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Chapter Text

If someone were to have asked you, you would not have been able to answer what it was that had called you towards the showers. An ancient pull tugging on your heart like a puppet by it's puppeteer's string. There was no shaking it off. The feeling had followed you all day, from the second you got up to the time at night you finished your duties and walked along the halls towards your chambers. Only this time you decided to follow the pull.

You brought the door handle down, the metal freezing cold to the touch, and stepped inside.
The room was illuminated by a blue hue, florescent lights flickering and flimmering overhead of you. You and a lone figure sitting underneath a shower-head, clothed and and shivering.

You bent down to pick up the sole towel on the floor. It felt coarse in your hands and not at all comfortable. You'd have preferred to dry the passed out person with your cloak but you didn't have it with you, so for now it would have to do.

You stepped closer, recognition dawning on you.
The person wasn't passed out and neither were they unknown to you. It was Anakin, Anakin Skywalker - the Chosen One. You had only seen him a few times yet you wouldn't have been able not to recognize him.

Anakin's stare burned through you. Angry. Pupils blown out then shrinking again, over and over again. Chest rising shallow, throttles from his throat, clothes clinging like a second skin. In the big empty shower Anakin looked utterly so small and lost, dark hair wet and sticking to his face. Entirely soaked by the water raining down on him, skin pale and limbs shaking. Even the metal one. Like something, someone, out of this world.

You kneeled down to wrap the towel around his shoulders. "It's cold."

Anakin didn't respond to you.

"What are you thinking of sitting here?" you asked, resolving to sitting down next to him under the spray of the shower. The water was as cold as ice, bitting into your back, yet you did not turn it off. You suspected he would not have let you do so anyway.

You put your arms over your knees and lied your head down, looking up at the blue hue flickering above you. On and out, light to dark and back to light again. Cycle repeating over and over again, making you wonder when those flickers would finally erupt in a fire. Or maybe they would just burn out instead.

"I think of the future," you told Anakin. You turned your head towards him awaiting his response. He was looking right back at you. "So tell me," you said, "why are you here? You must have been sitting here for hours, alone and cold."

You reached out to touch the glove of his metal arm. It had only been such a short time after Geonosis and the day he got his arm.
"I just need to know if you are alright."

Anakin tore his arm away and you flinched. But then he offered you his other one instead, palm open and shaking. You entwined your hands, cold and wet and unfamiliar with each other, creating new body heat.

"It's okay if you don't want to talk, just let me know you're there," you said. Your thumb traced the skin of his fingers. "While we might not know each other, know that I'll listen. To you. Whenever," you squeezed his hand, "you need someone to talk. I am not forcing you, it's just an offer."

You snorted and hid your face in your arms again, looking at the lights. "I don't think you even know my name yet I sit here forcing you to listen to my musings. I must be getting on your nerves."

"I like your hair," you said gently, voice caught in your throat as you stroked his wet hair. "It's very pretty."

Anakin sagged against you, leaning into your touch.

You paused. "Don't you want to get up? I'll take you to your chambers, Anakin, I just need you to move. Help me a bit." You slithered his arms around your neck and then you took a deep breath and slowly began lifting him up. You were shaking, breathing harshly but... you had gotten him up steadily. Up enough he was now standing on his own.

"I think of drowning."

You frowned. "Huh?"

"The answer to your question," he repeated. "I think of drowning," Anakin mumbled, arms still holding on to you.

The rest of the way to his chambers it was as if he'd been replaced with someone else. He was smiling and making jokes, so unlike the version of him you'd gotten to know. More like the Skywalker you had faintly heard of before. Happy.

By the next morning he'd cut all of it off.

Chapter Text

Honestly, you had not expected Anakin to ever talk to you again.

When you saw him sitting hunched on a stair case, sporting a very short buzzcut your first conscious thought was: 'Did your comment cause him to do that?' Had you done something to trigger that response in some way-

You walked faster towards the stairs.

No, clearly you could not have been the final influence to that. Either way, you thought, there was no reason for someone like him to seek you out. Even if a tiny part of you had hoped he would take you up on your offer and be friends. You had resigned yourself to that.

"Hey," Anakin called.

You stopped in your tracks, almost tripping over your own cloak in the process. You straightened yourself up in an attempt to channel some of your usual dignity back. "Hello, um Anakin. I like what you did to your hair," you said, shifting on your toes awkwardly.

"I just had the urge to, you know?"

You certainly did not know but nodded anyway. Your throat dried up uncomfortably though you refrained from clearing it. It would have been impolite.

"I picked up the razor," Anakin said, mimicking the gesture, "and then I did it. I didn't think of the consequences or even how it would look like." He glanced at you, uncertain. "I did not feel anything. Nothing. I just wanted to do it." Anakin sighed and brushed a hand over the top of his head. "Do you know how long it's going to take for this to grow back?"

You shrugged and finally decided to seat yourself down next to him. You could go meditate later.

You gestured for him to continue and Anakin rolled his eyes.
"I wouldn't have thought you to be so impatient, how'd you ever get through the trials?"

He dodged underneath the slap you directed at his neck. For someone who'd been knighted he certainly behaved like a youngling. Now he resembled the man who'd you met in the showers neither in appearance nor in attitude. It was disturbing. But you shrugged the thought off. You didn't know him, who were you to judge his behaviour?

"As I was saying," Anakin began again.

His voice faded into the background as the impression of something pressed into your mind. a thought. You blinked. Now you'd realized what was going on here. He was trying to deflect you with humor, trying to throw you off from talking about what had transpired and his sudden hair cut. An uncomfortable shiver went through you at the memory of yesterday.

"-Wan told me to deal with it on my own! Can you imagine?"

You interrupted him, unable to keep your thoughts inside any longer. "We don't know each other. Before yesterday we never even spoke, so why now? You could pick any other Jedi out of a crowd and they would agree." You picked at your tunic, deliberately not looking him in the eyes for you'd be to embarrassed and the sudden bout of directness would leave you. "How can you act like this so easily? As if we were already friends?"

You blanched and let go off your tunic - hands now tight at your side twirling with nothing. This hadn't come out the way you intended. "I'm not trying to say I don't want to be friends! That sounded so wrong what I said." You gathered the fabrics of your sleeves into your hands. "I just don't understand how you are so- How do I say it? Not stiff? That's probably not the best word but you know what I mean. Everyone else I know, even myself, we are stiff and do simply not act like- like you do. So, how do you do it?"

Anakin studied you, his face blank, unmoving, not betraying any emotion. Blue eyes staring at you. As if to preserve all and any of your moves from the way your brows creased to the nervous tension in your shoulders in his mind. You couldn't help but feel like one of the animals in the holo-vids you'd watched about zoological gardens on Naboo.

"Why did you come yesterday?" Anakin finally asked. He looked as if he himself had no clue where that question came from.

"I don't know. I just felt like it," you answered. It was close enough to the truth that it wouldn't ring as a lie in the Force. You would not tell him that every nerve in your body had burned with one and only one thought in mind - rescue and retrieve. There was no other way to describe the feeling that had taken hold of you last night. "Like I was meant to be there."

Anakin finally tore his gaze off you and instead focused on the people passing by. Some running down the stairs, others walking patiently. Young as did old. And you were sitting beside him on the cold ancient stairs, watching Jedi come and go. You went quiet.

"When you said you think of drowning, Anakin, what do you mean by that?"

Anakin flexed his leather glove. "Ever since I got this arm, all my mind keeps thinking of is how much I hate this stupid fucking piece of shit. Did you know it was entirely my own fault I got my real arm hacked off? I just had to act like the biggest fuckup in the galaxy." He scoffed. "I almost got my Master killed. And you know what? He isn't even mad at me! How can he not be- I am not going to understand any of this, ever!"

You placed your hand atop of his. Hidden underneath the long sleeves from prying eyes.

Anakin stroked over your fingers absentmindedly. "I drown in all these bad thoughts. Pulling me under, boiling my lungs, until nobody will be able to spot me at the ground of the sea. Maybe then they'll be gone. Maybe then they'll leave. Because every second I am awake and breathe air and not water, is a second I spend aware of my failings. But underneath the water, real water, I get this irrational fear thinking what if I actually did drown. Drowning makes me feel real."

"That's not healthy."

Anakin tugged you closer by your hand.
"I don't care."

"You should," you replied, hiding your frown from him.

Chapter Text

Anakin was a gifted swordsman, you had never doubted that, and yet you still had wanted to try yourself against him. Which Jedi wouldn't want to spar against the Chosen One? And so you had gladly accepted his invitation to one of the training rooms. You had thought you would have fun, that it would be nice.

But now that you were actually attempting to hold yourself against Anakin, trying desperately to best him, you realized that suddenly this didn't look like fun anymore. Not when he wore that look in his eyes.

Frantic.

The air left your lungs with a harsh exhale and you struggled to keep up with Anakin's slashes at you. You tried, you really did. Over and over again did his blade meet yours, narrowly missing you by mere millimeters. He looked animalistic. Anakin had never seemed inhuman to you before but in this moment you could feel nothing but primal fear beating erratically in your chest.

"Hey," you wheezed out, "maybe we should take a break?" You ducked underneath a slice that could have taken your head off.

Your chest was burning, your lungs longed for oxygen, and your knees kept buckling with every dodge and every sidestep you had to made as Anakin's assault pushed you further back.

"But it's just getting fun!"

Your saber almost slipped out of your sweaty grip. "For you maybe!" Perspiration dropped into your eyes and tears were already pricking at the corners of them from the bad stinging. But there was no time for you to do anything about it - not when you were trying not to get any of your body parts sliced off.

You kicked Anakin in the side, using the momentum to propel yourself forward and parry his attacks with your own lightsaber. Step, step and now cut at the opening, you thought to yourself, mentally going through the many motions ingrained into your brain. Before you knew it the two of you were back on equal footing.

More sweat ran down your back and a horrible thought crossed your mind, so utterly unlike you that it send a jolt up your back. Could he smell you? Did you stink? You stopped yourself from scrunching up your brows and instead pushed back against Anakin's determined strives against your sudden offense.

Why were you even thinking about what he thought of you? Such vanity was unbecoming of a Jedi Kni- You lost your footing, falling forward and right into the path of his blue saber. Your eyes met for only a glimpse of a second and for the first time in your life you were truly scared for yourself.

"Wait-"

Anakin brought the hilt of his saber down on your face.

______________

When you opened your eyes again your head was pounding raw and and angry from the inside and yet you were still standing as if no time had passed at all.
Your lips were wet.

You brought up a hand to touch them, carefully brushing against the flesh to wipe away the sweat.

The buzzing within your head turned worse at the contact and you immediately pulled your hands back, red, coated in a deep liquid. You blinked slowly, ringing in your ears increasing and turning louder than any noise you'd ever heard. Why were your hands red? You parted your lips in confusion. "Ah?" Something wet landed on your tongue, dripping down from your nose to your split lips. Blood.

You sunk down on the floor, dazed, with a head screeching with foggy undefined thoughts. It hurt, you realized. Thinking.

"Fuck! Fuck, I'm sorry!"

"I-" your head was empty, no words, no expressions. You cradled your nose in between your hands and they came back coated in even more red. Broken most likely. Why? Why had he done that? You stared up at Anakin who looked back at you as if awoken out of a dream. Hadn't he realized? Hadn't he thought before he acted? You truly did not understand him. You didn't even know if you wanted to.

He had had time to stop and yet he hadn't. In that second when his hilt had met your face with a sickening crunch he had almost looked gleeful. But it could might as well have been a trick of the light, you thought with uncertainty.

"Hold your head back!" Anakin ordered while he gathered your things. Then calmer, "Don't move. Just let me finish picking this up."

"I don't think that's a good idea-"

Before you could further protest Anakin had pulled you up by the strength of his mechanical arm. Your head snapped forward and warm blood rushed out of your nose, dripping down your chin and onto the floor. The sight was nauseating and made your head swim more than it already had.

Dark spots circled your vision.
You blinked.

Anakin pushed a ripped of piece of dark cloth into your free hand, most likely from his own tunic.

"I feel sorry, alright? I really do-"

"Anakin," you interrupted, muffled by the fabric you were pressing against the lower half of your face, "I never doubted you were sorry. There is truly no need for you to justify yourself."

Chapter Text

"I don't need you to carry me. It's improper and I am perfectly fine walking on my o- Anakin!"

"You were taking too long."

The door to the room Healer Bhu had assigned to you in the Halls of Healing opened and Anakin walked out, you clinging on to his back by dear life. Expectedly (at least for you - Anakin certainly hadn't thought so) rightening your nose and treating your headache had gone over fairly quick. Healer Bhu had seen way worse in his career. Or rather that was what you were told while the bacta solution was being applied to your face. You could count yourself lucky, he had whispered to you with a grin when Anakin wasn't in earlock, many people had lost a limb like this during a duel gone wrong. Which, of course, had not cheered you up.

Unlike the pain medication you were on right now.

"I told you," you flicked Anakin's ear, "that I'm fine to walk on my own. I'm not feeling dizzy nor is my nose bleeding anymore, as you can obviously see and would if you were so nice to let me walk on my own." You had only wobbled a bit! No reason for him to carry you around like this as if you were a youngling.

Anakin laughed but didn't end up letting you go, instead he only held on tighter to your thighs and pushed you up further up his back. You sighed and gave up. If he wanted to carry you then let him. Though the closer you came to the staircase you needed to cross to get up to your quarters, the more your stomach turned queasy.

"We're lucky it's late," Anakin complained. "If anyone else saw me like this they would have my hide."

You giggled. "Why? Because you look like you are kidnapping me? Or because of that horrendous haircut?" What were you saying? You stopped yourself from groaning at the bantha shit your brain was spewing out. Seemed like you had gotten your wish of being more "easygoing" in conversations with Anakin. But at what cost?

"Maybe I should drop you," Anakin grumbled, taking two stairs and giving you a fright.

"I promise you, Anakin, if you let me fall down I will cry."

"Cry? Not rage and cut my other arm off?" Anakin laughed only to let his shoulders fall down immediately afterwards. You knew the arm was one rough subject for him that he usually tried to avoid and you were not going to ask more than he'd willingly divulged to you. You didn't need to see his face to realize he was uncomfortable. So you changed topics.

"You never did give me your comm-number," you mumbled into the fabric of his tunic, nose bumping against his shoulder.

"I'll give it to you later."

"Why not now?" It should be in one of his pockets by standard procedure.

"Because I left it in the training room. I only thought about getting your things and getting you to a Healer and just left all of my things lying there..." As if only having come to the realization now Anakin let out a loud exhausted groan. Then he addressed you again, "I am going to go back down after you're back in your own bed. I don't need two lectures from my Mas-", he coughed, "from Obi-Wan. If I'd simply left you I would have been greeted by a worse lecture then when I lost my lightsaber."

Before you could give your own slightly confused input to that, you had already arrived at the front door of your rooms. Anakin kneeled down to the ground and you hopped off, only slightly unsteady.

You fished your keycard out of a pocket. "Thank you very much, Anakin."

"No problem. It's what friends do, right? And it is the least I could have done after..." he gestured at your face.

"Yes, it's what friends do," you agreed and smiled at him.

Anakin turned around and began walking back into the direction where you presumed the training rooms to be.

"Wait!"

"What? Is there anything else you need help wi-"

"Your haircut- uh..." you fumbled with your sleeves, suddenly feeling uncomfortably tight underneath Anakin's expectant stare. "It makes you look handsome. So I apologize for my earlier comment about- you know. Your hair." You cleared your throat.

Anakin brushed a hand through his hair, looking unusually shy, "Thank you."
And then, "You too."

"I look handsome?" you snorted, "I'll guess I have to thank you too then-"

"No!"

"No? What am I then if not handsome?" You unlocked your door, holding it open by one foot while you continued talking to Anakin.

"Pretty, I mean," he said. "You are pretty. Very so."

"Oh."

Chapter Text

The next day you awoke to a pounding headache, swimming in the hazy aftermath of a nightmare,. trying to make sense of the distorted images inside your mind. You couldn’t remember what it was about but you were sure it was horrible. So much suffering. Propping yourself up from your bed, you decided there was no sense in attempting to sleep anymore.

Even when went to the adjoining bathroom and cleaned yourself up, the feeling that today wasn’t going to be a good day, lingered.

You couldn’t help but analyze what your life had come to today. How much has changed in such short time.
Were you even yourself anymore?

You’d been perfectly fine before with your tight knit group of friends. It had been normal. Average and lacking adventure, but you hadn’t minded. It was everything you’d known, everything you still wanted. Though with Anakin now you did somewhat attempt to crawl out of your shell. At least a little bit. Even if the one time you’d taken time out of your day to spend it with him it had ended with public embarrassment.

Your behavior- You had to repress a shudder at the memory of your inappropriate comments. He surely wouldn’t let that go, would he?

Either way - you closed the door of your room behind you - you’d just take a quick minute to apologize to him and then you were going to the cafeteria to eat with your friends. A failsafe plan! No humiliation in sight. After taking another look at the closest floor plan, you went on your way towards Anakin’s room. You were one hundred percent sure he’d still be there. If not, you could still message him, it wouldn’t be that bad.

However, you didn’t even have to go that far. You met him halfway, stumbling across him walking into your direction as if he’d been expecting to meet you. It was nice.

“Someone’s back to normal,” he greeted you, grinning at you without any sympathy. Just typical Anakin behavior as you were starting to learn.

What should you even say to that? Who greeted someone like that? Was that normal? Were you the weird one or was he?

Overthinking, yes you must be overthinking this as usual. Why was this so uncomfortable? It hadn’t been this awkward before. It surely couldn’t have been, right? You would have noticed!

You scratched the back of your neck, holding back a disgusted shudder. Your hands were so sweaty. Even more so than they were normally.

“You could say that, uh, yes,” you responded at last after a few moments of awkward silence. “So, since we’ve cleared that topic, I’ll go now. I just wanted to quickly drop in make sure everything is alright between us. So I am not mad and you aren’t weirded out and everything is fine?”

“Right,” he assured you. Taking a closer glance a him you noticed his fingers were twitching at his sides. His voice did sound nervous too, totally out of character for Anakin. Now you felt queasy too. What if he secretly was uncomfortable with you even if he said he wasn’t? Was that it? Should you just leave?

Then, almost too quick for you to catch, Anakin rushed out, “Do you want to eat with me today?”

“Wha- Sure, sure!”

Your body relaxed, all tension draining in that second. So that was as why he was acting so strange. He didn’t have any experience with friendships, you had known that already but seeing it in person was something else entirely.

It was sweet, actually, being his first real friend. Knowing he was just as nervous as you about this new friendship was a relief. Though it still seemed somewhat weird in the back of your mind. He hadn’t acted like this before during any of the other times you had hung out. Never. So why now?

The same feeling sneaked up at you that appeared when you had a word at the tip of your tongue. You just couldn’t grasp it.

“Let me just-“ you fished your comm out of your pocket, “check if I even got time first. Well, according to my planner I was supposed to meet up with some of my other friends first, but I guess I can cancel that since you want to spend time with me.”

At Anakin’s sudden look of uncertainty, you gave him a reassuring smile. “No, don’t worry, they won’t mind! I bet they’re celebrating me actually doing something with someone else besides them. And I...” you fiddled with the neck of your tunic, “I am happy you want to do something together.”

Chapter Text

It was a few weeks after you and Anakin started spending most of your time together, more than with anyone else, that the Temple got it's first real confrontation with the dooming war. The first since the Battle of Geonosis.

You'd been sitting with Anakin when the announcement from the Council came.

Each Knight was going to get a battalion of Clone Troopers assigned to them. All of you. You, your old Master, your friends, Anakin... Everyone.

You were going to war in only a few months, maybe even weeks.

You'd seen the way his face had fallen and his laughter at your joke suddenly stopped, how his mechanical hand hand tightened around the seat underneath him. Only hours later, when he'd left for a meeting with Kenobi, did you spot the imprint left behind my his fingers on it.

When a day later Anakin wasn't showing up for breakfast and neither for lunch or for dinner, you grew worried. You didn't cross paths for the entirety of the day. No message, no call, no encounter. Nobody had seen him and it was concerning.

And now you were standing in front of his room, concerned, waiting for any sign of life.

You knew he was there. There was that overwhelming presence of his weighing down at you again. Dragging and pulling at the Force, so loud and low in it's hum. He was behind that barrier between you.

You knocked against the door again. When he still didn't respond verbally or even by opening the door, you released a loud frustrated groan. Now you actually would have to do what you hadn't wanted to.

Letting your hand wander to the surface of his room's keycard-scanner, you concentrated on the Force. Mind following along the mechanisms, every nook and hole until at last, you found what you were looking for. After sending another soft pulse through the scanner with the Force, nudging the wires inside, the door opened, allowing you to step inside.

The beginning of a headache was pounding against your temples.

The first thing you noticed once you closed the door to Anakin's room behind you were the unfinished scraps of what you'd assumed to be a droid lying crushed in the corner behind the door. Wires and cables lied strewn over the room. The floor, his bed, the gap behind Anakin's dresser. Everywhere.

Mesmerized by the disorder, you almost didn't spot Anakin underneath the masses of blankets he was hiding behind. Anakin wasn't saying anything but you could tell he wasn't sleeping.

His uneven breathing had never seemed louder.

"Anakin?"

You saw the outline of his body move and just when you where about to reach out to him, he suddenly threw them off and sat up, now facing you directly.

He looked horrible.

Eyes rimmed red and purple, you could tell he hadn't been sleeping.

Splotches of dark blue almost black oil and smaller red droplets all over his clothes, his face, his sleeves. You could guess it to be blood.

If he got in another fight there would be major repercussions for him, you faintly remembered so from your Padawan days. It had been hard to miss the many conflicts between him and your other age-mates. Another fight of his was due time, it seemed. But the uncomfortable intuitive feeling of it being his own, didn't want to vanish.

"Are you alright?" you asked, trying not to step on a hydrospanner on the ground.

Breaking into his room was not alright, you knew that. But looking at him now... you were just glad he wasn't dead. He looked fairly close to it. It was scary. He could be mad at you because of your indiscretions later, he'd be in his right, however, now you needed to check up on him.

"I was worried," you said, "for your safety, that something might have happened to you."

"My arm malfunctioned while I was working on that droid," he grit out, pulling up his sleeves all the way, showing you both of his arms. His prosthetic, you saw, was in a state of disassembly, lid popped up and wires sticking out.

The other one was bruised, wearing two deep angry scratches on it's skin. "Pushed that hydrospanner right into my real hand. And then," You could see his glare reflected in the golden shine of his arm, "I couldn't even fix this piece of shit. Can't do anything anymore like I want! Not even use my fucking arm."

Something is missing. The Force whispered to you, getting louder with every word out of Anakin's mouth, with every hysterical shake of his shoulders. Why couldn't the Force ever be quiet? It was suffocating.

For a moment there was only silence. Nobody talked, nobody breathed - just quiet. Then, as if he'd been waiting for it for hours, Anakin finally breathed out. Hard and shaky. Full of rage.

"I am wrong. Everything about me is wrong!"

You allowed your body to sink down next to him on his bed. "Anakin..."

Suddenly he was screaming into his hands. He screamed and screamed and screamed.

"I want you to see me! Just someone, anyone, I want them to look at me and understand! But nobody does. Nobody!"

He lifted his hands to look at you, tears rolling down his cheeks.

"I feel like a mirror. You look at me and see what you want to see. Savior, student, disappointment. But none of you ever see me. None of you care. All of you keep staring at me, keep telling me to be what you want me to be and yet everything I do is wrong! Every emotion I show is wrong! I am wrong! You, the Jedi, everyone, you expect me to love this! To love myself like you do but I-"

You met his stare, saw deeply into his eyes. His sad, tired eyes. Blue. You just looked and looked, as if they would bring you closer to deciphering Anakin's most inner thoughts. Watched them fall shut and open again.

I see you.

You thought back to that day in the showers, to that one moment where it was just you and him looking at each other as if anything had disappeared. The vacant stare in his eyes and then to pain his mind projected. The doom.

Anakin wasn't wrong or a disappointment. He wasn't.

"I wasn't on Geonosis. I can't offer you good advice concerning that... However, I could recommend you to a good mind healer instead if you let me. It can help you, maybe better than releasing your feelings into the Force does for yo-"

"I don't want to talk to a fucking mind healer!" Anakin shouted, punching down into his mattress. You flinched. He had never acted like this before. "I just want you to listen to me for once!"

You raised up both of your hands in apology but Anakin continued.

"I'm sick of being told to repress my feelings! I'm sick of having to act like I don't hate this arm- Having younglings point at me and whisper while everyone around me tries to control what I do and what I am supposed to feel! Nobody understands!"

"Anakin-"

"You don't understand me either. You just see me as the burden you have to carry around wherever you go! Taking away all of the time you could be spending with the ones you actually want to be around, isn't that it? Isn't it how you see me?"

"No. No, it's not how I see you. Not even close." You took one of his hands into your own, not even looking down to see which it was. It didn't matter.

All that mattered was that he understood how much you cared. That someone cared.

He huffed, still breathing heavy and glaring, but he didn't pull his hand away.

"Look at me, Anakin. Come on, please look at me," you said. "I care. I care about how you feel and how you are doing. I want to know when you are feeling off just like I want to know when you are happy. I care about you because you matter to me. Do you hear that, Anakin? You matter to me."

"Ani."

"You matter to me, Ani and I want to understand," you whispered. "But I can't do that if you won't let me see who you are inside."

Two arms wrapped themselves around your middle and you were pulled against Anakin's chest. He held you so tight you almost feared he'd break you apart. You returned the embrace, sagged against him and taking in the soft pine smell of his robes.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm sorry for shouting at you and for making you worry."

"It's okay. I just wish you'd told me earlier that you feel this way. Then we could have talked and I would have listened to you. I really would have."
You felt your hands beginning to cramp in his hold. "But can you-" You winced. "-loosen your arms a little? It's too tight."

Yet his arms only wrapped themselves closer around you until your face was pressed against his neck.

Tighter.

From above you Anakin's voice mumbled, almost incoherently, "Don't leave me. Please don't leave me. Not like... not like her."

And tighter.

"I'm not leaving you, Anakin!"

And-

Hands hitting against his sides.

"Anakin! Please! Please let go!"

The edges of the world blurred, darkening in the corners, your chest burning with every breath you could not take.

You didn't care anymore if your voice turned sterner or if he might feel hurt by your tone. You were scared, you were confused and you needed to get free before he suffocated you in his arms.

You sunk nails into his biceps, digging deep enough to draw blood.

"Anakin, please," you begged.

______________

The walk back to your room was silent. Anakin and you walking side by side the entire way until you opened the door and allowed him to step inside. Pointing him in the direction of your bathroom, you opened your closet and pulled out a fresh sets of robes and some bathing utensils.

You didn't have it in you to let him stay in that room any longer. You'd rather he was here, where you could watch out he wouldn't hurt himself again.

After shutting the closet-door and stuffing everything under one arm, you used the other to open the side-door of your room where Anakin was already waiting.

"Here." You offered him the dark blue towel you'd picked out and a new bottle of soap.

"Thank you."

You shook your head, "It's nothing. What kind of friend would I be if I let you anywhere near the public showers in the state you're in?"

Anakin just nodded silently and began undressing.

You sat down on the closed toilet lid, looking at the tiles to allow Anakin his dignity.

Nudity wasn't shamed and you had seen most of the other Knights your age naked at some point as Younglings during your time in the creche and even later as Padawans.

However, you hadn't known Anakin as a Youngling, didn't have that old bond. The one between you was new, different. You would have had no qualms if the situation was reversed, there was nothing wrong with it. It was just normal, natural. But you didn't know if he'd be comfortable with you seeing him like that and so you adverted your eyes.

He shouldn't be uncomfortable.

You heard the water turn on and the curtain close with a ruffle after Anakin stepped into the tub. Finally, you allowed your head to look up again.

"I want you to know that I am sorry," said Anakin barely audible over the water.

"It's- Anakin, it's fine. You weren't in a good state and I'm not angry. A bit rattled," you admitted, "but I am not mad at you. Don't worry, okay?"

On the inside you were conflicted. Emotions interwoven, unprocessed at the moment, you just sat there, listening to the water. But you truly weren't mad.

You knew that Geonosis had done so much to all of the Jedi that were there and yet you had not formed a connection between Anakin's behaviour before when you'd first interacted and that event. You had never known him before, you couldn't tell if he'd been always like that or if Geonosis was the trigger.

You only wanted him to get better. Yet you wouldn't pry or push anymore than you already had. You'd let him talk at his own pace, if he even wanted to.

The shower turned off.

"Can you give me the towel?" you heard Anakin ask.

You picked it up from the sink where he'd left it and pulled the wet curtain back on instinct, momentarily forgetting that he wasn't one of your other friends. That you should have handed it to him instead.

Too late.

Anakin was sitting down, head resting on his knees, looking at you. Completely unfazed, relaxed. "I don't mind."

You flinched back, suddenly feeling embarrassed even though there was no reason. "Did you read my-"

"No," he reassured you, "I could tell from your behaviour that you were wondering."

"Ah." Your shoulders dropped in relief. Then, "Can I ask you something?"

"You're already asking," Anakin snorted, probably wondering why you were still holding the towel hostage.

You rolled your eyes and pretended you didn't like his jokes. "Haha."

"So, Anakin, what's it with you and glaring at me in showers?" you asked with a sudden onset of assurance. You were joking of course, but it was a question you'd been dying to ask for a while.

"I don't know. You tell me," he replied, glancing at you intently.

A small smile found it way to your lips. "Maybe it's your favorite ploy of sorting out the kinds of friends you keep. Only the strongest of the Jedi can withstand your piercing stare," you teased, lifting the towel to his hair and rubbing through it. "Or you're simply mad at the world." Chest tightening inside, you continued, "You surely reserve the right to after everything that's happened to you in your life."

When you glanced down at him again, Anakin's lips had fallen into a tight line. You couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking right now.

"Anakin, what's wrong?"

Instead of answering, he frowned at you before softly pushing your hand away, sending the dark blue towel flying to the ground. His eyes flickered to your lips.

"Have you ever thought about the possibility that maybe I'm just mad for you?"

Before you had the chance to comprehend what he said, Anakin leaned in and closed the distance between you.

Chapter Text

Anakin walked up and down your room, taking up things one second and putting them down in the next. The air was tense, turning more unbearable the longer you stayed quiet and ignored Anakin's onslaught of breaking emotions.

You could barely breathe. Ever since he had placed his lips over yours moments ago, life seemed to have drained from you. There hadn't been any time for your brain to truly process what had happened or how you might feel about the man you had only considered a friend up till now. Anxiety had set in immediately. Shame and panic.

What you he had done was wrong.

So you pushed him away, wordless and scared, hands shaking painfully.

For a while you sat there, waiting on your bed, until Anakin reemerged from your bathroom, clothed and expression undecipherable. He'd just looked at you, studying you as you were cowering on your bed, head in hands. Just like you were studying him through your fingers. Through your tears.

Then he started talking. About so many things, seemingly every topic that hovered in his mind. You didn't respond, didn't even want to listen, shame latching onto every thought you were scrambling together.

