Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

When the two had fallen for each other it was most definitely not a huge epiphany of endless devotions and desires. Not even a catastrophic spiral of confusion and denial. It was more similar to the first fallen petal of spring, and the green leaves became a bit brighter when they welcomed the warmer hues. When they fell in love it was like the changing seasons; subtle enough to almost miss. 

But they still accepted each other’s changing weather. And maybe in the end, both decided to truly recreate everything together again like a new tiny seed caught in the wind.

“Your mind is your predicament. It wants to be free of change. Free of pain, free of the obligations of life and death. But change is law and no amount of pretending will alter that reality.” ~ Socrates

The Start of Summer:

“I...need a favor,” Akutagawa started, his brain short-circuiting when Atsushi locked eye contact and his throat felt dry. 

Regret began to seep into his system again like this morning when he predicted how the day might go, because maybe this wasn’t a good idea. 

He wiped his sweaty palms on his coat but the gentle curiosity in Atsushi’s honey-stained purple eyes almost anchored him as he waited for him to continue.

The mafioso inhaled deeply, chewing the inside of his lip as he formulated his thoughts together before speaking, and looked the detective in the eyes. Gin told him to go for it, and when push comes to shove, bribe the guy.

But money might not fix this if he mortified himself for eternity to come when he uttered the words…

“Marry me.”

Atsushi blinked. Once, twice, taken aback. His eyes widened and mouth slightly agape.

The mafioso mentally smacked himself.

He should have explained first. Of course he’ll say no. This entire thing was a mistake, he should leave. He could feel himself about to bolt out of the place any moment now, unable to take the lack of response from the other as he shifted in the wooden chair to cross his arms and legs.

Akutagawa anticipated the harsh rejection to seal the deal when Atsushi bursted out laughing.

Now, Akutagawa was the one giving him an incredulous look. If they weren’t currently in a cafe sitting across from each other, he probably would’ve punched the guy.


“You’re joking,” Atsushi breathed out as he chuckled, his hand muffling the sound as he held his stomach.


Akutagawa grimaced and stared down at his lukewarm tea in front of him. “Give me...three months.”

What.

Atsushi stopped laughing and glanced back at Akutagawa. “Three months?” he repeated slowly, tilting his head. “W-what are you on about?”

The room started tilting a bit and Atsushi leaned against his arm on the table, thankful to be sitting at this moment. He must be sleep deprived.

Because he must've misheard what he said.

Marry Akutagawa. 

His enemy, literal rival who vowed to kill him eventually, and he almost died on numerous occasions because of him. 

Atsushi still feared it might happen in the middle of the night while he's sleeping. The only reason they talk to each other is because he's constantly forced to be associated with him from the interventions of his (their?) conniving mentor. So maybe this was a whole prank Dazai set up.

They had somewhat of a stalemate between them ever since the fight with the underground Rats. So at least he wasn't in complete shock to be invited out to tea (from a burner phone number too) as a truce of some kind, but this...this was unanticipated. 

It’s not like he was expecting Akutagawa to laugh with him and shout ‘Surprise, just kidding!’ with a smile. Because that scenario would have been even scarier, considering the stoic expressions he’s accustomed with. 

This was Akutagawa here.

And this Akutagawa glared. A dust of pink colored his face and his hands clenched at his sides, hidden from view underneath the table. 

“Yes, Jinko!” he snapped. “Don’t make me repeat this again.”

God, the detective infuriated him. Akutagawa wished he could push all this behind him but he had no one else to ask.

Atsushi squinted. “...You’re Akutagawa, right?”

“Jinko,” Akutagawa warned and Atsushi raised his hands up.

“Okay, okay, I’ll stop! But seriously dude, what is this about?”

Akutagawa breathed through his nose again and shut his eyes to calm his nerves, relief settling in when he shifted in the chair. He didn’t get a straight no from the other, so maybe this wasn’t a complete lost cause which would burn along in hell with him.

The detective gingerly took a sip of his green tea, curious to hear what the other had to say. He eyed his partner over the cup—well, not really partner, because honestly that term never sat right with him regardless of all the “New Double Black” rumors thrown their way.

He couldn’t figure out if “partners” really suited them for what they were.

The cup clinked when Atsushi placed it back on its saucer and Akutagawa opened his eyes, appearing less tense.

“My parents—”

“You have parents?” Atsushi blurted out and resisted the urge to cover his face with his hands.

That was so stupid and insensitive, he mentally berated himself. Atsushi what the f-

“Not exactly…" Akutagawa trailed off, ignoring the weretiger’s absurd response and coughed into his hand to ease his sore throat. “It’s regarding my parents. To be more specific, my late mother’s brother, Akutagawa Dōshō. My parents passed away in a car crash when I was about ten.”

Atsushi was surprised that Akutagawa trusted him enough to tell him this. The guy rarely talked about himself in general and it was by mere coincidence he discovered he had a younger sister through Higuchi and Katai’s random chase months ago in Yokohama’s streets.

"Oh, I’m really sorry for your loss, Akutagawa. I didn’t mean to say it that way since I always assumed...you know...”

Akutagawa sighed and his shoulders sagged back against the chair, “Relax, it’s fine. I just discovered that my mother’s relatives were even still alive.”

“So, then regarding your uncle?” Atsushi asked, scratching the back of his neck.

The mafioso swallowed, preparing himself to finally explain why they were here in the first place. He was gratified that Atsushi didn’t storm out of here at first glance and he was actually hearing him out. He was such a strange person.

“My uncle, also including our aunt, found out Gin and I were still alive. We recently received a letter saying they wanted to meet us. But in order to hide our true occupations we had to take extreme precautions, which Gin mostly devised anyway. Yet there seemed to have been ah—loss in translation, per se. They believe I’m a writer who studied literature under a penname for privacy reasons, and Gin is clearly still a student due to her age, but she takes up music in her free time.”

Atsushi furrowed his eyebrows while he listened. “Okay, that makes some sense...but what does this have to do with marriage ? You’re like twenty.”

“Apparently, I’m also way too eager in this delusion,” Akutagawa muttered. “I don’t know how but somehow another letter got mixed in with ours and they also believe me to be engaged with a colleague of mine.” Akutagawa faced the weretiger and gave him a brief, tight and humorless smile. “And they’re ecstatic to meet you.”

The tea cups clattered when Atsushi’s foot accidentally hit the leg of the table and Akutagawa raised his own cup to his lips, (with his usual unpleasant frown by-the-way) before it could splash.

“Why the hell can’t you ask an actual colleague of yours?” Atsushi questioned while he tugged at the collar of his white dress shirt, “Or I don’t know, tell the truth.”

The heat in the room must've been getting to him.

It’s almost summer, shouldn’t the air conditioning be on? He wondered while his eyes flitted around the cafe. 

It was only Akutagawa and himself inside the establishment besides an elderly couple sitting by one of the windows. 

He observed they were holding hands across the table with a shared pastry beside them while they talked. The taller one of the pair made a face at whatever the shorter one said and they laughed back in reply, causing them to pout.

The shorter one shook their head with a smile, and raised their joined hands together before the other attempted to pull away. They kissed the back of their significant other’s hand, ending the moment with both of them gazing warmly at each other again.

Embarrassed from witnessing such an intimate moment between strangers, Atsushi flicked his eyes back at the mafioso, who was brooding in his own little world.

Akutagawa took a long sip of his jasmine tea, rolling his eyes. “I can’t ask anyone from the Port Mafia because that would compromise our family’s safety with them being under their radar, and I know my ways to get time off from missions to deal with visiting them. They seemed…truly happy to hear from Gin and I, so I can’t think of a reason on how to prevent disappointing them.” He wrinkled his nose. “Plus, I don’t think I even bother to associate with anyone else from the Agency besides Dazai-san, which would not work at all regardless but...there’s you.”

“The last resort…” Atsushi mumbled.

Akutagawa nodded. It’s the truth yet he’s unsure how he took it as an answer.

Atsushi hated how he could understand this. He couldn’t picture exactly what a real family dynamic was supposed to be, based on his own unfortunate experiences.

Yet at least he understood the nagging inner critic of not living up to expectations and wanting to try to make amends with those he cared about.

If he had that chance he would take it. It’s natural to want to feel accepted with some precautions…so you don’t lose who you are.

But he’s also fortunate enough to have the Detective Agency replace that void of a family from their endless support. He always appreciated them. He felt ridiculous for actually considering this but—

“Alright,” Atsushi said.

“I understand if—” Akutagawa raised a thin eyebrow—“What? ”

Atsushi leaned over the table with his hands placed on his knees towards Akutagawa, “I said, alright. I’ll help you.”

“You hate me.”

Atsushi’s eye twitched. This guy.

“Because, it’s fine that we’re only pretending. And I want to help,” Atsushi replied with a half smile and Akutagawa held eye contact for a moment before looking away.

He pursed his lips. “You’re right. And don’t worry, you’re getting paid.”

“Akutagawa,” he choked out a laugh, “that’s not really necessa—''

“Again,” Akutagawa waved him off, “it would only be for three months but not the entire time.” That honestly would drive him to insanity like this entire plan to begin with. “We can discuss more about the course of action when we leave, so I advise you to begin packing tonight.”

Atsushi had to admit, adding money into the equation did perk up his interest, but now he began to wonder what he got himself into. Pack?! He thought it would be the kind-of-job he didn’t have to travel for, and if it's even worth it to leave Yokohama.

“What about m-my...my job! And where exactly does your uncle live?” The room spun again.

Was Akutagawa truly this bad at explaining the importance of things, or he himself plain idiotic for saying yes too fast?

At this point, maybe it’s both reasons.

Akutagawa reached into his coat and pulled out a folded slip of paper, holding it out to Atsushi. “Here’s my real number,” he said in a low voice. “I trust that you will send a message so I know yours.” Akutagawa stood up while Atsushi took it with shaky hands.

The mafioso stuffed his hands in his pockets, taking a step towards the entrance but he looked back at Atsushi, who continued staring at the piece of paper. “We...We’ll talk later.” He turned around and walked fast towards the door.

Atsushi whipped his head up. “Hey! Wait Akutag—” he huffed when the door banged shut behind Akutagawa, the wind chimes echoing in his ears.
He left Atsushi sitting here even more confused.

Everything should be okay, Atsushi thought as an attempt to reason with himself with this. He tried to count how many days consisted of three months.

He glanced down at the scribbled numbers on the paper.

Although, it looked more like a fancy script by how clean and elegant it was written with a signature in the corner.

“Even his handwriting is ridiculous,” Atsushi scoffed under his breath.

He could only hope things would be okay.

And it’s fine, if we’re only pretending.

Chapter Text

Content Warnings: There's some internalized homophobia for one of the characters, so when you see "***" that's where it starts. It's very brief in this chapter/more towards the end; but it will be discussed as a theme within this story most likely for "said" character in the plot.

~

"Man sometimes devotes his life to a desire which he is not sure will ever be fulfilled. Those who laugh at this folly are, after all, no more than mere spectators of life." ~ Akutagawa Ryuunosuke (Rashōmon & Other Stories)

Impatient:

Akutagawa focused down at his wristwatch and gritted his teeth. “He’s late.”

He stood at the entrance of Yokohama Station, tensing up when a group of kids in their school uniforms got a little too close while they ran around the premises. 

The kids were oblivious to his soured mood, even with the death glare plastered on his expression and they continued shrieking with laughter. 

It appeared they were playing some sort of game.

On a normal day he might've appreciated seeing the younger ones having fun. It made him recall some bittersweet fading memories of Gin and the others back in the slums, but unfortunately, today was not that day. 

He took a huge step to the left when someone talking on the phone almost bumped into him and it required a lot of willpower not to activate Rashōmon from the amount of civilians nearby.

Not to kill them, of course. 

He’s still on the six-month promise to not kill anyone because of the weretiger and he vowed to keep it, but he never was fond of crowds.

Where was this weretiger ? 

He told him the arrangement for the day and if he doesn’t show up soon, they might miss the train and be forced to take the next one in a few hours. He’s not quite sure how he would react in spending more idle time than necessary with him.

Last night while Akutagawa was at his dining room table busying himself with a book about Chinese classics, an unknown number lit up his phone screen.

Classical music played softly from the record player in his and Gin’s shared apartment and instinctively, he looked over at the couch where Gin usually occupied herself during their days off. 

He faltered while taking in the emptiness of the room, his mood dropping. He recalled that she went up to their aunt and uncle’s home earlier before his encounter with the weretiger at the cafe. 

His eyes shifted back to his phone, speaking of the devil.

Akutagawa started typing.

>>>

11:05 PM

Unknown: Hey Akutagawa

The sender is not in your contact list. Block and report as spam?

*Added new number to contacts* -----> changed name to Tiger-skin

11:11 PM

Akutagawa: Hello, Jinko.

11:38 PM

Tiger-skin: You’re not planning to kidnap me right—

You actually have a family?

11:42 PM

Akutagawa: Yes, you fool. I assume you’re packed.

11:45 PM

Tiger-skin: Suspicious…but yeah I think so. considering I don’t know what to expect

Akutagawa: Expect what, exactly?

Tiger-skin: THE WEATHER? 

proper everyday attire, formal wear, emergencies, etc..

11:48 PM

Tiger-skin: Do I need a swimsuit or 

Akutagawa: If you desire. 

Tiger-skin: How helpful

11:52 PM

Tiger-skin: God I’m going to get fired because of you too

Fukuzawa is going to give me an earful when I don’t show up without a reason

Akutagawa: Therefore, I know it’s not worth remembering that fact.

11:53 PM

Tiger-skin: Dude

You’re infuriating

Like

So maddeningly damn-infuriating

11:55 PM

Akutagawa: I know. 

It’s wiser to not deny from plain idiocy and waste a breath.

12:08 PM

Tiger-skin: Alright then Socrates, can you please tell me where we’re going?

>>>

Akutagawa momentarily paused and frowned at his phone. “Socrates?” 

The detective truly was unusual.

>>>

12:12 PM

Akutagawa: Meet me at Yokohama Station. 8:00 a.m.

Tiger-skin: TODAY?

>>>

He clicked off his phone. Stupid weretiger. He pushed his book aside and reframed to pinch the bridge of his nose when his phone lit up again. He sighed loudly and rubbed at the tension in his shoulders.

This was already aggravating .

About 15 minutes later back at the train station, Akutagawa finally spotted the silver-haired man exiting a taxi. 

The detective handed a wad of bills to the driver and slugged his traveling bag over his shoulder.

Atsushi stumbled when his feet hit the pavement and he caught himself on the side door of the vehicle. He thanked the driver again and even gave him a little extra for the inconvenience of his destination. He had to stop by the Agency for paperwork and explain to Fukuzawa only about this...complication. 

He grabbed the rest of his belongings from the back seat.

After the taxi pulled away, Atsushi surveyed the location until he saw a familiar head of jet-black hair with white tips and half-ran towards them. 

“Hey! I’m sorry for being late!”

The first thing Akutagawa learned about Atsushi outside of “work” was his lack of time management.

Akutagawa pressed his mouth together, about to berate this incompetent fool but, “You got rid of those useless gloves.” 

Was the first thing that left his lips.

Atsushi rolled his eyes. “And you, with your hideous cravat.”

The second thing Akutagawa learned was the other’s horrible fashion sense.

Atsushi tightened his grip on the straps of his bag while he trudged over to stand beside the grouchy man. “Good morning to you too.”

“...Morning.”

Akutagawa lifted his chin and shifted his gaze sideways where Atsushi fumbled with one of the buttons on his dark auburn flannel. It was cuffed at the forearms and wore a black turtleneck underneath, paired with dark blue jeans.

He had to admit, the colors did suit him, but in comparison to his usual attire, it felt too...erratic. To be frank, completely out of place. But not entirely in a bad way as his thin eyebrows raised at the laced-up boots Atsushi also wore.   

He didn’t have much to say in this though as he glanced down at his own loosely-fitted white crewneck, tucked in black dress pants and even threw on an oversized blazer on top. He found the old thing in his closet when he was rummaging through an old box from what little he owned before the Port Mafia. 

His matted leather shoes might be the biggest difference with his outfit.

Atsushi adjusted his bag on his shoulder while Akutagawa checked the time again and Atsushi’s ears perked up at the sound of clinking metal.

Clasped around Akutagawa’s neck was a thin chain dangling with two matching rings.

“Woah, is that silver?”

“Platatium, actually. And they were my father’s.”

“Oh...I’m flattered, Akutagawa.”

Akutagawa looked up from his watch and narrowed his eyes in Atsushi’s direction.

“Please , don’t fancy yourself. Once this trip ends, my six months are complete. I’ll kill you, Jinko.”

“What would you tell your family about me?!” Atsushi spluttered out.

Akutagawa tilted his head. “Honeymoon gone wrong?” 

Atsushi choked out a laugh. He’s done for.

“W-will...will you finally answer where we’re going now?” So he can call the police when they get there.

“Fukuoka.”

Atsushi took a step back and almost knocked into a lamppost.

“Wait, F-fukuoka?! That’s like…over six hours away! Maybe we shou-”

Before Atsushi even had the chance to even think about running, something wrapped around his wrist tightly and looked down to see Rashōmon uncoiled from Akutagawa’s jacket... Damnit.

“Yes, about six hours and thirty minutes. Let’s go, Jinko. Our train is here.”

Atsushi sighed, unable to muster enough energy to fight back and reluctantly trailed behind Akutagawa towards the train lines. They were close enough that Rashōmon wasn’t visible between them as they continued to maneuver through the crowd and he noticed the guy smelled like something floral.

Besides that, Atsushi couldn’t believe he was actually getting kidnapped.

They scanned their ticket passes at the gate and slipped through the sliding doors of the train. The two situated themselves in one of the further compartments, choosing seats opposite of each other and where less people loitered.

Atsushi watched the bustling movement of the passengers filtering in and out when Akutagawa coughed in his hand, gaining his attention.

“Here, Jinko.” He placed one of the platinum rings in the palm of the detective’s hand.

Atsushi flinched when he almost dropped the ring and cradled it. His eyes flicked at Akutagawa’s hand and saw his ring already on his fourth finger.

“T-thanks.”

Akutagawa crossed his arms and faced Atsushi. “So the plan, we can discuss it now.”

“Right, we should…” Atsushi carefully placed the ring on his left hand, analyzing how it glistened in the lighting. “What about the 2x2x2 rule?”

“The what.”

Atsushi’s mouth twitched, puffing out his cheeks and held back from saying something sarcastic.

“It’s something I read in a magazine,” he explained and scratched the side of his face. “About uhm—couples.”

Akutagawa sighed, “Please, by all means elaborate.”

“It’s basically just…uh means going out on a...a d-date every two weeks, a weekend away every two months and taking a holiday for a week every two years- for bonding, I think? But I know this is only for three months!” Atsushi rushed out and furrowed his eyebrows. “Which reminds me...why three months"

Akutagawa leaned back into the seat and shrugged. “My mother’s family lived in the states due to their professions, but have a summer house in Fukuoka Prefecture so favorably, their stay in Japan isn’t for eternity.”

“Ah.”

The mafioso clicked his tongue. “The 2-whatever rule doesn’t sound half bad as well. We can just alternate the numbers to fit the timeline.”

“Alright, and this definitely excludes the required family meals and anything else they have planned for us—We'll just use it so we don’t have to put up with the act the entire time, you know?”

The other hummed in response. “Fair enough, that settles it then.”

Akutagawa immediately reached down and pulled out a book from his luggage.

Atsushi opened his mouth, a million more questions on the tip of his tongue but Akutagawa already began flipping pages. He didn’t want to interrupt him.

The detective raised an eyebrow. 

He didn’t expect Akutagawa to be a reader though. Sure, the guy was extremely educated with the lucidity of his words and intelligence, but for someone who killed for his job and practically lived in the blood infested divisions of the mafia…

He had such a normal hobby. 

It was an odd combination.

Atsushi guessed that’s where the mafioso's deadly imagination stemmed from.

He started drumming his fingers on the plastic arm of the seat and Akutagawa ‘tsked’ at the noise, glaring at the printed words on his page. 

Atsushi stopped moving.

This was going to be a long ride.

~

“We should probably figure out pet names,” Atsushi declared about three hours after they departed and Akutagawa looked up from his page.


“Pet...names?”


“Yes, we’re supposed to be engaged.” Atsushi pointed at the wedding band around his finger,  “It would seem kinda silly if we didn’t, don’t you think?” He watched Akutagawa place a bookmark in his book.

“That’s like a nickname, right?” Akutagawa asked and glanced towards Atsushi, who stared at him dumb-founded
.

“For the fiancé who did the proposing, you really are clueless. But yeah—whatever you want to call it, that’s what Kyouka-chan told me they were.”

Akutagawa stiffened. “You told Kyouka?”

“No...no,” Atsushi started, twirling his bangs around his finger. “Well. Kinda. But we live in the same dorm! I can’t lie to her if I’m disappearing for three whole months!” Especially if he’s murdered by accident with Akutagawa's current mental state , who shot him an intense stare.

“And...s-she also likes watching those extremely cliché romance movies, so she occasionally tells me about it.”

Akutagawa picked at the corner of his book page while he contemplated the idea. All this romance stuff is foolish. The majority of it was made up regardless to please the watcher’s “fantasies” with unrealistic rushed plot and lack of depth. 

He was also a bit surprised to hear Kyouka stayed with him. At least she appeared to be adjusting well with the detectives, and slammed his book shut. He spotted Atsushi jolting in the corner of his eye before setting it down next to him.

Atsushi tugged at the collar of his sweater, the stuffy air getting to him again. 

His sweater was a light-weighted material because it got chilly from the low humidity these few past weeks, but maybe he should begin to wear short-sleeves soon. He paused when he caught sight of the book’s cover in Akutagawa’s grasp.

The Spider’s Thread? Huh, that’s quite fitting to his own ability, he mused and rested his chin on his hand, “What are you thinking, Akutagawa?”

“I suppose so,” he answered with a shrug and looked out the window to view the passing neighborhood. A fleeting thought about if they passed his hometown resurfaced in his mind, most likely so.

“Any name suggestions then, Jinko?”

“Ahh wait...let me just—”

He pulled out his phone and quickly typed in his browser while Akutagawa leaned towards him:

>>>

“How to find the perfect name for your significant other?”

>>>

A handful of websites showed up immediately and Atsushi cringed at the top set of names from the first recommended website.

His face burned at no. 4, ( which was Tiger ). He was so unsure on how to feel about that one especially and he quickly scrolled for another website. The others didn’t suit them anyways.

He felt so overwhelmed at all the different choices but in the end, he clicked on “500+ Cute Couple Nicknames for Him or Her (With Meanings )” because might as well have a huge selection to help them figure this out. 

His dignity was almost lost anyway.

The new site actually gave some advice and tips at the top about picking the right name.

Atsushi snickered.

‘Give them a nickname based on their personality’  

That’s going to be a hard one, he thought and Atsushi moved on to the full list.

Akutagawa narrowed his eyes when the other man laughed, but ignored him. 

“Do you like ‘beloved’?”

Akutagawa gave a blank stare. 

Not interested . “Okay, next...”

Akutagawa looked down at the phone, placing a finger on his lips while his eyes trailed the nicknames himself. 

Baby Doll...Eye Candy...Pumpkin...Lover Boy...Hot Stuff…? 

Akutagawa made a face. Who called people this? Mindful of a few on the list that seemed “neutral” enough, he did not see the point and found this tactless.

“Hmm...oh! What about ‘sweetheart’?” Atsushi piped up, pausing his thumb on the name.

Akutagawa paled. “Absolutely not.”

“Why not? It doesn’t sound too—“

“No. Please, let’s find something else,” Akutagawa urged while he fidgeted in the chair, wrinkling his nose and covering the bottom half of his face with his hand. 

Atsushi looked up and gave him a ‘you-better-tell-the-reason-why’ face. 

Akutagawa warily shot him another look back, saying ‘hell- no’ but Atsushi wasn't going to give up that easily.

“Akutagawa.”

He slumped back into his seat. “Fine.” His hand still covered his mouth, refusing to look at Atsushi. “That...was the name Dazai-san used for his own, let’s say, affairs . Back when he was in the Port Mafia.”

“Affairs? What do you mean his aff—” Atsushi paused, and his mouth made an ‘O’ when it clicked.

Affairs.

Akutagawa sank deeper into the chair.

“With you?” Atsushi questioned and Akutagawa’s entire body flushed with heat. 

He seriously could not be hearing this right now. 

“What? God. No, you fool,” he hissed and took a breath, the weretiger truly was this dense. “With his partner.”

Atsushi tilted his head. Partner? As in Soukoku ? The original Double Black, meaning that was—

“No way,” Atsushi exclaimed, “Nakahara-san...and Dazai-san were uh—uhm...” He couldn't finish the sentence.

Akutagawa sighed, nodding furiously and shifted in the seat. “...You’re right.”

Atsushi choked out a laugh. He refused to picture the image of both their mentors together like that and he locked his eyes on the list again. 

“A-alright...then what about,” he muttered, wanting to switch the subject immediately, “...dear?”

Akutagawa glanced at him. “It’s not bad.”

It was an addition to the animal-sounding nickname he already used for him.

“Okay cool, we need two more.”

Akutagawa wanted to smack him. “ Why? ‘ Dear’ and ‘Jinko’ work fine.”

Atsushi rolled his eyes. “You seriously can’t be thinking you would still call me ‘Jinko’? You’re impossible.”

“Then...” His eyes caught on the name below Atsushi’s finger. ‘ Sweetheart’ was a definite no but—

Akutagawa coughed into his hand, relaxing the tightness in his throat. He dragged his eyes off the phone to look into Atsushi’s eyes, who squinted at him.

"¿Te parece bien,...mi amor?" (A/N: “Are you okay with this,...my love?”)

‘My love’ didn’t sound half-bad for him.

Atsushi froze, unable to contain his jaw becoming slacked and he stared wide-eyed at the man. 

He might have almost dropped his phone. 

What the HELL. 

He understood like one, or maybe two words from his lack of knowledge in the language but his voice—

Akutagawa already did have a velvety-tone to his words when he wasn’t provoked and ready to stab someone, and the faint japanese accent combined with this... that was something.

“You. You can speak Spanish?!”

“Yes,” Akutagawa scoffed, fiddling with the cuffs of his jacket. “I had missions abroad quite often before.”

“I-I see.”

Atsushi scratched the bottom of his chin while he absorbed this information and Akutagawa massaged his temples, head pounding from all the courtship nonsense.

It did make sense for someone of high rank like him in the Port Mafia. What else could he speak? Atsushi wanted to ask, but a frigid silence seeped between them and concluded the conversation ended.

He needed a break too and they could figure out the rest later so he rested his head on his hand again to focus on the passing scenery of water.

After about 20 minutes of staring out the window Atsushi began nodding off, hitting his head on the glass.

“Ow,” he muttered and Akutagawa tched under his breathwhen turning a page of the book his nose was in again.

Atsushi sighed, deciding to succumb to his need for rest. 

He hated naps due to how much he usually needed to get done during the day but might as well get some sleep if it’s still hours until they arrived. Exhaustion has almost become second-nature to him because of his job so he supposed this whole marriage fiasco can be somewhat of vacation too.

Atsushi adjusted his arm underneath him as a makeshift pillow against the window and his eyes fluttered close, falling asleep instantly.

A few hours later, Atsushi woke up to Akutagawa being in the same position as before.

Akutagawa paid no attention to him while he sat up and stretched his arms. Massaging some kinks in his neck caused from his odd sleeping position.

“Are we there yet?” Atsushi yawned out.

Akutagawa turned a page. “Almost.”

Another hour of nothing passed and finally , the train pulled to the stop.

Akutagawa and Atsushi grabbed their things and headed out of the train.

Atsushi’s head spun from all the commotion when they entered Fukuoka station: ranging from overcrowded lines for city-street vendors, hailing taxi drivers and a lot of people in fancy work attire rushing throughout the area. 

He squinted from the blinding sun when they got outside of the main building, blinking rapidly to adjust to the harsh exposure. 

It’s a lot hotter here than in Yokohama , he noticed.

He followed Akutagawa across the street and into a smaller building.

Wind chimes clanged when they entered and Akutagawa signaled for a receptionist who arrived moments later with a thin pocket folder and pen-in-hand.

Akutagawa nodded at the worker, accepting the items and he flipped through the contents enclosed. He slipped out one of the items, skimming through quickly before signing at the bottom and handed it back to the person.

The worker bowed and disappeared into the backroom behind the counter.

When they returned, Atsushi’s mouth fell open while he watched them place a set of keys in Akutagawa’s hand.

Akutagawa bowed to the receptionist and yanked Atsushi by the arm, who kept standing there like the fool he was.

“You bought a car?” Atsushi hissed, finding his voice once they were back outside and Akutagawa rolled his eyes.

“Rental. Now shut up and get in.” 

Atsushi trembled when his eyes followed Akutagawa’s line of sight and spotted a sleek black car parked across the road.

He wanted to collapse right there. From the scalding heat that began to get to him or Akutagawa himself, he couldn’t tell.

How rich was this guy?!

Somehow he managed to move his feet and slumped down into the passenger’s seat, mumbling gibberish to himself while Akutagawa started the car.

Akutagawa picked up the words ignorant and pretentious in whatever nonsense Atsushi was spewing and he gritted his teeth. 

Thankfully, he didn’t say something directly at him and drove in another round of silence towards Yame, Fukuoka.

They exited the city, and farther into the countryside of the island.

***

During the drive, Atsushi became conscious of another major concern. Not including how much this trip was costing the mafioso and his endless debts towards him. 

So, maybe getting killed from Akutagawa was more appealing than he thought.

But no, this time he wasn’t aware of this other predicament himself until they pulled into a driveway of a gated estate and revealed an extremely traditional and rich-looking home.

It had an authentic countryside flair with the rolling hills and stretching acres of rice paddies surrounding the premises. Also including a flourishing garden of chrysanthemums and hydrangeas in the front yard.

It was exceptionally beautiful. He might be able to fully appreciate this later when his throat didn’t feel like it was closing and his stomach wasn’t twisted with nausea. Because now, his mind was nagging him with a very real, and very personal dilemma he couldn’t believe he did not catch up on until now.

The judgment of Akutagawa’s family. Of their relationship.

Atsushi could admit he’s a bit lost when it came to himself, especially personal stuff. 

He glanced over at Akutagawa. Detached grey eyes scanned the area while he parked underneath one of the apricot trees on the farside of the house. And the car shut off with a faint click when he removed the key from the ignition.

Akutagawa unfastened his seat, smoothing out his blazer’s sleeves to brush off some invisible... dust? Atsushi didn’t see anything and he couldn’t focus either as he watched the other man peer up at the rearview mirror to fix his bangs. 

Atsushi huffed, he looked cool as ever. 

Did it not occur to him how their “relationship” might be perceived? Because honestly, he’s so confused right now for a much bigger reason than the one he dragged himself into.

Hell, why didn’t he think about how he perceived the relationship?

Uneasy memories of the headmaster's words and certain punishments from such thoughts were brought to mind and he wanted to hide. 

He despised himself even more when his body started shaking.

How did he feel about this entire thing?

Atsushi’s internal monologue was interrupted when the car door opened and yelped when his arm slipped, lurching forwards. If it wasn’t for the seatbelt still strapped across his waist he probably would’ve fallen out of the car.

He glared up at Akutagawa, who looked down at him with a blank expression.

“I don’t know what you’re staring at but we’re here.”

Atsushi unclicked his seatbelt. “I know. I know.”

He dragged himself out of the car and shook his head to clear his racing mind.

Akutagawa wasted no time and grabbed his hand once he managed to stand on his two feet.

Atsushi flinched, face twisting into a grimace but he didn’t let go. 

They didn’t establish boundaries with touching yet.

“Your hands are like ice!” 

Akutagawa raised his chin, giving him a once over. “And yours are perspiring, come on.”

“Why can’t you speak like a normal person?!” 

“Apologies dear, your language skills aren’t educated enough,” the mafioso retorted.

The detective's face heated up at the nickname and scowled. 

He shot daggers at the back of Akutagawa’s head. Idiot.

Akutagawa led them away from the car and entered an arbor embellished with peach blossoms. 

Their shoes clacked on the stoned pathway leading up to the front entrance, filling the odd tension between the pair. Atsushi looked upwards, taking in the height of the two-story home with ebony-wood columns and beams with matching deep eaves overhanging the roof’s structure. The exterior’s spacious architecture was nothing like the cramped city apartments he’s used too. 

He absolutely loved Yokohama, but seeing the countryside like this was refreshing with the designs. 

The wooden stairs creaked underneath them as they stepped on the platform and both paused to look at each other.

Akutagawa raised his chin, grey-eyes piercing at Atsushi.

Ready? Is what he asked with his expression.

No. Atsushi smiled weakly in return. 

He wondered if Akutagawa could hear how loud his heart was pounding.  

Atsushi gripped his hand tighter when Akutagawa reached for the doorbell although his head was already too preoccupied anticipating his very possible impending doom to realize.

Akutagawa side-eyed the other man, surprised at the action but pressed his lips together. He refused to comment on it.

Atsushi’s ear perked up at the sound of shuffling and murmurs inside.

The door clicked open and he sucked in a breath.

Well, here goes nothing.

Chapter Text

Oji-san = Uncle

Oba-san = Aunt

~

"What convinces readers is realism, while what fascinates them is romanticism." ~ Nakajima Atsushi (Light, Wind & Dreams)

Back & Forth:

The front door opened and Atsushi fiddled with a button on his flannel when he heard a loud clutter.

“Gin, watch out!”

“I got it—! Oh wait, oops nevermind...”

Atsushi lifted his head the exact moment a white blur darted out of the house and leaped directly at him.

He jolted, attempting to move out of the way but his hand clasped around Akutagawa’s hindered his usual-quick reflexes. He stumbled over his feet and fell backwards.

Akutagawa, oblivious as ever, scrunched up his face at the commotion and turned to Atsushi to ask him why he’s fidgeting.

“J—?”

His eyes widened when he was pulled harshly towards the silver-haired man, who was also one step away from the edge. 

Akutagawa attempted to pull him back but he tripped on the platform and they both toppled over the steps.

He cursed when they crashed on the grass. 

No longer holding hands, Akutagawa held his head until his vision cleared. His wrist felt numb, but he could still move it.

“Are you both okay?” A deep and gentle voice above them asked.

“Yeah, yeah. We’re okay.” Akutagawa clicked his tongue, clutching his arm that took most of the impact and gritted his teeth. He twisted his body towards Atsushi. “What, were you think—”  

His words dissipated as his face fell at the sight in front of him.

Atsushi chuckled, not at Akutagawa, but at the white doe-eyed creature who crawled onto his lap. Its tail wagging and began licking his face while he stroked its soft fur. He winced at the feeling but he smiled brightly and accepted the happy greeting. 

Akutagawa grimaced. “...Oji-san, you didn’t mention you had a dog.”

“I did, actually. She is family to us.”

Akutagawa looked up to where his uncle stood in the doorway with Gin peeking over his shoulder. She mouthed ‘sorry’, trying to hold back a smile while she looked at the two—well, three on the ground.

“What’s her name?” Atsushi asked.

A white beast, Akutagawa answered for himself, mouth twisted as he stared.

“Ume-chan.” Akutagawa’s uncle smiled.

Atsushi picked up one of her paws, shaking it gently. “Ume-chan,” he repeated and chuckled again when the dog nuzzled its head against his shirt. Content with the warmth radiating off him.

Akutagawa stood first, having had enough of this mushy scene unfold in front of him and brushed the grass off him. 

He opened his mouth to greet his uncle properly when his neck pricked him with a reminder of an extreme fundamental factor of why he was there in the first place. 

He turned back to his fake fiancé, biting back a sigh.

He can do this. 

They can pretend to care for each other. 

Akutagawa’s back faced away from his uncle so he didn’t see the venomous glare shot towards the weretiger but nevertheless, he held out his hand.

"Atsushi.”

Two heads shot up at the sound of his voice and that irked him even more. He didn’t need the dog’s attention now.

Stunned sunset eyes locked with a fierce grey and an odd expression flickered on Atsushi’s face. 

Akutagawa feared he yelled at him out of habit when Atsushi averted his gaze to the ground and bit his lip. Although within the next second, he lifted his head back up and grinned wide at him.

“Yes, dear?”

Akutagawa took a step back and blinked.

Did he miss something here?

He coughed and reached his hand out again, which the other man grabbed this time.

Atsushi was careful to place Ume on the grass and she pranced around their feet once Akutagawa pulled him off the ground. 

A light blush of fuchsia was evident on the other's face once they stood shoulder-to-shoulder again with joined hands and they stepped back onto the porch.

Akutagawa furrowed his eyebrows. 

The man’s reaction was so unusual...all he said was—

Oh.

Atsushi.

Before he could ruminate on that part, Gin, the blessing she was, kneeled down and grabbed Ume before she attempted to get any closer to Akutagawa. 

She glanced down at their adjoined hands and Akutagawa tightened his fists, causing Atsushi to make a face. 

Now he was the one gripping his hand too tight.

“Cut it out!” Atsushi whispered and Akutagawa loosened his grip.

“Ah—sorry.”

Gin petted the top of the dog’s head and she smirked up at Akutagawa.

“Hey, brother.”

“Hi, Gin," he replied curtly and his eyes narrowed when she turned to Atsushi.

“And Atsushi-san!” she beamed.

Atsushi laughed. “H-hello, Gin-chan. Good to see you.” And he returned her smile with one of his own while he held the back of his neck with his other hand not attached to Akutagawa.

The last time Atsushi saw her, she wore a flowing white dress with her black hair down to her waist, but now it was pulled back into a messy bun. She wore white again although this time it was a linen blouse with denim button jeans.

“You too!” Gin replied to him. “I’ll keep Ume with me until you guys settle in. There’s a lot to catch up on.” Her gaze shifted to her brother. “A lot.”

Akutagawa clenched his jaw and nodded when Gin smirked at him again before she turned on her heels and went back inside the house with the dog.

Leaving them both alone with Akutagawa’s uncle.

“Well, that was something...sorry about Ume-chan, she gets hyper with guests but no worries, she’s gentle. Welcome boys!” he greeted the pair and placed a hand down on Atsushi’s shoulder. “You must be Atsushi-kun.”

Atsushi recoiled, bumping into Akutagawa and he flinched again. “S-sorry! It’s nice to meet you, Akutagawa-san.” He attempted to bow and ducked his head down.

Akutagawa Dōshō laughed. “Relax boy, I won’t bite.”

“He’s...not used to affection yet, Oji-san,” Akutagawa fussed, feeling defensive over the lack of personal space and wanted to yank his hand away but he pursed his lips instead.

Atsushi raised an eyebrow as he stood up straight.

Ironically, he’s the one who initiated the most contact like a hug with his friends or gave a cheesy-compliment, while Akutagawa was the one who despised any kind of physical touch or kindness.

Atsushi felt...off to be comfortable with Akutagawa’s family. It wasn’t right of him to get close to them.

His uncle leaned back, taking the hint and offered some distance. A fond expression on his face, glancing between the two boys. 

“Your mother was the same way.”

Akutagawa scrunched up his nose. “She was?”

He vaguely recalled when she used to hug Gin and him each night before she tucked them in bed. Along with quick pecks on their father’s cheek like when he got home late from work.

“Yes. You and Gin, you both take after her in many ways. Especially with the facial features. But alas, your father’s genes still became prevalent too.” His uncle pointed at his own eyes, which were a light brown. They twinkled when his smile broadened until it fell into a somber one.

“How are you doing these days, Ryuunosuke?”

Akutagawa shifted his weight on his other foot. 

“...I’m alright.”

He squirmed under the gaze of his uncle, swirling with an unknown emotion he couldn’t put his finger on. He didn’t like it at all.

Atsushi shrunk a bit too, sensing an odd atmosphere.

“Your aunt and I...we tried searching for you and Gin directly after we heard about what happened to your parents—but it was like both of you ceased to exist as well.” He swallowed. “We definitely would’ve tried to take you in with us if we knew sooner you were both in Yokohama...I’m sorry we failed you both, but no need to dwell on what could’ve happened!” Akutagawa’s uncle eyes brightened again. “We’re glad to know you’re both alive and well, that’s all.”

He's especially happy Ryuunosuke found someone.

Akutagawa chewed on his lip, trying to formulate a response to that.

He didn’t have the heart in him (surprisingly).

The reason he didn’t reach out to them after the accident was he ran away with Gin before child services arrived at their home. He didn’t want to be placed in the corrupted system and risk being separated from his sister, and only family within Japan at the time if they couldn’t live in the states. 

So they lived their youth in the slums. A personification of Hell itself that reeked with death and dirt until the Port Mafia found them and gave them the better necessities to live.

Akutagawa had no knowledge on how to contact them regardless. He was only ten years old. 

Naive, and disposable in the eyes of society.

He cleared his throat, a smile plastered on lips to express his gratitude when a new voice interrupted them. 

“Why didn’t you tell me they were here?”

The odd trio looked up.

Akutagawa’s uncle chuckled nervously. “They’re here, honey.” He took a step away from the door to reveal Akutagawa Tomo.

“Ryuunosuke!” 

She stepped forward, opening her arms and pulled him into a hug.

Akutagawa's eyes bulged at the action and stiffened, letting go of Atsushi’s hand. He returned the hug back with his arms hanging at an odd angle, unsure what to do with them.

“Hi, Oba-san...” he greeted and stole a glance at Atsushi.

Atsushi covered his mouth to stifle a laugh at the man’s grave expression.

Tomo turned to Atsushi, pulling him into the same bear hug. 

“And it’s so lovely to meet the lucky one here!” 

Atsushi held back a gasp and forced out a laugh while he hugged Akutagawa’s aunt’s back. “Y-you too! Uhm...Akutagawa-san.”

When she let go, she reached over to Akutagawa and ruffled his hair. “You grew tall.”

Akutagawa’s face reddened and covered his face with his hand.

“It’s been ten years,” he muttered back and she smiled fondly at her nephew.

“It has.” Tomo clapped her hands together. “Oh right! The trip must've been long. Go go and grab your things.” She shooed them with her hand. “I can show you the room and let you both rest for a bit afterwards.”

The pair nodded and after the interesting meet-and-greet, which left Akutagawa in an anguish of mixed feelings, Atsushi wandered back to the car to grab their bags.

Once inside the house, Akutagawa Tomo led them upstairs after placing their shoes in the genkan.

They walked down a long corridor with cream-colored walls and an ebony ceiling. 

“We’re so happy to see you again, Ryuunosuke. Hard to imagine it’s been over ten years!”

Akutagawa rarely uttered a word in general and Atsushi noticed his stiff stance when he hummed a reply towards his aunt.

Indifferent grey eyes glanced at the family portraits along the walls and Akutagawa recognized some of the faces from the brief family occasions when he was younger.

Atsushi continued to trail behind him, watching his feet to be careful and not to trip over Akutagawa’s heels.

“There’s a double futon mattress already laid out on the bed,” Akutagawa’s aunt told them while they ventured past an office of some-sorts. “Don’t worry though, we recently bought a single for you separately, Atsushi-kun! It’s on the top shelf in the closet.”

Atsushi cringed. 

More debts.

“That...wasn’t really necessary to spend money on us, Akutagawa-san.”

She turned around. “Oh, don’t be silly~! And please, call me Tomo. You boys might be married soon but two individuals still deserve the space when they need it.” Tomo placed a finger on her lips and winked at the pair. “It makes a stronger connection.”

Atsushi halted in place and his eyes went wide. “It does?!” 

Akutagawa choked on air.

“Oba-san!” he rasped out mid-cough and went through a coughing fit.

Atsushi wearily looked towards him, debating if he needed to drop the bags and help the guy. Akutagawa’s aunt chuckled, her eyes crinkling around the edges and the sound reminded Atsushi of a certain conniving individual. 

Relief settled in his gut when she turned away to open a door on her left. “Here’s your room!” she announced while gesturing her arm in a grand gesture. “It’s quite open now with the new furniture so I hope it suits you both.”

Akutagawa coughed again, his hand on his chest. “It looks lovely, Oba-san.” 

Atsushi shuffled in and placed the bags near the dresser on the right side of the door.

A dark walnut tatami platform bed stood in the center against the far wall, parallel to the door. Tall windows with billowing silk curtains framed both sides and they matched the muted blue walls with a white trim. The closet’s door was also located on the far right side of the room where another window was located beside it. On the other side of the dresser there also was a small desk with some scattered pens on top and a chair.

“The door that connects the bathroom is over here.” Tomo walked over to another wooden door on the left and opened it to reveal the washroom with a mounted vanity with two sinks and a porcelain bathtub with a showerhead.

She placed her hand on her hips while she glanced around the room. “I’ll let you two settle in and I will call when dinner’s ready. Oji-san is cooking tonight!”

“Thank you, Akuta—” Atsushi started and Tomo gave him a stern look. “...Tomo-san.”

She smiled. “Let me know if you boys need anything else.” She walked towards the door, closing it behind her.

Once the door clicked shut, Atsushi was slammed against the closet door.

“Hnngh—!” 

Rashōmon manifested out of Akutagawa’s jacket, latching around Atsushi’s waist and hurled him at the wall. He grunted on impact and a blazing silver seared into a startled purple-gold.

“Akutagawa! Your aunt—”

“Listen well, Jinko,” The mafioso snarled, grabbing the front of his flannel and Rashōmon snaked around his throat. “What happens here stays between us. I don’t need my subordinates to pity me over this.”

“Like I would tell anyone! This is embarrassing for me too,” Atsushi snapped back and clawed at Rashōmon. He could still breath but the pressure was nauseating. He already was buzzed with nerves since they arrived here and didn’t think activating his own ability was a wise choice either.

“Akutagawa, l-let go!”

Akutagawa's gaze bored into him, enmity overpowering his intense features until a spark of coherence lit up in his expression. Rashōmon recoiled and Atsushi slumped against the wall while Akutagawa took a step back, stumbling back on the bed.

“I’m...I’m s-sorry,” he breathed, shoulders sagging. “I...I’m just not comfortable either.” With having a family again. "It’s agitating me to act normal around them.”

Atsushi grimaced when he leaned against the doorframe and held his throat where the ability caved in and burned a little. He sighed, it would heal in a few minutes.

“It’s alr—” Atsushi began but Akutagawa cut him off with a glare.

“No, it’s not. Stop trying to justify everything. I shouldn’t have lashed out and taken it out on you, okay?”

Atsushi silently agreed, watching the mafioso’s face contort when he breathed in again.

Akutagawa’s shoulders shook when he exhaled. “I’m the one who asked you to do this. That wasn’t...I—that wasn't right of me.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Atsushi tried and moved to stand but paused when Akutagawa’s body went rigid. 

He stayed on the floor, not wanting to provoke him further. His mood disturbances were something not to mess with.

Akutagawa pursed his lips. “Not really.”

Atsushi huffed, rubbing at his eyes.

He feels blessed he’s not forced to sleep in the same bed as him tonight as one positive.

“That’s fine,” he said and pulled one leg up towards him to rest his head on. “We need to talk about something else though.”

“What is it, Jinko?” 

“You can’t just touch me.” 

“Excuse me?” Akutagawa gave him a soured look.

Atsushi clenched his teeth. “Look, neither of us are fond of this...arrangement, but if we’re going to act like we’re actually engaged we need to figure this out before one of us snaps again. I’m talking about when you grabbed my hand earlier.”

“Since when is hand holding such a scandal?”

“It’s not. But we didn’t talk about...physical affection before.”

Akutagawa coughed and crossed his arms. “You’re right...go on then.”

“What are you comfortable with doing?”

His forehead creased with confusion. “Meaning?”

Atsushi held back a sigh. 

They definitely didn't plan this out well. 

And both their lack of awareness in the romance department wasn't helping either.

“Alright. Wait.” Atsushi stood up this time. “C-can I try something?”

Akutagawa’s eyes narrowed. “Depends.”

“Please—please do not stab me for what I’m about to do then,” Atsushi whined and dragged his feet over to where Akutagawa sat on the bed, pausing when he hovered over him slightly.

“What are you doing?!” Akutagawa hissed when Atsushi reached out to detangle his crossed arms, and pressed them tighter to his chest.

“Akutagawa, loosen up! You were fine holding hands earlier.”

“That...that was different! We’re alone now. This is unreasonable. And you just said not to touch you!”

Atsushi dropped his head and let out an exasperated huff. “I’m trying to figure out what you’re comfortable with!”

Akutagawa wrinkled his nose but he stopped struggling against Atsushi’s hand, and Atsushi took the chance to gently grab his arm and interlocked their fingers again.

“See, this isn’t so bad,” Atsushi snorted. “So we’re okay with hand-holding in front of your family.”

“I thought we already established that.”

Atsushi rolled his eyes and leaned in closer. 

Akutagawa’s shoulders tensed and he leaned back. He almost stared crossed-eyed at the man until Atsushi angled his head to the side of his face.

“What about this?” he murmured when his mouth was centimeters away from the other’s cheek and his breath totally did not make Akutagawa shudder.

Akutagawa shifted uncomfortably. “J-jinko—“

Atsushi’s head snapped backwards. “Sorry!” He averted his gaze to the floor. He felt hot. “You know what. Nevermind! What we did before in front of them was fine...I—uh, I’m going to unpack now.” 

Akutagawa turned away, hoping his face wasn’t noticeably red like the weretiger. “...Good idea.”

Atsushi pulled away, pulse racing and strode over the closet door. He leaned his hand on the doorframe. 

God, what was he thinking?

Atsushi heard the bed creak behind him and Akutagawa shuffling around the room so he assumed he’s unpacking now too.

He shook his head. This is an act, so of course they would need to test certain things out, that's all.

Atsushi opened the closet, wincing when he opened it harder than he intended and the door banged against the wall. He flicked up the light switch on the side and found out the “closet” was actually a walk-in wardrobe. 

He was busy mumbling something unintelligent, stuffing his socks in a drawer of some kind of expensive-looking wood and Akutagawa tsked at the noise while he continued unpacking his own shirts.

Tomo called them both down to the kitchen about an hour later.

Dinner was a combination of beef yakitori, kimchi rice, miso soup and edamame.

Over the meal (which Atsushi eagerly complimented Dōshō Akutagawa on) the pair learned Akutagawa Tomo was a landscape architect. She assisted with the creation of many public parks designs and scenery of much larger projects regarding the community in the city of San Francisco.

“If it involves any kind of natural environment. She’s amazing at it!” Akutagawa's Uncle praised and she swatted at his arm.

“Okay honey, no need to brag.”

“About my own wife? I’m proud of your work, let me share.”

Tomo rolled her eyes. “Says the one who created the full garden out there.”

He pointed his fork at her. “That’s completely different.”

"Sure, honey.”

“You designed the whole landscape outside?” Atsushi exclaimed, interrupting them and they both looked at him, causing him to jolt.

Dōshō held the back of his neck. “Actually, we designed the whole house.”

Atsushi’s eyes lit up. “Wow, that’s impressive!”

“It is,” Akutagawa agreed, who sat beside him and took a sip of his hot tea while he listened.

“Thank you, boys,” Akutagawa’s uncle said while snapping open an edamame. “Ume-chan loves the sun. We wanted to make sure she had great scenery to run around in.”

“She deserves the best!” Atsushi looked over in the living room where she slept on the couch with her paws underneath her head.

“Enough about us though,” Tomo said and Atsushi turned back. “What do you do for a living, Atsushi-kun?” She poured more tea for Akutagawa when he placed the cup on the table, who quietly thanked her.

“Oh? Uhm...well, I work in an office," Atsushi answered and Akutagawa kicked him underneath the table.

He smiled through the pain radiating from his ankle. "At the publishing company where Akutagawa works! Since we're colleagues, but—if I'm being honest here though, I'm more of an assistant." And technically with chaotic people with supernatural abilities not including Akutagawa. "I'm not sure what I'm aiming for yet."

He didn’t have any other hobbies, huh?

“That’s okay, take your time with that one,” Akutagawa’s uncle assured.

Atsushi nodded and smiled. “Y-yeah...” He hates this.

“On to another important question then. How did you two meet?” Akutagawa’s aunt gushed, breaking the awkward air Atsushi was about to suffocate from. She dabbed at her mouth with a napkin to hide a coy smile.

“In an alleyway.”

“Uh, on the streets—“

Akutagawa and Atsushi shot a look at each other.

“In an alleyway, seriously?” Atsushi mouthed at Akutagawa who shrugged his shoulders.

Atsushi reached for the ginger tea on the table, taking a slow sip.

“He used to be a fledgling there,” Akutagawa announced and Atsushi almost spat out his drink.

He squinted at the mafioso. 

Where’s he going with this?

Akutagawa cleared his throat before continuing. "Technically the coffee boy at the publishing company, if we want specifics. One morning I was running late for work while on a phone call with my assistant editor, Higuchi, about a recent manuscript. And we accidentally collided at the front entrance." Akutagawa grinned at his fake fiancé and golden eyes widened. "My white dress shirt was stained from the coffee he was holding for the boss, which you still owe me for."

Atsushi scoffed and poked at his food with his fork. “Says the one who took me out for coffee the next week!” he lied right back. Surprised how Akutagawa formulated the story so easily. Plus talkative of all things.

This was definitely bizarre.

Akutagawa waved him off. “That’s irrelevant. And I believe I was the one who asked you out for compensation.”

“It was just a shirt.”

“A favorite one.” Akutagawa glared. “Anyways, people joke all the time the office building reminded them of an alleyway due to how tinted the windows are before entering the place. Like a mafia hideout where they lured their prey.”

Or torture chamber, Atsushi mentally added.

He still remembered the foul stench of blood stuck to his skin from their first few encounters with salt-laced gunpowder filling his lungs. Along with the crackling energy of Rashōmon around him that tore through his skin far too many times to count.

"Aku—I mean, dear, this is not the time to talk like that," he chided with a nervous laugh. His eyes darting to Akutagawa's aunt and uncle, who were listening with attentive expressions and uneasiness washed over him.

“Isn’t that exactly what happened to us?” Akutagawa countered him.

Yes, but not now. “Are you implying you purposely got coffee spilled on yourself to lure me in for a date?”

Akutagawa raised an eyebrow. “Fue odio a primera vista, mi amor.” (A/N: It was hate at first sight, my love.) He glanced down at his tea. “No, it was truly hate at first sight.”

“That took you less than a week to recover from, apparently.”

“Ridiculous! You were the love-sick fool first.”

"Alright, if you say so," Atsushi snickered and Akutagawa stared back baffled at the detective, opening his mouth with an insult on his tongue when—

“That’s cute,” Gin piped up, causing both Atsushi and Akutagawa to almost jump from their chairs. 

They forgot she was here too.

“Be quiet, Gin,” Akutagawa snapped but there was no bite to it. He hid his face with his hand to cough while Atsushi began to tug at his shirt collar. 

He wished he had water instead of hot tea.

The rest of the dinner Akutagawa and Atsushi managed to dodge more questions regarding their “relationship” and listened about Akutagawa’s uncle's next project of fixing the shed in the backyard and transform it into a greenhouse.

Once everyone finished eating, they all helped clean up the table.

Akutagawa followed Gin to the parlor, who wanted to show him a new music piece she was working on and Dōshō took Ume outside, which left Atsushi in the kitchen with Tomo.

Akutagawa Tomo hummed next to him. She rinsed the rest of the plates in the sink while he dried one of the pots with a towel. He set it down on the counter and Tomo handed him a wet plate, repeating the process.

“You both make a great match,” she told him and the plate almost slipped out of Atsushi’s hands.

“P-pardon?”

Tomo laughed quietly and Atsushi placed the fragile object on the counter, wringing the towel in his hands.

She turned off the water and smiled at him. “As a boy he was a good kid, aloof and stubborn as hell.”

Atsushi snorted at that.

“But, it was because he was extremely self-conscious with emotions, so it’s nice to see him more comfortable, especially with someone outside the family now.”

She held out her hand and Atsushi gave her the towel where she placed it back on a hook over the sink. “I know ten years old is an odd comparison to him being twenty now...” Tomo placed her hands on her hips. “His parents would be proud though.”

Atsushi smiled when she glanced over and he said the first thing that surfaced in his mind.

“I agree.” And that’s true, regardless of how much he hated the man. “Thank you for inviting us, Tomo-san.”

Tomo reached up and ruffled his hair. “You’re sweet. Of course, Atsushi-kun. It’s lovely to have Ryuunosuke, Gin, and you here with us. Makes the whole house lively!”

“Atsushi.”

A familiar raspy voice spoke up and Atsushi’s shoulders tensed. He turned, spotting Akutagawa leaning against the kitchen entryway with his hands stuffed in his pockets.

Atsushi tilted his head. “Yes?”

“Are you...ready to retire for the night?”

His heart fluttered for some reason.

“Eh? Sure,” he replied, although he believed it sounded more like a question.

Akutagawa cleared his throat, then signaled for him to follow and Atsushi bowed his head towards Akutagawa's aunt.

“Goodnight, Tomo-san!”

“Sleep well!” she called after them.

When the pair reached the stairs Atsushi blew his bangs out of his eyes.  Akutagawa sped-walk towards the room with Atsushi one step behind him. The mafioso sighed deeply and his shoulders sagged once the bedroom door closed.

Atsushi gave him a once over. “What was that about?” he questioned as he went to grab a change of clothes.

“You looked like you needed an escape.”

Atsushi smirked, although Akutagawa couldn’t see it. “Or maybe you did. I was enjoying the conversation with your aunt.” He snagged a pair of sweatpants and t-shirt from the closet, reaching on the top shelf for the futon to lay out next to the bed. “She might have told me a secret of your childhood if you didn’t interrupt.”

Atsushi re-entered the bedroom and noticed Akutagawa took off his jacket, which he threw it over the dresser and now sat on the bed where he unclasped his wristwatch to place on the side table. 

Akutagawa scoffed. “Like I did anything interesting during those days.”

Atsushi hummed while he aimlessly unbuttoned his flannel and Akutagawa’s gaze accidentally drifted towards the movement. 

He covered his eyes with his hand. “There’s a bathroom like 12 feet away, Jinko,” he muttered and Atsushi pulled his hand away.

“Oh? Sorry! Out of habit.” 

He scuffled towards the washroom but he didn’t close the door. The angle hid him enough and he threw the flannel off him, slipping on a grey t-shirt. After he changed into his sleepwear, Atsushi peeked out the door at Akutagawa, who faced away from him. 

He looked small in that oversized white crewneck.

“I noticed you keep switching back and forth with my name today.” 

Akutagawa turned his head briefly at the sound of Atsushi’s voice.

“Well, it’s you.” He coughed. “You said not to use ‘Jinko’ with them so...” 

“It just was different...” Atsushi trailed off. 

He never heard him say his first name before.

Did he like it? He wasn’t sure.

“Is there a point to this conversation?” Akutagawa twisted his body towards the detective with his mouth flattened in a straight line.

“No! Not really, just mentioning.”

“Good.” Akutagawa stalked over to the dresser and pulled out his own sleeping attire. “I’m getting changed,” he muttered and slammed the bathroom door shut.

Atsushi sighed, rubbing his neck. 

He sure was stubborn.

Akutagawa exited the bathroom a few minutes later and Atsushi sat crossed legged on the futon laid out on the floor, typing on his phone. He looked away before Atsushi looked up and wandered over to the desk to switch off the lamp. Darkness saturated the room and Akutagawa fidgeted. 

He slowly made his way to the bed, sinking slightly when he laid down. He pulled the duvet to his chin, making sure to face the opposite way where Atsushi was. The weretiger might be on the ground but it still felt weird to be in the same room.

He liked his privacy.

Akutagawa heard a faint thud of Atsushi placing his phone beside him and then all that was heard was their slow breaths, along with the lively sounds of the night outside.

“Goodnight, Akutagawa.”

The mafioso wrinkled his nose, pressing his face into the pillow.

“...Night, Jinko.”

~

Chapter Text

Content Warnings: mentions of loss & contemplations of life.

~

"Both defeat and humiliation have been my constant companion. I have always been a straggler, wallowing in darkness.” ~ Akutagawa Ryuunosuke

Stressed Out:

Trickling water echoed in the distance.

Akutagawa blinked his eyes open and looked down. He couldn’t even see his hand.

Everything was pitch-black around him. Like he was an empty void of nothingness and after a moment, he looked upwards too.

There was not even one star in the sky.

Was he even outside?

Akutagawa wrapped his arms around himself and took one step towards where he thought the water was coming from. He faintly acknowledged he wore his usual black coat and cravat when his black heel clacked on the floor, the sound reverberating within the space.

“...”

Where was everyone?

Where was Gin?

“Ryuunosuke!”

Akutagawa whipped up his head to the sound of his name and he squinted through the dark.

“Gin...?” 

That didn’t sound like her though...

It was so achingly familiar, because it sounded more like their—

An ear-splitting crack of shattering glass erupted on his left and Akutagawa ducked, covering his eyes from the shards raining down and an orange blaze interrupted his vision.

He breathed in, gagging from an acrid stench of gasoline pervading in the air.

“R-rashōmon!”

Red and crackling tendrils sheathed around him, fully prepared to strike at the enemy yet there was no physical pursuer in sight at all.

Akutagawa coughed, holding his hand over his nose and his stomach churned. The blistering flames overpowered him but somehow his whole body shivered. He tugged his coat closer to himself, teeth chattering. 

Only his lungs were burning.

How was it so cold here?

“Ryuunosuke, where are you?” the same voice called out. Farther away now and he staggered, drawing back his ability.

Akutagawa fell to his knees as the weight of familiarity crashed down on him.

He hasn’t heard her voice in so long.

“Mom...” he rasped out, eyes watering from the harsh smells and he clenched his teeth.

Akutagawa attempted to reach out towards the voice again although an intangible force pinned him to the ground, paralyzed. 

Of course.

He could never get to them.

Because he was a wretched child with no power. 

One that was never strong enough to save them.

Akutagawa choked down the bitterness in his mouth and his shoulders shook hard.

They had been gone for years.

“Ryuu, are you alright?”

~

Akutagawa’s eyes shot open with his heart pounding fast in his chest.

For a brief second he thought he couldn’t move and relief flooded his system when he was able to shift his arm laid across his chest. He sat up, grunting from the stiffness in his shoulders and the duvet pooled around his waist while he rubbed at his eyes. A heavy throbbing was in his head and he clutched at his nightshirt.

His eyes flicked to the neon green glow of the clock on top of the dresser.

3:19 A.M.

God, he rarely slept.

He recalled tossing and turning in the bed until about 2:00 a.m. when sleep eventually took him, although it seemed the darkness wanted to plague him with exhaustion too.

Akutagawa exhaled shakily, running a hand down his face.

He shook his head, easing off some of the thick blanket of fatigue when his half-lidded eyes trailed to the left and blinked.

He was alone in the room.

Akutagawa sat up straighter and completely alert now.

And he wasn't at home in his and Gin's apartment.

He gaped at the wrinkled mess of an empty futon and blankets on the floor.

But in Yame, Fukuoka because—

“What the hell,” Akutagawa hissed.

He threw the duvet off him, his feet hitting the cool wooden-floor as he sped-walked towards the door and grabbed his blazer on the dresser. When he reached the genkan downstairs, just like he predicted, Atsushi’s boots were gone too.

“I swear. I’m going to kill him." Akutagawa slipped on his own shoes. “Screw this six-month promise.” He clenched his fists and stormed out of the house.

Warm air fanned against his already boiling-skin and for once, he didn’t worry about being cold outside.

Another thing he despised, but that’s another spiel.

Akutagawa stilled, breathing hard when he saw the rental car still parked on the far side of the house and furrowed his eyebrows. Baffled while annoyance crept up the back of his neck too.

If that’s still here...

He glanced back at the house. The only source of light being the mini solar lights along the stone path and oriental light fixtures hung up near the front door.

Where the hell was he? 

In corner of his eye he spotted the backyard’s gate entrance and its metal handle was unlatched. He was able to see part of the yard through a small opening where the wooden door wasn’t shut all the way.

He inhaled, jaw tightening and glowered as he stalked towards the gate.

The gate’s rusted hinges creaked as he shoved it open, palms flat on the coarse wood and entered the yard.

Akutagawa scanned throughout the area. He fidgeted while taking in the sight of the poorly-lit area although his plans of premeditated murder expired when he saw a familiar silhouette underneath the trees.

A rush of warmth spread through his body, stress leaving him. He clicked his tongue from the fact the other man’s choppy hair-cut stuck out regardless of the poor lighting and began to walk towards him.

“It’s quiet here,” Atsushi exclaimed to Akutagawa, his voice low and hoarse.

He faced away from the other but Atsushi heard the gate being pushed open and the soft rustling of the grass as Akutagawa crept up behind him.

Atsushi’s hands were stuffed in the pockets of his sweatpants with his head tilted up towards the night sky, standing under one of the many apricot trees on the premises. Akutagawa figured that out as he eyed the pale orange fruit hanging from the branches.

“...It's not like the city at all.”

Akutagawa hummed in agreement.

Or at least he thought he did.

His head was still quite hazy from waking up and his pulse raced fast because he thought—he swallowed hard...

He thought Atsushi left.

“I can’t drive so it’s not like I can leave and go back,” Atsushi added. Like he could sense Akutagawa’s apprehensive state, which caused a strange emotion in his chest. 

A blight he buried deep and repressed for as long as he could remember.

Atsushi turned around when Akutagawa was about six feet away and Akutagawa halted, taking a step back. He was unable to hide the uneasy expression on his face.

Pools of sterling-silver reflected back at him as he took in the sight of the full moon within Atsushi’s golden-purple eyes and at this distance he also saw dark circles underneath them. 

A shadow fell halfway over his face but nevertheless, Atsushi was glowing, or well—Akutagawa coughed—his eyes were.

