Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Ritsuka had always been aware of who he was as a person. He knew exactly what he liked and disliked, what he was interested in and what he wasn’t. Stuff like that wasn’t a really big deal to Ritsuka. However, there was something that Ritsuka had an epiphany about way back when he was in elementary school. The ‘cute’ clothes that he mother picked out felt strange on him. It was a feeling that Ritsuka didn’t know how to describe, it just didn’t feel ‘normal’, so to speak.

Kids in his class thought that the young Ritsuka was pretty approachable. The boys asked him what Ritsuka’s favorite color was and the girls asked if Ritsuka wanted to play hide and seek with them. The young-yet-headstrong-Ritsuka didn’t have a problem with making friends with his classmates, it was really nice to have friends to play and hang out with. Still, despite the fulfilling feeling of friendship in Ritsuka’s heart, his head was feeling dull. There were days where his brain kept sending signals that something wasn’t right. Those days were everyday, and the feelings were going on twenty-four hours a day.

Ritsuka’s parents didn’t suspect that something was up. As far as they knew, their second-born child seemed to enjoy playing with his friends at school and excelled at certain subjects. Neither his mother nor his father (hell, even Yayoi) knew that underneath Ritsuka’s smiling, childish grins, that his own inner demons boiled like hot water inside him. The tiny voice in the back of Ritsuka’s head frequently made remarks about things. It was like knowing a birth date— Ritsuka just knew that ‘it’ was there. Nothing new, really.

It wasn’t till Ritsuka was almost six when he’d start making small changes. He started wearing action-hero shirts and requested to wear khaki shorts.

“... okay... why?” His mother had asked.

“‘Cuz.” He’d responded.

“‘Cuz why?” She seemed intrigued, it was a strange thing to ask for.

“‘Cuz all my friends wear shorts. I wanna be like them.” Little Ritsuka Said, awkwardly looking at his shoes.

“Oh, really?” His mom said, “As long as you promise to wear them, it’s okay with me. No point in getting them if they’re just gonna sit in your closet for forever.”

He gasped and gave his mother a tight hug, thanking her profusely. She’d enforced the fact that Ritsuka would have to wear the shorts.

“I will!” He said.

“Alright, then.” She said “ You better not stuff them in storage like you did with your dresses.”

Yeah.

Ritsuka had made sure to get rid of any dresses that his parents had bought for gifts. He thought that they looked gross on him, like that they didn’t fit. Looking back, Ritsuka’s epiphany mainly surrounded this moment in time.

Although there was absolutely no problem with little girls not wanting to wear dresses and frilly shirts in favor for T-shirts and other boy-ish clothes, that moment still felt like it was much more than just wanting to be a tomboy. It was a sign. It was a very early sign, but a sign nonetheless. Little things like this popped up more over the next two years. He’d wanted to cut off his long hair, he’d wanted to get a less-girly nickname from his friends from school. He’d wanted Yayoi to call him by his name instead of “Ritsuka-chan”.

He was depressed, too. It was a year before he entered junior high when a clouded wave hit him. He would have to be dragged out of bed in the morning, he’d gotten dark eye bags from lack of sleep, and he didn’t eat unless Yayoi forced him to. She was arguably the first person who knew what was up. She’d personally gotten a front row seat to Ritsuka’s downward spiral, and it was a scary sight to see. One summer night, a week before Ritsuka’s birthday, she’d sat him down in his room for a genuine talk.

“What’s wrong?” She’d asked, being sure not to sound insensitive or sarcastic.

“Nothing.” Ritsuka had robotically said back.

“Nothing?” Yayoi repeated, “That’s a load of horseshit.”

“It’s really noth-“

“Bullshit!” She’d said, voice rising, “I’ve sat at that dining room table every goddamn day watching you waste away!”

Ritsuka felt shaky, he’d never heard Yayoi shout like that. Well, she did shout every once in a while, but not with that much emotion in her voice.

That emotion was layer after layer of fear.

“Please, Rikka.” She’d said, voice breaking. “I want to help. I want to help you.” Yayoi was seconds from breaking down mere centimeters away from her younger sibling. Ritsuka also felt like crying, the hot tears pooling near the corners of his eyes. He wanted to cry, he felt like he’d die if he didn’t. Still, Ritsuka felt like that he should still play dumb and say ‘ah, there’s nothing wrong’. If he was smart, he could just play it off as a bad case of the flu. Half of him wanted Yayoi to wrap him in a tight hug and tell him that everything was going to be alright, that everything was going to work out in the end. The other half of him wanted to tell Yayoi to fuck off, let him boil in his own thoughts, away from anybody’s gaze, all on his own, bothering nobody.

His falling tears prevented him from choosing between his two options. Ritsuka was shaking, his arms and hands gradually tensing up as he curled up towards his bed. Yayoi somehow managed to catch him before he fell, which heavily relieved some of the fear in Ritsuka’s body.

Y’know, that’s the thing. The whole fucking problem was because of his fucking body. Well, it might not have been just because of his body, but he was too lost and confused to really care. He wanted to wear the male junior high uniform and be called “-kun” so badly. He’d silently prayed for it every day since he was small. He hated everything after realizing that his prayers would go unanswered. It was hard to go a minute without thinking about what life would be like if he had been born male. Ritsuka would probably have been in some little league sport and gone raising hell with his friends. He’d still tease Yayoi as much as he already did, though.

Crying the longing and pain of the years away felt so reliving. Ritsuka felt safe when crying in the arms of his sister. He felt like he’d actually be able to tell Yayoi everything that he’d been thinking about... everything that he’d wanted to do to himself, too. This was the perfect opportunity to feel heard by someone who could try to get help for Ritsuka.

And he didn’t want to pass this chance up.

“I’m sorry, so so so so sorry!” Ritsuka blubbered out under a tidal wave of choked up sobs. She just smoothly patted Ritsuka’s head, not saying anything, as he continued to cry into her shirt. The two Uenoyama siblings stayed like that for a while, at least until Ritsuka had calmed down enough for him to speak.

“You’re not okay, Ritsuka.” Yayoi Said in a shaky whisper. “Please don’t say that you are.”

Ritsuka nodded his head, not giving a verbal response.

“I’ll always be here if you want to talk.” Yayoi sniffled, “So please talk to me.”

Even if Ritsuka had wanted to, he wouldn’t be able to leave his room unless he did his best to talk about what he’d been feeling with his sister. Looking up towards her face, Ritsuka could see that her eyes were
redder and puffier than his. When Yayoi was crying, you could bet your ass that you can tell that she was, after all. He wanted to disappear and never be found again. Part of him wanted to die while the other half argued that his family and friends would be sad.

There was just... so much noise inside of Ritsuka’s head. The noise was constant, filled with fear, lack of understanding, want, and hate. The noise was mind-numbing, and it hurt so damn badly. Every day, he marched to his room like a soldier with a battle wound and laid down to cry in the comfort of his pillow. He’d constantly lived and suffered to find a feeling of satisfaction that he wasn’t even sure existed. If it did exist, Ritsuka guesses that God didn’t like him as not to give Ritsuka the peace of mind that he’d desperately prayed for every night. Ritsuka just wanted someone to understand that pain, the pain of not knowing when you’re going to feel better and live in the moment.

When Ritsuka really sat down and thought about it, he wasn’t even sure that he’d ever truly lived in the ‘here and now,’ he’d only been thinking of ‘what’ and ‘how’.

“Ane-san ,” He shakily Said, “I wanna tell you. Well, but...”

“But what?” Yayoi asked.

“But I’m scared.”

“Scared of what, Ritsuka?”

Ritsuka paused, “Of what you might say.” He said.

“Ritsuka, the last thing I’d want to do right now is judge anything you wanna say.”

That was reassuring. Ritsuka was still hesitant to let it all out, but he still wanted someone to know what he was feeling.

“I’ve... I’ve just been so confused lately.” Ritsuka shakily Said.

“What have you been confused about?” Yayoi Said as she released her tight grip on Ritsuka’s arm. She hoped that it hadn’t bruised his skin.

“Everything.” Ritsuka Said, “Everything That I’ve done.”

“How so?”

“It’s kind of hard to describe, I’m not sure how to say it.”

“You shouldn’t think about things too much, it’s bad for your skin.” Yayoi teased as she tried to lighten the mood. She’d wanted her sibling to feel comfortable enough to talk.

“I just... don’t feel right.” Ritsuka Said, not sure how to say that he didn’t want to be in a girl’s body.

“Have you been depressed?” Yayoi gently asked.

