Chapter Text
Jack is five years old since yesterday. They lived a year and six months without the presence of Chuck or any major threat, some misfortunes appeared along the way, changes and disagreements with the members of that community most impacted by Amara's work, but no apocalypse threatened them or seemed to draw on the horizon.
While Sam and Eileen still live in Lebanon, Cas and Dean moved to another part of Kansas, not so far away, but they have a more reserved place for themselves. The Bunker continues to operate as the headquarters for meetings of ex-hunters, ex-monsters and people in general who have had contact with the supernatural in the past and want to be heard without being labeled as crazy. It is a safe place and it is a legacy from the memory of many others who could not be there.
Jack divides his time between the houses of Dean and Sam, and helps when he can with the cases that appear. Every now and then, he meets Amara. She has finished rebuilding most of the worlds and she travels between them discovering new things, people and beings that sometimes exist in different versions, but sometimes they are unique. Amara has also accumulated the stories she hears in every place, in every language, and everything is still a trickle of water in an immense, if not infinite, ocean... In some moments, Jack finds himself worrying about her, if his great-aunt is happy or if all that power still echoes in a loneliness inside her. However, when he visits Amara, he hears her delight and reflections on those experiences, so Jack concludes that he will never be able to predict what Amara's future is, or who she may still become, but that he has no fear of not being able to control her. As much as she has some awareness of the whole, she seems to be discovering what is going to happen, as much as any of them, because that is how she chose to exist.
Today Jack is more immersed in thoughts than he would like. He feels that the world has become a safer place, at least by previous supernatural standards, which is certainly a good thing… But it gave him more free time, without so many worries or threats, and Jack realizes that his own body has not experienced this kind of sensation until now, little by little he feels these moments when it seems that something is missing.
Yesterday, when he blew out the candles and made a wish, he was surrounded by his parents, Dean, Cas and Sam, as well as Eileen and little Maura, and what did Jack ask for? He doesn't know for sure. He looked at his family one by one, and when he saw Maura Leahy-Winchester, the 9-month-old baby, Jack missed something he couldn’t live: being welcomed into this world without fear for himself before he even breathed the air that sustains the life he started.
"Hey, kiddo, I know it doesn't look so tasty, but it sure is the best thing Cas has ever cooked." Dean's voice pulls Jack out of the spiral of thoughts he was in.
"What?" Jack just turns his face in Dean's direction, tilting his head.
Dean points a fork at Jack's plate.
"You barely touched lunch, you are sighing... Yesterday we had cake, all right." Dean sighs, wishful. "But today he wanted to try alone to make a meal with potatoes, salad and chicken, I guess... I still don't know for sure, but it is an improvement, considering the soups and sandwiches."
Jack finally starts to understand what Dean is talking about, and ends up focusing more than necessary on the plate of food before answering him.
"Ah, I wasn't thinking about it. In fact, I didn't even realize that Cas had finished cooking lunch.”
“Hm…” Dean stops chewing and swallows his food. "And what is going through your head?"
Dean asks with a slight tone of uncertainty, because he never knows if it will be something he can answer, sometimes it's about a movie, a food, and that's okay, or some human behavior, but sometimes Jack brings home the big mysteries of the Universe raised by his conversations with Amara…
"Nothing relevant, I think... Where are Cas and Sam?"
"Well, Sam asked for help with Maura and Cas volunteered... He's been very helpful here." Dean seems to consider this for a second. "Maybe because he never cared for a human baby for more than one night..."
Before Dean finishes speaking, Cas and Sam enter the dining room, whispering. Cas is dressed in a plain black shirt and jeans.After trying to grow his hair and beard, he finally trimmed his beard and cut his hair in the last week, but they are still longer than it used to be when he was an Angel of the Lord.
“Hey, did you barely touch the food? Were you waiting for us?” Castiel asks.
"Sorry, guys, she took a little longer to sleep than usual." Sam speaks with tired shoulders and a slight smile.
"It wasn't that, it's okay." Dean raises his hands. "Maura deserves our full attention, there is no doubt about it... Jack was out of orbit, so to speak."
Cas drags the chair and sits down at the table, followed by Sam, who already puts his worried eyes on the boy.
