Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“What makes the desert beautiful,” said the little prince, “is that somewhere it hides a well…” Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

―

If there’s one thing Donghyuck knows how to do, it's how to do things alone.

Not to say he has no one; it’s the opposite. He has a mother who loves him very much. Younger siblings he adores. Friends who spend the night at his house and poke and prod at him to get under his skin.

But, in a place as small as this one, Donghyuck has learned one thing: everyone knows everything about everyone. Things spread quickly. Be nice, but not too nice. Never let your guard down. Smile at the old woman across the street. Speak a lot without saying anything. Attend every town event. Bow politely to the upperclassmen you run into, even though they make fun of you behind your back. Be amicable and reliable, for your family and for yourself.

If there’s one thing he knows, it’s how to play the game. When someone says something meant to be funny, laugh and clap your hands accordingly. When someone is telling you a secret, lean in and quirk a brow to show that you’re listening. When someone is telling you they’re having a hard time, look into their eyes and quirk your mouth down in a sympathetic grimace. Talk, but not too much. Always be a shoulder to lean on. Be the life of the party. Rinse and repeat.

But, if there’s one thing Donghyuck doesn’t know, it's how to act around Mark Lee.

Mark shows up one day, unceremoniously. His words are fast and drawled, staccato sentences peppered with like’s and um’s. Like his mouth is trying to catch up with the words in his head. Donghyuck can tell he’s foreign. He shows up unceremoniously, but Donghyuck notices him right away. No one comes here. The day to day continues, the wheels keep rolling, crops keep harvesting, the grass gets trimmed, the schoolchildren keep crossing the street. Old Mrs. Oh’s yapping Pomeranian still bites his ankles when he delivers her newspapers. The world keeps turning.

Except Donghyuck’s world. He’s miffed. He’s the social butterfly, the talk of the town, but he doesn’t let himself show interest in others. Especially not boys. Boys are dangerous.

Mark Lee is dangerous.

He’s normal enough. He smiles. He studies. He trips over his words and speaks too fast, which makes the older women laugh and pinch his cheeks fondly.

He pays Donghyuck no mind.

That pisses him off.

The girls warm up to him quickly. The boys are jealous and think he’s too scrawny. The adults fawn over him. An itch settles under Donghyuck’s skin.

Why does Donghyuck immediately develop this animosity for Mark, with the small mouth and big brown eyes? Maybe the river water has been tainted and made him hysterical.

Mark is so nice. Too nice. He opens the door for everyone. Helps the old ladies cross the street. Carries his mother’s groceries. Bows his head and murmurs a prayer before every meal.

Donghyuck waits. Waits until he inevitably slips up, his devil horns that were hidden in his dark mop of hair finally peeking out over the crown of his head. Waits for him to be rude. Raise his voice. Snigger at the dumb nerd in the hallway. It never comes. (His angel wings grow bigger.)

Admittedly, Donghyuck is drawn to him. (His first mistake of many.) The alarms start to go off in his head. Don’t let yourself get too close to anyone, the rational voice in his head says. He’s not nice. It's just a front. He’ll ruin you. He’ll lure you in, and when you’re not looking, prick a thorn into your flesh.

He looks like someone Donghyuck could love.

His eyes, his dumb, stupid eyes. The first time they make eye contact, Donghyuck is chatting up a girl up in the hallway, making her giggle and slap his arm playfully. Hyuck-ah is a funny guy, that's what she says. That's what everyone says. That’s who Donghyuck is. That’s all he’ll ever be. He leans against her locker, and he sees Mark in the background. There go his eyes. Donghyuck’s throat closes up. Mark is looking at him. He smiles.

Donghyuck looks away.

The second time they make eye contact, it's Saturday morning and Donghyuck is delivering newspapers in the neighborhood. He’s tossing one onto a neatly trimmed lawn when he hears a casual, “Hey!”

He anchors one leg off of his bike and turns around. It's Mark, the autumn wind whipping in his white t-shirt. Donghyuck stumbles clumsily, and the newspapers in his basket fall onto the sidewalk.

How sexy of you, his brain helpfully supplies. Donghyuck can feel his ears start to heat up, but he brushes it off, turning his charisma up to 100 as he always does, and smiles at Mark crookedly in the bright sun.

“You made me trip!”

Mark’s eyes widen and he rushes over, legs too long for his body, hastily swiping up the newspapers off the ground and offering them to Donghyuck. Their fingers brush, feather light. Donghyuck swallows. Mark starts to scratch his neck sheepishly. “Sorry, I… just recognized you from around school. Didn’t mean to interrupt.” He squints at Donghyuck, the sun bathing him in bright light. His eyes are so brown.

Donghyuck huffs out a laugh and tightens his grip on the bike’s handlebars, his hands suddenly coated with sweat. Smooth. “I was just kidding. Hi, Mark.”

Mark’s eyebrows shoot up into his hairline. “You know my name?”

Donghyuck cocks an eyebrow at this and smiles, not unkindly. “Well, everyone’s in love with the new boy in town. You’re all they talk about. Canadian sweetheart, huh? Of course, I know your name.”

A devastating blush creeps slowly up from Mark’s neck to his cheeks and oh, oh no. Donghyuck stares.

A goofy laugh comes out of Mark’s mouth, a full haha, and Donghyuck can see his straight white teeth. “Oh, man, that’s kinda embarrassing. Yeah, that’s me.” He continues to rub at his neck and Donghyuck wants to swat his hand away. “And you’re Lee Donghyuck, right?”

It's Donghyuck’s turn to stare questioningly at Mark. Mark knows his name. That’s fine. That’s normal. That’s not something of major importance. That’s not something that Lee Donghyuck would get hung up on.

Dong-hyuck. One name. Two syllables. They roll nicely off of Mark’s tongue.

“Yeah, that’s me.” Donghyuck cocks his head to the side. Before he can add anything else, Mark drops his hand like he suddenly remembered it was on his body and reaches out for a handshake. “I, uh, we share a class.” Donghyuck knows this. He had been actively ignoring it and avoiding Mark’s gaze for the month and a half he had been there.

Donghyuck offers his hand. Mark’s palms are soft, fingertips rough with calluses. Must work with his hands or play an instrument. Donghyuck likes the way they fit together. He drops his hand.

“Oh,” he says, like he hadn’t noticed Mark two rows ahead of him, smiling too bright at every student that greeted him as they rushed into the classroom. The wind tousles Mark’s hair, and he’s staring too intently at Donghyuck, like he actually cares about what he has to say. His skin prickles. “So, what is a Canadian sweetheart like you doing out in the Korean countryside then? It's not everyday we get visitors. Must be a long way from home. Not to mention, it's your last year in school.”

Mark Lee’s cheeks must be perpetually pink, Donghyuck thinks as Mark has the absolute gall to look embarrassed again. Donghyuck stares at the line of his jaw as he talks. “My dad’s company moved us out here for business. It's not permanent, but I don’t know exactly when I’ll be going back home.”

Great. Mark Lee, who hasn’t even wronged Donghyuck, will be out of his hair soon. (So, why did his heart drop? He’s just some boy, after all.)

“Oh,” Donghyuck says again dumbly. He tsks jokingly and grins. It's surprisingly easy to summon a smile around Mark, he notices. Dangerous. “Better make the most of it, then.”

“Yeah,” Mark smiles and shoves his hands in the pockets of his blue jeans. A shrill voice rings out from what Donghyuck assumes is Mark’s house, yelling something about breakfast. They seem to have settled in nicely.

“You better get going,” Donghyuck nods to the front door.

“Yeah.” Mark turns around and picks up the newspaper Donghyuck threw onto the lawn. There’s a silver ring on his pinky finger. “I’ll see you around, then?”

“Yeah.”

Donghyuck watches Mark go, his ring glinting in the sunlight. The front door shuts behind him. Donghyuck stays planted there, the sun beating down on his face, sweat starting to gather on his neck.

Why was he so nice?

―

Donghyuck is no stranger to cruelness.

He sees the kids getting bumped into lockers. He hears the older women gossiping about the single mother across the street, sniveling about how she can’t take care of her children properly. He watches people die on the news. He sees rich girls giggling in the hallways at Sumin, who’s been wearing the same battered up shoes since freshman year, because she can’t afford new ones.

Donghyuck is nice. Donghyuck is sociable. Donghyuck puts his head down and keeps walking.

The third time they make eye contact, Donghyuck is actively avoiding Mark. Again. It's not like they talk. Mark has his friends and so does Donghyuck. He’s just protecting himself, that’s all. Nothing more, nothing less. There’s something off about him. He’s too friendly. He smiles a lot. He cares about others, whatever that means. Which means there has to be something terribly wrong with him. Last week, when he tried to say hello to Donghyuck in between periods, Donghyuck ran away like the wind and made it to class in record time. Nobody here is “nice.” Tolerable, sure. But Donghyuck has encountered one too many rotten people in his life. He plays the game just for them.

Mark has a bike too.

Donghyuck sees him riding one day while on his way back home from picking up groceries for his mother. He has a stupid pair of sunglasses shoved haphazardly atop his head, and he’s wearing another white t-shirt. Donghyuck watches his shirt wave up and down and his pale forearms flex as he grips the handlebars. Mark spots him on the sidewalk and slows down to a stop.

“Hey, Donghyuck-ah! Er... can I call you that?” He tilts his head to the side like a clueless puppy and Donghyuck gulps.

“Ah, yeah.” He’s usually outspoken, but he notices he can’t seem to find his voice.

“It’s good seeing you around again,” Mark says, removing his sunglasses from his disheveled hair and linking it onto the front of his shirt. Is it? “I don’t see you around much at school, even though you’re very well-liked.” He smiles a bit.

Donghyuck scoffs lightly at this. Yeah, he’s well-liked alright. He’s mastered the game. He is the game. “I’m a bit popular, aren’t I?” he says instead.

“Yeah,” Mark says earnestly. “People talk about you a lot.”

“Oh?” Donghyuck’s eyebrows raise on their own accord. “Mostly good things, I hope.”

“Yeah,” Mark says again, but it comes out as more of an airy laugh than a word. Donghyuck stares again. He needs to get out of here. He needs to look away.

“I bet,” Donghyuck grins cheekily, heart going thump thump thump in his ribcage. “So, how’re you likin’ it here? I’m sure a city boy like you experienced some culture shock.”

This startles a laugh out of Mark, and he anchors a jean-clad leg onto the ground. He laughs so easily, Donghyuck thinks to himself. It's a nice laugh, his brain helpfully supplies.

“It’s nice,” Mark nods, mostly to himself. “It took less time to get used to than I initially thought it would.” He looks around, the breeze tousling his har. The sun will start to set soon. “It's a nice change of scenery.”

“You seem like you have a very positive outlook on life, Mark Lee,” Donghyuck says honestly. “If I was whisked away from here to, like, Jirisan or something, I’d probably be pissed.”

Mark laughs again (can he stop doing that?) and grins. “I like Seoul, too. It reminds me of home, a bit.” He smiles wistfully.

“Do you miss it?” Donghyuck asks before he can stop himself. He doesn’t actually want to know. He’s just being nice. Making small talk. Formalities.

“I do,” Mark says, running a hand through his dark hair, revealing thin and pretty eyebrows. Donghyuck pointedly directs his gaze away from his face to the vegetables in his hands. “Oh, I’m interrupting you again, huh? You should get home, sun is setting soon,” Mark says, perceptive and caring as always. Except Donghyuck doesn’t really want to get going, kind of wants to stick around, if he’s being honest. He tells himself it's just his natural nosiness making itself known once again. He knows everything about everyone here. Mark Lee is just another puzzle he has to figure out, put together, and stash away.

“Yeah,” Donghyuck says, shrugging his plaid shirt higher onto his shoulders. The sun blazes painfully onto his collarbones.

“I’ll see you around?” Mark questions, and why is he even asking? Donghyuck can’t escape him.

“Of course.” Donghyuck nods. “Bye, Mark.”

“Later, Donghyuck-ah!” Mark waves at him and then sits back fully onto his bike and rolls away down the hill. Oh, Donghyuck thinks wordlessly.

―

So, as it turns out, Mark Lee is unavoidable. Unstoppable force, meet immovable object. He’s poking and prodding under Donghyuck’s skin in a way he’s never felt before, and he’s completely unaware. It's completely pissing Donghyuck off.

Donghyuck sees him around town often, which is a given in a place of its size. But the real kicker is that he says “hi” or “hey” every time, and smiles that dumb smile at Donghyuck. And not just that, but he makes sure to say his name every time. Hi, Donghyuck-ah. Good to see you, Donghyuck-ah. That test was really hard, huh Donghyuck-ah. It's too personal. Donghyuck’s bones rattle. Mark calls his name, as if to say, “I see you!”

Great.

It's Monday morning, and Mark has just said hi to him as he passed Donghyuck in the dining hall. His uniform tie is crooked. His hair is disheveled again. There’s a girl trailing after him.

Donghyuck stuffs a dinner roll into his mouth.

“What’s up with him lately?” One of his friends says loudly, like he isn’t right there.

“I think Hyuckie hates Mark.”

“Huh? Why? He’s so sweet!”

Donghyuck’s ears perk up, but he makes no move to chew the dinner roll sitting in his mouth.

“He must hate him because he’s stealing his popularity,” Jun says teasingly, elbowing Donghyuck in his side obnoxiously. Donghyuck rolls his eyes and finally swallows.

“I don’t hate anyone. I’m a lover,” he sniffs snootily.

“So then why are you always staring at him menacingly? I swear, those eyes could kill.”

Has Donghyuck been staring?

That’s a little suspicious. But it had been interpreted as hate. That’s better than-

“He’s weird,” Donghyuck cuts his internal monologue off. “He’s like… nice.”

“‘Like nice’ is a good thing, isn’t it?” The group hums in agreement. “You’re just jealous,” Jia singsongs.

“Am not,” Donghyuck grumbles. He hasn’t had his usual spunk lately. He feels tired. Midterms are coming up soon. His siblings get louder by the day. Mark keeps him on edge.

Maybe he does hate him.

―

Okay, so maybe he doesn’t hate Mark Lee.

As the days roll on and autumn turns into a cold winter, he learns something new about Mark every week. But it's not Donghyuck’s fault. He strongly believes that the universe has planted Mark Lee into his life just to spite him. He wonders what he did in a past life to deserve such a thing. Mark won’t leave him alone. Or maybe they just keep bumping into each other. But Donghyuck is nothing if not petty.

Mark likes watermelon. Mark plays guitar. Mark laughs like a Disney movie villain. Mark loves his mom. Mark sounds exactly the same when he speaks English. Mark-

A heavy stone drops to the bottom of Donghyuck’s stomach.

Why had he remembered the things that Mark had told him in passing? Why did he remember observations he had made about Mark? He was probably just being nice. Keeping up appearances. Being the cute, friendly guy. He couldn’t care less if Donghyuck knows his favorite color. Yes, it was all just formalities.

In spite of himself, Donghyuck is interested.

Sound the alarm, he thinks. Contact the news and the media. Call an ambulance. I’ve let myself go. I’ve talked too much. I’ve listened too much.

Dangerous, that's what Mark is. Donghyuck isn’t stupid. He probably has a girlfriend, and if he doesn’t, he’ll surely get one in the next 3-5 business days. Girls are lining up around the block for Mark Lee. Maybe if Donghyuck had long hair and a uniform skirt, he would line up for Mark too.

Donghyuck looks up from his laptop and gawks at the Michael Jackson poster on his wall. What had gotten into him?

It’s because Mark is pretty, he thinks. I’m just being materialistic.

Donghyuck is lucky he also likes girls. There’s no way in hell he’s ever going to date a man, much less in this small town with the old ladies chasing everyone around with brooms. He chuckles to himself. He can’t let this get out of hand. But it's not a crush. Just … mild interest? Donghyuck is only so interested in him because he stands out in this town. He’s too nice. He’s foreign. He has a nice smile. Donghyuck’s primitive caveman brain is just ogling at something shiny and new. He’ll get over it soon. Mark will do something stupid. Or maybe he’ll push some kid into a locker. It’ll all be just a front, and Donghyuck’s infallible instincts will be right once again.

It is winter break and Mark has still not messed up.

Okay, so maybe Donghyuck’s math was off a bit. Maybe it’ll take a bit longer for him to show his true colors. Reveal ulterior motives.

Maybe Mark is just naïve.

He’s so nice, Donghyuck thinks to himself. What a loser.

Mark volunteers at the yearly church holiday party on Christmas Eve.

The congregation hands out plates of food to hungry hands. Little children are given new toys and tiny Santa hats. There are Christmas lights strung up all over the church and the trees in the surrounding greenery. There are picnic tables set up all around, and Christmas music playing from giant speakers. The hum of chatter and laughter ring pleasantly through the air.

Donghyuck is only looking at Mark.

He’s in front of the church, handing out cookies to some rowdy schoolchildren. They run around wildly and poke and pull at Mark’s puffer jacket, and he’s smiling down at them fondly. The sun is starting to set behind him, a yellow orange glow haloed around his head. Donghyuck spots the nearest tree and plans his escape.

“Donghyuck-ah!”

Alright, Donghyuck thinks morosely. I get it. I have sins to atone for. I deserve the torture, that’s what you’re teling me right? He cranes his head up to the sky and inhales deeply. There are people looking at him curiously. Why was Mark so loud sometimes? So unabashed.

Donghyuck turns around and sees Mark waving at him from the cookie table. Despite himself, he smiles.

“Hi, Mark,” he says as he makes his way to the table. Mark is smiling back and, God, he’s wearing a pair of stupid reindeer antlers atop his head. Today his hair is slicked back, and Donghyuck pointedly stares at his forehead instead of into his eyes.

“Hey, Donghyuck-ah! Merry Christmas.” Mark reaches down and offers a cookie to him. There’s an elf on it. He has dumb rosy cheeks and googly eyes. Donghyuck inhales. “I helped decorate them myself,” Mark continues proudly. Donghyuck’s traitor heart constricts in his chest.

“I didn’t take you for an artist,” Donghyuck says, taking the cookie from him. Their fingers don’t brush this time. He examines the icing freckles all over the elf’s face. “You must be Picasso reincarnate? The annual holiday cookies never look this good,” Donghyuck teases lightly.

Mark … giggles. It's a soft, tinkling sound, goofy and endearing. Donghyuck clenches his jaw and tries not to burst into a ball of flames. Not a good look in front of a church.

“Yeah, I guess you could say I dabble a bit in the arts,” Mark jokes, and Donghyuck finally looks up at him. There’s a small cross necklace laying delicately in the hollow of his throat. This close, Donghyuck notices that there’s a small mole on his cheek. His eyes are still really brown. Donghyuck coughs and turns away. Snowflakes start to fall softly.

“I have to go sing to the kids now,” Mark says before Donghyuck can even think of a witty reply. He bends down to grab something from under the table and oh, great, it's a guitar. Because of course Mark Lee plays guitar. Explains the calluses on his fingertips. Mark turns his head behind him toward the bonfire the older men have started for the children eating cookies and roasting giant marshmallows. He sees some of his classmates start to gather around. The pastor of the church sits next to one of the little girls, smiling at her as she talks to him animatedly. Donghyuck’s heart aches. “Are you coming?”

Mark is looking at him now, gaze so open and unguarded. I hate you, Donghyuck thinks.

“I have to get back home soon,” he says out loud. “My mother and my siblings use me and this festival as a way to get free treats every year,” Donghyuck shakes the cookie in his hand at Mark and rolls his eyes good-naturedly. Mark laughs. He does that a lot.

“Yeah, it's starting to sleet, anyway, so we’ll probably end things a little earlier. You’d better get home before you get caught in the snow,” Mark says, like he actually cares that Donghyuck gets home safely. There are snowflakes in his dark eyelashes. Donghyuck lets himself smile.

“Yeah. Have fun singing to the kids. Don’t forget about me when you grow up and win a Grammy.”

This startles another laugh out of Mark, and Donghyuck stares at his canines. He makes everyone laugh all the time. No big deal here. “Of course,” Mark says. He looks like he wants to say more, but then the pastor is calling him over, so he slings his guitar around his body and waves at Donghyuck. “See you around!”

