Work Text:
why do you cry with your hair still up
and my tshirt on
Dongho shouldn't be able to see it.
But Jaewon's curled up on the floor of his and Daehyun's room and his hair's still stiffly hairsprayed back from his face— the only remnant of their final photoshoot aside from the younger's now-ruined makeup, eyeshadow and foundation melting from his tears. He's wearing the creamy tan sweater Dongho lent him when he had to spend the night-
and oh that feels like it was years ago. It can't have been more than six months, though.
The door's not shut properly. Dongho can see Jaewon silently sobbing from the hallway. He shouldn't be able to see it.
He doesn't do anything about it. Daehyun's better at comforting people, but he's meeting with some old friends. Minsoo's better than he is, but he's looking at an apartment listing and then he's going to some family dinner.
Dongho just quietly walks into the bathroom and shuts the door behind him.
i guess i'll be gone when the lease is up
where did we go wrong
They make a strange sight to any passersby, just four young adults with multicolored hair lounging in the grass at a park at 1am, assorted convenience store snacks on the makeshift picnic blanket spread out.
Minsoo takes a swig of his beer. "So, Dae-yah? Where're you going?"
"I already moved back in with my parents, you guys know that. Minyoung mentioned that SHC's thinking of starting a boygroup, so I might try again there. Aish... they might make me the leader because I've got experience already..."
"Ah, it's fine. You'd be a good leader!" Minsoo grins, taking another sip from the can in his hand. "'m gonna try out at XR again. They better fuckn' take me, this time. And I found an apartment, too! It's got good walls, no noise complaints for me!" He cheers gleefully, clinking his can in the air with some invisible creature.
"You could try to get into SHC- wait! We could all try to get into SHC, as a group! Wouldn't that be-"
"...I don't think I'm going to try again." Jaewon's quiet, quieter than normal, a beer can clutched in his hands. "Even if it's with you guys..."
Minsoo and Daehyun just nod.
Dongho coughs awkwardly. "I'm going to America, so-"
Minsoo frowns. "What do you have waiting in America?"
"A job. Got it a couple weeks after the disbandment announcement. 'm gonna be modeling, and, if you're interested, they said any of you are welcome to come with me."
Minsoo and Daehyun laugh a bit, shaking their heads. "Dae and I are idols, not models!"
Jaewon shifts a bit in his seat, deep-purple hair falling in his eyes. "I'm sure you'll do great, hyung. Let us know how your apartment is in America. Once you get there, of course."
"...Jaewon-ah, you've got somewhere to go, right?"
"I'll have one before the move-out date, don't worry!" Jaewon smiles, eyes all squished up and shining like they are when it's genuine. "Maybe I'll be a barista. That'd be nice... I'll ask Junsu if they're hiring..."
"I'll come visit you at work, then!"
"Same here, hyung!"
"...If I'm ever in Seoul for business, I'll try to stop by."
Minsoo raises his can. "We may be split apart, but we're still MAYHEM!"
Daehyun laughs, more than a bit tipsy. "I'll drink to that!"
Dongho just sighs, a slight smile playing at his lips as he raises his own can. Jaewon follows, and he's the last to clink his can against the others.
but damn you look good when your tears dry up
i hate to be the one to make your fears fire up
They'll be gone in the morning. It'll just be dust and heavy furniture and that dent in the wall from where Minsoo kicked it after getting the news.
The dorm already feels too empty. The bunk above Dongho is cold (has been for a couple weeks, now) and it's quiet enough that he heard Jaewon's light footsteps out to the balcony.
With a groan, Dongho pushes out of his bunk and wanders out into the empty, dark hallway. Light from the moon is trickling in through the windows, through the balcony door. Dongho slips outside and, sure enough, Jaewon's dangling his legs through the railing and smoking.
They don't say anything, this time. Jaewon just stares out at the skyline with blank, red-rimmed eyes and Dongho can still see the tear tracks on his thin cheeks.
Then Jaewon turns to looks at him and fear is painted on his face when he sees Dongho. Again.
"...I'm just going to sit here, Wonnie."
"Ok," Jaewon murmurs. "Don't really feel like talking, anyway..."
Dongho hums in response, hanging his legs off the side of the balcony and resting his head against the cold metal railing.
He should ask again. Really. Sure, his flight to America is in the morning, but he's got enough money to buy a ticket for Jaewon, and Jaewon's exactly what Solitech is looking for in a model and-
Jaewon's already said he's not interested. So Dongho won't bother him.
"...if you don't mind, can you pass me a cigarette?"
"...sure, hyung. I heard a lot of models smoke. To keep their weight down or something... promise me you won't do that, thought, okay?"
"I promise, Won-ah. Promise me you'll stop going through half a pack in a night, then."
"...I'll try."
i'll be outside when the sky falls down
wanna get the fuck out this lonely town
Minsoo takes a swig from his bottle of soju— just purchased at the 7/11 a couple blocks from the High Class building— and sighs, staring up at the starless sky. He and Dongho had gone out to get drinks, a small celebration about having finalized the tracklist for MAYHEM's last album.
"Remember how we used to get snacks from 7/11 after long practices? Back when it was just us?"
"...yeah. Normally you bought me something, since your mom gave you the money and all that..."
"Look at us now though! Two financially responsible adults! With our own credit cards!"
Dongho smiles a bit and sips at his beer. "I bet you're going to use all the comeback money you get to upgrade your computer."
Minsoo's smile falls. "...It'll probably go to getting an apartment. Don' wanna think about that yet, though. After promotions. Then I'll worry about that."
"...sorry. Shouldn't have brought it up."
"No, no don't apologize." Minsoo sighs again. "...I should apologize. For the whole... blaming you about us having to disband, blaming Wonnie..."
"Apologize to Jaewon, then. I know you didn't really mean it, but I don't think he does."