“You couldn’t sleep either?” Atsushi asked and held the back of his neck. A glint of empathy flashed across his face but it was gone just as fast as Akutgawa blinked.

Akutagawa noticed his voice sounded a bit rougher, or was it just deeper?

He averted his gaze away from the silver-haired man and looked up at the sky. A luminous bright haze from the moon and constellations of tiny stars twinkled above them, lighting up the blackness of the night.

It wasn’t so dark here.

“You could say that.”

And it was quiet, like the weretiger said. 

Of course, besides the chirping crickets hidden amongst the brush along the house or whooshing leaves whenever the warm breeze blew. There were no wailing sirens, no rushing traffic, and especially no loitering people in the streets that blasted music at an ungodly hour.

Just the two of them, underneath the apricot tree.

The mafioso's attention returned to the detective when he chuckled. It sounded...pleasant in his ears, but it also irked him.

“What’s so amusing?” Akutagawa narrowed his eyes at him. 

Atsushi shook his head. “N-nothing!” he replied too quickly and his eyes flickered slightly above Akutagawa.

Akutagawa stalked over and he grabbed the front of Atsushi's shirt, which for some reason caused another round of laughter from the man. “Oi! What is it?! I will not hesitate to cut you in half right now, Jinko.”

The detective held up his hands in surrender. “Okay, okay! Fine, it’s just...” he pointed at the top of the black-haired man’s head.

Akutagawa let go of the Atsushi, maybe a bit too harsh because he stumbled. He winced at his own actions for a split second, but quickly forwent any concern for the weretiger when he reached up to his pat his own head.

Akutagawa tsked when Atsushi smiled wryly at him. “It looked cute.”

The mafioso spluttered, face flushing with heat as he combed his fingers through his hair to smooth it down. “I-I am not cute! Stop spewing nonsense, you fool.” 

“The scary mafioso with a bed-head.” Atsushi’s grin widened. “It sounds cute to me.”

“Is this what sleep deprivation does to you?” Akutagawa made a soured expression. “You’re too sappy, Jinko. It’s disgusting.”

“That’s hardly the ‘sappiest ’ thing I ever said. More like teasing.” 

“It’s weird, stop it.” Akutagawa crossed his arms and huffed.

Atsushi snorted. “Alright, back to rivalry then. Tell me your fears so I can use it against you in the future.”

Akutagawa got quiet and his eyes glued to the ground while Atsushi went back to staring at the night sky.

“...I was never fond of the dark,” Akutagawa admitted about a minute later, lifting his hand to clear his throat and Atsushi’s eyes widened as he looked over at him.

He was actually joking about talking about their fears, expecting to be scoffed at for being foolish, but hey, small victories.

Akutagawa felt exposed verbalizing that out loud, especially to Atsushi.

Yet it felt right to say it.

Although, it wasn’t the type of fear that he couldn't face head on—since his whole occupation basically thrived in the dark so he most likely sounded hypocritical.

It’s mainly the association of the dark—nothing but loss and failure. The majority of the people he cared about he lost during the blackness of the night.

He didn’t fear death, but more often than not, most nights he’d stare at the ceiling for hours in his bed back at home with one thought:

Was this the last day for himself? 

Very likely so with the dangers of his job. But regardless, he definitely wasn’t planning on telling Atsushi this part.

It’s something always in the back of his mind for some reason though. 

“That’s okay.” Atsushi smiled at him, no hint of judgment on his face and he placed a hand on his chin. “I can understand that,” he murmured softly as vivid nights of a cold cellar resurfaced in his mind. “I think I fear not knowing things, or uh—not appreciating things enough.” Akutagawa raised an eyebrow at his words.

“Ridiculous, right?” Atsushi choked out a strained laugh. “You were the one who told me I was already ‘blessed’ with everything. Having this a...ability and friends...it’s still hard sometimes.” His voice got softer at the end.

Akutagawa swallowed as Atsushi’s serene expression crumble into a pained one, with an internal turmoil brewing in his eyes. He was unsure why he didn’t feel the need to lash out at him this time. 

Because Atsushi was truly only a fool to him. The pure hate he held towards the man seeped deep in his bones that irritated him nothing-less. Akutagawa seethed at the thought alone. 

The weretiger ruminated on old wounds that shouldn’t dictate who he was now, and it infuriated him even more by how easily Dazai was wrapped around Atsushi's finger as his replacement.

But his neck pricked with a bit of guilt as he remembered why he was awake at the moment.

Maybe he didn’t want to break this new fragile silence between them and realized they were a little more similar than he’d like to admit.

Akutagawa scoffed, yet it didn’t sound like his usual harsh ones; it was closer to a wistful breath. “As your rival, I’d say that’s pathetic thinking.” Atsushi side-glanced him with an eye roll. “But, as your fake partner—”

Akutagawa tightened his arms around his chest. “—like I said before, the words of your past are fundamentally unrelated to who you are now.” He wrinkled his nose. “I don’t like repeating myself so you better remember this. As mere-humans, we’re automatically spectators of our own lives. Yet, some people forget we’re also our own participators as well...that part is optional though. It takes effort...some needing more than others, but it’s usually what makes the difference between the downfall and rise of ourselves. T-trust me, it’s okay to not know things as long as you know, and just live with no regrets. You don't have to be a genius to know that.”

Atsushi blinked owlishly as he soaked in the usually-prickly man’s words.

“And you tell me sleep deprivation makes me too sappy.”

Akutagawa jaw's clenched and Atsushi quickly held up his hands again.

“I...I think I get what you mean though.” Atsushi’s mouth quirked up, face heating up a bit. “Thank you for saying that...A—uhm,” He paused and breathed in, “Can—can I actually call you Ryuu?”

Akutagawa made a face. “Huh? Why?”

“It’s just...calling you ‘Akutagawa’ would sound odd in front of your family. They might think I might not know your first name,” he laughed. “Plus, I call Gin by her first name.”

Akutagawa chewed the side of his mouth, wanting to say no with how much weight first-name basis was in context but—

“...I suppose then—for those purposes only. I still don’t like you.”

They were simply pretending to be.

“Wouldn’t doubt that,” Atsushi muttered out and rubbed at his eyes, “I’ll make sure to keep a nightlight in the room too.”

“God, I regret telling you that already. I’m not a kid!”

“Sure, sure.” Atsushi yawned and waved his hand at him.

“I’m older. And taller,” Akutagawa spat out and Rashōmon bristled within his jacket.

“I’m going back to sleep. Good night.” 

Atsushi walked past the man and headed towards the front of the house.

Akutagawa momentarily stood, offended and glared when he realized he was being left behind.

“Oi—don’t just ignore me!”

The silver-haired man didn’t turn around. 

“Jinko!”

Chapter Text

"In days gone by I never repented of my acts. I was sorry always only for what I didn’t do. Professions I did not choose; adventures which I dared not have (in spite of the chances I had to have them, to be sure); various experiences with which I did not meet." ~ Nakajima Atsushi (Light, Wind, and Dreams)

I’m Glad You’re Okay:

Atsushi’s nose twitched. 

A sweet and homey aroma wafted throughout the bedroom, giving him a warm and safe feeling. He had a half-mind to turn on his side and breathed in the vague scent of detergent on the sheets. His eyes were closed and mind muddled with sleep.

He was cozy here. It was nice.

The futon here was way more comfortable and softer than the one he owned back in the dorm apartment he shared with Kyouka.

And the overpowering smell in the room was similar to the scent of freshly-made crepes he sometimes would pick up on the way home for the two of them after a long day of work at the agency.

He would get the mixed-berry and then strawberry for Kyouka, her favorite.

Atsushi grimaced when something wet and slimy licked the side of his face but he was too lumbered by the heaviness of sleep to really care.

“That tickles...” he mumbled into the pillow and he felt the cold sensation again behind his ear. He cracked an eye open, wearily lifting his head and greeted by a blurry image of a familiar fluff of white. “Oh, hi—” Atsushi chuckled when Ume pressed her wet nose against his own and he scrunched his face up. “Good morning, girl.”

She barked in reply, tail wagging fast behind her and pointed upwards. Atsushi smiled and pulled his arm out of the blanket to pet the side of her neck.

“How did you get in here?” Atsushi questioned, giving her a pointed look. Ume ignored him, too distracted from the attention she received by being pet and he heard a low rumbling in her chest.

Ah, right. He answered his own question.

Akutagawa still existed.

“He must’ve left the door open, right Ume-chan?” Atsushi ruffled the top of Ume’s head and she lifted her head up with a soft whine as he sat up.

Atsushi and Akutagawa (including Gin) had been at their aunt and uncle’s house for about roughly a week now. 

Things have been alright, to an extent.

At least no one died.

He could say the prickly man and himself had somewhat of a truce—officially this time too.

Atsushi scratched the back of his head as he recalled the dispute the same night Akutagawa found him in the backyard and they were returning back to their room.

~

One week earlier:

“You’re ridiculous!” Atsushi hissed in a harsh whisper as he walked upstairs with a provoked Akutagawa behind him. The stairs creaked underneath them and he winced, his aunt and uncle’s room not too far away.

“Says the fool who blatantly can never tell the difference between irrationality and rationality.”

“Are you seriously still on about that?”

“I don’t recall ever concluding the conversation in the first place, Jinko.”

“You’re insufferable.” Atsushi turned around to face Akutagawa with crossed arms. They were in the hallway now, just outside of their shared room and their voices seemed to easily bounce off the walls. 

Akutagawa stared at him with a cold and aloof expression. His usual face, what else?

Although they were standing with a mere height difference of 2cm—Akutagawa appeared to tower over him. Sharp grey eyes and mouth clamped shut in a tight line.

An immensity of strength the mafioso possessed within himself from his presence alone, and Atsushi was surely envious of it. He tended to keep himself invisible and small amongst others so he didn’t take up too much space.

Atsushi straightened his shoulders and raised his chin as he looked the other in the eye firmly. “You’re a strong person.” Akutagawa blinked with disbelief. “I never considered you as a kid,” he sighed out, his body aching for sleep. Both their stubborn personalities were a never-ending battle sometimes. “Maybe an idiot with terrible anger issues...but no, never less than me...”

*

“But you’re just a murderer with no purpose just to flaunt his strength. I’m a hundred times better. You fight just so people fear you. That’s way more worthless."

*

Atsushi pursed his lips. He still believed in some of what he declared towards him on the Moby Dick, but his gaze drunk in the sight of Akutagawa right now.

Disheveled black hair, his wrinkled jacket hanging loosely off his thin-frame, dark circles underneath his eyes (most-likely mirroring himself) and a sheen of sweat on his forehead that was creased with...worry maybe now?

About what though?

That’s unknown to Atsushi, and a foreign emotion to see on Akutagawa.

Either way, Akutagawa had a family. A sister who he had by his side for the majority of his life and he truly cared about her in his own-strange-distance-way from what Atsushi witnessed. He had no idea what Akutagawa had been through, and something about that was nagging at him.

From the day alone, Atsushi saw pieces of a boy who lost his parents. 

A person who used extreme and unjustifiable coping mechanisms, which caused his own blood to boil from how it clashed with his own values.

Although it was understandable in a sense there’s a side of Akutagawa he has yet to discover. 

One that wasn’t just a merciless killer.

And he fought for something much more complex than “fear”.

“We need to sleep.” Atsushi pinched the bridge of his nose. “Being tired won’t help with your attitude.”

Akutagawa scoffed and reached for the door handle. “Whatever, Jinko.”

“Wait!” Atsushi placed his hand on Akutagawa’s arm and his breath hitched as he pulled away from him. “I—uhm I’m sorry. I wanted to add something.” Rejection stung a bit in his chest at the reaction but he shook his head, swallowing. 

Akutagawa wasn’t comfortable with being in close contact so he can respect that.

They weren’t even friends.

“Let’s make a deal,” Atsushi declared and Akutagawa tilted his head, interest glinting his eyes.

“A deal?” Akutagawa repeated and Atsushi nodded.

A waver of nostalgia overtook Atsushi briefly by how similar this conversation was to the one when they vowed to kill each other.

“No fighting while we’re here. And then after the three months are done...you can kill me.”

“That was the objective from the start.”

“It was never stated out loud!” 

“Of course, I don’t make promises I don’t intend to keep.” Akutagawa rolled his eyes. “But we can try, for the sake of this act.”

Atsushi raised an eyebrow. “Right…”

~

The silver-haired man sighed, looking down at Ume and patting her head one more time. 

Atsushi was surprised they didn’t wake anyone up after their bickering that night—or maybe they did, and no one bothered to stop them.

He yawned while he stood up and headed towards the bedroom door with Ume following him at his feet until she decided to investigate another part of the house when he reached downstairs. 

Atsushi tracked the sweet aroma down to the kitchen where he discovered Akutagawa seated at the table, pen-in-hand and his gaze was casted downwards. A steaming cup of tea and a plate of partially eaten soufflé-like pancakes were in front of him. He was also wearing a black-pullover sweater with dark plaid pants and Atsushi believed it made him look less menacing, plus a lot closer to his actual age.

It’s a huge difference from his usual vampiric-like work attire and long coat. Especially with that blunt personality of his.

Akutagawa’s head rested on the back of his hand while he jotted down words in a black notebook, which Atsushi learned he carried around everywhere since their arrival.

He has yet to ask what’s in it though.

“Chōkōdō Shujin (澄江堂主人)” was precisely written in bold on the first page. Something Atsushi found out a few days ago when Akutagawa was in the bathroom and the book was left on the desk within their room. His curiosity got the best of him and he barely managed to flip through the book when the door knob rattled and he flung himself back to his side of the room before Akutagawa caught him prying into his personal items.

That would definitely earn him a stabbing.

“Good morning, Ryuu.”

The black-haired man looked up briefly, acknowledging his presence and continued writing. 

“Morning, dear.”

“Atsushi-kun!” Tomo peeked her head in the kitchen and Atsushi nearly jumped. “Would you like some coffee?”

What was with the Akutagawas always arriving out of nowhere?!

He wrung his hands and wondered where Dōshō and Gin were, glancing at the cabinets.

“H-hi! Uhm—sure. Thank you, Tomo-san.”

Akutagawa’s aunt stepped into the kitchen. “Do you take it black?”

“With sugar, actually. If you have it.”

She nodded her head towards the cabinet next to the sink and Atsushi headed over there. He cautiously opened it and squinted, feeling around until he found a little glass container filled with white sugar cubes. 

He had nothing but tea the past week so he felt relieved to have a stronger drink this morning by how sore his eyes were. 

Raindrops outside pitter-pattered against the window sill as the coffee machine gurgled to life in the corner of the room. It added a new pleasant scent to the air as the hot liquid dripped into the glass.

Tomo fiddled with one of the stove’s buttons and the sound of sizzling reached Atsushi’s ears when she poured batter into a mold placed in the frying pan. 

The coffee maker beeped and Atsushi grabbed a mug on the wall shelf they had near the entryway. He found the display cute, which showcased some potted house-plants on top. Hydrangeas and sunflowers…a pretty combination.

Atsushi placed the mug on the counter and reached for the coffee pot.

He began pouring the drink into the cup and scrunched up his eyes. His vision appeared to double when he looked down. 

Huh, that’s strange.

Atsushi believed it was a trick of light and he shook his head but nope. Still fuzzy.

He yelped when a splash of scalding coffee spilled on his hand. “O-ouch!” 

Somehow he quickly managed to place the coffee pot back on the heater without dropping it because god-forbid if it shattered. He winced at the stinging in his hand and turned on the sink to run it under cold water.

A breath of relief left Atsushi’s lips from the cool sensation but then a pale, and colder hand reached out, gently clasping around his wrist. The touch caused his heart to jump and Atsushi swerved his head to the right.

“Wha—“

“Are you alright?” Akutagawa asked softly as he looked at Atsushi’s hand, now dripping with water and down his arm.

Atsushi bit his lip, looking away. It hurt but it was bearable.

“No. I mean yes! Y-yes, I am,” he squeaked out, face burning and Akutagawa turned his hand to the side. His eyes widened as the burn began to heal.

Ah right, his tiger healing ability.

Akutagawa watched in awe, lips parted as the wound repaired itself, restoring the blistering skin to its soft normal color. 

“Is Atsushi-kun okay, Ryuunosuke?”

The pair turned towards Tomo as she walked over to look at the damage. 

“He’s fine, Oba-san.”

“That’s good...oh?” Tomo furrowed her eyebrows as she analyzed his hand, which showed no signs of injury now and Atsushi gulped. “That's strange...Was it your other hand?” 

Oh no.

“Ah—no, this one. It was just a small amount. I’m really okay!” he assured and his neck tensed up underneath her stare. 

Akutagawa let go of his wrist and Atsushi’s hand fell down to his side. He swore it burned more from where Akutagawa’s hand clasped around his wrist than the actual coffee itself a few moments ago.

Akutagawa placed his hand over his mouth to cough and gave Atsushi a puzzled expression. 

Before Atsushi could ask for the reason, Akutagawa held up his hand in front of his face and the silver-haired man blinked back in surprise. 

“How many fingers am I holding up?”

Atsushi squinted suspiciously. “Two. Why? ”

“Is it blurry?”

Atsushi sighed and looked at Akutagawa’s hand again. Not really, but his gaze shifted slightly to the left. He noticed he can’t seem to read the rice cooker’s printed label on the counter beside him. His temples throbbed a little as he strained to make out the words.

Akutagawa followed his line of sight. “Can you read that?”

“Kinda, I think.” It said...Auto...mat-ic? Right?

“You might need glasses.” Akutagawa flicked his forehead and Atsushi gaped at the man. He instinctively touched where he hit him. Idiot.

“It’s possible,” Tomo agreed and went back to the stove to plate the food, plus poured Atsushi another mug of coffee.

“Wouldn’t I know if I needed glasses before?” Atsushi asked and blinked again, disoriented from the events that just happened.

It sorta makes sense now based on how tired his eyes were recently but he always assumed it was from his bad sleeping habits.

“It’s tricky to say,” Tomo laughed and handed the plate of food and coffee to Atsushi as she led him to the kitchen table. “Maybe just for reading you need them, sweetie.”

Atsushi sat down and Akutagawa returned to his spot across from him, picking up his tea and pushed his notebook aside, face blank like nothing happened.

“We can take you to an eye clinic in town?” Tomo suggested and Atsushi waved his arms frantically.

“Ah no thank you! That's totally not necessary!” They’re way too generous for someone like him. “I’ll just talk to my doctor back in Yokohama.”

“Very well, if you insist.” Akutagawa took a sip of his drink and closed his eyes as the smooth taste hit his tongue. “You can’t reason with him if he says no.”

“That’s no problem. The idea is always open if needed,” Tomo replied and ruffled his hair.

Atsushi smiled and nodded, hoping the topic was officially dropped. Having too much attention on him made his skin crawl regardless of the intentions. It was something he wished he was more comfortable but he just dealt with it for as long as he knew. 

One day maybe…

He reached for the sugar container he placed on the table.

Akutagawa opened his eyes and held the tea cup in front of his mouth as he observed Atsushi place sugar cubes in his coffee. “Three? ” he murmured to himself but Atsushi’s enhanced hearing caught it.

“Huh?” Atsushi gave him a look and he glanced down at his mug. “Oh. Yeah! That’s usually how I like it.” He scratched the side of his face as Akutagawa stared at him strangely again. “A habit I acquired from my uhm—past in a way.”

“...I see.”

"Is there uh—I mean, a problem with that?"

“No, not at all,” Akutagawa assured, his voice laced with a light teasing tone and Atsushi couldn't wrap his head around it because he doesn’t use it at all when they’re alone. Akutagawa placed his tea back down on the table. He slowly traced his finger along the rim of the cup. “It made me curious. I figured too, since you were a sweet person.”

Atsushi’s mouth fell open. “What—what do you mean by that?!” 

Dōshō entered the kitchen then and Akutagawa turned away from Atsushi, choosing to sip his tea again than answer. This guy—

“It’s tsuyu season,” Dōshō exclaimed and tossed gardening gloves on the counter. “We’ll see how the weather holds up.” (A/N: tsuyu = rainy season 梅雨 in Japan, typically early summer months.)

“Honey, we talked about not putting those in the kitchen.”

“Ah-” He winced and gave Tomo a cheeky smile. “Sorry, love. Good morning.”

Tomo rolled her eyes and walked over to greet her husband. “Next time, remember,” she warned and reached up to pinch his face. Dōshō nodded and he dipped down to kiss her cheek. She giggled.

Akutagawa grimaced into his cup as he pretended not to have witnessed such a domestic act. He internally was repulsed at the affectionate sight of his aunt and uncle, hastily taking another sip of drink and slammed the cup down on the table.

He envied Atsushi during this moment, who appeared to be lost in thought, eyes clouded in a daze and his back faced away from his family.

As a distraction, Akutagawa’s eyes trailed. He noted the sharp edginess of Atsushi’s jawline—just like his tiger claws in battle—high cheekbones, and his lashes were quite long too. He never noticed that…

There was even some blush of color still evident on his face because of his earlier comment, assumingly.

When Atsushi blinked out of his haze, he flinched when he saw Akutagawa staring at him. Atsushi’s light complexion deepened to yet another vibrant shade of scarlet and Akutagawa’s neck flushed with warmth. He pretended to stare down his cold plate of food and not just at the weretiger. 

“Ryuunosuke. Atsushi-kun.” Tomo’s voice cut in amidst Atsushi pulling at his nightshirt’s collar, “We have to head into town for some supplies.” Akutagawa stood up abruptly and Atsushi jolted as the stool chair scraped on the tile floors. “And Gin’s tagging along with us. She mentioned she needed some more rosin for her violin from the music shop nearby.”

“We’ll try to be back around dinner time,” Dōshō said and handed Tomo her jacket from the rack by the entrance. 

Akutagawa escorted his family to the door. “Duly noted. Take your time.” 

Atsushi lingered behind him. He didn’t want to stay in the kitchen by himself. 

“Gin! We’ll be outside!” Tomo shouted up the stairs and looked at the pair before she exited out the front door with her husband. “We will be back soon, boys.”

“I’ll be right there!” Gin called from her room.

Gin rushed down the stairs with an umbrella in hand and shuffled to put her shoes on. She grinned when she spotted Akutagawa and Atsushi. “Have fun.” 

“We’ll try,” Akutagawa sighed and crossed his arms. “Stay safe,” he added quietly and Gin nodded.

“Don’t be too wild.”

“Doing what? Shut up! Just go,” Akutagawa scoffed and urged her towards the door with his hand as she snickered. Gin quickly looked around her brother to wave at Atsushi. 

“Bye Atsushi-san!”

Atsushi weakly waved back and gave her a small smile.

The door closed shut and a pin needle could almost be heard dropping to the floor before tension crackled between the pair. Atsushi sighed, bracing himself.

So, there’s one aspect with this whole pretending thing. 

Akutagawa did keep his word and was a civil human-being towards him whenever they’re in the presence of his family. His stoic persona and harsh sense of humor were still prevalent as hell, but it’s decent. 

Unfortunately, that screen ripped to shreds once they’re alone and he reverts back to the distant, repulsive mafioso Atsushi known since the beginning (and begrudgingly associated with too).

Atsushi knew it’s the compromise stemmed from their deal but there’s those brief moments he thought he saw cracks beneath that hard exterior of his and maybe, just maybe, Akutagawa was actually a kind person.

Like that night underneath the apricot tree where he looked so lost and he didn’t want to pry about it.

That idea was completely discarded like his patience when Akutagawa shoved past him.

“Finally,” Akutagawa gritted out and stalked back to the kitchen.

Atsushi was really close to smacking him and bared his teeth as the man walked by. He’s blaming sleep deprivation for that kind-mirage of Akutagawa from before.

Akutagawa’s actions were a pain and it seriously blindsided Atsushi on how fickle the man can be. He rubbed at his neck as he headed back to the kitchen too.

Maybe Akutagawa was the reason why he’s going blind at such a young age.

Dishes clattered in the sink as Akutagawa cleaned up plates and cups left on the counter and straightened up the room. He disappeared down the hallway once Atsushi reached the kitchen table again to finish his breakfast.

In the meantime, once Atsushi downed the rest of his coffee, he wandered around the house and looked at the family photos. His mouth quirked up a little as he spotted one photo in particular of a way younger Akutagawa and Gin. He looked about nine—or ten-years-old at the time.

Two strangers stood behind them, which Atsushi assumed were their parents. Dōshō was right about them being an almost spitting-image of them, with the raven-hair and intense features the entire family possessed. Everyone was smiling except Akutagawa, of course. And actually, his expression was a bit comical. It appeared Gin pulled him into a hug just before the shot was taken and his usual scowl was plastered on his face but he looked happy. There was just a brightness in his grey eyes here that Atsushi had yet to see in the present Akutagawa.

If it was possible.

Afterwards, Atsushi sought to figure out the old radio in the living room to provide some entertainment for himself.  

He found Akutagawa sitting on the leather chair within the room, a novel in his hand now, replacing his notebook and pen left on the kitchen table. Before Atsushi decided to test out the radio, he grabbed a book from the nearby shelf and aimlessly flipped through it. He shut it with a loud huff a moment later, and placed it back on the shelf. The words were too muddled together.

Atsushi glared at the other man. Simply due to the fact Akutagawa had better eyesight than him. He trudged over to the radio and white static crackled within the room as he twisted the device's dial.

His bad eyesight was another nuisance for him to be jealous of Akutagawa for, who can read something as simple as a book at ease right now. With no problems at all. He’s infuriating.

Okay, so maybe Atsushi’s being a bit childish with that line of thinking. 

But still.

It’s Akutagawa.

And Atsushi became irritated in his presence alone. Truce or not.

He fixed the dial to a random number on the line until he found a working station and music awakened from the speakers. 

...with you~

It was a familiar song but he couldn’t remember the name of it. A pleasant atmosphere emanated in the room paired with the scenery of falling rain outside, even though Atsushi’s only company was a fiend with his nose in a book. 

...Like a river flows

Surely to the sea~

The windows were also huge in this room, providing a brilliant view of the backyard and he flopped down on the couch in front of it. He closed his eyes as the lyrics swayed him to a place afar, another reality his mind conjured up within the placid moment. Atsushi wondered if such a thing was possible.

If another universe with everyone he knew now existed.

...Darling, so it goes

Some things are meant to be

Take my hand...

“Akutagawa,” Atsushi blurted out and Akutagawa made a disgruntled noise at the interruption.

“Yes, Jinko?” he rasped out slowly, trying not to snap as irritation simmered beneath his skin.

“If you weren’t found by the Port Mafia, what do you think would’ve happened?”

He received no answer and Atsushi twisted his position so he rested his arms on the side of the couch and placed his chin on top. His eyes flicked over at Akutagawa, whose face contorted from a half-frown to clear befuddlement. The book long forgotten in his hand.

About 5 minutes passed, (actually about less than a minute but to Atsushi it felt indefinite ) and Akutagawa still wasn’t answering. Concern eroded Atsushi’s thoughts and he sat up straight, wringing his now sweaty palms on his lap. He backpedaled immediately and worried if he touched on a sensitive topic.

“It’s uhm-okay if you don’t w—”

Akutagawa waved a hand, silencing him and he coughed into his fist. Something jabbed in his chest at the way Atsushi’s expression wavered.

“It’s fine...I’m not quite sure,” Akutagawa admitted and averted his gaze to the falling rain, which was coming down harder now. Some thunder rumbled in the distance.

He didn’t like thinking about “what ifs” as a way of coping with what he already did have. He didn’t want to yearn for something nonexistent, unreachable even. That was pointless.

“…I just—I never thought about it before either.”

Or more accurately, he didn't want to.

If Gin and himself continued to fend for themselves in the slums after what happened that one specific night...and if Dazai never asked him to be his underling...they probably wouldn’t have lasted much longer either.

“Then, hypothetically...” Atsushi swallowed. He didn’t know if this was a worse question to ask. “What would you want to be doing now? '' he rephrased quickly. 

If Akutagawa didn’t want to talk, it's alright.

Unless he stabbed him instead.

Akutagawa wrinkled his nose. “Jinko, why—”

The shrill of Akutagawa’s phone blared throughout the room and Akutagawa huffed as rummaged into his pant’s pocket. He placed the device against his ear.

“It’s Akutagawa,” he answered with a disgruntled tone and his eyes widened momentarily, “Oh—Oji-san, what happened? Is Gin alright?” He nodded as he listened to his uncle and Atsushi scooted a bit closer to him, leaning over the couch. “I understand...that’s no worry. It’s a necessity due to the weather.” Akutagawa picked at the spine of his book.  “Safe travels when possible. No rush at all—We'll be okay here...Uh-huh—Yes. Bye Oji-san.”

Akutagawa clicked off his phone and pinched the bridge of his nose. He placed both his phone and book on the table.

“Everything...okay?” Atsushi asked and Akutagawa glanced at him.

“Yes and no. Well, they are, luckily. The storm just caused some flooding where they’re located so they’ll be taking shelter in a town’s cafe until the roads clear up.”

“That makes sense. I’m glad they’re okay.” 

Akutagawa hummed in agreement and Atsushi was about to continue the conversation from earlier when spotted something behind Akutagawa. It hung above the fireplace and framed, outlined in bold letters.

Reading: Akutagawa Ryuunosuke. English Literature Major. Class of XXXX. University of Tokyo.

“Isn’t that like...illegal?”

Akutagawa shifted around to see what caught the weretiger’s attention and shrugged. “Probably.” He looked back to see Atsushi’s bewildered expression directed at the diploma. “That reminds me, if they ask. You are twenty years old as well.”

Atsushi snapped his head towards him. “WHAT?!”

Dear god, how many lies are they living under? 

And it’s already been a full week.

Akutagawa winced at Atsushi’s high pitched response. “Be quiet, will you? This entire situation is giving me a migraine.”

“Listen to me then!”

Can he actually go to jail as an unofficial accomplice of fraud?!

“Already am, you imbecile. You are nothing but a—”

“Wait.” Atsushi remembered something.

“Jinko, I was talkin—”

Atsushi cut him off again with a ‘shhh’ and Akutagawa clenched his teeth. 

He itched to strangle him and the fool was lucky the table between the couch and chair separated them. Atsushi stood up and walked half-way towards the hallway before he turned around towards Akutagawa with wide eyes.

“Where’s Ume-chan?” Atsushi asked.

Akutagawa blinked, surprised at the question. “Is that truly our concern?”

“Can pretend to care about something for once?” Atsushi shot him a glare and crossed his arms. “Ume-chan!” he called out and waited.

Complete silence.

Atsushi exited the room and Akutagawa heard doors opening and closing throughout the house. When Atsushi returned to the living room a few minutes later he began pacing around. His silver-hair was frizzy.

“I just searched every room and she’s not anywhere,” Atsushi babbled and ran his fingers through his hair, which caught Akutagawa’s gaze. “I can’t believe we lost a dog.”

Akutagawa swallowed and forced his sight back on Atsushi’s face, which looked quite shaken.

“Jinko, calm down. We—”

“In a house that’s not ours.”

“Did you—”

“What are we going to do?!”

“Jinko.”

“During a storm! And there’s no way a dog can open a door right?” Atsushi choked out and Akutagawa sighed. “Wait, I didn’t look in the...”

Atsushi spun around again and sprinted towards the stairs. His socked feet slid easily on the hard-wooden floors and almost slipped when a black tendril entered his vision and latched around his waist. He was pulled upright and leaned his hand on the wall to steady himself.

“Be careful, you dumbass,” Akutagawa spat, standing in the hallway now and Rashōmon withdrew immediately back to his sweater. He refused to look at Atsushi when he looked back at him. 

“Uh—thank you.”

Atsushi puffed his cheeks and shook his head. He headed upstairs with a reluctant Akutagawa trudging after him. Thunder rumbled above the house this time and Atsushi could feel the vibrations shake the walls as he hurried down the hallway.

The door to their bedroom opened and Atsushi glanced around the room. He did just look in here—but he raised an eyebrow at the door leading to the bathroom, registering it was ajar.

Atsushi crept over to it and placed his hand on the knob as he looked inside.

“Oh my god,” he breathed, and his shoulders sagged in relief against the door. “She’s in here.” 

Ume situated herself in the small space between the bathtub and sink. Her head perked up at the sound of Atsushi’s voice but she didn’t move. A puddle of drool was near her mouth where her head laid on the cool tiles and she was panting loud.

Atsushi kneeled down and crawled over to her. He stroked the top of her head. “She’s shaking really badly.” He turned around to look up at Akutagawa who stood in the doorway, arms crossed with a frown. “Can you go and grab a blanket or something?” Atsushi asked and Akutagawa’s mouth twisted into a grimace.

“For what?” he half-shouted and panic swelled up in Atsushi’s chest as he pulled Ume closer to him.

“Be quiet, you idiot! To help calm her down!” Ume tensed up underneath Atsushi’s hold and he turned back towards her. “She must hate storms.”

Akutagawa chewed the inside of his mouth while Atsushi comforted Ume and closed his eyes, counting to three and breathed in. He dropped his head down and turned on his heels.

“Fine.”

Akutagawa returned a moment later with a light blue quilt and he held it out to Atsushi. He took it, mouthing a small ‘thanks’. The troubled look on Atsushi’s face when they locked eye-contact made him tense with uneasiness and his fists tightened. He knew it wasn’t directed at him but seeing this side of Atsushi always made him feel something off and preferred to push it aside than face it.

The weretiger was too soft for his own good at times.

Atsushi draped the blanket over Ume and spared a glance at Akutagawa again, who’s forehead was creased with an odd expression again as he looked down at him.

“I...I uh—I’m going to move her to the couch, okay? She’ll be more comfortable there.”

Akutagawa held eye-contact and nodded as he stepped out of the way. “Do you need…help?”

Atsushi shook his head as he placed one arm underneath Ume, who cocooned herself in the quilt and bundled it around her to keep her secure as he lifted her effortlessly in his arms. “I got it.”

Akutagawa hovered close by as they went back downstairs—just in case of course. And once they reached the living room again, Ume nestled herself immediately against Atsushi when he put her in the center of couch and he sat down beside her. 

Akutagawa gingerly sat down on the opposite side of Atsushi. Still keeping a fair distance away on the couch but Ume was in the middle of them. He knew from experience that sometimes you just need company nearby to help during these times.

Gin was similar, remembering when it was only the two of them.

He used to utilize Rashōmon as their source of only warmth and shelter when the worst of the storms hit in the slums. Gin surely could handle herself better now, but there were rare moments she liked having him with her. She didn’t call him today so he could only assume that their aunt and uncle were making sure she’s safe. He hopes she’s okay.

Ume appeared more at ease in Atsushi's presence as the detective kept petting her white fur and Akutagawa's mouth twitched without his own doing.

“She must smell the feline in you,” he deadpanned and Atsushi scowled.

“Oh, shut up!”

“No, no, it’s true...Kitten.”

“A-Akutagawa!” Atsushi spluttered and almost fell off the couch with Ume who continued to snuggle closer against him. His entire body flushed uncomfortably. “What’s with that name now?”

It occurred this was Akutagawa actually trying to joke with him and he did not know how to respond at all.

Akutagawa’s face reddened at the reaction and he muttered something incoherent. He pointed a finger. “You were the one who wanted these...the pet names! Don’t pin this on me now.” 

Atsushi’s face fell into his hands, and he shrunk into the cushion. “I hate you so much.” 

“Great,” Akutagawa said, exasperated and crossed his arms and legs on his side of the couch. “It’s mutual.”

A beat of silence passed until another clap of thunder shook the house. Ume whimpers filled the room, which looked way darker than earlier and the rain poured down hard against the windows.

Atsushi lifted his face out of his hands and looked at Ume. “Shhh—it’s okay girl. We’re here with you,” he reassured while he ran his fingers through her fur in back and forth motions. Soothed by the touch, Ume curled in as close as possible and burrowed her head more underneath the quilt, tucking into Atsushi's side. “Okay, enough bickering. She needs to stay calm.”

Akutagawa grunted and turned away. The trio sat in a quietude for about an hour, listening to the winds blow the rain against the house in systematic batches with occasional thunder. Atsushi began nodding off when Akutagawa's voice intersected into his weary-consciousness.

“Jinko.”

Atsushi turned his head, rested on the back of the couch and fixated his eyes on the black-haired man. “...What’s up?”

“About what you said earlier.” Akutagawa coughed and looked at Atsushi for a moment before settling his gaze on his book on the table. “Maybe I would be studying somewhere abroad. There’s more to the world than just Japan.”

Atsushi’s eyebrows raised. “Like actual school, huh? Impressive.”

“Were you expecting something different?”

“I don’t know,” Atsushi snorted. “Owning a black market tea shop?” It’s sorta hard to imagine Akutagawa doing anything mundane, but with the amount of tea the guy consumed—Atsushi could imagine that.

Akutagwa huffed softly and his eyes glinted with what appeared to be some amusement, “A possibility, Jinko. What about you, then?”

“Ah—I guess travel maybe too? But I don’t know where...this is actually my first time outside of Yokohama.”

“Really, now? So overjoyed to have that honor.”

Atsushi rolled his eyes. “Please, I was forced here.”

“Phrase it however you prefer. You said yes.”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever I guess.”

Akutagawa stiffened when something landed on his shoulder and silver hair tickled his cheek when he tilted his head. “What the hell? Get off of me.” He attempted to shake Atsushi off but a soft sigh fell from Atsushi’s lips. Akutagawa quivered from the hot feeling on his neck and completely stilled in place. 

“You’re surprisingly warm, Akutagawa.”

“Because you’re using me as a pillow! I did not consent to this.”

Atsushi chuckled and Akutagawa’s pulse spiked. He shifted so he was more comfortable on Akutagawa. “Sorry, I don’t want to get up right now to get one because of Ume-chan.” 

Akutagawa peered down to where she was still nestled in between them, watching the slow rise and fall of her chest as she slept now. Her anxious-state was definitely no longer present.

He relented in not flinging Atsushi across the room and wrinkled his nose. There had to be something wrong with his heart right now to be having palpitations and squeezed his eyes shut. His eyes remained closed as time ticked by and heard Atsushi’s breathing evened out to a much slower rhythm against him. He must’ve fallen asleep on him.

“You gotta be kidding me,” Akutagawa groused. He glared up at the ceiling and then back down at the weretiger. However, he didn’t push him off. Instead, a hesitant hand raised and placed it on top of Atsushi’s head, pulling him closer. His hair was soft. “...You’re such a handful, Atsushi.”

~

Late in the evening when the rain abated down to a faint drizzle and public street lights flickered on, the rest of the Akutagawa family eventually made it home. At first glance, the house appeared motionless. With no sudden sounds and no one thought anything of it.

The "couple" must be asleep considering the hour. Everything looked the same as it did when they left early that morning. Tomo and Dōshō playfully bickered at each other as they entered the kitchen to unpack their purchases while Gin ventured off to the music room. Her step had a light bounce to it while humming a song to herself. She passed the living room and then blinked, faltering to a stop. When she turned back around and glimpsed into the room, she raised a hand to her mouth to stifle a laugh.

Ume-chan was wide-awake and sandwiched in between the pair on the couch. Her tail was evidently wagging underneath the thick blanket she was bundled in. Atsushi and Akutagawa on the other hand were out cold.

Akutagawa’s face contorted a bit as his closed eyes fluttered—like he was dreaming of something. Ume barked and Atsushi began to stir in his sleep. Gin’s eyes widened as Atsushi pressed closer to Akutagawa, whose arm she discovered was wrapped over the other as she crept closer to the couch. 

Well, that’s new.  

Akutagawa let out a shaky exhale then and Gin watched his expression relax. She placed a finger to her lips as she went over to greet Ume with a pat on the head. 

“I see you’re safe and sound,” Gin teased and Ume nuzzled against her hand. Her gaze fell on Akutagawa and she smiled. “And that these two are doing okay.”

~

Art Credit: Beautiful art by Jenny! @venomjens on instagram! Tysm for this wonderful birthday gift <3

Chapter Text

Content Warnings: mentions/descriptions of Atsushi's past in the orphanage & internalized homophobia.

~

"I am free and that is why I am lost" ~ Franz Kafka

As Long As It Takes You:

Atsushi found himself in front of the family photos again. His mouth drawn in a flatline, and hands tightened into fists at his side while he stared at his own reflection in the framed glass.

He felt quite selfish...if he’s being honest with himself.

Selfish to want to have something—anything—to cherish and look back on in his life that did not remind him of the orphanage. To not be filled with regret and loathe himself for not getting a normal life. To not blame the man who kept him locked up in the cage because it only burdened him with resentment.

The voice in the back of his head whispered to him. 

You are free, and that is why you are lost. 

A chill creeped up behind him and he grimaced. Atsushi never considered himself an actual lost person, (besides maybe not knowing his true purpose as one) but the more he thought about it too…

The headmaster was dead. 

And Atsushi was alive. 

He’s much healthier than before. Able to breathe actual fresh air that wasn’t within the barb-wire yards of the orphanage. Atsushi didn’t have the pressing troubles on how to live just one day longer anymore. He was fortunate to have a job, an apartment, and fresh clothes to wear every day now. He was free of the physical shackles placed on him ever since he was dropped off at the orphanage all those years ago.

Maybe not so much of the ones drilled inside his head although it’s tolerable, mostly. 

Atsushi’s so unsure what to do with himself because of this. A messy attachment to the life of running—towards the easiest way to survive.

It’s no wonder a piece of himself still longed for something to direct all this pent-up fury towards.

Since, what can he really do now?  

Always a problematic line between dreaming and wanting things to be different. 

At least in Atsushi’s perspective. 

Thinking this way was fruitless though. He knew he couldn't change anything, and was steadily learning to accept what he had now. He’s one of the lucky ones.

Akutagawa was also nowhere to be found today. If Atsushi had to guess, he holed himself up in their shared room with that stupid notebook of his. Curiosity gnawed inside of him about what’s possibly in it but he shook his head.

It’s pointless to dwell on him too.

He’s been more distant with Atsushi ever since they found Ume scared from the storm the other day, which also thankfully passed over yesterday. So at least they’re not stuck inside anymore.

Atsushi actually took a liking to a secluded area between all the fruit trees in the backyard. He discovered a hammock was tied down there after some exploration of the gardens and the sun rays directly hit the spot during mid-day. He probably could stay there for hours with just himself and his thoughts.

A place where he didn’t have to bear the weight of any fake roles or responsibilities of this whole marriage thing.

Not that Atsushi minded the space away from the other. He needed it desperately to grasp on to some vitality with himself. He enjoyed being alone. It’s just a never-ending tug of war in his mind on what he wanted.

A hefty breath slipped from him when his mood clouded again although it quickly turned into a strangled squeak of surprise when a hand clamped down on his shoulder.

“That photo was the day I married Tomo.”

Atsushi blinked over at his new company and then back at the photograph, actually focusing on the printed image this time. 

He didn’t realize he was staring at this one in particular. 

They weren’t looking at the camera but at each other, laughing. Happy. Tomo and Dōshō were merely silhouettes in the frame from the fiery hues behind them and their hair windswept in the shot. He noticed they weren’t wearing traditional wedding attire, not that it really mattered. They looked great together regardless.

Atsushi smiled at the photograph. He jolted when he remembered he didn’t respond yet.

“Ah really?” Atsushi rushed out, side-glancing at Dōshō. “I—it’s...I mean that’s sweet!” 

How did people talk so effortlessly again?

Dōshō nodded, humming and Atsushi watched his eyes soften.

An aching emotion stabbed inside him again. They really do care about each other.

He wondered if he would care for someone like that one day. Like maybe—

“Let’s go outside,” Dōshō said, interrupting his thoughts. “I need some help with something.”

Atsushi could only nod aimlessly, unable to think of an excuse on the spot to say ‘no’ and followed him down the hallway. Dōshō explained to Atsushi again that the old shed which needed fixing was too weakened to be salvaged so a greenhouse would be more efficient to rebuild in its place. He also added Atsushi looked like needed a job to do so he could use an assistant on the project.

Atsushi wasn’t sure if he was supposed to be offended by the last part but he was getting antsy from the lack of work he’s accustomed to with the agency. So he agreed doing some brunt work could give him some relief. 

They went through the front door and around the right side of the house where the garage was located. It was too small for a car to fit so it was mainly used for storage.

Dōshō threw gardening gloves on a metal desk where Atsushi believed he spotted some guidebooks about flowers on top of it too.

Atsushi's eyes darted around the space when he walked in. Plenty of empty clay pots were dispersed everywhere on the concrete ground and wooden shelves. Also including plastic bags of soil or fertilizer, bird seed, and a dusty-looking lawnmower. Above the desk was a mounted peg board with all different kinds of screwdrivers attached to it, plus other sharp objects Atsushi didn’t have an actual name for.

Dōshō pulled out a tool box underneath the desk and when he went to grab the hammer hanging on the wall, Atsushi took a huge step backwards. His foot accidentally kicked into the watering can and the clang of metal reverberated loud in the confined room. Atsushi cursed underneath his breath when Dōshō caught the movement. 

He raised an eyebrow. “Are you okay, Atsushi-kun?” His voice raised with concern and Atsushi averted his gaze to the door. He shifted his weight on his other foot, which was throbbing slightly as scratched the back of his neck. 

“Uhm...yeah. I—I’m...uh I’m fine! It’s ah...no big deal.” 

Atsushi winced from not being able to hide the shakiness in his voice. The walls felt like they were closing in on him and gulped down a huge breath of air. His jaw clenched as he tried to will himself to completely relax.

He wasn’t there anymore.

He’s okay.

He’s okay.

Akutagawa’s uncle studied Atsushi for a moment with a look he’s all too familiar with.

He didn’t believe him.

But just as quickly, Dōshō turned away and resumed grabbing tools needed, placing them in the box at a lax pace. An odd tension seeped within the room and Atsushi guessed Akutagawa’s uncle wouldn’t comment about what happened at all until Dōshō spoke up quietly a few minutes later.

“Atsushi-kun.” Dōshō stood up with the tool box and he stiffened. “You don’t have to tell me if you’re not comfortable. I…understand that. It’s also okay if you never told anyone. It doesn’t make it any less valid for whatever you went through.” 

Wetness began to prick at Atsushi’s eyes. He blinked fast as he looked down at his wringing hands and scrambled inside his head to figure out what to respond back but nothing came to him. He swallowed thickly and wiped at his eyes while Dōshō continued to shuffle around the garage, organizing what they needed. 

It wasn’t until they were ready to leave, Atsushi managed to mutter a small, “T-thank you, Dōshō-san.”

Dōshō stared at him for a moment before he walked over and carefully handed him a stack of wooden planks. He put a hand on his shoulder, gripping it assuredly. Atsushi glanced up at him. “Of course. I hope Ryuunosuke knows at least.”

Atsushi internally scoffed at that but smiled at Akutagawa’s uncle. Like he would confide in someone like the mafioso but he couldn’t say that now and bit down on his tongue. He adjusted the hold on the wood he carried, clattering a bit when he tightened them against his chest.

After they exited the garage, Atsushi turned his head to Dōshō and decided to ask something which had been swirling around in his mind for some time. 

“Dōshō-san. How did you and Tomo-san meet?”

Atsushi observed as the other faltered in his steps at the question but they continued on. Dōshō led him to the far right side of the backyard where he had already cleared away and leveled most of the foundation where the old shed used to stand.

“I fell down a ladder, actually,” Dōshō began as he put the tool box near the disheveled soil and chuckled at Atsushi’s puzzled expression. “I used to be a florist during my young adult years and worked at this little flower shop on a corner street in San Francisco. It was such a slow afternoon when Tomo walked in wearing this yellow sundress with a cute straw hat, and her hair was quite long then too. About the same length as Gin’s now I believe…Well, I didn’t speak to her immediately when I first saw her. Just, took notice of her I guess while she wandered around the shop, and admired all the flowers—wait, Atsushi-kun. You can place them over there—” Dōshō directed his attention to a red marker impaled in the grass and Atsushi went over to place the wood on the ground.

“—So, some minutes passed and I was busy restocking some shelves near the front counter when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around, and guess what—it was her. Tomo scared the hell out of me and the wheels of the ladder moved underneath my feet as she opened her mouth to ask something. Hit the ground really hard and it took a few minutes to actually understand what she was asking. Sunflowers! She wanted to ask if we had bouquets featuring sunflowers...” Dōshō shook his head and his eyes crinkled around the edges. “For me, I think her eyes drew me in instantly. A vibrant shade that reminds me of spring all the time.”

“Wow...it must’ve been love at first sight, then. That’s amazing,” Atsushi remarked as he helped lift one of the wooden planks and Dōshō straightened it in place to frame where the greenhouse would be built. He measured it with tape real quick and grabbed another piece of wood.

“Oh? No, not quite. She rejected me then. Wasn’t interested in relationships. And I never saw her again after that incident at the flower shop too. It wasn’t until I switched jobs and went into floral design and construction. Who would’ve guessed too she would be my first client?”

Atsushi continued to hold the wood in place and his eyes widened while Dōshō rummaged in the tool box for a marker. "Woah, really? That's really ironic with a second-meeting."

Dōshō laughed. “Sort of, but I definitely agree with you. The first thing I said to her at that time was: 'You must be in-love with me or something to manage and find both places I worked at’ and her reaction was incomparable to any satire out there!” He placed a hand on his chin as he looked down at the blueprints nearby. “Some advice though, never say that to someone you just met. Tomo nearly walked out and threw her bag at me but I apologized immediately and we both decided to act civil for the job. We became friends...and after some time,  she was the one to ask me out for that first date. The rest you can probably figure out. She is a headstrong, extraordinary and extremely intelligent woman. Amusing how accidental meetings can bloom into something even the smartest ones can never foresee.”

Atsushi fiddled with the ring on his finger and forced a smile when Dōsho grinned over him. “Yeah, I can see how.”

“Life sure surprises us, Atsushi-kun.” Dōshō placed another plank of wood down across from the one already in place to create a parallel line. “It’s a strange world.”

You’re telling me, he mentally replied and proceeded to assist arranging the wooden framework on the grass. A comfortable quietness overtook their conversation and Atsushi believed it was the first time he felt completely at ease to talk to someone outside the agency. He didn’t feel obligated to speak.

If he had something to say he would mention it and if he didn’t, Dōshō would continue telling him stories about himself at certain points as he listened eagerly. Like the story of when they adopted Ume a few years ago at a stray dogs shelter. Or when he and Tomo decided to build this house on a whim because they always had a soft spot for Japan’s countryside.

It was...a new experience for Atsushi and he enjoyed it a lot. 

He wondered if others would call this normal in a family.

Since understanding “quietness” and being quiet himself wasn’t always a bad thing. It was a huge realization on his part ever since he left the orphanage. 

For a long time, the “quiet” meant he did something wrong. The silent treatments from the headmaster. The other children who turned their backs on him and refused to speak up on his behalf. The cellar where he was locked in for days and no one came for him; any cries for help were muffled from the walls that trapped him inside with no food or water.

He’s still learning how to not drive himself into a state of apprehension when the littlest change of actions from another person can send him into a panic—wondering what he did to cause it.  

Atsushi languished on these actions far too often for his own good. He’s a work in progress. Give or take. He vowed to himself one day he’ll try to not feel like this anymore.

That’ll be his goal for now.

Dōshō and Atsushi worked on the greenhouse for the majority of the afternoon until the sun was no longer directly above them and began to dip into the horizon. Dōshō called for them to stop and save this for another day when Atsushi looked a bit famished and decided they deserved a break before dinner.

Atsushi agreed and he appreciated the day was going fairly well. Akutagawa and their "relationship" wasn’t brought up not even once until, well—

“Atsushi-kun,” Dōshō said as he locked the garage behind him and Atsushi was half-turned to head back inside the house. 

“Yes? Dōsho-san?” 

“What wedding date did you and Ryuunosuke set together?”

And Atsushi might’ve said the one thing he wasn’t supposed to do.

“Oh. I don’t know. We didn’t really plan anything yet.”

~

The next morning:

“I’m taking you both shopping.”

Akutagawa hid a grimace while he took a slow sip of his tea and looked over at his aunt, who was hanging up a new painting above the kitchen counter.

“...Today?” 

“Yep!” She nodded her head as she finished straightening the painting in place and wiped some dust off the counter. “Atsushi-kun mentioned to Dōshō that you two didn’t even go through a wedding check-list yet. You boys are hopeless.”

When the two week mark of this whole marriage act rolled around, Atsushi planned to announce he and Akutagawa were going to head to the park as their bi-weekly “date” because of the 2x2x2 plan. 

They decided together a fake date in town somewhere every two weeks would suffice enough to seem like they were an actual couple. The main objective was to completely ignore each other while they were away from others on the said-“date”.

That much needed alone time not at the Akutagawa's house was so close—but alas, Akutagawa Tomo had other plans.

“I see. Atsushi said that?” Akutagawa replied through gritted teeth. It was impressive how he didn’t even sound angry with his family presence. Intense grey eyes glared over his cup and directly towards Atsushi, who shrunk more in his chair.

And wow he just wanted to hide. 

Atsushi sorta wished he was in Ume’s place right now. Currently asleep at peace tucked underneath the table and her head rested against one of the legs. In Atsushi’s defense they were literally winging this entire act. What else was he supposed to say? Give them a date and actually get married?!

He shuddered at the thought.

Dōshō sighed into his mug of coffee, sat next to Akutagawa and appeared equally-as-guilty as Atsushi. “I tried to reason with her. Apologies, Ryuunosuke.” 

Akutagawa shrugged and spared a look at his uncle. “It’s nothing you need to apologize for, Oji-san. We appreciate anything you do for us.”

“What kind of uhm…shopping then, Tomo-san?” Atsushi asked as he squirmed in the chair. Somehow he could sense the temperature in the room dropping. It seriously amazed him how Akutagawa managed to hide all the dirty looks he received from him when they had family around them so often.

Tomo placed her hands on her hips and chuckled at them, “The wedding planning kind, of course.”

~

“There’s a handful of canals somewhere on the other side of this city. Perhaps you both can take a day trip down there another time,” Tomo rambled as the three of them ventured down a long strip of a popular shopping district in Yanagawa, Fukuoka.

They all shuffled in Tomo’s light blue hatchback because she deemed it would be easier to take them to their destination and left Akutagawa’s car behind. It wasn’t too bad of a drive, just under a half-an-hour from the house. 

Long stretches of rolling green fertile hills of tea leaves filled most of the sight-seeing part of it. 

Who knew tea plantations were this popular over here? 

Atsushi enjoyed seeing more of the farmland and countryside on the island. He’ll have to tell Kyouka about it when he gets back to Yokohama. He might’ve peeked at Akutagawa once or twice during the ride and even the stoic-man perked up at the sight. 

Akutagawa was only half-listening to what Atsushi and his aunt were discussing now while they strolled along the sidewalk. 

Something about the weather, he believed? His mouth curled into a sneer and accidentally shot a deadly glare at a random pedestrian when they bumped into his shoulder and he’s pretty sure Atsushi caught the action. 

Oh well, it’s the weretiger.

He was too preoccupied with all the people around them rushing about because they were way too close for comfort. The entire area was packed.

God, why did they have to go out today of all days?

Weekends were truly horrendous with crowds. The frenzy pulse of the area buzzed underneath their feet while the trio passed a kimono rental place and Atsushi stole a glance inside, where the line was almost out the doorway. 

The shopping district was partially inside with a glass dome above them and stabilized by towering red pillars, which also outlined the walkways. Each section of a new street were separated by torii (Japanese gateways) like the ones Atsushi seen in pictures of shrines. Yellow and white lantern fixtures with hand-written kanji hung along each doorway of a shop, while some even included multi-colored koinobori (carp-shaped windsocks) connected with white strings. 

Atsushi tilted his head when he spotted a neon blue sign in the distance across the street. The small building’s windows were decorated with vibrantly detailed sensu (folding fans) with gold and silver flowers, plus rainbow wagasa (oil-paper umbrellas) above the doorway.  It appeared to be some sort of traditional souvenir and gift shop.

Should he buy something for Kyouka?

Maybe he could even buy something for the other detective agency members as a future Christmas gift since he was here.

He took a step in the direction, about to turn around and tell the others he was heading over there when cold fingers snaked around his hand and intertwined with his own. Atsushi shivered despite the sun scorching down on them.

His forehead creased with tension. “Uh...Ryuu? Why are you holding my hand?”

“Playing the part,” Akutagawa rasped into his ear and ducked down a little so Tomo wouldn’t hear him. Atsushi flicked his eyes over to Tomo. Honestly, he doubted she would’ve heard him regardless—because she was too busy admiring a window showcasing silk ribbons at the moment.

Atsushi sighed and bit his lip as he looked down at their hands. It was part of the deal…

He rolled his shoulders to ease some stiffness in them but he tensed up again when boisterous laughter reached his ears. The silver-haired man whipped his head to the left where he spotted a group of teenagers near the water foundation.

He earned some solace when he discovered the hysterics weren’t directed at them, but at a video game console one of them was maneuvering in the center. 

Tomo wandered back over to them and Akutagawa watched Atsushi wipe a grimace off his face to a fully passive expression. 

“We’ll almost be at a specific place I'd like to take you boys too. Let’s head down over here,” she said, leaning her head towards one of the crossroad streets coming up. Atsushi gave her a shaky smile while Akutagawa only nodded, his eyes still on the other. The grip on his hand tightened.

“Alright, let’s go!”

~

Something was bothering the weretiger, Akutagawa concluded to himself as they were about 20 minutes in of the walk again through an older part of the shopping district. It had to be the fourth—or fifth time he let go of his hand, only to grab it again a few moments later with hesitation. It irked him a lot.

The three of them so far briefly only window shopped this street. A few shops back they browsed inside a tailor shop featuring multi-purposed sleek-looking suits, a cake bakery which wafted with so much vanilla ice extract it made his nose crinkle. And a music shop where Tomo picked up a brochure because of its supposedly-specialized skills in entertaining parties. 

Akutagawa fixed his gaze on Atsushi again, whose eyes were pointed at the ground. He looked quite red too. It might merely be the heat getting to him and needing some distance…but then why does he have such a pained reaction and withdraw away when someone nearby talks or laughs too loud?

His jaw ached as irritation poked inside of him and he’s afraid he might actually snap and blow their cover if he doesn’t ask Atsushi what’s wrong soon. He opened his mouth, about to excuse them away from his aunt, however of course Akutagawa Tomo decided to announce something this very moment too.

“Oh, look. There’s our official stop of the day!” Tomo pointed up ahead to a rectangular-shaped office building. It was just outside where the shopping district ended and the exterior’s design was split in the center with a facade of aged-looking sandstones (almost mimicking gold in Atsushi’s opinion) on the right and then fiberglass window panes on the left, where the entrance’s door was located.

Akutagawa heaved out a sigh and continued to follow his aunt until the pull on his hand became stagnant. He paused and glanced behind him.

“Atsushi?” 

Atsushi ignored Akutagawa. “Tomo-san...this is quite generous of you.” Too much.

His breath quickened and the grip on their interlocked hands loosened enough for his hand to fall back down to his side. Akutagawa fully faced him now and narrowed his eyes.

What was he doing? The weretiger’s face was worryingly pale and he practically shook as he stared wide-eyed at what? Akutagawa sought to where Atsushi was practically gaping like a fish out of water and coughed into his hand. Ah, so it was the name of the place. 

Koibito’s…

….Special Events &…Wedding Services. 

(A/N: Koibito = Lover/Sweetheart in Japanese)

When Tomo meant shopping—Atsushi did not predict official shopping. FOR AN ACTUAL WEDDING?

Don’t people usually need months to do this?

Tomo flashed one of her coy smiles at them before she turned around to look at a poster advertisement for the business on a nearby bulletin board. “This is a surprise from Dōsho and I. No need to worry about the cost. It’s our early present to you both as a family.”

“How great, Tomo-san. T-thank you.” Atsushi’s voice sounded enthusiastic but thank god Tomo wasn’t facing them. The confoundment most likely painted on his face would definitely give them away. His head was spinning.

Akutagawa pressed his lips together while he weighed some options here. The weretiger wasn’t in the right mindset for some reason to go through with this. He let out a soft huff and summoned his most friendliest-and-non-hostile expression he could before he called his aunt and stepped in front of Atsushi.

“Oba-san. We’ll meet you inside. I believe we forgot something in the car.” 

Tomo was about to push the door open when she turned back at them. She adjusted her bag over her shoulder. “Okay! That’s no problem. I’ll see you inside.” 

Once Tomo entered the building, Atsushi snapped out of his frozen-state to grab Akutagawa’s shoulders. The other looked like he tased him or something but right now he seriously could care less if he lost a leg from Rashōmon.

“Akutagawa.” Atsushi looked into hardened steel-eyes. “What do we do?!” And again, how the hell does this dude manage to look so nonchalant in these situations?

Akutagawa’s face was twisted into an odd expression and for a fleeting second, concern was evident in his eyes too. It gave Atsushi some hope of what he thought, wasn't about to happen. Although, instead of coming up with a plan to escape like Atsushi expected, Akutagawa reached down for his hand.

Atsushi jerked it away. “What are you doing?”

The man-in-question said nothing and grabbed his wrist instead, finding it easier to grasp and checked behind him before he yanked Atsushi to a nearby alleyway.

“H-hey, Akutagawa!”

He let go of him when they were both fully out of sight from the entrance. Plus absolutely positive Atsushi wouldn’t bolt as soon as he released his hold. Akutagawa raised his chin and frowned at the other. 

“This isn’t about the hand-holding, is it?” 

Atsushi tried not to flinch but Akutagawa witnessed his body go rigid. 

It’s a disgrace. The Headmaster’s voice bellowed in his head.

No, Atsushi shook his head. That voice was not real.

It’s dead.

“What makes you say that?” Atsushi countered because he did not want to be interrogated about this right now. Akutagawa exhaled heavily as he adjusted the cuffs of his jacket and Atsushi’s eye twitched as he wondered how the guy wasn’t sweating bullets in this weather. 

“On the way over here,” Akutagawa started with hesitation, fearing Atsushi would yell. He totally knew he had a bad habit of being too harsh with his words. “I noticed you would hide behind me where no one could see our adjoined hands…or you would drop your hand entirely if you caught someone staring at us.”

Atsushi’s face fell and ran his fingers through his hair. He really did not want to have this conversation. Especially here, of all places. A soft groan left his mouth as he leaned back against the wall and turned his head away. There was no energy left in him to try and feign innocence with this.

He could attempt to escape…but Akutagawa wasn’t the type to let go and drop topics so easily. It was only a matter of time before the other detected this problem of his. Akutagawa would definitely corner him about it later again if necessary. 

“We’re both guys,” Atsushi admitted and twirled his bangs with his finger. Akutagawa stood up straighter and Atsushi didn’t see the flicker of surprise on the other’s face.

Akutagawa scrunched up his nose. “And? I don’t see the difference here.”

Atsushi's mouth flattened and looked back at him. “It actually doesn’t…bother you? Other people seeing us in public?” Judging them. Looking down at them. “I'm completely comfortable with your family but with other people…” His voice was rising. “I don’t know what to think! How are you not affected by it?”

Akutagawa’s eyes widened subtly, lips parting while he comprehended the weight of Atsushi’s words but he shook his head. “It—we...Jinko, I wouldn’t have proposed to you to do this whole marriage thing if it did!” he tried to explain and truly disliked it how Atsushi cowered at him. Akutagawa took a deep breath before he went on. “Plus, no one we know in Yokohama will know about it either.”

“...I guess…you're right," Atsushi mumbled while he dropped his head. "I’m sorry. I just—”

“It’s alright.” Akutagawa raised a hand and coughed. “There's no need to say ‘sorry’. Or explain. Can I ask you something though?” 

The other rolled his eyes. “Go for it.”

“Are you not comfortable around me?”

Atsushi spluttered and attempted to glare at him. “Are you asking me this as your enemy or your friend?”

“We’re not friends.”

“And we’re definitely not sweethearts either! What’s the point of the question?”

Akutagawa wrinkled his nose and glanced back out towards the street, swallowing hard. “Look, Jinko. It’s truly not my business to…ask this type of question—but if you’re uncomfortable solely because I’m a guy too, or because it’s just me. There’s a huge difference.”

Atsushi fists tightened at his side. The weretiger trembled before him and Akutagawa honestly was at a loss on what to do.

One option: he could pry the reason out of him. He never wavered in the past to use such brash tactics to receive the response he needed.

What stopped him now to use that course of action?

Whatever it was, he decided to stand there and stuffed his hands into his pockets while he waited until the other was ready to answer.

“Listen, Akutagawa,” Atsushi finally voiced out after a few minutes and casted his gaze down at their feet when Akutagawa looked back at him. “It’s not you. I swear. I—I don’t…I don’t know…” What’s wrong with him, he wanted to add but bit his lip before he mustered up the courage to voice that part. “It’s not like I need you to help me with this too. It’s my own worry…”

“Jinko. Look at me.” 

The stubborn man refused at first, but gradually...those delicate honey-stained purple eyes of his lifted off the ground. Akutagawa stared into them for a moment. Searching for—

“I don’t want to force you to do anything...”

An unspoken answer.

“…if you’re not...ready—I mean, not truly comfortable with. It’s…uh okay. I guess.” 

But he’s unsure of the one he received.

Akutagawa’s neck heated up at his own response. He took a hand out of his pocket to cover his face and coughed again.

Why was he so considerate all of sudden?

Regardless though, he never expected Atsushi to question something like this. The other seemed more secure than himself, but he must’ve assumed too much. 

Atsushi shook his head furiously this time and pushed himself off the wall to stand beside Akutagawa, who looked a bit uneasy now. His mind was too muddled to be in complete shock about the worry Akutagawa was expressing in his tone. “No, no. I’m alright. I got myself into this. And agreed I would help you.”

The black-haired man chewed on his lip and gave him a once over. “Are you sure you’re fine right now, Jinko?” He took his other hand out of his pocket to cross his arms.

