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Blue and pink are the colours of the walls that Mickey and Ian had finally settled for after much arguing about what colour would be the best.
“We don’t want to put her in a box Mick,” Ian had said.
“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Mickey said. “I’m gonna be the one painting the walls anyway.”
Ian had gone to meet up with Lip for lunch as Mickey took the reins of painting their daughter’s nursery. And just like that he had, spent the whole day in a ratty tank top meticulously painting the wall just like Ian had ordered him, a pastel blue and pink shade on opposite walls. It wasn’t until the evening that Mickey was finally done, looking at it with a tired smile on his face, but giddy with excitement nevertheless. A week, only a week until she was finally coming home.
It was a strange feeling, one that Mickey hadn’t thought he’d ever feel. Sometimes he felt like his chest could explode from all the love he felt for the tiny human being as he had held her into his arms once, she was so tiny and fragile that Mickey felt the instantaneous urge to protect her from any and all harm.
“Mick?”
It was Ian standing by the doorway, a slight smile on his face.
“So, what do you think?” Mickey asked looking around the room.
“Not too shabby,” Ian said. “I like it.”
“So, how was your lunch huh?”
“Good, good Lip gave us Freddie’s old crib. It’s out in the living room and in pretty good condition. He even repainted it for us.”
“Repainted?”
“Yeah.”
“Aren’t paint fumes supposed to be really bad for babies?”
“You’re painting the nursery.”
“Yeah, with the baby safe expensive shit okay,” Mickey said. “Supposed to be organic or whatever.”
“Maybe Lip painted it with baby-safe paint,” Ian said.
“Yeah, I doubt that,” Mickey said. “Never mind though I’ll just repaint like I do everything.”
“Come on Mickey, it’s not that a big deal.”
“Uh yes, it is,” Mickey said as began picking up the newspaper off the floor. “I read a blogpost.”
“So, now you’re an expert?”
“No, I just want what is best for the baby and if the fucking internet mommies tell you that paint fumes are bad then they are bad.”
“Jesus okay, do whatever the internet mommy blogs tell you.”
“You know,” Mickey said. “Some of the ladies really have a lot of wisdom to share, fucking things you’d never even consider and they have a whole opinion piece on it. I swear I learned like 1000 new words in one day.”
“Never pegged you one to read fucking parenting blogs.”
“One of them,” Mickey said as he dragged the crib in the nursery from the living room. “Said vaccines cause autism or shit. That’s had me really worried.”
“All right I’m really gonna take your phone away if you read one more of those stupid parenting blogs.”
How could anyone cry so much? It was constant, wailing all day and all night. Mickey doesn’t remember the last time he slept uninterrupted for more than half an hour. Even now his eyes are open as Isabella continues to cry.
“Ian, it’s your turn,” he mumbles.
“No, it’s not,” Ian says covering his ears with pillows.
“Don’t lie.”
“I’m not.”
“Ian,” Mickey yelled.
“No, I already went twice, it’s your turn,” Ian yelled.
“Jesus, fine,” Mickey said getting up. He yawned, sighing as he went to the nursery. Her cries only got louder threatening to give Mickey a headache.
“What is it now Bells huh?” he said as he picked her up. “You’re clean, you’re fed, then why don’t you sleep?”
She continued crying as Mickey rocked her walking as he did it.
“Daddy needs sleep too you know,” he said patting her back slowly in an attempt to calm her down. It worked a little as her cries got a little less loud.
It took him a whole 15 minutes before she was finally quiet and ready to fall asleep as he placed her in the crib carefully watching her eyes droop slowly.
“Night Princess,” he whispered as he left the nursery. He was so sleepy but it was already 4 am and there was not much time to catch up with his sleep before he had to up again. But at this time, he would be grateful for the few winks he does get.
“Thank you, Mick,” Ian whispered as Mickey lied down on the bed. “For getting her to quiet down. She hates me now.”
“Well, it’s your own fault for growing that awful beard,” Mickey said. “I never liked it. I told you to shave it.”
“And I did!” Ian said outraged. “And now Bells thinks I’m a stranger. I swear every time I pick her; she cries even louder.”
