Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Being the manager of a Hooters is serious business. And no one else was as serious about his job as Yoshikage Kira. As he smoothed back his hair with some brand of hair gel for Straight Men™, he was already mentally preparing himself for what he was about to encounter at work that day.

The noisy sports fans yelling at the television, the middle-aged to elderly white women who were going to ask to talk him about an expired coupon, the kids that are there for some unknown fucking reason, none of this could compare to dealing with his employees.

Oh boy, where to start with his employees? As he was about to get lost in this train of thought, he realized that he already made his commute to work and was at the employee entrance. As soon as he walked in and hung his coat up, he was bombarded with the sound of:

“YOU MOTHERFUCKER, YOU STOLE MY EYEBROW PENCIL,” an incredibly tall, muscular, purple-haired man yelled at a somewhat smaller, yet equally as muscular blonde.

“That cheap piece of crap?! Why would I steal it! It looks like you bought it at the DOLLAR STORE,” the blonde shouted back.

Ah, Kars and Dio. Not even 11 am, and they were already at each other's throats. Of course, it was also a surprise to Kira that Dio was even THERE before 11 am. Usually, he showed up to the front door during the first rush of customers carrying a Starbucks drink with barely any caffeine and an ungodly amount of whipped cream, winking at some customer just waiting for their seat.

He decided to just tune the two out and hope that this fight gets resolved before 11 with minimal property damage. He finally made it to his office and set his things down. At least the bickering was so far the only thing that he may have to deal with this morning. At this rate, he could even get a little bit of paperwork done before customers start coming in!

Then an iguana scurried into his office, followed by its owner, a shorter, scrawnier version of the man currently yelling about contour or whatever at the front of the house. Kira jumped at the sudden intrusion before sighing and holding the bridge of his nose.

“Diego, what have I said about keeping that thing on a leash?” he looked up and glared at him.

“Ah, sorry mate, Scary Monsters escaped from the back while my back was turned,” Diego said in an impossibly thick Cockney accent as he scooped the runaway iguana up.

Kira, having almost no clue what the fuck Diego just said, blinked at him.

“Whatever. Just keep him out of my office. Also, can you go out there and calm your brother down before he kills Kars? He’s on sweeping duty tonight and I know the rest of you don’t want to do it.”

“Aight bruv, fine,” He said as he carried Scary Monsters out of the office and over to where Kars and Dio were. Witnessing them about to begin pulling at each other’s hair like last Saturday’s women’s WWE match. Kira hated that he knew what that looked like, but since Hooters is apparently first and foremost a sports bar, he has to.

Diego let out a sharp sigh as he went up to Dio, stood on his tiptoes, and tapped his shoulder lightly.

“What, Diego?” Dio groaned, turning around to face him. Kars didn’t take that lightly, flipping him off from behind.

“Bossman said to quit it before you’re all fired!” Diego grinned slyly in response, petting Scary Monster gently.

“I doubt he said that last part, but…” He looked at Kars and huffed. “Whatever, fine.”

Kars smirked lightly and walked past Dio, he leaned down to whisper in Diego’s ear, “You’re lucky you saved him before it was too late, lizard.”

“Mhm.” He responded, with an annoyed tone, using a hand to shoo Kars away.

“Diego, we start our shift soon,” Dio looked down at his younger brother, who nodded in response.

“Yeah, yeah. We should probably get changed.” He sat Scary Monster down on the counter and went into the backroom to change into his hot ass hooters uniform.

About an hour later it was 11 o’clock sharp, Jofoes Hooters was officially open for business. The customers were quite consistent, seeing a new face was rare. Of course, not everyone that enters the establishment is here for some chicken tenders

“I will rid this place of its sins, this is not the way God wants his creations to act!” A dark-skinned male yelled from the front of the restaurant, holding up a large, brass cross.

“Goddammit Pucci, just leave. No one is forcing you to come here.” Kars grimaced, walking towards him.

A few shouts could be heard, along with the opening and closing of a door. This was normal though, a simple, daily occurrence. Pucci has gone out of his way to show up every other day to complain about the ‘unholy’ uniforms. No matter how many times Kars has told him that speaking to the manager won’t do anything at all, he still insists on talking to him. When will he ever learn?

“Bossu, bossu! I’m so sorry I’m late!” A twinkish pink-haired boy ran in, already dressed in uniform. “I had to study for a test last night and I passed out! So I lost track of time and-” Well, the rambling went on for a while until Kira shushed him.

“Please just clock in and get to work, Doppio.” He sighed,

“Y-yessir, right away, sir!” Doppio scrambled to clock in and began to wait on tables.

“And Doppio?”

“Yes, boss?”

“You don’t need to roll up your shorts, they’re short enough.” Kira shook his head and walked back to his office.

Oh, Doppio knew that. But, he had something very important in the folds of his shorts. He patted them down lightly and went into the back of the restaurant.

“Toorurururuurru! TOrruruu!!!” He called out into the giant trash bins. A few rustles later, a head popped out the garbage.

“Doppio, my dear, sweet, Doppio.” The man with hundreds of lice in his hair cooed. “Did you retrieve what I require, dear Doppio?”

“For the umpteenth time, Diavolo, stop calling me your ‘dear, sweet, Doppio’ it’s weird. I’m your little brother, not your kid.” He rolled his eyes as he unfolded his shorts. There was a ball of crumpled tin foil neatly placed inside. Diavolo gave Doppio a satisfied look as it was handed to him.

“You never let me down, my boy.” He unwrapped it and ate the chicken wings inside. Yep. Chicken wings. “I still can’t believe he fired me. I was his best employee!”

“Ehhh, that’s debatable, besides, you came in late every day. He caught you selling coke back here. I honestly see why he fired you.”

“Sometimes you could just let me have my moment, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. Okay. I’m going back to work so I don’t get fired like a certain someone.” Doppio dusted off his hands. “Gotta pay for school somehow.”

Diavolo watched as he walked back into the restaurant, sinking back into the garbage, looking like a $5.25 budget version of Oscar the Grouch, with most of the budget going to paying the lice in his hair.

“Doppio! You’re finally back, what the hell!” Diego grunted as he waited on some random table. “It isn’t fair for me to have to wait your tables and mine too!”

“Sorry ‘bout that! There was a rat!” Doppio chose a bad excuse, a few guests audibly gasped and one family walked out the door.

“I-” Diego sighed heavily, his iguana perched upon his shoulder. “Just… please, do your job before you end up like your older brother.”

“I’m gonna start taking a shot every time someone here says that to me.”

“Then you’re really gonna lose your job!”

The two laughed at the joke and waited on their tables. Now, a new question rises to the surface. Where in the world is Dio Brando? Well, in short, he isn’t doing his job. But that was rather obvious, wasn’t it?

“Dio, we don’t have the time for this. You know the customers want Diego and you, the full ‘Brando package’.” Kira sighed, trying to shoo Dio away.

“I know, I know, but wouldn’t you like this Brando package?” Dio slurred, leaning his upper half on Kira’s desk.

Kira was not amused, but this wasn’t new. Dio would often try to flirt around with him and say things you wouldn’t normally say to your boss. It wasn’t necessarily annoying per se. One could actually say that he sort of enjoyed Dio’s efforts. But no, he could never truly have feelings for a male. Hell, he didn’t even want to hire all these men in the first place, but literally no one else was applying. We’re getting off track. Kira could never like Dio back. But if that’s the case, how could he feel a small blush creep on his face?

“Kira…” He grinned slyly. “Or should I say… boss?”

As soon as Dio said that, Kars walked into the office. He blinked at Dio, then at Kira, going back and forth a few times.

“Okay, okay. I see what’s happening here. Get that bank, sis. I’m out.” He turned on his heels and walked out of the office.

