Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

wei-wuxian added jiang-yanli, jiang-cheng, nie-huaisang, wen-qing, wen-ning, mianmian, wen-yuan, lan-jingyi, and jin-ling to it’s getting gay in here.

wei-wuxian: let’s goooooooo

jiang-cheng: What the hell is this

jiang-yanli: hi everyone!!

wen-qing: Why are we here?

wei-wuxian: thank u for ur question

wei-wuxian: we are gathered here today

wei-wuxian: bc i decided we needed a GSA gc!!

jiang-yanli: a-xian, you haven’t added all the club members?? 

wei-wuxian: ye for good reason

wei-wuxian: those other people have bad energy

jiang-yanli: what about a-xuan!!

wei-wuxian: i said what i said shijie

wei-wuxian: it’s not my fault ur bf has bad energy 

jiang-yanli: a-xian!

wei-wuxian: ugh ok FINE

wei-wuxian added thepeacock to the chat.

thepeacock: Wtf how do I change my name?

jiang-cheng: Can I please leave this chat I’m not even in your dumb club

wei-wuxian: u r now

jiang-yanli: please stay a-cheng!!

jiang-cheng: This is psychological warfare

wen-yuan: Hi everyone! 

wen-yuan: Shouldn’t Lan Wangji be in the chat since he’s the co-president?

jiang-cheng: Lol @wei-wuxian you just got scolded by a freshman

wen-yuan: Oh no I didn’t mean any disrespect!!

wei-wuxian: no lan zhan has been DISQUALIFIED from the chat for being too hot and uptight

wei-wuxian: wait i didn’t mean to say hot

wei-wuxian: no one tell him i said that

mianmian: i’m feeling kinda messy rn so i’m gonna add him, for the drama

wei-wuxian: WAIT NO MIANMIAN CAN HE SEE PRIOR CHAT HISTORY IF HE’S ADDED

mianmian added lan-wangji to the chat.

lan-wangji: Hello, everyone. Yes, Wei Ying, I can see your previous messages.

wei-wuxian: UM

wei-wuxian: ANYWAy

wei-wuxian: haha hey what’s up

lan-wangji: I did not know you intended to make a club group chat, but it does seem like it will facilitate communication.

thepeacock: Seriously how do I change my name

jiang-yanli: I’ll call you and help!

nie-huaisang: yoooooo hey everyone this is dope

wen-ning: thank you for adding me to this group @wei-wuxian!! I’m really excited to be in GSA

wei-wuxian: what the hell man i created this gc three minutes ago and ur already trying to make me cRY?

wen-ning: oh no I’m sorry!!!

lan-wangji: He’s fine, Wen Ning. We are pleased you joined the club.

wei-wuxian: y do u type like a dad lan zhan

mianmian: we’re not here to shame people for their linguistic choices!!

nie-huaisang: yeah we’re here to be dysfunctional and gay

wen-qing: Speak for yourself. I’m very functional

wei-wuxian: wen qing is so functional it genuinely scares me

thepeacock changed their name to jin-zixuan.

wei-wuxian: was honestly kinda hoping u wouldn’t figure that out

jin-ling: Why did I just get out of class to find @wei-wuxian blowing up my phone

wei-wuxian: ur welcome for including u, gremlin

lan-jingyi: I also just got out of class. hey everyone

jiang-yanli: hi!!!

lang-wangji: Hello.

wen-ning: can I ask you guys a question

lan-wangji: Of course. This group chat is for socializing, but everyone should feel comfortable expressing what’s on their mind or seeking advice.

wen-ning: ok cool! do you guys think the loch ness monster is real??

lan-wangji: I do not know what I was expecting, but it was not this.

wei-wuxian: duuuuuude LMAO rip lan zhan was so ready to dole out some expert wisdom and be a Dad™️ 

mianmian: nessie is 100% real and I love her

wei-wuxian: we’ve never seen jiang cheng and the loch ness monster in the same room

wei-wuxian: smth to think about

jiang-cheng: If I were the loch ness monster I would’ve already eaten you

wei-wuxian: rude, but fair 

nie-huaisang: i think me and nessie would really vibe

mianmian: @wen-qing @jiang-yanli do u want to hang out with me and nessie

jiang-yanli: omg yes!!

wen-qing: I want to say no, but like...yes

wei-wuxian: am i invited

mianmian: no <3

wen-qing: Absolutely not

wei-wuxian: i can’t believe i’m being bullied in a gc of MY OWN CREATION

wei-wuxian: lan zhan censure them for cyberbullying 

lan-wangji: I do not have the power to do that. Also, no. 

wei-wuxian: ok i see i have to take matters into my own hands here

wei-wuxian added lan-xichen to the chat.

wei-wuxian: thanks 4 coming lan xichen

lan-xichen: I did not really have any say in the matter, but you’re welcome!

wei-wuxian: anyway can u report wen qing and mianmian for bullying me

lan-xichen: Based on the messages above, I don’t think you have anything that would substantiate that kind of complaint 

wei-wuxian: what kind of faculty adviser r u

wei-wuxian: lan zhan ur brother is the worst

lan-xichen: Is there a reason not all the club members are in this chat?

wei-wuxian removed lan-xichen from the chat.

wei-wuxian: we don’t need that kind of negative energy here

the squad

lan-jingyi: I can barely keep up with this GSA group chat there’s like a billion messages

jin-ling: Just mute it like I did

lan-jingyi: are you insane I’m not going to MUTE the EXCLUSIVE group chat we were invited to by COOL SENIORS

lan-jingyi: I just need to figure out how I too can seem cool in that chat

jin-ling: I’d say “fake it til you make it” but I have serious doubts you’ll ever make it

lan-jingyi: now THIS is cyberbullying

wen-yuan: I think it’s nice we were included in the group chat! There’s a lot of great people in the club 

jin-ling: Please you’re just sucking up to Lan Wangji since he’s your TA

lan-jingyi: u say that as if you haven’t been simping for jiang yanli since she was your orientation adviser 

lan-jingyi: hahahaha @wen-yuan remember when he got drunk that weekend after orientation and said he wishes she were his mom 

wen-yuan: It was very sweet

wen-yuan: And I’m not sucking up to Lan Wangji! I just think he’s cool 

lan-jingyi: he’s also, in the words of wei wuxian, “hot”

lan-jingyi: is anyone else getting a Vibe there

jin-ling: No

jin-ling: What kind of vibe

lan-jingyi: that wei wuxian likes lan wangji!! 

lan-jingyi: you know…

wen-yuan: I just know you’re about to have a very bad idea

lan-jingyi: if we helped MATCHMAKE him and lan wangji, he would definitely think we’re cool!!

jin-ling: That makes no sense

wen-yuan: I’m not sure we should be meddling in their love lives

lan-jingyi: think of the possibilities!! lan wangji will probably be so grateful to us he’ll raise ur grades!! a happy TA will only improve your life 

wen-yuan: I mean, maybe?

jin-ling: Are you actually CONSIDERING this???

wen-yuan: I mean, they’d be really cute together?

jin-ling: I am not participating in this

lan-jingyi: if we get caught we’re gonna tell them ur involved anyway

jin-ling: Ugh ok fine

jin-ling: Being your roommate has brought me nothing but strife so far

lan-jingyi: you mean JOY and EXCITEMENT

jin-ling: So what’s your grand matchmaking plan

lan-jingyi: well

lan-jingyi: I don’t have one

lan-jingyi: yet

lan-jingyi: but I’m sure one will come to me soon

Chapter Text

the squad

lan-jingyi added ouyang-zizhen to the chat.

lan-jingyi: I am inducting @ouyang-zizhen into the squad

lan-jingyi: for purposes of The Mission

lan-jingyi: wei wuxian is his RA!!

ouyang-zizhen: hi guys!!!

ouyang-zizhen: it’s true

jin-ling: He’s your RA??

jin-ling: Does he suck

ouyang-zizhen: NO he’s great!!

ouyang-zizhen: last week he made us cookies!

ouyang-zizhen: well, they were definitely store-bought but he said he made them so isn’t that what really counts

jin-ling: No I don’t think so

lan-jingyi: zizhen is gonna help us gather intel

wen-yuan: Is that not a little...creepy??

jin-ling: I mean yeah it definitely is

ouyang-zizhen: I think it’s kinda romantic

lan-jingyi: I will not be taking any more questions or comments about the plan at this time

jin-ling: We still don’t even know what the plan is

lan-jingyi: I’M WORKING ON IT OK

it’s getting gay in here

wei-wuxian: guys

wei-wuxian: have u ever considered that

wei-wuxian: essays are homophobic

lan-wangji: Explain.

wei-wuxian: i’m gay and having to write an essay is inconveniencing me

wei-wuxian: well technically im bi but i had to do it for the meme

mianmian: I agree

lan-wangji: I often enjoy writing essays.

wei-wuxian removed lan-wangji from the chat.

wei-wuxian: i didn’t come here for this NEGATIVITY

jiang-yanli added lan-wangji to the chat.

jiang-yanli: I would apologize for my brother’s behavior, but I think you’re used to it @lan-wangji

lan-wangji: Yes.

wen-yuan: How long have you guys known each other?

lan-jingyi: yea like how did you meet

wei-wuxian: lan zhan, i’ll let u take it away

lan-wangji: Too long.

wei-wuxian: ok well that’s just BAD storytelling

wei-wuxian: allow me to set the scene

wei-wuxian: it was a dark and stormy night

lan-wangji: It was a sunny morning.

wei-wuxian: UGH lan zhan i am the storyteller here

lan-wangji: I am simply trying to help you provide an accurate account.

wei-wuxian: shhhhhhhhhhh back to the story

wei-wuxian: once upon a time

wei-wuxian: there was a handsome prince named wei wuxian

jiang-cheng: That definitely can’t be right

wei-wuxian: I AM THE STORYTELLER

mianmian: LOL I bet the freshmen already regret asking

wei-wuxian: no no no ok

wei-wuxian: so lan zhan and i were small bb frosh

wei-wuxian: so young, so naive

wei-wuxian: we were in the same freshman seminar

wei-wuxian: lan zhan met me and instantly recognized my superiority

lan-wangji: No. I met you and realized you were drinking wine out of a water bottle during class.

wei-wuxian: whats ur point

wei-wuxian: jiang cheng bet me i couldn’t get away with it so i HAD TO

jiang-cheng: Yeah, and I was right

jiang-cheng: Lan Wangji reported you to the professor

jiang-cheng: Idiot

lan-wangji: Drinking during class is against the rules. 

wei-wuxian: and thus began a beautiful, tender enmity between me and lan zhan

lan-wangji: I am not sure I agree with this description.

wei-wuxian: and now we’re co-presidents!!

lan-wangji: Yes. Unfortunately.

the squad

jin ling: Great idea @lan-jingyi youre trying to matchmake two people who hate each other

lan-jingyi: that is not the takeaway here

lan-jingyi: you need to read between the lines!!

jin-ling: Or I could just read what they’re actually saying, which is that they don’t like each other

jin-ling: You’re a dumbass

lan-jingyi: nooooo I’m a visionary

lan-jingyi: @ouyang-zizhen @wen-yuan help me out here

wen-yuan: I mean, Wei Wuxian does seem to rile him up like no one else does

ouyang-zizhen: what is the context for this conversation??

lan-jingyi: oh yea! I’ll add you to the GSA group chat

it’s getting gay in here

lan-jingyi: is it okay if I add my friend who wants to join the club??

jiang-yanli: yes of course!!

wei-wuxian: ok fine but they have to pass the vibe check

lan-jingyi added ouyang-zizhen to the chat.

wei-wuxian: omg HELLO

wei-wuxian: guys this is one of my children

ouyang-zizhen: hi! thanks for letting me join!

jiang-cheng: Oh god I forgot you’re an RA

jiang-cheng: I don’t know how you got approved for that

wei-wuxian: um bc they recognized my skill at raising the next generation??

jiang-cheng: You should not be allowed anywhere near the next generation

jiang-yanli: I’m sure a-xian is a wonderful RA

wen-ning: he was my RA last year and he was awesome! he really helped me adjust to college life

wei-wuxian: @wen-qing plz tell ur brother to stop making me crY

wen-qing: I can’t. That’s just what he does

wei-wuxian: @wen-ning u sweet summer child u r the best duckling I ever raised

wen-ning: <3

jiang-cheng: I am still unconvinced

wei-wuxian: r u saying wen ning is a liar???!???

wen-qing: He wouldn’t dare

jiang-cheng: No I’m not!

jiang-cheng: Jeez

mianmian: what I love most about this gc is the way it will never know peace

nie-huaisang: so true dude this is keeping me young

wen-qing: Anyone else find it kind of similar to watching a nature doc?

nie-huaisang: assorted LGBTQs in their natural habitat: bullying each other online

nie-huaisang: so beautiful

mianmian: “assorted lgbtqs” makes us sound like a fancy appetizer

mianmian: I love that for us

lan-wangji: Should we perhaps discuss fundraising options for the club? I am open to suggestions.

nie-huaisang: let’s rob jeff bezos

wen-qing: We could sell our unimportant organs

wei-wuxian: what if we put the university on craigslist

jiang-yanli: oooohhh we should start like a daycare for cats 

wen-ning: did you guys know you can make $25/hr communing with people’s dead pets

lan-wangji: I am no longer open to suggestions.

jin-zixuan: I'm genuinely scared

wei-wuxian: ok peacock no one asked u

wen-yuan: We could...have a bake sale??

lan-wangji: That is an acceptable idea. Who here can bake? 

wei-wuxian: i am a culinary wizard

jin-ling: @ouyang-zizhen told us you tried to pass store-bought cookies off as homemade ones

ouyang-zizhen: SHUT UP JIN LING

ouyang-zizhen: I never said that

jiang-cheng: That sounds exactly like something he would do

wei-wuxian: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh no no i would never

jiang-yanli: I would be happy to bake something!!

jin-zixuan: I can too

wei-wuxian: does that mean ur gonna make shijie bake smth and pass it off as ur own?

jin-zixuan: I can...not

jiang-yanli: we can make something together <3

wei-wuxian: gross

jiang-cheng: Disgusting

wei-wuxian: ok well I’M going to bake smth and it’s going to be AMAZING

jiang-yanli: that sounds lovely a-xian!

jiang-yanli: but should someone maybe...supervise?

jiang-cheng: It’s not gonna be me

jiang-cheng: I’m not taking responsibility for any kitchen fires

wei-wuxian: i don’t set kitchen fires!!

wei-wuxian: ,,,.,,,.,.,...anymore

jiang-yanli: @lan-wangji I’ve heard you’re a great baker! maybe you could help a-xian?

lan-wangji: Fine. I will ensure Wei Ying does not damage any property.

despairing bystanders

mianmian: LOL @jiang-yanli that was NOT subtle

jiang-yanli: they just need a little push!!

wen-qing: How long do you think it will take the freshmen to figure out Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji are obsessed with each other

wen-qing: Actually, no

wen-qing: How long do you think it’ll take Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji to figure out they’re obsessed with each other??

jiang-cheng: They’re so dumb

jiang-yanli: not dumb!! just very stubborn

jiang-yanli: well

jiang-yanli: maybe a little dumb

jiang-yanli: wei wuxian is still convinced lan wangji hates him

mianmian: if only I could tell him about the time lan wangji got drunk and revealed to me his intense desire to run his hands through wei wuxian’s hair

mianmian: have u guys ever had to deal with a drunk lan wangji??

mianmian: he kept asking me if i had any LIVE CHICKENS he could give wei wuxian as a gift

nie-huaisang: that is, in a word, gay

mianmian: INCREDIBLY gay

jiang-cheng: Can I just state again for the record that I don’t care about my brother’s love life

jiang-yanli: shhhhh a-cheng we all know you’re secretly invested

mianmian: do u think they’ll just stare into each other’s eyes while baking and realize they’re in Love

wen-qing: More likely Wei Wuxian will somehow injure himself and Lan Wangji will have to take care of him

jiang-yanli: now that would be romantic!!

jiang-yanli: I mean, obviously I would prefer the experience was injury-less but sometimes desperate measures are necessary??

wen-qing: How Machiavellian of you

wen-qing: I really respect it

jiang-yanli: oops don’t tell a-xian I said that

jiang-cheng: Wow scheming has really changed you a-jie

jiang-yanli: I can’t help it!! I just want a-xian to stop sabotaging himself and his opportunities for happiness

jiang-cheng: We can’t perform MIRACLES

mianmian: but we can try!!

it’s getting gay in here

wei-wuxian: guys u don’t rlly think i need baking supervision right???

wei-wuxian: guys?

