Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

A Robin, a robin, a robin, and a robin walk into a batcave

Tim: sos

Dick: Are you dead and/or dying

Tim: only on the inside

Tim: jason don’t u dare 

Jason: A DEATH JOKE?? IN FRONT OF MY FUCKING SALAD??? 

Jason: the AUDACITY timantha 

Jason: @Damian back me up 

Damian: No.

Tim: ew capitals??? proper punctuation???? no thank u <3

Dick: Can we PLEASE go back to the reason we were all summoned in the first place 

Dick: I’m watching Gravity Falls and if I have to miss another second of it on my ONLY DAY OFF because you guys can’t stay on topic my revenge will be swift and forbidding 

Damian: Oh no. God forbid you switch out the 2% milk for whole milk.

Damian: I’m shaking in terror.

Dick: W a t c h  y o u r  b a c k  p u n k

Tim: GUYS PLZ MY SOS

Jason: oh yeah lol what’s up

Jason: you got a problem or a Problem

Tim: wha-

Tim: what’s the difference 

Jason: problem = my assistance while a Problem = a body bag and my hypothetical knowledge of how to get rid of a body without getting caught

Damian: Hypothetical? There’s no hypothetical in that situation.

Jason: when i get put in the slammer and the police go through my phone for evidence i’m not gonna sell myself out 

Dick: Don’t you mean “if”???? 

Tim: wait no guys plz we’re getting off topic

Damian: Todd has the stereotypical looks of a delinquent, and the manners of one, too. The cops in this city have proven to be quite dull, so it should come to no surprise, Richard, if one day your fellow pigs give you a ring saying Todd has been arrested just for looking suspicious. 

Tim: how did u manage to both insult and defend jason

Damian: Skillz. (•_•) ( •_•)>⌐■-■ (⌐■_■)

Tim: oh my god

Tim: who taught u that

The OG and the Remix

Damian: Did I not use that right? 

Dick: No no that was perfect 10/10 

Dick: Do it again lol

A Robin, a Robin, a Robin, and a Robin walk into a batcave

Jason: PIGS HOLY SHIT

Jason: CAN I GET AN ACAB IN THIS HELL CHAT

Damian: Acab. ╭∩╮（︶_︶）╭∩╮

Tim: STOP

Tim: acab but LISTEN TO ME

Dick: Acab!!

Jason: stfu cop you have no rights here 

Dick: >:(

Tim: L I S T E N 

Dick: What’s up 

Tim: i need advice

Jason: ok so just a regular problem

Tim: yes

Tim: i need to know what’s the best way to a boy’s heart 

Damian: Easy. The best way to someone’s heart is through their ribcage. Everyone knows that. 

Damian: Come on Timothy, I expected better from you. 

Dick: I-

Dick: Try again

Jason: baby bat has a point

Dick: Do NOT encourage him

Tim: dami pLEASE

Damian: Oh. 

Damian: You meant in the romantic sense. 

Tim: yES??????

Tim: WHY WOULD I MEAN THAT LITERALLY 

Dick: Awwwww young love 

Dick: What’s the boy’s name??? 

Dick: What’s he like? 

Jason: what’s his address :)

Dick: That too :)

Tim: i s2g if u try to shovel talk my crush you will regret it

Dick: I’ll consider it <3

Jason: ugh why you gotta take the fun out of everything timker bell

Fireboy and Watergirl

Jason: okay but we’re definitely threatening whoever it is right

Dick: Naturally

Dick: Hey you still have those Kyrptonian bullets right?

Jason: yes?

Jason: wait do you know who he has a crush on??

Jason: ARE YOU SAYING HE HAS A CRUSH ON CLARK????

Dick: 1.) Jason, please. I’m the oldest sibling. I know everything my little siblings are up to, if only so this family doesn’t collapse within itself from everyone’s habit of keeping secrets 

Dick: 2.) What the fuck 

A Robin, a Robin, a Robin, and a Robin walk into a batcave

Dick: Why are you asking for advice here though? The batfam group chat has more people

Dick: Like Cass, the only one in this family with a braincell

Damian: How dare you exclude Alfred and myself.

Dick: Oh my bad you’re right

Dick: *Like Cass and Alfred, the only ones in this family with a braincell

Damian: RICHARD. (o｀O´)o

Tim: well ya but bruce is in that one

Tim: this is the largest family chat without him in it

Jason: so your crush is someone B wouldn’t approve of

Jason: very interesting

Dick: That only narrows it down to, oh I don’t know, all of Gotham 

Jason: would you say this disapproval might stem from a significant age difference between you two 

Tim: i mean i guess??? 

Tim: only technically tho. but like,,,not really

Fireboy and Watergirl

Jason: i need you to tell me right now if it’s Clark before i go waste my Kryptonian bullets

Dick: It’s not Clark literally why would that be your first guess

A Robin, a Robin, a Robin, and a Robin walk into a batcave

Tim: wait no stop that

Tim: i just need advice!!! there’s no reason for u to know his name

Damian: If you are in need of an accurate strategy to put in place to acquire the heart of your lover, then we are in need of as much information as possible for you to come out victorious. 

Damian: Cough up the name, Timothy. (⊙‿⊙)(⊙‿⊙)(⊙‿⊙)

Jason: ^^^ what he said. or else no advice 

Tim: ur all a bunch of bullies and i despise each and every one of u

Tim: ffs it’s Kon alright 

Jason: well that makes a lot more sense than who i was thinking

Fireboy and Watergirl

Jason: you couldn’t have just SAID that?? 

Dick: You didn’t give me the CHANCE Jay

A Robin, a Robin, a Robin, and a Robin walk into a batcave

Tim: i don’t even wanna know

Tim: what do i DO

Dick: Give him dirt and worms 

Tim: dick whomst? sorry i only know my good brothers jason and dami

Damian: “Good”? 

