Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Part 1

_______________________________

“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.”

― Jodi Picoult

_______________________________

Eddie Kaspbrak has been a loner his entire life. As far back as he could remember, he was terrible at making friends, not that he was afforded many opportunities to do so. But after plenty of times being let down, he began to enjoy being alone. As early as elementary school he would play alone at recess, in middle school he would do his homework alone, and in high school he barely left the house let alone attempt to go to a party. 

College was the same deal. He went to class, did his homework, and went to his internship without much contact with anybody. It was easier that way, being alone. He was efficient, and he graduated top of his class with a business degree that carried him straight into another year for graduate school. In the process of getting his master’s degree, he met Myra. Yet even with his new degree, several offers for jobs, and a new wife: Eddie was still a loner.

So Eddie’s lonely, but it’s okay. He’s used to it.

He didn’t mind it anymore, the constant feeling of solitude. In fact, it was a nice breath of fresh air compared to the bustling city around him. He enjoyed being in his head and away from others. Or at least that’s what he told himself.

But what he really didn’t enjoy was walking to the subway in the frigid December temperatures of New York. Eddie hated commuting in general. On top of it being crowded and dirty, it reminded him of how ordinary he was. Everyone on the train has a story, and he figured that his was probably the most boring one. Add all of that on top of how muddy and wet it got when it snowed, Eddie absolutely hated it. But it could’ve been worse. 

His stop was the first on the planned route meaning that when he got there in the morning, it was mostly quiet and fairly empty. Some days were busier than others, especially because no one in their right mind would want to walk in the cold instead. It always got busier during winter, which made Eddie despise his commute even more. The commute to his job that really brought no happiness to his life, with coworkers that infuriated him.

No wonder it was so hard for him to even get out of bed in the morning.

Monday was especially the hardest for him. He went through his morning routine like he normally did: shower, teeth, get dressed, coffee, go. The walk to the subway wasn’t far from him, but walking anywhere through the cold wasn’t a fun time. When he was a kid he remembered snow dusting the trees of the woods of Maine and piling up on his lawn. He would always beg his mother to let him outside so he could build a snowman or make snow angels like the other kids. 

But he was always met with a “you know it’s flu season Eddie.” Or a “you get sick easily Eddie.” Or even sometimes a “you are sick Eddie.”

So he was left to stay inside, cooped up all winter with his overbearing mother. Lonely didn’t even begin to describe it. But it was fine, because Eddie’s always been a loner. It was just who he was. He grimaced the second he got out of his apartment building, stepping into a fresh pile of dirt and slush that was lazily shoveled out of the way. So much for finally getting to go outside in the snow. Even with gloves on he was thankful for the hot coffee cup warming his hands. 

Everything was about routine. It made the day a little more bearable, a little more predictable. Boring? Sure, but at least he knew what to expect. Hard to be disappointed with a strict routine. Just like always, he pulled off his hat carefully to make sure he didn’t mess up his neatly gelled hair. When he managed to get down the wet subway stairs without falling on his ass, he loosened his scarf around his neck and carefully brought his coffee to his lips to take a slow sip, humming at the instant warm feeling that filled him. He knew it was bad for him, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. It made it easier to get through the day.

He was a little annoyed to see so many people waiting for the train already, but he knew that it would dwindle down each day. The Monday rush was normally filled with tourists getting a head start on their week in the big city, and Eddie could tell as much by the selfie sticks and luggage. Between the tourists and the couple kissing in their seats, Eddie felt very uncomfortable. He refused to sit next to them, so he let another sorry bastard take the seat, and he settled for gripping the pole farthest from them.

He was glad that he’d gotten there early, scrunching up his shoulders so that he could let more people into the train car. It was fairly crowded, and Eddie found himself scolding himself like he often did at this time. He could afford a car, and it would save him the pain of commuting. But the more he thought it over, the more he realized that he did not have the time or patience to find parking every day. So he squeezed as close to the bar as possible, grateful for when the doors finally closed and the train gave a soft jolt forward. 

His commute to his office wasn’t long, maybe thirty or so minutes with all of the stopping and starting. There were certainly days where Eddie chose to take a cab instead of dealing with the subway, happy to fork over the ridiculously pricey rates just so he could have the whole back seat to himself. 

He considered listening to music or an audiobook to pass the time, but he saw a story of a man getting mugged on the train while he had earbuds in. And that was that.

So he took the time to zone out. His mind went nowhere, and he just stared at the floor usually, making sure not to pay too much attention to how dirty it was. Thankfully at the next stop, a bunch of people emptied out of the car and he was able to relax his shoulders again. He held his briefcase in one hand with his coffee in the other, feet spread apart so that he could stabilize himself enough to let go of the pole and take a sip. The winter gloves were hot on his hands, but they served as a barrier between him and whatever was crawling around on the surface of the pole. He could deal with a little hand sweat in the meantime. 

Every once in a while he let go to take a sip, his mind blanking out for the rest of the time. All it took was one poorly calculated sip for him to let go of the pole just as the train made a hard break at the next stop. 

It happened way too fast for Eddie to make any attempts at correcting his body, and the laws of physics launched him away from the pole, a few large steps. He braced himself to end up on the floor, but he smacked into a solid body that prevented him from plummeting in front of a bunch of strangers. He was relieved for a moment before feeling hands grip him tightly, the realization dawning that he’d slammed into a person.

Please don’t be an old lady. Or any woman for that matter. Oh my god or a psychopath…  

He was able to stand up straighter when the car came to a full stop, still aided by whoever was holding him up. Thankfully his coffee was mostly empty when it hit the floor, spilling into a very small puddle. He quickly bent to pick it up before moving out of the way of a few people exiting the car. “Fuck I am so so sorry.” He finally looked at who he’d practically body slammed.

But it made sense when he looked up, a tall man raising an eyebrow at him with a crooked smile. Eddie opened his mouth, only to stumble yet again when the train picked up, right back into his open arms. “Woah there pal, no need to fall for me so hard. Twice. ”

Eddie balanced himself, shoving the coffee cup in his pocket to free his hand so he could clutch to the pole for dear life. “I- um. I’m really sorry.” He said again, face on fire at the embarrassment of it all. 

“Hey, it’s fine dude.” He waved it off, gripping at the bar above his head, perfect for someone his height. “You look a little shaky, do you want to sit?” He gestured to the open seat next to him.

“Uh, no I’m fine.” He swallowed, adjusting his grip on his briefcase, thankful that it didn’t assault any passengers on his flight.

“You sure?” The man looked to the seat and back to Eddie. “It would be hard not to fly out of a seat. Nice and secure for ya.”

Is he… is he making fun of me?

Eddie squinted at him, biting the inside of his cheek. “Maybe you should sit. It would save you from any falling objects next time.”

The man’s eyes widened before he let out a hushed laugh through the quiet train car. “Wow, that’s a hell of a way to say thank you for catching your ass. You’re pretty quick for someone with the legs of a newborn baby dear.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m pulling your leg.” He smiled, gesturing for another lady to take the seat instead. “You don’t really need to thank me. It was a selfish catch, to be honest with you. I was more worried about hot coffee being spilled on my junk than you eating shit.”

Eddie opened his mouth and closed it quickly, not even sure how to respond to that. He tried again, tempted to go off on him, but all that came out was a bubble of laughter that rose up from his throat. He couldn’t control it once it left, and he aimed his head down at his feet as he laughed at himself, at his own expense. 

He couldn’t remember the last time he’d done that. 

“Well um, wow.” He got out, biting down on his lip to stop any leftover giggles and catch his breath. The man was still smiling, more smug, clearly proud that he’d managed to get a such good reaction. “I usually eat breakfast at work, and eating shit would’ve really ruined my appetite. So I guess I do owe you a thank you.”

The man’s eyes sparkled as his smile got wider. He tossed his head back with a laugh, shaking his head at the lights above him. “Well, I’m all ears. It would be great if you could submit your thanks to the mayor or something. Maybe I’ll get a medal for being such a hero.”

Eddie watched him carefully as he spoke. He had thick-framed glasses that sat dangerously close to the tip of his nose and black wavy hair that curled down to the back of his neck. And he was wearing absolutely no coat except for a black bomber jacket and the most hideous burnt orange button up that Eddie had ever seen underneath it. No hat, gloves, scarf, or coat. It was a shock that he wasn’t blue in the face with icicles hanging from his nose. “Well thank you-”

“Richie.”

“Richie.” Eddie nodded, shuffling in his spot under his intense stare. They both just stood there facing each other for a while until Eddie’s stop finally came. “Um, this is me. Sorry again…”

“No problem.” Richie inched out of his way. “Hey, I didn’t get your name!”

“Oh.” He hesitated as the doors slid open. “Uh, it’s Eddie.”

“Cool. Walk safely Eddie.”

“Yeah, sure.” He huffed, not moving even when the doors closed behind him. Richie gave him a little wave through the window, and Eddie slowly gave one back. He didn’t move until the train was out of sight, and he took a moment to gather himself. He threw out the coffee cup jutting awkwardly out of his pocket and put his hat back on gingerly, fixing his scarf back over his neck and chin. His face was still burning when he hit the cool air, actually grateful for the icy breeze on his flushed skin. 