"...is that why he's so quiet?"
Dongho shrugs. "It might be? He probably blames himself, anyway. But you apologizing could help, if you're trying to befriend him."
Minsoo purses his lips, and he's about to say something, but-
rain bursts out of the clouds above their heads and pelts down against them.
"Run! To that overhang!"
It's a mad dash to a small, small overhang, but they squish in together nonetheless.
Minsoo takes another swig of his soju, blue-grey hair plastered to his face. "Welp, it's nearly a week late, but that rain's here now!"
"...it didn't rain much in California. 'm not sure if I liked that or not."
"Dude, why have you been talking so much about California lately?" Minsoo laughs, probably close to being tipsy by now. "You're not going back, are you?"
Dongho sips his beer. The rain pounding down drones out any uncertainty in his voice. "I haven't finalized anything yet."
The signed contract in his desk drawer says otherwise.
where will you be when i go insane
i don't give a fuck it all feels the same
The backstage hallways of any music show feel familiarly twisting and confusing, but now... MAYHEM walk down those hallways and remember their debut performance, their first comeback, their last comeback, and now this is it: their last time walking these halls.
Daehyun, as usual, has a peacefully calm expression, lips quirking up into small smiles when he spots someone he knows. YoungJ, or Minyoung, or some other idol he's briefly talked with during prior comebacks.
Minsoo looks icy, impossible to approach, and the only person who dares to try is Minsung. Minsoo just glares at him, though, and that's all that comes from that.
Jaewon keeps his head down. His hair— a deep purple now— doesn't stand out quite as much as red, and he no longer looks so much larger than life (privately, Dongho's sure he's gotten smaller) and people simply pass him by that way.
Dongho stays passively emotionless. His hand, however, is grasping Jaewon's, and he's not sure if it's for Jaewon's comfort or for his own.
Their red jackets stand out in the hallways as they make their way to soundcheck. Really, it's almost normal. They could just pretend it's a normal comeback, that they'll finish it and get back to work on the next one.
But there's the sad, sad looks that are given by so, so many other idols— newer groups, senior groups, girl groups, boy groups, soloists, subunits, anyone walking the halls, really— and even the staff look at them with pity, and Dongho can't help but feel like some sort of fake in his crisp, red suit.
They don't need to wear nametags for soundchecks now. It's a privilege that usually only senior groups get, but now MAYHEM, too, take that place of honor.
And they're led on stage and handed their mics and Dongho has to let go of Jaewon's hand.
For once, he looks out into the empty seats, and the lights shining back feel like they're blinding him.
For once, he feels so, so small.
easier to blame with a broken heart
hate me now, you'll be thrown apart
"It's all your fault!"
MAYHEM got the news that they were disbanding.
"It's all your fault, Kang Dongho, and you know it! What, were those 10 years of training nothing to you? Or the measly 2 years that we spent as a group? How about that? Do you even care about wasting 12 years of your life?"
"I did it for Jaewon. I see no point in letting him suffer for us to be happy, and neither shou-"
"Shut up," Minsoo fumes. "Just fucking shut up, Dongho. My parents are going to be pissed, they're going to lecture me for throwing away 12 years of my life- I'm almost 27! That's almost half my life- and they're gonna force me to go to college or something stupid and it's all your-"
"At least you fucking have parents! At least they let you audition! At least you didn't have to run away when you were 16! What the fuck am I supposed to do now, Minsoo? Tell me that!"
A door clicks open in the hallway behind them.
Daehyun pokes his head out of his room, eyes sharp. "Keep it down, will you? You're upsetting Jaewon. He's trying to sleep, so please, shut the fuck up."
Minsoo stares back, shocked that Daehyun of all people would be so harsh-tongued. Dongho just sighs. "We will. Tell Jaewon-ah we're sorry."
"...sure."
The door clicks shut again and Minsoo scowls. "...I'll be gaming if you need me. I doubt that, though. Seems you think you'd be the better leader."
Their bedroom door shuts behind Minsoo's angered footsteps.
Dongho turns to the balcony. He needs some air.
what do you desire?
what do you desire?
Now really isn't the time to be questioning anything. Dongho knows that. And yet he's still questioning himself, questioning his motives, every reason he has for wanting Jaewon to come with him.
He doesn't like the answers.
Sure, LA's more welcoming to that kind of thing— even if his parents aren't— and, if anything, an openly LGBTQ+ model might end up helping Solitech, but Dongho just... can't.
He can't admit that he likes Jaewon. No, he can't even admit that he likes men. It's not the time-
no.
He just can't.
Minsoo rolls over in the bunk above Dongho and sighs a bit, seemingly still dreaming. It's enough to jolt Dongho out of his mind, and he too sighs.
Even in the dim light, he can see the bi flag sticker Minsoo stuck to his PC tower just a few days ago.
And Dongho's not sure what he wants.
Does he want to be free? Does he want to be safe? Does he want love? Does he want fame? Does he want Jaewon?"
He only knows the answer to one.
by now, i should be in LA
wasting my time chasing better days
Dongho hasn't told the others where he's going. Minsoo would be mad.
He's not planning on telling them for a while, anyway. Maybe once they've got solid plans. Then they won't be jealous of him. Or worried about him. Or maybe they'll just be as impassive as he usually is.
After all, he's not happy about it. So why would they be?
Why would they be happy that Jeongmin told the Kangs about MAYHEM's disbandment? Why would they be happy that the Kangs sent Dongho a "business proposition" within hours of him being told that MAYHEM would be disbanding? Why would they be happy that he gave up on his dreams of dancing and performing to be a model of all things, a model for Solitech, a model for his parents company?
He accepted it. Why would they be happy about that?
Dongho's got a signed contract in his desk drawer. His flight to LA is already booked. And the moment he hands that stupid piece of paper over, Solitech will own him. Why would they be happy about that?
