Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

How do you tell someone how you feel?

How to speak up

How to be confident in front of a crowd

Bobby pressed the backspace for the hundredth time before finally resigning and closed his laptop. It was easy to blend in the background, to act cocky at times because he knew his friends would eventually step in. He was happy to be the support, whether it was on stage or off it. That was a role he naturally slipped into when Reggie began to stay over more than he was at home, or when Luke ended up living with him for a good month before finally returning home. Alex was no different, though they never officially moved in, the others saw his place as an extension of their home.

He envied them for it.

This place did feel like a home once upon a time, especially to the son of an immigrant who came from across the Atlantic in hope of a better life. 

The first couple of years had been his fondest memory, not only did he finally meet his dad, a well-off man that provided them a home that surpassed his imagination, his mother was finally able to relax. His father never played an active role in his life the year he was supposed to enroll in a new school and remained that way since then. His family wasn’t perfect but it was better than his friends back home.

Family-

It’s a word he no longer understood. Bobby had been taught by his mother how important family is and how nothing should ever come between them. That, however, became the source of his stoicism and inability to act or speak up about his thoughts or feelings. What else could he do when he was never asked how his day was or anything he talked about was brushed aside? He wasn’t angry or upset at his parents per se, he just wished they actually listened but he understood how tough their lives were with work so when he was teased for pronouncing words incorrectly, he shut his mouth and blasted a podcast of vocabularies every day after school. And when his paper turned up with red markings all over his work, Bobby clenched his jaw so hard that it ached the next day.

He felt dumb, stupid even for not understanding or knowing grade-level English and American history, at least not from their perspective. He felt like an idiot whenever he would scowl or narrow his eyes whenever he was approached by his fellow classmates. How does he even begin to tell them to speak slower so he could process what they were saying? Eventually, kids his age began to give up trying to befriend him and he began to lie about how great school was. At the age of 10, Bobby was writing down a script, a conversation on how a meeting would go so he wouldn’t stumper on his words.

“Hello, my name is Bobby. It’s nice to meet you!” He had repeated his introduction twice before someone piped up, “hi, I’m Luke!”

That was how he made his first friend, Luke, who didn’t mind his silence as he continued to talk about everything. There were times when he’d ask for his opinion and times when it’s brushed off cause he took too long to answer or Luke would stare dumbfounded at his straightforwardness but never for too long. Luke had unknowingly become a great support in his life the way no one had been. So when he learned about Luke’s passion for music, something he also had an interest in, Bobby introduced him to rock bands all the way back from the 70s. He had been shy at first, because what if Luke wasn’t into that kind of music and was more into techno or country songs? But the way Luke’s face lit up as he put on a vinyl record of his dad’s and watched it in awe as Tequila Sunrise by the Eagles began to play made him relax. They had spent that entire afternoon listening to records after records and playing with their air guitar. But it was Hotel California that made them share their earphones as they huddled at the front of the school bus or in the library. It was the first song they learned how to play, the song that made people turn to them after playing a rendition of it for music class. It was the song that turned Bobby from being known as the ghost or the loner to the cool kid that had an air of superiority.

It was a song that eventually brought Alex into their life towards the end of 6th grade after Luke had stumbled into his drum lessons. The change between the trio didn’t happen until the weekend before they returned to school as 7th graders. They had strode up to him, hand in hand with Alex who was furiously blushing as he tried to make himself feel smaller. It didn’t work, how could it when they both towered over Luke? Bobby wanted to ask why they were holding hands, why Alex would duck his head whenever Luke would smile at him but he kept his mouth shut. The last thing he wanted to do was make the blonde cry.

Boyfriend was a term he learned that night and was made clear that boys could also have boyfriends.

Curiosity with a bit of excitement had taken over that night as he prepared the table for dinner. His nanny, who also cooked their meals now that both his parents worked full time, had instructed him to eat and only nodded when he said he’d wait for his parents. They didn’t come home until 11 pm, food now too cold to eat straightaway. Bobby didn’t complain and instead heated up their meals as they dropped their bags and removed their shoes.

“Ma?”

“Hm?”

“Did you know boys can have boyfriends?” He waited for her reaction and turned to his dad when she said nothing, “did you know that? I learned it today! Luke has a boyfriend and he’s my height and shy but he’s pretty-“

“Bobby,” his mother placed her cutlery down, “we’re too tired to have a conversation right now.” So Bobby, like always kept his mouth shut because he understood.

Bobby had expected to be left behind by his two friends now that they were dating, that how couples were in their grade, stuck to one another like a piece of gum. Consider him confused when he found himself spending all of their free time together, whether it was after school or during the weekends. It made Bobby want to smack Luke at the back of his head so he did when he had found out that Alex invited him for a sleepover and Luke had invited Bobby, ensuring that Alex wanted him to be there. The blonde didn’t seem to have minded and his parents had welcomed Bobby despite the unannounced visit because he was a familiar face from the Sunday masses. Safe to say that Bobby was even more confused about Luke and Alex’s relationship when Alex also began to drag him around. He never questioned it because the fact that he wasn’t left behind by his only friends was something he took pride in.

Alex became another important figure in his life, not because he was Luke’s boyfriend but because he had grown protective over the blonde after he realized that he wasn’t the only one having problems when it came to communication. He saw Alex cry for the first time when he had introduced him to his parents and added the fact that he’s Luke’s boyfriend as they hugged and welcomed him.

“Your parents are so cool!”

Bobby raised an eyebrow in Luke’s direction, “yeah dude! You get to do whatever the hell you want and have all this space-oh and your dad lets you listen to rock music in full volume and doesn’t stop you from wanting to be a rockstar!”

Alex had nodded along, “and it’s nice to know that they didn’t care about me being gay despite being religious.”

What could he tell them when everything they said was true? His life was a luxury compared to theirs and it became their safe space when their home life got too much during their freshman year. So Bobby kept his mouth shut about his loneliness and inability to talk to his parents-to argue with them the way Luke was able to or the way Alex would shout and cry as his parents meddled at their son’s love life.

