Archive of Our Own

I.

The stench.

It was overwhelming. It made her queasy as she watched – one shaky hand covering her face, while the other rested on the rail to keep her steady. The air was a mix of disinfectants, medicine, and blood, something she had always been accustomed to by now, one that she deemed normal before.

Not today, no.

Not today.

Wave after wave of the smell of antiseptic drowned her senses, making her unable to function as she succumbed to her tears. How was it that she always felt useless? No, actually, how was it that she had always been useless? She felt the bile crawl up her throat at the glimpse of Jeongyeon – eyes closed and lifeless, as a team of doctors tried their best to tend to her after another episode.

It did not matter what she physically felt right now. She, who had just finished a 24-hour duty, expected to find comfort at Jeongyeon’s side. She, who was looking forward to seeing her just because it had been difficult to be apart. 

She opened the door and expected to be greeted by a smile or by a sleeping Jeongyeon, only to be greeted by a curled body with clenched teeth, knuckles white as she held onto the sheets, mouth caked with dried blood.

Even if she bore the pain from tired muscles that ached and eyes that had dark bags underneath them, even if she could feel the restlessness that threatened to break her tired bones – nothing could prepare her from the heartbreak. Someone had shattered her heart completely into pieces as if it was the easiest thing to do, and it only required the silence from Jeongyeon.

She wanted to hold Jeongyeon’s hand, to make her feel that she was here, to make her fight.

“Mina,” Sana held her arm back before she could take a step. Mina didn’t even turn to face her. “You should let them do what they need to.”

The sound of her voice was desolate, as if Sana herself did not want to believe in what she was seeing. But her words passed through her meaninglessly.  Of course , she already knew that. Still, hearing the words brought a pang of sadness in her heart – as if molten lava sauntered into her stomach and settled there.

Mina had failed her again. She had tried her best, she was sure, but it was simply out of her grasp. What was one intern against a sickness that already took the lives of millions? She wished she could turn back time – back before she met Jeongyeon, back before she had been diagnosed. Maybe she could have made a difference.

Maybe. Maybe.

“Minari.” Sana shook her, willing her best friend to look at her in the eyes. “Please.”

Mina sighed, refusing to acknowledge the tears streaming down on Sana’s face as her whole body was wracked with sobs. She must look horrible right now.

With one final glimpse at Jeongyeon, Mina allowed Sana to drag her out of the room.

Once she did, only then had Mina allow her body to finally wrack with sobs. ‘Will I see her smile once this is over?’

‘Will it always be like this from now on?’

::::

"Did you know? My nickname had always been crybaby." Jeongyeon smiled sadly, tracing circles on the air. Mina hummed, pulling her closer.

They were lying down on her bed, Mina's head rested on Jeongyeon's shoulder, quietly listening.

"I always cry," she whispered, her eyes becoming gentle with her every word. "I cry when I'm in pain, I cry when I feel sad," she counted, voice strained, looking at Mina, "I cry when I feel bad."

"Why do you feel bad?" Mina asked worriedly.

Jeongyeon took a deep breath to steady herself, tears already flowing down her face. "I feel bad that people have to take care of me, for being a burden."

Mina took Jeongyeon's hand into hers, giving it a slight squeeze. It encouraged Jeongyeon to keep talking, to let it all out. "I've always wanted the best for everyone, I even promised myself that I will provide for them," Jeongyeon whispered, a sad smile playing on her lips. There was fondness in her eyes, something that was only visible when she thought of people she loved. "But in the end, it ended up with them taking care of me instead."

Mina's heart broke a little with every word. "I haven't been able to do anything for them, let alone be there.” Jeongyeon looked at Mina, her gaze helpless. “How can I even face them or look into their eyes?"

Jeongyeon sighed, defeated. "I don't know what to do."

"I'm sure they understand, love," Mina consoled, nuzzling closer to her. "They’ll be happy to see you get better."

Her words spoke the truth that it made Jeongyeon's breath hitch. For a long time, she'd been carrying the burden of her sickness, choosing to be strong and to smile through it. But as time passed, she could see how much her situation affected her and everyone around her. It made her sad that she was useless. "Is there even anything I can do anymore?" she pleaded, silently asking Mina for help.

Mina sighed, squeezing Jeongyeon's hand. She traced the skin around her bruises, flinching at the thought of having to endure it every time.

"Does it still hurt?" Mina asked, the images of Jeongyeon's silent cries still fresh from her mind. She could still see how she bit through a towel just to muffle her sobs, or how her face scrunched with every needle that went to her body. But even so, Jeongyeon would take the time to talk to her after, even when she was weary, even when she felt numb. 

Even when she was still in pain.

Jeongyeon would just silently ask her to come to lie with her and take refuge in her warmth. Sometimes they'd say a few words, or Mina would console her. But most of the time, they were comforted by the silence, knowing that each warmth in their breath, each beat that was felt was precious.

Time had been against them.

"Yes," Jeongyeon nodded. "But more than anything, it just feels so heavy being a burden."

Especially to you . Were her unspoken words that Mina understood. As time passed, she realized she was slowly able to read Jeongyeon more and understand her better. Jeongyeon was the kind of person who'd do everything to provide a better life to her loved ones - she was determined to do her best, to do whatever just to see them happy.

She was the kind whom you could easily read, whose honesty and sincerity was always present. But she was also the kind to hide whatever hurt just to make sure no one worries.

"I feel so sorry for everyone," she mouthed, the words barely escaping her. Mina's heart broke a little while looking at her defeated form – eyes closing, body deflated. She felt that her pain was as visible as the dark bags under her eyes, the weary smile on her face and the way she tried to keep it together – even when her voice cracked, even when she couldn't say anything at all and let her tears fall.

