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*** 1 ***
Sapnap was merely eleven years old when he met Dream.
A late-night skype call one weekend with some of his friends, they were messing around on whatever Minecraft server they’d deemed appropriate at the time. One friend had mentioned some friend he’d made was online and added him into their group call, his name was Clay, but he liked to go by Dream.
Little did Sapnap know how much that name alone would mean to him in years time.
They hit it off easy, really, it’s never too hard for preteen boys to bond over their favorite video games, even someone as secluded as Sapnap.
Dream was a nice kid. His laugh was a little awkward, but Sapnap would never judge. He knew they all had things that were a little odd about themselves. That same laugh would be one of his favorite sounds into his teenage years. Dream called him “Pandas”, referenced to his Minecraft name, despite Sapnap telling him numerous times it was fine to just call him Nick.
The boys had clicked so well, their adventures continued beyond that one group call. They found themselves calling often, in private too, just to play Minecraft until Dream’s mom told him it was time for bed. Time zones be damned, it always left one of them waiting.
For Dream, he was slightly ahead and sat waiting like a lonely puppy for Sapnap to get home from school an hour or two after he had. For Sapnap, he’d be left in silence with an hour or two to spare before his dad would tell him to get in bed for the night, the boys had school the next morning.
Then summer came, and without the time confines of school and other important activities, they spent so much time playing Minecraft for
hours on end. And when their eyes would get tired after a twelve-hour session, and they’d be severely dehydrated and sweaty in the summer heat, they’d stay on the call and chat for a while.
They were truly best friends.
There was a point in time though, the summer before Sapnap started the eighth grade, just when he thought he’d never go a day without Dream again, the older boy started to dwindle in activity.
Sure, Sapnap would receive some odd texts here and there, with a hopeful assurance they could log onto their server soon, but as time went Sapnap was losing hope. They’d played a bit over the next couple of months, but with each call, he was convinced Dream was drifting farther and farther.
Then finally, a fateful night that Sapnap had decided to stay up way too late playing Minecraft, Skype had popped up with a notification that Dream was online. The younger was elated, and his prayers were answered, Dream had messaged him immediately.
‘ You’re still awake? ’
‘ So are you? ’
‘ Fair point. ’
Sapnap laughed quietly to himself in the dark of his bedroom, the fans in his PC whirring while it attempted to keep running Minecraft that he’d abandoned in favor of Dream.
‘ Can we call? ’
He didn’t bother sending a message back, instead, Sapnap had pressed the call button. The action was second nature to him now, he consumed calls with his best friend like it was the air he breathed.
And maybe, he was convinced he needed Dream as much as he needed oxygen.
“Hey!” Sapnap chirped when the class picked up, he was greeted in return with a small sniffle and shuffling on the other end of the line. “Clay?”
“I’m here, sorry,” Dream laughed half-heartedly, Sapnap was sure he could pinpoint insecurity in the tone of his voice.
“Are you okay?” He quizzed the older. This was new, they’d never… been vulnerable in front of each other. The most severe emotions they’d ever shown were whenever they’d rage at each other, getting too competitive in some mini-game they were playing.
Dream must have scrounged up confidence somewhere because that was enough to slowly open the gates. He still hesitated, rethought through it all, but continued.
“Not— not really, no.” He sighed, and Sapnap sat up a little straighter. “Is it okay if I just… like, talk to you? You don’t need to say anything back! Just, like— I don’t know kinda… You’re all I have, Pandas.” Sapnap hated how sad he’d sounded, Dream’s voice had broken off and wavered by the end of his rambling.
“Talk to me, Clay,” Sapnap murmured, eyebrows furrowed in concern, despite Dream not being able to see it anyways.
Dream took the time to start carefully explaining from a couple months ago when he started to disappear. He mentioned his parents having to move, which meant he’d had to move across the state, away from all of his friends. Now he was in his first year of high school alone and meant it quite literally when he said Sapnap was all he had.
