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Chapter Text

Maya swirls the whiskey around her glass, the ice cubes rattling against each other. She lifts it to her lips and takes a sip. She doesn’t really like the taste, but she enjoys the sensation of the cool liquid burning her throat. Her shoulders are sore from the tension they carry and all she wants is for her body to relax, but she can’t because the camping trip was a disaster, everyone is pissed at her, and she feels like she’s failing. She fought so hard for the captain’s job. She’s proud of herself, her dad is proud of her; she wants so hard to make it a success but she doesn’t know how.

She takes another swig of her drink. She thought the hustle and bustle of Joe’s Bar would lift her, but all it does is make her feel more lonely. Coming here was a mistake and she figures she’ll finish her drink and go home.

She is lost in her thoughts when she becomes aware of a woman sitting down next to her. Her ears pick up a thick European accent as she orders a white wine, although the bar is too noisy for Maya to work out where she’s from. She can’t help but glance across at the stranger and she is immediately struck by her beauty. Maya sees the woman start to turn towards her and she looks back down at her glass to avoid eye contact, not in the mood for social interaction.

Carina notices her straight away, her thick blonde hair and soft features, and she is sure that she has seen this woman somewhere before. Her brow is crinkled with a frown and she looks a little sad, and Carina wonders what could have happened to turn such a pretty face so serious.

“You look familiar,” Carina says, hoping to draw her into a conversation.

Maya looks up at her. “Oh, I drink here a lot,” she says with a polite smile.

Carina studies her as she tries to place her. “Uh no,” she muses, drumming her fingers against the edge of the bar. “Were you at the hospital earlier?”

“Yeah, I was,” Maya says, wondering how she was going to explain that story. “I’m a firefighter. I was, um… bringing something.”

It only takes a moment before Carina realises who she is. “Oh my god!” she cries. “Yes! You were the one who ran in with the nose!”

Her enthusiasm is infectious and Maya laughs.  “Yeah.” She holds out her hand. “Captain Maya Bishop.”

She doesn’t know why she introduces herself with such formality and feels her cheeks flush a little.

“Doctor Carina DeLuca.”

She speaks fast and Maya finds herself staring.

“Well okay, if I buy you a drink, would you tell me the story of how you ended up carrying a nose in a plastic bag?” Carina asks.

Maya feels her defence mechanisms go up. “I’m sorry, I’m drinking alone tonight,” she says, the polite smile returning to her face before she goes back to her drink.

“Okay,” Carina says, although she’s not ready to give up just yet. She leans forward against the bar and turns. “Are you sure?” she asks slowly.

Maya turns to look at her again. She’s hot and has a smile that lights up her face. Her intentions are clear and Maya figures it’s been a while since she indulged in some self-care. Carina is watching her and Maya feels her skin turn pink under her gaze. Maya looks her up and down, and smiles genuinely this time.

“Maybe not.”

Carina smiles. “Same again?” She points at Maya’s glass.

Maya shakes her head and pushes her drink away. “You know, a glass of wine would be great.”

Carina orders her a glass of wine, then spins to face her, waiting expectantly. “So…?”

Maya launches into the story about the camping trip, the early morning disruption, the encounter with the bear and her cub, and the race to catch up with the ambulance. Carina listens intently, reacting to every twist in the tale with a smile or a laugh or a gasp.

“You ran all that way?” she says, her eyes wide.

“It wasn’t that far,” Maya says with a nonchalant shrug.

“You must be very fit.”

There’s a flirtation to everything Carina says and Maya finds her eyes drifting to her lips every now and again. She’s pretty sure Carina has noticed, too.

“I used to run competitively,” Maya says.

“At school?”

Maya nods.  “And afterwards for a while.”

She is purposefully vague and Carina looks at her curiously.  “What are you, an Olympic athlete or something?” she jokes. She has heard that there is an Olympian-turned-firefighter at one of the firehouses in Seattle.

Maya turns red. She is never usually shy with telling people about her gold medal and she’s not sure what it is about this woman that makes her feel coy.

Carina’s face lights up. “Oh my god!” she cries. “You are kidding, no?”

“I won the 10,000 metres at the 2012 Olympics,” Maya says.

“Wow, that’s amazing,” Carina says, clearly impressed. “I only run when I’m being chased.”

Carina winks playfully and revels in the sound of Maya’s laugh. She had come to Joe’s for a quick drink after work, hoping for some light conversation with a colleague, before heading home. She had not planned on spending her evening engrossed in conversation with a hot firefighter but she was glad for it. Maya is interesting, a little hard to read at times but Carina is drawn to her and wants to get to know her better.

“So what made you give up running and become a firefighter?” Carina asks.

“Injury,” Maya answers. “My ankle. I was a distance runner but I wasn’t going to be able to run that far again. Not competitively, at least.”

“And you chose to become a firefighter?”

“It’s physical, and hard work, and important,” Maya says. “I like it.”

“You must be very good at it to be captain,” Carina says.

Maya drops her eyes. She can’t bear to tell her how badly it’s going.

“Are you going to ask me questions all evening or are you going to tell me about you?” she says, changing the subject.

If it’s obvious, Carina doesn’t say anything, she only laughs.

“What do you want to know?” Carina asks, smiling as she tips her head to one side.

“Well, you’re clearly not from around here,” Maya says. She narrows her eyes as she tries to place the accent. “Italian?”

“Si!” Carina says happily.  

“When did you come to America?”

“Three years ago,” Carina answers. “To visit my brother.”

“He lives in Seattle?”

Carina nods. “He is a doctor also, at Grey-Sloan.”

A memory pops up in Maya’s mind. “DeLuca! Of course,” she says. She had thought she had heard that name before.  

“You know him?”

“He was on the scene with us last year when we were looking for a kid in the sewers.” They hadn’t really spoken, but she remembers him. They had been introduced as they stood waiting for the davit to be set up to send the ring down to Max. She frowns. “But wait, why do you sound so Italian and he doesn’t?”

“Our parents split up when we were children. Our Mama left Italy and came to America. She took Andrea with her, but I stayed in Italy with Papa,” Carina explains.  Her tone is matter-of-fact and not unfriendly, but even Maya can tell that it is not a story that Carina wants to dwell on.

“Andrea?” she questions with raised eyebrows.

Carina smiles.  “Andrew,” she corrects herself.

“Do you miss Italy?”

“Oh yes, very much,” Carina says. “The landscape, the beaches, the food, the wine – all of it.” She becomes misty-eyed, smiling fondly as she thinks about her home country. “There is a coffee shop on Jeremy Street that makes its espresso with my favourite Italian beans. It is the only place in Seattle.”

She looks at Maya. “Have you been?”

“To the coffee shop?”

Carina laughs. “No, to Italy.”

“Oh,” Maya says, flushed with embarrassment. “No, I haven’t.”

“One day you must go,” Carina says. “It is beautiful.”

An idea comes to her mind. “Are you hungry?”

“What?” Maya asks, confused.

“Are you hungry?” Carina repeats.

“I… it’s almost ten o’clock,” Maya says.

“So? Come on, let’s go!” Carina says. She grabs her jacket from where it hangs on the next stool and gestures at Maya to follow her.

Maya gapes at her. “Where are you going?”

“We’re going,” Carina corrects her. “You’ll see, come on!”

Maya thinks she’s crazy, yet for some reason she feels compelled to follow her. She throws some money down on the bar as a tip and nods her thanks to the barman, before following Carina outside.

“Where are we going?” she calls out.

“So many questions,” Carina teases her. She stops, reaches out and grabs Maya’s hand, and tugs her along. “Come, bella.”

They don’t walk far, just a couple of blocks, before they reach a small Italian restaurant called Little Roma. From the outside, it doesn’t look like much and not the kind of place that Maya would choose to walk in to. She looks through the window to see that there are only a few patrons left, nursing coffee or a digestivo. 

“Here?” Maya says, taking in the shabby linens and peeling paint.

Carina smiles knowingly. “Trust me.”

They step inside where they are greeted by a waiter. Carina converses with him in Italian and Maya quickly realises that Carina is known to them.

“Maya, this is Luca. Luca, this is Maya,” Carina introduces them.

“Buonasera, signora,” Luca says, with a small bow.

Maya smiles. “Good evening,” she says.

He directs them to a small table in the corner. Carina orders for them, speaking in her native tongue. She talks even faster in Italian than she does in English, and Maya has no idea what to expect when their food comes.

“Why here?” Maya asks curiously when they are left alone.

“It serves the best Italian food in Seattle,” Carina answers.

Maya looks unconvinced.

“Trust me,” Carina says again. She slides her hand across the table and places it over Maya’s, wrapping her fingers around her palm. It’s the smallest of gestures, but Maya feels her skin tingle. She is usually the one in control in these situations, but she is well and truly captured under Carina’s spell.

“You keep saying that,” she says softly.

Carina grins. This is her favourite spot in Seattle and the only place (other than in the company of her brother) that feels like home in this foreign city. She has never shared it with anyone else, least of all a woman she has only known for a couple of hours. She can’t explain why she decided to bring Maya here or why she wants to share a piece of herself with this stranger.

Luca is back quickly, carrying a tray of food and drink. He places two glasses of wine on the table, a Sangiovese, one of Carina’s favourite grapes. Four plates follow.

“Tiramisu, cannoli, panna cotta and bomboloni,” he explains as he places each dish on the table. “Buon appetito!”

Carina takes a sip of her wine, a satisfied smile passing her lips. “Hmm.” She raises her glass. “Cheers!”

Maya reciprocates. “Cheers.”  She looks down at the food between them. “So, which one do you recommend?”

“All of them!” Carina says. “But you should save the tiramisu for last, otherwise the taste of coffee will overpower the others.” She pushes the panna cotta forwards. “Start with this one.”

They tuck into the desserts, an easy conversation flowing between them.

“When I was younger, my Nonna would make cannoli every Sunday after Church,” Carina says, as she sinks her teeth into the crispy shell.

“Nonna is your grandma, right?”

“Si,” Carina says, with a nod of her head. “We would all squeeze into her home – my parents, my brother, our aunts and uncles, our cousins.”

“Do you have a big family?” Maya asked.

“Three aunts, four uncles, nine cousins.”

“Wow!” Maya exclaims.

“Your family is small?”

“I have a brother, Mason, but… we’re not close. My father is an only child, my mom has a sister, my Aunt Bess. She has one child, my cousin, Tom,” Maya says. “I think it sounds great, having such a big family.”

Carina picks up on the wistful tone in her voice and a hint of jealousy.

“Hmm, not when you lose every weekend to babysitting duties,” she laments. She pushes another plate towards her. “Try the bomboloni, they are Andrea’s favourite.”

It doesn’t take them long to polish off the desserts and the wine.

“That was amazing!” Maya declares, sinking back into her chair.

Carina smiles at her smugly. “I told you, best Italian food in the city.”

“And you were right,” Maya admits.

“Then we should come back here for dinner one day,” Carina says.

A date?

Maya feels her walls building up again. She was looking for a bit of self-care, nothing more. Except the thought of a date causes a little flutter in her belly, enough to knock that wall back down a little, and she can’t help but smile. She is just about to accept the invitation when Luca interrupts them.

“Signore, I am sorry, we are closing. The check,” he says, placing it on the table between them.

They both automatically reach for their own purse.

“Please, bella, my gift,” Carina says.

Maya opens her mouth to object, but Carina waves her hand dismissively.

“You can pay for dinner,” she says with a mischievous smile.

She’s not giving up on that date.

“Deal,” Maya says.

Carina pays and they grab their jackets, making their way to the door. Carina calls out her thanks to the chef, falling back into Italian. Luca gives them another small bow as they step outside.

The night is cooler now and Maya feels a shiver down her spine, except she’s not sure if it’s because of the chill in the air or because Carina has her hand on the small of her back, guiding her out onto the sidewalk.  She stops and turns. The whiskey, wine and fresh air makes her head a little woozy, and okay maybe she’s a little bit dizzy from the fact that Carina is so close to her and she is overwhelmed by the scent of her perfume.

“You okay?” Carina asks.

Maya nods. “This was… great,” she says, silently cursing herself for being so inarticulate. “Thank you for bringing me here.”

Carina smiles. “Well, the evening isn’t over yet,” she purrs, closing the gap between their bodies.

She dips her head so that it is only inches away. Maya can smell the coffee and red wine on her breath. Carina murmurs something that she doesn’t quite catch.

“Hmm?”

“Baciami.”

She doesn’t give Maya the chance to ask what it means. She presses her lips against Maya’s, gently at first and quickly becoming more urgent. She runs her tongue over Maya’s lips. Maya is quick to respond, opening her mouth and snaking her tongue around Carina’s. Maya smiles into their kiss as she hears a soft moan. She runs her hands around Carina’s hips and pushes her backwards until her back connects with a nearby lamppost. Carina’s hands are in her hair, her fists curled, giving a gentle tug.

Maya is pretty sure she’s never been kissed like this on a first date before.

Carina is the first to pull away. She’s breathless, her eyes dark with lust.

“My house is only a few blocks away,” she says.

Maya looks at her, her eyes dropping to her lips, still dizzy. She knows how this goes, she’s done it so many times before. She’ll go back to Carina’s house and she’s pretty sure the sex will be amazing. She’ll wake up early the next morning and sneak out before Carina is awake, telling herself that it’s better that way. She hates the awkward conversation the morning after.

It’s tempting, she can’t deny it. Carina is hot and Maya already feels the tension leaving her body under her touch.

Except there’s something in her head telling her that this isn’t the way she wants this to play out. She doesn’t want Carina to be just another night of self-care.  

“I… I have an early shift tomorrow,” she lies.

Carina doesn’t try to hide her disappointment. “Oh.”

She runs her thumb over Maya’s lips and leans in, sinking her teeth into her top lip.

“Are you sure?”

Maya wants to say no, she’s not sure at all, but her head outweighs her heart, and she nods her head dumbly.

Carina looks at her curiously. She’s had all the signs that this evening was going to end differently, and she wonders what it is that is making Maya pull away.

Maya can feel Carina studying her and she doesn’t like it; she doesn’t like it when people try to get inside of her head. She grabs the lapels of Carina’s jacket and pulls her close to distract her with another kiss. It works. She feels Carina’s hands slide around her waist and tug on her hips, pulling her in closer.  They move down over her ass and she feels Carina giggle against her lips.

Before Maya realises what she is doing, Carina swipes her cellphone from her back pocket and slides out of her embrace.

“Hey!” Maya grumbles.

Carina holds the phone out between them. “Open it.”

Maya frowns, confusion on her face. Carina rolls her eyes. “Open it,” she says again.

Maya complies, holding her thumb over the home button. Carina goes straight to her contacts list and types in her name and number.

“Call me, let me know when you’re free for dinner,” she says.

She walks forwards until they are standing shoulder to shoulder. She hands Maya her cellphone before leaving a soft kiss on her cheek.

“Until next time.”

Maya watches her as she walks towards the road, hailing a cab quickly. Her body shivers, missing the warmth that Carina gave her when she was pressed against her. She looks down at her phone and smiles knowing that she has Carina’s number. She thinks about texting her straight away but it feels too desperate, too needy.

It is going to take all her willpower to play this one cool.

Chapter Text

Maya wakes late. It is unusual for her to sleep in these days, her mind always working overtime and keeping her from a proper night’s rest. It’s the first time in a long while that she wakes feeling refreshed and without the weight of her recent promotion resting heavy on her chest. There’s a smile on her face before she even opens her eyes.

Her eyelids flutter and she is immediately blinded by the bright light of her bedroom, so she quickly closes them again. The sun is creeping in through a small crack in the curtains and creates a lightning strike across her bed sheets. She rolls over so that her body lays in its warmth, her face buried deep in the soft pillow beneath her.

Her body starts to wake up slowly. She flexes her feet first before stretching her legs long, followed by the rest of her body. She lets out a contented sigh.

Her mind wanders to last night and her encounter with Carina. She thinks about how a simple curiosity about the bear attack led to a late indulgence of desserts and ended with one hell of a make out session.

Maya isn’t sure she has ever been so captivated by another person before. She is used to being the instigator, the confident one. Except after the weekend camping trip, every ounce of confidence had been beaten out of her with every thud of her feet on the cold, hard ground as she had chased after the ambulance.  Carina had a self-assurance that she envied and it had been easy to be in her company for the evening. She was charming and funny – and not to mention beautiful.

Maya runs her tongue over her lips, remembering how it felt to have Carina’s mouth on hers. There is a little bit of regret in the back of her mind about saying no to Carina’s invitation to go home with her and worry sets in that saying no might have upset her. Not that she showed it, Carina had acted so cool with the way she had stolen her cellphone and typed in her number.

A smile passes over Maya’s lips at the memory. She rolls over onto her back and reaches for her phone, running runs through her contact list until she reaches her name.

Carina DeLuca.

Maya remembers the way her name had rolled off her tongue as Carina introduced herself, the way she smiled, the way her eyes pierced through her. She rolls her own eyes at herself. When did she become this soft?

She opens up her messages and starts to type.

Hey.

That’s it, that’s all she’s got. Everything that comes to mind sounds lame and Maya has more game than that.

An hour later and Maya is showered, dressed and on her way to the hospital. It’s a forty minute walk from her apartment and she takes the route via Jeremy Street. She remembers Carina mentioning a coffee shop, but doesn’t remember its name. There are three coffee shops and of course the one she is looking for is the third one she tries. She orders two cappuccinos, asking especially for the Italian coffee beans, because she figures she might as well see why Carina likes it so much. She pauses just outside the coffee shop and takes a sip from her cup. It’s smooth and bitter – and it’s really good.

Maya quickens her pace to get to the hospital, wanting to deliver the coffee while it’s still hot. As she approaches, she realises she has no idea where to find Carina inside. Most of her visits have been to the emergency room and there have been a few times she has found herself in a surgical waiting room. She doesn’t even know what kind of medicine Carina practices. She curses herself for not asking more questions last night.

She steps inside the pit and immediately into chaos. There are gurneys everywhere, victims of a multi-vehicle accident. She manoeuvres her way to the admissions desk.

“Excuse me,” she says politely to the nurse, “…could you tell me where to find Doctor DeLuca please?”

The nurse tips her head to a side room.  “He’s in with a patient, can I take a message?”

“Oh, I mean the other Doctor DeLuca,” Maya says. “Carina.”

“Are you here for an appointment or is it an emergency?”

“Oh, uh, neither.”

Before Maya can say anything else, the phone starts to ring. The nurse calls out to a nearby doctor – Schmitt? – and asks him to help before answering the call.

“Doctor DeLuca’s office is on the fourth floor,” the young doctor says, guiding her to the elevators and hitting the button for her. “Take a right once you get there, down the corridor, third door on the left. Do you know the sex?”

Maya’s eyes widen. “What?”

“The baby, boy or girl?” Dr Schmitt asks, oblivious to her surprise.

“I… I’m not…”

There is a ping and the elevator door opens. Maya steps inside.

“Well congratulations!” Dr Schmitt says cheerily.

“Thanks,” Maya says dumbly, grateful when the door closes.

She heads straight to the fourth floor, as instructed, and steps out into a much calmer atmosphere. Calm, that is, until she hears a woman screaming in labour in a nearby room.

‘That explains the baby question,’ Maya thinks to herself.

She pauses. Did he say right or left?

It doesn’t matter, she hears Carina before she sees her; the melodic lilt of her Italian accent travelling to her from around the corner. Maya takes a few steps forwards and pauses, looking around the wall. Carina is stood at the nurses’ station, her back to Maya. She is resting against the desk, her head lowered as she flips through a patient’s chart. Her dark hair hangs around her face and Maya watches as she runs her hand through it and lets it fall to one side. Maya can just see her face and she notices how serious Carina looks as she studies the medical records in front of her – so different from the care free woman who took her on a whim to her favourite Italian restaurant within hours of them meeting.

Maya straightens her shoulders and lifts her chest a little, walking over to the nurses’ station with a confident step.

“Hi,” she says, a little too loudly.

Carina looks over her shoulder and immediately smiles when she sees her, spinning around to face her.

“Maya!”

There is something about the way she says her name that makes Maya’s stomach flip.

“What are you doing here?”

“I figured you might want a caffeine fix after staying out so late last night,” Maya says, holding out the coffee cup.

Carina’s face lights up when she sees the familiar name of her favourite coffee shop on the side of the cup.  “My favourite!  You remembered?”

Maya shrugs nonchalantly. “I was paying attention.”

Carina takes a sip of the cappuccino. “Mmm, so good.” She points at Maya’s coffee cup. “You like it?”

“Yeah, you were right, it’s good,” Maya says.

Carina grins cockily. “I’m right about a lot of things.”

Maya is still charmed by her, only without the alcohol running through her blood, she’s a little bit more in control of her reaction and this time she laughs. 

“So you deliver babies, huh” Maya says, gesturing around the labour ward.

“I’m an OBGYN,” Carina says. “Delivering babies is just part of my job. Like putting out fires is only part of your job as a firefighter.” She looks up and down at Maya’s casual appearance. “Speaking of your job, I thought you had work today, no?”

Carina spies her suspiciously and Maya blushes.

“I lied,” Maya admits, the words tumbling out of her mouth before she can stop them.

Carina raises her eyebrows curiously, but doesn’t look surprised. If she was offended by Maya’s admission, it wasn’t apparent.

“I figured I should take you out on a date first.” Maya tips her head to one side. “How about this Friday?”

Carina smiles. “I’m free on Friday. Back to Little Roma, si?”

“Actually, I thought I’d take you to my favourite restaurant in Seattle,” Maya says, stepping forwards and closing the gap between them. “It’s small… dark… never too busy.” She drops her eyes to Carina’s lips, not-so-subtly.  “Perfect for getting to know each other better.”

She looks up again and sees Carina smiling at her, clearly enjoying Maya’s directness.  

“Are you going to tell me the name of this place?” Carina asks.

Maya shakes her head playfully. “It’ll be a surprise.”

A smile teases her lips. Carina isn’t the only one who can be charming.

Carina steps closer so that there is only an inch of space between them and Maya feels her stomach flip again.

“I like surprises,” Carina says softly.

Maya’s eyes drop to her lips again and she thinks about kissing her, except this is Carina’s work and Maya isn’t into public displays of affection. She lets out a frustrated sigh instead.

“Doctor DeLuca, Ms Collins’ chart,” a nurse interrupts from behind the desk.

Carina shoots her an apologetic look and Maya steps backwards reluctantly.

“I should go. You have work to do,” Maya says. “So, Friday?”

“Friday,” Carina says with a resolute nod of her head.

She smiles brightly and, God, Maya wants to kiss her.

“I’ll text you where and when,” Maya says.

“Si, because I don’t actually have your number!”  

Carina crinkles her nose in annoyance, causing Maya to laugh.

“You will soon,” she says, turning on her heel and walking away.

“When?” Carina calls out after her.

“Soon,” Maya says without turning around, disappearing around the corner.

The elevator doors have barely closed before she caves and sends Carina a message.

My number… just in case you want some company on your next break. Maya xx

She taps her phone impatiently, hoping for a quick reply.

So much for playing it cool.  

Chapter Text

Carina stands by the window and watches the snow fall. The severity of Seattle winters is something she has grown accustomed to over the last three years, but she has never seen it this thick and it fascinates her

Snow in Italy is rare, except for in the mountains, even on the coldest of winter days. She had been eight years old the first time she had seen snow, an impromptu trip to Milan in December with her aunt and cousins. Her mom had left for America with her brother just a few months earlier and, with Christmas looming, Carina’s aunt had wanted to treat her.

Carina still remembers the contrast between the bright white snow and the coloured fairy lights that adorned every shop window. She remembers standing outside the Duomo, ignoring the tourists who were intent on only seeing the magnificent cathedral through the lens of their cameras, and tilting her head upwards, watching the snow fall thick and fast. It had seemed so magical to her. Snowflakes had landed in her hair and on her eyelashes. She had opened her mouth and let it fall on her tongue, her first taste.

There is still a magic to it, all these years later.

Carina’s phone buzzes in her pocket and she extracts it, her face lighting up when she sees Maya’s name. The snow had dashed their plans for a first date. Last night’s dinner had been postponed until today, but with the snow still falling fast and both of them stuck at work dealing with emergencies, they had put it off for a few days. Carina was disappointed. They had been exchanging flirty messages all week and she had been looking forward to seeing where the evening was going to lead this time.

Carina opens the message.

Hey. Got time for a call? I’ve got a woman in labor and no way of getting her to the hospital.

Carina immediately dials her number.

“Hey,” Maya greets her warmly.

Carina hears her footsteps and then the click of a door closing.

“How’s it going where you are?”

“Busy,” Carina laments. “But we’re in control. What about you?”

“Chaos!” Maya says with a laugh. “It feels like half the city has come for shelter at the station.”

“And now you have a mama in labor?”

“JJ – she’s the girlfriend of one of my team,” Maya says.

“Have her waters broken?”

“Yes,” Maya answers. “All over the beanery floor.”

“How far apart are contractions?”

“Nine minutes.”

“How is she feeling?”

“Grumpy. Begging for an epidural,” Maya says. “But okay, I think.”

“It sounds like you’ve got a while to go,” Carina notes. “If she’s uncomfortable, try running her a warm shower. It should help her relax. It can also help to squeeze her hips during contractions to counter-balance the pain.”

“Okay, great, thanks,” Maya says.

Carina hears her let out a long sigh.

“Maya, are you okay?”

Maya pauses, the awkward conversation with Andy playing on her mind. “Just a lot going on,” she says eventually. “And I’m disappointed that we had to cancel dinner again tonight. I was looking forward to taking you out.”

Carina smiles. “Me too. And you still haven’t told me where you’re taking me!”

“I told you, it’s a surprise,” Maya teases.

She laughs when she hears a frustrated grumble from Carina. On Maya’s end, there’s a knock on the door and a low voice calling her away.

“I’d better go. Thanks for the advice.”

“Any time,” Carina says. “Call me if you have any more questions. Or, you know, if you want a distraction from the chaos.”

That makes Maya smile. “I’ll do that.”

They say goodbye and Carina turns back towards the window, although her mind is distracted from the snow.

“What’s got you grinning like a Cheshire cat?” comes a voice from behind her.

She turns to see Bailey watching her curiously.

“Nothing,” she says dismissively. She knows Maya works with Ben and figures she doesn’t want their – well, whatever they are – being the subject of gossip. “How can I help you, Doctor Bailey?”

“I could do with a consult in the pit, pregnant woman with abdominal pains,” Bailey says, thrusting a chart into Carina’s hands and turning on her heel, walking away and expecting Carina to follow.

* * * * * * * * * *

It’s two hours later when Carina hears from Maya again, this time a Facetime call grabbing her attention away from the chart she is reviewing.

“Bella!” Carina greets her with a wide smile. “How’s it going?”

Maya groans. “I don’t know how you do this every day.”

Carina laughs. “I’m happy to see your face,” she says fondly.

She is sure she can see Maya blushing.

“How’s the mama?”

“She’s okay. We tried the shower thing and Andy found her a yoga ball to sit on, but she’s still begging for an epidural,” Maya says. “She’s in so much pain and there’s nothing we can do about it.”

Carina twists her lips thoughtfully, capturing Maya’s attention.

“You have an idea?”

“I do,” Carina says. “Masturbation.”

Maya almost drops her phone. “What?”

“Masturbation,” Carina says matter-of-factly.

Maya doesn’t say anything, but simply stares at her dumbfounded.

“Maya?”

Maya shakes her head vaguely. “What?”

Carina chuckles. “You know that blissed out feeling you have after orgasm?”

Yes, Maya is definitely blushing now.

“We commonly use synthetic oxytocin to induce labor when a mama is having a hard time,” Carina explains, “but our bodies create it naturally when we orgasm. I have seen a lot of women benefit from masturbation to relieve the pain of contractions and bring on delivery.”

“Right,” Maya says, because she doesn’t really know what to say.

“Trust me, Maya, it works. If JJ is struggling, it might help her.”

“Okay. I just… I’m not sure how I’m going to bring that up,” Maya muses.

Carina laughs again, as Maya shakes her head with amusement.

“You’ll figure it out. You’re doing good, Maya. It’s just a waiting game,” Carina assures her. “Basically, if mama’s relaxed and if you’re relaxed, there is really nothing to be done. Let nature do what it does.”

“Right, but I’m not relaxed at all,” Maya confesses. “And neither is she.”

Carina grins. “Don’t you run into burning buildings for a living?”

“Yes but I’m usually not running into burning buildings that have babies flying out of vaginas in them,” Maya says, as she swivels on her chair.

Carina laughs. “Well, first of all, babies don’t fly out, they slowly slide out and it is perfectly natural and beautiful – especially if you stay calm,” she reiterates.

Maya spins her chair again. “So, like, turn up the Enya?”

“Turn up the Enya, yes,” Carina says. “And Maya, I don’t know you all that well yet but it is plain to see that you’re excellent at everything you put your mind to - gold medals and fire captains and…”

“I’m good at a lot of things,” Maya interrupts flirtatiously.

“I have no doubt,” Carina says, becoming a little flustered. “Um, you can do this. I’m not worried about you or the mama.”

“Can I call you later and not talk about babies?” Maya says pointedly.

Carina enjoys her directness. “You can call me any time and talk about anything you want.”

Maya laughs.

It is Carina who is interrupted this time. A knock on the door draws her gaze away from the phone and she looks up to see Meredith peering in.

“Have you heard from Andrew?”

Carina frowns. “Isn’t he here at the hospital?”

The sombre expression on Meredith’s face tells her that something is wrong. She turns back to her phone.

“Maya, I have to go.” She paints a reassuring smile on her face. “You’ll be fine. Good luck and message me if you need me.”

She hangs up and follows Meredith out of the room, a heavy feeling in her stomach.

* * * * * * * * * *

Carina rolls her head in her neck, and sighs deeply. She has a backlog of charts to review and no inclination to do it. It’s late, her eyelids are heavy, and the couch in her office looks inviting. Except she knows that sleep won’t come easy tonight, her head too full of worry about her brother.

Andrew is resting upstairs, dozy from the heavy painkillers that Jackson has prescribed. He has been drifting in and out of a slumber for several hours and she prays that he will sleep. She feels helpless as she watches him decline. Their father was the same, always refusing to listen to Carina’s pleas to get help, just as Andrew had this afternoon. She had come to America for this reason, to be here for this moment, but even though she had seen it come, she still doesn’t feel prepared for it. Forcing help on him is the last resort she wants to rely on.

She picks up a chart from the top of the pile and opens it, hoping it will distract her. The letters are jumbled and she rubs her forehead wearily.

“Hey.”

Carina looks up to see Maya leaning against the door. Despite her exhaustion, Carina is happy to see her. She musters up the brightest smile that she can, hoping to match it with enthusiasm.

“Maya! You’re here late?”

“We had a call to retrieve a stranded bus. Some idiot thought that they could get through the snow,” Maya says, rolling her eyes. “There were a few minor injuries and it was a good excuse to stop by and see you.” She takes a step inside. “I’ve just been to see JJ and the baby, and one of the nurses told me I could find you here.”

The truth is, Maya had jumped at the excuse to get out of the station. The news about Pruitt’s cancer was weighing on her and, with the number of people seeking shelter at the station, there was nowhere to hide. The fact that the trip involved a visit to the hospital where Carina was working was an added bonus.

“I’m glad you did,” Carina says, standing up and walking around her desk, leaning against its hard edge.

Her eyes sweep up and down Maya’s body, realising that the distraction she needs is standing right in front of her. She holds out her hand. Maya slides her hand into it and allows Carina to tug her closer, her body falling between her legs. Carina slips her hands inside her coat and pushes it off her shoulders, letting it fall to the floor. Carina’s lips find Maya’s immediately, her kiss desperate. Maya gets the feeling there is something behind it, but she doesn’t have chance to question it before Carina’s hands are sliding around her waist and pulling her hips closer. Carina feels a bolt of electricity shoot through her as their bodies crash together. Maya moans as Carina slips her tongue into her mouth, deepening the kiss.

Carina feels the serotonin running through her body, her muscles relaxing under Maya’s touch as she runs her hands around her shoulders. Maya’s lips are soft, her kisses gentle, and she urges Carina to soften her embrace.  

“Are you okay?” Maya asks when they finally break apart.

Maya looks at her. Her eyes are kind, her features soft, and there’s a part of Carina that wants to fall apart right there. Except they haven’t even had a proper date and she doesn’t want to be that person. So, she doesn’t answer. Instead, she cups Maya’s face with her hand and runs her finger over her lips, pulling her closer once more. All she needs right now is a distraction.

“Baciami.”

Chapter Text

Carina runs her fingers through her hair and curses under her breath. A last minute emergency c-section means that she no longer has time to go home in between work and dinner, which means that the dress she had picked out for her first official date with Maya would remain hanging up in her bedroom at home. At least she keeps a few spare outfits at the hospital just in case, although they are better suited to work than a date with a hot firefighter. Still, at least she’s not stuck with the same shirt she’s been wearing since 8.00am. She picks out a deep purple top with a plunging neckline and loose sleeves that bunch at her wrists. She tucks it into her pants to accentuate her slim waist and brushes her hair back over her shoulders.

She still has no idea where Maya is taking her or if her outfit is appropriate for her choice of restaurant, and she hopes she isn’t underdressed (or overdressed) for the occasion.  

Her phone pings with a message from Maya.

In a cab, be there in five minutes.

Carina grabs her purse and jacket, and makes her way outside, avoiding the nurses’ station and any more distractions. She has been looking forward to this evening.  It has been two weeks since she had met Maya at Joe’s and, with the snow now melted, she isn’t prepared to risk their date being delayed any more.

Spring is on its way, but while the days are warming up, the evenings are still chilly and Carina slips her jacket on before she goes outside. She isn’t waiting long before a taxicab pulls up and Maya steps out. Her eyes sweep up and down, taking in Carina’s appearance, and she smiles.

“You look great,” Maya says.

Maya holds the car door open for her and Carina is endeared by the chivalry. She walks towards the cab and pauses by Maya’s side.

“Are you going to tell me where we’re going?” Carina asks.

“You’ll see,” Maya answers. She tilts her head towards the car, inviting Carina to get in.

Carina narrows her eyes, but smiles, and drops a gentle kiss on her cheek. “You look great, too.”

She laughs as she gets into the car. She knows she’s charming and she intends on reminding Maya of that every chance she gets if it means the evening will end differently this time.

They make small talk in the cab, mostly about Carina’s day at work and Maya’s disastrous attempt at making banana bread on her day off, until they arrive at their destination. Maya pays the cab driver as Carina takes in her choice of restaurant, The Everest.

As Maya steps out of the cab, Carina looks at her curiously.

“Here?”

“Here,” Maya says with a smile. “Come on.”

They are directed to a table along the wall, a small booth where they sit side-by-side on a curved cushioned seat. The restaurant is darkly lit and a candle burns on their table. Paintings hang on every wall and they are draped with materials of dark reds and deep purples and warm greens. It’s cosy and romantic, and Carina feels immediately relaxed after a hectic day at work.

“This is your favourite restaurant in Seattle?”

Maya nods. “The food’s pretty great, but mostly it reminds me of a different time in my life,” she says.

Carina is curious to know why and she looks at Maya expectantly, waiting for her to continue.

“It was the year after I’d won the gold medal. I knew I couldn’t compete any more because of my ankle but I didn’t know what I was going to do instead. I guess I was a little lost. I had some money from some sponsorship deals and winning, so I went to Nepal for a month, did some travelling.”

“Did you climb the mountain?” Carina says, picking up the menu and gesturing to the picture of Mount Everest on the front.

“Only as far as base camp,” Maya said. “It was amazing. It was hard but I can still remember how it felt to have all that fresh air in my lungs, and to feel miles away from everyone and everything. It made me want to pack up and travel the world.”

“And did you?”

Maya’s smile is tinged with sadness. “No. My parents – my dad – wanted me to focus on a career. I went home and picked firefighting, and did just that. Focussed on my work.” She shakes off her sadness and smiles brightly. “And now I’m a fire captain.”

Carina looks at her and opens her mouth as if she’s going to say something, but their waiter chooses that moment to return and the moment is gone.

“May I take your order?”

They study the menu and order a selection of dishes between them together with a bottle of red wine. Maya learns that Carina stopped eating meat when she was six years old and realised that the beef in her Nonna’s lasagne came from cows. She had a fondness for the cattle in the nearby field and had been distraught for weeks. Growing up near the sea, she admits that she has never been able to give up fish or seafood. Maya makes a mental note to try out the new seafood restaurant near the port that was getting rave reviews (because she is already counting on a second date).

Carina learns that Maya’s favourite food is tacos, which makes Carina roll her eyes because tacos are basic and have no flare or skill, but Maya loves them because you can fill them with anything and so they never get boring. She resolves to invite Carina round for dinner and show her what she’s missing (because she wants a third date too).

The waiter soon returns with their wine and a selection of appetizers.

“You know, if you want to taste good food, you should go to South America,” Carina says, as she tucks into another prawn. “The best seafood I’ve ever had was in Chile.”

“Have you travelled a lot?” Maya asks.

Carina nods. “I love it. The world is so big and fascinating, don’t you think?”

Her eyes sparkle as she talks, lighting up her face, and Maya can’t help but get lost in them for a moment.

“I guess,” Maya says eventually. “I just haven’t done much of it, except for Nepal. And London, for the Olympics, but most of my time there was spent on the running track.”

“Well, you should,” Carina says.

Maya smiles. Carina makes it sound so simple, so possible. “To South America?”

“Everywhere! There’s so much to see,” Carina answers. “Tell me, Maya, if you could jump on a plane tomorrow, where would you go?”

“Oh, anywhere,” Maya says wistfully, thinking about the bucket list of countries that she has always wanted to visit. “Thailand, Paris, Japan…”

“Italy?” Carina teases.

Maya laughs. “Italy, yeah. But only if you agree to be my tour guide.”

She tips her head and smiles teasingly as she waits for Carina’s reply. Carina returns her smile.

“Bella, it would be my pleasure,” she says, leaning closer until their shoulders touch. “I know all the best places to take you. The quietest spots, the most secluded beaches.”

Maya’s cheeks flush pink as she wills herself to come up with a witty reply when all she really wants to do is kiss her, and she isn’t sure if she’s annoyed or grateful for the interruption from the waiter who chooses that moment to clear their table.

“So, how is your brother?” Maya asks, a little tentatively.

She doesn’t know much about what happened, except that Andrew got caught in the snow storm fetching a liver for an urgent organ transplant. There was something about the way Carina had looked that day in her office that concerned her and Maya gets the feeling there was more to the story than Carina has shared with her. She looks kindly at Carina, hoping she realises that she can be trusted with whatever is weighing on her heart.

Carina’s smile falters a little and she doesn’t try to mask it this time.

“He’s okay. His hands are healing, thanks to Jackson. He, uh, he has some other things that he’s dealing with,” Carina admits. “I’m trying to help him with that.”

She doesn’t elaborate and Maya doesn’t try to push her. It is their first date, after all.

“He’s lucky to have you nearby,” Maya says. She means it. She can’t help but think about her own brother, out there somewhere, probably on the streets with no-one to look out for him – a guilt that weighs on her all the time.

Carina twists her lips. “I’m not so sure about that,” she says. She thinks of the persistent bickering and frustration of the last week, and the constant feeling that she’s not doing enough, that she’s not a good enough sister.

“You’re here,” Maya says. She reaches out and takes Carina’s hand in hers, their fingers entwining, and she squeezes her hand comfortingly. “When you could be anywhere in the world, you chose to come here. I think that says a lot about who you are, and how much you care.”

Carina blinks back tears, obviously touched by the compliment. “Thank you.” Her tone switches to something more playful, but she doesn’t let go of Maya’s hand. “You may think differently when I finally kill him for always leaving his dirty dishes in the sink.”

Maya laughs. “It’s not going so well having him stay with you, huh?”

“No,” Carina says, shaking her head. “I love him but he drives me crazy.”

“Well… maybe a night away from him would be good for you.”

Carina’s eyebrows shoot upwards. “Are you propositioning me, Maya?” she asks with amusement.

“Yes,” Maya answers, no hint of teasing in her voice. She knows exactly how she wants this evening to end and hopes that Carina feels the same.

Carina understands the not-so-subtle hint and grins. She lifts her free hand and runs her finger along Maya’s jawline, tucking it under her chin. She places a soft kiss on Maya’s lips, smiling against her mouth. She tastes of spice and red wine, and there’s a part of Carina that wants to skip the rest of dinner and go home to Maya’s place right now. The words are about to tumble out of her mouth, but she is interrupted by the return of their waiter who delivers their dinner and she figures she’s just going to have to be patient.

The rest of their date is full of tales from their childhoods.

Carina learns that Maya broke her arm when she was ten years’ old after jumping off her bed and kicking her legs in the air, because she was obsessed with Sporty Spice and used to play the Spiceworld movie on repeat – much to the annoyance of her younger brother.

Maya learns that Carina ran away from home when she was six years’ old because her Mamma wouldn’t let her dress her barbie doll in boy clothes and she was outraged by the enforced stereotypes. 

Maya confesses that her first concert was Britney Spears and she still has her tour t-shirt at home somewhere – not that it fits any more.

Carina admits that she had a crush on her classmate, Matteo, when she was thirteen years old, and had got a job cleaning dishes at the bakery near his house on Saturdays because she knew he went there every weekend with his Papa.

They tell stories of their first kiss and first heartbreak, of first jobs and worst hangovers. Maya shares stories of some of their craziest rescues, while Carina keeps the mood light with the story of the young woman who visited her boyfriend in prison with a gun in her vagina.

The evening passes quickly and they are soon presented with the check.

“Hey, my turn, remember?” Maya says as Carina reaches for her purse.

“Okay,” Carina says in defeat. “Next time, I’ll take you to Enzo’s. Their risotto is almost as good as my Nonna’s.”

Maya feels her heart flutter at the thought of another date – which is so unlike her, but so much of how she feels when she is in Carina’s company is so unlike her and she’s getting used to it. She wonders sometimes what the team at 19 would think if they could see her like this, but they’re not exactly on good terms. It feels strange to have this huge thing going on in her life that they have no idea about.

Maya pushes those thoughts aside, not wanting her problems at work to ruin her good mood. She settles the bill and they walk outside into the cold night air.

Carina turns towards her, wrapping her jacket tighter to insulate her body. “So…”

She doesn’t want to be presumptive but is really hoping Maya’s invitation is still open.

“So…” Maya repeats, “…come home with me?”

Carina nods, barely hesitating before slipping her hands around Maya’s waist and pulling her close. She kisses her, not bothering to hide how much she wants her. She feels impatient and grumbles when Maya wriggles out of her grasp. Maya snickers at her frustration, stepping up to the road and hailing them a cab. Truth is, she feels just as impatient and is desperate to get home, to the privacy of her apartment. She gives the driver her address and slides into the backseat beside Carina.

Maya doesn’t know how she keeps her hands to herself in the back of the cab. All she can think about is that kiss, her mind wandering to what it will feel like to have Carina’s body pressed against hers; Carina’s hands slipping underneath her shirt and brushing against her skin; Carina’s lips on her neck and her teeth sinking into her skin.

She licks her lips instinctively and she’s sure she hears Carina chuckle. Carina’s hand is resting ever-so-slightly against her leg, and how every now and again she will edge it up her thigh, as if silently teasing her. Maya dares to look at her. It is dark, except for the intermittent glow of the street lamps that highlights her face. Maya feels a shift in her body and she’s pretty sure she is about to jump her in the back of the cab when it pulls up outside her apartment block.

Maya pulls twenty dollars out of her purse, thanks the driver and steps out of the cab where Carina is waiting for her on the sidewalk. The cold night air brings her out of her reverie, just enough to add a little swagger to her step as she closes the gap between their bodies. She can feel Carina’s warm breath on her skin, the smell of coffee lingering in the air between them.

Maya smiles. “It’s cold, we should go inside.”

She brushes past Carina as she walks towards the door, the physical contact having the desired effect when she sees Carina’s breath hitch. She grabs Carina’s hand and pulls her to follow.

Carina follows willingly. The elevator takes forever to arrive and Carina feels impatience building up inside of her once again. She can’t take her eyes off Maya, who smirks at her obvious thirst.

When the elevator doors open, Maya steps in first and leans against the back wall. Carina follows. She is just about to pin her against the railings when a man suddenly appears and steps inside. A low grumble escapes from Carina’s mouth as she spins round and smiles politely at him, causing Maya to giggle. If the man heard her, he doesn’t acknowledge it. He simply nods at Maya.

“Ms Bishop.”

Maya smiles back at him. “Hey Joe.”

The man – Joe – leans against the side wall of the elevator, looking forwards. Begrudgingly, Carina takes a step towards the other side, making space between them all, but Maya catches her belt and encourages her to shuffle backwards so that Maya is lightly pressed up against her back. Carina sinks her teeth into her bottom lip as Maya’s hands run over her hips and rest on her ass.

It takes what feels like forever for the elevator to reach the third floor, where Joe exits. As the doors close again, Carina spins around on the spot, each hand resting on the railings either side of Maya’s body.

“You’re a tease,” Carina says, her eyes narrowing.

Maya smirks. “Says you.”

She slips her hands around Carina’s waist and tugs her hips closer, leaning in to capture her in another kiss.  Maya’s hands grip Carina’s top, pulling it loose so that she can find bare skin. She slips her hands underneath the delicate fabric and up her back, digging her fingertips into Carina’s skin. Carina groans into their kiss,

The elevator pings as they hit the sixth floor and they stumble out into the corridor, hands still exploring and lips still searching for each other. Maya guides them down the hallway to her front door.

“Need… find… keys,” she mumbles against Carina’s mouth.

She pulls back slightly, digging her hands into her pockets to retrieve her keys. Losing her mouth, Carina’s lips travel across Maya’s jawline and down her neck. Maya wants to tell her to be careful, she doesn’t want to have to explain any marks to her team tomorrow, but there is something about the way Carina nips and bites at her skin that she can’t get enough of. She turns around and fumbles with her keys as she tries to open the door, distracted as Carina sweeps her hair away from her shoulder and continues the assault on her neck, her hands resting unceremoniously on her ass.

For the first time in weeks, Maya is glad that Andy moved out, knowing that the apartment will be theirs without interruption.

The door opens and they fall breathlessly inside. Maya kicks the door closed and immediately bolts it. Carina’s hands are on her before she has chance to offer her a drink, her fingers making quick work of unbuttoning Maya’s shirt. It is soon hanging loose and Carina’s hands are roaming her body freely, discovering every curve and every dimple. She lets Maya walk them down the corridor except her impatience is out of control now and she can’t help but push Maya up against the wall, desperate to close the gap between their bodies. Carina kisses her deeply, before her lips make their descent down Maya’s neck, pausing every now and again when she finds a sweet spot. Her knee travels up Maya’s thigh and she smiles against her skin when she hears Maya moan happily, feels the firefighter’s fingernails rake against her scalp before she grabs fistfuls of her hair.

Maya tugs at her hair until Carina lifts her head so that their lips can meet again. She feels Maya pulling at her top and loosens her grip of Maya’s body, allowing Maya to pull it off her body.

“Fuck,” Maya says, the word falling out of her mouth as her eyes sweep up and down Carina’s body. She blushes with embarrassment.

Carina rests both hands against the wall, either side of Maya’s shoulders, and leans in close until her nose rests against Maya’s. Their frantic movements ease for a moment as they take each other in. Maya runs her hand over Carina’s stomach, her skin soft to touch.

“God, you’re hot,” Maya says breathlessly.

Carina grins. “Says you,” she says, catching Maya’s bottom lip between her teeth and biting down gently.

“What’s Italian for ‘come to bed with me’?”

“Vieni a letto con me,” Carina answers. She says something else in Italian and Maya has no idea what it means, but it sounds sexy and the way Carina is looking at her make her legs go weak.

She cups her hands around Carina’s face and kisses her gently. Her skin tingles and she can’t wait any longer. She pushes herself forwards and grabs Carina’s hand, dragging her into the bedroom. Carina’s body is pressed against her back, her hands around her waist, fingers digging into her abs. She whispers in Italian into Maya’s ear, her voice low and sultry. Maya spins in her arms, her lips searching desperately for Carina’s.

She’s pretty sure she’s never going to get tired of kissing this woman.

Chapter Text

Maya jumps off the engine and makes her way towards her office, keen to dump her gear and get into the gym to shake off the frustrations of their last call, only she is stopped in her tracks by Andy’s constant sniping.

“Everything is the Captain’s fault, good or bad. That’s the job. The job you wanted, the job you fought for, the job you took!” Andy spits bitterly.

Maya’s had enough and spins around. “That’s right, it’s the job I took!” she shoots back, her voice raising in retaliation.

She looks around at the team, anger bubbling to the surface. “You have all been disrespectful and insubordinate. You have questioned every single one of my decisions which cost us lives and cost us time.”

Maya turns her eyes on Andy. “You don’t like that I’m your boss now, request a transfer.” She looks back at the team. “But every single one of you needs to get in line or get the hell out of my station, are we clear?”

Silence falls as they all take in her words and Maya waits for the fall out.

Vic is the first one to respond. “Yes Captain,” she says. She actually looks impressed.

Travis and Jack follow in their acquiescence. Maya looks at Andy, who nods in defeat.

“Herrera, contact Rigo’s wife.”

Maya knows it’s the coward’s way out to get one of her team to do it, but she’s feeling spiteful after Andy’s attack.

“Gibson, try to get me an update. The rest of you, get back to work!” she barks before making her way to her office.

Maya pushes the door closed with force and shuts the blinds, her hands shaking as she pulls the cord. Her heart is beating fast and she inhales deeply, trying to steady her breath. She lets out a quiet groan of frustration, closing her eyes and resting her forehead on the cool glass.

How did her day start off so good and end so badly?  This morning she had woken up with Carina’s body curled up against her; her breath warm on her neck and her hand resting on her thigh as she slept. Maya thinks about that first morning kiss that quickly turned into something more, not even bothering to rid themselves of their tank tops before Carina had disappeared under the sheets.

Twelve hours later and that feeling of ecstasy has gone. Her shoulders are tense, her body full of anger and annoyance, and she feels a sharp pain travel up her neck and into her head. She rubs her temples, willing the headache to go away.

She hates this. She hates the distance between herself and the team. They are supposed to be her friends, and okay, she fought for this job, but it was Sullivan’s decision, not hers. All she wants is to be able to do her job and do it well. She can do it well. Why can’t they understand that?

Maya pushes herself away from the door and goes to her desk. She forgoes her visit to the station gym, preferring to hide away in her office for a while. She turns her attention to paperwork instead, knowing that she needs to write up a report about the accident but moving it to end of her task list anyway. She hears murmurings outside as the team carry out their chores and Maya feels on edge waiting for another call, knowing that the next engine ride is going to be even more awkward than the last one. 

Peace eventually falls on the station. Only the PRT is called out and it goes quiet as everyone retreats to their own space. Maya stays at her desk, glad for the solitary confinement of the captain’s office, until a knock on the door interrupts her. She looks up just as Carina walks in to her office, happy and breezy – a far cry from Maya’s own mood.

“Hi,” Carina greets her warmly.

Maya frowns. “What are you doing here?”

Carina closes the door behind her and walks towards the desk. “I saw Warren at the hospital and he said it was a tough day, so… I brought you lasagna.”

She opens the lid to the Tupperware she’s carrying, grinning proudly; except her sweet gesture doesn’t have the desired effect as Maya feels her body tense up again.

What exactly had Warren told her? That she’s failing? That it was her fault Vasquez got hurt? That her team hate her and her best friend isn’t talking to her?

“You can’t just come to my work,” Maya says roughly, walking out from behind her desk.

“Warren just said…”

Maya feels her body go rigid. “Carina, you’re hot, but all we did was hook up. I don’t need a girlfriend,” she says cruelly.

Carina is visibly taken aback. “Wow. Okay, um…”

Maya can see that she is hurt and immediately regrets her harsh words, but her stubbornness stops her from saying anything.

“My apologies,” Carina says sadly, her shoulders dropping in disappointment. “It was nice meeting you then.”

Maya watches as Carina turns and walks toward the door. She knows this mistake is going to cost her, she knows that if Carina walks out of the door it will be the end of… whatever this relationship is going to be. Maya doesn’t know where this is going, but she knows it’s different from all her previous relationships and she knows that she doesn’t really want Carina to go. She feels something shift inside of her and races to the door, pushing it closed before Carina can leave.

“I’m sorry,” she says. “I’m…”

“Rude?” Carina chides, clearly pissed.

Maya looks up at her. She feels small, and not just because Carina is wearing heels while she’s in her work shoes. Carina deserves better. Maya knows she can be an ass sometimes. She knows those walls that she has built up during her life stop her from letting people in. She doesn’t like to be vulnerable and she doesn’t like to need people; but the truth is, right now she needs someone on her side and, she’ll admit, Maya likes the thought of having Carina on her side.

“Broken,” she admits.

Carina pauses and Maya wonders if her apology is enough to get her to stay, but Carina pushes back.

“I’m not in the habit of fixing broken people,” she says, turning away from Maya to leave.

Maya’s heart sinks, defeated by her own stupidity. She opens the door for Carina. As much as she wants to beg her to stay, she isn’t going to put herself through the humiliation she knows she would deserve.

“I understand,” she says.

She is surprised when Carina hesitates. Maya looks up at her again, her eyes pleading with her to stay, even if the words don’t come. Her heart swells when Carina closes the door.

“Vieni qua,” Carina murmurs, wrapping her hand around the back of Maya’s head and pulling her in for a kiss.

It’s a soft, slow kiss – so different from the frenzy of kisses last night and this morning. Maya’s hands slip around Carina’s waist, pulling her hips closer as she walks her backwards and presses her up against the bookshelf. She has to lift herself on to the balls of her feet to contend against Carina’s high heels.

“That lasagna smells almost as good as you,” Maya says teasingly, wanting to lighten the mood.

It causes Carina to laugh and just the sound causes Maya to smile, something that only the Italian woman can seem to coax out of her these days. 

“Does it?” Carina says through a giggle, nipping at Maya’s lips before pulling her in for another kiss. Her thumbs caress her jawline before moving south and tugging at the buttons of Maya’s shirt until it hangs loose and her chest is exposed. Her lips make their down Maya’s neck and along her collarbone, her hands running over her shoulders and down her back. She spins their bodies so that Maya is pressed up against the glass, and closes the gap between them.

“I’m at work, you know,” Maya says, although she doesn’t pull away. In fact, she feels her body start to relax for the first time all day.

“Hmm.”

Maya’s hands make their way into Carina’s hair and she curls her fingers, grabbing fistfuls of dark locks and bringing Carina’s mouth up to meet hers. She feels an aching run through her body, desperate for the tenderness that Carina offers her, and moans softly as Carina leans her body weight into her once more. She feels Carina smile against her mouth and kisses her harder until they break apart breathlessly.

Carina’s eyes sweeping over Maya’s face. She sees the frown lines that linger on her forehead and her good mood fades a little, pursing her lips with concern. “Do you want to tell me about your day?” she asks tentatively, uncertain of what sort of reaction she might get.

Maya drops her gaze and shakes her head.

“You don’t wanna hear that,” she says dismissively.

“I asked, didn’t I?” Carina says. She tugs at Maya’s hips, encouraging her to share.

Maya lets out a heavy sigh and wriggles out of Carina’s grasp. She’s not very good at this, it’s alien to her to share how she’s feeling with anyone except her closest friends and especially not someone she’s only just met. Exposing herself to another person has always felt like a risk. Except when she looks back at Carina, who is watching her curiously, her usual instinct to push her away isn’t there. Instead, she walks over to her desk and perches on the edge, taking a deep breath before she talks.

“Jack slept with Rigo’s wife and they got into a fight last week when Rigo found out. I knew that Rigo was still pissed and I should have separated them, I should have stopped them from working together, but I didn’t. They told me that they could work together and I believed them.” She shakes her head in frustration. “They got into an argument on a call this afternoon and a gas cylinder exploded. And now Rigo’s in the hospital.”

“Is it bad?” Carina asks.

Maya nods. She looks up at Carina and rolls her eyes. “I’m such an idiot.”

Carina frowns. “It’s not your fault, Maya,” she says.

“I’m the Captain, it’s my responsibility,” Maya says, echoing Andy’s words from earlier.  She had told Andy that she stands by her decision, and she does – but that doesn’t stop her from feeling guilty.

Carina walks over to Maya and leans back against the desk beside her, their shoulders brushing together.

“Men are stupid,” Carina says, so matter-of-factly that it cracks a smile on Maya’s face. “The only people responsible for Jack and Rigo getting into a fight are Jack and Rigo. They’re adults, there was nothing stupid about trusting them.”

Maya looks up at her. Carina’s words aren’t enough to rid Maya of her guilt, but she feels calmer in her presence than she has all day. 

“I’m glad you didn’t leave,” Maya says.

Carina smiles. “Me too.”

Maya’s eyes drop to Carina’s lips, still a little swollen from their make out session, and oh-so inviting. She sees the door over Carina’s shoulder and thinks about pulling her into the Captain’s bunk, except her empty stomach ruins the moment by gurgling loudly. Maya rolls her eyes when Carina giggles.

“Come on, let me give you a tour on the way to the beanery,” Maya says. She slides off the desk and wavers as she thinks about grabbing Carina’s hand in hers, but she doesn’t know who they will meet around the station and isn’t ready for those kind of questions from the team just yet; instead, she grabs the discarded Tupperware and tilts her head towards the door.

Carina follows her out into the reception area and into the vehicle bay. She is engaged and interested as Maya shows her around, and Maya can’t figure out if she is genuinely interested or just being polite, but it is endearing all the same. No-one is around, which appeases her because she’s not in the mood for any more friction and still isn’t ready to admit to Carina that she’s making a mess of her job.

“Fire stations really have poles?” Carina says with amusement as they pass the firepole.

“Wanna try?” Maya asks with a teasing glint in her eye.

Carina digs her teeth into her bottom lip and glances at the pole, obviously tempted. Maya grins and rests her hand on Carina’s back, nudging her towards the pole.

“There’s no-one around,” she teases, inching closer and pressing her lips to Carina’s ears. “All you’ve got to do is wrap your legs around it. And I know you’re good at that.”

“Captain Bishop!”

Maya laughs. “Go on, try it. Just don’t grip it too tight with your hands.”

Carina has a skip in her step as she launches herself on to the fire pole. Maya laughs incredulously as she slides down to the ground effortlessly. Gripping the rails, she leans over and looks down at where Carina has landed.

“You look like you’ve done that before!” Maya calls down.

Carina laughs and makes her way back up the stairs to where Maya waits for her.

“That was fun,” Carina says buoyantly.

“Want to go again?”

Carina tilts her head to one side and studies Maya. “Hmm, I think I’d rather be wrapping my legs around you instead.”

Maya isn’t sure if it’s her confidence or the lilt of her Italian accent, but every time Carina says something flirtatious, she becomes flustered. “Okay, maybe let’s eat first.”

“Is that a promise?”

They make their way into the beanery, where Carina takes charge of heating up the lasagna, affronted by the idea of using the microwave which she insists will ruin it. They settle at the table, one plate and two forks between them.

“This is vegetarian, right?” Maya asks, remembering Carina’s story from their date last night.

“Si, of course,” Carina says. “My Nonna’s recipe, it’ll be the best thing you’ve ever tasted.”

Maya smirks. “I’m not so sure about that,” she says. It’s Carina’s turn to get flustered and Maya laughs as her cheeks flush bright red.

She digs into the lasagna, her empty stomach demanding a large bite. Carina may be right, it might be the best thing she has ever tasted. A small moan of delight escapes from her.

Carina smirks. “I told you.”

She picks up the second fork and goes to take a piece of the lasagna, but Maya swats her away playfully.

“Mine,” she says jokingly.

Carina takes a bite herself. “So, am I allowed to visit you at work again?”

“If you’re going to bring me more of your Nonna’s food, then yes!” Maya says.

Carina pretends to look offended. “And I thought you wanted me around for sparkling personality.”

Maya smiles. “That too.”

Their privacy is interrupted by soft footsteps and whistling. Maya looks over her shoulder as Travis walks into the beanery.

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t realise you had company,” he says awkwardly, looking between Maya and Carina.

Maya shakes her head. “It’s fine,” she says, although she doesn’t mean it. “Travis, this is Carina. Carina, this is Travis.”

They greet each other with ‘hello’ and make pleasantries. If Travis is curious about who Carina is to Maya, he doesn’t show it.

“Where is everyone?” Maya asks.

“In their bunks,” Travis answers, as he pours himself a coffee.

No wonder the station is quiet.

“Make sure everyone eats, okay? It’s been a long day,” Maya says.

Travis nods. “Sure thing, Maya.”

His tone is kinder than his “yes Captain” from earlier, and Maya shoots him a small smile as he leaves the kitchen. She looks back at Carina, who is watching the exchange. Maya wishes she knew what was going through her mind and whether the weird atmosphere is obvious. She doesn’t want Carina asking questions that she doesn’t want to answer, so she picks a new subject quickly.

“Will you have dinner with me tomorrow?”

If Carina was curious about the team dynamics, she doesn’t say anything. Instead, she smiles. “I would love that.” She lifts her hand and points a slender figure at Maya. “No tacos though.”

Maya pulls a face. “I told you, tacos are great!”

Carina shakes her head. “No.”

“Come on! Come to my apartment tomorrow and I’ll show you what you’ve been missing.”

Carina grunts unconvinced, but she isn’t going to turn down another chance to spend the evening – and hopefully the night, too – with Maya. “I think I’m already starting to learn that,” she says, smiling sweetly.

Maya rolls her eyes, but secretly her heart flutters a little. She leans across the table to capture Carina in a soft kiss. Their lips have only just met when a call is announced through the speaker.

“Ladder 19, engine 19…”

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Maya mutters. She pulls back. “I’ve gotta run.”

Carina shoos her away. “Go. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Maya knows she has to go, but she can’t help herself. She cups Carina’s face with her hands and places a quick, hard kiss on her lips before turning and running down to the vehicle bay at Olympic speed.

As she climbs into the fire truck, there’s a funny feeling in her chest and she isn’t sure what it is, hasn’t ever felt it before. She’s pretty sure it’s only there because of Carina. Whatever it is, she pushes it down, turning her focus on to the emergency ahead of her. But it’s a good feeling and one she doesn’t want to squash completely. Just thirty minutes in Carina’s company this afternoon has been enough to brighten up her awful afternoon and Maya is starting to realise that maybe opening herself up to another person – to Carina – is a risk worth taking after all.

Chapter Text

Maya watches from her desk as the rest of her team stumble out of the building, their spirits high despite their obvious exhaustion. She can see them teasing and joking with each other as they take a left turn in the direction of Joe’s Bar, their laughter lingering in the air outside the fire station, as if taunting her. No-one asked if she would like to join them, no-one thought that she deserved to cut loose too after such an awful shift. She can build up her armour and tell herself that it’s because the team doesn’t socialise with the Captain – after all, they rarely did with Ripley or Sullivan – but it would be a lie. She knows why they didn’t invite her.

The distance between them is growing with every shift. Okay, so they have fallen in line since she yelled at them after the rocket incident, but it has only served to damage their friendship even more. She can see it in their eyes during their morning briefings and in their body language as she dolls out chores, and she can feel it when she walks into a room and everyone falls quiet.

She tries to brush it off and tell herself that things will get better, that they will find their way back to being the tight team that they once were, although she doesn’t believe it with the same confidence she once had. Pruitt had told her it “wasn’t that complicated”, except it was – everything felt hard and complicated at the moment. Their team-building camping trip did nothing to improve matters and Maya hasn’t bothered to try again. She doesn’t know how – not that she would admit that to anyone.

With a sigh, Maya shuts down her computer and grabs her backpack, throwing it over her shoulders and slipping her arms through the straps. She figures that the run home will help her to shake off the uneasiness that sits heavy in her stomach.

She runs fast, her feet pounding the hard pavement, her body jolting with every step. She lets the morning air burn her lungs, her eyes stinging in the cold. On a good day, she can run it in less than twenty-five minutes, but not today. Today she feels sluggish and it takes her almost thirty minutes to get home. She takes the stairs to her apartment, wanting to avoid making small talk with her neighbour, Joe, who lingers by the elevator.

She slips out of her pumps as soon as she walks through the front door, throws her bag and jacket on the floor, and slumps on the sofa. Andy came for the last of her belongings a few days ago and Maya’s apartment has gone back to being minimalistic – neat and tidy, just how she likes it. Except she finds that she doesn’t like it, not at all.

The silence is deafening. Maya is used to being alone, but loneliness isn’t something she is used to feeling and it unnerves her. She has even started to leave the television on in the background when she is home, the banality a distraction from confronting her feelings. It helps – sometimes. She flicks on the television now, skipping through the national news to a local station and leaving the volume on low.

Her stomach growls at her. She had skipped breakfast this morning in favour of coffee and a quiet word with Finch, and her body isn’t happy about it. She doesn’t have much of an appetite and opts for scrambled eggs with toast because it’s quick and easy, and she can’t be bothered with anything fussy. It’s bland and she’s not entirely sure that the eggs aren’t a few days beyond their best, but it stops her stomach from grumbling.

When she is done eating, Maya drops her plate into the sink, along with the pans, not bothering to tidy up after herself. Instead, she jumps in the shower and cranks up the pressure. The heat is soothing and she tips her head backwards, immersing herself under the steady stream. She scrubs her body until it is raw, as if she is trying to wash away her frustrations, and stays under the hot water until the steam fills her chest and her breathing labours.

Stepping out into her bedroom, Maya chooses a fresh pair of pyjamas, ties her damp hair back into a low ponytail, and curls up into bed. Closing her eyes, she tries to empty her mind and drift into a slumber.

Sleep doesn’t come easy and she tosses and turns for a while, eventually rolling onto her back and letting the air out of her lungs with a deep sigh. She lets her body sink into the mattress and pictures herself curled up in a cloud, as if she were wrapped up in soft cotton or feathers. It is the only thing that coaxes her to sleep when she is feeling like this, only when her body finally allows her to rest, it isn’t peaceful – too many thoughts running through her mind, too many feelings coursing through her body; the frustrations of her life filling her dreams as well.

When Maya wakes, it is a little before noon. She has rolled on to her front, her face buried deep into the pillows and her legs tangled up in the bedsheets. It is a ping from her cellphone that lifted her from her light sleep and Maya reaches out, searching blindly until she finds her phone on her bedside table. She turns onto her side, facing away from the window and letting the sun warm her back.

As she presses her thumb against the home button of her phone, the screen lights up and she sees Carina’s name staring back at her. She opens the message without hesitation.

I heard you had a tough call this morning. I wanted to check in, but I didn’t want to wake you. Are you ok? How about dinner tonight? We can try the new Thai place?  xoxo

Maya smiles at the message and immediately craves Carina’s arms wrapped around her, her lips on her neck. Between Maya’s shift pattern, which sees her sleeping at the station three nights per week, and her reluctance for sleepovers, there haven’t been many mornings like this, but those few occasions have left an imprint on Maya’s mind, bringing her comfort when she feels alone.

Maya has had casual relationships that have lasted longer than the week or two it usually takes for them to dwindle before, but none that have felt like this, and she is learning to lean into these new feelings: the kind that cause her chest to swell when she opens the door to find Carina on the other side; the kind that cause her cheeks to ache from smiling.

Her fingers hesitate over the digits of her phone as she contemplates her reply. Dinner was hours away and she is pretty sure that the stress in her body could be easily dissipated by a visit from Carina. She hits the call button and waits.

Carina answers quickly.

“Maya! I thought you would be sleeping, no?”

“I was – I just woke up and saw your message,” Maya says.

“Are you okay? I was down in the pit earlier and I heard about the accident, someone said 19 was first on scene,” Carina says, her tone sympathetic.

“Yeah. It was…“

Maya starts to say that it was fine, but it wasn’t and she knows she doesn’t have to lie to Carina about it. She’s a doctor and has probably seen worse.

“…horrible,“ she finally admits. “There wasn’t much we could do by the time we got there.”

Carina mumbles something in Italian that Maya can’t quite hear – and wouldn’t be able to understand anyway.

“I will never understand people who get drunk and then behind the wheel of a car,” Carina says crossly. “Selfish idiots.”

Maya nods at the sentiment. “Never underestimate the stupidity of man,” she says. “But listen, I didn’t call to bring the mood down.”

“You were calling to accept my date, I hope?” Carina questions.

“Yes,” Maya says. “But also, I was wondering if you could escape the hospital for a while over lunch?”

Her question is loaded and she bites down onto her bottom lips as she waits for Carina’s reply.

“Maya, are you asking me over for a sex date?”

Maya is pretty sure she can hear Carina’s smile through the phone. “Yes,” she answers resolutely. “I really want to see you right now.”

She has no qualms about making her intentions clear. This morning’s call is playing on her mind, the guilt and frustrations of her team still weighing heavily on her, and she is desperate to shake it off. Plus, Carina is hot and being in her company always makes her happy, no matter what else is going on in her life.

Carina laughs. “I want to see you too,” she says. “I can take a long lunch, as long as I’m back for a three o’clock appointment."

Maya grins. “Great. See you soon?”

“Si, I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

Maya ends the call and jumps out of bed, feeling lighter than she had done just moments ago. She changes into jeans and a low-cut shirt, simple but smart, and one that shows off her figure. Her once damp hair now curls around her shoulders. She doesn’t bother with make-up except for a light coating of mascara on her eyelashes and a hint of blush.

She turns her attention to the kitchen, tidying up her dirty dishes from earlier. She keeps her mind focussed on the task at hand, not letting herself be distracted by the images that threaten to fill her head – broken bodies scattered across the road; Emmett’s distress and Travis’s scorn; the team walking away from the station without a single thought of their captain. She thinks instead of Carina and how it won’t be long before her lips are on hers, her hands are exploring her body, and Maya can let go of everything that is playing on her mind.

She stacks the last of her pans in the dishwasher just as she hears a knock at the door. Her heart does that flutter thing that she has always rolled her eyes at in the past but which keeps happening every time she is in Carina’s presence. She is quick to the door and pulls it open.

“Ciao!” Carina says as she steps inside, leaving a soft kiss on Maya’s cheek.

“Ciao!” Maya returns, then pulls a face as she cringes at herself.

Carina laughs, the sound filling Maya’s apartment. It is a welcome interruption to the perpetual silence. Carina strips herself of her coat and gloves, throwing them over the back of the sofa, and holds out the small box in her hands.

“I stopped by Little Roma on my way and picked up some cannoli.”

Maya tips her head to one side. “I didn’t ask you here for lunch.”

Carina smiles as she drops the box carelessly onto the sofa. “I know.”

She steps forward and wraps her arm around Maya’s waist, simultaneously pulling her closer whilst walking her backwards. Her lips are on Maya’s as she presses her against the wall, closing the gap between their bodies. She leans in, her thigh resting against the crotch of Maya’s jeans and pressing against her in just the right spot to make Maya moan.

Maya gives in to Carina’s touch. The only thing on her mind is Carina’s hands as they disappear under her shirt in search of skin. Her own arms loop around Carina’s neck, her hands grabbing fistfuls of hair as she opens her mouth and lets Carina’s tongue brush against her own. She tastes of coffee and chocolate, and Maya feels herself swoon.

Carina’s lips find her neck, her teeth grazing her skin, causing Maya’s head to roll. She lets out a contented sigh, her back arching as Carina tugs at her shirt and pulls it over her head in one swift movement. Maya finds her lips almost immediately, gathering enough strength to push herself off the wall and guide them down the hallway towards her bedroom.

Her fingers fumble with the buttons of Carina’s blouse and Maya is pretty sure that some of them fall to the ground as she tears it away from her body, but she doesn’t care. She is desperate for skin and her hands explore Carina’s body shamelessly, palms firm against her breasts as Carina makes quick work of the buttons on her jeans.

They fall through the door of Maya’s bedroom and hit the bed, the force against Carina’s calves causing her to drop down onto the mattress. She takes full advantage of it and unzips Maya’s pants, encouraging them to the floor. Maya steps out of them and kicks them to one side. She runs one hand through Carina’s hair, the other lifting her chin, and she lowers her head to press her lips against Carina’s once more. She kisses her softly, but urgently, leaning her weight forwards until Carina falls back onto her elbows.

Maya’s hands travel south, caressing Carina’s body until she finds the zip of her skirt and pulls it loose. Carina lifts her hips and shuffles up the bed as Maya’s pulls her skirt off and tosses it to the floor.

Maya’s eyes turn dark as they sweep over Carina’s almost-naked body. She rests one knees on the edge of the bed and falls forward, her hands landing on either side of Carina’s shoulders, her strong arms holding her up as she hovers over Carina’s body. Her heart races, pounding in her chest in anticipation. Her eyes drop to Carina’s lips, watching as a smirk forms across her lips. She looks up and into Carina’s eyes, which stare up at her affectionately.

“Baciami,” Carina says.

“Hmm?”

Carina slides her hands around Maya’s waist and pulls her hips downwards so that the weight of her small frame presses down on her.

“Kiss me, Maya.”

Maya smiles as she lowers her head and captures Carina in another kiss, letting her body melt into Carina’s once more.

* * * * * * * * * *

Carina slips her arm around Maya’s waist, pressing her body against Maya’s back, her thumb caressing her abs. Maya’s muscles flex under her touch and she smiles against Maya’s skin, her lips sucking and nipping at her neck and shoulder.

Maya closes her eyes and feels contentment wash over her. With one hand tucked under her head, the other reaches behind her and over Carina’s hips, her fingers sinking into the top of Carina’s thigh and pulling her closer. She doesn’t think she has ever felt this happy or content in another person’s company. Carina has been in her life for a month now yet it doesn’t feel long enough, and that excites and scares her all at the same time. She had been conditioned from an early age to believe that relationships were a distraction, that her focus should always be on achieving her next goal – another gold medal, the Olympics, her firefighter qualification, becoming lieutenant, being promoted to Captain. There was no time for relationships and so she usually kept things casual, walking away the moment she started developing feelings. 

Except, this time, Maya is not walking away. This time, she keeps going back for more, grabbing any excuse to spend more time with Carina. More dinner dates, more walks around the park, more lazy afternoons at the pier.

She doesn’t recognise herself sometimes, the woman who walks hand-in-hand along the sidewalk, the woman who embraces subtle PDAs. She wishes she could talk to Andy and Vic about it, but she can’t and it upsets her more than she will admit. They used to be so close, and Maya hates that they don’t know what is going on in her life and hates that she doesn’t know what is going on in theirs. She’s pretty sure Andy is hooking up with Jack again, and she overheard Vic telling Travis earlier that things weren’t great between her and Jackson, but they won’t talk to her and she won’t ask.

Her mind wanders back to this morning’s call. She thinks about the group of friends who met for a sunrise ride on their motorcycles, innocently riding along a quiet road when, out of nowhere, a drunk driver had come barrelling down the road behind them and sent them flying. A single, selfish decision taken by a man who had lost his own life, taken the lives of others and destroyed the worlds of the people they left behind.

Maybe that is her, too. Maybe she is the kind of person who makes selfish decisions and destroys everything she touches, she just never saw it before.

Maya tries to concentrate on where Carina’s hands are and how gentle they are with her body, but she can’t shake the thought out of her head. Her chest tightens and her body flushes with heat, and she starts to lose control of her body. She turns enough to be able to place a tender kiss on Carina’s temple, as if everything is normal, and sits up, letting the sheets fall around her. She is grateful for the cool air and concentrates on her breathing, slow breaths in and out. It doesn’t work, she can feel the anxiety building up, her body tensing involuntarily. Tears prick her eyes and she tries to blink them back.

Beside her, Carina is oblivious as she stretches out her body and sits up, cosying up to her from behind.

“Well, I’m very glad you called but I should go back to work now,” she purrs.

Maya tries to think of something witty to say in response as she feels Carina’s lips kiss her shoulder, but her mind is racing and her cheeks flush as she feels shame and embarrassment wash through her.

“I’m the truck,” is all she can say.

It makes no sense, Maya knows that, but it’s all she can think about. She can feel the tears coming as her chest aches. She doesn’t want this, she doesn’t want to break down in front of Carina, but she knows she can’t stop it from happening.

Next to her, Carina’s brow crinkles in bemusement. “I’m sorry, I’m not very good at American idioms.”

“I’m the truck,” Maya repeats, overwhelmed by everything she is feeling. “I’m… I’m… I’m…”

She struggles to explain it. She feels Carina’s hand on her back and it’s the smallest comfort as she feels panic spread through her body.

“I’m the truck that drunkenly ploughed into Station 19 and destroyed an entire family.”

Carina doesn’t understand, but her heart sinks as she watches Maya dissolve into tears, everything about her body language screaming anguish. This wasn’t how she expected their lunch time tryst to end and she isn’t sure what to do, doesn’t know how to comfort her. She barely knows her, really.

“Hey… hey,” she says, brushing her hand over Maya’s hair.

“I’m the truck, I’m the…” Maya says again, her voice reducing to barely a whisper as she gives in to her emotions entirely.

Whatever is going on, Carina’s first instinct is to pull Maya close. Maya falls back against her chest and Carina wraps her arms around her as she falls apart.

“Hey,” Carina murmurs, tightening her grip and pressing her lips against Maya’s cheek, her nose nuzzling her cheek. “It’s okay, you’re okay.”

She lets Maya cry. She doesn’t try to stop her but just tries to keep her calm as her breath hitches and her body shakes in her arms. Maya doesn’t mention the truck again, she doesn’t say anything ] as she gasps for breath in between sobs.

“It’s okay, I’ve got you,” Carina whispers into her ear. She rocks her gently back and forth. “You’re okay.”

“I’m… I’m sorry,” Maya says breathlessly.

“It’s okay, sweetheart,” Carina says tenderly.  

Maya twists towards her, burying her face into the crook of Carina’s neck as the tears flow. She can’t stop them from falling and gives up trying. It’s too late now. She cries until her body sags in exhaustion and until her eyes grow heavy. She can feel Carina’s hand in her hair, can smell her perfume mixed with sweat, and she tries to focus on that to take her away from her own thoughts and feelings. It works, and she feels her body grow calm, finally letting her exhaustion win.

Maya wakes two hours later. She is curled up in bed, alone – the sheets pulled up over her body and one arm looped around a pillow. She opens her eyes slowly and squints through the sunshine that lights the room. Her head is sore, her eyes are dry, her cheeks are tight and puffy, and she wonders what kind of hangover this is – until she remembers.

She groans in embarrassment as she remembers falling apart in Carina’s arms and crying until she had run out of tears. Her stomach twists into knots at how angry she feels at herself for being so weak and vulnerable. She sits up wearily and runs her fingers through her hair, suddenly aware of how quiet it is. She turns her head towards the door, listening for any sign of life in her apartment, and realises that she is on her own.

Of course she is. Why would Carina stay after that? 

Maya drops her feet to the floor and, as she twists her body, she notices a fresh glass of water by her bed and a folded up piece of paper, which turns out to be a sheet from a prescription pad. Her name is written on the front in neat, cursive writing. Curious, she reaches for it and opens the page.

Maya –

You needed to rest and I had to get back to the hospital, but I’ll come by later with takeout.

Drink the water, you’ll be dehydrated.

Rest easy.

Carina xoxo

Maya reads the note three times, each time trying to read behind the words and figure out what Carina made of it all. She has no idea, but she wouldn’t blame her if Carina’s offer of takeout is simply to soften the blow before she dumps her. Maya starts to crumple the paper, but she stops herself, instead folding it neatly and holding it in her hand. Maybe she’s being unfair – or maybe her relationship with Carina is just another thing she has ruined.

Carina is right about the water and Maya is grateful for it, drinking it quickly to replenish her body. It’s a little after four o’clock and she thinks about going for a run, unsure how else to spend the next few hours before Carina is supposed to come back – if she comes back. Maya isn’t even sure she wants her to come back, feeling torn between wanting to feel Carina’s arms around her once again and not wanting to see the pity in her eyes. Maya doesn’t know what she will say, she has never let anyone see her like that, not even her family or closest friends.

She is not very good at talking about her feelings. Exercise has always been her therapy, so she commits to her run as a distraction. She changes into her running gear and slips on her sneakers, hitting the pavement and letting her mind concentrate on her movements – one foot in front of the other. With her mind clear, Maya lets herself be guided by her heart instead and tries to trust it instead of listening to what her head tells her.

Her heart tells her that the job isn’t worth it if it alienates her from her friends. Her heart tells her that she wants Carina to come back so that she can convince her that she’s not completely broken.

Most of all, her heart tells her that wants Carina to stay, when so many others have left.

Chapter Text

Carina waits until Maya is still and calm before she moves. The firefighter becomes a dead weight against her chest and Carina is pretty sure she has fallen asleep. Her right arm has grown numb and she shakes it, encouraging it back to life, before she shifts her body to one side and slowly coaxes Maya’s body down onto the bed. Her cheeks are red and her face is contorted into a frown, despite her slumber, and Carina is reminded of the first time they met – when she had been so curious to know why such a pretty face looked so downcast.

She has known that something hasn’t been right in Maya’s life since they met, noticing Maya’s deflection when she asks too many questions about her work and sensing a strange atmosphere when – Travis, was it? – had entered the kitchen that day she had visited Maya at work. Carina has never dug any deeper. After all, it has only been a month and it’s been full of dinner dates and amazing sex, but she knows they have both been keeping things casual. It isn’t the kind of relationship for deep conversations – at least, not yet.

Comforting Maya, as she had what Carina is pretty sure was a mild anxiety attack, was not exactly casual and she surprises herself at how much she wants to stay and take care of her, when in the past her first instinct would have been to get the hell out of there. She has enough broken people in her life already – her brother, her father – that she doesn’t need any more; she had told Maya this that day in her office when Maya had pushed her away, giving Carina the excuse to walk away. Yet she had stayed anyway, drawn to this woman who was a constant contradiction – strong, yet broken; confident, yet vulnerable.

She pulls the duvet up the bed, followed by the blanket, making sure that Maya is fully covered. She looks small, curled up in bed in a tight ball, and Carina places a soft kiss on her temple. She hears Maya exhale and Carina hopes that her rest will be peaceful. She can tell from the dark circles under her eyes that she has not slept enough lately.

Carina slides out of bed and retrieves her clothes from the floor, dressing as quietly as possible so as not to disturb Maya. She hunts around her room for a scrap of paper, but Maya keeps her apartment so neat and ordered that finding a notebook is impossible without rooting around her belongings. She resorts to using her prescription pad, stepping out of the room and digging it out of her bag that had been discarded on the sofa earlier. She scribbles a note, pours a glass of water, and creeps back into Maya’s bedroom, leaving the items on the bedside table and hoping that Maya notices them when she wakes.

It is a short drive back to the hospital and she arrives with minutes to spare just before her three o’clock appointment. Her mama-to-be is already waiting for her, settled in the chair opposite her desk and tapping her foot on the floor impatiently.

“You’re late.”

“It’s two fifty-seven,” Carina objects as she hangs her coat up on its usual hook and slips into her lab coat.

“You’re late for you,” Amelia counters back, her annoyance obvious. “I’ve been here for ten minutes.” Carina is the most punctual person she knows, except for Maggie perhaps, and what Amelia would call on time, Carina would call late.

Carina lets it slide. She knows why Amelia is wound up tightly like a spring and doesn’t push back. She sits down in her chair on the opposite side of the desk and shoots her a conciliatory look.

“I’m sorry, Amelia,” Carina apologises. “I didn’t mean to keep you waiting.”

She turns to her computer and types in her password, opening up Amelia’s records and pulling up the most recent update. She already knows what it says.

“Well?”

“The results of the paternity test confirm that Link is the father of your baby,” Carina says, getting straight to the point.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, Amelia, I’m sure,” Carina says with a small smile, spinning the screen so that Amelia can read the results for herself.

Amelia looks at the screen, her expression staying the same, which confuses Carina.

“This is a good thing, no?”

She has been one of Amelia’s few confidants in the recent weeks and had encouraged Amelia to agree to Link’s request for a paternity test, knowing that everyone involved would rest easier when they knew the answer to the burning question – even if the answer was one they did not want to hear. Carina knows how crazy Amelia is about Link and how much she wants him to be the father, and she is glad to be able to finally deliver the good news that Amelia has been avoiding for the last couple of weeks. At least, she thought she was delivering good news – but Amelia’s expression makes her doubt it.

“Yeah… no… maybe,” Amelia says non-committedly.

“I thought this is what you both wanted?” Carina questions, leaning back in her chair and looking at Amelia curiously.

“It is,” Amelia says. “It’s just…”

Carina doesn’t say anything. She knows Amelia well enough by now to know that she needs a moment to process her thoughts before she can explain them out loud.

“Link’s going to be so happy. He’s going to tell me that he loves me and he wants us to be a family, but…”

“But?”

“But… how do I know he loves me, and not me as a package with this baby?”

Carina smiles sympathetically. “Amelia, don’t try to guess what Link is thinking. Talk to him. Tell him what worries you. Let him inside your head, your life. If you’re going to raise this bambino together, if you’re going to be a family, you have to be honest with each other.”

“That sounds like something Maggie would say,” Amelia mutters.

Carina chuckles and lets the issue rest, knowing not to push Amelia any more while she is still processing everything. “Are you feeling well otherwise? Eating healthy, getting enough sleep?”

“Hmph,” Amelia grunts, rubbing her bump. “I’d sleep better if he didn’t insist on playing football with my womb every night at midnight. But yes, I’m doing fine.”

“Good,” Carina says. “I have you booked in for another scan in a couple of weeks.”

Despite all the signs of a normal, healthy pregnancy, Carina has taken every precaution with this pregnancy, not only to make sure that it didn’t end in tragedy like Amelia’s first one had, but also to give Amelia the comfort that she needs to know that history won’t repeat itself.

“Thank you,” Amelia says. “For everything.” She has had Carina’s support ever since that day in this same office when she had realised that she was pregnant and has been happy to get to know her better over the last few months. After all, she owes Carina, and her study, her life. “And sorry, you know, for being grumpy when you first got here.”

Carina waves her hand, batting away the apology.

It’s Amelia’s turn to be curious. “Where were you, anyway? The nurses couldn’t find you.”

“I was taking a late lunch,” Carina says, purposefully evasive.

Amelia grins knowingly. “Huh. What’s her name?” she grills. “Or his name.”

Carina rolls her eyes. “Amelia…”

“Come on, I’m starved of gossip right now,” Amelia begs.

“My love life is not gossip!” Carina laughs.

“Ha! You said love life,” Amelia catches, grinning triumphantly. “Come on, spill!”

She pouts until Carina relents.

“Her name is Maya. We’ve been seeing each other for about a month,”

Amelia’s mouth twists thoughtfully, not recognising the name. “She works here?”

Carina shakes her head. “She’s fire captain at Station 19.”

It takes a moment for Amelia to connect the dots. “With Warren? Great, so now I know who to hit up for more information, since you’re clearly keeping this one close to your chest!” she says.

“Amelia!”

Amelia laughs and Carina decides to let her tease, glad to see her relax a little.

“There’s nothing to tell,” Carina says.

“Really?” Amelia looks at her suspiciously.

Carina is tempted to say more, to tell Amelia what really happened this afternoon and unload her thoughts on someone else for a change, but she knows it would be unfair on Maya – and she isn’t really sure how she feels anyway. Thankfully, she doesn’t have the chance, as she is saved by her pager as it vibrates aggressively against her desk.

“I have to go,” Carina says, grateful for the interruption.

“Fine, but we’re not done with this conversation,” Amelia says as pushes herself to stand up.

“Fine,” Carina repeats, knowing that she will be under scrutiny the next time they meet for lunch.

A complicated birth distracts Carina for the rest of the afternoon. She checks her phone every now and again to see if Maya has been in touch, disappointed each time to find her message notifications empty. She thinks about sending her a message, but doesn’t want to wake her if she is getting some much needed sleep, so she resists the urge.

She leaves the hospital later than she wished, a little after seven o’clock. She figures she’ll stop by Enzo’s on the way to Maya’s apartment and pick up some of the risotto that she keeps telling Maya she should try.

Their time together is usually so easy. She has noticed that Maya carries tension in her body, which Carina has always thought comes from having such an intense job, and Carina loves to be the reason that tension melts away. In those moments, Maya relaxes completely and becomes softer and playful, and she has a dry wit that makes Carina laugh.

Carina wants to be able to take that tension away now, whatever it is that is causing her so much pain.

She is her own world as she walks and doesn’t notice the hunched figure loitering in the dark outside the hospital until she bumps into him, their shoulders knock together forcefully.

Andrew’s eyes light up when he sees her.

“Carina!”

He steps into the light and Carina is immediately alarmed by his appearance. His skin is pale, his eyes are wild, and his hair is dishevelled. “Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

“Bailey’s still refusing to let me do surgery. I’m stuck on scut,” Andrew moans. “Can you talk to her? Please? Tell her I’m better, tell her that I’m ready to come back to work properly.”

“I don’t know…” Carina hesitates. His hands may have healed, but his head is still a mess. It is obvious to Carina and everyone around him – the only person who doesn’t see it is Andrew himself.

It is ironic, really. He has always berated their father for not being able to see his own illness, and now Andrew is following the same path. It breaks her heart to see him deny it and refuse her help.

“Carina, please. I’m better now. My hands are okay now, I’m going to counselling, I’ve moved home.”

Carina sighs heavily. “Andrea, you’re not well.”

She watches as Andrew reacts angrily, like he always does; his body becoming rigid as his face darkens. “Don’t start this again.”

“Please let me help you,” Carina pleads with him.

“You know, I thought I could count on you, but I was wrong,” Andrew spits.

Carina is used to him directing his anger and frustration at her these days, but it still hurts.

“You can count on me,” she argues.

“You’re just like Mer, you’re just like Bailey. Everyone pretends to care, but you don’t,” Andrew says. “Just forget it.”

He spins and Carina reaches out to stop him, placing her hand on his arm.

“Let me drive you home,” Carina offers.

Andrew shakes her off angrily, shoving her arm away roughly.

“I’m going to Joe’s,” Andrew says, stalking off before she can say anything else.

“Andrea!”

He ignores her and Carina sighs as she watches him disappear into the darkness. There had been a few weeks after he had come home from the hospital and was sleeping in her spare room that things had been better, probably because of the high dose painkillers that Avery had prescribed that made him drowsy and less argumentative. As soon as his hands were better, and he didn’t need his big sister coddling him, he had moved home, despite Carina’s reservations.

She has seen a steady decline in his mental health ever since he has been out of her care and she worries about him constantly. She is glad that Bailey is keeping him out of surgery for now. She doesn’t want him to repeat their father’s mistakes.

Maya’s home is a short drive from the hospital and, after quick stop at Enzo’s for takeout, Carina arrives just before eight o’clock. A neighbour lets her through the main entrance and she makes her way to Maya’s apartment, knocking softly. She hears Maya’s footsteps grow louder and hears the click of the lock, the door opening slowly.

“Hey,” Maya greets her.

Carina is relieved to see her looking brighter than earlier, with colour back in her cheeks – although it is perhaps a flush of embarrassment.

“Hi,” Carina says, smiling at her fondly.

Maya steps back and opens the door wider, inviting her in. Carina steps inside.

“The food smells amazing,” Maya gushes, ushering her towards the kitchen.

“I went for Italian,” Carina says. “Comfort food.”

She places the food on the counter, pulling the cartons out of the bag one by one. Maya avoids her gaze as she grabs two plates from the cupboard.

“How are you feeling?” Carina asks.

“Better,” is all Maya says.

She paints a smile on her face although she can tell that Carina doesn’t buy her façade. When Carina doesn’t speak, Maya feels compelled to fill the silence.

“A little humiliated, to be honest,” she confesses.

“Don’t be,” Carina says kindly. She leans back against the counter and watches as Maya clears the table for dinner. “Will you tell me why you were so upset?”

Maya shrugs her shoulders. “I think the accident got to me more than I realised.”

Carina knows that isn’t true. ‘I’m the truck,’ is what Maya had said, over and over again. She feels her skin prickle in frustration at having another person in her life who won’t let her in.

“Maya please – talk to me?” Carina urges her.

She can see Maya on edge, sees her body stiffen just as Andrew’s had earlier.

“Carina, really, I’m fine. I was tired and emotional, and everything got to me. I just needed some sleep, that’s all.”

Carina watches as Maya puts the plates on the table, fussing with the place settings to avoid talking. She thinks back to her conversation with Amelia earlier this afternoon, about how she had urged Amelia to talk to Link and share how she was feeling. Maya knows about Andrew’s hands, but Carina has never told her about his probable Bipolar or how she grew up with her father battling the same disorder. She is getting to know Maya slowly, but she knows enough to see the walls that Maya has built up. She recognises it in herself and she figures that if she is going to break down those walls, she should start with her own.

“My brother is sick.”

Maya’s head jerks up to look at her, a confused expression on her face.

“I thought he was better? You said Avery had cleared him for surgery.”

“He has,” Carina says. “It’s not his hands, it’s his head. He… he’s not well.”

She falters a little, not used to trusting anyone enough to talk about her family.

“I think he is Bipolar. In fact, I’m pretty sure he is. It… it’s something he gets from our father,” she explains. “He won’t get help and I don’t know what to do about it.”

Maya’s face is full of sympathy and she pulls out a chair.

“Come and sit,” she says, holding out her hand.

Carina walks towards her and accepts her hand, sitting on the outstretched chair. Maya sits in the chair next to her.

“Is this why you came to Seattle?” Maya asks.

“Bipolar can be inherited and Andrea is the same age our dad was when he started having manic episodes. I was worried about him. I wanted to be here, just in case.”

“And now he’s showing signs?”

Carina nods. “He’s always been emotional, but his moods are up and down so much at the moment. His lows are incredibly low, his highs are incredibly high. The day it snowed? He went out in the freezing cold and walked three miles to Seattle Pres and back without any gloves on his hands, and ended up with frostbite.”

Maya thinks back to that day and the way Carina had accosted her in her office. She had known that something wasn’t right, but had no idea that she was dealing with so much. She feels guilty for being so caught up with her own problems that she had not noticed that Carina was going through something so serious in her life.

“Doctor Bailey made him see a counsellor before he could return to work,” Carina continues, “but he won’t see a psychiatrist. No matter how many times I ask him.”

Carina feels tears in her eyes and looks away. She isn’t used to showing her emotions to anyone, and tries to brush it off.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get upset,” she says dismissively.

Maya looks at her reproachfully. “You’re allowed to be upset about this,” she says, reaching out and wrapping her hand around Carina’s, squeezing it gently. “You said your dad was Bipolar too?”

“He won’t see a doctor either, but yes I think so. He’s been manic for a long time,” Carina says. “It’s why my mom left him.”

“And it’s why you stayed?” Maya asks.

“Si. I thought I could help him. That by staying he would have a constant in his life. Except he wouldn’t listen to me either. And then…” She pauses for a moment. “When I was 15, he went to work in a manic state and spent the day operating when he was in no fit state to do so. Four people died.” She lowers her head, embarrassed by her confession, and only lifting her eyes when Maya squeezes her hand once again, encouraging her to keep talking.

“Now Andrea wants to go back to surgery and I… I’m scared for him, Maya.” She takes a deep, shaky breath. “I want to be able to help him, but I don’t know what to do. He won’t listen to me, he won’t listen to anyone. I saw him on my way out of the hospital this evening. He looked awful; he’s not sleeping, he’s angry. We got into another fight and he walked off.”

Carina lets out a heavy sigh, her hair falling forward. With her left hand still on Carina’s, Maya lifts her right hand and tucks the loose strands behind Carina’s ear, running her thumb over her skin gently. Carina presses her cheek into it, comforted by her touch.

“And you came here still? Why didn’t you go after him?”

“He won’t listen to me, not at the moment,” Carina says sadly.

She knows she has to be patient and give him the time he needs to recognise what is happening to him, but she’s not very good at it. She wants so badly for him to be okay and prays that he will get there soon. 

“I’m glad you told me,” Maya says.

Carina smiles. “I’m glad you know.” She takes Maya’s hands in hers, linking their fingers together and running her thumbs over the back of Maya’s hands to return the gesture. “Also, I wanted to see you. I wanted to make sure you were feeling better.”

Maya purses her lips. “My bad day at work is not what you should be worrying about right now,” she scolds lightly.  

Carina knows that she is downplaying it.

“Maya,” she says softly, leaning forwards in her chair. “I think it’s more than a bad day at work.”

Maya shakes her head, but Carina interjects before she can dismiss it as not important again.

“You can talk to me, you know? I told you about my brother because… because I trust you. I would like you to trust me, too.”

“Carina, I…” Maya starts to object, but stops when she sees the way Carina is looking at her, her face full of compassion. She takes a deep breath. “I’m screwing everything up. My team – my friends – are mad at me and I don’t know how to make things right.”

“Why would they be mad at you?” Carina questions. “Because of Rigo?”

“No. Because I got competitive and I went for the Captain’s job, and I did whatever it had to do to get it, no matter what.”

Carina doesn’t follow. “No matter – what?”

“No matter who I stepped over, no matter who I pushed past,” Maya says quietly. “No matter who I hurt. My friends. My best friend.”

“Andy?”

Maya nods. The words suddenly spill out and she tells Carina everything – how she ended her relationship with Jack so that it didn’t interfere with the possibility of promotion; how she used Andy’s grief over Ryan as a reason to surpass her in the race for Captain; the truth about the camping trip and what was going on in her life the night they had met at the bar; the training drills and scoreboards; the grumbles and the talk back. She tells her about the looks and the silent treatment and isolation.

“They’re my family and I feel like I’m losing them,” Maya says.

She feels like an idiot, telling this story as Carina is fighting her own battles in her own family. She tips her head as she looks at Carina.

“You’re a good person. You came here to keep your family together and I… I’m tearing mine apart.”

“That’s not true, bella,” Carina says kindly. “Your competitiveness is part of who you are, it’s what won you the Olympic medal, it’s what makes you a good captain. It doesn’t make you a bad person, but…”

“But?”

“But I think that you’ve forgotten what’s important.”

She doesn’t need to explain it further. For Carina, family is the most important thing.

“My dad taught me that winning was the most important thing,” Maya says. “He taught me that I should always focus on the prize. Eyes forward at all times.” A small, sad smile passes her lips. “I did that with the Captain’s job and I won.”

“And was it worth it?” Carina asks.

The question is confronting and Maya shrugs, as if she doesn’t know the answer but she does. She knows that she is proud of herself, she knows that her dad is proud of her, but she also knows that the price she has paid is too high.

“What do I do?” she asks, a little desperately.

“Well, what would make the team trust you again? What would make Andy feel like you were putting her friendship first?”

Maya looks away. She knows the one thing that is within her power to do, but she is conflicted. Maya Bishop is not a quitter. Her dad would never allow her to quit for the sake of her friendship with Andy, and she feels her body stiffen with the thought of the rage she will face from him when she tells him. Yet, it surprises her that she doesn’t care, not the way she used to place so much about her father’s opinion.

Carina sees her thinking. “You have an idea?”

“Maybe,” Maya says softly. “But I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t know if I can just quit what I worked so hard to get.”

“Is it quitting? Or is it just telling the truth?”

She lets the question hang in the air for a moment. “You’ll figure it out.”

“What makes you so sure?”

“Because if the prize is rebuilding your family, then I know you’ll do everything you have to do to make it happen,” Carina says.

Maya smiles. “You’re a good person,” she repeats. “Better than I deserve.”

Carina shakes her head. “That’s not true. I know that you feel like your mistakes make you a bad person, but they don’t.”

“No?”

Carina finds that she likes the way this emotional intimacy feels. Her heart beats a little harder in her chest, her cheeks burn under Maya’s gaze, and her skin tingles under her touch. “I think you’re pretty great.”

Maya smiles. “I think you’re pretty great, too.”

She tugs at Carina’s hands until she takes the hint. Carina stands momentarily and takes a small step forwards, sliding onto Maya’s lap. Maya slips her arm around Carina’s waist and rests her hand on her hip, pulling her closer. Carina places one hand on Maya’s back, while the other becomes entangled in her hair as she dips her head and kisses her. Her emotions are spent and she craves Maya’s touch and her taste to forget it all for a moment.

“Feeling better?” Carina asks when they drift apart.

“Yeah,” Maya says softly. “You?”

Carina nods. It turns out her advice to Amelia was right. Just sharing her worries about her brother with Maya had lifted some of the weight from her shoulders. Carina kisses her again, only pulling back when she hears her stomach rumble in hunger.

Maya laughs against her mouth, but doesn’t let her go, holding her body close still. “I’d say we should eat, but I think the takeout’s gone cold.”

“Then we’ll order pizza,” Carina says. “But the good pizza, not your American kind.”

“You’re such a food snob!” Maya teases.

“Hmm,” Carina says, extracting herself from Maya’s arms enough to be able to lean across the table and grab her cell phone from her bag. She pulls up the number of the best pizza delivery place in town.

“Pick your toppings,” Carina says. “But no pepperoni. And no pineapple!”

Chapter Text

Maya pulls up outside Carina’s townhouse and steps out into the cool night air. Spring has arrived and the evenings are not as cold as they once were, but there is still a chill in the air that causes her to pull her jacket tighter around her body. She grabs the flowers and wine from the passenger seat, and slings her bag over her shoulder.

It has been three days since Rigo’s death and the guilt that Maya carries over his accident still weighs on her, despite Carina reminding her every chance she gets that it was not her fault. Maya tries to believe her, but her mind constantly takes her back to that morning in her office, with Rigo and Jack sat in front of her, when she made the decision to allow them to work together. It is a regret she knows she will live with for the rest of her life. She is still waiting for a phone call from Chief Dixon, knowing that he will enjoy another excuse to berate her, and her skin prickles just thinking about it.

Maya pushes the thoughts from her head, not wanting to ruin another date. She is ready to leave that guilt behind for the evening in favour of good food, good company and good sex.

She waits for an oncoming car to pass before stepping into the road and crossing to the sidewalk on the other side. Carina’s townhouse looms tall. They don’t spend much time here, their nights together usually spent at Maya’s apartment. Carina always complains that her house too big for one person, but Maya loves it – it is cosy and homely, eclectically decorated with Carina’s mementos from around the world.

Maya walks the few steps up to Carina’s front door, faltering when she hears raised voices inside. Panic rushes through her initially, and she steps forwards, straining her ears to hear what is going on. As she raises her hand to bang against the door, she realises that she can’t understand what is being said, quickly followed by a realisation that the reason she can’t understand it is because the shouting is in Italian – and that narrows down Carina’s sparring partner to just one person.

The panic subsides and is quickly replaced with empathy. Although Maya doesn’t know what they are arguing about, she catches Carina using the word “impossibile”, which isn’t the first time that she has heard Carina describe her brother in that way.

Maya steps back, unsure what to do. The argument sounds serious, their tones angry and frustrated, and part of her wants to go barging in to calm them down; but she also knows from recent experience that keeping their feelings inside could do them more harm than good.

As she hesitates, she is taken by surprise as the door flies open, almost hitting her in the face. Andrew storms out, brushing past her with such force that the heads of the flowers she is holding drop to the ground. Maya is knocked backwards and she stumbles as she tries to regain her balance, losing grip of the wine bottle. She hears it smash as it hits the decking and looks down, watching as the red liquid splashes by her feet and stains the bottom of her jeans.

“Hey!” she calls out instinctively, although she is pretty certain that Andrew doesn’t hear her.

Carina appears at the door, clearly agitated. “Andrea!” she yells after him.

Andrew ignores her and Carina watches helplessly as he jumps onto his motorbike and speeds away. Her eyes prick with tears and she runs her hand through her hair, shaking her head in desperation. Maya isn’t even sure that she has noticed her, so she drops what remains of the flowers on to a nearby ledge and steps forward cautiously, avoiding the broken glass and placing a hand gently on Carina’s arm so as not to startle her.

“Hey,” she says softly.

Carina looks towards her, her eyes vacant as her mind is filled with worry and anxiety.

“Are you okay? What happened?”

Carina shakes her head. “He… God, Maya, I’ve never seen him this bad. He completely lost it at work. He yelled at a patient’s family, he yelled at Doctor Bailey...”

Her hands are shaking and she curls her fists, rubbing the back of her hand across her wet cheeks. Maya steps towards her and slides her arm around Carina’s waist, running her hand up and down her back. She notices Carina shiver in the cool night air.

“Come on, let’s go inside,” Maya suggests. “It’s getting cold out here.”

“No. No,” Carina says, suddenly pulling away. “Andrea, he’s… I have to go after him.”

She walks back into the house and grabs her car keys from the bowl she keeps by the door. Maya holds out an arm to stop her, surprised at the glare that Carina shoots at her and trying not to take it personally.

“Carina, he’s gone,” Maya says gently.

“I have to find him,” Carina says stubbornly. “He’s manic, he’s going to kill himself out there!”

Maya can see that she is not going to change Carina’s mind and knows that trying to stop her will only stress her out more. Instead, she puts her (metaphorical) Captain’s cap on for a moment, trying to figure out a plan that will diffuse Carina’s anxiety.

“Okay,” she says calmly. “But you can’t just go out there blindly, so let’s just take minute, okay? Where would he go?”

“I… I don’t know. Up to Hamilton Viewpoint, perhaps? He takes his bike along the west coast a lot.”

“Well, let’s start at Hamilton, and if he’s not there we’ll try the other viewpoints,” Maya says. She reaches out a hand and takes the keys from Carina. “But we’ll take my car, okay?”

Carina thinks about saying no, thinks about rejecting Maya’s help and protecting her baby brother from any more judgement from people who are not family. Except this is Maya, and Carina is overwhelmed by the need to lean in and trust her – so she does.

“Okay,” she says. “Thank you.”

Maya smiles gently and leans in, placing a soft kiss on Carina’s cheek. “Grab a jacket and let’s go.”

They drive in silence, not even the sound of the radio playing in the background to soften the mood. Maya can feel the tension that exudes from Carina’s body and she prays that their search is successful, for Carina’s sake as much as Andrew’s. She had seen the wild look in his eyes as he had barged past her and it scared her too. He had driven off at such a dangerous speed that the slightest bump in the road could send him toppling off his bike and who knew what kind of damage he would do to his body if that happened – if he survived at all.

She doesn’t voice her concern. She knows she doesn’t need to, she knows that Carina is thinking the same thing. Maya looks across at her every now and again, but Carina keeps her eyes keenly on the road. She can’t stop fiddling with her hands, a nervous twitch that Maya wishes she could ease. She drives as fast as she can, but keeps to the speed limit so as not to attract the attention of the cops. 

There is no sign of Andrew at Hamilton Viewpoint, so Maya joins the coastal road and heads south. They pull over at every park and every viewpoint in the hope that they will find Andrew, but they never do. They call his name, they ask strangers if they have seen him, they even search the dirt looking for track marks from his bike. Nothing they do leads them any closer to finding him.

By the time they reach Lincoln Park, it is almost ten o’clock and Maya can feel Carina becoming more frustrated and more frightened with every unsuccessful search.

“Maybe we should head yours – or Andrew’s place?” Maya suggests. “Maybe he went home?”

Carina waivers and Maya knows she is torn between continuing her search and hoping she will find Andrew safe at home. Maya isn’t convinced that driving around aimlessly is going to help them find him, but she doesn’t have any better suggestions and she knows Carina needs solutions not problems right now.

“I… I don’t know,” Carina says, shaking her head desperately.

“Is there anywhere else he might go? Any friends he might visit?”

“I don’t know!” Carina cries, irritated by the questions that she can’t answer. She takes a deep breath, but her heart races, too riled up to be calm while her brother is missing. “I’m sorry. I just… I don’t know what to do.”

“I know, it’s okay,” Maya sympathises. “Look, why don’t we go back to Andrew’s place? We can retrace our steps, stop at the viewpoints on our way home?”

Carina sighs again, but nods in agreement.

Maya reaches out and grasps her hand in hers. “Hey, it’s going to be okay.”

She means well, Carina knows that, but her words are empty right now. She rolls her eyes and lets out a sad laugh. “How? How is it going to be okay? Even if we find him, it’s not going to be okay! He’s sick, Maya. He’s sick and there’s nothing I can do about it. He’s sick and I couldn’t stop it.”

Her eyes fill with tears and she breath becomes hitched as her face crumples. “Maya, what if we don’t find him? What if… what if he’s…”

She can’t finish the sentence and Maya knows why.

“Oh – hey,” Maya says softly. She has never seen Carina cry before, not like this, except for the kind of tears that fall at the end of a sad film. Maya pulls her close and wraps her arms around her, rising onto the balls of her feet to lift herself up a little. Carina resists at first, but Maya only holds her tighter until Carina gives in to her emotions and begins to sob into her shoulder. Maya runs her hand over her hair soothingly.

“We’re going to find him,” Maya says, trying to sound more confident than she feels. “And I’m going to stay with you until we do, okay?”

She feels Carina start to calm down and keeps her close in a tight embrace. “We’ll find him.”

Carina sighs against her. “How are you so sure?”

Maya pulls back, wearing a gentle, placating smile on her face. “Because he’s your brother. And I know you won’t stop until you do.”

Carina nods as Maya gently wipes the last of her tears from her cheeks.

“Eyes forward, okay?” It’s a mantra that has always got Maya what she wants.  

Carina lets Maya guide her back to the car and she climbs into the passenger seat. Her chest feels tight, her limbs heavy with grief as she worries about what sort of trouble Andrew could be in right now. She thought that by being in Seattle when the inevitable happened would mean that she could protect him from what happened this afternoon, that they would weather the darkest moments together and he would never experience the kind of breakdown that he’d had today. She feels like she has failed him. She wishes she could just wrap him up and keep him safe, like when they were children and the storms would come. Andrew hated the crash of thunder and would creep into his sister’s room in the middle of the night, seeking her comfort. He would climb into bed with her and she would pull the blankets up over their heads, using a flashlight so that she could read his favourite stories to distract him. The soothing lilt of her voice would soon lull him into a sleep and she would wrap her arms around him, the warmth of his small body sending her to sleep as well, despite the raging storm outside.

It has been a long time since he has accepted her arms around him. This afternoon, he had shrugged her off, the venom of his words hurting her as he had reacted angrily to every offer of help that she and Bailey and Meredith had made. She had sat dumbly in Doctor Bailey’s office, unable to stop him from throwing his career away and storming out. Meredith had appeared a few moments later without good news. Carina had caught up with him at Joe’s and somehow persuaded him to come home with her, but that had soon descended into another argument as she had tried once again to get him to agree to see a doctor. Every plea ended the same, with Andrew denying that he was sick and arguing that he was nothing like Vincenzo DeLuca, despite everything they have seen and everything they have been through with their father. Their arguing had turned into a screaming match, with Carina trying everything she could to get him to listen – anger, guilt, even bribery – but nothing had worked and he had stormed off into the night on his motorcycle.