When he got up to his office, it took Eddie two more cups of coffee to feel back to normal. He decided that it was one of those days where he’d be willing to pay for a cab to just bring him back to his apartment building. He wouldn't have to worry about falling all over the place in front of a bunch of strangers. In front of Richie.

Whoever the fuck that guy was.

Eddie decided to ignore it. The chance of running into him again was statistically improbable, especially in such a big city. He slept peacefully that night, feeling a little less embarrassed and more than ready to move on from the incident. The next morning, he made sure to slide his work material into an old briefcase backpack that he dusted off. He never used it because backpacks were just a glowing red sign saying “hey, please steal from me when I’m not paying attention!” but he decided that it was worth the small risk if it meant that he’d have another free hand on the train. Other than the small switch up, Eddie went through his routine, preparing for another day of just… this. 

Just going through the motions. 

He grimaced when the cold air stung his face, and he turned his head down to shield the parts that were not covered by his scarf. He made his way down the subway stairs, avoiding the fresh patches of ice on the steps as he cursed whoever forgot to salt them down properly. His bad mood was quickly fixed when he saw the doors of the train already opened and hardly anyone in the car. So much for tourists getting a head start on each day.

But he understood. He understood how painfully hard it was to commit to getting up so early. And to catch a train on top of that. Regardless, he was happy to take a seat and even happier to see that the other people in the car with him were quietly occupied with their phones or a book. He relaxed a little bit in his seat, loosening his scarf and sipping from his coffee before checking his own phone. He thought to himself that he could’ve done something more interesting than just checking his work email, but before he could even attempt to change his mind he was interrupted. 

“Don’t move.” It was a rough New York accent, and Eddie froze in his seat. “Give me all your money.”

A million things flew through Eddie’s head, his entire fight or flight system pumping up. Oh my God I’m getting robbed. This is it. It hit him that he didn’t have time to be talking to himself, so he looked up slowly and carefully just in case he was met with some sort of weapon. But all he was met with was a stupid fucking grin.

“What the fuck is wrong with you!” Eddie hissed before he could control himself, his heart still beating so fast and his body on fire with adrenaline, near hyperventilating.  

“Tough crowd.” Richie snickered, dropping his pretend heavy New York accent. Then he scratched the back of his neck, looking suddenly remorseful. “Sorry, didn’t mean to actually scare you.”

“That was so not funny.” Eddie huffed, tugging on his scarf to take it off completely so he could cool off and calm down. “You’re deranged.”

“Guilty as charged.” He agreed with a hurried nod, gripping onto the pole as the train lurched forward. “Can I sit?” He pointed to the empty seat next to Eddie, raising his eyebrows.

If Eddie hadn’t had already finished half of his coffee he might’ve told him to fuck off. “I don’t own the train.” He said instead, still with an attitude. “And I’m not your mother. Do whatever.”

Richie raised his eyebrows a little higher before plopping down into the seat next to him. Eddie turned the opposite way slightly, continuing to mindlessly scroll through his email. “Hey, you’re right, that was a dick move. Not funny.” He tried, and Eddie paused only for a moment before turning back to him. “I apologize.”

“Really not funny.”

“Can I start over?” His eyes were hopeful, rubbing his bare hands on his pants. “Goodmorning Eds. Nice seeing you here again!” He held a large hand, palm open for a shake.

Eddie’s eye twitched as he tried to keep himself composed. “Eddie.” He corrected.

“Right.” Richie smiled, dropping his hand. “So apology accepted?”

Eddie wanted to be mad at him, but he just couldn’t be. Not when Richie was looking at him expectantly like a little kid on Christmas morning. “It’s fine just… maybe work on your greetings a little more. Do that to the wrong person and you might regret it.” 

“I’ll come up with a much better one for next time, I promise.”

“God, please don’t.”

“Do you get on this train every day?”

Eddie sighed, sliding his phone back into his pocket when he realized that Richie was not going to stop talking any time soon. And he wasn’t sure how to feel about it. “Yeah.”

“And do you fall into innocent people often or…” He broke out in loud laughter when Eddie looked at him incredulously. “Sorry man, you’re too easy.”

“You talk a big game for someone who doesn’t even know how to dress for winter.” Eddie spat back. “One day you’re just going to freeze to death.”

“Well not everyone keeps up with winter fashion. I’m a growing boy and coats are expensive.”

“You look like a grown-ass man to me.”

“Well, you look like Anthony Perkins cosplaying as the gay angel from Supernatural.” He ran just the tip of his finger over the sleeve of Eddie’s trench coat, earning him a swift smack to the hand. 

“I don’t know what the fuck that even means.” Eddie snorted, annoyed but also amused. “At least I’m Anthony Perkins. You look like Dwight from the Office just with longer hair.” He had to hold himself back from smiling while Richie laughed.

“Rain Wilson is one funny dude. Is this your way of telling me you think I’m funny?”

“You’re not.”

“You are.”

Eddie was taken aback by the comment. Him? Funny? He’d never once considered himself to be funny. Quickwitted maybe, but never funny. He slid his feet closer to him to allow people to pass by him at the next stop. He didn’t respond, hoping that Richie had enough common sense to see that he was horrible at accepting compliments. He didn’t mean it to be an asshole, he just was genuinely dumbfounded by the smallest amount of praise. 

“So where are you headed to?” Richie hummed, easily flowing into another conversation.

“Work.”

“Oh really? I couldn’t tell with the briefcase and tie.”

“What do you want from me?” Eddie asked harsher than he intended to sound. And even though Richie was annoying, and he was a stranger that Eddie held no obligation to whatsoever, he felt genuinely bad at the hurt look in Richie’s eyes.

He masked it with a small smile, but he still sounded dejected. “Do you want me to stop talking to you?” He settled back in his seat, glancing down at his hands, lips twitching between smiling and frowning. 

“No I-” Eddie clenched his jaw. “I didn’t mean it like that. Sorry, I’m not good at this sort of thing. Maybe I need to work on myself too.”

As awkward as it sounded, it somehow looked like it made Richie feel better. “I don’t really like talking to strangers either.”

Could’ve fooled me. Eddie quipped in his head.

“We don’t have to be strangers though. So I’ll ask again, where are you headed to?”

“My office, financial district.” 

“I knew you were a wall street type of guy.” 

“Something like that.” Eddie snorted. “What about you, what do you do?”

“I do a lot. Comedy, disk jockey, theater sometimes.” 

“Of course you do.”

“What’s that supposed to mean!”

“Everything you listed, it’s all about talking. Your job is to literally joke around.”

“Yet somehow you’re still funnier than me.” 

There it was again. That sinking feeling that Eddie got whenever he received a compliment, not that he received many in his life. Even when his boss would praise his work he’d be reduced to a flustered mess. He hummed to himself, hoping that they could move on again. He was actually enjoying talking to Richie, a complete stranger. He had to keep reminding himself though, that this guy was still that. A stranger.

Don’t get too close Eddie. Don’t give him too much.

“So you get on at the first stop too?” He asked, moving the conversation along. 

Richie seemed surprised that he asked a question this time, eyes gleaming with what looked like delight even. “Yeah, I live right around the corner. That’s kind of why I never take a coat, to be real with you. I’m not outside long enough to be motivated to buy one.”

“I live close by too, and I still feel my blood slowly start to freeze even with all of my winter gear.” He gestured to himself. “I’m begging you to still get one, please.”

“Awe, you care about little ole me?”

Eddie didn’t know why, but he actually did. But he’d rather jump in front of the train than admit that though. “Little? You’re what, six feet tall at least?”

“Pretty much.” He nodded. “And you’re what, five feet tall at least?”

“I’m 5’9 asshole.”

“5’9 huh? You felt a little smaller than that when I caught you.”

The last thing Eddie wanted to do was encourage him with a smile or laugh, so he sipped the last bit of his coffee. “You suck.”

“Won’t argue with that.”

It sounded like a suggestive joke, but Eddie was saved from responding to it. “This is me.” He cleared his throat, slowly standing as the train slowed. “Um, nice seeing you I guess.”

“Yeah, you too.” Richie smiled up at him, spreading his legs out a little further apart now that there was more space. “See you tomorrow maybe?” 

“Unfortunately, probably.” Eddie smiled back before stepping off. He didn’t turn around this time, getting to the stairs before letting out the breath he’d been holding, putting on his hat and scarf with shaky hands. Talking to strangers wasn’t something he ever wanted to do, in fact, he tried to avoid it at all costs. But he had a feeling that talking to this stranger was going to become part of a new routine.

“Hey Mike.” Eddie sighed, sprawling out on his couch with a beer, his tie slung lazily over his shoulder and shoes kicked off near the front door. 

“Eddie!” Mike chimed gleefully. “How was work?”

“Let’s not even start there.” Eddie groaned, rubbing at his forehead with his wrist, beer still clutched tightly in hand. “How’s Rome?”

“You know me, I’m a travel junky. There’s so much to see here, I don’t think I’ve stopped moving all day.”

“We can’t all be as adventurous as you. I don’t think I’ve stopped sitting all day.”

Mike’s laugh was like velvet through the speaker, deep and soft all at once. “How has everything else been. Cold yet?”

“It’s never cold enough for my cold, dead heart.” Eddie laughed to himself, even though it wasn’t funny. It didn’t feel funny at least. It felt honest more than anything.