Why is he happy about it?
He doesn't quite know. He doesn't know why he's almost looking forward to it.
It'll be warmer there. Sunnier. He'll get to go to the beach again. Dispatch won't be hiding around every corner. People will know him as the Kang's son, not as D.Min (and god, why did High Class let him debut with the stage name he chose at 17?).
It'll be better in LA, he tells himself.
It'll be better.
but I know way too many things to stay
alone at lost for words but still
The press are brutal. Money-hungry and careless when it comes to whether or not the article they're writing might just ruin someone's life.
Dongho's watched it happen firsthand with Jaewon. He's watched Jaewon— sweet, caring, shy Jaewon— get turned into some sort of demon by the press, and it's evident Jaewon hates it. He can tell: the way Jaewon shrinks in on himself every time they pass by a gaggle of paparazzi, the way he stops smiling and instead hides behind his mask.
And now, walking out of a photoshoot studio, the cameras are flashing more than they were during said photoshoot. There's microphones being shoved towards them— well, Jaewon— and video cameras pointed their way, and it's suffocating.
It's because of Jaewon. Because of the latest scandal. And Dongho knows it's fake.
The words to say it lay heavily on his tongue, and it'd be so easy to say it, but he can't.
Quickly, he grabs Jaewon's arm, and tries to pull him closer to the group, out of reach of the press. Like magpies, they follow the redhead anyway, questions yelled at him from over-bearing reporters. It takes some work, but finally Dongho manages to maneuver Jaewon to walk beside him, and he can shield the younger from the press.
Not that Jaewon isn't trying to hide, of course. His hood's tugged so far down that Dongho doesn't quite know how he can see, and his mask obscures the rest of his face. Dongho squeezes his hand, and he doesn't miss the way Jaewon shrinks in on himself.
"D.Min, how do Wyld's scandals affect the group?"
"Can you give a statement about what the company's going to do to punish Wyld?"
"Wyld doesn't bring girls back to your dorm, does he?"
"Is this latest scandal going to be what gets Wyld kicked from the group?"
Dongho stares at the cameras, eyes narrowed.
"The scandals are fake," he says angrily. "Anyone with eyes can see that."
And it feels so good to watch the way some of the press just freeze, but then he turns.
Jaewon's staring at him, eyes wide and terrified.
Daehyun's glancing back at him as they continue walking to the van, and Dongho can see Manager Choi staring at him incredulously.
Minsoo won't look back. Dongho can tell he's furious.
And Jaewon's terrified.
The realization dawns on him slowly, and Dongho nearly freezes in his spot when he understands why.
i messed up.
i've won and i've lost but i fell and i fucked it up
i've won and i've lost but i fell and i fucked it up
It's their last performance. The last time they'll ever stand on stage. And it's already over and they're standing for the ovations, for the weekly awards to be given, and they, MAYHEM, could never win.
But they're standing in the front of the crowd of groups, and it's between them and SA1NT, and the little hope Daehyun had all drips down the drain.
Minsoo's hands are balled up in fists, and he's trying to stay composed, and Dongho can't help but want to applaud him.
Then the scores start to be announced. Jaewon stands silently, emotionlessly, and Dongho, for a split second, sees Wyld standing there.
And then SA1NT gets 4,291 points.
And then Minsoo's staring in disbelief, and Daehyun's got some sort of hope, and Dongho's wondering what SA1NT did to get such a poor score. Jaewon still stands emotionlessly.
And then MAYHEM's score shows up.
17,293.
Dongho barely has time to process it before Minsoo's rocketed into his chest, sobbing into the pristine red fabric, and he pulls Daehyun and Jaewon in to hug them.
They don't register the other groups cheering, congratulating them on this flimsy victory.
Not when Minsoo's sobbing into Dongho's chest, and Daehyun's crying into his shoulder, and Jaewon's still emotionless (Dongho swears there's tears in his eyes, though) and Dongho's trying so, so hard to hold them all together, even while his vision blurs with tears.
They still have to accept the award. They still have the encore.
But none of that really matters.
It was their last chance. And it's too late to get another.
laying in bed with my headphones on
and our playlist stops
It's quiet in Dongho's apartment. Too quiet. It makes his skin crawl.
Really, he should turn his music back on. He should try to keep himself from doing anything stupid.
But all he's done for the past two days- nights? days? time seems to blend together in this apartment, all white and black and grey- is lay in bed and maybe text one of the others (Jaewon, usually. He's never sleeping, it seems.) and listen to music.
It's MAYHEM's discography. Maybe that's why it hurts each time the playlist ends.
It's a playlist cut too short, and the demos still saved on his laptop prove that.
He sighs a bit.
I'll get something to eat later.
The playlist starts over again.
I'm spinning right now, hope it don't last long
Why did I get drunk?
Jaewon laughs— a real, genuine laugh— and maybe, if Dongho was sober, he'd feel offended that Jaewon only really smiles when he's drunk.
"Ah, hyung, I'm going to miss you..." Jaewon sips at his drink— definitely not his first that night— and stares sadly at Dongho.
Dongho takes a sip of his, too, and smiles. "You should come to LA with me. Solitech would love you. It's sunny there, too. And there's the beach..."
"I've never been," Jaewon says wistfully.
For a moment, Dongho celebrates. I got him to come with me! Jaewon's coming to LA!
"...I can't go, though. 'm not meant to be famous, hyung..."
Dongho sighs, and his eyes meet Jaewon's sad, sad dark eyes glittering in the dim lighting of the bar. "...are you sure? You could even just stay with me... and Boba, he's going to be there... he likes you a lot, y'know."
Jaewon smiles— and it looks pained and twisted and fake and Dongho knows he should say something but he doesn't— and sips his drink. "Thank you, hyung, but I'm happier staying in Korea. I'll be sure to text you, though."
