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It’s been a really hard day for Catra.
It’s different from all of her other bad days though. She’s having fewer of them, the longer she’s in Bright Moon, but she still has at least one bad day for every five good ones, days where she has what Adora has dubbed her ‘ bad thoughts.’ When she feels like she doesn’t belong and wants to crawl out of her skin, wants to be absolutely anyone else, or seriously considers asking Sparkles to toss her in the dungeon.
Because Bright Moon actually has one now, at Catra’s suggestion.
This is a different kind of day though, because it’s not necessarily bad, just hard.
Because she feels so needy , and it started this morning when Adora wasn’t in bed when Catra woke up.
Since arriving at Bright Moon, Catra’s learned about the glorious concept of ‘sleeping in’. It took her a month or so, but now that she’s had time to adjust and is no longer constantly on edge or worrying about being found out for being a fraud - on her bad days she still feels that at times, but that particular bad feeling is few and far between now - she’s comfortable enough now to give herself that time to be vulnerable in a sleeping position.
So she’s able to sleep in and actually relax , probably for the first time in her life. Adora said something a couple weeks ago about Catra’s whole personality being of someone who sleeps in, and even if she doesn’t know if that’s a positive thing, it’s Adora saying it, so at the very least the intentions are pure.
She’s never really had the time or the opportunity to sleep in though and grant herself that respite.
She couldn’t sleep in when they were kids, because they had their training schedule, and she had to get up even earlier than that to get back to her bed before Shadow Weaver would find her at the foot of Adora’s and throw her in the kennel with the other animals.
She couldn’t sleep after that either.
Didn’t sleep after Adora left and Catra was rising through the ranks, because frankly, she just couldn’t sleep. She rarely did, and when she did it was only for a couple hours max, either being awoken by dreams of Shadow Weaver or dreams of Adora.
She still has those nightmares, even if it’s only a couple nights a week now, opposed to every night. Perfuma talks about voicing your fears as a means of overcoming them, and she does try to tell Adora about them, she does , but even if she can tell her about the Shadow Weaver ones and the Horde Prime ones, she can’t bring herself to tell her girlfriend that some of the nightmares are about her.
Because they’re all from during the war, or Adora leaving her because she’s realized that she deserves more.
Deserves better .
They’re happening less and less, because the more time she spends with Adora, the more she realizes that Adora isn’t going to change her mind. Adora loves her , for reasons that Catra can’t quite understand, but at the very least she knows that Adora isn’t going to suddenly change her mind.
She didn’t have any nightmares last night though, and for that reason she actually managed to sleep in. There’s nothing on her plate that requires an early morning because she doesn’t go to the physical sites to help rebuild anymore - one too many instances of potential rioting solely at the sight of her - so she stays back at Bright Moon and works with Sparkles, coordinating the flow of materials and labour.
She’s good at it, and it helps her stay focused and less in her own mind, and that’s generally a good thing, even these days. Her thinking is less destructive to just the...to Etheria, but there’s times where it’s still harmful to Catra, so it’s best that she doesn’t give herself that free time.
It was Catra’s decision to stay back, since Adora wants her safe and by her side at all times, even after the third time that someone threatened to kill her. Because Adora can still be an idiot at times - she says that lovingly - putting far too much on her own shoulders, and Catra doesn’t want to add to that stress.
But because Adora’s still going out to the villages and towns to rebuild, and Catra isn’t, sometimes she’s up early and that leaves Catra alone.
Which she can deal with most of the time, because she’s not as dependent on Adora as she once was, back when they were kids in the Horde, but there’s just this need underneath her fur. She can’t explain it, but she just has this craving to hold Adora, and to have her pet Catra’s ears and to just cuddle together. Maybe knead Adora’s thigh a bit as well.
She doesn’t know exactly what she wants to do, she just knows that she needs to touch and be touched by Adora.
The problem being that Adora isn’t even in the palace, so there’s really nothing she can do but wait.
Which is torture .
Still, Sparkles needs her help and she can’t just mope around in her room over something as stupid as this. She hopes a shower will calm her down - even if she’s not a fan of baths and pools, she can deal with showers now - but if anything it just makes it worse. Because even if the touch is obviously different, her fur is experiencing contact that is not Adora, and that just irritates her even more.
In times like this Catra worries that she wants Adora more than Adora wants her. More than Adora needs her, really, because Catra knows that she needs Adora.
If Adora were to end it, for any reason, Catra doesn’t know what she’d do. She wouldn’t stay in Bright Moon, she knows that, because the sight of Adora with someone else would kill her. Maybe she’d just go with Scorpia in what used to be the Fright Zone, or just live in the Whispering Woods like Razz.