How could he complain about that when his best friends made it clear how much those fights have affected and hurt them? How could he say that he envied the way they seem to be able to speak their mind? His life was perfect so it had come as a surprise when Reggie, a friend they had made during spring break, sat beside him on his bed as the other two chased each other around the house, and asked him if he ever felt lonely living in such a big house. He could only stare into those eyes, unsure of what to say or if it was even okay for him to admit that he was in fact lonely. He didn’t have to because Reggie had smiled with understanding and slipped his hand to clutch his as if he had said his woes out loud.

Bobby had naturally gravitated to Reggie from that point on. While he was enthusiastic about talking about topics that interested him he wasn’t impatient and was more interested in his opinion than rambling on his own. Then Luke and Alex broke up, and Bobby was petrified that their group would split because of it, but nothing had changed. No, that wasn’t true. Their dynamic as a whole had changed from the moment Luke and Alex preferred to huddle in their own bubble. The only difference now was that he and Reggie were a part of their exclusive bubble.

“Why did you guys break up anyway? I thought things were going well?” Reggie slid further down his bed, slipping in between Alex and Luke on the floor.

 “We kissed and nothing,” Alex’s eyes shifted to look at his ex to ensure that they were on the same page.

“Nothing?” Reggie’s face scrunched up in deep thought.

 “No sparks or wanting to do it again,” Luke added.

“That’s because your partner was Luke,” Reggie snorted at his comment and Bobby took that as a win especially when Reggie’s attention was now on him.

 “Dude! What the hell?! You talk as if you have experience!”

Bobby sprang up from his bed before Luke could grab him, and legged it out of his room, cackling at his best friend’s reddened face. The four of them ended up in a pile on the living room rug, kicking and pushing each other like a bunch of six years olds.

“It’s not what you think!”

“Nah uh! Spill, Bobster! Who did you kiss?!” Alex pinned his arms above his head as Luke sat on his stomach and began tickling him.

“Reggie! It was Reggie, you buffoon!” Their attention quickly averted toward Reggie who looked at him with disbelief. Did he not remember or was it a memory he was trying to repress? “We went to that Halloween party and I was dressed up as Slash, and you wanted to try on the wig...and, well we kissed-” He was disappointed to see a frown on Reggie’s face instead of blush or any sort of indication that would alert him if Reggie remembered that kiss and enjoyed it.

“Holy shit, Bobster! I thought you were kissing Rose! Luke, it was Reggie! Bobby was kissing him when he was waving us off!”

“What?! Why would you think I was making out with Rose?”

“You were talking to her from the moment you saw her!”

“Because the three of you left me alone to play beer pong!”

“Not fair! I’ve known you for longer and I’ve never received a kiss from you! Not even a hug! Lex, tell Bobert here that he can’t have favorites!”

It was the pained expression on Reggie’s face that kicked him into action and peppered Luke’s face with sloppy kisses. They erupted into hysterics that eventually led to them wondering if they’ll all be in a stable relationship by senior year. Still, Bobby can’t help but feel disappointed that Reggie didn’t seem to remember.

He didn’t end up sleeping that night, even with the comfort of Luke’s legs tangled with his or Alex’s face tucked against his neck as the blonde’s arms were tightly wrapped around Reggie. Maybe the shorter brunette felt similarly to Alex and Luke when they had kissed, and it was just a one sided spark. Was Reggie that wasted that he’d end up kissing Bobby in a way that would knock the air out of his lungs? If that was the case then would he have done it with anybody? His questions remained unsaid but the glances Luke would give whenever they interacted meant that his best friend knew about his feelings towards Reggie.

Now here he was in New York, 2,451 miles away from the guy he’s been pining on since freshman year, hiding in his room because all he wanted to do was return to LA and spend the rest of the month with his friends, and potentially confess his feelings to Reggie. His phone shrilled to life, Luke’s ugly mug now displayed on his screen.

“Tell me that you’re calling to get me out of New York.”

“Reggie hasn’t told you then.”

“Tell me what? Is this about-Did his parents go through with the divorce? I thought they both agreed to go to couples therapy?” That thought alone made his body itch to pack his suitcase and take the next flight back to LA or just get up and leave with nothing but his phone and wallet.

“Bobby! Are you ready?”

“One sec, ma! I’m talking to Luke!”

Bobby hastily slipped on shoes, “What about Reg? Is he in trouble? He knows where the spare key is-”

“He’s going out with Cam!”

His hand froze around the doorknob, eyebrows pinched together as he silently repeated what Luke had just told him. Was he joking? No, Luke was annoying at times but he wasn’t mean. “C-Cam?” He hated the way his voice trembled, “as in straight-A student Camilla from music class?”

“Yeah, Camilla the pianist.”

Breathe. Every part of him wanted to scream or maybe cry to his best friend about being stupid and not admitting his feelings towards Reggie sooner. He schooled his expression back to how it used to be before Reggie had come into his life, before Alex, and before Luke had pulled him into his orbit. He did what he did best when it came to his thoughts and feelings, buried them, and kept his mouth shut. “Oh-uh, tell him congrats...I guess? Uh, I have to go.  I’ll catch you guys later.”

“Bobby, wait-”

He was too late. That was the only thing that went through his mind as his body moved on auto-pilot. Of course he wasn’t interested in him, called himself an idiot for interpreting every casual touch and lingering gaze as something romantic. He was an idiot, Reggie was like that with all of them, more touchy when it came to Luke and Alex but Bobby didn’t mind because there were times when he caught Reggie looking at him with so much tenderness. This was on him, he had the chance to do something-to say something and he didn’t.

Carrie, his personal demonic angel of a cousin, had pulled him aside during the intermission of Chicago with the excuse of getting more snacks.