Finally, Anakin set the holo-picture he'd picked up from your desk down, using the Force to lower it next to you on the bed. Now it spotted fresh cracks along the edges, you noticed.

His voice was shaking when he addressed you, though you couldn't tell whether it was out of anger or out of sadness. "You are someone I cannot be with. For me to love you this much as if I were allowed to- As if I were human... it's cruel." Anakin appeared just as shaken as you were, emotions filling in every piece of space in this room.

AngerShameAngerLustAngerLoveAngerSadnessAngerFear

STOP IT, you wanted to scream.

You looked down at your own hands, studying them. What were you doing? Just this conversation, you entertaining thoughts you should not have, all of it was treason. And... and you could not betray the Jedi Order.

However, you were to your very core a person. A person, a woman, an individual, who was lost. Utterly and completely lost in a world that you could not comprehend, someone drowning in feelings of love and lust and so much more. Vulnerable.

"You are a human, Anakin. I am too."

The pacing stopped. "Then why am I not to live like one? Why must I follow a destiny I never chose? Tell me," he whispered, voice raw.

His eyes flickered to you, and you were once more taken in by the power of his gaze. Nobody before him had ever looked at you like this. Like- like you were so much more. Anakin turned away again, cybernetic hand clenching at his side while he repeated his circles in the small confined space of your room. No stillness in any fiber of his.

"This is no better than slavery!” he shouted.

No. The Order might be strict, but it was home. The only family you had ever had was here in the people, the rules, even these walls. How could he compare it to slavery? You were surrounded by love every day, from the first breath in the morning to the last in the night.
Dearly, you loved this life.

Dearly, your mind yet reminded you, dearly you might have loved Anakin too if you had been free to.

You could not deny that a part of you, so deeply hidden in the back of your mind, repressed in a corner, did have romantic feelings for Anakin Skywalker. It had existed in you, come out at the strangest times. In a duel, in conversations, and even-

Even in your first interaction had you felt inexplicably drawn to him. To his presence. He was attractive, yes. But it was the honey-like web of light in him that had called out to you first. While the part of you that considered Anakin solely a friend, your closest companion, was far greater, you would not deny that these other feelings existed still.

You sighed. Nonetheless, he was wrong. You weren't slaves to your religion or your fate, not from your point of view. "Anakin, no. While we might not be-"

"We were taken as children," he interrupted you, "this was never a free choice." Anakin's hands were trembling in barely concealed his rage at the mere suggestion of this being your own free-willed decision, you could tell. "If you had known a life outside the Order first, like I did, you would see it too! None of what you are saying would ever have crossed your mind without years of brainwashing! You- you-"

He kicked against the closest wall, leaving behind a dent.

"Why won't you understand? What we are feeling isn't wrong! How could love ever be wrong?" Anakin screamed. "Why must we experience this anguish and pretend not to? Why?" Another kick. "Why?" One more and then a sob. "Why did my mother have to die?" Now his hands joined in, hitting against the ancient concrete over and over again. "Why did she have to leave me? Why Padmé? Why you now too? I thought-"

In this moment, while Anakin was breaking down in front of you in this very second, you felt so small.

Hovering deep within a hull to big for you, barely controlling the limbs attached to the joints you were able to lift. Unprepared for any of this. That was a good way to portray it, you thought. Or maybe Anakin's analogy of drowning fit as well, it certainly felt that way  right now. Dark water filling your lungs, burning so desperately in never ending pain.

I want time for myself.
I don't want you to make me question this.
Stop it.
Just stop it and let me be.

But you never ended up telling him any of this. Was it fear, your ever present avoidance of conflict or your deep ingrained need for approval stemming from years as a Youngling without a Master? You couldn't tell.

"Alright," you said instead, blinking back tears and swallowing down the ugly feelings bubbling up inside you. Emotions as dark as tar.

Pitiful.

"Alright," you said again. Quieter this time.

Then you got up and enclosed him in your arms, allowing him to sob into your shoulder.

"Alright."

Chapter Text

On your next walk down Temple stairs, out into the city and towards a Senate session, you were quickly joined by another Jedi. It was not Anakin.

Somehow the disconnect between you and those you'd considered your friends had never seemed so big. When had it come to this? That you couldn't even remember the last time you actively thought of them?

"We are worried about you," you were told. "You haven't been taking any of our calls and then when you finally did, you brushed us off in favor for Skywalker."

It was impossible to miss the note of distain coming from your friend with the mention of Anakin. His unpopularity was an open secret. That he and his Master were blamed for Geonosis by some, was the other.

"I just didn't have time," you replied after a moment of thought. "I am sorry.

"But for him?"

D a n g e r

Your feet halted. "You misunderstand."

None of this had been on purpose. It just happened slowly. Gradually. You didn't mean to push the others to the side, didn't mean to cause hurt. However, this did not mean you hadn't. Because you had and now you were forced to confront that knowledge.

"No, I don't think that's the case. There is no way for me to misunderstand. No way at all." The other Jedi crossed her arms, now stopping as well. "We've known each other since our days in the creche. I know you and this," there was a tremble in her voice, "is not like you. You've been spending less and less time with us and now you won't even acknowledge it! In fact, I haven't spoken face to face with you in weeks!"

"Again," you said slowly, "I am sorry. But it's also not fair of everyone to send you as the representative instead of telling me themselves." You breathed out, trying to slow your erratic heartbeat. "It makes me feel ganged up on. Like you are talking about me behind my back."

"We're... we're not ganging up on you," was said, voice softer. "Please don't think that. We just want you back to normal. Without the constant shadow hovering on your side."

You held your tongue. You didn't want to fight your friend. You didn't-

"If you cannot do the same to us, your lifelong friends, then why must you keep taking care of him like this?"

The accusation of attachment was loud and clear.

"I do it, because..." You swallowed down what you wished you could say. "Because he needs help. There is nobody else around who cares. He doesn't have any friends besides Master Kenobi." You met her eyes, pleading for understanding. "No one our age. There's only- There is only me."

"It's not your job. Allow the Council to deal with him like they are supposed to."

As if that would do any good. Anakin wouldn't accept their help if they would ever offer any. It was too late for that, you wanted to say. But as always you kept silent, kept your thoughts to yourself. Speaking up had never ended good. Nobody understood. Not now or ever. Too awkward, too shut off, too quiet - exactly this was why you disliked saying much.

The only person you remotely wanted to express emotions, thoughts, disagreement around... was Anakin.

Anakin, who had somehow become so important. The twisted mirror of their teachings, everything that was wrong about the Jedi. His mere existence, as he lived and breathed and defied every word you'd been brought up with, was wrong. And that unsettled you because Jedi weren't meant to have flaws, weren't meant to have lost lambs, weren't meant to shun their own.

You felt your hands clench around the fabric they were hidden under.

Even if the Order was willing to treat Anakin as their sacrificial lamb, even if you loved the Order more than your life... one day you might love Anakin too. And if there was nobody around to love Anakin Skywalker, then what would happen to him?

There was a hand on your shoulder, grip hard and cold.

"Your thoughts are loud." A cruel look. Pity. Always so horrible and demeaning. Why did they always have to pity you?

"Stop reading me," you whispered. You weren't weak. You might not be the strongest Jedi, might not strike out in any way from the mold or be special, but that didn't make you weak.

She shook her head but finally did let go of you. "You always avoid conflict. It's a waste."

You ignored the comment, pushing down the rise of hurt and guilt, and forced yourself to move again. You had a Senate session to attend.

Chapter Text

Patting yourself down, each breath truly painful, every bit of you so close to crying, you were confronted with reality as the nightmare faded. Drowning in the covers of your bed, you had to remind yourself that you were safely tucked away in the Temple. Away from the war. Away from death and doom and sorrow.

Your nightgown was sweat-soaked, clinging uncomfortably like a second skin... but there was no hole, no lightsaber, protruding from your chest. You were alive. Alive, with your heart rapidly beating in your chest, the last horrid remnant of your dream induced panic.

It was only a dream. Just another of your nightmares. Your subconscious using these horrible thoughts and turning them against you. Fears, regrets, all of them.

You let out a harsh laugh before pushing off the covers fully. It was pathetic. Everything felt like a big cosmic joke that you had no control over. As if you were nothing but a passenger, the eternal onlooker, doomed to observe as the world around you changed. Your feelings weren't constant, neither were your thoughts or your guilt. The world was changing, but you were being left behind.

Your eyes flickered to the comm lying on your nightstand. Weren't you a hypocrite? To tell yourself you didn't feel for Anakin, didn't share that warmth he had for you, while he was the first person you thought of calling. He was the first.

Not your lifelong friends. Not your old Master.
Anakin.

You wanted to call Anakin and listen to his voice. You wanted him to tell you that everything was alright, that you could go back to sleep without fear. You wanted- You- Hand wiping over the now irreversible tears, the embodiment of every way you were failing as a Jedi, you weeped. Weeped because it was too late to deny the emotions inside you. The failing construct you were.

You did like him too.
You did.

Chapter Text

In a quiet corner of the Temple, illuminated by the last lights of Coruscant fading day in from the window, Anakin took your hand into his own, warm thumb tracing your skin as he told you the story of how he reunited with his mother and had fallen for Padmé.

"Then I..." The pressure where your hands met increased as Anakin's voice broke piece by piece. "I felt her die in my arms. It was so sudden- She couldn't even finish her last words. My mother died like a beaten animal and there wasn't anything- There was-"

You squeezed his trembling hand. "Anakin." There was no other word on your mind, no other sound coming close enough to the delicate brewing of emotions in you.

Anakin paused, brushing the palm of artificial hand to wipe away the tears escaping him. He didn't let go of your own in his other. He kept holding it as if it was his lifeline, as if there was nothing else for him.

"I wish I could have done more," he said quietly then. "If I had been there earlier, even just an hour, maybe she would have lived. But I didn't and now all I have left of her is the crushing disappointment hovering over me because I was too late."

"I am sorry, Ani."

He sniffed and his hurt was inescapable. "And so I left with the Padmé after I buried my mother's body." Anakin's eyes fell down towards the construction of metal starting at his bicep. "You know what happens next."

Words had never been your forte. They were scarce, never enough to express the true extent of your thoughts. Disappointing of a Jedi. Lonesome. You took another look at him, trying your best to make your face mirror what you were feeling to your core. Sympathy and sadness. Kinship. However, whatever your exterior was projecting to the word, it only felt flat, not enough.

You grasped the strands of all of those emotions, holding them gently as if they were to break any second, and then reached them outwards towards Anakin.

Anakin pulled you closer, embracing your mind as you did his. Hearts beating together as one.Warmth. Understanding. Love. Here you could touch the cold twists of sorrow, could show him what words could never. Together. Memories, impressions, sounds and then-

You blinked away the sudden scrambled whine in your head. Loud. Harsh. Cold. Almost... almost like screams. You breathed out and it was gone again as if you had imagined it.

Maybe you had imagined it.

______________

Another time, another conversation - and once more you were joined at your hands. Brushing fingers hidden underneath long sleeves and flowing robes, while you sat. A world consisting of only you two.

"Do you want to tell me more about Padmé?"

"I married her."

You kept your hold on him, didn't reject his contact, didn't let the revelation disrupt your thoughts.

"And then?"

"I ruined everything."

______________

Somehow you found yourself sitting on those stairs again. The ones you had talked on during your second meeting.

Everything was the same.

His hair was growing longer, almost back to the original length of the day you'd met. By now his fingers knew every curve and every centimeter of your hand.

Everything was different.

Anakin's eyes were glazed over, at a place too far away for anybody to reach. A happy place. You hoped it was, liked to think so.

Then, slowly, you felt him shifting, placing his head on your shoulder, soft crown of curls brushing against your neck. You took his hand to yours and entwined them. This was the most you were allowed to do - the only acknowledgement you two could ever show of your love under the eyes of the Jedi. Never anything more. However, you would also never show less. You loved him too much not to. Holding him like this? For others it might not be much, might seem like nothing. But for you... it was everything and worth every bit you came too close to brushing the line between allowed and sacrilegious as you sat here together.

Love was still a foreign concept to you, one you were never meant to experience in your lifetime. And yet... And yet you knew you loved Anakin Skywalker. You had told him once, that you loved him and while you didn't dare voice it often, you hoped that he would never be unsure of it.

After a moment of quiet, breath brushing your throat as he spoke, Anakin asked, "Do you think everyone deserves redemption?"

Before answering, you paused, thinking about the irrevocable shame you'd have to face one day if everyone were to know the truth. "Our mistakes don't have to define us forever." You squeezed his hand. "At least, I don't think so."

______________

For all of the tragedy the galaxy was facing now, the Gardens didn't seem to change much.

You turned your eyes from Anakin towards the Younglings chasing each other in circles. If not for them, those fledging moments of reality these ever growing children provided, one could think the Jedi Temple was frozen in time. Cut off from the outside world, immune to the change in seasons. Immune to the growing threat of war.

Like your own personal snow globe. Never changing. Ever the same. Stuck.

Yet somehow still...

Hands wandering to close over your face, you finally admitted, "I feel like I am being left behind."

Unbearable loneliness.

War was coming and you knew it. Couldn't stop it, couldn't save these happy children, couldn't even save yourself.

Anakin's touch was warm and gentle as he pulled your hands away. He looked at you. Looked at you without judgement or pity, looked at you like you looked at him. He understood.

"I know."

Chapter Text

It did not take long to realize that Anakin didn't enjoy bringing up his past relationship.

As he'd told you, thinking about the ever present ache of what was gone, was painful for him. You didn't mind that silence, didn't enjoy pressing into him just so you could learn more. The past was the past and the present was the present. You had each other now and that was all that mattered.

So, when he did mention Padmé Amidala in passing, it took you by surprise.

Anakin looked up from where he was sitting on your floor, the tool he'd been repairing still clutched in his hands. The sudden change from utter concentration to complete disregard was startling, even from your vantage point on your bed.

He asked, "Do you ever feel jealous of her?"

And you wondered why. Why ask now? Why not so long ago? You would never understand the workings of his brain. Your actions, your choices and even your relationship, all of it was like him in a way. Everything but streamlined. Everything but simple. Although, you were similar in these regards, you couldn't ever truly grasp him. You had not expected him to ask this question. Not now or ever. However, that was alright. After all, you were two different people, two individuals, two different brains.

You just would do your best to learn and listen and maybe one day, you would understand him too.

"No, I am not," you replied in all honesty. "Why should I?"

Anakin frowned, putting down his hydrospanner with his artificial limb. "I would be, if I knew that there was someone else out there, who you once loved like this. Like you love me."

Anakin Skywalker, even in all the ways you knew him now, was a very confusing man.

______________

When you lied half asleep in bed, nestled into Anakin's sleeping arms, again you heard that static whine.

Sand.
Blood.

Chapter Text

You held out the cloak towards Anakin. "That's not mine."

"That's the point," Anakin said, having the audacity to push your outstretched arm back against your chest. You frowned. What was his problem with taking back his cloak?

In a tone that left no room for disagreement, he declared, "I'm leaving it in your care until I come back from wherever the Council is sending me and Obi-Wan. You can shove it into my arms the second we reunite, I promise!"

It still didn't feel alright to accept this and you were at a loss of why he was so pushy about this. Your eyes flickered to your closet. You had a cloak that worked perfectly fine.

Why was he so adamant to make you accept his as your own?

You bit your lip. "Are you sure I should have this? You can't just walk around without cloak and- Everything about your idea would only result in a complete hassle for you!" you realized. "They'll issue you an old one in the meantime and I know just how uncomfortable these are." You fingers curled around the dark fabric. "It wouldn't be soft like this one." You shrugged uncomfortably at the memory of when you'd once lost your cloak. "It won't be yours."

Anakin gave you the same exasperated expression you'd often observe him giving your fellow Jedi. "You don't understand," he mumbled. "I want you to have this."

"But why?"

You simply could not comprehend why you were even having this conversation. Was this his attempt at criticizing your wardrobe? Now looking yourself down, you felt a bit self conscious. There was nothing wrong with your choice of robes, was there?

When your head rose again, it was Anakin who had his eyes trained down to the floor, cloak still in the trembling hand pressing it against your chest.

"I'm giving it to you because this way you won't forget me."

Finally, you accepted the cloak, placed it on your bed and folded it quickly so that it wouldn't appear too out of place if anyone were to suddenly rip the door open.

Wrapping your arms around his neck, you just smiled at Anakin, watched as the solemn expression faded in favor of his own beautiful smile. Then you put a tender kiss to Anakin's cheek, close enough to brush the corner of his mouth. "As if I could forget you."

Anakin tilted his head down, came even closer. You didn't mind. Why should you? You loved nothing more than kissing him. 

______________

You knocked on the door to Anakin's room, press of your knuckles maybe even more uncertainly than you usually did, this time holding a bundle in your arms.

"Anakin?"

You heard shuffling, something crashing to the floor and then the door was ripped open to a flushed Anakin. "Yes? Oh-" He broke out in a grin and leaned against the doorway in what he probably thought to be a relaxed position. However, you could feel his excitement and nervousness going haywire like it always did when you were around. And, secretly, it made you very happy to know that you made him feel just as giddy as he did you, even after all these months.

"It's you!" He gave you a peck on the lips, too quick for you to stop it if anyone else had been close. Luckily though, you felt no one else nearby.

You smiled back at him and you wouldn't lie, you definitely felt warmer inside than before. "Who else could it be?"

"Someone less cute like... Obi-Wan." Anakin replied with a shudder, before stepping aside to let you in. Then he closed the door behind you with way too much force. Probably with his metal hand then, you thought.

Anakin's room was just as messy as always. Loose wires on his desk, a half eaten sandwich right next to it, clothes strewn everywhere on the floor and a cracked open suitcase right next to it with even more stuffed inside- Oh. So that had been the loud noise.

You were sure that, if you weren't holding the bundle in your arms, you would have felt one of your hands closing around your wrist by now. "You're already packing?"

Anakin dropped down to the ground and sighed.

"I have to start at some point, whether I like it or not."

Deciding to ignore your own thoughts for a minute, you put what you'd been holding on his desk. However, you made sure to put as safe distance between it and Anakin's sandwich. Anakin had a peculiar taste and you were not willing to have his 'food' stain what you'd been making sure to keep safe. Nope, not on your watch.

Anakin hadn't even noticed. He was too focused on getting his enormous amount of clothes back into his luggage and you were pretty sure they had only gotten there in the first place by a lot of physical force. It seemed that Anakin wasn't that good at packing anything. Obi-Wan had most likely been the one to do all the packing in the past, because there was no way in hell that he'd go on any mission with a suitcase this full.

Now as a Knight though, Anakin could not fall back on his Master's sense of tidiness anymore. He had to do it on his own and, in your honest opinion, was failing miserably at it. However, you wouldn't say that to his face. The other Knight already looked stressed enough as it was. And, you added internally, Anakin would have probably gotten prissy, if you were to insult his packing skills today. He was stubborn like that sometimes, even to the point that you had to hide your snorts in 'fear' of a sudden slap of a pillow when you weren't expecting it.

But on this day, you weren't in the mood for a pillow fight.

So, instead of teasing him as you might normally have, you decided that helping him was the best course. Were those socks packed in singles? What monster packed their clothes like that?

Yes, Anakin definitely needed all the help he could get.

You neatly folded the few of his shirts that had spilled out onto the ground, when the suitcase had fallen down. Then, you placed them next to their rather crumpled siblings on the inside of Anakin's suitcase. Your hands were trembling and it took you three tries until the last shirt resembled anything close to the other ones.

"Can I be honest with you?" you mumbled.

Anakin stilled and then, if only for a moment, there was no sound other than your breathing. In and out.

Inhale.

"I don't want you to go."

Exhale.

Even though you had months to prepare for the reality to hit ... it hurt. Geonosis was still a gaping wound, no closer to healing than it had been before, but that did not matter. The Jedi were soldiers now and Anakin's time had come. He was to fight for a cause few believed in, while you were to remain in the Temple for now.

"I-" Anakin closed his eyes. Now he felt conflicted, it was evaporating from his very presence. Conflicted and scared. Sad. "I don't want to go either, but," he opened his eyes again, "I have to."

You'd expected no other answer. None of you had a choice, you knew that. Still, you couldn't let him go on without the knowledge that you wanted him here. By your side.

So there was nothing else for you to say than, "I know."

You resumed your working and by now the suitcase was almost full again. This time certainly more neat than before.

"Anakin, we'll call right?"

"Of course," he whispered and wrapped his hand around yours. It was the glove of his cybernetic you felt on your skin, but you weren't scared. He was always gentle with you. "I will always make time for you." Then you were pulled against his chest. "And", Anakin whispered then, "I will come back to you. I promise."

You hummed, closed your eyes and let yourself be held by him. In this moment might have been more even comforting than the first time you two had ever done so. Because it might be the last. There was no guarantee you would ever see each other again. No matter what promise or wish. If fate wanted Anakin Skywalker to perish on the frontlines, then he would do so. There was nothing either of you could to to stop it.

"Anakin?"

You heard him laugh before pulling you even closer against himself. "You sure do like saying my name, don't you?"

"It's a pretty one," you replied, not letting yourself be deterred by his soft teasing. "Can you let me get up for a second?"

"But why? I like having you in my lap," he whined.

You tugged at his arms, not even pretending you weren't amused, "So you don't want to see my present for you?"

Oh, at that he sure perked up. "Present?"

"Yes, Ani, a present."

"Well then..." Anakin released his hold on you, though not without pouting and then snatching another kiss. Greedy but sweet, you thought once you retrieved your bundle from where you'd left it on his shitshow of a desk.

You kneeled down to the floor again, cheeks burning just a little when you pushed the gift into Anakin's awaiting arms. "Here."

You held your breath for what felt like an eternity, before Anakin let out any sound. He sat just there, frozen in place, staring at what you'd given him. Your cloak.

You saw him wipe over his eyes, but they were still moist when he turned to look at you. Anakin... Anakin was crying.

"Thank you."

______________

The day you waved Anakin goodbye, as he disappeared down the Republic Cruiser after Kenobi, you were pretty sure his old Master would give him a stern talking to about the official dress code. You were also sure that Anakin would tell you all about it during your next call.

You couldn't wait.

However, when you burrowed your face into the dark fabric of Anakin's cloak, alone in your room, you were only holding back tears by the last string of your strength.

It still smelled like him

Chapter Text

You didn't sleep well.

Gradually you caught yourself chewing on your nails, allowed your tunics to look disheveled, did not take care of new rips and tears of the cloth. One day you even forgot your belt. Your mind was not where it was supposed to be - torn between the constant fear of war and thoughts solely focused on Anakin. It made you feel as if you were maneuvering a breaking ship, both sides tearing and breaking, until at last they both would be floating in the void.

You hated it.

Whenever you were around Anakin, when you got to kiss and hug him and you talked for hours, then you'd forget the guilt and regrets and your fear. In these moments you were truly happy and your mind at peace. With him you felt... Complete. Safe.

Perfect.

"You are beautiful."

"I love you so much it... it hurts me to my very soul."

"I hate when we are apart."

"I miss you."

Your eyes remained on the traffic in Coruscant’s air, following the passing ships from the window of a hallway. Anakin had already been gone for a month. Soon you too, would have to leave the safety of the Temple for a while. Days, weeks, maybe even months. With a war there were no assurances anymore. Anything could happen.

You missed him. Standing here, Anakin's dark cloak on your shoulders, you missed him. You missed him in your room and you missed him in the Gardens. Though, somehow, in that pain there was relief.

Anakin's adoration was an expectation, a constant ideal, you would never be able to truly meet. You felt undeserving. Knowing how much he thought about you, how often - it was gnawing on your insides, heavy and intense, mellowing you out. This love, in all it's happiness and it's pain, it was a weight on your shoulders, pulling you down, crushing you.

You had never asked for this, had you? For yourself to love him more than you ever had anything else. But you did love him and he loved you.

You feared for him when he left for battle, saw him come back more and more desperate for you to soothe his pain. You came too close to death, both of you, and it showed. You worried. You worried for the future. For the Younglings that would never grow old. For the day your rooms would be empty with no traces of you. You didn't want to die and yet with every day, death only seemed to loom closer.

Worrying was all you could do in a war you had no control over.
When you were alone, the fears came back. That maybe the Jedi were right, that, maybe, you shouldn't love. If you didn't love him, part of you said so belittling, then you would not have to worry.

Huddling the cloak closer around yourself, you stepped away from the window.

You hated when Anakin was gone.

Chapter Text

As the cockpit of our star fighter opened, you found yourself nervously looking at everything but the opening glass hull. The mud on your shoes, the smudges of dirt on your hands, the remnants of blood splatter and blaster singes on your cloak- War was everywhere. Not just on the frontlines where Anakin was fighting this moment, while you sat here, useless. You felt fucking useless.

Expecting any assignment to be resolved peaceful was futile. However, this had been your worst off-planet mission and that was saying a lot. All of them had been shit since Geonosis, but this one took the cake. It had been meant to be just the usual. Conflict solving, playing bodyguard, investigations. Maybe it had been naive to expect everything to turn out somewhat normal, for there to not be some sort of horrible, life threatening surprise.

Even if everything had gone wrong -which it did- in the end you hadn't died. You were alive and well, while your fellow brothers and sisters were dying so far away from the Temple. And yet here you were complaining.

The cloak, you remembered with a frustrated twist to your lips and brought yourself back to the present. The cockpit must have been open for minutes already. You hopped out, not wasting any more time you didn't have. There was still a report to be made to the Council, you wanted to take a well deserved shower, and... Anakin's cloak needed to be washed too.

The further you got away from the ship, the faster your steps got. You didn't want to see it any longer or be reminded of who you wished to be here. To be back in your bed was all you yearned for now-

Just when you were passing a dark corner, barely far enough for nobody else to see, two strong arms suddenly wrapped themselves around you, taking you by surprise.

Anakin pressed his face into your hair. "I missed you."

What was he doing here? How?

"I thought you were still on-"

"We got back earlier than expected. Fuck!" The hug tightened and you let out a strangled sob. You were actually hearing him again. Seeing him. No dream. No badly connected call. It was real. Anakin pressed a kiss to your forehead, "I can't believe I'm seeing you again. I just... I'm happy."

"I missed you too, Ani."

Oh and how you had. The only comfort for weeks being the calls you dared to make when nobody was awake. Now, finally, you got to hold him again in your own arms.

Blinking away a stray tear, you laughed. "I did not expect you waiting around for me at all. You actually surprised me. It made me," you took another moment to take him in again. His smile hadn't changed at all. It was still the most beautiful you had ever seen. "It made me happy too. You made me happy."

"I did, didn't I?" Anakin chuckled before leaning down to kiss you. Properly this time.

It was one many times each of you had to wait for the other's return, standing alone in the dark, secretly breathing out in relief at the sight of a ship.Though for now that did not matter. You got to hold onto another, happy and together, and this was all you cared about.

Chapter Text

Some things change.

Anakin had a Padawan now. Ahsoka was nice, a lot like Anakin in many aspects, however, you also thought that she was too young. Children shouldn't have to fight in a war that wasn't their own. But nobody ever asked for your opinion and so you kept quiet, only told Anakin what you truly thought.

______________

You felt Anakin's hand brush against yours when he reached over to take the Alderaanian beans from the serving droid in the cafeteria. He hadn't even looked at what he'd chosen, setting himself up for a bad awakening once he'd stop staring at you like a lovesick puppy.

You two and subtlety - truly a joke.

Going from spending almost every waking moment together to suddenly being months apart with nothing but a few holo-calls to satiate the need for contact... it had been horrible. You were sick of pretending. Truly sick of it.

All it would take was a whisper and someone to point. Maybe they already were.

Maybe the Council knew of you and Anakin, awaiting you to make the final, condemning mistake. It would end with expulsion, two Jedi cast out with nothing to your name. Just another shame in the Order's history. You never dared to look the Council in the eye when seeking out their wisdom. As often as you were there, you knew you would inevitably spill if they looked deeper. Then there would be nothing.

You were threading a fine line.

You walked close enough for your fingers to brush underneath the cover of your sleeves. One touch, nothing more, and you could be holding hands again. But not yet.

Now, as the two of you sat down at a table near the door, face to face, you held your breath and waited. If you hadn't, you might have missed the look of horror your boyfriend sent down at his tray once he'd realized just what he'd loaded up on. Within milliseconds Anakin concealed it under a now rather strained looking smile.

Anakin hated Alderaanian beans.

You hid your laughter underneath a cough, using that moment to take a sip of your water.

Meanwhile, Anakin kept eyeing your plate, where there were definitely no Alderaanian beans, with hunger, resulting in you subtly pulling it farther away from him once you'd set your glass down.

"So," Anakin cleared his throat, "how's your little project going?"

With how the war had been going (terribly that is), you hadn't been the only Jedi to notice how the universal curriculum had began to steadily decline. Most of the actually good educators were either fighting on the frontlines themselves, taking on the overdue duties that were stacking up because too few Knights were there, or had perished. So, you and few other Jedi had taken it upon yourselves to put together at least somewhat of a semblance of an idea to the Council and, somehow, it had not ended in total chaos.

"Good," you said, keeping a definitive eye on the fork in his hand. "The Council's ought to approve only of the last few formalities. I don't understand how they are taking this long to approve a simple study group, while signing off on a war within the blink of an eye." You let out an exhausted groan and massaged your temple. "Remind me to never submit any idea again, Anakin."

He smiled at you, genuine and warm. "Will do. But I am sure it will go fine."

"Here." With a flick of your wrist, and after a look over your shoulder, you switched plates with Anakin, allowing him to dig gleefully into what had originally been your lunch.

"I hope so," you mumbled.

You wished it could always stay like this. You and him, the eternal peace and quiet of those halls. If only...

"I could always blackmail Obi-Wan," Anakin offered with a shrug, causing you to actually roll your eyes.

"I'd rather not! He already gives me enough weird looks, no need for you to make it worse than it already is."

It had taken a while until you and Anakin's former Master had been introduced. Too long. The atmosphere had been off, Anakin more tense than usual with every second, you extremely nervous, and Kenobi a blank wall. It had been the last time you'd spoken more than five minutes with the elder Jedi.

You still didn't know what had gone wrong.

Anakin kicked you from underneath the table. "Since when did you get so cheeky? It thought rolling one's eyes was 'undignified'," he teased, imitating your voice with an uncanny accuracy. You suppressed a shudder. This was worse than hearing him use droid-speak.

You took another sip from your glass, grinning. "I have never said that."

Anakin dramatically lifted his hand in front of his face as if in a bad holo-drama and you'd never been more mortified at what followed, "Your sadness over my absence must have impaired your hearing. For you not to recognize your own voice... Shall I kiss it better?"

This time it was you who kicked him. "Anakin!"

Had he lost his mind?

That was... one hundred percent a quote from the coma episode of 'Between droids and Love' which you had been sure Anakin was not watching! (Unlike you.) He really must have missed you.

Anakin crossed his arms with a self satisfied smirk, totally uncaring of the world or who could have overheard. As usual you still couldn't help but smile right back at him. Though your's was definitely more flustered.

You saw him come closer. Felt his knees brushing against your own, fingers itching to entwine with each other. "That's not a no."

That's when another tray dropped down next to yours and you came face to face with Anakin's newly acquired Padawan, saving you from stammering out a less than dignified response.

