Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The glow from her phone died, taking the message with it. She leaned back on her bed and stared at the ceiling.

Somehow I have to think about you all the time

Now what the hell did that mean? Why did she have to be so confusing? She stared above her at the glow in the dark stars, which she had stuck on as soon as Ilai had left. They had stopped working shortly after she got them, but the faint luminous colours brought familiarity and comfort to her. A little piece of the night sky brought into her own little world, so she could get lost in the stars without feeling untethered. She liked that. Sometimes, though her roof was a place of magic, stargazing on it for too long left her reeling and dizzy. Like she was lost in space.

The letters written by Kieu My’s hand, letters she had physically typed and sent were still reverberating round her head. She could see them when she closed her eyes and none of this made any sense. A sentence that raw and vulnerable she felt as though she had a small piece of Kieu My’s soul right there in her phone. In her hands. Why would she send something like that if she called her a stupid kiss in front of her friends?

She could have been scared. A possibility which Fatou had considered but truthfully none of that excused her behaviour. She wasn’t made to be thrown away like some dumb mistake or fling, she knew her heart was too delicate for that. She needed someone who knew how to keep her heart safe, but the fault was her own when she was the one wearing it right there on her sleeve.

Eleven hours they had spent texting each other through the hours of the night, the morning sun creeping up over the horizon, marking the new day as something sacred. Time was always a difficult concept for her to grasp. She preferred labelling the passage of time with human events rather than meaningless numbers. On that night though, with every second she could feel herself falling deeper and deeper. She always fell in love really hardcore.

Then she felt stupid all over again, Kieu My made her feel stupid again. The feeling didn’t come and go sporadically, it was ever present, and it leeched into everything she did and everything she thought about herself. A constant you’re not good enough thumping along to the rhythm of her heart. She ran in circles after this girl again only to make a fool of herself. Constantin mentioned her being blazed out of her brain loud enough for her to hear, but Kieu My’s silence spoke louder. She then had the gall to sign up to be her project partner only to tell her she was bad at physics, like she didn’t already know that.

She was left with such frustration because if she didn’t need a good grade in this upcoming presentation, she would have never interacted with Kieu My again. She would have listened to some good soul tunes, made music with Ava and moved on like she always did. But now that she was stuck in this project and her failing grades had made themselves apparent to her parents, Mailin’s advice of taking advantage of the situation made sense. She looked at the last text she sent her and wondered if Kieu My even knew where she lived. Well, she wasn’t going to make it that easy for her, if she really wanted to make amends, she would have to work for it.

A slight rustling to her left broke her out of her musing. Maike moved around in her cage, her head tucked in slightly to her shell all cute and hidden. Maike would know what to do. After all she gave Fatou advice on how to make it up to Ava after their fight when everything was going wrong. She wondered downstairs and opened the fridge getting out some of Maike’s favourite salad leaves before heading back up and taking the tortoise out of her cage. She set her down on the carpet and took a leaf into her hand, coaxing Maike gently into taking the food. The tortoise stared at her warily since this wasn’t her usual eating time. She edged forward trying to get the salad leaf into her mouth but Fatou kept moving her hand away. Fatou stared at Maike starting to get agitated at her repeat attempts to get the food when Mailin’s voice popped into her head.

You just need to starve her

Fatou stared at the tortoise again. Is that what she had to do? Is that what it would take to not get hurt again? She didn’t know anymore. She didn’t particularly like the idea of starving anyone, it seemed cruel and harsh but maybe that was what she would have to be.

“Starve her?” Fatou asked Maike peering at her. Maike was stretching her head at this point trying her hardest to eat. Fatou watched her struggle some more then decided to feed her the leaf. She watched her eat with satisfaction when her doorbell rang. A slightly panicked feeling rose up within her, she still wasn’t sure what she was going to do yet, then she shot a quick text to her friends for some moral support before heading down.

Each step she took felt like she was getting closer and closer to something important. The outcome of today would either make or break whatever the two of them had going on, and she wasn’t sure how she felt about that yet. She braced herself at the door for a moment before opening it with a swing.

Soft baby blue met her eyes as she kept her focus on Kieu My’s clothes and she glowed, like the summer sky, Fatou’s favourite kind of weather. She averted her gaze just as Nora had suggested previously but God was it hard when her eyes felt like another galaxy she could get lost in. She would give anything to have her friends by her side right now. Especially Ava. She wasn’t sure she could do this alone. There was a slight bounce in Kieu My’s step as a soft spoken hi was sent her way.

“Uh I have Vietnamese pancakes.” Her hands brought up the plate of food she brought. She sounded nervous which was new. Fatou never thought she was the type of person who could make people feel that way.

“Come in.” She kept her head lowered as she allowed the taller girl to pass through the doorway. Everything was awkward and stilted as she moved to shut the door, trying to avoid the uncomfortable air around them. Usually, she was fairly good at detecting awkward situations and diffusing them if necessary, but she knew this time she couldn’t do that. She couldn’t make this easy for Kieu My nor could she make this comfortable. Not when this entire time she had felt nothing but inadequate.

“You can…hang up your jacket here.” Fatou pointed to where the rest of the coats were hung up and watched briefly as the other girl started taking off her coat. It didn’t feel the same anymore, not like back at Ava and Nora’s when she was undoing her boots. A pixel was out of place and now the whole image looked wrong because something had been tainted, that day by Kieu My’s words, and now Fatou didn’t know whether she wanted that picture perfect girl back anymore.

Maybe that was good though. She had finally taken off her rose-coloured glasses and giddy optimism, both of which had caused her pain and was now able to see a flawed person act like most flawed people do: with insecurity and fear. She moved to the kitchen not wanting to be close to her more than she needed to be.

Everything felt wrong, like the world had stopped spinning on its axis just to rotate a different way, and now Fatou was left feeling imbalanced and off kilter. This was never supposed to happen. She was the chill friend, the skater girl without a cause. Dependable was her middle name and unimposing her last. She was always there, usually in the background, always edge of frame but still there. Never taking up more space than necessary, always orbiting round those who needed her. Now however, she was at the centre of her own small universe and she kept feeling Kieu My’s gravitational pull.

Her leg was shaking slightly as she waited in anticipation, but she took a deep breath as she saw Kieu My enter the room and she turned to look at the physics textbook in front of her. The scrape of a chair alerted her to Kieu My getting settled in beside her.

“Uhm…thank you, by the way, that we’re doing this together.” She was staring at Fatou, a nervous half smile on her face and her eyes were so deep, there were worlds in there just waiting to be known.  

“Okay. How did you plan to do this?” Fatou pulled her textbook closer to her trying to focus on the task at hand. The girl beside her looked away briefly, something akin to disappointment on her face, before looking down at her hands.

“Yeah…um, hey, because of…um…New Year’s…I’ve been thinking a lot about it and…um…Zoe also texted me to ask if I wanted to help…and of course I would have helped, but, um, something happened with my parents and I couldn’t come.” The way she was looking at Fatou, with something pleading in her eyes, like she wanted her to understand what she really meant, made her look away. Fatou could hear the uncertainty in her voice and she could almost feel the supplication coming from her in waves, but it wasn’t enough. It pained Fatou too because she knew deep down what she wanted but a part of her, the part that Ava had nurtured over the course of their friendship, knew she needed to stay strong and tough it out. That wasn’t a real apology and it didn’t address what Fatou was hurt over.

“You can’t forgive me, can you?” Kieu My was hesitant but all Fatou could do was turn her head away slightly. She had missed the point.

“You called me a ‘stupid New Year’s kiss’ in front of your friends.” And there it was all laid out. The crux of the issue and the source of her pain. Kieu My immediately avoided eye contact, which she knew was in part due to her guilt, but just once, Fatou wanted her to meet her gaze. To stop leaving.

“Yes, that was shitty of me.” The silence was deafening but Fatou let it continue, whatever happened next was up to the girl beside her, because Fatou was all out of words. She thought hearing her acknowledge what happened would have felt better, but it just made her sad. Months of glancing at Kieu My from afar, peering at a distant dream, a star so beautiful from the view of her telescope, that it had never occurred to her something shining that bright always burned.

“You know…this week really was hell for me. I wanted to see you all the time, I read your messages a thousand times, but…I just didn’t know how to answer.” Her eyes darted to Kieu My as if she couldn’t help herself, she could feel the girl beside her start to thaw and she could hear the sincerity in her voice. If only she had said that one week earlier.

“Okay should we start?”

“Um, yeah, so, planetary orbits are actually a really easy topic.” Kieu My began to open her bag for her notes and a small part of Fatou felt relieved that at least one of them understood the subject material. Even though her love life was in shambles at least her education was back on track, since it was obvious Kieu My wasn’t lying when she told her she was good at physics. The tiny part of Fatou’s brain that had stored Mailin’s advice was cheering, which she promptly ignored.

“We definitely have to mention Kepler’s laws.” What in God’s name was that? She felt like she should have heard of it before but for the life of her Fatou was already lost. The absolute ease and nonchalance with which Kieu My was throwing out these terms should have made Fatou feel at ease, but it just made her uncomfortable. At the end of it all Kieu My was right wasn’t she? They all were. Fatou was just stupid.

“Have you already prepared anything?” The question was innocent but with the context of the last week Fatou felt her patience wearing thin.

“You were the one who wanted to help me.” She looked down again at her work, feeling kind of guilty for being mean, then getting angry for feeling guilty. Kieu My looked down unsure of what to do. She was trying, she really was, anyone with eyes could see that, it was just that Fatou had run out of energy. She didn’t have it in her anymore to chase and fall and get back up only to fall again.

The quietness continued as both girls sat there not looking at each other. Two opposing forces sat side by side unsure of which one was stronger than the other: the push or the pull. For now all was in equilibrium, so they stayed and the silence grew on.

“Yeah, could we maybe eat something first? I’m super hungry.” Fatou could see the hope in her eyes. The silent plea to at least try to get back to a place of normalcy. Another voice popped into her head, this time it was Nora.

She becomes hangry very quickly

Maybe she should stop having her friends’ voices in her head all the time, this was getting weird. She knew this before she came really, but Fatou didn’t think she could starve Kieu My even if she tried. She rationalized that having a hangry girl in her kitchen would only serve to make things more awkward between them, thus ruining her chances at a solid physics grade. Well and truly though she could never deny her this.

“Okay.” Fatou tried to look away but the food made her curious. It was neatly packaged, obviously home cooked. Fatou knew there was significance behind her bringing something from home to share. It was like she wanted Fatou to see this version of her, the one that was right here with the soft baby blues and the wide brown eyes and the utmost earnestness. At this point right now, she wanted to be known. Fatou was being drawn back despite her efforts, because knowing Kieu My was what she had wanted all along.

“You know, my mother can cook really well.” Practised hands expertly wrapped the lettuce over the pancake and her eyes were so genuine as she offered the food, that Fatou couldn’t look at her.

“No thank you.” She declined politely. She knew if her mum were here, she’d get an earful for this. Her family were big on hospitality and her behaviour right now was bordering on sociopathic, but she had to try.

“Sure?” Her resolve was being chipped away slowly every time they met eyes. For once Fatou could feel the longing behind Kieu My’s gaze for this one thing, this one gesture to be accepted. Really how could she refuse free food? After all it’s not like she had anything against Kieu My’s mum, she may as well try it.

She took the pancake from Kieu My, careful not to touch her and took a bite. She forgot how hungry she had been these past few hours, she had completely forgotten to eat, stressing over meeting up with the other girl.

Nothing beat authentic home cooked meals.

Being the daughter of a chef had ingrained that into her from childhood. The food was still warm and she could taste the love and care that went into making this. The kind of care that could only be given by a loving parent.

“Can you cook too?” Kieu My asked.

“Mmh.”

“Really fancy dishes?”

“I used to be my dad’s kitchen help. He’s a chef.” Memories of her rushing round as a kid with Ilai, chopping vegetables, cleaning plates and dishing meals at her dad’s restaurant washed over her. The wave of nostalgia hit her as she remembered her childhood. In the kitchen with her dad, was one of the few places she truly felt at home.

Being reminded of this made her quickly put the food down.

“Mhm, I’d love to be able to cook really well too. Somehow everyone always thinks I can.” There was something different in her tone that made Fatou look. Her eyes were elsewhere, maybe she was reminiscing too.

“I always feel like I have to fulfil all these expectations of everyone.” A pause. “With love too.” Fatou had asked for honesty and here she was baring the deepest parts of her soul, sharing her most intimate truths. Fatou couldn’t help it anymore, she had to look. Kieu My’s eyes were downcast, her voice wavered slightly and yet Fatou had never been more entranced.

“But in the end…I’m the one who puts so much pressure on myself. And I’m still not good enough.” Vulnerability seeped through the picture-perfect appearance she had worked so hard to cultivate, and maybe the image of her Fatou had in her mind had changed now. But she had never looked more beautiful.

Kieu My wouldn’t meet her gaze. It was almost as though her admission was accidental, but the way she shook her head slightly at herself confirmed everything Fatou needed to know.

“You are good.” Her voice was too soft and she knew it. Her tone too real. She hadn’t meant to be that honest, but something about her hearing the words not good enough rung true somewhere deep in her soul. Fatou’s words needed to be said out loud, she needed Kieu My to hear them, but maybe she needed to hear them too.

The intensity of Kieu My’s gaze made it feel as though something in the air had shifted.

They were no longer in equilibrium.

Fatou looked away, unable to keep her gaze, unprepared for whatever was to come. She had leapt on her heart’s impulse, but now her brain needed time to catch up. She stared down at her work, out of words again.

A hand crept into her line of vision, holding on to her own with an unexpected tenderness. Her hand was cold, not quite ice, more like water on the edge of frozen. Her thumb traced the ring on Fatou’s hand and she suppressed a shiver. This wasn’t fair, she couldn’t do this to her now. Fatou needed space to think. She couldn’t keep throwing herself headfirst into life without expecting to get hurt.

She took her hand away without a word and Kieu My’s fingers twitched like they were yearning for more. More what?

Hadn’t she given her enough?

The look of instant regret on Kieu My’s face made her realise that all of this was done on impulse, which made Fatou feel partially better. She of all people couldn’t fault the girl beside her for following her instinct.

“Sorry, that was stupid of me.” Words said out of insecurity perhaps, but that was the first open apology she’d received since she came over. That more than anything calmed Fatou down.

“You’re not stupid. I just…need some time.” Fatou stared at her trying to make eye contact to let her know it was okay, that they were okay. Her eyes were still downcast, her hands were clenched together and Fatou sighed, mourning what could have been. Kieu My misinterpreted the sound and immediately stood up grabbing her notes.

“Oh right of course. If you need time I should probably leave you alone and go home. I’m sure we can come up with something via WhatsApp.” She already had one hand on her bag ready to leave when Fatou stopped her.

“No wait! You don’t need to leave. It was just that… I was wondering whether we could work on the physics assignment together. You know… like study pals, or partners… I mean buddies. Yeah study buddies. Strictly astronomy.” Fatou’s words tripped out of her mouth and she cursed herself for sounding like such a dumbass. Kieu My paused, staring at her, indecision on her face.

“Strictly astronomy? Sounds like the name of a nerdy kids show.” She tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. Her voice sounded tentative.

“One that I’d pay to watch.” Fatou’s response was immediate and she could see Kieu My visibly start to relax a little.

“So just wondering. Are we study pals, study partners or study buddies? Because that’s a lot to choose from.” She asked questioningly, referring to the absolute mishap that was Fatou trying to describe their current situation.

“Oh shut up.” Her voice had no bite to it though and the other girl could hear that.

Kieu My’s answering smile was dazzling and if Fatou had to spend an extra couple of minutes figuring out how to breathe again, well, that was her business.  

Chapter Text

The bluish tinge of light visible from the kitchen window slowly descended to a deep black as the rest of the evening passed by. They had spent the remaining hours at Fatou’s kitchen table, tentatively sat, trying to flesh out a detailed plan of what to cover for their presentation. They kept the conversation work related, and Fatou thought maybe they could do this.

Except whenever they locked eyes or accidentally brushed hands. Fatou felt her heart speed up so fast she thought she must have a medical condition. Other than that minor detail though, they were doing okay. Just fine.

 The sound of the front door unlocking interrupted them, and a woman’s voice called out to Fatou to help unload the groceries.

“Okay my mum’s home, do you think we should call it a day? Fatou saw Kieu My start to pack her notes back into her bag.

“Yeah sounds good to me, we can catch up later and finish deciding the rest of the material content.” Kieu My said. The sound of her zipper fastening on her bag caught Fatou’s attention briefly.

