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It´s the first time Alex is back in their house since Thomas is gone. Their house. He guesses he should start calling it just his house from now on, seeing as Thomas isn´t there anymore and will never come back. He can already feel his throat tighten, even though he had promised himself he wouldn´t cry. He had spent the last month sleeping on John´s couch or from time to time in his bed, when the nightmares got too bad. John had even proposed to join him, but Alex had refused. He wants to do this alone. He needs to do this alone.
He takes another deep breath and walks up to the door, unlocking it. Alex hesitates a moment, before he steps inside. He half expects Thomas to come out of the kitchen with a smile, like he used to do, but of course he knows that this is impossible. This realisation feels like a punch in his gut, and suddenly Alex is sobbing, all the pain and grief he had thought he had come close to process, crashing down on him again. He sinks to his knees next to the front door, burying his face in his hands, while sobs shake his thin body. He had thought it´d be a good idea to come here, and even his therapist had told him to do it, but right now, it feels like mistake.
Alex doesn´t know how long he stays like this, but after what feels like hours, the tears dry on his cheeks and he doesn´t have it in him to cry anymore. He just feels exhausted and numb. There is already a headache starting to pound behind his temples. He drags himself to his feet, bracing himself against the wall for a moment, before he makes his way into the kitchen to get himself a glass of water. The pictures on the wall of him and Thomas are almost too much to bear, so he keeps his eyes to the floor.
The house around him is far too silent, so he turns on the radio in the corner, almost chocking on the water, when the first song that starts playing is Thomas´ favourite song. It feels like a stab in his heart and for a second, he thinks about just turning the radio off, but in the end, he can´t bring himself to actually do it. Silent tears are running down his face, but Alex makes no move to wipe them away.
He lets his thoughts travel to when they used to sing this song at the top of their lungs, dancing in their pyjamas through the living room, or how they danced to it on their wedding day. He smiles through tears at that memories, stroking his wedding ring, that he just can´t bear not to wear. He had thought about taking it off, a few days after Thomas´ death, but that had instantly resulted in a panic attack. All too fast, though, the song ends, and Alex is left alone, with just the memory of Thomas getting shot in front of him. He takes in a shuddering breath and turns around.
The glass shatters on the ground and Alex lets out a gasp, backing away until he hits the kitchen counter, staring wide eyed at his dead husband.
“Alex-“, Thomas starts, but he just shakes his head.
“No, no, no. You are dead. I saw you die. I´m going insane.”, he mumbles.
Thomas takes a step closer to him and Alex tries to move back even more, sinking to the floor.
“Alex, listen to me.”, Thomas tries again, but the younger man just presses his hands over his ears, mumbling the word “no” over and over again.
His eyes are squeezed shut, which is why he doesn´t notice Thomas crouching down in front of him. He flinches and tries to get away from Thomas, but he holds him tight, forcing him to look at him.
“Alex, I´m so sorry I did this to you, but I did it to protect you.”, Thomas says. “It´s okay now. We are okay now.”
Alex takes a deep breath, lets Thomas hold him for a moment, relief and anger fighting for the upper hand, until the anger wins. He suddenly pushes Thomas away from him, angrily slapping his hand away, as he tries to reach for him again.
“You fucking asshole!”, he screams, tears flooding his eyes. “How could you do this to me? You let me think you were dead. For over a fucking month.”
“I know, I´m sorry, love. I-“
“Don´t call me that. Don´t fucking call me that.”, Alex cries.
“I´m sorry. Let me explain.”
Alex just shakes his head, sobs shaking his whole body, and Thomas watches him helpless, tears running down his face as well. It takes some time, until Alex finally lets himself fall forward and slumps against Thomas. His husband instantly wraps him into his arms, gently rocking them back and forth.
“I´m so sorry. I´m so sorry, Alex.”, Thomas whispers, pressing a kiss to Alex´ head.
Alex clings to Thomas´ t-shirt, still shaking his head.
“How could you do this?”, Alex asks, his voice broken and hurt. “How can I ever trust you again?”
“I know. I´m so sorry. I will explain everything. I love you. I´ve got you.”
Alex takes a shuddering breath, burying his face in Thomas´ shoulder.
“This is real, right?”, he asks after some time, moving back so that he can look into Thomas´ eyes. “I can´t take this a second time. I can´t take another heartbreak.”
“This is real. I´m not dead. We´re okay.”
Alex nods, staring at Thomas a bit helplessly, before he surges forward and kisses him. Thomas is a bit taken aback for a second, before he returns the kiss and Alex lets out a quiet whimper, clinging desperately to Thomas´ shoulders.
“I love you.”, Alex whispers, kissing Thomas again. “Fuck, never do something like this again.”
Thomas shakes his head.
“I won´t, baby, I won´t.”