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“That’s amazing, popstar.” Nick held the phone between his ear and shoulder as he wrestled with the front door of his flat. “No, really—ugh, why won’t this fucking thing open? —that’s really cool, Harry.”
“I mean, it’s not that cool, Grim. I just told you a story even I knew was boring about finding a good parking spot,” Harry paused and chuckled over the phone. “Are you alright?”
“Of course I’m alright, Harry,” Nick finally managed to unlock the door and burst his way through. “Sorry, I just got home and my stupid door wouldn’t open. And Pig has been alone for hours so she’ll be mad. But, I’m listening, I promise.”
“I was just calling to say hi. You go get yourself settled and I’ll talk to you later, ok?” Harry didn’t sound too put out, but Nick didn’t want to waste a chance for them to actually have a conversation. It would be the first one in a while that wasn’t just short texts or, in one case, a 37 second FaceTime before Harry had to rush off to a meeting.
Once Nick finally got past the entryway and put his bags down he saw that Pig had in fact not taken well to being left alone all day. “Actually, um. Yeah I’ll have to talk to you later.” It looked like she had decided that the nice cushion he bought for the couch looked more like a dog toy, and now he had a huge mess of stuffing to clean up. “Pig made a mess, and I haven’t eaten, so yeah. I need to go deal with this.”
Nick could hear the false enthusiasm in Harry’s reply, “No, yeah, of course. Go feed yourself, and you know, do what you need to do. We’ll get a chance to talk soon, I’m sure.”
“Ok, thanks. Bye, Harry.” Nick hardly heard Harry’s answering goodbye before hanging up the call.
He let out a frustrated sigh and gave a guilty looking Pig a pat on the head.
“Alright, Pig Dog. Let’s get this cleaned up then.”
***
It wasn’t the first time Harry and Nick were cut off before they really got started talking. In fact, it seemed to be happening more often than not. Nick had an insane schedule that no rational person would choose, but Harry's was even worse. Between the early mornings on The Breakfast Show and the never-ending time zone changes of tour, it seemed that Harry and Nick weren’t really meant to have any real conversations these days.
It was a change that Nick wasn’t adjusting to very well. During the last tour and over the last couple years he and Harry had become closer than ever. Harry had turned to him when he started questioning his own sexuality, and Nick became his confidant and shoulder to cry on as he worked out who he really was. Then—once Harry had figured himself out—he became his…friend with benefits? Boyfriend? Something. They had never really discussed what they were, but the sex and the near constant time together had to mean something . It did to Nick, anyway.
The beginning of this tour started off alright. It was the first time Harry would be away since they started whatever it was they were doing, and in one of the last conversations they had before Harry left they came closer than ever before to defining what they were. Harry had told him he wasn’t planning on hooking up with anyone while on tour, and Nick, in a classic bid to avoid being emotionally mature, had mentioned that he hadn’t really been in the mood to pull anyone lately either. They left the meaning behind all of it unspoken.
The first few weeks of tour were hard, but they managed to Skype and FaceTime regularly enough, even giggling their way through a round of phone sex. But then Zayn left and Nick’s ratings fell even further and it became harder to find the time. It was throwing Nick off. For so long he told Harry everything from meaningless stories about his day to the fears and worries he had about his job. Not talking to him felt wrong, and even though he had other friends—wonderful friends—to talk to, it just wasn’t the same. He wanted Harry.
Finally, they managed to have a couple hours off at the same time and have a real conversation that lasted longer than a few minutes - Harry having a free morning before soundcheck and Nick having finished his afternoon meetings early. They spent a while trading stories and catching each other up on the goings on in their lives. It felt easy to go right back to their codependent way of communicating.
Nick sighed into the phone as he slumped back on his couch with Pig sitting by his feet. “I’ve really missed you, Haz.”
“I know, me too,” Harry’s voice sounded gentle and low. “I’ve felt a little off balance recently.”
“I know what you mean. I think,” he paused and took a breath. “This is going to sound really cheesy.”
“I love cheesy.” Nick could hear Harry’s smile in his words.
“I know you do. Um, I think that when we kept missing each other and not talking for a while it messed me up. Like, I need you to keep me calm. To keep me centered. It’s like I forget who I am when you’re not around to remind me.”
Nick could hear Harry breathing on the other end of the line. Finally, he said, “And here I thought you just kept me around for the sex.”
It was a joke that sounded more like an admission of love than not. Nick laughed anyway, “Well, that too. I definitely missed that too.”
“Speaking of,” Harry said, “I’ll be back at the end of April. Not long now.”
Nick paused, wondering if he was misremembering the tour schedule. He didn’t think he was as he had been counting down the days until Harry was back in London. “The end of April? I thought you were done right at the start.”
