Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“LAFAYETTE, HOLY FUCK!”

Lafayette heard something heavy hit his door, followed by a soft “ow” and the sound of an idiot deciding to use the doorknob like a normal person.

“Language, your majesty.”

“Afayette-lay, oly-hay uck-fay?”

“Stop.”

Marie flung herself onto his bed, and rolled onto her side to face him. She was in her nightgown; normally Gilbert would be scandalized if he saw an indecently dressed woman in his bed, but Marie was no ordinary woman, and they had no ordinary relationship. It wasn’t romantic by any means, after Marie’s sudden personality shift, Gilbert began to see her as a very annoying sister. Gilbert would often find himself pondering which Marie he liked more, obviously he was closer with the new one, she made sure of it, but each had their pros and cons. New Marie was fiercely intelligent; he knew that much. She was decisive, courageous, strong-willed, but nevertheless kind; earning her the title of “Austrian Angel” from the people. She was an extremely competent queen, but her personality would shift entirely when she was around people she “liked”. Marie was vulgar, Gilbert heard her cuss more in a month than she ever had before; casual as well, often speaking in an informal way, and using slang he was pretty sure didn’t exist. In the end, Gilbert considered them friends; although he would really have preferred if Marie didn’t-

“Dude, it’s two AM, why are you still up?” Marie said as she began abusing- I mean fluffing a pillow.

Gilbert’s train of thought crashed and burned, and he rolled his eyes.

“Why are you up? And in my quarters of all things!”

“Chill, Laffy Taffy,” Gilbert was now beginning to understand why people committed treason, “let me explain.”

“Am I forced to listen?”

“Yes. Now, where was I? Right, so you know how it’s two AM?”

“I’m aware it’s two in the morning.”

“So, like, I was vibing in Louis’s room because I love my husband and want to hold him. A bunch of hours passed and like he wasn’t coming.”

“Did it occur to you that perhaps, the great ineffable Marie could have possibly been in the wrong room?” Gilbert remarked dryly

“No other noble has that many books. Anyways, I went to his workshop and surprise, surprise: Louis was asleep in his workshop. Again.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Lafayette wasn’t going to express his gratitude to a woman who was currently making a mess of his bed.

“I am physically a stick and sticks can’t carry their husbands to bed. Also, he looked like he was crying, so I came up with a plan.”

“I’ll carry him, but I want absolutely nothing- do you hear me- nothing to do with your plan “

“You haven’t even heard it yet!”

“Your last plan was to make an army of cats.”

“First of all, fuck you. Second of all, this is a good plan, I promise!”

“Would Fersen approve?”

“I haven’t asked him yet, but he definitely would.”

“That settles it. Whatever you’re scheming is idiotic and I want nothing to do with it.”

With that, Marie stuck out her tongue at him, and the two walked through the cold palace in the dead of night to Louis’s workshop. Louis had somehow managed to fall off his chair while he was asleep and was crumpled on the floor. Gilbert hoisted him up and flung him like a very sad sack of potatoes over his shoulder, while Marie watched in amusement. She stifled a laugh as Louis’s limbs flopped around like a ragdoll’s, as they walked through the palace with the unconscious king. After delicately tucking Louis in, Gilbert scooped up Marie, carried her to her own quarters and chucked her onto her bed.

The next day, Gilbert was in for more suffering at the hands of the most annoying royal on the planet.

“Her Majesty the queen demands your attendance in the gardens immediately.” A particularly skittish servant announced to Gilbert while he was trying to eat his lunch.

“I’ll be there right away.” He swiftly responded. It’s not like Gilbert could say no to the queen’s requests in public after all.

When he got to the gardens, Marie’s eyes lit up and she waggled her eyebrows. Fersen, Blaisdell, and d’Eon were sitting behind her, all with identical smirks. By all, I mean just d’Eon and Blaisdell; Fersen waved at Gilbert with a big dorky smile.

“Well, well, well… If it isn’t my loyal knight.” Marie said with a flourish.

“Your existence brings me physical pain, Your Majesty.” Gilbert deadpanned back.

“Thanks!” She beamed cheekily. “Now, sit down, I know you all are waiting with anticipation to hear my latest plan!”

“I’m afraid not- “ Gilbert began, “wait, d’Eon is using my chair on top of theirs!”

“They like to be tall.” Marie said dismissively

“Where am I supposed to sit?”

“On a bush” dared Blaisdell.

“On my lap” Fersen piped in.

“Perish.” D’Eon said, unblinking, and with a shit-eating grin.

Gilbert just stood and let out an audible groan, glaring at the queen before him. If she noticed, Marie certainly didn’t mind, as she just kept yapping on.

“So, I’m sure you all are well aware of how my husband is an absolute unit and deserves the world.” Marie looked around for confirmation and was met with vigorous nodding heads. “WELL, I keep walking on him crying himself to sleep. It’s been going on for way too long so I have come up with a glorious plan!”

