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The picture they used was taken right before a quidditch game during sixth year. James touched his lips instinctively remembering their stolen kiss minutes before it was taken, and he let his mind wander. 

That was back when they were first discovering themselves and each other, when everything felt new, and terrifying, and amazing all at the same time. Their relationship was one of the most influential things in James’ life, and he couldn’t help but feel guilty that even now, his best friend still didn’t know of its existence. 

Everything between the two of them was a secret, though. Even before things escalated, their friendship was founded on secrecy. They had always been acquaintances, both being from pureblood families, but it wasn’t until spring term of Fifth Year, after Sirius was kicked out, that Regulus began seeking out James’ company. At first, James hesitantly obliged in his requests to hear about his brother’s well-being, and agreed not to tell Sirius, who would’ve told Regulus to kindly fuck off if he knew he was asking about him. 

Regulus had been so stiff in the beginning, though. James thought it felt like a military operation, so he tried to lean into it and use humor to make the younger Black feel more comfortable around him–since that seemed to work with Remus back in first year. That’s how their friendship began, with covert updates in passing, rendezvous in the owlery, and secret messages left in library books, the topic of conversation always being Sirius. With each positive update, James could see Regulus start to relax more, so he started slipping more anecdotal details in his previously brief reports.

It wasn’t until four weeks into "Operation Keep Black in the Dark” (as James had started calling it) that he first saw Regulus laugh. Not his nasally laugh that he used around Barty Crouch, Jr. and the other Slytherins, but a genuine belly laugh. He was telling Regulus about Sirius’ botched attempt at a cosmetic potion to turn hair red and gold when Regulus busted out laughing, picturing his brother tinted gold from head to toe. James thought it was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard. He quickly pushed that thought to the back of his mind, noting that it had everything to do with his innate desire to make those around him feel happy and nothing to do with the specific person in front of him. 

Maybe after seeing Regulus so miserable for four years this was just long overdue, and that’s why it feels so good, right?  

Before parting ways, Regulus gave James a small smile. “Tell Sirius to go a little lighter on the beetle eyes, and add a counterclockwise stir between adding each cat hair.”

James turned and beamed at him, “That’s brilliant!! Erm… be weary of the tea at breakfast tomorrow, okay?”

Regulus gave a small laugh and walked away. It was the first time James felt a tug of affection beyond pity for the boy.

After that, things became more natural between them, and they found themselves seeking each other’s company without Sirius ever coming up in conversation. They would just happen to be studying at the same time in the library, a table apart but passing messages back and forth; or James would go to the greenhouses in search of certain supplies from a seventh year Hufflepuff and stumble upon Regulus, who was checking on his herbology project. James found watching Regulus get high for the first time to be fascinating. How his piercing blue eyes softened and how he breathed in deeply, his lungs expanding fully underneath his black robes for what seemed like the first time, and he vowed to himself to try to always make Regulus feel that relaxed around him. No fifteen-year-old deserved to be that tense all the time.

James did feel a twinge of guilt though, lying to Sirius about his whereabouts and who he was with, but he also felt excited to have a harmless secret. Also, it felt worthwhile to be contributing positively to Regulus’ life which, James had gathered, hadn’t been pleasant up to that point. 

Unlike his brother, Regulus was very analytical and seemed to always have a plan or a way out. James, modelling his recklessness on Godric Gryffindor himself, was silently in awe of Regulus’ ability to take a step back from a situation and analyze it from all sides before acting in his best interests. 

Sometimes, when getting distracted in class, James’ thoughts would wander to his best friend’s younger brother, and he would wonder if Regulus had ever gotten to be a child, acting on a whim or getting carried away in the moment, or if Walburga and Orion had quickly snuffed that impulsiveness out of him with their swift and brutal punishments. He didn’t like to dwell on it too long.

Things continued on smoothly. In March, they were able to go to Hogsmeade together, Regulus insisting on staying under James’ invisibility cloak, lest anyone see them together and report back to his parents. Regulus had let it slip to James that he had never seen the Shrieking Shack before. “The Black’s have no use for stories peddled strictly for tourism,” Regulus imitated his mother’s voice, pronunciation perfect. ( Yeah, just for tourism , James thought to himself.) So that’s what James decided they would do together. As to be expected, it was disappointing, but it was a new experience for Reg, and that’s all James wanted to provide him with. Before heading back to the village, though, James got distracted by a particularly vocal bird and didn’t notice Regulus slipping back under the invisibility cloak and quickly put together an arsenal of snowballs. He was just turning around to ask Regulus if he knew what type of bird it was when he first snowball hit him directly in the face, covering his glasses in snow slush. 