“They— they’re always mad at me, I can’t please them.” Dream groaned “Everything I do is wrong and I just don’t… care anymore. I like, can’t bring myself to care, no matter how much I want to.”
Sapnap listened silently for another hour and a half. They learned that same week that Dream was depressed, an effect of the move and cause of the isolation.
But even then, even with his best friend pushing him away, he still welcomed him with open arms.
“You know, you’re always gonna have me,” Sapnap mumbled into the phone one night, groggily curled in bed and probably minutes away from his dreamland. “No matter what, Dream, I’m right here.”
Thirteen-year-old Sapnap didn’t know how much that small reassurance had carried their entire friendship. From that point forward, Dream had seemed to push forward. He started to care again, he made new friends in his school and came around more often to talk with Sapnap. Slowly but surely, daily Minecraft sessions returned.
*** 2 ***
The day Dream got together with his girlfriend, Sapnap remembered pretty vividly. She seemed like a sweet girl, and Dream seemed oh so in love with her.
But as time went on, there were more or fewer phone calls where his best friend sounded off. He seemed more tense, on edge all the time, and the calls grew less consistent.
There was a day that Sapnap’s phone rang while he was taking a nap, it startled him awake but he ignored it in favor of returning to the security of sleep. It didn’t stop though, whoever had rung him was calling again, and again. So he finally had rolled over and picked it up, sitting up when he read “Clay” as the contact name.
Normally, Dream didn’t call numerous times. If Sapnap didn’t answer he’d send a text and wait until the younger woke up, so it was unusual behavior, to say the least.
“Nick,” Dream gasped into the phone as soon as Sapnap clicked accept.
“Dream?” This situation seemed oddly familiar to years before, the same night Dream had opened up to him about the move, and how he felt. Sapnap could hear the same desperation in his voice.
“I don’t know what to do anymore, Nick,” Dream sighed, “Sorry, I shouldn’t have spammed your phone. Were you sleeping?” Sapnap frowned at that, he didn’t want Dream to think he couldn’t reach out to him.
“No you’re fine, what do you mean you don’t know what to do?” Sapnap brushed off the second part of what his friend said, if they dwelled on it too long then Dream would probably run off and feel even more guilty.
“My girlfriend, she—” Sapnap sighed, months into the relationship the girl who was sweet as a rose had slowly morphed into thorn bushes. “She thinks I’m cheating on her, because of how much time I spent online. I’d never do that though, I love her, Nick.” Dream sounded so heartbroken, Sapnap had to ignore the pull in his own chest.
“I know you wouldn’t.” He tried to console his distressed friend. Sapnap meant it when he said he knew Dream wouldn’t do something like that. His best friend loved like the world was gonna crash and burn around him, he loved with a searing hot intensity that lit Sapnap’s heart on fire. Dream would never love and throw it away like that.
“I love her, I don’t want her to think I’d do that to her…” Dream sighed again, “I might try getting off of social media or something, spend more time with her or whatever.”
“Do whatever you need to do, man,” Sapnap’s gut twisted sickly at the thought that Dream would leave, less time online meant less time with Sapnap.
“I don’t know, I’m just worried,” Dream mumbled, “You're really the only thing I’d need to ever go online for. I don’t want that to go away.”
“I’ll follow you wherever you go, Clay.”
Just like when they were younger, Dream kept those words close to his heart. He trapped them and locked them away, saved for a rainy day. He also never went off the grid as he had considered, but he appeared offline more frequently than Sapnap would have liked.
“I left her.”
Sapnap was shocked to hear the words leave Dream’s mouth and through the receiver, he even pinched himself to ensure this was in fact real and not his mind playing into his fantasies.
“You did what?” He breathed out, failing to hide any hints of hope traced within.
“I-I broke up with her. She just, like— I couldn’t deal with it anymore.”
