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No matter how absurd or how terrifying his dreams, Changgeng knew there was always Guyun at the end of the vast darkness. No matter how bloody, no matter how deafening the cries of horror were, no matter how maddening the dreams were, Changgeng knew there was always that faint medicinal scent wrapping him and maintaining his sanity.
Ever since Chen Qingxu gave him the procedure to seal half of the Wu Er’gu poison in him, Changgeng had dreamt less. He had never imagined that he would be freed from the forever haunting nightmares that had wrapped his heart tight like vines with thorns. He would only dream occasionally and in dreams, his consciousness nevertheless remained. Now that he dreamt less, he felt bizarrely unsettled instead.
Changgeng had no idea why he felt unsettled. It was not as if the Imperial Court which he had purged would come up with new rats and it was not as if the western army had any Ziliujin left to wage another prolonged war. Perhaps, it was because he had not yet grown accustomed to the state of proper slumber, after all, he had never known the comfort of good night sleep since the day Xiuniang brought him to Yanhui town when he was a child. Perhaps, it was because he no longer saw the figure of Guyun at the very end of his dreams.
It did not matter to him how much pain he had to endure because as long as he could get a glimpse of Guyun’s shadow in his dreams, the pain he felt would become mere numbness. Just like how he used to claw himself just to liberate himself from the haunting of the northern barbarian shamanic poison… In the end, it was all numb as long as Guyun was safe.
Emperor Taishi Limin still found resting a peculiar concept despite nagging it to his beloved Marshal frequently. Changgeng was relieved to have Guyun beside him during the night, it halved the anxiousness he had whenever he had to confront ‘sleep’.
“Sleep, I am here.” Guyun would always whisper so in his ear before giving in to the temptation of slumber first.
Changgeng could hear the faint breathing of Guyun. Knowing that Guyun was safe in his arms, Changgeng’s lips tugged into a fond smile as he gazed at Guyun’s pale face. Guyun’s pale face seemed ashen under the pouring moonlight from the window, making him look dead. If it wasn’t for his rising and falling chest as well as his faint breathing, Changgeng thought he would have gone mad upon such a sight.
Feeling a squeeze in his chest, Changgeng pulled Guyun into his embrace and breathed out in an attempt to calm himself down. He was fated to be worried indeed.
For a moment, Changgeng found it ridiculous and could not help but smile. What was there to be concerned of when he had the whole empire, Linyuan Tower, Black Iron Camp and… Guyun in his hands? Everything was his except for his sense of security.
The insecurity that Xiuniang had planted in him through repeated abuse when he was a child still haunted him sometimes. Changgeng never regarded her as his mother or as his aunt. He had an inexplicable feeling towards that barbarian woman similar to how Guyun regarded Emperor Yuanhe, his estranged father.
Changgeng gently placed his lips on Guyun’s temple and proceeded to inhale deeply. The unfading medicinal scent pierced his nose and calmed him down momentarily. When he shut his eyes, anxiousness rose in his heart again.
Will Xiuniang appear? Will bloody nightmares plague me this time? Will Zixi appear at the end of the nightmares?
The notion appeared in his mind and he was immediately awake. His drowsiness and fatigue from dealing with a pile of affairs the whole day dissipated as if they never existed.
Changgeng sighed as he got up stealthily and left the chamber.
A eunuch who stood by the entrance approached Changgeng immediately and asked politely. “Your Majesty, should I light the calming fragrance?”
Changgeng smiled lightly at the thoughtful eunuch as he waved his hand. “Yes. Let Zixi sleep longer.”
The eunuch knew immediately that Changgeng would not be sleeping that night. He hurriedly inquired: “Where would Your Majesty be going? Should I have the palanquin readied?”
“That won’t be necessary.” Changgeng patted the old eunuch’s shoulder and went away.
“Y-Your Majesty…” The eunuch rushed to follow but Changgeng threw him a glance and he astutely stopped his track. He bowed respectfully towards Changgeng, seeing him off.
Where is His Majesty heading? He does not want the Marquis to know… The eunuch wondered. Soon, he had an idea where Emperor Taishi was heading and a chill ran down his spine straight away. Deep in his heart, he prayed hard so Marquis An Ding would remain asleep until morning.
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Four soldiers that stood on-guard throughout the night had never imagined that the Emperor Taishi would visit personally without even one attendant. They straightened their backs immediately and despised the fact they could not stand straighter than the beam of the building. After a moment of tension, they finally came to their senses.
Why is the Emperor here in the imperial prison?
It was rather weird for them to be so bewildered. Since the whole empire belonged to Emperor Taishi, who could forbid him from going to where he wanted? However, at the same time, they thought it was inappropriate for the revered emperor to visit the grim, bleak and sinful prison.