Soon enough, you were once again being filled in on the adventures that she, Anakin, and Kenobi had gotten themselves into within the span of the last few months.

However, you definitely noticed there were quiet a few things Anakin had somehow failed to mention when he'd called you over holo. Like a duel with Count Dooku. And from the way Anakin was shrinking underneath your glare, you were sure he, too, had noticed his mistake in letting Ahsoka give you her retelling of their time together.

Anakin had just dug his own grave.

______________

Even as some things change... Others stay the same. Anakin's lips hover over your fingers when nobody was looking. Your smiles lasted too long. You would always walk closer than was orderly.

You kept watching the Younglings in the Gardens. They were fewer now.

You both still had your nightmares.

He never told you what his were about.
You didn't tell him either.

Chapter Text

You awoke to the sound of Anakin's blood curling scream, terrified and scared.

For a moment, you forgot about your own terror, how the cold sweat lied on top of you both, and once more enveloped Anakin in your arms as you always did. As you always would, no matter what.

He clung to you, desperate for any semblance of reality. "I'm sorry! My mom- I'm sorry..."

"Ani, it's okay," you whispered, breath on his skin, hands holding him closer. "I got you. You can cry."

There was no relief when he sacked into you and broke out into quiet sobs. Only pain and suffering thick in the air you breathed and yet another flash of something gruesome in your mind.

A decapitated head lit underneath the blue hue of a saber.

When you opened your eyes again the next morning, you were almost convinced that the image had been nothing but a construct of your own nightmares.

Almost.

______________

So, when the time came, you pushed the overwhelming sense of dread down, pretended the ever present anxiety and fear weren't there. You needed to do this. Needed to.
You had survived the trials - you would survive this too.

"Master Kenobi," you called and rushed up behind the other Jedi, trying your best not to lose him around another badly placed corner of the Temple. That man had an undeniable talent of disappearing when one wasn't paying attention. "May I speak with you?"

A flicker of surprise passed over his features once you had actually managed to catch up and Obi-Wan turned around. You blinked and back was the calm. Like a stone wall.

"Certainly." Obi-Wan gestured beside him and you resumed walking, now at an equal pace. Side by side with him, you stepped further down the hallway.

Then, there was silence.

"I'd like to talk to you about Anakin," you said after a while. "I worry about him with the anniversary of his mother's death coming up..." You gathered the fabric of your sleeve in your hand, stopped the tremble by the skin of your teeth. This was no time to appear weak.

Obi-Wan let out a breath. "It is a shame he hasn't found the time to properly introduce us in more than that long overdue exchange of names before we first left. I am happy to see that someone else cares about him." You were sure you that weren't the only one recalling the merciless years of bullying now that Anakin had faced. "It is a shame," he repeated again and your mouth went dry, "that we haven't gotten to speak like this sooner. I don't think I have seen him quite so possessive about any other friend of his."

His eyes wandered from your cloak to the cord of a necklace peeking out from your neck.
Your entire body froze and there was only one thought on your mind. Does he know? He was still staring at you, that entrapping expression on his face. Yes, you realized, he probably did.

Still, you forced yourself to laugh, pretended not to have seen that look directed at you. However, you were sure the light did not reach your eyes. "Well, that's Anakin. Always so secretive."

Obi-Wan shoulders tensed in a way that you wouldn't have needed the Force to tell you what he was thinking. He didn't believe you. It didn't matter if he did, you thought, hands closing to fists. What mattered was that you got your chance to finally speak about the root of Anakin's worsening state.

"Do you know what happened on Tatooine?"

"His mother died," Obi-Wan answered, confusion palpable in his voice. You had come to him with the request of talking about Anakin's grief, had you not? And now you were asking this question. He must be thinking you an idiot or worse.

Before he got to ask you for clarification, it broke out already of you on your own, "But do you know of anything else?" There had never been a moment when you had been more impatient.

"I am not sure." Obi-Wan paused, placed a hand on his chin. "A lot happened. Geonosis," he sighed and you shifted uncomfortably. "There wasn't any room nor time to properly discuss how he and his mother departed from each other at last. As far as I remember from the mission report, Anakin broke into that village and retrieved the c..." Obi-Wan squeezed his eyes shut, "his mother's body unseen. He came back to burry her at her home before leaving for the arena."

Your shoulders dropped. It was nothing you hadn't already known.

You took a look out of a window and watched the sky. As always, it was truly beautiful. You hadn't even noticed you'd stopped here at this place. At your window. "Would he want to light a candle for her?" you asked quietly.

You heard Obi-Wan stand beside you, his own gaze locked onto the changing horizon.

"Yes. I think," his fingertips brushed the glass, "it will make Anakin happy. He deserves it."

The reflection, your translucent mirror of the world, showed you him looking at you again. You pretended not to notice and Obi-Wan remained silent, didn't address what you both knew to be true.

______________

Through the fog of your dream, you heard your own voice begging. Nothing but the sound of your dying throttle to comfort you in cold and dark. You were dying forgotten. Forever misunderstood.

Forever a failure.

"Anakin, I don't want to die! I don't want to-"

You awoke to Anakin's gentle arms wrapped around you, his eyes roaming over you with concern. When he asked you if you were alright, you swallowed and didn't meet his eyes.

He already had enough problems on his own, you couldn't add even more to the pile. You saw how his own nightmares plagued him day and night, how he flinched and grew more isolated every day. This, you, your relationship, everything... it was his safe space. If you took the last bit of idyll away from him, what would be left for him but pain?

"It's nothing," you whispered, pressing your head into his chest.

But it wasn't nothing.

Chapter Text

You woke up with no explanation or clarity. Only the memory of the painful burn in your chest remained. Again had you dreamed of your death and those thoughts lingered.

______________

You weren't avoiding him on purpose. You really weren't. But after that nightmare, fear still so fresh in your mind, you simply didn't have the strength in you to actively seek Anakin out.

The more shameful part of you also added, that you didn't want to have to worry about those frightening impressions of something horrible that the Force occasionally threw at you in Anakin's proximity, too. Those brief flickers of static blurriness, they were at most seconds. Frightening, terrifying ones, but you could live through seconds if it meant you got to see more of Anakin' smile.

However, having him feature in your nightmares was too much for you. The stress, your growing inadequacy in every aspect of your life, the constant loom of death and pain, the problem of General Grievous, Count Dooku, the splintering Republic... nowadays everything was a bit too much. Even Anakin's love.

You simply wanted some peace and quiet.

So you had your distance, meditated, didn't enter the wings of the Temple where you were sure to have seen Kenobi, Tano or Anakin, and "coincidentally" kept your comm off and yourself busy. You even took on patrol duty voluntarily and you hated nothing more than being forced into uncomfortable situations like dealing with citizens hurling accusations at the closest Jedi. In that case - you.

Though all of that did nothing to deter Anakin from finding you in that abandoned hallway you'd allowed yourself to roam in again for the first time in that week since the nightmare.
The view from there was the best and so you'd found yourself there most of the rare moments you were in the Temple.

Of course Anakin would inevitably come here to talk with you.

He stopped by your side and there had never been a moment in which you'd been more aware of how he seemed tower over you. It made you feel so small, reminded you of the dream.

"You are distraught and I want to know why. You- you can't just disappear on me for a week without a word!"

You heard him shuffle his feet in the way you knew he did when he was uncomfortable. For all his pretense, Anakin wasn't that much better at interactions than you were. When you didn't respond, his voice got even quieter like he was about to cry. "Please. Please, say something! Anything."

"I am not distraught," you denied, spitting out the word like you'd bitten on something sour. You also firmly kept your line of sight on everything but Anakin. Anakin, who was in the right to be concerned and hurt. You were acting horribly, ignoring him even for days, and that guilt made you want to avoid this situation more.

When Anakin suddenly wrapped his cybernetic hand around your arm, you were essentially forced to finally look at him. You couldn't really ignore being attached by the wrist. Well, you could have tried but you doubted that wouldn't make everything even worse. At least it weren't handcuffs.

"Don't lie to me," he pleaded.

Anakin looked like shit. His face was splotchy, there were red rims around his eyes and his hair clung to him like he hadn't washed it in days. "Tell me what's bothering you."

You tugged at your arm, hoping for him to let go of you. He didn't. But he did force his grip to be more gentle.

"I don't... I don't want to bother you," you started. "I dream horrible things, Anakin. I die every night and yet I wake up! It's maddening and I hate it and- You've got more important duties to attend than listening to your girlfriend whine about some nightmares." You closed your eyes. "I am an adult and you don't need to worry."

"But I do worry," Anakin said, brows furrowed. "I need- I want to know when you are sad and when you want to be hugged to feel better. If you have a bad dream, then I want you to come to me instead of dealing with it on your own. You do the same for me. So why I can't do it for you?"

How couldn't he see it? The difference between him and you? It had never been more glaring, never more obvious.

"Because you are more important than me."

"Don't say that!" Anakin shouted and you flinched. "I- Sorry. Just don't say shit like that, alright? You," he let go of your wrist and brought both of his hands up to your face, cupping it between their so contrasting warmth and coolness, "are the most important person in the galaxy."

"I am not-"

The hold on your face tightened.

"You are."

Maybe that look in his eyes was the reason you never brought the gruesome flashes up.

Chapter Text

Ever since the talk and your mostly truthful acknowledgment of the nightmares plaguing you, Anakin begun clinging to you harder than he ever had before. Almost desperately so.

As if he were reclaiming something he had lost.

Kisses turned harder, touches bolder, the glances between you more daring than ever. If anyone would have dared to accuse you of loving him, you would have had no power to find any denial. It was obvious to all eyes. And that part of it scared you, deeply so. Obi-Wan knew. And so did you and Anakin.

Anakin even longer than you.

You’d never dared to ask him just when he’d begun loving you. The intimacy about it was too dark, too harrowing and wrong. There was no way he hadn’t been loving you for far too long, maybe even from the moment you’d first shown him any semblance of kindness. These speculations kept you awake at night, partly out of fear, but also out of shame of wanting too know.

Always. Always was your mind at a constant pull, always tearing at the edges of being shattered between the Jedi and the actual person. Who were you? What was your purpose?

What was wrong and what was right?

The Force offered no answer. For all of the life surrounding you with every breath and every thought, you felt truly alone once more. Nobody understood.

Nobody but Anakin.

However, the wrecking sense of guilt you felt whenever his stare lingered too long and turned to a frown - it prevailed. It sought claim to you and how could it not? Hadn’t you abandoned Anakin and left him on his own?

You knew his thoughts, that these were the words always creeping in the deepest corner of his mind. You felt them vibrating around him ever so often. No matter how much time you designated to spending with him, whether it was the two of you or with his Ahsoka there as well, his secret fear remained a constant tormentor.

Though, in those stolen moments, the only ones you had to yourselves, nothing else seemed to matter.

______________

You brushed a hand over the bridge of your nose, trying to force the pricking sensation away, and checked for the second time that sure door to the training room was locked.

It was.

Your shoulders sagged with relief and a little smile crept on your face. Nobody could see or judge you now. At least not while you were in here with Anakin, setting up the course he had been preparing for a while. It was sweet how dedicated he was to his new teaching role, even sweeter that he’d come to ask you to help. You felt strangely included. But in a good way, even though it was one yet unfamiliar to you.

“I was fairly certain you’d broken my nose the last time we were here,” you said and pat your nose again.

Your body still cringed at the memory of just how incredibly embarrassing you’d behaved after the visit to the infirmary that had followed back then. That he’d remained in love with you after that performance... Force, even for someone as stubborn as Anakin was, he really was persistent, wasn’t he?

Anakin lowered a big box full of equipment with a grunt. When he turned back to you, he was sporting that self satisfied look that was purely Anakin . “And I’ll make sure never to repeat that mistake.”

As if to prove just that, he walked up to you and carefully placed his artificial hand at the back of your neck, tilting your head up with the other.

“Your nose is far too cute,” Anakin whispered, keeping his eyes steady on your own. The intensity truly had a captivating feel to it. You could never quite tell if he wanted fuck you to pieces or if there was an animalistic need to tear you apart and devour you. Your mind never found another way to describe the mix of devotion and utter possession lingering in every look of his.

No matter how long you’d known him now, you would always be amazed you that the two of you had come this far. You’d never expected it and yet you could never have imagined not being with Anakin. Everything would turn out fine as long as you were together.

You placed your hands on his chest, saw them rise and fall again with every shaking breath Anakin took. You wouldn’t deny being breathless yourself at his proximity. Because Anakin was nothing but intoxicating in the most heart wrenching way.

Letting your own thoughts get louder, bolder even, you painted a picture of your feelings for his mind to see. While words certainly weren’t your strength, would never be, you were glad that you could share this with him in ways normal humans could never. For all the Jedi were unnatural to the world, never to be understood or grasped by anyone but themselves, they still gave you this.

They’d given you Anakin.

Anakin, whose eyes turned half-lidded while his breathing grew harsher the closer he came to you kissing you. Anakin, who you loved more than anything in this life.

You licked over your lips, wanting so desperately, and closed your eyes for a kiss that never came. Instead Anakin had pressed his lips to the tip of your nose, gentle and strangely sweet.

He repeated the gesture, laughing even at your perplexed expression. “I love you.”

There was no moment of hesitation before you curled your hands around the front of his robes and gave into the urge of kissing him. You kissed Anakin with all the love you had for him, heart swelling with pride when you heard him let out a sigh.

No words would ever come close to conveying the depth of your feelings. Actions could, and you would do your best to prove it to him for as long as you had the power to. Life, death, the Force and beyond - you would love Anakin eternally. But... even though you loved him, it was getting harder to ignore how difficult everything was becoming lately.

You didn’t know what to fear more - the screeching glimpses of the past you got from Anakin’s head or the looming embrace of what might one day become your future.

You only knew fear.

Chapter Text

For weeks there had been the first inklings of a bad feeling brewing within you. The closer the anniversary of Geonosis was, the worse it got. Especially around Anakin. You could tell he wasn't doing well lately, maybe even worse than usual. These feeling were confirmed the very moment you entered your room after coming back from yet another consultation with the Council.

Anakin was sitting on the bed, uninvited, radiating waves of blazing cold anger, and currently occupied with picking his glove apart. He was also, as far as you knew, missing his Friday visit at the Chancellor's office. You closed the door behind you and locked it. With the way Anakin was stewing, you couldn't have anyone else storming in uninvited.

You became more concerned after you took a glance at your comm. You were right, Anakin should have been with the Chancellor right about now. So why was he here in your room instead? Had something happened?

"Is everything alright?"

"There's a vote in the Senate today," Anakin informed you, working on his glove as if you had never entered at all. The abrasiveness in his tone almost made you feel like you were the one intruding.

You dropped down next to him on your bed, ignoring that tight feeling in your gut. "And what is the problem with that? The Chancellor is your friend, Ani," you assured him. "He'll make time for you."

Anakin grunted once the final clasp pulling at the clasps he had come undone and been disassembled by him. Then he put them back together and repeated the process. You weren't given another glance. Still, he wasn't pulling away from you when your knee brushed against his. He wasn't shouting. That was good. Definitely an improvement to the last time... You couldn't shake the sense of deja vu away.

"If there's a vote," Anakin said, as if you ought to know it already, hand tugging so hard at the leather that you feared it would rip, "then Padmé is going to be there. With how we ended things... I am not sure if I can face seeing her today. Maybe never." Anakin stopped his fidgeting and his shoulders dropped. "I don't want to be reminded that I wasn't good enough for her to stay."

You remained silent. Just the mental image of avoiding someone, avoiding Anakin if you two ever broke, sent nervous shivers up your spine.. This wasn't anything you had ever had to deal with and, honestly, neither would you ever want to. Because by allowing them to linger in your mind and soul, you would give these thoughts permission to become real.

Jedi were not meant to deal with such parts of life. They weren't brought up to experience them or to even comfort one another. Girlfriends and boyfriends were.

Wasn't that what you two had become?
Wasn't it your duty to comfort him?

Once again you were at an impasse as to who you were. Yet, this you could deal with at another day. Now, the least you could do was having this conversation with Anakin when he needed you too. No matter how uncomfortable you were with the topic - you owed him this at the very least. But although you were racking your brain, you were simply at a loss for words and remained silent, didn't have a response at hand.

Whether it be the repressed emotion of what might one day become jealousy, your exhaustion and annoyance from the Council's advice, or the nagging fear and uncertainty that came with Anakin's cold treatment of you today - You had never been more aware of how out of bounds you were with this and you would have liked nothing better than for it all to disappear into the Force.

For Anakin though, you tried.

However, when his agitation spiked before you had the chance to say anything, you realized that maybe you had been silent for too long.

"Are you going to tell me that I'm being childish?" Anakin asked, defensive and hard. He pulled his leg away from yours, clutched the glove closer to his chest.

"Anakin, I wasn't..." You just stopped, placed your head on your arm and breathed. Why did everybody always have to think the worst of you? Did your words seem that cruel when you did open your mouth for once? Was that it? No, you couldn't take this personally. Anakin was only turmoiled. He didn't mean it.

"I was going to say that I could accompany you to the Chancellor's office and wait outside until you are done. I thought that it might be easier if you weren't alone."

"Doesn't matter anymore," Anakin replied. His voice was deathly quiet, angry even. "If you hadn't gone to suck up to the Council, then we could have done that earlier. Now it's already too late."

"You can't be serious right now," you laughed, halfway up to hysteria at this point. "This is neither my or the Council's fault, Anakin. It was important. You can't blame this on-"

Anakin's lips curled. "So it's mine? Is that what you are saying?"

"What? No, I- I am not!"

You were being too loud, you reminded yourself. If anyone heard the two of you fighting like this, then your relationship soon would not be a secret any longer and you'd stand trial in front of the Council.

"Please, don't twist my words around," you told him, tone steadily approaching the Jedi facet you'd normally force yourself not to use on him. You knew it made Anakin uneasy. He had admitted to you once, on a long past quiet day, that it reminded him of the judgement he had to face every day by the other members of the Order. Yet, in moments of distress, it was hard for you to concentrate on not to falling back to using it.

"Oh no," Anakin laughed, though he was scowling. You truly hated when he looked at anyone like that. Most of all when he used that look on you. "It is what you are thinking, isn't it? It's what everybody has been thinking since the day I stepped into this fucking Temple!"

"You are overreacting."

This was the wrong thing to say.

Anakin stood up, drawing himself up to his full height. Every muscle of his was tensed. He didn't respond at all, only stared. And now you were fully sure he was about to scream at you.

His arm curled.

"Please, Anakin, at least mind your volume-"

Anakin's glove crashed into your desk and you squeezed your eyes shut, forced yourself not to scream in fear. The crash of glass breaking was unbearably loud. You could only hope it wasn't your datapad.

When you opened your eyes again, it was to Anakin was staring back at you, breathing heavily. Physically calmer but mind still surging with in rage and hurt. "Don't use that goddamn tone on me! Use it on the Council for all I care, but fucking talk to me like a normal person instead of patronizing me!"

This time you didn't stop back your teeth from grinding together nor your hands from tightening to fists.

"You come to my room uninvited, let your anger out on me and my furniture, dare to accuse me of sucking up to the Council, and then you go on to complain about my tone?" You straightened up your shoulders, doing your best to hold his eyes. "I am not going to talk with you like this. I understand that you are," you struggled to hold back your deep-rooted distaste at the next words, still so very Jedi to the core,"emotional due to the proximity with your ex-wife. However, avoiding the actual issue-"

Anakin lifted up an arm in your direction, trembling with anger. "You don't have any room to speak! You don't get to tell me not to avoid my problems when that is all you ever do once you realize you cannot deal with your own emotions! You didn't speak to me for a week! How do you think I felt?"

Of course he would bring that up now. How many times would you have to apologize until he understood you were sorry?

"We've already talked about this!" you cried. "It's not the current issue at hand!"

"And I am making it the the current issue then!" Anakin screamed right back at you. "You can make time for the Council? Then you can spare time for this too!"

"You know what?" You pointed at the door. "You can get out. Talk to me when you've calmed down."

Anakin sneered but he did pick up his glove and left, however, this time you didn't care to know where to. When you were sure he wasn't going to storm back in, you took up a broom and began cleaning up the shards of glass left behind on the floor.

It had been your desk-lamp he'd hit.

Chapter Text

No dreams came to you this night. Only a hollow emptiness - foggy and quiet. Though even then your sleep was interrupted.

Somebody had knocked on your door.

______________

Your grip on the door handle turned more forceful. "Hey."

"Can I come inside?"

"Sure," you said and made some room. However, you certainly did not pretend to be enthused. You weren't. But... Anakin was still your boyfriend and you didn't feel like being an asshole today unless he'd give you a reason to. You hoped he wouldn't.

You closed the Anakin behind him and when you turned around again, Anakin was sitting on your desk chair, one knee bopping, his prosthesis brushing through his hands once, then falling down again to his lap, limp. Yet Anakin didn't utter any word. He just looked conflicted, lip bitten down, eyebrows furrowed, unable to meet your eyes.

One of your own hands wandered to your throat, resting there, fingers fiddling with the charm of your necklace. You hated this silence and now your room was this, silent. "So," you mumbled eventually, coming to stand in front of Anakin, "what is it you want now in the middle of the-"

"I'm sorry."

You had expected everything but an apology.

Anakin was stubborn, held grudges and he rarely admitted faults when he fought. Normally it was you who caved in first and offered amends or apologies, no matter who you interacted with. Sometimes just because the dark emotions were too heavy to carry for a long time. Painful. Those were the times you didn't mean it, only let your mind push yourself out of exhaustion and self-preservation . The both of you were very different in these regards, you thought. Anakin's apologies were rare but they were always sincere.

Yours weren't.

And yet he'd treat you like you were an perfect angel that never could do any wrong. Just another thing that made you insecure in who you were inside, like you were a disappointment and he'd realize it one day.

Still, your breath stuttered. "You are?"

The chair was pushed back and you found yourself faced with Anakin's intense gaze again. Penetrating blue directed at you. Enraged.

"I wouldn't lie about something like-" Anakin took a deep breath and forced his hands to still. They'd balled to fists at your question. "I am. What I did wasn't right. From blaming you to," he as eyeing the space next to him where your lamp would usually be, "this. I've just been so angry lately," he whispered.

"I am doing everything wrong and everyone keeps reminding me. Everyone but you and then I even managed to ruin this. You didn't do anything to deserve my and You deserve better than this shitty apology but I-" I can't give you better. Can't even give myself better." Anakin's fingers tensed again. "There's nothing I am able to offer you but my love, if you still want it. I would... I would understand if you wouldn't anymore."

"Anakin..."

His hand lifted to tenderly brush over where cord met your throat. It lingered there.

"You're still wearing it."

You swallowed. "Of course I am. We've only had a fight, there is no reason for me to-"

You were pulled into a tight, almost uncomfortably so, embrace. Anakin's face pressed into the side of your throat, dropping cold tears onto your skin. You couldn't even hug him back or stroke through his hair in comfort. Your own arms were stuck at your sides and his wrapped around them.

"Anakin?"

"I am glad... I-" Anakin turned quiet. Then his hold loosed and you got to look at him again. And although those feelings of anger, hurt and even jealousy remained, you couldn't help but smile at him. Yet it was an unsure one, maybe even a little bit forced. You would never admit it to him but sometimes Anakin's sudden outbursts of emotion were a overwhelming. Just... very confusing even now.

"Do you know why I gave you this?"

Your head felt heavy now. Empty. "I don't think so."

His fingers were so cold today. They'd always seemed so warm to you.

"When I was younger," he said, unusually solemn, "I'd always asked my mother why she didn't have a necklace of her own. She would tell me-" Anakin blinked quickly before continuing, "I don't need a necklace when I have you, Ani. She would always say it with the biggest smile and I thought it would be enough to keep her happy. T-that everything would end like in the fairytales." Anakin let go of the cord. "I gave this to you, because necklaces signify eternal love on Tatooine." He laughed harshly. "Even slaves can make them. And I thought, if I promised you my love, even without you knowing it, then maybe wouldn't fuck this up. I thought could do better this time around- I-"

You faltered, felt something in you giving in, overtaking the part of you that was angry at Anakin. Like it always would eventually. You didn't want to fight, didn't want to be mad at him and he was offering an end to this. Forgiving him. Maybe-

Your eyes shut at the sudden ringing in your ears. It pulsated, overtaking every other sense. The world ceased to exist. There was only the sound and you, no breath, no thought. Darkness. I CAN FIX THIS! The words were ineligible, cracking as if through the speaker of a broken comm. Everything was distorted by the Force, breaking at the edges of reality. No heartbeat. Emptiness and the voice. Anger. Rage. "-HEART IS! I NEED YOU!"

Your hands twisted themselves into your ears, desperate, deep enough for nails to bite into flesh. You needed to come back to reality. This was wrong. False. This wasn't real. You were in your room, not- "SHUT UP!"

"Stop..."

Through the milky veil in between you and the vision you saw Anakin coming closer, face filled with concern. "What is it?" Everything kept flickering in and out. "Hey!"

You couldn't breathe, you couldn’t even think. There was nothing but these words. Nothing. The noise only got louder-

Anakin's hands were curled around your arms, forced your own to still their harrowing tearing and scratching. "Please, stop," he begged. Your nails were bloodied and yet he cradling your hands as if they were something precious.

Slowly, the fog disappeared. The veil lifted, the words and then the cold fading, until only yourself was left, confused and in pain. Suffering.

"What was this?" Anakin asked. He didn't let go of you and you leaned into his touch, grounding yourself in the way his touch felt.

You were real. There was no void.

"I... I don't want to think about it," you answered quietly. Your voice hurt terribly as if you'd been screaming for hours. You sighed and closed your eyes, vanished all thoughts. There was no void. There was only Anakin and his warmth. No darkness. No doom.

"Anakin," you whispered and looked up, forced yourself to smile, " I forgive you and-" You took a deep breath. "I am sorry too. I want you to know that."

Anakin smiled and then his lips were on yours.

You didn't feel bad for lying. After all, the world was alright again. There was no void and there was no fight. Only Anakin and you. The broken pieces of your world reassembled. Wasn't that what mattered? None of this would happen again. You would become better at ignoring your dreams, at forgetting Anakin's dreamscape and the darkness in your mind. There would be no more fights or jealousy. You would do better and-

You erupted into tears and burrowed your face into Anakin's shoulder.

You didn't know how much longer you could take any of this if even the Force sought to torment you.

Chapter Text

There was a truly jarring feeling about the realization how much time had passed since the Geonosis. Quiet, unspoken, but unforgotten.

Jedi did not remember the dead like the ones untouched by the Force did. The dead were burned not buried, rejoining the Force and achieving ultimate enlightenment.

Your lack of tears might have seemed cold to others, the cruelest form of rejection, however, you would never see it that way. For you it was home - the only way you knew to live through the passing of others. You were a Jedi foremost and Jedi were beyond earthly bindings, they had to be. In this painlessness was peace.  Had been peace.

Not any longer. Not since...

You took another look at the drawer you had opened, your hand lingering on the knob.

The five white candles were still where you had left them, undisturbed and cold. Unblemished. All for today. Each candle, so you knew even from before your days as an apprentice, stood for a pillar of the code, had the words etched into them. Each candle was to be burned in remembrance of the slain.

You finally let go of the metal to trace over the rough surface of the sixth candle. It was blue. It also had a name written on it. There was no doubt you should never have entertained the thought or have put it in the drawer with the others. However, that the least grave of your betrayals towards the Order's teachings.

This candle was for Shmi.

You still wondered if what you were doing was right. Doubt was your constant companion, hovering over your head unseen and unheard by everyone but you.

This was wrong and you knew it. It was truly pathetic that you were involved in an indecent relationship with another Knight, yet somehow kept focusing on this one candle as if that was somehow worse than what you'd been hiding for shy of a year.

Yes, according to the little voice in your head, this was wrong, but you could push your own feelings and biases aside for this, if it meant that Anakin got a space to grieve his mother. The mother he had known and cherished and got to grow up with, unlike any of you. Anakin still remembered her - would always do so, simply because the Jedi had failed in finding him earlier

So, he deserved this. He simply did and you would do your best to let him grieve. If he couldn't come to anyone to talk about what he lost, then he should always be able to come to you. No matter what.

If he'd want to, you would be there.

______________

You didn't mind waiting. You got through months of separation from the person closest to you, had survived endless grueling missions. If there was one thing you could force yourself to be, then it was patient.

Still, standing alone in the hallway in front of the Chancellor's office was a bit awkward.

Normally it wasn't that bad, after all you had to come to the Senate often enough if you wanted to listen in on sessions, but you weren't blind to the barely concealed glances people kept sending towards you today. It was maddening. You knew their sympathy was born out of nothing but kindness... and still, it was truly uncomfortable for you, almost suffocating.

Everything was heavy with emotions in a way the Temple never was, and all you wanted was to go back to your quarters.

However, you'd promised yourself that you were going to surprise Anakin. You could do this.

You just needed to wait a little while longer and then you were going to go back home together. Anakin and you didn’t get to see each other all day. He had been gone already when you woke up, the only sign of life you were given being a short message hours later, which informed you that he was here, in the Chancellor's office.

"-ces."

You blinked, head snapping away from the door you'd been eyeing. "I am sorry, what did you say?"

"I was," the Senator worker grimaced, his feet now shuffling awkwardly, stuck in place, "I was just offering you my condolences, Master Jedi. It cannot be easy being here on this day."

You'd seen him around before, you realized. He was the human assistant to... the Senator of Manaan? Yes, probably Manaan, you decided. Though you couldn't remember his name and you surely weren't going to ask now. It would have been to awkward. You could just check a staff list at another point or even better, completely avoid everything and anything relating to Manaan and therefore all related to not knowing this name.

"Oh," you eventually responded. " That is very kind of you, but..." Your hand wandered to your neck, fidgeting with the cord of your necklace. "It is not in the nature of my beliefs as a Jedi to perceive death as finality. The Force is eternal and death is nothing but a reunion with what created us."

"Uh, alright." He nodded, and you gave him a small smile, although, you could tell he did not get it. You didn't hold it against him. The Jedi ways was incomprehensible even to it's own members - naturally you wouldn't expect a stranger to understand.

"But isn't that a lonely way to live life? Jedi must get sad too, don't they?"

"I-"

You were about to respond and disagree with him, when you heard the door finally falling open, followed by the distinct sound of boots stomping towards you. Suddenly, the world was forgotten and you turned around, face to face with Anakin once more.

"What are you doing here?" Anakin asked, smile tugging at his lips.

"I was-" You felt yourself grinning, not even pretending not to be. "I was waiting for you."

You saw Anakin's eyes flicker to something above your left shoulder and his smile fell, body straightening up to his full height. "I don't think we have been introduced."

Now your own smile was gone.

______________

Anakin lifted his head from your pillow. "I'm sorry for earlier."

You rolled over, arm now resting across his chest, head following after.

"Just don't- I..." You let out a sigh. "I don't know. I don't want us to fight over stuff like this. Especially not today. You really shouldn't have to apologize on this day, I think."

Anakin's metal arm wrapped settled on your back and his voice got quieter, "But I want to and I am sorry. I mean it."

"I know."