“You mean you can finish deciding.” Fatou smiled at her not unkindly. The entire time, though trying to hide it, Kieu My had dominated the project and organised what they needed to research. It was a relief though, because Fatou needed that. Sitting there beside her, watching her ramble decidedly on about who was responsible for what made her oddly reminiscent of Ava and the way she would coordinate their music jams with such determination.

“Well you helped too.” Kieu My protested trying to be nice. Fatou stared at her knowingly and she smiled a little as she corrected “Okay you helped a bit. Maybe we should do some extra research together before planning anything else?” Her hair had fallen covering her ears and she avoided eye contact as she asked the question.

She was nervous. Fatou was slowly starting to get used to her habits.

“Yeah sure, what did you have in mind?”

She shrugged. “Oh I don’t know maybe some kind of-”

“Fatou honey I called you to help me get the groceries ten minutes ago.” Her mum had entered the room struggling with three carrier bags. Fatou immediately moved to help her, grabbing two of them and setting them on the countertop.

“Sorry I was doing schoolwork.” She apologised.

“You? Doing schoolwork? This late?” Her mum joked laughing slightly. She opened her arms for a quick hug, a usual custom in her family, and Fatou rolled her eyes fondly before accepting her mother’s embrace. Only then did she see Kieu My out of the corner of her eye standing awkwardly watching the whole interaction.

“Oh mum this is my project partner for the physics assignment we’re working on together.” Fatou pointed to Kieu My. For half a second, she swore she saw a flash of irritation cross her face but before she could be sure, it was gone, replaced by a friendly smile.

“Hi Mrs Jallow I’m Kieu My it’s really nice to meet you.” Kieu My extended her hand in greeting and Fatou’s mum stared in surprise before taking it and shaking her hand warmly.

“It’s nice to meet you too. I hope you were comfortable did Fatou give you anything to eat?” Fatou’s mum stared at her daughter in question while she shifted guiltily from foot to foot.

“Oh, it’s fine don’t worry I brought my own food, I was pretty hungry when I came.” Kieu My reassured her. Fatou winced.

“Fatou! You made a guest bring their own food to our house?” She felt a light pinch to her ear, made in jest, but she could still hear her mum’s disappointment.

“Sorry I didn’t mean to I didn’t know she was going to bring her own food.” Fatou replied defensively.

“Well make sure you at least give her food to take back home.” Her mum insisted.

“Oh no don’t worry you don’t need to do all that. I don’t want to disturb you.” Kieu My still had her backpack on but Fatou’s mum took absolutely no notice and would not hear of anything else.

“Nonsense! You’re not a disturbance at all! If Fatou had been a good host then you wouldn’t be having to bring food back.” Fatou’s mum stared at her disparagingly and she decided to take the reins from here.

“Well, my mum’s right I can’t let you go home without giving you some food to take back that would be rude.” Fatou held her hand out for Kieu My’s backpack. “May I?” She handed it over hesitantly as Fatou and her mum pottered about the kitchen and chatted about their days, filling up a dish container with some of their leftover pasta to give back to the girl waiting beside them.

After much protest, Fatou shoved the container in Kieu My’s bag, insisting that she needed to return the favour.

“Your mum made such nice pancakes I can’t let you go empty handed.” Fatou smiled shyly as she opened the front door to see Kieu My off.

“Thanks, Fatou. For the food, but…for everything else too.” She was acknowledging their conversation in the early hours of the afternoon. One that had almost ended in tears. Fatou tilted her head slightly, considering the girl in front of her. The faint glow of the moonlight framed her face and her hair blended into the darkness outside - a midnight black. Here in this half-light, stood a much softer Kieu My than the one usually gracing the school halls.

“It’s okay. Have a safe trip home Kieu My.” She stood at her doorway watching the gleam of a white coat fading in the distance – like a shooting star.    

Her pillow vibrated vigorously, shortly followed by her ring tone. Fatou groaned in exasperation, pulling her phone from under her pillow and lobbing it across the room with no care or thought. She rolled over in her bed and attempted to doze off, trying desperately to hold on to the little bit of sleep evading her.

A bang of her bedroom door made her sit up in alarm and she stared at the doorway, only to see the figure of her best friend staring down at her, a knowing expression on her face.

 “Ughshss” She mumbled, tugging the covers higher to shield her face from the light outside her room.

“Riseeee and shineeee.” Ava sang, imitating their favourite Kardashian sister, and she strode into Fatou’s room with all the confidence of the countless sleepovers they had shared together here.

“Stopppp, let me sleep in.” Fatou whined as she felt Ava crawl into her bed and press her cold hands to her face.

“Nope. Sorry Chibi not today! You brought this on yourself. Maybe if you had answered one of my calls we wouldn’t be here, but you didn’t so we are. Now get up and fix yourself! We need to talk.” Ava settled herself into her spot on the bed and started scrolling through vines on her phone, while Fatou, after much grumbling and complaint, slowly trod to her bathroom and freshened up. After splashing her face with cold water and fixing her hair and teeth so she didn’t look like such a zombie, she walked back in with a plate of buttered toast to share.

“Ahhh yes thanks! I knew I could count on you for bread, I forgot to buy some when I went shopping last night.” Ava mentioned, helping herself to a few slices.

“Of course, it’s a staple Ava. Everyone needs carbs.” Fatou sat beside her on the bed as the two of them made their way through the food, sitting peacefully. The morning rays filtered through Fatou’s wide window, lighting up her messy room with pale yellow.

“Honey, anyone ever told you to clean up in here?” Ava questioned judgingly as she eyed Fatou’s overflowing hamper filled with dirty laundry.

“What do you mean? This is clean!” Fatou argued, pointing out the carpet on her floor being visible for the first time in months.

“Oh dear…remind me never to share a room with you.” Ava rolled her eyes, but her fond sigh betrayed her.

“Now I know you don’t mean that because you’ve shared a room with me so many times you’re immune.” Fatou countered.

“Immune?” She raised her eyebrow.

“Yep, this mess you see right here Ava…”

“Yeah?”

“This actually isn’t just mess, but rather a metaphor…for my life…and my identity as a young black lesbian living in Germany.” Fatou trailed off and joined in when Ava started laughing loudly.

“Only you can make a metaphor out of literally anything.” Ava shook her head at her while chuckling.

“A+ for effort?” Fatou asked.

“Hmm I’d give you a B-, your delivery still needs work.” Ava grinned while Fatou sighed.

“One day Ava Pereira you’ll be dying to give me a top grade.” She said though clearly that day was not today.

“Yeah, sure Chibi anyways! Speaking of black girl magic…” Ava continued spritely.

“We absolutely were not talking about that.” Fatou side eyed her though it was ruined by her smile.

“Well, I’m talking about it now so let me finish!” Ava carried on. “I found this new hair stylist a few streets away from the one I used to go to. Remember her?” Ava shuddered.

“Oh yeah crazy Pam?” Fatou asked.

“Crazy Pam.” Ava affirmed. “Well anyways this one looks a lot better, so I was thinking of going one weekend to try it out.”

“I don’t know going to a new place seems risky.” Fatou pointed out.

“Yeah, but it can’t get any worse than crazy Pam.” Ava countered.

“Well you have a point there.”

“If she’s any good I’ll recommend her to you.” Ava pinky promised.

They spent the rest of the morning scrolling through their favourite vines, sometimes finding new ones they hadn’t seen before. They tried venturing onto tiktok to see if it was any good only to come out with the verdict that it was infinitely worse. After viewing one particularly cringey tiktok challenge involving a romantic gesture, Fatou begun to poke Ava’s dimple.

“Whaaat?” Ava groaned, sensing what Fatou was about to ask.

“Sooooo? You and Marc? Give me the details! You haven’t told me anything yet! All I know is you spent the night at his place after a date.” Fatou pointed out, staring at her with puppy dog eyes.

“What do you want to know?” Ava asked reluctantly.

“Are you two banging or what?”

“Fatou! Oh my God!” Ava pushed her away covering her face with her hand.

“What? At least one of us needs to get laid.” Fatou sighed forlornly, she’d been single for too long.

“Oh yes speaking of our sex lives…that’s the whole reason I came here! I’ll only answer your Marc questions if you answer my Kieu My ones. I was going to ask, what happened with her yesterday? How did it go? Why didn’t you answer any of my texts or calls?” Ava bombarded her.

“Did you come prepared with a list of questions or something?” Fatou asked, slightly alarmed at the intensity with which Ava was asking for details.

“How did you know? I’ve got the list right here on my phone!” Ava showed Fatou her opened notes app with a long line of questions and Fatou sobbed at what was to come.

Shortly after Ava had departed, she had spent most of the day at Fatou’s baking more cookies (which turned out much better than the ones at Nora’s) and asking oddly specific questions about Kieu My’s visit.

Did you guys sit side by side or opposite?

Is she really as cold as she looks? If you had to estimate just what temperature do you think she is?

Vietnamese pancakes? Really? Why couldn’t she bring cookies like everyone else?

After the long barrage of questions which she was forced to answer - because she in turn needed to hear the details about Marc - Fatou found herself sat on her floor looking at her physics notes. She had finally found an empty spot of carpet in her room clean enough to sit on, while her revision material surrounded her like a vast ocean of unknown.

She figured since the previous evening was spent deciding some of the topics they would cover, Fatou should try to get a head start with the research. She only knew she was in charge of Kepler’s third law, so with a heavy sigh she pulled her laptop closer and pulled up google, searching something along the lines of:

Kepler’s 3^rd Law…help?  

She found a promising article from a Nasa website but as she was reading, she felt her mind slowly drifting off.

Kepler's Third Law: the squares of the orbital periods of the planets are directly proportional to the cubes of the semi major axes of their orbits. Kepler's Third Law implies that the period for a planet to orbit the Sun increases rapidly with the radius of its orbit.

She read the same paragraph three times, not soaking up any more information than before, when a vibration alerted her to a new text. After some rummaging around through her room for her phone, she finally saw she had a new message from Kieu My.

Hey! I was wondering whether we could do some extra research tomorrow if you’re free? I found a really useful place that’s got an exhibit we could look at.

She vaguely remembered Kieu My bringing up the idea of doing more research, but she never got to finish her line of thought before they were interrupted by her mum.

Yeah sure! That sounds like a good idea.

Great :-) Here’s the link.

www.naturkundemuseum.de

Thanks!

So my suggestion would be to meet at half past two tomorrow at the natural history museum, then we can look at everything in peace and maybe later watch this film that is playing there.

What do you think?

Sounds really good!

Looking forward to it.

Fatou clicked on the link and was immediately taken to a page filled with information, which she skimmed briefly, before recognising it as the very museum she had spent her early childhood in. Looking back down at her notes again, with a sigh she resigned herself to having to spend the next few hours at least on her physics work before tomorrow.

When the next day came, she found herself running late. The wheels of her skateboard rolled across the uneven ground, her feet feeling every crack in the concrete. Her breath rose up around her like steam as she travelled to the location she had searched up on her phone. She had clearly miscalculated the time it would take to get there hence the mad dash on her skateboard.

Her skateboard, a staple of her aesthetic, had originally begun as a purchase from her dad when she was younger to help her be more punctual. At first, she had hated the idea of needing an extra mode of transport, because unlike everyone else, she couldn’t get to places on time. The more experienced she became however, the more she enjoyed her skateboard for different reasons. The low hum of her wheels over the smooth tarmac, the feel of the crisp air hitting her face. Late nights skating around the city with music in her ears, making her feel infinite. She wouldn’t trade that feeling for anything.  

She rounded the corner and saw a tall figure standing outside a large archaic building. The fur of her coat was visible from a mile off and as she got closer, she noticed hands clasped tightly together.

“Hey! Sorry for being late.” Fatou called out as she rolled to a stop.

“No don’t worry the exhibition starts at three anyway, I just wanted to get there a bit early to get the tickets sorted.” She looked down at Fatou’s outfit subtly, eyeing the notebook in her hands. “Are you planning on taking notes?” She sounded mildly surprised.

Fatou shuffled defensively. “Yeah. I thought that’s why we were here? For the physics project?”

“No, yeah, you’re right we are.” Kieu My rambled looking at the road around them.

“It’s really crazy, I was here all the time as a child.” Fatou smiled trying to put the girl in front of her at ease. Kieu My looked at her, an awkward smile on her face as she peered at their surroundings once more. “Yeah. My brother really loved the dinosaur skeleton. It’s huge.” Fatou added gesturing with her hands. She neglected to mention that usually she was the first one begging her parents to take her back home. She thought that wasn’t information Kieu My needed to know just yet.

“Cool…should we…?” She was looking towards the entrance of the building.

“Yeah should we go inside?”

“Yeah.” Kieu My walked off, her legs having a much longer reach than Fatou’s. She was already halfway there by the time Fatou started jogging to catch up.

After organising the details of their tickets, which Fatou left to the girl beside her to handle, they were off, following the signs to the section of the museum reserved for the astronomy exhibition.  

As soon as she stepped through the open archway, she was hit by a neon blue so deep it permeated everything under its light. Kieu My’s face was washed over with it, and as she looked over to Fatou, an anxious half smile on her face, Fatou could see the whites of her eyes glowing in the dark. They held so much reserved excitement they twinkled. She smiled in turn, content to let the taller girl take the lead.

Mid-way through the tour, a deep male voice filled the room, echoing around the vast chamber. He narrated some of the history behind the figures and models, which Fatou was grateful for. She always found it more interesting to work with both audio and visual input.

This might have been the most engaged she had ever been inside a museum. Who knew they could actually be fun? If Friedal ever taught physics like this then maybe she would bother paying more attention in his classes. Instead, each lesson began with him writing an equation on the board, a sure-fire way of losing her focus, since she didn’t understand what half of it even meant.

They perused the museum in silence, absorbing the information with interest. Fatou even took some useful notes from the placards describing the planetary models in glass cases. Occasionally Kieu My would hover over to where she was to view the same model, and sometimes they would discuss how it could be utilised for their project. For the most part though, she stuck to herself, moving around the floor space with a practised ease that suggested this wasn’t her first time here.

They were stuck in this limbo of in-between. Not sure how to navigate the early stages of this new studying partnership, their conversation still faltered on occasion. The pull, however, was still there. It had just shifted to mould to their new dynamic. Instead of the constant desire to revolve around Kieu My, she was quite content to wonder solo. Surprisingly, it seemed as if Kieu My was the one who drifted towards her, circling around her as she viewed the exhibit - much like an elliptical orbit.    

At one point, Kieu My wondered over to Fatou and stood beside her, hands barely brushing, just centimetres apart. The constant drumming of her heart was growing ever louder, like it was ready to jump out of her chest and present itself, gladly, as a sacrifice.

Their eyes connected in the semi-darkness and gone was the museum. Gone was the awkward uncertain air around them.

They were two girls in another world, one with a blue atmosphere. Everything was different on this planet. Here oxygen was replaced with attraction, carbon dioxide with magnetism. No longer were they constrained by the rules of the Earth, they were freefalling.

She couldn’t bring herself to look away. Like a bird, pinned by the wing, she knew flight wasn’t an option.

She saw Kieu My’s eyes widen slightly, just as transfixed. Before anything more could happen, Kieu My turned her head away slightly, breaking the spell binding them together. Fatou was still reeling from the aftereffects. Her gaze burned.

“Er I think the presentation is starting soon. Should we sit down?” Kieu My said while half turning towards the next room they were supposed to go to. Apprehension painted a picture on her face, her eyes flitting between where they were and where they were supposed to be. If Fatou thought she was awkward, this was nothing compared to the nervous energy radiating from the girl next to her.

 “Yeah.” Fatou responded.

They followed a few others into a smaller cordoned off room that held some couches, perfect for laying down in. Fatou found a more remote section, away from others, giving them the illusion of privacy, before leaning back and letting herself get immersed in the galaxy above. Kieu My paused for a second, then lay down beside her, lifting her knees up to match Fatou’s posture.

A small smile adorned Fatou’s face as she noticed this, she chose not to comment on it though.

At intervals Kieu My would shift slightly, unable to still her nervous energy, and when their arms brushed, Fatou could feel goosebumps on her skin. Her natural response to the girl beside her, because despite her brain telling her otherwise, her body always reacted on instinct.

Fatou stared above her and felt herself lost in the stars, if only she could have bought this for her room instead. For a while she almost forgot she wasn’t alone. She heard movement beside her and could feel a pair of eyes on her, but she kept her gaze upwards.

Her head would turn to her frequently, almost as though checking that Fatou was actually interested.

“I didn’t know you liked physics this much.” Kieu My was viewing her with intrigue, as though she had surprised her in some way.