“Maybe you should get out more.” Mike said, his voice gentle so that it didn’t come out as rude. “The city is beautiful around the holidays. Maybe you and your cold, dead heart can warm up a little bit.”

Mike knew just as much as Eddie knew. He was lonely. He never said it blatantly to his friend, but Mike knew anyway. He never had to say anything, anyone who knew Eddie even remotely knew that he was a loner. His friends knew, his family knew, his coworkers knew.

Eddie knew.

“You won’t believe what happened to me.” He huffed out, determined to change the subject. “I met this weirdo on the train.”

“Oh?” Mike chuckled, clearly amused and awaiting the rest of the story.

“I was on the train yesterday and I accidentally collided with someone. Turns out it was this guy, his name is Richie. He literally had to catch me.”

“What made him weird?”

“Well I ran into him again this morning. Not like- I didn’t fall into him again, but he sat next to and like… talked to me.”

“That’s weird?”

“Yes! Who the fuck talks to strangers on the train!?”

“Was he nice?”

“I- well yeah but still. We just went back and forth the whole time.”

“That’s nice Eddie.” He could tell Mike was smiling. “Are you going to talk to him again?”

Eddie the loner would’ve said no. It was completely out of his nature to willingly speak to people. He was used to operating alone, things were better that way. Things were easier that way. 

“Maybe.”

When Eddie woke up in the morning, he had a feeling that he hadn’t woken up to in decades. It was a quick pace beating of his heart, and a racing mind, but not the kind when he was anxious. This was different, this was… good.

Eddie was excited.

He thought to himself that it was a silly excitement, proof of how boring his life was that the most exciting aspect of his life was talking to a stranger on a train. But still, even with that in mind and the tinge of fear in the back of his head that Richie wouldn’t be there, he was excited.

He brushed his teeth a little faster and a little less carefully than he normally did, he felt goosebumps on his skin as he got dressed, and he even almost forgot to pour his coffee entirely. He was in such a chipper mood that he didn’t even complain to himself about how cold it was outside, and he almost didn’t check for ice on the subway stairs. 

By some miracle, he survived the stairs without looking, heading straight for his usual car. Richie was already there, earlier than him this time, sitting in the same seat he was the previous day. When he glanced up from his phone and saw Eddie his face split into a goofy grin, nodding to the seat next to him.

Eddie sat without any hesitation.

“Hey there.” Richie chimed, looking him up and down. 

“Hi.” Eddie smiled, tucking his briefcase bag in his lap. “You’re here early today.”

“Early mouse gets the cheese.”

“What? I’m pretty sure that’s a different saying.” He laughed, muffling it with his coffee. “The early bird gets the worm, the second mouse gets the cheese. You know- because the early mouse gets killed by the trap.”

“I know what I said Eds.” Richie hummed, rubbing at his eyes beneath his thick frames. “I am the early mouse in this scenario, I’m pretty dead right now. How do you get up this early every morning? It hurts.”

Don’t let him call you that. Eddie waved his coffee in front of him. “A little pick me up helps. And you get kind of used to it after doing it for ages. What, you’re a newbie or something?” 

“I only started waking up early recently. I thought for sure I’d give up after some dude fell on top of me-”

“God, are you ever gonna let that go?” Eddie scoffed, but he felt warm in his chest. “I already thanked you, what else do you want from me?”

“Hm.” Richie stared ahead of them, tapping his chin like he was deep in thought, seriously considering the question. And it made Eddie feel ten times warmer when he finally looked back into his eyes. “How about you supply me with a little ‘pick me up’ since you recommended it.” He pointed at the cup in Eddie’s hands. “I don’t drink it a lot, I’ve been told it makes me hyper.”

“That would be a tragedy.” Eddie snorted, shaking his head. “How do you normally take your coffee?”

“Surprise me.” He smirked with a wink.

Eddie gripped his cup a little tighter when the train lurched forward. They kept talking, just like they had been. Casual, surface level with bickering and teasing thrown in the mix. It was like Richie got off on being insulted, which only reinforced Eddie’s idea that he was a total weirdo. 

A weirdo that he couldn’t stop talking to. 

Eddie ranted about his recent work projects and Richie spouted off cheesy jokes, both going back and forth about how much commuting via subway sucked. “It’s not all bad, sometimes you have a good time.”

“No.” Eddie said blatantly, finishing up the rest of his coffee.

“If you hate the subway so much, maybe you should just buy a car Mr. Wall Street.”

“I had a car. Problem is that it’s a pain in the ass to drive in the city and find parking. My ex-wife took the car.” And the parking spot attached to our townhouse. And the townhouse.

“Woah, woah, woah. Ex-wife?”

Good going Eddie, you gave away too much. “Oh… yeah.”

“Huh, I read you all wrong man.”

“Well sorry that I don’t scream ‘divorced guy’. I think that’s a good thing isn’t it?”

Richie laughed, shaking his head. “No, I didn’t mean like that. I didn’t know you like- swung that way.” He cringed at the confused look Eddie gave him. “I didn’t know you liked women.”

Eddie leaned back, unaware of how close they were sitting. He felt like he’d been slapped, almost offended by the accusation. The insinuation that Eddie didn’t like women.

Because it was true. You’ve said too much Eddie.

“Why would you say that?”

“Hey, it’s not a big deal. I just… I assumed and clearly was wrong. My bad, my calculations were off. I’ve never been good at math-”

“It’s not a joke Richie.” Eddie snapped. “You can’t just joke about things like that. Let’s not forget that you don’t know me, okay? We’re strangers. I don’t need you to read me. Just because you caught me from falling and now I open up to you doesn’t mean I’m gay. So that’s- that’s fucking homophobic to randomly assume, honestly.”

Richie blinked at him slowly, like it was his turn to feel slapped. Eddie felt bad, but he was embarrassed. And he should’ve known that he’d be let down again, just like everyone he opened up to let him down. He stood up, ready to get off the train and never look back. He retreated into his own mind, ignoring the feeling of people staring at him. Richie tugged on his coat lightly, just before the door opened.

“I’m gay Eddie.” Eddie whipped his head to look at him and Richie looked up at him with an unreadable stare. Eddie opened his mouth but lost the thought at the sound of the train doors opening. “You should go man, you’re gonna miss your stop.”

His voice was calm, and it was like Eddie was talking to an actual stranger, a whole new person practically. He opened his mouth again but had nothing to say. He quickly stepped off of the train and onto the platform, the doors closing just as he made it. When he turned, Richie was still facing away, not bothering to turn around as he had done before. So Eddie burned holes into the back of his head until the train was swallowed by the darkness of the tunnel. And conveniently, he was consumed by the darkness of his mind.

All Eddie could think about was how bad he felt. All through work, Eddie still felt bad. He was so embarrassed by his own behavior that he could hardly focus. He read somewhere that negative energy in the office wasn’t good for work ethic and productivity, and he also read that you should never invite negative energy into your home. So he decided after work that he would go for a walk to clear his mind.

Thankfully it wasn’t as cold as it was in the morning, but he still bundled up in preparation. He didn’t have a destination, but he picked a random direction and kept walking. He didn’t know what he was walking towards, or how long he was walking, but the fresh air did ease him up a bit. Until he started thinking again.

Christmas was approaching quickly, still weeks away but the city was already prepared. The Rockefeller Christmas tree was already being set up and just about every other tree in the city was covered in lights and bulbs. It really was pretty, not even Eddie could deny that. 

Christmas time in New York is special. Everyone is cheerful and glowing, kids run into the parks to play with snow before it turns to slush and mud, everyone begins to dress warm and cozy. Tourists come to take pictures and experience the joy, and couples prance around in matching sweaters while they hold hands and share hot chocolate.

Everyone is cheerful, everyone but Eddie.

Eddie is lonely, like always. 

Loneliness is knowing you don’t have anyone to turn to, especially during the holidays. When Eddie has a problem, he has to face it on his own. When Eddie wants to share something, he has to keep it to himself. And after so long of being in his head, Eddie started to just accept it as normal, that he was a loner by nature.

Eddie can’t depend on anyone, it’s what he’s learned. Sometimes he would even feel like people were out to get him, or that people were purposefully excluding him. His paranoia was at an all-time high, convinced that everyone else was the problem. Looking at it like that made the loneliness feel somewhat justified. 

His mind, body, and soul all sank when he thought about it. All of the self-destruction that led him to where he was now. It was like he was floating in the middle of an ocean. All the water he could possibly want and none of it was drinkable. And all he could think about was Richie, who was a vast ocean of foreign feelings and opportunities. 

But Richie was also risky. Eddie couldn’t process it all, it’s too much. Eddie felt like he’s in the ocean being circled by sharks. Sharks that constantly spit jokes and wear tacky button-ups and have cute smiles and contagious laughs and…

Eddie ruined his chance at getting a drink of Richie. Just like you ruin everything good. This is why you’re alone, and you’ll always be alone.

He ended up bringing home a lot more negative energy than he started with.

He woke up the next day feeling empty. It took him till he got dressed before he actually felt something other than numbness. He still felt bad about Richie. It wasn’t until he gripped the coffee pot that he remembered. How about you supply me with a little ‘pick me up’.

It was difficult to balance himself on the icy sidewalk with two cups of coffee in his hands, but he managed to get down the subway stairs and onto the train without breaking an ankle or spilling any coffee. Richie wasn’t there yet, but Eddie took their usual spot, praying that the train would stay empty enough that no one was forced to sit next to him. He felt the bubble of anxiety in his stomach, rehearsing an apology already in his head for when Richie showed up.