Your let your eyes fall onto your bedstand. The candles were still there, waiting. You hadn't had the chance to light them yet, there simply had been not the right time. Not when Anakin hadn't brought up the topic of his own. So you'd resigned yourself to simply enjoying this quiet evening together. A world with nothing bu you two. No reality or pain.

Maybe... maybe you should simply talk to him and ask him if he'd like to light the candles.

"Ani?"

You felt yourself being snuggled closer, heard him mumble into the top of your hair, halfway lost in sleeps gentle arms. "Hmm?"

"Do you remember the passing rites?" you whispered.

"The candle stuff?"

No you were snickering, lifting yourself up from Anakin's chest so that you could look him in the face. "Yes, Ani. The candle stuff."

Anakin sat up by his elbows. "Why are you asking?"

You paused, struggling to find the right words. You didn't find them. Instead you used the Force and pulled the drawer open, calling the six candles into your hand.

"I don't want to overstep," you mumbled and forced yourself to keep his eye, the contact now feeling uncertain within you. "I kept thinking about Geonosis, kept remembering who was lost, and in the end my thoughts would always come back to you. To you and..." You pressed the blue candle into his left hand. "To your mother as well."

You heard him let out a ragged breath. "You have?"

Nodding slowly, you responded with the honest truth, "I thought you should be able to grieve her. It's her death anniversary too. Do you to-" you paused when his hand entwined with your own.

"Thank you."

And when Anakin and you were kneeling side by side as the candle burning, both of you engulfed deeply into the Force, united in spirit and presence, for the first time in a while you felt as if everything would end well.

There was peace and there was quiet.
There was-

Sand. Tatooine? The painful strain enveloped your head. There was no air - there was no life. A child running, crying for help. Wooden staffs. The ache kept growing, pulling you under it's waves. Decay.

Then again came the pain of death that wasn't yet, hazy impressions of a burn in your chest. Vision flickering between the sight of a burning village and your own death. Static tuning in and out without relent. Without care or mercy, as if you were only a tool to broadcast this frequency to.

Torture.

This was torture.

Reality split apart and came whole again, milky white void disappearing. Left behind was only you, blinking in a daze, and you couldn't ignore the obvious constant anymore. You just couldn't.

You felt Anakin shift next to you, his concern wavering over to you in thick waves. He'd been more concerned than ever since what happened the last time and you were sure he had noticed what happened this time around too. There was no point in pretending.

But this wasn't about you, was it?

This was about Anakin. The first vision had been with him, and the dreams too had started when you'd grown close to him, hadn't they? And it was Anakin who- who murdered you in your nightmares.

It was always him.
His angry eyes that would stare through you, his saber in your chest, his nightmares of death and slaughter you kept seeing flashes of.

But Anakin would never hurt anyone. He would never hurt you or... kill you. Never.

You stroked over your own arm, trying to offer yourself comfort and force some warmth into your trembling limbs. The cold had never settled so deep before. You felt as if you would never grow warm, alive, again.

"Ani, why are you so adamant not to get help about your nightmares?" you started, ignoring how out of nowhere it must seem to him or how targeted - how insulting.

"Talking could help you," you continued and forced away the tears pricking in your eyes. "Talk to me, please. All I want is for you to get better, to not have to see you suffer everyday. You shouldn't have to live with those nightmares.”

Pathetic. You were so selfish.

“And... I shouldn't have to either. I see your dreams, Anakin. I tired to pretend I wasn't, but I can't anymore. It's," you stopped. "It's too much. I cannot pretend anymore when I know the screams and the pain by heart."

If he confirmed this to be a cruel trick by the dark side, told you that you were weak and straying from your path, then you mustn't fear him.

You would be able to pretend not to flinch with fear when you saw his saber. You could stop wondering about his past. All of this.. it would be if you'd imagined it. If his nightmares weren't real, then you wouldn't have to fear any potential of the distorted future coming true. And maybe he would get better too, would stop crying out in his sleep.

Anakin swallowed and for a moment he looked down at you as if he were considering sharing the invisible burden he was carrying on his shoulders, riddled with guilt.

The anticipation almost stopped you from breathing.

But then he dropped his gaze from yours as if struck, a solemn expression settling itself over his face and you felt like you had failed. You didn't even know if you had failed yourself, the Order, Anakin or his mental assessment of your trustworthiness. You just knew that you failed something, someone.

Anakin placed his own gloved hand over yours, stopped you from your from relentlessly rubbing the skin of your arm raw. "I am sorry you have to see any of it."

The cold remained and your felt yourself falling further down the hole. "You aren't going to tell me, are you?"

He shook his head. "No."

"But why?" you whispered, voice breaking. He was hounded by his demons ever single day. Every single night.

And yet he didn't want help, rejected every talk of mind healers, rejected this too. Not even when he knew you bore witness to his nightmares. Why?

"I can't. I just can't."

And somehow the silence in his words was worse than if he had shouted them.

Chapter Text

For the first time in a while you were actually by yourself, silent and alone in the corner of the cafeteria you'd chosen to eat in.

Anakin was busy running around somewhere with Kenobi and Ahsoka, and you found yourself facing rare solitude. No lively chatter that made you forget. Only that painful silence. Nothing but time for you to sort out your thoughts on what had been happening.

You had promised Anakin that you would stop thinking about it, and you had tried. You really had. But how? Just how could you ever torch those screams from your mind? How could Anakin ask this of you when you had no escape from his dreams? No escape but keeping your distance and not being by his side.

Part of wanted it, craved that distance even, would have been able to deal with it for a while, however-

You stared down at your hands.

It wasn't something you weren't willing to do again. Not after you'd seen the wreck he had turned to after only a week and the fight afterwards. Not... not when you were the one to witness the wreck he became whenever the war separated you from each other.

It would have been cruel of you, right? If you shared those thoughts with him. He might have thought you didn't love him, that you despised his very presence. And maybe he would hate you then - see you for who you really were, a selfish human being. Force, you hated how prefect he thought you to be. You were everything but that. You were pathetic, too silent, too cold too-

Everything he wasn't.

Everything Padmé surely wouldn't have been. Though, where was your room to speak for her? You had none. She'd left Anakin and he was with you now, but slowly, quiet and aching, jealousy had crept into your heart. Jealousy over the effect she still had over him, the way he'd treated you just because of the pain of possibly being faced with the reminder of her rejection. Was it sad that you hadn't forgotten although he had apologized to you? Probably.

You couldn't forget many things.
Too many.

You just wanted to know Anakin he would never... let your nightmares come true, that he didn't possess the evil in himself to slaughter as he did in that village in his mind. You asked for nothing more. Nothing more, you thought again. You wanted honesty and still, you were too scared to be it yourself. Because, if you ever told him that he was the one who dealt your distorted mirror the final blow, he would break to pieces.

The food looked disgusting now, mocking you from your tray.

Anakin's nightmares weren't in your ability to deal with anymore - your embrace would never fill the hole those dreams were caving into his body and soul. It hurt to see him like this. But it also hurt to see his nightmares through your own eyes, maybe even more than your own terrible dreamscape. Sometimes you thought so.

Other times you found yourself so close to begging Anakin: "Speak to me! Tell me you'd never hurt me like this, promise me it's only my mind playing tricks." Yet, of course, you didn't. You knew he wouldn't speak to you about what he saw at night, and you wondered if he'd have told Padme.

The sleeve of your tunic was rough your fists, chafing painfully. Who did you even have that you could turn to with this? You needed someone to speak to. Anyone. Simply one person who could assure you that you weren't insane or cruel, a friendly voice that wasn't indebted to you through love.

There was...

There was no one.

______________

In the end, you'd only ended up in that hallway again. The one with the window so shiny and clear that you could pretend to dream a little while longer as the horizon changed it's colours. How long had you been standing here? You didn't know any more at this point, too many days spent here, gazing into nothing and yet everything.

Today it didn't go like this.

Echoes of familiar footsteps had ripped you out of your contemplations and then you were frozen. Voices came closer. Voices you'd heard your entire life, had whispered secrets to, and explored the Temple with.

Within the blink of an eye, this corner of the galaxy wasn't empty anymore.

For a moment, just one moment, you stared down the hallway and watched those that had once been your dearest friends. It was easy to imagine yourself amongst them again, laughing just as they were. Happy. They looked so happy and- part of you longed to return to the good times, to be their friend again.

You sighed and turned back to the window, stared outside to where the world never seemed to stop. Pathetic.

Why were you considering these thoughts?

You'd chosen Anakin. Anakin, who they openly despised. Anakin, who they'd already thought you to be too close to a year ago. The one person who had felt even more lonely than you'd ever thought anyone could.

And it would have been too late anyway, even if you'd wanted to. Almost a year. How could it have been a year already since you spoke more with them than a hollow greeting in passing? But they'd also hadn't made any attempts, had they? You had never been their equal, had always been the last choice in everything. The weakest link.

You'd chosen and you were happy with what you had.

You were.

The group passed by you, not one pair of eyes reflected in the glass paying you any mind. And though, you felt the imprint left behind by the softest squeeze to your hand. Yes, for one moment there had been fingers that brushed against your own, ones that had curled and grasped and squeezed. Yet they had not turned around, hadn't stopped and voiced their thoughts. You hadn't either.

You began walking. And walked and walked.
Kept on walking until your legs hurt.

Alone.
Silent.

Chapter Text

You studied yourself in the bathroom mirror. The reflection looked back, tired, sallow, and somehow incredibly sad. But by now you were used to it.

Anakin popped up behind you, wrapping his arms across the front of your shoulders.

"I look like shit," was your rather frank response. Today you didn't have the energy for any euphemisms or to uphold the pretense that you couldn't see the change happening in front your very eyes.

Anakin laughed at that, nesting his face in the curve of your neck while he caught his breath. "Never."

"Sure thing."

"I wouldn't lie to you. To me you are the most beautiful person in the galaxy, inside and out."

You got quiet. Gave him a noncommittal grunt, before you saw his smile fading, replaced with concern. It wasn't the comment on your appearance that you bothered you, you could have cared less about it. He sounded so earnest in his assurance. But how could you trust him never to lie to your face, when he couldn't bring himself to trust you with his nightmares?

"Are you mad at me?"

"No, I'm not mad at you. It's nothing."

"Come on," Anakin replied, tone very carefully chosen. He could tell that he was threading a very fine line now. "It can't be nothing if you're frowning like this."

You massaged your temple, cursing your headache internally. "Sorry, Anakin. I'm just stressed with everything lately. Not your fault." Not entirely, the angriest part of you supplied. It was the part of yourself that you disliked the most.

Anakin's hair was tickling your cheek when he gave it a kiss and you smiled genuinely, felt a bit better at the familiar contact.

"Don't worry," he said. "I understand."

Your smile turned sad in that moment, eyes fixated on the doppelgängers behind the glass surface. You weren't the only one who was changing. Anakin, as well, was starting to become a shadow of his self, the circles underlining his glassy eyes as dark as bruises. Yet, there was familiarity too. His smile was the same. The loving look was directing at you had not changed either, just as star struck and loving as it always was.

And, somehow, you felt like a bad person once again.

You tugged his arm closer and leaned back against his chest, closed your eyes. "We have so few happy moments, Ani. Nowadays we either don't see each other at all or we're cooped up in my room like life stock and I... I feel like I am ruining this one already."

"You put too much pressure on yourself," you heard him say, unusually tender in his response. "I don't want you to feel this way. Not here, where you should feel safe."

"It's hard."

"I know," he sighed, "I know."

______________

You were in the Archives now, bowed over a book, brows creased and head aching once more. None of this was helping. None of this could tell you any more about the foreboding dreams you witnessed, and neither explained anything else you wanted to know.

But this one and those other books you'd stacked up next to you on the table, were the only sources you could use. The research computers had directed you to these, had denied you access to more useful, better ones. That was the unfairness of the Order you had been brought up in. Knowledge was endless and yet only the most enlightened ones were deemed good enough to see. Now you understood Anakin's ambitions of becoming a Master. At least partly. This would have been so much easier then, wouldn't it?

Your musings were interrupted by a shy hand pulling at your cloak. A child's hand.

The Youngling- No, Padawan, you corrected yourself, there was a braid dangling next to her ear. The Padawan asked you to pull a book down from a shelf she could not reach on her own.
You did so, though you were frowning. Why not use the Force?

You asked her this then, after you'd placed the dusty book into her trembling fingers.

"I'm not very good with smaller things," was her response. "My Master tries to help me but there's never time when we're out so often." She shrugged, though it resembled defeat more than it did defiance. "It's not like we don't have more important things to do. As long as I can block blaster shots, everything is fine." It looked like it pained her to admit that.

She's still so young.
And it shouldn't have to be like this.

You'd been in this position once too, knew the way burning shame felt. But you had gotten to take all the time you needed until you finally caught up with your peers. This Padawan would never share that luxury. Time was precious now, more precious than it had ever been in the snow globe that was the Jedi Temple.

You pat her shoulder, forced a sympathetic smile on your lips, feeling like crying and yet not allowing it. Not here in front of this child.

"I promise, it will grow easier with time," you told her.

But you didn't feel like it ever would.

Chapter Text

It was not fair.

That you were forced to celebrate your anniversary planets apart - you staked out with the troops on the frontlines, Anakin safely tucked away at the Temple - how could it ever be fair to you? No, it wasn't fair at all.

At least, you thought and willed yourself to smile for the holo while Anakin was speaking.

 At least we get to talk like this.

"My only hope these days is hearing your voice. Me calling you without waking you in the middle of the night, is an impossibility now." For a moment all you heard was Anakin's breathing, inhaling.

"I hate not seeing you as often as I want to. I-“ Exhale. That pained expression on his face, contorted through the static blue of the holo call was morning but painful. "I hate that I don't even get to kiss you in public."

"I know." You brushed a thumb over your hand, imagining he were there to hold it instead. "I know." Anakin continued and your heart clenched desperately. "I hate missing you, because it's like a part of my soul is missing. I hate that there's nothing I can do to change anything about that!”

He got faster, angrier, “I can't keep you save from here. I can't protect you."

"Ani," you said gently. You kept your eyes locked onto the blue miniature of the man you loved. Couldn’t he see it? "I want to protect you too."

"I don't need protection," Anakin objected.

He was lucky you knew he hadn't meant to sound insulting. Or else you would have been off-put.

Anakin was arrogant, yes, but he was also undeniably caring. And you knew how scared he was of losing yet another person. You feared losing him as well, but at least for now he would be safe. Anakin was home and you would focus only it, nothing more.

He was fine and he was safe.

You laughed, "And I do?"

Even through the holo you could see Anakin flush. "No! That's not- You know what I mean! I don't think you of you as weak. Not even close," he rushed out.

"I'm just teasing." Your smile dropped. "I miss teasing you."

Whatever Anakin was about to respond was interrupted by a loud boom from your side of the transmission and you just knew you wouldn't get to call in a while. Sudden deafening noises in an active war zone never meant anything good. Never.

You saw Anakin frown, his brows creasing. "What's going on-"

The opening to your tent flew open and your Clone Commander rushed in, helmet already in hand. You immediately pushed the small holo-projector behind your back, hopefully obscuring it from view.

Any rumors, no matter how small, would be detrimental. You were also aware that your sudden secrecy wasn't exactly subtle. Most likely, so you’d been fearing for some time, your men had been having suspicions for a while. There was only so much you could hide in a camp, even less if days turned to weeks and then to months.

At least, most of the time, someone would end up unintentionally diverting the attention away from he gossip concerning you and towards their own private life. Like the one time Kaele and Heg had to fish Davish out of a swamp after some had become rather fed up with his lack of cooking skills.

Or… when something bad happened and any semblance of normalcy evaporated. Then, the talk would fade away, too.

"What is it, Commander?" you asked, quickly straightening your robes with your free hand. You had to preserve at least some of your Jedi prestige. Whatever what was left of that. These weeks spent smoking out those last remnants of the Separatist camp, hadn’t been the most glamorous.

"We’re having a bit of a situation- It would be better if you took a look at it now! Sir," he added, however, you definitely saw some suspicion in that expression.

You nodded and gave Tasset the sign that you would be there in five.

"I'll be there."

The second that Commander Tasset had left the tent, helmet now on his head, you turned back towards Anakin, apologetic.

You'd waited so long for this call and now you didn't know when you would have the time again. It hurt.  But you didn't have the time to contemplate on it, already too lost in your internal panic. What if you did die today? What then?

But on the outside, for Anakin's eyes, you put on your strong face. Pretended to be the Jedi you should have been.

"I'm sorry, Anakin," you said, hands already calling your lightsaber from where you had left it. "Duty calls."

And how you hated it.

"It's okay," he mumbled and crossed his arms. You could see the defeated look he wore, the constant undercurrent of fear and anger. He wasn't doing well without you.

"I understand. Don't worry- Just keep your head clear and come back alive."

"Of course I will," you whispered.

"Good."

You took another glance at the tent. You were alone. Safe. Force, your hands were shaking. Whether it was from fear or the anticipation of what you were about to say, you didn't know.

"Anakin,” you paused. “I love you."

You would never forget the way his entire face lit up then. "I- I love you too."

Maybe you told him less often than normal people, the ones who hadn't promised their lives to the Order, would have, but... you meant it just as much.

______________

There was a man dying in your arms.
There was...

No matter how often you tried to blink it away, the watery veil of tears didn't lift from your eyes. How could you have gone from talking to Lirin to this? To holding him as he died?

Not even minutes ago, Lirin had been speculating about whatever Davish might attempt to feed the camp today while you were putting a safe distance between yourselves and the other Clone's creations. You were meant to confirm intel from the locals. Nothing more than a quick check in.

Routine.

"I say..." Lirin had paused, cupping the front helmet as though he were holding his chin. "Salamander-Snails again. Looked far too smug with his disgusting goo last month, that bastard. I'll bet twenty Credits on it!”

The statement was emphasized with a fist to his hand, a loud snap just as vigorous as you'd expected it to be. Lirin had a tendency to be a bit overeager. Not that you minded it that much, you were used to similar antics when Anakin was in a good mood.

You shook your head. "Twenty five that he- Watch out!" You ducked underneath the tree branch, snickering when Lirin avoided it hitting his helmet at the last second.

"Twenty five,” you said again, “that Davish is going to place a hot plate of over-salted Kath hound stew in front of you."

Force, how you hated it here. Even the Temple cafeteria served better meals than this. And you weren’t normally the one to complain about a food you were given, or not that often at least, however, even you had a limit. 

Lack of privacy, the putrid stench of death, dying trees and constant stomachaches, these were your best friend here. Then there still was that stinking mud that never seemed to leave the inside of your robes. Wonderful. And just enough mosquitos to keep the men and you entertained when the holo-net was down again.

However, worst of all was just how much you missed Anakin. You missed the way he laughed at his own stupid jokes, the smell of his robes, the warm hugs he gave and how he spun you around and- Calls weren’t enough. Nothing was enough if it didn’t mean that you got to return home and see him.

But you had to do your duty as a servant of the Republic and this needed to be done with your help. And so you kept your mouth shut, hid your feelings deep inside.

Lirin pushed the branch away with a snap loud enough to snap you out of your spiraling thoughts. "I liked you more when you were quiet,” he grumbled.

The response to your smug silence was a very prominent hand gesture directed at you. Because that was the adult thing to do, surely. You, of course, didn't return it. But there was the thought of pushing him into a puddle, even you entertained it simply for the tiniest moment.

You had more dignity than that, you decided with a sigh.

Word had a way of getting to the Council, who, most definitely, would put Anakin to blame as the bad influence on your clean slate. You just knew they would. Didn’t matter if he wasn’t here. After all, he was your best friend to the rest of the world. And you were the weak willed one and manipulatable. That was what people had been saying your entire life and you knew the spiel by heart.

Was it worth arguing over at this point?

So, you let your hands rest easy at your side. Though somehow, and the out was still out on the how, Lirin had become your friend, you doubted you would ever trust anyone enough to risk your reputation over. Not if it could fall back on you or even Anakin.

You even blamed this slowly blossoming friendship on the distinct lack of Anakin you were going through right now. If he'd been sent to join you like he had requested and been denied immediately of thereafter, you'd probably have long gone back home. That was the simple truth. Still, a tiny part of you was relieved to have had the time to get to know your legion better. The comradeship was heartwarming. 

And you were sleeping better too.

But, you served to remind Lirin immediately, he had already managed to hit his head hard enough last time and given himself a nasty bruise. Wouldn't do well for him to repeat that experience.

He wasn't amused.

"I'll invite you to the Temple when we're back on Coruscant one day," you promised, before giving him a friendly pat on his shoulder-plate. "My treat, choose whatever you like. But…” You grimaced. “I assure you that while it may be than Davish's," here you used air quotes, "food, you shouldn’t expect a five star meal. Or even a two start one. Whatever they are serving us is barely considered edible."

You didn’t get to allow the conversation to continue further. It died the very moment you spotted the abandoned fire pit and you quieted down. Maybe it was even for the better, you had thought. You hadn’t wanted to raise expectations if you couldn’t keep the promises.

Neither of you had seen the turret before it was too late.

You might have had had your instinct, that innate reflex, and you your lightsaber. But you weren’t prepared or fast enough. You weren’t fast enough and Lirin had-

You blinked again, tightened your grip around the Clone's torso.

You were barely keeping the two of you afoot on your shaking legs, but you didn't stop, couldn't leave him behind to die. Lirin was still not moving. The only sign of life underneath the broken armor was his shallow breathing and the uneasy flicker in the Force. In and out.

You did your best to drag him further away from the smoking remains of the attack, each step following the next.

One breath after another.

There were no free hands to wipe away the sweat and the dirt which had gathered on your face. You were speckled with blood, nausea crawling up with every drip rolling down your skin. Sweat was seeping into your eyes. Burning. You blinked harder and quicker as if that could force the pain, the memory away. You could still recall the stench and the smoke, the taste of acid on your tongue. 

You didn't trust yourself to actively use the Force in this state. But you also did not have the strength to go on further. You simply couldn't.

Painstakingly slow, you settled Lirin against the shadowed side of an old tree, made sure he was leaning against the bark. 

Then, you turned around and vomited.

On your hands and knees you must have closer resembled an animal than a human.  In this moment you were nothing but a prisoner inside a vessel, once more lacking control of yourself, your life and anything that mattered. There were only the trembling aches and the weakness, the cuts burning at the slightest touch. Nothing else existed.

Not even your own body could be on your side. You were a Jedi! You were meant to be better than this- stronger, more observant! These were your men, your duty and your honor, your friends... and you were failing them. If only you had watched out better, had paid more attention, then-

You heard Lirin stir and you froze, forced yourself up to your feet.

"Sorry," you apologized, wiping over your mouth with a wavering fist. The other hand was on your lightsaber, but you knew it was nothing more now than playing pretend.

One wrong step and you'd tumble. One wrong breath and you would choke.

If anybody came upon you, as you were now, you couldn't be sure that you would have enough strength to defend you both. Maybe not even yourself.

"General," Lirin said slowly, pleading almost. The arm he was clutching around his stomach kept slipping down, hand reaching out in your direction. "I don't want to die."

You were silent now, tried to focus your swaying sight on him as you came closer.

"And you won't."

Your hand settled on the helmet when you kneeled down, paused in the shade for one last moment. Then, wordlessly, but tender in your touch, you lifted the barrier and you looked at the face of a thousand men. Lirin's face. Tasset's face.

The face that would have to die over and over again for the Republic.

You gave him your most earnest smile as you studied him, forcing in each detail into your memory. His hair was long for a Clone, brushing against his neck already and you were sure he would have been forced to cut it soon.

"I won't let you die, I promise," you whispered, taking Lirin's hand into your own. But you couldn't look him in the eye, felt the band of tears rising again at the reality of the situation.

So much time spent preparing, learning, studying and yet still... You hadn't been prepared for this. You didn't know what to do or who to turn to now. What were you then?

Cruel or kind?

"Where did you get that one your ear from?" you asked instead, your finger gently tracing the scar from his left ear downwards to the jaw. Old but not faded.

"Got a fucked up haircut once," he said, laughing at the memory. But to you it sounded more like a harsh, pained cough. Probably was. He was so pale now, arm slackening its hold around his waist.

Taunting red handprints on white armor, smears and falling droplets.

You couldn't tell him the truth. You weren't that type of monster, were another entirely. The selfish kind, the one that would rather keep him hopeful than to have him die disillusioned. This time you weren't quick enough to stop the tears.

"Sorry," you said again once you’d sat down beside him. "Just sweat."

Lirin offered you a faint smile. You could tell that he didn't believe you, that he knew he was dying. And you couldn't do anything about it but sit here and pretend that the world was fine.

You could see it already in the blurring edges of your mind. The unease and then the cold. You saw yourself then, dirtied and in pain, holding his hand as he passed and...

The vision faded and you shivered. You hated this, all of it.

"I am sorry that I can't make you more comfortable," you said, tried to force some humor into your voice. He deserved better than to see the sadness in your eyes. “What would be said about my virtue if I knew how to take that armor off?"

"That you might have made one of my brothers a pretty lucky guy."

"Yeah," you mumbled. "Probably."

From a distance you heard more of the wildlife’s call, distant howls and croaks filling in the silence.

You'd never seen that many animals before coming here. There’d always been the ducks, of course, but what else had there been really? A few exotic pets of Senators you’d been made to protect. These ones… They'd been fascinating, pulsating with life even in ways so foreign to you.

Now you only felt dread at their presence. Danger.

"General?"

You turned your head to the side. "Yes?"

He wasn't looking at you at all. His line of sight was on the dulling sky, cloudless and grey. Lingering on the birds that were flying above you, their wings spreading as they left this place behind. Free.

A silent moment later, Lirin asked, “Where do we go when we die?"

You took a deep breath. You could do this, these words were your bread and butter, known better to you than any nursery rhyme. "To a place without pain or fear. One very beautiful-“

And there was nothing you could do to stop your voice from breaking then.

"You will have the Force, become one with it just like you’d once been before your birth." Nails biting into your own flesh, tears burning in your eyes. "You will know only peace and calm."

Lirin's blinking turned slower, more hesitant. "Even us Clones?"

"The Force doesn't turn any of their children away," you told him. You found yourself methodically brushing over the gloved material that lined the outside of his hand. "But don't worry about any of that, Lirin. You are gonna be just fine," you assured him. "You still owe me thirty Credits, remember?"

"Twenty-five Credits, Sleemo," Lirin corrected with a chuckle. "Some kind of Jedi you are. Can't even count."

"See, that's why you have to stay awake. You need to be around to stop me from ripping people off, the absolute troublemaker I am. Who else could do that?"

He let out a harsh laugh before squeezing your hand once more. Almost painfully tight with his grip.

"That Jedi you are having those holo-calls with. He'll keep you in line for me, General. Skywalker seems-" Lirin broke out in another coughing fit and you froze. "Like the good sort," he continued. "He has to be if he's managed to make you smile like that."

You squeezed your eyes shut, voice wavering with panic. "How-"

"We're not blind or stupid. People talk," Lirin pulled a pained face, but he didn't protest when you leaned over to wipe away the sprinkles of blood that had gathered around his mouth.

"Especially those fucking gossips of the 501st. The way Skywalker keeps praising you, how he looks at you... it's so obvious." He hummed and you were sure he was wearing a grim face of misplaced exasperation all over. "From there on it was only a guessing game who you might be calling."

You were too exhausted to come up with any excuses now, stayed silent.

"They'll be here soon."

Lirin only nodded.

And a part of you still believed it, that you might both go home together after all.You'd wanted to be good, to help people and be the shine of the Republic. Not this. No, never this.

The war, these missions- When had you ever had any choice? Even being a Jedi of the Order… it had never been your decision. You'd been born into it this life, birthed and given away to be shaped into the person you were now. Only the faintest memories, stuck between dream and recall, nothing more remained of the home you had had once, before your destiny was set.

"I am sorry," you repeated again, held the hand in yours closer. He didn't squeeze back.

It would be another hour until you saw that face again, living and breathing. It wouldn’t be the same man. Not Lirin.

But until then, you would be sitting there in the shadow of a tree, cupping the hand of the first of many people you would fail.

Chapter Text

It had been so long since you had had an actual shower.

Too long since you’d been in the Temple. You were home and yet you felt like an intruder.

But it didn’t matter now. You'd missed it, the bone soaking warmth, the familiar smell of your soap, your own towels. Even the tiny, overfilled holder that was struggling to keep both yours and Anakin's products inside. Yes, you thought again. You'd missed it all.

Before you were sent out, you had rarely ever been this dirty. Not even the most difficult missions had resulted in so much- so many- You sighed, ran your hands over your face to get the rest of the cleanser off. You just felt dirty and no amount of sonic showers would ever come close to making that disappear.

You weren't sure if this shower would.
Maybe you would never get clean.

More water ran down over you. Dark stains were washed away, leaving behind only skin rubbed raw. Everything hurt, ached still, but you were clean. Warm and alive. You raised your hands and really studied them, eyes narrowed and heart pounding so unusually angry. Scathing, burning from the inside out.

You hadn't even gotten a scar, had you? You'd gotten away completely unscathed, no sign that anything had ever happened at all. And if you pushed the memory to the back of your mind, maybe you could pretend nothing had. But that wasn't how anything worked. You couldn't even tell who you were really angry at. Yourself? Maybe. The Order? The war?

You just knew that you were angry, and you didn't like it.

In the week before you had finally been allowed to return home, ten more men had ended up dying under your direct command. Even more indirectly. Those were still minor numbers, good even, so you'd been told later once you set back foot on Coruscant. Of course, those who had said that weren't Clones. You'd nodded and smiled then, because what else had you been supposed to do? Whatever you might have said would have fallen on deaf ears anyway.

Like it always did.

Still, even now, you couldn't hep but to linger on those memories. How could any life lost be a good number? Lives unfairly lost, taken away in the most painful way - that was what they were. Signs of your failures as a leader. But not- Never good numbers.

What was all of this even? Jedi debating how many hundred men could be spared to die with the same casualness they'd have discussed the newest cafeteria menu with. Sounded like the setup to a bad joke. And it was a bad joke, the most horrible of them all. Reality. Painful and cruel in all aspects.

Where was the dignity? Where was your own? Where-

Suddenly, the curtain was ripped to the side, and Anakin's head popped in. "I'm going now!"

You were relieved Anakin wasn't acknowledging the way you'd screamed or how your hand had curled and hit the wall with a loud slam. You were relieved he hadn't, truly. It was embarrassing. Shameful.

Instead he was giving you one of his many dopey smiles, and you'd almost thought it sweet that he took out the time to say goodbye. However, you might have appreciated the gesture more if he hadn't barely missed out on giving you a heart attack.

"Have fun patrolling." You felt yourself relax somewhat, ignored the painful stinging of your knuckles. "If there's any fun to have with that," you added, recalling the angry glances you'd been cast outside so often now. The people were angry. And, you admitted only to yourself, they were right to. But that didn't make anything okay. Not at all.

Though you doubted that anyone on the streets would dare try hassling Anakin. He was scary in an unconventional way, even you had to admit that. Not that you liked doing that at all. You'd rather think about the beauty in him, the kindness, the love. But, still, at least on patrol he'd have an advantage with that invisible cloak hovering above him.