“See you!” Donghyuck yells, but Mark is already gone. The children are cheering and clapping happily as he sits down in the middle and starts to tune his guitar. His cheeks bunch up as he smiles sheepishly. A pretty girl from school sits next to him. Donghyuck looks down.

The stupid rosy elf is looking up at him, grin as big as ever. Quite mockingly, if you ask Donghyuck.

“Shut up,” he tells the cookie. It doesn’t respond.

He begins to walk back home as Mark starts to strum his guitar.

―

Winter break comes to an end, and school is back in session. It's still cold, but the bitter bite of the winter has become more forgiving. Donghyuck brings his padded jacket to school.

He stares at the back of Mark’s head in the one class they share together and chews on his pencil. Donghyuck is many things, sure, but none of them are stupid. Mark is nice. He has a nice face to look at. He has morals. He’s friendly to everyone. He’s caring. Too trusting.

So, maybe Donghyuck is a little infatuated.

It's never good to have a crush here, especially not on another boy. Donghyuck needs to get out of this dumb town as soon as he graduates, move out and go to university in Seoul, find a girlfriend, get a well-paying and steady job, maybe have some kids, retire, die peacefully. Rinse and repeat.

So then why is he thinking about Mark?

They’re not even friends, really. Sure, they’ve had their fair share of conversations and joked around before, but they’re not friends. They don’t hang out. They don’t operate within the same circles. Mark will move back to Canada one day, and by then Donghyuck will be long gone.

Mark somehow seems so permanent, though.

Today, Mark has decided to completely ruin Donghyuck’s life by joining the yearbook club.

Yearbook club is Donghyuck’s thing. It's been his thing since freshman year; not only does it look good on his university applications, but Donghyuck is a people person. He gets along with everyone, he knows how to make people laugh, he knows how to chat someone up. It's easy. And Donghyuck is happy when he makes others happy. Except, now-

“My mom said it would look good on my college applications,” Mark says way too cheerfully for 10am, stuffing his hands into his uniform pants. His hair is neater today. “I also just wanted another extracurricular. Soojin-ssi said that I could help with photography.” Then he smiles down at Donghyuck, who had been lounging on the teacher’s chair in the front of the room with his feet up, playing Kartrider on his phone before being rudely interrupted. He wasn’t embarrassed, no, the yearbook club gets a lot of work done and is a central part in school morale, mind you. He just needed a little break, is all.

“Cool!” Donghyuck chirps like he isn’t dying inside. He reaches out for a handshake and does not feel his heart skip a beat when their hands touch, thank you very much. “Welcome to yearbook club!”

“Thanks,” Mark answers, shoving his hand back into his pocket. “I had no idea you were a part of the yearbook club, man. Haven’t really seen you since the holiday festival. How have you been?”

Stop, Donghyuck thinks. First, Mark Lee has the audacity to ruin his life as he knows it. Then, he asks Donghyuck how he’s doing, like he cares. Like they’re friends. Evil.

“I’ve been great,” Donghyuck smiles with all of his teeth. “My mom’s out of town, so I’ve had my hands full with the kids, as well as finishing up the last of my university applications. Not to mention being the president of the yearbook club. I’ve been really tired.” He punctuates the end of his sentence with a yawn and puts his feet back up on the desk.

Mark laughs through his nose. “Yeah, you seem really busy,” he quips, gesturing around the room. Five boys in the back of the room are playing spitball, Soojin is applying mascara at a desk, the head writer is nowhere to be seen. Huh, Donghyuck thinks to himself. So he has some cheek after all. Just how Donghyuck likes ‘em. How typical of him.

“Hey!” Donghyuck leans forward, faking a pout. “We’re the heroes of this school. We’re pillars. Trailblazers. The work we do here, it’s thankless. We’re long-suffering. But it's worth it. Call me Mr. Rogers.”

Mark snorts and Soojin looks up from her handheld mirror. She perks up at the sight of Mark and waves. Mark waves back and grins at her. Hey! Donghyuck thinks. Continue to laugh at my joke. I’m hilarious.

Mark turns back to Donghyuck and his smile doesn’t falter. “I’m honored to be a part of this movement.” He remarks. “I’ll try to give my all!” And then the bastard salutes Donghyuck. He’s so lame. Donghyuck melts into a puddle of goop.

“Welcome to the team, Lieutenant Lee!”

Donghyuck is fucked, to say the least.

Okay, so, Mark is actually a good addition to the team, but you didn’t hear that from Donghyuck. He’s friendly, fits right in with the team, has a more than acceptable eye for lighting. He’s also surprisingly good at writing, which Donghyuck pointedly ignores, because he doesn’t care, not one bit. Unfortunately, working so closely with Mark during free periods and sometimes after school causes Donghyuck to learn even more about him and his little quirks. Like how Mark twists his mouth to the side when he’s thinking. And how he says ummm a lot. And how he claps and almost falls over when he finds something especially funny. And how-

“Lee Donghyuck!”

There are manicured fingers snapping in front of his face, and he blinks. Right, he’s having lunch with his friends. Everyone is staring at him like he’s grown another head.

“What?” he asks defensively, shoving a spoonful of rice into his mouth.

“You’ve been soooooo spaced out lately. It's, like, starting to get creepy.”

“Yeah,” Jun perks up. “We know you’re crazy, but not that crazy.” Alright. “What’s up with you lately, man? You look all floaty. The kids bothering you? You doin’ drugs?”

“Maybe he’s in love,” Haerin chirps, looking up from her sad cup of yogurt. Donghyuck scoffs. “I’m a busy man. I’m a bachelor! I don't need love right now,” he banters, but he’s sucking on his straw nervously. Has he really been that obvious? He doesn’t even stare at Mark anymore. Mostly.

“He’s bluffing! He has a crush!” Soojin points at him accusingly and smiles menacingly. “Who is it?!”

The table starts to get raucous with laughter, and everyone starts pushing him. “Yeah, who's the lucky girl?”

Ah, girl, Donghyuck thinks to himself. That was a good one. If only.

“I know, I’m so handsome that it's unbelievable that I don’t have a girlfriend.” Donghyuck puts his milk down and rests his chin on his palm. “I’m focusing on getting into university. And then I’m leaving all of you to rot here, while I become world famous and loved by millions.”

“Hey! What happened to being buddies for life?” Everyone breaks out into meaningless arguments and Donghyuck lets out a breath inwardly. He’s always been great at causing a diversion.

Had he really been that obvious? Obvious about what? The angel side of his brain exclaims. There’s nothing to be obvious about. Donghyuck agrees.

You mean, his big, gay crush on Mark Lee isn’t something that’s obvious? Even his friends noticed, the devil side of Donghyuck’s brain quips. Donghyuck huffs to himself, and shakes his head as if to rid himself of his thoughts.

He does not have a crush on Mark Lee.

―

Okay, maybe he has a tiny crush on Mark Lee.

It's miniscule. Barely even there. Nothing of any importance.

Except the fact that it's completely ruining Donghyuck’s life.

He doesn’t do crushes. Sure, he flirts with the occasional girl in the hallway, chats up the ahjumma at the convenience store to get free candy, even jokingly hits on his guy friends just to get on their nerves. But the last time he had a real crush was when he was sixteen, and she was two classes above him and barely looked his way. The last time he had a crush on a boy, well-

He doesn’t think about that too hard.

If he tries hard enough, he can even momentarily forget he’s also into men. Or at least, before Mark came shuffling into town with his really, really, really nice smile.

Donghyuck isn’t stupid. There is a 0.000000001% chance that Mark would ever be into him. Donghyuck has also already made up his mind that Mark does not swing that way, because Donghyuck is nothing if not a boy with a good eye for these things. He’s also half convinced that Soojin is in love with him.

And Soojin has a chance because she’s a girl, which Donghyuck is not. It's for the better, really.

“Which photo do you like better?”

Oh, right. Mark is here, sitting across from Donghyuck and looking at him with puppy eyes. Two people in the back are playing rock, paper, scissors. The heat on Donghyuck’s cheeks is definitely due to the school’s heater being turned up too high. He’s never been known as someone to space out. He needs to get himself together.

Across from him, Mark is showing him two photos of the debate club in Lightroom, deep in conversation. One is more clinical and neat, like the ones in university pamphlets. The other is more artsy and playful, and feels more warm. Normally, Donghyuck would approve the boring version to put into the yearbook; he knows how to please the adult staff. But a part of him wants the other picture to be presented. It's nice. It screams Mark.

“I like the hipster one,” Donghyuck says instead, looking at the Macbook instead of Mark. “It’s something different than what we usually do. I like it.” Donghyuck almost gives an awkward thumbs up and, Jesus, why does he internally clam up around the company of Mark Lee? Snap out of it, dumbass. Think of something cute. Puppies are cute.

Mark beams at him and nods excitedly. “I like that one too.”

“You’re a good photographer,” Donghyuck says and looks back down at his spreadsheet. He doesn’t see it, but he can feel Mark’s eyes boring holes into the top of his head.

“Thanks, man. I really like taking pictures,” he says, turning his laptop back towards himself and clicking around.

“That’ll look great on your university applications,” Donghyuck teases.

“I bet,” Mark agrees, stifling a yawn behind his fist. They fall into a companionable silence as they work separately; Soojin and her friends have started to play around with a paper fortune teller. Very busy.

“Do you wanna be a photographer?” Donghyuck finds himself asking, startling himself. Why is he asking Mark questions about himself? He’s better off knowing nothing about this boy. Lee Donghyuck may be confident, but inside his heart is delicate, and he needs to protect it. He won’t let Mark Lee stomp all over it with his Nikes because Donghyuck let himself want too much.

Mark seems startled by the question too, deep in his work. He looks up at Donghyuck with big eyes and there’s an inexplicable quirk to his lips.

“I’m undecided for now,” he starts, rubbing at his neck like he always does when he talks about himself. “I like to do a lot of things. I can’t decide what to tie myself down to just yet.” He pauses and leans back into his chair, button up shifting over his chest. “It’s always been my dream to be a writer,” he says quieter.

Great, Donghyuck thinks wordlessly. A jack of all trades.

“You have layers, Mark Lee,” he says, still staring down at his spreadsheet. If he’s being completely honest, he’s been staring a hole into a box on the paper instead of actually working. “Ya know, like an onion.”

Mark makes a questioning noise in the back of his throat. “I wanna be a singer,” Donghyuck ignores him, finally looking up and leaning back into the teacher’s chair he dragged in front of the student desks. He crosses his arms in front of himself and remarks cheekily, “I’m pretty talented.”

“I hear you humming a lot,” Mark says, before laughing unsurely and clearing his throat. “Did that sound creepy? I feel like that sounded creepy. I just meant- you know, since we’re around each other a lot lately, and it gets quiet in this room, you hum without realizing it. And I see you singing in the hallways sometimes. You have a nice voice.” His ears redden a little bit, or maybe that’s Donghyuck’s imagination.

Donghyuck preens.

He’s a bit of a sucker for praise. And hearing it come from his not-crush, sort of friend (Acquaintance? Co-worker?) is nice, to say the least. It's not because he likes Mark or anything crazy like that. He just likes validation.

“Thanks, Mark. I take vocal lessons downtown, you know. I’m kind of a big deal,” Donghyuck shrugs jokingly.

“Oh?” Mark questions, raising an eyebrow. “Don’t forget about me when you grow up and win a Grammy.”

Okay. Mark repeated something Donghyuck had joked in passing at the holiday party that ruined his life. He remembered what Donghyuck said. That’s fine.

Donghyuck laughs like his brain hasn’t just been set on fire. “I just might.”

―

So, Donghyuck finds out that Mark plans on going to a university in Canada.

That’s good. Mark will be gone after their first and only year together, and Donghyuck can focus on preparing to go to one of South Korea’s most prestigious universities, majoring in vocal performance. He’s got it all planned out.

Except, he sort of doesn’t want Mark to leave.

They had, unfortunately, gotten closer during their time at the yearbook club. Donghyuck knows his favorite color now. They say hi to each other every morning before class. Donghyuck has even slung an arm around Mark and pretended to choke him when he was feeling particularly stupid after lunch. That’s fine. That’s just what friends do.

Regrettably, they have become friends.

Donghyuck loves friends. He thrives in social situations. He lives off of human touch and being a moodmaker. He loves to cause trouble with his little siblings. If anything, he was a fool to think that he could ever stay away from Mark. It’s because Donghyuck is so irresistible and sociable, he can’t help but to make friends. That’s why.

So, said friend will be going back to Canada in a couple months. That’s fine. They don’t live in a prehistoric age, they can call. And text. Maybe facetime. That’s good. That’s normal. That doesn’t make Donghyuck’s heart sink down to his chest. He’s not an overly emotional person. He’ll survive.

He likes Mark Lee.

Donghyuck is an honest, no-bullshit person. He can admit this to himself. Nothing will change. The world will keep turning. Donghyuck will keep riding his bike to school and going to his vocal lessons and taking care of his siblings. He’s good at that. He’s content. He doesn’t need anything more. He just needs to focus on getting out of this place and moving onward to greater things in Seoul. He knows he’ll thrive there. He’s too good for this town, anyway.

The last dregs of winter melt into a pretty spring.

School will be out soon. Donghyuck’s last year of high school will be over. He’s happy about that. No more being tied down. The flowers bloom and the sun kisses Donghyuck’s skin.

Mark has decided that he will now tag along on Donghyuck’s daily bike commute to school. They pedal side to side, down the hill, across the bridge, into the bike ramps. Donghyuck mostly talks, and Mark listens. He’s a good listener. The wind always tousles his dark hair into wavy rings, and sometimes Donghyuck lags behind so he can stare at Mark’s back.

“What are you doing this summer before you go to Seoul?” Mark asks him one day when they’re riding back from school to their respective households. The wind is whipping in his hair and he squints into the road.

“I’ll probably get a summer job,” Donghyuck starts, staring down at his handlebars. “Make some money for my mom and the kids before I abandon them. I’ll keep most of it for myself though,” he jokes.

“You’re not abandoning them,” Mark says seriously, and looks over at him, eyes bright and earnest. “You’re chasing your dreams. I know they understand.”

Donghyuck nods and looks forward at the road, his voice suddenly caught in his throat. Mark and his soft heart and sensibility. Sometimes he's so sentimental, it scares Donghyuck.

“Thank you,” is all Donghyuck says quietly. He can’t find it in himself to joke right now.

They eventually make it to Mark’s house, Donghyuck living a little further down the hill.

“Do you wanna stay over for dinner?” Mark asks before Donghyuck can even come up with a one-liner to send him off. “My mom wants to meet the famous yearbook club president.”

“Oh,” Donghyuck says coolly. “Sure, I’ll text my mom.” He reaches for his phone.

“Cool,” Mark smiles at him.

Mark Lee’s house is very nice and homey. Donghyuck unabashedly examines the family pictures displayed in the foyer, grinning to himself. Mark was a cute baby.

So, Donghyuck does what he does best: he charms the pants off of Mark’s mother, tells her all about yearbook club, admires the interior design, compliments the food, (Mark’s mother had made kimchi jjigae, Donghyuck’s absolute favorite, and he makes sure to vocalize as such) and asks Mark’s father about his work and Canada. It's nice. Mark seems very pleased, if not a little bit embarrassed, and Donghyuck preens inwardly. It's like I’m meeting the parents, the caveman part of Donghyuck’s brain says. That’s not funny, the sensible side of his brain helpfully supplies.

Mark had gone upstairs earlier to change out of his school shirt into a blue sweatshirt, and he looks so … boyish. Cute. It's the fourth time Donghyuck has seen Mark out his school uniform. He doesn’t know why he’s keeping count. And Mark is sitting next to him. What boy, fast-approaching adulthood gets excited by the object of his infatuation simply sitting next to him? Maybe next time, we’ll even touch elbows, Donghyuck’s inner voice grumbles ruefully. Donghyuck eyes Mark through his peripheral vision. The lighting fixture above the dining table casts him in a warm, angelic glow. Or maybe Donghyuck is just being disgusting. Before he can dart his eyes away, Mark must feel eyes on him. He turns to Donghyuck while his parents start to discuss work. Donghyuck’s brain is pure static, and Mark smiles at him wordlessly, and it feels like a secret. Like it's just the two of them. He looks away.

Eventually, the sun starts to set after dishes have been cleared, and Donghyuck is delighting Mark’s parents and older brother with his extensive knowledge on Canada. Which is: moose. Maple syrup? Hockey. Snow, or something. Bacon that’s actually ham. Ryan Reynolds.

Everyone is laughing, and Mark leans into him as he lets out a hyena cackle. Pat yourself on the back, Lee Donghyuck. Bask in it.

“It was so nice to finally meet you, Donghyuck,” Mark’s mother says as she leads him to the doorway. “Thank you for making Mark feel at home here. It means a lot to us.” Mark’s eyes widen and he blinks at Donghyuck, making a funny face. Thank you for making Mark feel at home here, huh. “We’ll still be hearing from you even when we go back to Coquitlam, yes?”

“Of course,” Donghyuck says, ignoring the sinking feeling in his chest. “Mark is stuck with me.” He chances a glance at Mark, sticking his tongue out at him jokingly.

“Okaaaaaaay,” Mark declares like he always does when he’s uncomfortable. He grabs Donghyuck’s arm and looks pointedly at his mother. “I’ll walk him out, ma.”

Donghyuck is dragged gently out of the door and he waves animatedly at Mark’s mom. The door shuts behind them. Mark drops his arm, and Donghyuck misses the warmth.

“Dude,” Mark scrunches his nose and Donghyuck holds back a laugh. “You’re so embarrassing.”

Donghyuck reaches out to pinch Mark’s cheek teasingly, but Mark dodges his touch. If only Mark were a cuddle monster like Donghyuck.

“It’s what I do best!” Donghyuck chirps, but sighs inwardly. “Your parents are really great,” he says then, earnestly.

“Yeah,” Mark smiles softly and sentimentally. “Do you want me to walk you home?”

“Woah, take me to dinner first,” Donghyuck quips, and Mark chokes on air. He laughs nervously and Donghyuck eyes him curiously. “It’s just a joke, dummy.”

“I know!” Mark says, putting his hands up defensively. “I can walk home by myself. I’m a big boy,” Donghyuck says, changing the subject nonchalantly.

“Okay,” Mark says, finally looking at him again and smiles. “Text me when you get home!”

“You got it,” Donghyuck salutes, and walks over to his bike parked haphazardly near the garage. “See ya at school, Markie.”

“Markie?!”

“Bye, Mark!”

Donghyuck takes off down the hill without looking back. He can still feel Mark’s bony fingers wrapped around his forearm.

As he pedals against the spring breeze, he thinks to himself: Thank you for making Mark feel at home here.

―

Preparations for graduation come quickly. The weather is getting warmer, and Donghyuck and Mark see less of each other. And that’s fine. Donghyuck remembers that he’s not the only person in Mark’s life. He had friends before him, he has friends now, and he’ll have friends after him. Donghyuck tries not to give Kangmin, Mark’s best school friend, the evil eye during lunch. He’s not jealous. Because jealousy is for lame, insecure people, Donghyuck tells himself. And Donghyuck is not lame or insecure. He’s boisterous, he’s confident, he’s got a cute face and long legs. He’s not some puppy dog with abandonment issues. He’s secure.

He misses Mark.

It’s really dumb. It's ridiculous, in fact. Donghyuck cannot afford to miss anyone, especially since he’s hightailing his ass out of here and taking the first one-way ticket to Seoul after summer.

He’ll get over it soon, really. It's just puppy love. In fact, it's not even love at all. It's a silly little crush, if it can even be called that. Donghyuck is just bored and ready for college, he needed something to occupy his time, is all.

Two weeks before graduation, Mark invites him to one of his friend’s music gigs in the heart of town.

Donghyuck and Mark have hung out together before. Donghyuck’s favorite time was when he borrowed his younger brother’s skateboard and the two of them attempted to learn how to kickflip in the mall parking lot. The day ended with Donghyuck having giant scapes on both of his knees, and Mark laughing his ass off at his pain. Asshole.

Donghyuck smiles at the memory.