“Yeah,” He responded, “but that’s not all of it.”

“Okay, go on.” She said with an encouraging tone.

“I’ve just... never felt right as a girl.” Ritsuka said, trying to be as straightforward as he could possibly be.

“Could you try to explain that, Rikka?” Yayoi genuinely asked. Oh shit, Ritsuka would have to try and get into the technicalities of how he felt.

“I’ve done some searching about this stuff. Y’know, not feeling like a girl.” Ritsuka gently eased his head up from his sister’s shoulder, wiping his eyes in the process, “Transgender. That’s what it’s called, I think.”

“You think that you might be transgender?” Yayoi reassuringly asked.

“...kinda.” He said in response.

“Okay.” She said in response to Ritsuka’s response. “Do you wanna maybe go see a therapist about this? Not just the transgender thing, though.”

Ritsuka wiped the remaining tears out of his eyes.

“I mean, I think going to therapy could help you out a lot.” Yayoi Said.”I just want to help in any way I can, Rikka.”

Ritsuka felt like he could have a heart attack and die, if he did, he’d die peacefully. After literal years, he finally managed to feel heard by someone.

“Yeah, I think I should.” Ritsuka Said as he cleared his throat with a cough.

“Do you want me to talk to Mom and Dad about any of this?” She asked, fixing her crooked position on Ritsuka’s bed.

“Could you... not tell them about the trans thing yet..?” He pleaded with her, “I just-I’m not totally ready to tell them how I feel inside.”

Yayoi softly smiled, “I can do that.” She said.

“Okay... thank you, Yayoi. For everything.” Ritsuka stuttered out, not sure how to properly give Yayoi his thanks.

“No problem, Rikka. It’s what family’s for, right?”

“Yeah... it is.” Ritsuka said, feeling more confidently.

Chapter Text

Years after Yayoi expressed her concerns with Ritsuka, he had finally gotten help that he needed. It was a process that was rather lengthy, however. And that process nearly resorted in tragedy.

The two siblings confronted their parents about what was going on with Ritsuka. For the most part, their mother and father seemed to take the news with a grain of salt. ‘Surely it’s just one of those teenager angst phases,’ they thought, ‘it’ll pass in a year or so.’

Unbeknownst to Ritsuka’s parents, Ritsuka did not get over it in a year. In fact, he seemed to have gotten worse. He’d come home every day and fall asleep on his bed, only waking up for dinner. (Which he barely ate.) Even when he tried focusing more on the band and practicing guitar, his mind was still filled with fucking anger.

Ritsuka didn’t know how to cope. He’d tried looking up certain options on Google a couple of times, some of the stuff that it suggested helped. He talked to Yayoi about his day and started keeping a journal where he vented and wrote about every thought in his head. For the most part, they both helped make some progress in improving Ritsuka’s mental state.

Ritsuka was in his second year of junior high school when shit finally hit the fan. When he changed schools, he had decided to cut some ties with people he’d known. Some part of him didn’t want people remembering him as ‘that gloomy looking girl with pigtails’. It was easier starting anew as ‘that gloomy looking boy who always slept during school and played guitar,’ which was much more accurate to his character. Ritsuka also managed to convince his mother to let him cut his hair. She was surprised that he wanted to cut all of his long hair, but she seemed to understand that it was ultimately Ritsuka’s choice. However, he still had to wear the girls’ school uniform, which really sucked.

A few months into the first semester, Ritsuka had entered the biggest slump of his life, he felt physically sick all day long. During class, he held back gags while taking notes during lectures. Ritsuka didn’t eat lunch with his friends, either. He always had some sort of excuse, ‘I have to go finish my homework’ or ‘I’m going to find somewhere to nap’ were most frequently used. That was when he’d hurry to the school parking lot and dry-heave the lunch period away. He felt dizzy and exhausted, he felt like dying.

He threw up in a flower bed a few minutes later. Suddenly, a thought raced through his brain. “Huh, maybe dying might not be so bad.” Realizing the severity of those thoughts, he quickly tried to brush them away. Surely, Ritsuka wouldn’t kill himself, why would he? He had friends and parents and an older sister who all loved him so much.

That was the thing though, they loved Ritsuka Uenoyama. But they only loved the surface level appearance of Ritsuka Uenoyama, the person who slept during class, played guitar, and occasionally played basketball with the boys. They had yet to meet the Ritsuka Uenoyama who was a messy, uncomfortable person who never felt like he truly belonged in his own skin. Nobody, with the exception of Yayoi, truly understood the constant stress he was under. Ritsuka often wondered what people would say if they figured out, would they brush it off? Would they shun him? Would they accept him for who he truly was? Ritsuka didn’t know.

So, he tried to cope. He coped in the worst way possible.

Ritsuka first attempted a week before Christmas. His parents were visiting relatives and Yayoi had gone to hang out with her friends. Ritsuka was home alone, all alone with the dark and murky fog that took up his thoughts. He wasn’t sure how, but he ended up rustling through the medicine cabinet in the kitchen. Ritsuka brushed past old cough medicine and bottles of his prescription meds. After a few seconds, Ritsuka grasped the golden ticket of the bunch: a freshly-opened bottle of melatonin pills.

Without thinking, Ritsuka settled himself on the couch and shook out three pills. The plan was for him to take the medicine in small doses. He started with the three and proceeded to wait ten minutes before taking two more pills. The bottle was half-empty when Ritsuka started feeling drowsy. Ah, so the medicine was starting to kick in. After swallowing eleven pills, Ritsuka set the bottle aside as he started drifting in and out of consciousness.

“Is this what death feels like?” He asked himself, “it’s not as bad as I thought.” For some strange reason, Ritsuka always pictured that death would be hell to go through. He must’ve watched too many slasher movies, because experiencing death wasn’t all that dreadful. Ritsuka knew that what he was doing was shitty. Yayoi would never forgive him for it, she’d probably curse him out at his funeral or something.

But Ritsuka was tired, of everything. He wanted to feel better, normal. He wanted to be reincarnated as a boy, where he could live more freely as someone who wasn’t scared to be himself.

He closed his eyes as darkness clouded his vision. Everything was tranquil and quiet, Ritsuka could hear the faint chirping of birds outside.

“...ka..?”

What?

“...ka?!”

Huh? Was someone there?

“...TSUKA!”

Who was yelling? They’re being kinda loud.

“RIKKA!!”

Oh no. Yayoi found him.

~

Ritsuka woke up in a bed of white a few days later. It was a bed that he didn’t recognize, which started to worry him. Did he really die? Was he just hallucinating?

“Ritsuka..?”

He turned to his side to see his sister and his parents sitting in small hospital chairs. They all simultaneously ran towards him and started breaking down as they hugged a still-sleepy Ritsuka. Yayoi wailed out, telling Ritsuka that he should’ve just talked to her more. She got mad at the Uenoyama parents, blaming them for the reason that Ritsuka was unable to get the professional help that he needed in the first place. It all escalated into a big argument, all while Ritsuka watched in a dazed state.

“Why’d you do it, you asshole?!” Yayoi yelled, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what?” Ritsuka sleepily mumbled.

“Everything!”

“Everything?” Ritsuka’s Mom Said, “What’s ‘everything’ about?”

Neither of the siblings answered. Yayoi knew that Ritsuka wanted to tell their mom and dad whenever he was ready and Ritsuka already knew that there was a chance that neither one of his parents would take the news lightly.

“You don’t wanna know, okaasan.” Ritsuka Said.

His father bent down so that his face was directly a few inches apart from Ritsuka’s.

“Rikka,” he started, “please...” he paused, “I don’t want to see you hurt like this again.” He leaned up to kiss Ritsuka on the forehead. “You’re my beloved daughter and I love yo-“

“Please don’t call me that.” Ritsuka interrupted.

“What?” His mother asked.

“Don’t call me that.” Ritsuka said, “don’t call me your daughter.”

“Why, Ritsuka?” His dad asked.

Ritsuka silently exhaled, this was the moment of truth. Hopefully the huge gamble he was taking wouldn’t hurt him again.

“I’m not a girl.” He said, “I’ve never felt like one.”

His mother started to say something when Ritsuka cut her off.

“Before anyone says anything, just please hear me out.” He said, positioning himself to sit upright in the bed.

“Okay,” his father gestured, “we’re listening.”

Ritsuka proceeded to spill everything that he’d felt over the years. He told them about him disliking being called a daughter and a girl. He told them that he could relate to his guy friends more, not just in a tomboy way. He told them that he never felt right as a girl. He told them that those feelings were the reason that he was in the hospital.