Kira sighed, placing a hand on his head. “Dio, please.”

“Yeah, I know. Don’t think I’ll give up though!” He winked and left the office. His coworkers were all staring at him in silence. “Goddamn you, Kars…”

“Wowww, didn’t think you were that desperate…” Diego whispered to him.

“Fuck off, we didn’t do anything.”

“Seducing bossu for a raise…” Doppio tapped his chin. “That’s smart, wish I came up with that idea.”

“I’m not seducing him for a raise, Doppio!”

“Hm, sure looked that way when you were hunched over his desk!” Kars grinned at Dio, earning him a face full of middle finger.

“Uhm, anyways. Closing time!” Doppio clasped his hands. “Great work today, see you all tomorrow!” He skipped out of the restaurant.

“Yep, see ya.” Kars waved, leaving.

“I’ll see ya tomorrow, Dio!” Diego put Scary Monster on his head and left.

That left just him and Kira. He wanted to say something, maybe apologize. Dio stared at the office door for a bit before turning around and leaving. Not today. And with that, a normal day at Jofoes Hooters has ended, what comes tomorrow is unknown. But, it will probably be a bizarre day.

Chapter Text

Kira woke up early that morning, grabbing his suit and tie. He walked leisurely to the kitchen to fix himself some coffee. He doesn’t usually drink coffee, he considers it ‘poison’. But he was up late at night thinking about Dio. Mainly about why he was thinking of Dio, which of course, only made him think about the man more.

The drive to work was always the same, moderate traffic. It was about a 30 minute drive. Which is perfect for Kira, just the right amount of time for him to clear his head for the bullshit he’d have to go through at work. He walked through the door of the establishment, making the little bell on the door chime. He expected there to be absolute chaos, since that was the usual. But, he was mistaken.

All the Jofoe Hooter’s employees were gathered in the dining room of the eating establishment. Dio brought in a surprise, of course, not all surprises were beneficial.

“Sure, Diego brings his lizard, but this is just…” Kars blinked. “This is too much.”

“Listen...” Dio sighed. “His babysitter cancelled and I have no one to watch him.”

“I didn’t even know you had a kid… But then again, you couldn’t keep your dick in your pants, even if your life depended on it.” Doppio snickered.

“Just because you’re right doesn’t mean you get to say it. Anyways, this is Giorno.” He held up the small child. For some reason, they were all acting as if they’ve never seen a child before.

“So tiny, so cute!” Diego pinched little Gio’s soft, round cheeks, earning a small squeal in response.

“Where do you plan to keep this kid, Dio?” Kira spoke up, causing all eyes to move on him.

“Well, I was thinkinggg he could chill in your office! Since you don’t leave that often and all…” Dio flashed a smile that was practically begging him to say yes to.

Kira stared at Dio with a stern expression, moving his eyes to Giorno. “...Fine. But if something happens, it isn’t my fault,” he huffed and walked back to his office.

“Whew, you really have bossu around your finger, Dio!” Doppio awed.

Diego rolled his eyes and huffed. “It happens when you’re attractive m8.”

“You say that as if we aren’t all attractive.” Kars replied in the exact same tone as that Victoria Justice video with a grimace, looking down at the smaller man.

“I don’t have him around my finger, idiot. He’s just not an absolutely shitty person.”

Of course, the others could easily disagree. Kira wasn’t the nicest guy, or really nice at all. He was actually quite mean. Doppio and Kars exchanged a few glances.

“Dio… You’ve completely lost it.” Kars spoke behind stifled laughter.

Doppio chose to butt in. “Right. You just said Kira, the Kira isn’t an absolutely shitty person….”

“And he isn’t!” Dio retorted, setting Giorno down, “Sure he’s mean, and doesn’t pay any of us enough, and he may also be extremely neurotic. And he may have zero idea how to talk to people without being condescending, but honestly he’s not a shitty guy!”

Everyone else silently blinked at him.

“Whatever. Giorno’s funeral,” Kars turned back to the table that he was wiping down. Kars doesn’t hate kids or anything, he has two of his own. But, Dio’s thought process to leave his very young child with a man who doesn’t even know how to talk to adults, let alone small children, and who Kars is 85% sure has committed murder at some point in his life is… Dubious at best.

Dio turned around to pick Giorno up and take him to Kira’s office, but, much like other toddlers, Giorno had already wandered off.

“Oh shit…. Uh, guys? Did any of you see where Giorno wandered off to?” Dio turned to the others, the embodiment of the emoji of those two fingers touching each other that every bottom on Twitter uses.

“You lost him already?!” Kars snapped his neck back to glare at Dio.

“Dio, are you fucking serious,” Diego just stared at his brother. Doppio was already looking under tables for him. He found Scary Monster chewing on a piece of gum that was previously stuck under the table instead.

“Can you two stop judging my parenting for one second and just help me look for him?!” Dio snapped as he started checking under every table. Instead of his son, he found a chicken bone that someone (Diego) forgot to sweep up the previous day, a lone crayon, and Doppio and Scary Monster just Vibing, eating table gum.

Diego was checking the bathrooms, also using this as an opportunity to draw a crude doodle of male genitalia, although his lack of artistic skills made it look more like a baseball bat at first glance.

Kars decided to just completely ignore this whole thing. He just does not see it. Afterall, if he keeps cleaning while the others are distracted, he wouldn’t get fired.

But what the others didn’t know was that Giorno didn’t wander too far. In fact, he went to the place that his himbo father was going to take him to anyway.

Giorno sat in Kira’s office and did that thing that creepy small children do where they just stare into a person’s soul, as if they are the Egyptian god Maat about to compare the weight of your heart to a feather.

But of course, Giorno wasn’t doing that. In fact, he was instead wondering who the hell this strange adult man who was paying attention to a computer instead of him was.

Giorno picked up his stuffed ladybug and toddled over to Kira. He stood on his tiptoes and placed the toy on the desk, before resuming his one sided staring contest with the manager.

This sudden intrusion on his workspace got his attention, and he turned away from his… spreadsheet or something (look I don’t know what adults with jobs do), and looked at the small child who brought him this offering.

“Dio’s kid. What do you want?” he inquired with the opposite tone you would use when talking to a kid.

Giorno continued staring at him for a moment before he pointed at the ladybug toy. Kira looked back and forth between the ladybug and Giorno, before hesitantly taking the stuffie and gently tossing it to the other side of the room.

“Fetch?” he said before turning back to his work. Giorno stared at him for another moment before toddling over to the toy, picking it up, and bringing it back over and setting it on the desk.

Welp, that didn’t work. He noticed that Giorno’s attention seemed to turn away from him and to his computer screen.

“Ah, I see. You want to help me with my work?” he asked, to which Giorno nodded.

Kira went back to typing on his computer, while Giorno stood on his tiptoes and watched him. Finally, Kira came to the realization that this probably wasn’t that comfortable for the kid, so he scooched a chair over and sat Giorno down in it.

The toddler almost immediately grabbed a notepad and pen that was laying on the desk and started scribbling on it, his tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth in concentration. Kira thought that it was actually kind of cute.

Giorno actually wasn’t that bad of a kid. He didn’t make much noise, in fact he hasn’t said a single word to Kira since he got there, which was a huge relief. He was the total opposite of some of the kids that were brought to the restaurant. The loud brats that would spill pop on the table and food on the floor.

Eventually, Giorno tapped on Kira’s arm to get his attention. He looked at the toddler, who turned the notebook around to show him the drawing he worked hard on. It was… probably a ladybug, judging from the spots. What was it on, a flower? The sun? But there was also a sun in the corner, unless it was a moon. Or a ball. Actually, now Kira wasn’t totally sure that it was a ladybug.

