Work Text:
I will never again feel the way I felt about you, I will never again feel the way I felt when i was with you, i will never again feel the pain of losing you.
I will never be able to express what meeting you, loving you, being with you was like.
I will never be capable of knowing the way the world shakes, the world stops, my heart stills, my heart races, the way I exist around you.
I will never know the peace I knew with you. It is gone, it is over, and I am lost. I am lost.
I wish you knew I expected nothing of you, I wish you knew that you were enough. That you being there, you existing, was enough. I wish you knew all those breakdowns felt better if I could just sit in a room with you. I wish you knew how to communicate. I wish you knew how to express yourself. I wish you knew how to set boundaries. I wish you knew how to stop me before it had gone too far.
I wish you knew that I tried and it wasnt enough and i wish you knew that even though you said you didn't want to take it away from me, you did.
I listen to Olivia Rodrigo for the genuine feelings of wishing I had been more, I change my hair, paint my nails, remake myself in an image of what you never knew in a hopes that it will bring me the peace that I am not who I was and not who I will be and this time is not the same as before.
This time is not the same as before.
I remind myself, because it is so very the same in every possible way. Your phrasing, your timing, my feelings, the finally settling in of trust ive never known and the earth shatteringly taking away of it. I have never known this and I never will because you will always take it away. He will always take it away. They will always take it away. It is never ending. I will never know peace. I will never know calm or safe or unafraid. I will never know home the way you once did. The way I once did.
I consider running away.
Ive done it before, leaving everything overnight, abandoning ship and not looking back, disappearing. God I crave the disappearing. I miss the running and the freedom and the relief that at least this time i left first.
But then again, that's what you were going for, wasn't it? The leaving first. The not being shut down or abandoned or heart broken. That's all you were looking for.
And I guess I took that from you.
It's been 3 days, if you count today. It feels like I will never be enough.
I leave the music on, leave the heart empty, and move on.
I am empty.
I have done this before.
I will get through.
...i feel nothing. i comfort him. i stay silent. i wait my turn.
there is no pain if you dont want there to be.
I have done this before.
and i guess thats enough.