“Yeah astronomy is cool, minus all the equations though.” Fatou responded.

Kieu My smiled at her. “Yeah it is. I swear you’re always either asleep or staring out the window in class though?”

Fatou paused a little. Aside from Ava, no one had paid enough attention to her in class to notice that. “Yeah, well Herr Friedel isn’t the most interesting is he?”   

“Maybe not but he isn’t that bad right?” Kieu My looked in surprise. Maybe she found him a good teacher because she was actually smart Fatou thought grimly.

“Well no he isn’t but he’s mega boring. He’s the most boring teacher in our year according to Nora.”

“The most boring? No way. That has to be Herr Lutig” Kieu My countered playfully.

“That’s what I thought! But I was outvoted by Ava and Mailin. Herr Friedel has fresh sneakers though.” She continued thoughtfully.

“Are you serious? Him? Fresh sneakers? Since when? His entire wardrobe is terrible!”

Fatou smiled. “You think? Maybe his clothes aren’t the newest, but his sneaker game is good.”

Kieu My rolled her eyes but there was no harshness to it. “His sneaker game is non-existent Fatou. He’s been wearing the same shoes all year.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t matter they’re still fresh! He’s got like that whole colour block thing going on...”

“What colour block? His shoes are bright orange and vomit green.” Kieu My was shaking her head in disgust and laughing.

“Vomit green? I didn’t know that was an official colour?” Fatou may have disagreed with her, but she couldn’t deny this was fun.

“Well it is now. I’ve coined it. Anyways isn’t the definition of fresh literally something that’s new? If he wears them everyday how are his sneakers fresh?”

“Fresh isn’t how new something is, it’s how good someone looks in it. Friedel likes them and they make him happy. People look good when they’re wearing what makes them happy.” It was a simple philosophy to live by, but one that Fatou followed rigidly. She didn’t wear anything that made her uncomfortable, she didn’t know how other girls did it. If Fatou attempted to wear anything similar to high heels she would probably be taken to the emergency room within five minutes.

“Hmm. I guess I never thought of it that way, but you have a point.” Kieu My conceded. She looked at Fatou thoughtfully before continuing. “So… if I were to wear something that makes me happy, like an ugly space t-shirt to school, do you think I’d look good?”

There was something more to that question, something hidden or maybe deeper. Though she couldn’t tell what. She decided to answer light-heartedly. “Excuse you, nothing space related could ever be ugly.”

Kieu My went silent after that. They both went back to staring at the planets and Fatou could hear an audible exhale from the girl beside her. Almost as if she had decided something. Kieu My pulled herself up, leaning on her elbow to look down at her. Her body language was private, almost intimate. It felt as though whatever she was about to say was for Fatou’s ears and Fatou’s ears only.

“Did you know that in our previous solar system, so around…650 million years ago, um…our planets left their orbits?” Kieu My looked at her, eyes alight with excitement. Fatou looked back briefly, intrigued, before staring back up at the screen above. “Yeah, Neptune was 20 astronomical units away from the sun. And Jupiter had wondered through the entire solar system.”

Going around the entire solar system alone sounded kind of depressing to Fatou, and she wondered whether Jupiter ever felt lonely because of it. She supposed planets didn’t really have feelings, not the way humans did, though a vague memory was stirred up in the recesses of her mind of a documentary she watched not long ago. Didn’t Jupiter protect the Earth at some point? She’d liked Jupiter since knowing that. It was one of her favourite planets now, alongside Saturn.

She hadn’t noticed Kieu My had stopped talking, too engrossed in her own thoughts.

Her musings were interrupted with “I’m boring you to death, right?”

She wasn’t aware Kieu My had been watching her the entire time. She turned to the sound of her voice and only then did she notice the change in Kieu My’s expression. It was subtle, but the light in her eyes had died a little, her voice just a shade quieter. She realised now how her silence must have been interpreted as disinterest and tried to reassure her.

“No, I just thought about something.” Upon seeing her expression unchanged Fatou felt the need to elaborate. “I watched a documentary and they said that Jupiter is responsible…for the Earth developing so well. Because it protects the Earth from asteroids. I just think it’s crazy how everything happened the way it happened.” She turned her head to look at Kieu My, her eyes open and honest. The sad truth was Kieu My could probably read chapters of her maths textbook aloud and Fatou still wouldn’t find her boring.  

She must have said something right because Kieu My was staring at her with an intensity she couldn’t quite fathom. They were close, Fatou hadn’t realised till now just how close. They were too close. Eyes flickered from Fatou’s eyes to her lips then back again in quick succession. Kieu My was staring at Fatou like she wanted her to do something, but her brain was too busy short circuiting to figure out what.

She could see her leaning in, almost subconsciously, and so she did what felt safest in that moment. She turned her head away. As much as she liked this side to Kieu My, she got the feeling that the girl beside her in this moment, wasn’t the same girl she’d see tomorrow when surrounded by her friends.

A slight pause, followed by a loud sigh as Kieu My lay back down. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. God why am I so bad at this?”

She looked so defeated and tired, Fatou couldn’t help but sit up, mirroring Kieu My’s previous position, to stare at the girl now looking at the stars. “What are you talking about? What are you bad at?”

“This! I don’t know. I feel like I misread everything. I’m just bad with girls.” Kieu My sighed again.

“What makes you think you’re bad?” Fatou was eyeing her with curiosity. Aside from the brief moment at Ava’s where they spoke vaguely about sapphic culture, they hadn’t really talked like this before.

“I don’t know the fact that you’re the first girl I’ve ever kissed? Even though I’ve been out for months and trying on Tinder for ages, I still don’t know how to talk to girls.” Kieu My shook her head at herself.

“That’s normal though. I don’t think there’s anything bad about that.” Fatou countered.

“But there’s so much that I still don’t know. That I feel like everyone else knows apart from me. It feels like a whole other world that I’ve just been thrown into and now I have to learn the ropes but I’m struggling.”

“Kieu My…you don’t have to do anything. There’s nothing to do. You just have to be.” Fatou looked at the dark eyes staring back at her, a mirror to her own past. She remembered the early stages of her own coming out journey, the way she felt like she was disappointing everyone by not expressing interest for men. This entirely new way of being with no manual or beginners guide to help her. She understood the confusion and self-doubt that came with that. Unfortunately, there was no self-help book to being gay, Fatou’s teacher was experience and time.

“You know…you can be kind of intimidating sometimes.” Kieu My shared. Her brown eyes were looking at Fatou’s but she didn’t look intimidated. If anything, she appeared kind of awe struck.

Fatou laughed in disbelief. “Me? Intimidating? Yeah sure.”

“No, I’m serious you are! Or at least you can be sometimes. You know what you’re doing, and you’ve been with girls before…”  

“Yeah, well that takes time. I came out when I was around fourteen, it’s not surprising I know a bit more than you about this stuff. Even with all that I still feel like a mess.” Fatou assured her.

“Did you always know you liked girls then?”

“Hmm, I think a part of me knew from a really young age, but I didn’t know there was a word to describe what I was feeling. As soon I realised there was and it was actually a sexuality I never looked back.” Fatou smiled down at her warmly. “What about you?”

“Oh, uhm, looking back there were definitely moments where I realised the way I was feeling wasn’t hetero, but I don’t know. It never occurred to me that I was bi because I’d never really liked anyone in real life you know? It was always either simple crushes on actresses that I passed off as admiration or being curious about the two girls making out in the corner at Constantin’s party. It never got any deeper than that. So I guess I tried not to question it…but eventually…”

Her eyes ran over Fatou’s features too quickly for her to understand what it meant. “…It got to a point where I couldn’t ignore it. I had to confront my feelings. I guess being friends with Ismail also helped me out because I was already aware of a lot by then. So, the idea of using bi as a label actually felt quite nice, even if it took me some time to get used to.” She looked shy but Fatou nodded in quiet understanding, which seemed to let her relax a bit.

They both stayed in comfortable silence till the movie finished, feeling the ever-changing boundaries to their dynamic. Their relationship, like a rubber band, kept expanding and constricting, testing the waters of what they were comfortable doing around each other.

As they exited the building, the winter air hitting their faces, both girls stood next to each other. Hesitating, neither of them wanting to leave this safe bubble they had created for themselves. Fatou wasn’t sure whether they would get the chance to talk this freely again. She still felt stuck in limbo, not quite friends yet but not cold acquaintances either. They were getting closer to becoming something, the problem was she didn’t know what.

“I had fun today…” Fatou began.

Kieu My scrunched her nose and stared at her out of the corner of her eye. “Yeah?”

“Yeah, I learned a lot.” Fatou smiled. “Did you know that 650 million years ago our planets left their orbits?”

Kieu My laughed with abandon. “Oh my God Fatou!”

Fatou grinned in turn. “What? It’s the most interesting fact I’ve learned today!”

“You can’t tell me that’s all you’ve learnt from today?” She asked rhetorically.

“Of course not, I’m just saying it’s the most interesting thing that’s all.” Fatou shrugged. “You’re pretty smart.”

“You think?” She looked bashfully at Fatou, tucking her hair behind her ear, and Fatou liked to think herself calm and collected but damn she had really nice ears.   

“Yeah I do.” Fatou’s voice was quiet and calm, the way she sounded only when she was fully confident about something.

Kieu My paused slightly before saying. “I think you’re smart too.”

“Really? How?” Fatou asked in disbelief. She had never heard those words come out of anyone’s mouths in relation to her.

Kieu My must have heard her tone, because her own voice grew a bit stronger with her conviction. “Yes I do Fatou. Your outlook on life makes me question my own – in a good way.”

“Are you talking about my gay expertise?” Fatou joked, unsure of how to take the genuineness of the compliment.

“Partially…” Kieu My smiled back.

“Well, there are plenty more pearls of wisdom where that came from.” Fatou shrugged.

“Can’t wait to hear them. We should…do this again sometime…” Kieu My bounced a little on the balls of her feet.

“What go to this museum?”

“No, I mean, just - learn together that’s all.” She shuffled her feet before continuing. “It doesn’t have to be just physics. We could do other subjects too?”

Fatou stood there watching the girl in front of her descend further and further into panic before replying. “That’s a good idea Kieu My.” A beat. “Are you any good at maths?”

Chapter Text

A FEW WEEKS LATER

For want of a better term, they were sneaking around.

Each passing day did more to confirm Fatou’s suspicions, as she watched the girl who had melted in her house like a spring thaw, revert slowly back. This time she was no longer ice, now she had settled as fresh snow. A gentler form of what she used to be.

Her public persona was still very much there, following her around like her own personal bodyguard. Fatou noticed however, when their eyes met in hallways and classrooms, her mask would slip ever so slightly. Her eyes would crinkle at the corners, a small admission of happiness at having seen her.

They weren’t quite ignoring one another; they were dancing around each other instead.

And with every dance, fragments of memories, private and personal would be at the forefront of her mind. Carefully collected moments of time alone with her. She was beginning to realise Kieu My was a mirage, and Fatou didn’t know which part of her was real. The girl who spent hours alone at her home each week, or the one at school who was always surrounded.    

JANUARY 18th 2021

She had just left German, her final lesson for the day, and was on her way to retrieve her books when she spotted a neon green bag right by her locker. Leaning against it, slightly hesitant was none other than Kieu My. Fatou’s first assumption was she must have been waiting for someone else, but her hands were holding a familiar looking container. Upon arrival she shot her a warm smile, albeit kind of nervous.

“Hey, you finished for today?” Her voice sounded playful, but her leg twitched.

Fatou opened her locker to return her books. “Yeah you?”

“Yeah our teacher let us out a couple minutes early.”

“Lucky.”

“Yeah…um…I just came to give you back the box you gave me. The food was really lovely my family and I enjoyed it. Thank you again.” Her expression was sheepish as she handed it over, and as Fatou took it their hands brushed. Her thumb stroked the back of Fatou’s hand, slow and deliberate, and Fatou had to remind herself to take a deep breath. It wouldn’t do to pass out in the middle of the school hallway.

“Oh…yeah…no worries. I’m glad I made a good impression on your parents then.” She murmured nervously.

“Did you make the food? I thought it was your mum?” Kieu My stood up straighter, more alert, as though she had missed something significant.

“Yeah, I made it. My mum doesn’t really like to cook.” Fatou admitted.

“Wow, well it was really good.” She reiterated; her smile more open this time. Fatou wasn’t sure what to reply, not the best at receiving compliments. She simply shrugged and continued taking the books she would need for the following day from her locker.

The silence that followed however, was tangible, it reached out and held Fatou ransom. She looked back, she wanted to know why the girl beside her was so quiet. When she did, she found a pair of brown eyes, warmer than usual staring back at her. The eyes found her, they sought her out, even when she didn’t want to be seen. There was a question in Kieu My’s gaze before she blinked and it was gone. Fatou turned away. She had never seen eyes this expressive.

 “Hey…listen I was wondering…are you free this week at all to go over the Physics presentation? It just makes more sense if we create the PowerPoint together.” Kieu My’s fingers twirled her hair, and she stared at Fatou with a vulnerability that suggested more importance than just a school assignment.

“Yeah, sure I should be free tomorrow, where were you thinking the library?” She was too busy attempting to cram her massive maths textbook into her bag to notice the fall in Kieu My’s face.

“Er…if you don’t mind, I was thinking yours? It’s just the library has a no talking policy and in order to practise our presentation we’d have to rehearse out loud…” She stuttered a little trailing off uncertainly. There was a type of fragility to her voice that Fatou had still not gotten used to and it confused the hell out of her. Of all the people to be wary of, to be scared of, why her?

What could Fatou possibly do to hurt someone that spent so much of their time acting untouchable?

Fatou could tell she didn’t want to feel like a burden, so she answered reassuringly. “Yeah sounds great, we can go to mine after school tomorrow?”

The corners of her mouth turned up slightly. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

Fatou closed her locker door just when an obnoxious voice called for Kieu My.

“Q! We’re running late for the bus come on!” Ismail stood to the side waiting for her. “Hey turtle girl how’s it going?” He asked Fatou with a wink. She rolled her eyes on reflex and ignored him.

“Okay. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?” Her voice was gentle, the question meant only for her ears.

“Yep.” Fatou nodded in affirmation. Kieu My bit her lip then started to walk towards Ismail. As she turned, Fatou noticed the strangest thing. Her back was straighter, her expression fell naturally to relaxed and confident. She stood tall and self-assured as she walked past the throng of people exiting their classes, to Ismail. Her voice was steady and calm, nothing like the way she had tentatively asked to see Fatou tomorrow. She had just watched her turn back into the ice queen Kieu My.       

 So who had she been talking to?

“Hey guys, where does this go?” In Mailin’s hand was a small clay doll, deformed and grotesque. She was eyeing it fearfully.

“I think you should put it in your bedroom.” Ava replied, smiling when Mailin shuddered at the suggestion.

They were all back once again in their prison or recreational hang out space as Fatou had coined it. They met up on the pretence of work but after a few hours ended up relaxing. Nora was now doodling on a drawing pad, disembodied arms and torso’s staring up at her. Ava was lounging on the couch with a mask on her head, her excuse being that the stress of exams had earned her a well-deserved nap. Fatou had long since given up any hopes of tidying the storage room and had proceeded to scroll through her phone, looking at funny memes to post to her Instagram account. Mailin was the only one left checking the inventory.

“It’s not that bad it looks kind of cute.” Fatou tilted her head looking at the doll from another angle.

“Fatou, you find everything scary cute.” Mailin retorted. Ava laughed in agreement.

“That’s not true! Just because I like snakes too doesn’t mean I like all scary things! I hate horror movies.” She began.

“Oh that’s true I forgot about that! You’re the only person with common sense like me…” Mailin claimed. This naturally began a very heated debate with Ava, being the huge horror movie fan she was. Nora occasionally chimed in to agree with her, while Mailin and Fatou were adamant in their refusal to watch them.

Their friendly debate was interrupted by a text from Nora’s phone accompanied by a loud sigh.

“What’s up?” Ava questioned. Nora stared at her phone before replying.

“Zoe just texted. Ismail is throwing a party and apparently we’re all invited…”

“Huh? Why?” Mailin asked.

“Apparently this is his way of apologising for gate crashing our new years party and not helping with the clean-up.” Nora put her phone away and rolled her eyes a little.

Ava shook her head in anger. “Wow! What a way to make it up to us. How arrogant do you have to be to invite someone to a party as a way of apologising? Does he think he’s that fucking cool that letting us in on his parties is all it takes?”

“Yeah that does sound really presumptuous.” Nora agreed wholeheartedly.

