Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

John Kramer's headaches

New Guy: Well that could've gone better

The Hoffman: asdfghjkkl

Doctor1: Wait what did the new guy do

Doctor2: ??????????

The Hoffman: Hello Zeke, my beloved, my soulmate, my one true love. Sorry for killing your father and all your coworkers. Hey do you want to run away and be serial killers with me?

New Guy: I'll admit it could have gone better. But trust me he’ll come around.

New Guy: and besides he did technically survive a trap. So lawrence……

Doctor1: Why am I always in charge of recruitment?????

The Hoffman: because I hate you

New Guy: I'm too new, I don't know what I’m doing I couldn't possibly

Doctor2: And i've been here the longest so i've got seniority

Doctor1: First of all “doctor 2” calm down, and besides you fucked off for ten years to go fight in some war that should automatically put you in charge of all recruitment for ever.

Doctor2 changed their name to medic1

Medic1: I still came first. Anyways, I'm busy with Eleanor. Y’know slowly building up to the Jigsaw reveal, not just springing it on her immediately after I killed her closet family member.

New Guy: Okay I'll admit I didn't handle it the best, but I got through to him I might not even need Lawrences help; he'll join us soon enough. What's the current success rate in getting your significant other to become jigsaw with you right now anyways?

Doctor1: Ummmmmmmmmmm

The Hoffman: About that

Medic1: Not great. Which is why I’m going slower with Eleanor

New Guy: Seriously Lawrence, I expected Mark but not you as well.

The Hoffman: Hey!!!!

Doctor1: Your response to getting a crush was to crush him, star wars style.

The Hoffman: Why wouldn't he just get in the coffin with me :(

New Guy: Wow you guys suck

Medic1: Hey even John was divorced

The Hoffman: Wow, look how hard it is to be a jigsaw killer on your personal relationships. Why doesn't the media ever talk about this?

New Guy: The media???? Hello? They hate us???????

Doctor1: Mark is just upset that the New York times referred to him as “the brawn behind Kramers intellect and Youngs sadistic tendencies”

The Hoffman: I had intellect :( Im sadistic :(

Medic1: hey hey hey, its okay you've got plenty of sadistic tendencies

New Guy: yeah you're so sadistic

The Hoffman: Thanks guys I really needed that

Doctor1: And you know,,,,, if we ever need some big boxes moved you're the first person I call

The Hoffman: You son of a bitch

New Guy: ahhahahahahahaha

Medic1: mom the girls are fighting

New Guy: Are they always like this????

Medic1: Oh yeah. All the time. I mean they hate each other. This is why you never favour one child when parenting.

The Hoffman: Hey we’re right here

Doctor1: just cause John likes me more

The Hoffman: Are you kidding me. You were never even with him. I was supposed to fully take over and I got the most hands-on training. Face it, I'm the favourite.

Doctor1: Hey just cause I came out of that bathroom perfect doesn't mean he liked you more than me

The Hoffman: Oh you son of a bitch

New Guy: Hey they're fighting again

Medic1: you get use to it

New Guy: So wait who really was John's favourite?

Medic1: Shhhhhhhh

Chapter Text

New Guy: Hey guys…….. Guess what

The Hoffman: what

Doctor1: what

Medic1: what

New Guy added Fuck it ACAB to John Kramers headaches

New Guy: Told you guys I could do it

New guy: Zeke everybody, everybody zeke

Doctor1: greetings

Medic1: hey

The Hoffman: hello

Fuck it ACAB: hello???? Who are you guys

Fuck it ACAB: is that famous dead serial killer mark hoffman

Fuck it ACAB: ??????

New Guy: well // yeah

The Hoffman: you hear that Lawrence “famous” dead serial killer Mark Hoffman

Doctor1: you're only famous because you couldn't keep your identity hidden

Doctor1: it was a nightmare we had to fake his death and everything

New Guy: could you guys not fight in front of my new boyfriend i don't want to scare him off

Medic1: You invited him to a group full of serial killers, yet you're worried that infighting is going to scare him off?????????

New Guy: fair enough

Fuck it ACAB: so is this like a cult of jigsaw or ??????

Medic1: ooohhhh be careful mark doesn't like the cult word

The Hoffman: this feels like you're ganging up on me

Doctor1: I like to think of us as a group of problematic bachelors who can casually refer to ourselves as the squad.

Fuck it ACAB: what

The Hoffman: where did that come from

Medic1: I AM GOING TO ASK ELEANOR OUT IN LIKE 2 DAYS

The Hoffman: please you've been saying that for months

New Guy: besides that name doesn't work anymore as I am now in love, I have found my soulmate and will never be lonely or a bachelor ever again

Fuck it ACAB: thats a bit quick but okay

The Hoffman: i would just get used to it that's how he always talks about you

Fuck it ACAB: well okay then

Medic1: well I guess “the squad” still works

Doctor1: no

The Hoffman: no

New Guy: no

Fuck it ACAB: no

Medic1: YOU JUST GOT HERE

The Hoffman changed John Kramer's headaches to jigsquad

Doctor1: yes

New Guy: yes

Fuck it ACAB: yes

Medic1: screw all of you

Doctor1: speaking of names that no longer make sense…...New Guy

Fuck it ACAB: what

New Guy: what

New Guy: ohhhhhhh

Doctor1 changed New Guys name to John Kramer simp

John Kramer simp: HEY

Fuck it ACAB: you are a little strange about him babe

John kramer simp: I simply think that he was an incredible man who changed the city for the better, he was a genius a mastermind a legend walking among us

Medic1: he saved me he saved so many he created an ideology that will never die

Doctor1: he shall be immortalised in our work his legacy will never die

Fuck it ACAB: ooookay??????

The Hoffman: told you creepy. Culty.

Doctor1: shut up Hoffman

Medic1: what are you even doing here if you don't believe Johns ideology

The Hoffman: I told you I’m being blackmailed

Fuck it ACAB: wow what did he have on him

Doctor1: no one knows

Fuck it ACAB: I mean it must be pretty big if the threat is being held from beyond the grave and Hoffmans already presumed dead and wanted for mass murder

The hoffman: Oh yeah.

The Hoffman: no no no it's something huge

The Hoffman: you're right.

Doctor1: aaallllrrrriiight then, back to business

Doctor1: is everyone's identity still secure

Fuck it ACAB: yeah i would never snitch on William

John Kramer simp: aw thanks babe

The Hoffman: wow are they just going to be like this

Medic1: no need to be jealous just because you're awful with romance

The Hoffman: YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING TO ASK ELEANOR OUT FOR YEARS NOW

The Hoffman: you know someone who is actually obsessed with Jigsaw and you can't land her

Medic1: hey dating isn't easy I've got a kid to think about

Fuck it ACAB: i have a son and im doing fine

John Kramer simp: yeah and I have a fake sons name tattooed on me

Fuck it ACAB: wait that was permanet??????

John Kramer simp: well yeah i had to sell it

Doctor1: you know i've got a daughter as well

Fuck it ACAB: really????

Doctor1: yeah she's called Diana she just turned 28 she's the light of my life

Medic1: wow my daughters only 12

Fuck it ACAB: my son just turned 11

The Hoffman: you know before i “died” I used to take care of my niece

Doctor1: wait seriously Hoffman

The Hoffman: yeah she should be turning 24 soon

The Hoffman: i miss her

John Kramer simp: awww

John Kramer simp changed jigsquad to wholesome dad chat

Chapter Text

Fuck it ACAB: I can’t do it on nights when I’ve got Brian but it works

Doctor1: yeah back in the middle/late aughts I always just had to hope that no one noticed how the jigsaw killings always lined up with weekends when I didn't have Diana

Medic1: GUYS

Medic1: this is it I swear

The hoffman: ??????

Medic1: I’m going to ask Eleanor out tonight

John Kramer simp: wait no way

Fuck it ACAB: really

The Hoffman: after all this time

Medic1: yeah being surrounded by a couple all this time reminded me that maybe it's time to move on

Medic1: besides Eleanors got this perfect reverse bear trap and i've always wanted to use one of those, but it's impossible to get your hands on them now

Doctor1: oh yeah there's been a real crack down on bear traps recently

The Hoffman: I swear even trying to buy one of those things gets you put on a watch list.

Doctor1: Wait, how does Eleanor have one of those??????

Medic1: oh, did I never tell you? Yeah she's obsessed with John Kramer and she makes working copies of all his traps

Medic1: Isn't she adorable “heart eyes”

Doctor1: you're telling me that all his time we could have been using Eleanor to make all our traps

Medic1: yeah i guess

Doctor1: Why have we been relying on Hoffman all this time?????

The Hoffman: hey I’m helpful

Doctor1: shut up Hoffman

Doctor1: you have a second hand engineering degree at best

The Hoffman: At least John trained me up as a mechanical engineer, I don't seem to recall him giving you any training. It's almost as if he didn't trust you to carry on his legacy.