"Jeong, love, look at me." Jeongyeon was hesitant, putting an arm over her eyes as tears continued to fall. Her lips were already trembling, and she held back the sob that threatened to escape. Mina put a hand over the said arm, as if silently asking for permission. When Jeongyeon didn't put up a fight, Mina pulled her arm away and tilted Jeongyeon's head towards her direction. She put both of her hands on each side of her face, wiping her tears. "I love you."

It sounded broken, the words. Mina could hear how her voice crackled at each syllable, it wasn't pleasant even to her own ears. "I can't believe that even after everything you went through today, you were still thinking of this."

She put her forehead unto Jeongyeon's, letting her tears fall as she closed her eyes. "This seems to be the only thing I can do," Jeongyeon responded as the small sobs wracked her body.

"It is enough that you are here, my love."

And true enough, it was more than enough that she thought of them through her pain. It was enough that she got strength by thinking of them to endure each treatment.

She didn't even know, Mina thought, that it was enough just to have her here – to know she was fighting for them.

“Mina.” She turned her head slightly to face Jeongyeon’s weak voice. “Do you really believe I have a future?” Mina’s hand then rested on top of hers, silently looking for an answer to ease Jeongyeon’s worries. After all of the events from today – from the time she broke down as she watched Jeongyeon’s prone form, to the time she allowed herself to finally breathe upon seeing her up, her heart finally shattered at Jeongyeon’s question. Her uncertainty leaked through her voice as her eyes looked at Mina’s, begging for hope. Mina wished she had the answers, wished that Jeongyeon would be given reassurance to qualm her fears.

There was a pause and Mina started stroking her hand, her eyes thoughtful. She then leaned up and looked down at Jeongyeon’s worried expression with a bright, gentle smile, her hand moving to brush back her hair as she kissed her forehead.

She needed to be strong, she figured. Right now wasn’t the time to break apart. She needed to be strong for the two of them, and a glimpse of the future Jeongyeon always longed to have.

“Yes,” Mina said confidently, not even hearing her own voice as a tear fell down on her face. 

She could feel the sense of relief that flooded through Jeongyeon when she heard her speak those words, to hear her unwavering voice and watch her eyes remain on hers. She knew it was merely wishful thinking, but she clung onto Mina’s words, as if they were her hope in itself.

Because she believed Mina, she always did.

“Did you know? Chaeyoung sent me a letter today.” Jeongyeon uttered a sigh as she looked at the ceiling, using one hand to trace the air as the other one held onto Mina’s hand tightly. 

Mina didn’t speak and just urged her to continue, allowing herself to close her eyes as she listened to the beat of Jeongyeon’s heart. It was the most reassuring thing. “She told me she is waiting for me to come home,” she shared fondly, a warm smile appearing for the first time. “She said Jihyo just taught her how to cook and she will cook breakfast for me.”

Her voice has started to become wobbly with every syllable she uttered. “She keeps saying she misses me a lot, and that she wishes that I would fetch her instead of Nayeon doing it.”

“I want to go home,” Jeongyeon uttered a small laugh as she held her sob as Mina held onto her tighter, letting her tears fall as soon as she handed her a small crumpled page full of doodles and hearts. 

Jeongyeon unnie!

Merry Christmas Unnie! Thank you for always taking care of us by our side even when we can’t see it. Thank you for thinking about us more than anyone. 

Unnie, I miss you. Don’t cry, it hurts my heart a lot. I miss you and I’m so happy to have a sister like you. I love you unnie ~ 

                                                                                                                                                                                                         Strawberry Princess

II.

"Mina," Jeongyeon all but whispered, eyes closed. "I'm tired."

They were leaning in Jeongyeon's hospital bed again, with Jeongyeon's head resting on the crook of Mina's neck. She had just finished her therapy, with Mina never leaving her side during the procedures.

"I know, love." She choked, stroking her hand to reassure her. Mina felt horrible, knowing that she was helpless, unable to ease her pain.

The words made Mina's breath hitch, knowing full well what Jeongyeon meant. She closed her eyes as a lump formed in her throat. She wouldn't dare speak anymore, holding Jeongyeon's hand close to her cheek instead, leaning to the touch.

Her warmth provided Mina some reassurance that she was still here, and would be here. She held her closer, Jeongyeon's voice haunting her thoughts at how raspy and unsure it sounded.

"Jeongyeon-ah, if there will come a time that you need to let go, you should."

Her voice broke with each syllable, with each mutter of a sound. Mina held her onto Jeongyeon's hand tightly, rubbing circles around it, pressing her lips against it as her heart shattered. She needed to get this off her chest, needed her to know that it was okay, that she didn’t want her to be in more pain, should it become unbearable.

Jeongyeon didn't look at her and merely grunted, hiding her head on Mina's shoulder. "Do you want me to go?"

Her voice held no pain, only mere curiosity. It was strained and unsure, and Mina nuzzled onto her, squeezing her hand. Her heart was all over the place, unsure and exhausted, the fast rhythm tugging on her ears.

"No." She had vigilantly remained by Jeongyeon's side ever since she had gone back to the hospital, heartbreaking with Jeongyeon's every struggle and cries of pain. Her legs turned into jelly when Mina heard Jeongyeon's muffled sobs, tears escaping her eyes at her own helplessness. But in all these days, she saw how Jeongyeon fought bravely - Jeongyeon who was the one reassuring her, Jeongyeon who comforted her and wiped her tears when it should have been her who did it.