But here’s the thing. Donghyuck has hung out with Mark before. But never with Mark and his friends. Now, Donghyuck certainly isn’t socially inept. He knows how to turn up his charisma to 1000 and make sure everyone has a good time. But, being the petty person he is, he doesn’t want to bear witness to Mark’s harem. Especially not that one girl who’s always hitting his shoulder and laughing at every lame thing Mark says. Either Mark is friendzoning her hard, or completely oblivious.

Donghyuck agrees to tag along, because he likes music and he hasn’t had any time to talk to Mark recently outside of the last yearbook meetings of the year.

The gig is in some trendy, hipster-esque place way downtown. Donghyuck takes his mother’s car and feels like a proper adult.

He’s even wearing his nice jeans. But that doesn’t mean anything. He wants to make a good impression on Mark’s friends. He probably didn’t even have to try, though, he’s definitely already cooler than them.

When Donghyuck walks in, he looks around and spots Mark sitting at a booth to the left, holding a drink. Sitting next to him is the same girl always on his tail, along with Kangmin, the asshole, and some other people whose name’s Donghyuck never bothered to learn. Some girl on the stage in front is singing and playing the keyboard while the audience sings along. It's nice.

Donghyuck turns up his 100 watt smile and walks over to the booth.

“Hey, Donghyuck-ah!” Mark spots him first. He’s wearing that devastating smile, as usual, and his hair is out of his face. That’s fine. Everyone looks up at him and smiles, waving amicably.

“The Very Important Person is finally here!” Donghyuck says, sitting next to Mark Fangirl #99. She smells like cotton candy.

So, Donghyuck finally learns all of their names. Unfortunately, they’re nice. But who was Donghyuck fooling? Of course, Mark would surround himself with people as nice as him. He couldn’t help it if he tried. Donghyuck looks down.

After some small talk. Donghyuck starts to really bring out the big guns. Everyone is laughing and sharing drinks. Donghyuck and Mark make eye contact, and Donghyuck finds himself grinning from ear to ear. Mark’s friends like him. No big deal.

Mark’s friend, Sumi, eventually goes up on stage and performs an acoustic medley that really gets the crowd going. They all migrate to the front, and Mark is standing next to Donghyuck, yelling and clapping his hands loudly to cheer her on. The dark blue from the stage lights cast onto his face and sharpen his boyish features inside the dark of the venue. Lovely, Donghyuck thinks to himself. His brain doesn’t chastise him this time.

Sumi finishes her set and everyone goes wild. The crowd breaks out into applause and the stage lights dim, the warm overhead lights finally turning back off as she leaves the stage. Sumi was the last act of the night, and she seems very pleased with herself. Donghyuck likes her.

The night winds down and everyone goes home one by one. Kangmin wants to stick around, that bastard. But Donghyuck can’t find it in himself to actually hate the guy. They have a lot in common. They even hit it off, and the three of them start discussing music. Great, Donghyuck is just so likeable and easygoing, he accidentally made a new friend.

“I’m gonna head out,” Kangmin says some time later. The dive is now filled with the quiet buzz of chatter and clinking drinks, the sky outside rapidly getting darker. “Gotta get back to the boonies.”

Mark laughs and bids him goodbye. Donghyuck wants to be the only one to make Mark laugh.

And then there were two.

Now, Mark’s full attention is on him, and, oh, Donghyuck could get used to this. There his eyes are again. They’re sparkling in the light of the room, or maybe Donghyuck is being disgusting again.

“Your friends are really cool,” Donghyuck breaks the silence first. He leans his chin on his palm. “I’m cooler, though.”

“Maybe,” Mark laughs and when a waiter passes he orders another soda. Canada dry. Very on brand!

“No ‘maybe.’ It's just a cold hard fact.” Donghyuck leans back in the booth and resists the urge to scoot over to the side Mark is sitting on. “You’ll still talk to them in Coquitlam, yeah? Did I say that right? Co-quit-lam,” Donghyuck enunciates, and Mark laughs again. Good.

“You did great,” he nods. “And, well … I’ll keep in touch with Kangmin, for sure.”

Oh?

Donghyuck leans in and raises his eyebrows deviously. “What are you hiding?”

Mark laughs again, unsurely this time, and he does his classic neck rub move. Donghyuck frowns. Okay, maybe it's a little serious.

“What’s going on in that head of yours, Mark Lee?”

Mark looks down into his straw and his mouth is quirked down a little. Donghyuck does not want to kiss him.

“I don’t know, I- I guess I just feel like, y’know, some of it’s not genuine.”

Donghyuck urges him on. “Some of what’s not genuine?”

“Like…” Mark stops himself with a frown, and Donghyuck can tell that this is one of those times where his mouth is trying to catch up to his brain: he has too much to say, but doesn’t know exactly how to say it. Donghyuck waits.

“When I first came here, everyone was watching me, because I’m foreign and like, it's not that often that new faces pop up here. And the attention was kinda weird at first. Everyone kept asking me about home, about my father’s work, if I had a lot of money, if I’ve ever seen a moose- that last one was kinda funny. But, anyway, it kinda made me feel like a … zoo animal, y’know. And sometimes it feels like people are taking advantage of me. I’m not stupid.”

“I know you’re not stupid, Mark.” Donghyuck had been holding his breath for a while there. Mark nods and continues.

“You and Kangmin are the only ones who never made me feel … uneasy. Even with some of the people I hang out with now, there are some things that make me uncomfortable.”

“But you’re too nice to say anything,” Donghyuck finishes for him. Mark’s eyebrows furrow and Donghyuck wants to smooth the lines away with the pad of his thumb. “Am not,” he mutters.

“You are,” Donghyuck says. “But that’s okay. You’re nice, you know. You care about others and take their feelings into account. You’re thoughtful. Just kind. I would bully you, but it's a good thing.” Mark looks at him, wide-eyed, and Donghyuck continues, because he needs Mark to know that he’s good. In a non-joking way.

“You should cut out people like that from your life. I did notice, yeah, that a lot of people were talking about you and gossiping and ogling, because to these bumpkins, you’re like a national landmark.” Mark huffs out a laugh. “But you’re more than just that cute new boy from that one place in Canada I already forgot how to pronounce.” A small smile. “You’re a good person, Mark. And no one will be able to take that from you. And you don’t deserve to be treated like some dumb animal in some smelly zoo. You’re more than what you seem. When you go back home, you don’t have to look back. Your time here was just another chapter to your story, yeah? Onto bigger and better things.”

I don’t know where all that came from, Donghyuck thinks. He sips at his drink nervously. We didn’t even drink alcohol. Jesus.

Mark is blinking at him. Maybe he said too much.

“You’re more than what you seem, too,” Mark finally says.

Donghyuck’s eyebrows raise again, and Mark continues. “You’re very confident. And you pretend like you don’t care sometimes, but I can tell you do. You’re caring, too.”

It’s Donghyuck’s turn to blink. “You’ve got me all figured out, huh?”

Mark shakes his head. “Actually you’re kind of mysterious. I’ve just barely scratched the surface.”

Donghyuck barks out a laugh and the atmosphere lightens a bit. “Handsome, talented, and mysterious? I’ve got it all, huh.”

“Yeah,” is all Mark says. “And … thanks for what you said. Earlier. After my ramble. It was … really nice of you. Thank you.” Mark’s ears are burning but he looks earnestly into Donghyuck’s eyes.

“Of course,” Donghyuck replies, voice almost getting caught in his throat. “I meant what I said. About you having layers. You really are like an onion. With a face.”

Mark cackles and looks at Donghyuck like he’s crazy. “Man, you say some crazy stuff. You got that from Shrek, huh.”

Donghyuck feigns shock and puts a hand on his chest. “How did you know? I’m an avid Shrek enjoyer.”

“The second one is the best,” Mark says, like he knows Donghyuck will agree.

“Mark Lee, we are going to be lifelong friends."

―

One week before graduation, Donghyuck’s mother insists that Mark comes over to their house for dinner.

“You’re always together, and I’ve only met the boy three times!” she says, sweeping up stale cracker crumbs off the kitchen floor.

“We’re not always together,” Donghyuck denies, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge. “But sure, I’ll ask him.”

“Oh, maybe his mother can come along too. I would love to have some girl talk. You know, Hyuckie-yah, so many of the ladies here have sticks up their butts, I just can’t have a conversation with them.” His mother tsks and puts the broom back in the pantry, sighing to herself. “Don’t be like them when you grow up, okay?

Donghyuck holds back a laugh. “Okay, mom.”

Mark Lee ends up coming over for dinner, with his mother in tow.

Mark Lee is in his house, that’s fine. Donghyuck can deal with that. It's no big deal.

Donghyuck’s mother had sent the kids over to the nice girl two blocks away who babysits for them sometimes. She didn’t want them to be a nuisance, she said. Good, Donghyuck thinks. I don’t need those brats embarrassing me in front of Mark and his mom.

So, Donghyuck discovers that his mother has prepared a whole feast. “Why don’t you cook like this when it's just us?” he jokes. His mother tsks and grabs at his ear. “Hey, don’t trash talk me in front of our guests!”

Everyone laughs and the night kicks off without a hitch. Their mothers hit it off. Too well.

“Donghyuck was such a cute kid,” his mother says, definitely trying to embarrass him. “Such a handful, though.”

“I was an angel,” Donghyuck says, grabbing a piece of lettuce.

“Sure, honey,” she placates. “Mark, you’re a lovely boy,” she says, turning to him. Mark smiles sheepishly. “Rub some of that angelic personality onto Hyuckie here, alright?”

Mark laughs and looks at Donghyuck, who’s definitely not pouting. “I’ll try my best.”

They eventually start to discuss summer plans. Mark is heading back to Coquitlam two weeks before his classes start. At least I have some more time with this asshole, Donghyuck thinks. Mark’s parents aren’t going to stay with him, much to his mother’s dismay. “We’re dropping him off, and then we have to come back here to finish up business. He’s all grown up,” Mark’s mother says, pinching at his cheek. Donghyuck smirks.

“Hyuckie here leaves for Seoul around the same time. Ah, I don’t wanna let him go. But also, I need some me time!” Donghyuck glares at her with no bite. “Really, though, we’ve always been together. And now he’s gonna be all alone, away from his mama. I’m gonna miss him.”

“Ew, ma,” Donghyuck says, but inside his heart melts to goop.

“You guys are lovely. You know, me and Mark love Seoul,” Mark’s mother says. “It reminds me of Toronto, a bit.”

“Oh, I’ve only been once, but it was absolutely lovely. You know, Hyuckie is going over there for a week this summer so that he can move some things into his apartment early. I’m trusting him to go all alone!” She fakes a sob and Donghyuck side-eyes her.

“I am a perfectly capable adult,” Donghyuck pouts. Mark snorts under his breath, and Donghyuck sends him a threatening gaze, mouthing “What?” The ladies are paying them no mind.

“Oh, you poor thing. I’m still not ready to send Mark off to Coquitlam by himself, either. And Hyuckie is gonna be all alone! Our boys are really growing up, huh?” Both Mark and Donghyuck grimace. “Okaaaaaay,” Mark says.

“Time for dessert!” Donghyuck’s mother declares. Donghyuck shoves a tea cookie into his mouth. “You know what would be incredible, if Hyuckie and Mark could go to Seoul together. Someone needs to keep watch over my boy!”

“Oh!” Mark’s mother perks up and turns to Donghyuck. “Sweetie, it wouldn’t be fair for you to have to move all of your stuff by yourself, huh? Markie here can help you!”

Donghyuck’s brain falls out of his head and into his lap.

“Oh, no, no, that won’t be necessary, Mrs. Lee,” Donghyuck says coolly, but finds himself panicking. “Mark should enjoy his last summer here-”

“Don’t be silly, Donghyuck-ah!” The evil woman who gave birth to him turns to Mark and his mother. “Now, that is just a wonderful idea. You boys are always together and helpin’ each other out, it's perfect. If that’s okay with you, of course, Mark.”

Mark’s eyes are as wide as Donghyuck’s, but he doesn’t look like he’s dying on the inside. “Oh, that would be, dope!” He stops himself and smiles sheepishly. “I mean, that would be awesome, Mrs. Lee. I’ve been dying to get back to Seoul before going back home.”

Mark, Donghyuck thinks. What are you doing? Stop ruining my life. Do you hate me? Is it because I make fun of you too much? I swear, I’ll never make fun of you again in my life, just don’t do thi-

“What do you think, Hyuck-ah?” His mother is looking at him expectantly.

Lee Donghyuck does not back down from a fight.

“Sounds great!” Donghyuck chirps, ignoring the urge to puke up the pork he had eaten just thirty minutes before his life ended. “Like I said before, Mark is stuck with me, anyway,” He teases and puts on his award-winning smile. Fuck you, Mark.

“Oh, wonderful!” Mark’s mother exclaims. “This will be such great life experience for the both of you, yes?” She turns to Donghyuck’s mother, and, jeez, why do they like each other so much already? Donghyuck gulps quietly. “Love, let’s talk ticket prices!”

The table is cleared, and their mothers go to huddle on the couch in the living room with some wine, looking like a pair of lifelong friends. Donghyuck takes Mark upstairs to his room to leave the two to conspire and scheme Donghyuck’s downfall.

Mark Lee is in his room.

Donghyuck’s hands start to sweat and he feels like a blushing virgin. Get it together. Don’t let this loser get in your head.

“Yo, sick!” Mark blurts out when he steps inside, admiring all of the posters on his walls. “Thriller was one of the first albums I illegally downloaded onto my iPod.”

Donghyuck giggles, fucking giggles, and clears his throat. He just got something stuck in his throat, actually. “I didn’t take you for a criminal.”

“I have layers, remember?” He won’t let Donghyuck live that down, will he?

Donghyuck shows him his music collection, and they argue over which Epik High album is the best. Donghyuck even momentarily forgets about his impending doom.

Mark ends up sitting on his bed, and Donghyuck sits criss-cross applesauce on his spinning chair in front of his desk.

“Are you scared to start university?” Mark asks suddenly, after their bickering has died down and all that can be heard is the hum of the AC and quiet chatter downstairs.

“Of course not, Donghyuck lies. “I’m not scared of anything.”

Mark fixes him with a stony glare and Donghyuck deflates a bit. “Okay, maybe a little. But not scared, just … nervous. Anticipating. Seoul is gonna be really different, and I’ve been here with mom and the kids all my life.”

Mark nods along, and Donghyuck is sure he really understands.

“That’s normal,” he starts. “Everyone feels nervous before a big change. It just shows that you’re a human, and not the robot you pretend to be sometimes.”

Donghyuck scoffs offendedly. “Robot?”

“I already told you, I got you all figured out.” Mark leans back on his palms, and Donghyuck ignores the sliver of collarbone comes into view. “You don’t have to put on a brave face all the time, Donghyuck-ah,” he says, quieter.

Donghyuck doesn’t say anything. He looks at Mark, on his bed. His messy dark hair, his cheek mole, his big eyes. The cross around his neck.

“I guess,” Donghyuck finally says. He doesn’t want to talk about it. He feels exposed in front of Mark. Transparent. Or maybe, Mark is the only person who ever bothered to look at Donghyuck past his surface level.

“You do that a lot.”

“What?”

“You avoid talking about serious stuff a lot,” Mark rubs behind his ear. “I don’t wanna make you uncomfortable-”

“You’re not,” Donghyuck interrupts. “You bring me back down to Earth. Thank you.”

Donghyuck avoids Mark’s gaze and looks at a young BoA staring at him from over his bed instead.

Before Mark can say anything, Donghyuck’s mother is calling them downstairs.

“We got the train tickets!” she exclaims, pulling Donghyuck in for a painful side-hug/noogie. “You know that your Ara noona was going to let you stay at her loft, and she has tons of space, so Mark can sleep in the guest room. Oh, the stars are aligning! Hyuck, if you see a wallet on the ground soon, don’t return it. Just take it and run. Good things are coming for our family.”

“Great,” Donghyuck says, not even bothering to pretend to be excited. He’s having a Mark Lee Overdose. She doesn’t notice, and they begin to fuss over them again.

“Donghyuck has helped Mark settle in so well,” Mark’s mother says fondly. She ruffles Mark’s hair and now he looks like an embarrassed poodle. Then she says, seriously, “I’m glad you guys have each other. I’m glad we can return this favor. And I’m glad that you’ll be together for this big step. We’re so excited for you, Donghyuck! You’ll need all the help you can get, huh?”

Donghyuck smiles weakly, and meets eyes with Mark.

So, he’ll spend a week with Mark in Seoul. Alone. They’re just doing college stuff, it's fine.

Lee Donghyuck is not a coward.

―

Okay, maybe he’s a little bit of a coward.

It's been a whole day since the Lee mothers ruined his life, but it's only just now setting in.

Donghyuck has known Mark for almost a year. This should be no big deal. Except, there’s one small thing.

He’s hopelessly in like with Mark.

None of his crushes have ever lasted this long. Donghyuck had wrongly assumed that he would eventually get bored, that Mark’s appeal would wear off and he’d turn into some ordinary boy.

Well, he is an ordinary boy. Maybe that’s why Donghyuck likes him so much. Mark never pretends to be something he isn’t. He’s honest, goofy but earnest, and very, devastatingly talented. He puts his mind to everything he does. He gives his all to his family and his community.

Donghyuck stares at himself in the mirror and pauses.

This is bad.

The time on his phone reads 11:30pm. Everyone has gone to bed.

He opens his window and sneaks out.

He ends up at Mark’s house. He doesn’t know why. Or maybe he does.

There’s a tall tree on the side of the Lee household. Donghyuck climbs it precariously, foot slipping on a branch, Donghyuck almost eating shit. I’m too young to die, Donghyuck thinks. He eventually makes it to the top, and he can see Mark through his bedroom window. He’s awake, hunched over his desk with a pair of headphones on, examining something on his laptop. Donghyuck smiles.

He steps over onto the windowsill and knocks on the window quietly. Mark doesn’t notice.

Alright, Donghyuck has seen enough movies to know how this goes. He makes his way back down the tree, carefully this time, and gathers some rocks up from the ground. Round 2!

He steps on the windowsill, and pitches the biggest rock he found at the window.

Mark’s head snaps up from his laptop and he looks around, alarmed. Then, he finally sees Donghyuck and he looks completely dumbfounded.

He hurries over to his window and lifts it up. “Dude, what are you doing here?” he whisper-yells.

“Don’t dude me,” Donghyuck mocks. “Let me in.”

Mark reaches out his hand and pulls Donghyuck in. Donghyuck no longer freaks out when their hands touch. That’s good.

“Nice room,” he says.

“You’ve been in here before,” Mark says flatly.

Donghyuck raises his hands defensively. “Just making conversation!”

“What are you doing here? You could’ve broken my window,” Mark frowns.

“But I didn’t, right? Small victories.” Donghyuck sits down on Mark’s bed. It smells like him.

Mark sits back down in his desk chair and puts his headphones around his neck. Donghyuck knows he’s not really mad. “What’s up?”

“Just wanted to see my favorite Canadian!”

“I’m the only Canadian you know.”

“True.”

Donghyuck leans back and makes himself comfortable on Mark’s bed. He cranes his head up at the baby blue ceiling and exhales. Why did he come here?”

“Are you scared to go to university?” Donghyuck asks the same question Mark had asked him a day before. Mark reaches around to close his laptop shut, and looks at Donghyuck again.

“I’m not sure? I’ll be in my home country again, so that’s nice.” Mark nibbles at his bottom lip with his teeth, and Donghyuck wants to make him stop. “I’ll miss my parents, of course. But they’ll come back eventually. I’m … happy. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, so I’m not gonna take it for granted. If that makes sense.”

“You don’t make sense most of the time, Mark Lee.” He huffs defensively and Donghyuck smiles. “But, I get what you’re saying. I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks, man.”

Donghyuck is so bro-zoned.

“I’m a little scared, though,” Mark pipes up, crossing his arms over his chest and looking down. “But, I guess that’s normal.”

“Yeah,” Donghyuck smiles, and he feels lighter. “We can be scared together.”

“Yeah,” Mark echoes, and he looks at Donghyuck determinedly. “We can be scared together.”