Maya calls them ‘donor cycles’ and Carina usually defends them, telling her that most motorbike owners are careful and it’s other road users who are the danger. Not tonight, though. Tonight, the danger is Andrew.

She tips her head and looks out of the passenger seat window as Maya drives steadily north, back to where they came from. She stares out at the sea and watches the gentle ripples of the waves under the moonlight. She knows she should be looking out for Andrew’s motorbike, and she is, but she also lets the movement of the water soothe her a little.

She feels a gentle squeeze of her thigh as Maya reaches out to her and Carina turns her head to look at her. Her eyes are focussed on the road except for a small glance over her shoulder towards Carina.

“Are you doing okay?” she asks softly.

“Yeah,” Carina says. She places her right hand over Maya’s and links her fingers through hers, surprised at how such a small gesture can bring her so much comfort.

Carina has never let anyone into her life and her family like this. She has always kept people at arm’s length, usually moving on before things got too serious – telling herself that she prefers to have the freedom to live her life on her own terms, but at the same time sometimes feeling envious of those around her who seemed so happy in their charming, settled lives. She had tried it with Arizona, but failed, and figured it was a sign that her free spirit means she will only ever find the right person in the moment – never the right person forever. Except now, she is starting to think that maybe she has been wrong all this time, that she can still have the freedom she craves with the right person. There are moments that she thinks Maya might just be the right person.

She didn’t see it coming when they met at Joe’s bar, but it was a good sort of surprise. Thinking back to that night makes her smile, but also jolts her memory.

“Are you the older sister?” Carina asks out-of-the-blue.

“Hmm?”

“The night we met you told me that you have a brother, but you didn’t tell me if he was older or younger,” Carina explains.

“Oh,” Maya says, a little taken aback by the question. “He’s younger by eighteen months.”

“You said you’re not close. Why not?”

Maya seems rattled, to Carina’s surprise. She extracts her hand from Carina’s, placing it on the steering wheel and keeping keeps her eyes keenly on the road in front of her.

“It’s complicated,” she says.

Her tone is dismissive, but Carina’s curiosity is piqued and she is in the mood to talk about something other than Andrew for a moment.

“Does he live in Seattle?”

“I don’t know, I think so,” Maya says.

Carina frowns. “You don’t know where he lives?”

Maya sighs and Carina realises she has pushed her a little too hard for some reason. She is about to apologise for probing too much when Maya speaks.

“The last time I saw him, he was living in a homeless camp under one of the bridges in the park. When I went back to see him, he’d gone and I haven’t seen him since. That was almost two years ago, so no, I don’t know where he lives.”

The car is quiet for a moment, except for the hum of the engine, as Maya’s words hang in the air between them.

“I’m sorry, that’s sad,” Carina says finally.

She studies Maya’s face and sees the frown line that crinkles her forehead, something Carina has seen before and she knows it is a sign that Maya is struggling with her feelings about it.

“Do you miss him?”

“Sometimes,” Maya admits. “I mean, we were never that close growing up. I had my running and our dad was so focussed on helping me train that Mason got forgotten. By the time we – I – realised that, it was too late.”

‘Too late for what?’ Carina wants to ask, but there is something about the way Maya sounds that stops her.

“Do you ever think about looking for him?” Carina asks.

“Of course,” Maya says. “I keep an eye out for him when we’re out on calls, but I don’t think he wants to be found. At least, not by me.”

“Families are complicated, huh?” Carina says.

Maya laughs, but not in a good way. She laughs in a way that makes Carina think that there is more to the story than Maya is willing to share right now. She doesn’t ask any more questions and rolls her head against the headrest so that she is facing forwards, returning her concentration to the search for Andrew, her eyes scouring every side road and car park they pass for his bike.

The car falls silent again – until Carina’s cell phone buzzes in her lap. The number on her screen is unknown and her stomach turns at the thought of who might be on the other end. She answers the call tentatively.

“Hello?”

Maya can only hear a muffled voice on the end of the phone, but takes it as a good sign when Carina exclaims, “oh, thank God,” – her demeanour one of relief, rather than devastation. She pulls into the next turnout and listens to Carina’s side of the conversation, trying to pick up on what is happening.

“Okay, thank you, I’ll be there as soon as I can,” Carina says, before hanging up the call.

“Andrew?”

Carina nods. “He was pulled over by the police in Tacoma for speeding. They’ve charged him, but won’t release him because of his mental state. They said they gave him two options: hospital or family, so I guess he chose me.”

“That’s good, right? I mean, at least he’s okay and he’s safe,” Maya says.

Carina only nods.

Maya grabs her own phone and pulls up the co-ordinates of the Tacoma police station, punching the details into her navigation system.

“The sat nav says forty-five minutes,” she notes. “Hang in there, okay.”

She does a u-turn back onto the road and they head south to Tacoma. It is Carina who turns on the radio, flicking through the stations until she finds one that plays some generic pop music that neither of them recognises, but which drowns out their own thoughts for a while.

It is a little after 11.30pm when they arrive at the police station. Maya pulls into the first parking space she can find.

“Do you want me to come with you?”

Carina pauses. It feels rude to exclude Maya after she has done so much to help find her brother, but she knows her presence in the police station might agitate him.

“It’s okay,” Maya says, noticing her hesitation. “I’ll wait here. Just call me if you need me?”

Carina nods and leans across the car to kiss her cheek. “Thank you, bella.”

She jumps out of the car and heads inside. The police officer at the front desk looks at her with overwhelming sympathy and it makes Carina nervous, her stomach in knots as she wonders what kind of state Andrew is going to be in when she sees him. It takes about ten minutes for the paperwork to be processed and Carina arranges for his bike to be collected on another day. To be honest, she doesn’t care if she never sees it again, but it’s not a fight she wants to have with her brother today.

Andrew is escorted to the front desk a few moments later, flanked by two burly-looking police officers. Carina expects him to struggle against their grip but he is calm and submissive, and she worries for a moment that they have sedated him.

He shuffles forward and looks up at her, and her heart sinks as she realises that his mood has flipped from manic to depressive. His skin his pale and his eyes are bloodshot, and he looks like he has no fight left in him.

“Oh, il mio fratellino,” Carina says softly.

She nods her thanks to the police officers and reaches out to her brother, wrapping her arm around his shoulders. He doesn’t push her away this time. Despite his height, he feels small and he curls into her as they walk side-by-side out of the building.

Maya sees them coming and steps out of the car, opening the door behind the driver’s seat. Andrew doesn’t even acknowledge her presence, but slips into the backseat under Carina’s direction.

“I’m going to sit in the back with him,” Carina says.

Maya nods. “Of course. Where do you want to go?”

“To mine,” Carina says. “I want him home with me.”

It is past midnight and, by the time they are on their way home, the roads are quiet. Andrew rests his head on Carina’s shoulder, and she can’t tell if he is awake or asleep. She holds his hands tightly, whispering to him in Italian. She repeats nursery rhymes and folklore tales from their childhood, stories that their Nonna told them at bedtime – anything that might bring him some relief.

They arrive at Carina’s townhouse just after 1am and it feels strange to be back there so many hours later. Carina takes Andrew upstairs straight away, settling him in the guest room. The bed is still made up from his last stay when his hands were healing and Carina tucks him under the covers, like she did when he was a child. She sits by his bed until the exhaustion takes over and he falls asleep, and she stays there for a while, watching him breathe in and out slowly. It is the most peaceful she has seen him for a while and she wants to hold on to the moment for as long as possible, knowing that tomorrow will bring another difficult conversation.

She kisses his temple before she leaves his room, stopping by the hallway cupboard on the way to grab a handful of spare blankets on her way downstairs. Her large open plan living area is quiet and empty, and she wonders for a moment if Maya has left until she hears her front door open. As Carina drops the blankets on to the sofa, Maya appears with a bag of broken glass in one hand and a brush in the other.

“I think I got all the broken wine bottle, but maybe don’t go out there barefoot for a while,” she says. “Is Andrew asleep?”

“Yeah, he is,” Carina says, watching as Maya dumps the bag into the trashcan. She tips her head and feels an overwhelming surge of – something – rush through her. She tells herself it is just gratitude, but she thinks it is more than that.

What was supposed to be a fun date night had turned into an evening searching the streets, and Maya had been with her the whole time. She hadn’t thought twice about jumping in the car and driving Carina around the city with no plan and no direction.  

Maya walks over at her and places her hands on Carina’s hips. “Are you doing okay?”

Carina nods. “Yeah, just tired.”

Her eyes sweep over Maya’s face and she runs her thumb over Maya’s lips, before dropping her head and kissing her softly. When they part, there is a small smile on Maya’s lips.

“What was that for?”

“To say thank you for staying with me tonight. I’m really glad you were there to help me off the bridge.”

Maya chuckles. “Talk you off the ledge? Yeah well, you’ve done it enough times for me already,” she says. She looks over Carina’s shoulder. “What’s with all the blankets?”

“I’m worried that Andrea will wake up and leave, so I thought I’d sleep on the sofa – just in case,” Carina says.

“Carina…”

“I know, I know,” Carina says. She shrugs her shoulders. “I just… he’s my baby brother.”

Maya understand it a little, although she can’t help but feel guilty at how little she has done to make sure Mason is okay, when Carina is running herself ragged trying to help Andrew.

She tugs at Carina’s hips. “Do you have a spare pair of pyjamas for me?”

Carina smiles. “Maya, it’s late and you have a twenty-four hour shift starting in…” she looks at the clock on the wall, “…six hours. You need to go home and get some sleep.”

Maya shrugs. “I’ll tell them I have a doctor’s appointment. Andy can cover for me for a few hours. Let me be here for you,” she says.

“You’ve been here for me all night,” Carina reminds her.

“Then what’s a few more hours?” Maya pushes her away teasingly. “Go find me some pyjamas otherwise I’ll be sleeping naked. And while you might be okay with that, Andrew might not be so happy about it in the morning.”

Carina laughs, her heart feeling lighter than it has all day. Twenty minutes later and they are curled up on the sofa together. Maya is on her back, propped up by multiple soft cushions. She knows that the awkward angle will stop her from falling into a deep sleep. It is a trick she has learned over the years, never resting properly when she is on shift. It means she can listen out for Andrew and let Carina sleep.

Carina is next to her, resting on her side between Maya and the back of the sofa, one arm slung over Maya’s stomach and her head resting on her chest. “I’m really glad you’re here,” she murmurs.

Maya smiles and kisses the top of her head. “Me too. Get some rest.”

Carina tries to fight sleep, wanting to stay awake in case Andrew tries to leave without telling her, but her body is tired and Maya’s arms are strong and comforting. She can’t keep her eyes open, and she feels more and more drowsy with each breath. Her mind becomes numb to everything except the soothing touch of Maya’s fingers and the warmth of her breath on her skin, and it is not long before she succumbs to a peaceful sleep.

Chapter Text

Isn’t it possible, with everything else you’ve accomplished, that you could learn to let yourself rest and sleep and love in this life, instead of waiting for death to set you free?

The words spoken by Doctor Lewis repeat in Maya’s head as she runs home, her feet pounding the hard surface of the sidewalk as she weaves in and out of the crowds. The ground is still wet from the earlier downpour of rain and she watches her step, careful to avoid the puddles.

She has never told anyone about the clouds before, until today. They have always been the safe place her mind goes to when she needs to escape life for a while; when she wants the world to stop. Growing up, it is where she could hide away from her father and his relentless training schedule. They were a haven the night she learned about her brother’s overdose. Since becoming a firefighter, they have been the place she goes to after a bad call, when all she wants to do is push the images and smells from her senses.

She has relied on those clouds for so long that she doesn’t know anything else. To rest and sleep and love in this life? It is not something she has ever allowed herself to think about, not for herself.

Maya lives her life by the lessons her father taught her when she was younger: eyes forward, the only thing that matters is the finish line. It made her win a gold medal at the Olympics; it meant she finished top of the class at the fire academy; and it led to her being the youngest fire captain in the city.

It also made her competitive; it meant that she had never allowed herself to fall in love before; and it led to her pushing away anyone who got too close, even her best friend eventually.

She has surprised herself by allowing Carina to stay in her life for as long as she has. Carina has already witnessed some of the darkest, most broken parts of her. In the past, Maya never would have let anyone see her so vulnerable, she would have pushed them away by now. She hasn’t with Carina and there is a reason for that. She knows her feelings are growing deeper, despite it going against every instinct in her messed up brain. Maya is used to caring about her friends, but she doesn’t let herself care so much about the people she is sleeping with, because it gets messy and Maya doesn’t do messy.

With Carina, it doesn’t feel messy – not yet, at least. Right now, these feelings she has bring warmth and comfort to her when she needs it the most, like the clouds in the sky. And she has needed it these last few weeks.

Carina has needed it too, and Maya can feel them growing closer as they share their thoughts and fears with each other. There is something about knowing that Carina trusts her enough to let Maya into her life and offer support as she tries to help her brother that makes Maya’s heart swell. She has never been that person for someone else and it feels good. Her arms had been the soft clouds that Carina needed last week after they had collected Andrew from the police station; a safe place for Carina to rest and sleep.

It scares her a little too, if she is completely honest with herself. She cares about Carina in a way that is foreign to her. Maya likes routine and control. There is something about Carina and the way she is falling for her that feels uncontrollable, and it terrifies and excites her all at the same time.

She turns her attention away from the thoughts in her head and back to her run, eyes forward. It is already late, almost seven o’clock, and Maya quickens her pace, knowing that Carina will be arriving for dinner shortly and she has nothing prepared.

Carina arrives just before eight o’clock, always a few minutes early – something that Maya has grown to expect. She immediately feels her mood lifting when she opens the door and finds Carina leaning against the doorframe, a bottle of wine in her hands.

“Ciao bella!” Carina greets her warmly, leaning in to kiss her cheek as she steps inside.

Maya reaches out her hand and grabs Carina’s waist, stopping her in her tracks and pulling her closer. She lifts herself up onto the balls of her feet to kiss her square on the lips. Carina smiles into the kiss and, with her free hand, combs her fingers through Maya’s loose hair, running her thumb along her jawline as she cups her face.

“Hi,” Maya says when they drift apart. 

Carina murmurs something in Italian, which earns her an eye roll from Maya.

“I’m gonna have to start learning Italian, aren’t I?”

“But then how will I keep any secrets?” Carina teases.

This time it earns her a small laugh that Carina steals from her lips with another, brief kiss. Maya gently snatches the wine from her hands and wanders into the kitchen to find some glasses. Carina, meanwhile, looks around the dimly lit apartment, noticing the flames that roar in the fireplace. She has been on her feet all day, moving from delivery to delivery, and has been counting down the hours to this evening. Now that she is here, she immediately feels her body relax in the warmth and cosiness of the room.

“This looks romantic,” she comments, a teasing smile on her face.

“Well, I have a confession to make,” Maya says. She spins around and leans against the counter as she watches Carina hang her jacket on the coat stand and slip out of her shoes, kicking them carelessly into one corner of the room. Maya’s heart flutters in her chest at the ease at which Carina feels comfortable in her apartment.

Carina looks over at her and surveys the kitchen, its empty surfaces and the lack of any pots and pans on the stove. She doesn’t say anything, but smiles knowingly and walks over to where Maya stands, opening the drawer where she keeps the takeout menus.

Maya twists her lips regretfully. “I’m sorry. I only got home forty-five minutes ago.”

It had been enough time for Maya to jump in the shower, tidy the apartment and light the fire, but her absent mind had forgotten to fill the refrigerator with food. Carina doesn’t look surprised or annoyed. Maya had told her about the stress debriefing, trying to play it down as an unnecessary task but Carina knew how important it was for all of them to process their feelings about Rigo’s death – especially for Maya and the guilt she carries.

Carina reaches into the drawer and picks up a selection of menus, spreading them out in a fan.

“Your choice.”

They order Vietnamese from Pho’s, a local restaurant that opened a couple of weeks ago. They make light conversation as they eat, with Carina regaling stories of her day, a father-to-be who turned pale and passed out mid-way through a delivery, and the latest gossip she has heard from the residents. Maya tells her about the old man who called them out to help with what he had described as an exotic animal rescue, but had turned out to be his pet parrot that had escaped. After an hour, they had finally been able to trap the bird in his garage, at which point it had launched into a tirade of cuss words at them.

After their feast, they settle on the sofa with a glass of wine from the bottle Carina had brought with her. They share a weariness, dropping limply against the soft cushions. They both curl their bodies towards each other, as Carina’s eyes sweep over Maya’s face.

“Did you get any sleep last night?”

“A little,” Maya lies. It had been one hell of a shift, with a number of overnight calls leaving no time for rest. She would normally have slept the day away but she had been milling around the station all day as her team had met with Doctor Lewis one by one. The truth is her body aches from feeling so tired and she can’t wait to curl up into bed. There was a time she would have blown off a date in favour of sleep, but not with Carina. She knows she can rest with Carina; that Carina has no expectations of what Maya should be except herself, even if that self is tired and not the best company.

“So, did it go okay today?” Carina asks tentatively. She doesn’t want to pry, but she selfishly wants to know that Maya got what she needed out of the counselling session.

“It was good,” Maya says. “It was intense for some, I think.”

Doctor Lewis had not given much away, but from what Maya could gather, forcing her team to speak to the trauma specialist had been the right thing to do, despite their protestations.

“And you?”

Doctor Lewis’s words come to her mind again. “She made me think about some things,” Maya admits.

Carina looks at her, waiting to see if she will say any more, and Maya sees the concerned frown on her face. Cradling her glass of wine in one hand, she reaches out and takes Carina’s hand in her other, squeezing it gently.

“Good things,” Maya assures her.

Carina’s face relaxes into a small smile. “And the guilt?”

“I’ll always wish I made another decision that day,” Maya says honestly. “But I can’t hold onto that guilt forever.”

Carina feels relieved. She can see the weight that has been lifted from Maya’s shoulders and is happy to see her more relaxed than she has been in weeks.

“I’m glad it helped,” Carina says, running her thumb over the back of Maya’s hand.

“So have you,” Maya says. “These last few weeks, even with everything you have going on with your brother, you’ve been there for me. If I haven’t already said it… thank you.”

Carina smiles. “Qualsiasi cosa per te, tesoro mio.”

There is something about the way that Carina looks at her that makes Maya’s cheeks glow red and she narrows her eyes playfully, hoping that Carina doesn’t notice.

“That’s really not fair, you know,” Maya says.

Carina laughs, a proper happy laugh that Maya hasn’t heard for weeks.

“How’s Andrew doing?”

“He’s doing okay. He’s a little low, but he hasn’t had any manic episodes since that night,” Carina answers. Her expression is sombre, but her mood doesn’t darken like it usually does when she is talking about her brother, and Maya takes that to be a good sign.

“That sounds positive,” Maya says. “No luck with getting him treatment?”

Carina shakes her head. “I haven’t pushed the conversation. I know I should, but he’s talking to me at the moment and I don’t want to ruin that. At least, not for now. I know it’s selfish…”

“Hey, it’s okay to be a little selfish,” Maya says, moving her hand and rubbing the top of Carina’s thigh affectionately. “You’ve done so much for him already.”

Carina flops down into the back cushion of the sofa, her arm extended long, and Maya can see that she is just as exhausted as she is. She realises that, with everything she is going through with Andrew, Carina could do with some rest and sleep herself. Maya has a sudden urge to shut out the world for a moment, to wrap them both up in the clouds and hide away from all the pain and frustrations in their lives. She pictures them miles away from the city, no responsibilities; just the two of them with time to rest and sleep.

It is an unfamiliar picture. Maya’s father taught her to embrace the pain, eyes forward at all times. It is not a natural instinct to stop and rest, but isn’t that what Doctor Lewis had encouraged her to do?

Maya runs her fingertips along the inside of Carina’s arm affectionately, watching as Carina’s lips turn upwards in a content smile. The smallest physical affection causes a jolt through her body and she embraces it.

“You know, I was thinking,” Maya says. She glances at Carina and takes a deep breath as she prepares to take a leap of faith. “Could you take some days off? Could we try to go somewhere?”

Carina lifts her head, immediately curious.

“I thought you have to work?”

Maya feels a little flustered and she smiles nervously. “I have some personal days saved up.”

Carina lifts her hand and rests her cheek against it. “How many?”

“Like a hundred maybe,” Maya says. They share a laugh. “I don’t take days off,” she admits, “but I would like to try.”

She has never wanted to try before, but she feels empowered. Carina told her recently that she had forgotten what is important. Maya thinks she never saw it before, that love doesn’t have to be a distraction. That it is possible to fall in love and embrace that love to get more out of life, instead of less.  

Carina drops her head back down onto her arm with a delighted smile on her face. She nods. “Yes.”

Maya doesn’t know why she is surprised at how easily Carina agrees, but she is. “Yeah?”

“Yes!” Carina says with even more enthusiasm.

“Really? I mean, I know it means leaving Andrew for a few days and there’s work and…”

“Maya!” Carina interrupts her, laughing as she draws herself up to sitting. “I would love to go on vacation with you.” She takes the wine glass out of Maya’s hand, placing it on the table, then turns back to where Maya is sitting, her hands resting on Maya’s legs. “I would love to sit on a beach, in the sunshine, with you in a bikini, drinking cocktails.”

Maya smiles at the image that pops into her head, her lips twisting into a smirk at the thought of Carina in a bikini, with her long legs and tanned skin.

“I should probably tell you that I’m not very good at it,” she confesses.

“At going on vacation?”

“At sitting still. Drinking cocktails, doing nothing,” Maya says. “At stopping and resting and sleeping.”

It sounds stupid when she repeats Doctor Lewis’s words out loud. It is not who she is. It is not who her father built her to be.

Carina stares at her for a moment. She feels something different in Maya. She is a whirlwind, the kind of person who wakes up at 5am to fit in a workout before running to work. The kind of person who spends her days off rushing around the city running errands, who struggles to settle on the sofa to watch a movie that’s longer than two hours. And yet, here she is, suggesting they go on vacation to stop and rest, something that Carina usually struggles to persuade her to do.

“Eyes forward?”

She remembers what Maya told her before, about the way her father had always taught her to keep her eyes on the prize, to focus on work not play.

Maya nods, a rueful smile passing across her lips.

“But… you want to try?”

Maya nods, her heart thumping in her chest. “With you I do, yeah.”

Carina grins so widely that the smile takes over her face. She leans forwards, pressing her nose against Maya’s and hovering her lips just in front of her, knowing that the anticipation of the kiss would draw a reaction.

Maya laughs happily. She is a mixture of relieved and elated at Carina’s response to her question and she leans in to capture her lips in a kiss. She slides her hands around Carina’s torso and sinks down into the sofa cushions, pulling Carina down on top of her. Carina settles in between her thighs, pushing her hips down to close the gap between their bodies.

“There’ll be time for this on vacation too, right?” Carina says in between kisses.

“Well, we can’t just sit on the beach and drink cocktails all the time,” Maya says. “We’ve got to do something to raise our heart rates.”

“That’s my kind of exercise,” Carina purrs as she starts her descent, kissing her way along Maya’s jawline and down her neck.

The softness of her lips earns Carina a desperate whimper as Maya’s body starts to react to her touch, craving her bare skin against her own.

“Stay with me tonight?” The words escape from Maya’s mouth before she realises what she has said and she feels herself blushing again. “If Andrew doesn’t need you at home, I mean.”

Carina lifts herself up onto her hands and peers down at Maya underneath her.

“Maya, you need to sleep.”

“I know,” Maya says. “I just…”

She doesn’t know how to tell her that wanting her to stay isn’t about sex, it is about the physical comfort of falling asleep with Carina’s arms wrapped around her and knowing that she will still be there in the morning. It’s about resting and sleeping with the person she cares about lying next to her.

“I want you to stay,” Maya repeats.

Carina looks at her in a way that Maya is certain pierces through all the walls she has built up over the years to really see her.

She nods slowly. “I can stay.” She wants to stay. She wants to stay in the warmth and cosiness of Maya’s apartment for as long as she can, where she can stop and rest and sleep herself, before she has to return to the reality of her brother’s illness.

Maya’s hands circle the back of her head and she pulls Carina’s lips down to meet her own, with the realisation that, along with resting and sleeping, she might just be brave enough to love her, too.

Chapter Text

It is almost eight o’clock by the time Carina’s Porsche pulls up outside the fire station, which leaves Maya feeling twitchy. She normally gets to the station in time for a pre-shift workout before the first of her team arrives for breakfast, but Carina had distracted her from her usual routine. Not that Maya had put up much of a fight as Carina had pulled her into the shower and suggested that they conserve water by showering together, claiming that this would only help the fire department the next time they hooked up their hoses to a fire hydrant. She had flashed one of her most charming smiles and Maya had succumbed easily. Except now Maya has lost the extra hour she was counting on to work on next month’s rotas and she still has a pile of inspection reports to sign off, not to mention the fact that she has a budget meeting in two weeks that for which she is currently ill-prepared. Maybe she will get lucky and they will have a relatively peaceful shift to allow her time to get on top of everything before her vacation.

“Maya?”

“Hmm?”

She turns and looks at Carina, who is staring at her with a crinkle in her forehead. Even with just fifteen minutes to get ready and out the door, Carina’s hair and makeup was immaculate while Maya had opted for a more disheveled look in her uniform.  

“Sorry,” Maya quickly apologises. “I was just thinking about…”

“Work?” Carina’s lips curl into a smile.

Maya looks away guiltily.

“You know it was your idea to go on vacation?” Carina reminds her, with a hint of amusement in her voice.

“I know,” Maya says. “And I’m looking forward to it, I am. I just have a few things I need to get done before we go away.”

Her tone is a little more brusque than she intends and she immediately looks remorseful. Carina’s eyebrows arch upwards, but she doesn’t say anything. Instead, she reaches out and tucks a loose strand of hair behind Maya’s ear. Her hand is warm and soft, and Maya feels her skin prickle at the tenderness of her actions.

“I am looking forward to going away with you,” Maya says, more softly this time.

Carina’s face relaxes into a smile and she hooks her finger under Maya’s chin, guiding her lips towards her own for a brief kiss.

“Me too,” she says. “Just us for three days, sun and cocktails and… other things.”

Her eyes twinkle mischievously and she dips her head lower to leave a kiss on Maya’s neck.

Maya sighs happily. “I’m really looking forward to it.”

Carina grins. “I told you, vacations are fun. And maybe you’ll even get a tan in the sunshine!”

Maya laughs and pushes her away playful. “I’m going to be late,” she says. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

Carina nods resolutely. “You remember the plan?”

“I’ll finish work, go home and sleep, pack my bag and pick you up from the hospital at four o’clock, and we’ll head straight to the airport,” Maya recites.

“Don’t be late,” Carina commands.

“I’ll be on time, I promise,” Maya says.

As she climbs out of the car, Carina leans across the passenger seat to call after her.

“Maya?”

Maya pauses and bends down. “Yeah?”

“Don’t forget to pack your skimpiest swimsuit.”

Maya laughs again as she pushes the car door closed. Carina speeds off in the direction of Grey Sloan and Maya turns on her heel, heading into the station. Emmett is on the front desk and tries to look busy when he sees her walk through the door.

“Morning Probie,” she greets him. “Everything okay here?”

“All good, Captain,” Emmett says nervously, as if she might criticise him any moment.

Maya retreats into her office and slips out of her jacket, hanging it in its usual spot in her bunk room. She straightens her uniform and buttons her shirt, then ties her hair back into a tight ponytail. Her eyes are drawn to the pile of reports on her desk and she feels her body tense up at the thought of leaving the station for three days. She wants to rest and sleep and love, but her brain is still wired to focus on work and it is a difficult pattern for her to break. She is determined to try though, and she figures that coffee and breakfast is needed to get her through the next twenty four hours.

Missing her usual run to the station, Maya takes the steps two at a time to elevate her heart rate for a moment. The rest of the team, except for Ben, have already congregated in the beanery. As she walks through the door, she hears Dean and Jack arguing over the last waffle, and someone scoffs at Vic’s suggestion to “simply make some more”. There was a time not too long ago that the room would have fallen silent when Maya walked in. Today, although her presence is barely acknowledged in the midst of some jovial banter, it is no longer the cause of an uncomfortable atmosphere.

Maya heads straight to the coffee pot and is glad to find it half-full, meaning she doesn’t have to wait for a fresh batch.

“Andy, Gibson, we need a debrief later. You’re covering me for the next few days,” Maya says as she pours what she knows will be her first of many.

With her back turned, Maya doesn’t see the raised eyebrows.

“We’re covering for you?” Jack questions. “Why?”

Maya gives a nonchalant shrug, as she moves across the kitchen and retrieves a bowl from the cupboard. “I’m taking some personal days.”

Andy and Jack share a look of surprise mixed with worry. They watch as Maya grabs a box of cereal and pulls the milk from the refrigerator, and steps up to the island. They are waiting for an explanation that doesn’t come.

“Is everything okay?” Andy asks.

Maya nods, ignorant to their concern as she makes her breakfast. “Hmm? Everything’s fine.”

“Is it… I mean, is everything alright at home?”

Maya picks up on their weird mood and looks up, becoming immediately aware that everyone is watching her intently. Her gaze flicks between each of them.

“What’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong with you?” Jack asks.

Maya’s brow furrows with confusion. “Nothing’s wrong. Why would you think something was wrong?”

“Uh, because it’s you and you never take days off,” Vic interjects. “Anyone else, yes, but not you.”

Maya finally understands their surprise and rolls her eyes. “Guys, it’s just a few days off, it’s not a big deal.”

“I’m jealous, I’d love to spend a few days in the sunshine by a pool right now,” Ben says as he saunters into the kitchen and catches the end of their conversation.

Five heads spin to look at him, while Maya slowly shifts her gaze towards him, her head tipping to the right and her eyes narrowing. Ben’s eyes widen, feigning innocence.

“What?”

“Vacation? You’re going on vacation?” Gibson asks incredulously.

“Yes, I’m going on vacation,” Maya admits. “It’s no big deal.”

“Oh, it’s a big deal,” Andy teases her gently.

“Question is, Warren, who is she going on vacation with?” Dean says, sidling up to Ben and slinging an arm casually around his neck.

Ben looks from Maya to the team, then back to Maya, before holding his hands up in mock defensiveness. “Oh no. I value my job too much,” he says, slipping out from underneath Dean’s embrace. “And my life.”

Travis leans forwards against the kitchen island. “This wouldn’t have anything to do with the tall, dark, hot doctor that was hanging out here with lasagna the other week?”

Maya feels her cheeks flush and she drops her eyes, causing Travis to smile triumphantly. “I knew it!”

Vic smacks him playfully. “And you didn’t tell us?”

“Wait, was that the lasagna we ate after the fire downtown at the shoe factory? That was pretty tasty,” Jack says.

Maya rolls her eyes. “I wondered where it went.”

“Don’t change the subject.”

“Are you holding out on us, Bishop?”

“Yeah, come on, Maya, spill!”

All eyes are on Maya as they wait for her to tell them more about the mystery person who has persuaded her to take some time off work and go on vacation. As Maya opens her mouth to speak, she hears the familiar clip of heels on the hard floor and she turns to see Carina walking into the beanery.

Carina looks a little taken aback to see the whole team there and enters the room tentatively.

“Oh, hello,” she greets them.

Jack is the first one to step forward, puffing his chest and squaring his shoulders. “Ma’am, I’m Lieutenant Jack Gibson, can I help you?”

Maya has to bite her lip to stop herself from smirking at Jack’s obvious bravado. She sees a flicker of recognition pass across Carina’s face at hearing his name and watches as her eyes sweep over him, sizing him up. A small smile forms on Carina’s lips.

“No, thank you,” she rejects him outright.

There is a titter of laughter amongst the team. They watch as she side steps Jack and walks over to the island, nodding a hello at Ben and stopping by Maya’s side.

“You left your cell phone in my car,” she says.

Maya takes her iPhone from her hand, their fingers lightly brushing together drawing a smile from Carina.

“Thank you.”

Someone coughs for attention – Vic, she thinks – and Maya realises that everyone is waiting for an introduction.

“Carina, this is everyone,” Maya says, nodding her head towards her team. “Everyone, this is Carina.”

Carina smiles and offers a small wave, seemingly unfazed by the attention that is suddenly on her.

Travis is the first to introduce himself. “Travis Montgomery, hi, we met the other week,” he reminds her. He holds out his hand and Carina accepts it politely.

“Right, yes, hello again,” Carina says.

Vic is next. “Vic Hughes.”

“Carina DeLuca.”

The name jogs a memory in Vic’s mind. “Wait – DeLuca? Isn’t there a Doctor DeLuca at Grey Sloan?”

Carina nods with a small smile. “My brother.”

Only Maya picks up on the small shift in her mood at the mention of Andrew and she places a comforting hand on Carina’s back.

“Carina and Andrew are both doctors,” Ben explains.

Andy is the next to introduce herself. “Andy Herrera. You’re OB, right? You were on the end of the phone the night JJ gave birth in the snow storm?”

She remembers Maya passing off the acquaintance as a friend.

“Oh, well then I owe you a thank you, Prue is my daughter.” Dean offers a handshake. “Dean Miller.”

“Ah, si, Maya has shown me some photos of the bambina,” Carina says.

All eyes are on Maya again, an air of astonishment that she would do something so soft.

“What? She’s cute!” Maya defends herself.

“Yes, she is,” Dean says proudly.

Beside her, Carina leans into Maya’s shoulder. “I have to get to the hospital.”

Maya starts to turn. “I’ll walk you out.”

“No need,” Carina says, casually waving her hand dismissively. “I can find the way.”

Maya sees the glint in Carina’s eyes and feels her body instinctively tense up as Carina dips her head to leave a soft kiss on her cheek, except her usual dismay at such a public display of affection is replaced with a warmth that settles on her chest – although she is pretty sure her team can see her cheeks turn pink.   

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Carina says definitively. 

Maya nods. “Four o’clock, I promise.”

Carina looks back at the team and chuckles at the way they are all watching her sweet gesture. “It was nice to meet you all,” Carina says with a bright smile.

There was a chorus of “you too” as Carina turns and makes her way out of the beanery. Maya braces herself for the inevitable teasing that is bound to follow as soon as Carina is out of earshot.

“Damn, Maya, she’s hot!” Vic says.

“You have been holding out on us,” Jack says with a sly grin.

Maya shakes her head and laughs as they fire questions at her. How long has she known Carina? Where did they meet? When did they start dating?

“Don’t you guys have chores to do?” Maya says pointedly, although she can’t deny that the way they circle around her for gossip feels good, like it used to before she was their Captain.

“Yes, but this is much more fun,” Travis teases.

“Is the sex good? I bet the sex is good,” Vic says.

“Vic!” Maya exclaims.

Vic lifts her arms and shrugs casually. “What?”

“You know, when Carina first arrived at Grey Sloan, she had women lining up to masturbate in the MRI machine,” Ben comments. After a beat he adds, “for a study.” He grins as they all stare at him with mouths gaping – even Maya. “I’d be disappointed if the sex wasn’t any good.”

“Okay, enough!” Maya says, trying to gain back some control over her team. “Go and find something better to do.”

They disperse, laughing. Only Jack and Andy hang back, still watching her curiously.

“You’ve never been shy about talking about your conquests before,” Jack observes.

His words immediately rile her. “Carina’s not a conquest,” Maya says.

“No, I get that,” Jack says. He grins knowingly. “You’re smitten, aren’t you?”

“It’s none of your business,” Maya says shortly.  

Jack stares at her for a moment, as if he is contemplating pushing her further, but he takes the hint and walks off.

Andy steps around the island and leans her hip on the counter. “He’s right, isn’t he?”  

Maya looks at her, a small frown on her face. “What do you mean?”

“You like her,” Andy says. “I mean, you like her like her.”

It is a conversation that Maya has wanted to have with Andy for weeks, missing their old camaraderie over the last few months, and she feels a peace settle over her as they talk.

“I do,” Maya admits with a small smile. “I really like her. She’s… not like anyone else I’ve ever met.”

Andy smiles at her admission, although it is tinged with regret. “I guess we have a lot to catch up.”

Maya nods. “I guess we do,” she says. She hesitates. “Maybe we could catch up over a drink next week, when I’m back?”

Andy’s face softens into a smile. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

Before they have the chance to make firm plans, the siren sounds. “Engine 19, Ladder 19 and Aid Car 19…”

Their ears prick and they listen to the details of a house fire that appears to be spreading along a terraced road on the east side of the city. They rush out of the beanery and down the stairs. The whole team descends quickly to the vehicle bay and they slip into their turnout gear quickly.

“Okay guys, this one sounds big. Let’s go,” Maya calls out, her mind turning briefly to the pile of reports on her desk as she climbs into the engine. So much for a peaceful shift.

Chapter Text

Reclining on her sun lounger, Carina feels the heat of the sun soaking into her skin and she enjoys the warmth that spreads through her body, down to the tip of her toes. She feels the tension in her body ease as she sinks into the soft cushion beneath her, and she feels more relaxed than she has in weeks. She lets her mind empty of all the things that have been troubling her and pushes aside any guilt that threatens to creep in. Andrew is doing okay right now and had insisted that she should enjoy a few days away with her girlfriend after all she has done to take care of him lately. Besides, both Meredith and Bailey have promised to call her if anything happens that needs her to return home, and her phone has been quiet since they arrived at their hotel, which means all is well.

With her eyes closed, Carina listens to the noise around her, her ears settling on the splash of water. She doesn’t need to watch to know that Maya is still swimming lengths of the pool. After a restless morning and some gentle persuasion to forget about work, Maya had finally joined her outside and Carina had been glad to see her finally relax into their vacation. Even some unwelcome attention from Todd and his friends did not disturb them too much and Carina can’t deny that watching Maya win the push-up competition had been fun. She knew from the steely look of determination in Maya’s eyes that she wasn’t going to let some cocky young man beat her. Her hair pulled back in a messy ponytail and her muscles flexed, Carina enjoyed it immensely, not least because it earned her a victory kiss too.

With bellies full of French fries and mozzarella sticks and cocktails, they had spent the next few hours chilling by the pool. The midday heat meant that Maya was militant about sunscreen, although Carina is pretty sure that she was only using it as an excuse to get a little handsy in public. The conversation was kept light, a quiet understanding between them that they had left behind the stresses of life in Seattle – despite Maya’s tendency to check her phone for messages every now and again. Sometimes there was no conversation at all, falling into a comfortable silence as they simply enjoyed each other’s company.

Eventually, Maya had become restless again and had dived into the pool, where she had been for the last twenty minutes. Intrigue finally wins and Carina tips her head, opening her eyes, and she watches as Maya glides through the water, up and down with steady strokes. Her eyes follow the muscles in Maya’s back as they work hard with every movement and she licks her lips instinctively. She craves more than just gratuitous staring from the side of the pool, the throbbing between her legs telling her that she wants Maya’s hands and lips on her body. She rests her hands either side of her hips and pushes herself up to sitting, swings her legs off the sun lounger, and places her feet onto the hot ground. She stands up slowly and rolls her shoulders, stretching her neck, before wandering over to the side of the pool. She crouches down before sliding her feet into the water. She swings her legs, creating small waves, and enjoys the sensation of the cool water against her hot skin. It takes a few minutes before Maya realises that she is being watched, and when she does, she slows her pace a little and twists her body to alter her direction, coming to a stop just to the right side of Carina’s legs. There is a small ledge beneath the water and she brings her knees up to rest on it. She pushes her hair out of her face and looks up at Carina, her eyes squinting against the bright sunshine. 

“Hello,” she greets her brightly. “Coming in for a swim?”

Carina laughs. “Uh, no, it’s too cold,” she says.

“Come on,” Maya says gleefully, tugging gently at Carina’s right foot. Her eyes sweep over her, watching the beads of sweat trickle down her body. “You’re looking a little flushed. And staying out in the sun for too long isn’t good for you.”

Carina kicks her left foot, causing a gentle splash that catches Maya’s cheek and shoulder.

“Hey!” she calls out. Her eyes narrow mischievously. “Two can play that game, you know.”

Maya leans backwards and dips down into the water until her shoulders are covered, before pushing herself up with her legs and raising her arms. Water flies through the air and hits Carina’s chest, falling down her body and soaking into her bikini. She squeals.

“Okay, okay, you win!” Carina says, laughing.

Maya grins triumphantly and falls backwards into the water, letting her legs hang underneath her and keeping herself afloat with her arms.

“Are you sure I can’t tempt you?”

Carina twists her lips into a teasing smirk. “Actually, I was wondering if I could tempt you away from the pool? Maybe get some shade inside for a while?”

It is a loaded question and Maya looks up at her with a knowing smile. She swims towards the edge and rests her hands on the side, pushing herself up and out of the pool. Carina watches appreciatively, using every ounce of self control not to launch herself on to her lips there and then. Maya stands and shakes the loose strands of hair out of her eyes, causing droplets of water to fall around her, some landing on the top of Carina’s head.

Carina swats her leg playfully. “Stop doing that!”

Maya chuckles and holds out a hand, which Carina accepts gratefully, allowing Maya to pull her up to standing. The swift movement causes her to stumble a little and she falls against Maya’s body. The feel of Maya’s cool, wet skin against her own sends a shiver down her spine, and she inhales sharply. Maya smiles knowingly. Carina reaches for a towel first and swings it around Maya’s shoulders, drawing it together in between their bodies and pulling Maya gently towards her. Maya steps forwards just enough for their chests to bump together. She smiles and goes to say something, but Carina silences her with a kiss that promises more when they are alone. Carina grabs her own towel and bag, and they make their way back to their apartment, joking and teasing each other as they walk.

Maya takes the lead as they climb the small staircase to their apartment, her towel dropping to her waist as she walks giving Carina another chance to admire the muscles in her back. She feels a pulsing sensation between her legs and she becomes impatient as Maya chatters away, oblivious to her growing desires. She rolls her eyes as Maya extracts her cell phone from her bag and scrolls through her messages.

“Huh, there’s a two alarm fire downtown,” Maya mutters as they step inside the apartment.

Carina kicks the door closed and immediately slides one arm around Maya’s waist, pushing her chest against Maya’s back. Her other hand grabs the cell phone from Maya’s hand and tosses it on the sofa.

“We’re on vacation, stop thinking about work!”

Maya goes to object, but Carina distracts her with a kiss at the base of her neck and she sinks her teeth into her skin, making her needs very clear. She grabs Maya’s towel and pulls it from her body, tossing it away. Her own towel falls to the floor and she presses her legs against the back of Maya’s thighs, revelling in the contact.

Maya is taken a little by surprise at the desperateness of her actions, a quiet “oh” escaping from her mouth as Carina’s lips ascend her neck, finding her earlobe and sucking gently.

“Maya…” Carina purrs into her ear.

Maya wriggles out of her grasp and spins on the spot, an amused smile on her face. “You’re not even going to let me wash the chlorine off?”

“No,” Carina says, a sly grin on her face. “You’ve had your swim…” Her hand reaches for the zipper on Maya’s swimsuit and she drags it down until it hits its end point just above her navel. “…now it’s time for my workout.”

Carina tucks her fingers underneath the collar of the suit and pushes it down over Maya’s shoulders until it rests on her waist, exposing her chest. Her lips find Maya’s and she kisses her, hard and messy, her hands palming her breasts. Carina walks her backwards towards the bed. Maya falls first, bouncing on the soft mattress with a small laugh. Carina rests her knees against the edge of the bed and reaches for Maya’s swimsuit once again, tugging it gently over her hips and down Maya’s legs. She smiles, biting her bottom lip as her eyes sweep over Maya’s naked body, a warmth spreading between her legs.

She rests one knee on the bed and slips her hand around Maya’s thighs, lifting her legs a little and encouraging her up the bed. Maya shuffles back and lays her head on a pillow, watching as Carina follows her, kneeling by her feet. Carina rests her hands on Maya’s knees and pulls her legs apart slowly, lifting herself up and crawling forwards until she is hovering over her, one hand either side of Maya’s head. Carina kisses her again, slowly this time but just as desperately, her tongue slipping into Maya’s mouth and curling with hers. She lowers her body until they connect, her thigh pressing against Maya’s centre and feeling her wetness against her skin. She moans into Maya’s mouth and grinds against her slowly, building her arousal.

Maya’s hands slip around Carina’s back and pull at the strings of her bikini top until they come loose. Carina dips slightly so that Maya can pull the halterneck over her head, which quickly ends up on the floor. Maya’s hands slip between their bodies, caressing the curve of Carina’s breasts as her thumbs gently graze her nipples.

“Kiss me,” Maya begs.

Carina complies willingly, their lips crashing together once more. She presses her chest into Maya’s palms and drops her hips onto Maya’s, coming to rest on her forearms.

“Ti voglio così tanto,” Carina murmurs, kissing her way along Maya’s jaw to her neck, then down to her chest.

Her skin is soft, and tastes of chlorine and sun screen. Her lips sink over the hard peaks of Maya’s nipples, one by one, the tip of her tongue dancing against them. She glides down the bed, kissing and nipping and biting every inch of flesh she can, taking in every part of Maya’s body. Maya’s skin prickles with goosebumps as the wet marks cool in the air-conditioned room and Carina runs her hands over them. She reaches Maya’s toned abs and she becomes distracted watching as the muscles contract under her touch.

“God, I love your body,” she murmurs as she runs the length of her tongue across Maya’s stomach and down to her pubic bone. She can smell the sweet scent of Maya’s arousal and she inhales deeply, before pressing a kiss into her curls.

Carina adjusts her position so that she is lying down the bed, with her feet hanging off the edge and her head between Maya’s legs. She leaves a flurry of kisses along Maya’s thighs, teasing her, kissing every inch except for the part that Maya wants the most. She feels Maya writhe beneath her, her own impatience growing.

“Carina… please…”

Carina doesn’t make her wait any longer, knowing she is close. She dips her head and glides her tongue through Maya’s arousal, taking her swollen clit between her lips and sucking gently. She feels a hand on her head as Maya grabs fistfuls of her hair. Maya’s hips buck and Carina wraps her arms around her thighs, her hands resting on her hips and holding her down as she teases her clit, the skill of her lips and tongue sending Maya crashing over the edge.

With her hips pinned to the bed, Maya’s back arches as her orgasm rips through her and she cries out. Her free hand flails above her head, grasping at the pillow, while the hand that is lost in Carina’s hair tugs at it roughly.

Carina runs her tongue through her folds, lapping up her arousal as Maya comes down from her climax. Once Maya is calm, Carina slides back up Maya’s body.

“You okay?”

Maya nods and draws her in for a kiss, cleaning herself from Carina’s chin. Maya’s legs fall wearily to the bed and Carina slips out from between them, curling herself around Maya’s body, her head resting on the edge of Maya’s pillow. Her breath is warm on Maya’s neck and she places a soft kiss on her shoulder as her right hand traces feathery lines across Maya’s chest, her fingers mindlessly twisting the ends of her hair. Maya tips her head to look at her and smiles, her eyes shining.

“You’re amazing,” she gushes.

She turns on to her side so that she is facing Carina, her right arm tucked under her head. She tangles her feet with Carina’s while she runs the back of her fingers of her left hand down Carina’s body, through the dip between her breasts and over her stomach, and underneath the hem of her bikini bottoms. She watches with a smile as Carina’s breath hitches when her fingers slip into her curls. Carina lets out a contented sigh.

Maya shifts her body weight, beginning to inch her way down the bed, but Carina stops her.

“No. Here,” she commands, pulling Maya in for another kiss.

Maya takes the hint and kisses her back, settling back on to her side and pressing herself against Carina’s body. She extracts her arm from under her head and extends it long, her fingers playing with Carina’s hair. Her left hand strokes Carina’s wet folds, her fingers teasing her opening as her thumb rubs circles around her swollen nub, and Maya feels Carina whimper softly against her mouth.

Maya slides two fingers inside of her, gradually increasing the pressure of her thumb on her clit, bringing her closer to orgasm. She watches Carina’s expression as she falls apart under her touch, losing her kiss as her lips part and she lets out a guttural moan.

When her heart stops pounding so hard in her chest, Carina opens her eyes, an affectionate smile on her face.

“Best vacation ever,” Maya says.

Carina laughs. She nuzzles her nose against Maya’s cheek and kisses the corner of her mouth lazily. Maya lengthens her body, her legs extending down the bed and her arms stretching above her head.

“Now I really do need to shower.”

“Is that an invitation?” Carina asks, a flirtatious tone to her voice.

Maya’s eyes crinkle happily. “Of course.”

They stay in the shower until the water runs tepid, washing the sweat and sex from their bodies with a tender intimacy. Carina washes Maya’s hair, her fingernails scraping against her head, causing Maya to tip her head backwards against her chest. Maya returns the favour, grumbling playfully that she has to lift herself onto tiptoes to reach that causes Carina to laugh. Carina refuses to use the hotel shampoo, complaining that it is full of too many chemicals, preferring to use the organic brand she buys from the fancy drugstore in the city. There is even a bottle in Maya’s apartment, and the firefighter has been known to use it every now and again when Carina hasn’t been there – not that she would admit that, given how expensive it is.

They bundle themselves up in the hotel’s robes afterwards, letting their damp hair hang loose. Carina opens the balcony doors, letting warm air into the apartment. The curtains billow in the breeze and she pauses for a moment as the sun hits her face and closes her eyes, realising how happy she is in that moment. When she turns, Maya is sat on one side of the bed scrolling through her phone.

With a roll of her eyes, Carina wanders over to her and snatches it from Maya’s hands, tossing it to the end of the bed.

“Hey!”

“I told you, no work!” Carina scolds her.

Maya tips her head and pouts. “It wasn’t work! I was looking at places I can take you out for dinner.”

“Really?” Carina questions, her eyebrows arched.

Maya reaches for the knot in the belt of her robe and tugs her closer. Carina lifts her knees onto the bed and straddles Maya’s legs, resting on her thighs.

“Really.”

Carina’s hair hangs loose and damp around her shoulders, and falls against Maya’s chest as she dips her head and kisses her deeply, pushing their bodies down onto the bed until Maya is propped up on her elbows. Maya slips her arm around Carina’s waist and uses the power in her thighs to flip them over. Carina laughs as her back hits the soft mattress. Maya steadies herself on her knees as she straddles Carina’s left thigh, her left hand snaking around Carina’s right leg and pulling her closer until their bodies connect. Carina sinks her teeth into her bottom lip as she watches Maya dip lower, resting against her body. Maya kisses her once again, her tongue sweeping her lips before pushing its way inside to dance with her own. Carina moans into their kiss, her hands wrapping around Maya’s waist.

When she is done assaulting her lips, Maya kisses her way along Carina’s jawline. Her hands gently caress her neck as she nips and sucks at the sweet spot just behind Carina’s ear, before returning to her lips. Carina starts to pull at Maya’s robe, desperate for more contact with her skin, when Maya’s phone pings with a new message.

Maya is immediately distracted.

“No! Don’t do that! No!” Carina grumbles, although there is a lightness to her voice.

Maya giggles as she reaches for her cell phone and looks at message that lights up the screen. She feels all of the serotonin drain from her body when reads it.

“Four alarms.” She edges away from her girlfriend and swings her legs off the bed to the floor.

“Anything you can help with from a thousand miles away?” Carina says, a little bemused as she sits up on the bed behind her.

She shuffles towards where Maya is now sat at the end of the bed and goes to press her body against Maya’s back to encourage her to return to their make out session, disappointed when Maya brushes her off and stands.

“It’s a four alarm fire, they’re expecting it to get to five,” Maya says. “They’re calling everyone in.”

Carina doesn’t get why she is so bothered. “They’ll call everyone else, they are going to put out the fire,” she says, watching Maya’s back as she wanders through the room.

“It’s… I’m…” Maya feels her chest tighten and her throat close up, her body flushing with heat all of a sudden. “I’m… I’m the captain, I should be there. A… a five alarm fire is, um…”

Carina sees and hears the same hints of distress that Maya displayed many months ago in bed when she had been upset about the truck that had crashed into the group of motorcyclists.

“Maya…”

“I should be, I should be with them, I’ve never been this far away when…”

“Maya,” Carina says, more softly.

“Now I’m too, I’m too far away…” Her gestures become more erratic and Carina recognises what is happening.

“Maya… Maya… okay, Maya, you’re having a panic attack,” Carina says. She stands up and walks slowly towards her girlfriend, careful not to crowd her or put too much pressure on her. “It’s okay, it’s okay, I’ve got you. They are going to put out the fire.”

“But what if… what if somebody gets hurt?” Maya questions, brushing past her and seeking air from the open balcony door.

“There are emergencies in every state and in every country during every hour and every minute of every single day, and they all get solved and fixed even without you there,” Carina attempts to reassure her. “It will be okay, they will be okay.”

She can see that her words are not having the effect she wants, as Maya’s panic attack continues to grow. Her skin becomes clammy and there is a permanent frown on her face as she stares at Carina blankly, as if listening to her speak but not really hearing her words.

“But it’s… but I’m…”

“Okay, okay, look at me, look at me,” Carina says calmly, placing her hands gently on Maya’s arms and steering her towards end of the bed again. “Yeah, look at me, your eyes only need to be on me.”

Maya struggles against her and Carina knows that she is falling into the same bad pattern that her father taught her when she was growing up. Eyes forward at all times, always on work, never allowing herself a moment to rest and sleep.

“No no no no no, no eyes forward, no eyes forward.” She cups her hands around Maya’s face, guiding her eyes towards her own. “Eyes only on me. Good, breathe.”

Carina inhales a deep breath through her nose and waits for Maya to copy before letting out a slow, steady exhale.

“Good.”

She repeats her action a few times and Maya tries to follow, but her breathing remains laboured as her mind jumbles with thoughts and fears. Carina wraps one hand around Maya’s wrist and feels her pulse racing under her skin.

“Maya…” Carina tries to get her to focus again. “Maya, I want you to do something for me. I want you to tell me five things you can see.”

Maya frowns and shakes her head. “What?” she asks breathlessly.

“Trust me,” Carina says softly. “Tell me five things you can see.”

Maya squeezes her eyes closed for a moment, then opens them again and looks around the room. “Um… the sofa, a table, a lamp,” she says. “A plant… and, uh, and a painting.”

Carina nods encouragingly. “Good. Now four things you can touch.”

Maya sighs. “I don’t know,” she says weakly.

“Come on, Maya, four things you can touch.” She leans back on her heels and lets Maya’s hands wander.

“Okay, um… the bedsheets, the robe.” She curls her toes against the hard wood tiles. “The floor.”

Maya lifts her hand and runs the back of her fingers across Carina’s cheek. “You.”

Carina smiles and twists her head to leave a gentle kiss on Maya’s knuckles. She can see Maya’s breathing becoming easier as the grounding technique starts to work.

“Three things you can hear.”             

Maya closes her eyes and focuses her attention on the sounds coming from outside their room. “People laughing, birds and, uh, someone splashing in the pool.”

Carina nods with encouragement. “Two things you can smell.”

Maya inhales slowly, a small smile forming on her lips. “Your shampoo.”

Carina shares her smile. “And?”

Maya takes another breath. “And fresh towels.”

“Good,” Carina says. “Last one. One thing you can taste.”

Maya runs her tongue over her lips. “The peach syrup from the cocktails we had by the pool.”

“Now take another deep breath for me,” Carina says. “In…” She inhales and watches as Maya mimics her again. “And out.” They exhale together. “Better?”

Maya nods.

“Good.” Carina stands and retrieves a bottle of water from the refrigerator in the room, passing it to Maya before sitting down beside her.

“I’m sorry,” Maya says, as she takes a sip of the water, her hands still shaking a little.

“Hey,” Carina chides her gently. “You have nothing to be sorry about.”

She reaches out and wraps one hand around Maya’s.

Maya offers her a rueful smile. “This was supposed to be a fun trip away and I…” She sighs heavily. “I ruined it with my inability to relax without having a stupid panic attack.”

“It’s not stupid,” Carina says. “And you didn’t ruin anything.”

Carina twists her body towards her, holding on to Maya’s hand and using her free hand to tuck loose strands of hair behind her ears.

“Have you ever had a panic attack before?”

Maya shakes her head, no. “I’m usually in control of everything. Every part of my life. And this… being so far away from home, it felt so…”

“Uncontrollable?”

Maya nods.

“The brain is a funny thing,” Carina says, running her hand over Maya’s hair. “You stepped outside your comfort zone and that message triggered something, something that heightened your perception of danger. Except your brain couldn’t connect to the right part that builds your defence mechanisms and it made you panic.”

“So, what? I’m stuck within my comfort zone forever? You’re okay with us never going on vacation again?” Maya says, exasperation in her voice.

“Maya,” Carina says calmly. “This vacation isn’t even over yet, let’s not write off any more.”

Maya sighs. “Sorry.”

“And stop apologising,” Carina says. “This need you have to put all of your focus on work, to be in control, to always win – it’s been ingrained in you since you were a child. One conversation with a counsellor, one trip away is not going to change that. It takes time. You know, the brain is a muscle that can be trained, just like you’ve trained your legs to run and your arms to carry heavy fire hoses.”

Maya takes in her words. “I’m good at training.”

“Yes, you are.” Carina smiles and leans forward, placing a gentle kiss on Maya’s temple. Maya takes a deep breath and exhales slowly, her shoulders dropping as her body relaxes under Carina’s touch.

“Bella, you are strong and kind and beautiful. And I am very glad that we went on this vacation together,” Carina says. She switches her voice to a lighter tone, more teasing, to bring Maya back into the vacation. “Are you still taking me out for dinner?”

Maya smiles. “Absolutely.”

“Good. Because I brought my sexiest little black dress with me, so it better be somewhere fancy.”

Maya laughs, the stress lines dropping from her face. “I can’t wait to see it,” she says. “And I can’t wait to take it off later.”

Carina laughs this time. “I’m counting on it.”

She wraps her arm around Maya’s back and pulls her in for a hug. Maya rests her head on Carina’s shoulder and breathes in the floral scent of her shampoo. It is a smell that she is starting to associate with feeling safe and warm and loved, something that was missing from her life growing up.

“Thank you for being so patient with me,” she says quietly.

Carina presses a soft kiss on the top of Maya’s head. “Always.”

Chapter Text

Maya wakes a little after seven o’clock, just as the sun is rising and illuminating the room through the pale curtains. She opens her eyes slowly and waits for the fuzz in her mind to dissipate. She rolls her neck and stretches her back a little, but stops herself from moving too much so as not to wake her sleeping companion. She can feel Carina curled up behind her, her long, supple body spooned against her own, her arm slung across her waist and her breath warm on her neck as she breathes. It is a comfort that Maya has become accustomed to and she indulges in it for a while, closing her eyes and sinking deeper into the mattress.

She feels calm and rested, a far cry from her panic attack yesterday. Carina’s grounding technique had got her through the worst of it, helped by several messages from Andy during the rest of the day with updates from the scene – each one assuring her that, despite the treacherous conditions, the team were safe. They had finally got the fire under control late in the evening, at which point Maya had finally been able to relax, her panic replaced by guilt at being distracted from her vacation. If Carina was pissed about it, she didn’t show it. She had been as patient and gentle and kind as has been since the day they met.

Maya resolves that today will be different. Today, there will be no stress and no distractions, just the two of them and all that Palm Springs can offer.

Carina is in a deep slumber and Maya eventually becomes restless, her body used to daily exercise that her long swim in the pool yesterday didn’t quite achieve. She slips out of bed, careful not to wake Carina, and pulls on her running gear that, of course, made the trip with them. She scribbles a note on the complimentary hotel notepad, so that Carina doesn’t worry if she wakes up while she is gone, and heads out of the complex and onto the street outside.

She runs up and down the streets, past hotels and restaurants and museums. She keeps her head up, weaving in and out of the early morning strollers and commuters on their way to work. The air is cool at this time of the morning and she regrets only wearing a t-shirt, her arms tingling and her lungs burning. She is used to it though, thrives on it even, and it pushes her to run faster, her feet pounding the pavement.

She doesn’t run far, slowing her pace when she hits five miles. There is a small bakery two blocks from their hotel that Carina had noticed last night and Maya ducks inside, picking up pastries and coffee for breakfast, as well as sandwiches for lunch, before heading back to the hotel.

The bed is empty when she arrives, the doors to their balcony wide open and the curtains blowing in the breeze. Maya slides out of her running shoes and pulls her socks off with her toes, then pads softly across the room. She lingers at the curtains for a moment, letting the rising sun warm her face. Carina leans against the railings, wrapped up in a hotel robe, her long hair sweeping over one shoulder. Maya drops the coffees and food on the table, and sidles up quietly behind her, taking Carina by surprise when she slips her hands around her waist and presses her lips against her temple.

Carina smiles, a small, satisfied moan escaping from her lips.

“Buongiorno.”

“Good morning,” Maya says, resting her elbow on the railings and keeping her other arm wrapped around Carina’s waist.

“I missed waking up next to you this morning,” Carina purrs, leaning in and nudging her nose against Maya’s cheek.

“I was a little restless and I didn’t want to disturb you,” Maya says.

“Thinking about the fire?” Carina asks, with a worried frown.

“No,” Maya says with a small shake of her head. “I just… I wanted to clear my head so that all I have to think about today is you and our vacation.”

Carina smiles. “Well, next time you should wake me. I have some other ways of clearing your mind.”

Maya laughs at that. “I bought breakfast while I was out,” she says, nodding towards the table.

Carina looks over her shoulder, her face lighting up at seeing the coffee and pastries waiting for them. She places a soft kiss on Maya’s lips before skipping over the table and taking one of the coffees, settling herself on one of the sun loungers. Maya takes the other coffee cup and pastries. She sits at the end of the same sun lounger by Carina’s legs, tearing open the paper bag carrying the pastries and placing it between them.

The croissants are buttery and flaky, and fall apart easily.

“Hmm, bellissimo,” Carina says as she tucks in. “I’m going to need to do some lengths in the pool to make up for this.”

“Actually, I thought we might spend some time away from the pool today,” Maya says.

Carina raises her eyebrows curiously. “What did you have in mind?”

“There’s a short hiking trail about five miles from here, I thought we could check it out?”

It is posed as a question, but Carina can tell that she is keen to get out of the hotel. She knows that Maya can get stir crazy and doesn’t want to do anything that might bring on another panic attack.

“Of course. But only if I get to pick the afternoon activity.”

Maya wiggles her eyebrows suggestively, causing Carina to laugh. “I had something different in mind,” she says, “but I’m sure we can do some of that too.”

Maya grins and leans forward, one hand either side of Carina’s hips, kissing her briefly before Carina pushes her away playfully.

“You’re sweaty!”

“We could go and get sweaty together,” Maya suggests, tipping her head towards their room. She slips her hand under Carina’s robe and runs her hand up and down her calf.

“Hmm, tempting, but so are these pastries,” Carina teases.

Maya pretends to look offended. “You’re turning me down for coffee and croissants?”

“Si, but they’re really good croissants,” Carina says, laughing as she picks up a second pastry.

They finish breakfast, shower and get ready for their morning hike. Maya packs them each a backpack with water, lunch and sun screen, as well as all the essentials they’ll need.

Murray Canyon is a short taxi cab journey south. There are not many people around and they are grateful for the peace as they make their way along the trail path. The sun beats down on them as they walk and they don’t get much respite from the heat as they make their way through the open desert.

“It’s beautiful here,” Carina says, lifting her sun hat momentarily to look out across the barren land. Not much grows here because of the heat, but the rocky canyon provides a stunning backdrop. She turns and smiles at Maya. “I’m glad we did this.”

“Me too,” Maya says.

It is not long before they find some shade as they reach the mouth of the canyon. They have to watch their step as they descend down a rocky slope, reaching an oasis of palm trees that provides some welcome relief from the sun. They make their way through the canyon, navigating rocks and the creek beneath their feet, pausing every now and again to take photos on their cell phones. There is a little more life here in the shade, the canyon creek encouraging Californian fuchsias to grow, brightening the landscape with reds and oranges, contrasted by the bright yellow of desert sunflowers.  

They follow the path through the canyon, barely noticing the gradual incline. After a short scramble over a particularly rocky part of the trail which elevates their heart rates a little, they reach their destination – the Seven Sisters, a gentle waterfall over the canyon rocks. Carina perches on a rock by the edge of the pool, dropping her backpack beside her. She pulls off her boots and socks, and sinks her feet into the cool water.

“Hmm, heaven,” she murmurs. She leans back and watches the water cascade down the rocks, letting the water in the air cool her down.

Maya sits next to her. She can feel the heat on the back of her neck and pulls out her ponytail, letting her hair hang loose for a moment to cover her skin. Carina leans across and kisses her bare shoulder.

“Be careful, you’ll burn,” Carina warns, noticing her skin turning pink.

Maya rolls her eyes. “I know.” Carina has been teasing her about her inability to tan ever since they made plans to go away. “I can’t believe how quiet it is, I thought there would be more people here.”

“Sshh,” Carina hushes her. “You should never say the ‘q’ word, it’s tempting fate.”

Maya chuckles. “I’m so hot,” she says, taking off her baseball cap to waft air in her face, hoping to cool herself down.

“Yes, you are,” Carina teases.

Maya swats her gently. With a quick glance around them, Carina stands up and pulls off her t-shirt, then starts to unbutton her shorts.

“What are you doing? We’re on a public trail!” Maya says.

“So?”

Stripping down to her underwear and tossing her watch on top of her bag, Carina steps into the pool and plunges into the shallow water, curling her legs underneath her until her shoulders are covered. The water is cold and immediately cools her body.

“Come in, it’s lovely!” she calls out to Maya, who is watching her incredulously from the rock.

“Carina…”

“Come on!” Carina encourages her, splashing water towards her.

Maya stares at her, her heart beating a little faster in her chest, only it’s not because of the trail this time. It’s because of Carina and the way her eyes pierce straight through her to see her soul. No-one has ever looked at her like that – she has never let anyone even try before, but she realises now that she didn’t stand a chance the night she met Carina.

With a quick look around her to make sure they really are alone, Maya strips and walks into the pool, dipping her body into the cool water. It soothes her pink skin and she sighs contentedly.

“I told you,” Carina says with a smug grin.

She bobs over to Maya and hooks her feet around Maya’s ankles, pulling her body close and capturing her in a kiss. Maya reciprocates, slipping her hands around Carina’s waist and tugging her hips towards her own. Their kiss deepens, the flimsy underwear between them doing nothing to mask the heat that radiates from them both. It is only the sound of footsteps that breaks them apart.

They put some distance between themselves while they are in the company of strangers. Maya floats around, dropping her feet every now and again to explore the smooth stones on the bottom of the pool. Carina dunks her head under the water, emerging gracefully as she smooths her hair away from her face and Maya’s heartbeat quickens again. If it wasn’t for the fact that a few more hikers had joined them, she is pretty sure she would have launched herself at her girlfriend without another thought.

It is only when they are alone again that they climb out of the pool. At least Maya had the foresight to pack small towels in their backpacks and they dry themselves down, helped by the late-morning heat, and dress quickly before any more people come by.

As they walk back towards the trail, Carina holds out her hand. Maya accepts it, feeling a little corny but also revelling in the happiness that such a simple gesture brings her. They retrace their steps and follow the same path out of the canyon, stopping at the shaded picnic area near the entrance for lunch. They chat amicably with the other hikers they meet there and Maya’s interest is piqued when they talk about other hiking trails around Palm Springs, until she catches Carina’s eye and sees her shake her head solemnly.

They head back to the hotel and shower together, washing the sweat and sun cream from their bodies. Carina lets her hair dry in the heat, letting it curl naturally. As Maya dries her hair inside the hotel room, Carina disappears onto the balcony with her cell phone. Maya has no idea what she is plotting for the afternoon, but she is intrigued. When Maya steps out to greet her, she is on the phone and Maya quickly picks up that it is a work call.

“Si, thank you Doctor Malloy,” she says.

When she hangs up, she turns her head and greets her with a smile, her eyes sweeping over Maya’s face. “You look beautiful.”

The sun has caught her cheeks, tinting them pink, bringing colour to her otherwise pale skin.

“Thank you.” Maya nods towards Carina’s phone. “I thought you said no work calls while we’re on vacation.”

“Amelia has been having contractions today,” Carina explains. “They turned out to be Braxton Hicks.” She slides her phone into the back pocket of her jeans. “So all is well.”

“And Andrew?”

Carina hasn’t mentioned her younger brother since they arrived in California but Maya knows that he will not be far from her mind.

“I had a message from Meredith to say that he’s at the hospital trying to help find out what is wrong with Doctor Webber,” Carina says. “It sounds like he is okay.”

“That’s good. Are they making any progress with a diagnosis?”

Carina shakes her head. “No. They’ve ruled out a lot of things though.”

Maya can see the worry etched across Carina’s face and reaches out to squeeze her hand comfortingly. “I’m sure they’ll figure it out soon.”

“I hope so,” Carina says with a small, tense smile. “He’s always been very kind to me.” She shakes off her uneasiness with a shimmy of her shoulders. “Are you ready to go?”

“That depends. Are you ready to tell me where we’re going?”

“No,” Carina says with a glint in her eyes. She kisses her lips lightly. “Come on, let’s go!”

They walk a couple of blocks to a small wine bar on one of the side streets. The old-fashioned sign that hangs from the door reads ‘Lily’s Wines’. It is small, room for only eight tables, with people seated at half of them. The bar sits on the left at the back of the room. The wall on the right is home to row upon row of wine bottles, each one neatly lodged in a wooden rack, with a label hanging from its neck.

They are greeted by a gentleman that Maya places in his fifties.

“Good evening, ladies, my name is Tom,” he introduces himself and then points to a woman who is lining up wine glasses on the bar. “And that is my wife, Lily. She’ll be running the session this afternoon.”

They each introduce themselves, accepting Tom’s outstretched hand politely.

“Please, take a seat where you’d like. The tasting will start in about ten minutes, once the last of our guests are here.”

They take a seat towards the front of the bar, overlooking the street outside.

“Tasting?” Maya enquires, as she slides onto one of the tall stools.  

“Si. Wine tasting!” Carina says. “Apparently the best wines that California has to offer.”

Maya’s brow crinkles curiously. “But you always turn your nose up at Californian wines!”

Carina shrugs. “No-one makes wine like the Italians,” she gloats. “But perhaps Lily will surprise me.”

She picks up the tasting menu and studies it, while Maya studies her – the way her hair frames her face, how her brow crinkles in concentration and lips twist thoughtfully as she reads. There it is again, that quickened heartbeat in her chest as she realises how happy and content she feels in this moment – a feeling that has been reserved for moments of glory in the past: every time she crossed the finish line first in a race, her Olympic gold medal, graduating from the fire academy, making Captain. Except none of those moments come close to the way she feels when she is in Carina’s company.

Carina looks up at her. “What?” she asks, her eyebrows arching in amusement.

Maya’s cheeks flush at being caught staring at her. “Nothing.”

She is grateful when Tom appears at their table and places two rows of wine glasses between them. Lily follows suit and pours two wines into four glasses, both white, both Chardonnay – California’s most popular grape. Carina knows what she is doing, swirling the wine around her glass to release the aromas and inhaling deeply, recognising apple and pear and hints of vanilla.

Lily is a knowledgeable sommelier and talks to them about the vinification process. Carina asks questions and Maya starts to get an idea of what she was like in school – the studious type, always keen to learn, focussing on the details. It is what makes her a successful doctor, she realises.

They also try a Pinot Gris from the San Joaquin Valley, more acidic in taste and a darker, copper colour. A rosé follows, a sweet Zinfandel that Carina calls an “abomination to the tastebuds” under her breath which causes Maya to muffle a laugh.

The red wines come next, a dark smoky Pinot Noir and a rich fruity Cabernet Sauvignon. By their sixth tasting, Maya can feel her head start to spin and the heat in her body start to rise. The samples have been generous and lunch was several hours ago, and she has never been good at drinking on an empty stomach. Carina, on the other hand, seems unfazed and Maya finds herself leaning a little heavier on the table to compensate.

Their seventh and final tasting is a blended wine from a vineyard in Napa Valley. It is a 2016 vintage, an overwhelming aroma of black fruits with a hint of spice. It is smooth and easy to drink, and Carina immediately orders a bottle to take home.

“Carina!” Maya hisses when the check comes. “This is a $600 bottle of wine!”

“I guess Lily did impress me after all,” Carina says. She notices Maya’s red cheeks and rests a hand on her thigh. “Are you okay, bella?”

“I think…” Maya clears her throat. “I think I need food.”

Carina laughs. “I never knew my girlfriend was such a lightweight!”

Maya feels herself grow flustered and she’s not sure if it is because of the wine or because Carina called her ‘girlfriend’. Not that it’s new, she has thought of Carina as her girlfriend for a while now, but it is the first time that one of them has said it out loud.

Carina wears an amused grin as she leans forward and kisses her lightly. “Come, I saw a French restaurant on our way here.”

Maya is a little wobbly on her feet and hooks her arm through Carina’s for support as they bid a fond farewell to Tom and Lily, and make their way outside. It is early evening by now and the air is starting to cool, which Maya finds a welcome relief against her warm skin. She pauses a few steps from the bar, leaning back against a lamppost and letting out a deep sigh.

She tips her head and looks at Carina. “I’ve really enjoyed today.” She smiles sweetly. “With you,” she adds.

Carina steps towards her, closing the gap between them. “Well, the day isn’t over yet.”

Maya takes a sharp intake of breath as Carina presses her body up against her own and dips her head to embrace her in a deep, slow kiss. It is not just Maya’s heart that beats faster this time, it is like their chests are at war with each other. Carina’s hands slip around her waist and sneak underneath her top to find her soft skin. She digs her nails in and Maya’s back arches in response, her hips jutting forwards into Carina’s. Maya’s hands are in her hair, tangled in her thick dark curls and she moans happily.

“You know, this reminds me of our first kiss,” Maya says breathlessly when they break apart. “Remember?”

“Outside Little Roma, si,” Carina says. “You turned me down!”

“Well…” Maya says as she wraps her arms around Carina’s neck and lifts herself onto the balls of her feet, her lips craving another kiss, “…I won’t make that mistake again.”

Chapter Text

Carina cradles the newborn in her arms, smiling down at his pink cheeks, long eye lashes and the dark hair that he gets from his mother.

“He really is beautiful, Amelia,” she says, hooking her index finger under his hand and watching as his tiny fingers curl around it. “Do you have a name for him?”

Amelia scrunches her face. “Link wants to call him Scout.”

Carina’s face is blank, not recognising the cultural reference.

“To Kill A Mockingbird? Atticus Finch? Scout?”

Carina shakes her head, a bemused smile on her face. It is not a book she has ever read. “You don’t like Scout?”

“I… don’t know,” Amelia admits. “It’s a little cheesy.” She looks up at her friend. “Why don’t you decide? I bet there are some beautiful Italian names.”

Carina laughs softly so as not to wake the sleeping baby. She looks over to where Amelia lies in her bed, taking in her happy, relaxed demeanour.

“You did really good today. I know it was hard, especially without Link.”

As her doctor, Carina knows all about Amelia’s history – her relationship with Ryan, her pregnancy and the loss of Christopher; as her friend, Carina knows how hard Amelia has worked to get her life on track, to beat her addictions and to allow herself to fall in love again, and how she lives every day knowing that just one hiccup could knock her off that track.

“I had Bailey. And you,” Amelia says pointedly. “I’m really glad you were back from your vacation for this.”

“Me too,” Carina says with a smile. She walks across the room, pausing by Amelia’s bed. “He is perfect. Six pounds and eight ounces of perfect.”

Amelia stares adoringly at her new baby son. “He is, isn’t he?” She takes Carina by surprise when she suddenly reaches out and grabs her arm. “Thank you, Carina. For everything. The second you told me I was pregnant, I was terrified. And you… you always made me feel like everything was going to be okay. And it was.”

Carina puts her hand over Amelia’s and squeezes it gently. “It was my pleasure, Amelia.”

She places the baby gently into his crib, running her hand over his chest as he breathes.

“So, it was Andrew that figured out what was wrong with Richard?” Amelia comments, watching Carina’s reaction carefully to make sure she is not overstepping.

Amelia had been with a patient the day that Andrew had suffered his breakdown in the hospital, but she had heard about it soon afterwards from Maggie. She had taken to checking in with Carina every now and again since that day, knowing that Carina’s feelings would get forgotten as everyone rallied around Andrew, although it is a subject that Carina keeps close to her chest. Carina constantly assures her that she is okay and that she is not dealing with it on her own – although she has so far ignored Amelia’s demands to meet her new girlfriend. Amelia had been the one to practically kick her out of the door of the hospital the day before she was due to go on vacation and tell her to relax and have a good time – something she regretted two days’ later when she thought she was in labour and would have to deliver her baby without Carina there.

“How’s he doing?”

“He’s okay,” Carina says, with a strained smile. “Some good days, some not.”

Amelia is smart enough to know that Andrew’s success today was not a sign that he was getting better; to the contrary, his dogged determination to find a diagnosis was probably a symptom of his Bipolar.

The conversation doesn’t go any further before they are interrupted by a soft knock on the door. They both turn to see Miranda stood in the doorway.

“Bailey! How’s Richard?” Amelia asks immediately.

“He’s okay. The surgery was a success, Atticus is just closing up,” Bailey answers.

Both Carina and Amelia let out an audible sigh of relief at the good news.

“That’s great,” Carina says. It is only then that she spies the look on Bailey’s face, the serious frown she wears and the nervous look in her eyes. Her mind immediately goes to her brother. “What’s wrong? Is it Andrea?”

Bailey looks surprised at her assumption and shakes her head. “No, no, Andrew’s fine. He’s still there in the surgery.”

“Then what?” Amelia presses.

Bailey’s eyes shift to Carina. “I had a call from Ben…”

Carina feels her heart sink. There is only one reason why Bailey would come to her with a look like that on her face. “Oh God,” she murmurs.

“Maya’s fine,” Bailey reassures her straight away. “But there was an… an incident on scene. Ben didn’t give me many details but…” She takes a step further into the room, tapping her phone nervously in her hands. “It’s Pruitt Herrera. He died.”

Carina lets the words sink in. She doesn’t know the man, but she knows he is a father figure to Maya and all of the firefighters at Station 19. She knows how he created a family at the station, for Andy and himself and everyone else in the team when, for many of them, they didn’t have a family of their own to rely on. She knows how devastated they were to learn that his cancer had returned and how the inevitable has been hanging over them for the last few months.

“I don’t understand,” Carina says, shaking her head in confusion. “He’s retired. Why would he be on the scene with them?”

“I’m not sure. Ben just said that it was Maya’s call and… and that you should go to her.”

Carina stares at her, trying to get her head around the implications of what she is saying, only drawn out of her daze by Amelia tugging at her hand.

“You should go,” Amelia encourages her.

Carina looks down at her and nods. “I’ll make sure the doctor on call checks in on you.”

“We’ll be fine,” Amelia assures her. “Go.”

Carina returns Amelia’s gesture with a small squeeze of her hand, before heading to her office to collect her coat and bag and rushing to her car. It doesn’t take long for her to get to Maya’s apartment block. She slips in through the front door as someone is leaving, one of Maya’s upstairs neighbours who recognises her and lets her in without hesitation. She takes the elevator. It is slow and clunky, and her foot taps impatiently on the metal floor as she travels upwards.

On her way out of the hospital, she had bumped into Jackson, who had told her a bit more about the fire, and she begins to understand why Pruitt Herrera had been on the scene. Carina still has no idea how he had got on to the roof, but after Ben’s message that it had “been Maya’s call”, her stomach is heavy with dread and she wants to get to her girlfriend as quickly as possible.

When she reaches Maya’s floor, she strides down the corridor to her apartment and knocks three times. There is no sound on the other side and, when there is no answer, she knocks again, a little louder this time.

“Maya? Maya, it’s me,” she calls through the door. “It’s Carina.”

Still no answer, so she tries for a third time. “Maya?”

It is only then that she hears the patter of footsteps coming from inside and she shuffles backwards, creating space between herself and the door. She shrugs her coat off as she waits.

Maya opens the door slowly. There is no sign of the happy, confident woman that usually greets her. Instead, all Carina can see is the loss of a loved one written all over her body: her head dips, her shoulders slump and her hair hangs limp; her face is red and blotchy from crying, and tears still fill her eyes.

“Oh Maya,” Carina says empathetically.

Maya’s lips tremble and her mouth falls open but no words follow. Carina can see her struggling to speak. She walks into the apartment and throws her coat over the back of Maya’s couch, something the firefighter usually berates her for, but not today. She turns back to Maya, who closes the door and bows her head to hide the tears that refuse to stop falling.

“It’s okay, I heard,” Carina says. “Come here.”

Carina reaches out and pulls Maya into an embrace, wrapping her arms tightly around her body. Maya resists at first, not wanting to fall apart any more than she already is, but Carina is stronger for once and it doesn’t take much for Maya to relent. She is only a couple of inches taller than Maya, but with her heeled boots on, there is almost six inches difference in their height, which gives Maya the perfect place to burying her head into Carina’s chest, her body shaking as she sobs against her. Even on her worst days, when Carina had held her in bed or calmed her after her panic attack, Maya has never fallen apart like this. This was something more, this was complete, heart-wrenching devastation.

Maya’s hands grab at the loose fabric of Carina’s shirt, her fists curling tightly, her short nails digging into her palms, as if trying to transfer her pain. It doesn’t work. Her chest hurts and she struggles to catch her breath in between sobs, and she realises that this is what it means to feel your heart break.

Carina runs her hand over Maya’s hair, her body swaying instinctively. “Oh bambina,” she murmurs.

Carina doesn’t try to hush her, but instead lets her cry, knowing how important it is that Maya lets her feelings out. She has seen Maya keep her feelings inside, embrace the pain and push on, and she knows that it is the worst thing she could do right now.

She doesn’t know how long they stand there for, but she doesn’t try to move until she feels Maya’s body grow calmer and her breathing still. She leans back slightly and smooths hair out of Maya’s eyes – eyes that are squeezed shut, as if shutting out the light will shut out the reality of what has happened.

“Come, let’s sit,” Carina says gently.

She keeps one arm wrapped around Maya as she leads her to the couch and guides her to sit down. She crouches down and rests her hands on Maya’s knees, rubbing her thighs lightly.

“I’m going to fetch you a glass of water. Is there anything else I can get you? Tea? Or something to eat?”

Maya shakes her head. “No,” is all she says, and even that is barely audible.

“Okay,” Carina says. “I’ll be right back.”

She keeps one eye on Maya as she walks into the kitchen and fills a glass with water from the tap. She watches as Maya takes a deep, laboured breath and wipes the back of her hand across her dry, red cheeks. Carina finds herself wanting to wrap her up in a blanket and take all of the pain away from her, but she knows she can’t. She knows she has to let Maya feel everything she is feeling.

She thinks about the night they picked up Andrew from the police station in Tacoma and how Maya’s presence had been the only thing that had brought her any comfort that night, and she resolves to repay the favour today. 

She walks back over to the living area and places the water in Maya’s hands. “Drink,” she says firmly, as she settles on the couch beside her.

Maya follows her instruction and takes several large gulps, grateful for the hydration. Her hands still shake and the water swirls around the glass involuntarily, until Carina wraps a hand around hers to still it. Her other hand rests on Maya’s back, and Carina runs it up and down her spine.

Maya keeps her head low and her gaze pointed to the floor.

“It’s my fault.”

Her voice is low and scratchy, and her words hang in the air for a moment.

“Why do you think it’s your fault?” Carina asks, hoping the question will encourage her to tell the story.

Maya takes a slow, deep breath. “We were called to a report of someone stuck inside a locker at a storage facility on the south side of town. It wasn’t even supposed to be a fire, it was a rescue operation.” She shakes her head incredulously. “The place was a maze, even in the daylight, but we found them. It was a bunch of young guys who had been practicing with their band. One of them had lit a joint and it caused a fire. We put it out, but the embers were moving through the vents and into other units, causing the fire to spread. I called for the rest of the team and for back-up. Sullivan turned up and took control. There were more customers inside and we needed to get them out.”

She takes another deep breath.

“When a fire spreads like that, we have to create a vent in the roof to make sure that the heat and the smoke can get out. Except, the roof was unstable and it wasn’t possible to do it without putting one of the team at risk, which made the whole thing a lot more dangerous all of a sudden.”

“It sounds scary,” Carina comments.

Maya shrugs. “It’s part of the job, I guess. We hit a problem, we find another way. Sullivan ordered us to breach the walls instead, but it was impossible because they were brick. At that point, it was just trying to get the fire under control, you know? We’d pulled everyone out from inside.”

Carina feels the muscles in Maya’s back grow tense as she prepares herself for the story that is about to follow.

“Except then the manager told me that there was a homeless man sleeping in one of the units that we hadn’t accounted for so I… I sent my team back in to find him,” Maya says through gritted teeth.

“Did they find him?”

Maya nods. “They found him – and a bunch of propane tanks which could blow at any time in the heat, which they did.”

Carina straightens in fear. “Was anyone hurt?”

“No. I mean, Jack was a little bruised by the blast, the Aid Car took him to Seattle Pres to get checked over. Except it made the fire worse. Sullivan ordered a retreat, but by then the smoke was starting to build up and we still couldn’t breach the damn walls because we just kept hitting problems – brick, cinder block, concrete. The team got lost inside because they couldn’t find their way out and… and their oxygen tanks were running out.”

Her face scrunches as she hears Andy’s voice in her head.

‘Bishop… Captain… Maya… I can’t find out way out, there’s no way out, I’m trapped…’

“Sullivan broke protocol and went into the building to find Andy…”

Carina raises her eyebrows curiously but doesn’t ask why, not wanting to interrupt the story.

“…which left me in charge of incident command. The job was too big for me, there wasn’t anything I could do. My team were inside, Carina, and they were…” She can’t bring herself to say it. “I couldn’t do anything to save them. I was useless!”

She starts to get upset and Carina tightens her arm around her waist, using her physical presence to bring whatever comfort it can. She doesn’t speak, waiting instead for Maya to continue her story.

“And then the Captain turned up and demanded to go up on the roof. He knew… he knew he was walking into a death trap. I tried to tell him no, I really did – but he wouldn’t listen. He knew Andy was inside and he was going to do whatever it took to save her. To save all of them – our family, you know?”

The tears start to fall then, running down her cheeks and dropping onto her lap. She doesn’t bother to wipe them away, knowing it would be pointless.  

“He was a very brave man,” Carina says kindly.

“Yeah, he was,” Maya says, a sad smile passing briefly across her lips. “I knew letting him on that roof was going to kill him, but I knew that not letting him on that roof was going to kill everyone inside. So I… I made the call and I let him do it.”

“Maya…”

Maya shakes her head and pushes away Carina’s hand that still holds her own, not wanting to hear any platitudes about how she did the right thing.

“It’s my fault,” she repeats. “I thought maybe, just maybe, the roof would hold out enough for him to be able to vent the roof. He’s Captain Herrera, you know? If anyone could figure out how to do it, he would. I’m so stupid.” She shakes her head again. “I watched him – from the bottom of the ladder, I watched him hitting the roof with the axe until… until he was gone.”

She breaks down again, the glass she still holds tipping sideways and water spilling on to the floor. Maya drops her head into her hands and sobs. The image of her Captain falling through the roof is forever imprinted in her mind.

Carina pulls her in and Maya falls against her body, her face in the crook of her neck. Carina holds her close, as close as she can, not only because she knows it will release the right signals to her brain to reduce her anxiety but also because she wants Maya to feel the full force of her embrace.

“It wasn’t your fault, Maya,” Carina says, knowing that her words will mean very little right now.

“Don’t,” Maya says, although she doesn’t push Carina away this time.

“I mean it,” Carina says. “I know you don’t want to hear it and I know that it’s going to take some time for you to believe it…”

Carina’s right, she doesn’t want to hear it. She can’t hear it right now, so she interrupts. “I should have been a better Captain,” Maya says. “I was the one who sent my team back inside. I should have been able to get them out the building without him having to go up on that roof. I… I should have figured how to breach the walls. I should have…”

“Maya, don’t you think that if there was any other way, someone would have found it?” Carina challenges her. “You? Sullivan? Captain Herrera?”

“I’m the Captain,” Maya counters back. “It’s my job to keep them safe. I never should’ve let him on that roof, I should’ve found another way… I should’ve done it myself.”

“No!”

Carina surprises herself with how strongly she reacts to Maya’s words. She pulls away at that point and twists her body to face her. She cups Maya’s face with her hands, her fingers resting on the back of her neck, and guides her eyes to meet her own.

“Don’t say that. Don’t even think it!” Carina says. “If you’d gone up on that roof, you’d have died. I’d have lost you.”

“But Pruitt died,” Maya says. “Pruitt died… and Andy… She lost her mom when she was little and now she’s lost her dad, too. Oh God, she’s never gonna forgive me for this.”

“You don’t know that,” Carina objects. “Maya, he was dying. And Andy and Jack and everyone else who was in the building have their whole lives in front of them. Captain Herrera knew that. He knew what was going to happen to him and he did it anyway – because he loved you, he loved all of you. And I know that I didn’t know him, but from everything you’ve told me about him, I think he’d be happy and relieved to know that he saved everyone today. And there’s no way he’d want you to feel guilty about it.”

Maya’s face crumples again. “It won’t go away.”

“The guilt?”

“The pain,” Maya admits. “It hurts.”

Embrace the pain, that was her father used to tell her. Only this time, it feels too much for her to bear. Even running ten thousand metres on a sprained ankle was nothing compared to the pain she feels at the loss of her captain.

“Oh Maya,” Carina says, resting her forehead against Maya’s. “Of course it hurts.”

They stay leaning into each other for a while until Maya calms down, her eyes finally running dry and her breathing becoming steady.

“What am I gonna do?” Maya muses. “What am I gonna tell the team? What am I gonna tell Dixon and the FD?”

“You’ll tell them what you told me,” Carina says calmly. “You’ll tell them that Captain Herrera died a hero, saving the people he loved.”

Maya knows that Carina means well, but she also knows that it is going to be a flimsy excuse to people like Michael Dixon. Her shoulders sag and Carina can see how exhausted she is from her grief.

“Why don’t you go and have a shower, it might make you feel a bit better. I’ll make you something to eat,” Carina suggests.

“I’m not hungry,” Maya says.

“You should still eat,” she says. “Nothing fancy.”

That brings out a small smile on Maya’s face. “Everything you cook is fancy, you can’t help it.”

Carina returns her smile. “Well, maybe I’ll add some spinach and parmesan to your scrambled eggs, and put them on the nice sourdough you like?”

Maya nods. She knows Carina won’t relent until she eats something and she can’t deny that her stomach growls in response to the thought of food. “Okay.”

Carina leans back a little to place a soft kiss on Maya’s temple.

“Thank you,” Maya whispers.

“Always, tesoro mio.”

Carina is right, a shower does help. The hot water cascades down Maya’s body and washes away some of the stress and tension she has been carrying all day. Soot and grime swirl down the drain as she shampoos her hair and cleans her body. It does nothing to wash away the grief, but Maya feels her body relax a little, even if her head is still clouded with more thoughts and emotions than she can process at the moment.

The air in the apartment is cool when she steps out of the shower and it makes her shiver. She wraps a thick towel around her and lets her wet hair hang down over her shoulders, as she steps up to the mirror and takes in her reflection. Her skin is pale and tight across her cheeks, still a little enflamed from all the tears that have fallen. Her eyes lack their normal shine and her mouth turns downwards, no hint of joy in her expression. She slathers her body with moisturiser, her skin desperate for hydration, and wraps her damp hair up in a towel, then walks out into the bedroom. Maya smiles when she sees that Carina has left a fresh pair of pyjamas on the bed for her and she pulls them on, allowing herself the momentary pleasure of the soft cotton against her skin. She dries her hair but doesn’t bother to style it, instead pulling it back into a messy ponytail.

When she steps out of the bedroom, she pauses by the door and watches as Carina hovers over the stove. Maya feels an overwhelming surge of love for her in that moment and she lets it settle on her heart. It feels good, despite everything else that she is feeling right now – the knowledge that she is in love with this incredible woman feels good. It has been stirring inside of her for a while now and the words are on the tip of her lips as she tiptoes quietly into the kitchen and wraps her arms around Carina’s waist and presses her lips into the base of her neck.

Except she has never said it, never felt it for anyone else, and the words scare her, so all she can say is, “hey”.

“Hi bella,” Carina says softly. She turns her head and kisses Maya’s forehead. “You smell like my shampoo!”

Maya blushes. “It’s got a nicer scent than mine. Do you mind?”

“No, of course not,” Carina says.

Maya looks down at the pan on the stove. “Are those my fancy eggs?”

“Si, do you think you can eat something?” Carina asks, as she removes them from the heat.

“I can try,” Maya says.

The sourdough pops from the toaster and Carina slides out of Maya’s arms to put it all together on two plates, one for each of them. Maya wants to make herself useful, but Carina has thought of everything – the placemats are set, the cutlery is laid out, and two glasses of wine have been poured.

“Sit,” Carina orders as she places their dinner on the table.

Maya does as she is told and looks down at the plate of food in front of her. Her stomach is empty, she knows that, but it is also twisted into knots. She tries though, picking up the fork and pushing the eggs around her plate. She can feel Carina’s eyes on her, so she steels herself for a bite.

It tastes good, she’ll give Carina that, but it doesn’t settle well on her stomach. She only manages three mouthfuls before Carina places a hand on top of hers to stop her from eating any more.

“It’s okay, don’t force it,” Carina says.

“I’m sorry,” Maya says. “It tastes good, I don’t want to waste it.”

Carina waves away her apology. “You look exhausted,” she comments. “How about you try and get some sleep?”

Maya closes her eyes. Her head is pounding, caused by grief and hours of crying and the fact that she has barely eaten since breakfast. The thought of sleeping and emptying her mind for a while is appealing.

“Maya?”

Maya opens her eyes. “I need to write my report of what happened today. Dixon’ll be waiting for it.”

“Can’t it wait until tomorrow?” Carina questions. “I think it would be better if you got some rest, face it with a clear head?”

Maya knows that it makes sense. “I guess.” She bites her bottom lip thoughtfully. “Do you… do you think I should call Andy? Try and explain what happened?”

Carina twists her lips thoughtfully. “Not today,” she says eventually. “I think you both need to let it sink in before you talk.”

Maya nods. She looks across at Carina. “Will you stay with me?”

Carina smiles kindly and she lifts a hand to cup Maya’s face, running her thumb over Maya’s cheek. “Yes, bella, I’ll stay.” She has no intention of being anywhere else than by Maya’s side tonight.

Maya closes her eyes again and leans into Carina’s touch, bringing her hand to wrap around Carina’s wrist. She feels Carina shift forwards in her chair and press her lips against her forehead. Maya tips her head back and Carina takes the bait, dropping her lips and leaving a brief, soft, comforting kiss on her mouth.

The words are on the tip of Maya’s lips again, but this time it’s her cell phone pinging that stops her from saying them. Carina reaches along the table to retrieve it, passing it to Maya and watching her carefully. She doesn’t know who the message is from, or what it might say, and she doesn’t want it to aggravate her girlfriend when she is finally calm.

“It’s Jack. The hospital gave him the all clear,” Maya says, sighing with relief. At least that was one thing that had not ended in disaster.

Maya runs the back of her hand across her face and Carina is reminded of newborn babies who curl their fists and rub their eyes when they are tired.

“Why don’t you go to bed? I’ll be there once I’ve tidied up.”

“I can help,” Maya tries to insist, but Carina isn’t having any of it.

She stands and holds out her hands, palms up. Maya puts her hands on top of hers and Carina pulls her up to standing, then places her hands on Maya’s hips, spinning her round and pushing her gently towards the bedroom.

“Bed. Now.” Her tone is firm, but there’s a hint of teasing in there.

Carina watches as Maya shuffles off towards the bedroom. She slides the contents of Maya’s plate into the trashcan and fills the dishwasher, wiping down the surfaces and surveying the kitchen. There is silence from the bedroom but Carina knows that Maya won’t fall into an easy sleep so she makes a mug of herbal tea and takes it with her.

The bedroom is dimly lit, the only light provided by the lamp on Carina’s side of the bed. Maya is curled up on the right side of the bed, facing inwards. She offers Carina a small smile and watches as she wanders in and walks around the bed, placing a mug of steaming tea on the table beside her.

“Peppermint,” Carina notes, walking back around the bed. There is an old Mariners t-shirt on the empty side of the bed that Maya has pulled out for her and Carina raises her eyebrows curiously.

“Football?”

“Baseball,” Maya answers. “Pruitt took us to see them play the San Diego Padres a couple of years ago, it was a team bonding trip.” She smiles at the memory. “You know, it was his idea to take the team camping? I was thinking about that, about how it led to you, and us.”

Carina frowns, confused.

“It was a domino effect,” Maya explains. “If we hadn’t gone camping, we never would’ve come across the couple who got attacked by a bear. I never would have gone to the hospital with the nose and I probably never would have gone to Joe’s that night. Or, if I did, you wouldn’t have started a conversation with me because you hadn’t seen me come into the hospital that morning. And if we hadn’t met that night, we might never have met.”

Carina thinks it is a bit of a stretch, she feels it in her bones that their paths would have crossed at some point, but she can see that Maya is feeling nostalgic and she figures that at least she isn’t wallowing in sad memories.

“Well then, I guess I owe Captain Herrera my gratitude too,” she says with a smile.

She picks up the t-shirt and disappears into the bathroom.

Maya sits up and reaches out for her tea, settling back into the pillows and listening to the sound of Carina’s Italian playlist filter through into the bedroom. As they have started to spend more nights together, Maya has learned that Carina listens to her favourite Italian singers as she goes through her nighttime routine. Maya has no idea what they are singing about, but it doesn’t bother her. The music is calm and uplifting, and she is starting to enjoy the familiarity of it.

Carina emerges ten minutes later. The t-shirt is loose, but her body is long and it sits just at the top of her thighs. Despite everything else she is feeling, Maya can’t help but smirk when she sweeps her eyes up and down her girlfriend’s long, slender legs.

“I think I’m going to have to start leaving pyjamas here,” Carina says with a small laugh.

She slides into the bed and Maya immediately curls her body into hers, scooting under Carina’s outstretched arm. She rests her head on Carina’s shoulder and slips an arm around her waist. It is comfortable and warm, and she lets herself enjoy the comfort it brings.

“I never asked you how your day was,” Maya muses.

“It was good,” Carina says. “Amelia had her baby.”

“She did?”

“Si, a healthy little boy. Mama and baby both doing well,” Carina says. “And Doctor Webber had surgery today to replace his hip. It turns out his cobalt hip was poisoning him and that was what was causing him to be sick.” She doesn’t tell Maya that it was Andrew who diagnosed him, that is a bigger conversation than she is willing to have right now.

Maya lifts her head a little. “That’s great news,” she says. She knows how worried Carina and all of the doctors have been about their Chief. He is their Pruitt Herrera, the lynchpin of the hospital.

A jolt of grief shoots through her body. She wants to be happy for Carina, and she is, but it feels so unfair that they were able to rally around to save their Chief while she had to let hers go today. She buries her face back into Carina’s shoulder, willing the tears not to fall again. She doesn’t have the energy for more tears.

“Maya?”

Maya doesn’t respond, but Carina feels her arm tighten around her waist.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Carina soothes, pulling her body even closer.

Maya sighs, her breath hot against Carina’s chest. “Does it really get easier in time?”

Carina doesn’t talk about her mother or what it was like to lose her so suddenly, and as soon as Maya asks the question, she worries that she will have upset her.

“I’m sorry, you don’t…”

“No, it’s okay,” Carina interjects. She ponders the question for a moment. “You’ll never stop feeling sad about losing someone you love. But those moments of overwhelming sadness do start to come less and less. Like waves. At the moment, you’re in the middle of a storm and the waves are crashing all the time. It takes time for that storm to pass. But when it does, the waves become more gentle and eventually they come once in a while, instead of every day. And when they do come crashing, they won’t last forever and you’ll be ready for them.”

Maya takes in what she says.

“I don’t like this storm.”

“No-one does, bella,” Carina says, kissing the top of her head. “But it’s the price we pay for loving people.”

Maya wonders if it is worth it, if loving someone is worth the pain of eventually losing them – but she knows, in her heart, that this right now, curled up in Carina’s arms, is worth it. She twists her head and kisses Carina’s jaw, just below her ear, the only spot she can reach.

Maya sighs wearily and Carina can sense her drowsiness. She reaches out to turn off the lamp, plunging them into darkness. They don’t speak any more, the room silent except for their breathing. It’s not even nine o’clock and Carina is still wide awake. Beside her, she can feel Maya fighting sleep, her brain still trying to process what happened today and all the emotions that fill her body. Not even the thought of plush, white clouds can soothe her into a sleep. Carina starts to speak quietly, reciting poems in Italian and, even though Maya can’t understand them, there’s something about the way she talks, soft and lyrical, that reminds her of the lullabies her mom used to recite when she was younger. Just the sound of Carina’s voice gradually lulls her into a slumber.

Maya can’t see. Smoke fills her eyes and lungs, and she coughs, a deep kind of cough that makes her chest ache. Her throat is dry and she needs water.

Her eyes sting and she realises that she’s not wearing her face mask and hood. She has no oxygen and has no idea how she’s still breathing, but she is. She looks down and notices that she is still in her pyjamas, her bare feet on the cold, concrete floor. Flames lick around her but she doesn’t feel the heat.

“Hello?” she calls out and listens for a reply that never comes.

She has no idea where she is, but she knows that she can’t stay here. She holds her arms out, trying to feel her way around. There’s a wall to the left of her and plants her hands on it, following it blindly.

“Hello?” she calls again. “Andy? Jack? Travis?”

She turns each corner she reaches, wandering aimlessly down every corridor. She never finds any windows or doors, no exits, no people. 

“Bishop?”

“Jack?”

She can’t see him, but she knows he is there, somewhere through the thick smoke.

“Bishop! I can’t see anything. Can’t find an exit. I’m almost out of air.” He sounds tired and breathless.

“Just keep trying Gibson,” Maya tells him.

“I’m just gonna close my eyes.”

“No, no, stay with me, Gibson. Stay awake!”

He falls silent and Maya panics.

“Gibson? Gibson?”

Still nothing.

“Jack?”

“Maya?” comes a familiar voice from behind her.

Maya spins around to see Pruitt stood behind her, dressed in his turnout gear. “Captain?”

“You’re running out of time.”

“What?” Maya says, confused.

“Your team are in trouble,” Pruitt says. “What are you going to do?”

“I… I’m going to get them out of here,” Maya says.

“How? They’re stuck. You’re stuck.”

His words are blunt and Maya feels panic rising up inside of her again, her stomach nauseous. “I… I don’t know. I need to think.”

“You don’t have time to think, you need to act,” Pruitt presses her.

“I just need to get to the exit and find the others,” Maya says.

“There are no others,” Pruitt says. “It’s just you.”

“But it can’t be just me,” Maya says. “I need help, Captain.”

“You’re the Captain now, Maya. It’s your job to save them.”

“What do I do? Please, Captain, help me,” Maya pleads. “Help them!”

“I can’t help you any more,” Pruitt says. “You’re on your own now. You have to figure it out yourself.”

He turns to leave and Maya holds her arms out to stop him, but he is just out of reach.

“Please don’t leave me!” Maya calls out.

He ignores her as he disappears into the smoke, leaving her alone.

“Please Captain!”

Maya jerks awake, her body awakening with such force that she sits upright, her hair sweeping across her face. She gasps at the sudden movement. It is pitch blank and quiet, except for the sound of her heavy breath.

“Maya?” Carina’s sleepy voice drifts through the darkness.

“I saw him,” Maya murmurs. “Cap… I saw him. He left me.”

She feels Carina sit up beside and a gentle hand caress her hair.

“Oh Maya. It was just a dream,” Carina tries to soothe her. “It’s your brain processing what happened.”

“It felt so real,” Maya says.

Carina plants a soft kiss on her temple and it calms her body, even if her mind is racing.

“Come,” Carina urges her, “let’s try and get some sleep.”

Maya’s body is screaming out for rest, but she doesn’t want to sleep, doesn’t want to risk seeing him again.

“I, uh…” she searches for a reason to get out of the bedroom, “… I’m gonna grab some water. You go back to sleep, I’ll just be a minute.”

“You sure?” Carina asks as she stifles a yawn.

“Yeah,” Maya says. “I won’t be long.”

Carina settles back into the mattress and Maya is pretty sure she falls asleep the moment her head hits the pillow. She swings her legs out of bed and stands up, rubbing her forehead and willing her persistent headache to go away. She grabs a hoodie from the dresser and pulls it over her head, before slipping out into the apartment.

The wooden floor is cold and the soles of her feet slap against the solid pine as she walks into the kitchen, grabs a glass and fills it with water. She rummages around in the drawer until she finds an almost empty strip of Tylenol, popping two pills out of the packet and throwing them into her mouth. She notices her hands shaking and takes a gulp of water, washing the painkillers down, before placing the glass back down, worried about it slipping from her grasp. She rolls her head in her neck and lets it hang, exhaling with a quiet, low groan of frustration, willing the painkillers will work quickly.

Maya knows she should try to sleep, but she is too stubborn. Instead, she grabs her laptop and settles on the sofa, crossing her legs underneath her and resting the computer on her knees. She pulls up an incident report form and stares at the screen, her fingers resting lightly on the keys. The screen is bright in an otherwise darkened room and it hurts her eyes. She squints, refusing to let exhaustion win her over. Except the words don’t come. She has no idea what to write, no idea how to even begin to explain what happened today.

All she wants to be able to do is turn back time and replay the day with a happier ending, where no-one dies and everyone lives.

Chapter Text

When Carina wakes, it is a little after nine o’clock. She is curled up on her left side, looking outwards towards the wall, and she stretches her body, letting the tension out of her muscles. As she rouses, she recognises the soft cotton of Maya’s bedsheets and remembers where she is – and why. She falters a little, before rolling over to find the other side of the bed empty. It does not surprise her; Maya is never one to sleep late, even on a good day. And today is most definitely not a good day, not after yesterday’s events.

Carina lifts her head a little, straining her ears for the sound of movement in the apartment, but she is faced only with silence. The last thing she remembers is waking up to Maya’s nightmare and her girlfriend sliding out of bed to get a glass of water. She is pretty sure she was asleep before Maya got back – if she got back at all.

She pushes herself to sitting and climbs out of bed. She clocks herself in the mirror and realises that she is still wearing only Maya’s old Mariners t-shirt, pausing to pull on her pants before stepping out into the apartment. The morning light seeps in around the edge of the curtains, lighting the room just enough for her to spot the open laptop on the coffee table. The screen is black, the laptop asleep after being discarded to one side at God knows what time of the morning. As she moves through the kitchen, she spies the top of Maya’s head near the edge of the couch and is careful not to make too much noise as she approaches.

Maya lies along the couch on her front, her head turned and her cheek resting on a pillow, her mouth gaping open slightly. Despite getting the rest she so desperately needs, her face still carries the grief she feels, and Carina can only hope that she isn’t disturbed by another bad dream.

She grabs the throw from the back of the chair and lets one end drop to the ground, before draping it over Maya’s body, careful not to wake her. She crouches down beside the couch and gently sweeps the hair out of Maya’s eyes, unable to stop herself from leaving a kiss on her temple, hoping that somewhere in her subconscious, Maya feels the affection.

Carina leaves her to sleep and retreats into the kitchen, making herself an espresso and surveying the half-empty refrigerator. She had noticed last night that Maya was overdue a trip to the grocery store. Wanting to make herself useful, she showers quickly and writes a short shopping list on her phone. She still hasn’t found out where Maya keeps a notepad, but she finds an empty envelope discarded to one side for recycling, and scribbles a note on one side of it, letting Maya know where she is if she wakes while she is gone.

The grocery store is a short drive away and it gives Carina the space she needs to exhale. Life just keeps throwing challenges at them and, despite the short time they have known each other, they have learned to lean into each other when so many others would walk away. Yet Maya’s grief is overwhelming and, on top of Andrea’s illness, she feels the burden of looking after the two people she cares about most in the world weighing down on her. Gone is the relaxed demeanour that she carried when they got back from Palm Springs last week, and she feels relief at having a moment to herself, even if it is doing something as mundane as grocery shopping. Her list is short, but she takes her time, telling herself that the longer she is away, the more sleep Maya will get – and ignoring the guilt that niggles at her.   

She gets back to Maya’s apartment an hour later. As she walks up to the building, she spies a familiar figure hovering by the entrance.

“Andy?”

The other woman spins on the spot. She wears her grief all over her face just like Maya does, a deep frown line down the middle of her, her mouth turning downwards, and dark circles under her eyes from where she clearly has not slept.

“Is Maya home?” Andy asks, her question direct, not pausing for any pleasantries.

“She’s upstairs,” Carina says. “Andy, I’m so sorry about your father.”

Her hands are full with shopping bags and they stand awkwardly in front of each other.

“Thanks,” Andy says, shooting her a tight smile. “Maya?”

Carina hesitates. There is something about Andy’s urgency that worries her. She knows why Andy is here, she understands that she needs to hear what happened from Maya, but Carina’s instincts are to protect her girlfriend, no matter how unfair that might be to the grieving daughter in front of her.

“Are you mad at her?”

The question seems to take Andy by surprise, who looks at her with intrigue. “Why? Would you stop me from talking to her if I am?”

“No,” Carina says. “I think she needs to tell you her story – and I think you need to hear it. But I want to be prepared,” she ends with a small shrug.

Andy considers her for a moment. “I’m not mad at her,” she answers eventually. “But I need to know what happened. I need to know what my dad was thinking before he got up on that roof.”

Carina nods. “Of course you do,” she says. “Come on.”

Andy holds out a hand and Carina gratefully offloads one of the bags to her. They don’t bother making conversation as they take the elevator up to Maya’s apartment. Even though she lived in this apartment not too long ago, Andy lets Carina take the lead, hanging back as she unlocks the front door with Maya’s spare key.  

The couch is empty when they walk inside and Carina hears the shower pump coming from the bedroom. She is glad that Maya isn’t there; she can feel that Andy is agitated and wants her to calm down before Maya emerges.

“Have you eaten?”

“Uh, no,” Andy says as she places the bag she carries on the counter.

“Why don’t I make you something to eat?” Carina offers.

“No, thanks, I’m not hungry,” Andy says indifferently.

“You should still eat,” Carina says.

It is not lost on her that she had the same conversation with Maya the night before.

Andy sighs wearily. “Sure,” she concedes easily, no energy in her to push back again.

Andy sits at the table and watches as Carina unloads the groceries. She knows so little about their relationship, it is something that Maya has kept private until recently, and she notices how at ease Carina is in Maya’s space.

Carina can feel herself being watched and, once again, she lets the silence fall between them, knowing that Andy doesn’t need to make small talk with someone who is pretty much a stranger. As soon as the groceries have been put away, she sets about making Andy some breakfast. Pretty quickly, she puts a plate of her fancy eggs on toast on the table, hoping it goes down better than last night’s meal.

