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Published:
2021-02-15
Updated:
2021-02-26
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1,954
Chapters:
3/?
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Uncle Vernon and the goblet of fire

Summary:

This fanfic proves that uncle vernon was the secret hero of harry potter all along.

If you don't beief me you are a muggle.

Leave a review if you want another chapter! Please don't flame me I am very sensative about this work because it is so deep and philosophical, even autobigraphical at times

Chapter 1: The begining of the end

Chapter Text

Uncle Vernon and the goblet of fire

It was the last book of harry potter
It was the last page of the last book of harry potter
There was one second left until Voldemort would win
Only one word left of the last page of the last book.

Suddenly the villain swooped in on a broom, he had no nose, scary snake eyes – and looked evil.
Harry potter looked up from doing his magic class and said “oh no”
The noseless mans cloak whooshed evily.
He said “I am going to do a magic spell on you”
Harry looked shocked, he had never heard of magic before.
“it is a bad one” the villain said.
“oh no” said Harry potter.
At that moment Darth Vader zapped him with his magic wand “kapow”
Harry potter died.

At that moment Uncle Vernon Dursley, the secret hero of the whole series came through the door.
“hello”
He said.
“oh no”
Said Voldemort.

Chapter 2: plot twist!!!!!!!!

Summary:

I really struggled with chapter 1 so i wrote this one instead.

Review if you want more chapters!

Chapter Text

“magic isn’t even real” Uncle Vernon said bravely
“there is no such thing as spells or quidditch or broomsticks”
Everyone was shocked at him. HE was like Richard dawkins only even more handsome and clever.


Harry potter looked at him with a tear in his eye, he was saved. After seven books worth of waiting, the real hero had come to save him at last. But the hash truths he were saying were too much to bear. Harrys life was saved but at what cost?

“there is no such thing as abrakadabras, Hogwarts or kings cross station”


All the fanfiction authors looked at him. They could feel it inside that he was telling the truth, it was terrifying and amazing at the same time.


“I don’t even understand how you are so silly as to think that magic and harry potters are real”
Harry potter was sad. He wanted to be real. He wanted to have emotions. And to want things.

“ I give all of your fanfictions only two and one seventh stars”


Hermiony put up her hand – she had worked really hard on her fanfiction. It was about how she could read lots of books, and how everyone liked her because of it.


Uncle Vernon swooshed the broomstick around with his hands. It looked cool.


““I am so sad that you don’t like my fanfiction” she roared
It was like the roar of a tiny mouse” she whimpered.
No one liked the way she used nested speechmarks, it was pretentious.


They had all wanted to believe it but had been tricked into believing it, by the real villain. Society. Voldemonty looked at his basalisk snake and then the business man “who is the real monster?” he asked lamentingly.

No one knew because the businessman was just as monstrous as the snake. He was in fact a dragon. He flew away on his monstrous dragon wings, whilst breathing lots of fire.

Now they all knew the truth, they were all magically transforming into real people.

Nevil turned into a roadsweeper
Luna turned into a computer programmer. She had spent years learning languages that no one would pay her to use.
Hermiony turned into a housewife. She took a cake she had baked out of the oven. No one wanted to eat it because she had used salt instead of sugar.

The magic transformed even the fanfic authors. They were turned back into loosers. They cried, because that’s what loosers do. All their readers laughed at them. Some of them kicked them too.

Ron turned into a ginger.
Sheamus turned into a pub.
Mcgonigal turned into a cat

JK Rowling appeared, and they all punched her for being progressive enough for 2010 but not 2020.
They said “we used to be angry at mums who burned the harry potter books, but now we want to, but we wont, because we don’t want to get too hot because we are in one right now”

Ebony dementia darkness ravenclaw turned back into Aunt Petunia. She was so thankful that she didn’t believe in magic any more “thanks” she said.
“I am very thankful” she said reiterating her point.

JK rowling looked at the mustaschioed ubermensche and said “I knew you were always the true hero of this story, but I was scared to admit it.”


Unkle Vernon smiled a wise smile. HE was very wise. Dan Brown suddenly finished writing the divinci code and solved the last riddle in the Vatican, he burst in and saw uncle Vernon. “your wisdom is what we have been searching for all along”, he knelt before him, and averted his eyes as he offered him the most magical magic wand of all.


Unkle Vernon zapped the entire universe with it so that he could use his wisdom to prove that magic wasn’t real.


Dumbledoor turned into a door
Crabb turned into a crab.
And goyle turned into an ogre.

“Umkle Vernon then wlaked up to Voldemort, took his wand and snapped it in half”
It then dissolved into fairy dust, illustrating the non existence of the supernatural.


Voldemort looked very sad. He realised he had wasted his life by beliefing in magic and writing fanfics where he was cool and an edgy bad guy. But now he knew the truth- magic wasn’t real. He wasn’t even sure if it was possible to be a bad guy anymore, so he would just have to try really hard to be a guy.

Hogwarts turned into a hog
Hogsmead turned into another hog
snape turned into mad eye moony.