Chapter Text

lan-xichen > lan-wangji

lan-xichen: Do you want to come over for dinner tonight?

lan-wangji: I cannot. I have a prior commitment to do something for GSA.

lan-xichen: Oh, really? I didn’t think there was a meeting tonight or anything

lan-wangji: There is not. It is an informal commitment.

lan-xichen: Oh?

lan-wangji: I am assisting Wei Ying in baking something for a fundraiser.

lan-xichen: I see! How kind of you!

lan-wangji: I can tell this amuses you. I assure you I am just ensuring he doesn’t set fire to his kitchen. That would be very unsafe for the freshmen who live in the building. 

lan-xichen: Of course, of course

lan-wangji: I have to go to class. Goodbye.

lan-xichen: Have fun baking with Wei Wuxian!

the squad

ouyang-zizhen: good news, guys

ouyang-zizhen: wei wuxian and lan wangji are baking in the common room kitchen 

ouyang-zizhen: I think bc wei wuxian broke his oven?

ouyang-zizhen: anyway this means I can give you updates!!

lan-jingyi: hell yea

lan-jingyi: how is the baking going

ouyang-zizhen: wei wuxian tried to put chili oil in the cookie dough and lan wangji glared at him for an entire 30 seconds until wei wuxian gave in

lan-jingyi: gazing into each other’s eyes!! that’s romantic!

jin-ling: He said “glared” you moron

wen-yuan: That does not seem promising??

lan-jingyi: lan wangji literally only has one facial expression

lan-jingyi: so how do we KNOW it was glaring and not romantic gazing hmmm?

wen-yuan: He has more than one expression, kind of

wen-yuan: They’re just subtle

lan-jingyi: ok fine @ouyang-zizhen send a pic and @wen-yuan will interpret

wen-yuan: That’s not really what I was getting at but okay

ouyang-zizhen: [3 images attached] 

lan-jingyi: wow great quality! love the different angles you provided

jin-ling: How tf have you not gotten caught

ouyang-zizhen: I am merely an innocent freshman studying in the common room

wen-yuan: Okay honestly I’m not an expert but that doesn’t seem like Lan Wangji’s angry face

wen-yuan: His expression is just...very intense

lan-jingyi: yea intensely in LOVE case closed

ouyang-zizhen: hm wei wuxian just dropped the entire tray of cookies on the ground and now they have to start over

ouyang-zizhen: [1 image attached]

ouyang-zizhen: what does this expression mean

wen-yuan: Hm I would say that’s his “you are lucky I possess this much self-restraint” face 

jin-ling: Lol this is going terribly

ouyang-zizhen: I honestly kind of think wei wuxian dropped the tray on purpose 

ouyang-zizhen: but i’m not really sure why?

lan-jingyi: SO THEY’D HAVE TO SPEND MORE TIME TOGETHER

jin-ling: Or because he wanted to piss off Lan Wangji

jin-ling: You know, bc hes kind of a dick

ouyang-zizhen: nooo he’s not! he’s actually a really cool guy 

ouyang-zizhen: my roommate came back super drunk last week bc he was sad about being away from home and wei wuxian made him hot chocolate and didn’t report him

ouyang-zizhen: and told him stories about his freshman year 

jin-ling: Ok fine so he’s only sometimes a dick

lan-jingyi: being in a group chat with jiang cheng is really rubbing off on you

jin-ling: Shut up

lan-jingyi: your hero worship for him is cute!!

jin-ling: I am going to block your number

lan-jingyi: oh are you quoting your idol jiang cheng rn??

ouyang-zizhen: omg guys

ouyang-zizhen: [1 image attached]

wen-yuan: Is Lan Wangji showing him how to use the beater??

jin-ling: Um does he know he doesn’t need to put his arms around him to do that

ouyang-zizhen: [1 image attached]

ouyang-zizhen: i think he does now!!

lan-jingyi: I cannot believe what my eyes are seeing

lan-jingyi: IS LAN WANGJI BLUSHING

ouyang-zizhen: wei wuxian accused him of exactly that and lan wangji said “it is warm in here” and then “your technique was subpar” 

lan-jingyi: now that’s romance baby

it’s getting gay in here

mianmian: wow this group chat is so quiet without wei wuxian

wen-qing: It’s so...peaceful

wei-wuxian: im not DEAD i can still see ur messages!!

wei-wuxian: nvm lan zhan says im not allowed to text while mixing the dough

wei-wuxian: BUT I WILL RETURN

mianmian: great now that he’s gone

mianmian: what’s the dumbest thing u’ve ever seen wei wuxian do

jiang-cheng: Last week when he was drunk he emailed one of his professors that it’d be great if she could make her class “suck less”

jiang-yanli: and you didn’t stop him?!

jiang-cheng: No why would I

nie-huaisang: one time he convinced me we should climb into that koi pond by the dining hall and try to catch the fish with our bare hands

wen-qing: Were you both intoxicated?

nie-huaisang: no we were both stone-cold sober why do u ask

wen-qing: OK I have no follow-up questions

nie-huaisang: i didnt catch any fish :(

wen-qing: One time he climbed into a tree to rescue a cat he thought was stuck

wen-qing: The cat immediately jumped down, because she was not stuck

wen-qing: And then Wei Wuxian realized he was stuck

wen-ning: yeah and then he injured himself trying to get down and jiejie had to provide medical care!

wen-qing: He would not go to the health center, despite the fact that I’m only PRE-MED

mianmian: frosh, above is a good template for all the things you should not do

wen-yuan: LOL okay got it!

lan-jingyi: noted

mianmian: i’m glad we had this talk

mianmian: so how was everyone’s day

nie-huaisang: mine was great i got some free pizza from the nursing building

mianmian: how do you always know where to find free food on campus

nie-huaisang: idk! just luck, i guess

mianmian: I don’t believe that for a second!! you need to start alerting the chat to free food opportunities

nie-huaisang: ok ok i will

wei-wuxian: wow

wen-qing: Oh no, he’s back

wei-wuxian: here i was, HARD AT WORK, making food for OUR bake sale

wei-wuxian: and u all take this opportunity to ruthlessly SLANDER me??

jiang-cheng: How is it slander if we are recounting things you actually did

wen-qing: Technically, slander is spoken, so if anything this would be libel since it’s all written down

wen-qing: Except that it’s all true

wen-qing: So you have no legal standing

wei-wuxian: lets try this again

wei-wuxian added lan-xichen to the chat.

wei-wuxian: lan xichen im being bullied do something!!

lan-xichen: Hello everyone!

jiang-yanli: hi!

nie-huaisang: hey

wei-wuxian: lan xichen!!!!!

lan-xichen: How are fundraising preparations coming along? I heard there was some baking going on tonight

lan-wangji removed lan-xichen from the chat.

wei-wuxian: lan zhan why did u do that!! i needed him to defend my honor

jiang-cheng: He was definitely never going to do that

lan-wangji: My hand slipped.

wei-wuxian: wHat

wei-wuxian: ok anyway

wei-wuxian: our cookies are in the oven

wei-wuxian: lan zhan stifled my creative instincts but i assume they will still be the most delicious cookies ever made

lan-wangji: I did not think it was appropriate to make cookies spicy.

wei-wuxian: agree to disagree

mianmian: your baking instincts scare me

jiang-yanli: proud of you a-xian!! I can’t wait to try one

wei-wuxian: i made one in the shape of a lotus flower just 4 u

jiang-yanli: <3

jiang-cheng: Why don’t I get a lotus flower cookie

wei-wuxian: bc u told me u would rather drink poison than eat anything i baked

jiang-cheng: So??

nie-huaisang: hey where have all the freshmen disappeared to

lan-jingyi: oh haha sorry we were just busy working on this project

wei-wuxian: ew why r u doing schoolwork it’s the weekend

jiang-cheng: It’s literally Wednesday

wei-wuxian: huh

wei-wuxian: that can’t be right

despairing bystanders

nie-huaisang: well that was suspicious

nie-huaisang added lan-xichen to the chat.

nie-huaisang: sir What Do You Know

lan-xichen: Hello

lan-xichen: About what?

wen-qing: About Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian

jiang-yanli: and their somewhat obvious affection for each other!!

lan-xichen: Oh, I see

lan-xichen: Normally I would say it’s inappropriate for me to gossip

lan-xichen: But I think Wangji might need a little push

mianmian: that’s the spirit

Chapter Text

wei-wuxian: a prof cant fail u just bc they don’t like u right??

wei-wuxian: hypothetically speaking

lan-wangji: What did you do?

wei-wuxian: what makes u think i did anything!!!

wei-wuxian: maybe this professor is just unreasonably biased against me

wei-wuxian: also i said HYPOTHETICALLY

jiang-yanli: ok but a-xian really what did you do??

jin-zixuan: The professor asked him to read aloud from this book during class and he instead recited the lyrics to some One Direction song

wei-wuxian: that song has critical educational value

wei-wuxian: also wait how do u even know this???

jin-zixuan: I’m in your class!

wei-wuxian: since when

jin-zixuan: Since the beginning of the semester?

jin-zixuan: You literally asked to copy my notes like two days ago

wei-wuxian: that doesn’t sound like me

jiang-yanli: oh no was the professor mad??

wei-wuxian: yea he was pissed but in my defense he’s an asshole

wei-wuxian: im only taking his class bc its a graduation requirement!! that doesn’t mean i want to sit there and read this book about why fascism is good, actually

jin-zixuan: That’s not exactly what the book says

jin-zixuan: But...it’s pretty close, so

mianmian: yikes

mianmian: i support ur rebellion wei wuxian

wei-wuxian: thanks mianmian <3

jiang-yanli: a-xian you know I’m always on your side!! but I’m worried about this professor retaliating!

lan-wangji: It seems unwise to anger your professor. That being said, I understand why you did.

wei-wuxian: love u shijie

wei-wuxian: wow did u guys hear that

wei-wuxian: lan zhan basically endorsed my bad behavior

lan-wangji: I did no such thing.

mianmian: once again lil frosh bbs, if you want to survive college relatively unscathed you should strive to do the opposite of everything wei wuxian does

jin-ling: Ok got it

wen-yuan: Haha okay!

lan-jingyi: what 1d song was it tho

wei-wuxian: thank u for ur important question

wei-wuxian: drag me down

lan-jingyi: oh that’s a banger

wei-wuxian: i know!!! my prof is just a h8r

wen-qing: Or he just wants to maintain a professional classroom environment?

wei-wuxian: its wen chao

wen-qing: Never mind he is a h8r

wen-qing: Carry on

wei-wuxian: thanks queen

yunmeng trio

wei-wuxian: did u see he said he UNDERSTANDS why i did that

wei-wuxian: i think he’s kinda starting to tolerate me!!

jiang-yanli: I’ve told you many times I don’t think Lan Wangji hates you

wei-wuxian: ye but u just think that bc ur so nice

jiang-yanli: >:( a-xian

wei-wuxian: shiiiiijiiiiiiieeeee

wei-wuxian: don’t worry about it

wei-wuxian: everything is fine here

wei-wuxian: how is ur day going!!!

jiang-yanli: really well! I just had lunch with Jin Ling

jiang-yanli: he’s so sweet

wei-wuxian: oh yeah the angsty freshman

wei-wuxian: were u providing ~mentorship~

jiang-yanli: yes he was one of the kids in my orientation group! so I just wanted to check in on how his semester is going

wei-wuxian: he and @jiang-cheng have the exact same outraged face

jiang-cheng: Shut up we do not

wei-wuxian: ah, ive summoned him

wei-wuxian: how was class

jiang-cheng: It went better than yours

jiang-cheng: Because unlike you I’m not insane

wei-wuxian: we have no proof of that

jiang-yanli: are you both still coming over for dinner tonight?

jiang-cheng: Yes of course

wei-wuxian: not to be dramatic but i would rather die than miss it

jiang-cheng: How was that not being dramatic

jiang-yanli: see you both at 7 <3

lan-wangji > wei-wuxian

lan-wangji: Wei Ying. Are you attending the meeting tonight?

wei-wuxian: the wha

lan-wangji: There is a meeting tonight for campus club leaders with some key administrators. You do not have to attend but I thought I would ask if you planned to so we might present a united front.

wei-wuxian: no no no ill attend! 

wei-wuxian: i love meetings

wei-wuxian: meetings are gr8

wei-wuxian: by “united front” do u mean u want to sit next to me ;)

lan-wangji: The meeting is at 7. I will see you there.

yunmeng trio

wei-wuxian: could we possibly do dinner earlier??

wei-wuxian: i just remembered lan zhan and i have this administrator meeting to attend for GSA

wei-wuxian: it’s at 7 and i cant really get out of it, so

jiang-yanli: that does sound important! 

jiang-yanli: we can do 6 instead if that works for a-cheng??

jiang-cheng: I’ll have to consult my schedule

wei-wuxian: i know with 100000% certainty that u have nothing going on tonight

wei-wuxian: or ever

jiang-cheng: Shut up I could have plans you don’t know me

jiang-yanli: I’ll get started on the soup so it’s ready by 6!

wei-wuxian: ur an angel shijie

despairing bystanders

jiang-yanli: [1 screenshot attached]

jiang-yanli: they’re going to a meeting together <3

mianmian: wow a m e e t i n g? is this how all the greatest love stories started

nie-huaisang: apparently only one of them actually has to attend so it is kinda romantic that they're going together

mianmian: literally how do you know that

nie-huaisang: idk bro i just heard it, somewhere,

lan-xichen: I am surprised Wangji did not say both of them attending would be “inefficient”

lan-xichen: Very interesting

mianmian: VERY interesting

mianmian: so lan xichen what’s the Matchmaking Plan

lan-xichen: I’m not sure I can offer a “plan”

lan-xichen: But perhaps I can provide some insight into Wangji’s mind, if that would help

nie-huaisang: that sounds like a lot of work what if we just lock them in a closet instead

wen-qing: They would probably kill each other

wen-qing: Which I guess could work, in the sense that it would no longer be our problem!

lan-xichen: I would prefer to avoid any casualties

nie-huaisang: ok fine if you insist

jiang-yanli: okay well a-xian thinks lan wangji hates him

jiang-yanli: how does lan wangji think a-xian feels about him??

lan-xichen: I believe Wangji thinks Wei Wuxian just likes to tease him, nothing more

mianmian: wei wuxian literally called him hot in the group chat a few days ago when he mistakenly thought lan wangji wouldn’t be able to see the message

lan-xichen: Did he really? My brother is maybe more stubborn than I thought

jiang-yanli: we need to find a way to show lan wangji that a-xian can be serious about things!!

jiang-cheng: Ok well for the record I’m in favor of just locking them in a closet

the squad

lan-jingyi: hello underlings how is Operation Love going

jin-ling: First of all, that name sucks

jin-ling: Second of all, the fact that you came up with this terrible idea does not make us your “underlings”

wen-yuan: I am still confused about what exactly the plan is

lan-jingyi: well the plan right now is that jin ling gathers info from his mom

lan-jingyi: by which i mean jiang yanli, if anyone didn’t get my joke

jin-ling: Shut up she’s not my mom

lan-jingyi: right right you just wish she were got it

jin-ling: UGH

jin-ling: You don’t even deserve to know what I found out

wen-yuan: Oh what did she tell you??

