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Dream had never done well with people caring for him. He felt like he had lost control when he no longer was the one caring for another. He just cared so deeply that he felt sick thinking that while someone cared for him, someone else may need them.
As he grew older and met new people, he started to understand that people were only doing things out of obligation, or clout, once his YouTube channel took off.
He'd only ever let himself be vulnerable around Sapnap, and later on, George, because they lived so far that if they didn't want to be kind, they didn't have to be. They could just ghost him and move on with their lives.
It didn't feel like obligation with them.
Dream, himself, however, feel like a burden. He hated unloading his issues onto his friends when he knew they could do very little to help.
Sapnap often sent reminders that he was always willing to do anything Dream asked of him, but Dream felt like his needs and asks of Sapnap started to feel repetitive, so Dream backed off.
Stopped sharing so much, stayed mostly silent. Let himself hurt in the background, despite how many times his friends assured him they cared and wanted to help.
He wouldn't be a burden to them.
Once Sapnap announced he was moving to Florida for schooling, Dream knew shit was about to get a lot harder to hide.
+++
Purple faded into blue lazily, swirling amidst one another and settling indigo kisses atop the exposed skin of the bodies inhabiting the room. The bass in the music from the floor below sent pulses through every chest, rippling through every ribcage and jostling their bodies awake. Green eyes stared up at the ceiling. Eyes half-lidded, marrying together with the dilated pupils, nearly masked the entire speckled iris that flickered restlessly. The eyes watched as a manicured hand brought a blunt to the pretty lips of the man within their sight. A gentle haze settled in the way as the lips exhaled in smoke. They closed. Lungs belonging to the man with the green eyes inhaled the secondhand smoke, feeling the burn trace around their edges. A wheeze forced its way alongside the smoke.
"Dream," the pretty boy with the smoke-tainted lips spoke softly. "If you wanted a hit, you could have just asked."
Dream opened his eyes. He stared up at his best friend; the one with the stupidly pretty black nail polish, the one with the irritatingly attractive dopey grin, and the one who was completely and totally hot.
The first thing he noticed, besides how pretty his friend was, was how close Sapnap's face was to his own. The grin that often adorned the boy's lips when he was high was sitting on full display, and he held eye contact with the boy in his lap.
"You want the last hit?"
"Jus' keep doin' wha' you were doin'," Dream expressed, running a hand over his face. He watched Sapnap nod lightly.
"Open your mouth a little," Sapnap spoke, pulling the blunt back to his lips. He finished the remnants of the blunt, placing the roach clip onto the ashtray, before leaning over Dream. Nose to nose, Dream's mouth sat slightly parted as he waited for the boy's idea.
Suddenly, Dream's face was engulfed in smoke. His eyes slipped shut once more, and he inhaled deeply. The initial burn of the smoke morphed into a twisting pain. He coughed, exhaling the smoke back into the air around them.
His eyes must have stayed closed for longer than he'd thought. He felt a rough hand brush against his cheek lightly, then skate to his forehead. Dream's ears picked up on the softest of chuckles coming from the man above him, and he finally was able to will his eyes back open.
Sapnap was still too close. In fact, Dream's about 95 percent sure that he'd gotten even closer. He could pick out details he couldn't see before, including the reason that Dream is helplessly sprawled across his friend's lap in the middle of a crowded party: the goddamned eyeliner.
God, he really regrets introducing Sapnap to his sister. Sapnap gaining the ability to do makeup and nail polish has made his life a living hell for the past few months.
"You alright?" Sapnap asked, breaking Dream out of his post-shotgun haze. He managed to shrug, earning himself a worried look from his friend.
"You want to keep going or do you wanna just lay here for a bit?"
Dream blinked, vision going foggy for a moment. He shrugged again. He heard a laugh from above him and watched as Sapnap tucked his chin into his chest. Ink black strands of hair fell into the shining eyes of the seasoned stoner.
"You need some water." Dream could vaguely make out the muttered words, laced with mirth and a fondness he'd like to avoid thinking about. He felt his body be manhandled upwards, forcing him onto his feet. His vision swam and he shut his eyes to avoid an oncoming headache. He felt the ghost of a touch on his forehead.
"Sorry, didn't mean to push you up that fast. You're probably really cross right now — that had to hurt. Are you okay to walk?"
Stupid Sapnap. Stop being nice to me while I'm high before I kiss that stupid grin off your face, Dream thought viciously, his head still spinning. He was able to force a short nod to Sapnap's question. A hand landed on his shoulder, but never pushed him forward. He opened his eyes once he felt his headache subside. Green met green, both irises engulfed in murky black from their inebriated states. Sapnap giggled, moving his hand from the blonde's shoulder and outstretching to offer a stabilizing hand from the less-fucked-up of the two. Dream blindly reached out, avoiding looking at his best friend's hands with the stupid nail polish again. However, keeping his eyes from his friend's hand only meant that Dream stared at his face.