Fersen shot his brain cell a thumbs up.

“We’re going to surprise Auguste with things that he likes!”

“Like what, Your Majesty?” Gilbert deadpanned, shooting her a look that could make d’Eon piss themselves.

“Didn’t think that far. Honestly Lafayette, I’m surprised and quite frankly appalled that you genuinely had faith that I was smart.”

The amount of restraint it took Gilbert not to flip her off then and there was gargantuan.

“So, I’m thinking we’re going to put the surprise in his study, cause that’s his favourite place. But there is one glaring issue… We need to keep him out of there for as long as possible. Anyone volunteer to keep my adorable husband distracted?”

“I’LL DO IT!” Gilbert uncharacteristically yelled, desperate to have as little involvement in the plan as possible .

“No, I need you to carry things for me.” Marie shot back instantly, much to his dismay .

“I’d be happy to accompany the king for the day-“ Blaisdell started, sensing an opening .

“Someone whose idea of showing the king a good time does not include murder.” Interrupted Marie .

“I guess that rules me out as well.” Murmured d’Eon.

All eyes fell on Fersen.

“I’d be happy to- “ Fersen started .

“NO.” Said everyone unanimously. By everyone, I mean everyone but Fersen, who quite frankly, looked a little hurt.

“That’s literally everyone.” Lafayette stated as he fought an idiot migraine. (The type of migraine you get from being around an idiot for way too long)

“What about- FUCK ME IN THE ASS, I FORGOT TO GET GABRIELLE!” Marie screamed as she made a mad dash away from the meeting spot.

Marie’s thoughts raced through her mind faster than she was able to crawl up a hedge in a giant poofy gown and heavy jewelry. Which basically meant her thoughts were racing faster than the speed of light. Technically she wasn’t Marie, because in her actual body Eyes definitely would have been able to run faster with her uncomfortably gangly limbs. Magical storybooks seriously needed a built-in function to maintain some form of consistent athleticism between bodies. Eyes not-so-silently cursed under her breath as she realized that Marie’s body clearly wasn’t the right build for sprinting, unlike Gina’s, another character in the storybook, who she was in just that morning. On the bright side, Marie had good vision, a luxury Eyes wasn’t blessed with in her actual body, and let me tell you, Marie’s vision let Eyes see a lot of things.

Namely how unbearably sexy her husband was.

It was so unfair that some fiction version of Louis XVI, who looked like the neckbeard brother of Mona Lisa in real life, had to be the cutest man Eyes had ever seen. Appearance aside, the mere thought of touching this man made Eyes melt. Honestly, she probably broke every single social rule during the time period just to hold her husband every chance she got; but could you blame her? Louis was surprisingly soft and the way Louis’s tension would instantly disappear as he melted into her arms was just the best feeling in the world. It broke Eyes’s heart seeing how surprised Louis was when she was affectionate those first few times. Seriously, was Marie Antoinette physically incapable of having taste in men?

It’s not like Eyes didn’t like Fersen, he was a sweetheart and it was awful consistently rejecting the poor guy. She spent a lot of time with him once she finally managed to get it through his skull that she wasn’t interested. Fersen was an amazing partner in crime; she just was thoroughly repulsed at pursuing him romantically. Now, setting Fersen up was an entirely different matter. He was leagues above Gabrielle’s shitty husband, and Fersen was well deserving of the title of Duke, so that was always a good couple. He also could help Lafayette loosen up, and she was pretty damn sure both were bi. But those were schemes for another day, Eyes had a mission to complete; and that mission was giving her husband the appreciation he deserved.

Chapter Text

If there was one thing Versailles was good for, it was making Gabrielle question her sexuality. Honestly, Gabrielle felt kinda guilty that her reaction to the king hugging her could be roughly summed up as “he feels like a marshmallow” but hey, ‘life be like that sometimes'. At least, that’s what Marie would say. Sometimes, life was just you panicking and accidentally telling the king you had marriage issues because your best friend who you would often dream about making love to, in a totally platonic way, entrusted you with keeping the king out of his study. 

That’s just how life be.

Gabrielle and Louis had been hugging for about five minutes straight, both slightly concerned that someone might see, but also both too anxious to let go. “Maybe,” Gabrielle thought, “just maybe, I can keep holding him long enough for Marie to finish up whatever she is doing.” This thought marinated in Gabrielle's mind as Louis slowly started patting her on her back.

“Are…” His voice was so small “You... Ok?”

Gabrielle felt her heart stop beating. Was this the end of the hug? She needed to think of something, fast.

“What is ok? Will things ever be ok? Why do we exist?”

“W- what?”

“Why do we exist, Your Majesty?”

