Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

dazai osamu created the group yokohama’s protectors uwu.

dazai osamu added Fukuzawa Yukichi, thats's doctor yosano, Kunikida Doppo, world's best detective ranpo, tanizaki junichirou, kyouka_tofulover, kenji_farmliving and atsushiii to yokohama’s protectors uwu.

dazai: aite lemme add some more ppl and get this party started

kunikida: Dazai. What is the meaning of this?

dazai: and thats a secret i’ll never tell xoxo gossip girl

dazai osamu added mori the mafia boss, Kouyou, nakahara chuuya, gin, Akutagawa, Hirotsu Black Lizard, kajii_lemon, higuchi and tachihara to yokohama’s protectors uwu.

chuuya: what do u want u waste of bandages

akutagawa: I refuse to be in the same groupchat as the weretiger. I will be taking my leave.

Akutagawa left the group yokohama’s protectors uwu.

atsushi: wtf i breathed???? good riddance then lol

kyouka: don’t be so disheartened.

dazai osamu added Akutagawa to yokohama’s protectors uwu.

atsushi: IM NOT SAD WTF

akutagawa: A tragedy.

atsushi: stfu no one asked for ur opinion 

gin: lol get wrekt

higuchi: WERETIGER DO NOT SPEAK TO AKUTAGAWA SENPAI!!

tanizaki: uh is this really a good idea @dazaiosamu

dazai: its all going according to plan :)

1.38 a.m.

kajii: asking for a friend but does anyone mayhaps want to join a science experiment? :)

tachihara: … do u honestly expect anyone to fall for that lmao

kenji: OOOOOH WHAT KIND OF EXPERIMENT

tachihara: i..

tachihara: well ok then :|

atsushi: kenji-kun… it’s that lemon bomb guy!! he’ll most likely detonate u to pieces in the name of science or something

yosano: it’s okay, kenji-kun! it’s always good to be adventurous. i’ll always be here to patch you up.

chuuya: did she just-

kenji: sounds like fun!! let’s do this :D @kajii_lemon

atsushi: kenji-kun….

akutagawa: Let him have his fun, weretiger. Don’t be such a spoilsport, you hag.

atsushi: YOU’RE LITERALLY TWO YEARS OLDER THAN ME??? IF IM A HAG WHAT R U??? A RELIC???

gin: i love this

tachihara: … you’re awfully chatty when it comes to akutagawa @gin

hirotsu: Are you perhaps, jealous, Tachihara-kun?

akutagawa: …

atsushi: so is no one gonna tell him or

tachihara: tell me what???

akutagawa: Don’t you dare. @atsushiii

atsushi: oh yeah??? whats going to stop me?? huh????

kyouka: atsushi, it’s better to not use the blackmail material you have up your sleeve yet. wait until the timing is right.

kouyou: You are absolutely right as always, Kyouka. What an amazing child.

chuuya: i

atsushi: well i guess… you’re safe this time @Akutagawa

akutagawa: Shut up.

dazai: well thats a weird way to flirt with your crush

chuuya: stfu dazai let them figure it out on their own

dazai: do u rlly think thats possible??? theyre literally dumb and dumber i can bet kunikida’s life savings that they wont realise they have feelings for each other even when they’re making out

kunikida: STOP USING MY MONEY!

ranpo: oooh im up for the bet! i’m betting atsushi’s life savings!

atsushi: WHAT??? also what’s this bet about?

akutagawa: With all due respect, Edogawa-san, only I can ruin the weretiger’s life. I’m afraid I can’t let you do that.

ranpo: there’s a way u can prevent that, akutagawa. just prove that what I'm about to say is correct! 

akutagawa: Alright…?

dazai: BOOOO WHERES THE FUN IN THAT >:((

kunikida: This bet is invalid. I do not give my consent for my savings to be gambled away like this.

ranpo: but

fukuzawa: I’m afraid I’ll have to agree with Kunikida-kun on this. Sorry, Ranpo-kun.

kunikida: President!

mori: booo what a bore 

chuuya: boss!!

mori: carry on whatever u guys are doing… dont let me destroy the fun! :)

dazai: yo ngl that sent chills down my spine

dazai: n e ways

dazai: i’ll bet chuuya’s life savings then

chuuya: WTF ABSOLUTELY NOT

ranpo: fukuzawa-san?

fukuzawa: He is not one of us so I do not have a say in this matter.

mori: i do and it’s go wild my child

chuuya: BOSS

dazai: that’s settled then! im betting chuuya’s life savings that the oblivious duo wont even realise they have feelings for each other, even when they’re making out

ranpo: nice! i bet atsushi’s life savings that the oblivious duo will, in fact, realise their feelings before they make out.

atsushi: .. ok if you’re betting my savings at least tell me whose love lives u guys r betting on… 

akutagawa: Weretiger. You’re just going to let your colleague bet away your life savings like that? Are you an idiot?

atsushi: well ranpo-san is always right so im not that concerned

akutagawa: At least bargain for a chip at Chuuya-san’s savings, then.

chuuya: EXCUSE ME???? 

ranpo: well, atsushi. i’m betting on your love life.

atsushi: WHAT

akutagawa: The weretiger’s love life? Hah. As if.

gin: lol someone’s jealous

higuchi: What are you implying, Gin?

gin: :|

atsushi: wait… if it’s my love life… and my life savings r in danger…. shouldnt it be easy for me to protect it by making sure you win the bet? @worldsbestdetectiveranpo

dazai: yeah if u werent so oblivious lol

chuuya: im conflicted now like on one hand i want them to Realise their feelings bcs i cant stand their pining but on the other hand, that’s my life savings…

dazai: well!! all they have to do is make out before they realise their feelings and u should be safe

chuuya: true

atsushi: EXCUSE ME WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE OUT WITH AGAIN

akutagawa: As if anyone would willingly do so.

gin: i can name someone who would

akutagawa: Gin.

tachihara: wait. this might sound crazy but does gin have a crush on nakajima? like i thought it was akutagawa that she was responding to but what if it’s actually the weretiger?

atsushi: WHAT

akutagawa: What.

gin: tachihara you are such an idiot.

tachihara: so i’m right?

gin: no

tachihara: sure….

akutagawa: Why would she like the weretiger?

kyouka: objectively speaking, atsushi is very handsome.

kouyou: I wholeheartedly agree with my Kyouka. His skin is smooth and he has eyes the colour of the sunset.

yosano: not to mention his charming personality!

gin: … okay to be fair he does have a nice smile

atsushi: WHAT

akutagawa: I need a drink.

chuuya: … we might just win this holy shit @dazaiosamu

dazai: we? ;-)

chuuya: fuck off

kajii: oof just saw this. meet me at the pier, kenji-kun!! @kenji_farmliving

kenji: alright! @kajii_lemon

9.43 p.m.

dazai: wow this group is dead

chuuya: we’re all employed, idiot

dazai: ya ok but its not office hours anymore

chuuya: u of all people should know that our office hours arent conventional… what a clown

dazai: im ur clown tho

chuuya: no <3

dazai: heart been broke so many times idk what to believe mama said its my fault i wear my heart on my sleeve i think its best i put my heart in ice <//3

3.45 a.m. 

atsushi: which tbh is kinda cute but u didnt hear that from me

atsushi: SHIT WRONG CHAT IGNORE THIS

akutagawa: Oh. What do we have here?

atsushi: none of your business

akutagawa: It became my business when you decided to air your dirty laundry out in the open.

atsushi: i choose to not see goodbye

akutagawa: You can’t do that.

atsushi: oh yeah? WATCH ME.

akutagawa: What a fool.

7.47 a.m.

kunikida: So this was why Atsushi was late. He was busy fraternising with the enemy.

yosano: GDKSHDK RIPPPPP

dazai: kunikida-kun! didn’t know u had it in u omg

atsushi: ???? i wasnt??

kenji: we can all read the chat

atsushi: ????? literally WHOMSTVE

kyouka: akutagawa

atsushi: what about him

kyouka: he’s the one you’re flirting with

atsushi: WHAT THE FUCK

akutagawa: What.

higuchi: WHAT!!!!

atsushi: WAIT THIS ISNT THE DETECTIVES GROUPCHAT

atsushi: AND I WASNT FL- FLIR- I CANT EVENT SAY IT

atsushi: I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS SLANDER ATSU-CHAN OUT.

atsushiii left the group yokohama’s protectors uwu.

tachihara: did he just… call himself atsu-chan? gin, this is the guy you like?

gin: i don’t like him like that, you buffoon.

hirotsu: well that was a dramatic exit

dazai: sigh… atsushi-kun, one day you’ll realise just how wrong you were

akutagawa: What.

chuuya: lol is that the only word u can say now? 

akutagawa: I have to leave.

Akutagawa left the group yokohama’s protectors uwu.

dazai: ah well i’ll add them back in due time.

yosano: now that theyre both gone…

yosano: omg its so obvious they like each other like damn confess already?????

kouyou: My thoughts exactly. 

chuuya: ah well they’re both in denial it’ll Take Time

higuchi: akutagawa senpai… likes the weretiger?

gin: keep up with the times, higuchi

tachihara: are you okay tho gin ur superior likes ur crush

gin: he’s not my crush so it doesn’t matter to me

tanizaki: ????? atsushi likes akutagawa???? why???

gin: oh boy

higuchi: EXCUSE ME WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHY???? AKUTAGAWA SENPAI IS THE ONLY MAN TO EXIST EVER

kunikida: That can’t be right.

dazai: ok thats enough

kyouka: love is blind, tanizaki

dazai osamu added atsushi and akutagawa to the group yokohama’s protectors uwu

higuchi: WDYM BLIND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT AKUTAGAWA SENPAI IS REALLY BADASS AND CHARISMATIC AND HOT AND THE WERETIGER IS LUCKY THAT SOMEONE LIKE THAT LIKES HIM

atsushi: WHAT

akutagawa: Stop these lies, Higuchi.

higuchi: akutagawa senpai!

atsushi: im sorry i dont like u tho @Akutagawa

akutagawa: WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT LIKING YOU WELL GUESS WHAT I DONT LIKE YOU EITHER @atsushiii

atsushi: FINE. SO ITS MUTUAL THEN.

akutagawa: YES. DONT GET THE WRONG IDEA.

atsushi: OKAY.

akutagawa: GOOD.

atsushi: GREAT.

akutagawa: SHUT UP.

atsushi: NO YOU SHUT UP.

chuuya: ok boys thats enough lets all agree that u dont like each other

ranpo: u’re just saying that so u can win the bet

chuuya: ok and?

dazai: thats so sexy of you chuuya

chuuya: choke. <3

4.26 a.m.

dazai: i think i will cause problems on purpose

chuuya: shut the FUCK up

dazai: *dramatic gasp* THERE ARE CHILDREN, NAKAHARA-SAN.

chuuya: fuck them kids

hirotsu: Why is it always you two?

chuuya: hirotsu-san!

hirotsu: Do us all a favour and just confess already.

dazai: u mean atsushi and akutagawa?

hirotsu: No, I meant you and Chuuya.

chuuya: WHAT

dazai: EW

chuuya: EW??? EXCUSE ME I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT IM A HOT ASS MOTHERFUCKER

dazai: you are excused <3

chuuya: I’LL BEAT YOUR ASS THE NEXT TIME WE MEET JUST WAIT SHITTYDAZAI

dazai: lol can u even reach me tho

chuuya: try me :-)

yosano: … so this is why atsushi and akutagawa are the way they are……

atsushi: wdym??

yosano: nothing :-)

akutagawa: …

Chapter Text

12.00 p.m.

ranpo: atsushi that girl from the guild who likes u came to visit

atsushi: ??? literally who?

akutagawa: Who’s the poor unfortunate soul? Send her my condolences.

atsushi: stfu

ranpo: who else? lucy of course!

atsushi: what… she doesnt like me tho…

tanizaki: atsushi. do u rlly not know or are you pretending to not know

atsushi: im being serious guys!! she doesnt like me like that

kyouka: yes she does

atsushi: kyouka-chan!!

yosano: atsushi i’ve diagnosed u with dumb bitch disease

atsushi: WHEBDKSBDKD???

akutagawa: Deserved.

gin: ^ same applies to u

tachihara: wow u have some guts going against a superior like that

gin: yes

akutagawa: …

tanizaki: i still feel like this gc will burn the alliance down to the ground

kunikida: My sentiments exactly.

kouyou: Do not try to disband this chat and separate me from my Kyouka. 

kunikida: And why should I listen to you?

dazai: ok ok cut it out @KunikidaDoppo

dazai: we wont be disbanding the gc dont u worry big sis! @Kouyou

dazai: i think we’re getting along quite well, dont u think?

atsushi: altho i agree that akutagawa contracted the dumb bitch disease im not quite sure how i feel about being compared to him,,,,

akutagawa: Say that again, weretiger. I dare you. :)

gin: oooh he used an emoticon i’d concur if i were u, atsushi-san.

akutagawa: atsushi- san?

atsushi: ew omg dont say my name go back to calling me weretiger @Akutagawa

akutagawa: Don’t tell me what to do, Nakajima.

gin: yeah. atsushi- san. i personally think that he’ll make a great brother-in-law.

atsushi: WHAT

akutagawa: WHAT

tachihara: you have a brother????

hirotsu: why are you so appalled, akutagawa-kun?

chuuya: yeah we’re getting along swimmingly alright @dazaiosamu

atsushi: BUT I DONT WANT TO MARRY YOUR BROTHER @gin

akutagawa: WHO SAID I WANTED TO MARRY YOU

tachihara: WAIT WHAT

hirotsu: ??????

gin: so much for being discreet 

yosano: wait how did atsushi know who gin’s brother is?

kunikida: We found out the other day when asking Katai for help.

tachihara: GIN AND AKUTAGAWA ARE RELATED????

higuchi: yeah lmao wbk

tachihara: oh my god…

tanizaki: why is this chat so chaotic,,,,

7.30 p.m.

atsushi: dazai-san. 

dazai: yes, atsushi-kun~

atsushi: care to explain why. it’s just. me and ak*tagawa. in this goddamn restaurant.

akutagawa: Don’t censor my name, Nak*jima.

atsushi: go back to calling me weretiger already damn

dazai: you’re on a mission! the suspect will come in soon, don’t worry~

atsushi: fine.

dazai: the food’s not free btw

atsushi: WHAT?? can’t we charge it under operational expenses or something?? i cant possibly afford this, dazai-san.

dazai: get akutagawa to pay for you then

akutagawa: I don’t think I will.

atsushi: see!!!

dazai: just bat ur pretty little lashes a few times and im sure he’ll give in

atsushi: WHAT

akutagawa: ABSOLUTELY NOT. DO NOT EVEN ATTEMPT IT, NAKAJIMA.

atsushi: I WASNT GOING TO. but,,, if you’re that repulsed,,,,,,,,,, ;-)

akutagawa: Don’t.