Jason: timbuktu we tried to murder you

Dick: WAIT NO LET ME EXPLAIN

Dick: Okay do you remember that treat that was popular as a child where you’d fill a cup with crushed oreo cookies and chocolate pudding? And mix gummy worms in it? And when you ate it you’d pretend you were eating dirt and worms?

Tim: no???

Dick: Oh right. I forgot you didn’t have a childhood

Jason: well damn dickhead

Tim: DICK  W H O M S T?

Dick: NO NO IM SORRY ASKFAJHFKLA IT JUST SLIPPED OUT

Tim: is there a POINT to ur slander

Dick: Kon didn’t have much of a childhood right? 

Damian: Yes. That’s what happens when one is born as a teenager. 

Damian: And as a clone.

Dick: Exactly.

Murder Bros in Retirement

Jason: i'm pretty sure those two things go hand-in-hand

Damian: Not always.

Jason: ...explain your point

Damian: No.

Jason: ominous. i love it

A Robin, a Robin, a Robin, and a Robin walk into a batcave

Dick: Technically he’s still experiencing his childhood right now with you and the rest of the Titans! Give him some good childhood memories you guys can experience together. 

Jason: piss poor execution but the idea might actually have some merit

Dick: I said I’m SORRY

Tim: dick give someone else the braincell i need more ideas

Tim: also ty that doesn’t sound like a completely hopeless plan so you’ve been forgiven <3

Dick: :D

Damian: I believe I can be of assistance. My extensive knowledge on all things romance provided by the American company “Disney” has prepared me for this moment. 

Damian: Do not worry, Timothy. I have a few knives up my sleeves. 

Dead (inside) & Dead (outside)

Tim: o h ym fuvkinh gpd

Jason: are you ever just violently reminded that baby bat is 11 years old 

Jason: or is that just me

Tim: DOES IT LOOK LIKE I WOULD DIE FOR HIM??? BECAUSE I WOULD

The OG and the Remix

Dick: Hey bud I think you meant the phrase “I have a few tricks up my sleeve”?

Damian: I said what I said.

Damian: At least I’m telling the truth. You’re American phrase is both inaccurate and dumb. 

Dick: Understandable have a nice day 

A Robin, a Robin, a Robin, and a Robin walk into a batcave

Tim: lay it on me dami

Tim: WAIT i should really be writing this down give me a sec i need paper

Tim: alright i'm ready. hit me with ur best shot 

Chapter Text

A Robin, a Robin, a Robin, and a Robin walk into a batcave

Damian: For Plan A, I will need you to get in contact with Zatara as soon as possible.

Damian: Or just anyone you know with a magical ability. I’m not picky.

Dick: Plan A?

Damian: Yes. Did you think I would have only one?

Tim: pause. why

Damian: I need her to turn you into a frog.

Dick: What

Coffee Make ADHD Brain Go Brrr

Tim: “he loves u” u said

Tim: “he’s not gonna try and get rid of u again” u said

Tim: “he’s letting go of his past. he doesn’t want to hurt his family again” u said

Tim: anymore lies u have to tell me 

Dick: I’ll punt him into outer space if he doesn’t have valid explanation <3

Dead (inside) & Dead (outside)

Tim: moment of weakness over now i wanna put peanut butter between his toes while he sleeps

A Robin, a Robin, a Robin, and a Robin walk into a batcave

Dick: No. What?

Dick: Why are you trying to turn Timmy into a frog??

Jason: yeah. turn him into something less noticeable. like a fly

Dead (inside) & Dead (outside)

Tim: the burning rage i feel towards u would make Mr. Freeze bolt in the other direction. u will regret ever crossing me. i’ll strangle u with my bare hands and make ur death look like an accident. i confided in u. we BONDED. and this is how u treat me?? u throw my kindness back in my face and sPIT ON THE HAND I HOLD OUT TO U????? i will never forget this. i hope u pray for mercy bc i will show u none

Jason: k 

Tim: BITCH

A Robin, a Robin, a Robin, and a Robin walk into a batcave

Damian: Don’t be ridiculous, Todd. A fly would be too small to kiss. Kon would swallow him in his attempt.

Tim: hey bestie :D what the actual hell does this mean :D

Dick: Oh no

Dick: Not this again

Jason: AGAIN???

Fireboy and Watergirl

Jason: that reeks of potential blackmail 

Jason: spill your guts dickie

Dick: I Want To Scream

Dick: Short story? I showed Damian The Princess and the Frog and apparently I’m STILL suffering the consequences 

Dick: Long story? Damian watched the movie and got it into his head that he could turn every animal into a human through the power of True Love because he’s “heir to the Batman” and according to him that’s close enough to prince 

Jason: oh my god

Dick: Do you know how fucking long it took me to convince him that Titus and Alfred the Cat would stay as animals and no amount of kisses would turn them human and that if he wanted to go see a movie with them then he’d either have to sneak them into the theater or watch on a laptop at home

Dick: Especially when we live in a world where magic ACTUALLY exists??? And it’s entirely possible this could happen one day???

Jason: ARE YOU LYING TO ME

Dick: WHY WOULD I LIE ABOUT THIS

Dick: I’m gonna tear my hair out. I thought I was done with this!! I thought I got through to him!!

Jason: i cNt fu kinh breThe

Jason: im sobbung tgeres literLly teaRd in mt eyea

Jason: aslfhaskhfklagh hLp

Dick: Well I’m glad one of us finds this funny

A Robin, a Robin, a Robin, and a Robin walk into a batcave

Damian: It will work, Richard! I am sure of it! 

Jason: yeah dickwing let the little dude speak 

Dick: How about you shut your mouth :)

Tim: hi confused brother here anyone wanna keep me in the loop

Damian: According to my research, a large percentile of Disney movies indicate that the process of being turned into some form of animal and then back human will lead to a closer relationship, be it platonic or romantic. Especially if the transformation is broken through True Love’s Kiss.