Everyone was quiet for a while. All eyes were focused on Ritsuka, who felt uncomfortable sitting in the staring gaze of his parents and sister.

“So...” Ritsuka’s Mom Said, breaking the silence between everyone, “you think you’re a boy?”

Ritsuka felt awkward, like he was being judged harshly by the people he loved.

“Yeah.” He said. “Are you mad, okaasan?”

His mom gasped before rushing over to Ritsuka’s side to give him a hug.

“Why would I be mad?” She asked, “I don’t fully understand it, but it’s important to you, so it’s important to me. I’m your mom, Ritsuka.” She paused to gently run her hand through Ritsuka’s short black hair. “I’d never hate you.”

More crying ensued, most by Ritsuka. Literal years of uncertainty and guilt famished faster than lightning. He felt relief, pure serotonin ran through his veins.

Soon enough, the parents apologized, knowing that Yayoi was right and that they were foolish for not getting Ritsuka help sooner. They almost lost one of their precious children just because they didn’t want to accept the reality that Ritsuka wasn’t born to be a girl. Everyone apologized profusely through their tears, Ritsuka for attempting and the other three Uenoyama’s for not getting him help sooner.

After being discharged from the hospital, Ritsuka was signed up to meet with a therapist. Although he was somewhat reluctant to go and tell a total stranger how he felt, he knew that therapy would be beneficial to him. The first session was awkward, just basic introductory stuff and minutes after minutes of Ritsuka stumbling through words.

The second session went a lot more smoothly, he’d somehow been able to manage carrying on a conversation with his therapist. They asked more questions regarding Ritsuka’s gender identity, to which Ritsuka gladly answered them.

His therapist came to a conclusion. Based on all of the signs Ritsuka had as a kid, the absolute mental stress on him, and the most recent attempt all solidified their hypothesis.

“Yeah, Ritsuka is most likely transgender.”

This opened up a new world for Ritsuka. Soon enough, he was recommended to a gender specialist through contacts that his therapist had. More conversations ensued before the specialist came up with the same answer. Ritsuka was soon placed on puberty blockers before he was switched to testosterone shots when he turned fifteen.

His mental health greatly improved, he could actually smile and joke around again. Ritsuka’s parents were glad that he’d found peace within himself and Yayoi was glad that her little brother was free to live as who he really was.

“I’m proud of you.” Yayoi Said, out of the blue.

“What?” Ritsuka Said back.

“I said that I’m proud of you, dumb-dumb.”

“Okay... what brought that on?”

“No reason. I just don’t think that I tell you that enough.” She said, going back on her phone to respond to a text that she got from someone.

Well... she was trying to be sincere, that’s what really counts, right? Ritsuka laughed in appreciation, Yayoi could be a nagging little shit sometimes, but she really did care about him.

For the most part after that, everything seemed fine enough. Ritsuka transferred to a high school in the city, trying to start anew again. This time he’d really make an effort to better himself now that he was satisfied with part of himself. He made friends with his classmates, got good grades, and joined a band with Haruki and Akihiko, two people who had all of Ritsuka’s respect.

Everything had become Ritsuka’s dreams came to life, he was happy with how things were going.

However, everything changed for the better. And it all started when Ritsuka met Mafuyu Satou, the boy he met on the staircase one autumn afternoon.

Chapter Text

“Do you have to work today, Mafuyu?”

“Hm? No, I don’t think so. Why?”

Ritsuka took in a deep breath as he paused, about to spit out his thoughts as best as he could.

“Well, since it’s the weekend and all, uh- do you maybe wanna-“

Mafuyu looked intently into Ritsuka’s nervous blue eyes, it was sort of intimidating. He felt like Mafuyu’s eyes were looking directly into the absolute train wreck that was Ritsuka’s heart and soul. Lots of stuff had happened recently that caused him to get rustled up inside. He met Mafuyu, taught him guitar, officially asked him to join the band with Haruki and Akihiko, performed at the live concert, managed to steal a quick kiss from Mafuyu, promptly forgot about the kiss, had a small sexuality crisis, and started dating Mafuyu.

So, yeah. That was a lot.

“Do you wanna have a sleepover with me?” Ritsuka asked, trying his best to sound cool and confident. Instead, he strangely sounded like some nervous little kid. (Which he was, but still..) “Oh-um, only if you’re comfortable with it, though! No pressure here, Mafuyu! I’ll be okay with either way!” He said, running his sentences together in a tongue-tied knot.

“Sure!” Said Mafuyu, “Sounds fun!”

Ritsuka felt relieved, ‘ah, maybe I was thinking about it too much.” He thought.

“Did you want me to come over sometime later today, Uenoyama-kun?”

“Oh, yeah. You probably have to pick up some clothes and stuff from home.”

“I do, yeah. I should also drop off my guitar, too.” Mafuyu pulled out his phone to check the time. It was about ten minutes until 5:00 PM, so it wasn’t too late for him to make a quick trip home. “I can meet you at your house once I’ve picked up my things.”

“Yeah, that’d be great!” Ritsuka said with lots of enthusiasm.

“I’ll try to be there sometime around 7:00 or so. Is that alright with you?”

“Yeah, that’s perfect timing. I’ll make dinner for us around then.”

“Just us?” Mafuyu asked, “Are you telling me that we’re going to be by ourselves tonight, Ritsuka-kun~?”

There he went, using Ritsuka’s given name again. Mafuyu knew that it was Ritsuka’s weakness, he’d often exploit it every once in a while.

“Um... yeah. Mom is visiting family, Dad’s on a business trip somewhere in Tokyo, and Yayoi is out with friends. She said that she’ll be staying the night at her boyfriend’s place, though.” Ritsuka saw Mafuyu raise his eyebrows as a slight smirk formed across his face.

“D-don’t think we’re doing anything dirty tonight, you pervert.” Ritsuka said, trying not to sound nervous.

Mafuyu giggled, “Relax, Uenoyama-kun. I won’t ask to do anything that you’re not ready with.”

“Really?”

“Really. I don’t wanna pressure you, y’know?”

Ritsuka was always appreciative of Mafuyu’s patience with him. He thought that with Mafuyu being the more experienced out of the two, that he’d want to do things with Ritsuka quicker. But he was surprised when Mafuyu told him that he wouldn’t do anything with Ritsuka unless he was one-hundred percent sure that he was okay with it.

Kissing and sex were supposed to be fun, at least that’s what Mafuyu told him that it was only fun if the two people doing it were into it. That’s the problem, though: Ritsuka didn’t know what to do if the opportunity came. Since he was biologically a female, he didn’t have the... parts that boys had. ‘How would that work, then?’ He asked himself one day, ‘would it just be like straight sex?’ Ritsuka was confused about the subject, he decided to do more research with Mafuyu once he’d tell him the truth about his gender.

“Uenoyama-kun?”

“...”

“Uenoyama-kun? Are you there?”

“...”

“Oi~.”

“What?”

Mafuyu was waving his hand in the direction of Ritsuka’s face, “You alive?”

“Oh-oh yeah. Did I space out again?”

Mafuyu pressed the palm of his hand onto one of Ritsuka’s cheeks, which caused his face to fluster up and his hands to become sweaty. Who the hell gets sweaty hands when their boyfriend does something cute with them?

“You look tired, Ritsuka-kun.” Mafuyu worriedly Said, “Have you been sleeping okay lately?”

Ritsuka wasn’t gonna lie, he had been feeling exhausted all the time for the past couple days. He wasn’t sure if it was because of the stress and anxiety he’d been feeling or if it was because of his period. Ritsuka was most scared of his period since it tended to start at the most inconvenient of times.

He kept pads in his school backpack and in a secret pocket in his guitar case if it was an emergency, but was totally on his own if he didn’t take them with him. It would be humiliating to him if Mafuyu found out that he was trans if he started to leak. Ritsuka wanted to tell Mafuyu himself, face-to-face. He wasn’t sure how he was gonna do it, but he felt like he should tell him soon. They’d been (officially) together for almost two months, so he felt inclined to tell Mafuyu sooner rather than later.

Ritsuka hoped that Mafuyu would still love him. He’d be crushed if he was rejected.

“Yeah, I’ve been having trouble sleeping.” Ritsuka Said, not really wanting to evaluate further.

“I’m sorry,” Mafuyu said.

“You don’t have to apologize, it’s not your fault.”

“Okay.” Mafuyu said, “is there anything that I should pick up?”

“Nope,” Ritsuka Started, “Just show up.”