Anakin startled you out of your thoughts just as quick as you'd begun your pondering. He came closer, pouting, "Won't you kiss me goodbye?"

"You're getting the floor wet," you protested. His robes too. There was already a wet patch on the sleeve that he was using to keep the curtain from snapping shut again.

"Don't care," Anakin countered, leaning over and snatching that kiss from you. And if you hadn't been invested in actually finishing this shower, and Anakin weren't supposed to leave for patrol, you might have locked your hand around his neck and deepened the kiss.
However, this sadly wasn't the case.

"Now shoo," you mumbled before flexing your hand, pulling the barrier closed again, splashing Anakin in the process.

"Hey!"

"Serves you right."

A few second passed, but eventually, you heard him close the bathroom door, followed by the telltale heaviness of his boots and then you were alone again.
You sighed and turned the shower off, grabbed your towel. A dull shade of blue, murky, lifeless. But it did it's job and you had better things to do than stare at a piece of wet cloth.

You flexed your hand again.
It hurt.

______________

By the time that Anakin returned in the evening, you had already spent more time in the Archives than you would be comfortable to admit. However, you had also went to eat something at least. It had been harrowing to force down, took you longer than it should have, but you had done it. That was something to be proud of, wasn’t it? You’d left your bed, showered, eaten, and read. You’d even gotten Anakin something to eat, too.

Now this day was gone like all the other ones before. You were right where you started out in the morning, thinking too much and doing too little.

Anakin's metal thumb slowly traced your your cheek, followed along the slope of your nose, brushed your lips. Preserving this memory, this moment just between you two, by feel. And yet he was looking at you like he thought you were made of glass.

The very same shadow of worry that your own face directed at him so very often.

You were sitting on your bed right now, you on his lap, he one the sad remains of the pillow fort you had built together. It had been childish, but also...fun. But now as the quiet had settled in between you two, you couldn't help but wonder.

You leaned into the coolness of his touch and your smile turned more somber, melancholic in some way. "I am making you sad, am I?"

Anakin's lashes fluttered, wet as though he was about to cry, and once more you wished you were stronger with the Force, that you could read his thoughts as easy as he could yours.

Anakin shook his head. "Never. You are the one thing that makes me happy. I just don't understand why you are with me, how you could ever love someone like me."

"What do you mean someone like me?" you asked. This was a topic you'd brushed ever so often, and every time you were unable to understand him. Not because you didn't want to, but because you simply couldn't.

If at all, shouldn't it be you that had to live and entertain those thoughts? It would be more right this way. And you were, too often to count or not to feel ashamed over, but you didn't trust yourself to voice this to Anakin. You knew that you wouldn't be able to hold anything back if you did.

"Anakin... Anakin, I love you just the way you are."

"Sometimes I think that you shouldn't," he said quietly, "that you are making a mistake with me. You are too good for me. It's the truth." He let out a harsh, biting laugh before finally breaking eye contact. "But I am also too selfish to ever let you go and I don't care if it's wrong or that we are breaking the Code."

His voice was breaking, wavering in a way that he never liked it to do. Anakin hated crying, hated the way it made him look weak in his own eyes. But you never ever thought of Anakin in that way. "I don't know what I would do without you. I don't think I could take it."

And then he was pulling away.

You frowned, own hand rising to touch his fingers, keeping them there.

"Don't say that, Ani. Just don't," you whispered. "It would kill me if anything happened to you, even from yourself. I-" You closed your eyes. Force, you were so tired of all of this. You'd only just come back and now here this was, reminding you again that death was only waiting to sink it’s claws into your chests. "I don't want to think about one of us dying."

Anakin pressed a loving kiss to your lips. Gentle. "I'll never let anything come between us. Never. I promise you." You only let out a hum in response, allowed him to wrap his arms fully around you, and you were pulled further into his lap. "Anyone who dares to try..."

You squeezed your eyes shut, echoes of memories that weren't and yet were, pressing against the surface of your consciousness. Premonition. Only the faintest impression of unwellness and goosebumps along your skin, and still, you already felt the cold.

Yet Anakin's voice was there still, saying words you hoped to never to come true in this lifetime.

"I'll destroy them."

And how you hated when he said things like that. Almost as much as you hated the knowledge that you sometimes felt that way too. Too many times to count.

Days later, you replayed this conversation in your head again. This time you were sitting in the Gardens, hidden underneath the shadow of a tree while you watched as the leaflets fell into the pond. Blown inside by the same harsh wind that was making you shudder now.

But you’d thought about it, too, by the window. And while you were reading, and then as you laid half awake.

Not even the ducks want to come out in this weather.

And neither did the usual people you spotted on most days. Today the Gardens belonged to the old and the quiet, and you.

Maybe tomorrow you'd get to laugh at a Knights joining in on the gleeful game of catch again. Maybe you would come and play with them yourself, could convince Anakin to come as well.

However, your small burst of happy energy faded away soon. You were being selfish again, weren't you? Not doing this out of pure goodness, but a senseless feeling of regret and a longing for the past.

The children were you and your old friends and every Jedi that had perished in this senseless war. They were those Younglings you'd seen only a year ago that had gone on to become Padawans, but they were also the girl you'd talked to in the Archives, the infants in the creche.

Everyone was growing and changing, leaving, and then they were dying. No matter how often you came here and allowed yourself to dream of what would never be, you could never turn back into the impressionable child that you'd been so long ago. Every bit of this ground was already explored by you and every adventure already had.

Still, somehow, you returned often to this place, remaining in the pretense as the world around you was moving on.

Just days ago, there had been a man dying in your arms. You'd held him then, in a slump of a swamp, and you would hold him now if you could. Closing your eyes, you could still recount the way the light had dimmed in the Clone's eyes. You couldn't turn back time, couldn't do anything although you had been blessed with the Force.

You'd only sat there and watched as a life faded away. All for a war the Jedi never should have been involved in. Senseless and cruel.

You thought now, that one day all of these happy children would have to die for the Republic too. Just like you would. Anakin too. Everyone you cared about.
An endless waiting game.

Children taken from their parents, molded by the kind tutelage of the elders, to be just as useless and insignificant as you were. Then sent away to die, to preach about the love and forgiveness, yet acting as judge and executioner the minute the Republic demanded it.

This was the future, the present and the past.

This was the life you were going to live. A life generations of Jedi had lived long before you, one that would be insignificant and forgotten.

Many times had you gone over these thoughts. And every time you wilted more inside, felt your mind drift to only one conclusion. Your sight blurred, and your throat refused to clear up.

You were everything wrong with the Jedi Order, that was what you would be told if you'd ever said those word out loud to anything but the silent Gardens,

"I don’t want to do this anymore."

Chapter Text

Anakin plopped down next to you, bed springs immediately squeaking in protest under the added weight. Not like those hadn’t become a problem in general. You'd ought to ask Anakin if he could fix them soon, you decided. But today… today you were too lazy.

And quite possibly, a bit too engrossed with your book. But you deserved it, after all, you would most likely get a headache tomorrow. You always did, nowadays. And going to the Temple Administration would surely not help.

"What have you been reading?" Anakin asked, interrupting your souring thoughts.

"Oh, the usual." You showed him the cover, "Forbidden romances about gallant Knights."

"You've got your own Knight right in front of you," Anakin whined, tugging at the book with a played up pout.

You lifted the book higher, struggling not to accidentally hit yourself in the face in the process. You weren't quite done joking around yet. "But look at him! He's just so handsome and-"

You didn't get to list any further attributes, reason being that Anakin had finally managed to snatch the book away and topple you over. Not that you cared all that much. You were busy kissing him, and maybe you both were acting childish, totally unbecoming of two Jedi Knights. So what? You were having fun and that was all that mattered.

And when you finally lied down in bed, you went quiet for a while, simply watched Anakin as he played on your datapad. He was still in the process of fixing up his own after he'd taken it apart for whatever reason he enjoyed experimenting with electronics.

You breathed in.
You breathed out.

Then,

"Anakin?"

He nodded, but you could see that he was barely keeping his eyes open. His day must have been exhausting, the dreams probably too.

Let's leave the Order together. Every day could be like this one, we could be young and happy together. Happy. Can you imagine that, Ani? Us being happy, no more of that weight we carry upon our shoulders?

Of course, you never did say any of that. You shook the thought away, postponed it for another day. When the time was right and you wouldn't feel guilty anymore about this decision. Then you would tell him. Only then.

"Nothing." You kissed his cheek and reached over to switch the light off. "Sleep well."

______________

"Do you-"

"I'll do it!"

"But you didn't even let me finish," you said, laughing slightly. Honestly, you had not expected this enthusiasm. You'd thought he would say no, but asking had never hurt anyone. If Anakin did indeed want to go up to Administration with you to deal with the last things for your finally approved study group, even better!

Though...

"Doesn't matter," Anakin stated. "I'll do it for you," he repeated, now sitting up straighter on your bed. Up till now he'd been watching you get dressed, barely awake himself, but now he looked very much awake. Well, somewhat. He still had that massive sleep-induced bird’s nest on his head.

"You want to watch while I barter for how many chairs I'll get approved and moved?" Although you watched him slowly nodding in response, you were not convinced. "Really?" Suddenly, another thought crossed your mind, "Wait, aren't you supposed to meet up with Ahsoka and Kenobi?"

You had forgotten it yourself. And, the way you knew Anakin, he had most likely as well.

Anakin crossed his arms, looking flustered. "Can't I want to walk my girlfriend around in peace without being questioned?"

"I just wan-"

"Nah, ah." He interrupted you with as much confidence as always. "Your project is important to you and I will give you all the support you need. Even if it means I'll have to intimidate someone into giving you chairs."

Anakin also had a talent in diverting questions.

"The Younglings sure will thank you, Ani," was your response, and now you were fighting hard to not start snickering. You wouldn't shy away from offered help, after all. Since Anakin was so overjoyed to help, maybe you could also convince him to carry the chairs, too, while you were at it.

______________

In the end, it only took twenty minutes of walking through the Temple for you to take pity on Anakin. The man was a walking Zombie. Grumpy, half-asleep and probably not even taking in half of what you were saying.

You nudged him in the side. "It's alright, you know? I don't actually expect you to come with me if you're already running late for-"

Anakin's left hand wrapped around your right, the gesture completely hidden underneath the long sleeves of your cloaks as you walked further.

"Sorry, I'll walk slower," he apologized, squeezing your finger as if to emphasize the point. "You're my priority, everything else can wait, you know that." Then he yawned and rubbed over his eyes. "If only my legs would catch up on the memo."

"They are very nice legs though," you teased. Was it vain that your heart had sped up drastically at his sweet admission? Probably. However, at this point you couldn't bring yourself to pretend to care.

"Oh I know," Anakin laughed. "But I wouldn't mind giving you another opportunity to become acquainted with them."

You chuckled, leaned a little bit more into him when you rounded a corner. "Are you proposing another duel? Or..." you lowered your voice, "dare I say you are being inappropriate, Knight Skywalker?"

"Me?" Anakin let go of your hand to raise his to his heart instead, looking as though you'd struck him. If you didn't know him that well, you might even have believed his shock were genuine. However, the corners of his mouth were twitching terribly and that might have clocked you in even if you weren't so well acquainted with each other.

"I'd never suggest anything inappropriate," he continued, head turning to take a good look around the empty floor. Then he leaned over and gave you a kiss that certainly was everything but appropriate.

"You are horrible," you laughed quietly.

Anakin shrugged, leaning over to righten the neck of your tunic. "I like to play with fire." Of course, he also used the opportunity to give you another peck on the lips. Though this one was more chaste.

You snorted and took a long look at your comm, before announcing, "Now you're definitely going to be late. Are you really sure that you don't want to go now?"

"Yes, I am sure," Anakin repeated, using the moment to take your hand again. His thumb was drawing warm circles over your skin and you felt very warm inside, too. "I think I can survive another of Obi-Wan's lectures on punctuality, if it means I get to spend more of my morning with you."

You smiled at him and Anakin smiled back.

"I appreciate that."

______________

Anakin set the last stack of chairs down with a deep grunt, finishing with your effort of what felt like an eternity (but probably was only half an hour). "It's not too bad, is it?"

"Maybe a bit stuffy," he added with another glance at the cramped room.

Room A207 was everything but roomy. The few tables you'd brought, barely big enough to fit the small groups that would one day sit here, had indeed made everything seem even smaller. The chairs probably hadn't helped either. Though neither of you would admit to that.

Even you had your pride.

"I am happy that they've been kind enough to..." You trailed off, trying to find the right words. Of course, they did not come. "I just wish they had given us a more sunnier room. Less dark," you brushed a hand over a desk, ice cold to the touch. Just like the air, even the joints in your fingers. As though you'd never lifted anything at all. "Livelier."

"Let's get out of here before we freeze to death," you stated, placing a hand on the small of Anakin's back, pushing him along.

Anakin stopped, then he turned his head and actually snickered at you, giving you that sly grin of his. "You're cold? Want me to wrap another cloak around you?"

"I'm quite happy with the one you've already given me, Ani." You tugged the very same cloak closer around yourself. "But... don't you feel the cold?" you questioned, now feeling a bit silly. Confused as well.

"No?" He shrugged, already halfway out of his, your old, cloak.

"Anakin," you laughed and pushed the fabric right back up his arms. "Don't lie to me, you nerfherder. I can quite literally see my breath."

Whatever Anakin might have wanted to respond, was stopped when his hand clamped down on his thigh, sending a wave of dust into the air. Anakin coughed and you were almost concerned he'd choke, if you hadn't been sure that Anakin was too stubborn to die. Instead you could barely stop yourself from chortling as Anakin's struggled to clean himself.

"See!" he choked out, face turning red. "What you are seeing is this horrid violation of hygiene! Who-" he coughed again. "Who's even cleaning this place? When I was a Padawan-"

"Which was barely a year ago," you interrupted.

"When I was a Padawan," Anakin continued undeterred, and gave you the same face he'd often reserve for when he was lecturing Ahsoka, "we had to clean desks by hand until they sparkled."

"I didn't have to do that," you quipped.

"Well," he concluded, failing to keep a straight face as he sought out to hold your hand. "You must always have been a bit of a suckup then. Reminds me of someone, but do not fret, you are the preferable company. Not that he's hard to beat at that," he half grumbled, half laughed.

You just knew who he meant and you certainly perceived it as an insult.

But you waited, took his hand into your own, while making sure he could not see what you were doing with the other. Then you gathered the biggest handful of dust you could mange from the last table you passed on the way out - smearing all of it on Anakin's tunic.

His shriek was reward enough.

______________

You threw yourself in your bed and let out a huge, close to criminally exhausted, sigh. You'd never leave this room again, you decided now. Never ever in this lifetime. You would sleep all day and refuse to get up for anything again.

"What are you sighing about," Anakin grumbled, however, his tone was very much joking. "I didn't see you do any heavy lifting and-" He raised a finger, "Neither did you get chewed out by the most stuck up person in this Temple. Make some room so that I can cry into our pillows."

"Here," you said, sitting up to throw a pillow at him. Anakin dodged it easily. "That's my heavy lifting!"

"Very funny."

Anakin kicked his boots off and planted himself down beside you, putting extra care into pushing you over in the process. What two fine Jedi Knights we are. But you couldn't find any part of you that minded this. You deserved to have some fun in a while.

And being with Anakin, just like this - was fun. In moments like these you were simply two barely grown adults having fun, being childish. Just like you were supposed to be.

Force, you remembered how it was in the beginning. It had taken you ages to properly warm up to his humor or even just to respond in kind. Sometimes you still did struggle with it, caught yourself judging the both of you with the etiquette that had been basically beaten into your brain since the earliest of your childhood. However, those times were growing fewer by now.

And maybe that feeling filled you with pride.
Maybe even with happiness. Maybe.
Yes, all of that and so much more.

You turned your head towards Anakin, forced yourself to come back to reality.

"Anakin?"

His head rose. "Yes?"

"I..."

I want to leave the Order with you. Let's leave and never come back. The Jedi have lost their way and I don't want to do this anymore. I want-

But when the time came to finally ask, you halted again just like you had the day before.

There was something holding you back, whispering to you. Throat constricting underneath the hands of memories from dreams that shouldn't ever have been yours. Your nightmares and his own.

No.

You couldn't consider leaving the Order before... before you knew what Anakin wasn't telling you. That these horrid images were connected in some way, there was no doubt in your mind. After all, you'd never had such cruel visions before you grew closer to him. You had to admit that. How could you not? It was the glaring red sign in front of your eyes.

Anakin was a being made of the Force. You could see him as he was, even with your eyes closed. He shone brighter than any star in the galaxy - so soft and warm that you could fall asleep in the warm embrace of his presence. Should being with him meant that you would have to bear witness to such dreams, visions, nightmares, so be it. You would take it. cFor him you would. Because you loved him more than you had ever any other person, more than you ever would anyone else.

But... you needed to be assured that there was nothing deeper behind them. Or else you would never find peace of mind, never be free of the constant fear and anxiety and the... screams.

And if Anakin wasn't going to tell you, no matter how much the plight you bore, then you would have to find out on your own. You would, were trying to in every singe one of those spare moment that you had to yourself. The Archives, meditation, even just asking Anakin plainly - none of it had brought you any further. So now, now there was only one option left.

"- alright? You're spacing off again."

Your eyes dropped to the floor and you forced yourself to laugh. "Sorry," you whispered. "I was just wondering if you'll..." You swallowed. "If you'll come to the study group when it starts? not to participate, of course." That didn't even sound believable to yourself. "But to support me?"

Anakin stared at you for a moment. He might have been confused, but he also could have been angry. His face was blank, unreadable to you as he studied your own, and the Force was silent. Unbearably silent. Then he blinked, "Did you think I wasn't going to come?"

"Uh- Yes?" You fiddled with your fingers, suddenly very uncomfortable with his undivided attention. "No- I don't know? I didn't want to force you into anything," you finally settled for.
It sounded like something you might have said if you'd actually been unsure whether or not he would have come. You hadn't been, but you needed an excuse and, with you, insecurity was an believable one.

"Why would you even-" You heard him take a deep breath, and your shoulders tensed. So it had been anger, hurt at your doubt. "Yes, I'll be there," Anakin said then, so calm that you just knew he was trying his best to keep himself and his anger issues in check. He was trying a lot lately and, though you knew he didn't want you to comment on it, you were proud.

"And I am going to bring Ahsoka with me," he added sheepishly. "If I can convince her somehow."

Your body relaxed. "I thought having the Chosen One as her Master put her above that?" you teased, recalling his comment from the day you three had been in the cafeteria together.

"I might have exaggerated-"

"Like you did with your singing skills?"

"Now you're just rubbing salt into the wound," Anakin mumbled. Still, he was amused. "And if you truly did mind my singing that much, then you wouldn't keep me around, would you? But what I was trying to say," he gave you a side eye as if to remind you of your interruption. "I am proud of what you're doing. You are actually doing what you've planned and not just-"

He gestured into the air and sighed. "You know."

"Yes, Ani," you smiled. "I know."

______________

It took a while for him to fall asleep. However, it did not take long for his nightmares to start. The whimpering and the silent tears. Anakin's cries.

And this night you were awake to experience it all.

How you hated seeing him like this, in all of this pain. Part of you thought that it was even worse than sharing his dream, maybe even worse than the distorted visions of your own demise. The other part considered you a fool.

His head rested in your lap, your hands stroked through his hair. Soft. Always soft , you'd never hurt him.

"Shh, Ani. It's alright," you whispered as one of your hands came to cup his forehead. It was burning up. "I'm here." Never would you hurt him, you assured yourself again.

Your touch turned more forceful, gained purpose, and you closed your eyes. You had to do this. You had to.

Sound ceased to exist. Neither did the air, the feeling of your bed, or even this vessel.
There was only the Force. No pain. Just peace.

You were born as part of the Force and one day you would be again. The Force was home.
Anakin was home. And yet you forced the thought away, kept yourself blank as the world around you began to shift.

The room became nature and you became man, another human - Anakin. Now it were his eyes you saw the world through. His lungs were it that you forced dry, painfully hot air into.

Blood.

Deeper.

Grief. Your eye stung as sweat dripped into it. Anakin was still sleeping. Inhaling and exhaling steadily as you sank further into the prism of his mind. Hatred.

In and out.

A corpse's face caked with blood. You are so angry. You activate the lightsaber in your hand, twirling and slashing through humanoids.

Ignoring the waves of pain rolling through your forehead, you continued expanding the image in your mind. It was so loud now. You heard, saw everything.

Every thought.
Every emotion.

Such Pain.

Then, "To be angry is to be human."

You only got the faintest impression of a woman, beautiful and kind. Her hand soft on your arm, her voice the balm for your soul. You love her. You knew her. Somehow you had seen that face before. Who-

Anakin's eyes snapped open and you were pushed out of his head. His breathing was labored, irregular.

Did he know? Had he realized what you'd been doing?

"Anakin?" your voice was uncertain.

You reached out to touch him, but Anakin didn't respond, only sat up. Eyes unseeing, limbs frozen at his side, he stared at you. He stared and stared and-

He wasn't moving.

And suddenly you were cold. Had you not learned what the Force could do to a mind? Such terrible things. Cruel, unimaginably so. Anakin could be dead, ceased to exist in all but body, and you would never even know. No, he couldn't. He couldn't! Anakin-

"Anakin!" You shook his shoulders, heart hammering in your chest. "Anakin, please!"

Finally, he blinked. Then he sagged into you, head resting on your shoulder as he erupted into loud sobs. Heart-wrenching and painful and... you had caused them. You had made everything worse as you tore his nightmare apart to the very essence of it's core.

You could have killed him even.

"Nightmare," Anakin whispered, wrapping his arms around you as you wrapped yours around him. His voice had never sounded so raw, so broken. Not even on his worst nights.

This was your fault.

"It's alright," you promised as you held Anakin. "I'm here. You are safe."

Guilt.

Because you remembered where you had seen this face, that woman of his nightmares.

Guilt.

Because you had tortured Anakin like this.

Guilt.

Because you knew what you had to do.

Chapter Text

So this was her.

Padmé Amidala.

You massaged your throbbing temple and sighed deeply. Were you supposed to feel this jealous? To breathe with this pang inside your heart at the sight of Anakin's first love?

This wasn't the time to nurse your jealousy. You were here to find out the truth about the horrible visions plaguing Anakin's dreams. Or else you would never... never have come here, never have spoken to Queen Neeyutnee, never have called the Naberrie estate.

But you had, and now you were here. And you had never felt more out of place in the simple garments of the Jedi, you you did here amongst the people of Naboo. You had always hated leaving Coruscant and now you'd done it out of your own volition. What a joke.

You forced your eyes back onto the scenery in front of you.

The Senator was running around carefree in her family's garden, skirts flying in the wind as the screeching children pursued her, hot on Padmé’s heels. She looked happy.

When was the last time you had felt that way?

______________

"Thank you for taking the time to see me," you said carefully.

"Anything for a friend of the Queen," Padmé replied. "The Jedi have done much for us and for me, so this is the least I could do." She gave you a nod you could tell meant for you to divulge the reason for this meeting.

"I am here to..." You swallowed the lump that had formed in your throat. "I need to talk about Anakin with you."

You saw Padmé shift her position, her legs now crossed. Already. Already were you ruining this. Typical. Another painful throb snapped through your head. "And about what happened on the day his mother died."

The emotions radiating off her were clear in their tone, nauseating in their sudden intensity. How she gnawed on her lip, the way her eyes kept flickering to the door, it told you the rest.

Fingers now separating from the fists you'd unknowingly turned them to, you put off the mask of the Jedi and told Padmé Amidala in a rare moment of genuine expression, "I am here because Anakin and I are close. Closer than we should have ever become."

You met her eyes, heart beating unbearably hard and fast. This might be your end, the end of your life as a Jedi, the only life you had ever known.

What you would say now, could be the biggest mistake of your life. Or the salvation you had been praying for. If only... if only she would assure you of the hopes you had, that all of these dreams had been nothing than that - dreams. Then, finally, there would have no reason anymore to live this life of secrecy. Anakin and you, you could leave all of this behind and be free.

"Anakin Skywalker is the one person in the galaxy that I wholeheartedly love. And..." You folded your hands to stop their shaking. "Because I love him, I need to know. I need to know what happened on Tatooine and for this I am sorry, Senator. I am sorry to misappropriate my Jedi standing with the queen, but I had to. Otherwise you would never have agreed to meet, if you'd known the truth."

You bowed your head. "Please, Padmé."

______________

"Tea?"

You immediately sat up straighter, startled. "Uh yes. Yes! Thank you, I would like that," you mumbled.

"If it is alright with you, I have arranged for your stay here for tonight," Padmé informed you, while her hand steadily poured the tea into the two cups on the table front of you.

You blew over the surface, watched the ripples in the dark sea while you listened to Padmé’s soft voice. Then, you nodded, grateful.

"He killed those children," Padmé told you once she had sat down, hands tensing around her teacup, distant look in her eyes. "The men and the women too, all of them. When he confessed it to me, I comforted him, soothed his tears and held him. And when we were facing death in that arena, I told him that I loved him, because I did. But no matter how much I pretended it didn't happen... It did." Her gaze met yours. Headstrong and unwavering, unbroken, mystifying and so much like Anakin's in it's strength. "So, I need you to listen to me. Break it off before it's too late."

Anakin so soft in your arms, crying. Him when he carrying an awestruck Youngling on his shoulders. Him being your friend. Him being your lover.

"I love you."

"He wouldn't have! He can't..." you protested. You couldn't believe this. If you did, everything you had dreamed off would cease to exist. It-

Padmé offered you a wistful smile. "You must understand how I felt. I didn't want to believe it at first too, but when I saw Anakin cry I knew it to be true. He was so angry and so- so-"

She scrunched her face up, trying to find a word that would come close to describing Anakin's emotional vortex of anger and sadness.

When she couldn't find it, Padmé only sighed before continuing, "After so many years of missing his mother and then coming so close to reuniting with her, to holding her alive and well in his arms, only to have her die in his arms... he couldn't hold it in anymore and took it out on those Tuskens."

You buried your face in your hands, stifling the cry escaping your throat. What kind of person did that? His face flashed in front of your eyes, flushed and grinning at you happily before kissing you softly. The memory only brought on more tears and you didn't care anymore to keep in your sobs. You wanted to ask him why. Scream at him for making you go through these emotions.

Who was to say now that your vision wouldn't come true and that you were to die by his hand? There was no pretending any longer. No more ignorance.

You almost didn't want to listen to Padmé speak anymore. You didn't think you could stand any more seconds of this. And yet you stayed silent and let her tell her story.

"I didn't truly mind at first, simply due to the fact that I couldn't not see them as people. To me in this moment, just like for him, they were animals. There was no other way to see it, no way for me to accept it. People do not act as they did. People don't take a person away from her life and her family in the most cruel way possible, torturing her to death until she becomes broken, dying in a shed. Animals do."

You couldn't decipher the tone her voice took on next, "I thought he was right in what he did, in how he avenged her. Now I don't. Not anymore."

"So if you didn't mind his slaughter," you said quietly from behind your hands, "then why did you two separate?"

For a while there were no sounds but breathing and the shift of fabric. From outside you heard the bright chirping of birds enjoying the beautiful weather outside. You finally pried your hands away and forced yourself to look at her, prompting Padmé to react with a startled flinch, as if she'd only realized you were there then.

"Oh," she said, voice just as quiet as your own, looking down at her cold tea. "We fell out of love. We were too different, I guess. It's- it's hard to pinpoint... It just happened gradually after we first got married. He stopped looking at me like he did before, with less love every time when we got closer to knowing each other as actual people."

"I think it began with this," Padmé mumbled, "when he first realized I was not as he had thought. I was beginning to twist away from the perfect image he had of me. I didn't hand him the stars or place them in the sky. I wasn't on the same page as him on so many issues - our marriage, politics, our lives - we never seemed to agree."

Would that have happened to you as well? Would your love have gone down the same path if not for this, if you hadn't uncovered the truth behind his dark deeds? Had it already?

"After a while I couldn't help but wonder if Anakin only stuck around, because he forced himself to believe he loved me, because it was what he thought he was supposed to do after he did so for ten years. So I left. I left him behind before he could do so to me. I left Anakin, because I didn't want to be married to a man like that, who mistrusted me with every step I took that did not immediately lead into his arms!"

There were ripples in her tea, drop after drop a new one came to be.
Padmé was crying.

"And I don't regret it! I feel alive, I am happy. With myself, with my life, my job and my decisions." She broke out in hysteric laughter, "Without his jealousy or his anger! I am content and now you come here and- and- everything is back in my life, reminding me. I thought I could leave it behind, you know?" she whispered.

You placed one gentle hand on her arm.

"I am sorry."

She wiped her fingers underneath her eyes, erasing any traces of smudged mascara.

"Don't be, I should be. You haven't done anything to deserve this-" She waved a frustrated hand through the air. "Breakdown. I think I needed to say all of it for a long time and you just took the brunt of it." Padmé wiped another tear away, a small smile on her lips. "Gods, all of those etiquette lessons my parents paid for, wasted," Padmé laughed.

"No," you said, voice wavering, "it's alright. You needed to say it and I needed to hear it. Thank you, Padmé, for telling me."

______________

Message after message. Anakin's name flashing over your display, over and over again.

Beep.
Beep. Beep.

You turned off your comm and rolled over. Then, you wept inside that bed that wasn't your own, wishing desperately to never have come here at all.

Chapter Text

The transporter landed on Coruscant without any issues.

At least on this day you did not have to worry about piloting a ship. This was what you had thought once the ship left Naboo's atmosphere and you’d sent your estimated arrival time in to the Temple.

Now that you had indeed arrived back on Coruscant, you remained glad not to have been piloting yourself. You doubted you would have made it back safe when already this simple flight had tired you out so much. And all you'd done was watching space pass by, head empty and soul exhausted.

You got up from your seat, glancing at the people trailing past you and out of the ship. Just like you they were here, about to be a part of the planet’s busy life. You couldn't help but wonder what would happen next. You were going back to the Temple, back home. And they? Where would they go to?

You took up your own bag and finally stepped down the ramp, mouth twisted into a tight line. There was no use in these thoughts.

At least the sunset was beautiful today.

No matter how long you were gone or even how far you went - Coruscant's sky would always been the most mystifying to you. Even through those endless skyscrapers, the sun always found it's way down to you. And you would never stop awaiting it.

Suddenly the weight of your luggage disappeared and you froze. Someone had lifted the bag of your shoulder. Somebody.

"You waited for me."

"Of course! Why shouldn't I?" Anakin smiled. When you failed to respond, his tone became more uncertain and his eyes lost some of their happy shine. "Aren't- Aren't you glad to see me?"

You let threw yourself into him, buried your face into the soft fabric of his robes. He was so warm, always was. Anakin's arms closed around your back and you focused on his heartbeat. Everything was the same.

"Why are you crying?"

And yet, everything was different.

"Oh, it's nothing." You sniffed and let him hold you closer. "Don't worry."

For this little eternity, it was just you and Anakin. You should have been happy, should have felt relief at his sight, however, you were only numb.

