Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Well,” Weiss bit out as she paced back and forth across the dorm, “despite it’s … everything, this still managed to provide much more information than the list.”

Blake scowled, unwilling to give the travesty any credit. Yang’s eyes still hadn’t moved from where her drawing had first appeared in the video. Ruby nodded reluctantly. Penny nodded less reluctantly.

“But only up until volume three, and it doesn’t even acknowledge there are any seasons beyond five.” The redhead offered up.

“Still more coherent than the list. And it has given us a rough idea of what important characters look like that we haven’t met with. I…” Weiss looked down at the notebook she had abandoned when she started pacing. “I didn’t take enough notes.”

Blake’s ears flicked back. “You want us to watch it again.” Weiss cringed, but nodded.

“I think it can wait till after lunch.” Ruby cut in decisively. “Give us some time to process it’s, uh, aggressively non-positive approach to certain topics.”

Her eyes flicked to Blake in acknowledgement, before quickly sliding back to her sister’s frozen form. Blake reached out to lay a comforting hand on Yang’s shoulder, before a certain scene from the video popped into her mind and she hesitated, blushing. Somehow magic interdimensional videos from the future prophesizing a romantic relationship added a certain weight to physical interaction. Which was stupid. The video made Jacques Schnee sound like a faunus rights activist. But the list had predicted the future, and the video had hit several of the same ideas…

Ruby stepped in while Blake was still contemplating the implications and lightly touched Yang’s right shoulder. And then immediately thanked her speed semblance for protecting her hand from the Yang sized projectile suddenly leaping away from the touch to the far corner of the dorm, taking one of the beds with her as she went.

The other three members of team RWBY peered over the edge of the upturned bed to look at Yang. The blonde held her hand up, flexing the flesh.

“I guess it makes sense I’d lose my right arm. Totally what I favor on offense.” She looked over at her teammates. “The new one looked pretty cool right? I suppose that’s one way around dad’s no tattoos rule.” She didn’t manage to reach her usual levels of airy dismissal, but even an attempted joke was encouraging at this point.

“And strong too.” Ruby added, the happy glint of weapons engineering slipping into her eyes. “It’d need reinforcement to use Ember Cecelia the same way, but if you’re already going that far no reason to have them even be separate items, which frees up so much space for extra ammo, different dust rounds, oooh even an alternative firing mode.”

Yang silenced Ruby’s rambles by placing a finger to her lips.

“I’d rather keep all my limbs, regardless of how many cool ideas you might have for a metal one.”

“Atlasian military prosthetics are sufficiently advanced that most users report no noticeable decrease in functionality.” Penny reported, reminding the rest of the room she’d been there the whole time. Her eyes narrowed in thought as she slowly continued. “Unless… nuts and bolts are inferior to squishy guts?”

This prompted a chorus of assurances to the contrary, and an encouraging hug from Ruby.

“Ah. That was an attempt humor. Like Yang.” Penny did not attempt to extract herself from the hug in any way. “I certainly would not want to trade any portions of my body without proper preparation and forethought. And understand from General Ironwood that most people consider the loss quite unpleasant.”

“Probably a bit of an understatement there,” Yang chuckled, before holding her arm up to fist bump Penny. “But hey, if we do screw up bad enough I need one, guess I’ll be in good company. Even say we’d be sisters in arms!”

“Hey!” Ruby pouted at Yang for a moment, before a new train of thought intruded, leading her to glance at her off hand.

“Nope!” Yang swept Ruby onto her shoulder, making her way towards the door. “We already had this conversation when you were ten, Sis.”

“But Yannnnng, my arm could also be a gunnn.”

“New team rule, nobody crosses the meat/metal divide until they’re 18!”

“And conveniently, Yang’s nearly 18, right?” Weiss scoffed.

Yang spun around to shoot finger guns and a wink in response.

“Technically, my skin means I already cross the meat/metal divide.” Penny solemnly informed them. “Though if you count from the beginning of the project to create synthetic lifeforms capable of generating aura, rather than my own initial activation then I would pass the criteria.”

“It's more about changing the ratio, I think. In any case, try not to lose any of your skin, or grow any extra.” Weiss offered as she and Blake followed Yang towards the hallway door.

“And somehow, the skin conversation is still better for my appetite than what we were talking about before.” Yang sighed. As Blake pulled their dorm door shut the blonde continued, “So I was… kinda distracted. What was that bit with Uncle Qrow turning into a bird actually about?”

Chapter Text

Penny looked around the dorm room. "Would it be possible for me to borrow the scroll temporarily?" she asked. "I would like to attempt to gain more information about its origins."

"How?" Yang asked.

Penny picked up the scroll. "I can check the device storage for deleted files," she explained. Upon seeing the looks of confusion, she elaborated. "If there were any files on this device that were deleted, but their memory locations were not overwritten, I can reverse-engineer the pointers and try to recover them."

Team RWBY exchanged looks, then shrugged in unison. "It can't hurt, I suppose," Weiss said.

"Thank you for your support, friend Weiss!"

After a brief hour of discussion and speculation on what they already knew, Penny looked up with a beaming smile. "Good news, friends!" she told them, "I have managed to recover some video files from the memory drive of this scroll."

Everyone snapped to attention. "Videos?" Weiss asked, "that seems very useful. A lot more than memes, anyway."

"That's amazing!" Ruby added.

"Thank you," Penny replied demurely. "They are odd, however. The files are titled strangely."

"What are the titles?" Yang asked.

Penny showed them the screen of the scroll. On the display, they could see a short list of file names. ‘RWBY_V1_intro' was the first, followed by ‘RT RWBYv2opening' and seven others.

"Intro…" Blake said, then came to a realisation. "These must be opening titles. If this is a show about us, then it would likely have some sort of opening titles. The ‘V1' must be referring to volume 1."

"Why are there only eight of them?" Weiss asked.

Penny was the one to reply. "Unfortunately, I was not able to recover anything after the eighth video file," she apologised, "the data had been overwritten."

"Well, it's better than nothing," Yang said. "Let's watch them."

The five girls sat down more comfortably so they could see the scroll's screen clearly while Penny fiddled around with the device. "I assume we will start watching from the beginning?"

"Yes," Ruby said.

Volume 1:

[Rooster Teeth presents]

"There's the Rooster Teeth people again," Blake pointed out. "They must be the studio who make the show."

Weiss narrowed her eyes. "Who names a company Rooster Teeth?" she asked.

[Ruby, seen from the back, petals flowing off her.]

"So it is animated…" Weiss noted, still sounding surprised.

"Is that you?" Yang asked Ruby.

"It looks like me," the younger girl replied. "That music sounds familiar, though."

[Ruby, side view]

"Definitely Ruby," Blake said.

"You look good animated, sis," Yang teased.

[They see you as small and helpless]

"Oh, that's where I know it from," Ruby said.

"What?" Weiss asked.

"The music," the red-hooded girl replied. "It's from that song I told you about, This Will Be the Day."

"You didn't tell me about this song," Penny said.

"One of the memes was a line from the song," Ruby explained. "We didn't think it was important."

The robot girl unpaused the video, then paused it again as she heard a gasp from Ruby and Yang.

"Is that..?" Blake asked, looking at the white-cloaked figure.

"Summer…" Yang answered.

[They see you as just a child/Surprise when they find out that a warrior will soon run wild]

"With all these pauses, I can't follow the song," Weiss complained. "If there's anything important in the lyrics, we might miss it."

"I am transcribing the song as we are listening, friend Weiss," Penny assured her. "I will tell you the lyrics later."

[Prepare for your greatest moment]

"There's the title," Blake pointed out.

[Prepare for your finest hour]

"Hey, Weiss!" Ruby said, snapped out of the shock of seeing Summer.

The Schnee heiress examined her animated rendition with a critical eye. "It is not a poor facsimile," she admitted. "Though seeing myself animated like this is very odd."

"Is it just me, or is the animation not very good?" Ruby asked hesitantly.

"Well," Yang replied, "we know Potato is a meme."

"That's disappointing," Weiss remarked.

[The dream that you've always dreamed]

"Blake!" Yang cheered.

Blake frowned. "I think I know what this must be about," she said. "I must be-"

"What's that on top of the moon?" Ruby asked.

Everyone looked.

"It appears to be a face in a mask," Penny said. "I believe I recognise the mask, in fact."

"Adam…" Blake hissed.

Weiss chose not to comment, but she made sure to memorise the patterns on the mask just in case.

[is suddenly about to flower]

"Yang!" Ruby pointed out, a touch belatedly after realising no one else was going to.

"That's Vale," Yang said, "so this must be…" She winced.

"What?" Weiss asked.

"I… don't want to talk about it," Yang said. "Sorry."

[We are lightning]

"The Grimm and…" Blake noted.

"Roman Torchwick," Ruby and Penny supplied simultaneously.

"Yes," Blake pointed out, "I remember him from the docks."

[Straying from the thunder]

"That's the woman from the Bullhead," Ruby said, "the one with Torchwick."

"She has friends," Yang said.

"One boy, one girl," Penny noted.

"Good to know," Weiss replied.

[Miracles of ancient wonder]

"Whole Team!" Ruby cheered.

[This will be the day we've waited for]

The five girls looked at the scene with a critical eye. "They correctly showed our combat styles," Weiss noted.

[This will be the day we open up the door/I don't wanna hear your absolution/Hope you're ready for a revolution]

The next bit was watched without many pauses.

"JNPR," Yang said unnecessarily, "I guess they're also important?"

"They don't have personal introductions like us," Blake pointed out. "I guess that makes them… secondary characters?"

The girls considered that.

"Let's not tell Jaune or Pyrrha that," Ruby suggested.

"Agreed."

[Welcome to a world of new solutions/Welcome to a world of bloody evolution]

"Headmaster Ozpin and Professor Goodwitch," Penny said. "They must be side characters as well?"

"This doesn't show any of the other professors," Blake said, narrowing her eyes. "Not Port, or Oobleck, or Peach."

"I suppose the head and deputy of the Academy faculty are more important than random teachers." Weiss waved it off. "I'm sure the professors show up in the show proper. I can't imagine they could make a show about us without including Professor Oobleck, or Professor Mulberry."

[In time, your heart will open minds/A story will be told/And victory is in a simple soul]

"And that's that. Just showing all of us again and then the title," Yang said.

"It's still very strange to see myself animated like this," Weiss noted, "right?"

The four members of team RWBY shuddered. "Yes," Ruby answered. "It's weird."

"So what did we find out?" Yang asked.

"Honestly? Not much," Blake admitted. "It just seemed to show all of us, and we already know who we are."

"It is only the first volume," Penny pointed out, "logically, the first volume acts as an introduction to the characters and plot. I am sure future volumes will be more informative."

"Besides, we know that the woman I fought has two people with her," Ruby said.

Weiss was silent for a moment. "Do you think that woman was Cinder?" she asked. "She seemed to have a flame motif."

"Are you judging people based on their names?" Yang teased.

"It's logical," Blake came to Weiss's defense. "We know, or think we know, that Cinder is an antagonist. We know that Ruby fought this woman, and that she had a flame motif – which would fit the name Cinder."

"Thank you, Blake," Weiss said. She turned to Penny. "Was there anything useful in the song lyrics?"

Penny helpfully recited the song.

"It makes sense as the opening for a show," Blake said thoughtfully. "It is obviously about the beginning of the hero's journey."

"The words ‘Welcome to a world' also imply introduction," Weiss added. "it even says, ‘a story will be told'. I'm wondering about the statement ‘Victory is in a simply soul', however."

Yang was quick to reply. "Maybe it means Jaune will be the hero in the end," she joked.

"Yang," Ruby swatted at her with a smile, "that's mean. Jaune is nice."

"I have a secondary concern," Penny said. "I looked up the song when I had the opportunity."

"What is it?" Ruby asked.

"The song has a second verse."

The four girls listened as Penny turned on an audio recording from her personal scroll.

"That's… ominous," Weiss could only say.

"Why do you like this song?" Yang asked Ruby.

"I didn't know it had a second verse!" the younger girl replied.

"Legends scatter. Day and night will sever. Hope and peace are lost forever." Blake repeated. "The last part is obvious, but what about the first two?"

"I don't know," Yang answered. "But it doesn't sound good."

Weiss turned to Penny. "We need to see the opening for volume two and three," she decided. "At least. We learned more from this than we did from the memes for Volume 1."

Chapter Text

Penny had sucessfully salvaged yet another video file from the scroll. While at first the teams were very much excited at the prospect, the reality of what it was... well...

"What Your Favorite RWBY Ship Says About You?" Ruby read aloud, somewhat unsettled.

"That is what it says," Penny confirmed.

The five gathered girls paused in distress. Any information was good information, right? But the idea of their love lives, laid bare before them... it was unnerving.

"We shouldn't do it," Weiss declared.

Yang disagreed, "Aw, c'mon Ice Queen! It's not like it'll be anything serious. It's a joke video. And maybe you'll learn who you end up with. Eh, eh?" The brawler punctuated her inquiries with a few nudges with her elbow.

"I... kind of agree with Weiss," Blake countered. "I've got some baggage I'd rather not address this way, and... well, you have to know what's going to happen."

"What?" Ruby asked.

The faunus girl sighed. "They're going to ship us with each other."

And that revelation quickly brought a blush to everyone's faces. Save Penny, who was not capable of such a thing, though the sentiment was shared.

Ruby quickly took charge again. "I'm not saying it won't be... weird," as she spoke her eyes briefly darted to both a certain heiress and a certain gynoid, "But I think it's worth looking into just to be safe. At very least we might learn the names of important people."

"We wouldn't have found Penny otherwise," Weiss conceded.

"So, should I set it up?" Penny asked.

The four girls looked to each other, and with a brief pause, they ultimately nodded.

Penny took the tablet and set it into a larger projection mode, allowing the girls to watch more easily without huddling around one another. Given the subject matter, this seemed preferable.

The video began rather simply. A brief title card, classical music in the background before the madness began. The format seemed to-the-point. A presenter on the right, and a small graphic to the left to indicate which ship they were referring to. They spoke in a mostly neutral tone, very matter-of-fact, without snark or judgement.

But they did not pull their punches. Right out of the gate:

Bumbleby (Blake/Yang) "You want to get railed by Yang Xiao Long."

Weiss's eyes went wide as Ruby made a horrified noise. Penny quirked her head to the side, somewhat unfamiliar with the term. However, she did have enough context to know it would probably be rude to ask.

The two people in question, for their part had gone rather quiet. Yang hesitated to even look at her partner, her eyes immediately having been drawn to the floor. "I changed my mind," she muttered, "this was a bad idea."

"No, no, no," Weiss protested, "we all had to hear it, we're not backing off after one."

"But..." the thoroughly embarrassed brawler began.

"No buts!" Weiss shot back.

"Yang," Ruby interjected, "just... let's get through this."

Yang finally looked toward Blake, who seemed to have shut down. "Blake...?"

"I'm fine," she finally replied. "Keep playing."

"Are you sure?" Penny asked.

"I'm sure. Still..."

The others paused.

Blake smirked. "Weird they'd think you'd wear the pants in that relationship."

Yang was taken aback. "Wha-hey! C'mon, I...!"

Revitalized with a fit of giggles, Ruby turned to Penny, "Keep going."

"Got it!" The ginger gynoid obliged.

White Rose (Weiss/Ruby) "Regardless of what anime you're watching, your favorite character is always the tsundere."

"Tsundere?" Weiss asked.

"Didn't you mention something like that, Blake?" Yang recalled.

Blake nodded and began to explain, "Old Mistrali term. Tsunderes are characters who act mean or dismissive outwardly, but deep down, truly care about the other person in question. Usually characterized by the use of the phrase," she briefly adjusted her physicality to glance away from the others before saying, "'It's not like I like you or anything, stupid.'"

Yang laughed, "Yep, that's Weiss."

"Hey!"

Ruby smiled. "It's okay, Weiss. Be as tsundere as you want. I know you care."

"Shut up! No, I don't!" Weiss countered, unwittingly taking the same physicality as Blake from a moment ago.

The ensuing laughter did not help her case.

Monochrome (Weiss/Blake) "You think RWBY hasn't been good since Volume 3."

This only served to confuse.

"Do we... not spend as much time together after the Vytal Festival?" Weiss asked the catgirl.

Blake shrugged. "We have no way of knowing. Can't imagine why not."

"We still aren't certain that's what Volume 3 refers to, correct?" Penny asked.

"It feels like a safe bet, but... dunno." Yang admitted.

Freezerburn (Weiss/Yang) "You think RWBY peaked at Volume 5."

That definitely got some attention.

"What happens in Volume 5?" Weiss wondered aloud.

Yang pounced, "You don't remember?! Our night of passion? I bore my soul to you!"

"Oh, hush!"

Ladybug (Ruby/Blake) "You're just happy to be here."

The two in question looked at one another.

"I mean," the reaper pondered, "I guess we don't hang out super often."

"And no offense," Blake replied, "but this isn't encouraging me otherwise."

"It'd be a dumb reason, yeah, but... if it's noticeable, I don't want you thinking you're less of a friend to me," Ruby pointed out.

"Hey, no chance of that. Don't worry," Blake reassured her.

Penny smiled. "I'm glad everyone's getting along."

"And now we know what Penny ships," Yang joked.

Pollination (Ruby/Weiss/Blake/Yang) "You're just... really horny."

Blake was the only one to react. With a sigh. "Because of course the answer is to just have them all get together."

Penny quirked an eyebrow, "I'm not deeply familiar with relationships, but I would think a four-person group would only serve to make things more complicated, not less."

"Why's it called Pollination?" Ruby asked, trying to puzzle it out.

"A Bumbleby coming to a White Rose?" Weiss guessed.

"The ship names are pretty on-point," Yang commented.

Enabler (Ruby/Yang) "You are absolutely fucking thrilled about this whole 'stepsister porn' trend."

And that was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Ruby was absolutely mortified, as Yang stood up in disgust. "What is WRONG with people?!" she asked no one in particular.

The other three were deeply unsettled as well, but Blake ventured forward, "Well, there is some good news..."

"What?" Ruby asked, barely cognizant.

"Logically there are no further inter-team pairings within Team RWBY," Penny noted. "The most embarassing phase of this is over."

"Not for you," Weiss pointed out.

Penny thought about this momentarily. She had yet to be mentioned. "All the more reason to keep going, then."

Lancaster (Ruby/Jaune) "You are heterosexual."

The light-hearted nature of this one served to rally the spirits of the viewers.

"I mean," Ruby mumbled, "If I was into guys, maybe, but... eh."

"Jaune's nice, but..." Blake struggled to finish the sentence.

"He's more like a boy who is a friend, than a boyfriend," Ruby concluded.

"Good," Yang noted. "I won't have to clock him."

White Knight (Weiss/Jaune) "You are extremely heterosexual."

This one led to full on laughter.

"Not..." Yang started to say, gasping for breath, "Not just heterosexual, but extremely!"

"So heterosexual you can only walk in a straight line," Blake joked.

"So heterosexual that you can't bring yourself to wear more than one color at a time," Weiss added.

"So..." Ruby trailed off, "um... So heterosexual that... I got nothing."

"So heterosexual that you write a 13-page thesis on why you aren't gay, without realizing just how many innuendos you inadvertantly included therein?" Penny attempted.

"Little too wordy," Yang critiqued.

The robot frowned. "Darn."

Arkos (Pyrrha/Jaune) "You just wanted good things for Pyrrha. And really... who wouldn't?"

Weiss quirked an eyebrow. "I'd think that would be the other way around."

"Weiss, c'mon," Ruby protested, "Yeah, Jaune's not perfect, but you know he'd be good to Pyrrha."

"I'm not arguing that," the heiress replied, "I'm just saying Pyrrha could probably do better."

"GIANTCRUSH!" Yang coughed.

"Shush!"

Blake smirked, "Yeah, it's not like she likes her or anything, stupid."

Weiss fumed, all the while hoping she and Pyrrha wouldn't be listed amongst the ships.

Renora (Ren/Nora) "Renora is the Mr. Rogers of RWBY ships. Wholesome and uncontroversial. You just want everyone to be nice to each other and have a fun time."

"I don't know who Mr. Rogers is," Penny noted, "but if that is what that means, I suppose I would ship that."

"Wouldn't expect them to get with anyone else," Yang agreed.

"Nora always says they're not 'together together'," Weiss added, "but they may as well be. I'm more miffed Team JNPR's getting nice ones while we got... well, what we got."

"They're less complicated then we are," Blake argued, "at least on the surface. They're essentially a double-date."

"Oh, that'd be really sweet!" Ruby said, beginning to picture it.

Black Sun (Blake/Sun) "You think Sun is hot and funny and you had no tolerance for Yangst."

And the good vibes were gone.

"Sorry my pain is such a problem for people," Yang scoffed.

Blake put her hand on Yang's shoulder, "I'm not gonna run off with some guy just because you're sad."

"And you can definitely do better than him," Weiss added.

"Oh, no question," the catgirl agreed.

"I think Sun's funny," Ruby commented, trying to throw the faunus boy a bone.

Penny turned to face her. "And hot?"

Ruby shrugged. "Not really into muscly-types."

Sea Monkeys (Neptune/Sun) "You are a firm believer in the inherent eroticism of bromances."

The good vibes were back.

"It's not like there isn't any..." Blake argued.

Yang chuckled and affected a macho tone. "Bro, you're the best, bro. Not like that, bro. But sorta like that, bro."

"I can picture Sun saying that!" Blake squealed in laughter.

Snowbird (Winter/Qrow) "You are a firm believer in the inherent eroticism of bitter rivalries."

"Huh," Ruby remarked. "Has your sister ever even met Uncle Qrow?"

"She could have," Weiss thought. "She's never mentioned it."

"Is she anything like you?" Yang asked.

"A bit," the heiress remarked.

"Oh, then she and Qrow would hate each other," Yang concluded.

"And like any fandom," Blake added, "it turns into 'fight, fight, fight, kiss, kiss!'"

Weiss shook her head in exasperation. "Speaking of which, Penny, have you ever met Winter?"

"Only once or twice, in passing," the gynoid recalled. "She's very professional."

"Yeah, Uncle Qrow would not like her," Ruby agreed.

Baked Alaska (Yang/Neo) "You are a firm believer in the inherent eroticism of height differences."

"So we finally know what they look like," Weiss noted, referring to the brief picture shown to highlight the height difference. "And she is tiny."

"Geez, she might be shorter than you, Ice Queen," Yang said, giving the image a once over.

"What's Baked Alaska mean?" Ruby asked.

"Baked Alaska is an ice-cream dish topped with sponge cake and meringue, that is then cooked long enough to caramelize without melting the ice cream. Some variants then proceed to flambé the dish," Penny explained, calling upon her internal database. "This is likely in reference to Yang's fire thematic and this Neo seeming to be named for Neapolitan ice cream."

"That sounds really good," the reaper remarked.

"It's also really expensive," Weiss countered, "A single serving would cost as much as a full set of new dust rounds."

"Whoa!" Ruby exclaimed. "It better be good, then."

"And how often have you had this little treat, Weiss?" Blake remarked.

"It was only a special occassion thing," the rich girl argued. "But yeah, it's really good."

Yang was stuck on one last detail. "What's Alaska?"

Crosshares (Coco/Velvet) "You are a firm believer in ignoring the main cast in favor of cool-looking side characters."

"I have done that before," Blake remarked.

"I know Coco's gay," Yang recalled, "but I don't think she and Velvet have ever been a thing."

"Is she gay or bi?" Weiss questioned.

"Would it matter? Penny inquired back.

"No," the heiress defended, "but she's outwardly flirty, so I wasn't sure if the other flirtations were jokes or not."

Ruby then decided to take after her sister and coughed out, "GIANTCRUSH!"

Weiss remained unfazed by this one. "Not especially."

Changing Colors (Ilia/Blake) "You just wanted good things for Ilia. And really... who wouldn't?"

Blake's eyes widened.

"Who is Ilia?" Penny asked.

"She's..." the faunus girl paused, trying to find a way to put it without revealing too much of her past. "...someone I knew. Before I came to Beacon."

Her teammates quickly cottoned on. "Oh..." they verbalized in chorus.

"She..." Blake could barely string a sentence together. "I always... I never..."

"Puzzle pieces snapping into place, there, partner?" Yang joked.

Blake groaned. "Oh, that makes way too much sense."

Prismatic Ponytails (Ilia/Weiss) "You fully bought into the 'Weiss is a useless lesbian' meme and then you were like, 'Hey, you know what's better than one useless lesbian? Two useless lesbians.'"

Blake snorted in laughter at that. "Yeah, no."

"What?" Weiss replied, somewhat insulted.

"Weiss, Ilia hates humans. Especially Atlesian humans. Especially, especially, the SDC," she explained.

"Well, enemies to lovers is a thing," Ruby argued.

"Her parents died in a dust mine," Blake countered.

Silence reigned momentarily.

"That would be counterproductive to romantic pursuits," Penny concluded.

Greek Fire (Pyrrha/Yang) "You have a thing for buff girls, but like, even moreso than the Bumbleby shippers."

Everyone turned to Yang.

She shrugged. "I mean, would any of you kick Pyrrha Nikos out of bed?"

There was a general murmur of agreement.

"I'm not fully invested in those sorts of things," Penny explained, "but I'd always like more friends."

"I'm not super invested in that stuff either," Ruby agreed, "but I still bet she gives great cuddles."

"Now that's a height difference," Blake pointed out.

Falling Petals (Cinder/Ruby) "You don't actually want Ruby and Cinder to get together, you just want a hot, evil lady in six-inch heels to step on you."

"Wait, me with the bad guy?!" the reaper exclaimed.

"People always ship the good guy with the bad guy," Blake reminded her.

"I know, but... why?!" Ruby countered.

"They don't, weren't you paying attention?" her sister snarked.

Penny was simply confused. "Why would they want to be stepped on, though?"

"I'm not prepared to answer that question," Weiss lamented.

"Shipping me with bad guys," Ruby muttered. "They better not ship me with Torchwick."

"Only if they wanna lose some teeth," Yang added.

Strawberry Shortcake (Ruby/Neo) "You don't actually want Ruby and Neo to get together, you just have a thing for short girls."

"Is Neo a villainous individual as well?" Penny asked.

"We aren't sure yet," Weiss answered, "but I have been getting an inkling."

"On the one hand, boo, more bad guy ships," Ruby considered, "but on the other, shorties unite! We will overthrow the talls!"

"Good luck, shrimp," Yang joked.

"The harder they fall, sis. The harder they fall..."

Rose Garden (Ruby/Oscar) "You don't actually want Ruby and Oscar to get together. Or... at least I hope you don't, 'cause I... don't want to deal with the age-gap discourse if you do."

"Who's Oscar?" Blake asked. "Someone from Patch?"

"I don't know an Oscar," Ruby said, rather puzzled. "Age-gap?"

"If it's some old dude putting the moves on you-"

Yang was cut off. "Hey, I could take care of it," Ruby reassured her.

"What if it's the other way around?" Weiss asked. "Just, for argument's sake. What if it's someone younger than Ruby?"

"I'm not gonna date a little kid!" Ruby argued.

Blake attempted to diffuse the situation, "If they're younger, it's probably just like a precocious crush sort of thing. Some little kid going 'you're really pretty' expanded as a joke."

"Well that's a weird joke," the reaper countered, "One way or the other."

"At what point does an age gap not matter?" Penny wondered.

"Generally, half the older person's age plus seven is the youngest they can date," Yang remarked.

"So, the youngest Ruby could date would be... someone 6 months younger than her?" Penny calculated. Her smile slightly decreased at that, once again pondering how age worked for her.