Doctor1: John recruited me because I already had his required skills as a surgeon. He had to work sooooooo hard on you to make you worth anything more then doing the heavy lifting

John Kramer simp: great they're fighting again

Medic1: hey guys keep it off the main chat, stick to dms

Fuck it ACAB: we should really just make a separate chat for those two to fight

Medic1: yes exactly this is an important Jigsaw apprentice chat for important Jigsaw apprentice work

Fuck it ACAB: “jigsaw apprentice” thats new

Medic1: no its not

John Kramer simp: yeah it is

Medic1: I always forget you guys never actually had any contact with John. Basically he used to call all of us his “apprentices” He would normally find someone who gained new appreciation for life from his games and train them up to become an apprentice to continue his legacy.

John Kramer simp: so in a way that makes Zeke my apprentice

Fuck it ACAB: nope nope no way I am far to old to be your apprentice if anything you are still a rookie in our real person jobs

Fuck it ACAB changed John Kramer simps name to Rookie jigsaw

Rookie jigsaw: noooooo you can't do this to me the others will never let it go

Medic1: too late rookie

Rookie jigsaw: fuck

Fuck it ACAB: woah such inappropriate language

Rookie jigsaw: fuck is literally in your name

Medic1: yes but you are a child who should not be using such language

Rookie jigsaw: I hate both of you

Fuck it ACAB: no you don’t

Rookie jigsaw: you're right I don't hate Zeke

Medic1: hey

Fuck it ACAB: besides my name has a very important message detailing the bastardness of all cops

Fuck it ACAB: including William

Rookie Jigsaw: ouch

Medic1: so you guys are still cops

Rookie jigsaw: yeah how else would we know who to take out

Medic1: huh I could point you to some crooked cops to diversify your victim pool and all that

Fuck it ACAB: thats probably a good idea yeah

Medic1: Hey can you guys return the favour and point out any murderers that may have managed to get off/and or are cheating the system

Rookie jigsaw: sure

Fuck it ACAB: is it a good idea to have such distinctive styles?

Medic1: eh i think it's too late now, the cops already think there's 3 copycat Jigsaw killers the only one up we have on them is that they don't know we all know each other

Rookie jigsaw: hold on three jigsaw killers?? Not four????

Medic1: yeah im “the new jigsaw” you two are “the spiral killer” and Lawrence and Hoffman together are “the copycat killer” that’s been going all up and down the country

Medic1: as much as they hate each other their styles are similar enough that the press and police can't tell them apart

Medic1: plus they do sometimes work together. They really are quite similar.

Chapter Text

Doctor1: guys guys guys guys I’ve got great news

Rookie jigsaw: what’s up

The Hoffman: yeah I haven’t seen you this excited in years

Doctor1: I’ve got a perfect idea for a group trap

The Hoffman: I’m listening

Doctor1: well you know how I was following up on that pedophile group

The Hoffman: yeah

Doctor1: well like a respectable citizen I called the cops thinking that maybe this was too big for just me and that they could handle it, but they didn’t do anything

Fuck it ACAB: useless cops in this city now there’s something

Doctor1: yeah turns out they were in on it

The Hoffman: And this is a good thing because…..

Doctor1: well I thought we could all work on this together you know and have a proper group trap

Doctor1: I mean when was the last time we had a big good old fashioned group trap

The Hoffman: probably when Logan went after Halloran a couple years back

Doctor1: exactly I mean we used to be able to pull one of those off every year

Doctor1: Remember Bobby Dagen?? William Easton????

Rookie jigsaw: yeah I was 15 when Easton died and even I remember how cool that was

Doctor1: god you’re a child

The Hoffman: and just a little bit creepy

Doctor1: but that’s what I’m saying there’s five of us now, that’s one more then when jigsaw was at his peak back in 2007

The Hoffman: yeah we can pull this off

Fuck it ACAB: and they’re all pedophiles

Doctor: yeah and the cops are covering it up

Fuck it ACAB: okay then. Let’s do it.

Doctor1: Hey, has anyone seen Logan recently?

The Hoffman: no he’s been offline for about a week

Doctor1: and nobody thought to check up on him????

Doctor1: he could be in danger!!

The Hoffman: hey you were offline for a week and you’re fine

Doctor1: yeah but you knew I was following that pedophile group

Fuck it ACAB: wouldn’t that put you in more danger???

Doctor1: yeah

Doctor1: yeah it would

Doctor1: how come none of you were worried about me

The Hoffman: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Doctor1: you son of a bitch

Rookie jigsaw: hey guys don’t fight Logan is missing

Doctor1: you’re right

Doctor1: Logan

Doctor1: Logan

Doctor1: Nelson

Doctor1: medic boy

Medic1: what is it guys

Doctor1: oh good we were worried about you

Fuck it ACAB: so you show up for medic boy but not Logan???

Medic1: hoe don’t do it

Fuck it ACAB changed Medic1s name to Medic boy

Rookie jigsaw: he did it

Medic boy: control your boyfriend

Rookie jigsaw: no

Rookie jigsaw: besides you made us worry about you so this is fair

The Hoffman: Yeah, what were you up to this past week?

The Hoffman: cause I know for a fact it wasn’t making any traps

Medic boy: okay dad

Medic boy: here lemme show you

Medic boy added jigsaws girlfriend to wholesome dad chat

Jigsaws girlfriend: wait, you're sure this is the right chat??

Fuck it ACAB: holy shit

The Hoffman: finally

Rookie jigsaw: I’m gonna be honest here chief I didn’t think you were real for a hot minute there

Medic boy: thanks will

Jigsaws girlfriend: oh my god is that the Mark Hoffman

Jigsaws girlfriend: jigsaws most brutal apprentice presumed dead

The Hoffman: yeah

The Hoffman: that’s right jigsaws most brutal apprentice

Medic boy: Lawrence whatever you’re currently typing please don’t

Jigsaws girlfriend: Lawrence? As in Lawrence Gordon?? The second jigsaw survivor? Who cut off his own foot? He's an apprentice now????

Medic boy: well technically he’s the third Jigsaw survivor as I was the first. It’s just no one knows about me

Doctor1: huh I never thought of that before

Doctor1: yeah I guess I’m the third jigsaw survivor

Doctor1: that’s going to take some time to get used to

Medic boy: yep. So you’ve met Lawrence and Hoffman and then there’s Will and Zeke the spiral killers

Rookie jigsaw: ayoo

Fuck it ACAB: sup

Jigsaws girlfriend: hi I appreciate the ACAB thing you guys have got going on

Jigsaws girlfriend: wow and you’re all just in a group chat called “wholesome dad chat” is that to throw people off?

Medic boy: no it’s cause we all have kids

Medic boy: I’ve got Melissa who you’ve met

Doctor1: I’ve got a daughter called Diana

Fuck it ACAB: yeah I’ve got a son Brian

The Hoffman: I raised my niece

Rookie jigsaw: ooooh and I’ve got my fake sons name tattooed on my arm

Jigsaws girlfriend: oooookkkayyyyy

Jigsaws girlfriend: well I’m sorry I ruined the name of the chat, don’t worry I’ve got a good replacement though

Jigsaws girlfriend changed wholesome dad chat to the jigsquad

The Hoffman: hey that’s what I came up with

Jigsaws girlfriend: I mean it really is a no brainer

Doctor1: it is a good pun

Fuck it ACAB: oh my god

Rookie jigsaw: are my ears deceiving me

Fuck it ACAB: it can’t be

Rookie jigsaw: did Lawrence just….

Fuck it ACAB: he can’t even say it

Rookie jigsaw: I can’t even say it

Fuck it ACAB: did Lawrence just /// compliment Hoffman

Doctor1: no I was complimenting Eleanors pun

The Hoffman: I came up with that pun too

Doctor1: no you didn’t

Jigsaws girlfriend: well you’ve got him there

Rookie jigsaw: no no he’s right this chat has never been called the jigsquad before you came along

Medic boy: oh no I don’t like that

Rookie jigsaw: what but we bully Hoffman all the time

Medic boy: no not that, it’s your name you need to change it

Rookie jigsaw: why

Medic boy: cause it looks like Els your girlfriend

Rookie jigsaw: then why doesn’t El change her name

Jigsaws girlfriend: because here is the only place I get to brag that my boyfriends jigsaw

Jigsaw: everywhere else I just have to stick to war hero, genius badass and epic father

Medic boy: awww thanks El

Rookie jigsaw: you’re right having a significant other be a jigsaw killer is pretty badass

Rookie jigsaw change their name to spiral killers boyfriend

Fuck it ACAB: hey Lawrence and Hoffman if you had lives and actually dated people they could brag about you being the jigsaw killer too

The Hoffman: hey who says I’m single

Spiral killers boyfriend: please how could you have a SO

The Hoffman: wieibkdsksñwogvksowowgiñdfidideiw

Medic boy: what was that

Spiral killers boyfriend: yeah seriously Hoffman that’s not how you keyboard smash

Doctor1: fucking boomer

The Hoffman: noooo Lawrence don’t be mean to me you’re my best friend

The Hoffman: I love you Lawrence adn it’s not cause I dont gaev any orherr fweebds

Rookie jigsaw: what is going on

Jigsaws girlfriend: I’m new and even I know this is odd

Fuck it ACAB: I am so confused

The Hoffman: I have stolen Hoffys phone to bring you chaos

Doctor1: Hoffy??????

