Archive of Our Own ^beta

“...And with a little luck, and a lot of dedication, I know that all of you will be able to achieve anything you set your minds to!” 

    That was the end of the guest speaker’s talk. She gave a small nod of a bow to a thunderous applause that filled the lecture hall. Tulip groaned and rolled her eyes. She tried to be polite, but could only muster the care to give two measly claps. Great , she thought, another one of those motivational speakers . The end of the lecture at least meant a free dinner was waiting for everyone in the lobby. Tulip bolted out of her seat and to the exit doors as soon as the signal was given for people to stand up. The sooner she ate, the sooner she could leave, and the sooner she would no longer be around these pretentious overachievers.

    She took her plate to the empty corner next to the doors and began scarfing down her sandwiches. She only took the tuna ones because they didn’t bother putting onions in the other sandwiches. Technically, no one was supposed to touch the catering yet, except for the drinks, but Tulip didn’t care. She could spot some of her classmates chatting with a mentor about ten feet away from her. They were all likely asking questions about how to maintain their GPAs, or which courses would look the most impressive for their transcripts. Tulip knew none of them really cared about these seminars. The topics were focused on the philosophy and social impacts of science. Wonderful subjects wasted on these people who only thought they were good for filling in elective requirements for STEM students. Being an exclusive program that you had to apply for separately also made their CVs and resumes look nice and shiny. 

    “Hey there, you know you’re only supposed to eat after participating in a discussion, right?” Crap, someone spotted her sulking. Worse still, it was one of those mentors. Tulip tried to play it off as freshman ignorance. 

    “Oops! Sorry! Didn’t know that was a rule. But hey, can’t blame a girl for wanting free food.” To Tulip’s surprise, her ruse actually worked. The mentor smiled and laughed a little. “Don’t worry about it, now that we’re talking, that can count as participation,” she said with a wink. This made Tulip feel a little awkward. Is the mentor going to grill her now? Not knowing how to react, Tulip scratched the back of her head and simply looked away.

“You know, I was the same when I was in your position two years ago.” The mentor said. “Socializing is definitely hard, especially as a new college student.” At that comment, Tulip realized her ruse hadn’t worked. In fact, the older girl saw right through her. Finally, the mentor offered her right hand. “I’m Grace.” 

    “Tulip.” She shook Grace’s hand limply, hoping the mentor didn’t mind the crumbs on her sleeve. 

“What a lovely name! What are you studying, Tulip?” 

“I’m in computer science.” Tulip responded proudly. 

“That sounds difficult. I don’t really have the mind for anything computer related. I think even my phone hates me sometimes!” Grace was a natural at conversation. “So, you’d be part of the physical sciences stream right?” This college seminar program was broken up into several “streams” for different majors. Tulip noticed that Grace’s name tag stated she was part of the political science stream.

 “Yep. Though, computer science is kind of different from, you know, physics and astronomy. The topics the Prof is going to cover are more leaning towards those fields.” Tulip felt a little uneasy. She glanced down at her plate of food, now only holding a single half-eaten tuna sandwich, embarrassed.

“Honestly, I don’t know if I should have ever joined this program. There was this one girl in my class, a chemistry major, who discovered a cure for malaria when she was fifteen! I only decided to major in computer science because I wanted to make video games…” 

That was a lot more information than Tulip had planned on saying. She just admitted to this girl she barely knew some of her anxieties about college. What made her let her guard down so much? 

Grace placed a hand on Tulip’s shoulder. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re doing fine,” she said with a reassuring smile. Tulip didn’t seem convinced.  “Look around this room. All these kids might seem like they’re super geniuses, but they’re just as nervous about their future as you. Hell, they probably feel the same way about you, what with you standing here all by yourself emitting loner prodigy vibes.” Tulip furrowed her eyebrows and blushed. Grace continued, “And I’m sure if you went and talked to some of them, you’ll realize they’re not just stuck-up academic snobs. Promise.”

“Mmm. Maybe. I guess.” Tulip turned to face the group of classmates she spotted earlier. She swallowed. Grace gave her a reassuring pat on the back. “I’ll walk you over okay?”

 

Every Wednesday evening for the next few weeks, Tulip would always find her way to Grace after the guest lectures ended. Even though she had opened up to her peers, and even made some friends among the STEM nerds, it seemed she enjoyed talking to Grace the most. Grace also found herself drawn to Tulip. That girl had boundless enthusiasm for the most boring things, such as weird logic puzzles that involved something called “game theory” and “induction”, or the bad design choices that certain video games made. Even though Grace had zero interest in games or computers, she just enjoyed listening to Tulip go on about them. It was also an excuse for Grace to avoid talking to some of the political science students, the stream she was actually supposed to mentor. Despite her parents’ status as seasoned politicians, Grace never felt any desire to follow in their footsteps. Besides, she felt that freshmen were still teenagers, and teens were far too naive about politics. This was something else about Tulip that impressed Grace. Tulip had a maturity that Grace hardly ever saw from first-year college students. At least, first-year students who enrolled around 18. Tulip approached issues with far more nuance than Grace expected from someone of her age. Since Grace had to start college at the age of 21, due to the...odd circumstances of her adolescence that involved a certain inter-dimensional train, she always felt a distance between herself and other undergraduates. Grace also noticed there was something oddly familiar in the way Tulip carried herself, and some hint of recognition whenever she faltered and hesitated. In the moments of weakness that Tulip showed, Grace saw a part of herself reflected back. 

One of those moments was when Grace decided to walk with Tulip back to her dorm. It was the same building Grace stayed in during her freshman year, so she knew the route well. She also hated that route for one particular reason. In front of the dorm’s main entrance, there was a large dominating sculpture made of some smooth dark metal. An abstracted form resting on four gaunt appendages resembling mammalian limbs, but had a faceless “head” encircled with rounded horns. From its “back”, the animalistic form dissolved into an undulating semi-organic mass of insect wings and tentacles, which brought to mind both the motion of flames in the wind and waves upon a restless sea. She braced herself when they approached the quad, trying to steady her breathing as much as possible without giving away her anxiety. But as soon as its eerie silhouette came into view, Tulip stopped dead in her tracks. She shrank back, and hugged her arms. 

“What’s wrong?” Grace asked in what she hoped was a worried but reassuring tone. Tulip looked away from Grace’s gaze.

 “Um...c-can we maybe...go another way?” Tulip replied shakily, her voice much softer than usual.

 “Of course, I know a way around that might detour to a food truck.” Grace said. She placed a hand on Tulip’s shoulder, trying her best to remain calm and collected as she comforted the younger girl. “It’s going to be okay.”

Tulip nodded. “Yeah. Thank you.” she said quietly as she fiddled with her glasses, her eyes still glued firmly to her shoes. They doubled back and turned left down a different pedestrian path leading to the science library. From there, they can circle around to the other side of the library, get food from the truck, and head to the back entrance of the dorms. This way, the library fully blocked the view to the front courtyard which housed the sculpture.

Of course Grace knew a way around. That abominable sculpture terrified her as well. Its resemblance to the ghoms that patrolled the wasteland in which the Train inhabits was not lost on her. Every time she was near it she could feel the bile rising in her throat. It brought back her worst memory, reminded her of her greatest mistake. She tried to avoid it as much as possible, but it was exceedingly difficult when many social gatherings on campus used that abhorrent thing as a gathering place. At least this time she was given respite from its presence. This does raise an interesting question, why was Tulip afraid of it? None of the other students gave it a second thought. Grace’s usual group of friends tended to think it was an ugly eyesore, and even nicknamed it “Cthulhu dog” affectionately. If anything, Tulip’s reaction mirrored her own when she first encountered it. Was it possible , Grace wondered. Could Tulip have been a passenger?

 

Grace kept those suspicions buried for a few days. She needed to concentrate on her studies, as midterms were soon upon them. At the group discussions, she put on her typical facade of a supportive and knowing upper-year student. On this day, she spotted Tulip chatting with one of her classmates. 

“I’m always wary of how scientists tend to quantify things, you know?” Tulip said.

“Like, let’s take animal intelligence. Why do they use the mirror test?” Her friend, an astronomy student named Connie, nodded. “I know what you mean. It relies too much on animals having similar eyesight and visual processing centers to humans. A lot of mammals recognize each other using scent. It’s not like they have scent mirrors.” Both girls chuckled. Tulip began again. 

“Yeah, and ‘encephalization quotient’? It’s just a fancy word for saying ‘we have no idea how the central nervous systems of other animals work!’ Did you know that octopuses have two-thirds of their neurons in their arms? Octopuses are really great problem solvers, but their entire existence is completely alien to us.” She took a sip of her drink before continuing. “Honestly it really bugs me when people treat non-human entities like crap, and the less human they seem, the less they care for them.” 

“Okay, but you’re eating tuna right now, Tulip.” Connie rightly pointed out. Tulip glanced away, knowing she had been called out.

“Fine, I may be a hypocrite, but if they served the veggie sandwiches with onion I’d be all over them.” As Tulip finished off her sandwich and her drink, she spotted Grace. “Hey, Grace! Over here!” Grace walked over to joined the two girls. 

“What do you think about how smart octopuses are?” Tulip asked, eyes wide with excitement. “Hmm, I dunno, never met one before. I bet they give great hugs. Is it bad if I say I like takoyaki though?” This was a lie of course, Grace had once met an octopus denizen on the Train. But she wasn’t going to bring this up in front of the girls. 

“You know what’s really annoying? People who think AI are actually intelligent.” Connie stated. “Oh yeah? So they’re not secretly plotting to overthrow humanity?” Grace joked. Connie smirked and continued “I mean, artificial intelligence like what we have today are nothing like they are in science fiction. They’re just some algorithms that were programmed to find the most efficient way to do one specific thing. They don’t understand the task they’re told to do. Tulip knows all about this, she’s taking a seminar in machine learning.” Connie turned to her left, “Uh...Tulip?”

Tulip was looking down, staring intently at the palm of her right hand. Something about what her friend said seemed to have distracted her. Grace took the initiative and tapped Tulip’s shoulder. “Huh, what?” She snapped back to reality. “Oh yeah. I think asking the question of is AI really intelligent kind of distracts from the actual problems with using them. Like the fact that machine learning needs data sets for training, and depending on how that data is made and obtained, will definitely affect how well the algorithm does its job. Studies have shown that a lot of algorithms are biased, racist even.” Her gaze drifted back to her right hand. 

“Honestly, what is the point of using them, you know? Is it really worth replacing the expertise of another human being with a computer mindlessly calculating numbers? The numbers don’t mean anything unless a person gives them a meaning by interpreting them. But how do we know that we interpreted them correctly? Who else could do the interpretation? Would they be more objective or have their own implicit biases? I’m...not sure.” 

Tulip continued to stare at her hand as it started trembling. Her friend looked concerned. This was unusual behaviour for first-years, but it was behaviour familiar to Grace. Grace had done the same herself. Ever since she returned home, every once in a while, she’d find herself staring at her right hand, waiting for something. Waiting for a green glow, or the sound of gears clicking. Is that what Tulip was waiting for? She had caught Tulip glancing at her right palm quite a few times before, but this was the first time she really got absorbed into it.

The awkward moment was only interrupted with the rhythmic beeping of an alarm going off. “Well, this sure was a philosophically challenging discussion.” Connie said as she checked her phone and shut off the noise. “I’m gonna head to the naginata club now. See ya Tulip!” She waved as she rushed out the doors, leaving Grace and Tulip to their own devices. Tulip hung her head down, looking mortified. She twirled some strands of her hair and shifted uncomfortably. “I’m sorry about...that.” She said faintly, “Sometimes I just get lost in my own head.” 

“We all deal with different stuff.” Grace replied, “It seems like you’ve been through more than most, it’s ok to not always be present, you know?” Grace leaned against the wall, gazing at the tall ceiling. “College is a lot to add on top of everything else. All that stress, all those expectations, It…it’s a lot. There isn’t really a good support system if you’re having trouble, if you just need a break...” For the first time, Tulip looked at Grace, and saw how vulnerable she really was. Grace had let her mask slip, if only a little. In doing so, Tulip recognized a deep pain they both shared. 

Grace soon realized she was revealing too much, and wore her smile again. “I’ll always be here for you if you need someone to talk to.” There was something sad behind her smile, even someone as bad at reading others as Tulip could tell. This time, Tulip extended her hand towards Grace. “Let’s be there for each other, okay?” For a second, Grace looked confused. It was as if no one had ever offered her mutual understanding, or perhaps she felt she didn’t deserve it. But she took Tulip’s hand, and her confusion vanished. When her smile returned, it was more genuine. There was less sadness behind it as well. They continued their usual Wednesday routine, and headed for the food truck. 

It was already Mid-October, but little in the weather indicated it to Tulip, apart from the heavy fog rolled into the university campus as she left her linear algebra class. The coastal climate of this part of California was simply too mild for seasons, unlike her hometown in Minnesota. She opened her phone to check for messages. She decided to continue a text conversation she was having with Grace. 

“I’ve been called a centrist a few times, but I’m really not.” Tulip typed as she walked. After a minute, Grace replied.

“People call you a centrist? Really? But you seem pretty opinionated to me. Like what you said the other day about those ‘Japanese Role-Playing Games’?” 

“You mean JRPGs? We really shouldn’t get into how I feel about them or it’s going to be another tangent about not utilizing your mechanics to best tell the story you want to tell for your play experience.” As Tulip sent her message, she realized how obnoxiously nerdy all of that sounded.

“Ugh see? There I go again.”

“It’s fine Tulip, I like listening to your tangents.” came Grace’s reply.

Tulip decided she would head to the cafe next to the computer science building for her usual Friday latte to treat herself after another week of studies. Apparently what people say is true, once you become a college student, you get hooked on caffeine. She entered the building, ordered her usual, and sat down. She returned to the conversation again:

“So the original point was that some of my friends call me a centrist because I always end up in the middle of a bunch of their personal drama, and I never choose a side.”

“Why not?” 

“Because they’re both being ridiculous!” Tulip laughed as she recalled the argument two of her friends got into yesterday, which was what spurred this whole ramble session with Grace in the first place. She took a sip of her drink and opened her laptop to start doing some work. It was quiet in the cafe despite it being a Friday. Most students were also there to work, or at least seemed like working, and there was nearly no spoken dialogue save for the patrons ordering at the counter. But Tulip knew that many of the students were having text conversations just like she was.

“I think they can sense that I’m good at being a mediator though.” 

“Why’s that?” Grace asked.

“I dunno.” Tulip paused to think about how to expand on this.

“You see, my parents are divorced, and when I was a kid and they were still together, I had to deal with their petty arguments a lot. I guess I’m used to it.”

“Ah, I see.” The typing indicator lit up for quite a few seconds. Then it stopped, before lighting up again. It seemed like Grace must have typed something long before erasing it all and just sent a short message instead.

 “Parents are the worst.”

“Well, my parents eventually got better. And I also had to learn to deal with accepting their divorce too.” Tulip felt she should be a bit more fair to them. Though she supposed running off to go to Game Design Camp in the middle of the night, and then getting stuck on the Train for months was certainly one way of “dealing” with it. “Being in middle school while your parents get a divorce will mess you up even if they end up becoming more reasonable after the fact.” This was probably the last thing Tulip would say about this subject for the moment. She didn’t want to delve too much into her family life, especially how it was five years ago. Inevitably, it would lead to memories of the Train resurfacing, which she still needed to unpack. A text conversation with an upper-year student she only just met over a month ago was not the right time for that level of unpacking. 

“I’m glad it worked out for you in the end. You’re like the most level-headed person I know.” Tulip blushed at Grace’s reply. It felt unearned, especially when it seemed like Grace was far more level-headed than Tulip could ever possibly be.

“Haha, thanks. So are you.” As she ended her conversation to finally get some work done, a poster on the cafe’s bulletin board caught her eye:

 

 MAKE YOUR VOICE HEARD: WHY MIDTERM ELECTIONS MATTER 

 

Ah yes, the first year that Tulip gets to vote, she would be able to exercise her right immediately at the midterm elections. Her history teacher in high school already drilled into her how important these elections can be in affecting change, so Tulip had already registered to vote, and mailed in her ballot for her home state in the hopes of a better chance of more progressive candidates in the House of Representatives. She then noticed the list of speakers on the poster, and one name in particular stood out to her, “Audrey Monroe, Member of Congress”.

Monroe, that was Grace’s last name, right? Didn’t Grace mention her parents were politicians? Her father used to be some sort of ambassador and had since retired that position, but her mother still worked in politics, and travels back and forth from D.C. frequently. This must be her mother. Tulip searched it on her computer to be sure. On Audrey Monroe’s website, there was a picture of her family, and indeed, the girl next to her was undeniably Grace. 

Tulip pulled her phone out again, took a picture of the poster, and sent it to Grace, adding “This is so cool, your mom’s coming to campus to talk about midterms! But not those other midterms that are absolutely crushing me.” Tulip didn’t think much of her text, assuming that Grace would reply quickly in a playfully embarrassed way, and then laugh it off. She waited a few minutes. Nothing. Tulip assumed Grace must be in class now, or otherwise busy. She was a third-year student after all. Tulip decided to focus on her assignments and forget about the poster, even as a part of her continued to worry.

For the rest of the day, Tulip didn’t hear anything from her friend. She waited over the weekend, and still nothing. Tulip wondered if she had tread into inappropriate territory by mentioning Grace’s family. She did outright state in their last conversation that “parents are the worst.” Not just “parents can be the worst” but are. Text messages are certainly ambiguous but the way in which she brought up the topic of parents didn’t seem hyperbolic to Tulip. Grace never really liked talking about them, always changing the topic immediately after. Was that the reason for the sadness she kept hidden? 

Tulip decided she needed to fix things. Of course, it could end up making it worse, but she did promise Grace she’d be there for her so on Sunday evening, she sent another text 

“Hey, I’m sorry about earlier. I should have known it was a sore subject for you.” After a couple of minutes, her phone chimed.

 “It’s ok, sorry for ghosting you there. Just going through a lot right now.” came Grace’s reply. The chat indicated she was trying to type more, but kept stopping herself. Finally Grace’s second message appeared.

“Maybe we can talk about it Wednesday?”

“Sure. Do you want to go somewhere more private?”

“Yeah. Sure.”

 

The two of them didn’t hang around like usual that Wednesday afternoon. Grace took Tulip to a small local diner just outside of campus. Neither of them spoke a word to each other since leaving the lecture hall, and Tulip noticed Grace held her arms tightly and hung her head down, a departure from the usual confidence she displayed. As they sat in the furthest diner booth from any other patrons, Tulip debated whether she should be the one to break their awkward silence. 

“So…” she began. Tulip searched for something, anything to say that would come across as casual and inconsequential. “You changed your hair. That’s nice.” Grace shot her an irritated look, before she returned to staring at her glass of water. Tulip cursed herself for her tactlessness. She opened the large fold-out menu and hid behind it in shame. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that…”

“No, don’t worry about it.” Grace replied. “Since my mom’s campaigning right now she needs me to look... presentable. That’s why I straightened my hair.” Her tone was exceptionally bitter. It seems the photo on her mother’s website didn’t tell the whole truth. Looking back on it, Tulip realized Grace’s brilliant smile in the photo with her parents was exactly like the smile she wore as her mask. It seemed her relationship with her parents was much more fraught than Tulip had anticipated. Grace leaned back and gazed off towards the ceiling.

“Sometimes I wonder what was even the point? My parents were so cruel to me that as a kid I ran away for eight years. But when I got back, they didn’t even change. Not in the ways that mattered. ” She took another sip of water. “What was the point?”

 “Wait, you ran away?” Tulip did not expect to hear that. Grace never struck her as the type of person who was that reckless. Then again, a lot of the assumptions she made about Grace when they first met were being shattered in front of her. 

 “Yeah.” Grace placed her elbows on the table and glanced down again, as she absentmindedly rotated her right wrist back and forth. “I don’t really want to talk about it now though.” 

“That’s okay, it must have been really rough for you.” Tulip said. She checked the menu briefly, tried to think of what to order.  She then looked at her right palm, letting the idea roll around in her mind. “You know, I ran away as a kid too.”

“Really?” Grace finally turned her gaze back at Tulip. She let out a slight laugh. “No way, you too?”

“Yup. It wasn’t for years, only around six months.” Tulip replied.

“Were you safe? Were you okay?” Grace asked. Tulip fidgeted with her fingers, while her mind debated how much she should say about this touchy subject. “I don’t really remember much about those months now. I guess it was pretty wild. Glad I made it back home though.” She smiled weakly, and glanced at her hand again. Then, she realized how weird that looked, and quickly moved her right arm down and hid her hand under the table. “Okay, we should order now. I think the wait staff are getting impatient with us.” 

 

After ordering their food, Grace spent the rest of the evening complaining about her parents. Her father was one of those lucky people who worked his way out of poverty and believed in the bootstrap American Dream nonsense that was typical of the older generation. Her mother’s family immigrated to the US from Barbados when she was a child. Despite the enormous pressures and intense racism they faced, her parents made it. Because of that, they wanted Grace to succeed even further. They felt that since she was lucky enough to have access to wealth and resources they could only dream of when they were young, then she had no excuse to not live up to their expectations. They never praised her when she achieved something, and they punished her severely when she failed. Their responsibilities as ambassadors also meant they frequently left the country, and left Grace all alone in a large empty house. The environment she grew up in made Tulip’s childhood sound absolutely peachy.

“Look, I get why my parents were so hard on me now, I completely understand that. They grew up in a harsher world than the one I was born into.” Grace concluded while fiddling with the few fries on her plate that had long gone limp. 

“But that doesn’t negate all the years of hurt it caused me. All those times I had to tuck myself into bed, wondering when they’d come back, if they ever would. Sometimes if their overseas visits took longer than expected, I would blame myself. I’d think it was because-”, she shut her eyes and took a deep breath, “because I did something so bad that this is my punishment. I’d cry myself to sleep thinking they didn’t love me anymore.” Grace’s eyes started glistening. She was about to cry. “So, yeah. When I was twelve, I ran away. And if you saw the news four years ago, that was when I decided to return. They made a big deal out of it because my mom was announcing that she would run for Congress.” Grace held the wrist of her right arm in her left hand, and squeezed it tightly. 