9.30 p.m.

atsushi: thanks for the food akutagawa! you’re not half bad

akutagawa: shut up

atsushi: ooh? no proper punctuation? no auto-caps?

akutagawa: not tonight im emotionally drained goodbye

atsushi: lol ok weirdo. btw dazai-san, there was no sign of the suspect?? we were here the entire time,,,

dazai: ooops! mustve gotten the dates mixed up!!

atsushi: dazai-san….

dazai: would u look at the time?? time for me to sleep good night!!

kunikida: Yes. It is an ideal time to sleep.

5.13 a.m.

chuuya: this is about to get heated but

chuuya: is no one really going to bring up the fact that akutagawa has black hair with white tips while atsushi has white hair with black strands?

yosano: now that u mention it… u’re right omg i never noticed!!

atsushi: chuuya-san. why.

akutagawa: I will dye my hair black then.

atsushi: okay??? and i’ll dye my hair white. u arent special

kyouka: are you going to dye your hair together?

atsushi: WHAT NO????

kajii: i know i dont talk much in this group but i just Had to ask. for science, of course. atsushi-kun, why are your bangs the way they are?

atsushi: eye-

atsushi: well

atsushi: if u really wanna know,,, back at the orphanage some kids thought it’d be funny to like cut my hair and stuff and well i didnt really find the style horrible so i just,,, let the bangs be

kajii: interesting. thank you for your input.

kyouka: who are they? i just wanna talk :)

yosano: damn children these days are scary tf

chuuya: fr,,, but they should be around atsushi’s age now right? meaning they arent children anymore

dazai: those w a skewed moral compass u know what to do 

chuuya: u do realise u’re a part of the skewed moral compass crew right?

dazai: yes

atsushi: omg guys its ok, really! compared to literally every other thing i was subjected to in the orphanage that was nothing

akutagawa: That doesn’t make things okay, though. 

atsushi: well yeah but it’s all in the past so ://

atsushi: besides, werent you the one who told me that “the words of the past are fundamentally unrelated to who i am now”?

akutagawa: Perhaps. You still remember them?

atsushi: of course. i needed to hear that.

akutagawa: Oh.

atsushi: yeah

atsushi: thanks. btw. for that.

akutagawa: That. Right. Uh. No problem. 

akutagawa: Thank you, as well. For your words. On Moby Dick.

atsushi: oh yeah right yeah ok yup

akutagawa: Cool.

atsushi: cool

dazai: AWWWWWW MY CHILDREN ARE GROWING UP :’)

chuuya: DAZAI LITERALLY STFU FOR ONCE

9.30 a.m.

ranpo: has anyone seen poe-kun?

chuuya: whomstve

ranpo: wrong chat

ranpo: but might as well ask

ranpo: so remember that time i trapped u in that mystery novel and u fought like 1000 men just to get out? well yeah he’s the author of the novel

chuuya: oh.

chuuya: nah. 

chuuya: anyone?

hirotsu: nope

tachihara: ^ u heard the old man

higuchi: negative

akutagawa: No.

atsushi: ranpo-san he’s been at your desk for the past 5 minutes

ranpo: oh!! why didnt u tell me earlier!!! thank u atsushi-kun~ maybe i’ll give u a hint so that u wont lose ur life savings

atsushi: uh… thanks?

ranpo: no problem! the hint is: stop fighting your feelings, then you’ll see who your person is! 

atsushi: right…………

ranpo: hopefully u’ll see that before u start making out with him!

atsushi: uhuh……..

atsushi: wait

atsushi: MAKE OUT????? WHEBDKSBDKD

akutagawa: Don’t be such a prude, Nakajima. It’s not like it’s your first time.

atsushi: and what if it is???? what r u gonna do about it????

akutagawa: That’s impossible.

atsushi: wdym impossible literally who would like me enough to m*ke out with me im just,,,,, me

akutagawa: I can’t deal with this. Someone else take charge.

kyouka: akutagawa would 

akutagawa: WAIT NO 

atsushi: KYOUKA-CHAN

akutagawa: I MEANT EXPLAIN TO THE WERETIGER WHY PEOPLE WOULD ENGAGE IN SUCH ACTIVITIES WITH HIM. AND PREFERABLY EXPLAINED BY SOMEONE ELSE.

tanizaki: i’ll take one for the team then

tanizaki: atsushi you’re like hot as fuck

tanizaki: no homo tho

atsushi: IM WHAT

akutagawa: … Someone else then. Please. I am no longer asking. I am demanding.

dazai: well

chuuya: Enough.

dazai: i havent even said anything!!

chuuya: which is why its the best time to stop you

chuuya: also atsushi-kun?

chuuya: tanizaki’s right u’re hot af full on homo

chuuya: but u’re oblivious as fuck tho bcs u literally have a long line of ppl simping over u and u dont even notice

chuuya: do u know the cafe on the first floor of ur building? yeah customers increased ever since u started hanging out there

atsushi: WHAT

atsushi: WAIT

atsushi: how do u even know this

chuuya: bcs that stupid waste of bandages wouldnt stop complaining about how hes no longer the centre of attention ugh

chuuya: so yeah have faith my child

kunikida: Your child?

yosano: EXCUSE ME HE IS MY SON

atsushi: i-

akutagawa: So there you have it, weretiger.

chuuya: SHARED CUSTODY IS A THING, OK??? GET ON WITH THE PROGRAM

atsushi: uh thanks??? i guess???? @akutagawa

yosano: I REFUSE

chuuya: THINK ABOUT IT!! THE MORE PARENTAL FIGURES HE HAS THE MORE LOVE HE RECEIVES AM I RIGHT OR AM I RIGHT

kunikida: … That’s quite a good argument.

akutagawa: No problem, Nakajima.

3.14 a.m.

dazai: so like. anyone awake

atsushi: i am! why?

dazai: wtf go to sleep??

atsushi: i cant lol 

dazai: why not?

atsushi: oh u know just the usual,,,, reliving my past via nightmares and shit like that

akutagawa: …

atsushi: cant sleep too?

akutagawa: Yeah.

atsushi: oh

atsushi: tragic

akutagawa: I guess.

akutagawa: Nakajima.

atsushi: ...yeah?

akutagawa: Never mind. I’ll see you later.

atsushi: u cant just,,, start a new topic and end it halfway!!!

akutagawa: And why is that?

atsushi: u got my interest and all that now i’ll keep thinking about it!! the Horrors of the What Ifs, if u will,,,

akutagawa: You’ll keep thinking about it?

atsushi: yeah,,, like “shit what was akutagawa going to tell me” and then i’ll proceed to think about every available possibility

akutagawa: What I’m getting is that you’ll keep thinking about me.

atsushi: dont twist my words!! i meant i’ll keep thinking about the topics u mightve wanted to talk about,,, the TOPICS,,, absolutely NOT u

akutagawa: Sure.

atsushi: dont get the wrong idea!!! 

akutagawa: Right.

atsushi: ugh!! i can just tell ur smirking annoyingly rn ughHhHhhhh 

akutagawa: Mhmm. Well then. Enjoy thinking about me, Nakajima.

atsushi: im NOT!!! thinking about u!!!!!!

9.45 a.m.

kyouka: oh atsushi’s definitely thinking about you now @Akutagawa

atsushi: thinking about how to murder him w/o going to jail** 

dazai: well!! technically kyouka isnt wrong

mori: my my atsushi-kun. such bloodlust. how about changing your allegiance to the port mafia, hm?

atsushi: Uh

fukuzawa: Mori-san.

mori: geez u old man its a joke chill,,,

fukuzawa: …

hirotsu: Having Atsushi around might not be too bad. He can keep Akutagawa in line, that’s for sure.

akutagawa: What’s that supposed to mean?

gin: oooooh someone’s blushing!

higuchi: we don’t need the weretiger to do that. you have me akutagawa senpai!!

akutagawa: I do not need anyone to keep me in line.

chuuya: if thats so true why did i literally have to force u to bathe in the onsen!!

dazai: chuuya did WHAT

akutagawa: That was one time.

atsushi: LMAOOOOO need help bathing?? @Akutagawa

gin: OH???? @atsushiii

yosano: oof atsushi how forward

kunikida: Oh my God.

tanizaki: HE WENT THERE

tachihara: there is literally NO hetero explanation for that

atsushi: WAIT

atsushi: THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT

atsushi: GDJDJDKDH DONT MISUNDERSTAND

akutagawa: Oho. What’s the meaning of this, Nakajima?

atsushi: SHUT UP AKUTAGAWA IT MEANT NOTHING

chuuya: will u bathe more now that atsushi’s volunteering to help? @Akutagawa

atsushi: I DIDNT VOLUNTEER MY HELP

akutagawa: Perhaps.

atsushi: what

atsushi: AKUTAGAWA WHAT?????

atsushi: HELLO??? DONT IFNORE ME WHAT DO U MEAN BY THAT!!!!

akutagawa: It is what it is.

gin: wait wtf was that a meme did my brother just,, meme?

atsushi: EYE-

higuchi: oh my god

tachihara: still cant believe yall r related idk how to feel about this @gin

kyouka: atsushi ur panicking is not helping your case

kenji: ooooh we should all go to the onsen together then!!

kajii: YES MY FRIEND I AGREE

yosano: wtf when did u guys become friends? @kenji_farmliving @kajii_lemon

kajii: when he helped with my experiment of course!

kenji: it was really fun!! cant wait to do it again :D

tanizaki: i can never fully understand whats going on in this chat

hirotsu: I share the same sentiment. @tanizakijunichirou

Chapter Text

6.34 a.m.

dazai: i think

chuuya: no one cares

dazai: MEAN!!

dazai: NEWAYS

dazai: i just think that 

dazai: atsushi kitty

chuuya: actually. thats. a valid point for once.

kyouka: yes. atsushi kitty.

atsushi: ????? im a tiger!! not a cat!! >:((

yosano: no but actually!!! 

yosano: think about it

yosano: u like to laze in the sun

ranpo: u sleep a lot

kyouka: u do those stretches that cats do sometimes

kunikida: You’re quite easily frightened.

atsushi: kunikida not u too :’(

chuuya: have yall,,, tried petting his head or sumn

dazai: i have!! if he could purr im sure he would

atsushi: im not a cat!!!

akutagawa: Well, you do enjoy chasing Rashomon around like how a cat chases dangling strings around.

atsushi: thats not true!!

atsushi: wait wtf

atsushi: HAVE U BEEN DANGLING RASHOMON IN FRONT OF ME ON PURPOSE?????

akutagawa: And if I have?

atsushi: WTF AKUTAGAWA IM NOT A CAT!!!

kajii: well scientifically speaking, a tiger is just a big cat

hirotsu: Actually, Atsushi-kun. Based on the above testimonies, I do think that the Atsushi Kitty movement is solid.

gin: i can see it

gin: also, my brother likes cats

akutagawa: Gin.

dazai: OHOHOHOHO

higuchi: … i can see it too actually

higuchi: the weretiger’s resemblance to a cat, that is

kenji: ATSUSHI KITTY!!

yosano: atsushi kitty!!

kyouka: atsushi kitty

dazai: ATSUSHI KITTY RIGHTS!!

chuuya: a movement i can get behind

chuuya: atsushi kitty

gin: atsushi kitty

tachihara: atsushi kitty

tanizaki: ATSUSHI KITTY!!!!! <333333 -naomi

akutagawa: … Atsushi kitty.

atsushi: wtf...

7.54 pm

dazai: so if i hit myself and im hurt does that make me weak or strong

yosano: it’s too early for this

kunikida: This question gets on my nerves for some reason.

kajii: now THIS is the pinnacle of science

kajii: well for you to feel hurt you’ll need to apply enough pressure to the pain receptors in your epidermis

kajii: assuming that the amount needed to activate the pain receptors is constant, that means the more pain u feel the stronger u are

kajii: HOWEVER lets assume that the amount needed to activate the pain receptors is a variable, meaning that it changes from one person to another

kajii: that means the more pain u feel, the less tolerant you are of pain, which makes you weak.

kajii: i feel like the second theory is more realistically accurate so i’d say u’re weak

yosano: that moment when u’re just fucking around but u get a whole ass science lesson in return

chuuya: i can help u get stronger u waste of bandages :) let me increase your pain tolerance :))

atsushi: i feel like strength and weakness is more than that. like consider person A who can feel more pain, but is able to tolerate vs person B who cant feel any pain and hence wont need to tolerate it. wouldnt person A be considered stronger since he had to (and could!) withstand it? i feel like there’s strength in acknowledging pain.

akutagawa: Back on this bullshit again, I see.

akutagawa: But, I agree.

akutagawa: Having the option to kill, but withholding yourself from doing so is a much harder act. I see strength in that. Strength in being merciful.

akutagawa: It would be much easier to just stab them and be done with it.

atsushi: … ok im glad u learned ur lesson from ur 6 months no killing spree but damn,,,,

dazai: MY DISCIPLE. YOU’VE GROWN. :’)

akutagawa: I guess.

gin: lol he’s tearing up rn

akutagawa: Fake news.

atsushi: gin send some pics we need to commemorate the day akutagawa Feels Emotions

gin: will do, brother-in-law!

yosano: oooh atsushi, u sly fox. just say u want pics of akutagawa and go

kunikida: You really aren’t subtle. I’m not sure how to feel about your budding relationship. It feels forbidden, somehow.

fukuzawa: As long as the alliance is in place, it should be fine.

mori: even if its not thats fine by me lmao

mori: like i might be all for crime and stuff but i’ll never go against gay rights

mori: actually, my personal motto is be gay do crimes

chuuya: amen to that

akutagawa: The only relationship I have with Nakajima is forced work partnership.

gin: but u wished it was more

akutagawa: No.

hirotsu: It’s already more.

akutagawa: No.

atsushi: bold of u to assume i want to be in any relationship with you, forced or not

akutagawa: Why must you be so difficult?

atsushi: i like seeing u suffer

dazai: so atsushi likes watching akutagawa? 

ranpo: yeah thats what i got from the sentence too

atsushi: I LIKE SEEING HIM SUFFER 

yosano: so you like watching akutagawa, we get it

atsushi: emphasis on suffer

kyouka: emphasis on “enjoy watching akutagawa”

tanizaki: yeah no matter how you word it the only conclusion is that u like watching him

tachihara: i kind of have to agree on that one

higuchi: yes, weretiger. there’s no getting out of that

atsushi: i hate all of u

akutagawa: I object. I’m the only one you should hate.

atsushi: wtf

gin: ugh why are they so hopeless

chuuya: helloooo atsushi’s life savings <3

3.45 a.m.

kyouka: i have a question

kouyou: Kyouka, my dear. What is it?

kouyou: Although, I’m quite worried that you’re up this late.

kyouka: i think it would be more economical for atsushi’s wallet if i bought a crepe machine maker

kyouka: can i buy it?

kouyou: Absolutely. I’ll have it delivered to your dorm as soon as possible. Do you still room with the weretiger?

kyouka: thank you ^^

kyouka: and yes i do

akutagawa: Where does the weretiger sleep then?

kyouka: in the closet

kouyou: Very well. It should arrive tomorrow afternoon. Have fun making crepes, dear.

kyouka: i will. i’ll make one for you as thanks.

chuuya: oh god big sis is tearing up i am not paid enough to deal with this

kouyou: Hush, Chuuya.