Spiral killers boyfriend: what is happening

Chapter Text

Spiral killers boyfriend: what is happening

Doctro1: no don't leave Hoffman

Medic boy: nooooo cooome back

Spiral killers boyfriend: hoffman

Spiral killers boyfriend: hoffsters

Spiral killers boyfriend: hoffy

Fuch it ACAB: hoffy

Jigsaws girlfriend: hoffy

Doctor1: hoffy

The Hoffman: hello

Spiral killers boyfriend changed the Hoffmans name to Hoffy

Hoffy: goddammit

Doctor1: soooooooo

Doctor1: what was that

Medic boy: i would also like to know what that was

Spiral killers boyfriend: please hoffy

Hoffy: I hate all of you

Jigsaws girlfriend: yeah but who was it

Hoffy: if you must know…..

Doctor1: …….

Fuck it ACAB: ……

Spiral killers boyfriend: ……

Hoffy: it was

Jigsaws girlfriend: ……

Medic boy: ……

Hoffy: … my dog

Doctor1: ?????????????

Hoffy: his name is peewee and he's the love of my life end conversation

Fuck it ACAB: WHAT

Medic boy: your dog did not type that

Spiral killers boyfriend: oooooohhhhhh Hoffys got a girlfriend

Hoffy: :| im gay

Spiral killers boyfriend: ooooohhhhh Hoffys got a boyfriend

Jigsaws girlfriend: gay rights

Fuck it ACAB: if we all get caught is that good or bad for gay rights

Doctor1: IDK ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Doctor1: ooooh maybe our next group trap should target a bunch of homophobes

Spiral killers boyfriend: HEY

Spiral killers boyfriend: lets not get off topic

Spiral killers boyfriend: Hoffys got a secret boyfriend and we need to know WHO

Spiral killers boyfriend: though great idea for a group trap Larry

Doctor1: thank you Will, I appreciate your continued support

Medic boy: I mean has hoffy ever even liked anyone before?

Doctor1: no????

Hoffy: Is this just my name now?????

Spiral killers boyfriend: yea

Doctor1: yes

Medic boy: yeah

Fuck it ACAB: most certainly

Jigsaws girlfriend: no changing it now

Doctor1: logan is right though

Medic boy: thank you Lawrence

Medic boy: about what????

Doctor1: well hoffy on principal doesn't like people

Hoffy: he's right i hate all of you

Doctor1: so how can he have a boyfriend

Doctor1: I mean the only person he's ever liked is…..

DOctor1: oh

Doctor1: no fucking way

Doctor1: I forbid it

Doctor1: fuck you Mark

Hoffy: i….i i think larrys worked it out

Doctor1: i hate all of you

Doctor1 has left the jigsquad

Medic boy: what

Spiral killers boyfriend: nooooooooooooo

Jigsaws girlfriend: Hoffy what did you do

Hoffy: I honestly don't know

Hoffy: I thought he would be happy

Hoffy: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Spiral killers boyfriend: nooooo you can't just leave it at that

Spiral killers boyfriend: I mean who is it

Hoffy: it's just this ex FBI agent

Hoffy: we had to fake his death so the feds didn't suspect him

Spiral killers boyfriend: that's a bit much

Hoffy: i also kinda framed him for murder

Jigsaw's girlfriend: what???????

Hoffy: i'm sorry I don't know how to deal with feelings

Hoffy: it's not my fault

Spiral killers boyfriend: YES IT IS

Fuck it ACAB: well you cant really talk babe

Spiral killers boyfriend: I said i was sorry about your dad

Fuck it ACAB: and i forgave you

Fuck it ACAB: its just you cant really go around judging other peoples romantic gestures

Medic boy: so is this FBI agent okay with you being jigsaw?

Hoffy: oh yeah he had this whole list of people he wanted to take out

Hoffy: that's why Jigsaw went after so many serial killer/ white collar criminals/large criminal cover ups in the twenty teens

Spiral killers boyfriend: huh

Spiral killers boyfriend: you know i did notice a slight change in Jigsaws victim pool in my last couple of years of high school

Medic boy: JESUS CHRIST

Hoffy: STOP. BEING. A. CHILD.

Spiral killers boyfriend: im sorry

Jigsaws girlfriend: so what you’re saying is

Jigsaw's girlfriend: there's someone else who has been secretly helping jigsaw???

Hoffy: yeah?? I guess

JIgsaws girlfriend: i'm pretty sure that means legally you have to add them to this chat

Spiral killers boyfriend: tbh im not sure on the legality of any of this

Fuck it ACAB: its a legal grey area

Fuck it ACAB: but yeah add your boyfriend

Hoffy: okay

Hoffy added The strahman to the jigsquad

The Strahman: this is all very illegal

Jigsaws girlfriend: awwwww

Spiral killers boyfriend: OH MY GOD

Spiral killers boyfriend: THEIR NAMES MATCHED

Spiral killers boyfriend: THEIR NAMES MATCHED I'M SO SORRY FOR CHANGING IT

Spiral killers boyfriend changed Hoffys name to The Hoffman

The Strahman: hey i thought this was just you and Lawrence

The Strahman: i thought you didn't know who this new spiral killer was

Spiral killers boyfriend: ooooooohhhh you're in trouble

The Strahman: who are you

Spiral killers boyfriend: uh hi my name is William schenk im 27 im one half of the spiral killer i'm a trainee detective and i have my fake son tattooed on my arm

Fuck it ACAB: we’re really gonna have to work on this whole secret identity thing

Spiral killers boyfriend: im sorry

Spiral killers boyfriend: he is very intimidating though

Jigsaws girlfriend: yeah maybe thats why lawrence hates him

The Strahman: awwww Larry hates me

The Strahman: why????

The Hoffman: I don't know, as soon as I mentioned you he just rage quit

The Hoffman: speaking of which we should add him back

Spiral killers boyfriend: yeah this chat is less fun without him

The Hoffman: this chat is an important prevention method to limit jigsaw apprentice on jigsaw apprentice killings

Spiral killers boyfriend: what

The Hoffman: what

Spiral killers boyfriend: this chat isn't just for fun??????

Spiral killers boyfriend: you guys were killing each other?????

The Hoffman: uh yeah

The Strahman: where were you during the early 2000s?

Spiral killers boyfriend: IDK

Spiral killer boyfriend: MIDDLE SCHOOL????

The Strahman: God he's young

The Hoffman: I know right

The Strahman: where did you even find him

The Hoffman: we didn't he just started doing this all by himself

The Strahman: well that's worrying

The Strahman: they can just start by themselves now

The Hoffman: don't worry babe, we’ll take care of all unsatisfactory jigsaw copy cats

Fuck it ACAB: well thats ominous

Medic boy: but thats Larry's job

Medic boy: speaking of Larry

Medic boy added Doctor1 to the jigsquad

The Strahman: sup Larry

Doctor1: nooooooooooo

Spiral killers boyfriend: what's wrong with strahman larry?

Doctor1: hoffys not allowed to have a secret believed dead boyfriend

Doctor1: THAT'S MY THING

Chapter Text

Spiral killers boyfriend: wait

Spiral killers boyfriend: Larry has a secret previously believed dead boyfriend too??????

The Hoffman: no way

Fuck it ACAB: cool

Medic boy: tbh if you asked me yesterday who here I thought had a secret previously believed dead boyfriend I would’ve gone with Larry

Jigsaws girlfriend: yall are weird

The Strahman: But who is it?

The Hoffman: oh

The Hoffman: wait a minute

The Hoffman: yeah I know who it is

The Strahman: who is it

The Strahman: oh yeah that makes sense

Doctor1: come on

Doctor1: how would you know?????

The Hoffman: were they chained up with you

Doctor1: well,,,,,yeah

The Hoffman: then I know who it is

The Strahman: being chained up with someone makes strong long lasting bonds

The Hoffman: and he knows that cause he’s an FBI agent

The Hoffman: they know these things

Spiral killers boyfriend: so who is it

Jigsaws girlfriend: yeah spill

Doctor1: someone who was chained up with me??

