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55. 55. 5, 5. Fifty-five. Five five.
Fail. Failure. Not enough. Pitiful. Good-for-nothing. A waste of space.
Jungeun looked at the paper in her hand, unable to control the trembling of her arms. All her time and effort reduced to a disgusting, little 55 , two squiggly lines on a piece of white paper. She bowed to the teacher, barely listening to her advice and left the room, closing the door gently.
You’re a failure. What did you think would happen, huh? Did you actually think you could do it?
She walked down the hall, clenching her fist into a ball and rose it to her mouth. She bit her fingers, trying her hardest not to let her tears fall down.
It’s just a Spanish test. You don’t even care about Spanish. If you can fail a dumb Spanish test, you’ll be sure to fail the rest of your classes.
She pushed open a door and jumped down the steps, one by one, counting to some number that was still below 60.
What are you even doing here? This town doesn’t want you. No one cares about you. You just suck, Jungeun. You’re trash, just like the dead fish that float in the river. All you do is waste money and time. You’ll never succeed.
An icy gust of wind ruffled her hair, and she clutched her coat, pushing the collar up. She jogged across the parking lot and climbed up another stack of stairs, in concrete this time.
A fucking 55. This bitch gave you a fucking 55. You should have known better than this. You should just quit if you suck that much.
The ground was icier than she thought, and her boots didn’t have any studs. She carefully walked on the asphalt path leading to the cafeteria, looking down when people walked past so she could hide her tears and finally reached the door. This time, she climbed two flights of stairs to get to the 4th floor, where the elevator was. Living on campus was useful to be on time for her classes, but that was the only good thing about it. She fished for the card in her pocket, trying to unlock the elevator door, but the trembling had only worsened. She dropped it and cursed, crouching to retrieve it.
“Let me get that for you.”
Jungeun looked to her right, where another girl was standing. She was wearing a black cap and a yellow coat, paired with jeans and white shoes. She pushed her long black hair out of her view and pressed her card on the little magnetic box, who beeped at the contact. The girl opened the door and smiled.
“Thanks,” Jungeun whispered, and she walked through.
She stepped into the elevator, and the girl followed, pressing on the number 9. That was also her floor number. The metallic doors closed and Jungeun closed her eyes, pushing her body into the corner.
You can’t even get over it, huh? You suck so much you can’t even smile back at someone nice. You’re a piece of shit, Jungeun.
She was a failure. The pull of gravity stopped, and the door opened. Jungeun bolted out and skipped to her door, turning the handle and quickly entered her room. She dropped her backpack on the ground and stood still, listening to the sounds in the hallway. Footsteps echoing towards her side and past, the sound of a door opening and closing, then finally silence. When she was sure no one was around, all her pent up emotions from the whole semester came rushing out, and Jungeun slammed her fist on her bed.
“A fucking 55,” she whisper-shouted, raw anger deforming the delicate traits of her face. “Minus 30 percent because I couldn’t answer one question? This is a fucking joke! I could have passed with 5 points!”
The walls were rather thin, so every movement was slowed down and calculated so she could smash things as silently as possible. Every word was almost impossible to hear.
“How long am I going to waste my time like this? Why did I even come here? I don’t have any friends, I don’t do anything, ever, I can’t even cook properly or eat decently! Fuck this, fuck this shit!”
She placed her pillow on her bed and lowed her arm halfway before hitting down, crushing the feathers inside with her balled fist. Ugly tears rolled down her cheek in a stream-like manner, her face boiling red with repressed screams she kept in her throat. She pushed her backpack even further away and got rid of her coat and boots and stood in front of her tiny cabinet mirror, looking at her own face.
She had never wanted to be here. Jungeun didn’t want to learn about prokaryotic organisms, memorize the entire periodic table or measure the length of a cow’s optic nerve. Jungeun wanted to sing. She wanted to live on the stage and give outstanding performances with a group of her own. She wanted to be free, not trapped in a hospital.
She looked horrible. Her makeup was running, as well as her nose. Her eyes were bloodshot, and tears were still coming out. Her long nails had long since pierced the skin on her hands and blood was dripping down her fingers, staining her bed sheet and her floor. In a moment of pure disgust and shame, she sat down on her bed and brought a pillow to her face to cover the sound of her sobbing.
She was sick of waiting til 9 every night just to be sure no one was in the kitchen. She was tired of having to do her classmates’ homework in group projects. She disgusted herself by being so afraid to wake up her neighbour that she couldn’t brush her teeth before going to bed at 1 am because she scrolled through Twitter for 4 hours. She was tired of having anxiety and depression meltdowns every week.
Her mother would kill her if she learned about her grade. Jungeun had always been afraid of her, afraid of what she would do if she failed anything. Ever since college started, Jungeun had changed, growing incapable of ignoring the pain in her chest. It hurt so much to be so afraid that she had to push everything she loved aside to follow orders from her mother.
A singer? Are you serious? Get that out of your head, fool, you could never be one! There’s no way you could be successful with a lowly job like that!
But what about Jinsoul? She-
Do not speak of this person. She tarnished her family name with her delusions. You will not become like her.
Jinsoul followed her dream! What is she, if not brave?
The Devil.
The sobs rocking her body were making it hard to breathe. She finally set her pillow aside and slid to the ground, but she hit her elbow on a plate on the side of the counter. It fell to the ground, exploding into pieces at her feet.
No one cares about you, stupid. Even life doesn’t. You’ll just wander around until you’re 25 and kill yourself with pills like the loser you are.
She started crying again, but she bent over and started picking up the bigger pieces of ceramic. A knock on her door startled her, and she dropped the pieces, shattering some even more. She got up, her anger making its way back and she opened the door, rubbing her forehead with her hand.
