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It was a lazy Saturday night when Kit popped the question that had been surrounding his mind for the last couple of months.
Tessa was putting Mina to sleep and Jem had resorted to organizing his music sheets in the living room while Kit sat down at the dinner table, his copy of the Cortex laying in front of him.
He hadn’t been able to read anything at all, so he assumed he could take the chance of catching Jem by surprise to get a honest answer out of the man he had been weirdly growing fond of.
“I just don’t get it, Jem... Why did you do all of this?”
“What do you mean… What don’t you get?” The man questioned, frowning at Kit.
He put the music sheets he was holding down, paying full attention to the boy now. Kit found that it was even harder to get his curious question across now that he wasn’t facing Jem’s back.
“Why you and Tessa would want to- You know... Do this.” He loosely gestures to himself, hoping to make it clear what he was talking about.
“And by “this”, you mean...?” The confused expression didn’t leave his face, which made Kit roll his eyes. He is not sure he wants to say what he’s thinking out loud, but since he already started, he might as well end it.
“I mean, taking me in. Doing all those weird stuff for me.” Kit could feel his cheeks blushing, uncomfortable with how shocked Jem looked with every word out of his mouth.
“What weird stuff are we doing, exactly?” Jem had sat down in the table in front of Kit at this point, his concern seeming to grow by the minute.
“Oh, by the Angel. Taking me into walks, giving me gifts, training me, feeding and clothing me, making me go to therapy and all. I just- Look, I know what you said to me that night, that I didn’t need to be like Will or anyone other than myself to be- You know-”
“To be loved by us?” Jem completed when he noticed the words wouldn’t come out of Kit’s mouth.
Kit just nods, still weirded out by how easily Tessa and Jem said those words in a daily basis: to each other, as soon as they part ways (even if it is just for some minutes), to Mina, in soft whispers while she falls asleep, to their friends when they talk in the phone… Even to him, despite Kit never saying it back.
He knows they don’t expect him to, the couple told him that right way. According to Tessa’s own words, they just wanted him to know, no pressure to respond.
“Yeah, that. And I get it, you’re nice people, loving everyone is your thing, I know. But how can you love me for me, just like that? You don’t even really know me. I grew up stealing and lying, like Johnny Rook taught me too. I can’t understand why you would let me stay here when I’m a risk. Don’t you see? I can end up being a terrible influence on Mina.”
His voice broke for a moment, cracking around Mina’s name as a deep-seated fear came to light.
“And then, there’s the whole first heir thing, anyone could find out and come for me, putting all of you in danger. Putting Mina in danger. Why in hell would you and Tessa risk the life you have always dreamed of having for a random kid you barely know? Someone like me? You don’t own me anything just because I’m a Herondale. You don’t own me love just because of who I am.”
Jem stayed quiet for a couple seconds and Kit realized he might never have said so many words at once to Jem in their whole time knowing each other.
“Kit, I know every bad thing that happened to you makes you think that, but I can assure you that love has nothing to do with owning anything to anyone.” Jem said, his tone surprisingly calm considering everything Kit had just dumped on him.
“What I told you that night is true. We did not ask you to move in because you’re a Herondale. I thought I made myself clear on that. Let me say it again: You’re so much more than that, Kit. You’re so much more than just the kid Jhonny Rook taught how to survive.”
“But-”
“Do not try to tell me I don’t know who you are.” Kit closed his mouth immediately, which was something that rarely happened, but Jem had the unique ability to express his opinions in a firm but never condescending way, which often left Kit feeling compelled to hear everything he had to say, at all times.
“I do, so does Tessa. So does Mina. You’re not a bad influence or a risk, you’re a kid who deserves a home and a family. You’re kind, smart and strong. You wake up in the middle of the night to hold Mina so Tessa and I don’t need to. You protect those you care about with everything you have. You love Mina in a way that only Tessa and I can understand and I can assure you she loves you back just the same.”
Kit doesn’t know how to argue back. Maybe he doesn’t really want to. Maybe he wants to believe Jem, believe those people really care and that he finally has a place he can call home.