“Yeah, I am.” Atsushi sucked in a breath and managed a brief smile. 

“We can wait here all day. For as long as it takes you.”

“I promise. I don’t want your family to look down on me either.”

Akutagawa scoffed. “My family like…adores you. You’re doing fine.” He lifted an arm to check his wristwatch. “We can talk more about this later if you…wanted.”

“Thanks...” Atsushi rubbed his shoulder and locked eyes with Akutagawa again. “Okay, so what’s the plan now?”

He glanced down at his hand. “I presume,” Akutagawa said tersely, “we’re faking this.” Akutagawa laced their fingers together tight and Atsushi was in mid-blink when he was pulled back towards the front of the building. 

“Wait. We didn’t—WHAT THE HELL—”

Atsushi’s nose was attacked with a strong whiff of orchards when they entered the lobby. He mentally scolded himself for his first thought being Akutagawa smelled better. A couple of customers loitering nearby stole some looks their way and he gulped.

He probably looked like the type-of-person to bail on the actual wedding day. And they’re probably right at this rate.

They could have easily said ‘no’ to this part of the act. It’s supposed to be their wedding! Fake wedding, to be clear. This man was tremendously ridiculous with his stubbornness. He thought Akutagawa was only this brash if it had to do Dazai but then again, he didn’t want to disappoint his family too. Like a lot.

How could Atsushi forget that’s the whole reason they were in this mess?

“Akutagawa,” he whispered loud enough for the only other to hear. “Did you even try to think this through fully?” 

The man shrugged. “This is just to browse different options right? How bad can it be?”

Atsushi eyed a handful of workers in uniforms running around with their hands full of clipboards, and some even juggling fancy-looking decorations. The entire lobby alone looked like a wedding venue itself! He choked out a strained laugh. “I don’t think—”

His response was cut short when they both spotted Tomo in the distance. She was talking to one of the receptionists at the front desk and smiled wide when she saw them and signaled them over. If Atsushi had any more refutes they died on the tip of his tongue, which felt like sandpaper.

Tomo faced the receptionist again when they were within earshot. “Here’s the lovely couple now.”

While Atsushi’s eyes continued to flit around the extravagant lobby, he missed when a young woman with blonde hair stepped around the front desk, and off the raised platform to stand in front of them. He turned his head back when she bowed and smiled at them? Atsushi glanced behind him and back at the woman. 

“Hello, nice to meet you!” she greeted and Atsushi noted a faint-American accent while she looked down at her clipboard. “Akutagawa-sama and...Nakajima-sama! My name is Yuki, and I'm assigned as your official wedding planner for the day. Congratulations on the engagement!”

Atsushi’s jaw fell open and the other man stiffened beside him.

Okay. What the hell. 

What did Akutagawa get themselves into?!

Chapter Text

Song featured towards the end: Shouldn't Be By Luke Chiang

~

"The fool always believes that everyone but himself is a fool.” ~ Akutagawa Ryuunosuke (Kappa)

I’m Falling (Deeper):

"You both can follow me over here,” Yuki, their actual wedding planner instructed, and quite frankly, Atsushi’s feet were rooted in place.  

They couldn’t back out of this now, could they?    

He probably would’ve stood at the front desk all day like an idiot lost in a crowd if it wasn’t for the firm grip Akutagawa had on his hand. Atsushi staggered behind the man while Yuki escorted them towards one of the tall gold-stained doors across the lobby. Panic rattled inside of him when he tripped over his own feet and pulled himself back before he flat-out almost smashed his nose into Akutagawa's back.  

The other’s peculiar floral scent made all his senses go a-wire whenever they were this close together. Atsushi swallowed, looking around the place again but the harsh bright lighting made his head hurt.  

Tomo waved goodbye as they were whisked away, and Atsushi thinks he heard she’ll be back later to pick them up.  

They’ll find out later, he guessed.  

Because this was his true reality right now.  

Nakajima Atsushi at age eighteen, about to plan for a wedding with someone he doesn’t even like!   

What the hell was wrong with him?    

Well, a lot of things...but Atsushi shook his head. That’s a whole other dilemma he did not need to think of right now. 

He was scared out of his wits when Akutagawa leaned over to whisper in his ear.  

“We can try and run.”  

Atsushi squinted, shooting a strained smile over at his fake fiancé. “A bit too late for that, dear.”  

He would honestly be bed-ridden with immense guilt if they tried now.   

No one here looked at them in a strange way so that’s a positive. His nerves were still hyperactive about their conversation just moments ago. He didn’t feel completely fine with all this, but at least Akutagawa was enduring it with him. He could get through with this.  

“Are you sure?” Akutagawa tried again, causing Atsushi’s eye to twitch.  

“Yes! You idio—”  

“It’s so nice to see younger couples here!” Yuki’s cheery voice snapped both their attention back to the crucial situation at hand and Atsushi straightened his shoulders. 

Akutagawa tched soft enough for only Atsushi to pick up the noise. He shook his hand off with such a distasteful expression and Atsushi bit his tongue hard to stop himself from commenting about it. Thankfully, Yuki walked ahead of them, so she didn’t see anything.  

The steady clicking of their shoes on the marble floors sounded so far away for him. A lot more doors were in this part of the building to what seemingly led to party rooms. White stone pedestals were lined against the hallway’s ivory paneled walls, each one with a glass vase on top filled with various kinds of summer flowers and pink silk ribbon bows fastened around them. 

Atsushi’s ears perked up at music playing from one door on the right but directed his attention to Yuki when she continued speaking again.   

“So, I believe I heard from one of your family members that there's no date set yet for you two? That’s completely okay! Here at Koibito, it varies a lot between couples. It honestly depends on when the time is right since it’s a joint decision! Wedding planning can get stressful, so we do assist future newlyweds a lot,” she chuckled. “That’s mostly obvious though from the business’s name itself. No need to worry about making definite decisions today too. We understand it can get complicated, so we simply offer mini courses on what to expect when you settle on a date.”  

Atsushi wringed his hands together. “Ah, so we don’t have to make any official decisions today for the uhm—” He looked over at Akutagawa, who continued to stare straight ahead— “wedding for...us.” His gaze lingered on the mafioso before he dragged his eyes back on Yuki, watching the chain attached to her pen and clipboard rattle with each step she took.   

“Yep! Nothing is set in stone unless you believe it is. Down the road—whenever that will be—you can always contact us again and we can even help contact vendors, or even venues for your wedding if you’d like! It makes the process a lot smoother when the special day arrives, and everything is all set to go for everyone to enjoy it.”  

Yuki stopped them in front of a large oil painting when they neared the end of the hallway and turned around to fully face them. “I also noticed earlier you both already have wedding bands! How sweet! Did you by chance set a budget yet too for the special day?”  

Now that question flew straight over Atsushi’s head. Of course, money would be brought up in such a place...an agitated reminder of how inadequate his own income was.

Not that he would ever choose to step into a place like this on his own accord. This was solely because of Akutagawa and his stupid persistence-self. Atsushi’s unable to figure out what the other was really thinking about all of this, peeking over at Akutagawa in his peripheral vision.  

It was bizarre how Yuki’s bubbly aura reminded him a lot of Akutagawa’s subordinate, Higuchi too. Their first meeting was quite a chaotic one, considering it was also the same day he met the man beside him but honestly...everyone he met in the past year was never under “normal” circumstances. Her excitable side was especially clear as day when he met Gin too while the temporary truce was in place between both organizations. 

A twinge of homesickness flared up inside of him just thinking about Yokohama.   

How was everyone at the detective agency doing now?   

Akutagawa was half-tempted to strangle the other when Atsushi appeared to not be listening.   

Brainless fool.  

“No, we didn’t set one,” Akutagawa breathed out, raising a hand to cough. “The engagement was quite recent.”  

Yuki nodded and began to jot something down on the clipboard. “Ah okay! That's the first thing to be discussed soon then. A financial budget is top priority before anything else.”   

“I see, that’s wonderful now.” Akutagawa smiled tightly and flicked Atsushi’s forehead hard while Yuki was distracted. The weretiger jolted and his hands clenched at his sides. He raised one like he was on the verge of hitting Akutagawa back although the tension between them extinguished as soon as Yuki looked up and locked eye contact directly with Atsushi.   

He froze in place. “Uh—”  

“So, what courses would you two be interested in starting with today?”  

“Uhm—”   

“We have flower arranging, dancin—”   

“We don’t need to be included in that,” Akutagawa interrupted, and Yuki raised an eyebrow while her gaze shifted over to him and went to grab her pen. “The dancing one.”  

“Oh okay...no worries! And it seems you’re both scheduled for the full lovebirds wedding package today as well. But again, that’s okay on skipping around certain courses if they’re not needed.”  

Atsushi blinked multiple times before Yuki’s words managed to be comprehensible in his jumbled-mess-of-a-brain. Courses? Full—what?   

Yuki glanced back over at Atsushi. “So, anything specific you want to do again?”  

“I’m sorry, uh—what are the choices again?”  

Yuki opened her mouth to explain, but Akutagawa cut in before every god-forsaken course at this place was named. The faster they got through this, the better.  

“I believe, we can simply do whatever is easiest, based on what’s available at this moment.”   

Atsushi nodded in a lethargic manner as the plan eventually made sense in his head and nudged Akutagawa playfully in the ribs, wincing when Akutagawa grunted. 

He seriously might get stabbed once this day was over.     

“Yeah, whatever he said!”   

But at least Akutagawa was the coherent one.    

Yuki glanced owlishly between them, and Atsushi began to think he said something wrong, wiping his sweaty palms on his white dress shirt. 

He could tell Akutagawa was forcing his face to appear passive right now and debated if running away was the best course of action after all before his self-control cracked until Yuki beamed at them.  

“Okay then!” She flipped to a new page on her clipboard. “Let’s see…”  

~  

“...How about this?”  

“Oh god. No feathers. That would be a disaster,” Atsushi groaned, his life decisions once again being contemplated on what the hell they got themselves into.  

Akutagawa shrugged and dropped the hideous feather boutonniere back on the table. His eyes swept the accessories with no interest at all before side-glancing Atsushi. “I thought cats loved those feather toys?”  

Atsushi scowled at how serious Akutagawa sounded about that question, pulling at his black dress shirt’s collar. It fit too tight on him with the silver necktie. “Again, I am not a cat! You’re ridiculous,” Like this whole new get-up he’s in too. “I can’t believe we’re stuck doing this.”  

The “couple” stood in a small lounge room featuring a table of a lot, and really a lot of adornments for complimentary wedding portraits.   

The first thing on the itinerary today. How fun.  

It varied from the questionable feather item Akutagawa picked out, assorted-colored outfit additions like bowties and some fine metal jewelry Atsushi almost does not want to taint with his near poverty-stricken status.  

Damn, these rich people.   

“Are these outfits even officially ours?”  

“I’ll admit for once, I’m as lost as you, Jinko.”  

His shoulders deflated and wanted to collapse right there, reframing from leaning against the table. Atsushi wished he had a chair to sink into.   

Preceding the introductions with Yuki, who explained more about the courses offered at Koibito for future newlyweds and such—much to Akutagawa’s dismay—the two were ushered into separate dressing rooms where a handful of tailors swarmed around him.  

Atsushi squirmed underneath their intense gazes when they scaled him from head-to-toe with a tape measure and an odd ball of yarn with pins sticking out everywhere. The entire time he wanted to curl in on himself and hide in the corner.   

He couldn’t tell you how they managed to get his size measurements in such little time either.    

The workers dressed him up in a few selected suits until the team settled on this classic-fitted white suit with black lapels, paired with dark suede shoes. Plus opting out the white dress shirt he wore when he arrived with a new black one to contrast with the suit more. He liked how the fabric was a lot softer than what he usually wore but he couldn’t stop ruminating how much this cost Akutagawa’s family.  

When he met Akutagawa again in the hallway, it became clear he wore a similar suit, except he wore an all-black one, with a white dress shirt.  

Akutagawa heaved out a sigh and scanned the accessories for the umpteenth time in the past five minutes while Atsushi glanced at the clock on the wall. The photographer was taking a while.  

His urge to bring up how he did try to get them out of this situation before entering the place was high although Atsushi also speculated an argument would break out if he did and swallowed down his pettiness.  

“You don’t see any to your liking, Akutagawa?”  

“We’re already both comparably in a suit and tie. What’s the purpose of all these...things?”  

Atsushi glanced down at the collection. “To make a picture worthy-moment, I guess.” He massaged his temples, leaning against the table now when an idea sparked in his head. “Oh! How about we each pick one thing for each other?”  

“Sounds tactless.”  

“Like your sense of fun.”  

“I beg your pardon?”  

“Oh, hush.” Atsushi waved him off. “Let's not let this opportunity go to waste.”  

And for better or for worse—at least there's no definite plans to be made today, which made things a lot easier to cope with. They both simply must survive the day and push it all behind them once the act was over.  

Atsushi scoured the accessories again and placed his finger on his lips. 

Akutagawa already wore a fancy watch...didn’t seem like a flower person...and most definitely would not budge wearing a new tie if it wasn’t black.

After some contemplation, Atsushi went to grab a small box featuring some gold cufflinks although what he found tucked underneath it caught his eye even more.  

“Here, I like this for you.” Atsushi slipped out a red handkerchief. He folded the cloth with quick precision and twisted it, so it mimicked a rose. It was a simple trick he learned to do to pass time back in the orphanage—a rare activity that he would perform for the other kids if they ordered him to with whatever scraps (of cloth or paper) he could find. Atsushi reached out to place the handkerchief in the breast pocket of the other’s suit and Akutagawa tried to suppress a flinch from the unexpected touch. “This definitely gives your life some color.”  

Akutagawa narrowed his eyes. “My life is none of your concern.”  

“You’re right,” Atsushi snickered while he adjusted the handkerchief in place and smiled at the new addition, which widened more when their eyes met. “It’s totally not. But red does look good on you.”  

Akutagawa clenched his jaw shut and turned away as his entire body flushed from the weretiger’s words.  

He’s so confusing.  

Half the time he’s a stuttering mess and there he goes now—declaring random things like that. Akutagawa hated it.  

He hoped his cheeks weren’t aflame and snatched the first item peaking his own interest. “Whatever, Jinko. This is my choice for you.”   

The silver-haired man yelped when Akutagawa shoved something into his face and almost grazed him in the eye. “What the hell? Don’t actually make me blind!”  

“Purple,” Akutagawa said bluntly and Atsushi scrunched up his face.  

“Hah?”   

Akutagawa refused to look at him and puffed out his cheeks. He raised his hand higher to force Atsushi to pay attention. His eyes flickered back at Atsushi once before finding the wall more interesting than him.

Atsushi sighed from the other's mind games, grumbling as he looked down to see what the man held and—  

“Oh.”  

“Purple,” Akutagawa repeated. “It suits you.”  

“...It does?” Atsushi questioned and squinted as he took in the sight of deep purple petals and what he believed were heart-shaped leaves.   

Violet flowers.   

Akutagawa clicked his tongue. “Surprisingly. It astonished me too.”  

“God, I really feel like you only open your mouth to insult me,” Atsushi complained and felt one of the petals between the pad of his fingers. His eyes widened. “Wow, they’re real.”  

He wasn’t expecting such a choice from Akutagawa, but it was pretty. A smart choice to go with a white suit. Three violets were attached to a silver lapel pin and securely bonded together with a matching green fabric to imitate a stem. Atsushi looked between Akutagawa and flowers while the man turned forwards again with an eye roll.   

“Of course, they’re real, you fool. Doesn’t take a genius to figure that out.”  

Atsushi said something unintelligent about how complicated Akutagawa's attitude was and he went to grab the flower boutonniere himself but Akutagawa moved his hand out of reach. He stumbled backwards when Akutagawa stepped into his personal space.  

“What are you…”  

“Let me.”  

“Ah—” Atsushi took a step back, but Akutagawa took a step forward— “No, it’s okay!”   

“You put the handkerchief on me. Seriously, stay still.”  

“THAT WASN’T POINTY?”  

“What does that even mean...” Akutagawa eyebrows knitted together until his confused expression transformed into an irritated one, eyes darkening. “How would—I am not going to murder you here! How low do you think of me, Jinko? Get over here.”  

“I have two hands.” Atsushi held them up for emphasis, eyeing the flowers. He dodged away again when Akutagawa tried to grab his arm. “I am fully capable of putting that on myself!”   

For some reason, the act of Akutagawa touching him in this context set off a lot of alarms in his head.   

Hand-holding?   

Okay, he didn’t officially hate it. But he won’t ever say that to Akutagawa out loud and having Akutagawa this close in this situation—now that’s a whole different story.  

“Jinko.”  

“Nope.”  

“Damnit, Jink—!”  

While the two were too busy chasing each other around the room, they didn’t hear the door click open and an unknown timid voice cut through the air.  

“Uh uhm…are you by chance the Akutagawas?”   

Both paused, staring wide at each other before they both fixed their gazes at a confused-looking employee. They stood at the now opened entry of the room, which led to where the photos were set up to be taken in the main banquet hall.  

Atsushi took the chance to seize the violet boutonniere while Akutagawa’s attention was diverted and pinned it over his suit's left breast pocket. The mafioso stared in disbelief when he turned to the detective, who also had the audacity to cross his arms and smirked at him. 

Akutagawa was truly tempted to strangle him now.  

“I’m very sorry if I interrupted anything!” The employee cut in again, and their face paled immensely fast when Akutagawa shot daggers in their direction. They swallowed, opening and closing their mouth until they considered it safer to look over at Atsushi instead. “I understand, it’s completely normal for couples to fight...but...but the er...photographer is ready to see you now so—”  

“We understand.” Akutagawa took Atsushi’s hand in his. “Come on, dear.” He pushed them past the worker, who stepped out of their way just in time and Atsushi hoped his brief smile was enough to apologize on both their behalf.  

Atsushi glanced behind him where the employee trailed behind them a safe distance away.   

“You could have been a little nicer,” he suggested, facing forward again and stared at the back of the black-haired man’s head as he dragged him towards the tall white backdrop set up next to the bar.

Akutagawa scoffed at such nonsense the weretiger spewed.  

“I do not need your unsolicited advice.”  

The photographer was fiddling with a bulky camera next to a makeshift desk by the time the pair reached the area and Atsushi’s eyes accidentally locked on the open laptop. He looked away before the photographer caught him snooping in the files but now, he was a bit confused about what they're supposed to do.   

How did they have to pose for this?   

“Everything is almost set,” the photographer announced without looking up. “Please, stand in front of the backdrop. I have to adjust the lighting.”  

Akutagawa nodded and pulled them over, letting go of Atsushi’s hand to stand behind him instead.   

“And before we begin, would you both like a kissing pho—”  

“No.”  

Atsushi wanted to kick Akutagawa. “Uhm...no, no thank you. We appreciate the offer though.”   

“No worries,” the photographer laughed. “Always a question needed to be asked.”   

Atsushi twisted around and glared. “I told you to be nicer.”  

Akutagawa rolled his eyes. “Apologies, my love.”  

Atsushi faced forward with a loud huff, flinching when thin but firm hands were placed on his shoulders. He could feel how cold they were even through the layers of the suit he wore. If that wasn’t strange enough—Akutagawa lifted one hand off and Atsushi saw him flex his fingers in the corner of his eyes.  

“…Uh…what is it?”  

“Your shoulders.” Akutagawa coughed before returning his hand to mirror its twin. "They’re just...broader than I presumed.”  

Atsushi’s almost brain shut down.  

They’re what?   

“I—uhm thank you?”  

Akutagawa winced. “Please shut up, Atsushi.”  

And he did— relieved it was the same time the photographer walked over, placing the camera on the tripod in front of them and snapped it in place. Atsushi chewed on the inside of lip to distract and wield away the unwanted thoughts spiraling through his head. 

“Wait.” Atsushi turned back to Akutagawa again and Akutagawa wrinkled his nose. “Where do I put my hands then? How are we posing for this?”   

He's assuming that's why Akutagawa had his hands on him right now.  

“I don’t know! Just smile for the picture.”   

“But we can’t simply just stand here for all of them!” Atsushi snapped and lowered his voice, “Those would be awkward wedding photos.”  

Akutagawa fought the urge to twist the weretiger around as a few ideas swarmed inside his head and looked away from Atsushi. He could feel the other’s blazing eyes on him and aggravation pricked his neck.  

The photographer shot the “couple” a reassuring smile as they situated themselves behind the camera. “You both ready to go?”   

To Akutagawa's benefit, Atsushi turned back around without force and Atsushi cracked a weak smile at the camera person. “Y—yeah.”   

The photographer held up three fingers.   

“Okay, smile for me in 3...2...1—”  

Here’s your silly ‘picture-worthy moment’, weretiger.   

Click.  

~  

“We’re burning these later,” Akutagawa gruffed and shoved the sample photos against Atsushi’s chest. He did not want to look at them. He already stared down at the one where Atsushi leaned back towards him with an idiotic grin on his face.  

What the hell?    

He wanted to rip the awkward blush off his own face. He felt hot just thinking about it. He would've assumed it didn’t affect Atsushi either if it wasn’t for the faint pink on his face as well in the photo.

The weretiger blushed a lot—a perplexing occurrence when this whole fake wedding thing started. Whenever they fought, Atsushi tended to hold up a lot of confidence in himself. Yet recalling back to their alleyway conversation, he switched back into the shaken and scared individual like when they first met.   

What a gamble the other was at times, but regardless, at least they truly do look like a couple in these photos. That’s worth the degradation of himself to an extent.   

“Before, or after our ill-fated honeymoon?” Atsushi asked regarding the pictures and Akutagawa raised his chin with an eyebrow arched.  

“Remember, this is only an act, Jinko. What happens here, stays here.”  

“Yeah, yeah of course. I’m not as dense as you perceive, you know?”   

Akutagawa didn’t reply and continued fussing with the cuffs of his suit and Atsushi huffed as he stuffed the photos in his pant's pocket. 

They were seated in another banquet hall now, this one a lot smaller and secluded like a private dining hall with dimmed lighting. Plated samples of cakes and tasty delicacies were spread out between them on the table but neither bothered to touch anything, even though Yuki did say they were allowed before she ventured off to assist another couple. Apparently, this was some kind of mock wedding cake tasting.   

Atsushi looked up from the rainbow of flavors when someone came over and began pouring a deep maroon-looking liquid into the crystal glasses next to the dessert. He opened his mouth about to protest based on what he assumed it was, but Akutagawa beat him to the punch.  

“Excuse me, but do you have any tea?”  

Well, that wasn’t what Atsushi was expecting to hear from him.   

The chef—or waiter (Atsushi seriously had no idea how any of this worked)—shook their head ‘no’ and set the bottle of wine down beside the sample tray of buttercream scooped out like ice cream. “That’s not usually something offered at a taste tasting at least here, sir.”  

“Understandable,” Akutagawa said and placed his elbow on the table to rest his chin over his hand. “Thank you.”  

The server bowed and once they were out of earshot, Atsushi pointed at the glass like it was poisoned. “I can’t drink this! I’m underaged, remember?”  

“You’re twenty too, remember? I forged you fake paperwork.”  

“You did what?!” Atsushi exhaled and ran his fingers through his hair. “You know what—never mind. Of course, you did. I shouldn’t even be surprised at this point.” He looked at the wine for a moment before gingerly picking it up. The reddish liquid slosh around as he tilted the glass back and forth and lifted it to his nose, getting a whiff of something strong and fruity. It didn’t smell too bad.   

Out of curiosity, he took a slow sip and grimaced. It tasted worse than he thought. “Ack—this is so bitter. How do people drink this?”  

Akutagawa spared a glance at him with weary eyes; uninterested. “Who knows. I don’t bother to indulge myself with such impractical activities and prefer not to get intoxicated.”  

“I thought mafia members got drunk all the time?” Atsushi set the glass back down on the table, trying to not embarrassingly gag from the foul aftertaste and made a face when Akutagawa looked like he wanted to punch him without delay.   

“I am appalled, I just heard that.” Akutagawa pinched the bridge of his nose. “That’s such an off-putting stereotype. I’m disappointed in you, Jinko.”  

“Hey,” Atsushi huffed out. “Give me some credit here! I didn’t even know the mafia existed until someone decided to ambush the agency in an alleyway and Dazai-san had to intervene!”  

“My bad.” Akutagawa shifted his arm, so his head rested almost on the table now, “But speaking of Dazai-san—the last time I went drinking was actually with him.”  

“Huh, Dazai-san?”  

“It was a long time ago...I was about sixteen, I believe. I passed out after a few sips—it was awful.”  

Atsushi's mouth curled into a smirk, wanting tease him for not being able to hold his liquor but his mood wavered when took notice of Akutagawa's posture—like really looking at him—who frowned as usual, but he looked quite...deflated. 

Like he’s running on empty.  

That’s out of character for him.   

“Are you...alright?”  

“I didn’t sleep well,” Akutagawa admitted as he took a fork and smeared the frosting on top of what looked like a raspberry-flavored cake.  

The bags underneath his eyes were a lot darker now that Atsushi observed him. 

“Again?”  

Akutagawa nodded and mumbled into his arm. “Life of crime sucks the life out of you. How about you? Regarding what happened earlier—when we talked.”  

Atsushi shifted in chair and held the back of his neck as uneasy thoughts resurfaced in his head. He didn’t even think about it until Akutagawa brought it up—too distracted with all this wedding stuff.   

“I’m better now..." Atsushi took a slow breath and turned away before those negative thoughts elevated, surprisingly feeling calmer in the other’s presence to talk about it. He’s not prepared to tell him everything—but it's on the tip of his tongue. As a maybe. "Really, thanks again for what you said. I don’t really know what came over me.”  

“No need to thank me,” Akutagawa replied. “I’m glad your mood improved. It’s satisfactory for the charades of this entire thing.”  

“Right...the act is important...we have to pretend well for—uh, all this.” Atsushi made a gesture with his hand and paused, unsure he why felt disappointed in Akutagawa’s answer, but he decided to move on from it anyway. It wasn't necessary to dwell on such things. “You do look really tired.”   

“That’s why I wanted tea, you moron.”  

“You drink it all the time! And you're playing with the food now, don’t just waste it,” Atsushi scolded and Akutagawa rolled his eyes from the lecture, dropping the fork and letting it clink against the plate. He heard that phrase from Chuuya all the time—it was getting old.  

“No need to pry, Jinko. I only eat to satisfy my needs. I do not need a whole meal to survive, excuse me.”  

“Fine, whatever. It’s not my job to watch over your declining health,” Atsushi muttered and pushed the idea out of his mind to lay his head down on the table too. They were both exhausted, it seemed. Hard to say if it was for the same reason. “Although, I bet you won’t be able to eat a single thing off this table. And water does not count.”  

Wait.  

Why does he even care if Akutagawa eats more or not because—   

“Water isn’t even food. You’re absurd.” Akutagawa stabbed a random cake sample with his fork and placed it in his mouth. He got hints of blackberry and maybe amaretto, but he didn’t bother relishing its intense chocolate taste and swallowed it down before replying again. “I will admit, it’s not bad. I like it. but I can’t believe you—” Akutagawa scowled while Atsushi gaped at him— “Why are you looking at me like that again?”  

The weretiger cleared his throat and looked down at his hands. “I didn’t expect you to actually listen to me...and I just uh...never expected you to be a sweets person either.”  

Akutagawa faltered, frowning—what made the weretiger say that?    

His gaze ventured over at another couple across the room, who were laughing quietly at each other. “I don’t consider myself one.”   

Maybe as a kid he was. His mother used to get him this certain candy when she got home from work sometimes. 

Items like chocolate were a symbol—reminder even—of how much his life improved since the loss of his parents and poverty in the slums.  

His Port Mafia status supplied him enough, so he didn't find the personal value in such luxuries anymore. The reminiscences of his past shouldn’t affect his present. That'd be foolish. He knew never to take for granted things he was lucky enough to obtain. 

He went to grab a drink to get the chocolate taste out of his mouth and his lips puckered when the cold liquid fell on his tongue. Unable to spit it out, Akutagawa forced himself to swallow it and hacked out a round of coughs.  

“Are you—” Atsushi started but Akutagawa waved him off.  

“What the hell did I just drink?” he rasped out as he managed to catch his breath and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. “I thought it was water.”   

“Uhhh...” Atsushi grabbed the slip of paper, holding it out as far as possible and squinted at the words. “Some kind of orange-spiced tonic. It says it pairs well with the uhm...chocolate champagne cake? You don’t like it?”  

“Yeah.” Akutagawa stuck his tongue out and hastily went to get the glass of plain water next to it. “I don’t like mandarins.”   

“What ‘don’t’ you like?” Atsushi commented underneath his breath and Akutagawa paused before the glass touched his lips.  

“You want to repeat that?”  

Atsushi’s eyes widened and put his hands up. “Nope, I’m good!” He let out a high-pitched laugh. “Sorry, dear. That was rude of me.”  

“Hmm…” Akutagawa let Atsushi’s ridiculous comment slide and soothed the agitation in his chest with another sip of water. His eyes caught sight of one of Koibito’s pamphlets next to the bottle of wine and began leafing through it. “Ah, this is interesting…lace and romantic.”  

The ornaments on the centerpiece jangled together when Atsushi’s knee hit the bottom of the table. “What the hell are you on now??” 

Akutagawa watched the centerpiece swish back and forth until he looked over at Atsushi and furrowed his eyebrows at the sight of the other's blooming scarlet face. “The type of cake designs? Why?” 

Atsushi stared astonished, not believing a word from this guy until his gaze dropped to where Akutagawa’s hand rested on the table. Which was right next to the…wedding ideas booklet. His face heated up even more. 

“Oh. I see.”   

“What did you think I meant?”  

Atsushi reached for water on the table. “That’s none of your business!”  

“...Okay?” Akutagawa glanced back at the image in the pamphlet. “The cake included figs.”

“Figs?”

“Figs are a favorite,” 

“Wow, so the infamous mafia dog does like something”

“What even is yours?”

“Chazuke,” Atsushi answered immediately and took a long swig of water. He scooted his chair closer to Akutagawa and leaned over to look at the design himself, which featured an impressively-crafted wedding cake with white lace fondant, burgundy flowers, blackberries and figs scattered on top. “Should we inquire about fig-flavored chazuke wedding cake, then?” he joked and fell into a bout of laughter at Akutagawa’s unamused expression. “Our guests would hate us.”    

The corner of Akutagawa's mouth twitched at the thought. “Perhaps they would have in this illusion of marriage. Figs make an excellent cake decoration with their shape and color. Your preference in chazuke, however, not a chance.”  

“Tea-flavored cakes exist!”  

“Still no.”  

“Ahh you’re no fun.” Atsushi took a spoon and scooped up a bit of the buttercream, “Here. Try this now.”  

Akutagawa pressed his mouth tighter, glaring at the pink glob. He never liked eating this many sweets in one sitting but Atsushi persisted for some reason.  

With some hesitation, Akutagawa complied and let Atsushi place the spoon in his mouth, tasting a burst of fresh strawberries. Akutagawa winced at the intense sugary flavor—this was a lot sweeter than the chocolate cake but hopefully Atsushi won’t disturb him again.  

“It’s...palatable.”  

"Good. You didn't try to poison it when I wasn't looking," Atsushi took more icing onto the spoon, wanting to try it himself. 

Akutagawa rubbed his eyes. "You're truly unusual, Jinko." 

The two (mostly Atsushi) spent the rest of the time trying the other cakes, waiting for Yuki to return. Akutagawa continued sipping water as the slow minutes dragged by when Atsushi peered over at him with a mouthful of strawberry sponge cake. 

“So, I have a question," Atsushi said in between bites and swiped off another thing of the icing. Atsushi’s tongue darted out, removing any remnants of crumbs off his lips and Akutagawa’s eyes unintentionally followed the movement. “I—”  

Atsushi stopped talking and shot Akutagawa a questioning-look when he saw the other’s gaze fixed somewhere on his face and squirmed in his seat. He flinched when those same sharp grey eyes flicked up to meet his own when Atsushi didn’t continue to say anything else.  

Akutagawa’s face reddened at the notion of being caught staring but instead of mentioning it, Atsushi turned away fast.  

Well, that was weird.  

But whatever, Akutagawa was a weird guy.   

“Uh, well I’ve been meaning to ask,” Atsushi continued, pulling at the collar of his shirt. “Why did you opt us out of the dancing thing here?”  

“...No reason,” Akutagawa said too quickly, and Atsushi tilted his head back to him.  

“Aw come on—I won’t judge.”  

Akutagawa glowered and crossed his arms and legs as he faced away from Atsushi like a little kid who didn’t get his way. Atsushi almost wanted to laugh but no—he needed to stay serious if he wanted the true answer.  

“Akutagawa?”  

He said something inaudible, and Atsushi leaned closer. 

"I'm sorry...I didn't catch that?" 

Akutagawa gritted his teeth and Atsushi pressed backwards in the chair as he threw his arms up. “I said I can’t dance!” 

Atsushi blinked. “You’re kidding.”  

“I never had the opportunity to try it,” Akutagawa huffed out, exasperated from all the chivalry-talk again. Why does Atsushi always bring up topics like this? “It's pointless. Why would I want to dance with someone too? I’ll never need to know how.”  

“Because it’s fun! Kyouka and I do it sometimes. She stands on my feet and we just waltz in the apartment with random music playing like I don’t know Bach—or any romanticism era music dude.”  

The weretiger knew classical music? That was new.   

“How lovely to hear.”  

“Do you want to get out of here?”  

Now it was Akutagawa's turn to blink in surprise. 

“Of course, but—”  

“But?”  

“The...cake.” Akutagawa explained and cringed at how lame that sounded aloud.   

The main thing was leaving here, and doing what?  

“The cake?” Atsushi echoed and laughed, “Sure. Even though you didn’t bother to eat any of it earlier.” Atsushi grabbed his wrist and yanked him off his chair and headed towards the back door. “Let’s go.”  

“Oi—Jinko! Where are we going?!”  

The weretiger didn't respond and pulled him down the hallway and through a random door.   

“Jinko, are we even allowed in here? Let go of me!” Akutagawa sniped when it clicked in his head they returned to the banquet hall.

It was empty now, taking in the sight of the deserted makeshift table with some equipment and papers left behind by the photographer. The lights were off in the room too with the only light source being the skylight windows near the ceiling. Evident dust particles collected in the air, intermixed with rays of sunlight streaming through the glass.

Atsushi maneuvered them through all the empty chairs and tables and Akutagawa was about to draw the line to end whatever he was happening right now when he was dragged inside yet another empty room.   

He let go of his wrist and Akutagawa fidgeted as the last bit of natural light from the banquet hall disappeared when the door closed behind them and darkness enveloped the space.  

Akutagawa heard some shuffling around in the dark until Atsushi made an audible 'ah' and the lights flicked on. He winced at the sudden evasion of his vision, eyes narrowing in on the other. 

“Answer my question, Jinko.”  

“I don’t know,” Atsushi replied with his hand lingering on the light switch and turned around to face Akutagawa. He loosened his shirt’s collar and strode over to where Akutagawa stood, looking him in the eyes. “Dance with me though.”  

Akutagawa took a step back. “Why the hell would I dance with you? Now this is getting ridiculous.”  

“You said it yourself, you had no idea how to dance. What would your future partner think?”  

“That's not…” Quite a concern for him .  

But the eagerness on Atsushi’s face was one.  

A sharp expulsion of air left his mouth and Akutagawa covered the bottom half of his face with his hand, averting his gaze to the wall. “You sure have a lot more confidence than earlier.”  

“Must be that awful wine kicking in.”  

“You had one sip,” Akutagawa countered and wondered if he was the drunk one when he locked eyes with Atsushi—a fiery sunset met with a frosty grey.   

“I must be a light-weight drunk like you then.” Atsushi’s grin widened and held out the palm of his right hand. “Let’s just embarrass the hell out of ourselves together here. I can try to teach you.”  

Akutagawa scoffed, holding back a retorting derogative and looked down at the invitation before bringing his eyes back up to the weretiger's again. Atsushi raised an eyebrow and tilted his head to the side.  

“There’s also no music,” Akutagawa added and clearly wanted to smack the other when that godly irritating grin crept on his face.  

Atsushi pointed at his ear. “Listen closely.”  

“Jinko, I don’t have supersonic hearing like y—”  

Oh, there was music.    

Some kind of R&B song could be heard through the thin-ivory walls from one of the neighboring party-rooms.  

…I can't stop feeling like none of this matters at~    

Disbelief was most likely clear on Akutagawa's face from the way Atsushi’s eyes flashed with a ‘told-you-so’ look. The music was extremely faint but still there if they focused hard enough.   

“You’re unbelievable.”  

“Then, dance with me?”  

Fool around, tell me words    

That you don't mean~    

This request was quite bold from the weretiger.   

Akutagawa wrinkled his nose. He didn’t let his refuting thoughts catch up to him and snatched Atsushi’s hand, pulling him closer without warning.   

I'm already numb to it    

I'm already numb to it~    

The sudden action caused Atsushi to stumble and accidentally stepped on his foot hard.

“Sor-sorry!” he stammered out but instead of berating him about it, Akutagawa was at a loss for words when they were officially chest-to-chest. The discomfort in his foot was nothing compared to how fast his heart was pounding in his ears and how warm it became in the room.  

He did not understand himself what was happening either.   

“Don’t get any funny ideas,” Akutagawa warned and released Atsushi’s hand to rest on his shoulder instead. Atsushi chuckled and a new emotion bloomed inside his tightening chest as strong arms wrapped around his neck, suddenly feeling like he purposely stood underneath the scorching sun on a summer’s day.  

God, there’s something wrong with him.  

Akutagawa's instinctual sense wanted to shove Atsushi as far away as possible, but he forced himself to place his other hand high above the small of the other’s back and ordered himself to breathe.  

Feed me lies, tear me up

break me down~    

“Akutagawa, you might want to move your one hand down to clasp them together behind me.”

“…What’s the difference?”   

‘What is happening?’ is what he wanted to say.     

I don't wanna be playin' these games    

I'm already used to that~    

“I don’t know…” Atsushi tightened his hold around the other subconsciously, prompting him to do what he was told. Akutagawa bit back a sigh and moved the hand resting on Atsushi’s shoulder down so he could…embrace him after doing what Atsushi mentioned. “I read somewhere before that it's a certain way people dance together.”  

“You read too much.”  

Atsushi snorted and Akutagawa grimaced at the feeling against him. “You’re one to talk.”  

“Shut up, Jinko.”  

The weretiger’s body heat was always a notable feature for him. Even from simply standing next to him a good few feet away during the mission at the Underground Rats hideout Akutagawa felt it.

Warmth followed wherever he went.   

I'm already used to you being this cold    

But keepin' you close shouldn't be hard~    

“Okay, now follow my lead,” Atsushi said.

And Akutagawa did—forgetting where they currently stood with each other. Both physically and metaphorically speaking.  

His natural reactions towards Atsushi no longer seemed valid at this very moment. His intuition malfunctioned. 

If you were honest when you said you missed me    

You've played with my pride~    

Honestly, Akutagawa didn’t have the word for what emotion was surging through his veins. It made him feel too hot and god—were his hands clammy? He couldn't quite tell. Atsushi didn’t seem repulsed by this whole ordeal so he’s probably fine.   

He tensed up again when Atsushi pressed his nose against his right shoulder.  

Everything was fine, Akutagawa told himself and closed his eyes to allow his mind to focus on music and not the proximity of the other man. Not daring to label what the warmth radiating from the other made him feel.  

Making me feel like we had something real    

I know we've been over this, it's nothing new~    

The whole thing felt too intimate for Akutagawa. No one was even watching them so...why were they dancing with each other right now?   

Enemies do not simply slow-dance together with no strings attached, right?   

Right?

Used to gotta be leaving me here~

They certainly were not friends, but—Akutagawa swallowed as he mentally prepared to acknowledge this to himself—the hatred rooted inside of him directed towards the other had been subdued for some time now. He knew something had changed between them.   

It was simply because they both had to act like they liked each other here because of his family. His stomach twisted in knots at the thought of how often they associated with each other for this entire time in Fukuoka.

It's easier hating you than missing you~   

What else was there to justify?  

What was he missing here?  

Maybe he should ask Atsushi what he believed was happening right now. Just to grasp some idea of whatever this was because he had no idea at all.  

But I don't wanna be feelin' this way    

I'm already—    

Akutagawa turned his head when his lips accidentally brushed the side of Atsushi’s cheek and both men stiffened on the spot. His eyes shot open, and yeah, that question of his departed at once. 

With a huge amount of relief on Akutagawa's part, Atsushi pulled away first and detangled his arms wrapped around his shoulders before taking a huge step away. A part of Akutagawa yearned for that closeness again.  

Wait what—   

Atsushi’s nervous laughter caught his attention and saw the man holding the back of his neck. Akutagawa covered his mouth before the other man witnessed him gaping at him. It didn’t matter either way, he refused to look at Akutagawa.  

“I—I guess we should head back now before they discover us here.” Atsushi pulled at his shirt’s collar where his stupid silver tie was crooked now. His face was flushed too.  

Akutagawa cleared his throat as he gave a curt nod, unable to find the strength to use his voice. He brushed past the other once the door clicked open and headed back to the lobby before Atsushi could do or say anything else. He bit the inside of his lip and his stomach tensed, recollecting back on his past actions. 

How did they even get into that predicament? 

Chapter Text

“From the deepest desires often come the deadliest hate.” ~ Socrates

Like I Need You:

The next seven days of Nakajima Atsushi’s life could be described in one word: 

Hell. 

Not even kind of the hell which was tolerable enough to think okay—it wasn’t too bad. That was only when Kunikida would drop off his daily paperwork and the ADA menace called Dazai Osamu would pile even more on him with his own responsibilities.  

This time it was a hell which suffocated him underneath a hefty pile of confusion and weird feelings he wanted to shake off, but they were persistent like a bug crawling on his back. 

Atsushi contemplated again what he got himself into. 

An unpleasant reverie his mind fell into often ever since he said ‘alright’ to a certain someone almost one month ago. Since who else would be the cause of his inner turmoil but none other than the one and only: Akutagawa Ryuunosuke. 

He was ignoring Atsushi.

And no matter how much Atsushi tried to convince himself it was how Akutagawa always has been with him, this situation irked him a lot. Way too much.  

Because usually, Akutagawa was clear-cut with his intentions. An 100% annoying, unyieldingly honest, brutal and straight-to-the-point kind of a person. Notorious for his lack of remorse. But the latter has been in complete radio silence about the root of whatever occurred and god, Atsushi was pissed. 

Starting with reasons Atsushi could comprehend at all because it all began with—

Day 1: 

“Fix your stupid tie, Jinko.”  

Akutagawa snapped at him right before they stepped back into Kobito’s lobby and Atsushi scrunched up his nose. He stopped walking to face Akutagawa. 

“Uhh?” He blinked down at himself. “What?” 

“You look indecent, you fool. Fix it.” 

The brash attitude caught Atsushi so off guard, he thought it was a joke.  

“Says yourself?” he snickered and raised an eyebrow at Akutagawa’s wrinkled dress shirt from dancing in the banquet room. Akutagawa’s jaw clenched and he crossed his arms. 

Now Atsushi picked up the stark difference with Akutagawa verses just moments before.

What’s up with him?  

“Are you okay?” Atsushi's playful mood wavered and forwent the messy tie, taking a step closer towards Akutagawa.  

Akutagawa didn’t answer. 

Well, verbally. 

Atsushi recoiled when Akutagawa surged forward with a vicious-looking intent and expecting a strike, Atsushi braced himself. His eyes flew open when he was grabbed by the tie. “W-wha...woah, hey—!” 

“I do not have the patience for this.” Akutagawa pulled the tangled knot loose, slipping the tie off Atsushi’s shoulders and re-looped it around his neck. A choked noise escaped him when Akutagawa tugged down. Too tight.  

“Seriously, what the hell is your problem?” Atsushi hissed and his voice sounded like he ate sand.  

Atsushi cursed to himself. So lost on why the atmosphere between them transformed back to their usual dynamic. No banter, just contempt. He placed a hand around his neck when Akutagawa stepped away to fiddle with his suit’s sleeves. 

They managed to make it in the lobby in one piece after grabbing the clothes they arrived in at the front desk. Akutagawa mustered up a weak smile to hide his exasperations when Tomo rushed over to them.  

“How did it go?” Tomo exclaimed and to answer her question, Akutagawa grabbed Atsushi’s hand with a hard grip. Atsushi hid a wince with a laugh, allowing himself to be towed along as Akutagawa urged them all towards the front entrance. 

“Wonderful! We’re both ecstatic.”

Day 2: 

The following day Atsushi found Akutagawa in the kitchen nursing a cup of tea in one hand and a book in the other. He looked at ease despite how they went to sleep last night with unspoken stresses about how their afternoon "date" ended.  

A strange energy stood between them. Atsushi’s nervous system already malfunctioned more than needed and Akutagawa being well—an even worse Akutagawa compared to the one he grew accustomed to in the past few weeks—added more worries on top of what life already threw at him. Akutagawa wrinkled his nose when Atsushi entered the room. 

“Leave me alone, Jinko.” 

Because he was precautionary, Atsushi looked over his shoulder to make sure Akutagawa’s family wasn’t nearby and glared at the other. 

“This is free space?! You don’t even own the place!” he pointed out and Akutagawa rolled his eyes. 

Atsushi glared even harder when Akutagawa drank his tea without looking up from his novel and it wasn't until the cup was set back down on its saucer when Akutagawa finally met Atsushi’s heated look with one of his own. 

“Very well then,” Akutagawa said in an acidic tone and shut his book. “If you’re going to occupy this area for the time being, I’ll be taking my leave.”  

Atsushi was too offended to focus on the words being spoken to him until the motion of Akutagawa stepping around him registered and Atsushi swerved around as the other stepped in the hallway. 

“Wait a minute, Akutagawa!” 

Akutagawa halted, surprisingly, and turned back with impatience. Atsushi flicked his gaze to the clock on the wall and cleared his throat while he put his eyes back to the other. 

“I—We have to discuss something.” 

Akutagawa’s lips curved into a frown. “No…we don’t.” But Atsushi could tell how he even sounded unsure of himself. 

Atsushi took a deep breath in and exhaled. “Yeah, we do.” 

“Not interested, Jinko.” 

“Akutagawa, we seriously have to—"

Akutagawa scoffed and continued down the hallway. “See you at dinner.” 

“—talk,” Atsushi sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Fine, whatever. Later then...” 

Atsushi stared at the back of Akutagawa’s head before he disappeared around the corner and towards wherever he decided to hermit himself the remainder of the day. He knew that was the last thing he would hear from him. It was no use. 

Any other time, (maybe when they weren't acting like a fake couple) Atsushi would have accepted the cold shoulder from Akutagawa to save himself the little bit of sanity he had. Especially with joint missions he had to tolerate. But this time things were different…and difficult. 

Almost like he was fond— 

Pause.  

Atsushi threw the unfinished thought far into the rubbish bin section and ‘hit' delete twice before his brain could finish that sentence.  

Absolutely not. 

He rejected the idea at all costs.

There was no way he might have liked Akutagawa’s presence. It wasn't possible. And the most comical thing his thoughts conjured up. He may be a stupid man at times, but he was certainty not a full brainless one to get attached to someone like Akutagawa. That was a joke. 

Meanwhile, away from his troubles, he actually ended up helping Dōshō with the greenhouse some more that day.  

Initially, he meandered around the office library and about to grab a tattered-looking picture book, which had a dragon on the cover when Dōshō at some point crept up behind him and Atsushi’s poor soul jumped out momentarily when Akutagawa's uncle began talking to him out of nowhere.  

He proceeded to talk about how nice the weather was and lured Atsushi outside to work on the outdoor project again, which Atsushi couldn’t refuse. Atsushi could not complain about it either. He genuinely enjoyed helping Dōshō and having him as company was one of the positives in his life right now.  

Plus the construction was coming along great. The skeleton of the greenhouse was already established with all the wooden boards lined up and bolted in place so today they decided to fill the inside floors with gravel and embellish it with a stone slab pathway.  

The exertion from the project kept his ruminations at bay and he was able to push all the frustrations out of his system for the time-being too.  

A solution where everyone benefited.  

Atsushi was scooping some soil to even out the base more when he spotted some tempered glass panels still wrapped in the plastic packaging. They were laid across the ground underneath one of the apricot trees and he swallowed thickly when the memory of when he and Akutagawa talked over there on their first night in Fukuoka resurfaced. Such a long time ago since. He tore his eyes away from the trees to ask Dōshō something. 

“Dōshō-san.” 

“Yeah, what’s up?”  

“Uhm, this might sound silly but—” He pointed at the glass—“why didn’t we install those before the flooring?” Dōshō wiped some sweat off his forehand and followed Atsushi’s line of sight. 

“Ahh well, we wouldn’t wanna throw stones in a glass house, wouldn’t we?” 

“Yes? I think…but uhm I’m not…I’m not quite following.” Atsushi scratched his chin and peered over at Dōshō. “Why would someone do that?” 

Dōshō shrugged his shoulders and walked over to Atsushi’s side with another bag of gravel. “Ignorance? Pride? Stupidity is a common trait in this world that not a lot of people like to admit they have.” He picked up a handful of pebbles and scattered the pieces over the dirt. “But anyways, I meant it’s better we prepare the foundation first, so we don’t risk damaging the outside. Especially with something as fragile as the glass. We don’t want to rush it and risk anything.” 

“I…I guess you have a point there,” Atsushi chuckled and dropped his shovel to stretch his arms, relishing in the afternoon sun on his skin, “You’re right, it makes sense now.” 

Charging into things sounded like a certain somebody.  

Atsushi blew his bangs out of his eyes and forced himself back to work again, organizing the stones now.

Who knew why he always had to jump to topics he did not want to think about.

It was becoming exhausting to deal with. He wished he had an off switch. He stretched his arms again and nevertheless allowed himself to enjoy the rest of the day with Dōshō until Tomo called the pair in for dinner.

Day 3: 

Still no updates with Akutagawa. 

Perhaps the space was needed, Atsushi concluded as he wandered the house and found random things to keep himself occupied with; wondering what Kyouka would be up to since it was a Wednesday. The day he would take her out on rare occasions as a middle of the week de-stresser and they would sight-see around Yokohama until their feet hurt.  

In full retrospect, Atsushi and Akutagawa had been each other’s presence way too much for their own good during their stay at the Akutagawa's summer house. His stomach ached at the thought of how often they spent time together.

How he never noticed it before until now was beyond him too. It’s a miracle he didn’t get impaled by Rashōmon at least once. Or blow a fuse himself from how irksome Akutagawa could be. 

Maybe he had become fully blind and needed glasses more than he thought so it’s affecting all his senses. He’ll definitely have to contact Yosano soon. 

That night he decided to try and sleep in the guest room. The one right across from their shared room. The comfort of sleeping in a bed was nice while it lasted but unfortunately, Ume managed to sniff him out and she wormed her way inside the room sometime in the middle of night.

Atsushi almost woke up the entire household from his panicking and got caught by Dōshō during his attempts to quiet down Ume’s enthusiastic barking. On the spot he managed to make up a story about how he thought he heard a mouse and Ume followed along with him.

Day 4: 

He woke up cold on the floor with a headache. 

The lights were off, but he squinted in the dark and could see the bed was already made. Akutagawa was already up and gone—somewhere in the house minding his own business away from Atsushi.

Oh, how he wanted to have the mental strength to do the same. 

Yet his mind kept going back to him.  

Absent-mindedness over the issue became a known concern while he stood in the upstairs hallway in front of the collection of family portraits. He was in the middle of debating with himself if Akutagawa even had a favorite tea when the hair on the back of his neck raised and looked around, near shrieking at the sight of Tomo.

Her forehead creased with concern while she readjusted her hold on a basket of blankets against her hip. She tilted her head. 

“Tell me, Atsushi-kun. What do you have yourself tangled up in right now?” 

He gave her a side-eyed glance. “It’s nothing, Tomo-san. Everything's alright.” 

“Honey, the stress is written across your forehead.” 

Atsushi decided fast there was no point in trying to fake his way out of this. He couldn't lie for his life. 

“I guess Ryuu and I are in sorta a…disagreement?”

Right?

That was a speck of the full truth. Atsushi just didn’t have a clue over what. He had some theories but none of them added up. “He—I mean we, don’t seem to be on speaking terms either…” 

Tomo hummed, letting him know she was still listening as she set her basket down and let Atsushi’s full answer sit in the air for a moment. 

“I see, that's quite a predicament. Things like that never get easier to deal with no matter how long you know a person.” 

Atsushi blinked. “Wait, you and Dōshō-san fight too?”  

He couldn't wrap his head around that. They seemed so happy and content with each other all the time.  

“Aw, you’re so innocent sometimes. It’s endearing.” Akutagawa’s aunt reached up to ruffle his hair and Atsushi’s face heated up. He’s not used to the kindness Tomo kept showing him. “Couples fight all the time. And all relationships take work. Both the good and bad ones. Things aren't as easy as they appear in movies. If they were, things would be different.” 

His eyes widened. “What? You mean you and Dōshō-san would’ve never gotten married?!” Atsushi blurted out and if he was blushing beforehand—his face was full on red now. He covered his eyes with his hand. “Ack, I’m sorry, that was rude to say.”

Afraid of Tomo's judgment, he refused to remove his hand even when her feet shuffled on the floor. He lifted it with caution when Tomo stifled a laugh. 

“No, no silly, I meant how much easier things would be with other people,” Tomo explained, “It’s okay, no worries. Even the most carefree-looking couples dealt with at least one hard thing together to make it that way for themselves. A little conflict won’t kill a connection. Trust me, it took Dōshō years to understand that.” 

“What do you mean?” Atsushi dropped his hand and glanced over at Tomo, who decided to divert her attention to one of the hanging photographs on the wall. The one with both a young Gin and Akutagawa and their parents stood behind them. Tomo’s mouth quirked up into a small smile. 

“That’s a story for another time,” she began and rested her chin on her hand. “Believe it or not, sulking can make you grow fonder. It makes us realize things. The true question is whether it’s towards what you have just lost, or what you already have now. Just don’t harbor yourself in those feelings for too long or you might miss a good thing around you.” Tomo’s passive expression fell into a rueful one and Atsushi’s heart clenched. He was about to ask if she was okay when she clapped her hands together. “Okay, enough of that spiel! Shall we have chazuke for dinner? I heard from Ryuunosuke that it's your favorite.” Tomo winked and Atsushi pulled at the collar of his shirt.  

“Y—yeah, sure.”  

She leaned forward to pat his shoulder when the worry didn’t leave his face. “Seriously, give it some time sweetie. Some people just need it when we all have unique wants and needs. Communicate if they’re unaware and talk to him when you can.”  

Tomo was acting like the mother figured he never had, and he wanted to laugh or cry. He didn’t know. But he was grateful. “I’ll try.” 

Dinner food-wise was amazing. Dōshō paired a sweet soy sauce with the chazuke and topped the dish with umeboshi (pickled plums), one of his favorites. He and Akutagawa shared some grating small talk to keep the mirage of their engagement still believable, but it was tense progress. 

Akutagawa went to bed without a word but not before Atsushi felt his hand straying near the back of his chair, gracing his back. The action sent a tingling feeling through him. Although when Atsushi entered their bedroom later, Akutagawa was already buried underneath the duvet.  

Atsushi chewed on the inside of his mouth, unsure whether to say or do something else—anything—to stir a reaction but he knew better than to waste his time on someone he didn’t care about.

He’s probably asleep anyway. With a long sigh, Atsushi left the room.  

Luck was on his side and he managed to sleep in the guest room undetected after making sure he locked the door. Around midnight, he did hear Ume scurrying outside the doorway, and scratched her paw against it once. At first, Atsushi did nothing and stared up at the ceiling, analyzing how the moon created harsh outlines on the walls. He did not want to wake up the entire household again.  

He tossed and turned in bed for a few minutes, feeling restless and flicked his gaze over to the door again. Ume was still there. Atsushi rubbed his eyes and yawned. He got up to open the door a crack, snorting when Ume poked her nose in. He sauntered back to bed and patted the space next to him where Ume jumped up immediately. She attached herself to his side and chuffed out a contented huff. He petted her head. 

It’s a wonder how Ume did whatever it took to obtain things sometimes. His mouth twitched as he recalled last week when he was playing outside with her and she kept wanting to stay there no matter how many times he tried to bribe her with treats. Akutagawa of course leisured in the living room instead, alone with a book.  

Wherever, or whatever he did—Akutagawa did the opposite. It was a pattern for them. Such an annoyance now that Atsushi pondered more over it.

He pressed his face into the pillow to dispel the notion and stroked circles in Ume’s fur until exhaustion took him into a dreamless sleep.

Day 5: 

“Where’s Akutagawa?” 

“Oh! Jeez, Atsushi-san! I didn’t see you there.” Gin glanced up from her sheet music from where she was lounging on the living room couch, and he gave her an awkward wave. “I believe Akutagawa’s outside with Oba-san? Something related to the gardens, I think.” 

“Outside?” Atsushi leered out the back window and scoffed under his breath. Typical.  

“Something wrong, Atsushi-san?” 

Atsushi flushed at the realization Gin was staring at him and he held the back of his neck. “Ah—nothing really. It’s just…” His eyes flitted back to Akutagawa and gulped down a lump in his throat. “I can’t believe he’d rather be outside in the heat and bugs than his own fiancé, you know? He’s been...avoiding me for some reason.” 

“Damn, he’s an idiot.”  

“I—” Atsushi whipped his head towards Gin. Did she just say —Atsushi gawked at her. “Pardon?” She chuckled and smoothed out the blue dress she was wearing while she sat up to fully face Atsushi.  

“We may share the same blood but god, he’s a real pain in the side to converse with. He has so much knowledge from all the reading he does but can still be so senseless. Ryuunosuke…tends to get stuck in old habits. Ones that helped when we were younger, when stranded in the slums—but he can’t stay in them forever no matter how much he tries though.”  

Atsushi didn’t quite comprehend what Gin was telling him but he appreciated the reassurance Akutagawa’s attitude wasn’t an “only him problem”. 

“He’s definitely an idiot,” he agreed, and Gin nodded. 

“A really stubborn one.” 

“And unruly. Even though he barely talks!” 

“Like a rock with emotions.” 

“Yeah, exactly. You’re telling me.” 

Gin’s grin widened. “You two already sound like an actual married couple.” She placed a lock of hair behind her ear and shuffled her papers in a pile. “I’m not saying this because I’m his sister, but he does have a softhearted side underneath all those edgy layers. It takes some time to dig into his brooding exterior to find it.” 

Her words made Atsushi’s eyebrows raise. Now that thought about it, Atsushi wondered if Gin even knew the full extent of their deal with the fake engagement from the causal flare she had with him. She didn’t—never—seem indifferent with his presence here as an Armed Detective Agency member.

It has been over three weeks now? He understood Gin had some role based on Akutagawa's explanation when they met up at the cafe and then dragged him here under fake aliases and a ring on his finger. 

“Is there some sort of sibling-secrecy conspiring here and I’m not allowed to know about it?” Atsushi squinted when Gin didn’t answer right away. She stood up and began to walk towards the music room. 

“I’m sorry, I just can’t help you a lot with my brother because then it would be meddling and it’s his own choice...but I’m sure—and hope —he'll come around eventually. Try poking him with a stick if you must.” 

Yeah, and lose a limb as a result. That would be great.  

Regardless though, Atsushi really did try to find some comfort in Gin’s words. The question was if the result will happen before, or after the three months are up? He could only endure so much from the other’s silence. 

“Thanks, I appreciate it,” he said and ran his fingers through his hair. “I should go find your uncle. He wanted to continue with the greenhouse again before the rain returned.” 

“Okay! Good luck, Atsushi-san~ Feel free to talk to me again if you need it.” 

“You too, Gin-chan.”

Day 6: 

After another long and hot afternoon outside helping out Dōshō again, Atsushi was ready to drop and take a nap but not before he ventured upstairs with a cup of freshly-brewed tea in his hands. Careful not to splatter it, he took his sweet time walking up each step.  

His eyes fluttered closed to rest them as he reached their shared bedroom. When he opened them again he jolted, biting back a yelp before he knocked into Akutagawa, who happened to be leaving the room. The action frightened Akutagawa as well and both his notebook and pen clattered to the ground. 

“What the hell? Watch where you’re going, fool,” Akutagawa scolded, and Atsushi set the cup of tea on the ground beside them to assist in picking up his stuff. 

“S…so sorry! My bad, it has been a long day so I…” Atsushi’s voice trailed off when his eyes locked on the notebook, which fell open from the near-collision and he couldn't stop before his own mouth opened too because huh?

That said—  

“...Love?” Atsushi murmured aloud as he zoned in on the first word sprawled across the top of the page. Akutagawa snatched it fast, fastening it closed before Atsushi could read any further and he winced. A pool of shame spilled inside of him and bit his lip hard as he glanced away. Akutagawa glowered down at him. Atsushi shouldn’t have looked down and overstepped the other’s boundaries like that. 

“I—I’m sorry Akutagawa! I didn’t mean to—” 

“It’s nothing important. Forget about it," Akutagawa muttered and craned his neck to attempt and roll the tension out of his shoulders. “What the hell do you want, Jinko?” 

“What?” Atsushi furrowed his eyebrows. He rigged through his brain fast and remembered his actual goal here. “Oh! Uh…Well, here—” He picked up the teacup, which was one of Tomo’s fancy Chinese porcelain ones with a blue lotus flower design—“Gin told me you liked your tea like this so…it’s for you…green tea.” 

An agonized expression flashed on Akutagawa’s face when he inspected the cup and frowned. Atsushi’s mind was scattered. He wanted to wring his hands, but he couldn't due to obvious reasons. Why was Akutagawa so quiet? Akutagawa closed his eyes and Atsushi took that as a ‘no’. He began to babble out another spew of apologies for bothering him but froze when Akutagawa wordlessly held out his hand.  

Astonished Akutagawa even considered accepting the peace offering, it took a second for Atsushi to hand over the drink. Akutagawa sniffed it once and grey eyes flickered over Atsushi’s face with uncertainty while he took a small sip. Atsushi assumed it might be bad (because who put four sugar cubes in tea?). Although Akutagawa must’ve deemed it okay because following the exchange, he muttered a small ‘thanks’ and wandered back into their bedroom. He set the cup on the desk, along with himself in the chair but kept his notebook pressed close against his chest.  

Atsushi stared wide-eyed as Akutagawa slipped out some plain paper in the side drawer, preparing to write something again and he blinked twice to make sure he was awake.  

No way, that’s that?  

Not even a single comment on how he was practically stonewalled this past week? No explanation for his behavior? Nothing at all?  

Akutagawa narrowed his eyes at Atsushi, still lingering at the door. “What is it now?” 

Anger was an emotion Atsushi tended to keep underneath its wraps but with Akutagawa it’s always a damn challenge. Atsushi wanted to throw something. 

He waved his hands in front of Akutagawa like the answer was obvious. “I’d like it if you quit whatever act you’re playing right now!” which earned him a scoff and Akutagawa placed his pen back down to rub his temples. He twisted in his seat to give Atsushi a soured look. 

“Act?” Akutagawa laughed. He actually laughed. Except this wasn’t the way Atsushi wanted to hear it. It was degrading and sharp. Daring to slice through what little confidence Atsushi was holding on to within himself. “The whole thing is an act between us. What’s with this nonsense?” 

“Is this about Dazai-san?” Atsushi took a hesitant step over from the doorway towards the desk while Akutagawa ran a hand down his face. He heard the door shut with a faint click behind him. 

“God...for what reason—how did Dazai-san get brought up into this?” 

“Because...because I guess I’m confused, okay? Every time we fight it always gets linked back to him...somehow...I don’t know! Does asking even make a difference? I’m trying to figure you out! Why are you not talking to me? If I did something wrong, Akutagawa, please just—” 

His words were interrupted when Akutagawa’s foot knocked into one of the legs of the desk and the teacup fell over the edge, shattering everywhere. The noise echoed in Atsushi’s ears and left gaping at the sight of the broken porcelain until his attention was pulled towards the sound of the chair scraping against the wooden tiles.

Akutagawa got up, ignoring the glass and it made a sickening crunch underneath his uwabaki (A/N: indoor slipper/shoe). Atsushi fought to keep his shoulders square when Akutagawa came over to stand in front of him. His blood ran still when a familiar sneer overpowered the mafioso's face.  

He moved back but Akutagawa re-entered his personal space again. His face was close, and Atsushi could feel the fury simmering beneath Akutagawa's careful and controlled composure. 

“You think I wanted to choose you for this?” Akutagawa’s nostrils flared. “These three months aren’t ending fast enough. This whole thing means nothing to me, I’ll tell you that. ” 

“Bullshit. You asked me to do this! Aku—” 

“And you said ‘yes’!” Akutagawa threw his hands up. “I’m not here to be your friend. Stop acting like we are!” 

Gin’s words from the other day slapped Atsushi in the face: ‘he does have a softhearted side underneath all those edgy layers’.  

“Like hell he does...” Atsushi mumbled, and Akutagawa scrunched up his nose. 

“What did you say?” 

Akutagawa’s breathing began to stutter but at this point why should Atsushi care? He’s done nothing but attempt to care for the past week. They’re not friends. Akutagawa made that clear and Atsushi knew very well. He didn't want to admit that he knew. But that didn’t mean he would put up with this kind of behavior either. He was so tired of being tossed around like this.  

“I said, you’re an idiot! I’m here to help you! Not comply at your command and be treated like trash in the process. That’s not how it works! Rivals or not. We’re stuck having to pretend to like each other here because of you.” 