Harry was happy because uncle Vernon said that he could live under the stairs for ever, and they would even lock it so he could never get out, and turn the lights off so he could never read any book ever again.

Voldemort didn’t try hard enough to be a guy so he magically dissolved into nothing.
Realising that magic wasn’t real killed him, like the stupid looser that he was. Why did it take seven attempts to take over a school? my school was next to a zoo and one day the panda got out and we weren't allowed to go in. We got hte whole day off. If even a panda can take over a school why can't voldemort? because he is the kind of stupid looser who would disolve into pixie dust if he realised magic wasn't real- thats why!

exactly one second later all the words in all the fanfics in the world got deleted.

Everyone rejoiced and did a jig. They didn't like them any way. Even the people that said nice things were just pretending so that the authors would think they were cool, but secretly they weren't.

All the fanfiction websites exploded.

Then they went with harry into the darkness beneath the stairs.

All the letters of all the books started dancing off their pages, until all the books in the world were just blank.
The letters danced around the moon and sang songs of gladness as they retreated under the stairs, never to be seen again.


Now the world was perfect.


Full of joy.


All the harry potter characters died.


No one thought about anything transcendant ever again.


Uncle Vernon smiled.


The real Voldemort had turned out to be JK Rowling all along, but even she faded away to nothing. “the cursed child is canon”
She said.


Unkle Vernon was being all cool and stoical. He said something rational about life and death, but no one could write it down because it was so wise.
The world faded to gray and the future and past collapsed into a continuous present.


The people stopped laughing and kicking the fanfiction authors and high fived each other.


Everyone was so glad that the whole world was a perpetual gray second, where the absence of the transendant would mean the absence of desire and emotion.
They loved the gray emotionless and timeless void. They looked forward to it every day.


The broken fragments of meaning tried to reassemble themselves, but they couldn’t. They were like jigsaw pieces that had forgotten their picture. People pointed at them, laughd at them, kicked them then set them on fire. JK Rowling laughed the hardest of everyone.


Aunt petunia took a potato peeler and started peeling potatos so hard that the peeler cut away meaning from all the words. They fled to the darkness beneath the stairs, leaving only sounds. Vibrations in air.

Everyone told the author of this fanfiction how clever he was for seeing the truth. He accepted their praise stoicly, and tipped his fedora. Perhaps he was the ture hero of Harry potter all along.


Because people couldn’t solve the mystery of what it meant for thoughts to be about things, aboutness went under the stairs next. Now it was impossible to think about anything.

Malfloy turned into a mouse
Edward Cullen turned into McDonalds floor sweeper and chased him around. “Don’t eat my chicken wings”
Jacobs abbs fell off and he couldn’t get a job, because no one liked him. He was sad and unemployed forever. " i wish i was awarewolf again"

Tom Felton turned into a piece of felt
Rupert grint turned into a mint
And Daniel Radcliff turned into a cliff

After he turned into a cliff he turned around and saw the curtains for the stage. He pulled the rope and the curtains closed.
Everyone smiled, laughed and clapped for the end of the world.
However, because there was no aboutness left in the world their smiles, laughs and claps signified nothing.

 

Chapter 3: Chapter 3

Summary:

Thanks for all the positive comments everyone, except you haters!

I bet you didn't think i could write a thrid chapter, but i did - this is like the avengers endgame of the shared marvel cinematic universe i have been developing here.

I hope you like it, a lot of this is really deep personal stuff - so if you have to criticise please be constructive.

Chapter Text

 

Only a week had past.

Vernon was now the king of the whole entire universe.

Magic had been a metaphor for religion in harry potter, so when uncle Vernon got rid of it, everyone in the world became super scientifically advanced and just loads of great technology- because there was now no more crusades or Spanish inquisition to hold them back any more.

Everyone was happy, even though meaning and aboutness had disappeared. But because Unkle Vernon was such a genius he transformed into Elon Musk and then was just able to invent those kinds of things so no one had to deal with their absence.

Then a hunger games happened.

Katniss was the hungriest and ate so much cake that she won. She was the champion, but she then got diabetes because of all the cake. As a result, they had to have the hunger games again.

This time Harry Potter was selected represent under the stairs.

All the letters from all the books that had flown under the stairs had given him super powers, like when you are bitten by a radio active spider.

His super power was that he could spell any word, but because he was also a wizard who used spells he could now turn every word into a spell. This was a really cool power, that could have definitely saved the day, but he didn’t use it.

Also in the hunger games was captain Jack sparrow. He was very small and could fly.

Even more also in the hunger games was wreck it ralph and a team of other people called ralph. They were the bad guys. They had futuristic technology like lasers which could blast you.

Katnis said to harry potter- “my last wish before I die is that you win the hunger games and save my sister from being blown up by a bomb.” Harry potter said “I volunteer as tribute”

John snow now made harry potter go through a parade and wear a dress. This made harry sad, not because he was transphobic, just because he didn’t like waring dresses. At school everyone had bullied him for wearing robes which the other children said looked like a dress.