It was the steady beat of her heart when she cuddled next to her, and the breath in her lungs where Mina drew comfort. “But I know you’re tired, I know it is difficult for you to hold on. If a time comes that I need to, I'll let you go Jeong. Even if it means I might never recover from it."

Mina's own lungs burned, but Jeongyeon only held her tighter, kissing the crown of her head even if it meant mustering all her remaining strength to move. "I'm still here. I wanna live... for you."

Mina's heart clenched. It hurt her to see Jeongyeon like this - the usual happy, mischievous glint in her eyes missing, the warm, crooked grin empty. Every day she prayed for a miracle, every day she hoped for a gesture, a touch, a sign that one of these days she would return healthy. "I’ve chosen you every day, even when it hurts so much. It has always been and will always be you." Mina willed Jeongyeon to understand her heart, to finally hear what she had to say. “But if there will come a time that I have to let you go, I will, even if it means you’ll take a part of me.”

"I love you, Mina." Her words felt so sincere, so broken, which made it bittersweet. But the gestures that came with these words she uttered were enough to make Mina cry, holding Jeongyeon tightly as she sobbed in her arms.

Jeongyeon had always been full of life, her eyes always showing her appreciation and love even when she was in pain. She'd always smile for Tzuyu and Chaeyoung and prank Nayeon any chance she would get, even if it only involved hiding her phone or scaring her with a bug. She'd always tell Dahyun she believed in her, and that she was proud of her; give Jihyo and Momo a lot of scolding when she had the chance. She also always gave Sana a comforting hug and kindness that knew no limit.

She always told everyone she loved them in any chance she got, peppering them with hugs and gifts, popping in when there were important events in their lives.

So just as she had to let her go once, if it meant she would be relieved of her suffering and if it meant being able to finally be free from all the hurt and pain she had experienced from this world - Mina would accept it, she would endure. “I-I d-don’t want you to be in more pain than you can take.”

Because she loved her.

Dearly. Utterly. Wholly.

And although this would cause her immeasurable pain that will never heal, if it was for the best then what could she do?

"It is a pain I am willing to take," Jeongyeon breathed, eyes closed as her forehead touched Mina's. "If it meant I could spend a day or years with you."

It didn’t even take long for Jeongyeon to have fallen asleep. She looked like a baby, Mina thought, as a sad smile formed in her lips. She removed the stray hair that was blocking Jeongyeon's serene features and gave her a tender kiss in the crown of her head. It was only during these times that she didn’t look hopeless or in pain.

If only Mina could remove all of this pain, she would, even if her illness would be transferred to her – she’d be okay with it and carry it . She'd do it with no hesitation, just to see her worry ease – to see Jeongyeon's signature crooked smile again, with bright eyes that held no burden.

She would cherish every moment she shared with her, every single second she would etch in her mind. From how smooth her cheeks felt as she ran the pads of her thumb through them, to her slightly parted lips.

And in the darkness of the room, with only the machines to keep her company, Mina succumbed to her tears.  

III.

"Jihyo-ya, do you think it is okay if I want to live?" Jeongyeon all but whispered, looking at the sky.

It was night time and both of them were sitting by the Han River, overlooking the city lights and the stars that hung in the night sky. The breeze softly murmured on Jihyo's ears, almost a whistle. It pricked her skin, but not too much, just enough to provide a comfortable cool.

Jihyo was surprised by the question, her eyes widening at the fact that Jeongyeon even questioned it. "What do you mean? Of course, you need to live!" Her heart started to beat rapidly against her ribs, the sheer terror hidden beneath her words making Jihyo uncomfortable.

"I don't know." Jeongyeon sighed and rested her chin against her knees, her eyes dazed. "I don't think I have the right. Is it," Jeongyeon hesitated, sighing as her eyes traveled its gaze far away, "is it wrong that I want to live?"

"What are you saying, Jeong?" Jihyo turned to face her, but Jeongyeon was unmoving and barely even flinched. To think that she was scared was an understatement. Jihyo was beyond terrified at Jeongyeon's revelation. She wanted to scream at her, shout and slap her until she was back to her senses. She wanted to get angry at her words or the fact that before this, she realized that Jeongyeon - who was always strong, Jeongyeon, who was always reassuring them with a smile - had once actually surrendered to her fate.

"I don't even know, Ji." Her words were almost silent, eyes downcast.

She realized that the Jeongyeon she was seeing now was the real one - one whose bag under her eyes showed how much she had been thinking the last few days, whose skin was thin from having no appetite or even if she did, she couldn't eat that much. Jeongyeon, whose eyes lacked their usual luster and playfulness after she got admitted, whose smile was empty and promised nothing.

Jihyo looked at her friend and realized how much she had changed, how the world has changed her, and how much she bore until now - now that she was opening up to her. She looked away and towards the glistening city lights of Seoul, tears threatening to escape her eyes.

She just knew, she guessed, she just knew that Jeongyeon never really thought she'd live for long and she just surrendered to it. For the longest time that they have been together, Jihyo felt her heart get shattered at how Jeongyeon choked every word she muttered. She had never seen her this vulnerable.

Expiring a breath she didn't know she was holding in, Jihyo sighed loud enough for Jeongyeon to hear. "What would Mina say if she heard you say this?"

A small smile formed in Jeongyeon's lips, hesitant and fleeting, but it caused a brief sparkle in her eyes nonetheless. "Probably kill me with her look and then cry," she chuckled, looking at the river as it babbled freely forward, the sound pleasing, relaxing the tired muscles in her body. And in the silence, she softly said, "She'd be heartbroken."

It was a painful whisper, one that Jihyo knew Jeongyeon was afraid to say.