Akutagawa opened his mouth to freaking retaliate—because of course he had to get the last word in—when he suddenly heaved forward and began coughing into his fist. He leaned a hand over the desk to support himself and Atsushi hurried to lend a hand, but Akutagawa reeled away.  

“Oh god, are you o—” 

“Don’t you dare lay a finger on me,” Akutagawa rasped out and placed a hand on his chest. “I don’t need your empathy.” 

“You gotta be kidding me. This is not empathy! It’s your—” 

They both turned their heads towards the door when someone began knocking. 

“Boys, is everything okay in there?” Tomo’s voice cut in from the hallway. “We heard a loud bang from downstairs.” 

Akutagawa stole a look back at Atsushi, but Atsushi didn't dare to look back. He glared at the wall behind Akutagawa while his fists shook at his sides. He wouldn’t let himself cry. Not here. He refused to cry in front of Akutagawa. Akutagawa coughed again and turned back to the door. 

“...Yes, we’re fine, Oba-san. Atsushi saw a spider and got scared. That’s all.”  

Atsushi willed his voice not to shake as he stuttered out his own response. “Aku—I mean, Ryuu’s right! We…we’re okay, don’t worry about it, Tomo-san.” 

Some noise was heard on the other side of the door and Atsushi bit his tongue, fearing it would swing open any second now. Tomo’s shadow was still seen through cracks of the door where the yellowish lighting of the hallway slipped through. If Tomo walked in now, how would they explain what happened?  

Better yet, what caused this to happen?  

He thought things were improving with Akutagawa.  

The next few seconds dragged by like hours. Neither of them decided to move or dared to breathe louder than necessary although it looked to be a struggle for Akutagawa. 

“Ah—okay! Yell if you need anything!” Tomo finally said and Atsushi’s shoulders shook. Both stayed put until Tomo’s footsteps faded down the hallway and back downstairs.  

“This isn’t like you,” Atsushi whispered even though he knew they were alone again. Honestly, he wasn’t sure if he was simply saying that to make himself feel better. He risked a glimpse at Akutagawa while the man coughed once more, wiping his mouth with the sleeve of his jacket and peered over at him. 

“With all due respect, you don’t know what you’re talking about.” Akutagawa’s breathing seemed back to normal, and his expression darkened. “Jinko, we barely know each other. Just stay out of my way here when it’s not necessary.”  

Akutagawa turned away from Atsushi with an eye roll, making a point the conversation would not continue further and kneeled to clean up the glass. He hissed when a piece nipped his thumb.  

On instinct, Atsushi started to kneel down beside him. “Shit, that must’ve hurt. Do you need—” 

Akutagawa held up his good hand. “I’m fine! I thought I just told you to stop fussing over me! Stop, it’s pathetic.” A metallic taste filled his mouth when he tried to stop the bleeding. He huffed out through his nose and his mouth curled into a snarl when Atsushi choked out what sounded like a laugh.  

“What the hell is so funny in this situat—” Akutagawa sputtered but cut himself off when he caught Atsushi’s expression before he turned away. Those usual bright eyes of his clouded over with hurt; fatigue weighing him down.  

“Alright…” Atsushi's voice sounded so small, yet Akutagawa remained quiet as he watched Atsushi stumble to stand. “Alright,” Atsushi repeated. He shook his head, but a hunch told Akutagawa it wasn’t directed at him. A sense of mortality twisted in his chest and he reached out to Atsushi. 

“At—” 

Akutagawa flinched when Atsushi slammed his fists against the desk. “Just whatever, you asshole!” Atsushi spat out and turned on his heels quicker than Akutagawa could react. The doorframe rattled when the door slammed closed and Akutagawa stayed motionless on the ground, letting the aftermath of his actions sink in. 

He slumped against the wall, not having the energy to deal with the broken cup anymore and his face fell into his hands. Through his fingers he watched the rest of the tea seep through the cracks of the floors and spotted a dent where the impact occurred. 

What a truly horrible mess he made.

Day 7: 

Atsushi dreaded Akutagawa’s family might suspect them to break up soon but a part of him desired for the situation to play out. 

It might be a promising idea to end the whole charade now. He could pack his bags, forgetting the past weeks ever existed and return to his own dorm back in Yokohama.  

His actual home.  

Not Fukuoka.  

It never could be. No matter how much he pretended. He yearned with so much homesickness and with Akutagawa's own childish fit—over who knew what exactly still—made him feel more alone than before they arrived here together. 

Akutagawa doesn't even like him, and he doesn’t even like Akutagawa. The two of them couldn’t even talk things out without breaking into a full argument so how did spending any more time here actually solve anything? A civil conversation was out of range for both of them. 

What was the point of everything now?  

As foolish as Atsushi was ridiculous, the silly wish to be friends prevailed but it was no longer relevant. Any act of kindness he received from Akutagawa was merely because of their fake roles as a couple. It had to be. 

An inevitable pull of going back and despising each other.  

Like we always do, Atsushi repeated to himself.  

Trying to justify—convince himself—the two of them never had a chance to improve relations to begin with and it made him more miserable. 

Akutagawa might be right about him being a fool. 

It’s been a full week of fighting between whatever he can call his fake fiancé. Atsushi predicted something like this would happen. They had been at each other’s throats since they first met and any sense of trust depended on obligations to their own organizations. Fragmented relationships do not repair themselves overnight. Atsushi’s purpose here was simply a promise. 

Akutagawa's purpose…his own family.  

So, that proved he never truly belonged here. 

A child like you doesn’t fit anywhere, the headmaster’s voice commented along and Atsushi just wanted to bang his head against the wall. He needed a break. 

As Atsushi gathered his bearings, the actualization occurred he was venturing downstairs while ruminating over the past week and flinched, not expecting to lock eye contact with Akutagawa so soon.

He took in the sight of the kitchen from where he stood at the entrance. It felt like freezing water poured over him when Akutagawa sucked in his breath. Dark bags were apparent underneath the other’s eyes, even more evident than before at this distance and Atsushi tried not to grimace. 

“Uh—morning?” he greeted his partner instead. A small shred of hope maybe they would sort out the conflict between them. 

Akutagawa pursed his lips and glued his eyes back down to his notebook. Dejected, Atsushi leaned against the entryway and knew some offense was on his face but then again, he did leave in a rude manner last night so maybe he deserved the silence this time. Yet he had been trying to reach out all week. This was getting stupid. 

Still ignoring each other on the agenda. 

Until Gin came barging into the room, oblivious to the foul atmosphere and shook a flyer in the air, announcing the entire household was going to Fukuoka's annual Matsuri (Summer Festival) in Yanagawa. 

“It’s in a city town not too far from Yame! ‘The Venice of Kyushu’,” Gin swooned and held the poster in front of her brother’s face. (A/N: Fukuoka is the capital city of Kyushu, Japan and both Yame/Yanagawa are located in the Fukuoka Prefecture.)

“I’ll pass,” Akutagawa said and winced from the awkward grip he had with his pen as he tried to write in his notebook. He gave up after a moment and blindly reached for his usual morning drink, which was green tea—the bitter irony there—but Atsushi told himself he didn’t matter. He drew his attention back to Gin. 

“Y-yeah...me too. I’m sorry,” Atsushi answered as he rubbed his arm and made his way to the cabinets to grab the bowl of sugar cubes, “I’m not really feeling up for it either.”

Tomo mentioned she brewed some coffee earlier and he wanted to leave the room as fast as possible if Akutagawa was here. He did not want to argue first thing in the morning. 

While Atsushi went to pour himself the cup of coffee, he noticed a bandage wrapped around the finger Akutagawa injured last night. Huh, well that explained his shaky hold earlier. 

Gin crossed her arms and clicked her tongue at both of them. “You both are downers. Boo-hoo but nope! We’re all going to the festival whether you like it or not. It’s Oji-san’s wish since he hasn’t been to one in years.” 

“Gin, I understand that but I—” Akutagawa protested but whatever look Gin had on her face must’ve been something because it shut her brother up and he gritted his teeth, dropping his head. “Fine! What time are we going? But you will owe me.” 

Akutagawa’s sister did a little dance around the table and rushed over to wrap her arms around her brother’s shoulders. “Great, you’re the best!” Akutagawa shrugged her off with a scowl. “We’ll leave around four so we can beat the crowd.” 

Atsushi couldn't help but be amused a tiny bit from the sweet interaction between the siblings, but his mood collapsed thinking how he and Akutagawa had to be around each other tonight. In public. With the whole family. 

Just great.

Chapter Text

Content Warnings: THIS IS HEAVY ON CERTAIN TOPICS *please read with caution* since there are mentions/depictions of: death, contemplations of life, (brief) internalized homophobia, sickness & a panic attack within this chapter 

A/N: I tried not to make it overly graphic because I—myself—too get overwhelmed from situations like this a lot so as a huge heads up certain conversations may be triggering, or cause overall uncomfortable feelings if you're sensitive reading about these types of topics once again. Trust me, no one in the main plot line dies as well because we ain't doing chapter 88 again smh. This honestly will (maybe) be one of the darkest/most angst-heavy chapters the entire story will get so the ratings might change just in case;;

— To be more careful, when you see "***" that's where you can also feel free to skip the part(s) (where I feel may be too graphic or sensitive for certain audiences) and I will put ordered # summaries in the ending notes (Example: ***#1).

Thank you for reading!

"People need to be told they’re worthy of being alive by someone else or they can’t go on." ~ Nakajima Atsushi

The Reaper:

From Atsushi’s minimal knowledge of summer festivals, it was tradition to wear a kimono but regrettably he didn’t bring one—nor owned one for that matter. He had never been to such an occasion. The idea of attending a festival was far from his mind when packing for this trip. He didn't hear Akutagawa enter their room while he rummaged through his own luggage for something to wear and was startled when the dresser behind him slid open.

Atsushi turned around right as Akutagawa tossed a dark bundle straight at his face and thankfully right before it hit him. A squeak of surprise left him when he saw what he held. 

“Take it,” Akutagawa said and flicked his gaze to the closet door banging against the wall while Atsushi fumbled to stand up, waving his hands around. His face flushed a bright red and pulled at his t-shirt’s collar.

“That—this definitely isn’t necessary!” Atsushi wanted to give back the black happi coat but stiffened when Akutagawa glanced behind him and down at the clothes scattered inside the closet. “I—uh…I’ll be fine wearing a t-shirt!” Atsushi added and his face grew hot from not quite wanting to admit he didn’t own festival attire yet Akutagawa seemed to have figured that out. (A/N: Happi coats are shorter than a normal kimono & are worn as a traditional lightweight jacket during Japanese festivals.) 

Akutagawa tilted his head, not quite looking at him and swallowed.

“I don’t mind, Jinko.”

“What about you?”

He sighed. “I…have…another one.”

“Akutagawa—”

“It’s truly not a complication,” Akutagawa interjected and clenched his hands. “Take it, or leave it. We’ll be late from this useless squabble if we’re not dressed soon.”

Atsushi stared down at the coat in hands. He doesn’t understand Akutagawa at all. 

They still had to talk about what happened yesterday, Atsushi noted while Akutagawa deemed Atsushi wasn’t going to refuse the offer and began to get ready himself.

Yet he just didn’t know how…

~

Atsushi squinted at his blurry reflection in the bathroom mirror, trailing a hand down his cheek; the skin slightly dry from lack of care. He didn’t have to see clearly to know how drained he looked. His aching shoulders and headache explained enough. He dropped his head, wanting to just sink down to the floor and stay there the rest of night. Maybe sleep for a few months. He couldn't pinpoint if his exhaustion was from the past week only, or the daily intrusive thoughts flooding his head. 

Atsushi took a moment to close his eyes, leaning against the sink. Once he regained some mental strength back, he opened his eyes again. He took one last glance in the mirror before discarding his t-shirt and putting on a fresh white undershirt, refusing to look down at himself.

He slipped the happi coat on after tucking the shirt in and stared in the mirror while tying an obi belt around his waist. He flinched when his fingers grazed the lower left side of his abdomen.

“You’re okay,” he murmured to himself and tousled his hair a bit, easing away some of the pressure in his mind and insults of the headmaster threatening to resurface.

He’s okay.

Coughing from the other room drew Atsushi out of his thoughts and his whole body stilled, remembering where he stood. Atsushi exhaled and flicked his eyes back to the mirror to take in his full outfit. It was a good thing Akutagawa wasn’t that much taller than him. The coat fit snug around his shoulders and its fabric was almost as smooth as silk as he felt the corners of a sleeve. He also detected notes of other’s natural scent in the fabric too but couldn’t remember the name of the flower it reminded him of though.

Such an uncanny experience to be wearing his clothes.

Like this whole situation.

After he considered his appearance good enough, he peeked out the door to see Akutagawa sitting on the edge of the bed already dressed as well and glowering at a random corner of the room. He flinched when Atsushi turned off the bathroom light and coughed into his fist when he looked over. 

“You ready?” Akutagawa rasped out.

Atsushi shrugged. “As ever.” 

“Let’s get this over with, then.”

They found Gin waiting in the genkan when they reached downstairs and her expression brightened when she spotted them.

“Aww how sweet, you both match.” She grinned and Atsushi raised his eyebrows while Akutagawa pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Gin. Not now.”

She pouted and went over to her brother. “Why? It’s ador—”

“My god, don’t you dare finish that sentence.”

“Adorable. ”

“Gin!”

“Ryuunosuke—”

Well, he definitely did not notice they matched until now either, Atsushi thought as the siblings began to bicker and his eyes flitted between him and Akutagawa. Both happi coats did have the same bluish pattern embroidered on the sleeves and bottom yet Atsushi’s coat was mainly black and Akutagawa wore an off-white one. 

Wet and harsh coughs erupted the conversation and Atsushi looked back at the siblings. Akutagawa cover his mouth with his left hand to muffle the sound, bunching up the fabric of his white shirt when he placed his other hand on his chest.

“Are you feeling okay?” Gin asked to her brother with concern.

“Yes,” Akutagawa coughed once more before his hand fell back down to rest at his side but clenched it into a fist. “I’m…I’m fine.”

Gin’s expression fell. “Ryuu, is it—” she started but whatever expression her brother had made her stop mid-sentence. Her eyebrows cinched together and bit her lip, looking down at her white tabi-socks. 

Atsushi opened his mouth with many questions on the tip of his tongue but closed it because he didn’t feel like it was his place to ask. He debated with himself if he should question the strange sullen atmosphere between the siblings when all of sudden Akutagawa reached around him towards the coat rack.

His whole body tensed up and Akutagawa was surprisingly oblivious to the distance between them until Atsushi leaned away and grey eyes focused on the movement. A half-gasp, half-cough escaped from Akutagawa, along with a faint pink coloring his face.

He raised a hand to hide it and grabbed his longer-sleeved black jacket as he stepped away. “Well, anyways…you do look…lovely tonight, Gin,” Akutagawa said and Gin puffed out her cheeks, her mood lighting up again. She lightly hit her brother in the arm, who just rolled his eyes.

“Ahh thanks, just tonight? Such a gentleman you are, brother.” 

“The design is really…unique,” Atsushi observed with a hand underneath his chin. Her yukata was made out of light purple cotton with a variety of ajisai (hydrangea flowers) as the main pattern, paired with a white obi.

“I especially like…are those the cats with the flowers? It looks cute.”

“They are! Thank you, Atsushi-san! Oba-san actually found it and gave it to me for the occasion. It’s perfect.” Atsushi couldn’t help but smile when Gin giggled, twirling around to show more of the design but swiped his face clean when Akutagawa cleared his throat beside him; a rope of this odd energy snapping when they made eye contact, again. 

Whatever was brewing in the air in Fukuoka tonight, he absolutely did not like it. 

Akutagawa made a gesture towards the door. “Shall we?”

Atsushi nodded while Akutagawa fished for the car keys in his pocket. “Oh, right. Yeah. We better get going.” He reached for the door knob but stopped when Gin blocked the door with her hand. 

“Ah wait! Not so fast.”

“Why?” Akutagawa tried to not sound frustrated but his expression still looked dour.

“We’re all going together, remember? So we’re taking Oba-san’s car.”

“All of us? In one car? That’s absurd—”

“Your sister is right though,” Dōshō chimed in as he stepped into the genkan, twirling his car keys with his index finger and had a Sans Francisco keychain attached. His festival attire was a lot more plain than what the “couple” wore; wearing a light blue jinbei and beige pants. It made him look like a local of the area. A contrast of the western style shirts he usually wore.

Akutagawa straightened his shoulders when his aunt entered and Ume trailed behind them at their feet. He sighed.

“Oji-san, pardon my objections, it's just I thought A…Atsushi and I would travel separately. Oba-san’s car might be too cramped,” Akutagawa replied, not wanting to ruin his family’s arrangements yet battling to keep his temper cool with Atsushi tonight. Regret flooded through his system but bit his tongue on the matter. Now wasn’t the time.

“Family-bonding as your Oba-san likes to call it,” Dōshō said with a small grin and threw an arm around both Akutagawa and Atsushi, who both went rigid from the sudden contact. “You both look dashing tonight, along with Gin.” He glanced between Akutagawa and Atsushi for a moment when neither said a word.

Atsushi’s pulse raced when Dōshō quirked an eyebrow at them, waiting, but his gaze slid towards Tomo when she knelt down to pet Ume. The yukata she wore was a vibrant green with scattered white plum blossoms pattern embroidered into the cotton. 

Tomo shook her head with a smile, “Don’t worry about the space too, boys. Gotta save money on gas these days.” She laughed as she tucked a piece of stray hair behind her ear. “It’ll be just like when they were kids, Dōshō, piling into the back of Toshizō's old rundown pick-up truck when he did errands around town. We always tried to convince him to invest in a bigger one but he liked the authenticity.” Dōshō laughed too then and released the boys to put on his shoes near the doorway.

Puzzlement eroded Atsushi’s features. “Toshizō?” He tilted his head when Tomo and Dōshō looked over in surprised.

Did he say something wrong—

“Oh? Ryuunosuke and Gin’s father?” Tomo said although as more of a question of clarification when confusion flashed across her face.

Oh. Now that makes sense.

That was a huge mistake to say. 

What kind of fiancé doesn’t know the name of his partner’s own father?

“Er…well, yes—” Atsushi rushed out and looked at Akutagawa for some help. Calling themselves awkward by how they acted around each other right now must be understatement in the eyes of others. 

“Ah, that’s right.” Akutagawa shuffled closer to Atsushi but he didn’t take his hand. He turned back to his aunt and uncle. “I usually addressed father as Niihara, his family name,” he explained, looking back at Atsushi with an odd emotion clouding his eyes. “Gin and I have always used our mother’s, which is…Akutagawa. I must’ve never clarified that before so that’s why Atsushi was unsure who you were talking about, Oba-san and Oji-san.” 

Learning this information caused contradicting feelings for Atsushi. It wasn’t right for Akutagawa—or well, both of them lying to his family like this but he nodded anyway, subconsciously leaning towards Akutagawa too. He stopped when he felt the fabric of his coat brush against his arm and his face flushed. He raised a hand to clear his throat. Way too close.

“I…I see,” Atsushi chuckled. “You always had a bad habit of under-explaining things, dear.” He feigned a wide smile to top it off and felt a prickle of satisfaction when he was replied with an irritated grimace Akutagawa would give him during joint missions. He’s already dug himself six feet underground by agreeing to come here with Akutagawa; what’s there to lose now?

Regardless, this whole situation was bizarre to keep up with.

Of course, Akutagawa was facing away from his aunt and uncle so they didn’t see the annoyance on his face but Atsushi spotted Gin watching them in the corner of his eye. Akutagawa scoffed underneath his breath. “Likewise, you m—”

Gin stepped in between them and Akutagawa’s eyes widened momentarily, dissipating the building tension. She waved her hand in a nonchalant manner. “Now, now save the couple bickering for later. You hopeless fools. We got a festival to head to! Are you ready, Oji-san and Oba-san?”

Tomo stood up and grabbed her bag hanging on the coat rack. “Yes! Of course, let’s go before the traffic starts to pick up.” 

With the huge relief of Gin figuring out things were still strained between him and Akutagawa, she gladly took the middle seat without a word when they piled into the back of Tomo’s hatchback.

Atsushi would rather take his chances hitting his head against the window of the car than being squished against Akutagawa in such a tight space for the drive. Gin’s presence once again saved his life. He’ll have to give her a proper thank you soon.

After everyone settled in the car, the group started the route out of Yame and towards Yanagawa. Rolling hills of tea plantations spread out for miles and miles. Their swaying leaves clustered together so tightly it looked like a sea of green surrounding both sides of the road.

Atsushi was mindlessly staring out the left window for a while until he spotted a large body of water that never seemed to end as they drove. Dōshō explained it was the Okinohata river and flowed all the way towards Yanagawa too although it was technically the Chikugo River that fed into all the canals there. The entire area was known as the City of Water; penned by how many miles of water existed throughout the city.

“Nine hundred and thirty kilometers of waterways! It’s always amazed me how intrinsic Japan’s waterways are,” Dōshō exclaimed and looked through the rearview mirror to spare a glance at Akutagawa. “Just like where you and Gin both grew up too.”

Akutagawa shifted in his seat suddenly then, accidentally hitting his elbow on the window and winced as he replied to his uncle.

“We don’t need to discuss that now, Oji-san.”

“Ah, right.” Dōshō smiled at him, almost apologetically, and turned back to the road. “Another day perhaps.”

The conversation ended there and they continued the drive in a somewhat comfortable silence. The sun was still high at its peak, flickering every so often. Every time it made Akutagawa frown, deepening each time the light rays blinded him. The sunlight on his face emphasized how pale he really was and Atsushi took notice on how uncomfortable Akutagawa looked.

Atsushi assumed it was because of how cramped backseats were since he pressed himself to his side of the car as far as he could even though Gin was right next to him. Gin paid neither of them mind the entire time though, simply chattering away with Tomo now about a recent book they both heard about. Something popular in the literature world seemed; involving conflict about a prideful and overly prejudiced main couple but he didn’t feel like listening in on the conversation. Their voices dropped out as he delved deeper into his thoughts. 

The group arrived shortly after, thankfully, with no disputes breaking out and Atsushi discovered they were near where Kobito's was located when he spotted the quaint-looking souvenir shop from before across the street. The one with the neon blue sign, decorated with flowery sensu and the rainbow wasaga. He glanced over at Akutagawa, who was just exiting the car to see if he recognized the area too but his expression was blank and uninterested.

“The torri here reminds me so much of the bridge back at home in San Francisco~” Tomo mused and blocked off Dōshō with her purse when he began to venture off towards a vendor selling potted bonsai and plant supplies. “Hey! We promised not to work today.”

Dōshō pouted and weakly pointed at the plants. “But honey—”

“No ‘honey ’ this.” Tomo gave her husband a stern look and leaned her head on his shoulder as she hooked her arms around his. “We can browse later, let’s just spend time here for now with the kids.”

“Whatever you say,” Dōshō grinned when Tomo looked up at him with a fond smile of her own. It was like they were in their own little world as they gazed at each other in the middle of the street although the trance broke when Gin made a pretend gagging noise and threw her arms in the air.

“Okay, we get it! You two are too good for each other, let’s get going or the festival will simply go on without you lovebirds,” Gin said and playfully narrowed her eyes when her uncle chuckled.

“Gin’s right. If you’re not the one for me, then who is?” Tomo teased and laughed too from Gin’s faux embarrassment on how cheesy their aunt and uncle were in public. “We should plan a trip for you all to visit us in the states eventually. I bet you would love the city there.”

A ghost of a smile was seen on Akutagawa’s lips as he watched his family but tensed up when he spotted Atsushi looking at him in the corner of his eye. Akutagawa tried to pay no mind, ignoring the guilt manifesting inside of him.

As the group turned on the corner of the main street, they were greeted with a line-up of a variety of food stalls and tents surrounded by a dozen yellow-tinted red light fixtures. The smell of grilled meat and seasonal vegetables mixed with the sweetness of wagashi stands wafted throughout the evening night’s air. Atsushi wrinkled his nose when the smell of ginger hit him as they passed a couple eating yakisoba. 

Somehow amidst the frenzy swarming crowds and lively atmosphere of the festival, Akutagawa and Atsushi found themselves holding hands. Quite honestly, Atsushi was too dissociated to remember who grabbed who’s hand first, but if he had to assume, it was Akutagawa. To save their reputation as a couple somewhat. A grimace quivered on his lips as he tried not to let the opinions of others crawl underneath his skin and his grip tightened on Akutagawa’s hand in an uncomfortable manner.

If Tomo or Dōshō caught on to their standoffish interactions, they didn’t comment on it. They barely spoke a word to each other the past week unless needed. The remainder of time at vendors went on as smoothly as possible as everyone wandered farther down the town’s streets full of festivities and eventually, the Akutagawa family and Atsushi found themselves at the entrance of the Furo shrine.

It was near the Yanagawa castle moat sluice and overlooked one of the canal pathways with some flower bushes surrounding the premises. Gin let out a shriek of excitement, causing Atsushi and Akutagawa to glance over. 

“Look at the Tanabata trees! They’re so pretty!” Gin grabbed Akutagawa’s wrist and enthusiastically dragged him over to the Tanabata wishing trees made up of bamboo and Akutagawa loosened his grip on Atsushi’s hand. 

It may have been a figment of Atsushi’s imagination but Akutagawa lingered for a split second, almost like he was resisting to let go but his hand fully slipped out of Atsushi’s and his hand fell back down to his side. He smiled regardless as he watched the siblings make their way over to a wooden table with what appeared to be small boxes filled with colored paper and writing utensils.

Atsushi remembered reading a book from Kunikida about this tradition. Each slip of coloured tanzaku paper was a wish yet to be granted. Each color also had a special meaning behind it too. Blue was trees, red was fire, white was money, yellow was soil, and black was water. He found it fascinating how much history was told through these kinds of events.

“Here, make a wish,” Tomo said to him and she handed Atsushi an ink pen. He smiled again, genuinely, quietly thanking Akutagawa’s aunt and took in the full sight of all the wishes left by many strangers before him, dangling across the bamboo branches.

While everyone picked out a piece of paper, Atsushi’s attention trailed over towards the end of the street where the strum of a familiar melody drifted through the crowd. It was a song he heard before but he couldn’t pinpoint exactly where. Maybe Kyouka played it on her phone before? The street musician was next to a vendor selling paper flowers and Atsushi fixated on the soothing chords. A distant yet safe feeling bursted inside his chest as he listened. It made him wish he was at the festival under different circumstances. If only things were different…

Atsushi swerved his head when he heard Gin burst out laughing and latched onto Akutagawa’s right arm.

“So, will you tell me what your wish is?” she asked sweetly, batting her eyelashes in an over-exaggerating manner and Akutagawa shook his head with a small huff. He finished tying his blue paper to the tree and turned to his sister. 

"Not a chance, Gin," Akutagawa replied back and decided to not scold her for her clinginess. While he adored her dearly, the smothering was bothersome at times. He could let Gin have her ways for a little while. She's his only sister after all.

Atsushi’s mouth quirked up briefly at the comedic side of the siblings although panic began to override his system when he realized all the Akutagawas finished writing down their Tanabata and were already preparing to head back onto the Main Street. He quickly picked up a slip of black paper while pretending to not notice how Akutagawa peeked over to watch him sprawled his Tanabata wish down and fastened it on the bamboo branch, alongside the other’s wishes. 

Although the sun wasn’t ready to set for another few hours, the faint outline of the moon was able to be seen in the sky now, half hidden with the white clouds. A third quarter now, only half visible to the human eye. Atsushi stood there placid for a minute. He wanted to relish in the moment and take a mental snapshot for keepsakes although stiffened when he tore his eyes away from the blending colors and was met with an intimidating look from Akutagawa.

Atsushi tugged at the collar of his undershirt and averted his attention to flower ornaments hung on a door from the other side of the street. 

He’s like a shark.  

Quiet. Quick-witted. And deadly, ready to attack when needed. 

They may be in public with his family but Atsushi couldn't afford to bring his guard down and immerse himself in the carefree mood many people around themselves had. The strange and frustrating horrors of Akutagawa’s behavior was a lot more stressful than when he was murderous (in Atsushi’s opinion). This situation was less predictable.

In the back of his mind he remembered the promise of them not fighting here, which obviously went down the drain...yet there's nothing much they could do now. The damage was done and hard to say if there was a way to mend it.

As the night dragged on, the Akutagawa family and Atsushi made their way back to the beginning of the shopping district again after exploring most of the festival’s events. After some debate on what to do next, Gin made the executive decision to let Atsushi and Akutagawa go off and “do their own thing” while she tagged along with Tomo and Dōshō back to the plant vendor they passed by before. 

Akutagawa clearly wanted to leave but he gave his aunt and uncle a tight smile, allowing his family to enjoy the rest of the evening and gestured to Atsushi to follow as they split off in different directions.

They didn't hold hands once it was just the two of them. Things even more awkward with no watchful eyes of Akutagawa's family and they walked along the sidewalk of the shops with a lot of distance between them.

“Do you hear that?” Akutagawa shifted around, his eyes darting around the area like he sensed someone nearby was spying on them.

Atsushi only heard other pedestrians loitering the streets for the city’s festivities but he perked up at the sound of trickling water in the distance. 

“Oh! You mean the water canals nearby?”

“No, it sounded like—” Akutagawa stopped mid-sentence and pinched the bridge of his nose. “You know what, never mind. It’s nothing. Probably the wind.” He wrinkled his nose when he caught a whiff of gasoline lingering nearby too, most likely from one of the cooking vendors and felt a cough caught in his throat.

“Okay…” Atsushi squinted as he observed Akutagawa rubbing his eyes. His movements were more sluggish than normal as he trudged slowly beside him, which Akutagawa scolded Atsushi multiple times before when he didn’t react fast enough during missions but Atsushi wasn’t the type of person to do the same thing back.

“Did you want to check out the boats over there?'' Atsushi asked instead and pointed towards the docks where boatmen were offering rides to row down the waterways. Dōshō wasn't kidding about how far the canals flowed throughout the city as he watched the sun reflect over the water. Maybe sitting down for a while and sightseeing the area would be a good opportunity to rest.

It was another feeble attempt to make the best of the night. He side-eyed the other and Akutagawa’s face paled at the question. 

He muttered out, “No, thanks.” And prompted to walk even faster down the street, creating an even more awkward atmosphere between them. Atsushi noisily breathed out through his nose, bewildered by Akutagawa’s reaction and jogged up to catch up with the other. 

The night cooled down immensely since they arrived with plenty of daylight still left in the sky. It was unusual to be this cold near the waterways since it was the middle of summer after all. Atsushi took notice of cherry trees leading up to the water canals and even though their iconic blush-colored petals fell long ago back in the spring season, the beauty of the sight wasn't anything less. Their leaves were currently a vibrant green.

Being outside freely like this was a rarity for Atsushi so he’ll try to appreciate the fresh air he’s allowed to breathe for as long as possible. He snapped out of his daze when he heard people passing nearby laughing and he also realized something else.

He was walking alone now.

Where’s Akutagawa?

His shoes scraped against the concrete as he slowed down to a full halt when he didn’t sense the other’s presence and scanned the area.

He thought he was right beside him?

“Aku—” The rest of the name died on the tip of his tongue when Atsushi looked behind him and the familiar sound of coughing filled his ears. He felt himself rush forwards before he comprehended what was happening and stretched his hand out. “Akutagawa!” Atsushi kneeled down beside Akutagawa who was half-fallen on the ground, clutching at his chest. “H-hey, what’s wrong, Akutagawa?!”

***#1

Akutagawa exhibited no response except for more harsh and wet coughs leaving his mouth as he struggled to form a coherent answer.

“Akutagawa, do we need to take you to a doctor?” 

“No!” Akutagawa managed to spit out while his body trembled and another bout of coughs racked through his thin frame. “Shit, I—”Another cough— “Dammit, I...we can’t go to a...a doctor, J-jinko. We can’t go to a f…c...king doctor, you lousy fool.”

Atsushi's gaze flicked towards a nearby crowd starting to form with many giving them worried looks. More panic manifested inside Atsushi when Rashōmon began to ripple at the edges of Akutagawa's jacket, signaling even Akutagawa was losing control of the situation. Thin coils of white slithered across his pale skin.

Damnit. They can’t be seen in public like this. Especially with the police strolling this part of the city. They needed to get out of sight from the crowd if he had any chance of getting through to Akutagawa. 

"Akutagawa?" The man in question blinked at him. His grey eyes unfocused and glazed over. They locked eye contact for a brief moment before Akutagawa dropped his head again; bunching up the fabric of his shirt in a tight first. His knuckles turning white. "What can I do to help you?"

Atsushi knew he technically shouldn’t touch him while in such a shaken-up state but they couldn’t stay here either. After a quick inspection of their surroundings, he spotted a pathway not too far away ahead that was semi-concealed by willow trees and bamboo.

Shock jolted through Akutagawa's body when Atsushi placed his hand on his shoulder and Atsushi had to lean back before almost being swatted by the back of Akutagawa's hand as an attempt to push him away.

“Get off!” Akutagawa wheezed and clutched his chest before lurching forward as yet another harsh wet cough forced itself from his lips. “Don’t touch me!”

"I'm sorry, you have to let me this time!" Atsushi resisted snapping at him. "I...I'm trying to help you," Atsushi mumbled while he grabbed Akutagawa's arm to pull him up. He slung Akutagawa around himself the best he could to lean him on his shoulder and grunted from the new weight, nearly tipping over but thankfully Akutagawa wasn't too heavy. He needed a moment to readjust his hold.

Once they were out of the public’s eye, Atsushi began to pace the area, wringing his hands as he scrambled to decide on what to do next. He didn’t know what else to do. He never knew how to handle himself sometimes when things got bad, how could he handle another person?

Oh wait—Gin.

She had to know something.

Atsushi cursed when he reached into his pant’s pocket and realized he must’ve forgotten his phone back at the house. With no choice, he kneeled back down next to Akutagawa and placed a hand on his shoulder again. 

“Where’s your phone?” Atsushi asked and Akutagawa simply clamped his mouth shut. “It’s in your pocket, isn’t it?” Akutagawa glared even harder and Atsushi shot one of his own back.

Dear god, how does he end up in these situations dealing with an uncooperative man like him?

Nevertheless, Atsushi leaned forward again, ignoring Akutagawa’s resistance and mentally berating himself for forgetting his own cell phone when an emergency like this happened! Although it’s not like this type of situation was predictable in the first place. He finally grabbed hold of Akutagawa’s cell phone from his jacket and it almost slipped out of his hand a few times. Atsushi moved back before Akutagawa’s hand met his face again, gritting his teeth. 

Before Atsushi could focus on the phone’s screen, Akutagawa emitted a loud inhale and it quickly turned into convulsive pants, prompting another round of violent coughing. Somehow he was coherent enough to scowl directly at Atsushi through all of it.  He was unable to stop his hands from shaking as he unlocked Akutagawa’s phone, surprised there wasn’t a passcode on it. He gripped Akutagawa’s phone as tight as he could while it dialed. The sound ringing loud in his ears and his surroundings began to sway back and forth.

Click.

“Hello? Ryuu?” Gin’s voice crackled from the cell phone and Atsushi sighed, putting a hand on his forehead.

“Gin-chan, something’s wrong.”

“Huh? Atsushi-san, is that you?”

“Yeah, it’s about Aku—I mean, Ryuunosuke!” It still felt foreign to call Akutagawa that. “I had to use his phone. He’s having trouble breathing right now and I don’t…I don't know what's happening!” There was no response on the other end for a moment until he heard Gin mutter underneath her breath.

“Oh god…that idiot.”

“What? Gin—”

“Atsushi-san, listen to me,” she interrupted and Atsushi picked up hints of apprehension in her otherwise stern tone. “I’m not quite sure if you’re informed about this but Ryuunosuke...you see, he uhm...suffers from bad asthma attacks quite often.”

“He does? Since when? Shouldn’t he have an inhaler or something?”

“Yes, he should always have it on him but knowing Ryuu he doesn’t. He rarely listens to the doctors, along with his treatments. Not many people know, honestly—uh wait, one second. What was that, Oba-san? Yes, it’s Atsushi-san, hold on—” Atsushi waited impatiently as he strained to understand the muffled conversation between Gin, Tomo and Dōshō. “Okay, I’m sorry about that, Atsushi-san.” Gin's voice was loud and clear again and Atsushi heard Tomo urging Dōshō to hurry up about something in the background. “Just stay where you are, we’ll be right there! What street are you on?”

Atsushi ran his fingers through his hair as he rattled off the name of the last street intersection he remembered passing and described the location the best he could. Gin instructed them again to stay put and keep Akutagawa calm the best he could. She hung up the phone and Atsushi listened to the sound of the dead line momentarily before turning back to Akutagawa.

“Jinko,” Akutagawa rasped out, his voice grating while he struggled to catch his breath and grabbed Atsushi’s wrist when he reached down to attempt to keep him still.

“Akutagawa, you have to stop talking right now. Just, breathe. Breath for me, okay?”

“Why…I don’t…under…st—”

“You’re safe. Gin and your family will be here soon.”

“But, w…why…d...” Why are you helping me?

Akutagawa's vision began to darken and he tried to read Atsushi’s expression through the blur of the world surrounding him. His lungs burned. His clothes were sticking uncomfortably to his skin. And so many thoughts spiraling in his brain yet all he could focus on were those stupid honey-stained purple eyes looking down at him with a rare sincerity he despised so much.

“Atsushi…”

"I'm right here. It's alright," Atsushi whispered, (or at least Akutagawa believed he did) as everything felt so far away in the moment. Exhaustion was taking over his senses and Akutagawa fought hard to keep his eyes open as he vaguely felt the light touch of fingertips brushing some hair out of his eyes, which stuck to the sweat on his forehead. "You're safe."

You’re safe. 

Akutagawa wanted to laugh at that. How could he in such a cruel world he lived in? 

Yet, those were the last words Akutagawa heard before everything turned into a void of nothing and the world around him stopped.

~

The lamp wasn’t on as streaks of warm orange light snuck in through the blinds, illuminating Akutagawa’s form underneath the covers of the bed within their shared bedroom. His black hair was splayed across the pillow, and the white tips would’ve blended in if it wasn’t for the orange glow from the setting sun. 

Akutagawa hasn't woken up since they made it back to the house, dipping in and out of conscious the past few hours. Atsushi sat on the ground beside him, watching the steady rise and fall of Akutagawa's chest; slow but breathing and alive.

A mask was currently fastened over Akutagawa's face and hooked up to a small machine humming softly on the nightstand, filling his lungs with medication, which Gin explained to Atsushi earlier was called a nebulizer. One of the main treatments that helped his weakened immune system and alleviated most of his major symptoms. The device turned the liquid medicine into a mist, allowing Akutagawa to breathe easier. Each time he exhaled, the mask would fog up slightly.

It was a weird observation but Atsushi sorta found it fascinating that he never saw such a serene expression on Akutagawa's face before. His forehead now smooth and free of any tension as he slept in front of him. Also noticing how long his eyelashes were too.

Atsushi shuffled closer to get a better look, curious. Their noses mere centimeters apart and he started to wonder about the origin of the other’s white highlights in his hair when grey eyes blinked open.

“Holy sh—” Atsushi flung himself backwards and his right elbow banged into the closet’s door. “Ah—! Ouch…” He rubbed his arm, shifting his attention to Akutagawa as he sat up in the bed, pulling off the respiratory mask.

“What the hell were you doing?” Akutagawa managed out as he took in a breath of real air and tossed the mask on the nightstand.

“I—you…I was just making sure you were still breathing!”

“Regrettably.”

“Akutagawa, don’t talk like that,” Atsushi snapped and cut him off as Akutagawa opened his mouth to refute, “Don’t, please, don’t. I don’t want to hear it.”

“Shut up, Jinko. You’re not my mother.”

“This isn’t just about me! Your entire family’s worried sick about you, you know?” Atsushi rubbed the back of his neck to try and relieve some of the tension he felt all over. “And I should go tell them you’re awake now. Just go back to sle—”

“Wait, stop!” Akutagawa barked out and raised a hand to clear his throat. “Don’t get them. I don’t need them to see me like this.” 

Atsushi narrowed his eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me you had asthma, then?”

“It’s occupational asthma, ” Akutagawa clarified and coughed into his hand, wincing from how hoarse his voice was. “I was perfectly fine until recently. I take enough precautions at work to deal with such matters so you had no reason to know.”

“I believe it quite was! Considering you passed out in the middle of the festival and could’ve been dying for all I knew!”

“Well, I didn’t. And I’m alright now, aren’t I?” Akutagawa argued back and Atsushi wanted to pull his hair out by how nonchalant the other was making the situation.

“You’re damn lucky we didn’t have to take you to a hospital.”

“Correct. There was no need.” Akutagawa paused to cross his arms, only to uncross them right away and patted the space around him on the bed, then his arms and chest. His eyes widened in alarm. “It was just a small flare up for God-sakes and—where…my coat? Where’s my coat?!” 

“Relax, it’s right here.” Atsushi grabbed it from where he hung it on the dresser earlier and handed it out to Akutagawa. He fought back a sigh when Akutagawa snatched it back without a word. “You know, sometimes certain pain is only an option, Akutagawa.” Atsushi sat down on the bed, placing his hand on the duvet but he made sure not to touch Akutagawa, still tense as ever with his “shield” back over his shoulders. “You don’t have to keep all your burdens to yourself. I know you don’t want to talk to me but…I just want to know what happened.” 

They needed to talk about a lot of things but Akutagawa still decided to seal his lips; refusing to not respond. He narrowed his eyes at Atsushi like he was talking nonsense.

“I’ll take my leave then,” Atsushi muttered as he stood up and made his way towards the bedroom door.

“I was there,” Akutagawa voiced out just as Atsushi’s hand reached the door knob and he froze on the spot.

***#2

“...What do you mean?” he asked slowly.

Atsushi didn't turn around to face the other yet. A fragile quietness engulfed the room while Atsushi held his breath and waited. He heard the sheets ruffling behind him as Akutagawa detangled himself from layers of blankets he cocooned himself in.

“Remember, how I mentioned my parents…how they died in a car accident?”

Atsushi nodded at Akutagawa's words, unsure how to respond to such a statement. He could feel Akutagawa’s stare burning the back of his head.

"Well, I was there," Akutagawa repeated and that prompted Atsushi to finally turn around. "I was there when my parents were killed...Gin and I both were. It was the year I turned ten. Just before March, snow still covered some parts of the road. As you heard from my uncle, we grew up in the Kyōbashi, Tokyo district and occasionally, we took family trips to the Imperial Palace gardens that weren't too far from the house. The entire city of Tokyo is actually built on top of water so of course, there are so many rivers and canals in the area. I used to love watching ripples of water create patterns, especially during rainstorms as a kid. Like a spider creating a web on water...but it's wasn't the same anymore...after the accident."

Akutagawa locked eyes with Atsushi momentarily before he covered his face with his arm and fell back against the headboard. After some wavering, Atsushi walked back to the bed while Akutagawa continued talking.

“While we were driving along a bridge one night, an explosion came out of nowhere on the right—no, the left side of the car, I believe. Our father lost control of the vehicle after the front window shattered from debris flying everywhere and the car just…skidded over the edge; falling straight into one of the moats surrounding the gardens.” Akutagawa paused to gauge Atsushi’s reaction. Many questions seemed to be on the tip of his tongue but he urged Akutagawa to elaborate further. He took in a shaky breath and stared at the clock on the dresser.

“Bōryokudan. The explosion was caused by a Bōryokudan group. A variation of some Yakuza organization, and later I found out the Port Mafia completely wiped them out before I joined as well, unfortunately.” That earned him a click of the tongue from Atsushi because he knew what he was thinking there. Even at a young age, vengeance bled into his veins from the misfortunes of his life.

"You think once you get hit with most of the impact it should be complete silence," Akutagawa paused, "but of course, water began trickling into the car. Slow, at first. My first thought was 'if we hurry enough, we'll be okay. We'll survive'. It's only a little...only a little w-water. It wasn't deep enough yet at that point to do harm to us. Something in my mother's expression said otherwise." 

The way Akutagawa's voice cracked made Atsushi want to reach out but he continued to stay still, listening to Akutagawa’s words.

"My father was struck unconscious and I remember all the blood dripping down the side of his jaw. I also don't truly know if he was...alive in that moment. Gin was in shock beside me and it wasn't until our mother placed her hand on my shoulder that it clicked she was instructing me to get out of the car. Somehow I understood she wasn't going to leave with us. Not unless she knew our father was okay. She couldn't leave him behind. And contrary to most rumors, it was uhm—the first night I managed to manipulate Rashōmon."

“It was?” Atsushi blinked in surprise at the revelation. 

Akutagawa nodded and bit his lip. "I actually wasn't aware I had an ability until my mother told me. It was strange...feeling the unnatural warmth and strength of the power in my fingertips. The water was about at our ankles at this point too and the seat buckles were quickly unfastened for me and Gin by our mother. She urged us to get out before it got too high. Rashōmon...doesn't work correctly in water, which my mother must've known, somehow. I learned the hard way during a Port Mafia assignment a few years ago, but I just wish I knew about my ability before that night. Who knew how much that could've changed things."

Ah, so that's why he refused to go on the boats back at festival, Atsushi realized. His attention drew back to Akutagawa when he chuckled and Atsushi stiffened. Atsushi didn't know what to do as he watched the burning turmoil in his eyes.

"I didn't want to die," Akuatagawa said, "but I also didn't want to live either. I needed an escape from the wretched society that took my parents. Gin and I couldn't go to the police because they would've never believed two kids. We most likely would've been separated with no other family living in the country at the time too. Dealing with mafia groups was not a crossfire the police liked dealing with either, so we just ran—living in the slums...on our own until Dazai-san found us. I presume you can figure out the rest. I just...don't know what I'm doing now..." Akutagawa trailed off and swallowed. "Death never scares me...yet what happens after does. I always wondered that. What happened with my parents..."

Akutagawa didn’t add anything else although Atsushi had a general idea of what he could’ve said. What exactly did happen afterwards is a mystery none could decipher unless they experienced it themselves.

Was it similar to being trapped in an endless box of blackness, or something like being “trapped” in the golden era of one’s own life.

He never really gave it thought either.

Atsushi always strived to appreciate the present and escape the hell he experienced back at the orphanage, which reeked of demise within the closed off walls. The trapped feeling lingered on him. No matter how much he washed his clothes and scrubbed his skin raw with a cheap brand of soap he used since he was a kid. His memories were too muddled together to really decipher anything from his childhood. He slowly raised his eyes back to Akutagawa, who was now halfway turned away from him, lost in his head again.

“Neither of us know what the hell we're doing, Akutagawa, believe me. We’re all human trying to figure out how to live.”

“Me? Human?” Akutagawa scoffed with a dubious expression. “You truly lost it, Jinko. I’m just a broken vessel who takes lives.”

“No. No, you’re not. You don’t need a fixer. Please, stop talking like this.” Atsushi shook his head and Akutagawa had to look away from the way Atsushi looked at him. Not with pity—but worry. It made him uneasy.

Like another’s concern would burn down his entire facade of strength he held on to for so long if he did. 

Akutagawa would never say it out loud, but he was a weak man. So weak, and so broken to the point there were fragments of himself that could never be fixed back to who he was in the past. That's why he dedicated himself to focus only on the future. At least that way he had a chance to forget who he was. Go through each day without remorse for what haunted him and stained his hands. "Everything is just so...suffocating."

“That’s what I meant when I said you don’t deserve to suffer either, Akutagawa.”

“Why?” Akutagawa let his shoulders sag back against the backboard of the bed again. “All this death. The lives I took. Ji—” He sucked in a breath and looked the other in the eyes. “Atsushi, you should know this better than anyone. I’m a hypocrite. How do I have the right to mourn for my own family if I take the lives of other families?”

Atsushi glanced down at his hands, not sure what to say to that.

“When I punched you,” Atsushi started, “back on the freight ship when the Port Mafia had that 7 billion yen bounty on me…did that...cause you…to remember some things? Relive what happened that day?”

Akutagawa furrowed his eyebrows, confused at the sudden change of topic. He gave Atsushi a strained smirk though. “Honestly, I think I black-outed before I hit the water.“ Atsushi winced and turned his head away. “When I woke up,” Akutagawa added, “the nightmares were more frequent. My coat was still a little damp when Higuchi returned it to me. I...I couldn’t stop shaking for a while.”

“I’m sorry,” Atsushi whispered, squeezing his eyes shut but Akutagawa didn’t hear him.

“What did you say?”

Atsushi's knuckles were almost an ash white from how tight he gripped the quilt. The other reached out to place his hand on his forearm and Atsushi jumped from the touch but Akutagawa didn’t move his hand away. 

"Jinko?" No answer. Akutagawa swayed Atsushi back and forth. "Jinko," he repeated again; an edge above a whisper in a stern tone. "Jinko, look at me." And he did but soon casted his eyes down at his hands again. Akutagawa huffed, an uneasy emotion twisting in his chest when Atsushi's mouth began quivering.

What Akutagawa did next was something he’d come to question a lot in the future.

He didn’t know what compelled him to do it. Maybe he couldn’t stand Atsushi berating himself like this—or maybe it was because of how tired he was. He could blame it on his delirious state later, but Akutagawa circled his arms around Atsushi and held him tighter when Atsushi attempted to squirm away.

“W...what are you doing—”

“Shhh, shut up for a second,” Akutagawa said and stroked circles in his back, which made him shudder from the foreign action. It felt wrong to be comforting him—yet it felt so right in the moment. His mother used to do this with him as a child. Especially on those nights he’d wake up in terror from the demons that haunted his dreams. He rested his chin on the crook of Atsushi’s neck as he pulled him closer, breathing in his scent.

“Akutagawa,” Atsushi whined and Akutagawa relented but didn’t fully let go, he just leaned back to just look him.

“It’s okay, truly, about what happened. What happened in the past is nonsense. It’s not like I’m an innocent person here either. I…I know I didn’t say this yet but, I deeply apologize for how I treated you this past week. It wasn’t right of me at all and…I’ll try to make it up to you.” 

“I appreciate your apology.” The face of the dead man who scarred Atsushi’s life resurfaced in his mind and pulled away to look Akutagawa in the eye again, sighing as he ran a hand through his hair. “I admit, it really did upset me but I think I understand better why you acted the way you did. It means a lot to just talk with you now. I’ve also been through crueler moments...at certain times.” Atsushi’s hand hovered over his abdomen—where his own scars forever discolored his skin. He understood now that Akutagawa had his own reasons for his standoffish behavior even if it’s not officially justified. “You were a kid too.” Too young. “You can’t blame yourself for not knowing things back then. For being who you are now either.”

“Well, then neither can you.” Akutagawa held his wrist, caving in on himself a smidge. “I’m not so young anymore. No need to treat me like I’m some pure and fragile flower.” He’s an insignificant particle of dust in this vast universe. A smudge on a blank canvas. He doesn’t deserve any of this. Especially empathy from someone he almost killed a dozen times before.

“But still, you idiot.” Atsushi swatted him in the arm. “I can’t believe you’re the one who needed the most comforting and here you are comforting me now. I’m horrible.”

“Then, I’m even more horrible, you fool,” Akutagawa retorted and chewed the inside of his cheek. Talking about feelings was never a strong suit and needed to shift the conversation from such a heavy topic away before he suffocated from this uneasy feeling flooding his head but his shoulders did feel a bit lighter now.

Akutagawa put on the most fake exasperated face he could muster and added, “Now, quit your blubbering. Let’s just call it even and claim we’re both dreadful human-beings together. You’re bringing the whole mood in this damn room down. Chuuya-san isn’t even this bad when he’s drunk on wine. And he’s a walking hazard sign.”

“That wine we tried before was horrible. I don’t understand how he drinks a whole bottle.” Atsushi made a face at the memory and Akutagawa stifled what might’ve been a huff of laughter. Familiar warmth spread in Akutagawa’s sore chest when Atsushi smiled. It was small, yet at least his eyes weren’t so hollow-looking anymore. “We all have our own problems we hide from the world. It takes a lot of courage to talk about it.” Atsushi's gaze became unfocused when his voice dropped softer. “I can’t imagine how hard it's been keeping that to yourself. So thanks, for telling me.” 

Trusting him with knowing the truth. A wound repressed inside so deep; even time may not be able to heal it.

“We’re…partners...aren’t we? Of course, I’ll speak to you about this.”

Atsushi looked back over to him and let out a dry laugh. 

Sure, say that now after the hellfire he pulled the past week.

Although Atsushi didn’t voice out this part, he knew Akutagawa understood by the way his intense stare softened and the corner of his mouth twitch ever so slightly. Relief settled in his bones, sensing the tension left the room. A lot of things still needed to be ‘said’ to make things right, but progression was never easy for either of them to confront. “What a beautiful mess we make,” he chuckled and adjusted his position on the bed. “Although, rest assured…” Atsushi tapped Akutagawa’s nose. “I will get my revenge on you.” Akutagawa blinked owlishly and glanced away, the room feeling hot.

“What was that for?”

“Huh? What?”

Akutagawa turned back. “You know.”

“No, I don’t. Wait? Do you mean—” Amusement glinted in Atsushi’s eyes as he moved closer to tap the other’s nose again and a smile played on Atsushi’s lips when Akutagawa scrunched his nose like a cat—“You meant that?”

“Yes, exactly. Stop doing that!”

“Affection?”

“Don’t call it that—”

“Teasing?”

“Taunting,” Akutagawa corrected and covered a grimace with his hand. “Your sleep-deprived state is a menace.”

“Ah, you’re right though. It’s getting late.” Akutagawa dropped his hand when Atsushi began to scoot farther away, shivering from the cold air surrounding him again. “And you—I mean, we need rest.”

“Wait!” Akutagawa clasped his hand around Atsushi’s wrist, releasing him when Atsushi shot him a quizzical look. “Where are you going?”

“The guest room? You need some time to rest.”

“I…no, I mean yes, but don’t go. Stay. You can stay here.” 

Atsushi eyed the rolled up futon next to the dresser. “Stay where?”

“Right here.” 

“Why?”

“I...appreciated it—about when you helped me.” He coughed into his hand, desiring to hide his burning face in Atsushi’s shirt. “Stay with me tonight.”

“Are you…sure?”

“P-please.” Tears didn’t come but Atsushi could sense the weight of years worth bottled up inside when his voice cracked. “Come here.” Purple-gold eyes softened at the words.

Without needing to voice it out, Atsushi got off the bed when Akutagawa shifted more to his left and allowed Atsushi to slip underneath the duvet beside him.  

They laid there facing each other for a moment, taking in the sight of each other’s eyes until Atsushi placed his hand behind Akutagawa’s head. There was brief hesitation but Atsushi pulled him against his chest when Akutagawa didn’t seem against it and held him just like earlier. Atsushi sighed into his hair.

It was the most relaxed Akutagawa ever felt in his whole life.

Surprisingly, it was a pleasant feeling. Being so close to someone else. He regretted how stifling and airless the past week played out yet now was like a summer’s day again back when they danced together. This time felt like he stood underneath a clear blue sky and at the sea with the warmth crashing over him and taking him under. The waters were soothing and took him farther into a state of tranquility. Their heartbeats almost in sync with each other. 

“T…Thank you,” Akutagawa breathed out and the warmth fanned against Atsushi’s neck, sending tingles down to his toes.

“Of course, Akutagawa.”

“You’re allowed to call me by my name.”

“Alright then, Ryuunosuke. ”

~

Outside when the sun fully sank down in the horizon, Akutagawa laid wide awake staring at the white indents on the ceiling within the darkness of the room. He wondered how they got themselves in such a position in the private space of their so-called “shared” bedroom. For once, tangled into each other’s arms and not at one another. He also didn’t fall asleep right away, contrary to what Atsushi believed, who continued to snore softly against his side and Akutagawa huffed. 

In amusement—or annoyance? He doesn’t quite know himself, focusing on the sound of each other's breathing instead of overthinking.

“Oi, Jinko.” Akutagawa bit his lip to stop himself from laughing when Atsushi peeked one eye open and an overwhelming unknown emotion running through him.

“Yeah, Ryuu?” 

Akutagawa shuddered from Atsushi being so close yet couldn’t muster enough motivation to pull away like he usually would. Instead, he shifted to rest his elbow on the pillow so he could look at Atsushi better.

“I was thinking—” 

“Oh, you were?” Atsushi said with a hint of sarcasm and Akutagawa rolled his eyes.

“About what you said earlier.” Akutagawa cleared his throat. “I don’t think that’s true.”

“Huh, what about?”

“You being a ‘horrible person’. I know you’re definitely not. You’re a good person. It’s one of the reasons I hate you, you know.” Akutagawa glanced at the clock on top of the dresser while he waited for Atsushi’s response.

“And you tell me sleep deprivation makes me too sappy,” Atsushi yawned out and moved to snuggle up against Akutagawa more, enjoying the comfort of heat radiating between them.“ Glad to know we’re both on the same page and still hate each other.” Akutagawa stiffened from the motion yet willed himself to relax and rested his head in the crook of Atsushi’s shoulder. 

“Shut up, Jinko.” His voice muffled as he talked into Atsushi’s shirt to hide his face. “You’re the sappiest person here, even maple trees would be jealous. I’m trying to be nice here.”

Atsushi chuckled and Akutagawa didn't even have to look to know he had that stupid loopy-grin on his face. “You know, sometimes I can’t tell if you’re more like an off-brand Romeo or Hades with this strange temperament of yours.”

“...Hades?” Akutagawa ignored the ‘Romeo’ part, not quite having the energy to decipher the meaning behind that. He did not see the similarities between him and that idiotic character at all, who couldn’t take a moment to think and see the difference between a fake death and a real one. Emotions truly made him and everyone else in the plot dense. Such imbeciles. 

“Yeah!” Atsushi exclaimed, drawing Akutagawa’s attention back and Atsushi sat up to wave his hands around. “You know, because he’s the dark and brooding mysterious God of the Underworld and all, plus he—” Atsushi words suddenly died off and Akutagawa watched as his face flushed a bright crimson. Those sunset eyes averted to the right side of Akutagawa’s head when he tried to make contact. 

“He—what?”

“He…did nothing.” Atsushi fiddled with his hands now settled on his lap and a high-pitched laugh escaped him. 

Akutagawa wrinkled his nose. “Jinko, I swear to God just spit it out or I’ll—”

“Alright, fine! I was just going to er…mention how he also kidnapped his love—I mean, Persephone! You know, the Goddess of Spring…or maybe it was Agriculture…but anyways, yeah, he took her to his realm and practically forced her there too. Kinda ironic how similar it is to our situation.”

“How many times must I repeat, you were not forced here,” Akutagawa scoffed, not intending to sound harsh but hopefully it hid the odd emotion leaking into his tone as he felt his face heat up. “And last time I recalled, Persephone eventually did grow to like the Underworld. Are you implying you enjoy Fukuoka?” He raised an eyebrow and watched as Atsushi’s eyes widened, only to avert them again as he answered the question. 

“Well…I suppose. The good company is sorta lacking but I do like sightseeing.”

“Hmm, tolerable answer. I can say the same.”

“Is that a confession you still hate my guts but I make a great travel partner, huh?” Atsushi teased and Akutagawa was tempted to throw a pillow at his face.

“Shut it, you fool. You clearly need rest. I can’t take this sappy side of you.”

“Alright, alright. I am.” Atsushi laid back down, pulling the covers up to his chin and mumbled under his breath, “You kinda make for Thanatos, the God of Death too.”

“My god, you’re intolerable. Go to sleep, or I’ll kill you.”

“But you're a mafioso, it’s true!”

“What was that?”

“Nothing! Goodnight!” 

Akutagawa spat out something else in response but his voice drowned out as Atsushi’s exhaustion took over and faded the room into a calm state of blackness. He smiled, thinking how that might've been their first conversation where he chipped a part of Akutagawa’s cold exterior and they weren’t mad at each other anymore.

It alluded to a thin veil of what Akutagawa might call peace between them. Something he could not envision in such a wretched life he lived until now. Although guilt still clung on to him. Not even the warmth in his chest from the other’s closeness took that pain away. He messed up so much in the past week and maybe that’s what compelled him to murmur something long overdue from an arrogant man like himself.

“I am...truly sorry, Jin—” His breath caught in his throat—“Atsushi.” 

For everything I’ve ever done to you. 

Akutagawa’s eyes fluttered closed and allowed himself to inevitably enter a hell he never even dreamed of existing as he was lulled into a deep sleep. The one where he might have so easily, and so horribly fell straight into the abyss of:

Akutagawa Ryuunosuke may have fallen...in love.

Chapter Text

Shin Soukoku just makes me <3 <3

A handful of song references are included in this chapter and while I still have a YT playlist, I created a Spotify one now with more songs! You can find it here and listen to the music that inspire this work a lot + included in the AU itself.

Clair De Lune 

Your soul is a chosen landscape  

bewitched by masquers and bergamaskers,  

playing the lute and dancing and almost  

sad beneath their fanciful disguises.  

 

Singing as they go in a minor key  

of conquering love and life’s favours,  

they do not seem to believe in their fortune  

and their song mingles with the light of the moon,  

 

The calm light of the moon, sad and fair,  

that sets the birds dreaming in the trees  

and the fountains sobbing in their rapture,  

tall and svelte amid marble statues.  

 

~ A Poem by Paul Verlaine in 1869 

Heaven In He ll :

“Come on, you slowpoke!”   

“Gin,” the young boy complained, “slow down!” His geta shoes clacked methodically on the concrete pathway as he dashed through a field of azalea flowers. The sun was scorching above them while the boy and his little sister ran through the Imperial Palace East Gardens . A brief thought of how the flowers weren't wilting crossed the boy’s mind.   

He gritted his teeth when Gin briefly looked back and stuck out her tongue before darting farther up the bendy path and disappearing fully out of the boy’s sight. The boy was about to run even faster when a stern but gentle voice behind him called out.  

“Ryuunosuke!”  

The boy skidded to a stop and peered over his shoulder. He placed a hand on his chest as he swallowed down a deep breath of air. He was still panting heavily when the owner of the voice eventually caught up to him, which just so happened to be within a grove of plum blossom trees. The partial shade provided huge relief on the boy’s pale skin and he wiped some sweat off his forehead.  

“Ryuunosuke,” the woman repeated and placed a hand on her hip.   

“...Yes, mom?” the boy said with hesitation and repressed a cough as Fuku Akutagawa-Niihara looked down at him.   

Ryuunosuke expected a lecture (which he’d become accustomed to a lot these days due to his unsteady health) but before his mother could speak, his gaze flickered towards movement behind her.  

“Dear, just let the kids have fun today.” His father, Toshizō Niihara, walked over to stand beside Fuku and tipped down his kasa hat towards Ryuunosuke. He bit his lip to suppress a grin when he winked too. “It’s May fifth, after all. And the last day of Golden Week.” 

(A/N: Children's Day (子供の日, Kodomo no hi) is a public holiday in Japan which takes place annually on May 5 and is the final celebration in Golden Week. It is a day set aside to respect children's personalities and to celebrate their happiness; aka Atsushi's birthday too! ;D)  

His mother’s expression softened at her husband’s words. She gave him a look though and kneeled in front of Ryuunosuke.   

“Fine,” his mother agreed, and reached out to fix her son’s collared shirt. “Just be careful, okay?”   

Ryuunosuke huffed but nodded anyway, wrinkling his nose when she patted his cheek gently.  

His mother smiled, brushing some dirt off her pink sundress as she stood. Her long black hair was pulled back into a loose bun that day, displaying the distinctive white highlights that were usually hidden from the public’s eye—unlike Ryuunosuke’s haircut. He blew his side bangs out of his eyes and started to venture off again where Gin went.  

Thankfully, the Imperial Palace was usually less crowded in the Ninomaru lower gardens and didn’t need to worry about others, at least, for now. The family treasured their privacy and here it was one of the few outside spots the Akutagawa family spent their time together when time allowed it.  

“Ryuunosuke!” His father called out this time and looked back at his parents again.  

“Yes?” the boy answered.   

“Take care of your sister.”  

Ryuunosuke jolted at the words. The tone of his father’s voice was surprisingly somber.  

“A-always,” he stuttered out, confused as to why he was at a loss for words. The heat of the day dissipated around him, and he shivered. “I…I always will. I promise.”  

Rustling on his left caused the young boy to jump. His eyes widened as a small white kitten revealed itself from the bushes and pounced onto the path. Time stood still as peculiar yellow and purple eyes blinked up at him. The strange little creature meowed, and Ryuunosuke reached down to pet it, but his movement startled the kitten and scurried off another path in Gin’s direction.  

His father softly chuckled at the subtle frown on his face and waved at him, signaling Ryuunosuke can go off and play now.  

Ryuunosuke waited for a moment though. He watched as his parents smiled once more at him. A hunch told him it would the end of something if he looked away too soon.  

His mother murmured in his father’s ear, causing his grin to broaden and hooked her arms around his as they both exited the grove. They walked towards one of the wisteria pathways nearby. A heavy feeling ached inside of his chest, and he opened his mouth to call out to his parents when Gin shouted somewhere up ahead.  

“Hey, Ryuu! Where’d you go?”  

Ryuunosuke whipped his head back towards the azaleas. The red ones were the most vibrant then. He took a hesitant step forward before looking behind him again.  

But when he turned around, his parents were already gone.   

Like pollen lost in the wind .  

~  

Atsushi startled awake from the pressure on his chest. He groaned when his head spun from sitting up too fast.  

The dizziness passed seconds later but it didn’t take long for him to register two things:  

1. The scent of coffee brewing downstairs.  
2. He wasn’t in the guest bedroom.  

He looked over to his right and froze—half-shocked, and half-confused—to see a familiar face with white tipped bangs beside him. A cascade of thoughts about last night coursed through Atsushi’s brain and resisted grabbing a pillow to hide from…whatever was happening.  