If he showed up.

He checked his watch obsessively, tapping his foot as each minute ticked by. The train would take off soon, leaving Eddie with two cups of coffee and a whole lot of regret. For partly selfish reasons he hoped that Richie was just running late, or maybe that he called out sick or something. Anything was better than picturing Richie already sitting in a different car, purposefully avoiding him. 

He hoped that he didn’t scare him off. But Eddie knew he shouldn’t hope for things, it only leads to more disappointment. The train made a pinging noise, signaling the doors were closing, and Eddie withered in his seat. There was the disappointment. It set in that this random stranger he had met on the train was the person he was most excited to see when he woke up. He had been for the past two days. Eddie doesn’t want Richie to stop talking to him. He doesn’t want his train ride to go back to being lonely. 

But just as the doors began to close, a mess of long limbs skidded into the train car, nearly smacking into the other side of the train. Richie corrected his body, nearly almost sent back into the wall as the train moved forward, pulling them along towards the next stop.

Eddie watched him with wide eyes, quietly letting him gain control of his body again. He held onto the pole, catching his breath and looking down at the floor. Part of Eddie didn’t want him to look up, maybe so he could spare himself the embarrassment if Richie chose another seat instead of the one next to him. 

When Richie looked up, he raised his eyebrows at him, sighing in relief. Even though the car was mostly empty and there were plenty of seats, he sat next to Eddie without hesitation. “Good morning.”

“Hi.” Eddie greeted sheepishly. There was a brief silence between them, filled by the slow rocking of the train and Richie’s labored breathing. “Um-”

“So-” Richie started at the same time, both of them pausing to let the other speak. “You go first. Or do you want to play rock, paper, scissors?”

Eddie’s shoulders relaxed at the joke and the soft smile he received. “I just wanted to apologize for yesterday. I shouldn’t have talked to you like that, and I really shouldn’t have called you that.” I didn’t know you were gay.

“Is that a peace offering then?” He teased, taking the second cup of coffee. “Thank you. I’m sorry too, I shouldn’t have opened my mouth. And I shouldn’t have pried about your divorce stuff. And I really shouldn’t have joked about it.”

“You’re fine.”

“Yeah, you’re fine too.” He sipped from the coffee, his face going through a variety of expressions. “Sorry I was late. I took way too long in the bathroom.”

“Too much information.” Eddie snorted, sipping from his own cup. “I thought you were going to ignore me.”

“Ignore you?” Richie gawked like it was the most ridiculous thing he’d ever heard. “Yeah right! I fell on my ass rushing to make it here in time. Just to get in my daily dose of annoying you. I’m addicted to it now.”

A wave of relief and warmth spread through Eddie’s chest. “Oh great.” He laughed behind his cup. “So does that mean I get to make fun of you for falling now?”

“It wouldn’t be fair, I think I pulled something.” He grunted, stretching his legs. “Black ice is a bitch, please take pity on me.” His legs were long, dark jeans clinging tightly with small holes and a few grease stains. Eddie inspected every inch of him, from his black vans that were clearly not made to withstand winter, to the top of his head where his hair was sticking up wildly. 

Before he could even think twice, Eddie reached up and removed his glasses, cleaning them off gently on his coat. “Maybe because these things are filthy, how do you even see in these?”

“Better than without them at all.” Richie swallowed thickly. “I’m blind as a fucking bat.”

Eddie placed them back on his face for him, shifting in his seat at how flustered he looked. “Better now?”

Richie looked down at him quietly, searching his eyes for something. “Yeah, a lot better.” If he found what he was searching for, he didn’t know. They chatted lightly, but the rest of the ride was mostly silent. But not the kind of silence that Eddie was used to. 

He had grown accustomed to the kind of silence that was plain, the kind that made him feel like he was frozen in time, and that sinking lonely feeling would sometimes turn its ugly head. But this was much different.

He felt calm sitting next to Richie, and the silence wasn’t awkward at all, it was soothing to just be there. Richie somehow knew how to handle him better than anyone had in his life, and he didn’t even know him yet. 

Yet. Did Eddie want Richie to know him? He couldn’t come to an answer before Richie was nudging his arm. Eddie stood up quickly, realizing that they’d already arrived at his stop. He stood up, shifting on his feet as he held onto the pole. 

“Do you want me to throw that out for you?” Eddie asked quickly, pointing to the cup in his hands. It looked tiny enveloped by his large palms, and Eddie was painfully aware of how much bigger he was. 

“Oh, thanks!” He handed it over, placing it into Eddie’s gloved hand. Their hands brushed for a split second, and Eddie felt how cold he was even through the glove. 

“Idiot.” He murmured, quickly taking off his gloves and holding them out for him. “Do me a favor and put these on before you start losing fingers to frostbite.”

Richie took them, looking up at him with a blush creeping up onto his neck. “Wait, seriously?”

“Yeah, my pockets are lined with wool, I’ll be okay.” He stepped outside of the doors with no time to argue, quickly placing both cups in the trash. 

“Wait!” Richie called from behind him, stopping the doors from closing with his foot. “Am I seeing you tomorrow?”

Eddie saw the gloves already covering his hands, a few sizes too small, but he couldn’t even be angry about how stretched they’d be when he got them back. He turned away, stifling a laugh as he nodded his head.

“Yeah, I hope so.” He smiled over his shoulder. “See you tomorrow Richie.”

For the first time in years, Eddie hoped for something.

Chapter Text

Part 2

_______________________________

“Love is a journey and a destination - long and excruciating on the way, unexpected and ecstatic if found.”

― Stewart Stafford

_______________________________

Eddie Kaspbrak had spent the past two weeks getting to know Richie Tozier. They had a silent agreement to meet in the same car, same time, every morning. Eddie kept bringing him coffee, and occasionally Richie would bring him a little treat whether it was a pastry or something else prepackaged. Sometimes they’d spend the entire time talking, and other times they would just sit together in comfortable silence. They would either wait for one another on the platforms or in their seats, and during the Monday rush they would share the pole together and chat quietly amongst the crowded train car. It didn’t matter how crowded it got, it felt like they were the only people in it.

It all made Eddie feel a little less lonely.

“I can’t believe you’re allergic to peanuts.” Richie scoffed, shoving the Snickers bar back into his pocket. “If I was allergic to something I would just simply eat it anyway. Isn’t that what Benadryl and Epipens are for?”

“You clearly don’t understand how allergies work.” Eddie laughed, shaking his head. 

“And you clearly don’t know how to live a free, liberating life.” Richie smiled. “C’mon man, when are you going to start living a little?”

“I have to work Richie.”

“You hate that job.”

Eddie flinched at how loudly he said it. He’d admitted to Richie (and himself) that he was miserable at work. It was good money, sure. He was good at it, yes. But happy? The absolute farthest from it. He felt stuck, enveloped in an endless loop of dissatisfaction. 

“Doesn’t mean I just… can’t go.”

“You said you have like a million vacation days saved up.” Richie rolled his eyes. “When’s the last time you took a day off?”

“I never needed to-”

“You’ve never been sick?”

“Not enough to call out. I’m careful, and I actually wear a coat unlike some people.”

“Whatever! At least I finally got my own pair of gloves.” He laughed, wiggling his gloved fingers in front of him. “What about just for a break?”

“A break?”

“Yes, Eddie. A break is when you take a pause doing something-”

“I know what a break is dickhead.” Eddie huffed. “I just… I don’t like taking breaks. Then I’ll have to catch up on work anyway so it’s not even worth it. It’s like skipping school, it doesn’t mean you don’t have to still do the work you missed.”

“Touche, but have you ever considered like a mental health day or something?” He hummed. “My mom never questioned me if I didn’t want to go to school, sometimes you need to take a chill pill. You can’t always be in work mode.”

“Our moms were very different.” 

“Well is she gonna ground you if you miss one day of work?”

“She’s dead, so I’m gonna say no.”

Richie clenched his jaw, gripping his coffee cup a little tighter. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine. I don’t want to take about her anymore.”

“Okay.” Richie nodded, dropping the topic immediately. He was annoying, Eddie got to know that very well. It wasn’t a bad annoying though, it was somewhat charming and undoubtedly entertaining. He pushed Eddie’s boundaries and had him opening up more than he had in his entire life. He was more comfortable talking about somethings than he was even with Myra. But one thing that he really liked about Richie was that he never crossed the boundaries that Eddie set. He was always respectful, and almost frustratingly patient. 

There were times when it scared Eddie. He didn’t like getting too close to people, especially people who were strangers. It was a natural defense for Eddie to shut people out from the start, or intentionally push them away when they got too close. But no matter how bitchy or cranky he was, he was having an incredibly hard time pushing Richie away.

Even when he tried, Richie was stubborn. Worst of all, he was understanding. 

“See you next week Rich.” He smiled, standing up for his stop. He turned to face the doors but Richie’s hand flew up to grab his wrist.

“Hey, wait!” He let go and dug into his pocket, whipping out his phone. “Can I get your number? I don’t want the weekend to stop us anymore.”

Eddie grabbed it gently, looking down at it and back to Richie. “But the weekend is my break from you.” He smirked, typing in his number anyway. 

