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Billy and Steve were supposed to be studying but, no, they were sat smoking cigarettes out of Steve's bedroom window and watching the sun go down. In that moment the pink hues from the sky were hitting the side of the pretty boy's face. It made him glow, it touched on every freckle and made the sparkle in his eyes impossibly brighter. He was smiling, not with teeth, just grinning quietly with his lips light. They were plush and rosy. He was in his own world, totally clueless to the shitshow that is Hawkins. Billy could cry just looking at him, he was genuinely the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. He will always remember the first time he saw Harrington, in the school parking lot. His heart literally stopped the second he laid his eyes on the fluffy-haired boy. The emotion overwhelmed him, he couldn't believe such a perfect creature existed. He hadn't been able to look away since.
That smile was intoxicating. He wondered why he never saw Steve smile anymore. Harrington still had his basketball shorts on, had pulled a sweater over his t-shirt. Billy had gone home with Steve straight after practice but Billy changed with everyone else in the locker room, he wondered why Steve didn't and why he still hadn't put on nicer clothes. The pretty boy turned to face him and blew smoke in his face, it snapped Billy back to reality.
"We should probably study you know?" Steve whispered, voice lazy. Billy wanted to kiss him, he was so soft, so delicate. Billy wanted to stay with him like this forever.
"I think we both know that's not gonna happen, pretty boy." A twitch of hurt crossed over Steve's face and he looked at the ground. Billy wondered if he said something wrong, he wondered if Steve actually wanted to study.
"You know I hate it when you call me that." Steve's voice was too quiet, too timid.
"I actually didn't know that."
Billy knew that calling Steve a pretty boy sounded like mockery, sounded like he was trying to taunt him. And maybe he was, maybe he didn't want Steve to know that he dreams of kissing him every night. But surely Steve had to know that there was a truth behind it, that behind the joke the reason Billy called him it was because Steve Harrington actually was the prettiest boy in the world. Billy didn't like all this confusion, he didn't like it when Steve's smile disappeared.
"How come you never shower at school after practice?" Steve looked at him again with a frown, squinting.
"What?"
"You know, after practice when we all go to shower and you never do. I mean you're still wearing your gym clothes right now Stevie." Steve looks outside again, he's silent for a moment.
"I dunno, I don't like showering in front of loads of guys. It's queer." Ouch, that stung.
Now that wasn't the real reason why Steve never stripped in front of his teammates, far from it. But he'd never let that gang of unforgiving douchebags know that he had never stripped in front of anyone. The truth is Steve hated his body, his face, his everything. And it wasn't just a little self-esteem issue, he hadn't looked in a mirror for weeks, hadn't looked at himself in the shower for months, hadn't liked the way he looked for his whole life. He knew which outfits looked okay, knew how to fix his hair, knew how to fucking shower. He didn't need to have his eyes open to do all of that. Whenever he caught a glimpse of himself his heart fucking plummeted. His eye bags were too deep, his nose was too big, his legs were too long, he didn't have enough muscle, he was too skinny. The list goes on. He was repulsed by his own body. That would make a normal person despair, but Steve had just learnt how to live with it.
Billy had gone quiet, he was staring outside. Steve didn't know what to say, he hoped that they'd just drop the subject. Billy would never understand, he was perfect in literally every way. Billy looked like he had been fashioned out of gold and marble. Whenever Steve listened to songs about beautiful people, he only pictured Billy. And Billy knew how he looked, he knew damn well the power he had over people and that made him radiate confidence. There wasn't a single day where Steve didn't envy the stupid mullet boy.
And Billy didn't understand. He never understood why Steve stopped wearing t-shirts and his cute denim shorts. He never figured out why Steve always walked with his head hung low, covered his mouth when he was talking, hid curled up in his arms whenever he could. Because the idea that Steve could be self-conscious didn't even register in Billy's mind. The idea that Steve could see himself as anything other than gorgeous was impossible in Billy's mind.
"Wanna go swimming?" Billy finally said, pointing at the pool in Steve's garden.
"No."
"Why?"
"Tired." Steve muttered as he stubbed his cigarette out on his ashtray, which was in fact just an old book, and trudged into his bathroom. He was acting like a little bitch, he knew that, but there was no way he was gonna spend the next two hours staring at Billy's chiselled abs and golden skin whilst he drowned in his insecurities. He sat down and sighed. In reality he was tired, tired of hating himself and trying to hide. But he didn't know how to change the way he thought. He'd been like that for as long as he could remember, it had just gotten worse recently. He hated it, he was a seventeen year old guy who thought he was ugly. That was girl shit and he knew it.
Just like that, he started crying. Just from thinking. That was another thing he hated about himself, he was far too fragile. He cried at almost everything. He was soft and weak. Sometimes he wondered why he was born like that, why out of all the men in the world he had to be such a pathetic one. He had never seen Billy or Tommy or his dad cry. Fuck he probably cried more than Nancy, he probably cried more than Dustin. He cried almost every night, always ended up in a fetal position fucking sobbing himself to sleep. He cried every time he saw himself in the mirror, every time he took a shower. He knew it was sad.