jin-ling: Only that Wei Wuxian talks about Lan Wangji constantly and everyone has been waiting for them to get together since freshman year

ouyang-zizhen: awwww that's cute

lan-jingyi: what I’m hearing is that when we inevitably get them to fall in love all the cool upperclassmen will be grateful to us?

jin-ling: For that to happen we would actually have to come up with a plan and execute it

lan-jingyi: I have lots of excellent plan ideas, in fact

lan-jingyi: for example

lan-jingyi: @ouyang-zizhen fakes an injury in front of wei wuxian and says only lan wangji is capable of healing him

lan-jingyi: or we convince them to join a campus theater group and get cast in the lead roles that have to kiss

lan-jingyi: OR we spread a rumor that they’re dating and they’ll be forced to talk about it with each other

lan-jingyi: or we somehow convince them to raise a pet together. but I’m not too sure how that would work, logistically

ouyang-zizhen: hm

jin-ling: Wow

lan-jingyi: pretty good, right?

jin-ling: I didn’t even know it was physically possible for someone to be as bad at this as you are

lan-jingyi: well I don’t see you offering any ideas

jin-ling: I’m not the one who wanted to matchmake them in the first place!

wen-yuan: If I may

wen-yuan: I think the baking situation went fairly well

wen-yuan: So maybe we just need to come up with some club activities that will force the two of them to spend more time together?

lan-jingyi: yea! like put on a play in which the two leads kiss!

wen-yuan: Perhaps we should keep brainstorming

Chapter Text

it’s getting gay in here

wei-wuxian: hello brethren

wei-wuxian: what do i do if a washing machine is making scary noises???

wen-qing: Did you create this group chat as some kind of personal crisis response team?

wei-wuxian: no but thankfully it can serve many critical functions

nie-huaisang: bro I can’t even solve my own personal crises let alone urs

wei-wuxian: washing machines dont generally tend to explode right??

wei-wuxian: can someone come here and look at it i am Afraid

jiang-yanli: omg sorry i would but i’m busy running an errand with a-xuan :(

jin-zixuan: What

jin-zixuan: Oh yeah

jin-zixuan: Yes, an errand

jiang-yanli: @lan-wangji are you busy right now??

lan-wangji: I am not.

jiang-yanli: maybe you could go help a-xian??

jiang-yanli: because you’re so good in a crisis!!

lan-wangji: I am not sure I possess much expertise related to washing machines.

lan-wangji: But I can attempt to assist.

wei-wuxian: wow shijie really is persuasive

wei-wuxian: plz lan zhan come save me

wei-wuxian: i cant afford to replace a washing machine

lan-wangji: I will be there shortly.

despairing bystanders

mianmian: there’s no chance that washer gets fixed is there

jiang-yanli: oh no probably not

jiang-yanli: worst comes to worst we hold another bake sale to raise funds for a new machine

jiang-yanli: and if that means a-xian needs baking supervision again, so be it <3

mianmian: okay was anyone else TOTALLY UNAWARE of how diabolical jiang yanli can be!!

mianmian: I love it here

wen-qing: I always suspected she had it in her

the squad

lan-jingyi: @ouyang-zizhen are you in position?

ouyang-zizhen: yes!

ouyang-zizhen: I am pretending to do laundry, as you asked

ouyang-zizhen: so I can provide updates

ouyang-zizhen: although I already did laundry yesterday so I’m just washing clean clothes?

lan-jingyi: we all have to make sacrifices for the cause, comrade

jin-ling: I can’t believe Wei Wuxian didn’t just contact maintenance

jin-ling: I can’t believe Lan Wangji didn’t just tell him to contact maintenance!!

lan-jingyi: people in love have no braincells

jin-ling: You must be really in love then

lan-jingyi: UM

wen-yuan: @ouyang-zizhen has Lan Wangji arrived yet?

ouyang-zizhen: not yet

lan-jingyi: while we wait I had another great idea 

jin-ling: Oh god

lan-jingyi: ok what’s the best romantic trope ever

lan-jingyi: “and there was only one bed,” right!!

jin-ling: Literally what 

lan-jingyi: yknow!! like there’s only one bed, so they have to share

lan-jingyi: so picture this

lan-jingyi: we make lan wangji’s bed unusable idk how maybe arson and then he’s like “oh no, where will I sleep” and wei wuxian is like “I have a bed we should just share” 

jin-ling: There are no fewer than 600 things wrong with that plan

wen-yuan: Can we go back to the “maybe arson” part?????

ouyang-zizhen: wait omg guys he’s here

ouyang-zizhen: [1 image attached]

ouyang-zizhen: what does that face mean

wen-yuan: He seems...concerned?

ouyang-zizhen: he probably should be idk what’s wrong with that machine but the noises it’s making are ungodly

ouyang-zizhen: [1 image attached]

ouyang-zizhen: he just told wei wuxian to stand back I think he’s gonna try and open the top

wen-yuan: Is he…standing in front of Wei Wuxian to protect him?

lan-jingyi: oh my GOD

ouyang-zizhen: [1 image attached]

ouyang-zizhen: perhaps a slight setback

wen-yuan: Oh no why is he making his exasperated face?

ouyang-zizhen: it seems the cause of the noise was...a brick??? in the machine?????

jin-ling: The fuck

wen-yuan: How did a brick get in there?

ouyang-zizhen: wei wuxian said “oh my god I forgot that was in my hamper”

ouyang-zizhen: so really nothing is explained

lan-jingyi: gotta say I really didn’t see that coming 

lan-jingyi: I bet my bed-sharing idea doesn’t seem so bad now huh

jin-ling: No it definitely still does

it’s getting gay in here

wei-wuxian: VICTORY

wen-qing: I take it the washing machine issue is resolved?

wei-wuxian: YES thanks to my knight in shining armor

lan-wangji: I did not do much.

wei-wuxian: he saved my LIFE

lan-wangji: That is not an accurate characterization of what occurred.

wei-wuxian: u have my eternal gratitude sir

wei-wuxian: how ever shall i repay u

lan-wangji: That is not necessary.

jiang-cheng: Excuse me wei wuxian why have I never gotten any of this elusive gratitude 

wei-wuxian: idk maybe u haven’t earned it

jiang-cheng: Ok I’ll remember that next time you need someone to bail you out of jail

wei-wuxian: that was one time!!! it was a misunderstanding

jiang-cheng: You vandalized a building!!

wei-wuxian: yes *i* misunderstood the law

jiang-yanli: a-xian maybe to thank lan wangji you could take him out for a nice lunch!

despairing bystanders

mianmian: anyone feel like @jiang-cheng took the “get lan wangji to see wei wuxian in a different light” plan and ran with it in completely the wrong direction LOL

nie-huaisang: yeah maybe in the future just dont mention any misdemeanors??

jiang-cheng: Maybe Lan Wangji should know what he’s getting into

jiang-yanli: a-cheng!

jiang-cheng: Fine fine 

jiang-cheng: I will not discuss Wei Wuxian’s criminal background in front of Lan Wangji

lan-xichen: Should I be concerned about what’s going on here?

jiang-yanli: no!

nie-huaisang: no no

mianmian: just some highly skilled, very competent matchmakers being highly skilled and very competent!! nothing to see here

lan-xichen: Alright then

wei-wuxian > lan-wangji

wei-wuxian: so whaddya say haha 

wei-wuxian: thank-you lunch? on me? tomorrow?

lan-wangji: It is not necessary for you to thank me.

wei-wuxian: is that a no?? lol

lan-wangji: It is not a no. We can have lunch tomorrow. There is club business for us to discuss anyway.

wei-wuxian: oh right right haha club stuff ya sounds good!!!

wei-wuxian: does 12 work?

lan-wangji: That will be fine.

wei-wuxian: cool cool cool

it’s getting gay in here

wei-wuxian: we should bond

wei-wuxian: who in this chat is most likely to join a pyramid scheme go

jin-ling: Lan Jingyi

lan-jingyi: excuse me!!

jin-ling: I said what I said

jiang-yanli: are you sure this isn’t just going to create strife in the chat a-xian??

wei-wuxian: has to be done shijie

jiang-yanli: I’m not sure it does??

wen-qing: I love my brother but he’s way too nice to say no to joining a pyramid scheme so that’s my answer

wen-ning: how are you supposed to say no when they ask so nicely?

wen-qing: Oh boy

jiang-cheng: Probably @nie-huaisang

nie-huaisang: fair enough bro

wei-wuxian: ok now who’s most likely to START a pyramid scheme

jiang-cheng: Literally you

lan-wangji: Wei Ying would not seek to defraud vulnerable people.

wei-wuxian: lan zhaaaaaaaaaan stop im gonna blush

wei-wuxian: also get wreckt @jiang-cheng

wei-wuxian: ok who’s most likely to secretly be hannah montana

mianmian: without a doubt @nie-huaisang

yunmeng trio

wei-wuxian: aaaaaaaAAAAAhhhhhhHHHHHHH

wei-wuxian: did u see that

wei-wuxian: he doesnt think i would defraud vulnerable people!!!

wei-wuxian: thats a win

jiang-yanli: of course not!! why would he think that?

wei-wuxian: i dont knooooooooow

wei-wuxian: just like

wei-wuxian: yknow

jiang-yanli: at some point we need to unpack your completely unwarranted self-deprecation

wei-wuxian: haha no no lets not do THAT

jiang-cheng: Btw I wasn’t trying to say you would start a pyramid scheme to defraud vulnerable people

jiang-cheng: I think you’d start one to defraud like evil rich people or whatever

jiang-cheng: So

jiang-cheng: That was my point

wei-wuxian: that is an EXCELLENT IDEA

jiang-cheng: UGH that was NOT a suggestion

Chapter Text

the squad

lan-jingyi: GUUUUYS

wen-yuan: Yes?

ouyang-zizhen: sup

jin-ling: What do you want

lan-jingyi: @jin-ling ok first of all you really need to work on your manners

jin-ling: I don’t have time for this

lan-jingyi: second of all

lan-jingyi: guess who’s at a restaurant together RIGHT NOW

wen-yuan: I assume you mean Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian

wen-yuan: They took Jiang Yanli’s suggestion to have lunch?

lan-jingyi: yes they’re at that sushi place on campus

jin-ling: How do you know this

jin-ling: Are you actually stalking them

wen-yuan: I believe we agreed that following them around arbitrarily would be invasive??

lan-jingyi: no no no I am not STALKING them this was just genuine good timing

lan-jingyi: I was coming back from the bookstore and I saw them through the window

lan-jingyi: [1 image attached]

wen-yuan: Why are there plant leaves in the photo?

lan-jingyi: oh yeah i’m hiding behind a plant in the restaurant

lan-jingyi: yknow, so they don’t see me

jin-ling: Why are you not just sitting at a table like a normal person does in a restaurant

lan-jingyi: oh huh

lan-jingyi: didnt think of that

lan-jingyi: well it’s too late now

lan-jingyi: I can’t hear them from here but look how cute!!

lan-jingyi: [1 image attached]

jin-ling: Wait

jin-ling: That woman in the background wearing sunglasses

jin-ling: I swear that looks like Jiang Yanli

despairing bystanders

jiang-yanli: guys this is so cute

jiang-yanli: lan wangji is showing a-xian pictures of his pet rabbits

jiang-yanli: I didn’t even know he had rabbits!!

jiang-cheng: I can’t believe you’re spying on our brother

jiang-cheng: The group chat has corrupted you a-jie

jiang-yanli: not spying!! just making sure everything goes okay!!

lan-xichen: Lan Wangji is talking about his rabbits?

lan-xichen: Interesting. He rarely tells anyone about them

mianmian: omg cuuuute he truuuuuuusts hiiiiiiiim

jiang-yanli: also I’m 90% sure lan jingyi is here hiding behind a plant

jiang-cheng: Has the group chat corrupted EVERYONE

wen-qing: Or GSA just attracts meddlers

nie-huaisang: is the gay agenda just...meddling

mianmian: that sounds right

mianmian: how’s the date going @jiang-yanli have they realized they’re in loooove yet

jiang-yanli: good, I think!

jiang-yanli: wait oh no

jiang-yanli: hm it was going well and then a-xian made his usual joke about being here “for a good time, not a long time”

jiang-yanli: and now lan wangji is...lecturing him, a little bit??

mianmian: like in a sexy professor way or in a judgey way

jiang-yanli: I do not feel qualified to say

nie-huaisang: well that cant be good

nie-huaisang: wei wuxian hates being lectured

nie-huaisang: thats why hes on bad terms with like all of his professors!!

lan-xichen: Oh, Wangji

wen-qing: Why are they both preternaturally incompetent at communicating?

jiang-yanli: they’re both kinda just sitting there now looking displeased

jiang-yanli: omg they almost spotted me so I had to put up my newspaper in front of my face

mianmian: LOL your disguise is a newspaper???

jiang-cheng: A-jie you’ve seen too many movies

jiang-yanli: hey hey hey I also have sunglasses on!!

mianmian: I genuinely cannot conceive of a funnier mental image

jiang-yanli: now they’re just talking about the GSA budget :(

jiang-yanli: I’m not sure I would say this was a successful venture, overall

mianmian: oh well

mianmian: onto the next plan I suppose

wen-qing: Which is what, exactly?

nie-huaisang: hear me out

nie-huaisang: locking them in a closet

mianmian: you really need to stop suggesting that bro

it’s getting gay in here

wei-wuxian: how is everyone doing on this fine day

jiang-yanli: great! a-xuan and I just had a picnic on the lawn <3

wei-wuxian: i would say “cute” but the peacock is involved so i cant say it in good faith

jiang-cheng: Same

jiang-yanli: you guys are silly

jin-zixuan: I didn’t ask for this

wen-ning: my day is good!! @wen-yuan and I are at the library

wei-wuxian: the whaT

wen-qing: The library? Perhaps you’ve walked past it, even though you’ve never been inside

nie-huaisang: no no he’s definitely been in the library at least once before

nie-huaisang: @wei-wuxian remember that time freshman year u replaced @lan-wangji’s textbook with an erotic magazine lmao

wei-wuxian: omg yea!!

wei-wuxian: those were good times werent they lan zhan

lan-wangji: No.

wei-wuxian: come onnnnnn

wei-wuxian: im sure u secretly thought it was funny

lan-wangji: No.

lan-jingyi: haha that’s fun

lan-jingyi: aren’t memories great

lan-jingyi: can’t wait to make some college memz myself

jiang-yanli: and you can! at the GSA party tomorrow!

jiang-yanli: if anyone needs me to resend the email with the details just let me know!!

wei-wuxian: oh that reminds me

wei-wuxian: can someone else buy the alc

wei-wuxian: my card got frozen

jiang-cheng: Tf why

wei-wuxian: i was just trying to rent detective pikachu last night 

wei-wuxian: at the very reasonable hour of 2 a.m.

wei-wuxian: and my bank flagged it as FRAUDULENT activity!! can u believe!

wei-wuxian: thats the last time i try to watch a movie legally amiright

wen-qing: Not sure that’s the takeaway here

jiang-cheng: You are literally never right

mianmian: as always, I have a lot of follow-up questions

mianmian: but I’m gonna refrain from asking

lan-wangji: I can purchase the alcohol.

wei-wuxian: thx ur the best lan zhan!!!

lan-wangji: It is nothing. If the club needs drinks, I can provide them.

wei-wuxian: right haha the club yeah 

wei-wuxian: definitely

wei-wuxian: oh but plz dont buy the cucumber flavored vodka i still have nightmares about it

lan-wangji: Your concern is noted.

the squad

lan-jingyi: this party is gonna be LIT

jin-ling: If you say so

lan-jingyi: bruh

lan-jingyi: alcohol is GREAT for matchmakings I’m sure of it

jin-ling: You’re on your own w this matchmaking stuff tomorrow I’m taking a well-deserved break

lan-jingyi: what are u taking a break from when you contribute literally nothing

lan-jingyi: also is that code for you’re gonna get drunk and follow Jiang Yanli around like a little duckling

jin-ling: Being your roommate is the worst thing that ever happened to me

lan-jingyi: ily too xoxo

jin-ling: UGH

wen-yuan: I think the party will be fun!