2.35 p.m.

atsushi: is something wrong with akutagawa?

higuchi: not that i know of, why?

atsushi: why hasnt he threatened me with murder yet??

higuchi: … there are no words

dazai: maybe he wants to be friendlier with you or something?

akutagawa: I hope all of you are aware that I am included in this group chat as well.

atsushi: ok

atsushi: so whats wrong with you???

akutagawa: Nothing. I am perfectly well.

gin: sounds sus

atsushi: thank u gin

akutagawa: Is it truly hard to believe that I may not feel up to murdering you every now and then?

atsushi: tf kinda question,,,, obviously yes??

atsushi: u’ve been trying to kill me since the first time we met

atsushi: and it only stopped like a few months ago

atsushi: … r u trying to lower my defenses so that u can just stab me one day

akutagawa: I do not need to lower your defenses to be able to stan you, Nakajima, and I am sure you are well aware of that fact.

atsushi: stan??? me????

akutagawa: stab**

dazai: wbk akutagawa is an atsushi stan what else is new

akutagawa: It was a typo.

chuuya: well yeah it may be a typo but that doesnt change how true it is

akutagawa: I do not stan the weretiger.

gin: yes u do

hirotsu: This again? 

atsushi: … so u havent threatened to murder me bcs u stan me… okay……..

akutagawa: Shut up.

dazai: lmaooo he cant even deny the statement

Akutagawa left the group yokohama’s protectors uwu .

atsushi: i wasnt going to make fun of him for it…

dazai osamu added Akutagawa to the group yokohama’s protectors uwu .

atsushi: i was about to say i lowkey stanned him too sometimes he’s kinda cool when he’s not trying to kill me

akutagawa: You think I’m cool, Nakajima?

atsushi: of course this was going to happen

atsushi: but if u really must know… yes i think ur cool or wtv sue me

akutagawa: Oh.

gin: lol he’s panicking

dazai: judging by the way things r heading…. rip chuuya’s life savings

chuuya: u know…. i cant even bring myself to be that mad

3.00 p.m.

atsushi: u know what akutagawa im gonna need u to feel murderous right about now and take me tf out

higuchi: … as in ending your life or out on a date?

gin: higuchi asking the real questions

tachihara: …. what happened in the 25 mins this group was inactive lmao

atsushi: no one say a word!!

atsushi: also

atsushi: where tf is that murderous coat rack when u need him most this is atsushi-phobic

dazai: MURDEROUS COAT RACK SHKSHDKD

akutagawa: I don’t know if I should kill you for calling me a murderous coat rack or not kill you just to go against your wishes.

chuuya: everyday i face that dilemma when dealing with dazai rip……. f for solidarity

kajii: but there’s no letter f in solidarity…? so does that mean there’s no solidarity?

chuuya: …

kyouka: atsushi accidentally called fukuzawa “dad”

atsushi: KYOUKA-CHAN!!!

fukuzawa: Do you see me as a parental figure, Atsushi-kun?

mori: well u do exude daddy vibes

kouyou: Oh my God.

chuuya: wheres the bleach i need to Cleanse my eyes what the fuck

yosano: wine. i need wine.

kenji: what did mori-san mean when he said daddy vibes?

kunikida: I cannot deal with this. Atsushi, take responsibility.

atsushi: why me????

kunikida: You started the whole discussion regarding… parental figures.

atsushi: pls kill me right this instant @Akutagawa

akutagawa: And why should I? I’m quite enjoying this.

atsushi: you’re always going off about how i shouldnt die yet bcs i should only die by ur hands well hello!! nows ur chance!!!

akutagawa: No.

gin: so what im getting from that statement is “only i can kill you”  and i think thats beautiful

higuchi: akutagawa senpai, at first i thought that the weretiger was not suitable for you but seeing how happy he makes you, i shall support you every step of the way

ranpo: ok but are we just going to ignore how nakahara said that he faces the “to kill or not to kill” dilemma everyday? that implies he sees dazai everyday

hirotsu: Oho?

mori: did both of u finally get over yourselves and talk it out or is that too much

chuuya: wait why are we suddenly talking about this

kouyou: He’s not denying it.

kajii: that’s basically a confession

kenji: chuuya-san likes dazai-san??

chuuya: no i dont!!

kenji: really? thank u so much for telling us!

chuuya: wait

chuuya: what

kenji: what? :o

chuuya: you’re not going to question further?

kenji: why should i? you’ve already told us your honest answer there’s no need to doubt your words

chuuya: huh….

chuuya: well ok…….

kenji: thanks once again! :D im really glad you trust us enough to share this with us

chuuya: ok now u’re just mocking me

kenji: im not!! there’s nothing to mock?? im just genuinely happy for you!

chuuya: ………..

chuuya: ugh FINE i like that stupid bandage wasting asshole. 

chuuya: THERE. HAPPY?

kenji: ah, really??? thanks for telling us!! :D i knew that honest conversation would help us understand each other better!!

chuuya: ….. what……...

tanizaki: kenji-kun’s method really is amazing holy shit…..

kouyou: It’s about time you admit that, Chuuya-kun. 

kunikida: Wait. Where’s Dazai?

atsushi: thats right….. wouldnt he be holding this against chuuya-san?

kyouka: he took a nap after laughing about atsushi’s murderous coat rack insult for five minutes straight

yosano: … where?? i dont see him??

ranpo: rooftop

chuuya: …. so im safe

hirotsu: For now.

chuuya: …. ok u know what akutagawa im gonna need your murdering services too

akutagawa: …

Chapter Text

4.36 p.m.

dazai: you havent killed chuuya yet right? @Akutagawa

akutagawa: Why would I kill my own superior?

dazai: perfect

kouyou: If you’re planning on seeing him, you might have to wait awhile. He’s not in the country.

dazai: WHAT

kajii: yeah lol he fled to new zealand

dazai: new zealand huh?

kunikida: Dazai. Don’t. You don’t have the money to go there.

dazai: how’d you know i was planning to fly there lol

dazai: also!! money doesnt matter in the face of true love!!

atsushi: oh my god he said the l word

mori: are you finally going to do something?

kunikida: Don’t tell me… you’re planning on stealing a plane to get there?!

dazai: @morithemafiaboss yes

dazai: @KunikidaDoppo im not going to steal omg what do u take me for??? im simply.. Borrowing… stuff

hirotsu: huh that explains the missing private jet

yosano: can he even pilot the plane tho

tanizaki: why’s the port mafia so chill over the fact that dazai literally stole one of their planes??

kouyou: It’s for Chuuya’s happiness. He deserves it.

mori: yeah esp for being unlucky enough to be the guy dazai falls for

atsushi: i feel like i should be defending dazai-san for this but i kind of agree

akutagawa: Oh. Nakajima? Finally have working brain cells?

atsushi: oh stfu akutagawa

akutagawa: Make me.

atsushi: is that a challenge?

akutagawa: And if it is?

atsushi: i’ll accept.

atsushi: :)

atsushi: ryuunosuke :)

gin: OBLITERATED

higuchi: the way senpai stopped whatever he was doing for a solid 3 minutes

higuchi: the power that u hold … its scary @atsushiii

kyouka: he did it with a smile too

kyouka: im proud of you atsushi

kyouka: hours of watching assassination classroom finally paid off

gin: wait. u watch assassination classroom?

kyouka: yes

gin: im disowning ryuu and adopting u as my sister

atsushi: wait why would u disown him

gin: kyouka is your sister, right?

gin: so if im her sister and you’re her sister and ryuu’s my brother

gin: u and him cant get married

gin: so im disowning him and he can join the family by marriage

atsushi: i-

hirotsu: How does every conversation we hold end up with Akutagawa and Atsushi fighting/flirting?

kouyou: They take after their mentors too much.

yosano: atsushi i am begging u to not pine as pitifully as dazai did 

atsushi: i’ll try? although theres no one im pining after now so u guys should be safe?

tanizaki: oh no he’s in the in denial phase

kenji: is akutagawa still alive?

gin: barely

higuchi: he’s still staring at his screen in shock

kyouka: rip akutagawa

ranpo: rip

tachihara: rip

gin: rip

higuchi: rip

kouyou: RIP

hirotsu: RIP

mori: rip in pieces

Fukuzawa: Condolences. 

kajii: rip

tanizaki: rip

atsushi: uh rip?

akutagawa: Stop telling people I’m dead. @gin

gin: sometimes i can still hear his voice

5.30 a.m.

dazai: rip akutagawa

dazai: also!!

dazai: i landed safely in new zealand!! :D

dazai: that was hrs ago tho lol just telling yall in case yall r worried to death about me

dazai: chuuya and i are dating btw

chuuya: unfortunately

chuuya: oh yeah rip @Akutagawa

akutagawa: I’m still alive.

yosano: glad to hear you’re alive @dazaiosamu 

yosano: altho the group was quite preoccupied with akutagawa’s death so we lowkey kind of forgot you stole a plane and flew to NZ

dazai: i cant believe this

dazai: my other disciple also stealing my spotlight <//3

dazai: this is so sad

dazai: hows the afterlife btw @Akutagawa

akutagawa: …

atsushi: there there im sure its not that bad

akutagawa: Care to join me, Nakajima?

dazai: lol thats basically asking atsushi to accompany u even in death how sweet

chuuya: taking “until death do us apart” to a whole new level

atsushi: guys pls he’s just telling me to go d*e

akutagawa: Dazai-san is right.

atsushi: what

atsushi: wait i know what this is

atsushi: u’re just saying that bcs of ur unhealthy need for his validation

akutagawa: No?

atsushi: its ok akutagawa

atsushi: u’re already strong with or without his approval

akutagawa: Thanks but this isn’t really what it’s about.

atsushi: sure

kouyou: …

kouyou: I have no words.

mori: ok oblivious pining idiots aside

mori: answer this question or im breaking off the alliance

fukuzawa: …

mori: what has 2 butts and can kill?

chuuya: … boss?

mori: wrong

chuuya: i didnt mean that as an answer but ok

yosano: idk what?

mori: boo u’re no fun

fukuzawa: Mori-sensei. What is the meaning of this?

mori: fukuzawa-dono. this is called a distraction.

fukuzawa: … From what?

mori: u see i cant resist a good bet

mori: so …. ive placed An Amount on dazai’s prediction

fukuzawa: You’re betting on your subordinate’s love life?

mori: well if i have to see them pine i might as well get something out of it

kouyou: You’re right.

kouyou: $100 on ranpo’s prediction

yosano: that port mafia salary,,,,,

yosano: but ye $20 on ranpo’s prediction too

tachihara: $10 on dazai-san’s prediction

gin: $5 on ranpo’s

higuchi: same ^

hirotsu: $30 on dazai

atsushi: i feel like i should be offended by this

kyouka: i bet $5 that they’ll realise when they’re engaged in the stated activity

atsushi: KYOUKA-CHAN?????

tanizaki: $10 on kyouka-chan!! -naomi

tanizaki: me too ^

chuuya: betting dazai’s july salary on kyouka

dazai: u have that little faith in me?

chuuya: yes

kajii: wait i kinda wanna know the answer to mori-san’s question

atsushi: wait actually same

akutagawa: I am intrigued as well.

mori: !!!

mori: kajii, akutagawa, u guys r getting a raise

mori: nakajima, i guess we wont kill u

atsushi: … thats reassuring

mori: the answer is……

fukuzawa: An assassin.

mori: an assassin!!

mori: FUKUZAWA-DONO HOW COULD YOU?????

fukuzawa: You’ve told this joke countless times, Mori-sensei. It’s old.

mori: u’re old

fukuzawa: … 

kajii: … i kind of regret asking now

atsushi: same

akutagawa: On another note, I’m placing $300 that none of your predictions will occur. All proceeds will be split half and half between Nakajima and I.

atsushi: lit

atsushi: WAIT

atsushi: WHAT?????

ranpo: wait shit

kouyou: Can he do that?

tachihara: IS THIS ALLOWED???

chuuya: hold up…… u know something dont u @Akutagawa

akutagawa: :)

dazai: not bad, disciple. not bad.

atsushi: what… 

atsushiii > Akutagawa

atsushiii: akutagawa

atsushiii: what r u up to????

Akutagawa: im trying to save your pitiful state of finances

atsushiii: ??????

atsushiii: ok first of all

atsushiii: WHAT HAPPENED TO UR PROPER PUNCTUATION AND STUFF???

atsushiii: secondly

atsushiii: why?

Akutagawa: really, nakajima?

Akutagawa: the first thing you decide to comment on is my texting style?

atsushiii: its shocking ok!!

Akutagawa: it’s just you and me here

Akutagawa: i dont have to put up a facade

atsushiii: oh

atsushiii: huh

Akutagawa: moving on to your second question,,,

Akutagawa: that’s for me to know and for you to find out

atsushiii: tf

Akutagawa: is that all?

atsushiii: wait… but…. shouldnt i be in on the plan too? since its about my love life and all?

Akutagawa: no 

Akutagawa: that’ll only lead to ranpo winning

Akutagawa: just,,, sit there and do nothing

atsushiii: ….. what???

Akutagawa: it’s better if you don’t think about it

Akutagawa: forget this thing existed, nakajima

atsushiii: right… 

atsushiii: well.. uh thanks? i guess?