Tim: you want zatara to turn me into a frog. so Kon can...kiss me better?

Coffee Make ADHD Brain Go Brrr

Tim: is that better or worse? i genuinely can’t tell  

Dick: At least he’s not trying to get rid of you

A Robin, a Robin, a Robin, and a Robin walk into a batcave

Damian: Princess Tiana. Turned into a frog. Was given true Love’s Kiss and turned back human. It was only after being transformed that she found a lover. 

Damian: Merida’s mother from Brave. Turned into a bear. Due to this event, her relationship with her daughter grew stronger.

Damian: Prince from Beauty and the Beast. Cursed as an ugly beast—which is an animal, I looked this up. A True Love’s Kiss from Belle turned him back human. He was happier and had someone he loved, unlike how he was before being transformed. 

Damian: All of these instances involve being magically turned into animals, ensuring a happier future. Coincidence? I think not. 

Damian: Need I go on?

Dick: Damian please we talked about this

Tim: but how would i woo Kon as an animal?? i can barely do so as a human

Tim: do u really think he’s gonna take one look at my frog face and think “god he looks attractive” and give me a smooch???

Damian: Well naturally you’d have to go on a life changing adventure with him where either one or both of you will come close to dying multiple times as he slowly starts to fall in love with you.

Tim: been there, done that, got the tshirt 

Tim: also i just really don’t want to be a frog when he kisses me please and thank u

Jason: coward

Tim: sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, fuck you

Dick: Ignoring dumb and dumber, Tim makes a good point Damian

Damian: But Timothy it has a 100% success rate! You recognize the value of a strategic plan higher than these buffoons. I am sure you are aware of the reliability of having a plan that is guaranteed to work. 

Tim: hmmmm. tempting

Dick: You can’t drink coffee as a frog

Tim: tempting to stay human forever yessir 

Tim: sorry dami i think u may have to put ur disney plans on hold for someone else

Damian: Fine. I will cross off Plan A. (╬≖_≖)

Damian: Time for Plan B.

Murder Bros in Retirement

Damian: On a scale of one to ten how willing would you be to try to kill Timothy again?

Jason: say sike right now

Damian: Can I put you down as a maybe then?

Jason: NO

Jason: we are RETIRED murder bros. not “mostly retired but willing to start killing again if it seems worth it” murder bros 

Damian: Technically I never agreed to the chat name.

Jason: tough shit i’m not changing it

Jason: is this your plan??? why is this your plan????

Damian: It worked with Snow White. ┐(´•_•`)┌

Jason: jesus christ

Jason: just. scrap that plan. and every plan that involves that involves hurting him. no killing tim-tac

A Robin, a Robin, a Robin, and a Robin walk into a batcave

Damian: Plan B is no longer available.

Damian: Along with Plans C, D, E, and F.

Jason: alsfhalfhalsh

Dick: Dare I ask why

Tim: that seems like something i really don’t want to know actually so please don’t explain why

Damian: Moving on to Plan G.

Damian: Shoot him with a water gun.

Tim:...i’m listening 

Damian: That’s it. That’s the plan. 

Jason: what disney movie is that from? i could've sworn i was all caught up

Damian: It’s not. 

Dick: Wait omg is this because of that one time

Damian: Yes.

Dick: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Dick: Love you too buddy ^-^ <333 

Damian: I DIDN’T SAY THAT.

Dick: You implied it though ^-^ <33333333333

Tim: america explain

Damian: A few weeks before my birthday, Richard took me outside to the backyard, handed me a water gun, and then told me to defend myself before shooting me in the face with his own water gun. 

Tim: LMAO DEADASS??

Jason: goldie i’ll never respect you more than i do in this moment

Dick: >:3

Damian: The opportunity to shoot Richard with no repercussions was too good of a chance to pass up so I retaliated. 

Jason: oh mood?

Damian: We spent the rest of the afternoon engaged in battle until Alfred (human) called us in for dinner. The event (of which I won, by the way,) caused me to tolerate Richard a touch more than I did prior to the alteration, and gave me memories of a fun day to look back on. 

Dick: I had fun with you too :)))

Damian: This event solidified as a good memory in my mind and served as what I believe is called a “bonding moment”. The same thing might happen if you are to do this as well, Timothy.

Damian: Also you will get to shoot at Kon.

Jason: well you can’t argue with that 

Tim: u had me at “shoot him with a water gun”

Tim: i’m sold this sounds amazing thanks for the advice dami <3

Damian: You are welcome. 

Damian: <3

Tim: !!! :D

Jason: that means i’m up next right?

Tim: yup

Dick: Oh this should be good. With the amount of classic romance novels you’ve devoured I’ll be disappointed if you’re advice consists of something like “bring him flowers” 

Jason: fuck you i’m no basic bitch 

Jason: and Jane Austen is a queen. i simply have no choice but to Stan

Jason: but also you should totally do that timbourine boys deserve to be given flowers too

Dick: ^^^ Absolutely. Gender stereotypes can go die in a ditch

Tim: duly noted

Tim: give me what u got jay

Chapter Text

A Robin, a Robin, a Robin, and a Robin walk into a batcave

Jason: first suggestion: key clark’s car

Tim: literally how does that play into me wooing Kon

Fireboy and Watergirl

Dick: Ok maybe I wasn’t clear enough 

Dick: Tim doesn’t have a crush on Clark AND Clark doesn’t have a crush on Tim

Dick: Did I cover all my bases this time

Jason: shut up big bird i’ve moved past that 

A Robin, a Robin, a Robin, and a Robin walk into a batcave

Jason: hear me out 

Jason: you remember when he was a total asshole to Kon?

Jason: and kept ignoring his existence and basically handled a surprise kid like the worst father in the history of fathers? 

Dick: Damian was raised by the League of Assassins, lacking in manners, and TEN and Bruce still handled his surprise arrival better than Supes

Damian: I had manners!