"Is something wrong, Jack?"
Jack grimaces, wondering internally if there is really something wrong with him or how he should answer that question. The good thing about trying to be honest with others, without keeping big secrets like in the past, is that he doesn't need to have a right answer to be willing to talk.
"I don't know, I think I'm changing."
Dean raises his eyebrows. "What is that supposed to mean?"
"Is it a bad thing, Jack?" Sam asks anxiously.
Castiel, however, tilts his head a little and watches Jack, still in silence. Cas sees his confusion, the gap left by the lack of more concrete answers that did not seem to simply emerge when invoked. Cas puts a hand on Jack's shoulder, and speaks calmly.
"Jack, what are you feeling?"
Jack frowns in doubt once more, then looks at each of his dads.
“When I was born, everything I did to protect myself was instinctive… I… I grew up fast because I couldn't be a helpless baby, my body reacted to that even before I made that decision… But now… I don't know, maybe I’m reacting to this new balance, it’s like I’m asking for something else… ”
"Do you have any idea what this is?"
"I think I want to go back... Go back to what I would like to be, how I feel most of the time... But I'm not sure."
"You mean, going back like 'going back to the shape you should have been,' if you hadn't grown up to look like an adult?" Sam asks.
"Is it possible?" Dean complements that line.
"I really don't know... But... But would that be a bad thing?"
"Jack, you are our son." Cas says in a soft, but firm voice. "This is not going to change, what matters is what is good for you and what you want."
"You know what family means here, so no matter what, you are still our 5 year old child..."
Jack nods and smiles, still with a twinge of uncertainty.
“What if I start to forget things? I don't know, I'm not sure what I would be like too...”
"Certainly shorter." Cas offers a smile. "But, Jack, I don't believe you will stop being you just because you look different ..."
"Cas didn't stop being who he was." Dean points. "Maybe it's like in that movie... Jumanji, the oldest, when adults go back to being children and forget what it was like to be an adult, but they still remember some things... ”
Sam raises an eyebrow.
"Maybe?" Sam speaks after clearing his throat once. "Memory is a complicated thing, you even remembered Cas from when you met him before you were born, even if it wasn't a clear memory, you had enough feelings to understand who he was... There are some studies that talk about memory not only as the ability to remember facts, but as something that is inscribed in our own body and how we react to sounds, smells, images, unearthing reactions and memories that seemed to be forgotten...”
"Sammy..."
Jack is focused on Sam, with his mouth slightly open, as if he wants to ask something, but he seems to change his mind.
"I think I need to try to understand what is going on..."
"When we did research on Nephilim, we never found a case like yours, Jack... I'm afraid it's not something we can find in books." Cas says.
"I think I'm going to try to talk to Amara about it."
"Do you think it's a good idea?" Dean came to terms about trusting Amara's apparent goodwill, and being grateful for apparently everything she tried to resolve in that reality, but still, his background with supernatural gods and cosmic entities always made him raise his guard a little.
"She is my family too." Jack responds without hesitation. "I think she would at least like to hear me."
"Ok, buddy." Dean nods without questioning him again. "And after all, you have no problem finding her."
Before the conversation can go any further, the main door opens and Eileen enters. She had gone out to visit an old hunter friend, a few hours from Lebanon. The two talked about life in general, everything that had changed and current plans. Eileen has been talking more deeply about plans with Sam, although they are still adapting to the new routines. She considered looking for a law school, following in her mother's footsteps, as she once thought…
Of course, they are people officially declared dead, but it’s not like they don’t have ways to circumvent some bureaucratic issues... In addition, there are Universities not so far away in Kansas, operations are still centralized in the Bunker, and Sam has been able to delegate tasks, coordinating work teams with confidence even at a distance. They thought about moving to Lawrence, starting over where the beginning was interrupted, but they haven't made any serious decisions yet. What Eileen knows is that Sam does not see himself leaving the community, for which he feels responsible, helpless in any sense, and at the same time he will seek what is best for the whole family, considering what Eileen and Maura need.