She wonders if she could make the Crystal Castle liveable.
Again, she doesn’t have these thoughts as often as she used to, but they’re still there when Adora isn’t around, because the idea of this….absence of Adora being permanent is her biggest fear.
She had thought that she had gotten over it, in those three years they were enemies.
Apparently, like the fucking idiot that she is, she hasn’t.
At the very least, she thinks she can get through the day without anyone questioning her attitude. If she had Adora’s personality and started being snippy and aggressive, then maybe people might suspect something, but because she’s Catra and she knows that a decent amount of the people in Bright Moon still dislike her and think that she’s a bit of a bitch, they shouldn’t really think that anything is amiss.
Both her and Adora have their bad days, Catra just has a lot more, and no one’s picked up on it yet when her attitude changes. Besides Adora, obviously.
Still, Catra finishes her shower, dries herself off and gets dressed, making her way out of her and Adora’s shared room and down to the War Room where she knows Glimmer will be.
Well, it’s not really a War Room anymore, since there’s not a war happening right now, so instead it’s more of a ‘Strategy Room’ for organizing trade routes and the rebuilding efforts. Catra’s good at it, and it keeps her out of the way of the common citizens who still see her as someone who deserves to hang - she doesn’t blame them - so really, everyone wins.
Except for the fact that her and Adora don’t get to spend the day together. So really, everyone wins but Catra, which is her experience with life in general.
As she makes her way to the War Room, that feeling under her fur is still there, that constant itch that she’s learned to associate with needing Adora. She hates it, not because it means she’s dependent on Adora - she loves Adora more than anything - but just because it feels like shit.
She wishes it was a physical thing that she could deal with. That it was just like a regular itch, where she could just scratch at her arm as hard as she could until it went away. It won’t work, because she’s tried that before, and Adora was less than pleased when she saw the small little scratches there a couple hours later.
It’s no one's problem but her own though, so she just tries to push it down as best she can, shouldering the door open. Glimmer is already there, looking over a map of the neighbouring villages, her eyes flitting up as she sees Catra.
“You look like shit,” she comments, and Catra just snorts out a laugh, since she’s pretty sure if she doesn’t look great, she feels ten times worse.
“Lucky for me, I don’t need to impress you. You already know how great I am,” Catra retorts, and Sparkles laughs this time as she presses her palm against her forehead.
“I’m very aware. Adora won’t shut up about how great you are. Ever ,” she mutters the last part, and even if it would normally make Catra blush, the reminder of Adora only makes the absence of her feel stronger, meaning she feels even needier.
“Not her fault that you can’t recognize greatness,” she smirks, and even to her it sounds a little strained. Sparkles raises her eyebrow and is clearly about to say something, she can tell, but Catra quickly cuts her off before she can voice those concerns.
“So….what are we looking at here?” She asks, and Glimmer blinks for a second, obviously confused by the sudden shift. She doesn’t say anything though, just sighing and pressing her palms into her eyes, exasperation rolling off of her in waves before she starts to go into detail about one of the village mayors who’s refusing to accept aid from Scorpia and the Fright Zone.
The rest of the day doesn’t get any easier.
Catra had done her best not to wake Melog up earlier this morning, since she already feels like shit, and it only makes it feel shittier when Melog has to deal with her problems as well. They had to get up at some point though, and come to find her, probably just to see what the fuck was wrong.
Catra can’t even explain it, but when she’s like this and it’s just a constant feeling, Melog likes to be nearby when the feelings of bad are like waves. Glimmer has obviously picked up on it since Melog has just been a light shade of red the whole time they’ve been in the room, but she thankfully doesn’t say anything.
She probably assumes that if it was just a one off thing, if Melog just sparked red for a second, that she would have been the cause of it. But when it’s a constant thing, like Melog only has one colour, and it’s any shade of red, she must know that it’s just Catra being Catra, and it’s generally best not to draw attention to it, because she’ll just snap .
Catra thinks that she’s not worth the trouble, that Sparkles doesn’t have to unpack all of her fucking bullshit , and for that reason, she’s thankful that she doesn’t even attempt to.
“So we just make it seem like it isn’t coming from the Fright Zone?” Glimmer asks, and even if Catra doesn’t blame her for not understanding, because the way that she explained it was more than a little convoluted, the annoyance and the fucking need for Adora under her skin is still making her feel a little bit angry at the world.