Akutagawa: np

6.30 p.m.

dazai: i just realised

dazai: this group wont talk unless i initiate the conversation

dazai: wtf

yosano: to be fair

yosano: we’re still quite wary of each other

yosano: so its not like we can be all buddy buddy from the start

kunikida: It’s different for you, Dazai, because you know everyone here.

dazai: true

dazai: but thats what this group is for!

dazai: … among other things

ranpo: lmao

dazai: ;)

dazai: n e ways!!

dazai: i think an ice breaking session should take place

chuuya: isnt that too late esp with all the gossip and slander we’ve exchanged

tachihara: thats mainly just about the bet tho

higuchi: and the weretiger’s love life consequently 

atsushi: … i feel so betrayed

dazai: its never too late!

kouyou: What do you propose we do?

kouyou: Tell three interesting facts about ourselves?

dazai: nahhh thats boring

dazai: im spicing things up a little

chuuya: uh oh

dazai: tell one (1) fact u know about someone here

dazai: i’ll go first

dazai: chuuya’s lowkey an alcoholic 

chuuya: …

chuuya: dazai’s officially single again

dazai: CHUUYA

kenji: oooh! this is fun!!

kenji: yosano wants a girlfriend!

yosano: amen

yosano: kunikida pours the milk before the cereal

tachihara: @KunikidaDoppo YOU HEATHEN

kunikida: @tachihara There’s nothing wrong with doing things the right way.

atsushi: wdym the right way????? everyone knows u put the cereal in first!!! @KunikidaDoppo

kouyou: That’s just not right. @KunikidaDoppo

hirotsu: Law and order are a thing, just so you're aware of it. @KunikidaDoppo

kunikida: No.

kunikida: Moving on.

kunikida: Tanizaki enjoys pineapple on pizza.

kyouka: demon snow pls grant me strength

tachihara: what is wrong w the detective agency??? yall arent normal omg

mori: u need help @tanizakijunichirou

tanizaki: it’s delicious ok!!

tanizaki: the FLAVOUR is astronomical

tanizaki: ur taste buds just suck

tanizaki: PERIOD -naomi

Akutagawa: Pineapple on pizza isn’t that bad. It’s quite nice.

gin: its like idek u anymore @Akutagawa

higuchi: senpai…. i’m so disappointed in you

atsushi: i kinda have to agree w akutagawa tho

akutagawa: At least the weretiger has taste.

chuuya: yall deserve each other fr

dazai: disgusting

tanizaki: atsushi and akutagawa are men of culture

tanizaki: speaking of atsushi

tanizaki: he has a horrible sweet tooth

atsushi: im not ashamed

gin: o worm? ryuu has a horrible sweet tooth too

chuuya: RYUU????

chuuya: THATS ADORABLE

atsushi: ryuu~

akutagawa: shut up atsushi

atsushi: i-

atsushi: OKAY MOVING ON

atsushi: kenji’s barbecue skills are godsent

kenji: thanks atsushi! 

kouyou: Didn’t you live on a farm? With cows?

kenji: yes!! thats why i know exactly how to cook them :D

tachihara: the detective agency really isnt normal…

kunikida: And the Port Mafia is?

tachihara: well relatively

tachihara: for example

tachihara: hirotsu cried when karasuno lost against seijoh in season 1

yosano: thats understandable

kunikida: How is that normal?

tachihara: its more normal compared to u

hirotsu: I’m glad someone understands.

hirotsu: Since I’ve been mentioned, I assume it’s my turn.

hirotsu: Kouyou also wants a girlfriend.

kouyou: That I do.

ranpo: interesting… :)

kouyou: … Should I feel threatened?

yosano: midly

dazai: interesting indeed….

kouyou: If Dazai’s involved, the threat level goes up exponentially.

kouyou: To divert attention away from the topic, I’ll reveal the fact that Mori has been pining for the same person for over a decade.

mori: … and why would u expose me like that

akutagawa: That’s information I could’ve lived without knowing.

mori: thats rich coming from u ˚✧₊⁎❝᷀ົཽ≀ˍ̮ ❝᷀ົཽ⁎⁺˳✧༚

fukuzawa: Please never use that again.

mori: i think

mori: not

fukuzawa: …

mori: okay my turn!! fukuzawa-dono’s weakness = cute things

fukuzawa: I will not comment further on the matter.

fukuzawa: Ranpo likes mystery novels.

yosano: lmao more like the author of mystery novels

ranpo: i wouldnt be saying much if i were u akiko 

yosano: :|

ranpo: :)

ranpo: kyouka rates the assassination attempts in assassination classroom

kyouka: they really r amateurs

gin: ok serious question: karma or nagisa

kyouka: for the civil war arc?

gin: yeah

kyouka: i wanted nagisa to win but i agree with karma’s reasoning

gin: i knew i could trust u

kyouka: :D

kyouka: ok who else is left?

dazai: akutagawa and kajii i think

kajii: ooh i’ll go first!!

kajii: hmm who should i expose?

kajii: ah i know!

kajii: tachihara sucks ass at table tennis

gin: omg yeah

hirotsu: Facts.

tachihara: i do not!!

chuuya: yes u do

akutagawa: You’re horrible at it. @tachihara

tachihara: damn,,,, 

tachihara: yall r mean

akutagawa: … 

akutagawa: I suppose it’s my turn now.

akutagawa: Gin enjoys watching romcoms.

akutagawa: Interested parties, take note.

akutagawa: Just remember that you’ll have to go through me, though. :)

gin: ryuu u’re so embarrassing

atsushi: awww protective brother ryuu~

akutagawa: Someone has to be the protective one between the two of us.

atsushi: the two of us…?

akutagawa: You’re her brother-in-law, aren’t you?

atsushi: WHAT

gin: WHAT

higuchi: WHAT

chuuya: WHAT

dazai: WHAT

dazai: ok well tbh i saw this coming but i just wanted to join in

ranpo: i see… 

gin: what just happened……

atsushi: u and me both gin, u and me both...........

Chapter Text

4.36 p.m.

yosano: chuuya

yosano: just a heads up

yosano: but i think dazai started a cult in your honour

chuuya: what

kenji: i still find it amazing how your hat didnt fall off your head when you were upside down

atsushi: can we also talk about how cool he is?? fighting with his hands in his pockets like damn

akutagawa: I do that too?

atsushi: i choose not to see

tanizaki: not to mention!! how powerful he is?? dazai told us that he shoved a building down a dragon’s throat during that weird mist incident

atsushi: ugh what an icon

tanizaki: he seems quite friendly and down to earth too!! for a mafioso that is -naomi

tachihara: nakahara chuuya the man the myth the legend

chuuya: … why is this happening shitty dazai?

dazai: cant a man start a fanclub for his boyfriend in peace?

chuuya: not if that man is you

dazai: ouchies :((

chuuya: ….

kunikida: Nakahara-san. Do you mind if I murder your lover?

chuuya: not at all lol go ahead

mori: oof

dazai: this is so sad

dazai: i’ll never forget this betrayal

yosano: i cant believe someone like dazai has a s/o but i dont??

yosano: this is home of foe big

kouyou: Felt that.

ranpo: same

yosano: ranpo your crush is practically head over heels for u all u have to do is confess

ranpo: fake news

dazai: have u ever met someone so smart yet so dumb

atsushi: dazai-san with all due respect, you were in the same situation as ranpo-san a few days ago

dazai: atsushi u have no rights u’re literally in the situation

atsushi: i dont have a crush tho??

gin: f for ryuu

higuchi: f

hirotsu: F.

tachihara: f

kajii: f

chuuya: f

akutagawa: Keep telling yourself that, weretiger.

yosano: pause

dazai: WHAT

kouyou: Oh my.

atsushi: i-

mori: ok moving on

mori: ranpo-kun

mori: a lil advice from your senpai when it comes to Love Matters

fukuzawa: You’re not his senpai.

mori: N E WAY

mori: use ultra deduction and u’ll instantly know

ranpo: obviously

ranpo: but

ranpo: i dont want to do that to him

ranpo: like?? i feel like im prying into his life????

ranpo: and what if i do use ultra deduction

ranpo: and he doesnt like me like that??

ranpo: i’ll be too heartbroken to face him

ranpo: and then i’ll have to quit the agency and yall would be jobless i cant do that

kunikida: You don’t have to quit the Agency, though.

ranpo: ofc i have to!!

ranpo: if i suddenly go all mia on him he’d come here and find me and tbh i cant deal w facing that criminally attractive face irl when im plagued w the knowledge that he wont ever like me the way i like him

tanizaki: we can prevent him from coming to the Agency?

ranpo: now wheres the drama in that

tanizaki: i

tanizaki: well ok then

dazai: guess we’ll just have to get poe to confess 

chuuya: you’re right for once

dazai: you wound me <//3 

atsushi: so… operation: ranpoe?

dazai: operation: ranpoe.

akutagawa: You already have a name for the mission? @atsushiii

atsushi: tbh me and dazai-san have been working on it for quite some time now…

yosano: why didnt u tell us all sooner omg

kouyou: My thoughts exactly. Ranpo and Poe could have been together by now.

yosano: facts!! men are far too incompetent when it comes to matters of the heart.

kouyou: Agreed.

gin: preach

higuchi: ^ 

ranpo: i-

ranpo: thanks???

dazai: no prob!!

dazai: stage 1 is already underway tho

ranpo: wait what

atsushi: really???

atsushi: thats fast

ranpo: ???? whats stage 1??????

dazai: 3

ranpo: 3 what

dazai: 2

ranpo: wait

dazai: 1

ranpo: DAZAI

ranpo: I HDKSJSLSJ

ranpo: HDLSJSLSJDLDJLDJDLSD

ranpo: [DECEASED.]

atsushi: …. im guessing that went well?

akutagawa: Literally how does that sentence indicate that things went well?

chuuya: im with him on this ^

dazai: stage 1 was getting lucy to ask poe for help

hirotsu: How does that explain Ranpo’s reaction?

atsushi: dazai-san broke the coffee machine, knowing that lucy didnt know how to repair it. not wanting to trouble the coffee shop owners more than she already had, she’d ask someone familiar to her and that would be poe-san.

atsushi: their former strategist loved to drink coffee and whenever the machine broke down, interestingly enough, it would be poe who’d fix things.

gin: how does fixing a coffee machine lead to… that

dazai: easy! did some tinkering that’ll lead to poe getting drenched in (cold) water that’ll cause him to ditch those outer layers of clothing and be in his white shirt

dazai: and!! cause him to sweep his bangs away!!! exposing his always covered forehead

atsushi: obviously he wouldnt want to be wet the whole day so he’ll ask a friend for a spare change of clothes and who else would that friend be if not ranpo-san?

dazai: its super convenient too bcs the cafe’s only 3 floors below our floor so it would make more sense for poe to come here rather than go back

higuchi: that…. explains the reaction

chuuya: … idk if i should be amazed or scared w ur planning…. @dazaiosamu

kunikida: If only you kept that same enthusiasm with doing paperwork. @dazaiosamu

atsushi: ^ felt that

yosano: ok that explains the reaction… but how will this bring ranpoe together?

dazai: we all know how Impactful poe would be in just a white shirt + forehead out and about

dazai: so betting on that, im guessing that ranpo wont be able to mask his expression so it might give a hint to poe that his feelings arent as unrequited as he thought

dazai: hopefully that’ll give him some courage to confess someday

dazai: it’ll be faster once stage 2 and 3 commence tho

kouyou: I am actually quite impressed.

hirotsu: As expected from a former Port Mafia executive.

tachihara: wow now i know who i shouldnt piss off…

tanizaki: exactly

dazai: Oh? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

akutagawa: Hmm.

akutagawa: What stage are you at with me? @dazaiosamu

dazai: considering that you’re self-aware now….. stage 6 maybe?

akutagawa: So this whole thing was a part of your plan.

dazai: maybe ;-)

akutagawa: … 

chuuya: what r u guys talking about???

dazai: nothing!!

chuuya: sounds sus

mori: hm…..

atsushi: i somehow feel that i should know whats going on but tbh i dont

kyouka: same

higuchi: i have a bad feeling about this

tachihara: this ominous atmosphere… i dont like it

gin: i’ll do u one better

gin: i reject the vibe check

atsushi: mannnnn i wanna be friends w the black lizard peeps they seem cool

tanizaki: mood

dazai: Ohoho? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

tanizaki: :|

kyouka: im friends with gin. can confirm she’s cool. :D

gin: thanks kyouka. you’re cool too. :D

hirotsu: The speed this chat changes topics… amazing.

Chapter Text

11.25 a.m.

tachihara: akutagawa dont stab me but

tachihara: the tea u told me to get sold out

akutagawa: …

akutagawa: I expected this to happen.

akutagawa: I knew that if it wasn’t me who went, this would happen.

akutagawa: I told you to take Super Savers Saturday seriously.

gin: oh yeah its a warzone every time never underestimate middle aged women who’s out for a bargain

kyouka: middle aged women and atsushi tbh

kyouka: the only time he’ll willingly fight others (excluding battlefields and akutagawa) is when he’s out grocery shopping and his favourite items are on sale

atsushi: … not my finest moment

tachihara: … u’ll fight the elderly for premium green tea that’s 50% off?

atsushi: what do u take me for???

kyouka: the answer’s yes btw

atsushi: KYOUKA-CHAN

yosano: atsushi……..

fukuzawa: Hmm.

kunikida: What did I tell you about upholding the Agency’s image?

atsushi: in my defense

atsushi: im broke and i need ways to cut down on my expenses ok

atsushi: being nice is a privilege only the rich can afford

dazai: in conclusion

dazai: eat the rich!!!!

akutagawa: Didn’t know you had it in you. @atsushiii

higuchi: senpai fell harder didnt he

akutagawa: Higuchi.

gin: HIGUCHI OH MY GOD GDKDHDKDJDK IM LOVING THIS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

tachihara: something tells me higuchi finally learned to simp for the correct akutagawa

akutagawa: wtf

akutagawa: Stop roasting me.

gin: no <3

tanizaki: are we just going to ignore the fact that atsushi threatens the elderly just so he could be a bit richer by the end of the month????

ranpo: yeah i cant believe you’d exterminate your competition that way atsushi

dazai: to think atsushi would k*ll old ppl for more savings…..

atsushi: WHEHSKSBSKD??????

atsushi: HOW DID THE STORY BECOME THIS EXAGGERATED???

yosano: i guess super savers saturday changes people

kenji: its true what they say

kenji: you’ll only know someone’s true self when presented with limited discounted items on sale

atsushi: i-

mori: the port mafia welcomes u, atsushi

atsushi: uh no thanks

atsushi: BUT I DIDNT K*LL ANYONE OMG

atsushi: all i did was lightly nudge them out of the way a teeny tiny bit

kyouka: “if they fall thats on them” - atsushi, present

chuuya: ATSUSHI GDKSHDKDJDK

atsushi: KYOUKA-CHAN PLEASE HDKDHDKDH

kunikida: …

kouyou: What an interesting turn of events.