Without even thinking, Jihyo put her hand over Jeongyeon's, the pads of her thumbs stroking her skin. She was grateful for their warmth, thankful that they're still here, even with all the pain. "Chaeyoung will be too, and even me and Nayeon and Dahyun. It's okay Jeong. Live."

It was all she could mutter, her throat parched. She wanted to say a lot, give her encouragement, but she didn't really know how to say it.

Jeongyeon turned to face her, eyes wide and mouth agape. Jihyo could see how tired she was - how her usually unblemished skin was creased with constant worry, how her eyes were unmistakably lost and confused. "I want you to be here with us for a long time."

"Do you," Jeongyeon started, unsure, "do you really think it is okay?"

The way she said it caused Jihyo's heart to clenched and her lungs to suddenly flip. She looked like a child, her eyes silently begging for answers that it made a tear escape Jihyo's eye.

"You have every right to fight for it Jeong," Jihyo murmured. She wrapped one arm around her neck and held her closer. She steeled herself, urging her heart to be strong for Jeongyeon this time around and gave her the biggest smile. "I want you to live," she repeated, looking at her hazel eyes, "I want you to be here when Chaeyoung graduates college. I want you to take care of your newly found happiness and embrace it."

She rested her head on Jeongyeon's shoulder, admiring the glittering lights amidst the city's noise. A strong contrast she thought, because she found the city mesmerizing from afar. "Being sick doesn't mean it's over, Jeong."

"I'm just scared Ji." Jeongyeon opened, her eyes wandering far off as her mind ran. "I'm scared to hurt you guys, to leave. I don't want to go, but I'm not sure if I can fight. And it hurts seeing you all get hurt because of me, it hurts when I see Mina look helpless and scared when I get seizures. It hurts to see Chaeyoung cry looking for me. It just hurts."

Her voice cracked at her spiel, the intensity of what she felt welling inside her chest, threatening to escape. "I'm... just a mess. Every day I'm scared I won't be able to wake up and see you guys. Every day, I'm not even sure my body can still handle the pain or the expenses that came with this."

Jihyo let her pour her heart out, listening to her every thought, to her every qualm. Jeongyeon was someone who usually kept it cool, who would only break down when she felt like there was no hope left.

“But every day you wake up. You spend it with us – you call us, joke with us, and even laugh with us. ” But Jihyo knew, she just knew that Mina made Jeongyeon want to fight again. Jeongyeon, who had accepted her fate, saw a kind of happiness she wanted to keep seeing for years to come. Jeongyeon learned how it was to be loved at her worst, and she as well learned to love Mina at hers.

Jihyo wiped the tears that fell on Jeongyeon's face with the pads of her thumb, smiling at her. "Every day, you'll see us here, holding your hand. We're in this fight with you. Live, Jeong."

Live. It was such a strong word, a word that should never be taken for granted. For a broken person whose life she thought had no use anymore, it gave a strong sense of comfort to know that she was allowed to fight, that she was allowed to be here even when it was so difficult. And as the two friends held onto each other for dear life, maybe it was all that was needed to make a difference.

Or maybe the difference had already been made, it just needed reassurance.

IV.

“You can let go now.”

Her voice broke with each syllable, with each mutter of a sound. Mina held her onto Jeongyeon's hand tightly with both her hands, rubbing circles around it, pressing her lips against it.

She looked like she was only asleep, but the thing was, she had only been sleeping. The doctors had exhausted all their efforts, had been working non-stop to see if there was anything that could be done. There was nothing – no movement to indicate that she would soon open her eyes, no activity to show anything, any hope.

She had vigilantly remained by Jeongyeon's side ever since the episode where she had collapsed. But in all these days of waiting, the only indication that she was still fighting was the steady beat of her heart and the breath in her lungs. “I know you’re tired, I know it must be so difficult for you to keep holding on – ”

Mina's own lungs burned, the bile that rose in her throat preventing her to speak more.

It hurt her to see Jeongyeon like this – breathing but not living, heart beating but eyes unseeing. Every day she prayed for a miracle, every day she hoped for a gesture, a touch, a sign that one of these days she would return to her – to them.

Jeongyeon had always been full of life – even at a hospital which had seen more death than anything else, she’d always find a reason to smile, a thing to cheer up anyone who needed it. When Chaeyoung was bored, she made her sit on her lap and they used the garden to chase each other around. She’d prank Nayeon with every chance she could, even when she found it a struggle to stand up and set up anything at all. When anyone was feeling down, she’d take her guitar and remind them to cheer up, even when she felt weak.

Jeongyeon who taught her how to dream again – from traveling to another country and being in two places at once, from setting their own apartment and raising Chaeyoung as she grew up. From planning birthday presents and what furniture they want to get to what pet they would have had. It made her hope, it made her dream.

Jeongyeon had always been the kindest, purest soul she had ever met, and for that, she would always be grateful. It was through her that Mina got to see Seoul in a different light – painting the city with lights as they sat by the Han river to talk about nothing at all, bursting out laughing in the middle of the road as they ran away from their friends. 

She always told everyone she loved them in any chance she got. And in the last moments when she was awake, she took Mina's phone and typed words that broke her.

"I live you." 

It was then that Mina knew that she couldn’t be selfish anymore.

Because now, there was none.

So just as she had to let her go once, if it meant she would be relieved of her suffering and if it meant being able to finally be free from all the hurt and pain she had experienced from this world - Mina would accept it, she would endure. “I-I d-don’t want you to be in p-pain anymore.”

Because she loved her.

And although this would cause her immeasurable pain that will never heal, if it was for the best then what could she do?