______________

At your usual spot, the lone hallway, you felt torn open. Like you'd been broken to your very core, yet the world didn't care. Day would still turn into night and you'd stay to stand witness. The eternal bystander.

You turned away from the window, watched Anakin for a moment as the fading sun painted him gold. There was a new scar on his cheek, you noticed. Though it wasn't fresh anymore, already blending in with the mosaic the war had already left behind on him. When had you lost count of them?

Looking back at the sky, your eyes lingered on the bleeding colours of the sun.

"Do you think everyone deserves redemption?"
Wasn't that what he'd asked so long ago?

How could he continue to love and live and breathe as though nothing had happened? To slaughter an entire village from the men to the women and children... What kind of person did that what he had done?

Anakin's sudden hand on your shoulder took you out of your thoughts. "Are you feeling unwell? You've been quiet all day."

"I think," you paused. "I think I haven't been alright in a long time, but today it's only exhaustion. The flight was tiring."

He frowned and began to stroke soft circles across your back. "Is it your nightmares?"

"No, Ani." You shook your head and took a deep breath. "On Naboo I..."

"Did you meet someone else?"

"What?"

"You did, didn't you?" You felt him tightening the grip on your shoulder, ignoring your protests as he stared you down. "Is that why you ignored my calls?"

"Anakin, you're hurting me," you whispered, own hand clenching around his wrist. "You keep hurting me all over again. I don't... I would never cause you sorrow like that. So, please let go."

"I'm sorry," he said and finally released your shoulder. And he did look sorry. Like he always did whenever he got angry and regret kicked in immediately after. You'd never realized how often that happened.

"I know, Anakin." Your eyes wandered back to the window, watching the busy city traffic fly by. Where all these people must be going right now? "I know." What else was there to say to that? Anakin was always sorry.

You couldn't accept his apology. Not anymore.

"Anakin."

His head rose, hopeful expression directed at you. Soft and gentle, so full of love that it hurt to look at. If it were any other time, you would have shown sympathy and forgotten about this. But now...

You looked down at your hands, trying to escape the grief rising up at the knowledge of what you were about to do. Your vision went blurry and you quickly wiped over your eyes before the tears could actually fall. You were so sick of crying.

"Anakin, I think we should break up."

Just like that his face crumbled, smile wavering then fading as he took your words in. His chest was rising and falling rapidly. Up and down. "What?" Up and down. Now there was more panic in his voice. Desperation. "Why?"

"Why?" Anakin demanded again, sound echoing so loud through the empty hallway.

You didn't respond, couldn't. You just couldn't, didn't have any words, were unable to force the air into your lungs.

"Talk to me!"

"I-" You stumbled back, instinctively putting distance between you when he came closer. You'd never seen him look so angry. "Because I learned what you did to the Tusken village," you said, struggling to stay calm.

You had rehearsed this conversation the entire flight back and yet you found yourself staring into his eyes again, just as blue as the day you'd met, heart burning in pain. Why did all of this have to happen? Why did the universe allow you to be happy only to have it end like this?

You were unable to look him in the eye any longer, averted your gaze.

"I couldn't take it anymore. When I was on Naboo for the talks with their queen, I did what I had to do. I met Padmé. I went to her and begged for her to tell me what you couldn't. I was so tired, Ani. Just tired of it all," you mumbled. “Back then, Anakin, when you and I spoke, you never told me how horribly you treated her. How you would one day treat me. Padmé lifted the blindfold from my eyes, showed me what I didn't want to see."

"She's lying to you!" Anakin cried. He looked just as panicked as you felt, as though he himself was about to have an anxiety attack. "You know me! I'd never do anything like that! Never! You know me," he pleaded once more. "Please don't- Don't leave me."

You did know him. You knew him when he was vengeful, how he mistrusted when he had no reason to- Knew his anger, knew his jealousy, knew how he didn't hesitate. You had seen it, had you not? Only that you had looked away.

He'd murdered.
He'd murdered and he wasn't being honest. There was no regret in him now, only the desperation to keep you and preserve the love.

"I am sorry, Ani. I… I made my choice. I don't want to continue our relationship and there is nothing you can say that would convince me otherwise."

You cupped Anakin's cheek, held back your own tears at the sight of his. You still loved him, wanted to wrap your arms around him and tell him so.

But you couldn't, would never do so again.

Not when those screams, the memories you should never have seen, haunted you. This was the only way to avoid the cruel destiny that fate had rested upon your shoulders. It had to be.

You didn’t want to die.

"It's okay. You're still a good person. I... think. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore lately." The fingers of your other hand curled to a fist. Yes, the Anakin Skywalker you knew, the Anakin Skywalker you loved... he would have slaughtered that village to avenge his mother. "But I do know you aren't the person I should be with."

You allowed yourself to linger for just another second, just one because you couldn't trust yourself not to stay if you didn't. Then, you let go.

"Stay," Anakin said, voice soft and quiet. "Don't leave me." Eyes fixed on your own, intense and hazy and burning, utterly captivating. “You said you loved me! You-“ He cut himself off with his own rapid breathing. “You promised you’d stay, that you weren’t going to leave me, too! You can’t… Please, please don’t go.”

“And I do- I did. ButI can't be your savior, Anakin. It's too much- it's... I can't, I just can't! Not after what you did! Before... before it was already smothering, but now, now I can't look at you without imagining the bodies of the people you slaughtered-"

You stopped. His metal hand was trembling, trembling and yet holding on to your sleeve, crushing the skin underneath it's grasp. Anakin wasn't letting go. Just watching you menacingly, taking your terrified reaction in.

That day in the showers, you never should have stopped.

You ripped your throbbing arm free, skin painfully numb where his fingers had pressed into your flesh. "Don't ever touch me again," you whispered, shocked, saber's hilt raised in one hand. You didn't dare look at the imprint he'd left on you. "Ever."

Anakin didn't follow you, and yet still could you feel his rage. The Force kept s c r e a m i n g at you, at the Temple, at everything.

______________

Anakin's tools and gadgets still mixed with your own things, the lent cloak hurriedly stuffed into your closet, his necklace heavy around your neck like a noose, you'd never felt more alone.

You couldn't bear throwing them away, only cried more at the thought of tainting every single one of those long gone happy memories.

Chapter Text

With a loud grunt, you set the heavy box down in front of Anakin's door.

You had made sure that everything remotely belonging to him was in there. The cloak, his tools and the items of clothing that had been accumulating in your closet for a year. Even the necklace. You couldn't stand to look at it and... you didn't want to give him a reason to seek you out.

This was worse than the first time around, when the visions had become clearer. So much worse.

But you'd done so well so far. It had been two weeks and if not now, when should you do this? You had already blocked his comm and stuck to deliberately avoided spaces you might see him. This was why you were doing this now, on a Friday. He was visiting the Chancellor in his office today and such you could drop his things off without a chance of coming across him.

For a moment as you had been walking here, you had considered simply placing the box in with Lost and Found, however, you thought it to cruel. And part of you still clung to the sentimental value. The thought of all of this gathering dust in some closet, you couldn't stand it.

With one last firm look at the box, you turned around and walked away. It didn't matter if you missed Anakin or felt naked without the familiar cloak around your shoulders. You were doing the right thing.

The next morning you awoke to the box in the middle of your floor, sitting there as if you had never gotten rid of it in the first place. The necklace was right on top, taunting you.

______________

"I would like to request a change of rooms," you repeated, louder this time around. Oh, how you hated when you were asked to do that.

You knew how easy it was to break into Anakin's room, any room in the Temple. If one was a Jedi, that is. And Anakin, most of everything, was a Jedi. Maybe even the most magnificent wielder of the Force that would ever come.

He would find a way to do it again.

If you changed rooms before he noticed, maybe then he would give up. You had to hope.

The older Jedi gave you no reaction. Had she not blinked, you could have thought she were made of stone. Her fingernails tapped into the terminal and she let out a sigh that made you feel like you were a Youngling about to be scolded again. "Reason?"

You hesitated. Then, "Someone broke into my room."

She froze, stopped her typing and gave you a look of genuine confusion. "Why would anyone break into your room? There are only Jedi here."

"I-" Your eyes fell down to your hands. Underneath the long sleeves a purple fingerprint peeked out at you, painfully extending down wrist. You quickly adjusted the sleeve. "I don't know."

"Then you have no proof?"

"No but I-"

She shook her head. "I can't put you down as a priority on the list then, I'm sorry. You'll have to wait until rooming becomes available." The until another Knight dies went unspoken.

You bowed, but on the inside you had never been more angry. You wouldn't have hesitated to give your life and soul for the Order and this- You slammed the door shut on the way out. This time you had no room in your heart to care.

______________

Someone stopped in front of the tree you had sat down at, and you tensed. Black boots against grass. You prayed to the Force that it wasn't Anakin. You really did not know what you would do if it was. Probably... probably nothing good.

You heard a woman clear her throat. "You're not wearing a cloak..."

"So what!" you snapped and finally looked up.

Oh.

"This is awkward."

And for the fist time in a while, you laughed. It was loud and definitely unfitting of a Jedi Knight and it felt right, freeing.

You had known each other all your lives, from the creche to Padawans till... till last year. You had been best friends. It had been a while since you'd even seen her. Was the last in a meeting or had it truly been a year already? You weren't quite sure. After the confrontation you had had with another friend of yours, you had avoided the entire group like the plague. You had chosen Anakin and now...

"Fuck," you wheezed. "I forgot how blunt you are."

She booped you in the shoulder, smirking as she sat down next to you. "Not like you have the greatest memory anyway. Remember the time when-"

"Stop!" you interrupted, pushing her over into the grass. "This is- This bullying, you nerfherder!"

You were pushed right back. "Says you!"

You straightened your tunic and sat up straight again. A group of Padawans had been staring at the two of you. This was embarrassing.

"So, uh," you started, turning around to face her. "How has life been treating you."

She lifted an eyebrow, "Really? That's what you're asking now?"

But she told you anyway. You had missed a lot, it had never been more apparent. She had even taken on a Padawan. Truly baffling. If there was anyone you could never have imagines as a Master, then it would be-

Wait, you remembered now!

You had seen her, it had been a while ago, but more recent than the other memories! She and the rest of your old friends had passed you by and you had never felt more horrible and then- And then she had squeezed your hand.

"Why did you do that?" you asked.

"Huh?" She dropped out of her tirade and you could almost have snorted at the face she was making now. " Shouldn't you be the expert in that with all the stupid tasks your Master made you do? In comparison making my student run a few laps because-"

"No, not that. I meant," you scratched your neck, "a few months ago when we crossed paths in the hallway. It was you, wasn't it? You took my hand and held it."

"I was worried about you," she admitted. "I had never... I had never seen you so sad, so beaten down. You looked so tired and I couldn't not do anything." You heard her sigh. "But I also was too prideful to actually talk to you, too hurt."

You nodded. You could understand that part, even if you truly did not want to. Had you not felt the same?

At your silent encouragement, she continued, "I felt like you had abandoned me. I could understand taking a break from the drama of the others, but me? I thought, in the beginning, that you would come back and be my friend again. But you never did, and I know those thoughts were immature, but I really was hurt. And then seeing you with Skywalker everyday as if he were your shadow or another limb, I- I couldn't talk to you." She blinked quickly. "But even I can see that you're not doing well right now and I... I want to be your friend again. If you let me."

"I-" Could you? "I would like that." Your eyes swam with tears. "I really need a friend right now."

Getting pulled into a hug then , it was like coming home. And, while you would never tell anyone the truth abut what had transpired between you and Anakin, you could at least tell her this,

"I am going to leave the Order soon."

______________

More time passed and life almost began to feel normal again.
Almost.

______________

"Why isn't Anakin coming with them?" you wondered out loud, nodding your chin in the direction of the leaving Togruta and human. They had just passed by your table in the cafeteria, leaving Anakin behind to sit where a moment ago had just been three.

That Anakin was unhappy right now, was very much obvious. Even if you hadn't known him so well, you would have noticed, you were sure.

Your friend stared at you and let off her plate. "Didn't you hear?"

"Didn't I hear what?" you challenged, forcing your eyes down the second you spotted Anakin getting up from his table and approach one of the serving droids, tablet in hand.

She leaned over, hand hiding her mouth from anyone who might overhear. Or in case she might have something stuck in her teeth, anything was fair game by now. Not that you cared much. You just wanted to be in the loop.

"Skywalker has been grounded to the Temple. From what I've heard, he's gotten into an altercation with the diplomatic party of Naboo last Friday. Nobody knows what exactly transpired or why, " she added, "but if Skywalker, who is winning so many battles, is made to sit here like a Youngling, then it has to be really bad." She frowned as she pulled away. "I don't know if it's true, so don't take my word for it, but... someone said the Senator has been admitted to the hospital."

Padmé...

You shouldn't have told him about her involvement. This was your fault, this-

"Surely not," you said, laughed in a way that you hoped to sound convincing. It sounded as fake as it was to your ears. You had never been a great actress. "Anakin wouldn't do something like that. He's a Jedi like you and I, isn't he?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. You know him better than I. Then, as if she had read your mind, "Oh no. No, no, no! I know that look and, no, you really shouldn't." She placed a hand on top of yours. "Let him throw his temper tantrums every day for as long as he wants to. It's his embarrassment, no yours. You shouldn't let him win by getting to you and your affection. You are doing so well. So, ignore him," she stressed. "Your friendship is over."

"Yes," you mumbled quietly. "It's over."

Your friend grinned and changed the topic, which you honestly were quiet thankful for. "Anyway! Have they fixed the door of your classroom yet?"

You snorted. "Of course not. When does maintenance ever do anything on time? I'll probably have to do it myself before they do the bare minimum."

And with that a whole new discussion about what you'd do if you were the Council, was launched. Just like when you two had been Younglings. Force, you chuckled internally, no wonder you had ended up this weird.

But while you might have been weird, you surely were not observant. So, it took you a while after you had parted ways with your friend, to notice that you truly weren't alone on your walk back to your room.

Your shoulders tensed.
A second set of footsteps was trailing after you.

Chapter Text

There was someone following you. You hadn't imagined it.

The footsteps echoed after you even when your strolling walk turned to running, hunting you as if you were prey. Even though you wore a lightsaber around your belt... even though you were a Jedi Knight, you were terrified. Scared. And you couldn't bring yourself to turn around and confront your pursuer.

You found yourself backed into the end of an hallway, your back turned to whoever was relentlessly stalking closer behind you. Now, you were alone.

Now, there was no room to escape.

"Don't worry," you heard Anakin whisper from behind you, breath burning against your neck. "It's just me."

This time you couldn't bring yourself to remember the way his arms had felt around you, the warmth of his laughter, the love between you. There was only dread.

"No, Anakin." You frantically shook your head when you turned around to face him. "Please, not today, I can't do this right now. I can't have you follow me."

"Just let me talk to you! I- I can fix this! Just talk to me," he begged. "Please! You can't leave me to be like this, walking around with a hole where my heart is! I need you!"

Breathe! Had people been looking? They must have seen you running away from Anakin. They must have. Surely someone would come investigate. They must... Breathe! Breathe! But they weren't coming, nobody was. Why was nobody coming? Did they realize you two had broken the code? Was that it? Or... did they simply do not care at all?

It was only you and Anakin, your hazard breathing and his wide eyed stare. And only so little time had passed. You knew it now, that Anakin would never stop. He wouldn't give you space, he wouldn't let you leave or give you room to breathe. Robbing you of any joy. Of any choice, of any chance of becoming one with the Force, of finding peace.

Anakin took another step closer to you, hand stretched out, reaching towards you. You couldn't move. You couldn't even breathe. There was no other feeling than utter and complete helplessness as you backed further against the wall, unable to stop him from coming closer.

You couldn't do this. How could he look at you like nothing had happened? Like he'd never done- Like he wouldn't-

"No!" you cried and you saw as Anakin flinched, his hand lowering from where it was about to brush your cheek.

"Leave me alone! Stop messaging me, stop staring at me when you think I'm not looking, and stop trying to talk to me! Just stop!" Your eyes closed for a moment while you attempted to hold back angry tears. This was madness.

"The only reason I haven't told the Council about what you did, is that I know that our relationship would come to light the very second I accuse you of slaughter! Yes, I care- cared deeply for you, Anakin. I don't want to see you hurt, no matter how selfish and wrong it is of me. I know it's wrong and I am ashamed but I... "

You sighed, though you felt like screaming so much more at him. None of this was ever something you'd wanted. "Anakin, please, just stay away. Or else I won't hesitate anymore." You eyed the other end of the hallway, your escape. "I am going to walk past you now and you will let me."

Anakin wiped over his eyes, "We could leave and start over somewhere new, where nobody knows us. All of this could be left behind!"

His voice wavered when he said your name, yet he said it as loving as he always had. Like it was something precious to him. "I love you. I love you and I can't lose you like this. Just let us talk, please. I only want to talk to you and explain-"

And for the blink of an eye you looked at him, looked at the only person you'd ever loved like this. Whom part of you still loved.

What wouldn't you have given to have done as your heart asked and left the Order before you'd ever dug deeper. You wanted to listen and let yourself be lulled in again, wanted to give in and hold him in your arms. You wanted so much.

But you couldn't.
Never again.

This man had slaughtered, merciless and cruel, and one day, one terrible dark day, he might turn on you and murder you as well, when you least expected it. You couldn't be with somebody like this. Not after everything that Padmé had told you, not after this.

You had loved him, but there was only one truth. And that was that you had never felt more miserable inside than from the day on you'd come to know him. Not even love could fix this realization. Nothing could.

No," you said, quietly. "Forget it, Anakin. Forget and leave this be. I don't want to be around you don't want to see you." You ripped open every wound you knew he had inside, used your most cruel words as a sword to tear him apart. You weren't above lying, above causing this bond to break fully. You had to. "I could never love you. I... don't think I ever truly did."

"You don't mean that!" Anakin shouted back. He was shaking. "You've just said it, that you still care about me. You can't mean any of this- You are lying."

You stepped closer to him, pushing your finger into his chest. Putting everything you had into this lie. Years of repressed anger and frustration, your hurt and disgust at his senseless slaughter. Used how much you'd loved him to hurt him the most you could. Even if it hurt.

Even if you still loved him, no matter what he had done.

"I despise your presence, hate the thought that I ever allowed you to touch me! Just like Padmé did! Like everybody around you does!"

"Stop it! Shut up!"

You almost feared he would strike you, so deep could you feel his wavering rage. It was all-consuming. But you did not stop. Couldn't. You needed him to leave you alone and you needed to get past him.

"I hate you." You pushed him with all of your physical strength then, watched him crumble to the floor like a mannequin. He'd given up. "I hate you!" you repeated.

Then you were running back where you had came from, not looking back, ignoring his sobs. You only ran. Just like you always had, the only thing you'd ever been good at.

Chapter Text

You were flushing up with heat, unabashed pride even, as you exited the bank and reentered the buzz of Coruscant. In your hands you clutched a bright red folder, filled to the brim with paperwork.

You had thought this long over, these fears and hopes. Hours spent thinking over your fate. It almost seemed easier to stay inside your shell and the Temple, and never having to face the outside world. It really did. However… you knew that that wasn’t your path anymore. You had chosen freedom and now you would soon be gone, off to a better life thanks to the non-profit organization you had forced yourself to seek out and get in contact with.

Completing the process had taken a while, stolen moments between patrols and war meeting, but in the end you had had everything explained to you in the simplest terms until you were clear that you understood everything. Normally, you would not have done that. Would have been embarrassed, too scared of bothering the workers.

Today you had been brave.

You couldn't hold back the smile that twisted itself on your lips, then. You were too happy. And soon, you would be free.

But first, you needed to do something else.

______________

After half an hour, your feet finally stopped in front of Coruscant's medicenter. As it was towering so high above you, up until the clouds, the confidence suddenly left you.

You felt so small.

Would she want to see you?

The papers crinkled in your hands and you were sure your fingers had dented them by now. Your chest ached the longer your eyes lingered on the entrance. They were just doors, you thought. What were you so scared about? You did know, and yet, you struggled to decipher your emotions.

If you hadn't gone and visited Padmé, then Anakin would have kept to himself as he had before. She wouldn't be in the hospital, stuck in a bed, watching the world continue without her. You had always hated the Temple's medical wing whenever you stayed there. All the other children could go and play, and you... you had been alone in the quiet.

You couldn't imagine Padmé liking this, either. On that day, when you and her met, she had seemed so free and happy, surrounded by her family. And you had taken that away from her.

Why would she want to be reminded of the man that had forced her into this white, lifeless cage? Why... why were you even here?

Slowly, you turned your back to the tower, drew back into yourself as it became smaller and smaller behind you.

You weren't going to ruin more than you'd already had.

______________

Two hours.
Two hours and then your project would finally come true. You'd do something good for once.

You straightened the sign once more to no avail. It remained crooked.

"STUDY ZONE - NO LIGHTSABERS ALLOWED!"

You'd seen enough escalations between Padawans when you'd been one yourself, you definitely weren't going to risk any incidents because of some childish feuds. You were even going put your own saber in the basket as well - be a good example.

Now if only that sign would stop shifting along the edges.

Nothing could go wrong.

______________

You were pretty sure you were having an aneurysm right now.

"I can't believe they still haven't fixed the fucking door," you hissed to your friend from behind a hand. You really did not want the children to overhear if you were to shout like you wanted to.

The door had just been closed for five minutes and not opened up, leaving you to wait it out while the Younglings (and quite a few Padawans, you noticed) had stood awkwardly outside, waiting.

You palmed your nose bridge. "We'll... we'll send another complain down to maintenance later. Let's hope they'll fix this sooner than later. I'd rather not be stuck here for hours with a bunch of crying children due to some fused wire nobody can get bothered to replace."

At least this had happened after you adults had demonstratively dropped your lightsabers into the containers.

Maybe the little ones would think it was for dramatic effect?

You groaned, "This is going to be a shit show. The Council is never going to grant any request ever again."

"Great start," your friend agreed, although, she did not sound quiet as mad as you were. Maybe even amused. But you should have expected that, after all she was only here because one of the other Knights had gotten sick and you'd suddenly been short a member.

You couldn't technically fault her for finding this funny. You still were going to.

______________

You frowned, but when you opened your eyes again, Anakin was still standing in the line.
You weren't hallucinating. He was here, five feet apart from you, stuck behind six chattering Younglings, awkwardly shifting on the soles of his feet.

You also noticed that he hadn't brought Ahsoka with him.

Why was he here?

Was it... Was it because of that promise? He had told you he was going to support you here, that day before- before everything. And to yourself, you had hoped he forgot.

But now he was here, in this line, meeting your eyes. His hands were shaking, and you had never seen him this nervous.

You averted your eyes. You couldn't do this. It was obvious what he was hoping to achieve today, so incredibly obvious. However, you couldn't give it to him. You weren't going to talk to him or show him forgiveness. Not for what he'd done to you - the purplish imprints of his fingers still hadn't faded, marring your shoulder and your arm.

And...
And neither for what he had done to the village.

"Can- can you take over for me? I think I need to sit down," you wheezed out and turned towards your partner. Oh god, you couldn't do this. You couldn't face Anakin. You couldn't. You had to- You-

You stepped to the side, pushing the clipboard into her hand before you would honestly turn over and throw up the contents of your empty stomach. This was too much, too soon.

"Are you alright?" You were given a one over, then her eyes flickered to where your own just had been. On Anakin. And then her voice shifted, "Don't worry. I can do this," she told you gently, shooing you away with her fingers. "Give me the list?"

"Oh. Yes, sorry. Here." You took a deep breath. Your legs were buckling and your blood was rushing in your ears, louder even than her voice. You'd barely heard her. "Just make sure everyone drops off their saber, alright?"

Then, you walked away, doing your best to ignore the familiar burn in the back of your neck as you were forcing yourself past the line and towards the closest bathroom.

______________

The florescent lights came alive with a quiet hum, flickering in and out as you leaned over the sink and turned on the tap. The ice cold water did nothing to calm you down.

You were a mess.

Looking back at you from the mirror was you, and yet it wasn't. You could barely recognize yourself. You were dehydrated, exhausted, tired bags colouring the skin underneath your eyes. You lifted your fingers to your mouth. Those nails had become brittle, bitten down to the skin. If you chewed further, they would bleed and your teeth would meet flesh. Still, you couldn't stop.

"Just a little bit longer," you reminded yourself. "You can do it. You..." Your eyes squeezed shut and you tried to cage the feelings in. There was only the Force.

Life and death, the future and the present. Duality.

"I am brave."

The sound echoed hollowly through the empty bathroom.

______________

"Do you want to know what you missed?"

"Uh-" Your eyes flickered around. You had barely sat down and already you were being bombarded. But right now the two other Knights were supervising the children, so you could take this break, right? Right. "Yes?"

"Skywalker got a new lightsaber," your friend whispered, flicking her chin towards the table where Anakin was currently gripping a book between his hands. His shoulders were drawn up and you could see the book’s binding spanning underneath his strength. "I saw the hilt."

You looked away from Anakin. Instead, you put the list you were still holding onto to the side, trying to keep your voice casual as you chose your words. As far as you could see, everything seemed to check out. Names had been filled in, signatures given, the Council were going to see their trust had not been wasted. "Oh really?"

"Reminded me of his Padawan's, Ah, Ahshla?"

"Ahsoka," you corrected.

She nodded, "Yes, right! It reminded me of Ahsoka's lightsaber. Do you think they built it together or..." She lowered her voice and you huddled closer, trying to get to the core of her barely hid smirk. "Did he lose his saber again and borrow hers?"

You shrugged, but the corners of your mouth were twitching. "Well," you drawled. "It is going to be a month until the next scheduled trip to Illum."

"Someone should finally start a betting pool. Ferus would have placed twenty Credits in it, were he here."

"Yeah," you laughed quietly. "I'm almost sad I'm not going to see the results. But it is for the best."

It was true. Next month, you wouldn't be here anymore. You had already submitted your request to the Council and the non profit organization you had turned to, was all to willing to help you with the process of moving planets. Eriadu sounded nice, you couldn't wait to see it yourself. For once, you didn't mind being a charity case if it meant you could leave all of this behind.

Your friend cupped your hand and you were instantly reminded of the many times you had snuck into her bunk back when you two had been Younglings. Then, everything had seemed so easy. The biggest threat being the monster under your bed. Time passed so fast.

"I'll miss you." She blinked and you saw tears swimming in her eyes. "The Order won't be the same without you."

"And I am going to miss you, too," you told her. You separated your fingers from hers, then. "I'll even send you a postcard," you joked. "Just you wait! We-"

You paused.

There was a sudden feeling inside of your gut. As if, all at once, the coldest winter night had fallen over your body, freezing your limbs, encircling into your mind. Fear. Your hands clenched uncomfortably tight around the table, shaking. But you needed to see what was going on.

You lifted your head and for a moment time seemed to stand still. Then-

"Ana- Anakin, no!"

Everything turned blue.

Hands banging against a door that wouldn’t open. Cries of pain as one of their own tore into the children, merciless and silent in every step and every slice. And through it all you screamed and screamed, head in your hands. Because all of this was your fault.

It had never been fair.

When Anakin, sweet, sad Anakin, pierced your chest, his mind shouting at you and the world - you didn't even think 'why?'. You could only stare at the tears running down his cheeks. The saber was ripped out of your chest and you hit the ground next to an unmoving little foot. No sound painfuller than the last shallow breaths in the room.

There was no 'why', only 'I'm sorry'. If I had listened, I-if I had been better, never let myself fall astray-

Like you'd been forced to in your dream, you were finally fulfilling the role you'd been destined for. Begging for your life over and over again, until your voice grew quiet and you could barely hold a breath.

Anakin's tears fell onto your cheeks like rain, his arms rocking your body back and forth as if he were stirring you to sleep with the softest of all lullabies.

You had no more fog, no more disoriented flurry of dream clashing against your awakening. You had never had anything at all. Not even meaning. There was only the ice cold realization that all of your choices had lead to this. And something inside you broke. Deeper than where the laser had cauterized the burn of Anakin's lightsaber, deeper than your heart or even your soul.

"I am sorry," came the broken whisper into your hair. Yet Anakin didn't move, didn't call for help, didn't repent and save any of you.

No, Anakin held you in this embrace as the world around you two began to dim and reality started seeping in and out of you with every painful breath, blurring like water in your throat and dripping onto the tiles. Your lone friend, the children you had brought here to learn... yourself, you all were fading away.

You remained frozen, unable to shed a single tear, while Anakin was crying, crying louder and harder than you had ever heard him before.

And through the darkness of the void you saw him, the Anakin you'd loved. He was sitting in the Gardens, alone, waiting for you. You felt yourself reaching out, pushing through the veil, and he did the same. Like the softest caress of wind his hand brushed your face.

"I love you," you whispered. "I love you so much."

Home. This was home, the dream you'd wished you could have had. There was no pain here, no tears, no screaming. No fights. Lifting your arms to wrap around Anakin's neck, hands brushing against his hair, you smiled. Honey coloured and soft, his hair truly was beautiful - you'd always thought so from the moment you'd first met him.

"I love you too." Anakin pressed his forehead against yours and he exhaled deeply. "I love you more than anything. You are the one thing I could never bear to lose. You are my-" Anakin squeezed his eyes shut and you averted your eyes at the tears spilling down his cheeks. "You are my everything."

But even though you heard his words, felt the contact of his skin, there was no warmth. Your body was as cold as ice, from the tips of your fingers to your insides.

"Would it have changed anything if I'd told you that I loved you more often?" you asked.

Anakin shook his head and you turned your gaze away from him and towards the landscape around you. There were no more Younglings running around. The Gardens were empty. Lifeless.

Dead.

There was a sad tinge to your smile this time. "I thought so."

You blinked and the dream was gone again, shattering like glass in your hands. You'd wanted to save Anakin, always. But you weren't a savior. You'd always been so human in your core, human in the way only a Jedi could be - The long forgone product of teachings that had made you arrogant enough to think you could follow this path even though you were suffocating with every step you'd took.

"Stay awake! You can't die one me-"

You would not come closer to life, no matter how many tear filled kisses Anakin placed on your cooling skin or how much he pleaded and begged. Perhaps you'd never been fated for anything but death in a life where you met Anakin Skywalker. You had loved him and he'd loved you and still, you would never have a happy ending. The lights above you kept flickering on and off, light and dark and light again.

Every path, every choice you made, you would have ended up dying on the floor of the Jedi Temple.

Or maybe, there could have been a happy ending. Maybe there was a world where you both had been more honest, a world where you wouldn't have cared about the Tuskens, one where you'd never went to Padmé and would have left the Order with Anakin like you'd planned to. As many worlds as there were stars and yet...

You would never know.

And when those doors inevitably were ripped open, Anakin would be long dead too. He was going to die here, surrounded by all the lives he had taken, holding onto the only one he'd cared about.

"Please- Please!"

If you shifted your eyes just a little bit to the left, then you could see the decapitated head of the shy Padawan you had met in the Archives. At least, you thought and felt another drop of blood rolling past your lips, at least he hadn't brought Ahsoka here. At least she would get to live.

Wet strands clung to Anakin's forehead but you couldn't tell if it was blood or water. He was too blurry, faces overlapping with themself. And you... you were so tired. You had wasted so much time. One of your hands found it's way to his hair and you pretended you could dream just a little while longer.