She sits down on the chair opposite and is glad to see Andy tuck in hungrily. “You know, I met you dad once.”

Andy looks up, surprised by the revelation. “You did? When?”

“He was with another patient of mine when she miscarried,” Carina explains. She doesn’t refer to Doctor Bailey, conscious of doctor patient confidentiality – even though she knows Andy will probably be able to piece it together. “I thought he was very kind.”

Andy smiles wistfully. “He was.”

She shudders at the use of past tense when referring to her father, another realisation of what has happened kicking her in the gut. Tears spring in her eyes and she shakes her head.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Carina says, reaching out and covering Andy’s hand with her own.

Andy blinks back the tears, her eyes fluttering in quick succession. “Thanks.” She offers her a small smile. “I’m glad Maya has you.”

Carina smiles. Although they have been estranged for a while, Carina knows that Maya still thinks of Andy as her best friend – she just hopes that Pruitt’s death is not a setback in the progress they have made lately.

“I’m glad I have Maya.”

Andy’s phone pings and they both look at it instinctively. Robert’s name lights up the screen and Carina averts her eyes politely.

“Everyone’s checking up on me,” Andy says shyly.

Carina smiles, but doesn’t say anything. She is distracted herself, noticing that the shower pump has gone quiet. Her eyes move to the hallway leading to the bedroom door and she knows she should give Maya warning that Andy is here.

Looking up from her phone, Andy notices her gaze and realises what Carina is thinking. “It’s okay. Go – talk to her. I’m going to eat these eggs, they’re good.”

With a nod of her head, Carina gets up from the table, heading to the bedroom. Maya is still behind the bathroom door, so she perches on the bed to wait for her. Maya emerges a few minutes later, dressed in jeans and a loose t-shirt, her hair pulled back in a loose ponytail. Her eyes light up when she sees her girlfriend.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” Carina says. “How are you feeling?”

Maya shrugs. “You know, okay.”

“You didn’t come back to bed last night,” Carina says. It’s a statement, not a question, and she keeps her tone soft so that Maya doesn’t feel like it is an accusation.

Maya bites her lip and walks the few steps to the bed, sitting down on the bed beside Carina. She takes a long breath and keeps her eyes trained on the ground. “I was afraid to go back to sleep, in case I saw him again. I tried to work on the incident report, but I… I didn’t know what to say. I still don’t.”

Carina slides a hand around her back and Maya leans into her, grateful for her comforting touch.  

“I guess I fell asleep eventually.”

“And did you dream about him?”

Maya shakes her head, no. “I don’t remember what I dreamed about. Maybe I was too exhausted.”

From out in the apartment, they hear the rattle of dishes being placed in the dishwasher, signalling the presence of someone else in the apartment. Maya looks at Carina apprehensively, not in the mood for visitors.

“Andy’s here,” Carina says.

She sees panic flare up in Maya’s eyes, her shoulders immediately tensing.

“It’s okay,” Carina reassures her. “She just wants to talk. She wants to know what happened to her dad.”

Maya takes a deep, shaky breath. “Right.” She sounds resolute, but doesn’t move from the bed, pinned down with nerves.

“Maya,” Carina says gently. “She deserves to know. No matter how hard that conversation is for you, and for her, she deserves to know.”

Maya nods. “You’re right – like always.”

Carina stands first, grabbing Maya’s hand as she moves and pulling her up to standing, not giving her the chance to object. Maya keeps her hand firmly in Carina’s as they walk out into the apartment. Her heart races in her chest when she comes face-to-face with Andy.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

They both stand awkwardly, neither one of them moving or talking and barely meeting each other’s eye. Carina looks between them.

“Why don’t you go and sit, I’ll make some tea,” she suggests, giving Maya a gentle nudge.

“Right, yeah,” Maya says.

She gestures towards the couch and Andy moves first, with Maya following her. They sit side-by-side, backs straight, hands in their lap. Maya reaches for a pillow and holds it against her, her fingers playing with the frayed edge on one side.

“Maya…”

“I’m sorry…”

They talk at the same time, cutting themselves short instead of speaking over the other. They share a clumsy smile.

“Andy, I’m sorry,” Maya says after a beat. “I’m so so sorry.”

“I know.”

Andy reaches out and wraps her hand around Maya’s arm, just below her elbow. Maya finally looks up to meet her eyes, expecting anger or hurt, but only finding compassion.

“I know,” Andy repeats. “But please… Maya, I need to know what happened to my dad.”

Maya realises that Carina was right, Andy deserves to know. She launches into the story, telling Andy what she told Carina the night before: about how the situation escalated quickly; about how the team were trapped and dying; about how they were running out of options until Pruitt had turned up and given them one last chance.

Andy listens intently, tears falling slowly from her eyes as Maya tells her about her father’s final, brave act.

“Why did he do it?”

“For you, for the team,” Maya says, tears filling her own eyes. “For his family. Because he loved you and he wasn’t going to let you all die. Not on his watch.”

“Did he… did he say anything before he went up on the roof?” Andy asks, her voice shaking. “Did he think of me?”

“Andy, you were the only one on his mind,” Maya says. She reaches out and takes Andy’s hands between hers. “It was all about you. And he told me to tell you…”

She pauses to take a breath to compose herself. She can hear Pruitt’s voice in her head, she has been replaying his message over and over again since it happened, knowing that he had entrusted her with his last words to his daughter.

“He told me to tell you that everything he did, every single thing he did your whole life, he did because he loved you. And that he knew he’d made some mistakes, but he loved you.”

Andy’s whole body is shaking. “He did?”

“He did,” Maya says, the tears spilling out of her eyes.

Andy drops her head and Maya shuffles along the couch to embrace her in a hug, holding her best friend as she sobs. Maya feels closer to her than she has in months, and she wonders if it is another parting gift from Pruitt. They sit in their embrace for a while, both crying for the man they loved and respected so dearly.

Andy is the first one to speak as she pulls back slightly. “I can’t believe he’s really gone,“ she says as she wipes her eyes with her sleeve.

Maya reaches out and grabs the box of tissues that has appeared on the coffee table, most likely put there by Carina while they were caught up in their grief.

“Me too.”

From the kitchen, they hear Carina’s cellphone ring, and they both turn their heads towards her.

‘Sorry,’ Carina mouths, answering her phone and disappearing down the hallway into the bedroom.

Maya’s gaze lingers a little longer and when she turns back to her friend, Andy is looking at her knowingly.

“What?”

“I like that one,” Andy comments. “She’s good for you.”

“Yeah?”

Andy nods, as Maya smiles.

“I like her too,” Maya says.

Andy’s phone pings again, another message from Sullivan, only this time it is Maya that notices. Before she gets chance to ask Andy about it, they hear Carina’s raised voice floating through the apartment from the bedroom.

“You should have told me, Meredith!”

Maya knows that an argument with Meredith probably relates to Andrew, which makes her heart sink. He has been stable since they got back from Palm Springs and she hates the thought that he has taken a turn for the worse.

The yelling prompts raised eyebrows from Andy and Maya shoots her an apologetic look. “I should make sure she’s okay.”

Andy nods. “Of course,” she says understandingly. “I should go.”

They stand and walk together to the door.

“I really am sorry,” Maya says again. “I wish there was more I could have done to get you all out of there. I wish…”

“Maya,” Andy interjects. “You’re a good captain, one of the best. My dad made sure of that when he trained you. What happened yesterday was no-one’s fault. We’re just lucky that my dad…” Her voice cracks. “We’re just lucky that my dad was such a hero.”

Maya nods. “He was my Captain. And he’ll always be my Captain.”

Andy steps forward and they hug again, both grateful for the big step closer to mending their friendship.

“Call me if you need anything,” Maya offers as she opens the front door. “Anything at all.”

After Andy has gone, Maya tiptoes down the hallway and pauses at the door to the bedroom. She hears Carina’s raised voice on the other side, clearly aggravated.

“That’s not the point, Meredith. He’s my brother, I should have known!”

Maya pushes the door open a little, but stays in the hallway out of Carina’s eyeline, looking through the gap. She watches as Carina paces up and down, her feet stomping against the wooden floor. She slips into her native tongue, muttering something that Maya doesn’t understand.

“Fine. I’ll come by and see him when I can,” Carina says. “And next time, call me!”

With that, she hangs up the phone and covers her face, letting out a muffled cry. She is angrier than Maya has ever seen her and she turns, throwing her cellphone onto the bed in frustration. Maya watches from the doorway as she runs her hand through her hair, then straightens her back and exhales. When she is a little calmer, Maya pushes the door open further and steps inside.

“Hey,” she says softly.

Carina turns and Maya can see her mind working a mile-a-minute, before she brushes her own worries aside.

“How did it go with Andy?”

Maya tips her head to one side and looks at her incredulously, although it does not surprise her that Carina is still attentive even though her mind is obviously distracted by her argument with Meredith.

“It was okay,” Maya says. “She cried, I cried. But you were right, she needed to hear it. And I needed to be the one to tell her.”

Carina smiles, although it is strained. “Good, I’m glad.”

Maya takes a couple of steps forward, closing the gap between them. “You want to tell me why you were arguing with Meredith?”

“It’s nothing,” Carina says, waving her hand dismissively.

“Carina,” Maya scolds her lightly.

Carina sighs, flopping down on the bed. “Andrea is sick. He, uh, he was at the hospital yesterday, it was him that figured out what was wrong with Doctor Webber. He was relentless, he wouldn’t stop until he figured it out – and now he’s having a depressive episode. Meredith took him home to her house yesterday and… and she didn’t bother to call me.”

Maya sits down beside her. “Oh, Carina, I’m sorry. Where is he now?”

“Still at Meredith’s. She says he hasn’t got out of bed yet.”

Maya feels racked with guilt, knowing that if it hadn’t been for her own trauma and the fact that Carina rushed to be with her, she might have known about her brother sooner.

“You should go and see him,” Maya encourages her.

Carina shakes her head. “No, bella, you need me.”

“Andrew needs you more,” Maya says. “And I’m okay, really.”

The truth is, she hates the idea of Carina leaving right now, but Maya can see how much it is tearing her apart to be away from her brother when he needs her.

Carina wavers. “Are you sure?”

Maya nods. “I’m sure. I need to work on my report – and I think talking to Andy helped me figure out what to say. You should go and be with your brother.”

Carina’s hair hangs loose, framing her face, and Maya reaches up to tuck it behind her ear. Carina twists her head to catch the palm of her hand with a kiss, drawing a smile from Maya.

“Thank you for being here last night. I’m sorry that it meant you weren’t with Andrew, but selfishly I’m really glad you were here.”

“Anch'io amore,” Carina says, leaning forwards and placing a gentle kiss on Maya’s temple.

It is Carina’s turn to lay her head on Maya’s shoulder and she lets out a wistful sigh. “I wish we were back by the pool in Palm Springs.” She thinks back to their lazy days in the sunshine, the good food and good wine, and even better sex that they enjoyed while they were away, and feels nostalgia for their trip.

“Oh, me too,” Maya says, resting her cheek on the top of Carina’s head.

Neither of them can believe how much has happened in just twenty-four hours, the joy of Amelia’s baby and Doctor Webber’s surgery overshadowed by Pruitt’s death and Andrew’s descent into depression. They both sit there for a moment and enjoy the calm, knowing that it won’t be long before something else causes their emotions to come spilling out again.

Chapter Text

With Dean at the wheel, Ladder 19 swings into the barn and comes to a stop. The engine soon follows and the team jumps out of both vehicles, getting to work straight away with their chores. It has been that way ever since Pruitt’s death, everyone keeping busy and doing the best job they can – their way of honouring their former Captain.

Maya keeps her head down, hoping to slip away unnoticed.

She fails.

“Uh, Captain?”

Her shoulders drop and she sighs, taking a moment to paint a smile on her face before she turns around. “Yes Hughes?”

“Don’t forget we still need to get a photo for the calendar.”

Maya’s whole body sags, her head dropping to one side. “Don’t you have one you can use?” Her heart sinks when she sees Vic’s face scrunch, the answer an obvious no. What was wrong with her hands anyway?

“Fine,” Maya says in defeat. “Give me ten minutes, then come and find me.”

She walks around the back of the fire truck, the low mood she has carried over the last week momentarily lifted by the buzz she always gets from a successful call out. As she pushes open the double doors towards her office, she halts when she sees a familiar figure in the reception area.

Carina is standing in front of Pruitt’s picture, dropping a note into the collection bucket as she browses the messages that have been left for him. Her face is serious as she reads, her long hair falling forwards over her face. In her hands is a familiar box, wrapped in a red ribbon.

“Hey you,” Maya greets her.

Carina looks up and smiles, although it doesn’t go unnoticed that her happiness at seeing her girlfriend doesn’t quite hit her eyes. “Maya!”

It has been a few months since they first met and still the way she speaks her name makes Maya’s stomach flip.

“What are you doing here?” she asks, stepping closer.

Carina shrugs casually. “Do I need an excuse to come and see you?”

Maya smiles. “No.” Her gaze drops to the box in Carina’s hand. “Although I’m hoping one of the reasons you stopped by was to deliver that box of cannolis.”

“Cannoli,” Carina corrects her.

“Hmm?”

“One cannolo, two cannoli,” Carina says.

Maya rolls her eyes. “Okay. So, is that box of cannoli for us? Please say yes?”

Her eyes sparkle as she pleads and Carina is happy to see her brighter than she has been in days.

“They are,” Carina says, dropping her head to place a brief kiss on Maya’s cheek.

Maya’s eyes sweep to the left, checking whether the firefighter at the front desk is watching, but he is distracted by his cell phone and whilst it is something that Maya would normally berate him for, she lets it slide this time.

“Should we take them up to the kitchen?” Carina asks.

“Not until I’ve had first pick,” Maya says selfishly, knowing that as soon as the rest of the team know that Carina has brought her favourite sweet treats, they will be gone.

Carina chuckles. “So… how has your shift been so far?”

‘How was your meeting with Dixon?’ is what she means.

“Okay,” Maya says vaguely. She tips her head towards her office door, silently inviting Carina to continue the conversation in private.

Maya moves first and Carina follows. As soon as they walk into her office, Maya’s stomach drops and she groans.

“Oh God.”

Behind her, she hears Carina burst out into laughter.

“Maya…”

“Don’t ask,” Maya says, knowing it is a hopeless cause. She tosses her helmet on to the desk.

“I have to!” Carina says, taking in the setup in front of them. “Why…”

“…is there an inflatable unicorn in my office? Blame Vic. She has us all posing for a calendar to raise money for Pruitt’s funeral.”

Carina’s smile drops and she frowns. “Andy can’t afford his funeral?”

“His line of duty funeral,” Maya explains. “They’re usually held for fallen firefighters who are killed on duty. It’s a big affair, all the firefighters across the city come together to honour them. But since Pruitt was retired, the Fire Department view him as a civilian and they won’t pay. As if his death wasn’t tragic enough…” She trails off, her lips pursed in anger.

“Hey,” Carina consoles her. She places the box of cannoli onto the cabinet next to the coffee machine and reaches out, grabbing one of Maya’s hands and giving it a brief squeeze. “I think a calendar sounds like a great idea.”

Maya shakes her head, still unconvinced about the fundraiser. “Vic has me posing in a swimsuit in front of a unicorn.”

Carina’s eyebrow arches in curiosity. “A swimsuit?”

Maya can’t help but smile at Carina’s not-so-subtle interest in her attire. “Shut up.”

Carina chuckles, before turning serious again. “Will you tell me now how your hearing went?”

She had spent the night before listening to Maya repeat her story over and over again, determined to explain what had happened on her own terms. Her confidence knocked, Carina knew how nervous Maya had been about facing Dixon. Not only had she lost a colleague and mentor, Maya had lost a member of her fire family and it was not easy replaying the moment she had seen Captain Herrera fall through the roof and into a raging fire. 

Maya perches on the edge of her desk, immediately fidgeting as the bathing suit she is still wearing underneath her turnout gear rubs in the wrong place.

“He gave me a hard time. I think he was pretty close to demoting me, but I stood my ground,” Maya says. “Or rather, I made it pretty clear that if he tried to move me onto desk duty, I wouldn’t hesitate to tell the press and anyone else who wants to hear about what really happened that day. And that wouldn’t reflect well on him.”

Carina smirks, a look of pride on her face. “Good for you. Are you doing okay?”

“Yeah,” Maya answers with a small smile. “I’m just glad it’s over.” She reaches out for Carina’s hands, holding them in her lap. “What about you, are you okay?”

Carina’s smile falters, proving that Maya’s concerns were right.

“Andrew?”

“I spoke to Doctor Bailey today about checking him into a residential facility,” Carina says quietly, her voice trembling.

“Oh Carina, I’m sorry,” Maya says, pulling her close and wrapping her up in a tight hug. She can feel Carina’s body trembling in her arms and she tightens her hold. She doesn’t bother to tell her it will all be okay, knowing it will only be received as an empty gesture.  

“I’m sorry, I didn’t come here to dump all my feelings on you,” Carina mutters into her shoulder.

Maya pulls back, a scolding look on her face. “Hey – you can always talk to me about this. No matter what else is going on. God knows I’ve leaned on you enough lately.”

Carina nods. Maya has already proven herself to be a safe shoulder to cry on when it comes to her brother. It surprises her sometimes, when she thinks back to their first hook up and realises how far they have come in such a short space of time. With Andrew’s illness and inevitable breakdown coming, Carina is grateful that Maya came into her life when she did. She hasn’t said it out loud yet but she doesn’t know how she would have got through the last few months without Maya by her side.

Carina kisses her then, pushing down all the guilt and worry she feels and losing herself in Maya’s embrace instead. Maya is taken aback by the ferocity of her kiss and she knows Carina is avoiding her feelings, but she indulges her. Now is not the time to get into a deep conversation, not when she could be called out on another emergency at any moment.

When they break apart, Carina’s eyes sweep her up and down, taking in her visible discomfort caused by the odd outfit she is wearing. “Why don’t you get out of this big coat and we can tuck into these cannoli before your friends know they’re here.”

Maya narrows her eyes. “You just want to see me in a swimsuit.”

“Si… yes, I do,” Carina teases. She holds the zipper of Maya’s turnout coat and starts to pull it down slowly, while dipping her head and placing a soft, slow kiss on Maya’s neck. Her tongue sweeps across Maya’s skin as her lips suck at the sweet spot she finds there.

Maya closes her eyes and lets out a satisfied moan. “Hmm. I really like it when you visit me at work.” A smile crosses her lips as she slips her arms around Carina’s waist and pulls her closer, her head rolling in her neck.

“Yes! That, right there!” comes a voice from the doorway.

Maya’s eyes fly open as Carina spins around.

“Vic!”

Vic shrugs nonchalantly, not caring that she has just interrupted a personal moment.

“You said ten minutes. And I’m serious, that right there – body relaxed, happy smile. That’s what we need for the calendar.” She steps inside the room and fiddles with the camera, winding on the film so that she is ready for the next shot.

“Maybe I should go,” Carina says, extracting herself from Maya’s arms.

“Uh, no way,” Vic says, blocking her path with a hand. “You need to stay and work your magic to get this one to relax in front of the camera.” She looks at Maya with expectation. “Well… come on.”

With a roll of her eyes, Maya slips off the table. The first thing she does is close the door to her office so that no-one can watch her humiliation, then shrugs off her coat, placing it carefully on her desk beside the props to display her name as she had before. She hears Carina hum in satisfaction.

“Red looks good on you,” she teases as she leans back against the cabinet next to Vic.

Maya feels her cheeks blush, turning the same colour as her swimsuit, which causes Vic to laugh. Maya shoots her a withering look.

“Okay, where do you want me?”

“Back in front of the desk,” Vic says. “And try to look happier this time.”

Maya steps in front of the desk. She pulls her hair tie from her head so that her hair falls messily down her back. Just the sight of Vic with her camera at the ready makes her feel awkward and she curls her fists, remembering Travis’s criticisms of her hands earlier that day.

“I’m no good at this,” she laments.

“Didn’t you pose for a Wheaties box when you were in the Olympics?” Vic questions.

Beside her, Carina laughs. “Really?”

“Yes really,” Maya says. “And no, you can’t see it.”

“Google,” Vic mutters under her breath towards Carina, earning her another look from Maya.

Before the two firefighters can get into a sparring match, Carina propels herself forward.

“Bella,” she says softly. She places her hands on Maya’s hips and shuffles her backwards until her ass hits the desk. “Deep breath, in – “ she inhales, waiting for Maya to copy her… “and out.”

Her breath is warm on Maya’s skin and her eyelids flutter instinctively. Carina runs her fingers through Maya’s hair, guiding it over her shoulders and letting it fall naturally across her collarbone. She places her hands on Maya’s shoulders, squeezing them gently and encouraging them to relax.

“Good,” Carina murmurs. “Now stand up straight.”

Maya straightens her back, squaring her shoulders. Carina leans across the desk and picks up Maya’s helmet, placing it carefully on Maya’s head.

“Seriously?”

Carina grins. “You look hot.”

“I feel stupid.”

“You look hot,” Carina repeats, dipping her head and brushing her lips against Maya’s.

She takes Maya’s hands and guides them to her suspenders, looping her fingers around the straps.

“There,” she says. “Now smile.”

Maya lifts her eyes and meets Carina’s, running her tongue across her lips as a coy smile spreads across her face.

It is not until Vic coughs that they remember that they are not alone in the room. Carina steps back.

“Okay, she’s ready,” she says, giving Vic a confident nod.

Maya takes a deep breath, her eyes flicking to Carina for a moment and she smiles. Vic snaps away, taking ten maybe twelve photos.

“Okay, all done.”

Maya breathes a sigh of relief as she takes her helmet off her head and tosses her hair back over her shoulders, resuming her seat on the edge of the desk.

“So when will these calendars be ready?” Carina asks.

“A couple of weeks,” Vic says. “Why, you want one? An extra ten bucks and I’ll get Maya to sign it for you, too.”

“Deal.”

Even Maya laughs at that. “Don’t you have chores to do?” she says pointedly to Vic.

“Yes Captain,” Vic says, taking the hint that she is no longer welcome. As she turns towards the door, her hand reaches out and she swipes the box of cannoli from their spot on the cabinet.

“Hey!” Maya objects.

“Nuh huh, sharing is caring.”  

Maya contemplates throwing the lifeguard’s buoy that sits on top of the unicorn at her, but decides against it. “Get out of my office,” she says instead, although her voice is light and tinged with playful annoyance.

Vic throws her a teasing salute as she walks towards the door.

“Victoria?” Carina calls after her.

Vic pauses and turns around. “Yeah?”

“Make that two calendars.”

Maya shoots her a curious look and Carina grins cheekily. “One for home, one for work.”

Vic cackles as she exits the office, pulling the door closed behind her to give them the privacy she knows they want.

“You’re not funny,” Maya chides. 

“Yes I am,” Carina says, still smiling as she saunters over to the desk. She tucks her finger under the edge of one strap of Maya’s turnout pants and runs it down her body, the back of her hand brushing the thin fabric of her swimsuit suggestively. When she reaches the top of Maya’s turnout pants, she tugs. Maya slips off the desk and is immediately pinned against it.

Carina dips her head and embraces her in a deep kiss. Her hands roam Maya’s body, running down her arms and enjoying the curve of her muscles. She lets out a guttural moan.

“Voglio le tue mani su tutto il corpo.”

Maya has no idea what she is saying, but can guess from the way her girlfriend’s hands are currently caressing her biceps that it has something to do with her arms. Carina has always appreciated her arms. There is no better sound, Maya thinks, than Carina’s laugh than when she lifts her up onto a desk or table or the kitchen counter.

“You’re very… affectionate,” Maya comments. A spark has returned to Carina’s eyes and Maya knows it has nothing to do with avoiding her feelings this time and everything to do with her outfit.

“Well, what do you expect when your hot firefighter girlfriend is dressed in a skimpy swimsuit?” Carina says with a sly grin. “You know, this look is very sexy.” Her eyes drift to the door to the Captain’s bunk. “Do you have time to…?”

Maya lift her eyebrows in anticipation.

“…take a break?” Carina completes her sentence.

“I have time,” Maya says with a knowing smile. She pushes Carina backwards, her hands gripping her hips.

“Oh… are you going to carry me?”

“In this outfit? My boobs really would pop out,” Maya says.

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.” Carina’s eyebrows wiggle playfully.

Maya laughs happily, pushing Carina towards the bunk.

“Get in there and let me show you what these arms can really do.”

Chapter Text

Carina is angry. Angrier than she has ever been.

She is angry with Meredith for not taking care of Andrew like she had promised, for letting him work all the hours under the sun as he had tried to figure out what was wrong with Doctor Webber, without forcing him to rest. And yes, he had been the one to diagnose the cobalt poisoning, but at what cost to himself?

She is angry with Doctor Bailey for not stepping in when she should have, for not flexing her authority as Chief to stop him from burning out. As someone with OCD herself, she knows how easy it is for something to get out of control, especially in a highly stressful situation.

She is angry with her father for being sick also and refusing to get help himself, for never being the role model that Andrew needed, never showing him that his Bipolar was something he could manage and live with, and still thrive in his career as a surgeon. All he had done was teach Andrew that it was something to fear, as if pretending that it wasn’t there was better than confronting it. 

She is angry at the universe for being so cruel and letting her baby brother get sick with the same disease that their father has and which had torn their family apart – quite literally.

Most of all, she is angry with herself. Angry that she couldn’t stop it from happening; angry that she hasn’t been able to protect him from the rollercoaster of mania and depression that is a constant battle for him; angry that she isn’t good enough to help him herself. Instead, she has had to ask for help from a stranger because she doesn’t know what else to do and is terrified every time the phone rings that it is going to be someone calling to tell her the news that every doctor dreads having to give.

It is an anger that made her snap at Maya earlier that evening when she had accidently dropped a wine glass as they had tidied up after dinner, smashed glass scattering across the floor. It was an accident, Carina knew that, but it didn’t stop her from berating Maya for being so clumsy and pushing her aside as she had started to pick up the larger shards with her hands and nicked her finger on a particularly sharp piece.

“I can’t always be taking care of you too,” Carina had snapped as she had wrapped Maya’s hand in a clean dishcloth to stem the bleeding.

She had immediately apologised and Maya had graciously accepted, but the hurt in her eyes had been apparent. They had curled up on the sofa afterwards with some terrible romcom on the television that had barely captured Carina’s attention and she felt the silent tension between them, knowing that Maya was being careful with every question asked and comment made in case it irritated her. Carina had pulled her closer and planted a kiss on her temple, the physical affection easing the tension somewhat and persuading Maya to stay the night.

It is an anger that had caused her to suffer an interrupted night’s sleep, tossing and turning, never finding a comfortable position. Now, here she is at five a.m., wide awake and settled at the dining table of her townhouse, her head in her hands and tears streaming down her face, the anger and fear and sadness flowing out of her and creating a small pool between her elbows. She has been keeping her emotions to herself as much as possible, no energy in her bones to manage her own feelings on top of Andrew’s, but she can’t help herself tonight, the weight of what is to come today bearing down so heavily on her that it is suffocating.

She doesn’t hear the soft pad of footsteps coming down the stairs and across the wooden floorboards, or the chair beside her being pulled out. She only becomes aware of Maya’s presence when one hand slides around her back and the other rests on her forearm.

“Hey… hey,” Maya says, her voice full of concern. “I know you’re scared, but you’re doing the right thing.”

Carina can’t speak, but she shakes her head between her hands, keeping her gaze pointing down. It doesn’t feel like the right thing. It feels very, very wrong and she hates the world for putting her in the position of having to betray her brother’s trust in order to help him.

Maya can feel her hesitation. “You are,” she insists. “He needs help.”

“Then I should help him,” Carina says through muffled sobs.

Maya lifts her hand from where it rests on her back and runs it over Carina’s hair gently. “You are,” she says.

“How? By shipping him off to be someone else’s problem?” Carina lifts her head to stare incredulously at her girlfriend as she feels her anger rising again.

“By relying on the people who can help him,” Maya says. “You’ve tried, Carina, you’ve tried everything and just because he won’t listen to you, doesn’t mean you’ve failed.” She knows Carina’s guilt without her having to speak it out loud.

Carina frowns, refusing to be swayed. “I’m his sister.”

“And you have done everything you can to take care of him. But sometimes we can’t do it all by ourselves, sometimes we have to let other people in,” Maya says. “And there are so many people who care about him – and you. Meredith, Bailey, Doctor Webber… they all want to help you. Let them help you help him.”

Carina shakes her head, every positive affirmation from Maya met with protestation. “He’s going to hate me.”

“He’s not,” Maya says. She knows the reality is that Andrew might react badly to the planned intervention, that he might feel ganged up on by his family and friends and colleagues. “Whatever happens, whatever he says, he’s just scared. But he loves you, I know he does.” 

Carina opens her mouth to argue back, but Maya cuts her off.

“He loves you, Carina. And this is what he needs, I know you know that.”

Carina finally relents, no more fight left in her to push back. Her shoulders slump in defeat as she tucks her head into the crook of Maya’s neck. “I don’t know if I can do this to him,” she says quietly.

“You can,” Maya says. “You’re the only one who can. You’re the only one who loves him enough to do it.”.

Her words hang between them until Carina slowly nods her head, her hair brushing against Maya’s collarbone.

“Okay.”

“Okay,” Maya repeats. She rubs Carina’s back, relieved to feel her calmer than how she had found her. “Do you have a plan?” she asks tentatively. “About how you’re going to do it? What you’re going to say?”

That is Maya, always the planner, compared to Carina’s spontaneous nature.  

“Doctor Cole is going to be there, she’s the counsellor he spoke to when Bailey suspended him before. I guess she’ll take the lead.”

“Don’t you think he’ll want to hear from you?” Maya questions gently.

Carina uncurls herself from Maya’s arms, sitting up and resting her forearms on the table. “I don’t know what to say,” she admits. “It feels too hard.”

“Of course it’s going to be hard,” Maya says, thinking back to the pep talk that Carina gave her not too long ago when she had been nervous about speaking to Andy after Pruitt’s death. “But you need to tell him, whatever it is you’re thinking and feeling, you need to say it out loud. I think you’ll regret it if you don’t.”

Maya looks around the room, her eyes falling on the bureau that stands against the wall. She stands and walks over to it, opening a drawer and rummaging around until she finds the notebook and pen she is looking for. She takes it back to the table and sits down in her seat.

“Here – write it down,” she suggests, pushing the pen and paper towards Carina. “Write everything. Get it out of your head, Carina.”

Carina takes a deep breath and picks up the pen, her hand shaking so much that it drops back onto the table. Before she has chance to try again, Maya takes it for herself, pulling the notepad closer.

“Tell me,” she says gently. “Push out all the fear and the guilt that you’re carrying, and tell me.”

Carina looks at her, her eyes full of tears and love and wonder at how one person can make her feel better by offering to the share the weight of the burden she has been carrying for years.

“He’s my baby brother,” Carina says through her tears. “I’ve loved him since the moment he was born. His face was all red and squishy, and he had long limbs and no hair, except for this soft blonde fuzz. I thought it made him look like a peach.” They share a smile over the memory and Carina thinks about digging out some old photos, overcome by the urge to reminisce. “I was so excited to have a little brother. When Mama was in the hospital, I stayed by the phone for hours until Nonna sent me to bed. She woke me at three o’clock in the morning to tell me he was here and I ran out into the rain because I didn’t know what to do with all the excitement I was feeling.”

A tear falls from her eye and she wipes it away quickly.

“We’re a team. No matter what was going on with Mama and Papa, it was me and Andrea. I looked after him because I was the big sister but he… I think he doesn’t know it, but he looked after me too. We’ve always looked after each other, it’s what we do.”

“So you’ll tell him that,” Maya says softly, writing down the memory that Carina had just recited. “What else?”

They sit there for an hour as Carina pours her heart out and they write, and rewrite, the things that she wants to tell Andrew to persuade him to finally listen to her. The sun is rising by the time they finish and Carina feels drained, but relieved at having the jumbled thoughts in her head finally out in the open.

“Thank you, bella.” Carina leans across the table and places a soft kiss on Maya’s cheek, smiling as she feels Maya lean into her.

“Do you want me to come to the hospital with you?” Maya offers. “It’s my day off, I can be there for you.”

“No, Maya, you don’t have to do that.”

“I want to,” Maya says. She thinks about all the times Carina has been there for her and it is not that she feels obligated to return the gesture, but she wants Carina to know that she is the kind of person she can rely on when she needs it. 

“I know and I’m grateful, I really am,” Carina says. “But he’s not going to react well and he doesn’t really know you yet and…”

Regret is painted all over her face and Maya reaches out to cover Carina’s hand with one of her own.

“It’s okay,” she interjects. “I understand. But promise me you’ll call me if you need me?”

Carina nods. “I promise.”

“How about I drop you at work instead?”

“I need to stop by Andrea’s apartment, pack a bag. He… he’ll go straight to the facility,” Carina says, her voice faltering.

“Then I’ll come with you,” Maya says, not giving up just yet, wanting to stay by Carina’s side for as long as she can.

Carina smiles, realising that Maya is not going to let up easily. “Okay.” She rests a hand on Maya’s thigh, squeezing it. “And when he’s better, I’m going to make sure he gets to know you properly. I want him to know you, Maya.”

Maya smiles, her cheeks blushing pink. She is not normally the kind of person that someone wants to introduce to their family and it used to be a red flag to her, but not this time. This time, she wants it. She wants to immerse herself in Carina’s life and get to know her most important person, knowing that Andrew is the one whose approval she needs the most.

“I would like that.” She puts her hand over Carina’s, curling her fingers around hers. “I know I’m not going to be able to persuade you to get any more sleep, but can I at least convince you to eat some breakfast? My eggs might not be as fancy as yours, but I make a good omelette. And I’m really good at toast too.”

Carina laughs at that. “That sounds good.”

She means it. Having Maya by her side is the tonic she needs as she prepares for what she knows is going to be a difficult day.

Carina’s resolve almost falters when she sees how broken and scared Andrew looks when he steps into the room and realises what is going on. She thinks about grabbing his hand and pulling him out of there, away from the hospital and these people, and hiding him away in her house until the depression passes. But she knows she can’t, she knows that running away would be the real failure. So she stays, perched on the arm of a chair, gripping the notebook in her hands so hard that her knuckles turn white.

She regrets saying no to Maya’s offer to be there with her, missing the firefighter’s presence as she observes her brother’s pale face and drawn features, immediately reluctant to participate in this charade. She closes her eyes for a moment and tries to hear Maya’s voice in her head, telling her that she is doing the right thing and reassuring her that everything will be okay.

All eyes are on her as she stands and reads the words that Maya wrote for her. She can barely look him in the eyes at first, frightened of seeing hate or anger, but when she begs him to accept their help, she looks straight at him, her eyes pleading with him and silently asking that he hears her.

She gets nothing back, just mild disdain that he is being put through this nonsense.

Doctor Webber is next and he tells Andrew that he’s special – and he is, Carina has always thought so. Then Meredith and Bailey, trying to appeal to him, but every time they hit a wall.

He feels shame and it breaks her heart, because all he wants is to not be like their father and she knows that he isn’t anything like Papa, but the illness is overwhelming, it always has been. She tells him that, but he rejects her and gets angry – and she understand that anger more than anything because she feels it herself.

He is banging the door closed, over and over again, and it makes her jump because he has always been the placid one compared to her fiery nature. She watches him slide to the floor and the overprotective sister gene kicks in. It is the same one that made her confront the gang of boys that used to tease and bully him on his walk home from school when he was eight years old and she warned them that she would make them sorry if they came after him again. She sits beside him and remembers Maya’s words from earlier that morning, and asks him to let them help him. To trust them, to trust her to take care of him when he can’t take care of himself.

Carina feels the love for him in the room and she prays that he can feel it too. And finally he relents and he leans into her, like he did when he was small, curling into her and letting her clean the tears from his cheeks. They are blocking the door but no-one rushes them to move, and Carina soothes him in their native Italian, promising him that everything is going to be okay and willing herself to believe it as much as him.

It is a twenty minute drive to the residential facility in Bellevue and they are blessed with good traffic. Carina worries the whole ride that he will put up resistance at some point, but Andrew is calm – eerily so, she thinks, having been witness to his extreme mood swings lately. She marks it to exhaustion and she gets it, because the day has drained her too.

Doctor Cole has called ahead so, when she pulls into the parking lot, there is a doctor waiting outside who greets them as they emerge from the car. He looks young, Carina notes, but holds himself with a confidence that she immediately trusts.

“Doctor DeLuca,” he says, stepping forwards. “I’m Neil Morgan.”

Carina isn’t sure who he is talking to and Andrew stays silent, so she steps forwards first. “Carina DeLuca,” she introduces herself, holding out her hand that Morgan accepts. “This is my brother, Andrea.”

Doctor Morgan holds out his hand to Andrew and despite the lack of initial response he keeps his hand raised until Carina pokes her brother between his ribs and he politely accepts the greeting.

“Andrew,” is all he says, correcting Carina’s preference to use his given name.

“It’s nice to meet you, Andrew.” Doctor Morgan turns and guides them through the door and into the building. “Doctor Cole has already filled out most of the relevant forms for you, there are just a few signatures I need from you both.”

They go through the motions of completing the paperwork. The reception area is bright and clean, with calming tones of green and blue, but the thought of what lies beyond the doors is too overwhelming for them both to notice.

“I’ll give you a moment to say goodbye,” Doctor Morgan says once the paperwork is filed.

Carina shoots him a grateful smile before turning to her little brother.

“It’s going to be okay,” she says. “I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but it is. You’re nothing like Papa. He wouldn’t do this, he wouldn’t accept help, even in the worst times. That makes you better than him. It makes you stronger and more brave.”

Andrew nods and she takes it as a sign that he is taking on board what she is saying.

“I love you, il mio fratellino. And I’m going to be right here to pick you up in four weeks, okay?”

“Thank you,” Andrew says quietly.

It is all she needs to hear and Carina feels her chest swell. She pulls him in for a hug, holding on to him for as long as she can before Doctor Morgan makes his presence known. It is hard for her to leave and she lingers as Doctor Morgan takes Andrew through the double doors on the other side of the room, speaking to him in a low voice as they walk.

Once they are out of sight, Carina retreats to her car and once she is alone she can’t hold back the sob that ruptures from her chest, pummelling the steering wheel with the palm of her hands as she vents her anger. She cries in the car for more than ten minutes, letting her eyes run dry.

When she finally starts her journey home, the traffic has built up along the freeway and she trails behind a long queue. She finds that she doesn’t care, in no hurry to reach the solitude of her townhouse. The sun is setting by the time she arrives home and the darkness is a comfort. She moves slowly as she climbs out of the car, her body weary, and it takes a moment before she realises that there is someone waiting for her on the steps of her porch. Carina’s heart leaps when she sees who it is.

“Maya! What are you doing here?”

“I told you, it’s my day off,” Maya says from her seat on the top step. “I wasn’t going to let you spend the evening alone.” She lifts the takeout bag in her hands. “I stopped by Little Roma. I didn’t think you’d be in the mood to cook.”

“Il mio eroe.”

Carina breaks out into a small smile that feels foreign on her face and it doesn’t linger for long, but it is enough to lift her spirits for a moment. Maya stands as Carina walks the few steps to the porch and immediately slides her arms around Maya’s waist, seeking the comfort of her embrace. Maya stays on the top step, making her taller for once and giving Carina the chance to snuggle against her chest, burying her face into the crook of Maya’s neck. Maya wraps her arms around her and pulls her close. She doesn’t ask how it went, she doesn’t need to. Carina had sent her a message earlier to let her know that she was taking Andrew to the Bellevue Treatment Center which meant that the intervention had worked and he had finally listened to her pleas.

“You did a good thing today,” Maya says softly. “I know it was hard and I know it probably doesn’t feel like it, but you did. You were the big sister he needed.”

She feels Carina trembling in her arms and holds her tighter, their bodies swaying a little in the darkness as she gives Carina a moment to compose herself before pulling back.

“Come on, the food will go cold.”

Carina lets them into the house, slipping out of her heels and feeling relief as her bare feet hit the cold, wooden floor. Her body feels tense as she carries her stress in her shoulders and she rolls her neck in a circular motion, letting out a heavy sigh as she walks into the front room. It is just as she had left it earlier this morning and yet everything is different. She thinks she should feel some sort of gratitude that the day went as planned, and maybe she will in a day or two, but right now any gratitude is quelled by the anger that still lingers.

Maya doesn’t try to make conversation as she heads straight to the kitchen, retrieving plates from the cupboard and dishing up the food. Carina heads to the door to the garden and pulls it open, letting some cool air into the house. She pauses in the doorway, closing her eyes and letting the breeze wash over her. It calms her and she appreciates the tranquility of the moment.

“Carina?”

“I’ll be there in a minute,” Carina says, more irritably than she intends. She knows Maya noticed and sighs. “I’m sorry, bella.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not,” Carina says roughly, leaning against the frame of the open door. “None of this okay.”

Maya can sense her frustration from the short distance away. She places the two dinner plates on the table and walks over to where Carina is standing, sliding one arm around her waist and resting her cheek on Carina’s shoulder.

“What do you need?” She catches herself, not wanting to upset her girlfriend even more by asking a dumb question. “I know I can’t change how you’re feeling. But right now, what do you need?”

Carina’s body is so tightly wound up that she feels like she might unravel at any moment. She doesn’t want to unravel, she doesn’t want to give this awful disease one more ounce of her emotions. She spins in her spot and curls into Maya’s body, dipping down to rest her chin on Maya’s shoulder and wrapping her arms around the top of her back.

“This,” she murmurs.

Maya responds by sliding her arms around Carina’s waist and letting herself be used as a resting place. “This I can do. We can do this all night if you want to.”

“You’re staying tonight?”

Maya thinks it is a crazy question after all Carina has done for her over the last few weeks, keeping her company at night when the nightmares came back. “I’m not going anywhere,” she promises.

Carina thinks back to the day not that long ago when Maya had pushed her away in her office, boasting that she ‘didn’t need a girlfriend’ and calling their relationship nothing more than a ‘hook up’. How fast things had changed since then and now Maya was her safe place to land, where she felt safe and protected and maybe even loved. Carina had always known that she was capable of loving fiercely but no-one had ever given her the chance – until now.

“Thank you,” she murmurs, blinking back tears and tightening her grip around Maya’s back.

She knows in that moment that she could love Maya fiercely.

That maybe she already does.

Chapter Text

Maya watches as the door closes, Carina’s shadow disappearing and leaving nothing behind but the lingering scent of her perfume, floral and heady. It is a smell that Maya enjoys, usually as she nuzzles her face into the crook of Carina’s neck while her hands roam her body, but not today.

Maya drops her head and inhales deeply, trying to steady her breath. There is guilt somewhere underneath everything else she is experiencing right now, knowing that she shouldn’t have snapped at Carina like that; but the overwhelming feeling she can’t shake is one of irritation. No-one has ever understood her relationship with her dad, not even her mom or Mason. They try to paint him as a bad guy, but what is so bad about wanting your daughter to succeed? It was her dad who made her who she is today – tough and resilient, always working hard, always striving to do and be the very best. Okay, so he wasn’t perfect and sometimes that determination led to some tough training tactics, but to call it abuse was not fair. After all, Maya should know. She was the one who supposedly endured it.

It was jealousy, she concludes. Her mom never liked the amount of time she spent at the race track with her dad, always cajoling her to go shopping or get their nails done. But Maya wasn’t interested in that. She liked running, it made her feel strong and powerful, and there was nothing better than the breeze against her face as she circled the track. She would run until her lungs hurt and her muscles ached, and then she would run some more. Her legs carried her around the track and when they had no energy left in them, her mind took over. Embrace the pain, eyes forward at all times. She liked to win, too, always pushing herself harder because she loved to see the pride in her father’s eyes when she was the first to cross the finish line.

Carina doesn’t get it and why would she? She has never met Maya’s dad. Okay, so maybe Carina’s upbringing was rough – she rarely talks about her own father, other than mentioning once that he was Bipolar and had passed it down to Andrew. And if that’s the case, then of course Maya feels sorry that had to go through that, but that doesn’t mean that their childhoods were the same. Far from it, Maya grew up knowing that her father only wanted her to be the best she could be.

Denial? The thought is ridiculous. Maya is not a child. She knows what abuse looks like, she has seen it plenty of times in her job. She has seen the women who make excuses for their husband’s bad tempers and the children who cower away from their parents. She is not one of them. Her dad is not an abuser and she is not a victim. She won’t let anyone tell her any different.

There is a knock at the door and she doesn’t know whether she feels nervous or hopeful that Carina has come back. She sits up straight and wipes the last of her tears from her face.

“Come in.”

The door opens and Andy’s face appears. “Hey,” she says as she steps inside looking a little nervous, immediately noticing Maya’s dour face and red cheeks. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Maya says dismissively, not in the mood for another conversation about it.

Andy isn’t easily convinced, knowing Maya too well. She glances around the room. “Did Carina leave already?”

Maya’s body tenses at the obviously triggering question, her brow crinkling. “Yeah, she uh… she had other plans. How’s it going out there?”

Andy knows the question isn’t genuine and sees immediately that Maya is trying to change the subject. She sits down in the chair on the opposite side of Maya’s desk without waiting for an invitation.

“You know you’ve been weird all day,” Andy comments. “Ever since your mom…”

“Andy, what are you doing here?” Maya interrupts, her voice hard and tinged with annoyance.

They may not be as close as they once were, but Andy knows Maya well enough to see the shutters coming down and she figures it must have something to do with the bombshell that Maya’s mom had dropped about leaving her dad. Andy has only met Lane Bishop a handful of times, he has always been polite and interested in their work. She wouldn’t think much of him if she met him in street. But it was the way that Maya would behave when her dad dropped by that was more noteworthy, how her body would stiffen and her mouth would twitch, waiting for either approval or condemnation, as if never knowing which one it would be. And then there were the stories of how hard he pushed her and the training sessions that filtered down into their team workouts. Andy’s impression of him was that was hard and strict, so very different from her own warm and loving father.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine,” Maya snaps, signalling the end of their conversation. “What’s up?”

Andy gives up, realising that she is fighting a losing battle at trying to get Maya to talk to her.

“There’s, uh… there’s something you should know and I’d rather you heard it from me,” Andy says. 

It piques Maya’s interest and she leans forward curiously. “Is everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine,” Andy reassures her. “Look, I know you know that Robert and I have been seeing each other.”

Maya shoots her a smile. “I figured it out, yeah. It seems like he’s really been there for you the last few weeks.”

“Yeah, he has,” Andy says. “But what you don’t know is that… we got married.”

Maya is clearly taken aback by the news, her mouth gaping open in surprise. “Oh,” is all she says as she tries to process it. When? Where? Why?

The expression on Maya’s face tells Andy that she has the same concerns that Jack had shared earlier that day. She puffs up her chest in preparation for having to explain it all again.

“I know it was kind of spur of the moment, but I’m happy about this,” Andy insists. “My dad was there and he got to walk me down the aisle, so…”

Tears spring up in Andy’s eyes and she is surprised by the emotions stirring inside of her. No matter what Jack says, no matter what doubts he puts in her mind, Andy would not trade that day for anything, knowing the memory would be hers to keep forever.

Maya takes a moment as the news sinks in and she realises from Andy’s stance that she has been defending her decision to the rest of the team. She doesn’t want to be another one to ruin Andy’s joy, especially when they’re on good terms at the moment, so she springs from her seat.

“Congratulations!” she cheers, walking around the desk where Andy now stands to accept her celebratory hug. “I’m happy for you. You deserve some good in your life right now.”

Andy squeezes her back. “Thanks Maya.”

When they pull back, Maya is shaking her head in wonder. “Married huh? I’m not gonna lie, I’m a little disappointed we didn’t get to throw you a bachelorette party.”

Andy rolls her eyes. “So you and Vic could get me into some awkward and embarrassing situations? No, thank you.”

Maya grins cheekily.

“And some more good news is that Dixon finally agreed to let my dad have a line of duty funeral,” Andy says.

“He did? Finally,” Maya says, welcoming the news. “What made him change his mind?”

“I don’t know, I guess he was just fed up of us pestering him all the time,” Andy says with a shrug of her shoulders.

“Well, whatever the reason, it’s what your dad deserves. And we’ll make it the best line of duty funeral that anyone’s ever had,” Maya promises. “How are you doing being at work?” She hasn’t had the chance to check in with Andy all day, another thing to blame on her mother’s unexpected announcement, and she asks the question more as her friend than her captain.

“It wasn’t easy walking through the door this morning,” Andy admits. “I know he hadn’t worked here for a while, but he’s everywhere, you know? My childhood was spent here with him. My work, my career – it’s all been here at this station, with him watching over me. All those memories are wrapped up in this place and sometimes they’re a comfort but sometimes they feel cruel, because they’re just reminding me of what I’ve lost.”

Maya nods. “You know you can take more time off if you need it,” she offers. “I mean, you did great today. You were on it like you always are. But if you need more time, don’t be afraid to ask.”

“Thanks, but I’m glad to be back. I need to be back,” Andy says. “But…”

She pauses, feeling bad about ratting out a friend, even though she knows in her gut that it is the right thing to do.

“But?”

“But I think Jack is struggling.”

Confusion crosses Maya’s face. “Jack?”

“He freaked out today, Maya. In the bowling alley, when we were trapped. I think the storage facility incident might have triggered his PTSD.”

They had been so caught up in mourning Pruitt’s death that Maya hadn’t thought about what sort of impact that day might have had on the team. “I didn’t notice.”

Maya had seen signs of it the last time after the skyscraper fire, they all had, except it had taken Pruitt to call them all out on it before they had done something. She strives so hard to be the kind of captain that Pruitt would be proud of and she kicks herself for missing something so important.

“Well, you know Jack,” Andy says. “And he says he’s been seeing Diane Lewis, so I guess he’s been doing okay. But today was different, today he couldn’t cope. And I know he’s going to be pissed I told you, but you need to know.”

Maya nods. She knew he had been having counselling sessions ever since Diane’s visit to the station a few weeks ago, although she knew better than to ask for details. “Thanks. I’ll talk to him.”

Shoving her hands in her pockets, Andy tips her head towards the door. “I should get back. You coming?”

The thought of a crowd is not appealing to Maya right now. “Maybe in a bit, I have some paperwork to catch up on.”

Andy shoots her a conspicuous look. “You know, whatever’s going on between you and Carina, you should make it right. She’s good for you, she makes you happy. And you deserve that.”

Andy looks pointedly towards the pile of calendars that sit on Maya’s desk. “You should take her one of those, call it an apology gift.”

Maya frowns. “What makes you think it’s me who has to apologise?”

Okay, so she is right, but Maya is still affronted by the assumption. Andy simply smirks.

“Maya… please.”

She dodges Maya’s playful swipe of her hand and shuffles backwards.

“Come and grab a plate at some point. You should eat, even if you’re not in the mood for company,” Andy orders her.

She walks out of the office, leaving the door ajar as she makes her way back to the spaghetti dinner. Before Maya has the chance to think any more about how to make it up to Carina, her phone buzzes and she hopes it is her girlfriend giving her the chance to say she is sorry. She turns and reaches across her desk for her cell phone, pulling up the message. Her chest immediately tightens when she sees her mom’s name light up the screen.

She almost doesn’t bother to read it but curiosity gets the better of her. She taps on the message to open it.

I know it’s hard for you to hear, honey, but the way your father treated you and your brother when you were younger wasn’t right. My therapist says that it’s not unusual for children to bury the truth about their abuse. Please come and talk to her, she can help you. I love you.

Maya throws her phone down on the desk, catching the stapler and smashing one corner of the screen. She lets out a low growl, her body tensing once again. There is that word again: abuse. Everyone keeps throwing it around like it is simple, judging her dad and judging her childhood like it’s a damn case study.

She hears laughter floating through from the barn and it aggravates her. She pushes herself away from the desk and stalks across the room, closing the door with such force that the blinds rattle against the glass. Any interest she had in joining the fundraiser has gone and she spends the next few hours brooding in her office, busying herself with paperwork and brushing off her colleagues when they encourage her to join them.

When night falls, Maya doesn’t bother to try and sleep, knowing that she won’t be able to turn her mind off. She has got better at sleeping on shift over the last couple of months. The thoughts that used to race through her head at night are no longer there because she has Carina in her life. She can speak those things out loud and Carina will listen, and her mind is at peace more often than it used to be. But not tonight. Tonight, her mind is on overdrive as she replays moments in her life. Memories of her father – the early morning training sessions, the Saturday afternoons at the track. Pushing and pushing her to run faster and better until she was the best of all of her track team. They are good memories, they are the foundation of everything she has achieved since, and she hates her mom a little bit for trying to take that from her.

She is glad when the alarm sounds just after midnight: a fire at a nearby elementary school, likely arson. The science wing causes them problems and it takes them a long time to get it under control. They finally pull into the station around four a.m. and Maya helps the team with their chores, ignoring the raised eyebrows and curious looks. When they are done, Maya sends the rest of them to get a couple of hours’ sleep while she writes up her report.

When eight o’clock rolls around, Maya lingers in her office, waving off her team as they make their escape one by one. Andy points at the pile of calendars as she passes the door, giving Maya a knowing look.

Maya picks up her phone and pulls up the last message that Carina sent to her yesterday morning, telling her she was bored at home and on her way to the station to see her. She remembers the way her had heart leapt when she read those words. Despite only leaving Carina asleep in bed a few hours earlier, Maya had looked forward to seeing her again so soon – except her elation had soon been dampened by her mother’s visit.

She knows she owes Carina an apology and her fingers hover over the keys, quickly realising that a text message isn’t going to cut it. She knows Carina starts rounds at nine o’clock and hopes that an apology in person, with a cup of her favourite coffee as a sweetener, might earn her forgiveness.

Maya drops the papers she has been reading into a file and closes it, shoving it into a drawer to worry about tomorrow. She grabs her backpack, her eyes falling on the calendar and, taking heed of Andy’s advice, picks one up and tucks it into her bag, then slings it over her shoulder.

She walks the three blocks to Grey Sloan at a casual pace, letting the early morning commuters weave around her, and stopping at the coffee shop on Jeremy Street on her way. It has become a familiar place to her by now and she reels of Carina’s coffee order easily.

It’s a short walk to the hospital from there and she spots Carina’s car in the parking lot, which tells her that she is already at work. Maya knows the corridors by heart now, making her way straight to Carina’s office, pausing just outside the door and taking a deep breath, before knocking three times.

“Come in,” Carina’s voice sings from the other side.

Maya pushes the door open just as Carina takes a swig of coffee from a small paper cup.

“Hey,” Maya says tentatively, unsure of the reception she is going to get.

“Hi,” Carina says, leaning back in her chair.  

Maya can see the tentative look in her eyes, as if she doesn’t know what Maya will say next, and it makes her feel guilty. A memory comes and goes of sitting at the table with Mason, their mom making dinner as they did their homework. It is just after six o’clock and her dad arrives home from work a little later than normal, everyone freezing in their place as they hear the front door close, waiting to see if his late finish has irritated him.

She brushes the memory aside. Everyone has bad days at work, right?

Her eyes drop to the coffee cup on the table and she lifts the one in her own hand. “Great minds.” She offers a small smile, waiting to see if Carina accepts her gesture, hoping that the fact it doesn’t come from the hospital cafeteria will win her some brownie points.

Carina takes a moment before she responds with a simple, “thank you”, as she dumps her own cup into the waste bin.

Maya takes it as a sign that she is welcome inside and walks forward, placing the cup on the desk and sliding it forwards.

“I’m sorry about last night,” Maya says. “I was upset with my mom and I took it out on you, and I shouldn’t have done that. I’m really sorry.”

Carina knows her apology is genuine, her eyes pleading for forgiveness alongside her words.

“It’s okay,” she says, standing up and walking around the desk, resting on the edge next to where Maya stands. “I know it’s hard to hear what your mom has to say.”

Maya feels herself getting riled again but she pushes it back down, determined not to let her frustrations with her mother’s nonsense spill into her relationship with Carina. Instead, she shakes her head.

“Don’t listen to my mom,” she says, trying to brush it aside. “She’s always been… dramatic.”

“Maya…”

“I mean it. The picture that she’s painting isn’t real. I don’t know why she’s doing it, but she’s lying,” Maya says. “That wasn’t my childhood, that wasn’t our life.”

Carina frowns. “Are you sure?” she asks gently. She doesn’t know much about Maya’s upbringing outside of her running achievements, but from the things her mom said and especially from Maya’s reaction to them, she doesn’t believe it was just tough love.

Maya’s face darkens in anger, annoyed that Carina won’t let it go. Beads of sweat form on her forehead and she twists her lips to stop herself from saying something else she regrets.

“I don’t want to fight with you about this.”

Carina can see the walls building up around her and her heart drops. She has seen Maya open up gradually over time, letting her into her deepest thoughts about work and her team and Pruitt’s death. This feels different. This feels like if Carina keeps knocking at those walls, they will only get stronger and she doesn’t want that. Maybe in a day or two she’ll try again, Carina thinks. Maya just needs to sit with information for a little while, she needs time to get her head around it before she is ready to acknowledge the truth in her mom’s words. And when she does, Carina will be there. After all, they have learned to be each other’s shoulder to cry on and they should be able to talk about it. They will talk about it. She won’t let another person she loves hurt like this.

“I don’t want to fight with you either,” Carina says eventually. “I just want to know that you’re okay.”

“I’m fine,” Maya says forcefully, then catches herself and softens her tone. “I’m fine, honestly.”

Carina doesn’t need another patient on her hands, not after everything she has been through with Andrew lately, and Maya is determined not to add any more stress to her life.

“I brought you a present,” she says, flashing a conciliatory smile as she slips her backpack off her shoulders. She drags the zip and opens the bag, pulling the calendar out. “I’m June.”

She still feels stupid about it, but hopes that it is enough to bring a smile to Carina’s face. It works. Carina flicks through the pages to June, her eyebrows shooting upwards in delight when she sees Maya’s photo.

“Bella, you look hot!”

Maya blushes. “Yeah well, Dixon approved Pruitt’s line of duty funeral anyway, so they’re a waste of paper now.”

“Oh no,” Carina objects, “this is definitely not a waste of paper.” She twists and reaches for a pen from the pot on her desk, holding it out towards Maya. “You said you’d sign it for me.”

Maya tilts her head to one side. “Seriously?”

“Seriously,” Carina says with a playful glint in her eyes. She looks at Maya expectantly.

Maya rolls her eyes. “Fine. But you owe you me fifty bucks.”

“I thought it was thirty-five for a signed copy?”

“Yeah well, the price just went up,” Maya teases as she scribbles her name across the bottom of the page, glad to hear Carina laugh. She hands the signed calendar back to Carina, watching in amusement as she hangs it on a spare thumb tack in her wall, keeping June on display.

“Have dinner with me tonight?” she blurts out, desperate for a normal night out where they can ignore everything with her mom and enjoy each other’s company. “We can try that sushi place in town that you’ve been talking about. My shout.”

Carina knows it is a peace offering and accepts graciously. “I’d like that.”

Maya smiles, glad that a truce has been reached. “So you’ll never guess what Andy announced today…”

Carina listens as Maya launches into the story of Andy and Sullivan’s wedding. She sees it for what it is, knowing that Maya is avoiding the bigger subject, and she lets it go, also grateful that the tension between them has eased. Whatever it is that Maya is burying is going to come to the surface one day soon, and Carina knows that all she can do right now is resolve to be ready for whatever comes next.

Chapter Text

Maya can feel her girlfriend’s eyes on her as Carina tries to figure out what she is thinking. She has been watching her ever since bringing up her mom’s uninvited visit to the station last week and Maya wants her to stop but doesn’t know how to make her. Carina’s question hangs over her… “don’t you think maybe there is some truth in what your mom says?” …the words rolling off her tongue so casually yet feeling like a firework that might explode if Maya taps at it just enough. 

She avoids meeting Carina’s eyes, busying herself with making lunch, but feels on edge as she waits for another question about her family that she doesn’t want to answer. It is not the first time that Carina has looked at her like this, studying her and trying to understand her better. Usually Maya stops it with a kiss or sometimes more; anything to distract Carina from trying to peel back more layers. Except the mood isn’t right for that kind of move, so she concentrates on chopping the salad for their lunch instead. She knows if she looks up, she’ll see Carina’s kind face looking at her with concern and perhaps some pity, and Maya doesn’t want that.

She had come home earlier that day in a good mood after a successful shift – their biggest call involving a family of five caught in a house fire, including a tricky save of the youngest child from the back room that was surrounded by flames and whose access was blocked by an overgrown tree. Maya’s quick-thinking and her team’s hard work had meant that everyone had been saved, including the family dog. Grateful that the end of her shift coincided with Carina’s day off, she had invited Carina to her apartment to celebrate her win, pulling her towards the bedroom the second she had walked through the door – only for the elation to turn sour when Carina had grilled her about her mother’s clouded memories of her youth.

“How long are you going to angry chop at me?” Carina asks.

Maya can hear what sounds like amusement in her voice, like it’s funny that everyone is trying to turn her into a victim, and that causes the rage inside of her to swirl even more. She needs Carina to let it go. She has already made it clear that there is nothing to talk about, that her mom’s accusations aren’t true, and it pisses her off that no-one will believe her. She doesn’t want to waste another moment on it – she has moved on, pushed it aside as nonsense.

Except she hasn’t moved on, not really. It has been sitting with her over the last few days, an underlying irritation that she will admit keeps spilling out into her job. Poor Emmett has borne the brunt of her mood and she knows she has been taking it out on him as the weakest member of the team.

Her mind has been plagued by memories that pop up without warning and which she can’t shake. Memories like the time she had ignored the blister that was about to burst on the bottom of her heel to maintain her personal best as her father cheered from the sidelines; like the time she had paid no attention to the ache in her chest that had turned out to be bronchitis, too determined to cross the finish line and run into her father’s arms as he waited for her. They are memories that usually remind her of her strength; eyes forward at all times.

Now those memories are being tarnished by her mom and Carina trying to turn them into something negative, when they have been the foundation of everything she has achieved since. After all, she would not have had the strength to embrace the pain of her sprained ankle to push past the Ethiopian runner and win her Olympic gold medal if it hadn’t been for the lessons her father had taught her.

Maya does not want to entertain the idea that those moments with her dad are not what she remembers them to be.

“I’m just chopping,” she says, choosing to focus on the task in hand instead of getting drawn into a conversation. Except Carina won’t stop and Maya feels her temper being tested.

Carina can see the effect of Katherine’s visit on Maya. Except for the briefest of moments earlier in bed, when she had softened under the caress of Carina’s hands, she carries tension all over her body. Carina can see it in the way her shoulders hunch and her lips pinch and her eyes lack their usual shine. Now she is taking it out on the salad they are supposed to be eating for lunch and Carina isn’t sure there is going to be much of it left by the time Maya has finished with it.

If only she could get Maya to open up and tell her what she is thinking and how she is feeling, because Carina won’t accept that she is okay with what her mom said. No matter how much Maya refuses to see it, Carina can – and all she wants is to help Maya understand and accept what happened to her.

“You know my dad has Bipolar one?” she says tentatively, hoping that bringing up her experience with her own family will encourage Maya to do the same. Carina knows that she wasn’t ready to talk about it last week when she tried to broach the subject in her office, but maybe if she tries again, Maya will let her in. It worked the last time, when she was a closed book about the problems she was having with her team.

Maya finally looks up, her eyes glancing at her briefly. “Yeah, you said that.”

Her tone tells Carina that this conversation isn’t going to be easy but she perseveres anyway. “And my sweet baby brother has inherited it.”

Maya immediately calls her out on what she is doing. “Are you talking about you or are you trying to draw some kind of parallel? Because if it’s you, I’m all in. But there is no mental illness in my family.”

Carina can see the walls building up around her, but she isn’t going to walk away from this conversation. It is too important. She didn’t push hard enough with Andrew and he had spent months in turmoil. She won’t let Maya do the same thing.

“With or without mental illness, the human brain is brilliant and it is devious and it walls off what it doesn’t want to know,” Carina tries to explain carefully.

“Got it. So you’re talking about me,” Maya says, the anger surfacing in a tight smile. 

Carina keeps going, looking for just one small sign that her words are breaking through Maya’s walls. “What I’m trying to say, Maya, is your mind is brilliant and maybe you think you’re too smart to be in denial, maybe you think you’re too smart to have been abused.”

It backfires and her words push a button that she didn’t want to touch. Maya reacts angrily, green leaves shooting across the kitchen as she slams the knife down on the table, causing Carina to jump.

“Okay, I’m not interested in talking!”

“I’m just trying to help,” Carina tries to placate her, but the denial is too strong.

“He never hit me!” Maya pushes back with a raised voice.

“That’s not the only way you abuse somebody, Maya,” Carina says, desperation creeping into her voice as she pushes harder to get Maya to open her eyes. “My dad has never hit me either, he has never hit my brother, but that doesn’t mean that we were not abused. Psychological abuse, verbal abuse – they are real.”

Maya’s body language changes and Carina can see her close off completely, knowing that she has lost this battle.

“I don’t want to fight with you,” Maya says, her voice calmer than it had been a moment ago.

“I don’t want to fight either…”

“Then you should go,” Maya says before Carina can find another way to force the conversation. 

“What?” Carina says incredulously. “This is not how you handle a fight.” Carina knows it is a defence mechanism, but she can be just as stubborn and stays in her seat, refusing to leave. “Maya, I…”

Carina wants to tell her that she loves her and will do anything to keep her safe from the memories that are so obviously tormenting her, but she doesn’t want those words to first be spoken in the middle of a fight and she is pretty sure that Maya will reject them anyway, so she opts for a gentler approach.

“I’m here for you, I’m not leaving.”

It is too late, Maya is too angry and there is nothing Carina can do but sit and watch as she storms out of the apartment to work out her frustrations on a run.

Maya’s feet hit the ground hard, each step pounding out the anger and frustration that fills her body. Too smart to be in denial, too smart to have been abused – as if Carina knows her well enough. She might have let her guard down a little, she might have let Carina be there for her when things were rough at work, but Maya won’t let her rewrite her past just because she wants to fit her into a box labelled ‘victim’.

She doesn’t think about where she is going and, after a few circles around the block, her feet instinctively take her to the fire station. Despite the five miles she has just run, her body is still screaming at her and Maya slips inside, nodding to the firefighter on reception and heading straight to the locker room where she keeps a spare gym kit. She changes quickly and makes her way to the station gym, grateful to find it empty.

She picks the heaviest weights she knows she can bear without a spotter, pushing herself to her limit on the barbell before switching to more cardio and pummelling the punch bag. She grunts with each blow, expelling all that she is feeling until she becomes numb, . Next, she picks up a plate and uses it to do weighted squats until her quads are burning, then grabs the jump rope.

It is here that Andy finds her. “Hey – what are you doing here?”

“I went for a run and my body just came here so figured I’d work out,” Maya says in between gasps of air as she carries on skipping. “You?”

“Are there any old files here, like captain’s logs?”

Maya moves to the bench and picks up a dumbbell for her triceps. “I think so, why?” It is a strange question and although she doesn’t really care for getting embroiled in another of Andy’s dramas, she figures that letting Andy talk about whatever is on her mind will distract her from her own thoughts.

“I just need to figure something out,” Andy says dismissively, although Maya can tell from the way she holds her body that she is wound up about something.

“Figure what out?”

“Just who my dad was,” Andy says.

Maya frowns, irked by the statement, as if Andy has any reason to doubt who her father was. “What do you mean, who your dad was?” she questions. “He was our hero, he literally sacrificed his life to save ours.”

Andy steps forwards into the gym and pulls out an old family photo of her with her parents when she was a little girl.

“What am I looking at?”

“My mother looks miserable,” Andy says. She starts pacing up and down. “I’ve always had this idea that my parents had this epic, amazing love story. That they were soulmates, meant to be, but what if they weren’t? What if they were just two messed up people who rushed into marriage and then one of them died?”

A familiar annoyance grows inside of Maya because what is with everyone suddenly trying to cast a dark shadow over their past?

“Andy, do you think maybe it’s possible that you’re projecting your anxiety about your own marriage onto your parents?” Maya snaps at her.

Andy gets riled up. “Why can’t I just say something without someone writing it off as… can I… can I just talk?”

“Okay, what are you talking about?”  

“I’ve been going through my dad’s things and I… I don’t know, I feel like… like maybe I didn’t even know who my dad was,” Andy vents. “Like, what do I actually know about Pruitt Herrera? He was overbearing, he was controlling…”

Maya is transported back to her high school days, when the girls in her track team would tease her about her father’s training regime and strict diet – always with a hint of sympathy in their voices that she didn’t have a choice over what she ate and drank; always questioning why she let her dad control everything she did.

“If he was controlling, it was only because he loved you,” she says, reciting the answer her dad always gave when she asked him why he wouldn’t let her go out for a burger and milkshake with the other girls after training.

“Controlling because he loved you, that sounds like a Lifetime movie about a person who needs to escape,” Andy says.

Maya doesn’t want to get into another fight with some else today but she can’t take this, she can’t listen to another man she loves being trashed by people who are supposed to love them too.

“Andy, you know who your dad was, we all do.”

“Or do we just know the version of him that he wanted us to see?” Andy challenges.

“No. No!” Maya stands up, succumbing to her temper. “You do not get to turn your dad into a bad guy!” she practically yells at her friend. “You won the lottery of dads and now just because he died you are going to tear down his memory because it’s easier than coping with the loss of him? No, I’m not going to stand by and watch you do that! Not to my Captain!”

“Not to your captain?” Andy says incredulously. “Maya, he was my dad!”

“Yeah, and you should count yourself lucky!”

Lucky that he cared about her happiness and not how fast she could run around a track; lucky that he loved her for who she was and not the medals she brought home; lucky that he let her live the life she wanted, to have fun and be a child instead of a protégé that he could mould into the Olympic athlete he could never have been.

With that, Maya storms out of the gym, refusing to listen to any more. She heads to the locker room just as C shift pulls in from their most recent call. She stays in the shower long enough to avoid having to make polite conversation with them. Once the room is empty, she dresses and escapes to her office where she distracts herself with paperwork. There are always reports to catch up on and safety violations to review, and she figures it is better than going home to an empty apartment.

Her phone buzzes in her back pocket, a reminder of the voice message from Carina waiting for her. Maya ignores it. She is pretty good at ignoring what she doesn’t want to hear. Except the message burns a hole in her pocket and it is plaguing her when Jack appears in her doorway.

“Hey. What are you still doing here?” he asks.

“Just catching up on some work,” Maya answers shortly. “You?”

“I don’t know if you heard but, uh, Warren and Avery were held up on the PRT.”

Maya’s head jerks up, immediately going into Captain mode.

“Yeah, Avery got shot.”

“Is he okay?” Maya asks.

“Yeah, yeah, everyone’s just a bit shaken up,” Jack says.

Relieved that everyone is okay, but annoyed by having another report to add to her pile, Maya tries to shut the conversation down. “Thank you for notifying me,” she says tersely, dropping her eyes and shuffling some papers.

If Jack notices her bad mood, he ignores it.

“Have you talked to Andy? I’m worried about her,” Jack says.

Maya rolls her eyes. “What a surprise, the men in Andy’s life are worried about her,” she says bitterly. Truth is, she is still pissed at Andy for trying to sully the memory of her father, of their captain, and Maya feels herself losing her temper with Jack, just as she has with everyone else today. “She’s fine, Jack. She’s grieving her father, let her do that however she needs to.”

Jack steps inside the office, closing the door behind him, and Maya doesn’t like the way it makes her feel closed in.

“She married our Battalion Chief after a few weeks of dating, you don’t think that’s a little bit concerning?”

“I think that Andy is a grown woman who can make her own decisions. She’s made that very clear, Lieutenant,” Maya says, addressing him by his title instead of his name as a way of keeping a barrier between them.

Jack still doesn’t take the hint, leaning against the back of the chair in front of her. Maya feels her body tense, irritated by the way her is invading her space.

“We are Andy’s closest friends, Maya, you and me…”

“And as her friends, we should give her some space,” Maya spits. “Not everyone needs therapy, Jack.”

Jack’s face clouds over with hurt and Maya immediately regrets lashing out at him.

“Wow. Yeah, I told you that in confidence as my captain. And you’re just going to throw it back in my face?”

“Sorry. That wasn’t about you,” Maya apologises. She relents a little. Maybe Jack will understand how annoying it is when people try to project their own thoughts and feelings on you. “Carina keeps trying to get me to admit to something that isn’t true and I’m sick of it. You know, my father…”

“Is a real prick,” Jack interjects, and any easing of the anger Maya has been feeling disappears quickly.

“Hey, you don’t know what you’re talking about,” Maya says angrily. She is fed up of everyone trying to make out that they understand her and her family. “You don’t know me.”

“No, you know I do, and you hate it because anyone who knows the real Maya is a threat,” Jack says.

He looks at her with such confidence in his words. He doesn’t even bother to break down her walls, he just looks right through them, so sure that he knows who she is. She feels her resolve weakening, like one more jibe will cause that firework inside of her to explode, and in that moment she hates him for being the one to push her so close to breaking point. She will do anything to make it stop.

“Get out,” she orders him.

“Right, ‘cause here comes the Maya freeze out,” Jack goads her.

She doesn’t want to hear this, not from Jack, not from anyone. Maya can feel it bubbling just underneath the surface, the truth that her brain keeps closed off because she has never wanted to turn herself into a victim. She side steps the desk and heads to the door, desperate for Jack to get out of her head and out of her office.

“Does Carina know what’s coming yet or are you going to blind side her like you did me?”

This rattles her, because Carina is supposed to be her safe place where she can rest and sleep and love, and how dare he talk about her and their relationship. Except there is a niggling feeling deep inside of Maya that tells her he is right. It is too much to let Carina all the way in, to let her see the darkest parts of her. The parts that were formed under her dad’s overbearing ways. The parts that were shaped by the early morning runs when most kids her age were allowed to sleep in and the endless weekend track meets when her friends were hanging out at the mall, spending their allowances and pouring over the latest copy of Seventeen, leaving her isolated for so much of her teenage years. The parts that are still bruised by the punishments that he convinced her were just a sign of his desire for her to succeed.

She marches to the door and opens it. “Get the hell out of my office.” She wonders if Jack can hear the panic in her voice.

“Way to prove my point. You’re broken, Maya,” Jack says.

She doesn’t need him to say it, Maya already knows it. She remembers standing in this office a few months ago and calling herself broken, back when her relationship with her team was falling apart and she couldn’t figure out a way to fix it. Back when she was leading the team like one of her father’s training sessions: relentless drills with no time to stop and rest, pushing them as hard as she could because she had been taught that tough love was the best way to learn. Back when she was so focused on her career that she had almost sacrificed her friendships, because she believed her dad when he told her that she was strongest when she only had herself to rely on.

She is mad that Jack knows it and she turns on him, letting the venom out before it poisons her from within. “Oh, the foster boy without a daddy is calling me broken.”

“Yeah, well, I’d rather have no daddy than have yours.”

There he goes again, acting like he knows her, acting like he knows her father, and she just wants him to stop but he won’t. She slams the door closed in anger. “Don’t you dare talk about my father ever!”

“Or what?”

“Or I will bury you!”

“Yeah, threats of violence? That checks out.” He keeps pushing and pushing, and he’s in her face exposing her most vulnerable parts. Maya won’t let him, so she does the only thing she knows to do to shut him up.

She kisses him.

Her lips are rough and his unshaven skin grazes her chin, and it’s familiar but so very different from Carina. She hates it, but at least she is in control. For the first time today, she feels in control, preying on his weaknesses as she lets him carry her to the captain’s bunk.

Carina feels her heart sink when the door slams, leaving her alone in Maya’s apartment. She knows it is the brain’s way of trying to protect Maya from the truth, but Carina feels stunned by just how hard Maya had pushed her away. She waits for a moment, hanging on to the hope that Maya will reach the sidewalk downstairs, regret her actions, and come back – but it doesn’t take long for her to realise that Maya is gone.

She thinks about leaving but hates the idea of Maya coming home and finding her gone. Maybe she won’t be out for long, she thinks; maybe she’ll run for an hour or two, then come home and she will let Carina into what she is really thinking and feeling.

Carina’s appetite is gone so she clears up the mess that Maya has left behind in the kitchen, scraping the wilting salad leaves into the trashcan, wiping down the work surfaces and sweeping the floor. The kitchen looks untouched, like they hadn’t been sat here an hour ago, making lunch with the rest of the day ahead of them.

Carina keeps her eyes on the clock on the wall, watching each hour pass by slowly and still there is no sign of Maya. She hates the silence more than anything – not just the silence of the apartment, but the silence from Maya. She tries calling her but all she gets is her voicemail, Maya’s cheerful voice telling her to leave a message. She does the first time, doesn’t bother the next five or six times. 

Carina has never spent time in Maya’s apartment by herself and she feels like an intruder, like she shouldn’t be here. She tries to occupy herself with the television but nothing captures her attention. She curls up on the couch and flicks through the magazines that sit on the coffee table but they hold no interest to her. She thinks about going for a walk to get some fresh air, but she doesn’t have a spare key to get back in, so she is stuck here until Maya gets home.

Leaning back into the soft cushions, her gaze wanders around the room. Carina has sat on this sofa countless times but has never really taken in her surroundings except for the gentle teasing of Maya’s Roma picture that sits above her fireplace, despite her never setting foot in Italy. She has always thought of Maya’s apartment as warm and cosy, but maybe that is more because of the person in it than the objects that decorate it. Those objects are sparse – a small collection of books on the shelves, a few plants, some scented candles that fill the room with hints of vanilla and orange blossom.

Carina stands and walks over to the fireplace, studying the photos that fill the silver frames. There is one of Maya and Andy from their graduation from the fire academy, one of the whole team at what looks to be a night out, another of Maya with some friends Carina has never met. There are no photos of Maya’s family, no sign of her parents or brother – nothing that connects her to her past. It is a part of her life that Carina does not know much about, but then they have both shared so little about their families. Maya knows all about Andrew, of course, but Carina has never told her about what it was like growing up under the shadow of her father’s brilliance or how he could be kind and caring one minute, but cruel the next. Sympathy stirs inside of her. It had not been easy to see Vincenzo DeLuca for who he really is, but once she had, it had given her a sense of freedom from everything that held her back – and she so desperately wants the same for Maya.  

The clock ticks by until the sun sets and darkness falls outside. Carina wanders around the apartment, turning on lamps and a few overhead lights, creating an inviting atmosphere. It doesn’t do anything to soothe her mood, which is slowly turning from worry to frustration. Sometimes she thinks she is a fool to be sat here waiting for Maya to get home, that she cares too much. She thought they both did, after all they have been through together. Yet Maya had not hesitated when she had stormed out in the middle of an argument, whilst Carina is still here, with her phone in her hand and hoping that Maya will call her back.

She knows Maya is in pain, but Carina hates that she won’t let her in, choosing to fight with her instead. She is tired and Carina doesn’t think she has the energy for another fight, too wounded with battle scars after so many arguments with Andrew as she fought to get him to listen to her.

She is just about ready to give up and go home when she hears the front door open. Maya steps inside and Carina offers her a conciliatory wave, still hanging on to the hope that Maya will be ready to open up and talk to her. That optimism fades the moment she sees Maya’s face, still pinched, still angry, still closed off.

“I thought you left.”

Carina tries not to be put off by her accusatory tone, desperate to find some peace between them. “I… I almost did, but then I thought you might need…”

Maya cuts her off. “I don’t need anything except space,” she says curtly, as if she is angry to find Carina still in her apartment.

Carina deflates a little, but keeps trying. “I can see that you’re pushing me away and I wanna give you space,” she tries to appease her, to no avail.

“So give me space,” Maya fires back.

Maya takes a few steps towards her, closing the gap between them, yet Carina feels like she is getting further and further away from her. It aggravates her. She is just trying to help but no-one will ever let her help.

“I understand that you’re going through a lot and I am trying not to be mad at you…”

“Well, I just slept with Jack an hour ago, so be mad at that.”

Carina stares helplessly as Maya stalks forwards and disappears into her bedroom, slamming the door behind her. Carina thinks for a moment that she misheard her, but reality quickly hits her and she gasps for air, Maya’s callous words winding her. Her head drops and her hand shakes as she raises it to her forehead to mask the tears that start to fall.

She doesn’t understand it. A few hours ago, Maya was “all in” and moments later she was falling into bed with someone else, without giving Carina another thought. Does Maya really think so little of her? Of their relationship? Carina has put everything she has into their relationship and, in one blow, Maya has thrown it all back in her face, like the last few months mean nothing to her.

She sits, frozen to her spot on the stool at the end of the corridor. She wants to leave but her legs are like lead and if she moves she might be sick. She looks at the closed bedroom door, a single piece of wood that hides the woman she both loves and hates most in the world right now. There is a part of Carina that wants to storm inside and yell at her, but the moment she hears movement on the other side of the door, her stomach churns with dread. Another argument will not achieve anything, the damage has been done – and Carina doesn’t think it can ever be undone, not after this. She has never known such cruelty, the spite with which Maya told her was like she wanted to break her heart. Well, it worked – her heart is well and truly shattered.

She musters all the strength she can to stand up, dragging her feet against the rug as she makes her way to the front door, picking up her bag as she passes it and slinging it over her shoulder. The bedroom door opens just as she pulls the front door towards her and as much as her head tells her to walk out, her heart encourages her to wait for an apology that never comes. Maya stares at her, all warmth gone from her eyes, the walls built up around her so tall that Carina barely recognises her. Maybe she never really knew her at all.

“Just tell me why you did it,” she says before she has time to process what and why she is asking.

She waits, but Maya doesn’t speak and it is only then that Carina spies a hint of regret in Maya’s face. It is not enough though, the betrayal too big, the heartbreak too deep; and there is an odd peace that comes with the realisation that this continual fight is over.  

Chapter Text

Carina wakes as the sun begins to light her bedroom, creeping in through the gap in the curtains where she forgot to draw them together last night. Her eyelids are heavy and her head is fuzzy after a disturbed night’s sleep, and she squints as she tries to read the time on her cellphone. It is a little after six o’clock and she isn’t used to being up this early unless Maya disturbs her as she slips out of bed for an early morning run.

Just the passing thought of her girlfriend – ex- girlfriend – makes Carina’s stomach churn and the words that have haunted her all night flash across her mind once again.

“Well, I just slept with Jack an hour ago, so be mad at that!”

She can still hear the spite in Maya’s voice and she wonders what she did to make Maya so angry with her that she would hurt her so intently.

Carina rolls onto her back and stares at the ceiling. Her head is jumbled with thoughts and feelings that she can’t make sense of, still overwhelmed by the shock and anger that lingers from the night before. She wishes Andrew was here to listen to her pour them all out, but he still has another week at the residential facility. She thinks about calling one of her cousins, Giorgia perhaps, or Maria, but Italy has just gone into a lockdown because of a pandemic that is threatening to take over the world. Amelia is at the top of her contacts list, but she only went home from the hospital a couple of days ago and is settling into her new life as a mom. Everyone she thinks of has something else going on in their lives and they don’t need to be bothered with stories of Carina’s disastrous love life.

Loneliness creeps in and Carina feels melancholy for home, for the family and community she left behind years ago. Her heart aches to be back in the bustle of DeLuca family life – lunches on a long table set up in the garden to accommodate her aunts and uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews; open air folk festivals celebrating local artists; making her Nonna’s Pane Toscano on a Sunday morning as she is regaled with all of the family gossip. She knows it is her mind playing tricks on her, that every trip back to Italy since she left has only served to remind her that it doesn’t feel like home any more, but right now it is the only place she wants to be.

Tears prick her eyes and she wipes them away. Maya doesn’t deserve her tears, she tells herself. She cried enough last night and Carina doesn’t want to turn up to work later with red eyes and puffy cheeks. She doesn’t want anyone asking questions.

She closes her eyes, willing sleep to come so that she can escape her feelings for a little longer, but the sunlight is beaming onto her face and she grunts in annoyance. She pushes the sheets to one side and slips her legs out of bed, sitting up and stretching, feeling her muscles ‘pop’. She makes her way downstairs, her bed socks slipping along the smooth wooden floors. Her townhouse feels too big and too empty, reminding her of the regret she has that she bought it on a whim. It is a beautiful house, but she wishes she had picked something smaller.

Feeling a headache coming, Carina heads straight for the coffee machine and makes a double espresso, figuring she is going to need the extra shot of caffeine to get her through the day.

She showers and gets ready for work, her make-up and styled hair painting a very different picture on the outside from the way she is feeling on the inside. Her cell phone pings just as she is leaving the house and she wonders for a moment if it is Maya with a heartfelt apology – only it is just a reminder of the monthly department meeting at nine o’clock. She feels relieved, the last thing she wants is to listen to Maya’s excuses; but it also hurts that Maya hasn’t even said sorry for what she had done or how she treated her. Not that her apology would be accepted, the hurt too overwhelming for Carina to feel anything but anger towards her.

She acts on auto-pilot, participating in the department meeting when she is called on and making small talk with her colleagues in the corridors, but otherwise keeping to herself. She spends as much time in her office as she can, burying herself in charts. Over lunch, she flicks through the stack of unread medical journals that have piled up and thinks that now might be the time to start a new research project, something that will fill her time now that so much of it is free again.

By the end of the day, she walks wearily out to her car and drives home in silence, not even bothering with the radio. She spends a lonely evening at home, some terrible Hallmark movie on the television that plays in the background to fill her big, empty house. She tries calling her cousin, Maria, but her Uncle Eduardo has a cough and a slight fever, which isn’t unusual for this time of year, but the family are worried that he has the virus that is rapidly spreading through Italy and no-one has time to listen to her.

Carina has been through break-ups before but none have hurt like this. But then none of her relationships have been like this one, either. Maya was different; from the moment she met her, Carina had been taken with her and it hadn’t surprised her when she had fallen in love. She didn’t care how closed off Maya could be, Carina loved to watch her slowly open up. She didn’t care how ‘broken’ Maya thought she was, she was also warm and loyal and caring. At least, Carina thought she was.

Last night had shattered that illusion and Carina’s heart feels broken into tiny pieces because of the fourteen words Maya had uttered last night. She goes to bed early, crying herself to sleep again, the tears falling down her cheeks and soaking into the pillow.

The next day, she wakes up finding herself trying to rationalise what Maya did – that it was a reaction to her mother’s visit, that she was struggling to let go of her denial and accept the truth about her father’s abuse, that it was another attempt to push Carina away instead of letting her in. Except if any of that was true, Maya would have called her or come to the hospital, trying to explain and begging for forgiveness.

Every time Carina checks her cell phone, there is nothing – just more silence; and Carina finds that she hates the silence just as much as the cheating, because it tells her that Maya doesn’t care about how much she is hurting.

Carina throws herself into work and falls into a routine of work and home for a couple of days, on repeat. No messages from Maya, no-one close by to notice that she is not okay. The solitude is getting to her and, god, she misses her brother. She wonders what Andrew would say if he was here. He has always been a romantic at heart and she thinks he would probably encourage her to talk to Maya, to see if their broken relationship was capable of being fixed. Except he isn’t here to tell her that and all Carina can think is that there is nothing Maya can say or do to fix what she has done.

By Thursday, Carina wakes up with a renewed energy, determined that she won’t let this break-up destroy her. She has had enough of moping. If she makes herself think that she is moving on, then perhaps her heart will follow.

She decides to eat lunch at the hospital cafeteria, hoping that her mood will be bolstered by some company. She spots Maggie sitting alone and slips into a seat on the opposite side of the table. Maggie is glued to her cell phone, her eyes fixated on whatever it is she is reading.

“How is Doctor Webber?” Carina asks, making her presence known and genuinely interested to know he is after his hip replacement surgery.

Maggie slowly tears her eyes away from the screen. “Oh – he’s doing good. The physio is pleased with his progress. He’s happy to be home, but desperate to come back to work, of course,” Maggie says, with a small roll of her eyes.

Her eyes settle on Carina and she notices the dark circles under her eyes, which she wrongly assumes is because of her brother. “How’s Andrew doing?”

“He’s doing well,” Carina says. “He’s coming home next week.” She doesn’t say any more, aware that it is up to Andrew to share as much or as little of his journey as he wants. Instead, she changes the subject. “What are you reading? You looked engrossed.”

“It’s a Covid-19 update. This pandemic is getting scary quickly,” Maggie answers. Suddenly realising who she is talking to her, her expression changes to an even more sombre one. “How is your family doing back in Italy?”

“My uncle is sick, but so far only mild symptoms,” Carina answers, relaying what her cousin had told her yesterday in a text message. “Everyone else is okay, they’re all in lockdown. They can’t leave their homes unless it’s to get food or medicine. Shops and cafés and schools are closed, only essential services are running. My aunt and uncle have had to close their restaurant. My Papa is still working, he says the hospitals are getting busier with coronavirus cases and we should get ready for it here.”

Maggie nods sympathetically. “Meredith said the Board was meeting this morning to discuss it,” she says.

Carina feels relief that the Board is taking it seriously. She knows of some doctors who think it won’t be so bad or that it will pass them by, but everything she has read tells her that it will hit them soon – and badly.

Maggie spies Miranda walking nearby with a tray in her hand. “Bailey!” she calls the Chief over, inviting her to join them.

Miranda makes her way over to their table and takes a seat in between them. “What’s up?” she asks, as she peels open her salad bowl.

Maggie launches into a dozen questions about the pandemic, which Bailey answers patiently. Yes, they are taking preparatory measures and Bailey has already been on the phone with their PPE suppliers to order more masks and gloves. She has started a stock count of the hospital’s ventilators. Bailey assures them that she will be co-ordinating with Pac North and Seattle Presbyterian to make sure each hospital has the equipment and protective gear that they need. They have been following and will continue to follow CDC guidelines.

“What are Bishop’s plans?” Bailey asks suddenly.

Carina feels her face flush. Clearly their break-up hasn’t reached Bailey’s ears and she wonders if that means that Maya hasn’t told the team, since she is certain Ben would have told his wife if he knew.

“Hmm?”

“At the station. Has she said anything?”

“Uh, no,” Carina says. She doesn’t like the idea of keeping Bailey in the dark, so she takes a deep breath as she prepares to rip off the band aid. “We broke up.”

“Oh,” Bailey says, embarrassed by her slip up. She drops her fork into her salad bowl and curls her fingers. “Carina, I’m sorry. Ben never said.”

Carina notices a shared look between Bailey and Maggie, conscious of the uncomfortable atmosphere she has just created around the table. Bailey opens her mouth and Carina gets the feeling she is about to ask her about it, and she doesn’t want to be the subject of hospital gossip.

“It’s okay,” she says quickly, trying to shrug it off. “It just… didn’t work out.” She paints a smile on her face, despite the aching in her heart. The awkward silence is broken by her pager alerting her to an emergency in the pit. “That’s me. I have to get back to work.”

She scurries off, leaving a half-eaten sandwich on her plate. She is soon transporting a mama-to-be of thirty weeks to the labour ward, glad that she has a case that will keep her busy for the rest of the day. She can’t stop the contractions, so she plies the mama with steroids and, when the baby is born early, Doctor Hayes whips him away to the peds unit. A perineal tear threatens to cause complications, but Carina gets it under control quickly. Once she stitches up the mama and makes her comfortable, she heads to the hospital chapel. It is something she does for every premature baby born, lowering her head and saying a prayer that the baby boy stays strong.

She leaves work a little later than normal and it is already dark outside when she steps into the cool night air. She pauses for a moment to take a deep inhale of fresh air and, as she does, she hears her name being called.

“Carina!”

She turns and sees Maggie sitting on a bench, looking at her with the sympathetic eyes that Carina had been hoping to avoid. She points absently over her shoulder and into the dark sky.

“I’m just on my way home.”

Maggie stands and walks over to her. It’s a little awkward, they don’t know each other that well and yet somehow Maggie is one of only two people at the hospital who knows she is nursing a broken heart.

“If Amelia was here, you know she’d be insisting that you come home with us,” Maggie says kindly.

She knows how indebted Amelia feels to Carina – not only for being the one to diagnose her brain tumour, but also getting her through her pregnancy and stopping her from catastrophising for the last nine months. Amelia would be the first one knocking at the door if she knew she could repay just a little bit of that debt by being there for Carina when she needs a shoulder to cry on. Maggie doesn’t know much about Carina’s relationship with Maya, except what Bailey had told her earlier – that Maya was Ben’s boss and they’d been dating a couple of months – but she can recognise a broken heart when she sees one.  

“I’m fine,” Carina says, but her bravado isn’t convincing.

“Okay. But if you’re not…” Maggie says pointedly, “…you know you’re always welcome round the house, right? I mean, it’s chaos. Three kids and now a baby, the floor’s never tidy, you’ll probably step on Lego at some point, and someone’s always yelling about something. But we have the local pizza place on speed dial and there’s always a bottle of wine somewhere.” She shifts her bag up her shoulder. “We’ve all been through our fair share of heart breaks. We’ll listen if you want to talk about it – or not, if you don’t.”

Tears pool in the corners of Carina’s eyes, touched by the act of kindness being shown towards her, and she blinks them away. Suddenly the thought of being surrounded by people and chaos is a welcome one. She nods, her lips curling into a small smile.

“I could eat pizza.”

Maggie returns her smile. “Great. There might even be a dirty diaper that needs changing.”

They travel in separate cars and, when they get to the house, Carina follows Maggie inside. She has been here a couple of times but only to see Andrew. It feels strange to be here without him and she pushes aside how much she misses him. As she steps inside, Carina takes in the scene before her – toys and Lego pieces scattered across the floor, couch cushions haphazardly thrown into place, dirty cups leaving stains on the furniture.

“I told you it was chaos,” Maggie says, shooting her a rueful smile before calling out. “Hello? Amelia?”

Amelia appears from around one corner, the baby asleep in her arms. “Oh, thank God you’re home,” she says, her face lighting up when she sees Carina standing by the door. “Hey!”

“Hey,” Carina says, a little awkwardly. She feels out of place and tells herself that this was a silly idea, that she is just in the way. She turns to Maggie. “You know, maybe I should go…”

“Don’t be stupid,” Maggie objects. She ushers Carina inside, then turns back to Amelia. “Where’s Link?”

“Putting Ellis and Bailey to bed,” Amelia answers. “No Meredith?”

“Stuck in surgery,” Maggie says, kicking off her shoes and hanging her coat. Carina is still stood to one side and Maggie practically pushes her into the house. “Carina is in need of some company tonight.”

Amelia picks up on Maggie’s tone and looks at Carina with concern. “Andrew?”

Carina shakes her head. “No – no, he’s fine.”

Amelia takes a second guess. “Girl trouble?”

The way Carina’s face falls tells her she is right. Amelia has only met Maya once and very briefly as she was picking up take out from an Italian diner a few blocks away from the hospital where Carina and Maya were having dinner. It had been obvious in those few minutes how enamoured Carina was with her. Amelia had spent the next week teasing Carina about her hot firefighter girlfriend, if a little disappointed that the chance of that ménage à trois had well and truly gone.

She reaches out and tugs at Carina’s elbow, guiding her further into the house. “Well, you’ve come to the right place,” she says. She looks at Maggie. “Pizza and wine?”

Maggie nods. “Come on, the kitchen will be more comfortable.”

Carina follows them obediently into the kitchen, where she is immediately instructed to sit at the table. Within minutes, Maggie places a large glass of merlot in front of her, while Amelia places a sleeping baby into her arms.

“Please,” Amelia begs. “He hasn’t settled all day unless someone has been holding him and I’m desperate to pee.”

Carina can’t help but laugh as Amelia rushes out of the room, yelling to Maggie to order her a vegetarian pizza. She looks down at the newborn baby and smiles as he gurgles happily against her chest.

“He’s cute, right?” Maggie says, sitting across from her at the table and taking a gulp from her own glass of wine. “I mean, with parents like Amelia and Link, of course he’s gonna be cute.”

“He really is,” Carina coos. He has long eyelashes and a full head of dark hair that he gets from his mom, but his mouth is all Link’s. She slips her thumb in his hand and watches as his tiny fingers grip it loosely. All day, she has felt her body wound tightly like a coil that has been threatening to unravel, but with the baby in her arms she has no choice but to stay calm.

As Maggie calls to order their pizzas, the baby starts to fuss, so Carina stands up and walks him around the kitchen, the gentle movement sending him back into a slumber until she feels it is safe enough to place him in the small crib in one corner of the kitchen.

“You’re a natural,” Maggie observes as she hangs up the phone.

Carina smiles. “I was the oldest of ten cousins, I’ve done plenty of babysitting.”

There is a loud bang upstairs and the baby stirs a little. Carina places her hand gently on his chest, nursing him back to sleep, while Maggie winces as she waits for one of the kids to start crying.

“Don’t worry,” Amelia assures her as she appears in the kitchen. “Link’s reading Ellis a book about the circus, so of course Ellis has decided he wants to be an acrobat.”

“That’s not gonna end well,” Maggie comments.

Amelia stops in her tracks as she watches Carina sit back down at the table and lift her wine glass, her arms empty of the baby that she was holding when Amelia had left the kitchen a few moments ago.

“Where’s the baby?”

“He’s asleep,” Carina says, nodding her head towards the crib.

Amelia narrows her eyes. “Okay, how did you do that? Are you a baby whisperer or something?”

Carina laughs as Amelia huffs at her, feigning annoyance.

“Pizza’s twenty minutes out,” Maggie says.

Amelia nods as she grabs a glass of water and sits at the head of the table between them.

“Okay, spill,” she says to Carina. “What happened with Maya?”

Carina’s shoulders sag. “We got into a fight. She’s going through some stuff…” Carina starts to explain, trying to navigate how much to share. “…I was just trying to help her, to get her talk about how she was feeling. Except she pushed me away and walked out. Literally, she walked out of the apartment.” She feels the frustration building up again, letting out a disgruntled sigh. ”I spent the whole day waiting for her and it turns out she was sleeping with her ex-boyfriend.”

“Shit,” Amelia says, reaching out and covering one of Carina’s hands with her own, squeezing it gently. “Carina… wow, I’m sorry. I know you really liked her.”

Carina lets out a small, sad laugh. “Yeah.”

“Has she said why she did it?” Maggie asks. She has only come across Maya a couple of times – the first time when they were rescuing a young boy from the sewers, and again when Chief Ripley died. They have never had a conversation and Maggie doesn’t know her at all, but she has a feeling from the little that Carina has said that something had triggered Maya to act out.

Carina shakes her head. “She hasn’t said anything at all. I haven’t heard from her all week.”

She feels another stab of hurt in her chest, as Amelia and Maggie share a look of disbelief.

“Do you think she’s still sleeping with him?” Amelia asks.

The question makes Carina’s body shudder. It is a thought that has been knocking at the door over the last few days, but she has refused to entertain it. Knowing it had happened once was hard enough, to think that it might have happened again was unbearable.

“Amelia!” Maggie scolds her, her body shifting, giving away that she has just kicked Amelia’s ankle under the table. Amelia merely shrugs, never afraid to ask the hard questions.

“I don’t know,” Carina says. “I can’t get my head around it. I keep telling myself that I shouldn’t care, but I do. I trusted her. I… I loved her. I thought maybe she felt the same – and then she did this.”

“It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you,” Maggie says.

Carina scoffs. “You don’t do that to someone you love.”

“People make mistakes,” Maggie says. “It doesn’t mean she set out to hurt you.”

Carina so desperately wants to believe it and is annoyed with herself for holding on to the smallest hope that Maya really is sorry for what she had done and that she wants to make amends – but her silence tells a different story.

“You didn’t hear her,” Carina says. “She was so cruel. She just threw it in my face, like she didn’t care how much it was going to hurt me. Like she wanted to hurt me.”

Amelia twists her lips thoughtfully. “Why do you think she did it?” she asks. “You said she was going through some stuff?”

Carina shifts awkwardly in her seat. Despite everything, she isn’t prepared to break Maya’s confidence about what had happened with her dad.

“You don’t have to tell us what the fight was about,” Amelia says, noticing Carina’s body language. “But maybe her head was messed up, maybe it was a coping mechanism for whatever it is you were fighting about?”

“You sound like you’re making excuses for her,” Carina mutters.

“I’m not,” Amelia says. “But sometimes… sometimes it’s easier to hit the self-destruct button than it is to deal with your feelings. It’s why I started to drink and get high when I was a teenager, because I just wanted to escape the pain I carried around from watching my dad get murdered. And so many times after that, when I relapsed, it was because I was trying to escape something else.”

Maggie fills Carina’s almost-empty glass with more wine, then sits back, letting Amelia lead the conversation.  

“It’s not the same,” Carina says. “You have an addiction. Maya…”

“…is scared. And hurting. And maybe she isn’t ready to confront whatever it is that’s causing that pain.”

“So destroying our relationship was better than dealing with what’s going on in her life?” Carina questions, struggling to be as sympathetic as Amelia.

“Maybe,” Amelia says. “Maybe that’s how it felt for her in the moment. Look, I’m not saying that what she did was okay. I’m on your side, Carina, we both are.” She looks at Maggie, bringing her back into the conversation. “But Maggie’s right. People do stupid things sometimes. They say hurtful things that come from a place of fear or sadness. And you have every right to be angry and upset and hurt, of course you do. But it’s also in you to forgive her, if you want to.”

Carina doesn’t say anything, letting Amelia’s words settle between them.

“Do you want to forgive her?” Maggie asks tentatively.

“I don’t know,” Carina says. “I don’t know if I can. It hurts too much. I don’t know if we can ever get back what we had.” Tears pool in her eyes again and she doesn’t bother to wipe them away this time.

“It hurts now,” Amelia says. “It might not feel like that forever.”

“Yeah well, she has to be sorry about it first,” Carina says bitterly. 

The doorbell rings and Link calls out that he’ll get it, as Carina leans back in her chair and swirls the wine around her glass, thinking about what Amelia had said. The idea of forgiveness did not come easy to her.

Link comes bowling into the kitchen and throws two pizza boxes onto the table, before settling down in the seat next to Maggie.

“So, what are we talking about?” he asks, as she opens the top box and helps himself to a slice of pepperoni pizza.

Carina’s lips twist in amusement as Amelia shoots him an incredulous look.

“What are you doing?”

Link frowns with confusion, looking from Amelia to Carina to Maggie, then back to Amelia. “Eating pizza?” he says slowly.

“No,” Amelia says, with a solemn shake of her head. “This?” she gestures around the kitchen, “… is a girls only zone.”

Link stops mid-chew and looks around the room. “The baby’s here and he’s a boy.”

“The baby doesn’t count,” Amelia says.

“The baby needs a name,” Maggie interjects.

“No boys allowed,” Amelia says, ignoring her. “Besides, Link doesn’t want hear all about the guy Maggie hooked up with at the medical conference in LA, does he?”

“Amelia!” Maggie cries.

Link takes the hint, knowing when his company is not wanted. “No, he doesn’t,” he agrees, grabbing three slices of pizza and making a quick exit.

Amelia looks at Maggie and grins. “What? Your face lights up every time he texts you. Carina’s nursing a broken heart, I’ve just pushed a six pound baby out of my…”

“Don’t!” Maggie says.

“… so come on, let’s hear it. And then you’re going to have to fill me in on what’s going on with Owen and Teddy.”

Maggie holds up one of the pizza boxes and Carina helps herself to a slice, sitting back and listening to the two sisters spar as Amelia interrogates Maggie about her conference hook up. There is something about the way Maggie’s eyes shine when she talks about this Winston guy that reminds Carina of the way she used to feel about Maya, before the fight and the cheating, and she longs to feel that way again, no matter how mad she feels at the same time.

The evening passes quickly. There is no more talk about Maya, and Carina is grateful for that, enjoying the distraction from the dull ache in her heart that she just can’t shake. She drinks almost a bottle of wine and has to abandon her car outside the house, declining the offer of the couch and calling a taxicab to get her home.

She wakes the next morning with a headache, cursing as her alarm wakes her up at seven o’clock for a full day of work. After picking up her car, she takes a diversion to stop at her favourite coffee shop on Jeremy Street on her way to the hospital, and washes down two Tylenol with her americano.

Once she is settled at her desk, she reaches into the cupboard behind her to grab a journal to read up on the latest developments in IVF in anticipation for an appointment with a patient later that day. As she does, she feels something odd underneath her fingers and pulls it out. Her heart sinks when she realises that it is the firefighter calendar that Maya brought her last week. Her fingers play with the edge of the calendar, toying with the idea of flicking through it to Maya’s page. She knows it will just make her feel sad again, but she does it anyway, looking down at the soft features that smile back at her. Her heart aches again and she shoves it back into the cupboard, closing the door, shutting away the calendar and her feelings.

By early afternoon, Carina feels herself tiring and she goes in search of coffee. The cafeteria coffee isn’t worthy of the name, but the coffee cart outside makes a decent cup, and Carina figures that the fresh air will do her good.

She spots Teddy on her way out, leaning against a nurses’ station and looking glum. Owen is across the other side of the room, barking orders at the interns over a car pile-up victim. Carina thinks about the conversation last night. No-one had thought much of the wedding being cancelled because of a last minute emergency surgery, but it hadn’t gone unnoticed that Owen and Teddy were walking on eggshells around each other but no-one knew why.

“Teddy?”

Teddy looks up from the chart she is reading, her eyes a little vacant.

“I’m heading out to get some coffee. Do you want to join me?” Carina asks. “I was just reading an article on heart complications following childbirth and I have an idea about something, if you have time to talk?”

She is still looking for a new research project and an article on obstetric cardiology in the journal she was reading had sprung an idea.

Teddy looks relieved at the excuse to get out of there and nods, smiling gratefully. “Sure.” She falls into step beside Carina as they walk out of the hospital.

“So, I’m thinking of running a campaign about preventative medicine,” Carina says. “I’ve seen three patients in the last six months who have all suffered from peripartum cardiomyopathy, which is way above average. We don’t routinely do echocardiograms because it’s not covered by insurance unless we’ve already detected it on a physical exam.”

Teddy visibly relaxes as they get into a conversation, enthusiastic about Carina’s idea, and they share patient stories as they get into line at the coffee cart.

“Do you think we could persuade Doctor Bailey to run a pro bono campaign?” Carina wonders out loud.

Teddy looks unconvinced. “I doubt it. Plus, I think the Board has other things on their mind with the pandemic. Owen…” She was about to say that Owen had been talking about it recently, but trails off as she speaks his name out loud. Carina can’t help but wonder why.

“I guess,” she says, choosing not to ask about Teddy’s personal life.

They shuffle forwards in the queue. “You know, I had to do a mitral valve surgery on a nineteen year old a couple of years ago,” Teddy says. “She’d had two babies by the time her OB diagnosed the murmur.”

Teddy starts to tell her about the argument she’d had with her patient’s obstetrician and Carina listens intently, until a flash of something familiar catches the corner of her eye. She doesn’t have time to process it before a voice calls out, grabbing her attention immediately.

“Carina.”

Chapter Text

Maya is wide awake when her alarm starts to ring at six a.m. She must have barely had two hours sleep, her body too wired and her head too full of thoughts to relax enough to let exhaustion win. She rolls over and grabs her phone, hitting the red button and letting it drop onto the blankets without bothering to check for messages. She doesn’t jump out of bed like she normally does, but lies there staring at the ceiling – as if she hasn’t been doing that all night, replaying yesterday’s events over and over again in her head.

Her fight with Carina.

Her fight with Andy.

Her fight with Jack.

The sex with Jack. The betrayal. The look on Carina’s face when she told her.

She wishes she had stayed at the apartment instead of going for a run, but Carina kept pushing and Maya couldn’t listen to it any more. She wishes she had never stepped foot inside the station. She wishes Jack had left her office when she asked him to get out. She wishes… there is so much that Maya wishes but she knows it is a pointless feat.

She didn’t mean for it to happen. She didn’t go looking for it, she didn’t want it. She had felt herself unravelling and Jack just wouldn’t shut up and she had to make him stop, she had to take back control of the situation that was spiraling away from her. It is the most stupid and selfish thing Maya has ever done and she wishes she could take it back, but she can’t.

She feels raw, like everyone has peeled back her layers and exposed her for who she really is. The High School track star who used to run for fun until her father took over coaching and it became about keeping him happy. The Olympian chasing her father’s dreams instead of her own. The girl whose worth was measured by the number of gold medals hanging in her bedroom.

She has lived her life by the mantras that her father instilled in her during her teenage years. Always be the best; first place is the only prize worth winning. Don’t let anyone distract you from the goal.

Embrace the pain. Eyes forward at all times.

They are the building blocks of her life and she feels like someone has come along with a hammer and knocked those blocks down. She is falling and there is no-one there to catch her. Not Carina; not even the clouds to keep her safe.

Blinking back tears, Maya grabs the spare pillow on her bed and smothers her face, screaming into it, desperate to let out every ounce of frustration in her body. The release she gets from it is quickly replaced with memories of her ex-girlfriend as she takes a deep breath and inhales the scent of Carina’s shampoo that still lingers on the pillowcase. Her senses are flooded with memories that she can’t bear and she flings the pillow to one side, not caring when it falls to the floor.

With a heavy sigh, Maya rolls onto her side and swings her legs off the bed, pushing herself upright. She reaches her hands above her chest and stretches, the cotton fabric of her t-shirt lifting up and exposing her abs. The cold morning air causes her muscles to ripple, small goosebumps forming. She rolls her neck before standing up and wandering to the bathroom.

She takes a long, hot shower. She had scrubbed every inch of her body last night, washing off every memory of her tryst with Jack until she felt clean – on the outside, at least. She takes her time this morning, letting the water relax her tense muscles.

She dresses and makes her usual protein shake for breakfast, then jumps in her car, skipping her run to work. She doesn’t have the energy after yesterday’s run and workout, and she knows she can always make use of the station gym again if her body craves more exercise. 

When eight o’clock rolls around, Maya sets the team to work on their chores, before hiding away in her office to catch up on B shift’s call out reports. It is a slow morning and no-one bothers her, and she wonders if they can tell that she isn’t in the mood for chatter today.

She tries to concentrate but it is hard, her mind wanders to Carina constantly. She wonders what Carina is thinking, how she is feeling, if there is any part of her that might forgive Maya’s betrayal. Except now Carina has seen her most broken parts and Maya knows she will never be able to earn her forgiveness, so what is the point of even trying?

Just after eleven o’clock, her cellphone rings. Maya’s first thought is whether it is Carina calling her, even it is just to yell at her, and her heart sinks when she sees the home screen light up with ‘Dad’. She lets it ring out and waits to see if he leaves a voicemail. She knows why he is calling and she can’t handle him today.

As much as she didn’t want to hear her mom’s accusations of abuse, she really doesn’t want to hear her dad’s excuses. Because he always has an excuse, he always has a reason for why he treats her the way he does and she is tired of it. She grew up wanting nothing more than his approval, because his approval meant love. This morning she had woken up, her relationship in tatters, and had realised that she didn’t need approval to be loved. She had Carina’s love without condition and she had ruined it by cheating and then throwing it in Carina’s face.