“Well if you guys aren’t going I’m not going…I literally don’t know any of them.” Mailin pointed out unbothered. Just as Fatou was about to respond her phone buzzed.

Hey Maike’s mum how’s it going? 😊

She stared in confusion. Usually whenever Ismail texted, it was because he needed something from her.

What do you want?

Straight to the point I see…no small talk with you.

Okay so I’m throwing a party this weekend and I invited you and your friends to come if you wanted to. I think it would be kind of cool if you showed up though.

Me? At your party?

Yeh we could hang if you want. You, me and Q…

Oh! Btw a potential buyer for Maike is coming too so we could meet him at the party and see if he’s the right fit?

She stared at her phone intensely, as though it could answer all the questions in her head. What did that mean? Why did Ismail invite her personally but none of the others?

Ava noticed her reaction and nudged her gently. “What happened?”

“Look at this.” Fatou angled her phone towards her while Mailin and Nora leaned in as well.

“Why does Ismail want you to hang out with him and Kieu My I’m confused?” Mailin looked at Fatou as though she was withholding information.

“Beats me…I’m thinking the same thing.” Fatou shrugged nonplussed.

Nora rested her head on Fatou’s shoulder as she peered at the texts. “Does he have a nickname for you? I didn’t know you guys were that close.”

“Nah we’re not close he’s just weird I don’t know. You know Ismail he’s hard to read…” She denied. She glanced at Ava, picking up on her muted expression and lack of commentary. A certain nervousness gripped her before she added. “I don’t need to go, we could just hang out at mine if you want?”  

“He invited you personally… he’s never done that with anyone he’s not close friends with.” There was something accusatory in her tone, but her eyes had a sadness to them.

“Ava…” Fatou didn’t know how to respond.

“You should go Chibi, see if anyone can get Maike off your hands. You’ve got enough on your plate as it is.” There was so much resigned understanding in her voice, such a tone of acceptance and weariness, that Fatou wanted to wrap her arms around her and tell her she wasn’t going anywhere. The school bell rang, taking the moment with it, and her and the others packed up to go home, leaving Fatou aching in a part of her soul.

FEBRUARY 3rd 2021

“The answer is 4 not 6.” Her pencil tapped the corner of Fatou’s worksheet, pointing at the scribbled working out under the question.

Kieu My had come round again, this time to do their Maths homework. Despite not being in the same class, they both had the same teacher, therefore it figured that their assignments would more or less be the same. This recent phenomenon had been occurring quite regularly now that they had agreed to study other subjects together.

Fatou couldn’t deny this was probably much needed and was likely doing her good. German was relatively easy for her and physics she could theoretically understand, but Maths had become the bane of her life. Each red cross felt taunting and humiliating. She had resorted to throwing out their practise paper results before she had even left the school premises.

Due to this, Fatou had made a new resolution to try even harder, hence Kieu My’s visit. The first few weeks they had focused solely on their Physics assignment, since their presentation was due the following month. Now though they were branching out to Maths, which while beneficial was also a lot more painful.

Fatou’s parents enjoyed seeing her working so hard, clearly assuming Kieu My was a good influence. They weren’t wrong.

The one side effect she had not accounted for though, was how difficult it would be to concentrate around her. Take today for example, they were only touching in a few torturous places.

Sat next to each other at Fatou’s kitchen table, they were sharing her textbook to answer the exercises. Kieu My’s leg would knock against Fatou’s from time to time, correlating with the beating of her heart against her rib cage. Their arms would graze as one of them turned the pages of the book and Fatou would try not to shiver.

These accidental touches were going to be the death of her.

“Fatou?” A hand was waving in front of her face attempting to grasp her attention. She blinked herself out of the daze she was in and found herself looking at a confused Kieu My.

“Hmm?” She answered, completely aware that her lack of response was making her look like an idiot.

“Were you just-? Did you just zone out on my face?” There was a crease in Kieu My’s brow and she looked so adorably perplexed that Fatou wanted to reach out and smooth the lines on her face.

“Did I?”

“You’ve been staring at my face for the last five minutes…” Kieu My stated. There was no indication of anything other than amusement on her face, which was lucky for Fatou since she was making herself look like a completely useless lesbian.

Which while true wasn’t something she wanted to make so obvious.

“Oh, I was probably out of it, what were you saying?” Fatou shook her head and forced herself to concentrate on the work in front of her.

Luckily Kieu My carried on without preamble. “Yeah so the answer is 4, you got everything correct up until the second to last line, you just miscalculated a bit.”

“Right. So the solution was fine I just added up wrong?” Fatou asked, a mixture of relief and emptiness inside her.

“Yep, pretty much so I think you’d probably get a few marks for working out but not full.” The silence that ensued must have spoken volumes because Kieu My then added. “You did really well though, this is a simple mistake, super easy to fix so you don’t have to worry.” She smiled reassuringly.

That was the problem though. A lifetime of simple mistakes wasn’t something she could fix, and that familiar panic was beginning to resurface. The rising suffocation that resulted from her realising her best was never good enough.

“Maybe we should take a small break. I’ve got my laptop we could watch some Netflix in my room?” Fatou suggested abruptly. Kieu My looked at her for a moment, a flash of concern on her face, before agreeing.

They made their way up to her bedroom which Fatou really hadn’t stopped to consider because she couldn’t remember the last time she had tidied her room. She didn’t know much about Kieu My’s home environment, never having gone to the place herself, but she could imagine the girl was incredibly organised. Judging from the coloured binders and meticulous notes she brought to Fatou’s home every week.

However she thought Kieu My would react didn’t prepare her at all for the unbridled fascination with which she regarded her personal space.

She eyed all the random possessions around her with such acuteness it felt as though her vision were x-ray. There was a clinical precision to how she viewed each part of her room, as though if she stared hard enough, she would be able to gather every detail. Gleam every secret.

Fatou personally didn’t understand what all the fuss was about, but it made her feel warm in a way she couldn’t quite describe, to see someone this invested by something so trivial. Just because it was hers.

Kieu My wondered about her room while Fatou checked on Maike, offering her some food to keep her sated. Fatou stood up, about to ask her whether she wanted to be formally introduced, when she noticed Kieu My’s eyes on her ceiling.

The pure awe and wonder on her face as she gazed up at the stars in Fatou’s room hit her like an epiphany. This person in front of her right now? This was the real Kieu My. The one that wanted to go to Mars. There was such childlike innocence to the way she stood that almost immediately Fatou could picture a little girl staring up at the night sky the same way. Wishing on a star.

Kieu My turned to face her as though she could read her thoughts, and when she saw Fatou still staring at her, she ducked her head shyly and went to get the laptop visible on Fatou’s desk. Fatou joined her on the floor leaning against the bed as Kieu My opened the device.

“Oh you don’t know my password let me log-” Fatou’s sentence remained unfinished as she watched the girl beside her seamlessly guess her password with no guidance. She should have been freaked out but instead a massive smile formed on her face. “Have you been stalking me? Or are you a part time hacker?”

“Fatou. It’s not exactly rocket science. You spend half your time talking about Maike and you don’t seem like the type of person to take password security very seriously.” Kieu My stated logically.

Well when she put it like that she made it sound easy.

“I’ve got better things to do with my time than think of setting up insanely hard passwords. Let me guess, you probably have one of those ridiculously long ones that include numbers and symbols.” Fatou grinned. Kieu My rolled her eyes good naturedly and allowed the teasing.

“Yeah they’re usually a mix of important dates.” Kieu My opened up Netflix on her browser while Fatou internally shuddered at the idea of having to remember so many numbers.

Since Fatou was already logged in to her account, the profile immediately showed her recent viewing history. Kieu My scrolled through it with intrigue, occasionally hovering over some that looked interesting.

“What is that?” She asked with curiosity, hovering her mouse over it so the trailer started playing.

“Sailor Moon I’m sure you’ve heard of it.” Fatou had recently started to rewatch the show again and she had forgotten how much she enjoyed it.

“Sailor Moon?” She frowned in confusion.

“Oh my God. Don’t tell me you haven’t heard of Sailor Moon?” Fatou turned to face her just as she let out a guilty shrug. Fatou sobbed in disappointment. “Right that’s it we have to watch it right now!”

“Fatou no!” Kieu My’s protests were ignored as Fatou pressed play from the beginning.

***

The laws of time seemed to evade them as they sat for hours, side by side, marathoning Fatou’s favourite show. Kieu My had stopped feigning disinterest hours ago and was now no longer hiding her utter investment. Occasionally she would interject with questions which Fatou would answer patiently, but otherwise she remained silent, absolutely glued to the screen. Maike crawled about next to them as Fatou had let her out to play midway through watching. It was funny at first, watching Kieu My adamantly deny she was apprehensive of the tortoise, then slowly watching her warmup to the creature next to her. It took both of them a while to get accustomed to one another and Fatou couldn’t help but think she finally got the human counterpart to Maike in the same room.

It took her by surprise how natural it felt to have Kieu My in her environment, in her world. This girl whose days were filled with endless parties, whose name everyone had heard of, was right here right now next to Fatou. Their fingers were on the verge of touching and her constant awareness of their proximity carved a space in Fatou’s brain.

Kieu My laughed gently in response to the show, and as she shifted their fingers brushed. Her hand was now atop Fatou’s and she wondered whether she was aware of the kind of physical pain she was putting Fatou in, because her face remained completely unbothered. She left her hand there, a small act of torture, as though it were no big deal. Fatou had to tap her head repeatedly with her free hand, to stop herself from doing something ridiculous like flipping her hand over and interlocking their fingers.

Her heart knew it would be only too easy in this moment.

Her brain knew it would be only too unbearable later on.

Stuck in indecision, unable to choose between her head and her heart, her fingers twitched feebly. Kieu My, as though in response, rested her hand a little firmer on top of Fatou’s. Almost trying to assure her through the solidness of her touch. Fatou’s eyes closed on instinct at the sensation. It shouldn’t have grounded her this much, but Kieu My was giving her everything she needed yet it still wasn’t enough.

A loud buzz shattered the intimacy of the moment and they jerked apart. Her hand felt incomplete without the added weight. She found the source of the noise to be Kieu My’s phone, which was wedged between them on the floor. As Fatou shifted so Kieu My could retrieve it, she noticed the screen light up with a recent text from Constantin.

Are you still tutoring the dumb stoner?

She better be paying you for all this over time.

They both watched the screen fade to black and their eyes locked, understanding the depth of this moment for what it was.

Fatou had never seen such a blazing look in her eyes before, filled with barely suppressed rage. She was sure her own couldn’t hide the raw pain swimming on the surface and she looked away, her mind resolute.

Her brain was right all along but it didn’t mean she had to like it.

“Uhm, I’m going to go now, I need to head home.” When she received no accompanying response, Kieu My opened the bedroom door to leave. The cold air that breezed in made Fatou curl in on herself, small and diminished.

 She hadn’t heard the door shut and so she looked up, only to find Kieu My staring at her, transfixed. Her mouth opened a fraction, a hitch of breath escaping her lungs, something apologetic in the sound, before she turned and left.

Taking all of Fatou’s hope with her.

So that was how she found herself, on a Saturday evening, away from her friends at a party completely out of her remit. There was an unsettling feeling in the air as she made her way to Ismail’s place. Her intention was to find the potential buyer, suss him out then leave. She was almost fully certain this person would be ill suited to handle Maike, especially if Ismail had a hand in arranging this.

As she approached the front door, she noticed it was already wide open, a stream of people milling about in the entrance and hallways. She squeezed through a sea of shot glasses and wandering hands and raucous laughter, trying to find Ismail as quickly as possible. The owner of the party however was nowhere to be found.

The rising wall of sound was starting to smother her and as she looked around in discomfort, she noticed a bedroom door left slightly ajar. She manoeuvred her way across the bodies and slipped inside, relieved to find somewhere a shade more quiet. As she surveyed her surroundings, she felt movement against her leg and looked down to see a cat leisurely stroll across the room and rest itself on a large rug.

She had seen enough pictures to know who this was. She crouched down beside it and stroked its fur with the same softness she reserved for Maike. The cat eyed her with a certain coolness before eventually relaxing into her touch and nuzzling into her hand. Fatou smiled in response. This she understood. This was easy. Humans on the other hand? Not so much.

“Cute right?” A voice appeared from behind her and she jumped in surprise.

She turned around to find Yara leaning against the door frame, drink in hand. “Hey Yara, yeah it is. Very cute.”   

Yara moved closer to join her as they watched the feline rest in its natural habitat. There was an air of solidarity to them ever since the New Year’s party. Their vibe had shifted to something more comfortable once they had both realised they had a lot more in common than they had originally thought.

“Your song is playing by the way.” Yara grinned a little while Fatou cocked her head to the side trying to listen to the lyrics.

After a beat she recognised SKATE by BIA pounding in the background and bopped her head to the music while Yara laughed. “How come you’re here then, did you come with Josh?”

“I could ask you the same question. Wouldn’t expect to see you at a party like this. Did you come with Ava?”

“Touché.” Fatou smiled.

“Actually, I got invited by Kieu My. Most of the dance squad did. And since thankfully Josh isn’t part of the dance squad he didn’t get an invite.” Yara raised her eyebrows, a clear throwback to Josh’s awful dancing skills at the New Year’s party and Fatou laughed.

“Ismail invited me. Ava was invited too but she had other things to do.” Fatou shrugged.

“I didn’t know you were friends with Ismail?”

“I’m not. It’s a long story…”

“Oh well. Where’s our emotional support friends when you need them right?” Yara sighed. Fatou nodded, her mind on Ava, wondering what she was doing tonight.

“I thought you were with the rest of the dance team aren’t they your friends?”

“We’re friendly but I wouldn’t say we’re friends. It takes quite a lot for me to think someone is a friend.” Yara admitted.

Fatou raised her brow recognising their likeness. “I get you, I’m the same way.”  

There was a brief pause as the cat, seemingly having enough of their conversation, slinked away to rest under the bed. This went unnoticed by both girls, too absorbed in their conversation with one another. Before any more could be said the door opened with a bang, followed by drunken shouting. 

“I thought I left it in here. Where did you put it-oh?” Ismail stopped short in the doorway staring at the two of them. “What are you doing in my room?” He asked.

“We were just admiring your cat.” Fatou turned to show him, but the rug was empty.

“Where did it go?” Yara asked perplexed.

“It was right here!” Fatou stared nonplussed.

“Okay…sure.” Ismail looked disbelievingly at them. Before they could protest, he continued. “Anyways this is perfect timing Fatou I found the buyer we can go talk to him.”

She looked apologetically at Yara before making her way once more through the crowded rooms. With Ismail by her side though, the crowd seemed to give way more easily. There was clearly a sense of power radiating from him that she couldn’t quite emulate. While he parted crowds, she got lost in them.

As she had expected, when they met the prospective buyer for Maike, he had no prior experience with animals and to top it all off, was halfway stoned and unable to form a coherent sentence. She eyed Ismail with a look that screamed I told you so, while Ismail shrugged in defeat.

“I’m sure he could learn to look after a tortoise eventually? Are you sure you don’t want to give him another chance?”

“I’m not handing Maike over to someone who’s never had a pet Ismail. Tortoises have very specific needs.” Fatou shook her head, she had wasted her evening for nothing.

“No shit Fatou. Look I’ll find someone for her I promise.” There was a level of earnestness to him that she hadn’t witnessed before. Though it would take a lot more than a string of words to convince her to trust someone like him. There was carelessness in every bone of his body.

The wasted potential of the evening she could have spent with Ava instead burned through her. She wanted to leave but before she could make up an excuse to head home, he was taking her by the hand to the centre of the party and giving her a beer.

She spotted Yara some few feet away and made her way across the room to join her – a comfort in the unfamiliar terrain.

“You’re back! How did it go?” Yara questioned swaying slightly to the music blearing from the speakers ahead.

“Pretty bad. He was high by the time we went to talk to him.” Yara laughed and after a while Fatou joined in. She took a sip of her drink, starting to feel it lightening her mood.

“Remind me again, how the hell you ended up with an illegal tortoise?” Yara leaned in conspiratorially.

“To be honest I’m not sure…” Fatou trailed off. The more she thought about it the less sense everything made.

“Anyone ever told you your life is kind of random?”

“Yeah, trust me I get that a lot.” Their laughter felt infectious as they both cracked up, leaning into one another.  

Yara did a once over of Fatou’s outfit and laughed. “Do you wear the same blazer to every party?”  

Fatou smiled untroubled. “Yeah, it’s my party jacket.”