Now she finds the four boys at the dinner table, they turn their heads to look at her, almost synchronously, their expressions a little concerned, with dishes of cold food left on the table. For an instant, she feels an ice rise up her spine, could something bad have happened?. But when she looks directly at Sam his expression softens, and Eileen can breathe easier. Then she turns to look at Dean, and discreetly tries to indicate the plate of food, perhaps Castiel forgot to put salt in the food again? Dean, still looking a little automatic, understands where she pointed to, and shakes his head negatively. That little moment is over when everyone seems to compose themselves.
"Eileen!" They greet her.
"Did something happen?” She signs.
“Not yet, but everything is fine. Maura is sleeping.” Sam responds.
"Maybe we are close to a Benjamin Button case or the reverse side of it, or not..." Dean adds.
"Explain. " She asks.
And then, in the best possible way, they update Eileen about the last conversation they had. Jack knows that of the people and beings he counts as part of his family and who can help him, now he just needs to talk to Amara.
---------------------------------------------
Jack is once again in the Garden, he waits for a while in silence before calling for Amara, however, he doesn't even have to. She appears in front of him with a slight smile on her face.
"Hello, Jack."
“Hi, Amara…”
"Before I forget, happy birthday." She extends her hands and hands him a teddy bear. "I particularly think it's a very humble gift, but I thought you might like it."
“Oh, thank you, Amara! I really liked it. I had a similar one, but Miracle ended up staying with him.”
"Well, I'm glad you liked it." Amara then tilts her head, her gaze examining Jack. "Is there anything else you want to talk about?"
"Hmm, actually, there are some things... You know, I have felt that these changes in my world, the new balance, have affected me in some way."
"What do you mean, Jack?"
"It seems that my thoughts said that I want to change... My body reacted to that, I think..."
"And you have been resisting, right?" Amara guessed. "Why that?"
"I don't know, I think I'm afraid of becoming different."
"And have you talked about this with your fathers?"
"Yes..." Jack sighs. "This week we are spending time at Sam's house, yesterday we talked... But, I suppose as much as I explain what I feel, they can't fully understand me… And maybe you can."
Amara tilts her head again, this time with a more affectionate smile.
"Maybe a little better than them." She holds his hand. “But, Jack, if it's a change you're asking for yourself, I don't think it will make you someone you are not. Remember our first conversation here? You are an exceptional being, you are the duality between the mortal and the immortal incarnate… What does this mean for your existence?”
"I'm not sure... I was never able to grow normally."
“Well, neither do I… And yet, I think that in this incarnation of mine, I ended up going through more stages than you did to get here… And I don't need to grow older. One day, you won't have to either. ”
“What if that day has already arrived? I feel like I missed something…”
“You lived until now full of fears, Jack. You lived the existence of an immortal too soon, with a lot of urgency… But, now that may not be necessary anymore, maybe your mortal existence is asking for something.”
Then Amara looks over Jack's shoulder, nodding her head to something out of his field of vision.
"How do you know…?" Jack is interrupted when he sees the same young girl he met on his first visit to the Garden. "Who is she?"
"Well, let's say she's one of the manifestations of this place... And she reacts to you too, in heavenly and mundane crossroads."
"The first time I was here, I asked if this place could change me... That's when I got my soul back."
"And I replied that it depended, it depended on you..." The girl replies, and then she points to the main tree before disappearing.
Jack and Amara are still a little far from that point, but they can see the big snake sliding through the branches.
"If you go to the snake, it will ask the same question as last time."
"Who are I meant to be..." Jack almost whispers.
“It's your choice, Jack. You know I don't have all the answers, but I'll be here for you.”
Jack nods and smiles, still carrying a bit of insecurity. He starts to move his feet and walk in that direction, this time with less fear than the last, because he knows he won't feel any pain.
-------------------------------------------------------
Castiel is sitting in an armchair in the living room, with the baby monitor by the side. Sam and Dean went out to check on the Bunker, while Eileen finally took the opportunity to take a nap. Castiel stayed to help with Maura, who is also getting a good afternoon sleep, allowing Eileen to rest a little longer.