“For the first few months, maybe even the first year, they were so devoted to me. Like, I got what I always wanted. It was like whiplash. It felt like it was too good to be true.” She choked up, and put her face in her hands. “But like the fucking idiot I was, I started testing them. They were pushing me to finish high school quickly online so I could apply for college as soon as possible. Online classes are the fucking worst. Never take classes online.” She took a long drink from the beer she ordered. “So I slacked off. I snuck out of the house a lot. I mean could you blame me? I was like, twenty years old! And we lived in LA!” 

“So you know, shit hit the fan, I was caught, and grounded, like a child. I had already run away once, imagine how fucked it would be if I ran away again. Their reputations were on the line, my reputation was on the line! So all the strict rules and curfews and expectations came back. What I always suspected was true. I only deserved their love if I was a perfect daughter. They just can’t accept anything less than that, even if...even though I’m far from perfect.” Grace finished her beer and slammed the glass on the table. “And that’s why I have to put up that act you see every Wednesday.” She hung her head down and cried silently.

“Jesus Christ, Grace.”

Tulip didn’t know what to say. Is there anything to say? “God, I’m so sorry…” That didn’t sound right. It was just empty platitudes. Grace had been through too much for those. At the very least she should say something understanding. “Thank you for trusting me with how you feel. It must have been hard…I don’t know if I can offer anything in return except sympathy, though.” 

Grace nodded weakly. “No, thank you. For listening.” She took a pack of tissues from her bag and wiped her tears. “Tulip, I think you’re the first person I’ve told any of this to. About my parents, I mean.” Grace paused for a second, as if thinking, or remembering something. “Well, the first person I’ve told after returning home…”

Tulip didn’t really know how to feel about being the only person Grace trusted to reveal her pain to. Did she imply that she never even talked to a therapist about this? Maybe she felt that going to therapy would mean it’d be harder to keep her act up of being an upstanding college student to her parents. It was hard to say. For now, Tulip should reiterate her support for her friend. “I’m glad to have helped, even though it was only in a really small way.” 

"It’s not small. I honestly really needed this.” Grace replied. She was beginning to recover some of her composure, and looked a bit more at ease than before, like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders.

“I guess…” Tulip began, wondering if this was the right move. “I guess since you opened up so much, maybe I should do the same.” She took the half-empty glass of water, ice all melted by now, and spun it around idly. In the water, she could see her distorted reflection staring back at her. She quickly gulped the water down. “Maybe not today. But I will. Soon.” She looked at Grace with determination. “I promised that we would be there for each other, and I don’t think it’s fair if you’ve spilled your guts to me but I haven’t. I’ll need some time to think about how to say it properly, that’s all.”

“Alright, Tulip. Take your time.” Grace smiled, genuinely. There was still a sadness there, but at least Tulip came to a better understanding of that sadness. 

 

On the way back, the two girls returned to more casual topics of conversation. Grace elaborated a bit more on being confused with certain things that she missed while she was gone. Wherever she was when she went missing, it did not have internet access. Youtube was only just starting to become a thing, but now there are people who are “Youtubers” as a job? The dominance of social media was also extremely interesting, and depressing. When Grace left, it was around the age when kids were first starting to understand what it meant to be online. After she came back, Grace was thrust into learning how to navigate these online spaces entirely on her own without eight years of context, in addition to the already difficult position of being a sort-of-famous young black woman. 

“You know, I kind of wish that I had stuck around longer. I would have loved posting on Tumblr.” Grace admitted to Tulip.

“Really? Tumblr of all places?” Tulip seemed a little bemused. “Don’t take this the wrong way but you never struck me as a geeky kind of person? Like you’re nerdy because you’re a mentor for that seminar thing we’re both in, but you just seemed more straight-laced? Book smart?” Grace chuckled and shrugged her shoulders. 

 “Well I did have to keep all my geeky interests hidden from my parents. They thought watching television would rot kids’ brains. But I would definitely record a bunch of Pokémon episodes and just watch them all when they went on their business trips.” Grace confessed with a wink. “A website like Tumblr where you can just anonymously post about fandoms would have been a safe haven for me. You bet that as soon as I found out Tumblr existed when I came back home, I immediately signed on and followed all the Sailor Moon related blogs.” It was then that Tulip finally noticed Grace’s choker. 

“Oh my god, you’re wearing a Sailor Moon necklace!” She pointed towards Grace’s neck, where a crescent moon pendant hung from a black velvet ribbon. Tulip then realized that was quite rude, and withdrew her arm. “Whoops, sorry.” Grace laughed again. “Now that I don’t have to live under my parents’ surveillance at all times, I took the opportunity to purchase some geeky things.” 

“I guess Sailor Moon was a bit before my time, so that’s why I didn’t notice right away.” Tulip said, slightly embarrassed. Grace noticed Tulip really didn’t like not knowing things or being wrong, and was always ready with some sort of justification instead of letting herself be ignorant. It was an insecurity that Grace had seen in quite a few white people if she was being perfectly honest. Grace was intimately familiar with this particular quirk from someone else she knew, but she pushed that thought out of her mind before she could fully entertain it. Instead, Grace turned her gaze towards the clear evening sky.

“You know, in a way, even though running away completely disrupted my childhood, it did let me finally have one, in a way.” She placed her hand on the charm dangling off her choker. “I was able to be myself, and live my life the way I defined it. Free from my parents’ expectations, free from this god awful society and its harsh realities...” But Grace stopped herself from reminiscing too much. In the end, her childhood ended with a rude awakening. That the person she became when she was on the Train was a selfish person that was deeply in denial of her own trauma and the consequences of her actions. It was quite ironic that her childhood ended when she herself ended another girl’s childhood. Something like that she couldn’t possibly reveal to Tulip. She turned to look at the innocent 18-year-old redhead beside her. What would Tulip think of her if she ever found out what Grace had done when she was 18? And even before that? It would be in her best interest to just keep that to herself. 

 

For the next few days, while Tulip wasn’t agonizing over her midterms, her mind kept returning to the dinner she had Wednesday night. When Grace brought up how she ran away for eight years, Tulip immediately understood why she felt like they were kindred spirits. She didn’t want to get her hopes up that her friend used to be a Train passenger, but the two of them at least had the act of running away in common. Although, the thought of Grace being stuck on the Train for eight years did not bring her much comfort. Could this have been Amelia’s fault , Tulip wondered. Passengers weren’t informed about what numbers meant until after she restored One-One as the rightful Conductor. It wasn’t out of the question for someone, especially a child, to just never learn how passenger numbers worked and find themselves trapped. Of course, this would presuppose that Grace had been a passenger, which is still up in the air.

Tulip removed her glasses, flopped onto her bed, and sighed heavily. She laid on her back and held up her right arm, palm turned towards her face. She hadn’t thought about the Train this much in years. The last time she gave that place this much thought was when she found out about Lake managing to escape. Lake used to be her reflection in the mirror, and she absolutely hated being one. Tulip used a bit of ingenuity to unbind her from the Chrome Car, and freed her from the Mirror Dimension. She now lived in Arizona with a former passenger named Jesse. Back then, she wondered why after almost a year, her reflection returned in the mirror. She had assumed the worst, that perhaps they recaptured Lake and forced her back to the life that tormented her so much. But it seemed that in the Mirror Dimension, they just recycled some other poor soul to replace Lake. While the Mirror Dimension sounded like an existential nightmare of a Dystopian society, what bugged Tulip more was what Lake had to experience on the Train itself. She was always treated as second best to passengers, and even though she expressed a desire to leave the Train, she was unable to. She and Jesse had to use a loophole in order to leave, and One-One didn’t just let her off because she wanted to. Despite how friendly One-One seemed, he was still a machine that operated based on the Train’s weird and twisted rules. No matter how benevolent the Train’s goals might be, it was not itself a kind and just entity.

Tulip covered her face with her hands and groaned. “Crap, how will I ever explain all this to Grace?” she asked her dorm room. She was one of the lucky freshmen that had a room all to herself. At times like these, it was extremely helpful for sifting through all her complicated emotions. Still, she should probably try to get some rest. It was already past midnight, and she needed to prepare for her Intro to Proofs test that would take place in two days. Suddenly, her phone chimed. The person who texted was not who she expected.

“Hey nerd, how’s college going?” It was Lake. Speak of the devil, Tulip thought.

“Hi Lake. College is fine, kinda overwhelmed though.”

“Same. I’m taking a sociology course to learn more about your dumb human society. We talked about Karl Marx today. That guy is the coolest. 10/10 beard.” 

Tulip rolled her eyes. “I guess you’re gonna smash capitalism with your metal fists now?”

“Fuck yeah!” Lake added a fist emoji after that, as well as a bionic arm emoji. Lake continued to pontificate about the awesomeness of Karl Marx, and why workers needed to unite and overthrow the rich billionaires. Tulip wasn’t paying too much attention. She’s already heard that a thousand times before as her friends were all some kind of left-leaning progressive. She debated whether or not to share some of her feelings with Lake regarding telling Grace about the Train. The former reflection was a wild card when it came to conversations, but it’s not as if Tulip had anyone else to talk to that would understand her situation. 

 “So, I think I met someone who might have been a former passenger.”

“Really? Another loser who had issues they needed to work through vis a vis journeying through magical lands? Sounds like a real nerd.” Tulip already told Lake before that isn’t how “vis-à-vis” is used, but Lake did not care.

 “Can we be serious here?”

“Fine.” Lake punctuated her text with an emoji sticking its tongue out. “Tell me more about them.”

“I met her at a seminar program. She seemed really on top of things, and she honestly helped me get oriented during the first few weeks of the semester. Because of that, I told her I’ll also try to be there for her. So eventually she revealed to me that she had a troubled home life and ran away as a kid. It took a lot for her to admit that to me, and it seems she never told her other friends about it. She didn’t say more than that, but it sounds like it could mean she was a former passenger?” Tulip hesitated before sending the message. She edited some of the passages a few times so the context was clear, but she couldn’t give away too much about Grace’s situation. Tulip still thought it sounded way too frazzled, but she was too tired to care and sent it along.

It took Lake about two seconds to read it. “Well, why don’t you just ask her?” was her immediate reply.

“How? If I start talking about the Train, and it turns out she wasn’t a passenger, she’s going to think I’m crazy!”

“How else are you gonna find out? Just do it! If she’s not a passenger, just say you were joking or being ironic.”

“That’s not going to work, Lake. If she thinks I was just joking about the Train, it’s going to come across as insensitive. It’s already really unbelievable that something like that could exist, so it’s scummy to turn around and claim that I was just joking. I don’t want to make light of her situation.” 

Lake took a bit longer to type out a response. The typing icon for their chat indicated a lot of activity. Finally, her reply came. “Ok look Tulip. Since you said it took a lot for her to tell you about her issues, and you already feel like you should do the same, then just tell her about the Train. If she thinks you’re crazy then so be it. At least you were honest with her, just like she was with you. Isn’t that what really matters in the end?” Even though the chrome girl had a surprisingly abrasive personality, Lake knew when to tone it down when she needed to. 

“Yeah, you’re right. Thanks Lake.”

“That’s me, solving all your human problems even after leaving the goddamn Train!” Lake said, ending with a winking face and a bullet train emoji. They both logged off after that text exchange. Tulip resolved to tell Grace everything after midterms were over. First, she needed to get some well-needed rest.

It was bright. A warm sunlit room. Grace was back in the cozy study of her parents’ house. A young child was drawing a picture in front of her, while humming a familiar tune. Ah, that was right, she was tutoring this child. Tutoring was something she did at first to appease her parents after getting in trouble during her “high school” days, but she found herself finding a lot of satisfaction in it. Grace sighed and gazed out the window onto a beautiful spring afternoon. It won’t be long before she can apply for college, as her online courses are wrapping up soon, and her SAT scores were excellent. 

The child finished her crayon drawing and showed it to Grace. “Look Grace! This is the two of us!” she said excitedly and smiled a toothy grin. The drawing indeed depicted a crude rendition of Grace back when her hair was in mini dreadlocks. Next to the drawing of Grace was a young girl with a messy tangle of dark blonde hair, wearing an ill-fitting shirt and shorts combo with a tie around her neck. 

“Great job Hazel!” Grace was so proud of her, she had come a long way. Grace reached over and gave Hazel a loving rub on her head. “You’re my favourite student. I’m so glad you could be here with me.” Hazel beamed with pride, Grace wished this moment could last forever. Just the two of them in the study, drawing pictures and laughing. But then Hazel’s expression turned forlorn. She looked down at her picture. Tears formed in her eyes.

“If you’re glad to be with me…” she asked, “then why did you call me a null?” The word landed with a thud and echoed in the large empty room. The light turned cold. Grace felt a knot in her stomach. “Hazel…” Grace needed to explain to her. She won’t get another chance. She needed to explain. 

The young girl quickly took another drawing out of her bag. As Grace laid her eyes on it, she felt a pain in her chest as if an arrow had pierced right through her heart. This picture had three people on it. Hazel in the middle crying her eyes out, with a turtle shell on her back. Grace was in it too, but instead of smiling, she was angry. As was the third and final figure. A teenage boy with his blond hair in a ponytail. The rest of the page was filled with the word “NULL!” written over and over again, as if they were taunting Hazel with it.

“You’re lying Grace, you hate me!” Hazel was definitely crying now. Not in the messy way that children her age usually did, but in the controlled way that older kids and adults cried. Hazel was upset, but not inconsolable. She was also perfectly aware of exactly why she was upset.

“No, that’s not true! Don’t say that!” Grace pleaded, but it was useless. Hazel knew her words were useless and empty.

“If you liked me, if you cared about me, then why didn’t you protect me?” Hazel asked in an accusing tone. The room began to shift. Bookshelves grew taller, the furniture around them disappeared. There was only Grace and Hazel sitting on the cold barren hardwood floors of the study. 

“I only did what I thought was best for you at the time, but now I know it was wrong. I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” She grasped Hazel’s shoulders tightly, tried to look into her eyes and reassure her that she’ll be there for her now. Hazel refused to budge. Her gaze was firmly fixed to the ground, and her long hair obscured her tear-stained face from Grace’s view. Hazel composed herself as she prepared to speak again. 

“Sorry’s not going to fix what happened.”

“I know…”

“Sorry won’t bring Tuba back.”

“I know...”

“Sorry won’t bring Simon back either.” 

Her heart stopped as Hazel mentioned his name. Grace had no more words left. Her vision was swirling, she fell to her knees. She turned away from Hazel, covered her mouth with her hands, and let herself cry. The room kept getting bigger and emptier as she sobbed silently. The windows had moved so far that their light was only a dim glow in the distance. Everything felt lifeless and grey, and far away.

The doorbell rang and echoed in the large house. “Amelia’s here.” Hazel said. She exited the study. Grace stood up, “Wait, Hazel.” She ran into the main foyer of her home, just as Hazel was about to leave through the main doors. “Hazel!” As the doors closed, Grace could barely make out Amelia leading Hazel away. Grace burst through the main entrance. “Hazel!” 

Instead of her front yard, the doors led to a metal bridge across a wide chasm. A cacophonous rumble filled her ears. In front of her was a giant metal contraption that stretched on for miles. Grace was back on the Train. 

“No.” 

Grace woke up in a cold sweat. She was in her bedroom in the apartment she rented for school. It was early enough that it was still dark out. She got up quietly to get a glass of water from the kitchen and sort out her thoughts. As the kitchen lights flickered on, she groaned. A stack of dishes greeted her in the sink. Both Grace and her roommate were the kind of rich girls who never had to do chores, so they put them off as much as possible. However, Grace felt that her turn on the dishes was probably long overdue. She grabbed the sponge and detergent and started scrubbing. It gave her time to think, at least.

The dream unearthed a mountain of memories Grace would have rather kept buried. It was odd that at a time like this, Hazel had returned to her dreams. Perhaps her confession to Tulip about “running away” jogged her memory. She used to constantly dream of Hazel coming back to her when she was still on the Train, but the dreams slowly disappeared when she finally returned home. It made sense, a part of earning her exit from the Train was learning to accept all the mistakes she made, and this included realizing how she treated that poor girl was incredibly selfish. Grace was pretty sure she had ruined Hazel’s trust in others permanently, and being raised by Amelia will only further that. If Grace had never entered the picture, Hazel would never have to leave with Amelia, and she could have been perfectly happy with her adoptive mother Tuba. On the other hand, Amelia said that Hazel was one of her failed experiments, which she was tasked to quarantine from the rest of the Train by the true Conductor. Amelia was an unstoppable force of nature. Even if Tuba was alive, Grace doubted even a 200 pound gorilla could stand in the way of her. Maybe it was inevitable that Hazel would find herself under the care of that cold calculating woman, no matter what Grace did. Inevitability, what an interesting concept.

There were certain outcomes that could have been different, that weren’t inevitable. Grace knew those outcomes had been borne out of her own selfish desires. The entirety of the Apex, for example. She felt the guilt eating her up inside again, and her vision blurred. Those kids didn’t have to stay on the Train for as long as they did, and it was all because she had a false impression about passenger numbers that she never bothered to verify as fact. In the end, she did confess to them the truth about numbers, but it still meant her one mistake had robbed those kids months and even years of their childhood. 

She recalled some of the detectives and private investigators that were sent her way in the first few months after her return. They were all related to cases of missing children that were part of the Apex. Those kids probably recognized her from the news reports on their television screen and their parents connected the dots. Of course, since Grace’s father was a former diplomat, he had the smartest PR team on their side.  They spun Grace’s story as a saviour of missing children, which of course was corroborated by the kids having positive recollections of her. What a fucking lie. If anything, Grace’s mistaken belief could have cost those kids everything, and it was goddamn lucky that the only casualty of her selfish little lie was…

A sharp pain in her finger yanked her back to reality. Grace dropped whatever she was holding and looked down at the sink to see a thick ribbon of blood trickling out of her fresh wound. She was washing a knife and had cut her finger open. Great, just perfect . She ran to the bathroom to dress her wound. While exiting the kitchen, she finally noticed the clock read 4:35AM. God, she needed to go back to bed. Screw the dishes, screw the dream. She’s off the Train. All of that happened years ago, the consequences of her actions long settled in the dust. None of that mattered anymore. She has a new life now. Her friends don’t know her past, even if they might vaguely know she was “that congresswoman’s daughter who may have gone missing for a few years.” She wanted it to stay that way, and needed it to. As Grace settled back in her bed, she had only one thing on her mind: she needed to finish her essay on the intersectionality of black and queer identities for Comparative Politics. It was due Thursday and it’s getting ridiculous how much she’s been putting it off.

 

“Okay, um. So...uh. Hmm.” Tulip usually didn’t stammer so much. She was fidgeting with the edge of her unzipped hoodie with one hand, and twirling a strand of her hair with the other. Grace was getting impatient, and worse, letting it show. 

“Yeah? Just spit it out already.” Even though Grace said that in a playful tone, Tulip knew that she needed to get to the damn point already.

“So did you, or did you not get my text the other day?” she finally managed to say. Tulip had decided that today of all days would be her big reveal. She finished all her midterms, and any assignments she hadn’t completed were ones that had just been assigned. The hectic storm of academic stress in the middle of the semester had passed, so of course it was the perfect time for her to invite another storm into her life. Yep, definitely the correct decision to see if her new friend thinks she’s a crazy person while waiting with dreadful anticipation of what her test marks would turn out to be. Great job, Tulip .

“Yeah, I got it. Sorry, it was a bit of a hectic week for me. I should have responded sooner.” If Tulip was not as on edge as she currently was, Grace’s reply would have come across as too smooth to have been spontaneous. But Tulip just kicked herself for seeming too clingy. 

“Oh, right. Yeah, you have tests and assignments too. God, I’m sorry. I don’t want to become one of those people who demand that everyone replies to my messages immediately. Sorry!” At this moment, Tulip was only aware of how raw and exposed her nerve endings are, and nothing else. Grace placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder. It did not calm Tulip down.

“You asked me if I was free to talk after the lecture session, right? Yeah, I’ve got a moment to spare.” Grace crossed her arms and leaned against the wall. She still wore a concerned expression, but only enough to seem like a responsible older sister, and not too much to stress out Tulip even more.

“Oh, good! Great. So...yeah we should go somewhere not here, I guess?” Tulip was practically vibrating from her anxiety. She closed her eyes and took a couple of deep breaths. “We should go to a park or something. I don’t-” Tulip looked to the side and clutched her arms. “I don’t want anyone else to hear what I have to say. Okay?”

“Okay.” Grace moved closer to the other girl, opening up her arms and leaning forward slightly as she did. “It’s going to be alright, Tulip.” Tulip dove into the invitation for a hug. Since she was about two inches shorter than Grace, the hug felt especially comforting. She let herself believe this was a good sign. 

 

The two girls traveled across the college campus to a quiet park overlooking a body of water. Along the way, they saw various students and families with kids in costumes. That’s right, today was Halloween and both had completely forgotten. It served as a nice distraction from the looming “talk” they would have. They also decided to converse as normal before they got there, not touching the topic until Tulip felt ready to bring it up. Grace made a decision to only talk about non-stressful subjects such as TV shows and movies. The long walk and the shift in focus to more mundane things calmed Tulip down. She was no longer fidgeting, or making herself smaller by the time they got to the park. It also turns out that Tulip was not too well versed in live-action shows, usually only dabbling in popular sitcoms, or staples of nerd culture like Star Trek or Game of Thrones. Unsurprisingly, she watched quite a lot of animated shows and had the usual Tulip amount of things to say about them. Grace felt that must have been what contributed the most to settling her nerves. Just get the girl to go on about the intimate minutiae of the detailed storytelling of a cartoon featuring an adventurous boy and his stretchy dog companion, and nothing else in the world will seem like it ever mattered. She said that particular cartoon just aired its series finale right as college started, which made it feel like the end of an era to her childhood.

Childhood ...Sometimes hearing Tulip even mention the concept of childhood made Grace quite envious of her. When Tulip hinted at some embarrassingly unbelievable secret related to her act of “running away”, Grace first felt hopeful that she had finally met someone she could trust with her feelings on her eight lost years. However, the more she thought about it, the more she felt Tulip would not be someone she could bare all of herself to. In fact, Grace doubted now more than ever that she would meet another person in the world that could possibly have experienced a “childhood” anywhere close to her own. And yet, Tulip was the only person she’d met after leaving the Train that Grace felt a real connection with. Could she really let Tulip be burdened with the unsavoury knowledge of her past? It might be the responsible thing to do as a friend, but if Tulip knew the real Grace, it would risk severing that connection. She still has painful memories of the last time she tried forming a real friendship. Would she really risk going through all that heartbreak again if Tulip wasn’t able to accept Grace? A vision of Hazel entered Grace’s mind. It had been so long that she wasn’t sure if this memory was what the girl really looked like. Besides, after four years, Grace was at least certain that the Hazel she knew no longer existed.