Richie’s face cracked into a grin, taking the phone back. “See ya Eds.”

“Eddie.” He corrected, shaking his head as he got off of the train. It wasn’t even ten seconds after the doors shut before his phone was buzzing in his pocket. He pulled it out quickly, and sure enough, it was from an unknown number with a three-lettered text.

Eds.

Eddie laughed quietly to himself, sliding it back into his pocket while he thought of a reply on his walk to the office. He felt like a little kid again, itching with giddiness to text back, feeling impatient. He knew that if he did, Richie would undoubtedly try to start a conversation, and Eddie didn’t have time for that. He was extremely busy and need as little distraction as possible.

And when he even so much as thought of Richie, he became very distracted.

He didn’t like taking out his phone in the subway, especially at night. But he couldn’t wait any longer, so he typed a quick response, sending it before he could overthink it. 

Eddie: Rich. 

Richie: Oh thank God I thought you gave me a fake number or something

Eddie: Should I have?

Richie: You’ll have to find that out for yourself ;)

Eddie: You’re a grown man, don’t send me winky faces

Richie: :3

Eddie: I’m blocking you

Richie: :(

Eddie did not block him. In fact, they spent the majority of the weekend texting all day and night. He’d never been much of a texter, mostly because he had nobody to text. But with Richie it was easy to flow from conversation to conversation, a significant amount of time passing without him even noticing. Even when one of them took a while to respond or one of them fell asleep after a long night of talking, they always picked up right where they left off. The conversation never dried up, and it never felt awkward.

Even when the conversations paused, Eddie checked his phone obsessively to see if Richie messaged him. He went from having no attachment to his phone for anything besides his email to never letting it out of sight. He even turned it off vibration mode so he’d hear when he got a notification. And every time it wasn’t Richie, he felt genuine disappointment.

He’d been staring at the last text Richie had sent him for way too long, pacing his living room thinking about what to do. What to even say, what to even think. How to feel. He had to sit down, heart pumping as he re-read the message for the hundredth time.

Richie: Hey are you busy tonight? Maybe we can hang out before the weekends over

Half of Eddie was screaming at him to inquire further about it, a spark of excitement coursing through him. The other half was absolutely petrified. And as usual, one side usually won.

Eddie: Sorry, can’t tonight. I have some work to do for tomorrow

He smacked himself as soon as he hit send, feeling like a coward. This is why you are so lonely, you fucking idiot. This is why you’re always going to be lonely. 

Richie: No problem, maybe some other time

Eddie: Sure, see you tomorrow

They didn’t text as long as they usually did that night. But Eddie couldn’t fall asleep. He couldn’t even though he tried desperately. He tried everything from taking Melatonin to counting sheep, but no luck. 

“Mike, I’m fucked.” He hissed into the phone.

“Slow down tiger.” Mike chuckled. “ It’s really late by you, what’s going on?”

“I’m fucked.” He said again. “You remember that stranger I keep telling you about?”

“Richie from the train?”

“Yeah, that one.” Eddie huffed, pacing back and forth through his bedroom. “Well, we’ve been texting-”

“That’s great!”

“-Hold on, let me finish.” He dragged his hand through his hair, the need to sleep tugging at his eyes. “He asked me to hang out earlier.”

Mike was quiet on the other end for a moment. “So…”

“I chickened out and came up with some bullshit excuse.” He let his head thud against the wall.

“Eddie, just calm down.” Mike said gently. “You’re good. You’ll have plenty of times to hang out. When you’re ready. You deserve to have a good time.” You deserve to not be so lonely.

“I’m so fucking awkward.” He groaned. “I’ll just ruin it.”

“No you won’t.” Mike refuted quickly. “You’re not going to ruin anything, and you’re not awkward. He asked you for your number. He wouldn’t have if he thought you were awkward.”

“He doesn’t know that yet. He’s a stranger.”

“Still?”

“Yes! We met on a train!”

“It doesn’t matter where you met, Eddie.” Mike laughed. “Not everyone has to be a stranger.”

Those words hit Eddie like a ton of bricks. This was just another instance of Eddie trying to push Richie away. And maybe it was working this time. He felt a sudden wave of nausea just thinking about it. About how he let himself get so scared, and he didn’t even need his mother’s help doing it. “I have to go, I have work in the morning.” He said quietly. “Thanks Mike.”

He felt bad hanging up on him before he could even answer, but his mind was all over the place. No amount of Melatonin or sheep counting was going to help him sleep. 

Eddie felt more like a zombie when he woke up the next morning than he’d ever felt. He almost lulled himself to sleep brushing his teeth, that’s how exhausted he was. And it was all Richie’s fault. Maybe if he wasn’t so sickeningly nice with such a beautiful face and laugh, Eddie wouldn’t have felt so… weird.

That’s how he chose to describe those invasive thoughts and feelings. You’re being weird Eddie. He doesn’t like you like that. God, this is why no one should be nice to you. 

He poured Richie’s cup of coffee but added an extra two shots of espresso into his, marking it with a sharpie so he didn’t give Richie the wrong one. He hated how cold it was outside, as always, but at least it woke him up a considerable amount. No human being could resist how alert the frigid air makes you.

He padded down the stairs and into the subway, nearly collapsing in his designated spot next to Richie. It wasn’t too crowded for a Monday, which Eddie silent thanked the Universe for. 

“You okay?” Richie asked when Eddie weakly offered him his coffee. “You look dead.”

“Wow, thanks.” 

“No, not like-” He paused to laugh. “You don’t look dead, you look great as always. You’re acting dead is what I meant.”

“I feel like shit.” Eddie grumbled, rubbing his eyes like a toddler. “I didn’t get any sleep last night.”

“Work?”

No you, you idiot. “Yeah. It’ll be a miracle if I don’t pass out at my desk. I foresee many cups of coffee today.” He sipped from his coffee, feeling no sense of it helping rid the ache of sleepiness.

“Well, if you want you can nap here.” Richie shrugged. “I’ll wake you up at your stop if you want.” He smiled at him kindly, and Eddie’s heart skipped a beat.

Eddie Kaspbrak would never sleep on a train. That was asking for something bad to happen, he’s seen the viral videos. “Seriously?” He asked, hoping that it was a joke. But also hoping that it wasn’t.

“Yeah man.” He nodded. “At least it will give you some energy before work. I promise you won’t miss your stop.”

“And I’m supposed to believe you?”

“You got me, I’ve befriended you this entire time just so I could rob you while you’re asleep.” He laughed, gesturing between them. “What, you don’t trust me?” 

No, he’s a stranger Eddie. “Okay.” He said wearily, easing back in his seat, a firm clutch on his briefcase. “If I miss my stop I’m going to kill you.”

“I wouldn’t dare doubt that.” His smile was even wider if it was possible. “You’re going to get a kink in your neck if try to stay board stiff while you rest.” He patted his shoulder in invitation. “You can lean on me. I’m less dirty than this chair, by a little bit at least.”

Eddie huffed out a laugh at the joke, cringing just at the thought of how filthy the seats probably were. He certainly didn’t want to risk his head tipping over and coming into contact with anything else. Yeah Eddie, THAT’S why you’re gonna lean on him… He let Richie take his coffee from him and gingerly rested the side of his head on one of the broad shoulders, humming at how weirdly comfortable it felt. How weirdly right it felt. 

“Sweet dreams.” Richie whispered smugly, and Eddie elbowed him gently before shutting his eyes. He didn’t expect it to work, he wasn’t a “nap” guy. But he’d underestimated how tired he was, because he was jolted awake by firm hands giving him a gentle shake.

“Hey sleeping beauty, you’re next stop.” 

Eddie blinked away just as the doors closed, and sure enough, they were headed for his stop next. He sat up, rolling his head and shoulders to wake up his muscles. “That was fast.”

“Feel better?”

“Yeah, a lot better.” He yawned, blinking his eyes more awake. He was still awfully tired, but not nearly as incapacitated as he felt before. “Thanks.”

“No problem.” He nodded. “And before you ask, yes you’re hair still looks fine.”

“Fuck you, I was not going to ask that.”

“You totally were.” He snickered, handing him his coffee after he stretched. “No shame.”

The smile on Eddie’s face, which he didn’t even know was there at first, fell suddenly. He realized that he’d eaten up all of their time to talk. Sure, he texted Richie routinely every night, but it wasn’t the same. He got emojis and stupid memes but he didn’t see Richie’s smile. He couldn’t hear his laugh or his soothing voice. He stood up abruptly, getting ready for his stop.

“See ya Eds, wonderful being your bed this morning-”

“Do you want to hang out later?” Eddie blurted, a little louder than he meant for the quiet car. 

Richie looked dumbfounded almost, opening and closing his mouth a few times. “Hang out? Like later tonight?” Eddie nodded quickly, jamming one hand in his pocket and gripping his coffee tighter with the other to stop them from shaking. “Sure, I’d love to. Do you know when… and where?”

“No clue.” Eddie laughed nervously. “You choose I guess. Um, text me?”

“Yeah, sure.” He nodded, clearly still confused, but with a hint of amusement. “I’ll text you about it. We’ll figure it out.”

“Okay. Cool.” Eddie swallowed, begging for the train to stop and open the doors so that he could escape the mess he’d made.

“Cool.” Richie agreed, grinning up at him. “Don’t fall asleep at work okay? If you get fired I’ll lose my train partner.”

