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Chapter Text

“Why is he allowed to know nothing?” He Xuan demanded, voice rising along with his anger. Just why was Shi Qingxuan allowed to be kept out of the shady business? Why was he permitted to live a life that didn’t belong to him without knowing who he stole it from?

In what world was that fair?

He saw Shi Qingxuan bow his head, basically curling in on himself, out of the corner of his eye. It only served to anger him more.

The ghost continued, voice cold, “Is he still ignorant now?”

There was a beat of silence. Neither brother dared to answer him. 

Then, Shi Qingxuan spoke up, voice wavering, “Ming-Xiong I-”

And that’s not his name. It’s not his name and it never was.

He was He Xuan, one of the four great calamities. He was Black Water Submerging Boats. Not Ming-Xiong. That was just an identity he took on to get them here. One he used to deceive and manipulate the gods with.

It was not him.

Ming-Xiong wasn’t cheated of his fate. Ming-Xiong wasn’t the one who was used as a pawn to a game he never signed up for. He got to be a god if only for a little while. He was never met with cursed words, or a jail cell, or starvation. And he never would be.

He Xuan felt his anger rise, turning to Shi Qingxuan with a cold glare, shouting, “Shut up!”

And he felt something twinge uncomfortably in his chest when Shi Qingxuan flinched away from him, shaking slightly from his spot on the floor. The ex Lord Wind Master simply obeyed and watched with fearful eyes as He Xuan descended further into his anger. The only things on his mind were simple memories of just earlier when they had been friends. 

But He Xuan didn’t have time to grow a conscience. He paced the room impatiently, fists clenching and unclenching at his side, growling out, “I’ve given you chances!”

He had. He tried to stop Shi Qingxuan from coming. He’d tried to keep him out of the way. But did he listen? No. Because Shi Qingxuan would never abandon his brother. It’d kill him to do so. They were all they had left now. The day Shi Qingxuan betrayed his brother was the day Xie Lian broke his vow.

He Xuan almost let out a bitter laugh at the thought. 

“I asked you not to go! But you chose your brother. You always chose him. Do you still choose him now?” He Xuan spits, hoping for any kind of reaction.

“I’m sorry,” Shi Qingxuan whispered, gaining He Xuan’s attention. The former god looked pathetic. There were tears in his eyes, dirt on his face, and he wore the most pitiful expression possible. 

He Xuan watched him for a moment. He wondered if he would continue. Maybe hearing him out would quell the anger brewing in his chest. Or it would fuel it.

“Go on,” He Xuan encouraged albeit mockingly. “Or is that all?”

“I- I’m sorry.” He repeated, not knowing what else to say.

“And what should this mean to me now?” 

Shi Qingxuan opened his mouth to retort, closing it just as quickly. There was an inner battle evident on his face. He knew it would be for nothing. Though he was nothing if not genuine and honest. He bowed his head once again, whether it be out of mourning his friend or guilt for stealing his fate.

But the damage had been done. An apology would fix nothing. It would only anger him in the end.

It didn’t bring his family back. Nor the ascension he deserved. Those people were still dead. He was still starved in prison because of Shi Wudu’s actions. Shi Qingxuan had already stolen his place among the gods. So really, his apology meant nothing.

He Xuan scoffed, turning his attention back to the task at hand. He gave Shi Qingxuan nothing more than a small, “Just stay quiet.”

It was no surprise that the man listened to him. He’d always been good at knowing when to listen. Even if it meant he’d be going against his own mind and morals.

The rest of the confrontation went by in almost a blur. It was the typical brotherly love speech and the crying. The begging for another way. Even a bit of testing He Xuan’s ever dwindling patience.

Which was when it happened. The unimaginable. 

Shi Wudu had tried to cheat him. The Water Master had lunged at his brother, wrapping his hands around his throat and choking him. He spoke of bringing his brother with him. Stated that Shi Qingxuan wouldn’t be able to live without him so he might as well join him.

And the fear present in Shi Qingxuan’s eyes while he struggled against the Water Master was enough for him to act. Sure there were better ways than ripping Shi Wudu’s arms off but it’s not like he really thought about it. Shi Qingxuan didn’t react much outside of the glassy wide eyed stare, too busy trying to catch his breath. 

He almost forgot he was a human now.

An odd feeling of uncertainty pooled in his chest, paired with the image of Shi Qingxuan being strangled in his mind. He didn’t want to have to kill him. That was not his goal. The goal was to make the Water Master suffer. To make him pay for his actions.

He Xuan snapped out of his trance, eyeing Shi Wudu coldly. “Did I give you a third option?”

The god only laughed in response. 

The ghost threw the limbs in his hands to the side with little regard to whatever or whoever they landed on. He looked Shi Wudu up and down, questioning, “What are you laughing about?”

And Shi Wudu had truly lost his mind. He babbled on and on about the upper hand, claiming that no matter how this ended, he’d be the one on top. He mocked everything He Xuan had worked for.

“You’re still nothing more than a ghost in the gutters of the shadows. Be as mad as you want, they’ll still be gone,” He paused, letting out a shaky laugh, almost sounding deranged. “But me, and my brother, we’ve lived for so long, and we’ve been heavenly officials for hundreds of years…”

He Xuan’s face fell. He felt himself losing composure with every growing second. This had gone on long enough. He didn’t see the worried look Shi Qingxuan had sent his way. Nor did he hear the scuffle of the man trying to forcibly shut his brother up.

“So even if we die. He still profited. I still win!” Shi Wudu spat.

Shi Qingxuan begged and pleaded for his brother to stop. 

“Stop talking. Please stop talking. What are you saying?” He cried.

He Xuan found himself wondering how he’d gotten here. His mouth had long since gone dry. There was nothing to be said. The god didn’t care whether he lived or died. He’d even been selfish enough to try to take his little brother with him.

The ghost reached forward, hands gripping Shi Wudu’s neck tightly. “Have you no remorse?”

He heard Shi Qingxuan cry out at the action. But the human was powerless in this situation. He might as well just sit back and watch.

“You know as well as I that there is no such thing,” The god only laughed, “Everything I have today, I fought for myself. I fought for what I don’t have and I will change fate I don’t possess. My fate is mine to decide. Not the heavens!”

A cry resounded around the room. It took He Xuan a moment to realize that it hadn’t come from Shi Qingxuan. It had come from himself.