He supposed he could blame the staring on the weed, but what would his excuse be for when he's sober?
Sapnap seemed to preen when he watched Dream's hand slip into his own. He shot the blonde a fond grin, laughing softly as he watched Dream sway on his feet. Finally, the boy started leading Dream out of the smoke room. He heard a vague yell of 'Get it, Sap!' from behind them as they left, and felt his cheeks rush warm. Sapnap just laughed loudly, shooting a finger in the direction of the voice. He closed the door behind them, engulfing them in dim lighting. A peach hue danced up the stairs from the party on the bottom floor, and the music followed alongside it. The bass was so much louder outside of the room.
"You wanna go sit in the bathroom for a bit? I know the music and people might be a lot to handle right now," Sapnap turned to face the blonde.
The taller man blinked a couple times; quick flutters of his lashes to help clear his own head.
"Uhm.. uh, yeah, yeah, I can do that... do- nah, nevermind," Dream stopped his sentence short, waving a hand. "Just a water, please."
Sapnap narrowed his eyes and furrowed his brows. "No, no," He spoke, voice gentle but chastising, "tell me what you were gonna say. You've been inhaling my secondhand smoke all night and you rarely smoke. What do you need? Anything you ask, I'll do it."
Please, please don't say that, Dream pleaded in his mind. He ducked his head. Running a large hand brushed through his hair, he rushed out, "Can you grab me a snack or two, as well?"
Sapnap's face crumbled, features falling soft and fond. "Yeah, of course. I know what kind of stuff you like. The bathroom's to the left. Skeppy typically keeps it off-limits, but he'll make an exception."
Dream turned his head to the door on his left, and tried the doorknob. It opened with ease and he breathed a sigh of relief.
"I'll be right back, okay? Just sit in there. The lights shouldn't be too bright but if you want to keep them off, that's okay, too."
Dream nodded, stepping into the room and shutting the door. He caught a glimpse of Sapnap heading down the stairs.
Dream heard the main floor erupt in excited yelps from familiar voices as they realized Sapnap had finally joined them. Punz's loud scream of joy alongside Wilbur's drunken, high-pitched 'woo!' made the blonde boy's ears ring even from the upstairs bathroom. Thank god Sapnap had thought about that.
Dream, fumbling in the dark, felt his hand brush against an air freshener that, once on, could illuminate a good portion of the bathroom. He felt for the switch, not wanting to risk the lights being too overwhelming for his not-quite-there state.
He really should have eaten before he agreed to come to a party with his friend.
He finally found a switch on the air-freshener and a warm, orange glow lit up the bathroom, kissing the walls and placing touches of orange along Dream's skin and clothes.
He sunk to the floor, back against the wall and legs outstretched, feet brushing the bottom of the toilet. He ran a hand over his face and tried to recall all he'd had that night.
He'd had 3 shots of vodka with no chasers after Punz had challenged him, then he'd had 2 random concoctions that Fundy was making fron the various bottles of alcohol at the at-home bar. He remembered the end of a beer-pong game against Sapnap that was really close until Dream pulled out in top, and a drinking game with Schlatt. Schlatt ended up passing out a bit into the game, and Dream hasn't heard his voice since then, so he's probably still down. After that, Sapnap escaped to the smoke room and left Dream alone. He got lonely and... well, now he's badly cross and has a raging headache that keeps coming and going in waves, as well as being hyperaware of how hot his best friend is.
What a great night.
He heard himself whimper and grunt as the headache appeared once more. Speak of the devil.
A knock sounded at the bathroom door. Just a simple 5-knock beat that made him quirk a smile as he realized who it was.
"Come in," he managed to croak.
The door creaked — a short, low drone — and Sapnap filled the space between the doorframe and the hallway, his arms loaded with 4 bottles of water and a plastic grocery bag full of snacks. He entered, closing the door with his foot behind him. He took a seat next to Dream, closest to the bathtub.
"Feelin' any better?"
Dream shrugged.
"Head hurts."
"Yeah, I should have thought about that when you came up there drunk as hell. Have you ever been drunk and high at the same time?"
Dream shook his head, wincing and letting out a pained grunt at the movement.
"Okay, no more nodding or head-shaking. From now on, it's a 1 for yes and 2 for no," Sapnap said quickly, holding up the respective amount of fingers as he spoke.
The blonde chuckled, a little wheeze singing in his lungs.
A few moments passed.
"Drink, Dream," He heard the crack of a seal on one of the water bottles. Green eyes fell on the outstretched bottle and Dream reached out for it.
He brushed against Sapnap's fingers, feeling a jolt of warmth shoot through him.
Dream dropped the bottle.