“I’ll try, bye!” He squeaked, sliding off of the train and gliding up the stairs. “‘You’re not awkward.’” He mocked in a deep voice talking to himself as he swiftly walked. “So much for that. Fuck you Mike.”

At least he was wide awake when he got into his office.

“Fuck you Mike.” He told him when he got home. “That was terrible.”

“But he said yes didn’t he?” Mike laughed over the phone. “When did he say to get to his place?”

“He said ‘anytime after eight is fine.’ What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?”

“You’re overthinking it. I’m actually surprised you’re going to him.”

“Well I’m not going to just tell him where I live. Besides, I gave you his address so if he decides to murder me you can lead the police to my last known whereabouts. Great now you’re making me overthink it even more. What if he fucking kills me?”

“You called me Eddie.”

“I know, you’re my crisis manager. I’m freaking out.”

“Why? He sounds like a nice guy, I’d love to meet him one day.”

“You know what, you both would get along great for some weird reason. He’s probably that person that gets along with everyone.”

“Deep breaths Eddie, you’ll be fine. Just be you.” He said gently. “And for the record, if he does murder you, I’ll make sure your funeral is lovely.”

No one would show up. “Thanks Mike, you’re the best. I call you if I make it out alive.”

“Godspeed my friend.”

After a brief panic attack on his kitchen floor, Eddie took a shower and dressed in something more casual than his work clothes. He settled on a light blue polo and a pair of black jeans, combing his hair until he thought his head was going to bleed. He just wanted to look nice, but at the same time, he didn’t want to admit to himself the real reason why he cared so much about his appearance. 

Richie didn’t live far at all, which made sense considering they go onto the train at the same stop. But Eddie still caught a ride to his apartment, just to avoid the cold. It was a little after eight, and he’d sent Richie a text letting him know he was on his way, but Eddie spent at least five minutes pacing the lobby of the building. 

Whether he was psyching himself out or hyping himself up, he didn’t know. But finally, he gritted his teeth and pressed the buzzer, tapping his foot and fidgeting with his hands while he waited. Richie didn’t bother asking who it was, and Eddie walked towards the elevator on shaky legs. 

He watched a lot of movies in the past, and he felt like he was in one. He couldn’t tell if it was a rom-com or a horror though. He could hear music playing on the other side of the door, muffled words but loud enough for him to pick up a beat. You Make My Dreams by Hall and Oats. Nice.

He hesitantly raised up his hand, taking a deep breath before ringing the doorbell. It sounded like things slowed down inside, and the music shut off. There was a brief shuffling before the door clicked open, and Eddie didn’t even realize he’d been holding his breath.

“Hey you.” Richie smiled down at him, and Eddie was reminded of how much taller he was. 

“Hey.” He smiled back, nodding in towards the apartment behind him. “I liked that song.”

“I’ll put it back on if you want.” He laughed, stepping aside to let him in. “Welcome to mi casa.”

“I didn’t know what you like, so I just got a little something.” He held up the bottle of Rosé sheepishly. Richie’s eyes widened with excitement, taking the bottle gently and inspecting it.

“The fancy stuff.” He smirked. “I’m sure we’ll make good use of it.”

“Yeah.” Eddie swallowed, glancing around the living room and kitchen. “So what’s the plan?”

“I figured you’ve done enough traveling today. Are you okay with eating here?” He nodded towards the pots on his stove. “I made dinner, wasn’t sure if you’d eaten or not. I know it’s kind of late.”

“I could eat.” He shrugged, aware of how actually hungry he was. 

“Good, cool! You okay with pasta? Bucatini with pesto. I tossed some mozzarella and tomato in it too, don’t worry it’s peanut and gluten free.”

“That- yeah that sounds great.” Very thoughtful, that fucker. “I didn’t know you’re a chef.”

“Not yet.” Richie chuckled, sliding into the kitchen to grab some bowls and utensils. “I’m working on the chef title, but I’m not that savvy yet.”

“Bucatini is not a pasta that unsavvy people cook.”

“You got me there. Make yourself at home, I can give you a tour as soon as we’re done eating. Get comfortable in the meantime.”

“Do you need any help?” Eddie asked, feeling somewhat useless as he stood to the side and watched.

“Nope, I got this. You’ve been working all day man, just relax.”

“Kay.” He bit his bottom lip, slowly walking to the small couch, seeing as there was no dining table in sight. But Eddie couldn’t judge, he ate most of his meals at his kitchen counter. “Do you want me to take my shoes off?” He asked, shedding his coat off and folding it neatly on the arm of the couch.

“Do I seem like the type of person to care about that?”

Eddie assumed the answer to that was a resounding no, so he kept them on as he sat gingerly. He took in the apartment for a moment before focusing on Richie. He was wearing ripped blue jeans that hugged his ankles, but they weren’t skinny jeans by any means. But Eddie wasn’t a jeans expert so he moved on to admiring his broad shoulders covered by a dark blue and green flannel.

It was a stark comparison to his usual wacky button-ups with vibrant patterns. It was less offensive to the eyes, that was just a fact. But Eddie still found himself missing them. Which was why he couldn’t stop the smile that bloomed on his face when he caught sight of Richie’s socks as he padded out of the kitchen. “Nice socks.”

Richie paused, looking down at his feet before handing a bowl of pasta and a glass of wine to Eddie. “Oh these? These are one of my favorite pairs.” They were a vibrant blue with pieces of sushi on them, and as if that wasn’t goofy enough, they had smiley faces on them.

“Cute.” Eddie said absentmindedly. “Much more fun than my boring socks.”

“Nonsense, black is sexy.”

Eddie ignored the way his face was heating up. “I knew you’d have a weird fetish.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?!”

“You’re a weirdo!”

“Excuse you! Did you know that one in seven people have a foot fetish? It’s more common than you’d think.” He laughed from the kitchen, padding back over to the couch so he could sit with his own bowl of pasta and glass of wine. “For the record, I don’t. But I do have this odd fetish for being bodyslammed on trains…” Eddie set his things on the coffee table, looking straight at the front door ready to get up. “No! Kidding, kidding Eds!” Richie laughed maniacally, tugging on his wrist for him to sit back down.

He did, shaking his head and trying desperately not to laugh. “You think you’re so funny.”

“It’s how I make my living. We can’t all be good with numbers.” He grinned, clicking his wine glass against Eddie’s. “If we had to switch jobs I’d fail miserably and you’d ace it.”

“I can’t perform in front of people.” Eddie scoffed, twirling his fork into the pasta bowl. “And if I could I’d feel bad for outshining you.”

“Oh I’m almost certain you would.” He watched Eddie eat a fork full of pasta, carefully examining his reaction.

“Do you always watch your guests eat?” 

“I’m just making sure I gave you the poisoned one instead of switching them by accident.”

Eddie cracked a smile, both at the joke and the burst of flavor filling his mouth. “Well poison or not, this is really good. It’s been a while since I’ve had a home cooked meal.”

“Not a fan of cooking?” Richie asked, sipping loudly from his glass after swallowing a large fork of pasta. “It’s therapeutic for me I guess. It can be fun to just play with it. Sometimes you win and sometimes you give yourself food poisoning.”

“If you actually poison me I’ll push you onto the train tracks tomorrow.” He threatened playfully. “I guess I never really had time for it. I’m at the office pretty late and I uh… never really had to cook for myself. I got married right after college.”

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want.”

“I know.” He nodded, chewing carefully on another spoon of pasta. “It’s just… been a while, I don’t know. And my mom cooked for me before that.” Don’t tell him about her Eddie. “So yeah, I might be good at numbers but I don’t know the first thing about a stove or oven.”

“That’s okay.” Richie hummed, listening to him intently. “You know if you ever need anything, I’d be happy to cook for you.”

“Thanks.” Eddie could feel the blush creeping up onto his neck. “That means a lot.”

“Anytime. So how was it?”

“How was what?”

“Being cooked for.” He smirked. “I mean my mom was a culinary genius in the kitchen. My dad may have been a dentist but we still ate whatever. She made the best chowder I’ve ever had in my life. What’s the best thing that she’s cooked for you?”

“My mom or my ex-wife?” Eddie swallowed.

“Either, or both. Whatever you want to talk about.”

It was like Richie was staring into his soul. A part of Eddie was screaming at him to shut up, to not say anything about either of them. But the other part was desperately pleading for him to say something, to not push him away. To stop putting up walls for the first time in his life.

“It was terrible.” He snorted. “Myra, my ex-wife, she was better. But we basically had the same things. Not a very diverse cook. My mom though she… it’s a long story.”

“I’m a good listener.” Richie hummed, resting his head on a close fist, propped up by the couch. “You don’t have to obviously.” He said again.

“Yeah.” He swirled the small bit of pasta he had leftover, his appetite evaporated. “I’ll tell you. But it’s not a very fun story.”

“Give me one sec, I’m going to cover the pot so it doesn’t get cold.” Richie stood, quickly throwing a piece of tin foil over the pot of leftover pasta, returning with the bottle of wine to refill their glasses. “Okay, continue. I promise I’ll shut up.”

“You’re incapable of shutting up.” Eddie raised his eyebrows at him, placing his bowl to the side. “My mom had Munchausen by Proxy. Basically she made me believe I had a bunch of shit wrong with me. Mental and physical.” His voice was already trembling, and his heart felt like it was going to burst out of his chest.