And what a joke, he thought. The very gods that humans worshipped were even worse than the ghosts they feared. It was all so ridiculous. He couldn’t help but laugh at the notion, a god among many others that seemed to truly believe he was the only one worthy of deciding fate. As if there aren’t people more capable of the job.

Shi Qingxuan did not find it as funny. His voice rising in another plea, “Please shut up. Stop talking. Please.”

“I’ll go first, okay? I’ll wait for you below.”

“You really think he’ll follow you to where you’re going?” He Xuan jeered, hand gripping the top of Shi Wudu’s head forcefully and tugging.

Shi Qingxuan let out a scream. One that even made He Xuan pause in his attempts to rip Shi Wudu’s head off. 

The former god struggled against his chains, more alive than he’d been the entire time. He screamed and begged and cried. And to everyone's surprise, the chains gave way.

“Ming-Xiong! I’m sorry!” Shi Qingxuan cried, allowing a hand to cling to He Xuan’s robes. The tears in his eyes blurring his vision just enough that he fumbled when reaching out. He continued to apologize, sobbing, “We’re the ones who sinned! We’re the ones that wronged you. It- it was all my fault. My brothers gone mad because of me. You were robbed of your ascension because of me!”

That’s not his fault.

He Xuan stared at him, expression unreadable for a moment. Ming-Xiong. Shi Qingxuan had called him Ming-Xiong. He thought of the time he’d spent under that name. The things he’d been dragged into. All the times Shi Qingxuan had called him his best friend. 

A small voice at the back of his head told him to listen, to let Shi Wudu go and accept that his revenge was already had. It gets louder with every growing second of silence. He knew Shi Qingxuan would just allow this to happen to himself. That he’d just blame himself and say he deserved it. 

He wondered how long it would take before he caved in. Taking a look at Shi Qingxuans face told him it wouldn’t be long. The human was still looking up at him through blood and tears and snot. He looks hopeful.

And He Xuan faltered.

Then it’s joined by another voice. One that is sinister and bitter. It tells the tale of how he got here without fail. It reminds him of exactly why he needs to do this. Even though it may be the end.

“Ming-Xiong?” Shi Qingxuan asked, stammering the name out like he was unsure of it. 

He Xuan looked at him again, staggering back at what he saw. Because it wasn’t Shi Qingxuan looking at him anymore, it was his wife. She kneeled there, bloodied and bruised and taking his place.

His mind was made.

Maybe Shi Qingxuan would forgive him someday, He Xuan thought, feeling his grip on Shi Wudu begin to slip and allowing the anger to flow through him once again.

His voice turned cold, “You’ve called the wrong person.”

And with that, he ripped Shi Wudu’s head off of his body, letting the corpse stand there, as stubborn in death as it was in life. It was almost insulting that Shi Wudu’s body still stood tall and proud even after everything. 

Shi Qingxuan screamed. He screamed until his throat went raw. The tears in his eyes finally fell, streaming down his face until he couldn't cry anymore. There was blood on his face, in his hair, and staining his clothes. His brother's blood.

Everything became a blur for him. He was no longer able to distinguish his own cries from those of the mad men. 

Though, he guessed it didn’t matter in the end. 

He Xuan was still there, staring at the head in his hands with a distant look in his eyes. Then he turned his attention to Shi Qingxuan. His eyes seemed to soften just the slightest bit. 

“Do you have anything to say?” He Xuan questioned.

Shi Qingxuan stared at the corpse in the middle of the room. His eyes had long since glazed over, losing the bright light they once held. One that He Xuan had gotten to know all too well.

Had he done that?

Then, he murmured, “I want to die.”

Not a chance.

“Dream on,” He Xuan scoffed, extending a hand.

Shi Qingxuan only stared at him. He had no intentions of taking his hand let alone leaving his brothers body. “Where do I go now?”

And for once, He Xuan didn’t have an answer.

———————

Shi Qingxuan refused to look at him while he tended to his wounds. He even made a point to stare at the floor(that he would find boring any other time) rather than He Xuan. The former god didn’t even open his mouth.

And any other time he’d be grateful. Ecstatic even. But right now it just felt wrong.

He Xuan eyed him warily, muttering, “I’ll send you to Puqi Shrine when I’m done.”

“Why won’t you just kill me?”

“I can’t.”

They were overcome with yet another silence. One that stretched for longer than the last.

“You know I’d have given you my godly status if you’d have asked, right? I would have done that for you. Because you’re my best friend,” Shi Qingxuan blurted out. He looked like he hadn’t thought about the words or the effect they'd have.

He Xuan didn’t know how he was supposed to respond. So he didn’t.

So the other man continued, “You’re my best friend. I’d have given you anything. Surely, you knew that? That I would have gone against my brother if you had just asked me to.”

And he did. He did know that. 

The man had proved time and time again that he would do anything for him, that he cared about him. Even against the reverend that he was so afraid of.

But how was he supposed to say that? ‘Yes, I did know that you would have done that for me. But I still thought it was necessary to kill your brother?’

For what? His own grudges. No, that wouldn’t work. So he stayed silent, focused on wrapping the wounds carefully.

Shi Qingxuan frowned at his silence, murmuring, “Ming-Xiong, was I a bad friend to you? Is that why you didn’t tell me?”

No. 

In fact, he was the only friend he’d ever had. Shi Qingxuan was the closest person to him and quite possibly the only one capable of getting through to him.

“Stop asking stupid questions,” he answered.

“I’m serious! Why won’t you just answer me?” The human persisted. 

“Ming-Xiong isn’t real!”

It’s cruel. 

“...were we ever friends?”

He didn’t answer. It was pointless. So there was no use in wasting energy on it.

There was another silence.

It was broken by the former god once more. His eyes planted firmly on the rug covering the floor. He let out a shaky laugh, “So I guess the reverend of empty words was right after all, wasn’t it?”

He Xuan said nothing, wrapping one of his wounds.

“A simple ‘Hey Shi Qingxuan! I don’t want to be your friend’ would have sufficed,” He laughed bitterly, looking at him for the first time since that evening. “But, hey. You were right. You always had to be right”

He was only met with confusion. He Xuan tilted his head, voicing his disbelief, ”No I wasn’t.”