“Can I help you?” She asked in a dry tone, not even bothering to look up.
“Hi, uh, my name’s Hyunjin, we kinda met earlier. I heard a concerning sound coming from your room. I hope you’re alright?”
Jungeun peeked through her fingers. It was the girl from earlier, who was now just in a white t-shirt and her jeans. The girl pushed her mouth to the side and frowned.
“Oh fuck, that looks like a mess.”
“Yeah, I um… I was…”
Jungeun rubbed the bridge of her nose harder to try to stop the tears from coming back, but she had to press her palms to her eyes to block the girl from seeing.
“Oh my God, are you crying? I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean that your room was a mess, just that when plates shatter they make tiny little shards everywhere. I work in a restaurant, I know that kind of stuff, you know?”
“No, it’s ok, I just had a bad day.”
Jungeun sniffed and breathed in, rubbing her palms on her eyes some more. A hand slowly pressed on her shoulder and then another one on her upper back, then Jungeun dug her head in the crook of the girl’s neck while she hugged her, rubbing her back. They stood together under the door frame, the taller girl resting her chin on her head. After a few moments, Hyunjin sat her on the bed and crouched to the ground, picking up the pieces of ceramic and gathering the smaller ones with her hand, pinching them to her other hand. She ran down the hall and threw them in the common trash bin and came back running again. She stopped at the doorframe, seemingly realizing something.
“Sorry, you just looked like you needed a hug.”
“U-uh well…. Thanks,” Jungeun mumbled, quickly looking down to hide the growing blush on her cheeks.
Hyunjin smiled and scratched the back of her head.
“If you wanna talk, I’m just next door? Or I could stay… if you want? I don’t know what to do.”
“Um, I’ll be fine, thank you.”
“Aight, cool! I’m gonna eat in two hours, and I kinda have too much for one, so you can join me! I’m new here, I don’t have a ton of friends that live on campus.”
Jungeun tensed up at the mention of the kitchen, but refusing a given opportunity would only make things worse. Besides, the girl had done something really nice. And she was pretty.
“Uh-yeah, I’d like that.”
“Epic. I’ll knock on your door then!”
Hyunjin smiled and waved as she walked over to her room. Jungeun smiled too and closed her door once she was gone. She looked back at the mirror and grimaced. It was a pitiful scene, but at least she wasn’t breaking shit anymore. However, fear slowly crept up her mind, invading her thoughts and cold paralyzed her body. If she became friends with Hyunjin, would she find out who she really was? Would she be cast away and forced to return to step one?
Since you want to be rebellious, you’ll move out to the city! I don’t want to hear any more of your whining!
Mother, please, you can’t do this-
Oh, I will! It’s already done, actually. Maybe when you’re alone, you will learn a thing or two about what it’s like to work hard.
Mother, I beg you! Times have changed, I promise I won’t end up in the street!
Are you questioning my words? You will study medicine and become a doctor just like your father and me, and that’s my final word!
Maybe she should just run away.
***
Why did you accept that invitation? She did it out of pity, she knows you suck. She knows about the 55. She knows. She’s mocking you! Get away!
“Can you pass me the kimchi?”
“H-here.”
“Thanks!”
Hyunjin dumped the whole thing into a pot and started stirring with a spoon. The kitchen was empty except for the two, which was a reassuring environment for Jungeun. Her social anxiety was so high that any sign of movement down the hall made her heart beat faster, and she scooted closer to Hyunjin. During their time cooking together, she had learned that she was a first-year studying in music. She wanted to become a producer, but her parents wanted her to finish school before she could work.
Jungeun always hated cooking, going as far as to order chicken almost every day of the week, but doing it with Hyunjin felt different. They were talking and making jokes, and the mood was light. It felt like high school again when she had her friends.
Footsteps suddenly echoed down the hall and kept coming closer and closer, making Jungeun tense up. She looked out the window and balled her fists together, hoping the person would go away.
“What’s up fuckface!”
“Fuck off, Heejin!” Hyunjin yelled back.
A loud noise came from the door, and Jungeun looked at the reflection in the window. A girl wearing a bucket hat had dragged a chair and sat on it, trying to peek over Hyunjin’s shoulder.
“What are you making?”
“Fried rice with kimchi. Want some?”
“No, I’m good. I’m gonna go eat out with Yeojin in a few minutes.”
“Too bad for you, then! Jungeun, can you pass me the rice?”
Jungeun left the comfort of the window and slid the bowl to Hyunjin. Strangely, Hyunjin’s face was all red, as if the heat of the dish had burned it. The new girl got up and extended her hand, smiling at her. Jungeun panicked and froze, staring at the hand.
“Hey, nice to meet you! I’ve never seen you before, right? I’m Heejin!”
“J-Jungeun. Hi.”
“What is a pretty girl like you doing with a loser like Hyunjin?”
“Hey! What did you say, huh?”
Hyunjin hit her with the end of her wooden spoon, and Heejin squeaked, jumping away. Jungeun smiled as they played around. It reminded her of days with her friends, just acting careless and enjoying life.
“Imma head out, see you guys later! Jungeun, are you on the 9?”
“Yeah. Right, um, next to Hyunjin.”
“Nice! I’m just over there, right next to the kitchen,” she said, pointing out the door to a closed dorm door. “Hyunjin’s jealous cuz I’m closer to the food!”
“Am not!” The girl replied, still looking away while stirring.
“Well anyway, see you around!”
She waved as she left and Jungeun did the same, a small smile creeping up her face. She seemed like a really nice girl. Something poked her back, and she turned around to a smiling Hyunjin handing her a bowl.
