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The soft knocking on the front door makes me look up in surprise. We've seen pretty much everyone we know these past four days and arranged all that needs to be arranged, except for Andrew's apartment - something Carina is on the phone about right now. Which is why I leave her be, put on my face mask and step into the small hallway to open the door.
At a safe six feet distance from our doorstep stands a woman I vaguely recognize, but can't place. She's blond, hardly any taller than me and has a set of light blue eyes that draws one's immediate attention, and not just because of her mask covering half of her face. They are kind, and despite the sadness that clouds them I can tell they are made to shine.
"Hi," she breaks my unintentional silence as I'm still picking my brain questioning where I know her from. "I'm-"
"Arizona!"
Carina's voice coming from behind me startles me and makes me look over my shoulder. I hadn't noticed she'd finished her phone call. Facing our visitor again, I see how her gaze has followed mine and is now lingering on my girlfriend, who's quickly making her way towards us. Her face lights up, the small crinkles at the corners of her eyes giving away the hint of a smile.
"Hi," she says again.
Carina, now standing next to me, blinking against the fluorescent corridor light, stretches her arms to embrace her friend (or so I guess), but then withholds herself. Even when dealing with this much grief it's hard to forget we're in the middle of a raging pandemic.
"Hi! How- how are you here?"
"Andrew," the woman answers. "I had to see him. Say goodbye. Even though I can't come to his funeral tomorrow. So I went to the hospital. Bailey let me see him, and told me I could find you here."
"Thank you," Carina slowly nods. Her voice is still fragile from all the crying, and - eventually - all the screaming. She looks at me. "Andrea lived at Arizona's place for a while. They worked together at Grey Sloan."
Right, Grey Sloan, of course! I knew that I knew her - kind of, that is.
Arizona's eyes narrow, telling me she's smiling again, seemingly hit by a warm memory. "He was kind of my little brother. You know, until I found out he already had a big sister."
As Carina gives her another nod I think I catch a sparkle in her eyes.
"I really appreciate you coming all the way over," she thanks her friend once more. "Do you want to... I mean, can you come in? Are you...?"
"I got tested at the airport. All clear," Arizona answers, "But it's your place. Your rules."
Carina's eyes flick to me again.
"Yeah, no, of course, come in," I say, already taking a few steps back. In this new normal inviting someone in comes with creating space. I take my mask off. "We just got tested too. We're an official safe zone."
The three of us make our way to the kitchen, with Carina further introducing me to Arizona within those few steps, and vice versa.
"Can I get you anything? I just made coffee-" I abruptly fall quiet when my eyes meet Carina's and I spot her playfully (I hope!) dismissive oh bella-look again. "Unless we're ready for something stronger," I quickly add, "We've got wine."
Arizona checks her watch. "I don't have much time, but sure, one glass can't hurt. For old time sake." She smiles at Carina again, who shakes her head.
"You Americans and your glasses. You measure vino in bottles, and bottles only."
She sits down on one of the kitchen chairs, then points at the one next to it. "Come, sit."
Arizona shakes off her coat and drapes it across the back of the chair. When she sits down she lightly rests her hand on Carina's shoulder, just for a short moment. "I'm really sorry for your loss," she sighs. This time, Carina stays silent.
I pour us all a glass of red, casting a few quick glances at Arizona while I do so. I'm still not sure, but I think I remember now. We met a few times in my early years at the fire department when I was bringing in patients - four, maybe five years ago. I think she used to work with babies. Was she an OB-GYN as well? I don't really recall the details. Except for a pink scrub cap. For some reason I suddenly think to remember a pink scrub cap.
I shake my head, as if to bring myself back to the present, and hand them both their glasses. Without a word we all raise them in a quiet salute to the one person missing right now.
"How's Sofia?" Carina asks after a short silence.
"Good," Arizona answers with a short nod, "Really good."
I have no idea who Sofia is.
"And New York?"
"Oh, New York is great. Working with Herman is quite the adventure, but a real blast..."
I also have no idea who Herman is, and I subconsciously zoom out for a bit, until I realize the topic is back on Seattle. More specifically: on the time they spent together. It doesn't take me too long to figure out they share more than a connection to Andrew.
They were an item.
As soon as I realize it I feel a little twitch in my stomach. Yet, much to my own surprise, the feeling disappears almost as quickly as it rises. Sure, I might have reason to feel a bit weird, or uncomfortable, or maybe even jealous here. I don't know enough about them to be sure, but I might.
But I don't.
I'm just glad she's here, showing her support, just like all her other friends did before, and bringing some light by sharing those Andrew-stories that I can't, for the simple reason that I wasn't there. There's no changing that, but there's also no harm in them. Those memories don't make me or our relationship any less, yet they do seem to uplift Carina a bit. And right now, that's really all I can wish for.
For the first time in days she appears a little less sad. And I know it's just in this moment. I know her pain is still there, waiting to take its chance to attack again. But for now she can breathe. And that's worth way more than some immature competition about who's responsible for that smile.
While I'm patting my own back for finally growing up, Arizona takes another sip of her wine, then mindlessly spins her glass around. The corner of her mouth lifts, indicating another memory coming to mind. She giggles.
"Do you remember that time when Andrew walked in on us?"