“My best friend did die. No, actually, he just never existed to begin with” Shi Qingxuan pointed out. 

And He Xuan only stared. 

He’d been hiding behind a dead man for hundreds of years. He had let himself be known as Ming-Xiong, lord earth master, and Shi Qingxuan’s best friend. His only real friend. 

And maybe he’d taken comfort in being seen and recognized. Maybe that was enough for him. But hearing the man say he was dead was strange.

Ming-Xiong was dead. He Xuan was not.

But he couldn’t tell where Ming-Xiong started and He Xuan ended.

With that, the human hummed thoughtfully, “Maybe I’ll see Xie Lian.”

———————

It’s spring now. Which meant it’s been 3 months since He Xuan had killed Shi Wudu and lost Shi Qingxuan.

At first it wasn’t much of a loss. In fact, he’d gone months without so much as letting the god cross his mind. Granted, he’d been hibernating but results are results.

It was only after he found the broken fan that he began to think of him again. The first thing that came to mind was how much Shi Qingxuan had loved the fan. Then it was the way he would smack him with the end of it. 

“Oh lighten up! Look at all the fun things we can do,” He would say. Then, if He Xuan so much as sighed, he’d be whacked upside the head with it.

He could feel the back of his head begin to ache just from the memory.

He hadn’t heard word of Shi Qingxuan since that day either. No one had. It was like he just disappeared. Maybe he’d died. That had been his one wish, hadn’t it?

The thought lingered on his mind for a few minutes too long. Had he killed Shi Qingxuan as well? It was almost funny. He had only intended to kill one brother. Yet here he had gone and killed two.

Maybe he’d become a ghost.

He Xuan shook his head at the small idea, wandering the halls of his manor aimlessly. He’d been bored. His entire job was just following after the lord wind master and pretending to be his friend. “Pretending”. The more he thought about it, the more he realized just how little pretending he had actually done.

One can only “pretend” for so long. But he’d done so for hundreds of years. That’s centuries of “You’re my best friend, right, Ming-Xiong?” and “Do I look prettier in this dress or this one?”

No, Shi Qingxuan was his best friend. 

Even now he sometimes wonders how he’d ever been able to function normally. What was he supposed to do all day now?

“Let’s be pretty together! No one would know it was us and we could help out!” Shi Qingxuan exclaimed, spinning on her heels and practically dragging him along.

He Xuan frowned inwardly, bringing a hand up to his temples. Maybe he’d sleep.

“Ming-Xiong, are you going to sleep now? Come see me when you wake up,” Her voice filled his ears once again.

Yeah. That sounded like a good idea.

————-

The first dream was just one of their first meetings. Contrary to popular belief, he was not the one to approach Shi Qingxuan. It had been the other way around.

He Xuan had been waiting around for Ling Wen when they met. None of the other heavenly officials wanted to speak to him. He’d managed to convince himself that it was normal and not because he was genuinely unapproachable.

Yet, almost like a moth drawn to flame, Shi Qingxuan had come to him. She was in her female form at the time so it was honestly hard to tell. But there was no doubt in his mind that it was her.

She tapped his shoulder lightly, beaming at him, “Welcome to heaven, Ming-Xiong!”

“And just how many merits will this welcome cost me?” He Xuan stated dryly, though he had to admit he found her amusing.

The goddess only laughed at his antics and dragged him away. She ignored every complaint that came her way. “I can tell we’ll be good friends!”

And He Xuan was left to watch it all play out.

He was forced to watch himself fall into the role of Shi Qingxuans best friend all over again. To watch himself back into the identity he’d stolen. 

The dreams were fine. Everything was fine. Or, rather, that was what he’d decided to tell himself. He Xuan was used to taking everything in stride. He was best at going with what he was given and being able to work around issues. Though, Shi Qingxuan had always been his weakness.

A weakness that seemed to be glaringly obvious to everyone but himself.

“Ming-Xiong? Ming-Xiong!”

He Xuan woke with a start, eyes opening and staring upwards at the ceiling. His hands shake at his side, no longer listening to him. And perhaps it’s his fault that he ended up exactly like he started. Angry and bitter and… alone. 

It’s almost funny. He spent so long trying to get revenge and make them pay. Literal centuries dedicated to this entire disguise. He went to parties, watched the lanterns go up, ate good food, and made an actual friend.

Then he lost it all.

Except this time, he had no one to blame but himself. 

Shi Wudu’s words echoed in his head once again, “But me, and my brother, we’ve lived for so long, and we’ve been heavenly officials for hundreds of years… So even if we die. He still profited. I still win!”

“He still won,” He Xuan muttered.

The thought dragged a laugh out of him. His hands come up to cover his face, muffling his laughs. The laughter soon became trembling cries, consuming the air of the room. 

There’s a hoarse shout.  It’s his own.

Miles away, Shi Qingxuan limped through the crowds in town, looking up briefly as a familiar chill ran down his spine. “Ming-Xiong?”

———————-

It’s been a year now. A year since he’s seen other people. He couldn’t remember what caused him to leave that day. But here he was.

“I’m going out,” He Xuan announces to no one in particular. The manor was empty aside from himself. Announcing his departure was more of a habit. One he’d gained during his time as Ming-Xiong.

The ghost wordlessly set up the array, not even glancing at the location twice. Xie Lian was used to having people in his home. This wouldn’t be any different… Hopefully.

He stares at the door, sighing to himself before opening the door. Instantly enveloped by the warm light coming from the shrine. It felt good but strange at the same time. Like he wasn’t supposed to experience this. It wasn’t meant for him.

He Xuan steps through the array with wavering confidence. However, it was what was behind the doors of Puqi Shrine that would truly determine everything. It could be anything knowing them. 

But it was almost normal. Xie Lian was cooking food that actually didn’t look like toxic waste and Hua Cheng was watching him with a smile. It was a nice change from the usual gloom of the nether manor. There it was just him and his fish. His servants were only there when he was gone now. 

It was just him in that old lonely realm.

Though, he really only had himself to blame. 

He Xuan cleared his throat and stepped into the shrine. He was almost taken aback by how surprised the two were to see him. Mainly Xie Lian. He thought the crown prince would kill him where he stood.

“Has there been any word of Shi Qingxuan?” He asks, getting straight to the point of his visit.