The Strahman: how do you guys not know who this is

The Strahman: do none of you keep up with the case

Spiral killers boyfriend: hey I was,,,

Fuck it ACAB: ten babe

Spiral killers boyfriend: TEN when Larry was tested I don’t know these things

Jigsaws girlfriend: wait is it that other kid from the bathroom?????

Doctor1: yea

Spiral killers boyfriend: So what's he like?????????

The Hoffman: he's just some lame photographer

Doctor1: HEY

Doctor1: Jigsaw wouldn't have been able to go after half the people he did in the twenty teens without Adam's reconnaissance

The Hoffman: you know that does make some sense, I was wondering how you were able to find out about so many messed up people

Spiral killers boyfriend: ahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Fuck it ACAB: wait whats so funny

Spiral killers boyfriend: they…..they

Fuck it ACAB: ohhhhhhh

Fuck it ACAB: aaahahahahahahahah

Jigsaws girlfriend: what is it

Spiral killers boyfriend: they both kept ahahahahha

Fuck i ACAB: they kept ther signifigant others secret so they could so they could

Spiral killers boyfriend: so they could one up each other

Doctor1: that is absurd

The Hoffman: i did no such thing

The Strahman: you kinda did

The Hoffman: shut up

Spiral killers boyfriend: yall were really going cross country hunting down the highest profile serial killers and biggest corruption scandals just to try and one up each other?????

Medic boy: jesus christ that's so much extra work

Jigsaws girlfriend: this is why there was only like two jigsaw killings per year until logan started

Jigsaws girlfriend: toxic masculinity at its finest

Medic boy: THIS

Medic boy: THIS IS WHY WE HAVEN'T HAD A BIG GROUP TRAP IN YEARS

Medic boy: OH MY GOD

Doctor1: you gotta admit though,,, that ceo who was also a sex trafficer that Adam managed to track down was pretty impressive

The Hoffman: hey it’s no long state killer that Peter found

The Strahman: no one at the FBI even believed he existed before me and Hoffy got him

Spiral killers boyfriend: wait who is Peter?

The Strahman: peter is my first name

The Spiral Killers Boyfriend: ohhhhhh peter strahman thats nice

The Strahman: no that's not

The Spiral Killers Boyfriend: they are fighting over who has the smartest boyfriend

The Spiral killers Boyfriend: this is incredible

Fuck it ACAB: wait the longstate killer was based in Wyoming

Fuck it ACAB: did you and Peter spend SIX MONTHS in Wyoming just to one up Lawrence

The Strahman: it was actually closer to a year

Spiral killers boyfriend: ahahahahahahahah

Medic boy: jesus christ

The Hoffman: when you’ve done this as long as we have you start wanting to go after the big boys

Spiral killers boyfriend: yeah yeah we get it you're old

Fuck it ACAB: tbh its probably what made the police believe Hoffy was dead with how spread out all the jigsaw killings were in terms of location and timescale it made them all seem unrelated

The Hoffman: see there was a tactical advantage to it

Fuck it ACAB: like a series of over dramatic unconnected vigilantes

Doctor1: HEY

Medic boy: how do you guys even afford all of this

The Hoffman: huh?

Doctor1: ohhhhhhh

The Hoffman: well that is unfortunate

Doctor1: this is awkward

Medic biy: what, what is it

The Hoffman: John didn't leave you anything??????

The Strahman: not even one untraceable bank account?

Medic boy: I don't think so

Medic boy: wait john left you guys money

Doctor1: a certified fortune

The Hoffman: only for jigsaw and jigsaw related expenses of course

Spiral killers boyfriend: hold on

Spiral killers boyfriend: John was rich??

Doctor1: yeah he practically built half the city

Spiral killers boyfriend: but what about the whole William Easton thing?

The Hoffman: well that was more of a matter of principal then anything else

Fuck it ACAB: well that makes sense

Jigsaws girlfriend: yeah that checks

Jigsaws girlfriend: awwww Logans upset that John didn’t leave him a torture fortune

Medic boy: it's not fair I thought I was the favourite

Jigsaws girlfriend: hey hey it's okay babe i'm sure he loved all of you equally

The Strahman: if I may interject, I think technically Amanda was the favourite

Doctor1: oh fuck off

The Hoffman: WHAT THAT BITCH COULDNT DO ANYTHING

Medic boy: I will find you and punch you i don't care if you're in Wyoming

Spiral killers boyfriend: now why would you do that?

Fuck it ACAB: what could you possibly want

The Strahman: in a word….

The Strahman: chaos

Spiral killers boyfriend: wait Larry Adam helped jigsaw right

Doctor1: yeah i guess

Fuck it ACAB: that means you legally have to add him to this chat

Spiral killers boyfriend: that's right and you guys aren't allowed to fight in front of Adam

The Hoffman: is that a rule now

Doctor1: actually yeah i support that rule

Doctor1 added Stanheight77 to jigsquad

Stanheight77: hi what is this

Spiral killers boyfriend: wow that is a terrible name

Spiral killers boyfriend changed Stanheight77s name to bathroom boy

Bathroom boy: wow that was quick

Bathroom boy: what is this is

Doctor1: it's a group chat for all the current jigsaw killers/apprentices

Spiral killers boyfriend: heyoo

Fuck it ACAB: howdy

THe Hoffman: hello

Jigsaws girlfriend: hey

The Strahman: greetings

Medic boy: hi

Bathroom boy: well that's more people than I thought there would be

Chapter Text

Jigsaws girlfriend: FIRST

Medic boy: done

Spiral killers boyfriend: shoot you guys beat us here by like 20 minutes

Fuck it ACAB: Larry have you and Adam got everyone?

Bathroom boy: yeah

Doctor1: all good here

----------

Doctor1: What a surprise, Hoffman's late

Bathroom boy: hey Hoffy are you done yet?

Spiral killers boyfriend: hoffy are you done yet

Spiral killers boyfriend: hoffy answer me

Spiral killers boyfriend: hoffy get online

Spiral killers boyfriend: come on hoffy we’re worried about you

Doctor1: I’m not worried about him

Spiral killers boyfriend: well Larrys not worried about you but everyone else is

The Stahman: we’re good

The Hoffman: sorry we ran into a little trouble

Doctor1: of course you did

The Hoffman: HEY WE DID TWICE AS MUCH WORK AS YOU DID TONIGHT LAWRENCE IF YOU EVEN ATTEMPTED HALF OF WHAT WE DID YOU WOULD HAVE HAD A STROKE

Bathroom boy: Yikes

Bathroom boy: why do you guys hate each other so much???

Doctor1: I have to he is my arch enemy

The Strahman: GROWN MEN DO NOT HAVE ARCH ENEMIES

--------

Bathroom boy: immmm borrrrred

Doctor1: pay attention they’ll be coming to our section any second now

Medic boy: tbh I expected Will to be the one texting during a group trap

Fuck it ACAB: oh no, he’s not even looking at his phone. He wants to impress you guys so bad, he’s taking this so seriously, not risking any distractions

Jigsaws girlfriend: but you two are last?????

———

The Hoffman: mmmaaaan those guys sucked

Medic boy: did someone fail the first round???

The Strahman: yeah like three of them died

The Strahman: that room wasn’t even that hard

Jigsaws girlfriend: these creeps suck

Jigsaws girlfriend: do you think any of them will survive the game?

The Strahman: Idk, maybe?????

The Strahman: these games are meant to be a lot more winnable now, you know to get the public back on our side. But I don’t really think any of these people have it in them to survive. And I think we’re doing the public a solid by taking them out.

The Hoffman: bunch of fucking cowards praying on the weakest members of society

The Strahman: there’s also a risk that Hoffman might just murder any survivors

Jigsaws girlfriend: as he should king shit

Medic boy: hey babe it’s us next

———

Bathroom boy: there’s only three left

Bathroom boy: plus the two cops that the spiral killers are adding to the game

The Strahman: is the blonde one who cut off his finger still there

Bathroom Boy: yeah

The Strahman: I think he just might get out

The Strahman: I don’t know how I feel about that

Bathroom boy: Larry told me to tell you guys that he was less involved then the others

Bathroom boy: more of the wilfully ignorant type then the actively participating sort

Bathroom boy: Larry also told me to also tell you guys that even if he escapes he’s still gonna get a lengthy prison sentence

The Strahman: Hoffy told me to tell you

The Strahman: you know what this is ridiculous you’re literally in the next room

The Strahman: JUST TALK TO EACH OTHER

———

Medic boy: holy shit

Jigsaws girlfriend: there’s no way

Medic boy: they can’t be

Jigsaws girlfriend: they are

Medic boy: hey Adam what are Hoffy and Larry saying to each other

Bathroom boy: Idk Larry asked me for five minutes alone with him

Medic boy: this is gonna end in tears

The Strahman: I think this is the longest they’ve ever actually just talked to each other

The Strahman: without throwing punches

Medic boy: c’mon El you have lip reading skills can you tell what they’re saying

Jigsaws girlfriend: trust me if I could read lips I would have been doing it this entire time

Medic boy: oooohh this is so frustrating

The Strahman: but also mind blowing

Bathroom boy: I can’t believe Will is missing this because he chose to be a sweat and focus on the trap

———

Fuck it ACAB: Will are you okay

Spiral killers boyfriend: yeah I’m just in the other room, there’s still one of the original group left so he has to go through this final test

Fuck it ACAB: man those cops didn’t even try

Fuck it ACAB: I mean maybe give them a little more time next time but I can understand why you didn’t want to give these ones a massive advantage

Spiral killers boyfriend: no it’s not that

Spiral killers boyfriend: think of all the lives they’ve ruined with decisions made with only a handful of seconds

Spiral killers boyfriend: if they can destroy a life in a few seconds but can’t save their own in just as many, then they don’t deserve that life.