Chapter Text

“The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, they are felt with the heart.” Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

―

Graduation day finally comes.

Donghyuck is not an overly-sentimental person; he’ll definitely miss his friends, but he knows that they’re just one call away, and he’ll be able to visit them often.

Everyone else, however, is destroyed.

Jiyeon, class president and valedictorian, is sobbing all of her mascara off. She gives a beautiful speech about growing up, and Donghyuck smiles when they throw their caps up into the air. A couple seats away from him, Mark meets his eye and smiles. Donghyuck is happy. He did it. They did it.

He doesn’t talk to Mark after the ceremony. Normally, he would be petty, but, given the fact that he’s soon going to be stuck with Mark Lee, alone, for an entire week, all he feels is relief.

Mark is whisked away by his adoring family and his annoying sort-of friends, and Donghyuck feels happy for him.

His mother makes sure to take him and the kids to the fanciest restaurant in all of town (Can we even afford this? Donghyuck had asked while eyeing the menu wearily) and he makes sure to order a gigantic steak. You only live once. Here’s to living.

His mother lets him taste her wine, and he thinks to himself: I could get used to this adult stuff.

When he gets home, he immediately starts packing for Seoul. If he’s going to be stuck with Mark for a week, he’s going to be prepared. He folds more clothes than he ever has in his life. Packs the essentials. Makes sure the pick up truck people will be bringing his stuff to the apartment on time. Looks up cool places to go in Seoul. Freaks out at the prospect of seeing Mark without a uniform everyday. Rinse and repeat.

Okay, he can do this.

“Are you packed?” Donghyuck asks Mark over the phone, sitting on top of his suitcase to close it.

“Yo, I like, don’t even know what to bring,” Mark starts. “I’m so excited. We should totally go to Lotte World.”

“Deal,” Donghyuck says, flopping onto the floor when he finally succeeds in closing his luggage. “Don’t forget to bring a toothbrush,” he nags, just because he can.

“Okay, mom.”

The train ride to Seoul is two hours, and Donghyuck spends most of it annoying Mark because he can.

“Maaaaaark,” he whines, grabbing his arm and laying his head on his shoulder. “I’m hungry. Get me a snack?”

“Did your legs all of a sudden stop working?” Mark questions, trying to squirm out of Donghyuck’s death grip.

“Yes,” Donghyuck says. “I have a condition.”

“Is it called laziness?”

“Hey!” Donghyuck smacks his arm and lets him go. “You’re so mean to me. And after everything I’ve done for you? I’m going to Seoul by myself.” He huffs and crosses his arms over his chest, snooting his nose up to the other side dramatically.

“Dude, we’re already on the train.”

“Dude, I don’t care.” Donghyuck turns his back to Mark and hears him let out a long-suffering sigh.

“Okay, I’ll go see what they have.”

Mark leaves and comes back with a handful of snacks, giving Donghyuck the evil eye.

“Mark,” Donghyuck starts, tearing open a bag of chocolate Home Run Balls, “Have I ever told you that you’re the most amazing, most talented, most handsome person I’ve ever met?”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Mark waves him off, putting in his Airpods and tuning Donghyuck out, looking out of his window.

(What he doesn’t know is that Donghyuck means every word.)

―

So, Seoul is gorgeous.

The last time Donghyuck had been here, he was ten years old. His younger brother was scared of the skyscrapers falling on top of him. Donghyuck remembers staring down at the Han River with his tiny body, and feeling like he was on top of the world. He always vowed to come back. Years later, he’s here.

With Mark, nonetheless.

Ara noona’s apartment is nice and homey. She’s always at work, so he and Mark are alone again. With her tiny Maltese dog named Milk.

“Milkie!” Donghyuck exclaims when they step inside, immediately dropping his luggage to embrace the dog and almost tripping Mark to death.

“Shit!” Mark shrieks, doing everything he can not to fall flat on his face. “Dude, you almost killed me.”

“You’ve grown so much since the last time I saw you on Facetime!” Donghyuck coos, stroking her head. Arf, she responds.

“Oh, dang, your cousin has a dog?”

“Yes, Mark, this is Milk, Milk, this is Mark. You guys basically have the same name!”

“Uh, no we don’t.”

“Just say hi!” Donghyuck picks her up and drops her into Mark’s arms, and he immediately melts.

“Aw, man, she’s so cute!” he shrieks, and he sounds like a 5 year old. Cute. Milk licks his cheek and he laughs loudly.

“It’s good that she likes you, otherwise I would’ve had to kill you,” Donghyuck says dramatically.

“I’m very likeable,” Mark says distantly, barely paying attention to Donghyuck as he bounces Milk in his arms. “Right, Milk?”

For fuck’s sake, Donghyuck thinks. I’m in love with a loser.

Wait. Love?

That can’t be right. Donghyuck gasps, panics, and runs away into the kitchen. Mark is looking at his back confusedly, but Donghyuck can’t see him.

“I call dibs on the snacks in her fridge!”

―

Eventually they unpack, (or, attempt to) and settle in. Donghyuck needs to go outside. Right now.

“Let’s go to Myeongdong!”

“Dude, we just got here,” Mark says, sprawled on the living room couch and still panting from carrying Donghyuck’s enormous suitcase up the stairs. “I’m tired. Seriously, did you pack a dead body in there?”

“That’s none of your business,” Donghyuck says, helping himself to a bowl of grapes Ara left on the counter. “I’m starving. Aren’t you starving? C’monnn, let’s go eat some street food.”

Mark groans dramatically and rests his head on the couch. “You’re just gonna make me pay for everything.”

“Not true!”

“So when we tried that burger place last month, you actually forgot to bring your wallet?”

“The past shouldn’t be dwelled on, Mark. Let’s go!”

He sprints toward Mark and grabs his arm, dragging him upstairs. “But first, we need to take showers. We smell.”

After they’ve gotten all freshened up, they take a cab down to Myeongdong, (which Donghyuck pays for, thank you very much.) It's evening now, and both of them are marveling at the bright lights of the city, streets alive with people shopping and street vendors. There’s a busker outside covering a Blackpink song, and Donghyuck rolls his window down and cheers and whistles at him.

“Dude,” Mark starts, laughing his haha laugh, “You’re so embarrassing.”

“Dude,” Donghyuck parrots back, “You love it.”

Once they’re in the center of Myeongdong, Donghyuck immediately starts hunting for food.

“Oh. My. God.” he says, walking ahead of Mark next to a fish cake vendor. “In my stomach. Now.”

They end up sharing a shit ton of fish cakes and sweet potatoes and Donghyuck makes funny sounds just to make Mark laugh.

“Selfie,” Donghyuck says suddenly, pulling out his phone. “Let’s remember this moment.”

With the streetlights shining above them and the orange sun setting behind, Mark slings his arm around Donghyuck’s neck and smiles with all of his teeth into the camera.

“Say ‘Cheese!’” Donghyuck yells, and smiles with all of his teeth too.

Donghyuck brings his phone down to his lap and melts. “We look so cute,” Donghyuck says matter-of-factly.

“Yeah,” Mark agrees, wiping his hands on a napkin. He points ahead. “Let’s go into that music store.”

Mark Lee fits right into a music store, Donghyuck finds out.

There’s vinyls, old school tapes, CDs, and turntables. Tons of musicians and singers are on the white walls, and Donghyuck smiles. Mark is in his own world, looking through vinyls and gasping and talking to himself. Nerd, Donghyuck thinks affectionately.

Donghyuck buys him a record, because he is nothing if not a giving and caring guy.

“This is so dope,” Mark says some time later, walking alongside Donghyuck with 50,000 different things in his hands. They had gone a little crazy. But that’s what being young is about, right?

“You know what would make it better,” Donghyuck says in between bites of a Melona, “Karaoke!”

Mark pays this time.

“Okay,” he says, stepping into their rented room, “This is crazy.”

“Me first!” Donghyuck shoves him playfully out of the way and flops onto the leather couch, immediately browsing through the music catalogue.

“This one goes out to you, Mark Lee,” he says as he stands up and dramatically belts a romantic ballad while pointing at Mark. He cackles the entire time, and cheers loudly when he’s done.

“Go, Donghyuck!” he screeches, and Donghyuck curtsies.

“Your turn, nerd.”

“Oh, man,” Mark says, looking at the screen with bright eyes. “This takes me back.”

He begins to scream the lyrics to an old Bruno Mars classic, purposefully off key and Donghyuck is having the time of his life. He hops up off of the couch and slings an arm around Mark’s neck, shouting the lyrics with him.

I never want it to end, Donghyuck thinks.

An hour and a half later, they’re thoroughly karaoked out, so they decide to call it a night and take a cab home.

“I’m pooped, man,” Mark says before plopping onto the sidewalk, waiting for a cab. The sky is black now, and Donghyuck sits next to him and crosses his legs on the sidewalk.

“Must be the old age.”

“Hey!” Mark yells with no bite and slaps his arm. “I’m in my prime.” A couple crossing the streets looks at them quizzically, but Donghyuck doesn’t care, doesn't care about anything except this.

“I had fun,” Donghyuck says, trying not to sound sappy. “Thanks for spending the day with me.” He looks into Mark’s eyes. “I think I need to file for bankruptcy.”

Mark throws his head back and laughs, and all Donghyuck can think is, loser.

(He loves him.)

When they get back to the apartment, Ara is there, hair messy and pouring herself a ginormous glass of wine.

“Hyuckie-yah!” she exclaims, putting down her glass on the island and running over to squeeze the living daylights out of Donghyuck. She smells like overpriced alcohol and perfume. “Ah, you’ve grown up so well. The last time I saw you, you were like a centimeter tall!” She pulls him back by his arms and examines him. “Well, you’re kinda still a centimeter tall.”

“Hey!” Donghyuck asserts, and he can hear Mark in the background trying to cover up his laugh with a cough. “I’m literally six feet tall.”

“Okay, kiddo,” she says, ruffling his head. Then she turns her attention towards Mark, and Donghyuck braces himself for the worst.

“And if it isn’t the famous Mark Lee!” she exclaims, pushing Donghyuck out of the way. Mark starts to bow but she pulls him in for a hug, too. “I’ve heard so much about you.”

Donghyuck blanches. “From who?!”

“Who else but your mother, silly?” she says as she examines Mark in the same way she did Donghyuck seconds ago. “You’re so handsome. Donghyuck’s mom absolutely adores you.” Mark flushes and laughs, embarrassed. “Ha, thank you, Ara-ssi.” He bows with her hands still deadlocked onto his arms and she waves him off. “You can call me noona,” she chirps, anchoring her chin towards Donghyuck who watches in disbelief. “Thank you for offering to help Hyuckie get all of his furniture and stuff settled in. You know, I told that brat to just live on campus, but he’s such a contrarian.” Donghyuck starts to protest, but she pays him no mind and smiles at Mark. “Sweetie, are you hungry?”

Donghyuck pipes up. “Noona, it's 12am in the morning.”

“It’s never too late- or, well, early, to eat!” She hurries off and rummages through her fridge, which Donghyuck definitely remembers being empty, save for some grapes and a can of beer. “Noona, you don’t even cook.”

“Huh,” she says, scratching her head like she just remembered. “I guess not. Time for take out!”

“Oh, that’s okay,” Mark says, “We ate in Myeongdong.”

“Hey, Myeongdong! I love it over there. I go and shop till I drop at least once a month. Ah, I wish I could’ve gone with you guys, but work is kicking my ass lately,” she tsks, and runs a hand through her long black hair. “Ah, anyway, don’t worry, Mark-ah, it's my treat!”

“But we already ate,” Donghyuck starts, looking over at Mark who seems to be overwhelmed but also impressed with his cousin’s straightforwardness.

“And you’ll eat again! Look at you boys, so skinny. Mmmm, I’m feeling pizza right now. Pizza, is that good?”

So the three of them end up in Ara’s living room, lounging like alleycats and watching Goblin re-runs. There is definitely too much pizza for three people. Ara lets them have the couch, and she leans back in her recliner, holding a box of tissues.

“Everyone in your family is ....very interesting,” Mark whispers politely when Ara falls asleep after 2 episodes. She hasn’t even taken off her makeup yet, Donghyuck tsks. The clock on the wall reads 2am.

“Yeah,” Donghyuck agrees, reaching to take the remote out of her manicured hand and switching the TV to Netflix. “Now you see where I get it from,” he grins, and Mark’s eyes look starry in the dark light of the room.

“Yeah,’ Mark smiles. “I do.”

―

When Donghyuck comes to, he has a terrible ache in his neck.

He opens his eyes blearily and shields his face from the sunlight filtering through the living room window’s blinds. The clock reads 10am.

“Ugh,” he groans, sitting up on the couch. He’s still in his clothes from yesterday, now wrinkled and crumpled all over. He turns to his left, and Mark is laying in a position that does not look comfortable, holding one of Ara’s fluffy pillows to his chest. His mouth his slightly open, and he breathes peacefully.

On the other side of the room, Ara is snoring softly in her recliner, still holding the box of tissues on her lap. Donghyuck smiles fondly.

He decides to let them sleep a little bit more and gets up to brush his teeth. Despite staying up all night and barely getting any sleep, he feels more refreshed than he has in a while. He finds that he misses his family and friends, but the change of scenery has done him well. It's new. It's exciting. It's scary.

We can be scared together. He smiles.

After he gets freshened up and puts on some new clothes, he pads into the kitchen and looks around Ara’s scarce cabinets. He finds a pot and a pan, and walks into the living room, banging them together.

“Rise and shine, everyone!” He shouts, and Mark shoots up from the couch like he’s been tased. Ara, on the other hand, is dead to the world.

He walks over to her recliner. “Noona, wake up!” he yells even louder, and she groans groggily and finally opens her eyes a bit. Her hair is a bird’s nest, and she yawns loudly. “Hey, could you keep it down?! Hey, I have neighbors. If I get an eviction notice, I’ll hide your body where no one can find it!” her eyes widen and she grabs the collar of Donghyuck’s sweatshirt violently.

“You can’t kill me, I’m too cute!”

Mark makes a sleepy noise from the couch, and he finally looks like he knows his name and where he is. “W’time is’it?” he slurs, rubbing at his eyes with his fists.

“10:29 am, look alive! Today is the big day. We have to meet the pick up truck guys in 2 hours,” Donghyuck chirps, and he reaches over to ruffle Mark’s ridiculously tangled hair. Mark is too tired to slap away his hand, and he revels in it.

“Okay. ‘M gonna shower.” He wobbles onto unsteady feet and cracks his back. Donghyuck does not look at the sliver of skin that shows when his hoodie rides up. “Good morning, noona,” he bows to Ara, who is still half asleep, and she yawns in return.

“Do you wanna go to Lotte World after we’re done?” Donghyuck asks later, and turns to Mark as they stick posters all over Donghyuck’s apartment bedroom.

Mark’s eyes visibly brighten and he kneels back onto the bed. “Hell yeah! Oh, man, I haven’t been there since I was eleven.” Donghyuck can imagine his imaginary tail wagging.

“‘Kay,” Donghyuck drawls, flopping onto the bed beside mark. He’s bone tired, but he’ll do anything to see Mark smile.

Mar flops down beside him and pulls out his phone. “Are you tired? We still have five days, we can go another day.” He peers curiously over the screen at Donghyuck, who has his eyes half closed, and Donghyuck suppresses the urge to smile at his attentiveness.

“There’s nothing I can’t do, Mark Lee. You should know this about me by now.” The blood in Donghyuck’s body roars in his ears. Mark is lying next to him. In a bed. That’s fine. To Mark, they’re just bros hanging. Doing bro things. Being bros. Donghyuck is okay with that.

“You’re right,” Mark says, and Donghyuck looks up at him. He’s looking at his phone again, and Donghyuck lets himself trace the outline of his jaw, the slight curl of his hair, the mole on his cheek and on his throat.

Donghyuck sighs.

―

Lotte World is outrageous. Donghyuck loves it.

Now, all thanks to the nosiness, well-meaning fussiness, and lovingkindness of his own mother, Donghyuck has not one, not two, but three whole photos of Mark riding a carousel, looking like an excited little kid. In the last one, Donghyuck caught him mid-laugh, so it's his favorite. Thank you, ma, He thinks to himself. I’ll break you off a piece when I’m rich and famous. He sends a kiss to the sky, and hopes she can feel it.

“Dude, this is sick,” Mark says around a mouthful of bingsu after they’re done riding everything. “I feel like a kid again.”

“I knew you were an old man,” Donghyuck chides, stealing the cup of bingsu from him and taking a bite. Mark whines in disgust.

“If I’m old, you’re old too,” he says, snatching the cup back from Donghyuck and taking another bite. Indirect kiss, Donghyuck’s caveman brain thinks.

“We can be old together,” Donghyuck says, and then burps.

“Ew!” Mark yells, and smacks him on the back. “In public?!”

“I can’t control my bodily functions! If you gotta burp, you gotta burp.”

Mark throws his head back and cackles like a hyena, and a concerned mother looks at them curiously. Donghyuck is happy.

“Let’s get matching headbands like Weightlifting Fairy,” Donghyuck says, pulling Mark into the gift shop.

“Dude,” Mark starts. “You’re crazy.”

And yet Mark ends up with a giraffe headband on his head.

“Put mine on for me,” Donghyuck demands, sitting on the bench outside of the gift shop. Mark blanches and then sits down next to him, taking the bunny ears from Donghyuck and placing them gently atop his head.

His face is really close to mine, Donghyuck thinks dumbly. Mark isn't even looking at him, sticking his tongue out in concentration, very preoccupied with making sure the bunny ears are placed perfectly on his head. He smells like laundry and the mint chewing gum he had just popped into his mouth.

If this were a drama, you would kiss, Donghyuck’s brain supplies. Shut up, Donghyuck thinks lamely. Mark brushes a stray strand of dark hair out of Donghyuck’s face and Donghyuck’s brain malfunctions at the gentle brush of his fingertips against his forehead.

“Let’s take a picture!” Donghyuck blurts out, turning away from Mark and his touch and his dumb puppy eyes. He snatches his phone out of his jeans pocket. “We look ridiculous,” Mark says, snorting at Donghyuck’s phone camera. His ears are bright red.

“Ridiculously cute,” Donghyuck admonishes. “Say cheese!”

Some time after, the sun starts to set, and they’re all Lotte World-ed out. The sky is a pretty orange-pink.

“I had so much fun,” Mark says when they exit, clapping his hands excitedly. “We gotta go again, sometime. If- if you want.”

Again. Mark wants there to be a next time.

Donghyuck smiles. “I’d like that.”

They end up in an empty park that overlooks the river, because Donghyuck doesn’t want to go back to the apartment just yet. He plops down under a gigantic tree, the branches reaching gracefully over his head. Mark sits next to him, slinging his backpack onto the ground beneath him. He removes his headband and gently places it on top.

“The sunset is really pretty,” Mark says. Donghyuck is only looking at Mark.

“Yeah, really pretty,” Donghyuck whispers softly.

The sky has turned even more pink, and the swirling clouds above look like cotton candy.

It's silent for a while, and Donghyuck lets his brain turn off for once, listening to the gentle roll of the river and the soft summer breeze.

“I’ll miss you when I go back to Coquitlam,” Mark says, barely a whisper, and for a moment Donghyuck isn’t sure he was meant to hear it.

“I’ll miss you too,” Donghyuck murmurs. “I’ll make sure to bother you everyday, and visit you as much as I can. I wanna try Tim Horton’s.” A small laugh. “And you can come visit me too.”

“Yeah.” Mark turns to him, and he’s smiling. There’s something in his eyes that Donghyuck can’t quite place. The pink of the evening illuminates him in a warm glow, and his dark hair is curled into wisps on his forehead.

Donghyuck leans forward and kisses him.

Mark immediately freezes against him, and Donghyuck flinches backwards like he’s been slapped.

“Sorry.” Donghyuck panics. Mark is staring at him blankly, and he almost starts to hyperventilate. “Sorry. I shouldn't have- shit. I’m sorry.”

Mark leans forward and kisses him again.