kouyou: I never expected the weretiger to be capable of such atrocities.

kouyou: He would fit right in with the Port Mafia.

atsushi: stop trying to recruit me hdkdhdkdbd

atsushi: besides im sure president fukuzawa wont allow this

fukuzawa: Taking into account your habit of assaulting the elderly for monetary gain, I’m not quite sure.

atsushi: I DONT DO THOSE THINGS THO BSKSHDKDH

akutagawa: There, there, Nakajima. No one’s shaming you for it.

chuuya: literally everyone is????

akutagawa: Well, I won’t.

atsushi: … thats nice to know

atsushi: BUT I DONT BEAT UP THE ELDERLY TO SAVE SOME MONEY GSKSHSKSHD

atsushi: i dont deserve this slander

dazai: the elderly dont deserve to be punished either but here we are

atsushi: …

kyouka: i hope the discounted green tea was worth it

atsushi: ……. it actually was ngl

tachihara: … wait i thought the whole “atsushi going feral over discounted things” was a joke

gin: … you mean it isnt???

higuchi: his statement indicates otherwise….

dazai: its a joke guys

dazai: atsushi’s way too pure for those kind of things

dazai: he’s a cinnamon roll

yosano: too precious for this world

mori: damn it

kunikida: Wait, it was?

tanizaki: we were just teasing him

tanizaki: literally who would believe atsushi of all people world roughhouse the elderly for things on sale

atsushi: right!! hahaha….

kyouka: …

hirotsu: That doesn’t sound like it’s just a joke.

ranpo: …. impossible

ranpo: this is atsushi we’re talking about

kyouka: just use ultra deduction and the truth will come to light

chuuya: i dont think thats necessary

chuuya: atsushi wont do that….. right……?

ranpo: oh my god

ranpo: atsushi………

dazai: ranpo what does that mean????

dazai: IM SHAKING

dazai: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN

ranpo: i cant do this

kyouka: atsushi is not above getting physical just to snatch that last box of discounted chazuke flavoured ramen regardless of age and/or gender

gin: so its true…

gin: brother-in-law…….

mori: ONE OF US ONE OF US!!!!

tachihara: even the port mafia wouldnt stoop so low…

atsushi: OK I ADMIT

atsushi: i did… lightly push away that middle aged guy as he was reaching for the ramen

atsushi: BUT THAT WAS ONE (1) TIME

atsushi: and he wasnt even that old!!

atsushi: i think he’s about hirotsu-san’s age

atsushi: and!!!! he already snatched 3 boxes!!!!!!! 

atsushi: greed is a worse crime, right?

hirotsu: I’m flattered that you think I’m not that old, Atsushi. Many people think I’m older than my age because of the way I dress. I just reached my 50s!

tachihara: so half a century

tachihara: thats nowhere near middle aged atsushi!! he’s at least 3 quarters in or wtv

tachihara: thats old alright

hirotsu: … 

kenji: kyouka, how light was atsushi’s light pushing?

kyouka: i think atsushi intended it to be light

kyouka: but you know how the tiger is

yosano: oh my god

dazai: no….

chuuya: son…. how could you….

kunikida: Nakajima Atsushi….

ranpo: u didnt tell us the other reasons, atsushi

higuchi: other reasons?

tanizaki: HE HAS MULTIPLE REASONS TO JUSTIFY ELDERLY SHOVING???

ranpo: now now hear him out

atsushi: its okay, ranpo-san

atsushi: they dont have to know… 

ranpo: nonsense

ranpo: i will not let this slander continue!

ranpo: so the dude atsushi shoved was being degrading towards the other middle aged ladies there bcs apparently his go-to technique to wrestle some discounted goods was to insult his way to the front

ranpo: we all know that middle aged ladies are a Force to be reckoned with so really that dude dug his own grave

ranpo: he was about to be m*rdered if atsushi didnt shove him out of the way

ranpo: so yeah atsushi did it it bcs a) he wants the chazuke ramen b) to save the old man from death at the hands of angry middle aged ladies and c) to punish the man for being so sexist in the first place (without letting him be killed)

dazai: …

dazai: im so proud of you @atsushiii

chuuya: omg why didnt u tell us sooner we wouldve understood!!

akutagawa: Nakajima would rather sacrifice his image than outwardly give himself some credit.

kunikida: I’m usually against violence but you did well on this.

kyouka: ohhhhh so that’s why

gin: PHEW IM RELIEVED

mori: …. slightly less sinister than what i hoped but ONE OF US!! ONE OF US!!!!

fukuzawa: I think not. @morithemafiaboss

yosano: atsushi standing up for women! a concept i can get behind

kenji: well that doesnt change the fact that u struck down the elderly but we’re willing to overlook that fact! :D

atsushi: uh… thanks guys….? i think???

kenji: no problem!! :D

11.56 p.m.

yosano: i want a gf

kouyou: Mood.

yosano: omg we-

yosano: our minds,,,

kouyou: You know what they say.

kouyou: Great minds think alike.

yosano: amen to that

dazai: whos gonna tell um

chuuya: shut up dazai

kouyou: Tell us what?

chuuya: nothing :)

yosano: when dazai’s involved its almost always never nothing

kouyou: True. He’s always up to mischief one way or another.

yosano: mischief is putting it lightly

kouyou: Unfortunately.

dazai: omg theyre bonding :’)

chuuya: over insulting u lmao

dazai: ah the sacrifices one has to make for love to thrive

chuuya: …

chuuya: why do i even bother sometimes

akutagawa: If we were normally functioning members of society, we wouldn’t have joined the Port Mafia or the Armed Detective Agency.

gin: oof felt

tachihara: this is so sad

higuchi: true…

hirotsu: You may be right, but life isn’t that bad despite how screwed up we are inside.

kunikida: I agree. The sense of fulfilment I feel when I manage to stick by my ideals in times of need could not be experienced elsewhere. 

yosano: tea!

yosano: still want a gf tho

ranpo: is this going to be another atsushi situation

atsushi: HDKDHK I BREATHED???

yosano: nah im not in denial

atsushi: [clown emoji]

ranpo: so this is your method huh

yosano: its not perfect but its getting somewhere

dazai: need help?

yosano: absolutely not from you

gin: i feel like im missing an important piece of the conversation right in front of my eyes

higuchi: the way they can just,,, talk about their secrets in plain sight knowing full well most of us wont get it,,,,, the ADA’s something else

chuuya: to be fair, dazai’s shameless, atsushi’s clueless and ranpo’s guy isnt even in the chat

chuuya: seems like only yosano is fearless

kouyou: Women.

gin: agreed

yosano: aw guys u flatter me too much <3

3.27 a.m.

akutagawa: any coin laundry recommendations?

dazai: ?????

akutagawa: washing machine broke down

akutagawa: need clean clothes asap

chuuya: there’s a 24 hours one near hq

chuuya: ofc its owned by port mafia

chuuya: so it should be alright

mori: hehe it doesnt just launder clothes ;-)

akutagawa: right

akutagawa: thanks

atsushiii > Akutagawa

atsushiii: u can do ur laundry at my place

Akutagawa: what

atsushiii: i know u’re tired and stuff

atsushiii: u’re not even using ur proper punctuation facade in the group chat

Akutagawa: … and you’d let me come over and do laundry because you think i’m tired……?

atsushiii: u dont have to if u dont want to omg

Akutagawa: i have no qualms with it

Akutagawa: just

Akutagawa: why?

atsushiii: idk

atsushiii: ig one does weird things past 2 am

Akutagawa: i suppose so

Akutagawa: … alright then

Akutagawa: i’ll see you in a bit

Akutagawa: thanks atsushi

atsushiii: yeah haha no prob!!

atsushiii  > kyouka_tofulover

atsushiii: KYOUKA-CHAN

atsushiii: HE CALLED ME ATSUSHI!!!!!

atsushiii: NOT WERETIGER NOT NAKAJIMA BUT ATSUSHI

kyouka_tofulover: … its 3 am

kyouka_tofulover: but congrats

kyouka_tofulover: u sure u dont like him like that?

atsushiii: yes???? im just…. happy he finally called me by name

kyouka_tofulover: all of us call u by ur name wheres the enthusiasm

atsushiii: its… different…..

kyouka_tofulover: mhmmm….. and why is that?

atsushiii: because

atsushiii: uh

atsushiii: we used to be enemies…?

kyouka_tofulover: u dont sound so sure

atsushiii: …

atsushiii: i gtg he’s here

kyouka_tofulover: …. what?

atsushiii: BYE KYOUKA-CHAN!!! TTYL!!!

kyouka_tofulover: ATSUSHI WHAT????

kyouka_tofulover: oh my god does he have a secret lover…

Chapter Text

11.56 p.m.

dazai: this is random but

dazai: if we were normal functioning people, what jobs would yall be doing

dazai: or well

dazai: what degrees will u be studying

chuuya: that… actually is quite random

chuuya: are you okay?

dazai: im fine

dazai: why do u ask?

chuuya: its just… sus

chuuya: its ok u can dm me about it later if u dont want the others to know

chuuya: moving on….. i think i would’ve wanted to be a singer tbh

chuuya: like the ones in bands that play in underground bars or sumn

dazai: u… can sing?

chuuya: yes?

dazai: sing for me later

dazai: please?

chuuya: okay….. 

chuuya: i answered ur question. what about u?

dazai: me?

dazai: hmmmmmm

dazai: i’d be unemployed probz lol

atsushi: ooo!!! i’d want to study literature!!

akutagawa: I’d like to study literature.

atsushi: omg akutagawa we-

atsushi: our minds,,,,,

akutagawa: Maybe we still would’ve met under different circumstances. 

akutagawa: Interesting.

kyouka: well i’d still be in middle school….

kenji: me too!!!

kenji: omg kyouka we could’ve been schoolmates!

kyouka: but you live in the countryside, kenji

kenji: maybe i’d move for school!

kyouka: maybe

yosano: i’d be a doctor, obviously

kunikida: I would return to my previous occupation. Someone needs to teach the younger generation the right ideals.

ranpo: i’ll still be the world’s greatest detective so nothing much would’ve changed.

fukuzawa: And I’ll still be running the Agency.

tanizaki: hmmm i’ll probably go for an art degree

tachihara: that suits u

tachihara: u know with light snow and all that

tanizaki: thanks!

tachihara: np

tachihara: hmm i’ll probably do engineering? chemical engineering? 

gin: oof thats rough

gin: i’ll do a degree in business

higuchi: same!!

gin: we-

higuchi: ugh look at us!

hirotsu: I’d like to run a nursery.

hirotsu: I feel the need to take care of rowdy kids.

tachihara: that was a jab at us wasnt it @gin

gin: it sure was

kouyou: Hmm. I’ll probably be a florist.

kouyou: That, or I’ll run a crepe stand so that Kyouka can come whenever she wants to.

kyouka: :D

kouyou: :)

kajii: a researcher for me, definitely

dazai: what wholesome dreams omg :’)

mori: i’d still be the boss of port mafia lol

dazai: … except u :|

10.24 a.m.

kyouka: i dont think atsushi’s single anymore

gin: WHAT

chuuya: HOW

dazai: did they finally get together????

ranpo: wow thats fast

akutagawa: … he isn’t?

dazai: wait what

dazai: … u’re still single akutagawa?

akutagawa: Yes.

ranpo: that cant be right

ranpo: yall should be un single together

akutagawa: … Things seldom work out in reality.

akutagawa: I’m used to it.

gin: ryuu…. 

gin: im getting us a tub of fig ice cream tonight my treat!!

higuchi: senpai do u need me to do any of your paperwork?

akutagawa: It’s fine.

akutagawa: I’ll get over it.

12.45 p.m.

atsushi: ?????? kyouka-chan???????

atsushi: what makes u say that???

atsushi: im still single????

gin: @Akutagawa

higuchi: @Akutagawa

mori: @Akutagawa

dazai: @Akutagawa

kyouka: ??? but the other night u said something about a man entering ur apartment????

chuuya: ATSUSHI

yosano: how scandalous!!

ranpo: … i see how it is

ranpo: chill peeps its all g

gin: wait kyouka-chan

gin: wouldnt u know who it was since u guys live together?

kyouka: oh no i moved out a while ago

kyouka: so no i wouldnt know if it wasnt for atsushi’s text

akutagawa: Oh.

gin: ryuu….

atsushi: OH

atsushi: HIM

atsushi: WAIT

atsushi: WHY WOULD U THINK WE’RE DATING???

kyouka: u were freaking out about him calling u by ur name? and then u suddenly announced that he showed up at ur house at 3 am in the morning ????

atsushi: KYOUKA-CHAN

atsushi: wait… u didnt know who i was talking about?

akutagawa: Oh.

gin: ryuu….?

chuuya: he’s finally lost it huh

kyouka: what? u asked me why i assumed that way so im offering u my explanation..?

kyouka: its not as if the guy is in this chat

kyouka: …. and was i supposed to know who you’re talking about??

kyouka: wait

kyouka: WAIT JUST A MINUTE

kenji: oooh its rare to see kyouka type in all caps

kajii: its even rarer to see u in this groupchat my friend

kenji: that is also quite true, friend

chuuya: wait…. 3 am…… the other night………..

dazai: oh so thats whats going on

gin: ????? am i the only one clueless?????

tachihara: i just read the gc and im as clueless as u

higuchi: is there a cause for celebration? why does senpai look… quite pleased?

chuuya: i knew it

kyouka: oh god

gin: ohhh!!!

tachihara: ???? helloo??????

tanizaki: wait i dont get it???

mori: these bitches gay

mori: good for them

dazai: HDKSHDKDH

chuuya: LMAOOOO

tachihara: someone dumb it down for me

tanizaki: me too

tanizaki: i dont want to read between the lines

kouyou: From what I understood, Atsushi-kun is still single. The man aforementioned caused quite the misunderstanding but he is not the weretiger’s secret lover. Based on contextual clues, it is safe to assume that the man isn’t a threat to our bet. In fact, the man is Akutagawa himself.

tachihara: thanks kouyou-san!!

tanizaki: thank you!!

yosano: omg your mind is so sexy

kouyou: Why, thank you. Your mind is sexy as well.

higuchi: akutagawa senpai went to nakajima’s house at 3 am in the morning??????

kenji: oh!! so thats what happened

kenji: does this mean atsushi was freaking out over akutagawa calling him… atsushi?

atsushi: GDKSHS WHY ARE YOU DRAWING ATTENTION TO THAT STATEMENT GDKDHDKD

kajii: that also means… atsushi-kun talks about akutagawa with kyouka

hirotsu: This must be a regular occurrence then.

akutagawa: That’s cute of you. @atsushiii

atsushi: GDKSHSKSHS SHUTTT

dazai: akutagawa-kun, you’re not off the hook either~

akutagawa: What do you mean? 

dazai: all of us saw how you reacted when you thought atsushi had a boyfriend

atsushi: hah!! take that akutagawa!!!

akutagawa: …

atsushi: wait

atsushi: u sounded kinda….

akutagawa: Bye.

atsushi: disappointed that i had a shot at love?

akutagawa: what

atsushi: damn akutagawa i know we had history w all the stabbing and breaking bones and what not but u dont want me to find happiness??

akutagawa: That’s not what I meant…

atsushi: then what did u mean?

akutagawa: It’s not that I don’t want you to find happiness, Atsushi. I really do. You of all people deserve it.

akutagawa: It’s just…

atsushi: just…?

akutagawa: … nevermind.

atsushi: dont

atsushi: dont do that

atsushi: please

atsushi: or i’ll get the wrong idea

akutagawa: Wrong idea?

atsushi: i might think you’re disappointed… because… you like me or something… hahaha….

akutagawa: Before I answer that, where are you right now?

atsushi: ????

atsushi: the cafe, why?

akutagawa: Great. I’m just in the area actually. I’ll head there right now.

atsushi: wait i dont get it???

akutagawa: It’s simple. You’re right. I do like you. A lot.

atsushi: what….

akutagawa: And before you figure out how you feel, I guess we should make out so that we could win the bet.

atsushi: WHAT

akutagawa: Are you opposed to it, Atsushi?

atsushi: …. not…. really….. 

akutagawa: Perfect.

dazai: goodbye chuuya’s life savings!

ranpo: and atsushi’s too!!

mori: GOD DAMN IT MY $300 

chuuya: IS THIS ALLOWED????? IS THIS REALLY ALLOWED??????