“Alright, if you insist.” Mafuyu looked at the clock on his phone again. It was practically 5:00 now. “I’ll see you then. Bye Uenoyama-kun!” Mafuyu said, turning in the opposite direction and waving goodbye to Ritsuka.

“See ya!” Ritsuka waved back as he watched Mafuyu cross the street and disappear in the cross paths between houses.

He turned on his heels and headed home. Ritsuka’s walk turned into a sprint as he realized that he had absolutely no idea what he was going to make them for dinner. He considered ordering take out, but thought that it would be more meaningful if he cooked a meal for Mafuyu himself.

The front door of the Uenoyama household opened and shut in less than a second. Ritsuka threw his backpack on the couch and only stopped to gently lay his guitar case onto his bed. He frantically skimmed the contents of the fridge and pantry.

“Ah! Instant ramen!”

Well... Ritsuka would technically make it himself. That counts, right? Hopefully. He took care to slowly boil the water in the kettle. It needed to be slow enough to be boiling by the time Mafuyu got there. Looking at the oven clock, the time read 6:30 PM. He should be arriving soon. (But knowing Mafuyu, he’d probably show up late.) Ritsuka sat in silence as he scrolled through his phone.

There were quite a few articles about their band, given, circulating across social media. Ritsuka was eighteen, and it’d been a few weeks since they’ve officially debuted. Their band was featured on many ‘underrated artists’ lists and had been asked to interview on small talk shows. It was an exhilarating feeling, being appreciated for something that makes you happy. Music made Ritsuka happy. Mafuyu also made Ritsuka happy.

Although the band members were free to talk about whatever they wanted, Haruki made it very clear not to declare Mafuyu and Ritsuka’s relationship to the public. There had been stories of plenty of talented artists who had been shut down by major recording companies when it came to their sexuality and gender identity. The industry was fucked up.

Sexuality and gender. Those were two very big bombshells about Ritsuka if rumors ever slipped out. Although Akihiko never made it public, he was known to regularly flirt with girls and guys. This resulted in many people sending him hate messages and death threats about his undisclosed bisexuality. Haruki did everything he could to cover it up, god thank Haruki.

Ritsuka had absolutely no intention to let the world know that he was transgender man. That information was only available to close friends, family, and Mafuyu. (That is, when he would come around to tell him.) Truthfully, he really wanted to keep his relationship with Mafuyu private. At the same time, Ritsuka wanted to make his love for him known. He wanted to (attempt) to sing a love song that he had written himself to Mafuyu. He wanted to watch his face flush up on stage. He wanted to gift him a glimmering ring in front of hundreds of millions of people.

Basically, Ritsuka wanted people to know that he loved Mafuyu.

Not realizing that he zoned out again, Ritsuka was brought back to Earth when he heard a rapping at the door.

Holy shit he was here.

Ritsuka’s thoughts all combusted at once.
“Did you even bother to think things through?,” He asked himself, “No. Stop stressing, you’ve slept over at Mafuyu’s before, how is this any different?”

Ritsuka took a deep breath, held it, and let it out. He felt tranquil, like a lake. Only when his heart wasn’t jittery he decided to open the door.

“Hey, Mafu. What’s u-“

“RIKKA!”

“What?”

It was Yayoi. Way to ruin the climax, huh?

“Yayoi? What the hell are are doing-?”

“No time!” She shoved her way into the door, pushing Ritsuka to the side. “I forgot my ID!”

“Aren’t you too pretty to become an alcoholic?” Ritsuka said while closing the door behind him.

“Shut up,” She said, quickly making her way to her room, “my friends are holding my place in line at the bar! We had to get reservations for it and shit, so I’ve gotta hurry back if I don’t wanna lose my spot!”

“Ah, That makes sense.” Ritsuka said while making his way back to his spot on the couch. “Well, get out. Mafuyu’s gonna be here soon.”

Yayoi shot her head out of her room. “He’s your boyfriend, right?”

“Yeah, why?”

“You smart motherfucker...”

“What?”

She fully stepped out of her room, violently pointing her finger towards Ritsuka.

“You invited your boyfriend over while you had the house to yourself.”

“And?”

“With literally nobody home.”

“...and..?”

Yayoi gave an exasperated sigh, “Two teenagers in a relationship all alone for a night. Rikka do even know what that implies?”

Ritsuka thought about it for a second.

“Oh...”

“OH!” He shouted.

“Yeah, I know. Good luck with that, doof.” Yayoi said while making her way back to the front door. “I’ve gotta get going, see you-“

“Yayoi I have to ask you something!”

“Oh my god, what?” She said with a borderline shouting tone.

“I also invited Mafuyu over because...”

“Because what?”

Ritsuka paused, not really knowing how to tell his sister what he wanted to tell Mafuyu.

“I wanna tell him.”

Yayoi went silent, immediately knowing what Ritsuka meant.

“Oh.” She said.

“Yeah,” Ritsuka started, “I don’t think he’ll reject me, but could you stay for a bit for um-“

“Emotional support?”

“Yeah, for support.”

Yayoi sat in the solemn silence. Of course she would stay, she knew that Ritsuka loved this boy. Coming out as transgender to Mafuyu was a hit or miss situation. If Mafuyu accepted Ritsuka wholly: great! However, if Mafuyu didn’t... god. Ritsuka would be catatonic again, not leaving his room, not eating, it’d be like back before Ritsuka had come out to her all those years ago.

“Why wouldn’t I?” She asked, “you love him right? If it’s important to you, then it’s important to me.”

“Really?” Ritsuka asked.

“Really.” Yayoi responded. “I’d need to be here in case I have to castrate a motherfucker.”

Ritsuka laughed, “There’s no need, really. I’m like ninety percent sure that Mafuyu won’t care... but there’s still the remaining ten percent.”

“I understand,” Yayoi Said, “I’ll stay.”

“Really?!” Ritsuka felt like hugging his sister, “T-thanks, it means a lot to me.”

Shrugging at her brother’s awkwardness, she sent a quick text to her friends before flopping on the couch next to Ritsuka.

“You owe me, just so you know.”

“What?” Exclaimed Ritsuka, “Are you telling me that I don’t get a pass?”

“Nope.”

“Pleaseee-“

“Why should I?”

Ritsuka stammered, “because it’s a life changing moment for me..?”

“...and?”

“And I’m your brother and you love me..?”

Yayoi furrowed her brow, “Hmm. Fair enough.”

“So I get a free pass?”

“Yeah, you get a pass.”

“Yes!” Ritsuka silently pumped his fist in the air. Yayoi rolled her eyes at her younger brother and went back to staring at her phone.

Ritsuka was silenced by a rapping at the door.

“Uenoyama-kun?”

Mafuyu had arrived, fashionably late.

Chapter Text

It was several months since the incident happened when Ritsuka and Yayoi finally made amends with each other. She nearly broke down crying, knowing that her words had deeply hurt her little brother. Her ignorance had hurt them both in more ways than one. Since then, Ritsuka had been reluctant to mention anything regarding Mafuyu and his involvement in the band. If he were to kill it during a performance, Ritsuka would just say that the band had just ‘done a good job’ or something of the sort.

“Please tell me more about it,” Yayoi asked, “I just want to know more.”

“More about what?” Ritsuka asked in response.

“What it’s like... y’know. Dating a boy.”

Ritsuka paused, thinking about how He would word his answer. Like Mafuyu, he also sucked at putting the thoughts in his brain into words.

“Honestly, probably the same as any other relationship. We do a lot of the same stuff that you and Yatake-san do.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. We kiss, go on dates, walk home from school. Normal couple stuff, really.”

Yayoi thought about it for a second. Ritsuka and Mafuyu were just like anybody else, they just happened to be boys. However, they were boys who were hopelessly in love with each other. Who’s to discourage something like that, right?

“I’m so sorry.” She said, “I totally misjudged you and Mafuyu. You didn’t deserve to hear that from me. Please forgive me, Rikka.” Yayoi started to bow down on her hands and knees before Ritsuka stopped her before she could move another centimeter.

“Yayoi, it’s fine, really. So... don’t do that.” Ritsuka said, trying not to sound weirded out at the sight of someone begging for his forgiveness like one would do for a king.

“It really did upset me what you told me that day, but I kind of understand what you were getting at.”

Yayoi raised her head. “You do?”

“Maybe,” Ritsuka looked down at his hands in his lap, “were you just concerned for me? Or were you worried that I wouldn’t be happy with Mafuyu?”