wen-yuan: I haven’t actually had alcohol before so hopefully it’s not a disaster

lan-jingyi: personally I cannot wait to see you drunk I just know it’ll be adorable

lan-jingyi: the real question is

lan-jingyi: will Lan Wangji be drinking??? 

lan-jingyi: I Would Like To See It

jin-ling: Ok honestly yea I want to see that too

wen-yuan: I can’t even picture it

lan-jingyi: and what’s drunk Wei Wuxian like???

ouyang-zizhen: not terribly different from sober Wei Wuxian tbh

lan-jingyi: FASCINATING

jin-ling: You are way too invested in these people’s lives

despairing bystanders

mianmian: I have an exam tomorrow but all I can think about is the possibility of drunk lan wangji

nie-huaisang: a rare gift

mianmian: @lan-xichen are you as much of a lightweight as your brother

lan-xichen: I don’t drink, so thankfully I’ll never have to find out

lan-xichen: (But probably. It’s a family trait)

mianmian: god bless the lans

mianmian: will wei wuxian believe anything lan wangji says while drunk? no definitely not he’s way too dense

mianmian: but will I treasure these drunk lan wangji memories forever and recount all of them in my speech at their wedding? absolutely

jiang-yanli: tomorrow will be so fun!

jiang-yanli: but also, I am concerned that one of the freshmen will challenge a-xian to a drinking competition again

jiang-yanli: I can’t take that kind of stress all over again

nie-huaisang: those frosh last year were BOLD

mianmian: yes and they paid for it dearly 

mianmian: I can still vividly picture jin zixun falling into that fountain and thinking it was the ocean

mianmian: embarrassing for him tbh

mianmian: (and deserved. I know we’re all thinking it)

wen-qing: The freshmen this year seem much smarter. And less fucking annoying if you ask me

wen-qing: Also my brother likes them, which is a decent endorsement

jiang-yanli: that’s true! they’re good kids

jiang-yanli: I don’t know the others that well but Jin Ling is so sweet!!

mianmian: yeah they’ll be fiiiiine

jiang-cheng: They will be fine as long as you don’t let Wei Wuxian make jungle juice again

mianmian: still salty about the time you had two cups and did taylor swift karaoke in front of everyone?

jiang-cheng: Don’t you have an exam to be studying for right now?

mianmian: oof touché bro

Chapter Text

wei-wuxian: who is ready 2 PARTY

jiang-yanli: a-xian are YOU ready? have you eaten dinner?

wei-wuxian: ya i had some frosting

jiang-yanli: try again

wei-wuxian: i will...eat dinner

jiang-yanli: that goes for all of you!! make sure you eat a meal and drink some water

jiang-yanli: and don’t feel pressured to drink alcohol tonight! I’m bringing nonalcoholic jello shots

mianmian: @jiang-yanli you’re so Good

jiang-yanli: I just want to make sure everyone has a good night!! 

wen-yuan: [1 image attached]

wen-yuan: We’re at the dining hall right now having dinner!

wei-wuxian: it is illegal how cute our freshmen are this year

wei-wuxian: look at them having a lil family dinner

wei-wuxian: lan zhaaaaan these are our children!!! we’ve raised them so well

lan-wangji: If you say so.

lan-wangji: [1 image attached]

lan-wangji: Here is what I purchased for tonight.

wei-wuxian: aaaahhhhhh u got emperors smile????

lan-wangji: Yes. I remembered that Wei Ying likes it.

wei-wuxian: oh cool haha thanks lan zhan

yunmeng trio

wei-wuxian: aaaaaaAAAAAaaAAhhhHhhhHHHHH

jiang-cheng: Can I help you

wei-wuxian: he bought EMPERORS SMILE bc he REMEMBERED I LIKE IT

wei-wuxian: i feel emotionally compromised

wei-wuxian: is this some kind of psychological warfare tactic

wei-wuxian: to destabilize me so then he’s the sole club president

jiang-cheng: Or he just likes you, dumbass

jiang-yanli: ^^^what a-cheng said but without the dumbass part!!

wei-wuxian: ok lets not get CRAZY

wei-wuxian: he’s just a nice person he would do it for anyone i bet

jiang-cheng: Lan Wangji would not remember my favorite drink and then buy it

wei-wuxian: well yea but thats bc ur the worst

wei-wuxian: lan zhan has better taste in people than that

jiang-cheng: Why do I even talk to you

wei-wuxian: bc im ur favorite brother <3

jiang-cheng: No 

jiang-yanli: if you two are going to act like children I can’t in good conscience serve you alcohol tonight 

wei-wuxian: damn shijie that was cold-blooded

jiang-yanli: ily both <3

despairing bystanders

jiang-yanli: [1 screenshot attached]

jiang-yanli: the name of this group chat has never been so accurate 

wen-qing: Why does he think “psychological warfare” is more likely than reciprocated feelings??

wen-qing: This kid I swear

lan-xichen: I’m sure it goes without saying that Wangji most assuredly would not do that for anyone else 

lan-xichen: I hope you all have a nice time at the party tonight!

mianmian: thanks handsome squidward

lan-xichen: I’m not sure I understand this reference but thank you, I guess?

mianmian: just saying what we’re all thinking

mianmian: you’re so welcome

nie-huaisang: LMAO

jiang-yanli: thank you @lan-xichen! we’re doing a combined party with a few other campus clubs so it’ll be a little chaotic but it should be fun!

lan-xichen: You’ll all keep an eye on Wangji, won’t you? Try to stop him from doing something he’ll regret, if you can

mianmian: ok dad

jiang-yanli: of course we will look after him! 

the squad

lan-jingyi: there’s not like a dress code for these things right?? 

jin-ling: Yeah actually it’s “wear something less stupid than you normally wear” 

lan-jingyi: not sure why you’re saying that as if u don’t unironically wear a snapback sometimes

lan-jingyi: you have no leg to stand on sir

ouyang-zizhen: wei wuxian says his go-to for party clothing is to wear something “comfortable but hot” if that helps

lan-jingyi: thank you it really does not

wen-yuan: I’m sure whatever you wear will be fine! I think the most important thing is having fun with some cool people

lan-jingyi: you are so earnest and nice I don’t know whether to find it cute or disgusting

jin-ling: That we can agree on

wen-yuan: Thank? you?

lan-jingyi: anytime bro

lan-jingyi: now come back to the dorm and help me figure out what to wear

wen-yuan: Okay on my way!

it’s getting gay in here

wei-wuxian: I HAVE EATEN DINNER AND NOW I AM READY TO PARTY

jiang-cheng: Why are you yelling

wei-wuxian: WHY ARE U NOT

jiang-cheng: I’m not going to dignify that with a response 

wen-ning: jiejie and I are making brownies for the pregame!

wei-wuxian: wen ning every time u speak i just want to give u a lil kiss on the forehead

wei-wuxian: so sweet, so pure

wen-ning: hahaha thanks I guess??

wen-qing: Yeah he has that effect on people

wei-wuxian: lan zhan lan zhan lan zhan

lan-wangji: Yes, Wei Ying?

wei-wuxian: do u have a wii

wei-wuxian: i feel like we need to play just dance at this pregame

wei-wuxian: which u r so generously hosting

lan-wangji: I do not. 

wei-wuxian: ok np i have one i just temporarily misplaced it somewhere in the abyss so i may be a wee bit late to the pregame BUT I WILL FIND IT

mianmian: the hero we all deserve

wei-wuxian: u really get me mianmian

lan-xichen > lan-wangji

lan-xichen: Heard there’s a party tonight! 

lan-wangji: Yes.

lan-xichen: And you’re hosting the pregame?

lan-wangji: Yes.

lan-xichen: Interesting. I could’ve sworn you said you would never host another such event

lan-wangji: Wei Ying asked me to. It would be impolite to decline when I have the space. 

lan-xichen: Oh, well of course, if Wei Ying asked…

lan-wangji: Do you need something?

lan-xichen: Can’t I just take interest in my little brother’s life?

lan-wangji: I would prefer you didn’t. I can tell you’re smirking right now.

lan-xichen: Have a good night Wangji ;)

despairing bystanders

mianmian: for those of you who didn’t get to witness it

mianmian: allow me to set the scene

mianmian: I pour myself a shot of vodka. I ask lan wangji if he would like one. he politely declines

mianmian: wei wuxian enters. lan wangji takes one look at wei wuxian and the crop top he’s wearing and TAKES THE SHOT OUT OF MY HAND AND DOWNS IT

mianmian: pure, cinematic poetry

mianmian: I wish I could’ve videotaped it

mianmian: remind me to do a dramatic reenactment later

mianmian: thank you all for your time

nie-huaisang: lan wangji is not lying facedown on the floor rn so i assume his tolerance has improved? 

mianmian: yes but also I gave him a cup of water and he tried to pour it on his head so

mianmian: oh btw if he asks you about roosters just tell him we'll help him find some later

the squad

lan-jingyi: where did u guys go?

lan-jingyi: there are so many ppl here I lost sight of you

wen-yuan: In the corner by the drinks table!!!

wen-yuan: There is a dartboard on the wall and Wei Wuxian is throwing darts blindfolded!!!!!

ouyang-zizhen: yea he’s skcool

ouyang-zizhen: so cool

lan-jingyi: ok omw I need another drink anyway

yunmeng trio

wei-wuxian: one of the frosh is defective

wei-wuxian: he won’t stop talking about how @jiang-cheng is “the coolest”

wei-wuxian: i’m not drunk enough for this kind of nonsense

jiang-cheng: Whcih one

wei-wuxian: ur mini-me jin ling

jiang-cheng: Oh ymggod I lovejtjstkid

wei-wuxian: ok stay where u r im bringing u some water since u clearly need some supervision

wei-wuxian: i can’t believe i have to be the responsible one tonight 

wei-wuxian: @jiang-yanli have u seen lan zhan btw? i feel like i haven’t seen him all night

jiang-yanli: I think he’s with mianmian? 

wei-wuxian: oooooohhhhhh interesting do u think he likes her

jiang-yanli: what?? a-xian he’s gay 

wei-wuxian: oh yea lmao i forgot

jiang-yanli: he’s drunk I think so mianmian is making sure he’s okay

wei-wuxian: oooooomg lan zhan is drunk and no one told me?!?!?!

wei-wuxian: I LOVE DRUNK LAN ZHAN

wei-wuxian: i gotta go find him can u watch this loser

jiang-yanli: he’s not a loser he’s our wonderful brother! but yes I see you guys

the squad

lan-jingyi: [1 image attached]

lan-jingyi: yo I just woke up and this is in my camera roll from last night look who’s in the background of this pic!! 

lan-jingyi: IS LAN WANGJI STROKING WEI WUXIAN’S HAIR WHAT AM I WITNESSING

jin-ling: Please shut up I feel like I’m going to die

lan-jingyi: well whose fault is that for mixing tequila and vodka together last night

jin-ling: You did that too!!

lan-jingyi: yes but I just have better genes

jin-ling: I’m going back to sleep

lan-jingyi: BUT THE HAIR STROKING WE HAVE TO DISCUSS

Chapter Text

wei-wuxian > lan-wangji

wei-wuxian: lan zhan r u alive

lan-wangji: Yes.

wei-wuxian: ooohhhhhh ok good just wanted to make sure after last night lol

wei-wuxian: did u get the advil and water i left

lan-wangji: Yes, thank you. 

lan-wangji: And thank you for ensuring I got home safely. I apologize for being in such a state. 

wei-wuxian: nope nope nope no apologies necessary!!!

wei-wuxian: ur drunk self is too adorable for u to apologize for it

lan-wangji: Did anything happen last night I should know about? I admit there are some gaps in memory.

wei-wuxian: GASP

wei-wuxian: u mean u FORGOT the most important conversation we’ve ever had?!?!?!

lan-wangji: What conversation?

wei-wuxian: when u revealed to me that u like...........

wei-wuxian: ...............RABBITS

wei-wuxian: as if i didn’t already know!! i obviously remember the pictures u showed me of ur lil pet bunnies 

wei-wuxian: but drunk lan zhan said it as such a dramatic reveal hahaha it was incredible

lan-wangji: I see. Is there anything else?

wei-wuxian: haha no not really

wei-wuxian: im glad ur alive tho i hope ur hangover isn’t too bad

lan-wangji: The Advil you put on my nightstand helped. Thank you.

wei-wuxian: lol yea np that’s what co-presidents r 4 amiright!

lan-wangji: If you say so.

yunmeng trio

wei-wuxian: IM GOING TO DIE

jiang-cheng: You better not or I’ll make your afterlife miserable

jiang-cheng: Also shut up it’s too early for your shenanigans

wei-wuxian: first of all it’s NEVER too early for those

wei-wuxian: second of all ur fine just drink some water 

wei-wuxian: anyway enough about u

jiang-yanli: a-xian what’s wrong?

wei-wuxian: drunk lan zhan is going to kill me

wei-wuxian: he’s already like the hottest person ive ever seen in my life 

wei-wuxian: he cant also be the CUTEST

wei-wuxian: god could not possibly have intended for one person to be this powerful

jiang-yanli: aw this is sweet

wei-wuxian: NO it’s TERRIBLE

jiang-yanli: why!!!

wei-wuxian: BC HE DOESN’T REMEMBER LAST NIGHT

jiang-yanli: you still haven’t explained what happened last night!!

jiang-yanli: I didn’t see you guys I had to take a-cheng home

jiang-cheng: Oh yeah thanks for that a-jie 

jiang-cheng: You’re the best

jiang-yanli: <3

wei-wuxian: nothing HAPPENED

wei-wuxian: just like

wei-wuxian: idk i thought we were kinda getting along

wei-wuxian: we were just like sitting and talking and for once we weren’t fighting or anything

wei-wuxian: and maybe i was just like misinterpreting it but it felt really,,.,,..,.,.intimate????

wei-wuxian: uuuuuuuugggggghhhhhhhhhh intimacy gross

jiang-yanli: no not gross!!

jiang-cheng: I mean, a little gross

wei-wuxian: shijie he was playing with my hair

wei-wuxian: and now he doesnt even remember

wei-wuxian: im literally going to die

jiang-yanli: you didn’t tell him?

wei-wuxian: no wtf would i even say??

wei-wuxian: “hey lan zhan sorry to bother u just wanted to let u know that im obsessed with u and for a second there ur drunk self gave me false hope so now i will actually be obsessed with u forever”

jiang-yanli: I don’t know why you’re just assuming it is false hope!

jiang-yanli: don’t they say drunk actions are sober thoughts!!

wei-wuxian: webmd says to take that w a grain of salt

jiang-yanli: webmd also said you had a brain tumor the last time you had a headache

wei-wuxian: technically we have no proof that isnt true

wei-wuxian: haha anyway

wei-wuxian: lets move on

wei-wuxian: what dumb shit did @jiang-cheng do when he was drunk

lan-xichen > lan-wangji

lan-xichen: How was your night?

lan-wangji: I...don’t know.

lan-xichen: You don’t know?

lan-wangji: I was quite drunk. Wei Ying says we talked.

lan-xichen: Talked?

lan-wangji: Yes. About rabbits, according to him. I am concerned I may have overstepped my bounds, but I do not remember much of the end of the night.

lan-xichen: Overstepped? How so?

lan-wangji: Are you going to just repeat everything I say?

lan-wangji: I do not want Wei Ying to feel burdened by my...feelings, for him. 

lan-xichen: Why do you assume he would feel burdened if he knew?

lan-wangji: Presumably if I revealed anything last night and he felt similarly, he would have told me today.

lan-xichen: I see. Well, maybe you really did just talk about rabbits

lan-wangji: Mn. 

lan-xichen: How are your fur babies doing?

lan-wangji: They are not babies. They are fully grown. And they are well.

the squad

wen-yuan: Oh sorry @lan-jingyi I just saw your messages from earlier

wen-yuan: That picture is pretty wild because I know Lan Wangji does not like touching people/being touched

lan-jingyi: weeeeeelllllllllll clearly there is an exception to that rule

lan-jingyi: we have photographic evidence!!