“That’s kind of cute, it suits you. I don’t think I could pull off a look like that.” She edged subtly closer peering at the design of the apparel.

“Sure you can. Just wear it with confidence.” Fatou saw her put her cup down on the table. Noticed the way it was half empty.

“Hmm true. Let’s test that then, let me try it on.” Yara took a step closer, her hands stroking the material of her jacket slightly before pulling it off Fatou’s shoulders with unexpected firmness.

She exhaled in surprise before she could help herself and they both laughed in unison, the alcohol exacerbating their emotions. She felt her sixth sense flare up as someone stared with a burning intensity her way. She turned her head on instinct and found Kieu My, surrounded by her friends, in the thick of the party, unaware of anything else. Anything else but her.

She noticed Ismail view her with his brow raised, appraising Fatou as though he had never seen her clearly before. She was now acutely aware of Yara’s hands still on her, taking an eternity. She shrugged out of her blazer quickly and handed it over to Yara, who remained oblivious to Fatou’s sudden turmoil. She looked back and found Kieu My no longer looking at her, though her expression was taut. Instead, she was staring intently at a spot just to the right of Fatou, her gaze burning a hole. She was eyeing Fatou’s blazer as though it personally affronted her.

Ismail on the other hand had a Cheshire grin on his face and upon eye contact, gave her a subtle wink.

She needed another beer.

Approaching the drinks table, mind hazy and preoccupied, she bumped into a boy already there for a refill. As an apology made her way past her lips, she noticed stringy blonde hair and a dark grey sports jacket. Just when her night couldn’t get any worse…

“What the hell are you doing here?” Constantin did a double take, eyeing her with confusion.

“I wanted another beer.” Her response was curt but her nerves frayed. He had that effect on people.

“No, I mean at this party. Don’t tell me Q invited you…” His incredulity was only growing, apparent on his face.

“Uh no, Ismail did.” Regret was flooding through her in earnest now, and all she wanted was a shred of familiarity. She wanted home. This place, these people were anything but.

Just as his mouth opened to retaliate, a slender hand clenched his shoulder in a vice like grip. Kieu My was wearing a million dollar smile, but her eyes remained cold steel.

“Constantin, Clara is looking for you.” There was an underlying assertiveness to her tone, as though she were willing him to leave just with the power of her voice. If Constantin noticed her demeanour, he paid no attention to it.

“Fuck Clara. Did Ismail invite Fatou to this party?” His voice was quiet but the intensity to his question was surprising. As far as she knew, Fatou had never had enough interaction with him to warrant this level of anger.

The smile disappeared from Kieu My’s face as she heard his query. “Yes. Isi invited her. Now drop it, stop making a scene.” Her voice was low in pitch and brusque, hinting that no follow up questions should be asked.

He ignored the hint. “Why?” This time anger was replaced with genuine intrigue. The levels of awkwardness arising from this conversation had Fatou in half a mind to just walk away, drink be damned.

“Because we like her Consti. A lot. So leave her alone.” The softness to her voice was palpable. The clarity to her words could be heard even over the loud bass of the music because they came from somewhere intimate and true. She hadn’t just made a statement.

She’d shared a secret.

Fatou could see it in the way her eyes widened for just a fraction of a second, before looking away uncomfortably. It hadn’t gone unnoticed that she’d used plural pronouns. We. As in Ismail and Kieu My.

Constantin must have picked up on this too, because his face changed. For a brief moment his eyes were blank, expressionless, as though he didn’t recognise the girl in front of him anymore. Then without a word he walked away, heeding Kieu My’s advice and looking for a girl he had no interest in.

They were left alone with each other. The silence between them heavy and solid with unspoken words and even more unspoken feelings.

“He can be an asshole sometimes, but he’s going through a lot.” Her eyes flicked between the table to the ceiling to Fatou’s eyes in a matter of seconds. Her hands were fidgeting by her sides.  

It wasn’t an apology, not even close. Yet here Kieu My stood, in public, with shy eyes and a heart completely bare. She was blurring the lines between the different layers of her soul and for the first time, she had stood up for Fatou.

Because no. It wasn’t an apology, not even close.

But it was something.

It was a start.

Chapter Text

The few weeks following Ismail’s party they had both come to the unspoken arrangement to continue on as usual. They had even started to develop a nice routine. It wasn’t quite the same as before, there were differences. Their usual rapport and light-hearted humour remained the same, but room had grown now in the garden of their hearts. They had planted the seeds and added the space for other feelings they hadn’t shared with each other before. The not so happy ones, shedding light on the darkest corners of their insecurities.

Fatou also noticed during this period, that her ability to understand theoretical concepts in Physics had greatly improved. Perhaps her calculations still needed work but at least she understood why she needed to use a specific equation, instead of being lost. 

Kieu My’s abilities had also progressed, though this was mostly in relation to her openness and honesty rather than her schoolwork. Each week she spent at Fatou’s home melted her that little bit more. She was now something warm and liquid around her, a new way of being she had never seen before. It looked good on her.

What was more, this was no longer something reserved for the confines of Fatou’s home. At school she made it a point to converse with Fatou sometimes, just for the sake of it. In between classes, during breaks and lunches, in the middle of physics. When they noticed each other, she would almost always smile, brief but warm, and her eyes stopped flitting away. She wasn’t the only one either, Ismail had also begun to warm up to her publicly. The only exception was Constantin. He had opted to giving her and her friends a wide berth which she was thankful for. It was certainly an improvement from the bullying.

This difference in behaviour was visible enough that Fatou’s friends had begun questioning the status of her and Kieu My’s relationship. She had to assure them several times that the nature of their friendship hadn’t changed. Though that was difficult to do when she didn’t even believe herself. The longer Kieu My’s warmth settled, the harder Fatou found it to resist the ache in her heart for more.

They had both always run on different wavelengths, but now they were starting to adjust to each other’s temperatures. It was in the little things. The way Kieu My would slow her pace to match Fatou’s lag whenever they were walking back to her home from school. The way Fatou never forgot to keep an extra blanket out while they were studying together because Kieu My was always cold. The way they both kept discovering new sides to each other and never judged the other for it.  

Needless to say, the studying sessions were helping.

It was with relief that Fatou was able to complete her mock exams. Especially the paper for Physics, in which she had spent the majority of her time anxiously tapping at her desk – until Herr Friedel told her off. All in all, it went a lot better than expected. Her hopes had been next to none but thankfully the exam covered mostly theory-based topics.

She had just entered the bathroom to wash her face, when she felt a tug on the collar of her shirt. A high-pitched squeal left her involuntarily as she felt herself dragged into a toilet cubicle, matched with the sound of laughter – rich and free. She saw Kieu My with a glint in her eye as she locked the door and turned to face her. She grinned in response, not sure where this was going but enjoying it all the same.

“How did you know I’d be here?” Fatou asked. She noticed Kieu My wearing identical space buns, and everything about them in this moment felt intentional. From the way Kieu My playfully leaned against the door, blocking Fatou’s exit, to the way she stared at Fatou’s hair, light smirk on her face.

“Snap, we match.” She nodded to her hairstyle, not answering the previous question.

Fatou heard the sound of a flush from the cubicle next door and had to ask. “Were you using the toilet? You didn’t even wash your hands yet…”

“Of course not, I wouldn’t drag you in here if I was in the middle of using the toilet.” Kieu My scrunched her nose in disgust.

“So what? You’ve just been standing here… waiting for me to eventually come to the bathroom?” She was having a bit too much fun teasing Kieu My.

“No.” She said a little too quickly. “I like to call it fate.”

“Fate?”

“Yeah. Fate brought us here in this toilet together Fatou.” They both laughed at the absurdity of that statement.

“I guess the universes must have aligned.” Fatou joked. Kieu My eyed her with a curious smile on her face before continuing.

“Speaking of universes, how did the physics mock go?” Her smile remained on her face, but her eyes softened somewhat.

Fatou sighed a little, but her optimism hadn’t been tarnished yet. “It went as well as it could go for me. There weren’t too many equations. More longer answered ones.”

Kieu My nodded in understanding before adding. “Well that sounds like an improvement to me…”    

“I guess. Now I just need to ask the official examiners to not include any numbers in our Abi.” Fatou cracked a grin, but the way Kieu My was staring at her, as though she had caught a deeper meaning to her words, made her uncomfortable. 

“Do you have the calculations for our presentation by the way?” The question seemed innocuous but the way she had made a connection from Fatou’s joke to her work put her on edge.

“Uhm…no. I thought we weren’t going to work on it until later this week?” Fatou asked.

“Yeah don’t worry about it, I just wanted to check something…” Kieu My smiled but it felt off, like she was hiding something. The air had become awkward as Fatou’s self-consciousness oozed around them.

Thankfully she found a distraction in the form of a text. It was Yara. “I have to go, Yara wants us to finish sorting out the large objects in storage by the end of this week.” She went to open the door but Kieu My looked like she had no intention of budging.

“Yara? I didn’t know she had your number.” Her eyes were narrowed and her voice muffled, almost as if she knew she was being irrational. Fatou shouldn’t have found her so ridiculously adorable in this moment but she did.

“Kieu My.” She said her name with a gentle softness, tilting her head. The girl in question blinked once, then shook her head as if exasperated with herself. And really that was all Fatou had to say. Just her name.

Because what else could she say?

No other name came close.

Kieu My must have felt the depth of everything Fatou had stopped hiding, because her eyes became so brown they were honey. She stepped aside to let her go and as Fatou passed she felt her fingers brush the top of her head. Her eyes closed at the touch, wishing more than anything that it meant the same thing to Kieu My as it did to her.

***

Regardless of all the complicated feelings that swirled up inside her when they were together, their educational pursuits continued. This time venturing to the realm of Kieu My’s world instead of solely Fatou’s. The first time she had met the taller girls’ parents, she offered them the flowers she had bought from nerves, and they had welcomed her into their home with open arms.

Kieu My’s mum she had realised was very similar to her own. Everything about her radiated tenderness and love, all of which she was more than willing to share with Fatou. On their first encounter her mum hugged Fatou as though they already knew each other and stood back to assess her physicality. Something about the way she eyed her, as though she were seeing through her, was so reminiscent of her daughter, Fatou had to resist the urge to squirm. She stayed silent a moment, surveying Fatou in a way only older women can get away with. She turned to Kieu My with a knowing glint in her eye.

“Đây là cô gái bạn thích?” 

“Ma! I—yes.” Fatou had never seen Kieu My blush so profusely. She wondered what they were saying. 

Her mum turned to look back at Fatou this time, and the warmth in her eyes took her by surprise. Fatou smiled on instinct and let Kieu My’s mum assess her once more.   

“Cô ấy đẹp” She smiled, an approving look to her. 

“Thanks.” Fatou replied. Both mother and daughter stared at her in confusion before she added. “I have no idea what you just said, but it seems like it was something nice?” Kieu My’s mum laughed before gently tapping Fatou’s cheek in a motherly fashion and agreeing.  

Kieu My’s father on the other hand seemed quite stoic in comparison, a stark difference to her own. While not as vocal, his obvious care and concern for his daughter was his display of affection, which Fatou found endearing.

The first time she entered Kieu My’s room, all her assumptions about her were proven correct. Every item of furniture matched the pastel theme décor of the walls, and her shelves were so organised she could have added them as inspiration for a Pinterest board. Kieu My hung back nervously, her hands resting on her desk, as she leaned back to watch Fatou observe her space. There was a meekness to how she let Fatou fiddle with her possessions and drift about her room, that implied this was a rare occurrence. It seemed as though letting herself be observed without preparation or front was extremely personal to Kieu My, and Fatou couldn’t help but feel honoured.

As Fatou wandered, she felt the other girls’ eyes never leave her face, trying to gauge Fatou’s reaction. She stopped just short of a large black poster, with the words The Milky Way staring at her in a loopy font. It was educational, highlighting every detail known about the galaxy and she was reading some of the snippets when she heard a voice from behind.

“Yeah I’ve had that since I was a kid, it’s cheesy I know.” She started at the sound and turned to find Kieu My just behind her. Her expression was apprehensive, she seemed jittery.

“It’s lovely.” Fatou responded. Some emotion skittered across Kieu My’s face too quickly for her to decipher, before she turned back to view the poster. “Which one’s your favourite?” She wondered aloud.

Her brows drew in confusion. “Which poster?”

“No, I mean which planet?” Fatou shook her head lightly. Sometimes it seemed as though the other girl was determined to misunderstand her.

She watched a smile form slowly on Kieu My’s face. “I don’t think I have one. Maybe if I had to choose I’d say Pluto, but I like the idea of the Solar System being a set you know? Everything having its own place in this big chaos of a family.” Fatou smiled because she could imagine that a family of planets would be quite entertaining to watch.

“Imagine if that were a reality show. The real housewives of Solar System Planets.” Fatou joked and a laugh bubbled out of Kieu My unrestrained and carefree.

She looked back at Fatou with a gaze that could only be described as fond. “That would be one dysfunctional family.”

“I know right? I mean Earth is fine it only has one Moon child, but Jupiter? It has like 80 different moons and you can’t be telling me they all came from the same lady.” Kieu My’s eyes sparkled with mirth, and she bit her lip as though she was holding back from an impulse. Despite this Fatou felt fingers toying with the sleeve of her shirt.

“Come let’s watch some Brian Cox.” Kieu My was walking backwards tugging Fatou along with her.

She raised a brow playfully. “Uhm, no thanks I’m a lesbian.”

She felt a soft pinch to her arm as Kieu My rolled her eyes, but the effect was ruined by the large smile threatening to slip out. “He’s a physicist. I wanted to watch one of his documentaries, it’ll help with our presentation.”

“You know once this presentation is finally over you won’t be able to use that as an excuse anymore to get me to watch all these space docs with you?”  

“Well is that the only reason you watch them?” There was a subtle change in Kieu My’s tone, a deeper inflection that she probably hadn’t wanted to show.

Fatou could have lied to win their playful argument, could have said yes but she didn’t for two reasons. One: she was a naturally honest person and she didn’t like the idea of lying at the best of circumstances. Two: she had a gut feeling that whatever she answered would be of high significance to the girl in front of her.

“No, fortunately for you I actually really enjoy them.” Fatou shrugged, allowing herself to concede this. Kieu My’s answering smile was brilliant, and it was with excitement that she pushed Fatou on to her bed and grabbed her laptop from her desk in haste.

***

Gradually, study sessions at Kieu My’s turned into weekly horror movie nights, and those in turn became dinner with the parents. Fatou had established an easy-going rapport with Kieu My’s mum instantly. Whenever she came round it became custom to try some of her food, and their natural affinity for cooking only served to strengthen their bond. It took a bit longer for her relationship to develop with Kieu My’s dad past awkward greetings and general questions, however once she had discovered his secret passion for marine biology and sea life, there was no going back.

It took some time to get accustomed to the way they interacted as a family. They often flit between German and Vietnamese, so she was always used to understanding half of what was said, but it was authentic, which Fatou appreciated.

The more Fatou came round, the more she understood Kieu My’s relationship with her parents. At first, it felt as though Kieu My seemed hesitant to share that part of her world with her. Fatou initially thought it was embarrassment that was keeping her from knowing her parents, but after enough time in Kieu My’s home she had slowly started piecing the puzzle together. The bowed hunch to her fathers’ shoulders before leaving the safety of their flat. The bruised knuckles and torn skin she noticed on Kieu My’s mothers’ hands. They were all adding up to a horrifying conclusion, which was confirmed one afternoon in Kieu My’s room, when she shared the details of the events following New Year’s Eve.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Fatou’s voice broke with the intensity of her emotions. Kieu My fidgeted with her hands a little, her eyes downcast.

“I didn’t know how.” Her voice was nervous, uncertain.

“I would’ve understood. God, I kept texting you after New Years but I would’ve understood…”

“I know. I just…I didn’t know how.” Her eyes were so wide and honest as she stared back at Fatou that she realised she wasn’t ashamed of her parents at all. She was trying to protect them. A seventeen year old girl was sat on her own bed looking at her with such broken eyes, trying to protect her family from a system that just wasn’t made for them.

A small part of Fatou knew what that felt like.

“I’m sorry.”

Kieu My exhaled. “Don’t be. It’s not your fault.”

“I know, but I’m sorry you had to go through that anyway.” It really was as simple as that. She may not have understood the intricacies and laws and policies that all led up to this injustice, but that human pain, that was something she felt deep within her.

Kieu My stared at her in quiet pondering. “You know, I’ve never told anyone about that yet. You’re the first person to know.”

“Really? Not even Zoe or Ismail?”