He’s gentle, and his lips are soft. He tastes like bingsu and mint. Sweet. Donghyuck gasps against his mouth and melts into the kiss. Mark is gentle, very gentle. Like everything else he does. It's okay. Donghyuck thinks. Take whatever you want. Donghyuck swipes his tongue against Mark’s bottom lip, and Mark leans closer until their chests are touching. All Donghyuck can feel is Mark, Mark Mark. He grasps at the nape of Donghyuck’s neck carefully, and Donghyuck grabs at his wrist to keep from drowning.

When they part, Mark is flushed from his cheeks all the way down to his neck, and Donghyuck pants.

Oh. “Oh,” Donghyuck whispers.

Mark is avoiding his gaze, gawking at the grass like he’s about to explode into pieces.

“I didn’t know you liked boys,” Donghyuck blurts out, finally finding his voice. How romantic.

“Neither did I,” Mark mutters, and Donghyuck accidentally cackles before slapping a hand over his mouth.

“Why are you laughing at me?” Mark pouts down at the grass again. Donghyuck can hear the gears turning in his head. “You’re the first. The first boy I …. I don't know. You … you make me feel ... all funny. Inside.” Donghyuck's heart rattles in his ribcage. “When I met you, I knew I … I felt something different.” Then Mark pauses. I didn’t know you … liked boys either,” he says in a hush.

“Yeah, no one knows,” Donghyuck snorts, finally coming back to Earth piece by piece, molecule by molecule. “I'm sure you can imagine why.”

Mark is silent for a long time, and for one mortifying moment, Donghyuck thinks he’s scared him away. Maybe he was just experimenting. Maybe he just felt bad for Donghyuck. Maybe Donghyuck is dreaming.

“I don’t think any kind of love can be wrong,” Mark finally says quietly. He’s still looking down at his knees, but the pink on his cheeks has mostly faded.

Donghyuck stares at his profile, and it's his turn to be silent for a while.

“That’s very poetic of you,” Donghyuck speaks up, but inside his body, his heart is about to beat out of his chest all the way down into the river.

Mark laughs a little and finally looks up at Donghyuck. He looks a little scared, but his eyes are sparkling, determined. I don't think any kind of love can be wrong, Mark had said.

Neither does Donghyuck.

Chapter Text

“But if you come at just any time, I shall never know at what hour my heart is to be ready to greet you.” Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

―

Something is off. Here Donghyuck was, feeling on top of the world after the first coming of age rom-com moment of his young life. Now:

Mark is acting strange.

After they got back home from Lotte World, he bowed curtly to Ara and then went straight to the guest room without another word. Weird, Donghyuck thinks, but he’s too high off of the night’s events to worry about it too much.

The day after, Mark won’t look at him.

They go to a food market with Ara because Donghyuck wants to try 10,000 different dishes. He tries to meet Mark’s gaze from across the table, but Mark is looking down at his noodles like they hold the secrets of the universe. Donghyuck tries not to look visibly pissed and shoves a ball of rice into his mouth.

Whenever Donghyuck tries to touch him playfully, teasing in his nature, Mark flinches unconsciously like he’s been burned and pushes away. Away, away, away.

Their week in Seoul comes to a close, and the weather gets even more oppressive as they leave. All Donghyuck feels is cold. This is what happens when you let yourself want. He should know better.

They have not discussed the kiss. Donghyuck is fine with that.

It has been approximately 119 hours, 23 minutes, and 50 seconds since they kissed. Not that Donghyuck is counting or anything like that. Ara must have spiked one of his drinks with her overpriced alcohol, because there’s no way in hell (or heaven) Mark would even kiss Donghyuck. It was definitely some sort of fever dream. He’s so tragically in love with Mark that it’s started to shrink his brain capacity.

“Donghyuck-ah,” Mark says, waving a ringed hand in front of his face. “You good?”

No, Donghyuck grumbles to himself. He wants to slap the living daylights out of Mark. Or kiss him. Feelings are confusing.

“You’ve been acting weird for the past couple of days,” Mark says nervously, looking down and scratching at the back of his neck predictably.

“Have I?” Donghyuck feigns ignorance, leaning back onto the cold train station seating. Mark is across from him, wearing that stupid red hoodie Donghyuck wants to throw into a dumpster fire because it makes him look so cute. “Didn’t notice.”

“Are you- are you … mad at me?” Mark asks, and he has the nerve to look up and look sheepish.

Donghyuck immediately wants to melt and coo at him just to get on his nerves and embarrass him in public, but he holds his resolve.

“Was it a joke?” Donghyuck says after a minute of silence, and his voice comes out quieter than intended. “That stuff you said- about me, was it just in the heat of the moment? Do you not ... like me?”

Lee Donghyuck rarely lets himself be vulnerable, especially in front of other people. His whole life has been practice, training for the real world, him hardening from the reality of the world around him. (His classmate getting made fun of for crying in middle school, for not being a man. His friend calling the skinny new kid all kinds of names under the sun because he looked “gay,” and everyone laughing along with him. His mother being spoken about by half of the town behind her back for ever daring to exist as a single mother, his favorite cousin deleting his number after Donghyuck was starting to figure out he also looked at boys that way-)

“I like you,” Mark whispers under his breath, and looks down at his lap. His hair is messy again. “A lot.” People in the station whip past him, on their phones, checking tickets, slumped over from tiredness. Donghyuck is only looking at Mark. He’s always only looking at Mark.

Maybe Mark is always only looking at Donghyuck, too.

“Oh,” Donghyuck breathes out dumbly. His heart is doing somersaults inside of his ribcage, and the chill of the station seems to get even colder.

‘I know I was acting weird, after, after Lotte World. I just … had to get my feelings in order.” He finally looks back up to Donghyuck, and his eyes are wide. “There’s a lot to think about, you know.”

“Yeah,” Donghyuck exhales. He feels frozen in his seat, but he also can’t get over what Mark had just said. I like you. A lot.

“I’m sorry for being weird. I should’ve taken your feelings into account.” Mark pauses. “We’re both gonna be busy,” he says, picking at his nails unconsciously. “I’ll be in Coquitlam and you’ll be here. We’ll be doing our own things, you know?”

“Yeah,” Donghyuck repeats. Yeah, that’s all he can say right now. Mark is turning him down. He’s been preparing for this moment. He ignores the panic rising hotly in his chest and nods. Right.

“But…” Mark continues, and he stops himself. He lets out a heavy breath and looks directly into Donghyuck’s eyes. “I wanna be with you.”

Donghyuck blinks.

“I thought a lot about … my family. What they would think. What my friends would think. What I think. And I just … can’t bring myself to believe that we’re in the wrong.” He pauses, looking emotional for a split second before his solemn expression is replaced with an amused heaviness. He looks tired. But he smiles, and it reaches his eyes. “I know it won’t be easy, and we’ll probably never be able to-to tell everyone, and I know we’re gonna be far apart, but. I like you, and I guess you like me. And sometimes, that might be enough, right?”

Donghyuck lets out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding.

He’s silent for a while, but Mark doesn’t look scared. He looks like his thoughts are running a thousand miles a minute. “Yes,” Donghyuck breathes out.

Mark startles like he’s forgotten Donghyuck was in front of him. “Yes?”

“I do,” Donghyuck jokes, and Mark turns red as a chili pepper.

“Dude-”

“I can’t believe you’re dude-zoning me after confessing. No wonder I thought you were only into girls,” Donghyuck tsks, leaning back into his seat, feeling lighter than he has in years.

“Hey! This is all new to me, okay?” Mark sputters, sinking into his seat.

“I bet,” Donghyuck starts, but then he sees Mark’s puppy dog eyes and decides not to tease him too much. “It won’t be easy,” he says instead, looking down at his sneakers.

“Yeah.”

“But ... I wanna be with you too.”

And Mark looks at him like he’s just burst into a ball of flames. “Why do you look so shocked?” Donghyuck questions. “I was the one who shoved my tongue down your throat.”

Mark chokes on a breath and looks around, but no one is paying them any mind, preoccupied with their own lives. “Du- Donghyuck-ah!”

“I love it when you actually say my name,” Donghyuck jokes, but it's not a joke. He loves the way Mark speaks, loves the way he says his name, loves the way he is. Loves him.

“Not funny,” Mark deadpans, finally sitting back up.

“Come visit me a lot,” Donghyuck ignores him, leaning forward. Facetime me. Tell me about university. Send me a picture of your Tim Horton’s orders. If you see a moose, call me, okay?”

Mark laughs and there go his canines. Donghyuck pats himself on the back. “I will,” Mark says, and Donghyuck knows he will. “Me, too. Come visit me, too.”

“Oh, I will,” Donghyuck says smirking. “Canada will be my second home. You’re gonna get sick of me.”

Mark grins at him, and Donghyuck is okay. It’s okay.

“Can’t wait.”

―

The train ride back home is nice and peaceful, but Donghyuck feels like dynamite about to be set off.

Mark wants to be with him, whatever that means. What the fuck? Donghyuck is not one to panic. But sitting beside Mark on the train, who is listening to his music and in his own little world, Donghyuck feels nervous. Since when had he become such a loser?

Mark wants to be with him.

Of course he does, the angel side of his brain says. You’re good for each other. It’ll all work out. Donghyuck agrees. He may say that now, but he’s going off to another country. Surely, he’ll get bored and there’ll be tons of girls to fuck around with, and he’ll forget about you, the devil side of his brain says. Shut up, Donghyuck thinks numbly.

Donghyuck feels something land on his knee, and looks down to see Mark’s right hand. On his knee. That’s fine.

You always have the best timing, Mark Lee, Donghyuck says to himself. As if he heard his internal monologue, Mark squeezes his knee like he’s saying, “I’m here.” He lets go. Donghyuck immediately misses the warmth.

When Donghyuck gets back home, his mother smothers him in kisses and almost suffocates him to death with a bone-crushing hug.

“Oh, Hyuckie-yah, it's been so lonely without you. The kids are making my hair turn gray. Look! I look like an even older Cruella.”

Donghyuck laughs as he puts down his luggage. He loves Seoul, but it's good to be back home.

She asks him all about the trip, about how Ara noona is doing, if Milk still pees on the floor all the time. He missed her.

Two days later, Donghyuck decides on a whim to get a job at a local ice cream shop for some extra money. It's always been his dream to wear a cheesy uniform. Another check on his bucket list.

One of his coworker’s, Hayoung, is nice and pretends she doesn’t see Donghyuck sneaking ice cream to the storage freezer to taste. She even lets him take home leftover milkshakes.

And then Mark. That asshole. He comes into the shop every week to pester Donghyuck, even brings along stupid Kangmin sometimes, and they talk during Donghyuck’s breaks. He even gives them extra free samples (without permission.)

One day, after a long shift, Donghyuck gets a text.

Canada

meet me at the park in 30

are you gonna murder me? Donghyuck texts back, and he’s smiling goofily. His coworkers are looking at him in confusion and mild disgust, but Donghyuck is preoccupied with his phone.

Canada

maybe haha

Donghyuck laughs giddily, and slaps his hand over his mouth.

“Get back to work or get out of here!” his manager scolds, and he scurries to the back to get his things.

The summer heat is sweltering, and Donghyuck’s t-shirt clings to his back. He spots Mark at the park on the swings, looking like an overgrown child. He’s talking to some woman and petting her big dog, and Donghyuck smiles.

“Hey, loser,” Donghyuck walks up to him and waves. He waited for Mark to finish his conversation with the lady (and the dog) because he’s very attentive and nice and most definitely not at all jealous of other people occupying Mark’s time. He’s cool like that.

“Donghyuck-ah!” Mark physically brightens at the sight of him and Donghyuck’s heart skips a beat. Mark pats the swing next to him, and Donghyuck obliges.

“So, what is it?” Are you breaking up with me? Donghyuck’s brain jokes. Wait. Are they dating? Are they still friends/co-workers/graduates? Technically speaking, they’re … friends who have kissed once and also been in the same bed for some reason. Would it be counter-productive to call Mark his … boyfriend?

“What are you thinking about?”

Mark is looking at him with genuine concern in his eyes, head tilted to the side. The sun is beating down on them, and Donghyuck yearns for something that seems unattainable.

“Why did you ask me to come here?” Donghyuck says instead, angling his body towards Mark.

Donghyuck can see him visibly perk up and Mark starts bouncing excitedly. “Dude. I mean, Donghyuck. Let’s go to Homigot.”

“The sunrise place?” Donghyuck questions. “That’s a couple hours away.”

“Yeah! I have my license, we can take a day trip.” Mark pauses and has the gall to look sheepish. “I mean, if you want.”

And Mark is a fool to ever think Donghyuck would deny him.

“Sounds great!”

Okay, another trip with Mark. That’s fine. It is, because they’ve been to first base together, and Donghyuck isn’t a coward, and it's just a trip, for Christ’s sake.

That weekend, Donghyuck puts on his nicest outfit, definitely not to impress Mark, and even runs his hands through his hair a couple times instead of going outside with bedhead. It's just a part of growing up, really.

He walks over to Mark’s house and rings the doorbell, wiping imaginary sweat off of his hands and onto his jeans.

“Good afternoon, Donghyuck-ah,” Mark says and then stops. “You, uh, look really nice,” he says, rubbing his hand on the back of his neck and smiling sheepishly.

“I know,” Donghyuck responds, pretending he isn’t about to burst into a ball of flames. “Let me say hi to mother.”

“Hey, she’s my mom!”

Donghyuck pushes past Mark, and he brushes his hand on Mark’s bare arm accidentally-on-purpose.

“Donghyuck-ah!” Mark’s mother brightens when he enters the kitchen. She squeezes him in a death grip. “It’s so good to see you again. Did you settle in nicely in Seoul?”

“I did!” Donghyuck exclaims as Mark enters the kitchen after him. “Mark really helped a lot,” he coos, and Mark glares at him with no malice.

“Oh, I’m so glad. Markie told me all about Myeongdong and Lotte World and the river, I wish I could’ve tagged along.” She takes off her apron and starts making herself a cup of coffee. “Anywho, I heard you guys are taking a day trip to Homigot, yes?”

“Yep!” Donghyuck chirps. “Mark is a really sentimental guy.”

“Alright,” Mark interrupts, grabbing Donghyuck’s shoulder. His palm is warm. “We should get going, now!”

“Oh, Homigot is so romantic. Markie’s future girlfriend will be so lucky, huh Donghyuck-ah?”

“He’s certainly the romantic type,” Donghyuck nods along, tuning out the word girlfriend to stop his brain from sizzling.

“Okaaaaay, bye, Mom!”

Mark leads Donghyuck to the garage with an iron grip and they get into his mother’s Kia.

“I hate you,” Mark says, starting up the car and backing out of the garage.

“Sure you do,'' Donghyuck says, relaxing against the window and kicking up his feet onto the dashboard.

“Hey, this is my mom’s car!”

“She’ll never have to know,” Donghyuck yawns, fishing out his sunglasses. “Turn on some music.”

So, for the entirety of the almost 4 hour commute, they blast BoA’s discography, singing (well, screeching) along to the lyrics and Donghyuck attempting to do choreography in his seat. They almost crash three times.

By the time they get there, the sun has just begun to set.

“Look, it's one of Sangsaeng’s Hands,” Mark points somewhere in the distance, and Donghyuck sees the famous hand sculpture in the middle of the sea, reaching up toward the heavens. There’s a seagull perched on each finger.

“It’s gorgeous,” Donghyuck replies, and Mark lifts up his camera to take a picture.

“Let’s get closer, so I can take a picture of you.”

Donghyuck smirks. “I am pretty photogenic.”

“You are,” Mark replies, and without another word, he walks away across the sunrise square.

“Say ‘Cheese!’” Mark yells, the breeze from the sea whipping in his hair. Donghyuck stands right before the edge of the sea with the hand and the orange sunset in the background, and throws up a peace sign. “Mark Lee!” he yells instead, dragging out the ee, so he’s smiling widely. Mark cackles, caught off guard as he presses the shutter. The picture comes out a little blurry. Donghyuck loves it.

Mark sits down on the rock below them, and Donghyuck follows his lead and settles beside him.

“The sunset is so pretty,” Mark marvels, and it really is. The sky is a gradient painting of blue and orange, and the hand turns black as the sky darkens. Donghyuck turns to Mark, and his face is aglow with the last dull orange rays of sun before nighttime. His lips are curled up at the edges, and Donghyuck can tell that his romantic brain is waxing poetic about the colors. Maybe he’ll write a poem about this moment in university. Donghyuck scoots closer to him and stays quiet, letting him stay lost in the moment.

“We don’t know what's gonna happen, Donghyuck-ah,” Mark suddenly pipes up quietly. Donghyuck can feel the warmth radiating from him. “But I guess that’s okay. I have faith that things will work out the way they’re meant to.” He turns to Donghyuck, and his brown eyes seem to be twinkling.

Donghyuck nods thoughtfully, Mark always knowing the right thing to say, even if he doesn’t realize it. Donghyuck leans his head on his shoulder and closes his eyes. Maybe, Mark will teach him how to have faith.

―

Donghyuck gets back home at 10pm.

Everyone is already sleeping, so he shuts the front door quietly behind him and goes up to his room.

He jumps onto his bed and promptly screams into his pillow.

Okay, so, maybe Mark does sort of have an effect on him. Him and Donghyuck hang out all the time. It's no big deal. Except, it's completely a big deal because this feels different.

Perhaps, because they’re kind-of dating. And that’s fine.

He jumps up and paces around his room like a madman, his BoA poster watching him with judgemental eyes.

Donghyuck doesn’t know where he should go from here.

He’s an easy-going guy. Everyone knows this about him. But never as easy-going as Mark. Must be the Canada. In fact, Donghyuck can even be high-strung when he doesn’t want to, just like his mother. And right now, he’s on edge.

Mark had really come and turned his world upside down, making Donghyuck question everything he knew to be true. Or, thought he knew.

It's time for some soul searching.

Donghyuck calls up his old friend Hemi, who had moved out of town to Seoul once she graduated high school.

“Hyuckie-yah!” she squeals, her pixelated face grinning over Facetime. “It’s been a hot minute. How have you been? How’re the kids?”

“They’re good. Me, on the other hand …”

“Oh, no,” she says immediately, noticing his desperation and sits up. “Talk to me.”

Donghyuck tells her all about the past year, Mark showing up, yearbook club, the church incident that ruined his life, Mark’s family, Seoul, and Homigot. He even tells her about the time he snuck into Mark’s room at night, because Donghyuck is nothing if not an avid storyteller.

“Wow,” Hemi says when he’s finished ranting, and he’s slightly out of breath. “You’re in love with him, huh?”

Donghyuck sputters and debates slamming his laptop shut out of pettiness. But he’s tired of pretending, has been pretending his whole life.

“I guess,” he grumbles.

“So, ask him to be your boyfriend!”

“That’s easy for you to say,” Donghyuck yawns. “Everyone thinks you and Sewon-ssi are just “really good friends.”

“Hey!” She raises her fist toward the camera and bares her teeth at him. “We are really good friends. We just happen to also kiss each other.”

“Uh huh.”

“It’s definitely easier in Seoul.” Hemi continues. “People are a bit more accepting, ya know? And, my mom even calls me sometimes, now. You remember how mad she was when I told her everything? It got better.” Her eyes soften and she looks down wistfully. “You can’t let the world get in the way of what you want, Donghyuck-ah,” she whispers.

Donghyuck sighs and looks to the side, his throat suddenly feeling dry. “I guess.”

“This isn’t about your mom, or your friends, or even BoA behind you.” Donghyuck laughs. “It’s about you. You’re the author of your own life. You have to live for yourself. You have to live well. You don’t wanna go around pretending to be someone you’re not, like I did.” She sighs and looks off to the side. “Sewon-ah taught me that. Listen to me, Lee Donghyuck. Everything will fall into place.”

Donghyuck sniffles, feeling a little emotional. Christ. “You sound like Mark.”

“He must be pretty amazing, then,” she smiles kindly. “Just follow your heart, okay?”

“Okay.”

She pats Donghyuck’s head through the screen, and they hang up.

Just follow your heart.