“Yes,” she snaps, and even if Glimmer does raise her eyebrow, she doesn’t say anything. “If they won’t take it from the Fright Zone, but they like negotiating with Mermista - for some reason - then we just send the supplies to Salineas and then we ship it to these assholes. They’re going to die without the supplies, so we just make them think that Mermista’s being a good soldier or something, and helping out.”
“Mermista shouldn’t have a problem with it,” Glimmer reasons, and Catra agrees, because she doesn’t really see any reason that she’d be pissed. Still, it’s Mermista, and her constant state is just being annoyed at living , so who knows, really?
“If she does, we’ll just send it to Perfuma or something. Doesn’t really matter as long as they get it,” she shrugs, and Sparkles raises her eyebrow for what must be the fifteenth time this meeting, because every time Catra speaks, she can’t help that extra little bite.
“Adora should be back soon,” Sparkles says a second later, because even if she doesn’t explicitly say it, she knows that when Catra’s feeling like shit, Adora’s the only one who can help make it better.
“Arrow Boy too, then?” Catra smirks, and it makes Glimmer blush, because even if she’s getting better at being soft and vulnerable, she is still working on it. It’s easier to be sarcastic and bitchy, plus it’s her baseline attitude so people don’t really question it, except for Perfuma and Adora.
“Um….yeah, yeah he’ll be back too,” Glimmer stammers out, and Catra just crosses her arms over her chest and smirks. Unfortunately, it leads to fur-on-fur contact with herself, and that just reminds her that it isn’t Adora’s hands on her fur, and Melog sparks an even darker shade of red.
“Catra….are you…are you okay?” Glimmer gets out, clearly not sure how to broach the subject, but it’s apparently gotten to the point where she feels like she needs to address it.
“Fine,” she bites out, and it’s clear that she’s not going to give Sparkles anymore than that, so the Queen of Bright Moon just sighs and nods her head.
“Okay, fine. Like I said, Adora will be back soon,” she reiterates, and Catra breathes a sigh of relief, one that she didn’t know she was holding in. “That was really the only important thing we had to do today. The rest I can do on my own, if you want,” she offers, giving Catra an out in case this is exasperating what she’s obviously already feeling.
Which she’s not going to take, because if she left all she’d have is her thoughts and this aching need , and that’s far worse than just staying here and plowing through this bureaucratic bullshit.
Besides, if anyone can handle a bit of snark, it’s Sparkles.
“Let’s just deal with all this other shit. I wouldn’t want to get in the way of you and Crop Top making out in the Throne Room,” she teases, and Glimmer flushes bright red at that before quickly stammering out something regarding convincing Entrapta that she needs actual food to sustain more of her citizens, and not just tiny versions of corn and tomatoes.
It’s a little bit more than an hour before Adora returns, and Catra feels like it’s just continued to get worse,
Because the longer that she’s without Adora, the more she realizes that she isn’t here, which makes her feel worse, which makes her remember why she feels worse, and so on.
It’s a fucking vicious cycle, and the worst thing is that she can’t do anything about it because Adora isn’t here, and won’t be until she’s done whatever she’s doing.
She thought she was over this bullshit. She needed Adora in the Horde, because without her Shadow Weaver probably would have thrown her ass out into the Whispering Woods or into the kennel where they kept the other animals.
Sometimes she wonders what would have happened if they did that. She’s still part human, but maybe the cat part of her would have reigned supreme, and she’d just be an attack dog version of herself.
Sometimes she wishes that was the case, because she wouldn’t have to feel everything that she feels on a daily basis.
Regardless, that didn’t happen, and Adora was her life line. The times she wasn’t there weren’t quite like they are right now, because their relationship is different and this is a different type of need, but she knows that she just felt lost when Shadow Weaver took Adora away for the day or for some reason they weren’t able to see each other.
It fucking sucked then, and it still sucks now, but this is worse because back then she only dreamed of having Adora in the ways that she’s able to have her now.
Melog seems to have accepted that this is how today is going to be, just huddled in the corner. They’ve tried to reach out to Catra a couple times, asking if she’s okay and mentioning finding her mate , but after shutting them down in the way that she knows Melog hates, they relegated themselves to a dark corner of the room to just push through it and wait it out.
Apparently they know Catra better than she knows herself, because of course they do.
Her and Glimmer are busy going over potential ways to turn the Crystal Castle into a refugee camp until they start progress on building another village when the door opens, and it’s embarrassing how quickly Catra perks up. She can smell both Adora and Bow’s scents as soon as it opens, and her fur bristles as she finally sees Adora standing there.
