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Levi’s never been afraid enough so as to stay back, inert. Whether it be monsters in human or titan forms, he throws himself into battle like it’s his last moment on mother Earth, and while he miraculously manages to fly out safely sometimes, there are always casualties that torment his mind afterwards.
Levi’s never been afraid, until this very moment. It’s not hard to tell his words have stuck with you for good; your smiles are faint now, having lost their usual warmth, and you’re way too quiet, especially when he walks into the room. The strongest hit for him, however, is when you eventually stop facing him while sleeping in your shared bedroom. His eyes rest on your back until the early hours of the morning, and even though you’ve never denied his touch, he knows that something has changed- all his doing.
You told him one fateful afternoon while helping with paperwork. Levi didn’t seem to be in a bad mood, so you felt confident enough to bring the matter onto the surface, hoping for anything but a negative response. You didn’t know why you allowed yourself to believe this way, really.
“I mean, it doesn’t have to be now, but I’d really love us to get married, Levi. You know how much this means to me, us-”
“Do you want to see a damn ring on your finger, y/n? I’ll buy you a fucking ring, then. But I can’t marry you, I thought it was quite obvious.”
Your eyes widened in surprise at his irritated tone. He rarely speaks to you like that because you’ve learned his limits and know when to step out, so, back then, you realized that you hit a nerve.
“I-I didn’t-”
“I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but the answer is no. We’re just fine the way we are, how does a stupid paper, or a ceremony, change the way we feel about each other? I’ve let my guard down for you and you know it better than anyone. Isn’t this enough?”
The conversation ended because none of you picked it up. There were many things you wanted to say, yet you chose silence to avoid crying in front of him. You were taken aback by Levi’s words, that was no lie, but relationships are hard, and compromises are unavoidable.
Levi can be difficult at times, the same goes for you, but no matter what, you always end up making up. You can’t really understand him now, but it’s okay. Maybe you went overboard without noticing, maybe he needs time to reconsider. Besides, it was something none of you ever discussed in the past, so at least it served as an opportunity for you to see how he feels about the concept of a potential marriage.
After his last statement, it felt strange and embarrassing staying in the same room with him all of a sudden, and in desperate need of air, you placed a few finished papers on his desk, giving him a small smile.
“I’ll go make some tea, okay?”
He regrets sounding so harsh that day, but above all, he regrets being a hypocrite. He wanted it, he still does; he wants to slip a ring through your finger, he wants you to hear the vows he catches himself thinking late at night, for it’s you to stand before him and no one else. Levi wants you to be his wife, just as much as you want him to be your husband.
But you’re both characters in a world that’s crumbling more and more every day, a world full of death and deception, a world in which the survival of the fittest is a basic principle. He sees little future for this world, though, in the pit of his heart, he hopes for better days.
Levi knows that once he’s completely yours, there’s no going back. If he dies, you’ll never be the same again. If you die, he’ll never be the same again. In his mind, it’s easier to say that he lost his lover rather than his wife, it’s a wall he built for himself in order to offer himself some kind of illusory comfort during times of possible grief. And there’s not a single day that passes without him thinking that he can lose you at any moment.
But he won’t admit any of that, no. It’s better for you to be mad at him for as long as it takes, he can bear it. However, as days go by, he realizes that you’re not angry at him like he suspected in the beginning. You look like all energy has been sucked out of you, you look distant, melancholic. Levi wishes you would scream at him, be more persistent, even, literally any kind of reaction but this.
The tension between you two doesn’t go unnoticed by the others, some of which (*coughs* Eren *coughs*) have started whispering unanswered questions. You can’t help but smile at their interest, knowing that they want nothing but the best for you. Bringing things down in your head, you decide that there’s no point dwelling on it. Maybe Levi was right. It was not easy at all, making him open up to you, squeezing yourself through to see his true colors. You’re not wasting your time. As long as there’s true love, nothing else matters.
Right?
If this is the case, then why can’t you get rid of this suffocating feeling of insufficiency?
You bury it all inside with an enormous shovel and a heavy heart, in an attempt to cover your pain with as much soil as possible. The last thing you want is to let him slip away from your hand, or the opposite. Levi seems to have beat you to these thoughts, however, because he’s the first one to finally approach you to try and discuss things again. He’s not entirely sure what he wants to say, but he can’t keep swallowing down his guilt from a week ago.
“Jean, I’ve told you thousands of times, there’s absolutely nothing on your face that reminds me of a horse-” You stop mid-sentence when you feel a slight tug on the sleeve of your shirt.
“L/N, do you have a minute?”
“Kirstein and I are in the middle of a conversation here, Captain.”
“I think Kirstein can take a hint and kindly piss off, right, Kirstein?”
Jean’s mouth hangs open for a few seconds, his eyes moving from yours to Levi’s. He eventually shakes his head, nodding quickly.
“Of course! Of course...If you excuse me...” He almost runs his way out the kitchen, his cheeks in the faintest shade of red. When the door closes behind him, you let out a deep sigh.
“And there, I almost convinced him that-”
“I’m sorry.” The sound of his fist hitting the table is louder than intended, and you immediately stop talking, blinking a few times in surprise.
“I’m sorry I got so defensive the other day. I think I’ll go completely insane if you keep giving me the cold shoulder.”
When your eyes meet his, your heart sinks. He looks like guilt’s been tormenting his insides, and yes, he shouldn’t be feeling so guilty about it, but he does, and there’s nothing he can do.
“Levi, I should be the one to apologize. I had no idea you felt this way about marriage, but now that I do, I promise that I’ll never mention it again. I don’t want us to fight over something insignificant-”
“It is significant, for you.”
Your hands slowly remove his tense hand from the table, caressing it softly.
“It really doesn’t matter. I won’t ever force you into doing something you don’t want to, nor will I ever try to convince you to change your mind. If there’s no mutual understanding, we honestly have nothing. And I’d be a fool to lose the love of my life over a silly argument.”
He sees hope in your glistening gaze, the kind of hope like the one he’s hidden away, hope that someone like him maybe deserves to be happy every once in a while. Levi secretly hopes because you’ve taught him to, you’ve loved him more than enough to do so.
“I’m not afraid of commitment, I’ve already committed my miserable life to you. I just...Dammit, I’m just scared that one day one of us won’t come back. I... I reap what I sow, every single person I care about is either dead or-”
You silence his worries with a kiss, wrapping your arms around his neck. A kiss of reassurance, a silent promise that you can’t really control, yet you make, anyway. Levi finds himself getting lost in the way you moved, allowing you to take him down roads unknown. Hell, he’s missed you, and he hates that he’s vulnerable, malleable.
“I’ve been by your side for God knows how long, during thick and thin, and I’m still here. I’m not going anywhere, Levi. As long as we have each other, we’ll be safe, I know it. I don’t care about marriage anymore, and I’m sorry I acted like a kid.”
Levi experiences an emotion unfamiliar to him. He’s unable to describe it, and other than his quick breathing and blurred vision, all the weight from his shoulders has been momentarily lifted. Is this what relief feels like? Is this the closest he’ll get to joy? He can’t be sure, that’s why he decides not to let go from its grasp. He wants to know. Levi wants to know what relief and joy feel like more than anything.
“Marry me, y/n l/n. I can’t promise you the world, but I promise you myself, forever.”
“You are my world, dummy. A thousand times yes.”
And he gets carried away for a while, intoxicated by the smell of your hair, the taste of your mouth, the redness of your heart...All until the boat sinks like all the others;
Until he realizes that some people are just never meant to be happy.