Archive of Our Own ^beta

hey.

i don't really plan on letting you see this. not until it becomes drastic, at least. i'm trying to keep up this voice journal in case something bad happens, in case somehow we... we don't make it out of here.

i want to say we'll be fine. but honestly will? i'm not sure. i've never been sure.

i'm sorry. i wish i could be more help to you. i know you mean well, my love, and i know you believe in me. but sometimes it feels like i can't help you in the ways that you need me to help you.

i'm sorry.

you're sleeping on damasen's bed right now. there's a cute little crinkle between your eyebrows, and your eyes are closed. you're sleeping so peacefully, my love. you deserve it after the long day we've had.

are you dreaming? what are you dreaming of, will? hopefully it's of a place far away from here. maybe i'm in it. maybe we're back at camp.

maybe it's a memory. do you know what my favorite memory of us is, will? it's that night at the campfire just a few weeks ago. no one else was there. it was just you and me under the black sky, our faces flickering in the firelight.

we kissed that night. our first kiss. do you know how much i cried in bed that night? they were good tears, though, i promise. such good tears.

i wasn't able to put into words how kissing you felt like. but now that it's been a while, i think i know. i want to tell you what it felt like. you know what it felt like? kissing you felt like freedom. kissing you felt like safety. kissing you felt like i owned the universe.

like we owned the universe.

maybe, if we make it out of here, i'd love to own the universe with you.

[soft laughter] i think it's so funny that you still get to look so beautiful, even now. bob and damasen have started up a fire, and it's blooming softly in the room.

you're so beautiful in the firelight. it's like the light just... ignites something in you. i'm in love with your beauty. your hair gleams like gold. your skin, despite how bruised and battered it is... it's still glowing gently, almost as warm as the fire. i know your eyes are closed, but i wish you would open them right now... do you know how beautiful your blue eyes look in firelight? the fire bursts in them, gives them an orange hue.

you look ethereal.

will, i really don't get it. you've been beaten, bruised, and battered across tartarus. but somehow you're still bursting with beauty in this godforsaken place. how do you do it?

you know what you are? you're a summer day in july, warm and nostalgic. you're the scent of juicy oranges, the tangy taste of citrus against my tongue. you're the gentle touch of a warm summer's breeze.

you're the sun, will. that's the best way to describe you. you're the sun i wake up to every morning, the sun i watch go down in the evening, the sun i lay in when the world around me is crashing down. you're the golden warmth across my skin as i lay in the strawberry fields at camp; you're the hot, searing light of a humid day. you're a ball of violent energy. you're my raging light.

you're my sunshine boy.

i hope that after we get through this - that is, if we get through this - you keep shining.

[heavy sighing] i... i'm scared, will. usually i'm sure of things. but i'm not sure right now. i wish i could be sure.

i know that we've never said the 'L' word to each other. we're still young; we've only dated for a few months. but percy told me once that you just feel it in your heart. and i think i do feel it in my heart.

i'm not sure we'll make it through. if we don't, then i just want you to know... i love you, will. you don't need to say it back; i don't want to make you say anything you're not ready for. but just know that i do. just know that i'm here for you.

[shaky sighing] [muffled sniffling] don't let me go, will. please. don't let me go, and i won't let you go.

promise we'll ride or die together. promise we'll walk hand in hand out of this hell.

promise we won't let each other die here.

[stifled sob] [silence]

i love you.

[click]

[click]

will... i- i'm sorry.

i didn't expect to meet eros down here. i didn't expect to lash out him like that. i didn't expect any of this.

god, will, i... i just don't know what to say to you. usually you're the person i come to when things are crumbling to pieces around me. you're always supportive, and you always know the right things to say. with you, i always feel some semblance of control.

but after what happened today... i can't help but to feel like you're the reason i'm breaking apart.

if there's anything i want you to know, it's that this needed to happen. i've held anger out against him for too long. i know grudges are supposed to be my 'fatal flaw' or whatever, but... god, you have no idea how long i've been keeping that in.

i needed to hurt him. i needed my revenge.

and i won't lie to you, will... it felt really good. i felt like... i felt like i was getting the justice i deserved. eros ruined me, so i inflicted whatever pain i could on him.