Steve wiped the tears away and slapped himself with cold water, took a deep breath and walked back into real life. He slumped on his bed, Billy was still at the window. He turned around.
"You know-" He stopped in his tracks, squinted his eyes. "Have you been crying?" Fucks sake.
"No." Steve tried, his voice literally broke. He sighed and looked down, knowing he'd already lost.
"Yes you have," Billy furrowed his brow, he looked like he wanted to move. "I...What's wrong?"
"Nothing, just tired." Steve's voice was so damn quiet he wanted to cry again. Billy sat down on the bed next to him, he wondered if he should just get up and jump out the window.
"Tell me what's wrong, Stevie. I won't laugh or anything, I promise." Steve could literally feel his eyes burning. People had asked him if he was okay a total of two times in his life. This moment with Billy and once before with Robin. He cried when Robin asked, the pure feeling of being cared for overwhelmed him. And he certainly felt like it was overwhelming him again. His lip was trembling, you know that uncontrollable thing that happens when you are really trying.
Billy put his hand around Steve, it wasn't the slap on the back that he was expecting - it was gentle. And it made Steve inhale sharply and release a little pained sob. Fuck. The flood gates had opened. It was a mess, Steve was trying to stop which just meant he kept choking and whining. Billy kept pulling him closer, rubbing his hand up and down. It was like this one touch was completely unravelling him.
He had no idea what to say. Where would he even start? - "Sorry for crying, you are just so beautiful and i'm ugly in every single way." No.
"Shush, it's okay pretty boy." Steve fucking sobbed, he hated that nickname.
"Don't call me that, it's not true." He whispered, hoping Billy wouldn't hear the second part. Obviously he did. The hand on his back stopped moving and Billy stared daggers into his soul.
"What do you mean?" Steve couldn't stop crying, he felt like he was gonna shatter like glass. Everything in him felt limp and weak, he felt like his bones were made of jelly. He didn't want Billy to know how feeble he was but hiding it was taking up too much of his time.
"'m so ugly." He barely muttered, his head so low he felt like his neck was gonna break. Billy grabbed his chin and pushed his head up, forced him to look at his eyes. They were full of worry and confusion, Steve hated that.
"What?" Billy was quiet, his voice sounded hurt and sorrowful. Steve didn't want to make him sad.
"I hate myself Billy." He had no defences up anymore, was too weak and tired to even try.
"Why- princess, no..." Billy was at a loss for words, he couldn't quite believe what was happening. Steve was perfection, everything about him was glorious. This was breaking Billy's heart.
Steve started writhing about and listing off everything that was wrong with him, he couldn't stop. It was like he lost control. He thought for a second he might be having a panic attack, he couldn't breathe as he was sobbing and exclaiming all the ugly parts of him. And he was rolling about like a toddler having a tantrum.
Billy was literally gobsmacked, he didn't know what to do. He kept trying to hold onto Steve but he wouldn't have it. The younger boy was thrashing about and crying, close to screaming. This was the most distressing thing he'd ever seen. He couldn't imagine Steve, beautiful Steve, thinking about himself in that way. It all got too much when Steve told Billy that he couldn't even look in a mirror, no one should feel that way. But he wasn't about to start crying in front of the boy who was having a breakdown so he stood up, wrapped Steve up in his arms like a baby and pulled him off the bed. It took one sharp slap to snap Steve out of whatever he was in, Billy would've felt bad if it was any other situation.
"I...Billy," Steve's face was red from the slap and his eyes were wide and still full of tears. Billy could tell he was about to say sorry a million times so he just whipped Steve around to face the mirror in the corner of his room.
"Cm'ere." Billy whispered and pulled the sweater that was covering the mirror away. He watched Steve's face in the reflection, he looked uncomfortable, his eyes were looking everywhere but at himself, he wanted to get away but Billy wouldn't let him. He pushed himself against Steve's back and wrapped his arms around him, keeping him still.
This was all so weird, so surreal. Steve didn't know how to act, didn't know if he should be embarrassed or upset. Billy was holding his waist. It was quiet, Steve didn't dare breathe. The mirror in front of them was tall, body-length, and Billy wouldn't let him look away.
"Just look at yourself Stevie, you're the most gorgeous person in the world." Billy said, his words hit Steve like a truck but he wasn't sure whether to believe him or not. The trembling boy had gone into shock, he didn't understand what was happening. He had no idea words could be so powerful, it felt like he was drowning. Everything around him felt foreign and dangerous, his heart was beating fast but his breathing was too slow, he could just about make out birds singing outside and the gentle hum of a car motor somewhere in the distance. But everything else felt like nothing. The world was spinning and the buzzing in his mind made him feel sick.