As the entrance to the park came into view, both girls felt the butterflies in their stomach return. They silently approached the bench at the furthest end of the park, blocked off by several large trees and hedges. Tulip sat down first and steadied herself as Grace sat down next to her. She needed to make sure that when she started explaining, her words were clear and there would be no room for misunderstandings or ambiguity. She took her glasses off, cleaned the lenses with her hoodie’s sleeve, and replaced them on her face. Finally, she turned to Grace. 

“So, here we go. It’s my turn to be honest. I just want to say off the bat to please just listen to me explain everything. It’s going to sound like a lot, it’s going to sound really unbelievable, like the plot of a weird sci-fi movie or mystery TV show. Like, it sounds crazy even to myself, but I promise that I’m not just making it up to seem cool or whatever. I would never do that. Okay?” Tulip folded her arms together, and waited for Grace’s confirmation. “Okay. I’ll hear you out completely.” she replied. 

 

Tulip began recounting the events of her disappearance almost five years ago. Her parents’ divorce drama had caused her to miss Game Design Camp. Like the petulant preteen that she was, she was so distraught that she ran away in the middle of winter hoping to get there herself. The next thing Tulip knew, she got picked up by train that appeared from out of nowhere, and was no longer on Earth. Grace’s expression visibly hardened as she heard Tulip mention a train taking her from the middle of nowhere, but Tulip wasn’t really aware of Grace at this point. She was concentrating too much on telling her story properly. 

Tulip soon realized she wasn’t on any ordinary train, but a seemingly magical Train that had cars with entire worlds inside of them. She also noticed that a glowing number had appeared on her right hand, which seemed to change on a whim. While journeying across the Train’s cars she traveled with two companions: a round little robot with two contrasting personalities called One-One, and Atticus, the ruler of the Corgi Kingdom. For reasons she did not understand, travelling with One-One drew the attention of some unsavoury characters. One was a conniving cat who one at time trapped her inside her own memories. Another was a mysterious and malevolent entity known only as the Conductor. There were also creatures that roamed around the outside of the Train that mindlessly attacked passengers. This was why Tulip was afraid of the statue in the quad. As Tulip continued her recounting, everything about the girl’s quirks and mannerisms made perfect sense. Now it was Grace’s turn to realize why she felt like Tulip was a kindred spirit. 

Eventually, Tulip realized why she was on the Train. She needed to better understand the circumstances of her parents’ divorce and learn to cope with the emotions associated with that. She finally understood that the number on her palm was supposed to decrease whenever she gained a healthier outlook on life. Unfortunately, she learned that lesson at the worst possible moment. The Conductor attacked and took One-One away, while also turning Atticus into one of those terrifying soul-sucking creatures. Even though her number reached zero, and she could have left the Train, she stuck around in order to help her friends. 

She traveled all the way to the Train’s Engine, and took on the Conductor. That was when she discovered that the Conductor was just another passenger like her, a woman named Amelia who lost the love of her life, and refused to let go. She took control of the train from One-One, the True Conductor, so she could try and recreate her former life with her fiance. Unfortunately, even after all those years, she had no success. Amelia’s actions also led to her amassing the largest number Tulip had ever seen. Of course, Tulip did not come across any other passengers on her trip so she wasn’t actually sure how many passengers could gain numbers that high. Tulip wasn’t sure how, but she was able to convince Amelia to stop her futile quest, and restore One-One to his rightful position as Conductor. She even managed to turn Atticus back into the regal corgi he once was. Knowing that her friends were safe, and that she also changed the Train itself to be friendlier, she finally returned back home. 

 

Tulip breathed a sigh of relief as she finished her story. “So...that’s that. I ran away as a kid because I couldn’t deal with my parents’ divorce and then had a weird inter-dimensional Train adventure.” She looked at Grace expectantly, searching for any signs of a lightbulb going off in her head. Any hint of recognition. But Grace simply looked...amused? 

“Well, that was...certainly unexpected, Tulip!” 

“Un-unexpected?” Tulip was dumbstruck. 

“Yeah, it’s quite the story.” Grace was most definitely amused. It didn’t seem like she was afraid or disgusted of Tulip at least, but finding her story funny was not an ideal situation either.

“W-what do you mean by that? I wasn’t making it up! I wasn’t lying!” Tulip’s face was probably the colour of beets. She couldn’t 

“Well, no I believe you weren’t but...that all does seem a little far fetched don’t you think?” Far-fetched. Far-fetched? Tulip zipped up her sweater, drew her hood up, and pulled herself into a fetal position. She scootched away from Grace to the far end of the bench. “Shit.” she mumbled into her sweater. “I...I’m sorry.” She couldn’t believe how stupid she’d been. Grace wasn’t a former passenger. She just told all of her Train experiences to someone who had no idea what the hell she was on about. Tulip had been careful to not reveal the existence of the Train to anyone. Not her friends from school, not the police, not even her parents. She was extremely careful, the only other time she was this honest was meeting Jesse for the first time. She just wanted to take back all of what she just said. It wasn’t a relief anymore, it was humiliating .

As Grace saw Tulip’s intense reaction, her demeanor changed. “Please, Tulip. I didn’t mean to deny what you went through. No matter whether it was real or not, the experiences felt real to you, right?” No response from Tulip. Grace felt like extending a hand over to her, but in the end, she just stayed where she was. Guilt gripped her insides once again. 

“Hey, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been so dismissive of your story. Really. That was a bad move on my part.”

  “No. It’s fine.” A pause. A gentle breeze blew through the trees, loosening a couple of leaves from the branches. Birds chirped their evening songs. The waves lapped gently on the waterfront, and other people came and went about their day as usual. But both girls sat frozen in place on the bench, both racked with regret. 

“I shouldn’t have told you.” Tulip finally admitted. “Just forget I said any of that.” She was shaking again. Was it nerves? Was she crying? It was hard to tell. Grace stood up. 

“I have to go now. I’ve still got an essay to finish writing for tomorrow.” She waited for a response from Tulip, but she remained firmly inside her sweater cocoon. “We can walk back together, if you’d like that.”

“Go on without me. I need a minute.”

Grace turned to leave. “Take care of yourself, alright? It’s getting dark soon.”

“...’Kay…”

 

It had gotten very dark by the time Tulip got back to her dorm. She went straight to her room, as she had lost her appetite for dinner. She dropped her backpack on the ground with a thud, and flopped onto her bed. Ugh. You fucking idiot. You blew it. She thought about her conversation with Lake a few days ago. “At least you were honest with her...isn’t that what really matters in the end?” Tulip covered her head with a pillow and screamed into it. She had really gone and made a mess of things. Grace must think Tulip was either extremely unstable and prone to believing in flights of fancy, or a very insensitive person who thought it would be funny to claim to open up about a traumatic event, but then just made up a ridiculous story instead. Why didn’t she stop and think to probe Grace a bit more for hints of being a passenger? She could have avoided all of this embarrassment. Instead, she just dove head-first into something she should have prepared more for. Any way you slice it, Tulip introduced something with far too much awkwardness for the two of them to go back to their previous mode of friendship. 

She opened up the messaging app on her phone. There was an unread message from Grace wondering whether she made it back safely. Tulip ignored it. Instead, she opened up the direct message to Lake and typed

“Wow I really fucked up. Big time. I just knocked it out of the park of fuckery. I’ll forever be remembered as the giant nerd who hit the home-run of being fucked.” Then Tulip turned off her phone, and went to bed. It wasn’t like she had any commitments for tomorrow until 1PM anyway.

 

Grace stared blankly at her computer screen. The essay she needed to finish by tomorrow was opened in front of her. It was technically “completed” but she knew it needed more work. It was far from polished, hardly her best writing. Some of her arguments were lacking in evidence, but she had found better sources for them. These mistakes were easy to fix, but she couldn’t bring herself to focus at all. Her mind kept replaying the events of her evening in the park. Over and over again, like a stuck tape. It was true, Tulip was a former passenger. And she trusted Grace enough not only to tell her, but to recount her entire journey. But when it came down to it, Grace couldn’t bring herself to admit the truth to Tulip. Because first that would require her to face the truth. Are you really that much of a fucking coward, she asked herself. 

Was it the fact that Tulip turned out to have played a larger role in the operations of the Train than Grace had thought was possible? Was it the revelation that she had met both Amelia and the true Conductor? Or was Grace simply just scared to reveal herself to Tulip? Afraid that Tulip might get to know all the myriad ways she had let down the people who depended on her most, and want nothing to do with her? Even if Tulip just had a regular boring Train journey, perhaps Grace still would have kept her lips sealed tightly. At times like this, she wondered how she ever managed to leave the Train. Did she even change at all? She was still a coward, and a liar. How did she ever believe Tulip could be her friend? And now she’s closed that door for good. Goddamn it. Grace needed to know if she could even make one close friend without ruining them with her own fucking lies. 

Grace gave up on her essay and slammed her laptop shut. She needed a drink. She walked out of her room and surveyed her empty apartment. Her roommate was out partying. Well, it was Halloween wasn’t it? This time last year, or even last week, she would have gone out with her roommate, but today she felt too guilty about Tulip’s confession, and the hanging dread of the essay she had due. Big mistake, should have gone anyway to forget herself. Her thoughts were too loud. She went to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of gin. She should probably mix it with something, but whatever. It’s been a shitty day, and her shitty thoughts needed to shut the hell up. She poured herself a shot, and downed it all in one gulp. She poured herself another. She felt a calming wave wash over her. She marched over to the couch, and plopped herself down. She turned on the TV and watched whatever was at the top of the recommendations list of her Netflix account. Some edgy Sabrina the Teenage Witch remake? Why the fuck not. She kept drinking until she not only could she not hear her conscience, but she could barely hear the television. Perhaps this was the reason why there were more kids on the Train than adults. Adults could just numb themselves with drugs. That was sort of like fixing the problem right? The last thing Grace remembered before passing out was thinking how much she missed the nineties version of Sabrina the Teenage Witch.

Tulip stepped back, fear in her eyes. “Stay away from me!”

“Please, Tulip. I’m sorry!” Grace pleaded.

Tulip covered her ears as she started to cry. “You’re a monster, you’ve killed denizens! I don’t want anything to do with you!” She turned and ran from Grace. She ran through the labyrinthine corridors of the university. As Grace chased after Tulip, the architecture of the campus grew more and more bizarre around them. Gravity changed directions. pieces of the student center drifted past them in mid-air. The Health Sciences building was inside out, and the overgrown roots of the arboretum on top of the Forestry and Ecology building consumed the entire structure. All across the campus there were turtles. Turtle students sitting in upside-down lecture halls. Turtle vendors operating hot dog stands and fast food trucks. She ran past a turtle who resembled her History of Medieval Europe professor carrying a large iced coffee. “No more extensions, Grace!” her professor called after her.

There was a chasm in front of them. Tulip stopped right in front of the edge. Grace took this chance. “Just let me explain, please!” 

“Liar!” Tulip yelled back. She found some floating chunks of the road to her left, and began leaping from one to the other. The platforms led up to the sky, where the science library and the seminar’s lecture hall was. Grace realized she was wearing a harpoon pack. She propelled herself up with them. “Tulip stop! You’re going to get hurt!” They both landed on the other side of campus. Literally. Gravity was completely reversed there, and billowing clouds floated among the trees and statues of historical figures. Tulip kept running, and Grace kept pace behind her. She was running towards her dormitory, towards the quad. “Wait!” Grace shouted. It was useless. This was all useless. “Wait!”

Tulip ran right into the Cthulhu-dog. The sculpture came to life, revealing itself to be the largest Ghom Grace had ever seen. Tulip was on the ground, she couldn’t get up. Grace screamed her name. She ran as fast as her legs could carry her, but it was no use. The quad is sinking further away. She watched as Tulip tried to shuffle away from the Ghom, but she wasn’t fast enough. The Ghom pinned her down with its front paws, and began to take her life.

Grace woke up drenched in sweat again, the panic and terror not subsiding even in her wakefulness. She felt as if she could still sense the presence of the Ghom, but it was just the shadow of the tree branches against the wall. The sun was actually out, but it was early in the morning. 

She checked her phone. November 7th, 7:49AM. She checked her messages. Her latest text to Tulip was still marked unread. She checked the news. They were calling it. The Democrats won the House. She opened her SMS app and tapped her mom’s name. “Congratulations mom! I love you!” A reply came after ten minutes.

“Thank you.” That was it. It was better than nothing, she supposed. Another reply. “Congratulations are not really necessary. I had no competition at all.” Of course. This kind of response was more typical of her mother. Grace sank back into bed. She tried to go back to sleep, but instead she simply laid awake waiting for her 9AM alarm to go off. She had only one thought on her mind: it was four days until the eleventh.

 

“Hey Connie,” Tulip ran to her friend after their Calculus tutorial finished. “that data science colloquium you mentioned is still happening right?” 

“Yeah, but it’s going to be at the same time as the seminar’s guest lectures.” Connie responded. “You don’t normally miss those. I’m only going to the colloquium because the speaker is a famous cosmologist.” 

“I changed my mind. The colloquium sounds pretty interesting so I think I’ll join you.” Tulip was certain other physical science students she knew from the seminar program would be there as well. Most of the kids in her stream stopped going to the seminars’ guest lectures regularly as they tended to skew towards the humanities. She only kept going because it was the only time she could talk to Grace in person. However, it’s going to be a little bit awkward if she went today. Besides, she needed to focus on connecting more with her classmates instead of still being intimidated by them. She just found out the other day that every two weeks, a bunch of them would go out for sushi, and she had no idea it was happening.

“Yeah okay.” The two girls walked out of the building into a cool November afternoon, or as cool as it gets in this coastal city. 

“So you’re not going to talk to Grace today?”

“...Nah.”

“Did something happen between you two?”

“Mmmm no. I just figured I should give her some space.” Tulip felt she should clarify her statement a bit further so Connie won’t ask more questions. “It’s probably embarrassing for an upper-year student to always have a dopey freshman tag along with her everywhere.”

“I’m sure she doesn’t feel that way, but I’m glad we can hang out today.” Connie paused for a moment, and furrowed her eyebrows in worry. “If you don’t mind me prying, you’ve been kind of withdrawn lately?” Tulip stared at her shoes, trying to not think about the events that transpired last week. She searched her mind for a subject to bring up that would be completely divorced from those events. 

“It’s just stress. You know, from courses, and tests and all that. And you know, the midterm elections just happened yesterday as well. If you’ve been following that.” To be honest, she was not in a headspace to really care about politics, despite bringing it up in this conversation. But she needed something else to think about that wasn’t just her stupid mistake on Halloween. Connie seemed to take the change in subject in stride. “Yes I have been, and it’s pretty stressful too. But I think the good news is the House might be looking at a Democratic majority this time. That’s a silver lining in all this mess of our current political climate, right?” 

Tulip continued the conversation topic to the best of her ability, but she was unable to fully concentrate. Nothing could stop her mind from running away from the present and spiraling into negativity. For the last week she felt wholly disconnected from reality, existing on autopilot while her mind drifted endlessly in a sea of clouds. Tulip wished she could prioritize what to focus on like other people seemed to do easily. But for her, especially when a major emotional event happens, she would be completely unanchored. The more Tulip became disconnected, the worse she felt. She could only afford to be disconnected from politics because she has the privilege to. She was a middle class suburban white girl from Minnesota, so of course she could just block out the world whenever she wanted to. She felt exceptionally guilty, but then the guilt made her feel worse as it was a selfish guilt. She wished she could be present there with Connie, and actually have a proper discussion about politics. Connie was South Asian, a person of colour, she had more stakes in this than Tulip does. And it goes without saying that Grace did as well. Oh God, Grace Before she knew it, the memory of her bungled Train confession invaded her mind again. That was so so stupid. What was she thinking? Trying to equate her little fantasy trip to another dimension to Grace’s trauma? Wow, she just couldn’t believe how thoughtless and cruel that was. Making it all about herself when she should be more attentive to her friend’s needs. Tulip thought of Lake and Jesse as well. Although they all shared the experience of having been on the Train, neither of them were as lucky as Tulip when it came to living on Earth. Jesse was Native American, and Lake… well aside from her status as a past reflection, she also knew that Lake was starting to identify as non-binary. If Lake wasn’t forced to live a large part of her life mirroring Tulip, and was just another person born on Earth, would they even be friends? And she only knew Jesse through Lake. Otherwise, she probably wouldn’t know any Indigenous person at all. She knew that life would be especially stressful for Jesse and Lake, living in Arizona of all places these past couple of years, and yet she hardly reached out to them to ask how they were, or if they needed support. Living apart was no excuse anymore in this day and age. The last conversation she had with Lake was just all about her own stupid interpersonal problems. Can she really say that she is truly a good ally if at a time like this all she can do is think about herself?

“Tulip look out!”

A delivery van whooshed past inches from Tulip’s face. She had accidentally stepped off the curb while they were walking to the physics building. In an instant she felt her spirit yanked back in her body. The adrenaline rush finally shut off her endless barrage of thoughts. No more thinking, just breathe. You’re alive. Breathe. And watch your step. 

“Okay, genuine question. Have you been getting enough sleep these past few days?” Connie asked, her tone alarmed and worried.

“No, I guess not.” Tulip said despondently.

Connie began to step onto the cross walk when the signal turned, but Tulip was stuck in place. She walked over to Tulip and gave her a hug. “It’s going to be okay, alright?” Still in shock, tears welled up in Tulip’s eyes. Her breathing became more intense. “Connie...am I selfish?” 

“Huh? What gave you that idea?” the other girl asked in surprise.

“It’s just...I don’t think that I ever stop and think about how other people feel that much. I think I said something really insensitive to a friend, and I don’t know how to apologize or take it back.” After saying all this, Tulip sobbed even harder. “And even now, I’m dumping all of this on you. I shouldn’t be burdening others with my inconsequential problems!” 

“Your problems aren’t inconsequential! And I’m your friend, we should be helping each other through our problems.” Connie responded.

“Yeah, I know. But I’ve never had to help you with anything this heavy.” 

“Just because I’m here to help you first, doesn’t mean that you won’t be there for me in the future. And I think that it’s silly you think you’re selfish and don’t care about others. The fact that you’re wondering how to apologize to your friend is caring about them.” Connie pulled back from the hug to look at Tulip, but kept her hands on Tulip’s arms. “And I’ve had lots of conversations with you in the past. You clearly do care. Maybe a little too much actually. You know, you kind of remind me of my childhood best friend. He would also care way too much about everything and everyone.” She smiled and then added. “It’s okay to take time to think about yourself and process what you’re going through too. I’ll be glad to support you if you need me.” Tulip took her glasses off and dried her eyes. “Thank you so much, Connie. Really.” The two girls turned towards the cross walk again.

“Come on, there’s free coffee at the colloquium. We better hurry before the graduate students drink it all.” Connie said.

 

Every Wednesday fewer students showed up for the guest speakers, and it seems today it had reached a real low point in attendance. Grace scanned the lobby outside the lecture hall where the audience of students, mentors, and professors would generally gather. Tulip was nowhere to be found. Well, it was to be expected. Tulip finally messaged her an hour ago stating that she was going to attend a data science thing instead. Grace sent her a reply immediately, but Tulip left it unread again. Well, being here was pointless now. She didn’t know any of the other mentors, and no one was really around to make sure that mentors kept up with their assigned students every week. Otherwise Grace wouldn’t have gotten away with primarily talking to only one student, a STEM student, for so long. Grace sighed and got ready to leave. 

“It’s kind of a shame, isn’t it?” She didn’t recognize that voice. Grace turned around. It was another mentor, a young man with blond hair, hipster glasses, and a plaid shirt. “I think this part of the program is a bit weak. They could try to do it monthly and invite better quality speakers. That might help audience retention.”

“You’ve actually given this some thought haven’t you?” Grace asked. 

“Well, it’s kind of our job to think about this. That’s what we signed up for.” He replied. Grace had never really paid attention during the orientation process, so this is the first time she’s thought of what her actual responsibilities were for this role. Of course, the other mentor didn’t need to know that. She laughed as if it was a silly joke. This trick always worked for guys, and it was working this time as well, as he laughed along. “So which of these streams are you a mentor for?” Grace asked.

“Physical sciences. In fact, I came over to talk to you because I noticed you seem to have really made friends with one of the students in my stream.” He paused to take a sip of soda. “Let me guess what your stream is.” He put on a thinking face. “Hmm. History?” 

“Political science.” 

“Oooh, that’s gotta be difficult. Those poli-sci kids are gonna change the world someday.” This guy was clearly just being nice, everyone knows how insufferable poli-sci majors are. “Well they better do it so I don’t have to.” Grace said. The guy finally introduced himself. “I’m Chris.” They shook hands. 

“Grace.” A glimmer of recognition appeared in Chris’s eyes. “As in Grace Monroe?”

“Guilty as charged.” She laughed uneasily. 

"Hey, congratulations! But I’m sure you knew that your mom was going to win anyway. You know, I went to that panel the school held a while back where she was a guest.” Chris seemed flustered, but still put together. Not everyone who recognized her could be given the same credit.

“Yeah...let’s not talk about her tonight, maybe? Just tell me more about what you’re studying. Like what specifically in physical sciences?”

As the conversation went on, Grace wondered for a split second whether she should do this. In the back of her mind, she knew where this was going to end up. But a part of her had a small glimmer of hope. After they conversed for a healthy amount of time, she sprang the question “So you wanna go grab a beer or something?”

“Yeah, for sure. I know a pretty good pub nearby.” These guys always did. It was too easy.

 

It was a mistake. Another terrible mistake. Chris had been blowing up her DMs for days now. She needed to respond. Or block. Or something. Why did she keep doing this to herself? Why?

“Holy shit Grace, you only went on one date with the guy before ghosting him? That’s gotta be a new record.” Tessa, her roommate, said over her shoulder. 

“How long are you gonna, like, keep doing this? Like you know it’s gonna be much harder to find someone to go steady with once you’ve graduated right?” Tessa was in the final stages of styling her jet black hair into curls. She was going out with her boyfriend tonight, so she already had Instagram-worthy makeup on and was dressed to the nines. Meanwhile, Grace was in her pajamas with her hair in a bonnet.