He takes a mug of coffee to his mouth while flipping through some magazines, when a shadow appears near the entrance to the room. Amara appears, her clothes more colorful than usual, her hair tied back and a few curly locks falling to the side of her face. In her arms, a child of about 5 is bent over, sleeping.
"Amara." Castiel says with a start.
"Good afternoon, Castiel." She greets, with a smile almost amused. “Have you noticed that, except for Jack, none of you say 'hello' to me when I show up? It's always ‘Amara.’ And wide eyes or nothing… ”
"Sorry." Castiel is embarrassed, so clear his throat. “Hello, Amara. Good afternoon."
Castiel looks over the child again and he has no more doubts.
“Jack! He is fine?" His voice was alarmed, but he managed to keep it down trying not to wake anyone up yet.
"He is great!" She says, rubbing his head. “He'll sleep for a few hours and then he'll wake up full of energy. It is better to lay him down on a bed or something.”
Castiel comes over and takes Jack in his arms. He takes him to the room that Jack was already occupying, puts him on the bed, he makes sure the pillows are soft and puts a blanket over Jack, who is grabbing a teddy bear, without letting go of it even in his sleep. Then he returns to the living room and he is a little surprised to see that Amara is still there.
"I didn't expect to see you here."
“I thought it would be impolite to let the boy get here alone. And I wanted to keep him safe.”
"Thank you, Amara." Castiel says sincerely.
She nods, and the two share an uncomfortable silence while standing at a distance from each other. Castiel then ponders that he must do something, trying to be polite.
"Would you like some coffee? Or tea...?” He takes a chance.
"Tea would be great." She responds, with a smile and an almost apparent relief when she lets out a slight sigh.
Castiel doesn't have much idea of how this is happening, but when he realizes it, he is in the living room having tea with Amara.
"Is the tea good?" He asks.
"Yeah..." She takes another sip from her cup. "You look good, Castiel."
"Ah... I believe I have to thank you for that?" He says looking at the ring that almost sparkles on his finger.
"Not so." She says, making a gesture with her hand.
"Amara." Castiel begins, placing his own mug on the table, his voice searching for the right words. "I don't want to be rude to you, but... What is the reason for this?" He then makes a move pointing at her and him. "Shouldn't you be busy fixing the universe, other dimensions and worlds?"
Amara looks up from her cup and stares at Castiel intently with a half smile.
“I told you once, I have all the time in the world… And I've been very busy in the last two years on your calendar, taking care of what was most urgent. I can take time out for myself.”
"I see... And are you here just because of Jack?"
"He's my family too, Castiel." Amara says quietly. Then she laughs. "But I'm also thinking of going to Reno for a while and meeting my masseuse, Kimiko... If you want I can give her number to you, if you ever go to Reno."
Castiel tilts his head and looks genuinely confused by the direction of this conversation. Amara sighs, straightens her posture.
“You, in a way, should be my family too, one of my nephews I think… But I believe that this type of connection alone does not mean much, considering that my closest nephews, the archangels, were the ones who helped ambush me… However, Castiel, I feel that I can read you more easily, you are more transparent to me, reminds me of Jack… And I admit that I still have trust issues, you know, the men I met during my existence, none was completely honest with me, even when I was trying to do what felt like the right thing.”
"I'm afraid I haven't been on your side in the fights we've had either."
“You never really were, but you also never promised me that you would be on my side... You ran with an angelic blade to try to kill me. But even so, it is far from what I consider a betrayal, not like Chuck or Dean…”
Castiel winces when he hears Dean and Chuck being compared in the same sentence, instinctively he grits his teeth and feels his fingers close almost in a fist.
"Do you still have a problem with Dean?" He narrows his eyes.
"No. That was not entirely his fault." She answers without hesitation. "However, it's not like I forgot what happened."
“And what exactly happened, Amara, in your view? Chuck said that you have reached an agreement, and we would not be able to understand.”
Amara stares at Castiel without blinking for a moment, takes another sip of tea and continues.
"I suppose you wouldn't understand at all." She sighs and looks away for a second. “You know, when I tried to convince my brother not to destroy this world, I was being true to my intentions, Castiel. I wanted peace for me and for him... I don't know if peace is the best word, I wanted absence of suffering. I believed that he and I spent an eternity hurting each other, I was condemned to isolation, he was punishing himself for having sealed me, for having removed the only being who would understand him. You know, in different ways, we were both alone and incomplete.”