[angrily] and it felt good, okay? it felt really good. and it hurts to say that - it really does - but it's true. i've never felt more in control of myself.

but i saw you, will. i saw the way you looked at me. your crystal blue eyes... they turned into shards of glass. like i broke them. like i broke you.

you looked like you'd just met a creature of the dark.

and maybe you have.

will, do you remember what i told you before we came down here? i told you - no, i promised you - that tartarus was filled with only the worst that you could imagine. i told you there was no mercy down here. i told you this place was made of the darkest, most dangerous creations of the world. i told you this place was crawling with evil. i told you there were monsters.

what i failed to tell you was that sometimes the monsters are ourselves.

this place... it does things to you, will. this was why i was so nervous to bring you. tartarus whispers only lies into your ears at night; it's choked with evil and torture.

tartarus turns you into someone you don't even know you can be.

[angrily] have you seen me yet, will? have you seen me for the monster that i am? have i scared you yet?

[painful sob]

will, please, don't leave me like this. you were one of the only people who never saw me as some freak. you saw me for my beauty, for the kindness i could give. when you look at me... please, will, just look at me like i'm the person you fell in love with. look at me past the fear, past the anger, past this- this monster in me.

[empty laughter] look at me. i'm begging you to look past the anger you saw earlier from me, but i'm being hypocritical. because it's like i said: tartarus brings the worst out of us.

so what does that make you, will? who are you when you're your most unhinged? who are you when the world is crashing down? who are you when the anger seeps into your pores, when evil trickles through your veins, when darkness overwhelms your light?

who will you become?

i want to say that i won't be afraid of you. but there's no telling, is there?

...

[desperate whispering] i'm begging you, my love. i'm not sure who i am here. i'm someone else entirely.

i just want you to remember me for who i was before we came here. because as we stumble further into this godforsaken place, i'm not sure even i will remember.

but it's unfair of me to make you do that. because i'm not sure if i will even remember you as the golden sun i knew you as.

[rustling]

[sniffling]

stay with me, will, until we make it out. stay with me so that i know i'm not the only one going insane. and i'll squeeze your hand, i'll touch your curls, i'll brush the tears off your cheek to tell you that you're not the only one losing your sanity either. i'll tell you that we're both drowning under the chaos, and it won't matter if we make it out together or not.

as long as we're going down together.

[click]

[click]

i had no idea. i had no idea you had been holding this kind of power in you, will.

i didn't know you could be capable of something so... so dangerous.

y- you can control plagues. you have the ability to drive someone into sickness. how did you do that? you shoved that dracaena into the ground just with a simple movement of your paled fingers. she went down with the bubonic plague. god, will, how did you do that?

i have never seen this side of you.

did you even know you had these powers? did you know you carried the weight of deadly plagues in your mere fingers?

[shaky sighing]

i just... i can't get the image of you out of my head, will.

do you remember how i called you the sun? i said you were the warmth i look to when i was shivering in the freezing cold. i said you were the light i turned to when the darkness was consuming.

but will... when you used those powers... you weren't my light. you were something else entirely, something powerful and dangerous and... and someone i didn't know.

oh, god, now that i'm thinking about it... is this what you felt when we met eros, will? did you have this same heart-stopping fear watching me let my rage take control of me? were you scared that i was becoming someone entirely new?

[silence]

i don't know if you know what you looked like. just trying to remember makes my skin crawl with the dreadful grip of evil.

i could barely recognize you. your golden skin... it turned into this sickly green color, like mucus. your curls weren't gleaming anymore, will. they dangled over your forehead like damp, dead limbs; they crawled across your pale forehead and tried to reach for your eyes.

and, god, your eyes. they weren't sky blue anymore. they weren't warm anymore. no, actually, they gleamed like icicles. they swirled with evil. when i looked into them, will, all i saw was anger, rage, revenge. you wanted to give that dracaena pain. you wanted her to suffer like you've suffered.

at that moment, will, you weren't my sunshine boy. i didn't know who you were.

[empty laughter] i warned you of this. tartarus does things to us. it makes us people we never knew we could be.

i think there's some evil that resides in all of us, will. no one is truly ever good. and you know what tartarus does to that evil? it churns it, simmers it, boils it, until that evil begins to branch off from some deep, hidden part of us and trickles into the hidden corners of our souls. tartarus invites the chaos.

