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You’ve always thought it would be like the movies. Break up scenes were always fun to watch, cathartic even. You wondered at times, if you ever broke up with Vanya (which you did), it would be more dramatic (it was not).
There would be tears and hurt feelings, but that never happened (it ended amicably). Feelings just tapered off. The need to do things together…. Dissipated. Outpourings of love fell in the gaps between you everyday. Before you knew it, you just had a talk one morning, and that was that. Both of your paths branching out in a different direction, no longer intertwined.
You barely heard from each other in the tail end of your relationship. Falling out of love for you didn’t end with a bang. More of a whimper, really. And the two of you were fine with it… Right?
You slipped out of bed, scrolling absentmindedly to messages on your phone. Swipe. On one of your pinned contacts were a couple of unread messages. Diego. Something about Diego asking if you’re up. Something about getting breakfast with him.
You used to spend the mornings at the Hargreeves', back when you and her… Well. Diego was always hanging around during breakfasts, sooner or later becoming another constant in your life. Whatever was happening in your life, he knew. He was a respite.
Diego was a little rough around the edges, the shadow of his past relationship with his father constantly following him. He wasn’t exactly the best with words, but there was something innately gentle about him, with every moment you've shared with him. You couldn’t make heads nor tails of him. But you were grateful for his kindness. He was there, always there — despite everything.
'Ready to go.' he texted.
Your fingers typed, ‘cool pick me up in five? :)’. You sent a little heart emoji absentmindedly.
He sent back an ‘O.k.’ immediately followed by a ‘:-P’. Seriously, who types ‘O.k.’ and ‘:-P’ like that in texts? you surmised. Did he not have emojis? Was he texting from an old Nokia phone? The thought made you giggle.
You closed the messaging app, and then you catch a glimpse of it. A little notification window flashing on the top of the phone screen.
On this day: ‘Vanya Vacay!!! <3’ It told you, and you instinctively tapped it — knowingly taking the bait.
Pics of her taking a selfie while you were in the background cooking. Scroll. Pics of the two of you in a far off place, your smiles wide, arms around each other. You lazily scroll through the thumbnails, a mixture of apathy and sadness washing over you.
The doorbell rang, pulling you out of your Vanya camera roll rabbit hole. How long were you looking at the phone? You opened the door and Diego stood, flashing the keys to his car.
‘Holy shit—’ His eyes went up and down your haggard figure greeting him, the picture of surprise. ‘Did you even shower today?’
‘Let’s not…’ you said, a little embarrassed. ‘I’m stressed from work, okay?’
He stifled a laugh at your unkempt sight. ‘Okay, dummy.’
‘Fuck off,’ you laughed, letting him lead the way. You stared at the back of his head, bemused. Did he dress up a little? He was wearing a different jumper this time, not the tattered, battle-worn one he always wore when he was out prowling the night. But of course knowing Diego, he was still all in black. The knife harness he usually wore 24/7 was gone today. He looked more at ease. It was odd to see him like this.
Diego took you to a bagel spot (your favorite), before the two of you strolled along the park (again, your favorite), situating yourself on one of the empty benches. It was nice. ‘We should do this more often,’ you told him, a lightness in your voice.
‘Oh yeah?’ He said. ‘Maybe wear something that’s fit for the outside world next time.’
‘Stop it, Diego,’ you laughed, punching him on the arm playfully. The both of you sat in silence, drinking the last of your coffee.
‘Shit, where’d I left my glasses…’ you said suddenly. Your hand fumbled inside your bag, looking for them. He reached over to you. You felt something light leave your head, your glasses in Diego’s hands. He flashed a shit-eating grin at you like he just won a contest.
‘It’s on your head, dummy.’
He leaned a closer, his hands deftly placing the glasses on your face. You felt his fingertips lightly grazing your cheek, his gaze never leaving you. You tense up a little, a strange feeling coming over you.
‘You still thinkin’ about her?’ He asked you quietly. You automatically knew who he was talking about.
‘Sometimes.’ You said at once, truthfully. Diego took his hand back. ‘I mean, I loved her. I still do.’
You heard him scoff, dejection in his eyes. 'After all the shit you've both been through? Gimme a break.'
You flashed him an angry 'well, you asked me' look.
‘It’s a different kind of love now, you know? I just. Look, I don't want to talk about it...’ You said. You looked around the park, memories of her in it resurfacing. You let yourself lean against him, relaxing a little, trying to find comfort elsewhere.
‘I get it.’ He said, picking up on the self-loathing from the look on your face. ‘I-I’m sorry I asked.’
‘It’s okay.’
There was a moment of silence and then, ‘Look. We can talk about it.’ He offered. ‘I-If you want.’
‘It’s just.’ You started, a long sigh punctuating your sentence. 'It's just fucking weird.’ You finally blurted out, wringing your hands. ‘One minute I just want her to fall through the face of the earth, so I don’t have to see her anywhere because it hurts to even see her face, and the next I’m like… I just want her to be happy, y’know? But I just want me to be happy too. Even if we’re not… Together.’
‘Am I even making sense, Diego?’ you buried your face in your hands momentarily. 'I feel like a mess. I'm either feeling nothing or I'm feeling everything.'
He gave a loose shrug, a small smile flitting from his face. ‘I dunno...’ he relaxed, your shoulders touching. ‘Just means you’re getting good at moving on, I guess. But.’
‘But?’
‘I mean. It's okay to wish her well, and all that shit. I don't know... You're kinder than me. Maybe that's why. But you’re allowed to be selfish.’ He said in a low voice. ‘Feel whatever you want to feel. You can be mad about it and move on too. It's fine. You’re allowed to be mad. You’re allowed to want what you want. Who you want.’
You let your head slump on his shoulder. Almost in defeat.
‘God.' you sighed. 'I don’t know what I want.’
‘I do.’ He said out loud, his voice clear as the afternoon sky, his brown eyes looking across the outline of trees in the distance.
He wanted you. But he didn’t know how to tell you.
He shifted a little closer, making sure you’re comfortable. His thigh leaned against yours. You didn’t tense anymore. You… Liked it. You knew this — whatever this was — could never happen. Something the both of you will never speak of afterward. You had different lives. He was your best friend. It didn't make sense. It wouldn't work.
But… why wouldn’t it?
The thing Diego said awhile ago was echoing in the back of your mind. You were allowed to be selfish. …Right? You try not to think about it. These thoughts were for another time. Another sleepless night to spend pondering about it. And it was fine. For now.
‘Diego?’ you hesitated.
‘Yeah?’ He hummed.
‘Do you think I should get lasik?’
'What?' He laughed, his elbow nudging you. ‘That’s fucking random, why do you wanna get lasik?’
‘I dunno. I’m tired of losing my glasses.’ You huffed, feeling his head rest against you too. His arm was around you now, pulling you closer. His fingertips gently tapping against your shoulder. It felt good. Warm. You looked up at him.
You thought about it.
It was so easy. You could just lean in and kiss him. And he knew it. Because he leaned in a little closer too. What was stopping you? It felt like the two of you were fighting an endless battle of second-guessing. You were both too familiar, too comfortable in the state of not-knowing. It was safe. Easy. You were each others' constants. To suddenly break apart the friendship you've both so desperately and easily clung to and turn it into another relationship where none of you know will end up into? It frightened you.
'You don't need to,’ was all he said.
Diego’s lips moved quickly against yours, lest you turned away, his hand gently touching the side of your face. You kissed him back. The shared impulse made neither of you want to break the kiss, taking each other in. You finally let go, your fears unfounded, a sigh of relief leaving your body.
‘I’ll find 'em for you.’