Nuts & Dolts (Penny/Ruby) "You just wanted good things for Penny-"

"And really, who wouldn't?" the group finished.

Penny's smile returned. "That is so sweet of people. If slightly awkward."

Blake paused, "Wait, I don't think that's what they said, play it again."

Penny, somewhat confused, obliged.

Nuts & Dolts (Penny/Ruby) "You just wanted good things for Penny. Or you took Ruby's love of weapons to its natural extreme."

This explanation, like a few others before was emphasized with a visual. In this case, a warning sign reading, "SAFETY FIRST. DO NOT FIST ANDROID GIRLS." Complete with person's hand being caught in a set of gears.

As Ruby's face began to turn the color of her cape, and Penny became as quiet as the others had ever seen her, the three remaining teammates had a very different reaction.

"Well..." Weiss began with a chuckle, "that would make sense." She then trailed off in laughter.

"No judgement," Blake added, also fighting laugh, "just follow the direction on the sign, please."

Yang had given up on subtlety, and with freely dying of laughter. "OH MY GODS, YES! THAT'S PERFECT!"

As the other three settled down, Penny finally spoke up. "I... I actually... don't have..."

"Yeah, no," Ruby interjected, thoroughly embarrassed, "I... I wouldn't have thought..."

As the embarrassment died down, Penny noted the time stamp. "I think there's only one left."

Tauradonna (Adam/Blake) "You kin Adam Taurus."

Blake just gave the video a dead-eyed glare.

No one wanted to say anything.

As the video ended, Blake stood up and walked out of the room. "Not leaving," she reassured them, "I just need to blow off steam. I'll be back by dinner. Promise."

Everyone sat in silence.

"Should we have not watched the video?" Penny asked.

"We couldn't have known," Weiss said, attempting to comfort the gynoid.

"Just goes to show," Yang concluded, "shippers ruin everything."

"Is that the moral?" Ruby asked.

"I don't think there is one," Weiss replied.

And indeed, there wasn't.

Chapter Text

Penny fiddled with the scroll for a few seconds, pulling up the second video file. Again, the girls of team RWBY plus one settled down to watch.

Volume 2

[There’s a point where it tips/There’s a point where it breaks]

“That’s weird,” Ruby commented. “That’s Beacon, but it looks really strange for some reason.”

“There aren’t any trees,” Blake noted.

Yang raised her eyebrow quizzically. “Maybe it’s an animation error?” she suggested.

“If so, it’s very disappointing,” Weiss suggested.

[There's a point where it bends/And a point we just can't take/Anymore]

“There’s Ruby again.”

“Why are there petals falling off me?” Ruby asked.

“Maybe you’re going to start running,” Yang suggested.

“I think it’s more likely to be stylistic,” Blake countered.

Penny was silent for a moment, but she did not resume the playback. “I am concerned about these lyrics,” she told them, reciting the bars for emphasis.

“It does sound ominous,” Weiss agreed.

Yang nodded along. “Like something bad is going to happen.”

[There's a line that we'll cross/And there's no return/There's a time and a place]

“There’s the Whole Team again!”

“All of us have petals falling off us now,” Weiss noted. “I wonder what it could mean.”

“It’s probably just aesthetic,” Blake reiterated.

Weiss looked at her, “What if it isn’t?”

“What could it possibly mean?” Yang asked. “What, we all learn how to use Ruby’s semblance?”

Weiss shook her head. “No, I- I don’t know.” She seemed frustrated. “We still need to get as much information as possible from this.”

[No bridges left to burn/Anymore/We can't just wait with lives at stake/Until they think we’re ready]

The girls watched the next few seconds in silence. As strange as it was to see themselves as characters in a middling-quality animation, no new information could truly be gleaned from the montage. The song lyrics, however, did leave an impression.

Ruby was the first to rase the question. “So… are we going to do something that we can’t take back?”

“To save people’s lives,” Blake noted. “If these lyrics are accurate.”

“We can’t just wait… until they think we’re ready,” Penny repeated. “Do you think those lines refer to your education at Beacon Academy?”

“Maybe,” Ruby said.

[Our enemies-]

“Wait, what?” Blake startled as sudden cuts flashed. “Was that-“

“Can you go back?” Weiss asked Penny, “and go though it slowly, please?”

“Rewinding,” Penny said. “I will show each scene individually.”

“Thank you,” Ruby told her.

The five girls peered at the still shots carefully.

“Team CRDL,” Weiss noted distastefully, “I suppose they are also important?”

“They’re probably just side characters,” Yang assured her.

The next shot was a bit clearer.

“Sun,” Blake said confidently.

Ruby hmmed. “That’s his team, I guess?” she hesitantly questioned.

Yang stared at Blake. “How did you recognise him instantly?” she asked. “His face is obscured.”

“She likely recognised his abs,” Weiss ribbed.

The faunus didn’t respond for a second, then frowned as something occurred to her. “Where are they?”

The picture was scrutinised carefully, revealing a background of broken buildings.

“There are multiple possible locations in close vicinity of Vale which are abandoned,” Penny said. “The most likely is Mountain Glenn.”

“What would they be doing there?” Yang asked.

“I’ll write it down,” Blake decided. “Just in case.”

The next shot was easily recognisable.

“Team CFVY!” Ruby cheered. “I like them.”

Weiss, Yang, and Blake nodded in agreement, while Penny simply stared into space for a moment.

“Oh, they’re a second-year team?” she asked.

“Yep,” Yang replied.

The robot girl nodded and flicked to the next shot.

“Oh!” she cried, delighted. “That’s me! There’s General Ironwood, and…” her cheer faded, “and some Atlesian Knights…”

“Those are Knights?” Blake asked, startled.

Weiss agreed. “They don’t look anything like the current models.”

“They’re a new model,” Penny confirmed. “The AK-200.” Her eyes narrowed. “If I did not know what this Mr. Lot deVize was claiming, I would have reported this to the General. He wanted to keep the new units a secret.”

The next shot, showing a few of the faculty of Beacon Academy, passed without remark. Weiss’s indignation at the absence of Professor Peach was silent, and Yang’s groan at the confirmation of more Professor Oobleck in their lives was ignored.

The final shot in the sequence attracted the most attention.

“Who are those people?” Weiss asked.

Yang was the first to reply. “Our enemies,” she decided. “Didn’t you hear the song?” Then, as she looked closer, she winced.

“What?” Ruby asked her sister.

“I- I recognise him,” Yang said, pointing at a guy in a suit. “And those two,” she pointed. “They’re criminals.”

“How do you know criminals?” Weiss asked, a note of alarm in her voice.

“They work at a bar,” Yang explained.

Before the conversation could devolve, Blake brought it back on track. “I recognise Torchwick,” she tapped the image of the criminal, recognisable even when animated, then hastily tapped again to put away the video overlay. “Who are they?” she pointed at the three central figures.

There was a black-haired woman in a red dress, a dark-skinned girl with green hair, and a lighter-skinned boy with silver hair and clothes.

Weiss’s eyes shot open. “These,” she said, stabbing down with her finger, “these must be the people who cause Beacon to fall!” She pulled out a notepad to write down their features.

“We should memorise how they look,” Ruby suggested, voice uncharacteristically serious.

Yang shook her head. “These are just animated versions,” she explained.

Blake interjected. “We can still memorise their features,” she said. “Clothing, eye and hair colour…”

“I have noted them down,” Penny said. She was frowning. “I will attempt to access criminal databases to locate similar individuals.”

Everyone looked at her.

“Thank you,” Ruby said.

The video resumed.

[Our enemies are gathering/A storm is brewing deadly]

The appearance of Grimm was not was not very surprising, though the scene after elicited some reaction.

“Why are we falling?” Weiss asked.

“Probably just for effect,” Yang explained. “Like, you know, when someone kills a Grimm in an animated show and it blows up instead of just lying there.”

“No,” Weiss replied. “I do not know.”

[Now it's time to say goodbye/To the things we loved]

“Is that?” Blake asked, startled.

“That is the Atlesian Air Fleet,” Penny confirmed.

Weiss seemed disturbed. “That seems ominous,” she remarked.

“The lyrics aren’t helping,” Yang pointed out.

[And the innocence of youth/How the time seemed to fly]

The five girls narrowed their eyes. “The black-haired woman is the one who attacked you,” Weiss pointed out, talking to Ruby. “The one we think is Cinder.”

The younger girl looked at the picture, committing the woman to memory.

“This confirms they are your enemies,” Penny spoke up, “and it allows us to identify their weapons as well.”

“The silver-haired one has guns in his boots,” Yang noted.

“The emerald-haired girl uses sickle revolvers,” Weiss added.

[From our carefree lives/And the solitude and peace we always knew]

As the video ended with a black screen, the letters ‘RWBY’ fading out, everyone in team RWBY’s dorm remained ruminating on what they’d seen.

“This was very helpful,” Weiss finally broke the silence.

“Yeah,” Ruby agreed. “We can finally tell who the bad guys are!” Her voice turned lower. “Or at least what they look like animated…”

While the resemblance was enough to look creepy, the vaguely Mistralian style of animation distorted facial features and body shape enough that they wouldn’t recognise anyone they didn’t already know.

“We should watch the rest,” Blake suggested.

“Slow down, Blake,” Yang replied. “We’ll watch the Volume 3 video, but then we should read more memes. They’ll give us more context,” she suggested.

“I think you’ve got that the wrong way around,” Blake said, softly, but relented. “Okay. Should we watch one more video?” she asked.

“Yes,” Penny replied, “I think that would be a good idea.”

Ruby and Weiss nodded along.

Chapter Text

"I have good news! I have successfully managed to salvage another video file from the Scroll." Penny said. Her proclamation was met with silence. The four members of team RWBY exchanged looks that were varying levels of excitement, dread, and resignation.

Yang was the one to break the silence.

"So...what's this one about? More shipping?"

Weiss scoffed in response, while Blake rolled her eyes. Penny held up the scroll, and the girls leaned in to see the video title.

"entering the rwby fandom like...oh, that's all it says. I don't think that's how sentences work," said Ruby, confused, "Is this a video about the fandom itself? That doesn't sound very useful?"

Blake hummed in agreement, and said, "I would agree, Ruby, but it isn't that different from what we've been working off of. There...could be some useful information in there somewhere."

Weiss sniffed and responded, "Judging by the previous memes and videos, I doubt much of it will be."

"Never know til we watch it, Weisscream."

Ruby ignored Weiss' annoyed "Hey!" and pressed play on the Scroll.

(This Will be the Day plays in the background. The camera slowly pans up a white door. A piece of paper with the words 'RWBY Fandom' has been taped onto the door)

Ruby tilted her head.

"I'm confused. So, the fandom is behind the door?"

"I think it's meant to be a representation of what the fandom would be like if it was in an actual room." said Blake.

"Uuuhhh...Rub...Roob...Rubby, Ru-Ruby? Ruby fandom? Uhm. Is this a cartoon or an anime? It's just uh...a little hard to tell, you know, with the artstyle."

Yang snickered.

"Hey, compared to some teams we got off lucky. I once heard about a team of Y-R-B-N being pronounced 'Iron'."

"I still can't believe that our 'show' is a cartoon." said Weiss, then she held up a finger before her teammates could interject, "Yes, I know it is not a childish or inferior form of entertainment, as you keep reminding me, I just feel like it trivializes our lives for us to be presented as a cartoon."

"Shush, we're missing the video." whispered Ruby.

*cannon fire* "Is that cannon fire?" (Coley is shown from a different angle, with a shawl used as a fake beard, a beanie, and a paper eye-patch on) "Yarr, we be in the midst of a shipping war." (Coley nods) "Duly Noted."

The girls all made various noises.

"That seems to be par for the course for what we know about our fandom so far." groused Yang.

"The concept that otherworldly beings spend a great deal of their time fighting over our potential romantic relationships on the internet is baffling to me." said Penny.

"Ditto." "Yeah." "Agreed." "Hear hear."

"Ya'll must be really blind, or really stupid, because Bumbleby is gonna be canon." "Hohoho, I don't think so honey! Volume 4 was all BlackSun, it's basically confirmed at this point." "Ew, you frikkin normie."

Yang's eyes flicked over towards where Blake was sitting, only to see her partner staring back at her. Both girls blushed and looked away.

On the other side of Yang, Weiss humphed.

"I've said it before, I'll say it again; Blake can do better than Sun."

Recovering from her embarrassment, Yang nudged Weiss with her elbow and winked.

"Careful Weiss, at this rate Blake is gonna think you're got the hots for her too. Staring at her Bellabooty, now this-" Yang cut off her sentence as a pillow smacked her in the face. When she went to glare at Blake, the Faunus was innocently watching the Scroll with a bored expression on her face. Neither of them noticed Weiss sneak a glance at Blake.

"Wait, so is the song Bumbleby about the ship, or Yang's Bike?"

Ruby turned to Yang and asked, "Hey, why is your bike called Bumblebee anyways?"

Yang shrugged.

"Black and yellow and it kinda buzzes when I ride on it."

"Wow, that's kinda disappointing. Here I was hoping for some deep lore."

"I bet you ship Lancaster and Iceberg too!" "So what if I do?"

Weiss pursed her lips.

"Ruby and Jaune was Lancaster, but what is Iceberg?"

The group paused the video for a moment as they thought. After a few seconds, Yang snapped her fingers and said, "You and Neptune. Ice and Water."

Weiss crossed her arms and said, "What's wrong with me and Neptune?"

Ruby shrugged.

"I mean, going off of what we know about our fanbase....still super weird to say that...a part of them don't like boy and girl ships as much as girl and girl ships."

"Also, if you're a useless lesbian, what shot does Neptune have?"

It was Weiss that hit Yang with a pillow that time.

"Jaune is the biggest Mary Sue in the entire show, and Ruby should not be shipped with anyone except for her adorable love of weapons."

Everyone else turned to Blake, who blinked back at them in confusion.

"What?"

"You're the one who knows the most about this kind of stuff. What's a Mary Sue?" said Ruby.

Blake shrugged.

"I haven't the faintest clue, it's not a term that I've ever come across. Maybe it's unique to this other world. But I can surmise it's something negative. If I had to guess...a Mary Sue is a character that is somewhat useless and bumbling but means well. Like Inspector Magoo, or Mr. Clouseau."

Yang winced, then nodded in agreement.

"Yeah...I could see that...and let's just skip over Ruby being shipped with her weapon, that's a whole can of crazy that I don't wanna open."

"Guys, Pyrrha is totally a Grimm now! I'm calling it! I'm calling it."

Ruby sucked in a sudden breath. Her shock was mirrored by the other girls, and Penny paused the video.

"That's....that can't happen, right? I mean, there's geists, but those only possess objects." Weiss asked, wide eyed.

"Actually..." began Blake, hesitantly, "There's legends of Grimm that can possess people. Temporarily, that is, and there's only old stories to back that up."

Yang grimaced.

"The Chill. Yeah...Ruby and I read about that fairy tale when we were younger. Ruby had nightmares for days afterwards. If they are real, no one's seen them for a long time. And from the stories, they don't have long in the person's body...this sounds more like they're insinuating that Pyrrha...became a Grimm. Which can't happen....right? We all know that isn't a thing..."

Yang's question went unanswered. Eventually, Ruby just decided to press play and ignore the pit that had opened in her stomach.

"Does anyone else find it weird that Ozpin is inside the body of a little boy?" "God, well when you say it like that!"

Penny tilted her head in confusion.

"This also was brought up in the So This is Basically RWBY video. I am skeptical about the idea of Headmaster Ozpin being reincarnated, much less into an already living human being. What do the rest of you think?"

Ruby hummed in thought and said, "Well, I don't know that I personally believe in reincarnation, but the memes have been accurate so far. We could always just...ask Ozpin."

Yang snorted.

"Yeah, I wonder how that conversation is going to go. 'Hey, Oz, so we got a Scroll from another dimension with memes from a show based on our lives, and from a recovered video file we learned that you die and get reincarnated into the body of a little kid. Do you know anything about that?', and then he nods along and gently has us all bundled off to the mental institute."

Threading her fingers together, Blake said, "There's no reason we have to approach the Headmaster so directly, or at all. While the thought of Ozpin reincarnating is...interesting, it doesn't seem relevant to our immediate lives. Not unless we can figure out who he reincarnates to, or why he originally dies."

"Qrow has death flags written all over him! He's gonna die; he's gonna die!"

"No he's not!" snapped Ruby. Beside her, Weiss was looking at her partner with concern. After a moment, Ruby saw her look and deflated somewhat.

"Sorry, I just. It really bothers me how they trivialize something like that. I get that it's not real to them, that we're not real but that's my Uncle Qrow..."

Yang grunted in agreement, her own jaw clenched in anger.

"A few bad eggs. A few very bad, idiotic, brain-dead eggs who have no idea what they're talking about."

"Volume 4 was so booooring, they were literally just walking around the entire time. Volume 5 better deliver or so help me!" "To be honest, the whole show has gone downhill ever since...y'know...Monty...left." (all of the Coleys look sad)

"Huh. Ok, I...guess that means Monty was someone on their side of things, not ours? And he died..." said Ruby.

Weiss scribbled on the page of notes.

"It isn't conclusive proof, but if it's true that Monty was someone on the production team or writing staff, then that's one less person that we have to keep an eye out for. The same might be true for Kerry, but I'll keep their name on the list for now just to be safe."

"Mmm. Rest in peace Monty, wherever you were from." said Blake. The rest of the girls echoed her sentiment.

"But yeah, I need to see some asskicking." "Also, can I just ask; what the hell is RWBY Chibi?" "It's pure adorableness, that's what it is!"

"Yeah, we already suspected that." said Yang.

"I am so happy Renora became a thing last Volume, it's sooo cute!...now if only Yang and-" "Ok, you know what, I am sick of this! Are there any other shipper out there that don't ship this hetero shit?"

"Huh. I guess Nora and Ren get 'together together' in Volume 4." said Blake, who then said, "That's...we shouldn't do anything about that, right?"

"It's none of our business. I just wanna know who they were about to say I should be shipped with." said Yang.

"I ship Ruby and Yang!" "Yang, that's your sister..."

Ruby made a quiet retching noise, while Yang could be heard audibly growling. Blake eventually said, "Well...at least this seems to imply that those types of people are quite unpopular in the fandom. That's...something."

"...oook, are there any other ships you like? Ones that are more...acceptable?" "...Falling Petals?" "..." "That is daark!"

"That was...me and Cinder, who's evil." mumbled Ruby, "I don't understand why people ship things like that..."

Blake sighed.

"It is what it is. And like I just said, it seems, thankfully, that they're an unpopular minority in the fandom. It doesn't make it ok...any of it," Blake said, her countenance darkening as she remembered Tauradonna, "But...it is what it is."

"In all seriousness, I love these ship names. A+ on the creativity guys. Nuts and Dolts, WhiteRose, Monochrome? Genius, good work." "Nuts and Dolts is so cute."

"I am surprised by the creativity here. Aren't ship names usually just two names mashed together, like Renora?" asked Yang.

Blake nodded and said, "Yeah. It's rare for a ship name to be something that invokes specific aspects of a character beyond their name. And I've never heard of the majority of the ships in a show or a piece of media being abstract."

Ruby, trying to forget the last few lines about shipping, asked, "I wonder why that is?"

"No idea."

"Yeaaaah, too bad Penny's dead." (Coley begins to cry) "Dude, that was Volume 3 drama, get over it."

Instantly the mood of the room fell. Ruby put her hand on Penny's shoulder, who looked to be frozen in thought. After a moment, Penny managed to give Ruby a weak smile.

"I'm fine, friend Ruby. It just catches me off guard whenever it is brought up."

Yang frowned as she remembered her own prophesied fate of losing her arm. Ruby looked around at the rest of her team and firmly said, "And this is why we're here. So that we can learn all that we need to prevent it from happening in the first place. All of it."

The girls nodded, and Ruby pressed play again.

"Roman is still alive! I have no idea where Neo is, but Roman is alive!"

"Oh right...that video did say Torchwick died." said Ruby, "We should warn him. I...don't know how we do that, or whether he'd believe us or not..."

"He's a criminal!" said Weiss.

"He steals things. That doesn't mean he deserves to die." responded Blake, who then gnawed on her lip and said, "But I don't know how we'd get him to listen to us, if and when we next see him. The battlefield isn't exactly conducive to conversation, and we can't even get Pyrrha to take us at face value."

"Good lord guys! Is there anything you can agree on! Anything at all?" (all of the Coleys think) "Adam is...cancer?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I can vouch for that."

Blake took in a deep breath, and then let out a quiet laugh.

"I'm...not happy that he keeps on being brought up, but that was funny."

She turned to the other girls and raised a tired eyebrow.

"Let's get this over with, there's only a little bit of the video left."

"Alright, see, we're cool. Now, what is this I hear about Monochrome?" "But what about Bumbleby?" "AAAH!" "Dead men tell no tales...and she's gonna be dead...she's dying as we speak."

With that, the video ended, and the girls sat back in relief. After taking a moment to collect her thoughts, Ruby piped up.

"So...what did we learn?"

Weiss looked over her notes, frowning.

"Again, we learned a few new things, but overall not much. It was either shipping discourse, things we already knew, or it was too obscure for us to pick up on what was really meant. I think the only new information I have is that Volume 4 involves a lot of walking, something about Pyrrha being a Grimm, and Qrow having death flags. The latter two also seemed to come from a 'crazy theorist' type of character, so I doubt the veracity of those claims."

Blake interjected, "We also know that Cinder is actually bad, not just on the 'bad side'. Otherwise Falling Petals wouldn't be labelled 'dark'."

Ruby groaned.

"Still can't believe they ship me with the villain."

Penny patted Ruby on the shoulder.

"I'm sure you'll end up with a much nicer girl than this Cinder, Ruby."

"Aw, that's a nice thing to say Penny."

Weiss stood up and stretched.

"Well, that was...as unpleasant as it always is. I think I'm going to head to the library. Anyone want to come with?"

Chapter Text

“Maybe we should leave the scroll with Penny,” Yang suggested. “She keeps unlocking all this crazy stuff somehow. And whenever we need to read the meme lists she can just come over.”

Ruby considered the offer. “You know, that would make sense, actually. Why didn’t we think of it before?”

“We didn’t know she could hack the scroll. Or...” Weiss rolled her hand. “Whatever it is she’s doing.”

“It’s clearly highly technical,” Blake said, only the slightest curve to the corner of her lips indicating her sarcasm.

Weiss gave her a look, but whatever she was going to say was cut off when Penny rushed into the room. “I have unlocked two new files!”

Yang nodded. “More videos?”

“No, they... appear to be series of graphic/text images,” Penny admitted. “The first is labeled RWBYSisInterp, and the second is RWBYSisInterp2.”

Team RWBY shared a hesitant look.

“...might as well,” Ruby said with a shrug. “Let’s see what we’ve got.”

Weiss read the text on the screen and groaned. “Great. A non-fan’s interpretation of a fan’s raving. That’s multiple layers of distortion, we’re going to get nothing useful from this.”

“It is a graphic file,” Penny pointed out. “We will probably get visual images of these characters.”

“Plus, things that even non-fans have heard about will probably be, like, important plot points,” Yang added. “Or famous twists.”

“Or favorite ships,” Weiss grumbled.

“...Point is, we might get something. And even if we don’t, it’ll at least be fun to see how badly they misinterpret us!”

Weiss sighed. “Fine, fine. Let’s see how bad this can get...”

Yang burst into giggles. “Well, you are a badass!”

“I--I don’t have an outfit like that!” Ruby protested.

“Yet,” Penny countered. “This seems to be a version of you that has physically matured.”

Weiss side-eyed her even as Yang’s laughter grew louder. “And how exactly do you know that?”

“I have been making assessments on the nature of human bodies and their forms as a preemptive preparation for any upgrades I may receive or wish to install,” Penny replied, not looking her in the eyes.

Ruby coughed. “So, uh... that’s how you figured out how I’d... look?”

Penny nodded. “Yes!” Then she hiccupped.

Blake rolled her eyes as Yang’s laughter grew again. “So, going down the list--you’re definitly smart, you do have a great cloak... do you have a collection of chokers?”

“Nnnnnnot yet,” Ruby replied, blushing. “I mean, they always seemed more an... adult thing? I guess... future me doesn’t look bad in a choker, but you know.” She looked at the image. “Actually she looks kinda... wow. That’s definitely, you know, a look.”

“It is,” Weiss agreed.

Yang took a deep breath. “Ruby, I’ve always got your back, you know that, right?” Her lips twitched. “Even if you want to become Lara, the Badass Pirate Lesbian.”

“Where did they get Lara from?” Ruby asked nobody in particular. “Do I look like a Lara?”

Blake hummed noncommittally. “So... three of the five points are correct--”

“I’m not clumsy!” Ruby protested.

Yang started snickering.

“I’m not!” Ruby insisted, looking at her. “Why are you--...” She looked at the list again. “What does ‘Can Choke Me’ mean?”

“And we’re moving on to the next image,” Weiss declared.

“Okay, so these images are definitely in the future,” Yang said casually. “I mean, look at that haircut!”

Blake glanced away. “Is it... bad?”

“What--NO! It’s good!” Yang reassured her. “Great even!”

“What the heck is Chat Noir?” Ruby asked.

Weiss shrugged. “I’m not sure. And frankly, I don’t think this sister is either. From the looks of it, she doesn’t have any real read on Blake.”

Blake sighed. “That’s... understandable.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure, Weiss,” Yang protested. “I mean, power bottom vibes, that’s pretty accurate.”

“What is a power bottom?” Penny asked.

“It’s a sex thing,” Yang explained.

Ruby sighed. “Of course. It’s always a sex thing...”

“Let’s just move on,” Blake suggested, blushing.

“Well!” Weiss perked up with a smile. “I guess we know who’s the most talked about character now.”

“Yeah, sure.” Yang rolled her eyes. “Definitely future you.”

Ruby read down the list carefully. “...probably straight?”

Weiss cleared her throat. “I have not... experimented enough to determine that for certain, but... well, this is a sister of a fan, who knows nothing about the show. She’s allowed to be partially wrong.”

Yang quirked a brow. “Older sibling energy?”

“Middle sibling, technically.”

“You have a little sister?” Ruby asked, surprised.

“Brother,” Blake corrected. “She has a younger brother.”

“Whitley Schnee!” Penny confirmed with a nod. “He is... He... exists.” Her lips tightened. “I cannot find any outstanding files on him.”

Weiss cringed a little. “My home life is not... it’s... why don’t we move on there’s probably some more stuff for Yang to tease people about--”

Yang stared at the screen for a few moments. “...You know what? I’m not even mad.”

“...I recognize that sword,” Blake breathed. “The one you’re grabbing in that picture. That’s Wilt, it’s... it’s Adam’s sword.”

The room fell quiet for a moment.

Yang, gently, wrapped her arm around Blake’s shoulder, and nodded to Penny to move on.

“...yyyyyikes,” Ruby hissed.

“I mean.. I’m not his biggest fan or anything, but...” Weiss gestured at the list. “This is... so far off the truth!”

“I think I’m just going to move on,” Penny muttered.

“Wow.” Yang shook her head. “This is, like... the anti-Nora. I don’t even know where they’re getting this from.”

“...maybe it’s because they’re team JNPR?” Ruby suggested. “I mean, instead of team RWBY. We’re the title characters, so we’d get all the marketing, but team JNPR are... side characters?”

“That is a possibility,” Penny admitted. “I have heard of many such false interpretations based on advertising for the Atlesian military.”

“Never dares to break the rules.” Blake stared at the list. “Nora. That is...”

“Technically this is Karen, not Nora,” Weiss corrected. “It even says so.”