After a minute of Kira squinting at the toddler’s doodle, he spoke. “So… you like ladybugs, huh?” he looked at the drawing, the stuffed ladybug sitting on the desk, the ladybug print on the child’s outfit, and the little ladybug clips in his blonde curls.

“Mhm,” Giorno nodded at him. Ah, so the child does speak.

Well, might as well use this as an opportunity to ask about the child’s father. He’s not asking because he’s interested in him or anything, it’s only for uh… Employee research! What good boss doesn’t pry into their employees’ personal lives?! Kira mentally patted himself on the back over how good and caring of a boss he is.

“So… Dio’s your father, huh? I didn’t even know he had kids. How old are you?”

“Two,” Giorno replied, holding up three fingers.

Ah, that’s the same amount of time that Dio worked there. Perhaps if he looked at the records of vacation days Dio took a couple years ago, he could probably figure out when Giorno was…

Okay, that’s too far. He doesn’t care that much about Dio! He makes a mental note to check later, just as scientific curiosity.

“Ah, is Dio a good father?” he smiled, but it wasn’t a nice smile, because Kira is incapable of smiling nicely.

“Yeah. He read to me and give me Froop Loops,” Giorno placed his hands in his lap and swung his small legs back and forth.

A bit of silence followed, punctuated only by the sounds of Giorno’s feet occasionally kicking the chair. Suddenly the feet stopped and the young boy looked at Kira.

“I’m hungry,” he said bluntly. Shit, that’s right. He technically has to take care of this kid. He thought about what he could give him to eat, completely forgetting for a moment that he is the manager of a restaurant.

“Alright,” Kira sighed. He could probably snag a couple extra chicken wings from the kitchen. Do two year olds eat chicken wings? He’ll stay on the safe side and get him some chicken strips.

Kira got up from his seat and opened the door, greeted by a sweaty, somehow paler Dio.

“Kira! Have you happened to see-”

“Giorno? He’s right over there,” he pointed behind himself to the child, who waved.

Dio quit holding his breath and sighed in relief, the air leaving his chest making his tiddies only slightly smaller. Not that Kira was looking or anything. He just happened to be at tiddy height.

“And by the way, you didn’t forget that you’re coming to my house tonight, did you?” Kira asked.

Dio had to do his best to keep his eyes from popping out of his skull. Did it work? Did his months of flirting finally wear him down?

Kira sighed and rubbed his temples. “You forgot, didn’t you. The monthly employee meeting is at my house tonight. Don’t be late,” he walked off to get Giorno his chicken strips, leaving Dio to feel like a fool in the doorway of Kira’s office.

“Wow, that was honestly pathetic even for you,” he turned and saw Kars standing there with his arms crossed and a smirk plastered on his face.

“Tch, shut up. Shouldn’t you be working, Mr. Future Employee of the Month?” Dio mocked.

“I was thirsty and was going to go get a drink in the back. You seem pretty thirsty too,” he said before sashaying away, just like on RuPaul. But Kars would never be on RuPaul because he believes in trans rights.

At this point, you may be thinking to yourself, “Gee, why is it that we as a society believe that once you reach adulthood you need to have all of your shit figured out? For example, the coronavirus pandemic has shown that a lot of the adults in charge have zero idea what they’re doing and are most likely just leading us off a cliff like a bunch of blind lemmings, and there’s really nothing we can do about it because politics is always in favor of whoever has the money, which the people who have the money, the minority, would not have the same interests as the majority who don’t have the money and oh god does this mean that politics are just one giant circus show that at the end of the day won’t favor the working class? Oh god oh fuck that’s pretty messed up. Also, what’s up with the tension between Dio and Kars?”

Well, that answer is easy. Dio and Kars began working at Hooters around the same time, with Kars showing up first. They were both extremely popular servers, and drew fairly good tips. It was one of these tips that set this feud off.

Another employee who no longer works there and who may or may not have been Diavolo left for his break in the middle of a lunch rush, meaning that Kars had to take over his tables. Because of this, Kars ended up accidentally neglecting one table, which Dio took over.

It’s unknown whether this was done as a gesture of kindness to his fellow server or not, but Kars saw it as an act of sabotage when he saw the huge tip that was left behind for the blonde. The two got into an argument about it during closing time, and they have been fighting ever since.

The rest of the day was fairly uneventful. The last customers left and everyone cleaned up. Well, almost everyone. Dio was too busy holding a sleeping Giorno to be able to do anything useful, much to the annoyance of literally everyone else there.

Soon enough, it was time to close up and for everyone to make their way to Kira’s house for the monthly employee meeting.

Little did these amazing employees know that in the future there was a special guest coming to their humble little chain restaurant. A guest that would more than likely not appreciate the shenanigans of the staff team. It would be very, very inconvenient if that certain someone were to run into a loose toddler, a lizard, fighting waitstaff, or really anything about this restaurant.

Chapter Text

To put it simply, Kira’s house was… about as interesting as he was. So not at all, actually. All of the furnishings were normal and in-style. Fairly tasteful decor, a couple plants, not too much clutter. To put it simply, it was a completely and utterly average, normal house. This fact drove Kars completely and utterly up the wall.

“Come on, there must be SOMETHING around here,” he said looking through a shelf of books that Kira probably bought at a yard sale one time and then completely forgot to read. Unless he DOES read them, which would then be very useful fuel for Kars.

“What are you doing looking through Bossu’s stuff?” Kars jumped at hearing Doppio’s voice behind him. He turned to see the pink haired man crossing his arms and staring at him with a puzzled look.

“Just… looking for ideas on what book I should buy next. Thought I would see what Kira reads since uh, he has such great taste!” Kars did not think that highly of Kira’s taste. In fact, he thought it was DREADFUL. The house was too… sterilized and honestly bland. The clothes, too unassuming and with zero personality. And if whatever Dio was planning worked, it would just further cement Kars’s opinion.

“You aren’t exactly sneaky, Inspector Clouseau,” Dio called him out from across the room, “You’re clearly trying to dig up dirt on him!”

“Don’t pretend that you haven’t been trying to peek into his bedroom since we got here!” Kars accused him as he stood up.

“That’s completely different!”

“Why, because you’re horny for him?” Kars raised an eyebrow.

Dio paused, “No, I just wanted to see if the carpet in there matched the drapes."

“What the actual fuck is wrong with you?”

The fight was prevented from escalating further by Kira walking into the living room from the bathroom, which made Dio immediately sit down and pretend he wasn’t just about to throw Kars out the window.

“God, I hate gay people,” Kars muttered homosexually.

“Alright, I think we’re all h-,” Kira suddenly sighed. “Where the hell is Diego?”

Oh right. Diego was late. But not for long, because almost as soon as Kira said that Diego kicked the door open, holding two grocery bags.

“Sorry about that, lads! I asked Hot Pants to stop at Kwik Trip to get some snacks because I knew Kira would be too much of a cheapsk….oh hey boss!” Diego realized that Kira was there and put on a fake smile, hoping he wouldn’t notice the fact that 1. He was late, and 2. He just insulted him to his face.

“Just go sit down, Diego,” he grumbled and made a mental note to put this in his quarterly employee review.

Diego awkwardly walked over and sat down between Dio and Doppio, setting the bags down on the floor. Some of the snacks fell out of the bag, which Doppio immediately stuffed in his pockets to bring home to his brother who regularly suffers from a bad case of the munchies.

“Alright. Now that we’re all here, first order of business is-” Kira started.

“Wait boss. Uh… How long is this meeting going to last?” Diego looked at the time on his phone and then at the door.

“One and a half to two hours, like every meeting before, Diego,” Kira rubbed the bridge of his nose. Fuck, this was going to be a long night.

“Diego, you’re looking extremely suspicious right now. Are you going on a date after this or something?” Dio raised an eyebrow at his brother.

