Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Well if it isn't Harley Quinn." The Penguin stood backlit in his bar facing the ‘villainess’ who had been apprehended and tied to a chair.
"But it is."
"What?"
"It is Harley Quinn. That's me. Donchya remember? I blew up your car, banged up some of ya goons, broke ya umbrella, and probably some other stuff. I was a little messed up if you know what I mean so it's kinda hazy."
"Ugh! Give me one good reason I shouldn't blow you away right now, smartass." He leveled a gun to her head.
"Really? I'd call her more of a dumb ass."
The Penguin whipped around to find the source of the voice.
"Ivy!"
"Yeah, yeah. You owe me big time."
"I'll add it to my tab."
"I will never understand how you get captured so often."
“Well I can’t help that I’m so poplar.”
...
“Get it? I said polar instead of popular. Like the tree.”
“I get that you need to stop hanging around Nightwing.”
“How else am I supposed to see Babs?”
“Get an Instagram.”
“You have one?”
“Of course not. Selina logged in on my phone once and never signed out.”
“Are you two just going to stand there chit-chatting all night?”
“Oh, sorry. Ives dahlin, would you be so kind?”
She rolled her eyes and smiled. “Whatever.”

Chapter Text

“So I’ve been thinkin-”
“You are not getting a rhinoceros.”
“Aw, why not?”
“Because you getting one actually means that I’m getting one, and I’m not getting a rhinoceros. Where would you even-”
She was interrupted by a large crash coming from the other side of the 'house'.
“... Are ya sure you don’t want one?”
“Harleen Qunizel, what was that noise?”
“How would I know?! I’m in here! The noise is out there! Who’s to say, maybe the neighbors finally started on that deck they been wantin?”
“Harley! I swear to god if there is a rhinoceros in my garage, I will end you!”
“Maybe you shouldn’t go out there? I’m sure in maybe three to four hours there definitely won’t be a large mammal of African origin in your garage.” She smiled sheepishly.
“There better not be.”
“Where are you going?”
“To take a bath!”

Chapter Text

“You know, you, me, and Selina were a great trio.”
“What made you think of that?” Ivy looked up from her book.
“I got an Instagram.”
“Oh?”
“Hood followed me, so obviously I followed back. We’re mutuals Ivy. Him an the fast boys are out causing chaos. We used to do that.”
“You make it sound like we’re old. And what do you mean fast boys plural?”
“Ya know, KF and Speedy.”
“You know Speedy doesn’t actually have speed related powers? He’s Arrow’s prodigy. I think he goes by Arsenal now.”
“But then why Speedy? It doesn’t make any sense if he’s not fast!”
“I don’t know. I guess you’d have to ask him yourself… Harley? Shit... Ah, whatever.”

--------------

“Boo!”
“Harley Quinn?” Arsenal hesitantly lowered the arrow he had been about to release into her skull.
“That’s right! Auntie Harley's here to give ya some pointers!”
“Right on!” Kid Flash appeared before them.
“Isn’t she one of your dad’s nemeses?” Arsenal turned to Red Hood.
“Hell yeah, she is!”
“Well alright then.”

-------------

“So did you find out?”
“Find out what?”
“Why he went by Speedy?”
“Shoot! I knew I forgot something.”
Ivy let out a heavy sigh. “I don’t know why I’m even surprised. I’m taking a nap.”
"Ooo! Me too!"
"Fine. Get over here, you crazy kid."

Chapter Text

“Where’re ya ofta?”
“Some company is dumping toxic waste into the harbor so I’m going to kindly request that they stop.”
“I think Brenda would like to ask them too.”
“Why do you go through the trouble of naming your bats? You know you just get attached to them and then when they inevitably break you make me hold a funeral for them.”
“Brenda is special to me!”
“So were Stacy, Carmen, and Felicity.”
“Yes!”
“Ok, fine, you can bring Brenda.”
“Hmm? Oh, I don’t want to go. Last time we went my hair got totally fried! Do you know how long I had to spend at the salon?! I do my hair myself, Ivy!”
“Woah, geez. But what was all that about Brenda?”
“She wants to go with you.”
“... She’s a bat, Harls.”
“Bats are people too!”
“I thought you said Bats was a furry.”
“Not him! But furries are also people who deserve respect and pay well for art commissions.”
“I don’t know why I talk to you. Give me Brenda.”
“Yay!”

---------------

“You’re back! … Where’s Brenda?”
“Oh, uh… She didn’t make it.”
"Not Brenda! She had so much ta live for!" Harley wailed and threw herself onto the couch.
"... We'll hold a ceremony."

Chapter Text

“Nightwing, please! Ya gotta listen to me!”
He sighed. “What is it, Harley?”
“If I don’t get McDonald’s I’m gonna die!”
“You know I can’t do that.”
“I won’t tell nobody, promise! Cross my heart and hope ta die! Not even Ivy! It’s just.. I been craving chicken nuggets all week and they won’t get me any! Do you know what it’s like to have a uterus?”
“Ok, fine. But just this once.”

---------------

“Remember the first time we did this and I said it would only happen once?”
“Yeah. That sure didn’t last.”
“No, no it didn’t.” Nightwing took a bite of his burger and watched the street from their booth.

Chapter Text

Ivy was hoping for a calm, peaceful morning. As soon as she saw Harley decked out in Batman merch, sitting next to a crocodile also decked out in Batman merch, she knew this would not be the case. There was popcorn all over the place and it looked like Harley had already downed 3 energy drinks.