Tim: u tried to kill me 

Tim: three times

Damian: What does that have to do with my manners?

The OG and the Remix

Dick: I think I need to show you the PowerPoint again

Damian: No.

Damian: Wait which one?

Dick: “Killing is not only unnecessary, but also rude”

Dick: The one with the little tune I sing to help you remember! 

Damian: NO.

A Robin, a Robin, a Robin, and a Robin walk into a batcave

Dick: Coming back to that later 

Dick: Where were you going with this Jay

Jason: clark was an asshole. and even though B put the fear of god in him and made him step up for his kid he was still an asshole in the beginning

Jason: making a go at him will show that you’re willing go to the extremes to defend Kon 

Jason: a ride or die kinda guy

Jason: even from his own dad if necessary 

Damian: But shouldn’t Timothy be trying to gain the favor of his Father-in-Law?

Damian: Would this not make it more difficult to gain his approval?

Tim: ALSFHKHFA STOP HOLD UP

Tim: FATHER IN LAW??? WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT MARRIAGE

Tim: SLOW UR ROLL

Damian: Do you not want to marry him then?

Tim: pLease,,,i just w ant boy,,,,,,,k iss,,,,,,,,hol d hand,,,,

Dick: Eloquent

Tim: shut UP

Jason: i think clark would prefer tim looking out for his son over being an ass kisser

Dick: And the best way to show that is by keying his car?

Jason: and slashing his tires

Jason: bring Kon! it can be a bonding experience 

Jason: you know what smash his windows too

Tim: but that’s illegal

Jason: i-

Jason: you did not just use that excuse on me

Jason: you did NOT 

Jason: bUt ThAts iLLeGaL

Jason: hate to break the news to you timbit but you’re a fucking vigilante

Jason: YOU’RE illegal

Tim: i-

Tim: i don’t even know how to respond to that 

Jason: good. keep your mouth shut and listen to my advice, inspired by the most hardcore couple in the history of mankind

Jason: bonnie & clyde, may they rest in peace

Tim: uhhhhhhhhhh

Damian: Didn’t those two rob a bunch of banks?

Tim: and commit murder? like,,,lots of murder?

Jason: yeah but they did it ~together~

Damian: Richard, I thought we weren’t allowed to have criminals as our role models. (* ￣ ー ￣)

Fireboy and Watergirl

Dick: You decided to get inspiration from Bonnie & Clyde when The Princess Bride was RIGHT THERE????

Jason: THEY WERE LITERALLY WILLING TO DIE TOGETHER BECAUSE THEY DIDN’T WANT THE COPS OR JAIL TO KEEP THEM SEPARATED GIVE ME A MORE ICONIC COUPLE

Dick: Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy

Dick: Jack and Rose à la Titanic

Dick: Romeo and Juliet

Dick: Notice how none of these couples were CRIMINALS 

Jason: notice how all of those couples are fictional characters :///

Jason: what kind of brother would i be to teach timber to follow in the path of love stories constrained to fiction

Dick: A brother that cares about his impressionable little siblings you twit

A Robin, a Robin, a Robin, and a Robin walk into a batcave

Dick: No criminal role models or I swear to god I’ll tell Dad

Tim: this is great. one brother is getting tips from bambi and the other is getting them from the hetero version of harley and ivy

Tim: thanks guys

Damian: What?

Damian: Who is Bambi?

Damian: Whoever it is that provided this information to you is lying. I did not consult anyone for inspiration regarding my plans. They were of my own merit. 

Coffee Make ADHD Brain Go Brrr

Dick: ABORT

Dick: STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP

Tim: WHAT DID I DO

Dick: STOP TALKING ABOUT BAMBI

Tim: WHAT WHY 

Dick: HE CAN'T KNOW ABOUT IT THATS WHY

Dick: HE LOVES ANIMALS YOU KNOW THIS

Dick: WHY WOULD I EVER SHOW HIM A MOVIE ABOUT A CUTE LITTLE DEER LIVING HIS BEST LIFE UNTIL A HUNTER SHOOTS AND KILLS BAMBI’S FUCKING MOM RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM

Dick: DISTRACT HIM FROM BAMBI

Tim: I’LL TRY

A Robin, a Robin, a Robin, and a Robin walk into a batcave

Tim: oops sorry autocorrect 

Tim: i meant to say barbie

Tim: who is also not a real person so don’t even start. it’s an expression, cuz u were getting evidence for plan A from basically every princess under the sun and barbie is like,,,Big Boss Princess

Tim: all the princesses combined into one frighteningly competent princess that can and has done everything 

Damian: Thank you for the explanation, but I searched up Bambi while you were typing and it appears there is a real movie with a character that has that name. And the movie is about animals! ٩(ˊᗜˋ )و

Damian: Would you be amenable to watching it with me, Richard?

Coffee Make ADHD Brain Go Brrr

Tim: i’m so fucking sorry 

Dead (inside) & Dead (outside)

Jason: should. should we say something?

Tim: or we could let dick handle it 

Tim: on an unrelated note i’m gonna be leaving the country soon would u like to come with me 

Jason: hell yes

A Robin, a Robin, a Robin, and a Robin walk into a batcave

Dick: I’d love to bud but unfortunately I don’t think I’ll be able to leave Bludhaven anytime soon :(

Dick: Why don’t you ask Bruce though? I’m sure he’d be excited to watch with you

Fireboy and Watergirl

Jason: oh that’s just cold 

Dick: He deserves it

A Robin, a Robin, a Robin, and a Robin walk into a batcave

Damian: Would Father be willing to watch a children’s film?

Jason: for sure. we watched some together when i was marathoning the films that came out while i was dead

Damian: Alright then. I will invite him once we are done here.

Dick: And on that note, Tim no destroying Clark’s car 

Dick: Just do something to make him think he needs to cancel his cable if you want to get back at him so bad

Dick: That conversation with the cable company will be enough to reduce him to tears there’s no need to get physical 

Jason: timmy turner can have a little crime. as a treat >:D

The (Not) Chosen Ones

Damian: The double standards here are disgusting.