Yayoi stuttered a bit. “A little bit of both, I guess. I shouldn’t have assumed that you’d be better off with someone other than Mafuyu.” She got up from her knees as she situated herself in a crisscrossed sitting position. “Are you happy?”

“With what?”

“With him.”

Ritsuka paused for a second, “Of course I’m happy with Mafuyu, I’ve never been this happy in a while.” He blushed the second those words left his mouth, he knew that they sounded cheesy and sappy. Regardless, they accurately described how Ritsuka felt about Mafuyu. Every day with him made Ritsuka feel like he was walking on air.

“That’s Really all that matters. Isn’t it, Yayoi?”

“Yes.” She answered, “You love him and he loves you. The two of you are happy together, that’s all that matters to me.”

Ritsuka smiled, Yayoi seemed to finally get it.

“So.. are you gay? Bisexual? Or...” Yayoi asked, also not sure how to word her question.

“That’s the thing,” Ritsuka Said as he repositioned himself on his bed, “I’m not really sure.”

Yayoi cocked her head, expecting a different answer from her brother.

“I haven’t felt this way towards anybody else. Girls, boys, anyone.” Ritsuka furrowed his eyebrows, thinking about something, “Part of me knows that I’m probably gay, but the other half says something else.” He suddenly pulled his phone out of his pocket and opened up a tab that he’d previously been looking at earlier.

“Y’know, it’s kind of rude to check your phone while you’re talking to someone, Rikka.” Yayoi said sarcastically.

“Shut up, I’m looking for something.” Ritsuka Said in return.

After a minute or two of searching, he finally found what he’d been looking for.

“Here it is!” Ritsuka exclaimed, “This describes me pretty well, I think.”

“What is it?” Yayoi asked.

Ritsuka started reading the Google definition out aloud, “Demisexual: People who only feel romantic or sexual attraction to another person if they form a strong emotional bond or connection with them first.”

“Demisexual?” Yayoi Said, “Think That’s you?”

“I guess... I mean, I only started having a crush on Mafuyu after he joined the band and we got to know each other a bit better.” Ritsuka rubbed the back of his head with his hand, “That’s pretty much what happened.”

“So, you’re demi?” Yayoi asked him.

“Yeah I think so.” Ritsuka concluded.

She paused for a second, “Okay then. Cool.”

Ritsuka felt a little taken aback, she seemed really chill with it. Of course, it wasn’t as emotional as the time when he told her that he was trans, the laid back attitude reassured Ritsuka. He could tell himself that everything’s alright now.

“Cool.” He said.

~

Ritsuka raced to the door when he heard the faint knocks, knowing it was Mafuyu. He cleared his throat, smoothed out his wrinkly shirt, and made a last-ditch effort to fix up his rustled hair.

‘It’s just Mafuyu,’ he thought, ‘it’s just him. Don’t be scared of him, he loves you.’ Ritsuka knew that he needed to try and calm the fuck down before he opened the door to greet Mafuyu.

Before he had the chance to reach towards the doorknob, Yayoi slithered past Ritsuka and opened the door for him.

“Mafuyu!” She exclaimed, as if Mafuyu was an old friend of hers, “Come in, come in!” She said while widening the door to let Mafuyu creep inside.

“Thank you, Uenoyama-san.” Mafuyu quietly said.

“No problem,” Yayoi responded, “you can just call me Yayoi.”

“Really?” Mafuyu asked.

“Yes. I’m not really into formalities.”

“Oh-Okay. Thank you, Yayoi-san.”

Yayoi smiled in response, trying her best to seem welcoming to her brother’s boyfriend. Ever since she had figured about the two’s union, she kept thinking about the horrible way she responded to it. Ritsuka stopped talking to her for a while and started skipping meals again. She felt terrible, she knew that she broke her brother’s fault. Since then, Yayoi tried her best to mend their relationship, which took a while. She wasn’t sure why she responded the way she did. There was an entirely different way she acted when Ritsuka came out as trans to her way back when.

It was a shitty thing of her to do, and she lived every day since then knowing that she forever altered the relationship between her and Ritsuka. Yayoi felt an obligation to do whatever she could to support Ritsuka and Mafuyu. After a while, Ritsuka seemed to forgive her, but still seemed a bit standoffish, which was pretty reasonable. Still, Ritsuka loved and trusted her with (most) of his heart, she would keep his secret relationship with Mafuyu hidden from their parents for the time being. He’d come out to them once again to them when he, himself, felt comfortable to do so.

“Rikka is hiding out somewhere, I’ll go get him.” Yayoi stepped out of the mud room to look for her brother, who was huddled in the corner of the kitchen, seemingly hiding from his guest.

“Don’t be rude, Rikka. You invited Mafuyu here, go greet him.” She sternly whispered.

“What do I say?” He quietly asked.

“I dunno,” Yayoi Said, “Ask him how his day was.”

“I already did, though.”

“I’m out of ideas.”

“Well... I’m just gonna go and fuck myself then.”

“Don’t swear in front of guests, Rikka.”

“Okay, whatever you say.” Ritsuka fought back the urge to say ‘mom’ at the end of that sentence, but he’d rather not let Mafuyu witness the bloody brawl that the two Uenoyama siblings would get into. He’d probably get scarred for life.

Ritsuka stepped out of his room, Mafuyu was standing in the same space that Yayoi left him in.

“Oi, Mafuyu.” Ritsuka called. Mafuyu briefly broke out of his dazed state to walk up and give Ritsuka a hug.

“Oh-uh, nice to see you too.” Said Ritsuka, trying his best not to sound nervous. “How long were you standing there?”

“Hm. Probably a minute or so.” Mafuyu answered.

“Sorry for leaving you there.”

“It’s okay, Uenoyama-kun.”

Ritsuka looked towards the door to his room. Yayoi wasn’t in his room anymore. He leaned in to give Mafuyu a quick kiss on the cheek. Unsurprisingly, Ritsuka flushed up immediately.

“You’re being quite bold today,” Mafuyu stated, bringing the tips of his fingers to the spot on his cheek that Ritsuka kissed, “I like it.” Mafuyu smirked.

“I would give you a proper kiss but,” Ritsuka whispered, “Yayoi is here.”

Mafuyu shook his head, understanding Ritsuka’s current situation. “I can wait until later.” He said.

Ritsuka smiled at his boyfriend’s patience and gestured towards the living room, allowing Mafuyu to follow him. As Ritsuka gave him the tour of his house, they ended it when they got to Ritsuka’s bedroom, the last stop.

“You can just set your stuff down on the floor. I’d doesn’t matter where.” Ritsuka Said, not really knowing what to do. He cursed himself, admitting that he should’ve planned things out better. Mafuyu just nodded and set his things down. The two boys stood in awkward silence for a few moments, neither one of them knowing what to say or do. Mafuyu looked like he wanted to say something, but changed his mind the second his mouth opened.

‘Oh my god, just say something, you dumbass!’ The Ritsukas in his head screamed out. To them, the strange atmosphere was like watching a bad movie, the kind where you actually start getting secondhand embarrassment from. Angry Ritsuka started swearing, Logical Ritsuka sternly berated his inability to make small talk, and Virgin Ritsuka was just... hoping for the best.

“So, what do you want to do, Uenoyama-kun?” Mafuyu asked, breaking the ice.

“Oh-um, have you eaten yet?” Ritsuka planned on making dinner that he’d make with his heart and soul, hopefully Mafuyu hadn’t eaten yet.

“No,” Mafuyu immediately responded, “I forgot to.”

“How do you forget to eat?”

“I dunno, I just do.” Mafuyu shrugged, recognizing how strange it seemed.

“Well, I have some extra cup ramen if you’re down with that.” Ritsuka offered.

Mafuyu nodded, “Sure.” He said with a smile. It made Ritsuka’s doll heart melt into a waxy puddle.

Ritsuka led Mafuyu to the kitchen, where he had already prepared their dinner. The two sat on the dining room counter as they periodically took a bite of their food. They talked mainly about music, what they could improve about some of their songs, lyrics they could add, stuff like that. At some point, Mafuyu asked what kind of song he should play. Ritsuka didn’t have an answer, normally Mafuyu would figure it out himself. He’d already written several songs that they’d performed in venues before. Fuyu no hanashi was about Mafuyu getting over Yuki’s death, Yorugaakeru was about moving on from a relationship and starting anew, and so on. Although they all followed a similar theme, all of his songs were entirely different from each other.

Mafuyu’s ability to express himself via his voice and the lyrics he’d write were something that Ritsuka admired about him. That’s what he liked about him, to be more accurate.

