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“So how long are you going to stare at your board like that?”
Wang Yibo’s faraway thoughts were abruptly interrupted when he heard his mother’s voice coming from behind him. He felt a nudge at his side with what looked like a foot.
“Move over a bit. I need to take the trash out. You shouldn’t be sitting on the front doorstep like this.”
Yibo sighed irritably but obediently stood up and moved to a side, clutching the skateboard he was holding to his chest. He watched his mother wobble past him, with two heavy trash bags in hand, and place them in the trash can outside the front gate, ready to be picked up by the garbage truck. She dusted her hands and stretched luxuriously,
“All chores done for tonight. Man, I’m so tired.”
Yibo made no reply to this but continued to look down at the skateboard in his hand, lost in his thoughts once again.
“Hey!” Yibo’s mom snapped her fingers in his face, jarring him back to reality. “You’ve been moping around the house for weeks now without going out skateboarding even once and getting into trouble like you used to. This isn’t like you at all and I’m not sure if I should be glad you’re not making my hair turn grey from just worrying about what you’re up to 24/7, but I sure as hell don’t need you frozen like some statue in a daydream without at least making yourself useful around here. So why don’t you just take your board and get out of the house for a while? It’s a nice night and it doesn’t look like it’s going to rain.”
Yibo’s fingers tightened around the skateboard, his knuckles white at his mother’s words. He didn’t want to hear her constant yammering. How could she even say these words to him? Does she not know the immense, tormenting pain he has been going through the past few weeks? And she’s actually telling him to go out and skate?? How could he even think of skateboarding now?
But he wasn’t being fair to her. His mom was pretty awkward when it came to facing reality checks with people, even with her own son. Which is why she tends to talk her way around it. She simply can’t handle dark, serious conversation. Plus, she wasn’t fully aware of his pain after all.
“It’s not my board,” he managed to squeeze out. “And I’m not going anywhere.”
“Oh,” his mom said in a small voice, realising his words. “Did it belong to him ?”
Without meeting her gaze, Yibo nodded microscopingly. He turned away from her and was about to head back to his room when his mother said, “Wait. Sit with me for a while. I just want to talk to you.”
She lowered herself on the front step where Yibo was sitting earlier and patted the side next to her. Yibo didn’t really feel like talking to his mom but he didn’t really have much of a choice. He sighed and sat down next to her.
“Look,” his mom began. “I’m sorry about what I said earlier. It’s just that I find it difficult to talk about serious matters sometimes. I shouldn’t have said those things to you. I’m really sorry.”
No response from her son so she continued, “I know he was special to you. You two were really close and I was so happy to hear you finally found a good friend you could count on. He was a great kid. Not like those ruffians you usually associate yourself with. At least he was more civilised and had great table manners.”
Yibo grunted, not seeing the point of this conversation.
“Tell me the truth, though,” her voice was increasingly quiet now. “He was more than just your friend, wasn’t he?”
Yibo froze, unable to speak nor move. To be honest, he didn’t really care about what his mother thought. But at the mere mention of their relationship, he couldn’t move a muscle.
His mom took a moment to gauge her son’s reaction, then sighed. She yanked the skateboard off Yibo’s hands in an attempt to bring him back to reality. Yibo panicked inwardly, knowing he had to get it back. How dare she touch his skateboard? But he still sat there, paralysed.
“Now are you getting out of here or not? Like I said earlier, it’s a nice night. Perfect for skateboarding. Just take his board and go. I don’t want to see you around the house anymore like this. It’s way too unnatural for you and for me. Besides,” her voice dropped again, her tone more serious,
“He wouldn’t want you to be like this now, would he?”
In all honesty, Yibo hadn’t really registered anything his mother just said right now, except for those last few words.
She was right. He should get out. Not just because his mother said so, but maybe because he should try retracing some steps. Not that it would help matters but it’s probably a hell of a lot better than moping around, feeling sorry for himself.
It won’t bring the dead back to life.
“I’m going,”
He grabbed the skateboard off his mom’s hands who beamed in delight, pleased that her tactics had worked, “Oh and feel free to tell me the details of your relationship later. Haha just kidding.”
Yibo rolled his eyes but he couldn’t help but feel a small smile tug at his lips. He had to admit, his mom was pretty cool. He gave her a quick hug, which startled her as she wasn’t used to getting hugs from her son, and made a mad dash out the front gate, upsetting the trash can in the process. That earned him an earful of screams from his mother that probably woke up the entire neighbourhood but Yibo couldn’t care less. Once outside, he hopped on his skateboard and let the rush of adrenaline take over him once again. His senses came alive as he pushed forward with his left foot, enjoying the familiar hum of the wheels gliding against the tarmac and the wind caressing his cheeks and whipping through his hair.
It was a perfect night for skateboarding. The air was cool and fresh, permeated with the smell of moss and the aftertaste of rain. Thankfully, the road wasn’t slippery so Yibo had no problem gliding smoothly and weaving his way through tiny lanes and alleys. The moon was full, it’s light enveloping the world in a bright haze, lighting Yibo’s way.