Xie Lian shook his head, “Not since you dropped him off.”

“Is he alive?”

The god stared at him coldly, crossing his arms at the ghost. It was like his entire demeanor had changed. He took a step forward, questioning, “Why do you want to know?”

He Xuan looked to Hua Cheng for assistance. He should have known the ghost was a coward. Hua Cheng doesn’t offer any help or answer the question or say anything. He just shrugs.

Prick.

And he feels himself growing frustrated again. This wasn’t negotiable. He needs to know where Shi Qingxuan is or if he’s even alive. He Xuan was suddenly overcome with the growing possibility that he had just delivered him to his death.

He didn’t mean to. It was just all he could do.

“Xie Lian, is he alive?” He Xuan asks again through gritted teeth, knowing Hua Cheng would intervene if he sounded too forceful. 

He’s met with no answer again. Xie Lian won’t talk to him and Hua Cheng looks seconds from killing him where he stands.

“Fine. I’ll find him myself,” He announces, leaving the shrine. He doesn’t give them a second thought. He had a human to find.

And as he left, he realized that his revenge was more meaningless than ever. He was truly alone.

Chapter Text

6 months. It took 6 months to find Shi Qingxuan.

He Xuan spent 6 whole months looking for a human who hated him. And, no, he didn’t talk to him when he found him. He sat and he watched him. He protected him from the shadows.

There were times where Shi Qingxuan would lose the energy to continue walking. Where he would grow too tired to drag his dead leg the rest of the way. It was times like this when bandits and ghosts alike would prey on him.

But He Xuan was there to help.

It didn’t matter who or what he would have to fight. This was the least Shi Qingxuan deserved. 

Some days it felt like Shi Qingxuan knew he was there. Like the days where he would turn to the woods and mutter a small ‘thanks’ for protecting him. Or other times where his gaze would linger for far too long. 

And He Xuan froze every time, always waiting behind a bit before following him again. Which is about the time he would get lost in his thoughts.

This was no different. He watched his old friend limp off with the group, mentally counting the time before he followed. He Xuan tried to ignore the familiarity of it all. Watching Shi Qingxuan walk away while he was left behind. 

“ “Running away again?” A voice called from beside him, effectively pulling him from his thoughts.

“What do you want, Crimson Rain?” He Xuan asks. His arms had been folded from the start. He was hoping it would give the appropriate amount of ‘Fuck off’.

Hua Cheng didn’t answer immediately. Instead, he gestured towards himself with a lazy grin. But no, the fun did not end there. Hua Cheng laughs lowly and announces, “What do I want? I’m simply here to remind you that you can ask for my advice at any time, Black Water.”

“I’m broke.”

“I’ll add it to your debt,” Hua Cheng adds flippantly, then his tone got serious. He looked around at the area surrounding them and scoffs. “So, what? You barge into Gege’s home, asking about the wind master and then you do this? You sit and watch?”

He Xuan didn’t answer. 

“You can’t protect him forever.”

And he knows that. He knows he can’t protect Shi Qingxuan forever. That’s impossible. There was no forever. Not anymore.

He Xuan mentally cursed himself, breaking the count in his head. He took Shi Qingxuan’s forever the same day he made him a human. 

“Don’t you think I know that?” He retorts, voice still as level and calm as it always is. “I’d know better than anyone that I can’t protect him forever. That was the first thing I took from him.”

Which is true in its own right. Though, it’s not the answer Hua Cheng was looking for.

“You’re still so painfully dense. Listen, Black Water, you won’t be here for much longer,” Hua Cheng states, gesturing to Shi Qingxuan’s retreating form. “Neither will he.”

There’s nothing to say about that. He’d killed him.

He’s a human. Humans expire. They have a set amount of time and there is nothing he can do to stop it. Not even the gods could fix him.

He Xuan let out a huff, “Are you done? Will you allow me to wallow in my own shame in peace?”

There’s a beat of silence between them. The only noise being the wind rushing by and the fading sounds of Shi Qingxuan and his friends. He Xuan watched for a minute longer.

 “You’re just as pathetic dead as you were alive.”

“Pardon me?”

“It’s just funny to me. You did all this because your life and your fate was taken from you,” Hua Cheng rolls his eyes at the last bit. “So maybe you should take advantage of your second chance?”

And then he’s gone, leaving He Xuan to pick up the pieces.

Maybe he should actually talk to him this time.

————

He doesn’t. 

He Xuan continues to watch from the shadows. Except this time, he’s doing it on account of Shi Qingxuan’s recent “hobby”.

The man drank at every rest they took. He was never seen without a bottle in hand. Always flirting shamelessly with all the men and women that walked past. Never really looking at them but rather analyzing the way they look at him.

None of them looked at him in the way he liked.

No, only He Xuan had been able to do that, Shi Qingxuan decided.

It’s a decision he made very quickly and without much thought. Much like most of his decisions.

So He Xuan stood watch, chasing away anything or anyone that could pose a threat. Wondering if one day he’d have to chase himself away as well. Though, he mostly asked himself what the point of any of this was.

He was never going to get that friend back.

All Shi Qingxuan would have to do is ask him to leave.

And he’d do it.

He owed him that much.

“My best friend did die. No actually he just never existed to begin with.”

The words plagued his mind a little more every day. Because he did exist. He existed, and he was happy with just being that. Completely content with only the title of “Shi Qingxuan’s best friend” to his name. It took him too long to realize that was all he ever needed.

Ming Xiong had cherished the title as if he’d been crowned the heavenly emperor.

It was He Xuan that wasn’t happy. It was the scattered remains of his humanity, the anger, the bitter resentment, and the vindication that stuck to him. That was what killed him.

And there isn’t a single day when he doesn’t regret it.

Even now as he watches the man he once called his best friend, toss, and turn in his sleep from nightmares he caused. Knowing that he’s the face Shi Qingxuan sees in his sleep. A face that once made him happy, now plaguing him with horrors that theater could never even dream of replicating. 

“I didn’t think this through,” He Xuan mutters, running a hand through his hair. A habit he gained during his time as Ming Xiong. Though it was usually accompanied by the deepest sigh a man could muster and a terrible plan.

He thought about confronting him and trying to apologize. Of dropping to his knees before his old friend and letting all the regrets he’d cultivated over the last five months slip free. Maybe it’d work the way it was supposed to. Perhaps they’d be friends again, or he’d at least look at him.