Ritsuka didn’t suggest anything. He knew that Mafuyu often found inspiration from things that he experienced, whether it be events in the past or emotions he felt in the moment.

“Inspiration for a new song?”

“Yes, I’ve been feeling kind of burnt out lately, I want to work through and finish the lyrics.”

“Have you already started writing the lyrics?”

“Yeah. Sometime last week, I think.”

“I see.”

Mafuyu waited a second, expecting Ritsuka to respond or give him some sort of advice.

“I mean,” Ritsuka started, “you don’t have to finish them right away. If you’re in a rut and nothing seems to fit properly, what I do is take a step back and try to mix things up.”

“Mix things up?” Mafuyu asked.

“Yeah. Like... different feelings, y’know.”

“Ah, I see.” Mafuyu lied, he didn’t know what to make of it. Sure, Mafuyu Satou could feel things like any normal person could, he just had trouble processing those feelings. “So just think of different things, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Hmm...” Mafuyu said aloud, obviously thinking, “... memories, maybe?”

“Yep!” Ritsuka ecstatically responded, “now you’re getting it! Think about times that gives you strong emotions.”

“Strong emotions.”

Mafuyu stopped to think harder. There were plenty of times in the teen’s life that produced strong feelings, both good and bad. Since there were some memories that Mafuyu would just try to forget, he focused more on the good thoughts and feelings he had.

“How about now?” He said.

“What?”

“How about now,” Mafuyu repeated, “this moment with the two of us.”

He didn’t know why, but Ritsuka flustered up again, not expecting that answer. “Oh, uh-sure.” He stuttered.

“The two of us, at your house, at your table eating cup ramen.” Mafuyu leaned in closer towards Ritsuka, landing his head on Ritsuka’s shoulder. He wrapped his left hand around his other shoulder as he placed his right on the chair to steady himself.

“This moment makes me happy, so happy.” Mafuyu whispered.

The inner workings of Ritsuka were acting chaotic again, another sending off party for Virgin Ritsuka was at its prime. He mustered enough brain power to respond to his boyfriend.

“Oh-cool.” Ritsuka responded, scorning himself for not finding the proper words to express his messy feelings.

“Cool? I think it’s cool, too.” Mafuyu buried his head deeper into Ritsuka’s shoulder, borderline brushing the sensitive spot on his neck.

“I really like you, Ritsuka-kun.”

Ritsuka had a brain lag as he tried to process what the fuck was happening. He had Mafuyu in his lap, snuggling into the crook on his shoulder, and whispering sweet words into his ear. Not to mention that he was using Ritsuka’s given name, as well.

“I... I do too, Mafuyu.” Ritsuka shakily said. Realizing that he also inadvertently confessed to Mafuyu (even though he already had before), he flustered up even more. It felt like his face and body were on fire, it made Mafuyu smile a bit.

“Could it be that Ritsuka-kun is nervous.” Mafuyu innocently said, “Do I make you nervous?” He asked.

“No! Not at all!” Ritsuka said, “I just... worry that I might mess up something.”

Before Ritsuka could say another word, Mafuyu caressed his cheek, lightly brushing his thumb over Ritsuka’s Cupid’s bow.

“It’s just me,” Mafuyu said in a low tone, “you can’t mess anything up.” That’s when he leaned in to kiss Ritsuka .

He wasn’t expecting the kiss, he’d expected Mafuyu to act all cute and seductive and then tease him about it. He was acting rather daring tonight, which wasn’t unexpected, but Ritsuka thought that Mafuyu wouldn’t do anything too affectionate with Yayoi two rooms away.

Regardless, Ritsuka still melted into the kiss. It felt warm, Mafuyu felt warm. His hand slenderly moved away from Ritsuka’s shoulder down towards his lanky hand. Mafuyu blindly intertwined their fingers together. They sat like that for a while, tenderly kissing while trying not to make too much noise. Both boys were flustered and out of breath, their cheeks tinged with a shade of rose red and their pupils dilated. Ritsuka was ruffled up inside, his brain still processing the whole make-out situation that happened mere seconds ago. They migrated to the couch before they went for round two.

Yes, there was still the obvious in Ritsuka’s mind. ‘Huh, I wonder when I should tell him?’ He asked himself, he’d planned on doing it over dinner, but it’s pretty apparent that something else was more important at the moment.

The two found a comfortable spot on the couch as they got settled in for another kissing session. This time, Ritsuka kissed Mafuyu first. Mafuyu closed his eyes as he kissed back, letting himself get pinned on his back. Ritsuka felt Mafuyu deepen the kiss as he gently wrapped his arms around Ritsuka’s shoulders again. There the two were, very publicly kissing as they stopped worrying if Yayoi was going to walk in on them or not. The only thing that mattered was each other. Ritsuka only broke the kiss when he ran out of breath, a small string of saliva trailing from his mouth. Mafuyu was pink in the face, eyes glossy and lips showing the aftermath of their messy kisses. It took all of Ritsuka’s restraint not to give into his lust and progress further.

“Do you want to stop, Ritsuka-kun?”

“I think we should,” Ritsuka, with a heavy heart, replied. Mafuyu knew that they couldn’t since the two weren’t alone in the house, but he was still a bit bummed that they had to stop.

Ritsuka kissed Mafuyu on the forehead, letting him know that he was sorry that they couldn’t continue. Mafuyu softly smiled, Ritsuka smiled as well.

This was it.

This was the moment of truth.

Ritsuka didn’t know how to address it, but it needed to be.

He was gonna tell Mafuyu.

He wanted to tell Mafuyu.

Mafuyu deserves to know, he should know.

Ritsuka’s thoughts raced all at once, ‘what if he thinks I’m disgusting? What if he wants to break up with me? Why am I so nervous about this? It’s Mafuyu, he loves me, he said it himself. What if he doesn’t love me anymore? What if-‘

“Ritsuka-kun?”

He snapped out of it, realizing that he’d blacked out again. Mafuyu, still pinned to the couch, reached out a hand to gently caress Ritsuka’s still-flushing cheek.

“Are you okay?” He asked.

Ritsuka felt guilty for not telling Mafuyu, those big orangey eyes of his were filled to the brim of concern. He didn’t want Mafuyu to worry about him. He didn’t want those eyes to look so sad and broken again, like the time when Mafuyu accidentally snapped his guitar strings at the first live venue they performed at. That was the day where Ritsuka accepted his feelings for Mafuyu and kissed him once they were finished performing the first song. Where he held a trembling Mafuyu and finally gave in to his urges. It was quick, but had all of Ritsuka’s pent up feelings inside it. Although the day was to come when Mafuyu would figure out that Ritsuka was trans, the day still scared Ritsuka.

“Mafuyu I have to tell you something... please don’t get mad at me.”

Chapter Text

“Guys I have something to tell you.”

Haruki and Akihiko hummed in response. The three were right in the middle of practicing, what was so important that Ritsuka would have to interrupt Haruki’s bass solo.

“I know, I know-“ Haru started, “this part still sounds off. I’m working on it, Uesama.”

“Ehh?” Responded Akihiko, “What do you mean?”

“It sounds twangy!”

“B.S! No it doesn’t!”

Ritsuka gave a long and exasperated sigh as he listened to the two older band mates argue back and forth on whether or not Haruki’s solo sounded too rushed and twangy.

“We’re just kidding around.” Akihiko said, twirling his drumstick in one hand and flipping Haru off with the other. “What did you want to talk about?”

‘Oh fuck.’ Ritsuka thought, ‘I’m on the spot now. Shit!’

He froze up, Akihiko and Haruki staring at him, waiting for his important announcement. After a few seconds of silence, Haruki started to get a little worried.

“Oi, Ue? You there?”

“...”

“...Ue?”

“Yeah?”

Haruki and Akihiko both shot a concerned look at each other.

“Uesama?” Akihiko started, “Are you alright?”

“I-uh...”

The three sat, very awkwardly, in silence as Ritsuka stumbled over his words.

“Gottausethebathroombye!” He shouted out as he turned tail and ran out of the studio. Haruki and Akihiko were both left confused. Aki glanced at Haruki, trying to ask if they should run after the boy. Haruki’s slight nod was the response. The two stood up and followed the faint sound of Ritsuka’s converse squeaking against the tile floor.

He ended up running past the bathroom. It didn’t matter, it’s not like Ritsuka used the restroom in public, anyways. It would take too much time if he reversed and decided to hide in one of the stalls. Instead, Ritsuka flat-out sprinted out of the building and turned the corner to hide in the darkness of the alley. There was a flickering fluorescent light that barely lit up the area. Ritsuka hoped that he could conceal himself long enough for him to calm down.