“Well, that’s what you get for making me deal with all that hair when I kissed you.”
“Fuck you, Mick.”
Mickey laughed as Ian pulled him closer and pressed a kiss on his neck before they finally fell asleep. At 4:30 am however the quiet house echoed with loud cries again and this time Ian had no choice but to leave his warm comfortable bed and check on his daughter.
“If she’s hungry, you know get her milk but don’t you give it to her in anything in plastic cups okay,” Mickey mumbled in his sleep. “I told you to throw out all that plastic crap but you didn’t.”
“What? When?”
“Last week remember all that plastic, dye, all child cancer!”
“Mickey, you gotta stop reading those mommy blogs,” Ian said. “I told you already.”
“Yeah, yeah, now just go.”
Mickey’s life had a made complete overhaul ever since Isabella’s arrived. She was six months old now and had started crawling which meant Ian and Mickey had to spend a whole weekend babyproofing every nook and crevice of their house. The whole world in fact didn’t seem as safe as it did before. Every little thing looked like a potential death trap, something that could harm their daughter, from the toys with their cancerous dyes and choking possibilities to the assholes that sped by even when there was a clear baby on board sign on the car. Mickey flipped the driver who yelled a loud ‘fuck you’ as he drove by.
“Fucking asshole,” he muttered under his breath.
He drove home and was already to complain to Ian who helped him unload the groceries.
“I swear it’s like no one even gives a fuck about traffic rules anymore,” she said. “And what are the cops doing? Those pigs. Do they even care about people speeding?”
“Don’t let some asshole rile you up so much Mickey,” Ian said.
Mickey nodded as he took Isabella into his arms. He closed the car door and followed Ian into the house. She was crying a little.
“Do you need to be changed huh?” he asked. “Don’t worry, we will get you changed in a minute okay?”
Mickey set her down on the changing table tickling her a little. She smiled a little as Mickey stuck his tongue out.
“Ian,” he yelled. “Get me the diapers.”
There was no answer.
“Ian!”
Mickey sighed and went to the living room to get the diapers himself. He could hear Isabella crying loudly again. He rushed back and saw Isabella lying on the ground crying her eyes out.
“Oh my god, oh my god,” Mickey said. “Fuck fuck”
“What is it, Mick?” Ian appeared behind him. “Why were you yelling?”
“Ian oh my god,” Mickey said. “She fell.”
“What?” Ian said shocked.
“I was changing her…I couldn’t…I couldn’t find the diapers and when I come back…she…she was on the floor, she fell.”
Ian bent down and picked up Isabella and began rocking her. She showed no signs of stopping her crying.
“We gotta take her to the doctor right,” Mickey stuttered. “Come on Ian.”
“Yeah, um why don’t you go start the car,” Ian said. “I’ll just grab her bag okay.”
The drive to the doctor was filled with anxiety. It was only 10 minutes away; Ian had picked a doctor close by for precisely this reason. But to Mickey, they seemed like the longest ten minutes of his life as he drove, which were followed by ten more minutes of waiting in the doctor’s face as his heart filled with guilt each time Bella’s crying filled the silence of the waiting room. Ian held her close by his chest slowly patting her back.
When the doctor saw them, Mickey told her what happened. It seemed harder to repeat the incident. Ian squeezed his hand as the doctor took a look at Bella. It was hard to decipher what exactly she was happening with the doctor’s serious expression.
“Isabella is fine,” she said finally after a long time. “No concussion, no serious head injury or head trauma, nothing on her body, not even a bruise.”
“Well, then why she is crying?” Mickey asked anxiously.
“I think she is just a hungry baby,” the doctor said looking at Isabella. “Aren’t you?”
Isabella smiled a little at the doctor.
“Are you sure?” Mickey asked. “Are you sure she is completely fine?”
“Yes Mr Milkovich, babies are very resilient creatures, they might not look it but they are,” the doctor said smiling. “Just be more careful the next time. Also bring her for another check-up tomorrow evening. And if something’s wrong with her at all, you can call me, or come to the clinic. Though I don’t think that would be necessary, Isabella is a healthy baby.
“Thank you, doctor,” Ian said.
“You’re welcome,” she smiled.