“You’re not your past, Kit. It’s a part of you, yes, but what you did to survive does not define who you are or how you live. That’s what Tessa and I saw when we met you. That’s why we asked you to come and be with us. We don’t own you anything neither do you own us. You’re not someone we are burdened with, kid, you’re someone we want, now and forever. As hard as that is to believe right now, Tessa and I will spend the rest of our lives trying to show it to you.”
“I just- I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to handle you telling me you’ll stick around, because every single person who ever told me that left.” Kit whispers and he hates how his voice breaks, how he feels the tears burning his eyes, how Jem is looking at him with so much compassion it almost pierces right through him.
Before he can break down, Jem is up and going. He sits down next to him and slowly puts his arm around Kit’s shoulders. Jem waits to see if the boy will reject the hug or not, but Kit relaxes and shoves his face in his neck.
“I understand what you feel. It’s hard to trust it and that’s okay. But... Let’s look at the facts: you’ve been here for months now and I would dare to say you quite enjoy it, am I right?” He asks and Kit smiles a bit against his own will.
“I mean, the tv in my own room is pretty cool.” Kit murmurs, still hiding his tears in Jem's neck. He feels more than sees the man laughing.
“I still don’t know how you handle all those buttons and channels, but, yeah, I guess it’s cool.” Jem complies. “Like I said, it’s been months and the world didn’t collapse yet. We’re all here, together. And in another three months, we’ll still be here. So, what do you think of just taking this slow? Give us another couple of months. Give yourself a chance, Kit. The angel knows you deserve it. I’m sure you’ll realize happiness is your right just as much as it is anyone else’s. It’s going to be though sometimes, Tessa and I won’t always do or say the right thing, but we do love you. So much.”
Kit knows he means it, despite the catastrophic “what-ifs” going through his mind, despite his instincts screaming he should run and give up, despite even the darkest memories he has of all the times he reached for others and was left broken.
He trusts Jem. He trusts Tessa.
He would die for Mina without a second thought.
He does love his room, not only because of the tv, but because it’s his. He loves that place for the picture of him and Mina that Tessa framed and put on his desk, for all the memories of Tessa coming in to say goodnight even though he may be too old for that, for the light blue color Jem painted the walls the week he moved in.
He likes how the sun comes into the kitchen in the morning while they have breakfast and play another round of the endless “saw that movie, read that book” game. He likes how Jem always hugs him just for a bit longer than necessary when he has a bad day without Kit having to ask for it. He likes how Mina holds on to his finger when he comes around and doesn’t cry when he holds her, knowing she’s safe with him.
He fits in here, fears, past, risks and all. He had made the choice to stay before, but what Jem was asking now was different. It was not only living with them, it was belonging with them.
It meant putting his guard down, taking the love that was offered to him and accepting it.
Kit always assumed he wasn’t built for that, for happiness and family and homes. Still, Jem was holding on so tightly to him now, like he didn’t want to let him go ever again. He and Tessa had once said nothing in their house was as precious as Kit to them. He was becoming more sure by the second that they meant it.
“Okay.” He finally says and feels Jem letting go of a breath. The man messes with his hair despite Kit’s protests.
“Okay.” Jem repeats. “Slow it is, then.”
“Right. Sorry for all of this, I wasn’t planning on bothering you and making a scene.”
“Don’t worry about it. You’re not bothering me. If anything, I’m happy you’re talking more.” Jem reassures him. Kit nods as a way to thank him and they fall into silence.
Jem moves ever so slightly, probably assuming Kit had enough of hugs for the night, but the boy surprises himself by the fact he has not, indeed. Instead, he stays where he is and the hand Jem had moved away from his shoulder returns.
Kit doesn’t remember the last time he actually admitted he missed being taken care of, the last time he allowed himself to realize he wanted parents that were caring and nice.
He doesn’t say it out loud, but Jem stills seems to understand it.
Without a word, he holds on to him and doesn’t question Kit’s actions.
“You’re so brave, kid. You’ll still see it like I do, someday.” He tells him.
Kit is starting to think that if he keeps listening to Jem saying those words, he might end up believing them too.