“And unlike me, you’re probably gonna graduate on time despite, like, starting college late. Good thing I already found someone.” Tessa added with a giggle as she blinked her dark, almond-shaped eyes. Grace rolled her eyes and continued to ignore her phone. She was lying on the couch, and covered her face with her hands. 

“Can you do me a favour and just shut the fuck up, Tessa?” Her roommate ignored her request and kept on offering dating advice no one asked for.

“I mean, I’ve noticed that like, you keep going for one specific type of guy. Have you ever considered that maybe you’re just not compatible with them? You know that like, other types of people exist right?” Tessa reached for her most expensive purse, and put on the latest pair of shoes she bought.

“My dating life is still none of your fucking business.”

“I just think it’s a shame. You’re an amazing woman Grace, but you keep wasting your time with these guys who just seem mediocre as fuck. If you really found someone special we could go on cute double dates together! Au revoir! ” And with that, Tessa left. 

Grace stayed in place on the couch and stewed for several minutes. It was a Saturday night and she was all alone in her apartment again. She was such a mess that even Tessa could see it. That was it, she really hit rock bottom this time. Even worse, since Chris was part of that seminar program, she might actually see him again, and have to go through the uncomfortable process of acknowledging that she fucked up. She sat up and sighed. There was no one she could talk to. All her other friends were out with their dates as well. Tulip still left her last text message unread, and she still didn’t know where things stand between them. It was going to be another evening with her greatest friend of all, alcohol. She ran out of gin, so she took a bottle of whisky to her room. Making a habit of passing out on the couch would be a bad look. She opened her laptop, put Youtube on autoplay, and blocked out the world. 

The colourful cartoon kart crossed the finish line as a triumphantly cute fanfare played. “Looks like I win again!” Grace proclaimed. She set her controller down on the coffee table as well as her legs. She turned to Player Two next to her, “Just keep at it, and maybe you’ll beat me someday.” she said with a wink. 

“Nah, you’re way too good at this.” Simon leaned back in a stretch, and then placed his arms behind his head. “Besides, I’ll always beat you in Smash.” Grace moved closer and pinched his cheek playfully. “Hey just let me have this moment. It’s the only game I’m remotely good at.” She maneuvered herself onto Simon’s lap, and they kissed. She then placed her head against Simon’s shoulder, feeling the warmth of his skin.

She was in her own apartment but it was markedly different from how it was supposed to look. For one thing, it was filled with nerd paraphernalia. A shelf full of video games, anime, comic books, and figurines. There were posters on the wall for obscure science fiction films she’d never seen. However, there were objects from her childhood she thought had disappeared from her life forever. A Sailor Moon transformation trinket adorned the display shelf above the TV, right next to her ballet awards and a small painting depicting the Deathly Hallows symbol. Cute plush toys of Disney characters and Pokémon surrounded her. The shelves and walls were decorated with colourful origami cranes strung together. It felt like an apartment she could truly call home.  

“We should get dinner. You want pizza? Or tacos? Or that new Korean corn dog place down the street!” 

“We can’t have corn dogs for dinner.” 

“Yeah we can. I mean, we did just that the first time we came across the Lucky Cat Car, remember?” Simon cringed at that memory.

“I feel like that is an argument against corn dogs.” He repositioned Grace off his lap and stood up. “Let’s just make something.” Simon moved to the kitchen, rolled his sleeves up, and began gathering up ingredients. Grace remained on the couch, wanting to bask in her post-game victory bliss. What a perfect day it’s been. She wished there were more days like this. 

She reached out to grab her phone, and suddenly noticed the cut on her hand. She remembered accidentally giving herself that wound a while back when washing the dishes. What was she thinking about when she did that? The world felt unsteady. 

“So, I was going to make a quiche, but I think we’re out of eggs. How do you feel about tourtiere?” Grace did not respond. She simply stared blankly ahead. “Grace?”

“Hey...Simon?” Grace turned to look at him. “How did you leave the Train?”

His expression became sullen. He gazed down at the ingredients laid out in front of him and said nothing. Grace walked into the kitchen. She reached out and took his hand. Simon looked away from her. “I didn’t.”

“But then,” she began. She glanced around the apartment. There was a cool draft of air flowing in from somewhere. The paper cranes shuddered. “But then how are you here?” 

“I’m not here.” 

The room felt cold, very cold. There was a gust of wind that blew open the windows. Grace felt a sharp pain on her hand. Her wound was bleeding again. In front of her, Simon was shaking. He was gripping her hand, but it felt immaterial. Green glowing numbers appeared on Simon’s arm, traveling up his body to his neck. He finally turned to face her again, tears streamed from his deep blue eyes down as his number continued creeping up his face. “I died. Remember?”

No. No no no no no. 

Strings of paper cranes flew off the walls, following the rising wind that came to coalesce into a flurry around the two of them. Grace embraced Simon, wrapping her arms tightly around his body. “No, this can’t be happening!” She wanted to feel his warmth again. He felt like he had no mass, no density, no temperature. Just a vague outline, a three-dimensional impression of a human body. The more she yearned for his presence, the less embodied he became. Pieces of him began drifting away. Grace clasped his face in her hands. Her blood at least still clung to his skin, mingling with his tears and the green digits on his face. 

“Tell me this isn’t fucking happening. Please!”

Simon reached up with his slowly unraveling hand, and wiped her tears away. “I’m sorry, Grace.”

“No.” She couldn’t feel his hand at all. His fingers disintegrated as they made contact with her skin. “Don’t leave me, please don’t do this.” 

“I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough to leave the Train with you.” 

“Simon...”

“Goodbye.”

He crumbled to dust before her. Her hands that only seconds ago held his face were now only holding a handful of ash, which was blown away by the tornado that surrounded her. She fell to her knees, holding herself. The paper cranes fluttered frantically around her. She had nothing left. Nothing. 

A dense fog settled into the city in the dark of the early morning. Grace stood on the bridge overlooking the tracks of the city’s train station. The incandescent lights around her were blinding. Not a single soul was in sight from her vantage point. A cold wind blew as a train passed underneath, just like the wind in her dream. She gripped the notebook in her hands tighter and held it closer to her chest.

“I know you’re showing me those dreams to tell me to come crawling back to you! If you want me so badly, here I am!” Grace screamed into the night. “I know you’re out there!” She heard the sound of a distant train horn. But the sound was too worn out, not pristine enough. Too human, not mechanical.

“Well?!” She asked. “Take me back!” She leaned against the railing. Tears fell from her face to the tracks below. “I need you to take me back!”

Again, no response. Only the sound of her laboured breathing as she choked out messy sobs. 

“Please...just take me back.”

Rain began to fall. Grace ran for cover, not wanting to get her hair wet, nor the notebook she was carrying. She ran back inside the station and settled on a bench in the large atrium. Only one or two 24-hour shops were still open. The old style analog clock above the benches told her it was quarter to four. No one else was there. This was such a stupid idea . She checked to make sure the notebook hadn’t been damaged by her little stunt, and breathed a sigh of relief. It was still pretty much in the same condition as the day she left the Train, and she had always made sure of that. She couldn’t leave until the rain let out. Carefully, she took the notebook out of its plastic bag and began to look through it, just for old time’s sake. 

First she glanced at the cover page. The title of Simon’s novel was scribbled down in his messy writing. She opened it to the first page. There it was. The last photos they took together on the Train, and the last photos that existed of Simon Laurent. They were both around 16 or 17, whenever the photo booth in the Mall Car was last operational. Grace was surprised by how young they looked. How naive they were with that stupid Apex symbol scrawled across their faces. Then her eyes landed on something that she had forgotten she had written down. On the top of the first page, in purple gel pen ink, before the unfinished foreword she had promised to write for his unfinished novel was this message:

"In case we ever get out of here, this is my email: [email protected]

Add me on MSN! - <3 Grace”

She closed the notebook, returned it to its proper place inside the sealed plastic bag, and shoved it into her backpack. Grace on the bench sat with her head down, her hands cradling her face as she cried. She cried until it was light out, and the coffee shop opened for the first round of commuters. Then she got up as if nothing had happened and took the bus back to campus.

“For the last time Tulip, we’re fine and we don’t need you to suffocate us with your support.” Lake’s reply was extremely fast for someone whose status was always set to “busy”. Tulip frowned in dismay. She was sitting in the cafe again. She tried to work, but found no motivation. This was how she ended up in another text exchange with Lake.

“Am I really suffocating?” Tulip asked.

“Okay that might have been a bit unfair. I’m glad you’re on our side, how about that? Just, I dunno, lay off the guilt a bit? You’re not a bad person just because you have to deal with personal problems.” 

“And also, I feel a bit responsible? I did just tell you to go all in on this girl gung-ho with your life story. I tend to do that with people I first meet so they don’t ask me any more questions. But, I should have figured you don’t really work that way.” Huh. Lake was never the touchy-feely type, yet here she was actually acknowledging she made a mistake. 

“No, I think I would have told her eventually.” Tulip typed in reply. “Maybe I should have dropped a couple more hints first? Then she might have been more comfortable with the idea. I need more than just two people to talk to about that Train stuff.” 

“In my opinion, it didn’t even sound like she took it that hard. Maybe you’re just being too hard on yourself.” Lake responded. Tulip sipped her coffee as she contemplated that. Yes, she did suppose Grace wasn’t offended by her story. She simply found it amusing, even though it was unbelievable. And clearly she felt that it wasn’t so ridiculous that they should end their friendship. 

“Yeah you’re right. I’m gonna ask if she wants to meet in person today and we can patch things up.” 

Lake added a thumbs up reaction to Tulip’s last message, and then typed “Cool cool cool.” Tulip figured that was the end of the conversation, but Lake was still typing. 

“Sooooooo, I’ve been playing this game a lot lately. Persona 5? It’s really good! I think we should do a group cosplay! Jesse can be the detective guy, I’m going to be the protagonist, of course. You can be that hacker girl! You’ve got red hair, glasses, and you hack stuff. It’s a perfect fit!” Tulip closed the chat window and groaned. Lake always managed to pivot right into the most inane topics right after a serious conversation, and vice versa. Seriously, cosplay? And that reflection liked to call humans “nerds”. 

Before Tulip seriously got down to work, she needed to message one more person. She didn’t need to search her contact list too long, as she had texted Grace recently. 

“Hey! I’m really sorry about ditching on Wednesday. Let’s make up for it. Want to hang out later today? Let’s say 4PM? We could go see a movie, or whatever.” After an hour of working, Tulip received a one word response. “Sure.”

 

Tulip spotted Grace sitting on a bench outside the science library. She approached apprehensively, not sure how to start a conversation after the last time they saw each other. Tulip developed a knot in her stomach as her shame and embarrassment resurfaced, but she remembered what Lake said, and tried her best to push the emotions down. She wasn’t offended. She doesn’t think you’re a self-centered weirdo. Maybe. Argh. Tulip told her brain to shut up.

“Hi Grace. Uh so, sorry I missed you last week. You know, at that Wednesday thing.” Great job, very smooth and not awkward at all . Tulip continued stammering “So, I...uh…about last time...”

“Tulip, I’m really, really sorry about what happened on Halloween. I had no excuse to be so dismissive of you.” Tulip froze with a stupefied expression. “Oh, um. Apology not necessary?” Stunned, she continued to stand in front of Grace unable to process what was happening.

Grace stood up and met Tulip’s gaze. Tulip quickly avoided eye contact. “I understand if you don’t think you can trust me anymore. I know building trust is hard, and once you lose it, you can’t get it back,” Grace said. It seemed to Tulip that Grace wasn’t her usual self, and not in a masking way. Tulip had never seen Grace display such sadness. If Tulip wasn’t mistaken, it even seemed that Grace had been crying moments before.

“Well, look. I sort of thought I broke your trust. You see, I didn’t want you to think that when I confessed those crazy things to you that I was making light of your situation. I want to apologize if that was the case.”

“It’s not. Really, I wasn’t offended. It surprised me, but not in a bad way. Look, I was the one who made it awkward, not you.” Tulip considered what Grace said. Lake was right after all. Tulip had overreacted, and it seemed Grace wasn’t upset with her at all. Although, Tulip wasn’t quite sure why Grace was being so hard on herself, or why she was apologizing for having an incredulous reaction to her story. Well, at least they figured everything out. 

“Ah, I think I took it too hard. I mean, yeah it’s not something that I tell a lot of people. So it makes sense that you’re not going to just accept it and be all ‘Why yes Tulip, it must have been very hard for you to get kidnapped by an omnipotent train.’” Tulip did a goofy voice for the last part, and it made Grace smile a little. Tulip still didn’t know what to do next, so she extended a handshake towards Grace. Grace glanced at her hand, then walked closer and pulled Tulip into a hug. The uncertainty in both girls melted away at that instant. 

“Let’s get some boba or something.” Grace stated. 

“Yeah, I’d like that.” 

 

With boba in hand, they perused the retail stores at the shopping mall closest to the university. Monday afternoon wasn’t the busiest time for the mall, which both girls appreciated. Tulip wasn’t too interested in clothes shopping, but the ritual made sense to her, so she didn’t mind waiting as Grace went into every trendy fashion store and tried on several items. Tulip brought a novel to read when things got slow. 

“What do you think of the green top with this skirt?” Grace asked.

“I think it looks good.” Tulip responded.

“Better than the coral top?”

“Uhmmm… they both look good?” Tulip was being honest. Fashion was never her strong suit. She thought Grace had a figure that suited any type of clothing. Everyday, Grace would wear another outfit carefully coordinated to look glamourous yet understated, While Tulip wore yet another video game t-shirt under her light fall jacket. Which was the same as what she wore yesterday. And the day before that. 

“Yeah you’re right, I’ll get them both.” Grace went back into the changing room, and later emerged with all but one of the items she picked from the racks.

“Wow, that’s a lot of new clothes.” Tulip said. 

“Hey, you want anything?” Grace asked her. “It’s on me.” Again, Tulip was at a loss for what to say. She had no interest in the fashion style of this store, but she didn’t know if it would be rude to reject the offer. As they approached the cashiers, Tulip knew she couldn’t make a decision, and declined to buy anything. While they lined up, Grace also took some shades, a pack of socks, and a fabric headband from the displays next to the line. 

Tulip wondered after the fourth round of shopping if Grace was doing this to cope with something, but she felt it was rude to ask. She shouldn’t jump to conclusions about other people’s behaviour or reactions. The last time that happened, she agonized over Grace’s response to her Train confession, which in hindsight really wasn’t a big deal. 

They ambled through the mall, and happened to pass by a tabletop game store. “I think I’ll go in there for a bit. Do you mind?” Tulip asked. The smile on Grace’s lips faltered for the briefest moment when she saw the store, but returned before Tulip could pick up on it. 

“No, of course not. You were super patient with me earlier.” Grace said, gesturing to all her bags. Tulip put her hands up to indicate it was no big deal.

“I’m used to it. I go shopping with my mom all the time. At least you didn’t insist on getting clothes for me.” Tulip stopped herself. “Sorry for prying but were you upset earlier because of something with your parents?” 

“No,” Grace’s smile faltered again. “It’s other stuff.”

They entered. Tulip’s eyes lit up like a child in a candy store. “Oh! We played this at the board game cafe the other day!” She pointed at a square box with a beautiful illustration on it. “The mechanics are pretty simple to pick up. We should try it some time!” She then ran down another aisle, and another. She took one box from the shelf. Its design had two dark silhouettes of a man and a woman, dressed like spies. “Whoa, they have a Disney version, and a Marvel version too? Hmm, I think I just want to get the classic version.”

As Tulip browsed, Grace turned her attention to something else that caught her eye. At the top of the shelf was a wood carving kit. She stared at it, holding her breath. Going to the mall was nostalgic for Grace in a way that was markedly different from others. After all, she lived in what amounted to an abandoned shopping mall for many years. There were, of course, other feelings that came bundled with that nostalgia, entangled and impossible to separate. At this very moment, she was lost in them. 

“Grace?” Tulip was next to her again, holding two games in her hands. “You okay?” Grace realized how stiff her arms were, and she clenched her fists so hard her nails dug into her palms. 

“Oh, sorry. Just lost in thought.” Grace looked down at the board game. “You want to get those?” 

“Yep.” Tulip held up the box with the two spies on it. “Thought it was fun enough the other night that I wanted to get my own copy. Connie’s gonna be so impressed.” She then held up the other box. The cover art depicted an old train locomotive surrounded by people in Victorian or Edwardian clothing. “I’m getting this other one for ironic reasons.” Grace understood. 

“You ever gone to board game nights?” Tulip asked.

“Not really these days. I did in first year, but now I mostly just go to clubs and parties.” Grace replied. When she lived in the dorms she did attend some board game nights, but she felt there was some vulnerability you needed to possess in order to participate in tabletop games. Whereas the opposite was required for college parties. 

“That’s a shame. You can come with me the next time we have one! I mean, okay, there's going to be a lot of young people who can’t drink. But I promise we’re not lame.” 

“Yeah okay. I’ll come with you. I do miss destroying people in Cards Against Humanity. I have a very edgy sense of humour.” Grace said cheekily. Tulip looked at the aisle Grace was standing in. “Oh a ball and cup game. I used to have one of those. Hey, my dad might appreciate this wooden block puzzle. I should get it for him as a Christmas present.” Tulip did not notice Grace’s lapse in focus earlier, nor what caused it, which made Grace breathe a sigh of relief. 

As Tulip checked out her board games, the cashier spoke up. “Grace! It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” Grace turned to the cashier, shocked that someone who knew her was here. “Oh hey! It’s you!” Grace squinted at the cashier’s nametag. “Eleanor? Wow, it’s good to see you again!”

“You two know each other?” Tulip asked. The cashier nodded. She looked a couple years older than Tulip, but a bit younger than Grace. Her hair was dyed a brilliant shade of violet, and she wore the most immaculate eyeshadow that accentuated her deep blue eyes.

“Yep, Grace was in a few seminar courses with me in freshman year.” Eleanor explained with a smile. “And I lived down the hall from her back then.” She added with a wink, as a slight blush crept across her face. Then she leaned forward and whispered “She used to destroy people in Cards Against Humanity all the time, you know. And a certain other card game she doesn’t want people to know she was good at.”

“Ugh, don’t mention the other card game please. Anyway, we were both in the same seminar program that you’re in now, Tulip.” Grace explained. 

“Ah, you’re a mentor now. I think it suits you!” Eleanor said to Grace. She smiled mischievously. “I’m not surprised you didn’t recognize me right away. You know, new name, new pronouns.” Eleanor tapped a button on her shirt that said “she/her”. “Well, I guess we’ll catch up later. Don’t want to hold up the line.”

“It was nice seeing you again, Eleanor.” Grace said, her tone bubblier than usual.

“Likewise. Nice meeting you, Tulip. You’ve got great taste in games.” She waved good-bye to the two of them. Tulip noticed Grace’s dour mood had vanished, and it was all because she randomly bumped into Eleanor. “A friend of yours?” She asked. 

“Hm yeah. Uh...so it’s kinda awkward. Back in freshman year, we almost dated? But she said back then she needed to figure herself out first. I didn’t really get what she meant back then, but now I understand. I mean, I needed to figure my shit out too, but you know, not in the same way.” Grace admitted. 

“Maybe you guys should date now.” Tulip said. Then she caught herself. “Ah fuck, I’m sorry that was inappropriate.” Grace let out an awkward laugh. “Who knows? Maybe.” For once, Grace seemed genuinely happy. 

 

“Should we watch a movie?” Tulip asked. They had arrived at the theatre complex, counting on them being emptier during a weekday matinee showing.

“I dunno. What’s on right now?” Grace looked at the screen that displayed movies along with their showings. None of them really appealed to her.

Tulip pointed at a poster depicting a rock star. “Bohemian Rhapsody?” 

“Already saw it last week with some friends.” Grace replied.

“Was it any good?”

“I thought it was pretty good. Twitter hated it though.”

“Really?”

“Well, Twitter hates pretty much every popular movie,” she said with a shrug. “and also just most things in general.” Tulip nodded in agreement.

“They have good memes at least.” Tulip noted. She scanned the list of movies again, hand on her chin. “Well it looks like there’s not really anything else on. I guess the Fantastic Beasts sequel comes out this Friday? I dunno, the first one was pretty bad, and this next one is mired in controversy.”

Grace grimaced at the poster for the film. Harry Potter was another one of her childhood interests banned by her parents, who claimed it promoted witchcraft and devil worship. She also disappeared before the seventh and final book came out, which was something she always regretted. Even though she was able to finally finish the Harry Potter books and movies after she returned, she wished the franchise ended there. Anything else that came out since was of variable quality, mostly bad. It’s a shame the franchise ended up like this. Grace recalled swapping Harry Potter fan theories and speculating about the ending with Simon while still on the Train...

“Yeah, I just don’t even want to acknowledge Fantastic Beasts as existing, if I’m being perfectly honest.” Grace didn’t want to end the day on such a disappointing note. “Why don’t you come by my apartment? We'll watch something on TV instead.” 

 

Grace prayed that Tessa was out again as she unlocked the door to her apartment. They were greeted with silence, which was a good sign. Tessa liked to blast pop music whenever she was home. The place also looked quite tidy. It meant Tessa actually got her text about bringing someone over and cleaned her mountain of dirty laundry off the floor. Maybe her roommate thought Grace was bringing over a date. It didn’t really matter. At least the place was presentable to Tulip.

“Wow, you can afford to live in a place like this?” Tulip looked absolutely awestruck. Well, she had been awestruck since they arrived at the building. It was an older building but exceptionally well maintained, and in a good neighbourhood just next to the university. “Yep. Rich parents, remember?” Grace replied. She quickly ran to her room to drop off her new purchases. Tulip stood in the doorway, not sure if she should enter and sully the apartment with dirt from the outside world. 

“Come on, don’t just stand there.” Grace beckoned her in. “Come sit on the couch with me. Just remove your shoes first before entering.” Tulip took her shoes off and delicately placed them next to the shoe rack. Grace found that all quite endearing. Neither Grace nor her roommate were ever this careful with their designer label shoes. If Tulip just slid open the closet door in the hallway, or glanced in either of their rooms, she would not need to be so uptight. “Really, it’s fine. This place is usually a huge goddamn mess.”

Tulip tiptoed to the living room and sat down on the couch. Then she leaned back. “Whoa. This is the softest couch ever.” 

“Yeah, it’s actually mine. I moved it in from my old room.” Grace stated matter of factly. It was technically a sofa bed, in case her younger self ever wanted to host a sleepover. Of course, that never happened.