Changgeng smiled fondly at them and flattered: “Thank you for the hard work.”
“N-not at all, Your Majesty!” They exclaimed energetically. Clearly, Changgeng’s skill to make people feel honoured had never fallen behind. With that, Changgeng smoothly slipped into the entrance and only after approximately fifteen minutes did the entrance guards realize what they had just done.
The four soldiers exchanged stares as they prayed the same thing in their hearts, wishing that the Marshal would never get a whiff of this event so that their heads could remain intact for a longer time.
Changgeng walked in the prison familiarly with one destination in his mind. With each step he set, his heart grew heavier and cloudier as if it was infused with invisible dread. As his mind spun with countless queries, he subconsciously reached the very end of the prison.
When he realized, his gaze met with an inmate’s gaze. Suddenly, time seemed to stop and all the queries he had in his head were gone in a snap of fingers. There was nothing unusual from the inmate other than his body that looked skinnier than when they first met. His bones looked prominent and with dark circles under his eyes, the inmate looked grotesque. In contrast, his eyes gleamed bright and inside his eyes were an endless abyss.
The Third Prince of the Northern Barbarian stared at Changgeng blankly. Without anyone to assist him, he could barely function as any normal human being.
Changgeng thought he had come over for naught. He sighed as he spun to leave. However before he left a hoarse voice rang behind him. Changgeng turned around abruptly towards his distant nephew.
Mumbling in incoherent noises, the Northern Barbarian’s Third Prince crawled over.
Did Hu Ge’er initially want to mould me into him through torments?
Changgeng trembled at the sight of the barbarian. He clenched his fists as he maintained his composure in front of the teenage boy.
He could not understand what Xiuniang wanted to do for tormenting him endlessly with tears pouring from her eyes and after each torment, she would stop midway and as if she was another person, she would wipe away her tears as she looked at him coldly.
He could not fathom what kind of feeling Xiuniang had harboured towards him. Did she hate him for being a child born out of her sister and Emperor Yuanhe? Did she love him for being her nephew and her child at the same time?
‘No, you are not my child… you are not my child… you are not my child!’
Changgeng recalled Xiuniang’s hysteric cries when she discovered how his malformed toe had healed up on its own that day. As if he was going through the same torture, Changgeng felt his toe go numb. Droplets of sweat surfaced and rolled down his temple as his gaze was transfixed on the soulless teenage boy.
‘…by the name of an unparalleled goddess of Chang Sheng Tian may you be… blessed… In your whole life, your heart will contain only hatred, doubt, tyrannical bloodlust, and wherever you go there will be blood, dragging everyone with you… into… horrible…’
The voice of Hu Ge’er echoed in his ears and tossed him into a state of paralysis. His sight narrowed as if the teenage boy was all that he could see and everything else blackened as if they were swallowed by shadows of the past.
No one will love you. No one will treat you whole-heartedly. In your whole life, your heart will contain only hatred, doubt, tyrannical bloodlust, and wherever you go there will be blood, dragging everyone with you into a horrible death.
“Gu…Zixi… Gu Zixi… I hate you… I hate you…” Changgeng started to mumble as he grasped onto his chest strongly. A surge of resentment overflowed within his chest as if it was going to burst out of his ribs. “Zixi… Shiliu… Guyun… Yifu…” He struggled to maintain his consciousness.
The figure of the Barbarian Third Prince on four dissolved gradually.
Changgeng rubbed his eyes violently, trying to uphold his sense of reality. However, the next moment he turned towards the boy, Guyun was there instead.
“Zi…xi…?” Changgeng felt his heart sink.
Guyun was there on four with his head hanging low. His hair scattered on the ground. His nails were tainted red and there was a small puddle of blood below.
“Changgeng…” Guyun tilted his head to meet Changgeng’s gaze. There was dread in his eyes mixed with tremendous anguish. Black blood streamed down from his chapped lips as he said feebly, “I should not have…picked you up on that snowy day…”
Proceeding, Guyun dropped onto the ground lifelessly with void eyes staring at Changgeng.
Words that Guyun had said to him repeatedly surfaced in his head; all sorts of promises, lies, teasing, reproaching… and in the end of the horrible cycle was his ashen face Changgeng had just seen before he left the palace.
‘I will devote the rest of my life to you’
The image of Guyun stained in blood merged with the image of sleeping Guyun. Instantly, it felt as if Changgeng’s heart and breathing had stopped.
A layer of red seemed to veil Changgeng’s sight. Everything seemed red. Everything seemed surreal. Changgeng’s throat felt dry when his nose picked up the stench of blood.
“Lies… You lied to me, Gu Zixi. Lies!” Changgeng held onto his head. His breathing became erratic as his gaze scattered around the prison.