“Let’s dig in!”
***
They’re all watching you, you know. You have something on your face. They know about the 55. They saw you cry like a baby. Do you really think any of them would willingly become your friend? Why be friends with a failure? You should just kill-
Jungeun exhaled loudly, lightly hitting her temples a few times. The only times she met Hyunjin was either in the hallway when she went to the bathroom or when they took the elevator. They studied in two different buildings, the science department being at the bottom of the hill their campus was built upon, hence why Jungeun was surprised to find the girl sitting in the common room. She was sitting alone bent over multiple sheets of paper, biting the end of a pencil. Jungeun smiled when she scrunched her nose and dropped the pencil, sighing loudly and attracting gazes from other students. Even in a constant state of depression and anxiety, Jungeun could still see that Hyunjin was very pretty. Her jet black hair fell like a waterfall on her shoulders, and the way her eyes formed half-moons when she was smiling was simply adorable.
“You should go talk to her.”
Jungeun jumped in surprise and looked to her right, where a girl was standing. She had a small grin on her face, which contrasted with her goth appearance.
“Uh- w-what?”
“You should go talk to this girl. You’ve been starring for a few minutes, and I think she noticed.”
“Wait, no, that’s not-“
She was right. When she looked back at the common room, Hyunjin was waving at her and smiling. Jungeun blushed and looked at the ground, slapping a hand on her face, which prompted the stranger to laugh.
“You’re pretty funny. My name’s Hyejoo. Good luck with that.”
She knows about the 55. She knows about the 55.
Shut up.
She walked past Jungeun and continued towards the bio class. During that time, Hyunjin had gotten up from her seat and stood next to her, smiling.
“Hey! What are you up to?”
“Oh, um, nothing much… just going home-“
“Do you know anything about music?”
Jungeun blinked a few times and frowned.
“I can read sheet music and play the violin?”
“That’s so cool! Can you help me with something, then?” She pleaded, making puppy eyes.
Jungeun was suddenly taken aback from such cuteness, and she gave in, following Hyunjin to her seat. The girl was bent over a few blank music sheets, with only one filled up with music notes. Hyunjin leaning back on the chair and sighed loudly, once again attracting attention to herself.
“I just don’t know what to do.”
“What are you trying to do?” Jungeun asked, trying to get a better look at the sheet music.
“I’m trying not to be cringe, but whatever I do, it ends up becoming cringe!”
Hyunjin put her hands on her head and grimaced. Jungeun focused her attention back on the music, noticing lyrics under the notes.
“Are you writing a song?”
“Yeah… well, I’m trying.”
“Is it for a class?”
“No…”
“For someone, then?”
Hyunjin’s cheeks suddenly became pink, and the girl cleared her throat. She’s embarrassed, Jungeun realized. It was unusual to see her in such a state, which alarmed the older woman. Jungeun knew she was building up her reputation by taking small contracts from people on campus. Maybe Hyunjin got a request she couldn’t handle and was now in trouble! Jungeun wasn’t so strong, but she wanted to defend her friend with everything she had, including with the plastic snow shovel in her car.
“It’s for Heejin.”
Ohhhhhh. So that was why she didn’t want to sound cringe. Jungeun grinned and smacked her hand on Hyunjin’s back, effectively startling her friend.
“Ouch! What was that for?”
“Writing a love song isn’t cringe at all! Heejin is in visual arts, right? She would love it, trust me!”
“As if,” Hyunjin sighed. “Ever since we were kids, we laughed at the multiple ways to confess, love songs being number one, but here I am writing one! Total cringe!”
“Opinions can change. I’m just more surprised that you don’t seem to be afraid of rejection.”
Hyunjin blinked a few times, then smacked her hand on her head again.
“Oh no, what if she rejects me?”
Jungeun rolled her eyes and leaned back on her seat, but she couldn’t help but smile. She was well placed to understand how Hyunjin felt. A few years ago, she had hesitated so long to confess herself, afraid to miss her shot that her mother had found out about it and scolded her so much she had just abandoned the idea. Jungeun remembered the bitter feeling when she burned her own sheet music, the lyrics floating up into the sky.
Y eah, remember? You’re such a scaredy-cat, Jungeun. You couldn’t do it then, why would you succeed now, huh? Leave her alone, she doesn’t want your help.
“You won’t get rejected, I’ll make sure of it. The only thing you have to do is muster the courage to sing her the song.”
Hyunjin looked at her, stars shining in her eyes. Jungeun smiled, feeling as though she was Hyunjin herself, still madly in love.
“You promise?”
“Promise.”
***
Don’t open it, Jungeun. You’ll be in big trouble. Ignore it, do your physics homework, don’t open it don’t open it don’t open it-
Jungeun clicked on the notification and was brought to a text conversation between her and her best friend. It had been some time since both of them had talked to each other, hence why Jungeun’s anxiety was sky-rocketing.
-Hey Jungie! I’m throwing a party in a few weeks, wanna come? Are you free on the 28th?
Jungeun breathed in sharply. A party. At Jinsoul’s house. Memories flashed before her eyes, of a girl crying and another yelling, and eyes stuck on her. Jungeun shook her head and thought about it for a few seconds. Her hometown, where Jinsoul also lived, was a few hours away from her college. The 28th was a Saturday and not during her lecture week, so her mother would not suspect her to be back. It had been such a long time since she had seen Jinsoul, she couldn’t say no, right?
-Who’s gonna be there?
-Well, I gotta babysit my sister, so her. Then some of my friends from the company! Oh, and invite your friends too, I want to meet them! Also some people from high school.