Fuck it ACAB: holy shit

Spiral killers boyfriend: what

Fuck it ACAB: that blond guy survived

Spiral killers boyfriend: seriously??? No way

Fuck it ACAB: I mean yeah he’s gonna need some urgent medical attention but he’s not dead, do you want me to call an ambulance???

Spiral killers boyfriend: no, they’ll get here to quick for us to finish clearing out

Spiral killers boyfriend: let him bleed to death

———

Doctor1: I told you we should do group traps more often

Jigsaws girlfriend: are you kidding me, that took months to set up

The Strahman: clearly some people haven’t had to spend a year in Wyoming searching for one (1) guy

Doctor1: they take a while to set up but that’s why we only do them once a year. It’s what makes them special

Doctor1: you guys have to admit it was a little fun

Spiral killers boyfriend: yeah and we finally all got to meet up in person

The Strahman: that was fun and all, but we’ve really got to make sure we don’t over do irl visits

Spiral killers boyfriend: why not

The Strahman: well if one of us gets caught it would be nice to know all the others weren’t in danger to

Fuck it ACAB: fair

Medic boy: still, think about the media attention this is gonna get

Medic boy: there’s no way only one person could have done this and with the way we combined all our separate styles?????

Jigsaws girlfriend: it’s gonna be clear now to everyone out there, that there’s multiple jigsaws and that they’re now working together

Doctor1: but it was fun though

The Hoffman: so fun

Spiral killers boyfriend: ???? When did that happen

Chapter Text

The Strahman: hey guys check this out

The Strahman:

More copycats or is John Kramer hunting us from beyond the grave?

Despite being dead for over 15 years John Kramer may still be responsible for our city’s latest in a line of gruesome murders

Whilst serial killing had mainly fallen out of fashion by the late 90s one name continues to haunt the public's nightmares well into the twenty first century. The Jigsaw killer. This supposed vigilante, with an ideology so twisted we’re not so sure if we could understand it fully, even now; rained terror down over our city during the early aughts. But what made him so terrifying? It wasn't just how fast he was killing people, it was how he was killing people. When Jigsaw first appeared in 2002 it was with sudden, large and complex traps which seemed like they (and indeed most did) required an engineering degree to create. They featured extreme and brutal torture normally resulting in painful deaths for his chosen victims. Added to that he seemed to have an almost omniscient knowledge of local peoples flaws and a seemingly limitless supply of resources, the public and the police at large had no clue how one man was doing it all, jigsaw came off as a supernaturally terrifying presence dispersing his own sick judgment on local citizens. When the reveal of who Jigsaw was, finally came in the form of John Kramer (a frail old man, dying from an inoperable brain tumour) it left more questions than it answered.

On one hand the Jigsaw killings were a relief, crime rates plummeted during his era and his methods were far too convoluted for any one to copy. Right? Well with John Kramer's identity finally revealed it became apparent that it was impossible for him to have been working alone, and well…he wasn’t. Later on during the same day that Kramers identity was revealed Amanda Young was identified as Jigsaw's first helper, previously a victim in one of Kramers games he managed to convince her to help him in his twisted games. So that's how Kramer did it, throw in a crooked detective, Mark Hoffman to do the heavy lifting and you have the perfect little murder family until they, inevitably, start killing each other and then blow themselves up, bringing an end to all Jigsaw killings in 2010. Or did it?

The fact is that the previously believed notion that the Jigsaw killings would be impossible to copy has been thoroughly disproven. Despite the odd murder poorly disguised as a jigsaw killing or the many, many, failed attempts at replicating one of Johns traps, or the now infamous crackdowns on bear trap sales. The uncomfortable truth still remains, that every year there has been at least one Jigsaw killing with a level of proficiency to match the late John Kramer. Sure they've been further spaced out and no longer limited to just one city, which made many people assume they were unrelated, but this slowing down of deaths suggests more of a weakening of foundation rather than a complete collapse in the Jigsaw machine.

This is where the cracks in the “all jigsaws are dead” theory really start to show, for one thing the earliest of John's traps required some level of medical knowledge that an engineer and city developer just wouldn't have. This got stretched further when John (or should we say Jigsaw) started performing surgeries on his victims, something that I can definitively state neither John, nor any of his known apprentices had the training to perform. “Kown”. That word becomes important here, whilst Young and Hoffman (Whose own death may have been greatly exaggerated) may explain where Jigsaw got most of his information from and how he managed to kidnap so many people, it just doesn’t fully explain everything that’s been going on.

From the years 2010 until 2017, there were 24 murders associated with jigsaw, about a third of those can be discarded as poor imitations, they clearly don’t have any of the skill or theatrics that was common with Jigsaw and most of the perpetrators have been caught. (Mainly one offs who didn’t realise Jigsaw had been dead for years hoping to use him as a scapegoat for their own inferior crimes.) But that still leaves about 16 unsolved murders up and down the country over a seven year period and that number only increases after 2017. In 2017 it was assumed that a new player, independent from John Kramer started copying his style; this “new jigsaw” continued to perform his own style of vigilante justice over the next four years. Although these traps bore a striking resemblance to some of Kramers earliest work.

The same story of an independent vigilante with just a flair for the theatrics was peddled again when the new spiral killings started to pop up all over the city. This blatant denial of a growing problem of all the followers John Kramer left behind, came to a head last Saturday when 15 people were found dead in a warehouse on the outskirts of the city. The warehouse had been rented out but tracing who rented it out appears to be another dead end implying that these new Jigsaws still have money behind them. And yes I’m saying new Jigsaws. Plural. Whilst John in his heyday was pulling off a group trap once every year there hasn’t been a jigsaw trap “testing” multiple victims since Bobby Dagen in 2010. Probably because they require a great deal of resources, manpower and time.

Now here’s where I go off the deep end and this is an opinion piece so I’m just going to say it. While other articles are talking about the victims and how they died, I want to focus on the killers. I think most, if not all of them knew or worked with John Kramer. I think a couple of them were even working on their own traps this entire time and that’s why we have had a steady stream of jigsaw killings throughout the twenty teens. I think in 2017 and then again in 2021 two different killers who worked with John finally got up the courage to start pulling off their own traps, and I think through all of this they all had a way to keep in contact. This isn’t one final killer's last hurrah. This is multiple, separate killers, working together for the first time. The way their mentor always intended them to. And I think this is just the beginning.

Doctor1: LOL “throw in a crooked detective, Mark Hoffman to do the heavy lifting”

Chapter Text

Medic boy: ONE JIGSAW KILLING PER YEAR

Medic boy: jesus christ what were you guys doing

The Hoffman: okay in our defense there's a couple of kills that we’re responsible for that they didn't count as an “official” jigsaw kill

Jigsaw's girlfriend: That doesn't make it any better?????

Medic Boy: There were four of you!!!!!

Bathroom boy: well i'm sorry that we felt the need to properly research each and every case before we tortured someone

The Strahman: yeah and some of them were really far away, in terrible terrible, unholy lands

THe Hoffman: its okay babe you can say Wyoming

The Strahman: it still hurts to think about to this day

Spiral killers boyfriend: well apparently we’re good enough to make the public believe that we’re an actual Jigsaw apprentice

Fuck it ACAB: I think ‘helper’ is the word that they used

Spiral killers boyfriend: oh yeah we’re good enough to make the public believe that we’re an actual Jigsaw helper

Medic boy: oh no, please don’t start calling us that

Spiral killers boyfriend: but that’s what we do????

Spiral killers boyfriend: we help John Kramer

Spiral killers boyfriend: what more could you want??

The Strahman: Jokes aside though that article was scarily accurate

Doctor1: yeah but there’s like a thousand articles going around right now, and that’s the only one I’ve read that’s even managed to clock that Hoffman maybe isn’t dead.