“I could just fall asleep like this.” Tulip muttered. She sank into the cushions, feeling pure bliss.

“Well, try to stay up.” Grace said. “I’ll grab us some snacks and drinks from the kitchen. Check the streaming apps and see if there’s anything you want to watch.” Tulip took the remote and turned on the TV. She chose the Netflix app because it was most recently open. She searched through the films tab, then the shows tab. She even checked the stand-up comedy tab. Nothing really spoke to her. She turned the TV off. 

“Eh, I dunno. Let’s just talk.” Tulip fidgeted while thinking of something to say. She looked over to the kitchen. Grace was preheating the oven, and preparing some pigs in a blanket. She opened the fridge and reached over for a beer before hesitating, and grabbed two fancy soda cans instead. Tulip took a deep breath. She needed to know.

“Hey you don’t have to talk about this, if you don’t want to...” Tulip started. She contemplated just dropping the topic altogether, but her curiosity got the better of her. “When you ran away, where did you go?”

Grace took a moment to respond. She crossed her arms, placed a hand on her chin, looked off into the distance, glanced at her wrist, and then crossed her arms again. “It’s hard to describe, I suppose it was like some sort of commune.” 

Tulip nodded. That made sense, because Grace did not have internet access while she was missing, and she was quite self-sufficient for a college girl with rich parents. 

“So there were others there? What were they like?” The oven finished preheating. Grace loaded it with the pigs in a blanket, and set a kitchen timer. She took the cans of soda and returned to the couch.

“There were...all sorts of people. They never really explained anything to you. I guess you just sort of had to figure out what to do, and where you belonged in their commune, on your own?” 

“Were there any other kids?” Tulip asked. Grace had a faraway look in her eyes. “Oh yeah, lots of kids from all sorts of backgrounds. We all had to help each other out. Life there was pretty rough, so we needed to take care of each other.”

“That’s cool.” Tulip sipped her soda. 

“Me and another kid my age, we were the oldest. So it fell on us to make sure the younger kids were safe when they had to go out exploring. And to make sure they had enough to eat. It was a lot to do, but I think I was pretty happy doing it.” Grace took a big gulp of her drink, and sighed. “I felt closer to those kids than anyone from before I ran away. I always had trouble making friends.”

That was something Tulip could relate to. “Yeah, me too.” She stared at her soda. Grace certainly knew a lot of people, but she had trouble opening up to them. It didn’t seem like it was because she didn’t want to; something else was stopping her. Tulip thought about Eleanor again. Grace said she never told anybody about her issues with her parents, and she supposed that included Eleanor. It must be hard for her to carry her emotional weights all on her own. Tulip wondered if the cause was whatever happened during her years at that commune.

“Why did you decide to return? Doesn’t sound like that commune was so bad.” Tulip asked. Grace stared ahead at their reflections in the blank TV screen.

“It was just my time to leave.” She answered.

Tulip got up. She needed to use the bathroom. Grace kept staring, thoughts overwhelming her brain. She thought about the trip to the mall, and all the little reminders of her previous life it held. Even after all these years, they followed her. Grace thought about unexpectedly running into Eleanor. She supposed that it was the first time she had ever stepped foot in something resembling a toy store in four years. Perhaps she would have caught up with Eleanor earlier if she didn’t actively avoid them. Grace wondered if she would be actually able to fully commit to dating someone. It was hard enough to form a friendship, such as with Tulip. But despite all the trust Tulip placed in her, Grace still couldn’t reveal the one part of her life that she was most ashamed of. How could someone like her possibly start a romantic relationship, if she couldn’t even be a good friend? 

“Ouch!” Grace heard Tulip yell from down the hall. She had tripped over something as she came out of the bathroom. “Why is this backpack here?” Shit. Grace ran to the hallway. Tulip saw a red notebook wrapped in a plastic bag fall out of the backpack. “Hey, what’s this?” Tulip picked up the notebook and glanced at the cover. 

“The Esmoroth Trilogy… Book One? Huh, interesting.”

“Don’t touch that!”  

“What?”

Grace ran over and snatched the notebook out of Tulip’s hands. Grace was panic-stricken, as if Tulip had just stumbled over incriminating evidence. Tulip froze, her hands still holding a book that wasn’t there. “S-sorry…” Tulip managed to utter.

From the kitchen, the timer started beeping. Grace held the book close to her chest, trying to hold back tears. “I...I should be more careful. I shouldn’t have just left that lying around.” She went into her room and slammed the door. Tulip raised her arm to knock, but then lowered it. She entered the kitchen, turned the timer off, and took the food out of the oven. After several minutes, Grace left her room and came back to the couch. She was the most miserable she had been all day. Tulip didn’t question it. She knew it must have been something to do with her past. It was fine, they should just enjoy the rest of their evening. Tulip turned on the TV and chose a stand-up comedy special to watch. After a few minutes, the two girls relaxed again, and slowly forgot the awkward moment that occurred earlier.

Tulip stifled a yawn as she walked out of her Intro to Proofs lecture. She stayed up all weekend working on her entry for the Game Jam hosted by the university’s Game Design Club. Whenever she closed her eyes, she could still see the faulty collision mapping she had spent the entirety of Sunday evening trying to fix. She’d be lying if she said she actually retained anything from the lecture. She may have to ask a classmate for notes later, as she was pretty sure hers were as unintelligible as other people’s undocumented code. Tulip’s phone buzzed. She opened her messaging app. It was Jesse. 

"Hey Tulip! My swim team made it to the nationals!”

“Whoa, congrats dude! That’s amazing!” Tulip replied. Usually, Jesse and Tulip’s direct message dynamic consisted of the two of them sending memes to each other. However, when Jesse had something to say, it was genuine, and without the seven layers of irony in which Lake cloaked her messages.

“Thank you! This means that I’ll actually be heading to your school to compete!" Jesse continued. “So that’s gonna be this Friday. You wanna catch up after that? I’m really interested in seeing your campus, and the Bay Area.” Tulip perked up as she read this. “Yeah for sure, I’m so down to meet up! I know a great pho place.”

“So Lake will be tagging along too. You know how she gets if we’re apart for even a few hours.” Tulip laughed to herself. That was Lake alright. As much as she tried to present herself as the cool ex-reflection who was better than the squishy humans around her, Lake was not as above-it-all as she thought she was. Especially when it came to Jesse. Wait a minute, Lake was tagging along?

“Hold on, won’t you two have to fly? How in hell is she going to get past airport security?” Jesse first replied with only a shrug emoji, but then clarified.

“Yeah I have no idea. Usually if she absolutely needed to blend in for anything official she could just put on a wig and makeup. She’s been getting really good at that, actually. She even started an Instagram page! However, I have no idea about the metal detectors or the full body scanner.”

“Well I don’t know about metal detectors, but I heard you can opt out of the scanner. It does mean you’re forced to get a really invasive pat down from a guard. Well, knowing Lake, I’m sure she’ll somehow pull this off without a hitch.” Jesse seemed to agree, and responded with a laughing emoji and a thumbs up. It was almost unbelievable the amount of things Lake managed to get away with on Earth, but at least it meant Tulip didn’t have to worry about them. If this all worked out, then this was going to be a great reunion. While her new college friends were great, sometimes it’s nice to see familiar faces. But Tulip did feel that some of her new friends could potentially get along really well with Jesse and Lake. 

“Hey, mind if I introduce you guys to some of my new college friends? They’re all nerds but I think they’re still pretty cool.”

“Sure.” Jesse replied. “I’ll bet they are if you felt comfortable telling them about your Train experience.” Oof. Tulip winced.

“Ah, that’s just one girl, I didn’t go and gather all my friends in a big circle and tell them all about the Train or anything.” 

“Well, you could. I actually did that with my friends. I guess it’s partly because I’m dating Lake and you already sort of need to explain why there’s a metal person that exists, haha.” Ah yes, Jesse was the earnest sentimental type. That sounded exactly like something he’d do with his friends. 

“Look, you guys could talk about Train stuff if you want to. I think we should maybe move past all that and just hang out and play board games.”

“Sure thing. See you Friday!” Jesse responded. That sounded like the end of that chat thread. Tulip closed her messaging app. Awesome, looks like her next weekend will be quite relaxing compared to the previous one. She just had to figure out who to invite to hang out with Jesse and Lake. Still extremely sleep deprived from her Game Jam, despite already having her morning coffee, Tulip headed back to her dorm for some much needed rest.

 

Tulip was at the usual place on Wednesday evenings, chatting with Connie. “Are you free this Friday evening? Some of my friends from out of town are coming over, and I thought we could all hang out together.” Connie frowned.

“Ah, sorry Tulip. The Astronomy Department is doing an outreach event, and I signed up to manage the lines for the observatory.”

“Ah okay, no problem.” Tulip was a little disappointed, but that typically happens when you have friends from other disciplines. School activities don’t always sync up in ideal ways. Apart from Connie, Tulip didn’t feel close enough to any of her other classmates to invite them, though.

“I hope you have fun catching up with your friends.” Connie thought for a moment. “Why don’t you ask if Grace is free?”

“Oh yeah.” Tulip scanned the room. It didn’t look like she was here today. Tulip whipped out her phone. “Hey, I missed you at the thing today.” After a few minutes, a reply came.

“Sorry, I’ve just been a bit busy this week. Will definitely show up next Wednesday for sure.”

“Are you busy on Friday though?” Tulip asked.

“I think I’ll be free Friday. What’s up?”

“Some of my friends are coming to visit from out of town. Thought maybe I’d introduce you guys to each other. Just a casual hang out in the evening.”

“Cool, I’ll be there.”

A brief pause, then another message. “You’re not still at the thing, right?”

“I’m still there, why?”

“Um okay, so if one of the mentors from your stream asks about me? Just pretend you don’t know me, okay?” It looked like Grace was offline now. Tulip wondered what that meant, but not for long.

“Hey, did you happen to see Grace around?” It must have been the mentor Grace mentioned. They’ve interacted in the past, but Tulip had never seen him in this state. He looked a little desperate, a far cry from the chill dude who got her to understand how Bell’s Inequality Test disproved hidden variables in quantum mechanics.

“Nope, haven’t seen her today, sorry.” Tulip didn’t feel comfortable pretending she didn’t know someone she had clearly spent a lot of time with. Also, it didn’t seem like that would fool this guy anyway. He had attended these things for as long as Tulip and Grace had.

“Right okay. Sorry to bother you.” He awkwardly stalked off. 

“Maybe there’s a hidden variable that determines when she shows up!” Tulip yelled after him, attempting to lighten the mood. It seems her joke wasn’t the mentor’s cup of tea, as he simply pretended he didn’t hear her. 

 

Grace checked her social media one more time before going to bed. Her eyes lit up when she saw the notification that Eleanor accepted her friend request. Eleanor had deleted her old Facebook account after their first year in college, so Grace needed to add her again. Grace quickly went to Eleanor’s page and heart-reacted all of her most recent posts. She then moved onto Eleanor’s Instagram page, and found another pleasant surprise. Her friend started an Instagram for her art too. Grace was completely blown away by how beautiful it was. Grace remembered Eleanor drawing all the time in class. Thinking back on her old illustrations made Grace feel a lightness in her heart, but she was even more impressed by how much Eleanor had improved. Grace thought back to her first year in college, when the two of them were in the seminar program. A lot was going on back then. Eleanor had confessed to having a crush on Grace, and while Grace did return the feelings, she waffled in deciding whether to start dating. Eventually Grace settled on rejecting her, and perhaps not in the best way. After that, Eleanor suddenly announced she was switching majors, and also needed to “figure herself out”. Grace blamed herself for ruining things between them, since she was far too deep in her own problems to be properly present for Eleanor. Although, it might have been for the best that they didn’t date back then. Grace never realized Eleanor was trans, and her past self was certainly not mature enough to handle Eleanor’s coming out. 

Grace would like to think that she was no longer the person she was two years ago. She certainly drank less, partied less, and focused more on her studies now. Though there were always moments when Grace would slip back into her old habits. Grace thought about taking on the mentor position that she held currently, and mentally kicked herself for her irresponsible behaviour. She only signed up because she knew she was excellent at mentoring young people. She had years of experience with that, both on Earth and otherwise. But here she was, ditching the Wednesday session again, not being there for the pupils in her stream, nor Tulip. She also should have gone to clear the air with that Chris guy. Grace sighed. If she was really going to move on and start a relationship with Eleanor, she needed to be committed. She needed to stop playing around with people’s feelings, and be honest with them. She looked over to her bed. Hidden underneath was an unassuming cardboard box that contained mementos from that part of her life. Including the notebook Tulip tripped over the other day. 

She looked back at her computer screen, at Eleanor’s illustrations. Eleanor was so much more authentic than Grace was, or perhaps could ever be. Grace wanted to send a private message to her, right now, to tell her how she really felt. But as she scrolled down her list of contacts, her eyes landed on Tulip’s name. Grace knew what she needed to do first. In order to really show she had changed, to become the person that Eleanor deserved, she first had to tell Tulip the truth.

 

Lake belly flopped onto the hotel’s bed with her full weight, making the frame squeak loudly. This startled Jesse, who was sitting on the other side of the bed, nervously checking his phone. 

“Gah! Easy Lake! We don’t want to ruin the bed. It’s gonna be a pretty awkward conversation to the hotel staff if we do.”

“Just let me relax, that flight was really uncomfortable.” Lake mumbled, her face deep in a pillow. “Besides,” she added, turning her head slightly to face Jesse. “Don’t you think this bed would be reinforced against that sort of thing happening? I’ve seen enough movies by now to know what happens in these hotel rooms.” Jesse blushed, then returned to staring at his phone anxiously. Lake smirked. She closed her eyes and let herself be still. It was the first airplane ride of her life outside being reflected in a plane window, or device screen. It was also one of the worst experiences she’s ever had.

Lake had a long day that began with dealing with airport security. With her best makeup and wig styling, she managed to convince the guards that the reason the metal detectors went off was because of her clothes. She incorporated lots of belts, chains, zippers, and rivets into her outfit. She even added some fake piercings to her face. She opted for a pat down instead of going through the full body scanner which, while the smarter decision, certainly wasn’t the most comfortable one. Especially since she had to conceal the Swiss Army knife permanently attached to her skin. Lake shuddered. The less she thought about that, the better. After somehow hoodwinking the TSA into believing she was just another human, and also not a security threat, there was the issue of the plane itself. Lake assumed that her sturdier body meant whatever ordinary humans considered uncomfortable would not be a problem for her. However, the way airplanes arranged their seats practically guaranteed anybody with a humanoid body could only sit in a strained, cramped manner. Aches and pains were inevitable, no matter how tough they were. 

Lake decided to check on Jesse again. He seemed anxious. Lake wondered what he was up to, still tapping away at that phone. Maybe he was checking the directions to the athletics center for the umpteenth time? Maybe it was the residual stress from watching her deal with all that crap at the airport? At any rate, it bothered her. Lake reached up, grabbed Jesse’s shirt collar, and pulled him down. His dark hair fell over his face in the most attractive way. Lake brushed it out of the way, then moved in close to kiss him. Jesse closed his eyes as their lips met, and for a moment was able to relax. But suddenly, he sat up again and started texting up a storm. 

"I need to make sure Nate’s gonna be okay with the two of us out of state.” He typed frantically, probably to check that his brother didn’t so much as get a single paper cut while they were gone.

“Dude, neither of us have lived at home for months. What difference does it make just because we’re not in Arizona right now?” Lake rotated onto her back and stretched. “Besides, Nate’s in high school, he can take care of himself.”

“Not being in Arizona makes a huge difference! What if there was an emergency? We’re hundreds of miles away!” 

Jesse was about to enter extreme panic mode. He was gesticulating wildly while he spoke, and then crossed his arms tightly with his teeth clenched. This was no good, Lake needed to take his mind off the stress. She sat up and flicked Jesse in the forehead. The shock to his system finally snapped him out of it. 

“Hey man, just don’t even worry about it. Think about how far you’ve made it. You’re gonna destroy those west coast losers tomorrow.”

“I don’t know, Lake.” Jesse said warily. “Californians are kind of known for being good at water sports.” Lake waved her hand dismissively at him.

“Pfft, yeah. But they never had to front crawl out of a reservoir with a metal person hanging onto them for dear life.” 

“And who’s fault was that?” Jesse countered. “I told you that part of the reservoir wasn’t for swimming in, and you just dove in anyway. You’re lucky that I was able to rescue you on time, and we didn’t get caught!” 

“Ugh, let’s not get into that. The point is that you’re an amazingly good swimmer. I know you’ll do great tomorrow, okay?” Lake patted him on the back, and then picked up both his hands. They were balled into fists, but she pried them open. She let him squeeze all his anxieties into her palms. 

“Then tomorrow evening, we’re gonna meet up with Tulip, and we’ll get to make fun of her and all her nerd friends from her nerd school.” Lake smiled mischievously, thinking of all the embarrassing incidents she could reveal to Tulip’s new friends. That was one upside being Tulip’s reflection: getting to ruin her life by showing how much dorkier Tulip was when no one was around. Jesse, meanwhile, loosened his grip on Lake’s hands slightly. Socializing with new people was something he actively enjoyed doing, and the prospect of it did put him a bit at ease. 

"Don't go too hard on her. If it wasn't for Tulip, I would never have met you." He smiled his sweet smile, and Lake just couldn’t resist. They kissed again. After a few seconds of bliss, Jesse got up.

“I need to go meet up with the rest of the team now. We have to get some last minute practice in. Do you want to walk with me to the athletics center, and then explore the campus on your own?” Lake gave this a bit of thought, and then fell back down on the bed.

“Nah, I’ll stay here and take a nap. Just come back when it’s time for dinner.”

“And you’ll work on that assignment you have due next week, right?” Lake grumbled and turned away from Jesse. 

“Sure whatever, Jesse’s dad.”

“Alright, take care of yourself.” He closed the door gently behind him. After a couple of minutes lying down, Lake got up and reached for her phone. She opened Tulip’s direct message on her app.

“This is Federal Agent Burt Macklin. We have detained your friend. Officers will arrive at your location in 15 minutes.”

“What the hell?”

“Haha, nah it’s just me.”

“I know.”

“You totally fell for it, didn’t you.”

“No.”

“I’m too slippery for the system. I’ll never be caught.”

“Great, I’m so happy for you. I need to finish like three assignments for tomorrow so please don’t bother me.”

 

Tulip woke up to her phone inundated with messages from Lake. She did not want to know what it could possibly be. Since Tulip spent all of last weekend at the Game Jam, she stayed up until 4AM completing assignments that were due today. Even though it was only 9:30 it still felt way too early for any of Lake’s bullshit. Well, better rip the band-aid off. She looked at the messages. Lake had sent Tulip several pictures of street art. That’s pretty cool, the city did have several fantastic murals. Lake probably would have brought her own spray paints, if she didn’t have to fly. Tulip moved on to the next couple of messages and immediately regretted it. Lake was angrily chastising Tulip for being unable to see Jesse compete today. Well, Tulip couldn’t help it if she had classes at the exact same time. That didn’t deserve a response. Instead, Tulip texted Jesse that she wished him the best of luck for today. Of course it was a shame she couldn’t be there, but Tulip felt that Jesse knew she was there for him in spirit. Maybe this wasn’t the right way to think about it, but since Lake was formerly her reflection, and Lake had the enthusiasm of more than two people combined, the fact that Lake was there basically meant that Tulip could be there too, in a way.

Tulip begrudgingly got out of bed and went over the day’s plan again. She had a few classes from late morning to mid-afternoon. Then, she would meet up with Grace in front of the science library as usual. They’d make their way to the athletics center on campus, and go to meet Jesse and Lake. Tulip’s plan was for her and Grace to show the two of them around the university, before heading out to the restaurant she picked out. After dinner, if they were still available, they could all try the board games she purchased. They could either hit up a board game cafe, or perhaps head to Lake and Jesse’s hotel room. They can’t really hang out in Tulip’s dorm, and she didn’t feel like going to the common area. Tulip also felt that it might be best to avoid Grace’s apartment, since she had a roommate. All in all, it sounded like a pretty solid plan. Tulip was really excited for her friends to all meet each other. It could get awkward if Jesse or Lake brought up the Train, though. Well, Lake’s entire existence was pretty awkward on its own. Tulip recalled Grace’s initial reaction to her story. While Grace had come around to mostly taking Tulip at her word, Tulip wasn’t sure if meeting another ex-passenger, and even an ex-denizen, would be too much for Grace.

As Tulip put her jacket on, she wondered if she could also visit the observatory and introduce Jesse and Lake to Connie. Tulip wasn’t sure if it was an intrusion on Connie, since she had invited her to this hang out. Or did she have an obligation to go, because the only reason Connie couldn’t go was her volunteering at the observatory? Friendship situations like these were far too tricky. Tulip also never talked about the Train with Connie, so there was even more explaining to do when it came to Lake. This seemed like too much. Tulip decided it would be best to formally introduce them another day. Tulip put on her shoes, and headed down for breakfast. At this time, she was pretty sure all the good food items were already gone, but that was fine. She could just ask the kitchen for some onions to snack on.

 

“I think we did pretty decently at the Game Jam, all things considered.” Tulip said. She and Grace were on their way from the library to the athletics center, taking the scenic route through a parkette in front of the arboretum.

“Really?”

“To tell you the truth, the artist on our team did most of the heavy lifting. The concept for our game was fairly simple, since you know, we had to make it in 48 hours. But the artist really pulled through with all of their assets. Made the game look far more polished than it actually was.” Tulip laughed uneasily.

“Oh, I’m sure your coding was great.” Grace reassured her. “Was the artist like a CalArts student or something?”

“No, actually.” Tulip replied. “Since the Game Jam is run by a student club at this school, only students who go here can enter.” A great artist who goes to this school? Grace could only think of Eleanor. Of course, it was most likely she was not the artist on Tulip’s team, otherwise Tulip would have mentioned it. It also sounded like the people that Tulip teamed up with were more like fellow classmates instead of close friends. This made Grace wonder what kind of people were the friends they were meeting today.

“So we’re going to the athletics center?” Grace asked.

“Yep. One of my friends is here for a swimming competition. I wish I could go cheer him on, but I had classes at the time. It’ll be over by now.” Tulip responded. Grace hadn’t exactly imagined that one of Tulip’s friends would be here for sports. Maybe a Model UN competition, or a scientific conference, but not sports. 

“Tell me a bit about your friends.”