“Duchess de Polignac?” Poor Louis sounded so terrified, but now he definitely wasn’t letting go.

“Why are we still here? Just to suffer.”

Much to Gabrielle’s horror, Louis slowly began to let go of the hug. Then, he looped his arm in hers and began to walk.

“To be frank,” he began, “I have absolutely no clue.”

“How do you burn water!?” Gilbert’s screeches of Gordon Ramsay-esque anguish echoed through the kitchen.

“Don’t freak out Laffy Taffy, it’s not burnt.” Eyes said in the most comforting tone she could muster, while pulling away Fersen from the fate of becoming human barbecue.

“I’m pretty goddamn sure that on fire counts as burnt”

“Ah, and that’s where you’re wrong my dear Marquis, if it was burnt than it would be called burnt. On fire is called on fire, it is not called burnt, therefore, it is not burnt.”

There was a pause, and only the sound of fire crackling and the faint, yet familiar, noise of d’Eon shooting Blaisdell in a less than desirable area to be shot, all the way in the king’s study, was heard. Other than that, pure silence. Unfortunately, it didn’t last long.

“Maybe we should have gotten Duchess Polignac to handle the food…” Fersen murmured, as he slowly stepped closer to the fire.

“Fersen, if you really think that throwing yourself onto a giant flame is going to miraculously make this situation ok, you are more of a fool than I thought.”

Fersen inched away from the flame again, before promptly slipping on god knows what, and landing ugly ponytail first in some icing. Gilbert ran his hand through his own hair and let out a groan.

“Congratulations everyone, we’re all failures.”

Eyes sighed, “come on Laff, it’s not that bad- Fersen if you chucking icing into the fire kills us all, I’m going to crawl out of my own personal grave, dig into yours, and strangle you for eternity. And trust me, you will not like it.”

Gilbert couldn’t help but let out a dry chuckle as for some truly godforsaken and unknown reason, the icing tactic actually worked and the fire finally died out.

“Look, it’s pretty obvious we are all shit at conventional cooking. But I’m sure we could whip up something tasty by making stuff we already know. Laff, are you capable of slicing bread?”

“No.” Gilbert sarcasmed

“It’s just like cutting people” Eyes said, as Fersen continued to fail at existence in the background.

“I was being sarcastic, ‘Madame Density’”

“And I will have you beheaded if you continue to think that that is a good play on words.” Eyes walked over to the taller man and punched him affectionately on his moderately seared arm. “I actually know of a really cool secret recipe that’s foolproof, but I’m going to need to get the ingredients from my room.”

“Is the recipe idiot-proof?” Gilbert said, slowly beginning to relax.

“Laff, I love you, but I swear to god for your birthday I’m going to buy you an encyclopedia. First with the burnt/on fire thing and now this.”

About an hour passed, and Gilbert was actually beginning to enjoy himself. Sure, there was the ever-constant anxiety that whatever he did wouldn’t be good enough for the king, and that he was a failure, but it eased as he realized that Fersen was actually a good cook when not setting everything aflame. He was actually feeling relaxed enough to not entirely have a stroke when Marie brought in… To be honest, Gilbert wasn’t sure what it was.

“What on earth is that?”

“Gushers and fruit roll-ups.” Eyes said, shooting him some pathetic finger guns.

“Where did you even get that?”

“Walmart.”

“What the hell is a Walmart.”

Eyes remaining brain cells promptly killed themselves the second it dawned on her what she just said.

“Don’t be rude, it’s a place in Austria.”

“I’ve never heard of a place in Austria called Walmart.”

“Well, maybe you’re deaf.” What a great comeback.

Gilbert gave up on prodding after that as he watched the queen work her magic. Well, for all of five seconds, before hearing some pained curse words in Swedish, and having to go off and lecture Fersen on not sticking your entire head into an oven to see if food was done.

How any of these people were alive never failed to baffle Gilbert.

Ignoring Blaisdell’s suspiciously stained crotch, the study looked amazing.

Mind you, Blaisdell’s crotch wasn’t a part of the study, but you had to ignore it because the overall atmosphere of the room was detracted thanks to that bright red splatter. Also mind you, I only brought that crotch part up, not because Blaisdell’s crotch is something that needs what is becoming an entire damn paragraph dedicated to it, but because Eyes, Gilbert, and Fersen could not look away.

It was like a trainwreck, or this fanfiction. Also-also mind you, a trainwreck is slightly less painful to look at than Blaisdell’s stained crotch or this fic.

“Oh my god, Fersen you can cook?” d’Eon gasped, “and here I was thinking you were completely useless.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment!” Fersen said, ever the shiny eyed optimist.

“Forgive me, but what the hell is- “

“The ultimate sandwich.” Both Gilbert and Eyes said in unison. Admittedly, with two very different tones of voice.

Blaisdell let out a snort.