“Dear, dear Regulus. You poor soul. You don’t even know what you’ve just started” James said in his most threatening voice, humor slipping into it. 

Without a second more of delay, James was on the ground, making as many snowballs as he could and firing them in every direction, hoping one would hit his invisible target. He finally made a connection, ten feet to his left, and doubled down on his attack. Regulus then threw off the cloak, and answered back with equal enthusiasm until they were both covered in melting snow, cheeks red, grinning from ear to ear. 

“You know, that was the first time I’ve played in the snow since I was ten. Before Sirius came to Hogwarts...” Regulus trailed off, his eyes getting a faraway look, before turning to put the invisibility cloak back on. 

James, who was usually a natural at comforting Sirius, had no words to that. Growing up in the household he did, he couldn’t imagine never playing in the snow. They walked back to Hogsmeade in silence.

They continued to grow closer, Regulus opening up more and more. Everyone had always told James that it was hard to keep him at arm’s length, his welcoming nature being the direct product of the loving household he grew up in. Things changed though, in May, when Sirius’ actions at the end of term led to consequences that everyone in the school was aware of. Although James felt like he could trust Regulus, he knew that he couldn’t tell him the whole story of why Sirius was kicked off the Quidditch team or why Remus was no longer talking to him. He couldn’t betray Remus’ trust like that especially after what happened. Regulus was in a frenzy about it, convinced that his parents had something to do with the situation. After a few attempts at pulling information out of him, Regulus took James’ half-answers in stride, not pushing his questions any further. James couldn’t help but notice the distance Regulus began to put between them, no longer staying in a room too long if James was there or avoiding eye contact. James wanted to resolve things, but he knew he couldn’t give the answers the boy wanted from him. Then, they left for summer. James knew he couldn’t write to Regulus without at least one member of the Black family knowing–Sirius, Walburga, or Orion–and he couldn’t risk any of those three finding out. After the events of winter break though, James couldn’t help but worry about Regulus alone in 12 Grimmauld Place. But there was nothing he could do.

***

It was a miserable summer for James. Not only did thoughts about Regulus’ safety continuously pop up at the worst times, he also had to navigate the dynamics between Remus and Sirius. He was grateful that they had been able to resolve things halfway through the summer, but that just meant that the mental space he had been devoting to tip-toeing around them could then be taken up by Regulus. James was no stranger to worrying about Regulus– that being a recurring topic of conversation between him and Sirius in their late-night chats throughout their five years of friendship–but this was different. For one, he was the one constantly thinking of worst-case scenarios, and he didn’t have anyone to turn to to talk through it with. He thought about telling Sirius about his friendship with his brother multiple times, but he knew Sirius would be upset, and after weeks of there being a rift between the Marauders, James couldn’t bring himself to be the cause of another one.

Arriving at King’s Cross, James' stomach clenched when he saw that his concerns had not been misplaced. Regulus looked ghostly, his eyes a little dimmer and his skin at least two shades paler, but then, James caught his eye and the Slytherin smiled . It wasn’t a big doofy grin like the one James was now sporting, but it was a small upturn of his lips at the corner before quickly looking away. That was enough.

Being a Prefect now, the rest of James’ day was full of responsibilities, and he didn’t get a moment to catch his breath until he was settling into bed that evening, closing his maroon curtains while fiddling with the gold tassels on the ends. He didn’t see Regulus again, but he was almost grateful for that. Something about Regulus’ smile on the train platform had stirred things inside James. Until that morning, James had compared his emotions towards the younger Black brother to his emotions towards Sirius, strictly friendly, bordering on protective, but now, he was realizing that he had been lying to himself. Friends certainly didn’t feel that way towards one another. 

And then there was Evans. Since James had met Lily, he always had a small crush on her. Who wouldn’t? But now, having a front row seat to see Lily in all her glory as a Prefect, James couldn’t help but be amazed by her all over again. And she had seemed to tolerate his jokes at the feast, even laughing out loud a few times.