“What the heck.” He flinched when something fell on his lap. His face burned when he realized it was Akutagawa’s arm that must’ve been draped over top of him earlier. He didn’t recall falling asleep like that and it was a miracle he wasn’t thrown off the bed in the middle of the night by Rashōmon.  

Atsushi held his breath—as if breathing too loud would wake up the other—and gently placed Akutagawa’s arm off him, scooting to the far corner of the bed. He managed to detangle himself from the other’s grasps, but his nerves heightened when Akutagawa began to stir.  

He’d be damned if he lost a limb this far into their time here in Fukuoka. Yet Atsushi couldn’t hold back a snort from the sight of Akutagawa hugging the spare pillow next to him instead of waking up.   

He shifted the blankets off himself and took a step towards the door when the faintest sound caused him to freeze.  

“Wait,” Akutagawa murmured, and Atsushi’s eyes shifted back just as Akutagawa shivered, “don’t go.”  

His hands tightened around the white sheets, threatening to completely pull them off the mattress.  

Atsushi crept closer and hovered over the other. His face flushed slightly as to how creepy this may look if anyone barged in here although Akutagawa appeared to be held down by a heavy dream-like state.   

Thank God, he’s still asleep.   

Atsushi wasn’t quite ready to have a conversation this early in the morning and needed some time to think.   

Yet the urge to just stand here and take in the moment was strong enough to risk being caught by the sleeping mafioso.  

Atsushi swallowed down his apprehension as the back of his hand graced Akutagawa's skin, smoothing the crease between his eyebrows until he relaxed from the touch. He paused when a glint of light reflected within his vision and made a slight ‘o’ shape when he discovered it was the platinum ring on Akutagawa’s hand.   

I completely forgot we still wore these, Atsushi thought while glancing at his own ring.

Almost scared—or rather, ensuring this moment was real and the ring on his finger wasn’t going to disintegrate into stardust underneath the morning light streaming through the curtains.  

Atsushi let his hand drop back down to his side before deciding to pull the duvet over Akutagawa more.  

Not tucking him in more of course, the guy just disliked the cold.  

Atsushi would rather have Akutagawa in a pleasant mood instead of a sour one whenever he woke up. His gaze shifted to the nebulizer device on the side table and the idea of maybe Akutagawa needed another treatment soon wandered into his mind too. 

That was the only reason he cared about his well-being right now. 

Completely.  

Atsushi shook his head to dispel any more unwanted thoughts and exited the room where Ume greeted him as soon as he got downstairs. He patted her on the head with a chuckle as she tried to jump up and lick his face. Atsushi followed her as she trotted into the kitchen where Tomo was humming to herself softly while watering some of the potted plants on the windowsill.  

“Good morning,” Atsushi greeted Tomo and she acknowledged him with a tired but bright smile. He returned with one of his own. 

Atsushi had hoped Tomo got some rest ever since yesterday. He knew they were up until the early hours making sure Akutagawa’s medicine was working properly. The look of apprehension on the Akutagawa family’s expressions when Akutagawa didn’t wake up at once lingered. 

He gingerly took a seat at the table where colored pencils and measuring tools were scattered atop some blueprints. “What are you drawing?”  

Some of the details were lost and muddled into puddles of hues due to his poor eyesight but he could make out some of the bolder outlines.  

“Just been sketching some ideas!” Tomo placed the last plant back in its spot before grabbing an empty mug from the cabinet. Atsushi observed as Ume perked up from the noises but considered it uninteresting when Tomo poured coffee into it. She yawned and then decided to settle herself near Atsushi’s feet underneath the table.  

He was looking over the drawings again while Tomo sat down across from him and slid the coffee cup over. “It’s a Japanese-style garden,” she said. 

“Is it for your work?”  

“Sorta. Although Dōshō and I have the summer off, we love brainstorming designs to possibly pitch to architecture foundations or companies.”  

“It looks interesting.”  

Tomo pointed to a blue section on the page. “Right here, is a small waterfall that connects to the stream that travels around the area until it reaches the koi fishpond as the focal point in the center; braced with some bamboo to outline the stone pathways.”  

“What’s all the color surrounding it?”   

“Flowers! I was thinking of yellow or orange kiku (chrysanthemums), purple shobu (Japanese irises), red tsubaki (Japanese camellias), white azaleas, and of course, some ume (peach blossom) trees. Whatever fits the season we would hypothetically plant everything in.”   

“That sounds lovely, Tomo-san!”  

Tomo began explaining how much of her inspiration came from botanical gardens in her travels in the states and Atsushi found it sweet how her voice grew bubbly the more she described her designs. 

It reminded him of Kyouka and her obsession with rabbits—or Dazai with his…usual shenanigans. 

He wondered if it was possible to have a garden like this in the future—wherever he ended up. As of right now he knew it wasn’t possible to have such a vast garden at the apartment complex he lived in now with Kyouka and the others.  

“Proportion is key in landscape,” Tomo added and took a sip of her coffee. “Designs should always have the right amount of tradition to the culture you take inspiration from, and a touch of uniqueness to keep things special. Japanese gardens tend to not have too many flowers and focus on evergreens for simplicity, but I always prefer a little bit more color to my designs.”  

“Your flower choices remind me of a sunset—or sunrise maybe.”  

“Ah, you’re right! I see that now.” Tomo made a circular motion with her pointer finger on the paper. “Perhaps I can redraw the plot plan so the color of the flowers cascade like a setting sun.”  

“With the azaleas in the center?” Atsushi murmured more to himself as he pictured the garden and stiffened when he realized he said that aloud. “I mean—”  

“That’s a wonderful idea,” Tomo exclaimed and set aside the current blueprints to take out a new sheet of paper. “Thank you, Atsushi. I appreciate your input on it. Have you ever thought of pursuing landscaping or architecture? You seem to be quite inventive, and Dōshō tells me how well the progress on the greenhouse is going with you.”  

Atsushi scratched the bottom of chin. “Thank you, Tomo-san, really, I’m…flattered by your words. And to be honest, I don’t know.”   

After being kicked out of the orphanage at eighteen and then hastily being hired at the Armed Detective Agency to keep himself and others safe from his tiger ability, it seemed like his own life’s path was already set in stone.  

He never considered having a choice to change careers and figure out what he liked to do. His mind blank.  

“I can’t draw,” Atsushi admitted and tried to conjure up some other interests he had.  

He liked cooking?   

Maybe trying to stay afloat and keep Yokohama safe from enemy organizations could count as another.  

Tomo waved her hand. “Nonsense! You don’t need to be a renowned artist to be a great architect. It’s the ability on how you convey your thoughts and the process to create the idea that counts.”  

“I can...understand that.”  

“It must be exciting to work at the Publishing House with Ryuunosuke! Now that I think about it, you work with a bunch of authors.”  

Atsushi huffed out a faint laugh. “Oh, definitely.”  

He snuck a peek at the ring on his left hand to remind himself of his current situation. Before Atsushi could process a better response, Tomo shifted the topic.  

“Speaking of Ryuunosuke, how are you feeling, sweetie?”  

Atsushi snapped his eyes back to Tomo. “Shouldn’t you be asking Ryuu that?”  

“Ah, well, it’s usually not just the only one who is physically injured that is affected by a situation. It must’ve been frightening to be on your own at that moment at the festival. Don’t worry, I’ll check in on him again once he wakes up.”  

Atsushi was cautious about how much he could reveal to Tomo. The weight of the stressful past week lightened immensely since last night from the conversation he and Akutagawa shared, although he couldn’t bring himself to explain the full reason to Akutagawa’s aunt.  

“Alright, I suppose,” Atsushi decided to say, “The whole thing was a blur to me but more importantly, I’m glad he’s okay.”  

He finally took a sip of his drink and smiled a little when the bitter sweetness hit his tongue.  

It had three sugars in it.  

Even though it’s been over a month, it was still odd to discuss your not-real fiancé like they’re a couple. Atsushi’s pulse picked up when Akutagawa’s aunt hummed in response, picking up a ruler.  

“How’s your eyes, then?”  

Atsushi instinctively touched his face. “My eyes?”  

“Yes, silly,” Tomo laughed but there was no judgment. “I recall you still need a pair of glasses.”  

“Ah, right.” He forgot he’s still the semi-blind one here.  

“Like we mentioned before, we can always take you into town—”  

“That’s really not necessary, Tomo-san!”  

Ack, he spoke too loudly.  

Atsushi’s face prickled with heat as Tomo tilted her head, waiting for him to continue.  

“I—er…already talked to my doctor.” He certainly did not. “Whenever I get a chance when we return to Yokohama, I’ll get checked out. I promise. You already do so much for us by staying here for the summer and thank you for your generosity.”  

“Oh, that’s great news!” Tomo replied and Atsushi felt tension leave his shoulders when she went back to sketching. “Although, seriously my dear, there’s no reason to thank us. We treasure you being here and getting to meet the one that Ryuunosuke also did too, so we just want the best for you both.”  

Even though it’s under a ruse, the dreadful voice in his mind said although Atsushi shook his head to dismiss it.  

“We also,” Atsushi began, pulling at the collar of his t-shirt, “we finally talked last night. About that disagreement we had.”  

"I'm happy to hear that.” Tomo reached out and patted the top of his hand. “It’s just like we talked about, a little conflict won’t kill a connection.”   

Atsushi nodded while Tomo gave him a stern look. “Although, never confuse conflict with mistreatment,” she added, “if Ryuunosuke ever does anything to you, you better tell me. I’ll give that young man a lesson.”  

He tried not to grimace from all the encounters he experienced and seen of Rashōmon for not so gentle things. His leg suddenly had a flash of ghost pain. 

“We’re okay right now! Seriously! No need to worry about us.”   

Tomo giggled. “I’m just teasing. You and Ryuunosuke are a great fit for each other, truly. We’re glad to have met you, and that you have him. Never feel like you can’t talk to us if something ever does arise. We are family, after all.”  

From Tomo’s words an overwhelming emotion crashed down on him and his face turned to blink back tears. He’s truly still not used to receiving so much genuine support from others and still learning to accept he does deserve it.  

“Tomo-san—”  

Atsushi flinched from a sudden crash from down the hall, followed by a loud whoosh of papers falling to the ground. He locked eye contact with Tomo before she shifted her attention back to the hallway. 

“Gin, is that you? Are you alright?” Tomo called out.  

The sound seemed to be from the direction towards the music room.  

“Uh, yep it is!” Gin shouted back. “I—hmph—I’m okay!” 

Atsushi winced when he heard another bang. This time it sounded like metal clanging to the ground. Tomo prepared to stand up, but Atsushi waved a hand.  

“Ah, wait! You’re busy working right now. I can go check on Gin-chan.”  

“You sure?”  

“Not a problem.” He flashed a quick smile and set off down the hallway, thankful to have an excuse to escape the topic of conversation.  

As much as he enjoyed Tomo’s company, his head got dizzy whenever the false reality of him being a part of the family was mentioned. It was both heartwarming and terrifying. They were strangers over a month ago and now Akutagawa’s family treats him like he knew them for years. 

Guilt gnawed at his stomach from the fake marriage, although there’s still two months left, he must get through, so he’ll do his best to enjoy the remaining time here. It would only make everything harder if he didn’t. 

Plus, he hoped Tomo and Dōshō wouldn’t think ill of him once the act was over.  

Only time could tell after the summer. 

He sucked in a deep breath before opening the ajar door to the music room and saw Gin amidst a tornado of papers on the ground. 

She flinched when the floorboard creaked beneath Atsushi’s feet.  

“Sorry! I didn’t mean to spook you,” He picked up the fallen music stand near the door and began gathering the papers scattered nearby. “Tomo-san is busy at the moment and wanted me to check up on you…” 

Gin tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. “No worries, Atsushi-san! I didn’t notice you entered.” 

“Have a lot on your mind?”  

“Just a little bit,” she admitted and gave a soft smile when Atsushi handed her the bundle. “Thank you.” 

“Of course.” 

“I was so focused on trying to memorize this song with my eyes closed that I didn’t realize I was moving to the melody and accidentally collided into the shelf, and then the stand fell over.” 

While they stood up Atsushi glanced around and finally got a good look at the room. It was the smallest one in the whole house and never had a reason to enter because Gin usually occupied her time here. 

Sorta like Akutagawa with their bedroom, he mused and bit his lip to stop himself from smiling. 

The siblings were sure to be similar with their hermit-like social skills. 

Parallel to the doorway was one large window where the sun currently sneaked through the blinds and unlike the other rooms, the walls appeared to be created out of panels—most likely for better acoustics. On his right were framed records of some bands (above the shelf Gin mentioned) in an unfamiliar language to him, on his left was— 

“Woah.”  

Atsushi didn’t know there was a piano in here either. 

It was a black upright piano faded with age, although what caught his eye the most was the hand-painted Japanese paintings on the casing. Gold paint depicted Mount Fuji in the center surrounded by foliage accented with white highlights, and along the sides were red chrysanthemums. It stood out strikingly against the dark wood. 

Atsushi blinked when Gin stepped in front of him and focused on her hand waving in front of his face. 

“You, okay?”

“Yeah! I am…uh just…uhm…haven’t got to fully see this room yet, actually...” Over Gin’s shoulder he spotted her violin sitting in its case on the floor. “You must be busy! Don’t mind me. I’ll check this out later—” 

“Atsushi-san,” she interrupted, and Atsushi clamped his mouth shut. “You’re always welcome here.” Gin headed over to the piano’s bench and patted the seat, motioning to sit. 

Atsushi wavered back towards the hallways but then again, he didn’t really have a plan to go anywhere else. And he felt bad to leave from the earnest look on Gin’s face. With a deep breath, he trudged his way over. 

“How’s Ryuunosuke doing?” she asked while Atsushi sat down on the edge of the bench. 

“He’s still asleep. Upstairs in our room, but he's doing better. He obviously had a rough night.” 

“Oh, good! He almost never sleeps when he’s sick. I sometimes think he’s like a vampire or something.” 

He sure dressed like one, Atsushi silently agreed. 

The man was quite fond of the color black and white frills. He just needed a cape now to top off the whole fit. 

Atsushi watched as Gin organized some of the fallen music on top of the piano. Up close he saw a few white keys were even chipped. He faintly traced a finger over one with letter markings, curious how much use it had been through. 

“I…” Atsushi cleared his throat when Gin looked over. “I actually didn’t get a chance to thank you, Gin-chan, for your help yesterday. Especially for convincing your aunt and uncle that Ryuu should stay at the house and not at the hospital. I wouldn’t have known what to do without you.” 

Gin didn’t respond right away. Her dark and intense eyes stared at him like she could see right through him, and Atsushi fought to not shrink in on himself. The silence caused his nervousness to increase by ten folds. 

“He would’ve done the same thing,” she finally said, and Atsushi nodded. “He’s always taking care of me.” 

Atsushi smiled, glad Akutagawa had Gin as a supportive sister. 

“May I call you by your first name only like Ryuunosuke does too?” Gin also asked, “I feel like we can drop the formalities by now.” 

Atsushi gave her a bewildered look. “Uh, sure. If you say so.” 

“Wonderful, Atsushi!” Gin grinned and walked over to grab her violin. She ran a finger across the four strings and the notes rang out within the small space, but she fiddled with the tuning pegs a tiny bit before nodding in satisfaction. She then pulled out the violin bow to adjust its tightness. 

“Uhm, what are you practicing?” 

“A piece called ‘The Girl With the Flaxen Hair '! I discovered it during a mission abroad with an old mentor and was simply moved by it. The whole piece is so ethereal.” 

“I would love to hear it,” Atsushi smiled.  

“Of course! I dabble in some piano too although Ryuu is way better than me. The bass clef confuses me too much!” 

Atsushi’s eyes widened. “He plays piano?” 

Gin stared at him. “What. He didn’t tell you?” 

“Never mentioned a thing!” 

“He’s been playing ever since we could afford one.” Gin slipped out a new sheet of music on the stand. “He’s actually the one who got me the sheet music for this song because there’s a piano accompaniment and said he knew a guy who sold it.” 

Atsushi was speechless. It always surprised him and thought it was oddly…cute how good of a brother Akutagawa was towards Gin. Yet still a prickle of annoyance did shoot through his neck. He wasn’t even present in the room and still managed to gain the lead over Atsushi with his skill range of hobbies and knowledge of topics he didn’t believe Akutagawa had the actual patience to learn. 

“Tell me something he can’t do,” Atsushi mumbled instead of complimenting the other man. He knew full well he might have sounded like a child throwing a tantrum although his face burst into flames when Gin began cackling. 

“Sorry! Sorry!” Gin’s eyes glinted with delight as she tried to control her laughter and Atsushi gulped when the bow in her hand swung around; rosin dust flying everywhere. “The way you two talk about each other is hilarious.” 

Atsushi blushed even harder. “He talks about me? About what?” 

His face must be the shade of a cherry at this point. Atsushi didn’t have enough coffee to be able to handle this kind of news today. 

Gin held up her pointer finger in front of her lips. “Sorry again, that’s confidential. Sibling’s code.” 

“Gin,” Atsushi half-whined and shifted around on the bench to fully face the direction Gin stood. “You both are nuisances!” 

He’s beginning to understand where Akutagawa’s rare sense of humor was from. Yet he couldn’t find it in himself to be annoyed as a surge of warmth flowed through him when the sunlight hit Gin’s hair exactly right and the serene sight of Akutagawa yesterday reappeared in his mind. 

Gin placed her chin on the chinrest of the instrument. She closed her eyes when the bow touched the strings and Atsushi held his breath as a slow, delicate melody filled the room, invoking a soul-stirring emotion through him. An image of a grass field rustling in the summer winds invaded his mind.  

The piece sounded like a serenade for someone with the variation of drawn-out notes and harmonies almost mimicking a person singing a song. Gin’s motion with the bow flowing simultaneously with movement of her fingertips on the violin’s fingerboard. A distinguished flowery style like ink words on paper transcribed in the music. 

After the repetition of the melody once more, Gin placed more pressure on the strings and the last chords echoed out clear until they slowed down to fade into the last high notes of the song. 

A stillness engulfed the room while Gin opened her eyes again and tucked her violin under her arm, the bow dangling from her left hand. She grinned over at Atsushi, who was lost blissfully within the quietude. 

“How was it?” 

“It…it was wonderful!” 

“Why thank you, Atsushi!” She bowed when Atsushi applauded. 

He shifted weight on his seat. “So, this is an odd question but, do you think about anything while playing?” He held the back of his neck. “I read once how musicians can sometimes channel internalized feelings when they perform. And the way you played…it felt so personal.” 

It may have just been how poetic the song sounded yet one glimpse of Gin’s expression while performing reminded him of an emotion he couldn’t quite pinpoint at the given moment. He saw it before from somewhere else. 

Gin placed the bow on the music stand while she gave it some thought. “I suppose so…” she trailed off. She looked down at the floor, hiding behind the bangs that fell in front of her eyes. “Well, actually—can I tell you something?” 

“Yes, you can.” 

A rare blush colored Gin’s face and Atsushi wasn’t quite sure how to react, so he simply sat there.  

Was Gin sick too?  

Didn’t people usually comfort the other person in these situations?  

Should he stand up?  

He flinched when her eyes met his. 

Gin took in a deep breath. “I think…I like someone,” she confessed. Her voice was so faint Atsushi thought he misheard. 

“Huh?” 

“They’ll never notice me though,” she continued, with a slight pout on her face. “So, I don’t know how there’s a chance of me trying and, please don’t tell Ryuu this. He doesn’t need to know for…reasons.” 

“Reasons?” Atsushi repeated to quell his confusion. “Sounds ominous.” 

Could it be the man he met with Kunikida before?  

Katai!   

Atsushi confirmed to himself while the eccentric guy’s face resurfaced from his memory—the man’s name was named Katai. 

Although Katai was also the one who publicly confessed his affections to Gin and she declined immediately. He furrowed his eyebrows while he tried to rack his brain on who else Gin could possibly be talking about, but his encounters with mafia members (or other civilians not part of the ADA) were limited—and he hoped to keep it that way. 

Gin’s voice eventually pulled him back to the conversation. 

“Do you trust me?” 

A nervous chuckle escaped his lips. “I feel like I’m going to have to.” 

Gin beamed at him. “Perfect!” Her expression dropped to a timid one again while she glanced at her hands. “You…really promise not to tell?”  

“Yes, I promise I won’t tell Ryuu.” 

“Won’t tell me what, dear?” A new voice asked, and Atsushi jumped in his seat, whipping around to see Akutagawa with his arms crossed at the entryway.  

A smirk clear as day on his face. 

While Atsushi usually was filled with tension in the other’s present, he was surprised when a sense of ease washed over him. He was about to ask what the man was so smug about when another matter caught his attention. He raised a hand to stifle a laugh, attempting to mask it as a cough.  

It seemed the state of messy hair is a normalcy for the mafioso in the mornings, but at least his complexion looked a lot better. 

The smirk on Akutagawa’s face quickly fell into a scowl, which only made Atsushi laugh more. 

“Glad to see you awake!” Atsushi managed to say in between his bubbling fits of laughter. 

Akutagawa huffed in response. He fidgeted underneath the scrutiny of Atsushi’s gaze, pulling down the sleeves of his black sweater farther down his arms and raising his hand to cough. The more he thought about the other man, the more idiotic he felt. 

He was twenty years old for crying aloud. He should be old enough to not be affected by such whimsical predispositions about his feelings. Yet he can’t deny the growing attachment he held towards the weretiger.  

“How’s your coughing?” Gin piped up and took a step forward when Akutagawa coughed again. He held up his free hand. 

“Better than before…thanks.” 

Without another word, he strode over to sit down right beside Atsushi at the piano. 

“What were you two scheming about? My demise?” Akutagawa half-joked while his gaze flicked between his sister and the weretiger. Both were oddly too quiet. He tried not to let it bother him when he spotted Atsushi stiffening a little in his peripheral vision. 

“Uh—” Atsushi tried to reply but Gin beat him to it. 

“Haha, what a comedian you are, brother.” Gin rolled her eyes and a dark smile fell on her lips. “We all know if I wanted to do that, I could’ve done that ages ago.” 

That made Akutagawa grin. “No doubt about that with your stealth with a knife. Tachihara always complains to me whenever you target him during training.” 

“He deserves it more than half the time!” Gin protested. 

It went over Atsushi’s head when the two then began to bicker over who was better at infiltration missions. Yet a part of him sided with Gin more due to how uncooperative Akutagawa could be with paired assignments. 

He shuddered. Mafia siblings. 

Good thing the door wasn’t open. 

When the conversation changed to a more morbid topic, Atsushi felt ill and clapped his hands together. 

“So! Ryuu, Gin told me you play piano?” 

He did not need to know a list of poisonous flowers that could potentially be used to inhibit an enemy’s consciousness, end the person, or hide their body. 

“What? ” Akutagawa narrowed his eyes at his sister who simply shrugged her shoulders. 

“It’s not a secret or anything,” Gin said and ignored the death glare Akutagawa directed at her. “Oh, how about we play a duet for Atsushi!” 

Atsushi? Akutagawa thought. No honorifics between them anymore .  

Said person was staring at him and he pretended he didn’t notice. 

He glared at his sister harder. “No.” 

“It’s a short song,” Gin asserted and held out the sheet music towards Akutagawa. “It will be fun!” 

“Gin—” 

“Please?” 

Akutagawa chewed his lip while he tried to find a way out of this. He didn’t want to not play because he was bad. He felt…self-conscious. The only times Gin and him ever played music together was in the seclusion of their apartment. Never with an audience that was sitting right next to him. 

“It’s been a while since…”  

Atsushi nudged Akutagawa in the side to get his attention. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.” 

Akutagawa slumped his shoulders. A weird mix of determination and dread clouded in his head from Atsushi’s kind heart. He kinda did want to know how Atsushi would react. 

“It’s alright,” Akutagawa murmured and turned back to Gin. “Very well.” He took the papers from her and swiveled around to face the piano before logic caught up to him. He did a quick warm up scale to ease out the stiffness in his hands. The piano keys cool against his fingertips. When he was more relaxed, he glanced over at Atsushi, whose gaze was locked on his hands, but he smiled reassuringly when they locked eyes. 

Gin lifted the violin up more parallel to her face. “Ready?”  

Akutagawa nodded and with a subtle tilt of his head he signaled for Gin to start. Gin played once again the same exquisite song from earlier and after a few measures of her solo, Akutagawa finally joined in.  

The duet blended gracefully as the piano’s accompaniment began at a slower pace and echoed the same melody after the violin’s part. Then gradually the notes grew louder and both instruments harmonized together, creating a grandiose effect with the different octaves of the same notes. 

From the addition of piano, Atsushi somehow visualized the grass field from before now below a brilliant starry night sky somewhere far away in a foreign city. The notes resonated deep inside of him and created a longing for a time lost to his imagination. 

While watching the quick movement of Akutagawa’s hands, Atsushi’s eyes trailed down at the band-aid on Akutagawa’s thumb. The reason he had it on was from two days ago. 

As if on cue, the pace went off beat slightly when Akutagawa stretched his “bad” hand farther down the keyboard, now playing a higher octave of the piece while Gin held onto a long harmonic. 

After the last part of the song concluded, Akutagawa straightened his shoulders and with a quick motion of his wrist changed the rhythm into a new tempo. Gin set her violin down while Akutagawa continued to play. 

The transition was so seamless it took Atsushi a moment to reorientate himself as new but familiar notes filled his ears. Taking him back to his lonely days in the dark basement of the orphanage but it was a rare fond memory of his past. 

“Clair De Lune?” he exclaimed and blinked when he saw Akutagawa’s movements paused for a split second but resumed the piece. 

“You know Debussy?” 

Akutagawa’s voice sounded deep and raspy like he needed to clear his throat again, but he didn't pause playing. Atsushi averted his gaze as his face grew hot, deciding to stare at blurred-out music on the stand instead of the person beside him.  

“Not exactly—” He pulled at the collar of his shirt—“I recognized this song.” Akutagawa motioned with a raised eyebrow to explain. “It’s from an old music box someone left behind at the orphanage years ago. I completely forgot about it until now. The title was detailed on the side of it. I…never knew of the composer.” 

“Ah, I see.” 

As curious as he was, Akutagawa knew not to press too much about Atsushi’s past in the orphanage unless he brought it up. He read enough of his files before they officially met. Atsushi may have lived a worse fate than he did in his early days of the Port Mafia. 

Atsushi leaned forward while seeing Akutagawa play so out of character than his usual moods; gentle and patient. His nimble fingers sped up once the chorus picked up again. Not as fast as the original but it's close enough. 

It was mesmerizing to say at the least. He was amazing at piano. 

Atsushi closed his eyes while a bubbly euphoric sensation built up in his chest. As silly as it sounded, he felt like a noble listening to his own designated concert.  

A fond smile fell on Gin’s face while she sat in the corner to revise some other compositions, glancing over every now and then as the pair went ahead with their music activities. They were so caught up with each other that they barely noticed her exit moments later, slipping away like a shadow. 

The longer Akutagawa played, the same feeling crept up behind Atsushi again when he listened to Gin play her violin. Like an echo of unspoken words were translated into the notes; hidden in between the stanzas and lines of song.  

An invisible confession.  

“I apologize again,” Akutagawa blurted out and Atsushi’s eyes caught the other's.  

Atsushi became transfixed on the grey that he didn’t register Akutagawa stopped playing, and his focus was only on him now. The notes continued to swirl around in his head and reverberated against the walls. 

The room was getting humid.  

“For…for what?” Atsushi managed to speak. 

“I ruined your first festival.” 

“Well…we can always go to another one. There’s more throughout the year, right?” 

Akutagawa sighed. “Of course, you have something positive to say about it. You’re too much, Jinko.” He analyzed how the gold overpowered the purple in his eyes today. “Or as the French say: ‘ T’as de beaux yeux, tu sais? ’ in moments like these.” A flush spread across his neck. (Translation: “You have beautiful eyes, you know?” ) 

Atsushi jolted from the revelation of how close their faces were.  

When did Akutagawa get closer?  

Atsushi broke eye contact while he fiddled with his sleeves. “Don’t tell me you know French too?” he complained, subconsciously placing his elbow in front of him to rest his chin in his hand but forgot he sat at the piano (not a table), so the instrument shouted at him. Akutagawa snickered. “I have no idea what you said but it infuriates me already if you do.” 

“Would you believe me if I said yes?” 

“Hmm, debatable.” 

“How about if I memorized that one phrase to impress people?” 

Atsushi scoffed, “I would believe the first idea more.” He leaned away again to cross his arms and squinted at the music. “...Would you play something else?” 

He didn’t catch the flash of astonishment on Akutagawa’s face, too occupied trying not to stare. His face was overwhelmingly hot from the temperature in the room. He stole a glance when Akutagawa placed his hands on the keys again. 

“Anything for you, my dear.”

Chapter Text

Content Warnings: Semi-graphic descriptions of Atsushi’s past at the orphanage (which were shown in the anime/manga but may be a sensitive topic to read). Also includes some existential questioning with Akutagawa’s character.

~

"He gives meaning to each object or event as he meets it, rather than finding the meaning already in it." ~ Nakajima Atsushi (“On Admiration: Notes by the Monk Wujing” from The Moon over the Mountain and Other Stories)

Say Nothing More:  

Akutagawa stared outside the left window next to their bed, which had a high angle view of the full backyard. 

He didn’t want to label it stalking, but for the past ten minutes his eyes were drawn to the far-right corner of the yard where a certain weretiger and his uncle were working on that greenhouse. Ume was chasing squirrels on the other end. 

Moments before, he was sitting at the desk with his notebook trying to figure out how to reword this one phrase when the rumbling of the garage opening caught his attention. He peered out the window to see Atsushi and his uncle outside—the words he wrote long forgotten—as he stood up to get a better look at what they were doing. 

The external framework of the project and flooring seemed complete, except the roof and glass still needed to be installed. They were currently painting the wood white, adding the splash of color it needed instead of the dull brown of the planks. 

It looked nice.  

His eyebrows rose when Atsushi suddenly laughed at whatever his uncle must’ve said. His hand did that habit of covering his mouth to muffle the sound, arm clutched over his stomach as his shoulders shook. 

“What’s so amusing,” Akutagawa muttered while he shifted his weight to his other foot and crossed his arms. A huff left his lips when a troublesome feeling coiled in his gut. 

He refused to admit it was jealousy. Atsushi was the guest while they were here with his family. He should be happy they were getting along so well—and he truly was. 

Relieved, even. 

The way his aunt and uncle adored him turned out to be in their best favor with the forged engagement. Atsushi fit right in with his family in so little time. 

Although just because Akutagawa became fonder towards Atsushi, it didn’t completely erase the itch he felt when they first encountered each other.  

When Dazai threw it in his face how he was the ‘lesser’ subordinate between the two, a weight of self-disgust held him down by how frail he was. Locking him to memories of regret and chaining a reminder—he could never live up to others' expectations. 

He feigned detachment to most things because getting too close to others led him to more trouble down the line.

On the contrary, he could care less about what others perceived him as, it was more about the people he cared about was when it really mattered. Deep down it was a turmoil of wishing he could mind that fact more than he does.

To be more expressive, smarter, and also stronger not for the selfish desire to impress others—but to prove to himself that he’s more than what his status says about him in society. More than his weak body. 

It didn’t help that bitter fact was flaunted in his face when Dazai disabled their abilities when he fought Atsushi for the first time and treated him like a pawn in his mind games.

An ex-mafia executive on the lighter side of the law and Akutagawa stayed in the darkest parts because Dazai saved him there—then he left. He couldn’t grasp the meaning behind the decision until he saw him again as a member of the Armed Detective Agency and Atsushi—of all people—by his side. 

He felt like a joke seeing him with the detectives.

His entire world’s atlas tilted and put a crack on the principles he used to lay out in front of him like an oath. 

Maybe he was jealous of how easily Atsushi warmed up to people and Akutagawa tended to stay ten feet away with a wall surrounding him so people would leave him alone.  

Which somehow Atsushi managed to break down with his benevolent (and stubborn) personality, and those walls shattered just like Rashōmon when his tiger strength overpowered him. Leaving him in fragments and forcing himself to pick up the pieces he did not want to face. 

Atsushi set off a challenging spark in him that he thought died the same day his parents did. 

Hope.  

A real purpose for living. 

Not the flimsy one he convinced himself that Dazai gifted him through the tainted black coat. He was a naive child then. Still felt like one at times now. 

But he did learn all the emotions he buried over the years didn’t make living easier—it just alleviated some of the melancholy he carried with him from the wounds he never would heal from. 

There was a specific aura all Armed Detective Agency members possessed, and he envied the light he knew lacked in his own eyes. Even Dazai and Kyouka seemed to be happier there. 

He admired how Atsushi could smile so bright after his own dark history, and Akutagawa understood Atsushi remained to struggle with it from time-to-time depending on the day.  

Akutagawa coughed into his hand and turned away from the window when Atsushi glanced up towards their room while taking a swig of water from a bottle his uncle handed him. 

He’s been concealed by the curtains the entire time yet the thought of being caught made him uneasy.  

What’s been with him lately?  

Akutagawa’s actions were beginning to be reckless and putting his guard down often. 

Yet it hasn’t been unpleasant most of the time… 

An image of Atsushi’s loopy grin appeared in his mind when he showed him another song on the piano yesterday. Those unique eyes were a prevalent occurrence too.  

He didn’t know how much relief was possible to course through someone’s veins when he discovered Gin and Atsushi in the music room after waking up in an empty room. 

Akutagawa raised a hand to his face to find it warm.  

After one more lingering gaze outside, he trudged back to the desk to write. A strong urge to clear his thoughts took over. 

~ 

Atsushi wiped the sweat off his forehead after finishing the last coat of paint on the wood. He dipped the paint brush in the bucket to do some final changes he missed earlier and smiled at the work he did alongside Dōshō. Proud of the process so far. 

The sun wasn’t as bad as earlier and a crisp breeze swept through the lawn as daylight began to fade in the sky. A few more hours were left until night fell upon the area and considering how it hasn’t rained recently, Dōshō suggested a bonfire tonight. 

Atsushi lit up with excitement when he agreed it would be a great idea and a pleasant buzz of anticipation surged through him even as he cleaned up the supplies and locked the garage behind him. 

He gave the key back to Dōshō and headed inside to wash up before dinner.  

When he entered his and Akutagawa’s shared bedroom, he spotted the man at the desk. A cup of tea in one hand, pen in the other. 

Déjà vu clouded over him from their heated conversation a few nights ago but the fog cleared when Akutagawa’s eyes pierced at him. 

Normally when Atsushi would return to their room at this hour after working outside, Akutagawa wouldn’t bat an eye in his direction. Maybe give a hum of acknowledgement every now-and-then. Sometimes, it would be the first time they spoke a word to each other that day.  

Their internal clocks simply ran on different schedules. 

Most days Akutagawa would already be up and downstairs when Atsushi woke up. And by the time he made it there himself, Akutagawa would seclude himself to their room or Atsushi would go directly outside to his favorite spot at the hammock before aiding with yard work. Their paths did not usually cross until mid-to-late evenings and helped by their prearranged agreement when arriving in Fukuoka they would only talk to each other when necessary. Akutagawa’s family didn’t catch on since they’re both introverts anyway so personal space was needed often. 

The cup's clink being placed back on its saucer brought Atsushi back to the present and observed Akutagawa twist his body on the chair. 

“Uh,” Akutagawa began, startling Atsushi while he turned to clear his throat. “How has your day been?” 

A ripple of awkwardness cut through the room as Atsushi blinked in surprise. The astoundment of the question caught him off guard but he found himself grinning despite it. “Great, actually.” 

“Good.” Akutagawa nodded while he affirmed the words. “Yeah, good.” 

Atsushi bit his lip to stop his smile from widening. “And, how about yourself?” He shuffled over to the closet to gather a change of clothes. 

“Same old, same old,” Akutagawa said while his gaze followed Atsushi. When he realized he was staring again he quickly glanced down to his socked feet before the other noticed. 

“Good.” Atsushi grabbed what he needed and hovered around the space where he would lay the spare futon out. He waited until Akutagawa looked at him again. “I was actually talking with your uncle a lot today.” 

Akutagawa pursed his lips. “...About?” 

“He wants to have a bonfire tonight.” Atsushi wasn’t sure what made a slight pink dust across Akutagawa’s face although he continued talking, “He was also very talkative.” 

A thin eyebrow raised. “Is that so?” 

“He told me some stories.” 

“By all means, please, elaborate.” 

Atsushi raised a hand underneath his chin to pretend he was thinking about doing so. 

“Jinko—” 

“So,” Atsushi interjected, “you don’t like baths?” 

Whatever retort Akutagawa had planned vanished when his mouth fell open and then flattened in a tight line. “Oji-san did not.” His eye twitched when a chuckle slipped from Atsushi. “Oi! Don’t laugh at me. I was six years old!” 

“It’s just,” Atsushi chuckled and wiped a tear from his eye, “I didn’t expect you to do that as a kid! Maybe now because you wield Rashōmon and prefer the extra protection but who wears a full outfit while taking a bath?” 

Akutagawa ran a hand down his face with a groan and swiveled on the chair to lay his head on the desk. “That old man, I swear.” His ears must be tinted red at this point. 

“And as quoted by Dōshō-san you ‘looked like a sopping-wet leaf that fell in a pond ’ when your parents finally found you. Did this really cause you to dislike baths?” 

“Unbelievable,” Akutagawa groused, “I can’t believe he told you about this.” 

“Awh come on, it’s refreshing to learn something new about you.” 

“I wouldn’t have done it if I knew a washing machine existed at that age! That neighbor’s dog drooled on my sleeve, and I refused to let that go. I despise all beasts alike.” Akutagawa’s hands tightened into fists. 

“You like Ume-chan,” Atsushi countered, and Akutagawa snapped his head up. 

“She’s tolerable.” Akutagawa picked at a frayed string on his jacket. “I prefer cats. They don’t drool or chase you into water.” 

Atsushi snorted. “You’re such a dork.” 

“Excuse me?” 

Atsushi put his hands up and headed over to the bathroom. “It’s not a bad thing!” He placed his hand on the doorknob and spared another glance at Akutagawa. “It’s sweet.” 

Akutagawa’s flustered expression was the last thing he saw before closing the bathroom door behind him. He needed to shower before dinner.  

After Atsushi closed the door, Akutagawa was left dumbfounded. He slammed his notebook shut, thoughts racing again and straightened the pens on the desk. 

He tried not to think about the running water a few away and made his way over to the bedside table to prepare a nebulizer treatment for his lungs. 

His chest hurt and sensed a coughing fit soon if he didn’t take precautions. 

Gin would chastise him about it later if he didn’t too. 

Akutagawa situated the mask over his nose and inhaled, finding relief from the jitteriness as the warm mist hit his airways.  

The last bit of the medication dripped into the machine when the quiet squeak of a faucet turning off reached his ears and he pulled the face mask off. A faint wheeze left him when he took in a slow breath of the bedroom's cool air; feeling calmer.  

He just unplugged the machine when Atsushi came out of the bathroom, now wearing a light sweater scrunched to his elbows and shorts. 

The towel was wrapped over his shoulders as he attempted to dry his hair, which dripped droplets everywhere. His steps faltered when his eyes flicked over to the desk, Akutagawa’s new spot on the bed, back to the desk and then the nebulizer on the side table.  

It must’ve clicked what happened but he decided to not comment on it while he tossed his dirty laundry in the hamper.  

Akutagawa perceived the action as common courtesy to not be nosy, but he didn’t have a clue if Atsushi felt differently about him when he found out about his chronic illness.  

The weretiger was peculiar in many ways Akutagawa couldn’t fathom. 

He and Atsushi were close, but also not, given how much Akutagawa knew about him overall. A small part of him regretted that and his curiosity grew each time he peered into those honey-stained purple irises.  

Which happened to occur again now—the weretiger’s mouth moved but it was all white noise for him. He covered the lower half of his face while he recalled what he said to Atsushi yesterday. 

‘You have beautiful eyes, you know?’  

Saved by the fact Atsushi didn’t know French, what the hell prompted him to say such a tacky line?  

From a French film nothing less, because Chuuya forced him to watch it together one evening because he was bored. It was an old noir called Port of Shadows, or some sort, and that one line struck out of him. He never expected to use it on someone else. 

“Akutagawa, ” Atsushi repeated. “Hey, are you listening?” 

“Y…yeah.” 

A tickle built up in his throat and turned to cough into his fist. Within the next moment he jolted when a warm hand was placed against his forehead.  

“You’re not sick, are you?” Atsushi’s eyes narrowed while he analyzed Akutagawa’s perplexed reaction. “Hmm, no fever…” 

Akutagawa caught the other’s wrist in a firm grip when he tried to check his pulse. “Atsushi, I’m fine.” 

His voice might’ve sounded an octave higher and a tad scratchy because he needed to cough again but he couldn’t bring himself to pull away. Atsushi’s skin felt soft underneath his fingertips. 

“Are you sure? Your face looks a little—oh.” 

With his free hand, Akutagawa took Atsushi’s longer lock of hair in his palm. The silver strands were damp but silky, and up close he picked up a whiff of citrus from the shampoo he must use.  

Surprisingly, it didn’t smell bad at all.  

It reminded him of tea. 

“Akutagawa, what are you—” 

“You’re going to be the sick one here if you don’t learn to dry your hair properly,” Akutagawa scolded lightly, and his mouth quirked when Atsushi puffed out his cheeks.  

“It’s not even cold outside…wha—!” 

Atsushi’s breath knocked out of him when Akutagawa hoisted himself up from the bed and dragged them both into the bathroom with the hand attached to his wrist. 

The mirrors were foggy from the humidity and Atsushi blinked owlishly when Akutagawa sat him down on the edge of the bathtub. 

“W-what are you doing?!” he stammered and Akutagawa side-eyed him as he grabbed the blow dryer in the drawer underneath the sink. 

“Drying your hair?”  

“Uh, yeah, I can see that! But I—why? Your family is waiting for us downstairs.”  

Akutagawa shrugged his shoulders. “They can wait a few minutes.” 

Atsushi stiffened when he clicked the device on. Akutagawa blew the warm air against his own hand before angling it towards Atsushi. “Relax, I used to do this with Gin.” 

“It’s not that I don’t believe you! It’s just, I never had someone else do my hair before…” 

Let alone touch his hair so gently.  

Atsushi’s pulse raced when loud memories echoed in his head.  

The harsh tugging on his bangs until he couldn’t take it anymore and lashed out at the other kids at the orphanage. 

The push on the back of his skull when his face submerged into a freezing bowl of water whenever he “misbehaved”. 

The clang of the chains secured around his neck and feet when the headmaster would visit him in the basement and yanked him by the hair when he refused to look at him. 

Atsushi raised his head to look up at Akutagawa. His hooded eyes appeared to be analyzing him but held no disdain, and even softened as he took in Atsushi’s shaken state. His whole body quivered while the man observed him, not moving until he said it was okay to continue.  

No one was here to hurt him.  

Atsushi was safe here.  

He should feel safe here. 

With a shaky breath, he scooted closer to Akutagawa and tilted his head slightly towards him. “Alright, go on.” 

“…Okay.” The other pursed his lips before stepping forward and Atsushi shuddered when the warm blast of air hit his neck. 

He expected the feeling of Akutagawa’s fingers running through his hair but still flinched from the feather-like touch. The hand paused but Atsushi grabbed Akutagawa’s wrist before he pulled away.  

He couldn’t find his voice again but shook his head to voice everything was okay. 

The awareness paralyzed him by how humane the action of Akutagawa's fingers combing his hair was. He began drying it when Atsushi didn’t move away. 

It did not make sense how touch from someone else could be so gentle. 

From people like Akutagawa.  

He was careful and attentive over Atsushi, changing the angle of the heat if it accidentally got too hot. He made sure to not pull too hard to detangle any knots he found. 

Akutagawa was being considerate.  

The notion stunned Atsushi and became so absorbed with it the minutes blurred by and only jumped back to reality when Akutagawa pushed a stray lock out of his eyes. The blow dryer was already back in the drawer and Akutagawa glanced down at his wristwatch. 

“You’re in a better state now. Let’s head downstairs.” 

Atsushi nodded in his dazed state while he trailed behind him. 

~ 

Gin waved once they stepped outside on the patio and ran over. “Ryuu! Atsushi! Look what I got!” Raised in the air was a pack of sparklers (senko hanabi ) that she bought for the occasion from the convenience store down the street. 

“We haven’t done these in forever.” She turned to Akutagawa, and he glanced down at the box with some indifference, but fondness lingered on his face. 

“It has.” 

Ever since the slums…  

The words neither sibling voiced out but knew the significance. 

Atsushi turned his head to Ume barking and smiled when he saw her zip across the yard with a stick hanging from her mouth. Dōshō was playing fetch with her although his eyes widened in surprise when Ume suddenly darted over to Atsushi and dropped the stick at his feet. 

“You wanna play?” Atsushi teased and kneeled as Ume tried to jump onto him, her tail wagging fast. He petted her head while grabbing the stick. “Alright, here you…go! ” He threw the twig as far as he could and laughed as Ume dashed towards it. Dōshō excused himself to head inside and help Tomo with dinner preparations but did pause to greet Akutagawa and patted him on the shoulder. 

While Atsushi and Ume continued the silly game, Akutagawa stayed on the sidelines with Gin and took small sips of iced apricot tea. Akutagawa snorted behind the cup as Ume dropped the stick for about the twentieth time and Atsushi rubbed his shoulder. He shook his head when Gin glanced over with a questioning look. 

The shenanigans lasted until both Tomo and Dōshō came back outside with their hands full of dishes and placed them on the outdoor table around a small centerpiece of sunflowers in a mason jar. 

Tomo ushered everyone over and after ‘thanking for the food’, Dōshō lit the bonfire at the stone fire pit nearby to start the night. The firewood had an aroma of something earthy and overall created a comfortable atmosphere as the entire household enjoyed their meal of yakitori (chicken), grilled unagi (eel), rei shabu brimming with vegetables and white rice topped with umeboshi (pickled plums). 

During the meal, Akutagawa’s aunt and uncle shared a bottle of sake and clinked their cups together before eating. They offered some to Akutagawa, who declined and then tilted his head towards Atsushi. 

Well, he was technically twenty here, Atsushi thought and requested to simply try for the sake of it. 

“This kind is diluted with water,” Akutagawa commented while Dōshō poured Atsushi half of what was considered a normal serving in a tiny porcelain glass. The liquor was clear and didn’t have an intense scent. 

Atsushi bowed his head in ‘thanks’ and tilted the cup slowly against his lips. His mouth puckered on instinct from his terrible experience with wine but was pleasantly surprised when the taste ended up being light and semi-sweet. 

A sharp aftertaste still burned the back of his throat although it had lasting fruity tones of peach and maybe raspberries.

He turned to Akutagawa. “It’s actually really good!” 

The man’s expression relaxed. “I’m glad.” 

“Want some more?” Tomo offered and Atsushi shook his head, face flushed with a smile. 

Maybe when he finally reaches the correct drinking age.  

Conversation continued to stay minimal, sticking with the topics of what everyone did that day or a random observation of the backyard gardens. The serenity of the dim lighting and blazing fire crackling in the background filled in most of the quietness. Fireflies began to flutter about near the fruit trees where the most shadows currently were.

The sun was not officially set so the sky was a gradient of deep blues and fleeting orange. 

Dōshō stood up abruptly in the middle of it all. “Ah! One moment.” He ventured off inside the house and returned a few minutes later with a record player and vinyl disks underneath his arm. “Forgot the music.” 

With some setting up, Dōshō sat it down next to an extension cord that wrapped around the house and pulled out one of the vinyls from its protective sleeve. He positioned the disk on the slot and rested the needle on the disk. Muffled static fizzled from the speakers at first although within a few seconds, music spilled out on the spinning device. 

“A great choice,” Tomo complimented as Dōshō sat back at the table. He pecked her on the cheek and the family meal resumed. 

The music diminished into the background of their surroundings as silverware grazed against their plates until a particular one captured Akutagawa’s attention. 

I walked across an empty land~
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand.

“Do you care to dance?” he found himself asking while Atsushi took his last bite and his chopsticks clattered onto his plate. 

“Sorry?” 

“I asked if you wanted to dance.” The words were spoken underneath his breath so only Atsushi could hear unless the others listened close enough. 

“For what reason?” Atsushi pulled at the collar of his sweater and watched Tomo and Dōshō out of the corner of his eye.  

“Because,” Akutagawa huffed, “you’re my fiancé and I want to dance with you. I like this song.” 

“Do you even know it?!” 

Akutagawa rolled his eyes. “Of course.” 

I felt the earth beneath my feet~
Sat by the river and it made me feel complete.

Ume barked in enthusiasm, prancing around them briefly when they stood up and moved into an open space on the patio. She spun around once to sit down in front of Gin, who watched them with curiosity.

Atsushi gave a sheepish grin towards Akutagawa’s family and then focused on the man. 

“Care to explain the sudden spontaneity?” Atsushi whispered, feigning a bright expression when Tomo glanced over. Akutagawa took his hand and pulled him close. 

This time, Akutagawa was the one to wrap his arms around Atsushi while Atsushi placed his hand on his shoulder, a bit awkwardly. 

Oh, simple thing, where have you gone? ~ 

“I don’t recall you being this weird about it when we danced back at Kobito’s,” he whispered back and swayed them with the music. 

“T-that—!” Atsushi sputtered. “That was completely different!” 

“Whatever you say, mi amor.” (A/N: Translation: mi amor = my love in Spanish) 

“Argh! Don’t start speaking other languages now. I’m still confused over whatever you spewed yesterday.” 

“My plans have gone according to plan, then.” 

“You’re so infuriating.” 

The other man’s eyes shone with mischief. “I know.” 

I’m getting old, and I need something to rely on~

The warmth of the bonfire became stronger from where they danced and the orange glow illuminated behind them.

Akutagawa knew the song was ending as soon as the final chorus played so he spun Atsushi around and took his left hand, raising it between them. The silver-haired man emitted a strangled noise from the new motion and Akutagawa forced himself to look up into stunned sunset eyes as his lips graced against his knuckles.  

Atsushi’s face went aflame, and he pulled his hand away when Gin giggled from her seat over at the table, which Akutagawa expressed some tenseness about when his jaw clenched. 

The record player skipped to a new song and thankfully not a danceable one for Akutagawa’s tastes, so a flustered Atsushi hurried back to his seat with an Akutagawa not too far behind.

He cleared his throat, ignoring the strong stare from his sister but can admit he did feel a lot lighter than earlier in the day. Tomo enthused how sweet the two of them really are and Dōshō nodded along. Sipping his sake with a proud grin. 

Proceeding the dance, everyone seemed to calm down more from the hysterics of the day and spent the rest of time relinquishing the peaceful night. For dessert, Tomo brought fresh slices of watermelon (and figs for Akutagawa). The crickets' chirps grew louder, more fireflies surfaced above the ground and Ume dozed off near Tomo and Dōshō, resting her head on crossed paws. 

“You can see the stars so clearly here,” Tomo sighed as she leaned her head on Dōshō’s shoulder and he leaned closer. “When you look at the sky, it’s like looking at the world’s oldest stories.” 

“I agree. It reminds me about us all those years ago.” 

Tomo’s laughter resonated in the dark. “Yeah, you’re right.” 

Above them incandescent stars spanned across the entire skies with a near-waning crescent moon hidden behind the leaves of the trees. Not a cloud in sight. 

“I think it’s dark enough now. Let’s do the sparklers!” Gin grabbed them on the table and handed one to everyone.  

“How do you do it?” Atsushi asked, twirling the thin rainbow piece of paper between his fingers. They looked different than the Americanized ones Lucy showed him once on her phone. 

From her seat, Tomo handed Dōshō a lighter. She pinched the top of the sparkler and held it out. “Fold the nib like this and keep it vertical while keeping your hand very steady.” Dōshō lit the lighter near the bottom of the paper. “Then, ta-da!” 

A frenzied glow of mini fireworks suddenly erupted on the twisted piece of the paper and moved fast upwards. Soon enough though, it died down to a small ember and its last white spark fell to the ground as silent as falling snow. 

“That’s so cool!” 

Atsushi mimicked Tomo’s example and pinched the top of the tissue paper. 

“Want me to light it?” Akutagawa stood beside him now with the lighter in hand. 

“Oh! Sure, here.” 

“Watch your feet,” Akutagawa warned and held the flame underneath. As soon as the fire touched the bottom, tiny orange-white sparks zapped alive, and Atsushi focused hard on keeping still so the flame wouldn't fall off. 

“Wow…” He watched in awe how the fire traveled through the paper and in a blink of his eye, the fireworks came and went again. “They only last like ten seconds!” 

It terrified him how short-lived certain beautiful moments could be. 

Maybe that was why he tended to hold on to them more. 

He didn’t want this night to end.  

But all good things do—and eventually, another source of happiness finds its way towards him one day. Sometimes in the most unexpected ways. 

Atsushi’s gaze fell on Akutagawa when he finally got his own sparkler to light up. He did Gin’s right after Atsushi’s, so he was able to see a third time how spectacular it lit up in the darkness. He recognized now how the fire particles sprouted like a budding flower around the paper. Growing and slowing down like time. 

The brightness of the sparks glimmered in Akutagawa’s grey eyes and suddenly they locked on Atsushi.  

He may not know much about how this summer may end…  

Yet Atsushi wanted to treasure this summer day close to his heart. 

For a long, long time.

Chapter Text

“Those who are hardest to love need it the most.” ~ Socrates

Tell Me It's Nothing:

Dewdrops from the morning fog slid down the tent protecting the hammock Akutagawa lounged on with a novel. The earth's strong fresh scent pervaded the warm air with occasional hints of herbs from the nearby gardens.

If Akutagawa squinted close enough he could see a spider's web clinging to a branch on one of the lemon trees. A twig snapped nearby and Akutagawa peered up from his book to see Atsushi amongst the apricot trees.

The fruit was almost as vibrant as the eyes gazing directly at him.

"What are you doing here?" Atsushi questioned with a slight head tilt.

Brooding clouds lingered above them and the weather wasn't bad yet, but Akutagawa could sense a downpour any minute. His aunt mentioned another rainstorm was expected soon with it still being the middle of tsuyu season.

Today Akutagawa took the liberty of reading here instead of their room for a change of scenery while Atsushi helped his uncle with the greenhouse. He knew Atsushi occupied this grove of fruit trees when they went their usual separate ways for the day so this encounter wasn't that much of a surprise. 

And Akutagawa did know this information because of his occasional window watching, which the other had no knowledge of.

He noted the page he was on and glanced over at Atsushi again, who still stood there like a lost puppy. The weretiger's bangs were frizzed up a bit with sweat glistening on his forehead. 

Instead of answering Atsushi's question he shrugged and moved his legs, inviting the other to join him. Atsushi didn't move and squinted.

Akutagawa sighed. "What? I don't bite."

"Yes...but you do stab and kick."

Akutagawa shrugged again. "Only when fighting." He gestured with his hand this time towards the free space on the hammock.

Atsushi shook his head at the response but Akutagawa didn't really care. The man shuffled over and took a seat at the edge. The hammock dipped and swayed until the new weight settled in and the ropes supporting them stilled.

"You look tired," Akutagawa observed while giving him a once over. He zoned in on the dark bags underneath Atsushi's irises and how bad his posture was. "Did you sleep well last night?"

Atsushi yawned and wiped the sweat off his face. "Uh, I've been sleeping better than last week but it still takes a bit for the body to recover, I guess. Working with your uncle helps keep me active."

"H...he better not be overworking you."

Akutagawa swallowed when Atsushi pushed up his shirt's sleeves up to his forearms. He wore his usual white one except he forwent the black tie.

Atsushi snorted. "I'm fine." He raised his arms to stretch and leaned upwards toward the trees. "If anything, I think Ume-chan overworks me more. She can play fetch for hours and my arm can only throw so many sticks!"

"Perhaps the white beast does have some worthy traits, after all."

"Hey! Be nice, I punched you once and I'll do it again."

"I would love to see you try, my dear."

Atsushi pinched his nose. "These nicknames are ridiculous!"

"I do recall you were the one who wanted them in the first place," Akutagawa countered and laughed faintly when Atsushi's face turned red with a scowl.

Even though Atsushi was flustered there was no malice or heated glares shot at Akutagawa. Their eyes locked briefly and Akutagawa gave him a ghost of a smile and Atsushi returned one back.

Akutagawa returned to his book after that. Unsure how to continue with the conversation but Atsushi didn't seem to mind his unresponsiveness. He yawned again and began watching the rustling trees above them.

Ume barked in the distance and Atsushi chuckled while he spotted her pranced around the backyard. No doubt sticking her nose in Tomo's vegetable plants as well.

The pair enjoyed the quietude for the time being. Also relieved there were no external pressures or necessities of performing in front of others as a rarity today.

It was just the two of them amid the security of nature around them, swaying on the hammock together.

Akutagawa managed to read a few more pages when the hammock seemed to almost capsize and startled him enough to nearly activate Rashōmon. He froze when a familiar sensation tickled his bare arm and peeked over his book.

Any grievances he felt dissolved when he saw Atsushi fast asleep. His head nestled into Akutagawa's side and somehow draped his arm over Akutagawa's stomach.

Well, at least he's getting more rest, he thought as his whole body flushed.

He reached out to fix some stray hairs out of the other's eyes but withdrew immediately when his fingertips brushed over Atsushi's cheek. A surge of warmth shot through him and he jolted. 

Akutagawa winced when Atsushi stirred but it was only to re-adjust his head and stayed still until he was sure the other didn't wake. 

His mood faltered as mere seconds ticked by.

Did Akutagawa even know what love was?

The idea tilted back and forth in his mind for so long now ever since the realization he may have feelings towards the weretiger.

Eerily similar to how Chuuya drank too much wine. His superior would tilt the alcohol back and forth in a circular motion as a 'savor the moment' type of ritual with his glass. The drinking habit he picked up over time and it made Akutagawa grimace in distaste.

From both the smell of wine itself and because it meant he had to listen to the ginger-head spew nonsense about Dazai for about twenty minutes (at the max, he was always reassured).

Those nights always ended with Chuuya topping the last of his liquor with a 'Damn you, Mackerel!' and proceeded to pass out seconds after on the bar counter.

Perhaps that's why Akutagawa was never a fan of alcoholic drinks. He didn't enjoy seeing how distraught it made Chuuya.

And these new feelings towards the weretiger did exactly that.

Akutagawa believed he loved people before.

Keyword: believed.

Hatred was the first emotion he knew of ever since he was a boy.

Fear was one he refused to hinder himself with.

And happiness was one he had experienced yet always fleeting.

Like a bolt of lightning across the sky, or gusts of wind on a summer night.

But there was one emotion he had yet to experience in full capacity.

Love.

Not the kind of 'love' when Gin made sure he got enough rest and made him tea after missions with a side of figs though.

This kind of 'love' grew each passing day ever so slightly, and frustrated the hell out of him not knowing what to do and figuring out what to say.

Many unspoken actions from the resistance of wanting to hold him closer...and terrible but so soothing yearnings in his mind making him want a future he never dared to go after.

Glimmers of life he never thought of until he met Atsushi.

His gaze flicked to the platinum ring on his left hand. He contemplated if he was even doing the right thing.

Since it was a temporary love—and they were pretending.

Akutagawa also technically had two families before his present one.

All which he shared with Gin, who was always a constant variable in his own life and he held her high in his priorities.

Gin, who he vowed to protect like the other kids in the Slums but things didn't turn out the way they predicted with them. The same grim circumstances with his parents.

Both families unfortunately now buried deep within the darkest parts within himself.

And then a pivotal point in his life occurred when Dazai found Gin and himself on the brink of a deathly fate and he could still recall that moment so vividly.

He would never forget it.

Since it was the day he also learned to respect someone else again regardless of how twisted the conditions were. Yet respect wasn't the same as love, and he did not consider Dazai family at all.

His idea of love was distorted. Love and happiness together was vague. He distanced himself from anything related to it for years. He's not sure what it means to love someone else.

To be the right person for someone else.

Reality wasn't like love in movies or fictional stories. It was perplexing and took a lot of effort to figure out.

For such a long time, Akutagawa had been (and still was) a resentful person by being indifferent to everything excluding his sister—who was his family.

He preferred to suffer in the bone-battered darkness he truly despised than let someone else set him on fire and allow him to feel again. It was safer that way.

After Akutagawa and Gin lost their parents, he knew every emotion inside of him that bled warmth and comfort perished alongside them and sunk deep below in the icy waters. The rushing water in his dreams was his reminder of the night he failed his parents.

And he can't afford to be a failure to someone else.

The weretiger was too empathetic by nature. Like when he jumped off a moving train and straight into the ocean to save Kyouka those many months ago. Even accepting to accompany him to Fukuoka as his fake fiancé of all things.

For all he knew Atsushi simply tolerated this fake act involving his family.

The possibility that Atsushi could have someone else in his life hit Akutagawa like a tidal wave.

He never weighed in on the idea when he uttered the words 'marry me' at the cafe that one chaotic, fateful afternoon and he managed to convince Atsushi to help him.

Yet that wasn't the only thing bothering Akutagawa regarding the new dilemma of the trip.

What if he's not ready?

He didn't want to pursue an attachment too fast. Maybe it would be easier to swallow down these butterflies and force the anxieties away. He already knew how Atsushi looked at him.

When they first met he was shocked by how bright the other's purple-gold irises glared back at him—first filled with fear but there was a flicker of darkness behind those exquisite eyes as well.

That darkness was clearly evident whenever Atsushi's late headmaster was mentioned and Akutagawa understood to some extent why.

He witnessed it a handful of days ago when Atsushi confronted him about his selfish behavior. So he was hesitant to overstep with whatever line they drew between them with this pretend marriage story.

How on earth would they go back to their usual ways once this summer was over?

It was even more irrational to believe how Atsushi could fit in his life once they returned back to Yokohama. Their conflicting organizations would dispel such a relationship or put a lot of strain on them.

His chest constricted and exhaled, momentarily calmer when his gaze wandered back to the sleeping weretiger.

This wasn't good.

What they shared was a temporary love, it had to be.

Atsushi shivered and Akutagawa watched as his eyebrows knitted together. He swallowed down any weird feelings swirling inside of him and was about to resume reading again when a faint rumble of thunder shook the ground. Streaks of white illuminated between the clouds and soon enough a steady drizzle started to tap against the hammock's protective cover.

Akutagawa didn't notice how the wind picked up the past few minutes. He tucked his book away inside his jacket and focused on Atsushi just as another round of thunder grumbled. Louder this time.

He placed his hand on Atsushi's shoulder. "Atsushi," Akutagawa murmured. The name fell naturally from his lips yet still felt foreign on his tongue. "Hey, Atsushi."

He heaved out a sigh when Atsushi didn't budge again. Atsushi pressed his face more into his chest and Akutagawa spluttered from the movement. This time Akutagawa grabbed both his shoulders and gently shook him.

"Jinko! You fool, wake up!"

Akutagawa debated on throwing him off the hammock when another crack of thunder shot through the skies and Atsushi finally shot upwards with a sharp gasp. He nearly fell on the grass but Rashōmon's quickness caught his arm before impact.

Uneasiness fell on Atsushi's face and Akutagawa immediately released Atsushi from his ability. Any hint of apprehension disappeared once he realized where he was and anchored himself underneath Akutagawa's stare.

"Uhm, my apologies for startling you. It's just—" Akutagawa motioned towards the rain clouds looming overhead.

Atsushi nodded and rubbed his eyes, blinking wearily.

When the soft pitter patter of the storm changed to heavier droplets Akutagawa took the initiative of standing first. He interlocked his hand with Atsushi's to tug him off the hammock but stilled when the other didn't follow suit.

A blank expression settled on Atsushi's face as his gaze lingered on the falling water.

He exhaled. "It's strangely quiet when it rains."

Akutagawa hummed to assure he was listening although was at a loss of words.

From the tone of Atsushi's voice he had a hunch Atsushi wasn't directly speaking to him but just out loud. His purple-gold eyes glazed over and the grip on their joined hands tightened as Atsushi's shoulders tensed.

Realization washed over him as he recalled Atsushi had a similar demeanor whenever they were in public as a couple. 

Questions were on the tip of Akutagawa's tongue yet he held himself back from vocalizing anything.

At least for right now because he didn't want to say the wrong thing after his ruination of thoughts earlier. Afraid to cross a boundary he believed Atsushi didn't want to be confronted about. It wasn't his place in the matter.

Akutagawa caressed his thumb over Atsushi's hand and his blank stare focused on him.

"We should get inside. Don't want a soggy kitten now, don't we?" Akutagawa chastised to lighten the mood and pretended to cough when Atsushi rolled his eyes.

His mouth quirked upwards when Atsushi's usual vexed expression replaced the dejected one.

In retaliation Atsushi pulled Akutagawa straight into the cold downpour without warning. "More like a drenched mafioso!" he shouted and any refutes on Akutagawa's part were drowned out by the storm.

Yet he could hear Atsushi's laughter as they ran through the yard.

Water sloshed around their feet on the muddy grass and surprisingly the rain pouring down on them wasn't unbearable. Their joined hands radiating enough warmth to steady Akutagawa from any negative thoughts.

By the time they got to the door they were both soaked but he didn't care. Atsushi attempted to wipe the water droplets off his face although to no avail. Once they walked into the genkan he shivered from the AC.

Atsushi let go of Akutagawa's hand to untie his shoes and that's when Akutagawa's throat went dry at the sight of his shirt. The collar hung slightly lower now and the white fabric became near see through after being drenched from the rain.

He didn't realize he was gaping at the man until Atsushi stood up again after placing his shoes near the door and Atsushi's eyes met his immediately. He stiffened but couldn't bring himself to look away.