That was all the god could hope for. He couldn’t give him back the brother he lost. Nor could he turn back time and play the role of the best friend like nothing had ever happened. Like he didn’t kill him.

And He Xuan knew he sounded desperate. He knew this better than anyone. But the mansion was lonely. Eternal solitude in exchange for revenge was lonely. He missed Shi Qingxuan’s eccentric ways. He craved the sound of laughter bouncing off the halls of a temple again, if only just once. 

Losing the only person to look at him like he was a person was lonely.

And for what?

For revenge? No.

To avenge a family and a fate that’d been gone for years? That weren’t coming back. That gained absolutely nothing and will continue to gain nothing unless He Xuan gets over himself.

“You know I can’t stay mad at you forever, right? You’re my best friend!”

Some best friend he was.

He Xuan shook his head, dismissing the doubts clouding his mind. He trained his eyes on Shi Qingxuan’s tent, watching the soft sway of the fabric in the wind. Listening intently for the sound of the humans' breath as he slept soundly.

He Xuan had come to terms with one thing so far. And that was that, Black Water Sinking Ships was nothing without the Lord Wind Master. 

Because in reality, an ocean devoid of the wind was nothing but a pool. He just wishes it didn’t take a quiet empty sea for him to realize this.

Nevertheless, tomorrow was another day.

————

Another day passed and He Xuan still hadn’t spoken to his old friend.

Though it wasn’t out of fear for what the man might say. No, it was mostly out of fear of what he would do. Surely Shi Qingxuan wouldn’t allow his brothers' killer to speak to him casually.

Even if He Xuan was a ghost with nothing to hold against. There was always some way to fend him off. Not that it would take much.

All Shi Qingxuan would need to say is ‘Leave.’ All he needed was dismissal. 

Shi Qingxuan was stubborn like that, He Xuan thought. The human would find a way to avoid him. He was sure they already had. Mostly from the fact that Shi Qingxuan hasn’t been alone in weeks.

Every time they left the tent to move on to new ground, Shi Qingxuan was accompanied by some man or woman. It would be… distasteful to admit that the situation irked him in more ways than one. Under any other circumstances, He Xuan would be the one glued to the man's side.

He’d be swept away from a crowd or led into an entirely new party. Perhaps even pulled to the side just to speak one on one. 

And that was something He Xuan took pride in. That was his job. Only his. 

But that was when they were friends. When they were acquaintances .

So no, the ghost wasn’t proud of the jealousy that prickled along his skin when a human got too close. He tried to pay no mind to it. Except he couldn't take his eyes off of the display. The human man had wrapped an arm around Shi Qingxuan, drawing him closer than even He Xuan had ever dared to.

And the other didn’t pull away. Rather, he leaned in with something of a smile on his face. A smile that the ghost hadn’t seen since the night everything went to shit. It was the same smile he’d been given when he bought that damn food.

“You remembered my favorite?” She asked, voice dripping with awe. Her green eyes shining with something he could never decipher. Not even now. Shi Qingxuan opened her mouth to speak again, then decided against it. Lips thinning into a sweet smile.

He Xuan had raised a brow then, scoffing, “What’s with that face?”

“Nothing. You’re just… you’re different when no one's watching.” She admitted, biting into the warm pastry. “Thank you for taking such good care of me, Ming-Xiong.”

“…Shut up and eat.”

He Xuan stiffened at the memory, turning to leave the scene. His mind races with every memory he’s ever had with the former god. Thinking purely of all the smiles and the laughs they shared. He wondered how many of them were genuine.

Distantly, he could hear Shi Qingxuan laugh at something the other said. It pains him in a way that he couldn’t understand. That laugh wasn’t reserved for his ears only, but oh how he wished it was.

Ridiculous.

That night happens to be the one night that Shi Qingxuan needs saving. It’s the same night that wolves and ghosts come out to hunt. One of the coldest nights of the year with an unforgiving chill. He Xuan could only watch as wolves, ghosts, and other beasts alike came through the pass.

He wondered briefly if he should help. Deciding that the only way he’d interfere was if he was needed. All he wanted was to hear the words ‘Thank you for taking care of me,’ again. Even if it wasn’t earned.

A scream rang out in the distant forest. One he couldn’t quite make out. It didn’t sound like Shi Qingxuan at all. Instead, it was deeper and pained. Almost like it was nearly too late. Still, he wandered towards the noise, drawn to it by some force he couldn’t see.

“Being the damsel never gets old.”

A fucking trap. Shi Qingxuan had walked right into a trap, and was only alive because He Xuan caught his hand before he fell. An idiot, he thought. The Lord Wind Master was an idiot.

“Please watch where you’re going next time,” He Xuan advised, pinching the bridge of his nose. He didn’t even want to see the look on the others face. He already knew it’d be that same smug shit eating grin. “And you’re not going to be a damsel forever, you know?”

The Wind Master shrugged, dusting his clothes off. He shook the dust from his hair and leveled He Xuan with a grin. “Of course not. You’ll be the damsel someday, and then I’ll be saving you.”

“You will not.”

“I will!”

He Xuan always hated it when he said that. Because for one, Shi Qingxuan was far from a damsel. Secondly, it certainly does get old. Saving him from situations he ran into blindly would absolutely get old. Because Ming-Xiong wouldn’t always be there to save him. One of these days his luck would run out.

The ghost followed the scream into the forest. Ducking and pointedly ignoring the utter state of it. He found himself passing a family being cornered by an animal of sorts. Feeling nothing but pity for them as he watched. He was a ghost, not a god. He could not save them.

Nor did he want to.

He hadn’t come here for them.

“I’m not here for you,” He stated, beginning to leave them to their demise. The only thing stopping him being the nagging feeling that Shi Qingxuan would talk to him only if he helped. He stepped forward, then back, then forward again only to turn with nothing but a suffering groan. “I may have a use for you after all.”

Wolves aren’t hard targets. Neither are lesser ghosts. He disposes of them easily. Ignoring most of the fanfare from the people he’d saved.

Truthfully, he doesn’t care if they are grateful. He only has one question for them. 

“Where is he? Where did Shi Qingxuan go?” He asked, uncaring of who answered. 