“It will be hard,” she whispered, putting her forehead into Jeongyeon, drinking on her peaceful face and memorizing every line and crevice, every scar present. Then, she closed her eyes. “I don’t even know if I will ever survive without you, if I can bear the pain knowing Chaeyoung will grow up without you,” Mina held her back a whimper and let one of her hands stroke Jeongyeon hair, “but if this means you can finally be peaceful, that you can find your happiness, I have no choice right?”

Mina had accepted Jeongyeon, all of her - her flaws, her failures, and herself. She had loved and waited for her to come home. And in that small amount of time that she did, she had felt happy, she had felt hope - that she still could look forward to a future.

"I don't want to see you in pain anymore. We'll be okay somehow, we'll take care of each other." In her heart of hearts, all she wanted was for Jeongyeon to come back, for her to realize she had been waiting and she would always wait if it meant Jeongyeon would come back to her. Would she really be able to let go? Could she? “If you’re holding on because I don’t want you to go, please don’t. Please hold on because you want to. Please.”

And so the world blurred and the noises ceased as she held onto her - crying, wishing. The world might have heard the sound of her broken sobs, but she only heard the sound of her broken heart.

“I love you too.” She had to say it, even though she knew Jeongyeon was already gone. 

V.

“Mina?” Jeongyeon muttered, turning around to see if she was there. They were walking silently by the shore, looking around the vast sea as the waves created a slow, steady rhythm. It created a sense of calm, with the breeze cool against their skins as the sun shined brightly on the horizon. The sound of the water giving her a sense of tranquility. They could see some people enjoying the scenery, gathered with some friends or loved ones with smiles on their faces.

Mina walked towards her and took her hand, giving her a huge grin as her eyes sparkled. Jeongyeon couldn’t help but blush at the gesture, the butterflies in her stomach dancing fervently. Both of them continued walking, comfortable with the silence.

Jeongyeon stopped and looked at her, her expression serene as her hair danced with the calm gust of the saltwater air. This had been the most peaceful Mina had seen her in a very long time. It was as if she was back to those peaceful days before she got admitted, where most of their concerns rested with maintaining the normalcy of their lives. Jeongyeon removed her sandals as they neared the gentle waves. “Our experience won’t be complete if we don’t walk barefooted on the sand, you know?” she told her. Mina couldn’t help but memorize her lopsided grin and the crinkle in her eyes. It had always been her trademark – a smile that made Mina know when Jeongyeon was happy. And so, she closed her eyes, inhaling the scent of the sea and sand. The serenity of this place and of the scene mesmerized Mina, as if it was taken straight from a dream.

Almost automatically, she mimicked Jeongyeon and Jeongyeon fetched Mina’s slippers, holding them with her free hand as she sprinted back into the spot where they left their things. Mina could feel the rough texture of white sand against her feet, and was surprised when the cold water bit her skin. She instinctively took a step back and would have lost her balance if Jeongyeon hadn’t caught her arm as she returned to her side. Jeongyeon chuckled at her reaction, her face so bright and childlike that it made her cheeks flush. And when she led her closer to the water again, just enough that the water struggled to touch their ankles, she felt very pleased.

It was as if they were a normal couple, for once.

Mina waddled deeper, looking at the small fishes that lay visible in the clear blue water until Jeongyeon spotted a small black blob and yelled. “It’s a jellyfish! Look!”

“Try to be careful,” Mina beamed, bending down to watch as the tiny creature floated against the current. 

“Right,” she pouted, looking at the water. She saw Jeongyeon wade a bit further, crouching down as something met her eye. Curious, Mina sauntered towards her as he picked up something near the bottom of the sea and showed it to her.

“Look, I found a seashell,” she said brightly, placing the perfectly shaped clam-shell for her to examine. The sandy clear color stood out as the sun reflected it, with its curved lines running smoothly into her hand. Mina felt amazed and mesmerized, to be able to enjoy these mundane things. It was as if the world had turned upside down, and yet she didn’t mind it at all as she surrendered herself into its palm. 

They spent the good part of their time crouched and partly kneeling in the sand as the currents brushed against them. Mina felt like a spoiled child by enjoying an afternoon on the beach with no one but Jeongyeon. She couldn’t help but feel happy whenever she saw her relaxed face. Today, it felt like Jeongyeon was her age – not someone who was thrust with all the worries of the world. From time to time they would stand up and eagerly share the treasures they had uncovered from the sand, smiling and laughing.

At some point, Jeongyeon used her time to get creative as she started packing lumps of sand together near the shore. Mina, who was just content watching as she did her handy work, observed her, appreciating the small details she had put in her project. Sometimes, Jeongyeon would ask her if she wasn’t bored just looking at what she was doing. On other times, she’d invite her but she would refuse, content with just helping her get more sand.

There were several pillars and cylinders made of sand in one huge lump – like a castle, she realized. It was already late afternoon when she finished, clapping her hand to remove the dirt that got stuck in between. She couldn’t help but smile when she glanced at her direction, grazing her face gently as Mina attempted to remove the dirt in her cheeks.

“So how do you find my piece of art?” she asked tentatively.

Mina tried to keep a straight face at her expression, holding on a chuckle as she poked her hand on one of its pillars. “It’s interesting.”

Jeongyeon shot her a glance and pursed her lips, trying her hardest not to laugh. “I tried,” she muttered, pouting.

“It’s cute,” she teased, nudging her rib. Jeongyeon winced, scratching the back of her head as she laughed nervously.

“I built it for you,” she turned to it timidly, cheeks warm as she crouched and attempted to fix parts of it that were withering away. Suddenly, her gaze turned somber as the waves finally picked up their strength, washing away parts of the sand slowly.