“No! It’s just…” Diego sighed and mumbled, “Hot Pants drove me here, and they told me they’re leaving without me if I’m not out in an hour.”

Dio immediately started laughing.

“Aww, your crush drove you here?”

“They’re not my crush! Hot Pants is just my roommate!” the small British man huffed.

“Oh my god, they were roommates,” Doppio whispered to Kars. Kars just sat and ate the Sour Patch Kids that Diego brought. Doppio realized the generation gap between them and awkwardly giggled.

“Oh come off it, I’ve seen the goo-goo eyes you’ve made at them~” Dio teased, making doe eyes as he spoke, “Oh, Hot Pants! The love of my life~ What was that, it’s time for my 4pm dick fla-”

“DIO!” Diego, now red-faced, lunged at the older, attempting to cover his mouth before he mocked him with a long dead and buried meme. The others aside from Kira just egged the two on, although both Doppio and Kars were rooting for Diego.

Kira sighed and walked over to a cabinet, grumbling about how the others “will pay for this” if they break anything. Not like they’ll be murdered or anything, of course not! Yoshikage Kira was just a simple manager at a Hooters, nothing more. He’ll just be taking the cost out of their paychecks. Although Dio would probably offer to pay in another way.

Kira got to the cabinet and pulled out an airhorn, which he kept for special occasions, aka every single staff meeting. He held it high in the air, covering one of his ears, and blew the horn, almost instantly gaining the attention of everyone in the room.

“NOW! If you all will SIT DOWN so we can get the meeting done with QUICKLY and you all can LEAVE,” he hissed through gritted teeth. The others sat as he put away the airhorn.

“See?” Dio poked Diego.

“See what?”

“What I mean? That he’s kind of hot when he’s annoye-”

“Dio, I will not hesitate to strangle you once this meeting is over,” Diego side eyed him.

Kira sat down, choosing to ignore this conversation, although he felt some sort of… warmth in him when Dio said that. He shrugged it off as the temperature in the house.

He cleared his throat. “Alright, time to begin the meeting. First off, employee of the month.”

This made Kars perk up and set down the bag of Sour Patch Kids that he was eating like chips. Finally, the moment he was waiting for. Employee of the Month. His name and picture on the break room wall. A discount on wings. And most importantly, the Good Parking Space. The one that’s right near the building and is perfectly shady on hot, sunny days.

“And this month’s winner is…” Kars began to stand up and dust the little flavor powder from the Sour Patch Kids off himself.

“Me.”

Doppio gasped. Diego whispered an “Oh shit.” Dio didn’t even bother to stifle a laugh. Kars couldn’t decide who to glare at, so he quickly looked back and forth between the other four. He sat down, already thinking of the fake 1-star reviews he’ll leave on the restaurant as vengeance.

By this point, Kira’s two cats, a British Shorthair named Stray Cat and a sphynx cat named Killer Queen, decided to make their cameo and promptly fell asleep on the back of the couch and right on the bag of snacks respectively.

Soon enough, the meeting was underway without another hiccup. It was a completely boring, regular meeting. That lasted an hour and six minutes.

“Alright, last thing on the agenda. This one is a bit heavy, so please-” Kira was interrupted by a sudden pounding at the door. He whipped his head towards the door.

“I swear if that damn priest found out where I live...” he grumbled under his breath. He then shouted towards the door, “It’s open!”

The door practically swung open, revealing a pink-haired individual wearing clothes that look like they were stolen from some poor e-boy.

“Hot Pants?! What are you doing here?” Diego said with what sounded like genuine fear in his voice.

“You’re late, and I got bored,” they replied.

“Jesus… just…” Kira shut down for a moment, attempting to figure out if this was worth adding to the stress that would most certainly give him nothing short of a sheer heart attack by age 50.

“You might as well come in, I guess. The meeting is about over anyway,” Dio shrugged as if he had any authority over who could enter Kira's house. Hot Pants huffed at the fact that they would have to actually spend more than two seconds here, and sat down on the arm of the couch.

“Okay… Now to FINALLY get to the news…” Kira paused and sighed, for tension and word count.

“I… recently had a conversation with corporate. The numbers aren’t looking good, and they’re looking for franchises to shut down. And… our location is on the chopping block.”

The room immediately erupted into chaos. Dio swung his arms out in shock, accidentally hitting Diego in the face. Diego assumed this was an act of war and pounced, attempting to go for Dio’s jugular, accidentally startling Stray Cat who quickly sensed the fuckery going on and skedaddled, on the way down accidentally clawing Kars, who was currently screaming at Kira, who was looking at Hot Pants for help, who was currently filming the fight between Dio and Diego to upload on WorldStarHipHop later.

“WHAT THE FUCK KIRA?! WHY WASN’T THAT THE FIRST THING YOU SAID?!” the purple haired man roared.

“Well, I knew that if I announced it at the beginning you all would have left! See!?” he wildly gestured at Doppio, who stopped mid-stride towards the door, holding the bag of snacks in one arm and Killer Queen in the other, who jumped out of his grasp and slinked over back to her owner.

Kars, seeing this, huffed and flopped back down on the couch, pulling Diego off of Dio with one hand in the process. Hot Pants made a disapproving face, as the fight was JUST getting good.

Dio sat back and smoothed out his hair and looked at Kira.

“So… now what?” the tall blonde asked.

“We close down. How the hell could we keep the place open if you all can’t even keep from being at each other’s throats constantly!” Kira huffed, standing up and throwing his arms into the air, “The meeting is over.” He walked into his bedroom and slammed the door. Hot Pants took this as an opportunity to drag Diego out of the house, quickly followed by Doppio with the bag of snacks.

Which left Kars and Dio all by themselves. They sat in silence, both contemplating the end of the restaurant. Little did the other know, they were both thinking of ways that they could in fact save it.

Finally, Dio piped up.

“We can’t let Hooters shut down.”

Kars looked at him, “So it’s a ‘we’ now?”

“Listen, as much as I hate your guts… we’ve been here the longest, besides Kira. So… it’s sort of our responsibility, isn’t it?”

Kars actually nodded at what he said. Hell, he was tired enough to go with anything at the moment.

“Right… It is. So, what do we do then?”

Dio sat back and thought for a few moments with his eyes closed. Kars could practically see the hamster wheel in his brain turning.

Finally, Dio’s eyes shot open and he turned to face Kars.

“I have an idea.”

Chapter Text

Kars liked to keep his personal life and his work life separate. He didn’t share too much about his own life, not with most people. None of his coworkers except Kira know his birthday, and no one knows what Kars does when he clocks out every night. If anyone asks something even remotely personal, like the type of music he likes, he curls into his shell.

Kars wanted to keep it this way. He didn’t really like people trying to get too close to him, it always felt fake, like there was some ulterior motive behind it. Plus, he couldn’t deny that he liked that there was an air of mystery around him.

Not only that, but no one in his personal life knew about his current employment at Hooters, not even his family.

Which is why Kars was absolutely terrified when he saw Esidisi walk through the door during the lunch hour, with their two children in tow.

"Shit!" He quickly thrusted the tray of drinks he was delivering into Diego's hands before running off into the back before he could be spotted. Of course Diego, who wasn't expecting to be handed a tray of drinks, immediately spilled them all in front of the customers that the drinks were for.

Dio looked up from his phone in surprise at what just happened. "What the hell is his problem?"

"No idea, but Kira's probably not gonna be happy about him going MIA." Diego tsked. "Can you go and seat the group up there?" He pointed at Esidisi.

"Isn't Doppio host today?"

"Yeah, but he's gone too!"

Doppio wasn't exactly 'gone', he was just hard to find. If either of them looked behind the restaurant where the dumpsters are, they'd find him knocking on the lid.