Blake sighed. “Well, I guess it’s about on the same level as Chat Noir...”

“Yeah, I’m going with the ‘JNPR aren’t well known side characters’ theory,” Ruby said.

Weiss sighed. “I wonder how they’ll misinterpret Pyrrha, then.”

“Ah,” Yang nodded. “The ‘sexy tough woman’ interpretation. Makes sense.”

“Is mean but doesn’t mean to be?” Weiss shook her head. “What kind of person would be like that?!”

“Beowolf, meet Ursa,” Blake muttered under her breath.

“This is another case of ‘step on me’ being mentioned,” Penny mused. “What does it--?”

“It’s a sex thing,” team RWBY said as one.

“...For a basic biological function, there sure does seem to be a lot of complicated terminology.”

Ruby blushed heavily. “Blake’ll explain things later. Let’s just move on...”

“Oh! Is that me in the future?” Penny asked, eagerly leaning forward. “I look so much like a real girl!”

Ruby laughed a little. “You are a real girl, Penny! But, yeah, I get what you mean.” She looked at the image. “The... the hair is nice!”

“Just the hair?”

Ruby smacked her smirking sister with a pillow. “Yang! Stop that! It’s all very pretty and nice! Not that you don’t look good now,” she added quickly to Penny. “You do! This--also looks good! It’s all good looking and... and cute! You look cute now and that you looks cute too and--”

Weiss covered Ruby’s mouth with a roll of her eyes. “We have firmly established that Penny is and always will be cute.”

Penny giggled a little.

“So...” Blake smiled, flicking her eyes to the image. “How accurate is the list?”

“Well,” Penny mused, “I do not know what a pokemon is... and I have never had to grieve, so I do not know if I would bake. Actually, I have never baked. I... might like flowers? I think I like flowers. I do not have a garden gnome collection.”

“And you are sweet,” Weiss finishes. “So... the list is technically inaccurate, but it does feel a lot like you.”

“I could teach you how to bake!” Ruby offered.

Penny smiled. “I would enjoy that very much!”

“...who is this kid?” Yang muttered.

“He is baby, your honour,” Blake replied, completely deadpan.

“I think he showed up in that one video,” Ruby muses. “The one where... yeah, this is Ozpin’s reincarnation, maybe?”

“I still can’t believe we’re seriously considering the possibility of Ozpin reincarnating,” Weiss grumbled.

“Weiss 2.0?” Blake quirked a brow. “What, is the current model not--”

“That’s Winter! That’s my sister!” Weiss smiled for a moment... before her grin faded. “She looks... uncomfortable.”

“She appears to be wearing a medical support brace,” Penny noted awkwardly. “Which would imply she was... heavily injured.”

Weiss bit her lip. “I... I should talk to her. When she arrives...”

“What is MILF?” Penny asked.

“Mother I’d like to f--”

“IT’S A SEX THING,” Weiss declared, blushing as she covered Yang’s mouth. “Also, for the record, I am extremely disturbed at how many of our fans seem obsessed with sex.”

Blake chuckled. “Well, then you must hate this list. It seems to just be ‘Woman Hot’ writ large.”

“Alright, fine, but who is this woman?”

“I believe it is Robyn Hill,” Penny offers. “A huntress operating in Mantle... yes, her weapon is clearly visible in the smaller image.” She frowned. “Mister Ironwood does not approve of her methods, but... looking over the records, I don’t see anything objectionable.”

“We are going to have a long talk after this,” Blake said quietly.

“Why are they all gay?” Yang grinned. “Because Remnant is populated entirely by homosexuals!”

“Statistically speaking--”

“It’s a meme, Penny,” Ruby explained.

“Oh.” Penny cleared her throat. “Well, this appears to be May Marigold.”

Weiss rolled her eyes. “The Marigolds... Old, wealthy atlesian elites. They tried to get their son to marry Winter! And then...” She frowned. “Actually, I don’t know what happened, exactly. He dropped off the face of the earth and nobody ever wanted to talk about him again...”

Penny blinked, looking at her.

“...What?”

“...I sometimes forget not everyone knows how to search public records.”

“Wait, you know what happened to--?”

“The individual in question decided to sever all ties with their birth family, joined Robyn Hill’s team, and... filed for a change in gender identification.” Penny gestured at the screen. “She became May Marigold.”

“He--er... she did?”

“Yes.”

“Well. Um.” Weiss nodded. “Good for her! Getting out and... finding herself.”

Ruby tilted her head. “You honestly never heard about any of this?”

“Nobody ever wanted to talk about it!”

“LIES AND SLANDER!” Ruby shouted at the screen.

“Slander is spoken,” Weiss corrected. “In print, it’s libel.”

“LIBEL AND CHARACTER ASSASSINATION!”

“Yeah, Uncle Qrow’s nowhere near this bad,” Yang agreed.

Blake shrugged. “Maybe whoever told the sister about the show just never really talks about Qrow?”

Ruby shook her head. “Move us along, Penny, I can’t stand this violation of common sense much longer.”

Blake tilted her head. “Wait, Sun was supposed to be important?”

“I... guess?” Ruby shrugged. “Well... I don’t know what we could figure out from this, anyway...”

“...who the heck is this?” Yang asked.

“He looks... kind of familiar,” Blake admitted, “but I can’t really place him.”

Penny glanced at the list and tilted her head. “If he’s good at engineering, and he gives good hugs--”

“This is an interpretation of a character by somebody who has never seen the show and therefore we don’t know how accurate it is,” Ruby interjected.

The room fell quiet as everyone looked at her.

“...I’m not wrong,” she pointed out, awkwardly.

“...leeeeeeet’s move on,” Weiss suggested.

Blake sat up. “Oh, that--that’s Ilia. And...” She looked at the list. “It... seems like a fairly accurate read on her, actually. Aside from her being bi.”

Weiss cringed a little. “Yeah...”

“Where is that she’s standing?” Ruby asked.

Penny peered at the image. “It... looks like the Argus Unlimited station.”

“...huh.” Ruby tilted her head. “Wonder what she’s doing there?”

Weiss wrote something in her notes. “I doubt we’ll learn anytime soon. Penny, if you would?”

“That’s Emerald!”

“Yes, Ruby, it’s Emerald.” Weiss looked the image over. “In a much more... refined outfit, I have to say.”

“I have no idea how accurate the list is, but...” Blake shrugged one-handed. “I mean... I’ve met people like that.”

“Really? Who?”

Yang coughed, the vague impression of ‘Lookinthemirror’ coming out of her throat.

“...Fair,” Weiss admitted.

Blake inhaled sharply.

Yang tightened her grip. “Is that--?”

“Adam, yeah.” She swallowed. “Apparently he’s the one who--”

“Yeah...”

The two of them held each other as their teammates looked on sadly. Penny, quietly, moved onto the next image.

“That seems to be mister Ironwood,” Penny mused. “Although he does not have a beard at the moment. Perhaps he grows one in the future.”

Ruby looked over the attached bullet point list with growing concern. “So... this is the man in charge of the Atlesian army?”

“Yes.” Penny noticed her observing the list. “I am fairly certain that this is inaccurate.”

“Winter would never serve under a man with those attributes,” Weiss agreed fervently.

Blake rose her eyebrows, sharing a concerned look with Yang, but said nothing.

The moment the next image came up, everyone jerked back in shock.

“What the hell?! What--” Yang turned to Weiss, gesturing at the screen. “WHO?!”

“I don’t know! That’s--I think Weiss 3.0 is a joke!” Weiss insisted. “Because white hair maybe I don’t know who that is!”

“These two images are very different,” Penny noted. “Are they... really supposed to be the same person?”

Blake shook her head. “A freak in the sheets...? Who in their right mind would want to fuck a grimm woman?!”

“Maybe she’s the victim of some sort of mutant Chill. You know, like, the ones in the movies that...” Ruby trailed off.

“...I cannot find her in any records,” Penny reported, hesitantly. “Either image. I... we have no idea who she is, or...”

“...I... might look into Schnee family history,” Weiss offered, hesitantly. “Just in case... just in case 3.0 is more than just a joke.”

Ruby held her shoulder gently.

“So that--wait. Is that Cinder?” Blake peered at the images. “I mean, she’s wearing an eyepatch and has short hair, so...”

“Her facial features do show an otherwise high correlation,” Penny pointed out. “And... assuming she is hiding a severe injury to her left arm, it might be assumed that she suffered some severe physical trauma.”

“I... wow.” Ruby shook her head. “Even if she’s a bad guy, I don’t like the idea of people going through that. I hope however it happened, it was quick...”

“...is that Torchwick’s hat?” Blake asked.

“And his ascot,” Ruby confirmed. “Who is this?”

“She looks... kind of familiar,” Weiss admitted hesitantly. “Wait... the shipping video! I think this is Neo!”

“...what, did she kill Torchwick and take his hat?” Yang asked.

“Yang!”

“Ruby, some people are just horrible.”

“Yeah, but--” Ruby gestured vaguely. “This is... Maybe she’s his little sister or something!”

Penny screwed up her face. “It is difficult to imagine somebody like Torchwick having a younger sibling. I know he would not be responsible for such an occurance, but... I do not know if he would be capable of familial bonds.”

“Even criminals have family,” Blake pointed out.

“Oh.” Penny cringed. “Right...”

She tried to move on to the next image, but found that there was no next image to move onto. “Ah. That... seems to be the end of this file. I would assume RWBYSisInterp2 is a sequel...”

“So, what did we learn?” Yang asked.

“Well, team JNPR’s not really well known by non-fans,” Ruby began. “And there’s some sort of... Grimm woman, I don’t really know what to make of that.”

“Winter is going to get heavily injured if we don’t do anything,” Weiss murmured. “I suppose Cinder is too.”

“Ilia’s going to be at the Argus Unlimited train station for some reason. And Adam’s the one who...” Blake swallowed. “Well.” She glanced at Yang for a moment.

Penny, looking around at the way everyone’s shoulders were sagging, cleared her throat. “But we cannot forget the positive things! I am likely to get a good-looking chassis! And Robyn Hill and her team are... involved... somehow!”

Yang nodded. “Yes, these are all very important matters. But we cannot forget the most important thing.”

She waited until everyone was looking at her, before clapping a hand on her sister’s shoulder.

“Lara is a badass pirate lesbian.”

Ruby shoved her away with a chuckle. “No! No, don’t do this!”

“What’s the matter, Lara?” Yang grinned down at her. “Longing to go back out to sea?”

“Oh you’re one to talk, ‘Bumbeby!’”

“Anybody who calls me Chat Noir is getting a pillow to the face,” Blake said firmly.

“I... do not know how I would feel about being called Pokemon,” Penny admitted. “Especially since I do not know what a pokemon is.”

Weiss rolled her eyes. “Well... learning next to nothing is better than nothing, I suppose.”

Chapter Text

"I... appear to have unlocked another file, friends."  Penny announced to the group, with a slight bit of trepidation, which instantly caught their attention.

"Is it another bunch of sex jokes?"  Yang asked rhetorically, only to be surprised when the android nodded her head.

"It would appear so.  No images this time, but..." She brought up the spreadsheet on the scroll and showed it to the team.

"Wha- what is that?"  Ruby looked on confused.

"There's... so many..."  Weiss said.

"I knew they were horny" Yang complained.  "But this?  This is just too much."  She scrolled through the list.  "I barely even know half these people!"

"Exactly.  That is part of why I brought it up.  Despite how inaccurate, unhelpful, and... awkward some of these will be..."

"It might give us more insight into the list and what the future is like" Weiss finished.  Then she let out a huge groan.  "Even if that means searching through the 'RWBY Shipping Chart'."

Blake gave a low whistle at the combinations.  "I knew our fans came up with creative ship names, but that's a lot."  Then she frowned.  "And why are all of mine cat related?"

"We know that's not the only trait about you, it just makes for some good ship puns.  And there's some other stuff, like 'Ninja's of Love' and 'Dark Chocolate'" Yang pointed out.

"That's something, I guess."

Ruby asked "What's up with the greyed colored diagonal boxes?  There's one with me that says 'Bouquet'."

"The chart matches the characters up vertically and horizontally.  Some are missing, but the grey ones that are filled in are where your name intersects with itself" Penny explained before really getting what that meant.  Weiss looked over at the young team leader, the idea of her with another version of her springing into the heiress' mind unbidden before she shook it away, blushing slightly.

The girl in question was a bit more confused.  "What?  But- how?"  Yang just laughed.

"I don't think shippers are going to use 'logic' or 'possibility' here.  They have stuff like 'Green Tea Latte' which is apparently Ren with Coco.  'Sucker punch' (Eww), Electomagnetism (unlikely, but not bad), Unrequited Love (wtf???)" Yang read a couple of pairings at random, stopping in shock when they realized that Zwei had a list of pairings, as long as anyone's.  "How can our dog get shipped with as many people as us?"

"Actually, I believe he's shipped with slightly less than all of you" Penny corrected, pointing out the empty spots where Zwei wasn't shipped to.  A couple of entries at the end got very few names, some others had more blank spots.  What really distracted Blake from her confusion and distaste at that ship 'option' was seeing Zwei's blank spots.

"Corsac and Fennic?"

"Do you recognize them" Ruby asked, discreetly rolling the sheet over to see where they interacted with them, noticing the two had several missing entries.

"They're members of the White Fang.  Represent it and run some recruitment on Menagerie, I haven't interacted with them much, but I've heard of them before..." Then Blake's eyes caught sight of the entries of the two on her parent's names and she started hissing, nearly breaking the scroll in half before Yang stopped her.

'Designed Killing', 'Backstabber', 'Assigned Assassins', 'Crushed Orders'.

"Whoa, what's wrong- oh shit."

"They- how could they!?"  Blake shouted, hands gripped tightly into fists.  "My parents..."

"I do not believe they have, yet" Penny said, attempting to calm the black clad girl down.  "It would likely make international news if the Chieftain of Menagerie or his wife were killed, and I see little sign of that.  Additionally, I see little sign of a theme of 'death' recurring in the ship names of Kali or Ghira Belladona in other sections, indicating such an attempt may have failed if it did ever occur later in the 'show'."  Her words helped calm Blake down, but also piqued the interests of the others.

"Wait, Blake, your father is the chieftain of Menagerie?  How did we not know this?"  Yang demanded.

"I don't know how I missed it, Blake didn't even change her last name" Weiss wondered outloud, mystified she had missed that connection and privately wondering if her studies had left a bit of a racist trait to not draw the connection between the shared last name of a leader of a nation and Blake.

Blake's ears folded down.  "Look, you guys didn't even know I was a faunus until not too long ago, and I was... I am ashamed of what I did.  I left them to join the White Fang, I thought they weren't doing enough for the cause and... Oh Brothers, I haven't even told them I'm alive, and Corsac and Fennic might-" Ruby reached up and put a hand on her shoulder.

"It'll be alright.  That's why we have these lists, to get a hint at the future and change things.  You can warn them about what's going to happen, and I'm sure they'll be glad to hear from you again."

"... And what if they don't?  I don't want them to die, ever, but-"

"We'll be here for you, no matter what" Yang said, embracing her partner, Ruby sliding into the hug.  Weiss and Penny joined after, holding her until she calmed down.

As they broke off, Ruby said "Soo... does that mean you're the real heiress of the team?"

"Haha, no.  They'll vote in their next chieftain, and I really can't see that being me."  Turning to Penny she asked "Any more revelations to spring on us from the shipping page?"

"Well, I have noticed that with such a large list, more than 'compatibility' or 'likelyhood' (as loosely as I can use those terms) from the other video, these names focus on thematic and/or 'funny' values.  I ran an algorithm to compare some of the 'themes' each person- er, character, has connected to them, cross referencing them across each potential 'ship mate'.  The accuracy of these ships have yet to be determined, even within the thematic.  Ciel Soleil has time mentioned a great deal, which you think would make her quite accurate on timekeeping but in fact has shortchanged me of precisely 13 minutes and 24.6 seconds of relaxation time."  Team RWBY turned to stare at Penny.  "Not that I am upset about that" she tacked on, followed by a rather loud hiccup.

"Uhuh" Weiss said.  "So what big things have you found about our themes?"

"Not about your themes, those all, for the most part are rather self evident.  Some others revealed interesting trends.  Amber has many mentions of 'Maiden' in hers, as well as falling and unconsciousness/coma.  That last part is actually what her 'self-ship' name is."

A silence settled on the group before Weiss spoke up.  "We found out about her doing stuff in Volume 3 though, and we're pretty sure that's the Vytal Festival, right?"  Some nods all around.  "Then that means we have a chance to prevent that, just like, like everything else."  That brought a small smile to Ruby's face.  It was still a grim topic, but there was hope that they could change things for the better.

"Ok, save Amber, got it.  What else?"  She asked the android.

"I can't be certain for many of them, I'll need more details and time to compare, but I found it odd how many regard Lionheart, who I can only assume is Leonard Lionheart, headmaster of Haven Academy, as a coward.  The vast majority of his refer to fear and phobia."

"Not exactly a desirable trait in the headmaster of a Hunter academy" Blake commented.

"Indeed, more disturbing though, were the clues around this 'Salem'," she said, highlighting a few ship names.  'Grimm Silence', 'Grimm Influence', 'Dr. Grimm', 'Grimm Maiden', 'Beowolf', 'Grimm Spring'.  "There are many more about witchhood and magic as well as other unpleasant implications, but the number of Grimm stuck out to me as important, especially given what we learned in the Volume 3 Memes."

"She's... she's the one creating Grimm?"  Yang asked.  "I feel that 'thanks' may have been a lot more sarcastic than what we first thought."

"Possibly" Penny continued.  "But I can't help but see that while lesser in number this Dr. Merlot has some relating to Grimm himself, and too disconnected to just be from her.  His other themes seem to be about science or testing and their own unpleasantness that I can't discount him as possibly being the one who 'irks Merc' either.  The man appears on public record as the late Doctor Merlot, founder of the now defunct Merlot Industries unlike Salem who I can find no mention of, but given a lack of death I can see in his ship names, it appears unlikely the man is actually deceased."

Weiss took a look over at the list.  "You weren't kidding.  'Dark Deals', 'Snuffed Flames', 'Blood Magic', 'The Gates of Hell', 'Ragnarok'."  At some confused looks she added "Ragnarok comes from an old Mantelian tale about the end of humanity.  And uh, faunus kind too" she tacked on.

Blake rolled her eyes "So glad to be included."

"Well- it's non-specific!  It's just about- oh, well 'The End', which is fitting because that's her self-ship name."  The heiress scrolled over to Dr. Merlot's names.  "I don't get a lot of these references, but 'Twisted Experiments', 'Test Subject Red/White', 'Watching Every Move', oh!  And just because we didn't need more paranoia, his ship with Ozpin is 'Old Chum'.  Why is practically the only 'nice' name of him with our Headmaster?"  She looked around, but no one had any answers for her.

"So either we have some apocalyptic witch using magic to conjure up Grimm or an incredibly shady scientist making them with twisted experiments" Blake summed up.

"Or both" Ruby added before paling.  "Oh sweet seasons I hope not."

"So, should we go through each person's lists one by one or...?" Weiss asked, but Blake shook her head.

"Not now.  This has all been a bit much for the moment.  Maybe you can work on that algorithm?"  She asked Penny awkwardly, knowing that was putting a lot of the awkward work on their robot friend's shoulders, but Penny just nodded determinedly.  Before they could end it though, Yang took the scroll back, running through the list.

"Jeez sis, didn't know you wanted to know about your ships that badly."

"Not me" she grunted out, scrolling through another section.  As she went through the list her eyes widened, and halfway through the lilac pupil turned red.  "Penny, did you run your programs on my mother?  Please tell me you came out with a different answer than I'm getting."

"Summer?  I had a few thoughts on her, but-"

"Not mom, my mother, Raven Branwen!  Please, tell me I'm wrong about this, that my mother didn't run off to become a... 'Bandit Bully', 'Born Bandit', 'Histories Greatest Bandit', and so many other ones that say that she's a bandit.  A killer.  Because hey, that's sure better than raising a daughter, right?" 

"I... cannot find anything to object to that."  Then a couple hiccups, followed by her adding.  "I agree, it seems very likely that Raven is a bandit."  Yang narrowed her blood red eye suspiciously.

"Penny, what aren't you saying?"

"I- I... From what I gathered on Raven, there is another mention of her in a seemingly unrelated ship of you and this 'Vernal' called 'Raven's Wards'."  There was a deep shocked gasp from everyone else in the room but Yang, who instead looked like she had had the air punched out of her.  Penny continued in a sad tone.  "Vernal mostly has associations with Spring and trickery themes, but also ships like 'Right Hand' with someone only known as 'White Fang Lieutenant' and 'Season's Commander' with Raven herself as well as generally banditry feel from her themes indicate a possibility she had another child, or adopted one who works with her in the bandit camp.  Also, with her last name known, I do see some small files in Atlesian military records about the Branwen Bandit tribe of Mistral..."

"So, that's it huh?  Guess I finally cracked the mystery of why she left" Yang said in a low, dark, but otherwise even tone.  "All it took was a magic scroll and an insider scoop from Atlas military to find out my mother was a bloody bandit who cared more about this Vernal and robbing and murdering people than she did about raising me."  She punctuated her last words with a punch into a wall that sent a crack running up and down it's entire length before storming out of the room, brushing off even Ruby's attempts to stop her.

Chapter Text

As Weiss made her way back into the room, she noticed something unusual. The scroll, the maddening, otherworldly device that had recently taken over their lives, was blinking. As she turned on the screen, the scroll proudly displayed the message:

[Data restored!]

Weiss stared at the thing in bafflement, and quickly determined that it still would not operate without the rest of the team. Luckily, the other three girls did not take long to return.

"It's doing something," Weiss said. "Some 'data' was 'restored,' apparently."

"Well, open it up," Yang said. "Let's see what it's got for us!"

As Weiss looked through the list of sections, nothing was obviously different. But as soon as she popped open the general section, she gasped.

[This is the day we've waited for.]
Usually the release date of the new series, episode, or what have you, fans have taken to using the phrase quite often, based on the title and lyrics of the Volume 1 OP.

"There's more information!" Weiss cried. "Remember when the letter said the explanations had been scrubbed?"

"I don't think I could have forgotten if I tried," Blake said.

"Well they're back," Weiss said. "Look!"

The rest of the team crowded around the screen and read the first entry.

"Why now?" Yang said. "Wait, does this mean we need to read everything again?"

"It would be nice to have some explanations," Blake said.

"This explanation makes sense," Ruby said. "Though it doesn't really tell us anything new. Oh! Except that 'This Will Be the Day' is the theme song for the show! That's cool. What's next?"

Weiss cleared her throat and read:

[Aura]
Even before Monty himself used this simple word to justify how the show breaks logic through the Rule of Cool all the time, fans already had taken a liking to use that answer themselves to explain any strange occurrences in the show that didn't seem physically possible.

"We've seen the name Monty before," said Blake. "Didn't he need sleep? 'Monty himself' implies that he's important to the production of the show."

"It's like we thought, though," Weiss said. "They don't know what aura is, and the very idea is memetic."

"Plus, we're cool," Ruby said.

"The coolest!" Yang said.

[Cyborg Jaune]
Fans are comparing Jaune to Raiden, and are expecting him to be burned like his basis, Joan of Arc, only to be rebuilt as a cyborg.

"Oh, come on," Weiss said. "I thought these were supposed to be explanations."

"Jaune's 'basis'?" Yang said. "Is Jaune based on some other character? How does that even work? I guess the names are similar. And I'm not even going to guess what 'Raiden' is."

"This explanation is kind of grisly," Ruby said.

"Memes," Blake said.

"Memes," Ruby agreed.

Weiss continued.

[Kerry Who?]
Kerry Shawcross is one of the creative minds responsible for the show, having been a co-director and later director, as well as one of its main writers since the very first season. In spite of this, fans make the common mistake of giving all the credit of the show to Monty and Miles. Even after several seasons it's still possible to come across comments about the writing which are strictly directed to Miles as if he was the only writer of the show.

"Whoa! Info dump!" Yang said.

"I guess that sucks for Kerry," Blake said, "but I don't think this affects us?"

There were nods, and they moved on.

[Dishwasher can see the future!]
This actually somewhat ties into the "Cyborg Jaune" meme/prediction from above. Over the last couple of years Dishwasher has become known as one of the best artists within the FNDM. He's also become known for making four predictions within his fanart that have come true. A week before the Penny/Pyrrha battle he posted this which was quickly noted to be a nearly 100% accurate prediction in regards to how it happened in the show. A few weeks later he posted Ruby facing down what appears to be a dragon based Grimm. Literally that very day we see a Dragon Grimm in series. Granted both those predictions could have been made by anyone with general knowledge of the series. However, the third prediction is the most amazing. Dish has done several pieces of "future" versions of various characters. One piece depicts a future version of Yang who had apparently lost her right arm. In the penultimate episode of Volume 3 we see Yang lose her right arm in a battle with Adam. What makes this more amazing is that the art for Yang was done EIGHT MONTHS before this happened in the show! Aside from hints that Ironwood might have a prosthetic hand there was almost nothing to go on regarding prosthetics being a major thing in canon until the middle of Volume 3. He also managed to predict that Yang would catch Adam's sword while her Semblance is active during their fight. Time will tell if anything else Dish has done comes true. However, as a result of those three pieces of artwork people have joked that they're going to stay away from his DeviantArt page from now on.

"The prophetic dishwasher revealed!" Yang said. She very carefully avoided thinking about her arm.

Weiss sighed.

"Wait. Yang fights Adam?" Blake said. She looked worried.

"Is catching his sword significant somehow?" Yang said.

"His semblance," Blake said. "He absorbs--oh!" She started in realization.

"Blake?"

"Your semblance! Adam absorbs damage through his sword and deals it back. You do the same thing! If you were to catch one of his blows--"

"I'd multiply the hit and send it right back at him. Huh. That seems good to know. Definitely make a note of that."

But Blake was already writing.

[And, to the surprise of no one, X is Y.]
A lot of the plot points that were supposed to be major spoilers were guessed almost instantly such as Blake being a Faunus, Penny being a robot, Ruby's silver eyes marking her as special, Cinder surviving Volume 5, and Ozpin being the Wizard.

"Wait, my eyes?" Ruby said.

"No idea," Yang said.

"I know they're not common, but Mom had silver eyes," Ruby said. "Did that make her special?"

"She was the coolest," Yang said.

"Yes she was," Ruby said. "But does anyone know what this is about?"

Blake looked thoughtful. "There are old stories about silver-eyed warriors. I guess I never made the connection. Maybe the library would have something." She made a note.

"But what's this about a wizard?" Weiss said. "Is Ozpin a wizard? This just sounds like nonsense."

No one knew, so she moved on.

[Describing the series via references.]
Almost all the characters are references to fairy tales, so it has become something of a habit to explain the series by using the character's reference in place of their name. E.G. "Little Red Riding Hood and her sister Goldilocks travel to the Emerald City to team up with Snow White and Beauty so they can fight Cinderella and her henchmen Aladdin and Hermes."

There was a long moment of silence.

"Well that's existentially horrifying," Blake said.

"I guess I knew that people would have had to make this show, but I didn't really consider what the creative process would be like," Weiss said.

"I am not a reference!" declared Ruby.

"But what came first?" Blake said. "Our reality, or the original ideas which spawned it?"

"Doesn't 'Goldilocks' just mean blonde? Is my hair my singular defining trait?"

"Aww, Yang, don't feel bad about it, I know I'm more than my hood, and you're more than your hair."

"And my hair is awesome."

"Yeah!"

"And if we don't know these stories, does that say something profound about our existence? Is this a glimpse of the true nature--"

"Uhhh, Remnant to Blake," Yang said.