Dongho's head spins a bit as he nods, but he pays it no attention. "Alright. The offer's always open, though. 'm gonna have too much space in that apartment..."
"Like your last place?"
"Bigger," Dongho sighs. "Jeongmin won't even be staying with me this time..."
"Sounds nice..."
It's quiet for a while, quiet enough for Dongho to look over.
Jaewon's staring into his drink, eyes pained and sad and hurt and Dongho hates it.
alcohol's a depressant. why'd we get drunk?
But damn, you look good when your tears dry up
I hate to be the one to make your fears fire up
It's quiet in the company building this late. That's exactly why Dongho likes it, though. There's no one there except for himself, and it's peaceful and quiet and he can dance (if he wants to) without anyone seeing.
But, as he draws closer to the practice room, faint music comes tumbling through the closed door, and he freezes. Just for a second.
who'd be there? Daehyun's back at the dorm, and Minsoo's playing some game again, and...
Dongho pushes the door open, just a bit.
It's Jaewon. Jaewon, with his flaming red hair that just got redyed that morning, and too-thin shoulders that seem to be carrying the weight of the world, and—
he's crying. Even as he runs through MAYHEM's choreography— dances that they've already learned, that they've known and performed for months, dances that he doesn't need to practice— he's crying.
"...Jaewon-ah? Are you okay?"
His head shoots up, eyes wide and afraid and shining in the harsh lights of the studio. Jaewon's terrified.
"I'm... I'm fine, hyung." He wipes at his eyes quickly, and tries to give a reassuring smile.
Dongho's not persuaded. The door swings shut behind him, and he glances around the room. Jaewon's backpack sits on the floor, and his phone's laying facedown on the bench— it looks like it was thrown there.
The jacket Jaewon was wearing that morning is balled up next to his bag, and Dongho can't help but remember what happened that morning. The way that Jaewon hurried out of the dorm to some meeting with the CEO after another scandal, the way Minsoo had glared at him...
"You're... upset about how Minsoo was acting this morning, aren't you."
It's silent for a moment. Then two.
Jaewon wipes his eyes again. "...it's fine, hyung. He's just upset about the scandal. It's my fault..."
Dongho frowns. "...I thought you said they were misunderstandings...? The previous scandals, I mean. This one isn't real, is it?"
"...does it matter?"
"Yes?" Dongho stares at Jaewon incredulously. "Why wouldn't it? If they're fake, then Minsoo needs to apologize-"
"He doesn't, hyung."
"-and we need to talk to CEO Park about this. It's unacceptable for him to allow this to continue."
Jaewon fidgets with his sleeves for a second. His eyes won't meet Dongho's. "...it's fine. I'm fine. We... we don't need to talk to anyone."
"Are you sure?" Dongho waits for a response. There is none. "...Jaewon-ah, there's... something you're not telling me, isn't there."
He says nothing.
The song blaring through the speakers loops again.
And Dongho stands there, staring at Jaewon, watching as the masquerades and masks and walls all crumble away in front of him.
"...he uses them as promotion. For MAYHEM."
"What?"
"The scandals... they... they're not real," Jaewon says quietly. "They just put our name out there... 's why he hasn't stopped them..."
"And... you never told anyone?"
"Why would they believe me?" Jaewon laughs a bit, but it's so so cracked and fragile and Dongho hates it.
"...I believe you."
There's a moment where their eyes meet, and Jaewon— Jaewon, with tear tracks on his face and eyes glimmering so desperate for any sort of hope— gives a small, hopeful smile, the stress (or at least some of it) melting from his shoulders.
"Thank you."
I'll be outside when the sky falls down
Wanna get the fuck out this lonely town
At 7am, Jaewon was still asleep. In Daehyun's bunk.
Dongho glances at the clock again and just sighs.
"...goodbye, Wonnie. Stay safe." He ruffles Jaewon's hair carefully, and makes sure to close the door as quietly as possible.
His bags already sit waiting at the doorway. Two big suitcases, an overhead suitcase, and his backpack. The boxes of extra clothing had already been shipped to LA a couple weeks ago.
Dongho takes one last glance back down the hallway— at the empty dining room, the empty kitchen, the empty living room, the empty hallway— and slips his shoes on. After that, Jaewon's sneakers are the only ones left behind.
The hallway and the stairwell are both horribly silent. Eerily quiet for an apartment building this size. The sound of his bags thumping down the stairs is the only sound in the strange stillness, but maybe— just maybe— it's better that way.
The lobby is empty, aside from the property manager at the front desk, and when Dongho looks out the front doors, it's misting.
Grey clouds cover the sky, and the ground's damp, and it's so so dreary and sad and california will be warm and sunny.
Dongho pulls his phone out.
His taxi's supposed to arrive in 10 minutes.
He can wait out under the awning.
It's better than trying to hold onto this building, anyway.
All of these years, do you feel the same?
Chasing our ride in the pouring rain
Minsoo's got his arm slung around Daehyun's waist and they're both singing gleefully as they walk down the street. Maybe they're a bit tipsy.
Dongho smiles watching them. Next to him, deep purple hair hanging in his eyes, Jaewon smiles a bit. None of them have been smiling much lately. Especially since
"Ah! Is it raining?" Daehyun looks up, blinking a bit. His blond hair is quickly stuck to his forehead by the rain, and next to him, Minsoo's celebrating, dancing around and laughing.
"We should get to the bus, shouldn't we?" Jaewon says it quietly, voice soft enough that only Dongho hears.
They watch as Minsoo and Daehyun celebrate for a while, but finally Dongho just sighs.
"...the bus leaves in 5 minutes. We need to go."
Minsoo turns back, eyes wide. "Race you there!!"
"Minsoo, I-"
"Challenge accepted!!"
Dongho sighs, exasperated, and grabs Jaewon's hand. "We should probably run..."
