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Chapter Text

Utinam Ne Illum Numquam Conspexissem

If only I had never seen him.

Playlist

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This is a bad idea.

Seungmin knows he shouldn't be doing this. He is not impulsive. He is calculative - thinks a thousand times before doing anything.

And he did think about the consequences. A lot.

Still, he keeps going back to the red icon. Installing, choosing photos, adding a quote he has embodied. Seungmin has that line memorized.

If I'm your sun, I promise you'll never be cold.

Then he deletes the app. Every time. Not going any further.

Seungmin is a professional avoidant. People, circumstances, feelings, he makes sure to not indulge in situations that could stretch. And hurt him.

This will hurt. He might get attached. This is such a bad idea.

Then why is Seungmin not backing out? Why is there a profile under his name?

Kim Seungmin, 25

The app is decent lookwise. There has been a lot of user interface changes since he last visited. It was red-centric before, it's the same now. Familiarity. That calms his nerves. In addition, there are features he knows he won't touch.

Premium.

Seungmin is not going to stay that long.

Tinder is not for avoidants like him. He should go back to Twitter.

But Seungmin is here to see something. Check something. Feel something. He hopes Tinder would help him. He might also make a few friends, if Tinder friends are actual friends that is. A 21 year old Seungmin would have been confident, flirty, totally into it. This Seungmin is not a fraction of what he was before.

There is no harm. He can do it. Talk to people. Talk to strangers.

There are a lot of interesting profiles. Some selfies, some distant shorts. Some older men & women, some very young.

Oh, he did not adjust the age range.

Not that it matters. He can select who he likes, age be damned. Age never matters in friendships, companionships. Seungmin is not wary of age, just don't be a minor.

He walks through cheesy bios, swiping left. Fake, reposted stuff is not to his liking anyway.

A couple of profiles look better, he goes for right.

Notifications. Little vibrations that he has set his phone on - sound option is turned off. Has been for years. Not that anyone calls him. Vibrations are better.

Ah, it is actually happening.

Kiseop: Hi Beautiful

Wooshin: Wanna hook up?

The reason why Seungmin uninstalled this app four years ago. It was too much for confident Seungmin as well.

He should back out now - but why isn't he?

A pup. A black labrador with a guy in glasses.

Hyunjin, 25

Don't go on my photographs. I look much better in person!

Looking for someone who would love my puppy as much I do😚😚

Cute.

Seungmin smiles. Hyunjin is a cute guy and the pup is even cuter. He looks behind, at his own baby. Novie is one and very huge. His husky has no idea he is not a lap dog and likes to squeeze into tiny spaces. Right now he is sleeping soundly under Seungmin's work desk. It is very tight for his bulky body. Novie loves it.

Seungmin knows what to do.

He receives a quick 'Hi' just minutes later.

Hyunjin: Hi

Hyunjin: how are you???

Me: Hi Hyunjin

Seungmin pauses. This is not his work message. He can drop formalities.

Me: good, everything is good here. how are you doing?

Hyunjin: great! i saw your photos, you look good☺️

Hyunjin likes to use emojis, it seems. Seungmin, not so much.

Me: thank you. your baby is really cute.

Hyunjin: YES! she is very cute.

Hyunjin: her name is laila

Hyunjin: pretty, right?

Me: hahaha, yes yes. laila is a very pretty name

Seungmin feels relaxed. Harmless conversations. He can do this.

Hyunjin: i love to play with her when im free. most of the time actually haha. i work from home so every hour is laila time!!

Hyunjin: i work freelance for an IT firm. yeah, im your boring web developer haha

Hyunjin: in fact, im in a meeting right now. 

Hyunjin: don't worry, i can definitely multitask.

Me: shouldn't you be focusing on your meeting right now? Im sure its something important

Hyunjin: ive set my recorder on😉 ill catch up on the call anyway

Hyunjin: my manager keeps repeating the same stuff everytime

Hyunjin: im sure ive half of her rants memorized😂😂

Me: i see. looks like you are enjoying yourself

Bare minimum. Don't disclose, keep it under the skin. Don't get attached.

Hyunjin: oh of course hahah im having a blast!

Hyunjin: by the way, you are just the second match i have had

Hyunjin: i feel lucky haha

Me: really?

Hyunjin: you dont believe it?? haha i never thought i would match with you. like you are so pretty

Hyunjin: sorry if i went overboard there

Hyunjin: can i ask something if you dont mind?

Me: okay, ask away

Seungmin is not in his right mind. Why did he approve? He hopes Hyunjin is not invasive.

Hyunjin: i think im oversharing, will you let me know if it becomes too much for you?? i dont want to scare you away haha

Oh.

Me: no, no. im enjoying this so far

Me: im not used to texting actually

Me: i dont talk much, you can say

Hyunjin: thats a relief

Hyunjin: ah, so what do you prefer?

Hyunjin: phonecalls? i can do phonecalls if you want

Seungmin needs to dodge. Right now

Me: lets continue here only please

Me: i meant human interactions

Me: im not good at that haha

Hyunjin: oh, no no no. i did not mean right away

Hyunjin: i would love to speak to you though

Hyunjin: someday maybe

Hyunjin: so what do you work as? we are the same age i suppose haha

Me: im in marketing

Me: working from home, currently

Hyunjin: wow, marketing is definitely cooler than development hahhaha

Hyunjin: what do you like to do in your free hours?

Me: i read

Hyunjin: i used to read too. a lot, back when i was in the university. my girlfriend had this big library at home

Hyunjin: i havent touched a book since our breakup though

Hyunjin: nothing to do with her. i just grew out of that habit haha

Hyunjin: so whats your favo genre? author?

Me: i like suspense thriller, murder mysteries and dark stuff

Me: lee child writes some amazing books, has been my favorite since a while

Hyunjin: SAME

Hyunjin: psych thriller used to be my fav as well wowww

Hyunjin: i think i have read and digested all of agatha christies works hehe

Hyunjin: wait seungmin, i have to go

Hyunjin: manager is pinging constantly now

Hyunjin: speak later??

Me: sure

Seungmin sighs. Moves back to the home screen. He feels inspired. Maybe he can try more?

Few more swipes. Left, mostly. Few more messages, some small talk - Hi, hellos. Dead. Seungmin is not putting any effort, the other party gets bored and leaves. Good.

9 PM.

He has been sitting on his bed for the past one hour. Novie is up now, nose up Seungmin's thighs. Poor boy is hungry.

Tinder can wait.

Seungmin tries to get up, nudging Novie a bit. The husky whines a bit and gets off of his thighs. There was a small wet spot, the husky might have drooled on him. Seungmin was going to take a bath anyway.

He carries himself to the kitchen - cupboards and fridge stocked. Today is Saturday.

Grocery shopping is very therapeutic to him. Walking through the isles, looking at different brands, varieties. Choices. He likes how he can try new things. New recipes Seungmin finds on Twitter - Tasty, Food Insider they all have interesting twists that he can cook at home. Experiment with.

Novie jumps on his boiled chicken stew as soon as it is placed in front of him. The husky had followed him to the kitchen, dragging his tired body through the wooden floors. Seungmin has turned off the floor heating for the pup to enjoy fully.

Pasta should do for today. A quick fix but he is not that hungry. Seungmin will get himself a takeout if he feels hungry anytime through the night. Chicken and vegetables tossed in cheese sauce, just what he prefers.

He had plugged his phone on charge when cooking. It should be at least halfway now. He was not glued to the phone anyway, 50% should work for him.

He moves to the sofa, picking up the stacked plate and a fork from the drawer besides his stove. A three-seater, off white. He had picked it up on sale a couple years back - one of his favourite furnitures in his two bedroom apartment. The TV across isn't that huge - modest, 43 inches. Just an entertainment medium for solo movie nights.

Seungmin loves horror movies.

Sometimes, he has Felix over. Well, Felix and Jisung. The blond loves hanging out at his apartment for some reason. And Novie loves him.

Felix and him go back to college days. Classmates, dormmates, lunch buddies and now his best friend.

Felix calls it the seven-year streak.

Seungmin is going to be stuck with the blond forever now when they have passed their seven years together.

He hopes so.

They are in different work domains. Felix is a kidswear designer, Seungmin oversees digital marketing. They have different personalities. Felix is comfortable, happy and full of confidence.

Seungmin is not.

But they somehow click. They gel well together. Felix is the only one he has not pushed away. Felix is home.

---------------

There is some mindless sitcom playing in the background. Novie is done with the food and is dozing on his bed.

Finally.

Seungmin stretches his legs out on the sofa, pushing the plate on the glassed top of his center table. He needs to change it. The panel underneath the glass top has weakened and all the decorative stones are dropping to the shelf. Amazon should have good tables. Dark wood to match his light sofa. He'll browse through their catalogue today.

It's not that Seungmin is tight on money. He earns well, has savings. He comes from a well to do family - dad a retired army officer, mom runs a local business. Older sister is a financial analyst. He has good relations with them, well as good as things can get.

They have been here once in the three years of Seungmin's stay. His mother had gotten him homemade food, sister some souvenirs from her Austrian trip. Well appreciated gifts.

Seungmin avoids every family gathering his parents invite him to. Not because of them but his extended family. Cousins who look down at him, uncles and aunts who are invasive. People who know too much, have expectations from him.

Relatives who think he is still engaged.

-----------------

Seungmin is a fool to go back to Tinder. To check his notifications. To reply to this man.

He doesn't remember swiping right for him. His name is foreign to his groggy mind. He might have spaced out at that time. Nothing else explains this tiny green dot with an active message on his DM board.

Changbin: Hi there

Seungmin has decided. He will uninstall Tinder after this. Just one hour and he will clean it up, no exceptions.

Me: Hello

Reply is quick.

Changbin: Sup?

Me: nothing much. you say

Changbin: Ah, just got out of work. Its snowing today, is it the same in your area?

Seungmin looks at his right. His queen size bed is set in the middle of the room, a work desk sitting next to it. A huge floor to ceiling door directly in front of it letting in a lot of natural light. He likes working under the sun, in brightness.

It is snowing.

Me: yes, theres a thick layer of snow as i can see

Changbin: Going to get colder then. Keep warm?

He smiles.

Me: yeah, i will. you too.

Changbin: So im in the city for a good part of the year. Wanna meet?

The question. Something he wanted to avoid.

Me: naah, i dont like rushing through? lets speak for a while and see where it leads to

Changbin: Oh, im sure we will meet soon

Cocky. It's okay, Seungmin likes challenges.

Me: lol, im sure we wont

Changbin: How are you so confident? You dont even know my persuasion skills

He is not. Seungmin is anything but confident.

Me: but i know my deflecting skills

Me: 10/10 wont recommend

Changbin: Hmmm

Changbin: Okay, we'll see who wins

Changbin: So you dont wanna meet. Why exactly are you on Tinder then?

Me: would it surprise you if i say i wanted to make friends?

Changbin: Reddit would have been better. There are subreddits for anonymous interactions

Changbin: People here are creepy

Oh course they are - it's more of a hookup site now.

Me: tell me about it

Me: unmatched 4 out of 6 in 3 hours ive been here

Changbin: That's surprisingly low

Changbin: Choosy much?

Me: naah, folks dont want what im looking for

Me: they want beaches, handholding, hugs, kisses

Changbin: Hey, hugs are my thing as well

Changbin: Like tucking someone under my chin, holding them tight. Thats my thing.

Me: sweet, this is a judgement free zone

Changbin: You sound like you are opposed to romance and physical affection

Me: no no. im not lmao. just, not too soon

Me: i like physical intimacy, platonic touches. nothing very overwhelming.

Changbin: Come home, my hug will change your opinion

Me: nice try, but no

Changbin: It's too soon to ask for your number. You might think im creepy too

Me: too late, im already thinking in that direction

Changbin: My photo, do I look like a creepy guy to you?

Seungmin has no idea what Changbin looks like. Or his age.

Me: you could catfish me

Me: using nam joohyuk or something

Changbin: Lol, why Nam Joohyuk? I would rather be Won Bin. We match anyways

Me: yeah, yeah🙄

Changbin: I make amazing coffee, if you need any reason to come

Me: im a tea person

Changbin: Somehow I expected that

Changbin: Some gossip. Im going to Jeju-do next week. Just some friends and I. Wanted to visit before Spring

Me: cool, have fun

Changbin: Oh, I'll. Whats your usual sleeping time?

Me: depends. its around 2 AM. why?

Changbin: I was kinda going to bed. Had a long day

Me: you can sleep lol

Me: ill be off of tinder tho

Me: just wanted to check stuff and get something from it?

Changbin: Wait, wait. You are deleting Tinder?

Me: yep

Changbin: What did you want to check?

Me: just this and that. and to try out my flirting skills before it gets rusty

Changbin: Ok, I did not feel flirted with

Changbin: Now I feel left out

Me: it was your bad day then

Me: im an expert at platonic flirting which is still here lol

Changbin: Was I flirty?

Changbin: I can never tell

Me: wow, the subtlety of the brag

Changbin: I should be the judge of that

Changbin: I usually rate my potentials on these three: cute, intellectual, stubborn

Me: where do i stand?

Changbin: Not even half. Maybe on the intellectual part, a quarter on stubbornness. Zero for cuteness

Me: this is bullshit. im supercute. only thing im confident about is my cuteness

Changbin: I haven't seen you, I cant judge you on that yet. Coffee date this weekend? I will give you detailed analysis of your ratings there

Me: you are shameless hahahha

Changbin: Having shame wont get you a cute boy

Me: you just said I got zero for cuteness

Changbin: Thats what our date will tell babe, whether you are worth rating for or not

Me: you put some compelling arguments. but naah, im not free. ever

Changbin: I like challenges. We'll see

Changbin: So you are going off Tinder

Changbin: Where should we interact then?

What would be safe and not personal? He had a private Instagram account, a Twitter account and Skype. Okay, Skype be it.

Me: skype?

Changbin: Really? Don't you have Kkt or something??

Me: no, deleted it years ago. i dont chat much.

Changbin: Okay, add me then: [email protected]

Me: 2 minutes

He finds him quickly. No display picture, perfect!

Me: added

Me: ping me there

Me: ill delete now

Me: bye

Seungmin shuffles through the account, taking a good look over the message board.

Hyunjin.

He decides to drop him his Skype just in case. Hyunjin is cute.

------------------

"Bean sprouts! Aha, I thought I was missing something."

"I'll go get them. Saw some back at greens section."

"Grab packets of Doritos please.....sweet chilli. We have soda with us."

"Mmkay."

They are in the nearby supermarket, gathering food and drinks for tonight. Get together of sorts at Felix's place. Only familiar faces, some co-workers, friends of friends, partners, Korean BBQ and a few games.

The blond is impulsive and a socially charged person. He likes to have friends over often, even when he is stressed from work. Speaking, laughing and eating with random people is his forte. That's how he met Jisung,  his boyfriend of six months. They started as strangers who shared a bus route, now they are sharing a Netflix account. Soon they'll be sharing a bedroom - ah, Seungmin needs to stop being so bitter. His friend is happy, that's all that matters.

It's not that he dislikes Jisung. Seungmin actually thinks they look cute together - Felix and Jisung.

But the timeline of their relationship scares him. They are fresh in love, promises, adoration. Seungmin knows promises mean nothing. Love fades. Adoration - care remains but hurts the most.

Felix is still lurking in the dairy aisle, selecting from different yogurt types on the display Seungmin can see a 12-bottle pack of Milkis and two packs of Binggrae Strawberry Milk in his basket. He rushes to join the blond, dropping the requested items in the cart and taking control over the handle. Felix looks up at him, thankful.

They spend another 30 minutes making choices, picking up stuff for the gathering and for Felix.

It's bright outside, closing to midday. Seungmin loves supermarkets in these hours. It's peaceful, devoid of nosy neighbors, mindless chatter, people who have no regard for personal space. He can spend hours between isles without judgement.

Felix makes the payment while he is taking a look at the chocolates stand. Some western brands in between Lotte packages - M&Ms, Mars, Toblerone. Seungmin is more of a candy person - he used to devour packets of Maijju in one sitting. He picks a solo box of Twix and adds to the items laying in the counter - Felix's favorite brand.

They move to the parking spot, spotting Felix's brand new Hyundai Elantra in seconds. There aren't a lot of spots filled anyway. Seungmin drags the cart behind him as his best friend opens the trunk. They pick up brown paper bags one by one filling the area, careful of the spare tire. It's 5 big bags in total, Felix wanted to get his week's groceries as well. It makes sense that way, he can save a 20-minutes drive and stock his fridge at the same time.

Seungmin won't do this, he likes routine, familiarity. Groceries every Saturday at 11 AM. Movie nights on alternate Wednesdays. Waking up at the same hour no matter when he goes to sleep. Green tea three times a day. Logging in for work at 9:45 AM. Seungmin has his days mapped, predictable. Routines have a calming effect on him.

"Bring your guitar. Jisung's at his brother's place. That lazy bum refuses to go back."

"Lix, his brother stays very far. Don't be harsh."

"Yeah, yeah. Just get yours. Promise no one else will touch it."

"Okay, I'll tune it. At 8, then?"

"Actually, come early. If you can. Might need help with stew."

"Hmm."

Felix drops him home with a quick goodbye, they are meeting tonight anyway.

----------------

Hyunjin is an energetic texter.

He types in the speed of light, sending five messages in the same time as Seungmin types one. And he is frequent. Talking about his day, his pup, his boss. Sending pics of Laila sleeping, playing, posing for the camera.

Conversations with Hyunjin are mild. The man is okay giving a lot, not expecting much. Seungmin knows he'll get tired soon.

They have been texting for a week now, daily messages. The shallow vibration is an unfamiliar territory for Seungmin. It's been a year since his phone has been this active outside of work. Overwhelmed. Felix and him don't text that often, face to face talks are better. His parents call him once in a while.

He has no other friends he would speak to. By choice, not by circumstances.

Hyunjin: im making chicken today, chinese style. too spicy hehe

Hyunjin: [Shared a photo]

Hyunjin: it took me forever to peel the skin off ginger. the recipe asks for big slices uhuhu

Hyunjin: but look at me! im not crying hahha

Hyunjin: [Shared a photo]

A selfie. Hyunjin has his ash hair covered in a beanie, to avoid it curtaining his eyes maybe. It's a nuisance, especially when you are cooking. Seungmin always had the same dark hair, carefully parted on the side. He curls it for experiment, sometimes. Lets it grow out when he feels exceptionally bold. 

His hair has crossed all boundaries currently, Seungmin can tuck it behind his ears if he wants. Pull it into a small bun on top of his head. But it's not as long as Hyunjin's nape length. Hyunjin looks very good, very domestic.

He can see the mess of a kitchen behind the long-haired man. Bright lights, bright smiles. 

Me: you can do it, hyunjin

Me: now go, cook. dont burn yourself

It's late evening now, Seungmin has pulled the curtains down already. Recessed lights shimmer through the dark hallway, a vampire coven. Complete 180 from the brightness he has in the day time.

Today was tiring. Back to back calls - customer orientation, kick-off calls, internal meetings, three documents to review and approve, some crucial emails from vendors. He could only get up a total of three or four times to fix Novie's meals. reheat leftovers, and get his tea detox. Electric water boilers are godsent. So are toast and rice makers. 

Seungmin is munching on rice crackers when he gets the message.

Ara: im otw to your place. need to talk

Crisp and clear. No fluff. Just like how his sister is.