“Not even Finn, who probably would have understood this the most.” She chuckled but it wasn’t happy. She sounded tired.

“Oh.” Fatou wasn’t sure what to say.

“Why did I tell you first?” The question hung in the air, begging for everything unsaid between them to come out in the open. There was something private to the way she said it, like she wasn’t seeking an answer.

Fatou responded anyway. “Because we’re friends?”

The answer sounded weak even to her own ears and the way Kieu My smiled at her, proved it. Because they both knew that wasn’t true. But they weren’t doing anything about it either.

And that was the crux of the problem Fatou thought. There were just too many things she wanted in life that she wasn’t doing enough about.

***

As weeks went past, her coursework deadlines were fast approaching, and she spent the time in a haze of rushing from school to work to home. Everyone was so busy in the general flurry of deadlines, that she hadn’t been able to meet up with the CashQueens as often as before. The few times they did interact, the air was tense from everyone’s stress about school and grades. Despite this, she still attempted to meet Kieu My on weekdays and Ava on weekends.

The past few weeks though, she had felt a shift in Ava’s energy. It was subdued, even in class, and her normal outspokenness was replaced with something timid and unlike her. Their usual music jams had become lacklustre and Fatou knew something was wrong, but she also knew she couldn’t push Ava into talking about it until she was ready.

It was therefore on a cold dreary Saturday, that Fatou found herself on the edge of Ava’s bed, a cup of warm wine in her hands while the girl beside her, the strongest fighter she knew, broke down and told her about her parents’ divorce. How she felt the need to be strong, how she felt she couldn’t express any of her sadness. They stayed that way, talking, the entire afternoon, and when evening came, Fatou stayed the night – making sure to hold Ava close to her. Under the covers in the dark, Ava voiced one of her fears to the night.

“I’m scared you’ll leave me.”       

The words festered above them.

Fatou tried to look at her, but all she could see was the outline of her silhouette, the darkness too impenetrable for much more. It occurred to her maybe that was what Ava wanted. To have the protection of the night turn her invisible.

Instead Fatou felt for her hand and squeezed softly. “Why?”

There was a pause, long enough that if Fatou didn’t know Ava so well she would have assumed the other girl had fallen asleep. “Because my first home is already falling apart and you’re my second home. I can’t lose you too Chibi.”  

She heard her voice waver. “Why would you ever lose me?” Fatou asked her question as gently as possible, unable to fathom a world or a reason where they wouldn’t be together.

“You’re falling for her again.” And when she put it like that, really there was nothing she could say. It was a statement so factual and honest she couldn’t deny it to herself any longer.

“That won’t change how much I love you Ava.”

“I know. But a part of me feels like I’m losing you anyway, especially now you’re friends with Ismail too.” Fatou squeezed her hand tighter.

“I’m not actually friends with him. I was nice to him one time and now he’s obsessed.” They both laughed aloud and Fatou felt content hearing Ava happy. She had missed that sound.

“I guess that was to be expected. It’s not your fault you’re so likeable.” Ava grinned. They remained quiet for some time before she added in a shy voice. “I wanted to tell you, Kieu My apologised to me the other day.”

Fatou shifted to face her, intrigue growing. “Really?”

Ava hummed in confirmation. “She said she used to be really insecure back then but she’s different now…I mean it doesn’t solve everything but it’s definitely a start.” Fatou paused, pondering on what was said.

“How come you’re telling me this now?” Fatou asked. She could see Ava’s outline shift uncomfortably.

“A part of me didn’t want to tell you at first. I was scared it would make you like her more. But I realised that wouldn’t be fair to you. Especially when it seems like she’s really changing for the better.” The vulnerability to her voice warmed Fatou’s core and she wondered, not for the first time, the level of trust it must have taken to share this with her.

All her life she’d been collecting the shards of people’s shattered hearts and a part of it scared her, because she was much too clumsy to take care of them without cutting herself on the jagged edges. How could everyone around her place so much trust in her when she didn’t even trust herself? First Kieu My and now Ava too. It was such a double-edged sword of privilege and pressure Fatou always found herself teetering on the edge.

It felt reassuring though to hear Ava confirming Fatou’s thoughts out loud. Kieu My really was changing it seemed, and it made her chest unbelievably light to hear Ava’s more obvious approval of them.

“Well you told me anyway, and really that’s all that matters.” Fatou smiled at her.

Ava squeezed her hand and they lay like that, together, their fingers eventually falling apart till two remained entwined. Their pinkies interlocked, a silent promise of friendship in the night, because Fatou knew they were destined to transcend galaxies with their magic. With the universe as their witness, they were Magic AF.

***

Time was passing with infinite slowness, and progress in Fatou’s grades though gradual was in an upward trajectory. She had noticed the number of red markings on her recent maths paper had reduced – Kieu My’s study tips were helping – but the change wasn’t significant enough to let Fatou breathe easy yet.

Her physics presentation was drawing nearer, and that familiar panic was settling in the pit of her stomach. Outwardly though, she showed no signs of distress, or so she had thought. Kieu My was perceptive though - scarily so. Where Fatou had fallen between the cracks of the education system and people’s notice, Kieu My had grasped the signs.

They were sitting on Fatou’s bed, curled up, watching a David Attenborough documentary. She wasn’t sure when this had become a thing, but it was almost tradition now that at least once a week when neither of them was too busy, they would find a show to watch together. They would alternate what to watch depending on the week. This time it was Fatou’s choice, and she hadn’t hesitated before pulling up the first nature documentary she could find and pressing play. Kieu My had sighed as though she expected nothing less, but Fatou knew she enjoyed them more than she let on.

Their legs were brushing, feet nudging each other’s over the covers. Halfway through, Kieu My’s head had dropped onto Fatou’s shoulder, centimetres away from nuzzling her neck.

Well, that was a first.

All things considered, it seemed like a natural progression to their relationship. They had been edging towards this level of physical intimacy for a while. Starting from casual touches, as their emotional transparency grew, their physical affection did too. Upon reflection, Fatou had noticed most of this seemed to be initiated by Kieu My. Though the lack of any verbal confirmation made it difficult for Fatou to know what this meant. She had already been rejected by the girl next to her before and she herself had rejected her in turn. They were at a stalemate with neither party willing to expose themselves again.

The soothing narration by Attenborough did nothing to calm her butterflies, her stomach was overrun with them. For the last half an hour her brain had become mush, unable to focus on anything other than slender fingers stroking the back of her hand. Light enough to be casual, but too purposeful to be an accident. Periodically, she would feel soft air on her neck, matching the pace of Kieu My’s breathing. It tickled.

If the Devil needed new methods of torture, this would work wonders, because Fatou was living in her own personal brand of Hell.

She felt rather than saw Kieu My shift her head to gaze up at her and Fatou turned to listen, assuming she had something to say. It was only then that she realised they were just inches apart. Wide eyes stared at her, before darting to her lips then back up again. Fatou swallowed, captivated by her gaze.

“You’re not watching the documentary.” Fatou whispered, breaking the silence.

“I haven’t been for a while.” Kieu My admitted. She lifted her head off Fatou’s shoulder to lean back and Fatou breathed a sigh of relief. Being this close to her was dizzying.

“Why?”

“I got curious.” Kieu My lay back against the pillows, observing Fatou with a quirk to her brow.

Fatou paused the documentary since neither of them were paying attention. “About?”   

“You.” Her answer was so simple yet bold that Fatou felt herself intake a small breath.

“What about me?” She wondered.

“Tell me a secret.” Her tone was playful, but her eyes were burning with a want that Fatou didn’t understand.

Fatou sighed, playing along. “Okay. My favourite colour is blue.”

“That’s not a secret.” Kieu My shook her head.

“Hmm, let me think. Uhm Axolotl’s can regrow the same organ up to five times?” She saw Kieu My shake her head again and cursed.

“That’s still a fact. Though a really impressive one.” She conceded.

“I know right? It’s what I love most about them. Okay why do you want to know a secret so bad?” Fatou asked.

“Because I’m curious about you. You’re still a mystery to me.” Kieu My turned her head, regarding her.

“Kieu My I’m an open book. I have no mystery.” Fatou rolled her eyes fondly and smiled.

“I don’t think so. You don’t talk about yourself enough to be an open book. These past few weeks it feels like things have been about me… I’ve told you everything about the shop and my family…”

“Well, you’ve been helping me with my Maths homework, so I’d say we’re even.” Fatou joked.

“Fatou…” There was a warning to the way she said her name that made her sigh in defeat. She lay back against the pillows herself and mulled it over.

“So what’s the difference between a fact and a secret?” Fatou asked.

“A fact is something true but a secret is something no one knows about you.” Kieu My clarified. Fatou turned on her side to face her and found the other girl looking right back. Her eyes were so open and expressive, Fatou felt the truth spill out before she had the sense to stop herself.

“I don’t understand time.” Her voice quavered as she breathed life to the best kept secret she had. There was a hollowness in her chest, where she had carved the words out and shared it, right where her heart is. She saw Kieu My scan her with a confused look.

“What do you mean?”

Fatou took a shaky breath.

“Like…I don’t know. It’s difficult and weird to explain…” Fatou paused and Kieu My took this as a sign to lean closer to her, attempting to hear every word.

“Take your time.” Kieu My added, her voice uncharacteristically gentle. She felt her fingers stroke her hand once more, and the soothing rhythm more than anything gave her the strength to continue.

“I just don’t get how it works. I understand that the day goes by from morning to night that’s fine. I understand sunrise and sunset, but the numbers…I just don’t get. Like what’s the difference between one hour and five minutes? How does that work? I can never tell the difference between being five minutes away and being fifteen. Say for example you tell me to meet you somewhere at half past ten. I can’t judge how early I need to leave to get there on time.” She hadn’t planned to share that much. She felt insecure, sure that Kieu My would think her insane. When she met her eyes though she saw a look of such understanding she wanted to cry.

“Is that why you’re always late to everything?” Her voice was soft with realisation.

“Yeah…I always joke and just say I left late but the truth is I can’t judge it right. Plus, I get lost all the time which makes me even more late.” Now that she’d said it, she felt a weight lift off her chest. The solid barrier of years of shame and insecurity was caving away, and her breath felt lighter than it had in months.

“You get lost too?” She inquired.

“Yeah, pretty much all the time. Unless it’s school or something which I’ve spent years going to, I get lost most places I go. You wouldn’t believe how long it took to find your flat.” She laughed bleakly but Kieu My was staring at her with a dawning realisation on her face.    

“How long has this been happening?”

“I don’t know…” Fatou sighed.

Kieu My paused, her hand stilling, able to sense Fatou’s discomfort. “You know I think we’re pretty similar you and I.”  

“How so?” Fatou looked down at their hands, almost intertwined.

Her eyes surveyed Fatou’s face briefly before replying. “We both find it hard to say what we’re truly thinking.”

Fatou let out the breath of air she was holding. She hadn’t realised she was so transparent. She had thought her veneer of jovial energy had everyone fooled, but Kieu My was able to see right through her.

She kind of liked that she can.

That night, hours after Kieu My had left, Fatou found herself contemplating what was said. Sure Kieu My was referring to their shared inclination to be private, but Fatou felt as though there was something else she was implying. How they were both tiptoeing around their feelings for one another, not brave enough to admit how much they truly care. They were at an impasse and Fatou refused to let it stay that way.

It was time to make a move.  

Chapter Text

The presentation was finally due. Months of preparation, labour and time all culminated to this one day, for fifteen minutes, where she would be able to prove her worth. To this teacher. To herself.

The build-up of anxiety throughout the past week had her acting all sorts of strange. Like clockwork Ava could read her mind, really just see it on her face, because she wasn’t even sure she could hide her fear anymore. This radiating force of uneasiness that seeped into all of her activities, that even her family could tell something was wrong. Ilai had sent an encouraging text her way the day prior (I know you’ll do well!), and while it warmed her to see physical proof of someone’s belief in her, it did nothing to assuage her nerves. She heard Ava’s “You’ve got this!” ringing through her ears, bolstering her self-esteem, and Kieu My’s reassuring smile with her utmost confidence in her. In them.

She wouldn’t say she was surprised at Kieu My’s calmness, but yeah, she kind of was. Because the entire time she’d known her she’d never seen her act so composed. Aloof? Yes. Especially at the beginning. Then somewhere along the way that cold unattainability shifted to a vulnerable nervousness and now, well now she had so much belief, so much faith, Fatou wanted to ask her how.

And the thing was, every time Kieu My told her they’d be fine Fatou knew she meant it. Could hear it in the sincerity of her voice and the earnestness of her eyes. She wasn’t saying words she thought Fatou wanted to hear, she was genuine in her belief in their ability to do well. On days like those, when Kieu My gave her the affirmation she didn’t know she needed, Fatou felt herself craving for their relationship to evolve. To grow into that something more that kept Fatou up at night, thinking of maybe’s and dreaming of what ifs. She was so ready she could feel herself come alive with every close touch. With every lingering look. She figured it would make more sense to talk after their presentation – they were both stressed enough as it was– so she waited. She didn’t want to let Kieu My down.

She was running on next to no sleep. She’d spent the entire night memorising the equation Kieu My had sent her and really, she’d thought the weeks of studying had been helping, but when she looked at that equation she wanted to burst into tears. Because even after all of that hard work it still looked the same - it all looked impossible to grasp.

All that pain and frustration all led to this moment. Nerves pooled in the pit of her stomach and affected her senses. Fragments of voices drifted in and out of her attention, her hands trembled and her legs felt heavy. She couldn’t even appreciate the comforting smile Kieu My sent her way because her eyes weren’t able to look at any one thing for long enough. Her heart rate was increasing and she kept trying to take deep breaths to steady herself, but it felt as though no air was going through her system. The more air she inhaled the more she felt out of breath.  

Her fingers twitched as she fidgeted with her hands. The melody she’d come up with the night before playing in her head on repeat, serving as the background to every other voice. She could barely remember standing in front of the rest of the class, when had she gotten up from her seat? Vaguely she could hear Kieu My’s explanation as she completed her part of the presentation with ease.

Her eyes wandered about the room, not taking anything in. She stood there, a silent cry for help and wondered whether she’d just lose her head completely when it was her turn to speak and simply refuse to do it.

Everything felt hazy and out of focus until she heard her name from Kieu My’s lips and jerked, her head turning at the sound. All of a sudden the clarity was frightening. Now everything was too clear, too sharp. Sharp objects and bright fluorescent lights and she was aware she had to open her mouth but it felt as though something was lodged in her throat. She had to say something. Please say something.  

“In our example we want to… determine the escape velocity of the dwarf planet Eris.” She wasn’t sure where these words came from, but thankfully, blessedly, they came. Ava shot her an encouraging thumbs up from their table and just the sight of her renewed some of her vigour.

She nodded to herself gently and turned around to face the board. She could do this; she could actually do this. She hadn’t spent this much time revising and practising for her to fail now. She could feel eyes on her back as she wrote the original equation.

“With the values from our example calculation it looks like this.” As she wrote the substituted values underneath, she hummed quietly, grounding herself with the tune she’d devised when all else had failed her.

She knew what she had to do, and even as her hands shook she was able to punch the correct values in the calculator. She was able to continue on despite the “This is the most boring presentation ever” that echoed in her ears, which Kieu My was quick to cut off. She was able to keep going even throughout the brief moment of panic, where her brain had temporarily drawn a blank and she had to sing through the whole song again just to get to the right part of the equation.

The first crack at the seams, however, began with “And if you want to earn a B grade now, then let’s use a different example this time.” A disembodied hand passed her the next equation she had to solve, and wasn’t it enough that she’d spent all night learning this one?

The crack only got larger at “Twenty three minus eleven is?”

It then widened to a hole, when laughter, cruel and mocking, engulfed her senses. 

She fell apart completely when she heard “Can that be right?”

Her restlessness to do something, anything, overtook her. She vaguely heard Kieu My respond on her behalf, continue to do so in fact, but she wasn’t paying attention. Her eyes stared at the board, unseeing. The voices faded out as the pounding of her own heart got louder and a frantic desperation seized her. Her hands rewrote the equation of their own accord - disjointed and unsure – before she heard Herr Friedel’s voice in the background trying to get her to stop.

Her gaze was blank as the rest of the world moved on without her. Everything always moved on without her. She stared at the wreckage she had caused, the absolute failure of her work, and felt her heart break apart in her chest. Even when she’d tried, even when she’d put the work in and done her very best –

It still wasn’t good enough.

The absolute certainty of this hit her like a freight train. Everything in her stopped trying once that realisation came crashing down. Fatou turned to Kieu My with a look so beseeching, because she knew how much the other girl cared about her grades, about doing well, about making her parents proud. Not that Kieu My had outright said any of those things, but she didn’t have to. She was just one more person to add to the list of those Fatou had disappointed.  