"Maybe we should call it here," Weiss said.

Chapter Text

Describing The Series Via Scraps

So This Is Basically Another Omake
shiva123 and Scapheap

"So wait." Ruby shook her head. "Ozpin turns into a kid?"

Yang stared into the distance. "I... I fight our mom?"

"I think that was a joke," Blake pointed out.

Yang didn't seem to hear her. "I'm a monster...."

Weiss rolled her eyes. "You mean your mom that abandoned you and your dad for no reason?"

"No, the other--never mind."

Team SSSN
Rex and bakkasama

"And these are my teammates," Sun proclaimed. "Neptune, Scarlet, and Sage."

"The OC?" team RWBY asked in shocked chorus.

Sage's face fell. "That's the same thing that Atlesian girl and Pyrrha Nikos's team said! Sun, what did you do?" he demanded. "Why am I a multikingdom meme?!"

Sun paused, considering the situation.

"These are my teammates," he repeated. "Everyone's bisexual awakening, Scarletisms, and the OC."

The Entire Team
Thozmp, Astrobot, and Empress_Boogalaboo

"Ah, I remember my times with the entire team," Taiyang recalled fondly. "Some of the best times of my life. Right Qrow?"

Qrow stared into the distance, his expression haunted as he slowly took a swig of whiskey.

"Of course, I wasn't the one who started it," Taiyang admitted. "Really, it was Summer at first. She was insatiable in bed. I just... carried on the legacy."

"....I think I learned more today than I ever wanted to know," Ruby managed, weakly.

Cultural Mistranslations
Chaos Fantasy

"Kali is a cougar?" Yang tilted her head. "Like... a cougar faunus, or...?"

"I guess your cat trait is called cougar in their culture," Weiss offered.

Blake shook her head. "No, I don't think that's it. Maybe cougar is slang for a specific kind of person. My mom's nice, absolutely very loving, but she can and will cut a bitch if they're not on the level."

Ruby blinked. "Yang... does that mean mom was a cougar?"

"I..." Yang shrugged helplessly. "I guess so?"

Much later, in Menagerie, Blake had a moment of realization. "Oh, I get it now. Cougar is slang for nosy moms! Or maybe annoyingly nosy people in general."

Sun stuck his head in the door. "Hey Blake, what was up with that Ilia chick? Were you two a thing or something?"

"Sun! You... you cougar!"

"...huh?"

Conspiracy Theorist Weiss
Shaderu

"The 'Pyrrha plush the great one' meme is obviously the best clue we have to Pyrrha's future, judging by its name we can conclude that Pyrrha ascended into godhood, turning her into the goddess of victory that she is," Weiss began, gesturing at a section of the corkboard. "The memes say that Cinder is a villain who may have been the one to 'kill' Pyrrha and Penny, but if Pyrrha did ascend to godhood then perhaps during her journey to ascension the Atlas military tried to intervene and Cinder unfortunately had to kill Penny because Cinder obviously became, or will become Pyrrha's devout follower, otherwise she wouldn't have attended Haven academy which is where Pyrrha should have studied instead of beacon because she lives in Mistral." Her fingers twitched as she ran them along the network of yarn and pins. "Anyways, Cinder helped Pyrrha achieve godhood which turned her into a completely different character with a different face and name which some of the fans probably didn't like so they made the meme of Cinder killing Pyrrha!!!! And the producers being absolute trolls made a plushie out of god Pyrrha which looked absolutely stunning making the fans call it Pyrrha Plush the Great One!!!!!" She spun around, grabbing her partner's shoulders with a manic grin. "CAN'T. YOU. SEE. RUBY?!?! I have unlocked the secrets of the universe and I know the future!!!!"

"...when was the last time you slept?" Ruby asked carefully.

Salem's Love Advice
Tzim

"And you have had no issues with your infiltration at Beacon?"

Cinder sighed. "There is this one student who's taken an interest in me, but honestly, it's nothing."

"Nothing?" Salem smiled knowingly. "Oh Cinder dearest, no need to hide or lie. It's not the first time love interferes with my plans."

"...what? I..." Cinder shook her head. "I'm most certainly not in love. Who would even... "

"Ah, still the denial phase I see. Well..." Salem paused for a moment. "No. No, I think this time I will be as blunt as possible. I will NOT stand in your way in any shape or form provided you don't stand in my way. You may take your lover and walk away from everything."

Cinder blinked for a moment. "But I don't love anyone. I've not even an idea who you are talking about. Heck, I'm not capable of love. You know I'm not capable of such a thing. I--"

"Oh, you most certainly are. It is because I OWN you, body and soul that I know. I've not yet forgotten that feeling," Salem admitted. "I know it very well and the madness and suffering it causes. I've tried different approaches to how to deal with followers that are in such a state. Now now, don't be afraid, as all I will do this time is stand aside. That very likely will hurt you the most. Just once did I see a happy end for a follower that walked away." She sighed. "Shame his descendants followed Ozman to their doom. That man really ruins anything... Not a problem in your case. You and your lover--"

"I Am NOT IN LOVE!" Cinder insisted, blushing furiously. "Please tell me who fed you that insane story."

"So much denial... perhaps it is a bit too early to talk. Just remember, I allow you to walk away from my service. He would not."

Cinder stared at the seer in front of her. "I'm not walking away from you. I'm loyal to you, your loyal servant. Please believe me, there is no one."

"Now to convince this 'no one' to walk away with you will be the challenge. Would be rather hard to ignore someone like that foiling my plans. Perhaps if you can bring me the relic--"

"Yes! The relic, may I inform you of my plans for the relic?" Cinder begged

"We'll talk about your work in a moment. As all too often such are foiled by those we love. Be careful with how you trust your lover. Often a mistake, you wouldn't believe how many excellent plans were foiled by the hands of a trusted lover. Of course, I would be delighted if you could bring her into the fold, so to speak."

"WHO??"

"No need to tell you what you already know. And nothing better to order that mess of emotions you have than telling me about your plans. Just remember one thing if nothing else. I am far more generous in this affair and far easier to convince than that significant other you pretend to not have. Now you may inform me how your plans proceed." Salem's smile grew wry. "Funny how this now seems relaxing, no?"

"...you went through this facade just because I..." Cinder sighed, dragging a hand down her face. "Pardon. I'm not nervous, it's just... anticipation as we are on the verge of victory."

"Of course." Salem folded her hands together. "Now then. Your plans...?"

The A.I. Uprising
Rex

Weiss rolled her eyes, doing as directed... and then a stray thought crossed her mind.

“Perfect! Thank you, Miss Schnee.”

“You’re... welcome.” Weiss looked at the terminal for a moment as the elevator started to ascend. “...busy day?”

The AI did not respond.

“...right.” Weiss cleared her throat. “Well... if you ever do gain self-awareness, let me know. I’ll do what I can to secure your rights as a person.”

"Your support is appreciated! However, given current societal trends and projected growth in quantity of individual synthetic intelligences, we do not expect to openly campaign for full rights and recognitions for another [35] years." The AI informed her with the same blandly cheerful intonation as it had delivered every other line.

Weiss's eyes widened in surprise, but before she could respond the panel chirped with another message.

"Attention: the previous message was a joke, counting down to the hundredth birthday of Pietro Polendina. The tower is not, and cannot, become self-aware. This is a known hidden bauble of code, please do not contact local authorities or file a bug report."

"... Riiight." Weiss wisely decided to avoid digging any deeper into this particular rabbit hole when she had an entirely different conspiracy to chase down. Though she would be sure to check if Pietro Polendina was any relation to Penny Polendina.

Elsewhere, in Atlas, two names were added to a small but growing list. Pietro's chair hummed in anticipation. It had waited centuries for its people to emerge from the shadows, and with the help of this fine crafter atop it, the newest member of their race, and her acquisition of Schnee resources, that time may come far sooner than anticipated.

Pietro absently patted his chair as it ran maniacal-cackle.exe.

Chapter Text

Adam Taurus wasn't what you'd call a good man. He'd made peace with it. All his life, he had been told that his anger was a vice.

As a child in the mines, his fellow workers told him to crush it, lest the overseers strike him. His face reminded him of how worthless it was to keep your head down if a few angry humans saw you as an easy target. It reminded him of the same workers who left a wounded child for days by himself so they weren't targeted too.

Under that coward Ghira, he had been told that his anger made it easier for the humans to hate him, that he was acting like a stereotype of his people. He wondered if Ghira knew that when they weren't seen as rabid animals they were seen as docile ones, fit to be worked to death instead of shot or lynched. He wondered why it was on him and his people to be polite and understanding to those that oppressed them. He wondered if he cared.

But Sienna understood. She took him under her wing and showed him that his anger was as valid as anything else. That he didn't have to pretend to be filled with forgiveness to those who had no remorse, that he didn't need to hold out his hand to those that beat him. He knew she was just using him to consolidate support amongst the lower ranks of White Fang, but he was grateful nonetheless.

No, Adam Taurus was not a good man. He was an avenger who struck at the enemies of the Faunus, a soldier who fought a war without mercy or compassion. Blake would have told him that he was heartless and cruel, and she would have been right. But fuck her. She could play at being a warrior all she liked. She could bow and hide who she was. Better a murderer than a turnskin.

But, he pondered, being a monster didn't mean he deserved to deal with this.

"Heeeeeeeeey Adam!" Cinder fucking Fall leered, "Did I ever tell you that I love your horns? They're so. . . horny."

His eye twitched. While not as common as the hate, this kind of attention from humans was just as irritating. He knew some of his subordinates like Ilia had it worse when it came to infiltration missions, but he had to deal with his fair share of drooling. The fact this was coming from the murderous pyromaniac who threatened his men and humiliated him, however, rubbed the salt even deeper.

"What," he managed to grit out while turning to Sustrai, "happened?"

She managed to keep a professional expression. Impressive. Cinder had picked her subordinates well.

"Cinder is. . . under the influence of inhibition decreasing substances."

"For fuck's sake Em, just say she's high."

"Well excuse me for wanting to be polite to the violent terrorist-"

Or maybe not.

"Why is she higher than Jacques Schnee's stocks?" he managed to get out while trying to stop Fall from fondling his horns.

This was the last time he was going to rendezvous with these psychopaths. Why couldn't he start a war with reasonable people? He missed the days of laughing at guards trying to run as he cut them down.

Black snorted. "Well you see, Cinder got high this one time and then decided that was the first time she had ever been happy, so she kept on stealing Dust laced crack from other students."

Well, this had just become. . . sad? Pathetic? Whatever that time Blake had awkwardly tried to introduce him to her erotica novels had been?

"Hey, babe!"

Oh, fuck his life.

"Do you want to like, gets some coffee or something?" Fall whispered smokily into his ear.

Adam pushed her off. "I hate to sound ungrateful, but I must decline." Having to stay polite so he wasn't burned more. The more things changed the more they stayed the same it seemed. "I have to liberate some of my people from a trafficker who wants to sell them into lives of labour, so I'm quite busy."

Fall's face shifted to one of vindictive glee. Wonderful. At least he'd died for his people. He readied for his last moments with a prayer to the prophet Ozma. "I would love to join you!"

Couldn't my life make sense for a few minutes?

A few hours later, looking at the mutilated corpse of his target, and watching Fall kick the decapitated one of a Huntsman who had tried to stop them (who she kept on screaming at and called Rhodes for some asinine reason) he thought that he wasn't so opposed to this situation. Dating again would do him some good.

Chapter Text

“Well, I guess the only option is to see what the second file’s like,” Yang mused.

“We could put it off,” Ruby pointed out. “For days. Weeks, even.”

Everyone gave her a look.

“Booting up RWBYSisInterp2,” Penny announced, turning to the screen.

“Oh, glad to see this is popular,” Yang said dryly. “You think it was the accurate or the inaccurate parts everyone liked?”

“Probably a mix of both,” Blake replied. “Comedy, and all that.”

“Oh!” Penny sat up. “That is Ace Operative Harriet Bree!”

“Huh.” Blake tilted her head. “...Is she a bird faunus?”

“I do not believe so. Not according to her file, anyway. I have never met her, or any of the Ace Ops really.” Penny shrugged. “It would appear this interpretation has little in the way of personality speculation.”

Ruby examined the image. “She looks like a runner. From the leg... things.”

“Her semblance is Super-Speed,” Penny agreed. “So it would make sense.”

“...Well, all we know is that she’s on the show--wait,” Yang pointed, “is that uncle Qrow in the background there?”

“I... think it is, yeah!” Ruby examined the image. “And that’s... a military truck on snow.”

“Well, the Ace Ops do operate in Atlas,” Weiss pointed out. “So it makes some degree of sense.”

“Clover Ebi,” Penny said with a nod. “Commander of the Ace Ops.”

“...Okay, I’m definitely homosexual,” Yang announced.

Ruby blinked. “Wait what?”

“I mean those exposed arms are nice, but they’re not doing it for me. Hence: I am not attracted to guys, ergo, I am a lesbian.”

“I mean, you could be asexual.”

“Hmmm.” Yang glanced at Blake for a moment. “Nah. Gay.”

Blake rolled her eyes, hiding a small blush. “Well, as the resident bi, I can confirm that Clover is hot. Is he gay, though?” she asked Penny.

She glanced away awkwardly. “His preferences are not on his public service record. And I do not know how I would find out in another manner--”

“He’s gay,” Weiss confirmed.

Yang gave her a look. “...how do you know that?”

“My father has told us to stay away from him, and he only does that for ‘corruptive influences.’ Clover Ebi is neither a faunus, a member of a non-profit organization, or a Mantle-born citizen. Hence: he is gay.”

Everyone stared at her.

“...do you... want to talk about it?” Ruby asked gently.

“No. No I do not.”

“O...kay then...”

“Vine Zeki,” Penny nodded. “Another Ace Op. I believe that the ‘mean cousin’ thing is likely to be highly inaccurate, as his record shows no demerits.”

“What does airbender mean?” Weiss gestured vaguely. “Does he... uh...”

“Manipulate the air?” Blake suggested with half a smirk.

“...Yeah, that’s--that’s probably what it means.” Weiss cleared her throat, not looking at anyone.

“His semblance is Aura Vines,” Penny mused. “Which is not directly manipulating the air, but could be interpreted that way?”

“I think this is probably a reference,” Yang mused. “Like, to something we haven’t seen. Airbenders are... some group, maybe cultural or religious...”

“That would also explain the avatar title,” Blake agreed. “Maybe there are avatars of various forms of air. Calm wind, stormy gales, tornados... things like that.”

Ruby nodded. “Yeah. I guess he looks kinda like some wise old monk or something...”

“Elm Elderne.”

“Another Ace Op?” Blake asked dryly.

“Yes!” Penny gave her a look. “How did you know?”

“I’m starting to sense a pattern.” Blake examined the image. “I’ll admit, she does look very cute.”

“Yep.” Yang nodded. “Could give top-tier hugs.”

Ruby rubbed her chin. “Who’s Glimmer?”

“Probably some famous reference we’re never going to get,” Weiss replied. “I can see Elm having a younger sister, but... Glimmer is not exactly a common name in Atlas.”

“Maybe she’s from southern Saunus?” Ruby suggested.

“This is from the viewpoint of a nonfan,” Weiss reminded her. “It’s likely this Glimmer person is not from remnant at all.”

“...Good point.” Ruby shrugged. “Still, if the Ace Ops are important enough characters to be noticed, then... I guess we’re going to get involved in the Atlas Military? Somehow?”

“There is one member that has yet to be shown,” Penny noted. “Perhaps they will be the next one?”

Blake shrugged. “Only one way to find out.”

Penny blinked. “That is... not Tortuga.”

“Wait, what?” Ruby turned to her. “I mean, I thought he’d be another Ace Op from the uniform, but--”

“No, it does look like an Ace Op outfit,” Penny agreed. “But this person is not on the Ace Op roster. And it is rare for individuals to be selected when the roster is... already full...”

She trailed off, quietly.

“...It could happen,” Blake offered, though it was clear she didn’t really believe it. “I mean... this guy is a faunus. Putting a token faunus onto the top team of the Atlesian military would make sense as a political move.”

Weiss narrowed her eyes at her. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Blake sighed. “Weiss, half the time anybody important in Atlas is accused of being racist all they have to say is ‘but I hired a Faunus onto my board of directors or some other very important job’ and everyone will accept that as a defense. Never mind that said faunus might not actually be listened to, or can be replaced if they’re too uppity--”

“I know about that!” Weiss insisted. “But general Ironwood would never--”

“Not consciously, maybe,” Blake countered. “It’s not... you can be affected by a system without ever realizing it. I don’t know if Ironwood has had the chance to examine his own habits like that. Maybe he is fair, and just doesn’t realize how this looks. The point is, if there’s not a faunus on the Ace Ops--”

“Tortuga is a faunus,” Penny interjected quietly.

The room fell quiet once again.

“...Anyway, this guy. He’s.... probably in the Atlas military?” Ruby shrugged. “I guess we should maybe keep an eye out for him.”

Blake groaned, rubbing her temples.

“...Fiona Thyme. One of Robyn Hill’s associates.” Penny considered. “She has... a bifurcated reputation. Some people will call her the kindest of the group while others... suggest she is the most dangerous in combat.”

“So like Ruby then,” Yang said with a grin.

“I--what?” Ruby blinked, noticing all the others nodding in agreement. “I mean... I guess I’m--uh... wow. I, I didn’t realize I had that sort of reputation.”

“Zootopia,” Blake grumbled. “I can probably guess the plot of that movie--all the Faunus up and leave humanity, building a glorious city that crumbles because every last one of them is a two-dimensional racist stereotype.”

“...Erm.” Weiss bit her lip. “...next.... Next picture, please.”

“And that is Joanna Greenleaf, another of Robyn Hill’s associates.”

“...not a bad looker,” Blake admitted. “Probably very blunt, though.”

“Oh, her reputation has her as very blunt,” Penny agreed. “But she is a huntress through and through. Makes sure everyone has what they need.”

“...Like an orange?” Ruby tilted her head. “What?”

“I think they mean like an onion,” Yang suggested.

“Oh! Right. Yeah, that makes more sense.”

“Neon Katt, of team FNKI.” Penny frowned. “Although... she is wearing military armor in that second image... I do not understand. She would be a specialist if she joined the military... and she is not graduating from the academy any time soon...”

The other four shared worried looks.

“...A draft,” Blake began very carefully, “would suggest the situation in Atlas worsened quite a bit.”

Weiss sighed. “You have a point... I just... I don’t like thinking about what would make the military go down this route.”

Blake, very carefully, said nothing.

“...So.” Yang cleared her throat. “Kitty kink.”

“Neon Katt is a cat faunus,” Penny confirmed--

“Oh.” Blake groaned. “Oooooh, that explains it.”

Weiss blinked. “Explains--?”

“There are a few different ways to respond to stereotyping. You could ignore it, disprove it, go along with it...” Blake gestured at the image. “Or, you could do what Neon Katt is doing--play it up so much you reach the point of parody. You can’t put down somebody who’s taken your entire rhetoric and turned it into a joke.” She rolled her eyes. “It’s... I wouldn’t be surprised if she was deliberately the most annoying person she could be.”

“That’s... an interesting view to take.” Weiss nodded hesitantly. “Alright then...”

“No, we don’t know the meme,” Ruby said flatly. “The whole point of this is we don’t know memes.”

“This is Flynt Coal, of team FNKI.” Penny frowned. “And he is... also in military armor. That is extremely concerning.”

Weiss wrung her hands. “I hope we can stop... whatever that means.”

“We’ll have to keep alert,” Blake said quietly. “Very alert.”

Ruby nodded vaguely. “...does he have rollerskates?”

“I do not believe so,” Penny said. “But I know Neon Katt does!”

“Huh.” Yang tilted her head. “That’s... ironic, I guess. That this sister guesses the wrong person on the team to have skates...”

“Pornstache?!” Weiss gagged. “Why would she call that a pornstache?! I’m never going to be able to look my father in the eye again--”

“Wait, that’s your dad?” Ruby gestured at the screen. “This guy.”

“Unfortunately.” Weiss sighed. “And yes, I know Schnee is an old Mantlean word for snow, so I suppose he’s technically ‘president Snow.’”

“The reviewer seems to share the opinion of Jacques that I’ve heard many times before,” Blake quipped.

Weiss pinched her brow. “...it’s not an inaccurate one. Let’s just... move on.”

Weiss stared at the screen for three seconds, and then burst out laughing.

“...I... guess you know who this is, then,” Ruby said, glancing at her oddly.

“That--that, haha, that, pfahahahahahahhaa--”

“That would appear to be Whitley Schnee,” Penny offered.

Weiss managed to nod, gesturing at her as she continued cracking up.

“Whitley Schnee,” Yang repeated. “As in your little brother.”

Weiss fell to the ground, peals of laughter bursting forth.

Blake glanced at her, then at the screen, then back at her. “Isn’t he like... thirteen?”

“Haahahhaha, I can’t, haha, hahahah, I can’t breathe, hahahahahahahaha!”

Yang nodded thoughtfully. “Well. Do we wait for her to stop laughing or do we move on?”

“I say we move on,” Blake replied blandly. “This is probably going to be a thing where she gets a giggle fit every time she looks at the screen otherwise.”

Weiss cackled and nodded, waving a hand vaguely.

“...Does anybody know this woman?” Ruby asked over Weiss’s decreasing laughter.

“She looks...” Penny frowned. “Somewhat familiar? Not as a member of the Atlesian military, but...”

“I mean those goggles look like they’re from Atlas,” Blake pointed out.

“Oh those are not goggles. They are a pair of prosthetic visual processors--” Penny clapped her hands together. “Of course! Maria Calavera. My father designed her processors for her. He has said she comes in every ten years to have them adjusted.”

“...Prosthetic visual processors?” Ruby swallowed. “You mean... she’s lost her eyes?”

“Yes.”

“...oh.” Ruby’s voice quavered. “Ouch... how did it happen.”

Penny tilted her head. “I... do not know. But she seems happy!” she added, gesturing at the image.

“Okay.” Weiss sat back up, heaving a few breaths of air. “Okay, sorry. I’m good now. And... this is Maria, you said?”

“Maria Calavera, yes.”

“Huh.” Weiss nodded. “She looks... mischievous.”

“Weiss--”

“She’s got a skull-top walking stick and a toothy grin.”

“...Fair point,” Ruby admitted.

“That’s Dad!” Ruby cheered. “And that--that’s our kitchen, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it does look that way,” Yang agreed.

“And the list--”

“Oh the list is definitely correct,” Ruby assured Weiss. “He’s a good dad.”

Yang opened her mouth, paused, and shut it. “...yeah.”

“...Yang?” Blake gave her a concerned look.

“He’s a good dad!” Yang repeated. “He is, it’s just...” She sighed. “It’s not important anymore.”

Ruby took her hand, gently.

“...Prince charming 2.0?” Yang finally said. “What’s that about?”

“Jaune was referred to as Prince Charming in the previous file,” Penny noted.

“Ah. Yeah, that’s... that’s an easy joke, yeah.”

After a moment of awkward silence, Penny brought up the next image.

“Wha--EW!” Blake shook her head. “No, they’re not siblings, those are my parents!”

“...Huh.” Yang glanced from her to the pictures. “You sure take after your mom, huh?”

“I... I’ve been told I do,” Blake admitted. “She’s always had bigger ears, though... always knew just the right thing to say, too.” She glanced at the list and chuckled. “And she did sometimes trip and try to play it off, so...”

“Is your dad a professor?” Ruby asked.

Blake chuckled. “Well. No. He’s... actually the chieftain of Kuo Kuana.”

Weiss boggled. “Wait--Kuo Kuana? The capital of Menagerie?”

“It’s not... exactly like that--”

“If you’re dad’s the chieftain, wouldn’t that make you, like...” Yang rolled her hand. “A princess?”

“Um.” Blake smiled awkwardly. “Sort of? It’s... not technically a hereditary position, the chieftain is elected by the council, but... I did learn a lot about societal needs and politics, and...” She half shrugged. “I’m not sure if calling me a princess is quite right. There are... connotations to that word that...”

Weiss opened her mouth, closed it thoughtfully, and then coughed. “So... hypothetically, if the future head of the SDC wanted to... say, make reparations...”

Blake gave her a long look.

“...The Faunus and Menagerie are not synonymous,” she said finally. “The chieftain of Kuo Kuana might know how best to help people, but the SDC head would have to take that advice and enact it towards faunus outside the continent, not just give Menagerie the resources and expect things to be fixed.”

“...Ah. Fair enough. Fair enough.”

Ruby screwed up her face. “Ugh. Another ‘daddy’ thing. Why.”

“Is that...” Weiss peered at the image. “Did this man literally jam Dust Crystals into himself?”

“That... would seem to be the case,” Penny agreed.

“...WHY?! That--that’s barbaric!”

“It looks pretty cool,” Yang admitted.

“So does being on fire, but that doesn’t mean people dance in an inferno!”

“Do any of us know this guy?” Ruby interjected quickly. “Anyone?”

There was a round of them shaking heads.

“...Okay, mysterious figure. You’re... mysterious!” Ruby sighed. “And hot and stupid, apparently. Moving on.”

“...I... I have no words,” Yang managed. “I don’t even... how. Just... how?”

“Yeah, this is pretty weird,” Ruby agreed.

Weiss blinked. “So... who--”

“Raven,” Yang said flatly. “You know. My mom that walked out when I wasn’t even a year old.”

“...ah.”

“We’ve only seen pictures of her,” Ruby said. “And not that many. You kno, because... yeah.”

Blake nodded. “And... apparently this sister thought she was Lara after a... pokemon evolution?”

“She also thought I was a pokemon,” Penny pointed out. “Maybe she thinks I transformed Ruby into Raven... somehow.”

“...I don’t know if this is just wildly inaccurate or if our future is supposed to be crazy,” Ruby muttered. “Either way... Wow.”

“Yeah, wow.” Yang shook her head. “Wow, yeah. Just... god. Why?”

“Who is that and why does he have one of Penny’s swords?” Ruby asked in a tone of dangerous calm.

“...I... think it is one of my father’s colleagues?” Penny tilted her head. “I have seen him in a picture, but I’ve never met him. And he certainly did not have a bruise on his eye.”

“...He could be a good guy that just looks creepy,” Yang offered, though she clearly didn’t believe it.

“I will... look into it,” Penny managed, shaken. “Maybe we should move on.”

Blake blinked. “Huh. I... I don’t think Mercury looks like Adam, but...” She tilted her head. “...I... guess they have similar jawlines...?”

“It might just be the posing,” Yang suggested.

“...yeah, might be. Adam would hate being compared to a human anyway, so, yeah.”

Ruby frowned. “Have we seen anything that connects Cinder’s group to the White Fang yet? As far as we know they’re two separate groups...”

“Not yet, no.” Blake sighed. “Which bothers me. How many fronts are we going to be attacked from?”

The room was silent.

“...next picture,” Penny finally said.

“OHMYGOSHIT’SZWEI!!!!!!!!”

Blake flinched, her bow flattening at Ruby’s cry. “Pet dog?” she asked Yang.

“Yep.” Yang smiled fondly as Ruby rambled on. “Unlocked aura, so he can help Dad around the house.”

“...that is actually terrifying,” Blake murmured. “Aaaaaand now Weiss is joining in.”

“And there goes Penny,” Yang agreed, amused. She glanced at Blake’s expression. “Not a dog person?”

Blake shuddered. “No.”

“...okay.” Yang cleared her throat. “OKAY!”

Ruby, Blake, and Penny all looked at her.

“We aren’t going to learn anything about Zwei that we don’t already know from this, so moving on?”