“Right, yeah. The tour break starts at the beginning of the month.” He paused as though he didn’t really want to say the next bit. “But I’m going to be in LA for a few weeks.”
“Oh.” Nick wasn’t sure what that meant. Harry wasn’t coming straight back to London? Straight back to Nick? Was it silly that he expected him to? “Do you guys have, like, promo stuff to do?”
Harry let out a little sigh and answered, “No, not really. I’ll probably do some writing though. But I’m going to check in on the house and see some friends. It’s been a while since I was there.”
Nick tried not to sound disappointed, “Oh, cool. Yeah, that’ll be fun.” He wasn’t sure how successful he was being. “I’ll see you when you get to London then, I guess.”
“Nick.” Harry sounded gutted. “I’m sorry. Some people asked me to go out there a while ago, and I made these plans. I really do miss you. I can’t wait to see you again.”
“I mean, you can wait a few weeks longer than you have to, apparently,” Nick snapped. He let out a breath to the silence on the other end of the line, “Sorry. It’s fine. Really. I just was expecting to see you sooner, that’s all. I’ll live, though, I can wait until you get back.”
“You could come out to LA if you want,” Harry suggested.
There was no way Nick would do that even if he could get away from work for a few days. He had no interest in the pity invite. “No, I have work. But some other time, yeah?”
“Ok.” Harry paused and Nick heard what must have been a knock on Harry’s hotel room door. “I have to leave for soundcheck.”
“Yeah, go be a popstar,” Nick said in a falsely cheery voice.
“Are you ok?” Harry asked. “Are we ok?”
Nick sighed, “Of course, Harry. We’re great. It was really nice getting to properly talk again.”
“I’ll call you again. Tomorrow, probably.”
“Sounds great,” Nick said. “I’ll talk to you then. Have a good show.”
“You too,” Harry replied. “Or, I mean, not you too. But have a good night.”
They laughed a bit awkwardly as they said their goodbyes and hung up. Nick stared down at his phone as the screen dimmed, then turned off. Harry was going to LA instead of coming to see him. He wasn’t sure why it was bothering him so much. He had never been the needy boyfriend type, always happy to have some space and time apart. But with Harry it was different. It was like he couldn’t breathe properly if Harry wasn’t around. He wanted to talk to him and be with him all the time. All at once Nick realized what that meant.
He was in love with Harry.
The thought didn’t even surprise him. Of course he was in love with Harry, he probably had been for a while. The relief of finally figuring out where all the pining was coming from was usurped by the realization that Harry must not feel the same way. If he did there would be no way he would choose to spend more time apart instead of milking every moment together. It was too much for tonight. Nick couldn’t think about it anymore. He needed to put Harry and his potentially unrequited love out of his mind and get drunk. So, that’s what he did, and—unsurprisingly—it didn’t really make anything better.
***
The next weeks only confirmed what Nick already knew—that he was in love with Harry. They managed a good streak of near constant communication, like how it used to be. And their witty banter and deep chats only made Nick fall harder.
At times he was certain Harry must love him too. It came across in so much of what he said and did. He had flowers delivered to Nick’s flat after a particularly hard meeting with Big Boss Ben. He stayed up way later than he should have one night just so Nick could tell him about the hilarious new feature that he was just sure would be a huge hit on The Breakfast Show. He reached out to Nick for comfort and distraction on hard days when Zayn being gone and the label wanting a new album and the stress of touring got to him.
But other times Nick remembered LA and wasn’t so sure.
When April rolled around and the tour went on a break, they carefully avoided the topic. Harry flew to LA and Nick stayed in London. They kept talking as if everything was normal, but the weight of the fact that they could have been together was building. Nick tried not to think about it. Harry would be back in London in no time and all the worrying would be for nothing. They were great together, Nick knew that. He had decided to just live in the moment once Harry got back. He wasn’t going to act like a scorned housewife for the time he did have with Harry. And there was no use wondering what it all meant or where they were headed. He just wanted to enjoy having his person home again.
With just about a week to go, Nick made a mistake. He didn’t mean to drunk dial Harry from across the world, but that’s what happened. He went out, got horrendously drunk, stumbled his way to a cab, and called Harry. There had been a guy at the bar with long curly hair who was wearing skin tight jeans, and when Nick caught sight of him from the corner of his eye it made his stomach drop. He needed Harry there, and he needed him to know how he felt. It all seemed rational after the shots and drinks he’d had - to call up his maybe-boyfriend and tell him he was crazy about him and crazy without him.
The phone rang repeatedly until Harry finally picked up with a cheery, “Hey, Nick! It’s late there, you alright?”