As time passed, Mina could only watch helplessly as the sand started to crumble apart, the sea leaving nothing on its onslaught, wiping away everything. It felt like a hollow, twisted scene, like the world had reverted back to what it was. She wanted to stop it, and yet she couldn’t even move as she felt her heart beating faster.

And when she turned to her, Jeongyeon stood up and smiled sadly at her, the sorrow apparent in her features. “I’m sorry I could only give you a sandcastle.”  

::::

She could feel the warmth of her tears as she tried to hold onto the dream, curling like a ball to ease the ache in her heart. How many days had passed? Weeks? Months? She couldn’t even decipher, refusing to even leave her room as the void she felt in her heart became palpable yet again.

Her hand held the small penguin keychain firmly, afraid that it too might disappear should she choose to let it go for a second. She felt pitiful for clinging into a small plastic figure just to feel that she was real, that once upon a time, Jeongyeon existed. It was as if the world had erased every part of her – her identity, her name, her story, it was as if they didn’t remember or tried not to. And she couldn’t help but feel the grief creeping into her bones whenever she thought about it.

‘Why? ’ she asked, her question directed to none. She put the small gift near her face, as if it was enough to bring back a part of her. Her eyes were swollen and puffy, her throat felt dry and raw. And her hands, they trembled as she placed them near her heart. If only she had been better enough to protect her – then maybe things wouldn’t be this way. She wished she had told her how much she loved her, wished she had spent more of their waking days together. If she knew this was what fate had in store for the both of them, then she would’ve held her close, cherished every touch, every feel, every moment.

But all was lost, was it not? She’s gone.

As she stood up, she didn’t know what she expected to happen next. Perhaps she could just stay here, because whenever she tried to even stand up, she would just slump back down against the door and sob helplessly.

And yet, in a moment of trance, she found herself walking – out of the door, out of her house – in her disheveled hair and hooded jacket.

Mina walked into the road, aimlessly, helplessly.

She walked past the ruins of a building, barely looking at the damage it had suffered. She recognized a familiar way and stopped by the garden as she felt the air of nostalgia tiptoe on her lungs. This was where she first really talked to her, she realized. She could still remember the way she shouted at the kitten to come back, hilariously chasing it as it landed towards Mina. It was funny really, because she never thought she would even get close to someone like her.

But she did. 

Mina walked along the rough, cobbled street and leaned to touch the wall, as the darkness hid the small vivid details from her view. It was cold and felt so empty, she thought, just like her heart. She could still imagine how frightened she was then as Jeongyeon coughed blood. If only she was better, if only she wasn’t a useless intern, then maybe, just maybe, she was still here. Her heart whimpered, just like herself, and she had to stop before it became unbearable. With a sigh, she turned her back to it with what energy she had left, dragging her feet as she thought about how much she had changed since that day.

She moved without direction, allowing her feet to carve her way as she hugged herself. She could see her tired, aching limbs as she walked, albeit blurry. Has it already been too long since then? How she wished she could turn back the time – back to when she had a place where she belonged. She couldn’t help but reminisce about the time that Jeongyeon could still laugh freely with them, with her gentle face finding a sense of peace even when it had been difficult for her. She became so skinny and so weak as time passed, she thought. And yet her warmth and kindness always saved them, always enveloped them with love that the world never deserved.

“I’d be sad if you died.”  Her voice resounded into Mina being that it sent a jolt of pain to her heart. How ironic it was, she thought. She tried to keep her tears at bay as her hands balled into a fist, stopping from her tracks.  ‘You fucking idiot,’  her heart screamed,  ‘you promised me, you promised.’

Oh god , it hurt too much. Mina’s tears fell freely, muffled sobs escaping from her lips. It was too much for her to bear, too cruel. She could see her everywhere, remembered her in everything – her brown eyes, her crooked grin, and her presence – it was everywhere. 

How was she supposed to live like this? How did she expect her to keep her promise when all she could think of was the day she saw her eyes close for the last time?

She remembered the days at the hospital, and couldn’t help but feel a small pang in her heart as she realized how long it had been. It was a place she built a hope that things would one day get better, even if it was a structure that had seen more deaths than anywhere. She never stopped believing Jeongyeon would one day find her way back to them, back  home . It was bittersweet really, that she got her wish.

Jeongyeon really did go home.

But in the blink of an eye, everything she worked for, everything she wished for felt meaningless. 

She broke into a run, clenching her teeth as she realized how much she hated the world for doing this to her. It was one person she couldn’t allow herself to give up on, the one thing she was scared to lose. She grew up with the constant reminder that she had no choice but to live while losing things, and yet this loss was someone she couldn’t bear, one thing that she always fought for.

Yet she still lost.

She found herself in a familiar sight. And before she could even realize it, her feet had already dragged her back to the place they once called their home, if only for a bit. It was as if she intentionally led Mina here – even with the smell of disinfectants.

She wandered through it, the pervading air of darkness and gloom filling her presence. As she touched the cold metal bars of the bed that had kept them company at night, it made her feel tingly. It wasn’t much, she knew, but at least it kept them safe from the world. And even with the small amount of time given, it was enough to make her feel like everything was alright.

Mina saw their makeshift room, with the walls in the same thick, grey stone with a mean barred opening. A part of it still festered with the smell of the cool minty breeze, the same one that she always remembered. It alleviated her heart a little, to feel her presence here – no matter how faint, untouched by the ravages of disease. She walked past the chairs and in front of the small bed.

She was about to get out when she stumbled upon a black sweater, so she stooped to pick it up.