“Bye Isabella,” the doctor waved goodbye as they left the office. Mickey drove back home, his heart still heavy with guilt despite the doctor’s very reassuring words.
When they reached home, Mickey retreated to his bedroom.
“Where are you going?”
“Headache,” Mickey answered.
Mickey took a shower first and even that didn’t help much for his state of mind as he sat down on the bed staring ahead at the wall, his mind a complete mess of various thoughts. He heard a knock on the door.
“Mickey,” Ian said. “Can I?”
Mickey looked at him and just nodded. He was holding Bella in his arms as he entered the room and sat down next to him.
“Fed this one was very hungry, got her to burp too, now just gotta wait till she’s tired enough to fall asleep.”
Mickey just nodded.
“You okay?”
Mickey nodded again.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah.”
“You know it wasn’t your fault, right?” Ian said. “You didn’t mean for it to happen.”
“But it did happen.”
“It could have happened to anyone, it could have happened while I was changing her,” Ian said.
“But it didn’t, it happened on my fucking watch,” Mickey said. “Can’t even take care of my daughter properly.”
“It was a mistake, Mickey, you realize that right,” Ian said. “Besides she is fine, she is a tough cookie this one okay?”
Mickey said nothing.
“You probably wouldn’t have blamed me if this happened while I was changing her,” Ian continued. “So, stop blaming yourself.”
Mickey still sat there completely silent.
“You wanna hold her,” Ian offered. Mickey looked at Ian shocked and hesitated.
“Come on, you should hold her,” Ian encouraged him handing Bella to him. “You are her father.”
“Come on go ahead.”
Mickey hesitantly took her in his arms and closed his eyes as he held her close to his chest.
“I am so sorry baby,” he whispered. “I am so so sorry.”
He kissed the top of her head. Ian slid closer to Mickey wrapping his arms around Mickey’s waist and kissed his cheek.
“It’s okay,” he said.
“I promise to never hurt you again okay,” Mickey said against her.
Isabella was slowly falling asleep as Mickey sat holding her.
“You wanna put her in her crib?” Ian offered.
Mickey nodded as he stood up, he took small careful steps as he headed to her room and placed her down carefully. He looked at her and felt so unbelievably helpless at the moment that he couldn’t do better no matter how hard he was trying. But he was going to keep trying, he wanted to do better.
“I love you so much,” he said as he left the room and headed back to his bedroom.
“Is she asleep?” Ian asked.
“Yeah.”
“Good.”
Mickey sat down on the bed. Ian hugged him taking him by surprise.
“Don’t be too hard on yourself okay, Mick,” he said. “It was a mistake, as horrible as it was.”
Mickey nodded. Ian kissed his forehead.
“You’re a good father,” Ian said. “Bells is lucky to have you.”
“A much better father than either of us could ever have,”
“I wanna be better,” Mickey said quietly.
“You already are.”
Mickey said nothing as Ian stroked in a back in a reassuring way.
“I love you,” Ian said. “And I love how you love our daughter.”
Mickey smiled a little.
“I love you too.”
Mickey was in utter panic mode. There was just so much to do, so much to organize, it was like the whole world was collapsing on itself but his day was made worse, just so much worse by the baker’s assistant’s incompetence.
“I confirmed thrice,” Mickey said. “Not one, not two, three fucking times. That I needed an Anna cake, not an Elsa cake, Anna, you moron.”
The young guy looked nervous but didn’t dare say anything as he just stared at Mickey.
“And now you have just ruined my daughter’s first birthday party, you realize, that right?” Mickey said. “It’s her first birthday, and she can’t have her Anna cake.”
“I am sorry sir, I can fix this. I can try.”
“Can you really?” Mickey asked sarcastically. “Can you? Cause my guests are my coming in two hours and you think you can make me a new cake.”
Just then his phone rang. It was Ian. Mickey picked up his call.
“What’s up?” Mickey asked.
“Did you get the cake?”
“No, there’s been a major fuck up at the bakery,” Mickey said glaring at the baker’s assistant who looked away nervously.
“Why, what happened?”
“We ordered an Anna cake right, well the morons here made us an Elsa cake,” Mickey said. “Can you believe this shit?”