Jungeun’s grip on her cellphone tightened. High school friends meant potential trouble for her. Jinsoul wouldn’t invite those people, though. Right?
-I’ll come.
-Awesome!!! I’m so glad! I’ve been so busy with training and exams, I hardly even texted you
-Same as I.
-Oh yeah! Science stuff must be extra hard…
-Don’t worry, I’m doing fine
Lie. Such an enormous lie wouldn’t possibly go undetected… right?
-Glad to hear! You were always the best, anyway!
Jungeun dropped her phone on her bed and looked out the window. The rain had been pouring since early afternoon, reflecting her mood of the day. Her cellphone dinged, but she didn’t bother to open it. She was tired of lying.
***
That’ll never work. She’s sure to attract unwanted attention. Why are you helping her? What are you doing here?
She’s my friend.
AS IF! People hate you, Jungeun. Why don’t you just ditch school, huh? Bring shame to your family, while you’re at it!
“You really don’t go small, do you? What if people start looking at you?” Jungeun said, rubbing her temples.
“Heejin likes attention, she’ll totally enjoy this!” Hyunjin replied, proudly putting her hands on her hips.
Jungeun tried not to sigh at the sight of her friend up on an outdoor stage all prepped up with a mic and speakers and an electric keyboard. Hyunjin was actually going to sing her song in front of the whole campus. Jungeun had tried to warn her that it might scare Heejin away, but Hyunjin had ignored her and rented everything herself. Speaking of the devil, Hyunjin was setting down a little stool for her to sit on during the performance and adjusting the mic carefully.
“I told her to be here for one o’clock, but she has a test at the same time.”
“Then why?”
“If she comes, I’ll know that she loves me. I’ll just have to repay her the favour,” Hyunjin explained.
Not a bad idea, Jungeun thought. She could see that Hyunjin had quite a bit of courage to execute such a plan, which could quickly go wrong any moment. Jungeun looked down at her cellphone. 12:58. She looked at the arts department, but sure enough, people were running in and staying in. Hyunjin was still happily whistling, waiting for her best friend to join her in the cold weather of this November day. Hyunjin was sitting on her stool, her fingers drumming over the keys, anxiously looking at the doors.
The bell rang, and Heejin wasn’t there.
Jungeun looked back at her friend, her heart breaking at the apparent disappointment on Hyunjin face.
“You better have a good reason for making me ditch this test! This was gonna my second try!”
Heejin was standing over the ledge of the concrete wall behind them, shooting them a peace sign.
“You came!”
“Of course I came! What is all that? Are you doing a concert for us? Oh my God!”
She disappeared for a few seconds before reappearing at the bottom of the stairs, then ran at them laughing. She stopped next to Jungeun and grabbed her by the shoulders, effectively shaking her like a piñata.
“You two sneaky little bastards! Couldn’t you have waited after that damn test?”
“Actually…”
Hyunjin cleared her throat and glanced at Jungeun, who grinned and nodded. Hyunjin nodded back and looked at Heejin, a broad smile on her face.
“I wanted to sing a song for you, Heejin.”
“Aw, you’re self-conscious! We could have done it after class, dummy!” Heejin exclaimed.
“No, this is different. I need you to listen carefully, ok? And don’t laugh at me!”
Heejin became serious and glanced at Jungeun, who just shrugged, trying her best to contain her laughter. Heejin had passed the test. All was left was for Hyunjin to tell her how she felt. Jungeun sat down, soon followed by Heejin while Hyunjin breathed in and started signing.
(Around You English lyrics)
You’ll come again today, without fail
What will happen when I see you?
I’m careful waiting but I’m not expecting anything
Of course, Jungeun had heard the songs a few times now, but the emotions weaved through this version were so… raw. Jungeun couldn’t help but slack her jaw, not knowing that Hyunjin could appear this vulnerable.
I’m just blankly staring at you then I leave
From far away, I wish you would only look at me
The med student glanced at Heejin, who was just staring at her friend, her face stoic, but her eyes filled with many thoughts.
Hey you, do you know my heart? These days, I’m like a child every day
Hiding as I look at you
You, are you hearing my words? I’m still not brave yet
So I’m silently leaving again
Jungeun closed her eyes and listened to Hyunjin’s voice, rocking herself to the longing lyrics. Hyunjin’s voice was trembling, but it didn’t stop her from going on, carefully pressing the keys to form a beautiful melody. Jungeun couldn’t help but imagine herself in Hyunjin’s place, with all her courage gathered to confess to the woman she once, and still, loved. If only things were different, if not for her family, she could be free. If only she loved her back.
Why would she love you back? You never showed her any interest. Relationships are pointless, you know that, Jungeun. Or at least that’s what you tell yourself, huh, coward? You freak.
Hey you, do you know my heart? These days, I’m like a child every day
Stealing glances at you and running away
You, are you hearing my words? I’m still not brave yet
So I’m silently leaving again
The sound of the keyboard fell flat, and Jungeun carefully opened her eyes. A little crowd had formed a few meters away from them, all of them curiously looking at Hyunjin. The poor girl was taking her breath, looking down to cover her blush. Next to her, Heejin rose to her feet and put her face in her hands, not saying a word.
“Heejin, ever since I’ve known you, I knew you were going to be a big part of my life. I love being your best friend, I love how artist you are, I love that you do everything to follow your dreams, I love that you care so much about others and sometimes forget to put yourself first. Jeon Heejin, I love every part of you. I wanted you to know how I feel. Today, I have to tell you that I wish to be more than friends.”
Heejin sniffed loudly and rubbed her eyes overflowing with tears, trying her best to gather a bit of air to respond.