Her dad doesn’t leave a message and she is grateful for that, at least. She turns attention back to work and tries to get through the pile of reports that need to be signed off. The aid car gets called out a couple of times, but there are no fires and the morning passes slowly. She can hear the jokes and laughter of her team floating through the door from the barn and into the reception area outside her office, and she is envious of how lighthearted they are when her heart is so heavy.

Jack knocks on her door at lunch time.

“Are you joining us for lunch?” he asks tentatively, clearly not sure of what kind of welcome he’s going to get.

“No thanks,” Maya says curtly, keeping her eyes down. She is no mood to get into a conversation with him.

He is ignorant to her mood – again – and steps inside, keeping close to the door.

“Look, about yesterday…” he starts, but Maya cuts him off quickly.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she says. “It shouldn’t have happened.” She lifts her head and looks him square in the eyes. “It won’t happen again.”

“No, no, I know,” Jack says. “And I won’t say anything. To anyone. Especially not Carina.”

If only she had shown the same sensitivity last night, Maya thinks to herself.

“Carina knows.”

Jack’s thick eyebrows shoot upwards in surprise. “She does?”

Maya nods shortly.

“And you two are…?”

“Over,” Maya says, looking away so that he can’t see the pain in her eyes. “We’re over.”

She says it with an accusatory tone which she knows is unjustified because the only person she has to blame for getting into this mess is herself, but she doesn’t care because she just wants him gone. It works, too, and he backs off, disappearing up to the beanery and leaving her alone.

She skips lunch, in no mood to make conversation. Just saying the words out loud that her relationship with Carina is over leaves her feeling despondent and she so desperately wants to shake it off. Maybe this is what heartbreak feels like, she realises. It is unfamiliar to her and it knocks her off balance.

A call to a factory fire mid-afternoon distracts her from her thoughts. Her team make quick work of evacuating all of the employees, but the fire ravages the building and it takes all of her focus and attention to stop it from collapsing. It is hours before they arrive back at the station, tired and hungry. Maya’s stomach growls and she steels herself to join the team for dinner, glad that everyone is too exhausted to engage in much conversation. They all crash out afterwards, except for Maya whose body fights sleep. She has been better lately at sleeping at work, letting herself relax even though her head tells her to stay awake and alert and focused at all times. There were some nights when Carina would sneak through the front door when no-one was looking and curl up in the captain’s bunk with her, and Maya would find peace in the other woman’s arms. She craves that feeling again.

The engine is called out to a house fire at three a.m. and Maya jumps on the call, even though she doesn’t need to, just to do something other than be kept awake by her guilt.

She crashes out when she gets home. She knows it is going to screw up her body clock but she doesn’t care. It’s not like she has anything to do today anyway. Time that would usually be spent with Carina is now free time again. Maya used to love that, but now she hates the silence. She misses Carina’s laugh and her insane stories about work and the smell of her rich Italian food filling her kitchen.

Maya’s fingers graze over her cellphone every now and again, and she thinks about calling Carina, but each time she convinces herself that she is only setting herself up for more heartbreak. Instead, she wastes the day sleeping and cleaning and running errands, doing everything she can to quell the loneliness that starts to build up inside of her.

Her next shift is busier and Maya misses another call from her dad. She sends him a quick message to placate him but she knows she is going to have to talk to him eventually. Except she doesn’t know what to say to him. All the energy she used to have in defending him and his ways has been drained from her and she feels empty. She has always been her father’s daughter, that’s what everyone used to say, and she doesn’t know who she will be without his guiding presence in her life. All that is left is a person who hurts the only woman she has every truly loved, and she knows she doesn’t want to be that person.

It is a thought that plagues her mind over and over as she evades sleep once more. By the time the morning rolls around, she is exhausted again. Just after seven a.m. she goes in search for coffee and stumbles on the team helping themselves to the breakfast that the B shift have cooked, despite the objections from Finch and his pals. It doesn’t go unnoticed that they fall quiet when she walks into the beanery and Maya sees Ben looking shifty. She figures that word of her break up has got back to him via Bailey and she avoids eye contact, silently hoping that no-one will ask her about it. The smell of crispy bacon makes her stomach rumble and she tucks in herself, knowing that Finch won’t utter a word to her.

Travis is the first one to say something. “Hey Captain?”

Maya looks at him, wary of what he is going to say. “Yeah?”

“Party at Dean’s houseboat tonight,” he announces, looking at her expectantly.

Maya hesitates. She can’t deny that the thought of leaving all of her problems at the bottom of a liquor bottle is appealing.

“Come on, we’re all gonna let off some steam,” Dean says, refusing to take no for an answer.

Maya relents. “I’ll bring the tequila,” she says with a small smile.

Dean grins at her. “Alright!”

Maya spends the day alone again. She heads to bed as soon as she walks through the front door and sleeps until lunch time. When she wakes, she fuels herself with a protein smoothie before going for a five mile run to burn off some of her pent up energy. She wastes away the afternoon in front of the television until evening rolls around. After a quick trip to the liquor store, she arrives at Dean’s house just after eight o’clock.

“Nice of you to join us, Captain,” Dean says with a twinkle in his eye, shuffling back and welcoming Maya inside the houseboat.

Someone immediately shoves a bottle of beer into her hand and she takes a swig. It’s earthy and sharp, and maybe she is used to the delicate bouquet of wine since spending so much time with Carina, but it leaves a bitter taste in her mouth that she isn’t used to these days. She takes another mouthful, figuring she might as well get to used to something different, as she shrugs off her jacket and throws it onto the back of a chair.

Within minutes, Travis grabs her hand.

“Come and dance!” he cajoles her. 

He is already a few drinks ahead of her, his body relaxed and his eyes shining. She feels envious of the happiness that exudes from him and lets him drag her to the middle of the room, where Vic and Emmett are dancing.

“Maya! About damn time!” Vic says, holding up her glass and grinning widely as Maya clinks her bottle against it.

They dance and Maya lets the stress in her body flow out of her. She closes her eyes as she moves, getting lost in the beat of the music, trying to clear her head of everything that has been haunting her.

Her dad. Carina.

She drinks a second beer and a third and a fourth, each drink burying her feelings further down. She ignores the way her heart hurts and allows herself to enjoy the company of her friends. They get silly, jumping and spinning around, and Maya’s cheeks ache from smiling and laughing more than she has in days, ignoring the guilt that weighs down on her.

“I heard you broke up with your hot doctor lover,” Vic says as they dance.

Maya feels a jolt in her chest at the mention of her ex-girlfriend and she remembers just how much she misses her, but she pushes it down again and pretends to shrug it off instead.

“I heard you broke up with yours,” she says in return. At least she’s not alone in nursing a broken heart.

“Yeah,” Vic says. “Yeah, we’re dumb.”

Maya doesn’t need anyone to tell her how stupid she is for destroying her relationship with Carina.

They party until the early hours of the morning until, one by one, they start to pass out. Maya waits until they’re squabbling about bedrooms and space on the couch before she orders an Uber and slips out unnoticed. She’s glad to curl up in her own bed except she is growing tired of sleeping in it by herself. She misses Carina’s body curled up against her, the warmth of her breath on her neck, and the softness of her hand slipping underneath her tank top.

Despite the amount she had to drink, Maya wakes just before nine o’clock the next morning. Her throat is dry and scratchy, her head hurts, and she regrets the tequila. She practically crawls out of bed and gets straight into the shower, letting the hot water wash away the night before.

She makes eggs for breakfast and wolfs them down, her hangover demanding food, quickly followed by a green smoothie because she knows she ought to get something nutritious inside of her. It is her day off and she regrets not making any plans, because she doesn’t know what to do with herself. She settles on the couch and flicks through her phone, smiling at the idiotic photos they took last night, until she scrolls back far enough to the last photo she has of Carina. It was taken a few days before their fight, they had gone out to dinner in downtown Seattle. It was a candid photo, Carina had been leaning against the railing overlooking the water as they had waited for their table to be ready. Maya had volunteered to fetch them drinks from the bar and, on her way back, she had been blown away with how beautiful Carina looked in that moment. She didn’t tell Carina she was taking the photo, she never even showed it to her. It was a secret that Maya carried on her cell phone.

It has been five days since she made the worst mistake of her life and she still doesn’t have the courage to reach out to Carina. She doesn’t know where to begin when it comes to saying sorry for what she had done, doesn’t know how to explain why she did it. So instead tries to convince herself that their relationship was another fling which just happened to last longer than the ones before it. She tries to forget just how much she loves Carina and how hard her heart aches every minute of every damn day.

She is exhausted and she drops her head on the back of the couch, closing her eyes and willing sleep to take her away from real life for a while. It is not long before her phone pings, jerking her awake and alerting her to a five alarm call. Within seconds the Battalion Chief is calling her, telling her there has been an explosion at a nearby hospital. Maya’s mind goes straight to Carina.

“Which hospital?” is her first question. “Sir? Which hospital?”

“Pac North,” Chief Sato answers. “Get your team here as soon as you can, it’s all hands on deck.”

“Yes Sir,” Maya says.

She rushes to the bedroom and pulls on the first pair of shoes she can find, then jumps into her car. It is only a five minute car ride and she pulls in behind Dean’s SUV just as the group from the night before, minus Andy, fall out of it looking worse for wear and just as regretful about how much alcohol they consumed last night.

“Explosion at Pac North,” she says as she gets out of her car. “Get into your gear and let’s go!”

They all jump into action, running to the locker room and pulling on her turnout gear in record time.

“Montgomery, take the aid car with Warren. Gibson, Hughes, Miller, take the ladder truck. I’ll meet you there in the engine.”

They nod at her and rush to the barn, while Maya takes a detour to the front desk to pick up the floor plans of the hospital that the Chief has asked her to bring to the scene. As she rushes through the station, she is surprised by the sight of her dad leaning against the front desk. Her stomach flips at seeing him. He looks solemn as he looks down at his hands, twisting his wedding band around his finger. He hears her coming and looks up, his frown turning into a smile when he sees her.

“Hey,” he says.

Maya slows her pace. “Dad… what are you doing here?”

“Well, I figured I’d stop by and see my daughter the captain in action,” Lane says, watching as Maya collects her papers from the printer. “I’ve been calling you for days.”

Maya knows that tone – he’s mad, he’s just not showing it.

“I’m sorry,” she says on autopilot. “There’s been a lot going on and I have to go.” She backs away and into the barn. “But just hang here until l get back.”

“Sure kiddo,” Lane says, as Maya climbs into the fire engine.

She hates it when he calls her ‘kiddo’. Most people think of it as a term of endearment, but Maya knows it is his way of reminding him of who has the power in their relationship. Father/daughter. Master/servant.

“Hey?” Lane calls out after her. “Go Captain!”

He pumps his fist in the air at her and Maya shoots him a half smile as she closes the door, offering him a small wave as the engine pulls out of the barn and hurtles down the road towards Pac North.

They are greeted by Chief Sato on their arrival.

“I thought the hospital was closed?” Maya questions.

“Mostly,” Sato says. “ER is open, it’s transferring admits. Radiology on the first floor, research wing in the basement.”

“Gas leak?”

“That’s our guess,” Sato says. “Utilities are off…”

He doesn’t get to say any more before another explosion blasts out of the third floor. So much for a gas leak, Maya thinks. Her team don’t hesitate as they rush into the hospital, while Maya stays outside, pouring over the plans with the Chief and his team as they try to work out a pattern to the explosions. There is no way of knowing if and when another explosion might happen, so her team’s orders are simple: get everyone and themselves out of the building as soon as possible.

They are taking their time and Maya becomes impatient. “Gibson, I need all of my team out of that building now,” she demands through the radio.

“Copy Captain,” comes Jack’s reply.

Her momentary relief at hearing from him quickly dissipates when another explosion blasts out the first floor windows.

“What the hell,” Maya mutters, immediately spotting Cutler coming out of the building carrying a firefighter from Station 23 on his shoulders. He is followed by two more carrying an injured firefighter between them. There is no sign of anyone else from 19. “We have two firefighters from 23 with blast injuries,” she says down her radio. “19? 19 do you copy?”

There is an urgency to her voice that she can’t hide. The last few months have been full of so much loss and she can’t lose anyone else.

“Copy,” Jack says. “Explosion above us caused collapse of the hallway outside. Gibson here with Hughes, Miller, Warren, Montgomery and one patient.”

Maya breathes a sigh of relief at hearing from him. “Gibson, do you have egress?”

“Negative,” Jack replies.

“Dammit,” Maya curses. Before she gets chance to liaise with Chief Sato, Dixon turns up.

“Bishop, Sato, report,” he barks.

Maya takes the lead. “Third explosion and fire on the third floor. Weakened structural integrity causing partial collapse. We have two from 23 injured and five currently trapped in the basement research wing. Requesting USAR company to come in…”

“Chief! Chief Dixon! Over here, Sir!” come calls from the crowd.

Chief Dixon is immediately distracted by the attention of the press and saunters away as Maya is mid-sentence.

“Afternoon all, happy to answer any questions you may have,” she hears him address them.

She shakes her head in disbelief and has to bite her tongue in front of Chief Sato to stop herself from saying something she shouldn’t. “What’s USAR’s ETA?” she asks instead.

“He said five minutes out,” Sato answers.

Maya turns her focus back to the task in hand, desperate to get her team to safety.

Within minutes, Gibson is back on the radio. “Bishop, we have a suspicious device...”

He is cut short and silence falls. Maya waits for more but nothing else comes. “Gibson? Gibson?!” she calls for him, but he doesn’t answer.

“This is Pac North IC requesting SPD bomb squad code red response,” Sato demands through his radio.

“And we still have a news chopper and a drone,” Maya says, looking upwards into the sky. “Medivac’s still not cleared to land.”

Out of nowhere, a familiar voice grabs Maya’s attention from behind her.

“There’s my girl…”

Maya turns, immediately on edge when she sees her father in the crowd.

“…being boss!”

He’s smiling but it isn’t the kind of smile that reaches his eyes and Maya knows what that means. She jogs over to him nervously.

“Dad, what are you doing here?” she questions.

“Well, I saw you on the news, I wanted to watch you actually do something.”

His words sting and Maya doesn’t want him there. She has seen him like this before, he is wound up tightly and ready to uncoil – another bomb just waiting to explode.

“Dad, you can’t…”

She wants to tell him that he can’t be here and he should wait for her at the station, or at home, but he cuts her off.

“Don’t dad me. Go do something, Captain! Go!”

Maya shoots him a bemused smile, a discomfort spreading through her body. It is the same discomfort she used to have when she was a teenager, when her dad would watch her chatting to her friends in between laps, knowing that she would get reprimanded once they got home for resting instead of stretching or keeping warm.

Panic flares up inside of her as she walks back to the team and she pushes it down, knowing she needs to concentrate on her work right now with her team in danger. Gibson had said something about a suspicious device before going quiet. 19 are the best, she knows that, but right now they’re trapped in a basement with what might be a third bomb and no way out, and her stomach churns with fear. She knows she can’t let that fear overwhelm her, that it is her job to get them out of there alive.

“Bomb squad are nearly here,” Sato tells her when she rejoins him. If he wonders who the man in the crowd is, he doesn’t ask. “Any more communication from your team?”

Maya shakes her head. “No, nothing.” She pulls her radio towards her mouth. “Gibson? Gibson, do you copy?”

There is no answer and she tries again.

“Gibson?”

All she needs is one word from him and she clenches her jaw in frustration when she doesn’t get a reply.

“Chief Sato?” a voice behind her causes her to turn her head to see a short, stocky man brandishing a Bomb Squad vest.

Sato steps forward. “Officer Turner?”

Turner nods. He is flanked by a number of colleagues, each kitted out in protective gear. They shake hands but don’t bother with pleasantries, knowing that time is critical.

“This is Captain Bishop, Station 19. It’s her team inside.”

“Bring me up to speed,” Turner asks.

“We have 5 firefighters and a civilian trapped in the basement with what we think is a suspicious device,” Maya tells him. “And now we have no communication.”

“They switched off radios to avoid any electrical interference with the detonator,” Turner says. “It’s smart.”

It might be smart but it doesn’t bring Maya any comfort when she can’t communicate with them.

“Our crew is on the move…”

“Hey kiddo!” suddenly her dad is calling for her again. “Kiddo! Come here.” He gestures for her to come closer and he looks pissed. Maya’s heart sinks, but she scurries over to him obediently.

“Hey dad, you should probably wait for me at home,” she says, keeping her tone light, knowing it is a false hope that he’ll go away quietly.

“Your family’s falling apart and you’re playing fire captain?” Lane spits at her.

Maya frowns at his unnecessary insult. “I’m not playing anything, I am captain,” she says.

“Did your mother fill your head with drama?” Lane confronts her. “Hmm? Is that why you’re treating me this way?”

Maya’s instinct tells her to walk away, to get away from her father when he is in this mood. She never could when she was a child, but she has work this time and he will at least respect that – right?

“You know, Dad, I have to go,” she says, turning to leave.

In one swift movement, Lane lifts the tape and ducks under it, striding towards her. “Don’t raise your voice at me, young lady.”

Maya feels self-conscious, knowing that eyes are starting to turn to look at them as he gets riled up. Her heart starts to beat harder in her chest and she takes a deep breath, willing it to calm down.

“Dad, I need you to get back behind the tape,” Maya says, trying to sound more confident than she feels.

Lane holds his ground, refusing to move as he glares angrily at her.

“Dad, interfering with emergency personnel is a crime, I’m not going to ask you again,” Maya says.

“Are you threatening me?” Lane asks, pushing his way into Maya’s space.

Maya takes a deep breath, summoning up as much courage as she can muster. “I am in charge and I’m ordering you to leave my scene.”

Lane squares up to her. “What did you say?”

“You heard me.” She turns to leave, refusing to argue with him in front of the crowd.

What happens next takes her by surprise and she is not expecting it when he wraps his hand around her ponytail, yanking it hard. She staggers backwards while she finds the strength to wrestle out of his grip.

“Get your hands off of me!” she yells at him as she pushes him away.

Maya feels herself suddenly surrounded by a mass of people from the fire department, bomb squad and police department. She glares back at him, unable to believe what just happened.

“Oh yeah, oh, you need your big strong men to fight your battles, huh Captain,” Lane taunts her.

Maya snaps. “No Dad, I don’t! I don’t need to win my gold medals for other people. Unlike you, I win them myself!”

Lane Bishop looks taken aback at the way his daughter stands up to him and he falls silent. He is restrained by an officer from SPD and doesn’t bother to struggle, he can do nothing but watch as Maya turns his back on her.

“I’m fine!” Maya barks. “Everybody back to work.”

Maya strides back to the scene, her whole body shaking as she tries to get a hold of her emotions. Her mind spins as she thinks about what just happened: the way her dad turned up at the scene to confront her; the way it turned physical out of the blue; the way she yelled at him in front of a crowd of people, something she has never done before. She rubs the back of her head absentmindedly where her hair was pulled so violently and she tucks her ponytail into the back of her turnout coat. She can feel her hands shaking as she moves, and she curls her fists to hide it. Her heart is racing and she takes a deep breath, desperate to calm herself before the team join her again.

‘Five things you can see,’ she thinks to herself, remembering the grounding technique that Carina taught her. A car, a fire engine, an extended ladder, a hose, broken glass on the ground. ‘Four things you can touch…’

She is walking through the steps as Sato and Turner approach.

“Bishop…?” Sato starts.

“I’m fine,” Maya interjects, softer this time. She doesn’t give them the chance to ask any more questions. “Still no word from 19. How long has it been since Gibson’s message?”

“About 25 minutes,” Sato says. “The team are inside drilling through the debris to get to the basement.”

“How long will it take?” Maya asks, impatient to get her team to safety.

“Hard to say,” Sato answers. “Five, maybe ten minutes.”

Maya nods. There is nothing they can do but wait, except Maya doesn’t have a lot of patience right now. As if the universe knows that she needs a distraction, something catches her eyes and she turns to watch as three police officers approach Chief Dixon, who is still holding court with the press. She can’t quite hear what they say to him, but watches as they cuff him and lead him away. She can’t help but smile as he passes, knowing it is about time he got his comeuppance.

Suddenly, from inside the hospital, there is a muffled boom and her stomach twists in knots.

“What the…” she starts to say. A voice comes through the radio.

“Explosion in the basement,” comes a voice through the radio. “Structure still intact, we’re about to break through.”

Maya lifts her radio. “19? 19, do you copy?” She gets silence again. “Gibson? Hughes? Montgomery? Miller? Warren?” She reels off their names, holding her breath as she waits desperately for one of them will reply to her.

She hears a crackle.

“Bishop?” she hears Jack’s voice.

“Jack! Are you guys okay?”

“We’re fine,” Jack says. “Our patient didn’t make it but the rest of us are okay.”

Maya lets out a deep sigh of relief. “Glad to hear it, Lieutenant. Not get your butts out of there.”

“You can proceed,” Chief Sato says to Turner and his team, nodding towards the hospital.

Maya nods her thanks to Turner as he leads his team inside, then turns towards Chief Sato, who is looking at her with concern.

“Listen, about earlier…”

“It won’t happen again, Sir,” Maya says.

“That’s not what I was going to say,” Sato says gently. “I was going to say, if you need any assistance, the FD will support you.”

Maya blushes with embarrassment. “Thank you, Sir. I’ll be fine.”

Chief Sato nods and moves across the forecourt to the firefighters from 23. Maya picks up her radio again. “I want bomb squad to comb through every inch of that hospital. If there were four, who knows how many more there are.”

She turns just as the team from 19 emerge from the hospital. Maya has never been so happy to see them. They walk towards her, their arms full of boxes. She watches as they notice the police car pulling away with Dixon in the back seat.

“Is that…?” Jack wonders.

“It sure as hell is,” Ben says, offering a cheeky salute.

“I never want to forget this moment,” Vic says. “I want it etched in my memory forever.”

“Forever and ever,” Travis agrees.

“See? Told y’all,” Dean notes. “Sex offender.”

Maya revels in the sound of their banter. “Why are we carrying rodents, 19?” she asks them.

“Because we’re saving the lives of untold millions,” Jack tells her.

Maya smiles, bemused, as Vic leans in as she passes her.

“You know, like we do,” Vic teases.

Maya watches as they unload the items in their arms. She spies Jack speaking to a member of Station 23 and they both look towards her when they think she is not paying attention, and she guesses that Jack is being told about the incident with her dad. She hates being the subject of gossip but doesn’t have it in her to even shoot them a pissed look at this point.

With her team back to safety and the hospital evacuated except for the bomb squad who were inside looking for more explosives, Maya instructs everyone to head back to the station. She jumps into the engine with Vic, Travis and Ben, only half-listening to them as they recount the moment that Jack carried the bomb to the autoclave. Her mind wanders back to her encounter with her father. She hasn’t heard from him since – no phone calls, no angry messages – and she still feels on edge at what might happen next. It is not like Lane Bishop to back down from a fight.

There is a pulsing ache at back of her head where the force at which he pulled her hair still lingers. Her ponytail feels heavy and she twists her neck back and forth, trying to shake the feeling, but it won’t go away. She has an overwhelming urge to chop it off and free herself from its weight, and the thought sits with her as they drive.

“You okay, Bishop?” Ben asks, noticing how quiet she is.

“Hmm? Yeah, I’m fine. Just feeling the effects from last night,” she lies.

He seems to accept her answer and the conversation turns to the events from the night before, as Vic fills him in on their drunken antics. 

They pile into the locker room when they get back to the station, squabbling over who is going to have the first shower. Maya stops by her office first and grabs the pair of scissors from her desk, then slips past everyone else and into the bathroom.

She stares at her reflection in the mirror, her face hard and sad – a far cry from the happiness that used to exude out of her when Carina was around. She wants to go back to the person she was becoming, the person who was learning to fill her life with more than just work. The person who was happy and in love.  

Maya hesitates, the tips of her fingers tingling in anticipation of what she is about to do. Maya has had long hair since she was a little girl, when everyone would run their hands over her head and tell her how pretty she was. But the sensation of her father tugging her hair and pulling her backwards lingers and won’t go away, and she wants to be free of it. She wants to be free of him.

With a shaky breath, Maya loosens her ponytail, lifts the scissors and starts to cut. She hears the blades slicing through her hair and it almost makes her stop, but it’s too late now. She has to finish. She doesn’t know how long it takes, but it feels like forever until her ponytail comes loose in her left hand. She lets go of the breath she was holding as she takes in how short and choppy her hair is now.

She looks different somehow. Even though she is used to seeing her face with her hair scraped back, her new bob looks strange on her. It doesn’t really change how she is feeling. The pain and regret are still there, threatening to overwhelm her if she just gives them the opportunity.

Jack finds her a few moments later and she glances at him via the reflection in the mirror.

“I was so stupid,” she says bluntly. “Everyone saw the truth about my dad but me. Everyone.”

Jack leans against the doorframe, watching her. He can tell that she is processing what happened this afternoon and he hangs back, giving her the space she needs. “It’s how these things usually go,” he says with a small shrug.

“I ruined the best relationship I ever had because of him,” Maya says bitterly.

Jack doesn’t know what went down between Maya and Carina, but he knows that he has never seen Maya as happy and content as she has been these last few months, and he knows she’d be a fool not to try and make amends. “You could apologise.”

Maya drops her head sorrowfully. “It’s too late for that. Way too late.”

“You’d be surprised how far an ‘I’m sorry’ can get you,” Jack says pointedly.

Maya knows she treated him like crap that day, that she had been mean and had preyed on his weaknesses to get him to stop pushing her so hard. She had been so caught up in her own feelings that she hadn’t stopped to think about his.

She turns to look at him. “I’m sorry, Jack.”

Jack offers her a small smile in acceptance of her apology. “We’re all going to the houseboat, gonna raise a glass to Dixon’s demise,” he says, inviting her to join them.

Maya smiles gratefully, but shakes her head. “No, I can’t. Have fun.”

Jack nods, understanding her reasons, and points at her hair. “Hair looks kinda cool.”

Maya smiles despite the tears that pool in her eyes. Jack turns and walks away, leaving her alone with her thoughts. The truth is, she has been too scared to apologise to Carina. Too scared to admit how badly she hurt her, too scared to see the inevitable anger in Carina’s eyes. Too scared to admit that she made a mistake because she wasn’t ready to face the truth of what everyone had been saying and acknowledge that her childhood had been hard and exhausting. Too scared of Carina telling her that she will never forgive her.

Except if she never apologises, she will never know if she can earn back Carina’s trust, and she wants that more than anything.  

Maya runs her hand over the ponytail in her hand and takes a deep breath, before heading out of the bathroom, knowing what she needs to do. She ignores the curious glances that come from her team as they take in her newly cut hair; she doesn’t see Jack shake his head at them, silently telling them not to ask any questions as she walks out of the locker room and towards her office.

She changes quickly, grabs her bag and heads out to her car. It is a short drive to the hospital and she has no time to think about what she is going to say to Carina when she sees her. She knows what she wants to say, the words have been swirling around her head all week so she is just going to wing it and hope that it is enough.

She pulls into the car park and jumps out of her car, heading for the front entrance. She doesn’t see Carina at first, too focused on her destination as she strides along the path, weaving in and out of the people around her, but the pale pink colour of her scrubs catches her eye as she passes her talking to a surgeon she doesn’t recognise. Maya stops and takes a deep breath, knowing it is now and never. She turns.

“Carina.”

Chapter Text

“Carina.”

Carina recognises her voice before she sees her, and the smile she wears falls from her face as she turns and sees Maya standing there in front of her. Just the sight of her ex-girlfriend transports her back to that night at the apartment, when Maya had returned home and spoken the words that had broken Carina’s heart. Those feelings sit heavy on her chest and mask all of the good memories that she once held so dear. Now, all Carina feels is hurt, and the face that used to bring her so much joy only brings anger. 

“What do you want?” she asks gruffly.

“I’m an idiot. You were right. I was abused, my dad was abusive,” Maya says, talking fast as the words fall out of her mouth. “But that is no excuse for what I did to you and I…” She stumbles over her words a little as she takes a deep breath.

Carina shoots Teddy an apologetic look as the trauma surgeon takes a step back, recognising the need to give them a little space.

“Just please, please, please take me back,” Maya begs. “I love you and I’ve never said that about anyone before, except my brother, so it means something.” She is a little breathless as she talks, her nerves obvious.

Carina feels her body tense as she listens to Maya’s plea. She has waited five days for something – anything – from Maya and now, here she is, throwing a declaration of love at her. They are the words that Carina has been waiting for, and yet now she hears them, she struggles to believe her. How can Maya say she loves her when she hurt her so deeply?

“I love you, Carina!” Maya says again. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry…” It is written all over Carina’s face that forgiveness will not come easy and so she repeats her apology again and again, willing Carina to believe it, until her voice breaks. “I’m sorry. Just please forgive me.”

She makes it sound like an apology is all it will take, like those two words will erase what has happened and fix Carina’s broken heart, but they won’t. Carina is too angry and too hurt.

Before she has chance to say anything, Teddy speaks up. “Oh my god, forgive her!”

A cry of frustration escapes from Carina as she turns to shoot Teddy a look of disbelief.

“Sorry, sorry,” Teddy says, looking sheepish.

“She cheated on me with her ex-boyfriend…” Carina tells her, before turning to look at Maya. “…and then you throw it in my face just to hurt me. And what am I supposed to do now? Forget that? Am I supposed to trust you?”

Hearing her betrayal spoken out loud makes Maya recoil and she takes a shaky breath. She can hear the hurt in Carina’s voice and she knows she is the cause of it. There is a part of her that wonders if she will ever earn Carina’s affection back, but Maya isn’t a quitter and she isn’t prepared to walk away without a fight.

“I don’t know. I don’t know,” Maya admits, with a small shrug. “But I’m ok spending every day trying to convince you to.”

She has a look on her face, full of determination, that Carina has seen it before – when Maya insisted on driving her around Seattle looking for Andrew when he had stormed off on his motorcycle after an argument, and when she had turned up at Carina’s house after she had taken Andrew to the residential facility, making herself at home as she had dished up their dinner. It is a look that tells her that Maya means what she says and she won’t back down. The memories cause something inside of Carina to soften, as she remembers that Maya has been there through some of the most difficult months of her life. Perhaps there is some truth to her declaration of love, Carina wonders.

Teddy watches the exchange. She doesn’t know Maya, she barely knows Carina, but it is obvious to her that these two women care deeply for each other. Maybe she is projecting her own feelings on them, but she wants someone to have a happy ending and she is pretty sure she isn’t going to get one with Owen.

“Forgive her.”

“Oh!” Carina grumbles again, look at Teddy incredulously.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Teddy says. “It’s just… if you love her, forgive her.” It is all she wants from Owen after all.

Carina looks at Maya, whose big blue eyes plead for forgiveness. She feels her resolve weakening and she is mad at herself for being so easily swayed, but she knows she will be even more mad at herself for walking away from the woman that she loves. Because she does love Maya, despite all the hurt she has felt this week.

“I love you, Maya,” she says, unable to hide the annoyance in her voice. “Argh! Come kiss me.”

Maya doesn’t need to be asked twice. She steps forwards and cups Carina’s face in her hands, drawing her lips towards her and kissing her. She can taste the peach chapstick that is Carina’s favourite and she loves the familiarity of it. She feels Carina smile against her mouth and her heart soars. Her hands circle Carina’s waist and she tugs her hips closer. Carina’s fingers slide through her hair and she grasps her new, shorter locks.

When she pulls back, Carina looks at her curiously, her hands still wrapped around her neck. “Maya, your hair?”

Maya shakes her head. “It’s a long story,” she says.

There is pain in Maya’s voice and she doesn’t say any more about it. Carina takes it as Maya’s walls coming up as quickly as they have come down. A cloud passes across her face, her forehead crinkling in frustration at another thing that Maya is keeping from her, despite everything she has just promised. The momentary joy of having Maya in her arms dissipates and she drops her hands from Maya’s face.

Maya recognises her concern immediately and she catches Carina’s wrists in her hands, desperate for her not to pull away. “Come to my apartment for dinner tonight and I’ll tell you then. I’ll tell you everything. Please?” she says earnestly, as she slips her hands into Carina’s.

Carina hesitates, the distrust she has in Maya’s words creating a distance between them, despite their physical closeness.

“Please,” Maya pleads.

Eventually, Carina nods. “Okay.”

A small, hopeful smile brightens Maya’s face. “Seven o’clock?”

“Si,” Carina says. She untangles her hands from Maya’s clasp and takes a step backwards. “I should get back to work.”

She squeezes Maya’s hands reassuringly, for herself as much as for Maya. Teddy is already walking back towards the hospital and Carina forgoes her coffee from the cart to follow her inside, her mind muddled. She loves Maya and she wants to forgive her, but there is something telling her not to jump back in too quickly, that she will only be setting herself up for more heartbreak.

Maya walks back to her car with mixed feelings too. There is a part of her that feels elated by Carina’s declaration of love, but the awkwardness between them was palpable and it feels like they have a mountain to climb to get back to what they had before.

When she gets home, she immediately falls on to the sofa. Her body is exhausted and she closes her eyes to shut out the bright daylight, but her brain is too wired and refuses to rest. She has promised Carina that she will tell her everything, every dark, broken thought in her head, and Maya doesn’t know where she will begin – or even how much Carina will want to hear.

She distracts herself by writing up a draft report of this morning’s five alarm call, getting ahead of the task that will be waiting on her desk when she arrives at work tomorrow, then turns her mind to dinner. They eat out more than they cook and take out is an easy option, but Maya feels like she needs to make an effort tonight. She is a decent cook as long as she is following a recipe, whereas Carina has an effortless way of throwing ingredients together and making something delicious, something Maya always envies.

Maya picks up her phone and scrolls through a few websites, settling for a dish of pasta with a spicy tomato sauce. It looks simple enough, she thinks, and she has the ingredients thanks to Carina insisting that she always keeps the basics in her cupboards. As she preps dinner, she remembers Carina’s stern words about not using too much garlic, calling it ‘American nonsense’.

At five minutes past seven, Carina texts her to say she is running late, which puts Maya on edge. She has been playing it over and over in her mind what she is going to say, trying to second guess how Carina might react, and what she needs to do to convince Carina that she will never, ever break her heart again. She watches the time tick by until, just before seven thirty, there is a knock at the door. Maya takes a deep breath before she pulls the door open.

“Hey.”

Carina smiles tentatively, looking just as anxious as Maya feels. “Hi bella.”

Maya relaxes a little as she uses her usual term of endearment and steps back, inviting Carina inside. She doesn’t normally need an invitation, she usually comes bowling in and sweeps Maya up with a kiss the moment the door opens, but there is still an awkwardness between them and the physical intimacy they usually share feels foreign to them both.

“It smells good in here,” Carina says as she shrugs off her coat, showing off the cream satin blouse she wears underneath.

“I made dinner,” Maya says, tilting her head towards the kitchen.

After hanging up her coat, Carina follows her into the kitchen, walking up to the hob and inhaling the blend of tomatoes, garlic and red peppers that escape from the pan. 

“Arrabiata?” Carina guesses.

“Yeah,” Maya says, pleased with herself for not butchering the recipe. “Hungry?”

“Starving,” Carina answers.

She stands back and lets Maya serve dinner, making herself useful by opening a bottle of wine. There is so much unsaid and it hangs over them. There is no easy conversation between them like there usually is, and the silent tension almost drives Carina crazy.

She almost didn’t come time, she almost convinced herself that there was no point. That even if she still loved Maya – and Carina knows she does – they’ll never be able to fix their relationship. The wounds are too deep, and if listening to Maya tell her about her tryst with Jack is the way to heal those wounds, then she isn’t sure she wants to try. Except now she knows what it is like to be in love like this, she doesn’t want to let it go, so she knows she is going to have to hear it, no matter how hard it is.

Not yet though.

“Bailey told me about what happened today,” Carina says as she pours the deep red liquid into two glasses.

Maya’s hand goes instinctively to the back of her head, where her hair stops a couple of inches above her shoulders. “She did?” she asks.

Carina notices her reaction but doesn’t say anything. She is still curious about how Maya’s hair ended up looking so bad, but there is something about the look on her face that stops Carina from asking. Maya promised to tell her everything and this evening feels like a test, to see if Maya really means what she says.

“Si, she said that Ben and the others were stuck in a basement with a bomb?”

“Oh, right… yeah,” Maya says, relieved that the incident with her dad wasn’t the subject of hospital gossip just yet. She places two dishes of penne al’arrabiata on the table.

“Was it bad?” Carina asks. “I know everyone got out okay, but it wasn’t long ago that they were trapped in the storage facility and I thought…”

She trails off, leaving Maya to finish her question.

“…that I’d be thinking about what happened with Captain Herrera?”

Carina nods and it reminds Maya that, despite only being in her life for a few months, Carina knows how her mind works – and as much as that used to scare her, it is actually pretty wonderful. Tears prick the corners of her eyes as she sits down.

“I wasn’t going to lose anyone else.”

Carina lifts her hand and wipes the tear that trickles down Maya’s cheek. Maya leans into her touch.

“I’ve missed you,” she says in a low voice.

“I’ve missed you too,” Carina confesses.

They sit still for a moment, enjoying the calm before the storm they know is coming.

“Come, let’s eat,” Carina says.

Dinner is a muted affair. Carina tells her about the echocardiogram programme she is thinking of developing. Maya asks after Andrew and her family in Italy, and they talk a little bit about plans for the hospital and the fire station in case the country goes into lockdown like the rest of the world. They don’t talk about their fight or Jack or Maya’s dad, not yet, although they both know it is a conversation that is coming.

Once their plates are empty, Maya sets about clearing the table and stacking the dishwasher. “You want dessert? I think there’s some of that gelato you bought, the pistachio one. Or coffee? I only have the instant stuff but…”

“Maya,” Carina interjects gently, standing up from her seat and resting against the edge of the table. “You invited me here to talk. We should talk.”

Her heart flutters nervously in anticipation of what that conversation will bring, but she knows they can’t put it off forever.

Maya feels it too and she nods as she slowly turns to face Carina.

“I’m sorry,” Maya starts, but Carina interrupts her.

“I know you’re sorry. But being sorry…”

“…isn’t enough, I know,” Maya says. “But I don’t know what else to say because everything sounds like an excuse and there’s no excuse for what I did.”

“No, there’s not,” Carina says, her voice heavy with sadness. “Just… tell me why.” It is the question that has been on her mind all week.

Maya feels racked with guilt and she takes a deep breath to calm her nerves. “I wanted everything to stop,” she says. “My mom had literally turned up out of nowhere and dropped this bombshell on me, and it felt like everyone was putting pressure on me to change the way I feel about my dad, to feel a certain way about my childhood. And I wasn’t ready to do that.”

“Okay,” Carina says. “But I don’t understand how that led to you sleeping with Jack.”

“I didn’t mean for it to happen. I just.. you kept pushing me to talk about it and…”

Her words cause Carina to prickle. “You’re blaming me?”

“No, that’s not what I meant,” Maya objects. “But I told you that I didn’t want to talk about it and you wouldn’t listen.”

Carina purses her lips, feeling herself getting riled up, and she exhales slowly. Maybe she had been right, maybe she isn’t ready to hear what Maya has to say because all it is doing is reminding her of the hurt she has struggled with all week. She folds her arms across her chest, as if shielding herself from Maya’s words.

Maya can see the way her words are making Carina feel and she wishes she had a better way of explaining herself. “I’m making you mad.”

The three feet between them feels like a mile right now.

Carina shakes her head. “So what you’re telling me is that I cared enough to try to get you to see the truth about your dad and because you didn’t like it, you decided to sleep with your ex-boyfriend?”

“No, it wasn’t like that,” Maya tries to defend herself. “I was upset, I was angry…”

“Those aren’t reasons to cheat, Maya!”

“I know that,” Maya says.

“Do you?” Carina challenges her. “Because you’re right, everything you’re saying sounds like an excuse. Like you’re still not willing to be honest with me.”

“You asked me to explain, I’m trying to do that,” Maya fights back.

Carina holds her hands up in defeat, letting Maya continue.

“I went to the station and I got into a fight with Andy, and then Jack turned up and he was saying things about my dad, and he kept pushing me too,” Maya says. “And I just wanted him to stop.”

“So you decided to have sex with him?” Carina questions. “Why didn’t you just walk away?”

“I… I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do,” Carina pushes her. “You walked away from me, why couldn’t you walk away from him too? Do you…” There is a question she needs answered, except she isn’t sure she’s ready for the answer. “Do you still have feelings for him?”

“No!” Maya says quickly. “Jack and I are over, I love you.”

Carina shakes her head incredulously. “You don’t do that to people you love.”

“I know! I know I screwed up,” Maya says. “I know I’m broken.”

“Ugh, Maya, stop telling me you’re broken!” Carina cries. “…and do something to fix yourself, don’t break everyone else around you.”

Her words sting and Maya feels herself recoiling.

“Do you know how much it hurt when you told me about you and Jack? I’d waited all day for you to come home. I could see you were struggling and I wanted to make sure you were okay – and you were with him.” Tears spill out of Carina’s eyes. “And the way you threw it in my face was so cruel, Maya. Sometimes I think that was even worse because even if sleeping Jack was a mistake, like you say it was, telling me the way you did wasn’t – that was on purpose.”

Maya crumples, guilt all over her face, but Carina doesn’t stop. She needs to let it out, she needs Maya to know just how much she has been hurting. 

“You know your voice has been in my head all week? Every night when I’ve gone to sleep and every morning when I’ve woken up, all I have heard is you. It’s broken my heart every time. And I don’t understand it. I don’t understand why you would want to hurt me so much.”

“I’m sorry,” Maya says hopelessly.

Carina shakes her head. “It’s not enough,” she says. “No matter how many times you say it, it’s not enough to change what you did.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say!” Maya says.

“I want you to tell me the truth!” Carina says.

“I can’t.”

“Why? What are you so afraid of, Maya?” Carina says. “You’ve done the hard part, you’ve accepted your father’s abuse. Why are you still holding back from me?”

“Because what if you don’t like what you hear?” Maya blurts out. “You said you loved me. This afternoon, I said I was sorry and you said you loved me, but you never said you forgive me. You never said you trust me. What if hearing the truth means you never do?”

Maya’s face is ashen with fear; not just the fear of never being forgiven, but the fear of what Carina will think when she realises who she really is and what she became under her father’s watchful eye. She drops her gaze, can’t bear to see Carina looking at her, knowing that she is finally seeing her for everything that she is.

Carina’s shoulders drop as she finally starts to understand why Maya is so reluctant to open herself up completely. She walks over to where Maya is stood, taking each of her hands in her own. “I’m here, aren’t I?” she says softly. “And this will never work if you keep holding back from me, because no, I won’t be able to forgive you and I won’t be able to trust you, no matter how much I love you.”

She rubs her thumbs across the back of Maya’s hands.

“Please, bambina, talk to me,” Carina says. “Trust me.”

Maya relents and nods, letting Carina guide her over to the couch. Her hands shake with nerves and shoves them under her thighs. Carina doesn’t speak, she simply waits for Maya to talk.

“I was twelve years old when my dad got me to run competitively, did I ever tell you that?”

Carina shakes her head, no.

“I was always an active kid, whereas Mason was more studious and loved his art. I used to play soccer in kindergarten and I loved it. There was only me and one other girl on the team, the rest were boys, but it didn’t matter. I just loved running around and having fun with my friends, you know? I’d never thought about being a runner, but when I went to middle school, one of the sports coaches thought that I’d be good at long distance. He talked to my parents and they signed me up to a running club. I was okay when I started but then I started to get better and win races, and my dad liked that. He liked his little girl being the best and I liked how proud he was of me.”

She sounds wistful, but sad, as she talks about her past.

“I ended up working with a coach one-on-one but eventually my dad didn’t think he was doing a good enough job, so when I was fourteen he took over my training. I guess that was the start of it. The early morning alarms, the after-school training sessions, the weekend track meets. It was relentless but I was making my dad happy. And if I ever wanted a break, if I stopped to rest for moment, he would be unhappy – and my dad wasn’t a nice person to be around when he was unhappy.”

Carina listens intently, letting Maya tell her story.

“He never hit us,” Maya says. “But he could be angry and mean and aggressive sometimes. Broken lamps, smashed dishes. He made me run until I was sick – physically sick – and even then he would still expect me to keep going once my stomach was empty. There were a few times when he woke me up by pouring cold water on my face. He…”

Her body shudders at the memories.

“…made you walk home for twenty miles when you didn’t beat your best time?” Carina finishes.

Maya nods.

“I never saw it as abuse,” Maya says. “My mom… she just accepted it too. She never stood up to him, she never challenged him.”

“She was a victim too,” Carina reminds her.

“I know,” Maya says. “I mean, I know that now. I didn’t get it when I was a kid – or maybe I didn’t want to. I asked my mom once why he was like that and you know what she told me? She told me that it was because of how much he loved me and how much he wanted me to succeed. I guess I wanted that to be true, so I trained myself to believe that.”

“So… the faster you ran and the more medals you won, the more your dad would love you?” Carina questions.

Maya nods. “Everyone was scared of him: my mom, Mason, my friends, even the coaches.”

“And you?”

“At first, yeah. Until I learned that the way to keep him happy was to do whatever he wanted me to do, to always meet his expectations, to be the athlete that he wanted me to be. Sometimes I’d be running around that track and I would wonder what it would be like to be that seven year old girl playing soccer again.” Tears prick her eyes and she blinks them away. “It wasn’t that I hated running, I actually really liked it. I liked feeling strong and fast – but it just wasn’t much fun. I missed having fun. But that wasn’t allowed, I had to focus on the finish line.”

“Eyes forward at all times,” Carina repeats the mantra she has heard from Maya before.

“The day my mom came to the station, we got called out to a bowling alley. A young girl’s grandpa died and she was upset, and I was so cold to her, Carina. I was mean – just like him. Andy and Jack were stuck inside with a bunch of kids, and I was so focused on getting them out that I didn’t care about her feelings. What kind of person does that make me?”

“Maya.” Carina’s voice oozes with sympathy but Maya shakes it off.

“And then we came back to the station and I snapped at my mom, and I snapped at you, and you didn’t deserve that,” Maya says. “You were just trying to make me see the truth.”

“But you weren’t ready,” Carina concedes, starting to understand why Maya’s walls had gone up every time she had tried to talk about her father. 

“That’s not an excuse,” Maya says, so desperate for Carina’s forgiveness that she doesn’t stop to forgive herself.

“No, it’s not,” Carina agrees. “But it means I understand you better.” She reaches out and rests her hand on Maya’s knee, squeezing it gently as a sign of encouragement to carry on.

Maya feels her chest tighten.

“You were right, I was in denial. I think I started to realise what my mom was saying was true, but I didn’t want to know so I pushed it out. And when you pressed me to talk about it, I pushed you away too.” Her voice breaks a little. “I’m sorry.”

Carina nods. “You said you saw Andy at the station and got into a fight?” she prompts Maya to continue her story.

“I was using the gym and she came in, she was looking for information about her dad. She was spiralling, she’d convinced herself that Pruitt had been hiding something from her,” Maya says. “I couldn’t listen to her talk about him like that.”

“Like what?” Carina asks curiously.

“Like she wanted to pick apart all the good things about him and turn him into a bad guy,” Maya explains. “And Pruitt… he was a hero, and Andy was talking about him like he was a terrible father, like he was…”

“Like he was your dad?”

Maya nods. “And then I was in my office and Jack came in.” She feels Carina’s body turn rigid and reaches for her hand, craving some physical contact for when she gets to the hardest part. Carina doesn’t pull away, but doesn’t hold her hand in return. “We got into a fight. He was pushing my buttons about my dad, and you.”

Carina’s eyebrows arch upwards. She has tried not to think too much about Jack’s part in this, but it irks her to know that he had been talking about her and about their relationship.

“And I know you’re probably mad at him too…”

Carina shoots her a look that tells her that she is right.

“…but it was my mistake. It was my fault. Because he was right, I was scared and I was feeling exposed, I guess, and when that happens, my walls go up. He called me out for pushing you away and I was angry at him because he was right, that’s exactly what I’d done. And I just… I needed him to stop, so I…” She closes her eyes, can’t bear to see Carina’s face when she says it. “I kissed him. And then…”

She doesn’t say anything else, she doesn’t need to. Carina knows what happened next. She opens her eyes and sees the hurt written all over Carina’s face, her cheeks wet with tears and her bottom lip trembling.

“I’m so sorry,” Maya says, through her own tears. “I hate that I did it. I wish I could take it all back, but I can’t, and I hate that too. I know how much I’ve hurt you. You were right, I threw it in your face because I wanted to hurt you. I hated myself for what happened and I wanted you to hate me too.” Her chest rumbles as she tries to catch her breath.

“Why?” is all Carina can say.

“Because I didn’t want you to find out that I’m just like him, because if you knew that then you’d hate me anyway and that would be even worse.”

Through her hurt, Carina starts to understand Maya’s motives. It was easier for Carina to hate her for what she had done than to hate her for who she is – or who she perceives herself to be.

“Maya,” Carina says. “You’re nothing like your father.”

“Aren’t I?” Maya says bitterly. “I set my sight on becoming Captain and I wasn’t going to let anything get in my way. My relationship with Jack? My friendship with Andy? They became obstacles. And once I became Captain, I used everything he had taught me to put my team through hell – all those running drills and training sessions, because I thought that a bit of tough love would make them the best they could be.”

Maya shakes her head, angry at herself for refusing to see the truth for so long. She drops her head, a sob erupting from her chest. Carina shuffles forwards and slips a hand through Maya’s hair, her fingers soft against the back of Maya’s neck. She rests her forehead against Maya’s and they sit in the silence of the apartment, their tears pooling together between them.

“I’m sorry,” Maya says again, feeling like she will never be able to say it enough.

“I know,” Carina soothes her.

Maya hands wrap around the loose material at the bottom of Carina’s shirt. “Do you think you’ll ever be able to forgive me?” She is terrified of the answer and she holds her breath as she waits for a reply.

It is a question that Carina has been asking herself all day and she has been so uncertain of her answer – until now. She straightens up and guides Maya’s face up to look at her.

“Yes, Maya, I can forgive you.”

“And what about trust?” Maya asks. “Can you trust me again? Because I meant what I said, I will do anything to earn your trust back.”

Carina twists her lips. “I think trust is going to take some time,” she says truthfully. “You hurt me, Maya. And I can’t just forget the way you made me feel. But I do believe you when you say you’re sorry and I believe you when you say that you’ll do better in the future. And I think that’s the first step to getting back that trust.”

“I’ll do anything,” Maya says. “I’ll request a demotion and I’ll transfer stations so that I’m not working with Jack any more, if that’ll make it better.”

“Maya,” Carina says, her tone lightly scolding. “I don’t expect you to do that. You worked hard to be captain and I would never ask you to do that for me. 19 is your home, they’re your family, I get that. Besides, if you’re gonna earn back my trust, then you can’t run away from what broke it in the first place.”

Maya nods, as Carina strokes her cheek, her skin red and dry from the tears she has been crying.

“I want to trust you again, Maya,” Carina says. “I want us to be okay.”

“I want that too,” Maya says. “I love you.”

“I love you, too, bambina,” Carina says.

She leans in and presses a soft kiss on Maya’s lips, before drawing her in for a hug. Maya buries her face into Carina’s hair, inhaling the familiar scent of her shampoo. Carina plays with the ends of her hair, her fingers grazing her exposed neck. She remembers the look on Maya’s face when she has asked her about it earlier and can’t help but feel that her new short locks are connected to why she turned up suddenly at the hospital, full of regret and apologies. Maya had made a promise to tell her everything and it feels like the last piece of the story.

“Maya?”

“Hmm?”

Carina pulls back a little so that they are looking at each other.

“Will you tell me what happened to your hair?”

Chapter Text

Maya runs her hand through her hair, the tips of her fingers tickling her skin when they reach her neck. It is an unfamiliar sensation and she shivers, her body tensing as she remembers the way her head jerked backwards under her dad’s grip. She thought that feeling would go away when she cut her hair, but it lingers stubbornly and she wonders if the memory will ever fade.

Carina notices her reaction and regrets the question. Maybe this part of the story is too hard for Maya to tell right now, and Carina knows she has pushed her to talk too quickly in the past. She doesn’t want history to repeat itself.

“You don’t have to…” Carina starts to say, but Maya cuts her off.

“No, I… I want to tell you.” She takes a shaky breath. “My dad turned up at the station this morning,” she says. “He, uh, he’s been calling me this week and I’ve been ignoring him, so he was pissed. He pretended like he was there to visit me, but I could tell. I’ve seen it so many times before, he gets this glint in his eye like he could snap at any minute. But we were on a call and I had to get to Pac North so I left him at the station. I figured I’d get back later and he’d probably still be mad, and I’d deal with it then.”

She falls quiet as the sound of Lane calling for her from the crowd echoes in her head, haunted by the way he kept his voice light to hide his anger like so many times in the past.

“But?” Carina prompts her gently.

“But he followed us to the scene. He was watching what was going on and he started calling me over. I tried to get him to go away, but he wouldn’t. He said he wanted to see me in action and it reminded me of all those times he used to stand on the sidelines watching me race, cheering me on. Except I knew it wasn’t true. He wasn’t there for me, he was there for him. He needed to take his anger out on somebody.”

“He was mad that your mom left him?”

Maya nods. “He likes to be in control,” she says. “And my mom leaving was something that he had no power over. So when I didn’t answer his calls or call him back, I guess he realised that I was starting to see the truth in what Mom was saying about him, and that was something else that he couldn’t control.”

She shakes her head. “He sure knows how to pick his moments. My team were stuck in a basement with a bomb, they could have died and he just wanted to have a go at me. To make out he’s the victim in all this.” Her voice is full of bitterness towards a man she once revered. “We got into an argument. He ducked under the tape that was holding the crowd back and I told him to step away, but he wouldn’t listen. He told me that mom was filling my head with nonsense, he accused me of “playing captain”. So I was the one who walked away.”

Tears pool in her eyes. “Except no-one walks away from Lane Bishop.” She pauses as she tries to shrug off the tugging sensation that pulses at the back of her head. “He, um… he grabbed my hair and he pulled it, and I stumbled backwards.”

Carina visibly reacts to her story, her body straightening in shock. “Maya,” she murmurs, reaching out and holding Maya’s hand, squeezing it gently.

Maya shakes her head, knowing that just the smallest amount of sympathy will cause her to crack. It is there, bubbling under the surface and threatening to spill out, and she doesn’t want that, she doesn’t want him to win.

“I got away from him and he left. And then we got my team out of the basement.” She remembers the sight of them emerging from the hospital, all smiles that they had got out safely. “I was so glad to see them, it should’ve been a happy moment.” She sighs. “Except all I could feel was him pulling my ponytail.”

“And that’s why you cut your hair?” Carina asks, putting the pieces together.

Maya nods. “It sounds stupid, I know, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it, and I thought… I thought if I just cut off my hair, it would go away.”

“But it hasn’t?”

Maya shakes her head as a small sob escapes from her. She doesn’t want to feel like this. He is her father. He is supposed to protect her, not hurt her. Her head tells her that it is all him; that she and Mason and her mom are not to blame for the way he treated them, but doubt creeps in and she wonders what she did that meant she was only worthy of his love when she was winning races. Those thoughts overwhelm her and she feels shame and hurt and frustration. She has been pushing them down and focusing on doing her job. The moment she lets them in, it hits her hard and the tears flow from her eyes.

“Oh, bella,” Carina says, sweeping Maya up in her arms and holding her tightly. A heaviness sits on her chest at the grief that pours out of Maya, and she feels so much anger towards a man she has never met. She doesn’t say anything as rocks Maya’s body with her own, giving her the moment she needs to let it all out.

As her body stills, Carina runs her hand over the back of Maya’s head until it rests on her neck. She feels Maya’s body turn rigid against her and Carina holds her a little tighter.

“It’s okay,” she whispers. She slowly and gently guides Maya’s face away from her, until her cheek is pressed against Carina’s shoulder, exposing the back of her head. Carina places a soft kiss at the base of her neck, and another a little higher up, and a third on her hairline. She repeats the process twice more, each kiss becoming a little harder, desperate to replace Maya’s bad memory with a better one.

She can feel Maya’s tears soaking into the sleeve of her blouse and she holds her tighter still, nuzzling her nose into Maya’s hair.

“I’m proud of you,” Carina says.

Maya lets the words wash over her and she burrows herself into Carina’s shoulder, grateful for her calming influence. Her embrace makes Maya feel loved and safe, something she has been craving all day, knowing that Carina was the only person in the world who could give her that feeling.

She stays wrapped up in Carina’s arms until she feels stronger and like she won’t cry any more, because she has done too much of that already this evening and her dad doesn’t deserve any more of her tears.

“I really do love you,” she says as she extracts herself from Carina’s arms, her voice cracking a little.

“I know you do,” Carina says, smiling as she runs her thumb over Maya’s dry cheeks. “I love you too, bella.” Her eyes twinkle at her. “Even if you do have bad hair.”

That makes Maya smile. “It seemed like a good idea at the time,” she laments.

Carina shrugs. “Maybe it was. Maybe it was your way of letting go of the past.”

“Maybe. Except now I have to walk around looking like this until I can get to the hair salon,” Maya says with a grimace, gesturing towards her lopsided haircut.

Carina curls her finger under some of the loose strands that fall across Maya’s face and tucks them behind her ear. “Why don’t I tidy it up for you?” she offers.

“You know how to cut hair?” Maya raises one eyebrow curiously.

“No,” Carina says, which makes Maya laugh. “But I can’t make it look any worse.”

Carina stands and holds out her hand, which Maya accepts, letting Carina pull her to her feet. Carina fetches a sheet from the cupboard, while Maya hunts for the sharpest pair of scissors she owns. She returns with the scissors in one hand and a mirror in the other.

She puts the mirror on the table and hesitates, a small, concerned frown on her face. “Are you sure about this?”

“Trust me,” Carina says lightly. She lays the sheet on the ground and drags a chair on top of it, then takes the scissors from Maya. “Sit.”

She says it with such conviction that Maya sits obediently on the chair, although she can’t stop her leg from anxiously jiggling up and down. Carina notices and she puts her hands on Maya’s shoulders. “Trust me,” she repeats, more softly. She rests her chin on the top of Maya’s head and keeps her hands on her shoulders until she feels them relax.

“Okay,” Maya says when she is ready.

Carina works silently as she chips away at the bottom of Maya’s hair, straightening its edges as best as she can. The back of her hand brushes against Maya’s neck every now and again, causing the fine hairs to stand up on end. Carina is aware of it and each time she pauses and offers Maya reassurance with a soft kiss on the top of her head, letting her know she is in safe hands.

When she is finished, she sweeps the hair off Maya’s shoulders, letting it fall to the floor. “All done.”

Maya takes a deep breath, then picks up the mirror and studies her hair. It has never been this short and it looks strange on her. It is still a little longer on one side and she will need to visit a hair stylist soon, but Carina has done a good job and it looks less choppy than it did earlier. She plays with the ends, curling it around her fingers.

“Do you feel okay?” Carina asks.

Maya nods slowly. “It feels strange, but yeah I’m okay,” Maya says, watching as her short hair bounces as her head moves. She tilts the mirror so that she can see Carina’s reflection. “Thank you.”

“Prego,” Carina says. She takes a step backwards and Maya catches her hand, turning her head to look over her shoulder.  

“Are you?”

Carina frowns, not understanding. “Am I…?”

“Are you okay?” Maya looks up at her. “I feel like I’ve done a lot of talking tonight. And I know we talked about forgiveness and trust, but you haven’t really said much about how you’re feeling about everything that’s happened.”

Carina doesn’t respond right away. She feels exhausted by everything she has heard this evening and isn’t sure she has the energy for any more talking, especially if it means confronting her own feelings.

“Maya, it’s getting late.”

“I know. But you’re right. If we’re gonna make this work, we can’t hold back from each other,” Maya says, her big blue eyes looking up earnestly at her. She feels nervous asking Carina to open up to her. She wants to give Carina the space she needs to talk about what she is thinking and how she is feeling, but Maya is scared about what she might hear, because she knows one evening won’t fix everything.

Carina exhales slowly. She nods and walks around Maya to the table, pulling out her own chair and sitting down.

“I feel sad that it happened,” she says honestly. “I mean, I understand it better now but it doesn’t stop me from feeling sad that I wasn’t enough to make you stay and talk to me, instead of running away to…”

To Jack, is what she was about to say.

Maya bites her bottom lip. She wants to jump in and tell her that she is enough, but she doesn’t, choosing instead to let Carina say whatever is on her mind.

“I’m still mad at you a little bit, I think,” Carina continues. “I’m mad at you for making me feel like I was nothing. I’m mad that you walked away from me and I’m mad that you didn’t walk away from him.” She wipes away a tear that falls down her cheek. “I know it was a mistake, but it still hurts that it happened. That doesn’t just go away because you’re sorry about it.”

“I get that,” Maya says.

“And I know that you said you didn’t go looking for it, but there’s a part of me that’s scared that it’ll happen again the next time we have a fight,” Carina admits.

“It won’t,” Maya objects.

“I know you believe that,” Carina says.

“So what will take for you to believe it?” Maya asks, her heart dropping.

“Time,” Carina answers. “I need time for the hurt to go away and I need time for the trust to come back. I meant what I said earlier. I do forgive you and I really want us to be okay. Because I love you, Maya. And most of all, I feel hopeful that we’ll be okay.”

Maya’s heart leaps. “I like hopeful.”

Carina smiles and shuffles forwards, cupping Maya’s face in her hands and kissing her square on the lips.

Maya slides her hands along Carina’s thighs and they settle on her hips, as she leans into the kiss. She opens her mouth a little, a contented sigh escaping as Carina sweeps her tongue along her bottom lip. She tastes of garlic and spice and red wine, and Carina feels herself melting into the embrace.

“I’ve missed this,” she murmurs against Maya’s mouth.

They deepen their kiss and, for a moment, Carina lets go of every doubt in her mind and she knows, despite everything, that loving Maya and choosing to forgive her is what she wants. Because she can’t imagine not kissing these lips for the rest of her life or hearing her laugh or watching her fail at making a decent espresso. She wants more days hiking the nearby trails and more nights curled up on the couch together. She wants to know that Maya will be in her future.  

When their lips part, she buries herself in the crook of Maya’s neck. Maya wraps her arms around her and Carina remembers that it is her favourite place to be.

“It’s getting late, I should go,” she says as she slowly pulls away.

Maya frowns. “You’re leaving?”

“I should,” Carina says. “You have work tomorrow and it’s been a long day.”

For both of them, she thinks.

There is a part of her that wants to stay, to curl up in bed with their arms wrapped around each other; but there is still a hesitancy and she knows she would be crazy to jump in so quickly.

Maya nods as she tries to conceal her disappointment. She wants to ask Carina to stay, wants to fall asleep knowing that she will still be there when she wakes up. She doesn’t want to watch Carina walk out of her apartment again because the last time she didn’t come back. Maya knows how much she hurt her and she is worried that Carina will decide that forgiving her was a mistake.

Except Carina asked for time and Maya is willing to give her as much time as she needs if it means earning her trust back.

“Can I see you on Sunday, after my shift ends?” Maya asks.

“I’d like that,” Carina says with a smile – and she means it. “Why don’t you come to my house for lunch?” She is aware that Maya always needs sleep after a twenty-four hour shift, knowing that she never sleeps enough when she is at the station.

Maya returns her smile. “Sounds good.”

She makes the first move and stands up, walking towards the door. Carina follows her and pulls on her coat. Maya helps, their hands fighting playfully over the buttons, drawing a smile from each of them.

Maya looks up at her. “Thank you for fixing my hair.”

Carina nods and leans down, brushing her lips against Maya’s in a light kiss. “I’ll see you on Sunday, bella.”

She walks out of the apartment, taking the elevator down to the street below. The early spring air is cool and, although Carina usually complains about how long it takes for Seattle to warm up after winter, she is grateful for it tonight. It has been a long evening and she is tired, ready to curl up and sleep. Finally it feels like she can rest. All week, she has gone to bed dreading the next day, knowing that the hurt she carries will still be there. She knows one conversation won’t be enough to let it all go, but confronting the truth – even though it was heartbreaking at times – has helped ease the hurt and she is glad that they have a chance to get their relationship back on track.

She meant it when she said she felt hopeful. She thinks about Andrew dealing with his Bipolar and her family in lockdown in Italy and how the world is slowly falling apart, and how America will follow soon. The future feels uncertain and scary, but despite all that, her heart feels lighter than it has in days and Carina resolves to hold on tightly to that hopeful feeling with all that she has.

Chapter Text

Maya arrives at Carina’s home just after one o’clock. She pulls up on the road outside and looks up at the townhouse, taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly. Her body is tense with a nervous anticipation at seeing Carina again. They would usually exchange a few texts during Maya’s twenty-four hour shifts, but there has been nothing since their Friday night dinner except for a brief message from Carina this morning to say that she hoped Maya’s shift had been safe and calm, and she was looking forward to seeing her for lunch.

It feels too familiar, too normal to engage in flirty text messages, and okay they both want to get their relationship back on track and Maya feels optimistic that they can and will – but these early days of trying to move past her indiscretion feel hard and doubt keeps creeping in. She tries to push it away, but as she stares up at the brick building in front of her, it ties her stomach into knots.

Yet she is as determined as she was when she turned up at the hospital to beg for forgiveness that she will prove to Carina that she is sorry and will do whatever it takes to convince her that their relationship is worth saving.

Maya steps out of the car and crosses the sidewalk, walking up the steps to the front door. She rings the bell and waits, her left knee jiggling impatiently. There is no answer and Maya frowns. She checks her phone in case Carina sent her another message to cancel their plans, but her inbox is empty. She bites her bottom lip, unsure what to do. Maybe Carina is in the bathroom and didn’t hear the doorbell? The knots in her stomach twist a little tighter as she tries again. After just a few seconds this time, she hears the lock click and the door drifts open. Maya pushes it slowly, poking her head inside.

She hears Carina before she sees her, speaking rapidly into her cellphone. She must be talking to family, Maya guesses, because she speaks in Italian and Maya has no chance of deciphering what she is saying. She takes a tentative step inside. Carina turns slightly and beckons her in, but doesn’t hang up. Maya can tell from the way she holds her body, her shoulders hunched and a concerned frown on her face, that something is wrong. She wonders if it is something to do with Andrew. He has been doing so well at his residential facility and is supposed to be coming home next week, and Maya feels her heart sink at the thought that maybe he has taken a step backwards.

“Si. Si, lo farò,” she hears Carina say as she ends the call.

She turns to Maya. “I’m sorry.”

Maya shakes her head, dismissing her apology. “What’s going on?”

Carina’s face crumples in response to her question and Maya immediately steps forwards, her hands taking Carina’s hips and twisting them gently until Carina is facing her.

“Hey,” she says softly. “Tell me what happened.”

“My Zio… my uncle, Eduardo. He’s sick. He, uh, he got admitted to the hospital last night.” She gulps. “It’s bad. The doctors want to put him on a ventilator.” Her chest shudders as she inhales. “And now my aunt and uncle both have a cough, and they’ve been taking groceries to my Nonna because she won’t leave the house.”

“Oh, Carina, I’m sorry,” Maya says. “Come here.”

She pulls Carina in to in a tight embrace, wrapping her arms around her body and holding her close. “The hospital will take care of him. The doctors will know what to do,” Maya tries to reassure, except Carina is a doctor and she knows the reality better than Maya does. Still, she feels Carina nod, her hands gripping her jacket tightly.

Maya holds her until Carina pulls away, smiling weakly as she tries to brush off her vulnerability.

“Mi dispiace… I’m sorry,” she says. “I didn’t invite you to lunch just to cry on your shoulder.”

Maya shoots her an admonishing glance. “Don’t be sorry. This virus, it’s scary for everyone.” She looks up at Carina with wide eyes. “It’s coming, isn’t it? The lockdowns, the overcrowded hospitals.”

‘The deaths,’ she thinks, but can’t bring herself to say. She doesn’t need to, she knows it is on Carina’s mind too.

 Carina nods. “Soon.”

Maya doesn’t know what prompts it – maybe Carina wants to distract herself from worrying about her family or the threatening pandemic – but before she knows it, Carina dips her head and draws her into a kiss, hard and messy. It catches Maya off-guard but quickly her hands are raking through Carina’s hair. They stumble together until Maya’s back hits the doorframe and she feels Carina’s body press up against hers. A whimper escapes from her mouth as Carina’s lips start their assault on her neck.

Her face buried into Maya’s neck, Carina suddenly becomes still, her body slumping into Maya’s. Recognising the grief that ripples through her, Maya pulls Carina into another tight hug as she quivers in Maya’s arms.

“It’s okay,” Maya murmurs. “You’re okay. I’m here.” She runs her hand over Carina’s hair. “I love you.”

The words that once felt impossible to say now fall from her mouth easily. She feels Carina squeeze her tightly in return and Maya feels guilty about how good it feels to have Carina in her arms and to be able to comfort her when she needs her the most.

Rubbing her back, Maya pulls out of their embrace and looks up at Carina questioningly. Carina nods, silently telling her she is okay.

“What do you need?” Maya asks, resolving to do whatever she asks for.

“Just you, here, is good,” Carina says with a small smile. “Come, let’s go have lunch.”

She takes Maya’s hand, guiding her into the open plan living area. The table is already set for two, a candle burning in the centre. It feels romantic and it surprises Maya, but she is touched by the gesture and feels the knots inside of her unravelling.

“Oh, I stopped by Little Roma on the way and picked up some cannoli,” Maya says, reaching into her bag and retrieving a small box.

It is a nod to the first night they met and it brings out a smile on Carina’s face. “Grazie,” she says, taking the box from Maya’s hand. She nods at one of the chairs. “Sit.”

Carina busies herself in the kitchen. The smell of lemon and garlic wafts through the air towards Maya, who feels her stomach rumble in excitement of being fed. There is a bottle of white wine chilling on the table and Maya pours two glasses as she waits. Within minutes, Carina places a seafood salad on the table between them, a colourful mix of green salad leaves, red and yellow tomatoes and sweet peppers, and topped with shrimp and calamari.

“This looks amazing,” Maya says.

Carina seasons it with salt and pepper, before dishing it out on to their plates.

“Better than tacos, no?” Carina teases.

Maya rolls her eyes and sticks out her tongue playfully, before tucking in. She can’t help but let out a small moan of delight at the flavours that fill her mouth, causing Carina to smile smugly.

“Have you heard from Andrew lately?” Maya asks, hoping to hear some good news that will distract Carina from worrying about her family in Italy.

“Si, I spoke to him yesterday,” Carina answers, her face lighting up. “He’s doing good. The doctors are happy that he can still come home next week.”

“That’s great,” Maya says. “I’m really pleased. You must be happy?”

Carina nods. “But I still have to convince him to come and stay with me, instead of going home to his apartment.”

Maya remembers that the last time Andrew stayed with Carina had only lasted a few days before he had become too irritated by what he called his sister’s “meddling” and had moved home. Perhaps now that he was getting treatment and taking medication, he would be more receptive to it – although Carina does not look so convinced.

“Well, if anyone can persuade him, you can,” Maya says encouragingly.

Carina smiles. “Thank you, bella.”

They keep the conversation light over lunch and it starts to feel like it used to, fun and easy. Maya regales Carina with the story of their recent rescue of a twelve-year-old girl who had tried to climb out onto the tree that stands outside of her bedroom window, only to get stuck between the glass and the guard rails.

“She was running away from home?” Carina questions.

Maya shakes her head. “She was trying to steal her neighbours’ WiFi. Theirs was broken.”

Carina laughs and the sound makes Maya’s heart flutter, because she has missed it so much.

“Oh, and then there was Tom.”

“Tom?” Carina asks.

“Tom is a superhero fanatic who dressed up as Spiderman and put superglue onto his costume so that he could climb the walls. It was industrial strength glue, too.”

“Oh no…” Carina says, guessing what was coming next.

Maya laughs and nods. “When we found him, he was upside down, his knees and arms were stuck to the ceiling. The only way we could get him down was to cut him out of his costume – which he wasn’t happy about and he spent at least thirty minutes arguing with us about why we needed to come up with a different idea.”

Carina shakes her head incredulously. “Lo stupido!”

“Very stupid,” Maya agrees. “He kept telling us that the costume cost him half a month’s wage and he was going to sue us for destroying his property, then he wriggled the whole time we were trying to get him down. Travis ended up with a black eye and Jack got a foot in his chest.”

She doesn’t realise what she is saying until it is too late. Carina’s body instinctively turns rigid at the mention of Jack’s name and Maya kicks herself for being so stupid.

“Carina, I’m sorry, I…”

Carina shakes her head. “It’s fine,” she says, except her tone tells Maya that it is not fine at all.

“Carina…”

“Maya, don’t,” Carina says, her tone clipped. She starts to clear away their lunch plates, a sign that she doesn’t want this conversation to continue.

Maya watches as she takes the plates into the kitchen, annoyed that the good mood between them has been ruined so easily.

“I told you that I’d transfer to another station if me working with Jack was going to be a problem.”

“It’s not a problem,” Carina says.

“Carina…”

“Maya!”

She drops the plates into the sink and they crash together loudly, causing Maya to jump.

Carina’s shoulders sag. “It’s not a problem,” she says. “I just… I’m still trying to get my head around the idea that you see him every day at work.” She looks across the room to Maya. “That’s not easy for me.”

“I know,” Maya says. “But other than transferring, I don’t know what else I can do to change that. And I don’t know what that means for us.”

The fear in her voice is palpable. Carina pauses, before walking back over to the table and sitting down, reaching out to take Maya’s hands in hers. “It means we’re trying,” she says. “I told you, I need time.”

Maya feels her chest tighten and she drops her gaze, looking down at their hands entwined together. What if they don’t have time? She has been following the news, she knows that a potential lockdown means they might not see each other for weeks, maybe months.

“Okay,” is all she says, willing herself to be patient.

Carina lifts one hand and curls her fingers under Maya’s chin, encouraging her to look up at her. Her newly shortened hair sticks to her cheek and Carina tucks it behind her ear, leaning forwards and capturing her in a kiss. It is needy and intimate, and almost territorial, as if she is reclaiming Maya’s lips for her own after they had strayed. The kiss deepens and Maya’s hands slide up Carina’s thighs, wandering further than Carina wants them to. She doesn’t push her away, but her hands fall on top of Maya’s and she stops them from travelling any further. She doesn’t break the kiss and Maya is left wondering what it all means.

“I love you too,” Carina assures her when they part. She keeps her hands linked with Maya’s. “It’s mild outside, no? Why don’t we walk down to the park and take the cannoli with us?”

There was a time not that long ago that they would have spent the afternoon in bed but the message behind Carina’s actions is clear. Maya knows not to push her too quickly, so she nods her agreement.

The walk to the park is familiar, it is a trip they have done many times on the lazy days they have spent together at Carina’s townhouse. It is a large park, made up of picnic, play and sports areas, a skate park and a spray park for the children. It is Maya’s favourite place to run, she has lost count of the number of hours she has spent following the various paths as her feet hit the gravel. They walk the park trail, hand in hand. There are families scattered about – some with soccer balls, some playing baseball. One father and son duo are flying a kite, the child shrieking with delight every time a gust of wind blows and the kite gets scooped up into the air.

The trail loops the park, weaving in and out of the trees, past an array of flower beds, some trampled by overzealous children who have ignored the signs. Maya’s pace slows down as they come around one bend and reach the bridge where she had last seen Mason. The homeless camp that was once situated there has been moved on, the rubbish disposed of. A row of prickly bushes have been planted along the wall, the kind that don’t need a lot of sunlight, the City Council’s way of preventing the camp from returning.

Her eyes are immediately drawn to the mural that Mason left behind. It is a little faded now, what was once blue now a dusky grey and the reds and oranges dulled into a burnt yellow. Someone has spray-painted graffiti on the wall, the thick black paint catching the edge of the mural.

“Wow, look at that,” Carina observes. “It’s beautiful.”

“Yeah, it is,” Maya says softly.

Carina doesn’t pick up on her tone; instead she pulls out her cell phone and snaps a few photos of the painting. The words are on the tip of Maya’s tongue, but she holds them back. She has never told Carina the story about Mason – not the whole story. It is another thing she has held back from her and she knows that this is a moment when she could put it all out there, but something stops her.

Carina is reeling from her family being sick, Maya reminds herself. And Andrew is still getting better.

Maya tugs at Carina’s hand, guiding her away from the wall, and they walk under the bridge towards the picnic area. They find a free bench and sit side-by-side. Maya opens the box and they both tuck into the cannoli.

“You know, my aunt and uncle make the best cannoli in Catania,” Carina says, licking the ricotta filling from lips.

“The best, huh?” Maya says with a wry smile.

“Award-winning!” Carina insists. “When my Mama and Andrea left, and Papa was working all the time, I used to go to their restaurant after school to do my homework. It didn’t matter what time of day it was, there were always people eating there – locals and tourists. Everyone loves it there. It’s always such a happy place.” Her face falls. “I hate to think of it empty like it is now.”

With Italy under a strict lockdown, her aunt and uncle’s business is in danger of going bust and Carina can’t imagine the city she grew up in without the Rossi family restaurant in it.

“You miss your family a lot,” Maya notes.

Carina shrugs. “They were there for me when Mama and Andrea were gone. My Zia Alice took me shopping for a new dress for the school dance and my Zio Roberto taught me to make his famous grissini. My Zio Eduardo – the one who is in hospital – he taught me how to drive. When this boy in my class was being mean to me about Papa, my cousin, Matteo, punched him – even though he was two years younger than me, he was there to stick up for me.”

She smiles at the memories. “I missed them before Italy went into lockdown but I knew that I could just jump on a plane and visit if I wanted to. And now I can’t and that makes the distance between us seem even bigger.”

Maya reaches out and places her hand on Carina’s arm, squeezing it gently.

“Well maybe when the worst of this coronavirus is over, we can go visit them?” Maya suggests. “After all, you’re the one who finally got me to take a vacation. And I’d love to see where you grew up.”

“Maya, I think it’s going to be a while before the worst of it is over,” Carina says with a sad smile.

“I know.” Maya isn’t naïve, she has been reading the news and talking to Ben, and pouring over the city’s plans for a lockdown.

Her mind goes to Mason again. He is still living on the streets for all she knows and she worries about him all the time, not knowing if he is safe. Now there is the threat of a pandemic and she feels helpless knowing that she cannot protect him from it.

Picking up on her anxiety, Carina turns her hand over and links her fingers through Maya’s.

“Hey. I would love to take you to Italy to meet my family one day.”

Maya brightens. “Really?”

Carina smiles. “Really.”

Their heads move at the same time, leaning in to one another, their lips meeting in a soft kiss. When they part, Carina rests her head on Maya’s shoulder.

“I’m glad we did this today,” she says. “I needed to see you.”

“Me too,” Maya says. She plants a kiss on Carina’s hair, leaning her cheek against the top of her head. They sit in silence, Carina’s thumb caressing her skin, and the moment in Carina’s townhouse is forgotten.

Maya’s phone starts to buzz with an incoming call and she extracts it from her pocket, tipping the screen towards her where Andy’s named flashes at her. She hits the red button and resolves to call her back later.

Except her phone rings again.

“Maybe you should get that,” Carina says, noting Andy’s persistence.

Maya hits decline again. “I’ll call her back later.”

It is on the third call that Maya finally answers. “Andy, I can’t talk right now. Can I call you…”

Andy starts to talk over her and Maya has no choice but to let her speak, listening intently as she talks fast. Maya catches the important part.

“She’s what?”

Carina hears the shock in Maya’s voice and lifts her head from her shoulder, curious about what has caused such a reaction.

“Are you sure?” Maya asks. “Okay, okay. Uh, do you still have a spare key to my place? Okay, I’ll meet you there as soon as I can.”

She hangs up and shoots Carina an apologetic look. “I have to go, I’m sorry.”

“Is everything okay?” Carina asks.

“It’s Andy… she says her mom’s alive.”

Carina’s brow furrows and she shakes her head, confused.

“Her mom died when Andy was nine years old,” Maya explains. “At least, that’s what Pruitt told her. He said her mom was sick and she died. It’s why she was practically raised at Station 19. Since Pruitt died, she’s been spiralling. We…” She stops herself from talking about their fight, doesn’t want to bring up that day at the station again. “She’s been convinced that he was keeping something from her. I guess she was right.”

Carina’s eyes widen at the story. “You should go and make sure she’s okay.”

“I know, but I don’t want to leave you alone,” Maya says, feeling torn.

“It’s okay, I’ll be fine,” Carina says. “I think Andy needs you more than I do right now.”

“Can I see you again this week? Dinner. Maybe… maybe you could stay over?”

She notices Carina’s non-committed smile and tries not to get her hopes up.

“Maybe,” Carina says. “Send me your work schedule and we’ll figure it out.”

They make their way back to Carina’s townhouse and say goodbye on the sidewalk with a lingering hug.

“Call me if you need me,” Maya says, glad when she feels Carina nod against her shoulder.

Her mind is on Carina the whole journey home and she licks her lips as she remembers the taste of her kiss and the warmth of her mouth pressed against hers. She holds on to that feeling and pushes away any doubt that she will not be able to do enough to get them back to where they were before she slept with Jack.

Andy is waiting for her when she gets home, two bottles of beer sat on the table where Andy sits quietly.

“Hey,” Maya says as she steps inside, dropping her keys on the table and shrugging off her jacket.

Andy looks up, her face ashen like she hasn’t slept. Maya sits down at the table as Andy slides one of the beer bottles towards her. She doesn’t bother with pleasantries.

“What happened?”

“I went to the motel where my Tia Sandra is staying. I wanted to know the truth about my mom. I thought…” She shakes her head. “I thought the secret that my dad had been keeping from me was that my mom had killed herself. And it turns out she wasn’t dead at all.”

Andy takes a large gulp of beer as Maya tries to process what Andy is saying.

“I… why?” is all Maya can think of to say.

“Because of me,” Andy says. “Because she hated being a mom. Because she resented me for taking her away from the job she loved. Because having me made her angry and depressed.”

“She blamed you?” Maya says incredulously.

“Not exactly,” Andy says. “She says she loves me. But she never said she was sorry. And I don’t think she is, I don’t think she would change what she did if she had the choice. Because I wasn’t enough for her.”

“Andy, this isn’t on you,” Maya says. “Whatever her reasons, you were a child.”

She can see Andy’s mind working overtime as she processes everything that has happened over the last few days.

“Did she say where she’s been or why she stayed away for so long?”

“New York,” Andy answers. “She never planned on coming back, even when my dad got on his knees and begged her. But with him dying and me asking questions, I guess she thought that her secret wouldn’t stay a secret for much longer.”

Maya takes a swig of her beer. “What was it like, seeing her after all this time?”

Andy shrugs. “Am I supposed to be happy to see her? Because I’m not. I’m angry. I’m so angry, Maya. And I have all these questions that I wanna ask my dad, and I can’t, because he’s dead. My dad is dead and my mom’s alive, and those are two things that shouldn’t be true, but they are.”

She necks her beer.

“That is one hell of a mind fuck,” Maya says. “Are you okay?”

Andy lets out a short laugh. “I don’t know. No?” She leans back in her chair and looks at Maya. “Are you?” She gestures at Maya’s hair. “I heard about what happened with your dad.”

The mention of her father makes Maya’s skin prickle and she starts to pick at the label on the beer bottle in her hands as a distraction.

“I don’t think I’ll be invited round for family lunch any time soon,” she says bitterly.

“And your mom?”

“I haven’t talked to her yet,” Maya says guiltily. “I will, I just… I’ve been trying to fix things with Carina.”

“Carina will understand. So you snapped at her, when she knows what you put up with when you were a kid, she’ll get it,” Andy tries to reassure her.

Maya’s eyes drop. “It’s more complicated than that.”

“Complicated how?” Andy questions.

“I cheated on her,” Maya admits.

“Cheated as in…?”

“I slept with Jack.” She lifts her eyes to see Andy’s face full of disbelief.

Andy purses her lips and whistles through them. “Damn Maya. When?”

“That day at the station when you and I got into that argument,” Maya says. The story spills out and she tells Andy about her fight with Carina, and how she ended up in bed with Jack and then threw it in Carina’s face, and how she has regretted it ever since.

“…and somehow she’s found it in her heart to forgive me. And still…”

“Still?”

Maya sighs. “We were walking in the park earlier and we passed Mason’s mural. The one under the bridge,” she says. “I didn’t tell her it was his. I’ve never told her what happened.”

“Why not?” Andy asks.

“I can’t,” Maya says. “You know, we talked on Friday, I told her everything about my dad. I was more honest with her than I’ve ever been with anyone. But how can I tell her this? Her brother is sick and she has done everything she can to help him. My brother was sick and I…”

“Maya, what happened to Mason wasn’t your fault,” Andy says. “Talk to her. Knowing what she does about your dad and what it was like growing up in that house, she’s gonna understand.”

“Will she?”

“Maya, she loves you. And you love her. And not being honest with her just ends with things getting messy.”

“I know that now,” Maya says.

“Look, I’ve never seen you as happy as you’ve been these last few months since you met Carina. That’s something worth fighting for, trust me. So you’ve had a hiccup – she’s forgiven you. You need to forgive yourself and focus on what you’ve got, which is an insanely hot woman who is crazy about you. Things might not be perfect now, but hang in there – I think she’s worth it.”

As if she knows she is being talked about, Maya’s phone lights up with a message from Carina. Andy waves her hand at the phone, encouraging her to read it, and stands up to retrieve another beer from the fridge as Maya opens the message.

Thank you for being there today, I’m glad you were. Dinner this week would be great, let me know when you’re free. I hope Andy is ok. I love you. C xx

Maya smiles as she realises that Andy is right.  

“I think she’s worth it too.”

Chapter Text

Carina pours over the latest scans of her mama-to-be, triplets due within the next couple of months thanks to a successful round of IVF. The two girls and one boy have been cocooned in their mama’s belly for the last thirty weeks, and hopefully will be for a little bit longer, but Carina wants to be prepared given the likelihood of an early labour. Work has been a useful distraction so far today, keeping her mind from wandering too often to her family in Italy and her uncle in hospital. A message from her cousin this morning told her that her uncle was stable on the ventilator but it is too soon to know if he will recover.

She sent a message to her father this morning as well and he is yet to reply, another thing that is playing on her mind. She has no idea what frame of mind he is in or how he is dealing with the pandemic, and it leaves a heavy feeling in the pit of her stomach.

The only thing that has cheered her up is a message from Maya, reminding her of their dinner date this evening. A few days have passed since their lunch on Sunday and Carina is grateful for the space as she gets her head around everything that has happened recently. She feels the constant push and pull of her heart versus her head – her heart telling her to jump back in, but her head always reminding her of what happened.

She misses the more intimate moments, craving Maya’s body pressed up against hers and her warms hands on her skin. She misses Maya’s lips exploring every inch of her body and the ripple of pleasure that courses through her when Maya does that thing with her tongue, something that her favourite pink friend can’t replicate. Just thinking about Maya makes Carina’s body ache for her physical presence.

“Knock knock,” comes a voice at the same time as a soft tap on the door, pulling Carina out of her daydream.

She looks up just as Amelia steps into the room, each hand carrying a Styrofoam cup fresh from the cart outside. She is dressed casually in jeans and a sweater, her navy coat swinging open.

“Hey, got time for a coffee?”

“Of course,” Carina says, waving her hand at the chair on the other side of the desk.

Amelia steps inside and gently kicks the door closed behind her, then walks across the office, placing one cup of steaming hot coffee in front of Carina before sitting down.

“Thanks,” Carina says, lifting the lid off the cup and inhaling the scent of the coffee. “No baby?”

“Link wanted to take him to the ortho ward to show him off,” Amelia says with a proud smile. She leans back in her chair. “So… how are things? Don’t think I didn’t hear about your make out session with a certain hot firefighter by the coffee cart last week.” The motive for her visit becomes apparent and Amelia flashes Carina a look that tells her she is waiting for the juicy details.

“We’re working things out,” Carina says coyly. “You were right. What you said about Maya wanting to self-destruct, there was some truth in that. We talked and she was finally able to be honest with me about it.” Carina doesn’t share any of the detail, not willing to break Maya’s trust after all it had taken for her to open up.

“And how did that go?” Amelia asks. She had seen how deep Maya’s betrayal had cut and is astute enough to know that Carina’s forgiveness was not easily earned.

“Awful,” Carina admitted, unable to stop her body from tensing. She exhales slowly. “I mean, I wanted to know what happened, to understand it – but to hear it? It was like feeling my heart break all over again.”

“You forgive her, right?”

“I do,” Carina says. 

Amelia picks up on the slight hesitation in her voice. “But?”

“She wants me to trust her. And I want to trust her,” Carina says. “I just… don’t know how. We had lunch on Sunday and she was talking about her last shift at work, and she mentioned him. And for a moment I was right back there in my head, that night she came home and told me what she’d done.” She shakes her head. “And I know she’s sorry, I believe her and I forgive her, and I love her. I just…”

“Can’t forget?”

Carina nods. “How do we get back to what we were before if it’s always going to be between us?”

It feels like an impossible question to answer but Carina looks at Amelia, hoping that the neurosurgeon has some words of wisdom for her, like she has before. 

“Maybe that’s your problem,” Amelia says.

Carina frowns. “What do you mean?”

Amelia leans forward in her seat. “I mean, maybe you shouldn’t go back to what you were before. Because what you were before – broke.” Her bluntness is countered by the kind smile she wears. “You broke and now you’re piecing yourselves back together. But you don’t have to rebuild yourselves into the same shape, you’re not a jigsaw. Be a… a collage.”

Carina gets a little lost in her metaphor, but she understands the point of it. Maybe she is too hung up on trying to get back to where they were right before Maya’s infidelity instead of figuring out who they are now. After all, she can feel the change in herself as much as in Maya.

“You are very wise, Amelia,” Carina says. “Thank you.”

“Well, it’s one of my many talents,” Amelia says with a grin. “Which you would know more about if you hadn’t turned down my invite for a ménage à trois. But hey, me getting pregnant turned out just as good for you as it did for me.”

Carina knows she is teasing and she tips her head back, the tension she holds dropping from her shoulders as she laughs.

“You are happy, yes? With Link and Scout?”

The answer is written all over Amelia’s face. “Ridiculously happy.”

Carina returns her smile. “I’m happy for you. You deserve it, Amelia.”

“I do, don’t I?” Amelia says gleefully. She settles back in her chair. “So, now we’ve sorted out your love life, tell me all about what’s been going on with Teddy, Owen and Tom.”

Carina’s brow furrows with confusion and she shakes her head. “Teddy, Owen and Tom?”

“You haven’t heard?” Amelia exclaims, her voice returning to its gossipy tone.

Amelia launches into the story of Teddy’s affair and the unfortunate voicemail, and Carina quickly realises why Teddy was so quick to encourage her to forgive Maya that day – she wants the same thing from Owen. Carina feels sad for them, she had seen how much love there was between them the day that Allison was born.

Amelia’s story is cut short by an emergency that calls Carina away to the pit. They hug goodbye and Carina promises to visit soon, even though she knows the pandemic will probably stop her.

As she reaches the emergency room, a nurse points her in the direction of trauma room one. “Patient is nineteen weeks pregnant, her car got trapped under a fallen tree. Physically, she has a broken arm and some cuts and bruises, but her blood pressure is high, one-fifty over ninety. Doctor Schmitt and Doctor Helm are with her.”

Carina gives her thanks and makes her way to the trauma room. She spies a firefighter in the doorway, his jacket embossed with Higgins, a name that Carina knows as one of Maya’s B shift team. He backs out when he sees her coming and she nods at him in recognition. Her eyes immediately go to the gurney, already starting to assess her patient, and she doesn’t see the other firefighter until they crash into one another.

“Sorry.”

She recognises his voice immediately, her jaw clenching as she comes face to face with Jack Gibson.

“Carina.”

She feels the anger towards him awaken inside of her. “Move,” she cuts him off before he can say anything else.

Without another word, Jack steps aside obediently and Carina goes to her patient, listening carefully as Schmitt updates her on the tests he is running. She compartmentalises and pushes Jack out of her mind, concentrating on the job in hand. She orders a beta blocker to bring her patient’s blood pressure down and sends a medical student to fetch the ultrasound so that she can carry out a quick scan of the baby.

“Sammy?” she says gently to the woman lying on the table in front of her. “My name’s Doctor DeLuca. I’m going to have a quick look at your baby and make sure that everything is okay. How does your tummy feel?”

Sammy sniffs and wipes away the tears that refuse to stop falling down her cheeks. “O…okay.”

“No pain or contractions?”

Sammy shakes her head. “No. It feels the same as it did this morning.”

“That’s good,” Carina says with a smile. “Have you been feeling the baby move yet?”

“A little. Um, I think I felt it in the ambulance,” Sammy answers.

“Okay,” Carina says. The med student returns with the ultrasound. “Let’s have a quick check, okay.” She looks around the room. “Helm, you stay. Everyone else, out please.”

Her voice is calm, but authoritative, and everyone follows her orders. Carina closes the door after them, but not after catching sight of Jack hovering by the nurses’ station. The anger rises inside of her again and she pushes it down once more. Helm stays by Sammy’s side, holding her hand and talking to her calmy as Carina lifts the woman’s top.

“The gel might feel a little cold,” Carina warns as she squeezes some onto the small bump.

She moves the transducer across Sammy’s belly. Despite her many years of experience, Carina still finds herself on edge during a trauma assessment until she hears the baby’s heartbeat. This one comes quickly and she smiles as Sammy cries out in relief at hearing her baby’s heart thumping gently in her belly.

“Baby’s heart is strong,” Carina says. She moves the transducer around and captures some photos. “Do you want to know the sex?”

“Oh, I… my boyfriend and I said we wanted it to be a surprise,” Sammy says. “Except… I mean, if you know then maybe I can know?”

Carina hides her smirk. It is not the first time that a pregnant mama has wanted to know the sex when presented with the opportunity. Still, she doesn’t want to be the cause of a fight between Sammy and her boyfriend.

“Are you sure? Maybe you should wait until your boyfriend gets here?”

“I guess,” Sammy says.

Carina smiles. “Well, I’m going to let Doctor Schmitt and Doctor Helm finish stitching up your arm and your head. I’ll come by later to check on you, okay?”

“Thank you, Doctor DeLuca,” Sammy says.

Carina looks at Helm. “Let me know if her blood pressure spikes.”

With a squeeze of Sammy’s leg to say goodbye, Carina makes her way out of the trauma room, her eyes instinctively rolling when she sees Jack waiting for her.

“Carina, I…”

“I don’t want to hear it, not from you,” Carina says, refusing to look at him. She stands at the nurses’ station and scrolls through her tablet until she finds Sammy’s medical notes.

“I’m sorry,” Jack says. “I know that it doesn’t mean much, but I am. I’m sorry.”

She can hear the remorse in his voice and she turns to face him. It was Maya’s betrayal, not Jack’s – she knows that – but she can’t help but feel some hatred towards the man that helped rip her relationship apart. Except now she and Maya are finding their way, and Andrea is coming home soon, but her family are getting sick and the pandemic is looming over them all, and she just doesn’t have the energy to be angry with Jack. It is too much on top of everything else and she would rather focus on the good than the bad. His apology is genuine and she decides to accept it with good grace, because there is no point in hating him. He is not worth it.

“Okay,” is all she says.

Jack is taken aback from the ease in which she accepts his apology.

“O… we’re okay?” He frowns, clearly confused.

“No,” Carina says matter-of-factly. “We’re not anything. We don’t know each other. I’m just not interested in being angry with you, Jack.” She takes a deep breath. “But what happened between you and Maya will never happen again, right?”

It is not really a question and she glares at him, her Italian temper flaring in her eyes and sending him a warning shot. Jack sees it and he takes a step back instinctively, as if he is worried she is about to clock him with her fist.

“Right,” Jack says.

“Okay then,” Carina says, turning away from him and picking up the tablet again to update her patient’s records.

Jack takes the hint and she feels him walk away. Despite the fractious moment between them, Carina feels relieved to have seen him. It is not like they hang out, but with Maya and Jack both working at Station 19, Jack is a part of her life, whether Carina likes it or not, and at least that first awkward meeting has been done.

She types up her notes on Sammy’s chart, only lifting her eyes when she hears a familiar voice.

“Josey, could I have a new tablet, please? Mine’s lost its charge.”

Carina looks up in time to see Nurse Josey turn away from Teddy, ignoring her request and busying herself with a stack of papers on the other side of the desk. Carina turns her head towards Teddy, whose face flushes with embarrassment. Carina guesses that news of Teddy’s affair with Tom has spread, which isn’t unusual in this hospital, and it is obvious that some people are taking sides. Carina can’t help but feel sorry for her. She finishes her notes and holds out her tablet.

“Here, I’m finished with this one,” she says kindly.

Teddy’s shoulders sag and she smiles gratefully. “Thanks.”

Carina takes a step towards her. Her eyes glance towards Nurse Josey, who gets called away to one of the patient bays, giving them a moment alone in the busy ER.

“Are you okay?”

Teddy lets out a small, sad laugh. “No. But it’s my fault.”

Carina’s silence tells her that she doesn’t disagree.

“Why don’t you hate me too?” Teddy asks curiously. “I mean, I did to Owen what Maya did to you.”

“I don’t think it’s that simple,” Carina says. “Besides, it’s not my place to hate you. I might not like what you did to Owen, or understand it, but it’s not for me to judge you.” She has no idea why Teddy slept with Tom – and she doesn’t want to know. But what she has learned is that not every action has the intention to hurt, sometimes people make mistakes.

Teddy visibly softens, as if Carina is the only person who has been nice to her today. “Thank you.”

With a grateful smile, Teddy scuttles off, keeping her head down and avoiding all eye contact – not that anyone would look her in the eye anyway.

Carina turns on her heel as she starts her way back to her office. As she heads down the hallway, she hears someone calling her name. She looks over her shoulder to see Miranda Bailey marching towards her.

“Doctor Bailey, how can I help?” Carina says.

“Do you have a minute?” Bailey asks, guiding her to one side of the hallway.

Carina immediately feels on edge. “Is everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine,” Bailey says. “At least, I hope it is. I had a call from Andrew this afternoon. He wants to come back to work when he leaves Bellevue next week.”

“I know, he told me that he was going to ask you,” Carina says. She feels her heart beat a little faster. As good as Bailey has been about her brother’s Bipolar and helping to get him into a residential facility, she knows it is a big ask for him to come back to work at the hospital. “He wanted me to put in a good word for him.”

Bailey smirks. “I bet he did.” She turns serious. “I have an Attending vacancy. He’s proved that he’s good enough – and I don’t just mean what he did to save Doctor Webber. He’s a good doctor and God knows we’re going to need him soon.”

Carina knows she is talking about the pandemic. There are emails every day about the hospital’s emergency plans.

“Is there any reason why I shouldn’t make him an offer?”

Carina can’t tell her motivation for asking, but she has her brother’s back, always.

“He’s good,” she says with confidence. “He’s doing really well, I’m picking him up on Monday. I think you should give him a week or two when he gets home, but he’s ready.”

Bailey nods, accepting Carina’s reassurance easily. “Okay then. I’ll have the paperwork drawn up. Have him come by and see me next week,” she says, then spins and walks away.

Carina can’t help but grin. It is some good news amongst everything else that is happening in the world right now, and she practically skips back to her office, knowing how happy Andrew will be when he hears that he has a job waiting for him.

The afternoon passes quickly after that. Sammy’s boyfriend arrives and they decide not to learn the sex of their baby. Her blood pressure stays steady at 110/70 and Carina agrees to her discharge. Another emergency grabs her attention, this time brought in by paramedics so Carina is spared another encounter with Jack.

She swings by her townhouse after work to get changed into something more comfortable. The overnight bag she usually takes to Maya’s apartment sits in the corner of her room where she had slung it two weeks ago after their split and she pauses for a moment, still unsure about spending the night with her girlfriend. There is sense in what Amelia said, but it still feels like a leap when they are trying to figure out how they fit together after everything that has happened between them. She leaves it in the corner of the room, an instruction to herself not to jump in too quickly.

She arrives at Maya’s apartment just after seven o’clock. One of Maya’s neighbours lets her in through the front door and she takes the elevator to the apartment. She can smell dinner cooking from the hallway, strong aromas of garlic and paprika filling her nostrils. Maya opens the door and Carina sees her eyes drop to her empty hands, noticing that Carina left her overnight bag behind. She steps back, inviting Carina inside. Her short hair has been styled and cut short so that it is not much longer than the nape of her neck.

Carina walks inside. “Your hair looks good.” She takes off her coat and hangs it on an empty hook, then slips out of her boots.

Maya smiles, her hand going to the back of her head and smoothing her hair down awkwardly. “It feels weird, I haven’t had hair this short since I was a kid.”

“Have you heard from your dad?” Carina asks cautiously. She can sense that Maya is still coming to terms with what happened and doesn’t want to upset her.

Maya shakes her head. “Knowing my dad, at some point I’ll get a message from him telling me that he forgives me for what happened – like it was my fault.” She rolls her eyes. “It’s part of his mind games.” Her drops her head and lowers her gaze, turning to move further into the apartment.

“Hey,” Carina says gently, slipping her hand around Maya’s waist and causing her to pause. She places a soft kiss on Maya’s cheek, feeling her relax relaxes immediately.

Maya smiles as she runs her hands down Carina’s arms until they reach her hands, taking them in her own and pulling her towards the couch where a bottle of wine and two glasses wait for them.

“I did call my mom though,” Maya says as she sits down, one foot tucked underneath her.

Carina sits beside her. “How did it go?”

“It was okay. We didn’t talk for long. I, uh, I made plans to see her for lunch on Friday,” Maya says.

“You’re nervous?” Carina says, picking up on her anxiety.

“I don’t know what to say to her,” Maya says. “I feel guilty that I didn’t listen to her when she came to the station. She was trying to tell me, she was trying to help me see it, and I pushed her away.” She sighs. “And I feel… angry with her.”

She doesn’t look at Carina as she admits it.

“I know what you’re going to say,” Maya says. “She was a victim too, and I get that. But I’m still angry with her. For not stopping him, for not doing more to protect us. And I feel guilty about that too.”

“That’s a lot of guilt to carry,” Carina notes.

Maya shrugs. Carina reaches out and rests her hand on Maya’s knee.

“I know it’s hard for you bella, but you need to be honest with her. Even if it might upset her. It’ll be worth it – for you and your mom and your relationship. Si?”

Maya nods and Carina can see that there is something else on her mind.

“Maya?”

“I wish… I wish I could talk to Mason about it too,” Maya says.

“He doesn’t stay in touch with your mom?” Carina wonders.

“I don’t think so,” Maya says. She takes a deep breath and Carina can tell that she is mustering up courage to say something. “You remember when we were at the park on Sunday and we saw that mural under the bridge?”

Carina nods.

“Mason painted it.”

Carina’s eyebrows arch with surprise. “He did?”

Maya nods. “The last time I saw him was under that bridge. I was trying to convince him to come and stay with me, but he wouldn’t. He was too mad at me. So I bought him soup and blankets, and paint and paintbrushes, because it was the only thing I knew to do to reach out to him. And the next time I went to the park, Mason was gone but the painting was there.”

Carina pulls out her cell phone and scrolls through her photos to find the snap of the mural that she had taken that day. “It’s a beautiful piece of art, he’s good.”

“Yeah, he is,” Maya says with a small smile.

“Your dad…” Carina says slowly. “He was cruel to Mason also?”

Maya doesn’t answer straight away and she feels Carina squeeze her arm in encouragement.

“It was different for Mason. My dad didn’t have a lot of time for him – because of me,” Maya says.

“Because of your running?”

“Not at first. Mason started running when I did, except I was better – faster – and so my dad gave all of his attention to me. Mason got into art, but that wasn’t good enough for my dad. It was never going to win any gold medals, you know?” She looks up at Carina. “I convinced myself it was better for Mason that way. That being ignored was better than having all of dad’s focus and expectations. I thought that if I could carry that burden, Mason would be happier. But that was stupid.”

Maya shakes her head, silently berating herself for not seeing it sooner.

“When he was in the ninth grade, his art teacher showcased this painting of a hummingbird that he’d done. It was incredible. Mom and I went to his art show, and he was so proud of himself, and we were proud of him too. Except his eyes kept drifting to the door because he was waiting for my dad to show up. And he never did.”

“Poor Mason,” Carina mutters.

“I think it wasn’t long after that night that he started to smoke pot. One day, when Mason was at school, my dad found his stash hidden under his mattress. He got home to find his room trashed and all his drawing pencils broken in half, and my dad… my dad had ripped up his hummingbird painting.”

She closes her eyes, blinking away the tears that start to pool. When she opens them, Carina is waiting patiently for her to continue.

“Mason was angry. I told him to channel that anger into his art. Embrace the pain, you know? But we’re not the same, me and him, and he wallowed in that anger. He kept getting high. Sometimes it was like he was flaunting it in my dad’s face. And when he got into art school, my parents refused to pay for it and he lost his place.”

“That must have upset him,” Carina says.

“Yeah,” Maya says glumly. “I thought it was just weed, but one day we were in the kitchen and he was rooting around the cupboards to fill his backpack with snacks. We got into a fight about something, I don’t remember what – probably something dumb – and when he grabbed his bag off the counter, this tin fell onto the floor. There was a needle inside of it.”

Maya’s face turns dark and angry.

“I should have done something. I should have told someone, but I knew my dad would hit the roof and I wanted to protect Mason from that. I thought I owed him that. So I made him throw the needle away and he promised that he wouldn’t do it any more.” Her voice trembles. “We didn’t’ talk about it again and I thought that he’d listened to me. Except, the day I won my gold medal, he overdosed.”

Carina can’t hide the shock from her face. “Oh, Maya.”

“It got even worse after that. My mom tried to get him help, but my dad decided that he wasn’t worth the effort. Somehow my mom persuaded him not to kick Mason out of the house, but it didn’t matter because Mason left anyway and he moved in with some friends. Not the right sort of friends.” She grimaces ruefully. “He OD’d again the next year. I was in the fire academy by then and I was studying at Andy’s house when my mom called to tell me. I think that one scared him, because he was more willing to let us help him then. And it was Captain Herrera who helped me get him into a rehab programme through his connections at SFD.”

She smiles fondly at the memory of her old captain.

“Mason got clean but as soon as he got out of rehab, he pretty much disappeared. For a while, he was staying with friends – different friends this time, but he wasn’t interested in reconnecting with any of us, not while Dad was around. Then, five years later, I got a call from Ryan who told me that Mason had been arrested for stealing art supplies. The store owners didn’t press charges, thankfully. I tried to get him to come home with me but he still didn’t want anything to do with me. That’s when I found out he was living on the streets.”

Carina remembers what Maya told her once, that Mason didn’t want to be found. She is starting to understand why.

“I wanted to tell you on Sunday, but I didn’t because – because I’m so ashamed,” Maya admits.

Carina frowns. “Ashamed of what?”

“All of it. I’m mad at my mom but I guess I’m also mad at myself, because I could’ve protected him and I didn’t,” Maya says, her voice starting to wobble as she speaks. “And I’ve watched you move mountains to help your brother.”

“Maya…” Carina shuffles forwards, taking Maya’s hands in hers. “They are two different things.”

“Are they?” Maya challenges her. “Every time Andrew pushed you away, you tried again and again. I saw it, Carina, you never gave up. I did.”

“Because, even though you didn’t know it, you were dealing with what your dad did to you too,” Carina argues back. “Maya, you can’t blame yourself for this.”

“But I could’ve done more,” Maya says.

“Everyone feels like that, but it’s not always possible,” Carina says. “Not until the person we’re trying to help accepts it from us. I learned that from Andrea. And you know who helped me see it?” She smiles. “You did, Maya. Mason knows where you are, he knows you just want to help him. And when he’s ready, we’ll be there, okay?”

“Okay,” Maya says with a small nod of her head, picking up on Carina’s emphasis on ‘we’. “Thank you.”

“Thank you for telling me. I’m glad that I know,” Carina says. She picks up Maya’s hands and kisses each one tenderly.

“We promised to be honest with each other, right?”

Carina nods. “We did. And speaking of being honest…” she starts.

“Uh oh,” Maya says, her eyes growing wider in anticipation what Carina is about to say.

“I saw Jack at the hospital today.”

Maya gulps. “Jack?”

Carina nods. “He was working with…” She hesitates, forgetting the name. “Hutchins?”

“Higgins,” Maya corrects her.

“Ah si. They brought in a mama from a car accident.”

“There’s a stomach bug making its way through B shift, Jack said he’d cover,” Maya says, clearly on edge. “Was it…”

“Okay? No,” Carina answers honestly. “I’ve been so caught up in you and us, that I didn’t really think about Jack’s part in all this. Seeing him today brought it all back. And it’s not like I’m dating Jack…” She pulls a face, as if the thought is appalling. “But he knew about us, and whether he knew what you were going through or not, he still could’ve stopped it.”

“I know it doesn’t change what happened,” Maya says, “but Jack’s been going through some stuff as well. I think, that day, we were both in a mind space that we just wanted to get out of for a moment.”

Carina looks away, trying to stop her head from going back to that night. She wishes that the memory would go away, that she could cut it out of her head and throw it in the trash.

“It’s not an excuse,” Maya says. “And I know that I’ve asked enough from you recently, by asking you to forgive me for what I did. But I hope that, maybe, you might find it in that big heart of yours to forgive him too.”

Carina purses her lips. “Maybe,” she says non-committedly.

Maya leans forward and plants a soft kiss on Carina’s cheek, mimicking her greeting from earlier that evening. Carina turns her head a little, just enough for Maya’s lips to sweep across her skin to her mouth, where she leaves a gentle kiss. Carina deepens the kiss and can feel Maya’s hesitancy about how far this make out session might go after Carina’s brush off at the weekend. She lets her heart lead her as she launches forward, pushing Maya down into the soft cushions and setting between her legs. Her lips begin their descent down Maya’s neck, nipping and sucking her skin.

“Hmm, wait, wait,” Maya says, pulling away a little.

Carina lifts herself up. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Maya says. “Nothing’s wrong. In fact, everything’s starting to feel good again. It’s just, you didn’t bring your overnight bag and I thought…?”

Carina sits back on to her knees. “I know. I thought I wasn’t ready. I thought that it was too fast to go back to what we were before, but…” Amelia’s words resonate in her head. “…I don’t want us to go back to what we were before.”

Maya looks worried and Carina shoots her a placating smile.

“I want us to be better.” She leans in. “We’re already better, Maya. And I don’t want to waste any more time.”