"Boys, is that you in the hallway?" Tomo called out from the living room and Akutagawa's eyes widened when Atsushi shrieked and latched onto his arm.

Their wet clothing mushed together and he grimaced at the feeling. "Uhm, yes, Oba-san," Akutagawa answered and raised an eyebrow at the other.

Atsushi quickly realized and released him. "Sorry!" he whispered, "She always scares me."

And so do you, Akutagawa thought.

He turned his head away and coughed, hoping his face didn't give away how in-composed inside he felt. "It's a family trait I suppose."

Atsushi opened his mouth but both turned their heads when Tomo entered the hallway with Ume following behind her. Thankfully Ume didn't seem frightened by this storm today.

"You both are going to catch a cold!" Tomo gasped as she gave them a once over. "Dōshō! Can you bring some towels down here?"

Akutagawa shook his head. "We're fine, Oba-san. No need to fuss."

"The rain actually did feel nice," Atsushi laughed and held his hand behind his head.

Tomo placed her hands on her hips while Ume sauntered around them. Ume sniffed at Akutagawa's leg and he gazed down at the dog with slight interest.

"I suppose," Tomo complied and sighed. "At least go get changed. We don't want water trailing on the wooden floors."

Atsushi knelt to pet Ume and grinned up at Akutagawa. "You go on up first. I'll make us tea and make sure Ume doesn't try to chase you into the bath."

There was a beat of silence until Tomo started cackling and Akutagawa's face prickled with heat.

"Atsushi!" he scolded and Atsushi's grin simply widened.

"Ah ha! Did Dōshō tell you that story about Ryuunosuke?" Tomo smiled between the couple although oblivious to the violent thoughts in Akutagawa's head.

"Yes, he did!" Atsushi joined in with his Aunt's laughter and the conversation quickly switched to Tomo bringing up how some old family photos were stashed away somewhere and she needed to show Atsushi at some point.

After hearing a minute of that foolish discussion Akutagawa excused himself and escaped to their bedroom. While not bothering to turn on a light he shrugged off his jacket and tossed it somewhere on the floor.

He locked himself in the bathroom and exhaled. So many thoughts were everywhere inside his mind. His head pounded like the thunderstorm brewing overhead.

~

When Akutagawa re-entered the bedroom Atsushi was already upstairs and sitting on his futon. He changed into an oversized sweatshirt and Akutagawa surveyed the room to spot one cup of tea on the nightstand near Atsushi and another one on the desk.

The lamp on their nightstand was turned on and its orange glow created a pleasant atmosphere from how dark it was outside.

Atsushi was looking at something on his phone but glanced up once he noticed Akutagawa and placed it face down beside him.

"Hey," Atsushi greeted and Akutagawa nodded in response.

He tried to ignore how Atsushi's gaze followed him while he headed over to the desk. Wisps of steam floated above the cup and a pleasant chill ran through him as he held the drink in his hands.

Akutagawa took a sip. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"Everything."

"Everything?" Atsushi echoed and scratched the bottom of his face. "What do you mean?"

"I...don't know what to make of you, Jinko."

Akutagawa's eyes were glued down to his tea, refusing to meet Atsushi's relenting stare. He was uncertain what he was actually spewing right now, and for what he knew could be speaking pure nonsense.

His mind was hazy and the weather outside was affecting his sense of logic.

Atsushi scoffed lightly. "I could say the same about you, Akutagawa."

"What do you mean?" Akutagawa asked this time.

"Well, I've been meaning to ask." Atsushi pointed to where Akutagawa's belongings were organized on the desk. "Do you actually write?"

Akutagawa opened his mouth and then closed it. He flicked his eyes to his black notebook tucked in between a few novels.

He shot Atsushi with a non-heated glare. "You make it seem like I'm a liar."

At least he was gratified that Atsushi didn't try snooping through his belongings if the opportunity ever arose.

"I mean," Atsushi hoisted himself off the ground and began waving his arms. "I just assumed you picked a random aspiration for this whole act! I don't actually work at a publishing house with you." He paused when he spotted something on the desk. "Oh cool, is that custom?"

Akutagawa followed Atsushi's line of vision and made a verbal 'ah'.

"That was a birthday gift from Gin," Akutagawa said. He placed his drink down and picked up the pen that caught Atsushi's attention.

His full name was etched in silver while the pen itself was two toned black wood with a gold nib and plating. Gin found the gift in an antique shop during one of her abroad missions in Europe and found someone to engrave his name on it, along with the rosewood gift box it came with.

"It's a fountain pen," he added and twiddled the writing device between his thumb and pointer finger. "I prefer them over ballpoint ones."

Atsushi inched closer and stared at the item with awe. "What's the difference?"

"One is simply far more superior."

Atsushi made a face. "Very funny."

"I try," Akutagawa retorted as he continued to twirl the fountain pen. His thoughts began to stray to the last piece he was writing and suddenly the pen fell from his grasp.

He winced when it clattered on the wooden floors but thankfully nothing seemed to chip. He reached down to pick it up when Atsushi's hand bumped against his and they jolted away from each other.

Atsushi's face went red. "Sorry!"

"N-no worries," Akutagawa muttered while he rubbed his hand and placed the pen back on the desk.

Atsushi's head began to spin. In fact he missed most of what Akutagawa was saying and watched his mouth moving but he couldn't hear a thing. His eyes shifted from the other's lips and back to his eyes and then—

Akutagawa waved a hand in front of him.

"Jinko."

He pulled at his collar. "...Uh, yeah?"

"Are you hearing a word I'm speaking right now?"

"O-of...course," Atsushi affirmed and Akutagawa shook his head before sliding his notebook out from the bookshelf.

"What I write is mostly gibberish or random notes in Spanish," Akutagawa explained and tilted the notebook to show Atsushi translations he practiced in the past. "So I can't really say I qualify as a writer. But, I suppose I will dabble in some poetry from time to time."

"Poetry?"

Akutagawa hummed and flipped a few more pages in. He debated what was appropriate to share and eventually found an older piece he wrote before the summer.

"Here," Akutagawa held the notebook out to Atsushi and the other's eyes widened.

"Are you sure?"

Akutagawa laughed faintly. "Yes, Jinko."

Atsushi glanced between him and the book but eagerly took it as giddiness coursed through him. He almost couldn't believe Akutagawa entrusted him with it although after reconciliation it's not completely out of the ordinary.

The notebook was obviously well-used with a good handful of paper torn out and the spine was splitting slightly at its hinges.

On the page he was on there were faint marks caused by too much pressure of his pen from previous pages. Atsushi sucked in a breath when he read Akutagawa's poem. The piece was untitled.

~

Where the moonlight never dared to breathe;

checkmated by life and drenched inside a red sea,

pale hands reached forward despite the pressures

of congested fragility, submerged down by distractions

where reparation never failed to impede the unlucky...

while precious luxury ticked by—surprisingly too sultry—

as they tried to escape cryptic lies of not wanting to be alive,

yet got caught between lapses of flimsy pleas for dignity

beyond their vermilion artistry, with both wins and defeat

draped over their body—longing for a steady heartbeat.

~

Silence seeped between the pair as Atsushi continued to stare at the words sprawled across the paper. He looked up when Akutagawa coughed and spotted a faint blush on the other's face.

"Uhm...what do you think?" Akutagawa fiddled with his sleeves. Atsushi glanced briefly at the poem in his hands once more.

"That...that was beautiful."

"You believe so?"

"Truly," Atsushi smiled. "I'm surprised you don't actually publish."

Akutagawa shrugged but his expression softened. "It's an activity I simply partake in. But I thank you, for your words."

"Of course."

The bold letters of Chōkōdō Shujin (澄江堂主人) danced across Atsushi's eyes and made him recall another instance of writing he technically wasn't supposed to see when they weren't on good terms with each other.

"Hey, Akutagawa, what did you write that one time—" Atsushi started when his finger accidentally slid against the smooth edge of the paper—"Ouch!" He hissed and placed his hand against his mouth.

Akutagawa winced. "Papercut?"

Atsushi nodded as he analyzed his hand. Swiftly Akutagawa opened the top drawer of the desk and pulled out a small first aid kit. He reached for Atsushi's hand but he flinched away.

"Jinko, hold still!"

"I'm okay! A band-aid isn't going to do much. It's seriously just small paper cut and I—"

"Please shut up and let me take care of you." Akutagawa guided Atsushi to his futon and sat him down. "You clumsy fool." He opened the band-aid with his teeth while he gently pressed his thumb in the other's palm and wrapped the bandage over Atsushi's injury.

"It's really okay...I've been through way worse," Atsushi muttered more to himself than anything but that didn't stop Akutagawa from frowning.

"...What do you mean by that?"

"I mean..." Atsushi's voice quivered and bit his lip. "Just because you have the ability to heal doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt."

Akutagawa stiffened and his frown deepened when Atsushi began to shake. Without a second thought he continued to caress Atsushi's hand. He coughed before he asked what's been wandering in his mind for a while.

For what could be the culprit of Atsushi's selfless motivation even in life versus death situations.

"Are you ever curious?" he asks.

Atsushi furrowed his eyebrows. "About what?"

"Your family."

"Not really." Atsushi's face became unreadable. He didn't have to think twice about that. "I only ever really knew the orphanage as one, and it's hard to miss someone you never even met. Especially if they didn't care in the first place. Or maybe they did? I-I don't know. They must've had their reasons to leave me there at such a young age. I can't even recall what they look like."

"I...can understand." Akutagawa settled himself on the futon beside Atsushi with their knees almost touching. "Society is too cruel to younger minds. Feeding on their innocence."

"Yeah, that's true...when you put it that way." Atsushi placed his hand underneath his chin. "It's kinda strange how I had a similar conversation with a friend back at home. And ironically, she hated my guts when we first met too."

"That definitely makes two of us," Akutagawa replied and then let Atsushi's words sink in. "You say 'she'? Do you mean Kyouka?"

"Oh? No, I mean our friend Lucy who the Agency took in after the Guild disbanded. She grew up in an orphanage too and despised me initially thinking I had it better than her, but we both realized how similar we were despite our differences."

"I see..."

"We're on good terms now though!" Atsushi added and forced out a chuckle. "I had an earful of her ranting when we saw each other again after we defeated Fitzgerald on the Moby Dick."

"You two seem close." Akutagawa blurted out, "Are you interested in her?"

Atsushi looked taken back by the question and Akutagawa crossed his arms. "I don't mean anything odd. I-it's...fine if you did want to. It's not like we're exclusively a couple and I have no right to say anything on the matter of your tastes—" He clamped his mouth shut when Atsushi snickered.

"And then imagine me walking down the street with her in my arms and accidentally running into your family. What a scandal that would make!"

Akutagawa blinked and spluttered, "I-I suppose." His body flushed by how carelessly he rambled over this topic.

"Well, I mean she's pretty but I don't believe I'm interested in dating her...if that's what you're implying." Atsushi locked his gaze with Akutagawa's while he wrapped his arms around himself. "I also think sunsets are pretty and you can't date those...I don't really know what loving a person would feel like either."

And here he was, with Akutagawa, the least romantic person he knew as his fake fiancé.

This relationship of theirs was short termed anyway but he was content that maybe they could be friends from now on by how casually they were talking right now.

Akutagawa must like someone at the very least.

The word he spotted in Akutagawa's notebook a few weeks ago resurfaced. While the other man was silent, that didn't stop Atsushi's thoughts from getting louder and instead a very urgent question popped into his mind.

"Have you ever..." Atsushi trailed off.

Akutagawa narrowed his eyes. "Have I what?"

"Have you...ever kissed anyone before?"

"Oh."

"You have?" Atsushi sat up straighter with wide eyes.

Definitely not, Akutagawa answered in his head. 

His eyes wandered around the room, unable to look at Atsushi.

"I uh...don't..." Akutagawa coughed. "I don't quite comprehend why you're asking me that."

He just came to realize his feelings for Atsushi but he didn't even begin to comprehend any physical actions when it came to courting someone.

Was he even trying to court the weretiger?

Atsushi fidgeted with his hands. "I don't know..."

"You're asking the wrong person about this."

"I know!" Atsushi's face began to go red. "Forget it. It's stupid."

"It's not stupid." Akutagawa flicked Atsushi's nose and held back a smirk when it earned him a huff of annoyance. His gaze lingered on the man. "Are you alright?"

"I don't know..." Atsushi said again.

Akutagawa sighed before slowly raising his hand to brush the back of it against Atsushi's cheek. He shuddered. A collision of pleasant and chilling emotions coursed through him all at once as cold fingertips sent fireworks across the other's warm skin.

"Atsushi," Akutagawa rasped out, feeling compelled to lean in closer when those sunset eyes met his grey ones but immediately zapped out of the drunken haze when Atsushi's phone began to ring.

They both jumped at the sudden high-pitched sound and Akutagawa bumped his elbow on the desk's leg.

"Ouch, are you okay?" Atsushi's forehead creased with concern but Akutagawa shook his head.

"I'm fine. Answer the phone."

Atsushi mouthed 'sorry' as he scrambled to grab his phone and multiple voices rang throughout the room. A woman's voice shrieked from the other line and Atsushi jumped when Rashōmon bristled in Akutagawa's sweater.

"No, no, Tanizaki-kun, he's just—Oh finally! The call went through...Atsushi-kun!"

Atsushi gave Akutagawa another apologetic smile before placing the phone against his ear. "Er...Yosano-san, how are you?"

"I should really be asking you that young man," Yosano drawled and he heard the rolling wheels of a chair squeak on the other end, then some shuffling of papers. "Considering you disappeared on a mission out of nowhere the past month. Fukuzawa wouldn't budge no matter how much we pried. Ranpo might know but even he refused to say. Such prudes."

Atsushi laughed, "I'm doing alright, I'm safe." For now, he thought as Akutagawa's expression began to sour. "The mission isn't too bad. Just time...err, sensitive."

"That's a huge relief!" Yosano exclaimed. "Glad the mafia didn't kidnap you like Tanizaki-kun guessed."

"I—y-yeah. That would've been horrible." Atsushi watched Akutagawa glower at him from where he sat with crossed arms and legs on the floor like a little kid.

It was kinda cute.

Wait, what?

Atsushi shook away the idea and focused on the phone call with Yosano.

"For sure," Yosano agreed. "It's the same as usual here I must say too. Except one thing, which is the main reason I called." Atsushi picked up the seriousness in the other's voice and gripped his phone tighter.

"What is it, Yosano-san?"

"We need you to return to the agency as soon as possible. There's been an emergency."

"W-what do you mean? Is everyone okay?"

"Oh? Everyone is fine." There was a loud slam and a scream heard over the line. Yosano sighed, "Except, maybe not Kunikida-kun."

Tanizaki muttered beside Yosano, "Dear God, he's about to blow a fuse."

Atsushi pinched the bridge of his nose. "Yosano-san, what happened?"

Kunikida bellowed from across the office, "I am going to kill Dazai!"

"Dazai-san?" Annoyance stabbed Atsushi's neck. He cringed when Akutagawa's expression perked up at the name."What about him?"

Yosano took a deep breath. "He, well um, escaped...prison."

"WHAT?!

Chapter Text

“ You are the knife I turn inside myself; that is love. That, my dear, is love.” ~ Franz Kafka (Letters to Milena)

Hasta La Vista:

Akutagawa glanced at his watch for the third time within the hour and couldn’t help but dwell on why the weretiger hadn't responded back to his text message.

>>>

7:58 AM

Akutagawa: Safe travels.

Message delivered.

>>>

He drummed his fingers on the kitchen table as his nerves heightened and the teacup beside him rattled slightly.

Did he get in an accident?

He held back a sigh as he leaned backwards on the chair and glared at the ceiling. He should’ve asked for an arrival update.

The sun has already sunk far into the horizon and Akutagawa has heard nothing from the other.

What if Atsushi was kidnapped by another organization?!

Last night Atsushi booked a train ticket to Yokohama immediately after the sudden emergency call with the Armed Detective Agency. Akutagawa didn’t know what to say when Atsushi told him about Dazai’s escapade either.

To his dismay he didn’t even know Dazai was in jail in the first place! Last time he heard of his ex-mentor’s whereabouts was when the ADA received an award from the Ministry of Justice and practically the entire country praised them for the achievement.

Nevertheless, Akutagawa was apprehensive for Atsushi to go back alone for the sake of Dazai’s own problem but Atsushi reasoned with him that their engagement would seem suspicious if they both left. He needed to help his co-workers.

After some more disputing they ended up devising the plan to explain to his aunt and uncle how Atsushi needed to deliver an important manuscript for a publishing house event. He “forgot” to give it to their boss prior to the trip so he needed to return home.

And thankfully his family bought the story.

He recalled their conversation hours ago when his family dropped him off at the train station.

~

“It’s just a few days,” Atsushi assured them while Tomo fussed over if he remembered everything he needed. “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be back!”

“Just be safe, that’s all. Good luck with work.” Dōshō patted him on the shoulder while wrangling Ume’s leash with his other hand.

“Thank you, Dōshō-san.” Atsushi waved down at Ume as she stared up at him with her wide doe-like eyes. “I’ll see you soon as well!”

Just then the train station’s intercom announced Atsushi’s train was arriving and he adjusted his bag over his shoulder. He prepared to head towards the station’s lineup platforms when Akutagawa grabbed his sleeve.

“Hey.” Akutagawa averted his gaze when Atsushi locked eye contact. “Remember to call me.”

“I will,” Atsushi smiled. He was about to turn away again but then spontaneously leaned forward and gave Akutagawa a peck on the cheek.

The action stunned both men but Atsushi managed to hide his nerves with a chuckle. “G-goodbye, dear.”

Akutagawa stood there dumbfounded, unable to formulate a response when Atsushi disappeared through the crowd. He lingered as long as he could, watching the train tracks even after Atsushi boarded and returned back to Yokohama.

~

Of course Akutagawa’s melancholy carried over with him all the way the drive back to his aunt and uncle’s house and continued to sulk in the kitchen.

He pressed the back of his hand to his face as embarrassment tingled his entire body and replayed Atsushi’s actions in his head again and again.

“He’s such a fool,” Akutagawa murmured.

He clicked on his phone again and gritted his teeth when he saw his text message still wasn’t read yet.

~

Meanwhile in Yokohama:

A shaky breath rattled through Atsushi. He faltered on the sidewalk while other civilians maneuvered around him but he couldn’t bring himself to move.

He was a few blocks away from the Agency but the closer he got the more his stomach twisted. 

Being back in Yokohama without Akutagawa was strange. 

He just couldn’t shake this unusual feeling off of him.

Somehow the air was different. The humidity was low because of how much rain there's been. He was able to comfortably wear his hoodie without sweltering; a pleasant rarity when it was almost August.

Yet the absence of Akutagawa in this city challenged his sense of humility.

He could so easily not go back to Fukuoka.

Nothing besides his life was on the line as long as he ensured he wouldn’t cross paths with Akutagawa.

He could walk straight into the Agency’s office and return to whatever was considered normal with the week’s turn of events; return to his dorm later tonight and have dinner with Kyouka.

But that’s not what he promised to do.

Atsushi couldn’t betray— or hurt —Akutagawa’s family.

The grip on his bag tightened. He wouldn’t be able to forgive himself if he abandoned his promises just like that.

His brain went on autopilot and eventually trudged his way up to the entrance of their office. Muffled conversations were heard behind the door.

His phone buzzed and glanced down to notice he missed a few messages from Akutagawa.

Atsushi was about to send a quick message back when the door to the Agency burst open and he stumbled backwards. 

“Shut up! If I hear your voice for one second longer I swear I’m going to—!” Kunikida’s rage dissipated when he almost slammed into Atsushi. His superior straightened his shoulders and adjusted his glasses. “Oh, Atsushi-kun? You’re here already?”

A moment later Dazai’s head popped up into view behind Kunikida from across the office. And Atsushi wished he never left Fukuoka in the first place when he saw the shit-eating grin plastered on Dazai’s face.

Atsushi groaned and wanted to crawl away and hide.

Dazai waved his hand high in the air. “Atsushi-kun!! Sigma-kun said hello!” He lifted himself off his desk and sauntered over. 

Kunikida wearily moved aside so Dazai could stand beside him.

Atsushi’s pulse dropped when his phone buzzed again in his hand and shoved it into his pocket.

Dazai’s grin grew wider, showing some of his teeth. “Why do you have such a sullen look? Aren’t you glad to see me?”

“Well, I—” he started.

“I’m definitely not,” Kunikida grunted and it looked like a vein was about to burst on his forehead when Dazai feigned offense.

“Kunikida-kun, you’re so mean!”

Kunikida gritted his teeth and raised his fist but resisted striking the other man. He took a deep breath and turned towards Atsushi. “The others are inside. The President and Yosano-sensei had to step out momentarily with a client to help us deal with this Rock-for-Brains if you needed to speak with him.”

Atsushi exhaled while he nodded. He didn’t know to be relieved he didn’t have to face the director right away since he knew where Atsushi has been the past month. Yet encountering Dazai wasn’t any better.

After another somewhat failed attempt to get underneath Kunikida’s skin Dazai returned to his desk after Kunikida yelled “To him alone” and went packages downstairs.

Atsushi followed behind Dazai shortly afterwards.

Once Atsushi sat down at his desk Tanizaki bombarded him with questions asking how he's been and Kyouka and Kenji both greeted him with a tight hug.

Atsushi caught Ranpo staring at him from afar but he quickly averted eye contact. He didn’t need more reasons to be nervous.

Why was he even called back? 

His eyes darted across the office. Everything seemed as normal as it could be even with Kunikida’s blood pressure skyrocketing from Dazai’s presence.

Although one could argue he was always doing something he shouldn't. It’s the reason he was arrested in the first place.

Dazai got in trouble with authorities for trespassing sometime around the time he left for Fukuoka. And Kyouka did debrief him via text messages but he’s been so focused on the fake engagement with Akutagawa’s family it slipped his mind.

“Dazai-san?” Atsushi said and the brunette hummed while he spun around in circles on his chair. His eyes twitched. “Why are you here?” 

Atsushi jumped when Kunikida slammed a huge stack of papers on the desk. Dazai didn’t seem phased and continued spinning.

Kunikida tsked. “We’ve been asking the same question. He wouldn’t say a word about it since he came crawling back here yesterday. The amount of paperwork we have to file now is ridiculous!”

“Now, now Kunikida-kun, there’s no need to shout.” Dazai waved his hand in a dismissive manner.

Ranpo piped up from his spot by the window, “Dazai just wanted Atsushi-kun here.” He unwrapped a piece of candy and plopped it in his mouth.

“Okay, but YOU WERE ON BAIL? If you just waited while we sorted everything out—” Kunikida rubbed his temples—“I don’t understand why you thought you could just waltz out of the damn place.”

“You guys were taking so long.” Dazai dug the back of his shoe on the ground to stop his chair. “And the security guards there were so unprofessional! It was so easy to swipe the keys off of the one.”

“What the hell did you get arrested for again?” Atsushi asked before Kunikida exploded into another rant.

Dazai’s expression lit up. “I was exploring haikyo to find the perfect altitude of the city for—”

“And as expected he got caught,” Kunikida interjected and Dazai pouted.

“Whoops.” 

(A/N: haikyo = ruins in Japanese so that basically means abandoned buildings)

Atsushi found himself side-eyeing every person in the room. His hands clenched at his sides, unable to believe he left Fukuoka for this disarray of foolish behavior.

He almost laughed out loud thinking how Akutgawa would react in the situation.

He would probably just glare at everyone from a random corner of the room.

The stifled noise caught Dazai’s attention and Atsushi forced himself not to react.

Dazai cocked his head to the side. “Say, Atsushi-kun?”

“Uh, yes?”

“Where have you been the past month?”

Well, shit.

Atsushi suddenly sensed a lot of stares on him and racked his brain for a credible answer. He had a whole train ride to figure this out and he got nothing.

“I..I’ve been on a mission,” he croaked out.

He was swept up in a fake relationship with Akutagawa.

“Oh, really?” Dazai thumbed through the first few pages of paperwork between their desks. “I don’t recall any written reports on non-local ones.”

“Since when do you actually read those?”

“Atsushi-kun! I’m not a total slacker which you all make me out to be!”

Atsushi grimaced. “I can’t say I agree.”

“Yeah, you literally dump more work on him by not finishing your reports,” Tanizaki said and Dazai placed a hand over his heart.

“Ah! I’m wounded by both of you.”

The addition of Tanizaki in the conversation thankfully shifted the full center of attention off of Atsushi and he sank farther into his seat.

He resisted covering his ears with his hands and attempted to drown them out when they began discussing how bad the food in prison was.

A sudden flash of red caught his attention and turned to see Kyouka sitting closer. She didn’t look at him though as her eyes stayed on Dazai and Tanizaki.

“You okay?” Her meek voice was no louder than a mere whisper.

Atsushi’s composure almost cracked right then and now and he had the urge to tell her everything but held back his tongue. Now wasn’t the place to mention Akutagawa or any details of his trip.

“Yes,” he sighed. “I’m okay. Let’s get some crepes on the way home.”

Kyouka answered him with a small smile.

There was a lot to catch up on tonight.

About an hour later the President returned to the office with Yosano.

The names Sakaguchi Ango and Mushitaro Oguri began floating amongst the room and Atsushi suspected Dazai’s predicament would be handled rather swiftly. He almost felt bad by how much Dazai’s face paled when the Ango guy specifically was mentioned.

Once the ruckus eased to the usual antics of a “work” day the President called Atsushi into his office.

His mouth almost fell open when Fukuzawa apologized for interrupting his “family affairs” due to these unforeseen circumstances. Fukuzawa further explained Atsushi only was called back to Yokohama just in case Dazai’s actions caused more conflict with other ability groups. 

A flash of Akutagawa’s face entered his mind and he wondered what the Port Mafia even knew about this.

The pure look of astonishment on his partner’s face when they both found out that Dazai escaped was a surprise.

He blinked out of his daze when he realized he didn’t react to the President’s words and sputtered out an appreciation of thanks.

Why did he suddenly think of Akutagawa?

His boss gave him a once over before dismissing him and suddenly he was more confused than before he traveled over here. A million questions buzzed on the tip of his tongue unsure whether he wanted to ask them to himself or someone who at least knew why he was in Fukuoka.

At least one of the positives of being back temporarily was he finally managed to talk to Yosano about his poor eyesight.

She wasn't fully qualified as an optometrist but she recommended some reading glasses that he could pick up at a drugstore for the time being.

And if his eyesight worsened, he could always give her a call.

The entire time he anticipated someone else asking him about where he’s been the past month but no one seemed interested. Apparently buying the whole fake mission story Fukuzawa conspired.

Atsushi managed to survive the rest of the work day without a hassle and said his goodbyes to everyone.

Kyouka waited for him by the door and started their usual walk home together. 

The streets were quiet this evening and Atsushi was grateful to relinquish this normal part of his daily routine he missed so much while in Fukuoka.

They stopped at a crepe stand near the entrance of Chinatown and he smiled when Kyouka’s eyes lit up at the sight of the sugary dessert. She picked out a strawberry one and he felt her gaze on him as he picked out his own crepe flavor.

Kyouka nibbled at the top of her crepe as Atsushi put his wallet back in his pocket and she narrowed her eyes.

She continued to stare at him as they continued the trek back at their apartment.

“Uh…what is it, Kyouka-chan?”

“Are you wearing a ring he gave you?” she asked.

“Who?” Atsushi glanced at his hand. “Oh…” Akutagawa. He hesitated but eventually nodded. “I forgot to take this off before arriving in the city.”

“It’s pretty.” 

“I-I guess so.” 

She giggled softly, “I hope the others didn’t notice it.”

“God, I hope not,” Atsushi groaned and took a bite of his crepe. The sweetness reminded him of the cake icing he tried at Kobito’s with Akutagawa. "I don't know how I would even explain myself."

Wait…

Wasn't there something else about Akutagawa…? His thoughts trailed off.

Atsushi’s stomach dropped. “AH crap!” Kyouka flinched at his sudden outburst and could feel her confused stare on him as he scrambled for his phone. “I knew I forgot something earlier...”

~

Back in Fukuoka:

Akutagawa immediately perked up when his phone vibrated. He closed his notebook and practically threw himself across the room, managing to catch a glimpse of the notification before the screen turned off.

He sucked in a breath when the name Tiger-skin flashed before his eyes.

>>>

6:45 PM

Tiger-skin: Hey Akutagawa! ^-^ So sorry for the late reply. Got caught up with work drama :/ 

I’ll try to call you later after Kyouka and I watch a movie. Say hi to Ume-chan for me!

>>>

Akutagawa stared wordlessly as he read over Atsushi’s text message, relieved the other was even alive. He wanted to call him that very moment but he restrained himself from doing so. Not wanting to appear desperate .

He took a deep breath and glanced at the clock on the bedroom dresser.

He’s strong enough to wait a little longer.

Chapter Text

"Day and night, at random, I live a life that is apt to be desultory and dreamy, awaiting the coming of something inconceivable;… I seem to live awaiting always a beloved who never comes..." ~ Akutagawa Ryuunosuke ("The Faith of Wei Sheng” from The Beautiful and the Grotesque)

Hasta La Vista (Part 2):

After ordering take-out Kyouka and Atsushi finally started their movie night to conclude his eventful day back in Yokohama. The sight of their near-empty apartment was more welcoming than he expected while being back home.

Even if it was short-lived, experiencing this type of normalcy again made Atsushi appreciate it so much more than before.

Maybe he’ll splurge on some decor after summertime is over.

After Atsushi prepared a pot of tea, he walked into the living room where Kyouka compiled every single pillow and blanket they owned into a heaping fort in front of the TV.

He placed the tray of food and tea on the ground in front of them as he settled into the mountain of pillows.

“I hope it hasn’t been too quiet here while I’ve been gone,” Atsushi said while handing Kyouka a pair of chopsticks.

“No. Yosano-san and Kenji-kun have been keeping me company!”

While away in Fukuoka Atsushi always had a twinge of guilt when he remembered about Kyouka back at home. He knew she could handle herself but knowing she was in good hands with the agency eased his trepidations. 

Tonight was Kyouka’s turn to pick a film and she chose a high school romcom she'd been anticipating to show Atsushi.

He scooted forward to grab the TV remote and the small screen flickered on.

Their television set definitely wasn’t the most high quality one out there to exist. A better sound system needed to be installed and could use a new antenna. But it was enough for Kyouka and himself to enjoy movie nights like these. 

The movie followed a girl who wrote letters to every crush she ever had, and ended up being in the middle of a lot of misunderstandings when they were somehow mailed out. His first impression of the film was it was light-hearted with the usual dose of teenage angst.

Even though he could barely relate to any of it, he found it amusing.

In the middle of the movie though Atsushi found himself irked by how oblivious the two main leads were despite their feelings for each other.

“Is the male lead really this dense?” he whispered during an apparently important scene because Kyouka just shushed him, insisting he should just watch and see what happens.

He managed to stay quiet until the next pivotal moment when the neighbor suddenly confessed to the main character in front of the love interest.

“Kyouka-chan, these guys are so bad at communicating! Almost as frustrating to deal with as—” Atsushi bit his tongue when he realized he interrupted again. He expected Kyouka to scold him again but instead she turned towards him.

“Like who?” she asked.

“Uhm…”

The faint colors of the movie in the background danced across Kyouka’s face and the walls. Atsushi forced himself not to squirm underneath her intense stare.

“Atsushi-kun?”

“Well, er…like…” He scratched his chin while he attempted to think. “...A-akutagawa.”

Kyouka’s eyes widened ever so slightly and for a moment Atsushi could only hear white noise. He mentally winced, unsure why he felt self-conscious to vocalize the other’s name out loud.

“I see,” Kyouka noted. The corner of her mouth twitched slightly as she turned back to the TV and Atsushi sighed into his hands.

“Kyouka-chan! Please don’t get the wrong idea!”

She shrugged while munching on some popcorn. “I said nothing.”

Atsushi wanted to refute but he knew it was useless. Especially with Kyouka who was too smart for her age and he also didn’t want to discuss his “relationship” with Akutagawa (of all people) with her either.

They continued watching the film and he tried to focus on keeping quiet. Thankfully the conflict resolved nicely between the two leads in the end and by the time the credits started rolling he was almost nodding off.

Atsushi stood up to stretch and saw Kyouka had already fallen asleep. Her stuffed rabbit tucked tightly in her arms.

He cleared the dishes and re-organized the pillows and blankets, careful not to wake up Kyouka when he laid her down on her rolled out futon nearby.

He yawned as his eyes swept across the room and their hanging wall clock caught his attention.

“Almost nine-thirty,” Atsushi muttered. The day was a blur.

He supposed he should give Akutagawa a call now before it got too late.

~

Fukuoka:

A cool pleasant breeze traveled through the backyard where the Akutagawa family was spending time on the patio. Dangling tree lights lit up the area and displayed like dancing stars within the swaying branches.

After they concluded dinner everyone decided to enjoy the evening with some sake outside.

The air was still crisp from the fresh rainfall from yesterday night and soothed Akutagawa’s asthmatic lungs.

He initially wanted to hermit himself away in his bedroom for the night but the lack of Atsushi’s presence made the house too quiet for him to enjoy the solitude. So he decided to join the rest of his family outdoors.

Although Gin was the one who mainly conversed with their Aunt and Uncle while he occupied himself with his notebook. She chatted about a magazine she borrowed from Dōshō’s study and inquired about a shop nearby related to it.

Akutagawa didn’t mind that he wasn’t fully in the conversion, relishing in simply being with his family. Especially since peaceful moments like these tend to be so short-lived for Gin and himself.

Part of it was his fault.

But he shook away any hindering thoughts. It wasn’t easy being part of the Port Mafia and it sure wouldn’t be easy leaving it either.

If they ever decided to , he mused to himself.

With a heavy sigh he glanced at what he wrote so far on the current page in his notes.

A fluttering sensation bloomed inside his chest when an image of Atsushi's mesmerized expression resurfaced when he re-read his own poem.

Akutagawa never imagined himself sharing his writing to anyone else; perfectly fine with it all to be hidden away between his random ramblings.

But just like he’s been learning from this trip abroad, Atsushi compelled him in ways he couldn’t articulate. He felt the need to learn more about the other and Akutagawa found it almost natural to tell Atsushi things he never vocalized before.

His phone buzzing snapped him out of his thoughts and swiftly took it out of his jacket’s pocket.

A sharp gasp escaped him when Atsushi’s contact lit up his screen, suddenly speculating if some external psychological entity existed.

As if the notion of thinking about Atsushi manifested the opportunity itself.

Akutagawa jolted when he realized he was just gaping and fumbled with the device.

He cleared his throat before placing the phone by his ear. “Hello?”

“Akutagawa!”

Atsushi’s voice came through the phone so loud Akutagawa nearly dropped the device on the concrete. With some sense of sanity left in him, he placed his thumb on the speaker and turned down the volume.

He grimaced when Atsushi called him by his surname again when he didn’t reply right away.

“Ah…Atsushi…m-my dear.” Akutagawa ran his fingers through his hair. He flicked his eyes over to his Aunt and Uncle who sat a few feet away from him. “How are you? How's the book signing?”

“Book signing? What book—?” Atsushi began questioning and Akutagawa cut him off.

“Going well?” He rose from his chair and mouthed ‘excuse me’ to his family. “How wonderful to hear.”

Gin gave him a knowing look which he brushed off while he rushed inside.

And Akutagawa thanked whatever God existed for never using the speakerphone feature in his life. His phone’s connection cut in and out as he moved throughout the house and static filled his ears.

“Stupid,” Akutagawa huffed while trekking up the stairs.

“Uh, did you just call me an idiot?”

“No. But you are one.”

“Am not!”

“Yes you are, fool!” Akutagawa hissed into the phone. He unclenched his fists once he finally escaped to their bedroom and shut the door behind him. “Our covers could’ve been revealed just now!”

“Well, I wasn’t the one who accidentally turned on FaceTime.”

“I did what—? Oh…” Warmth flooded Akutagawa’s face when he was met with Atsushi’s on the phone. “My bad.”

Atsushi’s camera shook slightly while he reframed himself and Akutagawa squinted at the dark blurry pixels.

“Jinko, are you in a closet?” He coughed into his hand, hoping it was dim enough in the room so the camera didn’t pick up him blushing.

Atsushi seemed caught off guard by Akutagawa’s question and banged his head on what looked like the ceiling.  “Ow—!” Black filled the screen until Atsushi picked up his phone again and Akutagawa was able to see his frizzy hair and bewildered expression again. “Ah yeah, I am. Kyouka sleeps in the main room so I stay in here.”

“How decent of you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing.” Akutagawa waved him off while he settled down at the desk and leaned his phone against some books. He held back a chuckle when Atsushi simply shook his head.

Atsushi mumbled some unintelligible words and added, “I really don’t get you sometimes.”

“I never said you needed to try.”

“Maybe I want to try.”

Akutagawa opened his mouth to say something back. Another sarcastic remark just on the tip of his tongue but Atsushi’s expression looked pretty serious.

A wave of both familiarity and unfamiliarity crashed down on Akutagawa and his mind short circuited.

“Uh…” He struggled to collect his thoughts. Even when Atsushi wasn’t physically present he still managed to catch him off guard with his unwavering assertions. As rare as they were a month ago. “T-thanks for remembering to call,” he managed to say.

“I keep my promises too.” A smile fell on Atsushi’s lips and Akutagawa wished he could’ve seen it better instead of on his tiny phone.

“How,” he coughed. “How were your uhm, co-workers ?” Akutagawa said the last word with slight hesitation. Feeling out of place to inquire about another organization that had nothing to do with him.

Atsushi exhaled noisily and his camera shook again. “You mean Dazai-san specifically? Because everyone else was as sane as they normally are. I mean, I guess Ranpo-san kept staring at me all day and Kunikida-san’s blood pressure is higher than usual because other ability-users got involved now but—” Atsushi paused to catch his breath. “The situation seems to be under control. Dazai-san gets sent back to jail tomorrow or the day after until Ango-san can sort out the issue. Something about erasing him from the court system.”

Ango?  

The name struck a chord and Akutagawa recalled the distant time when Dazai was still in the Port Mafia. 

Dazai was always seen with two other PM members and when he disappeared without a trace those same two people did as well.

Akutagawa had forgotten about them until this moment.

Ango Sakaguchi and Oda Sakunosuke.

The rusty cogs in his memory from that turbulent time turned and realization clicked as to why Ango suddenly appeared in the picture again. Akutagawa muttered to himself in disbelief.

“That bastard.”

“What?” Atsushi leaned closer to the camera. “Who?”

“This Ango-san you speak of was the one who helped Dazai leave the Port Mafia!” Akutagawa almost laughed as the facts sunk in. “That man has ties to the Special Divisions unit in Japan, doesn’t he?”

Atsushi nodded as he seemed to process what Akutagawa was saying. “That would make sense why he would be helping Dazai-san again.”

“He used to be in the mafia as well.”

“Oh, really? I wouldn’t have guessed that.”

“Yes,” Akutagawa agreed. “The full details were never disclosed to non-executives so I am not sure of the specifics…but there seemed to be a fallout of some sort between them back in the day.” And who knew Atsushi would be one who aided Akutagawa to make the connection.

“Huh, I wonder.” Atsushi’s eyebrows furrowed. “Dazai-san actually looked prettified when Ango-san was brought up. Is he scary?”

Akutagawa shrugged. “I do not know. I never crossed paths with Ango-san myself but he was well known until he vanished from the mafia too.”

Questions hung in the air while Akutagawa’s mind began wandering again when scratching at the bedroom door gained his attention. He leaned over the desk chair to see who it was.

“Is something wrong, Akutagawa?”

“I-I believe someone is at the door,” he whispered. “Gin?”

Akutagawa and Atsushi briefly locked eye contact again. Both completely still as if that would help the situation.

When no one answered, Akutagawa went to open the door and any tension in his body dissipated when he saw it was only Ume.

She looked up at him with wide eyes, tail wagging fast and before Akutagawa could do anything else she bolted into the room.

He stumbled backwards. “H-hey! Ume-chan he’s not here!”

The white beast ignored Akutagawa’s protests and pranced onto the bed. Turning in a circle before sitting on her hind legs. She barked twice when Akutagawa narrowed his eyes.

“Ume-chan?” Atsushi exclaimed. His voice crackled slightly from the unsteady connection. “Aww, let me see her! Can you put the phone closer?”

Ume perked up hearing Atsushi and sniffed the air in the room. 

“Are you sure?” Akutagawa scrunched his nose when Ume’s paws made imprints on the duvet. “She might try to bite me.”

Atsushi’s laughter tickled Akutagawa’s ears. “Dogs only deliberately attack bad people.”

“That doesn’t really help my case?!”

“Well, You aren’t one so—”

The mafioso momentarily flushed at Atsushi’s comment and was relieved he wasn’t in his camera’s frame for him to witness it. Akutagawa couldn’t even see Atsushi from the angle he stood but he could tell the other had an infuriating amount of amusement in his eyes.

With a faint huff, Akutagawa trudged back to the desk to snatch his phone and held it out in front of the dog (making sure he stood at least a foot away from the bed of course).

“Here,” Akutagawa commanded. Look, you white beast.

Ume tilted her head side-to-side. Mostly focusing on Akutagawa and not Atsushi who started gushing over how cute and a good puppy she was. Ume barked in response like she understood every word Atsushi said.

“I miss you too, Ume-chan! I’ll be back in Fukuoka soon to see you.”

Akutagawa’s arm began to ache while he waited for their conversation to conclude but nevertheless found this side of Atsushi entertaining too.

For being a tiger, he’s quite the animal lover.

Their little exchange ended when Ume yawned and she decided to lay down, resting her head on her paws. Atsushi appeared to be in mid-yawn too when Akutagawa flipped his phone back around. His eyes momentarily fluttered closed.

“Are you tired?”

“Mmh?” Atsushi rubbed his eyes. “No…maybe. Sorry, the movie Kyouka and I watched took longer than expected.”

“Don’t stress about it, Jinko.”

“I wish…I had called earlier.”

Akutagawa’s heart ached hearing disappointment leak in Atsushi’s tone while he went to sit on the edge of the bed. Craving for the other to be there right beside him.

To pull him close and tell him ‘it’s okay’ .

I miss you.

Akutagawa froze when those words entered his head. His neck flushed with heat and shivered from the sensation.

His entire body tingled as he took a deep breath to try and alleviate this never ending spiral of feelings tangled up inside of him.

As Akutagawa finally managed to collect himself again he looked at his phone to find Atsushi passed out and snoring. 

“You’re such a sleepy kitten,” Akutagawa murmured out loud.

The man can sleep almost anywhere now that he thought about it.

Atsushi’s phone fell sideways but his face was so close to the screen that Akutagawa could see how his silver hair splayed across the pillow. His pale skin illuminated by his phone’s brightness.

Akutagawa’s hand hovered over the ”end call” button but stopped himself. His gaze locked onto Atsushi just for a moment longer.

“I…” 

I miss you. 

Akutagawa let out a shaky exhale, unable to say the words.

Fearing if he said anything it would shatter this blanket of security wrapped around him, severing his already fragile relationship with the weretiger.

“Goodnight, Atsushi.”

Goodnight, my love.

Chapter Text

Content Warnings: mentions of death and alcoholism.

~

“But happiness is being able to hope, however faintly, for happiness.” ~ Dazai Osamu (“On Love and Beauty” from Blue Bamboo and Other Stories)

Change My Heart:

Tomorrow.

Atsushi would return back to Fukuoka tomorrow.

Akutagawa’s heart raced while he read the weretiger’s new message in the morning. 

Bright sunlight bled through the living room’s windows and Ume rested where the sun directly hit the floor.

During Atsushi’s absence Akutagawa discovered the dog to be his new shadow.

The white beast clung to his side since yesterday, even when he shut the bedroom on her. She whimpered until he let her back inside; barging into his personal space and continued to stare him down non-stop.

Which she started doing again from across the room when Akutagawa crossed his legs on the couch. He glanced over his book to glare right back.

He sighed, “What do you want, white beast?”

Ume raised her head and tilted it. 

“Woof!”

“Yes, yes, like I understand dog,” Akutagawa responded with indifference and flipped to the next page of his book.

The weretiger might understand but he does not.

Apparently Ume didn’t find him amusing and she chuffed, getting up to stretch and scampered around the room.

As Akutagawa lifted his head to ask ‘what Ume wanted again,’ his book fell out of his hands when she jumped onto his lap.

“Ume-chan?!”

She pawed at Akutagawa’s arm and howled.

“Ume-chan!” Akutagawa scolded again while stopping her from licking his face. “What?”

At the sound of her name Ume moved to the free space on the couch and sat on her hind legs. She raised a front paw at him.

Akutagawa spared a glance at his wristwatch. “It’s been a while since Oba-san fed you breakfast, hasn’t it?”

Akutagawa stood to let Ume outside when a thought stopped him in his tracks. He recalled the backyard gate was wide open today because his uncle needed to replace the hinges. And he’s been working on the greenhouse all morning.

So Akutagawa needed her leash, right? 

Ume trailed by his sock feet while he searched the hallway and genkan. Only spotting a pair of his sister’s shoes and a box of gardening supplies.

Where did they keep her stuff?

Akutagawa was at a loss on what to do now.

He definitely did not want Ume to be a flight risk by his own hand. The dog was hyper by proxy with her reputation of jumping on people. He wouldn't be able to catch her if she dashed away from him.

He may not particularly like Ume but he was not going to give his Aunt and Uncle a reason to disown him.

He could already picture the disappointment targeted at him if anything happened to her because of him.

Ume pawed at his leg and he peered down at her.

“To be clear, I absolutely do not like you.” Akutagawa tsked while he crossed his arms.

He clamped his eyes shut, silently manifesting if he wished hard enough he would be out of this predicament.

He casted his gaze back at the dog.

Yep, she was still there.

Ume wagged her tail as she sat patiently at his feet.

The eagerness on her face was eerily similar to when Atsushi’s stubbornness came out.

Damnit, why does she remind him of the weretiger now?

And how the hell did he get stuck on dog walking duty?

He never grew up with pets so from the gecko responsibilities like this were foreign to him.

He wished Gin was here to wrangle Ume but she was still asleep upstairs. He had no idea where his aunt was and his uncle was somewhere outside.

The family pictures in the hallway must be laughing at him because of this stupidity.

Akutagawa was ready to admit defeat and if Ume went to the bathroom inside the house, she would go inside the house.

Both Akutagawa and the dog turned when the front door opened and by some miracle Dōshō strolled in. His gardening gloves were stuffed in his pants pocket and streaks of mud evident on his face.

His uncle laughed when he spotted the two.

“What on earth are you doing? Did you miss me that much?” Dōshō kneeled down to stroke Ume’s neck when she greeted him.

“I—” Akutagawa coughed. “I couldn’t find her leash.”

“Oh? It’s in the study. I must’ve accidentally left it there earlier.”

“Splendid.”

Akutagawa went to retrieve it and Dōshō had a glass of water in hand when he returned.

“You know, I’ve been meaning to show you the books in there,” his uncle said while Akutagawa fastened the leash on Ume’s collar. “When you’re done with Ume-chan, meet me there. I need to clean up before your aunt notices the mud in the house.”

“Okay.”

Akutagawa’s grip tightened on the leash when Ume started running in circles.

While she sniffed around and about in the backyard doing her business, Akutagawa let his mind wander about what Atsushi was possibly doing. He took out his phone and snapped a picture of Ume in the grass.

>>>

10:02 AM

Akutagawa: Here’s your twin.

[picture of Ume]

10:04 AM

Tiger-skin: Isn’t she adorable? :D

Akutagawa: **menace

10:05 AM

Tiger-skin: :(

She did nothing to you, meanie

Akutagawa: I don’t recall saying I was the nice guy.

10:07 AM

Tiger-skin: R u d e

>>>

A smirk twitched on Akutagawa’s mouth. He started typing a response back when his phone pinged another notification from Atsushi.

>>>

10:08 AM

Tiger-skin: SORRY GOTTA GO DAzAI-SAN IS HEADING OVER TTYL

>>>

Akutagawa puffed out his cheeks in exasperation.

Waste of bandages taking advantage of Atsushi’s time.

After he returned Ume back inside, Akutagawa got to his uncle’s office before he did. The dog followed him and she nestled in her bed tucked in the corner, while he took a seat on one of the leather arm chairs in front of his uncle’s work desk.

While the room was small, it sure didn’t stop his uncle from adding a gazillion plants across all the surfaces. Even on top of blueprint pages.

Both potted and hanging ones, Akutagawa noted as he eyed the cascade of green heart-shaped leaves situated in baskets hung near the only window in the room. 

Dark wooden shelves were mounted to the grey walls, packed to the brim with stacks and stacks of books: ranging from architecture research to literary works. Akutagawa would have to keep them in mind to read for himself in the future.

He shifted in the chair, crossing his arms and legs when behind a vase of purple orchids, a flash of gold captured his attention. He reached out to move the flowers and upon closer inspection saw a locket dangling over a framed photograph.

Akutagawa’s blood went cold.

That couldn't be—

A hand touched his shoulder and Akutagawa jolted like a cat being sprayed with water. He jerked his body around while he stood and Rashōmon hummed underneath his fingertips. His pulse pounded in his ears as he locked his blurred gaze onto his uncle.

“Oji-san?!” Akutagawa rasped out. He stumbled a bit and steadied himself by leaning his hand down on the desk.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to spook you.”

Dōshō winced when Akutagawa hacked a few coughs.

Akutagawa wiped his mouth on his sleeve. Urging himself to calm down and breathe.

Control yourself, he ordered in his head while he concentrated on reigning in his ability. He can’t afford to lash out here.

Rashōmon didn’t manifest physically yet but his body quivered from the sparking vitality coursing through him.

“H-how—” Akutagawa stammered. His mind in pieces as memories burned across his eyes. “How did you get mom’s necklace?!”

She wore it the same night she died.

His uncle sucked in a breath. “We…received it. After the accident.”

Several moments of heavy silence passed until his uncle took a step closer to him.

“Do you need water?” his uncle asked.

Akutagawa shook his head.

“Your aunt and I,” Dōshō spoke with carefulness, “We searched for you and Gin for years. We really thought you both died that night too. When we couldn’t find—” He shook his head and motioned Akutagawa to sit back down while he settled himself on his own chair.

His uncle followed his movements as Akutagawa took a seat again at the edge of the leather chair. Dōshō picked up the gold locket and the sun ray’s caught it for a fleeting second; highlighting the crescent moon carved on the front embellished with small flowers.

He held it out to Akutagawa, who wavered but eventually opened his palm to take the necklace. A thick emotion builded up in Akutagawa’s throat.

“Tomo—I mean your aunt—has been saving it to give to you.” His uncle paused when Ume scampered over and leaped on his lap.

“Saving it?” Akutagawa’s voice sounded weak. Like he was a child all over again.

“For your wedding, of course! You know how your aunt always talks about those wedding traditions like ‘wear something blue’ or ‘old’…”

His uncle’s words hit him like a blow to the head as Akutagawa emitted a small gasp. Guilt churned around inside of him, gnawing at his sense of accountability.

Something wet fell on his face and the first thought Akutagawa had was it was just a little rain.

Then reality collapsed onto him because he was inside. And the irradiant sun blinded him through the glass.

The droplets fell fast and a choked sound escaped his lips.

He realized—he was crying.

He didn’t cry when he lost his parents. He didn’t cry when he lost his companions in the slums. Nor did he cry when Dazai left the Port Mafia.

So why now?

His uncle sighed and placed his hand over his arm while Akutagawa glanced away from the locket.

“Oji-san—” Akutagawa wiped his eyes. “What about Gin? How I could—”

How could he accept this?

His engagement wasn’t even real. There wasn’t a future wedding. All his actions were a ruse for the sake of his family’s positive perception.

To not be seen as a disappointment to them.

“Well, you care about him a lot, right?” his uncle’s voice lured Akutagawa back to his senses.

He held his mother’s locket close to his chest.

A wildfire burned inside his heart but for a much different reason than he ever experienced before.

It wasn’t anger.

Because this time, it was tender.

Atsushi’s face appeared in his mind. A sunflower amongst weeds. With miles and miles stretched between them but Akutagawa’s thoughts rang with clarity.

“I do.” He does love him.

Dōshō’s eyes softened. “Your parents would’ve loved him too.”

Akutagawa couldn’t decipher his uncle’s expression. For once he felt like the prey in someone else’s spiderweb and was struggling to detangle himself from the sticky matter.

“Ah, he’s grown so much,” his uncle said to Ume as he petted the top of her head. “It feels like yesterday you were just a small kid with his head in a book all the time, Ryuunosuke.”

Akutagawa internally scoffed at the ‘kid’ comment. “You’re not an old man yet, Oji-san. Quit talking like one.”

His uncle chuckled and the melancholic atmosphere waned away the moment Akutagawa handed back the gold locket.

He shouldn’t be the one to keep it and believed Gin deserved it more. Whenever the inevitable time came for her to find someone to be with.

“So.” Akutagawa coughed into his arm. “What were these books you were talking about?”

“Oh? Here—” Dōshō maneuvered around in his chair with Ume still on his lap and grabbed a few novels on the shelf behind him.

Akutagawa took a deep breath again, blinking away any more tears threatening to leave.

Time slipped through his fingers as they discussed non-stop about Japanese and European literature until Gin appeared by the doorway.

“There you two are! Oba-san and I have been looking for you guys.”

And while Akutagawa was swept away again towards another family endeavor. His body never felt any lighter, as did his beating heart.

Tomorrow, Atsushi would return.

~

Yokohama:

By the time Atsushi left work on the second day he was back in his home city he was drained. 

He was on the verge of falling over when he kicked off his shoes in the genkan of his shared apartment with Kyouka and shook his head to alleviate some weariness.

Earlier she told him she was going to spend the night at Lucy’s place for a “girls-only” hangout so he was banned from tagging along. Which he was fine with because he didn’t think he would’ve had enough energy to socialize.

Atsushi threw his belt somewhere in the living room and trudged into the kitchen. Debating on if he was hungry enough for a bowl of chazuke and slumped down at the table. His head spun with the day’s events floating in his mind.

Dazai was scheduled to be sent back to jail tomorrow until the ADA can properly process his bail through the court system.

And while Dazai was nonchalant about the whole ordeal, Atsushi picked up how he was less talkable today. Even ignoring Kunikida’s remark how if he tried to escape again he would have Dazai be kept in a cell for eternity.

The Ango Sakaguchi-person assisting the agency showed up at the office so maybe that was the cause?

He didn't look that scary. Atsushi pondered over what past history Ango and Dazai could’ve had together.

With a tired sigh he reached into his pocket for his phone. Checking work emails to make sure he didn’t miss anything and got rid of any notifications.

Nothing else from Akutagawa though.

Atsushi scrolled through the last conversation they had and smiled at the picture of Ume. He rested his chin on his arm as he re-read a few old messages from Akutagawa. Profound on how the other never failed to be a man of many letters.

His eyelids became heavy again and he nestled more into the makeshift pillow of his arm.

He didn’t want to take a nap with more hours of daylight ahead of him.

He could be doing something else but the urge to sleep grew by the second. His head rested cozily on his arm.

Maybe a few minutes wouldn’t hurt, he reasoned with himself while he closed his eyes.

BANG!

CRASH!

Atsushi startled awake from a loud clattering noise.

He blinked multiple times to adjust his eyes to the blanket of darkness now encompassing the room.

Night had already fallen and he forgot to turn on any lights when he got home.

He reached into the blackness around him, squinting to find the light switch. When he found the living room lamp, he checked behind the couch to make sure no one was hiding behind it. And then inside the closet. 

No signs of forced entry?

Atsushi whipped his head in the direction of the living room when another crashing sound occurred. Followed by a rustling like shoes scraping against concrete.

He crept over to the windows and peeked through the blinds, spotting a tall figure leaning over the railing.

When the door swung open, the person’s head snapped in Atsushi’s direction and Atsushi was met with dazed brown eyes. 

“Ah? Atsushi-kun!” Dazai sniffled. “You’re still up?”

The apartment complex’s balcony reeked of alcohol. Atsushi turned his nose up at the sight of empty cans scattered near the other’s feet and a plastic bag filled with more liquor. Dazai held a can of beer in his right hand.

There was a brief standstill between them.

As if a curtain was pulled away, revealing Dazai in this dejected state. Atsushi bit his lip and averted his gaze.

Every instinct in his body urged him to go back inside but his feet moved on their own and scuffled over to stand beside Dazai. He shivered when a gust of wind blew through the balcony’s patio and wrapped his arms around himself.

The midnight traffic and occasional whooshing of wind filled in the silence. It was a starless night but the radiance of the moon shone overhead.

“I didn’t know you drank that stuff.” Atsushi held his breath to block the nauseating scent and Dazai quirked an eyebrow before finishing off his drink. He crushed it in his hand and tossed it on the ground.

“Only on the nights I can’t sleep.”

Dazai reached down into the plastic bag and pulled out a full bottle of amber colored liquid tinged with a rich burgundy hue. 

Cherry whiskey. Atsushi caught sight of the label in his peripheral vision.

Atsushi held back a grimace when Dazai poured it straight into his mouth. He glued his gaze to a convenience store’s red neon sign across the shared courtyard.

“…Uhm.” Atsushi cleared his throat and gave Dazai a shifty glance. “Nightmares?”

Dazai scoffed and made a motion with the glass bottle in his hand. “That’s a way to phrase it. Day and night I’m plagued by the hat rack! He would be calling me a shitty bastard by now. Gah! I can’t even rest!”

“Huh?” Hat rack?

Atsushi shifted through his memories of the strange nickname. He never heard Dazai call someone that.

“Do you mean Chuuya-san?” Atsushi blurted out the question before he could stop himself.

Dazai's eyes blew wide and for a split second seemed more sober than he presented himself. His grip on the liquor bottle loosened and Atsushi feared it would shatter to the ground. 

“Now why would I…be m-mumbling about…about that—that s-slug?” Dazai’s words slurred together. “I mean, I thought I moved on, but then Ango had to show up and have his stupid face remind me how little I had changed. The man ruined everything.”

Dazai let out a dry laugh and ducked his head down. His bangs covered his eyes.

“I’m sorry, Odasaku. I fail to see how the lighter side is better, after all…”

Another chilly draft blew through the balcony and Dazai’s shoulders tensed; lucidity wavered in his expression. 

Atsushi flinched when Dazai beamed at him. “Well, well. I must’ve sputtered you to death. I guess we should get inside before we wake anyone else—” Dazai didn’t take one full step until his legs gave out on him and Atsushi caught him by the arm. Some of the whiskey sloshed out of the bottle while their feet knocked over the cans on the ground.

“Jeez, Dazai-san!”

Atsushi grunted as he tried to pull Dazai back into a standing position but ended up laying him on the ground against his own apartment door. 

That was some positive having Dazai as his next door neighbor.

Dazai blinked a few times, swishing his head side-to-side.  “Oh. Atsushi-kun? When did you get here?”

Atsushi wanted to shake him. “Dazai-san! Why the hell did you decide to get yourself plastered tonight? You don’t want to do anything else to detain yourself again!”

Dazai pouted as he rubbed his eyes. He leaned his head against the doorframe and from this angle the moonlight casted a shadow half over his face.

“I left him behind, you know?” Dazai’s voice cracked and Atsushi didn’t need to hear the name for him to comprehend what the other meant.

This cry out of desolation was an all too familiar scene playing out in front of him.

There were many types of wounds; some nothing more than a graze or a small cut, and were able to move past it without much thought.

Then there were the types of wounds so substantial that time may not even heal them. Forced to move forward and learn how to live alongside the staggering pain. Forever internalized in memories or nightmares.

The burn scars on his abdomen were Atsushi’s daily reminder.

“Why don’t you try talking to him?” Atsushi asked.

“I tried! He put a knife to my throat!”

“That’s a better response than being ignored.”

Dazai huffed at that. “It’s been four years...he will never forgive me.”

“Keep trying until he listens. Poke him with a stick back if you need to,” Atsushi repeated Gin’s words from the time he and Akutagawa weren’t on speaking terms. “And especially don't spew any insults,” Atsushi added before Dazai could interject. The brunette chuckled.

“You’re more wise than you let on, Atsushi-kun.”

Atsushi rolled his eyes. “Gee, thanks.”

Dazai appeared to be on the edge of passing out until he locked eye contact with Atsushi again and said, “Good luck on your trip to Fukuoka.” He grinned and Atsushi’s neck flushed.

“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about…”

“Your apartment’s walls are as thin as mine.”

“What?!”

“Y-you…never…been a good liar, Atsushi-kun.” Dazai sniffled and shut his eyes. “I’m glad the two strays I found are getting along! I always felt like I was too harsh on him. He just needed someone…else. Just like myself.”

The weight of Dazai’s words hung in the air. 

“What do you—” Atsushi gritted his teeth when Dazai’s snores reverberated throughout the area. The city continued bustling in the distance. “Damn it, Dazai-san.”

What about him and Akutagawa?

Chapter Text

“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.” ~ Albert Camus

Meaning In Someone Else:

Akutagawa’s body was pinned to the ground as water rushed around him. Rain fell hard and the pellets stung his face as he stared upwards to an aphotic sky. His eyes fluttered closed as exhaustion overwhelmed him.

He was so cold.

Suddenly the rain stopped.

He peeked an eye open to find a silhouette above him.

Akutagawa could recognize that choppy haircut anywhere. The man’s strands somehow glowed silver within this dark space.

“Atsushi.”

A smile curved on Atsushi’s lips. “There you are, Ryuu.”

~

Akutagawa blinked out of his daze when Gin pulled out a chair at the kitchen table. The wooden feet scraped against the floors and Gin sat down across from him.

She nursed a cup of tea in her hands and blew on the top to cool off. The steam created small wisps of white smoke.

“How are you doing, brother?” his sister drawled. The question clearly directed at him but her nonchalant tone made it obvious she only asked out of politeness.

“Fine.”

“Is staring at the wall for twenty minutes considered ‘fine’?

Akutagawa fiddled with his coat’s sleeves. “I don’t recall doing that.”

“What about pacing the hallway for an extra hour prior?” Gin leaned forward. “You confused Ume-chan.”

Her brother gave her a hard stare. “Gin, spit out what you’re trying to say.”

“Atsushi will be here soon.” Gin took a sip of her drink and pretended not to see how Akutagawa’s face reddened.

Some pens and his notebook shifted on the table when Akutagawa crossed his arms and legs. “I-I’m not worried.”

Gin shrugged. “Never said you were.”

“Since when did you learn sarcasm?” Akutagawa scoffed. “Have you been hanging around the weretiger too much?”

Gin’s eyes glinted while she smirked. “Why? You jealous?”

“No!” Akutagawa shook his head. “I am not.” He glanced over by the window sill above the sink. The sight of the near-completed greenhouse his uncle and Atsushi had been working on could be seen through the stained glass.

“He’s just…” Akutagawa murmured and Gin tilted her head. “He should be here by now. We could’ve picked him up at the station but he insisted on getting a taxi.”

His sister giggled and Akutagawa restrained himself from lunging across the table.

“Give him a chance! The train lines didn’t even open until 5-AM,” Gin breathed. “There could’ve been a delay or something.”

“Or he died,” Akutagawa stated bluntly and Gin narrowed her eyes.

“Can you think of the positive for once?” She glanced over her shoulder and lowered her voice when she added, “You’re the one who declared killing him by the end of this trip either way.”

“Which is exactly why he should be here by now!” he replied back, worry slipped into his tone and leaned back into his chair. He pinched the bridge of his nose.

Why was he so worked up about this?

It’s the weretiger’s fault. Akutagawa concluded to himself when the other gets here he’s going to strangle him and—

DING DONG

Akutagawa immediately got to his feet and strode towards the hallway. He almost walked into a wall while adjusting his jacket and fixed his bangs.

As he was one step away, he sucked in a breath. The door knob turned with a satisfying click and when he opened the front door he was met with startling bright honey-stained purple eyes.

Atsushi greeted him with a lop-sided grin. “Hi.”

“You’re wearing glasses?” Akutagawa’s breath caught his throat.

Atsushi reached up and adjusted the new round black frames on his face. His cheeks dusted a faint pink.

“Oh? Yeah. Do you think they suit me?”

Akutagawa raised a hand to hide his smile. “I suppose.”

His whole body trembled with relief. Atsushi was here.

Finally right here.

Atsushi dropped his satchel on the porch and stretched his arms high into the air. “Ahh! I’m beat. I’m sorry I’m here later than planned. There were some er…unexpected obstacles.”

“Like what?”

“I’ll explain later,” Atsushi sighed. He turned his head when quick scurrying footsteps caught his attention and smiled wide. “Ume-chan!”

He knelt down on the ground just as the white dog darted past Akutagawa and straight into his arms. She barked happily and nuzzled her face into Atsushi’s chest.

“Aww, she really adores you!” Gin arrived at the door and smiled at the scene unfolding.

“I-I guess? Ume-chan, calm down a little!” Atsushi chuckled while Ume sniffed his glasses and proceeded to attack him with kisses all over his face. “Hello, Gin!”

Gin waved ‘hello’ back and watched Akutagawa make a slight grimace when Ume licked Atsushi’s nose. She sauntered over to her brother and nudged him in the arm. “You look jealous,” she whispered.

Akutagawa crossed his arms. “I am not.”

The commotion diminished when Tomo and Dōshō realized Atsushi returned and shooed everyone back inside to allow Atsushi to unwind from the long commute.

Akutagawa ventured off to make tea for the two of them and entered the living room where everyone decided to idle now; chattering about how Atsushi’s ‘work’ event was or anything else that occurred while he was away.

Atsushi was settled in the middle of the couch with Tomo and Dōshō on both sides of him so Akutagawa sat down on the leather chair across from them. He placed the tea on the table, careful not to disturb Ume who laid down nearby with Gin sitting on the floor with her.