“What about- what about your family? I thought you-you said-“
“You are my family, Heejin,” Hyunjin answered, smiling at her. “I’d give up everything to be with you. And anyway, it’s not like they’re paying for my stuff. Gotta love bursaries.”
Everyone waited for Heejin to say something, but instead, the girl made her way to the stage and stood next Hyunjin waiting anxiously. Heejin carefully put her fingers under Hyunjin’s chin, lifting it up just enough so they were directly looking at each other, and kissed her.
Jungeun let the air gathered in her lungs all at once, her stress vanishing all at once. The crowd cheered them, and the duo quickly separated, Hyunjin raising her fist in the air and laughing. Jungeun smiled, proud of her friend.
***
You’re a coward, Kim Jungeun.
I know.
She had always tried to look away from her past self, to ignore people she once called friends, forgot parts about herself, but she couldn’t deny it no more. Hyunjin made her realize that she pushed the blame on others instead of focusing on herself. Blaming her parents and the world did nothing but keep her in a state of in-between, perpetually pitying herself.
She looked down at her cellphone, Jinsoul’s invitation flashing on her screen. It was up to her to confront the demons of her past. She put her cellphone in her pocket, grabbed her car keys and locked the door behind her, heading to the store to buy a big bottle of wine.
***
Run! Run! Leave this place, quick, or she’ll know you’re here! Why did you come, idiot? RUN!
I can’t-
Run away! Run away!
“Turn left at the giant bushes over there.”
Of course, Jungeun hadn’t told her mother and she never will. If she knew where she was, she would be just as good as dead. She rubbed her temples again, trying her best to calm her headache.
“This house looks pretty rad. Thanks for inviting me.”
“No problem, Hyunjin.”
The younger girl stopped the car and got out, quickly followed by Jungeun. The driveway was big enough to host at least seven vehicles, and a few were already there. Jungeun led the way to the familiar house, guiding Hyunjin along the narrow path to the front deck. The loud music could already be heard from outside, the beat of Poker Face by Lady Gaga making the door vibrate. Hyunjin jumped up and down, doing a few jumping jacks.
“Seems like the party is already going! Let’s get in, it’s freezing!”
Jungeun nodded and opened the screen door, then the other door. People were blocking the entrance, but when they noticed her, they all jumped to her side.
“Holy shit Jungie! It’s been so long!”
“You’re here! I couldn’t wait to see you, oh my God!”
“Oh my God, Jungeun is here, go get her!”
“Hey guys!” She answered, hugging and smiling.
She walked in, followed by Hyunjin, who started getting rid of her coat. One girl took a step in her direction, smiling widely.
“Is that Hyunjin?”
“Yeah, it’s me! Nice to meet you…” Hyunjin started, then stopped, tilting her head to the side.
“I’m Chaewon! I’m glad our Jungie here is making some friends!”
“Alright, mom ,” Jungeun replied, smacking the girl on the arm.
She pulled Hyunjin along to the kitchen, yelling at others to come to meet her. Jungeun met her pleading gaze and poked her tongue out, shaking her head. She smiled as her friend gasped at the cat perched on the counter, but she was pulled out of her thoughts when a familiar face crossed her eyesight.
“You made it. I’m so glad you’re here.”
“Me too, Jinsoul.”
The older girl took a step forward and smiled at her. She had dyed her hair back to black, which was a breath of fresh air after her whole high school years being blonde.
“I saw my sister dragging your friend. Was that Hyunjin?”
“Yep, the real, the unique.”
Jinsoul chuckled, and Jungeun’s heart filled with warmth. It had been so long since she had heard her best friend laugh.
“How are you handling moving out and living alone?”
“To be honest, it’s the worst moment of my life.”
Jungeun knew she could tell her anything, even the more intimate parts. Jinsoul was looking at her with sadness filling her eyes, and she hugged her, petting her head.
“We can talk in private when you want. Just give me the look, and we’ll go upstairs.”
“Thanks. Maybe later?”
“Alright.”
Jinsoul smiled and walked away, greeting her other guests. Jungeun took a big breath and put her hands on her hips. If she was at a party, might as well enjoy herself, right?
***
Yeah, maybe confronting the demons of her past wasn’t such a great idea. Jungeun had locked herself in the bathroom and was quickly downing her glass of whiskey, trying to gather some courage. She couldn’t possibly hide in the bathroom the whole time.
Fantastic job, idiot.
Not now, please.
You knew it was bound to happen, and now you decide to be a coward again? Where’s mighty Jungeun now, huh?
I need more time.
Times up, bitch! You’re in the eye of the storm! You threw away almost two years of your life! This is your last chance. Don’t you fucking dare waste it.
A knock at the door suddenly pulled her out of her thoughts, and a faint voice echoed from the other side, mixing with the crazy music.
“Is someone in there?”
“Just a minute!” She squeaked, cursing herself.
“Jungeun? It’s Hyunjin! You good in there, buddy?”
The med student quickly ran to the door to unlock it and pulled Hyunjin inside, making sure slam the door and lock it again.
“What-“
“I don’t know what to do.”
Hyunjin sat next to her, almost falling in the process. Her cheeks were slightly flushed, and Jungeun could tell she was a bit drunk. Hyunjin leaned back on the closet and frowned but with only one eyebrow.
“What’s going on?”
Jungeun put her glass on the ceramic floor and sighed. They were all there, on the other side of the door. All four of them. She was paralyzed with fear, incapable of going outside. Her heart was pounding in her chest, her hands were shaking, and the voice in her head wouldn’t leave her alone.
“Do you want to leave?”
Coward.
“No.”