Any doubts she had have gone. It is time to put the past behind them and look to the future, and she knows that Maya feels it too. Her eyes sweep over Maya’s features, watching as her lips curl into a smile.

“Thank God,” Maya says. “I was starting to think we might never get past second base.”

Carina rolls her eyes. “You Americans and your “bases”. What does that even mean?”

“Well, first base is a kiss,” Maya says, leaning in and pressing her mouth against Carina’s. She sweeps her tongue over Carina’s lips.

“Hmm,” Carina says. “And what’s second base?”

“Second base, things start to get a little… handsy,” Maya says. It is her turn to push Carina back into the cushions and she runs her hand down Carina’s body before resting on her hips as she lowers herself down on top of her. “Third base, the hands disappear.” She slips her hand under Carina’s shirt, her palm warm against Carina’s abs and teasing the top of her pants.

Carina’s breath hitches in her throat. “And fourth base?”

“That’s the home run,” Maya says with a grin.

Carina shakes her head. “It’s a terrible metaphor.”

Maya chuckles. “It is,” she agrees. “But you know, going all the way is great for building up an appetite.” She lowers her head and catches Carina’s lips in a kiss.

Carina sinks deeper into the couch as Maya presses her body weight into her body, her hips bucking and her legs wrapping around Maya’s thighs. In that moment, everything feels right again.

Chapter Text

Maya arrives for lunch ten minutes early and picks a seat in the corner of the restaurant. She has chosen a small French bistro, away from the hustle and bustle of the busy streets, hoping that it will be quiet and give them the privacy she wants.

It has been raining non-stop all morning and it beats against the windows. She had picked a window seat so that she could keep an eye out for her mother’s arrival, but the rain obscures her view so she is left waiting nervously. She distracts herself with place setting in front of her, straightening her cutlery and twisting her water glass until the restaurant’s logo faces her.

She wishes she had taken up Carina’s offer to come with her, so that her girlfriend was there to keep her calm, except she knows this is a conversation that she needs to have with her mother alone.

Their brief talk on the phone a few days ago had been stilted. Maya has never had a close relationship with her mom; she was always her father’s daughter, spending all those hours with him at the track. Until her mom’s visit to the station a couple of weeks ago, they have never talked about her dad and how he treated them. Even when Mason was in the hospital after his two overdoses, they didn’t talk about why. Maya wouldn’t acknowledge her father’s part in it back then.

She takes a deep breath as she checks her watch, watching the time tick by slowly. Katherine Bishop arrives a couple of minutes before one o’clock, always prompt, and is shown to their table.

“Hello sweetheart,” Katherine greets her.

“Hey Mom,” Maya says. She half stands, but her mom moves to hug her and Maya isn’t ready for that so she sits back down again.

Katherine notices but doesn’t say anything, although her face is shadowed with disappointment. She shrugs off her jacket and passes it to the nearby waiter, thanking him, and sits down opposite her daughter.

“You’ve cut your hair,” Katherine observes.

Maya runs her hand through her short locks until her fingers stroke the back of her neck. She is still getting used to that feeling.

“Yeah, I… fancied a change,” Maya says vaguely. That is a story she isn’t sure she’s ready to share with her mom just yet.

Katherine smiles. “Well, it suits you.” She looks around the restaurant, taking in the dark wood beams, the rows of wine bottles, and the paintings of various landmarks that France is well known for. “You know, I always wanted to go to France,” she comments. “Maybe I will now.”

It is an innocent comment, but they both know what it means.

Now that she has left her husband and is no longer under his tight control.

An awkward silence falls between them for a moment, and Maya gets the feeling it won’t be the only time that happens today.

“The menu looks nice,” Katherine says, changing the subject.

“Yeah, they do good food,” Maya says. “Carina and I have come here a few times.”

Katherine keeps her curiosity about Carina to herself for now; she simply smiles, noticing the way her daughter’s eyes light up at the mention of the other woman.

The waiter comes back and fills their tumblers with water. “Would you like to know the specials?”

“Sure,” Maya says, grateful for the distraction from the small talk they are making.

The waiter reels off the daily specials but Maya is only half listening. She is too busy thinking about the conversation they are yet to have. The conversation about him.

Lost in her own mind for a moment, Maya suddenly realises that the waiter is looking expectantly at her.

“Oh, uh, I’ll have the sea bass please,” she says.

Katherine orders the chicken and a bottle of wine for them to share. Maya watches as she sits back in her chair as the waiter pulls the cork from the bottle and pours them each a glass. She is more at ease than Maya has ever seen her. Her hair is still the same, limp and dark blonde, but her skin looks brighter. Her cheeks are coloured with a hint of blush and her eyelashes are dark from the mascara she wears, making her look younger than her fifty-five years. She wears a deep red blouse, a far cry from the bland clothes that Maya is used to seeing her in.

“You’ve been shopping,” Maya comments, nodding towards her new top.

“A friend of mine took me shopping and insisted on making me buy something that I wouldn’t normally wear,” Katherine says. She pulls a face. “I’m worried it makes me look like I’m trying too hard.”

That makes Maya smile. “It suits you,” she says. “You look… good.”

“I feel good,” Katherine says. She takes a deep breath and leans forward, clenching her left hand. It is then that Maya notices that she is no longer wearing her wedding rings.

“Maya, sweetie…”

“I’m sorry, Mom,” Maya interrupts her, desperate to get the words out. 

Katherine looks at her quizzically.

“I’m sorry for what I said to you that day at the station, when you came to see me. I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you or believe you,” Maya says. “I… you were right, what you said about Dad was right.”

Her hands shake and she clasps them together, before hiding them under the table.

“He was abusive, he abused us – all of us.” Maya shakes her head. “I knew it, deep down, but I didn’t want it to be true. Because…” She pauses, still finding it hard to talk about despite all the progress she has made since the last time they saw each other. “Because acknowledging it means I also have to acknowledge who I am.”

Katherine frowns. “What you do you mean?”

“I mean, all the traits he instilled in me. All the things I am, all the things I became because of him. The drill sergeant who pushes too hard, who is relentless, who sets her sights on the finish line and doesn’t care about who she barges past to get there first.”

“Eyes forward at all times,” Katherine says. It is a phrase she has heard so many times and it makes her shudder.

Maya nods, thinking about everything she has been through over the last few weeks.

“I almost lost my friends, my girlfriend, because of it.” Her face falls. “I lost Mason, we all did. And I lost you, in a way. Because I was such a daddy’s girl that you and I never got to really have that typical mother daughter relationship.”

“And I regret that,” Katherine says. “I lost so much time with you kids because I let your father dictate everything. Every after-school activity, every weekend trip, every holiday. It was always his way or no way.” She shakes her head. “I’m sorry.  I wish I’d done more to protect you.”

“Why didn’t you?”

Her question is blunt and Maya knows it is unfair; she works on the front line, she has seen dozens of domestic abuse cases, she knows that it is not as simple as just walking out of the door. Yet, the question has been playing on her mind and she needs to hear it for herself from her mother.

Katherine shifts uncomfortably in her seat as Maya looks at her expectantly, waiting for her answer. On the other side of the room, someone drops a glass and it smashes as soon as it hits the hard floor. Maya sees her mother jump and close her eyes, breathing slowly as if calming herself.

“Mom?”

Katherine opens her eyes and smiles. “I’m fine, honey.” She picks up her wine glass and takes a large gulp.

A waiter comes over to them. “I’m sorry about the commotion,” he says. “May I get you anything while you wait for your lunch?”

“No, thanks, we’re good,” Maya says, shooting the waiter a polite smile.

As he leaves, Maya turns back to her mom. “I remember it, too,” she says quietly. “The broken plates, the smashed glasses.”

Katherine looks across the table at her, the question still hanging in the air between them. “I was scared,” Katherine says. “I had nothing and no-one, except you kids. Everyone I knew was your dad’s friend too, and if I’d told them what was going on, he would’ve convinced them that it wasn’t true. Your father controlled everything, he controlled me. The world outside our home felt so far away. I had no money, no-where to go. So I told myself that, no matter how hard it was with your dad, it would be even harder without him.” She wears a sad smile. “You know, I was never really a confident person. My grandfather used to say I was ‘plain’ and that I’d be lucky to find a decent man to look after me. And then I met your dad and he was so kind, so charming, so handsome. He made me feel like a million dollars. I remember being so happy to take him home and prove to my grandfather that he was wrong.”

Maya never met her great grandfather, he had died several years before she was born. Her heart aches for her mom, being belittled by her own family from such an early age. No wonder she was won over by her father’s charms.

“I can’t pinpoint when things changed,” Katherine continues. “Maybe he was always controlling and I didn’t notice it. But at some point I realised that the only thing I had in my life was him. Even having you and Mason was tied to being with your dad, and I was terrified that if I tried to leave him, I would lose my kids. The idea of that happening was worse than anything your father could have done to me.”

Katherine takes another sip of wine. “I have a lot of regrets, Maya, and I will always be sorry for letting him hurt you like he did.” There are tears in her eyes and she blinks them away. “I just hope that one you will be able to forgive me.”

Maya stares at her as she takes in her words. She has always thought of her mom as a weak person, but she realises how strong she has been all these years, putting up with the mood swings and snide comments and violent outbursts – all because she was afraid that doing something about it would mean she lost her kids.

“Of course I forgive you,” Maya says, her own eyes filling with tears. “He hurt you too.”

She reaches her hand out across the table and Katherine takes it, squeezing it hard. Maya feels her anger and grief fall away, and peace wash over her. She still has a lot to get her head around, to reconcile who she was with who she might be from now on, now that she is no longer bound by her past. But she feels relief at letting go of all the frustrations she has been feeling towards her mom.

Before they have chance to continue their conversation, the waiter delivers their food for the table. Maya pulls her hand back as the waiter places their plates in front of them.

“I hope you enjoy your meal,” he says politely.

They both thank him and turn to their food.

“This smells delicious,” Katherine says, inhaling deeply. She picks up her knife and fork, about to tuck in.

Maya, meanwhile, isn’t quite ready to move on from their conversation. “Can I ask you something?”

Katherine places her cutlery back on the table to give her daughter her full attention.

“Of course, sweetheart.”

“What changed?” Maya asks. “Why leave him now? I mean, me and Mason have been gone for years.”

“I joined an art class,” Katherine says. “It’s the only thing your dad let me do by myself, except for the grocery shop.”

Maya’s eyebrows arch in surprise. “I didn’t know you were into art,” she comments.

Katherine smiles. “Where do you think Mason gets it from?”

There is so much about her mom that she doesn’t know, Maya realises. She stays quiet, letting her continue with her story.

“I made a small group of friends, women my age. They’re a lovely group. One of them, Jilly, guessed what was going on. She’s been through it herself and knew all the signs – the way your dad would sometimes turn up unexpectedly, like he was checking up on me; or if I didn’t turn up for class suddenly or when I always turned down the offer of a coffee afterwards. She pulled me aside one day and told me that she knew what was happening and that if I ever wanted help, I should just ask.”

Maya owes Jilly a thank you, she thinks to herself.

“We talked and I started to confide in her a little. She never pushed me to do anything I wasn’t ready for, but she made me feel like I wasn’t alone. When classes ended, I told your dad that there was a summer programme and that’s when I started going to therapy. It’s saved me. It’s made me stronger.”

Maya can see the change in her mother and she feels in awe of it. Maya has been changing too, and maybe she is a little like her mom after all.  

“My therapist put me in touch with a charity that helps women like me,” Katherine continues. “They found me a job and somewhere to live, helped me with a deposit. Four weeks ago, your dad went out to play golf with his friends, so I packed a bag and I left.”

“You didn’t tell him you were leaving?”

Katherine shakes her head. “I knew what he would do if I tried to talk to him.”

Maya knows too. She can see the vein in his forehead that would pulsate when he was in one of his rages, a physical feature that she has inherited from him.

“I left him a note. I haven’t told him where I’m living, or any of our friends. I won’t tell you either,” Katherine says.

Maya can’t hide her surprise, causing Katherine to smile kindly.

“I don’t want him coming to you and putting you under any kind of pressure to fix this,” Katherine says.

‘It’s too late for that,’ Maya thinks, her hand instinctively going to the back of her head. She nods. “But you’ll tell me if you need anything,” she says out loud. “Money, food.”

“Maya, sweetheart, I’m doing fine. I’m learning to stand on my own two feet,” Katherine says. “I need to do this by myself.”

“I’m glad you got out,” Maya says. “And I’m sorry I wasn’t there to help you.”

“Now honey, I don’t want to hear another apology from you,” Katherine scolds. “I’m good. You’re good.”

“And Mason?”

Katherine’s face falls. “I don’t know, I haven’t seen him for a few years.”

“Me neither,” Maya says. “Not since he was arrested.”

She had told her mom about their run in a couple of years ago, knowing how much she worries about her son. Although they had not talked about it, neither of them had told her father. They both knew that Lane Bishop wouldn’t care anyway.

“He’s okay,” Katherine says, as if she is trying to convince herself as much as Maya. “I have to believe that he’s okay.” Because the alternative was too devastating to think about. She smiles. “Come, let’s eat before this delicious food goes cold.”

They fall into conversation as Maya tells her more about her job and recent promotion to captain. They talk a little bit about losing Captain Herrera and how Andy is doing since her father’s death. Maya tells her about some of their more interesting calls, keeping the details light, knowing that her mom will freak out if she knows how dangerous their work can be sometimes.

“You’re always so busy,” Katherine comments. “I hope you’re not working too hard.”

“I make time to relax,” Maya says. “Carina and I even went away to Palm Springs for a few days last month.”

The words slip from her mouth before she realises what she is saying. Maya blushes and looks up at her mom, who is smiling knowingly at her. She had picked up on Maya’s reference to her ‘girlfriend’ earlier.

“I had a feeling she was more than just a friend,” Katherine says.

It is not news to Katherine Bishop that her daughter is gay. Maya was sixteen years old when she had walked in on her making out with a girl from her running club – Hima, her name was. It hadn’t lasted long, from what Katherine could gather, and since then Maya had kept her dating life to herself. There was the boy who took her to prom, Blake, but he was the son of one of Lane’s friends and Maya only said yes to keep her dad happy.

“Does Dad know?” Maya asks cautiously.

“About Carina? No, honey, I don’t think so.”

“I mean about me,” Maya clarifies. It is not something she has ever spoken of until now.

“I never told him,” Katherine says. “If he does, he’s never said anything to me about it.”

Maya falls quiet. There is a part of her that feels sad that she keeps such a big part of her life hidden, but there is a bigger part of her that feels like her dad doesn’t deserve to know this side of her. He will never meet Carina, he will never know how happy she is, and Maya doesn’t ever want him to judge her for that.

Not wanting to dwell on it, she changes the subject.

“So, tell me about your job,” Maya says.

“I work in a small doctors’ office,” Katherine says. “Admin work, answering the phones, updating patient records, that kind of thing. It’s not very exciting, but it’s a private practice so they pay quite well. Enough to pay my bills and have a little left over at the end of the month.”

It is hard for Maya to imagine her mom in such a professional setting, but even over their short lunch, she is starting to see another side to her – a side that she is proud to know.

The rest of the meal passes peacefully as they keep the conversation light. Maya pays the bill, despite Katherine’s protestations, and they walk outside together. The rain has finally stopped and the sun is just starting to peek out from behind the white clouds. Maya enjoys the warmth on her face as she turns towards her mother.

“I don’t know when we’ll do this again,” Maya says. “Between the pandemic and my job, I might not be able to see you for a while. But maybe we can talk on the phone sometimes?”

Katherine smiles. “I’d like that.”

Maya makes the first move and opens her arms, inviting her mom into a hug. Katherine accepts the gesture willingly. Maya can’t remember the last time she hugged her mom and it feels odd, but it is a welcome change from the lukewarm relationship they have had until now.  

After they say goodbye, Maya sits in her car for a while, not knowing what to do with everything she is feeling. Carina is at work and Andy is picking Sullivan up from the hospital. She could call Vic or Travis or… no, not Jack – she is pretty sure Carina would not take that well… but she hasn’t talked to them about any of what has been going on. Besides, there is only one person she really wants to talk to.

She pulls out her phone and scrolls to Carina’s number, her thumb lingering over the call button. She changes her mind and instead starts the car engine, taking the direct route to the hospital. She parks up and makes her way straight to the OB ward on the fourth floor where she finds Carina stood by the admit desk, talking to a resident.

As if sensing her presence, Carina looks over her shoulder as Maya walks up to her.

“Maya!” she greets her happily.

“Hey,” Maya says warmly. “Got time for a break?”

Carina can tell immediately that there is something on her mind and nods. “Of course.”

“There’s a break in the rain, maybe we can head to the coffee cart outside?”

“Si, sounds like a good idea.” Carina turns back to the other doctor. “I’ll be half an hour, make sure Mrs Jenkins has her epidural.”

Confident that she is leaving her patient in good hands, Carina nods towards the corridor leading to the elevators. Maya is quiet and Carina doesn’t ask any questions, learning to give Maya space until she is ready to talk.

“You know, my mom has a job at a doctor’s office,” Maya says as they step out of the elevator on to the first floor.

“She does?”

Maya nods. “She has her own apartment. She’s been taking art classes. I’ve never seen her so happy and relaxed.”

“That’s good,” Carina says. “It sounds like lunch went well?”

“Yeah, it did,” Maya says.

Carina can tell that she is still caught in her own world.

“Did you get the answers to your questions?”

“I did.” Maya stops suddenly. “I can’t believe that he’s held such power over us for so long.”

Carina takes a step towards her, slipping her hand around Maya’s. “But he doesn’t any more,” Carina reminds her. “Remember that. You’re free of him forever, if that’s what you want. Your mama too.”

Maya nods, a wide smile appearing on her face. “Yeah, we’re free.” The realisation is overwhelming and tears prick her eyes.

Carina leans in and places a soft kiss on her check. “Come, I’ll buy you a coffee,” she says, tugging at her hand.

Maya falls into step beside her. As they head out of the door, they bump into Doctor Bailey wheeling a large suitcase.

“Bailey, moving in?” Maya says.

“Moving out,” Bailey says with a grim look on her face. “Of home, I mean.”

Maya and Carina wear identical frowns at her unexpected announcement.

“Why, what happened?” Carina asks, immediately concerned for her boss.

“Covid,” Bailey says, with a heavy sigh. “You know we’ve had our first cases here? One yesterday, two this morning.”

It is news to Maya, but Carina nods, her body tensing at the mention of the virus.

“They say Governor Inslee is going to announce a stay-at-home order any day now,” Bailey says. “Ben and I talked about it, and we decided it was better if we quarantine apart, what with us both being on the front line and my heart condition. We need to minimise the risk to ourselves and each other.”

“Are you sure?” Maya says. “That sounds awfully lonely.”

Bailey shrugs. It is clear from the sombre look on her face that she is not happy with the decision, despite her part in making it. “It’s for the best,” she says despondently.

“Where will you go?” Carina asks.

“An AirBnb round the corner,” Bailey says. “Ben’s sister’s gonna move in to help with the boys.”

Maya makes a mental note to check in with Ben when she sees him on their next shift, knowing how cut up he is going to be about this. He and Bailey have a marriage they all aspire to at the station, and she knows what a big decision this is for them.

“Well, I’d better get to it,” Bailey says.

Maya and Carina part as Bailey strides forwards, passing through them and towards the elevators.

“That’s rough,” Maya comments as they watch her walk away from them.

“Hmm,” is all Carina says.

They make their way outside. The coffee cart queue is short and Carina grabs them each a coffee, while Maya secures them a spot on a nearby bench.

“Thanks,” she says as Carina passes a hot cup of coffee. Her eyes follow Carina as she sits down beside her. “What are we gonna do?”

Carina looks at her curiously. “What do you mean?”

“If Inslee announces a lockdown… when Inslee announces a lockdown, what are we gonna do?”

Carina doesn’t answer, so Maya takes the leap.

“We could quarantine together?”

“Maya…”

“I know, I know it’s quick,” Maya interjects. “But I hate the thought of not seeing you for weeks, maybe months. And with my shifts at work and your shifts at the hospital, it’s not like we’d be living in each other’s pockets.”

Carina purses her lips. “You heard Bailey, it’s a big risk with us both being front line workers,” she says. “We’ll both be exposed every day, and I hate the thought of bringing it home to you. I don’t want to harm you.”

Her voice cracks a little and Maya guesses quickly where her concern is coming from.

“Your uncle?”

Carina’s head dips. “His lungs are weak. We’ll be lucky if he makes it through the night.”

“Oh Carina, I’m sorry,” Maya says, shuffling closer and sliding her arm around Carina’s waist.

“They won’t even let my Zia in to say goodbye,” Carina says, a single tear running down her cheek. She rubs it away with the back of her hand. “I won’t do anything that puts you at risk like that.”

“We can take precautions,” Maya tries to persuade her, but Carina isn’t having any of it.

“No, Maya, we can’t.”

Her tone is resolute, and Maya realises that she won’t change her mind, so she relents.

“Okay,” Maya says, unable to hide her disappointment. “We’ll make it work, okay?”

Carina shoots her a sad smile. “I hate the thought of not seeing you too.”

Their heads move together as they lean in for a kiss. Carina’s lips are soft and warm, and Maya can taste her coffee. It feels bittersweet, knowing that they will soon be kept apart.

“Can I see you for dinner tonight?” Maya asks when they pull back.

“I’d like that,” Carina says with a smile.

She leans into Maya’s body and rests her head on her shoulder. Maya closes her eyes and buries her face into Carina’s hair, inhaling the scent of her shampoo. Just when she thought that life was getting back on track, everything feels uncertain again. She takes a deep breath, reminding herself that they have been through so much lately and have come out stronger than ever. Neither of them will let this pandemic set them back again.

Chapter Text

Carina’s back hits the wall, a soft thud as her spine connects with the solid oak panels of her townhouse. Maya has her arms pinned on either side of her head as her lips graze her collarbone, making their way down between her breasts. Carina shivers with delight, her eyes closing as her head rolls back, colliding with the wall behind her. Maya presses her body up against her, her thigh sliding between her legs and pressing against her knickers. Carina’s hips jerk forwards, and she lets out a low moan of pleasure at the pressure against her centre.

She is pretty sure she can feel Maya smile into each kiss she leaves on her skin, working her way back up until she captures Carina’s lips between her teeth, biting down gently before drawing her into a deep kiss.

Maya lets go of her left wrist and wraps her hand around her waist, pulling her toned abs against her own. They lost their clothes somewhere between the sofa and the stairs, and she’s pretty sure the hallway lamp didn’t survive the fall as it crashed to the floor a few moments ago.

Mustering what strength she can under Maya’s control, Carina pushes forwards and spins them until Maya has her back pressed up against the wall – another step closer to the bedroom. Maya’s lips search for hers, but Carina evades her, dropping her head and finding the sweet spot on Maya’s neck that always elicits a whimper. It works as she sucks and bites her skin until a small bruise starts to form.

She hears Maya mutter something and she knows she is berating her for leaving a mark, but all that does is encourage her to keep going, until Maya grabs a fistful of her hair and tugs gently until her lips pop off her skin, giving Maya the chance she needs to spin them around again. Maya stands back for a moment, giving Carina the chance to take in her appearance: her eyes a bright blue, her cheeks flushed, her swollen lips curling into a smile. Maya lifts herself up onto the balls of her feet and kisses her, desperate and needy.

Neither one of them is willing to concede power tonight.

The lockdown announcement will come tomorrow, they both know that, and with Carina’s insistence that they quarantine apart, tonight is the last time they will share a bed for God knows how long.

Carina has questioned her own decision more than once over the last couple of days, usually during the simple domestic moments they have shared – the lighthearted teasing as they made dinner together on Friday evening and the laughter that had filled the kitchen when Maya had tried (and failed) to make her an espresso on Saturday morning; the joy she felt as Maya had turned up at her townhouse earlier with coffee and cakes from her favourite coffee shop on Jeremy Street and the love she felt as Maya had insisted on staying to help her organise her spare room for Andrea’s visit. Maybe they can make living together work… except every time she thinks of it as a possibility, she is reminded of Bailey living alone in her tiny AirBnb, away from husband and sons, and her Zio Eduardo, dying alone in a hospital bed instead of at home surrounded by his family.

She pushes the thoughts out of her head and turns her attention back to her girlfriend, raking her fingers through Maya’s hair and pulling her close. Maya tugs at the straps of Carina’s bra until they fall down over her shoulders, the tips of her fingers tickling her skin as she circles them behind Carina’s back to unclip the hooks, wriggling out of her grasp so that the unwanted garment can drop to the floor.

Her nipples are already hard and Maya makes the most of her slightly shorter stature, taking one in her mouth and swirling her tongue over it. She plays with the other between her thumb and forefinger, listening as Carina’s breath hitches in her throat. She feels the warmth between her legs spreading as Maya continues her assault, moving her mouth to the other breast and clamping her teeth around her hardened nipple. She brushes the back of her hand down Carina’s abs and teases the top of her knickers.

Carina feels every nerve in her body reacting. “Maya, please,” she mutters involuntarily.

Maya releases her nipple and looks up at her, tracing a line of kisses along her jawline and brushing her lips lightly against Carina’s. She hooks her finger into Carina’s knickers and tugs at the elastic.

“Please what?”

“Please,” Carina sighs, “… touch me.”

Maya pulls her knickers to one side and Carina can feel the wet material against her thigh. She closes her eyes, forgetting to breathe for a moment as she waits impatiently for Maya’s touch. Maya watches for Carina’s reaction as she slides first one, then two fingers into her arousal, her palm brushing against her clit. She massages her folds, lightly at first and slowly increasing the pressure, her thumb flicking across her clit every now and again. Carina’s lips fall apart and she lets out a heavy sigh, her hips bucking and her legs quivering at Maya’s touch.

Maya presses her lips into Carina’s hair. “Sei bellissima.”

She speaks in barely a whisper, her pronunciation a little messy, but it is enough to bring Carina out of her reverie for a moment. She pushes herself away from the wall and takes Maya’s wrist in her hand. Her knickers snap back into place as she practically drags Maya down the corridor.

“Come,” she commands.

She can feel the pulsating between her legs growing stronger as they stumble into her bedroom, her body crying out for Maya once more. She doesn’t resist as Maya’s hands take her hips and push her onto the bed. She lands somewhat ungracefully, laughing as she shuffles up the mattress, until her head rests on a pillow. Maya stays at the end of the bed and Carina looks up at her girlfriend towering above her in only her underwear. She lifts her right leg and teases Maya’s panties with her toes.

“Get naked for me,” she begs.

Maya chuckles as she pushes Carina’s leg away. She complies with Carina’s request willingly, but slowly. She reaches behind her back and unclasps her bra strap so that it falls loose, holding it out to one side and letting it drop the floor. Then, she hooks each thumb into her panties and pushes them down her legs, stepping out of them. Carina’s eyes sweep over her, taking in her round breasts and pert nipples, her eyes dropping to the neat curls at the top of her legs. She licks her lips instinctively, thinking of the sweet taste that she will get to savour soon.

“Vieni qua,” she says.

Maya kneels on the edge of the bed and pushes Carina’s legs apart, before leaning forward, one hand each side of Carina’s chest to hover above her. She pauses, look down at her with such adoration that it makes Carina’s heart beat even faster.

“I love you,” Maya says softly.

Carina smiles. “I love you too.”

Maya lowers herself enough to be able to dip her head and embrace Carina in another kiss. Carina raises her hands to cup her breasts, squeezing her nipples between her fingers and massaging them with her palms. She feels Maya moan against her lips as she drops her body a little to press her chest against Carina’s hands. Carina raises her right foot and hooks it over Maya’s calf, willing her body to drop down further, but Maya resists, knowing she has one more task to carry out. Breaking their kiss, she lifts herself back onto her knees and hooks her fingers into Carina’s knickers. Carina lifts her hips, allowing Maya to guide them down her legs, watching as she tosses them to the floor. She rests her hands on Carina’s shins and glides them up over her knees and along her thighs, sinking her short nails into her skin.

She has a glint in her eyes that tells Carina that she is feeling playful, but Carina is in no mood for games. Her clit is crying out for Maya’s lips, her body desperate to be caressed by her hands. She uses the inside of her ankles to nudge Maya’s hips, an incoherent grumble escaping from her mouth. Maya grins smugly, grabbing Carina’s left leg and lifting it to rest her ankle on her shoulder.

“I can smell how turned on you are.”

“All for you, amore mio,” Carina says.

Maya licks her lips, then turns her head, leaving a line of wet kisses along the inside of Carina’s leg until she reaches the top of her thigh. Using one hand to anchor Carina’s hips into the mattress, she uses her thumbs to part Carina’s folds and glides her tongue through her slick arousal. Carina lets out a moan of delight as she repeats her action a few more times, before taking her clit between her lips and sucking on it gently. Her tongue darts out, teasing her with three short, sharp licks, then leaves her cold by moving away and pressing a kiss at the top of her curls.

“Maya!” Carina grumbles.

Maya smiles cheekily, kissing her way back down through her curls and sliding her tongue against her clit, before circling the tip around the swollen nub. Carina squirms underneath her and Maya uses her body weight to still her, using the flat of her tongue to put more pressure on her clit. Carina feels the warmth flood her centre and she moans happily, one hand flailing over her head while the other reaches down and tangles itself in Maya’s hair.

Maya dips her head and laps up her arousal. She runs her thumb over her clit a few times, then moves her palm through her folds. She licks her own hand, enjoying the taste, then sucks on two fingers and slides them inside, curling her fingers slightly to massage the rough tissue of her g-spot and feeling Carina’s arousal coating her hand.

Carina lifts her hips, allowing Maya to thrust her fingers deeper inside of her.

“Fuck!” she cries out. “Maya!”

Maya knows how close she is and decides not to tease her any longer. Her fingers move inside of her in a steady motion as she takes Carina’s clit in her mouth once again and sucks on it, flicking the tip of her tongue out every now and again to increase the pressure.

Carina’s hips buck and her knuckles turn white as she grips the bed sheets, her orgasm ravaging her. She screams out Maya’s name as she comes, her head tipping backwards into the pillow. Maya’s tongue keeps working until Carina’s body stills, then she drops her leg and kisses her way back up until she meets her lips, letting Carina suck her arousal from her chin.

Her own body is desperate for release and she moves so that she is straddling Carina’s right leg, pressing her centre against her thigh and grinding against her slowly. The friction sends a ripple of delight through her body and she starts to move a little faster. She buries her face into Carina’s neck, a soft whimper escaping with every thrust.

Carina grabs her ass and digs her fingers into her cheeks, encouraging her to slow down and ignoring her when she resists.

“Let me,” Carina says.

Maya murmurs something in her ear that she doesn’t hear. Bringing her hands in between their bodies, Carina pushes Maya away a little until she lifts herself up, looking at her with exasperation.

“Let me make you come.”

She gives Maya a playful shove, turning her annoyance into amusement as she falls on to her back. Maya’s head twists to one side, never once taking her eyes off her girlfriend. A small smirk passes Carina’s lips as she props herself up on her elbow and runs her hand down Maya’s arm, the tips of her fingers tickling her skin. She interlocks her hand with Maya’s and moves it slowly over her hip, guiding it between her legs. She watches as Maya’s eyes flutter, her mouth twitching as she pleasures herself.

Carina rolls over and leans down, opening the bottom drawer of her bedside table and pulling out a small, bullet vibrator. She wipes it quickly, then turns back to her girlfriend.

“Bella… look at me.”

Maya obeys, her fingers still teasing her clit as she keeps her eyes on Carina. Carina turns on the bullet and runs it down the middle of Maya’s chest, then over her right breast, pressing the tip against her nipple. Maya’s back arches in response, her tongue running over her lips and a soft moan of pleasure breaking the silence. Carina traces the bullet to her other nipple, smiling as Maya’s body trembles under her spell. Maya’s free hand reaches out to find Carina, finding a resting spot on her thigh, her fingers pinching her skin as she pushes herself against Carina’s touch. Carina runs the bullet between her breasts and down over her core, watching as the muscles in her abs ripple. 

She pauses at the top of her curls and Maya feels the warmth of her arousal spreading between her legs.

“Roll over,” Carina instructs her. 

Maya does as she is told, turning away from her. Carina pauses to admire the muscles that flex in her back, before shuffling up behind her and spooning her body. She places a soft kiss on her shoulder as she leans over Maya’s waist and pushes the bullet into her curls. A soft sigh escapes from her lips at how wet she finds her. She runs the small vibrator through Maya’s folds, coating it and her hand in her arousal. Maya rolls back into her, letting Carina support her body weight, placing her hand on top of Carina’s to make this a team effort.

Carina sinks her teeth into Maya’s shoulder, biting hard.

“Fuck!” Maya growls. 

Carina knows that her orgasm will come quickly. Holding the bullet in the palm of her hand, she uses it to enhance the stimulation, every now and again using her fore- and middle fingers to tease her swollen clit, switching between the two movements and feeling her getting close. Maya’s hand moves with her and Carina knows how desperate she is for a release.

“I love you,” she says softly in her ear.

The words push her over the edge and Maya cries out, her orgasm tearing through her body. Carina can feel her heart beating fast in her chest, matching her own, and she holds Maya close, kissing the red bite mark she has left on her shoulder and slowing her hand movements before tossing the bullet to one side. Maya falls further against her and sighs happily as she catches her breath.

“I love you,” Carina repeats.

“I love you.” Her voice is soft and drowsy, and Carina always enjoys this moment, when all of Maya’s hard edges fall away. She brings her fingers to Maya’s mouth and runs their tips along her lips, smiling as Maya kisses each one, tasting her own arousal. She hums happily, despite the frown that crinkles her forehead.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Maya says dismissively, except she can feel Carina’s eyes questioning her. She rolls onto her back and looks up, her eyes exposing her sadness. “I just… I’m gonna miss this. I’m gonna miss you.”

Carina smiles ruefully. “Me too.” She tucks her finger under Maya’s chin and guides her face to look up at her. It is on the tip of her tongue to change her mind and beg Maya to move in, but she resists, and instead places a gentle, tender kiss on her lips.

Maya twists her body until she is facing Carina, arms wrapped around each other and legs tangled together, keeping the gap between their bodies as small as possible. They both fight off sleep, wanting to enjoy every hour together.

Carina isn’t sure what time they finally succumb, but it feels too early to be awake when her alarm rings at nine o’clock the next morning. With a grunt of annoyance, Carina reaches out her left arm, searching for her phone. She finds it and hits the red button to shut it up, gradually opening her eyes and letting the light in.

Maya is curled up against her, her head buried in the pillows as she ignores the alarm. She is usually an early riser thanks to her shift pattern, but Carina’s favourite mornings are those when they both get to sleep in, when they have nowhere to be except in each other’s company. She would not usually set an alarm but she has to be at Bellevue Treatment Center by midday to pick up Andrew.

Her heart leaps at the thought of seeing her little brother after his four week stay at the residential facility. She knows he is resistant to staying with her, but she has persuaded him to move in for at least one week and she is hoping that, once he is here, he will stay a little longer, especially as he goes back to work.

Bailey has already drawn up the paperwork. There is an envelope on her dining table downstairs waiting for him and Carina brought home some dark blue scrubs from her last shift to surprise him with his promotion. A smile spreads across her face as she thinks about how thrilled he is going to be when she gets to share the happy news.

Beside her, Maya stirs. “Looking forward to seeing Andrew later?”

Carina feels a fluttering in her chest at how easy it is for Maya to read her thoughts, even when she is half asleep. She turns on her side to face her, watching as Maya slowly opens her eyes to look at her.

“I am,” Carina says.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you?” Maya asks.

It is a sweet offer, but their paths haven’t crossed since the night Maya drove them around Seattle as Andrew tore up the city on his motorcycle. He had been in such a bad state that night and, although she has had every assurance from both Andrew and his doctors that he is doing well thanks to his medication and counselling, she wants to make everything as easy as possible for his discharge from Bellevue and worries that a strange face might disturb that.

“I’m sure,” Carina says, leaning across the pillow and planting a soft kiss on her lips. “But maybe, when we can, the three of us can have dinner together? I’d love for you to get to know each other.”

Maya smiles groggily. “I’d like that.” She slides her hand across Carina’s waist and shuffles closer. “You don’t have to go just yet, do you?”

Carina smiles, knowing exactly what she is hinting at. “No, not just yet. I thought I’d make some French toast for breakfast.”

“Mmm, that’s a good idea,” Maya says, her stomach gurgling happily at the thought of being fed. “Maybe we should work up an appetite first?”

It is a question she already knows the answer to as her hand sweeps lower under the cover. Carina rolls them over until Maya is on her back, pinned underneath her.

“That’s an even better idea.”

Almost two hours later, Maya is perched on the kitchen counter (much to Carina’s chagrin) as two slices of French toast sizzle in the pan. Carina is chopping strawberries, scolding her every now and again for stealing a piece. She needs to leave soon to get to Bellevue by midday, but she isn’t ready to say goodbye to her girlfriend just yet – not when she knows that she won’t see her for weeks, maybe months.

She flips the bread in the pan using a spatula as Maya steals a whole strawberry, biting into it and humming happily as the sweet juice hits her tongue.

“If you’re going to fill your tummy with strawberries, you won’t have any room for my French toast.”

“Please,” Maya says, “there is always room in my stomach for your French toast.”

She watches as Carina takes the toast out of the pan and puts it on to a plate next to a neat pile of the sliced strawberries. She drizzles maple syrup, then sprinkles some powdered sugar over the top.

“Buon appetito,” she declares, sliding the plate along the counter towards Maya.

Not bothering to move, Maya picks up a fork and tucks in, cutting off a corner piece and stabbing a piece of strawberry to go with it, popping it into her mouth in one go.

She hums contentedly. “Delicious!” She takes another big bite, not caring when the syrup drips down her chin.

“You really did work up an appetite,” Carina says with a smirk, leaning against the counter and taking a sip of her coffee.

Maya extends her leg and nudges the top of Carina’s thigh with her toes. “Better than my usual morning run.”

She loads up another forkful of French toast, this time holding it out, cupping her hand underneath it to stop any spillage onto the floor. Carina steps forwards and takes the mouthful from the fork.

“Mmm, they are good.”

“Are you ever going to tell me your secret?”

“They’re made with love,” Carina says, her eyes sparkling playfully as she takes a strawberry from the plate and pops it into her mouth.

Maya rolls her eyes. “Ha ha.”

Beside her, her cell phone pings. Maya looks down to read the message on her front screen.

“Everything okay?” Carina asks.

“Yeah. It’s just Andy. I said I’d catch up with her later,” Maya says.

“How’s she doing? Has she seen her mom again?”

“No, she doesn’t want to,” Maya says. “She’s still grieving her dad, I don’t think she has the brain capacity to process this on top.” She sighs. “Did I tell you they’ve cancelled Pruitt’s funeral?”

Carina shoots her a sympathetic look. “I’m sorry.”

Maya’s eyes settle on the clock on the wall and notices the time, her face falling. “This damn pandemic is ruining everything.”

“Hey.” Carina pushes herself away from the kitchen counter and moves towards her, standing between her legs and resting a hand on each knee. She wants to offer her a platitude that will make them both feel better about what is about to happen, but it turns out she doesn’t have any.

Maya doesn’t speak either. Instead, she cups Carina’s face and draws her into a slow, deep kiss. Her lips are sticky from the maple syrup and she tastes of strawberries and sugar, and oh they are both going to miss this.

They stay close, even when their lips part.

“Carina…”

“I know,” Carina says softly.

Maya wraps her arms around Carina’s neck and kisses her again. Carina’s hands run around her back to her ass and she slides Maya closer to her, until her hips connect with her waist. Maya wraps her strong, athletic legs around her, gripping her.  

They don’t hear the front door open and close, or the squeaking wheels of a suitcase across the floorboards. Out of the blue, there is a deep cough and a familiar, cheerful voice surprises them.

“Good morning!”

Recognising it immediately, Carina pulls away and spins around quickly.

“Andrea! Wha… what are you doing here?”

Andrew arches his eyebrows in amusement. “I thought you invited me to stay.”

“I mean what are you doing here? I was supposed to pick you up!”

“They let me out early for good behaviour,” Andrew jokes.

Carina rolls her eyes but can’t hide her joy at seeing him. She crosses the room and embraces him in a big hug. “Mi fa piacere vederti,” she says, smiling when she feels him squeeze her tighter in return.

She pulls back and takes him in – his bright eyes and warm cheeks and coiffed hair. He smiles and it takes her back to the mischievous little boy that used to play with her toys when she wasn’t looking.

Once he is out of Carina’s grasp, Andrew greets Maya with a small wave. “Uh hi. Sorry for the interruption.” He grins cheekily at his sister. “At least you’ve got your shirt on this time.”

Maya’s eyes shift towards Carina, looking at her with amused curiosity. Carina swats him playfully and Andrew pretends to recoil, laughing at the same time.

“Andrea, this is Maya,” Carina introduces her.

“Yeah, we’ve met,” Andrew says.

Maya hesitates, her mind immediately going to the night they picked him up from the police station in Tacoma. She knows that Carina doesn’t want him to be reminded of that night and she doesn’t know how to respond.

Andrew picks up on her uncertainty. “Max? The kid in the sewer?” he clarifies.

“Right, yeah,” Maya says. “It’s good to see you again.”

“You too,” Andrew says. He drops his backpack on to the floor next to his case, his gaze drifting towards the plate of half-eaten food. “You making French toast?”

He looks hopefully at Carina, who nods. “Come on, I’ll make you some.”

Carina slips her arm around him and walks with him towards the stove. She catches Maya’s eye and smiles, the happiness at having her brother home written all over her face.

“I should go and leave you two to catch up,” Maya says, knowing that Carina had planned to spend the day just the two of them and not wanting to get in the way of that.

She starts to walk towards the front door, but Andrew stops her.

“Don’t go on my account,” he says. “You can give me the unedited version of what’s been going on while I’ve been away.”

Maya looks at Carina, who nods. “Stay,” she says. “I’ll make some more for all of us.”

Andrew steals the plate of sliced strawberries from the counter, earning him a disapproving look from Carina, before sitting down. Maya grabs three sets of clean plates and cutlery, then joins him at the table.

“You’re not allowed in the kitchen when she’s cooking, huh?”

“Carina won’t let me near her in case I find out her secret ingredient.”

“They’re ‘made with love’,” Andrew says, his fingers making imaginary quote marks.

“That’s what Carina said!”

“It’s what Mama used to say,” Andrew says, getting the same wistful look in his eye that Carina gets when she is talking about her mom. “She also used to put a pinch of cardamom in the with the cinnamon.”

“Andrea!” Carina berates him for giving away the family secret.

Andrew simply shrugs, a grin on his face as he pushes the fruit plate towards Maya.

“So, Maya, Carina tells me that you’re captain at nineteen now?” Andrew says. He is not surprised, he remembers Maya being quite the force of nature when he met her. “How’s that going?”

“It’s good,” Maya says, avoiding the part about how her promotion had alienated her from the team for a couple of months. “It’s a lot of paperwork. But I love it.”

“She’s amazing,” Carina gushes as she places a small jug of maple syrup on the table. “Just the other day, they saved a man and his two children from their car when it got stuck in the middle of a fire at the gas station.”

“Wow,” Andrew says, clearly impressed.

“Well, yesterday we also saved an old lady’s cat after it got stuck down a drain, so you know – every day is different,” Maya jokes.

Andrew chuckles, before turning more serious. “So are things getting harder with Covid?”

“We’re on the front line, so we have keep working,” Maya says. “The department’s rolling out protocols to keep us safe.” She looks over at Carina, who is pouring orange juice into three glasses. “Same at the hospital. We can’t take patients into the ER any more, we have to hand them over in the ambulance bay.”

“I feel like I’ve been in a bubble for the last four weeks,” Andrew says. He looks towards Carina. “Have you spoken to Nonna?”

Carina nods solemnly. “Zio Eduardo will be buried on Tuesday. No-one is allowed to be there.”

“And Alice and Ricardo?” Andrew asks after his aunt and uncle.

“They’re isolating at home. They both have a fever and a bad cough.”

Andrew sighs wearily. “I can’t believe how much the world has changed in just four weeks.”

“And it’s only the beginning,” Carina says despondently.

A look of surprise crosses Andrew’s face at how negative Carina sounds, she is normally the one to put a positive spin on things. He watches as Maya gets up from her seat and walks over to her, putting a comforting hand on her back and murmuring something into her ear. He notices Carina’s body visibly relax in response, her face softening. Maya takes over the cooking as Carina goes to the cabinet and pulls out a small package. She places it on the table in front of Andrew.

“For you. A welcome home gift,” Carina says, sitting on the chair next to him.

Andrew looks intrigued as he opens the package at one end. He spies the dark blue material and gives up being neat, ripping the paper wide open.

“Navy scrubs?” he questions. “Does this mean…?”

Carina smiles widely and nods. “Doctor Bailey’s offering you an Attending position. She gave me the paperwork for you to sign – if that’s what you want?”

Andrew shoots her an incredulous look. “Are you serious? Of course it’s what I want!”

“She says you earned it – and you have. You deserve this, Andrea.” Andrew is overwhelmed by the news and Carina reaches out, putting her hand on top of his. “I’m really proud of you.”

Andrew launches forward and wraps his big sister up in a hug. “I can’t believe this!” he exclaims.

Carina laughs.

“Congratulations Andrew,” Maya says.

She walks over to the table with the three glasses of juice, sitting down and placing a glass in front of each of them.

Andrew picks up his glass and holds it out in front of him, raising a toast. “To new beginnings.”

There has been a lot of those recently, Carina realises, and she is grateful for it. She holds up her glass. Maya copies her, and they all clink their glasses against each other. The pan gets forgotten, until Carina smells burning.

“Maya, the toast!”

“Oh shhh…”

Andrew laughs as Carina leaps up to rescue their food from Maya, who tries to help but gets sent away by Carina. She sits down sheepishly at the table and reaches for another strawberry.

“She doesn’t let me help either,” Andrew teases and they clink glasses again.

Within minutes, Carina has salvaged their brunch and places a plate of freshly cooked French toast in the middle of the table.

Maya pokes her fork into them. “See, there’s nothing wrong with them,” she says after inspecting them.

“That’s because I scraped off all the burnt bits,” Carina says, her tone giving away that she is amused by Maya’s momentary lapse of attention. Sitting down, she moves her hand under the table and squeezes Maya’s thigh.

Brunch is a joyful affair, as they ignore all talk of the pandemic and instead focus on the good things that have happened. Erin Banks is back safe and sound with her family. Richard Webber is recovering well from his hip replacement surgery. Amelia and Link have a happy, healthy baby boy named Scout.

Andrew is happy to be out of Bellevue and Carina is overjoyed to have him at home with her. Despite the fact that their separation is looming over them, Maya relaxes in Andrew’s company too. She envies the sister/brother bond that he and Carina share; it is not something she ever had with Mason and her mind turns briefly to him, wondering where he is as the world is falling apart.

Towards the end of their meal, Carina’s cell phone pings, a call from the hospital that she cannot ignore.

“Ah, my patient is expecting triplets,” she explains. “I’ll be right back.”

She has no qualms about leaving Maya and Andrew alone together, happy to see them getting along, just as she had hoped.

With Carina out of earshot, Andrew turns to Maya. “How is she doing?”

It would be easy for Maya to tell him that she is fine, but she knows that he wants the truth and, after all Carina has done for him, she figures it is his turn to look after her – especially since Maya won’t be around to do it after today.

“It’s been hard on her,” Maya admits. “She carries the weight of the world on her shoulders sometimes.”

It’s not just Andrew – she knows that she has played her part in Carina’s woes too.

“She amazes me with how strong she is.”

“She’s always been like that,” Andrew says. “She’s always taken care of me, and Papa, and our family. It’s about time she had someone to take care of her.” He smiles. “She looks happy.”

“She’s happy you’re home,” Maya points out.

“I know. But I think it’s you too,” Andrew says. “I’ve never seen her in love before.”

He has been around them for barely an hour and it is clear as day to him. He watches as Maya’s face flushes pink, a shy smile on her face.

“Thank you for taking care of her.”

Maya shakes her head. If only he knew, she thinks to herself. She doesn’t think he would be as grateful if he knew how she had broken his sister’s heart just a couple of weeks ago and how close she had come to losing Carina forever. Thank God she had come to her senses and Carina had found it in her heart to forgive her.

“I owe you a thank you, too,” Andrew continues.

Maya looks confused.

“I know you were there that night when she came to Tacoma to pick me up,” Andrew says. “I was pretty out of it, but I know you came with her and stayed, when most people wouldn’t have. So thank you.”

“I’m just glad you’re doing better,” Maya says.

Andrew smiles. “Me too. I know I have Carina to thank for that.”

“You did the hard work too,” Maya reminds him. “It’s not easy facing up to the things that are threatening to break us.”

Andrew is curious about her comment but he doesn’t get the chance to ask her about it, as Carina picks that moment to return.

“Everything okay?” Maya asks.

Carina nods. “Some blood work came back checking for gestational diabetes, but it’s all clear.” She looks between them. “What are you talking about?”

“You,” Maya says without elaborating. She checks her watch. “I should go, I need to run home before I meet Andy.”

Carina is visibly disappointed, but she nods.

“Will we see you again soon?” Andrew asks. It is an innocent question and he quickly realises it was the wrong one to ask as the two women look dejected. “Sorry, did I say something…?”

“No,” Maya says, as Carina shakes her head. “It’s just… lockdown’s coming, so we won’t be able to see each other for a while.”

Andrew raises his eyebrows, but doesn’t say anything. It seems dumb to him that they don’t quarantine together, but he knows better than to interfere.

“Well, it was good to see you again, Maya. I hope the pandemic doesn’t stop us from doing this again soon.”

“Me too,” Maya says. A thought suddenly pops into her mind. “Oh, I almost forgot.”

She retrieves her gym bag and rummages through it to retrieve a small box.

“Bomboloni,” she says, holding it out towards Andrew. “Carina told me they’re your favourites.”

“She did?”

“I did?”

Maya smiles as they speak at the same time, although her focus stays on Carina.

“You did – the night we first met, at Little Roma.”

It feels like a lifetime ago with all they have been through over the last few months. Carina had no way of knowing how deeply in love she would fall when she started a conversation with the glum-looking woman at Joe’s that night.

They can’t take their eyes off each other and Andrew quickly realises that he is interrupting a moment. He leans in to take box from Maya’s hand, his mouth already watering at the thought of tucking in, despite the three slices of French toast he has just devoured.

“Thank you,” he says. “I’m gonna go and unpack.”

He grabs his bags and disappears upstairs, giving them the space to say goodbye. After a beat, Carina holds out her hand and slides her fingers between Maya’s, and they walk side-by-side towards the door.

“I can’t believe you remembered that bomoboloni are Andrea’s favourite,” Carina says.

“I remember everything about that evening,” Maya says. They stop in the front hallway and turn to face each other. “You’re very memorable, Carina.”

“That’s a good thing, no?” Carina asks, with a sly smile.

“It’s a very good thing,” Maya says.

Neither of them want a long goodbye. Maya steps forwards to close the gap between them and squishes her nose against Carina’s before catching her top lip between hers. Carina reciprocates and kisses her hard, her tongue sweeping over Maya’s lips and lapping up the remnants of maple syrup.

“I’ll see you soon, okay?” Carina says when they break apart.

Maya nods. “I love you.”

“I love you,” Carina says. She lets go and steps back, watching as Maya walks out of the front door.

As she closes the door, her heart sinks and she wonders if she really has done the right thing.

Chapter Text

Within a few days of Governor Inslee’s stay-at-home order, Grey Sloan sees a marked increase in Covid patients. It is scary how quickly the virus takes control of the hospital, dictating the who and what and when. All non-urgent surgeries are cancelled and the ICU is expanded to double its usual size. Doctors are redeployed from their specialisms to the pit, assessing and treating emergencies, and trying to get patients home as quickly as possible to free up bed capacity.

PPE is mandatory amongst staff. Surgical masks, face shields and goggles all become part of daily life. The combination is heavy and uncomfortable; it leaves red marks on their skin; and they spend all day desperate for freedom from its constraints.

The hospital creates a Covid wing away on the third floor away from the hospital’s most vulnerable patients. The sick and injured are triaged outside, swabs taken to rule out strep throat before trying to figure out if it is just the flu or coronavirus. Only the most severe are taken inside – those with soaring temperatures or difficulty breathing or with underlying conditions that put them at high risk.

Those who work on the Covid wing are given enhanced PPE, with respirator masks and long-sleeved gowns for added protection. Who knows if it is making a difference, they have already seen doctors, nurses and orderlies displaying symptoms despite all the precautions they are taking. But it is all they can do to make them feeling like they are doing something.

Access to the OBGYN ward on the fourth floor is closed off to all non-essential personnel. IVF and assisted reproductive treatment gets halted, while routine appointments are shifted online or carried out in the parking lot, unless it is absolutely necessary to come inside. Carina doesn’t like it, knowing that such precautionary measures will increase the risk that complications will get missed.

Mamas-to-be in labour are isolated in their rooms and monitored until they are in the late stages of labour. They are allowed just one person with them, a partner or parent, sometimes a doula. Birthing plans are ignored. Carina has heard that there are a few hospitals in New York that have implemented a policy that forbids anyone but medical personnel in the room, which feels cruel to her. It is not something that any mama should go through alone.

The joy that usually fills the ward is dampened. There are no visitors, no balloons, no gift baskets. Patients are discharged as soon as possible after the birth, except they are denied the happy homecoming that they usually enjoy. Some go home to unfinished nurseries. Grandparents, aunts and uncles stay away, sticking to the rules to keep their families safe. There are rumours of people stockpiling diapers and baby supplies, causing chaos at the grocery store.

The end of the ward is reserved for labouring mamas with Covid symptoms. They are isolated with no visitors, only doctors and nurses who are hidden behind their PPE. Sometimes, in the worst cases, Carina has no choice but to take the baby away from its mama as soon as it is born to prevent infection. The cries from both mama and baby as they are separated haunt her all the time.

She has one mama-to-be on a ventilator. At thirty-three weeks, she needs to keep the baby in the mama’s belly for as long as possible, but pumps her with steroids just in case of an early labour. It is one of the most challenging cases she has ever dealt with and usually it would be something she would thrive on, but the burden of every case feels heavy on her shoulders right now.

For the firefighters of Seattle, there is a sharp increase in house calls as residents stay at home and find new ways to entertain themselves. It is ridiculous how many people get stuck in their attics as they clear out old junk that has accumulated there. Stoves catch fire as people experiment with recipes with disastrous results and home bonfires spread because people don’t know how to keep them under control.

With office buildings abandoned as employees work from home, electrical faults go unnoticed and inspections get cancelled, and Maya knows that it will come back to haunt them in the future. They see more DIY mishaps and sex injuries than ever, and these are often the kinds of calls that keep things light amongst the darkness.

They see more mental health crises and the number of domestic abuse calls go up. Maya thinks of her mom, still living alone in her small apartment but who admitted to her a few days ago that Lane has been calling to check up on her. Maya heard a wistful tone in her voice and it scares her to think that her mom might be tempted to forgive him out of fear or loneliness. She had a voicemail from him herself the other day which she hasn’t bothered to listen to yet – and maybe never will. There is too much going on right now for her to go there.

People are scared and frustrated. Some lose their jobs and their homes, and more than once Maya has arrived on shift to find someone asleep just outside the entrance, looking for help. Of course, their doors are now closed to the outside world and the whole team feels guilty about not being able to do more. She sends them in the direction of a homeless shelter, even though she knows they are overrun with people desperate to get off the street.

She hasn’t heard from Mason since she saw him under the bridge in the park a couple of years ago and sometimes she wonders if he’ll turn up at the station, looking to his big sister for help. It is a pipe dream, she knows that, but she hangs on to it anyway, refusing to give up on her hope that they will reconcile one day.

For the most part, people are compliant, but social distancing disappears the moment they are faced with a crisis, and Maya spends her time trying to keep her team safe while also looking after their community.

There are, of course, those people who believe that Covid is a myth and designed to control people; or a man-made virus introduced to decrease the surplus population. Maya has to stop her eyes from rolling in her head sometimes as those idiots try to persuade her that she is a puppet of the American government. She doesn’t tell Carina about them, knowing that her girlfriend is seeing far worse than she is every day at work.

Their downtime at the station is mostly spent apart. They take turns using the beanery, and no more than two are allowed in the break room. Dean and Jack try to keep things lighthearted with their jokes and tomfoolery, but Maya can sense how worried everyone is about their families and loved ones. She hears them on the phone, the stress in their voices apparent as they remind their parents that it is not okay to pop round to their neighbours’ house for a quick catch up and that they need to remember to wear their masks when they go to the grocery store.

She misses Carina like crazy. They talk when they can, in between call outs and emergency patients, and they Facetime on their days off, but it is not the same as being in the same room; of feeling a hand on the small of her back or her breath on her neck; of smelling her perfume or hearing her laugh.

These thoughts distract her from the number of call out reports that are piling up on her desk, that she never seems to have time to do because as soon as she sits down to try to clear them, another call comes. She will close her eyes and imagine that Carina is there with her, closing the gap between their bodies with that telling smirk of hers. She can feel her hands slip around her waist and taste the coffee on her lips as she presses them against hers. Her heart will start to beat faster as she anticipates her next move, following her hand as it traces her abs and moves lower…

Engine nineteen, ladder nineteen, yard fire at 1825 South King Street.

The call disrupts Maya from her daydream and she jolts awake. She hears a commotion outside as the team race towards the barn. Maya jumps out of her chair and follows them, pulling on her turnout gear before climbing into the engine truck. Travis takes the driver’s seat and they pull out of the station. Maya scans the tablet for more details from the operator who took the call.

“Looks like another family burning waste in their back yard,” Maya says.

“Ten bucks says it’s the dad’s porn collection that he’s trying to hide from his wife,” Dean teases, causing them all to chuckle.

They turn the corner into South King Street and Travis pulls up outside the house, the ladder truck close behind them. They tumble out and the smell hits their noses straight away, wafts of thick grey smoke drifting upwards and through the air. They all reach for their masks and pull them over their faces to dim the stench.

A woman opens the side gate and beckons them into the back yard.

“Gibson, Montgomery, get the hose,” Maya says. “Miller, you’re on hydrant duty. Warren, Herrera, grab the powder extinguishers. The rest of you, with me.”

They all nod obediently, while Vic falls into step next to her.

“How many times are we gonna have to ask people not to do this before they pay attention?” she grumbles.

They can see neighbours crowding outside their homes, watching with interest – and probably annoyance too, as the smell drifts into their own back yards.

Maya leads them towards the woman who waits for them by the gate. “Ma’am, I’m Captain Maya Bishop,” she says, introducing herself. “Can you tell me what happened?”

“We’ve been clearing out our daughter’s room. The garbage trucks missed their usual pick up this week, so we thought we’d burn some of our trash because there was so much of it. Except it won’t stop burning, no matter how much water we throw on it – it’s only getting worse.”

It is a story they have heard many times over the last couple of weeks, as people burn their excess rubbish. As they enter the yard, they see a pile of trash in the centre, burning bright orange flames. The family have built it within a large circle of stones, at least attempting to contain it, except the flames rise high above them. Underneath the piles of trash bags, Maya sees a tricycle and discarded doll’s house.

“What’s in the bags?” she asks the owners.

“Old papers and magazines, some of our daughter’s baby clothes,” the woman says.

“Anything from the garage?”

“Some old paint tins and brushes, paint thinner, stuff we used to redecorate our daughter’s bedroom,” the husband answers.

Jack and Travis appear with the hose, pointing it towards the fire.

“Ready for us, Bishop?” Gibson asks.

Maya shakes her head and extends her arm to stop them from acting too quickly. “Hold the water. We need the dry powder, this is a chemical fire.” Jack and Travis lower the hose, as Maya looks over her shoulder. “Warren, Herrera, see what you can do.”

Ben and Andy step forwards and attack the fire with their extinguishers. It soon starts to work, the flames gradually dampening. A few embers float through the air, catching plants and wooden trellises, and sparking small fires. Maya gives the nod to Jack and Travis to put them out, the pressure from the hose extinguishing them quickly.

When the fire is out and they are satisfied that there is no chance of it reigniting, the team pack away the hose as Maya talks to the family about the dangers of burning a fire in their yard without the right experience or knowledge. As she walks back to the truck, she removes her mask to breathe in some fresh air. There is still a strong stench from the burning plastic and chemicals that makes her grimace. A bead of sweat falls down her cheek and she wipes it away with the sleeve of her turnout coat.

She hears someone calling out a name and turns just as a young girl runs up to her.

“Sarah!” comes a man’s cry, which the child ignores.

“Excuse me, Miss, I made this for you,” the young girl says through her cotton mask, thrusting a piece of paper into Maya’s hands.

Taken aback, Maya hesitates for a moment before accepting it. She looks down to find a messily drawn picture of a fire truck and two firefighters pointing a hose at a fire. In thick black crayon at the top of the page, the note reads ‘Thank you Seattle firefighters’. Maya can’t help but smile, a warmth spreading through her chest at the kind gesture.

She looks down at the young girl. “Your name’s Sarah?”

The girl nods.

“Thank you, Sarah. My name’s Maya, I’m the fire captain. I’m gonna show to this to my team and I know they’re going to love it,” Maya says. “Are you and your family staying at home, like the Governor asked?”

“Yes, Miss,” Sarah says. “I have to do my school work in the morning, then me and my mom have been doing crafts in the afternoon.”

“Good, I’m glad to hear it,” Maya says. From over the young girl’s head, she sees her father approaching cautiously. “Now you should go back inside and be safe, okay?”

“Okay,” Sarah says. She looks up at Maya with a hopeful look on her face. “Will you play the sirens when you leave? They’re really cool.”

Maya narrows her eyes playfully. “You think we should?”

Sarah nods enthusiastically and Maya flashes her a smile. “Okay then.”

Sarah cheers as she spins and runs back to her dad, who waves his thanks to her. Maya watches as they walk back to their house, the young girl chatting animatedly. Once they are safely back on their own front lawn, she heads back to the truck.

“Everything okay, Captain?” Warren asks, as she climbs into her seat.

“We have a fan,” Maya says as she passes him the picture. She leans over and calls out to the front seat. “Hey, Travis?”

“Yes Cap?”

“Drive slowly and sound the siren as we go,” Maya instructs him.

Travis looks curiously at her. “Really?”

She nods. Travis does as he is told and she watches from her seat as, house by house, the residents of South King Street stand on their front lawns, waving and cheering at them as they go. Behind them, the ladder truck copies, and Maya feels pride at the love that is thrown at them, glad to see her team enjoying their moment.

When they get back to the station, Maya assigns them chores and then retreats to her office, determined to catch up on paperwork. She pulls out her cell phone and notices a missed call from Carina, immediately forgetting about the outstanding reports as she calls her back.

Carina answers after the sixth ring. “Ciao bella,” she greets her, drawing a smile on Maya’s face.

“Hey, sorry I missed your call, we were out at another yard fire,” Maya apologises. “How are you?”

“I’m okay,” Carina says, although the weariness in her voice tells Maya otherwise. “I was just calling you on my way home to hear your voice.”

That usually means that she has had a rough day.

“How bad was today?”

Carina sighs, her breath shaky. “A patient with preeclampsia who didn’t come in for her last check up because she thought she wasn’t allowed to. She went into early labour – twenty-three weeks. The bambino is in the NICU but it doesn’t look good. Even if he makes it, it’s likely he’ll have severe learning disabilities.”

She has lost more babies in the last two weeks than her entire career, and she doesn’t know what to do with all the guilt and devastation she carries.

“And the mom?”

“In the ICU, but doing well,” Carina says. Her voice cracks. “This all feels too real and not real at all.”

“I know,” Maya says softly. Her arms ache to wrap her girlfriend up in an embrace and hold her until the stress falls away.

“All these babies dying, Maya, and I’m not…”

“Hey,” Maya says. “It’s not your fault. You’re doing everything you can.”

“But it’s not enough.”

“It is,” Maya says. “It is. Look, I know the losses feel bigger than the wins right now. And I don’t think that’s gonna change for a while. But don’t ever think that what you’re doing isn’t enough, because it is. In this crazy, fucked up world right now, it’s more than enough.”

Carina lets the words sink in, Maya’s voice wrapping around her like a warm cloak.

“Thank you, bella,” Carina says softly. She settles back into her couch, her feet tucked up underneath her. “How is your shift? Did you get much sleep last night?”

The A shift have been pulling a double, too many on sick leave because of Covid symptoms, and Carina knows how little she sleeps when she is at work.

“Some, in between calls,” Maya says. She barely got two hours last night and no more than thirty minutes at one time. “This afternoon’s call was more idiots burning chemical waste in their back yard.” She pauses, leaning back in her chair and swivelling gently back and forth. “I thought I saw Mason yesterday.”

Carina’s eyebrows arch in surprise. “You thought you saw him?”

“We got called to a fire at an office block downtown. There’s no-one working there at the moment because of the stay-at-home order, so a group of homeless people have been squatting, trying to stay safe. They were getting high and one of them dropped a half-lit joint in the trash can, and it caught fire. They were too stoned to know what they were doing. Someone grabbed what they thought was a bottle of water but it was some kind of cleaning product that had been left lying around – and whoosh! The whole thing got out of control quickly.”

Carina can hear her rambling and prompts her to talk about what’s on her mind.

“And you thought you saw Mason?”

She knows Maya has been keeping an eye out for him since the pandemic began, even more than usual.

“As soon as SPD turned up, they ran. Didn’t want to get caught squatting,” Maya says. “This guy ran past me, tall with blonde hair and skinny legs, just like Mase, and I thought…”

She had grabbed his arm as he had passed her and he had shrugged her off, looking over his shoulder to scowl at her. His features weren’t as soft as Mason’s, his eyes a dark brown instead of the bright blue eyes he shared with his sister – inherited from their father.

“I just hate not knowing where he is.”

“I know,” Carina says softly. It is her turn to wish that she could wrap Maya up in her arms and feel her head against her chest, breathing in the scent from the shampoo she has stolen from her.

“But,” Maya says, determined to cheer up her girlfriend and stop them both from wallowing in the sorrow of the pandemic, “a sweet kid from the house next door to this afternoon’s fire gave me a drawing as a thank you and we turned the siren on as we left. All these people came out to wave at us. It felt very self-indulgent.”

“But good?”

Maya smiles. “Yeah, it felt good. And it cheered the team up.”

“How are they all doing?” Carina asks.

“They’re okay. Worried about their families and loved ones, like everyone else,” Maya says. “How’s Andrew?”

A low growl of frustration escapes from Carina’s mouth at the mention of her little brother, making Maya smile.

“He’s still leaving his dirty towels on the bathroom floor, huh?”

“Ugh worse,” Carina says. “Yesterday I found his stinky socks stuffed down the side of my couch!”

Maya crinkles her nose, while suppressing a laugh.

“It’s not funny!” Carina says, sensing her amusement. “Why are boys so disgusting?”

“I don’t know,” Maya says, her mind turning to a memory. “We always had to be neat growing up ‘cos my dad liked a tidy house, but Mason used to collect dirty dishes in his bedroom because he was too lazy to take them downstairs after he’d finished with them.”

“Of course,” Carina mutters.

“I remember I was looking for my calculator once to do my homework because he always used to lose his, so he’d steal mine, and I reached under his bed to grab his backpack. Big mistake.” Maya shudders with revolt. “My hand landed on his old cereal dishes. It was so gross, there was mould growing on them and it stunk so bad.”

Carina grimaces. “Boys are gross.”

“Hey!” comes a jeer from the doorway as Andrew enters the room.

Carina shoots him a playful glare. “Parli del diavolo…”

Andrew grins as he flops down on the couch next to her. “Is that Maya?”

Carina nods.

“Hey Maya!” Andrew calls out to her.

Carina narrows her eyes at him. “Did you want something?”

Andrew reaches for the remote and switches on the television. “There’s a repeat of an old Brewers versus Mariners game from last year I wanted to watch.”

Carina looks at him blankly.

“Baseball,” Maya says, knowing that Carina doesn’t follow the sport. She raises her voice so that Andrew can hear her through the speaker. “Tell him he’s gonna be disappointed with how badly his team plays.”

“I heard that!” Andrew says. “Shame the Mariners haven’t won a game in the last three months!”

“Okay, you two,” Carina says, getting up from her seat and wandering over to the kitchen area to pull out a wine glass. This isn’t the first time they have sparred down the phone with each other and she finds it endearing really.

On the other end of the call, Maya sighs. “I should get back my work,” she says, haunted by the pile of unfinished reports next to her. “Maybe we can Facetime tomorrow?”

“Si. I have some new lacey underwear to show you.”

Maya smirks as she hears Andrew grumbling “I can hear you…” in the background.

“It’s a date,” Maya says, knowing she will be counting down the hours and minutes until they see each other, even if it is via a screen. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Carina says.

She hangs up, pours herself a glass of wine, and heads over to the couch, slumping down next to her brother. He looks across at her and leans forward, picking up the remote to pause the game. He has a look on his face that tells her he wants to have a serious conversation.

“Is everything okay?” Carina asks, her brow furrowing with concern.

“Yeah, everything’s fine,” Andrew says. “More than fine, actually.”

Carina’s heart drops, knowing what is coming next.

“You’re ready to move home?”

Andrew nods. “I’m good, Carina. And I’m grateful for everything you’ve done. For taking care of me, for getting me the help I needed. I never would have done it without you.” He leans back against the soft cushions, shoulder-to-shoulder with his sister, and turns his head to look at her. “But it’s time for me to go home. I need my independence. And you need to live with someone who doesn’t leave his dirty socks everywhere.”

He grins cheekily, nudging her arm gently with his until he makes her smile.

“You’re sure?” Carina asks.

“I’m sure,” Andrew says. “You’ll still be able to keep an eye on me at work.”

He has been back at Grey Sloan for three days, and it feels like he has been thrown into the belly of the beast, returning as the pandemic is rapidly getting worse. Carina asks him constantly if he is coping with it and he sees how hard it has been on her. He doesn’t want to be another burden on her shoulders, knowing that she is juggling her worries about work and their Papa – who refuses to answer their calls – and their family in Italy, who are all slowly getting sick, some worse than others. Their Zio Ricardo was admitted to hospital yesterday in respiratory distress and was immediately put onto a ventilator.

“Will you be okay on your own?”

Carina shakes her head dismissively, doesn’t want him to worry about her. “I’ll be fine.”

“You know, if you want company, I’m pretty sure Maya would move in,” Andrew says.

Carina keeps insisting that it is the right thing to do for them to quarantine apart, that it is safer for both of them, but Andrew isn’t convinced by it. She told him that they had split up for a few days while he was at Bellevue, but won’t tell him why. He can’t help but wonder if Carina’s decision has been influenced by whatever happened between them. He knows his sister has a big heart and loves fiercely, but this is the first time he has seen her heart so open to another person as it is to Maya, and he thinks she is treading more cautiously because of it.

“Andrea…”

“I’m just saying – you don’t have to be alone, if you don’t want to be,” Andrew says before she has the chance to tell him again why they aren’t living together throughout the pandemic.

“Okay,” is all Carina says, and Andrew doesn’t push her any more.

He moves out the next day and the house is quiet – and cleaner – without him. It had only been a couple of weeks, but she had got used to him being there and now it is strange without him. She always makes sure to check in with him several times a day at work, until he threatens to have Bailey call security on her.

By Friday, Carina is facing a lonely weekend by herself and despite another gruelling week at work, there is a part of her that wants the day to go as slowly as possible because it is better than forty-eight hours of rearranging yet another cupboard in her house.

Just after lunch, she finishes her virtual check in with one of her patients and closes the screen, lowering the tablet on to her desk. Before she has time to rest, her pager beeps, alerting her to another emergency. She grabs her lab coat as she leaves her office, putting it on as she walks swiftly towards the elevators. She exits on the first floor, heading straight to the back doors, pausing only to pull on her PPE. Helm waits for her outside.

“What are we expecting?” Carina asks, just as the aid car comes into view.

“Home delivery gone wrong,” Taryn answers.

Carina shakes her head with frustration. Too many mamas are afraid to come to the hospital in fear of exposing themselves and their babies to Covid, so they are choosing home deliveries, sometimes without any medical help nearby in case of complications.

She notices the A19 on the side of the vehicle and looks up just as the door opens and Travis’s figure appears. She goes to smile, glad to see a friendly face, but she stops when she sees him. He is pale, shock painted all over his face. 

She steps forward to help him lower the gurney to the ground. “What happened?”

“Michaela George, thirty-two years old. Forty-one weeks pregnant, has been in labour for the last thirteen hours. Baby suffered shoulder dystocia on delivery.” If it’s possible, he grows even more white. “Husband tried to get the baby out and…”

Carina looks down at the sheet that covers the patient’s lower half, stained by patches of deep red blood. She lifts it and her stomach twists into a knot when she sees the trauma that has been caused. The baby’s head, grey and limp, hangs between the woman’s legs. She hears Taryn gasp behind her.

“She’s bleeding, Carina, and we couldn’t…,” Travis stumbles over his words, clearly distraught by what he has seen. He reads out the patient’s vital signs, his hand gripping the gurney as they start to move into the emergency room. The mama is unconscious – a small mercy, Carina thinks, that she isn’t aware of what is going on and what has to happen to save her life.

“Travis, you can’t come in,” Carina says, reminding him of their Covid protocols.

“Yeah, but…”

“Travis,” she says, softening her tone, but speaking with urgency. “You can’t.”

Travis relents and lets go of the gurney, watching as they disappear into the hospital.

“Trauma one,” Owen says.

“I might need an OR,” Carina tells him and he nods, promising to come back to her with an empty OR room number soon.

When they are safely behind closed doors, Carina orders an oxygen mask for the mama, six units of o-neg and a uterotonic, then pulls the sheet off to survey the mess. It is clear that, instead of pushing the baby back in, the husband had tried to pull him out, most likely causing a haemorrhage which is where all the blood is coming from.

“How are we going to get the baby out,” Taryn asks.

“Let’s go with suprapubic pressure,” Carina says. “Have you done it before?”

Taryn shakes her head and Carina has to suppress her frustration. She needs two pairs of hands to get the baby out as fast as possible if they are going to have any hope in saving the mama. There is no time to call anyone else, so she places the mama’s legs into stirrups, then talks Taryn through the procedure, showing her where to place her hands and how to manipulate the baby’s shoulders. Thankfully, Taryn is smart and quickly picks up on what she has to do.

They release him after a couple of minutes and his lifeless body slips out into Carina’s hands. She doesn’t have time for feelings, as a gush of blood follows, spilling onto the floor and her sneakers. She hands the baby off to a nurse then focuses all of her attention on her patient.

“Helm, I need you to do uterine massage,” Carina orders.

Taryn starts to massage the belly, as Carina examines the uterus. It is a mess and she can’t see where the bleeding is coming from.

“Dammit,” she mutters. “Let’s get her to an OR, I’m going to need to open her up. Taryn, keep massaging.”

Once Taryn has climbed on to the gurney, Carina pulls it towards the door, assisted by two nurses, where Owen directs them to OR three. A surgical team is assigned to her and they prepare the patient for surgery, as Carina scrubs her hands clean and gets gowned up.

She carries out a laparotomy and clears the placenta, before stemming the source of the bleeding. She is grateful at least that she doesn’t have to perform a hysterectomy, giving the parents another chance of having a baby, if that is what they want. She doesn’t underestimate the emotional trauma they will both go through after this and she makes a mental note to make sure someone from psychiatry comes down tomorrow to talk to the mama.

Once her patient is in recovery, Carina retreats to her office, needing a moment to breathe. It is only when she has that privacy that she lets the emotion of what she has just seen wash through her. Her body convulses as she lets out a sob, the sound reverberating around the room. She drops onto the sofa in the corner, hugging a pillow to her chest and letting her tears fall into her lap.

This shouldn’t have happened. Michaela should have felt safe to come to the hospital, to be surrounded by doctors and nurses while giving birth to her baby boy safely and with her husband by her side. She shouldn’t have felt like she had to do it on her own. Carina’s heart hurts, the anger and fear and loneliness she feels overwhelming her. She wails, not caring if anyone hears her. She needs to let it out, she can’t hold all these feelings inside.

She cries until her eyes run dry and her body aches, finally calming her breathing. The walls of the hospital feel like they are closing in on her and she can’t be here any more. She texts Helm with instructions to keep an eye on Michaela and to call her if there are any further complications, then grabs her coat and bag, heading out of her office, slipping past the nurses’ station and down the stairs to avoid any small talk in the elevator.

She bumps into Bailey on her way out – literally, almost knocking the smaller woman over as she brushes past her.

“Hey!”

About to berate whoever just shoved her, Bailey stops in her tracks when she catches sight of Carina, noticing immediately that something is off.

“DeLuca!” Bailey calls after her. “Carina!”

Carina turns a little, trying but failing to hide her face, with her red eyes and swollen cheeks giving away her distress.

“I have to go,” she says.

Bailey steps towards her. “Is it Andrew?” she says in a low voice so as not to draw any attention to their conversation.

Carina shakes her head. “No, no he’s fine,” Carina says. “Don’t tell him, please. I just… I have to go.”

“Okay,” Bailey says, not challenging her.

Carina spins and heads towards the door, keeping her face down so that she doesn’t catch anyone’s eye. Bailey watches her go, unsure what to do. She can’t let Carina go home by herself in that state, whatever caused it, but she won’t go back on her promise not to tell Andrew. Instead, she pulls out her phone and speed dials her husband.

“Ben? I need you to do something for me.”

Twenty minutes later, Carina pulls up outside her townhouse and switches off the engine, her head dropping back against the headrest as she takes a deep breath. She barely noticed the drive home, too caught up in her thoughts and feelings. She knows that all that is waiting for her is an empty house and an empty refrigerator, because she was supposed to stop by the grocery store on her way home tonight – not that she is in the mood to eat anything.

She gets out of her car and trudges up to her house, not bothering to turn on the lights as she steps inside. She drops her keys into the bowl and slips out of her shoes, heading straight upstairs to her bedroom. She gets changed into her comfiest pyjamas and crawls into bed without taking off her make up, lying on her side and curling up into a ball.

She doesn’t care that it is early, she is exhausted – like she always is at the moment – and prays for sleep to come quickly. It doesn’t. Today’s events replay in her mind, over and over again.  

The doorbell rings and she ignores it, but whoever is outside is persistent. She swears if Bailey told Andrew that she saw her so upset, she’ll give her a piece of her mind – but then she hears a familiar voice calling her name.

Maybe she is dreaming but there it is again, and intrigue gets the better of her. She drags herself out of bed and goes downstairs, quickly putting a mask over her mouth and opening the door just a little to peek outside.

“Maya! You’re here?”

Maya keeps her distance, hanging back on the porch, although her body language says that she is restraining herself from marching inside.  

“Travis told me about the patient he brought to the hospital,” she says. “He was pretty cut up about it. And then Bailey called Ben and told him that you were upset, and she was worried about you. I wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

“What about work?” Carina asks, knowing that Maya is not supposed to leave the station when she is on shift, especially when she is captain.

“Andy’s covering for me,” Maya says. “I can’t stay long, but I hated the thought of you coming home alone.”

“You shouldn’t be here,” Carina says. “I’ve been at the hospital all day, and you’ve been at work, and we might…”

“I don’t have to come inside,” Maya interrupts her. “Six feet apart, I promise. I just thought we could talk, that’s all.”

She shrugs off her jacket and places it on the ground, sitting down and leaning against the house. She looks up expectantly at Carina, waiting for her to do the same. Carina drops to the floor, her back against the wooden panels, the door just ajar so that they can see each other.  

“How bad was it?” Maya asks.

“The worst I’ve seen,” Carina admits. “I don’t just mean the pandemic. It was like the kind of horror story you hear about at med school and you convince yourself that it’ll never happen to you.” She shakes her head, tears pooling in her eyes.

“Did the mom make it?”

“Yeah, she did,” Carina says. “But I don’t know how she’s ever gonna get over this. And I have to tell her tomorrow what happened to her baby and she won’t even have her husband with her when I do.”

“Does it have to be you?” Maya asks. “I thought you had the weekend off.”

“I do, but I can’t ask someone else to do it. She’s my patient, it should be me,” Carina says. She tips her head backwards, knocking it against the door frame a few times.

“Hey,” Maya says gently. “It’s okay to be upset.”

“I’m not upset, Maya. I’m angry,” Carina says. “I’m angry about the pandemic, and what it’s doing to my family, and what it’s doing to my patients and my colleagues. I’m angry that all the joy has been sucked out of life and every day is just another day of masks and face shields and six feet apart when more than ever people need each other close. And when it’s not, I’m rattling around in this stupid, big house by myself. I’m angry that you’re here and you can’t come inside, and I want that more than anything right now.” She rubs her eyes with the back of her hand. “And I’m tired of feeling angry, Maya. But right now it feels like it’s never going to end.”

Maya tips her head to look at her through the gap in the doorway, desperate to break her way in and wrap her girlfriend up in a hug.

“Close your eyes.”

Carina looks at her, blinking the tears away to clear her blurred vision. “Why?”

“Just trust me and do it.”

Carina does as she is asked, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath.

“We’re on the couch in my apartment,” Maya says in a soft, gentle voice. “The lights are dim and you’re burning one of those pine candles that makes it smell like Christmas. We’ve got a blanket over our legs and my hand is holding yours.”

Carina feels her skin tingle as she imagines Maya’s hand wrapped around hers, her thumb running lightly over her knuckles.

“Your head’s on my shoulder and we’re listening to some Italian music that your Nonna used to play when you were a little girl. It’s warm and cosy, and we’ve shut the door on the outside world for the night. And it’s just us.”

Carina feels a calmness settle over her, all of her focus on Maya’s voice as she speaks.

“You’re telling me a story about you and Andrew getting in trouble with your mom when you were kids, and I’m telling you about some stupid joke that Dean pulled on Vic at work, and we’re laughing. And no-one and nothing can make us feel angry or upset. It’s like the nothing exists except us, in our own little bubble.”

Carina opens her eyes to see Maya looking at her. “You’re good at this.”

“Yeah, well, it’s what I do when I’ve had a bad shift,” Maya says, a little shyly. She doesn’t think of the clouds so much any more; her safe place is with Carina, it’s where she has learned to sleep and rest and love.

“Really?”

“Well, usually you’re naked,” Maya teases, feeling relieved when she hears Carina laugh.

“Thank you, Maya,” Carina says.

“Any time,” Maya says. “I mean it, if you need me, I’ll come.”

It was not long ago that Maya had stood outside the hospital and promised that she would spend every day trying to convince her that she could trust her – and Carina realises that is exactly what she has been doing, even after earning her forgiveness.

Maya’s cell phone pings and she looks down, a small frown crinkling her forehead.

“Do you have to get back to work?”

Maya shoots her an apologetic look. “Yeah. I’m sorry I can’t stay longer. Are you okay?”

Carina nods, shooting her a small smile. “I am now.”

Carina stands first, a signal to Maya that she can go back to work without feeling guilty. Maya stands too, picking up her jacket and brushing off the dust from the ground.

“Will you call me tomorrow once you’re back from work?” she asks, as she slips her hands into the arms of her jacket and pulls it over her shoulders.

Carina knows it is her way of asking her to check in after what they both know will be another emotional day for her. “I will, I promise.”

It feels strange to say goodbye without a kiss or an embrace, and they stand awkwardly for a moment, not knowing how to navigate this weird situation. Maya is the first one to almost break, lifting one foot as if she is about to step forwards.

“Six feet, Maya,” Carina says lightly, even though there is a part of her that wants to break the rules too.

“Right,” Maya says, lowering her foot again. “It’s your fault for being so damn beautiful, you know.”

Her eyes twinkle, grinning as Carina giggles.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too, bella,” Carina says.

She shuffles closer to the door, watching as Maya steps off the porch and goes back to her car. Once she is gone, Carina goes back upstairs and cleans her face, tying her hair back into a loose ponytail and climbing under the sheets. A wave of exhaustion washes through her and she feels like sleep might come more easily now. She closes her eyes and imagines Maya’s body spooned against hers, an arm slung over her waist, their hands entwined, a soft snore coming from behind her. It is that thought that allows her to drift off into the first peaceful slumber she has had in weeks.

Chapter Text

Maya leaves the station just after six-thirty, starting the three block walk to the hospital by herself. Her stomach flips with nervous excitement, which she knows is ridiculous because she is only going to get to see Carina for a few seconds and they can’t be close to one another, but she knows that seeing her girlfriend even from a distance will bring her the joy she needs today.

They haven’t seen each other since the evening she had spent sat on the ground outside Carina’s townhouse – not physically, at least. There have been video chats, in between the phone calls and text messages. Carina is calmer now, although her job is still difficult, not to mention traumatic at times. Maya hates that she can’t simply wrap her up in a hug, that protocols and risk assessments have taken away all moments of intimacy between them.

She needs her today more than any other day of the pandemic so far, craving her calming influence and words of love. They say goodbye to Pruitt Herrera this afternoon. Even though he has been gone for over a month, the loss still feels raw. She wonders often what he would make of the pandemic and if he would think she was doing a good job of leading the team during these strange times. She feels the weight of it on her shoulders and sometimes it feels like an impossible task; but then they will do a drive by and people will come out of their houses to cheer and wave at them, and it reminds her that there is still joy in the world.

She bumps into Jack and Dean as she turns the corner. They both look cheerful, despite the earlier than usual start to their day.

“Bishop.”

“Captain.”

“Hey guys,” she greets them, falling into step beside them.

“You haven’t been working already, have you?” Jack asks, knowing that she has been overwhelmed at times by the amount of extra work generated by the pandemic.

Maya shakes her head. “No, I just stopped by the station to drop off my car.”

They make small talk as they make their way to the hospital, the mood kept light by Dean’s infectious happiness as he shows them photos of baby Pru crawling for the first time, the pitter patter of her tiny hands on the hard floor of the houseboat making them all smile.

“I miss that little squish,” Jack says fondly.

“She misses you all too,” Dean says. He looks over at Maya. “Will Carina be there this morning?”

“She’d better be,” Maya says.

Although their visit is to be a surprise for Bailey, Maya had told Carina about their plan last night. Of course she would have been there no matter what, but it was knowing that she was going to get to see her girlfriend that got her jumping out of bed this morning. Carina had promised to get to work early, to be there when they start their clapout, and Maya prays that there are no last minute emergencies to take her away.

They turn the corner where the others have already congregated and Maya feels her heart start to beat a little faster in anticipation.

“Hey,” Ben greets them. “Thank you, guys, for getting up an hour early. I... it means a lot to me.”

If only he knew she has selfish reasons for being there.

Miranda appears and Ben’s kids call out to her, happy to see their mom.

“My boys!” Miranda cries gleefully at seeing her family. “What… oh, Benjamin Warren, you are a sight for sore eyes. And back, and feet.”

Maya keeps her eyes on the door as they chat – waiting. She doesn’t have to wait long before Carina appears, clearly searching her out. The moment her eyes find Maya, she lets out a happy sigh, her shoulders dropping with relief. From behind her mask, Maya feels herself beaming at her.

She takes her in. She looks tired, of course, but even though her face is hidden by the mask and goggles she wears, Maya can see her cheeks have more colour and her eyes shine, a far cry from the broken woman she saw through the front door last week.

They don’t need words to be able to convey how good it is to see each other, or how much they love and miss each other. It is all in their eyes, and Maya sees the same emotions she feels reflected back to her in Carina’s face.

“You guys, you guys, it's time,” someone says, as a stream of doctors, nurses and orderlies from Grey Sloan appear outside the hospital: some going in to work, some heading home, some making their way to the triage point outside.

The team from nineteen start to clap and cheer, a chorus of “thank you!” and “we love you!” filling the air.

Maya keeps her eyes on Carina, who bows her head as a thank you. She knows she can’t stay long, but it is over too quickly and Carina presses her gloved hand to her mask to send a kiss through the air to her, before turning on her heel and heading back inside.

Maya’s heart deflates a little once Carina is no longer in her sight, reminded almost immediately of how much she misses her. She misses having her in her arms and in her bed. It has only been a couple of weeks, and it’s not like they lived in each other’s pockets before the pandemic started, but the fact that they aren’t allowed to see each other, to touch each other, makes the longing worse.

After a few minutes, the crowd reduces, the clapping and cheering dies down, and the team turn towards each other.

“I need to drop off some groceries to my parents before shift starts,” Travis announces. “That okay, Cap?”

Maya nods. “Of course.”

“Oh, I’ll come with you!” Vic says.

“Yeah, and I need to drop some stuff off with Marsha,” Jack says.

Maya looks amused, but doesn’t stop them, knowing that these little things bring them some comfort. “Just be back by eight.”

She is the first one to turn and head back towards the station, listening to the team chat animatedly. The clapout seems to have brought some cheer to themselves, as well as the hospital staff, and Maya knows they needed it today. The only voice that is quiet is Andy’s, and Maya walks a few paces ahead, fearful that she will accost her once again to ask her about the last words Pruitt had spoken to her before he had gone up on to the roof that day.

She feels guilty, of course, for avoiding her best friend when she knows she is struggling to write the eulogy, but she has replayed that day so many times already and Andy’s persistent questions send her back to that moment, watching him climb the ladder, watching him pound the roof with his axe over and over again, until it gives way and he falls into the flames.

She shivers, shaking it off.

“You okay?”

Maya turns her head to see Jack quicken his pace to walk beside her.

“Yeah, just lost in my own head,” Maya says.

“Carina?” His voice is hesitant, like he knows he shouldn’t be asking about her girlfriend after their recent tryst, but trying to be a good friend at the same time.

Maya lets him off the hook, shaking her head. “Herrera.”

Jack stuffs his hands in his pockets as he walks. “Yeah. Me too.” She hears him sigh. “I miss him.”

“I miss him, too,” Maya says.

Her phone buzzes in her pocket and she pulls it out, Carina’s face flashing on the screen. She answers quickly.

“Hey you.”

“I miss seeing you already,” Carina says, her voice purring in only the way she does.

Maya smiles to herself. “I miss you too.”

She feels Jack step away from her. “Hey Miller, wait up!” he calls out, heading towards where Dean walks with Ben.

His voice is loud enough for Maya to know that he could be heard down the phone and she is pretty sure she can hear Carina’s eyebrow arch upwards.

“We’re just walking back to the station,” Maya says before Carina can grumble. “With everyone else.”

She hears a hiss, as Carina purses her lips and inhales. “You know, I think it’s time we set some ground rules.”

“Ground rules?”

“Si, like you and Jack aren’t allowed to be alone together. Ever. Punto.”

Maya frowns. She doesn’t want to point out that it’s not exactly the easiest rule to follow, since they work together. “I…” she starts, but catches herself. “Okay. Anything else?”

“You don’t talk to him about me, or us,” Carina says. “I know you’re friends, but I don’t like the idea of him knowing things about our relationship.”

“That’s fair,” Maya says. “I can do that for you. For us.”

On the other end of the phone, Carina nods her head resolutely, softening at Maya’s willingness to concede to her demands. “I really did like seeing you this morning.”

“Me too. I wish we could’ve been closer than six feet apart,” Maya says wistfully.

Carina catches the sadness in her voice. “What’s wrong, bella?”

“Nothing. It’s just…” Maya pauses. “It’s Pruitt’s memorial today and he deserves more than an online service, and Andy keeps asking me about what he said to me that day, and I hate remembering it, and I’m trying to keep things together for the team because I know they’re all struggling, and I just… I wish that you and me could just…”

“Wrap ourselves up in a blanket and shut the door on the world for a while?” Carina finishes her sentence for her, remembering the words Maya had spoken last week when she had needed to hear them.

“Yeah.” She takes a deep breath. “Do you think you’ll be able to watch the memorial later? I know it’s probably not easy when you’ve got so many patients.”

“And miss the chance to see you in your uniform?” Carina teases.

It is an obvious attempt to lighten her mood, and it works as Maya laughs. “You always know how to make me feel better.” She hears Carina’s pager start to beep. “You have to go?”

“I do,” Carina says ruefully. “But I’ll talk to you later?”

“Yeah, I’d like that,” Maya says. “I hope today isn’t a horrible one.”

“For you too,” Carina says. “I’ll be thinking of you all later.”

Maya hits the red button and slides her phone into her back pocket, just as she arrives back at the station. The team disperse, those who are not heading out to deliver supplies to their family heading towards the beanery and break room to relax before another shift. Maya goes straight to her office, closing the door behind her and flopping down into her chair.

Craving the physical affection she knows she can’t get, she closes her eyes, thinking of the way Carina will press her body against hers as they fall asleep, their hands holding each other all night; her head resting on her shoulder, her breath warm on Maya’s neck. It works, and she feels the tension ease a little, her lips curling into a small smile.

The morning passes quickly. A call out to Black Ball Hill keeps them busy, the wind blowing embers from a car fire into the trees and causing them problems. It is the kind of call that Maya thrives on, using her strategic brain to get the fire under control. It is also the kind of call out that makes her proud of her team, watching them work together with ease. They are smart and quick thinking, they anticipate each other’s next step, and their years of working together shows in moments like these.

It prompts something in her mind that she had forgotten and she brings it up with Andy in the fire truck on the way back to the station.

“He said something else, your Dad,” she says as they drive through the neighbourhood. “I guess I didn't think to mention it before because I was so worried about remembering the other thing. He said he handpicked us all; all of us at nineteen. And he said that…” she pauses to laugh, “…even though we weren't all the best recruits, that he saw something in all of us that he knew would work as a family.”

She turns her head to look at Andy, whose eyes are filling with tears.

“Does that help at all?”

Andy nods. “Yeah, actually it does,” she says, her voice choked by her grief.

“You’ll know what to say,” Maya says. “He’s your dad and you love him. When it comes to it, just talk from your heart.”

Andy nods, wiping away a stray tear with the back of her hand. “Thank you.”

The rest of the journey is silent and when they pull into the station, there is a sombre mood amongst the team. It is unusual for them to be so quiet after a successful call, but the memorial service is on everyone’s minds. Maya doesn’t need to give them orders to do their chores, they get started immediately, the only sound the melodic humming from Dean as he works. His deep voice is calming to them all.

“Thirty minutes, then showers,” Maya says, a soft tone to her voice.

She makes use of the empty shower room to get ready for the service, then heads back to her office to write up her incident report. She works quickly, only a sweet message from Carina, telling her that she loves her and is thinking of them all, distracting her for a moment.

Once done, she heads into the captain’s bunk to grab her jacket, slipping her arms into it and pulling it over her shoulders. She hears a soft knock at the door and emerges from the captain’s bunk just as Sullivan steps into her office.

“Hey.”

“Hey. Thanks for the assist today,” she says, her voice lacking emotion.

They haven’t really spoken since he made his confession to Dixon and the Civil Service Commission. With his surgery and recovery time, and the pandemic, their paths haven’t crossed – and she hasn’t sought him out either.

“I know I'm not part of nineteen anymore, but I wanted to be here for Andy,” Sullivan says. “If that's okay with you?”

She is a little surprised that he appears to be asking permission, but she isn’t going to turn him away, knowing how much Andy needs her husband today. But seeing him stirs something inside of her, something that she has been holding in for the last few weeks and something that she knows needs to be said so that it doesn’t fester inside of her.

“I hate what you did and I hate that you did it on my watch. I hate that you put our nineteen family at risk and the PRT in jeopardy,” she says. “And I especially hate that you may never be a firefighter again, because you are a good firefighter and the department needs you. I respected you as a mentor, and you let me down.”

It feels good to have said it. She was never able to articulate her feelings about her father when she was younger, another mentor who abused his position. The circumstances may have been completely different, but she feels just as disappointed and isn’t afraid to tell him.  

Robert pulls his mask off, wanting Maya to see the sincerity in his face as he offers her the apology she deserves to hear. “I let myself down. And I'm sorry. For all of it.”

Maya accepts his apology, after all he has been punished enough by the department for his mistakes, he doesn’t need his work family doing the same. “Then we're good.”

Sullivan slopes off and Maya straightens her jacket and tie, before heading out into the barn where the team are waiting. The engines have been moved onto the forecourt to make space for them, a semi-circle of socially-distanced chairs surrounding a podium. A photo of Captain Herrera stands at the front. Travis has hooked up his cell phone to stream the service, so that those who wanted to be there can watch. There are almost 300 people waiting online to say goodbye to him.

“I’ll go and get Andy,” Ben offers.

Maya nods. “Nineteen,” she calls softly.

“Nineteen,” they say in chorus.

They all settle on their seats, waiting for Andy, who enters the barn flanked by Ben a few moments later. She carries Pruitt’s uniform hat together with his baseball cap, and not for the first time today Maya is transported back to the moment he removed it and placed it on the wheel of the ladder truck, before making his way up to the roof to meet his demise.

Tears immediately pool in her eyes and she blinks them back, shooting Andy an encouraging smile. Ben takes the hat and cap, and places on the podium, before sitting down next to Maya. Andy, meanwhile, turns on the live stream, then makes her way to the podium. She pauses by her father’s picture, taking her place in front of them and inhaling a deep breath before starting her eulogy.

“If you're watching this, my Dad was probably your hero. He was mine. He was a great firefighter but an even better Captain,” she says. She looks down every now and again to read from her script. “He brought the best out of everyone by demanding nothing less. He was a natural leader, as anyone who's ever worked with him knows. He built great firefighters, future Captains.”

She looks across the barn towards Maya.

“Maybe even future Chiefs.”

Maya smiles through her tears. He always believed in her, he always saw her potential for who she was, not who he wanted her to be – not like her own father. She looks down for a moment, giving herself time to compose herself, before looking up again.

“But beyond that, he was the best father he could be, and that wasn't easy to do, especially on his own. My dad was faced with some pretty terrible choices when I was a kid. But he did what he thought was best for me at the time. Every time. He chose to protect me above all else. And while he may have made mistakes, I have no doubt he'd make them all again if he thought it was best for me.”

Her voice starts to break.

“It wasn't easy growing up without my Mom and without siblings, but what I've come to realise is my Dad did his best to give me family. He created a home at Station 19. And everyone under his roof was his kid.”

She laughs and the rest of the team share her smile for a moment, despite the tears that fall down their cheeks, as they remember the man who brought them together as a family and as a unit.  

“So he may have spent years protecting me from pain and burying his own, but he did his best to give me the gift of a group of people who I feel closer to than any blood brother or sister. He did his best. He did his best by me. He loved me. He stayed. He stayed with me every minute he could until he had to leave me to save me one last time.”

Maya feels herself breaking and tries to hold it together, for Andy’s sake; except she realises that she doesn’t need to hide her pain, because this is her family and they all share the same loss.

“I love you, Dad. We all do. And if there's one thing I wish I could tell you, it's that I am grateful for you. Because you did your job so well.”

After the eulogy, they play one of Pruitt’s favourite pieces of music – an old Bob Dylan song from the 1970s. Dean does a reading, a poem by Helen Steiner Rice that Andy has picked out. When he is done, Maya stands and takes her position by the bell, honoured to have been asked to do this important job. She looks at Andy to make sure she is ready to hear them. Her lip wobbles as she nods at Maya, who slowly rings the bell twenty times.

The bells have always reminded Andy of the night of her mom’s funeral – or what she thought was her mom’s funeral, alone in her bedroom as her dad rang them downstairs. Maya can see the grief and confusion that is written all over her face, and wishes that someone could hold her hand as she listens.

When the service is over, Andy retreats to a bunk room with Sullivan in tow and they pack up the chairs, clearing the barn and bringing the trucks back in. The Chief has organised it so that nineteen will only be needed as a last resort for the next few hours, which will hopefully give them a reprieve from work for a while. Maya wishes more than ever that they could all descend on the beanery and enjoy a family dinner, but Ben is adamant that it is not a good idea and Maya doesn’t have the strength to fight him on it.

The only person whose company she really craves can’t be there anyway. Once the barn is back to normal, she retreats into her office. Within minutes, Carina is calling her.

“How did you know I needed to hear your voice?” she says when she answers.

“I’m very clever,” Carina says lightly. “It was a beautiful service.”

“You saw?”

“Si, Doctor Bailey and I watched it,” Carina says. “I thought Andy’s eulogy was beautiful.”

“Yeah, she did great,” Maya says. She leans back in her chair. “Tell me something about your day. Something happy.”

She knows she is asking for a lot in the middle of a pandemic but Carina delivers babies for a living, so she pins her hopes on someone getting a happy ending today.

“Well, I had a mama-to-be, thirty-eight weeks’ pregnant, come into the hospital in labour. She didn’t get any further than the ER and the only doctor who was free was Andrea.”

Maya hears her chuckle.

“You and your brother working together?”

“It caused a lot of confusion, two Doctor DeLucas in the room,” Carina says. “When one of the nurses called out for Doctor DeLuca to check how far dilated the mama was, because the baby was coming so quick, Andrea thought she was talking to him. I’ve never seen a patient try to snap her legs shut so quickly when she’s in advanced labour!”

Maya laughs and it feels like a welcome relief from the heaviness of the day.

“Thank you. I really needed to hear something silly,” she says.

Carina smiles. “You shouldn’t hide in your office,” she says, knowing that Maya would be alone right now. “You should be with your team.”

“I can’t… Covid protocols…”

“Oh, pooey,” Carina says, which makes Maya laugh again. “You’re a bubble, and you should be with Andy and your team right now.”                                                                            

Maya knows she is talking sense and is easily persuaded. “Okay.”

“I love you,” Carina says.

Maya smiles to herself. “I love you too. Now go and be awesome.”

“I’m always awesome,” Carina jokes.

Hanging up, Maya pushes her chair backwards and stands up, heads into the captain’s bunk to change back into her casual uniform. She walks out in the barn, calling out to her team.

“NINETEEN!”

She shouts loudly to get their attention and, within minutes, they emerge from their resting spots.

“What’s going on? What’s wrong?” Vic says, startled by her call.

“Dinner in the beanery – together,” Maya says. “Now.”

“Uh, Bishop,” Ben starts to object, but Maya holds up her hand to silence him.

“We’re a bubble,” she says. “We’re a family. And on a day like today, we should eat together.”

Everyone side-eyes Ben, who has been vocal about the need to keep six feet apart at work and berates them every time they don’t adhere to his instructions.

Andy is the first to speak. “As your lieutenant, I agree,” she says.

Travis claps Jack on the back, prompting him to speak up.

“Uh, yeah, me too,” Jack says quickly.

Ben can see he won’t win this one and his body slumps in defeat. “Fine.”

Maya nods towards the door. Vic is the first to turn, pulling Travis along with her. The rest follow, until it is just Maya and Andy.

“Did Sullivan leave?”

“Yeah, he didn’t want to overstay his welcome,” Andy says.

Maya takes a step towards her and rests a hand on her arm. “Are you doing okay?”

Andy shrugs. “I guess now the memorial’s over, I… get on with the rest of my life?”

“I don’t think there’s a timeline for your grief,” Maya says. “If you need more time off work…”

“No,” Andy interjects. “Being here and working, it helps.”

“Okay, but if you need anything at any time, just ask,” Maya says.

“I will,” Andy says, with a small smile. “And thank you. For this, for a team dinner. I think it’s exactly what my dad would have wanted us to do right now.”

She places a hand over Maya’s and tugs her closer, linking their arms and pulling her towards the door.

“Come on, someone needs to stop Ben from telling everyone to keep six feet apart, otherwise I think Travis might slap him.”

Chapter Text

When her alarm goes off at six-thirty a.m., Carina hits the snooze button and rolls over, burying her face into the pillow. She has never been one to jump out of bed, but the desire to stay under the covers is bigger than it has ever been.

“I love my job, I love my job,” she mumbles to herself as she extends her arms and legs, stretching her muscles and feeling them pop as they wake up.

It’s true, she loves being a doctor and seeing the joy in her patients’ faces as their families grow, but every day feels hard right now. Every day she walks into the hospital hoping that it will be different – better – than the day before, that she won’t have a patient who isn’t getting the care they deserve because of Covid restrictions and protocols.

Every day is a disappointment. Every day she is angry and frustrated.

Yet, every day she gets up and goes to work and does her job, because she knows that, despite all of the fear and sadness in the world right now, she can make a difference to someone’s life. When a baby is delivered, the pandemic falls away, and she gets to share their joy, just for a moment.

Her eyes start to drop and she hauls herself out of bed, heading straight to the shower to wake herself up. She stays under the hot water for longer than she usually would, letting it cleanse her of the negative feelings she wakes up with. She doesn’t want to become a person who drags herself into work, she knows she has to stay positive otherwise she won’t survive this.

She emerges just as her phone pings and she picks it up from its spot on her bedside table, opening the message waiting for her. It is a photo from Maya, a selfie showing off the sweat and glow caused by her early morning run. She looks at the text that accompanies it.

Woke up missing you a lot. Went for a run to try and work off some of that energy but I still miss you. A LOT.

Carina smirks. There used to be mornings when Maya would wake her up with wandering hands and keen lips, and she would willingly be Maya’s ‘exercise’ for the day. There is only so much that sex toys and video calls can satisfy them while they are apart, and as her eyes sweep over Maya’s glistening skin, she feels her body tingle. If only Maya was here, she thinks to herself.

She takes a photo, letting the towel slip down just enough to tease, and sends it to Maya without a caption. She gets a reply within seconds.

MEAN!

Carina chuckles. She sends another quick message.

I miss you too. Talk to you later?

She watches the three dots flash.

Definitely. I’ll Facetime you when I get to work. I want to see you.

Carina tosses her phone on the bed. Her mood is a little lighter than it had been just a few minutes ago and she gets ready for work with a small spring in her step.

An hour later and she is settled at her desk, scrolling through her appointment schedule, when there is a knock at her door.

“Come in,” she calls out, as she grabs a mask and hooks it over her ears.

Her heart lifts when her baby brother walks through the door.

“Andrea!” she greets him. “I haven’t seen you for a few days, is everything okay?”

He can see her looking him over, as if checking for signs of mania or depression or lack of sleep. It has been a couple of weeks now since he moved out of her house and he is doing well, but he knows that doesn’t stop Carina from worrying about him.

“I’m fine, Carina,” he says pointedly. “Are you?”

She flinches at his question, knowing the answer and wondering how honest she should be with him about how hard she has been finding it. She doesn’t want to burden him, so she simply shrugs. “I’m okay.”

“Really? Because I heard you yelled at an intern yesterday and that’s not like you.”

Carina rolls her eyes. “He’s an idiota! He didn’t know the difference between his Elliott forceps and Piper forceps!”

Despite the surgical mask he wears, Andrew’s face twitches as if he is trying not to smile. “Carina, I don’t know the difference between Elliott forceps and Piper forceps.”

“Well, you’re an idiota too!”

Despite trying to make light of it, she sighs. She knows she was too hard on the young doctor yesterday and she plans to apologise the next time she sees him. She sinks back in her chair.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Andrew asks solemnly, not letting her off the hook easily.

“I’m just tired,” Carina admits.

Tired of the pandemic, tired of the horror and loss she sees every day, tired of going home to an empty house and eating alone every night, tired of going to bed without another body to hold. Except she doesn’t know how to convey all this in words, so she doesn’t.

“Have you spoken to Maya lately?” Andrew asks, knowing how happier she makes Carina.

“We talked last night,” Carina says. He has a look on his face that is usually followed by a lecture and she cuts him off before he has chance to say anything. “We’re fine. Being apart sucks, but we’re doing okay.”

Andrew doesn’t look convinced. “I just think you’d be doing better if you quarantined together.”

It is not the first time that he has said it and every time he does, Carina feels more and more tempted. But then she remembers all the sacrifices that people are making every day to keep safe, including Doctor Bailey, and she puts a stop to the thought.

Her pager starts to beep and she is grateful for the distraction from this conversation.

“I have to go,” she says, grabbing her lab coat from the back of her chair as she stands up.

“Lunch later?” Andrew suggests. “Socially distanced, of course.”

They have done it a couple of times – Carina at her desk, Andrew on the sofa on the other side of the room. It is the closest thing to normal she has in this strange world, even if one of them usually gets interrupted by another emergency.

“Si, if we have time,” Carina says.

She wants to hug him, to feel the force of having someone’s arms around her, but she can’t – so she slips out of the room and makes her way to the triage area outside, where she is greeted by Owen.

“Nicola Penn, thirty-two years old. Thirty-six weeks’ pregnant, complaining of stomach cramps,” he says.

Carina frowns. “And you didn’t bring her inside?”

Owen nods towards the hospital’s parking lot. “She won’t get out the car. This is baby number four and she’s pretty sure it’s Braxton Hicks, but it’s baby number one for her wife and she insisted they come in to get her checked out.”

Carina smiles. Chilled mamas-to-be with fussy partners are usually fun (barring any complications). “Okay, thanks.” She looks over her shoulder and spots Taryn. “Helm, can you grab me a wheelchair please?”

It is easy to spot her patient – or, rather, her patient’s wife, who is hopping up and down impatiently for Carina to arrive. She manages to persuade the mama to come inside for a quick check up and, once she is settled on a bed, agrees that they are Braxton Hicks contractions.

“Nothing to worry about,” Carina tells them. “I recommend you go home and try to relax, take a bath. If it’s uncomfortable to sit for too long, try walking around a little bit. They’ll probably ease off after a few hours.”

“Are you sure?” the patient’s wife asks.

“Chloe, honey, Doctor DeLuca knows what she’s talking about,” Nicola says gently, shooting Carina an apologetic look at the same time.

Carina gives her a little nod, standing back and watching as Chloe helps Nicola off the bed and back into the wheelchair. She watches the tenderness with which the wives treat each other and she can’t help but think of Maya again.

“Helm, will you take Nicola back to her car, please?”

“Of course, Doctor DeLuca,” Taryn says obediently.

Carina reaches for her cell phone as she steps away from them, bringing up Maya’s name and hitting the call button. She doesn’t care that she’s walking through the hospital, the need to see her girlfriend too strong.

“Hey. You beat me to it!” she says.

Carina can see her sat at her desk. “I was feeling impatient,” she admits.

Maya’s eyebrows shoot upwards. “Oh yeah?” She stands and walks over to the captain’s bunk, placing the iPad on the desk. “Impatient for what?”

Carina is glad that her smirk is hidden by her mask. “To see your face.”

“Just my face?” Maya teases. She pulls open the buttons of her shirt to her naval, exposing her toned abs and the lacy red bra she has purposely worn today knowing they would be video calling each other at some point. “And what if I did that?” she says, laughing.

Carina takes off her goggles to shamelessly get a better look. “You are a very mean fire captain, you know that, right?”

“I mean, you could come in and visit me at work,” Maya points out.

“It’s not safe,” Carina reminds her. “Think about all the people we’re both interacting with.”

“Okay, well, this is torture,” Maya says, her sexual frustration spilling out into grumpiness. “It’s been three weeks now!”

“I know, but if my boss is not seeing her husband, I’m not gonna see my girlfriend,” Carina says.