If that wasn’t the most relieving news Sapnap had ever gotten, he didn’t know what was. She was clearly awful, maybe not as a person, but Sapnap couldn’t stand anyway who might be hurting his best friend.
“I’m proud of you, man.”
*** 3 ***
Nineteen.
That was a tough age to blow up on the internet, but Sapnap managed. It was with his best friends, Dream and George, so of course, he could handle it. Maybe if he was alone then he’d crumble under the stress and anxieties, but with his best friends to catch him, he felt nothing but elated.
It may have been odd at first, but it became normal after a while. As they grew more and more popular, they were able to do more things. One of those was to move in together.
Of course in the middle of the pandemic, George couldn’t even visit if he wanted to, but Dream was eager to have at least one of his best friends at hand. They’d had it planned out already by now, Sapnap was due to drive overnight to Florida in two days' time. That also meant he needed to sleep now so he could drive without having to stop.
Sapnap was laying wide awake though, he was too excited because this was it. He was finally gonna meet up with his best friend of the past eight years and live with him.
It was nerve-wracking, but at the same
time, he was beyond excited. For the moment he was leaning towards the excitement, but Dream was falling back on nerves.
‘ why are u online? I thought u were due for a 12-hour nap lol ’
Sapnap smiled when the discord message came in from his friend, knowing soon they’d be less common when they could just knock on the other’s bedroom door to chat.
‘ can’t sleep lmao ’
He hastily replied, watching as “Dream is typing…” popped up a few times and disappeared.
‘ nervous? ’
‘ nah, i’m excited ’
‘ not excited for the drive though ’
‘ lol yeah i can imagine ’
‘ i’m kinda nervous tbh ’
‘ why? ’
‘ idk, just worried about things changing ig ’
That was something Sapnap chose not to consider too much. Dream had a point, their entire friendship had been entirely online until this point so being in person was foreign. At this point, all of Sapnap’s friendships were online since he graduated, jumping to living with his best friend probably seemed insane to some people
‘ nothing will change that much. i mean we still have to record and edit and stuff and we still have to use discord for streaming ’
Sapnap was trying to reason with himself more than anything, he created a looming anxiety in his head that maybe Dream would change his mind and call off the move.
‘ the only difference would be that there’s no time difference ’
‘ and we can cuddle ;) ’
‘ ur such an idiot ’
That phrase was one he could practically hear Dream say. In all their years of phone calls, including those with George, anyone would learn to nitpick the soft and fond edge to those words.
‘ you’re right though i’m just overthinking it ’
‘ thanks sap :) ’
‘ u should probably try to sleep now ’
‘ yeah i’m getting tired ’
‘ cool cool ’
‘ sleep well, love u brother <3 ’
‘ love you too dreamie ’
*** 4 ***
Living with Dream was probably one of the best things to happen to Sapnap.
It was his first time living away from his parents, so he didn’t need to worry about curfews or being too loud on discord at night. Well, the second bit was only because the two were almost nocturnal half the time, they still screwed up their sleep schedules to talk to George every day.
Dream was comfortable to live with. They respected each other’s space and time, it was like living alone, but they still had the option to go to the other’s room when they just wanted to hang. That was probably one of Sapnap’s favorite parts, whenever he was streaming Valorant on his alt account with Punz or Sylvee, and Dream would just come to sit for a bit. He’d always sit criss-cross in the same spot next to Sapnap’s chair, even rejecting when the younger offered to get a chair for him. It was nice to hear him casually chime in with input whenever he had something to say, and not filtered through speakers and layers of the internet.
Lately, they’d gotten a bit out of sync though, when Dream had to be awake during the day to join Tommy or Ranboo’s lore streams, or hop onto a call with Karl to discuss business. Meanwhile, Sapnap slept through the day, he wasn’t needed in any important live streams and instead played Geoguesser with George in the unholy hours of the morning, while Dream snored away into his own bedroom.