“Did something happen?” Carrie inspected her cherry blossom designed nails with a pinched expression. One that he knew too well. The one that silently told him that she’s ready to claw someone’s eyes out depending on how he answered. That was one of her traits that made him so fond of her. Bobby had taken the role of an older brother when her dad, Trevor, often left her alone for his tours that became more frequent after the death of his wife. So really, rather than cousins, Bobby saw her as his younger sister, and wouldn’t hesitate to protect her either.

“Robert Wilson!” Bobby winced as she pinched his side.

“Nothing bad. I just lost my chance with uh someone.”

“Reggie is dating someone?” Okay, what the hell? “Bee, you’re not exactly subtle, but Reggie is slow when it comes to romance so I’m not surprised he never caught on but he’s actually dating someone?”

“Why is that so hard to believe? He flirts with everyone, and makes out with a goddamn pizza. What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Flynn was right, you all share one brain cell!”

“I don’t know what that means but it sounds like an insult so-“ she batted his hand away before he could pinch her.

“As I was saying,” her arms firmly wrapped around his, crinkling the sleeve of his suit. “Reggie does flirt with everyone but not in a way that he’s expecting something out of it, hence me being surprised that someone reprociated it.”

“Should’ve I done that?”

“No,” the pair stopped by the door that leads to their private box. “I don’t think you can even if you tried. I don’t mean that in a bad way, Bee. You’re just-you’re the type to prefer waiting for a connection rather than have flings and hope that maybe this is the one.”

Yeah, he knew that and it was the reason why he never jumped first into flirting but more into friendly conversations. Was that why they thought something was going on between him and Rose? Sure, Rose was beautiful but he had already set his mind and heart on courting Reggie-was courting too old fashioned? Was that why Reggie never got the hint?

“So what do I do?”

“That’s up to you, Bee. Do you want to fight for him or let him be?”

Bobby wanted to fight for him, of course he did. What he felt for Reggie wasn’t a sudden electric shock that lit up his senses whenever he was within arm’s reach; Reggie was like a constant flow of energy, a necessity and influenced his moods. But fighting for Reggie meant putting him in a situation where he would end up hurting one of them. He couldn’t do that to him because while he may not be his lover, Bobby knew that his presence was valued by Reggie. So as much as he wanted to fight for Reggie, as much as he wanted to be the one to stand by his side and be the recipient of the adoration and love he surely would be giving Camilla, he doesn’t want to put that kind of pressure on him. He’s good at keeping silent anyway so that’s what he’ll do.

The first thing he threw out were the suspenders that Reggie often tugged at whenever he stepped back from their group hugs. It prompted the three of them to form the group hug around Bobby, trapping him in the midst and frankly he loved it, it didn’t put him in an awkward situation where he didn’t know where to put his arms or how tightly he should hold them. Then most of his plain black t-shirts and the hideous stripes. He couldn’t help but chuckle at the first time his mother saw him back then, wearing all black and even sporting a leather jacket. The suspenders hadn’t been new but it complimented the entire outfit and how could he say no when Reggie had pulled him into a side hug and told the group that they matched? A lovesick idiot, that’s who.

“Bee, try this one!” Another graphic button up shirt was thrown his way. “Color looks so much better on you.”

Bobby kept a couple of buttons undone as he assessed himself on the full body mirror, Carrie standing beside him with pride. The floral prints to the geometric patterns definitely suited him far better than an all black outfit. He couldn’t help but kiss the top of her head, a silent thank you for the distraction and the help. She didn’t even question the sudden invitation to do some last minute shopping before they returned to L.A.

But the thought of seeing Reggie again made him wince and wished he was old enough to ask one of the cabin attendants for a glass of wine. He slept the rest of the flight away with Carrie holding his hand.

A large poster with neon writing and glitter messily outlining each letter greeted him outside the arrivals. Carrie had stepped away from him after letting out a little snort. Yeah, even he wouldn’t want to be associated with himself if he could help it. Reluctantly, Bobby headed to his friends with a halfhearted scowl.

“I was on the other side of the country, not the world.”

“Same difference! You don’t understand how hard it was on my neck to be surrounded by the hobbits!” Alex could only grin even when Luke had punched his arm with annoyance.

“Where’s Reggie?”

“Uh...Soooo we may or may not have a gig in three hours-“

“You weren’t joking?!”

“Nope! But don’t worry, everything in our set is something you’re familiar with.”

“Not the point, asshole! I haven’t touched a guitar in almost a month!”

“But you’re awesome and we trust your skills so.”

“Guy we gotta go, Reggie just texted and they’ve been interrogating him of our whereabouts.”

Did it pain him to hug Reggie after practically jumping into an embrace as soon as they locked eyes? More than he thought. Still, Bobby held him close, tightened his arms around the shorter brunette to the point Reggie had to stand on his tiptoes. Maybe he had held him for too long, or too tightly, or maybe his feelings were so evidently painted on his face that it made Luke and Alex look at him with pity.

Reggie pulled away quicker than he liked but the new presence in the room provided the answer to his unspoken question. Camilla stood there with a small hesitant smile and only relaxed when Reggie had pulled her into a hug and introduced her. Bobby smiled, genuinely smiled, because while it had hurt to see the two of them together, he knew Camilla well enough to know that she’s a good person. For the first time, Bobby had taken the initiative and gently hugged her.

“I’m sure the guys have given you a shovel talk but I haven’t said my piece so...Reggie is a little slow like the rest of us so be patient with him. He’s naturally affectionate physically and I hope that’s something that you won’t take away from him but provide instead. This band, the three of us, we’re important to him, and I need you to understand that there will be things he can talk to either of us about and not do the same with you. It’s not done out of malice. If something bothers you about the way he’s acting you can talk to us. You’re part of this family now so take good care of him.”

An excuse quickly fell out of his mouth and left the green room right after. After noticing that there was no access to the rooftop, he made a beeline to the restroom and stared at his reflection. He looked like shit, tired from his flight and eyes brimmed red from unshed tears. He made the right call, right? Maybe if it had been anyone else then he would’ve fought for Reggie but Camilla was a great girl, kind even, so there was no reason to rip them apart.