“Yeah, just wanted to hear your voice,” Nick slurred.
Harry laughed and said, “Oooh, a drunk call, I see. Well, I’m happy you called. Where are you?”
“London.”
“No, right. I knew that,” Harry chuckled. “But where are you, are you home or still out?”
Nick sighed, “A cab. Almost home.”
Harry seemed to pick up on Nick’s tense mood. “Good. Did you have fun tonight?”
“No. You weren’t there.” Harry laughed softly in response and Nick added, “And I have to tell you something.”
“What?” Harry sounded nervous. Nick wondered if maybe Harry thought he was about to confess something. Tell him that he’d hooked up with someone else or that he didn’t want to see him when he got back.
“I, um. I don’t understand why you didn’t come home.” Nick listened to the silence and added, “I don’t get how you could do that.”
The breath left Harry in a rush, “Nick, I’ll be home soon. Less than a week.” He sounded heartbroken., like he couldn’t believe he had caused Nick to feel that way.
“I know, but how? How could you stand it? I can’t stand it when you aren’t here. I need you. I miss you.” Nick could hear himself pleading. He didn’t want to sound like this, but it was how he felt. The alcohol allowed him to let down his sarcastic exterior and show Harry how hurt and confused he was.
“Nick. I miss you. Of course I do. I had to do a few things, I didn’t come to LA to avoid you.” Harry scoffed and said, “God, it was the opposite really.”
Nick didn’t understand. “What does that mean? That’s not the opposite.”
“I know,” Harry said. “I just had to get my head on straight. I had to think about things, you know?”
In a small voice Nick asked, “Think about me?”
“Yeah. You. Life. The band.” He paused before adding, “I can’t wait to come home to you.”
The cab had pulled up in front of Nick’s flat and he handed the driver too many bills and got out. “I’m home now,” he told Harry.
“Ok, good. Go in and get some water. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, ok?”
“Ok.” Nick took Harry’s advice once he got to the kitchen and filled a glass from the sink, drinking it down in large gulps.
“And Nick,” Harry said. “I really am sorry. I do miss you.”
“Me too. Goodnight, Harry.”
***
Their reunion went about how Nick expected it to. Harry was at his flat when Nick came home from work, having let himself in earlier, and they immediately came together in a rush of kissing and shedding of clothes. After a much anticipated round of reunion sex, they laid pressed together on Nick’s bed, Pig whining gently on the other side of the closed door, jealous that she hadn’t been let in. Harry’s head was on Nick’s chest as he played with his chest hair. Nick’s hand was stroking up and down Harry’s back, dipping lower every once in a while to feel where they had just been joined.
“I have something for you,” Harry said, breaking the comfortable silence between them.
Nick grinned, “You got me a present?”
“Kind of.” Harry sat up and looked Nick in the eye. “Do you want it now?”
“Can I shower first?” Nick asked. “I’m not in present-opening shape. I’m all sweaty. And hungry.”
“I don’t mind you sweaty,” Harry said with a smirk. “But sure, let’s both shower then I’ll show you and I’ll make something for dinner.”
One shower and obligatory round of shower sex later, and they were settled on the couch in the living room. Nick was excited to see what Harry got him, mostly because Harry himself seemed quite nervous. That must mean it was something good.
“So, it’s not really a physical something. It’s on my phone,” Harry said handing his phone to Nick.
The screen showed the music app open with a song already selected. There was no album art or artist information, and the title showed just “Harry Demo – April 2015.”
“A song?” Nick asked. His heart sped up as his next question popped into his head, “Did you write me a song?”
Harry nodded shyly then, much to Nick’s relief said, “I know you hate listening to people’s songs in front of them. So, I’ll go make dinner and you can listen.” He handed a speechless Nick a pair of headphones and stood from the couch, leaning down to kiss the top of Nick’s head before heading out of the room and leaving Nick alone.
Nick’s hands shook as he plugged in the headphones and put them in his ears. His finger hesitated before pressing play. He didn’t know for sure what he was about to hear, but writing someone a song seemed like something you would do if you loved them. “Live in the moment,” he reminded himself, trying not to get his hopes up.
With one final steadying breath, he pressed play.
A gentle piano rhythm started the song before Harry’s voice came in.
If I could fly
I’d be coming right back home to you
Nick paused the song and took a breath. Ok. This is what he thought it was. He dragged the slider back to the beginning to start the song over and pressed play again. The first lines hit just as hard the second time, but that was nothing compared to what came next.
