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“You’re not a monster! Stop saying that. Smart and witty and unwaveringly kind, that’s what you are!”
“That doesn’t make me less dangerous.” Remus’ voice was soft and steady, calm even. As if he was talking about something entirely unrelated to himself, like he was merely stating facts. It just made her more furious. “We’ve had this conversation before, Nymphadora.”
“Don’t call me that! And we will have this discussion again and again until I somehow manage to get the message inside your head.” Tonks pointed her index finger at his chest and glowered at him fiercely. Remus admired her determination, even though he knew better than to believe her. Nothing could convince him, that he was anything more than an old, unemployed werewolf, not even close to deserving to be loved by someone like her.
“Good luck, Nymphadora”, Remus replied dryly. He was fully aware, that he was winding her up with the use of her first name, but that was exactly what had to happen. They had been tiptoeing around each other for months now, building up tension with every joined mission, with every tipsy conversation after a few glasses of Firewhisky, with every furtive brush of hands at the dinner table. Tonks was dangerously close now and he knew, that if she took only so much of a step towards him, he would not be able to hold back. So he had to keep her at bay, he had to make sure, that she would not seek his proximity.
“You are- You are so frustrating.” Her hands were curling into fists, as she closed her eyes for a moment. An angry blush had crept onto her cheeks, making her look more vivid and radiant than ever. “Why is it, that you can’t accept the fact, that you are surrounded by people who appreciate you?”
“I’m an asset to the Order, that’s why people appreciate me.” The words escaped Remus’ mouth, before he had the time to think about them.
“Remus, that’s not true. You can’t honestly believe that.” Tonks’ voice had dropped, her words barely more than a whisper. “Can’t you see that you are loved? Can’t you feel that- that I love you?”
Remus froze with his mouth slightly agape. He could do nothing but stare at her beautiful face. Nymphadora’s bright blue eyes were so intently fixed upon him, that it made the hair on the back of his neck stand on end. In this moment there was nothing in the whole world he wanted more, than to believe her. To just relish the words he had longed to hear for such a long time. To admire the gorgeous mouth that had spoken them.
“Tonks, you don’t mean that.” It wasn’t a question. It was the only thing able to escape his stiffened jaw and Remus regretted it immediately, as he saw hurt flash across her features.
“Oh, so now we’re finally at surnames, aren’t we?” Tonks’ gaze let him go and lifted towards the ceiling.
“I’m sorry.” His voice was stricken. “But even if you did mean it, we- we could never be a thing. I could never make you happy. We could never be together.”
“You know I want you, it’s not a secret I try to hide. And I know you want me, so don’t keep saying our hands are tied.” Tonks’ words sounded bitter, like she had practiced them for a long time. Like she had known, what he would say. “You’re here in my heart, so who can stop me, if I decide that you’re my destiny?”
“Nymphadora, don’t...”, Remus tried weakly. His vision was a blur, her face drowning out their surroundings and clouding his mind.
“Tell me you don’t feel the same way about me.” Her blue orbs were resting on him again, waiting. Waiting for him to regain composure and tell her white lies. Waiting for him to tell her that he didn’t love her. But he couldn’t. It was impossible to lie to her, even though he knew, that it would make her life so much easier.
“I can’t”, he whispered. The corners of Tonks’ mouth quirked slightly upwards into the faintest of smiles.
“I knew it.” She took his hands and sent a dizzying feeling through his limbs. Hope was spreading in Remus’ chest like weeds overgrowing a tidily kept garden. He had to contain it, this could not happen. Nymphadora and him, that was not something that could happen.
“You’re being naive.” It came out harder than he had intended to. She let go of his hands and they felt suddenly cold. “It doesn’t matter what I feel. I’m not putting you in danger for my selfish reasons. I’m sorry I put you in such a position.”
“You’re an idiot!”, Tonks exclaimed. “You think I’m naive for believing that you deserve love, but your almighty fear of intimacy is way more immature.”
She was getting angry again, but this time Remus wasn’t able to keep calm. His emotions were all over the place and deep down he knew she was right.
“You think it’s easy? You think I don’t want to run to you?”, he blurted out, his chest heaving as if he had just run a mile. Helplessness was written all over his face. “But there are mountains and there are doors that we can’t walk through. I know you’re wondering why, because we’re able to be just you and me within these walls. But when we go outside, you’re gonna wake up and see, that it was hopeless after all.”
“What if we rewrite the stars? Say you were meant to be mine. Nothing could keep us apart.” The picture Tonks was painting with her words was almost overwhelming. A wonderful fantasy, impossible to reach, yet unbearably close.
“No one can rewrite the stars.” Remus felt anger rise in his chest, not because of her, but because of the world, that deemed their love a sheer impossibility. He was angry because he knew that society would not change, not in his lifetime anyway, and for once he let himself see, how utterly unfair it really was. His next words were soft and stained with regret. “Everything keeps us apart and I’m not the one you were meant to find.”
“I don’t give a fuck about what anybody else says. It’s up to you and it’s up to me. No one can say what we get to be. No one but us.” Salty tears threatened to escape her eyes. Tonks was fighting for them, for him. And as she stood there in front of him, fists balled, cheeks flushed and pink hair dancing in the dark around her face, Remus couldn’t help himself. His lips found hers as if they had never done anything else, as if kissing her had always been not only a possibility but an established occurrence in time and space. Hands meddled with hair, desperately holding onto a moment they both knew would end soon. Frantically, Remus tried to memorize the softness of her lips, the smell of her, the impossible little moans that seemed to come from somewhere deep within her. His fingers clung to her hips wanting more, wanting to sneak under her sweater in search for the sweet relief of skin on skin. Oxygen was missing from his lungs and he quietly cursed them for needing air, as he broke the kiss.
Tonks was panting just as heavy as he was. Her lips were swollen and aching to be kissed again. Remus swallowed hard, trying to focus his mind on anything but her, but she was intoxicating. He closed his eyes, his eyebrows knitted together and took a step back.
“I’m sorry, Nymphadora.” His voice was hoarse, barely obeying him. “You know I want you, it’s not a secret I try to hide. But I can’t have you. We’re bound to break and my hands are tied.”
The heart in Remus’ chest screamed at him not to turn away, to take her in his arms again, to kiss her until the self-loathing voices inside his head would finally shut up. But his feet had already retreated and carried him out of the room.