―

The next week, Donghyuck drags Mark to the mall, because he needs to get away from his siblings, who have been extra loud ever since they started their summer break. He’s had a permanent headache for the past three days.

“And then, my brother stole my old iPod. I mean, that’s basically an ancient artifact now. And he just took it with his snotty little fingers!”

Mark giggles, shoving his hands into his pockets and trailing alongside Donghyuck. He’s wearing a blue beanie, and he looks devastatingly cute and Donghyuck wants to trip him into the fountain.

“You can have mine,” Mark says, and he sounds serious. “But if the police show up at your door saying something about ‘pirated music,’ I can’t save you.” Donghyuck laughs, and leans into him before he can even realize it. Gross.

Before he can reply, something catches Donghyuck’s eye. “Look, a photobooth! Let’s go.” He drags Mark along, and they sit inside the cramped booth. Their thighs are touching, and Donghyuck feels like a blushing virgin again. Get it together, loser, he thinks to himself.

“Say Mark Lee!”

They take a ton of photos, and Mark ends up almost falling out of the booth from laughter because of how ridiculous they look. Donghyuck is very satisfied with himself.

“I like this one,” Mark says when they leave, pointing to a photo of them looking at each other, mid-laughter. Donghyuck likes it, too.

“Take this one,” Donghyuck hands it to him, and puts the other copy into his wallet. “For safekeeping,” he says at Mark’s incredulous look. Mark just laughs.

Afterwards, they go to Donghyuck’s favorite kimchi house. Donghyuck stuffs his face with food to stop his thoughts from racing.

“And, then, I was like- Donghyuck-ah, are you okay?” Mark looks at him quizzically over his cup.

“Do you think snakes have feelings?” Donghyuck blurts out.

Mark cackles. “What?”

“Do you think snakes have feelings- like, emotions.”

“Uh, I dunno man, I’m not a snakeologist.” Mark puts his cup down and raises an eyebrow. “Are you okay?”

He decides to be honest. “Mark Lee, I am completely falling apart.”

Mark frowns deeply and leans forward, and Donghyuck curses inwardly at his attentiveness. “What’s wrong? Is it something I did?”

“Don’t be so narcissistic,” Donghyuck waves him off. Then he sighs. “The future is kind of scary, isn’t it?”

Donghyuck can see Mark’s eyes register in understanding, and he leans back. “It is,” he says earnestly. “Is the powerful and unshakeable Donghyuck feeling fear?”

“Yeah,” Donghyuck whines petulantly and violently stabs at his beef with his chopsticks. “So what? I’m only human. And, I’m still amazing.”

“Yeah,” Mark nods along, and sets his chopsticks down. “What’s wrong? Tell me?”

(And Mark is a fool to ever think Donghyuck would deny him.)

Despite the warning bells sounding off in his head, Donghyuck indulges him with his real thoughts. Let’s his guard down a bit. Gets closer.

He tells Mark his feelings about going to Seoul by himself, how he’s been in this same town all of his life, how he’s fucking terrified to leave his mother alone, how he feels confident but there are just some things he doesn’t want to go after. Doesn’t want to want. (He doesn’t specify what.)

“Donghyuck-ah,” Mark says after listening to his ramble intensely. “You’re so silly.”

“Huh?!” Donghyuck blanches, and crosses his arms petulantly. “I spill my guts to you, open my heart, and you call me silly?”

“No,” Mark shakes his head and his hair ruffles against his forehead, revealing his eyebrows. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

“How did you mean it, then?”

“You don’t … see yourself like I do,” Mark starts, looking straight into his eyes, clawing uncomfortably into Donghyuck’s skin. “You’re confident, yeah. You’re capable. And you know that, but sometimes you have your doubts. And that’s normal. But … nothing is too big for you, Donghyuck. You’re strong. Determined. Very stubborn.” A whine from Donghyuck. “I know you can do it. And I think you know you can do it too, but you’re preparing yourself for the worst, just in case. Why is that?”

Mark tilts his head, and Donghyuck considers his question. Why? He’s been disappointed his whole life. By family, by friends, by that one bird who shit on him after he got off from work. Lee Donghyuck may be confident, but inside his heart is delicate, and he needs to protect it.

“Just trying to be realistic, I guess. A lot of people don't even make it out of this town, you know.”

“That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try,” Mark prods gently. “I know you can do it.”

Donghyuck nods and takes a deep breath.

“Mark, will you be my boyfriend?”

Mark’s eyes widen into saucers and he blinks rapidly. Donghyuck doesn’t let himself panic, just breathes in and out patiently. Follow your heart.

“Oh,” Mark says quietly. “Oh,” he says, louder this time. and he’s not looking at Donghyuck, face on fire. “Sure. Of course, I will.”

Of course, he will.

Chapter Text

“You — you alone — will have the stars as no one else has them. In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night … you — only you — will have stars that can laugh.” Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

―

It's true what they say: time flies when you’re having fun.

Mark is going back to Canada in one week.

Donghyuck has felt like a mourning housewife all week.

Him and Mark spend as much time as they can together, but it won't be enough for Donghyuck. But it's okay. Mark has taught him to have faith.

Six days before Mark goes back to Canada, he texts Donghyuck to meet him at the park.

“I got these for you,” Mark says sheepishly, and holds out a bouquet of beautiful sunflowers. The sun is setting behind him, and Donghyuck realizes he likes Mark the best like this.

“They’re so beautiful,” Donghyuck breathes, accepting the flowers from Mark’s outstretched hands. He’s never been given flowers before. Hell, he’s never even given anyone flowers before. What a romantic.

“I remember one time your mom said you’re like a sunflower,” Mark scratches the back of his neck. “They face the sun. Anyway, this is super embarrassing, so don’t look at me like that.”

Donghyuck hugs him.

Mark smells like laundry again, and Donghyuck buries his nose into his neck.

“Thank you,” Donghyuck says. “For everything.”

Mark wraps his hand around Donghyuck’s back and laughs breathily. “Of course. Now, can you let me go, I can’t feel my spine.”

Donghyuck reluctantly lets go and brings the bouquet up to his face. “Where are you taking me?”

“Only the finest dining establishment in all of South Korea,” Mark starts. “The kimchi house.”

Donghyuck laughs heartily. “You really know the way to my heart.”

So they go back to Donghyuck’s favorite place, and Mark tells him to order whatever he wants.

“Is this a date?” Donghyuck jokes, shoving a piece of kimchi into his mouth.

Mark considers his question for a second, ears reddening, and nods. “Yeah. I guess it is.”

Donghyuck’s heart drops out of his ass.

“Oh,” Donghyuck says.

“Do you not want it to be?”

“Are you still questioning if I really like you, even after all this time? You’re silly.”

“Sorry,” Mark apologizes for some reason. “I haven’t… really liked anyone in a while. Don’t wanna mess it up.”

“Mark Lee,” Donghyuck says, bringing his hand up to his heart dramatically. “You like me?”

Mark gives him a deadpan stare and Donghyuck almost chokes on his food from laughter.

“I’m sorry,” he says as Mark gives a petulant whine. “It’s fun to tease you.”

“I get that a lot,” Mark grumbles.

Donghyuck feels light. He feels okay.

Later that day, he insists on helping Mark pack his carry-on luggage for his flight back to Canada. To be helpful, of course, but also because he’s gonna miss Mark. A lot.

“You already dress like a university boy,” Donghyuck says from Mark’s bedroom floor, folding one of his 1,000 hoodies. “You’ll fit right in.”

Mark laughs and shoves some shoes into his suitcase haphazardly. “I guess so. I’m so pumped, man. I really missed home. It's been a great experience living here, though. And … meeting you made it easier.” He shoves his laptop charger into his luggage next.

“You’re doing it all wrong, geez, give me that.” Donghyuck snatches the charger away from Mark who doesn't even put up a fight, and instead leans back onto his hands and watches Donghyuck.

“I’m glad I could make the big move easier for you,” Donghyuck says earnestly, focusing on organizing the suitcase instead of looking at Mark. “I’m amazing like that.”

“Yeah,” he hears Mark agree, and he almost blushes. “You know, I was sorta scared of you at first.”

Donghyuck blanches and finally looks up at Mark disbelievingly. “Scared?!”

“Yeah!” Mark laughs.

“But … why,” Donghyuck frowns petulantly. “I’m adorable.”

“You’re kinda loud,” Mark scrunches up his nose, and Donghyuck throws a shoe at him. “Ow!” he yelps, rubbing his arm. “That hurt.”

“It was deserved.”

“As I was saying,” Mark continues, unperturbed. “I dunno, you just had … this really big presence, I guess. It was overwhelming. Everyone liked you, and I thought I was fucked because for a couple months I thought you hated me?”

Oh, Donghyuck thinks, flustered. So, as he had come to realize, Mark was way more perceptive than he led on. Might as well rip off this bandage.

“It’s because I thought you were cute,” Donghyuck answers calmly, folding a t-shirt. He hears Mark choke, and he looks at him teasingly. “It really annoyed me.”

“Wha-” Mark starts and cuts himself off. One day, his face is going to explode from the blood that’s always rushing to it. “Why?!

“‘Cause I didn’t feel like having a crush on a boy,” Donghyuck shrugs, moving onto Mark’s pants. “And everyone was so in love with you cause you were shiny and new, maybe I was also jealous of the attention everyone was giving you. But that was the old me. I’m so mature and wise beyond my years now.”

Mark seems to process this information, sort of stunned. “Wait, how long have you had a crush on me?”

“So that’s what you got from that? You really are so self-centered, Mark Lee,” Donghyuck tsks sarcastically, but wants to give him an answer and thinks back.

“It was on Christmas eve,” Donghyuck says softly, sitting back on his heels. “When I realized, I mean.”

“Oh,” Mark says gently, and he smiles a little bit. “I remember that day. I was kinda bummed you didn’t stay for the bonfire.”

Donghyuck rolls his lips to hold back a smile and clears his throat. “I left ‘cause I wanted to kick you really badly.”

“Huh?!”

“‘Cause, that’s when I knew I liked you. And then one of your fangirls started flirting with you, and I was like, ‘I gotta get outta here.’ Gross.” Donghyuck shivers at the memory. Except he had gotten to meet the fangirl in question months later, and she was a very lovely girl. But still, Donghyuck knows nothing if not how to hold a grudge.

Mark cocks his head to the side and laughs disbelievingly. “Fangirl?”

“Yejin-ssi,” Donghyuck clarifies, getting back to work. “She’s been in love with you ever since you got here.”

“Huh? No, dude, no she hasn’t.”

“You know, for a smart person you can be pretty dumb sometimes, Mark.”

“Hey!” Mark yells, and it's his turn to throw a shoe at Donghyuck’s head. “You’re so mean.”

“Yejin wants to have your babies,” Donghyuck ignores him, and Mark makes a disgusted noise in the back of his throat. “Yejin and Mark, sittin’ in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!”

“Shut up!” Mark yells, but he’s falling over from laughter. “Dude, did she really have a crush on me, though?”

“Anyone with eyes noticed, Mark.”

“Daaaang,” Mark says, and Donghyuck can see the gears turning in his head. “You know, I had a thing for Soojin for like a week.”

Donghyuck pretends to throw up and gags. “GROSS!”

Mark cackles and falls over onto Donghyuck.

―

Four days before Mark goes back home, Mark’s mother throws him a going away party, much to Mark’s chagrin.

Donghyuck, is all for it; in fact, he was the one who planted the idea into Mrs. Lee’s head. (Mark doesn’t need to know.) Donghyuck decides to help out and makes sure to stock up on party hats, noisemakers, banners, candles, and balloons. Mrs. Lee tells him that he should become a wedding planner.

“Put it on, you’ll look cute,” Donghyuck says, wrestling a party hat onto Mark’s head before he can resist. “See? You look adorable! And now we match!” Donghyuck says, obnoxiously planting a loud kiss on Mark’s cheek before he can push him away. “Dude!” He shrieks, wiping his cheek dramatically.

“Ewwwww,” Kangmin says from his post devouring the pizza in the kitchen. “Donghyuck and Markie sittin’ in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G--”

Oh, Kangmin. Donghyuck thinks to himself. You don’t know the half of it.

“Okaaaaay,” Mark interrupts and claps his hands together. “Cake time! I haven’t seen it yet, I’m scared.”

“CAKE!” Mark Fangirl #99 exclaims, running into the kitchen. Or, well, Yejin exclaims. Donghyuck doesn’t hate her anymore. He’s completely grown up and mature.

(Donghyuck had advised Mark to only invite his real friends, no one who has ever made him uncomfortable or taken advantage of him. That includes Kangmin, the bastard, Soojin, Yejin, and a dozen other people whose name’s Donghyuck can’t remember. Maybe he is getting old. Mark made a pinkie promise to always stand up for himself in Canada, because he doesn’t need Donghyuck to fly over there should something happen and get him expelled.)

“Don’t be scared, it's gonna be the best cake you’ve ever laid your eyes upon,” Donghyuck promises, leading Mark to the dining table. “Mrs. Lee, would you do the honors?”

Mark’s mother scurries into the kitchen holding a giant cake in the shape of a watermelon, and Donghyuck can hear Yejin squeal in the background.

“Yoooooo,” Mark laughs, clapping his hands together as she sets it down in front of him. “This is awesome.”

“I chose the design,” Donghyuck pipes up from beside Mark, very obviously looking for praise. Mark sends him a small, private smile, and it's more than enough.

“Before we destroy it, make a wish,” Soojin says, sticking a single candle into the middle of the cake with a perfectly manicured hand.

“I feel like it’s my birthday,” Mark jokes.

“We should definitely sing happy birthday,” Kangmin says.

And so Donghyuck ends up leading everyone in a dramatic rendition of the Happy Birthday song, even though Mark’s next birthday will be in Canada, and makes sure to add soulful runs just to make Mark laugh. Donghyuck lights the candle, and Mark closes his eyes and prays before making a wish.

Afterwards, the entire watermelon is destroyed in less than 30 minutes. Everyone goes home at ass o’clock in the morning, Mark’s mother long asleep. Donghyuck sticks around to help with the dishes.

“Thanks for helping plan all this,” Mark gestures around the kitchen, a stray soap bubble landing on his face. “It was really nice to have one last hurrah before I go back home. Even though it was kinda embarrassing.”

“You’re welcome, loser,” Donghyuck replies, flicking another bubble at him. “What would you do without me?”

“I don’t know, but I’d be very sad,” Mark answers honestly, and Donghyuck looks down and smiles like an idiot into the soap swirling down the drain.

―

Two days before Mark flies back home, Donghyuck gets a call from him at 5pm.

“Meet you at the park?” Donghyuck questions as soon as he picks up.

“Yeah.”

Donghyuck could spot Mark in a crowd of millions. Because he’s always looking at him. Now, he realizes, they’ve always been looking at each other.

“Hey, nerd,” Donghyuck says as soon as he reaches the swings, plopping down next to Mark. “What is it this time? Are you gonna miss me that much?”

“Yeah,” Mark says honestly, cutting to the chase. “I have something I wanna give you.”

Donghyuck shuts up and watches as Mark pulls a photograph out of his backpack. He hands it to Donghyuck.

It’s a print of a picture Mark took on the day they went to Homigot to watch the sunset. Mark’s arm is swung around Donghyuck’s neck, outstretched to take the photo. Donghyuck is turned towards Mark, smiling at him widely as the sun backlights their faces in sweet oranges. It’s lovely.

“Something to remember me by, y’know. When we’re apart.”

Donghyuck feels his words ball up in his throat and he sniffs a little, heart beating fast in his chest. “You’re not dying, idiot,” he tries to joke, but it comes out weakly.

“Are you crying?” Mark reaches forward and rests his thumb on Donghyuck’s cheek. His heart soars.

“No, I just got dust in my eyes.” Donghyuck clears his throat and pushes his emotions down to the pit of his stomach. “I like this picture. I’ll get a frame for it and put it in my apartment in Seoul.”

“Great,” Mark says, and lets go of Donghyuck’s cheek. He’s smiling at him brightly, and Donghyuck doesn’t look away this time.

“We can do this, right?” Donghyuck asks quietly, pocketing the photograph for safekeeping. “It’ll be fine,” he reassures himself.

“Of course,” Mark says like he really means it, and slings an arm around Donghyuck like he always does. “We can.”

Hemi’s words ring throughout Donghyuck’s head. You have to live for yourself. You have to live well. Donghyuck agrees.

He shrugs Mark’s arm off of him, and turns to take in every detail of his face, from his hair, to his hands, to his mole. Donghyuck feels weightless.

“Push me!” Donghyuck yells, kicking his legs under the swing and soaring high into the sky like he did when he was a kid. The clouds in the sky are rolling slowly, and he feels like he can do anything. Mark’s laughter is a soundtrack to his swinging as he pushes Donghyuck higher, higher.

Everything will fall into place.

―

The day of Mark’s flight back home, Donghyuck accompanies him to the train station.

He assures Mark’s working mother that he’ll see her son off properly, and she hugs them both with teary eyes. Donghyuck’s throat closes up painfully.

The entire ride to the train station, Donghyuck is silent. He doesn’t know what to say. Doesn’t know if there’s anything to say. Doesn’t know what he should tell Mark.

Mark is side-eyeing him warily, and Donghyuck can tell he’s tampering his excitement down bit by bit for Donghyuck’s sake. He feels bad.

“Do you think snakes have feelings?”

Donghyuck looks over to Mark, who turns from the window he was gazing out of confusedly.

“Huh?”

“Snakes,” Donghyuck repeats. “Do you think they have feelings? You never answered me that day.”

A blush appears on Mark’s cheekbones as understanding washes over his face. “Oh,” he says, and then puts on his thinking face like he’s genuinely interested in figuring out the answers. “I think so.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Maybe not like us, but yeah. They seem misunderstood.”

Donghyuck smiles.

―

Mark is due to board his train to the airport in thirty minutes, and Donghyuck aches.

“FaceTime me as soon as you get home, okay?” Donghyuck says, nagging to make Mark smile.

There it is, he thinks, staring at his teeth. “Okay,” Mark says softly.

They stare at each other for a while and Donghyuck feels stuck. There are those same brown eyes. Donghyuck’s voice becomes a coward before he can say anything else, frosting over coldly in his throat and staying there.

Donghyuck rushes forward and embraces him. Caught off guard, Mark grabs his waist for purchase and puts down his suitcase to prevent himself from falling over. He hugs him back and Donghyuck nuzzles his face into Mark’s neck. He can feel his cold necklace on his cheek and thinks, faith. “Remember to come visit me in Seoul, yeah?” he mutters into his collarbone, and he can feel Mark shiver. “Of course.”

Donghyuck reluctantly lets go, and Mark is still smiling at him. He doesn’t know what’s going to happen, but he knows that he’ll never let Mark go. It’ll all be okay.

They’ll be okay.

Chapter Text

“I did not know how to reach him, how to catch up with him... the land of tears is so mysterious.” Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

―

Mark has been gone for 3 months.

Donghyuck was fine when it first started; really, he was. They called. They FaceTimed. Mark never saw a moose, but he did call Donghyuck in a hurry when he found out that moose are in fact great swimmers. “Dude, moose can swim,” he said in a hushed whisper to Donghyuck over the phone, quiet chatter in the background.

“Mark,” Donghyuck had said, “are you in the library?”

“Yeah,” Mark replied. Someone shushes him in the background. “Anyway, I gotta go. Oh, dude, send me some pictures of Seoul. I miss it.”

“Sure thing, dude.”

Donghyuck is passing his classes with flying colors. That was to be expected, of course, given his brains and impeccable vocal abilities. He’s made friends, joined organizations, performed in front of hundreds of people, and life is good.

Him and Mark don’t talk as much as before, of course, but they’re good. More than good. Donghyuck calls Mark at random intervals during the day to bother him, and although Mark pretends to to be annoyed, Donghyuck knows that if he really was bothered by it, he would hang up. He stays on the line, every time.

Mark is writing a lot, he says, and Donghyuck wants to read everything. He’s very protective of his things and his thoughts, holding them close to his chest, but one day, he bites and let’s Donghyuck read a poem he’s working on.

