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Nie Mingjue sees what Jiang Cheng’s answer to his confession will be on his face long before he even opens his mouth.
He has known this would be the answer, but the knowledge still doesn’t make it any easier to bear, if he’s being honest.
“I can’t,” Jiang Cheng says and he puts his arms around him as if he needs to protect himself from Nie Mingjue.
That hurts more than the rejection, actually.
“It’s okay,” Nie Mingjue tells him, even though it doesn’t feel like it’s okay, at least not at that moment.
“I just—I mean—I love you, too,” Jiang Cheng says, and that actually comes out as a surprise to Nie Mingjue.
“What?” he asks, completely stunned by this turn of events and Jiang Cheng gives him something that should probably be a smile, but comes out more as a grimace.
“I love you, of course I do, I have for a while,” Jiang Cheng tells him and Nie Mingjue hates how his voice shakes as he says it. “But my parents, they would never accept this,” Jiang Cheng says with a little shake of his head and then covers his face with his hand. “So I can’t.”
Nie Mingjue knows that Jiang Cheng’s family life is not the easiest—understatement of the year, really—but he didn’t think it was that bad.
“I don’t want to put you into a tight spot with them,” Nie Mingjue awkwardly says and Jiang Cheng lets out a shuddering breath.
“I know that,” he gives back but he still seems unhappy.
It makes sense, if he truly does feel the same for Nie Mingjue.
“Wanyin, nothing has to change,” Nie Mingjue softly says because they have been friends for so long that Nie Mingjue finds it ridiculous that this should change everything. “I’m still your friend, you know that, right?”
“Yeah,” Jiang Cheng whispers, and he sounds anything but certain about that.
“I mean, I’m not going to lie, I need a few days after this,” Nie Mingjue says, as carefully as he can, but Jiang Cheng still flinches, “but after that, we’re going back to how it was, okay?”
“Okay,” Jiang Cheng mutters, clearly not believing Nie Mingjue’s words and it only makes Nie Mingjue more determined to show Jiang Cheng that he truly meant it when he said that.
“Thank you for not suggesting that we do this in secret,” Nie Mingjue says suddenly and Jiang Cheng levels him with a look.
Nie Mingjue prefers to see his temper like this because it’s the Jiang Cheng he knows.
“Never. I’m not one to keep my relationship secret, I would never do that to a partner,” he says with vehemence and Nie Mingjue gives him a small smile.
“How very good of you,” he tells him and then has to look away when Jiang Cheng flushes slightly.
Nie Mingjue ponders briefly if he would have preferred to never know that Jiang Cheng felt the same for him, especially now that it’s clear that they are apparently not meant to be, but then he slightly shakes his head.
No, he would always want to know that Jiang Cheng loves him as well.
“I’ll get going then, alright?” Nie Mingjue asks and Jiang Cheng can’t look at him when he nods.
It seems like they are both going to need a few days to come to terms with this.
When he’s back home, Nie Mingjue wonders if he should have asked why Jiang Cheng’s parents wouldn’t approve of their relationship, to see if there was something he could argue against, but he berates himself for even having that thought.
He’s not going to argue Jiang Cheng into a relationship when he doesn’t want it, that’s not who Nie Mingjue is.
He doesn’t even know if Jiang Cheng is out to his parents or not. Jiang Fengmian and Yu Ziyuan are not known to be very accepting people and it’s probably not far off to guess that they wouldn’t approve of Jiang Cheng coming out to them.
Nie Mingjue never personally had to go through the same since his parents died so early, so he can only imagine how horrible it must be to know that your own parents would never accept you as you are and he just hopes that he never made Nie Huaisang feel like that.
“Da-ge, I’m home,” Nie Huaisang yells as if on cue, and Nie Mingjue calls him over to the living-room.
“Oh, you have your thinking face on. Why do you have your thinking face on?” Nie Huaisang wants to know and Nie Mingjue glares him but he can’t keep up the charade for long.
“Huaisang, come here,” he says and pats the couch next to him.
Nie Huaisang does as he says, but he’s slow to follow and clearly nervous.
“It’s nothing bad,” Nie Mingjue reassures him and ruffles Nie Huaisang’s hair, simply because he knows it annoys him.
“You’re still making me nervous,” Nie Huaisang says and smacks Nie Mingjue with his fan. “Just spit it out.”
“Did I ever make you feel like I wouldn’t accept you? Before or after you came out to me?” Nie Mingjue asks, because he needs to know right now if he failed his brother in that.
“No?” Nie Huaisang says, confusion written all over his face and Nie Mingjue scrubs a hand over his face.
“Why is that a question?”
“Because I don’t know what’s going on,” Nie Huaisang says. “Of course you never made me feel like that. I knew you were gay for as long as I can remember, so I never had to worry about you accepting me as I am, did I?” Nie Huaisang asks and Nie Mingjue nods.
“Of course not,” he says and Nie Huaisang gives him a thoughtful look.
“What brought this on?” he wants to know and Nie Mingjue sighs.
“I confessed to Jiang Cheng,” Nie Mingjue says and then shrugs. “It didn’t go so well.”
“But he loves you,” Nie Huaisang gives back, a frown on his face and Nie Mingjue gives him a sad smile.
“And sometimes that’s not enough,” he tells him. “I don’t think he’s out to his parents, and I think he doubts they would accept him as he is, and they are not going to approve of our relationship. He said he can’t do it.”
“Oh,” Nie Huaisang whispers as he understands where Nie Mingjue’s question came from. “That really fucking sucks,” Nie Huaisang then sums up and startles a laugh out of Nie Mingjue.