When would Ahsoka notice one her lightsaber being missing, that Anakin had made her an unknowing accomplice to this crime by giving up hers instead of his own to enter this room?

Anakin's hand, metallic and yet unbearably gentle, cupped yours, pressing it up to his lips.

Would they continue their mumbling, and his arms clutch this corpse, even once you were gone?

"Don't go."

You smiled at him.

"It's cold."

And somewhere out there, you were sitting with Anakin under the ice cold spray of a shower, telling him the same thing.

Chapter Text

Epilogue

Was it sad that your favorite memory of Anakin was something strikingly simple? Maybe. It would have been unremarkable to many - too insignificant to be recounted in any kind of grand story. And yet... yet it had always been the one you cherished the most.

It started like this:

______________

You opened your eyes.

The light streaming through the blinds of Anakin's room was, well, blinding. Long ago, maybe around the time you'd first gotten together, you'd been wondering just why you were always hanging out in your room. Never Anakin's. But now you did understand. This room was depressing, dark… sad..

And yet you were here, sleeping in Anakin's bed.

His arm lied under your head, hard and uncomfortable - yet somehow it made you feel loved too, this uncomfortable closeness. It was a relief that not all parts of you fit perfectly together. He slept like a starfish, spread himself out in every space. Conversations, his place in the Order, this bed. Even your heart. Anakin was a big presence, and you'd grown used to tangled limbs and arms wrapped tightly around you. You instead slept cowering in, were so quiet compared to him.

Your eyelids opened, shut, and fell open again. Slowly you got used to the light, lost the sleepish slug around you. Tomorrow, you decided, tomorrow you two would sleep in your room again.

You turned your head, met Anakin's eyes. He was already looking at you, studying you underneath his gaze. How long he must have been doing that already? Minutes? Hours? He certainly did not look tired at all. His eyes were wide awake and his mouth was smiling.

Face to face with him, you came closer. You smiled right back and tangled a hand in his messy bedhead. It was soft. He must have used up the rest of your conditioner then.

"Your staring is creepy."

Anakin shoved you back, chortling loud and hearty. You played this game every morning- No, every good morning. Somehow it was him who woke up first each time. Maybe he was secretly putting on an alarm? It was something he might do in his weird 8slightly misguided) sense of sweetness.

He stuck his tongue out. "As if you weren't about to do the same thing."

You shook your head and brought your hand back up, let it linger on his skin. Still, you struggled to catch your breath, burn of laughter in your lungs. "I wouldn't have gotten caught! Not like y-"

Anakin rolled over you and suddenly you were quiet, staring up and waiting. His eyes kept flickering to your lips, and you heard his breath hitch. You felt his knee settling in between your legs, drawing higher and higher and- He stopped.

"Let's do something fun."

You blinked. "Huh?"

"We haven't been outside of the Temple for anything enjoyable lately, have we?" Anakin mumbled. His voice lost some of it's confidence when he saw the confusion on your face. His Adam’s apple bopped as he swallowed. "I thought we could go to the theater. Pretend we're normal for a bit," he added.

You nodded, slowly.

"Alright."

______________

"Why should I let you in again?

Anakin crossed his arms, staring the poor soul operating the ticket shelter down.

"Jedi business."

"Jedi business?" The attendant sent you another disbelieving look. You shrugged, keeping your face in the most well attained mask of sternness. "Surely not at the theater," he protested.

"But indeed," Anakin stated, channeling his inner Obi-Wan. "Especially at the theater! The Separatists want to destroy our culture, and isn't it here that our culture prevails? There is nobody better than the Jedi to protect it."

"Uh... yes." The other man nodded absentmindedly, probably very done with this conversation and the two Jedi Knights in front of him. "Just go in there and," he sighed, "do your thing. I don't care. In fact, I don't get paid enough to deal with this."

______________

"You wreak havoc on my heart and yet I crave you," Anakin's snickered, voice echoing through the empty front hall of the Jedi Temple.

To be fair, it was rather good imitation of one of the lead actor's cheesy lines from the play you'd watched half an hour ago. And Anakin was very much having by snarking on the entirety of the romance plot. According to him, and not you that is, the couple had no chemistry and the male love interest's flirting had been incredibly awkward and stiff.

(You kept to yourself that the role had reminded you of Anakin. He would have not taken that well, but somehow you're also sure he'd have laughed about it later.)

You stopped behind a column and before you knew it, you'd pressed your face into his chest, breathing in the earthy smell of his tunic. You two were failing so badly at sneaking in after headcount. It was embarrassing. Yes, technically you might as well have stayed out until tomorrow, however, that would most definitely end up being even more troublesome.

"Be-" You hit his chest, your lips twitching. "Shhh! You be quiet!"

Well, Anakin did go silent now, connecting your lips together. Finally, you were given the kiss that you had been craving since earlier this morning.

"What if somebody sees?" you got out between kisses, asking as though you weren't the biggest hypocrite of them all and your arms hadn't wrapped themselves around Anakin, sharing a tender hug with him.

"I don't care." Anakin squeezed you tighter. "Let them see."

You him squeezed back just as tightly, smiling to yourself.

Your thoughts were quiet. Your heart felt light and you- you wanted this. You really did.
At least for today you could keep a promise.You would close your eyes and not be a Jedi, be his girlfriend, pretend not to have the ever present shame. Anakin made it easy. With him, wanting things for yourself didn't feel wrong. It felt right.

It was right.

______________

"Hey, Anakin."

Anakin's head snapped up from the pillow, hair wild and tangled. He looked so sweet. "Yes?"

"I love you, you know. I just- I just wanted to say that."

You felt your hand being taken, and then he smiled and you did as well.

"I love you, too."

You'd promised yourselves a day of normality.

And you had just that.
And you were happy.

And it had been your favorite memory.

Chapter Text

You turned away from the window.

Anakin was already looking at you, gnawing on his lip with concern. He looked uncertain.

Now, it wasn't that hard to imagine him as the awkward teenager of the stories he'd told you about in late nights. A silent part of you wondered if you would have gotten along had you already been close as Padawans. Would you have gotten together at all?

Then, a bit hesitantly, Anakin was cupping your shoulder. "Are you feeling unwell? You've been quiet all day."

You stayed quiet for a little while longer, not quite leaning into his touch, yet also not turning away. And you lingered in your head, thinking.

"What happened on Naboo? Tell me." Anakin broke the silence, stopping your train of thought. He fidgeted with his other hand and you finally dared to meet his eyes. "You are worrying me. Are you... are you mad at me?"

"No, Ani, I am not mad a you," came the automatic response. But you were mad at him. More than mad, disappointed, hurt. Shocked, disgusted and... What were you going to say now? You had feared this moment the entire flight back, truly feared it. You never wanted any of this to happen. Never.

Part of you already felt dead.

Anakin tensed.

"I-" You gently touched Anakin's hand with your own and pulled it off. And Anakin's face shifted as if you had hit him. He looked as if he knew where this was going. "I think," you started again, but no words left you. None could ever be enough to say this the way you wanted to. You would only ever hurt him, no matter how you were going to tell him.

"Why did you never tell me the truth about your nightmares?" you said instead. "Why did I have to find out from somebody else?"

"You..." Anakin's breathing sped up, now loud enough that you heard it. "W-what?"

"I'd asked you, Ani. I begged you and yet you never told me anything. Even though both of us were suffering and," you took a deep breath, "I knew it had to be something horrible. I knew, but I didn't want to see or hear it. But I had to."

"I didn't want you to go, didn't want you to leave," Anakin confessed, staring at the floor. "This, I'd seen this and I thought if I told you then..."

You could have laughed. So he had a vision, too. This was all once again nothing but a cruel twist of fate. Pawns was all you were.

"I had a vision, too," you admitted now. "Besides your dreams. I think... I think it started before even. I saw my death."
Anakin's head snapped up. "What?"

"I saw my death, and it was you, Anakin. You killed me over and over again every night."

You lifted your hands to your face, studying them in the air. Still, they were warm. Alive. No blood, no stains. You turned them over, twisted your fingers, curled them in- and outwards.

"I can still feel the pain. I can hear myself beg and pleading." You felt as if you weren't here at all. You were cold, freezing. "I always trusted you, that you could never do such. I thought it was the dark side whispering to me. That I was weak. Now I have no more reasons left to believe anymore."

"No, don't-" Anakin stumbled forward, turning you by the shoulders to face him. "I would never hurt you! Never, believe me," he pleaded. "I would never let you die! I love you!" You saw every fiber of his turning into unstoppable panic. You could almost have thought he were the one facing a fated death.

"You- you- I'll stop this! You won't die, I won't allow this vision to come true!"

You shook your head. "And it won't. Padmé was right, maybe we should br-"

"Don't you say it," he whispered. "I know it's not what you really want. I know... I know you from the inside and out, and this is not what you want."

Your hand trembled at your side and, slowly, you were tightening to an angry fist. "Anakin, let me speak. I hate it when you do this- We need to talk about this."

"Don't you feel this pain?" Anakin continued, as if you never had said anything at all.

He pulled your hand against his chest, forced it to soften back to a palm with outstretched fingers. You could feel his heartbeat drumming in him, hard and anything but steady. It beat for you. He had told you that so often that... that you were his reason for living. Of what he might have done if it weren't for you so long ago on that day in the showers. You hated these thoughts. You hated being reminded of it. You...

"Of course!" you shouted. And then you went quieter, hand going slack against his own. "Of course, Ani. How could I not? But this doesn't change what..."

"No, listen!" he breathed and pressed your hand harder against his chest. "You feel this heartbeat? It is for you! Everything, every breath, every thought, all of it is for you!"

"Anakin, not again. Don't say that-"

His pupils dilated and now you truly felt trapped in his grasp. He didn't let go.

"You are my everything! With every second that goes by, it's you that I keep in my mind, my head, my heart. Only you," he whispered then and your fingers entwined. "You, nobody else. You are what keeps me alive, our love and our future."

"Please, stop," you begged and pleaded and cried, as though Anakin would ever stop. "I don't want to hear it. I can't do this."

Anakin shook his head and smiled at you.

"I won't. I cannot. I'd die. I'd die," he repeated. "It would be as if I were to force myself to never breathe again." He showed you your hands.

They were holding each other like they always had. Two bodies not knowing the difference between right and wrong, moral and immoral.

"See," he told you. "You my everything. No matter what, no matter when, you will be the world to me. I love you and you love me. There is no greater truth in this life."

"It's not about love," you responded quietly. "It's about what you did."

"You loved me then, even though you did not know what I did. I haven't changed!"

"But I have," you cried.

"Search your feelings and tell me that you do not love me the way you did with every shared kiss and every hug and-" Anakin blinked quickly, looked away. "I know what I did is unforgivable. It haunts my dreams, even your own... and I'm not asking you to forgive me."

Your hands shook with every word he said.

"But I can't live without you, I- I can't."

And how your heart hurt now. "Anakin..."

When had you begun to cry?

You had already abandoned everything that had made you a Jedi. What more were your morals? You would never be that person again, never be a true Jedi. The war had done too much. You had done too much.

You closed your arms around Anakin and then you closed your eyes as well. Closed them hard enough that you saw stars, forgot all about the world around you, until all but Anakin's touch ceased to exist.

"Alright," you whispered. Your cheeks were wet even as you pressed them into the fabric of Anakin's robes. "Let's stay together. Then everything will be alright."

But you didn't know if you believed it yourself.

Anakin nodded, and you felt the tension leave him, easing off of his body. "I am sorry," you heard him mumble, face nestled into your hair. And it sounded so soothing, so genuine. "I'll fix this, I promise. Whatever you want- I'll find a way for you to have it." He tugged you closer. "Tell me what it is and you will have it."

A breath heaved out of you like a sob. "I want this war to be over and forget all about it... I- I want to leave the Order and I want you to come with me."

Anakin's grip softened.

"That is what you want?"

"Yes, Ani. That's all I want."

______________

"Can I hug you?"

The room was dark and cold, not even the sheets felt warm now. It didn't seem like home anymore and soon it wouldn't be.

You nodded slowly.

And for once, you slept safe and sound.

______________

Another mission.
Another mission.
And another and-

You raised an eyebrow at Anakin.

"We needed to refuel our ship."

"On my Cruiser?"

His upper lip twitched. "Like I said, we needed to refuel."

"Sure you did."

______________

Someone snapped their fingers in front of you.

"Hey? Are you there?"

You looked up. Both Anakin and the Senator of Lujo were staring at you with concern.

"Sorry, A- Knight Skywalker. I was a bit lost in my mind." You nodded at the Senator, "My apologies to you as well."

In the end the mission resulted in what you could only consider a failure. You were bloodstained, the Senator's not yours, but you wouldn't return to Coruscant empty handed. Thanks to Anakin's fast actions you had gotten the leader of the local Separatist cell in your clutches.

"I won't say anything, Jedi scum. Others have tried and failed, and so will you."

"Don't you worry," Anakin promised, leaning in closer until they were face to face. "The Force can do terrible things to a mind."

You picked at the bacta patch covering your hand. Anakin had applied it in a haze and weren't you needed in the cell, you would have to gotten a professional checkup immediately. Neither the hand nor the bruises looked too good and, even if you tried to suppress it, your head was pounding. Probably dehydration.

But you didn't care. None of it mattered. Only... you grit your teeth. That would be a while until you'd get to use a lightsaber again, that was what had your full attention.

And so you pretended not to see when Anakin crushed the prisoner's hand. It was at the same place as the one he had painstakingly covered with the utmost care on your own body.

You weren't above revenge either.

You hadn't been keeping up well with your physical health lately.

More often than not, you forgot to drink at all, didn't eat and got a queazy stomach when you did. You just had no motivation nor time. Every bit of time you even got to count as your own was consumed by sleeping or holo-calling with Anakin. Having had this assignment together was a rarity, truly. The last time you had seen him must have been... you weren't even sure.

Your schedule had never seemed so miniscule.

You rubbed your forehead. Interacting with your men if you felt social, too.

These days it was only turning harder to look at their faces and not wallow in your own misery. But then you'd only feel worse, after all they were the ones dying every day, not you. For you to feel anxious about their faces and memories of the ones who had died for you, how horrible could you be?

Well, there wasn't much room left anymore. After all, the Senator's death had been on you, through and through your fault. Another life lost under your command.

The memory was as clear as anything.

You had had looked at Anakin, unsure what to do. This wasn't your expertise. You'd never had to deal with surrenders before during your field work, hadn't had to take prisoners. In your eyes, he was the expert on whatever protocol would follow now. Had you kept your eyes on the boy, the child, then you might have noticed the blaster he pulled out or the way the guards' eyes met and the secret nod they shared.

And Anakin? He had had stabbed the boy right through, wasting no second and circling his saber to cut into the sudden onslaught of Seperatists. He had always been the more observant one of you.

This was where you faltered, split second eternal in your memory, too shocked to comprehend what you had just seen. It was also your mistake. That second had been enough for you to be hit in the saber hand and to drop your defense of the Senator.

When the prisoner began to scream, you exited the room. You needed to have someone take a look at your injuries. Force, you were so tired.

It would be hours until Anakin snuck into your cabin, waking you with his mouth against your neck, your name on his lips.

He must have come from the interrogation cell straight away, you'd think then. He still smelled like blood.

And you welcomed him between your legs anyway.

______________

Ensuring that you would have an identity once you left the Order was hard.
Technically speaking, neither of you actually owned money or had a real education.

The Jedi Order had essentially crippled you in all ways if you ever did want to make a life for yourself. There was a reason so few Jedi had ever left on their own accord. You had been raised to be dependent and obedient. To you, the outside was strange, too different, worldly and vast, unaccepting.

However, that wasn't the real problem. Had you not found out about what Anakin had done, you would have less hesitations.

If you never knew about the massacre of the Tusken, you would have left at the earliest convenience. You would have taken Anakin and disappeared to a planet as far away from Coruscant as possible, maybe Eriadu or even Taris, Manaan... Anywhere nobody would think to search for you.

But you did know and this was your problem now, too.

Once you were to leave, all immunities would be gone as well. And if- you hated the thought, but... If anyone were to report Anakin's crimes to the right authorities, he would be behind bars, prosecuted, made an example of what the Jedi did behind closed doors and how they misused their status. You just knew the crowds would eat it up.

For as long as the war went on, the people would despise the Order and everything it stood for. (Rightly so, you thought to yourself.)

Padmé, Palpatine, the Lars', and I, your mind repeated. Too many people knew.

You had never met the Lars family, however, from what Anakin had told you, they were the ones you feared of spilling the least. They were loyal and considered him family, even if he didn't return the sentiment.

"You are my family," he had explained, shaking his head, sour expression hung over his features.

Palpatine was Anakin's friend, his closest confidant besides you. You only knew what Anakin told you of him. And while you could not agree with his politics, he had kept Anakin's secret for longer than Padmé had, encouraged him when he'd needed it.

Padmé had been all too willing to speak Anakin's slaughter off of her soul. You were thankful she had, but at the same time you resented it. Ignorance had been bliss, ignorance had kept you warm and safe like a blanket.

She had done nothing wrong. However, even if the thought made you feel uneasy, you had to agree with Anakin when he stated his point.

If he, the Hero with no Fear, left the Jedi Order at the height of the war, she would hear even when she was actively avoiding any report on him. You could never be sure that she wouldn't comment on his cowardly ways, or however the media might lay it out. How she might see him then.

That could be the push she needed to make the issue public. You couldn't risk it. It was not worth it, or at least not now. Not while the war raged in those heights. You needed to disappear when the tides were low and Anakin's every move wasn't of public interest.

And so, the Republic needed to win the war.
You, as Knights and Jedi, had to win the war.

And so, you went out into every battle, every fight, every mission, with more resentment than you ever had thought possible.

You were naive but not stupid.
This war would take years to end.

______________

Mentally you struck Taris from your list of planets you might have wanted to settle down with Anakin.

Getting attacked by a Rakghoul did that to someone.

You brushed a finger about the long claw-stripes left behind on your skin, and winced. Your eyes burned and you would have cried out had you not been struggling to breathe through the anxiety attack overwhelming you.

Tasset ripped the helmet of his face and chucked it down to the ground. It rolled further along the grass, only coming to a stop at a big rock. "Let me take a look at that, General," he ordered, pulling your arm and what remained of your sleeve closer. You almost dropped the lightsaber you were still clutching in that hand.

He cursed. "That does not look good. No, not good at all. Fuck!" Then he started digging around in the large backpack he'd shouldered around his back. Your own had been shredded by the beast.

"Where's the fucking antidote-" A water canteen crashed down, missing you by mere millimeters. More trinkets and tools followed and then, at last, a medpack fell down when Tasset resorted to holding the backpack upside down and shaking it.

Your grip on your saber went slack, metal hilt clinking loudly as it hit your boots. You didn't feel the impact. Your vision blurred, specking with red and black. You couldn't breathe. Your hands were spasming- Why were your hands spasming? This wasn't a panic attack, you realized now. It felt different, worse.

Something was wrong.

"Don't move," you heard. Distorted and hollow as if through a broken comm. But it wasn't, this was real life and not- Tasset snipped something in Mando and then you felt a painful prick in your arm. "I don't want to have to shoot you if you become into a beast! I- This better work."

Your last conscious thoughts were of Anakin.

______________

To your relief, you did not turn into a Rakghoul. But you did have to go to the hospital the second Tasset and you left the wilderness and reentered civilization. Passing out after a life threatening injury did not bode well.

"In the early days of the Republic this would have been fatal, you know? The old Undercity was avoided by most citizens due to this. Well, and the poverty down there. Plus the generations of banished ones. Funny what a bombardment can end."

Why was your doctor smiling? This wasn't funny, right? Was this one of those jokes you didn't understand? As far as you knew, nothing about the past divide of Taris had been laughable. Neither had the Jedi Civil war, so why-

You grimaced and immediately forced yourself to smile in a way that hopefully seemed calm. Probably wasn't.

"Oh, haha, really?"

"Yes, yes," she said and pat your arm. "Fun fact, did you know that one of your own helped develop the serum that saved your life? Revan, I think?"

"Revan, rea- Shit!"

"Sorry, Master Jedi." She put down the disinfectant on the desk and gave you a rueful smile.

"Ah," you unclenched your jaw and held back a hiss, barely. If you could, you would have cried. Your head was pounding once again. "It's alright. You are only doing your job."

The doctor didn't come back for a while after she excused herself and told you to sit down and stop fiddling with the bandages.

And when she did return, holding the results of the bloodwork, the world as you knew it fell to pieces.

You saw her lips move, but you didn't hear a single sound. There was only the unbearably loud beating of your heart. Ringing in your ears. Your chest moved up and down. Your hands were shaking, fingers as cold as ice. You needed to hold something-

Up and down, up and down-

"What?"

The terminal next to you shattered.

If only Malak had truly burned Taris to the ground.

______________

The next weeks until you finally got to return to Coruscant passed in a daze. Had anyone asked you what you had done during them, you could not have recalled. You just weren't there. You didn't know where you were, but you couldn't think or speak or breathe and-

Even now, as you sat on your bed with Anakin next to you, you did not feel like yourself.

But you were aware now. How long you had sat here? You didn't know. You didn't even know how long you'd been back in the Temple. Everything was blurry, a broken assembly of in and out and tears. Like a hazy dream. Or a nightmare.

You wanted to cry but no sound escaped.

You touched your stomach and recoiled at the sensation. There was a firm resistance now that had not been there before. Bigger than the usual bloating when you had your period, not by far and only noticeable to you, but you felt it.

You turned your head around, stared at Anakin as reality really hit you. He was leaned over your datapad, playing some racing game, gleefully smirking to himself.

Your mouth was as dry as a desert.

"I am pregnant."

The datapad crashed to the floor. Glass shattered and Anakin swore loudly in Huttese.

"Are-" Anakin swallowed, white as a sheet. His breath came our harder this time, unsteady, "Are you joking?"

"No," you sobbed. "I am not joking. This is real and-"

You didn't get to finish, already had Anakin pulled you into his arms, spinning you around the air with ease as he laughed. "I can't believe it! We are going to have a baby!"

But you... you couldn't breathe.

"Let me down, please," you whispered.

"Sorry!" Anakin mumbled sheepishly once you were back on the ground. Normally you might have smiled then or given him a kiss, told him that you didn't mind his eagerness. Today you couldn't.

You pressed your hands to his chest, pausing, breathing in the dry air. If only he hadn't been so happy, then maybe this would have been easier. But it wasn't. Nothing had ever been easy with you two and now it would never be. You closed your eyes.

"Anakin," you said. "Anakin, I don't want this."

His body tensed underneath your touch.

"What?" In an instant the laughter faded out of his voice, now only panic remained - panic and desperation. And anger "What do you mean?" He paused, and there were no words to describe the hurt you saw in Anakin's face. It made you feel like a monster. "Are you saying you don't want our child?"

You wiped over your eyes, yet the burning sting of your tears remained. Then, slowly, you shook your head, "If we'd never been Jedi... then everything would be different. I wouldn't- We can't, Ani, we just can't."

In another world, a better one, you might have wanted this child, seen it as a blessing. In this one it would only represented your every failure. You didn't want to think of a baby that Anakin would never get to see grow and hold and dream of a future for. This wasn't what you ever wanted at all.

You didn't want a child.
Never had.

And yet you where here.
And you two had ruined everything.

"Anakin, you know they are going to test it against you the minute that it's born. I tell you, they will," you continued. It was as if every last drop of air had been sucked out of your lungs.

"Then they are going to separate us. The baby to the creche," you wracked up, "I... I will be cast out of the Order, and you restricted in everything you do until the day you die."

Once more the familiar pain of nails biting into the flesh of your palms was there.

"But the Council wouldn't expel you. You are the Chosen One, so they wouldn't, they wouldn't unless I told them what you did to... but you know I would never."

You lied down on his chest, didn't care to stifle your cries this time. All of this was going to disappear forever and never come back. Your heart was constricting so tightly that you couldn't dare breathe. Never had you thought that anything would ever be as painful as any of the cruel visions you had seen through the veil.

That there could be something worse than the sights of the frontlines.

"Don't worry about it," Anakin told you, as though his voice wasn't breaking when he said your name. As though it wasn't trembling right now. But you could only hear the familiar whirr of his metal hand as he tightened it to a fist. It had never seemed louder. The other came to soothingly stroke over your back, so warm and tender against the cold.

"I'll... I'll find a way." He was holding your body tight, tucked your head underneath his chin as he softly rocked you in place." They won't rip our family apart."

You didn't believe him, couldn't, didn't know if you wanted to. All you could do was shake your head. Somehow, you already felt as though you had died. But Anakin was still here by your side, together in these last moments you might have together.

He was so quiet now, "I promise you, I won't let them."

And even through the hollow ache, you knew that there was never going to be a moment in which Anakin Skywalker would be more determined to keep a promise.

______________

"You can do this, my love," Anakin insisted, lips brushing against your nose in a kiss. "You are so much stronger than you know. If only you could see it."

"I'm not the most impressive of the Jedi, am I?" you tried to joke, but it only sounded hollow now.

Anakin smile turned wistful once did let go of you. "You haven't lost a hand yet. In my book that's impressive enough."

You sighed. He meant well, you reminded yourself then. Anakin cared so much more than anyone else ever had, loved deeper and truer than you wanted to think about.

Still, you wished he wouldn't demean himself to cheer you up. It only ever had ended with him hurting himself, and you carrying a bad aftertaste in your mouth long after.

"Ani..."

He shook his head, blinking heavy.

You gave him a hug, but didn't argue further. Not today. You cared too, and you always would, no matter what. And... you didn't want him to go. You knew that couldn't deal with this alone. He needed to be here and end this war. And part of you wondered if you'd ever see each other again. He might die in the Outer Rim, and you might die, too, here, alone.

Anakin's forehead met your own and he breathed deeply, pained as he closed his eyes.

"Forgive me."

"There is nothing to forgive," was your response, solemn as always.

And in your mind hundreds of souls screamed.
Men, women, children.

______________

The cool touch of your hand rested heavy upon your belly. There wasn't much more to see yet, no stark difference to those short weeks before, when you had told Anakin. That was good. You could pretend a little while longer for now. Just a little while and then...

You pulled your hand away away as if burned, every cell of your body constricting with an ice-cold shudder. Never should you have gotten to this point.

Over and over again had this very same story played out in the galaxy. Never had it ended well. You weren't Bastila come again, no, you were just another nameless pawn following along a path of misery and doom. This story would have a curtain fall too, and there was only ever going to be one ending. Always the same one. Tragedy. Death.

Anakin's tears.

Pain and suffering.

Your dreams.

And then again, repeat.
Life and death, rebirth and remembrance, but never would the galaxy learn.

Already, this little light was strong, barely aware of life and yet it was already stronger than you ever were or would have become. You sensed it pulsating through you with every heartbeat and each breath that you forced yourself to take. It was the truest agony you had ever felt.

Every nightmare come alive.

Loud. So loud.

All those thoughts, fears and wishes... was this the universe as Anakin saw it? How could he live with the deep and ugly purchase of your mind at every moment? How could he live and never be alone in his mind? This was your oppression, your punishment, your...

And yet this was your child, created by you and Anakin.

This time around, the tears were more pitiful than ever before. You had felt the smallest touch in your mind, cautious and untrained, but it had been there and it had meant so much more than any kick could have. It had felt like love.

But you weren't sure if you could ever truly love it back as it deserved.

______________

Months passed and Anakin was no closer to coming back home.

Your stomach had filled out earlier than it was supposed to, cutting any form of secrecy short. The universe must have hated you. Truly hated you to the core.

Robes spanned to the max, there was no use in continuing the charade further. Even if it hadn't been so obvious even to the blindest eye, in a Temple full of Jedi, nobody could miss the sudden brightness and strength radiating off of you. You had never been that way.

An average Jedi, stronger and more powerful than any normal mortal, but always an average Jedi. It was only a matter of time until the pitying looks turned to a Council summon. The day was ever growing closer.

Yet, you would pretend nothing had changed for as long as you were able to, even if it cast you as a fool. You couldn't stomach going to another doctor. Finding out the gender, getting sonograms - it would have made it seem to real, heightened your fear of the Council and it's inevitable call.

You were horrible and you knew it.

What you had not expected was receiving an invitation to tea with the Chancellor.

He was kind, accommodating even as he asked after your health and offered you his hand to help you waddle towards his sofa. Your feet must hurt, so he whispered to you with an amused grandfatherly smile.

You laughed and nodded then, sheepishly taking a sip of your warm tea.

Unlike the Council, he gave you information on Anakin's successes in the Outer rim with such casual nonchalance that you might as well have cried. Nobody ever told you anything and reaching Anakin to have a call, had become an even rarer occurrence than it had before.

War did not give free time or holo-net stability, especially not in the Outer Rim. The last time you had spoken was... two weeks ago? Maybe even three, you weren't sure anymore. The call had been short, Anakin managed to be late, too, and you were pretty sure he'd made Rex awkwardly stand guard outside - You had never felt happier in your life.

So, every scrap of news you got, whether it was the Holo-Net or the Chancellor, was vital. Though, you definitely preferred the Chancellor. All too often another story popped up announcing the death of the Hero with no fear, that made you want to chuck your datapad out of your window and into Coruscant's busy traffic.

"I'm sorry, Chancellor," you hastily apologized. "I dozed off."

He lifted a hand, waved it off. "I'm not insulted. A young woman like you has many things to think about, especially in times like these." He sighed as he said the last part.

"I can't help but wonder just when this war is going to be over. You should not have to raise a child in constant fear." He gave you a wistful smile, "You will be raising your child on Coruscant, will you? I haven't had children's laughter around ever since Knight Skywalker joined the Jedi Order."

"I..." You put the teacup down on its saucer. "I don't know yet." The Council hasn't pulled the hood off my head yet. "Naboo seems like a beautiful place to raise a child, does it not," you laughed, but you were sure it did not reach your eyes. You felt ill.

Palpatine's eyes creased. "I may be biased, but I have to agree. Naboo is a very beautiful planet. Knight Skywalker would say the same were he here."

You folded your hands over your stomach, uncomfortable. "I do hope he returns soon. You, uh- You must miss his visits, Chancellor. Anakin enjoys them very much. They are the highlight of his week," you said with a smile. It was genuine this time. But then you gulped and realized your mistake; you couldn't have you seem to close to him. What were you even saying? "I think, I don't know, it's what I heard. Yeah."

You forced down the onset of nervous laughter.

The Chancellor nodded. "His absence is glaring. It is rare for me to spend my Fridays alone, so, my dear, I am thankful for your visit today. It is a delight." Palpatine took a long gulp of his tea, hands steady and serene. You wished you had that grace. "But I shall be positively optimistic you and young Knight Skywalker soon will be reunited.

You had been way to occupied with your worry to notice the insinuation of what he had said.

On your way out of the Senate, you saw Padmé, or rather, you almost crashed into her as you crossed the corner into the same hallway Padmé was leaving.

She was just as regal as in your memory.

Her eyes met yours and you saw a smile creep up her lips, her hand rising, fingers stretching to wave at you- But then her gaze traveled further down, lingered upon your stomach, and the smile fell.

And you felt ashamed.