“What about just a super short little visit?” Maya says. “No kissing on the mouth.”

“Not safe and, I suspect, imposible.” There is no way she would be able to keep her hands off Maya if they were in the privacy of her office.

Maya opens up her shirt wider. “I mean, aren’t you just a little curious?” Before Carina can respond, there is a knock on Maya’s office door. “Crap! I have to go do my job now. My other job,” she says, annoyed but laughing too.

“Okay,” Carina says, grinning despite being disappointed that their call is over so quickly. “It is a little wrong how happy you make me when I'm at work, in a hospital, in the middle of a pandemic.”

“You're welcome,” Maya says gleefully, before ending the call.

Carina shoves her phone back in her pocket, trying to hide the wide smile she wears under her PPE. She doesn’t get very far towards her office when another page comes in, causing her to turn on her heel and head back to the triage area outside. She treats a mama-to-be with Covid who is panicking about what will happen to her baby after reading too many unsubstantiated reports on the internet. It takes her half an hour to calm her down, more worried about her high blood pressure than her Covid diagnosis.

Her morning is brightened by another message from Maya, this time in a sleeveless top and baseball cap, sat on an exercise bike in the station’s gym – accompanied by another message grumbling about her sexual frustrations that Carina isn’t there to satisfy. She can’t deny that there isn’t a big part of her that wishes she was, she misses Maya more than she thought she would – not just the sexy times, but the small moments too, when it is just the two of them, alone in her house or Maya’s apartment. Although she has been practising Maya’s trick of closing her eyes and imagining her physical presence, sometimes it is just not enough.  

Andrew joins her for lunch and they enjoy each other’s company for nearly twenty minutes before he is called away to another emergency. Carina uses the time alone to catch up on some paperwork, until she is called away to the pit. Her patient is already in a trauma room, where Andrew waits for her. A nurse squeezes a dollop of gel onto the young woman’s belly.

“What do we have?” she asks as she steps into the room.

“Heather Noakes, nineteen years old, twenty-eight weeks’ pregnant. She’s been spotting for the last couple of weeks, on and off, but this morning it was worse.”

Carina greets her patient. “Hello Heather, I’m Doctor DeLuca…”

“Wait, isn’t he Doctor DeLuca?” Heather says, confused.

“Yes, he’s my little brother,” Carina says, shooting Andrew a smile.

“Not so little,” Andrew objects.

Heather smiles, despite her obvious nerves. “Is my baby okay?”

“Let’s have a look,” Carina says calmly, nodding at Andrew to carry out the scan.

Andrew moves the doppler, spreading the gel over the patient’s bump, and Carina watches the screen as the image appears. A small frown crinkles her forehead that Andrew catches. Her studies the screen himself.

“Placenta previa?”

“Si,” Carina says with a nod.

“Placenta what?” Heather asks. “What does that mean?”

“Placenta previa,” Carina repeats. “It means that your placenta is covering the opening of your uterus, when it shouldn’t be. It’s what is causing the bleeding.”

“Is it hurting my baby?” Heather asks.

“It can cause complications,” Carina says. “It didn’t get picked up on your last scan?”

Heather blushes, her cheeks turning a light pink. “I… uh, didn’t go to my last scan. Covid, you know? My neighbour went into hospital and caught it while he was there. I didn’t want that to happen to me, I didn’t want to do anything that might hurt my baby.”

She is not the first person to have done so, and Carina knows she won’t be the last.

“Have you felt any contractions or tightening around your belly?”

“Um, some, last night,” Heather admits.

That worries her, but she hides it. “Okay. I’d like to do a different kind of ultrasound, where we check you inside, and then I’d like to admit you so that we can monitor you.”

“What? Why?” Heather asks, shuffling up the bed and looking like she is going to try and swing her legs off the bed, clearly agitated by the idea.

“Because we need to make sure that you and your baby are okay, and that the little bambina stays where she is,” Carina says. “With placenta previa, there is a risk of early labour and we don’t want that.”

Heather looks terrified and Carina places a hand on her arm, placating her. “It’ll be okay, we’ve got you now,” she assures her. “Are you here by yourself?”

“The baby’s dad didn’t want to know. My mom’s outside, her name’s Barbara. She’s wearing a green jacket,” Heather says. “Can she come with me?”

“No, Heather, I’m sorry, she can’t,” Carina says, feeling guilty. “I’m going to go and see her, and let her know what’s going on. The other Doctor DeLuca will take you upstairs to the OB ward and I’ll meet you there, okay?”

The small team of nurses start to roll the bed out into the pit and towards the elevators.

“You’re really good with her,” Andrew says, his eyes shining with pride from behind his face shield.

Carina returns his smile, touched by her brother’s words. They both step out of the room and Carina walks in the opposite direction to her patient, heading towards the triage point outside. She is almost at the door when she suddenly hears her name being called.

“Carina!” Andrew yells. “We need you!”

Carina turns to see them rushing Heather back into the trauma room. Her body is slumped and dark red blood stains the sheet that covers her.

Carina’s chest tightens.

Not another one. Not again.

“She’s haemorrhaging,” Andrew says as she walks into the room.

Realising quickly that she needs to stop the bleeding, and without any time to spare, Carina grabs a scalpel and opens up Heather’s bump, barking orders at the team. They jump to her commands, except it is no good. The baby is delivered three months’ early and Nurse Bokhee holds her for the seven minutes she breathes, while Carina and Andrew work together to try and save their patient.

They fail.

Another life lost.

“Time of death, fifteen forty-nine,” Andrew says glumly.

Carina feels the anger rising up inside of her and lets out a low growl.

“Carina?” Andrew asks.

She shakes her head. “I… I can’t do this,” is all Carina says before she rushes out the room. She ignores everyone around her as she heads out the nearest door, escaping into the fresh air just as Helm is moving a patient inside. She rips her mask from her face and cries out, as if vocalising her feelings will help expel them from her body.

It doesn’t work.

She sees Warren walk up to her.

“I lost another mom,” she says before he has chance to ask her if she is okay. “That's three in the past month. That's three more than I've ever lost in my entire career until this year.” She barely takes a breath as she rants. “Porca miseria. I got into O.B. to bring new life into this world, not to call time of death on mothers, and babies.”

She sighs, heavy with grief, and paces up and down, trying to calm herself. Ben watches her and she realises the poor guy didn’t ask to be a sounding board for her frustrations.

“I'm sorry,” she says woefully.

“No, it's okay,” Ben says sympathetically.

Except they both know that’s not true.

“No,” Carina says. “It's not okay.” Her voice trembles. “It's just… it's not. She was nineteen. She had placenta previa. She was skipping her hospital check-ups because she was afraid.” It is a common theme for her right now. “So she got here too late, and her mom…” She has to take a deep breath. “Because of Covid protocols, her mom couldn't come in with her, so… she died alone.”

Her voice breaks.

“And her baby died alone,” she says through her tears. “And now I have to go and tell her parents. And after that, I'm gonna be alone.”

Carina has been alone for most of her life and that isn’t the problem. The problem is that, this time, she feels lonely, and she doesn’t know what to do with that feeling. It is not something she used to feel, until Maya took up space in her life.

“Oh, I hate this. I hate this disease. I hate this year. I ha- I hate being alone. I...”

It is at that point that Ben interrupts her. “Wait, wait... why can't you and Maya be together?” he asks, as if it is a simple solution.

“Because you and Chief Bailey, you quarantine apart. I don't… -

“Wait, wait, wait,” Ben says, taken aback by the admission. “You're staying apart because Miranda and I are staying apart?”

Carina nods. “Yeah.”

“Oh, Carina,” Ben says gently. “Look, if it were only up to me, my wife and I would be braving this thing together, 'cause I miss her so bad my body aches.” He looks away wistfully and it is easy to believe how much he loves and misses his wife. “I mean, literally. My chest gets tight and my breathing gets heavy.”

She knows that feeling.

“And then I think I got Covid 19! But, you know, hey, if I get sick, I can go to the hospital and see my wife. But you and Bishop, you don't have kids. Or a heart condition, or OCD,” Ben points out. “You should be together. I mean, God knows it's a messed-up time in all of our lives, but what the hell is the point of finding your person if you don't get to weather the storms together?”

He is right. Andrew is right. And she is an idiot for fighting it for so long.  

To Ben, she simply nods.

“Go get your girl,” Ben encourages her, before rolling the empty gurney back towards the Aid Car.  

“Thank you,” Carina says, then heads back into the hospital where Andrew is waiting for her.

“Are you okay?” he asks.

“I need to tell Heather’s mom what’s happened,” Carina says, her body full of dread about having to have another heartbreaking conversation.

“I can do that,” Andrew offers, but Carina shakes her head.

“I don’t need you to do it for me,” Carina says.

“Carina,” Andrew scolds her, “I’m offering. And you need to learn to accept my help.”

He’s not so little after all, she realises, and she concedes with a nod of her head.

“I need to go, will you cover for me?”

“Of course,” Andrew says. “Where are you going?”

“To the fire station.”

Andrew looks puzzled for a moment, until he realises what she means. His face widens into a smile. “You’re finally going to stop being an idiot and move in with Maya,” he guesses.

Carina reaches out and grabs his arm, squeezing it tightly before heading back to her office. She shreds herself of her scrubs and pulls on her clothes, then grabs her bag and heads out to her car. She only stops to pick up a couple of Covid tests on her way.

It is a short drive to the station and she hopes that Maya will be there, and not out on a call, when she arrives. She pulls into an empty space and takes a deep breath. The sadness she has been feeling is buried underneath the excitement she feels at seeing Maya, of taking the step they should have taken at the start of this thing. Once she is in control of her emotions, she steps out of the car and heads inside.

She slips in through the front door, ignoring whatever it is that has got everyone’s attention, and follows Maya into her office. She is engrossed in a phone call and doesn’t notice her at first, until she pushes the door closed. The click of the lock grabs her attention and she turns, a look of surprise crossing her face when she sees Carina standing there.

“Bye,” she says to whoever is on the other end of the call, hanging up and placing her phone on the table, then grabbing a mask to place over her mouth and nose.

“Are you real- really here or am I just really tired?” she asks.

Underneath her mask, Carina smiles. “Uh, both I’m guessing.”

Maya is still dumbfounded by her presence. “What?”

“I missed you,” Carina says. “And I brought you something.”

Maya takes a few steps backwards, holding out a hand, a barrier between them. “Okay, I’m walking away from you now before I start breaking all the rules.”

“Good,” Carina says, a teasing lilt to her voice. To hell with the rules right now. She has been adamant about following them and for what? All it has done is bring her more pain, by denying her the chance to be with the woman she loves.

Maya stares at her for a moment and Carina can see she has something on her mind. She watches as Maya removes the mask from her face, her heart pummelling her chest as she sees Maya’s face for the first time in weeks without a mask or screen between them. It takes every ounce of self-restraint not to charge across the office and kiss her.

“Move in with me.”

“What?” Carina asks incredulously, taking off her own mask. Did Maya really just beat her to it?

“Quarantining is basically just moving in together, but I don’t want to just basically do anything with you,” Maya says. “I want to do everything – for real. And I know that…” She stumbles a little, as she brings up a painful memory. “…that we have barely spent three days together since I broke your trust. But I’m hoping that me asking you to move in with me is a sign that I am all the way in.”

Carina studies her for a moment. The heartbreak from Maya’s betrayal is starting to feel like a distant memory, and she doesn’t know if it’s because of the pandemic or the family losses she has suffered or the tragedies she has seen – or maybe it is all of it – but she knows that, whatever their past is, she wants and needs her present and future to be with the woman she loves.

“Actually, um – I came here to ask you the exact same thing.” Maya’s eyebrows lift with surprise, as Carina brings her hands out from behind her back to show her the Covid tests she has been holding this whole time. “I’ll do yours if you do mine.”

“How do you make even nasal swabbing sound sexy?” Maya says, her face a picture of wonder and delight.

Carina laughs, the first joyous laugh that she has experienced in weeks.

“God, I want to kiss you right now.” The words fall out of her mouth before she can stop them.

Maya smirks as she lifts her foot to step forward, but Carina shakes her head. “We should test first. Just in case.”

“I tested this morning,” Maya says.

Carina narrows her eyes. “I tested this morning too.”

A smile spreads across her face as she tosses the two Covid tests to one side. Her heart thumps in her chest as Maya walks across the room towards her. She feels like she is watching her in slow motion – and then Maya is in front of her, her hands slipping around her waist and tugging her hips closer, leaving no space between their bodies. Her breath catches in her throat as Maya looks up at her, her blue eyes bright and wanting, her breath hot on her neck. She takes her time, teasing her a little, when all Carina wants is her lips on hers. 

“What is it you always say to me?” Maya murmurs.

“Baciami,” Carina says softly.

She watches as Maya runs her tongue along her bottom lip.

“Baciami,” Maya repeats.

Carina dips her head and catches Maya’s top lip between hers. The kiss is light and tentative at first, but Carina quickly deepens it, one hand resting on Maya’s back while the other gets caught in her hair. Maya welcomes the kiss, opening her mouth and letting Carina’s tongue slide against hers. She tastes of coffee and chocolate, and it is new and familiar all at the same time.

Carina moans into the kiss, heat coursing through her, and she takes a small step forwards, shuffling Maya backwards, until she hits the desk. She is so caught up in the moment that she doesn’t care that the rest of nineteen are hanging out by the front desk, all she can think of is Maya and how good it feels to be in her arms, to be kissing her. It has only been three weeks but, oh, it has been a horrible three weeks and Carina feels all the tension in her body fall away as Maya sucks and nips at her bottom lip.

Carina lifts her hands to cup Maya’s face, pulling her lips away for a moment so that she can look at her. Her hair has grown quickly and sits in a cute bob, her blue eyes flare with desire, and her lips invite her in for another kiss.

“I really have missed you,” Carina says, her voice breaking a little.

Maya hears the emotion in her voice and her brow furrows with concern. “Bad day?”

Carina gives her a small nod. “But it’s better now. With you.”

Maya lifts one hand and tucks Carina’s hair behind her ears, stroking her soft skin as she runs her finger along her jawline and hooks it under her chin. She leans in and kisses her softly, the most tender touch that Carina has felt in weeks, and a warmth spreads through her chest. She drops her hands to Maya’s hips and curls them around the top of her thighs, lifting her up so that she perches on the desk. She pulls her knees apart and steps between them, pushing her body up against her and drawing her in to another kiss.

Maya hooks her ankles around the back of Carina’s legs and drags her hips closer. Carina’s hands tug at her shirt, searching for skin, battling with her as Maya tries to push her jacket off her shoulders. Carina claims dominance as she tears her lips away from Maya’s – ignoring her grumbles – and trails them down her neck, knowing that finding that sweet spot just below her ear will cause her to surrender. Maya sighs happily, her grasp on Carina’s jacket loosening.

Carina is just about win the fight against the buttons of Maya’s shirt when there is a knock on the door.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Maya mumbles.

Carina turns her head and Maya peeks out from behind her as the door opens and Travis’s face appears.

“Oh shit, sorry Cap,” he says, blushing as he shoots them an apologetic look. “Animal control are about to leave.”

With a heavy sigh, Maya extracts herself from Carina’s arms and drops her feet to the floor. “Give me five minutes,” she says to her girlfriend, “ I just need to make sure everything is sorted with the tiger.”

Carina’s face clouds with confusion. “The what?”

Maya’s lips curl into a smile as she tucks her shirt back into her pants. “You didn’t notice the big cat in the barn as you walked in?”

Carina shrugs. She’d only had eyes for Maya once she arrived at the station. Securing the last button, Maya walks across the office and pauses at the door, looking back over her shoulder.

“Don’t go anywhere,” she says, as if she is scared that she’ll come back and find out that she really is dreaming.

Carina smiles. It’s a promise that is easy to make.

“I won’t.”

Chapter Text

“Are you sure about this?” Maya asks, as she runs the tips of her fingers down Carina’s arm and links their hands together. She presses her lips against her hair, smiling as Carina turns her head slightly, leaning into her kiss.

Carina is snuggled against her chest, one hand now tangled with Maya’s while the other is hooked underneath her leg, enjoying the grip of her strong thighs around her waist.

“Yes Maya,” Carina says for what feels like the one-hundredth time. “I’m sure.”

“It’s just… it doesn’t make sense,” Maya says.

“Of course it does,” Carina says. “Your place is closer to work for both of us.”

“But it’s an apartment,” Maya points out. “You have this beautiful townhouse. It’s bigger…”

“Your apartment is cosy.”

“… it has a yard…”

“I don’t like gardening and you can barely keep your plants alive.”

Maya takes offence and flicks some soapy bubbles from her hand, watching as they land on Carina’s outstretched leg. “You have this amazing bathtub.”

That’s one she can’t argue with. Maya’s apartment only has showers which, okay, provide some fun but she does love a quiet evening in the tub together and Carina fully intends to make the most of their last night together in this house. Still, she can’t help but wonder why Maya is so unsure about it.

“Maya…” she starts, her voice tentative, “…are you having second thoughts about us moving in together?” She holds her breath, nervous for the answer.

“No! God no,” Maya says quickly. She squeezes Carina’s hand for reassurance. “I told you, I’m all in.”

“Then does it really matter where we live?”

“No,” Maya concedes. “It’s just…”

“Well then, it’s decided,” Carina interrupts. “Besides, I’ve already given notice to my landlord, half my stuff is in storage, and Andrea and Victoria are coming tomorrow to help us pack up the rest.”

“True,” Maya says, dropping her head to place a kiss on Carina’s shoulder and falling silent.

The niggling doubt that keeps plaguing her creeps back in and she pushes it down, refusing to let it ruin the moment. She doesn’t doubt that she loves Carina, or that she wants to live with her. But moving in with someone and making a life together is another thing that is new to her, and sometimes that overwhelms her and she wonders if she can do this.

She wants to, but she doubts herself.

It’s not just the pandemic that is unsettling her. Carina is her first in so many ways. Maya has loved before, but never like this; she has never been so in love with another person, and it is wonderful and scary all at the same time. Carina is the first person she has ever truly fought for; she has made mistakes in the past and been careless with people’s feelings, but this one she couldn’t shrug off. This was one she had to make right.

And Carina is the first person she has wanted to commit herself to, the first person she has seen a future with. She thinks about Doctor Lewis’s words often, reminding her to sleep and rest and love in this life, but there is always a voice in the back of her mind, doubting whether she is enough.

Because she never has been in the past, not even for her own father. 

“Bambina?” Carina pulls her out of her thoughts.

“Hmm?”

“Thai or Moroccan for dinner?” Carina prompts her.

“Oh. Uh, thai, I think,” Maya says, pushing those doubts away. She can do this. She will do this, because the alternative is unimaginable. She buries her face into Carina’s neck, nudging her nose against her ear and taking her lobe between her teeth, biting gently. She smiles when she hears Carina hum softly, and kisses her way down her neck to her shoulder. She lets go of Carina’s hand and trails a line under Carina’s breasts and over her abs, her thumb drifting upwards. Carina’s back arches under her touch.

“Maya,” she murmurs.

“Maybe we should think about getting out of the tub,” Maya suggests, not planning on going any further than the bed.

Carina shifts her body, twisting as far as she can while staying in Maya’s embrace. Her elbow nudges Maya’s side, hitting her ribs, and Maya lets out a little ‘oof’ at the unexpected assault.

“Maybe we can have some fun in the tub,” Carina says.

Maya smirks. “Oh yeah?”

Carina returns her smile as she places two hands either side of Maya’s hips and slides up her body, seeking her lips for a kiss. More water spills on to the tiled floor, the sound of splashing only drowned out by their giggles.

The alarm rings early the next morning, waking Maya with a jolt. She grunts with annoyance as she reaches out and taps at her phone screen until she catches the red button. She exhales as she gradually becomes aware of her surroundings, feeling Carina’s body curled into hers, smelling the scent of her shampoo mingled with the remnants of yesterday’s perfume. The fancy high thread count sheets on the bed are soft against her skin, cool against the early spring sunshine. She is too comfortable for it to be morning already.

“Can we keep your mattress?” Maya mumbles as she slowly opens her eyes, forcing herself awake. She squints through the morning light, her vision clearing to see Carina’s bare back facing her, hears her heavy breathing as she succumbs to her slumber. She is always slow to wake, not that Maya minds – coaxing her awake is one of her favourite things to do.

She sweeps Carina’s hair away to be able to leave a soft kiss at the base of her neck, her hand sliding over her hip until her fingertips tickle her soft abs.

“Hmmmmmaya.”

Maya grins as she plants another kiss on Carina’s shoulder. “You need to wake up,” she says softly. “It’s moving in day.”

There is a pause, until Carina suddenly shifts and rolls over to face her, a wide smile on her face.

“It’s moving in day,” she repeats.

Their heads move at the same time, their lips searching for each other until they meet in a sweet kiss, only breaking apart when Carina’s cell phone buzzes on the table beside the bed. With a low grunt of annoyance, she rolls onto her back and lifts herself up against the pillows, grabbing her phone.

“Andrew?”

“Schmitt,” Carina says, “with labs on my patient.”

“The one with the abdominal pregnancy?”

Carina nods absentmindedly as she scrolls through the message.

“Everything okay?” Maya asks, wondering if a complication is about to interfere with their plans.

“Si, it all seems to be fine,” Carina says. She falls back down onto the pillow and sighs.

Maya props herself up on her elbow, watching as Carina’s forehead crinkles into a small frown. “You still thinking you want to publish this one?”

“I’d love to,” Carina says wistfully, turning her head to look at her. “You know, two per cent of pregnancies end up being ectopic, but only one percent of those develop in the abdomen? It’s so rare, I’ve never seen it before. But with Covid…” The enthusiasm in her face turns into disappointment. “… there’s no way anyone will be interested in it right now.”

“What about your dad?” Maya says cautiously. “I bet he’d be interested. And it would give you an excuse to check in on him.”

She knows that Carina has been worried about him. Her phone calls go unanswered, her text messages and emails ignored. She hears bits and pieces through her family in Italy, but they are all reeling from the loss of her Uncle Ricardo, and so soon after Uncle Eduardo, that the antics of Vincenzo DeLuca are not high on their priority list.

Maya feels Carina’s body stiffen beside her, hears a slow exhale of breath before she finally answers. “Maybe,” she says non-committedly.

She doesn’t push any more, instead she leans over and places a soft kiss on Carina’s cheek, then sits up, taking the sheets with her.

“Hey!” Carina cries out.

“Come on,” Maya cajoles her. “Let’s get you packed up.”

Andrew arrives an hour later, a pile of flat-pack boxes tucked under his arm.

“Hey Maya,” he greets hers cheerfully when she opens the door to him.

Maya stands back to let him in. “Hey. Thanks for coming to help.” As he steps inside, she reaches out and takes some of the boxes from him to lighten his load.

“Anything to make sure my sister’s happy,” he says. His eyes smile at her. “I’m glad she finally saw sense.”

“Me too,” Maya says, grinning back from behind her mask.

They walk into the open plan living room, where Carina is wrapping up some of her art work. She doesn’t notice them at first and Andrew leans in towards Maya, lowering his voice. “She’s taking the vagina art with her?”

Maya shoots him a look that says ‘don’t ask’ and he chuckles, trying but failing to dodge the gentle nudge she gives him. The scuffle draws Carina’s attention away from her packing.

“Andrea, you’re here!” She puts on a mask as she stands, then rushes to him and hugs him, despite knowing she shouldn’t. Since he moved out, they are no longer a bubble, but it is the first time she has seen him since her Zia Alice broke the news of their uncle’s death and she needs to hold her baby brother in her arms for a moment.

“You okay?” he whispers so that only she can hear him.

She nods against his shoulder, strengthening her hold of him for a minute, before pulling back.

“How’s Meredith?”

His face darkens, the pain of his ex-girlfriend in a hospital bed evident. He shrugs. “Same as yesterday, and the day before, and the day before.” She can hear the frustration in his voice. “It’s Webber’s choice about whether to put her forward for a clinical trial.”

They both know it is not an easy decision. Clinical trials are so uncertain when they are still learning about what this virus is and what it does to the body.

“She’ll be okay,” Carina says with as much conviction as she can muster. “She has to be.”

They all need her to be okay, every doctor and nurse and clinician and orderly in the hospital needs her to be okay. It is bad enough that they are losing so many patients, they can’t lose one of their own too.

Andrew nods, shaking off his worries with a smile. “Well today is all about you. And I wouldn’t miss seeing my sister settle down!” he teases. Carina smacks his arms playfully and he feigns injury, rubbing his elbow in an exaggerated fashion. “Hey, what is it with you two?”

Carina laughs, grateful for the lighter mood. Andrew drops the boxes on the floor where the sofa used to be. “So, what can I do?”

Carina directs him to the kitchen, where he and Maya spend the next hour packing up what is left of the cupboards. Most of Carina’s plates and cutlery have gone into storage, but is some fancy glassware that is better than Maya’s cheap stuff and she insists on bringing her utensils and cooking equipment, half of which Maya has never seen.

“What is this?” she asks as she holds up a wooden tower with various arms jutting out of it.

“It’s a pasta rack,” Andrew says. “For drying pasta.”

Maya frowns. “Why don’t you just put it in the colander?”

Andrew laughs as Carina walks over, rolling her eyes as she places a kiss on Maya’s cheek and takes the rack from her hands. “It’s for when you make pasta from scratch, you have to let it dry before you cook it.”

“You make your own pasta?” Maya says, her eyebrows arching in surprise.

“Of course,” Carina says with a smile. “It’s the best way.”

“Or you could go to that Italian deli on Pine Street, their pasta is bellissimo.” He pinches his fingers and thumb together and brings them to his lips, then splays them out in a chef’s kiss. He laughs again when Carina glares at him.

Before they can get back into their packing, the doorbell rings.

“That’ll be Vic,” Maya says. She walks across the room and into the hallway, opening the door with an admonishing look on her face. “You’re late!”

Vic removes her sunglasses, revealing her sleepy eyes. “Sorry, sorry,” she says, waving aimlessly at her as she steps inside, taking three large gulps of what Maya presumes is coffee from a travel mug in her other hand.

“Big night last night?” Maya asks, an amused smile on her face.

“Oh yeah – me, Trav and another repeat of RuPaul’s Drag Race,” Vic says. She grimaces. “And two bottles of wine and a bottle of whisky.”

She starts to make her way inside when Maya stops her. “Hey – mask please.”

Vic frowns. “But we’re in a bubble?”

“You’re in a bubble with me, yeah – not with them.” She nods towards the kitchen, where Vic spots Carina and Andrew.

“Hey guys!” she says with a small wave, before doing as she is told and putting her mask on.

“Hello Victoria,” Carina greets her fondly.

“Hey Vic, long time no see,” Andrew says, with a cheeky salute.

Vic looks across at Maya. “Why does she always call me Victoria?” she says in a quiet voice. “It’s like being in a room with my mom.”

Maya tips her head to one side. “She thinks she doesn’t know you well enough to call you Vic.”

She might be hungover, but Vic is astute enough to notice the tinge of sadness in Maya’s voice. Carina is right, after all, they haven’t got to know each other since she and Maya have been dating. Even before the pandemic hit, they haven’t made the effort to hang out. Vic can’t even remember the last time they had a girls’ night. 

“Well, we’ll just have to change that,” Vic says, the caffeine taking effect as she bounces into the room. “So, where do you want me?”

“Uh, would you mind packing up the last of my books from the shelf please?” Carina asks.

“Sure thing,” Vic says.

Carina takes over from Maya in the kitchen so that she can help Vic with the books.

“You gonna be okay with these on your shelves?” Vic asks, as she flicks through one of Carina’s heavy journals on obstetrics. “Because I don’t remember you taking too kindly to Andy filling your ‘negative space’ with her stuff when she moved in.”

“That was different,” Maya argues. “Carina’s… different.”

Vic shoots her a look that Maya can’t decipher.

“What?”

“Nothing,” Vic says with a small shrug. “It’s just… you’re different too. I mean, you were the one who said that monogamy is for the weak.”

“Or the very very dedicated,” Maya corrects her. “And I’m very very dedicated to her.”

Maya falls quiet as her gaze drifts over to the kitchen, where Carina and Andrew are squabbling over the right way to pack her coffee machine. She knows she is different and it is not just Carina’s influence. Her captaincy, the run in with her dad, reconnecting with her mom – all these things are changing her.

“Hey, I mean it in a good way,” Vic says, clearly worried she has offended her.

Maya tears her eyes away from Carina to look at Vic. “I know.”

Vic grins at her. “I’m happy for you. You’re happier than I’ve ever seen you.”

Maya smiles. “And what about you?”

“What about me?”

“Any guys on the scene?”

Vic rolls her eyes. “In the middle of a pandemic? I can’t exactly go on a date when we have to keep six feet apart.” She tips her head towards the kitchen. “Although is, uh, Andrew dating anyone at the moment?”

Maya narrows her eyes and shakes her head. “Don’t even think about it.”

“What? Think of the fun we could have double dating!” Vic laughs, before holding up her hands in mock defence. “I’m kidding!”

“So there’s no chance of you and Jackson getting back together?”

“No, we are totally and definitely over,” Vic says.

“Are you really okay about that?” Maya asks. She knows Vic shrugged it off last time, but then so did she – and it was façade.

“Yeah,” Vic says. “He’s a nice guy, great in bed.”

“Too much information.”

“But it was never serious. And look, I’ve got options,” Vic says with a nonchalant shrug. “There is this one guy…”

“Oh!” Maya turns towards her. “Tell me more.”

“There’s nothing to tell really,” Vic says. “I don’t know his name or anything about him, I’ve never even spoken to him. I’ve seen him on my run a few times, he looks cute under his mask.”

“Maybe it’s time to fake a sprained ankle or a muscle strain, see if he comes to your rescue?”

“Huh, is that how you picked up Carina? Faked an injury so she’d take care of you?”

“Carina’s an OBGYN doctor,” Maya reminds her. “And she was the one who started a conversation with me.”

“Si, and it was the best thing I ever did,” comes Carina’s voice from behind them. She smiles at them as they both turn around. “I’m going to head upstairs to clear out the bathroom. Keep an eye on Andrea, make sure he doesn’t break anything?”

“Hey, I’ve got steady hands!” Andrew says, comedically juggling the ceramic mixing bowl in his hands. 

“Ha ha,” Carina deadpans.

Maya laughs at their sibling teasing, despite the dull ache it always brings as she thinks of her own brother. She turns back to the task in hand and continues to box away Carina’s books, a mix of medical journals, erotic fiction and Italian novels that will liven up her empty shelves.

“Has Andy said anything to you about Sullivan’s hearing next week?” Vic asks.

“No,” Maya says. In fact, Andy hasn’t said much to her lately.

She thought they were back on track after their fight, Pruitt’s death bringing them closer together. Except she feels like Andy has withdrawn from her lately and she doesn’t know why. She has noticed her sleeping at the station when they’ve been off shift and it was only yesterday, when she asked Jack about it, that he had told her about Andy’s temporary split from Robert as he recovers from surgery.

“Did they call you to speak at his hearing?”

Maya shakes her head. “No, because I didn’t know anything about it.” She still kicks herself for not seeing that something so serious was going on in her station, under her nose; irritated by the knowledge that it is another thing that her superiors will be judging her for. “They only called Ben.”

“Do you think he’ll lose his job? Sullivan, I mean.”

“I don’t know,” Maya says. “He’s always been well respected, but stealing drugs and taking them while on duty? That’s a big thing to forgive.”

“Poor Andy. She’s been through enough lately, she doesn’t need this as well,” Vic comments.

“Yeah,” is all Maya says.

“You know Ben’s worried the PRT’s at risk.”

“Well, between Avery getting shot and Sullivan stealing drugs, he probably should be,” Maya says sadly. “I think the Board will see it as too high risk.”

She jumps suddenly when the sound of smashed glass erupts in the kitchen. Her head whips round to where Andrew stands looking guilty, the bottom of the box in his hands hanging loose and six wine glasses broken into tiny pieces at his feet.

“Um…” he says.

“Steady hands, huh?” Maya mocks him.

“Do you think there’s any way she didn’t hear that?” Andrew asks, his mouth twisting.

“ANDREA DELUCA!”

Carina’s voice reverberates through the house, the sound of her feet against the hard wood floor warning them that she is on her way.

“No chance at all,” Maya says plainly.

Maya and Vic can do nothing but watch as Carina strides into the room and scolds her little brother for his clumsiness, talking a mile-a-minute in their native language. He argues back, although it is pointless.

“Okay you two,” Maya finally interjects. “Why don’t we start putting the packed boxes into the cars, while I clear up the broken glass? Then we can figure out what’s left.”

“Come on, DeLucs, I’ll give you a hand to make sure you don’t break anything else,” Vic offers.

The rest of the morning passes without any more disasters – although there are moments when Maya thinks to herself that she wouldn’t object if some of Carina’s odd-looking vagina art got damaged in the move, because she’s not sure she can get used to that hanging in her apartment.

Their apartment.

It feels odd to think about it no longer being just her space and to imagine Carina’s stuff mixed with her own. She feels a murmur of nervous excitement in her stomach and she smiles to herself.

It is a little before one o’clock by the time they get all the boxes out of Carina’s townhouse and into the cars. Carina insists that they stop for something to eat, ordering from Little Roma – a nod to the first night they met – and paying a little extra to get them to deliver, even though they are outside -the delivery area.

“I’m going to have to try this place if this is what their ragu does,” Vic comments, gesturing towards Maya and Carina, who sit closely side-by-side, as she tucks into another mouthful.

“Maybe somewhere to take your mystery man,” Maya teases.

Vic throws her dirty napkin at Maya, who leans into Carina to avoid it. Carina takes the opportunity to place a kiss on her forehead.

“Ugh, you two are gross,” Vic says.

Maya smirks as she swipes the last of the green beans. “Come on, let’s eat up so we can get going,” she says, feeling impatient all of a sudden.

She hurries them all along until they have finished all the food. Carina gives the house one last once over, bidding a silent farewell to each room and reminding herself of the memories made there.

“Is it hard to say goodbye?” Maya asks her as she closes the front door for the last time and posts the keys back through the letterbox.

“No, not at all,” Carina says, happiness exuding from her. “I have too much to look forward to.”

Two hours later and they have unloaded everything from the cars, the apartment in disarray. Maya hadn’t anticipated how much stuff Carina would be bringing with her and she wonders where it is all going to fit.

“Can I go home now?” Vic asks, wiping sweat from her brow as she drops the final box on the dining table. “This hangover’s killing me and Travis is threatening to watch the next episode of RuPaul without me.”

“Yes, you can go home,” Maya says. “Thank you for helping out today, I really appreciate it.”

Vic shrugs. “It was fun to hang out. We haven’t done it for ages.”

“Yeah, I know,” Maya says. “We should change that.”

Vic’s face lights up. “A moving in party? When Covid allows, obviously.”

It feels like a lifetime ago that they were dancing in Dean’s houseboat, both nursing broken hearts. Little had Maya known just how much her life would change in the twenty-four hours that followed, and how it would lead her back into Carina’s arms.

“Oh, a party sounds fun,” Andrew says, coming up beside them. “Count me in.”

“Who’s having a party?” Carina asks.

“Uh, we are,” Maya says, looking over her shoulder at her. “Apparently.”

Carina extends both hands towards their guests, holding out a small box for each of them. “A thank you gift, for all your hard work today. We couldn’t have done it without you.”

They watch as Vic and Andrew open their gifts.

“Bombolini!” Andrew says, immediately biting into one and licking his lips with delight.

Vic, meanwhile, lifts the box to her nose and inhales. “Tiramisu, oh I could eat this whole thing right now.”

Maya looks over at Carina and smiles. “I think they like their gifts.”

Carina laughs. “I think so too.”

They say their goodbyes, walking them to the door and wishing them well, then turn to survey the mess that has been left behind. Boxes and suitcases and art work are scattered everywhere, taking up every space that Maya usually keeps empty on purpose. She feels her skin prickle at the sight and pushes those feelings back down again, her uneasiness passing when she feels Carina’s arms wrap around her from behind, her chin resting on Maya’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry about the mess I’ve made in your apartment,” she says.

“Our apartment,” Maya reminds her, spinning around in her arms. She has Vic’s words in her head. “It’s your apartment too now, there’s room for you here. I made space for you in my closet and cupboards. And you can fill the shelves with whatever you want.”

Carina smiles and dips her head, catching Maya’s lips in a soft kiss.

“I’m really glad we’re doing this.”

“Me too,” Maya says. Not matter what doubts are lurking in the back of her mind, she knows she wouldn’t change a thing.

“Welcome home.”

Chapter Text

Maya wakes to her normal morning alarm at six a.m., except there is something very not normal about today. The sound of gentle snoring next to her, the lazy arm slung over her stomach and the hot breath against her neck reminds her that she has a permanent bedfellow now. Not just an overnight visitor, but someone who occupies a space in her life – and her apartment.

Carina has been living with her for only forty-eight hours and already Maya feels lighter than she has since the pandemic began. There is something to be said about facing this messed-up world together, of having each other’s backs when things get hard. Carina is such a gentle force compared to her own intensity, and Maya knows that she is already having a calming effect on her.

She turns off the alarm quickly but not before Carina grunts at the interruption to her slumber, although she refuses to open her eyes. It is her day off from work and Maya knows her well enough to know that there is no way she is going to get up early when she doesn’t have to. She leans over and plants a kiss on her temple, then slides out of her grasp.

It is harder to get out of bed for a run with Carina in it, she will admit, but Maya relies on her routine to keep in her check, especially during the stress of the pandemic. She never knows how much time she might have to work out in the station gym, since there is no way of knowing how busy a shift might be, and her body needs to work off the excess energy and tension she carries. She slips into her running gear and forces herself outside, ignoring the piles of unpacked boxes that clutter her usually tidy apartment.

Their apartment, she has to keep correcting herself.

It is a strange thought but one that feels good. Maybe it is a cliché but it is like she woke up with a smile on her face this morning knowing that Carina would be there, and will be there every morning from now on.

Carina is still asleep when she gets back from her run and Maya creeps into the bathroom to shower without disturbing her. A spare bottle of Carina’s shampoo has been resident in her apartment for the last couple of months, but now there is more of her stuff scattered on the marbled surface – her toothbrush, an assortment of creams and moisturisers, and does she really need two different brands of eye cream? Not to mention the bras that hang from the hooks to dry.

Maybe they need an extra vanity unit for storage, Maya thinks, to keep things more ordered.

She doesn’t want to be the person who starts instilling rules on her girlfriend the moment she moves in. Maya grew up with rules and order and lectures the second something was left out of place, due to her father’s watchful eye on everything they did, and she doesn’t want to be that person. She doesn’t want to be like him. So she leaves Carina’s toiletries where they are and ignores the irritation that bubbles inside of her, telling herself that it is just for a few days until Carina gets settled and she gets used to sharing her space with someone else.

Because she is happy, and she wants this, and she won’t let her father’s legacy on her life deny her the chance to build a life with the woman she loves for the sake of a bit of clutter.

She is surprised to find that their bed is empty when she steps out of the ensuite, the sound of clattering coming from the kitchen. Her head instinctively turns towards the door where she lifts her nose and inhales. Whatever Carina is cooking, it smells amazing.

Maya throws on some clothes and steps out of the bedroom to find Carina next to the stove, where she has just served up one portion of French toast and is currently grilling another. She doesn’t notice Maya at first, humming to herself as she sprinkles powdered sugar over the dish. Maya stands back and watches her for a moment, her eyes flicking to the chalk board on the wall that Carina has already changed to read ‘Buongiorno’. It draws a smile to her face and she wanders into the kitchen.

“Uh, I usually just make a protein shake and drink it on my way to work,” Maya says as she presses herself against Carina’s back and slides her hands around her waist, dropping a quick kiss on her bare shoulder.

Enticing her with something less healthy but far more delicious, Carina offers her a mouthful of warm, thick brioche, its crisp edges sticky with maple syrup. It practically melts against her tongue, an explosion of sweetness waking up her tastebuds.

“Hmm, okay, that might be better than sex,” she declares, groaning with delight.

Carina laughs. “That sounds like a challenge!”

Maya steps away and leans against the refrigerator, sighing. “I feel guilty being this happy when people are dying every day.”

It is a feeling that Carina knows too well. “Hmm, you feel guilty that Warren is not seeing his wife and kids, and we’re here in the shack?” She takes a plate of food to the table, which is already set for breakfast for two.

Maya turns, following her, a look of confusion on her face. “In the shack?”

“On the shack?” Carina suggests, her lips twisting as she tries to figure out what she is trying to say. “What is it?”

“Oh, you mean ‘shacking up’?” Maya says.

“Yeah,” Carina says, giggling at her own mistake. Her English is excellent but some of these idioms just don’t make sense to her. What the hell does ‘shacking up’ mean anyway?

Maya laughs and Carina steps up to her, grabbing her hips and pulling her closer. Maya’s hands cup her face and she draws her in for a kiss. Her lips are still sweet from the sugary syrup she has just enjoyed and they both can’t stop smiling, pushing aside their guilt to enjoy their shared happiness.

“Shacking up,” Carina repeats, heading back to the stove to retrieve the second piece of toast.

“Yes.”

“Shacking up. We’re here, shacking up.”

It is then that Maya finally takes in the chaos of the apartment; barely enough space for the two of them at the dining table thanks to the boxes that sit there. Carina’s art work adorns the walls, her books fill the shelves, and Maya feels her body tense at the mess. She tries to shake it off, reminding herself that they would have got further into the unpacking process if they hadn’t fallen into bed halfway through the day and stayed there, making up for the few weeks they spent apart.

Carina comes up from behind her and places a bowl of strawberries and blueberries on the table, to accompany the French toast, leaving a kiss on Maya’s cheek as she passes her. It makes Maya feel guilty for being so wound up by the mess when her girlfriend has got out of bed early to make her breakfast before work. She hears a voice in the back of her head telling her that she doesn’t deserve this, that she hasn’t earned such kindness; a voice that sounds vaguely like her father, and she hushes it.

“Thank you,” she says, forcing a smile. “This is really lovely.”

“I know the apartment’s still messy,” Carina says, as if reading her body language. “But it’ll be a lot tidier by the time you get home tomorrow, I promise.”

A little comforted by her reassurance, Maya sits down on one of the chairs and tucks into her French toast, ignoring the chaos and choosing instead to focus on the culinary masterpiece that her girlfriend has made.

Twenty-four hours later, Maya sits on a bench outside the hospital near the staff entrance, doing her best to keep out of sight of the security team who will move her on if they spot her hanging around. There are no visitors to the hospital at the moment, only those who are seeking medical treatment are allowed to be here to reduce the risk of spreading the virus. There is no busy thoroughfare like there usually is, and it feels eery and sad.  

Some people sit in their cars while their loved ones are inside, reading books or listening to music; some nervously tapping the steering wheel as they wait impatiently for news.

Maya feels the guilt returning as she remembers how happy she is now that Carina is waking up next to her each morning; how she smiles when she hears Carina’s slightly out-of-tune singing as she showers; how her heart leaps now that every day starts with a kiss. She still doubts that she deserves to be this happy, she still isn’t sure that she won’t totally screw this up. It’s not like she has a great track record of long term relationships, she was always taught to view them as a distraction.

And yes, she is learning day-by-day that those lessons were wrong, but her brain isn’t always wired to see it. At least she has Andy, who understands her and will call her out when she is being an idiot. She has Carina, too, who has already seen the worst of her and somehow found it in her heart to forgive her, and now makes her breakfast before work. Maya doesn’t want to ruin that by telling her that she is freaking out over French toast.

She thinks about what Andy said yesterday, about how she never felt safe around the breakfast table as a kid. It’s not like every day was bad and scary growing up, she has some happy memories from her childhood. But she sees it for what it was now; that her father set the tone every day and until they knew what kind of mood he was in, there would be an uneasy feeling in all of them. If Lane Bishop was in a good mood, they would be calm and relaxed. But if he was in a bad mood? Then they knew to tread lightly around him, to do as they were told and not upset him in fear of making it worse.

Maya doesn’t want to be like him; she doesn’t want to be the one who sets the tone every day, to have Carina waiting to see what kind of mood she is in when she wakes up in the morning. Wasn’t it supposed to be easier now that she has acknowledged and accepted her father’s actions when she was a kid? Except she can’t change who she is overnight and who she is… broken. At least, that’s how it feels, and she has no idea how to fix herself.

Her thoughts turn to her mom and how she found the strength to walk away from the man she had been married to for almost forty years. Maya knows she is struggling, her job at the doctor’s office is busy and stressful, and when Maya spoke to her a couple of days ago she could hear in her voice how overwhelmed she is feeling. It is no surprise, they are in the middle of a pandemic and she has only just started working after years of staying at home. What worries her more is the way her mom casually dropped into the conversation that Lane has been messaging her, telling her that she can give up her job and move home, that he will forgive her and take care of her. She tells Maya that she won’t do it, but Maya isn’t so sure about that. She knows how easy it would be for her mom to slip back into her old life.

Maya had promised to stop by and visit her (from an acceptable distance), but she hasn’t had the time yet, between work and Carina moving in. She knows she needs to make the time and resolves to stop by to check in later this morning.

She is still hopeful that her mom will have heard from Mason. She thinks of him often and hopes he is staying safe. She sees the way Carina is struggling with being so far away from her family in Italy, especially as they keep falling sick. Mason is somewhere nearby, she thinks – she hopes – and yet he feels further away.

“Penny for your thoughts,” a familiar voice interrupts her.

“Hmm?” Maya says absentmindedly, looking up to see Carina towering over her, her slim figure blocking the morning sun.

Carina sits down on the bench next to her. “Are you okay?” she asks, a concerned look on her face.

“Yeah,” Maya says, with a small shake of her head. “I was just lost in thought for a minute.” She reaches down to pick up the two takeout coffee cups by her feet. “Here, I brought you a gift.”

Carina is curious as she takes the coffee cup, her face breaking out into a smile when she sees the logo of her favourite local coffee shop.

“Fenton’s? I thought they closed down?” She takes a sip, humming in delight at the taste of her favourite Italian coffee beans.

Maya feels a warmth in her chest at how a simple cup of coffee can bring her girlfriend so much joy. “It turns out they bought a food truck and converted it, I found them by the park on my way here. I guess it’s cheaper than paying rent.”

Like so many businesses, Carina’s favourite coffee shop hadn’t survived the pandemic, the usual flow of early morning commuters now working from home and causing a big deficit in their finances. Carina had been heartbroken when she had turned up one morning to find a ‘closed’ sign on the front door, the little taste of home stolen from her.

“Thank you, bella,” Carina says. The coffee cup in her left hand, she reaches out with her right hand and wraps it around Maya’s, squeezing it. Maya runs her thumb over the back of Carina’s hand.

“Is this allowed?” Maya asks cheekily.

Carina has strict rules about how close they can get to each other after a shift until they have stripped their clothes and showered, still nervous about bringing the virus home to each other.

Carina shrugs. “So, are you going to tell me what’s on your mind?”

“Can’t I just stop by after a shift to see my girlfriend?” Maya says.

“Yes, of course,” Carina says with a sweet smile, “but I think there’s more to it than that.”

Carina has this unnerving way of being able to read her when she there is something on her mind, and she feels the alarm bells of her in-built security system going off again. Because living together is different from the occasional overnight stays, and Carina is going to get to know her even better now. And it’s what she wants but also want she is most afraid of, because it means that Carina will get to see who she really is, including the parts of her that have been moulded by her father.

When Maya doesn’t respond, Carina prompts her. “Was it a bad shift?”

“Hmm? No, it was okay. We had a couple of call outs, an electrical fire at an apartment that was home to a group of drag queens.” A smile crosses her face as she remembers their eccentricity. “There was a small explosion, Dean caught the worst of it.”

Carina’s face darkens. She hates to hear stories of Maya’s team getting hurt and always worries that Maya will be next. She knows that, as captain, her job is to control the situation, not to go running into burning buildings, but it still unsettles her. Seeing Maya, safe and healthy beside her, calms her anxiety and she pushes the thought from her mind.

“Is he okay?”

“Yeah, it was a dislocated knee. He’ll be fine, he got checked out at Seattle Pres.” She skips the part about Jack popping it back into place in the back of the aid car, never sure of how Carina will react to his name. “I’ll stick him on desk duty for the next week and he’ll probably moan about it,” Maya says with a wry smile.  

“Are you having second thoughts about letting Sullivan work at the station?” Carina asks. She knows Maya had mixed feelings about his hearing today and was under pressure from Andy to support him, despite the lingering resentment she can’t help but feel towards him. At least Sullivan had the sense to ask her to stay away – not that she had listened. Carina knew from Maya’s text messages yesterday that the team had shown up in solidarity to fight for him. He is like a cat with nine lives, she thinks – always landing on his feet.

“No, he’s a good firefighter and he deserves a second chance,” Maya says. After all, she was given a second chance. “The team are on board with it. Well, everyone except Miller.” She has a sinking feeling in her stomach when she remembers the last time she had two firefighters at war.  

Carina knows where her mind has gone. “You’re thinking of Rigo?”

“How can I not?” Maya says wearily. “I can’t let that happen again.”

“You won’t,” Carina says with the confidence that Maya doesn’t possess right now. “So if it’s not a bad shift and not Sullivan, what’s going on?”

“Andy and Sullivan are living apart,” Maya says.

“They broke up?” Carina asks in surprise.

“No, just ninety days while he recovers from his operation,” Maya says. “Apparently it was Amelia’s idea, to make sure he takes care of himself properly.”

“I suppose after losing her dad and finding her mom, Amelia’s worried he’ll be more focussed on Andy than himself,” Carina notes. “That’s tough for Andy though.”

“Yeah, she’s been sleeping at the station,” Maya says.

She glances sideways at Carina, whose expression doesn’t give away what she is thinking.

“So I, uh, I told her she could move in with us,” Maya says slowly. “Just until the ninety days is over.”  

Carina’s eyebrows arch. This isn’t exactly the moving in gift she was hoping for, their new domestic bliss now interrupted by a visitor in their guest room. She has a sense that, despite asking her to move in, Maya is struggling with the big change in her life, that the mess and chaos of moving in has disrupted her in a way that she perhaps wasn’t expecting. Carina gets it, she has lived alone all her adult life too and it is weird for her to move into someone else’s home instead of creating one from scratch. It is going to take them both some time to get used to.  

“I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you about it before I ask her,” Maya continues, knowing how pissed she would be if Carina did the same to her. “It’s just that she doesn’t have anywhere else to go.”

She doesn’t tell her that having Andy there feels like a safety net while she gets used to their new living arrangement; that having another person there will mean that Andy can listen to her frustrations instead of Carina, so that she has some chance of not making a mess of their relationship.

“Okay,” Carina says eventually.

“Okay?”

“Si, no-one should be alone in this mess of a world right now,” Carina says, knowing how lonely she has felt over the last few weeks. She knows that it can’t be fun living at the fire station right now. “You’d do the same if it was Andrea.”

“Of course I would,” Maya says immediately.

“Besides, it will give me a chance to get to know her better,” Carina says. She hasn’t really spent any time with Maya’s friends since they started dating and she wants to get to know them, and for them to get to see the side of Maya that she reserves for her.

“I’d like that,” Maya says. “Thank you. You’re amazing, you know that?”

Carina smiles. “I just hope she brings her ear plugs with her.”

“Ear plugs?” Maya says, a confused frown on her face.

“Well, you did say that my French toast was better than sex,” Carina says with a teasing smile. “And I plan on proving you wrong tonight.”

Chapter Text

Maya sits in the captain’s office working on her incident report, the letters forming an incoherent jumble as she stares at the screen. Her chin rests on one hand while the other fiddles with a spare pen, tapping its end against the wooden desk. There is a lot to write up today – Travis’s injured nose, Vic’s bruised jaw, Ben’s assault; not to mention the whole team’s exposure to the drug paraphernalia that was lying around the house of the couple they were called out to help.

At the time, she’d had little sympathy for them as she had watched Travis try to stop his nose from bleeding while the mother-to-be, Gina, was swinging a baseball bat wildly in the air. Beer cans and used needles scattered around the front yard, Maya’s patience wore thin as the situation escalated quickly. She had not hesitated to call the police department to the scene thanks to the erratic behaviour of their two patients.

With some hindsight, she sees it differently. They were two people who desperately need help to get their lives back on track, for the sake of their new baby as well as themselves. She knows it is possible that her report will be used to press charges against one or both of them, and she wants to write it with some empathy.

Except, next to her right hand, her cell phone sits open with the last message that Carina sent her, regaling her with a story about the meal she is prepping for dinner tomorrow. Maya had been immediately riled by it. She can just imagine the state of her kitchen right now; it was bad enough this morning with her pasta hanging to dry and the smell of her stinky cheeses lingering in the air.

So she hasn’t answered the message yet, because she doesn’t know what to say that doesn’t sound rude or snappy.

That doesn’t sound like her father when he was annoyed.

Instead, she tries – and fails – to focus on her incident report, but it is not good. Giving up, she changes out of her uniform and heads to the station gym, annoyed to find it already occupied.

“Sorry Cap,” Dean says as he lifts a heavy dumbbell. “I can be out of here in, like, ten minutes?”

Maya shakes her head, figuring she can find some chores to do as an alternative. “Don’t worry about it.” She nods towards his right leg. “Your knee doing okay?”

“Yeah, good as new,” Dean says. “Ready to get back on active duty.” He stares at her pointedly and Maya shoots him a knowing smile.

“Fine, you’re off desk duty,” she says, laughing as he woops with delight. No firefighter likes being stuck on desk duty, even if there is good reason for them to be. “But only if whatever’s going on between you and Sullivan won’t affect your ability to work with him.”

She’s not stupid, she heard about the argument they got into when the team got back from their call, and she still feels the impact of Rigo’s death.

“It won’t, I promise,” Dean says.

Maya nods, trusting him, and walks out of the gym, heading towards the bunk room where Vic is putting away the rolled hoses – or trying to, since she is still trying to hold a cold compress to her jaw at the same time.

“Shouldn’t you be resting?” Maya says, leaning against the door frame as she watches her.

“I will when I get this done,” Vic says, with a heavy sigh. Something is playing on her mind, Maya can tell, and she waits to see if it is something she wants to share. It isn’t long before Vic looks over her shoulder towards her. “I wish you hadn’t called the cops on that couple so quickly.”

Maya raises her eyebrows, surprised that Vic would still have sympathy for them after getting clocked by Eddie’s elbow.

“I didn’t have a choice,” Maya starts, but Vic interrupts her.

“There’s always a choice.”

“They were unpredictable and dangerous,” Maya reminds her. “My team was at risk. Look what happened to you, to Travis, to Ben.”

“We were handling it,” Vic argues back.

“No, we weren’t. They need help that we can’t give them,” Maya says.

“And the police can?” Vic says. “You think they’re gonna turn their lives around in jail?” She sighs, knowing she is taking it out on the wrong person. “Sorry, I’m just having one of those days where I’m pissed we can’t do more.”

“I know,” Maya says. She steps inside the room. “You should go and rest, I’ll finish up here.”

Vic looks at her with surprise. “Really?”

“Yeah. I need the workout.”

Vic doesn’t need to be told twice. She drops the hose in her hands and grabs her ice pack, brushing her shoulder gently against Maya’s as a sign of thanks as she passes her.

Maya gets to work, the physical demand on her body a relief from the tension she carries. She pumps her arms as she carries each hose to its resting place, squatting in between moves and enjoying the feel of her muscles burning. She thinks only of the task in hand and pushes everything else out of her mind.

She doesn’t notice Andy appear in the doorway until her voice captures her attention.

“Captain doesn’t stack hoses,” she points out.

“Only one person allowed in the gym at a time,” Maya says. “I’m making do.”

She can feel Andy’s eyes on her as she continues to put the hoses away.

“That family. They, uh, they remind you of the mess you grew up with?”

“No, no,” Maya says. What they saw today was far from the suburban life she grew up with. “My dad raged and threw things, but only at the walls. Never at us and never in front of the neighbours.” She slides one of the hoses onto the rack. “I’m afraid to go home,” she admits.

“To Carina?”

“No! God, no. Carina’s a salve,” Maya says. “It’s me, I’m afraid of how much I'm like my dad.”

Andy looks at her curiously and waits for her to continue.

“You know, my brother and I chose such opposite ways of dealing with him. Mason buried his head in the sand like my mom. And me? I just wanted to please him.” She throws another hose into the rack. “I made myself into a perfect copy of my dad so that he wouldn't find a reason to be mad at me. I spent so many years learning how to read his sighs and silences, the hunch of his shoulders. So many years mimicking the tone of his voice.” She sighs as she realises what has been playing on her mind ever since Carina moved in.

“I'm scared that by protecting myself from him, I turned myself into him.”

“You are nothing like him,” Andy says quickly.

Maya isn’t so sure about that. She feels it, bubbling away inside of her, every day. She sees it in her reactions, hears it in the words she says out loud.

“And for my thirteenth birthday, I was allowed to have three friends spend the night. I didn't have three close friends, but some girls from the softball team came over, and we hung out in the basement. We painted nails and talked about first kisses, and I pretended like I only liked boys.”

They both laugh at that.

“And this one girl, Holly, she went to the kitchen during the movie and she came back with a soda, and I freaked out. I asked her where she got that because those were my dad's and no one else was allowed to touch those. And Holly shrugged because she was thirteen and it was a can of soda.”

Maya pauses, panting, a combination of her workout and the way she can’t stop the words from spilling out of her mouth. The hoses are all tidy and she has nothing else to distract her from everything she thinks and feels.

“And then, sure enough, a few minutes later, my dad came tearing down the stairs. ‘Who drank my last soda?’,” she mimics him, exhaling deeply. “I can still feel every muscle in my body tensing up. And Holly was terrified; and he pointed his finger at her and he said, ‘Who said you could drink that?’. And she just stared at him, suddenly this… this tiny, little girl. And he came lumbering over to her and he ripped the can out of her hand. And he went back upstairs. And she called her mom, crying, and her mom came and picked her up.”

Maya grabs one of the rolled-up hoses that she has just stacked away, desperate to feel the aching in her muscles, the physical pain a distraction from the emotional pain she can’t shake, no matter how hard she tries.

“This morning, I woke up in the apartment and I looked around at her cheeses and her pastas and all of her wonderful everything, and I could feel the rage building inside of me. I could feel the ‘Who drank my last Coke?’ rage. Because I'm so used to having control over every last inch of my space. And now she's here, and it's terrifying. I am terrified that I am gonna snap at her like him and that she is gonna stop loving me and…” She shakes her head, almost too afraid to say it. “Am I broken?”

She feels broken. She feels like her father broke her down and she is trying to rebuild herself, except the pieces don’t fit together properly any more.

Andy looks at her with an empathy that she isn’t sure she deserves.

“Look, I'm still working on this one myself, Maya,” Andy says, “but I think being afraid to be like your dad is the first step to not being like him.”

Andy steps forward and takes the hose out of Maya’s hands, putting it back in the cage from where she has just taken it.

“And you should talk to your girlfriend,” she says pointedly. “Because Carina loves you and she’s not gonna stop loving you if you let her in. You need to trust her. And you need to trust yourself too.”

Andy reaches out and squeezes Maya’s arm in comfort, while pulling a face at her.

“Also, you need to go shower before dinner.”

Maya chuckles at that, comforted by Andy’s words, even though her stomach is still twisted into knots. She hasn’t thought about that memory for years and now it is all she can think about.

With the hoses in their rightful place and the bunk room tidy, Maya takes Andy’s advice and heads to the showers, before going back to her office to finish her report. As she steps inside, a familiar face waits for her.

“Diane.” Maya immediately reaches for the mask in her back pocket and hooks it around her ears.

Diane Lewis spins in her chair and stands up, although she keeps her distance. “Captain Bishop, it’s nice to see you.”

“You too,” Maya says with a small frown, surprised to see the psychologist in her office. “But I wasn’t expecting you, was I?” She walks around the desk and sits in her chair, wondering if she missed an email.

“The department asked me to stop by each station to check in with the teams, make sure everyone is coping with work and lockdowns and sickness,” Diane explains. “I was visiting Station 23 and thought I’d pop in to see if you were around. I just saw Travis sporting a swollen nose?”

“Yeah, we had a tricky call earlier today,” Maya says, twisting her lips regretfully.

Diane sits back down in her chair. “So, how’s it going here?”

That feels like a big question.

“I think everyone’s doing as well as they can, you know,” Maya says. “It’s busy, we’re seeing a lot more call outs, so everyone’s tired all the time – on top of worrying about their families and loved ones. I’m trying to go easy on them if chores don’t all get done.” She shoots Diane a wry smile. They both know she has high standards. “I’m spending time with B and C shifts too.”

Most of her shifts are with A team, as it has always been, but she switches it up every now and again, making sure to have 1-2-1 time with everyone under her care. It is exhausting, but she steps up because it is her role as captain.

“And what’s that like for you?”

“For me?”

Diane smiles kindly. “Leading a fire house in the middle of a pandemic can’t be easy. You have to take care of yourself as well as your team.”

“Oh, I’m fine,” Maya says dismissively.

Diane looks at her with a look on her face that says she isn’t convinced by her answer.

“I am,” Maya insists. “I have a great team at work…” She smiles wistfully. “And I have a great girlfriend at home.”

Diane looks interested in that piece of news.

“Carina. She’s a doctor at Grey Sloan. We’ve been together for four months,” Maya says. She doesn’t know why she is telling Diane all this, but she has a way of getting her to talk. “I know moving in together is quick...”

“I don’t think relationships should be dictated by time,” Diane says. “Does it feel right?”

Maya smiles. “Yeah, it does. It feels good – really good.” The smile drops from her face quickly as she remembers the way she hurried out of the apartment this morning.

“But?” Diane asks, picking up that there is something on her mind.

Maya doesn’t know how to respond to that, so Diane waits and watches her, leaving Maya wondering if this is her ploy to get her to fill the silence. It works though, and Maya silently berates herself for falling for her trick.

“It’s the first time I’ve ever lived with someone,” Maya eventually says. “I mean, I’ve lived with friends, but Carina’s the first girlfriend – or boyfriend – that I’ve lived with. So it’s new – and different.”

“That’s a big step to take on top of everything else you’re dealing with,” Diane observes.

“I guess, but not being with her when everything around us is falling apart was hard – for both of us. We’re better together.”

Diane smiles. “Well then, it sounds like it’s the right move for you both.”

“Yeah, I just hope she doesn’t regret it.” She immediately wishes she had not been so open. “I mean…”

Diane tips her head to one side. “Why would she regret it?”

Maya rolls her eyes. “The last time you were here, I told you how broken I am.”

“You think you’re broken?”

“You don’t? I was jealous of Rigo for being dead. I dreamed of finding solace in the clouds.” Maya sighs. “My girlfriend is the sweetest, kindest person that I have ever met. She makes me French toast for breakfast and I want to run in the opposite direction before I ruin it all.” She shrugs. “Because I will ruin it. Because I’m broken.”

Diane twists her lips thoughtfully and Maya hopes that she has a quick fix for her broken thoughts.

“I don’t believe in the idea that people are ‘broken’,” she says.

Maya looks at her cynically. “You’re a therapist, isn’t that your job? To fix broken people?”

“I help heal people,” Diane corrects her. “Look, I think emotional scars are like physical ones – like Travis’s nose. Bad things happen and sometimes that trauma will leave a scar. Some of those scars are deeper than others and take longer to heal, but they do heal. And yes, sometimes those scars will leave a mark forever. But with some kindness and tenderness, it becomes a blemish. Something that you might notice once in a while, but doesn’t impact your life.”

She leans forward in her chair.

“Let me ask you this, Maya. Do you still look for solace in the clouds? With all the stress and craziness of the pandemic, have you thought about disappearing into those clouds to escape?”

Maya shakes her head. “No. I just…” She smiles to herself, understanding the point she is making. “I just want to be with Carina.”

Diane returns her smile. “It sounds to me like those scars of yours are starting to heal. And it takes time, you can’t expect trauma to disappear overnight, even when you take big steps forward. You need to be patient with yourself, you won’t get it right every time.” She smiles. “That’s what an apology is for.”

Maya nods slowly, lost in thought as she takes in Diane’s advice. They have never spoken about her father’s abuse, only his ‘eyes forward’ lesson, but Diane has been doing this job long enough to recognise a deep-rooted fear instilled in someone who worries they will never escape their past.

“I’m gonna go and talk to the rest of the team,” Diane says, standing up. “It was good to see you, Maya. Feel free to call me any time you want to talk, okay?”

Maya stands up to see her out, straightening her shoulders as she shakes off her moment of vulnerability. “Thank you, Diane, for coming stopping by to see us. I appreciate it.”

“You’re doing a great job here. Just remember to go easy on yourself too.”

Diane exits the office and heads upstairs to see who she might find in the beanery. Maya’s eyes drift down to her cell phone, Carina’s message from earlier still answered. She opens it up and types a quick message.

Spaghetti puttanesca sounds great. I can’t wait to spend a quiet night at home with you. I love you.

She can get used to the pasta maker and stinky cheeses,  right?

She is not her father.

Carina dries her hands on the dishtowel and picks up her cell phone, smiling when she reads Maya’s message. She is still getting used to Maya’s shift pattern and spending every other night by herself in her new home – more sometimes, when Maya swaps shifts to be with B team or C team – and she looks forward to the nights when Maya is home with her the most. She misses going out for dinner and especially those evenings when she can persuade Maya to go dancing with her, and she can’t wait for the day when everything reopens; but, for now, a quiet night with her girlfriend is the tonic she needs to get through each difficult day.

She looks around the kitchen at the mess she has created. Just because she doesn’t say it, doesn’t mean that Carina doesn’t know that Maya doesn’t like the chaos she creates in the kitchen with her homemade pasta and hanging basket of vegetables and assortment of Italian cheeses.

But she can’t give them up. There are some days she is barely holding on and looking around at these reminders of home keep her going.

When she was six years old, her Mama had taken her into the local town one Saturday morning. Andrew was just a baby and he had taken his first steps that week, and Carina had been feeling a little put out by all the attention he was getting. Mama knew that and had invited her to help with her chores, their first stop being the local deli. If she stood on tiptoes, she was just tall enough to peer into the cabinet, her sticky figures marking the glass as she tried to keep her balance. In front of her was more cheese than she had ever seen, more than the spread that her aunt and uncle used to put on for every family gathering. They let her try a few – some hard and nutty, some soft and creamy. Afterwards, Mama took her to get a milkshake and it had been just to the two of them, for the first time in a long time, and Carina had been so happy to have that time with her.

When she was eight years old, and Andrew was still a toddler, they had both come down with chicken pox – a gift from another child at Andrew’s nursery. Andrew had been cranky, he wasn’t sleeping and would cry for most of the day. Mama had tried to distract them with the television, back when they only had a few channels to choose from and no internet to scroll through, so they had to settle on something they would both watch. On day three, Carina developed some blisters in her mouth and had refused to eat, complaining that it hurt too much. Mama had sat them down at the kitchen table and they had chopped up fruit – soft fruit for Carina and Andrew with their blunt knives, apples and pears for Mama. They had made fruit smoothies for Carina to drink, adding ice to the blender so that the liquid was cool against her sore throat, and she remembers how comforted she was by the care they both showed her.

When she was thirteen years old, she’d had her heart broken for the first time. Everyone called it a silly crush, a boy called Bruno in her class who all the girls liked. Carina had been on top of the world when he had invited her to the cinema on a Saturday afternoon, except she had been left waiting for him, only to find out that he had stood her up to take another girl bowling. She had called home, sobbing down the payphone to her Papa, who had jumped straight into his car to come pick her up. He had taken her to the family restaurant run by Zia Alice and Zio Ricardo, where they had pulled her into the kitchen and let her help them make dinner for the early diners. It had been the first time she had ever made ravioli, filling them with lobster and ricotta and sausage meat, and her Zio Ricardo had praised her delicacy with the thin pasta sheets he had rolled out.

When Mama and Andrew left for America, her Nonna had turned up and dragged her into the kitchen to teach her how to make her famous minestrone soup, packed full of vegetables and beans and pasta. Carina had not cared much for it at the time, but the chopping and stirring and seasoning had distracted her from the gaping hole in her heart at losing two of her most favourite people in the whole world. It became her go-to meal during medical school when she was stressed by her studies and exams. It is the same soup her Nonna brought round every day in the week after Mama died, with fresh bread from the bakery, forcing her to sit and eat when her grief weighed her down so heavily.

As she looks around the kitchen now, these memories fill her mind and, if she closes her eyes, she is back in Italy, the sights and sounds and smells of home flooding her senses. Despite the aching in her heart from the distance between them, thoughts of her family also bring her comfort, knowing that she carries them with her wherever she is.

Her Papa continues to avoid her calls. He sent her a text message a few days ago, talking about a Covid research project that he is trying to start. He didn’t ask how she was, or how Andrew was doing, or what life was like for them in America. His focus was solely on himself and his work, like usual. In fact, Carina can’t remember the last time he expressed any concern for her or her brother, even though he knows about Andrew’s recent breakdown. Not that she is surprised. Acknowledging Andrew’s bipolar would mean acknowledging his own, and he refuses to do that.

It is too late in the day to call him, so she sends him a message, asking if he has checked in with the family lately. Her Nonna is sick, but refuses to leave the house to see a doctor. It is almost like she is resigned to her fate. If she is going to die, she is going to do it on her own terms and in her own bed. She has always been stubborn and, despite the grief she feels at potentially losing one of the most important women in her life, Carina can’t help but smile at how she refuses to let anyone else dictate her life – although it is a smile tinged with sadness, like so many are these days.

Every positive has a negative, and every negative has a positive – that is how life feels at the moment.

She shakes her body, as if trying to expel the negative feelings from her, returning to the kitchen to tidy up. She needs to keep busy on her days off when Maya is working to stop her from sitting with her feelings too much.

Dinner is a lonely affair. Maya video calls her from her office to say hello, but no sooner as she has answered, the station alarm goes off and Maya has to go. Not in the mood to spend the night in front of the television, Carina retreats to the bedroom to curl up under the sheets with her book. Reading has become a relief from the real world, escaping into in the lives of fictional characters who don’t have to worry about a global pandemic.

It is just after ten o’clock when her eyes start to droop, tired from reading. She perseveres for a while until it is no good and the letters start rearranging themselves on the page. She is about to turn in for the night when her cell phone rings. There are only three people in her contact list who have their own ringtone: Maya, Andrea… and Papa.

It is almost eight a.m. in Italy and she answers immediately.

“Papa, ciao.”

Vincenzo DeLuca doesn’t bother with a ‘hello’. Instead, he launches straight into telling her more about the Covid trial he is trying to start. Carina tries to interject but he ignores her, and in the end she gives up, letting him talk at her instead of to her.

“So, are you in?”

“In what?”

Vincenzo sighs dramatically. “To help with my trial,” he says. “Me in Italy, you and Andrea in America. The DeLucas working together again!”

It is like he has forgotten how badly it went the last time when he came to Seattle with his external gestational sac project.

“I also have some contacts in England and Switzerland who are interested.”

“Do you have the money to fund this project?” Carina questions.

She hears him purse his lips. “Not exactly. I was hoping you and Andrea could…”

“No Papa,” Carina cuts him off.

“Carina!”

“Papa, are you staying safe? Wearing a mask and following the rules?” Carina asks, using the phone call as a chance to check up on him. “Have you talked to Nonna recently?”

Nonna may be her Mama’s mom, but the Rossi family had set aside their misgivings about her father to embrace him into their family when Lucia and Andrew had moved to America – or they had tried to. Vincenzo was resistant, of course, although he leaned on them to help raise his wilful daughter.

“This trial could help her,” Vincenzo says. “It could open up new treatment methods, maybe even a cure. Imagine it, Carina – the DeLuca vaccine!”

“Papa…”

“Are you willing to help me or not?” Vincenzo demands, growing impatient. “Or are you just going to waste your career delivering babies?”

It is a common trait with him, resorting to insults when he is not getting his own way. Carina – being the person who often tells him ‘no’ – is used to bearing the brunt of these insults, usually at the expense of her chosen field.

“I don’t just deliver babies, Papa, you know that,” she reminds him, but it falls on deaf ears.

“You have the chance to be at the forefront of developing medicine! To excel!” Vincenzo says. “You have the chance to do something worthwhile for a change.”

“What I do is worthwhile,” Carina says.

“Pfft. This trial could lead to accolades and awards. Money for whatever research projects you want to do in the future. You could move away from obstetrics and go into a proper speciality.”

Carina bites her lip. She knows that arguing with him is pointless when he is like this, and her silence aggravates him even more.

“Fine, don’t help me,” Vincenzo says. “I’ll call Andrea, he has always excelled greater than you anyway.”

Carina blinks back tears as he hangs up the phone. Maybe she should have been more willing to listen to him, to hear him out – to keep him calm. But there is no calming Papa when he is manic.

She sends Andrew a quick message to warn him to be wary if he gets a phone call from their Papa, then sends another to Maya to let her know that she is about to sleep and that she loves her, comforted when she gets a quick response, telling her she is loved back.

Carina turns off the light and closes her eyes – not that sleep comes easily. She is too wound up by her father’s phone call to be able to rest. She tosses and turns for the next few hours, wishing Maya was there to soothe her, until exhaustion wins.

Her alarm wakes her up the next morning after a disturbed night, marred by dreams of her mama and papa and family, that all start happily but finish with twisted endings where someone gets sick and dies, because that is what keeps happening to the people she loves right now and she can’t control it or stop it from happening.  

Maya is running late after her shift thanks to a late night call to a house fire, which upsets her even more, because it means they will only have a brief moment together before Carina has to get to work. She is packing the last of her belongings into her bag when Maya walks into the apartment.

“Hey,” Carina greets her, noticing the exhaustion in the way she looks and moves.

In the comfort of her own home, Maya removes her mask and walks towards her, one hand reaching out, and seeking a kiss.

Despite the desire for her physical touch, Carina leans away. “Ah ah ah ah ah, shower first,” she insists. She won’t break her own rules, always fearful that they might make the other one sick. It might be pedantic, but it is one thing that Carina can control.

“Seriously?” Maya questions her.

Carina’s skin prickles with irritation. Maya knows the rules, she knows how important it is that they keep each other safe. “Bella…”

Clearly disgruntled, Maya takes her bag from her shoulder and dumps it unceremoniously on the table with a heavy sigh as she strips herself of her denim jacket. “Okay, I'm sorry, but what is with our kitchen becoming a cheese cellar?”

Carina recognises immediately that she is trying to pick a fight, which is usually a sign that there is something on her mind that she is trying to work through.

“It reminds me of home,” Carina says, trying not to take the bait.

“Yeah, I know. You said that, but it is starting...”

Carina usually has more patience when Maya is like this. In the past, she would have insisted that they talk about it but she learned the hard way that pushing Maya to talk when she isn’t ready isn’t the right thing to do.

Except the lack of sleep and constant worry she carries means she doesn’t have any patience for her grumpy mood today.

“Maya, my home is really scary right now. It's worse than here – and here is really bad.” She thinks of the phone call from Papa last night. “I'm… I'm scared for my dad.” She steps back into the kitchen to create some space between them.

Maya’s shoulders drop, realising that she has slipped back into the pattern that she is trying so desperately to break.

“He was never the one to follow the rules,” Carina continues, “and I cannot be there to take care of him and to make sure that he does what he's supposed to. So, um…” Her voice starts to shake as she pours herself a coffee into her travel mug. “It feels good to look up and to be reminded of… of the good memories of Italy instead of the constant fear and worry.”

She wants Maya to get it, she needs her to get it. She needs Maya to have as much patience with her way of dealing with this messy world as Carina has for hers.

“I'm sorry,” Maya says eventually. Her body language tells Carina that she means it.

“You don't have to be,” Carina concedes, giving her some slack. She doesn’t want to argue with her about this, or anything. She walks back towards the table and places her mug next to her bag. “I’ve gotta go get ready to bring some babies into this terrifying world.”

She heads into the bedroom to grab her jacket.

“I did that today,” Maya calls after her.

“You did what?” She steps back into the hallway as she pulls on her coat.

Maya moves across the apartment to stand in front of her. “I brought a baby into this terrifying world.”

Carina raises her eyebrows curiously. “You did?”

It feels like a concession from Maya, like a way of finding common ground between the two of them after their sniping.

“I mean, brought – maybe more like caught,” Maya explains.

Now Carina is even more curious. “Tell me everything.”

“Well, first I'm gonna shower,” Maya says, turning playful, “and then I will tell you all about it – naked, in bed.”

If she is trying to make up for snapping, it works. She pulls Carina into the bedroom, making her laugh. “No. No Maya!”

Once inside the bedroom, Carina wriggles out of Maya’s grasp. “I can’t. I want to but I have to get to work.”

Maya pouts. “Tonight then?”

Carina nods. “Si.” She watches as Maya pulls off her t-shirt and pants, sees her relax a little from whatever caused her to snap when she walked into the apartment. “Are you okay?”

“I’m…”

She is pretty sure that Maya is about to tell her she is fine, but she stops herself, the corners of her mouth dropping.

“I’m trying,” Maya says. “Us, living together, sharing a space that used to be mine. I know I’m not very good at it sometimes, but I’m trying.”

Carina feels her stomach flip. “Do… do you still want to do this?”

“Live together? Of course I do,” Maya assures her. “I want it so much. I’m just… I’m adjusting, that’s all.”

“Me too,” Carina says. “You’re not the only one who’s used to living alone, remember? It’s new to me too.”

Maya smiles. It never ceases to amaze her how understanding Carina is with her. “So tonight? Me and you?”

Carina smirks. “Me and you – and Andy?”

Maya blushes. “Right, I forgot.”

Carina’s cell phone pings. “Ah, it’s Bailey, there’s a trauma coming in she needs me for. I’d better go.” She pauses. “We’ll find our hole, you know?”

Maya shoots her a look that tells her she didn’t get that one right, her lips twitching with amusement.

“Slit?”

“Worse than hole,” Maya says, laughing. “You mean we’ll find our ‘groove’?”

“Ah, si, yes,” Carina says, with a resolute nod. “We will.”

With a lingering look at her half-naked girlfriend, Carina steps out of the bedroom in search of her bag, smiling to herself when a cry of “I love you” follows her down the hallway.

Chapter Text

Carina knew from an early age that she would be a doctor, it was like she was in training for it her whole life. Meal times were always full of discussion about the big traumas that her Papa had worked on, the number of lives he had saved that day, or the research projects that were going to change the face of modern medicine – so he said. During school holidays, he would wake her up just as the sun was rising and take her to the hospital with him, where she would sit and watch him work for hours at a time. She was in awe of him; how clever he was, how his colleagues respected and admired him. Someone was always knocking on his door, seeking his opinion or just to see what he was working on.

One Christmas morning, she woke up to a pile of presents from Babbo Natale and she had ripped them open one by one – quickly, because otherwise little Andrea would get his sticky hands on them – and had squealed with joy when she found the game of Operation hidden under the bright wrapping paper. One of Papa’s colleagues had an old version in his office at work, the buzzer broken much to her annoyance, and she had been pestering him to buy her a new one.

She heard Mama scold him sometimes, reminding him that it was up to Carina to choose her own path in life, but Papa would scoff and tell her that being a doctor was in her blood. His father had been a doctor, and his father before him. He spoke with such pride at his first born following in his footsteps, and Carina knew she would never let him down by choosing something different.

Even as Papa’s mania got worse, and she saw him blamed for the death of four patients, her desire to follow him into medicine never wavered. She still saw it as her calling – a vocation, not just a job.

So she had been a diligent student and passed all of her exams, getting into medical school easily. Both Papa and Mama had been proud of her, and she still has the small silver bracelet they gave her to celebrate her success.

Medical school had been a lot harder than she had anticipated. Three years of lectures and lab time, followed by three years of clinical training. Her internship had been a whirlwind, fuelled by caffeine and the kindness of the bistro down the road from her studio apartment who kept her fed when she barely had time to cook for herself.

She hadn’t planned to be an OBGYN. She always thought she would go into trauma, like Papa.

Until Mama died.

It was supposed to be a mother-daughter bonding trip. Carina was in her fifth year of medical school and had just finished her end-of-year exams. Mama was going to take her to San Marino to sleep and relax and reconnect. She had only been in Milan for a couple of days when she collapsed – a stroke, Carina was told by the doctors at the local hospital as they tried desperately to revive her.

Had she been feeling unwell? Did she have any medical conditions they should be aware of? Was she taking any medication?

Questions that Carina couldn’t answer after years apart.

Yes, Mama had looked tired when Carina picked her up from the airport, but the flight from Wisconsin had been almost eleven hours and the time difference left her feeling pretty jet-lagged. Later, when Andrea arrived and he could provide the medical background that was missing, she would learn that Mama had been suffering from headaches, fluid retention and hot flushes – all signs that pointed towards her being menopausal.

It was a part of growing older, she had thought, and a week in San Marino with her daughter would be the perfect tonic.

Except what no-one ever tells you is that oestrogen is a vasodilator, it helps keep the blood vessels open, and as women grow older and produce less oestrogen, it means that their bodies have to work harder, making them more susceptible to a stroke.

The menopausal symptoms that Mama had been suffering were masking a bigger problem of high blood pressure, which had caused her stroke.

Carina was twenty-three years old when Mama died, an adult according to most – but, during the months that followed, she felt like a child again. She was quiet and petulant, she refused to clean or cook or look after herself. She was simply existing, occupying a space in the world instead of living in it.

Despite the grief she carried, she had somehow got through her last year in medical school and passed her national exam, jumping straight into a five year OBGYN residency. Papa had called her stupida, but she had ignored him. Her mind was made up. She would make sure that no woman would suffer the same fate as her mama, that no child would have to bury a parent too early because of something that is, in most cases, preventable.

Most people think that being an OBGYN is all about delivering babies and, yes, it is a big part of her job. She gets to bring new life into this world, to help people grow their families. She gets to experience the joy of placing a newborn into the arms of their parents and watch them fall in love before her very eyes. It is beautiful and heartwarming, and she often finds herself feeling envious of them.

It comes with heartbreak too. She sees mamas who can’t have babies and mamas who lose babies, whose bodies betray them from the thing they were evolved to do. Science has come a long way, but it can’t fix everything.

She tries. She advocates for advances in women’s medicine; her research projects push boundaries, just like Papa taught her. Carina loves her job and even on the worst days – and there have been so many of them during the pandemic – she sees the good she does in the world.

And then there are days like today.

She gets paged to the pit towards the end of the afternoon.

“Thanks for coming so quickly,” Teddy greets her, immediately ushering her to one side of the room.

“How can I help?” Carina asks.

“We have a domestic violence victim in trauma room two,” Teddy says in a low voice. “Her neighbour heard shouting and screaming, and called the police. They found her on the bathroom floor, her husband had locked her in there. She’s conscious. She has a broken arm and nose, and she’s complaining of pain down her left leg. We need to get her to radiology but we have to preserve any evidence first.” She sighs heavily. “I need to get back to the Covid ICU, Meredith and Tom need me. I’m sorry to call you down for this but would you mind doing the rape exam?”

Carina’s heart sinks. It is the worst part of her job.

“Of course,” she agrees, even though she doesn’t want to do it. Who would?

“Helm is in there with her getting her medical history. Her name’s Valerie, she’s forty six years old,” Teddy says. She reaches out and squeezes Carina’s arm, and they share a knowing look. “Thanks.”

Carina pauses outside the trauma room, steeling herself for the task ahead. She takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly between pursed lips. She knows what she needs to be to this woman, that she cannot be anything but strong and focussed.

She pushes the door open and walks into the room, accepting the chart from Helm and scanning it quickly before turning to her patient.

“Valerie, my name is Doctor Deluca,” she says calmy. “Carina. Doctor Altman has asked me to take care of you.”

The woman on the gurney rolls her head away, refusing to acknowledge her. Carina gives her a moment, knowing not to push her.

“Valerie? I’ve been asked to carry out an examination to check your injuries and collect evidence from your body,” Carina explains. “That evidence will be given to the police who will use it to establish what happened to you.”

She purposely doesn’t talk about her husband or accuse him of being her attacker. Experience tells her that, despite her injuries, Valerie may not be ready to accept that it was him.

“I won’t do my examination unless you tell me that it’s okay,” Carina continues.

She watches as a small tear trickles down Valerie’s cheek, her head moving in a small but definite nod.

Carina walks around the gurney to the side of the bed and sits on a stool, bringing herself down to Valerie’s eyeline. “I’m going to explain to you what my examination is going to involve so that you know what to expect. You can tell me to stop at any time. You can say no at any time and I will listen, okay?”

“Okay,” Valerie says, her voice trembling.

“First of all, we need to take off your clothes, including your underwear. They’ll be put into special bags to preserve any DNA and fluids and evidence that might be on them. Then we will need to take photographs of your injuries…”

She sees Valerie stiffen, more tears falling.

“…which I know is the last thing that you want, but it’s important because your injuries will heal and we need to have evidence of what they look like today.”

Valerie nods and Carina takes it as a sign to continue.

“After that, we’ll collect any evidence we can from your body. That includes anything on your skin or in your hair or under your fingernails. I will also need to do a pelvic exam and take samples from your genital area. That means inserting a swab inside of you. I’ll need to put your legs into the stirrups, like a pap smear. Have you had one of those?”

“Yeah,” Valerie says quietly.

“If it feels too hard, then let me know. Doctor Helm is here to help me with the examination, but she’s also here to support you and if it helps for her to hold your hand, then she will, okay?”

Valerie nods again, her eyes flicking towards the young resident, before returning to look at Carina – or rather, Carina’s identification badge that hangs from her pocket, unable to look her in the eyes.

“The last step will be to take a blood sample. We’ll do a pregnancy test and screen it for any STIs, just in case. Once we’re done, we’ll take you to have a shower and give you some clean clothes to wear, before taking your radiology to make sure there aren’t any other broken bones. Then we’ll fix your nose and arm.” She offers her patient a small smile. “Do you have any questions?”

“How… how long will all this take?” Valerie asks.

“It’s going to be several hours before you can go home. I’ll try and get through my exam as quickly as I can, but I need to make sure that I get everything I can from you.”

“Okay,” Valerie says despondently.  

“Before we start, I need to ask you some questions about your recent sexual activity,” Carina says, looking over her shoulder at Helm to make sure she takes a note of the answers. “Before today, can you tell me the last time you had sexual intercourse?”

“Um, last week. Tuesday, I think,” Valerie says, her face flushed.

“Was that with your husband?”

Valerie’s face crumples and she nods her confirmation.

“Was the sex consensual?”

“Yes, of course,” Valerie says, prickly at the insinuation. “This is the first time… he lost his job and he’s been depressed and I… I forgot to press his shirt for an interview he had…”

She trails off.

“I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Carina says. “Nothing. This is not your fault, Valerie.”

She isn’t sure that Valerie believes her, but doesn’t say anything else. She needs to focus on her job for now.

“I’m sorry I have to ask these questions, but I need to make sure that the evidence I’m collecting is connected to what happened today. Did the sex last week leave you with any injuries? Like bruises or bite marks?”

Valerie lets out a small laugh at that. “No. No, it was just normal, unexciting sex.”

“Have you had sex with anyone other than your husband recently?”

“No,” Valerie says, shaking her head. “Not in the last twenty years.”

“Okay, thank you, Valerie,” Carina says. She rolls the stool back and stands up. “I’m going to help you sit up now so that we can remove your clothes, and then we’ll give you a loose gown to wear.”

Once Valerie’s clothes are collected and bagged, Carina works through the steps of her examination. She has done this too many times. She works carefully and methodically, every now and again offering her patient words of encouragement and support at how well she is doing. It is an invasive examination as every inch of Valerie’s body is inspected for evidence.

As soon as her feet are lifted into the stirrups, Valerie starts to cry and she doesn’t stop for the rest of the procedure. Carina bites the inside of her cheek to stop the tears from welling up in her own eyes and she is impressed with how poised Helm remains the whole time, as Valerie holds out her hand and reaches for her, gripping her arm tightly as Carina takes the last of her dignity away from her.

As soon as they are done, Helm takes Valerie to a shower room, leaving Carina to pack all of the evidence away into a box, ready for collection by the police. She then tidies up the room, clearing it of all the equipment she has just used.

Once Valerie has scrubbed the trauma from her body, with some assistance from Helm, they both accompany her to radiology. Carina has seen it plenty of times before that victims of sexual assault do not react well to the MRI machine and she hopes that her presence will help Valerie stay calm during her scan.

The x-ray shows that there are no underlying injuries to her hips or pelvis, which means that the leg pain Valerie feels is most likely a bruise caused by the assault or possibly stress-induced hyperalgesia. Still, Carina books her into a follow-up appointment in one week’s time as well as a referral for counselling. They tape up her nose and put her broken arm into her cast, and then release her into the care of the neighbour who reported it, who has been waiting patiently outside the whole time.

Carina feels a little lost afterwards; her work day long over and nowhere to go but home to an empty apartment while Maya is at work. Not that she could just go back to normal after that. Valerie joins the list of patients who stay with her, whose lives touch her in such a deep way that she never forgets them. She tries to track the police investigations, but they take months and too often end without prosecution or conviction.

Her heart feels weighed down as she thinks about the emotional trauma Valerie will have to work through to reclaim control over her life. It makes her so angry and that anger builds up inside of her, causing every muscle in her body to tense. She wants to scream, to hit something, to cry, to let the anger out, but she doesn’t know how. Her thoughts spiral out of control and her head pounds, the kind of headache that even the strongest dose of Tylenol won’t touch.  

She grabs her bag and heads out of the hospital, keeping her eyes down to avoid conversation. Once she is in the safety of her Porsche, she fires off a message to Teddy to update her on Valerie and a thank you message to Taryn, then drives the three blocks to fire station nineteen. She pulls into an empty visitor space and steps out into the night air, letting the cool spring air wash over her.

She knows she isn’t supposed to be there, that visitors to the fire station aren’t allowed, but she needs to see Maya.

She slips in past the empty reception desk and up the stairs, following the sound of chatter and laughter to the beanery. She doesn’t go inside, but lingers by the door, watching as they finish their dinner and hoping to get Maya’s attention. It is Travis who sees her first, his face lighting up with recognition but immediately falling when he sees how pale and gaunt she looks. Without alerting anyone else to her presence, she watches as he leans in towards Maya and whispers something in her ear. She sees Maya pause, as if working out her next move, then hears her make her excuses about why she needs to head down to her office.

Her team tease and jibe her, and she pretends to laugh along, but as soon as her back is turned on them, Carina can see the concern on her face.

“What’s going on? What’s wrong?” Maya asks as soon as she meets her at the top of the stairs.

“I, uh…” Carina shakes her head, unable to find the words.

“Let’s go to my office, okay?”

Maya takes her hand and gives it a light squeeze, then leads her back down the stairs and into her office. She shuts the door and closes the blinds, a sign to her team that she wants privacy. Even though she doesn’t know what’s going on, she knows she can’t risk anyone walking in on them so she guides Carina straight into the bunk room.

“Can I take you coat?” she offers, holding out her hands.

Carina shrugs her coat off her shoulders and hands it to Maya, watching as she hangs it on the back of the door.

“Come, sit down,” Maya says.

Carina follows her obediently. Maya sits beside her, staying close, one hand rubbing her back gently while the other rests on Carina’s, grasped together so tightly that her knuckles turn white.

“You wanna tell me what happened?” Maya asks gently.

Carina takes a few shaky breaths before she starts to speak.

“I had a patient today, attacked by her husband,” she says. “Beaten… raped…” She shakes her head. “I had to take care of her and it was… it was so hard, Maya. Fottutamente orrendo.”

Tears fall down her cheek, dropping into her lap and soaking into the sleeves of her blouse.

“She was so scared, so broken. He was her husband! She trusted him. And I know, I know it happens. It’s not like it’s the first time I’ve seen it, I’ve had to do more rape exams than anyone ever should, but it always hurts, you know?”

“Of course it does,” Maya says. “It’s not something that anyone should ever get used to.”

Carina crumples against her and Maya shuffles even closer, enveloping her in a hug. Carina rests her head on Maya’s shoulder, tucking her face into her neck and letting the tears flow, expelling the hurt and anger she feels for Valerie and all the women who have come before her.

“I know it probably doesn’t feel like it right now, but you helped her today,” Maya says softly. “You were there when she needed someone to take care of her and to do the things that she couldn’t do by herself. I can’t imagine how hard it was for you today, but what you did for her was amazing.”

She strokes Carina’s hair, the rhythm lulling her into the calmness she has been craving.

“I can’t imagine the pain that woman feels right now either.”

“I can.”

She feels Maya’s body react to the revelation and waits for her to say something.

“Wha… I…” she stumbles over her words, finally settling on, “when?”

“I was sixteen,” Carina says. She keeps her head on Maya’s shoulder while she shares her story. “I was at my friend, Bea’s, house. It had this big basement that her parents converted into a room for all the kids. They were a big family, there were five of them. Leo was the oldest, he was eighteen. Then Bea, then three little ones under the age of five.”

She pauses to take a breath.

“It was a typical teenage girl sleepover. We were painting our nails and listening to music and gossiping. Leo and his friend, Sam, were hanging around upstairs in the kitchen. They were pretty popular and I had a big crush on Sam. He was cute, with beautiful skin and a bright smile. We were drinking and talking, and Sam and I were flirting. But Leo got bored and they went out, and Bea and I went back downstairs to watch a movie.”

Her fingers play with a loose thread on Maya’s trousers.

“I was asleep in the spare room when the door opened and Sam came in. He got into bed with me and we were kissing. I liked it at first. But then his hand went under my shirt and he was touching me. I wasn’t a virgin by then, but I didn’t want him to. He’d been drinking and he was being too rough, it didn’t feel right. So I tried to shift my body away from him but he told me not to play hard-to-get and he put his hand down my pants.”

Maya’s arm around her back tightens protectively.

“I was frozen, I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t move. He pushed me onto my back and was kissing my neck and telling me how pretty and sexy I was. I could feel him against my thigh, all hard and turned on. I closed my eyes and I tried to pretend like it wasn’t happening.”

“Oh Carina,” Maya murmurs.

“It didn’t last long,” Carina says. “Leo was looking for him, calling out his name so he left. I could hear them talking in the hallway, he said he was on his way back from the bathroom.”

“Did you tell anyone?” Maya asks.

She feels Carina shake her head against her shoulder.

“Mama and Andrea had just moved to America, so it was just me and Papa. It was already difficult, Papa’s episodes were getting worse and I didn’t want to cause any more trouble for him.”

Maya’s hairs stand on end, heartbroken for her that she would feel like a burden when something so horrific had just happened to her.

“My family could see that I was upset but they thought it was about Mama and Andrea leaving. I was too ashamed to tell them. Too ashamed that it happened, that I didn’t stop it.”

“It’s not always that simple,” Maya reminds her. “You know that.”

“I know.” She lifts her head, leaning away from Maya to look at her. “I’ve made peace with what happened, I’ve taken back ownership over my body and what happens to it. But days like today take me back to being in that bed and feeling so out of control over what was happening to me.”

Her bottom lip wobbles and she bites down on it. Maya lifts a hand to wipe the tears from her cheeks, her thumb running over her pink cheeks.

“You’re safe now,” Maya says, her own voice shaking with emotion.

“I know.”

Maya looks at her with such compassion that Carina feels her heart expanding in her chest.

“Thank you for telling me.”

Carina offers her a small smile. “I’m glad you know.” She looks at Maya with pleading eyes. “Can I… can I stay here with you tonight?” She knows she sounds pitiful but she hates the idea of going home alone.

“Of course you can,” Maya says. “Have you eaten?”

“No, but I’m not very hungry,” Carina says with a small shake of her head.

“You should try and eat something,” Maya says.

She stands and goes to the small wardrobe where her dress uniform hangs, pulling out an SFD tshirt and sweatpants.

“Here, why don’t you put these on? I’ll go and fetch you a plate of food from upstairs.”

Panic flares up in Carina’s eyes and Maya immediately placates her.

“They’re probably all in their bunks by now, but if anyone’s still there I’ll tell them I’m hungry for seconds,” Maya says. “No-one will know you’re here, I promise.”

Carina relaxes. “Thank you, bambina.”

Maya leans down and places a soft kiss on her forehead, before walking out into her office and disappearing upstairs. Carina drops her head and pushes her shoulders back, feeling a stretch down her neck and into her spine. Her body is still tense, despite feeling better for crying and letting it all out. She rolls her neck a couple of times, sighing, her body exhausted from the emotional rollercoaster she has been on.

She undresses and pulls on the comfortable clothes that Maya gave her, getting into the small bed. Her head still hurts and she is pretty sure that sleep is going to evade her tonight, but at least she is here, with Maya, and she just hopes that they don’t get any big, serious call outs overnight because she doesn’t have the strength to worry about her girlfriend tonight on top of everything else she is feeling.

Maya returns a few minutes later with a sandwich, an apple and a bottle of water.

“It was the best I could do without raising suspicions,” she says. She sees how pale Carina still looks. “Are you feeling okay?”

“My head aches,” Carina admits, rubbing her temples.

Maya perches on the edge of the bed and opens the drawer nearby, pulling out a packet of Tylenol. “Here, take two. Then eat the sandwich, okay? The calories might help if you’re feeling drained.”

Carina swallows the tablets with a swig of water then tucks into the sandwich, finding herself hungrier than she realised. Maya sits by her feet, her back against the wall – hovering, some might say, but Carina finds it comforting to have her close by.

“I never asked you how your shift’s been,” Carina says, needing a change of subject.

“Busy,” Maya laments. “A van crashed into 7-Eleven, managed to hit the pipes. The whole thing was a mess, took us hours to get it under control. That’s why we were having dinner so late, by the time we got back and cleaned ourselves up, it was almost nine o’clock.”

“Do you need to write up your report?”

“Yes, but not right now.”

Carina shoots her an admonishing look. “I don’t want to stop you from doing your job. I’ll be okay in here, I’m just going to sleep.”

Maya shrugs. “You’re always telling me I should get more rest when I can,” she teases her lightly.

She kicks off her shoes, then shuffles up the bed and nudges Carina’s hips. “Budge over.”

Carina moves closer to the wall to make room for her. Maya slips under the covers, lying on her back and lifting her arm, waiting for Carina to curl up into her body. She wraps her arm around Carina’s shoulders and pulls her close, kissing the top of her head.

“I love you,” Maya says. “And I think you’re amazing.”

A warmth spreads through Carina as she starts to relax in Maya’s arms.

“Thank you for letting me stay,” she mumbles. She burrows into Maya’s shoulder, breathing in the lingering scent of her shower gel, lavender and eucalyptus filling her nostrils. It lulls her closer to slumber.

“Thank you for making me feel safe.”

Chapter Text

It was supposed to be a fun afternoon of celebrating their success after a three alarm fire, like they used to before the pandemic. These days, it is all protocols and safety measures and hanging out at home alone in between shifts because, even though they are in a bubble, they have to be careful.

They had beer and spirits, and Andy had gone out for snacks because there was no way Maya was going to let anyone touch Carina’s meats and cheeses. It had taken all of her effort to persuade her girlfriend that it was okay for her to invite the gang over, even though she is only part of Maya’s bubble and no-one else’s. They would turn it into a moving in party once Carina got home from work, just like Vic had suggested on the day Carina moved in. It was a big reason to celebrate and Maya wanted to be able to share that with her friends.

The boys were feeling mischievous, which is why Maya found herself changing out of her t-shirt thanks to an exploding bottle of soda. She wasn’t too mad about it, not really. She liked that they were in a silly mood. They were going to drink and talk and laugh, and forget that the world around them is falling apart. 

It was supposed to be fun.

There was no way Maya could know that life was going to turn upside down in the next thirty-six hours.

After changing into clean clothes, she steps of the bedroom, confused about why it is so quiet.

“Hello?” she calls out, getting no reply.

She wanders into the kitchen, finding it just as she had left it. She looks down the room in search of someone hiding behind the couch or a twitching curtain, but is faced only with an empty apartment. Half drunken bottles of beer have been discarded and there is a tray of congealed perogies on the table, which tells her that Vic has been here.

“Ew,” she mutters.

She has only been gone for a few minutes, where did everyone go?

“Is anyone here? I swear to God, if you jump out at me…”

Her suspicions quickly fade when she hears a woman’s cry from the street below.

“Where is she?”

There is something about the tone of the stranger’s voice that grabs her attention. The next thing she hears is Dean.

“We don’t know right now.”

Maya doesn’t hesitate before she rushes to the front door, just about remembering her keys before pulling the door closed behind her. She ignores the elevator, instead running down the stairs and out of her apartment block, following the sound of familiar voices. She turns a corner where she finds Dean, Vic and Travis, masked up, with two women she doesn’t recognise. They are arguing about something, the two women clearly distressed as her friends try to calm them down. She rushes up to them, just as Jack arrives too.

“What is going on here?” she asks.

“Okay, I’d like to introduce you to our captain and lieutenant,” Travis says, gesturing towards Maya and Jack.

One of the women, Sharon, points at the house behind them. “We need to get in that house.”

Maya looks around at the group, not understanding.

“These ladies think their daughters are in that house,” Dean explains.

“Against their will?” Maya asks.

“Yes,” the other mother, Joyce, says.

“We do not have confirmation on that quite yet,” Vic says, her tone telling Maya that the situation is already getting out of hand.

“Have we called the cops?” Jack questions.

“They did,” Dean says, “but we’re way past that.”

Maya can see that he is ready to do whatever it takes to help these women, but her conservative nature is strong and she isn’t going to just jump into what feels like a messy situation.

“Okay, Miller, we’re not on duty,” she says in a low voice.

She can tell that Dean is annoyed by her reluctance to get involved as he glares at her from behind his mask. “Okay. I think I smell a gas leak.”

He starts to stride towards the house.

“Miller, hold on,” Maya tries to call him back but he ignores her.

“No, no, no – Dean!” Vic calls after him.

He ignores them all, so Jack moves past them, swiping at Dean’s arm to pull him back but missing.

“Miller! Miller! We don’t operate that way,” he says.

Dean turns and faces him squarely. “Yeah, except when you needed to get Inara away from her husband, right? When he was using her as a punching bag?” he points out. “Dude, what's the difference between then and now, Gibson? What's the difference?”

Maya can see that he is not going to back down and realises that they are in it, no matter what. Still, she would rather take a cautious approach instead of charging inside without all the facts.

“We have to call it in, Miller,” Maya insists. “We will call the police and they will come.”

Joyce is also frustrated by their failure to act. “If the man in that house took our daughters, what do you think he's doing to them while we stand out here and talk?”

Behind her, Sharon nods her head in agreement. She can feel their fear, it is coming from every inch of their bodies, but Maya insists that they do things by the book.

“I understand that,” she says calmly, “but if we go barging in without backup or evidence, we could do more harm than good. Please, I need you to trust me for a moment.”

“Maya, be real!” Dean challenges her, and she’s pissed at him for questioning her authority in front of everyone but bites her tongue.

“Miller, you know how this works,” she says shortly. “We don’t have authority here, not when we’re off duty.” She looks at him pointedly. “Please, just take a breath and wait. Let me call it in.”

Dean shoots her a look that tells her he’s pissed, but he relents, backing away from her angrily. The small group disperses. Joyce takes her phone out of her back pocket to make a call, as Travis comforts Sharon. Vic follows Dean, and Maya can see her trying to calm him down. Jack joins them and their conversation looks intense. She hangs back, pretty sure she would not be welcome right now. Instead, she pulls out her cell phone and makes a call to the police department, asking for immediate assistance. It isn’t long before she hears a siren wailing in the distance, getting closer, and she walks down the driveway towards the group.

“Her comes P.D.,” she says, as a cop car pulls up next to them. “It’s their scene.”

“This should go well,” Dean says pointedly.

Maya shoots him an irritated look but doesn’t say anything, instead turning towards Joyce as she rushes up to the car.

“Officers! Officers! My daughter is in that house! My daughter is in there!”

Maya steps up to the police officers in the hope of offering a less emotional plea. “I’m Captain Maya Bishop, S.F.D.,” she introduces herself. “I’m the one who called you.”

“No, no, no, we got a call from the homeowner,” Officer Wicklund says. “He claimed that there was a woman creating a disturbance.”

“This is a waste of time!” Dean cries.

Maya tries to reach out to him, but he moves away from the crowd and she lets him go, focussing instead on getting the cops to step in. She still believes they can deal with this calmly and sensibly.

“Okay, this woman believes that her daughter was abducted and is in this house.”

“We're just asking you to check it out,” Jack says.

“Ma'am, what makes you think your daughter's in there?” Wicklund asks one of the mothers.

His colleague, Officer Schneider, butts in. “We don’t have time for this. You people need to step aside…”

His patronising tone riles them all up and Maya immediately takes a disliking to him.

“How about a little professional courtesy?” Jack says from behind her.

“...and let us do our job,” Schneider continues. “Listen, we're not gonna barge into someone's home because some unbalanced woman can't keep tabs on her kid.”

“Are you kidding?” Jack says incredulously.

“Now step aside,” Schneider demands.

Maya’s heart sinks. The cops were supposed to help, they were supposed to be on their side. She can feel Dean watching her.

“Do you smell that now?”

Everyone’s eyes are on her, she can feel them burning into her, waiting for her next move.

“I do, I smell it,” Jack agrees immediately.

It puts more pressure on her and Maya pauses. She knows what it means to mislead the police, but she is starting to think that her faith in them is misplaced.

“Yeah, yeah, I smell it, too,” she says eventually.

“Could be a gas leak,” Jack suggests.

“Check it out, Gibson,” Maya instructs him.

The two police officers share a look and she knows they can see straight through their charade.

“Like hell,” Schneider sneers. “This is my scene.”

This guy is really pissing her off now, his rough, chauvinistic manner reminding her of her father. That makes her dislike him even more.

“Sure, it's your scene,” Maya says, keeping up the pretence. “I don’t care about jurisdiction. We’re dealing with a possible gas leak here. I’m gonna call it in to my station and, if we're right, I'm gonna need you to secure this area, simple as that.”

God knows what she will do when they have to admit that there is no danger here – but she will deal with that problem when she has to.

Schneider turns his back on her as he grabs his radio. “We need backup at Tenth Avenue and Newland, please – immediately.”

Meanwhile, everyone turns towards the house, watching Jack and Dean as they approach the front door, closely followed by Joyce and Sharon. Jack bangs on the door three times.

“Seattle Fire Department!”

It is not long before the homeowner, Bob, answers the door.

“We’re investigating a possible gas leak.”

Bob ignores them and instead looks over Jack’s shoulder at the police officers. “Schneider, are you gonna get these people out of here or not?”

Maya feels her eyes roll in her head. Of course he knows the cops.

“That man took our daughters!” Joyce yells, her body jumpy, impatient to get inside and find her little girl. She is shielded by Dean, who acts as a barrier.

“I don't know a damn thing about any daughters!” Bob says.

“Where are our girls?” Sharon demands to know.

“Hey, your kid probably ran away to get away from you!” Bob jeers at the two distressed women. “Get off my property!”

Sharon launches forwards, trying to get into the house, stopped by Jack and Dean. Joyce is quickly intercepted by Wicklund, who leads her away from the house.

“Hey, ma'am, ma'am, listen. If you want to file a missing person’s report, you can come with me.”

Joyce pulls away from him. “No, I’m not going anywhere! My daughter is in that house, and I have to get her out! Would you please just do your jobs?” Her whole body trembles, clearly distraught, but it is lost on the two men.

“Ma'am, you need to calm down,” Schneider says in his patronising tone, leaning towards her with a sneering look on his face.

“She absolutely does not need to calm down!” Dean says.

Maya is about to jump in to stop their argument from escalating when, out of nowhere, they hear glass shattering. Her whole team reacts to the noise, rushing to the side of the house to see flames escaping from a small, broken basement window.

Okay, they weren’t expecting that.

“That is more than a gas leak,” Dean comments.

Maya’s captain instincts kick in. “This is our scene now,” she says, not giving the two police officers the chance to object. “Nineteen!” She starts barking orders. “Gibson, call it in. Hughes, power and electric. Montgomery, get some water on it.”

She feels adrenaline pumping through her body. If the girls are in there, Maya knows they may not have a lot of time to find them before the fire grows. Basements are notorious for storing flammable liquids and who knows what Bob might be keeping down there.  

From behind her, Joyce and Sharon are calling out for their daughters, held back by Wicklund and Schneider.

“Take it easy!” Dean yells at them, his instincts still to protect the mothers from the cops.

“They’re obstructing the scene,” Schneider says.

Dean stares at him incredulously. “That house is on fire and their crying is what you're worried about?”

A sound from toward the house grabs their attention and Maya turns just as Bob emerges, a plume of smoke following him as he stumbles down the front steps. His face his cloaked with black soot, his eyes wide with shock, and he coughs as he struggles to catch his breath. The two cops go to him and lead him to the sidewalk away from the smoke.  

“Hey, what’s going on?” a familiar voice calls from the road and Maya turns just as Andy and Robert come running up to her. “What’s going on?”

“Two girls are being held captive in that burning house,” Dean tells them.

They both react with shock.

“What?”

“This woman believes that her daughter's in the house,” Maya explains, as Dean calls for gloves that are quickly provided by Vic. “We have no proof yet.”

“If we wait for proof, those girls could die,” Dean reminds her.

“Did you call it in?” Andy asks.

“Nineteen’s on a fire downtown,” Jack says as he walks over to them, his cell phone in his hand. “Eighty-eight is seven minutes away.

Maya feels her heart drop. “Seven minutes is too long,” she says, even though she knows everyone is already thinking the same thing.

“I'm not waiting, I'm going in,” Dean says.

“You don't have gear,” Maya points out.

“I am not waiting. I'm going in,” Dean repeats stubbornly, turning and heading towards the house.

Maya calls after him but he ignores her, and she knows there is no changing his mind.

“I’m going in too,” Robert says, following Dean towards the house.

Everyone calls out to them, but they are determined. Maya sighs. So now two of her team are going into a burning building with no protective gear and no hose. Just them, their common sense and hopefully a lot of good luck on their side. She can do nothing but watch as they pull their clothes over their heads and run inside.

“Montgomery, make sure that hose is on the house!” she orders. It is the only thing she can do to offer them some protection from the flames.

She usually feels calmer during a call, but her heart is pounding in her chest. She doesn’t feel like she is in control of this at all. She can feel everyone exasperated and scared, and there is nothing she can do to alleviate it because she feels the same.

Maybe she should have listened to Dean. But there are rules and protocols, and she really did believe that calling the police department was the right thing to do. Because they were supposed to help, they were supposed to work with them, not against them. Was she really so dumb to believe that?

It is a few minutes before they get any news, but it feels like longer; like time is purposely dragging.  

“Hey, Miller says he can hear them,” Travis says, as he and Jack walk down the driveway.

“What? What did he say?” Joyce demands to know.