So to say the least, Sapnap was a little surprised to meet Dream in their kitchen at three AM. Sapnap wandered in to feed his craving for sugar and another can of Monster but startled when he Dream’s figure trembling slightly and hunched over the island, his shaking hand held a glass of water.
“Clay?” Sapnap murmured, careful not to startle his best friend. He seemed fragile.
“Sap?” Dream looked a little shocked like he didn’t expect Sapnap to be up at this time and show up in their kitchen, despite knowing full well their sleep schedules.
“Are you… okay?” Dream sighed and placed his cup of water on the counter, gaze shifting and locking onto it while his arms wrapped himself almost protectively.
“Yeah, yeah. I-I’m okay, no sweat.” It was painfully obvious that he wasn't okay, he looked like a cup on the edge of a counter, ready to shatter any moment. But Sapnap wasn’t just gonna call him a liar.
“Dude,” Sapnap chuckled lightheartedly, “You’re like, shaking out of your skin.” The flash of fear that crossed his best friend's face broke his heart a little, he really wanted to retract his own words. “It’s okay, though. You know, like… it’s okay if you’re not okay.”
Sapnap was never good with emotions. He was capable of feeling them, sometimes even talking about them, it wasn’t so painful like it was for George. But still, he got choked up in feelings and couldn’t always process them well. He didn’t feel with his entire being or wear his heart on his sleeve as Dream did.
“I just…” Dream trailed off like he was debating on whether or not it was worth it to open up in the middle of his kitchen at three in the morning. “I-I just had a nightmare, that— that’s all.” Sapnap frowned, of course, that’s why the taller looked so distressed. He’d had his own share of nightmares, sometimes they left him as shaken up as Dream seemed now.
“Do you, like,” Sapnap took a deep breath, “Do you want a hug?”
Dream finally met his eyes again, slightly hopeful and yearning. Sapnap knew he wanted to say yes, but he was hesitating like he was waiting for Sapnap to say sike and laugh in his face.
“Yeah…”
That’s all Sapnap needed to cross the distance to meet Dream, and although he was shorter, he wrapped his arms loosely around the older, allowing him room to breathe but also knew that Sapnap meant it. In return, Dream wrapped his arms around Sapnap’s neck securely, but still hesitant. It was the first time they’d really touched each other since Sapnap’s arrival when they’d briefly hugged and made his heart soar. He smelled like a mix of pine and Old Spice. A weird combination, but one that Sapnap had grown familiar and fond of. It smelled like home to him.
They’d broken away after a while, Sapnap had just missed the look of sadness across Dream’s face when they did.
“Are you going back to bed?” Sapnap questioned, squinting his eyes to see the time in bright green letters on the microwave.
“I don’t think I could sleep again if I tried.” Dream laughed brokenly, fidgeting with the sleeves of the hoodie he wore.
“Wanna watch anime with me?” Sapnap offered, “I know it’s like, not really your thing, but there’s a new episode of Attack on Titan out so I thought maybe you’d—”
“Sure,” Dream chuckled, effectively cutting off Sapnap’s anxious rambling.
“We could probably call George too, I think he just woke up,” Sapnap offered.
“Sounds like a plan to me, meet me in your room?”
Sapnap nodded and watched as Dream left the kitchen, his thudding heart becoming more noticeable now that his best friend wasn’t taking every one of his senses. He longed to have his arms wrapped securely around the taller’s waist, breathing in that sweet scent of pine and feel nothing but comfort.
Were best friends supposed to long for the other like this?
*** 5 ***
A strangely similar situation occurred again a few weeks later, only this time Dream’s anxieties were skyrocketed and he was definitely not yet facing the aftermath, instead, he was caught in the full storm.
It was early in the morning again, but not as early, Sapnap was scrolling through Reddit when he heard a commotion from Dream’s bedroom, a loud slam against the wall. Sapnap locked and pocketed his phone, shuffling over to his bedroom door and then making his way down the hallway. He’d gingerly knocked on his friend's door and frowned when he got no answer. It worried him more, so after the third try, he let the other know he was coming in before just opening it.