She held it close to her face, breathing in its fragrance. It smelled so much like her – the scent of vanilla and lavender, as the feeling of warmth brought by the piece of clothing when Jeongyeon held her in her arms overcame her senses. Was it that long ago? Was everything so far back into the past that she couldn’t even remember them much?

In a moment of haze, as she slumped her back onto the cold hard floor, she thought she saw her. It was so eerily familiar, really, as if everything that's happening right at this moment was reality. She wanted to fervently hope that she was really there indeed, looking at her from the bed with gentle eyes. Her heart ached at the sight, for she knew it was a fragment of her imagination, no matter how much she longed it to be true.

Yet she had nothing else to hold onto at the moment but  this .

“Why did you have to leave?” she asked. Her voice sounded so broken, her throat still hurt and stiff from crying too much. Jeongyeon gave her a sad smile, but he didn’t move from the bed, nor did she say anything as she stared at her.

Her vision felt fuzzy, and yet she wiped them forcefully, not wanting to miss the opportunity to see her like this, to feel her presence. “You don’t know,” she croaked, trying to find the words to describe what she felt. Her lungs constricted at the effort, and she couldn’t breathe properly. “You don’t know how much it hurt to lose you, how hard it was.”

“I do.”  The voice was somber, sorrowful.

“I love you.” She hugged herself, arms wrapped tightly around her legs. Mina felt her presence stand up, yet she never could figure out if it was real. Dare she hope? She didn’t know anymore – couldn’t decipher reality from imagination. A sigh escaped from a voice she had memorized so well. Warm hands enveloped her, seeping from her skin to her being. And just when she thought she would never feel like this again, her soul was flooded with feelings.

It made her remember the warmth of her body against hers, the softness of her lips as she kissed her worries away. It made her remember the way Jeongyeon took her hands into her, to gently wrap them around her own as she squeezed them tightly – to reassure her that she was there, that she would always be with her. Their grip would tighten, as if it was the last time they could be together, before she would lean in to capture her lips, ending with her kissing the crown of her head – slowly, gently.

It would bring shivers down her spine when she did, and yet the warmth that puddled in the pit of her stomach would ease out and spread like butterflies. She would kiss her – her eyes, her brows, the crown of her head – she would leave her mark in gentle succession, barely touching at times, and yet enough to make her feel the scorching fire flood into her veins. It was there that they would allow each other to be fully honest, as they allowed their actions to express what they truly felt. It was then that she would get lost into her touch – a second, a third, it didn’t matter. For she was there, with her, for her – and everything else pales in comparison. Nothing else mattered.

“I’ll always be with you, Mina.”  A whisper, a murmur, a voice she loved so much.

The realization hit her and sent her mind spiraling into oblivion. Her heart felt like it would physically burst at that moment, as she held on dearly to the small piece of clothing as if her life depended on it. It was too much; the pain was too great and raw – as if someone once again shattered her heart and ripped it out of her chest. It filled the entirety of her being with such longing and fierce anguish that death would pale in comparison. This time, she allowed herself to let go, to drown in the intensity of what she had lost, to  feel  how much it had meant to her after all this time.

‘You idiot.’

VI.

Some people had days they used to visit loved ones.

She’d know it on the days when her friends disappeared with flowers in their hands, waving at all of them – sometimes they’d go alone, on others, everyone would come, even Chaeyoung and Tzuyu. 

She’d also know it on days when the Dahyun and Sana disappeared together. Sana would accompany Dahyun to visit the grave of their beloved unnie, and both of their eyes would be a bit sad upon their return. She had gone with Sana once, one mundane weekday where she insisted to follow Mina.

And as they prayed, Sana remembered how Mina’s eyes looked sad and melancholic, yet there was a change in them that spoke volumes. She’d put an offering on top of the gravestone, murmuring prayers with warmth in her eyes that made Sana feel the love she had for their friend. There was a certain peace present in her features, as if she finally found tranquility within the pain and hurt that always accompanied her.

The days were different, but they were all the same.

It was the day one would remember the loved ones lost. It was the day one would remember the time spent with them – be it by one’s self or loved ones. It was the time spent murmuring words of love, a time to tell stories about how life went on, a time to just remember.

It was a day Mina told her parents how much she loved them, and how much she valued them before she went off to visit the person who made the most difference in her life even after time has passed – the day she’d spend time, telling her stories of how she was, her experiences, her life.

Myoui Mina maneuvered her way around, a light breeze touching her face as she sauntered through the edge of the city. She could hear faint murmurs and chants as people celebrated, as a smile erupted on her lips at the thought of how peaceful it was.

She remembered visiting this place for the first time, how Jihyo reached out for her hand, and helped her as she slowly walked towards the graveyard. There was a snow that was deep and untouched as she halted in front of a familiar marker made of marble, and her hands took away the snow that blocked the name. It was such a sight to behold as she realized what she had missed in all these months that she was gone – her heart ached, silently wishing Jeongyeon was here instead of just looking at the lifeless headstone.

Years later, the tradition continued. But instead of a heavy heart filled with molten lead, she finally spent the time to remember her as she was – a kind, doting, and loving friend and an equally loving and selfless partner. As the tombstone came into view, they protruded from a blanket of pale blue. Every now and then, dazzling lights would cast reflections on the snow, making the visit feel magical and warm. Mina waded deeper and finally was welcomed by the familiar marker, just behind a row of even gravestones.

A breeze welcomed her, as if it knew she would come.

She knelt in front of the grave and wiped the snow that rested on top of it, revealing intricate carvings engraved. She put a wreath of white roses and a small smile erupted on her lips at the thought of Jeongyeon smiling upon seeing them.