The next day, Coruscant was under attack.

______________

In that moment, you did not care that your feet hurt or that you were carrying a large amount of extra weight and should not strain yourself, even not that the other Jedi would see - You ran towards Anakin the second you spotted him enter the Temple.

Kenobi had returned hours earlier, delegating the story of what had happened to the Council. And... you had seen the shock on his features when you'd passed him by on your way to eat in the cafeteria. It was as if nobody had informed Kenobi of your condition during the many months he and Anakin had been away.

Which meant that Anakin had most likely not officially informed as well, so you noted.

The Council most likely had done that on purpose. Were they trying to gauge Anakin's reaction once he and you conversed for 'the first time'? Or were you overthinking this? No, you shook your head. You were paranoid. Obi-Wan Kenobi was a member of the Jedi Council. He, most of all, should have known and yet, his shock had been genuine.

But his arrival had also signaled something else to you, Anakin's soon to be return. He had been at the Senate, most likely entertaining the Senators and starstruck crowds, probably the Chancellor as well. And now, Anakin was home.

You shook, "I thought- I-"

"Shh, it's alright," he hummed, taking your hands into his own. You could tell that, had you not been surrounded by dozens of accusing eyes, he would have took you up into his arms and spun you around, clutching you to his chest. "I am alright. More alive than ever," he pointed out with a look of absolute delight you saw rarely on his face. "And the war is close to over. I killed Count Dooku."

"It... it is?" You were unable to keep the hopefulness out of your voice.

"Yes," he promised. "And soon all of this will be over and I'll find our way to freedom."

You had not expected that it would entail Anakin being raised to a member of the Jedi Council. Nor your immediate summon to the Council the very same day the Chancellor promoted Anakin, as if this spurn of their authority had been the final straw for them to acknowledge the elephant in the room; your pregnancy.

It was.

______________

One vote against and eleven in favor. A done story from the very beginning, and... hadn't you known it would turn out this way? Hadn't you seen it the second you'd spoken to Anakin about the future? Yes, you had known - but, somehow, you had hoped you could be wrong.

Anakin's jaw tensed so tightly it might have popped. And suddenly you were reminded of another day, one so dissimilar and yet the same. You had sat together, in the early days of your friendship, when the announcement came that each and every Jedi would join the war effort. Anakin had blanched, holding the seat he’d been sitting on so tightly that he left an imprint of his hand behind, so you remembered.

Now, you thought, now there would be another one to serve as proof Anakin Skywalker's existence. Five tiny dents in an armchair of the Council - how insignificant his anger must seem another thousand years down further. He'd be forgotten, like all heroes inevitably were, and so would you and everyone else in this room. Only the memory of his hand would remain.

"...after the birth you shall leave the Jedi Order and no further be a servant of the Republic, never a Jedi Knight anymore. That is the Council's decision," Master Windu finished.

So, this was it then. The end. And everything you had feared, all of it, it was coming true. Worse than any nightmare. Worse than any vision, you thought as you stood in the center of the chamber, weighted down by the heavy eyes upon you.

You wanted to scream and beg and plead, tear this room apart with everything you had.

Of course, you did not. You let your sight fall to the floor, hands shaking with barely suppressed rage as they never had before. This was hatred. In this moment you hated them all, those men and women on the Council. From Yoda to Obi-Wan.

You hated them.

"I accept your decision, Masters," you said demurely and quiet, because that was what you were supposed to do. Smiled and showed gratefulness after your life had been decided by those who never ever did know you. Then you bowed deeply, ignored the pain in your knees and the angry tears burning in your eyes, bowed as low and long as you were able to.

You hoped it was a pitiful sight with your stomach straining against your robes.

Feast your eyes upon my misery. Choke on your guilt, when one day my child will look at you with my face and Anakin's strength.

Only then on your way out, did you look at Obi-Wan. You wondered if he regretted his words of that day when he told you that he wished for Anakin's happiness. Because with his choice today, he'd ensured Anakin would never be. To keep Anakin safe from the repercussions of his actions, Obi-Wan would bare the brunt of Anakin's resentment forever. That was how much he loved the boy he'd raised.

He averted his gaze.

And here Anakin said that Obi-Wan Kenobi had never cared about him. There had never been words less true.

You might have laughed if it hadn't been that sad.

______________

"You are angry with me."

You breathed out harshly, kept your hands close lest you'd hit anything and hurt yourself. "I am not with you, Anakin. It is the Council that has done me wrong, not you."

"Us."

You crossed your arms, angry eyes burning through the floor. "No, Anakin. Me. Or... do you really think they will ever let you leave now? They won't, just so you know." Oh, you sounded so enraged and you were. "The Chancellor has made you part of the Council, Ani, you- They will never allow you to go now. Even if you were to step down this second."

"They have no right," Anakin spit out.

"Then why did you accept," you cried, giving up on keeping your composure at all. "Why didn't you think over it or speak to me? Why-" You wiped over your eyes, tried to scrub all of the angry tears away. "I thought we agreed not to keep secrets anymore after what it did to us."

"I have no excuse," Anakin whispered. "It is what I always wanted ever since the first time I left those chambers. He got even quieter, "I hoped I could make them keep you in the Order, so that we could leave together once the war is over. Not..." The sadness morphed to raw anger. "Not this."

You deflated, too tired to be angry. At least Anakin's intentions hadn't been traitorous as you'd thought. But it didn't make you feel much better.

Anakin faltered, too, hesitant hand reaching out towards your face and the falling tears, "Don't cry. Please... don't cry."

"How can I not cry?" you asked hoarsely.

Anakin embraced you like he hadn't done in so long. You shifted, snaked your arms underneath his cloak and circling them around his back. Even embracing him felt different now, became so much was a harder than it had been in the beginning of your pregnancy, and still, somehow you managed.

In a few months, so much had changed. It reminded you of what you could not shut out, as big as your stomach had gotten, as close as your due date was... Your days in the Jedi Order were numbered and you would never see Anakin again the minute your bore this child.

Now, you were almost fully covered by the cloak and it was your only comfort. But though you felt the warmth of Anakin's chest through his robes, you still felt so cold.

"I am going to talk to the Chancellor. I'm his friend and if I tell him the truth of our relationship, he'll find a way to help," Anakin promised. However, not even he could mask the uncertainty in his voice. He was just as scared as you were, down to the bone.

"Are you sure that he'll help, that... we won't be bothering him?"

The man had been nothing but kind to you in the few times you'd met him. Palpatine was undeniably the only one to speak to you with anything resembling respect in these months. But that didn't mean he was obligated to helping you like this.

Even now that the Council stood officially underneath his command, going against the Jedi Order on an official Council decision would still be a grave move. Why do it for you? Was Anakin's word worth so much to the most powerful man in the Republic?

Anakin's hand on your back turned rigid. "At this point, he is the only one we can trust. The Jedi don't care about you or me. Nobody does- They..." He let out an angry breath, "They only see you as a brood mare to get to our child, they force me to spy on my friend. But believe me, I won't let them lay a single finger on you. I'd die before I let anyone separate us."

"I..." you sighed, closed your eyes, "know."

I believe you.

______________

If the uniform hadn't said enough, then the blinding blue light of the holo-projector would have done it.

You were half-awake, still wearing your nightclothes when the door to your room burst open and the man dressed in the blue finery stepped inside. You were going on an emergency mission, so he told you without giving you a minute to even think.

"There is a speeder waiting outside, my lady. Pack your things now. Quickly," the guard added, crossing his arms as he repeated himself. Like you asking him to show proof of his identity had already been such a hassle for him.

But, it had been the insignia of the Chancellor's office, authentic and real as you had seen in the past. And so, you obeyed. Your brows might still have creased, however, you stopped yourself from protesting while you gathered your meagre possessions.

Photos, a drawing you'd been given by a Youngling, an extra set of robes. Anakin's hydrospanner. His camera. The cloak that had long ceased to be Anakin’s and become your own.

Only your lightsaber remained out of your grasp.

You saw your guard take a glance at his comm, then another. Footsteps, one, two, three.

"Hurry."

The room filled with anxious waves of heat and found yourself shuddering at the sudden blaze. It wasn't coming from you. What was he so nervous about? You weren't going to run away and neither was the mission. You had all the time in the world.

"I am hurrying," you replied, not even attempting to hide your annoyance anymore. You still remained fairly polite in your tone, though. You didn't want to think about what the Council might do if they found out that you had gotten in trouble with the Chancellor's office. Everything was already tense enough.

You observed him taking a second glance while you were kneeling down to look in the lowest drawer of your closet. Your saber wasn't there either. So it must be underneath the bed then, you decided. But before you had the chance to test your theory, you were already being pulled up from the floor. And it wasn't kind or cautious.

"My lightsaber," you mumbled, and tugged against the painful grip on your wrist.

The hand didn't let go, tightened even.

"Leave it then!"

You nodded, winced with tears gathering in your eye. "Alright." You could always come back later. This meant nothing. Everything was fine and the icy gurgle in your chest was nothing more than your imagination.

It was then, when the door fell shut and you were stumbling into the hallway, that you noticed the silvery glint coming from underneath your bed.

You had been right.

You saw Anakin on your way out, only as a tiny speck from far away when the speeder was surging through the air, but you had seen him and felt his presence. And he, he brushed against your own for only a moment, cloaked head lifting to the clouds where it met you.

Then he turned and began to walk, an army of Clones following after.

He was marching upon the Temple.

______________

The apartment you had been stuffed into was far too lavish for your taste, almost disgustingly so. It was said to be one of Palpatine's many residences on Coruscant and, now, you were caged inside. House-sitting, so you were told. What a mockery of your training. What a-

"The Temple is burning," you choked out, barely more than a whisper. It echoed loudly through the room, no quieter as if you had shouted it.

Maybe you had.

You closed your eyes and took a deep breath, couldn't take the sight anymore.
This was Anakin's doing. Your doing. And now everything you had once called home, was disappearing in front of your eyes.

You saw it. You heard it. And you did not dare look out of the window again, kept yourself busy and pretended the world wasn't ending. Only when the fire was long put out, and your mind wasn't blurry with the screams of those you had once called family. Then, when your nails had become bloody and your palms torn, burning as the Temple had, then did you take another look.

A burned out shell.
A grave. All so that your new family could live.

And when Anakin embraced you, smelling of smoke and blood, he clung to you as though you were his lifeline. You stood with him in the apartment of the man who had puppeteered this entire war, weeping when Anakin cried with you.

As though he hadn't murdered the Younglings. As if you hadn't caused it all.

"I'm sorry," he muttered into your neck, pleading and begging with every whisper of your name. "Forgive me. Forgive me."

"I did it for you. For our child."

His hand lingered upon your stomach like your own once had so many months ago.
Everything was different now.

"I love you."
Everything was the same.

You should have been horrified, pushed him away from you and recoiled in disgust. In another life you might have. Though, not in this one.

It didn't matter anymore now - Everyone was dead already.

And you both were drowning.

Numb.

______________

You gasped and the plate fell to the kitchen floor, shattering into thousands of sharp pieces.

"Kenobi..."

He had survived! He was fine, he had lived and maybe Ahsoka had too, then everything could be alright again and-

You faltered, took back the step you had taken towards him. For a moment you had forgotten... That you weren't on the same side anymore. And now you were alone with only him, hand grasping for the space by your hip where your lightsaber should have been. It came back empty.

Of course, it wasn't there.

Your saber had been left behind in the escape Anakin and his Master had orchestrated before the... the slaughter. You'd realized it already on the flight that took you here, the reason for this mockery, but it was then as Anakin told you the truth that you had cried. Senseless tears. As if anyone could ever forgive you for the part you had played. Without you, none of them may have had to die.

Your eyes darted to cutlery drawer, then back to Obi-Wan. Why hadn't the landing platform been locked off? He shouldn't have been able to get inside- How had he even found you?

The air was filled with led.

Five steps. Five steps could you make at most before he'd be able to react. Enough to get a knife. Your stomach curled and you winced when the child made the decision hit your bladder. You grit your teeth. Not now. You could also use the Force and attempt to... kill him. But deep down you knew that you weren't strong enough to make this a fair fight.

"Are you..." You paused, calculated. "Are you here to kill me?"

"No! Never," he breathed and you felt a sense of guilt overcome you at the earnestness in his voice. "I am here to take you and your child, to bring you into exile. Away from the Empire and Ana- Vader. Away from Vader."

He offered you his hand and your heart had never beat faster, own hands never as urgent and willing to reach out- But then you shook your head, slowly.

"It's too late now, Kenobi. For me, you, and for him too." You sat yourself down on the chair, chest rising rapidly, nauseous.

Anakin had to die and Obi-Wan would murder him.

And you were dying now, too, deep inside. Burying your face inside your hands, you took those gulping breaths that you needed to make the world stop spinning. Duty. Obi-Wan was doing his duty as a Jedi Knight, a Master, a protecter of the Republic that once was. The right thing. For him to put his love behind in order to bring an end to all of this pain and the suffering echoing though the darkness surrounding you.

But you weren't a Jedi anymore. You loved someone, you had already gone to far, had condoned Anakin's final act of cruelty. It was too late. It was too late and you'd have to spend the rest of your life with the memories of people that were dead due to your choice.

How could you help kill someone you loved?

You couldn't.

How could you have killed those that had depended on you? The children you claimed to love so much? Your brothers and sisters?

You could never be Obi-Wan... No, you were too selfish.

You squeezed your eyes shut.

"Get out."

Of course, Obi-Wan did not. You saw him go quiet, turning you his back as he stared out of the very same window you had hours earlier. But unlike you, Obi-Wan was strong enough to face the carnage that remained of your home.

Your saber hand was clenching once more as you thought of the drawer again, of the drawer and the knives. Would he notice? Would he realize?

Obi-Wan took a deep breath. He turned back to you, face solemn.

"I will return for you once it's done."

"And I will do my best to convince you otherwise. Leave me be. Leave my child be."

The look he threw you now was so kind that it made you want to scream.

"You are not lost yet. Don't give up..." You felt his gaze upon your stomach, and you tensed, arm coming up to shield your front. "There still is good."

"And yet you can kill him?" It broke out of you, more angry than you'd ever been.

"I- I have to," came his grave reply.

And the Force had never been so empty.

Your voice was a mockery of your mind, hollow and aching. Lifeless. Tired. "I know." The climax to a tragedy. "I know."

Obi-Wan turned your own question on you, and you could almost taste the desperation now, the angry accusations. "And yet you cannot tell me where he is?" This was no plead. It was the voice of the last Master of the Jedi Council.

But there were no more Jedi and you would not obey. Not after what you had seen, did, for this war. You'd promised yourself just this one thing and never again were you to follow along the Jedi path. Never again.

"I can't! I will not! How can you not understand that I will not flee with you? I-"

Gently, he cupped your shoulder, interrupting you.

Something inside you recoiled with fear. What would these fingers, this hand, do in an hour? In days? They would attempt to kill Anakin, with all of their might, and yet, they were touching you with such misguided tenderness. As if he thought you would break. As if he thought you weak.

"Nothing will come upon your child," Obi-Wan promised. You hadn't even noticed how close he'd come now. "It is innocent, no matter what it's father did. And we," he tightened his grip and said your name with so much determination that you startled. The Force whispered to you: Padmé. Bail. Rebellion, Rebellion, disobey and flee. "We will keep you both safe, I promise."

You shook your head, raised a hand to lift off his own. It was shaking, cramping even; you were scared. With every single finger you forced away from your shoulder, the tears rose up further. Yet you didn't cry. You couldn't even meet his eyes.

"May the Force be with you, Obi-Wan."

You sat that in that chair for hours after he had left. And while the world kept spinning and day turned to night, you grieved. But it was too late for regrets. You had already made your choice and thousands had died for it.

Thousand more deaths would follow.
But you only wished for one.
Your own.

______________

Separated by a glass wall, you watched as the mangled remains of Anakin Skywalker were picked apart and reassembled into an artificial monstrosity. Burned beyond recognition, cut apart by Kenobi's saber. Somehow, Obi-Wan had found him on his own and, still, Anakin had lived.

Anakin, you thought, hand pressing against the cold. Anakin, don't go. Don't die.

You didn't want to see. You didn't want to hear. But you stayed and you watched and you waited, Palpatine’s greedy hand pressing upon your shoulder. The darkness remained, settled in further than even the child's light could reach.

You were so cold.

"Go on, child," he hissed at last, sharp nails digging into your flesh as he pushed you towards the metal table. "Offer your beloved Vader his comfort."

You hands were shaking when you touched his shoulder. "Anakin?"

The mask stared at you, greeting only with your own distorted reflection. What had you done? How could you force him to exist like this, a life where every breath was torment?

But then you heard Anakin breathe, lying there unmoving within this new vessel. Alive. In and out. Hadn't it been for that, you'd have thought him dead. In and out. Maybe it would have been better if he was.

"Ani?" you tried again.

Then, within seconds, not even the blink of an eye, the body was breaking the restraints that bound his limbs to that table. Heavy were the sound of his first steps. Inhuman.

In and out.

"Are you and the baby safe?"

"I'm here, Ani... I'm here." You cupped the smooth metal cheek with your hand, brought his own to your stomach with the other. But he would only be able to grasp that life with the Force. Never with his own eyes. Never his hands. "You see me? Me and the baby, we are here and we are safe."

And we are doomed.

You wished that you could turn back time, that you could return to that day and choose differently. That you had never forced this child into existence, never doomed the Jedi to die and that you... that you had broken Anakin's heart instead of his body.

Then when you felt his presence cooling with pain, unsaid shame, you found yourself repeating a set of words you had told him in the past, "Anakin... Anakin, I love you just the way you are."

If you closed your eyes, you could almost imagine being back in your room with Anakin, that the darkness wasn't hovering behind the door and that you hadn't sent Anakin back into another life of slavery. You could almost pretend you weren't crying.

Eerily calm, that voice asked you, "What is it? Why are you crying?"

But from underneath that mask, it was Anakin who looked down upon you. It were his eyes, and when you took the cold gloved hand into your own and squeezed - it were his hands squeezing back. You heard it, that Don't cry. Don't cry, please, don't cry. The memory Anakin's voice was everywhere, the hope, the ache for this future.

Anakin wasn't the monster.
You were.

"Don't cry. Please..."

"Don't worry," you whispered and forced yourself to smile. "It's just cold." If only we were free. "Yes," you repeated. "It's cold."

And behind you, Palpatine laughed.

Chapter Text

Heathens/The lost ones

Anakin sat up, sweat soaked, with his spine as straight an arrow. He immediately found the light switch on his nightstand and then you were awake as well.

You placed a hand on his back and you could already feel that he was running hot. The pillow behind you crinkled loudly. Too loudly for you as you were still struggling to adjust to the unbearably bright light.

You frowned. "Bad dream?"

He nodded. Then, Anakin leaned against you, opening his arms in the way you knew that meant he wanted to be hugged by you. Of course, you obliged. How could you not?

"What happened?" you asked. The sound was a bit muffled by his chest, but you were sure he'd understood you anyway. Anakin always did.

"You died in the war, on a planet galaxies away from me. And I died, too. I... I killed myself after you- and-" His breathing got harder, more painful to hear. "It was horrible. Just... horrible."

Oh, Anakin.

"I'm here, Ani," you whispered, holding him closer. "We aren't Jedi anymore. Nothing like that is ever going to happen. I'm too stubborn to die," you tried to joke. "You've said that yourself, remember?"

You were tugged underneath his chin now. "I know," he mumbled quietly. "It's just hard, still. How can it be so hard even now? It's not fair."

And it wasn't.

______________

By now it had been a year since you and Anakin had left the Order.
One some days it felt longer, on others, the bad ones, it was as if you never left at all. You weren't sure yet what kind of day this one would be like.

You finally spit out the rest of the toothpaste into the bathroom sink. After that, you called to Anakin over the loud shower noise, "Ani, I know you're using up the conditioner! So please-" You levitated your toothbrush into the shared container. "Can you buy a new bottle your way home?" you shouted even louder.

"What?" A hot wave of steam hit you and Anakin's head popped out from behind the shower curtain. As always, that unruly mop of hair stuck to his face while he was blinking away water from his eyes.

You couldn't help but study him as he stood there. You always did in the shower, even if it sounded ridiculous. However, too many important moments had happened between you in showers, so, maybe, they made you feel a sense of nostalgia.

Anakin's hair wasn't as long anymore as it had been when he'd been a Jedi still, now closer resembling the haircut he'd sported as a Padawan. Anakin had complained often enough about how hot it got while he was fixing speeders at work, that you eventually had enough and cut it for him.

He looked more comfortable like this and that mattered the most to you. No matter what, he was your beautiful Ani. You didn't care about hair, so you had assured him once when he had one of his times of uncertainty. You'd liked him when he had a buzzcut, you liked him when his hair was growing just like you did when it was long, and you liked him now.

If you could, you might as well be gazing at him for hours. But, sadly, that wasn't an option.

You shook your head, smiling a little as you came back to reality. "I don't think I'll ever get how you don't boil to death in that water. What I was saying or rather..." you came closer and cupped his wet cheeks. Anakin listened better when you had his full focus and that way you would have it. Force, were you silly.

"What I was asking," you continued, "was that you'd pick up new conditioner after you get back from therapy." You pet his hair. It was soft. "Because you most definitely just used up the last of our conditioner. Could you do that, please, Ani?"

Anakin nodded, looking at you with those sweet puppy eyes.

"I'll do that," he promised. The shower was still running, you remembered. You couldn't bring yourself to care in that moment, too entranced by his beautiful blue eyes.

Anakin broke the moment by pressing a long peck on your lips. "If you keep smoldering at me like that, I am going to get cavities. And our water bill will be massive," he added with a snort and a gesture to the shower head.

"Alright, alright."

You let go of his face, and Anakin pulled the curtain shut again.

______________

"And here's the newest update on the war front. Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi has further refused to offer comment on the Republic's failure to reclaim territory during the ongoing sieges on the Outer Rim. Indications-"

You turned the holo-tv off, almost crushing the remote with the anger of your grip.

"I might have wanted to see what our tax is wasted on?" your co-worker complained. It was the new one, you realized. The one that had started this week. Or was it last week? You weren't sure.

Wincing, you placed the remote back on the desk of the break room you had snatched it from. "Uh, sorry..." And you'd forgotten her name, too.

The woman lifted an eyebrow and you saw her exchange looks with another of your colleagues. How come that even the new one was better at connecting than you? It was just so...

"I don't like politics," you said so quietly that you wanted to fold into yourself. You missed the wide sleeves of your robes. You could always touch them whenever you were comfortable, no matter the angle.

"You're not some kind of Jedi Sympathisant, are you?" The note of distaste was pretty hard to miss. "They've kept us in that war for almost half a decade for their bogus religious conflict! You can't tell me that you support that? If the Senate would finally do something about their outdated exemption status... But they're neck deep in that shit, I tell you! Birds of the same feather."

"Of course, not!" you protested, squaring your shoulders.

Even if you had left the Order, the instinctual reaction would always be arguing against statements like that. The Order was a toxic environment, but it was something else if you said that and- Everyone was looking at you.

Force, fuck. Fuck. Fuck!

You were a horrible actress, even Anakin said so and he loved you to the stars and back. Mentally you were frantically going over the lies that you'd told your other co-workers. Contradicting yourself now would be fatal.

"Do I look like I support baby snatchers, huh?" You scoffed, "Never mind the waste of tax payer money for them to finance their luxury lifestyle. They wasted four billion Credits on the restoration of the restricted section of the Archives that cannot even be accessed!"

Oh, now you were getting genuinely angry.

Your jaw clicked and you attempted to calm yourself by playing with your necklace.
It was not very effective. "Instead of investing it in better children's education or some functioning service droids- "

"Wait," you were interrupted, "they did what?"

Someone slapped a hand on the desk, and you flinched instinctively.

"Four billion Credits! And we can't get founding for our schools?"

Fuck. You'd said too much. You'd thought that was public knowledge-

"My fiancé’s cousin used to work in the Senate and heard some stuff," you lied and tried to laugh it off. "But it could just be a rumor from the Holo-Net! You never know with all of the trash that people post there."

You barely resisted the urge of throwing your head into your hands.

Another lie to remember.

Great.

______________

The second it was possible, you snuck into a toilet stall and pulled out your comm to formulate a message to Anakin.

You: I slipped up at work. In case anyone might ask, you have a cousin that's worked in the Senate.

BlanketHog<3: IS TYPING...

BlanketHog<3: Okay. Lve you!

BlanketHog<3: *Love

You: I love you, too.

______________

Neither of you had made a lot of friends outside of work so far.

You had come to Eriadu because it was Outer Rim enough for you to be as far away from the Jedi as possible. And yet it's society was Core adjacent enough (though it honestly seemed like a major case of compensation to you) for both of you to feel comfortable after living life on Coruscant.

But neither you or Anakin had exceptional social skills and 'normal' people were less accepting of those oddities than even the other members of the Jedi Order had been.

So far, your social circles consisted of work acquaintances. You greeted them when you came to work, you said goodbye when you left and sometimes you chatted during a break or lunch. It didn't amount to more.

Anakin was doing a little bit better, but not by much. However, you knew it would only be a while until Anakin would find his people and, hopefully, you too someday. If you were one thing, then it was patient.You could wait, even if it was lonely sometimes, nothing was forever. Not even loneliness. After all, everything was to a waiting game, was it not?

But outside work, most of your time was spent here, in the apartment, while sometimes going to the local library or a cafe when you had time. But the most you enjoyed going on walks with Anakin in the nearby park. It reminded you of the Gardens and it was... it was calming.

You didn't mind or care about the sudden simplicity of your lives. To some it might seem boring, too mundane and empty, and often it did seem that way, however, it didn't matter in the end. You were simply happy that Anakin was by your side. And, so you thought with a tense tinge, there was a war going on. You would never forget that.

Who knew who was trustworthy?

You did your best to contain your oddities, never spoke of the Jedi outside of your home. There would always be danger lurking in a galaxy where the Jedi had slowly been made to be the root of all problems for almost four years. Personal opinions remained within these walls, never outside.

Never.

______________

You sat down on the couch and let out a loud breath.

The apartment was awfully empty without Anakin. Quieter, too big and yet too small and suffocating. You had been doing well, so much better than ever before. Independent, free and...

Nothing was simple anymore.

Were you coated in a fine layer of dust, then?

It was if nothing had ever changed. You were the same as you had always been. Why weren't you leaving the past behind? Why were you like this?

"Look at the bright side," you told yourself and leaned forward, elbows propped on your knees, hands framing your face. You breathed in and out. "Everything will be fine."

You missed your family as it once had been, before the war.

______________

It was still dark when you woke up. You were cold. Anakin was sleeping soundly next to you, looking way too calm for someone who had stolen the entire blanket and left you to freeze.

Very, very slowly, you leaned over and tugged the blanket back over yourself. You didn't want to wake him, even if he was the worst blanket hog ever. You had a lot of experience with his sleep time habits and you had proposed getting another blanket multiple times during the years you had been together, even back in the Temple, but then Anakin would start pouting and- Well, at least he didn't snore. Was that a win?

Some things had changed and... other things hadn't.

You didn't see visions of your death anymore. And, ever since he'd begun his therapy sessions, Anakin's nightmares had lessened. They weren't coming every single night anymore.

It did make you wonder just what had caused them and what was changing now all of the sudden. Maybe it seemed silly. They were just nightmares and nothing more, but still, you couldn't shake off those screams, felt them creeping in the back of your mind in those rare moments you had to yourself.

Those dying village children staring at you with fear, surrounded by the dead bodies of mothers that had desperately tried to keep the littlest ones safe.

Yet, a part of you thought that the sudden randomness of when Anakin's nightmares would happen, was worse. It sounded horrible to you and it was, but they still were your thoughts. Before you'd left, you'd gone and expected Anakin's nightmares every night.

But now..

So, in time, you had resulted to shutting yourself off from the Force at night to avoid Anakin's unconscious dream-sharing. Even if his nightmares were rarer now, you could not take the constant up and down. You simply couldn't. Going from good nights to the bad was warning less and so you'd chosen this last resort. And you hated it. Hated it more than you ever hated everything.

There was only this ice cold sense of nothing.

It felt like your every limb had been cut off and your head was being held underwater to drown violently. Without the Force the world around you suddenly lost all life, dying a quiet grey death. The disconnect was jarring, leaving you empty and hollow, but for Ani.. for Ani you would take it.

Because you loved him and you couldn't stand the thought of never sharing the same bed with him for the rest of your lives. And you wanted it with him, that lifetime together.
So this was the only choice you truly had.

Although you didn't share his dreams any longer, it didn't take the memories away of the ones you had already seen, and neither the silent distrust taking root in your heart. But you were patient and one day you would get Anakin to tell you the truth.

You had to.

Almost like he knew you were thinking about him, Anakin's awfully sharp toes made contact with your leg and you repressed a loud hiss. You would force him to cut his toenails even if it was the last thing you were going to do. But first you would sleep and-

This was when you took your first look at the time and sighed. (Silently, of course.)
As if this couldn't get any more depressing. You had to get up in an hour. If you tried to fall asleep, you would only be torturing yourself.

You pushed the blanket off again and carefully tucked Anakin in, making sure you were quiet as you hopped off the bed and pulled your clothes out of the closet.

On the positive side, at least you could open yourself up to Force again now since you'd probably stay on the balcony for a while then, and let Anakin sleep a bit more. Your felt giddier than you had been when building your first lightsaber. Just the thought of using the Force... You smiled. Doing things manually all the time, sucked.

Okay now, not even you could stop yourself from pulling a face at that.

You were relieved that non Force-Sensitives couldn't read thoughts. Could they, they'd probably have thought you very entitled.

______________

Half an hour after you sat down on one of balcony chairs, you heard footsteps.

Or rather the familiar sound of very loud stomping.

You turned your head in the same moment that Anakin wrapped his arms around your front, squishing your face in his chest. You felt all warm inside. You knew that he was only walking so extremely loud because he was trying not to startle you. Even if many people didn't see it that way, Anakin really was caring.

"I was wondering where you went," he whispered, voice still drowsy with sleep. Anakin yawned and you were truly surprised he was walking at all in that state.

"You’re-" you spluttered and pulled your face to the side, chortling so loudly that you feared giving the downstairs neighbors more reasons to dislike you besides Anakin's way of walking. "You're drowning me in your sweat, Ani!"

"Sorry," Anakin laughed. He let you go and you wiped a hand over your face

You finally stood up and poked him in the side, specifically where he was ticklish. "Are you? Really?"

"Hmm." Anakin stroked his chin with his artificial hand in a gesture that often accompanied his surprisingly good Obi-Wan impressions."Well-" And then he let out a sharp giggle when you hit that spot again.

Some things never changed.

Anakin suddenly tensed and caught your hand in his own, stopping you from further teasing him. "Oh, look!"

You did look to where he was pointing with his other hand. The sun had begun rising and you hadn't even noticed. That had been the whole reason you'd chosen this apartment in the first place, the view. From the balcony you could watch the sun rise every morning if you please, and you loved it.

"It's pretty isn't it?" Anakin said, smiling.

You wiggled your hand and Anakin took the hint, intertwining your fingers.

"It is," you agreed.

And for the first time in while, you had hope.