“Why is this so hard?” He asked, “We’re all in the same band? Why should they care?” Ritsuka slumped down into the concrete sidewalk and held his knees to his chest. His knees brushed up against his school uniform, which hid his chest binder. He’d been wearing it nonstop for the past two days. Since he’d been working all day and night rehearsing and changing some notes around, Ritsuka ended up forgetting to take his binder off before he went to bed. Up until now, Ritsuka didn’t realize how much it was bothering him.

The binder felt tight and suffocating around his chest. The rapid, anxious beating of his heart and quick breaths weren’t helping his situation. It hurt, simply put. But, Ritsuka absolutely refused to take it off. He didn’t want people to notice what he was hiding under that binder. Although Yayoi’s were bigger than his, they were still semi-prominent. What would a person think if they saw certain things poking out under a guy’s shirt?

That was a question that Ritsuka was too scared to learn the answer to.

“Hey.”

Turning his head, Ritsuka saw the faint outline of a tall man, he was holding a small vending machine coffee with him. It was Akihiko.

“The bathroom’s that way, y’know.” He pointed back the other direction, trying to give a shaking Ritsuka a comforting smile. “Did you get lost, Uesama?”

Ritsuka shook his head.

“You mind if I sit with you?”

Ritsuka nodded.

“Okay, then.”

Akihiko slumped into the same position Ritsuka was sitting in, only sitting up a bit straighter than him. Despite his looks, Akihiko always nagged Haruki and Ritsuka for their poor posture. The two would always roll their eyes and get back to whatever it is that they were doing. Aki would huff and play a specific tune on the drums, a tune that he’d always play whenever he got pissed off. Admittedly, Haruki and Ritsuka would apologize and go back to goofing off. It was their thing. Haruki would usually be the no-nonsense leader, Akihiko would be the easygoing guy, and Ritsuka would be the angsty teenager. That’s just the way the three of them were.

“See That house over there?” Aki pointed to a house across the street. “Just look at the fence for a bit. Try to really focus on it, ‘Kay?”

The house was around average sized. It had a white picket fence, and a bunch of different flowers in the bed by the fence. It looked like any ordinary house. Somebody lives there, maybe another ordinary family, and they’d go on their day to day life thinking nothing of it. They were just like everyone else, and everyone else were all just peachy.

Ordinary families didn’t have to worry about their children being bullied for feeling a certain way. Ordinary families didn’t have to deal with their child not feeling okay in their skin. Ordinary families didn’t go to the hospital because their child tried to end it all over how much he sucked at telling his parents that he was suffocating.

Ritsuka was still working through some things. He talked about a lot with his therapist over the past two-ish years. He’d gradually gotten better at talking to people, Ritsuka was especially proud of that. But when it came to serious stuff like that... he wasn’t any good at it. He, for his and his family’s sake, wanted to be like any other family. Like everything would just be normal.

But Ritsuka’s family was rather unordinary. Ritsuka, himself, wanted to fit in the best he could. He did this by taking his T-shots, wear the boy’s high school uniform, playing sports with Itaya and Ueki, and play in the band with Akihiko and Haruki.

He’d spaced out so much that he forgot about Akihiko, who was literally sitting inches away from him.

“Anyways, I just wanted to say that I’m just worried about how-“

“Kaji-San?”

“Hm? Yeah?”

“Am I strange?”

“Strange? What defines strange, exactly?”

“I dunno... something not normal.”

“Not normal?” Akihiko stopped to think for a brief minute, “You’re a master at guitar! I guess that strange for someone as young as you!” Aki boastfully laughed, which was totally forced. He was probably trying to make Ritsuka feel better. Unexpectedly, the Ritsuka actually seemed to get a bit lighter.

“You shouldn’t flatter me, Kaji-san.”

“Ehh? Why not?”

“I’m not all that great. I just practice every day. That’s how you get good at guitar.”

“That’s true, but Haru and I would disagree.”

“Well I guess if Haruki-San thinks so, then it must be true.”

Akihiko snorted, “Yeah, guess you’re right. Plus we wouldn’t want your ego to get too big, Uesama.”

Ritsuka laughed, “shut up.”

The two sat in the slightly-less-awkward silence until they saw Haruki run up to them, panting like a dog.

“Aki-huff. You should’ve told me-huff- that you found him!”

“You should work out more, Haru.”

“Shut up!” Haruki snapped back, “How long have you two been here?”

“Couple minutes.” Akihiko responded.

Haruki took a sharp breath in, “Okay, good.” He stood up straight and started walking towards Ritsuka.

“Ue?”

No response.

“Are you okay? Do you wanna talk about anything?”

“...”

“I think something’s up. You obviously don’t need to go to the restroom.”

“That’s what I said.” Akihiko chimed in.

“Shush it, Aki.” Haruki shot a glare towards the man, the look simply said ‘this is about Uesama, now.’

“Ue, you mind if I sit with you?” Haruki said, not realizing that he was mimicking the words that Akihiko had said.

“Sure.”

Haruki said criss crossed on the other side of Ritsuka. It felt like he was trapped by his two band mates, it was a weird feeling.

“Is this about school or something?” Haruki asked.

Ritsuka shook his head.

“No? Okay.”

Akihiko spoke, “Are you being bullied? Cause if so then we’ll-“

“I’m not.”

“Oh, okay.” Akihiko Said, grumbling. He must’ve been in the mood to go apeshit on a bunch of high school delinquents.

“It’s just... complicated.” Ritsuka said, trying to bury his head deeper into his jeans. He wasn’t the most flexible person, so he really couldn’t.

“Really?” Haruki responded, not expecting things to get this serious. His big brother instinct was kicking in (as was Aki’s), he knew that something was really bothering the youngest member, so he wanted to help him.

“I just... there’s this thing.”

“Okay...” Aki Said, unsure what this ‘thing’ was, “go on.”

“It’s a pretty... taboo thing, I guess.”

“Taboo?” Aki and Haru said simultaneously.

“Yeah. Not a lot of people... get it, so to speak.”

Akihiko and Haruki both gave off a confused look. They didn’t know what else to ask.

“Like...” Ritsuka stuttered, “I don’t think it’s a big deal, but it’s just so hard to say aloud. Why does it make me so nervous?”

“Okay,” Haruki started out, “how is it not a big deal to you? Is it like... a daily thing or something?”

Ritsuka thought about it for a second. “Yeah, it is a part of my everyday life.”

“Does it bother you, personally?” Aki asked.

Ritsuka thought some more. It was kind of a hassle to take care of a lot every day. He had to take his T-shot, put on his binder, make sure he wasn’t getting squeezed too tight, and whatnot. Oh boy, then there’s the absolute horrible dysphoric feeling that he had every day. He didn’t feel like a real boy, like everything he was trying to do to make himself feel like a boy was all for nothing. Luckily, Ritsuka had Yayoi and his mother and father to reassure and comfort him whenever he was feeling that way.

Though he didn’t want Akihiko and Haruki to comfort him all the time, he still felt like it was important to let them know.

“It does bother me. A lot, actually.”

“Can Aki and I help you?” Haruki asked.

“I don’t really know how you guys could.”

“But can we, though?” Haruki responded.

“You know that Haruki and i can if it’s that serious, right?” Akihiko asked.

Ritsuka nodded his head as he further slumped down. He felt like shit. Why did this stuff have to be so complicated? It was all just too much.

“Okay, I’ll just go out and tell you guys.” Ritsuka said, trying not to back out last minute. He gave a nervous exhale as he patted his hands, like drums, on his legs.

“Well, we’re both all ears, Ue.” Akihiko gave Ritsuka another reassuring smile, as did Haruki.

Ritsuka closed his eyes shut, preparing himself for the hypothetical oncoming storm.

“I’m not technically a boy.”

Haruki and Akihiko didn’t respond. They were probably stunned to hear that their friend and band mate that they’ve known for over a year and a half wasn’t who he seemed to be.

“So... you’re transgender?” Akihiko asked.

Ritsuka was hesitant to answer. What if the two older men started berating him? He didn’t think he could take it.

“... I am.”

It was pretty silent for a bit. Ritsuka didn’t want to continue talking out of fear for something nasty being said to him. He knew personally that people can (and will) say the most hurtful things in the world to someone like Ritsuka. He’d heard it from family and former friends. It was a sinking feeling, a feeling of being hated for just existing. It made Ritsuka want to cry until he couldn’t see anymore.

He could feel his eyelids start to water. It was about time to learn if they were going to be happy tears or not.