“They’re both from Arizona. Jesse’s the swimmer, but he’s actually currently studying theatre.” Grace nodded. Now it made sense why they’re friends, as bad as that sounded. Tulip continued. “He’s a couple years older than me, so he’s in third year, like you. Lake, my other friend, is dating him and she’s…let’s just say she’s a lot. She just started college this year like me, and I don’t think she knows what to major in yet.”

“Cool.” Jesse from Arizona, huh. There was something vaguely familiar about that, but Grace chalked it up to Jesse being a super common name. Lake, on the other hand, was not a common name at all. “So, how did you first meet them, if they’re from Arizona?”

“It’s...kind of a long story. Hmm…” Tulip placed a hand on her chin. “I guess Lake is kind of like...a distant relative that I happened to grow up with? But eventually, she moved to Arizona and became friends with Jesse. So when I had the opportunity to see her again, that’s when I was introduced to him. To tell you the truth, I think I get along with Jesse far more than Lake, even though she’s technically family.” Tulip finished her explanation with an awkward smile. She didn’t really like lying, but she didn’t want to go into another embarrassing explanation about the Train. The time for that would come soon enough. 

“Okay…” Grace could tell Tulip was omitting something. Tulip wasn’t nearly as adept at bluffing as her. Well, her friends sound like quite the characters, so it made sense Tulip would be a little apprehensive about revealing too much about them.

“Look I’ll elaborate more when you meet them. I mean, they’ll be super happy to tell you all about themselves, actually.”

They continued walking. At some point, Tulip took out her phone, most likely to confirm that she was heading over. Grace decided to take the opportunity to log on to social media again. She had several alerts that Eleanor had reacted to her Facebook and Instagram posts. She even left Grace a comment on her most recent photo, complimenting her style, and another comment on a funny post Grace shared, relating to the experience portrayed in it. Grace decided to send a private message to Eleanor, telling how wonderful it was to have her back in her life. Grace sighed. It was hard to believe there was unresolved tension between them two years ago. 

“You seem happy.” Tulip remarked. Grace responded by humming cheerily. “Texting someone special?” Tulip asked in a teasing way.

“Well, I guess you could say that.” Grace smiled to herself. It might be a sign that things were looking up. Now that both her and Eleanor were in a more secure place, there was the possibility for something more. Maybe Grace could finally put her past behind her, after all these years. They turned the corner. Across the street was a bright, modern looking building next to the campus’s parking complex. The athletics center. 

“So, Tulip. Maybe after hanging out with your friends, we could talk privately?”

“Yeah, sure.” Tulip gave Grace a thumbs up. She then scanned the far side of the building. “Oh I think I see them!” Two people came out of the building’s entrance, but they were too far away to make out details. Tulip ran across the street as soon as the crosswalk signal turned. “Hey over here!” Grace ran after her, almost tripping on her heeled boots. 

As she approached, Grace stopped dead in her tracks. No way. It couldn’t be. One of the figures that stood near the doorway looked like they were made out of metal. Grace had only seen one other person like that. The Chrome Girl denizen from the Train. Now, this denizen was here, right in front of her, at her university. On Earth. How the fuck is she here? Grace looked at the figure next to her. He was a young man, with dark hair and olive skin. Even though he was older than the last time their paths crossed, he had the same haircut and same sunny disposition. Jesse, from Arizona. This was the worst coincidence in the world. These were Tulip’s friends? What kind of a cruel joke is this? There was a giant pit inside Grace’s stomach. She needed to get out of here. She wanted to grab Tulip and run far, far away. But there was no way she could do that without seeming suspicious. Grace was stuck. Tulip however, barreled forward, completely unaware. 

“You guys, it’s so good to see you again!” 

“Well well well, I almost didn’t recognize you after your full metamorphosis into a giant nerd.” The Chrome Girl declared loudly.

“Come on Lake. Tulip! Good to see you too!”

“Hey Jesse! Did your team win?”

“Well no, but I did break my own lap record. I’m pretty happy about that!”

The Chrome Girl, no, Lake, responded with something, but Grace couldn’t make it out. She couldn’t really hear what anyone was saying anymore, or even the sounds of the cars passing by, or even the rustling of the leaves. The only thing she could hear was the sound of her heart pounding in her ears. 

Tulip noticed Grace wasn’t beside her. She gestured to where Grace was standing, and they began walking over. Shit. Grace was at a loss for what to do. She was completely paralyzed. As the group approached, Lake was the first to recognize her. Lake’s expression went from smug self-satisfaction, to utter shock. She pointed a metal finger towards Grace.

“No fucking way. Is that who I think it is?” Jesse turned to Lake, confused.

“What do you mean?” Lake kept pointing, her expression growing angrier. 

“Oh my god, it is you isn’t it?” Tulip turned to Lake, getting annoyed. 

“Dude, what’s going on this time?” Tulip looked in the direction of Lake’s outstretched finger. 

“Lake, that’s my friend that I wanted to introduce to you guys.” Tulip walked over to stand by Grace’s side. Grace felt every muscle in her body tense. “This is Grace. Now stop being weird.” 

Suddenly, Lake grabbed Jesse’s arm and pulled him behind her. She spread her stance out and crouched slightly, as if preparing for a fight. Jesse looked on, growing increasingly worried.

“This is your friend, Tulip? This girl?! ” Lake’s tone was venomous, and filled with disgust.

“Uh, yeah what’s goin-”

“Tulip, step away from her.” Lake was mad. Really mad. “This person is the literal worst. Honestly, I’m surprised she even managed to get off the Train!”

Grace bristled at Lake’s mention of the Train. This was it, the moment everything came crashing down.

“What? Grace has never been on the Tr-”

“Yes she has! If she told you she hasn’t, then she lied to you! That’s how she operates. She lies and manipulates people.” Lake glared at Tulip. She grabbed Tulip by the shoulders, and pulled her in so that Tulip could better hear her explanation.

“She was the leader of this gang of kids on the Train. She told them that passengers were better than everyone else, that getting your number up as high as possible was a good thing. So she had those kids run around beating up denizens and wreaking havoc on cars.” Lake raised her right arm up, fist clenched. “Let me tell you something Tulip, she had a number all the way up to here. ” Lake pointed at the middle of her raised forearm. Tulip gasped and looked at Grace with a worried expression, incredulous the person in front of her was capable of doing such things. Grace swallowed and clutched her wrist on instinct. Tulip shook her head and stepped back from Lake.

"That’s bullshit! Grace has been nothing but a great mentor and friend to me since I started college. You don’t know her, Lake! You probably just confused her with someone else!” 

“No Tulip. What Lake said is true.” Jesse stepped forward. “When we met her on the Train, Grace seemed nice at first. She would put on this nice act to get you to be comfortable around her. She almost got me to join her gang. But I found out that if I were to join, then they would...then Lake would...”

“Then they would have killed me ! ” Lake spat out. She pushed Tulip out of the way and walked right up to Grace. Lake’s face was now inches from Grace’s, her cold metallic eyes seething with white hot rage. It struck Grace how much Lake and Tulip resembled each other. Chrome girl...Chrome Car...distant relative...reflection.  

“You thought I was worthless. That I was nothing. You tried to kill me, but it didn’t fucking work, did it?” Lake smirked. “I’m still around. I’m not even on the Train anymore. And you? Where’s your little gang now, your Apex? All those kids you brainwashed. Do you ever feel bad for what you’ve done to them? All those crimes you forced them to commit, for you ?” Grace tried to speak, but couldn’t find the words. She couldn’t defend her actions. She couldn’t defend herself. Lake was right. 

“Well?! What do you have to say for yourself?” Lake stormed off and returned to stand next to Jesse, still looking for a fight.

Tulip turned to Grace again. 

“Is this true?”

Grace stared at the ground. She couldn’t bear the sight of Tulip’s dejected expression, the hurt and the betrayal in her eyes.

“Grace, tell me. Were you on the Train?” 

“I...I...” she stammered. She couldn’t speak. She couldn’t breathe. It was happening again. It was all happening again.

“Please, just tell me.” Tulip moved forward, Grace moved back. “When you ran away as a kid, did you end up on the Train, like me?”

 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I lied…”

Grace’s vision blurred. The pounding in her ears was too loud. Her chest felt tight. She gasped for air. Everything was closing in on her. In the corner of her eye, she noticed the walk signal change. She ran towards it. She needed to get away from the athletics center, away from everyone. In the distance someone was shouting her name, but she kept running.

" Six-car train for Richmond in 9 minutes...”

Another train arrives. People board and people get off. The train leaves. Groups of young people rush off to their plans for Friday night, dressed in their best clothes. Parents try their best to handle their young children in such a crowded place. Couples hold hands and stroll along the platform leisurely. Eventually they all disappear. Another train arrives. People board and people get off. The train leaves.

“Ten-car train for Pittsburg/Bay Point in 5 minutes…”

On a bench dead in the middle of the platform sat Grace, headphones on her head blasting music, staring at her shoes. She didn’t know exactly when she arrived at the station, and she had no idea how long she’d been sitting there. She wasn’t sure why she chose this place, of all places to go to. Four years ago, even the sound of a distant train passing by would have set off a panic attack. And despite having lived in the Bay Area for two years now, she had never set foot on their rapid transit system. She felt the wind pick up again. This signaled the arrival of another train. Grace decided to take a look around this time. A girl who resembled Hazel caught her eye. She was wearing a light pink sweater with a matching pink headband, and jeans with sequins stitched on them. Grace watched her for a while, interacting happily with her parents and an older woman who must be a grandmother or an aunt. The family approached the train’s doors, which closed behind them. The train left, and the gust of wind blew debris around the now empty platform.

"Ten-car train for San Francisco Airport/Millbrae in 11 minutes…”

Grace looked down again. She...really needed a drink. Maybe she shouldn’t have driven herself to this station. She should have driven straight home instead to drown her sorrows. What was even the point of being here? She even paid the fare to get into the station just to sit here and be too scared to even board the train? She turned up the volume on her phone to drown out her heartbeat yet again. She had completely lost track of what song was even playing, all the music blended together into white noise. It was still better than having to listen to her own thoughts. 

“Is that an MP3 player?”

“Yeah, but the battery ran out a while ago.”

" Lucky. I wasn’t allowed to have MP3s or iPods or anything.”

" Wow, your parents really suck don’t they?”

“They do. So, what kind of songs are on it?”

“Mostly Green Day.”

“Oh my God, that’s such a white guy answer.”

" Hey!”

Before she knew it, she was crying again. She deeply regretted putting on makeup earlier that day. Well, it wasn’t like she could have seen these events coming. She was only prepared for a peaceful Friday meeting some of Tulip’s friends. What were the chances, really? Maybe it was karma catching up to her...

 

“Grace seemed nice at first…”

"She lies and manipulates people!”

“Is this true?”

“She had a number up to here!”

"Were you on the Train?”

“Do you ever feel bad for what you’ve done to them?”

“Please just tell me.”

 

Who was she kidding? It had to be karma. She deserved nothing less. Grace continued to sit unmoving on that bench in the middle of the platform. She waited for her playlist of songs to run its course. After what felt like eons, she decided enough was enough and prepared to stand up. But someone sat down beside her. She looked to her left, at the familiar green jacket. 

“Hey.” Tulip greeted her flatly, not bothering to look at her direction. Grace turned down the music in her headphones, but didn’t remove them, nor paused her music.

“I honestly didn’t expect to find you here, of all places.” She waited for a response. Grace continued to sit frozen like a statue.

“It took me a while, you didn’t respond to any of my texts. I figured you probably turned off your phone.” Tulip was correct in a sense, Grace did turn on airplane mode. They sat for another eternity, none of them spoke to the other. They both watched people come and go on the platform. Much less now that it was later in the evening. Eventually Tulip stood up and walked over to stand in front of Grace. She resisted the urge to look up at Tulip, she forced herself to keep staring at the space between her shoes. Her vision became blurry again. The minutes passed. Tulip couldn’t take it anymore. She grabbed Grace by the shoulders and looked her directly in the eye.

“Why did you lie to me?” The hair around her face was unkempt. Her green eyes were bloodshot and her face was bright pink. Tulip must have been crying for a while.

“Why? Why didn’t you just tell me the truth? I trusted you!”

Tulip’s sudden movements made Grace’s headphones slip off her head. They hung around her neck limply. She covered her face with her hands again, as she succumbed to her violent sobs. She knew it must have been an incredibly embarrassing sight for any curious onlookers. Here she was bawling like a child in front of a girl five years younger than her. 

“Because...y-you know why.” 

“Oh yeah? Then tell me! You should have told me on Halloween but you didn’t! You just let me believe that I was a psycho!” Tulip’s grip on her shoulders was unsteady, her whole body was shaking.

“I wanted to! I did!” It took Grace everything to say her words coherently without choking. “But I couldn’t. I-it was stupid…I didn’t…want you to find out…” She took a deep breath “Find out just how much...I fucked up…” Fucked up being a generous understatement...

“Well, now I know, Grace.”

“...Yeah…”

“Lake and Jesse told me everything.” Tulip sat down next to her again, put her head down and sighed. “I’m still processing it. I still…I still can’t really believe it. I’m just that naive and stupid I guess.” The wind picked up again, in the opposite direction. 

“Now that you know what a horrible person I am...” Grace trailed off, partly to collect her thoughts, and partly because another train was coming and they were astonishingly loud. They both waited for the train behind them to come to a stop. “Why are you still here?”

Tulip glanced at her for a second, then looked down again. “I guess, I want to hear your side of the story as well. It’s only fair, you know. To give you the benefit of the doubt.” The train behind them chimed, and left. Another rush of wind. Silence surrounded them, but that didn’t mean the station was empty. This place was far too public, and Grace didn’t want to wait for another train to pass. 

“I...don’t deserve this, Tulip.”

“I’ll be the judge of that once you tell me everything.” Everything. All of Grace’s memories flashed in her mind all at once. All of her mistakes screamed out at her, the Pandora’s box of her past called out to be open at last.

“I will. You deserve that much.” She finally turned to look at Tulip. She was sitting on the other side of the bench, just like on Halloween. But she wasn’t cocooned inside her sweater, she didn’t need to be anymore. “We need to get out of here. Wanna head to my car?” Grace got up and walked over to Tulip. She extended her hand. Tulip looked at Grace’s outstretched hand with antipathy. Then she stood up and walked towards the stairs leading to the parking lot. “Sure.”

 

--------

 

Two familiar figures were waiting for them next to the exit to the parking lot. “Took you long enough.” It was Lake and Jesse. Lake’s demeanor was aggravated as usual. Jesse simply looked worried. Tulip crossed the turnstile to the other side, but Grace stopped right in front of it. She looked down at her crossed arms.

“So they came along with you?” 

“Yeah.” Tulip placed her hands on her hips. “They’re here to make sure you don’t lie to me anymore.” 

Grace’s expression turned exasperated. “They only knew me for a day. That’s hardly gonna work.” 

“Nah, we’re not that stupid, Grace.” Lake walked over to the turnstiles. “We’re here so we can call you out if we smell that you’re up to no good.” She grabbed Grace by the forearm and dragged her through the turnstile. “So don’t try to smooth talk Tulip. Or you’ll regret it.” 

“Uh, guys?” Jesse spoke up and pointed to the far corner. The three of them turned to look in that direction. A security guard was heading their way. “We should get going.” Grace managed to pull her hand away from Lake’s grasp. The two of them had a brief stare-down. 

“Fine. Let’s all go to my car. But don’t fucking touch me again.”

 

“So when you ran away from your parents twelve years ago, you ended up on the Train right?” It might as well be a rhetorical question. Where else would Grace have gone that would have no internet connection, and would have left no trace of her on Earth? They were all sitting inside Grace’s car, which was one of those expensive cars with a rather toned down look that didn’t exactly scream “luxury car”. Grace sat in the driver’s seat and Tulip took the seat next to her, expression still stern. Lake and Jesse took the backseats.

“Well, now I don’t even know if running away is even the correct way to describe it.” She tapped her finger against the door panel. “My parents were extremely strict, and never showed me any affection even when I did everything they expected of me. So I thought that I could get their attention by doing something bad. So, I shoplifted. I got caught. While I was sitting in the police station, the Train showed up.” 

“You became a Train passenger because you shoplifted?” Lake laughed. “This is just too much.” Tulip turned around and gave Lake an irate look. “Not helping, Lake.” Grace ignored them and continued.

“At the time, it didn’t even look like a train, it was like some sort of fancy carriage you’d see at Disneyland. Guess I should have questioned why a carriage just randomly appeared in front of me, oh well...” 

“How does that work? How does it look that different?” Tulip asked. This piqued her curiosity. The Train could change how it appeared to different people? It almost seemed like the Train was predatory in the way it lured in passengers. 

“I think we’re losing focus here.” Jesse said. “We still need Grace to tell us everything that happened in her own words. Truthfully.”

“Alright, fine. So you ended up on the Train when you were twelve. But then somehow you stayed there for eight years?”

“Well, I didn’t plan to! Come on Tulip, you were around the same age I was when you ended up as a passenger. You must understand how confusing it all was, being whisked away to another world, no explanation, and no way to get home.” Grace was right about that, and Tulip had confessed that herself almost a month ago. She nodded curtly. Tulip did board before One-One introduced the instructional videos for passengers that would make their transition into life on-board the Train much less confusing, as well as explaining how numbers worked. Speaking of numbers…

“Lake said you had a...really high number.” Grace instinctively clutched her wrist again. She could feel Lake and Jesse in the back watching her. “I did.” 

“So, it wasn’t always that high, right?”

“No. I think I started with something in the hundreds.”

“How did it get that high?” Tulip subconsciously glanced at her palm as she asked this question. Grace sighed and gripped the steering wheel with both hands.

“It’s a long story.” She searched for where to even begin. It had been so long she had pretty much forgotten almost all of the unimportant events from her first year aboard the Train. She had even forgotten who her original denizen was, if she even had one, but there was one moment Grace would never forget.

“One day, I ran into Amelia.” Tulip sat up. She finally looked in Grace’s direction. “You ran into Amelia ?” Tulip was halfway between incredulity and fury. “We should have had this conversation on Halloween! What the fuck?” She then took a deep breath to calm herself down. She needed to control her reactions if she was going to get to the end of Grace’s explanation. 

“Who’s Amelia again?” Lake asked. 

“The False Conductor, remember?” Tulip responded.

“Oh yeah, that bitch.” 

“At the time, I didn’t even know she had a name, or that she was a woman. I didn’t find out that she called herself the Conductor until later on, but I figured she must be someone important, and in charge. Her mech pod thing just appeared out of nowhere, wrecked up the Car I was in, and she took an orb with her. That’s when I saw her for the first time, I guess. The pod thing opened up and I saw her outstretched arm, covered in glowing digits.” Grace steadied herself as she noticed she started shaking. “Then she disappeared just as suddenly. I guess it really left an impression on me. Even though...it was the wrong impression.” 

Grace turned to Tulip, her dark brown eyes pleading. “If you believed that the Conductor had the highest number, then wouldn’t you start to associate higher numbers with being in control? And as a kid, lost and afraid in a dangerous environment, wouldn’t you want to have more control? And want to raise your own number?” Tulip stopped to consider this. She couldn’t help but wonder if she had seen Amelia’s number before fully figuring out how the system worked, what conclusions she may have come to. 

“Wait, you said that was the first time you ran into Amelia. So you met her again?” 

“Yeah, I’ll get to it.” Grace said. Her expression became sullen as she looked off into the distance. “I’ll get to it.” Tulip was insanely curious, but she needed to know more about the gang -  or considering how Jesse described it, perhaps cult would be a more appropriate word - that Grace led. “So, the Apex. The gang of kids you led...that was the ‘commune’ you told me about?”

“Something like that.” Grace said.

“Seems like they were already a big deal when we met Grace on the Train.” Jesse stated. “I think that was already a few months after you had already left, Tulip.”

“Yep. We had been operating for a couple of years by then, at least I think it was.” Grace confirmed. “Keeping track of time on the Train is pretty hard.” 

Tulip paused to think to herself, probably working out the timeline. “You know it’s odd we never met there. I mean, I met the Cat, and Jesse noticed that she seemed to know you. At least, the Cat was really mad that you infiltrated her amusement park.” Grace’s eyes narrowed at the mention of the Cat. She squeezed the steering wheel so hard her knuckles could have stabbed someone’s eye out. She took a deep breath and let go of the steering wheel, opting to simply ball her hands into fists instead. “Yeah, funny how life works out like that, I guess.”

“How did you find out about the Apex?” Tulip asked. “Did they always have the wrong impression about numbers and denizens?”

“Well I uh, sort of formed the Apex, along with its flawed ideology. But that was years after I boarded the Train, when we had more resources.” Tulip hadn’t expected that. She had sort of assumed that what Grace told her about her “commune” was mostly true except for the part where it was actually on the Train. She turned to her friends in the back to see their reactions. Lake looked quite satisfied with herself while Jesse looked a little embarrassed. Earlier they disagreed on whether Grace had founded the Apex herself, which both Tulip and Jesse doubted.

“Wow, okay. Thank you for your honesty.” Tulip looked deflated, staring into her hands as she processed everything. Lake smirked.

“It’s not everyday that someone admits to founding a murder cult for children is it Tulip?” Grace winced at Lake’s comment. She turned to look at Tulip, riddled with guilt.

“Okay, I know I shouldn’t be defending the Apex at all, but we only formed it because we wanted to look out for other vulnerable kids on the Train.” Tulip considered this for a moment. In the back, she heard Lake groan. Jesse whispered something to her which Tulip couldn’t make out. 

“You’re right, joining a group of other humans who have access to better resources is a good thing. But you do realize that your requirement for membership included… ’ separating ’ the kids from the denizens traveling with them?” Tulip used air quotes to emphasize the euphemism, but she was still unsure if Lake was exaggerating her claims that the Apex tried to kill her. “That’s pretty shitty. Especially since the entire point of denizens is that they’re supposed to help you on your journey through the Train.” At that, Grace’s expression turned sour. 

“If what you say is true then how come I never ran into a friendly one? And I mean, you’ve met the Cat. She nearly fucked you over twice. You think denizens like her are worth defending?” Tulip looked aside. It was true, there were quite a lot of denizens that only served as obstacles, or worse, are actively antagonistic. Along with the other dangers that were already present on the Train, it would take a lot to put your trust in someone else, especially if that someone wasn’t even human.

“Hey, what about me?” Lake asked. “I’m friendly.” Jesse coughed. 

“That’s debatable.” Lake jabbed him in the ribs.