[heavy sighing] will, i said i would try not to be scared of you. i said i would remember you as you were, no matter how much this place corrupted you.

but i'm scared of how this place will change you. i'm scared of how it will change us.

i'm not scared of you now. i will never be scared of you, my love. because i know that underneath all your bruises, your scars, beneath your cold fear and hot anger, there's a blooming brightness in there. i know that tartarus makes us the worst versions of ourselves.

and these plague powers... as intense as they can be, i don't see them as evil. perhaps your father blessed you, will, with something you could use against those who have wronged you. i think there's something magnificent about the power if you can learn to expand on it.

but i'm scared of where these powers come from. because if you've only discovered them now, while we're in a place of torture and misery... what does that mean for you, will? what does that mean about your powers?

if you've only discovered them now... what if they've only stemmed from some place down here? what if they're not from your father after all?

what if this place is igniting something dark in you, will?

[silence]

[desperate whispering] what if this place takes your beautiful light away from you? what if you emerge from here as a new monster instead?

...

i'm scared, will. i'm sorry i can't be of more help.

i'm sorry i can't be what you need from me right now.

[click]

it's pulling us apart. i can feel it. i know we're still here together, and i know we're holding hands right now - you asked me to before you fell asleep - but i've never felt farther from you.

[shaky sighing] i'm so scared, will.

we're so battered. you're burning with a fever and neither of us can hold anything down. i'm so utterly exhausted.

and the fact that we aren't even seeing the same version of tartarus... i told you that as a child of hades i'd see it for its true terrors; i told you that you would see a little more watered down version.

but your face, will... if there's anything that i know we can see the same, it's the fear on each of our faces. and you... you're shattered. you're cracking, breaking into your bare molecules. i can't see the brightness behind your eyes anymore.

i no longer see my beloved sun. i only see the broken universe in you, and i hate it.

[sniffling] i'm sorry i ever brought you here. i... i... i don't know. i'm just so sorry, will. i feel like i'm the one who's breaking you, and i hate that i feel like that, and i hate this, and i hate that we have to go through this, and i just want to be back at camp with you, safe in your arms, singing stupid campfire songs and sticking marshmallows on each other's faces and kissing under the moonlight and falling in love and i'm tired of the monsters i'm tired of this darkness i'm tired of the heat AND GOD WILL I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE I WANT TO LIVE AND IF I DON'T LIVE THEN I JUST WANT TO DIE.

[muffled sob]

[silence]

maybe this isn't what you want to hear. and i feel guilty saying it. but i want to be honest with you.

if i die, and you live, i would love that. truly, i would.

but if i die... will, don't take this the wrong way, but i just... i want you to come down to the underworld with me.

i know that sounds terrible. guilt stings my arms just saying those words. but is it so selfish to think that maybe - just maybe - we could create a life in death together?

[shuffling]

i asked you to promise me we'd get out of here a while ago, will. but at this point, i don't even care if we get out. i'm giving up. if we get out, we get out. i'd love if we do. but i'm tired of holding out hope anymore.

[rustling] [stifled gasp]

[will: nico? why are you awake?]

[nico: it's nothing. just... just thought i heard something.]

[will: do you want me to stay awake with you?]

[nico: no! you need the rest, my love. your fever's getting worse. i'll stay guard.]

[rustling]

[silence]

[whispering] you're asleep again. i think. i should probably sleep, too, but i'm buzzing with a fearsome energy.

you're holding on to me. i'm watching you. you're glorious, will.

i just want to lay in your arms. your chest is rising with each soft breath you take, and you look so magnificent, even if you aren't glowing with that ethereal beauty i'm so used to.

i wonder if i'll ever get to see that beauty again.

before i sleep... i just need you to know how much i care for you. i need you to know that in life or in death, i love you.

maybe you're not my sun anymore. maybe this place has permanently extinguished that light in you. but to me, will, you will always shine. you will always be the brightness i turn to when shadows crawl over me. you will always be my solace in the calamity.

and to you, my love, i hope to be your comforting darkness when the light is too much. i hope i can be the cool night after a raging summer day.

i just hope i can be the angel that leads you to the afterlife.

[click]

[click]

i've said this too many times to count. but i'm sorry. i'm sorry for ever bringing you here.

it's only been a little while since my last recording, but i need something to keep me going.

you're dying, will. i can feel you slipping away. this fever isn't sorting itself out, and i'm scared.

you're dimming. the gold from your skin is seeping out of you, sizzling and steaming over the hot surface of tartarus, and you're left lying like a pale corpse. your hair is leached of all it's color; it's graying out, just like mine, and your eyes are losing their lustrous blue. they're not sapphire anymore; they're as plain and gray as clouds before rain.

you don't remind me of summer anymore, will. instead, you remind me of the freezing torture of a hail storm.

your soul is trying to detach itself from your body. it's dangling from a bare string.