“Can I help you, then?” Hyunjin asked, putting a hand on her shoulder.
“You need to force me to go outside of the bathroom.”
Hyunjin blinked a few times, then frowned.
“What?”
“Grab me and push me out of this bathroom. Even if I change my mind halfway,” Jungeun added, her voice trembling.
“Are you sure-“
“Please, do it.”
Aww, little Jungeun needs help to talk to them! Little baby Jungeun is scared, isn’t she? You never had any courage, you’ll run away the moment you see them.
“Alright! Give me your hand then!”
Hyunjin pulled her up and immediately, Jungeun tried to escape her grip, a wave of panic hitting her like a block.
“Wait, I’m not ready-“
“Sorry, Jungie, you gotta go!”
“No, wait, Hyunjin please!” She begged, her feet slowly getting closer to the door.
Hyunjin ignored her and unlocked the door, and pushing her hardest against Jungeun’s arms pushing back, managed to swing her into the living room. Hyunjin closed the door behind her as Jungeun gradually calmed down.
“You’re out! Now go do it, queen!”
“Thanks, Hyun.”
“Kim Jungeun, is that really you?”
The voice froze her in place, and she glanced around to see if anyone was staring. Everybody at the party was somewhat drunk, and for the moment, nothing terrible had happened. She would have to bring this outside. The woman standing in front of her had changed. Her hair was now cut short and dyed a dark red colour, and her style had evolved into a more unique grunge look.
“Sooyoung.”
“What the hell are you doing here?”
Her tone was accusatory, which was to be expected. Still, Jungeun flinched. Sooyoung was shooting her daggers and probably cussing her out in her head. Jungeun couldn’t blame her. She gulped, trying her best to sound confident.
“I came to talk to you. To all of you.”
“A bit late, don’t you think?”
“Let’s go outside. I don’t want to ruin anyone’s night.”
Sooyoung quickly opened her mouth, but she closed it without saying anything. She turned around and disappeared into the party, which finally gave Jungeun a chance to breathe.
“Should I leave?” Hyunjin asked, still leaning on the bathroom door.
Her face was scrunched in confusion, but her eyes were filled with worry. Jungeun tried her best to reassure her with a smile, but it had the totally opposite effect, as her friend put her hand on her arm and squeezed it.
“Actually, can you… just stay close, on the other side of the door? It has a screen.”
“Of course.”
Jungeun nodded and slowly made her way to the back of the house, towards the deck. Sooyoung was already in front of the door, talking to a smaller woman while holding her hand.
Jiwoo, she thought. The girl had her long dark hair tied into a ponytail and was wearing a cute peach dress. She met her gaze, and Jiwoo stopped talking, like surprised. Jungeun nodded and pushed the screen door, now engulfed in the cold air of November 28th. Sooyoung and Jiwoo followed her, and Hyunjin stayed back, glancing at her through the screen.
The trio stayed silent, and Jungeun’s anxiety raised by the minute.
“Where are-“
“They’re coming,” Sooyoung interrupted, her glare harsh on her.
Jungeun gulped and nodded, lowering her eyes to the floor.
Now what? You think they’ll just talk to you like before? They hate you, Jungeun.
I know. I know all that. But I accept it. Tonight, I’m finally doing the right thing.
“Sorry, someone dropped a glass, and we helped clean up,” another familiar voice said.
Jungeun looked up to see two women opening the door and walk out into the deck. One had short shoulder-length brown hair while the other had long, orange wavy hair. Both glanced at Jungeun and frowned.
“Jungeun.”
“Kahei.”
“Why are you here?” Haseul asked, pointing her finger at her.
“I came to apologize.”
Kahei snorted while Sooyoung just exploded into full-blown laughter, slapping her own thigh. Jiwoo didn’t say anything, but her eyes became watery with tears while Haseul tsked and crossed her arms on her chest.
“You came to apologize? For dumping us years ago?”
“Yes.”
“You can’t be serious,” Kahei added, a mocking grin stretching on her face. “Do you really think we’ll just accept and go back to before?”
Jungeun shook her head and clenched her fists. She knew what she did was unforgivable, but she still hoped that they would all remain civilized and go on their own paths after this.
“I should have said something. I stabbed you guys in the back and left without a word. I’m sorry.”
“Jungeun, what you did was worse than that,” Jiwoo said, finally speaking.
She looked so… sad, exactly like that last day in high school, when she had lied to them and pushed them away.
“You abandoned your dream so… quickly, without a second thought,” Jiwoo continued, clenching her fists. “Just days before, we were talking about what to name our group, inventing dance formations, laughing together as we pretended to give speeches in front of a million people. You threw all that away, and for what? To get a PhD in medicine? You hated everything about that! What happened, Jungie? What happened to you?”
Jungeun bit bottom lip, but the tears filled her eyes and started falling on her cheeks. Jiwoo had been her best friend since elementary school, and she was the person Jungeun had hurt the most.
“You threw us out in the trash!” Jiwoo exclaimed, raising the tone of her voice. “Why? All I want to know is why, Jungeun?”
“You might think that we hate you,” Sooyoung added. She looked her up and down and shook her head. “We pity you, Jungeun.”
“You could have come clean years ago, explain your fears to us, and we would have done everything to help you,” Kahei said, poison twisted in her words. “But you left. You left, Jungeun. We waited for so long…”
She shook her head and took a step closer to her, and Jungeun winced, waiting for some kind of hit.
“I’m sorry-“
“You’re not sorry,” Kahei interrupted. “If you really were, you would have never abandoned us.”
“I didn’t want to hurt you. When I decided to become a doctor, I know you would be disappointed in me and try to bring me back. I didn’t want you guys to think that-“
Slap.