“I suppose it’s the thought that counts.” He paused before whispering to Eyes conspiratorially, “I got what you desired.” And proceeded to pull out a kazoo.

“See, this is why you’re better than Kane.” She didn’t whisper back. Eyes definitely said that statement, and Blaisdell definitely couldn’t contain his smile upon hearing it, but she was terrible at whispering, and I the writer am not going to even bother putting ‘tried to whisper’, because she was that bad.

Everyone stood awkwardly in silence, before Fersen broke it with an actual semi-intelligent thought.

“So… How are we supposed to let Gabrielle know everything is ready?”

“… I did not think that part through.” Eyes admitted bashfully

“I got it!” Came d’Eon’s voice from outside the now ajar window.

Gilbert finally wasn’t the sole holder of the brain cell anymore.

Minutes passed before d’Eon crawled back in.

“I would recommend you all get ready.”

The entire gaggle of varying degrees of idiot scrambled to their hiding spots, just as Louis’s muffled voice could be heard approaching the door.

“In the end, I would not mind being a worm. It sounds very nice, and I’d enjoy having some tiny worm tea in my tiny worm hole.”

 The door creaked and immediately everyone sprang into action. A jumbled mixture of words were yelled as quietly as possible as Louis walked through the door, arm in arm with an enlightened Gabrielle, who was now not only questioning her sexuality again, but also considering becoming a worm.

Louis had barely enough time to react before he was scooped up by his wife, who was currently running on pure adrenaline. With surprising strength, she somehow managed to twirl him around before setting the poor man back on solid ground and absolutely smothering him with kisses. Poor Louis was drowning in affection as the second he thought the onslaught of love was going to stop, she would kiss him all over, quite literally, again. Eventually she calmed down and just let herself hold the king, face burrowed in his shoulder and neck.

“I love you so much.” Eyes said as softly as she could muster as she caressed her husband’s back.

A part of her was scared she was being too clingy but Louis relaxed in her embrace, as she felt his head silently move to take everything in. Maybe Louis began talking to everyone else, but to be frank she didn’t even notice, Eyes was too busy appreciating her husband.

His torso was like a marshmallow, soft to the touch. His hair was soft as well, and for once Eyes began to understand why her mother became obsessed with the book. The idea of staying there forever, with her Louis was so tempting. She knew it was all technically fiction deep down, but his breathing, the steady beating of his heart, his warmth, was all so real. Eyes wasn’t sure why Marie would neglect such a perfect man, and go off with Fersen, who was so much better as a friend. The way Louis moved, felt, and existed was just heaven. This man deserved the world, and Eyes wished she could give it to him. But all she could give was her love and-

“Is that the ultimate sandwich you’ve been telling me about?” Louis’s gentle voice broke her train of thought.

Eyes ceased trying to become one with her husband and decided to just merely hold him with one arm, so she could better see.

“How did you know?” She didn’t deserve this man.

“I just figured.” Louis paused before turning to look at her with his beautiful for like eyes, “may I try it?”

“Yes! Oh my god, yes, I made it for you!” She grabbed a hold of his hand and ran to the plate on which her magnum opus lay.

Louis delicately picked it up and took a large bite, as Eyes wiggled like a puppy, and everyone else watched in horror. He slowly chewed and Gilbert began to suspect that if Eyes vibrated any faster, she would break the sound barrier.

“I like it.” Louis said, giving Eyes a peck on the cheek, before he went in for another bite.

“Fuck yeah!” She beamed and promptly gave Louis another cuddle.

“Try me and Lafayette’s cake next!” Fersen yelled, somehow managing to beat Eyes in pure puppy energy as he dug into the side getting as big of a spoonful as he could.

“It’s alright, he doesn’t need to- “ Gilbert felt a surge of anxiety.

“No, you worked hard, I- “ Louis immediately got hit with karma for interrupting the poor Marquis as Fersen shovelled the giant spoonful into his mouth.

I’m not saying Gilbert had a stroke, but his heart had stopped long enough for him to count as clinically dead as he watched Louis chew.

“You really worked hard on this, didn’t you?” Louis walked over to put his hand on the younger man’s shoulder, which was no small feat as he had both a Swedish count and his wife hanging off of him.

“Yes, I suppose we did.” Gilbert murmured.

With that, Louis wrapped the Marquis in a warm hug and Gilbert fought the urge to start bawling.

Eventually, everyone at the little party had their chance to hug the marshmallow king, and Louis felt himself fall asleep as his wife began explaining how he could use his present to activate Lafayette’s flight or fight response no matter where either were in the world.

“Thank you.” Louis’s voice was barely a whisper as he felt himself get wrapped up like a burrito in a blanket and hoisted up bridal style by two strong arms.

“Thank you.” Came a voice. Louis couldn’t quite figure out who said it in his hazy state. Maybe, it was everyone.