“I actually was in a scramble to pick up these new glasses this morning trying to find a store open so early! I meant to pick them up yesterday but uhm, paperwork got busy,” Atsushi explained and pulled at the collar of his dress shirt.

“Well, you look handsome in them. I’m glad you can finally see clearer!” Tomo gushed.

Akutagawa’s neck tingled when Atsushi locked eye contact with him and smiled.

His new glasses did look adorable.

“Oh!” Atsushi piped up and rummaged into his travel bag at his feet. “I forgot I have something for you and Dōshō-san.”

Atsushi handed Akutagawa’s aunt a small sheer drawstring bag tied closed with silver ribbon.

“Seeds?” Tomo inquired when she opened the bag and Dōshō peeked over to see.

“Sunflower seeds,” Dōshō’s eyes crinkled around the edges when he saw the tiny black and white striped kernels.

Atsushi placed a hand behind his head and laughed. “I assumed they’re one of your favorite flowers so a friend back at home told me where to get some.”

Tomo and Dōshō shared a fond look with each other and Tomo hugged Atsushi. “Thank you! You’re just the sweetest. We’d have to plant them in the backyard!”

“Maybe that’ll be the first item to plant in the greenhouse once it’s completed,” Dōshō added and looked outside the window. “It’s getting late in the summer season and it’s best to plant sunflowers after the last frost of winter.”

“We can also plant some back in our San Francisco garden too,” Tomo said and glanced between Akutagawa and Gin. “You guys have to visit us there sometime! We can sight see the Golden Gate Bridge together and—”

While Tomo rambled about their life in the states, Atsushi spotted the siblings share a look at each other. A slight hint of worry flashed in their expressions but quickly dissolved when Akutagawa glanced over at Atsushi.

“We’ll have to see how our future schedules pan out, Oba-san,” Akutagawa said to alleviate some of the unspoken concerns lingering between the three.

Because Akutagawa wasn’t sure himself if he and Gin would ever see his family after this trip.

Maybe fake their deaths and cease to exist in their lives again.

As spontaneous as it was discovering their aunt and uncle were still alive; their occupations in the Port Mafia were too risky to get their family swept into as well.

This Fukuoka trip was short term for everyone’s sake.

His gaze lingered on Atsushi laughing with his aunt and uncle. The conversation shifted to a different topic and dispelling any worries away for the time being.

Time could only tell for them.

Gin dragged the whole family to the music room after dinner that night and Akutagawa played a song or two on the piano (after some pestering from Atsushi).

Both Akutagawa and Atsushi sat on the piano bench together again, while everyone else sat on the extra seating near Gin’s violin equipment.

One song in particular Atsushi enjoyed a lot was with an upbeat tempo and a higher pitched accompaniment. Each line was like an echo to the next, creating a unique sequence of notes. It pulled at his heartstrings as a whisper of melancholy was incorporated in the main melody but sounded optimistic overall.

“What is this piece called?” he asked as Akutagawa slowed down to conclude the song.

“Namae wo Yobu yo.”

“It’s beautiful.”

Akutagawa’s heart fluttered and reached out to move Atsushi’s longer bangs out of his sight. “Like you.”

Atsushi’s face prickled with warmth when he heard Tomo giggle and averted his gaze to the ground.  “Ah, shut up,” he mumbled and tried not to blush even more.

Akutagawa suppressed a smile as an elation flooded through him.

The excitement of Atsushi being back at the Akutagawa summer house dwindled down after Gin and Akutagawa presented some more music duets for everyone and eventually Dōshō called it a night for him and Tomo.

Gin decided to stay up a little longer to practice her violin and Akutagawa wished everyone a ‘goodnight’ as he and Atsushi retreated to bed too.

He helped Atsushi bring up his bags that were left in the living room and Atsushi flopped down onto the platform bed once they shuffled inside their shared bedroom. Akutagawa stifled a laugh at the sight of Atsushi’s new glasses now crooked on his face.

“That’s my bed, Jinko.”

Atsushi waved his hand at the other and closed his eyes as he sighed, “Give me five minutes. The past forty-eight hours were nonstop.”

Akutagawa placed Atsushi’s travel bag by the walk-in closet and turned back towards the other with crossed arms.

“Care to elaborate? I believe you owe me an explanation,” Akutagawa said.

“Dazai-san is a fucking soppy drunk.”

Akutagawa blinked. “That’s…not completely out of the ordinary.”

“Really?” Atsushi leaned his weight on his forearms and sat up while adjusting his glasses. “Last night he was completely inebriated while blubbering nonsense about some things in his past I can only comprehend so much about. But god, this morning he nearly caused a public shit-show with his hangover. I thought Kunikida-san was going to really kill him.”

Sounded like Chuuya, Akutagawa thought.

He shrugged. “It would be karma at its finest. I take it he’s back in jail?”

“For now, yes,” Atsushi huffed. “Why don’t you seem surprised over Dazai-san being a flat out drunk?”

“What happened to your stereotypical statement awhile back about all mafia members being drunks?”

“You know I-I didn’t mean it like that!”

Akutagawa walked over and flicked Atsushi’s forehead. “You’re a lousy liar.”

Atsushi puffed his cheeks as his face heated up but eventually his resolve broke and bursted out laughing.

“You’re funny,” Atsushi managed out as he wiped a tear out of his eye.

Akutagawa could only stare as his heart hammered so loud in his chest. He couldn’t hear anything except the other’s bubbly laughter filled with pure delight and carefreeness tickling his ears.

He loved hearing him laugh.

His eyes followed Atsushi as he got up from the bed and heard Atsushi utter something about getting changed while he maneuvered around Akutagawa to head to the closet.

Before Akutagawa could comprehend his movements he placed his hand on Atsushi’s arm and the other turned around. Atsushi’s eyebrows scrunched together while glancing down at Akutagawa’s hand placement. His glasses reflected the light of the lamp on the desk.

“Akutagawa?”

Akutagawa opened his mouth to speak—to maybe explain himself—but his actions overpowered his voice. He pulled Atsushi in close, wrapping his arms around him and rested his face in the crook of Atsushi’s neck. A sharp intake of breath emitted from Atsushi’s mouth and his shoulders stiffened.

Akutagawa mumbled something so quiet against his skin even Atsushi’s immaculate hearing couldn’t pick up on it. 

“What did you say?” Atsushi asked and tried to glance at the other from an awkward angle. Akutagawa’s breath tickled Atsushi’s neck.

“I just missed you, that’s all.”

Akutagawa didn’t see how Atsushi’s eyes widened but he felt how Atsushi melted into Akutagawa’s hold and placed one of his arms around him too.

“…I missed you too,” Atsushi murmured. His hand found Akutagawa’s hair and threaded his finger’s through the other’s silky black hair.

The boundary between whatever their relationship could be defined as was definitely crossed, but neither decided to call the other out on it. Enraptured in the moment intertwined in each other’s scents and personal space.

For Akutagawa, time ticked by so agonizingly slow while Atsushi was gone. It was less than a mere three days but his absence created an isolated space inside of him, engulfing him in desolation.

Bleak and devoid of color when he opened his eyes in the mornings.

That was the life he was accustomed to in the Port Mafia. Known as a rabid hellhound numbed from any blights of emotion; sick and a recluse.

Yet Atsushi managed to tear through the protective walls Akutagawa deluded himself with. Less violent, and way softer than someone ever tried to break down before.

Like raindrops falling on the viridescent grass.

And with Atsushi against his beating heart and warmth blossoming between them, Akutagawa completely succumbed to this serenity.

Akutagawa never wanted to let go.

Finally finding something he never knew he was searching for in his entire life.

Until he met a certain weretiger named, Nakajima Atsushi. 

His sanity crumbled by the other’s presence alone and when he leaned back to look Atsushi in the eye—nothing prepared either of them on what ensued next.

Akutagawa dipped down and kissed him.

Forever solidifying what they couldn't go back from since the start of summer.

Chapter Text

Content Warnings: anxiety attack & brief internalized homophobia.

~

“Fearing that I might not be a jewel, I made no effort to polish myself; but half-believing that I might be a jewel, I could not rest content among the common clay.” ~ Nakajima Atsushi (The Moon Over Mountain & Other Stories)

End Of Innocence:

(Poem Title) A Black Hole

Pursuing demons and ragged breathing,

a slash of red distorted his vision.

Embers inflamed within as he seethed

from how the other’s bright eyes were a derision.

Love? He never mused such foolishly,

quite content looming a spited rivalry.

He’s surely not intrigued by his opposite’s lucidly,

and the familiar scent of an aromatic rose.

Not even by how his grip felt like silk,

underneath his fingertips while he fumbled.

With someone this close to his own ilk,

pulling him close, and completely crumbled.

Relentlessly pulled into the flames,

which bled benevolence into his veins.

“How laughable…” he softly proclaimed, 

as the other murmured his own name...

That this was how it would be,

tamed and bounded, so easily.

In a wake of compelling gravity, 

by the man he treasured, so dearly.

(Written sometime in the beginning of July)

~

Atsushi squeezed his eyes shut when Akutagawa’s lips pressed against his. The other’s nose knocked into his glasses and a frenzy of sensations jolted down his spine while his brain ceased to function.

Any rationality he had erased from his sense of logic as he attempted to fathom the tangency of Akutagawa’s mouth against his.

Akuatgawa’s lips were slightly chapped but somehow so soft and the contact made Atsushi's mouth tingle. His legs weakened while Akutagawa fervently kissed him harder and shuddered when one of Akutagawa’s cold hands traced across his jawline.

The touch a paradox as his flushed skin felt like it was ablaze. 

Just as Atsushi began to acclimatize the foreign action, Akutagawa grabbed him by the shoulders and pushed him away with a sharp gasp. Atsushi’s neck prickled with heat as he involuntarily leaned towards Akutagawa. Chasing after the new ecstasy rushing to his head; his body yearning for more.

Is this what kissing always felt like?

“I—” Akutagawa coughed into his arm and stumbled backwards into the dresser—“shit, I didn't mean—”

“God, can you stop talking for once.” Atsushi rushed forward while he took off his glasses. They clattered somewhere on the floor and found Akutagawa’s lips again.

When their mouths met again the black-haired man grunted as he was pinned against the dresser. The handles dug into his back but he didn’t care. The other’s hands were a brilliant distraction as they roamed down his chest.

Atsushi's teeth grazed against Akutagawa's upper lip, almost clacking with his but tilted his head just in time. He had no idea what he was doing but let his intuition take over. Atsushi fumbled with the front of Akutagawa's blazer, twisting the black fabric in his grasp to tug him closer.

Their second kiss was way clumsier than their first.

But god, it was so sweet and equally addictive as Atsushi inhaled Akutagawa’s breath when they parted briefly for air; the scent of green tea mixed with his prominent natural floral scent.

Maybe plum blossoms? Atsushi guessed through the haze storm in his mind.

Akutagawa placed a hand underneath Atsushi’s chin, coaxing him to angle his head up more and something about the pull of the action caused Atsushi to snap his eyes open.

The resonant clang of metal chains banging against stone walls reverberated loud in his subconscious and dread overcame him. He detached himself from Akutagawa’s embrace when the Headmaster’s voice entered his head.

What a horrific sight .

The diabolical man’s face invaded his vision. Atsushi staggered before falling to the ground in front of the bed and gulped down air. The walls were closing in on him while he clawed at his chest through his shirt. 

He couldn’t breathe.

”Do you deserve to live like this?” the headmaster sneered and his empty eyes bored into Atsushi’s skull. "You're nothing but a despicable beast, boy. Such desires should evade you.”

Atsushi covered his ears with his hands.

Shut up.

Shut up.

The voice wasn’t real, he assured himself.

He’s dead.

The voice wasn’t real.

Atsushi jumped semi-back to reality when Akutagawa’s hand brushed against his cheek. He blinked and realized the other knelt down in front of him. Dilated grey eyes scanned him and he had to fight the urge to cringe from the attention.

This was Akutagawa.

He wouldn’t hurt him, right?

A seed of a doubt manifested in his thoughts while he replayed the past whirlwind of events.

Because Akutagawa kissed him?

“Atsushi?” Akutagawa sounded so far away.

But why did Akutagawa kiss him?

“Hey, Atsushi.” Akutagawa tried to smooth out the panic in Atsushi’s face. “You’re shaking. Please, look at me.”

The silver-haired man gradually raised his head. Wide golden eyes darted to multiple places behind Akutagawa before they fixated on him. Akutagawa observed the movement of Atsushi’s throat as he swallowed.

“I’m…I-I’m confused,” Atsushi stammered and willed away another intrusive thought beginning to materialize.

“You are?” Akutagawa dropped his hand to his side and averted eye contact. “About what?”

Atsushi furrowed his eyebrows, trying to read the other’s expression. “What are we, Akutagawa?”

Akutagawa faltered at the question as his glance fell back onto Atsushi.

Well, he didn’t think that far.

He knew how he felt but how did that define both of them going forward? Especially after his impulsive actions and his jaw clenched.

Akutagawa also didn’t expect Atsushi to react in such a manner afterwards. His shaken demeanor caved in on himself and appeared to be on the brink of collapsing if Akutagawa tried to touch him. Flashbacks to the situation when they were in public for the first time together as a “couple” flickered behind his eyes.

“…What do you want us to be?” Akutagawa’s voice was quiet. He knew his response wasn’t as direct as it should be, but his own anxiety simmered inside of him. He took a deep breath to steady himself and not jump off a cliff based on his own assumptions.

Atsushi didn’t know how to begin unraveling what occurred between them. He could comprehend that Akutagawa kissed him, and then he kissed him back…

So what on earth did he feel towards Akutagawa?

Atsushi didn’t hate him.

He doesn’t believe he ever did. Only tempted from his immense frustration over constant opposing decisions and petty accusations directed at each other.

Yet, you couldn’t kiss a friend.

Akutagawa told him multiple times that they weren’t friends before.

Atsushi leaned back and narrowed his eyes. “Was this all for the sake of the act?”

A figurative cracking noise splintered through the air as Akutagawa was hit with Atsushi’s question. His confidence wavered as he organized his thoughts to properly respond except the silver-haired man continued talking.

“What the hell just happened?” Atsushi ran his fingers through his already disheveled hair. “I thought you were out to kill me? But you k-kissed me?! And this whole trip happened to only pretend—”

“Atsushi,” Akutagawa interrupted while he scooted closer. Their knees were touching but he was careful to not startle him more.

“—to like each other! To be a fake engaged couple and convince your family we’re—!”

“Atsushi!” Akutagawa repeated with more urgency and Atsushi huffed as he looked at him with his lips forming into a pout. “I’m not pretending anything right now!”

Atsushi opened his mouth before clamping it shut again and his forehead creased with more confusion.

They’re not enemies.

No matter how much Akutagawa reasoned with himself on the matter. He perceived Atsushi in a completely different light than when they first crossed paths. 

Atsushi stood out to him from the beginning. His animated personality bounced off his apathetic one so effortlessly. Showing up in his life like a mirage amid his ravage thirst for salvation.

He wasn’t a weak individual who was paralyzed by fear.

Instead he was a strong-willed one, self-less by laws of nature who wielded his fear as a motivation to help others and find meaning in everything.

Even the smallest things.

And Akutagawa reckoned it was both Atsushi’s strength and weakness.

“I never kissed anyone else before,” Akutagawa confessed when Atsushi didn’t say anything else. “I don’t think I ever felt like this towards anyone else before either. Atsushi, I—” Akutagawa stopped himself before any more words fell from his mouth. 

He didn’t want to say it now.

Not when there’s a small chance Atsushi would reject him, or self-sabotage himself by being too brash. Especially with Atsushi trapped somewhere else mentally at the given moment.

Hell, he’s even scared out of his mind to vocalize the phrase out loud.

Akutagawa emitted an exasperated breath and winced when Atsushi evidently flinched.

“I…I’m sorry,” he spoke in a hurried soft tone. “I’m not mad at you. I’m…frustrated with myself.” Akutagawa raised a hand and pressed the back of it against Atsushi’s face again. He felt warm . “Are you okay?”

Atsushi chewed the bottom of his lip, honestly wanting to be anywhere else but felt compelled to hold eye contact with Akutagawa. 

He never imagined getting close to someone else in this context before—at least in this point of his chaotic life. So he had nothing to compare it to except for silly movies. Pretending to be in a relationship with Akutagawa was one thing—yet to actually pursue one?

Is that what Akutagawa wanted too?

His chest tensed up with contradicting emotions. Struggling to grasp the present with a nagging presentiment of unpredictability, while harboring past grief he had been carrying for far too long. The weight on his back was exhausting.

Atsushi closed his eyes before saying, “I don’t know...”

Akutagawa examined the other once more before nodding. “Very well, it has been a long day for you. Perhaps we should get some sleep.”

He prepared to stand when Atsushi grabbed hold of his sleeve and he glanced back at him with a quizzical expression.

“Akutagawa, I’m not...dismissing your advances. I just need—I can’t concentrate on anything right now.” Atsushi felt himself blush from his own words but he needed to say them before he lost the will to be able to.

Akutagawa’s mouth curved into a small smile yet it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “I understand, Atsushi. We can talk later.”

After a brief hesitation Akutagawa took Atsushi's clammy hand and Akutagawa's nose graced across the sensitive skin down his arm. He pressed a chaste kiss to the inner part of Atsushi's wrist and his pulse spiked underneath his fingertips from the gesture.

“Goodnight,” Akutagawa murmured.

Atsushi believed he stuttered a ‘goodnight’ of own. Unable to discern how he could malfunction over such a small innocent act of affection.

He had a half-mind to sense Akutagawa drifting off to his side of the room to begin settling in for the night. Always starting with his wristwatch and placing it on the side table. He quickly looked away when Akutagawa shuffled off his jacket.

The other’s body was thinner than his own but he could tell Akutagawa was muscular. He recalled seeing glimpses of when Rashōmon was wrapped skin-tight against his arms and torso, highlighting the curve of his back and—

Atsushi backtracked immediately and wanted to bang his head against the wall as his whole body flushed. Not daring to venture in that realm of thinking.

God, he’s so fucking sleep deprived.

~

Atsushi couldn’t sleep a wink.

His body craved it, and for once wanted to delve into the comfort of being unconscious instead of the buzzing adrenaline energizing him. 

It might have been well past midnight by now. He had been tossing and turning nonstop, unable to find a comfortable position on the futon. The floor was stiff and drafty from the AC so he pulled the blankets over his head, curling in on himself to keep warm.

Maybe it was also because of Akutagawa.

The other was asleep in the platform bed just a short distance away and Atsushi had been hyper aware of it ever since the lamp was switched off.

Both of them encompassed in quiet darkness with their slow breathes as the only ambiance. The atmosphere could have been described as serene if it wasn’t for Atsushi’s uncontrollable thoughts; tormenting him with unwanted memories and wishing for something intangible.

Many unanswered questions tethered between him and Akutagawa.

Atsushi stilled when Akutagawa shifted on the bed. The wooden frame creaked from the movement. He heard the duvet cover rustling as Akutagawa emitted a few coughs.

There was a beat of silence until Akutagawa rolled himself off the bed. His footsteps were noiseless until he opened the bedroom door and slipped on his coat before venturing down the hallway. Atsushi assumed maybe he needed to get a glass of water or something, but when minutes passed by and he didn’t return—maybe what he heard earlier was the sound of the front door downstairs.

Without much thought he detangled himself from his cocoon of blankets. He shivered from the sudden change of temperature but once he made it outside he was immediately met with the comfortable coolness of a summer night.

A hush of isolation enveloped the front premises and Atsushi’s chest throbbed with a hint of hopelessness while he stood momentarily underneath the porch’s lights. White moths fluttered around him and the vast barrenness of the countryside created a much more despondent mood with the absence of sunlight shrouding the area.

He shook away a foreboding memory threatening to resurface. Reminding himself he was no longer trapped in the confinements of the orphanage. The headmaster had no control over him.

He gained his freedom a long time ago yet his body felt like it was still chained to that grim stone room—isolated and cold.

Of course, his life seemed to be way more daunting now with the prospects of his lack of knowledge in everything, but he wasn’t alone.

Not anymore.

And with that notion he continued on with his initial destination.

The wooden gate didn’t creak as loud as before when Atsushi entered the backyard; the latch was already unlocked. Tall grass tickled his bare ankles while he walked farther into the yard and just as he predicted spotted Akutagawa amongst the grove of apricot trees. The small fruit was a much deeper orange compared to when they first arrived in Fukuoka.

Akutagawa swayed on the hammock while facing away from him; his gaze focused on the starry night above them. His feet were anchored on the ground, rocking back and forth in a steady motion like it was a swing set.

Neither spoke a word when Atsushi approached and he took a seat right next to him. The hammock’s cords seized while it balanced the weight of both of them and Akutagawa stopped swaying.

Their shoulders brushed against each other and by not knowing where to put his hands Atsushi began fiddling with them on his lap. The delicate quietude between them broke when Akutagawa raised a hand to cough and finally turned to glance at the other.

“I fear I was too hasty with my actions early,” Akutagawa muttered and looked away when Atsushi tried to match his gaze. “I…don’t want you to think low of me.”

Atsushi analyzed Akutagawa’s features in the shadows. He forgot his glasses inside but he could always see how pale the other’s skin was with gaunt cheekbones, contrasting with his ebony hair and the spot between his thin eyebrows strained with agitation. He wanted to reach out and erase it but refrained from doing so.

Instead, Atsushi leaned his head on Akutagawa’s shoulder and Akutagawa flinched but didn’t recoil away from the action.

“I can’t articulate what I’m feeling,” Atsushi started and Akutagawa's heartbeat pounded in his ribcage. “Although, I think I can admit I do care about you too.”

Akutagawa’s breath hitched and the shoulder Atsushi rested on shook subtly as he quivered with a sense of solace. Too taken back to verbalize a response to the other’s words.

Atsushi always considered himself a work-in-progress. Renaments of his past possessed him daily, afflicting his judgment and he didn’t want to curse somebody else with his own short-comings and misfortunes. He never wanted anyone to suffer because of him.

But this line of thinking challenged him because of Akutagawa's current troubled disposition.

Uncertainty eroded Atsushi's mind, spreading a consistent jitteriness in his body. He let out a wistful huff and allowed himself to burrow closer to Akutagawa. The other’s presence aided him to stay grounded and subdue some of his own worries.

Atsushi didn’t know when that began—appreciating Akutagawa’s company. Their ​​camaraderie had been unsteady since the beginning of their forced partnership for joint-missions and then the impromptu trip to Fukuoka. He contemplated if he always cared more than he realized about the other.

Even when their opinions clashed and were in an enemy’s direct line of fire, somehow—in the middle of it all—a hand never failed to reach out towards one another.

To protect each other from harm.

To ensure the other was safe.

“Akutagawa,” Atsushi found himself speaking and Akutagawa stirred beside him, humming as a reply. “Can you kiss me again?”

A half cough, half choking sound sputtered from the other and Atsushi scrambled to move away as his face heated up. “We definitely do not have to if you don’t want to!” he rushed out and waved his hands around but Akutagawa caught one of his wrists and he completely froze. “Aku—?”

“I do. We can, it’s just—” Akutagawa searched for any deception in Atsushi’s eyes—“are you sure?”

“Yeah, I am.”

Atsushi swallowed as cold and hesitant hands raised to cup both sides of his face. He blinked a few times to adjust to the closer proximity and Akutagawa caressed his right thumb over Atsushi’s bottom lip.

“Are you sure?” he questioned again and Atsushi nodded without hesitation, not able to find his voice.

After a brief exhale, Akutagawa closed the remaining space between them and Atsushi fully surrendered to the benevolent warmth, letting it drown him.

They kissed again like they didn’t have a worry in the world. Ignoring the mountain of unspoken tensions piled on their shoulders, which threatened to breakdown the peace between their already fragmented roles. The roles seeking to find refuge in each other’s arms; interlocking hands that were once used for harsher things—but now a placid comfort underneath a shimmering black sky full of white stars.

Almost echoing how both waded through their own darknesses alone, until finally, they found the brightness at the end of the tunnel they had blindly sought for. Embracing their real personas and not the fictitious ones they conjured up for their fake engagement.

A dull pang thudded in Atsushi’s chest, knowing the thin film of ease both he and Akutagawa repaired the past few weeks could so easily be ripped into shreds by a mutual enemy. 

Passing time. 

Their ruse of a relationship began with a three month deadline, but what about now?

They endured so many unwanted confrontations and encounters, yet when faced with a common foe everything between the pair shifted so fast, so sudden, so discreetly—sometimes they were still fooled into thinking they were against each other but their actions contradicted otherwise.

It was ironic how often they fell into that predicament.

Like being splashed with frigid water and reality stunned them; in the midst of heated conflict and eventually understood they’re not enemies, but partners fighting the same battle. 

When they ceased their sacred actions of devotion Atsushi clutched a little tighter to the black jacket the other wore, pressing his nose into Akutagawa's collarbone. He found it ridiculous that Akutagawa wore long-sleeves during the hottest season of the year but a piece of him understood the reason why now. He giggled faintly, which made Akutagawa squirm underneath him but Atsushi shook his head and smiled, nothing. 

Atsushi didn’t know if he could call the emotion coursing through him love—at least, not yet. The proposition of Akutagawa’s feelings towards him was all too new and overstimulating.

They didn’t dare to name the path they were wandering down while they laid side-by-side in the hammock that night either. Too scared by how in such little time it could be altered after how fast things have changed.

Both knew they had to confront themselves and for now, tried to be content as it just was with their new budding emotions.

But like the rising sun that peeked across purple-orange skies as nightfall transformed into daylight—change is inevitable. A brand new day on the horizon. The anticipation of what their futures held heightened and perhaps together, they could learn to figure it out.

Hopefully before autumn’s air even touched Japan's soil.

Chapter Text

A/N: guys it took me nearly four years, but I finally figured out how to add images on this platform—HI HELLO, I wanted to share this lovely artwork by Christine, who created the scene of Atsushi & Akutagawa from Chapter 4! It's ironically the same location & outfits they're wearing in Chapter 17/kinda 18 so it felt fitting to include here <3 Thank you so much again, it turned out amazing!

Art Credit: Christine, @akuta_825 on instagram! (check out more of their art there)

~

“...once I believed
love poems were foolish

yet now I do nothing
but dream about love” 

~ small expert from a poem called “Exhaustion” in Goat Songs by Chuuya Nakahara

All For You:

Awkwardness after their new endeavors didn’t occur between the pair until the next morning. 

Atsushi woke up first, disoriented. His neck ached from the odd angle his head was laying and wondered why the birds were chirping so loud. His eyelids were still heavy with sleep as he shuffled his hand out burrowed underneath his stomach. Yet when went to place it on the floor to sit up, all he caught was air.

“Wha—!”

An embarrassing yelp escaped him as he fell sideways into the grass and wheezed when the air was practically knocked out of his lungs from another impact landing on his chest.

Atsushi’s eyes shot open, first noticing the white clouds drifting across a blue sky and green forestry above him. Birds obscured by the branches cawed from the sudden disturbance.

The weight on him shifted and flicked his gaze to see a bewildered Akutagawa; beside them the now empty hammock swung wildly like a pendulum.

“What the hell, Jinko? Are you trying to kill us?” Akutagawa croaked as he wearily hoisted himself onto his elbows and glared down at him. His black hair was all over the place and Atsushi had to bite back a smile.

The sun shone directly behind Akutagawa’s head and Atsushi would’ve believed he was dreaming if it wasn’t for the physical pain shooting down his left arm from the fall.

“¿Buenos días?” Atsushi tried and the corner of Akutagawa’s mouth twitched but quickly curled into a faux grimace. (A/N: "Buenos días" means "good morning" in Spanish)

“Your pronunciation is shit.”

“So is your morning attitude!”

“Whatever, you fool. I’m not the one who capsized us.”

“I’m not the one pinning someone else on the ground,” Atsushi retorted and smirked when Akutagawa’s face reddened.

“Shut up!”

“Make me.”

Yet Akutagawa didn’t move an inch. The pair created somewhat of a standstill between them as they stared at each other. A handful of ideas swirled through Akutagawa’s mind while a burning purple-gold continued to challenge a sharp grey.

The weretiger was such a captivating enigma, thought Akutagawa.

Any apprehensions from the night prior seemed to have suspended for the time being. Which by itself seemed made up in Akutagawa’s figment of imagination as recalled the feeling of his lips against the other—but it very well did occur.

This was his present reality now.

Akutagawa’s mouth parted slightly while he observed Atsushi analyze him. Almost in awe with the simple fact this man was right in front of him. 

Atsushi’s curious gaze traveled. He started with Akutagawa’s protruding collarbone peeking out from his white undershirt underneath his jacket and followed the curve of his neck-to-jawline. The morning light made Akutagawa’s already intense features much more defined and Atsushi wished he had his glasses to see clearer.

When they made eye contact again, he fixated on Akutagawa’s left eye—then the right before glancing downwards again.

No words were spoken but the other’s subtle expressions were apparent enough for Akutagawa to understand. He maneuvered one of his arms to prop himself higher off the ground and hovered over Atsushi more. He placed his hands flat against the grass on both sides of Atsushi’s head and golden eyes widened.

“What are you…” Atsushi’s breath stuttered when—

“Woof!”

Both of the men whipped their heads in the direction of the noise and at the entrance of the grove’s clearing was Ume with a sheepish-looking Dōshō a few steps behind her. Her leash was wrapped tightly around his wrist as he attempted to stop her from sprinting towards the pair. She barked again amid the resistance, wanting to greet them.

Without warning Atsushi flung Akutagawa off of him. A cough caught his throat when he rolled over in another part of the grass and struggled to grasp his bearings. He dug his fingers into the dirt and spared a glance at his uncle.

“We...we w-weren’t doing anything!” Atsushi blurted out and Akutagawa twisted towards him with the most appalled expression.

“Atsushi!” Akutagawa hissed underneath his breath and wanted to shake him.

That was like the worst thing you could’ve said! Akutagawa mentally shouted at him.

He gritted his teeth from the other’s plain idiocy while Atsushi mussed with his frizzy hair. Realization appeared to wash over Atsushi when his face turned a vivid scarlet and eventually it fell into his own hands.

Dōshō refused to look at them and cleared his throat. “Uhm, boys, I didn’t mean interrupt. Ume-chan needed to go outside and she must’ve sniffed you out over here.”

Akutagawa heaved out a sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose. Unable to decipher if he felt more humiliated or displeased. He shakily heaved himself up to stand and grabbed Atsushi’s arm in the process, dragging him along with him.

“Lovely morning, isn’t it, Oji-san?” Akutagawa formally greeted while he and Atsushi passed by him and Ume, swallowing down his pride.

His uncle gave him a perplexed look and sputtered, “Why yes, I-I suppose.” Which severed the uncomfortable predicament as he and Atsushi escaped back inside the house.

Their facade of a relationship wasn’t in jeopardy at the very least.

He tugged Atsushi through the front door, preparing to face him and actually ask ‘What the hell was he thinking?’ when Gin just so happened to be coming down the staircase and spotted them in the genkan.

The music book she had her hand went slack to her side and everyone froze on the spot. She glanced between Atsushi and Akutagawa a few times. One of her eyebrows arched as she noticed the grass stains and dirt covering both of them.

Atsushi shifted his weight on one foot to the other and side-eyed Akutagawa, who pursed his lips as he waited for the unavoidable. Thank God Atsushi didn’t spew anything weird this time.

Gin’s eyes narrowed. “...Were you two wrestling outside or something?”

“God, no!” Akutagawa’s entire body flushed and raised his arm as a coughing fit flared up.

He truly thought this morning couldn’t get worse but Atsushi tilted his head and opened his damn mouth.

“Wait, wait what does she mean by that?” Atsushi asked while pulling at his night shirt’s collar and Akutagawa internally groaned. He urged Atsushi with his hands to continue going upstairs.

“Nothing! She means nothing,” he griped and shot Gin a non-heated glare before trudging up the steps behind the other.

Akutagawa briefly reckoned if karma finally decided to haunt him after he accidentally walked in on Chuuya and Dazai all those years ago. His whole body shuddered from the mental image.

“Akutagawa?!”

“Atsushi, stop talking!”

~

Everyone was silent during breakfast that morning.

Dōshō sat at the head of the kitchen table while trying to hide behind a newspaper he was reading and not look at the Atsushi and Akutagawa who sat across from one another. They both changed into day clothes and Akutagawa could still faintly smell his nebulizer treatment’s sterile-like scent in his nose.

Atsushi’s hands trembled as he lifted his cup of coffee and took a long sip. His glasses were also back on and the steam fogged them up. His leg bounced up and down, itching to get up and leave but he didn’t want to waste the food Tomo prepared.

Akutagawa on the other hand simply glared at the wall and tried to ignore Gin’s persistent stare on his left; his plate of eggs and toast untouched and cold. He crossed his arms and legs while he waited for Atsushi to finish eating.

The stiff air in the room began to strangle them to death until Tomo came strolling in with a handful of mail, dispersing the tense energy.

Dōshō glanced over at his wife and flashed a smile. “Anything good?”

Tomo leaned back onto the counter and hummed while she looked through the contents. “Let’s see, there’s some bills…more bills…copy of Ume-chan’s vet records…work stuff and—? Yay! Atsushi-kun’s and Ryuunosuke’s wedding portraits arrived! I was waiting for these.”

She showcased a pink envelope and in printed cursive Kobito’s was sprawled across the front. While she opened the it, Dōshō and Gin ventured over to check out the photos too.

“I didn’t know you had these taken,” Gin exclaimed and giggled when she saw the one picture with Akutagawa’s arms wrapped around Atsushi’s shoulders from behind. “You both look adorable.”

“I agree the photos turned out amazing!” Dōshō said while he analyzed the one in his hand and compared it against the kitchen light. “Very professional looking.”

Atsushi shielded his mouth with his hand and whispered to Akutagawa, “I thought you burned those?”

“I…” Akutagawa faltered, way too distracted by the family's reactions to fully focus on Atsushi. He wavered back and forth between him and them. “I…uhm didn’t…actually.”

Atsushi’s eyes went wide and gaped at him. Clearly at a loss of words with his answer.

He didn’t tell Atsushi but he actually tucked the photos away in the back of his notebook after he discovered them on the desk one day. Unsure whether it would be good to use as a memorabilia of some sorts for the fake engagement.

Even if he did burn the originals, they were the proofs regardless. 

“Oba-san must’ve ordered official copies,” Akutagawa whispered back and Atsushi tousled his hair as he tried to wrap his head around the situation.

“Isn’t this bad?”

“I am not sure…” Akutagawa’s gaze wandered back to his aunt and uncle’s ecstatic expressions while they flipped through the stack of prints. A faint smile of his own appeared on his face when Gin’s eyes lit up as Tomo showed her another picture. “Perhaps not.”

“Those were violet flowers you were wearing on your suit, right? Atsushi-kun?” Tomo asked and he turned around in the chair to look at her.

He held the back of his head and chuckled, “Uh, yeah, they are! Ryuu picked that accessory out for me.”

Tomo nodded her head in approval. “He has good taste.”

“For the most part, I guess,” Gin piped in and stuck out her tongue when Akutagawa rolled his eyes. “I’m surprised you got Ryuu to smile in this one picture, Atsushi.”

“Which one?” Atsushi rose from his chair and went over to peeked over Gin’s shoulder while she held up the glossy print. “Oh! I haven’t seen this one before. I didn’t know he was smiling in any, since he stood behind me.” His mouth curved into a smirk while he peered over at Akutagawa. “You look cute.”

The man was in the middle of drinking his tea and covered his mouth with his hand to not spit it all over the table.

“What?!” he choked out and fumbled for a napkin while Gin giggled again. Akutagawa’s face immediately dusted a shade of fuschia and glowered at both his sister and Atsushi. But they both ignored him and Atsushi shifted his attention to the other photos.

He couldn’t believe these were captured like a month and a half ago. His hair was slightly shorter in the image compared to now. 

Amid the silent war brewing between the young trio, Dōshō placed a hand underneath his chin. He racked his brain on a conversation he and Tomo had earlier in the week. 

“Wasn’t there something about flowers we discussed, honey?”

Tomo tilted her head while she pondered over the question and clapped her hands together. “Ah! Right, that slipped my mind too! Hey, Ryuunosuke, Atsushi-kun? Are you free this afternoon?”

Atsushi moved his gaze towards his—maybe partner?—who just so happened to look at him too. 

“Uhm, are we, dear?” Atsushi’s meek voice cracked slightly while he wrung his hands together. He already got an earful from Akutagawa earlier for talking too much so he definitely was not going to say the wrong thing now.

Akutagawa held back a sigh while he fiddled with his jacket’s sleeves, displaying an excessive saccharine smile for everyone in the room. “Let me guess, more shopping?” he quipped and spotted Atsushi’s complexion turning pale in his peripheral vision. Although his aunt unfortunately did not notice that aspect.

Tomo was practically bouncing on her feet and grabbed Atsushi’s hands, who emitted a strained laugh when she beamed at him. “Yes, correct!” she cheered.

~

Akutagawa crossed his arms while he watched Atsushi tie his boots on the genkan’s entryway steps. He glanced over his shoulder before speaking.

“Oi, Atsushi.”

The other didn’t seem to hear him and shook his head as he detangled his shoelaces.

“Atsushi?” Akutagawa repeated and Atsushi huffed. He didn’t twist the knot correctly on his right boot so he needed to restart. 

“…What is it?”

“We don’t need to go out today if you’re…not uhm, up for it.”

“What makes you think that?” Atsushi yanked at his laces and Akutagawa pursed his lips when he huffed again; the black strings became more tangled in his grasp. Akutagawa knelt down in front of him and beckoned Atsushi with his hand.

“I’m okay—” Atsushi protested but Akutagawa gave him a pointed stare and the other relented with a puff of exasperation. “Fine, go on.”

Akutagawa slowly unraveled the jumbled string-of-mess Atsushi attempted to do while he formulated his response.

“Your mind just seems somewhere else, that’s all.”

Akutagawa crossed the shoelaces to create an “X” and re-did the loops. When he finished tying the boot, he double checked the other before gazing back at Atsushi. 

But the other’s eyes were averted somewhere else with his head casted downward so part of his face was covered by his bangs. Akutagawa ducked down a little to try and get a better look at him.

“I must seem pathetic,” Atsushi said and Akutagawa stilled from the other's harsh tone. The shift in attitude like whiplash.

“No,” Akutagawa assured and cupped one side of his face. “No, you’re not. I refuse to let you believe that.”

The other’s cold hand seemed to bring Atsushi back to his senses and through his glasses Atsushi’s eyes dilated when they fixated on Akutagawa. Atsushi blinked a few times before sighing and his posture deflated a bit.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I know why you’re upset about it,” Akutagawa scoffed with no bite to it.

Atsushi’s eyebrows furrowed. “What do you mean?”

The other’s response was interrupted when they heard Dōshō and Tomo coming down the hallway with Ume scurrying by their side. 

Before Akutagawa moved away he swiped his thumb gently across Atsushi’s cheek, telling him the conversation wasn’t done yet. He stood once his aunt and uncle made it to the genkan and shuffled their own shoes on.

“Gin, we’ll be back later!” Tomo called out and Gin shouted ‘okay!’ from the music room. 

Ume pranced onto Atsushi’s lap, greeting him with a kiss on his cheek and Akutagawa was relieved to see a smile back on his face. Even if it was a small one. 

Dōshō rummaged through his pockets for the car keys and turned towards the pair. “You boys ready to go?”

Akutagawa nodded and held out a hand for Atsushi, who took it after placing Ume back on the ground. She continued sniffing the floor at their feet, which made Atsushi laugh and for once, Akutagawa was gratified for the white beast’s existence.

“So, where are we going?” Atsushi asked and Tomo placed a finger over her lips to conceal a coy smile.

“You’ll see!”

~

“Have you two picked out at least a wedding theme yet?” Tomo inquired while looking in the backseats of the car and Atsushi was gripping the seat belt. He loosened his grip when Akutagawa made a weird face at him.

“No?” Atsushi answered without thinking and silently said ‘sorry’ when Akutagawa’s mouth twisted into a slight scowl.

He should really let Akutagawa lead most of their conversations. He’s the one who dragged them into this wedding situation in the first place anyway!

And is a wedding theme even a requirement?

He thought all that was needed was a cake, music, and maybe a bar to entertain the guests. He would rather not risk having a plastered Dazai—or Chuuya based on Akutagawa’s stories of him—at his supposed future wedding. Anything else to add to the checklist was way out of his metaphoric budget to spend money on.

They were about ten minutes into the drive to another city in Fukuoka Prefecture and Tomo refused to give away any hints as to where. Based on the passing landscape, they were not heading in the same direction as the summer festival they attended before.

“Didn’t you two get engaged a few months ago?” Tomo added and Dōshō peered over at his wife before focusing back on the road.

“Honey, maybe they just want to enjoy being engaged for now. Planning is stressful.”

“I’m curious! They should really at least pick a color scheme at this rate. It’s also exciting! We haven’t seen Ryuunosuke in so long and he’s getting married. To Atsushi-kun, who’s just the sweetest.”

Atsushi forced a smile when Tomo glanced back at them again and scratched the side of his face. Next to him, Akutagawa refolded his sleeve's cuffs and leaned back against the car seat.

“We’ve been contemplating a few concepts,” Akutagawa lied while Atsushi wiped his clammy hands against his shirt.

“Really?” Tomo’s expression brightened and Dōshō shot the boys an empathetic look through the rear view mirror. “Tell me more!”

Akutagawa coughed and locked eyes with Atsushi. “Well, we both enjoy reading. So potentially a book one.”

“That would be cute. Oh! Imagine having books as the table centerpieces—it would pair so well with a warm ambient lighting or star lights! I guess it would depend if you two want an indoor or outdoor wedding though…”

Atsushi’s consciousness began to drift away as Tomo rambled on about more potential wedding plans. His mental energy on the verge of dwindling and glad Akutagawa decided to keep up the conversation by himself.

Everyone’s voices became white noise as he glanced out the window. They zoomed by a billboard displaying Dazaifu Tenmangu. Apparently it was one of the most famous shrines in the area. Other buildings of an unfamiliar neighboring town darted by in a blurry rush and Atsushi let his mind wander more.

Did he even want to get married?

Of course, in a hypothetical future sense. The “wedding” he was stuck planning with Akutagawa’s family was all for show and a performance for their part as a fake engaged couple. He subtly glanced between the platinum ring on Akutagawa’s left hand and his own.

He also still didn’t know where he and Akutagawa stood in regards to their own relationship. 

If they could even consider themselves to be in one, he ruminated.

Without his own doing a heavy sigh fell from Atsushi’s lips and didn’t notice when Akutagawa side-glanced him. 

Akutagawa was still in the middle of a discussion with his aunt so he couldn’t dwell on the matter. He spared one last fleeting look at Atsushi and feigned a passive expression when his aunt asked another question regarding wedding favors.

He would have to ask about it later.

~

Atsushi jolted out of his thoughts when Tomo squealed and he swished his head back and forth, making there wasn’t any immediate danger nearby. He barely registered the car slowing down to a stop in a gravel parking lot and turned to Akutagawa who was staring out his own window.

Akutagawa unfastened his seat belt with a soft click and Atsushi quickly followed suit when he exited the vehicle.

“Ta-da!” Tomo made a gesture with her arm once everyone was outside, presenting the exterior of their destination.

As Atsushi blinked to adjust to his new surroundings he first became aware of gurgling water. In the distance next to a wooden rolling cart displaying outdoor decorations was a medium-sized koi pond surrounded by bamboo.

He noticed the pond was connected to a stone pathway leading to a storefront with tinted windows, which he assumed was the place they’re here for. Blue and purple hydrangeas embellished the grass bordering the entire building, along with other vibrant flowers he couldn’t name.

Akutagawa covered his eyes with a hand to block the sunlight and peered upwards at the building’s sign. He wished he brought his sunglasses.

Light, Wind and Dreams Flower Shop, huh?

“Where are we?” he rasped and actually debated taking off his jacket. The sun scorched down directly on them and it wasn’t as cool as the countryside part of the island.

“Chikugo,” his uncle grinned at his nephew and the car beeped as he locked the car. He walked over to stand beside Tomo and glanced back at Atsushi and Akutagawa. “Are you boys ready to go inside?”

For a brief moment, Akutagawa didn’t know. He tilted his head towards his partner and Atsushi managed to return his unspoken question with a weak smile.

“We didn’t schedule an appointment or anything so feel free to just browse!” Tomo assured them when they seemed hesitant. “We thought it would be nice for you two to find a little inspiration, and the flowers here are beautiful! Maybe find some to pair with your book idea.”

“What would we need an appointment here for?” Atsushi wondered out loud and Tomo smiled at him while she adjusted her purse over her shoulder.

“A mix of things! In your case, a florist can create custom flower boutonnieres or corsages to wear. They could also help adorn table centerpieces, cakes, or even the venue itself with flowers that coordinate with your wedding colors,” Tomo giggled and pointed her elbow towards her husband. “Your uncle, Dōshō, used to do this back at the flower shop he worked at when he was around your age, and he was great at it!” 

Dōshō raised an eyebrow. “Wasn’t that the same job where we first met? We barely spoke the one and only time we knew of each other while I worked there.”

“You showed me pictures while we were dating—” Tomo waved her hand in a nonchalant manner—“I didn’t need to be there to know.”

“I suppose you’re right,” Dōshō mused and hooked his arms around Tomo’s while they headed towards the entrance. “If you boys end up liking this place we can book a consultation.”

Without a word, Akutagawa grasped Atsushi’s shaky hand and guided him along to follow his family. He rubbed his thumb against Atsushi’s wrist, hoping to calm down his nerves of being in public somewhat.

The rich scent of succulents mixed with fresh soil greeted them when they entered the flower shop and Atsushi’s blank expression perked up when his gaze swept across the colorful variety of flowers. Some were bunched together in metal water buckets organized by their kind, while others were already assorted in custom arrangements put out on display around the store.

He started to gravitate towards one particular flower when Tomo called out to them.

“There's also a small cafe attached in the back!” She pointed towards the retail section a few rooms over. “Do you boys want a drink? We can get you something while you look around.”

“Sure, why not.” Akutagawa shrugged. “Do you want anything, Atsushi?”

“Uhm, anything cold?”

Akutagawa shook his head at the other’s answer. “He’ll take an iced tea like me. Thank you, Oba-san.”

Tomo laughed while she nodded. “Gotcha, we’ll be back! Have fun~!”

After Tomo and Dōshō left them to their own devices, Atsushi immediately headed over to the opposite corner of the store where he spotted the eye-catching floret clusters from before. When he reached the shelf the flowers were displayed on he leaned down to get a better glimpse.

He never saw fully pink hydrangeas in-person before, let alone pure white ones.

“Did you know the color of hydrangeas depends on the soil they’re planted in?” Atsushi explained when he sensed Akutagawa walking up behind him.

“How the hell do you know that?” 

“I read books too!” Atsushi defended and felt one of the smooth petals in between his fingers. He glanced over at the blue version of the flower next to it. “Maybe not as often as you…but anyways, these specific flowers were planted everywhere in the orphanage’s garden. Only the mixed blue and purple ones though, like the flowers at your family’s summer house too.”

Akutagawa’s neck tensed up from the mention of Atsushi’s past but he didn’t seem phased by it in the slightest. He actually continued talking while examining the other flowers within the same row. 

“A long time ago, I found a gardening book that mentioned it. The color of hydrangeas are based on the pH level and any aluminum present. It’s actually pretty neat! So I guess the pink petal kind couldn’t survive at the orphanage. These flowers always remind me how every person’s life doesn’t necessarily turn out the same depending on their “rooted” circumstances too. So my color blue isn’t necessarily the same hue as your color blue, or whatnot because maybe you view it as pink? Because of how we interpret the world and—” Atsushi clamped his mouth and winced. “Oh sorry, I’m rambling.”

“You sound like a professor when you speak like that, you know?” Akutagawa observed and followed Atsushi when he headed farther down the aisle. He found it fascinating that Atsushi was more knowledgeable in things than he let on.

As the pair ambled around a new corner of the flower shop Akutagawa nearly stumbled when Atsushi freezed in his tracks. He spared a double take at Akutagawa and narrowed his eyes.

“What is it?” Akutagawa wrinkled his nose. “Do I have something on my face?”

“No, no, it’s just…” Atsushi glanced towards the far end of the aisle they were in and then back at Akutagawa before motioning his head. “Doesn’t that worker look like you?”

Across the room where it appeared to be the floral design and preparation station was an employee half-faced towards the “couple”. The florist was trimming flower stems and assembling them into rose-tinted glass vases with stones filled on the bottom. From their distance Atsushi could distinguish the similarities. Honestly, he thought Akutagawa had the ability to teleport or something when he first spotted them.

Because the worker definitely looked like him.

Akutagawa raised his chin and gave the florist a once over himself before his mouth flattened in a straight line. “They do not look like me.”

Atsushi took off his glasses and squinted. “I think they do.”

Same hooded eyes, same height, same demeanor, different hair.

Their tousled wavy hair was closer to a dark brown and obviously lacked the white tipped highlights. 

While Atsushi continued to observe the other guy from afar he quite frankly did not sense the immense drop in temperature in the room as Akutagawa’s patience frayed apart. Thankfully all the flowers surrounding them were unaffected.

Atsushi flinched when Akutagawa abruptly stalked over in the direction of the florist and he tried to grab his arm.

“What are you doing?!” he half-whispered but Akutagawa didn’t answer. His attention glued on his “target”.

Akutagawa crossed his arms with a long frown stretched across his face when he stood in front of the shop worker.

“You.”

The florist appeared to have jumped out of his skin when Akutagawa spoke to them out of nowhere. The orange dahlias they were cutting nearly fell out of his hands and glanced around before pointing at himself.

“Me?”

Akutagawa nodded. “Yes. You. What’s your name?” 

“Uhm, Shōhei?” the florist gestured to his name tag attached to his jean overall strap. The piece of plastic had tiny doodles around the letters of his name.(A/N: for context Akutagawa’s BSD stage play actor is Shōhei Hashimoto lol :D)

Akutagawa flashed a worker a wide smile, which made Atsushi wish he never said anything in the first place. He tried to tell Akutagawa to stop with his shifty gaze but the other pretended not to notice and maneuvered Atsushi to stand beside him. 

“My fiancé here,” Akutagawa began and gestured to Atsushi, who blushed profusely, “needs assistance. Can you help us?”

The florist side-eyed Atsushi but he mainly held eye contact with Akutagawa. “Uhm, sure, what do you need?”

What the hell do I need? Atsushi contemplated and feigned laughter to ease up some of the tension crackling from Akutagawa. His gaze flicked to the pair of red scissors on the wooden table the florist was working on. He hoped it wasn't a restraining order. 

Atsushi cleared his throat. “Where do you keep the pink peonies?” His voice was like an octave higher but he could care less. He needed to get Akutagawa away from this stranger before Rashōmon made a surprise appearance.

The florist, Shōhei, pointed towards the bay window across the shop where seasonal merchandise was located and Atsushi grinned.

“Great! Thank you so much!” He seized Akutagawa by the shoulders before he could utter another sentence and shoved him in the direction of the flowers. “Let’s head over there, sweetheart.”

“Sweetheart? What the hell is that nickname?!”

“Please, just keep walking.”

“Then slow down! Or I’m going to trip over something,” Akutagawa groused and Atsushi merely rolled his eyes. 

He let go of Akutagawa when they were out of earshot and hissed, “That was ridiculous! What were you thinking?”

Akutagawa straightened his jacket and wrapped his arms tight across his chest. “You clearly were too blind to see the difference between myself and them so I merely created a diversion to compare closer.”

Now it was Atsushi’s turn to start spewing nonsense and the heat in the store increased by the minute. He tugged at his t-shirt’s collar while he paced back and forth.

“My god! Do you ever think before you act—or speak? Even if I do like you more than when we first met, you’re still as insufferable as ever.”

Akutagawa’s mouth fell open and when Atsushi peered over to see why the other wasn’t refuting anything he stopped moving. The other man looked like he got stabbed or something. 

“What? ”Atsushi questioned and Akutagawa struggled to find the right words to say. 

“You…” he covered his lower face to suppress a cough. “You like me?”

Atsushi’s complexion turned pinker than the flowers next to him. “We kissed?!”

“I know! But you said—we didn’t discuss anything about it yet.”

“When the fuck would we have gotten the chance too?” Atsushi ran his fingers through his hair and anticipated Akutagawa’s family to show up any moment with their luck. His mind was spinning so much he didn’t realize Akutagawa stepping closer. 

Two fingers were placed underneath Atsushi’s chin and in a gentle gesture his head was tilted so it pointed at Akutagawa. Atsushi might’ve stopped breathing.

“Atsushi,” Akutagawa murmured and his grey eyes softened while they trailed over the other’s face. “You said you like me?”

Atsushi flailed his arms around in a dramatic manner. “Well I certainly don’t like the random dude over there!”

“You’re right. He’s still alive.”

Akutagawa’s expression soured a smidge and grimaced. When it seemed he was tempted to return back in the other direction, Atsushi scrambled to grab hold of the lapels of Akutagawa’s jacket and pulled him forward. The other inhaled a sharp gasp when Atsushi’s lips brushed against his.

The contact was quick; similar to a feather swiping across his flesh and Akutagawa wasn’t sure it actually occurred. He raised a hand to his mouth when Atsushi released him and proceeded to stare at him with astonishment.

“Yes, I like you!” Atsushi shook a fist into the air while lowering his voice into a harsh whisper, “So please, please, please don't go randomly killing other people. You weirdo!”

Akutagawa stood there dumbfounded while Atsushi panted to catch his breath. Atsushi’s fists were still clenched at his sides and glared at him.

Akutagawa’s lips curved into a smirk. ”But you like me, though.”

“You fool. I’m not repeating it,” Atsushi sighed.

The flourishing summer flowers behind Atsushi were an excellent background to the subtle sparkle in the his honey stained-purple eyes. Akutagawa wanted to mentally capture the colors forever in his mind.

He wasn’t just pretty…he was stunning.

“I…like you too, Atsushi.” Akutagawa reached out to tuck some stray hair behind Atsushi’s ear. He scrunched up his nose when Akutagawa’s fingertips tickled his cheek. “Also, I would never break our promise. Do you perceive me as an imbecile?”

“That can definitely be debatable depending on the time of day.”

“What about now?”

“You’re acting like one.”

“I suppose, I wouldn’t mind being only your fool then,” Akutagawa teased and found himself grinning when another blush crept up Atsushi’s face. 

“The way you speak is so confusing!”

“My apologies, mi amor.”

“Akutagawa!”

“Sorry, sorry—my dear.” Akutagawa bit his bottom lip to stop his grin from widening.

Yet with Atsushi attempting to stay mad at him and failing miserably—Akutagawa couldn’t resist.

He never had a reason to smile this much before, but he wasn’t complaining in the slightest. Endearment so evident in his expression as his once weak pulse was thriving from the pure euphoria flowing in his veins.

Atsushi was in the middle of another rant (calling Akutagawa a pretentious guy or something) when Akutagawa circled his arms around him. The other momentarily stiffened from the action. Although when he deemed Akutagawa just wanted a hug, he rested his chin on Akutagawa’s shoulder.

His usual anxieties of public attention were kept at bay due to their secluded location in the store. He relaxed against Akutagawa and closed his eyes, breathing in the sweet floral air around them.

Akutagawa's heartbeat sped up when Atsushi's angelic laughter reached his ears and held him tighter. The seraphic sound was like a soothing melody he wished had the capability to play endlessly on repeat. A song he wished was tangible.

He didn’t know what he did to deserve it.

To regain Atsushi’s trust after giving him so many reasons not to. To be able to hold him in such a precious manner and to learn his feelings weren’t unrequited as he initially feared.

Akutagawa would’ve tried to stay away and shut down any infatuations he harbored if Atsushi didn’t want to associate with him anymore. He wallowed through this messed up black and white world without him before—he could endure it again. Even if a part of him would always yearn…

At least he was able to exist in the same universe as Atsushi.

That would be enough, Akutagawa believed.

And somehow the retribution of his own mistakes granted him a silver lining—quite literally in his arms now. The other’s hair tickled Akutagawa’s nose and he felt himself smile again. His jaw ached from how much he was; the muscle’s stiff from not being used to the sensation. He was grateful he found the strength within his frail body to keep surviving and live despite the past hardships he had to endure to experience this moment.

Since he didn’t truly believe in love before due to his turbulent upbringing.

Yet within that quaint flower shop somewhere in the middle of Fukuoka, Japan—Akutagawa could confirm one thing.

Was this what it’s like experiencing love and happiness together?

He dared to say it was.

Chapter Text

Content Warnings: mentions and brief depictions of child abuse (Atsushi's past).

First part of this chapter is an Atsushi flashback from the time he was in the orphanage to showcase more of why his present mentality is the way it is within this AU. It's not the most graphic but can still be triggering so please skip to where you see "***" and begin reading at: “What are you thinking about?” if it makes you uncomfortable! I'll put a summary of it at the end notes and you don't need to fully read it to understand the rest of the chapter.

“If you believe in the shadow, you cannot help believing in the light.” ~ Akutagawa Ryuunosuke (Cogwheel and Other Stories)

Pick Up The Pieces:

A young boy raised his head when a door slammed open down the corridor. The strong vibrations traveled all the way to where he was huddled with his back against a stone wall. His feet bare on the freezing concrete floor. Without his doing, he flinched from the noise of jangling keys.

The boy shivered when a gust of air blew through the small window directly above him. It was his only source of natural light on nice days; the sun would cascade through it like spider’s string, highlighting the heavy dust evidently traveling in the air.

Although a furious storm raged on that day. The small room was engulfed in a dark cloud while waves of rain thrashed across the exterior of the building.

CRACK.

The walls lit up a pale blue as lightning struck somewhere outside. Each time the thunder rumbled, so did the cold chains around the boy's thin wrists and left ankle.

His stomach churned from lack of water and hugged his legs closer to himself to try and alleviate the pangs. The feeling was both numbing and excruciating, although it didn’t bother him as much as the fresh burns on his left abdomen afflicted upon him just the day prior.

He winced every time the swelling wound brushed against his tattered shirt, which was already barely hanging on his brittle shoulders.

Heavy footsteps drew closer and the boy flicked his attention to the entrance of his room—yet it was more like a cage than anything—and glared through the metal bars at his new visitor.

“Get up, Atsushi,” the headmaster ordered.

Atsushi didn’t budge. Too weak and too famished. He glowered at the malicious man in front of him.

A part of him knew compliance would earn him forgiveness but he knew he did nothing wrong. He was tormented here day-by-day without an ounce of empathy left for him.

“Get up!” the headmaster shouted again. His tone was more impatient but Atsushi didn’t have the strength to care. Not even to yell back—yesterday his howls lasted for hours while he tried to ignore the pain on his abdomen.

His throat was so sore from screaming.

Maybe he shouldn’t have snuck out of the cellar in the first place, but did that equate to the blistering wound he had seared across his skin?

Atsushi was young—but he was not naive.

The headmaster reached through the bars separating them and the boy yelped when he was dragged forward by a harsh grip on his hair. The chain around his ankle clanged loud against the floor while he was forced to look the headmaster in the eye.

“Do you know why you’re locked up here?” he taunted and Atsushi clenched his teeth. His scalp burned as the headmaster pulled tighter on his knotted hair and blinked away tears threatening to fall. “It’s in your nature to be swept up by power and hurt others. That will never change. It’s your fault. You do nothing but bring calamity upon those you encounter, boy. Exactly like your parents.”

“No!” Atsushi winced while he struggled against his grasp. “I’m not them.”

He’ll never be like them.

His parents who left him here like he was useless trash on the side of the street.

“Why do you think they abandoned you here?” The headmaster’s expression darkened just as another crack of lightning flashed through the window. “A beast like you doesn’t fit anywhere.”

***

“What are you thinking about?” Akutagawa’s smooth and velvety voice lured Atsushi back to the present.

Atsushi blinked as he tried to recall where he was. His hands shook slightly and he craned his neck to find his gaze immediately meeting Akutagawa’s. He realized his head rested on the other’s lap while his vision refocused and his socked feet dangled over the armrest of the living room couch.

“Nothing,” Atsushi decided to answer and tensed a bit underneath Akutagawa’s gaze. He could tell Akutagawa didn’t buy his answer by the way his mouth twisted into a small frown. A sting of guilt pricked Atsushi in the neck for not telling the truth.

But the heavy weight of his past was something he did not have the slightest energy to discuss in the given moment.

Music from the old radio in the corner played a slow jazzy-type song. On the table in front of them were two empty mugs of tea and a glass vase filled with flowers they bought at the florist earlier that afternoon. Atsushi didn’t see the purpose of purchasing them if they were just browsing for a future idea, but of course Akutagawa’s aunt insisted.

In the end, they both chose: white chrysanthemums, red spray roses, pink peonies, white calla lilies and baby blue eucalyptus leaves as accents (which Tomo said helped balance the overall color scheme). The bouquet was unique to them.

Akutagawa’s family was now outside in the gardens doing yard work and they heard Ume barking excessively at one point.

Probably at a squirrel if Atsushi had to guess.

As much as the fake wedding planning went over Atsushi’s head, he did enjoy picking out the different flowers with Akutagawa. Even teased him at one point by placing a small rose bud behind his ear and Akutagawa’s face deepened the same color. A warmth buzzed through Atsushi as he replayed that moment in his mind, overriding some of the uneasiness clinging to him after the resurfaced memory of the orphanage from all those years ago.

He caught the subtle movement of Akutagawa placing his book beside him and Atsushi swallowed while the other’s stormy eyes trailed over his face.

Yet Atsushi didn’t feel the need to look away—or shrink more unto himself from the full attention Akutagawa had on him. He found it more rare to look away when it came to Akutagawa. He couldn’t help shuddering when fingers traced his across the jawline and trailed farther up his cheek.

Atsushi froze when Akutagawa’s hand touched the top of his head. His eyes went wide when Akutagawa ran his fingers through his silver hair and he started giggling. 

Akutagawa’s hand paused. “What?”

Atsushi shook his head but Akutagawa’s eyes narrowed when his grin broadened.

“Atsushi—”

“Well I, you know, I er…didn’t think you would be so…touchy.”

“Excuse me?” Akutagawa grimaced and Atsushi’s laughter increased. Atsushi grabbed the other’s hand when he started to pull it away.

“Remember when we first came here? I swear I thought I would’ve been impaled by Rashōmon if I breathed too close in your presence!”

“Nothing is stopping me now!”

Atsushi snorted, “Sure, I dare you.”

Akutagawa tsked while he flicked Atsushi lightly on the forehead. He started weaving his fingers through Atsushi’s hair again and Atsushi closed his eyes as he leaned into the touch. A contented smile falling back onto his face.

“I always wondered, why is your hair longer on this one side?” Akutagawa asked while he twirled the silver strands with his pointer finger.

It was an innocent question but when Atsushi winced and his whole body became rigid, Akutagawa wished he held his tongue. 

“It’s just—” he coughed and sensed the need to shift the topic— “I used to have longer center bangs myself as a kid when we lived in the slums, so I was ah, curious.”

After a brief pause, Atsushi opened his eyes to observe Akutagawa’s face. The action was slow and cautious. He tilted his head.

“I honestly can’t imagine that...were the bangs…white too?”

“No, fully black. They fell more over my eyes unlike the side bangs I have now. It was getting annoying to have them affect my eyesight. One day I had enough, grabbed a pair of rusty scissors and clipped them off. I have kept my hair short since.”

The corner of Atsushi’s eyes crinkled while he imagined a younger Akutagawa attempting to cut his own hair. The thought of it was accurate enough with that impulsive personality of his. He also seen pictures of Akutagawa’s parents before, and the white-tip highlights the other had seemed to have been inherited from his mother.

And the more Atsushi thought about it, how much did he really know about Akutagawa?  

Over the past few weeks he obviously discovered more remnants of Akutagawa’s past through his family, leaving Atsushi to decipher the bits and pieces himself and somehow visualize a full picture together. A complete contradiction to the brute mafia dog he was forced to contend with after their not-so-peaceful first meeting in a random dingy alleyway in Yokohama.

How much of the young boy he was told through stories still exists within the current Akutagawa?

The young boy before he was thrown into society’s cruelty and any chance of survival depended on unethical depraved methods. Even if Atsushi disagreed with the coping mechanisms, he lived through the same fate—different circumstances but the same barbarism a child should never have to go through.

Ever.

It was also harder to recall the earlier days when they first fought together. Overtime Atsushi discovered the cracks in Akutagawa's demeanor. The secret pain that hid underneath Akutagawa’s tough exterior. So much animosity brewed between them without a second to try and comprehend each other then.

But now—they take the time to understand.

The truth of the situation didn’t feel real.

Even with their mutual feelings out in the open air, doubt tended to sneak up behind him if his mind got too quiet. When it began to swirl around his consciousness he sucked in a breath and locked eyes with Akutagawa.

“There’s something I haven’t told you yet.”

Akutagawa quirked a thin eyebrow. “Oh? Go on.”

Atsushi didn’t want to bring up any negative memories for Akutagawa but he knew not telling him might lead to a disaster farther down the line. Which was something he didn’t want after so many disagreements they previously had.

Skepticism overcame Akutagawa's features and with a hefty sigh, Atsushi sat up so he could look at Akutagawa better. He pushed his glasses back on top the bridge of his nose and shifted over to the free space on the couch. Akutagawa appeared apprehensive while he waited for him to speak.

“Uhm, well so—Dazai-san knows that we’re here. In Fukuoka, I mean. He overheard that phone call between us a few days ago.”