“Gu Zixi… Where are you… How dare you lie to me… Zixi…” He mumbled as he ran out of the unpleasant place. “You can’t leave me. You promised me. You can’t leave me.”
Changgeng muttered under his breath as he strode back to the palace. His steps were wobbly when he left the imperial prison. The guarding soldiers saw him off with a bewildered look but none of them dared to inquire so they let him go undisturbed.
I hate you. I hate you, Gu Zixi. Changgeng chanted in his mind as he approached his chamber.
“Leave.” Changgeng said hoarsely.
The eunuch saw him and noticed how lethargic he was so he hurriedly opened the door for Changgeng. He lowered his head, welcoming Emperor Taishi. He did not notice, however, that there was another pair of pupils in Changgeng’s eyes. Afterwards, the eunuch left as ordered.
Changgeng unsteadily approached Guyun who was sound asleep on the bed. The soft moonlight shone on his face, making him look picturesque. The collar to his inner robe was slightly loose. As usual, Marshal Gu slept with the posture of a dead man as if he was always ready to depart to the netherworld.
In front of such a view, Changgeng smiled fondly as he climbed onto the bed, hovering above the Guyun. His movement roused the sleeping Marquis. Guyun did not open his eyes. He fumbled around for Changgeng’s face and gave it a tender caress. Changgeng rubbed his cheek against the cold palm and gave the calloused hand a kiss. Then, he leaned downwards, shut his eyes and gave the pale lips a mouthful bite. Unlike what he usually did, the aggressive bite woke Guyun up.
Why is he awake? Guyun groaned as he circled his arms around Changgeng’s neck. Guyun wanted to pull Changgeng down onto the bed and tell him to rest but Changgeng would not budge. It was as if Changgeng was a fixed bedpost that would not move no matter how much strength he used.
Sensing something wrong, Guyun opened his eyes and squinted. Without his monocle, he could barely see anything out of the ordinary from Changgeng. Only when Changgeng parted their lips and opened his eyes that Guyun was suddenly alert.
“Chang—“
Before Guyun managed to call his name, a pair of hands swiftly choked his neck. The strength was exceptionally strong that Guyun felt his strength waning.
“I hate you… Gu Zixi, I hate you! Why did you forsake me? Why did you leave me?” Changgeng howled as his red eyes wavered. “Why did you lie!?”
“Chang…geng…” Guyun placed his palms on Changgeng’s face as he spoke in between gasps. “Sweetheart…”
That moment, a thread in Changgeng’s heart was severed. His hands which squeezed Guyun’s neck strongly began to tremble. Changgeng gritted his teeth and frowned as if he was fighting against an invisible nemesis. Soon, tears began to pour incessantly.
“Sweetheart… calm down.” Guyun breathed.
Immediately, Changgeng released Guyun as if he had touched something scorching hot. He leaped away from the bed and stared at his shaking hands in disbelief. “What am I doing… What did I do to Shiliu?”
Guyun wheezed as he gasped for air. He got up, looking at Changgeng who was completely overwhelmed by Wu Er’gu. Guyun’s heart tensed up. Shiliu? He wondered as he coughed a few times.
“Changgeng…” Guyun probed. “What are you doing?”
“Why was I choking you, Shiliu? Have I gone mad? Is this a dream? Yes… this must be another nightmare. How can Shiliu know about this poison? That dawdler only cares for his liquor every day.” Changgeng mumbled to himself as he hugged himself in fear.
“…” Guyun who was standing up almost lost his footing from Changgeng’s unintentional confession. So that is how Xiao Changgeng saw me…
Unfortunately, before Guyun managed to take a step forward. Changgeng turned to his right abruptly. With fear he stared at the empty corner of the room.
“Shut up… You are dead…” Changgeng murmured. “You are dead… Right… This is not Yanhui. This is a dream. I am on a merchant ship with Yifu, Xiao Ge, Xiao Cao and Master Liaoran. I need to calm down.”
“Changgeng!” Guyun exclaimed, successfully taking Changgeng’s attention. “Get a hold of yourself!”
Emperor Taishi looked at Guyun in confusion. “Yifu? Why are you here? Haven’t you departed to Xiyu? Or are you guilty of leaving me behind… Haha… for Marshal Gu to be guilt-ridden that he comes back... what kind of daydreaming is this…”
“Changgeng, wake up!” Guyun leapt forward, grabbing a hold of his shoulders. Marshal Gu firmly shook his shoulders, attempting to shake some senses out of him. Abruptly, Changgeng jumped out of his hands. As he looked at Guyun, he began to chuckle to himself.