Jungeun inhaled sharply, her wide eyes looking at Haseul with surprise. She lowered her hand back to her side as Jungeun brushed the skin of her cheek.
“You broke our hearts, Jungeun. But worse, you broke hers. For years, we were rooting for you, and she was waiting. But that day, you turned around and left us all. You left her too. Even if you think you didn’t, you did.”
“Ok, that’s enough.”
Hyunjin had walked out into the deck and stood in front of Jungeun, glaring at the women standing in front of her. Jungeun grabbed her shirt, trying to get her to step back, but Hyunjin didn’t move.
“She came to apologize, and she did, right? Leave her alone.”
“Who are you?” Kahei asked, taking a step in her direction menacingly.
“Her friend.”
“Her friend!” Sooyoung exclaimed incredulously. “If she was your friend, she wouldn’t blatantly lie to you. Just ask her why she ‘decided’ to become a doctor. She won’t be able to tell you.”
“Hyunjin, let’s just go.”
Jungeun turned around, pulling on Hyunjin’s sleeve when Jiwoo suddenly grabbed her arm and pulled her back.
“Kim Lip!”
Jungeun froze in place.
“That was gonna be your stage name! Mine was Chuu! You abandoned it just like that, without a second thought? I don’t believe it, I don’t believe you!”
“Jiwoo, let her go,” Sooyoung said, pulling her back.
“You’re the worst, Jungeun! I hate you!” Jiwoo yelled, her face deformed by her cries.
Jungeun turned away from them and ran inside, pushing people away from her. She tried to make it to the front door, but the mass of people was pushing her from side to side, like in an ocean filled with debris. She was suffocating, her tears streaming down her face as if she was drowning.
You got what you deserve.
“Jungeun, are you ok?”
“Jinsoul-“
Tears started falling even more, and Jinsoul widened her eyes and took her in her arms, dragging her towards the stairs. Together in silence, they climb up one by one, Jinsoul’s comforting hand softly rubbing her back. When they finally arrived in front of Jinsoul’s room, the woman made her sit on her bed and brought a box of tissue to dry her tears.
“Did you talk to them?”
Jungeun nodded and blew her nose, another sob rocking her body. She deserved it, but it still hurt. Jinsoul continued to rub her back and waited for her to calm down.
“They were really sad when you left, you know,” her friend finally said.
“I know.”
She dried her tears and sighed. Tonight was the last night, her last chance to confess. If not, she would spend the rest of her life in constant sadness and suffering. Jinsoul needed to know.
“Jinsoul, I need to tell you something.”
She sniffed and looked at her directly in the eyes, once again admiring her perfect dark eyes. Long ago, Jungeun had fallen deep, deep in love with Jung Jinsoul. She would spend hours looking at her at lunch, so much that pretty much all her friends caught on. They would tease her, urge her to confess.
When her mother found the song, she had forced her to get rid of it, and it crushed Jungeun, who for a while was incapable of looking at the girl she loved.
“Jinsoul, I’ve loved you for many years now. I was incapable of telling you, my parents even forced me to abandon you, but I ever stopped loving you.”
Wow, was she actually doing it? Right now, while her makeup was running down her face, in a total state of chaos?
“I’m sorry I never told you.”
Jinsoul just smiled, her beautiful eyes now filling up with tears. She was beautiful. Slowly, she put her hand on Jungeun’s arm, and shivers ran down her spine.
“I’ve loved you since I can remember,” Jinsoul confessed, bringing a smile on Jungeun’s lips. “I’ve waited so long for you to finally tell me.”
“But I can’t accept.”
Jungeun froze, her smile falling a little.
“What? But why?”
“I can’t…”
Jinsoul shook her head, one tear rolling down her cheek.
“I can’t love you fully if you just lie to yourself. Tell me the truth, Jungie. I want to hear it from you.”
Jungeun bit the inside of her cheeks, but the tears came flowing back like the dam broke, and she sank her face into her hands.
“I always wanted to be a singer. I was scared of my parents, what they would say, that they would abandon me, that they would push me away from Yerim so I could never see her again. All my life, they’ve chosen what I would do for the rest of forever, without even asking me if I wanted to do so.”
Jinsoul rubbed her hand on her arm and pulled her into a hug, and Jungeun continued to cry, blaming every misfortune she ever had on her parents.
“You can always come back to us, Jungeun. Realize your dream and join us,” Jinsoul pleaded, hugging her tightly against her chest. “Stand up to them, I know you can. Then, I’ll love you with my whole heart.”
“I can’t-”
“You’re strong, Jungeun. I know that you have that strength.”
Jinsoul pushed her away and forced her to look at her, a little smile on her face.
“I’ll come with you. I’ll protect you. Please, stop lying to yourself.”
***
“Are you sure I should be here?” Hyunjin asked, scratching the back of her head while holding the wheel with the other hand.
The trio was sat in Jungeun’s car, heading straight to her parent’s house. Not only was Jungeun currently controlling the rising level of her panic attack, the voice in her head hadn’t shut up since.
As IF they’d listen to you! They control everything about your life, why would they now give it all away? Abandon your dream, you’ll never be successful. You know that artists barely make it in the world, why would Jinsoul be any different?
Holy shit, just shut up!
You better change your mind now, or you’ll end up in the streets like all of them! Your sister won’t be able to look into your eyes at all. Even if you manage to start anew, it’s not like Sooyoung and the others will just willingly take you back instantly.
“The more, the merrier!” Jinsoul exclaimed, leaning over the centre console to smile at her. “Plus, having a few friends to help her will boost her spirits!”