“Shit,” he tilted his head back, forcing the tears back and barely noticed Alex leaning against the tiled wall.

“How long have you liked him?”

Bobby didn’t have the strength to look at him as he softly replied, “since freshman year.”

“Bobby-have you told him?”

“I didn’t want to outright tell him that I like him as soon as I knew I was attracted to him. I wanted to make sure I could support him and that he could do the same for me. I guess I never really stated that I was courting him. Anyway, it’s fine, Lex. I’m not saying it won’t be painful but Camilla is a nice girl, you and Luke would’ve done everything in your power to keep them apart if you didn’t trust her.”

Music has always been an escape to them and Bobby had never been more grateful to be able to think and feel nothing but the melody of their sound and the excitement of his pulsating heart. Performing had become some sort of high to the guitarist, an addicting but temporary fix to his reality. If only he could perform nonstop, to always be in the current state he’s in when on stage. And just like that it came to an end.

Bobby barely lingered after the gig, his friends apologetic for suddenly dropping the event on him as soon as he landed. He put their apologies to a quick halt, wanting to get away as quickly as possible with the explanation of being knackered from his journey but really it was so he could have a good cry and figure out how to act when the new school year began. Could he do it especially knowing that he would be sharing most of his classes with Reggie or Camilla or worse, both. Music class was going to be a real pain. What was he going to do? Could he even act the way he used to?

Take me out tonight

Take me anywhere, I don't care

I don't care, I don't care

And in the darkened underpass

I thought, "Oh God, my chance has come at last"

But then a strange fear gripped me

And I just couldn't ask

He fell asleep to the sound of The Smiths in his ear.

It was Luke that spent the rest of their break with him, Alex and Reggie would join them for band practice but never stayed for too long. It gave Bobby the time he needed to get used to the idea that a repetition of that night was never going to happen, and with Luke distracting him about their increasing fan base online had made it easier to forget the blossoming relationship between Reggie and Camilla. In reality, while Bobby may be able to hide certain emotions behind a neutral mask, he wasn’t a great liar so staying silent instead of explaining himself was the better option. He should’ve known that he’d be confronted by one of them sooner or later, and it should’ve been obvious that Luke would be the one to do it.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, but you’re not. Look, I know you need space but Reg is noticing the distance between the two of you, and it’s affecting him.”

“I don’t know what you want me to do here, Luke.”

“I don’t know either but it’s affecting the band and that’s the last thing we need this year.”

“Right. Sorry.”

“Bobster, that’s not what I-this whole secrecy about your crush on-”

“So what do you want me to do?! Confess and put the pressure on him to outright reject me? Do you think him knowing how I feel will magically make this distance go away?! I’m trying to keep all of us together!”

“Yeah, cause you’re doing such a great job with that! Just admit it, admit that you’re scared of what he’d say to you instead of giving me that lame excuse.”

“Fuck you!”

His chest tightened in despair, breath coming out short as he glared at his best friend. They had never fought, they disagreed and annoyed each other but never angry. The entirety of their body was tense and alert as if they were expecting the other to strike.

“Go.” Luke’s posture immediately loosened as he attempted to take a step closer but Bobby had taken a step back. “Just go, I’m not in the mood right now.”

He’d done it, he had ruined years of friendship because he couldn’t reign his anger in. How stupid could he be? Wasn’t opening up about his thoughts and feelings supposed to make him feel lighter so why did it hurt? Why did he feel a lot heavier than he used to?

He’ll apologise before they started senior year, right now he needed to be alone. But he let the silence dragged on for too long, keeping them all at a distance that even made Carrie scowl.

“How do you do it? How do you act unbothered by everything?” Bobby forced his eyes open, staring up at Carrie’s face from where he laid on her lap. “Do you talk to Kayla, to Nick about your thoughts and feelings?”

“Sometimes I talk to Kayla but never about family issues. What do I even say? Hey, so you know how my dad is this famous rockstar, and I live in this three story house with enough rooms to house our entire class and still have some room, and how you all think my life is this wonderful thing but in reality it’s hell. Not exactly a great heart to heart opener.” They shared a brief silence, understanding how difficult it is to complain about their lives to others when they had been lucky enough to be born into luxury. “I have you to talk to anyway and I don’t have to worry about being happy because I have an abundance of luxury to replace the lack of parental presence in my life.”

Bobby sat up and pulled his little cousin into a tight hug, “I don’t think I’d be this confident if I didn’t have you, Bee. Whatever you choose to tell Reggie or if you decide to keep things the way they are right now, I’ll be right beside you. But it’d be pretty idiotic of you if you threw all that away.”

“There’s the Cheshire Cat I know.”

By the time Bobby finally had the courage to apologise to his friends he was slapped with the information that Sunset Curve had been practicing with a keyboardist, and had changed their lead vocalist without his input. He really fucked it up, didn’t he? They clearly moved on.

It didn’t take Carrie longer than an hour to figure out whether what he had heard was true. Julie, as he had seen on social media, was an exceptional singer and it was obvious why they wanted her in the band except that wasn’t the issue. He had expected Luke to understand the importance of their relationship, and while he can keep his mouth shut when it came to allowing the lead to write all of their songs, making such a big decision that would impact their sound without his input was downright wrong. He couldn’t help but feel betrayed. It also didn’t help to know that Carrie knew Julie quite well, and while the pair hadn’t been the best of friends since they were 12, Julie was still a part of her life. Plus there was Flynn, Julie’s best friend and the person Carrie was crushing on.

He shouldn’t have said anything.

He should’ve stayed silent and prevented all of this from happening. Instead he opened his mouth and ended up hurting the people around him.