“He said he could hear voices,” Jack says.

“They’re lying!” Bob calls out from where he is being treated nearby.

Sharon turns towards him angrily. “My baby’s in there!”

The crowd nearby start jeering at the police and it prompts Vic to square up to Bob.

“Hey – listen to me! If anybody is trapped in that house, they are going to die and if that happens, I will move heaven and earth to make sure you stand trial for murder!”

Schneider intervenes, still as condescending as ever. “Okay, back it up, missy.”

“Just tell us where they're at, Bob,” Wicklund says. “Kidnapping charges are a lot nicer than murder.”

Bob coughs but doesn’t answer, his silence speaking for itself.

The fire continues to rage, the hose lodged through the small window into the basement doing little to dampen the flames. There is still no sign of Station Eighty-eight and Maya mentally notes to have a word with the Chief about their response time, because it has already been five minutes and Nineteen would be hooked up to the hydrant by now.

She tries calling out to Miller and Sullivan, but if they reply she can’t hear them over the roaring fire. She is pretty sure she can hear a crashing sound from inside but has no idea what it is, or if her team – her friends – are safe, and it is killing her inside. The fire is getting worse, the flames starting to lick the outside of the house, and it is so hard to stand back doing nothing when it is her instincts to fight.

She hears a gasp behind her and turns, her heart leaping when she sees a figure emerging from the front door. Dean is the first to appear, carrying a young girl wrapped up in a thick blanket. Robert follows closely behind him. Joyce and Sharon run up to them immediately, desperate to see their daughters. They carry the girls down the driveway to the sidewalk, placing them gently on the ground and starting to administer first aid.

Maya hears the wail of sirens just as the first of the fire trucks turns the corner and she runs to the curb just as they pull up with the Aid Car. Someone – Andy, she thinks – calls for oxygen and her team works with Station Eighty-eight to care for the two young victims.

Joyce hovers over her daughter as she lies unresponsive on the floor. Maya feels her body stiffen as she waits next to her, shuddering with relief when Jada suddenly starts to cough, gasping for breath.

“Thank God,” she mutters to herself.

Nearby, Bob is cuffed – the first decent thing the police officers have done since they arrived at the scene. Shanice is loaded into the back of an Aid Car, her mom in close pursuit. Maya stays with Jada and Joyce. Dean places an oxygen mask over Jada’s face and they sit her up, giving her room to breathe.

Officer Wicklund approaches, leaning down to address Jada.

“Miss, do you feel able to answer some questions?”

Jada shrugs, moving her oxygen mask to one side to answer him. “I guess.”

“Can you tell me what happened?”

“Um, me and Shanice, we had this message from this girl on insta. She said she was an influencer, that she could help us get more followers, maybe get some people to pay us to promote their stuff.” She pauses to cough and Dean lifts the oxygen mask back to her mouth.

“Take some deep breaths,” he instructs her.

She does what he says, her small body shaking.

“How did you end up here?” Officer Wicklund asks.

“We turned up at this diner to meet her but she wasn’t there. I don’t think she was real,” Jada says, her voice cracking. “We were outside and this van pulled up, and this guy grabbed me and threw me in the back. Shanice, she could’ve run but she didn’t, she was trying to get me out but he grabbed her too and locked us in.”

“The guy that brought you here…” Wicklund starts to ask.

Jada lifts her hand wearily and points towards Bob. “Him. It was him.”

“What happened when you got to the house?”

“He locked us in the basement. He told us to be quiet and that he’d be really angry if we made a noise,” Jada says.

Wicklund shuffles awkwardly on his feet. “Was there any, um… penetration?”

The question comes out of nowhere and they all react in shock at the intrusion.

“What is the matter with you?” Joyce asks angrily.

“I'm sorry, ma'am, but I have to ask,” Wicklund says.

“You don't have to ask it like that,” Maya berates him. She looks at the young girl. “Jada, we need to ask you a personal question. Do you want some privacy?”

Jada shakes her head. “No, I just want to stay with my mom.”

“Okay,” Maya says gently. “Did he hurt you? Did he touch you?”

“No, he didn't even talk to us after he locked us up down there,” Jada answers. “Wait, wait. You think he would have…? No!” She starts to cry and Maya puts a comforting hand on her arm.

Schneider approaches them and whispers something in Wicklund’s ear.

“Miss, I'm sorry, but I have to ask a few more questions.”

“About what?” Joyce interrupts him, frustrated by his constant line of questioning.

“Just give us a moment,” Maya says.

Emotions are heightened and she is doing everything she can to calm everyone down. It doesn’t work, as Joyce becomes more aggravated.

“What the hell do you need to ask my daughter, who has just been through hell, about?” she wants to know.

“Your daughter just started a fire,” Schneider says accusingly.

“Is this really the time?” Maya says, annoyed by his attitude and constant digs. Next to them, Dean and Vic lift Jada onto a gurney.

“Seriously, Schneider, can't we just…” Wicklund starts to say, quickly cut off by Bob who calls out from nearby.

“Those girls broke into my house and set fire to it!” he yells in between coughs. “I want them arrested for trespassing and arson!”

“She was kidnapped!” Dean shoots back at him as he wheels Jada towards the Aid Car.

“So they say,” Schneider jeers. “These kids lie all the time.”

Joyce finally snaps, launching forwards towards him. “You son of a…!”

Maya catches her before she can do something she will regret, pulling her back. Wicklund too holds out his arm, but it is too late as Schneider sees his opportunity to pounce.

“Ma'am, you are under arrest for assaulting a police officer,” he says. Another officer jumps forwards and the two of them restrain her, pushing her towards a police car.

“What?”

From nearby, Travis and Jack object too.

“She didn't!”

“Hey, we're right here!”

“We can see she didn't do anything!”

But Schneider is set on causing more harm to this family. Joyce struggles in their grasp, but they are bigger, stronger, and Schneider berates her for resisting. Jada calls for her mommy as she watches her being manhandled by the cops. Joyce tries her best to reassure her, but she is slammed against the hood of the car.

“Take it easy, man!” Dean yells. “What's wrong with you?”

He starts to run towards them and it suddenly feels like everything is moving in slow motion as another police officer tackles him to the ground. Two more officers approach and, together, the three of them wrestle him, pinning his arms behind his back. Everyone is shouting, begging them to let him go, but he is seen as a threat and they keep him pinned.

Dean Miller – the softest, kindest man she knows – is being treated like a criminal in front of Maya’s eyes, and she is helpless. Jack and Travis are held back by the police, and Vic is stopped in her tracks as she tries to intervene. 

“What are you doing?” Maya tries to help but they ignore her. Everyone ignores her.

Andy runs over, but she is pushed to the ground by an overzealous cop. Robert instinctively retaliates, pushing the cop back and away from Andy, and Maya watches as he also falls to floor.

It was an accident, Sullivan was only protecting his wife, but all of a sudden there are two guns on him as Schneider and another cop grab their weapons.

“That’s it, freeze!”

Robert’s eyes flare with anger and Maya feels panic start to rise up inside of her.

“Get your hands in the air now!” the second cop demands.

Maya waits for him to react, but it is Andy’s voice that stops him.

“Robert, please. Please!”

He pauses and Maya wonders what he is going to do next, but he obeys their instructions and slowly lifts his hands above his head, waiting for someone to cuff him.

Maya steps towards Schneider. “Officer? Officer, please, this is my team,” she begs. She knows she sounds desperate but she doesn’t know what else to do.

“You coming with us too?” Schneider threatens her.

Maya is taken aback. “What? On what charges?”

“Obstruction of justice; breaking and entering,” Schneider reels off.

“Are you kidding?” comes a voice from behind her, expressing what she is thinking.

“What are you doing?” Andy wants to know but she is ignored too.

All they can do is stand and watch as Dean and Robert are put in the back of police cars and taken away. Maya feels defeated. She is their captain and she had no power to stop it from happening.

“What do we do now?” Jack says.

“We follow them to the station,” Vic says immediately, as if it is the most obvious answer.  

“I’m gonna check in with Eighty-eight and make sure the house is secure,” Maya says. “Vic’s right, you should all get to the police station. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

She turns towards Andy.

“Are you okay? I saw you on the ground, are you hurt?”

It takes a moment for Andy to reply, too stunned by what she has just witnessed to realise that Maya is talking to her.

“Hmm? I’m fine, just some scrapes on my hands where I fell,” she says. “What just happened?”

It is not a question she expects an answer to – not that Maya would know where to begin in trying to explain it. “Get to the police station, be there for Sullivan.”

The team disperse, except for Jack who hangs back.

“You want me to stay?” he asks. “Just in case?”

Maya shakes her head. “No, I think the best thing you can do is go to the station and try to stop this from getting any worse than it already is. I’ll be right behind you.”

She heads over to the fire truck and finds Captain Khalidi.

“Captain Bishop,” he greets her.

“Is the fire out?” Maya asks, too rattled to engage in pleasantries.

“It is,” Khalidi says. “Started in the basement and rose up into the first floor. The bottom half of the house is gutted. I hope the guy has decent insurance.” He pauses and looks over his shoulder to where the remaining members of the police department have congregated. “Your team okay?”

“No,” Maya answers honestly.

“Look, I didn’t see much because we were focussed on putting the fire out, but I did see what happened to Sullivan. God knows I’ve got my issues with him after what he did, but he didn’t deserve that. If you need my support, you’ve got it.”

Maya smiles gratefully at him. “Thanks, I appreciate it. The team will too.”

“We’ve got everything under control here. The two young girls are on their way to Grey Sloan to get checked out. You don’t need to be here,” Khalidi says. “Go be with your team.”

Maya nods, then turns on her heel, stuffing her hands into her pockets as she walks the short distance back to her apartment. Her brain spins as she tries to make sense of what just happened and understand how things escalated so badly and quicky. When she arrives home, she jumps straight into her car and drives to the police station. It is only as she pulls into the parking lot that she remembers the mess she has left behind in the apartment. She pulls out her cell phone and calls Carina, listening to it ring until it finally clicks to voicemail.

“Hey babe. I, uh… something happened this afternoon. I’m okay, we’re all okay, but Miller and Sullivan got arrested so we’re at the police station trying to sort it out. It’s a long story. Anyway, that’s why the apartment’s gonna be a mess when you get home. I’m sorry, I…” She sighs. “I’ll call you later, okay? I love you.”

She ends the call and sits in her car for a moment, feeling guilty for not rushing inside to support her team but needing to collect her thoughts. It was a crazy situation to begin with; the idea that two girls would be tied up in the basement of a house round the corner from where she lives would have been unbelievable to her just a few hours ago. There is a part of her that is still struggling to believe it, despite what she witnessed. And to bring in the cops only for that to make the situation worse, not better, baffles her.

Her phone pings with a message from Vic, chasing her whereabouts, and she shrugs off her own feelings as she heads inside where her team are pooled by the front desk. The officer on the other side eyes her wearily.

“Not another one,” she hears him mutter under his breath.

“Officer?”

“Bates,” he answers.

“Officer Bates, I’m Captain Maya Bishop of Station 19, Seattle Fire Department,” she introduces herself. “You have two of my team here and I don’t believe you have grounds to hold them.”

She tries to sound confident, even though she doesn’t feel it.

“That’s what your friends have been saying,” he says, waving his hand towards her team, “but as I told them, there is nothing I can do.”

“So who do I need to talk to?” Maya asks.

Bates sighs. “The arresting officer is dealing with another case at the moment.”

She presumes he means Schneider, since he was the instigator of all this – not that he would be of much help, he made his prejudices known to them.

“So let me talk to someone else, someone more senior,” Maya pushes.

“I can’t do that right now,” Bates says, his impatience starting to show.

“Why not?”

“Because he’s busy too,” Bates says. “You’re going to have to wait.” He gestures towards the seats, then turns his back on her, pretending to leaf through a pile of paperwork, signalling that their conversation is over.

Maya takes a step backwards, deflated.

“That’s it? That’s all you’re gonna do?” Vic asks her.

“No!” Maya says quickly. “Of course not. I just…”

She just doesn’t know what to do.

“Hey!” Vic screams all of a sudden, her anger spilling out as she slaps her hand on the desk, making everyone jump.

Bates turns around, his hand drifting towards the radio on the desk, and Maya holds out her hand, resting it on Vic’s arm.

“We want to make statements,” Maya jumps in with the first idea that comes into her head. “We were there, we saw what happened, and we want to make statements in support of our friends.”

Bates rolls his eyes. “That’s not my job.”

Maya is starting to wonder what exactly he is there to do, but she bites her tongue. “Then find us the person whose job it is,” she demands. She squares her shoulders and glares at him until he relents with an unenthusiastic sigh.

“Give me a minute.”

The minute turns into an hour, until eventually Officer Wicklund comes out to talk to them. Schneider appears at some point too, but he walks past them nonchalantly, muttering something under his breath that Maya is glad they can’t hear because she is pretty sure that it would rile them all up again.

They give their statements in turn, hanging around in the waiting area. They don’t really bother with conversation, too worried about the fate of their friends, too tired to find things to talk about.

Carina calls after a few hours and Maya slips outside to answer it.

“Hey,” she answers.

“Are you okay?” Carina asks without offering her a greeting.

“I… don’t know,” Maya admits.

“What happened?” Carina asks.

Maya tells her the story, although she keeps the details light for now. She knows Carina will have a million questions for her and she doesn’t have the energy to answer them right now.

“I don’t know what else to do,” Maya confesses. “The police officer who arrested them is a piece of work and no-one is being helpful.”

“Do you think your statements will help?”

“I don’t know, maybe? Andy doesn’t think they’ll back down,” Maya says. She sighs.  

“Is there anything I can do?” Carina offers. “Do you want me to bring you all food or coffee? It sounds like it’s going to be a long night.”

Maya smiles at her kind gesture. “No, thanks. I don’t think anyone has an appetite and they have a coffee machine here,” she says. “It’s not as good as your fancy machine, of course.”

“Of course,” Carina says.

Maya sighs. “I’d better get back to the team. I’m sorry we left the apartment in such a mess.”

“It’s okay,” Carina says, glad that Maya can’t see her nose turning upwards at whatever has been left to sour in the aluminium tray. It will be going straight into the trash can. “Just let me know how it goes, okay?”

“I will,” Maya promises. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Carina says.

Maya hangs up and heads back inside, prepping herself for another conversation with Officer Bates as she tries to find out if and when Dean and Robert will be released.

A little after ten o’clock, Vic’s phone pings and she lifts her eyebrows in surprise when she sees Jackson Avery’s name light up her screen.

“Something going on that you’ve been keeping from us?” Travis asks.

Vic’s confusion turns into relief when she reads his message. “He’s been treating Jada and Shanice,” she says. “Smoke inhalation and some second degree burns, but he says they’re both going to be okay.”

“Physically, at least,” Jack comments.

They all know what he means. The trauma that these girls have suffered is going to take a long time to heal. Maya watches as Andy stands up and walks outside.

“You okay?” she calls out after her.

“Just need some air,” Andy says, except she doesn’t come back.

Maya leans her weight forward as if she is about to stand up, but Vic holds out a hand to stop her.

“I’ll go.”

Maya hesitates. She wants to be there for her friend, but she knows she is not the best person to talk to her right now. She doesn’t understand it, she knows that. And there is a part of her that is relieved to avoid the conversation. She leans back in her seat and nods, watching with a heavy heart as Vic goes outside.

Unable to just sit there and wait, Maya goes back to the front desk, pressing Officer Bates for an update. It is twenty minutes later when Vic comes rushing through the front door.

“Hey guys,” she says, her voice lighter than it has been all evening. “Look at this.”

Maya is still by the front desk and she turns, walking over to where Vic is holding out her phone. She looks down and watches the video that replays the events from earlier that afternoon.

“One-and-a-half million views?” Travis questions.

“Yep. The power of the internet,” Vic says. She turns and walks towards the desk. “I need to talk to Officer Wicklund. Now.”

The video helps and it isn’t long before Officer Wicklund confirms that Miller and Sullivan will be released without charge. Relief washes over them all. It takes another few hours to deal with the paperwork. The sun is already rising and, one-by-one, they make their way outside to wait, where Andy has spent most of the night.

It is just after six o’clock when the door opens and their friends finally step outside. Jack is the first to step up to them, pulling Dean into a hug, while Andy runs from her seat on the step and into Robert’s arms. Maya hangs back as they embrace each other, glad to see her friends but wary of them.

Wary of what they think of her after she stalled for so long. Her decision to play by the book was the wrong one, and it started a series of events that could have led to the loss of life – the complete opposite of what she is supposed to do as captain.

It is Dean who turns towards her, holding out an arm and inviting her into a group hug. She stoops under his arm, grateful to feel his warm body next to hers. No-one knows what to say and they hold each other tightly, a shared relief between them. Vic is the only one to talk, just one word falling quietly from her mouth.  

“Nineteen.”

Chapter Text

They arrive at the station just before seven o’clock, tired and weary. Ben meets them in the parking lot; he has already seen the video – one of millions of people by now – and they fill him in with what really happened as they head inside. Maya trails behind at the back, her body lacking its usual bounce and enthusiasm for work. Feet drag across the floor as they trudge up the stairs towards the beanery. No-one has had any sleep and, despite the relief they share that Dean and Sullivan have been released without charge, the mood is deflated.

She is still thinking about what happened yesterday and how she handled things. She knows Dean thinks she got it wrong by bringing in the police, but what else was she supposed to do? They were off duty and she had to follow protocol. The girls are safe and she had done everything she could to get him out of jail, so that had to count for something. Still, she can feel the weird vibe between them and she doesn’t like it.

They are faced with another twenty-four hour shift, although she has already offered to call in C shift and switch the rota so that they can go home and get some rest – except for Maya herself, since tomorrow is the annual inspection and she needs to make sure the station is prepped and ready. It is the last thing she needs to worry about.

“When’s shift start again?” Jack asks, too tired to even retrieve his cell phone from his pocket and check the time.

“In about an hour,” Andy tells him as she follows him through the door.

“At least they didn’t hold Joyce as long as they held us,” Dean comments.

“Wait, did they drop all charges against her, too?” Vic asks.

“If they did, it's only 'cause someone filmed it,” Ben says.

They head straight into the break out room, finding a place to flop – a chair, a sofa, the floor. The mood is low and sombre.  

“How vile do you have to be to lock up the mother of a kidnapped kid?” Travis says with disgust in his voice.

“And the firefighters who rescued the kidnapped kids,” Andy says.

Dean sits down in one of the chairs, leaning back and turning his head to look at her. “The black firefighters," he points out. “Just the black male firefighters.”

Maya’s instinct is to tell him he is being too sensitive but she knows it is not true. Maybe she was naïve before, but she can’t hide use that as an excuse any more. She has seen it with her own eyes. She steps into the room and looks around at her team. They are exhausted and it shows in every inch of their bodies. They might be used to intense stress and sleepless nights, but this is something different.  

“You guys sure you want to work?” Maya asks them, expecting them all to want to go home. There is nothing she can do to change what happened yesterday, but she can give them time off to process it all – like she needs to do. “You must be exhausted.”

“The alternative's bringing home all this rage to my perfect little girl,” Dean says, “so...”

“Plus, today's inspection day,” Sullivan reminds her. 

“No, that's tomorrow,” Maya says dismissively. She has been planning for this for months, she knows the date.

“I have it in my calendar for today,” Sullivan says. “And until recently, I was supposed to be the one doing the inspecting, so...”

Maya’s stomach drops. Shit. She can’t have got it wrong, can she? All eyes are on her as she pulls out her phone and checks her calendar. Yep, there it is, marked in red to remind her of its importance.

“No, no, no, no, no!” Maya cries. “Oh God.” She could kick herself for her stupid mistake, how did she get the date wrong? She feels the room deflate even more, if that is possible. She sighs heavily. “The inspection determines our budget for the entire year.”

“We'll reschedule,” Ben says diplomatically.

“Doesn't work like that,” Sullivan says. “They don't reschedule, we'll just fail. And I don't mean to be selfish, but...”

Maya feels her eyebrows arching in anticipation of what he is about to say.

“You're allowed to be selfish,” Vic tells him. “You're allowed to be whatever it is you need to be today.”

Maya knows she is cutting him some slack after he raced into the burning house behind Dean and helped save the two young girls, so she doesn’t say anything.

“I need to make a good impression,” Sullivan insists. “I need us to make a good impression. I can't lose anymore, I can't lose this house. I have a career to rebuild.”

It is important to Maya too – her first inspection since being promoted to Captain. She has a lot to prove in this male-dominated world. She knows that the fire department is full of people who think like Michael Dixon, who are watching her every move, who will jump at any chance to criticise her. She has no idea what they will make of yesterday’s events, or two of her team being arrested, or being caught up in a viral video that shows the Seattle police department in a bad light. She is pretty sure the Chief isn’t going to be happy about it, but that is a battle for another day.

“Okay, okay, look,” Andy says, standing up from the stool on which she was perched. “We know who we are. We've been prepping for this for weeks. We have to get this house in tip-top shape, let's just put our heads down and get through today.”

Maya nods, grateful that Andy’s pep talk has stopped them all from spiralling into despair at the thought of all the work ahead of them to be ready for Battalion Chief Gregory’s visit later that day. They start to move, dragging themselves to their feet.

“Okay, okay – we can do this,” Maya says resolutely, despite the guilt she feels at having to put them through their paces on a day when they really need an easy shift.

She leaves them in the break out room, pulling her cell phone out of her pocket as she makes her way downstairs to her office. She hasn’t checked in with Carina since their phone call last night and, with everything else going on, she longs to hear her girlfriend’s voice, telling her it will all be okay. Somehow, when Carina says it, she believes it.

Knowing she had an early start today, she doesn’t feel guilty about calling her at seven a.m. and hits the dial button, disappointed when it goes straight to voicemail.

“Hey, Carina. Just checking in. I hope your day is less eventful than my night was,” she says, trying to keep things light even though she feels a heavy weight on her shoulders, bearing down on her. She walks into her office. “Today is the annual inspection, which is the most important day of my captaincy so far,” she continues, dropping her bag on the floor and shrugging off her Gilet. “…and I thought it was tomorrow, so I'm not ready. I haven't slept or showered or eaten, or processed what I witnessed last night.”

She sits down on the chair in the middle of her office, momentarily relieved of the tension she has been holding in her body. “…and now I'm rambling on your voicemail because I miss you and – oh God, what if we fail? What if I fail?”

What if she does fail? She can hear her father’s voice in her head, telling her off for being distracted by silly nonsense instead of keeping her eye on the goal. It has been this way ever since she gave up running and decided to become a firefighter, her natural instinct to lean on his teachings and to wonder what he would tell her to do whenever a difficult situation arises. He doesn’t appear very often these days, but it is a habit she is still learning to break. She doesn’t need his approval any more, she has nothing to prove to him – but she is still the woman he moulded, still with a drive to succeed at all times.

“That is…”

The voicemail cuts off and she looks at her phone with despair, before throwing it onto her desk. Maybe Carina will pick up the message before her first appointment of the day and call her back with some words of wisdom.

She shakes the thought of her father out of her head. It is because she is tired, she tells herself. It is because she is wound up, because she is worried about her team and the inspection, and hasn’t seen her girlfriend for forty-eight hours.

Desperate to get out of the clothes she has been wearing for far too long and into something clean, Maya heads into the bunk room and shreds herself of her clothes, dumping them unceremoniously on the bed. She freshens herself up as best as she can and changes into her uniform. A ping alerts her to a message and she opens it quickly, happy when she sees Carina’s name.

About to video call.

Maya frowns. It is not like Carina to send her such short, curt messages. A video call comes through and she picks it up on her laptop for a bigger screen, sitting down at her desk. She can see immediately that Carina is in the car.

“Hey, should you be video calling while you’re driving?”

It is the firefighter in her that always worries about safety first. She has seen too many road traffic accidents caused by people distracted on their phones.

“It’s okay, Andrea is with me,” Carina says.

Andrew shifts the phone so that he comes into view alongside his sister.

“Hey Maya.”

“Hey. What’s going on?” Maya asks, curious about where they are headed so early in the morning when she knows that Carina should be at work.

“Andrea saw Opal at the hospital this morning,” Carina says. “She got into a car, we’re following her now.”

It is not what she was expecting to hear. “You’re what?” she exclaims.

“Did you see her yesterday?” Andrew jumps in before Carina can say any more.

“Yesterday?”

“Carina told me about the two girls who got abducted,” Andrew says. “Did you see a woman with red hair?”

“No, the house belonged to some guy called Bob,” Maya says. “There was no sign of anyone else.”

She is putting two and two together, and getting five.

“What makes you think they’re connected?”

“Okay, look, we don't have a lot of time to explain, alright?” Andrew says impatiently.

Maya doesn’t like sound of this at all, especially if Andrew is dragging her girlfriend into something that has the potential to get messy.

“Carina, are you okay?”

“Yes, we are safe for now, but...”

Maya doesn’t hear any more, as Ben walks into her office with his cell phone in his hand.

“Hey, Bishop, I just got a million texts from Andrew DeLuca, saying...”

He trails off when Maya picks up her laptop and turns the screen towards him so that he can see Andrew.

“Oh.”

Ben and Andrew exchange greetings as Ben walks around Maya’s desk, meeting her in the middle.

“Look, I've been trying Bailey a bunch, but...” Andrew starts.

“Yeah, she's finally getting some sleep, so don't bug her,” Ben says, protective of his wife. “What do you need?”

“They saw a woman at the hospital this morning and they think she's associated with what happened last night,” Maya says, although she still can’t connect the dots. But for as long as Carina is caught up in all this, she is going to go along with it.

“Yeah, well, we're not gonna let her get away this time,” Andrew says doggedly. “And she's got to be connected somehow to the guy that your team brought in last night. It's too much of a coincidence.”

Maya wants to disagree – it feels like a leap. But then she remembers yesterday, and her reluctance to believe the two desperate mothers until it was almost too late, so she is prepared to take that leap for now.

“Did you call the police?”

“Yeah, 'cause that worked out so well last night,” Ben comments.

Maya knows he is right to be cynical, but this feels way out of their control and she really is not comfortable with Carina and Andrew getting themselves involved in this without any back-up.

“Yeah, we tried the police, but they told us they'll follow up,” Carina says.

“So, your plan is just to follow her?” Maya questions.

Just because the police aren’t prepared to help, doesn’t mean that the next best thing is for her girlfriend and her brother to be playing car chase with a woman who might be a child trafficker. Just the thought of it is crazy.

“No, my plan is to not let this woman kidnap and torture other teenagers,” Andrew says.

“If we can follow her to a location or... or her home or something, at least we can give the police an address,” Carina says.

At least Carina has some sort of plan, but it still makes Maya feel anxious. Her mind is spinning as she tries to make sense of all this. They have just come from a messy situation, she doesn’t want Carina being dragged into another one – especially if it puts her at risk.

“Okay, Carina, this is crazy. You can't just follow some stranger all over the streets of Seattle,” Maya says.

She is ignored as they get distracted following Opal down a side road.

“She's stopping, pull over,” Andrew instructs his sister. “Pull over.”

“Who's stopping? Opal?” Maya asks, her frustrations starting to show.

“Okay, DeLuca, DeLuca! What are you doing?” Ben asks, equally frustrated.

They are both ignored this time as Andrew and Carina watch what is happening out of the window. Maya just hopes they are at a safe distance not to get spotted.

“She's talking to some man,” Carina says.

Great, now there is someone else involved in this. They have no idea who this guy is or what his role is in all this.

“Okay, Carina, these people could be really dangerous,” Maya points out.

“Yeah, they're dangerous to teenage girls,” Andrew says. “That's why we're here.”

“Stay in the car,” Maya pleads with them. At least they are safer in the car, she thinks.

“Look, you want to help? Cut through the red tape and get the police here right now,” Andrew says.

After yesterday’s fiasco, Maya has no idea how she is going to get the police on side, but she will figure it out – just as long as they stay safe. Maybe Officer Wicklund will be willing to help. After all, he looked pretty sheepish when he was confronted with the video of what had really happened and could no longer hide behind Schneider’s version of the truth. Maybe she can capitalise on that.

“Okay, we're on it,” she says. “Just please wait for the police.”

“We will,” Carina agrees.

“I'm not making any promises,” Andrew says.

Maya’s shoulders slump in defeat, her eyes staying on Carina, who meets them via the screen. She shoots Maya a look that tells her she will try, but they both know how determined Andrew is to catch Opal. She also knows that Carina will do whatever she has to do to support him this time around, especially since they had learned he was correct about Cindy Wright all along.

Maya slams the laptop shut in frustration. She shoots Ben a look that tells him not to say anything as she stalks over to the phone and picks it up, dialling the local police station.

“Officer Wicklund please,” Maya says when someone answers.

Wicklund takes her call at least, and is co-operative when she fires a series of questions at him and is willing to provide her with some information, but he is reluctant to help her push the case up the ranks to the right person.

“Okay, thank you.”

From the other side of the room, she hears Ben leaving a voicemail message for his wife as he matches her pacing up and down. When he hangs up, he turns towards her.

“Okay, I think Miranda has records, but I can't reach her,” he says. “I think she took a sedative.”

“It's okay, they were able to look up the incident at Grey-Sloan without the report number, but the detective assigned to the case is not in today,” Maya says.

“So?” Ben challenges her. “I mean, can't they get another detective? “

“They said they would try, but that it would take a while to process and to get them up to speed,” Maya says despondently.

“Unbelievable,” Ben says, shaking his head. “What about Ryan's old captain? Can he do us a favour?”

“Captain Rendon?”

It is a good idea – and the only alternative they have right now.

“We can try,” Maya says. She picks up the phone and dials another number, waiting for someone to answer. “Captain Maya Bishop, Station 19. Can I have Captain Rendon, please? I'll hold.”

“Um Andrew, he's…?” Ben starts to ask, but she cuts him off.

“He's stable,” Maya says. “He's been on his meds for months. He's getting sleep. He's good.”

She sounds more confident that she feels. She knows it is what Carina would say if she was here and, even if she is silently worried that Ben’s concerns might be justified, she is going to have his back.

On the other end of the phone, a police sergeant tells her that Rendon is unavailable right now. “”Will you please leave a message? Captain Maya Bishop, Station 19. It's urgent.”

Aggravated by the constant barriers, Maya puts the phone back in its holder, then immediately slams it into place four times before letting it go. Ben’s eyebrows raise and she shakes her head.

“Sorry. I’m just worried about what they’re getting themselves into, that’s all. I’d feel a lot more comfortable if they had back-up.”

Her gaze drifts through her office door to the entrance to the barn, where the team are working hard to get the station in top shape before today’s inspection.

“I don’t have time for this,” Maya says. “The inspection…”

“Some things are more important,” Ben reminds her.

“I know.” Maya lets out a sorrowful laugh. “I learned that the hard way yesterday. I got it so wrong.”

Ben raises his eyebrows curiously, but doesn’t ask her what she means.

“Are you gonna tell them?” Ben asks.

“You think I should?”

“After what they all went through yesterday, it’s not fair to keep them in the dark.”  

“I don’t know,” Maya says with a shake of her head. “Miller…”

“Miller’s allowed to be pissed,” Ben says.

“I know that,” Maya says. “I just… you know how they’re gonna react when I tell them.”

“They?”

As soon as she says it, she knows how it sounds.

“I didn’t… I mean…”

“Yeah, I know,” Ben says, more kindly than she thinks she deserves. “Look, if there’s a chance that Andrew’s right and this woman they’re following, Opal, is connected to those two girls getting kidnapped, then maybe we need to give them the back-up that the police aren’t giving. Maybe there’s a chance to finally catch her.”

Maya tips her head to one side. “How are we gonna do that? The Chief is going to be here in…” She checks her watch. “… two hours.”

“I have no idea,” Ben says. “That’s way outside of my pay grade.” He steps backwards and holds out a hand, gesturing towards the door. “But you still need to tell them.”

Maya takes a deep breath and nods her head, then strides forwards, Ben close behind her. They head into the barn and she walks around the back of the fire truck to where the team are working hard.

“Listen up – announcement!” she says loudly, getting everyone’s attention. “Carina and her brother, Andrew DeLuca, are...” She falters, looking at Ben who shrugs. “They think they have eyes on one of the kidnappers.”

“Jada and Shanice?” Vic asks.

“No, no, the girls are okay. The girls are safe,” Maya assures her. “The guy from yesterday is still in custody, but we think his partner was at the hospital last night.”

“Wait, wait, wait. Carina and Andrew are doing what?” Jack says.

“Following her,” Ben answers.

Andy’s eyebrows arch. “Following her?”

“Correct,” Maya says, barely meeting her eyes. She knows what Andy is thinking just by the tone of her voice.

“Okay, good,” Vic says resolutely. “So, what do we do? How do we help?”

“I take it the police aren't rushing to the scene?” Dean says, his voice heavy with sarcasm.

“There's a lot of red tape,” Maya admits.

“Right, but you just keep calling it in,” Dean chides.

Maya looks at him, but he turns his gaze downwards. She understands why he is pissed at her and she doesn’t take the bait.

“Okay, look, I'm going. I'm just gonna take the aid car and…”

As soon as Ben says it, everyone else jumps in, offering to go with him. Maya feels torn, the inspection is too important to mess up but she knows that Ben is right – Carina and Andrew can’t do this by themselves.

“You can't all go, not if we want to pass inspection,” Maya reminds them.

“We just say that we're at an incident,” Dean suggests.

“It's not an incident, Miller,” Maya says, losing her patience a little. “Right now, it's just my girlfriend and her brother chasing someone in a car.”

“Wow, you really gonna just…”

“I'm what, Miller?” Maya challenges him.

She can feel his frustration with her – she is frustrated too. She doesn’t know what to do. She is the captain, the leader, and she feels like she has no power and no control in this situation.

Before they can get into it, Ben jumps in.

“Okay, I'm going. So who's coming?”

The team continue to squabble, all of them wanting to get involved. Dean is the loudest.

“Miller, Miller, you cannot get cuffed twice in twenty-four hours, man. For Pru,” Jack points out. “Maybe I can get some leverage as lieutenant or something.”

“Or something?”

Maya decides to step in, giving a command as captain.

“Gibson, Warren, go. The rest of you, there is still a lot to do around here.”

There is a part of her that wants to jump into the aid car with them, but she needs to be here when Gregory shows up.

Ben and Jack dash off to the aid car, while the others go back to their chores. Maya starts to retreat, until she hears Dean calling out after her.

“Aren't we gonna wait for the cops like you made me wait yesterday?”

Maya stops and turns.

“I told you what was going on in that house, I told you that I wanted to go in. No, and you ignored that black mother's cries because you waited on a cop who refused to help her!”

She wants to interject but she doesn’t know what to say because she knows that there is nothing she can say, so she just takes it.

“Those girls had to set a fire to get your attention, when you…” he takes a breath. “…you could have just had my back!”

Maya watches as he shakes his head and walks away. She can feel the rest of the team looking at her, curious about her reaction to Dean’s attack. She lowers her eyes and walks away, her face flushed with embarrassment. They know it is not like her not to bite back, but she can’t – not about this. She knows Dean is right. She let him down.

She heads back into her office and picks up her cell phone. The screen lights up with a short message from Carina, telling her that they have just pulled up outside the train station. She is about to fire a message back to her when Jack’s voice comes through the radio.

Captain Bishop, we have plate numbers for the police – VTQ 864. These are Idaho plates.

Maya picks up the radio. “Copy.”

She writes it down on the notebook in front of her, then picks up the phone and calls the station again.

“This is Captain Bishop…”

The sergeant on the other end starts to tell her that Rendon still isn’t available, but she won’t allow it this time. She has had enough of getting the brush off.

“No! I need to speak to him, now!”

After a bit more pushing, Captain Rendon finally comes on the line.

“Captain Bishop,” he greets her. “I hear you’ve been very persistent with my desk sergeant.”

“I’m sorry, Sir, but this can’t wait,” Maya says.

She dives into the whole story – the kidnapped girls from yesterday, the kidnapper at the hospital where a known child trafficker was seen early this morning, a pair of doctors from Grey Sloan on their tail (she avoids the part about her personal connection to them) and two of her team hot on their heels. She gives him a description of Opal and the plate numbers that Jack gave her, and he puts her on hold for five minutes while he does a quick check.

“Well, it seems your friends are on to something,” Rendon says when he comes back on the line. “This woman, Opal, is known to us. She’s been under investigation for some time thanks to her links to a child trafficking ring. The vehicle you gave us? It’s registered to a Robert Corson – he’s the man you came across yesterday. As well as the house here in Seattle where he was keeping those two girls, his name is also against a rental property in Boise, Idaho. If you’re right that Opal was at the hospital, I suspect it’s no coincidence. It’s likely that they’re moving kids across the border. I’ve spoken to the detective who’s leading this case and he’s on his way in. I’m sending Officer Patterson out, he’s one of our best and most experienced. We’re bringing in the FBI too. Where are your friends now?”

“Uh, Seattle Center train station,” Maya tells him, re-reading the message from Carina.

“Tell them to sit tight, we’re sending our people there now.”

“Thank you, Sir,” Maya says. “Thank you.”

“You know, if Tanner was around, he wouldn’t let this one go either,” Rendon says.

Maya feels a sadness wash over her at the mention of her friend.

“No, he wouldn’t,” Maya says with a small smile.

Rendon passes on the details of Officer Patterson so that she has a direct line to him, before ending the call. As soon as she can, Maya picks up her radio.

“The car is registered to Robert Corson,” Maya says. “He's the guy from last night. The Idaho plates mean that they're probably trafficking over state lines. FBI's getting involved and the cops are on their way.”

She hears Ben’s voice in reply. Copy that, Captain.

Maya is just about to call Carina to let her know when she sees Dean walking out of the barn with a bucket and cleaning materials in his hand. She wants to make peace with him, but she knows it is not going to be easy. Still, she has to try to make things right.

“Miller, good news,” she says, catching his attention. “The FBI engaged and the local police are on scene.”

She knows she sounds too formal, but she is keeping her guard up in case he is ready to get into it with her again.

“That's good to hear, Captain,” Dean says, his tone polite. She can feel them at odds and doesn’t like it. He gives her a respectful nod, then turns and starts to walk up the stairs.

“Dean,” Maya calls after him, softening her tone.

Dean stops and turns, retracing his steps back down the stairs.

“I’m sorry,” Maya says. “I got it wrong yesterday.”

It is a simple apology but she knows that anything more will sound like an excuse. She waits to see if does anything to repair their friendship.

“It might be a minute before I graciously accept your apology, Captain,” Dean says eventually.

It is not a cold reaction, but it isn’t exactly warm either. She hates that the exchange feels so awkward, but at least he doesn’t throw it back in her face.

“Understood,” she says.

Dean makes his way upstairs, as Maya turns and goes back into her office. She picks up her cell phone and goes to call Carina’s number, pausing only when she hears someone being greeted at the front desk. She panics. It can’t be Gregory already, he’s not due yet. She steps outside to investigate, relieved to learn it is a young guy with a broken finger who has come in hoping for some medical assistance. All it needs is a bandage, and she leaves him with Larsson, dialling Carina’s number as she heads back into her office.

She answers after a couple of rings.

“Maya, we have no news,” Carina says.

“I do,” Maya says. “The cops are on their way.”

“Ah great,” Carina says. Maya can hear the relief in her voice.

“Okay, thank you. Thank you, Maya,” Andrew says. “You know, you're my favourite girlfriend Carina's ever had? And there's been a lot.”

“No, don't listen to him,” Carina says.

Maya laughs, glad to hear them both joking. Except the momentary relief from the intensity of this morning doesn’t last long.

“She’s getting out,” she hears Carina say.

“Who's getting out?” Maya asks.

She hears Carina call after her brother – No Andrea! – and she starts talking in Italian. Maya is lost as to what is happening, but the relief she felt at finally feeling some control over the situation quickly disappears.

“Okay, what’s he doing?” Maya demands to know.

Carina continues to call out after her brother. “Maya, I have to hang up.”

“What? No, no, no… don’t hang up!”

The line goes dead.

“Fuck!” Maya cries into her empty office. She throws her cell phone on to the table and drops into her chair, her head in her hands.

She tries calling Carina back, but the line is busy. A couple more minutes and the police would have been there. Why the hell did they have to get out the car?

Maya sits and watches her phone, hoping Carina will call, but it sits silently on her desk, taunting her. She has no idea what to do now. The silence annoys her, until it is broken by the sound of crackling from the radio.

Captain Bishop, they’re getting on a train. Now, we're not sure where they're headed, but we're driving to the nearest train station now. Tell the police to standby.

Maya picks up the radio. “What? Why? Why did they...” She gives up trying to understand what the hell is going on. “Okay, okay, okay.”

She leans back and grabs a folder from the shelf behind her, and flips through the pages to a map of the train network.

“North or south?” she asks into the radio.

“We don’t know,” comes Ben’s reply. “Wait – I just got a message.”

Maya holds her breath as she waits for an answer.

“South. They’re heading south.”

“Copy.”

Maya picks up the phone and dials the cell phone number that Rendon gave her.

“Officer Patterson? This is Maya Bishop from the Seattle Fire Department,” she introduces herself.

“Ah yes, Captain Bishop, thank you for your help today,” the police officer says. “We’re almost at the train station.”

“About that – the suspect, Opal, is on the move. She’s about to board a train heading south.”

“Which station?”

She double-checks the map. “South Lake Union.”

“Okay, we’ll head there too.”

He ends the call and Maya falls back in her seat, sighing heavily. Her eyes fall on the clock on the wall. The time is ticking closer to Chief Gregory’s visit and he is due in just over one hour, but she knows it is possible that he will turn up early to catch them out. She can’t just sit here and wait for news, it is driving her crazy.

She wants to call Carina, to check that she is safe, but if they are on a train following Opal then Maya doesn’t want to draw attention to them by making Carina’s phone ring.

Instead, she stands up and heads into the bunk room, stripping her clothes and changing into her Class A dress uniform. Her heart isn’t in this inspection, her head certainly isn’t. Her team have pulled it together without her help, despite everything they went through last night. She needs to remember to tell them thank you when this is all over. Maybe they can reschedule that day-drinking they had planned for yesterday, once everything has calmed down.

Once she is dressed, Maya looks at herself in the mirror. She usually feels such pride in her uniform, in the two stripes on her sleeve, but today that pride feels tainted. It doesn’t mean anything if they are not making a difference – and how can they make a difference when there is so much red tape holding them back? When every step they take is judged instead of supported?

She knows she will be criticised for what happened yesterday – despite what happened to those girls and her team. She will probably get criticised for today too, for letting Ben and Jack go out in the aid car when no emergency has been called in. She cares about that, of course she does; she wants to be good at her job – she wants her superiors to think that she is good at her job – but is she truly good at her job if she doesn’t fight against the things that her gut is telling her are wrong?

She has a choice, and she has made her decision by the time Andy shows up in her office.

“Helmets are polished, hoses are stacked. You could eat off the floor in the beanery,” Andy announces. “I know it's not much considering everything, but my dad always taught me, sometimes you take it from the outside in, and from the outside this station is looking pretty good right now.”

She leans back against the cupboards and watches as Maya straightens her desk.

“Battalion Chief Gregory's gonna be another hour, at least,” Maya says.

She can’t do this. She can’t be here, not when her girlfriend is chasing a criminal across the city. Not when she doesn’t know what is going on. Her dress coat feels heavy and she starts to remove it, disappearing into the captain’s bunk and hanging it up in the small wardrobe inside.

“Copy. You want me to make sure that…”

“I want you to be in charge of the station while I'm gone,” Maya says. She emerges from the bunk and walks over to the door, grabbing her SFD jacket. “I can't just stay here while Carina's...”

“Wait,” Andy objects. “Hold on… Maya, this inspection defines your role as captain; as the...”

“…first female captain of Nineteen, I'm aware,” Maya says. She sits down on the chair to change her shoes. “But I can't play by the rules I witnessed yesterday. The whole first female captain thing implies that if I don't play by every single rule, then I'm failing. And if I don't do this job like the men before me did it, then I'm not up for the task. But I played by every single rule yesterday. I went against my gut and those girls had to set a fire to save their lives because I was playing by the rules. Because I was worried about how it would look on paper. And these people, these disgusting, soulless human beings are kidnapping children and holding them hostage and selling them.”

She stands up, the words falling from her mouth as she lets all her frustrations out. “And there is something more that we can do. So, I'm gonna show up.” She turns and grabs the keys to the fire command car from her desk. “I'm a first responder. I'm gonna respond, and if that means it's the last day as the first female captain, then I can live with that.”

It’s not really a choice, she realises, and she is so resolute that Andy knows there is no changing her mind.

“I'll get everyone in their Class As,” she says. “Go.”

Maya shoots her a grateful smile as she rushes out the door. She jumps into the fly car and puts the siren on, speeding through traffic towards South Lake Union train station. It has already been ten minutes since she last heard from Warren, which means that Carina and Andrew are probably already on the train. She dodges traffic and pulls into the underpass just seven minutes later.

Ben and Jack get out of the Air Car when they see her pull up next to them.

“What's the status?” she demands to know as soon as she gets out of the car.

“They should be pulling up soon,” Ben says.

Maya is relieved to know that she has got here just in time. “Okay. When the cops get here, we'll post at both exits. Can you send me the photo of Opal that Andrew sent to you?”

She heads towards the station entrance, pulling on a mask as she walks, and calls over the first security guard she sees. She doesn’t have time to get into any detail, but trusts that her badge and status as Fire Captain will give her the credentials she needs to command him to follow her lead. She tells them to look out for a woman in her forties with red hair and shows him the photo of Opal.

“Bishop!” Ben calls out to her.

Maya scurries back towards the aid car. “What?”

“Carina just text me. They’ve just pulled into the station.”

In stroke of good luck, or just coincidental timing, Maya hears sirens and turns just as two police cars pulls up behind her. An officer steps out of one and walks towards them.

“Captain Bishop?”

His name badge reads Patterson, the cop that Rendon sent her way.

“We have the doors covered.” She holds up her phone. “This is a photo of Opal.”

Patterson recognises her straight away from the file he was sent. “She's a 4100 suspect.” He turns to his team of officers. “Let's go. Take the right side and the left side. Let's move!”

They disperse, heading in different directions. Maya has been on a few stake outs with the police, but usually at a distance. Today she is right in the middle of it as she follows the police officers to the station entrance. All eyes are on the recently alighted passengers, all blondes and brunettes so far.

“That’s her!” Jack calls out.

“Here we go,” Patterson says under his breath.

An officer steps up to her. “Ma’am, freeze!”

The woman spins as the officer grabs her arm. “Hey!”

It’s not her, it’s not Opal, and Maya sighs with frustration. They are so close, they can’t miss her now. They keep looking, eyes on everyone who comes out of the doors.

“Over there, over there!” Ben suddenly says. “There, there, there!”

Maya spins and sees the red-headed woman, as sure as she can be that it is Opal. She has to stop herself from launching forwards, holding back and letting the team of officers do their job.

Patterson grabs his radio. “We think she’s exiting the north side of the building.”

His team surrounds her. “Ma’am, freeze!”

Opal feigns confusion. “What’s going on?” she asks, putting her hands in the air.

She doesn’t fool anyone though and Maya watches from a close distance as she is cuffed and read her rights. She turns to share a look with Ben and Jack as Opal is put into the back of a police car. She is not giving much away, her body stiff as she is guided into the back of the car.

“It's interesting how they didn't shove her face into the ground,” Jack comments.

As the police car pulls away, they make their way back towards their vehicles. Maya pulls out her cell phone and goes straight to Carina’s number.

“We should let Carina and Andrew know,” she says.

“I’m surprised they’re not here,” Ben says, looking around in case they have caught the end of the show.

Before Maya has the chance to make the call, the radio crackles.

“Aid car nineteen, are you still at South Lake Union?”

Jack grabs his radio. “This is nineteen, yes we are.”

“We’ve had reports of a stabbing victim in the main concourse, can you attend?”

Maya stops, her body frozen. Jack turns towards her, his wide, shocked eyes looking at her over the top of his mask.

“Copy. We’ll be right there.”

Ben is already on the move, pulling open the back of the aid car to grab the gurney.

“Bishop? Maya?”

Maya shakes her head. No, she’s not okay.

A stabbing victim, that’s all they said. But there is a heavy feeling in her stomach.

She starts to run, ignoring the car horns that scream at her when she crosses the road without looking. She charges up the steps and into the station, weaving through the crowds as she makes her way to the main concourse.

As she runs, there is only one thing on her mind:

Carina.

Chapter Text

Carina pulls into her normal space in the hospital parking lot. She reaches for her travel cup and takes the final sip of her morning coffee, hoping it will perk her up. She doesn’t like early starts; she isn’t much of a morning person and caffeine is the only thing that keeps her going. Rolling her shoulders back, she grabs her bag from the passenger seat and steps out into the fresh morning air.

She sees Andrew, helmet in hand, just coming off his overnight shift, and makes her way over to him to say hello. It has been a few days since she has seen him, their shift patterns misaligned, and she greets him cheerfully.  

“Buongiorno.”

He is distracted and hushes her, his eyes concentrated on a spot on the other side of the parking lot where a woman on her cell phone is walking away from the admissions tent. Carina follows his gaze then looks back at him.

“What’s wrong?”

“It's the woman who brought in the girl – Cindy.” Her shakes his head. “Erin,” he corrects himself. “Erin Banks. Do you remember her?”

Of course she remembers Erin. She looks over her shoulder at the woman, noticing her hair. She remembers a woman with red hair from the day Andrew had his episode in the hospital, but doesn’t remember her face. She had been too focussed on her brother. He seems convinced that it is her, although a woman with red hair is not much to go on.

“Andrea…”

“Carina, I swear it's her,” Andrew insists.

They look again at the red-headed woman and he sees Carina shake her head a little. He can tell what she is thinking.

“Carina, look at me.”

She turns towards him.

“I’m fine and I’m right. Believe me, it’s her.”

“Okay then, call the police,” Carina says.

“No, you call the police,” Andrew says petulantly. “I’m following her. I let her out of the hospital once, I’m not doing it again.”

She sees the stubborn look on his face and knows that his mind is set, that she will not be able to persuade him to wait for police intervention.

“Va bene,” she says reluctantly. “But I'm driving, okay?”

“Okay. Come on, hurry up,” Andrew says.

He follows Carina to her Porsche, keeping his eyes on Opal as she gets into her car. Carina eases into reverse and pulls out of her spot.

“Which car?”

“The blue Sedan,” Andrew says, pointing to the car a few metres ahead of them. “Don’t get too close.”

“I know,” Carina says.

She doesn’t know. She has never trailed another car before and she has no idea what she is doing, except making sure Andrew doesn’t get himself into any trouble.

They head west along the highway, keeping a safe distance behind the blue car.

“So I heard Maya had an eventful day off yesterday,” Andrew comments, making conversation as they ease into their journey. “She okay?”

“Yeah, I think so. There was some trouble and some of her team ended up at the police station. She spent all night trying to get them out.”

“I thought it was two girls caught in a basement fire?”

“Hmm,” Carina says non-committedly. She knows what he will say if she tells him.

“Carina?”

Carina sighs. “They were kidnapped,” she says slowly.

Andrew swivels in his seat. “What?”

“The girls had been kidnapped,” she repeats. “The basement of the house they were in? Belonged to some guy called Bob Corson. He apparently snatched them outside a diner. They set the fire to get some attention, Maya and her team got them out.”

Andrew’s eyes light up with recognition. “Wait, didn’t Bob Corson end up at the hospital as well last night?” he questions. “Amelia operated on him. It’s gotta be connected, right? I mean, why else would Opal be at the hospital?”

When Carina doesn’t say anything, he perseveres.

“Let’s call Maya and find out more.”

“No, Andrea, I told you she didn’t come home last night,” Carina says. “She’s probably gone straight to the station this morning. I don’t want to get her involved in this, not unless we have to.”

She knows what Maya will say if they call her. She will be the voice of reason and will try to talk them out of it.

“We do have to!” Andrew argues. “If Opal was at the hospital to see this Bob guy, then he might be the key to finding out more.”

Carina purses her lips, unwavering. She can be just as stubborn as Andrew sometimes,

“Fine, I’ll try Bailey, maybe she’s got some information about him,” Andrew says.

He pulls out his cell phone and calls Bailey’s number, grumbling under his breath when it goes straight to voicemail. He leaves a message, then fires off texts to Bailey and Ben, desperate to get some more information about what happened to Bob. Impatient for a reply, he sits back in his seat and huffs. The road is of full of traffic, morning commuters on their way to work, and Carina has to concentrate to keep on Opal’s tail. Andrew stays quiet, his eyes on the car ahead of them, only looking away when Carina’s phone starts to ring.

Carina looks down briefly to see Maya’s name on the screen.

“Are you gonna answer that?” Andrew asks. He is fired up again.

“And tell her what?” Carina says. “I told you, she already had a crazy night last night, she doesn’t need to be pulled into this until we know what this is.”

“But…”

“No Andrea!” Carina insists. “If you think there’s a connection, call the police.”

With a frustrated sigh, Andrew does as he is told. He is persistent with the desk sergeant who answers the phone and is put through to an officer who asks him to explain what is going on. As he is talking, Carina’s phone pings, the screen lighting up to tell her that Maya has left her a voicemail. Opal’s car is in the left-side lane and Carina hangs back a little, trying not to let on that they are following her.

Andrew drops his phone away from his mouth for a moment. “Stay on her, okay?” Andrew tells her, then returns to his phone call with the local police station. “The license plate number is VTQ 864. The vehicle's a blue Sedan. Now, the driver's a sex trafficker, okay? She brought a girl she was trafficking into Grey Sloan Memorial. Her name is Cindy, alright?”

“Erin,” Carina corrects him.

“Erin Banks.” He looks at Carina. “Thank you.” He keeps his eyes on Opal’s car the whole time. “She told us this woman kidnapped her two years ago, and last night another two girls were brought in, also kidnapped by a man named Bob Corson. Okay, we think the two cases are related. Well, no, I don't have any evidence to prove that they're related, but... No.”

Carina can tell that he is getting some push back from the officer he is talking to and she isn’t surprised. She knows how crazy it sounds.

“Sir, if you could just... Sir? Sir, I need you to come find us now because we're following her right now!” He is starting to get worked up and Carina needs him to stay calm. “I'm a doctor. What does that have to do... Wow. Okay, yeah. Look up Erin Banks and then have someone follow up with me.”

He hits the red button on his phone to end the call, clearly frustrated. “Unbelievable,” he mutters. “Look, we need to make sure we can see her car at all times, okay, Carina?”

“I am, Andrea, don't worry,” Carina tries to placate him.

“We're not gonna lose her this time.”

“I know,” Carina says. She watches as Opal starts to move across to the right-hand lane.

“Look, can we call your girlfriend now please?” Andrew asks.

Carina sighs. She really doesn’t want to bring Maya into this but maybe the fire department can help since the police aren’t willing to listen.

“Fine. But let me explain, okay?”

They pull up at a stop sign and she grabs her phone quickly, sending Maya a message to warn her of an incoming call. She puts the phone back in its cradle just as the lights turn to green.

“There, keep on her,” Andrew says.

“I know,” Carina says, rolling forwards as the traffic starts to move.

With her eyes on Opal’s car, she uses her car’s audio system to video call Maya. Her face appears on the screen just a few seconds later.

“Hey, should you be video calling while you’re driving?”

“It’s okay, Andrea is with me,” Carina says.

Andrew turns the screen to show his face. “Hey Maya.”

“Hey. What’s going on?” Maya asks.

“Andrea saw Opal at the hospital this morning,” Carina says. “She got into a car, we’re following her now.”

“You’re what?” comes Maya’s reply.

Carina can hear the surprise in her voice. She is about to explain more when Andrew interrupts.

“Did you see her yesterday?”

“Yesterday?”

“Carina told me about the two girls who got abducted,” Andrew says. “Did you see a woman with red hair?”

“No, the house belonged to some guy called Bob,” Maya says. “There was no sign of anyone else. What makes you think they’re connected?”

“Okay, look, we don't have a lot of time to explain, alright?”

Carina can hear the impatience in his voice and knows that Maya will be able to sense it too. She sees Maya look at her on the screen.

“Carina, are you okay?”

“Yes,” Carina assures her. “We are safe for now, but…”

The conversation trails off and she hears a voice in the background of Maya’s office. The screen turns and she sees Ben in the doorway.

“Hey Warren,” Andrew says. “Look, I’ve been trying Bailey a bunch, but…”

“Yeah, she’s finally getting some sleep, so don’t bug her,” Ben says. “What do you need?”

“They saw a woman at the hospital this morning and they think she's associated with what happened last night,” Maya says.

“Yeah, well, we're not gonna let her get away this time,” Andrew says. “And she's got to be connected somehow to the guy that your team brought in last night. It's too much of a coincidence.”

“Did you call the police?” Maya asks.

“Yeah, 'cause that worked out so well last night,” Ben comments.

“Yeah, we tried the police, but they told us they'll follow up,” Carina says, her eyes drifting from the road to her phone for a moment.

“So, your plan is just to follow her?” Maya questions.

“No, my plan is to not let this woman kidnap and torture other teenagers,” Andrew says.

Carina knows to an outsider he sounds manic, but she needs Maya and Ben to know that they have a plan – even if she isn’t sure what that plan is herself.

“If we can follow her to a location or... or her home or something, at least we can give the police an address,” she says.

“Okay, Carina, this is crazy. You can't just follow some stranger all over the streets of Seattle,” Maya says, the stress in her voice getting louder.

In front of them, Opal’s car starts to change direction.

“Look, she’s turning right,” Andrew says.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Carina says.

“Here we go,” Andrew murmurs. “Don’t lose her.”

Carina slows down a little as they turn into a side street, hanging back and watching as the car they are trailing turns right again into a small alley.

“She's stopping,” Andrew observes. “Pull over.”

Carina comes to a stop at the top of the alleyway, close enough that they can watch what happens next but far enough away to stay out of Opal’s sight – she hopes. She is conscious of Maya and Ben asking questions, but all of their focus is on watching Opal. Andrew pulls out his phone and zooms his camera in to take photos.

“Andrea…” Carina starts to warn him, but Andrew cuts her off.

“Look, she’s carrying something,” he says. “You see that?”

Opal holds a small brown envelope in her hands. A man steps out of a black car parked on the other side of the alleyway. He is wearing a mask so they can’t see his face, but he has a head of grey hair and is dressed smartly in a black suit.

“Who is that?” Carina wonders out loud.

“I don’t know.”

Remembering that Maya and Ben are still on the other end of the phone, she turns to look at them briefly.

“She’s talking to some man.”

“Okay, Carina, these people could be really dangerous,” Maya says.

“Yeah, they're dangerous to teenage girls,” Andrew jumps in. “That's why we're here.”

“Stay in the car,” Maya begs.

Carina has no intention of getting out the car, but she can’t speak for Andrew, knowing he is set on doing whatever it takes to catch Opal.

“Look, you want to help? Cut through the red tape and get the police here right now,” Andrew says.

“Okay, we're on it,” Maya says. “Just please wait for the police.”

“We will,” Carina says.

“I'm not making any promises,” Andrew says.

The screen goes black as Maya ends the call and Carina is pretty sure she is frustrated by Andrew’s dogged persistence. Even if she doesn’t trust Andrew, Carina hopes that Maya will trust her.

“What do you think we should do?” Carina asks. “I mean, we’ve got some photos to show the police, maybe that’s enough?”

“Just wait and see what happens,” Andrew says.

All of a sudden, Opal hands the man the envelope. He stuffs it into his inside pocket and says his goodbye, turning towards his car.

“Okay, I think they’re taking off,” Andrew says as the gentleman gets into his car.

Opal walks up to her car and turns, looking up the alley towards them. They both lean back in their seats, eyes forward, hoping that Opal doesn’t spot them. Glancing sideways, Carina sees her get into her car and pull forward down the alley, as the man in the black car drives towards them.

“Should we follow him?”

Andrew takes a photo of his car as he passes, making sure to get his number plate.

“No, keep following her,” Andrew says, his focus on the woman who got away the last time.

Carina turns into the alleyway, then turns left at the end of the road, following Opal’s Sudan. They get back onto the highway and into traffic.

This is not how she saw her day going. She hasn’t even called in to work to let them know she won’t be there, she has patients who are waiting for her, and a girlfriend she hasn’t seen for forty-eight hours who now has to worry about what they are up to, as well as everything going on at work.

They shouldn’t be doing this, she knows that; but if not them, who? She knows that is what is motivating Andrew to follow Opal, she knows that he still feels guilty about not being able to protect Erin when she first came to the hospital. But it shouldn’t be up to them to bring Opal to justice.

She exhales slowly, catching Andrew’s attention.

“I’m not manic, okay?”

“I wasn’t thinking that,” Carina says. “I just don’t think all this belongs on your shoulders.”

“You know, the only difference between our father and I is that I'm actually trying to make up for my failures,” Andrew says. “So, yes, this is on me. I have to make this right.”

It is an unfair comparison, she thinks. He is nothing like their father. No matter how many times she tells him, he can’t see beyond their shared Bipolar.  

“No, Andrea. Our dad killed four people in the operating room because he didn't want to take care of his mental health,” she reminds him. “Even when you're manic, you're a brilliant doctor. You diagnosed Doctor Webber's rare condition in the middle of a manic episode.”

“Yeah, and the only reason anyone listened to me is because of Meredith. Meredith knows me and she believed me when nobody else did. Even you didn't believe me.”

It hurts to hear him say it and she blinks several times, not wanting her eyes to tear up. She can’t change what happened, she can never take back the fact that she didn’t believe or support him when he was convinced that Erin was being trafficked by Opal. It was always haunt her.  

“When Opal had Erin at the hospital, nobody did, and Opal got away. She just walked out of the hospital because of me. Because I was unstable, because I was untrustworthy. And now two more girls are hurt because of me. So, yeah, I can't... I won't let this happen again.”

“You're not like him. Not at all. Not even a little,” Carina insists. She purses her lips. “And I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t believe you.”

Andrew shakes his head. “No, Carina, I don’t want you feel guilty about it,” Andrew says. “I get it, I know why it was hard to believe me. None of it changes the fact that I owe you so much for making me better.”

“You were the one who got yourself better. You did the work.”

“Because you helped me,” Andrew says. “Because you’re just as stubborn as me and you wouldn’t stop until I accepted your help.”

Carina smiles. Stubbornness is a DeLuca family trait.

“And because of that, I got my life back.”

Carina keeps her eyes on the road in front of her, but reaches out her hand to grasp his, squeezing it tightly. Before she can say anything else, Opal’s car turns a sharp left.

“Carina!” Andrew says, pointing out the window.

“I see her,” Carina says.

They follow Opal past the Space Needle and pull up outside Seattle Centre train station, a few cars back. They wait, expecting to see Opal get out of her car, but she doesn’t move. It unnerves Carina.

“Come on,” Andrew mutters, willing something to happen.

“Maybe she’s waiting to pick somebody up?” Carina suggests.

“I don’t know,” Andrew says.

His phone rings and they both look down at it, seeing Ben’s name flashing at them. Andrew answers.

“We’re on our way,” Ben says.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you,” Carina says, her relief apparent. She is grateful that they don’t have to do this alone any more.

“Are the police with you?” Andrew asks.

“Yeah, we’re working on it. Where are you now?”

“We're at a train station. She's just sitting in her car. Look, I'm gonna send you photos of her, her license plate and the address, okay?” Andrew says.

Andrew sends him the message while they are still on the call.

“Okay, yeah, got it,” Ben says. “Listen, do not approach her. Just keep your distance, alright? We aren't far away.”

“Good,” Carina says. She pulls out her phone and sends Maya a message to tell her where they are and to say thank you for sending Ben out to help them out.

“Things are good? With you and Maya, I mean,” Andrew says.

Carina smiles. “Things are great. She’s great.” She shrugs. “It took some time to adjust to having another person in her space.”

“The vagina art too much for her?” Andrew asks with a smirk.

Carina rolls her eyes at him. “I’ve been doing a lot of cooking. It reminds me of home and I’ve needed that connection with everything going on,” Carina admits. “But Maya’s not a fan of a messy kitchen.”

“Remember when Mama used to get us to help her make Frutti di Mare?” Andrew says.

Carina smiles at the memory. “You wouldn’t touch the squid, you didn’t like the tentacles.”

“I still don’t,” Andrew says with an involuntary shiver. “Because you used to tease me by waving them in my face!”

Carina laughs, but the smile doesn’t stay on her face for long. “It was the only dish that Mama made that Nonna thought was any good.”

Her heart aches for the matriarchs of her family. Mama has been gone for over ten years now, and Nonna is the latest member of their family to fall victim to coronavirus.

“I hate that we can’t be there to say goodbye,” Andrew says, putting into words what Carina is thinking and feeling herself.

“Me too.”

“We’ll go back when we can,” Andrew says. “A family road trip. You can bring Maya too.”

Carina nods. “I’d like that,” she says with a small smile.

She tips her head to the side, her eyes back on the blue Sedan. As if she knows she is being talked about, Carina’s cell phone starts to ring and Maya’s face pops up on the screen. Carina answers it immediately.

“Maya, we have no news,” Carina says.

“I do,” Maya says. “The cops are on their way.”

“Ah great,” Carina says gratefully.

“Okay, thank you. Thank you, Maya,” Andrew says. He looks at Carina with a twinkle in his eye. “You know, you're my favourite girlfriend Carina's ever had? And there's been a lot.”

Carina shakes her head at him. “No, don't listen to him.”

She hears Maya laugh, but the moment of respite ends suddenly when they see Opal emerge from her car.

“She’s getting out,” Carina says.

She sees Andrew put his mask on and knows that he is not going to wait for the police to arrive.

“Okay, no, Andrea. Andrea! We need the police. They will be here any second.”

“I’m not losing her!” Andrew says.

He turns and gets out of the car.

“Andrea!” Carina calls out after him, but he ignores her.

She hears Maya on the other end of the phone but can’t stay and talk to her while her brother is out there chasing a possible criminal. She unbuckles her seatbelt, flustered and starting to panic.

“Maya, I have to hang up.”

She hits the red button and jumps out of the car, following Andrew into the train station and rushing to catch up with him. Her phone rings in her hand and she answers it without looking at the caller I.D.

“Maya, I cannot…”

“No, it’s Warren,” comes Ben’s voice.

“Are you here?” Carina asks.

“Not yet.”

“Okay, we're following her through the train station,” Carina tells him.

“Train station?” Ben questions. “Wait, you left the car?”

“Andrea got out and I had to go after him.”

Carina hears Ben’s exasperated response but doesn’t have time to explain it. He knows Andrew, he knows he won’t rest until the job is done and Opal is caught.

She catches up with Andrew at the bottom of the steps, where he is watching Opal who has stopped nearby. Carina takes the opportunity to move in front of him and block him.

“What are you doing?”

“I don’t know, just trust me, okay?” Andrew says.

It is not about trust, it is about doing the right thing in the right way – and she isn’t convinced that this is the right way to do it.

A stranger walks past them and hears them talking in their native Italian, shooting them a disgusted look.

“Italians? How'd you even get in this country? Aren't you all carrying the coronavirus?” he sneers at them.

Carina rolls her eyes and yells after him. “Go away! We have enough problems as is, please!”

Carina’s voice is loud and she draws attention towards them. Opal hears her too and turns around, looking up the steps.

“Carina!” Andrew hisses.

He wraps his arm around her shoulders and turns their backs towards their suspect to hide their faces. Carina’s heart races in her chest, feeling guilty at maybe giving them away. Beside her, Andrew peeks over his shoulder to see Opal walking away.

“Let’s get back in the car,” Carina says, knowing that was a close call and wishing they could just take a step back and wait for the police to arrive.

Andrew doesn’t pay attention to her plea and continues down the steps. “Stop it, let’s go.”

“Andrea!” Carina tries to object but he marches forwards.

“Talk to me, Carina!” she hears Ben’s voice calling out to her from her phone.

She puts the phone back to her ear. “Ben, I think he's going to follow her into the train.”

“Which train?” Ben asks.

“We don’t know yet.”

“Well, can you tell us when you find out wha…”

Her phone cuts out mid-sentence.

“Ben? I can’t hear… Ben?”

She gives up trying to speak to him and shoves her phone back in her pocket, picking up her pace to catch up with her brother.

“Andrea, if we follow her onto the train, we won't know where she's going,” Carina points out.

“What other option is there? Just let her go?” Andrew challenges her.

“But Ben won't know where to meet us.”

“We can text Ben from the train.”

“Andrea, they have her license plate now. They can find her,” Carina says.

She can feel him growing impatient with her. “We don't even know if that's her car. We don't know her name. I can't live with that,” Andrew says and she knows that he will not let this go. “I’m going. Are you coming or not?”

Carina wishes he would stop just for a minute so that they can figure out their next step in a calm, collected manner, but she knows that if they do, Opal will be gone and he will never forgive himself for that – or her.

“Yes, come on,” she relents, striding forward.

The follow Opal on to a platform where a train pulls up heading south on the 1 Line. Opal sits alone at the front of the carriage, eyes forward and her hands shoved into her pockets. Andrew and Carina get into the carriage further up, sitting behind her so they can keep an eye on her. They need her to not turn around, otherwise they will be in her line of sight.

“What’s our plan?” Carina asks.

“It’s a beautiful day in Seattle, we’re gonna ride the train,” Andrew says – his way of telling her that he doesn’t have a plan. That makes her nervous again.

“Do you have service yet? Text Ben,” Carina reminds him.

Andrew pulls his phone out of his jacket and sends Ben a text, letting him know they are on a train and where they are headed. As he does, Carina notices the woman sat opposite them watching them suspiciously as they talk in Italian. She shuffles uncomfortably in her seat and Carina can’t help but shake her head, astounded by her idiocy.

“Okay, they’re meeting us at the next stop,” Andrew says.

“Nineteen?”

“Yes, and the police,” he tells her. “If she gets off, they’ll be there – and if she doesn’t, they’ll get on.”

Carina cannot wait for the police to intervene. What she thought would be a car ride following Opal to her home has escalated into something much more and she doesn’t like it.

Meanwhile, the woman sitting opposite them gets up and moves to a seat further away, giving them a strange look as she sits down. This time, Andrew sees her too.

“My first time being profiled as an Italian,” he comments. “It's about as un-fun as I expected it to be.”

It’s funny, she thinks, that it has been a long time since they have been on an adventure together. Not that this is the kind of adventure she wishes for them, but they used to get up to such mischief when they were children. Later in life, when Andrew would visit her during his summer vacation, or she would travel to America to see him for the holidays, they would challenge each other to find the most interesting day trips. Andrew had taken her to sea caves and grottos and sculpture gardens, and she has photo albums full of memories of their adventures back home in Italy.

“Can you imagine Papa's reaction to this right now?” she asks with an amused smile on her face.

It doesn’t make Andrew smile like she thought it would. “I'm sorry you had to grow up with Papa all alone,” he says. “You didn't even get to be a kid. You were responsible for his moods, his success. I’m sorry.”

Carina shakes her head. “His failures, as he always reminded me. And I'm sorry I lied to you when Mama died. I guess I just wanted to protect you.” A smile forms underneath her mask, lighting up her eyes, as a memory springs to mind. “Do you remember when I used to tuck you in at night, and I used to sing you that song before you and Mama left for the States?”

Andrew starts to sing in his soft, Italian voice. “You’ll have smiles on your face like crickets and stars in August.”

Carina feels a warmth spread across her chest. “You remember it! It’s been so long.” She leans down and rests her head on his shoulder for moment. “You were so tiny.”

“Why do you think they split us up?” Andrew wonders out loud. “I mean, I know I've always just kind of accepted it as what they did, but I mean, why would you do that to a couple kids? Why send me away? Why not just keep us together?”

She had been sixteen years old when their parents split up. Andrew had just turned twelve. She still remembers sitting in the window, watching as the cab driver had filled the trunk with their bags. She had refused to go outside to say goodbye, it was too hard. Her family was being torn into two – literally – and all she could do was watch as the taxi had rolled down the driveway to the road, taking her mom and brother away from her.

“Andrea, that was actually my idea,” she confesses.

Andrew looks at her curiously. “What do you mean?”

“One night, I was tucking you in, and I heard them talking about divorce. Mama said she wanted to move to the U.S. and start afresh. Dad was screaming that he would rather tear the family apart than be left alone and childless, and I knew already there that something was wrong with him. You know, his extreme mood swings.”

She doesn’t remember when they started, it’s like they had always been a part of her life growing up. It wasn’t all bad; when they were very little it would be months in between episodes. She remembers summers spent on the fishing boat with him, full of jokes and teasing and laughter, and they would go home dirty and rosy-cheeked, with bellies full of chips and cookies.

It got harder as they got older, and his mood swings became more frequent and unpredictable. And then there was the incident at the hospital and the DeLuca name became sullied, and his rages became worse.

“But I can handle him. And I didn't want you to be stuck with him, you know? I didn't want you to be stuck with that. So I told Mom to take you with her.”

She looks forwards and blinks back tears.

“I think it is a family curse. The desperate need to help others, even if it hurts.”

Andrew reaches out and puts his hand over hers, squeezing it in comfort. As he does, he notices Opal looking over her shoulder at them. Carina senses his sudden change in body language and looks down the train where Opal is watching them, then straightens up immediately.

Her heart sinks. It is hard to believe that she hasn’t recognised them, even behind their masks. Opal stands up and walks forwards toward the adjoining carriage.

“I know what you're thinking, but it's too dangerous,” Carina says, as she feels a shift in Andrew’s body weight.

“You don't know what I'm thinking,” Andrew objects.

“You're thinking you should tackle her,” Carina says.

Andrew shrugs. “That's pretty close, actually.”

“Andrea, no. She saw us. It's over.”

Opal walks through the carriage doors, disappearing from their view, and the pressure of staying hidden is gone for a moment – only to be replaced by the uncertainty of what to do next.

“Look, no, we're wearing masks, okay? There's no way she could have recognised us.”

Carina is pretty sure that is just wishful thinking. Everything about Opal’s demeanour tells her that they have been caught. To her despair, Andrew stands up and starts to walk through the carriage.

“We have to keep our eyes on her.”

Carina stands up and grabs his arm.

“Please, she is dangerous. Stop!” she pleads with him.

He looks at her as if he is thinking about it, but he is too wilful – a family trait, she knows – and he strides forwards into the next carriage. She calls after him to no avail, and eventually follows him.

She steps through the gangway and into the next carriage. Opal is standing near one of the doors, her phone to her ear. They hang back again, keeping their eyes on her.

One minute to downtown.

Opal looks out of the window and, since she hasn’t bothered to sit down, they guess she is about to alight at the next station. They try to shield themselves from her view in case she turns around again. Carina’s heart is beating nervously in her chest. She isn’t made for covert operations like this and prays that she will never have to do this again.

The train pulls into the station and the doors open. Opal gets off, merging into the crowd of passengers on the platform. There is no sign of the police, much to Carina’s chagrin, and Andrew is hot on her heels.

“Andrea stop!” Carina calls after him. “We follow her and then what?”

They follow her off the platform and into the station, heading towards the main concourse.  

“Carina, listen to me, okay? I want you to go find Ben and the police. I'm not losing her, I can't live with that,” Andrew says.

Resigned to the fact that he will not stop until the police arrest her, Carina has no choice but to agree to his plan. At least if Ben is nearby, they have someone else on their side.

“Okay.”

Carina pulls out her phone as Andrew breaks out into a gentle jog, racing through the station after Opal. She texts Ben to let them know they are here and receives a swift reply, letting her know that he is outside with the police, waiting for Opal to exit the station where they plan to catch her. She sighs with relief that this is almost over and slows her pace as she makes her way through the station. She convinces herself that by the time she catches up with Andrew, Opal will be in police custody.

What happens next is beyond all comprehension.

She is walking through the main concourse when she sees someone lying on the floor, with no-one else around them. It takes her a minute to realise that the person is familiar to her, the same leather jacket and pair of denim jeans that have been in her company all morning.

Andrea?

Suddenly she is running towards him, faster than she has ever moved in her life.

“Andrea! Hey.”

She notices him writhing in pain, his hand clutching his stomach. She lifts his t-shirt, exposing what looks like a deep wound. The blood starts to pour quickly and she puts one hand over it to stem it, while pulling her mask down and calling for help.

“I think he stabbed me,” Andrew groans.

‘He’ who?

She doesn’t have time to ponder it, he needs help now. She looks around for somebody – anybody – to help them.

“Help! Call 9-1-1! Help!”

There are a few nearby passengers who come over to see what all the commotion is about and a young gentleman pulls out his cell phone. She hears him calling for an ambulance and turns her attention back on her brother, pressing both hands on top of the wound.

“Talk to me,” she begs. “Can you hear me?”

The blood trickles through her fingers and she notices how warm and sticky it feels. She is not used to it, her hands usually protected by the surgical gloves she wears at work. She feels nauseous. His skin is starting to pale into a sickly grey and she puts one hand on his cheek, talking to him softly to keep him focussed on her.

Just keep breathing, Andrea.

She doesn’t know how long passes – a few minutes maybe – but the next thing she feels is someone’s arms around her waist.

“It’s okay, we’re here.”

It takes her a moment to register who it is. She hears Ben’s voice calling out to make room for them and when she turns she realises that the voice she recognised was Maya’s.

“Help him! Help him!” she begs.

She feels Maya tugging at her waist, but she resists to stay by Andrew’s side. She hears the screeching of the wheels against the hard floor and looks up as Ben and Jack slide a gurney next to them.

“Carina,” Andrew speaks her name so softly she barely hears it over her own cries.

Maya pulls harder, stronger, and lifts her to standing despite Carina’s protestations.

“We’re gonna have to work,” she says gently. “Come on, come on.”

Carina lets her pull her to standing, her legs weak and she falls back against Maya’s chest. She can hear Maya talking to her, soothing her, but she doesn’t hear what she is saying. She is too focussed on her brother, watching as Ben and Jack tend to him, willing him to stay alive.

“Stay with us!” she hears Jack say.

Just keep breathing, Andrea.

Tears are streaming down her face, the salty tears falling on to her top lip. She licks them away. Her hands are covered with his blood, staining red. She jerks against Maya’s arms, but Maya refuses to let go.

“No, I need to stay with him. Maya please!” she pleads, but Maya holds her back.

“Let them do their job.”

The bandage on his wound seeps with blood, doing little to stop the bleeding. They put an oxygen mask on his face and hook him up with a saline drip, before carefully lifting him on to the gurney. She breaks free from Maya’s arms and rushes over to be by his side, one hand on his arm and the other stroking his hair as they secure him. She talks to him softly – in English, in Italian; she has no idea what she is saying but she keeps her voice soft and low and soothing.

Jack’s hands stay on the bandage, keeping constant pressure, until they start to move.

“Bishop.” He nods to his hands and Maya takes over, one hand on the bloody bandage while the other holds his saline drip. Carina watches as the blood smears on her gloved hand.

They move quickly as they wheel him out to the aid car and lift him into the back. Carina climbs in after them, staying close, still talking to him. Jack drives, fast and steady, through the streets towards the hospital.

Maya picks up her radio. “Grey Sloan Memorial, this is Captain Maya Bishop from station nineteen. We have a doctor…”

She trails off when Ben shakes her head at him.

“A thirty-five male with an abdominal stab wound coming your way. He's tachycardic and hypotensive.”

‘Thirty four,’ Carina thinks. He’s only thirty-four. They just celebrated his birthday a few weeks ago, a quiet toast in her office thanks to the pandemic. Maya had bought him a Milwaukee Brewers jersey, how has she forgotten that already?

Maya calls for Warren to put his hand on the wound and moves to the front of the cabin.

“I got it, I got it,” Ben says.

Groaning beneath them, Andrew tries to speak from underneath his oxygen mask.

“What?” Ben asks him.

“Did they get her?”

Despite everything, all he cares about is knowing that Opal had been caught.

“Yeah, they got her,” Ben says. “They got her.”

Carina reaches for his hand and squeezes it, shooting him a proud smile. Of course she is proud of him. Hoping to comfort him and distract him from the pain, she starts to sing to him through her tears.

“You’ll have smiles on your face, like crickets and stars in August…”

Tears fall from her cheeks and onto his hand. He moans in pain, his eyes pinched shut, and she tries to soothe him. A tear trickles from the corner of his eye and down his cheek. She wipes it away gently and runs her fingers through his thick, dark hair. He keeps his eyes on her – his big sister – and she kisses his hand.

“It’s okay,” she promises him. “You’re going to be okay.”

He tries to say something but she shakes his head, needing him to use all his energy to heal.

“Ssh,” she hushes him. “You’re okay, you’re okay.”

If she says it enough times, it will be true.

Just keep breathing, Andrea.

“You’re gonna be okay.”

She repeats it over and over again, the siren drowning out her voice and ringing loud in her ear. Andrew curls up in pain.

“I need another ABD,” Ben says.

Maya passes him another pad and he replaces the one that is soaked in blood. He won’t stop bleeding, no matter what they do.  

“Why aren’t we there yet?” Carina demands impatiently.

“We’re going as fast as we can without crashing,” Maya says. She is checking his throat to make sure he can breathe.

“You need to tell them it’s him so they’re ready,” Carina says. They will all come if they know it is him, they will be ready and waiting to save one of their own. It is what they do.  

“Okay, Carina, I know you are scared, but this isn't helping,” Ben says kindly.

She doesn’t care if she is getting on his nerves, she won’t stop fighting for her baby brother. He needs her to fight because he doesn’t have the strength to do it himself right now. He needs to use every ounce of energy in his body to just keep breathing.

Andrew is struggling against Maya’s hands and muttering something, gaining their attention.

“B? ‘B’ what, buddy?” Ben asks him.

“B positive, that’s my blood type,” Andrew says.

Same as Mama. Carina is A positive, same as Papa.

“We’ll call ahead and make sure they know,” Ben says. He looks over at Maya. “Give me a four by four.”

“Andrea? You are gonna be okay, Andrea, okay?”

He groans again, looking over at her, and she tightens her hold of his hand.

“Okay?”

“Two minutes out!” Jack yells at them from the driver’s seat.

Two minutes.

Just keep breathing, Andrea.

Maya calls it in, warning them that they are almost there and giving them Andrew’s blood type. Carina wonders who is working today and who will greet them at the doors. Bailey, perhaps, or Owen.

Just like Jack said, they pull into the entrance of the E.R. a couple of minutes later. Ben opens the doors and Carina stumbles out, where she almost collides with Owen.

“Carina, what the hell?”

“It’s Andrea,” she tells him immediately.

“What?” Schmitt exclaims.

“Stab wound to the abdomen, possibly into the chest,” Ben says. “Slightly hypotensive and tachycardic after one litre of N.S.”

“What happened?”

“He was following a sex trafficker and she attacked him,” Maya says as she climbs out of the back of the aid car alongside the gurney.

“They got her,” Andrew murmurs. “I think I'm okay.”

“DeLuca, try not to talk,” Owen tells him. “It’s Doctor Hunt. You’re at Grey Sloan.” He looks up at the team around the gurney. “Let’s get him to trauma one – let’s move! Schmitt, let’s go!”

They rush inside, everyone understanding that time is critical. Still, Carina can’t help but reach out and grab Owen’s arm.

“Owen!”

He turns and she looks at him pleadingly.

“Please save him. Please.”

She knows it is unfair to put this burden on him but she does it anyway because it’s Andrea, her baby brother, and she needs him to live.

Owen nods, his face more serious than she has ever seen it. “Okay,” he says.

There is no promise made. There can’t be.

Owen turns and rushes into the hospital behind them. Carina stands rigidly in doorway, her legs feel heavy and she gasps for breath. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. They were just supposed to follow Opal to her house and call it into the police. They weren’t supposed to follow her across the city or on a train. Andrew wasn’t supposed to get hurt.

“Carina?” a gentle voice pulls her out of her reverie and she looks up to see Maya looking at her, her brow furrowed with concern. She is still wearing her gown and gloves, and Carina guesses that she backtracked to come and find her once Andrew had been delivered to a trauma room.

“Someone stabbed him,” is all Carina can find to say.

“He’s with the doctors now, they’ll do everything they can for him.”

Carina notices that Maya doesn’t make any promises either. She can’t, because they all know how this might end. She holds back a sob.

“Let’s go and find a waiting room,” Maya suggests.

Carina shakes her head. “No. No, I need to be with him.”

Spurred on suddenly, she dashes through the pit towards the trauma room with Maya close behind her. Andrew has a team of doctors and nurses around him. Owen uses a portable ultrasound to check his heart and belly for injuries. Carina lingers by his feet, watching every move they make to save him. Maya links her hand through her arm, her touch the only comfort right now.

“Carina, you shouldn’t be here,” Ben says.

She shoots daggers at him, which she knows is unfair, but there is no way she is going to be anywhere else right now. She feels Maya other hand on her back and she leans into her, pretty sure that her girlfriend is the only thing that is keeping her standing.

Andrew writhes and groans on the gurney, and she can’t bear to see him in any more pain.

When he was seven years old, they had been playing in their grandparents’ garden one Saturday afternoon. Carina had dared him to climb the tree at the bottom of the yard, knowing that he was nervous of heights. She promised him that he could share her new radio that Nonno had given her for her birthday. Despite his fear, Andrew had puffed out his chest and started to climb. She had egged him on, higher and higher, until he reached the thinner branches towards the top. He was little for his age back then, only twenty kilos or so, but still his weight had been too much and she still remembers the sound of the branch snapping and his cry of terror as he had tumbled to the ground. He had landed with a thump on his right arm, breaking it in two places.

When their parents asked him why he was up the tree, he didn’t tell them about the dare or blame her. He was too kind to do that. She let him have the radio in his bedroom while his arm healed, only taking it back when the cast came off six weeks later.

“There's fluid in his abdomen and around his heart,” Owen says.

“How you feeling, DeLuca?” Ben asks.

“Like I got stabbed.”

“Chest films are up,” Schmitt announces.

He turns the screen so that they can all see the images. Carina’s body drops when she sees the damage that has been done by the knife. It is bad – really bad.

“DeLuca, you have a haemothorax. I'm gonna have to place a chest tube, okay? Schmitt, hang another unit.”

Carina catches sight of the scalpel that Owen plans to use and looks away, keeping her eyes on Andrew’s face, not needing to see Owen cutting into him. Maya’s arms tighten around her, knowing that the next moment is going to be traumatic. Owen makes his cut and someone passes him the chest tube. Still, she keeps her eyes on Andrew’s face.

Just keep breathing, Andrea.

“Here it comes. Ready?”

Andrew cries out in pain, his body pinned down by various people as Owen puts the tube into his chest. Carina’s body reacts, a pain in her own chest that mirrors her brother’s except hers is firmly in her heart.

“BP's still dropping,” Ben says.

“Okay, let's call the O.R. Tell them we're on our way up, okay?”

Carina steps forward. “Hey, I want to go with him.” She doesn’t care if it is against protocol, she wants to stay by his side.

Andrew is the first one to object. “Carina, no.”

“Andrea, I want to come with you.”

“Carina, he's right,” Owen says. “Please.”

She feels Maya pulling her away and she relents, walking back into the hallway to make room for them to wheel him out. Maya rubs her arms but it is little comfort to her now. She watches him go, not knowing if she will ever see him alive again.

Just keep breathing, Andrea.

Chapter Text

She doesn’t notice the walk from the pit to her office. She doesn’t see the familiar halls and the familiar faces that greet her every day at work, it is all a blur. All she knows is that her hand is safe in Maya’s as she leads her through the hospital. If anyone speaks to her along the way, she doesn’t hear it. Her brain is fuzzy and there is a buzzing in her ears that drowns out any thoughts she might have. It hurts her head but she is grateful for it because it stops her from thinking about Andrew, from seeing the fear and pain on his face as they wheeled him out of the trauma room.

It can’t be real, she thinks to herself. Someone is going to wake her up any moment and tell her she is having a nightmare. Because it can’t be real.

Carina is a doctor and, okay, she’s an OBGYN but she has seen her fair share of traumas. This feels different. It is personal, it is her baby brother about to be on that operating table, the victim of a horrific act of violence that she couldn’t stop from happening. They had so many chances to walk away and they didn’t, they kept going, and now Andrew is fighting for his life.

She remembers the day their mama collapsed, how she found her on the floor of the kitchen in her tiny apartment, pale and still, with barely a pulse. She called out for help then too, but no-one had come. She had fumbled for her phone and called for an ambulance, but she already knew it was hopeless, that Mama was gone.

Is she going to lose someone else she loves today?

Her body aches, full of tension, and she feels prickly, like she is on the edge of snapping. She hears Maya tell her to take off her coat but her limbs don’t follow what her brain is telling them to do and she sighs with frustration.

“I’ll do it,” Maya says softly.

She is gentle with her movements as she slips her hands inside the lapels of Carina’s coat and pushes it off her shoulders. She slides it onto the wire coat hanger that hangs on the back of the door. Carina’s sweater follows and she obediently raises her arms so that Maya can pull it over her head. She watches as Maya folds it neatly, knowing that Carina always takes care of her clothes, complaining when she drops hers haphazardly on the floor after a twenty-four hour shift when all she wants to do is fall into bed and sleep.

They don’t talk about the blood stains that have started to dry into the soft cashmere, that will be a bitch to get out.

Maya finds a Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital hoodie in one of the cupboards and Carina slips it on. Her fingers fumble with the zipper and Maya steps in front of her to do it for her.

“Thank you,” Carina says in barely more than a whisper.

Her eyelids feel heavy as the pounding headache gets worse and she squeezes them shut briefly, leaning against the edge of her desk to keep her steady.

“Do you want some Tylenol?” Maya asks.

Carina nods her head. Maya retrieves a half-empty packet from her top drawer and passes them to her. She has to swallow them dry, gulping several times until she can’t feel them stuck in her throat any more.

“What do you need?”

It is not an easy question to answer. She needs for this day not to have happened, she needs for her brother not to be on his way to an operating room right now. There is nothing that Maya can do to make either of these things happen.

“I think… I need to pray.”

She doesn’t go to church much any more, except at Christmas and on her Mama’s birthday, but her belief in God hasn’t wavered. Even with all the grief and loss she has suffered over these last few months, when others might question His plan, she has kept her faith. She needs to believe more than ever that He will make sure that Andrew gets through this – even if she does hate Him a little bit right now for putting her through this again.

“Okay. How about we go and wait in the hospital chapel?”

Carina nods. Before they can leave, there is a knock on the door and they turn to see Ben in the doorway.

“Hey, I just came to see how you’re doing?”

‘How do you think I’m doing?’ Carina wants to snap back at him, to point out how stupid his question is, but she doesn’t. Instead, she says nothing.

She feels Maya slip her hand around hers and squeeze it gently.

“We’re just about to go the chapel,” Maya says. “Are you heading back to the station?”

“No. Gibson’s on his way there now with the aid car, but I was gonna hang around here for a bit,” Ben says. “If that’s okay with you, Captain?”

“Of course,” Maya says. She offers him a small smile. “Thank you – for today, for being there.”

He glances at Carina, perturbed by her silence, then back to Maya. “If there’s anything else you need, just shout.”

With a short nod goodbye, he backs out of the office, closing the door quietly behind him.

“I should be with him,” Carina says suddenly. “Andrea, I… I should be with him.”

It feels wrong that she is not by his side, holding his hand. She doesn’t care what he said, what Owen said, she should be with him. She shouldn’t be here.

She pushes herself away from the desk, but her hand is still in Maya’s and she holds her back.

“Carina…”

“No!”

Her voice grows louder, the fear and frustrations bottled within threatening to spill out. She steals her hand away from Maya.

“They wouldn’t let me go with him. You wouldn’t let me go with him.”

“Babe…”

“And now he’s alone.”

“Hey, hey,” Maya says, placing a hand on each of Carina’s arms. She struggles against her; she doesn’t want to be calm and still, she needs to rage, but Maya doesn’t back down. She gently guides her to face her. “He’s not alone.”

Carina’s eyes point downwards at Maya’s pristine white starched collar, stubbornly refusing to meet her eyes. Maya tucks her fingers under her chin, encouraging her to look up.

“He’s not alone,” she repeats. “Owen is there with him. And I bet that everyone in that OR is someone who knows him and cares about him. Because that’s who he is, he’s someone that people care so much about.” She runs the back of her fingers across Carina’s cheek. “He knows you’re here. He’s not alone.”

“What if he needs me?” Carina says quietly. “What if…”

“Don’t think like that,” Maya interrupts, knowing what she is about to say. “We have to stay positive, right? We have to believe that he’s going to be okay.”

She says it with so much surety that Carina starts to believe it. Her shoulders sag as Maya draws her into her body, wrapping her arms around her. Her arms are warm and comforting, and she leans into the hug, letting Maya support her body weight for a moment. She doesn’t want to fall apart, she needs to stay strong for Andrew – until he is better.

“Come on,” Maya says softly in her ear. “Let’s go to the chapel.”

Carina’s hand is back in the safety of Maya’s as they walk through the hospital. She keeps her head down as they go, avoiding the curious looks and sympathetic glances from her colleagues. Some of them offer kind words of hope and best wishes, and Maya thanks them but doesn’t stop moving.

The chapel is empty when they get there, which isn’t unusual these days because of the lack of visitors during the Covid restrictions. Maya holds the door open and lets Carina walk in first. The room is cold and she shivers, wrapping her arms around her body as if it will do some good. Maya comes up beside her and puts her hand on her back, but it is too soft and she steps away from her, walking up to the candles.

People have been here before them, flames already burning. Carina closes her eyes and prays to God – begs Him – to make sure Andrew is okay. She picks up the box of matches to light her own candle, a gift to God for hearing her, except her hands are shaking and she has to strike it several times before it catches fire. She lights the first candle, then discards the match before it can burn her fingers, taking another out of the box – this time to light a candle for her Mama. Only her hands won’t stop shaking and the match scrapes against the side of the box without catching fire. She keeps trying to no avail, getting more and more frustrated with each stroke.

Over her shoulder, she hears Maya’s phone buzz.

“Warren got called to a four-alarm downtown.”

It irritates her – that someone is trying to call her away, that she bothered to check her phone in the first place.

“Do you have to go?” Carina asks gruffly.

The match in her hand refuses to light and she huffs.  

“Carina, I'm not going anywhere,” Maya tells her and she feels relief washing over her. She can’t do this without Maya.

And then Maya is by her side, a hand on her wrist to stop her from striking the match any more.

“Hey, hey.”

Maya takes the match and the box from Carina, leaving her hands empty but still shaking, so she stuffs them into her pockets, clenching them into fists. The match lights up on the first strike and Carina watches as Maya lights a candle.

She wishes Mama was still alive and there to tell her that everything will be okay, to give her reassurance like only a parent can do. They were such a unit when she was younger – Mama, Andrew and her. With Papa’s focus on work so much, and his mood swings becoming unpredictable, the time spent just the three of them are some of her happiest memories.  

“Before she died, Mama called us two halves of one whole,” Carina says. Maya looks at her curiously and she smiles. “It loses something in translation. My dad, he thought we were completely different, but my mom knew that we could not breathe without the other.”

“One year, when Dad was too manic to talk sense to, he, um, spent all our Christmas money on stuff he didn't need…” She turns and walks over to the front pew, sitting down. Maya follows, listening to her story. “…but Mom saved up and she surprised us with one gift. A pair of roller skates.”

She can’t help but smile at the memory. They had spent the day moping about the lack of presents and she remembers Mama sitting them down on the couch, persuading them to close their eyes and putting the gift in front of them, waiting with her camera to capture the moment they saw her surprise.

She should find that photo.

“Andrea tried to give them to me, but I put on the left and he put on the right, and we held the other two legs up like flamingos and skated around the house.”  

She can still see the way Andrew’s face lit up, can still feel the joy of knowing how much Mama loved them. She can still hear the squeals that echoed around the house as they skated – well, tried to skate. They weren’t very co-ordinated and kept bumping into things. One of Mama’s vases had crashed to the floor, breaking into tiny pieces; but instead of being angry, Mama had tipped her head back and laughed.

Andrew does the same thing when he laughs and he looks just like her. She has always envied him for that.

Her eyes fill with tears again when she thinks about Andrew on the operating table and the fear of losing him washes over her once again.

“Two parts, one whole.”

She joins her palms together and waves them through the air, like Mama used to do, then drops her head into her hands to cry again. Maya slips a hand around her waist and slides in closer, her free hand running over her hair and pulling her closer. Carina rests her head on Maya’s shoulder and burrows her face into her neck. Her sobs fill the room, echoing off the white-washed walls. Her chest heaves, her breath catching in her throat, and she feels Maya gently rubbing her back.

She doesn’t let go until she feels Carina’s body still against her. Even then, she keeps her arm wrapped around her waist as Carina straightens up.  

“I’m sorry,” Carina says, drying her cheeks with the sleeve of her hoodie.

“Hey, you’re allowed to be upset,” Maya scolds her lightly. She leans in and presses her lips against Carina’s temple, kissing her softly.  

Carina smiles as the gesture. “Thank you. I know today – the inspection – was important to you…”

“You’re more important,” Maya says, cutting her off.

Carina knows what it means to hear Maya say that – a woman who is so focussed on her job, so determined to climb the career ladder, that she won’t let anything get in her way.

“No wonder you’re Andrea’s favourite,” Carina teases her, enjoying the sound of the small laugh that escapes from Maya’s lips. “You’re mine too.”

They lean into one another, resting their foreheads against each other. It is going to be hours before they get an update and Carina already feels exhausted from the waiting. Her mind goes to unspeakable places and she tries so hard to stop it, to put good thoughts into her head, but they are overshadowed by all the bad ones. The pandemic, the losses she has seen – both personally and professionally – have all chipped away at her, knocking her optimism and zeal for life off kilter. She feels a weight bearing down on her, the load only lightened by Maya’s presence.

The minutes tick by slowly. Maya tries to fill the silence sometimes, but Carina barely engages. The only way to get through this is to keep her mind blank, to numb the fear as much as possible. Carina stays in her seat, while Maya paces up and down the pews sometimes, unable to sit still for too long.

Carina finds herself humming at one point, the song she used to sing to Andrea when he was little.

Avrai sorrisi sul tuo viso come ad agosto grilli e stelle…

It is a song that Nonna taught her, that she would sing to Papa when he was a little boy – passed down the generations, she always told Carina that she hoped she would one day sing it to her own children.

“Merda!”

Maya stops her pacing and looks at her. “What?”

“Papa,” Carina says slowly. “I haven’t told Papa yet.”

“Can you imagine Papa's reaction to this right now?” she had asked Andrew earlier that day on the train. She thought it was cute, that they would tell him of their adventure racing around the city. How stupid that was in hindsight. Her stomach flips and she worries for a moment that she is going to throw up. She swallows thickly.

Maya walks across the chapel and sits beside her. “Do you want to call him now?”

“I… don’t know,” Carina says. She looks at Maya with pleading eyes, needing her to make the decision for her.

Maya sees it in her face. “Maybe you should wait until you get an update from Owen?” she suggests. “There’s nothing your dad can do from Italy and he’s only going to worry while he waits for news.”

Carina nods. It makes sense. She can’t cope with her father’s erratic emotions on top of her own right now.

A knock on the door interrupts them and they turn in unison, expecting to see a doctor or nurse and are instead surprised to see a police officer stepping into the chapel. Maya recognises him immediately, despite the black mask on his face.

“Officer Patterson,” she greets him, standing up and putting her own mask on. Beside her, Carina does the same. “Is everything okay?”

He nods. “I wanted to let you know that the suspect, Opal, has been arrested and charged,” he says. “We were also able to identify the man responsible for stabbing your friend.”

“My brother,” Carina points out. “Andrea is my brother.”

Patterson looks sympathetically at her. “We have his name. Opal gave him up pretty quickly when she thought it would do her some good.”

Maya raises her eyebrows. “She’s trying to cut a deal?”

Carina turns rigid, angry at the thought. They both notice the change in her body language and Maya puts a calming hand on her arm.

“Don’t worry, it won’t get her very far,” Patterson assures them. “I spoke with Captain Rendon and we’re expecting them both to get a decent amount of jail time. I thought you’d want to know.”

“Thank you,” Maya says. “We appreciate it.”

Patterson turns to Carina, his face softening underneath his mask. “I’m very sorry about your brother. I hope he’s okay.”

Carina nods. “Thank you.”

They watch as Patterson turns and leaves, the heavy door swinging shut behind him. Once they are alone again, Carina removes her mask and shoves it back in her pocket, exhaling slowly.

He had done it. This whole day of running around the city on Opal’s heels had ended the way that Andrew wanted – with Opal behind bars.

She just hopes he didn’t sacrifice himself for it.

Carina’s body slumps as she feels a wave of grief rush through her again and her body sways gently, until Maya’s hand is on her back, leading her back towards the pews to sit down.

“Deep breaths, okay?” she says softly.

Carina nods, her shoulders sagging. Her hands won’t stop shaking and she shoves them back into her pockets. Maya reaches out and puts a hand on her knee, squeezing it in comfort. She doesn’t say anything, like she knows that Carina is tired of making small talk. All she wants is to know her baby brother is okay.

Please God, just tell me he’s okay.

As if God is listening, the doors to the chapel open and they turn to see Owen and Teddy step inside. Carina is on her feet immediately, desperate for good news. She hooks her mask over her ears and waits for one of them to speak.

“The wound was more severe than we'd hoped, but he's pulled through,” Owen says.

It takes a moment for his words to make sense in her head. “Oh my God,” she murmurs.

“He's alive,” Teddy says in the simplest terms. “Your brother's alive.”

“Oh my God!” Carina cries, louder this time, the relief and joy flowing from her. She reaches out to them, though still keeps a distance. “Oh, it hurts not to hug you right now.”

They laugh and Carina feels the tension dropping from her body. Of course he will have a long recovery ahead of him, but he’s alive and she had been so frightened that she had lost him.

“Hey, look at them while you hug me,” Maya says, sliding her hands around her waist.

Carina practically falls into her arms, crying with relief, holding Maya as tightly as she can.

“Thank you,” she says over her shoulder to Teddy and Owen, who smile at her underneath their masks.

They turn, leaving Carina in Maya’s arms.

“He’s alive!” Maya says gleefully in her ear.

Carina nods against her shoulder. Maya’s arms are strong around her and she leans into her, letting her embrace hold her steady. Her hands finally feel like they have stopped shaking and she grasps at Maya’s jacket.  

When they finally pull back, Carina removes her mask for a moment to wipe the – this time happy – tears from her cheeks. Maya lifts one hand to help her, the tips of her fingers soft against her dry cheeks. Her own cheeks are wet with tears, happy and relieved herself that Andrew has made it through his surgery okay.

“He’s alive,” Carina repeats.

“Yeah, he is,” Maya says. “He’s gonna be okay. And he’ll be back to annoying you like a little brother does before you know it.”

Carina pulls Maya into another hug, holding her tightly as she laughs again. She can’t wait.

“I want him to come and live with us.”

Maya pulls back and looks at her quizzically.

“Just for a bit,” Carina clarifies. “While he gets better. I want… I need to be the one to take care of him.”

She knows it is a big thing to ask when they have only just moved in together, but Maya is quick to agree. “Of course, whatever you want” She smiles. “You wanna go see him?”

Carina nods, yes. She needs to tell him that she loves him, that she’s mad at him for being so stubborn and big hearted, and that she will never let him do anything like this ever again.

Slipping her mask back on, they walk hand-in-hand through the hospital towards the surgical recovery ward. A sign on the door reminds them that only hospital personnel are permitted inside – Covid rules. Rules that can’t be broken, not even by a local fire captain.  

Carina hesitates. Maya has been her side all day.

“It’s okay, you go,” Maya says.

“Are you sure? I know he’d love to see you too,” Carina says.

Maya’s eyes twinkle playfully. “Because I’m his favourite? You know I’m going to make him tell me about all the girlfriends who came before me,” she teases.

“He needs his rest,” Carina jokes back. “He shouldn’t be talking a lot.”

“Oh, so there’s a lot to talk about, is there?” Maya laughs.

Carina smiles as she steps towards her, taking her hands as she closes the gap between their bodies. 

“I’m so glad you were with me today,” she says quietly.

“There’s nowhere else I would have been but with you.”

Carina leans down and presses her forehead against Maya’s, closing her eyes and breathing in the mix her scent. They stand there for a minute, maybe two, until Maya’s cell phone buzzes in her back pocket.

Maya pulls it out and reads the screen. “It’s an update on the four alarm fire,” she says. “The team are on their way back to the station.”

“Why don’t you go and check up on them?” Carina suggests. “And get an update on the inspection.”

“No,” Maya objects. “I told you, I’m not going anywhere.”

Carina smiles. “It’s okay. It’s probably going to be a while before Andrew wakes up. Besides…” her hand rests on the front of Maya’s shirt where Andrew’s blood has stained it red. “…you should get changed.”

Maya looks up at her. “Are you sure?”

Carina nods. “I’m sure.”

“Okay,” Maya agrees, although still reluctantly. “I’ll be back within an hour. I’ll grab some food on the way back, I bet you haven’t eaten all day?”

The mention of food makes Carina’s stomach grumble.

“Food would be good,” she says. She looks around to make sure no-one is too close, then pulls her mask down over her chin. She does the same to Maya’s mask and leans down to kiss her softly.

“I love you.”

Maya smiles. “I love you too.” She lifts her mask back up over her mask. “Say hi to Andrew for me, okay?”

Carina watches her retreat back down the corridor, then turns and pushes the double doors open, walking into the surgical recovery ward. Owen is stood by the nurses’ station.

“Hey Carina,” he greets her.

“How’s he doing?” Carina asks.

Owen gestures towards a room nearby and she falls into step beside him.

“We’ve taken him off sedation,” Owen tells her. “He suffered a lot of bleeding, but his vitals are stable.”

Andrew lays still, a tube down his throat to help him breath and wires linking him to the various machines that are monitoring him. Despite being taller and broader than she is, he looks small. 

“Oh, Andrea,” Carina says softly.  

As if he knows that his big sister is nearby, Andrew starts to stir. His eyes open and he looks around the room, momentarily confused by his surroundings.

“Hey, hey,” Carina calls out to him, rushing into the room and perching on his bed. She picks up his hand and rubs it between hers. “Hey. Easy, easy, don't try to talk.”

He looks towards her, his eyes slowly focussing on her. His face softens in recognition.

“You did it,” she tells him. “It's over. They arrested the woman, they arrested the man who stabbed you. You saved so many children, Andrea.” She smiles through her tears. “But I’m still mad at you.” She points her finger at him playfully and he smiles back at her. “Now, blink once for morphine and twice for "I'm a dummy who will never ignore his sister ever again”."

He blinks once, knowing it will make her laugh – which it does.

“You’re such a dummy,” she says. “But I love you. And I’m so proud of what you did today.”

She runs the back of her hand over his cheek.

“Maya says hello,” she remembers to tell him. “She’s checking on her team, but she’ll be back later. I’ll try and sneak her in to see you.”

Andrew gives a small nod of his head, a sign that he will be happy to see her too. It is not long before his eyes start to droop already, just being awake too much effort for him right now.

“Get some rest, okay,” she tells him. She climbs off the bed and pulls a stool close, keeping hold of his hand the whole time. “I’m going to stay right here.”

He frowns and she knows it is his way of telling her to go and get some rest, but exhaustion wins and he drifts off. Carina sits with his hand in hers, watching his chest rise and fall with each breath. The song they sang on the train comes back into her head and she finds herself singing softly to him, like she did when he was a little boy.

“Avrai sorrisi sul tuo viso come ad agosto grilli e stelle,

Storie fotografate dentro un album rilegato in pelle,

I tuoni di aerei supersonici che fanno alzar la testa,

E il buio all'alba che si fa d'argento alla finestra.”

As she sits and waits, Carina realises how much she hurts – not just mentally, but physically as well. Her whole body feels heavy from the grief and exhaustion that it carries. She straightens her spine every now and again, rolling her shoulders back and trying to soothe her aching muscles, everything feeling tight. What she wouldn’t give for a glass of wine and hot bath right now.

Her cell phone pings at one point, a message from Maya, letting her know that she is about to leave the station. Carina sends a message back to tell her that Andrew had woken up for a moment and asking her to swing by Little Roma for her favourite fettucine dish, craving some comfort food right now.

Andrew stirs every now and again, giving Carina the chance to talk to him a little – reciting some Italian poems and telling stories from their childhood, something soothing to help keep him calm. The tube down his throat means he can’t talk back to her, but his eyes let her know that he is grateful she is there.

As he sleeps again, Carina leans back in her chair and reaches her arms above her head, stretching and yawning at the same time. It is almost nine p.m. but she feels like she hasn’t slept in days.

“You look exhausted,” comes a voice from behind her. She turns to see Owen in the doorway.

“I’m okay,” she lies. She looks back at Andrew. “I don’t want to go home and leave him here alone.”

“You want me to get you some coffee?” Owen offers.

She realises that coffee would do her some good right now – even if it is the crappy cafeteria kind.

“I think I’ll stretch my legs, go grab a cup,” Carina says. “You’ll be here?”

“Of course,” Owen says. “I’m just catching up with charts out by the nurses desk.”

Carina stands and makes her way to the door, pausing when she is next to him and reaching out to place her hand on his arm. “Thank you, Owen. For everything.”

“You’re welcome, Carina,” Owen says with a nod of his head.

She walks slowly through the hospital, her body too tired to rush. Andrew will be drifting in and out of consciousness for a while, and she knows he is in safe hands with Owen nearby. She avoids the vending machines and heads to the cafeteria, ordering an extra shot in her coffee. There are only two other people in there, those on a late night shift who are taking a much-needed break. Carina occupies a table by the window, looking out at the people below. She can see the admissions tent lit up in the dark, still a line of people waiting to be seen.

It is hard to believe that it was only fourteen hours ago that she bumped into Andrew in the parking lot. So much has happened since then.

She runs her hand through her matted hair. Maybe she should have asked Maya to bring her a hairbrush. Her bag is still in the trunk of her car, abandoned outside the train station, no doubt covered in parking tickets by now. She’ll have to ask Maya to retrieve it for her tomorrow.

She rubs her tired eyes as she waits for the caffeine to kick in. Her cell phone buzzes with messages from colleagues who have heard about Andrew, offering get well wishes. Everyone is so kind and thoughtful, and her heart is warmed by the way they all care so deeply about him. She has never worked at a hospital like Grey Sloan. Before she moved to Seattle, Andrew would tell her that they were like a big family and she had always scoffed disbelievingly. It turns out he was right, just like he was right about a lot of things.

Like Opal. Why hadn’t she listened to him instead of brushing off his concerns as another manic episode? He had been adamant all those months ago that Opal was abusing the girl she had brought to the hospital but Carina hadn’t believed him. No-one had believed him. Well, that would change from now on.