The sun keeps following me wherever I go, it reads. And I wonder if we’re looking at the same sky. There’s a name for a boy on the other side of the sea. The tide grips me with it's cold hands, and I let it wrap around my feet and pull me in. I count to three and repeat.

He reckons it's about them, and Donghyuck understands.

―

Christmas season approaches fast, and Donghyuck calls his mother to combat the cold.

“Hyuck,” she starts uncharacteristically gently. “I miss you a lot. How’re classes, sweetheart?”

“Great, Ma,” he says, looking out of his window at the snow falling gently onto the trees outside of his apartment. White blankets the streets, and Donghyuck wraps his jacket around himself tighter. “I’m at the top of my class. Y’know, because I’m so talented.”

“Of course,” she laughs, and it turns into a dry cough. “I’m so proud of you. I really am. You know, you really inherited all of my talent.”

“Are you getting sick?” Donghyuck ignores, frowning into the receiver.

“I don’t know, I think I might’ve gotten something from the kids,” she grumbles, and he can hear her rustling around in the kitchen. “They’re so snotty. And it's so cold up here in the mountains, everyone is coming down with something.” He can hear her rinse off her hands in the sink. “Don’t you start worrying,” she says, already knowing what Donghyuck’s thinking. “It’s just a little cough.”

“Do you want me to take a train home for Christmas?” Donghyuck worries anyway. “I have time.”

“We agreed that you would spend your first Christmas away in Seoul, Hyuck-ah,” she chides gently, clamoring with some dishes in the background. “I want it to be special! And there’s always time for you to come visit us next Christmas. We’re not going anywhere.”

I miss you, Donghyuck thinks.

“Okay,” he says instead, because there’s no use in arguing with her. “I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay. Bye, Donghyuck-ah.”

He hangs up and sighs. Homesickness? Why was he becoming such an emotional mess lately? It's probably Mark’s fault. Donghyuck smiles at the thought of him and calls him up next.

It rings. He doesn’t answer. That’s okay, he’s probably working. Or holed up in his room, working on a new song on his guitar that he’ll shyly show Donghyuck one day.

Mark doesn’t call him back.

The two of them get more distant, and the weather becomes colder with them.

They talk less and less, which was to be expected given time zones, workloads, new friends and being so far away from each other. On a particularly delusional day, Donghyuck imagines Mark cheating on him with a pretty girl with pale skin and long legs. He seats the thought away.

Mark’s texts have become more dry. Or maybe Donghyuck is imagining things and creating storylines. He hasn’t seen Mark’s face in two and a half weeks, not that he was counting, and his desk piles up with pre-holiday break work, assignment after assignment, vocal analysis after analysis, stage performance after performance. He lets himself get whisked away and drowns in it.

“I’m tired,” he says one day, on a rare occasion where he and Mark have found some minutes to Facetime between schedules. “Whoever said university was easier than high school was a lying dickhead.”

“Mhm,” Mark hums noncommittally, and he seems distracted, like he’s thinking too hard about something. He’s always thinking too hard about something.

“What is it?” Donghyuck asks flatly, cutting to the chase. “Do I bore you?”

Mark snaps out of his zombie trance and shakes his head, wide eyes staring warily at Donghyuck.

“What?” he questions. “No no, of course not.”

“Well,” Donghyuck sighs. “You’re not acting like it lately.

Mark pauses and looks off to the side, an unreadable expression on a boy who usually wears his heart on his sleeve. “I know I’ve been weird,” he says, voice muffled by the hoodie string he’s chewing on absentmindedly. “I’ve been … busy. And sorta stressed. I know that’s not an excuse. I’m sorry.”

Donghyuck can see subtle bags under his eyes, and he feels his heart sink.

“I’m sorry,” Donghyuck repeats back. “I should’ve … I dunno. Checked up on you more.”

“It’s okay, Donghyuck-ah,” Mark smiles tiredly, but it reaches his eyes.

“Don’t die on me,” Donghyuck says, back to his old chirpy self. “Take care of yourself, dummy,” he chides gently, and Mark smiles with his teeth this time.

“Okay.”

―

Alright, it gets worse.

Christmas break is almost coming to an end, and they have virtually no time for each other, it seems. Occasional calls. No banter. Donghyuck asks Mark if he’s still coming to visit him on Christmas day, and Mark rainchecks sheepishly.

“I really wish I could come,” his voice crackles over the line. “I have a winter showcase on Christmas day. Next time?”

Next time, Donghyuck thinks. They have a lot of next times.

“Okay,” Donghyuck smiles weakly, and pretends his heart isn’t slowly breaking into two, threes, fours. “I understand. I’ll be busy, too.” And it's not a complete lie; Donghyuck has friends to spend the holiday with, places he can go, people he can bother. It's not like he completely cleared his schedule and turned down any semblance of a hangout to save time for Mark. Not at all.

“I have to go,” Donghyuck says even though he doesn’t. “Bye, Mark.”

He hangs up before he can respond.

Completely fine, Donghyuck thinks, slinging on a padded jacket and making his way outside into the snow. The sky is overcast and grey, and a chill settles and makes a home in his bones.

He makes his way to his favorite coffee shop and decides to treat himself to a giant croissant to drown his sorrows in because fuck Mark Lee. That bastard.

“Welcome!” calls a chirpy voice as soon as he steps inside. It's nice and warm and he takes his hands out of his pockets and exhales a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“Hi,” he greets back, the chatter and soft music of the café comforting him as he makes his way to the counter. The girl who greeted him smiles at him brightly, and Donghyuck can’t tell if it's fake or genuine.

“What can I getcha?” Her green name tag reads ‘Eunjoo’ in neat, girly letters. Donghyuck has never seen her here before.

“Surprise me,” Donghyuck sighs dramatically, and drums his fingertips against the counter absentmindedly. “Oh, and one chocolate croissant to numb my pain.”

Eunjoo laughs brightly, and it's a tinkling, fairy-like sound. Nothing like Mark. It grates against his ears, but he also wants to hear it again.

“Girl problems?” she guesses, entering his order into the screen in front of her and giving him a knowing smile.

Donghyuck snorts. “Something like that.”

“Name for the order?”

“Donghyuck.”

“Well, Donghyuck-ssi,” she starts, typing his name into the computer and handing him his receipt. “The right girl will eventually find you, yes?” There’s a look in her eyes, and Donghyuck isn’t sure what it means.

If only.

Donghyuck goes back to his apartment and drowns out his thoughts with Penthouse episodes. He stays up until 2 am, ignoring the papers on his desk and stuffing his face with café pastry and the weird sweet concoction Eunjoo made for him.

He wishes Mark were there.

They would laugh and make fun of the theatrics and over the top acting, Donghyuck mocking the female lead’s shrill voice to make Mark laugh. Maybe their elbows touch, and Donghyuck stores the memory of their skin touching into the secret compartment of his brain labelled Mark Touches.

Stupid Mark, Donghyuck thinks. He still loves him.

He falls asleep on the living room floor.

The next day, or, well, later that day, Donghyuck gets up off of his ass bright and early and decides to be productive. He is not going to sulk over a boy, who isn’t even trying to make him sad on purpose. Life happens. Donghyuck gets it. Donghyuck always gets it.

He calls up Hemi, who he hasn’t seen in years since she left him and their town behind, and decides to think about something other than Mark.

“You live here,” Donghyuck starts, walking briskly next to her as they make their way through the cold streets of Seoul. “Take me to a good kimchi place.”

They end up at a restaurant in the heart of Seoul, way fancier than the quaint little kimchi house back home. Him and Mark went to that place a lot. Wait-

“You look stupid,” Hemi says plainly across from him, shoving a fish cake into her mouth. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing!” Donghyuck chirps, hurriedly putting some veggies on his plate to appear normal. “This place is great, I love watching rich people eat. They’re like birds, y’know. They peck.”

Hemi doesn’t respond and gives him a pointed glare, and Donghyuck sinks in his seat by a millimeter.

“Am I that obvious?”

“Donghyuck-ah,” she starts gently. “How long have I known you? I can read you like a book. And sometimes, you wear all your emotions on your face.”

“No, I don’t,” he grumbles, feeling transparent. “Whatever. It’s just…” he gesticulates vaguely and she raises an eyebrow. “Y’know?”

“Not really,” she replies.

“Okay,” Donghyuck says. He’s a no bullshit person. Most of the time. No beating around the bush. Hemi is one of his best friends, she would never judge him.

“Mark,” is all that ends up coming out his mouth, and Hemi nods and leans forward, coaxing the words out of him. “What about Mark?”

“He…” Donghyuck thinks and frowns. What even is the problem? He thinks back on all the calls, the distance, the cold. “It’s just different.”

“Your relationship?” she questions, and gives him an empathetic look.

Their relationship. He nods slowly, frowning at the cabbage in front of him.

“Listen… I knew that shit would be hard and I wouldn’t see him that much cause he’s in fuckin’ Mooseland but… ugh. I miss him. We barely talk anymore.” Donghyuck pauses and brings his voice down to a whisper. “I even… I even thought about him cheating on me.”

“No,” Hemi says, putting a hand over her heart dramatically and pretending to be scandalized. “Really?!”

“Don’t be a dickhead!” Donghyuck shrieks, feeling betrayed. An elegant older woman to his left looks at him disapprovingly above her wine glass, and he mouths a “sorry” and bows his head. He can hear Hemi snickering under her napkin.

“Shut up!”

“Hey, I’m still your senior!”

“Well, then, please act like one and give me some wise advice.” No, he isn’t pouting. He’s scowling. Glowering.

“You’re so stupid,” Hemi says.

“Excuse me?”

“Stupid,” she repeats with a mouth full of chicken. “You know, like dumb?. Idiotic. Dense. Brainless-“

“I get it.”

“Anyway, stop being so silly. I haven’t even met this Mark guy yet- which, by the way, he needs to get his ass over here so I can make sure he’s up to my standards- and I can already tell he really loves you.” Donghyuck sinks in his seat and his brain signals go haywire at the word love. “I mean, anyone who’s willing to put up with you loves you.”

“Is today Bully Donghyuck Day?”

“Hm, no, but that’s definitely something that should exist.” Donghyuck fixes her with a pointed glare and she reaches forward and ruffles his hair affectionately.

“You know I love you, kid.” She pauses and seems to think for a second. “Just talk to him. The downfall of so many relationships is a lack of communication, right? Just be honest and things will always work out. Okay?”

“Yes, old wise one.” Donghyuck bows, and she throws a piece of kimchi at his head.

―

According to popular belief of the general public, things always work out in the end.

According to Murphy’s Law, (and Lee Donghyuck, thank you very much,) if anything can go wrong, it will.

Donghyuck believes in science.

No, everything is not working out. In fact, everything is completely, utterly not working out and in disarray.

The same thing continues to happen. Mark is like a ghost, and Donghyuck is losing his patience. In fact, he never had much patience to begin with until he met Mark. Mark, who taught him how to be patient and kind.

“Why don’t you talk to me anymore?” Donghyuck asks Mark the next day, who’s toweling his hair tiredly with one hand. Donghyuck can tell he’s on his laptop, and he can see the broad line of his shoulders and his collarbones.

He cocks his head to the side slowly. “What do you mean?”

Donghyuck sighs through his nose. “How do you not know? Are you really as oblivious as people say you are?”

Mark flinches back a bit, and Donghyuck immediately regrets his words. He knows Mark isn’t stupid. Has told Mark he isn’t stupid.

“You’re a real asshole sometimes, Donghyuck.” Mark looks down and under any other circumstance, Donghyuck would say he looks cute.

“Look, Mark. I’m sorry, okay? But, it’s not crazy of me to say that sometimes it seems like your heart isn’t in this anymore.”

“What?” Mark’s voice cracks and his thin brows furrow. “I’m all the way across the world. You know that. And you knew it wouldn’t be easy. We talked about that.”

“Yeah, but-“ Donghyuck starts, pinching the bridge of his nose anxiously. Are they fighting? “You’re so… distant.” Donghyuck’s words soften and he can’t recognize his own voice. “It’s like you’re not even there. You never text anymore. You’re always out with your friends. You always say you have assignments and never have time to talk to me. I know you’re busy. I’m busy. But I’m your boyfriend. Make time for me. For… us.” His words trail off.

Mark is silent for a while and then finally pipes up.

“I understand what you’re saying, Donghyuck-ah. But sometimes I feel like… like… I just have to put school… first.

“Oh,” Donghyuck says dumbly. That’s normal. Plenty of people prioritize school over relationships. Hell, plenty of people prioritize school over food and water. That’s just the world they live in. But to Donghyuck, Mark is always his first choice.

“Whatever,” Donghyuck slams his laptop shut and swallows thickly. He lays down and pulls the bed covers over his head.

The next day, Mark calls him at 5am in the morning.

“I think we… should probably take a break.”

Mark’s eyes are wide and wavering back and forth nervously on the screen of Donghyuck’s phone. He doesn’t say anything else.

“A break,” Donghyuck echoes. voice muddled from sleep. “You wanna take a break.”

“Yeah,” Mark says, scratching behind his ear. He looks like he’s about to burst into a ball of flames. “School is kicking my ass. I have a job… clubs to attend, so many exams to prepare for. We’re at such different places in our lives right now, y’know? I just think… it isn’t fair to you for me to… call you mine right now.”

Donghyuck’s voice lodges in his throat. He’s not a crier.

“Fuck you.”

He hangs up and buries his head into his pillow, cries just a little bit.

―

If there’s one thing Donghyuck knows, it's how to be alone.

That doesn’t mean he enjoys it.

So, he was stupid to think that someone like him could ever have a successful relationship. What happened to his old self, who would’ve never let this happen in the first place? Would’ve never let Mark dig under his skin and make a home there?

He throws himself into work, writing songs to distract himself. He ignores anyone who tries to hang out with him over break. He doesn’t tell anyone what happened. He thinks about Mark. Rinse and repeat.

He takes the photo of them at Homigot in the summer out of his wallet and throws it into the waste bin.

Mark doesn’t call. Neither does Donghyuck.

The new year comes, and Donghyuck makes a promise to himself.

He’s sprinting through the streets, dirty and melted snow sloshing under his boots, and he makes his way to his favorite coffee shop. He bursts through the doors in a hurry, and a couple of people turn to glance at him questionably before turning back to their little bubbles.

“Hi!” Eunjoo greets him, as cheery as ever, and her hair is down her back this time instead of in a ponytail. “Donghyuck-ssi! What can I get you?”

“Eunjoo-ssi,” Donghyuck starts, panting as he catches his breath. “Would you go on a date with me?”

Chapter Text

“And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.” Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

―

Eunjoo is nice, and that’s enough.

She’s small and pretty, and when she smiles, her eyes bunch up into half moon crescents and Donghyuck does not think of anyone else. She listens to him and he listens to her and she’s not Mark and that’s enough.

(Except, there’s one minor detail. Donghyuck is still hopelessly and probably forever in love with Mark Lee. You didn’t hear it from him, though.)

“I’m so happy that you asked me out,” Eunjoo says, and oh, right, they’re in a restaurant. On a date. Their second one to be exact. They’re not official. Donghyuck doesn’t know if he wants them to be or not, but he knows that Eunjoo is easy to talk to and nice, so nice. Nice, certainly not like someone…

“Were you crushing on me?” Donghyuck replies cheekily, and it's easy to get lost in the mindless banter, to think about someone else for a change.

“Of course I was,” she giggles, and her cheeks turn a dusky red. Donghyuck remembers how Mark’s cheeks would turn a similar color at something dumb he said. Well, this isn’t about Mark.

(“You made me trip!”

Mark’s eyes widened and he rushed over, legs too long for his body, hastily swiping up the newspapers off the ground and offering them to Donghyuck. Their fingers brushed, feather light. Donghyuck swallowed. Mark started to scratch his neck sheepishly. “Sorry, I… just recognized you from around school. Didn’t mean to interrupt.” He squinted at Donghyuck, the sun bathing him in bright light. His eyes were so brown.

Donghyuck huffed out a laugh and tightened his grip on the bike’s handlebars, his hands suddenly coated with sweat. Smooth. “I was just kidding. Hi, Mark.”

Mark’s eyebrows shot up into his hairline. “You know my name?”

Donghyuck cocked an eyebrow at this and smiled, not unkindly. “Well, everyone’s in love with the new boy in town. You’re all they talk about. Canadian sweetheart, huh? Of course, I know your name.”

A devastating blush crept slowly up from Mark’s neck to his cheeks and oh, oh no. Donghyuck stared.)

“I thought I was being pretty obvious,” Eunjoo continues with a manicured hand over her mouth, and Donghyuck snaps out of it and snorts inwardly. Maybe she was, but he was too busy… busy worrying about…

This is not about him.

“I don’t blame you,” Donghyuck starts to say, then remembers how many times his joking bravado has bothered people in the past and decides to dial it back. They’ve just started talking and Eunjoo seems easily startled. Like a squirrel. Squirrels are cute. (Mark never minded Donghyuck’s boyish confidence or his self-assuredness like a lot of people. Mark never minded him a little mean. Mark never minded much.)

“You’re funny,” Eunjoo observes, and Donghyuck relaxes, just a bit.

It's a couple of weeks into spring when Eunjoo asks Donghyuck to be her boyfriend.

I do, Donghyuck replies, and Eunjoo laughs behind her hand and leans into him and maybe, Donghyuck thinks, maybe one day I could love her.

―

On their fourth date, Donghyuck takes her to his favorite kimchi house in Seoul, because he’s Donghyuck. He would never date someone who didn’t like kimchi. He takes this very seriously.

“I haven’t been on a date like this in a while,” Eunjoo says across from him, chewing a piece of lettuce delicately.

“Really?” Donghyuck replies, and he’s genuinely curious. A pretty girl like Eunjoo should have thousands of men crawling at her feet.

“I never really had time for a relationship,” she looks down shyly. “I was so busy with work at my dad's restaurant and university assignments, that I barely even looked at other people. But…” she finally meets Donghyuck’s eyes. “When I got the job at the café, and I saw you come in that day, I just had to take the chance and talk to you.” She smiles and her eyes bunch up cutely. Donghyuck feels a stone drop to the pit of his stomach.

“I must have looked devastatingly handsome,” is all Donghyuck replies, and she covers her mouth and laughs. She does that a lot.

(Mark was looking at him then, gaze so open and unguarded. I hate you, Donghyuck thought.

“I have to get back home soon,” he said out loud. “My mother and my siblings use me and this festival as a way to get free treats every year,” Donghyuck shook the cookie in his hand at Mark and rolled his eyes good-naturedly. Mark laughed. He did that a lot.

“Yeah, it's starting to sleet, anyway, so we’ll probably end things a little earlier. You’d better get home before you get caught in the snow,” Mark said, like he actually cared that Donghyuck got home safely. There were snowflakes in his dark eyelashes. Donghyuck let himself smile.

“Yeah. Have fun singing to the kids. Don’t forget about me when you grow up and win a Grammy.”

This startled another laugh out of Mark, and Donghyuck stared at his canines. He made everyone laugh all the time. No big deal here. “Of course,” Mark said. He looked like he wanted to say more, but then the pastor was calling him over, so he slung his guitar around his body and waved at Donghyuck. “See you around!”

“See you!” Donghyuck yelled, but Mark was already gone. The children were cheering and clapping happily as he sat down in the middle and started to tune his guitar. His cheeks bunched up as he smiled sheepishly. A pretty girl from school sat next to him. Donghyuck looked down.)

“What are you thinking about?” Eunjoo asks, and there’s a hint of concern in her voice as Donghyuck comes back down to Earth.

“Nothing.” Donghyuck lies. “I’m just… happy to hear that.”

Eunjoo smiles at him again, and she reaches across the table to take Donghyuck’s hand in hers.

Nothing, nothing at all.

―

Donghyuck has not deleted Mark’s number.

Maybe, maybe, a tiny part of him is hoping that one day Mark will call him up and beg him to take him back. Or that maybe Mark will show up at his door with a bouquet of roses and an apology on his lips. Or that Donghyuck will wake up and realize that this was just some sort of sick dream, that he’s back home with his mom and the kids, not miles away, to find that he’s riding his bike to school and getting groceries for his mother and has nothing to fear.)