He hears the car five minutes later. Ara's Chevrolet making its way to the communal parking spot. His Hyundai is parked there too. It leaves empty space in front of his house - picket front door, a mini garden. He had strawberries growing there before. Peonies and roses. And a few easy chairs to play guitar on, under the sun. Bright and beautiful.

It's still beautiful but without the strawberry bushes, the peonies, the roses, the chairs. Trimmed grass surrounded his white brick home - two bedrooms, big kitchen, grand living room, hallway, an attic, a basement. 

Fit for a family. 

Ara rings him when she reaches the door. Old habit. She used to do it even at their family home. When they lived together. Calls for dinner, texts for heart to heart talks. Seungmin appreciates it a lot.

Novie seems to have sensed someone's arrival, running to the door. His paws ready, nose up high. Alert. Seungmin shakes his head fondly, patting the husky on top of his head.

"It's my sister, baby. Be good to her, eh?"

Novie relaxes a bit, moving away from Seungmin's path. Two strides and he settles near the coffee table. Not giving up yet.

Ara enters, a long coat covering her lithe body. She shakes her boots and ruffles the hood of the coat to get the snowflakes out. It snowed today, not much but still. 

Seungmin helps her out of the outerwear hanging it up on the stand. He gives Ara a quick side hug as she makes her way inside, his house slippers too big on her. 

"Do you want tea? I have coffee also."

"Tea is okay. Add some sugar for me. Wait, do you have milk tea?"

"It's in the fridge. I'll put it outside for a few. Should warm out a bit."

"Yeah, perfect. Thanks."

Seungmin walks to the fridge and takes the tea carton out. It's a bit chilled, setting it out at room temperature should help. Maybe ten minutes.

Ara is on her phone when he is back in the living space, settled in the middle of the three-seater. Novie has trudged to his space and is playing with a chew ball mindlessly.

"I got some tofu salad also. Was making it when you texted."

Ara looks up from her phone, placing it on top of the glass table. She takes her tea and tries to warm it further by rolling the tiny box between her palms.

"It works, thanks."

Seungmin sits on the left, his side. Just a plate in hand, he has had his green tea fix. 

Ara looks worried. Tiny forehead wrinkles covering her face. She is in her work attire, just out of her office then. 

"Seungmin……"

She stops, thinking about her words maybe. It looks difficult, she looks uncomfortable.

"Min,' she tries again. A breather. 'Chan messaged me today."

Oh.

Seungmin says nothing.

"We have not been talking. Don't think like that."

"I know."

"It's just...it was out of the blue."

"Okay."

"He is coming back, Channie is."

Of course, he is coming back. This is home, he cannot run forever.

"And he also dropped…….this card. His wedding card. March."

Ara places a pretty purple card on the center table. Chan's favorite color. Of course. Seungmin thought it would hurt less, but no.

Life is cruel. 

Life is ruthless because this card would have had his name under Chan's. Life is unrelenting because it would have been pale mint not royal purple. It would have been September this year, not March.

Chan is getting married in two months.

Chan has someone to share his life with.

Chan is in love. Again.

Chan loves someone when Seungmin is yet to move on from him. Two years are not enough. Two years are never enough.

--------------

Days go by, blending into one another. Seungmin's schedule helps him keep a track of it. Sort of.

He knows the next day is Saturday. His colleagues have plans, they had been discussing in the standup call. Felix had dropped by that Wednesday. No Jisung. He had work commitments. The 22 year old is interning at an architectural firm. 

Felix had brought his Staedtler pencils with him, probably some last-minute sketching. His brand is preparing for the Fall-Winter 2021/22 collection. Seungmin could see stripes and boxed checks. Fiery reds and estate blue with hints of solar yellow. It looks powerful, pretty, very detailed. 

Seungmin has always liked straight finishes and trims. Neutral colors, sharp moodboards. While Felix is obsessed with the psychedelic palette. Blast of colors, full of life. Just like him.

They had Milkis and popcorn, some horror movie playing in the background. Seungmin had picked it up after long analysis. IMDB 6.5, something about possessions and murders, jump scares and other gore stuff. His favorite genre.

Felix had survived the film, eyes half closed. Tired. Work had been crazy for him as well. But he had looked for that distraction. Proximity. Warmth. 

Maybe Seungmin did too.

It's Friday night. 

Nothing celebratory, just a day to mark off the calendar. Seungmin is preparing for the night shower - he does that twice a day. Without fail. No matter how many degrees it is outside.

Old shirt, faded red with Buffalo Bulls imprinted on it. He picked that up years ago and refuses to part ways with it.

Seungmin has a hard time giving up on things. On people.

Maybe that's why he is still in love with the same person who he fell for a decade ago. The person who had left him two years ago. Who fell out of love.

A warm shower is always great. It helps him clear his head. The steam always fogs the glass, he sees a blurred reflection of him as he gets out of the bathroom. His hair needs some care. Maybe he will get it trimmed tomorrow. Maybe not. 

His phone is vibrating relentlessly on the bedside stand. He has messages it seems, a string of messages.

It cannot be Hyunjin. They had a chat earlier and the man had mentioned about this party he is attending today.

It's not Hyunjin. It's Changbin.

Seungmin hardly remembers the guy. Sure, they had chats few and far between. Mindless stuff, easy banter. Open flirting. Nothing very crazy. 

It's his first message after a week.

Changbin: So I'm back from Jeju-do.

Changbin: It was... Very cold

So he had been travelling. 

Me: it is very cold here as well

Me: i can imagine

Me: looks like you had fun

Changbin: Yeah, would recommend. It’s very fun to travel during winters

Maybe when you are not Seungmin.

Changbin: You should have joined me here

Changbin: Would have helped you cool down

Me: lol, okay. maybe in next 30 years?

Changbin: I know we've just met. But I am realizing you're kind of sadistic 

Me: wow, thought this was a judgement free zone

Changbin: I don’t mind sadistic chicks. Kinda dig it even

Seungmin rolls his eyes.

Me: im not a chick, thats for sure

Changbin: You know statistically, that's like a 10% possibility. Tinder has a lot of catfishers 

Changbin: But i am not dwelling on it 

Me: lol i could be 60 and rotting for all you know

Changbin: Yes. But the heart wants what it wants. Until of course it sees your rotting 60 years old ass. And then the heart doesn't want what it doesn't want 

Me: my 60 year old ass is fantastic thank you very much

Changbin: Pilates? 

Me: Yoga

Changbin: Ok. Show me the proof sometime. And get that cute point as well 

Me: so 30 years in future, deal

Changbin: If you're happy being a 1.5/3 which let's be honest, is a D grade at best 

Me: im bad boy, grades mean nothing to me

Changbin: You really need to be aware of your innuendos

Changbin: Someone else would take that as flirting

Me: but you wont, i know that

Me: and as i said, i hold expertise in platonic flirting

Changbin: And I am an expert in subtly maneuvering to actual flirting

Seungmin is actually enjoying the chats. Changbin is flirting, that’s a given. But they are not doing anything further, he is not probing. And it’s a great distraction.

Anything to distract him from his mind.

But, he needs to clear the path before it comes to bite him in the ass.

Me: honest talk?

Changbin: Ok.

Me: its been a while since i last dated seriously. i dont think im built for romance, at least not the traditional way. so if you are looking for it, i think im not the right person 

Changbin: I am sort of not looking for a partner. I am mostly looking for someone to hang out with. Drink and talk. Can be strictly platonic if you want.

Me: so we were in the right direction then. just wanted to say that ig

Me: but dont be mistaken i like flirting

Me: i like banters

Me: i like everything we were doing in the past hour

Changbin: So can we still meet and hangout? Can i try your coffee?

Me: maybe in the future

Changbin: You don't mean like 30 years down the line right?

Me: you get 10 points!

Changbin: That is not a clarification at all 

Changbin: Sleepy. Flirt tomorrow

Me: bye

Seungmin had not been lying. He actually actually enjoys flirting. Sometimes he is not even the one starting it...it just comes naturally to him.

Flirting with Changbin is refreshing. There's ambiguity, anonymity that thrills him. And Changbin is fun. He hardly takes offence over Seungmin's jabs, has retorts for everything. Their conversations flow like water.

Distraction.

Seungmin goes to sleep with a smile on his face.

------------

"So, we need to get the artworks done today. I've shared the Google Diagram file with you. Should be on your inbox."

"Okay, Seungmin. Keep me posted on the whitepaper. Need to have things progressing fast."

"Yes, yes Jieun. I've it in review. Give me like 30 minutes."

"Cool, thanks."

This project is cruel. They have been pulled from different departments - development, marketing, front-end. Experts from all. Seungmin is loaded with a big responsibility.

Seungmin loves this.

He loves challenges, he loves how his work is taking up more hours of the day. He loves the numbness.

Novie is living with Felix for now and will be with him till this Friday. With this project, he is hardly able to get his meals done. His baby is at least fed and taken care of well under his best friend's care.

Seungmin has his electric kettle placed permanently on his work desk with an opened pack of green tea. He needs to stay hydrated to focus well. Meals come in the form of his snack fixes and ready to eat boxes. He is yet to take out the trash.

It's Tuesday already. Only two more days to go. He can do this.

Ring.

It takes him a moment to realize it's not his phone that is ringing.

Front door.

Seungmin is imagining things.

He is tired and projecting a ring.

Oh, it is actually ringing. Is he expecting an Amazon package? Food delivery? Nothing he remembers.

He trudges to the door. Slow steps, he had been sitting at one place for the past four hours. His limbs feel numb. He had thankfully taken a shower today, his routine. But the overall state of his appearance is not...him.

He is wearing glasses. Black rimmed, his favorite. The perks of working from home. He is comfortable in his fuzzy pajamas and a bedhead. He has a critical project to deliver.

Seungmin peaks through the hole, expecting a delivery boy, mailer man. Anything but this.

Bang Chan. 

------------

First love.

They say you can never forget your first love.

They are right.

Bang Chan is his first love. The first of a lot of things - first crush, first kiss, first sex, first heartbreak.

They have known each other for years. decades even. Since primary school. Chan is two years older, bigger than him, more experienced than him.

At first, he had been the protective brother figure. Fighting for him, saving little Seungmin from bullies, dressing his wounds.

Then Seungmin had seen him kissing another person. A girl.

Weird. Seungmin had been 11.

Then Chan had to leave, change his school and country.

Seungmin remembers crying to sleep. He had gotten attached. First sign of weakness.

Two years. Seungmin had two years to forget about him and yet, Chan did not give him that chance.

Just like now.

Seungmin is trying to move on. Hell, he even agreed to have a phone call with Hyunjin tonight. Why is he not moving on?

Where is the progress?

Why is his heart still thumping like crazy?

Why does he still care?

What is Chan trying to do?

Why is he still not hating him?

Why is Seungmin still in love?

Seungmin feels like crying. He had been standing at his door for the past ten minutes. Mind running miles a minute.

Chan is still there. Chan is still considerate.

Seungmin hopes Chan still loves him.

What bullshit.

He opens the door, still a bit conscious of how he looks. Not that Chan cares. No, Chan had loved him with all flaws. Had boosted his confidence, liked his beauty marks, loved him unadulterated. Or so he thinks. They had been dating on and off for four years when he had proposed. A final stamp to their love.

Love that is broken and dying in this house. Their house. A property they had gotten together. 

Life is a joke.

"Seungmin…"

No 'Minnie'. He had expected that. Hurts nonetheless.

"What are you doing here?"

Seungmin is going to do this well. Severe ties which Chan had left thinning. 

"Ah, I just wanted to speak?"

Okay, he wants to speak. Seungmin is going to let him speak. Because Chan is a good man, all of this isn't his fault solely. It's on Seungmin too. He had not been flexible. Not enough.

"Mmm. Come in.."

Chan is slow to enter, chocolate brown snow hat on his head. Navy padding with ice washed denims and hefty boots. He is dressed for snow. 

He is still unbelievably handsome.

Chan's coming back had little to no impact on Seungmin. 11 and forgotten. But it had been huge for his middle school. They looked to close more medals in intra-school competitions with their scholar back. Chan has always been an overachiever.

Seungmin had his own group of friends - 13 year olds who had their own experiences, more guts. He had been the only one yet to be kissed. Not by circumstances but by choice. No crush, no kiss. He had not been the one to kiss mindlessly.

He remembers exactly when things changed.

They had first started as acquaintances - Chan and him. Someone he had spent time with, a school senior. Months and months of catching up and this and that. Chan had always been so warm-hearted. So welcoming.

14 and shy.

Daily hangouts after school with Chan consoling Seungmin that it is going to be okay. He is going to be just five minutes away. High-school is only a street away. Seungmin had the choice to visit him anytime.

It had been a hard time for Seungmin. Ara had left for her University in Busan and now Chan. His pet ferret had passed away that month - Vector, he had buried him in the family courtyard.

Distance did not matter, attachment did. Seungmin had developed a crush on Chan.

Who wouldn't. Chan is caring, attentive, a positive influence, a happy person. A beautiful beautiful man. Inside and outside.

That beautiful man is sitting on his sofa now. 

Originally, the place had a loveseat and a couple of single couches - suede. Beautiful beige. There had been no TV. They did not need one. They liked spending their time together anyway, roaming around or cozying up in the bedroom. 

The tea is untouched on the center table. Chan loves tea. Or maybe his taste had changed. Just like…..

Seungmin needs to throw away his bitter thoughts.

Chan is not a monster. He is a human being, he is prone to making mistakes. Maybe he has realized his? 

"I don't know how to bring this up without making it awkward."

So not a mistake.

"Just say Chan. I already know."

"I messaged you as well. You blocked me, I guess."

He had.

"It was years ago…."

"I wanted to give you the card myself."

Wow, this is more than cruel.

"Hmmm. All preparations done?"

Changbin is right. Seungmin is sadistic.

"Yeah, mostly. Venue was paid for just yesterday. That guest house."

Seungmin knows what he is talking about. It takes at least six months of pre-booking to get that guest house. Chan must have been planning for half a year at least. 

"Ah okay. It's just a month away, it better be."

"How are you?"

Barely surviving.

"Good, good. Working on this crazy project. Takes up most of my time."

"Ara mentioned you have been working from home lately."

Yeah, human interaction is getting painful day by day. He is asked things he has no answers for. He has grown to become a professional avoidant.

"It's easier that way. I have to take care of Novie too. My husky."

"Wow. Beautiful. Minho has cats."

His fiancé.

He remembers the card.

Bang Chan

& 

Lee Minho

"Will you come?"

"I will try."

He will. Chan is sweet, he deserves all the love in the world. He hopes Minho loves him enough. He is giving Chan everything Seungmin did not.

They stay like that for a while. Chan is finishing up his tea. Seungmin knows his tastes have changed. The tiny crinkle of his nose says all. 

Details. 

Seungmin knows his every detail. Chan likes to sleep without his shirt, moles scattered like a beautiful constellation. He likes to eat breakfast without brushing teeth. His habit of sneaking chocolates in their grocery basket. His allergic reaction to peanuts. His beautiful moans, the way his tongue touches the top of Seungmin's mouth. Every taste, every touch.

He wonders how many of them are still there. Seungmin hopes Minho has discovered them too.

It's hard to move on.

But Seungmin needs to, for himself. For Chan.

"Chan, I would love to meet Minho."

The happiness in Chan's eyes is worth every pin that punctures Seungmin’s heart.

--------------

Hyunjin is warm. 

He has a warm voice, warm laughter, warm personality. They have been calling each other frequently. Hyunjin goes for smoke breaks at 12:30 noon and 4:30 PM. They speak then. 

Phone calls with Hyunjin is part of his routine now.

"And then my sister asked me for a new hand bag. Is she crazy? I cannot believe she could think I'll get her something. I'm practically broke."

And dramatic.

Seungmin is laughing at the poor man. No, not at him but at the situation he is stuck in.

"You could tell her this...that you are broke."

"Are you serious? She would skin me alive. Younger sisters are like Satan."

"Okay, okay. I'm sorry. Wait, I'll have to put you on speaker now. Gotta get something from fridge."

"Cool! What are you cooking though?"

"Just rice and veggies."

"NO MEAT?"

"I like to go kinda vegan some days. Helps with my digestive system."

"What are you? 70?"

"Yup, 75 next week."

Hyunjin is laughing loudly on the other side. He hears some shuffling in the background along with his pretty chuckles.

"Min, I have to head out now. This friend is dragging me to his house. He has drinks. I cannot say no to free drinks, you know."

Seungmin knows.

"Alright. Speak to you soon."

Dinner's ready by the time he is back from the bathroom. Quick meal, nothing fancy. He is not feeling hungry anyway. Novie is munching on his packaged treats, settled at Seungmin's side. He has to take him out for a run tonight. It's less chilly now, weather is growing better day by day.

His phone vibrates on top of the dinner table.

Lixie

"Hello."

"Min, can you come over?"

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah, mostly. I just…..I just need you. Come with Novie."

"Should I bring something? I have some strawberry milk."

"Please."

Something is not sitting right. Felix is not of clipped replies. He is descriptive. 

Seungmin decides to walk, rather jog to Felix's place. It's only on the first floor so Novie climbs easily. The door is already unlocked. Someone is inside with Felix, he can hear mumbles.

Jisung.

Felix is on his bed wrapped tightly in his blanket. His blond hair a mess, nose slightly red. Jisung is sitting on his right. The younger man is holding his left hand, caressing it.

He leaves Novie with Jams, Felix's golden retriever. They are going to be busy with Jams' toys anyway.

Felix looks up at him. He is sad. And crying now.

"Hi, Seungmin."

"Hello, Jisung."

"Sorry, for calling you like this Min….I wanted you both here. And Novie. My favorite boys."

"What happened, Lixie?"

"Mom called me up today."

"Oh."

"Dad's treatment is not effective anymore. They are going back to Australia. He wants some familiarity."

Felix's dad, step-dad, has been undergoing treatment for colorectal cancer for a while. He had been reacting well to the treatment initially, but it's not the same anymore.

Seungmin has been to the hospital before, with Felix. The blond guiding him through different wards to the one his dad is stationed at. He remembers meeting him briefly, big smile plastered on a gaunt face. Glittering eyes full of life, even when the situation is anything but.

Seungmin feels sad for his friend. Felix loves his dad very much.

"When will you leave?"

"Tickets are done for tomorrow. Every day is precious Min."

Jisung is quiet but doing his best to comfort his boyfriend. They are never big on PDA, just some hand holding and loving gazes. 

"I'm here for you baby. I'll help you with Jams if you want."

"Jisung wanted to be with her actually. He can stay here while I am away. I know you have a lot going on."

The silent question.

He is yet to tell Felix about Hyunjin. Or Changbin if he is still in the picture.

"Okay. Jisung, you can come down at any point alright. Never hesitate. I know this is overwhelming for you too."

"Don't worry, hyung. I'll take care of everything here."

Jisung is trying to stay strong for Felix. They are a good pair.

"Sungie, can I speak to Min for a bit?"

"Of course, I'll be outside with Novie and Jams. Call me if you need me hyung-ah."

Jisung drops a quick peck on Felix's lips and heads out of the door.

"You are meeting Minho."

Straight to the point. A statement.

"Ah, yeah I am, I guess."

"Min, are you okay?"

He is not.

"Better than before at least."

"Min, you know you don't have to do this. Chan will understand."