Xiao Zhan . That was his friend’s name. Or more accurately, the love of his life.
Yibo could recall the day he first met him with perfect clarity; it was at the town’s park two years ago. He was skating with a bunch of his friends, laughing and goofing off when he noticed out of the corner of his eye, a skinny-looking kid around his age sitting under a tree with his hands behind his head, his big doe eyes staring off into space, deep in thought. But what really caught Yibo’s attention was the fact that the kid had a skateboard lying on his lap.
“Hey, guys,” he said to his friends, bringing his skateboard to a halt. “Gimme a sec. I’ll be right back.”
He then made his way to the lonely looking kid who didn’t seem to notice Yibo approaching him until Yibo squatted down in front of him and waved his hand in his face, breaking his daydream.
“Hey,” Yibo said, giving the boy a welcoming grin. “Sorry to disturb you but are you waiting for someone?”
The boy said nothing and instead stared at Yibo, seemingly in shock that this stranger had the audacity to approach him like this. There was something unnerving about this kid’s eyes. They were, in the least to say, quite beautiful, but they seemed to have this sort of haunting emptiness inside them when studied closely as if the boy had no soul. His stare almost felt like he was attempting to suck the life out of your body.
But that didn’t matter to Yibo. He just saw this as a personal challenge and stared back, not backing down.
This comical staring contest lasted for around twenty seconds until the boy finally realised what he was doing and looked away. Yibo flicked his eyebrows up as if to say, ‘Ha I win’
The boy sighed, and finally spoke up, “No, I’m not waiting for anyone. Now would you do me a favour and please leave me alone? I think your friends are waiting for you.” He pointed his chin in the direction behind Yibo where his friends were waving their hands frantically at him.
This should have been Yibo’s cue to leave the kid alone. He clearly didn’t want any company, but there was something strangely appealing about this kid that arose Yibo’s interest. He still had to ask about the skateboard.
“Do you skate?” he asked, tapping his finger on the skateboard on the boy’s lap. The boy, startled by this action, hugged the skateboard close to his chest, narrowing his eyes at Yibo as if debating whether or not to answer the question.
“Yes,” he said, slowly. “I do. If I have satisfied your inquisitivity, can you please be on your way now?”
“Calm down, man,” Yibo sighed, slightly exasperated. “I’m not here to harass you or anything like that. I’m just curious about your board, that’s all. Will you show me some of your moves?”
The boy huffed, “I’m not interested.”
“I bet you aren’t,” Yibo said, then proceeded to sit down under the tree next to the boy, resting his head on the trunk, his eyes closed. “I’ll just stay here until you do get interested.”
The boy was stunned at Yibo’s outright, brash behaviour towards a total stranger. He glanced at the rest of his friends who were a couple of feet away, watching in confusion at what their friend was doing. They looked as if they were going to come this way to see what was happening which made the boy freak. He didn’t need any more people in his face. He hurriedly prodded Yibo awake.
“Alright, you win. I’ll show you what I’ve got and then you leave me alone. Deal?”
Yibo opened his eyes and hopped to his feet, grinning. He extended his hand for the boy to take, “It’s a deal. I’m Wang Yibo, by the way. What’s your name?”
The boy ignored the hand, stood up and walked past Yibo with his skateboard in hand, “I’m Xiao Zhan. Now can we just get this over with?”
~ ~ ~
Yibo stopped for a second in front of a familiar row of street lamps, realising where he was. ‘ How could this be? I was just thinking about the time I first met Zhan-ge and here I am, at the same park.’ His drifting thoughts did, in fact, lead him to the exact same park he first met the love of his life. He was slightly out of breath from skating so he sat down on one of the stone benches, stretching his legs out. He could hear the wind rustling the tree leaves and the faint sound of an owl hooting somewhere far away. There was no one in the park during this time of the night so Yibo was once again, alone with his thoughts.
Xiao Zhan loved nothing more than to go out skateboarding in the dead of night. He always said that during that time, he felt like he was the only person left in the world. Just him and his skateboard.
“So why do you want me to tag along with you?” Yibo had teased him one day to which Xiao Zhan looked away and didn’t reply. It took some time for Yibo to understand really why Xiao Zhan wanted Yibo with him.
They sneaked out of their houses a number of times to go on these late-night strolls. They skateboarded around town, practicing their flips, switches and ollies, all while Xiao Zhan did a lot of talking and Yibo listened.
At first, it was really hard for Xiao Zhan to open up to Yibo. Hell, at first, he found him so damn annoying and tried his utmost best to get rid of him, but Yibo always stuck to him like a leech. Their paths always collided, be it at the park, the mall, basically anywhere in town. It eventually became endearing and soon, they became close friends.
Those late-night strolls were where Xiao Zhan really talked to Yibo. He spoke about himself, how his dad was a raging alcoholic who could never seem to keep a job for long. At home, he was beaten almost every day and his mom was powerless to save him. They struggled for money so Xiao Zhan had to work odd jobs from a really young age in order to provide for his family. Skateboarding was his only true escape from the hell he faced every day at home. It also made him forget all the shit in his head.