“Hello my love,” she stammered, her throat parched. It was another year without her, she thought, as her heart hammered inside her chest. Even after all this time, she still wished she got to share a few more years with her. “It’s been a while.”

She paused, as if expecting a reply. The breeze was cooler now, and she could hear the bustles of the city nearby. With a sigh, she imagined them talking to her as she told them some stories from her heart. “Chaeyoung had grown so much this year and often causes mischief to Jihyo-unnie and Nayeon-unnie.” A chuckle escaped her lips as she sat down and leaned on the graves, not minding the cold. “Jihyo finds it funny that she is so much like you – from her fashion to her hairstyle and even her attitude. I’m sure you miss her.”

She stared above as a flood of memories opened in the gates of her mind, noting the stars that were twinkling beautifully under the night sky. “I’ve been doing well and having fun with the children, and I’m now the head doctor in my job. It’s so nice to see them learn and grow. I could imagine you being proud of them if you saw them today. Chaeyoung has also been doing well in school and she is always telling us she is doing it for you.”

Mina could still imagine Jeongyeon’s gentle expression, the way her lips thinned into a beautiful crooked smile she loved so much as her eyes shone. She could remember the softness in her voice, or how she put a flower in Mina’s hair with every chance she got. She could still remember how her eyes lit up at the sight of Jeongyeon being healthy, and her hearty laugh whenever they were together. Jeongyeon’s glasses would be a little lopsided whenever she wore them, which Mina always teased her on. “I miss you.”

She only had a short time with her, but she always made sure to remember everything deep in the recesses of her heart.

Jeongyeon knew she had a great memory after all.

Slowly, she closed her eyes as her jaw tightened. There were so many things she wanted to say, so many things she wanted to tell her. “I wish you were here.”

She had accepted long ago that she was gone – that the moment when she told her that she was letting her go, she knew she would never see that smile again. But once in a while, the urge to see her, to touch her, to  hold  her resurfaced – and Mina had no choice but to embrace those wishes.

“I’m very happy right now,” Mina whispered. “I’ve been able to save a lot of people and I now have a place to call my own. I even teach Chaeyoung and Tzuyu on my days off and spend time with them and my parents whenever I can. I’ve been ticking off our bucket list one by one.”

She wished she was here, but also, she had already accepted her sacrifice – already understood the meaning of her words. She missed her dearly, but she knew that Jeongyeon never left her anyway - not when Mina could see her in the small things, could remember her in the places. Not when Mina carried her crumpled letter everywhere.  “I hope you’re proud of me.”

As she opened her eyes, a hand finally held itself in front of her, asking her to take it. With a small smile, she stood up and let herself be enveloped by the warmth that pressed itself beside her. She watched as Chaeyoung let go to put another bouquet of white roses, her eyes solemn as she prayed.

The pair of them looked at the grave, savoring the presence of the person who owned them – the one who gave them the biggest chunk of her life. 

And that’s when she realized that she was here. That if ever she wanted to see her face or hear her voice, all she had to do was close her eyes. Jeongyeon was the memory that danced within her, which made her smile when she remembered. 

She could find her smile from faraway, her soft look whenever she listened to one of them or when she held stray animals with such love. She could smell the faint vanilla whenever Chaeyoung hugged her after Mina fetched her from school, could imagine her ranting whenever Jihyo tried her best to clean their messy table. She could see her face scrunched up and her glasses askew whenever Dahyun studied, only to be interrupted by Sana. 

For it was her life that enabled her to be here, and for her, it was Jeongyeon’s wish that she honored –  live .

Mina had been the hope Jeongyeon longed for, the hope that kept her alive.

Dearest Mina,

Are you doing well? Are you eating properly? I miss you. Words cannot describe how much happiness you gave me and how much I relied on you holding my hand. I hope you are eating properly and sleeping. Make sure you have socks before you sleep so you don't get cold!

It's winter soon, while I'm writing this, I can't help but think about how I want to play in the snow with Chaeng, or go up somewhere I can see the whole city covered in white under the stars. I am also thinking about you - are you keeping yourself warm? Are you drinking hot chocolate? I hope you do not forget your mittens before you go out because you easily get cold. Wrap yourself up with a good woolen sweater and don't forget warmers okay? 

Love, I hope you are taking care of yourself. We never had it easy, did we? I hope you take all the time you need to feel better and I hope you find it in you to find something you can smile about daily, no matter how small. I hope you know that I will be alright, that even though it is not easy, I'm still here. 

Don't be too hard on yourself, we're all human. And even with your desire to save others, I hope you don't forget that yourself too. You are always doing your best and pouring your heart out and I've always admired that side of you. But always remember that you cannot save everyone, but at least you can help them try to save themselves. Not sure if you'll get what I mean, and maybe you'll want to smack me for thinking like this. But I hope you know I've always been proud of you and that you did succeed in saving me.

As I'm writing this, I can't help but smile as I think about you. Don't skip any meals okay? Even if you're tired, remember to at least put some biscuits or a snack in your pocket so you won't get hungry during shifts. Take the time to rest after a long day of studying for exams too. I asked Sana and Momo to make sure you'll not overdo it. Give Ray a lot of bops and love as well, make sure to hug him when you can.

The room feels a little cold now and I had a slight chill while looking out of the window. Suddenly, I remember us riding bicycles and me trying to keep you warm because you catch a cold too easily. I want us to do that again. I also want to go back to the beach with you. You’ll have lots of fun surfing while I watch you from the shore. Or maybe you can teach me.

It feels good just imagining it but my back hurts from writing. I think I'm going to try and take a nap now.

Take all the time you need and take care of yourself, when I open my eyes, I love you just the same. 

Only Yours,

Yoo J.