James thought back to dinner when Lily’s soft laugh got Regulus’ attention, causing him to look over, smirking again. James caught his eyes from across the Great Hall with Lily’s laughter still ringing in his ears. Things got confusing for him after that, so he thought it best to not think about it. Now though, he had nothing but time to think, and for the first time in his five years at Hogwarts, James’ bed wasn’t comfortable. After thirty minutes of flipping over, getting too hot and throwing his duvet off, then feeling freezing and pulling it back up again, James fell asleep. 

***

He woke up minutes before his alarm the next day feeling exhausted and stiff, but he had important things to do. Since going to his first Chudley Cannons’ game with his mother, James had been determined to become a professional Quidditch player. Now that he was entering his sixth year at Hogwarts and his second year as captain of the Gryffindor team, he couldn’t slow down his training, even if a certain boy with high cheekbones and shoulder length black hair had been tormenting his dreams the night before. He had to simply push those thoughts aside. The Quidditch pitch was waiting. 

It felt good to be back in the Hogwarts changing rooms, the familiar smell of broom polish mixed with the spruce scent charm placed on the room to avoid any unpleasant odors seemed to ground James. He was just finishing putting on his quidditch robes when he heard the oak door open. 

“I wasn’t sure if you still wanted to come to morning practice with me anymore. You know, with the whole situation. Sorry I didn’t wake you-” The rest of his sentence died in his throat when he saw that instead of Sirius, it was Regulus who had walked in, already in his kit. 

“I’ve already been out there for thirty minutes. You’re losing your touch, Potter.” Regulus joked, his eyes playfully scanning James from head to toe. 

“You wish” James laughed, then looked away. He had to be in his bloody kit , James thought to himself.

James was grateful that Regulus didn’t seem to be uncomfortable around him anymore, though, even with him bringing up Sirius’ absence from the Quidditch team which Regulus still didn’t have an explanation for.

“We’ll just have to see then.” Regulus set his broom down, and looked at James again, this time, there was something behind his eyes, nervousness? Trepidation? “Listen,” Regulus started, concern etched into his voice, “I’m sorry if I was a prat before summer.”

James blinked a few times. Getting Sirius to apologize was like pulling teeth, he assumed this was a Black family trait, so hearing those words come out of Regulus’ mouth so freely was something James was not prepared for.

The rest came spilling out of Regulus, like a spring, his pace increasing as he went. “I really appreciated you telling me about Sirius last year, even though I don’t have any right to be concerned about him anymore, and I can see why he likes having you as his best friend. I didn’t want to see that before, but you were so bloody fun to be around. And I guess I realized that you were always going to be there for Sirius first, and that made me jealous. And then, I couldn’t help but feel like I was trying to take one of the few good things that Sirius has going for him for myself, and I don’t want to be the selfish person he knows me as. I want to do better.”

By the end of this, Regulus was staring intently at his gloves, fiddling with a loose string.

James cleared his throat, trying to form a coherent sentence to respond to that. How could he begin to respond to that? 

Regulus beat him to it. “Anyways, I don’t want to make things any more uncomfortable than they are, so I’m just going to-” he turned to the door.

“Wait!” James reached out to grab him, but changed his mind, keeping his hand in the space between them. Regulus turned back, eyes guarded.

“I never thought you were selfish once,” James said earnestly adding with a grin, “and for the record, you’re a bloody riot to be around, too.” 

Regulus relaxed some.

“We don’t have to stop hanging out just because I’m friends with Sirius. I’m allowed to have more than one friend in the Black family.” 

They smiled at each other, and James continued to fold up his school robes.

“We’re good, right?” James added as they walked onto the pitch. “I was just starting to not be so uptight around you, you know.” 

Regulus chuckled, “Fine, we’re good.”

***

After that, they picked things up right where they were left off before the OWLs from the previous term. Only now, instead of “randomly” running into each other, they had the excuse of early morning Quidditch conditioning to spend time in each other's company. While the Gryffindor and Slytherin teams both had morning practices, no one else was as Quidditch crazed as James Potter and Regulus Black to get up early for practice before practice. 