wen-yuan: Yes speaking of that photo why do we all look like that??

lan-jingyi: alcohol

wen-yuan: But where did we get the seashell bras?

lan-jingyi: that’s an interesting question to which idk the answer

ouyang-zizhen: good morning guys!!

wen-yuan: It’s 1 p.m.

ouyang-zizhen: oh huh

jin-ling: I don’t even remember seeing Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji together last night

jin-ling: I think I was hanging out with Jiang Yanli and Jiang Cheng for a bit??

lan-jingyi: oh right bc they're ur parents

wen-yuan: I saw Lan Wangji with Mianmian for some of the night I think

wen-yuan: But then things get a little hazy

lan-jingyi: I really meant to do more reconnaissance last night

lan-jingyi: but then the beer pong happened

lan-jingyi: Wen Qing is SCARY good at that game

ouyang-zizhen: wen ning was on my team and he does not share her ability, sadly

ouyang-zizhen: we got destroyed

lan-jingyi: ok but the HAIR STROKING

lan-jingyi: WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN

wen-yuan: Lan Wangji is an affectionate drunk?

ouyang-zizhen: wei wuxian has soft hair?

jin-ling: Maybe they finally got their shit together

lan-jingyi: hmmmmmmm there’s just no way 2 know

lan-jingyi: @jin-ling text ur mom and ask

jin-ling: I am not texting Jiang Yanli to ask about her brother’s love life

lan-jingyi: I’m beginning to get the impression that you’re not committed to the matchmaking mission!!

jin-ling: Yeah good catch

despairing bystanders

mianmian: guys I don’t want to get our hopes up but I think we made some progress last night!!

jiang-yanli: uhhhhh

lan-xichen: Yeah, about that

mianmian: oh my god what have those idiots done now!!!

mianmian: when I left them last night they were BONDING

jiang-yanli: [5 screenshots attached]

lan-xichen: [2 screenshots attached]

nie-huaisang: yikes

mianmian: I’m going to pass away

wen-qing: It’s amazing how two otherwise fairly competent people can be so utterly disastrous and stupid

jiang-cheng: Since when is wei wuxian “fairly competent”

wen-qing: Yeah as soon as I said it I vividly remembered him getting stuck in that tree and regretted my words

mianmian: I cannot BELIEVE this

jiang-yanli: a-xian is just...being difficult

jiang-cheng: I’ll say

mianmian: okay well back to square one

mianmian: how do we get Lan Wangji to take Wei Wuxian more seriously??

lan-xichen: Is Wei Wuxian any good with kids?

jiang-yanli: yes he’s amazing w them!

wen-qing: Yeah he actually is

lan-xichen: Wangji probably wouldn’t admit it, but he loves kids

lan-xichen: Perhaps we could plan some kind of club event involving children?

mianmian: at this point I’m super on board with just locking them in a closet and leaving them there, maybe forever

mianmian: but I guess that would work too

jiang-yanli: okay! I’ll pitch some ideas to our dear presidents

jiang-yanli: there’s no way they’ll say no to me!!

mianmian: oh are the freshman alive should we check on them

it’s getting gay in here

mianmian: hey little freshies did you survive the night

wen-yuan: Yes! Last night was fun

ouyang-zizhen: lol yes ty!

lan-jingyi: jury’s still out on @jin-ling but no huge loss there

jin-ling: Please never speak to me again @lan-jingyi

wei-wuxian: yayyyyy u guys made it

wen-yuan: @wei-wuxian I meant to ask you last night: how are you so good at darts?

wei-wuxian: thank u for ur deeply important question. the answer is i am extremely naturally gifted

jiang-cheng: The only thing you’re naturally gifted at is being a pain in the ass

wei-wuxian: that doesnt sound right to me

wei-wuxian: are u perhaps bitter bc the last time we played darts u missed and cracked a window

jiang-cheng: That never happened

wei-wuxian: [1 video attached]

wei-wuxian: I beg to differ

jiang-cheng: Are you there, god? It’s me, jiang cheng. What did I do to deserve such a terrible brother

Chapter Text

it’s getting gay in here

wei-wuxian: hey did u guys know “edible glitter” doesnt mean u should just eat a spoonful of it??!!? 

wei-wuxian: it just means u wont die from consuming it 

wei-wuxian: im so DISAPPOINTED

wei-wuxian: this is going in my top 10 anime betrayals

jiang-cheng: Why are you the way that you are

wei-wuxian: excellent genes

jiang-yanli: a-xian why are you eating glitter? do you need me to bring you food?

wei-wuxian: no no i ate some ramen we good

wei-wuxian: i am bored tho

wei-wuxian: let’s vote someone off the metaphorical island

wei-wuxian: who would u all pick and why would it be @jiang-cheng

jiang-cheng: I DIDNT EVEN WANT TO BE IN THIS GROUP CHAT

mianmian: I would vote off @nie-huaisang bc he’s sitting next to me eating a cupcake I know he got for free but he did not alert me to the whereabouts of free cupcakes

nie-huaisang: I told u i don’t know where it’s from!! someone just gave it to me

mianmian: anyway he has to go

jin-zixuan: @wei-wuxian maybe you should pay attention in class right now

wei-wuxian: wtf weird how do u know i’m in class

jin-zixuan: I’m sitting three seats away from you!!

wei-wuxian: no i dont think so

jin-zixuan: This is why Wen Chao hates you

wei-wuxian: no he hates me bc he knows im smarter than him <3

wei-wuxian: also im changing my vote to jin zixuan

jiang-cheng: I would vote @wei-wuxian off the island 

jiang-cheng: I don’t think an explanation is necessary

jin-ling: My vote is @lan-jingyi because every morning I have to wake up to his “call me maybe” alarm

lan-jingyi: you just have no respect for the classics 

lan-jingyi: well I would vote you right back bc you never clean the suite bathroom

wen-qing: This is a tough decision

wen-qing: But @lan-jingyi did teach A-Ning a bunch of TikTok dances that he will now not stop doing 

wen-ning: oh yeah it’s true 

wen-ning: they’re just so fun!!

lan-jingyi: I will not apologize for this

wen-qing: Okay yeah you’re my vote

jiang-yanli: maybe we should vote no one off bc you’re all wonderful!!

wei-wuxian: no no shijie let them continue

wei-wuxian: this is curing my boredom

jiang-cheng: Aren’t you supposed to be in class

wei-wuxian: im supposed to be a lot of things but i live to disappoint <3

nie-huaisang: lol mood

lan-wangji: Wei Ying. You are not a disappointment to anyone.

wei-wuxian: oh haha 

wei-wuxian: cool

wei-wuxian: thanks lan zhan

wei-wuxian: uhhhhhhhh

wei-wuxian: anyway

wei-wuxian: @wen-yuan who are u voting off the island

wen-yuan: Um no one?

wei-wuxian: r u sure

wen-yuan: I like all of you! I don’t want to vote anyone off

wei-wuxian: sincerity? right in front of my salad?

wei-wuxian: kids these days

wei-wuxian: should we vote wen yuan off the island for being too nice

jiang-cheng: Yeah probably 

lan-wangji: No. Wen Yuan is a valuable club member. 

lan-jingyi: wow I wish my TAs liked me that much

jin-ling: They’d like you more if you stopped eating hot cheetos during recitation 

wen-yuan: Thanks @lan-wangji!! 

jin-zixuan: Oh yikes Wen Chao just asked Wei Wuxian to stay behind after class to “chat”

jiang-cheng: That can’t be good

jiang-yanli: did a-xian do something in class?

jin-zixuan: Oh yeah he called Wen Chao incompetent and “unfit to teach”

jin-zixuan: And then he implied Wen Chao only got this job because of nepotism

jin-zixuan: Which to be fair does have quite a lot of truth to it

jin-zixuan: But as you can imagine it didn’t go over too well

jiang-cheng: Wtf couldn’t he just have saved all that for his ratemyprofessor review

wei-wuxian: UMMMM LOL

wei-wuxian: i know wen chao didnt just THREATEN GSA’S FUNDING?

lan-wangji: What?

wei-wuxian: he says he knows someone on the committee or whatevr and he can make my life miserable if he wants to

jiang-yanli: you have to report this to the dean!!

wei-wuxian: absolutely not the dean h8s me too

nie-huaisang: oh yeah i can confirm that

nie-huaisang: he has a tense relationship with most of the administration i would say

wei-wuxian: ill just have to handle this myself

wei-wuxian: anyone wanna help me egg wen chao’s house

lan-wangji: Wei Ying, do not do anything that will get you in more trouble.

lan-wangji: Or the club. 

wei-wuxian: i mean obviously i don’t want to jeopardize the club’s funding

wei-wuxian: but we cant just let him get away w being a bully and a terrible professor!!

wei-wuxian: he picks on so many students hes the woooooooorst

wei-wuxian: someone has to do smth!!

lan-wangji: Do not egg his house.

wei-wuxian: oh my god okaaaayyyyy fiiiiiiine

wei-wuxian: i hope u appreci8 my restraint lan zhan

despairing bystanders

mianmian: so how’s the event planning going

jiang-yanli: good!! we should be set for this weekend

jiang-yanli: I’ll send out an email soon to all the members w deets!

mianmian: wow you’re so efficient

jiang-yanli: lan wangji has a lot of contacts so that made it easy! 

jiang-yanli: it’ll be really cool we’re going to do some ~mentoring~

wen-qing: I can’t wait to see what sage advice Wei Wuxian has for The Youth™️

wen-qing: He has taught my baby cousin so many swear words

jiang-yanli: hm well he will be on his best behavior this weekend! I hope!

mianmian: should we be concerned about the Wen Chao situation?

jiang-cheng: Probably

lan-xichen: What is the Wen Chao situation?

mianmian: oh boy let us fill you in

lan-wangji > wei-wuxian

lan-wangji: I was being serious in the group chat. Do not do anything to make the situation worse. 

wei-wuxian: o ye of little faith

wei-wuxian: why do u just ASSUME im gonna make the situation worse

lan-wangji: Because you have proven to lack any sense of self-preservation. 

wei-wuxian: hm i feel way too seen rn

lan-wangji: Wei Ying.

wei-wuxian: what abt just a lil bit of petty revenge! 

wei-wuxian: can i sign him up for scientology emails

lan-wangji: No.

wei-wuxian: put his house on craigslist?

lan-wangji: No. 

wei-wuxian: put hair removal stuff in his shampoo?

lan-wangji: No. 

wei-wuxian: are we sure egging his house is really off the table?

lan-wangji: Yes.

wei-wuxian: yes i can do it?

lan-wangji: No.

wei-wuxian: damn u run a tight ship

lan-wangji: Set a good example for the freshmen.

wei-wuxian: ew gross i don’t want to be a ROLE MODEL

lan-wangji: Wei Ying.

wei-wuxian: fine fine fine

lan-wangji: I do not want anything to happen to you.

lan-wangji: Or the club. 

wei-wuxian: oh right right yeah definitely

the squad

lan-jingyi: do you ever feel like this matchmaking situation may be a little above our paygrade

jin-ling: What tipped u off

jin-ling: Was it the fact that you’ve accomplished nothing other than being a stalker 

lan-jingyi: ummm it was just some necessary, MILD stalking 

lan-jingyi: don’t worry about it

lan-jingyi: anyway I’ve been doing some research

jin-ling: He’s been reading romance novels

lan-jingyi: some of them have really intricate plots and well-developed characters!!

ouyang-zizhen: I hear u bro

lan-jingyi: ANYWAY I think a crucial component we need to tap into is JEALOUSY

lan-jingyi: we simply need to make Lan Wangji jealous

wen-yuan: How would we even do that??

lan-jingyi: look I can’t be expected to come up with ALL of the plans

jin-ling: Well can you come up with any of them

lan-jingyi: we don’t have time for this we have romantic meddling to plan!!

Chapter Text

it’s getting gay in here

nie-huaisang: guuuuys

nie-huaisang: the WORST thing just happened

jiang-yanli: is everything okay?

wen-qing: I can’t believe for once it’s not @wei-wuxian having a crisis

nie-huaisang: NO it’s a disaster

nie-huaisang: i accidentally sent an email to my prof saying “so true bestie”

jiang-cheng: How do you do that by accident

nie-huaisang: i don’t knooooooow

nie-huaisang: i didn’t mean to i just wasn’t thinking about it

mianmian: LMAO

mianmian: what an L

wei-wuxian: oh my god thats the best thing ive ever heard

wei-wuxian: if i were u i wouldve done it on purpose

nie-huaisang: do i...send another email explaining

nie-huaisang: or just...pretend i do not see??

wen-qing: I feel like you should just leave it and hope they don’t notice

nie-huaisang: ok yea yea yea cool

mianmian: gotta say I know this wasn’t the intention but this chat makes me feel so good about my own life 

wei-wuxian: im happy to provide this service for u

nie-huaisang: i’m not sure i am but youre welcome i guess?

nie-huaisang: what if my brother finds out about this!!

wei-wuxian: how would he find out

wei-wuxian: does he read ur emails

nie-huaisang: i hope not!!!

nie-huaisang: idk he just has connections! 

wen-qing: I would hope Nie Mingjue has better things to do than worry about you calling your professor “bestie”

nie-huaisang: well yea when u put it like that

nie-huaisang: OH NO HE’S CALLING ME

wei-wuxian: lmao godspeed dude

wei-wuxian: if my brother called me i would simply not pick up

jiang-cheng: You know I’m in this chat right

wei-wuxian: who r u again??

jiang-cheng: Wei Wuxian I swear to god

wei-wuxian: dont be mad! ur still my second favorite sibling <3

jiang-cheng: YOU ONLY HAVE TWO

jiang-yanli: hush both of you

wei-wuxian: anything for u, favorite sibling!!

the squad

lan-jingyi: ok we’ve hit a slight snag with Operation Jealousy

jin-ling: Just one?

wen-yuan: What is it?

lan-jingyi: well it’s the fact that we don’t know how to make Lan Wangji jealous

lan-jingyi: @wen-yuan what if you just tell him you have a crush on Wei Wuxian

wen-yuan: He’s not going to be jealous of ME

wen-yuan: Also I absolutely do not want to and will not do that

lan-jingyi: ok fair enough

lan-jingyi: well we’ve hit kind of a dead end havent we

ouyang-zizhen: we could set wei wuxian up on a date with someone??

jin-ling: How would we find someone willing to go on a date with him

ouyang-zizhen: well we could set up a dating profile for him

lan-jingyi: wow what a GREAT idea

lan-jingyi: let’s do that

wen-yuan: Is that not…catfishing?

lan-jingyi: but it’s catfishing for the greater good! 

jin-ling: “Your honor, I know I murdered this person, but it was for the greater good”

lan-jingyi: that sounds like a good legal defense to me

jin-ling: I really hope you’re not planning on being pre-law

it’s getting gay in here

nie-huaisang: phew don’t worry guys my brother just wanted to make sure im on track to graduate 

jiang-cheng: Well are you?

nie-huaisang: uhhhhhh idk

nie-huaisang: once i figure out my major i’ll def be on track!

jin-ling: Aren’t you a senior?

nie-huaisang: yep!

jin-ling: Ok then 

wei-wuxian: guys i had a dream last night that i was helping harry styles grow a plant

wei-wuxian: but irl all my plants r dead

wei-wuxian: do u think my subconscious doesn’t know should i tell him

jiang-yanli: all of them?? even the succulent I just gave you? :(

wei-wuxian: yes rip suibian 2021-2021

wei-wuxian: gone but never forgotten

mianmian: omg sad

mianmian: did you water her??

wei-wuxian: yes!!

wei-wuxian: well no

wei-wuxian: but i meant to for sure

mianmian: hm

ouyang-zizhen > wei-wuxian

ouyang-zizhen: hey!!

ouyang-zizhen: what would u say your hobbies and interests are

ouyang-zizhen: also what are u looking for in a romantic partner???