“So?”
“So, seriously Ian?”
“It’s not like Bells can tell the difference,” Ian said.
“I can tell the difference.”
“Jesus just get the cake; an Elsa cake is better than no cake okay.”
“Fine.”
Mickey hung up and headed back to the counter.
“Just give me the Elsa cake,” he said scratching his eyebrow.
“Okay sir,” the guy said as he handed Mickey the cake. “And some complimentary cake pops for your trouble.”
“Well um thanks,” Mickey said awkwardly as he left the bakery. He carefully put the cake on the front seat and drove home. Back home there was no less chaos. All the Gallaghers were in their living room, their niece’s first birthday party was a big affair, and his husband’s noisy family members only added to his stress.
“Are you done with the decorations?” he asked Ian.
“Yes, Fiona and Lip helped,” Ian answered. “What about the food? The artichoke dip did you….”
“All done,” Ian said placing his hands on Mickey’s shoulder. “Just relax.”
“The cake’s in the kitchen,” Mickey said. “We should get started in some time. Where’s Bells?”
“She’s with Carl over there,” Ian pointed. Mickey saw Carl playing with her. Isabella giggling. Mickey headed over to them.
“She’s adorable,” Carl said. “Can’t believe she is one already.”
“Yeah, me neither, crazy huh.”
Carl nodded before he stuck his tongue out towards Isabella who giggled. Carl’s phone began ringing so he handed Bella over to Mickey. She looked so pretty in her purple dress, her silver tiara and the fairy wand that she just wouldn’t let go off.
As the guests arrived, they swarmed over at Bella and Mickey, marvelling at her and though Bella didn’t really understand what was happening she seemed to be enjoying the attention a lot.
The party started, the Gallaghers helped them bring out the food. Ian brought the cake out. Around thirty people all stood cramped in Ian and Mickey’s modest living room singing Happy Birthday. Ian and Mickey blew out the candles together as everyone clapped including Bella completely fascinated by everything happening around her.
“Dada!” she suddenly said. Both Ian and Mickey looked at each other shocked.
“Holy fuck,” Mickey said. “Did she just say her first words?”
“Bells, sweetie say dada again!” Ian said.
“Dada!” she repeated.
“Oh my god,” Ian said. “She is actually talking!”
Everyone clapped again which made Isabella even happier and made her say a Dada a few more times.
“Wait,” Carl asked. “Who is she calling dada?”
“Definitely me,” Mickey said confidently.
“Pfft, it’s me,” Ian said before he turned towards Isabella. “It’s me right, Bells. I’m Dada, right?”
Bella said nothing this time making Mickey laugh.
“See, she knows I’m Dada,” he said. “She is calling me dada.”
Ian flipped him off making Mickey roll his eyes.
“Say it Bells come on one more time,” Mickey encouraged. “Dada!”
But Isabella didn’t speak again not all night despite a lot of encouragement. It wasn’t until Ian and Mickey went to put her to bed completely exhausted from the day that she spoke up again.
“Dada!” she said as they headed outside but quickly froze looking back at her. She looked back at them with a grin on her face.
“Oh, she knows she’s fucking with us,” Mickey said with a chuckle.
“Definitely.”
The principal’s office was dull and beige with not a splash of colour on any of its walls, and neither on the principal’s face as she looked at Ian and Mickey, her face sullen and bored. It wasn’t even three months ago that they had sat before her as she interviewed them to see if they were fit to have their daughter study in her school.
“Mr Gallagher and Mr Milkovich,” she said her voice low. “We are here to discuss your daughter Isabella’s behaviour.”
“Why, what did she do?” Ian asked.
The principal cleared her throat shuffling papers on her desk before sitting up straighter.
“Your daughter Isabella has been hitting other children,” the principal said. “At first we ignored it thinking they were one-off incidents. But we are noticing a pattern now. Your daughter is terrorizing the other children.”
“Terrorizing…what?” Mickey said. “Bells would never do that.”
“Mr Milkovich,” the principal said. “We have proof, several of the teachers and students have seen Isabella hitting children on the playground, in class.”