“Hey whose side are you on anyway, Jesse?”

“Well look. I think we can all agree on something, Grace.” he said. “Your Apex idea could have been genuinely a good thing on the Train if you didn’t treat denizens like garbage.” He scratched his head and looked to the side “And also if you didn’t worship the False Conductor, I guess.”

Grace sighed. “I will be the first to admit that we made a lot of mistakes. That being one of the major ones...But in the end we only wanted to give the other kids a better life on the Train than we had. We had to fight for everything. There were days when we had nothing to eat. If we injured ourselves, no one would treat us; it wasn’t like there was a Hospital Car you can go to. Trust me, I tried to look for one. We didn’t want that life for anyone else, and since we didn’t know how to leave the Train, we figured at least we’d create a group that can be there for kids like us. So that was the driving force behind the Apex. You can at least understand that, right?” Grace waited for a response from Tulip, but Tulip kept quiet. Grace knew what she was about to say, and what anyone was going to say.

“Whatever my intentions were, I know the result was fucked up. Beyond fucked up. And I know it doesn’t mean much, but I am sorry for everything I did.” She turned to Jesse. “At the time, I wanted to recruit you because we felt like we’d need another older kid to handle some of the burdens of our operations. I’m sorry we deceived you like that Jesse. You were smart for not buying into it. You knew better than us.” 

Grace then turned to look at Lake. “I’m really, really sorry, Lake. For everything. I understand if you can never forgive me. I don’t deserve your forgiveness after the way I treated you. It was another fuck-up on top of my mountain of mistakes. You and Jesse were just caught up in the fallout of my selfish delusional decisions. I’m so sorry.” Grace took a few shaky breaths as she turned her gaze downwards, eyes glistening. “Look, if it matters to any of you, before I left the Train I reformed the Apex, and made sure that every kid managed to earn their exit before me. It was the least I could do for them.”

There was a long silence. Lake had no idea how to respond to that. She was surprised that Grace would even address her in such an apologetic way. She wondered how sincere it was, or if it was still an act that Grace was putting on. Lake still had her doubts, but Grace seemed sincere enough. 

“Okay. Well, I understand better now, I guess. That’s enough for me.” There was another lull in conversation. After Grace’s apology it seemed no one had anything left to say. The temperature slowly dropped. Lake idly checked her phone. “Holy shit, it’s really late. I think we should get back to the hotel.”

“Really? That’s it?” Tulip was beside herself with annoyance. “That’s all you needed? Are you for real? You made a huge deal about Grace being the worst, and how we shouldn’t be friends. Then she just apologizes to you and you’re fine ?” Jesse was extremely embarrassed now.  He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. Even Grace seemed surprised at Lake’s reaction.

“Uh no. I wouldn’t say I’m fine. I don’t actually know if I’m gonna end up forgiving her, and I still think you have bad taste in the company you keep. I just think that at least her apology seemed genuine and, well,” she shrugged her shoulders, “now I’m too tired to care.”

“Lake! ” 

“Hey Grace, can you give us a ride? I mean I would take the transit but I don’t wanna get heckled by some drunk guy. You know how it is.” Lake leaned back in her seat and folded her arms behind her head. A car passed behind them, and the headlights reflected off Lake’s expressionless face onto the walls of Grace’s car. 

“Consider it a favour for us. It’s the least you could do for being a giant bitch to us earlier in your life.” Lake added, with a yawn.

Grace turned back to face the front. She placed her hands on the wheel, exhaling in relief.

“Just give me the address.”

 

They were on their way back to the university campus, after having dropped off Lake and Jesse at the hotel they were staying at. However, Tulip still felt unsettled, not quite satisfied with Grace’s story. 

“Hey Grace? Who’s ‘we’?” 

“Pardon?”

“You kept using ‘we’ back when you were talking about the Apex, like when you were talking about why you formed it… So who’s ‘we’?” Grace stopped at the intersection. She made a right turn, away from the campus. She drove into a residential area, and came to a stop in the parking lot of a city park. She stared straight ahead into the windshield. It was quite dark out. The parking lot was lit by only a few streetlamps and the park itself had no light. In the distance, she could make out a car driving among the houses. She could also see a transit line along the horizon. 

“Uh Grace? What are we doing here?” Tulip was really nervous now. They were in the middle of nowhere. She was starting to think maybe Grace really did have a murder cult. But when she looked at Grace, there were tears streaming down her face. Tulip kicked herself for jumping to conclusions. 

“Is everything okay?” At Tulip’s words, Grace suddenly saw herself in the reflection of her windshield. She saw her tears, and quickly wiped them with her sleeve. 

“Tulip, I did promise to tell you the whole truth. So I will.” She took a deep breath to steady herself.

 

“Years before all of this Apex bullshit, I came across another kid on the Train, Simon. He was abandoned by his denizen, and got cornered by a Ghom.” 

“He was abandoned? But how?” Tulip asked incredulously.

“He was traveling with the Cat. That’s how.” 

“...Right.”

“Somehow, I managed to save him from that Ghom. And after that, we became friends.” Grace could feel her eyes getting wet. She tilted her head and closed her eyes. “He was the first real friend I ever had.”

“We made a promise to look after each other, because it seemed no one else would. I told him things that I’ve never told anyone else. I trusted him with my life. For so many years, it was just the two of us versus the Train. We would try to find the Conductor - well who we thought was the Conductor - because we thought that maybe they would see how strong we were, how high we got our numbers to be, and let us off the Train.” Grace sighed. She rested her elbows against the steering wheel, put her head down into her arms, and laughed. “Honestly this is all so fucking stupid looking back on it now. What the fuck were we even thinking?”

“After what happened to him, he found it incredibly hard to trust any denizens we came across. And also, well if you messed with denizens, it was the easiest way to get your number up. Eventually, we just...didn’t even consider them people. I decided to call them ‘nulls’, because they were nothing to us.” Tulip shuddered at that word. She remembered Lake saying that was a term the Apex called her. All the pieces were falling into place. “Was what Lake said true? Have you ever...killed denizens? Or was she just exaggerating?”

A heavy silence hung in the air.

“Yes. We did.” 

Tulip bristled and leaned back in her seat. It was instinct, but she could see that it made Grace turn away in shame. Tulip didn’t know what to do.

“Just...keep going.”

“One day we came across the Mall Car. It was everything that two troublemaking teens could ever want. So we trashed it. We drove all the denizens out and made it our base. You know, I think some of my best memories were just the two of us living it up in there, our own personal teenage wasteland. I think maybe that was...honestly the last time I was truly happy in my life. Even though I had strung this other guy along in my delusions of grandeur and we were basically just causing chaos for the sake of it. Fuck, we did so much worse than just cause chaos…Isn’t that just such a pathetic thing to admit?” Grace had a wistful, almost bittersweet expression. 

 “Eventually other kids came across the Mall Car, and there was more than enough food, supplies, and clothing to go around. So that’s when I got the idea to form the Apex. I don’t think Simon liked the idea at first. He called it a glorified daycare until I let him add more ‘structure’ to it. Just stuff he picked up from his time in the Scouts. But still, the Apex operations were always a point of contention between us. I don’t really remember us having any arguments until the Apex started. Maybe all that time we spent together made him grow a little too attached to me. Probably should have seen that coming.” Grace paused after this and stared into the distance, unblinking. “Man, was that when we started drifting apart? I didn’t even realize…” Grace said the last part more to herself than to Tulip.

“Grace, how old were these kids you recruited?”

“Most of them were younger than ten when they joined.”

“Did you have a vague idea of exactly when the first kids joined? Like what year?”

“I think one of the earlier kids had a tablet that still worked. It was late 2011 I think. Hmm, at the time I thought it was so weird that kids had technology like that. I’m used to it now though.” 

“So, you do realize that those kids could’ve left the Train earlier if they never-”

Yes I know, okay? If I didn’t tell them to join the Apex then they might not have had to stay on the Train that long. You think I don’t regret that every single day of my fucking life?” Grace sighed. “One of my many, many regrets…”

Tulip tried to recall the news back in 2014. A string of missing persons cases for children were suddenly resolved when they all returned home safe and sound. And that was followed by an ex-diplomat’s long lost daughter returning home as well. A bizarre string of coincidences was what the media chalked it up to be. 

“That brings me to my next question. How did you eventually leave the Train? If my math is correct, You managed to leave only a few months after Jesse did.”

“Well, I had to find out that I was wrong about literally everything first.” Grace said. “And also lose everyone that ever mattered to me.” She raised her head up and looked at Tulip again. “This was when I crossed paths with Amelia again.”

 

---------

 

“Wait wait wait, so Hazel isn’t truly a denizen? Or she is, but just...created by Amelia? Or is she some sort of human-denizen hybrid?” Tulip was extremely confused. Everything Grace just told her was overwhelming her mind. She clutched her head and groaned in frustration. There was so much that Tulip didn’t know, that she didn’t even realize she had that gap in knowledge. Unknown unknowns, or whatever. Tulip tried to lean back again, but she had the courtesy to put her seat back into an upright position when Grace got into the final stretch of recounting her journey. There was only so much comfort to be gained from sitting back in a cramped car seat.

“I don’t know, Tulip. I really don’t know. It doesn’t matter what she was in the end. All I know is that I really let her down.” Grace was looking out the window on the driver’s side again, staring past her own reflection. “Sometimes I wish I had never met her, you know? I’d be a worse off person, and I might still be on the Train to this day, but at least she’d get to be happy...”

“Do you…” Tulip shouldn’t ask this, seeing Grace in such a pitiful state, but the gears in her mind were spinning out of control, and she needed to know. “Do you think the Train might have put Hazel in your path because it realized she was the only way you could get better?” Grace let out a world-weary sigh.

“I used to ask myself that all the time. Was it just another sad coincidence in a series of sad coincidences? Or did the powers that be on the Train, some unseen algorithm no one can comprehend, just calculate that the two of us meeting Hazel and Tuba would be the most efficient way to knock some goddamn sense into us?”

“I just really hope it wasn’t the latter, because it didn’t even fucking work as intended. I mean, the whole thing with Hazel just drove a wedge between me and Simon, and he never...he just-” Grace stopped herself to stifle a sob.

“And it would mean that the Train just saw Hazel as a fucking pawn to use towards our own path to self-improvement. How fucking bleak would that have been? I dunno, I just can’t accept that. Because sure, Hazel succeeded in making me grow as a person, whatever the hell that even means. But in the process of my ‘self-actualization’? I ruined her fucking life. Was that necessary?” Grace covered her face with her hands yet again, and tried to even out her breathing. It was clear that Lake’s accusation that Grace did not care about any denizen ever was wrong. Even if Hazel isn’t fully a denizen, she wasn’t exactly human, and yet Grace misses her even to this day. It seemed to Tulip that Grace cared about Hazel as much as she did for every human child in the Apex.

“So as stupid as it sounds, I have to believe it was my own fault. If I made different decisions, none of it would have ever happened, none of it. I can’t fathom a world in which cruelty like that is predetermined.” 

Tulip always assumed that the Train, even as a cold and enigmatic machine, still operated in the best interest of each passenger. She assumed the parts of her journey where things went wrong were just because of Amelia’s meddling. When she compared how Jesse’s journey was to her own, it seemed he had a much more straightforward path, aside from the little hiccup where he went back to get Lake out. Tulip chalked it up to having restored One-One to his rightful position as the Conductor, but that just raises the question of how much did One-One care in the end? When Tulip first discussed Lake’s situation with Jesse, he believed that Lake being allowed off the Train was proof that the Train, or One-One, or whoever was really in charge did actually care about the well-being of denizens. But Lake had her doubts, and Tulip did as well. Hearing Grace talk about her experiences with Hazel, it seemed that perhaps the Train didn’t care about denizens beyond what they could do for passengers. In that sense, perhaps the Apex’s twisted philosophy had a kernel of truth to it. After all, it was easy to see denizens as nothing, as “nulls”, if the Train itself did.

“Hey I know saying this won’t make you change your mind, but I do think that situation was out of your control.” Tulip searched for the right words to say. “And even if part of it was your fault, it doesn’t mean that you should make it out to be entirely your fault. Sometimes things are way too complicated. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

“Yeah. I know.” 

“I think you did the right thing in the end. Letting her choose to go with Amelia.”

“Sure Tulip, I made one good choice after an endless series of bad choices. What an amazing thing I did…”

“Well after you figured out the truth, the two of you went back to the Apex and you reformed them. You helped those kids get back home to their loved ones, all of them. That’s an admirable thing, right?” Grace fell silent. She also seemed as still as a statue.  “You did say you made sure every kid got back home earlier, didn’t you?” Grace began to tremble, starting from her shoulders, and then moving to her chest, her head, and the rest of her body. Tears fell onto her lap.

“...Grace?”

“Sure, every kid… every kid ex… except…”

Grace curled in on herself as she cried. She didn’t want to relive those moments. After all these years, she still couldn’t find the strength to face them. She didn’t have the strength to carry the weight of all of her mistakes. There were far too many. Every fiber of her being felt like static. Being forced to confront what happened would be like trapping herself in her tapes again. 

Tulip couldn’t help but feel sympathy for Grace. She knew that Grace had hurt her friends, she had hurt a lot of people on the Train. But Tulip couldn’t find it in herself to hate her. She reached a hand over to touch Grace’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry. It must have been hard, and unfair.” 

“You don’t have to talk about it.” 

 “Whatever happened, you’re not a bad person.” 

 

“NO!” Grace was suddenly shouting. “Do not say that!” She finally unfurled herself. “It never should have been this way! He could have left the Train if it wasn’t for me, and my stupid lie! He wouldn’t have… he wouldn’t have…” She was hyperventilating.

“After Hazel left us, he just got worse and worse… he couldn’t believe the truth. He refused to believe it. He deluded himself to the point of no return. He trapped me inside my tapes. I didn’t know how long I was gone, but when I got back to the Apex… I-I’ve never seen a number so high. I watched it slowly cover his entire body…”

“We fought. I tried to save him. I did save him, but...”

“But he tried to kill me. And then...”

“And then the Ghom…”

   

Grace pounded her fists on the steering wheel before collapsing onto it. Her grief choked her with every breath she took. There was nothing left to say after that. The minutes slowly passed. Eventually, she ran out of tears to cry. She checked the time on the dashboard. 

“It’s late. We better get you back to your dorm.” She turned the keys in the ignition, and shifted gears in the car. She slowly backed out of the parking spot.

“I know I should hate him for what he did. But I can’t. Because I was ultimately responsible for how he turned out. And after all this time, I still love him. I really do.” The car slowly made its way out of the parking lot and onto the road. There was hardly any traffic at this time of night. They turned onto the street that wound its way back to campus. There were no other sounds save the hum of the car on the road, and the slight whoosh of air from the heater. 

“That notebook I had. It was his. He wanted to write a novel. A trilogy, actually. He never finished. And now, it’s the only thing I have left to remember him.” 

They turned from the street onto a campus road, and eventually Tulip’s dorm appeared in front of them. Before Tulip bid her farewell for the night, Grace said one final thing. “It was his birthday three weeks ago, he would have turned 23.”

Tulip lay awake staring at the ceiling. It had only been two months, but she had grown accustomed to the sight of that ceiling. Tonight however, it was unfamiliar to her again. She tried to shut her eyes, but every time she did she could feel it again. The motion of the Train as it moved beneath her. It was nauseating. Tulip sat up. Out of habit she reached for her phone, but stopped herself. She didn’t want to know the time, because that would only make her insomnia worse. She couldn’t wrap her head around it. Someone died aboard the Train. She knew it was theoretically possible, and perhaps it happened all the time. But hearing about it from someone she knew, that was different. She thought back to how Grace described her friend’s final moments. It didn’t make sense to her at all. Or perhaps it made perfect sense?

Tulip shook her head. She couldn’t rationalize her way out of it. And besides, during her confession, Grace wasn’t in a state of mind to perfectly recount every detail of her friend’s gruesome death. No matter what happened, it was a tragedy. Grace’s entire life was just one big tragedy. Perhaps some of her own doing, but mostly just out of circumstance. Tulip knew Grace wouldn’t believe that; she blamed herself for all of it. No wonder Grace was always so guarded with everyone around her, despite seeming so outgoing. Earlier, Tulip was angry that Grace lied to her, and of course she had every right to be. But now, she couldn’t make herself angry even if she tried. Yes, Grace lied to protect herself instead of supporting Tulip in her time of vulnerability, but she now had the context to understand why. Grace didn’t want anyone else to bear her burdens for her. Maybe it was Grace’s way of punishing herself for her actions on the Train.

“Let’s be there for each other, okay?”

Tulip laughed dryly to herself. Neither of them had actually truly “been there” for the other, had they? In order to “be there for each other”, first there needed to be mutual understanding. What does that mean for their friendship anyway? She thought about the time they spent together these last two months. Tulip and Grace only reached that mutual understanding a few hours ago. She wondered if that ever could have happened without Jesse and Lake there as a catalyst. If not, that would mean Grace would never have told her the truth herself. That wouldn’t be a good basis for a friendship. Tulip tucked her legs close to her chest and looked up at that familiar but unfamiliar ceiling.

But wait. Earlier in the evening, before they met up with Lake and Jesse, Grace mentioned she wanted to talk to Tulip privately. Did that mean she would have come clean all along? That wasn’t something Tulip could ever know the answer to, but she knew Grace could have ended that day after she dropped off Lake and Jesse. She could have brushed off her question about the Apex. They didn’t have to drive to that park. She didn’t have to have that conversation. She could have escaped it entirely. But she didn’t. She told Tulip everything. This was it, they were in it together now.

She laid down again, and closed her eyes. She ignored the pit in her stomach as she tried to empty her mind. That didn’t work, her mind kept returning to Grace. She started to cry, tears stained her pillowcase. After an unknown amount of time, her pillow still damp, she fell into a dreamless sleep.

 

Tulip awoke to a light buzz under her pillow. Judging by the light from the window, it must be late morning. She didn’t feel like getting up so she closed her eyes again. After a few minutes, more buzzing followed. She groaned and folded the side of her pillow over her head. She hoped this sandwich made of her pillow and her face would protect her from the world, and finally let her go back to sleep. It did not. Another buzz. Tulip resigned herself to being awake. She sat up, grabbed her glasses, and checked her phone. Jesse had texted her.

“Hey, I feel bad about what happened yesterday.”

“If you’re still down for it, maybe we can just start over today?”

“We’re leaving first thing tomorrow and I’d like to hang out for real before we leave.”

Tears welled up in Tulip’s eyes. She blinked them away so she could focus on her screen.

 “Yeah, let’s hang out for real this time.” She needed to ask. She probably shouldn’t but she needed to.

“Can I ask Grace to come?” Tulip should probably explain that a bit more. “She’s not the same person she was in the past anymore. But I understand if you’re still uncomfortable with hanging out with her.” Five minutes passed. Then ten. Finally, a response.

“Grace can come too.” 

Tulip jumped out of bed. “Really? You guys are really fine with that?”

“Yeah. Me and Lake talked it over. We’re ready to move past it. We know that Grace means a lot to you as a friend, and we can see she’s changed for the better. So we want to support both of you.”

“Thank you for giving her a chance.” Tulip was overwhelmed with emotions. She had one last chance to have the reunion she always wanted. “I’ll ask if she’s free tonight.”

 

“Hey! First of all, I hope you’re doing okay. All that stuff you told me yesterday, I do understand why you wanted to keep it to yourself. It must have been really, really hard, on top of everything else you had to deal with. I’m truly sorry you had to go through all of that. But I want to show that you can trust me with that information, and that it’s not a burden to me.” 

“I want to help you because I’ve also been on the Train. Granted, I didn’t have the same experiences, and I don’t want to equate what I went through to what you went through. But I know how isolating it is to have no one to talk to about your experiences. I felt so alone and so out of my mind when I first came back and no one believed me. The first time I felt any sort of relief was when Jesse reached out to me.”

“This is why I was upset that you didn’t at least come clean about having been on the Train before, when I confessed to you on Halloween. But at this point, it’s really all water under the bridge. We said we would be there for each other, and I'm going to uphold my end of the promise. I mean, no matter how difficult it was for me, I can only imagine how much harder it must have been for you. Especially since it doesn’t sound like your parents were very supportive. Just know that you can always reach out to me. I'll always be here for you.”

“All I’m saying is, we’re going to try hanging out again tonight. And we want you to come. Are you free after 5PM? We’d love for you to show us around the city. Don’t forget I’m still new here too.”

Tulip sent the texts, and winced at how much of the screen they took up. If she scrolled up she could see that their last exchange was extremely casual and nothing like this. Tulip really hoped that Grace would respond, and was also quite worried about her state of mind. She tried to take her mind off things by playing some video games on her desktop computer, but she kept glancing over at her phone. After two and a half hours of anxious gaming, her phone finally buzzed. 

 

“Are we sure she’s coming?” Jesse said. Tulip met up with Lake and Jesse at their hotel. They were waiting outside the hotel’s entrance, checking every car that entered the driveway.

“Yeah, she said she was free after 5PM. She’ll be here.” Tulip checked the time. It was quarter to six. This was worrying, the drive from Grace’s apartment shouldn’t take this long. Jesse placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

“Maybe she got cold feet.” Lake stated. “I mean, it wasn’t like we ended things on the best note yesterday.” Lake paced back and forth in front of them. “By the way. Did she say anything else to you after we got dropped off?”

“We talked a bit more. I don’t think it’s my place to reveal all the details though. Let’s just say that I can’t bring myself to be mad at her after all she’s been through.”

“That’s fair. I figured she had a lot going on.” Lake stopped pacing to stretch, and gazed up at the magenta clouds of the sunset. 

“By the way, what even was that yesterday? Your reaction?” Tulip asked.

“Oh I dunno…” Lake turned to face her human friends. “I just felt like along the way I kind of ‘got’ her whole ‘deal’? The Train was a pretty hostile place for me as well, and I had to do whatever I needed to in order to survive.” Lake glanced up again. “I’d say I got the easy way out. I don’t know if I’d have made it off the Train as fast as I did if I was a passenger like the rest of you. Jesse is too much of a good egg, and I just reflected his number. Grace had to go the long way around, and actually grow as a person in order to leave. That’s gotta count for something.” 

Something caught Lake’s attention. It was a black car turning towards the hotel’s entrance. “Ah, speak of the devil.” She ran towards the car. “By the way, if you guys tell her any of what I just said, I’ll bust your fucking kneecaps.”