His parents never questioned the sudden lack of Luke, Alex, and Reggie’s presence in the house, or his silence during the evening meals they shared from time to time. It’s not as if they listened anyway. And any sign of frustration from him was soothed with money or materialistic things. Even Uncle Trevor, as absent as he was in Carrie’s life due to his tours, at least tried to be involved in his daughter’s life. Still, he wanted to try one last time, and wanted to hope that their recent trip to New York had brought them closer as a family. But neither of them even batted an eye or made a subtle noise of confusion when he had asked for some advice about what to do with his friends. “That's nice”, was all he heard from them that night.

Instead of taking his usual car, Bobby took his ARCH KRGT-1, a gift he had received on his 16th birthday instead of birthday greetings from his parents. Finding out that they didn’t take the time to pick the model had made him forget about it.

He almost crashed to a stop when he saw Luke, Reggie, Camilla, Flynn, and someone he assumed as Julie were chatting beside Alex’s car. Reggie had noticed him first, enthusiastically waving at him as if they hadn’t-he shook the thought out of his head. It was easy to pretend that he hadn’t seen them when a few students wanted to know more about the bike.

“Bobster!” Alex jumped on his back without warning. “Are you done whining about the gig? That was our mistake for springing that on you as soon as you landed. c’mon man, you enjoyed it!”

“Hey,” Reggie looked uncertain about how to approach him for the first time. A big sign that he definitely messed shit up and that he owed them an apology.

So without a second thought, Bobby shrugged Alex off and pulled Reggie into a tight hug, who let out a little surprised noise. Luke stood a couple of steps behind them, shyly striding up to them when Bobby had beckoned him.

“Sorry, I’ve been an ass.”

“Yeah, you have but have I.”

He could’ve pushed them aside, cut all ties with them but if there was anything he was sure of in this world, it was that he always wanted to be a part of their life. No fight was worth enough to lose them to.

“So...while I can’t deny that Julie has an amazing voice, it would’ve been nice to be a part of the discussion.” He kept his tone light, hoping the others wouldn’t take offence.

“That’s what I told Luke! But he and Reggie were too busy simping! You have no idea how hard it was to be the only one with a brain cell!”

Luke looked a little ashamed at first, “we uh, we haven’t requited her yet. Alex told us to wait for you before making a decision and when Julie found out she gave me an earful.”

“Good, it’s exhausting to be the only one keeping you in line.”

“Hey! You love me, you love keeping me in line, Bobster!”

“Do not! I’m leaving Luke in your hands, Reg. See you at lunch!”

Camilla, Julie and Flynn soon became a regular presence at their lunch table, and while Bobby still joined them from time to time, he began to hang around Carrie and Kayla more often.

The only major things that changed in their senior year was Luke and Julie skirting around each other and Bobby and Alex groaning about the lovesick pair to just get together. Reggie greeted and hung out with them as usual but Camilla was always by his side, and even joined their band practice. It was then that Bobby began to notice the subtle insecurity in her that prompted her behavior to be on the clingy side.

She must’ve figured it out.

When the chance to be alone with her arised, Bobby jumped into it without hesitation. It wasn’t until they were on the way back that he finally spoke up.

“How long have you known?” Her brows furrowed in confusion, head tilted to the side as she waited for him to continue. “My feelings for Reggie.”

“I-I suspected it during sophomore year, you both seemed really close so I thought...but I saw how he acted with Luke and Alex. I didn’t realise until you gave me your version of a shovel talk. I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For uh getting in the way?”

“You didn’t, I missed my chance because of what ifs. That’s on me, Cam...you didn’t get in the way of anything. You make him happy-”

“Not the way you do!” Camilla halted to a stop, firmly gripping the bag that held their snacks against her chest. “You didn’t see how he was acting when you didn’t contact him or Luke or Alex. I couldn’t even provide a distraction, it was-it was as if his whole world collapsed which couldn’t have been true because Alex and Luke and his family are a part of that. You’re something else to him, Bobby, something I can never be.”

Bobby didn’t know when he had pulled her into a hug or when she had dropped the bag in favor of clutching onto his shirt as she silently sobbed.

“Reg doesn’t need you to be whatever I may be to him, trust me on that.”

There was this ugly side of him that wanted to claw its way out but the truth was, in some sense he knew how she felt. It was the insecurity that he would never be the person Reggie needed or even wanted in his life that prevented him from crossing the boundaries of their friendship. It would be a lie to say that some part of him had thought about preying on Camilla’s insecurities but hurting her, and hurting Reggie in extension erased that thought. “You have nothing to worry about-” I won’t say or do anything to jeopardise your relationship , remain unsaid.

“I think you should tell him.” If not for their close proximity, Bobby wouldn’t have heard the words that she breathed out. “I don’t want you to but-but he deserves to know why you’re creating a distance between the two of you.” Camilla stepped out of their embrace, giving Bobby a wobbly smile. “And if he happens to feel the same way then I’d understand.”

“Camilla-”

“I know. I don’t want to put him in that situation either but what you’re doing now is causing him more pain...as difficult as it may be, you need to give him the chance to make his choice of who he wants you to be in his life.”

There it was, the reason why he had such a difficult time deciding whether to fight for Reggie or congratulate him on his relationship. He had no reason to hate her, to think she wasn’t good enough because she was.

Unbeknownst to the pair, Reggie and Julie were watching the silent exchange from a distance with confusion written all over their face.

“Bobby?”

He barely glanced at Reggie’s direction as he continued to coil the wire around his hand. “Yeah?”

“Do you like Camilla?”

It was the tone of resignation in Reggie’s voice that finally made him pause and turn. Was the bassist worried that they weren’t getting along the way Alex and Luke were with her? Had he been able to tell that he was in his head more often than not when Camilla watched them at their band practice? Had he displayed his distaste so openly whenever Reggie and Luke discussed the popular locations for dates?

Bobby cleared his throat, trying his hardest to keep his voice steady, “I-I do. I like her a lot…” At least that was true.

If only he had known that there was a difference between the like Reggie had said to the one that came out of his mouth.