Yibo listened to it all, nodding his head. He may have been a bit of a juvenile delinquent but Yibo could tell that his friend was in pain. He was hurting in more ways than one. Yibo was the first person he trusted to pour out all his secrets to and in doing so, left him sobbing in Yibo’s arms. There was no need for words from him, just Yibo’s warmth and presence were more than enough for Xiao Zhan.
Through this, their bond grew even more intimate until something else blossomed. One night, they decided to go to the beach. Even though it was the absolute worst place to skate, they went anyways. There, they laid down on the sand, their skateboards by their sides, enjoying the sound of the waves swelling and crashing. The mood allowed them to share their first kiss that day, that unspoken thing between them finally addressed.
“Yibo?” Xiao Zhan whispered in Yibo’s arms shortly after the kiss. “Do you really like me?”
“I do,” Yibo answered, holding Xiao Zhan close. “ To tell you the truth, Zhan-ge is my first love.”
“Really?” Xiao Zhan replied, incredulous. “You’ve never loved anyone before me?”
Yibo laughed at this then shook his head slightly, “Nope. Never.”
“But...how come?” Xiao Zhan protested. “You’re so good-looking. Surely you would be pretty popular among the girls in your school.”
Yibo laughed again at this, “Oh yeah, I was pretty popular, in a way. I guess some girls did like me but none approached me. Even if they did, I would turn them down. I don’t really care for that kind of stuff. I never really fitted in among any of my classmates. My grades aren’t anything special and the teachers hardly ever glance in my direction. Skateboarding is the only thing I’m interested in. Nothing else. Even the guys I usually skateboard with aren’t people I am especially close to.
“I’m incredibly lucky to have found you, Zhan-ge,”
Xiao Zhan looked into Yibo’s eyes, happiness overflowing him like an open faucet. He loved this man, he really did. And he could tell Yibo felt the same way towards him too. They really could be together. This could be his chance at happiness. Maybe he could finally get a break.
‘But no,’ Reality hit Xiao Zhan like a truck. He can’t. Not with the way he was. How can he? He didn’t want to screw things up with Yibo and hurt him. He wasn’t being fair.
“I need to sort some things out first, “ Xiao Zhan said, pressing his cheek on Yibo’s broad chest. “Before we go any further into this relationship. I’m still such a mess and I’m such a flawed human being. I don’t want to start our relationship with my state of mind like this. Do you think you could wait for me? Do you think you can wait for me till I get better?”
Yibo took his Zhan-ge’s face in his hands and planted a kiss on his forehead, “I’ll wait for you. Take all the time you need. I’ll be right here, waiting for you.”
“But I don’t know how long it will take. It could be years.”
“Doesn’t matter. Five years, ten years, twenty years, I’ll wait for you, Zhan-ge. I love you so I’ll wait for you. After that, we’ll skate together forever.”
“Thank you,” Xiao Zhan whispered as they kissed one last time as a seal of approval of their promise.
~~~~~
At some point, Yibo left the bench at the park and skated his way to the same beach where he and Xiao Zhan first kissed and made that promise. Like the park, the beach too was deserted except for a few crabs and birds that had settled themselves on the sand. Yibo sat on the shore and gazed up at the sky. The moon was so beautiful tonight. He wondered if Zhan-ge’s soul had already made its way to the stars above.
The love of his life committed suicide at the age of 19. His mom discovered his body in his room hanging five feet away from the ceiling. He left no note and his body was cremated and burned. The being known as Xiao Zhan no longer existed in this world. He left behind an alcoholic father and a mother who barely knew him. He didn’t have friends to speak of so his death didn’t really have any effect on anyone.
Except on Yibo.
When he first received the news, in all honesty, Yibo wasn’t taken completely off guard. He attended the funeral and accepted Xiao Zhan’s skateboard from his mother with a perfunctory word of thanks. But he himself lost all interest in skateboarding. He locked himself up in his room, didn’t attend school, ate infrequently and slept most of the day. But he kept hugging Xiao Zhan’s skateboard close to him, as if it were Xiao Zhan himself.
Skateboarding was Yibo’s life, but after Zhan-ge’s passing, Yibo had never felt so disconnected from it. He thought he would never feel the comfortable warmth in his chest he experienced when he skated ever again. But he was wrong. Just now when he skated, he was able to retain some of that warmth. He still loved skating with all his heart.
‘Zhan-ge, I’m truly sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I couldn’t heal your wounds completely. I should have told you this that day but you aren’t flawed. Not to me, you aren’t. The world wasn’t fair to you and I was ready to stand by your side. I’m sorry you succumbed to it. I still love you and as long as this warmth in my chest remains, I’ll still love you. As long as I continue to love skateboarding, I’ll always love you.’
Yibo didn’t know how long he stayed on the sand like that but he continued to listen to the sound of the ocean waves swelling and crashing and watched the stars in the night sky twinkle in brilliant little flashes.