The Hoffman: To be honest it’s a little sad that the public was so quick to believe that I just blew myself up :(

Bathroom boy: no it wasn’t

Medic boy: it was completely believable

Doctor1: I mean I was keeping in contact with you and even I thought you had blown yourself up for a minute there

Spiral killers boyfriend: wait you guys kept in contact during those seven years???

Fuck it ACAB: like pen pals????

Doctor1: well no it was through this chat

The Hoffman: like we said it’s a very important prevention method to stop jigsaw apprentice on jigsaw apprentice killings

Doctor1: the jigsaw on jigsaw violence was getting a bit out of control for a minute their

The Strahman: a bit?!?!?!!?

The Strahman: you chained him up in a bathroom!

Doctor1: Hey, I let him out…. After,,, like two days

Doctor1: max

The Hoffman: I’m pretty sure it was longer but go off I guess

Spiral killers boyfriend: Jesus Christ you guys were unhinged

Doctor1: all it took was one (1) mention of heavy lifting and he’d fly off the rails

The Hoffman: oh great this again

The Hoffman: first the article and now you

The Hoffman: That's. It.

The Hoffman: I'm doing it

Bathroom boy: well that was ominous

Bathroom boy: hey Petey what’s he doing

The Strahman: I do not know

The Strahman: he has rolled over to his side of the bed and won’t show me his phone

Doctor1: oh no

Bathroom boy: awww don’t worry Larry he’s been real nice lately I’d put the likelihood of attempted murder at like 20% at best

Doctor1: THAT'S STILL NOT GREAT

Bathroom boy: I said at best

Medic boy: To be honest Larry I’d be more worried about the fact that they’ve finally managed to figure out that John wasn’t performing all of that advanced surgery on his victims by himself

Doctor1: yeah I mean any smart detective has probably known for a while now that John wasn’t doing his own surgeries

Bathroom boy: oh yeah. What we’ve really got to hope for is that they don’t connect the fact that Amanda was an ex victim to the fact that most of jigsaws apprentices were ex victims

Doctor1: yeah that’s not great :////

Doctor1: but remember this is only ONE article the rest are just trying to figure out what that group all have in common

Spiral killers boyfriend: they’re pedophilles jan

Bathroom boy: do you think they’ll work that out on their own, or am I going to have to do some leaking???

Fuck it ACAB: honestly considering the fact that two cops were involved, even if they do find out about it they probably aren’t gonna share with the public

Fuck it ACAB: so yeah leak it

Spiral killers boyfriend: it is kind of insane how terrified the city’s been recently

Fuck it ACAB: yeah we probably should reassure them that only the worst of the worst are getting tested

Jigsaws girlfriend: honestly though, that is where I sometimes disagreed with John and I appreciate that we’re going after more deserving victims this time

Bathroom boy: EXACTLY

Bathroom boy: AND THAT'S WHY IT CAN SOMETIMES TAKE JUST A LITTLE BIT LONGER TO LOCATE SUITABLE VICTIMS

Bathroom boy: we’re not just going after every random asshole we meet on the street now, so it’s gonna take a bit longer

Medic boy: fair

Spiral killers boyfriend: nothing justifies a year long trip to Wyoming though

Spiral killers boyfriend: wow are Petey and Hoffy still offline

Medic boy: I mean realistically, how long does it take to plot Larrys murder??

Doctor1: HEY

Doctor1: I thought we agreed there was only a twenty percent chance Hoffy was doing that

Doctor1: right guys???

Medic boy: eeehhhh

Spiral killers boyfriend: sure

Jigsaws girlfriend: maybe definitely a solid maybe

Doctor1: oh come on

Doctor1: Pete

Doctor1: Peter

Doctor1: come back here

Doctor1: SPECIAL AGENT PETER STRAHM OPEN YOUR PHONE

Spiral killers boyfriend: wait just Strahm???

The Strahman: GUYS

Doctor1: oh no

Bathroom boy: here we go

The Strahman: you won’t believe what hoffys done

Doctor1: this is it

Doctor1: this is how i go

Doctor1: what has he done???

The Strahman: He...HE

Doctor1: WHAT

The Strahman: he… you know what lemme just show you

The Strahman:

The Hoffman @therealhoffinator: let it be known I did far more than just lift boxes for Kramer and Amanda, I'm the brains behind this whole new jigsaw operation.

Fuck it ACAB: oh my god

Spiral killers boyfriend: did he just make a twitter account in rage???

Medic boy: god dammit

Doctor1: MARK YOU FUCKING MORRON

Chapter Text

Jigsaws girlfriend: calm down guys it’s not like they have any way to know it’s the real Mark Hoffman

Jigsaws girlfriend: you know believed dead serial killer mark Hoffman

The Hoffman: thank you El

The Hoffman: you’re my favourite person on this app

The Hoffman: I’m gonna tell all my followers that El is my favourite jigsaw apprentice

The Strahman: HEY

Spiral killers boyfriend: wait, you have followers???

Medic boy: I would recommend using pseudonyms if you value our continued freedom

Doctor1: or you could, y’know not do something as monumentally stupid as making a twitter account with your real name

The Hoffman: But there’s so many of you, how am I supposed to remember your real names plus fake names for twitter????

Medic boy: it’s fine just use our usernames from this chat

The Hoffman: But then I can’t talk about Peter :(

The Strahman: you know I have been publicly dead for years I’m sure you could get away with using my real name

Medic boy: might come off as a little in poor taste but it works

Doctor1: no NO. Am I the only one who sees this as a bad idea????

Doctor1: what if they, I don’t know manage to trace your twitter to wherever you're currently staying

The Hoffman: (1) I’m not sure that’s how technology works and (2) me and Petey have tons of safe houses we can flee to at any moment if our current one gets compromised

The Strahman: the perks of being on the run with an FBI agent, you know to have plenty of safe houses and how to make fake ID’s

Bathroom boy: tbh looking back on it, you running away with an ex FBI agent who knows who to contact to get realistic fake IDs made, makes a lot more sense then “John just knowing a guy”

Jigsaws girlfriend: wow you four are dumb

———

Spiral killers boyfriend: Jesus Christ Hoffman’s twitter actually has a lot of followers

Doctor1: Wait, you follow Hoffman’s twitter????

Spiral killers boyfriend: yeah I need to know what he’s saying about me

Spiral killers boyfriend:

The Hoffman@thehoffinator: I dislike the spiral killers as they have managed to get together without having to fake any deaths

The Strahman@sapeterstrahm: in my defence 
I would say that that’s largely your fault

Doctor1: wait Strahm you made a Twitter too???

The Strahman: yeah apparently there’s such a thing as Jigsaw Stan twitter, who knew???

The Strahman: also I need to monitor what Hoffy says about me online

Doctor1: oh shit you’re right

Bathroom boy: Lawrence has just demanded that I show him how to make a Twitter account so he can fight with Hoffy on two platforms

The Hoffman: Fucking boomer

———-

Spiral killers boyfriend: seriously guys???

Spiral killers boyfriend: you aren’t even gonna respond to what Hoffman said about you

Spiral killer boyfriend: Adam? Larry????

Bathroom boy: no Diana is here. Go away

Fuck it ACAB: in the nicest way babe we are kinda in the middle of a test here, maybe get off twitter

Medic boy: I fucking told you that Will would be the most likely to be on his phone during a jigsaw trap

Medic boy: PETER PAY UP

The Strahman: seriously kid, you couldn’t wait until me and Marks next trap

The Hoffman: hey how do you know I’d be on my phone during our next test???

The Strahman: you’re really telling me that you could ignore a twitter notification just because we are in the middle of testing someone???

The Hoffman: fair

The Hoffman: but I’ve been testing people for decades now

The Hoffman: twitters new, I’m allowed to be interested in it

Spiral killers boyfriend: man you’re old

—-

Medic boy: y’know I think the spiral killer has by far the most superior traps

Medic boy: Will and zeke are just masters of their crafts

Doctor1:????

Medic boy: everyone else on here including me pales in comparison to them

Jigsaws girlfriend: I’ve been told to inform everyone that Will has stolen Logan’s phone

Bathroom boy: wait you’re all together

Fuck it ACAB: yeah me and Logan met ‘organically’ through work so we’re allowed to all hang out now

Jigsaws girlfriend: yeah we meet up every Sunday to talk shit about you guys

The Strahman: I’m not sure if you’re joking or not

Medic boy: nah it’s just a chance for us to actually hang out as normal people plus Brian and Melissa are friends now

Bathroom boy: that is the most wholesome thing I’ve read all day

Spiral killers boyfriend: it’s true

Spiral killers boyfriend: they’re besties

The Strahman:

The Hoffman@thehofinator just found out that the
Spiral killers and new jigsaw killers meet up to chat
Shit about me and the other ogs #heartbroken

Doctor1: we need to take that away from him

——-

Doctor1: god I hate Hoffman so much

Medic boy: did you come online just to say that

Doctor1: he is the worst person I know

The Strahman: he tweeted about how “jigsaws surgeon doesn’t even count as a true apprentice”

The Hoffman: it’s true though

Doctor1: you mother fucker I’m the best apprentice

The Hoffman: you’ve barely achieved anything

Doctor1: okay that’s it you son of a bitch

Medic boy: guys I thought we banned fighting in front of Adam

Bathroom boy: wait what??