He hears the wince at Chan's name. Felix is his best friend, someone who knows him well. But not more than Chan himself.

"I know, he will. But I want to see him happy, Lix. And he is happy now."

"This is a big step….I'm just worried about you."

"Hey, hey hey. You don't have to. I'm trying to move on. Can't be a homewrecker."

Felix is looking at him pointedly. He doesn't believe him.

"In fact, I have a date this Saturday."

"Oh, who is this person? I know them?"

"No, no. We met on…...we met on Tinder."

"You said you are no longer using it?"

"Yeah, I am not. This person. I gave them my Skype."

"Wow, you are actually doing this. I'm proud of you, baby."

He is. Felix is proud of him. Proud of his growth. 

Chan isn't Seungmin's only relationship. He has dated a few before and after. Girls and boys, he is okay with both genders. 

Kim Yeonmi. His pretty classmate in High School first year. He had been brokenhearted then. Chan and his first break-up.

Park Seonhwa. Last year. Colleague, different departments. He had liked the thrill of office romance. Of doing things out of routine, breaking norms. But office romances do not last long, especially with gossip covering stuff Seungmin is sensitive about. 

Kim Seungmin from marketing is dating that Park guy. How shameless.

I heard he was engaged before. Poor guy.

His fiancé left him. He looks like a playboy anyway. Good riddance.

He had no plans to date after that. At least until now.

Seungmin is a man with a mission.

-----------

The café is a quaint one. Tucked in the corner of a busy street. Cozy and full of trinkets.

Seungmin likes it here.

He is a bit early for the meet up. He had lied to Felix. Hyunjin and him are just meeting up today, not exactly a date. 

Seungmin is not ready for a date.

He is wearing an oversized purple sweater with some dark blue jeans. It's early February now, the weather is a bit warmer. Seungmin has an option to dress light, but he won't. Changing weathers are the worst. He is not going to get sick over some carelessness.

Hyunjin is clearly not notified of the same.

He is in a denim button down with darker jeans, brisk walking to the table Seungmin is sitting at. His hair is pink now, pretty.

Hyunjin is so pretty.

Almost as pretty as Minho.

Chan's fiancé is ethereal. A delicate face, big eyes, straight nose, a cheeky smile. He looks so good with Chan. They match well.

He has some of the pictures saved. From Chan's Instagram account. He had not blocked him there. For memories, even when they hurt like hell.

Hyunjin is as talkative face to face as he is on the phone. There is no awkwardness.

They are with their orders now. Seungmin with his milk tea and chicken puff. Hyunjin is slurping hard on his Frappuccino, a helping of layered pastry sitting on his side of the table. The long haired man had mentioned that in passing, his obsessive sweet tooth. Seungmin finds it adorable.

"Hey! I feel like I’ve not introduced myself properly yet."

"Hyunjin, we’ve been speaking for a month now….I kinda know you now."

"Haha, sorry. I am like glad to have someone to speak with. Someone so mysterious like you."

He is gesturing with his hands, the man is very fluid with his actions. Sweet.

"I can be your safe space, if you want to. Someone who knows very little. It helps sometimes, it does help me."

"I know! At least I can share the things. Which I see or which I read sometimes. You get me, somehow. Better than my colleagues, for sure. By the way, the cafe is really cosy, I never thought I would like quiet places."

"You will like it here."

"I need to figure it out this statement since I agreed to your proposal. Not that kinda proposal, if you know what I mean."

"Yes, yes. Don’t you worry. I get all your puns."

"Do I have the option of holding your hand over here?"

"I thought we agreed on this. It’s not a date."

"Friends can hold hands too! And we are practically soulmates! We match so well."

"Not now, maybe later."

"Maybe later is the option. Oh crap! that’s so difficult to digest! I have ‘Mysterious’ Seungmin in front of me."

"Why are you flirting this much haha….You don't need to try hard, I gave you my number right? And if it consoles you….you are the first new person I’m meeting...in a while."

"Wow, that makes me feel special."

Hyunjin sets his finished mug aside and picks up the dessert spoon from the holder. The neck in clasp, gentle fingers, handle out. It takes Seungmin several seconds to realize the ash blond is offering the spoon to him.

"Ah, thanks, but I don’t take sugar."

"You surprise me every time, wow. By the way, I deleted my Tinder! Done and dusted!"

Hyunjin had mentioned that to him before, the day Seungmin deleted his. 

I found you. Why would I give a chance to a third match, when I can make it up to a second one.

"You were not obliged to, you know. Seriously, what were you even doing on Tinder?"

"I told you before, what I was looking for. And I know it’s completely different from what you want. I am just trying my luck if we can make it up on the same page at the end."

Ah, this. Hyunjin believes in soulmates. Partners. Love.

"Hyunjin……."

"Hey, if you think my dedication can work it through for us, then probably I can do that. To make it happen. Us happen."

"I’m not ready for it….for anything more than platonic. Not right now."

Or never.

"I would not have been into a long conversation with you if I did not want to make a commitment, you know. I like you either ways, platonic or otherwise. Just wanted to give you a clear picture."

Seungmin likes the guy. He is cute and fun. He is going to be an amazing boyfriend. Maybe…

"Slow down haha. Let’s be friends first? Then we will see. Who doesn't like being complimented, flirted with and all those nick nacks. But let's be real here, we don't know each other. So let's get to that first?"

"I am not rushing things at all! You misunderstood it."

Hyunjin is flailing again. It’s endearing.

"I know. I’m not good at other stuff you know. Been a long time since I last dated. Just don’t want to lead you on."

"Okay got you! I know that much at least. That you like things a bit slow so yeah. I have no problem accepting."

"Glad to know we are on the same page"

It feels nice to be pursued. To have someone taking care of you, thinking about you. Loving you. Seungmin is not allergic to love, as some might say. He likes hand holding, likes kisses, affection, making love. 

Love.

It's the feeling that compels him to reach out and hold Hyunjin's hand. 

They are walking side by side on the footpath. Busy street bustling with energy - restaurants, hawkers, stores, people. Everything turns into white noise. Just the feeling of Hyunjin's warm palm against his remains. He holds a little tighter, maybe assuring himself that yes - it's okay to move on.

It's okay to let go.

It's okay to fall in love again.

--------------

Felix is back when the spring starts rolling in.

Seungmin's courtyard is a little greener now. Not shrubs, just weed. The blue of the picket fence is more visible now. He can drag some chairs outside if he wants. Neighbors do that and throw their barbeque parties out in the open. Seungmin is not the one to party. He used to, but not anymore.

He should mow the front, just for his mental peace.

Work is lighter today. So when Felix asks him to pick him up from the airport, he has no reasons to refuse. Not that he will ever. It's Felix.

They are sitting on the porch now, warm tea in hard. Espresso for Felix. 

"It feels so nice to be back, Minnie. Like Sydney is home but Bucheon feels more home than actual home. Like even the coffee is different."

Felix raises the mug, chuckling. It's branded as his - the mug. They got it together - one with a color palette for the blond and the guitar one for Seungmin.

"How is uncle now?"

"Still the same. But he is happier. Honestly, that's all I've ever wanted."

Felix looks lively, like Australia had given him some serotonin boost or something. Maybe it had. The freckles on his face are more prominent than ever. He looks beautiful in the sun.

"I asked Jisung to move in with me this week. He was practically living there anyway."

"Yeah, it'd be good for you both. You can actually save rather than just thinking about it."

Now Seungmin is laughing too.

He had missed this. He had missed Felix.

"Hey, let's get inside. I have sooo many questions for you. Don't think you can run away."

"I wasn't planning to."

They talk about various things through dinner time. Seungmin finally mentions Hyunjin. Their dates - café, Han river strolls, hanging out at Hyunjin's apartment. Their first kiss.

"Are you guys a thing now?"

"No, no, no. We are taking it slow. That kiss…...it was just very out of character for us. We did not plan it. It just... happened."

"Do you like him, Seungmin?"

"I don't know Felix. I just... don't know. Sure he is amazing, he gives me attention, understands me. He is so handsome. But…"

"But you still think about Chan, isn't it?"

"I don't want to feel anything anymore. For no one. Hyunjin's every touch reminds me of….Chan. Even though they are nothing alike. How dare he move on so quickly when I'm still stuck. How dare he…"

"Seungmin no…..come here"

Felix's hugs are still heaven. Nothing's changed in the past seven years. Or maybe everything did.

---------------

March arrives sooner than ever.

Chan had asked for a meeting outside. Makes sense, he would not want Chan and Minho visiting his home either. Too personal, had been holding too many memories.

The restaurant is in a popular part of the town. Of course.

Seungmin and Chan had moved to the outskirts to afford that picket fence house. How juvenile of him. Chan likes bigger things but Seungmin is attached to the town. Chan likes connections, dislikes long hours of commute. It tires him, he had said.

The first mistake.

Chan's table is far into the entrance. Table for four. He is already sitting with Minho as Seungmin walks in.

Minho.

He knows the man is not young but he looks not even one day over 20. That youthful grace, poised stature. Chan's type - Seungmin knows that because he had once looked like that too. Minus the obvious beauty.

Chan is happy, extremely happy. Like his two favorites are meeting today. Is Seungmin still his favorite? Seungmin is crazy to think so.

He is crazy to think Minho to be the one who had come between them. It is not Minho. It is not Chan either. It's him, solely him.

It's Seungmin who spoiled his own engagement. Who had considered the ring to be a burden.

Who had kept Chan waiting for 4 years.

No wonder Chan had fallen out of love. Seungmin had refused to compromise with things, dragging Chan along with his uncertainties. Chan had been patient, very patient. But one could only do so much.

Four years of engagement had been too less for Seungmin. Especially when they had been prone to fighting at every discord. Off then on, then off again. 

No wonder Chan had been able to move on quickly. Their love had vanished with the years, only responsibilities remained. Seungmin had been too proud to let go of his comfort zone. He is still the same. 

Too proud to let go of a man that clearly isn't his anymore.

Minho is a clinical dietitian at the hospital Chan works at. Similar age, similar lifestyles, covering the same ward. He lives in the city, works 8 AM to 5 PM, six days a week. 

Minho matches so well with Chan. Minho is so lucky to have Chan.

Dinner is simple - Korean BBQ with a side of wine. Grilling meat means less talking, less awkwardness. The couple had been respectful so far, just small talks and sharing tidbits from their work life. Nothing mushy, nothing too personal. Nothing about the wedding at all. But Seungmin had been on edge the entire time.

Who was he kidding? He was not prepared to meet Minho. Or Chan. 

It's funny how he thought it would be easier now with Hyunjin in the picture. Sweet Hyunjin with plush lips and a heart of gold. Who cares, who looks at Seungmin like he is the center of the world. Who is giving and giving and giving.

Who Seungmin is clearly leading on.

Hyunjin deserves better. Seungmin deserves better too. 

It's at that evening, amidst Chan and Minho's giggles, Seungmin decides to give himself to Hyunjin.

He is going to try living. Once again. 

------------

It's raining by the time Seungmin reaches Hyunjin's place. 

He had taken a cab, still tipsy from the wine. Chan had insisted to drop him home, but every moment with his Ex had felt like a torture. Even when they were nothing but nice and understanding.

Thanks but I have to go see my boyfriend.

Chan had been…..surprised. Clearly not expecting this. Minho had shown no emotions - Seungmin had realized the dietitian was majorly a quiet guy, keeping himself to a minimum. Not meddling. He must have come due to Chan's request, to make him happy. Seungmin would have done the same. Looks like he has some similarities with Minho, apart from them being Chan's past and the present.

But as cliché as it is, he is by Hyunjin's third-floor apartment. Not really drenched, but kind of wet. He is let in easily by the doorman. He has been here a few times. More like two dozen times.

Hyunjin's studio is just like him. Big and full of everything. A make-do couch with throw blankets often sitting there. Almost empty kitchen with counter filled with takeout boxes. Unmade bed and a single person work desk with a huge monitor. Two industrial windows facing the street. 

The door is not locked, Hyunjin knows he is here. How can he not, it's nearly midnight and this part of town is mostly deserted at night. The cab must have been loud.

"Seungmin….wow. You are so wet. Come in first."

Hyunjin looks so comfy in his pajamas and bedhead. Seungmin wants to kiss him so bad.

So he does.

He pushes the tall man into his studio, body familiar with the layout. He knows he needs to be careful of the always open closet near the door. And of the shoes flowing out of them. He steers left, to the tiny kitchen which thankfully has a breakfast bar. They keep kissing thoroughly even as Seungmin pushes his shoes out of the way. He is here to devour the man, nerves excited from the wine. Hyunjin returns with the same fervor. Hands making their way to Seungmin's wet hair as the latter holds him by the waist. Lips hungry, eyes closed, heart beats so fast Seungmin swears he can hear them. 

Hyunjin is a fireball, and Seungmin wants to burn with him. 

They only stop after it seems like an hour has passed. Or two. Mainly because Hyunjin had hit his back on the fridge during their make out session. Now they are both laughing. Hands intertwined, nose touching. It feels so amazing. So domestic.

"As much as I want to continue kissing, you need a bath. Like go quick and be back in five minutes max. Your nose is so red aah."

Hyunjin kisses his nose for emphasis, pushing Seungmin towards the bathroom.

"Go go go. I'll get you a towel and some clothes."

The warm shower helps a lot. Helps him think and rethink on his actions. Everything is muzzy and blurred. Everything but Hyunjin.

Hyunjin is bright and clear. A hope. Maybe he can fall in love again.

The tall one is resting on his bed by the time Seungmin is back from the bathroom. He is scrolling through his phone in the middle of blankets and pillows. Hyunjin loves his pillows, and would not sleep without at least three of them. One each under his head and between legs and a big one to hold into. It's adorable. 

He joins Hyunjin on the bed, shuffling through the sheets to attach himself to the man. They are almost equal in height - Seungmin a little broader, Hyunjin has his long legs. But Seungmin loves tucking himself into the man's chest, head underneath Hyunjin's chin. He feels safer that way, the warm radiating from Hyunjin calms him enough. 

Cuddling is usual for them. He often barges into Hyunjin's apartment to hold him, cuddle and kiss. No labels. Hyunjin playing with his hair, Seungmin holding the man tighter on the waist. It's so comfortable.

Hyunjin's faded pink hair looks ethereal against the white pillows. A mess, a beautiful mess. His eyes are reflecting the streetlight outside. 

"Hey."

"Hey yourself."

The beautiful chuckle.

"It feels different today. Today feels different. What is it?"

"Nothing, just missed you."

"Oh really? Hmm...then miss me more often."

"Maybe I will.."

Then they both go silent, basking in the moment.

"Hyunjin."

"Hmm?"

"I think I'm ready."

"Mmh, ready? For what?"

"For us. I think I'm ready to give us a try."

He hears Hyunjin's breath hitch. Surprise. Then he is suddenly sitting up, leaving Seungmin flat on the bed. 

"Are you serious?"

"Mmm...yeah."

"Really?"

"Hyunjin...come back. Wanna hold you."

Hyunjin is laughing full on now. Dropping back to the bed, now facing Seungmin. 

"I'm so so happy right now. I just…"

"I know baby."

This time it's Hyunjin who initiates the kiss. Soft, starting out as little pecks. On his forehead, on his cheeks, on the side of his lips. Couple tiny pecks on his lips. Then breaks the contact and looks up at Seungmin again. A silent consent. 

Seungmin's smile is enough to get Hyunjin back on him again.

-------------

Dating Hyunjin is like a breath of fresh air. 

He is a constant that makes Seungmin want to go beyond himself. To unfamiliar places, on little dates. 

He smiles a little wider now.

Felix notices.

"I'm so happy to see you here Min."

"Yeah, Hyunjin wanted to go to this club. And I wanted a drink."

"I know, mister Kim drunkard."

"Not funny."

"At least I'm funnier than you are."

Seungmin rolls his eyes. They are sitting on a table for four in front of the bar counter. Their boyfriends on the dance floor doing some weird competition with Jisung, both laughing hard. Felix and Seungmin had refused to join their madness, choosing to go back and tend to their drinks instead.

"But seriously….I missed this Seungmin. It's been so long to see you this carefree. Hyunjin is….Hyunjin is actually good for you."

"I think so too."

Jisung comes back first, panting hard from the dance-off. He is surprisingly a good dancer and from how Felix looks, the blond knows that fact.

"Hyung-ah, can you pass me water? Hyunjin hyung is too energetic, I cannot keep up."

"Who told you to compete with him hmm...?"

Felix is chuckling at his boyfriend's condition. He wipes the stray drops from Jisung's chin mindlessly as the younger finishes off with the bottle.

"He is really fun though!"

"Who is fun?"

Hwang Hyunjin is wearing a red silk shirt tucked inside leather pants with a lot of chains. His long, now ash gray, hair is managed messily on top of his head. A half bun. Hyunjin takes out the tie quickly arranging the bun to make it even messier. It suits him. Everything suits him.

"Ah, don't bother, Jisungie. The compliment will go to his head."

"Stabbed by my own boyfriend. I have no purpose in life anymore."

The gestures, the dramatics. Hyunjin is so lively Seungmin has no choice but to pull him in by the arms, holding him closer.

"And that's my clue to leave. Come on, baby. Let's go enjoy ourselves at the dance floor before they start making out in front of us."

"Hey!"

Felix drags Jisung to the dance floor, to the side where there is less crowd. Seungmin kind of wants to follow him but he has something else to pay attention to.

Hyunjin is pouting, stuffing his face with French fries.

"You don't dance with me…"

"You call that dancing?"

"Hey! I can dance well. I was just annoying you."

"Yeah...right."

Seungmin sips on his Moscow Mules. Spicy, just like he likes. Hyunjin's Mojito is untouched on his side.

"Come with me when they play slow songs okay, I'll show you my skills."

"Alright, alright. You big baby."

They move to the tune of the song. Slowly. Seungmin has his arms around Hyunjin who is hugging him from the front as 'I don't want to miss a thing' plays in the background. He smells like plum, vanilla and musk. A familiar scent.

Song fades out to another, and another. There are other couples around. Jisung and Felix are trying to waltz to the song at the far corner, smiles on their face.

Seungmin pulls apart from the embrace for a moment, eyes up at Hyunjin. They wear matching smiles as they kiss. It feels right, kissing him in front of hundred others, in the middle of a dance floor.

The way back is all slurred speeches and mess. Hands everywhere. They are out of the door as soon as the cab reaches Seungmin's place. 

Thirty seconds and they are in. Twenty seconds to open the picket gate and ten for the main door. Another ten and Hyunjin is pushed back into the three seater couch. Seungmin is impatient and the bedroom looks so far right now. Their lips collide dangerously.

Woof.

Oh yeah, Novie. Seungmin jumps away from Hyunjin like he had been electrocuted.

"Hyunjin, baby. Move to my room okay. I'll be back in a second."

Hyunjin looks ravished and they haven't done anything yet. He obliges quietly.

Seungmin rushes through setting up a meal for Novie. The husky nodding sleepily at his side. He pats in between his ears a few times, encouraging the husky to finish the meal quickly. Seungmin had stuff waiting for him.

Another five minutes that he kills washing hands and his face. His cocktail did good today. He is still feeling the buzz and the warmth. It's mid April now.

He goes back to his bedroom when Novie is finally asleep. They have to be quiet now.

Hyunjin is brushing his teeth now, already out of his shirt. His fit chest out on the display. They had spare toothbrushes at each other's place. It made things convenient. 