[stifled sob] i don't know what do anymore. i don't know how to fix this. how did you ever deal with so many sick campers? how did you bring them back to life?

i don't want to see you go, will. i don't want to be responsible. i can't lose you.

we're in each other's arms right now. i'm running your fingers through your hair in the hopes that maybe it'll keep you grounded here, that maybe it'll give some semblance of comfort while you're trying to battle that fire in you.

your curls aren't soft. they're damp with sweat and coarse from your raging fever, but even then i can't stop pulling my fingers through it. it reminds me of that night at camp - we were lying under the stars on the beach. you were having a bad day, and you asked me to touch your hair because it helps you calm down. you were lying in my arms that night, too. the moonlight illuminated your face, glimmered in your eyes, and the only thought in my head was: i want this to last forever.

i want you to be my forever.

please, will, promise me that we can have more nights like that. i want to be in your arms for a long time. don't let yourself go yet.

i know you can hear me. you're lost in the darkness, but i know my voice is swimming somewhere in your mind. i hope it's giving you some comfort in your suffering.

do you know what your soul looks like, my love? it's a bright ball of yellow energy. it's the soft glow of firelight in a dark room. it's the comfort of a blanket during a chilly winter's light.

but your light is dimming. your soul is getting smaller and smaller. it's flickering on and off, trying it's best to continue glowing while the darkness is pouring in.

you're getting warmer, will. i don't know how you can fix it. we don't have medicine. we don't have anything to make you better. you're probably well over 103 degrees.

i told you that you were the sun. the sun is supposed to be warm and inviting. but you're hot, will. you're burning. and your touch is no longer comforting; i just want to step away each time i'm close to you.

you don't feel like comfort to me anymore. you only remind me of my failures.

the guilt is weighing on me. it's because of me that you're here. it's because of me that you're sick and dying in my arms. IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF ME.

[shaky whispering] and i'm sorry, will. i'm so sorry for all of this.

keep fighting, my love. fight for me, for your siblings, for your mom. fight for the camp.

just keep fighting against it. don't let this place rob you of your vitality.

don't let it take my light away.

[click]

now you're passed out on the ground. i've called your name more times than i can count, but you aren't responding. you're silent, will. you're nothing more than a whisper in the overwhelming loudness.

you're not dead yet, though. that much i know for sure. your chest is rising softly with each shallow breath you take; your eyes are still moving.

but you're slipping away from me.

this won't come as a comfort to you, but your soul is barely existing anymore. it's flickering dimly, trying its best to fight the darkness in your body, but it's weak. it's giving up. you're giving up.

i know you can feel me, though. i know you're here, conscious of the fact that i'm right beside you, even in death.

[silence]

[whispering] i'm dying too. i didn't tell you this, but i am. my own soul is crumpling in on itself, taking the light away from my being, and i'm succumbing to the darkness. i can feel my physical body disintegrating with the world around us. it's a strange feeling, really; it feels like sand flitting through the gaps of my fingers. i'm spilling out of myself and nothing can contain me anymore. my body is breaking apart, cracking to pieces, and i feel like glass shards, will. i can't keep myself together.

i'm dying from fever; i'm dying from fear; i'm dying because i'm sick, nauseous, hungry. my body is failing me. i'm failing me.

and i'm failing you too.

insanity is taking control again. the monsters' faces are getting wilder. the darkness is sapping my very essence from me. i don't... i don't know what's real anymore. is that face above your head really there? or is it just a hallucination?

i'm losing it. i've lost it.

there is no saving us anymore.

[desparate whispering] your hand, will. have i ever told you how much i love it? it's a beautiful golden color, like bronze melted into human skin. it's rough and calloused, engraved with various cuts and bruises. i'm running my fingers over every single deformity on them. i'm running my touch over your imperfections, because your imperfections are the only thing letting me know that you're not perfect. your scars tell me that i'm not alone here.

i know you're dying, will, but i just want to tell you how beautiful you are. despite the pale tinge to your skin, despite your sunken, pale eyes and dried blood and oozing gashes, you're glowing with a beautiful light. you're giving up any and all beauty that you can even when the world is bringing you down.

i wish i could do that.

if anything, my love, i'm glad that i'm with you right now. your arm is around my waist; your touch is warm against my skin. my fingers linger over your mouth, your nose, your constellation of freckles. i need to feel you one last time.

you're a universe, will. you're expansive and complicated, vast and beautiful.

i haven't been able to explore all of you in this life, but i hope we meet again in another so that i really can.

there is no moonlight here. there is no sun. there is nothing here but misery, torture, pain. but as i'm lying here with you, as my body disintegrates with yours, mingles with your ashes, i can only imagine that night we laid under the stars on the beach, when we were entangled in only each other's warmth and comfort, in each other's love and touch, and that was all we needed. we were alive at that moment, will, more alive than we've ever been. i'd never seen things in so much color.

you made the living world a brighter place. i hope i can make the afterlife a brighter place for you.