Tim: wym?

Damian: Todd encourages you to commit crime but I am forbidden? Insulting.

Tim: i thought u didn’t want to do crimes anymore tho 

Tim: wait why would jason tell u no he loves pissing off bruce by toeing the legal line

Tim: the only thing i can think of that he refuses to do is kill ppl again 

Damian: In my defense, there was no actual murder involved in my plan. Just chasing. 

Damian: And fake murder I suppose. If that even counts.

Tim: so many questions and nowhere to start

Tim: i think i’ve got some fake blood around u can use if u wanna go behind his back. don’t ask why i have it

Tim: who did u wanna fake murder?

Damian: Good question. 

Tim: thanks i thought of it myself 

Tim: u gonna answer or???

Damian: You know, I actually can’t seem to remember. Weird. 

Tim: really. that’s the answer ur sticking to

Damian: Yes.

Tim: alright then. i’ll just ignore the sketchy...everything about this conversation i guess 

Tim: btw if u want disney movies about animals u should watch brother bear and the jungle book! i think you’d enjoy those

Tim: and beverly hills chihuahua! lmao i loved that series as a kid

Damian: Thank you for the recommendations. (｡･ω･｡)ﾉ♥

Damian: Given your fondness for these movies, it only makes sense for you to experience them with me. I expect you to send me the earliest available time you have so I can plan accordingly. 

Tim: awww i knew u liked me 

Damian: Never mind.

Tim: NO NO IM SORRY 

Tim: i’d love to have a movie night with u dami :))

Tim: do u wanna invite the rest of the fam or keep it to just us

Damian: They make too much noise. We would be unable to hear the movie.

Tim: sure ;)

Tim: love youuuuuuuu <3

Damian: Whatever. 

Damian: <3

A Robin, a Robin, a Robin, and a Robin walk into a batcave

Tim: got anything else for me jay?

Jason: cook him a meal

Jason: shows him you’re competent, can take care of yourself and him, and food always brings people together. it’s like the law or something

Jason: advice given to me by my man Alfie

Tim: oh thank god advice i can trust

Tim: i only have eggs tho?? and like. maybe some bread. maybe 

Tim: is eggs ok? I might be able to do an omlet tho if i need to go fancy 

Tim: wait no i don’t have tomatoes

Tim: can one of u get me tomatoes

Jason: go?? get??? groceries??????

Tim: i can’t get up

Dick: YOU SAID YOU WEREN’T DEAD OR DYING

Tim: i’m not!!! 

Tim: Kon’s a sleep cuddler tho and he won’t let me go

Damian: Pardon?

Dick: I’m?????? What??????

Jason: TIM IS KON WITH YOU RIGHT NOW

Tim: ya

Tim: that’s why i sent the sos i need to know what to do before he wakes up 

Tim: it’s been an eventful night

Jason: WHAT

Dick: WHY IS HE WITH YOU WHY ARE YOU GUYS CUDDLING 

Tim: STOP YELLING I’M ALREADY STRESSED ENOUGH

Tim: ok uh basically 

Tim: cassie dared him to drink some themysciran alcohol she snuck from wonder woman cuz she’s a badass that doesn’t feel fear

Tim: and he did it cuz he didn’t think it would get him drunk cuz kryptonian metabolism duh

Tim: spoiler: he got hella drunk

Tim: and he didn’t want to go back to clark’s place cuz he was worried he’d be grounded so i said he could stay at my place since he’d probably be better by morning 

Tim: and i feel kinda guilty about this but being drunk loosened his tongue and he told me that he had this secret crush on this dude and then rambled about him for a while but then he said he’d never have his chance with him

Dick: Oh Timmy I’m sorry D:

Tim: no no it’s ok bc i’m gonna woo him and show him i’m that i’m way better than this “black haired with eyes the most beautiful shade of blue” loser who has no idea what he’s missing out on 

Fireboy and Watergirl

Jason: um

Dick: No shut up he’s not that dumb

A Robin, a Robin, a Robin, and a Robin walk into a batcave

Tim: but he got kinda weepy so i hugged him and then he fell asleep and refused to let go of me so. here i am 

Damian: Well clearly the first plan of action should be to get rid of this mystery person who seems to hold Kon’s affections. Tell us what you know about him so we can come up with a plan to show how you’re better in every possible way.

Damian: Kon will not know what hit him. •̀.̫ •́✧

Chapter Text

A Robin, a Robin, a Robin, and a Robin walk into a batcave

Dick: Speaking of Kon can we just circle back real quick to the fact that you’ve apparently been cuddling him this entire conversation 

Damian: That fact took me by surprise as well, honestly.

Jason: “pLease,,,i just w ant boy,,,,,,,k iss,,,,,,,,hol d hand,,,,” BITCH YOU ARE LITERALLY BEING CRADLED IN HIS ARMS RIGHT NOW

Tim: SJUT UP THUS IS A RWCENT DEBELOPNENT 

Tim: AND BEING IN HIS ARMS WHILE HE’S UNCONSCIOUS AND UNAWARE OF HIS ACTIONS IS NOT THE SAME AS HOLDING HIS HAND AT  A L L  SO SHUT UP JASON

Tim: if u all MUST know, i woke up with him hugging me but it was loose enough that when i went to go get the paper from the living room to write down your ideas the hold was easy enough to break out of 

Tim: and i was gonna stay in the living room so my writing didn’t wake him up but then i guess he wised up to the lack of body heat near him cuz he sleep-dragged me back

Jason: he DRAGGED you back???