Seungmin walks to the open bathroom, hugging Hyunjin from behind. He is so warm Seungmin can not help but drop little kisses on his nape. There are tens of tiny moles there. Hyunjin rinses his mouth quickly and turns around, giving Seungmin the opportunity to hold his face. 

"Someone is impatient.."

"Mmm...come on, don't make me wait. Or I'll leave you here."

Hyunjin chuckles before meeting his lips. They kiss with a little urgency now, soft pecks long forgotten. His breath minty from the herbal toothpaste Seungmin likes to use. Lips red and puffy. Seungmin knows he tastes like the Moscow Mules he had earlier but who cares. 

He is quick to remove his black button up to match Hyunjin's stature. Now Seungmin barely works out but he has a healthy body. His 7 AM yoga routine and no sugar diet helps him be in shape. Hyunjin hardly cares about that, it seems. His hands are everywhere on Seungmin's body. Urgent. 

"Let's take this to bed."

"Mmh."

---------------

Seungmin goes back to office starting late May.

It's still intimidating. He feels eyes on him, the constant murmurs. But staying at home did nothing better. He has to face people now, their questions. He has to grow from his fears. It's high time now.

Hyunjin helps a lot. In guiding Seungmin through positives, encouraging him whenever needed, loving him throughout. Seungmin is lucky to have him in his life.

His hard work had gained him a promotion during his remote working days. He had a small team of regular writers, promoters and a few interns. Seungmin knows he is good at what he does. 

Kim Seungmin, Manager, Digital Marketing

Taking meetings from actual meeting rooms feels empowering. Dressing up for work feels refreshing. Hell, even the one hour commute to Seoul Park makes him happy. 

He is finally moving on.

-----------

Their first fight happens on June 23rd.

Hyunjin, his sweet Hyunjin, is upset with him. It's Seungmin's fault, of course. He is dragging Hyunjin into his mess, which makes no sense. It is cruel even.

"Why can't I meet your parents? Every time I initiate something with friends or family, you turn me down. At least meet my mom. She will love you, I promise."

"No no no. I didn't mean it like that."

"Then what do you even mean? I cannot visit your office, you cannot meet my friends. Heck, I only know Felix. I don't want to be your hidden side hoe."

"Hyunjin, no…."

"Are you ashamed of being seen with me……I know I'm a lot of trouble. Not settled. Wild and everywhere. Tell me do you want me to change? I'll do anything."

"Hyunjin, STOP. Baby, you are perfect. Never, never think otherwise. And I'm NOT ashamed to be seen with you. I like you, for real."

"Then when were you going to tell me about Chan..?"

"Who... who told you?"

"Tell me, are you still in love with him? That's why you can't love me?"

"No, I'm not…"

He is not, really. At least not like before. But Seungmin knows he can never stop loving Chan. 

And Hyunjin. Seungmin wants to fall in love with him. He does. Really. But it's hard. 

"I love you, Seungmin. I love you so much it hurts."

"I know, I'm sorry."

"No, I'm sorry. I keep expecting things from you when I know it's difficult for you. I promised I would give you time. But I can't help but get impatient, Min. I don't know if you'd return my feelings, ever."

"Jinnie…"

"I'll be at home. Let me have a few days please. I feel like I'm depending on you too much."

"Okay…"

Hyunjin leaves without another word. Seungmin lets him have that. Hyunjin is right, he has no idea whether he'd be able to return his love. Ever.

---------

They do not speak to each other for days. 

Seungmin takes that time to retrospect. 

Does he like Hyunjin? Without a doubt. 

Will he trust himself to him? Forever. 

But is that love? He is not sure.

Hyunjin had been with him when he wanted someone. His rebound. He couldn't do that to Hyunjin anymore.

But Hyunjin is the warmth he lacks in his life. He loves him, just not like that. He knows he is cruel to Hyunjin, to himself. 

Hyunjin is giving so much, one day he will get tired and leave him. Seungmin is waiting for that day. He should have broken up with him after the realization. But no, he needs Hyunjin in his life. 

Seungmin is cruel. And selfish.

---------

It's Hyunjin breaking the ice, of course. 

Seungmin is in the kitchen working on his pancake batter. 7:30 AM his breakfast hour. The phone vibration alerts him, it never chimes in the morning. No one texts him in the morning.

Hyunjin: Hi, breakfast?

He is quick to reply.

Me: come home.. im making pancakes

Hyunjin: Sweet, be there in five

Hyunjin is coming. It's 7:30 AM on a Saturday and Hyunjin is coming. Hyunjin who hardly wakes up early on weekends, or even weekdays - coming up just five minutes from his usual login hour. 

His doorbell chimes exactly at 7:45 AM. Typical Hyunjin, Seungmin chuckles fondly. 

"Min, I missed you so much."

Hyunjin is on him the second the door opens. His hair is black now with green ends, freshly dyed. He looks beautiful as always.

"I missed you too, you big baby. Come, Novie wants to say hello."

His husky is weirdly attached to Hyunjin, jumping at him at every opportunity. Hyunjin is so good with people and pets, it's admirable. 

Novie runs to Hyunjin on cue, tackling him on the sofa, accidentally sending the papers on the center table to his rug. Loose papers, everywhere. This baby. Novie is one and he thinks he is a lapdog or something.

"No, what have you done Novie….Thank God I already have them scanned."

But the husky pays him no mind, busy playing with his boyfriend. The sight is so adorable Seungmin kind of wants to store it in his mind. Or camera. Or both.

Camera wins.

The shutter from his phone catches Hyunjin's attention.

"You like when your boys play or what?"

"Yup, storing it in my blackmail folder."

"You are so cruel, Seungmin."

But he is laughing. They are both laughing.

"I missed you too, Jinnie."

------------

It's funny how fate plays games with you. The moment you finally feel okay, they bring you back to things that hurt you the most.

In Seungmin's case it is Lee Minho.

He is at this BBQ restaurant. An unofficial gathering set by one of his colleagues. They are moving out of the company - this is a small farewell to their services. Nothing very exclusive, his colleague is cool enough to let them invite whoever they want.

Minho is childhood friends with one of his colleagues' partners. Seungmin had been preparing his galbi when they joined the table. He had honestly not expected Minho to be here, him of all people. Minho did not seem like someone who would join such parties. He looks like someone very sophisticated with high standards. 

He is wrong.

This Minho is carefree. With a very cute laugh. He is full of sarcastic remarks and healthy jabs. Minho even acknowledges him in front of everyone. Seungmin could imagine being friends with the guy, had Chan not married him.

Which did not happen.

Seungmin is blank.

It had started casually, like everything else in this barbeque joint.

"So...how's life as a married man, Minho?"

Rena, his coworker. Minho has been part of such gatherings before. His colleagues know him. Kind of.

"Ah, no no. I'm free as ever! Something came up and we have to push it back for a few months."

Chan and him are not married. Minho says something came up. What did? Did they just postpone it or….

Is this his chance?

Seungmin needs to stop his thought process. This isn't right. He shouldn't be praying for this.

He has Hyunjin. 

Or does he?

He had distanced himself from Hyunjin in the past few weeks. It's hard, but Seungmin couldn't have dragged him further. He feels guilty. He feels selfish to give the man false hope. He tries, he does, but love doesn't come by easily. 

"Hey, Seungmin."

Seungmin is out in the parking lot, smoking. His colleagues had already left for the night, leaving him to his thoughts. And whenever Seungmin wants to stop thinking, he smokes. He had been smoking frequently these weeks. Hyunjin had complained to him, pushed him away. Maybe smoking did wonders after all.

"Hey, Minho."

"How have you been these days?"

Minho gestures for a drag. Seungmin chuckles, unamused.

"You are supposed to be a dietitian."

"And I am. Don't worry, I'm not a regular."

"Hmm."

"So…..now you know."

"Yeah...how do you feel? Are you okay?"

"Honestly? Yes, I'm okay."

"What happened? If you want to tell me, of course."

"Naah, we realized we were moving too fast. Two years and then engagement and then wedding. It's weird right?"

"It's not weird if you love each other, you know. I wish…."

"You wish…."

"I wish I was brave enough, Minho. Don't be like me. Don't give up this fast. You are good for each other. Don't let him go."

"You still love him right?"

"If you would have asked me this question a few months back, my answer would have been yes. But now it's no. I love Chan, I would always love him. But it's not the same. Plus, he loves you. That's all that matters, you know."

"Thank you, Seungmin."

"You are good for him, Minho. Take care of him. He makes mistakes, but he has a warm heart. He would love you for a long time. And yes, don't forget to send me the invite."

Seungmin feels lighter. Maybe it's the cigarette. Maybe it's not.

Maybe it's him finally letting go of something he had been holding forever.

---------

Hyunjin breaks up with him a month later.

Seungmin had seen that coming. Even Felix did. He had tried to tell Seungmin, not that he needs alerts of Hyunjin's current predicament. And Felix did not pry further -  he had a lot going on anyway. 

"Min, I don't know if I want to do this anymore."

He knows.

"It's so tiring to wait for you to love me back. We haven't even kissed in weeks."

Seungmin is sorry.

"I don't wanna lose you."

Him too.

"But I cannot be doing everything in this relationship."

He understands.

"Let's just be friends, yeah? But not now…...I need some time. Alone."

Seungmin had hoped for this. Hyunjin is an angel, he deserves everything in the world. Not Seungmin. 

"Hyunjin, I'm so sorry I wasn't enough for you. I want you in my life too, forever. Maybe not as a partner….but as a friend."

"I know… you've been so clear about it since the start. I was stupid."

"Hey, hey. No. I honestly like you too. Still do. But our paths, they do not converge. We both want different things."

Hyunjin hugs him tight at that. Not letting him breathe. It's painful to see him like that. His happy Hyunjin.

"You are so cool, Jinnie. You'll find someone special, I'm sure."

"Mmm."

Seungmin kisses him on the lips one last time, both smile.

Maybe it's a new beginning.

------

Things start getting better at the office. 

Seungmin is praised for his work, starts getting closer to some of his co-workers. Coffee breaks are no longer a solo affair. Which helps, those mindless chatters help. 

He makes sure to not indulge in gossip sprees. Seungmin had been a victim of that before and it's not a good feeling.

Technically, people still talk behind his back. Too good of a material to let go. But Seungmin hardly cares now. He has other things to focus on - his work, best friend, and guitar.

Music helps heal wounded minds.

Seungmin's acoustic guitar is out of the covers now. He tries to play it every evening just after his dinner. Outside, between the old weeds and the platform. One day he will drag his lawn chairs out, pluck out all the weeds and replant his strawberry bush. Felix had promised to help him do the same.

There are some days where he brings out his music sheets just to experiment with the chords and laps. Other days he has Jisung over to help him practice. The architecture intern had finally moved to Felix's place last month.

It's easier now actually. Being with Lix makes things way more simple. And I really don't mind the commute. We take turns dropping each other at their workplaces, if our schedules collide. Otherwise, cab works.

Compromises.

You make room for the one you love.

----------

You knew about Chan's wedding right? Why didn't…

Min, you were happy with Hyunjin. I couldn't do that to you.

Look, I don't know why you guys take me as someone who'd break easily. I'm NOT fragile. I got to know about the wedding from Minho, the fucking groom. Not my sister. Not my fucking best friend.

I told Ara not to tell you….

Great! Now she knows about Hyunjin too, I assume?

No, no, no. They don't know about anything with...Hyunjin

Okay.

You don't have to force yourself, you know. It always comes from within. And if you are sure of….things, don't keep people waiting. Love works on compromises, faith, patience….and honesty. Don't delay things, please Min.

I know what you mean…..but I can't be the one doing it. I'm not brave, Felix. How I wish I was. I let Chan go today, gave them both my blessings. When my love life is on fire….because of me.

Things will get better soon, okay.

Hmmm.

Come with me for a weekend? Jisung and mine's tickets are for July 10th, I'll fit in yours as well. Maybe Sydney will do wonders on you…

It did.

Seungmin had three days to break free from his own thoughts. To be on the shore, chasing seagulls, doing questionable things with Jisung and sand. Felix had been an amazing host, taking him to places - historical, fun, and memorable. 

They had visited Felix's family home in the suburbs, full of greens and beautiful houses. Two story, concrete mixed with fine woodwork. Open doors concept, French windows, vast outdoor space, barbeque setup on the patio, wooden floorwork. And warmth, lots of warmth.

Felix's childhood room is on the first floor with a Juliette balcony. Walls full of his completed works - some framed sketches, some print outs and a large canvas sitting besides the balcony floor. Fresh. In progress. It seems like Felix had continued his love for painting through his constant to and fro to Sydney. Something like a distraction.

He also had a hanging cork board on one side of his room. Felix is sentimental, likes collecting things. Just like Seungmin. This board had everything Seungmin expected Felix to keep and more. Their college photos, Jisung, lone birthday notes, old family pics, one of his favorite mini artworks, a prank ticket, some fake crests and a lonely paper fish Seungmin had gifted him years ago. 

The dinner had been a grand affair. Felix's dad had joined them for a bit on his wheelchair, face happier than ever. His mom had prepared all the local and korean favorites. Drinks, meals and desserts. There were calls for night stay which they all refused. They had an early morning flight to take.

Seungmin had left Sydney with a fresh mind and a determined soul.

He is going to live well. Do things he had left behind.

Seungmin is going to be a better version of himself.

-----------

Chan's wedding is an extravagant affair.

Purple and white peonies, matching curtains and a huge floor plan on a five star hotel.

There are hundreds of people here. Some known faces, most of them unknown. 

He is here with Felix and Jisung. And Ara. She had the invite too, initially reluctant to come. Seungmin had convinced her to join them. He couldn't have let her miss this, her best friend's wedding.

Chan and Ara. Two people who grew up together. Classmates, then friends, then best friends. Then in-laws to be. Then nothing. She had known things weren't so smooth with Chan and him. But she never meddled. Had taken Seungmin's side even, cutting ties with her best friend of years. He had never wanted this. It was between Chan and him, nobody had to sacrifice. 

Blood is thicker than water.

They had eventually reconciled some time after the breakup. It had been a bittersweet feeling. But Seungmin at least had someone to tell him if Chan was okay. Had he been eating? Resting well? 

So bittersweet.

Sweet because Chan did well. He was going to the hospital regularly, spending time at the gym, taking his greens and meat.

Bitter because he had fallen in love again. To the one he is currently at the altar with.

Chan and Minho.

Chan, the man of Seungmin's dreams, is marrying the man of his own dreams. Minho. His classic black tux and shining styled hair has nothing on the smile he is carrying. Blinding. And so so beautiful. 

Minho is at his right looking so ethereal. He is the type to turn heads. And he is doing the same right now in his burgundy coat and black dress pants.

They look perfect together.

Life is funny because he thought he had moved on from Chan. But the pain in his chest feels otherwise. He is happy, don't get him wrong. He is happy to see Chan happy. But who is going to tell that to his weak heart that is two seconds away from shattering. 

Seungmin is somehow glad he is alone right now.

Felix and Jisung are socializing somewhere. Ara is with Chan's mom. He had met her briefly, trying to dodge her sympathetic eyes. He knows this is fucked up. He is shameless to be at his Ex's wedding which he thought he had moved on from. But alas, life is cruel to him as he is to others. 

Karma.

He is out of the main hall when the vows start. Seungmin had been brave enough to endure this till now, he can choose not to see the vows. His vow to Chan is still in his closet, underneath his every stored memories with the man. Photographs, clothes, his jade ring, property papers, brochures, bills, orphanage listings. Everything.

The bar setup is almost empty at his hour. Most of the guests are inside, celebrating the reunion of two souls in love. He is here, in solace, running away from his feelings. How ironic.

He orders the strongest drink on the menu. Seungmin needs it now more than ever. He wants to forget himself. Forget this night ever happened.

Two drinks in and he feels everything moving. The drink is indeed strong. He loves it. The bar has started to fill in. Cool. Maybe he should interact. Hold someone. Do something. But before that he needs his tie out of the way. Damn, it's suffocating him. Who thought tie was a good deal with tux. Jail them.

Seungmin eyes the crowd for familiar faces. Nil. Good. There's someone staring at him. From the balcony area. Not two meters away from him. Wow, Seungmin likes how he is dressed up. A navy suit jacket over faded denims and a spicy undercut. A black stud on the left ear. Eyes that are lightly lined underneath a thick rimmed black frame. 

He looks hot. 

Seungmin wants him.

--------

They end up at a nearby hotel. The hot stranger and him, both impatient. And going back home would mean forty minutes of cab ride. Naah, he would rather have someone in him for that period.

Check in is easy. Seungmin is sober enough to pass on his card and age proof. They are ushered to the nearest elevator - room 1152. Fifth floor. 

The hot stranger is on him the moment the elevator shuts off. He tastes like vodka and orange juice, probably from the drink he had been nursing before. 

Ding .

He should have taken a room on the top of the building. Probably on the terrace. What is he even thinking?

They open up their assigned suite after some difficulty. This stranger had decided to slip the keys in his back pocket. And boy had that been a bad decision. It took them some fumbling and groping on Seungmin's part to get the card out. Man, he is in for a treat. That ass is plump as fuck.

Seungmin is out of his gray tux faster than he had put them on in the morning. Creasing be damned, he will pass them on to the dry cleaners later. This is more important. 

Hot guy is working on his tight jeans, trying to slide them off his legs. Seungmin decides to help him. The faster, the better.

Helping leads to a full on make out session. Their lips moving. Seungmin on top of the guy, grinding to meet his movements. The room is on fire.  Hot guy has his hands on Seungmin's hair, pulling them slightly, eliciting a moan from the latter.

It's hot, so damn hot.

Seungmin cannot get enough of this man.

He is impatient to hold it in. So he lets go.

-------------

Woof.

Seungmin sits with a start. His head spinning from the sudden movement. And from all the drinks he had yesterday.

Right.

10:35 AM.

The sun is strong enough to hurt his barely open eyes. He shouldn't have pulled the curtains out of his way today at least. But a habit is a habit.

Novie is hungry. Barking continuously.

Time to get up and tend his baby.

Seungmin works on an autopilot. To the kitchen. To the fridge. To Novie's part of the room. And back to the kitchen. He needs something stronger than green tea today. Something that would calm his throbbing nerves and body. He decides on a glass of warm milk.

It's work day. But Seungmin had already applied for a leave for today and tomorrow. He had thought of taking some time off to regain emotional stability. To recover from yesterday.

But all he feels is this stupid headache. And a sore bottom, but it's not that prominent.

His one night stand had been surprisingly considerate. He even had some condoms and lube on him. Like who comes to a wedding fully prepared to fuck. Okay, maybe normal people. 

People who aren't attached to one of the grooms like he was.

Hot guy was super hot and satisfying in bed. Seungmin isn't the one to do regular one night stands: he likes sex but not enough to jump on any bed. And it had been some time since his last action. So he didn't mind it either. It had been fun and thoroughly enjoyable. No strings attached. 

Seungmin didn't wait for the hot guy to wake up. He called a cab and was back home by 5 AM. Safer that way. He didn't get a name, but it's cool. Not that Seungmin is going to see him again. Ever.

The day goes by slowly. He is lounging on his couch, surfing through TV channels. Songs, drama, documentary. Novie is playing outside. It's late afternoon and they already had their lunches. Bean sprouts and grilled chicken breast for Seungmin, chicken and rice bits for Novie.