“Further down in the woods. He tried to distract them.” One of them stammered, pointing into the woods with a shaky hand. 

He Xuan is beginning to see how much of a problem his friend is. Not that he wasn’t before. He’s just seeing it way more now that Shi Qingxuan isn’t the least bit protected. He’s got no wind, no brother, and no Ming Xiong to save him.

This idiot was going to die. 

He quickly donned a disguise, masking himself as another civilian. The only thing setting him apart being the long hair. Though, there was nothing he could do about that. He Xuan wouldn’t have changed it even if he could.

Another scream filled his ears, louder this time as he got closer to its source. He Xuan made sure to quicken his steps, feeling his still heart almost beat as he came upon the issue. There were wolves cornering Shi Qingxuan, one with its jaw encasing the human's arm. He Xuan grimaced, reaching to grab one of the wolves and quickly tearing it off of him. He turned to the next one, pulling his arm back and then thrusting it straight through the animals chest. 

He hated to kill them when they hadn’t bothered him at all, but he couldn’t let them continue on. The ghost gazes past the animals as they fall to the floor, eyes scanning over Shi Qingxuan. 

The other stared at him with something of awe in his eyes. Then something seemed to change the longer he looked at him. Shi Qingxuans soft face morphed from an expression of gratitude to confusion. Eyes raking over every inch of him as if he were searching for some kind of identifier. 

“Who sent you?” He asked.

“…There are people rooting for you. Stay here for them if for nothing else.”

And he descended the other side of the hill, unaware of Shi Qingxuans eyes watching him leave.

————

This time around, He Xuan had plans to take a human disguise and talk to him that way. It wasn’t an honest approach. But it was better than nothing.

At least this way he would still hear his voice.

The disguise was simple. It was a younger man, barely appearing to breach his 20’s. He carries dark eyes and hair to match. He Xuan takes the liberty of tying the hair back in an attempt to gain some points for familiarity.

All in all, it doesn’t closely resemble his original form. It wouldn’t be hard to assume it was him, but that’s not the point. He only needs a second. Or that’s what he’s trying to convince himself of.

He wanders the towns paths for what seemed like hours. Wondering whether or not he was mistaken in the route that Shi Qingxuan and his group would follow. The time only seemed to slip past him until the sun was nothing but a bead over the horizon.

How? How had he missed him? He did everything right. 

He felt the anger begin to rise in himself once more. This was his only chance of a conversation. Not because it would be the only chance to arise, but because He Xuan didn’t have the dignity to conjure another disguise. He couldn’t simply wave his hands and stay this way until Shi Qingxuan graced him with an appearance.

That only works once.

The man wasn’t a fool. He’d been tricked before.

Amidst his growing worries, the group had finally made it over the pass. Pooling into the town and flooding the markets as they searched for resources. A steady chatter followed them like it was the only natural thing to do.

He planned to find his old friend out of the crowd and talk. That’s all he really wanted. To talk. It seemed easy enough. 

He Xuan watched them all pass by, eyes searching for only one in particular. And he felt ready to speak to him. Well, that was until he actually saw him. Because Shi Qingxuan was already staring at him with wide eyes and an open mouth.

The ghost felt his blood run colder than the arctic, struggling to find the words in his chest. And the glamour they’d carefully crafted fell just as easily as it was made. Black hair tumbling down and pooling near his feet, eyes turning a deep blue shade. 

He’s pitiful. He knows he looks pitiful. He can feel it in the way his mouth opens, then shuts, settling into a frown. 

“Min-“ Shi Qingxuan starts, then clears his throat. “He Xuan.”

He doesn’t like the sound if his name on Shi Qingxuan’s tongue. Nor did he like the way that the human hasn’t changed one bit. He had all the same tells. He still chewed the inside of his cheek when he was upset. He Xuan could still read him the same as he always had.

And his face hadn’t changed a bit. He still had the same soft features he carried in godhood. The only difference was the lack of makeup and a female form. But even then, He Xuan couldn’t even tell he’d descended. The man looked just the same aside from the eyes.

They were duller than they used to be. The ghost could recount every time someone had commented on Shi Qingxuan’s eyes. The way they resembled the very leaves and greenery he was associated with. It suited him in every form. It also happened to be one of the things He Xuan adored back when they were friends.

Still, he couldn’t face him. He Xuan turned on his heels and retreated into the woods. He didn’t look behind him, he didn’t want to. He just wanted to leave.

Because Shi Qingxuan looked exhausted. He looked like he’d been dragged through the mud, and sure it was probably normal for a human. But for a ghost? A god? He Xuan couldn’t take it. He weaved around the trees and the rocks, holding onto the slim chance that Shi Qingxuan didn’t notice him.

Except he could never be that lucky. Because the second he turned around, there he was. Hands on his knees and huffing from the sudden chase, but there nonetheless.

“What is your problem?” The human asks, words coming out strained due to his hunched over state. He holds a hand out and struggles to catch his breath, straightening before admitting, “I don’t get it. I don’t get you.”

“I’ve been following you for-“

“I know.”

This is getting out of hand. He approached this the wrong way. This isn’t how he wanted this to go. He Xuan holds up a hand as if to silence the other, forcing his mouth to move, “I wanted to keep you safe.”

Her- His face falls, brows furrowing as he struggles to make out his words, “I don’t need you to. I don’t want you to.”

“You followed a complete stranger into a secluded clearing. I think you need all the protection you can get.”

He doesn’t know what to tell him. He doesn’t know how to act around her anymore.

“No, I followed you into a clearing. You’re not a stranger and I’m not completely helpless. I’m human, not stupid.” The smaller man nearly growls the words. His hands ball up into fists, and for a second, He Xuan wonders if he’s going to hit him. He wonders if Shi Qingxuan really was fed up with him and his antics. Maybe this was a pointless endeavor.

He Xuan opened his mouth, then closed it again. Bringing a hand up to run through the inky locs of hair that cascaded over his shoulders. For a moment, he considered just disappearing right here. Then he shakes his head, and against his better judgment, reiterates, “I was a complete stranger.”

“I knew it was you. I’ve gotten better at noticing. You always tie your hair up,” Shi Qingxuan shrugs, though the ghost could hear the sniffle breaking through. “You’re really bad at disguises. It’s almost embarrassing. You’d think you’d be good at it after having one for centuries.”