“Eddie…”

“You said you wouldn’t talk, Rich.” He swallowed thickly, fidgeting with his hands, afraid to make eye contact. But he could still feel how intensely he was staring at him. “She just kind of snapped after my dad died, but I can’t remember a time before she was like that. I was young when it all started. So I believed her. I spent my whole childhood believing that I was allergic to everything, that sugar was going to kill me.” He laughed morbidly. “She told me that other people were dirty, that the other kids at school would get me sick. I didn’t realize she was lying to me until I figured out that my inhaler was just a placebo. I wasn’t having asthma attacks, they were anxiety attacks. Kind of explains how fucked up I am till this day-”

“You’re not fucked up.” Richie scoffed quietly, cutting him off. “Sorry. But you’re not.”

“Well after she died I married a woman just like her.” He rubbed his temples, regretting bringing up the topic. “That’s pretty fucked up if you asked me.”

“So, you’re divorced now right?”

“Almost.” He nodded. “It’s a long process, but it’s been over for a while now. I never really-” I never really loved her. “It was hard, but it had to be done.” He finally looked up, catching Richie’s eyes, and the way he was staring at him was suffocating. “What about you? Any ex drama you want to dish out?”

It was a desperate attempt to move off of the subject, and thankfully Richie didn’t question it. “Not really.” He chuckled, taking a big gulp of wine. “I haven’t been in many relationships. It took me a while to even acknowledge that I was into guys.”

“When did you figure it out?”

“I always knew.” He sighed. “But it was hard to accept. Especially when you just want to be normal. But I’m far from normal, clearly. I embrace it a lot more now.”

“Does your family know?”

He nodded, smiling gently. “The parents took it well. I’m sure some aunts and uncles weren’t too thrilled but I haven’t had anyone disown me or anything. My closest friends know, but that’s about it. It was hard, but at a certain point I was ready to be myself.”

Eddie wondered how many close friends he really had for him to have told Eddie, a complete stranger that he’d met on the train. He was jealous too, craving the feeling of being himself. But he didn’t even know who he was. 

They burned through the entire bottle of wine while they chatted, talks about the past and talks about the future. Sometimes it got deep, and other times they talked about silly things. Like about if water is wet or if a roof is a wall. It was nice, and Eddie felt much more relaxed than when he first arrived. Maybe he had the wine to thank.

Or maybe it was just Richie. He had a loud personality, filled with jokes and impressions, but he was disturbingly smart. He was able to keep up with Eddie when he talked about math, his job, cars, everything that Eddie usually couldn’t speak about with people. 

And he was still as disturbingly nice and understanding as always. For the first time in his life, Eddie felt like he could be himself. Whatever that meant. 

“If you don’t cook, what are you doing for Thanksgiving?” Richie finished up his refill of pasta, slurping sloppily for effect. 

“Not sure.” He lied, knowing well that he had nothing planned. “Probably nothing.” He admitted.

“Nothing for Thanksgiving?”

“My friends are scattered across the world right now. Mike and Bill are in Rome. They travel alot, spontaneous adventures and all that. And I don’t have the family connections to have a normal holiday.” He chewed the inside of his cheek. “My birthday was a couple of weeks ago. I didn’t have any plans either.”

“It was your birthday?” Richie frowned. “What the fuck, why didn’t you tell me?”

“I don’t like making it a big deal.” He shrugged. “I’m not a celebratory person. Besides, it was a weekday anyway. I had work.”

“So? You have work tomorrow don’t you.” Richie sounded genuinely upset, hurt even. “We could’ve just done this man, you wouldn’t have had to be alone.”  

“You don’t get it!” Eddie snapped, feeling bad when Richie recoiled. “I’ve always been alone, okay. That’s who I am. So yeah, birthdays aren’t a big deal and Thanksgiving will probably be takeout and football. It’s okay, it’s just… how it is. I don’t need you to pity me or offer you to cook for me. I’m fine.” He was trying to convince himself more than anyone. 

Richie stared at him with sad eyes. “Sounds pretty lonely Eds.”

It was like a dam broke inside of Eddie. He’d never felt chest pain like then, and he was sure he was going to have a heart attack. He was right, it did sound lonely. But being lonely was never a problem for Eddie. He liked being alone, right?

Right?

He thought back to all of the times he’d been alone. All of the times where he wished he wasn’t. Birthdays, holidays, cold nights… he remembered how it felt to be so lonely and to not want to be. Eddie was sick of being so alone. 

He shook quietly with internal laughter. Laughing was the only thing that made the realization hurt a little less. Plus, he gave him a cover to wipe the water flooding his eyes. Because it wasn’t funny. It wasn’t fucking funny.

“Are you okay?”

“No.” Eddie answered the question honestly for the first time in his life. “I don’t know why I’m laughing. You’re right, it’s lonely. It’s so fucking lonely that it hurts.” 

Richie reached for his hand, and Eddie had to fight the urge to back away, to run. “You don’t have to be lonely you know. You’ve got me now.”

His hands were trembling now, and he grabbed Richie’s hand tightly despite his next words. “You’re a stranger.” 

Richie’s mouth straightened into a tight, thin line. “No. I’m not.” He said matter of factly. “You know me, man. And I know you.” He sat up a little straighter on the couch, not breaking eye contact. He was a level of serious that Eddie had never seen from him, and he couldn’t break his gaze if he tried. “I know you’re dad died when you were young, from cancer. You just opened up to me about your mom, which I know was probably hard for you, but I know about it now. And I tell you about my parents all the time. You told me about Bill and Mike, and I told you all about Beverly, Ben, and Stan. I know how you take your coffee. I know your favorite color is cerulean blue, whatever that means. I know you secretly like metal, and your favorite band is Dream Theater. You like cars, and you know all about them like you’re a mechanic or Nascar driver or some shit. I know that you’re still iffy about gluten and sugar even though you devour the vanilla scones I bring you sometimes, but now I know why. I know that you have an actual peanut allergy and that you carry an EpiPen with you even though you aren’t deathly allergic. I know you went to NYU for a business degree. I told you how I moved here from LA, and you know what I do, sort of. I know what you do for work, even though it sounds fucking miserable. I even know that your favorite dinosaur is a Carnotaurus, like who the hell even knows what that is!” He laughed to himself, then sighed in relief when Eddie cracked a smile. “I can keep going too. So please stop calling me a stranger. I don’t want us to be strangers.”

“Even though I’m a nutjob?” Eddie snorted when Richie nodded confidently, wiping at his eyes again with his free hand. “You know, for as long as I can remember I’ve felt like my life has been off the rails. It’s just… It’s just been easier to push people away. Save me the disappointment.” 

“You don’t have to do that. You shouldn’t have to do that.” He said gently. “You’re life doesn’t have to be off the rails.”

“Well, you can’t get into a trainwreck when you’re off the tracks.”

“Poetic.” He snickered. “Well, how can we get you back on track?” 

“I think you’ve done enough.” 

“I want to do more.” Richie licked his lips slowly. “You’re the reason I finally bought gloves and a hat. Without you, I’d be frozen to death by now. It’s my turn to help you.”

“I’m scared.” Eddie whispered, suddenly realizing how close they were sitting. He could practically smell the wine on Richie’s breath. He was so close, he could just lean in and they’d be there. All he had to do was lean forward.

“You don’t have to be, it’s okay.” Richie mirrored his whisper, eyes scanning over his entire face. He was right there. He was so close it was hard to breathe. If Eddie didn’t know better, Richie was going to kiss him. 

“I have to go.” He said softly, gently backing away.

“Oh.” Richie leaned back away too, clearing his throat. “Okay. Do you want me to-”

“No.” Eddie stopped him, before he could say anything. Before he could offer anything else. “I’m fine. I don’t need- I’m good.”

“Eddie.”

“I have work.” He said quickly, briskly standing up from the couch. “I need to go home.”

Richie stood up too. “Eddie.” He said again, more pleading this time.

“I had fun. Food was great, thanks for tonight.” He babbled on, throwing his coat on and making a beeline for the door.

“Eddie please, just wait one second.”

“I have to go Richie.” He fiddled with the door nob, feeling like it was hard to breathe. There was a pregnant pause, neither of them moving. “Please just let me leave. Please.”

Finally, he got the door open and broke out into the hallway in a swift walk, completely frazzled. He didn’t look back, but he didn’t have to for him to know Richie was watching him. He skipped the elevator and took the stairs, nearly tumbling down several times. Eddie hated crying, it was the absolute most pointless way of grief, or so he thought.

Yet he cried his entire walk home, not even bothering to call a cab. When he finally got into his own apartment he locked himself in the bathroom and cried some more. This is what he always did, push people away. Good and bad people. It saved him the disappointment of them letting him down, but now the only person letting him down was himself.

“You need to calm down, I can’t understand what’s going on.” Mike said into the phone, voice alarmed. “What happened?”

“I fucked it up!” Eddie screamed, throwing a plastic spoon across his kitchen dramatically. “Why do I always fuck it up! It was going so well Mike. So well- fuck I really like him.”

“Why is it such a bad thing?”

“Mike, I’m gay.” The words ripped through him so violently that he crumbled to his kitchen floor. It was almost as if an immense weight had been lifted from his shoulders. It was like the feeling you get when you’re in a dark room but the sun begins to bleed through the curtain. It was like acceptance, self-acceptance, finally after forty years.

