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There’s something different in the air tonight, something neither french fry grease nor summer haze can hide. They’re both aware of it, even if neither of them want to be the first one to bring it up.
“Busy summer, huh?” Renjun tries, and it’s painful to have this kind of inane conversation with someone he should be able to trust with his most intimate thoughts.
For once, Yukhei’s ever-present grin is nowhere near his face. It’s unsettling to see him like this, lips slightly pursed and eyes intent on the burger in his hands when normally he wouldn’t be able to tear his eyes away from Renjun’s face. Finally, he sighs and puts the food down.
“Can we not do this?” Yukhei leans in, and suddenly that strong gaze is on Renjun again, but not in the way he wants. For once, Renjun can’t read his intention, and the unfamiliarity tightens a hold around his neck a little more. “Can we not pretend that everything is okay? Because it isn’t.”
Renjun swallows. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Yukhei laughs quietly, mirthlessly. “Yeah, well, neither do I.” He leans back into his side of the booth, away from Renjun, and even that tiny separation tugs tightly at Renjun’s heart. “I know you’re hiding something from me,” Yukhei continues, one hand coming up to run frustratedly through his hair. “I just don’t understand why you don’t trust me enough to tell me about it.”
His throat is dry. “I’m not hiding anything from you.”
Yukhei snorts bitterly. “Then you’re lying to yourself, too.”
Renjun wants to protest it, but the honesty rising up like bile in his throat stops his words. He’s lying to them both, and he knows it, but it’d only make things worse if he let everything bubble up past his lips. So he doesn’t.
“I think,” and the sudden softness in his boyfriend’s tone has him on edge. “I think we need a break. If you don’t feel safe enough to tell me why you’re hurting, if we can’t trust each other the way we’ve promised, I can’t see this being good for our relationship.” And Renjun wants to protest, wants to shout out so badly, but the steel in Yukhei’s eyes is brittle as glass, and he has no one but himself to blame.
“I, I don’t,” Renjun starts. He doesn’t want to lose him like this, he can’t lose him like this, but Yukhei deserves better than his vast sea of insecurities. He always has.
The large hand rubbing softly over both of his mutes the words in his throat. “I’m not leaving you forever,” Yukhei replies soothingly, and it hurts that even now it’s still Renjun being supported, even now when he doesn’t deserve it at all. “I just think that if I’m making it difficult for you to come to terms with something, maybe me not being around too often would help you gain a new perspective.
“I’m still going to be here. When you’re ready to talk.”
Renjun wants to promise the same, wants to protest, a thousand different replies whirling in his mind, none of them willing to fall past his lips. “Okay,” he concedes. “I’ll do that.” Lies upon lies.
“I love you, Huang Renjun.” Yukhei’s gaze is intent once more, with none of the earlier darkness brooding under his lashes. “I’ve never loved anyone the same way I feel about you, and I will probably never love anyone else the same way again. Never, ever, ever forget that. We promised that we would be there for each other, and that will never change. But sometimes, that means I need to be there for you from a little further away. It’s up to you to call me back, but I’ll be there as soon as you’re ready.”
It’s a sweet declaration, just unfortunate that Renjun would never be able to talk to him the way he’s being asked to. Because as soon as he spills his truth to Yukhei, he’d lose him forever. Renjun manages an acquiescing nod in reply. Because that’s what Yukhei expects. Because that’s what Yukhei deserves.
For the first time tonight, Yukhei’s smile is back, a little bittersweet, a little sad, but back all the same. Nothing has ever hurt Renjun more.