Dream was huddled into a ball against the wall, curled into himself protectively while he gasped for breath, hands tangled into wavy blonde locks. All that Sapnap could only identify as a panic attack.
He frantically remembered bits of Twitter threads and posts on helping people through these. From breathing exercises to asking for permission, anything he tried to remember to help his best friend.
“Clay? Hey,” he kept his voice soft, forcing himself to stay calm and not guilt the other, “Listen to me, okay?”
Dream met Sapnap’s eyes, puffy and swollen red with thick tears dripping down rosy cheeks. Sapnap so desperately wanted to reach out and wipe them away, whisper that it was okay but he knew better.
“Can I touch you? It’s okay if not! I just need to know so I can help you,” he murmured.
Dream nodded in response, eyes shutting while he still tried to catch his own breath. Sapnap took the confirmation and gently reached out, inching forward while he took one of Dream’s hands, untangling it from his hair and holding it.
“I need you to take deep breaths, can you do that for me? Breathe with me.” He inhaled slowly, watching as Dream struggled to do the same, and then exhaled at the same speed. They continued the pattern while Sapnap drew languid circles on the back of Dream’s hand in time with their breathing. Slowly but surely, they managed to get the air back in Dream’s lungs, which slowed his once frantic tears.
“Good, good job. I’m proud of you,” Sapnap praised, watching Dream’s eyes as they lit up with the slightest bit of hope. “Okay, can you stand? We need to get you comfortable,” he cooed sweetly.
Dream nodded and tried to stand, but ended up gripping deathly tight to Sapnap’s shoulder as they stumbled to his bed. They both sat on the edge, Dream anxiously toying with his fingers while Sapnap considered what to do next.
“Do you want a hug?” He asked. There was way less hesitance than the night Dream had a nightmare, he has noticed the way his friend seemed to be itching for some form of comfort. As he expected, Dream nodded and immediately leaned into the younger. Sapnap wrapped an arm around Dream’s waist since it was hard to give a proper hug with the way they were sat.
“Would you like to talk about it, Dream?”
“Yeah,” the blonde sighed, voice coming out rough and shagged from misuse. “I just saw another Twitter thread accusing me of more shit. It’s not even true, but the replies… they were just awful!” Sapnap hummed thoughtfully, carefully rubbing his hand up and down Dream’s side while he explained, “I’ve just been too stressed over editing and my new song, and now I’m canceled every other week, I just sorta broke down.” He sighed, relaxing further into Sapnap’s hold.
“I’m sorry about that,” Sapnap cooed, “I’m not the best with this stuff… But I can help you with what you need to edit if that’s something?” He offered, along with a shy smile, “And the antis are gonna do this no matter what. All that you have to do is make another tweet explaining it’s not true, our fans still love you, Dream.”
I still love you.
“Thanks, pandas,” Dream sighed again, “You're right. I’m just… I’m just stressed out.”
Sapnap could smell the mixture of pine and shampoo again in their close proximity, his heart was hammering in his chest. He could feel the heat and softness of Dream’s skin from his side where the hoodie had ridden up while Sapnap was rubbing it. Everything was just Dream.
“How— How do you feel now?” Sapnap’s voice wavered, the attempt to act like his mind wasn’t going other places failed.
“Better. Not amazing, but you helped. A lot… thanks Nick,” Dream hummed truthfully, leaning closer into Sapnap’s side while he tightened his arm around the other. This felt comfortable.
It felt right.
*** +1 ***
So, Sapnap had a problem.
No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t get the feeling of Dream’s body pressed into his side out of his head. The way his eyes looked so fond when he’d comforted him, how pretty he looked with his blonde hair falling in front of his eyes, he hated it.