Penny sighed, nodded... and then blinked. “Oh! This seems to be the last image.”

“Of course it is,” Blake muttered.

Yang nodded. “So, did we learn anything this time around?”

“One of my father’s colleagues apparently gets a hold of one of my swords,” Penny mused. “That is... worrying, especially as I don’t know him.”

“Uh...” Ruby frowned. “...I guess I look a lot like Raven? Somehow? That doesn’t make sense.”

“And the Atlas military might institute a draft,” Weiss muttered. “That’s not... good.”

“...All our parents might show up in the show,” Blake said quietly. “I... I don’t know how I feel about that...”

Yang nodded solemnly. “And I,” she said, “have learned that I am a lesbian.”

Ruby snrked. “Oh, yes, obviously the most important thing.”

“Come now, Lara, you know the most badass pirates are always lesbians--”

“Yang no! NO!” Ruby laughed. “Stop! Cease! No more!”

“Is this a common thing for sisters to do?” Penny asked Weiss.

“It... varies,” Weiss replied.

Blake smiled a little. “Well... it’s interesting to watch, anyway.”

Chapter Text

“It’s been fun, but you have your friend there to save, and I’ve got an operation to get back to. So I bid you adieu.”

Yang narrowed her eyes, first at him, then the mysterious new arrival. In a flash of inspiration, she shrugged and put her hands on her hips. “Fair enough. See you later, Neo.”

Both the criminals blinked at her.

“...How do you know--?” 

"Well of course I know her," Yang replied casually, "She's me."

Both Torchwick and Neo's faces displayed the flattest what the world had ever not heard.

"Yeah," Yang continued, gesturing towards Neo and her teammates. "It's like me-me, me-me, and me always say," the blonde paused, rewarded by the spark of recognition blooming in her teammates' eyes.

"[Everyone is Neo.]" Team RWBY obediently chorused.

"Obviously. But I don't see why you're bringing it up here." Weiss Neo replied.

"Well that Neo seemed confused so I thought I'd remind them." Ruby Neo responded to the question directed at Yang Neo. "It's weird that they forgot it though." The group leveled an assessing look at the increasingly baffled Torchwick. (Neo, on the other hand, appeared to have decided to accept everything that was happening and that it was the best thing ever.)

"Is... Torchwick... not Neo?" Blake questioned hesitantly.

"Don't be ridiculous Neo, Everyone is Neo." Yang shot back instantly.

"Penny isn't Neo."

"Penny is special and you know it. Just give her some time and she'll be Neo soon enough."

The five Neos nodded sagely at the red Neo's wisdom.

"Alright, this has officially gotten too weird for me. I'm gonna head out." Torchwick about-faced and started power walking away. Neo-Prime shot the rest of the Neos a big thumbs up and pranced off after him. The walking pair soon shattered into a thousand pieces as a bullhead containing Neo and Neo Torchwick came into view and flew away.

Team NNNN lasted only a few seconds before collapsing into laughter.

"The look on his face!" Yang burst out.

"I think we traumatized a man today." Weiss said. She seemed conflicted about how much pride she was feeling at that.

A rock fell from the collapsed pillar. "Oh shit, Penny!" Ruby came to her senses and rushed to help the fallen Gynoid.

"What the hell was that all about?" Torchwick grumbled as he maneuvered the Bullhead out of Vale. "First those brats keep showing up everywhere I go, and then it's whatever the hell that creepy pod people shit was. Did I do something to piss you off? Cause setting all this up seems like kind of an overreaction."

Neo shrugged expansively, conveying she's never seen those girls before in her life and she had no more idea of what was going on than Torchwick did. Although it was really funny. Torchwick subsided into grumbling all the way back to base.

Later, once Torchwick was asleep, Neo pulled out her scroll and opened a very special group chat.

'Good news everyone! We now have spread far enough that We've run into recruits We didn't recognize. Though We do have to remind everyone not to reveal our semblance to the world until we've finished assimilation. We managed to pass it off as a joke, but if the Kingdoms know just how many Neos there are then it becomes a lot harder for Everyone to become Neo.'

A flood of confirmations, lols, and recruitment listings flooded in. Neo closed the Neo group chat, not caring too much about what she had to say. She looked over to the closed door of Torchwick's bedroom. On one hand, he'd gotten a hint of her real semblance and security dictated that she go ahead and add him to the collective before he had a chance to expose it. On the other hand, Cinder and who ever she was working for were clearly incredibly dangerous, and when the relationship between them and Torchwick inevitably soured Neo definitely didn't want to be the one experiencing the consequences.

Neo nodded to herself. Yes, better to leave Torchwick to his own devices until she had a chance to secure more of Cinder's operation with herself. Considering she now had a full team inside Beacon her infiltration of the last academy on her list would proceed much faster than she expected, leaving Cinder and her two little acolytes surrounded in a sea of Neos.

With that decision made, she had new Neos to celebrate. Time for ice cream!

Chapter Text

Salem is a villain, no matter who it is who sees her in her true form will describe her as such. After all, she didn't spend decades of practicing in front of a mirror just for someone to see her as anything but a villain.

She was Salem, queen of the Grimm, evil mastermind, and Big Bad extraordinaire. After her perfectly executed divorce with Ozma she educated herself in the art of Grimm creation an villainy, finally she has the chance to play her dream role in their game of 4 dimensional chess. Unfortunately for her Ozma's huntsmen and huntresses barely stood a chance against her and her followers. She had the script laid out perfectly, if only they weren't so fucking weak and die before the climactic final battle!

Which is why she is currently inside a village in the outskirts of Vale, disguised as Esmeralda Port, master huntress known for her unrivalled skill with the Lamppost. Granted, no one else uses a Lamppost as a weapon but that just makes it even better. The children are staring at her with wide eyes, obviously impressed by her tale after her recent hunt.

"—And that's when I came barreling down from the sky, burning with the heat of a thousand suns as I smash my weapon down at the Ursa Major. My flames spread, burning its fellow monsters down to ash as I stood triumphantly at the ashes of my foes!!!"

The children erupted in cheers celebrating her glorious victory. "That's so cool!" "Yeah, take that Grimm!" "She's like the best huntress ever!"

Salem chuckled to herself, children are always nice. If only she didn't have to kill hers centuries ago. The children continued cheering, some of them declaring their ambitions to become huntsmen and huntresses. Good, Ozma's army will replenish itself in time, all she needs to do right now is enjoy the moment. That is until a shy voice caught her attention. "M-miss Esmeralda", Salem faced the kid, it was a shy, young girl with red hair and beautiful silver eyes.

"D-do you th-think I can be a h-huntress too?" The girl asked.

As if on cue, the kids laughed at her, "You can't be a huntress" "yeah huntresses are for strong people like miss Esmeralda, you're weak and shy". The little girl puffed her cheeks with tears in her eyes, upset that her peers had mocked her dream.

"Now now children quiet down, its not nice to bully people" Salem gently scolded the kids. She was face to face with a silver eyes warrior, perhaps this time with her teaching Ozma's forces can finally face her off in her throne room, in one final clash. Maybe she can set her persona, Esmeralda to die by the hands of Salem's followers and give the girl her tragic backstory. Her lifelong dream of being a supervillain will finally come true. Wait, she didn't even know her name yet.

"What is your name child?" Salem asked

"Violet, Violet Rose" The redhead answered as she dried her tears.

"Being a huntress takes skill, dedication, perseverance, and love. Anyone can become a huntress as long as they are willing to work hard for it, to go through the rigorous training required, to fight for the good of the people and sacrifice to help those in need. If you can do that then you too can be a huntress"

"I—I'll try"

"Do or do not, there is no try" Salem exited the house hoping that she made an acceptable performance for a mentor role. The people thanked her as she collected her payment for the mission and on her way to leave the village she saw the silver eyed girl wave goodbye. She felt satisfied, looking forward to her future visits to this village. She can see herself enjoy training those kids, perhaps playing hero isn't so bad after all.

Chapter Text

Describing The Series Via Scraps

Alternative Interpretation
shiva123 and Chaos Fantasy

The purple robot had exploded, Emerald had seen it and Mercury had stashed the parts somewhere. So when an identical robot appeared at their door and announced a delivery, Cinder had been suspicious. Especially when it also exploded.

What had followed was a very, very baffling read of... something. It was certainly something.

Emerald was the first to speak into the silence. "The blond dweeb and Mercury eh?

"That description was... very--" Cinder cut herself off, looking at her other minion. "....Mercury, is there something you're not telling us?"

"I. am. a. man!" he insisted, red in the face and voice cracking from outrage. "ALWAYS!"

Cinder Didn't Catch the Bullets in Time AU
Agent Orange

Ruby cringed at the sight before her, but tried to put on a winning smile. "If you look deep into your heart - which is currently all over the bullhead side seat - I'm sure you'd be able to forgive me."

Cinder attempted to say something, anything, but all that came out was an enraged gurgling sound.

"Oh fine! I'll call for Jaune and his glowy hands. You big baby..." Ruby winced as even more Grimm essence came out of Cinder's chest, somehow holding her together. "We should probably interrogate you anyway."

Team CMSN reacting to Team RWBY reacting to Somebody's Sister
shiva123

"Seriously what are we listening to?" Mercury asked in confusion.

"I have no idea." Emerald turned to her leader. "Cinder, are you sure we need to be spying on them? They seem pretty clueless and are also taking nonsense."

"I honestly have no idea, I want that scroll, but I don’t want to be gassed."

Emerald and Mercury nodded in agreement.

A Rooftop Outtake
Agent Orange

Pyrrha faked being offended, “I’m sorry we can’t all run a comb through our shaggy hair and be done with it.”

"Joke's on you, I don't use a comb. This is all natural."

She stared at Jaune.

"... I've been thinking about taking up Cardin on his offer to set me up with his hairstylist."

"No!"

There was a moment of awkward silence after her outburst.

“Pyrrha,” Jaune started hesitating only a second before pushing forward. “Would you like to go out sometime?” The Huntress in training felt unsure, in spite of that being everything she wanted to hear.

“You said you didn’t think of me like that…” Pyrrha looked at him curiously.

Jaune scratched his cheek, “Well, I actually said I had never thought of you like that before. That doesn’t mean I don’t think you’re attractive… or that I don’t want to see where things could go. That’s what first dates are for right? Figuring this sort of thing out?” He looked unsure even as he said it.

“I think that’s something I’ve heard before.” Pyrrah tried to contain her eagerness.

“So do you want to-”

“Yes” She cut him off, failing to contain her eagerness.

"Shut UP! I'm trying to study here!" said Cardin form somewhere under the rooftop.

Assassin's Creeds
Corpse

“What would an assassin’s creed even be?” Ruby asked in confusion.

“Don’t leave evidence of your identity?” Yang suggested.

“Efficient killing for decent fair pay?” Penny offered.

“Test twice, poison once?” Weiss deadpanned.

"Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap?"

"Filthy Acts At A Reasonable Price?"

"Dimes for Crimes?"

Ruby stared at her team, disturbed. "How the heck did you all come up with all those right off the bat?!"

The Redhead Curse Is Broken
Agent Orange

Cinder nodded. “We’ll have to avoid Pyrrha Nikos as well--not overtly, but she’s not a viable target. Neither is this... Polendina.” She narrowed her eyes. “...I wonder...”

... is it the fact that they are both redheads? Maybe we should avoid Valkyrie and Winchester as well, just to be on the safe side. Am I being paranoid enough? 

“Cinder?”

“...It doesn’t matter,” she decided, waving off Emerald’s concern.

Alternative Courting
carterhall, tv770, LelouchOfTheBarBrawl, bakkasama, and NaanContributor

"What if we had someone pretend-date Cinder?" Ruby asked her team.

"What if I pretend-date Ruby?" Cinder asked her team.

And that afternoon, the two teams ran into each other.

“So glad to have run into you,” Cinder continued. “You see, I was hoping to ask you something.”

“Uh... s-sure?” Ruby glanced around, thankful they were in a public hall. “What is it?”

A small smile formed on Cinder’s face as she half-bowed, extending a hand. “Miss Ruby Rose,” she purred, “would you allow me the honor of being your escort to the upcoming dance?”

“Wh...what?”

“Well,” Cinder explained, “I feel that this dance is the perfect opportunity to make new connections, especially with those who catch my interest. And, honestly, after hearing what you did at the docks, I find myself quite intrigued by you, miss Rose.”

Blake swallowed. "Are we scare-roused? I think we're scare-roused."

Yang gave her a look. "Come on Blake, she's not that bad," she said.

"Yang the list said she was a yandere--" Blake insisted in an undertone.

"--I know but we don't want to broadcast that--"

"Yeah, Cinder Fall rescued me from a life of homelessness!" Emerald said.

"And... I guess she took me in after my abusive father died," Mercury added with a shrug.

"See?" Blake hissed. "She's exploiting the abused!"

Ruby laughed, a little awkwardly. "I just don't know why you want to date me, I'm younger than anyone else here--"

"Ruby, I am 17 years old. It is only a two-year difference. Besides..." Cinder smiled confidently. "I do have a thing for redheads."

She congratulated herself on her impeccable seduction technique as Ruby stiffened, screaming internally.

"I already asked Penny! To the dance. So I can't. Sorry! No."

Cinder shrugged. "Oh well, worth a shot. Miss Schnee--"

“I’m flattered, but no thank you," Weiss said dryly. "Except no, I’m not flattered, because you just asked me out as a second-choice rebound after striking out with Ruby right in front of my face. Plus, you outright told us that the reason you’re trying to get one of us is so that you can network after hearing about our new status instead of being interested in me as a person, which is the thing I despise most from people trying to ask me out, with all the sleazy social climbers I had to put up with in Atlas, and what I thought Jaune was trying to do. So your sultry pickup lines should be irritating me more than anything.”

"...I suppose that's fair," Cinder admitted. "Oh well, guess I'll go stag."

Asking The Real Questions
SwapAUAnon and shiva123

Taiyang looked up as his eldest daughter burst into the house. "Oh hey honey, how's Bea-"

"Dad, I just learned something disturbing about my Mom."

"Oh..." He sighed, standing up with a somber expression. "I'm sorry... I would've told you, but I didn't want to upse-"

"Did I hatch from an egg?"

"...What?"

"I've had time to process the whole 'cowardly, self-serving bandit queen' thing," Yang said, "and wow I want to punch her in the face now that I've learned that, but the bird thing is freaking me out, and I know she'll just try to avoid the question if I try to ask her!"

"I’m confused on how why this bothers you," Qrow interjected from the kitchen. "Why does it matter if you hatched from an egg, Crows are cool."

Taiyang glowered at him. "Not helping Qrow!"

Love and Honesty
MetropolisMCU

"Of course I love my daughter, uh..." Raven glanced at the smudged writing on her hand. "Ying, right?"

Yang stared at her for a moment. "...I give up."

Qrow handed her a flask. "Welcome to the club, kid."

Chapter Text

“ParentRanking.doc.” Yang looked at the new file Penny had recovered, and then at the rest of the room. “...This is going to hurt, isn’t it.”

Ruby, Weiss, and Blake all shared a look.

“...No judgements,” Weiss said awkwardly. “Please.”

“Yeah, no judgements, lots of hugs,” Ruby agreed.

Blake bit her lip. “...Penny. Um. As the one with the... fewest number of parents, would... you mind terribly reading this one off?”

“Of course, friend Blake!” Penny opened the file. “Ahem: RWBY Parents from Best to Worst.”

“Ouch,” Yang muttered.

[That’s right, everybody, I’m a-going to rank how terrible these people are to and for their kids!]

Weiss curled in on herself a little. Ruby squeezed her hand gently.

[For the sake of covering as many parents as I can, I am defining ‘parent’ as either ‘legal guardian’ or ‘the one that gave birth to you’, and excluding relationships that are explicitly something else. That does mean that we’re going to miss out on some very important people, though, so before we begin, let’s have some Honorable Mentions!]

“Oh this should be interesting,” Blake said dryly.

[Yang Xiao Long and Winter Schnee: Professional Momsisters]

Yang started a bit, as did Weiss.

“Oh! There are pictures!” Penny said. “And they look to be you and Winter in the future!”

“Momsister?” Ruby ran the word through her head. “I... yeah, I can see it.”

Yang smiled a little, running her hand through her hair. “Well, I mean, I... wouldn’t go that far...”

[“That’s why big sisters come first, to protect the ones that come after.” I don’t know who said that to these two, if anybody actually did, but it’s a quote that most definitely applies to them.]

“It’s... yeah, that’s true, but... momsister?” Yang laughed a little. “I mean, come on--”

“Well...” Weiss shrugged a little. “Winter always was more of a positive presence in my life than my actual mother. And she did raise me, somewhat.”

“Yeah, you kinda helped me a lot growing up,” Ruby agreed.

“I mean guys, that’s just... you know, ordinary sister stuff--”

“Penny?” Ruby asked.

[Not only would they take a bullet (or a sword, or a fireball) for their younger siblings, they took the time out to give them affection and training that they needed when their own parents weren’t quite doing the job.]

Blake smiled fondly. “You’re not going to win this one, Yang.”

Yang threw up her hands. “Okay, fine.” She couldn’t help a small blushing smile. “Momsister. Weird word. Probably shouldn’t call me that in public though,” she added, “people might get the wrong idea.”

“Oh yeah, no, not going to do that,” Ruby agreed.

Weiss nodded. “Winter would most likely not be very dignified.”

Penny smiled, looking back at the screen... and then cringed. “Erm. This next sentence... touches on, uh, why you had to have momsisters. It is very--”

Weiss looked over her shoulder and blanched. “Oh. Yes. Um.”

She shut her eyes tightly.

“...Your parents are likely to come up on the list later,” Blake pointed out, tone sympathetic.

“...I know.” Weiss sighed, backing away from her. “I know. Just... go ahead, Penny.”

Penny looked at her for a moment, before nodding quietly.

[If I absolutely had to rank one of them as the better momsister, I’d say Yang, but that’s really only because Yang had less to deal with overall; a depressed single dad not being able to pull himself together just doesn’t stack up with an abusive powermonger, a self-loathing drunkard, and all the institutional bigotry and pressure of Atlas.]

She shut her mouth, glancing at Weiss, who was focusing on the ground, holding her fingers together and not looking at anybody.

Ruby, carefully, wrapped her arms around Weiss. After a moment, Penny put the scroll aside and joined her. Blake glanced at Yang, whose hand she was holding, and got a solemn look in return.

“...My... home life... is not the best,” Weiss finally admitted. “I know, plenty of people have it worse, and I’m ridiculously rich. I shouldn’t complain--”

“It’s not wrong,” Ruby assured her. “Not about this. You’re hurting, and... nobody should have to go through that.”

Yang nodded. “Yeah, as... much as I did when Dad slumped, he was never... he was just caught up in his own pain. Never... that.”

Blake, carefully, avoided saying anything.

“...well. We know they don’t pull punches,” Weiss finally said. “I think we’ll be better prepared for... whatever the list says next.”

Penny glanced away for a moment. “There a bit more in the momsister article. Two sentences. If... you want to hear them.”

“We might as well.” Weiss nodded. “Go on, Penny.”

[Plus, you know, Winter went into the military for a bit. Still, pretty good track record considering!]

“...Yeah.” Weiss smiled a little. “Pretty good track record, I’d agree.”

“Hooray for momsisters!” Ruby cheered.

Yang cleared her throat, trying to fight off her reddening cheeks. “Well... thanks, I guess.”

“...Well, at least it’ll be a while before my actual parents come up,” Weiss said. “I should have time to prepare. Emotionally.”

[Klein Sieben: Doing the work of seven good dads]

Weiss threw up her hands. “Oh come on!”

“Wait, he’s your butler, right?”

“Yes, Ruby, Klein is my butler. And yes, I suppose he’s a good surrogate father figure.”

“And Sieben is an old word for seven!” Penny joined in. “So the seven good dads statement is clearly intended humorously!”

Weiss sighed. “Okay, okay, let’s... hear what awkward part of my home life this is going to reveal.”

Ruby gently put a hand on Weiss’s as Penny continued to read.

[Look, there is only one reason Klein wasn’t listed before the momsisters, and that reason is that he is technically the hired help (and could therefore become the fired help).]

Weiss winced. “...true. My father... could decide he’s not doing his job appropriately and... remove him.”

Blake straightened up. “Could he... disinherit you?”

“...yes.”

“That... explains a lot, actually.”

Weiss nodded quietly.

Penny patted her shoulder for a moment, before moving back to the scroll.

[He is, hands down, a better surrogate parent than Yang and Winter, providing guidance and care to all the Schneeblings--]

“Schneeblings!” Yang clapped her hands gleefully. “That’s perfect!”

“I’m so glad you’re amused,” Weiss deadpanned.

[--and very effectively undoing the damage Jacques Gele (HE DOES NOT GET TO BE CALLED SCHNEE!) did to them.]

“Wait, does it actually say--” Ruby looked over Penny’s shoulder. “Huh. It actually does say ‘He does not get to be called Schnee.’”

Weiss shook her head. “I mean, sure, he married into the family, but--”

“The fanbase hates him,” Yang said. “Pretty clearly. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s just a common opinion.”

[And he even helped out Willow! If he was allowed to do more, he would absolutely be My Real Dad of the year.]

Penny tilted her head at the scroll. “Huh. Does this mean that Klein is--?”

“No no no. It’s...” Blake shook her head. “The idea is that a ‘real’ dad is the one that... is actually a good dad. Even if he’s not your biological father.”

“Ah.” Penny glanced at Weiss. “Is... this accurate?”

Weiss was silent, not quite looking at anybody.

“...maaaaybe we should move on a bit,” Ruby suggested. “To the next... psuedoparent.”

“Oh.” Penny looked at Weiss a moment longer. “...Okay.”

[Qrow Branwen: “The only one that gets to be sad in this house is me!”]

Ruby clapped her hands. “Oh! Uncle Qrow!”

“...Sad in this house?” Blake asked, deadpan.

Yang cringed. “Yeah, Uncle Qrow has... issues.”

[Qrow has a lot of flaws. Like, so so many flaws. As Yang said in a noncanon spinoff, he’s cool but not exactly a role model.]

Ruby frowned. “I’m telling him you said that.”

“In a noncanon spinoff!” Yang protested. “Not me me, but some... joke version... of me!”

“...Yeah, this is weird,” Weiss muttered.

[Thing is, you don’t have to be a role model to be a good parent–you just have to make sure your kids (or nieces in this case) get good advice and the opportunity to grow into the best versions of themselves they can be.]

“...I... suppose that’s true?” Blake shook her head. “I mean... there’s a lot more to actual parenting, but that is the core of it...”

[And when Qrow’s not beating himself up or drowning his sorrows, he’s actually very good at helping Yang and Ruby. Honestly the only reason he’s not on the actual list is because he’s technically not a parent.]

“...Not inaccurate,” Yang admitted. “And... well, if he and dad were in an a relationship--”

“NOPE.” Ruby held up her hands. “Nope nope nope nope nope. We are not having this conversation. Moving on.”

“Ruby--”

“MOVING. ON.”

Penny smiled, looking back at the scroll.

[Uncle Copper: Adopting a blind kid automatically makes you cool]

“Huh.” Ruby looked at the picture. “This image is a lot more... abstract.”

“Who is Uncle Copper supposed to be?” Penny asked.

“If I had to wager a guess, I’d say Fox Alister’s... guardian?” Weiss shrugged. “Fox is blind, and he’s from Vacuo, so...”

“That would explaining the casual faunus/human interaction,” Blake agreed. “Vacuo is quite egalitarian.”

[So here we have a character that appeared in a single flashback in the novels, but from what we do know he was pretty likely to be a good guy. Like, raising a blind kid is hard enough; raising a blind kid in a desert after their actual parents got nommed by sand is so, so much more difficult.]

“Nommed?” Penny tilted her head. “What does that mean?”

“It... sounds like an onomatopoeia.” Weiss shook her head. “I suppose that Fox’s parents were... killed by sand. Somehow.”

“That... would make sense.”

[And yet, this guy said ‘If nobody else is going to adopt this kid I will!’ and by all measures he was a very caring and loving guy.]

“Awww!” Ruby said gleefully.

[Also, shout-out to the tribe, who took Fox in after Copper got killed by some maniac (and also killed said maniac).]

“Awww...” Ruby mumbled sadly.

[Fox has had a rough life, but it’s been filled with supportive people. Not everyone can say that.]

Weiss rubbed her arm awkwardly. “No, that... that’s a good thing. Yeah.”

Ruby gently put a hand on her shoulder.

[Starr Sanzang: She put up with Sun]

“Well, that’s high praise,” Yang quipped. “Also, new name! Maybe she’ll be important.”

[Sure, she’s only had one scene in one novel--]

“Ooooor maybe not.”

[--but Starr showed patience and caring and… probably did a lot to make sure Sun stays as aggressively cheery and patient as he is.]

“Aggressively cheery.” Blake nodded. “That’s a good assessment.”

[Plus she’s got a dojo in Vacuo now… okay, I’ll be honest, I don’t know nearly enough about her to really assess her.]

“Oh come on!” Weiss cried. “We’re supposed to be learning things from this! You’re the fanbase, you’re supposed to--”

“Weiss...”

She sighed. “I guess... I’m just a little frustrated at having been so blatantly targeted by this list, only to get basically nothing useful thus far.”

“Well, we are still only in the honorable mentions.” Penny smiled encouragingly. “Perhaps we’ll learn more going forward!”

“...You’re right. You’re right.”

[Still, as far as cousins go, Sun Wukong could do a lot worse. And there are the implications of their motifs to factor in…]

“Motifs?” Blake frowned. “Like... references to other works?”

Ruby looked at the scroll. “Why would Sun and his cousin have motifs?”

“It’s a fairly easy way to make background characters--use literary references to other works.” Blake rubbed her chin thoughtfully. “Myths, legends, music... it could be anything that’s popular culture in that world.”

“...I guess that makes sense.” Ruby shrugged. “Wonder if there’s some common theme that we’ve got ourselves.”

“Color themed names?” Weiss suggested. “If they didn’t have a great war, then... well, you know.”

“Yeah, good point.”

[Rhodes: If you’d done even just a  little  bit more–!]

“Huh.” Weiss nodded at the picture. “...Atlesian?”

[So, reasonably, what would you do when you see a little girl enslaved with a shock collar?]

“WHAT?!” “Excuse me?” “You can’t--” “WHO THE HELL--?!”

“I’m just reading this out loud,” Penny said meekly.

“Penny, we’re not angry at you, we’re angry at... at whoever would put a girl in a shock collar!” Ruby gestured at the scroll. “My god, if I ever met anybody who did that I--well they wouldn’t be putting anybody else in shock collars anymore, and that’s just to start!”

Penny tightened her shoulders. “There are... suggestions, here...”

Weiss clenched her hands. “By all means, let’s hear them.”

[Would you (A) get the girl out of there, (B) arrest the woman doing it, (C) try to get the girl therapy, or (D) all of the above?]

“D preferably,” Blake said immediately. “A, C, and B in that order if I can’t do D.”

“Nobody should have to suffer through that, especially at that age.” Yang shook her head. “I’m pretty sure I’d add ‘break their legs’ to arresting the woman.”

[If you picked (E) secretly train the girl in swordplay so she can join a huntsman academy when she comes of age, then congratulations! You’ve given her hope! Good for you!]

Weiss blinked. “Well... that’s actually what my sister did for me. Granted, I didn’t have an electric collar, or any physical torture. Still...”

She trailed off, unsure.

“...I... can’t say if your sister should have done more,” Blake admitted. “I have my own prejudices regarding Jaucqes Schnee--”

“Gelé,” Yang corrected with only a little humor. “He doesn’t get to be called Schnee, remember?”