Once her coffee cup is empty, she makes her way back to the surgical recovery ward. The nurses’ station is empty and Carina looks across to the other side of the floor where everyone is piled into another room. She can hear the familiar beeping of the machines that tell her a patient is coding and she says a silent prayer, as she always does, before slipping into Andrew’s room.

Her blood runs cold when she sees the horror before her. Andrew is gone, a space where his bed should be. Wires that once connected him to the machines now hang loose and the screens that once told her that his heart was still beating in his chest are blank.

And the blood – there is so much blood.

It is smeared across the pale tiles where the wheels of the bed have rolled. Footprints of all shapes and sizes have been left behind, a trail of breadcrumbs leading out of the room and towards the elevator that she didn’t see before, too caught up in her thoughts to notice it.

“Oh Dio, no…”

She becomes aware of someone by her side, talking in her ear, but she doesn’t hear what they are saying. Their voice becomes distant and there is a whistling in her ears as she starts to run down the corridor and towards the operating rooms. Her eyes quickly scour the surgery board and she spies her brother’s name against OR 3. People call out to her and she ignores them, making her way towards the gallery. She only stops when someone grabs her arm, a firm hand resting just about her elbow.

“Carina, no.”

Her head whips around angrily.

“Let go of me!”

Richard loosens his grip but doesn’t let go entirely. “You can’t go in there, you know the rules.”

‘Fuck the rules,’ she thinks, but even in her despair she remembers her manners.

She looks at him desperately, her eyes pleading for empathy. “I should be with him,” she says. “He needs me.”

“Hunt and Altman are with him,” Richard says. “They need to focus on what they’re doing. There’s a reason why we don’t allow family members in the OR, you know that.”

He oozes sympathy towards her. Carina’s body trembles with fear and anger, and she shakes him off, can’t bear his touch, but she doesn’t disobey him.

“D.I.C.?”

She already knows the answer. She knew when she saw the lumps of coagulated blood on the floor of his room. She has seen it before, a complication from childbirth sometimes.

“Yes,” Richard says sombrely. “They had to open him back up, they’re transfusing him now.”

“Is…” she can barely ask the question but she needs to know, "…is he going to make it?”

Richard pauses before he answers and she knows why. “I don’t know,” he answers honestly. 

Carina feels her body convulse and there is a sharp metallic taste in the back of her throat as bile rises up from her stomach. Her hand flies to her mouth and she finds the wall behind her, using it to keep her upright. She fixes her eyes on a black mark on the opposite wall, filling her lungs with air and exhaling slowly, desperate to stop the contents of her stomach from ending up on the floor.

Richard stays by her side. “Let’s get you somewhere quieter,” he says softly.

She nods and lets him lead her away to a private room, blocking out the stares and whispers that follow her as they walk. He calls for Helm and tells her that he is going to check for an update, asks the young woman to stay and sit with her while he is gone.

Taryn is a sweet, kind, smart resident, if a little naïve about the world, and Carina usually has time for her but not today. Her sad face and trembling lips and wide eyes are too much for Carina to bear right now, so she mostly ignores her.

“Car-“ Taryn changes her mind, deciding she doesn’t know her well enough to ignore formalities in the current circumstances. “Doctor DeLuca, is there anything I can get you?”

Carina has only one answer. “Maya.”

She doesn’t know how much time has passed since her last message but she figures Maya must be close to the hospital by now and she is the only person Carina wants with her.

“I can try and call her?”

Carina reaches for her cell phone. Her hands won’t stop shaking and it takes her a moment to open the screen before she passes it to Helm. Taryn stands up and moves to the far corner of the room, as far out of earshot as she can to make the call. Before she has the chance, the door swings open.

“Carina?”

Maya rushes into the room and is by her side in seconds, the takeout container in her hands flung to one side. Her arm is tight around Carina’s back, her breath warm on her neck as she leans in close. “I’m here.”

Carina sits in a stunned silence, her eyes glazing over as she stares at a scuff on the tiled floor.

“We have to stay positive, okay?” Maya says, although her voice wobbles and she doesn’t sound as sure as she did a few hours ago.

Carina shakes her head. Maya didn’t see the room or the blood that was left behind. She doesn’t know what it means to go into D.I.C. or to have your chest ripped open for a second time in a matter of hours.

“He must be so scared,” is all she can think and say.

“What can I do?” Maya asks. “What do you need?”

Carina shakes her head. She doesn’t know what she needs.

Maya understands her silence. She leans forwards and places a kiss on her temple, then leans her forehead against hers. Carina reaches for Maya’s jacket, grasping it tightly, desperate to do something with her hands to stop them from shaking. She squeezes her eyes shut and takes a deep breath, taking in the heady scent of Maya’s perfume, newly sprayed as she had freshened up at the station.

She pleads with God to save her brother, promises to do anything He wants if only He will make sure that Andrew lives.

They stay like this until a quiet knock at the door captures their attention. Carina’s head jerks upwards just as Owen and Teddy walk into the room. She knows without them having to say a word that her prayers have been ignored. They are wearing it all over their faces: their sorrow and grief at the loss.

“Carina…”

“No, don’t,” Carina puts her hands up to stops Owen from speaking. If he doesn’t say it, it isn’t true. 

Owen looks to Teddy for help.

“I’m sorry, Carina,” Teddy says, her voice shaking. “We did everything we could, we tried for forty minutes, but his heart was too badly damaged and…”

“Stop!”

“Carina,” Maya says soothingly, her arm tight around her waist. It is a cold comfort right now and Carina pushes her away.

“No!” She turns back towards Owen and Teddy. “You were supposed to fix him! You’re trauma surgeons, you’ve fixed people in the middle of a war zone! You can’t… you can’t give up! You have to go back in there and save him! Please, you have to save him!”

They stare at her blankly as she yells at them and she slowly realises that she has slipped into Italian. She falls silent and just stares back at them as she tries to comprehend what is happening.

Andrew is dead. Her sweet baby brother is gone forever. She’ll never see his smile, never hear his laugh, never feel his big strong arms around her. It doesn’t feel real and yet she knows it is true because every inch of her body is screaming with pain.

Carina feels as if time has stopped still. The room is shrinking, the walls are closing in on her. It is quiet, the only noise coming from the corridor outside. She feels Maya’s hand slip into hers and a gentle squeeze around her fingers.

The moment is interrupted by a wail that pierces her ears and Carina wants to tell whoever it is to shut up, except she can’t because the sound is coming from her. It is a shrill, animalistic cry like one might hear in the wild, as grief rips her apart. Her whole body is trembling and the room starts to spin, and Carina loses her balance, falling to the ground. Her knees hit the hard floor and pain jolts through her, yet it is nothing in comparison to the way her heart hurts.

“Maya…” she cries out desperately, her arm flailing as it reaches for her girlfriend.

Maya drops down next to her and wraps her arms around her, pulls her close and whispers words of comfort. Carina doesn’t listen to what she is saying, but lets the sound of her voice fill her ears. She leans into Maya’s body and buries her head into her chest, blocking out everything and everyone around her as her tears fall down her cheeks and soak into Maya’s shirt. Her chest feels tight and she struggles to catch her breath.

“Breathe, Carina. Just breathe,” Maya murmurs. “In…” she says as she inhales; “…and out.”

Carina concentrates on Maya’s chest moving up and down and tries to mimic her breath in and out.

“That’s it,” Maya says as Carina’s body starts to calm. “That’s it, in and out.”

When she feels calmer, Carina pulls back. Her face is clammy and her hair sticks to the side of her face, her eyes red and her cheeks pinched. Maya strokes her skin gently and gives her the time she needs to collect her thoughts.

“I want to see him,” Carina says eventually.

Maya looks uncertain, so Carina shifts her gaze over her shoulder to where Teddy is now sat on a chair on one side of the room.

“Please. I need to see him.”

“Carina, he’s not ready. We need to…”

“I know,” she interjects.

She’s a doctor, she knows what she will find in that OR. He’ll be lying on an operating table, tubes and wires still hanging from him. His chest will gape open and blood will stain the sheets, the table and the floor. He won’t look like her brother, not the sweet kind face that she sees in her head when she closes her eyes. He’ll be pale, every last ounce of life drained from him. But she needs to see him, she needs the chance to say goodbye.

He won’t get a proper funeral, not while they are in the middle of a pandemic. He won’t get the flow of visitors paying their respects as he rests, he won’t get the collective prayers, they won’t be able to celebrate his life in the way that he deserves. He’s a hero and his death will be buried amongst the thousands of victims of the virus that continues to plague the world.

Carina stands. She is a little wobbly on her feet and she is grateful for Maya’s steady hand.

“Are you sure?” Maya asks tentatively.

Carina nods resolutely.

Maya reaches out and wipes the mascara that pools under her eyes, her touch tender. Carina closes her eyes for a moment, drawing strength from Maya’s gesture before she looks back at Teddy.

“I’m ready.”

Maya keeps one arm wrapped around Carina’s waist and the other grasps her hands as she guides her down the corridor behind Teddy and Owen. Owen steps inside OR 3 without them and Carina knows that he is doing his best to clean up some of the mess that is bound to have been left behind. Her hands still shake and she holds on to Maya a little tighter, doesn’t want to let go of someone else she loves.

Owen appears in the doorway. Carina knows from the look on his face that he thinks this is a bad idea but she can’t feel any worse than she already does. She turns towards Maya.

“Will you stay with me?”

She knows she is asking a lot, to ask Maya to see her brother’s broken body like this, but the truth is that she doesn’t think she can do it without her.

“Of course I will,” Maya says.

Owen steps to one side and they walk into the operating room. Only Bokhee is there. She is sitting at the top of the table, a bowl of water next to her and a wet cloth in her hands. She wipes the blood and trauma from Andrew’s face, her movements slow and gentle and taken with such care.

Carina thought that the sight of the OR would be traumatic, but she doesn’t take in the chaos of the room. Her eyes focus only on Andrew. She walks up to the table slowly, finally letting go of Maya’s hand as she rests one hand on his shoulder and the other on the top of his head, his dark hair as unruly as it always is.

“Oh, Andrea,” she says as she lowers her head and leaves a kiss on his forehead.

His body is already turning cold, but his skin is soft and damp from where Bokhee has been cleaning his face. She looks over at the nurse.

“Thank you, Bokhee.”

Bokhee nods. “I’ll come back later,” she says, gliding backwards on her stool and standing up. Before she leaves, she pauses and reaches out, placing a hand on Carina’s arm. “I prayed for him.”

Carina’s eyes prick with tears at the act of kindness and she nods her thanks, before turning back to Andrew. She takes in his whole body this time, her eyes sweeping over the thick blue sheets that cover his chest. She knows what they hide. She moves her eyes back to his face. The breathing tube has been removed from his mouth and he almost looks like he is wearing a smile.

Perhaps he is, she thinks. All he had cared about on their way to the hospital was knowing that they had caught Opal and stopped her from harming any more young girls, and she had seen the relief wash over him when he learned that the police had taken her away.

She thinks about the train ride they took together and how she had finally told him the truth about why they had been separated as children. She has never regretted her decision, always believing that it was right that he had been able to grow up without the burden of their father’s illness resting on his shoulders, but she mourns all those lost years that they will never get back – even more now.

She reaches for the stool that Bokhee left behind and sits down beside him, running the back of her hand over his stubbled cheek as she starts to sing quietly.

“Avrai sorrisi sul tuo viso come ad agosto grilli e stelle,

Storie fotografate dentro un album rilegato in pelle,

I tuoni di aerei supersonici che fanno alzar la testa,

E il buio all'alba che si fa d'argento alla finestra.”

She only gets through the first few lines before her throat closes up and the words get stuck.

“I heard you singing that in the aid car, it’s beautiful,” Maya’s voice breaks the silence. “What is it?”

“It’s a song I used to sing him when he was little and couldn’t sleep,” Carina explains. She curls her fingers into his thick hair. She leans into Maya’s body, resting her head under the crook of her arm. “I should have stopped him.”

“Carina, no…”

“I knew that it was messy, I knew that we should have waited for the police, but he was so adamant that he was going to stop her. I didn’t believe him the first time and I wanted him to know that I believed him this time.”

A tear trickles down her face, the guilt overwhelming her.

Maya rolls a stool closer and sits down beside her, hooking her finger under Carina’s chin and encouraging her to look at her for a moment.

“Don’t do this. Don’t blame yourself, it is not your fault,” Maya says vehemently. Carina looks at her with such sadness that Maya feels her heart aching in her chest. “He was going to follow Opal no matter what. And you stayed with him like any good sister would do. You were with him; when it mattered the most you were with him. And when he called your name, you were there.”

Carina’s face crumples and Maya gathers her up in another tight embrace. Carina didn’t think she had any tears left in her but they just keep coming and there is nothing she can do to stop them. She buries her face into Maya’s neck. Her head hurts, her body dehydrated, and she doesn’t think she will ever feel normal again. How can she when her brother is dead?

They are two halves of one whole, and without him she is incomplete. 

“We should get you home,” Maya says, her voice soft and low as she rubs Carina’s back soothingly.

“I can’t leave him,” is Carina’s muffled reply.

“I know,” Maya says sympathetically. “I know, but we can’t stay here forever. You have to say goodbye.”

Carina pulls back and shakes her head, her voice cracking. “I don’t want to leave him on his own.”

There is a beat before a new but familiar voice enters the room. “He won’t be alone.”

Carina looks over her shoulder and blinks away the tears that blur her vision until Bailey comes into view, flanked by Richard and Bokhee. Bailey walks towards her, a gentle hand resting on her back while the other smooths the curls on Andrew’s forehead.

“We’re going to clean him up now,” Bailey says gently.

Carina tips her head and smiles gratefully, a momentary break of the grief that is painted on her face.

“It’s not your job,” she says.

“Well, today it is.”

Bailey’s tone is kind, but firm, and Carina knows that she will not be dissuaded from the unwanted task. She looks back at her brother lying peacefully on the table.

“I don’t know how to do it,” she says.

She is aware of the puzzled faces around her, the shared look of confusion between Maya and Miranda.

“Do what?” Maya asks gently.

“Say goodbye,” Carina says. She looks over to Maya, her hands outstretched between them. “Two halves, one whole.” She holds her palms together, like she had in the chapel earlier that day.

Maya takes her hands and squeezes them gently. “Do you want a moment alone with him?”

Carina nods. As Maya stands, she leans forward and plants a kiss on the top of her head. Carina leans into her for a moment, her body feeling cold once Maya is gone from her side. She spins to face her brother, leaning closer to whisper in his ear.

“I love you and I’m so proud of you,” she says, tears falling from her eyes and dropping on to his cheeks. “I’ll miss you always. Give Mama big kiss from me when you see her, okay?” She chokes back a sob. “I love you, il mio fratellino.”

Carina drops down to kiss his cheek. “Addio.”

She pulls back slowly and stands up. The moment she turns away from him, she feels herself reaching for Maya, falling into her arms and sobbing as the grief spills out of her.

Her heart is broken, shattered into a million pieces, and she doesn’t know how she will ever be able to put it back together. She knows for certain that it will never be whole again, it can’t be.

They are two halves forever separated.

Chapter Text

The room is pitch black, as one would expect at almost four o’clock in the morning. Not even a sliver of light from the outside world makes its way into the bedroom. Carina lies on her back, staring up into the darkness. Her head hasn’t stopped pounding since Owen and Teddy delivered the news of her brother’s death, despite the double dose of Tylenol she took when they got home. It is not just her head that hurts: her shoulders ache from being so tense; her back is sore from sitting around for most of the day – in the car, at the hospital, by his bed; her legs have that weird restless leg syndrome, like she could run for miles even though she is zapped of energy; and there is a tingling in her hands and feet that won’t go away no matter how many times she curls her fists and toes.

She sighs heavily into the silence. Beside her, Maya sleeps peacefully, a soft snore escaping from her every now and again. Carina is envious that she is able to sleep so easily when it evades her.

Andrew has been dead for five hours.

She keeps thinking about how she has to live the rest of her life without him, hundreds of thousands of hours without her baby brother in the world.

It can’t be real, and yet the pain in her heart tells her that it is true.

She waits for another hour to pass before she gives up on sleeping and slides out of the bed, pulling a sweater over her head and padding out into the apartment. She sits on one of the chairs, her feet curled up beneath her, and pulls a blanket over her legs. She turns on the television and flicks through the channels. She has never watched tv at this time of the morning and settles on a home renovation show. Not that she is really watching it; she is too tired to concentrate and her vision keeps blurring as her eyes grow tired from the glare of the screen.

She drifts off for ten, maybe twenty minutes. It is an uncomfortable sleep, her chin resting on her shoulder, and when she wakes her neck hurts from the funny angle. She rubs it gently, but it provides little relief.

She should make a list, she thinks, of all the things that need to be done. Bailey promised that he would stay in the hospital morgue until a funeral home could collect him, sparing him the indignity of being just another body in the make-shift morgue they had to build for their Covid victims. There would be no service, except for her and Maya perhaps, to say goodbye.

He wants to be cremated, she knows that. He hates the fuss of a traditional Catholic funeral, finds them long and tedious and too sad.

“I want to go out with a party, where everyone smiles and laughs because I lived instead of crying because I died,” he said once, not long after they buried Mama.

He wants Pink Floyd’s Wish You Were Here played instead of the usual hymns. Carina thinks she should do a reading of the same poem that she read at Mama’s funeral. She will have to organise for it to be streamed online so that Papa and their family in Italy can watch it, which means making sure she gets the time difference right.

There will be no wake to organise, no memories will be shared. She will mourn alone.

A light at the other end of the hallway captures her attention and she looks up just as Maya emerges, pulling a robe around her body as she walks towards her.

“Hey,” Maya says softly, leaning down and pressing her lips against Carina’s hair before sitting in the empty chair next to her. “Did you manage to sleep at all?”

“A little,” Carina lies, twisting her body towards her. “I was just thinking about all the things I need to do to plan his funeral.”

Her voice shakes, full of disbelief that she even has to say these words out loud.

“I can help you with that,” Maya says. “You don’t have to do it all by yourself.”

Carina musters up a small smile, grateful to have Maya by her side in all this. Maya reaches into her pocket and pulls out Carina’s cell phone, holding it out to her.

“It started buzzing about ten minutes ago,” she says. “I think people have started to hear about Andrew.”

Carina takes it from her and looks down at the sea of familiar names on the screen. Jackson, Jo, Maggie, Link, Schmitt. She doesn’t bother to open them, she knows what they will say.

She still needs to tell Papa but that is a conversation she isn’t ready to have right now.

“Shall I make you some breakfast?” Maya says.

Carina shakes her head. “I’m not hungry,” she says, even though it has been twenty-four hours since her last meal. “I could do with some more Tylenol though.”

She watches as Maya goes into the kitchen to pour her a fresh glass of water and retrieve the packet of pills from the counter. Carina pops two into her mouth and swallows them, then gulps down the rest of the water. She knows her body is dehydrated, which probably isn’t helping her headache.

“How about we curl up on the couch, see if you’ll sleep a bit more?” Maya suggests.

Carina doesn’t have the energy to object. She doesn’t really know what to do with herself anyway, so she nods, letting Maya take her hand and lead her to the couch. Maya plumps the cushions – not that they need it – and brings over a selection of berries and pastries on a plate.

“Just in case your appetite comes back,” she says, and Carina knows it is her way of taking care of her.

Maya stretches out on the sofa and Carina curls up beside her, wedged under Maya’s arm against the back of the couch. Maya pulls a blanket over them, thick and fluffy to keep them warm. The newly plumped cushions are soft and Carina feels herself becoming drowsy. Maya’s hand strokes her hair, the slow rhythm lulling her towards sleep.

It is somewhere between being awake and being asleep that her brain turns off its defence mechanism and her body and mind are hit with pain and loss all over again.

‘Stop,’ she wants to say. ‘Please don’t.’

But there is nothing she can do to stop the wave of grief from crashing over her. She doesn’t get the words out before her body convulses and a sob escapes from deep in her chest, echoing around the apartment. It takes Maya by surprise and she jolts awake from the near slumber she was in.

“Oh Carina,” she says, her voice oozing sympathy.

She tightens her arm around her, her other hand stroking her face, wiping the tears that cascade down her cheeks.

“I know.”

She doesn’t know. She still has her brother. They might be estranged, but he is out there somewhere and she has hundreds of thousands of hours left of her life to get to know him again. Carina doesn’t have that any more.

She cries until her eyes run dry and her chest hurts. Every part of her body is screaming out in pain and she needs it to subside, just for a little while so that she can get some rest but her head betrays her the moment she gets too comfortable.

Maya’s embrace is too warm, too comfortable, too soft, so she extracts herself from under her arm.

“I’m going to shower,” she announces abruptly.

“Okay,” Maya says, sitting up and dropping her feet to the floor so that Carina can shuffle around her.

She leaves her cell phone behind, already annoyed by the constant messages. She knows she should be touched by the outpouring of sympathy but she can’t cope with other people’s grief on top of her own right now.

Once in the shower, she washes yesterday’s trauma from her body, removing every trace of blood and sweat that may have lingered. She dresses in a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt, letting her wet hair hang limply around her shoulders, not caring about her appearance.

When she finally emerges, Maya is at the stove, scrambling eggs in a pan. Two pieces of bread pop from the toaster and she puts the simple meal together, placing it on the table and looking expectantly at Carina, hoping she will eat something.

Carina feels a child-like petulance growing inside of her, unwilling to do what she is told, but she knows that if – no, when – the roles were reversed, she did the same for Maya. She sits obediently at the table and tucks into the food. The toast is dry and the eggs are too salty (or so she tells herself) but she swallows a few mouthfuls to appease her girlfriend.

Maya’s own empty plate sits on the side and she grabs two mugs of coffee, placing them on the table and sitting down beside her.

“Is there anything you want to do today?” she asks.

Carina’s shoulders drop. “I should call my dad, but I… I don’t know what to say.”

“What if we went for a walk?” Maya says. “Get some fresh air, it might help clear your head and help you sleep?”

“Maybe,” Carina says non-committedly.

She doesn’t like the thought of bumping into anyone they know, of someone asking how they are in polite conversation and having to tell them that her brother is dead.

Murdered.

“I really should call the funeral home and make plans,” Carina says, a small frown on her face. “They’re busy and I don’t want him to have to wait.”

Her voice catches in her throat as she talks and she feels the few mouthfuls of eggs she has just eaten threatening to make their way back up. It is stupid, it is not like Andrew is going to know, but she knows and she wants to do right by him in his death, even if she couldn’t do right by him in his life.

Because that is what she keeps thinking. She failed him, she didn’t keep him safe like a big sister should do.

“Okay,” Maya says, reaching into the cupboard behind her and pulling out a notepad and pen. “Let’s make a list.”

Maya jots down all the things that Carina has thought about – the songs to play, the poems to read, and the memories for his eulogy. She writes down the names of all the people who need to be told and their contact details so that a link to the live stream can be shared at the right time. Maya scans her phone for the names of some local funeral homes, Carina picking out the ones she knows are good.

Carina picks up her cell phone to call the one at the top of the list, but her hands are shaking too much and tears prick her eyes. Maya places her hand over hers.

“You don’t have to do this today, it can wait until tomorrow.”

Carina nods dumbly. She knows she won’t be able to get the words out today, it is hard enough to think it let alone say it out loud.

“Maybe a walk would be a good idea,” she concedes.

Before they can make a plan, there is a knock on the door. Maya squeezes her hand, then stands and grabs a face mask from the pile they keep on the console table, hooking it over her ears. She opens the door just a little so that Carina can’t see who it is.

Carina hears the murmur of voices and eventually Maya steps back to let their visitor into the apartment. Amelia steps inside, a bag of junk food from the grocery store in each hand. She walks straight over to the table and drops them unceremoniously on the table.

“I know we’re in the middle of a pandemic and I’m not supposed to hug you, but I took a Covid test and it was negative, so I’m going to anyway,” she says.

Her short stature means she doesn’t have to lean down too far to envelope Carina in a hug. She smells of baby powder and it brings a small smile to Carina’s face. She responds by putting her arms around Amelia, letting her hold on for longer than either of them would normally allow before pulling back.

“I’m gonna go take a shower,” Maya says.

She looks at Carina for assurance that she will be okay with Amelia and Carina gives her a small nod. Amelia starts to empty the grocery bags on to the table, while Carina gathers up the two mugs.

“I’ll make a fresh pot,” she says. “Maya… I love her, but she still hasn’t learned how to make a decent coffee.”

With two steaming hot mugs in front of them, Carina surveys the mountains of sugar-filled treats the cover her table, her eyebrows arching.

“Whenever bad things have happened in my life, I usually go for the stronger stuff,” Amelia says. “But it never ended well and I don’t want that to happen to you.”

She pushes a box of Twinkies towards Carina and leans back in her chair.

“It sucks, losing a brother,” she says. Her eyes glaze over as she thinks about Derek. “They’re supposed to always be there, to be our partners in crime until we get old. And when they’re gone, there’s a loneliness to that which doesn’t come when you lose a parent or a grandparent.”

Carina is reminded of all the loss that Amelia has suffered in her own life. There is an odd sense of camaraderie in knowing that she is not the only one to have lost a sibling so suddenly, so tragically, even though she wouldn’t wish this on anyone else – friend or foe.

Amelia takes the box of Reese’s peanut butter cups and tears open a packet, taking one and offering the other to Carina.

“Derek hated peanut butter,” she says, looking at the confectionary in her hand and taking a bite. “He hated the way it stuck to the roof of your mouth. But he was always that kid that would say yes to a peanut butter and jelly sandwich if it was offered to him, because he didn’t want to be rude.”

She rolls her eyes at Carina, who smiles as she takes a bite into her own cup. It is not the kind of thing she usually eats, even though Maya always has a box in the cupboard. It is sticky and sweet.

“I remember when Andrea came to America with Mama, the first thing he sent to me was a packet of these,” Carina remembers fondly. “He said they were the best thing he’d ever tasted – which of course upset the family, because they pride themselves in making the best cannoli in Sicily.”

Amelia chuckles.

“The first time I came to visit them, he snuck a box into my room before dinner and we ate them all. Mama didn’t understand why we weren’t hungry when she took us out for pizza a couple of hours later.”

She feels tears welling up in the corners of her eyes and blinks them back.

“Scusa.”

Amelia waves her apology away. “Don’t be sorry about being sad,” she says. “You’re allowed to be sad for as long as you want. There’s no timeline on this.” She grows wistful. “I miss him even more now that Scout is here. That kid is so much like Link, but sometimes when he cries, he screws up his nose and he looks just like Derek.”

Carina lets the tears fall down her cheeks. “I feel…” She shakes her head. “I don’t even know how I feel, just numb.”

“That’s normal,” Amelia says. “It’s normal to be sad and upset, it’s normal to be smile and laugh at the memories, it’s normal to rage about all the things he’ll miss. Because there is no normal, not really.”

She leans forward and grasps Carina’s hand in hers.

“There is a light at the end of this very dark tunnel,” she says. “You just can’t see it yet. And it might be a while before you do. But it’s there, I promise.”

Carina nods. “Thank you, Amelia.”

“Well, you’ve done enough for me,” Amelia reminds her with a smile. “I just wish this wasn’t the reason for me returning the favour.”

“Me too.”

Amelia’s visit does her some good. She stays for an hour and they talk and cry and laugh, and it helps to forget about the shock of the last twenty-four hours for a while. It is still there, the grief, bubbling under the surface. It doesn’t go far, but she makes the most of the respite while she can.

She skips lunch, blaming the sweets and chocolate that Amelia brought round, and they go for a walk around the park in the afternoon. Carina doesn’t say much, too caught up in all the thoughts in her head. Still, Maya was right, the fresh air does her some good and she sleeps for an hour on the sofa when she gets home before the bad dreams come.  

As she comes to, she hears Maya on the phone.

“A week at least. I spoke to the Chief, we agreed that, with Covid protocols, it wasn’t a good idea to bring someone else into the bubble. Will you cover for me while I’m off?”

Carina frowns. Maya wasn’t going to work this week?

She sits up and lifts her hands above her head, stretching her aching limbs. The movement catches Maya’s attention and she looks over her shoulder.

“I gotta go, Andy,” she says. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

She ends the call quickly and grabs a glass of water, walking over to the couch and giving it to Carina, who gladly accepts it and takes a large gulp. Maya perches on the table in front of her.

“You’re not going to work tomorrow?”

Maya shakes her head, no. “The Chief’s letting me taking a week’s bereavement leave,” Maya says.

“You don’t have to do that…” Carina starts to say, but Maya is quick to cut her off.

“Yes, I do,” Maya says. “I’m not going anywhere.”

It is the same promise she made yesterday and she hasn’t broken it yet, always there when Carina needs her.

“Thank you,” Carina says quietly.

Maya offers her a small smile. “I still have take-out from yesterday, do you think you could eat some?”

The thought of food is not appealing and Carina’s stomach feels twisted into knots, but it is practically empty and she knows she should eat something.

“Sure,” she says.

She manages half a plate, which is more than either of them expected, followed by two more Tylenol and an early night at Maya’s insistence, hoping that sleep will come easier tonight.

It doesn’t. Maybe it is because, this time, it is Carina evading sleep instead of sleep evading her. The wave of emotions that hit when she gets too comfortable, too soft, is overwhelming. She wants to sleep but doesn’t know how or where, so she stares into the darkness again, her only company her memories of their childhood in Italy.

Her limbs become restless in the early hours. She doesn’t know what time it is, but the urge to get out of bed and move is too big to ignore. She slips out from under the covers, careful not to wake Maya, and creeps into the apartment. She doesn’t bother with the television this time, but instead tunes the radio to some generic station that plays pop music she doesn’t usually listen to. The lyrics are about falling in love and breaking up; some are about unrequited love, some are about lost loves. None are about dead brothers and she is grateful about that.

The couch is too soft, so she lies on the floor of the hallway, wishing for sleep that never comes. It is where Maya finds her a little while later.

“I’m just trying to sleep,” Carina says before Maya can ask her what she is doing.

After a beat, Maya lies on the floor, her head next to Carina’s with her feet pointing in the opposite direction.

“What are you doing?”

“Trying to sleep too,” Maya says plainly.

Carina sighs. “You should go back to bed.”

Maya doesn’t speak, but her hand scrambles around in the dark until it finds Carina’s. She links their fingers together, giving them a gentle squeeze.

They stay there for an hour, maybe two – Carina has stopped counting time by now – until she drags Maya back to bed. Even if she can’t sleep, Maya should.

Maya tries to fight sleep, to stay awake until Carina sleeps too, but she falls into a slumber around six o’clock. Carina drifts off too, for twenty minutes or so and only a light sleep. Still, it is better than nothing.

They have another slow day at home. Carina avoids calling her dad, but does call her Zia Alice to tell her. It is a hard phone call to make and she doesn’t know how she gets through it, but Maya stays by her side, holding her hand, as she tells her about what happened. It is another loss in their family and she wonders if they should be hardened to it by now, but Alice wails down the phone at her and it takes all of her strength to keep it together. At least Alice agrees not to tell Papa, not yet, not until Carina has spoken to him.

She feels drained afterwards and pushes the notebook away when Maya asks if she wants to call the funeral home. She knows she should, but there is finality to his death that comes with making those kinds of plans that she isn’t ready to face just yet.

Her cell phone is still alight with messages of love and sympathy. She hasn’t read them yet. At one point, she threatens to delete them, but Maya persuades her to keep them.

“You’ll want to read them one day,” she says. “To know how much people loved him.”

She is right, of course. Instead, she leaves her phone behind when they go for another walk, taking the same route around the park as yesterday. The sun shines and it feels weird, wrong almost, that it should be so warm and sunny when everything about her life feels so bleak. She hides her eyes behind her sunglasses so that no-one can see the dark circles and red rims that give away her trauma.

“When we were little, our grandparents used to take us to the park near their house. It had this swing with a big round seat… I don’t know what they’re called,” Carina says. “It was big enough for both us and we would sit on it side-by-side with our arms linked together in case one of us started to slip.”

She smiles sadly at the memory.

“I can still hear Andrea’s squeals of joy as Nonno would push us. Nonna used to scold him, tell him that he was pushing us too high, but we loved it. It was the first thing that Andrea would beg to do whenever we visited.”

She stops walking suddenly. Her chest rumbles and she chokes back her tears, not wanting to fall apart in public.

“I just… I can’t believe I’m not going to hear him laugh any more. He had such a beautiful laugh, like Mama’s.”

Maya slips her hand around her waist and steps closer.

“You want to take the short cut home?”

Carina shakes her head. “No. I’m okay. I just need a minute.”

“Take as many minutes as you want,” Maya says.

Carina dips her head and rests it on Maya’s shoulder, taking a deep breath to steady herself and recognising a familiar scent. Her lips twitch, threatening to smile.

“You’ve been using my shampoo again?”

“Why else do you think I asked you to move in with me?” Maya teases.

The smile breaks through, lighting up her face briefly.

They finish their loop of the park and head home. Carina feels drained again and lets Maya cover her in blankets on the couch. She sleeps for a little over an hour this time, woken up by shrill ringing of her cell phone. She jolts awake, blinking a few times as her blurred vision clears, and looks towards the source of the noise.

Her cell phone stops ringing just as she reaches for it. Next to it is a note from Maya, letting her know that she has just popped to the shops for some fresh ingredients for dinner. Her cell phone starts to ring again and she looks down, a surprise name staring back at her.

“Arizona, ciao,” she says when she answers.

She rubs her eyes. Her voice is still a little sluggish from her nap and Arizona picks up on it.

“Sorry, did I wake you?”

“It’s okay,” Carina says dismissively. She doesn’t know what to say next, she knows why Arizona is calling and she falls silent, waiting for Arizona to offer her condolences.

“I heard about Andrew. I’m so sorry, Carina,” Arizona says.

“Thank you,” Carina says.

“He meant a lot to me, I hope you know that,” Arizona continues. “I hope he knew that too. He helped me so much when he moved in. I was so lost after Callie and Sofia left and he stopped me from wallowing, just by being there, by making dinner and watching trashy television with me.”

Carina smiles. “He always had a soft spot for The Bachelorette. He made me promise not to tell anyone.”

Arizona chuckles. “He was a special one. To me and so many.”

“I know,” Carina says softly.

“You know, when my brother died, my heart was broken into pieces. Timothy was my ally in so many ways and I didn’t know how I was gonna live the rest of my life without him as my cheerleader,” Arizona says. “I know you know how that feels.”

Her words make Carina’s heart ache, her eyes filling with tears.

“And it never goes away, not completely. When Sofia was born, when I got married, the plane crash, my divorce – I missed him so much. I mean, I always miss him but there are moments still when he’s the first person I want to call and I hate that I can’t.”

The tears fall down Carina’s cheeks and she can’t stop them.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t call to make you feel worse,” Arizona apologises.

“I don’t think that’s possible right now,” Carina says through her sniffles.

“Yeah, I know that feeling,” Arizona says. “I guess my point is, don’t be afraid of those feelings. They’ll hurt, some days more than others, and sometimes it will feel unbearable, like you’re right back here in the worst of your grief. Don’t be afraid to feel it, Carina, because pushing it away will only make it come bouncing back harder.”

Carina wipes the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand.

“Thank you, Arizona,” she says. She takes a deep, shaky breath to regain her composure. “How is New York, are you happy?”

“I am,” Arizona says. “Sofia loves being back here, and…”

She trails off, leaving an awkward silence between them.

“And Callie?” Carina prompts.

She already knows that Arizona and Callie are back together, happier than ever according to Jo, who heard it from Alex – before his sudden disappearance.

“We’re good,” Arizona says. “And you? Do you have… someone?”

Carina smiles when she thinks about Maya. “I do,” she says. “She’s a firefighter – the captain, in fact.”

“And she’s taking care of you?”

There is a protectiveness to her voice that Carina can’t help but find endearing.

“She is, very much,” Carina says. She hasn’t stopped taking care of her since the aid car rolled up outside the hospital.

“Good, I’m glad,” Arizona says.

From her end of the phone, Carina hears the familiar beeping of a pager.

“Shoot, I have to go,” Arizona says. “Look, I know you have people in your life who will take care of you. But if you ever wanna talk, I’ll listen.”

It is a sweet gesture, even if Carina knows she will never take her up on it. They haven’t spoken since Arizona left for New York and they probably never would have if it hadn’t been for this tragedy. It would be an odd friendship, built on her brother’s death, and Carina doesn’t want that.

“Thank you, Arizona.”

She hits the red button to end the call and keeps her cell phone in her hand, pulling up the messages that have been flooding in over the last two days. There are forty, maybe fifty messages from her friends and colleagues – some numbers she recognises and some she doesn’t – all offering words of sympathy and support. She reads them one by one, each message making the tears fall harder and faster. He was so loved and cherished by so many. It makes her happy and sad all at once, and it is too much for her.  

Maya finds her curled up in a ball on the couch, her face buried in her knees as she sobs uncontrollably. She drops the groceries on the floor and rushes to her side, scooping her up in a hug, her arms strong around her.

“He’s gone,” Carina murmurs through her tears. “He’s really gone.”

She feels Maya’s hold tighten.

“I’m here, I’ve got you,” Maya soothes in her ear, letting her tears soak into her shirt.

Carina wonders how long it will take before she cries all of her tears. She is a doctor, a scientist, she knows that she will never run out of tears – that’s not the way a body works. But there has to be a point when the tears don’t come. With Mama, it was many weeks later before she had got through a day without crying – which only made the tears come back when she realised it, because she felt so guilty at not remembering to be sad.

“Did the bad dreams come back?” Maya asks.

Carina shakes her head. “No, I was reading the messages on my phone. Everyone was being so lovely.”

“People being nice made you cry?” Maya says.

Carina smiles ruefully. “It feels like everything makes me cry at the moment.”

Maya tucks Carina’s hair behind her ears. Carina leans into her touch, closing her eyes and pressing her cheek into the palm of her hand, taking comfort from her warm skin.

“You wanna help me make dinner? It might help to have something else to focus on for a while,” Maya suggests.

“That sounds like a good idea,” Carina says.

Maya doesn’t force her to make conversation as they prep the food and it is a welcome relief to have nothing to think about except chopping vegetables. She pours them both a large glass of Chardonnay as Maya stands in front of the stove making dinner. Her shoulders feel so tight that it feels like someone is pressing all of their body weight on top of her and she hopes that the wine will help her relax. Despite being one of her favourite bottles, it tastes acidic and burns her tongue, as if her taste buds are betraying her.

She helps herself to a small amount of the risotto that Maya has made and it tastes good, but sits heavy in her stomach. Still, she clears her plate and she knows that it makes Maya happy to see her eating.

“Is there anything you wanna do tonight?” Maya asks. “A movie, perhaps?”

“Sure,” Carina says. She doesn’t really care, but at least a movie will fill the silent apartment.

Maya insists that they watch it on her laptop in bed, hoping that if Carina finally succumbs to sleep then at least she will be somewhere comfortable. She chooses something light, a romantic comedy set in London, and Carina distracts them from the happy ending by telling her about her travels there just after medical school.

The glare of the screen was probably a bad idea because, despite the exhaustion she feels, she still can’t sleep. She tries the kitchen floor that night, the oak flooring harder and more uncomfortable than the soft rug in the hallway. It is where Maya finds her in the morning, staring up at the pots and pans that hang above the small island. She doesn’t say anything about it, just accepts it, like it is becoming the new normal, leaving Carina to wonder if she will ever sleep properly again.

The numbness is starting to fade and she is overwhelmed by the guilt she carries instead. She should have stopped him from getting on that train, she should have insisted they wait for the police. She should have stayed with him as he made his way through the train station, she should have got to him sooner. She should have been able to save him, instead of freezing and panicking when she saw the stab wound. All these things she should have done, but didn’t, and because of that her sweet baby brother is dead.

The guilt makes her angry. The sound of Maya’s footsteps, echoing between her ears, irritates her. The pounding from her treadmill as she exercises reverberates through the apartment and she wants to tell her to go out for a run if she wants, but she doesn’t because she selfishly needs Maya near her right now.

She moves before Maya turns on her blender to make her morning smoothie, knowing the loud whirring will aggravate her even more and she doesn’t want to snap at Maya, when she has been so lovely these last couple of days.

“I’m going to shower,” she announces, hauling herself up to standing.

“Do you want me to make you break…”

Carina doesn’t hang around to answer her question. She heads into the bedroom and closes the door behind her, exhaling deep and long. She is so exhausted, she doesn’t know what to do with herself, like a child who refuses to nap and is on the verge of a meltdown.

The tiles of the shower are cold and strangely inviting, and she sits down in the corner, resting her head on one wall and closing her eyes. It’s too uncomfortable though and doesn’t help her sleep any easier.

Maya comes looking for her when she doesn’t hear the water running.

“Hey,” she says softly, leaning against the door frame.

Carina doesn’t lift her eyes, knowing that Maya will be looking at her with love and empathy. “I know this looks crazy.”

“Not any crazier than finding you lying in the hallway at three a.m.,” Maya says.

“I can't get comfortable anywhere.”

Maya wanders into the bathroom and leans against the shower door. “You want to give the bed or the couch another shot?”

“Too soft.”

She can feel Maya looking at her, bemused. She lifts her head off the wall and glances up at her.  

“When something is too soft and nice and comfortable right now, it makes me want to cry,” she explains, “and I can't cry anymore because it's exhausting and it gives me a headache; and I'm already so tired, but I can't fall asleep, and sleeping is the only thing that will turn off the crazy guilt screaming in my brain.” She sighs. “So, I'm in the shower to try to fall asleep.”

“Carina…” Maya scolds her lightly as she crouches down near her. “None of this is your fault.”

The voices in her head tell her otherwise. There were so many things she did wrong that day, that she knows will haunt her for the rest of her life.

“You want to scream?” Maya asks. “Would that make you feel better?”

Carina read an article once about how screaming releases the tension you carry in your body and that the endorphins that follow will mask any pain you are feeling. She would do anything right now for the pain to go away.

She nods.

“Okay, then scream.”

She leans back, but she is too tired and can’t summon the energy to do it.

“Your brother died, Carina,” Maya says. “You’re allowed to wake up the neighbours.”

She doesn’t care about the neighbours. She would wake the whole apartment block with her cries if she could.

“He didn't die,” Carina reminds her. “He was murdered.”

The words make her feel nauseous and she swallows the thick bile that rises to the back of her throat.

“Scream,” Maya encourages her.  

She tries, hitting her head against the solid tiles behind her a few times to garner the energy, but her throat is dry and her chest aches from all the sobbing, and she just can’t do it. All she can do is cry – again.

Maya comes into the shower and sits beside her, wrapping her arms around her. Carina indulges her for a moment, letting the comfort wash over her, until she feels the familiar throbbing in her chest.

“Too soft, too soft,” she says, rejecting Maya’s help and training her eyes on the wall in front of her.

“Okay, I’m sorry,” Maya says.

She walks away and Carina knows it is because she doesn’t want to make her feel worse. If only she understood that she is the only thing making her feel better right now. Carina closes her eyes and leans back against the wall behind her. It is cold and hard, just like she feels inside, but still sleep doesn’t come easily. She can hear Maya moving around in the kitchen and gets up slowly, her back sore from too much time on the hard floors of their apartment. She wanders out into the kitchen where Maya is making eggs again.

“Thank you,” she says quietly. It doesn’t feel like enough, but it is all she has to give right now.

Maya pauses on the way to deliver her breakfast to the table, leaving a soft kiss on her cheek.

“It’s okay to not be okay,” she says kindly.

It has only been three days, after all. Carina sits at the table and pushes the eggs around the plate, her stomach churning at their smell. She takes a bite of dry toast. She thought she was getting her appetite back a little yesterday, but today her stomach is twisted into knots and the food doesn’t settle well. She notices the notebook on the shelf, the one that lists all the things she hasn’t done to give her brother a funeral. It serves as another reminder of how she is failing him.

“I’m gonna go change the bed, maybe some fresh sheets will help,” Maya says. She is running out of ideas of how to help. “You okay here?”

Carina nods absentmindedly, her eyes moving away from the notebook but not meeting Maya’s. Her phone chimes and she pulls it out of her pocket. It is a message from her cousin, offering his condolences. It beeps a few more times as a series of photos come through and she opens them, curious, only to have her breath taken away by the image of her brother’s smiling face looking up at her. They are photos from the last time they were all together as a family, her cousin’s wedding four years ago. There are candid photos of Andrew chatting to family and dancing with friends, his eyes bright and his smile wide across his face. There are photos of her Nonna and uncles she will never see again, and they bring tears to her eyes. The last one is a photo of the three of them – Papa, Andrew and her – laughing during the after-dinner speeches.

Her heart drops.

She still hasn’t told Papa. She doesn’t know how she is going to tell him, how to even begin to explain what happened and how his child ended up dead.

He was away at a conference when Mama died. He got home a few days later and Carina went to his house to tell him. She thought he had taken it okay, he was upset but they had been divorced for ten years by then. Except it had triggered an episode and the next day the police had turned up on her doorstep with him in tow, incoherent and manic. He had passed the alcohol test, so they didn’t want him taking up space in a station cell, and he had been able to tell them where his daughter lived.

What if that happens when she tells him about Andrew? What if, this time, the police don’t pull him over and he gets into an accident? What if he hurts himself or someone else? She can’t have that on her conscience as well.

Panic flares up inside of her and she rushes to the spare room, pulling out a suitcase and heading into the bedroom, where Maya is in the middle of changing the bed sheets.

“I have to go to Italy,” Carina announces, flinging the suitcase onto the half-made bed.

Maya looks up at her, confusion across her face. “What?”

“I have to tell my dad and I think the best way to do it is in person,” Carina says.

She walks towards the dresser to pull out some clothes, not paying attention to what she is choosing.

“Carina, take a breath. Let’s talk this through,” Maya says calmly, but Carina isn’t really listening.

“…because I don’t know how he’s gonna react to the news and I just need to be there in case he goes crazy or something.”

All she can see in her head is the image of her dad, hanging limply in the arms of two police officers. She drops the clothes haphazardly into the case, then goes to find more.

“Okay, there are no flights to Italy right now,” Maya points out. “The border is closed there and here. And even if you could get there, we're in a pandemic, remember?”

Carina stares at her as she starts to make sense of what Maya is saying. But if she doesn’t go to Italy, how is she going to escape all that haunts her?

“Okay, yeah, I have... ahhh! Okay, I feel like there's so much that I have to do, and I don't even know how.”

It overwhelms her and she marches out into the hallway, with Maya close behind her.

“Okay, what do you want? What do you need? What can I do?”

“I have to organize the funeral, I have to contact his landlord,” Carina says as she paces up and down the hallway, unable to keep still. “I have to call the bank to sort out all the details and paperwork. I have…” She sighs. “I have to tell my dad. But what I want to do right now is scream. I want to scream until my throat hurts more than my head and my stomach and my chest. I just want to scream so that some of this pressure goes away.”

“So scream,” Maya says. “Do it, let it out.”

“I can't,” Carina cries. She has tried so many times and every time she fails, and she doesn’t need to feel like any more of a failure.

She knows that Maya is trying to help her but everything feels too hard and she craves the solitude of their bathroom, brushing past Maya and making her way back into the shower.

“I can't, I can't, I can't,” she mutters.

She sits on the cool tiles, her brain buzzing and her heart thumping in her chest. She tries to control her breathing, a long inhale and a slow exhale.

‘Five things you can see,’ she thinks to herself.

The tiles, the bottle of shampoo, the crumpled towel on the floor, the mirror, the trash can.

Four things you can touch.

She goes through the steps, the calming technique helping reduce her stress and anxiety. She drops her head to one side, resting against the wall and closing her eyes, willing herself to sleep. She just wants to sleep but the floor of a shower isn’t exactly conducive to it.

That is the point, being somewhere uncomfortable to stop the warmth and cosiness of her bed from lulling her back into her grief. She tries to sleep for an hour, eventually giving up.

When she wanders back into the apartment, Maya is in the kitchen again, making a sandwich.

“Did you sleep?” she asks.

“No, but I tried in the shower, like a lunatic,” Carina says, sitting down.

“Well, I got everything sorted out with the funeral home,” Maya says, as she delivers the sandwich to her seat at the table.

It takes Carina by surprise. “You called them?”

“I called everyone,” Maya says. “I did the whole list. I did all the things.”

She says it so simply, like it’s not a big deal but it is. Carina feels her heart flip, in a good way for the first time in days. Because as strong as she wishes she was, this loss more than any other has shaken her foundations and when she wonders how she is still standing, she always comes back to the same answer.

Maya.

And every time Carina thinks she is as much in love as she will ever be, Maya does something else that takes her breath away.

“Thank you,” she says, fighting back her tears. “No-one has ever done that for me.”

She sees a small frown crinkle Maya’s forehead.

“Any chance you could call my dad for me too?”

She knows it is cruel not to have told him yet. She tries to tell herself that it is because she is worried about him, and that’s not a lie, but she knows the real reason why she hasn’t done it yet. She’s afraid of what he will say, she’s afraid that he will blame her as much as she blames herself.

She watches as Maya walks over to her, grabbing a spare stool and sitting beside her, leaning her arms on the table.

“I wish I could,” she says.

Carina wishes that too.

“That's one you got to do on your own.”

“I know,” Carina says. “I'm so scared to tell him.”

Saying it out loud doesn’t lighten the burden at all.

“I know,” Maya says softly.

The smell of the sandwich makes Carina’s stomach turn. Or maybe it is the thought of telling her dad that makes her feel sick.  

“I'm gonna try again,” she says, standing up from her seat.

“To sleep?”

“To scream.”

She walks into the bedroom. She doesn’t bother with the shower floor this time, instead she sits on the edge of the bed and grabs a pillow. She holds her body tight and takes a deep breath, opening opens her mouth and pressing her face against the soft pillow.

All that escapes is a pathetic whimper.

Her pent-up grief and sadness and frustration sits heavy on her chest but she doesn’t have the energy to expel it.

She can’t sleep, she can’t scream, she can’t find the courage to call her dad.

She puffs out her cheeks and exhales, running her hand through her hair and noticing how greasy and full of knots it is. She stands up, the exhaustion making her a little dizzy, and she reaches out to rest her hands on the bedside table to steady herself until her head stops spinning.

She strips herself of her clothes, dropping them on the floor, not caring for once about the wrinkles it will cause. She steps into the shower and ducks under the running hot water, washing away some of the tension in her limbs. She rolls her head in her neck, immersing her face in the water, letting it cleanse her skin of the tear stains on her cheeks.

She thinks about that morning when she bumped into Andrew in the parking lot, how he had given her that typical DeLuca stubborn glare when he told her about Opal and his plan to follow her. She kept telling herself that she couldn’t stop him, that he was too wilful, but maybe that was just an excuse because she was too afraid to upset him, to make him feel unsupported just like before.

She forgets about all the times she told him to wait for the police and all the times he pushed on anyway. All she remembers is driving him around the city, chasing a woman they knew could be dangerous and leading him to his death.

She doesn’t know what is worse, the grief or the guilt. It is like they are conspiring against her, battling to see which one can weigh her down more.

She turns the shower up to its hottest setting, letting the water burn her skin until it is bright red as a way of distracting herself from the thoughts in her head. She stays in the shower for as long as her body will tolerate, then steps out in the cool air of the apartment. Her skin prickles with goosebumps, her fine hairs standing on end, and pulls a towel around her to stay warm.

Once she is dry, she covers herself with moisturiser to soothe her dry skin. The massaging motion helps her to relax a little. She dries her hair and dresses, pulling on a pair of jeans and comfortable sweater, before heading out into the apartment.

Maya is at the far end of the apartment doing push ups in the living room. Apart from a couple of gentle walks, she hasn’t been able to indulge in her normal exercise routine lately and Carina knows that she is probably feeling claustrophobic being stuck indoors all day.

She hears Carina coming and looks up, stopping her workout and rising to her feet.

“You showered.”

“Mmm. I was already there and I couldn't sleep, so, um...” She sits on the edge of the couch. “I didn't want to call you when I was in the car with Andrea because I knew you would talk me out of it and tell me to make my brother stop. Tell me that it was dangerous. And you did…”

She takes a shaky breath.

“And you were right. And I still think…” She can feel herself getting worked up, becoming breathless as she talks. “I feel like this is… Why? Why didn't I stop him?”

She stands up, feeling boxed in as Maya walks towards her and she backs away from her. “This is… this is all my fault. This is… I…” She struggles to find the right words until they spill out of her mouth. “My brother is dead because I'm an idiot.”

“Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Listen to me,” Maya says sternly. “None of this is your fault.”

“Whose fault is it then? Who am I supposed to blame?”

She needs to blame someone, to be the focus of her anger – and she convinces herself that she deserves it.                                                                

“Blame me!” Maya says out of nowhere. “We have to get some of this off of you. I will take it. Blame me. I should have gotten to you sooner, I should have been there. Blame me.”

It is the most ridiculous thing Carina has ever heard.

“Maya, this is not your fault,” she says, walking past her.

“Then why is it yours?”

Carina spins to face her. “Because I let him on that train! I did that.”

What can’t Maya see that?

Maya grabs her arms and guides her to sit on the couch. “Give me the guilt, okay? Give me the blame. Give me the part that stings the most. Okay, let me hold on to it for a little while.” She looks up at Carina with her bright blue eyes. “And when you're feeling a little stronger, you can have it all back, I promise.”

Carina can’t see it for the beautiful gesture that it is. It is too soft and the grief threatens to consume her once again. Her body turns rigid and she trains her eyes on the fireplace in front of her, refusing to look at Maya.

“Too soft, I’m sorry,” Maya says, standing up and walking back into the kitchen.

Carina focuses on her breath, in and out, in and out, willing herself not to cry. She hears Maya clearing away the sandwich she didn’t eat at lunch time and focuses on the clanging of plates and cutlery as she fills the dishwasher.

She can feel herself pushing Maya away. Too nice, too kind, too soft.

She doesn’t want to, she wants to cling to Maya so hard because she is the only thing that is keeping her hanging on right now.

She gets up from her seat and wanders over to the kitchen, her shoes light on the floor. She sidles up behind her, resting her hands on Maya’s hips and her chin on her shoulder.

“I’m sorry.”

Maya twists her head a little, glancing over her shoulder.

“Maybe you should let yourself feel soft for a while?”

“I can’t,” Carina says. “It hurts too much and I can’t figure out how to get it all out. So it’s better to not feel anything at all.”

Maya spins, staying in her embrace, and rests her hands at the top of her arms.

“You wanna go for another walk?”

Carina shakes her head.

“I need to call Papa,” she says slowly. “I don’t want to, I’m still scared about what he’s going to say. But it’s not fair that he doesn’t know.”

She knows it is not helping, having it hanging over her head. At least it will be one thing ticked off the list.

Maya nods. “You want some space?”

“No,” Carina is quick to say. “I… Can you stay close?”

Her voice is flooded with vulnerability and she blinks back tears.

“Of course,” Maya says. “Whatever you need.”

Carina takes a deep breath and pulls her cell phone out of her pocket, scrolling through her contact list. Her finger hovers over Papa’s name and her leg jiggles nervously.

“You can do this,” Maya says softly.

Standing still feels unnatural so she walks through the apartment, pacing up and down near the couch as she finally hits the call button and raises the phone to her ear, listening to it ring. It is almost eleven o’clock in the evening in Italy but she knows he never goes to bed early.

“Carina,” he answers his phone with her name, his voice flat. Not cold, but not warm either.

“Papa, ciao,” Carina says, but before she can get the words out, he launches into story about his current research project and the success he is seeing in his experiments. He sounds a little manic, which makes her heart drop, but she perseveres, trying to interrupt him. He talks over her, like he does so often, and it takes a while for her to get the words out.

“Papa, Andrea è morto.”

Her voice cracks when she says it. The line falls silent for a moment before he says something that hits her like a punch in the gut.

“I know, Carina. Someone at the hospital called me a couple of days ago, I guess my name is on his emergency contacts list.”

Carina is stunned. He already knew?

She waits for him to ask her about what happened, to know what it was like for Andrew in his last moments on this earth. She wants him to ask her if she is okay, to tell her that he loves her. He rarely says it, not since she was a little girl, and these days it comes with an emotional manipulation. Still, it is all she needs to hear right now.

What she gets is a kick in the gut.

“Look, I have to go, I’m in the middle of writing an article and I don’t want to lose my train of thought.”

“Okay, okay,” Carina says despondently.

“Just tell me how much the funeral costs and I’ll pay it.”

Like that is all she needs from him.

“Si, ciao.”

She hangs up, still in shock, and turns to look at Maya.

“He heard.”

“What?”

“He heard that Andrea died two days ago and he didn't call me.”

She turns away from Maya, feeling the anger growing inside of her. She has been living in her grief for the last three days when it could have been shared with her father. She has spent hours worrying about how to tell him, what to tell him, and how he might react – all for nothing, because he already knew and he didn’t bother to call her to make sure she was okay.

The rational part of her brain knows that his Bipolar is affecting the way he reacts to his grief, but Carina isn’t feeling very rational right now. She feels angry and frustrated, like she wants to break something, like she wants to scream.

She opens her mouth and tries again but still nothing comes out. Instead, she thumps her fist against the wall, and again, and again.

“Hey, hey!” Maya says, coming up beside her and grabbing her wrist to stop her from hurting herself.

Carina struggles against her but Maya is stronger. Her other hand slips around Carina’s waist.

“He left me to grieve alone,” Carina cries.

“You’re not alone,” Maya reminds her. “I’m here.”

Carina sighs, her body deflating. “That… That’s not…” she struggles to find her words. “I know.”

She doesn’t know how she would have got through the last few days without Maya’s constant presence. But Maya didn’t know Andrew, not like Papa and her family, and she needs someone who can share that grief with her.

“I just don’t know how to make it go away.”

“What?” Maya asks.

“All of it. The pain, the guilt. It’s too much in my head, in my heart.”

She taps her chest with her hand as tears run down her face and she wipes them away with the sleeve of her sweater. Her body sags and she leans into Maya’s body.

“I’m so tired.”

“I know you are,” Maya says softly, kissing her temple. “Why don’t we go out? Being cooped up in here probably isn’t helping.”

Carina starts to shake her head. All she wants is to cocoon herself away from the outside world.

“Please? I have an idea that might help.”

Carina can hear the concern in her voice and relents. She will try anything that might help her sleep.  So she nods, slowly, as Maya grabs her car keys and insists on driving them somewhere else.

Carina sits in the passenger seat, staring out of the window and watching the world go about its daily business. She doesn’t pay attention to where they are going, her focus on the people living their lives like normal. She doesn’t know what normal looks like any more, because a world without her little brother – the other half to her whole – isn’t normal.

They haven’t gone far when Maya pulls into an empty space outside of the fire station.

“What are we doing here?”

“You’ll see,” is all Maya says.

Leaving Carina confused, Maya gets out of the car first and walks round to the passenger side, opening the door and holding out her hand. Carina is too tired to object, so she takes it and lets Maya lead her into the station, pulling on a mask as she walks. It is quiet; the reception desk is empty, so is the captain’s office; the ladder truck and aid car both out on a call.

Maya leads her into the barn and around the back of the engine.

“What? What are we doing?” Carina asks wearily.

Maya doesn’t answer as she opens the door and climbs into the driver’s seat. Carina’s eyes roll.

“Okay, Maya, I'm not a child,” she grumbles, removing her mask. “I don't need a fire truck ride to feel…”

Better, is what she is about to say when, all of a sudden, the siren wails. Carina has never heard it up close before and it pierces her ears, making her wince.

“Maya!” she cries out, covering her ears with her hands to shield her from the noise.

“Scream” Maya says.

“What?”

“Scream!” she repeats.

Carina looks at her dumbly. “I can’t.”

She has been trying for days but it never comes.

“Do it!”

“No, I can't,” Carina says. She is holding back, she knows that. Keeping the grief inside, wallowing in the guilt, it is like a punishment. The moment she lets it all out is the moment she will have to accept what happened and start to forgive herself.

Suddenly, Maya lets out a loud, long scream.

“I can’t do it,” Carina says, defeated. She is not ready to accept it just yet.

She turns and starts to walk away from her, but Maya keeps screaming. She feels a rumble in her chest, as if all of the grief and anger and frustration and sadness is about to force its way out of her. She takes a deep breath and clenches her fists, and lets out the fiercest scream she can muster. The tears come as she screams again and now they are both screaming, drowned out by the siren. She screams louder, like she is trying to match it. Her chest burns but it is a good pain this time because she feels the pressure releasing with every breath, every cry. She hits the palms of her hands against the fire engine, letting the tears fall.

Maya opens her arms and she collapses into them, letting the warmth of her embrace swallow her. Maya may not have known Andrew very well, but she knows her, and she knows exactly what she needs to let the grief out. She loves Maya completely in this moment and it feels like the light at the end of the tunnel is cracking through just a little bit.

She sobs into Maya’s sweater, holding on to her so tightly, only soothed by the quiet murmurings in her ear. They sway until Carina stops trembling and even then Carina refuses to let go.

The siren brings Ben to barn to find out what is going on and Maya waves him away, but not before he climbs into the engine to turn off the siren. Silence falls around them.

“The team’s on their way back, ten minutes out,” Ben says quietly, before slipping away.

Carina pulls back, her eyes flaring with panic. “I don’t want to see anyone.”

“You don’t have to,” Maya says, taking her hand again. “Home?”

Carina nods, takes a step forward and, with her free hand, cups Maya’s face and draws her in for a soft, light kiss. Salty tears trickle down her cheek and onto her top lip.

“Thank you,” she says in barely a whisper, resting her forehead against Maya’s. “Thank you.”

“I love you,” Maya says.

Carina feels herself smile. “I love you, too.”

The car ride home is quiet. Carina feels exhaustion wash over her, her eyelids drooping. Her body craves the soft mattress of their bed for the first time in days.

“Are you hungry?” Maya asks as they step inside the apartment. “You didn’t eat lunch, you must be starving.”

Carina shakes her head. “No, I just want to try to rest.”

“Why don’t you curl up in bed?” Maya suggests. “I’ll bring you some tea, maybe that will help you fall asleep?”

Carina leans forward and kisses her cheek, then wanders down the hallway. The bed is freshly made from this morning and looks inviting. She kicks off her shoes, but doesn’t bother to undress before crawling under the duvet. She curls up on her right side, buries her face in Maya’s pillow and hugs the edge of the duvet. She feels warm and comfortable, and she feels herself drifting into a slumber.

The memories don’t come this time, the nightmares kept at bay as she finally lets the softness back in and succumbs to sleep.

Chapter Text

The sun peeks around the curtains where they were haphazardly drawn the night before, lighting the room and drawing Carina out of her slumber. As she rouses, she becomes familiar with her surroundings. Having fallen asleep with her arms wrapped around Maya’s pillow, she is back on her usual side of the bed. She vaguely remembers waking up around midnight, Maya wrestling her out of her clothes and into her pyjamas. She had not put up any fight, her body having succumbed to her exhaustion. She had fallen back to sleep quickly and she hadn’t stirred all night.

Her brain is still a little foggy but every bone, every muscle, feels better for having slept at last.

Beside her, Maya’s eyes flicker until they open.

“Hey,” she says groggily.

Carina shuffles closer, one hand slipping under the covers and resting on Maya’s hip.

“Buongiorno,” Carina says.

“You doing okay?” Maya asks, her brow crinkling as she slowly wakes up.

Carina nods. Her baby brother is still dead and her heart is still broken; her grief still consumes her and she can’t shake the anger at what happened. But somehow, despite all of that, the light at the end of the tunnel that Amelia had talked about is starting to shine a little brighter.

She knows why.

It is because Maya hasn’t left her side during the last few days. It is because Maya took the list of things she has to do for Andrew’s funeral and did them all when she couldn’t. It is because Maya pushed her just enough to release all of the anger and frustration and grief she has been feeling, encouraging her to scream under the wail of the fire engine siren.

“Thank you for taking care of me,” she says softly.

Those two words alone don’t feel like it is enough, but it is all she has right now.

“Always,” Maya says. Her lips curl into a small smile as she lifts her hand to Carina’s face, smoothing the loose strands of hair out of her eyes.

Her touch is gentle and tender, and Carina leans into it, rubbing her cheek against the palm of Maya’s hand. She moves her head across the pillow and nudges her nose against Maya’s before pressing her lips softly against hers.

It is a brief kiss, but for one moment she is transported out of her grief and into a cocoon of warmth and love that she so desperately craves. She keeps her face close, nuzzling into Maya’s neck and inhaling deeply. She feels Maya’s lips against her hair, her hands circling Carina’s arm, her thumbs stroking her skin.

“Did you sleep?”

“Si, I did,” Carina says.

“Good,” Maya says, the relief in her voice apparent. “That’s good.”

They lie in silence, basking in the morning sun that warms the room. Neither of them is in a hurry to greet another difficult day. There is a part of Carina that thinks about staying in bed all day, hiding, still not ready to face the world. Maya doesn’t rush her and Carina watches her chest move slowly up and down, her breath warm on her face.

A phone buzzes, vibrating against the wooden table next to the bed. Carina can’t discern if it is hers or Maya’s, but she doesn’t hurry to find out. Right now, curled up against Maya’s warm body, she feels protected from reality. It is only when there is a sharp, loud knock on the door that they think about moving.

“Fanculo,” Carina mutters under her breath.

She feels Maya smile beside her, recognising the curse word. “I’ll go,” Maya offers.

Leaving a kiss on her forehead, Maya shifts her body away from Carina’s and slides her legs out of bed, grabbing her robe and disappearing into the apartment. With a despondent sigh, Carina drags herself out of bed and follows, stepping out just as Maya accepts a large bouquet of lilies and white roses from the delivery guy at the door.

“Wow, they’re beautiful,” Carina says.

Maya places the bouquet on the kitchen island and extracts the card, passing it to Carina before retrieving a vase from one of the cupboards. Carina opens the envelope and pulls out a small note.

With love from Catherine and Richard xx

“They’re from Doctor Fox and Doctor Webber,” Carina says.

Maya fills the vase with water and places it on the kitchen island in front of Carina.

“You’re better at this than I am.”

A small smile passes Carina’s lips. Maya’s idea of flower arranging is to drop the bunch into a vase and hope that they fall into place. Carina’s grandmother had always been particular about how flowers should be arranged and she had spent hours at the kitchen table being taught had to do it properly.

It is the first of many deliveries that start to arrive over the next few days leading up to Andrew’s funeral. Flowers and food parcels, letters and photos that people have printed from their phones. Gestures that make her smile and laugh and cry as the grief continues to come in waves.

Her Zia Alice sends her some photo albums from the boxes that Carina left in storage at her house before she left Italy. She doesn’t have the strength to look at them right now, so Maya puts them on the shelves, keeping them nearby for when she is ready.

Carina doesn’t know how she did it, but Maya managed to arrange the funeral for early the following week, just nine days after his death. She extends her bereavement leave, ignoring Carina’s lacklustre protestations.

“You need me more than they do,” Maya tells her, time and time again.

It is just Carina and Maya at the service, with family and friends watching online. Carina’s sorrow spills out of her and she doesn’t stop crying throughout the service as the minister reads the words she has written for his eulogy, and as they listen to the songs he would have loved to have heard one more time, and as Maya reads the poem she has chosen when she can’t get the words out herself. She wishes she could express in front of everyone how much she loves him and how much she will miss him, but her throat closes up, silencing her. 

Covid protocols mean that they are in and out quickly, no lingering at the end to gather herself before she has to leave his body behind in the care of the crematorium. It is the hardest part of the day, walking away from him for the final time.

She feels Maya’s hand wrap around hers, tugging her away gently.

“We have to go,” Maya says softly.

“I can’t,” Carina says through her tears. “I can’t leave him.”

“I know, baby,” Maya says, squeezing her hand. “But you have to. There are others waiting.”

By the time they get home, the anger that has been buried underneath her grief all day erupts from her.

“It’s not fair!” she cries, pacing up and down the apartment.

She growls with frustration.

“Two people, he had only two people at his funeral,” she rants. “He deserved better than this!” 

“I know,” Maya says.

Maya’s calm demeanour doesn’t do anything to help her, her body shaking with rage and resentment. She takes a deep, shaky breath and curls her fists into a tight ball as she lets out a guttural scream, not caring about whether the neighbours can hear her. Maya winces at the pain that reverberates around the room.

“I’m sorry,” she says when Carina falls quiet. “I’m sorry that I couldn’t give him, or you, the funeral he deserved.”

Carina stops moving and shakes her head. “No, bambina, it’s not… you’ve done more than I could ever have asked you to. And I will never be able to express how much it means to me.”

Maya pushes herself away from the back of the couch where she is leaning and walks over to her, sliding her arms around Carina’s waist and pulling her close.

“I would do anything to make you feel just a little bit better,” she says, her own eyes filling with tears.

“I know.”

Their foreheads come to rest against each other as they let a peace settle over them, the silence only broken by Carina’s sniffles.

“I wish… I wish he’d had more time to get to know you, to get to know us.”

“Me too.”

Carina knows that it will get better in time, that the pain will ease and the good memories will drown out the bad ones. That’s how it was with Mama. But right now, it doesn’t feel like those days are any closer than they were last week and it weighs her down.

“Is there any point in asking if you want dinner?” Maya says, already knowing that Carina won’t have much of an appetite after the stress of today.

Carina shakes her head, as expected. “I should call my family.”

“Do you think your dad was watching?”

Carina sighs heavily. She hasn’t spoken to her dad since their phone call last week. She has sent him messages about the funeral, asking if he wanted anything to be read out on his behalf or any songs to be played, but all he said was that he trusted Carina to make it “nice”. He had kept his promise and sent her some money to cover the cost, his only participation in the day.

“I don’t know,” Carina says sadly. “I hope so.”

She calls her Zia Alice first. Maya lingers nearby, delivering her a glass of wine that does its job and relaxes her as she gets through the first of many tiring phone calls. She calls some of her cousins next, putting off the phone call with Papa until the end.

Maya sits next to her, one hand on her knee, as she hits the green button and listens to the phone ring.

“Carina, ciao.”

“Ciao Papa,” Carina says, her voice growing smaller as she waits to find out his mood.

“It was a beautiful service,” Vincenzo says.

Carina can hear that he is emotional and is taken aback by the wobble in his voice, then feels guilty when she remembers that he has lost a son.

“I’m glad you thought so,” Carina says. “I think Andrea would have liked it.”

“It was perfect for him,” Vincenzo says, his words bringing tears to Carina’s eyes.

She feels Maya’s hand squeeze her leg in comfort.

“You did a wonderful job.”

“I had some help,” Carina says, glancing sideways at Maya for a moment. “Maya made a lot of the calls for me.”

“Maya?”

“My girlfriend,” Carina says.

She waits for his reaction with bated breath. Carina’s sexuality is no surprise to her father and he has never said anything, positive or negative, about any of her girlfriends. Still, she never quite knows what he will say.

Maya looks at her curiously. They are speaking in Italian, but she catches her name in their conversation. Carina shoots her a reassuring smile.

“Well, tell Maya thank you from me,” Vincenzo says eventually.

“I will,” Carina says. “We’re going to Andrea’s apartment tomorrow to clear out some of his belongings. Is there anything you want? Photos maybe?”

“I have my memories,” Vincenzo says. “That’s enough.”

Carina can’t help but feel a little disappointed, but she lets it go. She doesn’t want to upset the conversation by pushing him to do something he doesn’t want to do, it never ends well. She makes a mental note to put some things aside for him in case he changes his mind.

“You must be tired, I should let you go,” Vincenzo says, never one to hold a long conversation.

“I… I’ll call you in a few days perhaps?” Carina suggests tentatively.

Vincenzo pauses, before he answers. “Okay.”

“I love you, Papa,” Carina says. It is not something she says to him often, but she needs to say it today, when she knows he will hear it.

He doesn’t return the sentiment, but wishes her well before he hangs up the phone.

“That sounded like it went okay?” Maya says softly.

Carina nods. “It did.” She turns her head to smile at her. “He said to thank you for helping me plan today. He thought it was a lovely service.”

Maya returns her smile. “He did?”

“Yeah, he did,” Carina says.  She leans forward and places a light kiss on Maya’s cheek. “I couldn’t have done it without you, thank you.”

The evening passes quietly. Maya convinces Carina to eat a couple of slices of toast as they curl up together on the sofa, Maya flicking through some magazines as Carina lies between her legs, her head resting on her chest as she listens to the soft music that plays in the background. She gets lost in the melodies, enjoying the relief from the heavy grief she carries from the day.

They spend the next day at Andrew’s apartment, going through his things. Carina can’t bear to let anything go and there are several moments when she just wants to box everything up and put it into storage, but she knows it will just be putting it off until another day and it will never be an easy task.

Most of it is boxed up for donations – his clothes and books and kitchen equipment. She can’t bear to sell them and knows that Andrew would want them to go to people who need them. There are a few things that Carina puts to one side to take home, like his biker jacket and some of his favourite novels with his annotation in the margins. She runs her hands over his words, his handwriting messy, and she pictures him curled up on a chair, reading and scribbling his thoughts on the once unblemished pages.

She spends a lot of the day in tears and Maya lets her cry it out, comforting her with a gentle hand on her back or a soft kiss on her temple every now and again.

They get home just before dinner, with a couple of boxes and a suitcase in tow, stepping out of the elevator to find two familiar faces at the door.

“Doctor Bailey, Doctor Webber,” Carina greets them fondly.

They keep their distance, still mindful of Covid protocols, but Carina reaches out and accepts both of their outstretched hands.

“Carina, Maya hi,” Miranda says kindly.

“Bailey, Doctor Webber,” Maya says. “Would you like to come in?”

They look a little uncertain, probably because they can see the exhaustion painted on Carina’s face after such an emotional day.

“Please, come in,” Carina says, only Maya picking up on the reluctance in her voice.

With any luck, their visit will be short, but Carina feels compelled to be polite. After all, they have been so kind to her. She leads them into the apartment, dropping the box in her hands on the kitchen table, with Maya close behind her.

“Can I get you a drink?” Maya asks.

“No, thank you,” Richard says. “We won’t stay long. But there’s something we want to talk to you about.”

Piquing Carina’s curiosity, they settle on the sofa and chairs, forming a small circle. Bailey has a package in her hands and she places it on the coffee table between them.

“This is Andrew’s lab coat and stethoscope, and the things that were left in his locker,” she says gently. “I hope you don’t mind that we cleared it out. We thought it would be one less task for you to do.”

“No, it’s…” Carina’s hands shake as she leans forward and takes the package, opening it carefully at the seams. “It’s okay.”

She runs the tips of her fingers over the embroidered name just above the pocket of his lab coat. She remembers the delight she had felt when he told her that he was following in the footsteps of her and their father by enrolling into medical school, and how proud she had been the day he had graduated. She had loved to watch him work, to see him use his talents to help others.

A tear trickles down her cheek and she wipes it away quickly.

“Thank you for bringing this to me.”

Richard clears his throat. “We’ve planned a memorial for him, tomorrow night,” he says. “We’re all sorry that we couldn’t be there yesterday, at the funeral, and we wanted to come together to remember him.”

“We know you’re dealing with a lot right now,” Miranda interjects. “But we’d love it if you could be there, to hear everyone’s memories and thoughts about him.”

Maya can feel Carina’s hesitation and she reaches out to place a comforting hand on Carina’s arm.

“We’ll try and make it,” she says non-committedly and hoping their visitors understand. “What time?”

“Eight o’clock, in the parking lot,” Richard says.

“Thank you,” Carina says again. “It’s a lovely thing to do for him.”

“We cared for him very much,” Miranda says, her voice cracking. “I hope you know that.”

“I do,” Carina says with a small smile. “He knew it too.”

They make small talk for a little while, before Miranda and Richard leave. Once the door is closed, Carina turns and slumps against it, surveying the boxes they brought back from Andrew’s apartment.

“Why don’t we put these in the spare room for now?” Maya suggests. “You can go back to them when you’re ready. It doesn’t have to be done right away.”

Carina nods. Maya has already arranged for a local charity to collect the items to be donated. Some of the bigger things, like his couch and bed, will go into storage. His landlord will stop by in a couple of days to inspect the apartment and arrange for the final utility payments to be taken. Everything is organised, thanks to Maya, and Carina is glad she doesn’t have to think about it.

Dinner is a muted affair and Carina pushes the salad around her plate, her stomach twisted into knots as she imagines what it will be like at Andrew’s memorial tomorrow.

“You don’t have to go to the memorial if you don’t want to,” Maya says, reading her mind.

“But you think I should?”

Maya shrugs lightly. “I think Bailey’s right, I think it would be good for you to go and hear how much everyone cared for him. To know that you’re not the only one missing him.”

Carina sighs and drops her fork onto the plate. There is such a loneliness that comes with her grief that she has not been able to shake. For all that Maya has done for her, she doesn’t share the loss in the same way. Her conversations with her family have helped a little but, with Andrew living in America for the last twenty years, even they cannot understand how deep the loss is for her.

Perhaps Maya is right, perhaps sharing her grief with those who have got to know him over the last six years would help her.

“Maybe,” is all she says for now. The thought of seeing so many people and carrying their grief on top of her own is not appealing.

The following day, Maya doesn’t mention it again until Carina does, just after lunch.

“I think I want to go to the memorial,” she announces suddenly, as Maya is stacking their dirty plates in the dishwasher.

She looks over at her. “Really?”

Carina nods. “I just… I’m scared that I’ll fall apart in front of everyone.”

She looks at Maya wish such fear that she stops in the middle of her chore and walks over to the kitchen table, sitting down and clasping her hands around Carina’s.

“Hey. I’ll be next to you the whole time, I promise. And if you do fall apart – who cares? You lost your brother, Carina, no-one is going to judge you for crying. They feel it too and they want to help you remember the good times. He should be remembered for his life, not his death.”

It is a sweet sentiment that she knows Andrew would appreciate. She blinks back her tears. “Okay.”

“Warren text me earlier, he offered to drive us there,” Maya says. “I think it’s a good idea, that way you’ve got all of my focus.”

Just like it has been since the moment Andrew died. Except for a couple of occasions when Carina has heard her on the phone to Andy talking about fire reports and inspection schedules, Maya has made sure that all of her attention has been on Carina and her needs, keeping her fed and hydrated, managing the tasks that she still isn’t strong enough to face herself.

It is so foreign to Carina, to have someone who will drop everything to be there in a time of need – after years of dealing with her Papa, of handling their Mama’s affairs after she died, of taking care of Andrew as he battled his own demons. All of these things she had done alone, until Maya had come along. If she is completely honest, it surprises her at how quickly Maya had dropped her work to be with her and her heart is full from feeling the love and care that Maya shows hers every day.

She extracts one hand from Maya’s and lifts it to her face, cupping her cheek and running her thumb over her soft skin.

“Thank you, amore mio,” she says softly.

Those two words still don’t feel like enough.

Ben arrives just after seven-thirty and drives them the short distance to the hospital. There is already a large crowd gathered outside in the parking lot. Carina is immediately humbled by how many people have shown up for her baby brother. The tears start to pool in her eyes as soon as she steps out of the car and she brings her hands to her chest, sending them all a grateful smile from under her mask.

Maya comes up behind her, a hand on the small of her back to guide her towards the seats. Carina reaches for her and Maya takes her hand.

“Don’t let go,” Carina murmurs.

“I won’t,” Maya says.

The night air is cool and Carina shivers, feeling the cold. They sit down as Doctor Webber takes his position by the podium in front of them.

“Everybody, can I have your attention, please?” he calls out. Her friends and colleagues gather around them, some on chairs and many standing. Richard waits until they have each found a space. “Thank you.”

She feels Maya squeeze her hand and she grasps it tighter, watching as Richard addresses the crowd.

“I appreciate you all being here tonight,” he says. “Grey Sloan is a family, and Andrew DeLuca was a member of that family. And his death, however brave… well, it’s still heartbreaking. We can’t honour his life like we might have in the past, but we can still honour him.” He looks over his shoulder. “Doctor Perez?”

The dark sky is suddenly alight from the glare of a large screen above them, coming to life as a video starts and the image of Atticus Lincoln appears on the screen.

“Hey man. I couldn’t think of what to say so I thought I’d play a song…”

As Link launches into a tune, Carina thinks about Andrew and his guitar, and the weeks that followed after he broke up with Sam for a second time and she had to drag him away from Meredith’s couch. The memory would normally make her smile, but not tonight. She is too caught up in her sadness tonight.

The video continues with messages from Jackson and Maggie and Schmitt, all sharing their fondest memories of him. Owen and some of the nurses talk about how good a doctor he was, and her heart bursts with pride that they all saw it too, it wasn’t just her bias view as his big sister. Amelia shares the support that Andrew gave her after her brain tumour was diagnosed and Richard praises him for diagnosing his cobalt poisoning, and she realises how much he impacted their lives in the few years that he spent with them.

“That young man represented the best of what this job can be.”

She feels privileged to witness such a big outpouring of love for her little brother; the same kid who used to drive her crazy by always bugging her to play games with him, who spent hours with her in the kitchen perfecting their Nonna’s biscotti, and who used to tell their parents when she snuck out of the house to meet her friends at night – unless she bribed him not to.

Maya’s hand stays wrapped around hers, the other rubbing her back and Carina leans towards her, the warmth from her body a comfort as she cries through the messages.

And then, out of nowhere, her breath is stolen when Andrew appears on the screen. She gasps at the sight of him, sitting in a chair in what looks like a library, smoothing out his tie, his hair uncharacteristically tidy.

She hadn’t expected to see him and her body shudders as she tries to control the sob that wants to escape from her mouth, her heart aching to reach out and grab hold of him and never let him go.

But she can’t.

She will never know what it feels like to hold him in her arms again.

She drops her head for a moment, wiping the tears from her eyes, as she listens to his voice for the last time.

“Hello. Uh, my name is Andrew DeLuca and I’m thrilled to be applying to the surgical residency program at Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital. A bit about me: I am Italian, but I grew up in Wisconsin. A lot of doctors in my family, including my big sister, Carina. Um, I grew up stealing her game of Operation, so I guess you can say it’s been a dream of mine for a very long time.”

He chuckles and, God, she misses his laugh.

“The idea of doing my training at Grey Sloan and learning from surgical legends like Richard Webber and Miranda Bailey and Jackson Avery and Meredith Grey… uh, well, it just doesn’t get any better than that. I think the reason I want to become a surgeon is that I’ve always had this insatiable desire to help people. I think I get that from my mom, who I lost too soon. She had this really giving heart, and she always pushed me to do as much good as possible, so I guess I’m doing this for her.”

Carina’s body shakes as she thinks of Mama and Andrew, of how proud Mama would be of everything he accomplished in his short life, and how she hopes that they are together again, wherever they may be.

“Now, you should be warned, I can be relentless at times and very stubborn. But I promise that, if I match with you, ti darò il meglio di me. I will give you the very best of me. Thank you.”

She watches the screen as he leans forward to turn his camera off, his face disappearing and a photo of him in his lab coat lighting the night sky. Silence falls around them as everyone gets lost in their memories and sadness at losing a beloved friend and colleague. She feels their loss alongside her own and it isn’t the burden she thought it might be, it is actually a relief to share her grief with them.

She grasps Maya’s hand so tightly that she worries she might cut off the circulation. She focuses on Maya’s calming, steady breath next to her which she tries to mimic as she stems her tears. 

Richard is the first to move, getting to his feet slowly and taking a step towards her. She stands to meet him, accepting his outstretched hand. Catherine is next, then Owen. Maya stays close behind her, a hand on her back to make sure she knows she is there, and Carina is grateful for her constant presence.

One by one, the others drift away, some retreating back quietly into the hospital and others intentionally passing her to offer their condolences, until it is just the two of them.

“You okay?” Maya asks quietly.

Carina answers her with a small nod, her eyes gazing upwards at the picture that hovers over them. His beautiful face is the perfect mixture of their parents, whereas she always felt like she inherited more of her father’s genes.

“He’s really gone,” Carina says through her tears.

“Physically, yeah,” Maya says softly. “But don’t you see it, Carina? All these people, all these stories – he’ll never be truly gone. I know it probably sounds like a silly sentiment right now, but you’ll always have people here who will remember him and talk about him, whenever you want.”

Carina smiles gratefully, hoping it shines through her eyes, before looking back at the screen.

Ben comes up to them.

“How are you guys doing?”

“We’re okay,” Carina says. “You want to go?”

“Whenever you’re ready,” Ben says. “I’ll be by the car.”

“We don’t have to rush,” Maya says as he walks away.

“No, it’s okay,” Carina says. “I’m glad we came. You were right, it was good for me to come, to see everyone. But I’m ready to go home.”

She leans in and rests her forehead against Maya’s for a moment.

“Thank you, bambina.”

“I love you,” Maya says softly.

“I love you too.”

Carina doesn’t sleep well that night, tossing and turning as she tries but fails to sleep. It is not like before, when the grief and guilt were unbearable. She feels wired, like she wants to run, like the steady motion of her legs moving and her feet pounding the streets would eliminate some of the pent-up energy she has inside of her.

It is what Maya would do.

Except Carina isn’t much of a runner and it isn’t her body that needs a release, it is her mind.

She rolls over, facing outwards and away from Maya. The door to their en suite is slightly ajar and there is a glint in the mirror’s reflection that catches her eye. Behind her, Maya, in her deep slumber, instinctively turns towards her and slides a hand around her waist. Her touch is as comforting as ever and Carina relaxes a little, letting the high thread count sheets lull her into a light sleep.

She is tired when she wakes the next morning after such an unsettled night’s sleep. The space next to her is empty and she can hear Maya on her treadmill. She really should tell her that it is okay to go out for a run, that she doesn’t need someone with her 24/7.

Carina slips out of bed and heads straight into the shower, washing the stress of the last couple of days from her body. She washes and dries her hair, and smothers her body with a light crème, inhaling its floral scent.

By the time she steps out into the apartment, Maya has finished her workout and is sitting at the kitchen table, a green smoothie in one hand and her phone in the other. She doesn’t look up as Carina walks into the kitchen and pours herself a glass of orange juice from the open carton in the refrigerator, only noticing her presence when she sits down beside her.

Her brow is furrowed with a deep frown and she looks upset.

“What’s wrong, bambina?”

“I, uh… nothing. My mom, she uh… it’s nothing,” Maya says dismissively. She drops her phone and turns her focus back to Carina. “How are you feeling this morning?”

She doesn’t need to answer, her tired eyes and pale skin give her away.

“You didn’t sleep well, huh?” Maya guesses.

“Not really,” Carina says.

“Do you need to scream?”

A small smile crosses Carina’s lips. “No, not today. I think I just need a couch day.”

“We can do that. Maybe a movie?”

Carina nods.

“I’m gonna shower, then I’ll make us some breakfast, okay?”

She leaves Carina with a kiss on her temple, then disappears into the bedroom. Determined to be more useful than she has been over the last couple of weeks, Carina tidies away the smoothie maker and washes the remnants of Maya’s drink down the sink before putting the glass into the dishwasher. Her next move is to the coffee pot to make her usual morning espresso when her cell phone starts to ring.

It is an unknown number and she thinks about ignoring it, but there are still things that need to be done and it could be about Andrew, so she answers it.

It turns out to be his landlord, calling from his apartment. Everything is in order, he tells her, and he will be refunding the full deposit and last month’s rent after deduction of any final utilities.

They are mid-conversation when Maya appears.

‘It’s his landlord,’ Carina mouths to her.

She vaguely pays attention to what he is telling her as Maya finishes making her coffee, watching with slight amusement as she walks through the steps that Carina has shown her many times before. Except she hasn’t made a decent pot yet.

“And the water will be turned off when?” she asks the landlord, wanting to make sure that every detail is sorted.

Maya puts a cup of espresso in front of her. “Thank you,” she murmurs. She takes a sip and immediately grimaces at the bitter taste.

“Do you know when the apartment will be emptied?” the landlord asks her.

“Uh, yes,” she says, although she can’t quite remember what Maya told her. “The movers will be there on…”

She looks up expectantly at Maya.

“Friday,” Maya says.

“On Friday,” she repeats.

“I’m happy to meet them, if that saves you the bother,” the landlord offers.

“Okay, thank you,” Carina says, grateful for his help. If it is one less thing for her to do, then the better.

A knock on the door startles her. Maya grabs her mask from her back pocket and approaches the door as Carina ends her call. Before she has time to ask Maya who it is, she hears a familiar voice.

“Hey, tesoro… tesoro, ciao!”

Carina spins in her seat as Gabriella approaches her with her arms open wide, her hair wild and a small suitcase in tow. Surprised to see her old friend, Carina stands up and lets Gabriella engulf her in a big hug.

“What are you doing here?”

“I just heard about Andrea,” Gabriella says.

Her voice is full of sorrow and sympathy, and, in her exhausted state, it makes Carina cry.

“I’m shocked, how is it possible?” Gabriella asks the questions that have been on Carina’s mind ever since. She pulls back, her hands resting on Carina’s shoulders. “I get tested all the time, don’t worry.”

Glad to see a familiar face, Carina brushes Gabriella’s hair from her face and smiles.

“It’s okay, I do too,” she says, pulling Gabriella into another hug.

“Hi, hello,” Maya’s voice reminds her that she has no idea who Gabriella is.

“Maya, this is my friend.”

“Doctor Gabriella Aurora,” Gabriella introduces herself. “Hi.”

The introduction is brief as Gabriella continues to shower Carina with her condolences.

“He was such a sweet kid, always so bright and happy,” Gabriella says, her eyes pooling with tears. “I can’t believe that anyone would want to hurt him like that.”

Carina’s bottom lip wobbles. She has thought the same thing over and over again herself since it happened, the shock barely fading. She leans into Gabriella’s arms, grateful to have a friend who understands it too.

“I’m happy to see you,” she says. “You just got here?”

“I came straight from the airport,” Gabriella says. “You have coffee, right?”

Carina laughs, despite her sadness. “Of course. And you’ll stay with us, yes?”

She looks at Maya and realises that she has been listening to them converse in Italian, completely lost about what they have been talking about. Noticing the bewildered look she wears, she switches to English.

“Gabriella can stay in guest room, is that okay?”

“Of course,” Maya says brightly.

Too caught up in the unexpected arrival, Carina doesn’t catch the uncertainty in her voice. Instead, she watches appreciatively as Maya wheels Gabriella’s suitcase up the hallway and towards the guest room. Meanwhile, she takes Gabriella’s coat from her and flings it over the back of one of the chairs as she ushers her into the kitchen.

“Come, sit, I’ll make you an espresso,” Carina offers.

“No, no, I’ll do it,” Gabriella says, waving her off. “You look exhausted.”

Carina sighs as she sits down at the kitchen island. “Sleeping hasn’t been easy,” she admits.

Gabriella’s eyes flicker towards the hallway before she looks back at Carina. “Well, it’s a good thing I’m here to look after you.”

Carina knows what she means. “Maya’s taking care of me,” she says pointedly.

Gabriella purses her lips but knows better than to say anything else.

“First coffee, then lunch. Something that reminds you of home. Gnocchi perhaps?”

Without waiting for Carina’s reply, she takes the kettle and fills it with water, letting it boil as she prepares the cafetière.

“Gnocchi takes hours to make,” Carina reminds her.

“Well, it’s a good thing we’ve got all day,” Gabriella says.

Carina smirks. She has always been a bulldozer, it is one of her many charms.

Maya appears a few moments later, her hand smoothing Carina’s hair as she comes up beside her.

“I moved the boxes into the wardrobe,” she says quietly so that only Carina hears her.

Of course; they had hidden Andrew’s belongings in the spare room to give Carina some respite from having to look at them. Maya’s eyes drift to Gabriella’s discarded coat and she picks it up, taking it over to the hooks, while Gabriella serves Carina a fresh espresso.

It is strong and smooth, and glides over her tongue and down her throat easily, and Carina can’t help but moan with delight at its taste.

“Mmm, perfetto.”

“You’re gonna have to teach me your secret,” Maya says, walking back over to the island, one hand resting on Carina’s back. Carina leans into her slightly, appreciating the contact.

It is not a bad idea; after all, she hasn’t picked up any of Carina’s tricks.

“The secret is to make it good,” Gabriella says bluntly.

“Well, after thirteen tries, six first-degree burns, and one cup of literal spilled milk, I have failed at doing that,” Maya jokes.

Carina catches the frustration in her voice and circles one arm around her waist, hugging her gently.

“You put milk in your espresso?” Gabriella shoots Carina a look and addresses her in Italian. “Who is this person?”

“Gabriella, English please,” Carina chides her.

She knows that Gabriella means no harm, she has always been outspoken. It is one of the things that drew her to the fiery woman in the first place, their shared passion for saying what they think. While Carina has mellowed a little over time, Gabriella is still as opinionated as she was when they met almost twenty years ago back in medical school.

“Okay, Maya, you live with an Italian woman and you don’t speak Italian?” She shakes her head, slipping back into Italian. “I’m sorry, but it’s ten points less.”

If it wasn’t for the fact that she was talking about Maya, Carina would have laughed. It was a game they used to play in their younger years, scoring their hook ups and judging their worthiness. But Carina won’t let her do it to Maya.

“I’m learning,” Maya tries to defend herself. “It’s just… it’s slow.”

“It’s okay,” Carina says, squeezing her hips and shooting her a sympathetic glance.

 Gabriella takes a sip of her own coffee. “Dov'è la farina?” she asks.

Carina shoots her a disapproving look at her stubborn refusal to speak in English.

“She’s looking for flour,” Carina translates.

Despite Gabriella’s prickliness, Maya jumps into action. “I got it, it’s right here,” she says, moving over to the cupboard to retrieve it.

“Flour,” Gabriella says with an accentuated diction.

“Brava,” Carina teases her.

“I know how to speak English,” Gabriella teases her back, accepting the jar of flour from Maya. With a playful glint, she reverts back to Italian. “Grazie… le patate?”

“Potatoes,” Carina says, pointing to their usual place under the kitchen island.

“Ah yeah, potatoes, there you go,” Maya says, retrieving the bowl.

“Thank you,” Gabriella says.

“So, you guys, um, grew up together?” Maya asks, making conversation as Carina gets up from her seat to drop her empty coffee cup and dirty cafetiere in the sink.

She moves to the refrigerator to grab the eggs, knowing it will be next on Gabriella’s list.

“Uh, no, we’ve been friends only since medical school,” she says, sitting back down in her seat at the island.

“Well, friends. I mean, yeah, that, too, but...” Gabriella’s eyes twinkle with mischief. “Abbiamo anche fatto molto sesso.”

The words come out of her mouth before Carina can stop them and she glares at her friend, her cheeks blushing a light pink.

“Yeah, that, uh… she…” she stumbles over her words as she tries to figure out how to translate it with some sensitivity.

“Yep, no, I got that one,” Maya says. “I remember that one.”

Of course the one word Maya would remember was sesso.

“Hmm,” Carina says, beginning to sense the awkwardness between her girlfriend and her ex. Gabriella pays no attention, focussing on making lunch for them. Carina ignores Maya’s suggestion to try to get some rest, instead choosing to watch with amusement as Gabriella ropes in Maya to help her, teaching her how to mould the small dumplings into shape. She still refuses to speak wholly in English, which means Carina has to be on hand to translate every now and again, but at least she is playing nice for now.

It is the first meal since Andrew died that Carina has eaten easily, the soft, light dough coated in a rich tomato sauce reminding her of many home-cooked meals back in Sicily.

“Mmm,” she hums happily. “You’ve been practising.”

“Well, there’s not much else to do during lockdown,” Gabriella comments, and it is then that Carina realises how lonely her friend must be at the moment.

Gabriella has always been someone who likes to be surrounded by people; whether a deep connection or a frivolous hook up, she doesn’t like to be alone. Carina studies her friend and notices the lines around her eyes. The pandemic has not been kind to anyone in the medical profession and Carina feels a wave of gratitude wash through her, knowing that Maya is here whenever she needs her. Feeling Maya watching her, she meets her eyes and smiles fondly at her, her hand finding hers under the table and giving it a gentle squeeze.

Once lunch is over, Maya offers to clear away the dishes while Carina and Gabriella curl up on the couch, sharing stories of their days in medical school together and summers spent travelling, always ending with a few weeks in Sicily with her family.

Carina’s eyes drift to the photo albums on the shelf. She hasn’t been able to look at them since they arrived, but she picks them up now and brings them over to the couch, allowing herself to get lost in the memories.

“…the Amalfi Coast, remember that?” Gabriella says, pointing at a photo of the two of them in an old blue convertible car.

“Ah, and with the air conditioning!” Carina says, laughing. “It was so hot!”

“So, it was a fun trip with the crappy car that somehow still looks romantic,” Maya observes from across the room. Carina is too distracted by her trip down memory lane to notice the jealousy in her voice. “Is that when you two started dating?”

“Oh, no, we never dated,” Carina says.

“But she said that…” Maya starts, glancing at Gabriella.

“No, no, no, I never said that. I mean, we never dated,” Gabriella corrects her. “We didn't really have time, did we?”

“No, and neither the energy. Oh, my God,” Carina says, remembering how exhausting medical school was.

“Ah, you know, we were in school, we were just working hard,” Gabriella points out.

“Yeah, so many hours a week,” Carina laments.

“We needed an outlet, so… facevamo sesso.”

“Remember that one,” Maya mutters.

Carina doesn’t notice as she turns the page to the next set of photos and finds her brother’s young face grinning up at her.

“Oh, look at tiny Andrea,” she says tenderly.

“Ah, yes, that's a nice picture of him,” Gabriella says. “Is that the week he came to visit us at school?”

Carina’s eyes pool with tears. “Yeah. And he ended up spending the night in your room.”

She still remembers the bashful look on his face as she had gone charging into Gabriella’s room one morning – which wasn’t unusual, they had a fairly relaxed open-door policy in those days – to find Andrew trying but failing to hide under the covers.

“Well, he didn't stop smiling for a week,” Gabriella says teasingly, although there is a wistfulness in her voice.

They both laugh.

“And he said that I was the one always romancing with his friends,” Carina jokes, smiling through her tears.

She turns the page to another set of photos, her first solo trip abroad a few years after finishing medical school. She had used the small sum of money that Mama had left her in her Will to pay for it, wanting to spend the money on something memorable instead of flittering it away.

“Where were you here?” Gabriella asks. “That's very cute.”

“India,” Carina says.

“Oh no,” she hears Maya say. She looks up to see her looking down at her cell phone.

“It’s Andy,” Maya says. “It’s a family thing.”

Carina can tell that she is torn about whether to stay or go. Maya has done so much for her that she doesn’t want to be selfish if Andy needs her.  

“Bambina, we're fine here. You can go,” Carina says gently.

Beside her, Gabriella nods. “We’re okay.”

Maya looks unsure as she stands up but Carina flashes her a reassuring smile before going back to the photo album, turning the page to photos of their medical school graduation. Their happy faces look back at them. It should make Carina smile, but it doesn’t.

“What?” Gabriella prompts her.

“When we finally graduated, I never thought it would be like this,” Carina says. “Like it has been over the last couple of months, you know?”

“I know,” Gabriella says.

Carina looks over her shoulder at her friend. “How bad has it been for you?”

Gabriella is a cardiothoracic surgeon and Carina knows before she answers that she has seen the worst of it.

“I just want it to be over,” Gabriella says wearily. “And it doesn’t feel like that’s going to happen any time soon.”

Carina reaches out and takes her hand, squeezing it gently. Gabriella accepts the comfort for a moment then shakes it off, flashing Carina a smile. “What’s in this album?” she asks, leaning forward and picking up the second set of photos from the coffee table.

The photos are older, baby photos of Carina and the first photos of her holding Andrew just after he had born. Happiness shines from her face as she looks down at him, his tiny hand curled around her finger. They flick through the photos, watching the two of them get older.

The next page takes her breath away. It is the photo she had told Maya about at the hospital, the one of her and Andrew opening their Mama’s gift of a pair of roller skates.

She lifts her head, looking for Maya to show her the photo, before she remembers that she left to go and meet Andy. It is the first time she hasn’t been there and it takes her by surprise at how much she doesn’t like it. She knows that Maya will be going back to work soon, she can’t stay at home with her forever, but right now this is where Carina feels safe and loved and protected, and she isn’t ready for that to end just yet.

“Are you okay, dear?” Gabriella says, noticing her face.

“I’m fine,” Carina says quickly.

The next pages are photos from her cousin’s wedding, where her parents got into an argument and her dad ended up with a fork in the back of his hand. Carina was thirteen and had just cut her hair short for the first time. Andrew was eight years old, tall and lanky for his age.

“Oh my God, you’re such babies!” Gabriella laughs.

“So awkward,” Carina says, shaking her head and smiling.

The afternoon is cathartic for her, talking about Andrew and reliving memories. She lets herself feel all the sadness and grief that comes with knowing that they won’t have any more moments together, while feeling joy at the moments they have shared over the last thirty-four years.

She remembers when Mama died, people would ask Carina how she was doing and offer their sympathies, but they wouldn’t talk about Mama. It is like people were afraid of upsetting her. They never understood that she was already upset, but that by talking about her, speaking her name and telling her stories that she had never heard before, kept Mama alive.

She wants that for Andrew. She wants people to remember him, to think about him, to talk about him.

It is why she is so grateful for Gabriella’s visit. She was there when Mama died and she did the same thing then that she has done now: she dropped everything to be by Carina’s side. She is not afraid to talk about him or his death or how hard it is to lose him.

“I’m really glad you’re here,” Carina says, as she makes them tea.

“I can only stay a day, maybe two,” Gabriella says from where she perches against the kitchen table. “They need me back at the hospital.”

Carina nods as she hands her a cup of steaming hot tea.

“Why don’t you come back to Florida with me?”

Carina’s eyebrows arch in surprise. “Why?”

“For a break. To get away from here, to get some sleep,” Gabriella says. “To be with someone who knows you.”

“Maya knows me,” Carina points out.

Gabriella tips her head to one side, looking disbelievingly at her. “Does she?”

“Gabriella…” Carina rebukes her.

“You’ve only known her for a couple of months…”

“Six months,” Carina corrects her.

“…you’ve jumped into living together, in her apartment, with mostly her stuff around…”

“That was my choice.”

“…she doesn’t know your past, she hasn’t even bothered to try to learn your language…”

“She’s trying, but we’re in the middle of a pandemic.”

“I’m just saying…”

“Don’t,” Carina cuts her off before she can say any more, her shoulders squaring. “I love you, Gabriella, and I know you mean well, but Maya is everything I need and want right now. She’s been there for me in a way that no-one ever has before. Not just since Andrea died. She was there when his Bipolar was so bad that we had to stage an intervention to help him. She was there when Zio Eduardo and Zio Roberto died, when Nonna died. She’s been there through this whole pandemic, when the whole world feels like it’s falling apart. And I never would have got through these last couple of weeks without her.”

“I called everyone. I did the whole list. I did all the things.”

A warmth spreads across her chest as she remembers the way Maya made the impossible job possible by doing what she couldn’t.

“She hasn’t left me, not once, since Andrea died – not until today. And I think that’s only because she knew I’d be okay with you here. She’s taken care of me when I couldn’t take care of myself. She’s known exactly what I’ve needed and when I’ve needed it.”

She gestures at herself.

“I wouldn’t be standing here, clean and dressed and functioning if it wasn’t for Maya,” she continues vehemently. “So maybe she can’t make a decent espresso. And maybe she doesn’t speak very good Italian yet. But I love her, Gabriella, and as hard as it is right now with Andrea gone…” She blinks back her tears. “I’m better being with her than anywhere else.”

Gabriella’s lips are pursed tightly but they soon relax into a smile.

“Okay,” she says. “I won’t say anything else – but only on one condition.”

Carina’s eyes narrow suspiciously. “Which is?”

“You let me show her how to make a proper espresso,” Gabriella says. “Milk, Carina, really?”

Carina laughs at that. “Okay.”

Gabriella pushes herself away from the table.

“I’m going to take this tea and rest before dinner,” she says. She pauses beside Carina and kisses her cheek lightly as she passes her.

Left alone, Carina opens the refrigerator and looks at its contents as she starts to think about what to make for dinner. She doesn’t get very far before her cell phone starts to ring. She pulls it out of the back pocket of her pants and smiles when she sees it lit up with Maya’s name.

“Ciao bella,” she says as answers the phone.

“Hey,” Maya says, a slight hesitation in her voice. “How are you doing?”

“I’m good,” Carina says. “Are you still at the station with Andy?”

“Uh, actually, I’m with Jack and Inara and Marcus,” Maya says.

“Jack?”

“Yeah, we’re just about to head to the hospital and we need your help with something.”

Carina’s eyebrows arch curiously and, when she doesn’t say anything, Maya continues.  

“Marsha was supposed to come home today, but she’s got worse suddenly,” Maya explains. “Marcus wants to see her. We’re taking a ladder truck to the hospital so that he can see her from outside but we don’t know which room she’s in. Do you think you could make a call and find out where she is? I wouldn’t normally ask, it’s just…”

“Maya, it’s okay,” Carina interrupts. “Of course I will.”

“Thanks,” Maya says.

Carina hears her sigh.

“Is everything else okay?”

“Yeah,” Maya says, although not convincingly. “I love you, okay? I’ll be home soon.”

“Okay. I love you, too.”

Carina ends the call, her teeth digging into her bottom lip thoughtfully. It would be easy to make a phone call and send the information to Maya in a text message, but something in the back of her mind prompts her to do it in person. She scribbles a short note to Gabriella to let her know that she has popped out and will be back shortly, then grabs her coat and keys, and leaves the apartment.

She pulls into the hospital parking lot a short while later, immediately spotting a ladder truck from Station 88. She sees Maya, Jack, Inara and Marcus stood beside it, Maya checking her phone every now and again, probably waiting for her reply. Carina slips into the side entrance of the hospital and catches a nurse at the desk, getting Marsha’s hospital room number and working out which window will be hers.

“Grazie,” she thanks the nurse.

She makes her way outside, surprising Maya when she appears through the dark evening sky.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” Maya asks as she approaches them.

“I couldn’t resist coming to see what you guys are up to,” Carina says, her eyes twinkling in a way that Maya hasn’t seen for a while. “Marsha’s in room 416.”

She looks up at the building and they all follow her gaze. It takes her a moment to figure out which is the right room.

“You see the window with the pictures in it? It’s two up and three along on the right from that one.”

Maya gives an order to the firefighter stood nearby to get the ladder ready. Carina watches as Jack signs something to Marcus, the young boy signing ‘thank you’ to her. She gives him a small nod before he runs off to watch the ladder being manoeuvred off the truck, Inara hot on his heels to keep him out of trouble.

“Hey, thanks for doing this,” Jack says gratefully.

“It's good for recovery, seeing family,” Carina says.

She knows that herself, feeling lighter after a day with an old friend.

“Marcus is threatening to climb up there by himself,” Inara says as she comes rushing up to them.

The kid is clearly impatient.

“I'm coming,” Jack calls out, signing at the same time, then follows Marcus to the base of the ladder.

Carina stands by Maya and they watch as Jack and Marcus slowly and carefully climb up the ladder to the platform of the top. Once they are secure, Jack gives the signal and it starts to elevate slowly, rising up the building towards Marsha’s window.

“So, Andy didn’t have a family crisis, huh?”

Maya looks away bashfully and Carina doesn’t say anything else, instead looking up to see Jack and Marcus waving to Marsha and holding up a small sign the boy has made for her.

It makes Carina smile, the love that Marcus clearly has for the woman inside the hospital.

As the ladder starts its descent, she tips her head away from the team of firefighters stood near them and starts to walk back towards her car. Maya falls into step beside her, removing her mask.

“I'm sorry that I lied before.”

“Maya, I'm not threatened by Jack,” Carina says.

“I am,” Maya admits. “I am threatened by you and Gabriella.”

It surprises Carina, how they can have been through so much in such a small space of time and still Maya can have these doubts. Gabriella’s visit is nothing more than an old friend coming to offer some comfort in a time of need. With Maya, it is so much more than that.

“But Gabriella is my friend. She drove overnight in a pandemic to be here for me because…”

“I know, I know, I know,” Maya interjects. “I know it's not fair. I know it's stupid. I'm just telling you the truth.”

Carina removes her mask as they make their way across the parking lot.

“I mean, these past few weeks, we settled into us. I mean...” Maya pauses to chuckle. “Sometimes, I know what you're gonna say just by how you crinkle your left eyebrow, and it's…”

”Wonderful,” Carina finishes her sentence for her. She has noticed it too. In all the darkness, in all the sadness, they have had each other. It has been the two of them, together, as a unit, getting through the most heartbreaking time in her life – and, for Carina, it has only strengthened the love she has for her.

“Wonderful and lovely and satisfying, and something that I have never had before,” Maya says. “But you and Gabriella have never even really dated and you still seem to have this shorthand. I mean, you literally speak the same language.”

They reach Carina’s Porsche and stop by its trunk, turning to face each other.

“But we've known each other for years,” Carina reminds her. “It's like the shorthand that you have with Jack, talking about fire hoses and ladder trucks.”

“No, that's different,” Maya tries to argue.

Carina smiles at Maya’s inability to see what is staring her in the face. “Yeah, it is different,” she says. “What you and I have is, ah... fantastico.”

She sees Maya’s face soften, the frown in her forehead disappearing as her lips curl into a small smile, and she loves her so much in that moment. She loves her kindness and devotion, and the way she softens her hard edges for her; she loves her vulnerability and honesty.

“Maya, it's ours,” she says softly, stepping towards her to close the gap between their bodies. “It's just ours.”

She cups her face then and kisses her – really kisses her, with all the love and passion she can muster; with all that has been missing from their relationship over the last couple of weeks as she has tried to navigate her grief. Maya’s lips are warm and soft against hers, and the kiss sparks a fleeting desire in her. She has missed the intimacy that comes so easily to them and even though Carina doesn’t feel ready for a night of passion, she enjoys the sweet sensation that courses through her body.

“Okay?” she whispers when they break apart, hoping that her words and her kiss have reminded Maya that what they have is special.

“Yeah,” Maya says quietly.

“Good.”

“But if you… if you wanted to keep making your point…”

Carina laughs as she pulls her in for another kiss. Maya’s arms circle her waist and pull her close, leaving no space between them. When their lips part, she keeps her forehead resting against Maya’s, their noses squished together.

“I love you so much,” Carina says. She will say it every day from now on, she resolves; never wanting her loved ones to doubt her feelings in case it is the last time they hear it. “I’ll never have the words to explain how grateful I am for you, for everything you’ve done for me. But I wouldn’t have got through it without you.”

She runs her thumb over Maya’s lips tenderly, tracing where she has just kissed her.

“I love you too,” Maya says. “You’re stronger than you think, you know. But you don’t have to do any of this alone. I’ll do whatever you need, for as long as you need it, okay?”

It is easy to believe her. Carina smiles before burying her face into Maya’s neck, her short blonde hair tickling her cheek. Her hands grasp Maya’s jacket and she feels her arms tighten around her back. She knows she should get home to their house guest, but she isn’t ready to let go. Not yet.