James had never really paid much attention to Regulus on the Quidditch pitch before. Sure, he knew he was one of the better seekers that Slytherin had had in years, but it wasn’t until these practice sessions that James realized how intensely focussed Regulus was when it came to Quidditch. He added it to his mental list of ways that the nearly identical Black brothers were opposites. James noticed how Regulus saw the pitch in the same way that he viewed the rest of his life: he would take a step back, observing the scene from above, weighing all of his options until he was ready to make his move. And when he finally chose to act, it was almost guaranteed that the snitch would be in his hand before long. It was exhilarating watching Regulus in action. James thought that he might never get tired of seeing the Slytherin take a dive on his broom while remaining fully aware of the scene around him. 

It was after one of these morning practices that the unimaginable happened: Lily Evans was waiting for James in the stands. James had been so entranced with watching Regulus making his rounds about the pitch, blue eyes taking in everything, that James didn’t notice the redhead up in the stands. It wasn’t until they were finished with their drills, hair sticking to their foreheads, that James looked up to see her smiling down at him. He politely waved, and said a brief goodbye to Regulus before making his way over to her, hesitant grin on his face. 

The next morning, as they were getting ready for an agility day, Regulus asked him what Lily had wanted. James was uncertain of what to disclose.

“She didn’t really want anything in particular,” James shrugged. “We just talked about next week’s match against Hufflepuff, didn’t even know she was that invested in Quidditch to be quite honest. We also talked some about the Transfiguration homework that’s due, though. I mentioned the whole thing to Sirius, he reckons I should try my luck asking her out.” 

James continued to ramble until he looked up to see Regulus, who was pretending to be very focused on trimming the twigs on his broom, not looking James in the eye. 

“But I’m not sure if I quite want to just yet,” James added. Regulus began packing away his broom kit. 

“Why not? She seems alright,” Regulus asked quietly, standing up, ready to go out on the pitch.

“Well, obviously Evans is amazing. I mean, she’s brilliant, and funny, and knows how to throw a good curse,” James started gesturing as he did when he was struggling for words, “but I don’t know, something just doesn’t... feel right about asking her out at the moment. I feel like I might miss something great if I do.” 

Regulus finally looked up at James, stormcloud grey meeting warm hazel, and James couldn’t get a read on him. Regulus looked as though he was trying to solve three different puzzles  whose pieces had all been placed in the same box. Then, before James knew what was happening, Regulus closed the space between them in three long strides, took James’ head in his hands, and was kissing him. For a moment, everything just seemed right.

By the time James’ brain caught up with what was happening, Regulus pulled away, looking like a trapped animal, his lips parted and eyes wild. Without saying another word, Regulus turned and practically ran out of the room, leaving behind his broom and belongings.

James didn’t see Regulus’ face for a week. He wasn’t on the Quidditch pitch. Since they weren’t in the same year, they already didn’t have any classes together. James even noticed that Regulus took to the habit of eating his meals whenever James wasn’t in the Great Hall, or he would leave in a hurry anytime that James entered. For the first few days after their kiss, James wanted to respect Regulus’s clear desire for space, even though James desperately wanted it to happen again. By the sixth day though, James was getting anxious. 

‘What if Regulus told someone? What if it had all been some sort of embarrassing prank? What if all of the Slytherins knew? What if Regulus was going to tell Sirius ?!’

‘ Okay, that’s definitely not likely ,’ James had to think to himself in an attempt to calm down. He just needed to talk to him and clear the air. But if James knew anything, it was that Regulus needed space. He needed to separate himself from the situation to get a clear view of it to make his next move, but James needed the opposite. He knew he clearly enjoyed spending time with Regulus before, but he didn’t realize the extent to which it impacted his days until he suddenly didn’t have the level-headed presence in his life. James just needed to have everything laid out on the table to see where he and Regulus stood. Finally, after eight days, an opportunity presented itself, and James couldn’t wait any longer. 

James was about to make his way to the greenhouses when saw Regulus walking towards the Owlery alone. He quickly decided to follow from a safe distance, hoping that maybe they could talk. If anything, James just wanted his friend back.

Walking up the stairs, James thought back to their meetings in the Owlery when Regulus would barely look James in the eye. James remembered their brief conversations that had left him wanting more.

“He’s doing alright, we finally convinced him to see Madam Pomfrey about the residual effects of some of the curses they used.”