wei-wuxian: u know, when my brother told me i should set clearer boundaries w the kids on my floor, i maybe shouldve listened to him

wei-wuxian: what r u plotting

ouyang-zizhen: who, me???

ouyang-zizhen: nothing!!

ouyang-zizhen: it’s just a school project!!

wei-wuxian: i don’t believe u at all

wei-wuxian: my only hobby is instilling fear in the hearts of suspicious freshmen

ouyang-zizhen: riiiiiiight right right 

ouyang-zizhen: would you say another hobby is killing plants?

wei-wuxian: UM

wei-wuxian: I DID NOT RAISE U TO TURN AROUND AND ROAST ME

ouyang-zizhen: so for a romantic partner you're looking for someone who will not constantly roast u?

wei-wuxian: MAYBE

wei-wuxian: I DONT KNOW

wei-wuxian: WHY DO U WANT TO KNOW

ouyang-zizhen: uhhhhh just academic reasons

ouyang-zizhen: im very scholarly

wei-wuxian: i know for a fact that ur watching ice age in the common room rn instead of studying for ur test tomorrow

ouyang-zizhen: :(

the squad

ouyang-zizhen: [2 screenshots attached]

ouyang-zizhen: mission not super successful

lan-jingyi: ok we can work with this

lan-jingyi: here is the bio I have so far for his profile: “Fun-loving Scorpio seeks life companion”

wen-yuan: That’s...very interesting

jin-ling: I just want you to know 

jin-ling: Every day you reach actually unfathomable levels of bad

lan-jingyi: what’s wrong with it!

ouyang-zizhen: well it makes wei wuxian sound about 80 years old

wen-yuan: Is it relevant that he’s a Scorpio?

lan-jingyi: idk probably!!

jin-ling: How do you even know his zodiac sign

lan-jingyi: catfishing requires RESEARCH

wen-yuan: Can we not refer to it as catfishing?? I don’t want to feel like an accomplice

lan-jingyi: ok from now on we will call it “dogbirding”

lan-jingyi: just kidding Operation Jealousy it is

wen-yuan: Okay well I think we need to keep workshopping the bio

wen-yuan: Oh! Also! I told Wen Ning what we’re up to and he wants to help

lan-jingyi: great you should add him

lan-jingyi: maybe he will be more accepting of my good ideas

jin-ling: If you ever have a good idea maybe I’ll consider accepting it

wen-yuan added wen-ning to the chat.

wen-ning: hi guys!

wen-ning: this is cool I hope it works

wen-ning: wei wuxian’s pining for lan wangji has been driving my sister crazy for years

lan-jingyi: WELCOME to this elite league of matchmakers

jin-ling: I wouldn’t say that description is accurate

wen-ning: is there anything I can do to help??

lan-jingyi: yea do you have any experience with dating app bios

lan-wangji > wei-wuxian

lan-wangji: How is the Wen Chao situation?

wei-wuxian: uhhhhhhh

wei-wuxian: it’s great!

lan-wangji: Wei Ying.

wei-wuxian: yes lan zhan?

lan-wangji: What did you do?

wei-wuxian: ok i actually didn’t do anything

wei-wuxian: BUT

wei-wuxian: it sort of belatedly occurred to me that wen chao has control over my grades??

wei-wuxian: one of which i got back today, in the form of an essay

wei-wuxian: and it was,,,,,,, unfortunate

lan-wangji: Did you follow the assignment instructions?

wei-wuxian: yes!!

wei-wuxian: i may be a “generally” “bad” “student” but i know how to write a good essay

wei-wuxian: buuuuuuuut essay-grading is super subjective so that suuuuuucks for me

lan-wangji: You said you need this class to graduate.

wei-wuxian: yea haha i hope it’s offered next semester otherwise im in a wee bit of trouble

lan-wangji: OK. I will look into it.

wei-wuxian: wait hold on

wei-wuxian: what does that mean

wei-wuxian: what are u going to do??

Chapter Text

lan-wangji added jin-zixuan, wen-qing, and nie-huaisang to Urgent Matter.

lan-wangji: I need your help with something, if you are willing. 

lan-wangji > lan-xichen

lan-wangji: May I come over for dinner tonight? I need to discuss something with you.

lan-xichen: Absolutely. You know you can talk to me about anything!

lan-wangji: Mn.

wei-wuxian > lan-wangji

wei-wuxian: lan zhaaaaaaaan u can’t ignore me forever

lan-wangji: I would never ignore you.

wei-wuxian: i have so much anecdotal evidence to dispute that statement u liar

wei-wuxian: what about that time i got us both in trouble for being “disruptive” in fresh seminar

wei-wuxian: u didnt talk to me for like,,,, soooooooo long

lan-wangji: I would never ignore you, now.

wei-wuxian: ye i guess that would make co-presidenting difficult haha

lan-wangji: Indeed.

wei-wuxian: so now ur gonna tell me what “looking into it” means?????

lan-wangji: Nothing you need to worry about.

wei-wuxian: uhhhhhhhh

wei-wuxian: that sounds like what someone doing smth i need to worry about would say

lan-wangji: I would not do anything that would jeopardize you.

wei-wuxian: dude im not worried abt ME

lan-wangji: Everything will be fine. I will see you at the mentorship event later.

despairing bystanders

mianmian: hello, comrades

mianmian: if today’s event gets them no closer to confessing their undying love, you all know what we have to do

nie-huaisang: lock them in a closet?

mianmian: LOCK THEM IN A CLOSET

jiang-yanli: no no we don’t need to do that

jiang-yanli: yet

jiang-yanli: I’ve paired everyone up for today and guess who wei wuxian and lan wangji are working with!!

wen-qing: Well I hope it’s each other or the point of today would be slightly undermined

jiang-yanli: yes!

mianmian: yeeeeee I’m excited to be a Mentor today is going to be so cute

nie-huaisang: personally I feel I am too in need of mentorship to mentor others

nie-huaisang: but I will try my best

jiang-cheng: Whatever advice you give will be better than Wei Wuxian’s. I guarantee it

the squad

lan-jingyi: Wei Wuxian has gotten like SO many responses to his profile

lan-jingyi: dude can get it

ouyang-zizhen: ugh don’t say that he’s like our dad

wen-yuan: Have you talked to any of the people you matched with?

lan-jingyi: yes I’m trying to find someone Wei Wuxian will be horrifically incompatible with

lan-jingyi: we can’t risk setting him up with someone DECENT

jin-ling: How are you vetting them then

jin-ling: Not that I want to be involved in this

lan-jingyi: going with a classic tactic

lan-jingyi: saying “new phone who dis” mid-conversation and gauging their outrage level

lan-jingyi: the more outrage, the better

lan-jingyi: I’ve got some promising contenders 

ouyang-zizhen: oh that’s perfect

wen-ning: that does sound like a good system

lan-jingyi: @ouyang-zizhen I need you to gather more intel from Wei Wuxian tho

jin-ling: You should send it in the group chat tho so Lan Wangji sees

lan-jingyi: oooooooh yeah do that

ouyang-zizhen: o ya ya ok i’m on it

ouyang-zizhen: but next time it’s gotta be @wen-ning 

ouyang-zizhen: wei wuxian literally cant be mad at him

it’s getting gay in here

ouyang-zizhen: @wei-wuxian are u more of a dinner/movie kinda guy or like mini golf or something

ouyang-zizhen: hypothetically, but also in the context of a very real blind date

ouyang-zizhen: ope didn’t mean to send that in the chat haha sorry

ouyang-zizhen: but ???

wei-wuxian: SIR

wei-wuxian: someone help me the children are out of control

jiang-cheng: He’s banned from the mini golf place

jiang-cheng: Last time we went there he hit a ball into the water

wen-yuan: That seems fairly par for the course?

lan-jingyi: not you with the GOLF PUNS @wen-yuan

jiang-cheng: Yeah and then he stripped down to his underwear and dove in after the ball

wen-yuan: Ah I see

ouyang-zizhen: that kinda thing could go over well on a date, you never know

wei-wuxian: that was ONE TIME

wei-wuxian: also WHAT R U UP TO

wei-wuxian: why is everyone SCHEMING these days

wei-wuxian: what do u mean a BLIND DATE ru setting me up??????

ouyang-zizhen: i’m just gonna write down “dinner/movie” for now

wei-wuxian: OUYANG ZIZHEN

ouyang-zizhen: i’ll be in touch soon with more information

wei-wuxian: i mean okay??????? who is this date with tho??

jiang-cheng: Just saying this probably wouldn’t be happening if you took my advice about boundaries

despairing bystanders

nie-huaisang: are the freshmen trying to sabotage us

jiang-yanli: I didn’t think so!! but I am confused!!!!

jiang-yanli: I’ll ask jin ling he’ll tell me

jiang-yanli > jin-ling

jiang-yanli: do you know what’s going on in the chat? are you guys setting a-xian up on a date??

jin-ling: I want to state for the record that I did not want to be involved in this

jin-ling: But yea lan jingyi is calling it “operation jealousy”

jiang-yanli: oooooooooooh I see

jiang-yanli: jealousy! very interesting

jiang-yanli: please keep me posted!

jin-ling: I will!

jin-ling: The event you planned seems cool, by the way

jin-ling: See you there!

jiang-yanli: thanks!! see you <3

lan-wangji > lan-xichen

lan-wangji: Wei Ying has expressed interest in going on a date with someone else, so evidently he does not reciprocate my feelings.

lan-wangji: So you were wrong.

lan-xichen: I am surprised to hear this

lan-xichen: I’m sorry, Wangji

lan-wangji: It is not important. Let’s not discuss it further. I will see you tonight.

despairing bystanders

lan-xichen: [1 screenshot attached]

lan-xichen: What on earth is going on?

jiang-yanli: oh no

mianmian: [3 screenshots attached]

mianmian: here’s what just went down in the gc

jiang-yanli: [1 screenshot attached]

jiang-yanli: this is what jin ling said!

mianmian: oooooooooh INTRIGUING

mianmian: also, very dumb and has already backfired!

mianmian: where exactly did Lan Wangji get that Wei Wuxian “expressed interest” in this date

mianmian: he is a SMART MAN where are his BRAINCELLS

lan-xichen: Having a better understanding of the situation, I too am perplexed. I will try to talk with Wangji about it tonight, but I’m not sure how well it will go

mianmian: why can’t things ever just go SMOOTHLY

jiang-cheng: Because we’re dealing with idiots

nie-huaisang: idk bro

nie-huaisang: i need to go mentally prepare to interact with children

it’s getting gay in here

jiang-yanli: how did it go for everyone!!

wei-wuxian: gr8 i dispensed a ton of wisdom

jiang-cheng: I literally heard you tell a child they should beat people up now while they’re young and more likely to get away with it

wei-wuxian: as i said, wisdom

lan-wangji: Yes, we had to have a discussion about that. But Wei Ying gave lots of helpful advice as well. 

lan-wangji: He is very good with young people. 

wei-wuxian: o

wei-wuxian: thanks lan zhan

wei-wuxian: im not sure i’d go that far haha but

wei-wuxian: i just wanted to tell them what i would’ve wanted to hear at their age

wei-wuxian: lol anyway

wei-wuxian: those kids r gonna have so much swag now

mianmian: the word “swag” really took me back to 2010

mianmian: please, no more

wei-wuxian: @jiang-cheng wbu did u make any kids cry

jiang-cheng: Fuck off

jiang-yanli: no he didn’t a-cheng was great!

wei-wuxian: hmmmm idk im unconvinced

despairing bystanders

mianmian: ok did everyone see the extremely intense heart eyes Lan Wangji was giving Wei Wuxian that WHOLE TIME

jiang-yanli: omg yes!! a-xian is so charming and really very sweet around children so I am not surprised

jiang-cheng: I just feel like we did not attend the same event

jiang-cheng: He threatened to plant a child in the ground

jiang-cheng: Like a turnip

wen-qing: Yeah that was pretty cute

jiang-cheng: UGH

nie-huaisang: what r we gonna do abt the whole “operation jealousy” sitch tho

jiang-yanli: ignore it and hope they don’t make things worse??

mianmian: works for me

mianmian: clearly none of @jiang-yanli’s masterful attempts are working

mianmian: maybe a stupid plan is the only thing that will work on these stupid people in love 

Chapter Text

yunmeng trio

wei-wuxian: help these freshmen r so set on setting me up on a date

wei-wuxian: how do i get out of it!!

jiang-yanli: well…they can’t set you up if you’re dating someone!

wei-wuxian: u think i should ask lan zhan to fake date me??

jiang-yanli: no!! I think you should ask him to real date you!!!

jiang-cheng: Jesus fucking christ

wei-wuxian > lan-wangji

wei-wuxian: lan zhan can u do me a favor 

lan-wangji: What do you need?

wei-wuxian: wanna fake-date me so the frosh stop trying to set me up 

lan-wangji: I do not think that is a good idea. 

wei-wuxian: haha yea fair enough

wei-wuxian: should i fake my death instead

lan-wangji: No. 

wei-wuxian: damn ur really limiting my options here 

yunmeng trio

wei-wuxian: he doesn’t want to date me i just asked 

jiang-yanli: ?!?!?! 

jiang-yanli: tell me exactly what he said

wei-wuxian: [1 screenshot attached]

jiang-yanli: A-XIAN

jiang-yanli: he said he doesn’t want to FAKE date you

wei-wuxian: yeah and by extrapolation he also doesn’t want to real date me

jiang-cheng: That is definitely not how extrapolation works

lan-wangji > lan-xichen

lan-wangji: Please disregard a previous message regarding Wei Ying dating. 

lan-xichen: Oh?

lan-wangji: It is possible I jumped to conclusions. 

lan-xichen: Oh!

lan-wangji: But he evidently still has no desire to pursue a relationship with me, so that’s the end of this.

lan-xichen: Oh

it’s getting gay in here

wen-ning: Wei Wuxian are you free tonight?? for a thing? date? situation?

wen-ning: omg oops didn’t mean to send that in the group chat!!

jiang-cheng: Has everyone just forgotten how DMs work

wei-wuxian: uhhhhhh

wei-wuxian: am i “free”????

wei-wuxian: really depends on ur definition of the word

lan-wangji: Wei Ying is not available tonight. We have club business to attend to.

wei-wuxian: ohhhhhhh yeahhhhhh

wei-wuxian: yea what lan zhan said

wen-ning: what about tomorrow!!

lan-wangji: We will be very busy this week with work for the club.

wen-ning: hm ok ok

wei-wuxian > lan-wangji

wei-wuxian: thank u for ur charity kind sir

lan-wangji: It was nothing. We do have some club stuff we need to do.

wei-wuxian: oooooohhh right cool yeah cool

the squad

lan-jingyi: UMMMMM

lan-jingyi: are we geniuses or WHAT

lan-jingyi: it’s working right!!! lan wangji is def jealous

jin-ling: I hate to agree with you

lan-jingyi: ...but?

jin-ling: No that’s all

jin-ling: I just hate to agree with you

wen-yuan: It does seem kind of promising!

ouyang-zizhen: !!!!!!!!!!!!!

wen-ning: yeah and it’s probably for the best if we don’t actually have to go through with the catfishing

despairing bystanders

mianmian: is the freshmen’s plan ACTUALLY working???? 

lan-xichen: [1 screenshot attached]

lan-xichen: No

jiang-yanli: [1 screenshot attached]

jiang-yanli: no!!!

mianmian: godDAMN

mianmian: ok I give up they’re on their own goodbye world

nie-huaisang: oh ok thats for the best bc i kinda did a thing

jiang-yanli: what did you do??

it’s getting gay in here

wei-wuxian: HELP

jiang-yanli: ?????

wei-wuxian: IS ANYONE NEAR THE STUDENT CENTER

nie-huaisang: no

wei-wuxian: NIE HUAISANG IS THIS UR DOING SOMEHOW

jiang-cheng: Tf is happening here

nie-huaisang: idk what hes talking about tbh

wei-wuxian: WE R TRAPPED IN THE ELEVATOR

jiang-yanli: “we”??