Eunjoo is sound asleep next to him. Donghyuck scrolls through old texts.

Canada

dude, look at this sick bird i just saw at the skatepark

[Attachment: 1 image]

Donghyuck looks at the dumb bird almost a year later, and he feels nothing. The kind of nothing that feels like everything. Mark, who was so pure and childlike, but swore like a sailor. Mark, who was nice to children and animals and respected his elders. Mark who taught him about faith and patience.

He turns off his phone and buries his head into his pillow. It smells like Eunjoo.

And Eunjoo: her cousin is getting married the following week, and Donghyuck is her plus one.

He rents out the fanciest suit he can afford, slicks his hair all sophisticated, wears oxford shoes for fuck’s sake. If Eunjoo’s family doesn’t end up liking him, he’s going to break up with her. Jokingly. (If he broke up with her for real, would she feel the way he felt when Mark called things off? Would she feel a hollow in her chest where her heart used to be?)

“You look so handsome,” Eunjoo coos at him as she leads him into the wedding venue. “Well, you always look handsome.”

“I know,” Donghyuck answers on auto-pilot. That gets a laugh out of her. That’s good. He’ll need to do a lot of that tonight.

They sit in the audience and the ceremony commences.

As Donghyuck watches the couple give their vows, he doesn’t feel happy for them. Just empty. He thought, maybe one day, that could be him and Eunjoo. Eunjoo is his chance at a normal life. (The plan: get out of his dumb town as soon as he graduated, move out and go to university in Seoul, find a girlfriend, get a well-paying and steady job, maybe have some kids, retire, die peacefully. Rinse and repeat.)

Donghyuck is tired of rinsing and repeating.

Practically everyone in the audience is in tears by the end of the ceremony, and all Donghyuck feels is a lump of coal hot and heavy in his throat.

He meets Eunjoo’s parents. They like him. That’s good. He has the seal of approval from the parents of his loving girlfriend.

Why isn’t he happy?

(Donghyuck did what he did best: he charmed the pants off of Mark’s mother, told her all about yearbook club, admired the interior design, complimented the food, (Mark’s mother had made kimchi jjigae, Donghyuck’s absolute favorite, and he had made sure to vocalize as such) and asked Mark’s father about his work and Canada. It was nice. Mark seemed very pleased, if not a little bit embarrassed, and Donghyuck preened inwardly. It's like I’m meeting the parents, the caveman part of Donghyuck’s brain said. That’s not funny, the sensible side of his brain helpfully supplied.

Mark had gone upstairs earlier to change out of his school shirt into a blue sweatshirt, and he looked so… boyish. Cute. It was the fourth time Donghyuck had seen Mark out of his school uniform. He didn’t know why he was keeping count. And Mark was sitting next to him. What boy, fast-approaching adulthood got excited by the object of his infatuation simply sitting next to him? Maybe next time, we’ll even touch elbows, Donghyuck’s inner voice grumbled ruefully. Donghyuck eyed Mark through his peripheral vision. The lighting fixture above the dining table casted him in a warm, angelic glow. Or maybe Donghyuck was just being disgusting. Before he could dart his eyes away, Mark must have felt eyes on him. He turned to Donghyuck while his parents started to discuss work. Donghyuck’s brain was pure static, and Mark smiled at him wordlessly, and it felt like a secret. Like it was just the two of them. He looked away.)

Eunjoo kisses Donghyuck gently on the cheek when the night is over, and Donghyuck needs to end this.

She comes over to his apartment two days later.

“I think we need to end this,” Eunjoo says softly with a sad smile, and all the dark, nefarious part inside of Donghyuck feels is relief. The other part of him feels like he’s getting his heart broken all over again. Because he can’t do anything right. He can’t do this love thing right. Doesn’t deserve to, it seems.

“Your heart was never in it,” she continues, and Donghyuck just stares at her. “I ignored it at first, denied it. I was telling myself that you were just getting over that someone who broke your heart. But... you always have this look in your eyes, like you’re… looking for someone. And it’s not me. Whoever it is, just know, I'm not mad. I wish you the best. And I love you. You made me happy.”

She kisses him on the cheek gently one last time and walks out of his apartment, taking a piece of Donghyuck’s heart with her. (A second piece of his heart, gone.)

Donghyuck goes to sleep.

―

Life becomes a circle.

Work. Laugh at your friend’s joke. Answer questions in class so that your professor warms up to you. Wave to the RA in the hallway. Study. Perform. Repeat. Rinse.

That’s all Donghyuck knows.

He can feel himself reverting back to his old life, or maybe it’s just a juxtaposition of the then and the now. Except there is no difference, besides the fact that Donghyuck is older now; he’s filled out, and he’s in a city that’s not his own. Going through the motions.

University was supposed to be different. If 18 year old Donghyuck knew his life would turn out like this, he would’ve ran away, changed his name, and lived off the grid. Maybe he’d get a dog. He’d live in a small and unassuming house, and he would have no obligations and no pressure and no fear.

But Donghyuck doesn’t quit. Not because he doesn’t want to, because he does, sometimes. But because he can’t afford to. No time off. No excuses. Give your all until it kills you. That’s the world he lives in.

(If there was one thing Donghyuck knew how to do, it was how to do things alone.

Not to say he had no one; it was the opposite. He had a mother who loved him very much. Younger siblings he adored. Friends who spent the night at his house and poked and prodded at him to get under his skin.

But, in a place as small as that one, Donghyuck had learned one thing: everyone knew everything about everyone. Things spread quickly. Be nice, but not too nice. Never let your guard down. Smile at the old woman across the street. Speak a lot without saying anything. Attend every town event. Bow politely to the upperclassmen you run into, even though they make fun of you behind your back. Be amicable and reliable, for your family and for yourself.

If there’s one thing he knew, it was how to play the game. When someone says something meant to be funny, laugh and clap your hands accordingly. When someone is telling you a secret, lean in and quirk a brow to show that you’re listening. When someone is telling you they’re having a hard time, look into their eyes and quirk your mouth down in a sympathetic grimace. Talk, but not too much. Always be a shoulder to lean on. Be the life of the party. Rinse and repeat.)

Donghyuck goes back home for the summer.

After finishing his first year in university, he feels, quite frankly, lost. He’s tired. He missed home. Missed his mom and the kids. Missed riding his bike down the hill and back. Misses his childhood.

Donghyuck remembers that all he wanted when he was a kid was to be an adult. To be completely independent, to look after himself and find his place in the world. Now, all he wants is to be a kid again. He wants security. He wants to be assured. He wants someone to tell him everything is going to be okay.

He doesn’t want to be alone.

What a joke, he thinks.

Donghyuck is happy to be back home for a while. He’s happy to be back home to think about what’s really important to him and to see his family. He even pets Mrs. Oh’s yapping rat dog who used to bite at his ankles, starting to gray with age.

One sunny afternoon, Donghyuck is picking up groceries for his mother, just like he used to. He begged her to let him do this one thing for her, even though she claimed that he’s a young man who doesn’t need to worry about his mother anymore. How ridiculous, if you ask him.

“Donghyuck?”

Great, Donghyuck thinks. I’m trying to finally move on and I start hearing voices. Real funny.

“Donghyuck-ah?” the fake voice repeats. What a sick joke. Except. The voice sounds… real. And close. Like it’s right…

Donghyuck turns around. Enter Mark Lee, stage left.

He’s standing there, looking as heartbreaking as ever, the wind sweeping his black hair off of his forehead and giving Donghyuck a view of his thin brows.

Mark is in front of him.

Why is Mark in front of him?

God, now I’m seeing things too, Donghyuck thinks, and Fake Mark approaches him like he’s scared he’ll run away.

He’s wearing that dumb blue hoodie. Donghyuck is on his way back home from the grocery store, a brown paper bag full of vegetables in his hands. It’s just like over a year ago, when Mark decided to stake a claim to Donghyuck’s world, take up residence inside his heart, and ruin his life as he knew it.

(Donghyuck saw him riding one day while on his way back home from picking up groceries for his mother. He had a stupid pair of sunglasses shoved haphazardly atop his head, and he was wearing another white t-shirt. Donghyuck watched his shirt wave up and down and his pale forearms flex as he gripped the handlebars. Mark spotted him on the sidewalk and slowed down to a stop.

“Hey, Donghyuck-ah! Er... can I call you that?” He tilted his head to the side like a clueless puppy and Donghyuck gulped.

“Ah, yeah.” He was usually outspoken, but he noticed he couldn’t seem to find his voice.)

Donghyuck’s traitor heart rattles in his chest.

“Donghyuck?” Mark repeats. Definitely real.

Donghyuck turns around briskly and begins to walk away, panic rising in his throat.

“Hyuck-ah!”

He stops in his tracks. Hyuck-ah. He hasn’t heard that in a while, not out of Mark’s mouth.

Fuck.

“Hi, Mark,” Donghyuck tries to say as he turns around, but it comes out as more of a whisper. Mark approaches him slowly again, like Donghyuck is a frightened animal.

“Donghyuck-ah…” Mark keeps saying his name like he’s trying to remember him all over again, and Donghyuck wants him to stop. “You’ve grown up even more. And you’re so... skinny.” Mark looks down and has the audacity to look worried, like he didn’t crush Donghyuck’s heart into 1 million tiny little pieces.

“Mm,” Donghyuck hums quietly.

“I… it’s good to see you,” Mark says lamely, like he’s searching for the right words and can’t find them anywhere. Donghyuck wants to ask him why he’s back in his town, why he’s trying to ruin his life all over again, why he crushed up Donghyuck’s fragile little heart into sawdust. But now, his guard is back up, just like it always had been. Before.

“I have to go,” Donghyuck says, and he turns around and jogs away before Mark can get in another word.

What the fuck.

―

Later that night, Donghyuck cleans out and reorganizes his old room. He rearranges all of his old vinyls he didn’t take with him to Seoul, changes the sheets on his bed (which his mother had kept perfectly neat while he was gone,) throws out old clothes. While he’s rummaging through the storage in his closet, something falls out of a jacket pocket.

He kneels down onto the floor and notices that it’s a photograph.

Not just any photograph, either.

It’s a small photobooth shot of him and Mark the day that Donghyuck asked him to be his boyfriend. Donghyuck is doing aegyo at the camera, and Mark is laughing into his shoulder. Donghyuck’s heart drops low into his stomach.

(Before he could reply, something caught Donghyuck’s eye. “Look, a photobooth! Let’s go.” He dragged Mark along, and they sat inside the cramped booth. Their thighs touched, and Donghyuck felt like a blushing virgin again. Get it together, loser, he thought to himself.

“Say Mark Lee!”

They took a ton of photos, and Mark ended up almost falling out of the booth from laughter because of how ridiculous they looked. Donghyuck was very satisfied with himself.

“I like this one,” Mark said when they left, pointing to a photo of them looking at each other, mid-laughter. Donghyuck likes it, too.

“Take this one,” Donghyuck handed it to him, and put the other copy into his wallet. “For safekeeping,” he said at Mark’s incredulous look. Mark just laughed.)

Now, Donghyuck frowns at the memory of that day.

Before he can stop himself, he sits down on the floor of his bedroom and composes a text.

Mark, he writes. We should talk.

He deletes the message and tries again.

Why the fuck are you here? Wait, no, delete that. I think we should talk about what happened. (Delete.)

I’m sorry, he tries again. For what, he doesn’t know.

I miss you a lot, he tests. (Delete.) I love you. (Delete.)

He turns his phone off and continues to clean out his closet.

―

It starts happening again.

Life truly is a circle. Donghyuck is back where he was a year ago.

He can’t stop running into Mark. He curses his dumb town for being so tiny. (He missed him so much.)

Mark volunteers at the town’s annual summer festival held by the church.

Still an angel, Donghyuck thinks bitterly, and huffs a sigh through his nose. He’s here because his little brother wanted to come and eat everything in sight.

Focus on the task at hand, he thinks.

Mark spots him.

“Donghyuck-ah!”

It’s just like that day … that day that Donghyuck realized he liked Mark. Could maybe love him.

(“Donghyuck-ah!”

Alright, Donghyuck thought morosely. I get it. I have sins to atone for. I deserve the torture, that’s what you’re teling me, right? He craned his head up to the sky and inhaled deeply. There were people looking at him curiously. Why was Mark so loud sometimes? So unabashed.

Donghyuck turned around and saw Mark waving at him from the cookie table. Despite himself, he smiled.)

Donghyuck reckons he still hasn’t atoned for those sins.

“Hi,” he says as he and his little brother approach Mark who’s standing by the shooting games. There’s a giant Gudetama plush above his head waiting to be won.

(Step 1: Act natural.)

Mark looks at Donghyuck like he’s grown another head, like he wasn’t expecting him to actually come over. Donghyuck’s grip on his brother’s hand tightens.

(Step 2: Keep your distance.)

“Hey, little man!” Mark looks down and fist bumps his brother who looks up at Mark like he himself put all of the stars into the sky, and Donghyuck curses inwardly. God, everyone has always liked Mark.

Donghyuck lets go of his hand and puts on his I Mean Business face. “Go find Kwangsoo, okay? Don't tell mom I let you wander off by yourself or I’ll shank you.”

His brother dashes off on wobbly limbs without another word.

“He doesn’t talk much, does he?” Mark laughs.

(Step 3: Fail.)

“He only talks when he wants to annoy me,” Donghyuck responds, and shoves his hands into the pockets of his jacket. The sky is turning purple-pink, and a halo of dull light from the setting summer sun circles lazily around Mark’s head. Or maybe Donghyuck is seeing things again.

“Why are you here?” Donghyuck asks, and Mark’s eyes widen at the question, which came out harsher than intended.

“Uh, my family is relocating back to Coquitlam for my dad’s work. His time here is finally up. I, uh, offered to help them pack everything up since I’m on break.” Mark scratches behind his ear and Donghyuck wants to rip his hand off.

“Oh,” Donghyuck says. It’s all he can say really. What is there to say, after so much was left unsaid?

Donghyuck aches. He wants to... be friends again. Extend an olive branch. Or at least talk about it. He’s a mature adult. Mark is an avoider, but Donghyuck knows how to push.

“Donghyuck, I-”

“I’ll see you around,” Donghyuck cuts him off and walks away, knowing what he said to be true. He will see him around. That’s just his life. It revolves around Mark like the sun orbits the Milky Way.

Donghyuck drops off his brother back home for bedtime and then goes back to the festival, because there’s this absolutely giant teddy bear he needs to win.

Now, it’s 10pm, and the festivities have mostly died down. Donghyuck holds the bear in his arms, and walks down the big stony path to the church. It looms in the sky like a big, dark brown satellite. Donghyuck hasn’t been to church in years. He goes inside.

One light is on at the front, and the rest of the room is reflected in blue, green, and red light from the stained glass windows. He takes it in.

Donghyuck looks down and sees Mark with his head bowed in one of the pews.

He’s bathed in dark blue light. Before he can think about it too hard, Donghyuck walks over and sits down silently next to Mark. He puts the teddy bear between them for some distance. Just to be safe. He shoves his hands in his pockets and stares at the crown of Mark’s head.

When he’s done with his prayer, Mark looks up at Donghyuck with wide eyes that sparkle in the low light.

“I haven’t prayed in a while,” is all Donghyuck says, and Mark nods, staring at him intently. That gaze again. It bores holes into Donghyuck’s chest. “I’ve always admired your devotion.”

“Thank you,” Mark breathes, and Donghyuck can tell he really means it.

They sit in silence as the sky turns black outside, and Donghyuck looks into the eyes of the stained glass saints and asks for an answer.

―

A week later, Mark texts him to meet him at the park. If he wants to.

Donghyuck doesn’t respond. Then he realizes; Mark still has his number? Then he thinks, fuck.

(Mark is a fool to ever think Donghyuck would deny him.)

Donghyuck arrives at the park at 5pm. Mark is sitting in the same swing he sat in a year ago before they started university, looking the same, except with a sharper jawline and even longer legs. Donghyuck wants to run away.

(“I have something I wanna give you.”

Donghyuck shut up and watched as Mark pulled a photograph out of his backpack. He handed it to Donghyuck.

It was a print of a picture Mark took on the day they went to Homigot to watch the sunset. Mark’s arm is swung around Donghyuck’s neck, outstretched to take the photo. Donghyuck is turned towards Mark, smiling at him widely as the sun backlights their faces in sweet oranges. It was lovely.

“Something to remember me by, y’know. When we’re apart.”

Donghyuck felt his words ball up in his throat and he sniffed a little, heart beating fast in his chest. “You’re not dying, idiot,” he tried to joke, but it came out weakly.

“Are you crying?” Mark reached forward and rested his thumb on Donghyuck’s cheek. His heart soared.

“No, I just got dust in my eyes.” Donghyuck cleared his throat and pushed his emotions down to the pit of his stomach. “I like this picture. I’ll get a frame for it and put it in my apartment in Seoul.”

“Great,” Mark said, and let go of Donghyuck’s cheek. He was smiling at him brightly, and Donghyuck didn't look away that time.

“We can do this, right?” Donghyuck asked quietly, pocketing the photograph for safekeeping. “It’ll be fine,” he reassured himself.

“Of course,” Mark said like he really meant it, and slung an arm around Donghyuck like he always did. “We can.”)

They didn’t.

“Hey,” Mark says softly as Donghyuck approaches him.

“Hi,” Donghyuck says gently, and his breath catches in his throat at the look Mark gives him.

“We should… talk.”

Donghyuck nods and lets Mark lead him to a tree overlooking the hills of the town. Donghyuck sits under it and wraps his hand around his knees, and Mark sits down next to him. It’s silent for an eternity.

Then, Mark speaks up.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize what I had until… I didn't have it anymore.”

Donghyuck startles and looks at him. He doesn’t say anything, and Mark continues, looking him straight in the eye. It’s daunting.

“It took you being gone… for me to realize. I realized a lot of things, and I found out a lot about who I am, I think, this past year in university. It- it was wrong of me to put school over you. My friends over you. I know now that I fucked everything up. And the main thing I realized is,” he takes a deep, steadying breath. “That I love you.”

Donghyuck’s world stops turning.

Mark loves him?

“I don't care,” Mark continues, like he hasn’t just shattered Donghyuck’s world as he knows it. “I don't care what anyone might think. I don't care if I’m busy. I don’t care if we’re miles apart. I just… want you. Need you. I know that we have… something. And I can’t just throw it away. I love you.” He swallows thickly. “You don’t have to- have to say anything. Or do anything. I just wanted to tell you. Before it was too late.”

Donghyuck stares.

It's silent for a while, and all he can hear is the sound of cars on the highway in the distance. The sun is setting in front of them in pinks and oranges and gold, and it's just like that time in Seoul.

(“The sunset is really pretty,” Mark said. Donghyuck was only looking at Mark.

“Yeah, really pretty,” Donghyuck whispered softly.

The sky had turned even more pink, and the swirling clouds above looked like cotton candy.

It was silent for a while, and Donghyuck had let his brain turn off for once, listening to the gentle roll of the river and the soft summer breeze.

“I’ll miss you when I go back to Coquitlam,” Mark said, barely a whisper, and for a moment Donghyuck wasn’t sure he was meant to hear it.

“I’ll miss you too,” Donghyuck murmured. “I’ll make sure to bother you everyday, and visit you as much as I can. I wanna try Tim Horton’s.” A small laugh. “And you can come visit me too.”

“Yeah.” Mark turned to him, and he was smiling. There was something in his eyes that Donghyuck couldn't quite place. The pink of the evening illuminated him in a warm glow, and his dark hair curled into wisps on his forehead.

Donghyuck leaned forward and kissed him.)

Donghyuck leans forward and kisses him, again.

A gentle peck, a quiet touch of the lips, and Mark is warm.

When he pulls away, Mark is red from his cheeks to his neck.

“I, uh- what? Why- what does that- what does that mean...?”

“I do. Donghyuck says, and Mark lets out an embarrassed laugh.

“Dude,” he starts, and Donghyuck says, “You haven’t changed one bit, Mark Lee.”

Donghyuck links his pinkie with Mark’s and grins. Mark squeezes back, and finally, finally.

(Everything will fall into place.)