In the silent night, in the emperor’s chamber, only his strange laughter echoed. “Marshal Gu, the commander of the Black Iron Camp, is guilt-ridden? What a joke!” Changgeng laughed so badly that he felt his jaws ache. After that round of laughter, he fell silent as he looked at the floor.
“Changgeng?” Guyun cautiously approached him and placed a hand on his shoulder.
“You should have let me die on that snowy day!” Changgeng growled from between his teeth. The dry eyes were once again streaming with tears. He took a few steps backwards and crouched down frantically. His hands reached to his own neck as he began to claw himself.
Guyun rushed forward, trying to wrestle away Changgeng’s hands. “Changgeng, calm down!”
“Zixi… It hurts…It hurts, Zixi.” Changgeng stammered as he cried. For the young man who had always restrained himself since he was a child, only in such a confused state would he pour his heart out. Guyun’s heart ached terribly but he knew he must not lose his composure in order to get Changgeng’s consciousness back.
“Zixi… why are you so kind to me even in dreams… What am I supposed to do when I am crammed between you and pain? No… even if agony is the consequence of being with you, I would choose it without a moment of hesitation but… it hurts… Zixi, it hurts to see you look at me with pity.” Changgeng sniffled.
Unable to bear it, Guyun yanked him into his embrace. “Be good, sweetheart. It does not hurt, it is all in the past. I am here, sweetheart. I am here.”
That moment, the youth was yet again thrown into confusion. However, it did not take long for him to slither his arms around Guyun’s waist firmly. As if he was holding onto the elixir of life, he held Guyun tight. Perhaps, Changgeng thought it was alright to be selfish in his own dreams.
Guyun caressed Changgeng’s cheeks, wiping away the flowing tears on his cheeks. Seeing how the double pupils slowly merged together, Guyun sighed in relief. He leaned downward and kissed Changgeng’s temple, nose, cheek and lips.
“I am here.”
The medicinal scent on Guyun’s body slowly wafted to Changgeng’s nose. With a whiff of it, Changgeng slowly regained his consciousness. The stinging sensation from the scratches on his neck gradually brought his senses back.
Seeing how Changgeng had recovered bit by bit, Guyun removed him from his arms and took Changgeng’s bloody claws into his hands. There was a tight squeeze in Guyun’s heart. He hated the fact he could not share half of the pain Changgeng suffered. For Changgeng to lose control, something must have happened while he was asleep. Guyun frowned as his mind pondered countless possibilities of what could have triggered Wu Er’gu.
“Zixi…?” Changgeng tilted his head to look at Guyun’s bitter face. Soon enough, he noticed the red marks around Guyun’s neck. His heart sank instantly. “What is going on? What have I done to you?”
“You had a nightmare.” Guyun snapped out of his thoughts and said coaxingly as he rubbed Changgeng’s hands. “No worries. You hurt yourself more than you hurt me.”
Not once did Changgeng think of looking at his hands. His gaze was fixed on the red marks around Guyun’s neck. Remorse, dread and sorrow mixed together, brewing inside him. If only he could punish himself for the harm he had inflicted on his general… Unfortunately, the Marquis despised it when he blamed himself for the Northern Barbarian’s shamanic poison. In the end, Changgeng complied when Guyun urged him to sit on the bed.
“Zixi?” Changgeng looked at Guyun timidly and did not dare to put strength into his hands, afraid that he would go mad and hurt the love of his life. “What if I hurt you again?”
Guyun crouched down and brought his hands close to his face. Finger by finger, he licked clean the stains of blood. Only after Changgeng’s hands were clean did he respond. “Nonsense. My emperor will never hurt me.”
Changgeng knew he was bluffing. The red marks looked conspicuous. Emperor Taishi smiled solemnly as he bent his waist and kissed the beauty mark of his general.
“Now, rest.” Guyun tucked Changgeng into bed and sat at the edge of the bed, keeping a watch of him.
“Won’t you stay with me?”
“It is dawn. I will have to deal with a bunch of ministers.”
“Cancel the court.” Changgeng teased.
“Your Majesty is thinking of ditching the empire? What a shame, I won’t serve a lazy emperor.” Guyun smiled warmly at him. “I will go and deal with some affairs. I will dismiss the court immediately so I won’t take long. I will be back soon.”
Guyun stood up and left. Even if Changgeng did not think with his brain, he knew Guyun had gone to investigate what had caused the relapse of Wu Er’gu. It was the final farewell to the Northern Barbarian youth. Changgeng would no longer be caught within the grasps of Wu Er’gu.
Emperor Taishi Limin had initially thought he would find answers about Hu Ge’er if he met the Barbarian Third Prince, a Wu Er’gu just like him, but everything was an endless paradox. Whether Hu Ge’er hated him or loved him, it no longer mattered. What mattered was Zixi was his.