Tim: alkfhklahf IT’S NOT AS BAD AS IT SOUNDS

Tim: u know his ttk? well apparently he can use it subconsciously cuz he used it to float me back to the room and set me down next to him all while sleeping

Tim: and then he latched onto my waist tighter than before so i’d have a harder time getting out again 

Tim: he left me sitting up tho which is nice 

Fireboy and Watergirl

Jason: “unconscious and unaware of his actions” he may be but homeboy clearly knows what he wants 

Dick: Hey now, we don’t know for sure Tim is the one Kon has a crush on

Dick: Friends can drag each other back to bed for more snuggles 

Jason: i dare you to look me in the eyes and say that was platonic. i fucking dare you

Jason: i’m all for shoving toxic masculinity back into the garbage where it belongs and rejecting the idea that male friends can’t be physically affectionate but i need to know that YOU know that that situation was NOT “just bros being bros” 

Dick: I will take it into consideration <3 

A Robin, a Robin, a Robin, and a Robin walk into a batcave

Damian: What if something catches on fire? What if you get hungry? How will you get up then?

Tim: i will remain sitting and suffer as a happy man

Damian: You are not allowed to die, Timothy! (◣_◢)

Tim: point to where i said that 

The (Not) Chosen Ones

Tim: hey. i’m ok. i swear. if a fire starts or enemies break in or some other third thing happens i will wake up Kon so that i can get up and i will be ok

Damian: Promise?

Tim: promise. i planned a movie night with you remember? my plans always go off without a hitch 

Damian: Okay. 

Tim: so what’s bothering u 

Damian: Why would you presume something is bothering me?

Tim: maybe the fact that u jumped straight to Kon murdering me when i said he wouldn’t let me up?? 

Damian: I did not say Kon would murder you.

Tim: but u did imply not being able to move would lead to my death 

Tim: remember what bruce said about safe spaces? and being able to relax?

Damian: “If you are on the lookout for an attack even in your home, then nowhere will feel safe enough to lower your guard. Vigilance is admirable until it turns into paranoia.” I remember.

Damian: It is difficult to internalize. I’m working on it.

Tim: i know. i can tell you’ve been trying and i’m really proud of u dami

Damian: Of course you are. I am amazing.

Tim: don’t interrupt me u little shit we’re having a bonding moment

Damian: I get it. I inspire feelings of awe and inspiration. Please stop talking now. ( ◔_◔)

Tim: that isn’t even close to what i was trying to get across but ok

Tim: if it makes u feel better i’ve got about 5 different ways to break his hold off the top of my head

Damian: That does help, thank you. 

A Robin, a Robin, a Robin, and a Robin walk into a batcave

Jason: you’re not allowed to die so don’t even fucking think about it timberly

Dick: Why is Tim dying the first thing I see when I open this chat. Why

Jason: i just said he WON’T die. can you read???

Tim: Can :) Y’all :) Please :) Not :)

Tim: i’m not dying. no one is dying. why is this such a frequent topic this is like the third time someone has accused me of dying

Damian: Fourth actually.

Damian: Wait no. You weren’t around for that last one. Nevermind.

Tim: what :D 

Jason: don’t worry about it. i took care of it

Tim: that doesn’t make me feel better :D

Dick: Speaking of not making you feel better, tell us about the mystery person Kon likes! 

Tim: i- 

Fireboy and Watergirl

Dick: And that’s how you get everyone back on topic

Dick: Your neurotypical ass could NEVER 

Jason: that redirect was as smooth as a cheese grater what the hell are you so proud of

A Robin, a Robin, a Robin, and a Robin walk into a batcave

Damian: All you have told us so far is that he has black hair and blue eyes.

Damian: Do you have anything else to share?

Tim: uhh Kon mentioned they were smart and clever but idk if that was him talking himself down or talking them up

Damian: Explain.

Tim: well he’s a genius but he thinks everyone is as smart as he is

Tim: has dick shown u legally blonde yet? Kon is like that one meme where elle goes “what? like it’s hard?” whenever someone points out something he did that would’ve given someone else trouble

Jason: you sure about that?

Dick: I once saw Kon drink a bottle of mayonnaise because Bart said he wouldn’t 

Jason: one time i saw him go out in thigh highs and a crop top in the middle of winter because he thought if he looked hot then he wouldn’t feel cold

Damian: Didn’t Kon slap himself in the face while trying to swat at a fly?

Tim: he’s a smart idiot 

Dick: Sounds fake but okay

Dick: Continue 

Tim: he said the dude could definitely kick his ass

Damian: Should we be looking at his enemies? Is this a Batman/Catwoman scenario?

Tim: god i hope not

Tim: mystery crush apparently like coffee but will use hot chocolate as a substitute if needed

Tim: he likes taking pictures of everything but himself which is apparently a shame since Kon said he only has a few physical photos of him

Tim: oh yeah!! he’s a beast on a skateboard

Tim: honestly if this dude wasn’t Kon’s crush i’d have loved to meet him he seems like someone i’d get along with 

The OG and the Remix

Damian: I do not understand this joke. 

Fireboy and Watergirl

Dick: Okay at this point I can’t even defend him

Dick: Apparently Timmers IS that dumb

Jason: THANK YOU

A Robin, a Robin, a Robin, and a Robin walk into a batcave

Tim: he said his crush is the perfect size for cuddles 

Tim: i have no idea what that means tho 

Dick: Do you think he’d prefer someone short enough to rest his chin on the top of their head? About 5’5, but 5’6 in boots like you use in your uniform

Dick: I think he’d prefer someone that size

Dick: Hey Timmy how tall are you again

Tim: stop projecting we get it u want a boo to snuggle with 

Tim: one relationship peril at a time. wait ur turn

Dick: Well then 

Murder Bros in Retirement

Damian: Richard is acting strangely and I do not understand this joke.

Jason: no time to explain just go with it 

Jason: dick and i have it handled 

Damian: Go with what? 