“That’s good.” Regulus responded, back straight, green tie perfectly square around his neck.

“Erm...he keeps going on about getting one of us to pierce his ear. Normally, I would’ve caved by now, but I have a thing about blood.” James shook his head, “Moony’ll probably do it by the end of term though.” He laughed, looking at Regulus, hoping this didn’t cross the line between a tactical update and what was deemed ‘frivolous detail.’

“Thank you for the update.” Frivolous detail it was.

That was how Regulus had said things had to be back then: brief, diplomatic updates so that he could still feel connected to his brother without feeling as though he was trying to lay a claim on him. He knew that he forfeited that right the night Sirius left 12 Grimmauld Place for good.

With these memories fresh in his mind, James walked into the large room, startling Regulus. They stared at each other for a few moments, James having forgotten how disarming Regulus’ presence was for him, and Regulus seemingly trying to compose himself. 

Finally, Regulus broke the silence, “James, I’m so sorry for the other day, I really don’t know what-”

“Regulus, please don’t apologize. It was amazing. You are amazing”

Regulus blinked his expression uneasy and questioning. James wanted to backtrack, but he also didn’t want to lie. They just stared at each other for a moment.

Regulus cleared his throat. “Oh, I didn’t know you felt that way about, well-” he broke off and gestured towards himself.

“Honestly, me neither until the start of term, but here we are” James laughed, looking out the window.

“Here we are,” Regulus breathed. 

James stepped closer, for one of the first times in his life, uncertain about himself, “I don’t have a clue what I’m doing, Reg.”

“Me neither.” He responded

And then they kissed. It started with a brief brush of their lips, but James moved to deepen the kiss as Regulus’ long fingers found themselves tangled in James’ mess of hair. And it was perfect.

***

Walking back to Gryffindor Tower, James wondered whether or not he and Regulus would ever talk again. Since snogging him was so wonderful, he wouldn’t be opposed to just doing that whenever they were together, but he was mistaken. This new development seemed only to deepen things between them, allowing Regulus to show more of his vulnerable side and open up more and more. At times, James felt more connected to Regulus after spending the afternoon sitting across from him in the library silently enjoying each other's presence than he did after snogging him senseless the night before. 

It was odd, having a part of him that the rest of the Marauders didn’t know about. James was never good at lying and hated dishonesty, but he found that to be able to spend time with Regulus, it was worth it. To sit in the Honeydukes tunnel, guessing what flavor of Bertie Bott’s Beans they were giving each other. To be able to make him blush. To watch Regulus get excited as he talked about his Care of Magical Creatures assignments that he was weeks ahead on. To glance over from across the Great Hall and see his white shirt, perfectly ironed, knowing that in a few hours, it would be crumpled up on the floor of an empty classroom. By December, James realized that he was falling in love.

***

If James thought that the summer had been hard, he didn’t know how to describe his internal state during the Christmas of 1976. He didn’t even have Remus and Sirius around to distract him, as they had both chosen to stay at Hogwarts to let his parents have a Christmas with just family. Often, James would let his mind turn to Regulus, wondering what he was doing. If he was having to get ready for stuffy family dinners. If he had gone shopping for any new Quidditch supplies in Diagon Alley. If he was getting time to read the book on sustainable alternatives to dragon products that James got him as an early Christmas present. 

“You know who deserves better? Dragons,” Regulus ranted to James one day while getting ready for Quidditch. “Take wands for example, you can have a unicorn hair as the core, a phoenix feather, or a dragon heartstring . Can you even name one dragon product that doesn’t require killing the dragon to get it?” Regulus continued on, and James was more than happy to let him. The next Hogsmeade weekend, James found the book on clearance and immediately bought it, receiving a questioning look from Remus.

Even though Remus and Sirius weren’t at his house, he still spoke to them everyday through his compact mirror. Sometimes, he wished he had a second set for him and Regulus, or when he missed him the most, he wished that he had asked Sirius for his mirror back so he could give it to Regulus. He knew that that wouldn’t have been possible. Even if Sirius knew about them, he wouldn’t give up the ability to talk to James whenever he needed him, and James couldn’t ask him for that. 