Carina's smile, till now still thin and tired, grows wider and before I know it a loud snort escapes her. Her laughter seems to surprise Arizona just as much as me.
"Oi, dio mio, his face when he saw us. He lost it!"
"He lost it?!" Arizona hick-ups, "What about you? You went mental on him!"
Reliving a moment I really need to hear more about someday Carina starts laughing even harder, but then just as sudden her face stills and the room falls quiet again. As if on cue, Arizona and I both freeze, staring at Carina as if she could break down any moment. I watch how her bottom lip trembles, and how her eyes are beginning to water, though no actual tears roll down. She might be out of them.
"Oh honey," Arizona sighs softly, moving closer to comfort her, though not before a brief glimpse at me, as if to search for my permission. She doesn't need it, but I nod nonetheless. Wrapping her arm around Carina's shoulders, she rubs her arm with her other hand. A friendly gesture, nothing more, nothing less, but to my relief one that Carina accepts. Although I did understand, those first few days in which she couldn't stand anything soft were really the most heartbreaking to watch.
"I'm sorry," Arizona tells her, her voice as apologetic as her words, "I didn't mean to upset you."
"It's- It's okay," Carina mumbles, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. "I just... I wasn't prepared. For the good memories to hurt just as much as the bad ones. You know?"
"I know," Arizona and I answer in unison.
"I hate that," Carina quietly goes on. "I hate that everything hurts."
"I know."
This time it's just me.
Arizona lets go of Carina and sits back in her chair again - making room for me, whether or not on purpose. I move closer, press a soft kiss on Carina's forehead and gently lift her chin till our eyes meet.
"What do you need?" I whisper.
Without answering she lets herself drown in my eyes for a moment, like she's done many times before these last couple of days. I can tell it calms her, though I don't know why. When I asked her, she explained to me that she can see a lifebuoy in there. Something she can hold on to. I don't know how, or what I do to give her that feeling, but all I want is keep her from drowning for real, so as long as she needs it my eyes are all hers. As am I.
"More wine," she finally answers, then continuing after a deep breath, "and more laughter."
She turns to Arizona. "I'm sorry, I-"
"Don't be," her friend slash ex-whatever cuts her off, waving away Carina's apologies with a smile. I pick up the bottle and refill Carina's glass. When I look at Arizona, she turns to Carina again, who tricks her by showing her puppy eyes.
"Alright," Arizona caves in, "but just a little! I do need to catch a flight."
I pour her half a glass, while Carina already pours down half of hers.
She licks her lips, then mumbles, "I did yell at him."
I look up at her through my lashes, just about to empty the last of the bottle into my own glass. She already goes on.
"Not just that one time, but many times. Why did I do that?"
"Because you had to," Arizona shrugs, "It's in a sister's job description. Right, Maya?"
"Absolutely," I nod in agreement, "Yell at your brother, even if he's great. It's right there. Like a law."
"Yep, right under Threat your baby brother to strangle him with a pillow."
I snort, almost spilling my wine. "She di- You did that?!" Wide-eyed I look from one to the other. "You monster!"
Pulling an innocent face, Carina reaches out and closes my jaw, then grins right back at me - which makes me laugh and melts my heart at the same time. She raises her hands in defense. "That story needs a lot more context."
"I'm sure it does," I nod, squeezing my eyes at her. "But till I get all those deets I'm taking your pillow away from you. Just for sure."
There's more chuckling, enough to forget the tears from before for a second. And enough to get that well deserved break, before the next wave will hit her. But when that moment comes I will be here. Together with the rest of the world.
Two anecdotes later Arizona takes a final gulp, puts her empty glass back on the table and stands up from her chair.
"I'm sorry, but I really have to go," she says, straitening her back and flipping her hair back over her shoulder in one movement.
And then it hits me. In that gesture, in that very moment, it all comes back. I don't just know her as that pink scrub cap baby doctor at the hospital. I know her from a night out. I know her as a... subject... of my classic back-in-the-day self-care routine.
She's one of my Wednesdays!
A very drunk one, obviously, as I'm clearly not the only one who'd forgotten until right now, but still: Carina is not the only one in this room who saw this woman naked!
While I'm quickly trying to process my epiphany without showing any of it, Arizona and Carina are already saying goodbye to each other. It's Carina's voice that pulls me back.
"Maya?"
"What?! Yes, sorry," I mutter, before focusing on Arizona again. "I walk you out."
Back at the front door I turn towards her. For a split second I wonder if I should say anything, but I can't think of any reason to make things unnecessarily complicated.
"Thank you for visiting, and caring," I tell her instead. I show her another smile, grateful and sincere. "And for making her laugh."
Arizona tilts her head.
"You're doing all the work here, Maya. And you're doing great. I'm glad she has you." She steps outside, but turns towards me again before I shut the door behind her. "You know," she smiles, giving me a conspiring wink, "It was really nice to meet you... again."
And then she's gone.
When I return to the kitchen, Carina is rinsing our glasses, standing with her back towards me. I clear my throat, making her spin around on her heels. I don't know what my face is showing, but it's enough to get her curious. She raises her brow.
"Come va, bella?"
"So, yeah..." I grin sheepishly, "Funny story..."
... ...