Chapter Text

The four of them always worked together for group projects especially for their music class but this semester was different. Not only had Bobby remained focused on the board, but he also gave the band no indication that he planned on working with them. It had put a pinched expression on Luke’s face when Bobby hadn’t turned to them with an eye roll as if he’d work with anyone else.

He watched the clipboard be passed down the row, legs subtly jittering as it came closer. Before he could change his mind, Bobby scribbled his name under the solo category and hastily passed the form to the person sitting behind him. It’d be the first thing they’d see, his name scribbled as the third soloist on the first page of the form. Of course, he wanted to perform with them, it was their senior year, and possibly the last time they would perform as Sunset Curve. Bobby wanted to spend arguing over the arrangements for the project, to console Reggie every time he failed to slip his country songs into their set...to support Luke and allow him to perform insane guitar solos, but he couldn’t.

His conversation with Camilla had been an eye-opener, not only when it came to his feelings for Reggie but also about his pent-up thoughts and feelings with it came to their friendship. It wasn’t fair, Bobby felt more like an outsider than their best friend but the thing was, he never gave them the chance to know him the way they knew each other. They always provided him with an opening, encouraged, and waited for him to talk about his own issues. It had been him that shut them down, the one who made them believe that he was unaffected by their admiration for his life and freedom. He was afraid, petrified that they’d reject his topic of conversations or disregard the gnawing sadness within him. He had unknowingly, or perhaps he had done it on purpose, whichever it was, Bobby had kept his best friends at a distance.

He had turned his own existence into their shadow, present but never noticed and this might be his only chance.

“What the hell, Bobby? You didn’t think to discuss this with us?” Luke, despite his height, showed enough anger to intimidate him.

“I decided on the spot.” It was only when the weight of the pen registered in his mind that he finally came to a decision.

Reggie stepped forward, “this isn’t a subliminal message-you’re not planning to leave the band, right?”

“What? Of course not! You guys are the only people I want to make music with...well, you guys and Julie-Carrie too but mainly as a dancer, and Rose if she ever asks.” His voice trailed off into a mutter as he thought of other people he wouldn’t mind making music with. “And possibly a country song with you, Reg.”

Bobby’s smile was softer, barely visible unless focused on. Too bad Reggie was too busy proving to Luke that if Taylor Swift could successfully break into the pop genre and be successful then they could too. It was Alex that caught the openly displayed adoration on his face.

What he had feared eventually morphed his current reality. Life had naturally caused them to drift apart unintentionally. With the drive to graduate and start a new chapter of their lives, be it to pursue their dreams or test drive adulthood it wasn’t uncommon to see the dulled social buzz amongst the seniors. Time seemed to have been put into x16 speed with their growing assignments and nearing deadlines-not to mention the upcoming tests. To say that he was stressed out beyond belief was an understatement-it would be if your once distant parents now shrouded you with their attention as if they’ve always been there.

“It’s a shame,” his father piped up after taking a tentative sip of his wine.

Bobby forced the pasta down his throat, “what is?” His tone remained cautious, too unsure on where the conversation was going.

“That Camilla girl, she’d make a good daughter-in-law.”

His mother had smiled in agreement, looked at Bobby with hope and silent curiosity as to why he remained unattached. “She loves Reggie.” Bobby’s lack of appetite diminished into nonexistence. He wanted to put the conversation to a stop before he did something he knew he’d regret.

“That’s why I said it,” his father scoffed. “If you were more sociable, smiled a little and dressed as you should” their eyes locked onto each other, wrenching Bobby’s heart as the disapproval and disappointment in his father’s eyes grew evidently clear. “I supposed it’s young love-you can take your chance later in life.” It didn’t need to be said, the ‘ you’re the better choice’ and the ‘you can provide the financial stability an unknown bassist can’t’ , was loud and clear from his actions and the mockery in his voice.

“Maybe I don’t want to, Pa. Ever thought of that?”

“Bobby! Watch your tone, anak. (child.) ”

Normally, he would’ve deflated in defeat at his mother’s warning but not now, not with the academic pressure and the increasing distance between him and his best friends. Bobby raised his head and apologetically smiled at her, “no, Ma. He can’t just say things like that and expect me to agree. Mga kaibigan ko sila-di naman tama yun, Ma. (They’re my friends-that isn’t right, Ma.) ”

A simple sigh averted his attention back to his father who gently placed his cutlery side by side. “You’ve been too lenient on him, allowing him to fool around with those kids. Mom wouldn’t have been so hard on you everytime we visited if you had been stricter.”

Ashamed, his mother quickly apologized and promised to do better, fueling the simmering anger within him. Without much of a thought, Bobby stood up and slammed his palms against the table. A dull pain shot up his arms as his chair fell with a thud. “Grandma is hard on her because she was a drop-out with no social standing, who worked as a cleaner, as a babysitter, and as a bar hostess. Pa, you’re not an idiot to not know that your mother is ashamed of us-embarrassed that you’ve decided to bring your love affair and child to this country where people can see us!”

The muted sobs of his mother overpowered the sudden pain on his left cheek, his father’s ring had hit him right on the cheekbone. He prayed that it wouldn’t leave a bruise. “Don’t ever speak to me in that way ever again, Robert.”

“Why? Why can’t I say something when you’re hurting a person I love?!” Angry tears freely rolled down his face as his mother tenderly gripped his arm, silently asking him to back down. “Have you not seen how your family treats her, Pa? The way they mock her when she takes a little too long understanding what they’re saying? Or how they laugh at her pronunciations…how they belittle her for the work she’s done in order to support her family and raise me on her own?” He roughly wiped his tears away, eyes subtly burning. “Or do you not care anymore?”

Prolonged silence deafened him and he couldn’t react any other way but to laugh. Bobby became too aware of their presence, it felt suffocating to be around them. Truth be told, he wanted to continue talking, to make it known to the both of them how much it affected and continued to affect him. And how hard it had been to adapt and navigate to an entirely new society and culture by himself. That there were times when he wished he hadn’t been shoved into the role of a guide of American society so his mother didn’t feel so alienated. Instead, Bobby bit the insides of his cheeks and walked away, leaving his parents to talk and the cage his friends found solace in. 