12.34 p.m.

atsushi: so i guess im not single anymore?

yosano: congrats atsushi!

kenji: congratulations!!!

tanizaki: congrats dude!! altho i lost some money bcs of it but im happy u’re happy

tanizaki: congrats atsushi!!!! -naomi

kyouka: its about time

kyouka: congrats atsushi

kunikida: Congratulations, Atsushi.

fukuzawa: Congratulations, Atsushi. Do invite me to the wedding.

atsushi: PRESIDENT FUKUZAWA HDKDHDKDJ

atsushi: but thanks guys!!

ranpo: congratulations atsushi-kun!!!

ranpo: oh and akutagawa too!

dazai: congrats my disciples!!!

dazai: ah i just love it when my otp gets together

dazai: shin soukoku ftw!!!!

chuuya: dazai…

chuuya: hhh but he’s right, i feel the same

chuuya: congratulations guys!!!

gin: congrats ryuu!! and atsushi-san!!! i’m so glad i dont have to see ryuu pine pitifully anymore oh my god

gin: that took 10 years off my life and thats saying a lot considering my occupation

higuchi: congrats senpai and nakajima! 

akutagawa: Why are you congratulating me? I’m not the one he’s dating.

gin: WHAT

higuchi: IMPOSSIBLE?????

tachihara: HOLD UP???? U CONFESSED AND YALL EVEN MADE OUT BUT THE WERETIGER’S DATING SOMEONE ELSE?????

kajii: that cant be. science says so as well.

akutagawa: lol jk yeah we’re dating

hirotsu: I almost had a heart attack.

kouyou: Me too.

yosano: SQUARE UP AKUTAGAWA I CANT BELIEVE U ALMOST MADE LOML SUFFER A HEART ATTACK

hirotsu: Oh my.

yosano: not u

hirotsu: … right.

kouyou: Oh my.

yosano: hehe <3 

kouyou: :) <3

mori: gay

mori: good for them

Chapter Text

6.45 pm

dazai: good responses to being stabbed w a knife?

chuuya: “u missed a spot”

atsushi: “do u want it back?”

kyouka: “that better not leave a scar”

higuchi: “thats fair”

akutagawa: “It appears that I have been impaled.”

gin: none if i stab them first

hirotsu: You’re trained well, Gin. Good job.

gin: :D

tanizaki: ngl i was about to be appalled at how nonchalant yall sound when i remember that being stabbed comes w the job

tachihara : what a mood

yosano: well u guys know where to go when you’re injured right? :)

dazai: … would this be a bad time to admit that uh i actually got stabbed bcs i rlly dont want ur treatment

dazai: no offense u’re the only medical professional i trust but!!

mori: excuse me?

dazai: AS I SAID

dazai: you’re the only medical professional i trust but no thanks <3

mori: wow

mori: wowow i cant believe u betrayed me TWICE

chuuya: DAZAI OSAMU

chuuya: WHAT THE FUCK

chuuya: DROP YOUR LOCATION IM COMING TO PICK UP YOUR STUPID ASS

chuuya: AND NO IM NOT TAKING NO FOR AN ANSWER

dazai: awww is chuuya worried~

chuuya: .

dazai: GDKDH OK OK

dazai: i’ll pm u

chuuya: Good.

atsushi: uh dazai-san if u dont mind me asking

atsushi: how did that actually happen?

dazai: i dont mind at all atsushi-kun!

dazai: finally……….. im the centre of attention!!

dazai: but there isnt really a cool backstory as to why i ended up in this predicament

dazai: just… fyodor really

kunikida: Him again?

kyouka: ugh i cant stand him

kenji: me too!! :D his personality is awful and i hate the way he thinks :D

tachihara: ngl the smiley face creeps me out it feels threatening for some reason

kenji: hehe thank you!

dazai: OK MAKING IT ABOUT ME AGAIN

dazai: so yeah i was just minding my business, roaming the streets of yokohama

kunikida: Not doing your paperwork, I assume?

dazai: u r correct! not doing any paperwork at all!!

dazai: ANNIE WAZE AS I WAS SAYING

dazai: i was peacefully roaming the streets of yokohama when this mf just comes up and,,, ya know,,, stabbity stab stab

yosano: wtf… 

atsushi: tbh i was gonna let the whole “not doing paperwork meaning atsushi has to do it” thing slide but that end part of ur sentence just… isnt it

akutagawa: Dazai-san. With all due respect, maybe if you did your own paperwork you wouldn’t have been stabbed.

gin: RYUU HDKDHDKD

higuchi: OH MY GOD AKUTAGAWA SENPAI

tachihara: holy shit did akutagawa just…. stand up to dazai??????

tachihara: FOR SOMEONE ELSE’S SAKE??????

gin: IM SO PROUD OF U ITS ABOUT TIME 

atsushi: did… akutagawa do that…. for me??????

akutagawa: Don’t flatter yourself, weretiger.

atsushi: wtf why are you back to calling me weretiger again????

kyouka: its bcs he’s panicking i think

gin: u r absolutely correct

gin: thats his default defense mechanism

gin: hurt them before they hurt u

atsushi: ??? we’re literally d*ting tho???

yosano: lol atsushi why’d u censor the word dating

atsushi: … i cant say it

yosano: dating?

atsushi: nOT TOO LOUD

yosano: we r literally texting theres no volume

atsushi: BUT STILL HDKDHDJ

atsushi: its.. kinda hard to believe

kunikida: Hard to believe that you are romantically involved with Akutagawa?

atsushi: HDKSHD DONT JUST SAY THAT

atsushi: but… yeah

akutagawa: What’s so difficult about it, Nakajima?

atsushi: ooh ok nakajima is better than weretiger i suppose hdjd

gin: hes recovering

atsushi: good for him

akutagawa: Don’t deflect.

atsushi: dhksh damn it

atsushi: ok FINEEE

atsushi: to be fair i wasnt even aware i liked u until… well ….. u know……

akutagawa: Until I had my tongue down your throat?

atsushi: GDKDHSKSB SHUT UP

yosano: GET IT ATSUSHI

tanizaki: OH MY GOD I DID NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT

gin: RYUUNOSUKE TOO MUCH INFORMATION 

tachihara: thats absolutely disgusting………. wish that was me

kyouka: yes secure that port mafia salary atsushi 

kouyou: My, my, youngsters these days.

hirotsu: Ah, how fast the youth have grown. It makes me feel older than I really am.

tachihara: nah u’re just old period <3

hirotsu: …

akutagawa: Well?

atsushi: GDKDHS ok yeah until.. that. 

atsushi: and then all of it suddenly made sense??

atsushi: i experienced,,,,, as what people these days call it,,,,,,,,

atsushi: the oh moment

akutagawa: The oh moment?

atsushi: u know… the moment when u’re bestowed with Enlightenment and then you Realise every single thing u’ve failed to realise before and then suddenly everything’s so obvious and u kinda feel like an idiot for not noticing it earlier?

atsushi: yeah that moment

atsushi: i didnt even have to pine next thing i know we’re together

atsushi: not that im against it or anything i could do without the #slowburn #250k #enemiestolovers #lightangst #itgetsworsebeforeitgetsbetter

atsushi: but yeah…. it kinda just happened

atsushi: i need time to process things

atsushi: its not everyday that someone like you actually falls for someone like me….

akutagawa: Someone like me….?

atsushi: hdkshjs  u know……

akutagawa: No, I don’t.

atsushi: you’re really going to make me say it huh

akutagawa: … 

atsushi: gdjd fine

atsushi: u know… strong, smart, powerful, handsome… all that shit

akutagawa: That’s what you think of me?

atsushi: yeah…… or else i wouldnt have let u bdjd u know

akutagawa: Oh.

akutagawa: …. oh.

tachihara: that was disgustingly sweet

tachihara: i want that

tanizaki: ^ 

yosano: hm now that i think of it… the only ppl that got together in this chat went from enemies to lovers…..

yosano: want to venture that trope with me? @Kouyou

kouyou: I would love to. :)

yosano: great!! does friday 7 pm work for you?

kouyou: Even if it didn’t, I’ll make it work for me.

kouyou: Take note. @morithemafiaboss

mori: yeah yeah go and be gay

kouyou: Thank you.

gin: i feel like any ADA x PM couple is literally enemies to lovers

yosano: oof also ada x guild

yosano: wink wink nudge nudge

ranpo: … 

ranpo: OK AND

yosano: hey if atsushi could do it so can u

atsushi: i feel like i should be offended by that….

atsushi: but yeah yosano’s right

atsushi: dazai-san’s in the middle of stage 2 preparations

kunikida: Speaking of that waste of bandages, where is he now?

chuuya: oh dw hes safe

chuuya: i took him home and bandaged his wounds

chuuya: then knocked him tf out for being stupid

chuuya: so thats why hes not in the gc rn

kunikida: Right. Thank you for dealing with him.

chuuya: np… someone’s gotta do it right?

kunikida: Yes. You have my utmost respect for that.

chuuya: as do you. heard that he gave u lots of shit as his work partner.

kunikida: Unfortunately.

chuuya: condolences man

chuuya: if u ever need someone to trashtalk him with just hmu

kunikida: I’ll consider it.

chuuya: great!

kenji: wow dazai-san really brings people together by being the subject of insult. what an amazing guy!!

9.26 am

dazai: ugh my impact!

dazai: also

dazai: i cant believe we’ve never discussed this before but

dazai: what r yall’s hogwarts houses???

dazai: im a slytherin for obvious reason

atsushi: uh ive never really taken the quiz before…. so im not sure

dazai: its ok atsushi everyone here knows u’re a gryffindor

atsushi: :O

dazai: i think shorty pants here is gryffindor too

chuuya: stfu dazai i spent all night tending to ur wounds i dont deserve this slander

akutagawa: I’m a Slytherin.

gin: omg a gryffindor x slytherin couple we love to see it!!

dazai: thanks gin!

gin: not u

dazai: right

gin: neways!! im a ravenclaw

higuchi: gin!! oh my god literally SAME

gin: we’re destined, u and i. theres literally no other explanation.

kenji: what’s a hogwarts house? :O

kajii: !!!! no friend of mine should remain uneducated about this!!

kajii: basically in harry potter (a book series) the students there get divided into 4 houses (ravenclaw, slytherin, gryffindor, hufflepuff) based on their personalities, motivations, aspirations etc

kajii: slytherins are for the ambitious, cunning people, gryffindors are for the courageous (altho sometimes misplaced, ie nakajima atsushi), ravenclaws are, to put it simply, for the intellectuals (ie me) and hufflepuffs are the loyal, patient, hardworking ones

kenji: oh!!!

kenji: so if im understanding things correctly, im…. a hufflepuff?

kajii: yes that’s right!! and im a ravenclaw

kenji: thats amazing!

atsushi: GDKDHDK WHY DID I GET SLANDERED IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS EXPLANATION I-

akutagawa: He’s right, though. Sometimes you’re too stupidly courageous for your own good.

kyouka: hmm based on that explanation i think i’d be in slytherin

kyouka: i’d love to be in the same house as atsushi but i dont think gryffindor’s for me… they’re too straightforward for my liking

kouyou: I’m glad you think so, Kyouka, for I am a Slytherin. Straightforward methods just don’t work out for people like us. We pride in proper organisation and flawless plan execution.

yosano: how sexy of you

yosano: omg we’ll make another slytherin x gryffindor couple!!

yosano: altho some might think im better suited for ravenclaw but i disagree

yosano: im not a knowledge stan like kajii. i’d prefer more action than strategic planning

tanizaki: im more of a stealth guy but im not highly ambitious as the people in slytherin…. 

tanizaki: unless that involves naomi……. i’d literally fight the world if that’s what it takes

tanizaki: so maybe im a hufflepuff….?

tanizaki: naomi would be in hufflepuff too…. or maybe gryffindor hmm

dazai: how slytherin of you

dazai: yeah hufflepuffs are loyal but they’re loyal to people in general? like personal connection or not, they’ll trust u (which isnt a bad thing sometimes)

dazai: slytherins are extremely loyal too but only towards the people they care about (eg close friends, family)

dazai: they quite literally dont care about people who arent close to them (which also isnt a bad thing)

dazai: given the circumstances, u’d betray the ADA for naomi, wouldnt u?

tanizaki: i-

ranpo: hdkd lmao its ok tanizaki wbk and we still accept u for it

tanizaki: oh

tanizaki: bdkdb well if thats the case then yeah lmao

ranpo: well im obviously a ravenclaw theres no surprise about that

ranpo: poe might be a hufflepuff tho

ranpo: huh maybe i’ll join hufflepuff then

ranpo: i’ll get to be roommates with poe

ranpo: that trumps any forbidden love/star-crossed lovers u slytherin x gryffindor lot have going on

yosano: u cant just join hufflepuff

ranpo: the sorting hat cant beat me i’ll just manipulate it into thinking im a hufflepuff

yosano: right…. 