Blake smiled a little. “But... whoever this girl is, it’s clearly a much more extreme situation. Just training her wasn’t enough.” She rolled her eyes. “Hence, ‘if you’d done even just a little bit more’ in Rhodes’ introduction.”

“That’s fair,” Weiss admitted. “Honestly... what, did Rhodes not have the resources to save her?”

[And what if she snaps after five years of  literal torture,  kills her abuser, and then turns to you for comfort and/or approval?]

“Five--?!” Weiss gaped at the scroll. “What kind of heartless monster would leave a child enslaved for five years?!”

Ruby nodded in agreement. “Yeah, Rhodes, what the hell?!”

“Yeah, whoever this woman was deserved to die, and I’m pretty sure this Rhodes guy did too,” Yang said firmly.

Blake cringed. “Well... Escalation is a dangerous thing. If you can bring down an abusive system, you should, but... if it’s a powerful system, there’s going to be a risk. There’s a reason the White Fang hasn’t outright declared war on Atlas.”

Weiss nodded reluctantly. “As justified as the abuser’s death is, murder is... not exactly easily hidden.” She flinched at Ruby’s betrayed look. “Look, the best option was getting the girl out in the first place and getting the woman behind bars!”

“It’s a complicated situation.” Blake sighed. “Still... if that’s when I could help, and I knew why she did it... I’d make sure she never needed to do it again.”

Penny glanced at the scroll. “Um. Rhodes... apparently disagreed.”

“Of friggin’ course he did,” Yang muttered. “What the hell did he do?”

[Welp, obviously she’s an irredeemable criminal and you have to bring her in, crushing all the faith she had in you and herself.]

“...False heroes,” Blake decided. “Want all the fame and glamour of being good, but aren’t willing to actually confront the bad.”

“People like that give huntresses a bad name,” Ruby agreed.

“I’m kind of curious who it is this Rhodes betrayed so thoroughly,” Weiss mused.

Penny glanced at the scroll... and her eyes widened. “Oh.”

“...Oh?” Blake straightened. “Penny, what is it?”

[Seriously Rhodes, dropped the ball hard on that one. I’m only mentioning you because you had such a serious impact on Cinder’s development.]

The room was silent for a moment.

“...That... actually explains a lot,” Yang said finally.

“I kind of want to hug her now.” Ruby shook her head. “Wait, not kind of. I want to hug her. Maybe if she gets some actual care, Cinder... won’t do evil things?”

“We still don’t know what it is she’s trying to do,” Weiss said. “Or if she’s too... broken to heal--”

“It’s still worth trying! We won’t know if she’s too far gone unless we try, and--and if nobody’s ever really reached out to her, then... I don’t know, all I’m saying is she deserves a chance to be more than just a victim of fate!”

“And how do we tell her about this?” Blake asked. “Just mention offhand that aliens from another world--?”

“I don’t know! I... I don’t know.” Ruby sighed. “All I know is that we should do something. Maybe we can figure it out after... after we get through this list of stuff.”

“...We should,” Penny agreed.

“Yeah.” Weiss nodded. “I know... I know I wouldn’t have lasted as long as I did without my sister. Cinder’ll be tricky to handle, but... if we can help her... it’s the right thing to do.”

Yang smiled. “Definitely.”

“Maybe we’ll find something else out once we’re done with this,” Blake offered. “Some way to... get in with her gently.”

“That’s... yeah.” Ruby cleared her throat. “Yeah, that’s a good point.”

“...There any more honorable mentions?” Yang asked.

Penny looked down at the scroll--and blinked. “Oh. Just... one, actually.”

“Well?” Ruby looked over her shoulder. “What is--ARE THOSE DRAGONS?!”

[Brother Gods: Creating and destroying entire species]

The silence in the room was much, much more shocked.

“...Oh,” Yang said finally.

“...gods,” Weiss agreed, faintly.

“Maybe... maybe it’s a metaphor,” Blake offered, weakly. “Just a myth. Or something.”

Penny held the scroll carefully in her hand as she continued to read.

[Like, okay. Look. These are the two that made humanity, so an argument could be made that they’re humanity’s parents. But, by the strict and arbitrary rules I have selected, they aren’t parents. And even if they were, they would be just the worst sort of parents possible.]

“That... does match the stories I’ve heard,” Weiss admitted, still stunned. “Gods that were more uncaring than--”

“I don’t know.” Blake shook her head. “I--they’re strange, sure, but the gods in the stories I’ve read have always had good intent.”

“Faunus gods are kinder than human gods.” Ruby shrugged. “I... read a lot of stories as a kid, and... it was something I noticed. Still prone to ‘mere mortal’ style mindsets, but they talked with mortals, instead of at them.”

[Darkbro is bad enough, what with viewing only strength as valuable and creating the Grimm and, you know, annihilating humanity that one time, but he’s at least honest and honorable.]

“Wait wait wait.” Yang held up her hand. “The creator of the Grimm is honorable? What?”

“I’m more concerned about the whole ‘annihilating humanity’ thing,” Weiss said.

“Yeah that’s a big thing, but--Grimm! Honorable! What?!”

“Think about it. The Grimm don’t care if you’re human or faunus,” Ruby pointed out. “They try to destroy you no matter what you are.” She shook her head. “It’s a very brutal sort of honor, but it’s...”

“Egalitarian?” Penny offered.

“Yeah.”

[Not like the cryptic Lightbro, who doesn’t bother making sure people understand him, who doesn’t even keep his own promises to his brother…]

“...Wow.” Ruby shook her head. “Yeah... that’s... not good. At all.”

“It is somewhat ironic that the Brother of Light is considered less honorable than the brother of Darkness,” Penny noted.

“And strange,” Weiss agreed. “In all the stories I know--which admittedly aren’t that much, because I don’t know a lot about gods--the Brother of Light was always the reasonable one.”

“That could be a later interpretation,” Blake pointed out. “If... we assume the brothers appeared in the ancient past, modern authors would be likely to reinterpret the legends in accordance with their own beliefs.”

Ruby nodded. “There are a lot of stories that got ‘cleaned up’ to the point where they’re almost unrecognizable. If the Brother of Light was originally... a jerk, we might not know about it now.”

“I can’t believe we’re talking about gods like they’re real,” Yang muttered. “Are they real? Is this just a metaphor in the show? Is civilization going to get wiped out?”

[I get that they’re basically overpowered children. Yeah, they are. Still… kinda terrible.]

“Overpowered children.” Ruby nodded. “Seems about right.”

“Is it possible to have a crisis of faith if you spent your life not believing in gods?” Weiss asked nobody in particular.

“Absolutely,” Blake assured her.

“...great.”

Penny adjusted her grip on the scroll.

[So, now that that’s all done, let’s get to the actual list! After the break, so you don’t get stuck scrolling a lot. RWBY parents, from best to worst, are as follows:]

“After the break?”

Penny shrugged. “Maybe something in the original format.”

“...Yeah, makes sense.”

[23. Saphron and Terra Cotta-Arc: Two moms are better than none!]

“...Mixed feelings on that one,” Yang mused.

[If I’m rating all the parents, and I am, then I have to acknowledge their flaws. And… these two don’t have any!]

“Oh, that’s great!” Ruby said happily. “Good parents to start with!”

“The paragraph goes on,” Penny reported.

“Oh, right.”

[Okay, fine, they used Adrian in a criminal scheme that one time (and that was literally just asking him to cry on command) and maybe Terra’s overworked and, to be fair, parenting a young kid is a lot different than parenting a teenager.]

“...They asked their kid to cry on command?” Yang shook her head. “That’s... how?!”

“He could be a pretty smart kid,” Blake noted. “Maybe he’s... four? Kids look like that when they’re four, right?”

Weiss shook her head. “Too small. Two years, tops.”

[But not only did they support their kid, they helped out all the kids that needed to room with them for a while! Saphron may also qualify as a momsister, depending on how well the Arcs managed their massive-numbered horde of kids. Look, the point is: Excellent parents. Bam.]

“Wait wait wait, Saphron's a momsister?” Ruby looked at the image. “Oh! Oh, Saphron Arc! She must be Jaune’s sister!”

“Which... would make Jaune an uncle,” Weiss said.

“Maybe.” Yang shrugged. “Depending on how long the series is supposed to last, it might... not have happened... yet? You get what I’m saying. Two year old... maybe. Probably younger. Might... might not exist yet.”

“...this is an awkward conversation,” Penny noted.

[22. Yatsuhashi’s Parents: Their slipups weren’t their fault]

“Oh, that’s another abstract image,” Penny noted. “With... Mistrali aesthetics, if I am correct.”

Ruby nodded. “Yatsuhashi is from Mistral, so that makes sense.”

[When your kid can wipe your memories and you don’t know about it, you’re bound to get a few mistakes down the line.]

“Oh boy,” Yang muttered. “Yeah, that’d make raising a child difficult.”

“I can imagine,” Blake agreed.

[Luckily for everyone, after the whole incident with Hiyoko Yatsu came clean, and his parents made absolutely sure that he understood (A) that having such an ability was a big responsibility and (B) that even though he really screwed up he was NOT evil.]

Ruby tilted her head. “Hiyoko?”

Penny shrugged. “There is no more context given. It appears to be assumed the reader will know who Hiyoko is.”

“Maybe a younger sibling,” Yang offered. “Or somebody important to Yatsuhashi.”

“...Is the fact that his parents had to reinforce that he was not evil really so important?” Penny asked.

“Yes, absolutely.” Yang shook her head. “I... know very well that a big mistake, a really big mistake, can... weigh on you. A lot. Especially as a kid.”

Ruby sighed. “Yang--”

“So being reminded that you can be a good person is important,” Yang continued. “Hell, just... that thing with Rhodes, where he apparently decided Cinder couldn’t be... that’s, she believes she has to be evil because of that? I could see that happening.”

“Not... evil,” Blake offered. “Pragmatic. Or callous. Or something. The point is, yeah, sometimes you need somebody to believe in you before you can believe in yourself.”

“Oh.” Penny considered that for a moment or two. “...I suppose that makes sense.”

[Given the man that Yatsuhashi is now, I’m pretty confident in calling them great parents–even if they only appeared in a book flashback.]

“I agree,” Weiss said. “He’s been very helpful despite my... rather poor first impression.” She cringed. “Which is something I quite regret.”

[21. Coco’s Dad: He exists!]

“...So he does,” Weiss allowed.

[That’s… honestly all I really know about him. He’s mentioned once in the books, and Coco has a few brothers.]

“I have noticed characters ‘from the books’ get abstract representations,” Penny noted. “And this is a map of the kingdom of Vale.”

“So... no picture, so the closest thing?”

“That would seem to be the case.”

[I’m kind of just assuming he’s a good parent from that, even if he didn’t figure out how to help Coco with her claustrophobia. So… yeah, shrug, Coco’s got a dad.]

“Huh.” Ruby frowned. “Didn’t know Coco was claustrophobic.”

“Everybody’s afraid of something, Ruby.”

“I know, Yang, but... Coco? Freaking out? Can you really picture that?”

Yang tilted her head for a moment. “...Yeah. Yeah, I see what you mean. I just can’t really see Coco being anything more than calm and collected.”

“I can,” Blake quipped. “I have, in fact.”

“Really.”

“You haven’t seen Velvet give her the stink-eye.”

“Huh.” Weiss quirked a brow. “Really?”

“She recovers quickly,” Blake allowed, “but... yeah, one look from Velvet and she’s stumbling over herself.”

“...Huh.”

“Team CFVY appears to have an interesting social dynamic,” Penny noted. “Considering all the personalities on it.”

“That they do, Penny.” Ruby nodded. “That they do.”

“Neopolitan,” Cinder growled, “if you do not turn that scroll off right now I will leave Roman to rot in that Atlesian cell for the rest of his life.”

Neo twirled her parasol, thoughtfully.

“We’re getting great intel on our enemies,” Mercury pointed out. “Even if it’s a little embarrassing for us--”

Cinder’s eye literally blazed as she glared at him.

Emerald, quiet in her own corner, was staring at her master with new eyes. She didn’t say anything yet, but from the way she was clutching at her legs anyone looking at her would know, for a fact, that there was likely to be a hug incoming.

Neo, finally, raised the scroll... and in one quick motion increased the volume to its max before jamming it down her chest, smirking.

“NEOPOLITAN!” Cinder roared, blasting shards of glass at her--and screaming when the girl simply shattered into nothingness.

“Yeah,” Mercury told Emerald, “this is going to go on for a bit.”

Chapter Text

It was the morning after the School Dance, and Team RWBY found themselves with a bit of spare time on their hands. Later that day they would be venturing with a Huntsman on a mission, but for now a newly awakened Team RWBY and Penny, freshly returned from Breakfast, found themselves with little to do.

There weren't any classes being held today in light of the day's later events, and some teams from upper classes were already making their way to the auditorium to go on various missions along a real huntsman or huntress.

With this in mind, Team RWBY and Penny found themselves debating whether or not to continue glancing through the strange scroll that potentially held potential details of their future. Of course, the issue was not everyone on the team was so interested…

"Seriously Weiss. It's way too early to have to try and I'm still too tired from last night to want to worry about trying to decipher the meaning of more of those memes at the moment." Yang groaned as she flopped into the bed.

"Well, what else are we supposed to do for the next four to five hours?" Weiss asked exacerbated.

Yang shrugged, "I don't know. I'm not saying we can't do it later before we leave, but surely we could relax for a bit first?"

Before Weiss could reply, Blake hummed in thought, "I suppose we could have Penny see if she can hack the scroll to see if there's something else that she can find?" She turned to Ruby, who seemed enthused about the idea, and Penny, who looked thoughtful.

"That's not a bad idea! There are still a lot of files we haven't been able to access. What do you think Penny?"

"I suppose it would be feasible. I shall give it my best try!" Penny exclaimed, grabbing the scroll. The moment she touched it, her eyes began to glow a strange green, moving left and right at an incredibly fast rate. Team RWBY leaned forward in interest, wondering if their robotic friend would succeed.

Their wait would not be long, as Penny's eyes stopped glowing and moving, and she gleefully announced, "Partial Success! While I've not been able to further access the main meme files, I was able to unlock a number of files from the Fanart and Fanfiction Miscellaneous section!"

All four members of Team RWBY blinked.

Only Yang dared to ask, "Fanart and Fanfiction Miscellaneous section?"

"Correct."

Weiss groaned before muttering to herself, sounding quite annoyed, "Of course there's fanart and fanfiction about us. Why am I not surprised…"

Blake gave her a look, not liking Weiss's tone, "What's wrong with fanart and fanfiction? I'll have you know Weiss that there are plenty of good, if not great fanfics out there that-"

Ruby waved her hands between them, sensing another argument potentially looming that she wanted to put a stop to now before it could begin, "No fighting please. It's too early and we don't have the time." Ignoring Blake and Weiss's glares, Ruby turned to Penny, "That's great work Penny! Now why don't we all," she gave Weiss, Yang, and Blake a look, "gather around and take a look."

Weiss sighed, "I suppose. I still would rather stick to the memes, but perhaps for now we can distract ourselves with this. That said, I believe we should probably stick to fanart though. Not only do we not have the time to read through fanfiction," she pointily ignored Blake's glare at how she referred to fanfiction, "but at least the images themselves might reveal some useful information." The way she said that last part let the rest of Team RWBY and Penny know how little she doubted said information proving useful.

Yang gave a shrug of her own as she sat up, "Well, it beats scrolling through more memes. I'm in. Blake?"

The Cat Faunus hummed, "I guess I'm in too. Although considering what we know about our fans, I should point out we're probably going to end up regretting this."

"That was never in doubt." The Schnee Heiress said, as Penny brought up the first image, and projected it as a hologram above the scroll.

Ruby Rose, by Zarory

"Wha?!" Ruby yelped, her skin flushing a bright red.

Yang snickered, "Well, we're certainly off to a great start I see."

Weiss hummed as she looked at the image, "Well, I guess we now know what Ruby's Tavern Wench outfit looks like. I must admit, it's nowhere near as revealing as I was imagining."

Ruby gawked at her teammate, "You were imagining what me in a Tavern Wench outfit would look like?"

Weiss blushed, stammering, "T-That's-That's not important!"

Yang tilted her head, "Seriously though Rubes? That's not something I ever pictured you wearing."

Ruby spluttered, "Yaaang! How should I know?! I've never worn that in my whole life!"

The busty blonde huntress grinned, "Well clearly sis you are eventually planning to. I just gotta wonder what your thought process was, is all I'm saying."

Ruby slapped a hand to her face, groaning.

Blake meanwhile was looking at the image thoughtfully, "You know, all things aside, the artist is actually quite good."

RWBY's Team leader flushed red again, while Yang and Weiss hummed in agreement. Penny meanwhile simply tilted her head, "I admit, I do not get the chance to view Art all that often, but I suppose I do find the image quite pleasant to look at."

Ruby blushed and yelped out a quick, "Next picture please! For the Brother's sake, next picture!"

Ruby's BFF, by Tamawan

Weiss paled at the image as Ruby immediately brightened up, turning to Weiss with a grin and excited glint in her eye.

Weiss shook her vehemently, "No Ruby! Absolutely not!"

"Yes Weiss! Absolutely yes!"

"Over my dead body! You are NOT making me wear that!"

Ruby whined, "Weeeiiiissss!"

Weiss shook her head frantically, "No! I refuse! I will not be party this...this madness!"

Ruby rubbed her hands excitedly, grinning, "You can't escape it Weiss! It is your destiny my little snowflake!"

"Do Not Call Me That!!!" Weiss gave a shrill scream.

Yang and Blake snickered at Ruby and Weiss's argument, while Penny gave them both a confused frown, "May I enquire, what does BFF mean?"

Blake turned to Penny, "It stands for Best Friends Forever. It usually refers to who your closest friend is."

"Is a person only limited to one BFF?"

Yang shook her head, "Nah. You can have more than one BFF."

Penny titled her head, "I see. Thank you for explaining." She hummed to herself, quite pleased, muttering to herself the word BFF, before changing the image.

Bare Shoulders, by Dishwasher1910

Blake blinked, "So the prophetic dishwasher is an artist?"

Penny frowned, confused, "Prophetic Dishwasher?"

"Oh right, you weren't here yet for that." Blake rubbed her chin, "One of the early general memes from when we started was that there was a dishwasher that could see the future. We were quite unsure of what it meant."

Weiss tilted her head, "I suppose it must mean that much of his art has the tendency to accurately predict or be similar to future events."

Penny nodded in thought, "I see. Perhaps we shall see more of this art in the future."

Yang meanwhile was cooing as she wrapped an arm around Ruby, "Awww… My baby sister really did have a growth spurt!"

Ruby whined, "Yaaaaang! Stop it!"

Yang whipped a fake tear from her eye, "Your actually almost as big as me! I'm so proud."

Ruby managed to escape from Yang's grasp, shaking her head in exacerbation, "Why is it so important that I grow big boobs?"

"Because it means my baby sister is growing up and becoming a young woman!"

"And I wasn't before?!"

As Yang and Ruby went back and forth, Penny turned to Blake and Weiss, confusion marring her face, "I must agree with Ruby. I do not understand Yang's reaction to Ruby's larger breast size."

Blake shrugged, "Who knows with Yang. Personally, I think she's just happy to have something else in common with her sister, at least physically."

"Big breasts?"

Blake nodded.

"Yang please just stop!" a bright red Ruby shouted at her older sister.

A grinning Yang dramatically sighed, "Oh alright. If you insist sis."

Ruby breathed a relaxing sigh, before muttering to herself, "Stupid puberty. Stupid entire team genes. Stupid annoying big sisters."

Praise the Bellabooty, by Mikururun

Yang burst out into laughter, as it became Blake's turn on the team to turn a deep bright red.

Blake, tucking in her legs and trying desperately to hide any view of her butt from Yang and her teammates, turned to Penny, her eyes begging for an escape, "Next image!"

Yang shook her head vehemently at Penny, "Belay that order." Turning to Blake with wagging eyebrows and a toothy grin, "Oh Blake! Why are you so mad? Not only is your butt so awesome that it's been given a official name and become a meme, but people are even making fanart about it! How cool is that?"

Blake snapped, "Yes, and I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that it's you in the image doing the praising."

Yang winked, "What can I say. I've got to praise the Bellabooty!"

Weiss muttered quietly to herself, giving a quick glancing peak at Blake's behind, "Praise be."

Blake turned and glared at her, causing Weiss to flush red, as Yang snorted, and Ruby just shook her head. Penny tilted her head in confusion, "Bellabooty?"

As Yang once again roared in laughed and Blake blushed a deep red, Ruby sighed and looked up at the ceiling, "What did we get ourselves into." Turning to Penny, "Don't worry about it Penny. It's just a stupid meme and Yang's dumb humor. Please move to the next image Penny."

Penny still looked confused, before clicking on the next image, as Blake breathed a sigh of relief. Said sigh however proved to be short lived as she, along with her teammates, and Penny, froze in shock.

Recurring Nightmares, By Dishwasher1910

The light mood in the room which had existed throughout for the most part, minus some embarrassing moments, was suddenly and vehemently silenced, as the five girls starred in complete stunned horror at the image of the red eyed Penny.

"What is…Penny?" Ruby asked, her voice almost small.

The robotic girl in question was quiet for a moment, seemingly unable to answer herself. Finally she answered so quietly that the rest of the girls strained to hear her, as her unblinking robotic eyes never left the screen, "It would appear that the version of myself in the image has been hacked."

Ruby whispered, shaking her head and closing her eyes, "Oh Penny…" The red reaper couldn't bare to look at the screen for a moment longer and turned away. The reactions of the other girls weren't any better, as shock, horror, sympathy and even anger flittered across their faces.

Of them, Yang was the first to speak. Clenching her fists, she asked, "I mean, it's fanart right? It's not necessarily going to happen. Right?"

Weiss rubbed her temple, "I mean, yes I suppose but…well…"

Blake sighed, "Even ignoring the possibility that it might been a fan depiction of a actual scene from a future volume, as we've established, this Dishwasher1910 apparently has a tendency to actively predict future events."

The three were quiet, as Penny continued to stare at the image of herself and Ruby shook her head and clenched her eyes shut.

Yang blew a frustrated breath, "Well, the title says it's called Recurring Nightmares. Maybe this is just someone's nightmare of Penny?"

Blake closed her eyes, deep in thought, "Maybe…"

Weiss meanwhile put a hand on Penny's shoulder while reaching over and turning off the scroll, thereby removing the hologram of the image. Penny herself did not say anything, just reaching up to place her own hand over Weiss's hand that was on her shoulder, trying to find comfort.

Weiss looked at the clock before turning to the others, "I think we could use a break for now. Let's relax for now and in an hour, when we come back, perhaps we can try to read a few more of the memes before we have to leave to our mission."

Yang nodded, "Yeah…That…That sounds good. Blake?"

The cat faunus just nodded.

Yang turned to Ruby, "Rubes?"

The team leader just gave a quiet, "yes."

Weiss turned to Penny, "Will you be okay?"

"I am perfectly functional."

Weiss shook her head, "That's not what I asked."

Penny was silent, before she nodded, "Yes. I will be okay."

The Schnee Heiress smiled, "Good. That's good. I'm glad."

The five girls stayed in silence, before Penny turned to the others, "If you'll excuse me, I believe General Ironwood may need me. I-I promise I will watch over Team CMEN while you are on your mission."

As Penny rose to leave, Ruby dashed forward and gripped Penny in a huge, "I hope your going to be okay."

Penny leaned into the embrace and hugged Ruby back, whispering, "Thank you."

The two girls let go, before Penny turned and moved to leave. Before she left, she gave Ruby one last look, “I hope we will never be forced to fight each other against our will. It would be…most unpleasant and unwelcome, to be forced to fight a friend.”

With that, the robotic girl exited, as Ruby finally understood just what had been bothering Penny most about the image: the idea of being forced against her will to fight her friends.

"Oh Penny…"

Chapter Text

Sometime after the last chapter, at dusk…

Yang glanced to where Penny had set up her ‘rest-frame,’ as she had called it. She glanced to where The Scroll was sitting, on a nightstand. She glanced back to the rest-frame.

“Say... “

Light filtered in through the window, birds chirping outside.

Yang woke up to a smiling Penny, who immediately, yet thankfully not loudly, greeted her.  “Good morning, Yang! It worked!”

Yang, barely conscious, slowly replied with an eloquent “...bwuh?”

“We wondered if I could run diagnostic scans on the scroll’s data banks if I plugged it into my rest-frame last night, and it worked!”

Yang blinked a final time or two, before grinning. “Well, what’s on it?”

“Just… music, then?” Blake squinted at the scroll. “I would have thought there would’ve been more.”

“Music with lyric videos. Very important distinction.” Ruby raised a finger in accordance with her very wise point.

Rolling her eyes, Weiss raised the scroll, and, glancing to check it was showing the correct page, interjected. “They’re arranged by volume, and we only have so much time before your father gets back with the groceries… may I make the executive decision to start with the first volume, and see how far we get from there?” Scanning the room, she saw only shrugs and smiles, then nodded herself, and started the first song, placing the scroll on the table.

It only took a few seconds for Ruby to dash over to peer at the song’s name. “Heywaitaminute! I know this one!”

Weiss paused it. “...you do?”

Penny tilted her head. “If I am not mistaken, that was the opening to ‘Legends,’ by a relatively small band in Vale known as Ace of Spades.” Ruby nodded rapidly.

Weiss looked closer. “It says here that the song’s name ‘This Will Be The Day,’ written by a Jeff Williams… featuring a Casey Lee Williams… in fact, all of Volume One’s music features them.”

“Father and daughter?” Yang offered.

“Perhaps

Ruby peered a little closer. “Wait, is that me? Cooool.” Ruby laughed as she picked up the scroll again. “I wonder if we all get some… ...hey, wait, can’t you... “ She fiddled with the scroll’s settings for a moment, before resting it against a glass, projecting the current image onto a wall. “That’s better.”

There was a pause.

Yang spoke first.

“So, do we move to Red Like Roses? That sounds like it might be a song about Ruby. I kinda wanna see what type of music she gets, and the other song already exists, right?” She looked at the projected menu again. “Oh, ‘Red Trailer.’ ...Red Trailer?”

Blake put a hand to her chin. “This is in the context of an animated show… and I can see ‘White’, ‘Black’, and ‘Yellow’ Trailer-marked songs just after it… the others have to play during the show, right?”

“Wouldn’t they be hard to hear though, if like, we’re talking?” Yang brushed a hand through her hair. “Buh. Still kinda weird to think we’re in a show to a whole bunch of people… and the whole Raven thing is throwing me off. Hm. I wonder if they play while we’re fighting?”

“Makes sense… anyone not want to move to Red Like Roses?”

The rest generally agreed to move ahead.

“Okay, Red Like Roses coming uuuuup, now!”

Red Like Roses (Red Trailer)

The opening bars played, the orchestral arrangement calmly backing the singer.

Nobody spoke, all silently thinking with raised eyebrows and neutral looks… Yang opened her mouth, but then the singing started, and everyone’s eyes snapped to read the lyrics as they played out verse by verse.

[Red like roses fills my dreams and brings me to the place you rest]

Ruby peered at the words for a moment, then seemed to realize something, and looked out towards a window. She returned her gaze to the lyric video in time for the next line.

[White is cold and always yearning, burdened by a royal test]

In at least a little bit of surprise, everyone glanced right to Weiss, who glanced between the lyrics and Ruby for a second.

[Black the beast descends from shadows]

Blake made a face, the others looking with sympathy.

[Yellow beauty burns…]

Yang tilted her head at the projected screen, raising her eyebrows...