wei-wuxian: ME AND LAN ZHAN

lan-wangji: Help would be appreciated.

jiang-yanli: omg a-xian I’m on my way but I’m off campus with a-xuan so it’ll take a while!

jiang-cheng: I’m busy not helping you

mianmian: I’m deathly ill

wen-qing: I’m at work, so

wei-wuxian: hello??????? 

wei-wuxian: are we even FRIENDS

wei-wuxian: is this some kind of REVENGE PLOT

wei-wuxian: what did lan zhan do?!?!?! he’s an angel

wei-wuxian: NIE HUAISANG HOW DID U BREAK THE ELEVATOR 

nie-huaisang: bro wha

nie-huaisang: im barely passing robotics how would i manipulate an elevator

mianmian: literally since when are u in robotics

nie-huaisang: i’m a man of mystery

wei-wuxian: the real mystery here is why ur in the student center rn and not HELPING US

nie-huaisang: i called maintenance they said they’ll be there soon 

despairing bystanders 

mianmian: did you actually call maintenance

nie-huaisang: nah lol

mianmian: DIABOLICAL

lan-xichen: Should I be concerned that Wangji is texting me he’s trapped in an elevator?

mianmian: no definitely not

nie-huaisang: nah

jiang-yanli: noooo

lan-xichen: OK then 

lan-xichen: Should I help him get out?

mianmian: I don’t think so

jiang-yanli: maybe not immediately!

nie-huaisang: nah

the squad

wen-yuan: Should we offer to help them get out of the elevator somehow??

lan-jingyi: absolutely not are u insane

lan-jingyi: this was some kind of intervention by fate

lan-jingyi: or nie huaisang?

ouyang-zizhen: bet

yunmeng trio

wei-wuxian: GUYS HELP ME

wei-wuxian: I CANT HANDLE BEING IN SUCH PROXIMITY TO LAN ZHAN

jiang-yanli: you could take this opportunity to confess your feelings!

wei-wuxian: are you INSANE

wei-wuxian: absolutely NOT

wei-wuxian: my dumb feelings are coming with me to the grave 

wei-wuxian: HES JUST TALKING ABOUT IDEAS FOR CLUB ENGAGEMENT HOW IS HE SO CALM

jiang-yanli: well that won’t do

jiang-yanli: ask him his hopes and dreams or something

wei-wuxian: IM SURE HIS HOPE AND DREAM IS TO GET OUT OF THIS ELEVATOR AND AWAY FROM ME

jiang-cheng: Please turn off caps lock you’re hurting my eyes

jiang-cheng: Oh actually I didn’t mean to say please so just ignore that part

wei-wuxian: I CANT

wei-wuxian: OH GOD LAN ZHAN JUST ASKED ME IF IM OK BC I “SEEM UNWELL”

wei-wuxian: god save me from this hell

despairing bystanders

jiang-yanli: I’m not too sure the elevator plan is working as desired?? 

jiang-yanli: a-xian seems…

jiang-cheng: Deranged

jiang-yanli: I was going to say stressed!! 

wen-qing: Is he claustrophobic or something? 

jiang-yanli: no no I think he’s like…feelings-phobic? 

mianmian: well that explains why this process has been a NIGHTMARE

nie-huaisang: yea i bugged the elevator and wei wuxian has been very feverishly describing his favorite kinds of wine for the last few minutes

mianmian: go back you did what 

mianmian: @nie-huaisang be honest are u some kind of criminal mastermind

wen-qing: I have some concerns ngl

nie-huaisang: who, me?

nie-huaisang: no idk what ur talking about

jiang-yanli: this seems like something we should revisit at a later date

jiang-yanli: is a-xian still talking about wine?? 

nie-huaisang: no for some reason he’s now telling a story about this time he got attacked by a tortoise 

jiang-cheng: Lol I remember that

jiang-cheng: Good times

nie-huaisang: oMG he just asked lan wangji if he wants to see the scar and I think he started taking off SOME ARTICLE OF CLOTHING

mianmian: oh my god like in a sexy way??

nie-huaisang: uhhh idk he mostly just sounds panicked

nie-huaisang: oh no but lan wangji said (he sounds INCREDIBLY tense btw) “please do not”

mianmian: rip

mianmian: but also lmao it sounds to me like Lan Wangji is thinking some Gay Thoughts™️ and freaking out 

lan-xichen: That is probably accurate

nie-huaisang: wei wuxian was like “haha u don’t want to see my manly scars lan zhan” and lan wangji was like “I do not wish to see where u have been injured” 

jiang-yanli: that’s so sweet

wen-qing: Yeah but I guarantee Wei Wuxian is already misinterpreting that

jiang-yanli: yeah he sent me a bunch of texts about how lan wangji doesn’t find him attractive and the world is ending 

mianmian: my soul just left my body I think

nie-huaisang: oh no people are starting to notice that the elevator is broken

nie-huaisang: i think someone might’ve actually called maintenance while i was busy eavesdropping

mianmian: well we had a good run

yunmeng trio

wei-wuxian: WHY CAN’T I STOP TALKING ABOUT HOW BLOODTHIRSTY TORTOISES ARE HELP ME

Chapter Text

it’s getting gay in here

wei-wuxian: how is everyone on this fine day

wei-wuxian: some of us, named me, are TRAUMATIZED from the events of yesterday

nie-huaisang: omg what happened yesterday

wei-wuxian: KDJDJCKEJXDJ

wei-wuxian: NIE HUAISANG

mianmian: I definitely don’t recall anything significant happening yesterday

wen-qing: What are you referring to

wei-wuxian: I WAS TRAPPED IN AN ELEVATOR

wei-wuxian: ok this is cyberbullying and i won’t stand for it

wei-wuxian: third time’s the charm

wei-wuxian added lan-xichen to the chat. 

wei-wuxian: HELP HELP IM BEING BULLIED

lan-xichen: Hi, Wei Wuxian. What do you want me to do, exactly?

wei-wuxian: report them to the FBI

lan-xichen: I know you know I don’t have the power to do that

wei-wuxian: literally what kind of adviser r u

lan-xichen: The kind that’s not a federal agent?

wei-wuxian: should we take a vote on getting a new adviser

lan-wangji: No.

wei-wuxian: hmmmm

wei-wuxian: is this nepotism at work

lan-wangji: No.

wei-wuxian: very suspicious, but i’ll allow it bc ur hot

wei-wuxian: headed

wei-wuxian: hotheaded haha that’s lan zhan haha

wei-wuxian: what a temper!!

wei-wuxian: anyway might as well clear out the dead weight right

wei-wuxian removed lan-xichen from the chat. 

jiang-cheng: I feel like we just watched you go through the stages of grief 

wei-wuxian: no no nothing’s happening here except my extreme betrayal at the way this chat so quickly forgets my brush with DEATH

jin-ling: Weren’t you just stuck in an elevator for like 20 mins

wei-wuxian: freshmen don’t get to have input about my near-death experience

lan-wangji: You were never near death.

wei-wuxian: I COULDVE BEEN

lan-wangji: I would not have allowed that. 

wei-wuxian: ok i rescind my nepotism comment 

wei-wuxian: ur clearly my only friend here

lan-wangji: Are we friends?

wei-wuxian: uhhhhhh well idk i thought so

wei-wuxian: arent we haha?

lan-wangji: Yes. I’d like that.

wei-wuxian: ohhhhhh coooooool cool

wei-wuxian: good!

despairing bystanders

jiang-cheng: What the fuck are we witnessing here 

mianmian: the weirdest mating ritual ever? 

wen-qing: At least they’ve finally realized they’re friends. Only took 200 years 

jiang-yanli: all progress is good, I guess???

yunmeng trio

wei-wuxian: HE WANTS TO BE FRIENDS

wei-wuxian: BUT ALSO HE ONLY WANTS TO BE FRIENDS

jiang-yanli: a-xian we need to work on your tendency to make unfounded assumptions 

jiang-cheng: Frankly your communication skills are abysmal @wei-wuxian

wei-wuxian: THATS SO RICH COMING FROM U

wei-wuxian: mr “i’ll keep all my emotions bottled up right here and then one day i’ll die”

wei-wuxian: have u ever effectively communicated a single day in ur life

jiang-cheng: How’s this: I feel that you’re a dumbass

wei-wuxian: i’ve changed my mind

wei-wuxian: put ur feelings right back in the bottle where they belong 

jiang-yanli: if you two don’t stop bickering I’ll have no choice but to sign you up for family therapy

wei-wuxian: SWEET ANGEL SHIJIE IS THAT A THREAT

jiang-yanli: I would never threaten you!!! I’m simply telling you what’s going to happen 

wei-wuxian: OH GOD ITS NOT A THREAT ITS A PROMISE THATS EVEN WORSE

wei-wuxian: ok @jiang-cheng i take back my end of the bickering

wei-wuxian: ur still my third fave sibling

jiang-cheng: WEI WUXIAN

jiang-cheng: YOU ONLY HAVE TWO

the squad

lan-jingyi: hm not sure about this whole “friends” thing

lan-jingyi: should we revive operation jealousy

wen-yuan: No I think Operation Jealousy should stay dead

lan-jingyi: well then what now?

jin-ling: We stop meddling in people’s lives

lan-jingyi: we’re not gonna do THAT

lan-jingyi: let’s get some more intelligent suggestions plz

ouyang-zizhen: hear me out

ouyang-zizhen: we send them love letters from each other

lan-jingyi: did you just rewatch clueless

ouyang-zizhen: yes great movie

lan-jingyi: so true bestie

lan-jingyi: GREAT idea does anyone know how to replicate someone’s handwriting

wen-yuan: At some point you have to wonder if we’re crossing certain boundaries 

wen-yuan: Maybe we...should not do that

lan-jingyi: what do you expect us to do, find other hobbies??

wen-yuan: Yes

lan-jingyi: hm

wen-ning: I have something that may interest the chat

wen-ning: [1 video attached] 

ouyang-zizhen: oh my god!!

lan-jingyi: WEI WUXIAN WRAPPING HIS ARMS AROUND LAN WANGJI’S NECK??

lan-jingyi: WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS

wen-ning: I believe Wei Wuxian saw a dog walk by

jin-ling: Why does he look terrified

jin-ling: Was it a WEREWOLF

wen-ning: No it was a chihuahua

jin-ling: Ok I have follow-up questions but I’m not going to ask

lan-jingyi: theyre so cute together are you sure we shouldn’t scheme some more

wen-yuan: I am...pretty sure

yunmeng trio

wei-wuxian: ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE 

jiang-yanli: what????

wei-wuxian: there was a DOG on the LAWN

jiang-yanli: oh no are you okay??

wei-wuxian: yes lan zhan shielded me w his body like a storybook prince

wei-wuxian: y is he so hot

wei-wuxian: should i just have him follow me around all day every day and protect me from dogs

jiang-yanli: you know a good way to accomplish that? 

jiang-yanli: asking him to be your boyfriend!

wei-wuxian: i love the way u suggest such outlandish things 

wei-wuxian: ur so hilarious shijie

jiang-yanli: >:(

wei-wuxian: but really do u ever just stare at lan zhan and think wow this is the most beautiful human being probably ever

jiang-cheng: I can honestly say I do not

wei-wuxian: oh that’s fine u don’t have taste anyway

jiang-yanli: we are not starting this again!! 

jiang-yanli: I know you love each other you can’t fool me 

wei-wuxian: damn, caught

jiang-cheng: Ugh like I guess

lan-wangji > wei-wuxian

lan-wangji: Are you OK now? You seemed upset earlier. 

wei-wuxian: oh yes now that i am far away from that evil creature i am swell

wei-wuxian: thank u for ur protection services 

lan-wangji: Evil creature? You mean the dog?

wei-wuxian: yes all dogs r my nemeses

lan-wangji: Oh. Why is that? 

wei-wuxian: uhhhhhhh just some childhood trauma haha nothing 2 see here

lan-wangji: I am sorry for asking. You don’t have to talk about it, of course. I am glad I could be there for you today.

wei-wuxian: best co-prez ever amiright

lan-wangji: And friend?

wei-wuxian: oh! yes!!! you’re a wonderful friend

lan-wangji: You are as well. I am here if you ever wish to talk.

wei-wuxian: oh wow thanks lan zhan

wei-wuxian: maybe i’ll? tell you about it? sometime?

lan-wangji: I would like that.

it’s getting gay in here

wei-wuxian: if anyone just saw me set off the smoke detectors no you didn’t

jiang-cheng: What did you do

ouyang-zizhen: wait that was u?!

jiang-yanli: a-xian do you need kitchen supervision again??

wei-wuxian: i was just trying to cook some chicken nuggets!!!

wei-wuxian: i meant to put them in for 10 mins but i accidentally selected 100 mins and i didn’t realize until the smoke started 

jiang-cheng: Once again I have to ask: how did you ever get hired as an RA when you’re a walking safety hazard

wei-wuxian: this could’ve happened to anyone!!!

lan-wangji: I am not sure that’s true.

wei-wuxian: wow even lan zhan now turns on me

wei-wuxian: is this a bad time to mention i also tried to microwave a baked potato and it exploded

jiang-yanli: did you prick it with a fork first?

wei-wuxian: no how could i possibly have known to do that

wen-qing: Well did you google how to make a baked potato?

wei-wuxian: of course not i’m a genius engineer i don’t need instructions from google

jin-ling: The evidence suggests otherwise

wei-wuxian: wow u blow up ONE potato and suddenly the freshmen think they’re so much better than u

wei-wuxian: where’s @jin-zixuan i feel like i haven’t gotten to bully him in forever 

jin-zixuan: Not setting off fire alarms

wei-wuxian: yeah only bc shijie has banned u from setting foot in the kitchen ever again

jin-zixuan: No comment

wei-wuxian: yeah that’s what i thought, punk

wei-wuxian: anyway what we should all be focusing on is that im going to starve and die so say ur goodbyes everyone

jiang-yanli: A-XIAN

lan-wangji: I cooked extra tonight. I will bring you some.

wei-wuxian: oooooh my god lan zhan thats so nice u don’t have to do that

lan-wangji: We are friends. I want to.

wei-wuxian: wow ur really embracing this friend thing huh

wei-wuxian: not that i am complaining obviously!!! as i told u ur the best friend ever

wei-wuxian: but um i would love some of ur food if u have extra 

lan-wangji: I will be there soon. 

despairing bystanders 

nie-huaisang: ok i think the dog thing went pretty well so we can move into the final phase of the plan

mianmian: wait what plan

jiang-yanli: the DOG thing???????

nie-huaisang: don’t worry about it gtg bye!

mianmian: SIR WHAT IS THE PLAN WHAT IS THIS FINAL PHASE

Chapter Text

it’s getting gay in here

wei-wuxian: UMMMMMM

wei-wuxian: do my eyes deceive me or did i just receive an email from the dean saying another prof will be taking over wen chao’s classes “for the foreseeable future, pending an investigation”????

wei-wuxian: lan zhan be honest did u kill wen chao

wei-wuxian: it’s ok u can tell me i wont snitch 

lan-wangji: Of course not.

wei-wuxian: lan zhan i won’t tell anyone if u did

wei-wuxian: except everyone in this chat, obviously

lan-wangji: That’s quite an offer, but to my knowledge Wen Chao is alive. 

wei-wuxian: a shame tbh

wei-wuxian: HES GONE THOUGH?????

wei-wuxian: HES BEING INVESTIGATED????

wei-wuxian: what did u doooooooo

lan-wangji: I merely presented the dean with some evidence. I had help from others. 

wen-qing: We gave some helpful testimonials. Luckily he has a storied history of being an abusive asshole

wei-wuxian: omg queen i bet u did

jin-zixuan: Yeah, you’re welcome

wei-wuxian: wow it’s very nice of u, a complete stranger, to do that for me <3

jin-zixuan: I didn’t even do it for you, asshole

jin-zixuan: I did it bc Wen Chao doesn’t deserve to be a professor

wei-wuxian: oh thank god i really couldnt thank u in good faith

lan-wangji: My brother helped us get a meeting with the dean, and Nie Huaisang also provided significant intel.