“And you still bite your cheek when you’re upset. I still know you like the back of my hand.” His voice is icy when he says it. Like he wants to hurt him. Except he doesn’t. He doesn’t know why he did that. He Xuan couldn’t think of any reason why he would be mad. The human did nothing to him. If anything, Shi Qingxuan was the only person in the entire realm who ever did anything good for him. And yet, it felt so good to finally let it all out. 

“It wasn’t an insult. I wasn’t- I didn’t mean it like that,” The brunette whispered, seeming to shrink in on himself. Unconsciously  doing each of the things He Xuan had pointed out. “I’m sorry.”

But the words continue to tumble out of his mouth like bile. “You never cut your hair even though you know a thief could use it as an advantage. You don’t secure your tent. You give your coat away to complete strangers,” He pauses, pacing around the clearing now, voice straining, “You’re absolutely shit at hunting and you’re careless. You should be thanking me!”

His vision is almost blurring now with tears he hadn’t expected. He shouldn’t be the one crying. Yet he continues on, berating him even further. “I’m trying to keep you safe. To protect you. I’m trying to keep you from getting anymore stupid scars protecting those worthless humans.”

It’s quiet for a moment. The only noises being the birds chirping in the air and He Xuan trying to catch his breath. He tried to focus on the rise and fall of his chest, but his attention only wavered. Because all he could think about was how easy it was to finally get any of that out. To yell at his stupid stupid friend for how careless he’d been. 

And for some reason, he’s too scared to look up at Shi Qingxuan’s reaction. Partly because he already knows the face he’ll see. He’s seen it before. He’s seen the downturned red rimmed eyes with the furrowed brows and the red nose. He’s been here before.

He knows that when he looks up, Shi Qingxuan will cover his face with his hands and his fingers will twitch. That her voice will raise because she’s never been used to harsh criticism. He knows that the look she’ll give him will be the same look from that night. Except he’s doing none of those things. Instead he’s staring at him with a blank stare, fists balled up at his side.

And He Xuan can’t recognize this man. 

Shi Qingxuan burrows his hands into his pockets, fisting out anything he can find. And without warning, he hurls it at the ghost. Stones, bread, coins, jewelry and crumpled up notes and maps all bounce off of the man who does nothing to shield them. 

“ I’m a worthless human !” he screamed, spit flying from his mouth with every word. His brows furrowed so far that He Xuan wondered if they’d ever go back to normal. “Did you forget the part where this is all your fault? That I never asked for your help or your protection?!”

“No, your brother did this. I never wanted this!”

Shi Qingxuan throws his arms up with an incredulous laugh. It’s closer to a hysteric cry than any laugh there is, but that was another matter. “Oh right! How could I forget about that part? The part where my brother fucked up so you pretended to be my friend, ruined my life, tried to kill me, and then blamed all of it on, guess who? Oh yeah, ME.”

This… this was his fault, wasn’t it?

He Xuan says nothing. He’s not sure what he can say. Nothing could possibly make this conversation any better or worse. So he does the only thing he really can do. He bounds forward, seizing the others wrists in his hands, nearly releasing them when he notices how small they are in his grip. His nose crinkled and his brows furrowed, fighting against Shi Qingxuans thrashing in his arms.

“I’d appreciate it if you didn’t throw more things at me,” He leveled, nearly wincing at his own words. 

“Fuck you,” the human spits, thrashing in his arms.

“Your fighting is useless. I’m stronger than you.”

They're on the floor now with Shi Qingxuan pinned beneath the ghost. He’s shouting and cursing and writhing beneath him. Saying words that he used to think were classless. Because he’s angry. He’s angry with his brother, with his friend and the gods. But most importantly, he’s angry with himself.

And Shi Qingxuan screams an ugly, hurt scream. The kind that plagues the minds of guilty men. The kind of scream that accompanied fat tears that cascaded down his cheeks with no thoughts behind them. 

“I hate you. I hate you so fucking much,” He hiccuped, entire body shuddering with the force behind his words. “Get off- Get off of me! Let me go!”

“I know. I know you do,” comes the completely raw answer from He Xuan. One that surprises even himself with how hoarse his own voice sounds. “Tell me you want me to leave and I will.” He Xuan doesn’t even register the words coming from his mouth, resting his head above Shi Qingxuans shoulder. It’s almost scary to know how easy it would be for him to kill him like this. He can hear the other struggling to breathe beneath him, noting exactly how long it takes for the man to exhale. For a second, he ponders how easy it would be ro put him out of his misery and end borh of their troubles.

“Do you hate me ? You’d have to, right? You killed my brother, you spare me even when I asked you not to, and then you follow me for a year, ” He rants, not bothering to let He Xuan finish his sentences. “Then you have the nerve to come here and berate me for trying to survive? You think it’s hard to watch? Try living it!”

He tries to match his own breathing with his partners. Still waiting for him to calm down before demanding an answer. “Just tell me you want me to leave.”

He’s almost certain that Shi Qingxuan is looking at him now. A part of him hopes that it’s not a look of fear or disgust. Even though he’s well aware that he deserves that and anything else that the man would want to do or say to him. He Xuan just wanted so badly for Shi Qingxuan to listen to him. He’s exhausted and he’s not even sure why. He slept for so long thinking that it would all go away for as long as he wasn’t there.

Now that he’s found him, all he wants to do is hold him. He wants to keep him here so nothing else can hurt him. Even when he knows that he’ll be the one hurt in the end by it. 

““I- I don’t know what you want from me. I gave you everything. You took everything from me,” The former god blurts out. “I don’t have anything left to give you! I asked you to kill me. You declined. This isn’t fair, He Xuan. You’re not being fair.”

“I hate it when you call me that.” It’s true. The words don’t sound right coming from the others mouth. It’s impersonal when it’s said by Shi Qingxuan. Anytime he hears it, his stomach churns and his hands twitch. Because sure, he admitted it to hurt him, to cause a division between them, but this was just crazy. It wasn’t his name. That’s not his name. 

It takes a second for Shi Qingxuan to respond, but he can hear the snark in his voice before he even talks. “You told me to call you that.”