“Well, then in that case they must be doing something to her, what is she supposed to do? Not fight back?” Mickey fired back.
“Mickey…” Ian squeezed his hand trying to calm him down.
“This is some bull…this is ridiculous,” Mickey said. “You can’t blame it all on our daughter.”
“The truth is plain and simple Mr Milkovich and Mr Gallagher,” the principal said. “Your daughter is a bully, and we have a no-tolerance policy for bullies in this school. Consider this is as a first strike but we will be keeping a close eye on your daughter from now on. And if we don’t see a change in her behaviour, I am afraid we’d have to let her go.”
“Let her go?” Ian asked. “You mean expel?”
The principal nodded.
“I’d suggest you talk to Isabella, explain to her that her behaviour is wrong,” she said. “And I’d also suggest getting into contact with a child psychologist. You might get some much-needed insight into her behaviour.”
“You are saying she needs to see a shrink?” Mickey yelled. “She is four years old for god’s sake.”
“It’s only a suggestion, one that could help her.”
“Um, thank you, we will uh look into it,” Ian said as he stood up. Mickey followed suit and they left the office together.
“That fucking bitch,” Mickey said. “The nerve of her telling us that Bella is ‘terrorizing’ children. She is four. She is doing nothing like that.”
“And expelling a four-year-old, who even does that?” Mickey continued his rant. “We didn’t work so hard to get admission in this school to have her expel Bella, I won’t fucking let her!”
“Mickey, calm down,” Ian said. “We will talk to Bells. Let’s say what she has to say okay.”
Mickey just nodded as they headed to the gates to wait to pick up Bella whom they spotted walking. She saw her fathers and immediately broke out in a run. The teacher behind her couldn’t keep up as she ran towards Mickey and Ian. She wrapped her arms around Mickey’s legs who immediately picked her up. Ian grinned coming closer and planting a kiss on the top of her head.
“How was your day, sweetie?” Ian asked ruffling her hair. “Did you have fun at school?”
“No.”
“Why not?” Mickey asked as they began walking towards the car.
“Because school sucks.”
“School doesn’t suck,” Ian said. “You have your friends there; you get to play with them, learn new things.”
“I don’t have any friends.”
“Why not?” Ian asked.
“Because they suck!” she yelled.
“Language,” Ian said.
Mickey sighed a little as he opened the car door and put her in the back before fastening her seatbelt.
“Hey, Bells,” he said. “You wanna get some ice cream?”
Bella nodded enthusiastically letting out a small yelp of joy as Mickey closed the door.
“Ice cream really Mickey?” Ian whispered as Mickey entered the car. “You are going to reward bad behaviour?”
Mickey rolled his eyes as Ian began driving. He looked back at Bella who seemed preoccupied staring out of the car window.
“Hey, Bella.”
“Mmhm.”
“Your principal called us to talk about you today,” Mickey said. Ian looked at him with raised eyebrows but Mickey continued.
“She told us that you sometimes hit the other children,” he said. “Is it true?”
Bella was now looking straight ahead. Mickey noticed her expression full of worry.
“It’s okay Bells,” Ian said. “We won’t punish you.”
“Yeah, you just need to tell us if you ever hit the other kids.”
“Some…sometimes…,” she answered hesitantly.
“Why?” Ian asked looking back at her. They were stuck in traffic now.
“I don’t like them…,”
“Why do you not like them?” Mickey asked.
“I don’t know,” she answered. Ian sighed as the lights turned green and he started driving again. Mickey scratched his eyebrows. This was beyond their expertise that is if they had any expertise in raising children. But it seemed like every day was a challenge that he had never anticipated when he had first held Isabella in his hands at a mere few days old. He looked at her. She was still his little angel and even now he felt the same urge to protect her even now.
They stopped at the ice cream shop much to Ian’s dismay, but Mickey wasn’t going to promise to his daughter especially not when he noticed she looked sad after they had brought up her behaviour at school. But at least the sight of banana split ice cream perked her up.
“Bella, you were supposed to get your Maths quiz back, today right?” Ian asked. “Did you?”
She nodded before fishing it out of her backpack and handing it to him.
“A+” Ian exclaimed. “Good job.”