His friend was obviously vulnerable then, Sapnap shouldn’t be thinking about how soft his skin was and how it warmed him wherever they touched. He wasn’t supposed to be fond of the way Dream’s eyes had sparkled through the fresh tears, how rosy and pink his cheeks were flushed, how nice his lips looked bitten red.
His little problem had led him here.
Why was he suddenly thinking this way about Dream? And why wasn’t it clear to him before the way his heart pulled whenever the older was distressed?
Sapnap liked boys.
Well, he likes his best friend at least, to say boys as a whole was too scary of a thought for him to think about right now. Not with Dream sitting across the table from him and cluelessly munching on a bowl of cereal. He could feel the way his hands started to feel clammy and shake, this was too much.
Dream was his best friend, he wasn’t supposed to have feelings for him.
Was he?
If he was being honest, Sapnap was starting to enjoy imagining how it’d feel to have Dream wrapped in his arms again, feel that tanned skin pressed into his own. Sapnap wanted to feel warm.
Warm with whatever it felt like to be loved, to be wanted and cared for.
He didn’t even notice he’d dropped his spoon while traversing his own brain until Dream was snapping his fingers in his face.
“...apnap? Sapnap—” He shook himself out of his thoughts and met Dream’s concerned but amused gaze. “You good, man?”
“Aha yeah, yeah. Sorry,” he murmured, quickly picking up the discarded silverware and rushing to put it in the sink. But Dream knew better, he knew when his friend was trying to act like something didn’t happen.
“Don’t apologize, come here,” Dream pulled out the chair next, opposed to the one on the opposite side of the table that Sapnap had occupied before. He was hesitant to take it, but he couldn’t say no to those adoring eyes that the taller gave him, so he hesitantly sat in the seat his friend had offered. “You don’t normally space out like that, what’s on your mind?”
Sapnap hastily avoided eye contact and started to fidget with his fingers, suddenly more fascinated in them than he ever had been in his life. But unfortunately for him, it was too hard to dodge Dream. The older boy knew him like the back of his hand, probably better than Sapnap even knew himself.
“Well, I—” he sighed, “You… you’d never hate me, right?” Dream scoffed.
“What? Of course not! I mean unless maybe you were secretly plotting world domination and left me behind, then maybe I’d dislike you a little bit.” Sapnap chuckled softly at that, leave it to Dream to ease every one of his nerves with his presence alone.
“Okay, okay, that’s good. Yeah, really good,” he murmured, “Sorry this is just, really hard to say.”
Dream’s eyes softened, seemingly more aware of just how anxious Sapnap was getting from this little conversation.
“That’s okay. Just— just, like, take your time. Don’t feel like, forced to tell me.”
Sapnap took a deep breath and opted to finally meet Dream’s eyes, and fuck that was a mistake because they were so pretty when they sparkled with concern.
“I think I uh, I think I like boys.” His voice wavered in all the wrong ways and it certainly wasn’t the most ceremonious, but nonetheless, he pushed himself to do it. “I don’t know what… exactly I am, but… yeah.”
Whether or not Dream may have already suspected it, that was between him and him alone. Patches surely wouldn’t tell.
“That’s awesome, dude!” He smiled warmly, watching with fond eyes as the tension visibly eased off of Sapnap’s shoulders. “Can I let you in on a little secret?”
Sapnap nodded enthusiastically. With the added weight off his back, everything felt so much easier, so much more natural.
Dream’s large palm gently cupped the side of Sapnap’s face, the warmth alone was enough to suddenly make him feel so much colder and a shiver run down his spine. Slowly, the blonde leaned in, leaving room for Sapnap to reject or pull away, but he stayed put with a loss of breath. Dream’s rough, chapped lips were pressed to his and everything just felt right.
Something in the way they fit and moved together just made it seem like it was all meant to be, that this is where the lines finish and ends meet. As they broke away after a minute, their eyes fluttered open and they stared back at each other, Dream had the giddiest grin.
“I like boys, too.”