He picks his phone up from the center table. It had been vibrating for a while. Message strings maybe. There's no one who would call at this time. Maybe promotions.

Seungmin is surprised to see the name on his lock screen. Changbin. He has no memory of his last chat with the guy, it's been that long.

Changbin: Sup?

Changbin: Wow, you get 3/3

Changbin: Now I believe about your fit ass

Me: what are you even talking about lol

Changbin: Seriously?

Changbin: You don't remember?

Me: i had to remember something????

Me: are you high hahaha

Changbin: Did I really fuck a drunk man?

Changbin: I don't want to go to jail

Changbin: You were not that drunk tho???

Changbin: Seungmin...comeon

Wait a second.

He had fucked Changbin?

Fuck, when?

Oh.

Damn it!

Me: changbin, i had no idea it was you

Me: like i don't think i have ever seen your face

Changbin: Seriously?

Changbin: Kinda hard to believe

Me: sorry…

Changbin: It's so weird lol

Changbin: Nevermind

Changbin: I won the bet

Changbin: Now we've actually met in real life

Changbin: I should get a reward

Me: i dont want a repeat

Changbin: And Im not asking for it

Changbin: We can be penpals, sex pals? Whatever works for you

Changbin: No strings attached

Changbin: I need nothing else

Changbin: Maybe apart from your phone number?

Changbin: Man, we have had sex. We cant be Skyping lol

Me: the less you know the better

Changbin: It's not a no

Me: its not a yes either

Changbin: You win, you win

Changbin: Now, phone number?

Me: ok

Me: its xxxxxxxxxx

Changbin: Sweet!

Changbin: Your ass is sexy btw

Changbin: 10/10 would recommend

Me: fuck off

-------------

Seungmin did not plan this. 

Changbin is an anomaly in his usual routine life. No, falling in Changbin's bed is an anomaly. Seungmin is not the one for spontaneous adventures, he likes to maintain a log of activities. His thing with Changbin is anything but a part of his routine life.

Technically, he should have pre-decided days to fuck. Tuesdays and Thursdays preferably. Just after dinner. He has reports to submit on Fridays. Wednesdays are movie night with Felix. Grocery shopping on Saturdays. Sundays for Felix again. Mondays, well he needs Mondays to unwind from the intense socialization of the Sunday.

But no, Changbin just calls him whenever. And he obliges. Seungmin has no idea why. Maybe it's the butt. Definitely, it's the butt.

They usually communicate via text messages. An upgrade from Skype. Sad, because Seungmin can not quote him anymore.

This 'Friends with Benefits' rather 'Pseudo-strangers with Benefits' deal had come out after a lot of arguments and a signed Do's & Don'ts document. 

• They will only have sex in Changbin's apartment (Fine! But I'm not cleaning it for you)
• Consent is sexy (Important, Changbin. Consent is important)
• They will discuss kinks before executing them, no surprises (Boooring)
• Sharing personal stuff is out of question
• They will hang out once every month (Seungmin will pay | Hey, when did I agree to it!)
• These conditions can be tweaked/altered with time. Both parties need to be present

Seo Changbin is a fun guy. Laid back and super hot in bed. Weirdly, their wavelengths match. Seungmin could be as brutal as possible and the guy would have a retort for the same. Even their affinity towards dark humor matches. 

They don't know much about each other. Seungmin had disclosed very little even during the introduction. 

I graduated in something, but started working for something else altogether .

Am I getting answers for these 'somethings'? You sound like those primary school fill in the blanks questions .

Not elaborating, don't even ask.

Hmm...no worries. I like puzzles. You are a big one.

Changbin, in his words, is a master at fixing. Code, machines, people, you name it. His favorite hobby is solving Crossword puzzles and listening to history podcasts. Everything materialistic. The when and hows.

Seungmin is similar in that sense. Not the fixing part. But curiosity. He takes pride in being a history nerd. He had excelled in all of his History of Design and Fashion classes.

Seungmin is a mystery. Changbin likes resolving them.

Weird.

Their text exchanges are full of unintentional innuendos and jabs, a lot of them.

Changbin: If we were dating. I would totally dump you right about now 

Changbin: But I am bored

Me: its good that we arent lol

Changbin: But if we are to follow my trope. We should start dating. Then breakup. Then come back together. And then we break up and you steal my dog farm 

Me: last step looks appealing right now

Changbin: The whole thing is one package

Me: pump up your selling skills then

Changbin: I haven't even started selling

Me: but honestly, if thats something you are hell bent on. then im not the right person. dont waste your time

Changbin: Relax. I am not looking to date

Changbin: This is fine...this is good

=

Changbin: Can you make me coffee 

Changbin: latte

Changbin: Feeling sleepy

Me: coffee is out of order sir. you need to have premium subscription to avail

Changbin: You've changed since I met you.. your coffee used to be free 

Me: my coffee was never free. its exclusive

Changbin: Well i had a standing offer from you for it 

Me: 30 years down the line

Changbin: Cruel

=

Changbin: I am bored 

Changbin: Wanna fuck?

Me: found no one interesting to hang out with today?

Changbin: I am not a party animal or serial dater 

Changbin: Most days, I am just drinking water at home 

Me: at least have coffee, get it delivered home

Changbin: I should make my own right. Not order 

Me: if you can do that, theres nothing better than that

Changbin: I don't wanna be one of those people who even order tooth picks as a single order 

Me: plus, you were saying you were bored as if you spend your other days NOT drinking water at home soooo

Changbin: I am bored everyday 

Me: sad, sad

=

Changbin: Hi

After 2 hours

Me: Hi

Changbin: Ordered pizza, wanna come over?

Me: Be there in 25 minutes

Me: btw that was fast, were you waiting for my reply haha

Changbin: I just noticed the ping and replied

Changbin: don't grandiose yourself 

Me: oh really? i totally thought otherwise 

Changbin: Yes. I am secretly obsessed with you and wait for your pings

Me: damn, i could be a good prosecutor

Changbin: or maybe a dom?

Me: lol, someone said that to me years ago

Changbin: Should have taken it up

Me: vers is fine

Changbin: I do have a thing for both dominating and getting dominated

Me: umm, and by dominant i mean all walks of life. not just intimate stuff

Changbin: How exactly do you dominate all walks of life? 

Me: you can. from making decisions to everything else

Changbin: Hmm. I think I just like the intimate stuff. 

Me: yeah, i get you

Changbin: So you like dominating?

Me: not a preference. i like being babied too. but nobody does that lol

Me: i come out as very strong so people just assume. but generally i dont like being told what to do, i would listen well but i like things that drive me to be my own

Changbin: See if you come on as strong, then people are less likely to baby you. Only your boyfriend or close friends would do that 

Changbin: I like being babied a bit too btw. 

Changbin: I like you a bit more now 

Me: let me rephrase: i like being babied only sometimes

Changbin: Dear, you'll be a terrifying dad

Me: im a kid/pet magnet, believe it or not

Me: i can be soft if i want, with people that matter

Me: i dont see you falling under the second category so thirty years logic wont apply

Changbin: Where's soft seungmin with me :(

Changbin: it doesn’t matter

Changbin: Atleast be dominating or something

Me: it is funny if you think ill be soft with you lmao

Changbin: Why can't you be soft with me? 

Me: because thats not what im programmed to be with pseudo strangers

Changbin: Who's fault is that I stay as a pseudo stranger

Me: idk maybe the situation?

Me: btw im outside. open up 

=

Changbin: Wanna come with me to the library? 

Changbin: Looking for this book

Changbin: BTW I take pride in my nerdhood. Nerd is the new sexy 

Me: im a big nerd myself. so no judgements

Changbin: Tea nerd doesn't count ok 

Me: Nope. im a book nerd, knowledge hogger and people avoider

Me: with glasses, textbook nerd

Changbin: Ok

Changbin: You win

Changbin: Dress warm, its getting colder now

Changbin: Don't want you to die 

Me: aww, you care for me

Changbin: That's just a basic condition for not being a psycho. You should not want any normal person to die 

Me: aww shoot, thought you would be a sociopath

Changbin: If you're into that, I can role play that 

Changbin: Anything that makes you come over 

Me: really? exploring kinks, are we?

Changbin: Didn't we already discuss your dom kink?

Me: thats just the top layer haha

Changbin: I’m not saying anything explicitly

Me: you know i like subtle, hidden stuff soooo

Changbin: So technically that one works better

Me: feeling soft today, soo

Me: maybe ill be cute~

Changbin: Hmm. Give me a kiss emoji 

Me: not THAT soft

Changbin: Not really useful is it then

Me: awww, you like vanilla, babe?

Me: too bad im hot fudge

Changbin: You realize got fudge is basically chocolate on vanilla

Me: oh yes, who said i cannot be vanilla. i could morph when i want

Changbin: oooh, let’s check it today?

=

Changbin: You are so complicated 

Me: thought you like complicated stuff?

Changbin: I do. That's why we are talking no?

Me: oh im honored <3

Changbin: Yes. In your eulogy I'll show the snapshots of this chat

Changbin: And give my analysis of you 

Me: bold of you to assume i havent already started collecting the records

Me: and awww, such a sweet thing to say

Changbin: Yes. Tragic romanticism is my shtick 

Me: i hope i get to see the rough draft of that eulogy before final entry

Changbin: That's for you parents eyes only 

Me: Why? shouldnt that pass through me?

Me: like get a review, boss

Changbin: You look up from hell when I am delivering it

Me: so you think there is only hell or heaven? naah, ill go somewhere more neutral

Changbin: I believe we just all go to mud 

Changbin: I don't know what comes after death. But for my obsession, it needs to be more complex than heaven or hell

Me: i feel we disappear into nothingness

Changbin: Hmm, ill call you at night now. Got some machines to fix

Changbin: You'll get bored of me if we keep going so fast 

Me: oh, how you know me

Changbin: I told you I figure out complexity 

=

Changbin: Busy today?

Me: im tired

Changbin: A 5 min call shouldn’t wear you out

Me: youll be surprised

Changbin: Ok, let’s text

Changbin: I just might be more random in replying

Me: random is good. more human

Changbin: Why do I let you dictate all the time?

Changbin: Im sadistic too, then

Me: that sounds like a you problem

Changbin: But I don’t like handling gears all the time. Dilemma

Me: you are a walking contradiction

Changbin: And you're a blackhole. One way traffic and super mysterious

Me: haha, i wish i could split personalities with full on physical stuff. would have been much easier being mysterious 

Me: like i could murder people easily then

Changbin: Hmm. You even come across one. Is that you thing? Track people on tinder lure them in on skype, bcoz no one tracks that, and then kill them with the pretext of making out 

Me: can we kill people over text???  is tech that advanced?

Changbin: But, you could kill me later? 

Changbin: I’ll wear protection

Changbin: lol

Me: lame 

= 

Me: why cant we do random texts?

Me: without it leading to something else

Changbin: Because I like to fix messes 

Me: bold of you to assume i would let you fix /my/ mess

Changbin: You have to know that's a joke 

Changbin: But you're still arguing me on it 

Me: im just indulging your joke

Changbin: You just like to argue i have to assume 

Changbin: Which explains a lot

Me: oh that was an argument?

Me: you should now know that i dont spend my energy just like that

Me: so haha, thats not an argument

Changbin: Hmm. Its a good thing we are not going further. One of us would murder the other 

Changbin: It would probably be me 

Me: i would probably murder you

Me: need to start covering my tracks

Changbin: I'll name you in my will as the killer 

Changbin: Just to fuck with you

Me: awww i need to hire someone else to get their hands dirty

Me: i look pretty innocent so i m safe

Changbin: That still leaves a trail 

Changbin: Don’t you watch crime shows?

Me: ill be swift shhhhhhh

Me: i read crime thrillers a lot

Changbin: Hmm. Bye babe 

Me: murders and gore is my thing

Changbin: I’m going

Me: <3

Changbin: Is that a heart? 

Me: your heart

Changbin: Which symbolizes? 

Me: where ill get you stabbed

Changbin: ….

Me: GOD i wish noone reads through our convo. we sound insane haha

Changbin: Hmm. We are like the weird anonymous texter you hear about 

Me: your reddit partners

Changbin: Hmm bye babe 

Me: those are shackles

Changbin: Your heart?

Me: nope, you staying even after saying bye twice

Me: you are caught mister

Changbin: whatever helps you sleep my dear

Me: i dont think about you in sleep first of all. I had no idea what you looked like till three months ago

Changbin: How is that possible even?

Changbin: I had a Tinder profile with more than 6 pics

Me: no, believe it or not

Changbin: At least now you know what I look like, and you love it

Me: you are mistaken

Changbin: Oh, this is not what you said just yesterday

Changbin: When I was holding you against the wall

Me: SHUT

------------

"Move over, you are hurting my arms."

"Mhh. Two minutes."

"Not even one second. Move or I'll push you out of the bed."

Two seconds and Changbin goes flying off to the foot of the bed, dragging the heavy blanket with him. 

"Man, you are sweet only when we're fucking. Demon."

"You asked for it."

Seungmin walks to the attached bathroom butt naked. Who cares. He has his toiletry bag with him for overnight stay. With the toothpaste. He needs his herbal toothpaste, not the weird Jello-O one Changbin uses.

"Have mercy, Milord. I'm so spent. If I knew topping would make you this powerful, I'd have never let you do so."

"I'm powerful either way, babe."

"Not fair."

"Do yoga and you'll know."

Changbin is curled up on the floor, clearly spent. He looks kind of vulnerable. Cute. Total 180 from day-Changbin who is hot and full of snarks. He had fucked him good then. Seungmin deserves a pat on the pack.

It's just over 9:30 AM on a Saturday. He needs to leave now if he wants to be on time for grocery shopping. Luckily, Changbin's place is only twenty minutes from his home. 

Seungmin has showered and is into his yesterday's clothes by the time Changbin finally wakes up. The only item he has on is a pair of fresh boxers. Seungmin should have asked for underpants or boxers too, it's weird going commando under his jeans. Plus all the chafing he is going to experience later. But asking that would be personal. Intimate. Seungmin is not going to be personal with Changbin.

"I'll whip some sausage and eggs. Wanna stay?"

"No, thanks."

"Good, more for me then."

And then he is off to his bathroom. Cue for Seungmin to leave. 

Detached. Only pleasure. 

No morning afters or care.

Just what Seungmin wants.

----------

It's strange how much you can miss someone after you lose them. 

Like Chan. 

It had been an everyday thing. Their fights. Chan had mostly agreed with Seungmin's demands, but it couldn't go on forever. Everyone reaches their limits. Chan's limit had been Seungmin's hesitation with adoption. The only thing Chan ever wanted, and one of the many things Seungmin couldn't give to him.

Like Hyunjin.

Sweet Hyunjin who had only asked for his love to be reciprocated. Who loves love, romance, and needs affection to function. Hyunjin who is not afraid of giving, forgiving. Who is out of place most of the time, with a job he hates, people who judge him. Spontaneous, Who tries to do things just to spite his family, colors his hair every other month. Hyunjin who Seungmin had always wanted to keep in his life. Hyunjin, who is still okay being friends with him.

So Seungmin messages him. Never the one to initiate, but Hyunjin deserves it. 

Me: hey

Me: how are you jin?

Hyunjin, ever the speed texter, replies within seconds.

Hyunjin: Hi!

Hyunjin: Long time

Hyunjin: Been good, work sucks but whats new lol

Me: haha

Me: wanna join felix and i on sunday? my place?

Me: bbq

Hyunjin: Sure, why not!

-----------

Seungmin isn't the one to organize get-togethers. He has only a handful of people he interacts with out of work. And socializing wears him off.

But when Felix suggests a Korean BBQ night, he has no heart to say no to him. They decide on an outdoor one, Seungmin volunteering to host this one. His best friend needs it. And Seungmin will do anything for Felix. Especially when it's his best friend's birthday.

The set-up is easier when planned ahead. 

Seungmin's party planning skills might not be top notch, but he is good at listing out requirements and assembling things on time. Exactly a day before the planned date. 

He gets extra paper plates and reusable chopsticks just in case. The meat assortment is picked from the city, only the best with marbling and the right amount of fat. Greens come from the local vegetable vendor. Self heating rice boxes would do for the compulsory rice fix. He had even prepared some kimchi two nights before; Seungmin could buy them but handmade stuff is tastier. 

Jisung willingly assists him in assembling the rented barbeque stand. He mows the courtyard on Saturday, taking out all the weeds. Seungmin had paid a visit to the city nursery for strawberry and mulberry seedlings the previous weekend. They are to be delivered tomorrow. 

Felix's neighbors had gladly accepted to sit Jams and Novie. The pups like playing with their Yorkshire Titli and would be content around the family.

"I'll get Hyung-ah from the kitchen."

"Okay Sungie, thanks for your help."

"It's cool."

Seungmin has over twenty people in his courtyard by evening. It's not even 6 PM in late February and the sky is already dark. He likes how his tiny home is shining under the fairy lights Jisung and he had out together.

Beautiful.

Felix is getting the soju bottles from the carton. They had put some rented benches and chairs for guests. Among the crowd they had Felix's co-workers, some of their college friends, Jisung's best friends and Hyunjin.

Hyunjin who is here with a girl. His friend.

This girl, Maeri, is young. Around Jisung's age. They had met at some fast food restaurant, forced to share a table due to the unexpected crowd. But clicked instantly. Not an awkward bone in their bodies. Hyunjin says he had liked how open she was, not judgemental. She had even complimented Hyunjin's hair color.

"You don't meet turquoise haired strangers everyday. Strangers who don't care whose drink they are hogging."

"Hey! It was by mistake. Not my fault you like Frappuccino too."

"Yeah, but my Frappe had 'MERRY' written. In. Bold."

"I got you a new one okay, will you drop it now?"

"Nope!"

"You are insufferable."

"And you are fun to tease."

Seungmin decides he likes Maeri. Or Merry as she had emphasized on. She's chill, currently challenging one of Felix's friends to an arm wrestling match. She is tiny with an athletic body, who could and would deck anyone if she feels like. Hyunjin looks so happy in her company. Seungmin is glad his sunshine has someone to be with.

Jisung comes out with Felix's cake just after 8 PM. Simple with fresh fruits. Just like how his best friend likes.

The cake cutting is full of rejoices and cheers. Felix is shining under all the fairy lights. Especially with the little crown his boyfriend had placed on him. They share a swift kiss and Seungmin busies himself with the cake knife. It should be enough for the twenty five of them, he just needs to cut them in medium size cubes.

Vibration.

Changbin: Sup?

Changbin: Wanna come over?

This is his first message after three weeks of zero contact. 

Me: hey

Me: ill have to pass

Me: in the middle of something

Me: tuesday?

Changbin: Cool, I'll be available after 7 tho

Me: works

Changbin: Be a baby and get your flavored lube

Changbin: Loved the strawberry one

bgo buy your own

Changbin: That shit is expensive

Changbin: Please..I'm sex deprived rn

Changbin: Will do you good, promise

Me: lol okay

Me: lets see if you can keep your promise

Changbin: You know I will babe

"Who are you texting?"

Felix. Shit. 

Seungmin had purposefully kept his arrangement with Changbin from his best friend. The blond is not aware of Changbin's existence even. 

The less he knows, the better. 

This 'arrangement' is not permanent anyway. They had decided to quit if one of them got bored of it or fell in love with someone. 