Jaewon just nods, and pulls his hood up.
They dash through the rain, tailing Minsoo and Daehyun closely.
Only once does Dongho look back. And when he does, he sees Jaewon grabbing onto his hand.
And maybe it reminds him of that day so, so long ago now where Jaewon had the stalker, and he'd dragged Jaewon to his house, and Jaewon had looked so small and so not Wyld and Dongho's not sure how it took him so long to realize that those scandals— the same fucking scandals that are ripping them apart— were fakes.
"Hurry up, grandpa! It's not my fault you're old," Minsoo taunts, yelling back at the two trailing behind Daehyun
"I'm 28, you shrimp."
"Rude," Minsoo scoffs, pushing through another boost of speed.
Dongho laughs, slowing down just a bit as the bus stop comes into sight. His hair— fried and (probably) overbleached and white-blonde and plastered to his forehead and dripping into his eyes— feels like there's no chance of it ever properly drying. Behind him, Jaewon's in a similar state of soaking wet, his hoodie clinging to his skin, but his eyes are lit up in an odd glee that Dongho hasn't seen in years.
"You're gonna miss the bus," Daehyun yells.
"We're coming, Dae-yah," Dongho yells back. "C'mon, Won-ah."
Jaewon's eyes flick up at the nickname, but he doesn't comment on it. Instead, he just smiles and jogs a bit to make it to the bus stop.
Just as the bus pulls up and splashes water all over the sidewalk.
And MAYHEM.
Staying out late just to walk you home
Clinging to me like it's all you know
There's something to be said about the ambiance of city streets at night, Dongho thinks. Even more so when Jaewon's holding his hand.
It has to be late— close to 1 am, if Dongho had to guess— and he really doesn't want to think about the mess left at the dorm.
Both a physical and an emotional mess.
Daehyun's already packing his things, intending to move out the day after their final performance, and Minsoo's also starting to pack— he found an apartment just a few days ago, and the deposit's been paid already— and Dongho, too, has started to pack.
Not to mention the frequent arguments that have been happening. One of which led to tonight's drama— that being Jaewon running out of the dorm at 9:30 pm and not coming back for hours.
Dongho glances to Jaewon, at the red-rimmed eyes and messy, grown-out red hair— the stylists want to dye it purple— and squeezes his hand. "Minsoo didn't mean it, you know. He doesn't blame you."
"...why wouldn't he. It is my fault. I never should have told anyone."
They're in the middle of the sidewalk. Dongho doesn't care. Instead, he pulls Jaewon into a hug. "It's not your fault. I promise."
He hates the fact that it's all it takes for Jaewon to cry again. But he doesn't say anything. He just lets Jaewon cry into his chest, sobs racking his thin shoulders, and runs his fingers through Jaewon's damaged hair.
Dongho's sure the cars driving past are judging them, but he doesn't care.
He's tired, and Jaewon's sobbing into his hoodie, and they're going to be ripped apart sooner or later.
Can't they just hold each other for a while longer?
What do you desire?
What do you desire?
Daehyun leaves in the morning. Minsoo leaves two days after that. And Dongho's leaving on the official move-out date: two weeks from then.
He doesn't want to leave them. He doesn't want to go back to his family in LA— admittedly, they're only considered family by blood. He wants to stay with his family here. MAYHEM. They're his family.
He wishes they could have gotten an apartment together, one close to the coffee shop Jaewon likes and also nearby the subway, so that Minsoo and Daehyun could get to their jobs quickly.
Dongho just wishes he could stay in Seoul. He wishes so badly that it had been any other company offering the modeling job, wished it could have been in any city other than LA.
He just decides that fate isn't kind to him. It's the only explanation he can think of.
It's cruel enough to force him to watch as Minsoo and Daehyun pack their things, as Jaewon's suitcases sit in the corner of his room— he's going to start packing soon, isn't he?— and he has to watch his own pile of things, boxes and suitcases and bags, all fill up and empty the room he shares (shared? used to share?) with Minsoo.
It's just not fair that they're being ripped apart now, right as they're starting to make it big and finally— finally— get closer to each other. It just isn't fair.
The one time he wants something— and seemed to have it, for a moment— it gets ripped from his hands.
Dongho's knee bumps against Jaewon's in the back of the van.
I wish I never said anything.
He regrets it as soon as he thinks it.
And yet Dongho can't help but shake the feeling that if he had just kept his mouth shut, everything would be better.
Lately, I've been left out for dead
Caught between hits of your cigarette
It's quiet when it's just the two of them in the apartment. Dongho barely has to strain his ears to hear Jaewon quietly padding through the apartment and out to the balcony. He just sighs to himself a bit before getting up, quietly following Jaewon's footsteps.
Jaewon's sitting on the edge of the balcony when Dongho gets there, legs dangling through the railing as he goes through the motions of lighting a cigarette.
Dongho doesn't comment, simply sitting down next to him. Already, the acrid smoke smell burns at his lungs, but still, he says nothing.
"...aren't you going to tell me to stop or something?" Jaewon breaths out a puff of smoke, voice tired and emotionless.
"Do you want me to?"
"...no." Jaewon inhales another breath of smoke, dull eyes trained on the city below his dangling feet. "'s not good, I know that, but it makes me feel less empty."
Dongho sighs, resting his hand on Jaewon's knee. "I know you already said no to my offer, but... please reconsider... I'm worried about you."
"Don't be. I'll be fine." Jaewon smiles, and it's so, so brittle, just a fragile attempt at his usual cheery expression. "I've got your number, and Minsoo-hyung's, and Dae-yah's. I'll be fine."
"...alright. Pass me a cigarette, will you?"
Jaewon just nods, pulling one from the pack sitting on the balcony, and Dongho finally notices that the pattern on his lighter is a lot of little blue sharks.