After forty years, Eddie admitted it to himself. Out loud, no beating around the bush.

It didn’t make it any less scary though. The silence was almost deafening as he sat on the cold tiles, letting tears of relief stream down his face, waiting patiently. Patience wasn’t easy for him, but it was the least he could give. For Mike and himself.

“Eddie, I mean this with all of the love in the world.” Mike chuckled lightly. “I don’t care.” 

Eddie laughed too, palming his face. His heart was beating faster than the speed of light, but it was all clear now. The pressure on his soul faded, replaced by a light buzz of comfort. 

“In fact.” He continued, and Eddie could hear the smile on his face. “I think the only person who probably does care is Richie. Talk to him tomorrow.”

“I have to.” Eddie agreed, sprawling out on his kitchen floor. “I drank too much wine for this.”

“When Bill and I get back you owe us a wine night too.” 

“Yeah, okay. That could be fun.”

“You can bring Richie.” 

I hate you. He meant to say, but instead came out “I love you, Mike.”

“I love you too Eddie. Get some sleep tonight, try not to think about it.”

They both knew that wasn’t happening. 

The only thing on his mind was Richie. He stood up later than he had in decades, rethinking every conversation, every little word. Thinking about how things could’ve ended differently if he wasn’t so afraid. May he wouldn’t have even left Richie’s apartment.

Would they have actually kissed? Would Richie have let him stay the night? Would they have slept together? So many questions that Eddie did not have time to answer, and no matter how badly he wanted to go back in time and be braver, he couldn’t.

But he desperately wished he could, so much that it made his head pound and heart ache.

When Eddie blinked his eyes open, the morning light was much brighter than it usually was. He brushed it off for a minute of letting his mind and body wake up. Well, he was fully awake once he checked his phone and saw the time. “Oh fuck, shit, fuck my life.” He nearly fell out of bed after wrestling free from the sheets, running extremely late.

“Fuck, fucking fuck fuck.” He gritted to himself as he quickly put an outfit together, not having planned one last night like he normally did. He left his apartment without his hair gelled, without coffee, and without even his teeth brushed. “How the fuck did you forget to set your alarm, you absolute idiot.” He scolded himself, dashing down the street towards the subway entrance.

He was almost down the stairs when he felt the rumble of the train through the ground. Sure enough, he turned the corner to catch the train just taking off, leaving him behind on the empty platform. He nearly threw his briefcase onto the tracks, feeling so defeated. He fumbled in his pocket for his phone, needing to check for the next train and to text Richie. To try and salvage any chance of keeping him, of not becoming strangers again.

“Fuck!” He shouted, his voice echoing through the subway.

He almost fell onto the tracks when a voice startled him from behind. “Eddie?”

He whipped around, faced with Richie, who always managed to take his breath away. He looked disheveled too, his curly hair even more wild than usual, and God did Eddie want to run his fingers through it. He was wearing the new coat he’d bought, and in each of his gloved hands was a cup of coffee. “Richie, I’m so sorry. I was running late-”

“Thank fuck.” Richie exhaled, visibly relieved. “I thought I scared you away.”

Eddie was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with all sorts of feelings. 

Relieved and happy that Richie was there, but also angry that he was now making himself late too by waiting for him. “You’re going to be late now too, you should’ve just gotten on. You have my number.”

“I didn’t know you were running late. I thought you were avoiding because of last night.” He trailed off, taking a deep breath. “Can I confess something?” He didn’t really wait for Eddie to answer before he started speaking again. “When we met on the train that day, I wasn’t going to work. I haven’t been going to work this entire time. Well, I have, but not from this train.”

“Wait, what?”

“I do comedy, and most of my shows are at night. When we met I was craving a slice from my favorite pizza place, but then I ran into you. When we started talking I decided not to get off. And then I figured I’d try to see you again, but I didn’t want to look like a total creep so I just made it a habit of getting on to take the train with you. At least until I could gather the courage to ask you for your number… I didn’t think it would’ve gone on this long.”

“You- you’ve been taking this train just to see me?” He blinked slowly at Richie’s slow nod of confirmation. It all added up. Richie never brought anything with him on the train, and Eddie’s never seen or asked where he got off. Hell, he never even asked where Richie worked. “And you left to go eat pizza that early in the morning?”

“That’s your issue?”

“Why did you stay Richie?” Eddie tried hard to search his eyes for an answer while they fell silent. He needed to ask, no matter how scary the question was. No matter how confused he still was that someone would go so out of their way to spend time with him. 

“Because Eds, I want to show you how amazing you are.” He huffed out a nervous laugh. “I want to spend time with you all the time, whenever you leave I just miss you. I want to spend Thanksgiving together, I want to take you out on a real date, maybe get married.” He grinned when Eddie choked on a laugh of his own. “I don’t know if you’re even into guys, but I just have this connection with you. You’re so special. And I don’t want you to ever put yourself down again, I don’t want you to push people away. Fuck that little voice in your head telling you that you need to be lonely, mphf-”

The rest of his sentence was muffled by Eddie’s mouth. He had to stand on his tippy toes to reach him, his gloved hands tugging him down by the sides of his face. Both of their lips were a bit chapped due to the cold air, but it still sent a shockwave down Eddie’s spine. Because Richie was kissing him back, enthusiastically to say the least. It was the first time Eddie’s been kissed in a while. It was his first time kissing a guy, period. And it was good. More than good, very good.

Extremely good. 

“Oh my God… I didn’t brush my teeth this morning.” He stepped back, mortified. Richie looked dazed, hands fumbling with both cups of coffee. He shoved one into Eddie’s hands, using his free hand to tug him back in for another liplock. They hummed against each other, surprisingly able to grab at each other without spilling coffee everywhere.

“Who made you so cute?” Richie chuckled with a sigh, letting him go gently so he could get off of his tippy toes.

“Who made you so tall?” He fired back, his face hot and chest warm. He felt safe, the feeling of comfort and adoration flooding every pore of him. “I really like you.”

It seemed to take Richie off guard for a moment, but he recovered quickly. “I don’t think I’ve ever liked someone as much as you.” He gripped Eddie’s free hand with his. “So you don’t think I’m some stalker freak?” 

“No. You are a freak, but not the bad kind.”

“That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

“I literally just told you I like you. That I really like you.”

“I know, I just wanted to hear you say it again.” He smirked, pressing a chaste to Eddie’s temple. “I’m sorry you’re late. I’ll wait with you for the next-”

“Fuck work.” Eddie griped. “I want to go to this famed pizza shop you speak so highly of.”

“Are you asking me on a date?”

“Whatever toots your horn.” He scoffed, squeezing his hand. “So yeah?”

“Right now?” He raised an eyebrow, and all Eddie wanted to do was kiss him again. And maybe never stop. “Yeah, of course.”

For the first time in as long as he could remember, Eddie called his job and took a “sick day.” The pizza there was pretty good, and Eddie kind of understood Richie’s motivation to soothe his craving for it that fateful morning. Being with Richie made him completely forget how disgusted he normally would’ve been eating without his teeth brushed. And he didn’t even hear his mother’s nagging voice in his head lecturing about eating not one, but two slices of pizza.

He didn’t hear his own voice lecturing himself either. Fuck that little voice in your head telling you that you need to be lonely.

He was relaxed walking down the street hand in hand with Richie, passing slowly by the Rockefeller Christmas tree. And when Richie kissed him, he felt more alive than he’d ever felt before. Richie had a stranger take a picture of them together in front of the tree, and Eddie sent it to Mike with a thumbs-up emoji. 

He felt his phone vibrate with several responses, but Eddie didn’t check them right away. He didn’t want anything to distract him from living in the moment, ever again. Especially if it was a moment with Richie.

“I can’t believe we met because I fell into you.” He said softly, pulling away from his lips gently, his hands carefully caressed the hairs at the base of Richie’s neck.

They’d been kissing so frequently that Richie’s lips were bruising. “Guess you could say you fell for me huh?” 

“I did. I am, still. If I could do it again I would hit you a little harder though.”

“That’s sweet, Eddie my love.” The nickname felt like electricity through Eddie, and he had to grip Richie’s arm a little tighter to keep from literally melting in his spot. 

“Hey, at least you don’t have to wake up at the crack of dawn to get on a train with me anymore.”

“Yeah, but I’d still do it.” Richie walked with him to the nearest subway. “I never regretted a single ride. Plus, I have an unlimited metro card. Where do you want to go now?”

“You’re ridiculous. Take me back to your place.” Eddie huffed as they held onto each other, walking down the icy stairs together. It was only getting colder as the day progressed, but Eddie felt so warm inside that he didn’t even notice. Damn, I really really like him.

They walked onto the train this time holding hands, squeezing together to fit in the crowded car. Eddie wished that they’d just taken a cab or Ubered, but that went out the window when Richie tugged him close to him so they weren’t falling all over the train. He was tall enough to hold on to the top bars of the train to hold them steady, Eddie clinging onto his torso. 

He rested his head against his chest, Richie’s nose nuzzled into the top of his head, warm breath in his hair, and he didn’t feel alone anymore. Loner Eddie was gone, replaced with a whole new version of himself. He never wanted to feel lonely again, and Richie won’t let him.