Damian: Have WHAT handled? (」＞＜)」

A Robin, a Robin, a Robin, and a Robin walk into a batcave

Jason: any size could be perfect for cuddles as long as a person is comfortable to lay on

Tim: so ur saying he’d probably prefer someone bigger than him. or the same size 

Jason: i absolutely am not thank you 

Tim: wait

Tim: wait wait wait

Tim: oh my god

Tim: jason. does Kon have a crush on u?

Jason: no???? what the fuck???

Jason: tim i can’t skateboard

Tim: please be honest with me. i’ll only cry a little i swear

Fireboy and Watergirl

Jason: dying was less painful than this 

Murder Bros in Retirement 

Damian: I don’t think you and Richard have anything handled.

Damian: If he cries, Father will never find your body. (ﾒ￣▽￣)︻┳═一

A Robin, a Robin, a Robin, and a Robin walk into a batcave

Damian: Don’t be ridiculous, Timothy. Todd prefers tea. The holder of Kon’s affections drinks coffee.

Tim: oh yea. ok that’s a good point

Jason: THAT’S what convinces you???

Tim: i once saw u take a sip of Bruce’s coffee cuz u thought it was tea and then gag 

Tim: so yea that clinches it

Jason: well since you’re so observant then you probably already know Kon loves giving people hugs 

Jason: so he’d probably prefer someone smaller like dickface said 

Jason: about your size 

Tim: true 

Dick: Little Red I don’t really know how to say this so I’m just gonna spit it out 

Dick: Kon’s crush is you

Tim: i know!! isn’t it crazy??

Dick: What

Jason: no way he figured it out. i refuse to believe it

Damian: This is a very confusing joke.

Damian: If you knew who it was the whole time, then why have you been pretending you didn’t? Please explain your joke to me. These imbeciles are useless. 

Tim: what?? i don’t know who it is

Tim: what joke

Tim: wait do u guys know who it is???

Dick: Don’t you dare try to turn this on us 

Dick: You just said you know that Kon’s crush is you

Tim: yea we’re practically identical with how similar we are haha

Tim: we could be twins in another life. Kon’s crush is basically me 

Dick: For fuck’s sake 

Jason: called it

Damian: Oh, I see what’s going on now. 

Damian: You’re just dense.

Tim: what did i do to deserve THAT??

Damian: Timothy please. Kon’s crush is clearly on you. 

Damian: The boy has black hair and blue eyes, loves coffee but prefers hot chocolate, is likely a small size Kon would prefer to cuddle, can skateboard, loves photography, and I am willing to bet all my pets that his name is Timothy Jackson Drake-Wayne.

Damian: Is all this really not obvious to you?

Tim: how do u know my middle name 

Tim: wait no not the time answer that later

Tim: Kon can’t have a crush on me 

Fireboy and Watergirl

Jason: should be be saying something

Dick: No Dami’s on a roll let him keep speaking

Dick: I think he may be able to get through to Tim 

A Robin, a Robin, a Robin, and a Robin walk into a batcave

Damian: Why not?

Tim: because I’M the one with a crush on HIM

Damian: I don’t know how to explain this but I assure you people have reciprocated crushes before.

Damian: Stop acting like an idiot or I will lose all respect for you.

Tim: u respect me????

Damian: TIMOTHY.

Tim: right sorry sorry

Tim: so ur saying that Kon has a crush on me. already. 

Damian: Yes.

Jason: duh

Dick: It was pretty obvious baby bird 

Tim: and ur all sure? like willing-to-stake-ur-identities-on-it sure?

Damian: Obviously. 

Jason: the dude is literally cuddling you as we speak

Jason: yes i’m pretty fucking sure

Jason: dick the faithful airhead might not be 

Dick: Shut UP I was just being a good brother you turnip

Dick: Yes Tim I’m sure 

Tim: ok

Tim: ok ok ok

Tim: so what now?

Chapter Text

A Robin, a Robin, a Robin, and a Robin walk into a batcave

Jason: you want a step-by-step guide or something?? just kiss the dude 

Jason: don’t do that thing you do 

Tim: what thing?

Damian: The overthinking thing?

Jason: yea

Dick: Ooooh yeah Tim don’t do that keep it simple

Tim: wHAT overthinking thing

Damian: You have a habit of turning small events into big ones.

Dick: Remember a month ago? When B gave you a rubix cube because he saw it at the store and it reminded him of you? And you took it as a sign of him wanting you to solve that super old cold case that remained unsolved for like 3 decades where the only clue was a rubix cube? 

Dick: Don’t do that with this situation 

Tim: ok but like. i solved the case. so 

Dick: And it was super admirable and we’re all proud of you!! But there’s also the fact that you jumped right to assuming Bruce was telling you to solve what seemed to be an impossible case instead of realizing Bruce just wanted to give you something that reminded him of you when he saw it 

Dick: Again. Don’t do that with this situation

Jason: keep it simple baby bird

Jason: you like boy. boy likes you

Jason: in the slightly tweaked saying of a very annoying fish: KISS THE BOY

Tim: well first of all Horatio Thelonious Ignacious Crustaceous Sebastian was a crab so jot that down

Jason: in what world would that information EVER be necessary

Jason: were you dropped as a baby

Tim: bold of you to assume i was held

Damian: Oh, mood.

Coffee Make ADHD Brain Go Brrr

Dick: What did I say about teaching Damian memes

Tim: shhhh just accept it

Tim: u teach him emojis and i’ll teach him memes

Tim: together we will turn him into a man of culture

Dick: If he calls me a boomer I’m coming after you 

Tim: relax. he respects you too much to do that

The (Not) Chosen Ones

Tim: i’ll convince bruce to let u adopt that bunny you’ve been eyeing if u call dick a boomer

Damian: Deal. \^o^/

Damian: What’s a boomer?

Tim: i’ll explain once i’ve left the country

Damian: You’re leaving? Why? When?

Tim: 1) so dick can’t get revenge and 2) i’ll leave once u set a date for ur movie night with bruce

Tim: two birds with one stone

Damian: I don’t want to know. I just want my bunny.