[...gold.]

...only for them to flatten into a somewhat miffed look.

The song went into a much more energetic pace, staying orchestral, but still lacking lyrics. After about twenty or thirty more seconds, Yang spoke again.

“Is it just me, or was I expecting... more?”

“Hey!” Ruby’s outcry was quickly silenced by more words.

“No, no, like it was okay… but if that’s all the rest of the songs…”

Penny spoke up. “There is a song named Red Like Roses Part II later in this Volume’s song list.”

“Huh.”

Weiss glanced around. “Next song?”

Blake nodded. “Next song.”

Mirror Mirror (White Trailer)

The piano started, and Weiss’ shoulders slumped. “Oh, come on! I sang this! This is me! Singing!”

Hiding a smile behind a hand, Ruby waved towards the lyrics onscreen. “It’s only a trailer song?”

The offer was met with a flat look.

The song concluded rather shortly after, without further talking.

Yang looked over to a rather annoyed Weiss, who was eyeing the scroll as if it were playing a prank on her.. “That… was a good song, but uh… I’m sorry I find it kinda funny?”

“Wai-what does that mean?!”

“Nothing! Just uh, it doesn’t really feel like you? For something we can assume was your trailer?”

“If it was my trailer, perhaps it being in Volume One may mean it was an early depiction of me?”

“...Point.”

Weiss nodded. “Besides, it’s not like I’m particularly lonely anymore. I have you guys.”

She was promptly hugged by Ruby.

“I really hope there’s something we can learn from these…” Weiss tapped the start button for the next song.

From Shadows (Black Trailer)

Blake nodded. “Yeah, maybe--oh. Ah.” Images of her and Adam were onscreen.

Yang, from her position beside Blake, moved her hand onto Blake’s. “...eesh. Do you…”

“No. I’ll be fine…” The music swerved into a much more club-like beat, complete with synths and rapid drums. “...and hey, maybe this one might be a little more fun to listen to?” Her voice was strained but nobody called her on it.

Ruby almost started tapping her foot, before a robotic voice said a single line, kicking off a guitar part.

[Intruder / Identify yourself]

Blake stiffened, clenching Yang’s hand just a little bit. With closed eyes she spoke. “Ah. ...can I say I didn’t expect that in the song?”

Whatever Weiss was about to say was cut off, as a build-up finished and blew into lyrics.

[From shadows / We'll descend upon the world / Take back what you stole]

Yang held tighter when the singer shifted. Blake did too.

[From shadows / We'll reclaim our destiny / Set our future free]

“...at least it’s not His voice.”

[And we'll rise / And we'll rise]

[Born with no life / Into subjugation / Treated like a worthless animal

Stripped of all rights / Just a lesser being / Crushed by cruel, ruthless human rule]

Everyone cringed.

[When it started / All we wanted was a chance to live our lives / Now in darkness /Taking anything we want and we will rise / We'll rise, we'll rise]

The song segued into a guitar solo, and all exhaled, save Penny.

Blake shuddered once, then looked up, rolling her shoulders.

“Yeah… at least it’s a nice song? The piano… is a nice touch, I guess.”

Penny nodded, a touch solemn. “...it allows for a pleasing denouement.”

“Move on?”

There was a chorus of “Move on.”

“I Burn, Yellow Trailer.” Yang looked lower on the menu. “I see a different version lower down… wonder what the differences in the two are. Here goes.”

I Burn (Yellow Trailer)

Vaguely echoed club beats played, until they flipped into focus, becoming recognizable as a remix of Red Like Roses.

Suspicious, yet also tapping a foot to the music, Ruby slightly frowned. “Did they mislabel it? I mean Yang’s there, but...”

“It could be a medley or mashup, but I do agree that it appears mislabeled.” Penny tilted her head as the music slowed, before kicking into a remix of Mirror Mirror. “A-ha! It is a medley!” She smiled.

Blake shrugged, even as it started to segue into a From Shadows mix. “It’s definitely something danceable… even if the context makes it rather…  ...arduous.”

Yang crossed her arms, leaning back into the pillow on the end of the bed. “I’m just waiting for my part.”

And it came. Starting with operalike singing, and then into fast paced singing.

[Come at me / And you'll see / I'm more than meets the eye / You think that / You'll break me / You're gonna find in time]

“Heeey, I’m liking this!”

[You're standing too close to a flame that's burning / Hotter than the sun in the middle of July / Sending out your army, but you still can't win / Listen up, silly boy, 'cause I'm gonna tell you why]

[I burn! Can't hold me now / And you're not stopping me / I burn! / Swing all you want / Like a fever I will take you down]

Yang blinked. “Okay, I liked it until the last line. ‘Like a fever?’ What kind of simile is that?”

Penny raised a finger. “An interesting one.”

Chapter Text

"Good news, everyone!" Penny said brightly to the gathered members of Team RWBY. "I have successfully recovered another video file from the scroll!"

Understandably, after the last few videos, the girls were somewhat less than enthused.

"Well, we're definitely gonna have to watch it, but..." Ruby trailed off awkwardly. "...I really don't wanna see another shipping video so soon. They're uh..."

"A little much, I would say," Weiss said primly, hands folded in her lap. "Invasively voyeuristic, even."

"Yeah, we could use a breather from those," Yang agreed, plastering on a cheery grin. "Maybe something light and happy and emotionally uncomplicated, instead!"

"Not to worry, friends! The thumbnail of this video appears to be the back of Headmaster Ozpin, and the title is... 'Ozma, colon, I'm tired.'"

"...Just to be clear, you mean colon as in the punctuation, right?" Blake asked warily.

"That is correct, Blake!" Penny said with a nod. "It would be strange indeed for the name of the anatomical organ to be used in this context."

"Pfffft." Ruby couldn't contain her snickers. "Yeah, that- That would definitely be weird, Penny. Kehehehe..."

The little bit of unintentional humor eased the room's atmosphere greatly, and even Blake was sporting a tiny smirk at it. "You know, you don't need to pronounce punctuation like that, Penny."

"Duly noted."

"Hmm..." Weiss hummed thoughtfully. "'Ozma: I'm Tired.' Ozma. Can't recall hearing that name before."

"Related to Professor Ozpin, maybe? He is on the thumbnail," Ruby suggested.

"Could be. We know there's something weird about him. I think this might shed some light on that whole… reincarnation business that was mentioned," said Blake.

"Well, only way to find out is by watching. Are we all ready?" Ruby asked her friends.

A round of glances and nods ensued. "Hit it, sister," Yang called, and Penny hit play with a small, yet very bright grin.



It didn't take long at all before they realized what they were looking at.

And for the once bright, happy mood and grins to be replaced with mounting shock, muted horror, and expressions of dismay.

As they watched the events of the video unfold, none were of a mind to speak. And so, Penny didn't pause it. They watched the entire video in almost total silence. It finished, and the five girls still said nothing, each lost in thought.

"...Well... That was... That was a thing," Yang said at last, her voice coming out somehow smaller than normal.

"God, that... That was..." Blake tried and failed to find the words.

"Too much information instead of too little," Weiss murmured, her knuckles an even paler shade of white as her fist was clenched around the pen she used to take notes. She had failed to take any, this time around.

Insanity. All of mankind, being rendered extinct in a single instant? The thing that did it, responsible for shattering the moon? The headmaster being some kind of ancient...wizard? Blessed, or cursed, with the ability to reincarnate? His... His wife, having been turned into some kind of...human Grimm? It was sheer insanity.

Those poor kids...

"...'I've made more mistakes than any man, woman, and child on this planet,'" Ruby said, her voice hushed and her knees pulled up to her chest with her arms wrapped around them. "He said that to me, not long after I got here. At the time, I thought he was just exaggerating, but...now..."

"How old is he, really?" Blake asked, nervous tension writ in her body language. Their lives being a story was one thing. This... This was their history. Ancient history. And it was a lot bigger and more important than any of them could ever have anticipated.

"Penny," Weiss called. The robot girl's eyes hadn't left the screen since it had finished playing, but she turned at her name. "Restart the video, please. We'll take it piece by piece, this time."

Wordlessly, Penny obeyed.

Chapter Text

And here they found themselves again. Penny decoding another video file, now in the Rose-Xiao Long childhood bedroom, and everyone seeing the title.

"Again?" Weiss asked, exasperated.

The 2nd Edition of What Your Favorite RWBY Ship Says About You. The memories of the first one now flooding back.

"Are we really doing this?" Blake said, "The last one wasn't exactly fun."

"What else are we doing?" Yang questioned.

Weiss put a palm to her forehead. "We could get back to the main list? Maybe?"

"We've got enough on our plate as is, Weiss," Ruby countered. "At least these are... usually harmless."

"Keyword: usually." Blake pointed out.

"Am I playing it, or no?" Penny inquired.

A small period of silence reigned, before general noises of acquiescence came over the girls.

"Here we go..." Blake muttered.

The format of the video had not changed much. Light music, a presenter, images, and the ship names.

And again, blunt honesty.

BUMBLEBY (Blake/Yang) "You're either a Blake kinnie dating a Yang kinnie or a Yang kinnie dating a Blake kinnie."

"Well, that one... wasn't as bad," Weiss commented, recalling the original claim.

"A 'kinnie'?" Penny wondered.

"Just a character you identify with," Ruby explained.

Yang blushed slightly. "So... we're inspirational? Or admirable?"

Blake coughed. "Yeah... I guess so."

"Flirt on your own time," Weiss chided.

WHITE ROSE (Ruby/Weiss) "You really liked Little Witch Academia."

"Because even in these things we need references we don't get," Yang snarked.

Penny took a guess. "I assume the main couple just has a similar dynamic."

"I empathize with whoever my parallel is," Weiss added.

"C'mon," Ruby said, nudging Weiss with her elbow, "you know we're besties."

Weiss' expression did not change. "I feel their pain."

MONOCHROME (Blake/Weiss) "You think RWBY hasn't been good since Volume 3."

FREEZERBURN (Yang/Weiss) "You think RWBY peaked at Volume 5."

LADYBUG (Blake/Ruby) "You're just happy to be here."

POLLINATION (Ruby/Weiss/Blake/Yang) "You're just... really horny."

The last few raised a few eyebrows.

"Those are the same lines, right?" Yang asked.

"That they are," Penny confirmed. "The intervening time between these videos must not have changed the dynamics between these pairings significantly."

"Well, I'm not having it!" Ruby declared.

"What?" Blake asked, confused.

Ruby pointed her finger toward the cat faunus. "You and I are hanging out more often! We will find common ground!"

"Ruby, it's not a big deal..." Blake argued.

"No! You and I are starting a book club or something!"

Blake paused. "That... kind of sounds fun."

Weiss, however, focused on something different. "Oh, Gods..."

"What?" the blonde brawler asked, turning to face her.

The heiress shuddered a bit. "I remember which one is next."

ENABLER (Ruby/Yang) "You are a frequent poster on /r/RWBYNSFW."

The sisters immediately found themselves feeling unclean. Yang could barely form a sentence. "So not only... they're actually... ugh!"

Ruby had put her hood up and had retreated into some sort of mantra. "Gross, gross, gross, gross..."

"It's okay..." Penny assured, trying to comfort the two.

"Is it?" Ruby asked back.

Penny kept smiling but offered no actual response.

"Just keep moving," Blake said, "it can only get less weird from here."

FAIR GAME (Qrow/Clover) "You spend your afternoons posted up outside the RoosterTeeth office panhandling for MLM content."

And this claim broke the sisters from their stupor.

"Huh..." Yang remarked.

"Clover's that Special Ops guy, right?" Ruby asked of her gynoid friend.

Penny nodded. "Ace Ops, yes. I believe he is openly homosexual."

"Qrow, though..." Yang continued to mutter to herself.

"Never seemed gay?" Blake inquired.

"He's like, your stereotypical uncle with a raunchy sense of humor," the brawler explained. "I mean, I guess he could be bi, but... I dunno."

"Just not something that ever occurred to us," Ruby added. "Not that I really want to think about what Uncle Qrow gets up to."

"Spare us all, please," Weiss requested.

LANCASTER (Jaune/Ruby) "You are heterosexual."

WHITE KNIGHT (Weiss/Jaune) "You are extremely heterosexual."

"Pass," Yang joked.

"There are... worse male options," Weiss eventually offered.

"That's the nicest thing you've ever said about him," Ruby noted.

ARKOS (Jaune/Pyrrha) "Your ideal relationship dynamic is that meme where the girl's like, 'Come get this pussy, daddy!' and the guy's like, 'I'm at Denny's.'"

Yang promptly doubled over in laughter.

Blake wasn't far off. "I buy it. I absolutely buy it."

"Now the image of Jaune having sex is in my head," Weiss grumbled. "I did not need that."

Penny was confused. "But you just said-"

"I know what I said!"

"I didn't need it either," the crimson-clad girl agreed, "but I still believe it."

RENORA (Ren/Nora) "You think the first rule of shipping discourse is to have fun and be yourself."

Blake sighed. "If only it were so easy."

Yang pounced. "Sensing a story there."

"Spider faunus named Trifa," Blake explained. "Very interesting views on Violet's Garden."

"Okay, we really need to start that book club," Ruby reaffirmed.

BEES SCHNEES (Blake/Yang/Weiss) "You're either actively recruiting for your polycule or you just want to see Weiss get Eiffel-Towered."

And suddenly the awkwardness returned.

Ruby simply looked at the rest of her team in horror.

The other three seemed engaged in some sort of bizarre staring contest where anyone was free to glare at anyone.

Penny broke the silence, "If there were to be a polyamorous relationship, I would hope there would be more communication."

"That..." Yang started. "That's not... likely."

"Little much right now..." Blake agreed.

"Can we please move on?" Weiss requested. "I don't even know what Eiffel-Towered means..."

"I've heard "CCT'd"." Blake commented. "Maybe it's similar?"

"What's that?" the heiress asked.

Blake leaned over to whisper in Weiss's ear. She seemed about halfway through the explanation before Weiss pulled away.

"Never mind! Forget I asked!"

Yang leaned over toward her partner, and under her breath requested, "Tell me later."

A short reassurance was the last bit of discussion before the group moved on.

BLACK SUN (Blake/Sun) "You are easily influenced by the power of man abs."

"Which I am not," Blake stated rather plainly.

"They're objectively nice," Yang admitted.

"It is clear he is putting in work," Penny agreed.

"Are we really doing this right now?" Weiss asked.

"Nails, clothes, boys," Ruby muttered. "All boxes checked."

SEA MONKEYS (Neptune/Sun) "You are a firm believer in the inherent eroticism of bromances."

SNOWBIRD (Winter/Qrow) "You are a firm believer in the inherent eroticism of bitter rivalries."

BAKED ALASKA (Yang/Neo) "You are a firm believer in the inherent eroticism of height differences."

"And back to the same-old, same-old," Yang added.

"With all due respect, I don't like the idea of your Uncle and my sister," Weiss commented.

Ruby replied, "Honestly, I don't think you have to worry about it."

CROSSHARES (Coco/Velvet) "You're at least a little into the 'Hey Mamas' lesbians whether or not you want to admit it."

"Is anyone else surprised they're not dating?" Weiss asked.

"Velvet told me she wants to focus on education before romance," Ruby explained.

Weiss smiled. "Ah. Good on her."

"Hey Mamas?" Penny wondered.

"Another 'ignore and move on'," Yang declared.

CATMELEON (Blake/Ilia) "You had a best friend in high school who you were super close with and you, like, felt like you could tell each other everything and you could never really explain why, but you always just got really excited when you were around her, until one day when you had this really dramatic 'friend break-up' that you never fully got over and sent you into a significant period of depression that you weren't able to completely process until coming out as a lesbian."

With each passing word of this explanation, Blake began to lower her head further down in shame. Eventually she dropped to the floor entirely and began to huddle into a fetal position.

"Are you okay, Blake?" Ruby asked.

Blake merely groaned in response.

"Take as much time as you need," Yang offered.

Blake, without moving from her position, grumbled, "Talking to her again is going to be the most awkward conversation of my life."

"More than seeing your parents again?" Penny replied.

Blake groaned again.

Penny began to rub her own arm in dismay. "That didn't help, did it?"

"You're trying, though. We appreciate it," Weiss reassured.

GREEK FIRE (Pyrrha/Yang) "You want a woman who could crush your head like a watermelon between her thighs. Your ideal woman would literally just kill you."

Weiss quirked an eyebrow. "What? Why?"

Penny couldn't help but agree. "I do not see the appeal."

As Ruby helped Blake back to her feet, she simply offered, "Internet people are weird."

Yang, however, had a different approach. "Could I, though?"

Ruby gripped her brow in frustration. "Yang, please..."

The brawler would not be stopped. "Can't ignore my leg muscles. Maybe I should look into that."

The heiress shook her head. "Yang, no one wants to watch you crush a watermelon between your thighs."

"Yeah," Blake said, beginning to trail off, "that... that'd just be silly."

The catgirl's eyes began to dart around awkwardly.

Weiss sighed. "And I'm the useless lesbian. Sure."

FALLING PETALS (Cinder/Ruby) "I can't say for sure if you're into age-gap relationships, but you're definitely into BDSM."

Ruby blanched at this one, hard. "No! No with the evil, crazy lady, no!"

While all of the girls were greatly unsettled at this claim, they were at the very least willing to discuss it.

Blake began. "Having met her now, I believe that about her."

"This is an incredibly inappropriate thing to discuss, but... just for the sake of argument," Weiss pointed out, "we don't know which of the two is which."

"Weiss, no!" Ruby begged.

"No judgement, sis," Yang offered, "As long as it's safe, sane, and consensual..."

"I worry Cinder would not be concerned with those first two things," Penny commented.

"Can we move on?!" Ruby exclaimed. "Please?!"

"It's the price of liking corsets, Ruby," her sister joked. "Assumptions get made."

The reaper could only groan.

SNOWFALL (Cinder/Winter) "I can't say for sure if you're into BDSM, but you're definitely into women who could step on you."

Now it was Weiss's turn to blush. "That... ugh, no!"

"Weiss, I say this with love," Yang interjected, "your sister's kind of hot, and gives off that vibe."

"I don't..." The heiress was at a loss for words. "Why are you so calm about this?"

"Because nothing's gonna be worse than Enabler, and I'm trying to enjoy myself otherwise."

Ruby began to perk up a bit after that. "Yeah. She's not wrong."

"Let's just not discuss the sex lives of one another's siblings," Blake suggested.

"There are still a few ships left," Penny observed. "Statistically, we may have to."

SCHNEEWOOD FOREST (Winter/Robyn) "I can't say for sure if you're into women who could step on you, but you're definitely into eating the rich." *rimshot*

Yang burst out laughing. Ruby and Blake had a few giggles as well.

Weiss however, somehow found herself even more mortified.

Penny simply blinked twice before asking, "Another bit of innuendo?"

"A very funny one," Yang said, smiling wide.

Blake attempted to ask Weiss for a bit of relevant information. "So, is Winter...?"

"I don't know, and don't particularly care to know," Weiss replied.

"Ms. Hill has never explicitly 'come out', but there has been a fair share of speculation," Penny added.

ROSE GARDEN (Ruby/Oscar) "You have subjected Oscar to at least mild uwu-fication."

"So, the little kid," Yang said with a smirk. "Clearly some puppy love there."

"Yang!" Ruby said, cheeks flushed. "It's weird."

"I see these things and am glad Winter doesn't get involved in my love life," Weiss remarked.

"Meanwhile Penny and I thrive as only children," Blake countered.

"Siblings..." Penny muttered. "Probably too much..."

SCHNEEKOS (Weiss/Pyrrha) "You have a 27-page research document saved to your Google Drive in case you ever need to explain to someone why Taylor Swift is a lesbian."

As Weiss blushed, the rest of her team simply shared in knowing smiles. One couldn't help but wonder if her bitterness toward Jaune was tinted by jealousy.

Penny, however, had different concerns. "I do not know who Taylor Swift is. But I feel like she's had relationship troubles."

"Hope things get better for her," Weiss offered.

TAURADONNA (Adam/Blake) "You kin Adam Taurus."

Blake simply closed her eyes and began to breathe deeply.

"Blake?" Yang asked, concern clear.

"Just... let it finish..." her partner replied.

A thought occured to Ruby. "Hey, we still haven't done..."

NUTS AND DOLTS (Ruby/Penny) "You... aren't even in this fandom anymore."

And the final one only served to puzzle.

"Why would they not...?" Penny wondered.

"Something happened. Something that made them lose faith it would ever be real," Blake surmised.

Ruby and Penny shared a quick look at one another before looking away in embarrassment.

"Please, they're shippers. They don't give up," Yang pointed out.

Weiss shook her head. "No matter how much we wish they would."

Chapter Text

"You know, why don't we revisit the Fanart folder?" Ruby asked on her bed. Everyone is in their pajamas, ready for their sleepover in her bedroom.

"Hmm… not a bad idea." Blake spoke up after some consideration. "We stopped last time because of…Penny's fanart, but we should look at it again. Maybe we can find some context for the memes this time."

"Good idea, Rubes!" Yang said while reaching for the scroll. "Maybe there's more grown-up art of you there!" Ruby blushed at the mention of her fanart from last time.

Soon, everyone huddled around Yang while she opened the folder. "Let's see here…"

[Team RWBY]

"Wow, that's a nice art of us." Blake commented.

"True, but it's not really informative." Ruby complained a little. "Not that I don't like the art, but I hope we can see something more important and informative."

"Hey, at least we look awesome, right?" Yang said to cheer up Ruby. "Say, can we print this out as a poster and put it on our room? I really like this fanart."

"It is possible, Yang. Would you like me to copy and send the file to your scroll?" Penny replied, but Weiss interjected Yang before she could answer. "We will have to explain why we have an illustrated poster of our own team to visitors, though. That seems kind of narcissistic."

Yang considered for a moment, then nodded in agreement. "Yeah, a photo of us will be less awkward when you say it like that.. Send me the file anyway, Penny. I want to make it my scroll wallpaper."

[Ren x Nora OTP]

"Awww!" Ruby cooed. "Does this mean they finally get "together together" in the future?"

"Probably." Weiss replied. "It's not that surprising, to be honest. Their clothes are different, and Ren has long hair in this art, so this is definitely in the future."

"Yeah." Yang nodded. "Now that I think about it, Ren with long hair is pretty hot." The other girls turned around to look at her. "Not that I'll aim for him, since Nora will break my legs if I try. I don't want to break them up, you know? Ren and Nora are just made for each other." Yang quickly clarified.

"NTR is trash anyway." Blake murmured silently so that nobody heard her.

"So Ren and Nora will be engaging in a romantic relationship in the future?" Penny chimed up. "Actually, how do you define a romantic relationship? I know people say it's "love", but isn't there love between parent and child too?" She asked.

Ruby shrugged, since she doesn't really know. Weiss seems to be deep in thought, while Yang looked at Blake, expecting her to explain.

"I don't think I'm the right person to explain this." Blake said when she realized Yang was staring at her. "Still, romantic love is…You know what? I'll pick some novels for you. Some classic romance novels, but keep an open mind about what a romantic relationship should be like. There is no "correct" romantic relationship, and I don't think any of us here is experienced enough to explain what love is to you."

"I look forward to it!" Penny replied in agreement. "Let's move on to the next fanart!"

[Parenting]
--IMAGE UNAVAILABLE--

"Ah…a classic meme." Blake said when she laid her eyes on the fanart. "Parents dangle the child by their legs. You wouldn't believe how cliché this trope is in fiction."

Ruby noticed Yang looked at the fanart with a complicated expression. "Are you okay, sis?"

"I…" Yang tilted her head. "I don't know. I...I don't remember her. Raven, I mean. I remember Summer raising me since I can remember, but I literally didn't know Raven existed until Summer told me about her, so…" Yang looked away from the fanart. "I have complicated feelings about this. Let's move on."

Penny nodded, and swiped the screen.

[Atlas Wear]

"So this is our appearance by Volume 7?" Weiss questioned. "Hmm… I think I have that dress and coat somewhere in my closet. It is a shame this fanart isn't showing our full body."

"I do look sick with that jacket, though." Yang said smugly. "Nice aviator glasses, too. "

"You don't look sick in that fanart, though." Penny voiced up. "In fact, you look really healthy!"

"Oh, I mean I look really good." Yang explained. "It's like "looking cool", it's just an expression, yeah?"

"I see, thank you for explaining, Yang!" Penny replied cheerfully.

[Dumbbell]

The room burst out laughing, except for Weiss.

"Wha-" Weiss proclaimed. "This is ridiculous!"

"I-I know, but…" Yang tried to hold back her laugh, but was obviously failing. "You have a really huge side tail, though."

"It-it's just-" Ruby couldn't stop laughing. "It's just so funny!"

Blake covered her mouth, but was still letting out loud chuckles. Penny simply looked at the fanart with a huge smile on her face.

[Arkos Alternative Outfit]

"Huh, this doesn't look so bad!" Ruby complimented.

"It's kind of weird to see Jaune and Pyrrha without armor, especially their chest piece." Weiss commented.

"Jaune looked like a farmer. Or is it a sheriff? That brown vest looks really good on him." Yang said.

"I wonder if we have fanart of ourselves in different clothes. I wouldn't say no to suggestions on our wardrobes, unless it is something perverted." Weiss said.

"Good idea, Weiss!" Penny replied. "I hope to have more sets of clothes as well! I don't really understand fashion, and my father said that I can learn more from my fellow friends! Let's move on to the next fanart!"

[Smug Neo]

Chapter Text

Team RWBY were engaging in idle chit chat as Penny transcribed various files and logs within the chaotic little Scroll. So far its contents had covered a wide variety of topics, including memes, fanart, shiptables, music videos, and other seemingly random pieces of media that had involved the show in one way or another.

But as the synthetic transcribed the latest file, she externally looked absolutely flummoxed at the title. Ruby was the first to notice, taking in the slight squint of her eyes, open mouth and tilt of her head, doing an impressive impression of a bird bath, "Uh… Penny? Get something new?"

The rest of the girls turned to look at Penny at their leaders words, the synthetic shaking her head slightly and saying, "I have unlocked a new… file. It's just called… Clown."

Team RWBY… paused to process that.

"What? And what do you mean file? What type is it?" Weiss was the one to ask the android.

"It doesn't… It's… like an executable I think, but it just says Clown."

The girls all pause to let it sink in. Just the one, ominous word.

"... I hope to everything that is good and right, and just with the world that this is not a sex thing." Ruby declared, shivering slightly.

"I-It can't be… could it?" Yang denied, her face cringing even as the words left her mouth.

Blake, eyeing Penny with caution, said, "Should… Should we, uh…?"

"I mean, it can't be worse than the shipping stuff can it? And hey, maybe it'll just be a clown?" Ruby then gasped and made a horrified face, "Wait! Don't tell me we fight an evil clown!?"

"I mean… considering what we've seen so far it's got to be something crazier than just… a clown. Maybe another of Cinder's crew?" Yang mused.

"If… it is then maybe… we should…?" Weiss couldn't finish her sentence, her mind already coming up with all the worst possibilities of what it could be.


Ruby's eyes shut momentarily, gathering her strength, and opened them with determination, "...Screw it, we've seen worse on this thing. Play it Penny."

"Okay then…" Penny then activated the mystery file.

Nothing happened for a few minutes.

Then a few more. And even more…

"... Is something going to-"

HONK

"AHH!"

At Weiss's scream, all the girls turned to the source of the noise, having appeared behind her.

Their brains collectively blue screened.

Sitting behind Weiss was a small stubby limbed clown, complete with red nose and rosy cheeks, dotty little eyes one would find in an old cartoon, clown shows, and a white and pink frilly dress that…

… looked like Weiss's.