Seungmin feels bad about hiding Changbin like this, but they were nothing more than fuck-buddies. If Changbin considered him as a 'buddy' that is.

"Just someone from office. You tell me, you liked your special night?"

"Everyday is special for me Min. I have you and Sung in my life."

Seungmin drops a quick peck on Felix's rosy cheeks, suddenly overwhelmed. Felix trusts him so much. Loves him so much.

"Happy birthday. I love you."

Felix giggles, voice high from all the soju he had consumed today.

"I love you too, Minnie boo."

"Idiot."

---------

Months pass just like that.

And soon it's summer again. Hotter than ever.

Felix is in Sydney with Jisung and has been there for a while. His step dad had passed away two weeks ago. Seungmin had attended the funeral with Hyunjin and Merry. 

And Chan. 

Felix had always looked up to the older, like a sibling the blond never had. And Chan had played the part perfectly. Caring for his best friend, taking care of the funeral process and after party. Seungmin had been glad for Chan's presence.

They had little to no interactions. Just small talks and Seungmin helping him with arrangements and other things. But there had been no awkwardness either. 

Which is okay. Seungmin's heart ached less now. He would have claimed he had moved on completely, but a portion of Seungmin still longed for Chan's affection and love. And it will stay like that forever. 

Familiarity. 

Even after years Chan knows him the best. He knows not to crowd Seungmin when he is anxious. Chan knows he is allergic to peanuts even when he shouts otherwise. He knows Seungmin had been uncomfortable staying at Felix's family home but could not leave his best friend alone. He knows Seungmin is hiding something from Felix. 

Chan knows Seungmin will never initiate a conversation with him.

So Chan's message comes as no surprise to him.

Channie: Hey Seungmin

Channie: Are you back safe?

Me: hi chan

Me: yeah, it was okay

Me: what about you?

Channie: Good good.

Channie: Seungmin, are you feeling okay though?

Channie: I know it was hard on you as well.

Chan cares. He has always cared. Even after their breakup. Ara had shared this with him. 

Me: lix needed us

Me: i'll be okay

Channie: Sorry haven't been able to keep in touch. But if you need me for anything, just call.

Me: i will, thank you

-------------

Changbin and him keep up with their secret meetings as days come. 

They go on their planned monthly hangouts. At first it's cafes and restaurants, then they take it up to smaller trips outside of Seoul, in Gyeonggi-do. A historical weekend trip to Suwon, half a day spent at Grand Park. Water parks and archaeology villages. 

Seungmin loves these mini tours. They take him away from his work stress and he gets to learn more from the places they visit. Changbin is a fun company, they don't need to speak much. He even tolerates Seungmin's kid in a candy store excitement.

Bonus. They are free to be as loud as they want in bed.

They are going on a roadtrip to Tongyeong-si. A four hour ride to heaven, in solace. 

Seungmin hops into Changbin's dusted red Nissan Rocsta, throwing his duffle bag into the back of the jeep. 

The sun is bright in the sky despite it being just over 7 AM. It's a hot day in early June, perfect for beach time. Seungmin had packed light, just a couple of beach shorts, tank tops and Hawaiian shirts with loafers and a pair of slippers. And sunscreen, the strongest of its kind. While tan might look great on him, he would rather avoid sunburns, thank you very much. 

Seungmin slides his aviators up, reaching out to plug his iphone to the bluetooth speaker. 

"None would do babe. My car, my songs."

"Fair. But play one Metallica and I'm out of this ride. Have fun at the beach with yourself."

Changbin is laughing fully now. He reaches out to mess Seungmin's mop of dark hair.

"Don't touch."

"Aw, you are adorable."

"And you are starting the jeep. Now."

They spend minutes without speaking much. Changbin's next-gen speaker bursting out soft, travel songs. He hadn't expected Changbin to be a romantic, by miles. Seungmin knows the guy is older, did not like to be in relationships. But love. Changbin didn't seem like a guy who would willingly give himself to someone. Or maybe it's just with Seungmin. 

Baby baby, you're caramel macchiato

Still, near my lips, your scent is sweet

Baby bay, tonight

Baby baby, you're more than the seceny of cafe latte

Do you remember this feeling, this comfort

Baby, baby, tonight

Changbin is humming along with the lyrics. Cafe Latte by Urban Zakapa, one of Seungmin's playlist. 

He sneaks a glance at the man driving. Changbin seems content, lost in the mood. One hand on the wheel, the other angled near the gear. Relaxed. His curly hair looks freshly washed. Black ring on right earlobe. Round rimless glasses that suit his face so much. A white oversized shirt paired with a dark undershirt and some dark pants. 

Changbin looks effortlessly handsome.

"I never took you to be a romantic."

"I can be whatever you want me to be, baby."

"But not a romantic."

"I can see you rolling your eyes."

"You cannot, technically. My glasses, you know."

"Details, details. By the way. Are you trying to seduce me?"

"What? When did I?"

Changbin looks down at Seungmin's lap.

"Your shorts. They are riding up, babe."

"You get riled up over nothing. Pervert."

"I am a pervert? Remind me who has the weirdest kinks here?"

"Details, details."

"Serious talk. I have yet to strike off car sex from my to-do list."

"Found no one to meet your bucket list?"

"I see the opportunity and I seize it. Anyway, you up?"

"Alright, pull over when you see anything workable. At least this jeep has a higher roof space."

"My! You have tried it?"

"I don't sleep around, if you are going that way. Just my…..It's been years so."

"One day you're gonna tell me all your secrets. And then I'll take revenge."

"Yeah, yeah. Now, let me play a couple songs?"

I'm happy as the sun, lighter than a feather

Walking on the clouds when we are together

Everyday with you just keeps getting better

The world's as it should be, when you are here

----------

Tongyeong beach is beautiful. 

Blue waves and white sand. Well kept, even amidst the tourist attraction it is. Especially when you walk to the end of the land where people hardly explore. Untouched spaces and a lone fish net setup. Little mountainous at the edge covered with green palms. Forgotten lighthouse. 

Seungmin loves beaches. The calmness and the salty winds. The sound of waves passing the shore, midnight or bright in the day. He could sit for hours in here, company or no company. 

He is not alone right now.

Changbin and him had changed at their beachside hotel room. The suite looked like it's only covered by honeymoon couples. They are neither on honeymoon, nor a couple. The freebies are appreciated nonetheless.

Damn, that's a pricey champagne bottle. I don't mind being your husband if we can get more of these.

Shut up, Changbin.

Currently, his 'husband' of two nights is in the water, playing with his new friends. His sopping wet hair lays flat on his face as he splashes water on a giggling little girl. Two other boys are behind Changbin, clearly planning to dunk the grown man under the waves.

Seungmin is by the shore on a slant beach bench. He had stayed in the resting place, taking his sweet time to lather himself with the sunscreen. Head safe under an umbrella. Slippers under the bench. All their personal belongings back at the hotel.

"Seungmin, run run."

"Coming, two minutes."

It feels liberating. Mind flush of any thoughts. Just water, summer skies. 

And Changbin. 

Forty five minutes of play and Seungmin is already tired out of his wits. He drags a whining Changbin back to the bench. Treading slowly, careful of the sand underneath their bare feet. 

"Are you sure you are only 26? You behave like an old man."

"I told you I'm 60. And a murderer."

"Eight months and you are yet to kill me, mister."

"Maybe I'll kill you today. Sleep with your eyes open."

"Good, I was not planning to sleep at all."

Changbin's voice suddenly drops several octaves. Sultry.

"Keep your hands to yourself. We are in the public."

"Then let's go be private somewhere, hmm?"

Changbin is an anomaly in Seungmin's calculated life. A raging storm set to blow him piece by piece. Taking his thoughts away from him. Together, they are a pair who lives in the moment, away from the complexities of everything. 

With Changbin, Seungmin is not afraid to let loose. Be carefree, daring and alive. To take risks. To hide away from the prying eyes. To be himself.

If he had to hide his safe space from everyone, he would do so without a second thought. Like how Seungmin had been hiding Changbin. From Felix, from Jisung, from Ara. From the world. 

Nobody has to know. 

This is Seungmin's happiness. Only his.

---------

The night market near Tongyeong beach is an essential to get through, according to Trip Advisor. Seungmin is not going to pass any chance to explore local artifacts. No way.

But Changbin is reluctant.

"I'm tired, what?"

"Come with? I'll buy you food."

"I would rather make out."

"Come on, we have been doing that all afternoon."

"What's with your obsession with markets. Everywhere we go, you have to buy stuff."

"I like them! Okay, you have five minutes to get ready. I'll be waiting in the lobby. Five minutes or I'll go on my own."

Changbin is down in three.

"Good boy."

"I have a praise kink, not you."

"Yeah, sure. Thanks though! I'll buy you whatever you want."

"Watch me order the most expensive food in this market."

"Cool."

"Nevermind. Mister ‘I have a huge bank balance’."

"I never said I was rich."

"But your mannerisms. The stick you've up your ass. All point up towards that."

"You are assuming things, mister I fix things."

"And I'm right! Now chop chop, gotta look for the best thing."

The bazaar is as beautiful as described on the local itinerary. Small stalls, colorful displays, vendors and tourists zooming in and out. Seungmin takes a couple of pictures for memory.

Changbin, as promised, is already at the food area. Exploring carts and stuff on the display. Fresh seafood, a variety of local delicacies. Seungmin spots the oyster pancake stall. He has to try that. And honey bread, Tongyeong's kkulbbang is pretty famous. But later. For now he has trinkets and fabrics he needs to tread through.

"How much is this for?"

"Eight thousand won each, gentleman. Fifteen if you buy two. Best deal."

"Oh, I'll take this one. Pink. And can you show me that black one?"

"Sure."

Twenty minutes and Seungmin joins Changbin near the food stalls. The guy had been simply sitting at one of the empty tables. No food in sight.

"What happened? You were going to order something.."

"Umm. But waiting for you was better."

Butterflies. The warmth that spreads inside Seungmin is unexplainable.

They order a plate of oyster pancakes, some bibimbap with local seafood and two helpings of Kkulbbang. Seungmin even gets some for home and Felix. His best friend loves sweet things.

"Coconut water?"

"I just need a beer to wash all this junk down."

"It's healthier than your latte."

"Yeah, yeah."

"Wait, what did you get from there? So many packages.."

"Some souvenirs and tidbits. I got something for you too."

"Oh, I love gifts. Are you getting soft, Kim Seungmin?"

"No, it was cheaper to buy two."

"So….couple stuff. Show me, show me."

"It's just a shirt, what are you so excited about?"

"Correction. It's a couple shirt."

He has couple shirts.  With Seo Changbin. 

Seungmin has purchased couple shirts, unconsciously. 

What the fuck.

He spends the rest of the time at Tongyeong being hyper aware of Changbin's presence. Even the sex feels more indulgent now. The way Changbin goes down on him, one hand holding his. The thrusts are slower than before. More time in foreplay, more kisses, more attention to others pleasure. 

Seungmin is definitely over thinking things. Changbin seems no different than before, or maybe he has been like this for a long time and only now has Seungmin realized this. Or everything is the same and Seungmin deserves to jump off a cliff for his astray thoughts. 

There is so much Seungmin shouldn't be doing. Like lying to his best friend about a 'supposed' office trip every other month. Or blocking his dad's phone number. Or skipping his grocery time frequently now.

Or having feelings for this pseudo stranger. Someone he practically knows nothing about.

What is Seungmin doing?

Monday morning arrives quicker than ever. The end of their two night trip. 

They hit the road later than expected. It's okay, Seungmin will take one day off his casual leaves. He is tired to take up calls and socialize anyway. Changbin seems pretty unbothered by the shift in time. In fact, he had taken the longest to dress-up. Plus all the extra hours he had spent minutes eating through the hotel's breakfast buffet. 

Seungmin has no space to complain either. He could have spent another day in Changbin's company, if it had been possible. Crazy.

Changbin lets Seungmin take the wheel on their way back to Seoul. They even push the windows down, letting the natural winds get inside. The sky had been a bit cloudy today. Not very hot and definitely worth turning off the A.C. The only downside is that they won't be able to play songs now, unless they want nearby cars to hear them.

But that's not needed. Because Changbin is singing. Softly at first, voice lost in the gusting winds. Then a bit louder.

About not too long ago, I woke up feeling kind of blue

Picked up my phone and I decided that I hit up you 

We talked for a little while, ask me if I could roll through 

Met up, got food, and we spent time till the night was through

Call you my own, and can I call you my lover

Call you my one and only /boy/

Call you my everything, call you my baby

The emphasis on 'boy' has Seungmin laughing.

"You are not too bad."

"Hmm?"

"The song. You are not a bad singer."

"And you are good?"

"I have been told so."

"Mmh, then join me?"

"Okay."

It feels so weird. Like college goers singing their hearts out on an impulsive trip. Like two friends jamming together. Like two hearts singing at one tune. 

But Seungmin likes this feeling.

He feels like he is floating in the air, eyes closed. There is a soft breeze holding him close. He tastes vanilla and spice. And something equally delightful.

Seungmin is so at peace he almost misses the ending line.

"You're the only one who runs my world. Kim Seungmin."

Seungmin turns his head so quickly he almost gets a whiplash. What's this game?

"Kidding, kidding!"

"I don't believe you sometimes."

"Then don't haha."

And soon enough they reach Changbin's apartment in the city. A modest one bedroom but in a good part of Seoul. This time Seungmin refuses to stay, he needs to stock his grocery anyway.

"I'll ping you when I can."

"I had fun."

"Me too."

Seungmin reaches across the gear to peck Changbin on his lips surprising even himself.

Kissing is not out of bounds in their relationship. They do kiss a lot. But most of it is limited to bedroom, or while having sex. It's the first when they have kissed in public. But why is Seungmin not embarrassed? 

And why the hell is Changbin giggling.

"Ow, I did not expect that. I welcome it though. With full arms. Or lips."

"Don't get used to it."

And then he is out of the door. Heart giddy and lips tingling. Wow, he is really falling. And falling hard.

----------

The days go by as normally as they could amidst Seungmin's growing feelings. Changbin's every message, every call, every touch has him on fire.

And this is why his silence is worrying him.

Honestly, this is not the first time Changbin had disappeared like that. Well, not exactly disappearance because he could be at his apartment for all Seungmin knows. But going radio silence on chats or calls is something Changbin does very often. 

It did not bother him at first, because he had nothing with the older guy. Pure physical relationship.

Things are different now. At least at Seungmin's end.

Changbin, for what he knows, is not looking for relationships. Not crafted for feelings - he had once shared. He likes to sleep around. Get his physical needs out of the way.

Is Changbin sleeping around even with Seungmin's presence?

They had never discussed this actually. Exclusive ‘friends with benefits’ thing. They were allowed to meet and fuck other people. They could quit willingly anytime or when they seriously start seeing someone.

Seungmin hopes that's not the case.

But feelings are something really complicated. Seungmin is never the one to fall quickly. Or for crushes. 

He has had a total of five crushes in his twenty six years of life, including Chan. And only two of them were reciprocated. Mostly because Seungmin never initiates. All his relationships and flings had been initiated by the other party. He is too caught up in his mind to actually reach out to someone. In school, in college, at work. 

And now with Changbin.

He has no idea if Changbin even likes him back. Or if it's strictly physical. The man is mostly casual with him. Their banters have been the same since their first contact. Only the sexting is new. But overall the guy is damn hard to read.

Unlike Seungmin.

He is afraid Changbin has already sensed the shift in mood. The way he tried to hold him a little longer, kiss a little softer, love a little harder. Kim Seungmin is not transparent, but he gets mushier when he has a crush. A little softer on the edges. Not very difficult to spot.

And the first person to voice out this change is not Changbin. Thankfully.

It's Minho.

Kim Seungmin of three years ago would have hated the guy. Would have refused all contacts with him. 

But this Kim Seungmin is different. 

This Seungmin had actually accepted Chan's dinner invite. A dinner with Chan and Minho at their place. 

The apartment is gorgeous. A penthouse of sorts. Two floors and a wide living space. A place that must have cost them millions of won. But it looks lived. Not like those empty white decor spaces they sell out on YouTube. There are rugs thrown on the couch. The kitchen looks well used - Minho's magic for sure, Chan had been a nightmare. There are photo frames and paintings all over the place. 

Very homely. Very personal.

Seungmin had offered to help Minho out in the kitchen. He had prepared lots of side dishes and meat dishes. He even had some wine to go with everything.

"You look very...giddy. Different than before, if I must say."

"What.."

"Oh, I did not mean to probe."

"No, no. I'm just surprised."

"So, I'm right."

A statement. Minho is not ordering him to share. He is not even curious. He is just stating what he had observed. 

Minho and him share a strange relationship. Peculiar even. He is technically Seungmin's Ex's current husband. They should have been hating each other. Technically. 

But Minho is nothing like what they depict in dramas. He is a chill and friendly guy. Not really afraid to speak his mind, but not the one to demand things either. A rock. Someone Chan deserves to have in life. 

So he tells him.

"Yeah, actually it's more than that."

Minho sets his ladle aside and turns his full attention on him. Encouraging him to go on.

"There's this guy…….like we are not dating or anything. We just have this engagement going on. For months. Nothing emotional. But now….now I feel something different. I'm getting hyper aware of his presence and I'm crazy, right?"

"Nah, you like him. Nothing crazy about that."

"That's the crazy part actually. We had decided no feelings. Now I broke my own rule. I don't even know if he likes me back."

"You asked him?"

"No, I did not. Like how can I? It's all messed up."

"You cannot just assume things, Seungmin. You have to ask."

"What if it goes wrong?"

"Then it does. Hey, lighten up. If you don't ask you might even regret not doing this."

"Oh."

"I'm here okay. Reach out whenever."

"Thank you, Minho."

"Come on. Let's get our dinner out!"

-----------

Changbin's absence has extended to a month now. 

It's early fall and the man is nowhere still. Seungmin is half tempted to check his apartment even. But that would be too intrusive.

He spends his time working as hard as he can. Taking up extra hours, working weekends even. Anything to keep him distracted.

Felix had asked him about it. His agitation and stressed look. Work he had supplied, an easy and acceptable answer. His best friend had been an absolute angel even with that, getting him hot food and even assisting with Novie. 

Seungmin feels absolutely miserable. He had been hiding things from the person who cares about him the most. He would tell him. Hopefully soon. Felix would understand, he knows. But it's still scary to unravel the things he has been going through. 

Seungmin is lounging on his bed, going in and out of sleep when he receives it. A text message from Changbin.

His mind goes into full alert, conjuring tens of scenarios. Good, bad and beautiful.

Changbin: Hey!

Changbin: Wanna come by?

Me: hi

Me: right now?

Changbin: Yeah...if thats okay

Me: give me 30 minutes

Changbin's place is twenty minutes away on a regular day. But it's nearing midnight on a work night. The roads are deserted, save for a vehicle or two. He reaches there at fifteen.

Seungmin is panting by the time he reaches Changbin's door. He has no idea why he had rushed. The man was at his place, judging by the lights in his living space. And he is.

"Whoa, are you that excited to see me?"

"Shut up and kiss me."

And they kiss. Lips on lips. Hands everywhere. Seungmin kisses like he has a lot to lose. Maybe he has. It's urgent yet soft. Bold yet quiet. Seungmin feels dizzy.

And Changbin breaks the kiss. Seungmin is clearly hazed to chase after his lips. Mind a mess, heart on fire.