The Strahman: yeah before you joined the chat we made a rule that they weren’t allowed to fight in front of you

Bathroom boy: they used to fight more????

Spiral killers boyfriend: hey guys

Medic boy: believe it or not these past few months have been the most civil I’ve ever seen them

Spiral killers boyfriend: guys

Jigsaws girlfriend: well this peace could never last forever

Spiral killers boyfriend: guys!!

Medic boy: it was bound to end painfully, in blood and heart ache

Spiral killers boyfriend: I think I’ve really fucked up

Chapter Text

Doctor1: what have you done

Spiral killers boyfriend: fuck fuck fuck

Spiral killers boyfriend: is anyone close to zeke's place

The Hoffman: me and Peter are close

Spiral killers boyfriend: not Hoffman they’re gonna be scanning every camera within miles. Hoffman needs to stay away, send Peter

The Strahman: okay what do you want me to do

Spiral killers boyfriend: okay two blocks away from Zeke's flat, there’s a four story building; number 39 in front of the white door you’ll find a trash can with plans for spiral traps a police radio and this phone powered off

Spiral killers boyfriend if they find these Zeke is screwed

Spiral killers boyfriend: get them and fucking burn them before the police find them

The Strahman: okay I’m on my way

Spiral killers boyfriend: Zeke you should probably ditch your phone too

Spiral killers boyfriend: if they find this chat you’re also fucked

Spiral killers boyfriend: okay I’m going offline now

Spiral killers boyfriend: it’s been fun talking with you all these past few months

Medic boy: what the fuck

Fuck it ACAB: I don’t know I’m 2 hours out what’s going on Peter

The Strahman: I got all the things Will mentioned, I drove away as inconspicuously as I could, but the police are crawling all over your building it doesn’t look good for Will

The Strahman: I would seriously recommend destroying your phone and SIM card, it looks like Wills has been caught and he’s trying his hardest to protect you. This chats a dead give away but if you can act like you didn’t have any clue about what Will was doing you might be able to get away with this.

The Hoffman: shit if he hadn’t gone straight to an area crawling with police we could’ve gotten him to a safe house before he gets arrested

The Strahman: yeah I think he somehow managed to find out that the police knew about him and rushed straight to Zeke's house to get rid of all evidence on him

Doctor1: Okay Zeke now it’s important that you don’t incriminate yourself, you two haven’t known each other for long and you still have two separate flats. You need to seriously downplay your relationship okay

Fuck it ACAB: yeah yeah, okay

The Hoffman: and don’t worry about Will that kid will do anything to protect you

Fuck it ACAB: it’s not me I’m worried about

Fuck it ACAB: me and Will went exclusively after cops

Fuck it ACAB: okay I’m destroying my phone now, Logan and el I suggest you stay away for a while

Medic boy: well fuck

Jigsaws girlfriend: are they going to be okay???

Doctor1: I

Doctor1: I don’t think so
———-

Will could see the anger on the detective's face. All in all his arrest hadn’t been any sort of spectacle. It had been his day off, and it had been purely by luck that he caught the announcement of his arrest on his stolen police radio. He knew that they would go to his flat first and then Zeke's flat immediately afterwards. He was already typing in the group trap (fighting about whether they liked Hoffman or not as they usually did) to ask for directions to one of Peter and Hoffman’s many, many safe houses. When he came to a realisation, Zeke's flat was covered in incriminating evidence and unlike him, Zeke was on the job surrounded by police in a different department two hours away from his flat. That’s when Will made the split second decision to rush back to Zeke's flat and try to hide all evidence of his participation in the spiral killings.

Will had been picked up by a police car five blocks from Zeke's flat, he didn’t know what the police had on him, but if they raided his flat they would find several designs for spiral traps past and present. Will was screwed, and Zeke's fate was now left up to one special agent Peter Strahm, a man both of them had only ever met once.

So to say Wills day hadn’t been going great would be an understatement. Ironically enough he was taken into his own police department, he could see the murderous looks on his colleagues faces, no doubt shocked that it could be one of their own to notice the corruption in this city's police force, as he was walked into the interrogation room.

The interrogation room is where he now sat as detective Cooper came in to make his day worse. Lazy and useless but not quite crooked Cooper had managed to avoid being put into a spiral trap, so far. The man paced up and down the room, a mixture of hurt, anger and betrayal radiating off of him. Will was prepared for question after question on how he could possibly do this to his own colleagues as if it weren’t his own colleagues actively making the city more dangerous, when Cooper interrupted his chain of thought.

“Who are you working with?” A question spoken much more calmly than Will expected from Cooper. “Excuse me?” Will managed to stutter out caught off guard by Cooper's straightforward emotionless question. “Look, you were twelve years old when John Kramer died, you don’t have half the skills required to do most of what’s been going on these last few years and there’s clearly multiple people in on this. As far as we can tell you’re probably one of the newest recruits in this whole jigsaw affair so cut the shit, tell us who the oldest members are and we might be slightly nicer when it comes to sentencing.”

Oh. Will didn’t know what he expected from an interrogation conducted by a man who hasn't put any actual effort into police work since the nineties, but it wasn’t that.

Chapter Text

The Hoffman: well…..shit

Doctor1: yeah pretty much

The Strahman: I would recommend no one else doing traps right now unless you want to get caught too

Bathroom boy: yeah me and Larry are gonna lie low for a bit

Bathroom boy: are you guys gonna keep doing traps now?

The Strahman: Idk, maybe? The cats out of the bag when it comes to mark still being alive

The Strahman: and it probably takes some of the suspicion off you guys if the jigsaw killings continue and you have an obvious alibi

Doctor1: Jesus Christ

Doctor1: on a scale of 1-100 how screwed are we

Medic boy: optimistically, we should be fine as long as we stop doing traps

Medic boy: they’re probably keeping track of thousands of people right now, some will inevitably look more guilty than us

The Strahman: I mean realistically they can’t sustain this for long

The Strahman: they’re tracking hundreds of stores and thousands of people

The Strahman: that isn’t sustainable, at most they can probably only keep constant surveillance up for about a week

The Strahman: it’s mainly just bad luck that Will got caught

Bathroom boy: poor kid

The Hoffman: but right now he’s probably our biggest threat

Jigsaws girlfriend: hey, c’mon give him some slack

The Hoffman: it’s only been a couple days and already people are certain that he didn’t have a big part to play in this

The Hoffman: he could probably make some kind of deal to reduce his sentence

Doctor1: nah I don’t think he’ll do that

Doctor1: he cares about Zeke far too much

Doctor1: if he turns on us Hoffman will probably just turn Zeke in

Medic boy: yea

Medic boy: besides we’re all friends

Medic boy: right???????

Bathroom boy: yeah of course

Jigsaws girlfriend: uh this just all feels so unfair

Jigsaws girlfriend: I mean Hoffman was the first one they caught on camera

Jigsaws girlfriend: you just had to be dead for ten years so they didn’t know where you lived

The Hoffman: yeah well Wills the one who used traceable metal in his traps

—————-

“WHO. ARE. YOU. WORKING. WITH.”

Two hours in and Will was still being asked the same questions.

“No one.” Two hours in, Will was still giving the same answers.

“So you took out all those cops all by yourself?” Cooper responded the disbelief was clear in his voice.

“Yes.”

“And that human trafficking gang that was all you?”

“What?”

“Look we raided your place. We saw the plans. We know everything you did, we know your real name. We’ve got the FBI coming in any minute now. The only thing stopping you from being shipped off to some maximum security prison, is that we also know you couldn’t have done this all alone.”

Will didn’t know how to respond, it was obvious that he couldn’t be responsible for all the jigsaw murders in the past twenty years, but he wasn’t going to just betray his friends.

“What about Mark Hoffman then?” Cooper was bringing out their first obvious suspect. A man that everyone including the FBI had believed to be dead two days previous.

“What about Mark Hoffman?” That had caught Will off guard.

“Well we know he’s still alive, we caught him on a security tape at the same hardware shop that you used about two hours after him. Are you telling me that was a coincidence?”

“Wh…what?” The confusion was genuine, how did they know what store Will was using and why had Hoffman been there?

“Okay nothing to say about Hoffman, how about Zeke?”

“What about Zeke?”

“Your pal, your partner, your boyfriend; Zeke” Zeke was the other main suspect they currently had for another Jigsaw accomplice.