nie-huaisang: oh me? barely haha i just mentioned some stuff i heard around campus

wei-wuxian: oh so this is what ur up to when ur not TRAPPING ME IN ELEVATORS

nie-huaisang: i told u that wasnt me!!

wei-wuxian: and i DONT BELIEVE U

jiang-yanli: I’m going to tear up this is so nice of you all!!

jiang-yanli: the Wen Chao thing not anything elevator-related

wei-wuxian: shhhhh shijie u’ll make ME cry and then where will we be

lan-wangji: It was nothing.

wei-wuxian: lan zhaaaaaaaan it’s not nothing it means i wont have to retake this claaaaaass

wei-wuxian: also lowkey wen chao told me he was gonna report me to the honor council for literally no reason soooooooo haha good thing he prob cant now

jiang-yanli: a-xian WHAT

jiang-yanli: you did not tell me that!!!

wei-wuxian: it didnt seem relevant!

jiang-cheng: Of course that’s relevant you idiot

lan-wangji: You should have told us. But he will not have the power to do that now that he’s under investigation for mistreating students. The problem goes far beyond just you, so I am confident he will not be a problem in future.

wen-qing: Thank god for that

wei-wuxian: what a joyous day 

wei-wuxian: should we all go out to dinner tonight to celebrate!!!!!!!!!!

lan-wangji: I am available.

jiang-yanli: oh no I can’t tonight! a-xuan and I have plans :(

jin-zixuan: We do?

jin-zixuan: Oh right right those plans 

wen-qing: I’m working

nie-huaisang: i promised my brother i would study harder so

jiang-cheng: I just don’t want to come

mianmian: omg sounds soooooo fun but yeah I’m super busy today

wen-ning: I’m babysitting tonight, sorry @wei-wuxian :(

wei-wuxian: u guys r all the worst except lan zhan

wei-wuxian: ur ALL busy??? what about the freshmen

lan-jingyi: uhhhh no sorry we can’t there’s a big Roommate Emergency we’re dealing with

wei-wuxian: wtf is a roommate emergency

lan-jingyi: we’re all? fighting??

lan-jingyi: yeah it’s a mess we’ll have to just stay home and sort that out haha enjoy dinner!

wei-wuxian: ok whatever i don’t want to be involved in any freshman drama

wei-wuxian: looks like it’s just u and me lan zhan lol

the squad

jin-ling: Could you possibly have given a worse excuse

lan-jingyi: um absolutely I could’ve

lan-jingyi: imagine if I’d said we all went bald and are too embarrassed to go outside

lan-jingyi: or that there’s a crocodile in our dorm and we’re waiting for animal control

lan-jingyi: or there’s an assassin after us so we can’t risk it

jin-ling: Ok. My bad. Clearly you can always come up with something worse

lan-jingyi: I appreciate you recognizing when you’re wrong

jin-ling: Keep it up and I am going to send an assassin after you

wen-ning: do you guys actually not like each other or is bickering just how you show affection

jin-ling: Yes

lan-jingyi: yeah

wen-ning: ok that didn’t answer my question

wen-yuan: You just have to kinda let it happen

wen-ning: understood

lan-jingyi: anyway what’s important here is that Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji are going on a DATE

lan-jingyi: well they probably don't know it’s a date but IT IS

ouyang-zizhen: maybe this one will go better than last time

jin-ling: Those sound like famous last words

despairing bystanders

jiang-yanli: you guys didn’t mention you were helping lan wangji get rid of wen chao!!!

wen-qing: We didn’t want to say anything until we knew if it would actually work

nie-huaisang: yeah itd be a huge bummer to get everyone’s hopes up for no reason

jiang-yanli: oh that’s true

jin-zixuan: I wanted to tell you but I thought it’d be better to wait

jiang-yanli: that’s okay!! I understand <3 I’m just so relieved!!

mianmian: @jiang-yanli are you going to spy on their date again today

jiang-yanli: I wouldn’t call it spying!! just...supervising?? being helpful!

jiang-cheng: Suuuuure a-jie

nie-huaisang: i dont think thatll be necessary

mianmian: are you going to bug the table they sit at

mianmian: since apparently that’s a thing you do?!

nie-huaisang: nah i won’t need to if all goes according to plan

mianmian: I will venmo you $1 to tell me wtf “the plan” is

nie-huaisang: shh dont worry about it

mianmian: okay well now I’m definitely worried about it

yunmeng trio

jiang-yanli: how are you feeling about your date a-xian

wei-wuxian: it’s not a DATE

wei-wuxian: wait is it a date??

wei-wuxian: no no it’s not a date

wei-wuxian: so i feel totally fine totally normal

wei-wuxian: i probably don’t even still have a crush on lan zhan anymore, probably 

jiang-cheng: [1 image attached]

wei-wuxian: ok fine so he’s the hottest man in the entire world so what

wei-wuxian: also how dare u send that picture of him im fragile

jiang-cheng: I thought you were “totally fine”

wei-wuxian: UGH everyone KNOWS when i say im fine it’s a LIE

jiang-yanli: yes of course we do

jiang-yanli: a-cheng is just teasing 

nie-huaisang > wei-wuxian

nie-huaisang: bro can u come over for a lil to help me w my physics homework? ur so good at it

wei-wuxian: sure ig but also since when r u in physics??? 

nie-huaisang: oh yknow i dabble

nie-huaisang: see u soon then! we’ll be done b4 ur date i promise

wei-wuxian: its NOT A DATE

wei-wuxian > lan-wangji

wei-wuxian: heeeey i have to help nie huaisang w smth but i’ll meet u at the restaurant at 6

lan-wangji: OK. I will see you there. 

nie-huaisang > wen-qing

nie-huaisang: yo i asked wei wuxian to drop something off for u at work

nie-huaisang: can u just stall him for a bit when he gets there

wen-qing: Stall him until what? Also, wasn’t he supposed to meet Lan Wangji 15 mins ago?

nie-huaisang: yea don’t worry about it he doesnt know what time it is right now

nie-huaisang: his phone isnt working

wen-qing: Okay but how long am I stalling him for? Also might I remind you I am WORKING right now 

nie-huaisang: oh u’ll know when it happens

wen-qing: ???

nie-huaisang: just don’t let him know what the real time is it’ll be fine 

lan-wangji > nie-huaisang

lan-wangji: Hello. Is Wei Ying with you? He is not answering his phone, nor is he at the restaurant.

nie-huaisang: oh dude hes in the hospital

lan-wangji: What

nie-huaisang: yeah you know the one on campus?

nie-huaisang: lan wangji? 

despairing bystanders

mianmian: did I just see THE Lan Wangji sprinting across campus?! 

lan-xichen: Wangji? Sprinting?

nie-huaisang: wow i assumed his only setting was walking at a brisk pace

mianmian: but why is he running?!?!?!?! what is going on aren’t they supposed to be at dinner right now

jiang-yanli: where’s a-xian!!! he hasn’t answered any of my texts

nie-huaisang: oh yeah dont worry he’s fine his phone is just temporarily jammed

mianmian: JAMMED?

mianmian: what are they teaching you in your robotics classes sir I’m deeply alarmed

mianmian: also impressed tho I’m going to need you to give me a crash course in being an evil genius

nie-huaisang: who, me? nah i barely did anything haha

wen-qing: UM

wen-qing: @nie-huaisang did you know this was going to happen???

nie-huaisang: is lan wangji there now?

wen-qing: Yes! Why am I witnessing a full-on Netflix romantic comedy in this hospital hallway?!

jiang-yanli: oh my god what happened!!

mianmian: plz @wen-qing we need more info

wen-qing: It seems like Lan Wangji was under the impression that Wei Wuxian is here because he was injured or something? He ran in here like a man possessed and was like “Wei Ying!” in the most dramatic possible voice and then Wei Wuxian turned around and before he could say anything Lan Wangji just kissed him, I kid you not

jiang-yanli: WHAT

mianmian: hot DAMN

nie-huaisang: wow i thought it would be p successful but i didn’t know it would be THIS successful

jiang-cheng: You mean to tell me this whole time all we had to do was just injure Wei Wuxian? I would’ve done that ages ago

jiang-yanli: a-cheng! 

jiang-cheng: I’m kidding

jiang-cheng: Mostly

jiang-yanli: what’s happening now?! 

wen-qing: Wei Wuxian had to reassure Lan Wangji like five times that he isn’t injured and then they started to talk about their feelings so I walked away to give them some privacy

jiang-yanli: oh why’d you do that

wen-qing: Ma’am I don’t want to be involved in their frankly extremely sappy love declarations

wen-qing: Also I’m supposed to be working rn! I want to remain gainfully employed

mianmian: fair enough, I guess

wen-qing: I know you’re all considering throwing a watch party in the hospital to see this play out but under no circumstances will I sanction that 

wen-qing: I’m kicking them out to go on their date anyway

wen-qing: They can save dramatic shit like this for airports 

jiang-yanli: I can’t believe this!!!!!! I’m so happy for them!!!!! 

mianmian: someone should probably tell the freshmen before they do something insane like forge a marriage certificate 

wen-qing: No one suggest that idea to them

jiang-yanli: I’ll tell a-ling! 

nie-huaisang: I’ll un-jam wei wuxian’s phone

mianmian: I can’t believe this was your plan

mianmian: how did you know it would work?!

nie-huaisang: idk! i just thought i’d give it a go

wen-qing: If you ever host a soap opera in my hospital again I’m going to kill you

nie-huaisang: hm ok noted

mianmian: wait does this mean we won’t need this group chat anymore

jiang-cheng: Are you kidding? They’re going to be so gross and cutesy to make up for lost time it’s going to be awful

jiang-cheng: We’ll definitely still be despairing bystanders 

jiang-yanli: noooo they’ll just be sweet together!! we can use this chat to talk about how cute they are without embarrassing them <3

mianmian: lol two types of people

jiang-yanli: I’m just so happy for a-xian!!! he deserves good things he just doesn’t seem to know it

mianmian: I’m sure Lan Wangji will remind him 200 times a day 

lan-xichen: I am quite pleased as well. I think they will make each other very happy

lan-xichen: Though I’m a little concerned about Nie Huaisang’s methods? Should we discuss this?

nie-huaisang: i think what we all need to focus on here is that it worked!!

nie-huaisang: [1 image attached]

nie-huaisang: look how cute they are

wen-qing: How did you get access to the hospital security camera footage?!

jiang-yanli > jin-ling

jiang-yanli: you can tell your friends they no longer need to matchmake a-xian and lan wangji!! they’ve finally figured things out <3

jin-ling: “Friends” is such a strong word

jin-ling: I’ll uhh tell them though

jin-ling: That’s cool and all, for your brother

jiang-yanli: yes it is!!! and I appreciate your help trying to set them up <3

jin-ling: Oh I mean

jin-ling: You’re welcome!! Happy to help!

jiang-yanli: are we still on for brunch next weekend?

jin-ling: Yeah definitely!!!

jiang-yanli: okay wonderful <3

the squad

jin-ling: Jiang Yanli just told me Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji “figured things out” 

lan-jingyi: WHAT

wen-yuan: How did it happen??

ouyang-zizhen: oh my god oh my goooood

wen-ning: that’s so great!! how???

jin-ling: No idea. I didn’t ask

jin-ling: But finally we can stop talking about this

lan-jingyi: are you kidding this is all I’m ever going to talk about

lan-jingyi: did she say if it was bc of our hard work

jin-ling: No

lan-jingyi: I bet it was though

lan-jingyi: like you know when you loosen a jar and then hand it to someone and they open it? it’s like that

lan-jingyi: we totally loosened the jar of their relationship

lan-jingyi: we’re HEROES

jin-ling: I literally think you were two seconds from dropping the jar and smashing it

lan-jingyi: that doesn’t check out to me

wen-yuan: I’m happy for them I think they’ll be good together!

ouyang-zizhen: i wonder what wei wuxian will be like now that he can openly express his affection for lan wangji

it’s getting gay in here

wei-wuxian: [7 images attached]

wei-wuxian: LOOK HOW BEAUTIFUL MY BOYFRIEND IS

jiang-cheng: Oh god it’s starting

Chapter Text

it’s getting gay in here

wei-wuxian: GUESS WHOSE ONE-MONTH ANNIVERSARY IT IS

jin-ling: An anniversary means a year so that’s like not a thing 

wei-wuxian: how dare u use the “meaning” of “words” against me

jin-ling: Why did you put those in quotes 

wei-wuxian: dont worry about it

jin-ling: Ok well I’m not worried about it so

jiang-yanli: a-xian that’s wonderful! are you going out to dinner to celebrate? 

lan-wangji: I will be cooking us a meal. 

wei-wuxian: yea u set a small but CONTAINED fire in a restaurant ONE TIME and suddenly u “can’t be trusted to dine in public settings” 

jiang-cheng: No one asked you to drop your entire napkin into a candle

lan-wangji: It was more than one time. 

wei-wuxian: i just wanted to see what would happen! it was an experiment! im a scientist!!

lan-wangji: Could you refrain from conducting scientific experiments at mealtimes?

wei-wuxian: okaaaay fiiiiine

wei-wuxian: only bc i would do anything for u loml <3

lan-wangji: Will you get on a regular sleep schedule and eat more vegetables?

wei-wuxian: no absolutely not why would u even ask me that

lan-wangji: It was worth a try.

jiang-yanli: a good attempt for sure!!

jiang-yanli: a-xian >:(

jiang-cheng: Can you and your bf go be gross somewhere else @wei-wuxian

wei-wuxian: thanks for asking

wei-wuxian: NOPE

wei-wuxian: I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND EVERYONE MUST KNOW

lan-wangji: I love you too.

jiang-cheng: Ugh

mianmian: lol does anyone else suddenly randomly feel incredibly lonely

nie-huaisang: yep

wei-wuxian: ur welcome <3 i regret nothing

the squad

lan-jingyi: it’s kind of like watching my parents kiss

jin-ling: I do not relate to that 

lan-jingyi: yeah but that’s bc your parents are Jiang Yanli and Jin Zixuan

lan-jingyi: and possibly Jiang Cheng? not sure how that works

jin-ling: I am going to request a new roommate

jin-ling: Any day now

lan-jingyi: you say that but who’s going to leave you nice post-it notes when I’m gone???

jin-ling: The last one said “do your dishes or I’ll dump all your personal belongings in the ocean”

lan-jingyi: yeah but I meant it in a nice way

lan-jingyi: @wen-yuan tell him what a good roommate I am

wen-yuan: I like living with both of you! 

wen-ning: wow this is cute

wen-ning: my freshman-year roommate tried to report me to our RA for “breathing too loudly” when I had a cold

ouyang-zizhen: wait wasn’t ur RA wei wuxian? 

wen-ning: yes he burned the report in a “ceremonial fire”

wen-ning: it was actually kind of beautiful

ouyang-zizhen: wow that does sound beautiful 

jin-ling: In what way

lan-jingyi: anyway it’s been a month since we successfully matchmade Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji and I just feel like my life is missing something 

lan-jingyi: should we start a matchmaking business 

wen-yuan: maybe? not?

jin-ling: Under NO circumstances should we do that

jin-ling: Also can you please explain what you think “successful” means 

lan-jingyi: what I’m getting from this is it’s definitely up for discussion so great! 

jin-ling: No

despairing bystanders 

mianmian: have we created monsters

nie-huaisang: are u referring to the lovebirds or the freshmen who are definitely inevitably going to try to meddle in our lives one day soon 

nie-huaisang: bc yes 

mianmian: okay just checking!

jiang-yanli: no no monsters here they’re all sweet!!

jiang-cheng: I told Wei Wuxian to establish boundaries with them. He never listens 

lan-xichen: I just want to say I’m glad we were right that Wangji and Wei Wuxian are good for each other

lan-xichen: I’ve never seen my brother so happy