Tim: and you’ll get them chill out

A Robin, a Robin, a Robin, and a Robin walk into a batcave

Tim: anyway, SECOND of all i can’t just spring a kiss on him as soon as he wakes up

Jason: why not?

Tim: i haven’t brushed yet?? my hair is a mess?? i probably have sleep marks on my face?? idk take ur pick  

Dick: If he can’t handle you at your worst then he doesn’t deserve you at your best

Tim: god dick are u secretly a 50 year old divorced wine mom?? that was so cheesy plz stop

Dick: >:(

Jason: your hair’s always a mess. i doubt it’ll be anything he hasn’t seen before

Tim: let me live in denial

Tim: any other suggestions??

Dick: Pretend you’re already dating and then when he asks you why you’re acting like that be upset and ask him if he’s joking around 

Tim: DICK?????

Jason: ladhfiafh YES DO THAT 

Jason: AND THEN RECORD EVERYTHING

Damian: It could work. If he doesn’t remember what happened last night, then you can just pretend he confessed his love to you while drunk and tell him you reciprocate his feelings.

Damian: It wouldn’t even be a lie considering that’s basically what happened.

Tim: i’m pretty sure there’s something morally wrong with doing that

Dick: Okay but consider this: you get a boyfriend out of it

Tim: come on guys just tell me fukc fuck hold on

Dick: ???

Dick: Tim??

Jason: what the fuck just happened

Damian: If someone broke into his place I’m going to tell him “I told you so” and I won’t feel the tiniest bit bad about it.

Jason: as you should

Jason: timberlina come baaaaaaaaaack

Jason: timbit

Jason: timbird

Jason: timmy turner

Jason: tim man

Jason: tim-tam-teacup

Jason: timbourgeoisie

Jason: timward

Jason: timmmmyyyyyyyyyy

Dick: Tim answer your phone or I’m calling in Babs

Tim: STOP TEXTINF 

Jason: how about no

Dick: Why aren’t you texting back??

Damian: Timothy, what is going on?

Damian: Do you require assistance? 

Damian: The Manor is not far from your residence. I will be there shortly.

Tim: NO

Tim: KON AWKAE PLZ SROP TYPING 

Jason: why did you expect that to calm us down

Fireboy and Watergirl

Dick: Do you still have those bugs you planted in Tim’s place

Jason: how do you know about those

Dick: The sooner you accept that I know everything the quicker we can move on to more important things

Dick: Like whether or not you’ve got eyes on him I need to know what’s happening

Jason: nah he found them a few weeks ago and I haven’t gotten around to stashing some more 

Dick: Damnit 

Dick: Any chance you’re in the area to swing by his place?

Jason: if i was i’d already be there dickiebird

The OG and the Remix

Dick: How quickly can you sneak into Tim’s place

Damian: Not quickly enough. Alfred is insisting I can’t leave before eating breakfast for anything less than an emergency.

Dick: Tell him this IS an emergency 

Damian: He said, and I quote, “I hardly think Master Tim’s love life requires surveillance, and you tell Master Dick he should know better than to stick his nose in matters that don’t concern him.”

Damian: It will take me approximately 30 minutes to wrap things up here and make my way to Timothy.

Dick: Okay. No rush but please rush

Damian: d(>_･ )

A Robin, a Robin, a Robin, and a Robin walk into a batcave

Dick: Should I or should I not make my way to Gotham

Damian: Aren’t you in Bludhaven?

Dick: And what about it

Jason: you’re gonna drive 30 mins just to snoop on timstar?

Dick: Hell yes

Tim: Hello

Dick: Timmy!!!

Damian: What has occurred since you abandoned us?

Jason: spill them worms brat i’m fishing for information 

Tim: Um ok

Tim: 1) Hello this is Kon

Tim: 2) Tim is in the bathroom brushing his teeth and told me to text on his behalf so you wouldn’t burst in here

Jason: i didn’t expect to hate seeing tim use capitals in his texts so much but here i am 

Jason: this isn’t high priority right now but it’s important to me that you all know that

Damian: What’s the message?

Tim: “I got a boyfriend before any of y’all. Suck it losers”

Tim: Sorry for calling you guys losers. Even if it wasn’t “me” me who did it

Jason: that LITTLE ASSHOLE

Jason: we help him and this is how he thanks us????

Dick: I’ll be there in 30 minutes. Jay you wanna spray paint the Redbird with me? Meet up at the Manor?

Jason: i knew there was a reason i liked you

Damian: Do not leave me out of this! I will be done eating by the time you have arrived and will partake in this revenge. How dare he not thank us for our efforts! (ﾉ｀□´)ﾉ⌒┻━┻

Damian: Rendezvous in 30!

Tim: Well actually he also wanted me to tell you thank you for trying to help him come up with ways to woo me while I was asleep which is super cute of him but was ultimately useless considering he just blurted out “i love you” as soon as I opened my eyes and then hurled himself off the bed and made me chase him around the apartment to wrangle an explanation out of him which is actually still a pretty cool wake up call when you think about it and oh no oh shoot you’re already gone 

Tim: Hello? Anyone still by their phones?

Tim: Damnit.

Tim: Okay well. When you come back to your phones you should know that Tim DID say thank you. I just type slower than a pregnant snail moving through sand

Tim: Can snails get pregnant?

Tim: Wait no not important right now

Tim: If you show up at Tim’s apartment anytime soon there’s a good chance we’ll be out. We’re gonna go get some tomatoes. Tim says he wants to cook breakfast for me! :)

Tim: Thanks for helping him. He’s a disaster but he makes a pretty good boyfriend 

Tim: Now if you’ll excuse me, my brand new boyfriend seems to be finishing up brushing his teeth and I need to go plant one on him. The weirdo refused to kiss me before brushing his teeth. Who cares about morning breath??

Tim: So yeah. Kon out!