chuuya: u know its these talks that make me realise how …. unique the ADA are

chuuya: no wonder our raids have never been successful despite u guys having like 10% of our manpower

chuuya: yall arent normal

dazai: thank u!!

kunikida: Wait, what Hogwarts House would I be in?

dazai: take the quiz four eyes no one has time to analyse u

kunikida: I’LL BEAT YOUR ASS THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU, DAZAI. JUST YOU WAIT.

ranpo: well that escalated lol

hirotsu: I suppose I’ll be in Slytherin as well.

tachihara: yeah same

gin: tachi dude i think u’re more gryffindor tho

higuchi: or maybe hufflepuff actually?

gin: NO WAIT HES DEFINITELY HUFFLEPUFF

tachihara: WHEHSKSBSK

fukuzawa: There’s no shame in being Hufflepuff. I’m a Hufflepuff as well.

ranpo: PRESIDENT!!! ugh i knew i joined the right house MY MIND

tachihara: i mean i guess….. hdjdhks

higuchi: not to mention slytherin x hufflepuff is actually the most wholesome pairing ever??

gin: YES OMG LITERALLY!!!! 

tachihara: you guys think so?

tachihara: WAIT

tachihara: GDKSHDK WHAT’S DISCUSSED IN THE BLACK LIZARD CHAT STAYS IN THE BLACK LIZARD CHAT 

gin: whoops

higuchi: totally slipped my mind

dazai: OHOHOHO WHATS THIS

chuuya: lmao rip tachihara it was nice knowing you

Chapter Text

3.45 p.m.

ranpo: gays heLP

chuuya: ??

ranpo: poe is so pretty wtf

dazai: lmao f

ranpo: >:((

yosano: just confess to the guy, ranpo

yosano: he wont say no

ranpo: OK BUT WHAT IF HE DOES

chuuya: what if he doesnt

ranpo: 

ranpo: ok thats not fair u cant use my own logic against me

atsushi: with all due respect, ranpo-san. the guy’s head over heels for you. he wont say no

akutagawa: The fact that even Atsushi noticed this says a lot.

atsushi: WHEGDKSHS

atsushi: will u ever stop bullying me?????

akutagawa: no <3

gin: holy shit was that a meme

higuchi: WAS THAT A HEART

atsushi: HDKSHD I CANT STAND YOU

akutagawa: Then sit.

akutagawa: Preferably on me.

atsushi:

atsushi:

atsushi:

atsushi: BYE

chuuya: WELL

dazai: lmao nice one akutagawa

yosano: i

yosano: huh

yosano: ok moving on

kyouka: i cant believe this

kyouka: as the protector of atsushi’s innocence 

kyouka: I OBJECT

atsushi: KYOUKA-CHAN??????

akutagawa: You’re a little bit too late.

atsushi: RYUUNOSUKE

gin: OKAY BACK TO RANPO

ranpo: YES THANK YOU

ranpo: AS I WAS SAYING

ranpo: help poe is so pretty :(((((

ranpo: IM SO GAY

yosano: …

dazai: i think i have a way to help

ranpo: no

dazai: hey!! last time i helped u u got to see him in a see-through white shirt!!! where’s my thanks?????

ranpo: THANKS????? THAT WAS A BLATANT HOMICIDE ATTEMPT!!!! YOU TRIED TO KILL ME WITH THAT GSKSHSKDB

dazai: WOW

dazai: guess i have no choice then

ranpo: WHAT R U PLOTTING GREMLIN

dazai: IF U USED ULTRA DEDUCTION U WOULD KNOW!!

dazai: but it involves poe so do u actually wanna know? ;-)

ranpo: YOU MONSTER

ranpo: YOU KNEW I WOULDNT RISK USING ULTRA DEDUCTION

dazai: YES

dazai: NOW REAP WHAT YOU SOW

dazai osamu added poe to yokohama’s protectors uwu.

dazai: welcome poe!!!

ranpo: HDOWHSLSHSKSGS

poe: ranpo?

ranpo: hiiii 

poe: what am I doing here?

ranpo: yeah care to explain?? @ dazaiosamu

dazai: u sure u want me to explain? ;-)

ranpo: pls dont hold me accountable for when i eventually murder him @FukuzawaYukichi

fukuzawa: Sure.

dazai: FAVOURITISM!!!

poe: …?

ranpo: RIGHT!

ranpo: so uh

ranpo: yeah

ranpo: we… want you here?

poe: but… this is yokohama’s protectors

poe: im from the guild

poe: i tried to destroy yokohama

dazai: yes! and we find it very sexy poe so dont worry

atsushi: we do?

dazai: yes, atsushi. we do. especially ranpo.

poe: … right……

ranpo: WTF NO I DONT????

poe: oh

poe: you dont find me sexy ranpo? :((

ranpo: WAIT NO I DO

ranpo: YOU’RE VERY SEXY

ranpo: 10/10

poe: oh

poe: thanks!!

poe: i find you sexy too :D

yosano: WHEHDKSHS

chuuya: LMAOOOOOOOO

chuuya: he’s such a disaster

dazai: they both are

dazai: a match made in oblivious pining gay heaven

tachihara: holy shit

tachihara: remind me to never get on dazai’s bad side

tanizaki: trust me, not only his bad side. u wouldn’t want to even be in his radar

tachihara: yikes

tanizaki: yeah i know

dazai: interesting…

poe: okay so

poe: why am i actually here

akutagawa: I ask myself that daily.

akutagawa: For what reason was I born?

akutagawa: What is my purpose? My reason for living?

akutagawa: I have yet to find an answer.

poe:

poe: ok

atsushi: y r u so dramatic @Akutagawa

akutagawa: All assassins are dramatic.

gin: ^ can confirm

higuchi: yeah

hirotsu: Accurate.

kouyou: It comes with the job.

kyouka: … actually yeah i agree

fukuzawa: … He’s right.

tanizaki: wow we know a lot of assassins

tachihara: guess thats why we’re thicc

tanizaki: wait why

tachihara: we have double the ass

tachihara: ass ass ins

mori: HELL YEAH ANOTHER ASSASSIN PUN

mori: wait thats better than mine

fukuzawa: A lot of things are better than you, don’t take it to heart.

mori: WHEGSKSHSJSH

mori: WOW

chuuya: that burn….

chuuya: rip mori-san

yosano: omg finally rip

kyouka: rip

mori: w o w

poe: …. should i leave?

ranpo: only if u want to

poe: idk i dont mind staying

poe: i like being in a group chat with you

poe: im just super confused

ranpo: oh

ranpo: i like being in a group chat with you too

dazai: just being in a group chat?

ranpo: hdkdh fuck off

poe: no omg i like him too!

ranpo: WHAT

chuuya: OOP

ranpo: platonically, yeah?

poe: no?

ranpo: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN

poe: it means that i like you

poe: romantically

ranpo: what…

ranpo: … is this a prank

poe: just use ultra deduction

poe: u’ll know

ranpo: … okay……

dazai: wow u called me a monster when i suggested the exact same thing unbelievable

chuuya: LMAOOO deserve 

dazai: chuuya :(( <//3

ranpo: oh

poe: :D

ranpo: oh my god

ranpo: OH MY GOD

ranpo: WHEJWVSKSHS

ranpo: [REST.]

poe: so…. what does this mean?

ranpo: it means that

ranpo: i like you too

ranpo: very much

poe: oh

poe: :D

yosano: FINALLY OH MY GOD

kouyou: You’ve been so strong, love.

yosano: thanks babe :(( <33333

kenji: i cant believe they got together after atsushi and akutagawa

tanizaki: i know right!! -naomi

atsushi: slandered again <//3

kajii: well then i guess that concludes the pining chronicles

gin: yeah sure

higuchi: right

dazai: …

dazai: I SENSE SOMETHING

hirotsu: You don’t.

dazai: u’re hiding something

dazai: ITS OK THO BCS I ALR KNOW WHAT IT IS LMAO

dazai: u have a chance btw @tachihara

tachihara: its not me???

dazai: sounds sus

tachihara: WHEGSJDH

tanizaki: speaking of sus omg lets play among us

gin: ok now THATS sus

higuchi: thinking,,,,,

tanizaki: :)

6.34 pm

kenji: guys! how do i sabotage?

akutagawa:

kyouka:

atsushi:

tachihara:

tanizaki:

kajii: kenji…… pal………

yosano: welp we know who to vote for now

kouyou: One impostor down, two more to go.

atsushi: well ive been w ryuu the whole time and im still alive so i can vouch for him

akutagawa: ^ Likewise.

dazai: i was in electrical

chuuya: sure u were

chuuya: what were u doing there huh?

dazai: chuuya

dazai: r u srsly accusing me?

dazai: the love of your life???

chuuya: answer the question, osamu

dazai: THATS BLATANT MANIPULATION

dazai: fine.

dazai: i was fixing the wires

chuuya: …. u took a long time fixing wires……

dazai: babe

chuuya: dont babe me u impostor

kyouka: ok i’ll call for an emergency meeting

yosano: wait no need i reported a dead body

yosano: saw kajii’s body

yosano: … in electrical

dazai: IT WASNT ME

atsushi: sure

akutagawa: Sure.

kyouka: ok

yosano: mhmm

chuuya: goodbye, osamu.

gin: HOLY SHIT IT WASNT DAZAI?????

higuchi: but we only have one impostor remaining????

higuchi: did the impostor…. kill another impostor?????

higuchi: but why…..

tachihara: we cant trust anyone tf

tanizaki: hey tachihara what were you doing at medbay

tachihara: seriously, tanizaki?

tachihara: i was doing the med samples thing

tanizaki: thats…. convenient

tachihara: what r u implying

tanizaki: im just saying its a convenient alibi

tanizaki: doing med samples takes a long time

tanizaki: so its a good alibi to have when u’re faking tasks

tachihara: ok ive never thought of that

tachihara: but wait

tachihara: how do we know its not you????? huh????

tanizaki: i was with kyouka the whole time

kyouka: yup

gin: well

higuchi: sorry tachi

atsushi: bye tachihara

akutagawa: It had to be done.

yosano: WAIT HES NOT THE IMPOSTOR????

yosano: wait omg chuuya died????

kyouka: how many of us are there?

atsushi: me, ryuu, kyouka, tanizaki, yosano

atsushi: so 4 vs 1

hirotsu: Weren’t Gin and Higuchi playing as well?

gin: nah we’re just streaming

higuchi: providing general commentary

gin: causing chaos

higuchi: HOLY SHIT

atsushi: EMERGENCY MEETING ASAP

atsushi: so its me ryuu and tanizaki

atsushi: and well ryuu’s been with me most of the time

akutagawa: Weren’t you with Kyouka, Tanizaki?

akutagawa: Why is she dead now?

tanizaki: ITS BCS U MURDERED HER??????

akutagawa: Nice try.

atsushi: sorry tanizaki

tanizaki: …

gin: OH MY GOD

higuchi: AKUTAGAWA SENPAI WAS THE IMPOSTOR??????

kajii: WHY DID YOU KILL ME THEN?????

akutagawa: You were about to kill Atsushi. 

akutagawa: Not on my watch.

atsushi: awww ryuu <333

kyouka: u still lost tho

atsushi: o tru

atsushi: RYUU HOW COULD U BETRAY ME I TRUSTED U?????

akutagawa: I had to do it. If I didn’t get rid of all those people, we can’t be together.

atsushi: oh

gin: ITS JUST A GAME?????

akutagawa: Nothing’s a game to me when it comes to Atsushi.

dazai: wow

chuuya: this level of whipped....

kyouka: …. one more round?

dazai: YES I’LL HAVE MY REVENGE

8.45 pm

chuuya: ATSUSHI WAS THE IMPOSTOR??????

yosano: i cant believe atsushi and akutagawa were the last ones standing. again.

kyouka: didnt u see him murder ppl??? @Akutagawa

akutagawa: I did and I accept him for it.

gin: yall shouldve seen that coming

higuchi: mannnnn i cant believe even akutagawa senpai has this side to him

tachihara: i cant believe u accused me AGAIN @tanizakijunichirou

tanizaki: but u really were an impostor this time!!

tachihara: ok true but!!! <///3

tanizaki: in another life we’ll be impostor partners together

tachihara: HAHA ok RIGHT YEAH

gin: a disaster

hirotsu: Oh, Tachihara. What will we do with you?

dazai: ok but are we going to talk about how higuchi only responds to the chat when gin replies?

higuchi: bcs only gin is worth talking to

gin: awww babe

higuchi: babe <3

akutagawa: It’s about time.

gin: hdkdhd im surprised u knew

akutagawa: It’s hard to miss.

dazai: wait what

chuuya: YALL R DATING????

gin: we’ve been dating for awhile now

higuchi: we wanted to know how long itll take for u guys to figure it out

tachihara: ive known all along

gin: thats bcs u’re a black lizard

tachihara: id be a special kind of oblivious if i couldn't see what was going on........

tachihara: the chat,,,,, shivers

hirotsu: Ah, yes.

yosano: i cant believe u didnt tell us!!!

gin: wait didnt we?

kyouka: they did actually

kyouka: in the other chat

chuuya: what chat

kyouka: a women only chat

chuuya: ok valid

dazai: well then

dazai: CONGRATS!!!

gin: thanks!!

higuchi: thank you

akutagawa: Take care of my sister, Higuchi.

higuchi: i will

gin: she takes good care of me ryuu dont u worry

atsushi: OMG GIN!! HIGUCHI!! CONGRATS IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU AAAAAA

gin: thanks!!

higuchi: hes so bright

kenji: he sure is

tanizaki: sunshine reincarnate

dazai: akutagawa in the distance: [in love noises.]

akutagawa: I will neither deny nor confirm.

gin: that’s practically a yes

akutagawa: You’re trying to divert the attention to me, aren’t you Gin?

gin: and what about it

akutagawa: There’s no use.

akutagawa: I’m making it about you again.

gin: aite bet

gin: @atsushiii

atsushi: :O sup gin?

gin: how do u feel about ryuu?

atsushi: WHEJDSF why are u suddenly asking me this

atsushi: everyone here knows how i feel about him

akutagawa: lmao gin u tried

gin: lmao uno reverse bcs i actually got u to stop your proper punctuation facade

gin: u’re panicking so bad it SHOWS

akutagawa: 

akutagawa: bye

gin: i love being right

higuchi: i think i just fell in love all over again

Chapter Text

4.44 am

tanizaki: help

tanizaki: ive fallen into the gacha game abyss and i cant get out

tachihara: wait.