“But that’s kind of y’alls personal business-“
“Nonsense, Hyunjin! Today, we make history! We’ll free Jungie from her demons!”
Hyunjin smiled back and nodded, knocking her fist against Jinsoul’s.
“Right, Jungeun?”
“Yep, absolutely.”
Turn around turn around turn around turn around turn around turn around turn around turn around turn around turn around turn around turn around turn around turn around-
It was getting harder not to fold on herself, the pain in her stomach growing with the minutes. She put a hand over her mouth, forcing herself to swallow the bile piling in her mouth. She was scared shitless. The voice in her head was right- her parents were sure to disown her. They weren’t even homophobic, they just wanted her to start dating after she got her PhD. Oh, and they wanted her to get that said PhD.
Turn around turn around turn around turn around turn around turn around turn around turn around turn around turn around turn around turn around turn around turn around-
Her breaths were becoming shallow, and her vision was starting to fade a bit. She wasn’t ready.
You’re never ready, you’ll never be ready! Abandon like you always do, coward! Coward coward coward coward-
“God, shut up!” She exclaimed out loud, clenching her head.
“What?” Hyunjin asked, glancing at her.
They were turning on her street, the lamppost in front of her childhood home illuminating the driveway and the porch.
“It never shuts up! I can’t make it stop! That stupid little voice in my head!” Jungeun continued crying, clawing at her head.
“Jungeun, stop,” Jinsoul, trying to grab her hands, but the med student was growing more and more confused.
“Let me go! All of you let me go!”
Hyunjin stopped the car abruptly, effectively pulling Jungeun out of her thoughts into reality. She ignored Hyunjin while her gaze slowly focused on her house, and suddenly, her heart stopped.
Jungeun, you need to get away from this place. Right now.
“She’s freaking out, give her a break!”
“She always freaks out when it’s about them!”
“I can’t.”
The two women stopped arguing to look at her, both their eyes opened wide. Jungeun was trembling like a leaf, her face void of any expression except pure horror. Jinsoul’s expression slowly morphed into anger, a dark frown appearing on her delicate features.
“No.”
“Jinsoul, can’t you see it?’ Hyunjin asked. “We can come back another day. She’s not ready-“
“SHE’S NEVER READY! Do you know how long I had to wait for her? I hoped and hoped and hoped, but one day, she gave up! Without even trying!” The woman spat, showing her teeth at Hyunjin.
She leaned over the console and unlocked Jungeun’s door, then tried to push her out. Jungeun’s vision became even more blurry, fading in and out into the darkness. She fell out of the car, deaf to Hyunjin’s screams, and puked on the asphalt.
Run. Leave immediately.
“Oh my God, are you ok?”
Hyunjin was kneeling next to her, helping her hold her hair out of her face while she was gasping for air. When she looked up, Jinsoul was standing in front of her, her arms crossed over her chest and tears flowing out her eyes uncontrollably.
“You can’t even try, can you?”
Jungeun’s shoulders sunk, and with Hyunjin’s help, she managed to get up.
“I-I’m so-sorry…”
“No you aren’t.”
She turned around to point at the white door and sniffed loudly before turning around to look at her.
“Right there. You only have to walk twenty feet, and I could love you for the end of time, we could live our dream together, and you can’t even do it? You choose the blue pill?”
“Jinsoul, that’s enough.”
Hyunjin’s tone was harsh, a critique of the woman’s current state. Her friend dragged her back into the car and closed the door, before going back to talk with the angry woman. Jungeun closed her eyes.
Silence. The voice was giving her a break.
“…she’s not stable. You heard what she said about that voice.”
“The only thing wrong with her is her brain-washed mind! Yeah, her parents are the worst, but she can’t even do anything about it!”
“She should start with therapy, don’t you think? Unlearning all that stuff is harder than it seems.”
“Look, I don’t care anymore. She made her choice.”
More tears rolled out of her eyes, but Jungeun was too worn out to notice. Her choice was made. She chose fear.
Coward.
The backdoor shut hard behind her, making her wince. Jinsoul was sitting in the backseat, silent. Hyunjin made her way to the driver seat and slowly closed the door, making sure that Jungeun was breathing. Hyunjin put the car in drive and drove into the driveway, then backed away, making her way back to Jinsoul’s house.
Right before leaving, Jungeun opened her eyes to find her sister Yerim standing at the end of the driveway in her purple pyjamas, yelling something with her hands around her mouth.
“Jungeun!”
She closed her eyes again and fell back into darkness.
***
The sound of a door slam woke her up, and she sat upright on the car seat, rubbing her forehead. Jinsoul’s silhouette was making her way back to the house, still in party mode. Jinsoul slammed the door behind her again, and only when she disappeared did Jungeun start sobbing. She curled up into a ball while Hyunjin put a hand on her knee, squeezing hard.
“I lost her.”
“She’s angry, but she’ll come back.”
“We both know she won’t. I made my choice.”
“Jungeun, what’s happening here is greater than you think. We need to bring you to the hospital.”
Oh, hospital! Kinda like when psychos start hallucinating! Well, isn’t that neat, Jungeun? You’ll join your real family!
“I’m not a psychopath,” she cried.
“Of course not,” Hyunjin agreed. “But we need to see what that voice is.”
You can’t get rid of me, you never will.
“It doesn’t mean it’s a real voice. It might just be your subconscious talking negatively to you.”
“I’m not a psychopath,” Jungeun repeated.
Hyunjin’s face fell, and she had to look away to hide her tears from her friend. Jungeun looked up at the trees, through which the moon was shining brightly tonight.
Was the light in the mental hospital as beautiful as the light of the moon?