Water spilled onto the tile, and Sapnap yelped as he picked up the bottle to keep as much off the floor as possible. He reached into the cabinet on his left and snatched a towel, dropping it onto the wet floor.
Dream felt like the water bottle, spilling out apologies before he could stop then. He felt his cheeks warm, causing his headache to worsen. His eyes burned and his throat felt like it was closing up.
"Hey, hey, Dream, Clay, hey," He could hear Sapnap talking gently, but it sounded far away.
"Are you okay to be touched right now?"
Dream nodded, coughing and trying to take in more air. His head was pounding.
"Okay, okay. I got you." He felt himself be pulled into a bear hug. Sapnap latched onto him, tucking the blonde's face into his neck and holding him to his chest. Dream's breathing, though still shaky, started to even out.
"Good, yeah, hey," Sapnap offered a smile. His eyes were wide, worry deep in the creases of his face. "Focus on me. I'm gonna ask you a couple questions, okay? I'm gonna need verbal answers. Think you can do that for me?"
Dream went to nod, his chest still heaving, but when he went to move, his vision swam and he started to salivate, becoming nauseous quickly.
"Drink small sips of water," Sapnap suggested. Dream found the bottle that had fallen initially and followed the advice.
The nausea subsided enough for Dream to focus.
"Good job," Sapnap nodded. "Ready for the questions?"
Dream held up one finger. Sapnap smiled.
"Tell me 5 things you can see."
Dream glanced around the bathroom. His headache punched and stomped behind his eyes, but he did it anyways.
"Y-you, uh... toilet, the water bottles, the towel, and... the shower curtain."
"Good, yeah! Now, 4 things you can feel."
Dream closed his eyes, trying to focus on anything but his throat constricting.
"My, uhm... my jeans, how warm you are..." God, why are you so warm? You're like a heater. "Uhm... your hoodie... and... uhm...." He clenched his eyes tighter, sending shooting pain down his entire body, "and my headache."
Sapnap winced, but nodded. "Good job, almost done. 3 things you can hear."
His eyes stayed closed. "I can hear the music from downstairs... I think it's... Better Now? By Post Malone?"
"Yeah, it is," Sapnap grinned. "Two more."
"Uhm... your heartbeat.... and I think Wilbur is trying to sing along with Post." Dream offered a weak laugh as he spoke, and he felt himself begin to relax. Sapnap's heartbeat, though inexplicably erratic, offered a comforting beat beneath his ear, and he burrowed closer to the sound.
Sapnap laughed, scoffing in amusement. "Okay, two things you can smell."
"The air freshener I turned on earlier... it's like... lavender or something," He mumbled, inhaling deeply. "I also can smell your Saint Laurent cologne from here."
"Your face is buried in my neck, smartass, of course you can. Now tell me one thing you can taste before I smack you — bad high or not."
Dream laughed, a real cackle escaping his throat.
I'd like to taste your stupid lips, Dream's foggy brain supplied.
"The water, even though it doesn't have a tas-."
"Wait," Sapnap interrupted him. "Say the first thing again?"
"What first thing?" He asked, pulling his face from Sapnap's chest.
"Did you just imply you want to kiss me?"
Dream's heart dropped to his stomach. He swallowed thickly.
Sapnap's eyes were wide, but he didn't seem scared. If anything, he seemed... smug?
Silence crept into Dream's brain, the outside tension seeping into his headache, making it throb. Sapnap just sat, staring at the blonde in his arms for much too long for Dream to feel anything good about what he'd accidentally said.
Just as Dream opened his mouth, Sapnap pressed a manicured finger over his lips. Dream's breath hitched, and he froze.
"I wouldn't be opposed," Sapnap blurted. "In fact, I'd be honored... but," He paused, eyebrows furrowing as he thought over his words.
Oh, my god, I'm gonna lose my best friend. Jesus fucking christ, I can't lose him. Not like this.
"Sap-," Dream tried to speak again, but Sapnap just shushed him.
"I want to be sure you want this fully sober. You just had a panic attack because of how bad the weed affected you. I mean, you're drunk as fuck and have been inhaling secondhand weed smoke for three hours; you may not even remember this tomorrow. I don't want to do this if you're not actually okay with it."
Dream's jaw fell slack, and Sapnap's hand fell into his own lap.
"I don't want to fuck this up by jumping the gun and kissing you when you're not fully sober."
Sapnap sounded so earnest that Dream felt his eyes burn a bit once more. The blonde nodded, taking Sapnap's hand. He pressed a gentle kiss to the knuckles and held Sapnap's palm to his cheek.
Sapnap pulled the blonde boy into his chest again and tucked his face right next to Dream's. He pressed a soft kiss to Dream's temple; a promise of more to come.
"Thank you," Dream whispered.
"Anything for you," Sapnap whispered in return, and maybe Dream was just starting to believe it.