I think I might
Give up everything, just ask me to
Again, he paused the song. His heart was beating so loudly in his ears that he could barely hear the clinking of pans and dishes from Harry in the kitchen. Give up everything? Had he heard that right? Ok. Nick took yet another cleansing breath and readied himself to continue. He couldn’t keep pausing it like this, it would take him hours to get through the song.
Pay attention, I hope that you listen
Cause I let my guard down
Right now I’m completely defenseless
Pay attention. Nick could do that. The idea that Harry knew he would need to remind him to actually listen made Nick laugh. Then, when he realized that he had in fact not been paying attention, he laughed louder—and perhaps a little manically—and paused the song again.
“You ok in there?” Harry’s voice came from the kitchen.
Nick cleared his throat, “Yes. All good. Sorry. Keep cooking.”
Yet again, Nick scrolled back to the beginning of the song and told himself to listen to Harry and pay attention. This clearly meant something, and he couldn’t wait to find out what.
For your eyes only
I’ll show you my heart
For when you’re lonely
And forget who you are
I’m missing half of me
When we’re apart
Now you know me
For your eyes only
For your eyes only
As the chorus played Nick could hardly catch his breath. He couldn’t really convince himself that this wasn’t a dream. This was exactly what he’d hoped Harry would say to him. And somehow Harry was saying it, right now. In this beautiful song. A song that he wrote for Nick. He shook his head and willed himself to listen closely.
I’ve got scars
Even though they can’t always be seen
And pain gets hard
But now you’re here and I don’t feel a thing
Nick’s heart ached at the thought of Harry hurting.
Pay attention, I hope that you listen
Cause I let me guard down
Right now I’m completely defenseless
He was right, this song was so vulnerable. Harry’s guard was down, and he was letting Nick see inside. It felt all at once like too much responsibility and everything he’d ever wanted.
For your eyes only
I’ll show you my heart
For when you’re lonely
And forget who you are
I’m missing half of me
When we’re apart
Now you know me
For your eyes only
For your eyes only
Nick knew Harry saw him. It was like he had reached into Nick’s head and perfectly described how he felt.
I can feel your heart inside of mine
I feel it, I feel it
I’ve been going out of my mind
I feel it, I feel it
Know that I’m just wasting time
And I hope that you don’t run from me
Nick shook his head in response to the song. He could never run from Harry. Not now, not after this.
For your eyes only
I’ll show you my heart
For when you’re lonely
And forget who you are
I’m missing half of me
When we’re apart
Now you know me
For your eyes only
Nick could see on the screen that there was less than a minute left. He closed his eyes and took every word and every note in. Harry was talking to him through this song and he wanted to listen and not miss a thing.
For your eyes only
I’ll show you my heart
For when you’re lonely
And forget who you are
I’m missing half of me
When we’re apart
Now you know me
For your eyes only
For your eyes only
For your eyes only
As the rest of the song played out, the full weight of what this was hit Nick. Harry loved him back, he had to. Nick pulled the headphones from his ears, rubbed his hands on his face as if washing away the fear, and walked to the kitchen.
Harry was standing with his back to him in front of the stove.
“You wrote me a song,” Nick said.
Harry turned slowly around and all of his nerves and insecurity showed on his face. “I did.” He swallowed. “Did you like it?”
Nick took the three strides separating them and wrapped his arms around Harry, “It was perfect.” They pulled apart, and Nick’s eyes filled with the tears that had been threatening to fall for the last five minutes. “Harry,” he said.
“I um. I wrote it right when I got to LA,” Harry said. “I went there because I needed a second to figure out what I felt and what it all meant, and um,” he gestured vaguely to the phone still in Nick’s hand, “that’s what I came up with.”
“Oh my god, I love you,” Nick said in a rush. “Like, fully love you.”
Harry’s face glowed as he smiled a dimpled smile at Nick, “That’s good. Because I’m pretty in love with you.”
They could barely kiss through their smiles but tried anyway until Nick’s stomach growling caused them to break apart with laughter.
“I’m so hungry, but I love you so much,” Nick laughed.
“Well, let’s eat. And then we can get back to that later.” Harry’s eyes shined as he stood looking back at Nick. “You love me?” he asked after a moment.
“I really do,” Nick confirmed.
“Good. Because I haven’t actually started cooking anything yet. I was too nervous.” Harry turned and gestured at the empty pan sitting on the cool stove. “But you love me, so you can’t get mad,” he said with a cheeky smile.
Nick rolled his eyes, “I suppose I can’t.”
He let Harry get back to work on their dinner and took a seat on a stool to watch him as he moved around the kitchen like it was his own. Nick could feel the lovesick look on his face, but was powerless to do anything about it. He pinched himself to check this was all still real and didn’t even feel the pain of it. Nothing could bring him down now that Harry was his for real. For his eyes only.