Archive of Our Own ^beta

Another fight. Another minimum holder. Normally that’s quite an odd sight. Though it's gotten, for some reason, more common. I don’t know why, and I frankly do not care. All I care about right now is that this guy I'm fighting right now is tough as fuck. Well, he did have some kind of minions, who are also minimum holders, helping him, but I’ve taken them out long ago. His physical ability is out of the roof and he is also rather fast. Nothing I normally couldn’t handle. His minimum though. That’s the problem here. It seems to be mind reading but it figures out where your mental weakness is, and he is very vocal about it. Good thing is that, until know, I've been able to ignore it pretty successfully.

Out of nowhere I felt some kind of tentacles against my arms and legs. As I turned my head saw I one of the minions look at me with a slight grin. Guess I haven’t taken them down completely. Now I was trapped. Of course, did I try to escape, thought that only made it worse. And of course, did Ratio have to get caught up in a different fight right fucking now. That’s just great. I hear the voice of that bastard again and mentally prepare myself for whatever the hell he is going to say. Yes, I sometimes think badly about myself. Yes, I am more than a little afraid of dying. Yes, I know all of that. It is not going to hurt me.

“It’s not mainly the fact that you’re dying. It’s the fact that you’re going to lose him, isn’t it?”

I stop moving. Of course, he must point out that one thing I wasn’t prepared for. That one thing I don’t think I ever can prepare myself for. When I die, I will leave him behind. I will leave the person that means the absolute most to me. I will leave Ratio. The thought alone makes me want to cry. It’s not normal for me to want to cry.

I am so paralyzed by that I don’t even notice that guy charging at me with an insane amount of speed. The moment I realize what’s happening he is already right in front of me, his fist about to hit my face. Though, that doesn’t happen. Before that guy can react, someone is already punching him away. That someone being Ratio.

“Are you ok?” He asks while beating that bastard up until he is unconscious. I nod slightly. Seeing him after thinking about losing him makes me unable to speak. I just know that we are going to talk about it later, and frankly I'm not looking forward to it.

Some minutes later and now we are sitting in Ratio's car on our way home. We live together since Ratio wants to be there in case something happens. He really is a bit of a worrywart. No matter how good he is at the act of the serious and cool guy I know that he is a softie inside. That whole cool guy thing is just a façade to protect him from the hurt that other people may cause him. For me it’s easy to see through though, because I've known him for so long. Though he also doesn’t let my very own façade fool him. My façade, which exists to make myself look stronger. To not let people, know how afraid I really am of dying. To not look like such a fucking whimp! For Ratio, that façade has fallen long ago.

“You’re really quiet. Is everything ok?”

Just when I’m thinking about it. I try to replay with something witty, but my words get stuck in my throat. The thoughts come back. The thoughts about dying. The fear of losing Ratio. The fear of the inevitable. I take a deep breath.

“If I cry, you won’t tell anyone, right?”

With a fond expression Ratio glances over to me and nods. Shortly after I break down. All these tears rolling down my cheeks represent the fear I have. The fear that now shows itself to the outside world. That’s why I hate crying. I don’t want people to see my fears. I only want them to see the good parts about me. The strong parts. The happy parts. Just everything positive about me. But with Ratio, I do not care. He has seen me in way worse states. In way uglier states. So, this is ok. Here I can let go for a second.

“It’s because of death, right?”

I crack a small, fragile smile between tears. ‘Because of death’. He really doesn’t like to acknowledge the fact that I'm dying. Can’t say I blame him though. I don’t like it either.

“More that, when it happens, I’m going to leave you behind.”

Now that it’s out my tears feel like they increase. I don’t even know why I had voiced these thoughts just now. It's just felt right. Ratio looks rather taken aback but then breaks into a soft smile. He brings his free hand up to my face and wipes away my tears. Then he takes my hand and interwinds our fingers. Seriously, my heart might just stop.

“I’ll make sure that that doesn’t happen. Just wait a little longer, alright?”

Suddenly my heart feels warm. He really means the world to me. I have no idea how a person like me deserves someone like him. I must have been pretty amazing in my past life. Still, my tears start flowing again. This time though, because of an overwhelming amount of happiness, instead of sadness.

“You’re really into crying today, huh?”

Between little sobs, I start laughing. Yes, today is one of those days. One of those days, where I'm not able to uphold my façade, and that’s totally ok. Because Ratio will always be there to make sure that I'm ok even if it’s hard. Now even more positive feelings start bubbling up in my chest. They make me say something long overdue. Something we both already know, even though neither have said it. Something we both already have accepted and are grateful for.

“I love you, Ratio.”

Said man smiles and responds, with the most loving tone in his voice:

“I love you too, Birthday.”