"Toorururururururu~ TOrururururu~" he banged on the lid. Some rustling was heard before the lid opened, revealing a very exhausted looking Diavolo.

"My sweet Doppio… What the hell do you want?"

"What do I want? You asked me to meet you!!"

"Hmm? Ah shit, I did. Doppio, I have a favor to ask of you."

"You want more parmesan garlic wings? You could've just texted me to come bring-"

"No! As much as I love those flavorful, succulent wings, it's something different." He paused and looked around to make sure no one was listening in.

"I heard from a little birdy that this place is in danger of shutting down."

"WHAT? Who told you that?? Was it your weird doctor friend?!" Doppio very loudly responded.

"SHH!!! Not so loud!" Diavolo whispered, "That's not important. I need you to help me."

Doppio cocked an eyebrow, "With what?"

"Knowing your micromanager of a micro manager, he's most likely trying to save his own ass and the restaurant. I need you to be my eyes on the inside and ruin his effor-"

"Huh?! Diavolo, I-I can't do that!!" Doppio put his hands up, "I need this job!!!!"

"A job that doesn't even pay minimum wage? Doppio, you don't need a job that forces you to wear. That." He gestured at the very skimpy Hooters uniform that Doppio was nervously tugging at.

"But…"

"Plus… I could probably cut you a better deal than Kira ever could."

At that, Doppio's eyes lit up. He found his one weakness: the fact that he's a broke college student.

"R-really?"

"Of course!!! Anything for my sweet Doppio~"

"I'll agree if you promise to quit calling me that," Doppio rolled his eyes.

"Hard to do, but fine."

-

"Welcome to Hooters, how many at your table today?" Dio adjusted his shirt so that the neckline was lower than it already was as he looked up at the man in front of him.

"Three!" The man smiled and pointed at the two children with him: a young blonde who looked around curiously while holding the tall man's hand and a red headed baby, held by the man, who was currently trying to reach up and grab the nose ring sticking out of Esidisi's nose.

"Right this way," Dio took some menus and started sashaying towards his section. He looked towards the door that Kars disappeared into and saw him peeking out. What was up with today? He would never run off in the middle of a shift!

Oh well, he decided to at least take this as an opportunity to seat them in his section. He might as well make some money off of Kars's disappearance.

“My name is Dio and I’ll be your serv-”

“You’re the server too??? I didn’t realize the place was understaffed!” the man gaped at him.

“It’s fine, no one comes here anyway,” Dio replied. “Would you like to start with some water?”

“Hmm… Do you guys have kids cups?” Esidisi asked, looking back and forth between his children, the blonde one stacking the packets of sugar in a pyramid on the table, the red head attempting to chew on a spoon.

Dio clicked his tongue. “This is a Hooter’s. Not exactly family friendly.” He gestured to his pulled down shirt.

“Oh, that’s true.” Esidisi paused. “So do you have any or...?”

Dio realized that this was going to be a long shift.

-

It took exactly 30 seconds between Diego knocking on the door to Kira’s office and Kira marching off to the back to look for Kars. Was he serious??? He considered Kars to be one of his less useless employees and suddenly he’s attempting to play the part of Ferris Bueller from the hit 1986 movie Ferris Bueller’s Day Off starring Matthew Broderick???

He stormed through the kitchen, almost knocking poor Tonio off balance, who was just being a side character and making chicken wings. Kira also stormed past Doppio, who he did not notice was sneaking back in after also going MIA.

He began opening many different doors: the pantry, the freezer, the bathroom, the breakroom, until finally he found Kars attempting to hide behind the mop bucket and who jumped when he heard the door slam open.

“KARS.” Kira yelled, prompting Kars to very quickly shush him.

“Not so loud!” he mouthed.

“What?” Kira could not lip read.

Kars rolled his eyes. “Not so loud!!!” he loudly whispered.

Kira huffed. “What the fuck are you doing back here?!” he whispered back

“I can’t be out there right n-”

“Why the hell not? What has gotten into you??”

“I know that guy out there,” Kars side eyed in the direction of the dining room

“You know multiple guys out there, that doesn’t narrow it down at all! Why are you not out doing your job???”

He glared at Kars, who glared back at him. After a tense five seconds, Kars grunted and gave in.

“White haired man with the kids. He’s my husband,” he looked down.

Kira blinked, shocked. “Excuse me?”

“Are you going deaf? He’s my husband,” Kars said as he reached into his pocket, pulling out a wedding ring.

“That’s- wow, I didn’t realize that you were married… Congrats?” Kira had no idea what to say to that.

Kars glared at him again. “And he doesn’t know that I work here. And I’d rather it stay that way.”

“But-” What the fuck was Kira even supposed to do in this situation.

“I’ll tell HR on you if you make me go out there.”

“Excuse me? For what???”

“I don’t know yet, but I’ll find something,” Kira has known Kars long enough to know that he’s completely serious with that threat. Kars has gone to even pettier levels, like the time he somehow stole all of Dio’s vacation days because Dio didn’t wipe down tables. And Kira wasn’t in the mood to fuck with Kars.

He took a deep breath. “...Fine. But this better not become a common occurrence.” Kira closed the door of the storage closet and walked away, muttering to himself about how he doesn’t get paid enough.

-

Dio and Diego watched Esidisi, Santana, and Wammu eat their lunch from behind the corner that separated the main dining room from Kira’s office and the kitchen. Esidisi was currently going to town on the restaurant’s Home Run burger, with “four 1/4 pound patties served on a toasted brioche bun, topped with lettuce, tomato, onions and your choice of cheese (hooters.com)¹.”

“I think he ate half of that in one bite…” Diego whispered in amusement, petting Scary Monsters who was curled up in his arms.

“I didn’t think he would eat it like that when I saw him nibble at the celery, but…” Dio trailed off, equally amazed as his brother.

“Christ, he looks like Jojo that time he-” Diego was about to bring up the time their brother folded an entire pizza and ate it like a sandwich before Dio coughed and side eyed the smaller blonde.

Right. No Jojo talk.

They watched in silence as the blonde child attempted to climb on the table to try and grab one of the red head’s carrot sticks, with great concentration.

“Wammu! ¡Toma asiento!” Esidisi chastised him, startling Wammu, which caused him to knock over his water glass, watching it spill on the floor.

Diego and Dio looked at each other. “Your section; not mine,” Diego threw his hands up and walked away.

-

After what felt like forever, Hooter’s closed for the night, everything was by loose definition cleaned, and the employees and manager all sat around a table in the event room, with Dio and Kars standing at the head of the table.

“So… why aren’t we allowed to leave? I have bio homework due tonight~” Doppio whined, his cheek resting against the table.
“We have homework???” Diego perked up, grabbing his phone to check the class page.

“Silence, nerds! You can go home once we’re done,” Dio banged on the table with a butter knife like it was a gavel to get everyone’s attention before standing up straight and crossing his arms. “We-”

“We know you all don’t want Hooters to shut down.” Kars spoke over him, earning a glare from Dio. “S-”

“SoOOOOoo~ we’re going to fix that!” Dio finished, stepping in front of Kars.

Kira couldn’t help but smirk. “Do you two even know how much in debt this place is?”

“Does it matter?” Kars looked at him. “We’re all conventionally attractive men in skimpy uniforms. We could probably get the US government out of debt if we decided to.” Everyone except Kira nodded their heads in agreement.

“So the plan is…?” Diego tilted his head.

“That’s where you all come in! We need help coming up with fundraisers!”

“Fundraisers? Like a PTA bake sale?” Kira crossed his arms.

“Ooh! My mom always made really good lemon bars for those!” Doppio perked up.

“Hasn’t your mom been in prison your whole life?” Diego squinted at him.

“And she found a way!!!”