"I didn't know you smoked, hyung."
"Well... I don't. Not anymore. Stopped when I was.... 23?"
"Ah."
It's quiet for a bit, just the two of them breathing in drags of smoke and breathing out clouds that blur with the ones covering the night sky.
"...have you found a place yet, Won-ah?"
Jaewon shakes his head. "I... might just move back in with my mom. Or I'll just get a hotel for a bit. Haven't decided yet..."
"Daehyun would probably be happy to let you stay with him for a while. You'd have to ask him, but-"
"I don't want to bother any of you guys. 've caused enough trouble..."
Dongho just sighs. "Really, I'm the one who caused trouble. Don't beat yourself up about it."
Ash falls down to the street below as Jaewon taps his cigarette against the railing. "Still. You wouldn't have had to say anything if I hadn't been a coward."
"You're not. The whole situation was just... it was fucked up. That bastard knew he had power over you, so he used it to keep you quiet." Dongho coughs on the smoke in his mouth, and Jaewon laughs a bit at the deformed clouds.
"...I guess you're right." Jaewon doesn't sound convinced. There's really not much more Dongho can say though.
They sit in silence, until Dongho snuffs out his cigarette butt against the railing and Jaewon's pulling out a second for himself.
"Don't stay out too late, Wonnie, it's supposed to get colder tonight," Dongho says, standing up and stretching his limbs.
"I won't," Jaewon mumbles.
Dongho ruffles the younger's messy faded red hair and slips back inside. He leaves the door open, a feeble attempt at enticing Jaewon to maybe come inside sooner rather than later.
By the time he does fall asleep, however, he still hasn't heard the door close.
If I'm honest, pretty sure I'm still
Alone, at loss for words, but still
Minsoo's trying so hard to keep the atmosphere cheerful. It's kind of hard, though, especially considering it's MAYHEM's last ever livestream together.
They've already gone through the important news. News like Daehyun and Minsoo and Dongho all opening personal Instagrams, and Minsoo starting a twitch channel, and Dongho moving to LA.
And now they're stuck in a horrible silence.
"Well... do... any of you have anything to say?"
Jaewon shakes his head, eyes not meeting the camera. Dongho doesn't say anything either.
Daehyun hesitates for a moment, but reaches for his guitar. "I could... I could play something?"
Minsoo smiles. "Sure. What's that band you like again?"
"5Proof! Ah... I think I used to see them busking when I was in middle school, so it's nice to see that they're doing well now." Daehyun strums his guitar, smiling when he hears that it's still tuned. "Hopefully I'll be able to play more now..."
Minsoo smiles— it's so strained and nearly broken looking— and nods a bit. "You should post covers now! I'm sure Mayniacs would love it."
Daehyun beams, strumming his guitar. He quickly launches into a cover of one of 5Proof's songs, and Dongho tries not to pay attention to the way Jaewon's shrunken in on himself again.
At least it's not so silent. At least they don't have to worry about talking now.
Minsoo's reading through the chat as Daehyun plays, and Dongho and Jaewon just listen.
"..."are you guys going to redebut somewhere?" Well... we... can't really say anything at the moment. But-"
"I'm leaving Korea. I don't plan on redebuting anywhere," Dongho interjects.
Daehyun keeps playing, but his grin's been subdued to a tight-lipped smile. Dongho doesn't bother to look at Jaewon and Minsoo's reactions. He knows they're not happy.
They're supposed to be—well, have been— a group. They're still together, still hanging out in High Class's break room.
But they're all so alone.
I've won and I've lost but I fell and I fucked it up
I've won and I've lost but I fell and I fucked it up
Usually, he'd sleep on a flight. Not this time though.
Dongho stays awake, eyes flicking from the window to the flight tracker on the back of the seat in front of him to the movie playing on his laptop and then back out the window.
It's dark outside. The moon's shining through the window, and the clouds look almost like a blanket of snow on the ground.
But the plane's over the ocean. And he's going to LA, where it never snows.
Maybe that's why he can't sleep. He's going back to LA. And he won't be leaving. He's going to hand the contract over to whoever it is from Solitech that comes to pick him up— it definitely won't be Jeongmin— and then he'll lose whatever freedom he ever had.
Jaewon's free, though. Isn't that worth it?
Dongho thinks it is.
Still, he's sure that Minsoo's upset (even if he says he's not), and even though Daehyun's gotten into SHC, he's sure that Daehyun's upset, too.
Dongho just sighs a bit, and settles back into his seat. His white-blond hair flops into his eyes.
It's quiet. It should be dark enough for him to sleep. He should be tired enough to sleep.
He doubts he can.
But damn, you look good in your photographs
Breaking my heart every time you laugh
The cameras are flashing and clicking away, just as they always do during photoshoots.
It's annoying. Still, Dongho wishes it would actually last forever. Then we won't have to leave each other.
Jaewon's up for solo photos now, his deep purple hair shining a beautiful violet under the hot studio lighting.
Minsoo and Daehyun— both already done with their shoots— stand off to the side to watch and cheer Jaewon on. Dongho stands near the monitor, watching as the photos get displayed on the huge screen.
They're beautiful.
Gauzy butterflies rest on Jaewon's face, and there's a soft glow that seems to radiate from his skin. The stylists gave him glitter tears— fitting, seeing as it's their last photoshoot— and sparkling eyeshadow, and jeweled earrings shine in the lights.
Jaewon's beautiful.
"Pose like a drag queen," Minsoo shouts. "I know you can!"
Jaewon bursts into laughter, eyes crinkling up into half-moons.
"You can do it, hyung!"
"Aish... it's not the concept, Dae-yah," Jaewon laughs.
Dongho just laughs to himself, shaking his head as he stares out at the set— at Jaewon— fondly.
I don't want to leave you.