“Okay, then.” Haruki said, breaking the silence. “Cool. Thanks for telling us, Ue.”

Akihiko nodded, “Yeah, thanks.”

Ritsuka was shocked. He didn’t expect the two to be so nonchalant about it. Well... he didn’t exactly know what to expect. Also, how exactly did Haruki know what a trans person was? Ritsuka guessed that adults really were more well informed about things, after all.

“So... you guys are cool with it?” Ritsuka asked, trying not to let his voice crack.

“Why wouldn’t we be?” Akihiko asked, “Haru and I aren’t dickheads.”

“Well... not complete dickheads, Aki.”

It was at this moment when all of Ritsuka’s doubts and fears surrounding the day were thrown out the window. He threw his head down as the warm tears pooling in his eyes finally fell. Once the started, they didn’t stop. He tensed up and started to shake a bit.

“Oi. Ue?” Said Haruki, surprised at Ritsuka’s sudden tears.

“...”

“Ue! Are you-“

“Thanks, guys...” Ritsuka said, cutting Aki off, “just... thanks.”

~

Ritsuka liked and disliked remembering that moment with Haruki and Akihiko. On one hand, everything went perfectly and Ritsuka felt accepted by two of the most amazing people ever. On the other, it only proved the inner turmoil that he faced. What would he have done if the two gave a negative response. The Seasons would be done for, he wouldn’t see Haruki and Akihiko in the same way ever again, and Yayoi would probably be in jail for murdering Aki. A lot could’ve happened if words were said differently.

But right now wasn’t about the two eldest band members of given, it was about the youngest.

Mafuyu was sitting beside Ritsuka, slightly puzzled as to why Ritsuka had said ‘I have to tell you something’ and ‘please don’t be mad at me’ and the proceeded not to say anything. Ritsuka was holding his mouth open, he knew he looked like an idiot. He was an even bigger idiot for doing it in front of Mafuyu.

“Uenoyama-kun?”

“...”

“Uenoyama-kun?”

“...”

Mafuyu cleared his throat.

“Ritsuka-kun?”

There it was. The magic words that only worked when Mafuyu said them. Ritsuka floated back into reality.

“What?” Ritsuka asked, voice slightly confused.

“You sort of trailed off. You okay?”

“O-oh!” Fuck, Ritsuka was more nervous than he realized, “it’s fine. Don’t worry about it, Mafuyu.”

Ritsuka tried his hardest to give Mafuyu a smile that said ‘hey, everything’s a-okay’. Despite his efforts, Ritsuka was still a terrible liar. Mafuyu could see right through him, he could detect that Ritsuka’s face looked hurt and fearful, despite his outward appearance.

“What’s wrong, Uenoyama-kun?”

Ritsuka really didn’t want Mafuyu to pry any further. Although he knew that if he seemed off enough, Mafuyu would reluctantly give Ritsuka his space. Still, a part of him wanted to let it all out. Mafuyu was someone he deeply cared about, He reignited his love for playing guitar, he owed a lot to Mafuyu.

Ritsuka wouldn’t know what to do if Mafuyu decided to dump him over this. He would be devastated, heartbroken, completely crushed.

“Ritsuka?”

Ah, it was those words again.

“I know that something’s wrong. I want to help you.”

“I know you do, Mafuyu. But I can’t help but worry that-“

“I’ll be mad with you?”

“...yeah.”

“Why would I be mad at you?”

Ritsuka twiddled his thumbs and looked away from Mafuyu. His concerned gaze shot through Ritsuka like bullets.

“Because I felt like I should’ve told you sooner?”

“Is it that important, Ritsuka?”

“It is.”

Mafuyu nodded his head. “If you feel like it’s that important, then-“

“I really do wanna tell you!” Ritsuka shouted, interrupting Mafuyu. “I just... it’s a scary thing for me to admit.” Ritsuka paused again, this time looking up into Mafuyu’s eyes. “Some people don’t really... understand why I am who I am.”

He looked back up at Mafuyu. He nodded at Ritsuka, signaling him to go on.

“Like... I’ve lost people because of it.”

“Really?” Mafuyu said, with genuine worry. What had Ritsuka carried on his own?

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Mafuyu asked.

“I think we should talk about one topic at a time, Mafu.” Ritsuka Said rather lightheartedly.

Mafuyu giggled, “Good idea, Ritsuka-kun.” Mafuyu internally laughed at Ritsuka’s use of ‘Mafu,’ Mafuyu’s pet name.

“Rest assured, Ritsuka-kun,” Mafuyu settled into his seat, extending his hands to hold Ritsuka’s, “I won’t hate you.”

Ritsuka’s eyes gleamed. He wanted to look away from Mafuyu, who still held a loving-yet-concerned gaze towards him. He felt like he could break, like he was as fragile as glass. That meant if Ritsuka truly did break, it would be Mafuyu who had to pick up the pieces. That sounded scary, would Mafuyu even mind being a shoulder to cry on?

Well, Ritsuka started crying. He didn’t even have time to further weigh his options.

At first, it was gentle. Tears silently streamed down his face as he bit his lip to prevent it from quivering. His sadness only escalated when Mafuyu pulled him in tighter. He embraced Ritsuka with his arms, letting him lay his head in the crook of Mafuyu’s neck.

It felt peaceful, it felt safe.

Ritsuka’s tears flew down like a waterfall. He clutched Mafuyu’s cardigan in his fist as he buried his head deeper into Mafuyu’s neck, muffling his cries. Mafuyu didn’t speak a single word during that time, he just gently brushed Ritsuka’s hair with his fingertips as the other weeped.

Ritsuka knew that Mafuyu wasn’t good with words. But the kindness and sincerity of his actions spoke volumes.

The two stayed like that for several minutes, until Ritsuka’s sobs became small sniffles. Mafuyu didn’t pull away from Ritsuka until he told him that he was all done. Mafuyu simply said “okay” as Ritsuka pulled himself away from the other’s tear soaked shoulder.

“Feeling better?” Mafuyu softly asked.

Ritsuka didn’t want to muster the strength to speak, opting to just nod his head.

“Can I do anything for you?” Mafuyu said, pushing the bangs out of Ritsuka’s field of vision. His eyes were puffy and red, which was to be expected.

All of Ritsuka’s inhibitions went away, it seemed safe now.

“I’m trans.”

Mafuyu’s eyes widened ever so slightly. ‘What?’ He internally thought.

“I-I wanted to tell you, but I never really knew when. I thought I did, but then we started dating. And... everything just escalated from there.” Ritsuka said, trying to stumble on his words or give away his shaking voice. He sucked at words, too. He arguably was just as bad as Mafuyu.

He was expecting Mafuyu to say something. For a while, he didn’t. The silence was killing him. ‘Say something!’ He thought, ‘anything!’

Mafuyu broke the silence by carefully taking Ritsuka by the hand and pulling himself close to the quivering boy. With a deep and loving look in his eye, Mafuyu stroked Ritsuka’s red cheek.

That’s when he kissed him. Granted, it was just a peck on the cheek. But it still made Ritsuka’s wax heart melt.

“I love you.” Mafuyu said.

Ritsuka lagged as he took a second to really take in what Mafuyu just said.

“You what?”

“I love you.”

“Wait... so you don’t-“

“I don’t, Ritsuka-kun.” Mafuyu brushed up Ritsuka’s bangs again, revealing his forehead. He placed a lingering kiss on his head before continuing. “As far as I know, you’re still Ritsuka. Is something supposed to change? You’re still you.”

“...”

“I don’t hate you.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

Ritsuka and Mafuyu sat together like that for a while. Then the former pulled the latter into another hug. This time, is was with less desperation and more thankfulness.

“Yayoi said she’d castrate you.”

Mafuyu snorted. That was pretty unexpected.

“Oh did she?”

“Yeah. That’s why she stayed home tonight.”

“Did she really skip out on plans to make sure you were okay?”

“Yeah, she did.”

“Oh... I suppose I owe Yayoi-San an apology, then.”

Ritsuka looked up to Mafuyu’s face again. “Why’s that?” He asked.

Mafuyu smiled.

“Because I’d never break her baby brother’s heart.”

~

Yayoi heard all of this from the next room, prepared to storm out at any second and slap Mafuyu into his next life if anything went wrong. She could finally relax.

She forgot to think about the soggy cup ramen that still remained on the countertop, though. She’d give Ritsuka hell for that later.

‘I’ll let him have his moment.’ She thought as she got ready for bed, it was late. Lack of sleep was bad for your skin, after all!