[silence]

[softly speaking] open your eyes, will. one more time. do you see that light? or is it just me?

please tell me it's not just me. please tell me i'm not alone.

[shuffling] will. wake up.

[broken sob] don't leave without me. DON'T LEAVE ME HERE.

[click]

i don't remember much of what happened after we were saved. i remember falling to the ground when we reached my father's palace. the contact awoke me; the coldness of the floor struck my spine and i sat up in shock. my hand groped around, wondering where you were, only to find you a few inches away, groaning and holding your head.

and i sobbed in relief. i called your name so many times before we came back to the palace, but you couldn't give me a single sign that you heard me. i thought... i really thought i was going to lose you.

i was just glad you were finally awake.

i gripped your hand, brushing my touch over your bruises, your cuts, your pain. i needed to tell you i was there, that i was next to you. i wanted to assure you that i hadn't left you.

then i fell unconscious again. but i'm not sure you remember any of that.

someone must have moved us from there, because then i awoke in my palace bedroom. you were right beside me, and i can't even begin to tell you how much relief i felt seeing you there. your body was comfortably warm against mine, and your citrus scent only reminded me of home.

you were safe and alive. that's all that mattered.

[shaky sigh]

[silence]

you're still sleeping. you look so peaceful, will. you're so out of touch with the realities around you. you look like how i knew you before we came down here.

i think that from now on, my favorite thing to do will be to watch you sleep. because i know that once we leave my father's palace, every waking moment of your day, you will only be a reflection of your fears. only in sleep will you get your reprieve from the chaos, and even that isn't a promise; it's only an unlikely possibility.

[silence]

i felt you cry next to me, will. i wasn't entirely conscious, but i felt you shift. you were breathing hard when you first woke up, like you weren't sure where you were. your arm gripped for mine, and my shoulder burst with pain when your nails dug into my skin. but you exhaled, so despite the pain, i exhaled too. because you found me. you came back to me.

and then you started crying. you lied back down and your hand trailed down to my wrist and you clutched it tight as all your pain, all your exhaustion, all your sadness overwhelmed you and burst through a dam in your chest. you leaned your head into my neck, pushed your skin against mine, and that's when you broke. first it was the earthquake of your body against mine, and then it was the salty tears of exhaustion and desperation that tingled and sparked against my neck.

you cried for hours, will. hours. you cried until our bed overflowed with your misery, until you choked on your own torture, until we were both drowning in your pain.

and you fell asleep again, if only to get refuge from the new reality around you.

you're still holding my hand. you're holding onto me like you're afraid i'll leave.

but i won't leave. not right now. i promise.

things are going to change a lot for you. they're going to change for me, too. after tartarus... reality mixes with the unreal. you won't understand the difference between truth and lies, the difference between real and unreal. it all becomes a blur.

that's what happened to me, at least. and i thought... i thought i was finally beginning to understand the difference before we left for tartarus. then i came back down here, and suddenly all my efforts, all my hard work for myself... they vanished away. and now i'm shivering in the confusion.

[shaky sigh]

we've lost ourselves, will. will we ever find each other again?

[silence]

[click]

there's a beautiful sunset across the new york skyline. the orange and gold and pink are all melting together, cascading in waves across the sky. it's bright and warm, comforting and cozy. it's everything tartarus isn't.

it's breath-taking, will. but after the terrors we've seen... how can i really admire it when i know that behind this beauty, the world hides its true evil?

[silence]

[soft laughter]

you're really cute when you're sleeping. you're leaning against me right now, with your arms warm around my waist and your face buried against my shoulder. your hoodie obscures your face from my view, but even then i know your nose is twitching in that weird way it does when you're sleeping. i can feel it against the back of my neck.

i wish you could see how beautiful you look right now. since we've come back to the sunlight, it's like your body is completely absorbing every light particle that comes across your path. your curls gleam with gold, and your skin is blooming with warmth again. your freckles haven't been this bright since we were in tartarus.

you look alive again.

but i know you're not truly alive, will. not completely.

your eyes betray your fears. despite the fact that you're beginning to grow into yourself again, i still see that crack in you. you're a china vase, and tartarus threw you to the ground. now a large crevice has grown upon your soul and the corners of your sanity are chipped.

you're almost shattered, will. and i don't know if you can ever be mended, no matter how much glue we use.

i'm not sure if you can feel it in your slumber, but i'm brushing my hand over yours. just to let you know that even when you're in the darkness, i'm here for you.