“He had nothing to do with any of this.” Despite it hitting close to home, Will was thankful for the switch to more expected questioning. He was prepared for the questions about Zeke and was ready to deny his involvement to his dying breath. If they ever caught Zeke it wouldn’t be because Will had put him in danger.

“Well it’s no secret he wasn’t popular here, hell I didn’t even like the guy. Most of the cops that the spiral killer took down didn’t like him either.”

“The spiral killer only took down corrupt cops, like the cops that killed my father, the cops that covered it up and all the cops that allowed it to happen.”

Will was getting angrier now, sure Zeke had helped him in the end, but at the beginning he was doing this by himself. He had reasons for what he did. It wasn’t just over some silly little grudges. This went beyond Zeke. His mission had far grander goals and he had worthier motivations.

“That’s right your father was murdered right in front of you when you were twelve, poor little Willy Emerson. Seems his moral view of the world got stuck at age twelve too.”

“Fuck. You.” Will spat out, who was Cooper to judge him? He was just another cog in a corrupt system.

“Excuse me if my sympathies ran out the moment you started torturing people.” Cooper's bitter tone was leaking into everything he said. He has lost friends and colleagues to this bastard. And he was trying to justify it all with a murder that had happened fifteen years ago?

“What I did worked. The past few weeks I haven’t seen anyone in this department so much as make a spelling error!” Will was shouting, now he had to make this moron understand him.

“You don’t like how an officer is operating, you file a complaint and you don’t go on a killing rampage!”

“Do you seriously not get it, remember Mark Hoffman? Did you know he once shot an unarmed man. Did you know some honourable police officer reported him? You know what happened to Hoffman?” Will waited a beat just to let the detective comprehend what he was saying.

“The fucker got promoted, this entire system is broken.”

“And you and your little gang of psychopaths torturing people isn’t helping. It’s just making people scared. Boohoo, someone hurt you when you were a kid. It doesn't justify this sadistic rampage.”

“This fake philosophical bullshit didn’t work when John Kramer was doing it and it sure as shit isn’t working now that you and your friends are pulling the strings.”

Cooper took a pause; he was getting off topic arguing about the morality of what William was doing wasn’t going to stop the bodies. You can’t convince an insane person they're insane just by informing them of the fact.

“So how did they do it?”

“How did who do what?”

“Jigsaws little cult or whatever. Did they take you in when you were twelve, or did they find you as an emotionally stunted adult?”

“I have no clue about any other persons working under the jigsaw name.”

“WHO. ARE. YOU. WORKING WITH.” Cooper yelled, this couldn’t be a dead end; they needed to end this once and for all. Breaking Schenk was the way to do that.

Two hours and ten minutes in and Will was still being asked the same questions.

“No one.” Two hours and ten minutes in, Will was still giving the same answers.

Chapter Text

Medic boy: Okay so they know Hoffmans alive and that schenk was maybe working with him that's why they’re spending so much time questioning him. They're even bringing the FBI into this

The Strahman: Logan…. Its 2 am

Medic boy: yea but we can do this, we can get him out? Right guys????

Bathroom boy: Logan, he's in a police station surrounded by the FBI and dozens of swat officers

Medic boy: a police department that me and Zeke both have access to.

The Strahman: They’re not going to let Zeke back inside that building until Schenk is in maximum security and you are not going to be able to take out an entire police station by yourself.

The Strahman: please think of Melissa and Brian if you do this you'd only be getting yourself and zeke arrested.

Medic boy: Will and Zeke are my friends. I'm not just going to just abandon them.

Medic boy: and by the looks of things you two are also refreshing google for news about will at two am to. You want to help him as well.

Bathroom boy: go to sleep Logan.

Medi boy: but think about it we can do this

Medic boy: its one police station

Medic boy: I know Hoffman has taken an entire police station out before

Medic boy: and john???? He was always evading dozens of swat officers

Medic boy: come on guys we can do this

Medic boy: guys????????

The Jigsquad (07:35)

Doctor 1: Okay, pooling all our resources, how many traps can we get up and running all across the city in the next two days?

--------------------------

“I didn't know anything, I swear.”

“I don't believe you”

It had to be O’brien didn't it? Zeke had preemptively dropped Brian off at Lisas and had been waiting all day and night for the police to come for him. Not before destroying his phone of course, Will had taken care of everything else incriminating in his apartment. The only thing he couldn't completely erase was the evidence of their relationship. They hadn’t necessarily been trying to keep it a secret from the rest of the force, but Will and Zeke were always off doing their own thing and it had made sense to just not complicate things by telling anyone else. The police had come for him in the early hours of the morning, nearly 24 hours since Will had been arrested. Zeke knew he was probably still in the building, just in a different interrogation room. It hurt in a thousand different ways knowing he was so close and yet they could very realistically never see each other again. Instead of getting to hold Will he was going to be interviewed by O'brien, a man who he had known for years, a man who was now looking at him with nothing but disgust.

“So, when did you start sleeping with him, before or after he killed your dad? Boz?”

“After….it was after, he, he helped me deal with it.”

It was the truth, you were always meant to tell as much of the truth as possible during these things, right? He thought about what led to his decision to side with Will. Was it when the police started shooting his dad? When Will first suggested they work together and he hadn’t hesitated to agree? Did his decision to sleep with him come from the days Will spent sneaking glances at him with something more than admiration in his eyes? Or did his decision to join the serial killing lunatic come from the years of working on such a corrupt force that he couldn't do anything without looking over his shoulder. Either way he had decided sometime between him telling the police the person who killed his dad had worn a mask the whole time and Will coming to his apartment that night.

“So eight months. Eight months and you never once suspected?” The accusing tone was obvious.

“We weren't that serious.”

He thought of the first time Will came to his flat after killing his dad, the hours they had fought. He thought about the week he stayed away from the police station. He thought about when he saw Will again at work and when he agreed to help him. He thought about their hours together at work and after. Will meeting Brian, Will cooking dinner, Will designing traps whilst Zeke listened fondly, Will and him meeting Logan and Eleanor together, Will practically living with him, Will sacrificing his freedom for him, Will loving him Zeke loving him back.

“It was just a casual thing.”

“Do you often have ‘just a casual thing’ with men 30 years your junior Zeke?”

“It wasn't like that.”

“Then what was it like?”

He knew O'brien was trying to get him angry. Maybe get him to shout, what was he expecting him to say? ‘Will is a serial killer; he's fully capable of making his own choices.’ Zeke was having a bad day but he wasn’t as stupid to fall for that.

“Will is a grown man, he made his own decisions.”

“Of course, of course, did he ever tell you his real name?” Yes. He was the only person Will had trusted enough to tell.

“What are you talking about?”

“William Schenk, it's a fake identity, we’re still trying to work out his real one. Did he ever tell you his real one”

William talking about his father, about what his childhood was like afterwards, how he managed to make himself disappear in an overstretched and underfunded care system, Will talking about being top of his class, Will talking about how he wanted to retire with Zeke.

“We didn't talk that much.”

----------------

Logan was trying to subtly wait for Zeke, this wasn't too suspicious. People knew they were work friends, they had met through jigsaw, but they had also met on a regular case. With Zeke's phone a lost cause he was the only one who could contact him without raising suspicion.

After what must have been hours of interrogation Zeke finally walked out of the police station.
“Please tell me we’ve got a plan?” He looked absolutely exhausted, the poor guy probably hadn’t slept in over two days and he was already desperate to keep going, to save Will.

“Yes, well the beginnings of one.” He was being honest the plan was a long shot and they would have to rush to even be able to somewhat pull it off.

“good , what do we need to do?” It hurt how much Zeke needed to be involved.

“Well that's the thing, you can't be involved at all, they're not going to stop watching you and if William escapes they never are. Wills is going to have to stay with Hoffman and Strahm, he’ll be the most wanted man in America, and you won't be able to contact him.” As much as it pained Logan to admit, Zeke was the biggest security risk out there when it came to their plan.

“What if I went with him?” He understood the desire, hell if it was Eleanor in Wills place he didn't know what he'd do.

“You'd be giving up your entire life, you'd never be able to see your friends or family again, Brian.”

“We Don't have to do this, if Will goes to jail you'll still be able to see him occasionally.”

“No, do it.”

------------------

Logan took a brief pause before opening his door, just to enjoy the last moments of peace he was going to get before the next few days.

“Daddy!” As soon as he opened the door Melissa jumped into his arms, she always got so excited to see him after he worked long shifts.

“Woah princess, be careful your fathers an old man.” He smiled appreciatively at Eleanor as she took Melissa, as much as it pained him to admit Melissa was getting just a bit too big for Logan to hold in his arms anymore.

“So what did he say?” Eleanor asked, straight to the point. He liked that.

“He said yes.” Eleanor knew what that meant.

“Okay Mel you're going to have to stay with your uncle Zeke for a few days.”