He considered calling his friends, to ask if he could stay the night at the garage but threw that plan out of his head when he realized he had left the house without grabbing his phone…or his wallet and keys-well fuck. The sound of wheels against concrete pulled Bobby out of his internal panic. Seeing the well executed trick play out in front of him made Bobby itch for his camera. Too bad the dude fucked up the landing.

“You okay dude?” The quick hair flip, ruined by the sudden breeze made Bobby cackle, earning a wide grin from the stranger.

“Yeah, thanks man!” There was something infectious about the stranger’s smile and easy going nature. It was as if they were lifelong friends since they’ve exchanged names.

Thanks to Willie, Bobby was able to see a whole other side of Hollywood. The nightlife that went beyond house parties and drinking was more to his favor, not because he could be left to his own devices but because there was something to talk about. There wasn’t a need for a ridiculous amount of alcohol in their system to have a carefree conversation, not when you could join a group of buskers for an impromptu jam session or play hoops with people who barked out orders in different languages.

Exhausted from their rendezvous, Bobby, despite the skepticism, followed Willie into an abandoned building, a hotel of some sort. The two hunted down some beddings from the creepy slash extremely dusty rooms and laid it on the stage.

“So,” Bobby laid on his side, head propped up on his hand, “you’re not gonna ask?”

“Are you willing to talk?”

“No, not really.”

“Then no, dude.”

He hummed in acknowledgment. “Hey Willie?” The two locked eyes, “take me with you the next time you do a repeat of tonight hm?”

“So you wanna come to New York City with me? Caleb can give us a place to stay.”

“Sure, just tell me when.” He surprised even himself at how certain he sounded especially when he barely knew the guy. Though, he doubts that Willie took his answer seriously judging from the way he chuckled.

Eh, a thought for another day. Bobby fell asleep without thinking about his parents, the pressure of acing his exams or the planned confession that could potentially ruin years of friendship and put an end to Sunset Сurve.

Safe to say that the awkward silence between him and his parents couldn’t be avoided, not unless he completely cut himself off from their lives, and that was something he was unwilling to do. After all, no matter what family was everything, it was something his mother had ingrained in him and shaped the kind of person he was today. So he apologized to his mother for raising his voice and left it at that. It wasn’t as if his father’s lack of presence in his life was anything new so their dynamic remained the same. It was thanks to his new friend, Willie, and their buzzing energy that accompanied their explorations that kept Bobby from breaking down due to stress.

It shouldn’t have been difficult, one project shouldn’t have widened the gap in their friendship to such an extent yet it did. Despite sharing classes, he barely had the chance to say anything else but a few hello’s to his friends. Bobby hadn’t realised how alone he felt without them.

“Bobster!” A wild Willie appeared right in front of him. And Bobby had watched the catastrophe unfold in front of him.

Willie had skated towards him only to crash into Alex, pancaking him onto the pavement. And sure, he may not have super vision but even he could tell that Willie and Alex were having a moment.

He only made his way towards the pair when he saw Luke, Reggie and Camilla in the distance.

“Who’s this?” Luke jumped on Alex’s back, almost causing the blond to fall over the second time.

“Willie-hey, Bobster!”

His friends creepily turned to him in sync, mouthing Bobster . “A friend of mine.”

——————————————

His time with the band declined even more now that they began to focus on their music project. Bobby spent more time at school or wandering the streets of L.A. with Willie than he did at home. If he could, he wouldn’t think twice about sleeping someplace else, somewhere that could fill the suffocating silence and lack of warmth that the house provided.

Bobby thunk his head against the fret of his guitar, groaning in annoyance. He was having thoughts about confessing to Reggie. Why did he think it was a good idea anyway? It wasn’t. Because while Bobby was certain that he could accept the rejection, Reggie was different. The bassist would end up being conscious of everything that involved them…or worse, break up with Camilla because he’d be afraid. Of what? Of Bobby being hurt whenever Camilla was in the picture. Sure, the good what ifs were there but the alternative outcome seemed graver. They were each other’s safe space, was he really ready to put that on the line? Because it didn’t matter that he wasn’t expecting anything, Reggie knowing was all it took to jeopardise everything.

He was no longer as determined as before.

——————————————

Sunset Curve…no longer existed, hadn’t for some time. Bobby tried not to appear bothered by the questioning looks and curious murmurs of their classmates. The space he once occupied in their little band was currently replaced by a speaker.

“Hi! We’re Julie and the Phantoms!”

Reggie gently shoved Luke aside, winking at Camilla “tell your friends!”

“Minus Julie cause this is our class project,” Alex piped up.

The drummer caught Bobby’s gaze and gave him a small smile. With closed eyes, Bobby absorbed the new sound his best friends had produced but found something lacking. Julie was missing, her voice and her keyboard had become a necessary part of their sound that it just didn’t sound the same.

Bobby wondered if they had made another version with her in it. The last group from Group A bowed as the class whistled and clapped. Six more sets before it was his turn. He should’ve come up with a stage name so he didn’t end up being the last performance.

Camilla had opted not to play the piano and chose a harp for her project instead. It started off calm, a tune that wouldn’t feel so out of place in Tolkien’s world until it shifted. It became less refined, a little messy if he was being honest but it worked. The cheery smile and the little taps her feet made told Bobby that perfection wasn’t in her mind.

As the melody went on, the more nervous Bobby felt and the love struck look on Reggie’s face told him why.

Bobby concentrated on their interaction after her performance.

“You turned it into a full melody! Best surprise ever!”

Right. How stupid of him. He almost forgot that he wasn’t on the starting line with Camilla when it came to Reggie.

“15 minutes break before our last three performances! I want you all back here by 2:45!”

Students scrambled out of their seats and out of the classroom with a groan. Some were thankful to be able to stretch their legs, others ran off for snacks or to the toilets. Bobby on the other hand slumped down on his chair, rubbing his temples.