[silence]

i can see the camp from here. we're almost home, will. we've almost made it.

but we haven't made it, not really. we haven't succeeded. because to succeed, don't you need to find yourself? don't you need to understand some bigger meaning?

i haven't found some bigger meaning. and i haven't found myself.

i've only lost what little bit i did have. i thought... i really thought i was getting some grip of my life again before we left. but that grip was too weak, and i let those particles of myself slip away the moment i faced the first monster down there.

now i don't know who i am anymore.

was i ever anyone?

[click]

thanks for not leaving me, nico. not only then, but now, too. thanks for being by my side all these years.

i decided to listen to this when i found it again. i was missing you. i know it's stupid, since i only just saw you a week ago, but... i miss hearing your voice. i haven't had the time to iris message you and i miss having you next to me. when i found this in the box, i was so relieved to still have a piece of you with me.

but i think it was a mistake to listen to this again. i haven't been able to move from my bed in hours. i haven't been able to go out, to meet people, to do anything.

i just keep thinking about tartarus. about everything we went through down there.

i wanted to hear your voice again. but your voice in these recordings... it's haunting.

you sound like an empty room. your voice only echoes in the darkness and solitude, where no one can hear you, no one can reach you, no one can understand you. you're left alone and you can't get help from anyone.

you don't sound like you. but i suppose that you weren't you back then. not really.

you were scared and tired. you were done with everything around you. you only wanted the best for us, but you thought you'd fucked it all up.

[shaky laughter] but you didn't fuck it all up for us, nico. we made it out alive. we made it out in one piece.

but i guess... i guess we didn't really make it out in one piece. we cracked ourselves in half going through tartarus. we turned to sand and slipped through our very fingers. a part of us may always reside in tartarus. i guess there's not much changing that.

[silence]

i can't stop thinking about the way you sounded in these voice recordings. you blamed yourself for all that we were going through. you blamed yourself for my pain. you blamed yourself for your own pain. you blamed yourself for all of it.

i know we've already had this conversation, but i just want you to know that everything i've told you before is still true to this day.

you don't need to blame yourself anymore, nico. i chose to go down there with you. i chose to go get myself hurt. i chose to do all of those things that i promised i would do with you.

i know how it feels to blame yourself for the pain that others experience around you. you felt like you were responsible for all that we faced. you felt that everything the two of us went through down there was your fault.

...

i never told you this, but... i know how you felt. there were so many times that i thought... i thought it was my fault that something happened down there.

you got slashed by a monster once in tartarus, and i wasn't able to figure out how to stop the poison. i still remember the way you cried out in pain every time i touched you. and when i heard you, i felt like i was the one who was hurting you. so i blamed myself for not being able to reach you when that happened.

i saw the way you looked at me when i used my plague powers for the first time. i saw the way your fears contaminated you, spread through your chest, illuminated your eyes. you were scared of me.

and i blamed myself for making you afraid of me.

you know what i've discovered through all of this, though? i guess we're more alike than we thought we were. we blamed ourselves for what we went through because we couldn't stand the thought of letting the other go. we blamed ourselves for issues out of our control.

even to this day, i- i wish there was more i could have done for you. if i had known you felt that way about our situation, i wish i could have told you not to worry. because i never blamed you for a second.

i chose all of that. i chose those risks, that pain, those scars because i wanted to.

i know human emotions and reactions are all subjective. i know i can't quell your worries with a simple command. but i just want you to know... none of it was your fault. and it took me time to realize it wasn't mine, either. it was neither of our fault.

so please don't blame yourself anymore. i know we've moved on from tartarus, from that dark part of our past, but i still see the way your eyes darken around me. i know some part of you feels guilty.

i can't control how you feel. but i hope it gives you assurance that i don't blame you for any of it.

i told you so long ago that i would ride or die with you. and even to this day, that holds true.

i'm ready to ride or die with you any time. as long as we're together.

[silence]

and i love you. don't forget that, no matter how far apart we are.

[click]