A zing of comprehension shot through Akutagawa’s cognition while he absorbed Atsushi’s words. That was not what he was expecting to hear. He assumed Atsushi was going to tell him something about his own past but this information was important to know too.

Dazai always did have a horrendous habit of poking his nose in other people's personal life. It made Akutagawa's own skin crawl from the mention of his ex-mentor but he appreciated Atsushi not keeping it a secret. 

Akutagawa hoped eventually Atsushi would open up more. He already put some of the puzzle together himself just by the way the other presented himself. Yet Akutagawa wasn’t going to rush him just how Atsushi didn't rush him. 

“I-I see.” Akutagawa placed a hand underneath his chin. “I suppose it was inevitable. It is Dazai-san, after all.”

Atsushi leaned back and looked at him with surprise. “You—you’re taking this way better than I thought.”

“I mean, it does change things when we return back home but I presumed it would be regardless because, you know—” 

“No…I actually don’t.”

“What do you mean?”

Confusion flashed across Akutagawa’s face and Atsushi hesitated while he curled in on himself on the couch. He wrapped his arms around his legs and hugged them close to his chest. 

“I just been thinking…are you sure us being together isn’t…weird? I’m still processing the fact we’re dating—wait, are we even dating now? Neither of us asked that question but we already kissed, said ‘I like you’ and—!” Atsushi’s neck flushed and hid his face in his arms. “Ack, sorry. I’m talking too much again…”

How would their even relationship work out when they’re back in Yokohama?

He was in the Armed Detective Agency and Akutagawa was in the Port Mafia. It was something he didn’t want to think about but he knew it was a conversation they needed to have. 

From not having a family at all growing up—especially not witnessing parents who loved each other—to now having a romantic partner, it did feel odd. It wasn't unnatural, but he sure wasn't confident on how to navigate a relationship.

It wasn't unnatural, but he sure wasn't confident on how to navigate a relationship.

“It’s okay,” Akutagawa murmured and reached out to smooth Atsushi’s face. “To be fair, I have no prior experience of courting someone else either. We’re both figuring it out.”

“Courting someone? What the hell does that mean?”

Akutagawa cleared his throat. “Does it not mean to pursue someone uh, romantically?”

“Dude, I don’t understand half the words that come out of your mouth.” Atsushi heard a huff of a breath leave Akutagawa and peeked over at him. It wasn’t anything out of anger or frustration, but actually amusement in the other’s expression.

“Well, to answer your prior question, no—I don’t believe us being together is ‘weird’. These new feelings we have are between me and you. No one else. Even if Dazai-san knows now, it doesn’t affect how…how I care about you. I promise, I’m not pretending anything.”

Yet, they did start out this trip pretending—neither could deny that.

To an extent they still are, Atsushi thought. 

He wasn’t twenty like Akutagawa and they definitely weren’t engaged.

“We haven’t even gone on an actual date yet,” Atsushi muttered and jolted when he realized he said that outloud. “I mean—not that we have too! It’s just I think that’s what comes after confessing and k-kissing…I-I don’t know. Kyouka-chan knows more about this stuff than me.”

Akutagawa raised a hand to stifle a laugh and Atsushi’s face prickled with heat. He wished he could sink into the couch more.

“Hey! Don’t laugh at me now! It’s not like you know any more than I— ”

“Let’s go out, then.”

“Huh? Like outside?”

“You’re so stupidly endearing sometimes,” Akutagawa smiled and Atsushi’s breath hitched as the other’s eyes softened. A rare light shone within his grey irises.

“Let’s go out on a date,” Akutagawa clarified and moved closer to detangle Atsushi’s arms around himself, interlocking one of Atsushi’s warm hands with his. “Just the two of us. No family. We’ve been here for about two months. Don’t we do that weekend getaway at this point with that 2-whatever rule we talked about before?“

“I—uh, y-you remember that?”

“Of course, I do.”

Atsushi forgot that it was still a thing.

He tried to conjure up a proper response but the close proximity of the other was also distracting.

“I’ll talk to Oba-san, or Oji-san and see what’s enjoyable to sight-see in the area,” Akutagawa continued. “We can make it just a day trip this time, but in the future we can go on a full weekend vacation together.”

The future? Atsushi couldn’t think that far ahead. Let alone comprehend what’s currently happening in his life.

Ever since the start of their fake (but now real?) relationship, his brain had been working overtime. Being with Akutagawa made his head spin if he was being honest.

Or maybe he’s not used to affection in general in this case. It was like a friendship—but more.

This type of relationship was more intense and way more intimate than anything he’s ever experienced. 

“What do you think, Atsushi?” Akutagawa asked and it caused Atsushi to jump.

Shit.

He wasn’t paying attention the past few minutes.

“I’m s-sorry…what did you say?” Atsushi scratched the side of his face with his free hand.

Akutagawa chuckled and said, “You’re interested in tea too, right? I know you’re more of a coffee drinker, but Yame is known for its premium tea blends so I was thinking maybe we could go to a tasting—or something of the sorts. Or just a cafe, if you’d prefer. We should try the local hōjicha or matcha.”

Atsushi’s eyebrows rose from a shimmer of difference that was evident in Akutagawa’s tone; something delicate and airy. It was new. His heart ached by how the other’s expression reminded him of an excitable puppy. He had never seen Akutagawa this expressive before either.

Akutagawa seemed happy.

And it was all because of him?

Atsushi still found it difficult to fathom that Akutagawa was this excited about the idea of hanging out together one-on-one. Willingly too?

It was going to take some time getting used to. After all, this was what dating someone else was like—and to his own shock Akutagawa was the one he was experiencing it with. A handful of first experiences for both of them. Atsushi’s eyes fell to their adjoining hands and then back at Akutagawa’s face.

“Sure, let’s go on that date,” he grinned when Akutagawa’s eyes met his. “I look forward to it.”

Akutagawa matched Atsushi’s expression. “Me too.”

In the back of Atsushi’s mind there was that seed of worry again; dreading public scrutiny and being castigated for something. He couldn’t pinpoint for exactly what but the feeling stuck to him.

Atsushi forced the sprout of anxiety away when Akutagawa began discussing the different types of green tea in Japan. He was impressed to learn there were about twenty different kinds, while also amused to witness how much Akutagawa loved the beverage.

It made Atsushi wonder again how much he had yet to learn about the other.

What were more of Akutagawa’s likes and dislikes?

Was there anything else that he never said out loud before but wanted too?

Atsushi’s curiosity craved for the answers and he hoped eventually he would be comfortable enough to do the same. For both of them to share their untold truths.

One day, Atsushi affirmed to himself.

One day he won’t be burdened by the wounds of his past.

Atsushi recalled wishing each day to be able to grasp the sunlight flowing through the small window and climb out of that dark room he was incarcerated in for years back at the orphanage. Everything he had ever known was that place until he was abandoned again when he was kicked out of it, yet it was a benefit in disguise looking back.

Even if working for the Armed Detective Agency was another version of madness that drove him into insanity some days, he would choose that over-and-over again rather than return back to being shackled to a wall.

Atsushi nestled into Akutagawa’s side to rest his head on his shoulder. The way Akutagawa spoke was soothing like a lullaby and he could probably fall asleep if he wanted to—but not now, trying to relish in the subtle reverberation of the other’s voice.

Nobody prepared him for what falling for someone would be like.

Atsushi could admit he was scared.

Scared by how time passed and moments like these slipped away as easily as sand in his fingertips. Nothing felt permanent and he never could predict how things would work out as much as he wished he did.

Hell, he didn’t envision himself and Akutagawa actually falling for each other on this trip at all.

Atsushi had a speculation before that Akutagawa did like someone when he saw the word ‘love’ scribbled on a line in his notebook that one time—and it turned out to be about him?!

Based on how their dynamic progressed recently it made sense, but at the same time it didn’t. They haven’t vocalized that L-word yet and Atsushi doesn’t think he was ready to jump the gun on it soon either. The closeness they shared now was a dream he never imagined months ago. Things weren’t the same between them anymore and he’s relieved they’re taking things slow for now.

With what was once unwarranted heated conflict was now dwindled down to an ember of something soft and warm; a mutual comfort that was foreign, but it felt safe.

He started to believe being with Akutagawa was similar to a beacon of light in the darkness. Maybe he could say they were each others’. A growing emotion blossomed within his chest when his gaze focused on Akutagawa again. 

Deep down he knew they could never go back to being “just enemies” if anything happened.

But he didn’t want to jeopardize what they could potentially be by thinking about that. Despite everything they've been through they somehow managed to find their way back to each other.

Atsushi listened to Akutagawa ramble on more about their upcoming date and forced his pesky thoughts to clear away. Amidst his own muddled mind, Atsushi at least understood he didn’t want to let go so easily of what they had.

He didn't want to lose what they were rebuilding together. Again.

He wanted to try and learn.

To be someone worthy for Akutagawa.

Chapter Text

Hello to everyone!

So, I explained this on a recent instagram story although if anyone was interested on me doing a potential Q&A regarding anything based on this Shin Soukoku story, please feel free to DM and/or comment any questions!

I’m still debating how this would actually work, but I suppose I’ll answer any questions in its own chapter farther down the line because I really want to do an “Author’s Notes/Acknowledgments” thing at the end where I list a lot of the irl references and facts incorporated into the AU.

If anyone has any suggestions, critiques, or other ideas I’ll also love to hear them too because I’m also new at this awhwhd,,

Anyways, THANK YOU SO MUCH for all the support and kind words on this story so far and I’m really excited to share the upcoming chapters with you <33 it truly all means a lot.

We love SSKK sm :’))

Chapter Text

 "People change; moment by moment. What strange creatures we are." ~ Nakajima Atsushi (Light, Wind & Dreams)

Too Soon:

As Atsushi entered the kitchen that morning he found a mug on the counter with three cubes of sugar already placed inside it. Beside the mug was a folded piece of paper with ‘For Atsushi ’ sprawled across with a tiny arrow pointing to the carafe with freshly brewed coffee.

He couldn’t stop a smile forming on his lips as he recognized Akutagawa’s handwriting. The letters were neat and fancy like a calligraphic font. Upon closer inspection it looked like the note was also torn out from the other’s notebook. While Atsushi scanned the items on the counter again he fiddled with the platinum ring on his left hand.

It was…nice.

Being in a relationship with someone—with Akutagawa.

A few days had passed since they confessed they liked each other, and it wasn’t as much of a drastic shift as Atsushi expected. They fell into a new normalcy.

Which was a good sign? Atsushi poured his coffee and aimlessly stirred it with a spoon while he drifted deeper into his subconscious.

He feared their dynamic would’ve changed too much after they started whatever their new relationship was, and yet both of them continued on with their usual routine they grew accustomed to while in Fukuoka. It was just some things that differed.

Atsushi chose to still sleep in the futon, which caused some slight dismay with Akutagawa, but Atsushi didn't feel the most comfortable sharing the same bed. At least not yet…

He didn’t want to rush into that.

And even if he didn’t wake up in Akutagawa’s arms, he didn’t wake up feeling alone anymore. Not like before.

In the early hours Atsushi would startle awake whenever Akutagawa got up first. Atsushi found his ability’s enhanced hearing a nuisance at times. Some days the trigger was the creaking of the bed, while others it was the faucet running in the bathroom.

The bedroom would still be basked in darkness and Atsushi dipped in and out of consciousness while he anticipated Akutagawa to leave the room, waiting to hear the soft click of the door closing and Atsushi would maybe, or maybe not see him before dinner.

Recently, Akutagawa lingered.

Atsushi thought he was dreaming when he first felt soft lips press against his cheek. Or tentative fingers trailing across his forehead to tuck stray hair behind his ear. He sensed Akutagawa’s eyes on him while he was in a half dream-like state and settled down next to him on the floor.

He wasn’t sure if Akutagawa knew he was conscious during these moments. Atsushi’s head was usually too groggy to react before exhaustion lulled him back to sleep for another few hours and Akutagawa was gone by that point; somewhere else in the house doing his own thing. And it was like what occurred hours before was a figment of Atsushi’s imagination…so it wasn’t, right?

Atsushi was tugged out of his thoughts when the hair on his neck raised and he tensed.

Someone was behind him.

He tilted his head just as arms snaked across his chest and a warm body pressed against his back. The metal spoon Atsushi was holding clattered back into the mug.

“You’re up earlier than usual.”

“A-akutagawa?” Atsushi’s breath stuttered from how husky the other’s voice was.

Akutagawa hummed in his ear and Atsushi resisted from shuddering as the vibrations shot down his spine.

“Good morning, my dear.”

Akutagawa tried to rest his chin on Atsushi’s shoulder but Atsushi twisted around so he could face the other. He sported a black hoodie today, much more casual than his usual outfits.

The corner of Akutagawa’s mouth twitched as Atsushi gave him a once over and a pretty dust of pink colored Atsushi’s face. He coughed to hide a smile. 

“Do you still want to call each other by these pet…names?” Akutagawa asked and Atsushi paused his (unintentional) gawking to lock eyes.

“Nicknames,” he clarified and quickly added, “and I don’t see why not. As long as you don’t find them weird, of course.” 

“Well, you are a weird guy.”

“Hey!”

“But you’re also endearing. Like a kitten.”

Atsushi scoffed, “Oh, shut up! I’m a tiger! You—” Akutagawa shushed Atsushi’s protests by hugging him tighter and Atsushi huffed against his shoulder. “You’re annoying.”

Akutagawa chuckled and pecked a chaste kiss into Atsushi’s hair. He squirmed a bit from the action. It tickled.

Sometimes Atsushi couldn’t fully wrap his head around how this was the same person that threatened him with a death sentence a mere month or so ago. He wondered how their six month deal would be affected by these unanticipated turn of events.

Especially since Akutagawa vowed to kill him.

Although as Atsushi leaned back to be met with such a soft beautiful smile on Akutagawa’s lips, the nagging thought vanished.

Atsushi caught the subtle movement of Akutagawa’s eyes flickering somewhere else on his face and he swallowed.

Their faces were close and Atsushi vaguely sensed his back was pressed against the kitchen counter. Akutagawa’s arms were also still wrapped around him.

Were they going to kiss?  

Atsushi’s heart thudded loud in his chest. They haven’t kissed since they confessed they liked each other. 

If that even counted, Atsushi thought. 

That was barely anything compared to how Akutagawa kissed him before. 

The night they first kissed…

Atsushi felt his face heat up the moment it materialized behind his eyes. One of Akutagawa’s faint eyebrows arched and Atsushi’s pulse spiked.

Akutagawa opened his mouth as if he was about to inquire why Atsushi was acting weird when they heard scurrying footsteps down the hallway.

They both immediately detached themselves from each other but apparently it wasn’t quick enough as Gin faltered at the open doorway. Ume followed in right behind her and she sat down on her hind legs, curious why Gin stopped moving. Ume barked happily with her tongue sticking out when she spotted Atsushi, while Gin’s sharp gaze pierced directly at her brother. Atsushi watched him flinch in his peripheral vision. 

A faint smirk danced across Gin's lips as she grabbed Ume’s leash off the kitchen table, turning on her heels without a word.

Atsushi gaped in the direction she went off to, prepared to run after her—to obviously explain themselves—but Akutagawa rushed forward and grabbed him, clamping a freezing hand against his mouth.

“Atsushi, don’t you dare.”

Akutagawa glared at the other as he mumbled incoherent words against his hand. Atsushi’s breath felt hot against his palm and Akutagawa couldn’t help but think how attractive Atsushi was when he was feisty. His own face prickled with warmth. Now probably wasn’t the time.

He eventually let go when Atsushi stopped resisting.

“How much does she actually know?!” Atsushi gasped as soon as Akutagawa removed his hand. He wrinkled his nose as befuddlement overcame his features.

“Who? My sister? About what exactly…” Akutagawa’s words fizzled out as his eyes widened and seemed to answer his own question. “Oh. Well. I honestly don’t know.”

“What do you mean, you don’t know ?”

Akutagawa’s face reddened. “Jinko, I’m sure you and Kyouka have a similar dynamic, but I am not one to disclose my personal love life to anyone. Even if we share the same blood!”

“Please, as if you had one before me.”

“I-I mean you’re not wrong, but still!” Akutagawa crossed his arms and took a deep breath to compose himself. He glanced over his shoulder before continuing, “To my knowledge, Gin is aware of exactly what caused this family trip in the first place. The ruse we..we’re engaged and that were co-workers. But, of course—”

“Things have changed,” Atsushi said and Akutagawa nodded.

“Yes, they have...”

A rare bristle of awkwardness settled between them. When it was just the two of them they didn’t have to worry about other people’s perception—and obviously Akutagawa’s aunt and uncle were under the impression they were already dating.

Not that it truly mattered in Akutagawa’s opinion, though he knew Atsushi would worry.

Akutagawa cleared his throat. “It shouldn’t—we could…never mind, I…I’ll just talk to Gin when I can. It’ll be fine.”

“Alright…”

Atsushi wanted to believe how they were going about this new relationship was normal (even if nothing in his life really was). It seemed normal for them at the very least. Given Akutagawa was a mafioso and he was a detective in different organizations.

His attention shifted back to Akutagawa as he moved to lean against the counter and scanned the kitchen. Pens and blueprints were scattered across the dining table in the center of the room.

“Do you want breakfast?” Akutagawa asked.

“Uhm, sure.” Atsushi tilted his head. “Though, I don’t believe your aunt or uncle made anything today. Didn’t they leave for the store a little while ago?”

“Hm, I believe so.” Akutagawa glanced between the gas stove and fridge. “We have eggs. I can try to cook.”

From the tone of Akutagawa’s voice, Atsushi was suddenly overcome with a bad feeling. He watched Akutagawa open the cabinet where the plates and glasses were stored as if more food was stored there.

“…Do you know how?”

“How hard can making eggs be, Jinko?”

To describe the kitchen as a battle zone later on was an understatement.

Akutagawa in fact did not know how to prepare eggs.

~

Atsushi wiped his forehead with the back of his hand and took a swig of water from the bottle Dōshō handed him earlier. 

Rain was due again soon.

Heavy moisture mixed with the backyard’s petrichor air and he cringed slightly by how his t-shirt stuck to his skin. Even the pleasant shade of the fruit trees couldn’t fully alleviate that feeling.

“I heard you and Ryuunosuke are spending a day in town this weekend.” Dōshō’s voice lulled Atsushi over to where he was knelt down on the patio, rummaging through the tool box.

Loose nails were scattered around the ground near Dōshō’s feet and Atsushi was anxious to pick them up as soon as Akutagawa’s uncle was done. He was wearing boots so he would’ve been fine if he accidentally stepped on one.

Yet you never know, Atsushi said to himself. A ghost pain on his own foot was throbbing in the given moment.

Akutagawa’s aunt and uncle returned back to the house a few hours ago and Atsushi had been helping with the greenhouse since, so Akutagawa decided to wander off somewhere to write.

“I believe we are,” Atsushi laughed as he replied to Akutagawa’s uncle. “I don’t know a single thing about it.”

Akutagawa wanted to surprise him with the itinerary so he was left in the dark until then. 

Their first real date.

Part of him wanted to ask Tomo what to expect on an actual date but Akutagawa’s family thought they had been together for… what? A few years by now?

He wasn’t sure. He doesn’t recall specifying that with their fake engagement storyline. Especially since his reality and what had been fake blurred together too much lately.

Maybe he’ll text Kyouka later and ask for some advice.

Dōshō flashed him a grin. “Right, Ryuunosuke did mention not to share any details to Tomo and I when he asked us about it. It’s definitely something his aunt would do too.”

“How so?”

“Oh, you know how Tomo loves her surprises.”

Atsushi wandered over to clean up the nails, tossing them back in their compartment as Dōshō juggled a few tools in his arms. He held out a hand and helped carry them over to the greenhouse’s exterior, settling them on the grass. 

The project was close to completion with a few more coats of white paint still needed, and with the high humidity recently it slowed down the process. A slight frown etched across Dōshō's face as he scratched part of the paint that started peeling in one corner.

They wanted to try and install the door soon, but Akutagawa’s uncle had also been indecisive on what kind of door to utilize—debating between a simple hinged door or Dutch one. Both seemed like a good idea for Atsushi.

Nevertheless, a swell of pride builded up in his chest as he took in the sight of what he helped create with Akutagawa’s uncle.

Maybe he could build something from scratch for his own home one day too.

I wondered what that would be like, he mused to himself.

~

The Next Day:

“Atsushi, watch out for the tree on the left!” Akutagawa shouted.

Atsushi jerked his head to the right. “What?!”

“The tree—watch out for the tree! And face forward, stop looking at me!”

Atsushi slammed his foot on the brakes just as Rashōmon manifested from Akutagawa’s jacket to create a protective shield in front of the windshield. The car’s tires screeched against the asphalt pavement while he swerved the vehicle to the right. The steering wheel in Atsushi’s hands shook as the car skidded to a halt. Thankfully missing one of the many fruit trees in the front yard of the premises.

Akutagawa placed a hand on his chest and could feel his own heart beating fast. He doesn’t think he feared for his own life until this moment.

“Did you put the car in ‘park’?” Akutagawa asked before anything else and double checked they both had seat belts on. 

“Ahh? No. Wait, give me a second—”

“Please remember to keep your foot on the brake.”

Atsushi glanced down and fumbled for the automatic transmission. Once the car’s gears were locked and Akutagawa deemed neither of their lives were in danger he deactivated Rashōmon. His ability slithered back to the black hoodie he currently wore and sank back into the car seat. He hacked a few coughs into his sleeve while Atsushi readjusted his glasses.

The shock in Akutagawa’s body was fading but it didn’t stop the high of adrenaline coursing through him.

“I can’t even argue with you right now.” Akutagawa stared in disbelief before twisting his body towards the other. Atsushi shot him a sheepish smile.

“Uh…yay?” 

“I swear you have a death wish for both of us! We’re going out on our first date this weekend  and you almost crashed my car.”

“Rental car,” Atsushi mumbled and held up his hands when Akutagawa glared at him. “I mean, I am so sorry! How clumsy of me to get distracted while driving.” He lowered his hands. “…Do you not trust me?”

“I don’t believe trust has to do with whether you’re able to drive correctly.” Akutagawa rolled his eyes but the corner of his mouth turned. “You’re a fool.”

“Thank you.” Atsushi emitted a loud sigh, “Why are you teaching me this anyway?”

Akutagawa’s thin eyebrows rose. “It’s an important life skill with our line of work. Aren’t you at least a bit curious about how to do so? Due to the Port Mafia I don’t have an official driver’s permit but—”

“You don’t have a license?! Jeez, why the hell am I letting you be the instructor then?”

Akutagawa tilted his head while he thought about that. “Would you rather have the fourteen-year-old who knows how to drive teach you?”

Atsushi rubbed his temples when he remembered Kyouka driving a stolen car when that mysterious fog manifested within Yokohama a while ago. He shuddered. 

“I guess not…”

“I was the one who taught her anyways,” Akutagawa added and Atsushi’s eyes went wide.

“You’re kidding me!”

“I can confirm, I’m not.”

Atsushi pressed his forehead against the steering wheel. “Akutagawa! Why are you like this?”

“Like what? And why are you still calling me by my last name?” Akutagawa retorted and Atsushi heard the rustling of the seat belt when the other crossed his arms.

“Huh, where did this come from?”

“You only referred to me by my first name like once or twice without my family present.”

“Uhm, well I thought you said to only use it for fake relationship purposes?”

“Is what we are now considered…fake?” Akutagawa’s voice dropped to a murmur. It was tinged with an emotion that made Atsushi’s shoulders deflate and turned towards Akutagawa while waving his hands.

“No, no! That wasn’t…that was not what I meant! Seriously, you called me ‘Jinko’ for the longest time and you’re bothered if I use your last name?”

“…I’m not bothered.”

Atsushi squinted at him. “Dude, you so are.”

“You call my sister by her first name,” Akutagawa countered and Atsushi took a deep breath, holding back an instinctive sarcastic remark.

He realized Akutagawa seemed insecure about the topic.

“Gin asked me directly to call her that,” Atsushi said and watched Akutagawa’s posture relax a smidge.

Akutagawa raised a hand to cough to ease a tickle in his throat. He kept his hand on his mouth as he said, “I just been wondering why, that’s all.”

The other’s grey eyes were averted as a blush crept on his face and Atsushi couldn’t help but gaped at him.

Did Akutagawa always look this adorable?

Atsushi shook his head before any weird ideas entered his brain. 

“There’s not really a reason,” Atsushi explained while tugging at the collar of his shirt. He considered opening a window as the heat started to affect him. “I guess, it’s more of a habit? Regardless of what I call you—you’re still you . Nothing changes that.” Atsushi leaned forward when Akutagawa didn’t reply right away. He un-clicked his seat belt so it didn’t strangle him and tried to get the other to look at him. “Ryuunosuke? ”

Akutagawa’s gaze snapped directly at him when his first name fell from Atsushi’s lips. 

Quite frankly, Akutagawa was still processing the words Atsushi spewed out and now his own brain completely stopped working. He heard Atsushi say his first name before but that was under different circumstances.

Last time they were both exhausted from his asthma flare-up and in a near-deleterious state; swept up in the moment of their shared struggles.

This time—Akutagawa was fully aware. He was able to hear how each syllable rolled over Atsushi’s tongue. The delicate tone of the other saying his name like it was something sacred.

Akutagawa removed the hand covering his mouth and reached out to trail it down Atsushi’s cheek. Both of them jolted from the sudden skin contact but Akutagawa couldn’t bring himself to move away. 

“Ryuu—”

“Can I kiss you?” Akutagawa whispered.

Akutagawa watched the gold overpower the purple in Atsushi’s irises when Akutagawa’s words reached his ears.

They were both situated on their respective sides of the car but somehow in the past minute they found themselves bridging the space; their faces close enough they could feel each other’s breath. The fear of crossing the line was no longer relevant between them anymore.

Akutagawa’s body was facing the driver’s side with his hand still on Atsushi’s face and he traced the shape of Atsushi’s mouth with his thumb.

Atsushi swallowed before nodding his head to Akutagawa’s question. Not trusting himself that foolishness wouldn’t spill out of him.

A small smile forming on Akutagawa’s mouth was the last thing Atsushi saw before Akutagawa kissed him. Atsushi grabbed Akutagawa’s arm to stabilize himself and a pleasant buzz radiated where their lips touched. The sensation was just as sweet as the first time they kissed each other.

If anyone told Atsushi would end up kissing the same man that declared to kill him multiple times he probably would’ve written that off as complete absurdity.

Akutagawa used to be the rudest and most reclusive person Atsushi knew—and yet…

Atsushi’s head swayed when Akutagawa moved his hand so it cradled the back of his head; the action so simple but gentler than anything else Atsushi experienced. Akutagawa’s other hand still lingered on Atsushi’s cheek.

And yet…

Was Akutagawa’s promise of killing him actually true?

Because the mafioso who made that declaration was a facade in Atsushi’s opinion; someone who resorted to intimidation rather than logic.

Because he was weak?

No, Atsushi thought.

Atsushi believed Akutagawa was never given an actual opportunity to learn other means besides violence. Due to reasons they already discussed in the past and something they would continue to learn about each other.

So, how long were their echoing desires between the two of them?

The thought crossed through Atsushi’s mind just as Akutagawa deepened their kiss and he stifled a gasp. His pulse spiking from the new action and Akutagawa’s cold hands wandering his neck sent heat waves throughout Atsushi’s body.

The person kissing him now was not the same man he encountered in an alleyway a few months ago. He could probably argue it also wasn’t the same person who dragged him to Fukuoka under the guise of a favor. Atsushi found it to be a miracle the resentment between himself and Akutagawa even dissipated to begin with.

When exactly did Akutagawa begin to like him?

Was it when—

“Atsushi,” Akutagawa rasped against his lips, “Stop thinking.”

“H-how did you—”

Akutagawa let out a faint chuckle and Atsushi opened his eyes, flushing when he realized Akutagawa was already staring at him.

They were no longer kissing but their foreheads touched and Atsushi honestly felt like that was more intimate than what they already had been doing.

“I can sense a million things running through your head right now,” Akutagawa said and Atsushi shivered when his warm breath fanned across his face despite the humidity in the car.

Atsushi’s eyebrows furrowed. “If you already know, why don’t you ask?”

“Care to enlighten me, then?”

“I just…”

A breath caught in Atsushi’s throat when Akutagawa shifted his hand to cup the side of his cheek.

He does that a lot, Atsushi noted while reveling in the pleasant coolness of Akutagawa’s hands against his hot skin. This closeness was strangely comforting.

Atsushi always assumed he would’ve been too self-conscious and awkward when it came to the physical aspects of a relationship, but he hasn’t felt that way with Akutagawa at all. Maybe when they were faking it, sure —although they weren’t pretending anything right now…

“You’re thinking too much again,” Akutagawa teased and Atsushi blinked twice to refocus.

Akutagawa fixated a stare through his long eyelashes and Atsushi observed how the other’s eyes resembled raindrops. His grey eyes used to be frigid and harsh like a torrential downpour, but overtime abated down to something calmer; similar to how dew glistened on the viridescent grass on a summer morning.

Atsushi breathed out, “Sorry.” Akutagawa opened his mouth to respond but Atsushi murmured, “You’re so beautiful.”

That made Akutagawa freeze. His eyes widened ever so slightly. It was the second time that day Atsushi stunned the other man. 

Beautiful? Akutagawa echoed in his mind. How on earth was he…beautiful?

Especially compared to someone like Atsushi. 

Akutagawa cracked a wry smile. “I should be saying that to you, Jinko.” Although it doesn’t stop the inadequacy seeping inside of him.

Every inch of Atsushi was by far more exquisite than himself—his smile, his voice, his laughter, his heart —all of it.  After all, they were the same reasons he absolutely despised the other man initially.

The weretiger flourished in the light while Akutagawa withered away in the shadows. Akutagawa considered it a wonder how there wasn’t anybody else in Atsushi’s life that caught his attention before— somebody else who could’ve swept Atsushi off his feet.

The idea alone made Akutagawa nauseous. The ‘what if’ of the situation.

Yet they were here now…somehow.

Atsushi leaned back to get a better view at Akutagawa’s face. His eyebrows furrowed again from the odd look Akutagawa was wearing. 

“I meant what I said, Ryuu.”

“I know.” Akutagawa shifted so he leaned against the car door, not quite meeting Atsushi’s eyes. “T-thank you.” He internally winced from how awkward and forced he sounded.

So many other responses he could have said jumbled together in his head while he collected himself. The ability to fully accept the compliment wasn’t quite there, but he didn’t want to make Atsushi feel bad. Akutagawa huffed at himself but brushed his thumb across Atsushi’s cheek. To assure him he wasn’t mad.

“Te…tell me what you were thinking early.”

“Oh? That was uhm…” Atsushi trailed off and scratched the side of his face.

Well, he had two options there:

1. Ask if he was still getting skinned alive by the end of this trip.
2. Ask how long Akutagawa had feelings for him.

Atsushi decided to go with the lighter topic.

“I was actually wondering…when you…started uh, liking me.”

Akutagawa held his gaze while Atsushi’s question floated in the air. “That’s quite difficult to say.”

A quietness fell between them but it wasn’t an uncomfortable one.

Prevalent moments Akutagawa shared with Atsushi flickered behind his grey eyes. Both the good and bad. His feelings for Atsushi began as an effervescent rage that was fueled by his unresolved desire to be acknowledged by Dazai.

*

“People need to be told they’re worthy of being alive by someone else or they can’t go on. Why can’t you understand such a simple thing?!”

*

Akutagawa jolted when the words Atsushi threw at him on the freight ship entered his mind. It couldn’t have been that early—

He couldn’t deny how much that day elicited such a sore wound in his already weak body; blacking out after hitting the cold waters; recalling how he failed to save his own parents; the nightmares that followed…

Atsushi’s words were like a knife that stabbed him ten times over and each encounter afterwards twisted deeper inside Akutagawa. He hated it.

He hated Atsushi for being validated for the one thing he never received. For obtaining everything he fought years to gain but all he grasped was nothing. How was that fair?

Then over and over again his heated hatred sparked into something else; an intangible, peculiar emotion that made him lose control of what he had known since he met Dazai.

His jealousy changed into curiosity—and perhaps that was what allowed him to finally see through his clouded judgment.

Akutagawa placed a hand underneath his chin while delving into more memories to wrack his brain on a solid answer, but was pulled back to the present when Atsushi laughed. His laughter was tinged with nervousness and Akutagawa bit his lip, unsure how to react.

“Ahh well, it’s okay I guess.” Atsushi waved his hand in a nonchalant manner but his voice shook slightly. “It’s not like it really affects us now, right? I-I was just wondering.”

Akutagawa felt the sudden need to apologize, but instead reached out to cup both sides of Atsushi’s face and planted a kiss on his forehead.

“You’re right,” Akutagawa murmured against Atsushi’s skin, “it doesn’t change anything between us. I wouldn’t want to change anything.”

Every past experience of theirs led to this current one—a combination of past choices and mistakes—and God, Akutagawa would relive it all again if it meant Atsushi stayed in his life forever.

There was so much more Akutagawa wanted to say, but he didn’t know how to articulate it. He was much better with words on paper than expressing them out loud. He shifted and pressed another kiss above Atsushi’s ear while trying to decipher his own feelings. A squeak of surprise escaped Atsushi but he didn’t pull away.

“Shall we go back to teaching you how to drive?” Akutagawa suggested it as a futile attempt to move past the current topic (to at least think it over more) although Atsushi seemed to have other ideas.

“Are you kidding me? After you just did that?” 

“Did w-what?”

Atsushi leaned forward and pulled Akutagawa closer by the drawstrings of his hoodie.

“Kiss me again.”

Akutagawa’s eyes widened from the other’s sudden boldness.

Oh.

That.

Akutagawa smirked. “Are you sure you don’t want to learn how to parallel park? You don’t want to crash into another—”

“Shut up, Ryuunosuke!”

And he absolutely did as Atsushi’s mouth enraptured his.

Chapter Text

"In a nap at midday
    I met my beloved,
Then did I begin to believe
     In the things we call dreams."

~ Izumi Kyōka ("One Day in Spring”, Japanese Gothic Tales short story collection)

An Interlude:

13 Years Earlier…

Energy was high in the atmosphere throughout San Francisco's windy and bendy streets that day. It was a late Friday afternoon and the persistent itch to the start of the weekend intensified as hours ticked by.

A golden bell jingled against a weakened door frame of a flower shop Tomo happened to stumble across on her way to an evening architecture class. She donned a floral-embroidered sun hat and smoothed out her yellow sundress. Immediately, she was met with the refreshing smell of honeysuckles near the entrance, alongside hints of jasmine and faint whiffs of other florals.

Almost like a cup of brewed tea, she mused as she stepped fully inside the establishment, tucking some long dark hair behind her ear. She tossed a wet umbrella in a tin bucket at the entryway. The sound bouncing off the wooden walls and through shelves and shelves of various flowers.

She maneuvered around a table of calla lilies to peek over at the front counter on the left. A young man about the same age as herself was behind it. He appeared distracted while fiddling with some wire and a handful of red flowers in his hands.

And quite disheveled, Tomo noted as her gaze fixated on the worker's unkempt black hair, wrinkled white shirt and soil-stained gloves stuffed in his jean's pockets. Her eyes swept across the empty store and then back at the worker. The shop doesn't seem busy enough for the man to be that stressed-out looking. Maybe they had a rough morning?

Not wanting to bother them she ventured off in the opposite end of the store to what she initially sought after when arriving. She beamed when she found the sunflowers, reaching out to touch the delicate yellow petals. She had a final project due within the next upcoming weeks and needed some florals for her blueprint sketch ideas. The sunflowers were perfect!

Although she needed another one to complement them. Her hand hovered over the pale yellow roses right next to the sunflowers, yet paused mid-action.

Maybe a flower that was a different color would work better. She placed a finger over her lip as she scoured the other florals nearby. If only she knew more about flower symbolism because she couldn't just pick anything.

Especially since she also needed to make a presentation explaining all the components of her project, which was for a layout of an urban plaza. This project was like fifty percent of her grade and her internship next semester depended on her current work portfolio.

She perked up from the noise of shuffling boxes across the store and was reminded of the fact she could just ask the florist here. They should hopefully know what suits sunflowers best. With her mind set on that, she grabbed a few sunflowers from the bucket and ventured back to the front of the shop.

Tomo faltered when she reached the cash register area and didn't see the worker where she remembered. The red flowers and wire abandoned on a workbench.

Just as Tomo was about to call out towards the backrooms, a rattling squeak of something rolling on wheels caught her attention. She turned around and spotted the florist on a ladder rehanging some of the seasonal decor signs that were for sale.

"Excuse me!" she shouted but the other didn't  respond. In fact, they didn't even seem to react. Odd.

She walked over right behind where the florist was and looked upwards. "Excuse me?" she repeated a little louder.

No response.

Can they not hear me? Tomo squinted and finally noticed a pair of wired headphones in his ears. She sighed at this worker's lack of responsibility.

She chewed her bottom lip, unsure if what she was about to do next was really appropriate, but she needed to get back to her apartment to work before class. While on the tip of her toes, she reached as high as possible and tapped on the florist's shoulder.

The florist let out a small yelp of surprise and they both flinched when they locked eye contact. With a puzzled look the florist pulled out one of his headphones and Tomo waved.

"Hi, sorry to bother you but can you please help me find—" she began when suddenly the wheels of the ladder shifted and the flower shop worker's eyes blew wide.

Tomo tried to stop the ladder from moving (really, she did) but she forgot she was still holding the sunflowers and didn't want to crush them. She winced when the florist fell and landed on the ground with a loud heavy thud. Dust particles dispersed everywhere and Tomo covered her nose to stop a sneeze.

"Oh gosh...are you okay?" she asked and the florist's head snapped up to meet her gaze. Tomo winced again when his arm hit the wall behind him and clutched it to his chest.

"Ouch!"

This person was a mess, Tomo couldn't help from thinking.

While holding back a sigh, Tomo held out her free hand. The florist rubbed his elbow as he glanced up at Tomo again with a dazed drunk-like expression. After a few seconds of delay, the florist finally grabbed her hand and she took a huge step back once he got back on his two feet. Tomo watched him wipe off any floor dust off his apron and smooth out his already messy shirt.

Like that would really help at this point. She resisted grimacing. He needed to iron it.

While her gaze raked over the disheveled florist her eyes caught his name tag.

Was that Japanese?

"Dōshō?"

"Uhm, yeah...that's my name," the florist said and Tomo jolted. She didn't mean to say it out loud.

"W-well at least we know you don't have a concussion!" she responded, trying to hide the embarrassment leaking in her voice. The two locked eyes again and more warmth flooded her face.

Tomo cleared her throat. "Are you okay? That looked like a pretty hard fall."

"Oh?" Dōshō raised his arms and looked down at himself as if to check for broken bones. He grinned at her. "I think I survived. What's your name?"

She blinked. "Pardon?"

"Your name? Or do you not have one?" the florist teased and Tomo rolled her eyes but couldn't stop the smirk forming on her lips.

"It's Tomo."

Dōshō's grin widened. "Well, thanks for the hand earlier, Tomo."

"N-no problem."

His gaze dropped down to the sunflowers in Tomo's arms. "Uhm, are you ready to check out?"

Tomo shook her head. "I actually wanted to ask what you think would go well with these—like in an...assortment, I suppose?" Incorporating the sunflowers in the structural features of her plot layout was her main thought process, and adding another flower would enhance the visuals. "Something with meaning."

"Meaning?" Dōshō snickered and Tomo narrowed her eyes.

"You're a florist, aren't you? You should know that all flowers mean something!"

"Oh, I don't know anything about flowers."

A flabbergasted noise stuttered out from Tomo's lips as her mind caught up with what she just heard. "What?!"

The florist chuckled and made a motion with his hand. "Kidding. What about red roses?"

Tomo took a deep breath before responding. What's with this guy?

"That's too tacky," she said and Dōshō nodded.

"Okay, then baby's breath?"

"Hmm, perhaps a bigger flower?"

"White chrysanthemums?"

Tomo wrinkled her nose. "Funeral flowers?"

"Any flower could be a funeral flower if you really think about it," Dōshō pointed out. "And you're not giving me not much to work with. What's the occasion here?"

"Obviously not a funeral," Tomo sighed as she tried to articulate her thoughts. She didn't want to explain her whole project to a stranger. "I just need one unique flower that would pair well with sunflowers in a design. So a contrast in color would be nice too."

Dōshō hummed in acknowledgment and wandered over towards a flower display parallel to the front door. "What about these?"

Tomo's eyebrows rose. "Hydrangeas? Seriously another funeral flower," she deadpanned.

"Geez, how many deaths did you have to experience to be this dour over flowers," Dōshō exclaimed but then quickly waved his hands. "Shit, wait—that was really insensitive of me to say. Please forget everything I just said."

Tomo merely shrugged. "I take no offense." She tapped her foot on the ground while she glanced at the clock on the wall.

"In all seriousness though, sunflowers and hydrangeas could work well together."

Tomo looked back at him and pursed her lips. "Why?"

"You mentioned 'meaning' earlier, so hear me out...both flowers are beautiful and versatile. Yet, sunflowers are associated with the sun and hydrangeas with water, so they can be seen as opposites." Dōshō picked up a blue hydrangea and hovered it near the sunflowers in Tomo's arms. "And blue creates a lovely complementary harmony with yellow."

She analyzed the two flowers side-by-side of each other and did admit their contrasting features were an interesting combination. In the back of her mind Tomo did recall an older Japanese story regarding hydrangeas. Her eyes flickered back to the florist and flushed when she noticed he was already staring at her.

"Uh, I—I suppose they could work."

He smiled, "Perfect."

Tomo wordlessly followed Dōshō back to the front counter after he gathered some hydrangeas and took the sunflowers from her hands. He took a foam-looking object out from under the table and began arranging the flowers as a bouquet.

He was in the middle of clipping a sunflower stem when the light metallic bell at the front door rang, signaling a new customer. His expression lit up as he peered behind Tomo. "Hey, Fuku!"

Tomo peered around to see a frazzled woman hurrying two small children into the flower shop; one boy and one girl. At first glance, the kids appeared to be twins with their identical bright grey eyes and ebony hair, matching the woman's exquisite features, except Tomo could tell the boy was older by the full head of inches he had over the girl.

The young boy happened to sense Tomo's stare and spared a glance in her direction with a distasteful expression. Tomo flushed and turned back around where Dōshō was working.

The woman, Fuku, greeted Tomo with a polite smile as she maneuvered the kids behind the front counter.

"You two better behave," Fuku ordered as she sat them down at one of the work benches and turned towards Dōshō with a loud sigh. "I'll be back in a few hours, thank you again. Toshizō's business meeting shouldn't be too long."

"You know I never mind," Dōshō laughed and pulled the woman in a brief hug. The woman smiled and prepared to leave as her sharp gaze met Tomo's again. Fuku bowed her head slightly before rushing out of the store and the little bell rang throughout the store again. A quietness settled back into the store as the sound faded away and all that was heard was Dōshō cleaning up the flower stems with his pliers. Except the peaceful silence didn't last very long.

Tomo and Dōshō both flinched from a loud screech of table moving across the floor and turn their attention to where the kids were at.

"Ryuu, give it back!" the little girl whined and grabbed the arm of black-haired boy from across the workbench. He had a long scowl on his face and glared at the girl.

"No. Leave me alone, Gin!" He shook her off his arm and Gin's face fell. She clenched her small fists at her side as she pouted and Tomo noticed the boy had something hidden behind his back.

"Oji-san! Ryuu is being mean!"

Oji-san? Tomo repeated in her head. She observed with wide eyes as the girl who went by the name of Gin run over to the florist. She paid no mind to Tomo though and stood there watching the scene unfold with some amusement. The girl was so short she could barely be seen over the front counter.

Dōshō flashed Tomo an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry, excuse me for a moment."

The florist glanced down at the little girl now tugging harshly on his apron and placed the pliers he was holding down on the counter. His gaze shifted between the girl and over where the boy was still scowling.

"Is that true, Ryuuonosuke?" Dōshō asked in a strict tone.

"Am not," Ryuuonosuke huffed underneath his breath as he trudged over but stood a few feet away from Tomo.

Gin stomped her feet aggressively. "Liar!"

The young boy opened his mouth to retort but Dōshō intervened before the fight escalated even more.

"Now, now kiddos, there's no need to yell." He knelt down in front of Gin and wiped away a tear with his thumb. "Tell Oji-san what happened."

Gin sniffled as her bottom lip quivered and pointed at Ryuunosuke. "H-he took my puppy."

Dōshō scratched his head. "Puppy?"

"Yes! He's going to hurt it. Do something Oji-san!"

Ryuuonosuke rolled his eyes. "It's not even real."

"It's real to me!" Gin ranted and Dōshō sighed as he tried to calm her down.

"Hey, we talked about this before, Ryuuonosuke. She's younger than you and doesn't know any better," he reprimanded. "Can you please give Gin back her dog?"

The boy held out the stuffed animal from behind his back, holding it like it was poisoned. "Look at this thing. It looks like a drowned rat!"

Tomo did admit the boy was right. The stuffed animal looked more like a demonic creature with bulging soulless black eyes with a red collar than a cute dog.

"Ryuunosuke!" Dōshō scolded lightly. "I don't think you would appreciate Gin saying that to you. Especially to that one white cat you cling onto all the time."

"I don't anymore," Ryuunosuke grumbled, although the tips of his ears turned red.

"Oji-san..." Gin looked up at Dōshō with pleading eyes.

Dōshō glanced at Ryuunosuke again. "Ryuunosuke, I'm asking nicely—please give Gin back her dog."

The boy clenched his teeth. "But why—"

"You should listen to him, kid," Tomo blurted out and Ryuunosuke's glower shifted to Tomo, scrutinizing her once over. The annoyance in his gaze flickered into confusion.

"Is she your girlfriend, Oji-san?" Ryuunosuke asked with a slight head tilt.

"No, she isn't—"

"What? No!"

Tomo and Dōshō shot each other with wary glances and he gave her a sheepish grin.

"I am so sorry...he can be extremely blunt at times." He shooed the boy away his hand and gestured with his head. "Go over there with your sister and behave like your mother said. I need to help out this customer, Ryuunosuke."

With a loud huff the boy did what he was told and crossed his arms while he wandered over to where Gin was poking at a daffodil, the stuffed animal held tightly in her arms.

The florist held back another sigh and diverted his focus back to Tomo again, returning behind the counter.

"I am once again so sorry," Dōshō muttered as he ran a hand down his face.

"It's alright," Tomo laughed and tucked some hair behind her ear. "They seem like good kids."

"Ah, well yes, mostly. Ryuunosuke isn't when he's being stubborn. Which is ninety-percent of his personality actually. He gets it from his mother."

Tomo tilted her head. "...Are they yours?" She glanced over at the two kids (now bickering again over something else) and then her gaze peered down to the florist's left hand.

There was no ring.

"No," Dōshō answered, although his expression brightened. "Niece and nephew. I do treat them like my own sometimes though."

Tomo stifled a giggle with her hand. "Make sense."

So 'Oji-san' means uncle, she realized.

Dōshō held up the bouquet. "So, uhm these flowers for you?"

"They're for a f-friend," Tomo lied while fidgeting with her hands.

She was unsure if lying was necessary but she didn't want the other to confuse her personal questions with potential interest. She did not have the time to pursue any romantic relationships with her future career on the line.

"Ah." Dōshō's eyes glistened with clarity. "I understand."

She flinched when he laughed. "W-what's so funny?"

The florist's glanced over to her briefly before focusing on the bouquet again.

"You said your name was Tomo, right?" the florist said and she nodded with suspicion brewing. "The name means 'friend' in Japanese. Thought that was a funny coincidence."

"O-oh..." Tomo didn't know how to respond to that but the other didn't seem bothered.

She watched Dōshō finish cleaning up the flower's stems and fasten the whole bouquet together with a white ribbon. The color contrasted beautifully with the yellow and blue flowers.

"Do you want to add a note for them?" Dōshō asked while he adjusted the ribbon and Tomo tore her gaze away from the flowers.

"For who?" she questioned and her heart skipped when Dōshō smiled at her again.

"For your friend."

Right, Tomo mentally cursed herself. She already forgot the small white lie she told.

"I'm...okay. Thank you, though!" She returned the smile the best she could.

"Of course!"

She tapped her foot while the florist rang up her order on the register and she snuck another glance at his eyes again. It was the color brown that looked like golden honey whenever light fell on them at the right angle. She glanced away before he noticed.

Dōshō did some final adjustments to the flowers before handing the finished product over. "Well, here you are, Tomo."

"They look lovely. I appreciate it...Dōshō," she said while half hiding behind the flowers and the florist's expression brightened when he heard his name.

"I'll see you around?"

"Maybe," Tomo answered and turned to leave the store with the bouquet close to her chest. Her gaze flickered over to the two young kids on the way out and a strange feeling of familiarity overcame her.

She didn't think anything of it until many, many years later...

~

Tomo shuffled into her bedside table and took out the letter that they received from Gin and Ryuunosuke, delving in about where they were the past decade. It was a true mystery how on earth those kids survived this long without their parents.

A bitter sweetness sat on Tomo's tongue while she recalled how distraught Dōshō was when they first heard the news about the accident involving his older sister, Fuku and her husband with the kids. For years Dōshō and herself just accepted they were all gone until they discovered the kids were alive in Yokohama, Japan of all places.

That was such a dark time, she thought as her eyes trailed across the written letter, which was physical proof the kids were still alive as she slid out two photographs that came with it. The two seemed to have grown into such wonderful individuals. They had to catch a plane to Japan first thing tomorrow morning and would be seeing the kids again soon.

She smiled as she glanced between the one photo with Gin and her brother at a park of some sort, and then the other with Ryuunosuke with his fiancé.

Although she did have to squint a bit to make out the full image in that photo since it was pixelated and sorta blurry from the distance the photo was taken at.

His fiancé's name was Atsushi, wasn't it?

~

Present Day:

"What do you mean I have to dress for what suits the occasion?" Atsushi sputtered into his phone and Kyouka's sigh reverberated through the tiny speaker. "I have no idea where we're going!"

Atsushi paced back and forth in front of the bed in the room. Akutagawa was currently in the shower and Atsushi's brain already felt like a frayed wire as he tried to not let his thoughts stray. God, he wished he could turn them off.

"Aren't you two just faking everything? What's the point of stressing now?" Kyouka's meek voice was laced with a hint of teasing, and Atsushi wanted to smack himself. He forgot to mention this wasn't a fake date.

"Kyouka-chan! I seriously need help with this because Akutagawa and I are—" Raucous laughter on the other end made Atsushi freeze. His grip on the phone tightened as dread spilled into his nervous system. "Oh my god, you're not alone right now?"

"Sorry, Atsu—"

"Who knew the tiger-cat could get so pent up over something so trivial," Lucy giggled into the phone and boy, did Atsushi wish he could swipe the conniving grin he knew was wide on her face.

"Kyouka-chan, you didn't tell me Montgomery-chan was nearby?!"

"It's Thursday," Kyouka said like it was obvious.

"Huh?"

"We always hang out on Thursday nights."

An incredible expression overcame Atsushi's features. How was he supposed to remember this? He emitted an exasperated sigh while running his fingers through his hair.

"We were in the middle of baking cookies when you called Kyouka-chan," Lucy explained although it didn't cease the tension in Atsushi's neck. "I also heard you returned back to Yokohama for a few days and you didn't even say hi!"

Atsushi winced, relaxing his hand around the phone. "I—I'm sorry. A lot of things were going on..."

"Clearly," she deadpanned. "Definitely more so in terms of the so-called mission everybody assumes you're on."

"Hey, my life is on the line here! It's practically a mission."

Lucy snickered, "Depending on what? Whether you could pull off anything but stripes for this date, tiger-cat?"

"That's definitely not what I meant!" he huffed. "And please don't call me 'tiger-cat'. I don't think Akutagawa would be thrilled on you calling me that."

"Alright fine, but I'm sure you'll knock him dead first with that dashing smile of yours."

Atsushi pinched his nose as he wished to be free from this conversation. He flopped down on the edge of the platform bed with a tired huff.

His mind was already on the verge of splintering into pieces by how he could explain himself to Lucy. Plus the whole ADA and PM not knowing about this situation either. He actually lucked out that Dazai was behind bars for the majority of the Fukuoka trip.

"Montgomery-chan, I'm being serious here!"

She also had no clue about his and Akutagawa's six month deal and was in the middle of conjuring up an explanation when a new voice spoke up.

"Who the hell is 'Montgomery-chan'?"

Atsushi stiffened as he heard the bathroom door click shut. Shit, he didn't realize it opened in the first place . He twisted around to find fiery grey eyes glaring directly at him. His mouth fell open as he took in the sight of pearls of water still lingering on the other's pale skin, dripping onto the wooden floors, or soaking into the loose dark nightshirt hanging off his thin frame.

"Ohh is that them, Atsushi-kun?" Lucy's voice rose with excitement and everything surrounding Atsushi became TV static and blurred together.

"Uh huh..." he said as Akutagawa stalked over with a long frown etched across his face. He gingerly took a seat beside Atsushi and leaned closer to the phone.

"Care to tell me who you are, Montgomery?" Akutagawa asked and Atsushi shot him a warning look, which earned him a faint scowl.

"Why, I'm flattered you're so curious about me," Lucy replied and Akutagawa picked up a faint American accent. "I'm Lucy! Lucy Montgomery."

"...Lucy?" Akutagawa repeated her name slowly. His eyes widened as he realized. "Ah, I have heard about you. The ex-Guild member."

"Likewise, mafia-boy," she retorted and Akutagawa grimaced. He wondered if Fitzgerald gave all the Guild members a debriefing on the ADA and Port Mafia.

"You better not be hurting him, Akutagawa," Kyouka interrupted and Akutagawa let out a curt humorless laugh before Atsushi could interject anything.

"Don't think so low of me, Kyouka." The iciness in Akutagawa's tone caused Atsushi to flinch and his expression softened as he caught the movement. "To ease your fears, we're not at each other's throats. Not anymore, at the very least."

There was a beat of silence on the other end of the phone and Atsushi's breath hitched when his gaze locked with Akutagawa's. An unwavering amount of emotion swirled around in the other's grey irises and Atsushi's head became dizzy.

"That's what I assumed," Kyouka's voice cut through the room again, severing the strangely new energy building between the two. Akutagawa looked away from Atsushi with a flushed face and Atsushi pressed the back of his hand to his own warm cheek.

"W-what's that supposed to mean?" Akutagawa gruffed out and heard a muffled giggle (presumably from Lucy).

She whispered, "These two really are as dense as you described, Kyouka-chan."

"You have no idea," Kyouka agreed.

Atsushi snapped his head up. "Hey! We can hear you!"

And Lucy's laughter continued on as if it didn't matter and Atsushi might've heard Kyouka join in.

Akutagawa made a noise of discontentment and Atsushi stiffened as the other's breath unintentionally fanned against his neck. The warmth caused an odd sensation to coil in his gut and shifted his legs, making the bed to creak slightly.

Atsushi almost jumped out of his skin when Akutagawa rested his chin on his shoulder. Whatever weird energy that was present between them before suddenly surged back into full force and he let out an embarrassing expulsion of air.

Akutagawa gave him a quizzical look before speaking into the phone. "Is there anything else you two want besides pestering us?"

"Jeez, who spit in your tea this evening," Lucy complained and Akutagawa's brain backtracked.

"Who told you I drink tea?"

"I have my sources, mafia-boy. No need to get your panties in a twist."

"My what?" Akutagawa shook his head. "Nevermind, I actually don't really care. Oi, Atsushi—"

The man in question raised an eyebrow. "Uh, yeah?"

"Is there anything else you wanted to talk about with them?"

"Er...no."

"Perfect." Akutagawa took the opportunity to take the phone from Atsushi's hand. "I wish you both a wonderful night."

He immediately ended the call before either Lucy or Kyouka could say anything else.

Atsushi shot him a glare. "You didn't even let me say bye!"

"My apologies." Akutagawa leaned forward and rubbed his temples. "The conversation wasn't very pleasant."

"Well, I wasn't the one who bombarded it."

"I didn't expect to re-enter the room and overhear you on the phone with someone! What was that even about? Are you hiding something or doubting me—"

"No!" Atsushi rushed out and cupped Akutagawa's face with his hands. "God, no. I would never do that to you. I just...I initially called Kyouka to ask her a question and didn't know Lucy was with her either. I was caught off guard too."

Akutagawa looked like a lost puppy as he absorbed the words and Atsushi traced his thumb along his high cheekbones, analyzing him. He spotted on the right side of Akutagawa's face there was a faint birthmark right underneath his eye that was barely visible in the dim lighting.

"Does them knowing about us bother you?" Akutagawa asked and Atsushi tensed up slightly. He blew his bangs out of his eyes and shrugged.

"It's something I'll deal with later," Atsushi muttered and tried to focus on the soft glow of the lamp reflected in Akutagawa's irises. He already knew it was inevitable for other people back in Yokohama to learn about him and Akutagawa. He just needed time.

"...Then what did you ask Kyouka about?" Akutagawa added quietly while crossing his arms, but he didn't try to pull out of Atsushi's grasp.

"Our date."

Akutagawa blinked. "Our date?"

"Yeah, I wanted help on deciding what to wear."

"That's it?"

"Why?" Atsushi's eyebrows furrowed as he thought back on the last few minutes. "Hold on, were you jealous?"

And Akutagawa suddenly wished to shrivel away and hide as Atsushi's question cut straight into his weak demeanor.

"I was not," he retaliated and now tried to move away but Atsushi wouldn't let him, keeping their gazes locked on each other.

"Ryuunosuke, don't lie to me."

Akutagawa huffed, "I wasn't!"

Atsushi rolled his eyes and without warning surged forward to press his mouth against Akutagawa's neck. The action drew a sharp intake of breath straight out of Akutagawa's lungs and he held back a cough. His entire body trembled when one of Atsushi's hands traced his jawline while he continued peppering light kisses against his skin.

"Wha-what are...what are you doing?" Akutagawa panted and placed a hand on Atsushi's chest, not meaning to signal he wanted him to stop, but rather just get the other's attention. Atsushi's mouth hovered right above the junction between his shoulder and neck and Akutagawa could sense a smirk on the other's face.

"Do you want me to stop?" Atsushi murmured and Akutagawa shuddered as the other's voice sent vibrations down his spine. His nerves felt like they were set on fire.

Akutagawa breathed, "N-no, keep going."

What on earth was happening right now?

Akutagawa bit his bottom lip to hold back an embarrassing noise when Atsushi kissed his neck again. "What are you, a vampire or something?"

Atsushi snorted. "You're one to talk by how you dress. And last time I checked—vampires bite, not kiss."

"S-same difference," Akutagawa managed to say. His eyes fluttered closed as his mind focused on Atsushi's lips. Each peck felt like a match setting his skin on fire. What would it feel like if Atsushi did bite him? He placed the hand not on the other's chest behind him to steady themselves on the bed, while also trying to grasp his sanity maybe.

He had to admit, this push and pull of their dynamic was addictive from the start. Of course, starting out in a completely different context with (mostly) unwarranted fighting—but nevertheless, Akutagawa found it dangerously exhilarating.

"There's no reason to be jealous, Ryuu."

Akutagawa's eyes shot open. "What?"

"I wouldn't want to do this with anyone else either," Atsushi sighed against Akutagawa's collar bone, breathing in the smell of his floral shampoo; the sweet scent wafting everywhere in the room from his shower earlier.

Yet it was a juxtaposition to the bitter taste spilling inside Akutagawa's mouth as his thoughts clouded with doubt. Is what they're experiencing now truly love?

Even if Atsushi said he liked him it doesn't equate to actual love in the long run. Everything prior to their first kiss was solely for the fake engagement plan—so how much during that time was considered real for them? For what they are now?

Akutagawa knew Atsushi worried about their future, but he didn't know how to breach the subject without catastrophizing about it as well. It was so easy to pretend they didn't have a whole other life back in Yokohama. Separate lives for that matter. 

He thought about this before. It wasn't impossible to make things work, but it would be difficult. He witnessed what happened between Dazai and Chuuya. Their relationship crumbled into pieces years ago and they're still living in the aftermath of it.

Would he have the courage to move on and give up what he and Atsushi had if they were forced to due to their occupations? He wasn't sure...

Atsushi was the unexpected wildfire in his life that burned out the frostbite inside his damn heart. All of this a blessing and curse—since he never knew he would have found something that would allow him to feel this alive again. If Akutagawa had the ability to, he wished they could stay in Fukuoka with his family for eternity, and just forget about everything else.

Here, they didn't have designated roles that defined them or had obligations to their respective organizations—they were just Nakajima Atsushi and Akutagawa Ryuunosuke.

One boy from the slums and the other from an orphanage, and they still managed to find each other in this strange and chaotic dark world.

Yet it didn't erase the fact Akutagawa was a killer, and Atsushi was a savior.

"You truly are a mystery to me, Atsushi," Akutagawa said out loud and Atsushi stilled against his shoulder. When Atsushi didn't say anything he continued on, "What did I ever do to deserve you?" The warmth radiating between them muddled his senses but he could still feel Atsushi's heart beating fast underneath his palm.

Atsushi tilted his head to look at Akutagawa better. "You're suddenly being really sappy"

Akutagawa shrugged while he tangled his fingers in the other's soft silver hair, marveling at how wide Atsushi's pupils were dilated. "I'm...trying to cherish the moment, I suppose." Because you're so precious to me. "Sometimes I can't wrap my head around how we got here."

Atsushi chuckled. "That's true. You were an absolute pain when we first arrived at your family's house."

"Oh? So I'm not one anymore?"

"Don't push your luck." Atsushi swatted Akutagawa's arm lightly and they both fell into a bout of laughter. "Finding out you had a crush on me this entire time was even more bizarre."

Akutagawa's mouth fell open. "I...I d-did not have a crush on you, you fool."

"That doesn't sound very convincing. I saw what you wrote in your notebook that one time. You know, when we accidentally collided into each other."

Akutagawa's eyes narrowed. "That...doesn't prove anything."

"So you admit you write love poetry in your free time? You're more of a romantic than I thought," Atsushi snickered and Akutagawa tried really hard to keep a straight face, but the red tips of his ears were giving him away. "I mean, I can admit you helped me understand something too. After we...uh, kissed." He leaned into Akutagawa's touch, closing his eyes.

"...Understand what exactly?" Akutagawa couldn't decipher the expression on Atsushi's face.

Atsushi peeked one eye open before grinning. "Why I always tried to figure you out—why I was drawn towards you...even if you were the most impatient person to deal with." Atsushi's smile widened when Akutagawa scoffed lightly. "There's been this, I don't know...unrelenting feeling tangled up inside of me that makes me question whether I do anything right—hell, I didn't even consider I liked men either until this trip happened, and your family a-accepted me right away. I wasn't...I wasn't raised with the privilege to express myself, let alone understand what was beyond the walls of the orphanage...but then I met you."

"What are you saying, Atsushi?"

"Uh, that I think I'm bisexual? Because that's a thing you know—"

"Fool, of course I know what that means." Akutagawa's head spun as so many words swirled around in his head. "I'm talking about how all this equals me helping you?" When all I ever did was hurt you.

"I feel safe with you," Atsushi declared and Akutagawa's breath caught in his throat. "And yeah, I know it sounds counterintuitive based on all shit we went through—but I do."

Akutagawa swallowed thickly as he scanned across Atsushi's face and found no trace of insincerity. The other man just continued to gaze at him with that stupidly endearing smile. A brief thought danced in Akutagawa's mind on if he had the confidence to say three certain words.

Ones that have been written in retrospection, but not spoken verbally to the man in front of him.

But is this actually love?

Akutagawa couldn't help but ruminate over and over about this. He wondered if he would've asked his parents for advice if they were still alive.

And what if Atsushi wouldn't say it back? 

That notion alone was enough for Akutagawa to hold his tongue and wait. It was probably for the best anyway—since the fragility of their relationship was still so new.

These feelings he held for the weretiger were delicate like a butterfly; yet the thing about butterflies was the more you attempt to catch them, the farther and farther they fly away. He needed to be careful and not rush ahead of himself.

He didn't want to lose Atsushi.

Not again.

After a quick exhale, Akutagawa leaned forward to press a kiss against Atsushi's forehead and rested his head against the other's shoulder. "Can you sleep here with me tonight?"

"What the hell?" Atsushi leaned away to look at him in the eyes. "That's improper!"

"You were practically attacking my neck earlier. I don't think 'improper' is the correct way to phrase this." Akutagawa caressed the side of his arm. "We did it once before."

Atsushi ran a hand down his flustered face. "You know we were both sleep deprived and weren't thinking straight at that time."

"Just like now, apparently."

A wave of emotions ranging from embarrassment to frustration crossed over Atsushi's face and let out a huff before throwing a pillow at Akutagawa, who dodged it with a faint smirk.

"I didn't hear you say no yet, I'll take that as a yes?" Akutagawa's smirked widened, while also relieved his worries were fading momentarily. "I want to hold you."

Atsushi pursed his lips. "Okay, okay just let me turn out the—" Before he could even finish the sentence a crackling red tendril materialized from Akutagawa's nightshirt and shot across the room. A look of bewilderment on Atsushi's face was the last thing Akutagawa witnessed before the room was blanketed in a comfortable darkness.

"There," Akutagawa said and coaxed Atsushi to lay down beside him, "you don't have to worry about it anymore."

Atsushi sighed, "Have I told you how annoying you are?"

"So I've heard." Akutagawa wrapped his arms around Atsushi as their heads hit the pillow and kissed his cheek. "But, you like it."

Atsushi laughed and kissed him back. "I like you, Ryuunosuke."

"...I like you too, Atsushi."

Little did he know how much Akutagawa actually loved him. Perhaps, on their first date.

He'll say those three words.

~