But one thing remained constant, one thing remained solid and safe. Billy Hargrove. The golden boy still had his arms wrapped tight around Steve, was still breathing in his ear. Steve was still trying to figure out what Billy said and why he said it. No one in his entire life had spoken to him with such affection.
Suddenly everything around him was too hot, too fuzzy. The only thing he could concentrate on was the touch of Billy's strong hands and the heat radiating from his body. He didn't even recognise that his feet were moving until he was facing Billy, those stupid blue eyes staring right into his soul. They were all Steve could see, all he could hear at this point was Billy's breath. And his own. It was like he lost all control, his body seemed to be moving before his brain caught up. It was dark, it was foreign and it was dangerous. But Billy was safety and Steve wanted it, needed it. His hands moved to Billy's lips, they were plush and nice to touch. Billy breathed in sharply, Steve heard it. He wasn't even sure if he was breathing anymore, wasn't sure what he was doing when he parted Billy's lips with his fingers and gulped. But when Billy nudged his fingers away and replaced them with Steve's mouth, he knew what was going on.
The kiss seemed to bring everything back, the world stopped spinning and Steve's eyes went so wide he thought they might pop out. Suddenly he was feeling absolutely everything all at once, but it felt good. Billy tasted like cigarettes and fresh sea air, Steve wanted to drown in it. He closed his eyes so he could reach further into the sensation, he wanted all of it. Billy deepened the kiss, reaching into Steve's hair and grabbing at whatever he could. Steve made an embarrassing noise which he would normally cry over, but not now. Steve reached under Billy's shirt, grabbing at all the sun-kissed skin he could. In one swift movement, Billy scooped Steve up into his arms. Having not yet broken the kiss, Steve wrapped his legs around Billy's waist, refusing to separate from his body. Billy carried him over to the bed, sitting down so Steve was straddling his lap.
"Do you really think you're ugly?" Billy whispered, out of nowhere. Steve pulled away a little and looked at him, not wanting to say it aloud and so hoping his eyes would tell the story. Billy was rubbing the small of his back, he'd never felt so safe. Steve nodded silently and sheepishly, he broke eye contact with Billy. He was pissed that Billy would bring this up now, he just wanted to make out.
"Stevie.." Billy muttered, almost whined. "But you're the most stunning creature i've ever fucking seen." Okay, Steve nearly died. His whole body seemed to melt like butter, his eyes immediately started to water and he held onto Billy for dear life - afraid he might actually soften into a puddle at his feet.
"Has no one ever told you how gorgeous you are baby?" A lonely tear fell onto Steve's cheek, his lip trembled. His heart was racing and it hurt, it felt like it was singing, or like it was lit on fire. Steve had never felt that before.
"No." It was barely a whisper but it echoed in the quiet room. And it was true, not a single person had ever complimented Steve's looks. All of the girls he'd fucked in dark rooms at parties didn't even speak to him except from the occasional moan, it was sad really. His parents had almost no involvement in his life. Maybe they once said he was cute when he was a newborn baby but since then, radio silence. When Steve broke down in front of Robin they didn't really talk, they just kind of sat and hugged it out - which is what he needed at the time. So Steve didn't really know how it felt to be called beautiful. But when Billy said it, he felt it so deeply that it would stick with him forever. And, my god, it felt good.
"Well then, I guess we better make up for lost time." Billy said, flipping Steve round so he was laid on the bed. He kissed his way down Steve's neck and along his collarbone. He'd never felt this good in his entire life. All of his random hookups were nothing compared to this. Billy pulled Steve's shirt off, not even giving him time to object. He felt exposed and shy, he couldn't remember the last time that someone else had seen him shirtless. Billy just sort of gawked at him for as second, it made Steve squirm and regret everything. But then he ran his hands over Steve's entire torso, placed his forehead against Steve's chest and just...breathed out. It might've looked weird but it made Steve's brain soften into a gooey mess. He felt like he was on cloud nine.
"Oh, princess..." Billy breathed out, feeling up every part of Steve's exposed skin that he could.
"Baby," He kissed Steve's neck, biting. "You are everything beautiful in the world." Then he kissed his shoulders, his collarbone. "You're the stars," Kiss. "The sun," Kiss. "And the ocean." Kiss.
Billy came back up so his face was directly above Steve's, he kissed him deep and rich. It was bliss. Steve had needed this for so long, needed some sort of rest from the constant battle. But he couldn't even imagine it feeling so good. His mind was swimming in a whirlpool of butterflies and daisies. He was honey, soft and sweet. He was drowning in euphoria and he'd never come up to the surface again.
"I wanna kiss every freckle on your face, I wanna count every eyelash, wanna fucking dance in your eyes." Billy was getting lost in it too, that made it impossibly better. "You're so pretty it hurts, baby."
"Pretty boy," Maybe for the first time in forever, Steve really fucking liked that nickname.