“I’m sorry.” She needed her to know that much, at least.

Her footsteps echoed across the empty hallway, her body hiccupping from the sobs that overwhelmed her. She needed to get out of here, she needed to leave. She couldn’t let anyone see her like this. She needed –

“Fatou!” She knew whose voice that was but she couldn’t deal with this right now, she couldn’t face her.  

“Fatou!” It was the panic in her name that made her finally stop running away. Even at her worst she didn’t want Kieu My to sound like that. She stilled, her back to Kieu My, her back to the rest of the world and its expectations.

“What happened?” And the words surrounded her, beat into her skull. What had happened? She’d freaked out obviously. But it was more insidious than that, because the reason she’d left, the reason she’d given up and fallen apart, was because she’d finally understood her place. She thought if she’d just worked hard enough, she’d be able to get through school and get her Abi. But life had put her in her place. Her teachers had put her in her place, and so had everyone else in that classroom that had othered her as something humiliating and different by laughing at her.

The words bubbled up inside her as she was flooded with bitterness and embarrassment.

“I’m just stupid okay?” The truth enclosed them, trapping Fatou in her own shame as she stared longingly at Kieu My, wanting her to tell Fatou what she desperately needed to hear.  

Kieu My tried, she tried so hard, but it was impossible to reach Fatou when all she could feel was years of built-up inadequacy and self-reproach pounding through her veins. Reminding her why she could never be enough despite her attempts to prove otherwise. This more than anything became the stimulus to everything she said next. About her being the only one drowning while everyone else got to float through their classes, about her surprise at even being able to attend the oberstufe with her grades.

Kieu My stood there, eyes widened in surprise and voice gentle as she attempted to comfort Fatou. But something shattered inside her when she heard. “You’re just a little different. That’s not a bad thing.”

Because hearing the pity in her voice led her to understand something with frightening clarity. This studying partnership that had become the foundation of their relationship, that had made Fatou fall for her all over again, had in fact been Kieu My tutoring her this entire time. This wasn’t a partnership at all.

It was charity.

“Isn’t it?” Fatou jerked back from Kieu My’s hand, which had been stroking her arm tenderly. “There’s a reason why Constantin said I’m blazed out of my brain and you never said anything back. You’re too much of a coward to tell me that I’m not good enough for you. You deserve to be with someone you don’t have to be ashamed of.” And this time when Fatou’s eyes pleaded with Kieu My to say something, to say anything, all she could hear was her deafening silence. Her eyes screamed with emotion but her voice remained mute.

So when Ava sidled up next to them with an expression full of concern, Fatou didn’t hesitate to go home with her. Because the girl she would have liked to go home with, was still stood in the middle of an empty school hallway – silent and alone.   

***

“Do you want some milkshake and fries?”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Do you want to watch something?”

Fatou shook her head. She was bundled up under her duvet, curled into a foetal position – her body’s natural attempt at protecting her from the crushing weight of the outside world. Her head was under the covers so she could only see Ava’s silhouette from the light peeking in from her windows. She heard her sigh forlornly and bit back an apology. She didn’t want her friend to have to look after her like this when she already had so much to deal with.

She heard a soft “If you ever want to talk I’m here Fatou.” Before the door closed shut with a quiet snap. She let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding and shifted under the covers onto her back. There was a rustling from beside her which she knew to be Maike moving around in discomfort – it was almost time for hibernation. She felt the same way. A part of her – which was growing larger and larger each day – had always had a fascination with the concept of hibernating. This idea of being able to hide away when the adverse conditions of the outdoors got too harsh or extreme appealed to her greatly. To have a safe space to just exist when the rest of the world was hellbent on destroying you made her wish more than once that she’d been born an animal. She almost envied the tortoise during this time, because while Maike got to retreat into her shell, Fatou had to face everyone after one of the worst experiences of her life.

Her thoughts wondered from tortoises to Axolotls, drawing up comparisons for both. One she related to, the other she aspired to be. Growing up she had always thought Axolotl’s were creatures to be admired – worth admiring – especially for their almost supernatural ability to regenerate limbs. She had used that fact as a mantra to get her through some of the toughest instances in her life, used it as a metaphor for herself. But the older she got the more she realised she was never an Axolotl to begin with. Because she’d tried to regenerate– countless times. Every insult thrown her way at school was a broken rib, every teacher who’d humiliated her was a broken spirit and every moment of disbelief her parents expressed was a broken heart. In the beginning it was easy enough to regrow them, by reminding herself of who she was, of her identity without the grades and the certificates. But the more it happened, the longer it took to heal her bruises, and now she was stuck with a heart full of scars.

Maybe tortoises had it right, sheltering themselves from the harsh realities of winter and conserving their energy. Perhaps she ought to do the same. She was already planning on bunking school the next day but that solidified it further in her mind. She didn’t want to face the rest of the world with her pain still so raw and open. Therefore, it was with the slight comfort of knowing she would at least have Friday and the weekend to herself, that she drifted off to sleep, suddenly feeling unbelievably tired. Though she had the feeling her exhaustion had nothing to do with her lack of sleep.     

***

The stormy grey of the afternoon sky greeted her, as Fatou opened the latch to her window and climbed onto her roof, earbud in one hand and blanket in the other. She had spent the morning hours with Ilai - who had immediately noticed her downtrodden mood - and instead of chastising her like she’d expected, once she’d informed him of how badly the presentation had gone, had made her a mug of hot chocolate and recalled his most recent university exam, which according to him had gone abysmally – despite the effort he’d put in.

It was a tender moment of shared heartbreak for the siblings, who had both failed to recognise each other’s struggles, but in confiding in one another, had begun the process of healing. Though the hurt was still fresh for Fatou, she was thankful for the opportunity to grow closer to her brother. She had spent her entire life believing that despite their shared upbringing, he was the one that had managed to figure life out, while she was left floundering and confused. However, the way Ilai had torn apart his perfect academic image and shown his true self, in order to help Fatou in a moment of need, made her respect for him grow in a way she had never expected it to.

She settled down on the roof, trying to get into a comfortable position and cocooned herself in her blanket made of stars. While talking about it to Ilai had certainly helped, she was still utterly miserable as she placed her earphones in and pressed play on her specially curated playlist, reserved for the days when her thoughts only focused on all the ways she went wrong. She let the music wash over her, cleansing in the therapeutic way it released all the pent-up emotions within her.

Ever since childhood Fatou had always felt everything too intensely. It was part of the reason she had stood out at school from her peers, who used to mock her for her emotional maturity. She never regretted her capacity to feel, because she was old enough to know the repercussions of not expressing yourself. It didn’t make it any easier though, on days like this, when all she wanted was numbness from her pain and what she got instead was the acute sensation of her heart tearing itself apart. Rhythmically in sync to the beat of the song playing through her ears, her thoughts cycled through all the ways she had failed, from every small test to her mock exams, finally reaching the crescendo of this physics presentation.

She felt the tears drop as her phone buzzed with an unexpected notification. She found a text from Kieu My:

Where are you right now? Let’s talk please

Coming over now

Truthfully, she hadn’t spared much thought to Kieu My given her state of self-flagellation. She had said what she felt and assumed that she had ruined whatever good thing the two of them had together with her blatant honesty.

She eyed the text briefly before opening up a search engine and continuing with her downward spiral, typing:

When are you stupid?

The results that appeared were useless for the most part. No website could truly tell her what she was struggling with, but she clicked on a link that invited her curiosity anyway. It was a quiz with a series of numerical questions and she blinked trying to focus, but her current emotional state had her feeling even worse than before she’d searched online. She shook her head at herself in disappointment once more, when she was distracted by another text on her phone.

Where are you then?

She paused in surprise. No one she had ever met usually put this much effort into her before, people tended to leave her be when she wanted solitude. She had assumed, with her not showing up to school, that the message of her wanting to be left alone was loud and clear. But apparently Kieu My was just as stubborn as Fatou because here she was insisting they talk, when Fatou had nothing left to say to her. The idea of meeting her now, after the accusations Fatou hurled her way out of hurt and anger, made her hesitant. She meant what she said but she knew her delivery was harsh. Harsher than Kieu My deserved.

She put her phone away and tucked herself into her blanket, seeking comfort from the material of the fabric.

“Shit!”

A rustling captured Fatou’s attention. She looked up over the edge of her roof, trying to locate the source of the noise but couldn’t be certain of what she heard. She paused her music quickly and waited with bated breath, wondering whether her day was about to get any worse. If she was about to get burgled…

An echo of clinking cans met her ears followed shortly by an “Ah fuck!” And this time the voice was unmistakeable. Pure shock registered on Fatou’s face, there was no way…

“Kieu My?” She called out in bewilderment. She refused to believe someone as meticulously thought out as Kieu My would ever do something this stupid. She paused waiting for a response but was met with silence. Almost as though Kieu My had stopped mid climb.

“What are you doing there?” Fatou questioned, her curiosity growing. There was still no response, though the cans rattled once more as if in affirmation that Kieu My was indeed climbing up the walls of Fatou’s home. She was so surprised at this sudden turn of events she forgot she was upset with her.  

“You don’t have to do charity.” Fatou called out, but she couldn’t contain the hint of a smile on her face once she saw Kieu My’s head pop up from near the bushes. She wiped her tears with the back of her hand quickly as she heard Kieu My grunt with effort, before dropping unceremoniously onto Fatou’s roof. This girl was ridiculous.

She plopped over to where Fatou sat, remnants of leaves and twigs still sticking out of her hair, and stared at her with an expression so warm Fatou couldn’t resist looking back. She was right all along. There were hidden worlds waiting to be named in Kieu My’s eyes and Fatou could see the depths of all of them, her gaze was so open.

She didn’t know what she was expecting, but it wasn’t this. She was speechless in a way she couldn’t describe, her insides melted as Kieu My continued looking at her as though she had hung the stars in the night sky. Her smile was soft yet nervous, as she gazed at Fatou with such intensity, as if nothing she said could ever do justice to how much Fatou made her feel.

Fatou’s stomach flipped, and she swore the beating of her heart had quietened, just to hear the words Kieu My was planning to say.

 “You are honest, self-confident, super funny and fucking brave.” Her eyes were steady and sure, not an ounce of hesitation on her face. There was an air so honest and brave about her that Fatou was certain these words weren’t practised so much as released as a visceral truth from somewhere deep inside her. Fatou felt herself smile tentatively, allowing the warmth of her words to heal her slowly.

Without even realising it, Kieu My was giving her exactly what she needed. At her lowest point, she was being seen by someone she cared about, for everything she was capable of and more. Something about them meeting this way, felt like a reset to all the hurt they’d caused one another, unspoken or otherwise.

There was a slight pause. “Also, I can’t get you out of my head.” The rawness of this felt unintentional, as though this were something Kieu My had come to realise recently. Fatou couldn’t help but smile bashfully at her words.    

“Uhm…also I’m sorry. For not saying anything when Constantin was awful to you. But that wasn’t about you. That was about me. I find it hard to stand up to people sometimes. If you think I don’t deserve you, or I’m ashamed of you, it’s not true. So…if you’re still interested, I would really like to be with you.”

And in that moment, the stars aligned for Fatou. Her heart felt so full it could have burst from how much love she felt. Her smile was slow to come, but when it did it stretched across her whole face, because no one had ever done this much for her.

She had originally planned to confess to Kieu My first - to be the one to break the stalemate between them. But here Kieu My was, handing over her heart once again, trusting Fatou wholly to keep it safe. And that trust, more than anything was what Fatou craved.

Because Fatou understood the animals she’d looked after to be independent and strong. But they also had this innate trust in Fatou to take care of them, to keep them safe and loved – which she needed. She spent her entire life feeling like a burden, not being needed by people and not being seen as someone that could give people what they needed in return. But when she was around animals she never felt that way. Around Kieu My she was realising she didn’t have to feel that way either. Never had she felt like less of a burden in her life.  

So she finally let loose the words that were sat ready on her tongue, from the moment she first laid eyes on her. “Yeah, of course I’m interested.”

Kieu My’s answering smile was dazzling as Fatou reached out to her on instinct, craving the physical comfort of her – and she swore it felt like home when she held her in her arms for the first time. She curled closer into her, hands grazing the material of her coat, unable to fathom that this wasn’t a dream. The girl in her arms was real and flawed and soft and so, so beautiful.

When Fatou pulled back to savour everything, thumbs stroking her cheeks and eyes gazing at Kieu My, she found her staring right back with a tenderness Fatou had never experienced the likes of. Her smile was so shy and pure that Fatou kissed her with a want she couldn’t resist any longer, hands cupping the sides of her face.  

And if their first kiss was a fire lighting up the night sky, fiery and destructive in its passion, then this one was the green of a garden, nourishing and healing in its touch. She could feel something blossoming in her chest every time Kieu My smiled against her lips. She was kissing Fatou like no matter how close they were they could never be close enough and it drove her wild.

If this was what it felt like to be loved, then she had never been loved fully before.

Kieu My shuffled closer, laying her head on Fatou’s shoulder with an ease that showed she’d wanted this for a long time, as Fatou wrapped her space blanket around them, and both girls cuddled inside the stars - two galaxies finally collided. They let their hands interlock fully and Fatou laughed, her chest light, as Kieu My mentioned how nice and warm her hands felt. Fatou replied in kind, joking about the coldness of Kieu My’s – and it was with a sly smile that she roamed her freezing hands under Fatou’s hoodie, resting them on her stomach, causing her yelp of surprise to mingle with Kieu My’s laughter.

There was a stillness to the way they sat together afterwards, both of them truly soaking each other in, able to bask in the freedom of their emotions – no longer holding back. She wasn’t sure how long they stayed that way, but she released a breath of air, feeling truly content for the first time in a while. The quiet between them was peaceful, pensive almost, both of them reminiscing on all it took to get them here.

Fatou interrupted it with a question still plaguing her. A smile played on the edge of her lips as she considered the lengths Kieu My had gone to for her. “Did you seriously climb over the hedge?”  

Kieu My glanced up at her briefly before answering, “there were so many thorns” and closing her eyes, snuggling into Fatou, as though trying to block the memory. Despite the obvious hardship it had taken her, there was still a smile peeking through Kieu My’s face as she nuzzled further against Fatou – as though nothing gave her more joy than being close to her.

Fatou cooed sympathetically as she gently stroked Kieu My’s head, trying to contain how wide her smile was at the antics of the girl beside her.

And this time when she felt Kieu My shift her head to look up at her – eyes soft and clearly wanting attention, Fatou met her gaze with a smile – both of them finally on the same page. It was with total freedom that Kieu My was finally able to act on her impulses, as she guided Fatou’s lips to her own unable to deny the urge any longer. Her fingers stroked Fatou’s face, her touch feather-light, her kiss soft and slow, as though trying to preserve the delicateness of this moment. Fatou kissed the top of her head and sighed in contentment.

She always had a feeling her roof was magical but never had she been more certain of this than now, with Kieu My at her side – her weight grounding and real. Fatou was no longer untethered, she knew she could go anywhere and explore the wonders of the universe without getting lost, because now she knew her way back home.  

Chapter Text

Time had always been an enigma to Fatou. Even the concept of it sometimes bore a sinking feeling in her stomach. Its nature was all encompassing, blessing Fatou with unforgettable moments. Yet time was also the thief that stole her memories. They would sift out of her brain like water trickling through her fingers and it was with awe that she came to the realisation she had been dating Kieu My for almost six months.

Six months of being her girlfriend and still the term felt foreign on her tongue. She felt lucid, as if she were living in a dream world with her very own dream girl and any moment now, she’d have to wake up and continue with her life before. But they only blossomed as time gave them space to grow, both individually and together - like two parts of the same flower. As it turned out, dating Kieu My wasn’t so different from being friends with her, bar a few key things perhaps.

The light-hearted nature to their relationship – the very core of their bond - was ever present and unchanged, always an undercurrent of humour in their interactions. Now however, Kieu My laughed with her whole being at Fatou’s dorky jokes, regardless of whether they were made in private or otherwise. She was doing that more now a days. Merging all the different boundaries she had placed on herself so that she existed as one whole instead of multiple parts.

She was becoming transparent.

And Fatou in turn found herself trying to bring out that smile every day, be it through cracking a joke, or performing silly love songs. To her constant surprise, it worked every time and the soaring feeling in her chest would accompany Kieu My’s laugh like the harmony to her favourite song. There was something natural to them – unthought and innate that felt as easy as breathing to Fatou. Being in a relationship wasn’t hard really, not when her heart had Kieu My’s name written all over it.