“Isn’t my Bella a genius?” Mickey said holding up his hand to her who high fived it.
“Oh, and we also had art period,” she said. “I drew a picture of us.”
She handed them the picture. It was a shabbily drawn stick figure of a house with a little picket fence, a big sun and there was them, Ian, Mickey and Bella in between their red smiles that extended beyond their egg-shaped faces. Mickey couldn’t help but smile as he looked at the drawing.
“This is beautiful,” Ian said.
“You’re a little artist huh,”
“Yeah, we gotta hang this masterpiece on the fridge,” Ian said. “Right daddy?”
Mickey nodded as Bella grinned.
“You done with that Bella?” Ian asked at the remaining melted puddle of ice cream. She nodded. Ian wiped her face. They left the shop and started driving home. It didn’t take long for Bella to fall asleep in the backseat. Mickey looked at her, as she slept blissfully unaware of everything around her.
“I am worried about her Ian,” Mickey said.
“Huh.”
“All this fighting,” Mickey said. “I don’t want to believe it. But she is hitting kids and we don’t even know why.”
Ian was a bit taken aback at Mickey’s deep worry about their daughter as he looked at Mickey’s creased forehead.
“I mean, it’s wrong definitely,” Ian began. “But kids fight you know. I know we did, like a lot.”
“Yeah, but that was us, we were basically feral children,” Mickey said. “No one gave a shit what we did, least of us our parents. We were fucked up from the start.”
“It’s just,” he continued. “I am worried that we are fucking her up like our parents did to us. Are we fucking her up Ian?”
There was genuine shock on Ian’s face as he looked at Mickey. The car came to halt at a red light.
“Why would you think that?”
“I mean our daughter’s go-to solution to things is beating up people,” Mickey said. “That’s pretty fucked up I’d say.”
“Mick, we are not fucking her up,” Ian said. “There could be any reason she is acting like that.”
“I know, I know, it’s just…what is the point if she turns out like us…like me?”
The traffic light turned green. Ian said nothing as they drove home while Mickey stared out of the car window, with his head full of worries. When they reached home, Mickey stepped out of the car and picked up Bella who was still asleep, careful not to wake her up. Ian unlocked the door. Mickey headed upstairs to Bella’s room. He set her down on the bed, watching her stir a little before she finally settled down. He tucked her in, planting a kiss on her forehead.
“I love you Bells,” he said in a hushed voice playing with her long blonde hair. He kissed her little balled up fist before leaving the room taking one long last look at his sleeping daughter as he closed the door. He headed downstairs to the kitchen. Ian was leaning against the counter staring at the fridge door. Isabella’s drawing was hung now with a strawberry-shaped magnet, next to the week’s grocery list and a note from Ian to remind Mickey to clean the drains that he was yet to do.
Mickey hopped on the counter, Ian finally noticed him placing a hand on his knee and squeezing it.
“Beer?” he asked. Mickey just nodded. Ian got two bottles out of the fridge.
“It’s nice right,” Ian said pointing at the drawing. “I mean she’s no Picasso. But it’s good.”
Mickey laughed a little before taking a sip from his beer.
“Hey, Mick,” Ian said turning towards him. “We’re not fucking her up okay.”
Mickey said nothing.
“I know we didn’t have the best parenting role models in our life. The closest thing I had was Fiona, and she was a kid herself. But we are still doing our best. We’re trying.”
“My point is,” Ian continued. “We aren’t our parents okay. We are better than them.”
Mickey nodded a little.
“You’re a good dad Mickey,” Ian said cupping Mickey’s face. “You might not think so but you are doing really great.”
Ian kissed him before hugging him.
“We got this Mick,” he said. “You and me.”
“You know tomorrow,” Mickey said. “We should look up that child shrink thing you know just in case.”
“Are you sure?”
Mickey nodded.
“You know out of all this one thing’s for sure,” Ian said after a minute of silence. “She is really our daughter through and through.”
Mickey couldn’t help but burst out laughing and so did Ian. He was still worried, not just about today but about a million different scenarios that his mind seemed to be creating about Isabella but at that moment he felt better, so much better because he knew he always had Ian by his side and with him he knew he could always figure it out.