Overall, it was an uneventful break, and James was more than ready to be back on the Hogwarts Express. As soon as the opportunity presented, James slipped under his cloak and found Regulus, bringing him into an empty carriage. James locked the door, pulling the shade over the window, and turned to face Regulus, smiling broadly before pulling the Slytherin in by his perfectly hemmed robes and kissing him soundly. James wondered how he had been able to go all of break without this. After a few minutes, they came apart, and James beamed at Regulus. “I really missed you,” he smiled.

“ Really ? I couldn’t tell. I, for one, had a grand holiday, and didn’t think about you once as soon as you were out of the picture,” Regulus responded

“How was your holiday though?” James asked. After the events of the last Christmas, James was nervous to hear about what all Regulus had to put up with without Sirius around. 

“Oh, you know, the usual. Big dinners, dress robes, no mention of my brother.” Regulus paused, and James grabbed his hand, “I went to his room, though, and it was weird. I know he put charms on his posters to keep them up, but my parents didn’t take out any of the rest of his stuff. His room is the exact same as it was the day he left. It’s like they want it to be an example to me of what happens if I don’t go along with their expectations for what the Black Heir should be, political affiliations and all.”

They hadn’t talked about the war before. In the past, Regulus would quickly change the subject if things looked like they were remotely heading in that direction, but in that moment, the implications were clear. 

“But you wouldn’t, right? Go along with their expectations? You wouldn’t join him ?” James asked, his voice uneasy.

“I mean, they haven’t asked me to,” Regulus responded, avoiding the taller boy’s hazel eyes.

“But if they do, actually no, when they do, you’re not going to, right?” James continued on, starting to get frustrated. 

“James,” Regulus whispered, “we can’t all be as brave as you. Or Sirius. And you and I both know that my parents would do more than just tell me their expectations, if last year was any example of their methods of persuasion. So, sorry if I don’t want to talk about what’s in store for me if I do that right now.” Regulus turned and paced in the carriage, running a hand through his hair. 

James backed off after that, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that Regulus didn’t actually give him an answer. They carried on as usual though, with early morning practice, secret meetings behind the greenhouses, catching each other’s eyes in the corridors. 

Sometimes, if James had possession of the Marauders Map and they were feeling bold, he would sneak Regulus into the dorm under his invisibility cloak. Once, they were sitting shoulder to shoulder on James’ four poster bed when Regulus reached over and grabbed the map from his nightstand. “What’s this?” he asked James.

“Oh...erm, it’s a map we made. Well, it was Moony’s idea, but we all contributed…” 

“Wait. Is this everyone in the caste?!” Regulus cut him off. 

“...Yeah. It helps us with pranks, plus,” he added hesitantly, “ it’s nice to be able to check in on people.” He wasn’t sure if Regulus would see this as an invasion of privacy, but his fears were quickly pushed aside when Regulus blushed.

“Wow, this is...impressive. You lot are insane.” Regulus was shaking his head as his eyes continued to scan over the parchment, entranced. James was content to watch him as he took everything in, but then his face dropped. “Shit.”

“What??” James sat up and looked over Regulus’ shoulder to see Sirius’ flag next to Regulus’ thumb on the map, walking through the common room on it’s way up to the dorm. “Shit.” James echoed.

They quickly scrambled out of James’ bed, and Regulus turned frantically in the room, looking for a way out or a place to hide. James grabbed the cloak off the end of his bed and quickly threw it over Regulus just as the door to the room creaked open.

James turned on his feet so fast, he stumbled a little, grabbing his bed for support. “Hey Sirius, thought you were in detention?” James asked, voice an octave higher than usual. Shit. He’s going to see right through me , James thought to himself. 

“Not yet, about to head down though. Is it alright if I borrow the cloak for a bit?” Sirius asked over his shoulder as he rooted through his trunk.

“Uh...sorry Padfoot…Pete.. asked for it...he mentioned wanting to see Dezzie tonight, so I gave it to him early.”

Sirius continued to dig through his belongings, seemingly oblivious to James’ floundering. “Well, next time tell him to get more creative with his methods of sneaking around. Aha!” Sirius pulled out a handful of quills. James didn’t recognize them, and Sirius saw that, “I spelled these so that they’ll change certain words after you write them. Didn’t think they’d be useful since you notice it pretty quick, but Moony gave me the idea to change the spell a bit so that there’s a delay. Just need to sneak a few of these into Snape’s bag.”