Now that you're free, do you feel alright
Downing these shots with another guy
Dongho stares at his phone, trying to ignore the way the stylists— loud American women with frighteningly long nails (just like his mom used to have, nails that would scratch at his cheek every time he messed up)— are doing his makeup and hair.
He can't stop reading the headline, can't stop looking at the photo attached.
"Ex-MAYHEM Member Wyld Caught at Gay Bar."
As much as Dongho wants to believe that it's fake, that they got the wrong person, he can't deny that Jaewon's hair is the same purple color as in the picture, he can't deny that Jaewon owns that shirt— a custom split-color button up— and he definitely can't deny that Jaewon's kissing someone.
A taller man, with slicked-back black hair and wearing a leather jacket over his black turtleneck.
"Oh! ...is that you in that picture? With the turtleneck?"
Dongho jumps a bit, turning to face the stylist who had asked. "...no?"
She frowns at the photo, but eventually nods, bleach-blonde hair swaying in its curls. "You two look very similar— I've seen what you look like with black hair— and you normally dress like that..." She trails off, eyes drifting to the clothing rack that Dongho's street clothes— a black turtleneck, leather jacket, and dress pants— hang from. "That is one of your groupmates, though? The purple-haired one, I mean?"
"...yes. That's one of my groupmates. Is that an issue?"
"No! Not an issue at all, sir."
God does Dongho hate this. He hates the way people treat him like he's some sort of easily-offended prince, he hates the way none of the staff here meet his eyes or try to act like they and he could ever be anything more than just employee and employer— he was friends with some of the staff at High Class.
He hates the fact that Jaewon's stuck trying to find someone who looks like him back in Seoul, and if it weren't for that stupid contract (and the security guards and cameras and tracker on his phone and they took his driver's license) he'd get the first flight back to Jaewon.
To home.
I know you've moved on, just know that I'm trying
Anything it takes to feel alright
The dorm's oddly quiet now that Minsoo's gone.
Jaewon sits at the table, staring blankly at the wood pattern. He doesn't even look up when Dongho sits down across from him.
"Jaewon-ah, you're doing alright?"
"Oh-" Jaewon looks up, startled. "Yeah... yeah I'm fine. Why are you asking?"
Dongho bites his lip. "I... already asked this. Well... I asked everyone. Do you want to come to LA with me?"
"W-what?" Jaewon laughs nervously. "Why... why would you ask me?"
"You're good company," Dongho shrugs. "Plus I'd get to show you around LA, I know you wanted to do more sightseeing when we were there for KFest."
"...I did. You... you really don't want me to come with you. It won't be good press..."
"You don't need to worry about that anymore," Dongho reminds gently. "It'll be fine. If anything, people will be happy to see you moving on-"
"I'm not just going to forget about this, hyung." Jaewon's voice is oddly harsh, eyes cold as he stares at Dongho. "Please don't act like I can just... forget two years at the drop of a hat."
"...I'm sorry."
It's quiet for a moment— a long moment— and Jaewon reaches a hand out hesitantly. "...you don't need to apologize. I shouldn't have snapped at you..."
"It's ok. Really. I... I shouldn't have said that..."
"...it's fine, hyung. I... I'm not sure about LA, though. 'm sorry..."
Dongho just nods, holding Jaewon's hand. "That's ok. We've got two weeks. Just... let me know if you make a choice, yeah?"
Jaewon only nods.
And Dongho clings onto that with too much hope.
For you
Yeah, I've heard it all and made mistakes
He's not sure why his parents let him keep the ice-blond hair. It's expensive to keep up maintenance on, he has to get his roots rebleached every other week—
oh. That's why.
Dongho's aware he's just a status symbol for Solitech— something for the public to look at, to see the Kang's successful ex-idol son with his ice-blond hair— and it's made even more clear at his first photo shoot for them.
Sure, there are Solitech products absolutely littered across the entire set, but his entire outfit— the earrings, the necklace, the shirt, the suit, the shoes— are all custom designer pieces, the kind of stuff he used to think idols wore.
He learned the truth the hard way, through 10 years of training and 2 years of performing.
It's stiflingly hot under the studio lighting. Dongho tries to tug at the neck of his sweater without anyone noticing, but—
"Back in position, Dongho."
His mom stands just to the side of the camera, eyes trained on Dongho like a hawk.
Her nails are long again. Long and a bloody crimson that reminds Dongho far too much of Jaewon's— Wyld's, really— old hair.
He simply nods.
The phone in his hands— one of Solitech's newest, lightest models— feels like it weighs a ton in his hand.
He says nothing, and smiles for the camera.
Oh, I wonder
Are we a work of art
The air conditioner in the corner hums quietly, and Dongho gazes out of the window for a second. The night sky is beautiful, deep blues and purples swirling together. Maybe, if the lights of downtown weren't so bright, he'd be able to see stars from where he lays on the hotel bed.
Jaewon lays next to him, dim eyes trained on the ceiling, and then he rolls over to gaze at Dongho. "...you're pretty, hyung. 's no wonder they want you to be a model..." Jaewon's drunk. Well, tipsy. Definitely not sober.
The same could be said for Dongho.
That's how they ended up in this mess, anyway. That's how they ended up checking into a hotel (well, Dongho did, and he used the money his parents sent him) and it's how they ended up curled up in the same bed and how they both look disheveled.
"You're pretty too, Wonnie," Dongho says quietly, and he knows it's just the alcohol, but he traces his fingers across Jaewon's collarbone anyway, running over the marked-up skin.
"...you love me, right?"
Dongho doesn't think about it. "Yes. Why?"
"Kiss me," Jaewon says, and his eyes are dark and sad and pleading and his lips are still puffy from earlier. "Please. Don' wanna think about you leaving..."
Dongho's heart aches as he leans forward, as Jaewon melts into the gentle touch of his hands, and he knows his eyes are just as sad as Jaewon's, but he's too drunk to care.