“Lemon bars you say? I’ve actually been meaning to look for a good recipe…” Kira suddenly became invested in the conversation. He keeps this secret but he absolutely kills at baking!

“Ooh! I’ll have to ask Mom during her next visitation if I can give you the reci-”

“CAN WE STOP TALKING ABOUT THE LEMON BARS.” Kars raised his voice, attracting every eye in the room to him. He cleared his throat and continued

“To answer Kira’s question, we COULD do a bake sale, but Dio and I had some other ideas as well. Dio?” He gestured to Dio who pulled out his phone, which was already on a Pinterest board labelled ‘Fundraiser Ideas to Save Nationally Failing Chain Restaurant.’ Everyone was impressed that there were even ideas on there relevant to their problem; which. Of course there is. It’s Pinterest. They have everything. Dio gave his phone to Diego.

“Ooh! Hosting D&D groups?” Diego’s eyes brightened when it was his turn, “There’s this group at the college looking for somewhere to host!”

“Really? What’s the group’s name?” Doppio asked.

“The Stardust Crusaders!”

“AbsoLUTELY not.” Dio took the phone and passed it to Doppio.

“I’m still team bake sale!” He looked at Dio with determination. But… right. He’s gotta help his big bro with his more nefarious plan for the restaurant. He passed the phone across the table to Kira.

Kira squinted at the phone for a few moments “...Doppio, did you accidentally click on an inappropriate website?”

“No, why?”

“Because I see a picture of women in swimsuits washing a car.”

“Oh! That!” Dio chimed in, “I thought a sexy car wash would be a good idea!”

“Well you thought wrong; this is an awful idea! I’m not debasing myself by washing cars shirtless!”

“Well then don’t take your shirt off,” Diego shrugged, “I think it could be a good idea. We’re already kinda doing that anyway; except we serve chicken wings.”

Kars, Dio, and Doppio nodded in agreement. Even Scary Monsters looked at Diego approvingly. Kira rubbed his temples, his brows knit together.

“So… are we all in?” Kars asked.

“Hell yeah bruv!” Diego fist pumped.

“S-sure!” Doppio stammered. Should he be going along with this? Maybe it’ll be good to blend in.

“...” Kira gave one of those deep sighs that seem to come from your stomach, “Fine.”

“Then it’s settled! Meeting dismissed!!” Dio started to grab the butter knife to bang it once more. Kira quickly saw him do so and went to grab the butter knife before Dio could attempt to ruin a perfectly good knife and table. The men’s hands ended up meeting as they both grabbed the knife at once. They both quickly realized what happened, yelped and dropped it on the table with a clang. Kira felt his face burn as he left the room while Dio stared at the knife in shock.

Diego scooped up Scary Monsters “Welp. That was gay. I’m out.” He filed out of the room, followed by Kars and Doppio. Dio stayed in the conference room for five more minutes, overthinking that interaction before turning off the light and leaving as well.

Citations:
¹Hooters. (n.d.). Hooters Burger Menu. hooters.com. Retrieved from https://www.hooters.com/menu/burgers/.

Chapter Text

“I’m sure you would like to know why I called you to my humble abode, Doppio~” Diavolo’s head barely peeked from above the trash can, a banana peel sat atop his head so that you, the reader, know that this man lives in a dumpster.

“Yeah, yeah,” Doppio unfolded his shorts and pulled out an aluminum packet, handing it to the taller man.

“Ah yessss, my parm garm,” Diavolo cooed as he gently cradled the aluminum packet of parmesan garlic chicken wings before unfolding it, “I also have another thing.”

“Your revenge scheme?” Doppio attempted to steal a chicken wing from the packet, earning him a hiss from the human lice airbnb.

“You know me so well, my dear baby brother!” he smiled, “I was thinking we could help bring a little bit of bad press~ There’s a lot of things we can choose with that after all.” Which was true. Famous Twitch streamer and e-clown Jerma actually based the Rat Movie off of this specific Hooters.

“And… what am I supposed to do?”

“You know that priest that shows his face here every so often?” Diavolo smirked.

“Dia, I’m not bringing our priest into this! It’s already embarrassing enough that he knows I work here!!”

“That’s just your Catholic guilt talking! Just tell him you plan on quitting soon because you repented!”

Doppio huffed cutely because he’s Doppio, “Fine. But if he makes me do any Our Fathers or Hail Marys, I’m beating you with my rosary.”

Diavolo shivered. “Fine.”

“Hey I think your weird doctor friend is here,” Doppio pointed to Diavolo’s left.

“Huh? He is?!” Diavolo quickly turned his head. By the time he realized that no one was there, Doppio had already gone back inside, happily munching on the chicken wing he stole from his older brother.

--

Kira walked out of his office to see our ragtag group of waiters crawling on top of each other to look out the window.

“May I ask why none of you are serving customers right now?” He asked as he walked up to the group, gesturing to the completely empty dining room.

“‘Cause they can’t get in.” Kars turned his head to Kira and pointed out the window at the group of protestors gathering outside.

“What the fuck-” He climbed into the booth the others were gathered in and looked out.

“THIS IS A PLACE OF SIN. REPENT IN THE NAME OF JESUS.” Pucci shouted through a megaphone at the restaurant.

“What the fuck-!” he raised his voice and crawled out of the booth, “What the fuck!!!”

“Ah shit, I fink Pucci broke Kira,” Diego watched the manager as he paced around the dining room, muttering to himself.

“How the hell did Pucci even get this many people? He’s usually all by himself!” Dio squinted, counting the number of people with.

Doppio was doing the same, scanning the crowd. None of them seemed to be anyone he knew, except for- No. NO. NOOOO. Doppio’s eyes widened as they suddenly came across a very familiar face, a young brunette woman by the name of Donatella Una. They’ve been good friends for quite some time now, ever since he tripped over her purse while handing out church programs. She laughed at him, of course, but afterwards helped him up and even handed out programs with him. Seeing her in the large crowd outside was so embarrassing! Did she know he worked here? Oh god what if she saw him, what would she think? She would never speak to him again if she knew. What if she-

“Earth to Doppio!” Doppio was pulled out of his fun-size panic attack by Diego poking him in the head, “You good bruv?”

“Huh? Oh! Yeah, just… Worried about how customers are going to get in is all!”

“Yeah, that’s definitely going to be a problem…” Kars stared back and forth between the window and Kira having his third mental breakdown of the week when he hatched an idea, “Hey, Kira! Maybe you can go out there and threaten to call the cops or something!”

Kira stopped pacing and turned to the others, “No! I’m not going out there just to get yelled at by a bunch of Jesus freaks. Plus you know how much I don’t like calling the pigs!” Kira looked out the window for a moment, the gears in his brain turning. “Dio? Diego?” He spoke up after a moment of silence. The two turned to look at him.

“Are you about to ask what I think you’re about to ask?” Diego sighed.

“The ‘Full Brando Package’?” Dio perked up. Finally, an opportunity to get extra slutty!

Kira nodded, “It might freak them out enough to make them leave. And if they try to beat you up, we can at least sue for assault.” Dio quickly jumped out of the booth, Diego sluggishly following behind.

“Watch the master at work, everyone!” Dio rubbed his hands together, “Especially you, Kira~”

Kira turned his back to the window as Dio dragged Diego out into the parking lot.

“Can we at least do it without saying the cringe line?” Diego winced.

“But the cringe line is the most important part!” Dio got into place in front of the crowd, cocking a hip to the side. Diego rolled his eyes and made his way next to him, cocking his opposite hip out. The crowd booed.

Pucci held out a cross at the pair and turned on his megaphone, the screech from it making Diego wince and cover his ears.

“PREPARE TO REPENT IN THE NAME OF THE LORD!” Pucci yelled through the megaphone, which people doing that never made sense to me personally because if you have a megaphone why are you yelling? People can already hear you!