   

“Let’s just eat at the board game cafe. I do not want to go to any restaurants you recommend because they’re gonna load up everything with onions.”

“No, no way we’re going to a board game cafe. Because one of you will just grab Cards Against Humanity, and I am not playing that again. Besides, I already brought the games I wanted to play.”

“What do you have against Cards Against Humanity? It’s the best game ever!”

“Ugh, it’s so overdone! Other party games exist, you know. How are you all not tired of this one card game? And why don’t we try some games that actually require strategy?”

“Fine, we’ll try your nerd games that actually require thinking, and logic, and reading the rules, and all that boring crap.”

Tulip and Lake had been arguing for ten minutes, and they still hadn’t settled on a place to go for dinner. Grace was simply driving in the general direction of the city center while the matter of food was being settled.

“Do they always do this when they’re together?” Grace asked Jesse.

“I’ve never had a Tulip and Lake reunion without them getting into some sort of petty squabble.” Jesse answered with a nervous smile.

“So, I guess because Lake used to be Tulip’s reflection, they’re kind of like siblings to each other?” 

“Yeah, I’d say that’s pretty accurate. You haven’t even seen their worst arguments. Sometimes I wonder if I never should have gotten curious and asked to meet Lake’s prime, that is, the person she was a reflection of.”Jesse chuckled. “But Tulip’s pretty cool. And sometimes she’s able to talk sense into Lake when even I can’t. I think they help balance each other out.”

They reached a stoplight, and Grace checked her rear-view mirror. “Wait, so why does Tulip still have a reflection?” Grace’s question was intended for everyone in the car, but it seemed only Jesse was able to pay attention to her. 

“I think Tulip mentioned there was a period of time when she actually didn't have one. But then it reappeared one day. Lake said that in their world, reflections of dead people get recycled into new reflections, so that must have been what happened.”

The light turned green, Grace stepped on the gas. “This Mirror Dimension sounds insane. And it’s connected to our world? The reflections in the mirrors of my car…that’s a sentient person in there?” 

“Yep, that sounds about right from how Lake described it.” 

“Damn, that’s messed up.” If Grace wasn’t still feeling emotional burnout from her confession yesterday, as well as being slightly dazed from the pain pills she took for nursing her hangover, she would be having an existential crisis right then and there. Grace looked up at the street name. They were getting close to downtown, which meant the arguing had to stop, and someone needed to make a decision. 

“Alright settle down you two. Looks like I’ll be choosing the restaurant. I’m in the mood for tacos. We’re all good with tacos?” Three voices affirmed their agreement. Grace smiled and made a left turn at the next intersection. 

 

“So that was the cheesy sneeze incident.” Lake finished her story as Tulip collapsed into a black hole of humiliation. Grace’s sides hurt from laughing so hard. She didn’t expect Lake to have such good comedic timing. Jesse was trying to hide his laughter as a courtesy, but failed miserably. It wasn’t the first time he heard that story, but Lake managed to make it hilarious every time she told it.

“Do you have to tell every single person we meet about that?” Tulip mumbled into her arms.

“You know it. It’s even better when you’re around to react to it because it wouldn’t be half as funny without your visible embarrassment. The Schadenfreude is what makes the story so tasty.” Lake made a rubbing motion between her fingertips as leaned back in her usual manner and sipped her glass of water like sampling a fine wine. Meanwhile, Tulip pulled the hood of her sweater over her head, with her face down on the restaurant’s table. Before Tulip could recover, Lake had another anecdote up her sleeve.

“Oh yeah, and at the beginning of eighth grade, Tulip would practice kissing in front of the mirror. It was extremely gross and uncomfortable for me.”

“Oooooh, who was your first crush, Tulip?” Grace asked, raising an eyebrow.

Tulip’s head snapped up, her face the colour of radishes. She clenched her fists. “No one! I don’t get crushes!” She tried to steady herself to prepare for the explanation she hated giving whenever Lake mentioned that. “Look, one of my friends realized he was gay, but he didn’t want anyone to know, so he just asked me to pretend to be his girlfriend! That’s all! I had zero feelings for him and I have zero feelings for anyone!”

Grace put down the beer she was drinking and gave Tulip a sly look. 

“I mean, it doesn’t sound like-” 

“I. Don’t. Get. Crushes!” Tulip then pounded her fists on the table. 

“Okay we get it you big baby. Relationships are ew.” Lake replied mockingly. She then grabbed Jesse and kissed him on the cheek. Jesse blushed.

Tulip slumped back down onto the table. “I am never gonna invite you to visit. Ever. Once is enough.”

 

They spent the rest of the evening browsing the shops along the harbourfront. Christmas decorations covered the length of the boardwalk, as well as every store. It was the perfect time for the group to shop for gifts. Jesse found it incredibly hard to shop for his parents. Of course, he already had gifts for his brother and Lake picked out a month ago. The harbourfront shops were someplace that Tulip had never been to either, being relatively new to the city, but Grace was decently familiar with it. She led the group to all of her favourite locations. 

As they made their way through the Saturday evening crowds, Grace was surprised at how no one really paid much attention to Lake. Some people stared, but not much more than if Lake was a regular teen dressed the way she normally dressed.

"Hey, sorry for being rude Lake," she began, "but what is it like? You know, being here on Earth?" Lake slowed her quick pace and thought for a moment. 

"Well what do you want to know? I could answer that question in a lot of ways. Like, I think Earth is an amazing place. Incomparable to anything in the Mirror Dimension even though it was supposed to reflect Earth. And it’s also at least a thousand times better than any of the Cars on the Train, even the really cool ones." She idly kicked a soda can with her foot. "Well, I guess the people could use some work." Grace considered Lake's response. 

"So your overall impression of humans. How is it? Be as honest as possible."

"Humans are…" Lake shoved her hands deep into her pockets and took a breath. "Humans are fine?" She shrugged. "Don't get me wrong, I learned about all the horrible shit you all do to each other. It's kind of hard not to when you're dating and living with someone like Jesse in a country like America. But, hey. I think all three of you prove that humans are capable of both great harm and great good." She gave Grace a cheeky wink. "I do think you should all get your shit together though.” She looked towards the ocean, and up at the gulls hanging in the evening sky. “Earth is just so beautiful. More beautiful than any place I’ve ever seen. And you're all messing it up way too much." Grace tried to gauge if there was more to Lake’s answer or if there wasn’t any subtext in there at all.

"I guess what I mean is, people aren't afraid of you? They don't treat you differently?" Lake stopped walking and briefly glanced towards the water again. She walked up to the fence that separated the boardwalk from the beach and placed her hands on the railing. The rest of the group stopped behind her.

"Well, there are some who do. There are some people who hate me just for existing, who'll never accept me for who I am. But I know how those people operate. They won't even accept humans who are different from them. They have a similar attitude towards me as they do towards Jesse and his family. Or towards people like you, Grace." Lake noticed how self-conscious that made Grace feel, and considered if that was the right thing to say. She should always be careful when touching on those human topics.

Despite being Tulip's ex-reflection there were very few instances in which Lake actually reminded Grace of Tulip. But in that brief moment, her resemblance to Tulip was uncanny. "But that's a whole different complex topic that I don't think is my place to really comment on. At the end of the day, I'm not really part of humanity. I’m more like a weird space alien. So in that sense I could get away with being different. In fact, I think that makes me less threatening to certain people. And that is incredibly messed up."

With that statement, Lake turned away from the water and back towards the stores. She picked a direction to walk in, and Jesse followed. Eventually, Lake and Jesse wandered off on their own, and ended up at a secondhand bookstore. After all, they were there to shop for gifts, not contemplate on the inherent goodness of humanity. Tulip and Grace followed close behind.

“Foraging in the Pacific Northwest ? Hmm, my mom loves reading about nature, and she’s also interested in foraging.” He frowned. “But when are we gonna get another opportunity to come to the west coast as a family? This book wouldn’t be very useful to her.” He placed the book down, but hesitantly reached for it again. “Well, it would still be nice to keep around, for variety. She already has a ton of books on the vegetation in Arizona…”

“Just go for it. I bet she’ll really appreciate this gift.” Tulip said. Jesse smiled at her, and decided to hang on to the book. He had already agonized his way through several stores. Some with gardening supplies, or ceramic pots, but Tulip knew that it was always the bookstores that would get ‘em, at least when it came to gift giving.

“Do you know what you’re going to get your dad?” At that, Jesse let out an anxious laugh. 

“My dad? Oh geez, he’s going to be really hard to shop for.” He nervously wiped the sweat from his brows, and walked on down the aisles towards an exceptionally bored Lake. This was a smaller bookstore and did not have a graphic novel section. This meant she was not interested in any of the literature it provided.

“Well at least you picked out something for your mom, so let’s just ditch this place. I think I saw a record store. You could get him an Eagles record or something. Are your parents Eagles fans, or was that Tulip’s parents?”

“My dad likes that Canadian band, Duet. But you just want to see if they have any music you like, don’t you?” Jesse responded. Lake placed a hand behind her head and another in the pocket of her oversized sweater while she smiled sheepishly. 

“Maybe. But the record player’s gonna go to waste if I’m the only one using it.” 

Jesse took Lake’s arm from her pocket and held her hand. Then he planted a quick kiss on the curve of her neck. She giggled, turned to him, and pulled his chin down so his soft human lips met her metal ones. At the other end of the bookstore, Grace looked away and sighed. She glanced at the books around her. It seemed she was in the fantasy section, surrounded by thick tomes all with flowery titles. This was not the right place to be, not after she opened so many old wounds yesterday. She slowly began to walk towards the exit to wait for the rest of them. Tulip found her way beside her. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, just you know. Dealing with it.” Grace crossed her arms and looked back towards Jesse and Lake, still locked in an embrace. “Those two are really something, aren’t they.”

Grace had that look in her eyes, the one that meant she was carrying that weight again. “They’re such good people, and they’re so good for each other. Maybe you have to reach some threshold of goodness in order to deserve someone who loves you...” Grace took a deep breath and turned her gaze to the floor. 

“Hey, don’t say that.” Tulip said sternly. “Seriously, the time for self-pity is over. There’s someone out there for you, I know it.”

“You don’t think I missed my only chance?” Grace asked, her voice trembling slightly, but still with a hint of hopefulness.

“Look, I don’t know much about love. No crushes, remember? But it sounds like if you’re just true to yourself, and you also take the time to work on your shortcomings, you’re going to find someone.” Tulip reached over and took Grace’s hand.

“Grace from what I’ve seen, you’re already doing all of that, and more. I know you have your past, and it’ll always be a part of you. But don’t let it define you. You’re more than your mistakes.” Grace looked at Tulip, her brown eyes glistening. She enveloped her in a tight hug, which Tulip returned. 

“Thank you, Tulip. Thank you so much.”

 

After a few rounds of tabletop games in their hotel room, it was time for Tulip and Grace to leave for the night. Jesse had his flight tomorrow, while Lake opted to take the Amtrak from Emeryville back to Phoenix. Even though she didn’t think highly of the TSA, she wasn’t going to take her chances with them twice. Lake also felt it would be nice to be on some type of train as a passenger this time, just to see what it was like.

"You're absolutely certain I won't have to solve puzzles and learn lessons about myself?" Lake asked, half jokingly.

"No, you just sit in a seat and look out the window. Sometimes they bring food out, but it's kinda expensive." Tulip replied.

"Wait, I have to pay for the food?" Lake leaned back on the pillows and crossed her arms in disapproval. "Man, I should have flown instead."

"You get more than peanuts. They have sandwiches and stuff like that." Jesse said as he reached for Lake’s hand. 

“Oh, I do love me a good ham and cheese.”

As the evening wound down, there was just one more thing that had to happen. Grace stood up in front of everyone, her posture still guarded.

“Hey, I just wanted to say, before we go.” She glanced around the hotel room, at everyone's faces. She bowed her head. “Thank you all again for giving me another chance today. I know it must have been really difficult considering what I’ve done in the past. I want to let you all know that I’m trying to do better, but I’m holding myself accountable for all of the pain I caused. I’m not off the hook for that.” She winced, closed her eyes, and her lips began to tremble. “I…I don’t deserve this kindness from you all.” She felt someone hold her hand, it was Tulip. 

“You do deserve this. You’re a good friend, and a good person.”

Then someone placed a hand on her shoulder, it was Jesse. 

“You’ve shown that you’re trying to do better. That’s what counts in the end. I’ll happily call you my friend.”

Lake got up, and then gave her a light tap on the arm with her fist.

“Ahhh don’t mention it. You did pay for our meals, and also the ice cream we got after, and drove us back. Plus you also gave us a ride yesterday. Let’s call it even.” However, Lake then scrunched up her face in thought again, and suddenly grabbed Grace by the arm. Grace recoiled slightly in surprise.

“Wait no, give me a ride to the Amtrak station tomorrow! Then it’s even!”

For a second, Grace didn’t know how to respond. She expected Lake to berate her again, or say she wasn’t being serious about calling it even. As the tension released, Grace let out a laugh.

“Lake! ” Jesse and Tulip shouted at the same time. Embarrassed, Lake let go of Grace’s arm and instead crossed hers, blushing through her metal skin.

“Sheesh, fine. I’ll get there on my own. Just so we’re clear if I get kidnapped by the FBI it’s on all of you.”

 

"Wake up sleepy head.” 

Grace felt a soft kiss on her forehead. Her eyes slowly fluttered open as she took in her surroundings. She was surrounded by a soft woven quilt as she lay in bed. She could hear birds chirping in the distance. Sunlight was streaming through the windows of the old van, and a gentle breeze was blowing in. Directly in front of her were a pair of deep blue eyes, and a smiling face framed by fiery red hair, Eleanor.

“Mornin’.” Grace mumbled. She slowly shifted under the covers to bring herself to a more upright position. “What time is it?”

“Too early for you, but late enough that we should get going.” Eleanor said. She leaned forwards, and planted a second kiss on Grace’s lips. Grace placed her arms around Eleanor and pulled her closer, feeling her breathing, the warmth of her skin, savouring the taste of her lips. Perhaps Grace was feeling particularly frisky that morning, as she slowly moved her hand down Eleanor’s side, brushed past her hips, and across her thigh towards her crotch. Eleanor yelped in surprise and pulled away, though not without a hint of reluctance. She let out a sprightly laugh.

“That’s not going to help us stay on schedule.” She climbed off the bed and out the back door of the van in one smooth motion. “I made some coffee for you since it’s your turn to drive.”

Grace fell back onto her pillow. It was maybe not her brightest decision to go on a road trip across the Pacific Northwest when she didn’t particularly like camping, and she certainly was not a morning person. But she just couldn’t say no to Eleanor. Besides, the two of them needed a break from their families to just be with each other, and this was the perfect excuse.

“Did we really agree that it was my turn to drive? Can’t I have ten more minutes?” Eleanor sighed as she raised the thermos of fresh coffee in her hands. 

“Come on, the coffee’s nice and hot.” Grace made a disgusted face. She didn’t like drinking black coffee. She looked over at the mini-fridge in the corner.

“Why don’t I drink the kombucha we brought?”

“Really? You’re going to drink kombucha before driving? Jesus Christ, Grace.” Eleanor laughed again, before putting on a mockingly heavy tone. “Maybe we should call Alcoholics Anonymous.”

“Oh my god, I’ll drink the coffee. I just don’t like taking it without a creamer.” Grace begrudgingly got out of bed and slipped on her shoes. “Also there’s barely any alcohol in kombucha.” She grabbed the thermos from Eleanor, a granola bar from the bag of food next to the camping stove, and stalked off to the driver’s seat. Eleanor watched and shook her head in amusement. She finished packing up the camping stove and got into the passenger seat. A beam of morning sunlight caught on Eleanor’s hair as she brushed it in the car, setting it ablaze in a warm glow.

“Have I ever told you how great you look with red hair?”

“Only about twenty times in the past few days.” Eleanor had begun braiding her hair. Sometimes Grace was quite envious of the ease at which Eleanor could style her hair. “I mean, I had to dye my hair this colour at some point. I got my name from my favourite video game character, and she’s a redhead.” She secured her braid with a thin purple ribbon at the end. 

“Aw, that’s so cute. You should hang out with Tulip more often. She’s always going on about video games.” Grace put the thermos down, and set the navigation on her phone.

“Since you’re driving, we’re gonna hear more of your funky early to mid-2000s pop song playlist right?” Eleanor asked with a smirk. Grace rolled her eyes. “Come on, you know why I have outdated musical tastes. It wasn’t like I spent my formative years on Earth like a normal teenager.”

“Fair enough, Janet Jackson’s always been an icon. And I think Britney Spears is growing on me.”

 

They were back on the road, heading towards the border between California and Oregon. The navigation app still indicated several more hours of driving before they reached the scenic cliffs they wanted to stop by. Of course, there was plenty of scenery along the way. Driving through lush redwood forests helped keep Grace’s mind empty. She could just focus on being present. Eventually the road they were on took them near a small lumber town. Eleanor glanced around, eyes wide with enthusiasm. “Let’s make a stop here, I want to check out the woodworking.”

The two of them parked the van and entered one of the stores. The smell of lumber and varnish filled the air. The whole place had a rustic European fairy tale feel to it, with its shelves full of intricately carved boxes, figurines, and wooden plates. There was also some custom made furniture in one corner which would not look out of place in some forest elf’s cottage home.

“Oh man, this place really brings me back to my grandfather’s workshop.” Eleanor sighed wistfully.

“Really?” Grace raised an eyebrow. “Your grandfather was a woodworker?”

“Yeah, pretty much my entire family. My dad, my uncles, and my older brother.” Grace had to restrain herself from slapping her forehead in disbelief. 

“I never was able to get into it though. Didn’t have the strength or the dexterity. I'm just not a very handy person in general? That’s one lesbian stereotype that doesn’t apply to me.” Eleanor added with a slight chuckle. She looked off to the side self-consciously. “That’s why I draw and paint. Someone has to carry on skills from my mom’s side of the family. But I got teased a lot by the guys in my family for it, you know how boys can be.” Grace held both of Eleanor’s hands and looked her in the eyes.

“Hey, your artwork is beautiful, okay?”

"Ah, sorry I got carried away thinking about family stuff. Don’t worry about me.” Eleanor smiled, and gave Grace a kiss on the cheek. She then waltzed over to another aisle to look at the items for sale. They weren’t supposed to discuss their families while on this outing, but Grace couldn’t help but feel bad for how difficult Eleanor’s life must have been after she came out to them. She knew Eleanor needed to work two part-time jobs now, and it wasn’t enough to make ends meet. She cursed the high cost of living in their city, and the broken US healthcare system.

“What is the price of this picture frame anyway?” Eleanor pondered from the next aisle over. She picked it up, and turned it over. “Oof. I can’t afford that. But it’s so cute though. The detailing on the mushrooms is done so well.” 

“Pfft, I can buy it for you.” Grace said as she walked over and waved her hand. 

“Really?”

“Yeah, I paid for the renovations on the van, remember?”

“Shit, you’re right. I keep forgetting how loaded your folks are.” 

Grace helped Eleanor financially whenever she could, but she didn’t know how long that arrangement could last. Even though they had been dating for almost four months now, and even had plans to move in together, Grace hadn’t yet introduced Eleanor to her parents as her girlfriend. For this road trip, she simply told them that it was just with a friend. Just “gal pals”. She was afraid that if she told them the truth, they’d cut her off, like Eleanor’s family did. Then they’d both be in trouble. But she knew the more they spent time together, the closer they became, Grace would eventually need to tell her parents. Well, she only had one more year of college left, and she was certain she could land a job for herself. She could try to become financially independent. Then she wouldn’t have to worry about how her parents would react. Grace shook her head and tried not to think about that. She and Eleanor were here to have a good time, and to enjoy each other’s company. She shouldn’t torment herself with the baggage from her past, and worries for the future.

Before they left the store, Grace saw a simple little wooden figurine perched on a shelf. The size and shape of it stirred a deep emotional well within her. She picked it up and placed it in front of the cashier, along with the mushroom-themed picture frame.

 

“Finally, it’s your turn to drive.” Grace said as she reclined her seat. “I get to take a goddamn nap.”

“Alright, you’ve earned it. Hey, look through my songs and see what you wanna play.” Eleanor handed her phone to Grace, who then scrolled through her music library. “Girl, that’s a lot of Radiohead songs you got here.” 

Eleanor cringed, and covered her blushing face. “Gah! Okay, look I know their songs are known to be super depressing but they’re genuinely good! They’re going to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame this year, you know, along with Janet Jackson!”

“Hey you don’t have to justify anything you like to me.” Grace scrolled through their album list. “What about this album? In Rainbows ? That doesn’t sound too depressing.”

“Oh, that one’s my favourite album! It’s actually not sad at all, and in my personal opinion, is great for road tripping. Play it!”

 

It happened a few minutes after they crossed the border into Oregon. Grace managed to stay awake through the entire album, and she had to admit, it was pretty good. As her tiredness caught up to her, and she was finally beginning to nod off, the last track on the album began to play. This one was much more somber in tone.

"When I'm at the pearly gates, this'll be on my videotape, my videotape.” 

“Mephistopheles is just beneath, and he's reaching up to grab me.”

“Oh, damn. I totally forgot that the last track on this album is actually incredibly sad." Eleanor reached a hand over to the media console. "Here, I’ll just skip it.” 

Grace sat up, a stunned look on her face. “Wait, wait…Let it play.” 

She sat still as a statue, concentrating on the lyrics. Her hand instinctively clutched the wooden figurine she just purchased.

“You are my centre, when I spin away. Out of control on videotape, on videotape, on videotape...”

“Grace? What’s wrong?” 

It seemed the van had stopped by the side of the road. She looked to her left, to where Eleanor was sitting. Her face was warped and obscured. Grace lifted a hand to her own face, it was damp with tears. She gasped for air, and shook her head. 

“Are you thinking about him again?” Eleanor asked. Grace nodded. Eleanor understood what she needed to do. She reached over to Grace, and cupped her hands around her cheeks, wiping away the streams of tears as she did. Then she gently brought their heads closer together, until their foreheads were touching.

“It’s okay to cry, let it all out.” Grace did. She let herself cry, as she listened to the song, and felt Eleanor’s warmth against her skin. “Everything’s going to be okay.”

 

“This is my way of saying goodbye, 'cause I can't do it face to face. I'm talking to you before-”

“No matter what happens now, you shouldn't be afraid. Because I know today has been the most perfect day I've ever seen.”