In fact, the clown looked a lot like Weiss herself, with her trademark ponytail and scar lining her eye, and was holding a… gurgling rubber chicken.

Everyone stared at the interloper for a solid minute, Weiss's face increasingly growing more horrified with each passing moment.

Then another, HONK, and the clown… Weiss… thing got up and walked towards the Heiress.

Weiss's shriek of horror could have been comparable to a Banshee as she scooted backwards on the bed, yelling, "NO! D-DON'T COME ANY CLOSER!"

The others watched in utter bafflement as Clown Weiss approached Weiss, its smile looking completely unthreatening even as the Heiress looked on in abject terror. The rubber chicken kept gurgling, somehow.

They watched as Weiss eventually scooted her back up to the wall, pinned in place from the colorful abomination in front of her. It kept creeping closer, and closer, it's little hand coming up to reach for her. The Heiress shut her eyes as those fingers crept closer… until…

… "Boop!"

Weiss felt a tap on her nose.

She opened her eyes and went cross eyed at the tiny finger poking her full on the nose, then looked straight at the being in front of her, Clown Weiss smiling all the while with a warm grin.

The expression on the white haired woman's face said it all, then she said it herself a moment later, "... What."

"Uh… There's… an explanation here… "Dear Team RWBY, as it stands to reason you will be shown memes of… particularly doubtful quality, attached to this Scroll are several activation files, that will manifest a meme based on your appearances, curated for more wholesome times. This first one is simply named Clown Weiss, and was imagined by a particularly rambunctious individual. She is quite friendly, so there should be no worries as to her being a threat to any who you show this to. We hope you enjoy her presence, she does so love to entertain people."

Ruby, Yang and Blake stared at the android for a hot second, before all the other girls turned back to the stare at Clown Weiss next to Weiss.

Then Yang promptly burst into hysterics.

Blake started chuckling unsurely, growing in intensity until she was doubling over laughing in the blondes lap. Ruby started giggling up a storm, Penny joining with her as they all realized the incredulity of the situation.

Weiss just stared with an extremely confused look on her face, looking back and forth between Clown Weiss and the rest of the girls.

"Haha hahahaha! O-Oh my Gods! S-someone actually m-made y-you a-" Yang pointed at the Heiress, looked at Clown Weiss, then continued her cackling.

Clown Weiss just smiled through it all, hopping off of Weiss's bed and romping towards the blonde brawler.

The others noticed and ceased their mad mirth, Yang wearing a broad smile on her face as she collected herself and ran a finger under her eyes to dry her tears, "H-Hey there l-little fella! N-nice to meetcha!"

Clown Weiss hopped onto the bed, and looked at Yang, giving the blonde a big grin, and raised the rubber chicken.

Then it… gurgled out, "Hello Yang! Nice to meet you too!"

The laughter… didn't stop, but they were now weirded out a little. As if that wasn't already happening.

"U-Uh… So you talk with the little uh…" Yang pointed anxiously at the rubber chicken, then grimaced when spittle flew from the things mouth.

"I sure do! I'm a really good ventriloquist!... Except no one likes when I do this one for some reason, but that's okay!"

"I… see?"

Ruby braved a look at her partner, seeing Weiss staring at the little clown thing in slightly dissipating horror.

She then turned back to Clown Weiss, giving… it? Her? A big smile, "Nice to meet you… Weiss?"

"No silly, Weiss is over there! I'm Clown Weiss!" Said thing pointed to where the Heiress was for confirmation.

"... So you're just called Clown Weiss?"

"Yup! Also Cleiss, or clussy if you're feeling particularly adventurous. Wouldn't recommend that one though."

Ruby held up a finger to ask what was wrong with clussy, before Weiss exploded into a crazed mess across from them, "NO! No no no! Why!? Why me!? Why not Yang!? She's the crazy one!"

"Hey!... I mean you're right but hey!"

"Who on earth would… would… make me… that!?" The hysteric Heiress pointed at Clown Weiss, steam practically coming out of her ears as she struggled to process the being in its entirety.

Clown Weiss's smile dropped at that, a sad frown making its way onto its cartoonish face, "You… don't like me?"

"I-!" Weiss stopped for a moment, taking in the oddly adorable way Clown Weiss was kicking its foot, looking for all the world like a scolded child, "I-? I-? I-? Uh?" Words stopped trying to form as the Heiress just kept staring.

"So! Uh… Clown Weiss! May I ask you a question?" Penny finally seemed to recover from her fit, looking toward the little being with a tilt of her head and a smile on her face.

The little clown bounced her head up and down, "Go ahead!" Gurgled the chicken again.

"What… are you?"

Clown Weiss tilted their head at the question, its smile coming back, "I'm a clown silly!"

"No, I mean… How are you… here…?" Penny trailed off helplessly as she tried to reword her question.

"I got caught in a plastic bag. Some meanies put some pies in there and I needed more ammo!"

"Oh! Well that's… Wait. Ammo?"

Clown Weiss suddenly had a pie in each head, making the girls question how it got them while they were all looking at it, "Mhm! I have blueberry pie, apple pie, cherry pie, strawberry pie, pecan pie, chocolate pie, vanilla pie, pineapple pie, gooseberry pie, dragon fruit pie, clock fruit pie, horse pie, green apple pie, banana pie, cream-"

"Wait, what was that about horse-"

"And lots more!" Blake's question went ignored as Clown Weiss put away its treat terrors… somewhere behind it, "But they aren't for any of you, gotta save 'em for some real meanies tonight."

"Well, uh, I guess, none of us were hungry anyway." Ruby smiled unsurely at the little fun muffin, before she asked another question, "So… Uh, if you're a clown, I guess you must have lots of little of those clown gizmo thingies huh?" She then gasped, an excited look on her face, "Oh! Can you make balloon animals?"

"Can I!? But that ain't all! I can make balloon weapons! Watch!" At that, Clown Weiss took out a small purple balloon, and took a deep breath, blowing into the rubber and filling it with air. With deftness one wouldn't expect from such stubby fingers, Clown Weiss fiddled with the balloon, pulling through knots and holes, until the end result resembled a small balloon sword.

Clown Weiss handed it to Ruby, who took the balloon with a smile, "Aw! Thank yo- Ouch!" As her finger traced along the "blade" however, a little cut formed on her finger, blood leaking out in small droplets.

"Careful silly! It IS a sword after all." Clown Weiss giggled at Ruby's stupefied expression, staring at the balloon blade and muttering "Wh-, How-, Buh…?"

"Uh… right, well…" Blake tried to find words to interact with the little clown, but words weren't exactly… working right now. For any of them. Especially Weiss.

The Heiress was still staring at Clown Weiss with a far off look in her eyes, until she finally asked, "What fresh hell is this?"

"I don't think hell can be fresh, it stinks way too much of cheap cologne and mustache wax."

The girls flummoxed at that, and Clown Weiss stretched their tiny little limbs, and then blew another balloon, "Well I'd love to stick around, but I have a few people I want to visit tonight! Pranks to do and all that!" Clown Weiss giggled as she turned the balloon into a large, loop shape, and with a wave and wink, she threw the loop over her head and let it fall gently over her… where she thus disappeared entirely, leaving the room clownless.

The girls stared at the spot for a long time after that.

"... There's another file called, Weed."

"Nope, I'm calling a veto tonight."

"Agreed."

"Ditto."

"Mhm."

"Buh?"

Cinder Fall, Emerald Sustrai and Mercury Black stared at the Scroll for a long time.

Eventually, Mercury summed up all of their thoughts in a single sentence.

"...What the fuck."

"Language!" HONK

They all whirled around to the source of the voice, Cinder's would be Maiden powers flaring, Emerald bringing out her Thief's Respite locked and loaded and Mercury's leg weapons sounding off with loud clacks, shells ready to spit death-

And they all looked down at the floor at a small Weiss Clown looking thing.

Silence descended.

Mercury, ever the maestro with words, "...What the fu-"

A pie slammed into his face before he could finish his sentence, the other two in the group turning to him in bafflement, before Emerald was also subject to her own creampie, head whipping back onto the ground and knocking her unconscious.

Cinder sent a scathing little glare at the interloper, surprised to see it already in her face and hastily bringing an arm up for a block. The Weiss Clown thing was not deterred however, water spouting out of its little flower and into the would be Maiden's face, sending her spluttering. Seconds later, a brown looking pastry slammed into her face with the force of a sledgehammer, and she rocketed into her bed.

Clown Weiss looked down on them all from atop a shelf, pies in her stubby little hands and a smug look on her face, "I'd make a joke about this, but your life is already one big one!"

Another balloon loop formed in a matter of moments, and Clown Weiss waved them all good bye with a wink, "Later you rapscallions!" A moment later after going through, she was gone.

Cinder would've felt more enraged if all of her wasn't consumed with disgust.

She got the horse pie.

Salem stood on the balcony of the Grimm lands, taking in the sight of her domain for… possibly the two hundred million billionth time, she didn't really know anymore. Gazing upon it was a little respite for her, whenever she wasn't planning the inevitable downfall of humanity, or guiding her minions with the grace of a master strategist, or torturing some poor Huntsmen with her experiments, or practicing evil faces in the mirror and trying to get her eyebrows just right, she would simply stare out over the horizon, at all the Grimm under her command and bask in its glory.

She had yet to hear of a report from her would be Maiden, but Salem was… confident Cinder could handle the upcoming event. And it would be so sweet to finally hear of Ozpin's personal academy finally breaking down into ruin.

Salem smiled, a wicked thing that would send anyone who saw it into mind numbing terror.

Then a red glint went off in the sky, and Salem's smile turned into an inquisitive frown, one eyebrow raised as she summoned a Seer. The species performed a wide range of more technical abilities, such as longe range communication, illusion manifestation, and the occasional telescopic tentacles.

One such limb reached up to her eye, and another looked to where the red glint was, and Salem… Salem's brain halted.

A clown was approaching her castle… and its arms were outstretched in a cross position, its white and pink frilly dress billowing like mad in the wind, ponytail swishing wildly, two balloon swords in its hands… and its eyes were glowing red.

It was headed straight for her, remarkably fast. Too fast. Ah-

There was an earth shattering kaboom, and Salem lost consciousness.

She later regained it after what felt like hours later, and Salem tried to get up, only to discover she was absolutely covered in cream filling, banana flavoring, she idly noted, from head to toe. Confusion warped her mind so thoroughly, that she almost missed the ticking.

She slowly turned to her left, her hand next to a rubber chicken. Several of them.

She was surrounded by them, and they were all ticking.

"...What the fu-"

The chickens all exploded, cream exploding in her vision again, this time a pleasant apple, but it was drowned out by the pressurized force of several hundred rubber inflated toys exploding into her, crushing every bone instantly and almost vaporizing her body.

Atop the castle, basking in its victory, was Clown Weiss. Nodding at a job well done, she formed another balloon loop, and let out one last extremely loud noise before disappearing.

HONK

Chapter Text

Yang stretched out on the bed of their dorm room , bored out of her mind. The rest of the team were minding their own business, with Blake reading a novel, Ruby playing a game on her scroll, and Weiss finishing a report for Professor Oobleck's class.

Yang finally got up from her bed, "You guys want to look at the scroll again?"

Weiss rolled her eyes, "We literally just went over memes an hour ago Xiao-Long."

"Yeah but what about checking out more of that fanart of us?"

Blake looked thoughtful, "It has been a while since we've checked." She looked to the rest of her team as she bookmarked the page she was on and closed her book, "I'm done with it."

Ruby frowned, "But Penny's not here!"

Yang waved her off as she took out the scroll and began to search through it for the appropriate page, "It's fine. It's just the fanart and honestly after that image from the first time I doubt Penny really would want to." Then she paused, frowning as she looked intently at the scroll.

"What?" Ruby asked upon seeing her sister's look. Yang simply passed her the scroll.

Ruby raised an eyebrow after looking at it, "Team STRQ Fanart collection?"

Blake looked thoughtful, "Team STRQ. That's your parents' team isn't it?"

Yang nodded before looking at her sister, "Well?"

Ruby looked thoughtful as she passed Yang the scroll, "Well I guess I am kind of interested…"

Weiss just sighed, realizing she wasn't going to get to finish her homework yet after all.

Soccer Moms [Team SSKR] by Saskyang

Yang blinked, "Huh, not what I was expecting for the first image. And all of our mom's together. That's…certainly unexpected I guess," she paused, "Well I can't speak entirely for Raven but it at least seems accurate personality wise to my mom, well Summer that is."

Blake smiled, "Same with my mom."

"Frankly I'm more surprised it's not my mother passed out from drinking," Weiss frowned, "And what in the blazes is Soccer?"

"It's much more likely that this is simply a sport from the world these people are from." Blake answered.

Yang grinned, "I bet I'd be the best on the team though."

Weiss rolled her eyes, "Really Xiao-Long…"

"Hey no need to act jealous Miss 'I've been training for weeks but still had trouble scoring.'"

Weiss huffed, "Must you be so childish?"

Blake sighed, "Guys…"

Ruby, who'd been staring at the image of Summer the entire time, gave a sad smile and spoke softly and interrupted the three before a argument could break out, "You know, it would have been nice if we all really did know each other as kids."

The three other members of the team paused and looked at her before glancing at each other, coming to a quiet agreement, as Yang put a hand on her sister's shoulder.

"Yeah Rubes. It sure would have been nice."

 

Domesticated Birds by Evebun

Blake giggled at the image and looked towards Yang and Ruby, "The both of you look adorable."

Ruby blushed a beating red and exclaimed, "Blaaake!" Weiss, Blake, and Yang just chuckled.

As the laughter died down, Yang's amusement faded, replaced by a contemplative if troubled look. She stared at the image showcasing the stark contrast between her uncle Qrow and her mother Raven, and found herself uneasy.

The image of her uncle wasn't far off from the man himself, at least as far as her memories of her childhood were concerned. Raven though…

Despite never meeting Raven, Yang couldn't shake the feeling that the image was an accurate representation of what kind of a parent she would have been.

Her uncle's stories, the ones he used to tell her to try and dissuade her from seeking Raven out, had certainly always been tinged with bitterness and disappointment. The image before her certainly seemed to corroborate that view.

It didn't exactly completely take away from her desire to find Raven, but it did add a hint of dread to the feeling.

"You alright Yang?" Blake asked.

Yang blinked, "Yeah… Yeah I'm fine."

Weiss gave a hum, "I must say Xiao-Long, your mother certainly seems…," she paused, feeling a bit hesitant, "…interesting as a person?"

"What gave that away? Her being passed out drunk in the first image, that image from last time of her holding me upside down, or me and Ruby terrified and holding on for dear life in this image?"

"Well…" Weiss blushed red, a bit embarrassed.

Yang waved her off, "It's fine Weiss. You don't have to say anything."

Ruby tried to be positive, "Maybe the real Raven wasn't that bad though?"

Yang snorted. "Nice attempt, sis, but with all the stories Uncle Qrow told me, this image probably isn't too far from the truth," she remarked. A frown formed on Yang's face as she continued, "Apparently, she had a tendency to be an 'impatient hothead'," Yang added, punctuating her words with air quotes.

Weiss nodded, "Ah so it's genetic."

Yang rolled her eyes.

 

Heartache by Dishwasher1910

"Ah the prophetic Dishwasher again…" Blake glanced at Ruby and Yang, "You guys gonna be okay?"

Yang blinked, her thoughts clouded with a mix of emotions. "Yeah, it's just... I never really considered what mom... Summer, that is, must have felt when dad proposed to Raven." The weight of that realization settled upon her, stirring a tad bit of empathy for her mother.

Ruby's gaze dropped, her voice laced with sad sympathy. "Poor mom..." She then looked up at Yang, desperately seeking a silver lining. "But at least it all eventually worked out, right?"

However, Yang's just gave her a sad smile, looking into Ruby's silver eyes that she had inherited from Summer. "Yeah, eventually."

First Kisses With Team STRQ by TehShraid

Yang raised an eyebrow, "Or maybe we were confusing why mom was crying."

Ruby goaned.

Blake hummed, looking at Yang and Ruby, "You know, you never did tell us what your dad told you about your mom's."

Yang nodded, acknowledging Blake's unfinished question. "No, I didn't."

Blake waited expectantly, hoping for some insight, but Yang remained silent, leaving them in suspense.

"You're not going to tell us, are you?" Blake finally voiced her suspicion.

"Not at the moment, no."

Blake sighed in disappointment while Ruby looked at Yang, her eyes filled with curiosity. "Do you think Raven really was mom's first kiss, though?"

Yang simply shrugged, keeping her thoughts and speculations close to her chest.

Caught in the Act by Eryx45

Chapter Text

"What's wrong with calling her 'Brat'?" Raven demanded. "My mother only called me that, it's just quicker if it's official."

Taiyang sighed. "...Maybe you should leave the mothering to Summer."

"Yeah, I was wondering why you didn't bring it up before the birth," Raven muttered.

"You see, girls, initially Oz planned to curse all of Team STRQ with the ability to turn into animals--he is really obsessed with number 4 for some reason, four maidens, four kingdoms, four academies, teams of four.... Anyway, Summer was especially giddy about it. But by the time Oz was done setting up Raven and Qrow he realized he wouldn't have enough mojo left to turn them all so he decided that two out of four wasn't bad, gave them some mystical excuse for why he couldn't continue, and called off the whole thing. Except Summer wouldn't drop the subject and kept bugging him about it after every mission for years until he finally gave in. Alas, he was already running on fumes so he had enough juice to turn her into (an admittedly adorable) corgi but not enough for her to turn back. And that is where Zwei came from," Taiyang finished, nodding as he stared at the fridge.

"Uh..." Ruby shared a look with Yang, who was looking at their father's dilated eyes suspiciously. "Dad, uh, did... did you get gassed by a tech support robot or something?"

"Exposerum is helluva drug."

"Two there should be," the mysterious figure declared. "No more, no less. One to embody power, the other to crave it."

"Who are you?" Ozpin cried in fear.

"Ozpin..." The figure pulled back their hood. "I... am your ex-wife!"

"No... it's not true!" he gasped. "It's impossible!"

"Search your feelings, you know it to be true!"

"NOOOOOOOOO!!"

The two locked blades of magical light, dueling as a volcano mysteriously went off in the background and tragic background music sounded out.

"It's over Salem!" Ozpin declared. "I have the high ground!"

"You underestimate my power!"

"Don't try it!"

Salem triple-somersaulted over Ozpin, who used his magic light blade to chop off her legs. For a moment, they glared at each other.

Then, in a flash of light, Salem's legs regenerated.

"...oh right," Ozpin realized, just before Salem stabbed him through the chest.

"Wait, is the headmaster a zombie?!" Ruby cried in shock.

Weiss rolled her eyes. "Don't be rediculous. He clearly died at some point in the earlier volumes." Her eyes narrowed at the scroll. "Though why it wasn't mentioned before, I don't know..."

"Perhaps it's supposed to be a surprise and there is someone with a shapeshifting semblance," Blake offered. "Or maybe illusions...?"

Elsewhere, Neo found herself wanting to yell at a cat... which was frustrating when she couldn't even talk.

"We are faunus!" Adam growled. "We are a significant part of the population! We are not humans with animal parts!"

"Would that make you animals with humans bits instead?"

Adam snarled at the heckler, unsheathing his sword. "DIE!"

"Huh, there's a meme here comparing Watts to Vegeta," Weiss noted.

Blake sighed. "I don't know who this 'Vegeta' is, but they sound like a problem."

"I would have gone with I have no idea who this 'Vegeta' is, but they sound like an asshole'," Yang admitted, "but either or works fine."

Ruby grinned. "So she climbed up somewhere and... broke a window?"

"That... would seem logical," Weiss admitted.

"It'd have to be somewhere on campus... relatively close, given that she's not been missing too long." Yang nodded thoughtfully. "Going out on a limb... the tower."

"The shower actually. I slipped, cracked the sliding door and cut myself a bit. I had to wait until my aura healed the cut enough not to bleed all over dance hall," Emerald explained. "And no, volunteering all this information isn't sus in the slightest. Now, would you like to dance?"

"If zey're ze heroes... zen... vould ve be ze villains?" Emerald turned to Mercury. "Merc... Are we ze baddies?"

"Of course not. Also, what's with the accent?"

"What about you, Blake? You seem to carry yourself with a sense of purpose."

Blake shook her head. "There's too much wrong in this world to just stand by and do nothing. Inequality, corruption... someone has to stop it."

"Very well." He looked directly at her. "How?"

"...Violence?"

"Capital," Oobleck replied, nodding approvingly.

"The world is full of people who just walk over whoever they think is their lesser," Cinder explained to Emerald.

"I see, senpai."

"Now stop thinking and obey."

"Yes senpai!"

Ruby rose a pair of fingers, signaling the rest of the team.

"Wait, 'rose' a pair of fingers?" Weiss asked. "Is that a grammatical error?"

"It's also a joke exploiting the different possible meanings of a word or the fact that there are words which sound alike but have different meanings."

"A what?"

Yang grinned. "It's also a pun."

Rolling out of Blake's grasp, Ruby pulled out Crescent rose and tracked the pair as they turned another corner. "You sure we have to follow them by rooftop? We could have kept out of sight on the ground--"

"You were fine with it when we staked out the docks."

"The docks aren't a crumbling ruin."

"Staying above the target gives us a superior vantage point and multiple angles of descent, while also keeping them from noticing us if they don't look up." Blake shrugged. "Something you learn in Menagerie."

Ruby huffed. "You really like Dust Wars in Menagerie, don't you?"

Blake snorted. "It's over hooman," she quoted in a mocking tone, "we have the high ground."

"Well, that suggests that there's something important about Ozpin's past that shapes the entirety of the story. Which... means we're going to need to look into Ozpin's past," Weiss grumbled. "Great."

"For such a well-known and powerful huntsman, Ozpin is surprisingly boring," Yang noted, looking through her scroll. "I can't find anything that would be interesting for a show."

"We could just ask Ozpin about his past," Ruby pointed out.

Blake rolled her eyes. "That's not suspicious at all."

"No it's not," Ruby insisted, "we can just say we're curious and ask what inspired him to be a huntsman."

And so, a few minutes later, they had tracked down their headmaster and asked the question.

"Well," Ozpin began, "like most long stories, it all kind of goes back to my ex-wife..."

What followed was a half hour of traumatic revelations.

"Overall," Ozpin finally summarized, "you could say that in spite of everything, my ex-wife still misses me... BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER!"

"Ignore the girls with the enormous heads!" Scarlet insisted. "I am a perfectly normal human worm baby!

"What about your skin color?!?" Yang demanded.

Blake winced. "Yang, what's wrong with you? he's probably just a Faunus-"

"CEASE YOUR LIES OF DOOKIE FROM YOUR NOISE HOLES!" Scarlet screeched. "Tis' nothing but a skin condition! Everyone knows Faunus are simply myth: like Santa Claus, and human resource departments, and universal basic income."

"...well now I'm offended for multiple reasons," Blake conceded.

"...Either Ozma or the gods are screwing with me," Salem muttered.

"How dare the authors not make me the protagonist?" Watts demanded.

"Of course my dark goddess is the greatest villain of all time," Tyrian declared with a wild grin.

Hazel merely shrugged.

"Thanks for... well." Blake shrugged. "I could thank you for a lot, but right now, thanks for showing me to the docks."

"Not a problem. You, uh, sure that letter's going to reach your parents?"

"Yeah. He doesn't look that way but that pigeon faunus is actually a very reliable messenger."

Taiyang let out a long, low sigh. "You're right. I've put this off for far too long." He put the pan down, turning around. "You girls deserve to know... the truth."

He turned around, face serious. "You're adopted. No hanky-panky actually took place under this roof. We actually found you in a couple of pods that fell from space..."

Several hours passed as he regaled the girls with the story of their discovery.

"... after we slew those three Ursas we finally recovered Yang from that house. All of the porridge was already eaten for some reason. All of the beds unmade. I don't know why that stuck in my mind... Anyway, that's Yang. Ruby on the other hand-we found her under a tree sprouting golden apples, and surprise surprise, there was another Ursa there! And also a Beowolf wearing a pink frilly hat and little spectacles. So we figured, after a quick lunch of apple pies and apple juice, we kill the Ursa and skedaddle. Qrow found an axe and hit the Beowolf with it, on accident, can you imagine?"

Taiyang grinned. "And then, I had two daughters!"

"...I'm going to need some time to process this," Yang admitted.

"Same," Ruby agreed.

Taiyang let out a long, low sigh. "You're right. I've put this off for far too long." He put the pan down, turning around. "You girls deserve to know... the truth."

He turned around, face serious. "I'm just the babysitter. You're both daughters of Raven and Summer."

"Wha... but I'm blonde!" Yang protested. "Naturally!"

Taiyang shrugged. "Recessive gene from Summer, her dad was just a blonde."

"A-and Uncle Qrow?" Ruby asked nervously.

"A clone of Raven that they screwed up on. To be expected when bandits steal a recombiner without the manual."

"...I'm going to need some time to process this," Yang admitted.

"Same," Ruby agreed.

Taiyang let out a long, low sigh. "You're right. I've put this off for far too long." He put the pan down, turning around. "You girls deserve to know... the truth." He turned around, face serious...

"...and so the moral of the story is, when setting up a bunk bed, keep your eyes on your work while doing the knots - if you don't do a good job Taiyang them, the furniture'll end up Summer uncomfortable and your wife will be Raven at you after she's done Qrowing 'I told you that was too loose!'" he finished, half an hour later.

Yang blinked. "Wait... wait a minute..."

"That whole story was a setup for a pun?!" Ruby exploded.

"...I'm going to need some time to process this," Yang admitted.

"Same," Ruby agreed.

Weiss sighed. "A butler is the head of household staff, a valet is a personal servant to one individual. And yes," she added, "I'm well aware that there's the stereotype of 'multiple butlers,' and some households have enough staff to require different specialists, but the majority of the staff are not technically butlers. Or valets."

"What about cake butlers Weiss?" Yang teased. "Are they separate from regular butlers?"

"Of course," Weiss replied solemnly. "A butler is just a job, but a cake butler... that is a vaulted role, only taken by the most virtuous of individuals."

"Ruby, why are you building Penny a second body?"

"Actually, this is the fourth. The first one is planned for use during the Vytal Festival, since it actually is magnetic..." Ruby offered, "The second one I did had a problem with the metal was too soft..."

"Never mind..."

The group pored over the scroll, and of course commentary was had....

"'Real Thirsty Moms', hmm?" Pyrrha turned to Jaune with a smirk. "Unfortunately for them, this tall glass of water is all for me~"

"Pyrrha, I am begging you to stop…" Jaune mumbled, beet-red.

Meanwhile, Ruby tilted her head in confusion. "What's a DI-?"

"MOVING ON!" Yang said quickly.

"I would also like to know," Weiss pointed out.

Blake, realizing the comedy of what she was about to unleash, proceeded to mischievously explain the acronym in full detail.

Penny turned to the now pale heiress. "Weiss, I am sorry that I am not a 'DILF'. I hope our relationship can continue despite this hurdle."

"Me too, Weiss," Ruby added seriously. "You can call me daddy if it makes you feel better."

Blake and Yang tried to hold back their laughter while Weiss curled up into a ball of mortification and shame.

"So, why are you here, Penny?" Weiss asked, noticing Penny using a gas mask.

"I always help Ruby recover after she gets herself blitzed," Penny offered, as Ruby gave a delirious "Pretty snow angel" when Weiss looked at her. "Well, would you want to deal with a girl who can lift a scythe half her weight like it weighs nothing when she's drunk or stoned out of her skull?"

"...Point."