"I would love to kiss you more, but I have a disaster to take care of."

And only then Seungmin smells it. Something is burning. Oh. He is not able to hold the laughter that erupts of his mouth.

Changbin is already at the scene. Burnt pan in one hand, a spoon in another. He quickly scraps off the remains of the omlette. Judging by the smell in the air.

"Having fun there?"

"It's hilarious."

"You burnt off my omelette. What am I supposed to eat now?"

"Make another?"

"I only had like three eggs."

"Hmm… do you have meat?"

"Yeah, some store bought beef."

"Okay, I'll make you some stew. Veggies?"

"Oh, wow. You cook?"

"I live alone."

"So do I. But the only thing I can make perfectly is eggs. Until now...my poor eggs."

"Idiot. Let me make you a proper meal. You clearly have too much junk in your system."

"Hey!"

They work together in Changbin's tiny kitchen. Seungmin, clearly unfamiliar with where things were, had asked for the man's assistance. It's so domestic.

It takes Seungmin around one hour to prepare everything - beef stew, corn salad and some matcha shake. No tea, Changbin had none at his place. 

The late dinner is placed carefully on the dinner table in the living space. A tiny table for two. Changbin's apartment was pretty but a little tight on space - a typical Seoul flat that has everything under five hundred square meters. 

The entryway had a closet on the left and the kitchen on the right. Then his living space with a two seater couch and a coffee table pushed on the side. The T.V. is a smaller size, definitely matching the cosy set up. Bedroom door is on the right of the entertainment unit. No work station in sight. Looks like Changbin's job isn't around computers at least.

The sleeping space is equally tight, a queen size pushed at the back near the windows and in-suite and closet space directly opposite to it. Seungmin knows this room well, they had spent the majority of their time together on Changbin's bed.

Changbin is slurping on the stew impatiently. He is clearly hungry. It's more than a late night snack for the man. Seungmin has had his dinner already. Quick soup. He avoids eating anything after 8 PM if he can.

"You actually cook well. You should have told me so. I feel cheated."

"You never asked. Only about latte which I clearly don't like."

"Tea guy, I know I know."

"Mmm..I have packed some in Tupperware. Don't forget to put that in the fridge."

"Yes, Mom."

Seungmin rolls his eyes. 

"You did not message me for a whole month."

"Right. I was busy."

"Busy with what?"

"Look, just because I called you Mom doesn't mean you can ask me such questions."

"I was just asking."

The domestic environment vanishes with a pop. Changbin looks annoyed. Seungmin is equally agitated. Why can't he ask questions now?

"'Because you have no right to do so. We are nothing but fuck buddies. Get that through your skull. You are NOT my boyfriend. You would NEVER be."

Changbin is no longer annoyed. He is angry. Very angry.

And Seungmin is lost.

He is out of the door in minutes. Everything be damned. Screw the feelings.

Seungmin steers his car out of Changbin's place only to park it two streets away. It is 2 AM, he should not be driving in this state. Eyes stuffy and heart heavy. He is not crying. He has no right to cry over a man who isn't even his.

He is a fool.

Seungmin whips out his phone to hit the dial. Mind hazy.

Five full rings and a sleepy man answers him.

"Hello."

"Felix…."

"Seungmin...what's wrong?"

"Lix, can I come to your place? Please."

"Of course, why are you even asking?"

Then muffled voices.

"Do I need to pick you up from somewhere? "

"Yes, please."

"Okay, send me your location. Jisung and I will get you and your car."

Seungmin does as asked.

"Be there in thirty. Stay there."

"I love you."

" I love you too."

--------

Home.

For some people it is brick and walls. For some it's the memories spent with someone special. The familiar taste of grandmother's cooking. Fresh air of the fields. 

Home is familiarity.

Home is that warm touch that one would want to feel after a hard day at work.

For Seungmin, home is Felix.

His Felix who smiles so bright at each of his achievements, holds him through frights. Someone whom he meets more than his own parents. Felix who had been his shield at college, pushing away any potential harm that came his way. Felix who always thinks about him. The only person who cares so deeply.

Seungmin had been so silly to fear his judgement.

"I'm so sorry for hiding this from you, Lix. I just….I don't know why I did that."

"Shh...don't cry. I understand. Your happiness is more important."

"Lix no…...I went behind your back."

"No, idiot. You are free to meet people okay. I'm proud of you."

"But it did not……"

"Shh...we'll talk tomorrow. Now sleep."

And so he does. Curled up against his best friend, soaking in his warmth. Seungmin did not deserve Felix. 

His body clock wakes him not even four hours later. It's just after 7 AM but he can hear murmurs and rustling of pots and pans. The bed is empty too  -  Seungmin remembers going to sleep sandwiched between Felix and Jisung. His best friend holding him and his boyfriend soothing his back slowly. 

Seungmin jumps out of the bed and directly into the attached bathroom. His t-shirt is creased, face swollen. Seungmin looks as if he is grieving. Maybe he is. 

He does the bare minimum. Washing his face and feet. He will brush his teeth at home. They had plugged his phone to charge, bless them. It had been close to dying.

"Oh, you are up."

"Yeah. Thank you...for everything Jisung. I'm sorry you had to see that."

"We are friends, hyung. If I can soothe you, I will. Without a doubt."

"Mmmh, Jisung, I have not been a good friend. At all. Felix won't say this. But I know. I should have told you guys about him….. Changbin."

"We understand. Felix told me so. He is not angry. Just….he feels a bit insecure that you thought we will judge you. You know he will never."

"I know...I don't know what I was thinking."

"Do you really like him?"

"Maybe….but it doesn't matter anymore. This was nothing but an arrangement for him. I was stupid."

"No, you cannot control your feelings, hyung. He might have been special for you to feel like that, actually."

"Yeah he is. Maybe I crossed my boundaries. Because this stupid me wanted no connections. No strings attached. And then it was me falling this hard. I don't even know much about him."

"Love is complicated, hyung. Nobody knows that better than you."

-----------

Changbin disappears again for days. No calls, no texts, no apologies.

Seungmin is not surprised. It's just an arrangement, he has no right to be disappointed. Changbin doesn't feel the same, it's okay. 

Then why is he hurting this much?

Why is he not able to hate the man?

But Seungmin wants to check on him, if he were to be honest. Changbin had been irrationally angry at him. The mood had switched so drastically - from domestic to them shouting at each other. Maybe something had happened. 

The rational side of Seungmin wants to logically gauge the situation. The irrational one just wants to block Changbin off his contacts. And life.

Minho is very helpful in keeping him rational.

Me: i don't know minho, it seemed unnatural of him

Me: i know him only for 8-9 months, but at most he is flippant. not angry. never this angry

Minho: u tried to call him?

Me: no

Me: i dont call actually

Me: he initiates, most of the time

Minho: oh. then why dont you initiate this time?

Me: what if it fuels him further?

Me: i will be probing

Minho: lemme ask you this

Minho: was there any time you thought he might like you back?

Minho: like any moment, any change in mood?

Me: actually yes

Me: oh god...he did

Me: i didnt think much of it

Me: he was getting softer with me and i thought nothing of it

Me: im a fool

Minho: you have your answer

Seungmin is indeed a fool. 

The Seo Changbin he had met at Chan's wedding is totally different from the Changbin at the beach trip. Sure, he had been snarky and teasing. But that's what he is. His brand of humor. 

This Changbin had been way softer, observant, and somewhat loving. Like a friend. Like a lover. He often did things to send Seungmin into a frenzy. Like letting him drive his beloved jeep, waiting for Seungmin at the food stall when he had been clearly hungry. Little things to show that he cared. 

Minho: we are doing a get together for chans bday and our anniversary

Minho: would you like to come?

Oh it's October. Chan's and his birthday month. Just two weeks apart from each other. Chan's on 12th, Seungmin's on 27th. They would do a single party, one year on 12th another on 27th, back when they were together. Simple get together. Chan had people who he would invite and Seungmin would have only Felix and Ara and a couple more college friends coming, but it worked. They somehow made the differences work. 

Until they could not.

This time it's not only Chan's party. It's Chan and Minho's first wedding anniversary as well. And the one year since Changbin and his first meeting. 

Wait. Changbin had been at their wedding.

Seungmin knows most of Chan's friends and colleagues. So Minho? Changbin knows Minho? Do they know each other? Fuck, does Changbin know why Seungmin had been that disoriented at the wedding?

Is Changbin aware of Chan's and Seungmin's history?

Me: min, do you know changbin?

Me: seo changbin

Minho: nothing rings a bell

Minho: why? is this the guy you have been seeing

Me: yeah 

Me: actually he was at your wedding

Me: we started things on that day

Minho: oh

Minho: i dont recall calling any changbin

Minho: maybe he came with someone?

Me: i think so too

Me: he was sitting outside alone

Minho: i do know a seo tho

Minho: if it helps

Minho: my mentee, seo jeongin

Minho: did changbin share anything that might help you connect?

Me: we kept things mysterious

Me: he knows nothing about me and i know nothing about him

Me: fuck what was i even thinking

Me: i just think he is not on a desk job

Me: or he hides it every time i visit his flat

Minho: he fixes things you mentioned

Minho: maybe its literal?

Minho: like fixing physical stuff motors, pipes, woodwork, idk

Me: he has a mechanical engineering degree

Me: he could fix motorbikes and cars

Me: that doesn't matter anyway

Me: i just hope he is okay

Me: maybe ill message him

Minho: yeah

Minho: i could ask jeongin for you

Minho: maybe he knows him

Seungmin won't lie - he is curious to know more about Changbin. Maybe he is doing the same with Seungmin. Maybe a dig through RSVPs would help him discover his identity. He is almost convinced to take Minho's help.

But somehow Seungmin doesn't want things to go this way. Changbin will share if he wants to. It's his game. Finding and assembling puzzle pieces. 

Me: no no

Me: when is the party?

Minho: this sunday

Minho: we had to keep on the weekend or some of guests wouldnt come

Minho: going to busan the next 

Minho: ill text felix and jisung too

Minho: chan has already informed ara n hyunjin ig

Me: okay

Me: ill be there

Me: do you want any help?

Minho: ah, we actually went for catering this time

Minho: a friend helped

Minho: so no, get your fat ass only

Minho: and a nice gift…..

Me: lol

Me: what do you want?

Me: wait, its chans bday you idiot

Minho: and my anniversary

Minho: jk jk

Minho: just come as is

Minho: and try to speak to channie ok

Minho: he wants to

Me: but i do speak with him

Minho: beyond small talks minnie

Minho: 🙄

Minho: you both are chickens

Me: you are so weird

Me: who pushes their husband to speak to their ex?

Minho: me

Minho: the coolest husband ever

Me: yeah sure

Minho: jk

Minho: i dont want you guys to keep things unresolved yk

Minho: you guys were friends before everything

Minho: maybe he can even help with your changbin situation

Minho: or be the oldie he is and guide you through?

Me: you are older than chan, minho

Minho: physically

Minho: mentally im 20

Minho: hot youngster

Me: lol

Me: okay okay

Me: be there this sunday

Me: thanks min

Minho: alls good

Minho: take care

----------

It takes Seungmin two days to gather his strength and call Changbin.

Full ring, no response.

Maybe he will get a call back. Maybe he will text him back.

He had called at 3 PM, maybe Changbin was napping. Maybe he is busy at the time. At work. There are thousands of possibilities.

He gets a reply a day later.

Changbin: Hey sorry i missed your call

Changbin: Was occupied

Changbin: Sup?

Casual Changbin. As he had been before.

Seungmin had been getting ready for Minho and Chan's party. A simple shirt and some slacks. Nothing party like but it's okay. He had no one to impress anyway. 

Hyunjin, however, had been fussing like crazy. Tens of shirts lay on Seungmin's bed, some silk, others fancy. The man wanted to look his best. 

They had decided to go to this party together, Hyunjin and him. Merry is sick and at home. She had already called a hundred times for ditching them like this.

Man, I'm so sorry. I wish I could run out of this bed. Don't wanna miss all the free food huhu.

But no, Hyunjin had been equally mom-mode with her. They had started dating only recently after months of chasing. Merry, being the bold woman she was, had been the first to confess. 

I let her have that. 

Oh, he is bluffing. He thought I had no feelings for him. Idiot. Anybody could tell, I was /that/ obvious.

Don't hit me.

Hyunjin looks happy now, happier than ever and that's all he would want for him.

Anyway, he had been working on his hair when he received the message.

He takes some deep breaths. He can do this. He can be brave for once. Seungmin has this under control.

Me: hey

Me: wanna meet? tomorrow at the violets?

Changbin replies in seconds.

Changbin: Wow, fancy

Changbin: Are we going to fine dine before you kill me?

Seungmin chuckles. Typical Changbin.

Me: oh my, you caught on my plan

Me: but yeah, at 8 PM

Me: okay?

Changbin: Sure

Changbin: Meet you then?

The party is at full strength when Seungmin gets there. Hyunjin had taken longer than expected. But the extra time was totally worth it - Hyunjin looks amazing in his pale pink shirt and navy straight pants. His long black hair is styled in waves. So pretty. 

Felix and Jisung were running late as well. Something with Jams not coordinating with the dog sitter. Their neighbors had moved out this summer and Jams is very picky with strangers.

They meet Minho at the main door. The primary host for tonight. And he looks perfect from head to toe - lined eyes, exposed forehead, emerald green shirt that would look ugly on anyone else and some dress pants. He had glitter in his hair. Minho's smile is blinding as he hugs them both.

"Come, come. Channie is with his colleagues, he will join us soon."

Chan is by the bar. His cream shirt is a bright contrast from the dark interiors. He looks equally handsome. Minho moves to him, pointing at where Seungmin and Hyunjin were.

Chan and Minho join them within minutes.

"Congratulations to you both. And Chan, happy birthday."

"Ah, thanks. Come on let me get you some drinks. What would you like, Hyunjin? Seungmin?"

"Beer is fine, thanks."

It's weirdly formal for some reason. He just hopes Hyunjin doesn't feel awkward here. It's not the first time Chan and Hyunjin are meeting. But the setting is awkward. 

Maybe Seungmin is overthinking. Hyunjin looks okay. He has a bright smile on as he observes everyone. Maybe he is overwhelmed by the expanse of Chan's home, his life. Thankfully Felix and Jisung will join them soon.

Chan had to leave after some small talks. He had guests to attend to. People to smile at. But Minho stayed by their side for most of the time. He is chirpy and friendly with Hyunjin. Obviously trying to make him comfortable. This is their first meeting. 

Felix arrives at 9:15 PM, half an hour after Seungmin. He is so beautiful in his burgundy artist's hat, navy shirt and burgundy slacks. Jisung had dressed simply, just like Seungmin. But his eyes shine so beautifully with the glitter makeup. Felix's work.

"Sorry, sorry. Jams won't listen, at all. I should have brought him to Taeri. She is so good with Novie."

"It's okay."

"Lix, Jisung! I got your holiday tickets. You shouldn't have, really."

Minho looks overwhelmed. Felix has that effect on people. He always goes above and beyond for people he loves. He had got them a 7-day European tour as an anniversary gift. Extravagant, but truly Felix. Jisung is equally giving. They are both so good together.

Seungmin's gift is simple but from his heart. A bouquet. Assembly of Baby's Breath, Peonies and Zinnia. Happiness, longevity, and memories. His blessings to them. They were sitting in a hand painted white vase near the entrance gate. The vase is an old one, from Seungmin on Chan's 24th birthday. It fits somehow. Like a tale. Connecting past to present and to future. 

They spend some time interacting, sharing stories and just being themselves. Minho introduces them with some of their guests - fellow practitioners, Minho's childhood friends, Rena and her partner. It's a friendly get together, just in a lavish setting. 

Seungmin feels stuffy. Not because of the dress or the environment. It's Chan. Minho had been eyeing him intently, a silent request. He wants to do this, but he's not sure how to get Chan alone.  He could call him, text him, but Seungmin couldn't just drag him when the man was busy socializing.

But he didn't have to wait long. Chan knows him too well, even after all these years in between. 

"Hey Seungmin."

"Hi Chan."

"Can we talk?"

"Sure."

Felix looks at him in apprehension. Seungmin nods. It's okay. 

They are on Chan's balcony. A square-ish and comfortably big area. Seungmin has a sudden urge to smoke. Maybe it will help calm his raging nerves.

Chan breaks the ice. Of course.

"Sorry for dragging you here like this."

"No, no. I have been meaning to speak to you as well."

"You could have called me anytime, yeah? You know I would come."

"You were busy with guests. And it's your party Chan."

"Haha, I guess."

They go quiet for a bit. But this time Seungmin speaks up. He has to get this out of his system.

"Chan...Channie, I am really happy for you. You and Minho. You both suit each other a lot. I am glad you got what you wanted. I am sorry I wasn't…...I wasn't good with you."

"No, no no no. You were great. No, you are great. I would blame the time. We both wanted something else from life, I guess."

"You wanted to settle down. I wanted to fly."

"You did want to fly very much. I actually admire your ambition. Your will to do things for yourself."

"And at what cost Chan?  I pushed away people to get there. And the funny thing is I dislike it. I dislike this freedom so much. I lost people who loved me. People who I wanted to stay really bad. I gave them away because I couldn't get over myself. My needs."

"You know they say compromise is what makes or breaks a relationship. I don't think so. Our issue was around compromise, not on the major part. It was different goals and commitments. I could have stayed at the cottage forever, you know. But I disliked how you were uncomfortable with everything. I did not want to tie you down. And you did not want me to give up more than I had already done."

"Hmm….it might sound weird, but I'm glad you have someone who is willing to give everything you deserve. An equal. I'm sure you'll grow your little family soon."

"Right, we will. Minho and I talked about it. We are actually planning to adopt next year."

"Wow, your kid would love you both. World's coolest parents."

"That would be Minho, not me. I already know I will be super stressed twenty four seven."

"Typical you, fussing over everything."

"Haha, our kid would love uncle Seungmin also. You would spoil him to death. No, wait, that's gonna be uncle Felix. You will be a degree lesser."

And then they are both laughing. Chan pulls him into a tight hug. He still smells the same - sandalwood and musk. Seungmin had missed this. 

The sky is clear now, Seoul's lights shining upon them.

"I have missed you, Channie."

"I have missed you too, Minnie."

-------------

Seungmin is not the one to fine dine. 

He has had only a handful of visits, mostly courtesy of his parents. If given a chance, he would rather order a take out. 

It's not about the mannerisms or quietness. He appreciates it.

He is just awkward sitting in the center of everything. Seungmin could have ordered their meals but Changbin might want something specific. He wants things to be in order. 

Maybe coming twenty minutes before time was too much.

Seungmin is surprised to see Changbin coming on time. 8 PM on the dot. 

But first things first. Changbin looks amazing. Like really really amazing.

His undercut is back. The stud is there. And he is wearing a classic suit. Seungmin had never seen Changbin in a suit. Like sure, he had worn a suit jacket on their first meeting, if Seungmin's hazy mind is right. but never a full suit with a dress shirt and shoes. It fits him perfectly. 

Seungmin wants to kiss him.

No, he cannot. There are things to be discussed.

"Hey there."

"Hi handsome."

"Why are you flirting?"

"Noticed you checking me out. Just helping you, I guess."

"Still full of yourself. I see."

"Still pretty, I see."

"You think I'm pretty?"

"I know you are."