“Yeah?” Dio cocked an eyebrow. “Well you should PREPARE for trouble!”

Diego groaned, “and make it double!”

“Prepare for the Brando Package Special!” The two said in unison, Diego much less enthusiastically than Dio.

Dio took his phone out and pressed play on his Spotify playlist titled “Music to Scare Priests To” and began to dance.

I cannot describe how Dio and Diego are dancing without losing this fic’s T rating, so instead we will move the focus back inside.

“Wait a minute, did they steal their catchphrase from Pokemon?” Doppio squinted in confusion.

“...They stole it?” Kira asked. He was told by Dio that this was a 100% original line that he and Diego came up with.

“You didn’t realize? It’s said by Team Rocket in like, every episode.” Doppio whipped his head around and stared at Kira. Kars took a break from filming Dio and Diego for his cringe compilation to watch this unfold.

“Who???”

“Team Rocket?? From POKEMON? You don’t know Pokemon???”

“I’m 33,” Kira shrugged.

The trio were interrupted by a scream coming from outside. Pucci dropped his megaphone and was hiding his boomer eyes in horror at the sight before him.

“Two men… GYRATING in such a fashion! Oh the HUMANITY!” He quickly passed his way through the crowd- who were mixed between booing and cheering- to leave. With their leader gone, the rest of the protestors began to disperse.

“Oh thank GOD,” Diego immediately quit dancing and rushed his way back inside and sat down in the shared booth, hiding his face in his arms on the table.

Dio, being the most in-character he will be, decided to take a few moments to sign autographs and take selfies with the adoring fans he created outside.

Doppio patted Diego’s back as he asked, “Did anyone ever tell you and Dio that you would be great at the ‘Which One of Us is Hikaru’ game?”

Diego looked up, “The what?”

“You know… the one from Ouran? Highschool Host Club?” First Kira doesn’t know Pokemon and now this?? No wonder Hooter’s was failing, he’s the only one there with taste!

“Sorry, I don’t watch anime.”

“How did you know it was anime?” Doppio raised an eyebrow, “I never said-”

“Doppio, he’s LYING,” Dio stated in a grandiose manner as he rejoined the others. “He knows it’s an anime because he’s a fucking weeb. He sends me that stupid Evangelion congratulations video everytime I put Giorno to bed on time.” He rolled his eyes.

“And how do you know it’s from Evangelion?” Diego pointed accusingly at the other blonde.

“Because you wouldn’t shut the fuck up about it in middle school!”

“Evangelion?” Doppio interjected. “Ah, I see you’re a man of culture as well,” he smiled.

“Doppio if you say that ever again I’m going to be joining your mother in prison,” Kars said without looking up from his phone. The pinkette sank back in his seat with a huff.

“Don’t you four have a job to do or something?” Kira stood up. “There’s literally people over there waiting to be seated and you’re arguing about cartoons!”

“To be clear, THEY’RE arguing about cartoons, I was just-” Dio started.

“You’re mopping tonight, Dio,” Kira interrupted before walking away to his office.

–-

That evening, the restaurant was staying open for longer than usual. Much to Dio’s chagrin, Diego got his way and was able to successfully rent out the event room to his university’s local D&D group, The Stardust Crusaders.

“Let’s see…. Okay, so your group JUST got the Gauntlet of Smeralda from Enya the Hag. Uh- Star Platinum! What are you planning on doing?” A young red-haired man underneath a dark green cloak looked up expectantly from a paper divider at a black haired man about the same age who looked almost completely disinterested in the game and was wearing enough chains to hold up a TSA line.

“Uh- I dunno. Gramps what do you-”

“Jotaro! You’re supposed to speak in character, remember?” A silver-haired man in a wheelchair interjected.

“Good grief, take your own advice Pol!” Jotaro muttered.

Diego and Dio watched from afar while folding silverware into cloth napkins outside the event room.

Diego picked up Scary Monsters as he tried to bite the Boston terrier attempting to steal his plate of chicken wings. “Listen. I know they weren’t your first pick-”

“Diego, they wouldn’t even be my last pick. If it were the apocalypse and everyone had to eat each other to survive, I would gnaw my own arm off before eating any of those losers.”

“...Jesus Christ, okay???” Diego shook his head in bewilderment, “As I was saying, don’t be so salty, we owe Uncle Joseph a favor anyway since the time you stole $20 from Jotaro,” Diego rolled his eyes at the memory.

“He stole from me first!!!”

“He didn’t steal from you, you lost at poker! Remember? On my birthday last year?”

Dio tsked and went back to folding napkins for a moment before speaking up again, “My own brother, taking the side of my nemesis…”

“He’s not your nemesis, he’s your cousin you drama queen!”

“You’re one to talk! Didn’t you literally growl at your ~cousin~ Johnny when he walked by your apartment the other day?”

“Who the hell told you about that?”

“Hot Pants did.” Dio smirked.

“Since when do you talk to HP???”

“Since they added me on Snapchat asking for dirt on you. By the way, why is your girlfriend trying to blackmail you?”

“Dio, they’re NOT my girlfriend! And I don’t know, maybe I forgot to do the dishes again???”

“Just because they aren’t doesn’t mean you don’t want them to be~” Dio said before making exaggerated smooching noises.

“Will you GROW UP you TWAT?” Diego banged on the table, sending forks and knives clattering. The game in the other room came to a stop as they all stared at the brothers.

Suddenly, Jotaro stood up from his chair. “...Dio.”

Dio scowled at his cousin “...Jotaro.”

Diego rolled his eyes and got up, walking away to find Kira.

Jotaro started walking over to where Dio sat.

“Oh? Are you approaching me?” Dio stood up and stepped towards Jotaro.

Jotaro cracked his knuckles as he continued walking towards Dio. “I can’t beat the shi-”

“Jotaro come onnnnn it’s your turn!” Joseph whined from the table.

“We only have 30 minutes left before we have to pack up and we haven’t finished this battle yet!” A man with Bantu knots holding a now very full Boston terrier added.

Jotaro rolled his eyes. “Count yourself lucky,” he grumbled and adjusted his hat, walking back to join the rest of his group.

Diego quickly came out, dragging Kira behind him, stopping as soon as he saw Jotaro walking away. “Ah no, did I miss the fight?” Diego asked.

Dio caught sight of Kira and quickly leaned against the table. “Yeah, I beat his ass! Scared the shit out of him!”

“...Sure,” Kira sighed, “Just… don’t try to scare him off permanently. I’m not trying to lose more business.” He was about to say something else along the lines of proper behavior towards customers when the Stardust Crusaders hurried past them with their packed up belongings, Jotaro flipping Dio off as he walked by.

“...Andddd there they go,” he pinched the bridge of his nose.

Chapter Text

“God fucking damnit,” Kira muttered under his breath as he twisted the key into the ignition for the third time. It had the exact same result as the two other times: Sputtered but didn’t start. He leaned forward and rested his forehead against the steering wheel. He was going to be late to work, something he’s never done. At this point he may as well just quit instead of going in and facing the embarrassment of being late. Maybe he should move. Get plastic surgery. Change his name to that of an acquaintance of his, for example Kosaku Kawajiri.

He realized all of this would cost more money than he had, so he quickly grabbed his phone and downloaded a ride-share app of your, the reader's, choosing. And if you believe that rideshare apps are a scam that take advantage of their drivers and you believe that Yoshikage Kira would also believe this, then you can imagine that he walked.

In his business and frustration, he neglected to look at the 5 different calendar notifications labeled BAKE SALE as well as the grocery store cupcakes he bought on his way home from work the night prior. Instead, his attention was focused on being polite to his way too chatty driver who insisted on trivial matters like the weather and some recent sports game that happened. He internally vowed to give this driver a passive aggressive 4 stars, however he knew deep down that he would still rate them 5 stars to save the trouble.