“What are you so excited about?
“Didn’t ya hear?! Brucie is starring this week's episode of ‘Gotham’s Greatest’.”
“I had not.” Ivy sat down in the little remaining space of the couch and Harley passed her the popcorn.

-----------------

The title screen for ‘Gotham’s Greatest’ began to roll. It was a mix between a documentary and a sitcom. No one took it horribly seriously, but it was fun. The actual show started moments later.

“Uh, hi! My name is Bruce Wayne.”
“Would you like to tell us a little bit about yourself?”
“Someone asked from behind the camera.”
“Sure, sure. I am currently co-CEO of Wayne Enterprises and head of the Martha Wayne foundation. I live here with my five sons and three daughters, not all of which are official or permanent residents, but we all celebrate the holidays together.”
“Right, and which holidays do you celebrate?”
“Well with all of us, we practice holidays from Jewish, Muslim, and Christian beliefs. “
“What are some of your favorites?”
“Well the kids love Christmas and I love to see them so excited. Al-Hijra is very important to Damian so we all participate in that as well. After Ramadan Alfred cooks up a big feast. We don’t all fast all the time due to various other activities, but Damian takes it very seriously. We also practice Chanukah and Rosh Hashanah. I have fond memories of those as a child so I do my best to share that with my children.”
“You do have quite the blended family, some of which have agreed to take part in this episode. Are you worried about what they might have to say?”
“No. I know we have rough patches, some for regrettably long amounts of time, but we always get through it together.”
“Thank you for your answers. We’ll check in again later.”
“Of course! Thank you for choosing my family for your program.”

The footage hard cut to a camera peering through a door to the living room. Tim and Jason were playing battleship while Damian lounged with Titus.

“I don’t know, Jason. I just don’t think a hotdog is a sandwich.”
“But how can it not be? It’s bread and filling, that’s a sandwich. B4.”
“Miss.”

Neither had looked up from their game while they conversed.

“Merriam Webster defines a sandwich as two or more slices of bread or a split roll having a filling in between.”
His brothers looked at him and Tim spoke. “How do you know that off the top of your head?”
“Who cares? I’m right.”
“Nuh-uh. Give me a minute… Wikipedia, dictionary.com, the Collins dictionary, and the Oxford dictionary all define a sandwich with two or more pieces of bread with filling. Like when you sandwich things together? F5.”
“Hit. I’ll take Oxford as a reference, but Collins has nothing on Merriam Webster, and don’t even start with the other two. B8.”
“Hit. OK, but then it comes down to what you want to side with. Logic and Oxford or nonsense and Merriam Webster.”
“Excuse you? If anything Oxford is the nonsensical one.”
“Of course you would think that. You’ve never read a book in your life.”
“I have too! I read Charlotte’s Web in fourth grade and I’ve never been the same since!”
“Try reading Flowers for Algrenon! That’ll really mess you up!”
“How about I mess you up, replacement?!”

Just as Tim and Jason began to throw hands, Alfred stepped in and offered the camera crew who happily accepted. The next cut was to Tim and Jason both with some visible cruises and scrapes facing the camera.

“Tim? Oh, I love Tim! He’s like a brother to me.”
“We are brothers Jason.”
“Well then I guess it’s a good thing you’re like a brother to me, Tim.”
“Uh, please don’t fight again here. The equipment is expensive.”
“Fight? Us? We would never.”
The camera man chuckled nervously. “Haha, yeah…”
“At least not while Bruce is threatening to throw out all the coffee I’ve stocked up.”
“He said he was going to donate my PS4.”
“... Truce?”
“Truce.”

The camera was suddenly in the dining room where Cass was crouched like a gremlin in her chair and eating cereal while on her phone. The shot slowly zoomed in on her face, munching on Oops All Berries. It suddenly zoomed out to show Alfred coming through the door.

“Miss Cassandra, Master Damian is looking for you.”

She gave him a thumbs up, shoved her phone in her bra and grabbed her cereal before leaving. They cut again to show Alfred in the hot seat.

“What do I do for the Waynes? Well I do the cleaning and cooking. Sometimes the boys will have to clean as punishment, but I always have to go back in and fix it after. The only ones allowed to use my kitchen are Miss Cassandra and Miss Barbara. The boys are strictly forbidden after the numerous fires I’ve had to put out. I also do the gardening, I drive the younger boys around and do most of the shopping.”
“That seems like a lot.”
“It may to most, but I like it this way. Goodness knows what state the Manor would be in if I ever stopped. I shudder to even think about it. I also don’t mind doing the parts I would normally detest. After Miss Martha and Master Thomas passed, I was the one who raised Master Bruce. He is like a son to me and his children are like my grandchildren.”
“The only two in the household that are related are Bruce and Damian, correct?”
“Yes, though you’d never know it. I am proud to say all of the children are treated equally and they all see each other as family.”
“Do all of them fight like Jason and Tim do?”
“No, most of them like to challenge each other in other ways. Even when they do fight, it isn’t fueled by malice. The boys especially have a lot of energy, though I would prefer they rough house outside.”
“Thank you for your time, Mr. Pennyworth. I’m sure we’ve kept you long enough.”
“It is not a problem.”

-----------

“Aw, man! Commercial!”
“You’ll live.”
“I wonder if Selina is watching this…”
“I’ll call.”