"But has that changed?"
“It changed when I broke free, when I got to know this place and every person I met, every new and earthly experience… And I became a better version than what he planned for me. I became a better me away from him, but I still was... I am still The Darkness... I just didn't realize that what it means is not how others define me... When I met Dean, it was the first time I felt some kind of peace in a long time. I thought it was just the mark, it was used to curse both of us… However, Dean resisted, I let him go a few times, thinking that in the end he would understand me, that was what it meant to be seen by someone, by someone who would choose me without having to fear me... But, as we know, that is not what happened.”
Amara shook her head a little, as if scolding herself in the past.
"I should apologize for the kidnapping and torture, when Lucifer was possessing you."
"Well, you kicked him out of my body and left me intact... I consider that not too bad."
“Things were so messed up with my brother, so many people ended up getting hurt too… But I didn't want Dean to be swallowed up in pain anymore, I could see how much you guys meant to each other, since that moment he tried to reach you screaming in my presence... And yet, when Chuck told me that he hadn't forged the connection between me and him, I wanted to believe that. I wanted to believe that I had been able to affect a person in the world, someone who saw my true shape, who saw me in my anguish and felt something for me... That I could somehow inspire someone to trust me, maybe that would make me not feel alone. You know, my brother was totally uninspired by humanity, but I think they're amazing… For beings like us, like what you were, Castiel, having a real connection with humans, something sensitive enough to change us, is not an experience common… But, Chuck was lying, again…”
"He said that writers lie." Castiel remembers.
“This sounds like all writers are bad and will betray you… No, writers can use fiction to deal with and transform reality, whatever is affected by a story, stays, for better or for worse… What I mean is that Chuck used a vulnerable spot on me when he said that Dean planned to kill me too, that he lied to me knowing that I would end up hurt, because I wanted to believe that at least one person in this world cared enough about me, even me being the Darkness. And Chuck pretended it was real, before he took it from me... I was hit by that pain, by the incomprehension long enough for Chuck to manipulate the consequences of that.”
"I'm sorry, Amara."
“It's okay now, Castiel. I don't want to go through something like that again... At least what I take from it is that I was able to get closer to Jack, I could see that my brother never wanted to re-establish any balance, he just wanted my power to perpetuate annihilation, non-existence... My existence does not need to be completed any more, neither by Chuck, nor by Dean, or even by Jack, although, I do not need to sum myself up to loneliness… You know, Castiel, you have watched this world for billions of years until a fragment within that time could change everything… Well, I think I can find many things that touch me, and they are spread over many dimensions… This has been exciting! ”
"It seems a little tiring to me, but I'm happy for you, Amara." Castiel smiles more openly at her. Trust building in his eyes. "But I have a feeling there's a reason you're telling me all this."
"Yes. Castiel, I really care about Jack, as I said, he is the closest I have to a family."
"He has already made it clear to us that the feeling is mutual."
“Well… The time he and I will have is different from what you will have with him here on Earth, you know? So, I would like him to embrace this new life, be the child he wanted to be, grow up as he should grow… In one way or another I will be present, but I don't think I should interfere in his mortal life for now.”
Amara reaches out to Castiel and in her palm is a sphere.
"The Occultum?" Castiel raises an eyebrow.
“It's the key to the Garden… I can't leave this with Jack right now, but I wish there would be trust between us, in case he needs to find the other part of him, when he's ready… I still have my doubts, but I want to trust you, Castiel. I think you are the one who can best understand what it means to be part of two worlds, and I know that you will always think about what is best for Jack.”
"Amara… I… I don't know." Castiel stops, he exchanges a look with Amara and decides to accept the sphere. If the subject is to do what is best for Jack, Amara is right. "I must get used to receiving things from you."
"Not soon." She smiles crookedly . “Speaking of which, my time has come. Take care, Castiel.”
Then, through the baby monitor, Maura's crying spreads through the room, Castiel turns to pick up the object and when he turns his face to Amara, only the empty teacup is still there.