“Yeah. Yeah, it does,” he agrees, because what else is there to say, and then he tugs Nie Huaisang into his side, who lets out a token protest, but follows easily.
It’s good to spend a time of heartbreak with his family.
~*~*~
Nie Huaisang just left after dinner when someone knocks at Nie Mingjue’s door. He frowns, quickly scanning the room to see if he can find anything Nie Huaisang might have forgotten, but nothing springs into his eyes.
Nie Mingjue mentally shrugs and then makes his way to the door where the person impatiently knocks again.
“Yes, what?” Nie Mingjue asks, more than annoyed as he yanks open the door, only to come face to face with Jiang Cheng.
“I know you don’t want to see me for a few days,” Jiang Cheng starts, clearly not even taken aback by Nie Mingjue’s greeting and when he shuffles his feet and worries the hem of his shirt, Nie Mingjue realizes it’s because he’s so nervous that he’s just powering through whatever he wants to say.
“But I have been thinking,” Jiang Cheng goes on, and before he can say anything else, Nie Mingjue holds up his hand.
“Do you really want to do this in the doorway?” he asks and when Jiang Cheng simply blinks at him, Nie Mingjue steps to the side to let him in.
Jiang Cheng follows his invitation, clearly anxious to get back to whatever it was he wanted to say, and Nie Mingjue wonders what it can be.
He really didn’t want to see Jiang Cheng for a few days, and for him to show up here like this must mean it’s serious. Serious enough that of course Nie Mingjue will hear him out, if it’s so urgent he can’t even wait a few days.
“So tell me,” Nie Mingjue says once Jiang Cheng is in his living-room and Jiang Cheng startles as if he forgot what he originally came here for.
“I did some thinking,” Jiang Cheng says again and Nie Mingjue nods.
“So you said,” he says, mostly to break the tension and he thinks it worked when Jiang Cheng sends him a glare instead of the nervous look from before.
“I don’t give a shit what my parents think,” Jiang Cheng says and Nie Mingjue blinks at him.
That is quite the bomb to drop, especially after what he said to him earlier.
“What?” Nie Mingjue asks and Jiang Cheng shrugs.
“I don’t care what they think,” he repeats and Nie Mingjue shakes his head.
“That’s not right,” he says, because Jiang Cheng cares so much—it’s the whole reason he’s always so stressed—so this cannot be right at all.
“No, Mingjue, listen,” Jiang Cheng says and Nie Mingjue shuts his mouth. “It doesn’t matter what I do, they will never be proud of me or approve of me. Okay, yes, I care what they think about me, I care so goddamn much that it’s hurting me every day, but that’s just the thing. It will never change. I could be picture perfect and they would still find a flaw with me.”
Nie Mingjue is inclined to agree with him there, because Jiang Cheng’s parents are just that kinds of assholes, but he keeps silent for now.
“I’m out to them, and me being gay was never actually fine, it was just something we didn’t talk about. And then Wei Wuxian came out as bi and suddenly me being gay was a problem, because Wei Wuxian did it ‘better’. He still had the option to fall in love with a woman and why couldn’t I be like that. It was a whole thing,” Jiang Cheng says with a wave of his hand as if that wasn’t actually the worst thing Nie Mingjue has ever heard and then he goes right on.
“And no matter who I’m going to end up with, it’s never going to be good enough. My mother had this perfectly planned already; she would bring a nice young lady home that she picked, I would marry her and pretend to be happy, and we’d have lots of kids to secure the Jiang line. Everything that deviates from that is going to make her unhappy, so I never stood a chance because I deviate as early as ‘brings home a nice young lady’,” Jiang Cheng says and Nie Mingjue can only nod at that, because it does make sense what he’s saying.
“So it doesn’t matter if I am with you or not, at least not to them. They are already unhappy with me. I cannot make them approve of my relationship as long as I don’t bring home a girl.”
“What does that mean for us?” Nie Mingjue dares to ask, though he can guess where this is going.
He just needs Jiang Cheng to say it.
Jiang Cheng gives him a small smile before he goes on and Nie Mingjue wants to go over and kiss him immediately.
“If they don’t approve of me and my relationship either way, why would I make the choice that leaves me unhappy as well?”
“You shouldn’t,” Nie Mingjue agrees. “You really shouldn’t. You should be happy all the time.”
“And I would be happiest with you,” Jiang Cheng says and steps closer to Nie Mingjue. “I know you said you needed a few days, but I figured that was only when I rejected you and I’m not, not anymore. So, is this okay?” he asks, and he seems unsure all of a sudden, as if Nie Mingjue hadn’t declared his love for him earlier that afternoon and Nie Mingjue cannot let that stand.
“It’s more than okay,” he reassures Jiang Cheng and pulls him close with a hand on his hip. “You really want this?” Nie Mingjue asks again, because he needs to be sure, needs Jiang Cheng to be sure about this.
“I do,” Jiang Cheng says and smiles at him. “I love you. Of course I want to be with you,” he whispers and leans up to press a kiss to the corner of Nie Mingjue’s mouth. “If you still want me, after how tremendously stupid I was today.”
“You weren’t stupid,” Nie Mingjue corrects him. “You were concerned, and quite reasonably,” he adds. “But I will always want you. I love you, too,” he says, smiling at Jiang Cheng as well and when they kiss this time, it’s no longer just to the corner of a mouth.
Nie Mingjue suspects that there will be many fights for Jiang Cheng in the future, but he vows to be by his side all the time.
He’s not going to let him face this alone.