“It doesn't sound right coming from you. I haven’t been called that in years.” The ghost pushed himself off of the human, daring to look him in the eyes. The disguise of his former god self appears without him even having to think of it. He reaches a hand out to rest on the brunette's cheek, thumb brushing against a scar he wasn’t there to prevent. Then it traveled to brush the tears from his face, ignoring the flinch his actions garnered. Before, the Lady Wind Master might have leaned into it or laughed at how doting he was being. He’d call her an idiot and she’d tell him he’s being clingy. “Did you even try to dodge whatever this was? It’s so deep.”

“It was you.”

Oh.

“…I tried to keep you away.”

“I would have given it to you in a second. Because I loved you that much,” Shi Qingxuan’s voice hitched and his thrashing stopped for a second as he caught his breath. “I loved you so much, He Xuan.”

“No, you loved Ming Xiong. That’s who you loved.”

“I couldn’t love you both? Is it too hard to believe that I wouldn’t have cared for what name you went by or who you used to be?”

“You couldn’t have loved me. You would have lost everything you cared about,” he says, and he doesn’t even believe the words himself. They sound like excuses to his ears, and he supposes it’s because they were.

The brunette stared at him for a moment, eyes hardening and teeth grinding. He looked like he was seconds from just getting up and walking away. He Xuan wouldn’t blame him if he did. Hell, he would have done the same. Instead, the human stated the obvious truth to the situation. “I would have lost everything anyway. Why does it matter how I lost it?”

And listening to it now, he sounds cruel. He Xuan sounds like some monster that waits for you to be at your most vulnerable to strike. Except, he’d been there for countless vulnerable moments. So he never really waited at all. He just created his own vulnerability and waited for Shi Qingxuan to crack. Then the carefully crafted image he’d made for himself was broken.

He Xuan rolls off of him and lays with his back to grass. His eyes set on the sky above him with an odd look on his face. He doesn’t know what to say. Truthfully, he never had a plan for actually seeing his old friend. Of course he knew that a simple “i’m sorry” wouldn’t cut it, but he never expected it to turn out like this.

He knew he was a monster. Anyone could see that. But he never wanted this.

“You want to know something funny?”

The ghost hums in response.

“I’ve thought about what I would do if I ever saw you again ever since you let me go. I always thought it would be easy to tell tou to go fuck yourself, you know?” Shi Qingxuan starts with a sort of amused tone to his voice. “I guess I just… I don’t know. I thought I’d be angrier. I was angry. I hated you for months, hell, sometimes I still hate you. Sometimes I hate my brother too.”

He doesn’t answer, because he knows Shi Qingxuan wouldn’t want him to. And he’s always been good at listening to him. 

“I’m not angry anymore. I don’t hate you. I just want you to be happy. I want you to have the life you deserve even if I’m not-“ He pauses, and for a second, He Xuan wonders if he’ll ever continue. “Are you happy, Ming Xiong?”

And he absolutely preens at the name. He can feel his entire body seem to relax at the mention of it. It almost feels like he’s not a monster anymore. Like being called this other name will somehow absolve him from his crimes.

The ghost shakes his head, then pauses. He opens his mouth to answer, and then thinks better of it. He doesn’t know what to say. Ultimately he settles on a simple, “I miss you.” 

He does. He absolutely misses Shi Qingxuan and all of his crazy antics. He Xuan misses being dragged along on some stupid adventure in a female form. Sometimes he misses helping his friend with tying her hair up or fixing her robes. He wants to feel fingers carding through his hair again or Shi Qingxuans hands wrapped around him. 

“I think you know that I miss you. I hope you know that,” he whispers. “Would you still have hurt me if you did?”

“I know now.”

He Xuan thinks back to his home under the ocean. How for all these months he’s been dragging himself through the halls. Living through nothing but memories of a time where he had it all. The memories scared him in a way. Because at some point they were images and dialogue from his time as a human. Like the moment he first met his wife and the time they spent together.

And then at some point those memories started to fade away. He couldn’t remember what she looked like now. Or what she sounded like. Sometimes he could try to piece together the brief flashes of her he’d seen in a nightmare. Other times she’s looking away from him, running away from him.

Then one day, it was him. All of his memories became his time with Shi Qingxuan. His laugh, his smile, his tears. All of him.

The ghost turns his gaze to the sky, breathing deeply. He wondered if this was how humans felt. If the loneliness and the ache he felt in his year away was at all reminiscent of the grief he’d heard humans cry about. 

He opens his mouth, thinking deeply about what he’ll say, before finally admitting, “I don’t- I can’t remember her.  Everytime I think of her it’s like she’s slipping away from me. And when I looked at you, for a second, it felt like I was looking at her.”

Shi Qingxuan doesn’t respond.

“I did all of this for her. Not just for me, but for her too. Because at least then, she’ll have died for something,” He Xuan lets out a sigh, and turns his head to face Shi Qingxuan, “I lose her more and more each day, and every day you replace her. I can’t even remember what she looked like or what her laugh sounded like.”

“I-“

“I used to sleep to visit her, but she gets further away every time. I used to chase her for as long as I could.” He traces patterns in the grass, frowning as he continues, “Then one night I caught her. I caught her and I would have followed her to the next life but I woke up before I could cross.”

“I don't understand.”

“I’ll always love her. But I had my time with her. I didn’t love her the same way I used to, which I guess, is why I couldn’t move on with her.”

“You know I hate it when you talk in circles around me.” 

“I love you more than I miss her.” The ghost admits.His hands palm at the grass beneath them, feeling the blades poke at his skin. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling but it was enough to ground him. He found himself absently picking at the ground while he waited for a response.

The wind blew past them the same way it had that night. Seemingly unaware that they were together for the first time in years. He Xuan watches the trees sway and the birds fly, listening to their calls in a way he never would’ve before.

And in the midst of the calm, he feels Shi Qingxuans hand rest upon his. Small, soft fingers clasp around his, thumb rubbing against his knuckles. He hears the other pull himself to sit next to him. 

He Xuan lets out a sigh he didn’t realize he was holding in. Feeling his hair fly haphazardly with the breeze as his own smile seemed to lift. It hasn’t been this windy in years. He doesn’t look at Shi Qingxuan. He doesn’t have to. He feels the brunettes head rest on his shoulder, his free hand coming to twirl his fingers in the wind, watching the leaves and petals flitter along them.

“I thought I’d have to die to hear you say that, Ming Xiong.”

”Dream on.”