It was inevitable being with her, like shade on a hot summers’ day. There was such a feeling of destiny to them that Fatou experienced flashes of déjà vu as if their story had been fated. Nostalgia seeped through her bones as they ran through the city hand in hand, laughing at how they started and where they ended up. Kissing in the middle of the street they first truly met, the rest of the world surrounding them. Their love escaped the confines of their hearts, existing in the physical matter around them. A symbol of their relationship tangible in every place they’d been.

So yes, in many ways everything was still the same. But the biggest difference, was the righteousness that filled her veins when they were together. Because this? This was true. This was what they were destined for all along, their friendship simply serving as a steppingstone to get them there. Sometimes Fatou would mention it too, this out of world feeling she got, as if they were made for each other.

“It’s like we’re soulmates” she’d say, when Kieu My brought her favourite combination of milkshake and fries without even knowing Fatou was having a rough day.

“Seriously the universe must have aligned for us” she’d continue, when Kieu My excitedly explained her favourite physics concept, inadvertently helping Fatou complete her homework.

“How can you even deny it at this point?” Fatou would grin, dimples popping as Kieu My brought over her favourite takeaway paired with Planet Earth reruns for their date night. Kieu My would roll her eyes fondly at these declarations but no denial ever crossed her lips.

Because they both knew there was something imminent about them. Like their story was written in the stars.

***

After confessing their feelings for one another, the rest of the evening was spent cuddling and watching as the sun set, bleeding a deep orange on her roof. There was something like stardust in the air, the magic of their union undeniable. As day turned gradually to night, the stars twinkled in greeting, and Kieu My rattled off facts about the moon that was bathing them in its cool glow. Fatou for her part, pointed out the various constellations she had learned over the years. She regaled Kieu My with astrological knowledge, explaining her zodiac sign with unnecessary depth.

To Kieu My’s credit, she listened engrossed, eyes never leaving Fatou’s face, her attention undivided.

“So…if I’m a Scorpio and you’re a Gemini how compatible does that make us?” Her question was throwaway and her gaze fond as Fatou paused, considering the query.

“Well… I guess on the surface not very. I mean our signs don’t usually get along to be honest. Scorpio’s can be kind of serious and Gemini’s can be too impulsive…”

“That doesn’t sound promising…we’re basically opposites.” Kieu My’s tone was light but the slight frown on her face gave her away. Her brows furrowed in tension, evidence of her displeasure. She looked away, eyes landing on the trees beyond. Fatou smiled at her softly before tucking her hair gently behind her ear and using Kieu My’s distraction to tickle her side.  

“Fatou!” She exclaimed though it was marred by her growing laughter.

“You were overthinking, I could see it on your face.” Fatou winked.

“How can you not?” Kieu My pondered.

“I don’t know. It’s all perspective. Opposites fight, but they also attract. I mean yeah it might be hard, but don’t worry I’ve done research.” She grinned genially at the other girl’s dubious expression.

“And you know how much I love to research everything” Kieu My finished dryly.

“Exactly! That’s what makes you such a good Scorpio! Actually, now I think about it you basically embody every single Scorpio trait I can think of…” She began counting on her fingers, mumbling Scorpio characteristics aloud. Kieu My watched with an exasperated fascination as Fatou got more and more side-tracked and decided to redirect her once more to the topic of conversation. 

“Uhm, Fatou? What does this have to do with our compatibility again?” Despite the bluntness her voice was full of endearment.

“Oh yeah sorry – what I mean is…once Gemini’s and Scorpio’s get past each other’s differences, they can give each other exactly what they need. So don’t worry that we’re so different, it’s actually a good thing.” The calmness and certainty underlaying her words more than anything seemed to ground Kieu My. She hummed appreciatively and mulled over Fatou’s explanation.

“So… what you’re saying is they’re the perfect balance?” Her eyes burned like the glowing embers of a dying fire, a question in her gaze. There was doubt hidden in her voice somewhere. That need for verbal reassurance that presented itself as a test in a question. And unbeknownst to her, Fatou had always passed those tests with flying colours.

“Exactly. We balance each other out don’t you-” Fatou never got to finish her question, the rest of her words dying on her tongue as Kieu My kissed her with wanton need. Her hands roamed over Fatou’s body, setting each nerve ending alight and she tilted her head to deepen their kiss, noses grazing, and cheeks flushed. Despite being pressed up against each other nothing felt close enough.

As darkness arrived in earnest, bringing the cold with it, they broke apart and stumbled into the warm shelter of Fatou’s room. They fell onto her bed with the type of heady recklessness that came from all the months they had spent holding back.

Giggles interrupted their kisses as their hands slowed down, less desperate now that they knew they could dedicate the whole night to each other. She felt intoxicated, drunk off of Kieu My’s lips, mind hazy with want in a way that was unfamiliar yet refreshing at the same time. Her movements were slow and languid, the desire to bask in this moment overtaking all other needs. She wanted to cherish every minute that she got to spend in the arms of a girl that made her feel whole. Kieu My though was all passion, her fingers scratching at Fatou’s shoulder blades in a way that made her shudder, and a mouth that was insistent in worship of her. The only times they separated were to remove each other’s clothes. And with every layer of clothing gone, was another layer of intimacy added, till they both shone radiant in their bareness.

Broken conversation drifted around them, as they gave voice to their wants under the safety of Fatou’s covers.   

She realised Kieu My was muttering something as she pressed kisses down Fatou’s neck.

“I’ve wanted this for so long.” Her words floated to Fatou’s ears, taking a moment to register, before her eyes fluttered open at Kieu My’s admission.

“How long?” Fatou asked.

“Hmm?” Kieu My pulled back to look at her with warmth in her eyes.

“How long have you wanted this?” Fatou’s smile was tentative as she broached the subject she was most curious about.

“Too long. At least months if not more.” Kieu My hummed casually, completely unaware of the effect this had on her heartbeat. Her usual steady pulse spiked, and her heart pounded too loudly. Each beat chanting the same words over and over. A truth that she then held gently to herself, just to feel its weight, before breathing it out as a confession as she stared in wonder at the girl in front of her.

“I’ve wanted this longer.” Fatou whispered. There was no malice or upset in her tone, just pure love. One that made Kieu My pause, despite the scepticism that skittered across her face at first.

“Really?” She matched Fatou’s whisper, the air too delicate for anything louder.

Fatou heard the silent question unasked and responded “For years” with total conviction, and by the way her eyes widened in the darkness Fatou could tell she finally believed her.

Kieu My shook her head in amazement. “We really are useless, aren’t we?” There was something freeing about the way their laughter finally bubbled out of them - uncontrolled, raw in a way that soon left them in tears.  

How long had they spent tiptoeing around each other when all along they were meant to collide?  

Being together in this way felt right. She found home in the taste of Kieu My’s lips and in the curves of her body. At some point during the night, with the lights off and their bodies pressed tight, Fatou pulled back and asked. “Wait so – does that mean we’re dating now?”

Kieu My groaned into her chest at the loss of contact and answered. “Yes, for the love of God yes we’re girlfriends. Now can we please continue where we left off?” Her hands slid to the back of Fatou’s neck with fervour as she pulled her back in so Fatou could carry on with the hickey she’d started.

She complied gladly.

***

Dating Kieu My was also a constant learning curve, she had realised. She was mystery and intrigue. If Kieu My was an unknown planet then Fatou was the scientist made to discover her. All her bumps and ridges. Her atmosphere. Every day was a new revelation, from her favourite snack – chocolate pretzels - to her preferred mode of physical contact (hand holding). It was exciting weaving the different coloured threads of her together, to form a tapestry of who she was and who she wanted to be.

There was privilege in being privy to Kieu My’s most intimate thoughts and deepest desires. A beauty in the way she expressed herself and everything she wanted out of life that left Fatou breathless sometimes. Breathless in a way that left her needing more, like oxygen to her lungs too much was never enough.

Regardless, it wasn’t without its hardships. It certainly wasn’t easy, to know a person so intimately when hidden meanings and secrets tinged the end of Kieu My’s words. It wasn’t intentional but it was there hanging on the surface of their relationship – an unwanted intruder. The only combat to this Fatou had realised, was time and patience. And she was willing to wait as long as she needed to, because while it wasn’t easy, it was always worth it.

There were times when Kieu My was an open book, her face a canvas for all the emotions she couldn’t hide. Like her jealousy. It was glaringly obvious and incredibly endearing. On the few occasions they were at the same party together, and another girl was talking to Fatou with an overt friendliness that belied innocence, Kieu My was surprisingly possessive, her hands claiming Fatou as her own and her voice sharp. The icy persona she had shed making a brief comeback to let whoever was flirting with Fatou know she was taken.

It took her by surprise initially, the intensity of it all, because after all Kieu My should know nothing would ever happen. Fatou couldn’t help the grin on her face though, when she saw her Kieu My return. The girl with the soft eyes and the shy smile who stood awkwardly, slightly ashamed of herself for overreacting. She would complain later that she wasn’t the jealous type, that she didn’t usually act like this – but Fatou could hear the implied meaning to her words. That no one she had ever been with had made her care this much before, to make her jealous. And somehow knowing that was enough to make Fatou’s smile last the entire night.

Other times however, it seemed as though Kieu My was this nebulous force, difficult to navigate and impossible to put words to. If not for Fatou’s perceptiveness she may not have noticed at all. Where it was easy to brush Kieu My off as a girl with little substance, Fatou saw someone constantly yearning. For what she didn’t know, but it was that intensity that really struck Fatou the first time she saw her. It was that unexplainable feeling of something more that Kieu My evoked in her which sparked her interest.

There was a longing behind her gaze and an unease to the way Kieu My would describe her previous relationships – if they could even be called that. An air of discomfort and self-doubt to how she would talk about her exes and in extension herself that showed her true desire to be seen and known.

Fatou had noticed the way this self-doubt made her shrink in on herself, as if diminishing her presence. The way this uncertainty had translated to her need for control - a safety net to cushion her fall. At first she had attributed this to her affinity for being organised, assuming Kieu My liked planning. Now she had deduced that it wasn’t so much the planning she liked than the way it made her feel safe.

She had asked her once, when they were both lying on her bed, tucked under the covers, whether Kieu My had ever had any serious relationships. They were both facing each other, faces open, Kieu My wearing lipstick the same shade as her heart. She had paused then, her silence contemplative, and Fatou stared at her, allowing her the space she needed to gather her thoughts.

“Once I thought that there might be more. But that only lasted a few weeks.” The silence that completed her sentence was lonely, as if saying any more would hurt too much.  

Fatou could feel the melancholy that existed in the space between her words. She looked down briefly, her eyes sad and gentle before probing the air cautiously with her next question. “Why?”

“No idea, I was very down for a while…and as soon as I wasn’t party Kieu My anymore, he wasn’t interested any longer.” Her face was empty, devoid of hurt but also of life and it was painful for Fatou to watch. Because she knew Kieu My’s heart as something full to the brim, so full of love she couldn’t keep it confined. To think a heart so pure had been discarded as unworthy made Fatou’s next words leave her without her volition.

“I’m sorry.” She hoped Kieu My could hear her genuineness as proof that not everyone felt the same way. Not everyone would treat her like that.

Maybe she did because she smiled at the care in Fatou’s voice and responded. “You don’t need to be. I felt like he didn’t really get me anyway.”

This time the quietness that followed wasn’t heavy or lonely. It was soft around the edges - cautiously optimistic. Fatou blinked in slight surprise at the shift in Kieu My’s weight as she turned to face her, and smiled benignly, forever willing to get lost in her eyes. Kieu My’s own smile widened and her eyes examined Fatou’s face as though coming to a realisation. She shared this with her in a murmur.

“But with you it’s somehow different.” There was a clarity that rung so deep in her words that there was nothing Fatou could say that would match that intensity. Instead she grinned, changing the energy in the air to something light-hearted with what she asked next.

“Different good?” She elongated the vowels and laughed in tandem with Kieu My’s groan.

“Man Fatou.” The stuffed toy hit her before she had the chance to stop it and their laughter doubled. As they spent the rest of their morning together, she thought maybe if she focused hard enough, time would stop completely and Fatou would be able to live in this memory forever. Though if forever were possible maybe it existed in this moment, because right now she felt infinite. 

***

Her breath froze around her in little puffs of steam as she eyed the building behind her. She released a sigh of relief at the trajectory her life had taken and reminisced over the events that led her to this place.

The thing was, while she was happy – unbelievably so – with Kieu My, there was this persistent doubt that had lodged itself like a rock in the pit of her stomach. She couldn’t erase the feeling, no matter how much she distracted herself with other aspects of her life, that somehow she was failing. Her grades had reached an impasse and were climbing no higher, she was still getting unreasonably lost in her physical space (a fact that was picked up on by Kieu My whenever she couldn’t find her flat) and the cherry on top was the number of times she kept running late to every social event she attended with her friends. It was getting harder and harder to deny that she had a problem, especially when those around her were starting to notice her frazzled energy and general air of disorientation.  

It was therefore with Ilai’s help in researching and her own YouTube spiralling that enabled Fatou to find the nearest Dyscalculia test centre to see if she could take the test. She had told Kieu My the night before about her plans and was met with the utmost support however she didn’t seem surprised. It appeared as though Kieu My had long since had an inkling that Fatou may have been facing a bigger problem but had allowed her the space to figure things out on her own. To which she was eternally grateful.

Her phone buzzed in her pocket, pulling her out of her thoughts as she saw Ilai’s recent message:

Whatever happens I believe in you Fafa!

She smiled warmly at his words of encouragement and looked up to find some familiar faces waiting just short of the front doors. Her feet walked over to them of its own accord.

“What happened? How are you feeling?” Nora asked.

Fatou paused, finally allowing her therapists words to dawn on her. She felt a shift in her centre of gravity, almost as though she were able to stand taller now that she had an explanation to her problems. She let this new feeling sink in, let it niggle at her self-perception before responding with the truest fact she knew. 

“I’m not stupid.” Her smile was bashful – still coming to terms with unlearning a lifetime of doubt. And while Nora and Mailin verbally reassured her, exclaiming that they knew this all along, it was Ava’s arms she sought home in first. Ava didn’t say anything but then again she didn’t have to.

Fatou always knew they believed in her, and it was about time she did too.

Mailin smiled tentatively and offered the milkshake and fries she was holding but Fatou shook her head slightly claiming she felt sick. Her friends gathered that she wasn’t in the most sociable mood but stayed with her regardless. They even managed to help her feel better by suggesting which subjects to drop and how best to approach her Abi now that she had gotten her official diagnosis.

Still the feeling of being off kilter lingered as she eventually ate her food and walked back home with her friends. It lingered while she explained the implications of her diagnosis to her family, who were immediately supportive and apologised for the way they had treated her previously. It lingered even when she arrived later at Kieu My’s home to spend the rest of the evening with her. She knew she just needed to give it time. This news while a relief had changed a major part of her life, and she needed the time to adjust to that change. Thankfully those around her understood – they even went overboard in their efforts to help:

• Her friends accompanied her to her meeting with her schedule co-ordinator to provide her with much needed moral support.
• Kieu My devised a revision timetable to help Fatou get back on track with all her missed classes
• Her mum organised a meeting with her biology teacher to discuss if any free slots were available for Fatou to switch classes

And every therapy session Fatou went to had Kieu My diligently outside ready to pick her up so they could get dinner afterwards. She even found a support system in Nora, realising their experiences with pressure and juggling time were more similar than she had initially thought.    

“You okay? You seem lost in thought?” Kieu My interrupted her from her musings as she looked up to find her waiting outside her therapists office holding a pizza box in hand.

“Is that our dinner?” Fatou asked a grin spreading across her face.

“Yep. I thought we could watch that new Filipino horror movie that came out last week.” They started walking side by side, huddling closely together against the frosty air.

“That sounds great I only have one small question…” Fatou eyed the box suspiciously in her hand.

“What is it?”

“Is that pizza hot or cold?” They both laughed in unison and Kieu My opened the lid to show her the contents inside as proof.

“Cold duh.” She replied without batting a lid.

“That’s my girl.” Fatou stated with inordinate pride, and Kieu My snuggled into her slightly at the term of endearment.

So maybe life wasn’t perfect, she still had her grades to worry about and new jobs to apply for. She still didn’t know what she even wanted to do with her life after school, but what she did know was that she had the most important people in her life by her side, the best support system and the rest of her life to figure out what to do next.

So while her life may not have been perfect - it was pretty damn close.

The End