"But I was imagining that Kira walked!" You may be telling me right now. I know. I tricked you into thinking you had the freedom of choice when you never really had any. I'm sorry.

Kira froze as he exited the car and was greeted by a giant homemade sign that he recognized as saying OFFICIAL HOOTER’S BAKE SALE, even with most of the hand-painted letters being extremely squished towards the right hand side. How could he forget that today was the bake sale? He couldn’t just head home, he already spent $20 and was already late! Maybe he could just sneak away and pretend he had a cold, perhaps that would be believ-

“Hey! Look who decided to show up!” He snapped back to reality to the sound of Diego’s voice, just to see the too smug blonde man standing at the entrance, Scary Monsters (who looked equally smug for a lizard) perched on his shoulder. Well there goes that plan.

“Kira? He’s never late-” Kars peeked (more like towered) over the other, holding a sheet pan with a copious amount of frosting and sprinkles, his voice filled with more suspicion than worry.

“Car trouble,” Kira could already feel the migraine coming on from the questioning as he pushed past the other two. “Now if you don’t mind, I have to call a mechanic and-”

“Oy wait, where’s the cupcakes? Weren’t you the one that was bringing them?” Diego tilted his head.

Quick Kira, think of something. “No? That was supposed to be you, wasn’t it?”
“What? No, I brought the rice krispie bars!” Diego gestured at the table where the goodies sat.

“With what looks like real rice, by the way!” Dio stood at the table, examining the desserts.

“Oh because those burned rocks you call biscuits look better?” Diego turned towards him, arms crossed.

“I have literally watched you eat rocks.”

“What? Maybe when I was younger-”

“IT WAS LAST MONTH!”

Kira took the opening created by the argument to sneak to his office to try and order a cake to be delivered.

The argument, of course, was shortly interrupted by the door slamming open and Doppio rushing inside, holding a sheet pan of lemon bars and a backpack strapped to his back. “Sorry I’m late!!! Class ran late and traffic was really bad today and-”

“Oooh~ Are those the lemon bars you texted me about?” Diego looked at the aluminum covered pan and wiggled his fingers at it.

“Uh- yeah! Yep! Just the lemon bars, nothing else! Don’t worry about it!” Doppio looked back and forth between the other three.

“O-kay?” Diego raised an eyebrow at him before shaking his head and going back to his argument with Dio. Kars sighed and walked away from the situation. Perfect! This was Doppio’s chance!

Doppio quickly set the lemon bars on the table and slung the bag off of his shoulders, opening it and grabbing two things from inside: A plate and a ziploc bag full of brownies.

“Hopefully this works-” Doppio mumbled as he dumped the brownies onto the plate, arranging them in a neater fashion before grabbing his bag and slinking away from the scene of the crime.

Of course, to understand why Doppio was sneaking around, we need to go back a few days to Doppio and his brother’s latest visit to their mother.

—

“I can’t believe mamma wouldn’t let me give bossu the recipe!” Doppio pouted as the two left the visitor’s center of the Green Dolphin Street Prison, recalling the resounding ‘no’ he was given and how she would ever only give up her special prison lemon bars recipe to Doppio’s future wife. Or husband, mentally noting the Hooter’s uniform he forgot to change out of before visiting.
“Maybe I should’ve just lied and said I was seeing someone. But who?” Doppio pondered, tapping his chin.

“Doppio…” Diavolo sighed. “I told you to sabotage the restaurant. This is the exact opposite of sabotaging, you know that right?” He pulled up the hood of his hoodie as they walked past the guard station.

“Well- wouldn’t it be weird if I was the only one to not bring anything to the bake sale? There’s only five of us, they’d probably notice…”

“Who said to not bring anything?” Diavolo stopped, reached into the back of his sweatpants and grabbed a small baggie of weed out.

“Dia, what-”

“My dearest fratellino, listen to me. Make a pan of brownies with this and just sit back and watch the bake sale ruin itself~” he held the baggie out to him.

“...Wait, did you have that with you the whole time? How did you sneak that past the guards?”

“I have my ways,” Diavolo gave the baggie a shake.

Doppio grimaced at the baggie and, not wanting to think about what those ways were, quickly took it and stuffed it into the leg of his uniform, glancing behind them to make sure none of the prison guards caught the exchange.

“Doppio,” Diavolo started, which made Doppio turn back to him with a startle, “I trust you can do this for me. Is my trust misplaced?” He looked at the younger man with a more serious glint to his eye.

“N-no, Dia. Of course it isn’t!” Doppio answered, wide-eyed at the mere suggestion that his older brother didn’t believe in him.

“Perfect! Report back to me once you’re done. I’m certain you’ll do great,” Diavolo said with an almost sickening warmth, patting Doppio on the head before beginning to walk away.

“...Wait! Dia, where are you going? I drove us here-” Doppio said, confusedly pointing in the exact opposite direction of where Diavolo was walking.

Diavolo looked back at Doppio, blinking. “...Ah. Right. I knew that,” he replied as he walked back, past Doppio, and towards the car.

—

The bake sale started out well enough, surprisingly. People were coming in and buying sweets, and some of them were even stopping to have lunch! And Doppio’s plan seemed to have worked as well. As he walked past the bake sale table on his way to deliver drinks, he noticed that not only were the brownies gone, the plate was as well! Did he feel some guilt over this? Yes. But that guilt was drowned out by imagining just how proud Diavolo would be when he told him that the plan was a success!

But just as things were looking good for one, things were looking a bit worse for others.

A few hours into the shift, Kira stepped back into his office to check his email and do his daily sudoku puzzle. Instead of being greeted by his peaceful, empty office, he was greeted by paperwork strewn across the floor with bite marks taken out of them. And the culprit was sat right on Kira’s desk: a wide-eyed, empty-headed iguana.

Kira stared at Scary Monsters. Scary Monsters stared back at him.

Kira took a deep, calming breath, grabbed Scary Monsters with one hand and a destroyed paper with the other, and calmly walked out of his office.

“Who the FUCK let that DAMN LIZARD IN MY OFFICE?!” he shouted calmly.

The restaurant went practically silent as almost all the employees looked at each other. Kira scanned the front of the house, looking for signs of guilt. Of course, the first idea that popped in his head was Diego. But Diego was nowhere in sight. Then who? Finally, a voice spoke up.

“Some of the customers were complaining about him so-” Dio started. Kira’s eyes shot to him. Of COURSE it was him. Everything going wrong seemed to involve him in some way.

“So you decided to put him in MY office?” Kira crossed his arms.

“Well where the hell else was he supposed to go?” Dio blinked, surprised. “It’s not like he could go in the kitchen or anyth-”

“No, but everyone here knows damn well he isn’t supposed to be in MY office, Dio! YOU knew that!” Kira could feel the stress and tension of the day leave his mouth like an outdoor water spigot with the pressure too high, the kind of pressure that hurts your hands when you try to wash them underneath the stream.

Dio looked at him for a moment with surprise and something that Kira couldn’t quite discern. But then he turned on the usual ‘Brando charm’ and smiled.

“I guess I could… make it up to you somehow?” He asked with a wink. And that’s when the spigot burst.

“NO. Dio. I am NOT playing this FUCKING GAME today. You’re going to GRAB your brother. TELL him to get his FUCKING LIZARD. I swear to GOD you are the WORST employee I have EVER had,” Kira could feel all eyes on him. Including Dio’s who looked… hurt. Shit. He needed to walk away from this. Maybe go out back for a minute.

He turned towards the kitchen and was about to open the door when it opened from the kitchen side, revealing Diego, stumbling out, mouth covered in chocolate and holding an empty plate.