Seungmin is out of words. What? He did not expect this. At all.

He gets the order printed - simple gravy, some mutton chop and white wine. He hopes his blush is not visible. Seungmin is burning. A simple sentence has him gone. He is hopeless.

"How come a fine dining restaurant? I was afraid you would propose to me here."

"It's just comfortable. Good for talks, I guess."

"You want to talk?"

"Hmmm."

Seungmin is ready. It's now or never.

"Hi, I'm Kim Seungmin."

"Hey, I know that...what?"

"Shh... don't interrupt me."

"Okayyyyy."

"I'm Seungmin. 27 next week. From Seoul but I live alone in a two bedroom house near Bucheon. I have a pet, husky. Novie. 2011-2015 batch from Seoul School of Fahion Design. I started as a fashion journalist but gave up mid way. Now I'm working at this Advertisement firm as a digital marketing manager. I was…. I was engaged once. Chan..the groom on the day we first met. We broke up in 2015, just days after my graduation. I have been in four solid relationships and two flings. Bisexual. I like reading, painting and watching thrillers in my free time. I am a good cook. I watch a lot of YouTube for recipes and I like to recreate stuff I watch. I'm allergic to peanuts and crabs. Even though I have been in love multiple times, I am shit at emotions. I push away people because I am afraid they will get bored of me. And because I was in love with my ex still like a year ago. I like someone else now, but I don't know if they reciprocate my feelings. And I'm scared to ask because what if I'm just reading it all wrong. And they are just being how they are. And it's so difficult for me to initiate things..but I'm willing to do this with them just because...just because I want to get this out of the table. And I am so sorry if it's out of the blue, but Changbin I have been crazy disoriented these last weeks because you just vanished and I wanted to say so much and do so much. I'm sorry.."

"Seungmin…"

"No. Don't say anything. Don't. I know I am stupid. I am crossing lines here. I am just projecting things that aren't there. And this is so weird. I was the one who created boundaries. Who wanted to be mysterious. And now here I am, pouring my heart to someone who doesn't even feel the same -"

"Seungmin. I know you said no interruptions. But no. You are wrong. I..I like you too. I am just as shit at emotions. But I do."

"What?"

"I like you, Kim Seungmin. Get this through your skull."

"But you.."

"Yeah, I was an asshole. I shouted at you. I took out my anger at you. But..It was not you. I did not mean anything I said there. I was stressed, I am still stressed. But you make things so better."

"So.."

"Oh God, this is so stupid. I thought you just wanted no emotions. No strings. So I just gave in to you. I wanted to keep you, and I keep no one. What does that tell you?"

"You sleep around.."

Changbin is chuckling. Changbin is actually chuckling.

"I haven't. Since a long time. I couldn't say that out to you mister. You were all on 'no exclusives'."

"I was stupid."

"And I agree. But I was no better. So we are equals here."

Seungmin joins him. Laughter. He is suddenly so giddy. He feels so light he could fly. 

"What next?"

"As much as I would like to start dating you, I cannot. I have stuff to resolve. And I will tell you about it. Everything. Just give me some time?"

"Of course."

"Good boy."

"Fuck you."

"Oh I will. Right after this dinner. Promise. I cannot wait to kiss you."

"Me too."

The promise is so sweet on Changbin's lips. 

He really couldn't wait, dragging Seungmin by the hand as soon as they were done paying for the dinner. They had to park the car near an empty street. Nobody will peak inside. It is their haven. Sweet love laced with the promise for tomorrow. Seungmin is perched on Changbin's lap, hands inside the man's dress shirt. Changbin is equally feral, nipping on Seungmin's bottom lip nearly drawing blood. The pain is beautiful. 

He cannot believe this is actually happening.

Changbin actually likes him back.

They can actually date.

------------

The winters are colder this year. Chilly winds and heavy snowfall. 

Seungmin likes the cozy atmosphere. And it's even cozier with the warm body on his right. Holding him by the waist.

"I got some green tea from home."

"Mmm...you have taken over my life. Now my kitchen too?"

"Well, I can't have instant tea all the time. If you were good, you would actually buy for me. But no, you just whine and ask me to make food for me."

"Not my fault you are a Michelin star chef. Man, I bagged a good one."

"Technically, you did not. We are still not dating. Thanks to you."

"Soon, soon."

"Hmm….Felix wants to meet you. If you are comfortable."

"Yeah, we can do that. But when are you inviting me to your house?"

"After we are official."

"This is so unfair."

'You brought it on yourself."

"Damn."

They meet Felix and Jisung the next day. The blond had invited them for a brunch. Seungmin is bubbling with excitement. His favorite people are meeting each other. If only Chan could come. Minho and Chan were visiting Minho's grandparents in Jeju-do. Hyunjin had recently quit his job to be with Merry on her food vlog trips across the world. They had video-called Seungmin yesterday from Serbia, nose red and eyes gleaming with excitement. 

Felix, as expected, had prepared so many English and Korean dishes. Sunday roast, kimchi jjigae, soondae, juices. There is so much at table Seungmin is almost overwhelmed. His friend had been excited to meet his soon-to-be boyfriend as well.

'Jisung and Seungmin sometimes do a guitar jam -"

"Wait, Seungmin plays guitar?"

"Haha, he is actually good at it. Has been playing for years."

"What else are you hiding Mister Kim."

"Whoops."

Felix pulls him into his bedroom after they finish eating. Changbin and Jisung are busy discussing their favorite soccer teams.

"Changbin is nothing like I imagined him to be."

"What did you imagine?"

"Someone….broodier?"

"He is not hahaha. He is sarcastic at max. But cute."

"You are whipped."

"Damn right I am."

"Jokes aside, I'm so happy for you Minnie. You deserve this."

"I am too. I can't believe this is happening. I am in love again."

"You had it coming boy. Who could resist you."

"Yeah yeah. But seriously, this was like an ‘introducing to parents’ kinda thing. I am so glad of your acceptance Lee Felix Yongbok."

"Please no. Not that."

"Why? It's cuter, Bokkie."

"I almost miss emo boy Kim Seungmin."

'...'

"Kidding, kidding!"

---------

Me: so..

Me: i was doing something..

Changbin: Doing what?

Me: secret

Changbin: Not again!

Me: i am writing a song

Changbin: For me?

Me: nup! my boyfriend

Changbin: Go ahead. Tease me. I won't say anything

Me: hehe

Me: so i am writing a song

Me: its just words now

Me: but i dont know

Me: its just everywhere right now

Changbin: Send me a clip and I will judge

Me: no way

Me: its not even complete

Me: just chords

Changbin: Lyrics then? 

Me: dream on

It's Changbin's birthday on the 13th - just a week away. They had planned a cozy dinner at Changbin's place. Nothing extravagant. Just them. 

Seungmin had been preparing this song for him for a couple weeks now. In between work hours, sneaking some hours of practice everyday. The song is cheesy but he loves it. It's Seungmin's feelings, as raw as they can be.

But things don't go as planned.

Instead of his place, Seungmin meets Changbin in a busy diner. He is not alone. There is a curly haired boy sitting next to him. 

His brother.

Seo Jeongin.

Jeongin is young. Way younger than Changbin. He looks barely 18 with braces and fluffy cheeks. He is dressed warmly in a soft pink sweater and gingham check pants. Changbin has a big smile on his face as he looks fondly over the boy.

Jeonginnie wanted to meet you. He is so persistent, I had to give in."

"Nah, he knows I would have stolen his phone to invite you myself. So he obliged. Hyung is scared of me, but he would never admit."

"This brat."

"But Seungmin hyung, you are really really pretty. I see what has hyung this whipped."

"Your hyung talks about me?"

Seungmin couldn't help but ask. 

"All the time. It was worse when you were fighting."

"Enough. Sit down and eat your food. I knew introducing you two would be a disaster."

Changbin looks flustered. He is red all over. It's so cute Seungmin can't help but pinch his nose. 

"Aww, you are so adorable."

"Please hyungs. I am still here."

The cake arrives some time later. Chocolate fudge. Changbin is so predictable. They sing the birthday song very quietly, mindful of the guests around. 

Seungmin snaps some pictures with his old Polaroid camera. 

Changbin cutting the cake, Jeongin laughing in the background. The birthday boy feeding a piece to Jeongin, the younger returning the favor. 

A shot of them doing a peace sign at the camera, cake on their faces. 

A selfie with them making faces. 

Jeongin helps with the last one. Seungmin and Changbin pecking each other on the lips. Birthday caps on. It is clicked outside the diner. In a dingy corridor.

But it's perfect.

They drop Jeongin near the hospital Chan and Minho work at. The younger is a second year, interning in catering placement under Minho. Seungmin knows this from his conversation with Minho that one time. So they were mostly correct.

The drive to Changbin's place is surprisingly quiet. The older looks deep in his thoughts. Seungmin leaves him to be, he has nerves of his own. Mainly the guitar he has snuck in his car. He has to distract Changbin for a couple minutes. 

He is successful.

Seungmin walks up to the stairs, the guitar perched on his back. He is brimming with excitement. It's been a while since he did this for someone. 

Changbin is waiting at the door, face bright with surprise. 

"Am I getting a solo concert today?"

"Yep! Don't say I never do anything for you."

He is pulled inside by the sleeve of his shirt. Changbin drops a big smooch on his lips.

"Here is my ticket."

Seungmin makes himself comfortable on the single stool, Changbin sitting across from him on his couch. Their eyes meet as he tunes his guitar. 

One strum. Then two.

I'm just listening to the clock go ticking

I am waiting as the time goes by

I think of you with every breath I take

I need to feel your heartbeat next to mine

You're all I see in everything

I just wanna hold you

I just wanna kiss you

I just wanna love you all my life

I normally wouldn't say this but I just can't contain it

I want you here forever right here by my side

Hmm

Hmm

No one else would ever do

I've got a stubborn heart for you

Call me crazy but it's true

I love you

I didn't think that it would be you who made it clear to me

You're all I need

I just wanna hold you

I just wanna kiss you

I just wanna love you all my life

I normally wouldn't say this but I just can't contain it

I want you here forever right here by my side

Be by my side

He finishes the song with a last strum. Smiling from ear to ear. 

Changbin had been staring at him intently throughout the song. Face soft, lips relaxed. No words. Just feelings.

"So?"

"I am..I don't know what to say."

"I just played a song for you. Man, this is such a cold response. I need a refund."

"Wait. Seungmin. I need to say something."

"Yeah?"

"Normally I am a man of a lot of words. But now. I don't know what to begin with. Don't think I can go monologue as you did."

"Hey!"

"Haha. But ask. Ask your questions. I will answer each of them."

"Hmmm. Let me think...Okay, I have one! What do you work as? Like I at least told you what my job was, but you. Nothing. Now that I think of it, you were. Are. More mysterious than I am."

"Haha, I told you I fix things. It was the answer. I own a garage; I fix bikes and cars."

"Don't ask me how. But I kinda guessed it."

"Was my sexy jeep a dead giveaway?"

"Nah, you fixing things with a mechanical engineering degree. Fits."

"Hmm, you are smarter than I thought."

"So I get three on three now?"

"Just two point five. Just kidding. For me, you are a ten out of five."

"Cheesy ass."

"Says the one who wrote and performed a song for me. Nice!"

"Moving on….when did you realize your feelings...for me?"

"Don't know the exact date. But sometime after our first trip together? At first it was just 'Man, he is so sexy'. Then suddenly things changed. When did you?"

"Tongyeong trip. I realized after I unconsciously brought us couple t-shirts."

"Wait, that was unintentional? I had been giddy over nothing then, wow."

"Hey! I am sure I had feelings before that. It's just that I realized them at Tongyeong. Now next, if you liked me, why did you disappear that often?"

"I knew you would ask me this."

"It's okay if you don't wanna share.."

"No, no. I will. It was because of my dad."

Seungmin did not expect this arc. Even though he is not exactly close with his family, they are still civil with each other. What situation is Changbin going through?

"My father and I, we were not on good terms. He is still not okay with my life or choices. But things are better now than before."

Seungmin walks to the couch, dropping softly besides Changbin. He moves his left hand to touch Changbin's lightly, encouraging him to go on.

"He wanted me to study more. Go into research like he is. But I had different goals. During my school days, I used to get into fights just to spite him. I purposely failed many exams. I wanted to do what I wanted. Take my own decisions. Guess father did not like that. I was the obedient son he wanted. A bad role model to the younger son. Jeongin looked up to me so much they were afraid I would misguide him. Crazy right?"

"No, Changbin. I know you would never do that."

"Yeah, I love Jeongin the most. Why would I want bad things for him? I left home at 16. Innie was 6. Gained my degree from a local college. Started this garage with a couple friends. I was happy. We did not earn much but I liked this freedom. This lifestyle. But dad had problems with that also. Nothing I did was ever enough for him. Years later, he married another person and suddenly wanted me back in his life. Like I existed for him only then. I went back, just for Jeongin. He has been trying so hard to pacify things. My little brother. Dad and I are civil now. No longer fighting, but it would take some time I guess. I am okay with wherever we are currently and whatever we will be in the future."

Seungmin pulls Changbin into a tight hug. Letting the guy sob on his shoulders. A lot of things were left unsaid. This is better.

"Thank you for sharing this, Bin. You are really brave."

"Thank you for loving me…..I am sorry for being a mess."

"Hey, hey. You are not a mess. Look at me."

Changbin looks up at him, face stained with tears. A broken dam. Seungmin kisses him all over - eyes, nose, cheeks, lips.

"I'm here okay. I love you."

"I know."

"Good."

"Seungmin?"

"Hmm?"

"Can I visit your place now?"

---------

Summers are beautiful. 

They bring in the sun, his strawberry bushes are finally happy again. The courtyard is looking livelier. The sky is clear. Picturesque.

Summers also mean beach holidays.

This time it's not just Changbin and Seungmin. Quadruple date, Hyunjin had joked. And technically it is. 

A couple nights at Jeju-do. With Changbin, Seungmin, Felix, Jisung, Hyunjin, Merry, Chan and Minho. 

Surprisingly it had been Chan who suggested this. He had news, apparently.

Hamdeok beach is as he remembers. Vibrant, full of people. He had been here once with Felix, Jisung and Jisung's family. The younger man was brought up in the islands.

They spend the day playing at the seashore. Laughter. Kayaks. Water sports. Lazy time. Local food. They do everything imaginable. 

Minho had booked them rooms at the prettiest resort in the area. The resort had a bamboo themed restaurant. Wooden tables, boards, sheds. It is beautiful. They all gather there late evening. Full dining experience with seafood and coconut water.

"Hey guys. I kinda wanted to say something."

Chan is sitting in front of Seungmin. Minho on his left and Hyunjin on right. Seungmin had been mixing seasoning in his seafood udon. 

"I got this opportunity at Berlin. Germany. They wanted a practitioner for their pediatrics department and it is actually good for my papers. Minho...Min will be joining me later this year. If things go as planned. He has applied for research at the same hospital. I wanted to let you all know."

"How long is this for?"

Jisung's question.

"Maybe for two years, maybe for four. I still don't know."

"When are you leaving, Chan?"

Hyunjin.

"This fall. They will be sending out official documents this week. Only then I'll know the exact date they expect me there."

"Congratulations, Channie. This is great news."

Felix.

They all share their congratulations. All except Seungmin.

Chan is leaving. Chan is leaving the country for an uncertain time frame. Seungmin feels his stomach drop.

He feels a hand on his left thigh. 

Changbin. Seungmin stretches his hand to fall on top of Changbin's who rolls them to hold them better. An assurance. It's okay to be lost. He has someone who would look out for him.

Seungmin meets Minho in the hotel lobby. The man is alone just like him. Maybe he wants to clear his head off too. Just like Seungmin did.

They walk side by side on the cold sand. The sea has disappeared far back. A tide wave maybe.

"Minho."

"Hmm?"

"You are really brave."

Minho looks at him, his pretty face tensed. Eyes sunken. This is a façade. His cheery self. The man is stressed.

"Naah, I am depending on my luck. We will do well. I am sure we will. We will be just two oceans away."

"'I know you will be okay. I have never seen a guy stronger than you are, Min. You will do this and you will be with Chan in no time."

"You think so?"

"I know so."

They all go to the airport to drop Chan off. Seungmin feels better now. He will visit him someday, Changbin had promised he would go with him. 

They say life is a puzzle. Each memory, every person you meet group together to complete the picture. A complete frame.

Changbin had been interested in solving his story. His puzzle. Putting together all the obtained pieces. Slipped memories. Like the childhood game of connecting the dots. Like filling up missing pieces of a Lego set. He had wanted to fix him. Complete his analysis.

But Changbin did not know the piece he is missing is - himself. Like a horcrux. 

Seo Changbin.

A person who started out as an anomaly in Seungmin's life has become one of the most important pieces in this puzzle. 

-----------

EPILOGUE

"Now where the hell is my blue shirt."

"In the closet. Three hangers from the right. Do you even keep your things properly?"

"I had no idea. Like I don't even wear formal shirts that often."

"Hmmm. I will put labels on everything. Or log them on notepad."

"Speaking like a manager. Sexy."

"Shut up. Go check on Novie. I still have to dress up."

"Or we could not go…. I feel like eating you right now."

"Changbin. You know this is important."

"Dad can wait. I'll message him, look."

"Don't. You have halted enough. This is the third time you are avoiding this meetup. Tell me, what are you thinking?"

"Right now? Just you. In lingerie."

Seungmin throws his wet towel at Changbin.

"Ouch. Okay, we'll go today. you win. But a quickie? Promise I'll be good."

"You will go?"

"Yes, Mom."

A kick.

"Okay, okay. No violence. Yes, I will go. I just need you right now."

Seungmin doesn't get time to respond. His lips are attacked by his boyfriend of two years. Seungmin smiles into the kiss. Classic Changbin. Taking out his nerves this way. He doesn't mind. It's fun anyway.

A quickie turns into two full rounds.

They are late to the meet up by an hour and a half. Changbin's dad is surprisingly okay with the delay in plans. He is growing softer by the day. Changbin too. Now he is mostly a whiny, needy mess who needs kisses all the time. 

"So what's my rating?"

"Hmm?"

"You said you would rate me someday. Remember? My points were on Cuteness, Stubbornness and Intelligence."

"It's been years Bin. What are you even thinking?"

"I am curious. If you have to rate me, what will be your scale and points for me?"

"Hmm… let me think. Maybe singing skills? You get a half. Outside of bathroom, a quarter."

"Not fair…this thing is rigged."

"You asked."

"Next?"

"Humility….quarter again. You wanted to fix me, wow. Do I look broken? I am perfectly fine, thank you very much."

"I regret asking this."

"Lastly….. resilience. Quarter. You dropped me like a hot pack. Like tell me what's wrong. Why would you disappear for days."

"One out of three. Wow. Do you hate me that much?"

"Wrong. I love you this much. I don't care about the ratings or your '10 ways to assess a psychotic plan' or whatever that you read. I just know I love you the most. And I love your quirks and the way you give me all the blankets at night because I catch cold fast. The way you don't say often but I know you love me equally if not more. So yeah, Seo Changbin. This rating is rigged. All votes go in your favor."

=

Changbin: Hey

Changbin: Seungmin, hey

Me: what?

Me: im busy

Me: tell me fast

Changbin: I love you

Chapter Text

Oh, this isn't an update, just to let you know that the much awaited spinoff is out now! You can read it HERE