Too drunk to think about how much this will hurt them later.
He leaves in a week.
"I love you, Jaewon-ah. I love you."
I know we'll suck at making plans
In the end, you'll understand
Dongho doesn't quite understand why there are so many press and paparazzi for the release of a new phone. Surely, tech isn't that interesting, right?
His mom mentioned more interest for this release. Probably because he's there.
I'm just a marketing tool now. It's fine! Jaewon's safe! This is fine!
His driver took his phone this morning. It's close to 4 pm now, and Dongho's spent practically the whole day trying— begging his brain, really— to zone out while stylists and makeup artists and Solitech employees rush around to prepare for this release.
Still, he's itching to talk to someone. Minsoo or Daehyun or Jaewon or... well, that's everyone he's got, besides his parents and Jeongmin.
"Stop slouching." His mom walks in, high heels clicking against the floor.
Dongho knows he isn't slouching, but he sits up straighter regardless.
"I don't want you talking to any reporters tonight. Not unless your father or I tell you to. Am I understood?"
"...yes. I'll just be following you?"
She nods sharply, dark hair swinging behind her as she walks back out of the break room Dongho's sitting in.
He's left alone for a few precious moments before the driver comes back. "I'm driving you to the event now, sir."
Dongho manages a small nod, and follows the driver— a taller man in his early 40's, if he had to guess— out to the same car that dropped him off here this morning.
"Your phone's in the back. Mrs. Kang instructed me to tell you not to use it until this is over."
"Understood."
Dongho hates this. He feels disgusting for even signing that damn contract, for ever thinking this could help anyone besides his parents.
He slips his phone into his pocket regardless, and stares out the window. There's ads everywhere. A few are for Solitech.
Of course, it's only now that he's able to zone out. He blinks, it seems, and he's suddenly subject to the flash of cameras and reporters yelling questions and fans screaming and— god, they have lightsticks.
Down the walkway, Mrs. Kang glares back at Dongho— long nails danger— and he nods in understanding.
His lips stay sealed as he walks up to his parents, and he tries not to flinch as his mom places a hand on his shoulder.
Cameras flash.
Dongho stays emotionless and blank— it's easier than trying to smile without it looking awkward— and simply lets his mom move him down the path, lets her decide where he should stand.
And then someone asks his parents about the new phone and their eyes light up and before Dongho knows it, he's ended up a good 100 feet ahead of them.
He looks out at the crowd— press, fans, paparazzi, more fans, a reporter that Dongho's sure recorded the video of him spilling the truth about Jaewon's scandals— and tries to simply smile politely and wave.
The reporter's getting closer to the barricade.
Dongho stares at her for a moment. Why is she here?
More cameras flash.
She gets closer.
Their eyes meet.
"Kang Dongho, correct?"
I'm not supposed to talk to reporters, Mom's going to be mad, I can't-
"How are you doing after the death of one of your ex-groupmates?"
"What?" Dongho stares, horror slowly dawning on his face.
"Were you not aware?"
"No, I've been busy preparing for this, I-"
"So you weren't told that Ahn Jaewon committed suicide this morning?"
Time seems to stop.
Dongho stares back, fully aware that this is the only emotion he's shown all night, that people are going to assume things, that Solitech's going to have issues because of him, his parents are going to be mad—
Jaewon's dead. He can't be.
Dully, he registers that someone's talking to him. Someone. It doesn't matter.
The crowd's all just a blur of colour-face-colour-light-camera-microphone and Dongho doesn't care.
Jaewon's dead.
Maybe, if he cared enough to focus on anything, he'd hear his parents talking to him, asking the reporter what was said, trying to get him to say something.
Eventually, he's handed off to a security guard. Two guards. They pull him off the path, away from the sight of the press, back to the car.
Dongho doesn't care.
They ask him questions.
He doesn't reply.
He just follows whatever instructions they give him, let them push him into the back of the car.
One of them sits in the passenger's seat up front.
It sounds like he and the driver are underwater. Their conversation— something about a publicity risk, someone needs supervision— is all blurred together.
Dongho just stares at the back of the seat in front of him.
Somehow, he ends up at home. His apartment. In his bed. It's dark and quiet and cold and everything aches.
He pulls his phone out.
81 missed texts
5 voicemails
16 missed calls
Minsoo and Daehyun and only three texts from Jaewon.
One of the three is in their groupchat.
The rest are from the others, confirming he's dead.
Minsoo waited at the hospital. Waited for good news. There was none.
Dongho opens the groupchat.
———
MAYHEM
Jaewon
I'm sorry. This is all my fault. I never should have told anyone, then no one would have known. It's because of me that we had to disband, and I'm so sorry. I never wanted any of this. I'd give anything to fix this, to never tell anyone, to keep this better hidden. I'm sorry. Please don't hate me. I just wanted to be happy.
Daehyun
hyung?
hyung what's happening
jaewon, where are you?
Minsoo
jaewon
what are you doing
don't do anything, i'm going to call you
PICK UP
JAEWON PICK UP
———
Jaewon
Hi Dongho-hyung. I hope LA's nice -w- I hope you aren't mad at me... and that you understand why I didn't want to go with you. I didn't want you to have to deal with this. That wouldn't be fair to you. If we get to see each other again, in another life or in heaven or something, would we be able to go to sightseeing? I know you wanted to take me. I'm sure you figured out by now why I didn't really want to go to LA. I like you. I have for a while. You don't need someone like me with you.
please don't hate me. I didn't want to hurt you. I hope I didn't. I'm sorry, hyung. I love you, Dongho.
Dongho
I'll take you sightseeing, Wonnie-yah
I promise
I'll take you to the diner I went to growing up.
You'll love it.
Just wait for me, ok?
I love you, Jaewon.
not delivered!