“Bee?” Reggie crouched down in front of him. “Are you nervous?”

Bobby nodded, but he knew it was less about the performance and more about Reggie finally knowing.

“Reg?”

He held onto the bassist’s hands, taking a few deep breaths before raising his head. “I love you.”

There was no point agonizing about how to confess when he could be upfront. After all, it was a feeling he had made sure was true and not a passing crush. The word ‘love’ was heavy, something he never really heard or said out loud. Even Reggie, as oblivious as he could be, had not mistaken his confession as something platonic.

Reggie fell on his ass, and shot up to feet in mild panic. “I have to go!” He raked his trembling hand through his hair, uncaring about the way it messed up his hairstyle.

Out of desperation, Bobby grabbed hold of Reggie’s wrist before he disappeared from his sight. His hand was smacked away.

“We’re friends, Bobby.”

“I know.”

“I’m dating Camilla”, he paced back and forth, “I thought you liked her…”

What? Bobby denied the whole thing, confused as to how Reggie had come to that conclusion. “There’s no way.”

“We’re friends,” he repeated, “best friends…you can’t. This isn’t how-I-I can’t,” Reggie gestured to the nothingness between them. “You can’t…”

The desperate insistence in Reggie’s voice made his jaw clenched because wasn’t this what he feared? Not the rejection from the bassist but the fact that he’d thrown their friendship as the reason why this shouldn’t have occurred in the first place. It made his heart ache but he gets it because the transition wouldn’t be similar to Luke and Alex’s. Friendship had come after their relationship, it was a smoother change than being friends to potential lovers so Bobby didn’t hold it against him despite how much it hurt.

“I know,” despite the brave face Bobby couldn’t keep his voice from breaking.

Everything that happened between Reggie reluctantly leaving, and Bobby tuning his acoustic guitar washed over him in static.

“Bobby?” His head snapped up, “are you ready?”

He thickly swallowed and nodded. With a quick glance at Reggie, Bobby rolled his soldiers back.

“I’ve chosen the subject of love and the negativities it brings to one’s self,” silence greeted him. He suspected just as much seeing as he never showed interest in romance or dating in general.

“It’s a topic I believed would have challenged me the most and one I’m experienced with.” Bobby’s lips twitched into a nervous smile. It wasn’t his first time singing in front of a crowd but it was the first time he’d be singing solo.

Dawn has come within our cradle

I pray you never fade

Dawn has come within our cradle

I love you, my ethereal

Our eyes must have known each other

long before they've met

How did you slowly

Captivate my heart?

He really tried not to keep his gaze on Reggie but judging at Luke’s bulging eyes, and Alex’s failing encouragement meant he hadn’t done a very good job of it.

Kay tagal ko nang nag-iisa

Andiyan ka lang pala

Ethereal love

Pipiliin ka sa araw-araw

Ethereal love

Ang nadarama sa 'yo'y malinaw

With the improvised transition, Bobby went straight into the second song. This time he kept his attention outside the window.

I still have a lot I want to say

But I won't for now

I'll just wait for the wind

To sweep away my words-

Why is it always like this?

Why do we need to feel awkward?

I am getting confused

But like always, his gaze naturally-instinctively moved to find Reggie.

When I reveal my feelings

I hope your opinion of me won't change

When I confess my secrets

I hope your opinion of me won't change

Subukan ang manalangin

Sana ‘di magbago ang pagtingin

Baka bukas, ika'y akin

Sana ‘di magbago ang pagtingin

The last song came out softer, more of conversation since his voice lagged behind the melody. Bobby continued anyway, wanting to put an end on his performance and give himself the time to take in the hurt he had put in Reggie’s eyes.

How fast it started

Was just as swift as how it ended

Can we go back to the beginning

So that my lone heart could stop hoping?

I'm sorry

For these imaginations of mine

I was probably just carried away by my love for you

I'm finally going to wake up

From this dream of mine

And, I'll finally leave you alone

(Leave you)

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Was it obvious to the bassist that he regretted confessing? That he hadn’t meant it to hurt him? That he didn’t expect anything to happen and just wanted Reg to know? Ha. It didn’t matter anymore. He messed it up, put a strain on their relationship just as he had done with his parents. I’m sorry.

Go with the flow written by fate

Sometimes, they're for you

But sometimes, they give you false hope

I'll run away

I'll forget about everything

Bobby ducked his head and headed back to his seat, barely listening to the feedback the instructor was giving him.

Alex intercepted Luke from crowding Bobby to which he was grateful for. It gave him the chance to smooth things over before it got worse.

“You look like shit, Reg”, he lowly chuckled as shorter one frowned.

Bobby sighed when his best friend chose to remain silent. “Reg?” The moment he looked up Bobby extended his arms out, “come here?”

The questioning tone prompted Reggie to move into his arms, deflating as they clung onto each other.

“Are you crying?” He tried to lean back but Reggie tightened his grip around him.

“No.”

“Don’t cry, Reg.”

“I’m not.”

Bobby gave in and buried his face against Reggie’s shoulder, finding comfort at the familiar scent of his cologne and leather jacket…aching neck be damned.

“We’ll be okay,” he repeated it twice, one to reassure the person in his arms and the other to convince himself. “Like you said, we’re friends.”

“…Cam is waiting for me outside.” Reggie finally pulled back but refused to let go. “We’re going to that milkshake place by the arcade…”

“Okay?” He held back a smile, feigning confusion at what Reggie was getting at.

“Come with me-us! It’s been a while since we hanged out and you’re the only one good enough to play space invaders with.”

Cute . He mentally shook his head and patted Reggie’s shoulder and stepped back. “I’ll meet you guys there?”

“Oh.”

“I promise, I’ll be there.” He scratched his cheek, “do you mind if I bring Willie with me? They’ve been curious about Alex.”

Playing Cupid was the best he could do, something he could focus on instead of this heavy, dull thing that now permanently resided inside of him.