And with that, Sirius stood up, smiled at James, and left the room. It wasn’t until they watched Sirius’ name leave the common room on it’s way to Filch’s office that Regulus took off the cloak. He still looked slightly panicked, but when he met James’ eye, they both burst out laughing. 

“Sounds like Pete needs to up his game, get more creative,” Regulus tried to say with a straight face.

After they both calmed down a bit, James looked over at the boy next to him and felt a surge of confidence. “It would be nice though to not have to be creative. I really think Sirius would be alright with finding out. About us.” Regulus visibly bristled, but James continued on, grabbing his hand and playing with his knuckles, “I just really like you, Regulus, and I think Remus and Pete would too, and it would just be so much easier, you know?” He kept his eyes on Regulus’ fingers intertwined with his.

“That’s the thing though, your friends hate me. Remus hexes me any chance he gets, and Pettigrew seems harmless, but you should’ve seen the looks he was giving me last term. And don’t get me started on how much Sirius hates my guts.” Regulus paused, collecting himself before continuing on, “I get that your friends are great to you, but I don’t think they would be great with this,” he lifted his and James’s hands, “and I don’t want to risk losing this.”

Regulus looked James in the eye, and it was clear he had made up his mind. James decided to drop it for the time being, hoping that Regulus would change his mind eventually. In the meantime, he would be grateful for their stolen moments.

***

It was after one of these moments that this picture in James’ hand was taken. They had met in the Quidditch supply shed before the Slytherin v. Gryffindor match, and afterwards went to meet a reporter for the Daily Prophet who was doing a spread on the two Hogwarts students who had managed to catch the attention of almost every professional Quidditch team. James knew that he wasn’t going to play professionally until after the war was over, but it still felt nice to be recognized alongside the boy he loved, even if no one else knew that part.

That was before they each went home for the summer, before Seventh Year began, before everything changed, before James realized that Regulus’ fear and perverse sense of loyalty to his family overrode his own morals, before James told him that and saw the hurt flash across his eyes, now frosted over. 

It wasn’t until James saw the tattoo on Regulus’ forearm that he let himself feel the resentment he had been harboring about Regulus’ attitude towards his family or every half-truth Regulus shared regarding his family’s affiliations or every time Regulus shrugged off James’ questions about the war. James felt stupid for not realizing where Regulus stood sooner.

“Did you even try to say no?” James asked with Regulus’ arm in his hands. Regulus’ eyes pleaded with him. “You try saying no to my family!” he responded.

James let go of his arm, “Sirius did.”

“Yeah well I’m not Sirius.”

James huffed, “Well that much is clear.” Regulus was stunned, and his silence allowed James to hit his stride. “How do you see this ending? I know you thought this through. You’re intentional with every decision you make, so walk me through this choice. Make me understand. What’s the best possible outcome at this point? ”

Regulus looked away, then closed his eyes that were now shining and whispered, “James, I’m scared.”

“Scared of what?” James was starting to shout now, “How the rest of the Wizarding World will treat you now that you’ve permanently chosen your side, or scared of how your side will treat you when they find out about your preferences? Because I know you’re too selfish to actually be scared for the innocent people that are being harmed.”

A myriad of emotions flashed across Regulus’ eyes in that instant: shock, panic, hurt, betrayal, until they finally settled on emptiness. Without another word, Regulus turned his back and left James’ life.

James didn’t have any regrets immediately. Regulus had made his choice, and no part of James wanted anything to do with someone who would choose what Regulus had. 

After some time, he started seeing Lily, maybe to prove a point to Regulus, maybe to prove a point to himself. Regardless of his original intentions, he was surprised by how quickly he fell in love with her, learning that there isn’t just one person for everyone. Figuring that out gave James more peace about Regulus and how things ended. He was no longer worried that he had wasted his “one” on someone who could do horrendous things.

But now, looking at this picture, doubt crept its way in. Maybe if he had been more adamant about trying to help Regulus leave his family behind, encouraged Sirius to reach out to him instead of keeping Regulus all to himself, tried to listen to Regulus that day instead of shutting him down, maybe if he had said anything besides threatening to out him, things would have been different. 

And all James was left with now was what-ifs and an obituary for Regulus Arcturus Black using a picture from when they were both naive and at their happiest.