tachihara: dont tell me

tachihara: u play genshin impact???????

tanizaki: i-

tanizaki: ok and if i do?

tachihara: wtf

tachihara: ADD ME????

tanizaki: WAIT

tanizaki: U PLAY TOO??? OMGGGGG I’LL PM U

chuuya: finally omg tachihara wouldnt shut up about this game

gin: its a good game

tachihara: well maybe if yall played i would shut up BUT YALL DONT

tanizaki: i cant believe the port mafia is this uncultured

dazai: wbk thats why i left

mori: that was a personal attack

dazai: yes fuck u mori

fukuzawa: I think you deserve a raise, Dazai.

dazai: FUCK YES A WIN FOR ME

mori: wow

yosano: its what u deserve lmao

kouyou: Facts.

mori: i-

mori: … ok valid

dazai: now that we’ve established that mori is in fact, a piece of shit, lets move on to more pressing matters

dazai: can we just talk about chuuya

atsushi: now we’re talking!!

akutagawa: … what....

gin: WHEJDHFSK

atsushi: chuuya-san is just so!! cool!!!

tanizaki: omg are we bringing back the chuuya cult

kenji: i heard chuuya cult!!

chuuya: i-

chuuya: wtf r u up to this time u shitty mackerel

dazai: after all this time im still shitty mackerel to u???

dazai: how romantic <333

chuuya: u know what im going back to sleep its way too early for this

akutagawa: I agree.

gin: lmao u’re just jealous atsushi’s fawning over someone else

akutagawa: No.

atsushi: omg chill ryuu u’re still my favourite

akutagawa: i-

hirotsu: Ah, young love.

poe: omg pls add me too!! @tanizakijunichirou @tachihara

tachihara: OMG YES MORE CO-OP FRIENDS LETS GO OCEANID IT’S OVER FOR U HOE

tanizaki: BIG MOOD OMG ITS THE GEO HYPOSTASIS FOR ME

poe: geo? oomf are you using ningguang as main?

tanizaki: and what about it?

poe: thats so lit ive never seen anyone else main ningguang

tanizaki: oomf… <3

yosano: the way i understood literally nothing

kyouka: tachihara uses lisa as his main

tanizaki: oomf….

tachihara: WHATS WRONG WITH LISA

poe: oomf………..

yosano: yup i still understand absolutely nothing

higuchi: make a separate group chat nerds @poe @tachihara @tanizakijunichirou

tanizaki: omg rude much >:((

higuchi: … im not bringing u ur pumpkin spice latte

tanizaki: wait no come back im sorry

dazai: pumpkin spice latte???? IN NOVEMBER????

tanizaki: and??

dazai: … ok valid

hirotsu: That wasn’t even an argument.

kunikida: When dealing with Dazai, it’s wise not to question it.

kunikida: Attacking is the only feasible option.

dazai: WHEDJHFS I HAVENT EVEN DONE ANYTHING??

kunikida: Yet.

dazai: … ok thats also valid

10.34 am

atsushi: speaking of not doing anything…

atsushi: dazai-san, your paperwork (that u put on my desk!!) is on your desk now

atsushi: pls stop dumping all of it on me

atsushi: im not paid enough for this shit

gin: omg atsushi said shit

gin: he mustve been really tired of ur bullshit @dazaiosamu

akutagawa: Are you being underpaid? @atsushiii

akutagawa: If so, you can take it up with your trade union.

akutagawa: I expected better from the Agency.

dazai: WHEDJHFS

atsushi: i refuse to comment on the matter, considering that my actual boss is in this group chat

atsushi: but its enough to pay the bills so its all g :)

atsushi: pls dont fire me @FukuzawaYukichi

fukuzawa: Noted.

akutagawa: You know, Atsushi. If you moved in with me, you wouldn’t have to pay rent anymore.

atsushi: i-

atsushi: what

gin: booooo that’s so not romantic

gin: do better brother

akutagawa: ?

akutagawa: It’s just practical.

akutagawa: We can split the groceries too.

dazai: ah to be oblivious

gin: is atsushi still breathing

atsushi: barely

akutagawa: What did I do?

higuchi: nothing, senpai :)

dazai: WHEJHDSHJHK GO GIRL GIVE US NOTHING!

chuuya: omg stop bullying him

chuuya: i’ll pm u @Akutagawa

akutagawa: Right…

1.16 am

atsushi: not to cause unnecessary panic or anything but

atsushi: why is fyodor hanging outside the dorms?

dazai: oh?

chuuya: wtf what’s he doing

atsushi: hes just standing there…… 

kyouka: menacingly

atsushi: yeah

ranpo: should we do anything? ngl im kinda bored i wanna stir shit up @FukuzawaYukichi

yosano: hes probably asleep at this time

mori: boo what a grandpa

yosano: one day we're going to have to talk about your obvious pining and how you're going about it the wrong way but today is not that day

mori:

chuuya: WHEJKSDFH FUCK THAT WAS SO ICONIC

poe: wait... how are you guys so calm about this?

ranpo: well its not really a rare occasion? he does this sometimes

dazai: yeah i think its bcs he wants friends but he doesnt know how to make them without stabbing someone

chuuya: wait…. this is the same dude that stabbed u, yeah? @dazaiosamu

dazai: yeah why lol

chuuya: brb im about to beat the fear of god into him

dazai: WHEJDSHF

yosano: knowing him, he’d probably think u were trying to be friends with him tho @nakaharachuuya

chuuya: wtf… 

chuuya: then how do i make it clear that i want him dead without actually murdering him?

yosano: u can always send him to me :)

chuuya: …. right no thanks

yosano: :((

kouyou: I’ll send some people to you, babe.

yosano: i love you

kouyou: I love you too. <3

tachihara: wtf

tachihara: i want what they have

atsushi: thats sweet and all but… fyodor is still just standing there

akutagawa: Say no more.

atsushi: pls dont impale him

akutagawa: But he’s making you uncomfortable.

atsushi: it doesnt mean i want him dead, ryuu

akutagawa: Right…

kyouka: i cant believe im saying this but

kyouka: akutagawa, you’re right for once

kyouka: atsushi protection squad roll out

chuuya: WHEDJKFH LETS GOOOOOO

atsushi: hhhh

atsushi: pls keep the blood to a minimum

kunikida: No promises, kid.

Chapter Text

3.29 a.m.

tachihara: so

tachihara: was i supposed to find out that gin has a creepy stalker by running into him when im on my grocery run or?

gin: oh him

gin: nah he’s harmless

gin: he moved on when i rejected him and now we’re friends!

kunikida: It’s Katai, isn’t it?

tachihara: i was today years old when i found out that “friends” camp out in front of said friend’s house

higuchi: oh yeah

higuchi: its bcs he’s too shy to talk to girls so the only way he can do that is from a safe distance

higuchi: u must’ve ran into him when he was waiting for gin’s reply

higuchi: she usually posts it on her window

akutagawa: I see.

akutagawa: So that’s why he called me brother-in-law.

atsushi: aww katai <333

atsushi: thats so cute of him

atsushi: u guys have such a cute friendship omg

gin: thanks brother-in-law!

atsushi: WEHJFKSH PLSSSS

gin: oh come onnnn u guys live together, do everything together, act domestic as shit..

gin: u guys r practically married

akutagawa: Let’s move on.

dazai: awwww akutagawa-kun~

chuuya: shut up dazai don’t antagonise him

dazai: i havent even said anything!

dazai: i cant believe u care more about akutagawa than me </////3

dazai: pain

dazai: betrayal

chuuya: as akutagawa said before, let’s move on

dazai: wow

tachihara: right….

tachihara: so uh i’ll just leave katai alone then….

gin: yup!

tachihara: okay……

tanizaki: wtf why are u doing grocery runs at 3 am??

tanizaki: are supermarkets even open?

tachihara: well normal ones arent

tanizaki: ….. oh

tachihara: yeah

tanizaki: damn yall live in so much luxury this is unfair

tachihara: u can always join us ;)

tanizaki: i-

kyouka: just get a pm!boyfriend and it’ll be fine

kyouka: case in point, nakajima atsushi

atsushi: … true

akutagawa: You only love me for my money.

atsushi: ryuu…

atsushi: how did u know??

akutagawa: I could tell by the way you looked at me when I offered to treat you to that meal.

atsushi: ok in my defense, that restaurant had a michelin star 

atsushi: thats bougee af <//3

higuchi: hold up did akutagawa senpai just….

tachihara: holy shit he actually told a joke

gin: true love i tell u

hirotsu: Is it just me or is Chuuya actually tearing up?

chuuya: you have no proof

dazai: omg he is

chuuya: wtf how would you know you arent even here

dazai: :)

chuuya: … whats that supposed to mean

dazai: :))

chuuya: … oomf……

8.30 a.m.

kyouka: @dazaiosamu someone’s here to see u

dazai: tell him im dead

kyouka: … ok

kyouka: he says he knows u’re still alive so “stop playing games, dazai”

tanizaki: oh? Dazai actually refusing to meet someone? that’s a first

chuuya: huh… mustve been him then

yosano: omg tea

kunikida: Dazai, to refuse to see a client is unethical and goes against our company policy. Please get your ass back here and go see the damn guy.

tachihara: how does one sound so formal when cursing damn

dazai: its a talent

dazai: anyway

dazai: <3

ranpo: hm i see i see

ranpo: understandable

poe: ???

ranpo: i figured out who it was and why dazai refuses to see him

dazai: i mean i knew this would happen BUT SOME PRIVACY PLS???

kouyou: Oh? What do we have here?

mori: ohohoho

dazai: shut up fukuzawa simp

mori: i

kyouka: LMAOOOO

yosano: nice!!

fukuzawa: …

fukuzawa: You should go and see Ango-san, Dazai. :)

dazai: ohhhh shit someone’s in trouble

chuuya: …

dazai: right..

dazai: idk why i said that im the one in trouble whkjdf

dazai: ugh okay FINEEE

dazai: only if i get to kill him

fukuzawa: No.

dazai: .. beat him up?

fukuzawa: No.

dazai: UGH you’re really tying my hands here but FINE!!

atsushi: your former port mafia ways jumped OUT 

tachihara: wait what

atsushi: what?

tachihara: former port mafia ways….?

atsushi: yeah….?

tanizaki: oomf dont tell me u dont know? whjwhfjks 

tachihara: no….?

higuchi: lmao tough

gin: fr how could u not know?

tachihara: what….

hirotsu: Dazai is a former Port Mafia executive.

tachihara: oh………

tachihara: WHAT

tachihara: does everyone else know????

akutagawa: Yes.

kyouka: yes

yosano: yes

higuchi: pretty much

poe: WHAT

ranpo: yeah

tanizaki: mhmm

tachihara: wow…. . wowowowow….

6.30 p.m.

dazai: i hate the government

chuuya: just say its ango and go 

chuuya: everyone here knows u dont actually care about government incompetence

dazai: its true what they say

dazai: betrayal hurts because it always comes from the people you’re closest to <//3

chuuya: …

chuuya: ugh i’ll be over in 15 u big baby

dazai: :D

9.32 p.m.

tachihara: … im not even going to question that

tachihara: anyway

tachihara: anyone down for some karaoke?

tachihara: gin, higuchi and i are hitting the one near the pier

mori: oooh~

dazai: not u :|

dazai: anyway

dazai: sure thing! i’ll be sure to drag chibi-chan along~

atsushi: oh!!! I’ve never been to karaoke before!!! 

tanizaki: wait what????

atsushi: orphanage, remember? :D

tanizaki: oh yeah….

tanizaki: anyway! we can’t have that!! 

tanizaki: no friend of mine should remain a karaoke virgin!! so you’re going to go!! @ atsushiii

atsushi: whejkf okay!

akutagawa: I suppose I can make the time.

tachihara: lmao thats a first

gin: he’s not even trying to be subtle lmao

yosano: will there be wine

chuuya: PAUSE

chuuya: A FELLOW WINE CONNOISSEUR????

yosano: OMG

yosano: YES?????

chuuya: OMG LETS GOOOOO

yosano: LETS GOOOOOOOO

kouyou: Ah, it’s always nice to see two of the people I treasure get along well with each other. :)

tachihara: i mean… i guess u can bring ur own?

chuuya: NOW WE’RE TALKING

poe: sorry guys im going to have to opt out :((

poe: my social battery wont last lol

ranpo: it’s alright poe it’s boring anyway

ranpo: we can do more fun things together ;)

poe: OMG!

poe: like write a new mystery novel together?????

ranpo: 

ranpo: yeah

dazai: lmao f

yosano: f

gin: f

higuchi: f

atsushi: wait why

tachihara: whos gonna tell him

akutagawa: No one tell him.

dazai: oomf out here acting like he hasnt done worse

yosano: LMAOOOOO

higuchi: i did NOT need to read that

gin: wtf…..

chuuya: dazai….

kunikida: …. You clearly can’t be left alone without adult supervision. I’m coming along to make sure you don’t cause the Agency further embarrassment.

kenji: oooh! karaoke!! i usually meet the Neighbourhood Youth Association members there :D

kajii: … so a gang?

kenji: i guess!

yosano: right

kyouka: alright fine i’ll come stop showing me those puppy eyes @ atsushiii

atsushi: yes!! a win!!!

11.30 p.m.

yosano: why am i not surprised akutagawa listens to mcr

gin: PLEASEEEE OMG 

gin: he wouldn’t stop singing welcome to the black parade back when we were in the slums

atsushi: OMG RYUU CAN SING??

gin: yeah lmao

gin: why dont u ask him to :)

akutagawa: No.

atsushi: aww but :(((

akutagawa: … don’t.

atsushi: pleaseeeee

kyouka: omg atsushi use ur puppy eyes move

higuchi: …. the way he crumbled instantly….

higuchi: u planned this didnt u @ gin

gin: :)

chuuya: wait he isnt that bad

chuuya: hes actually kinda good???

dazai: PLEASEE WHY IS HE SINGING I DONT LOVE YOU BYEEEEE

gin: oml hes so dramatic

yosano: atsushi ur whipped is showing

atsushi: i think i just fell in love all over again

chuuya: DID OOMF JUST SAY THE L WORD????

dazai: atsushi omg

atsushi: FUCK

dazai: ATSUSHI OMG

gin: OMG LETS GOOOOO

higuchi: ITS A WIN FOR THE GAYS!!

yosano: i cant wait for akutagawa to finish singing his song omg

tachihara: SOMEONE GET HIS REACTION ON TAPE!!!

tanizaki: oomf about to be caught in 4k