Adora, who thankfully doesn’t look any worse for wear. Catra’s still not entirely sure where she went, or what type of mission it was, because even if Sparkles likely would have been able to tell her, she hasn’t really been able to even talk about Adora today without the need sparking up more and more.
Bow gives her a quick hello and a smile before turning to Glimmer, and given the way that his eyes flit to Melog and then back to his girlfriend, he must sense that Adora comes first right now, even more than she usually does.
Adora picks up on it too, since her brow furrows for a second, and Catra can’t help the way that she curls in on herself in shame. Perfuma’s talked to her about it, that she shouldn’t feel bad for having feelings, but it’s fucking hard to put into practice. She’s hurt Adora so much, and even if this really isn’t hurting Adora, she hates seeing that confused look on her face.
Hates seeing any look on her face besides happiness, really.
Which, again, is something that Perfuma’s talked to her about. That she can’t expect to feel only bliss and happiness, that relationships have strife and conflict, and resolving those together is what makes love special, but she still can’t quite deal with that at times.
Perfuma won’t say it, but Catra knows that she’s a fucking mess .
“Hey, Catra,” Adora gets out, and even if she looks a little confused by Melog’s current state, the excitement she’s feeling at seeing Catra can’t be completely removed from her tone. “I really missed you today,” she continues, and Catra lets out a breath that she didn’t know that she was holding.
“You’ll hurt Arrow Boy’s feelings,” she teases, and Adora laughs, the sound only making the need worse. Because she still hasn’t touched Adora, and she wants to, desperately , but she doesn’t know how to ask for it. It’s weak, and vulnerable, and needy, being practically unable to function all because she hasn’t hugged her girlfriend.
She hopes that Adora will recognize that, that she’ll reach out and hug her, and that she’ll make it all better. However, as strong as She-Ra is, she isn’t a mind reader, and Adora must think that her current mode is one that means no touching, so she doesn’t reach out.
Not even to hold Catra’s hand.
It makes her mad at Adora, which is, again, fucking idiotic. Because Adora’s done nothing wrong, and yet for some reason Catra just can’t help it. Like she’s meant to be mad at Adora and fighting her.
Sometimes, she worries that those three years fucked up their relationship beyond repair, but then Adora looks at her like she’s doing right now, and there’s no way that she can mistake that look.
“You didn’t ask if I wanted to come with you today. You just left,” she states, hating herself for saying it but not knowing any other way to be. The tone surprises Adora as well, because her eyes widen and the confusion is even more prevalent, and Catra hugs her arms around herself even tighter.
She sees Adora’s eyes widen slightly and how they quickly look to make sure she isn’t digging her claws into herself.
“I….I knew you had your meeting with Glimmer,” she explains, voice slow and methodical like she’s trying not to overstep. “I….I should have left a note or woke you up to say goodbye and that I love you. I’m sorry.”
“You’re not….fuck, Adora,” Catra grumbles to herself, the need only growing stronger by the second. “You don’t need to be sorry. You didn’t...you didn’t do anything wrong.”
“But you’re mad at me,” Adora reasons, and even just from her tone of voice, Catra can pick up on the fact that she’s having trouble understanding what’s going on. “I don’t want you to be mad at me. So…could you tell me what I did wrong, and I can apologize? Please.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong!” Catra practically yells, and Adora’s eyes widen even more. She can see Glimmer and Bow watching them out of the corner of their eyes, ready to cut in if they feel like they have to - she doesn’t think that they’re worried about her hurting Adora, they’re just protective of her - but they decide to stay silent until it potentially reaches that point
“But you’re…..I don’t understand, Catra. I just want to help.”
And that’s just the perfect distillation of Adora as a person, isn’t it?
The problem is that Adora can fix this problem. Catra could admit that she just wants to hug Adora so badly that it hurts, that she’s been like this all day and is beyond irritated. It would be so easy, and even if she’d blush the whole time, she knows that Adora wouldn’t make fun of her.
She just….for some reason, she’s so fucked up that she just can’t ask her girlfriend for a hug.
“It’s….don’t worry about it Adora, okay? It’s my problem, not yours.”
“But you’re my girlfriend,” Adora pleads, and it is almost begging now, how obviously she wants to help Catra. It makes her feel even worse, that she’s incapable of asking for this one thing, and she just shakes her head. “I…I understand if you’re not…if you don’t want to talk about it, it’s just....you can. If you want to.”
“I….” Catra stops and starts, hugging herself tighter. “Sparkles, tell Adora about the plan with Scorpia and Salineas,” she gestures, doing her best to change the subject. Adora doesn’t seem to buy it, but she sighs, signaling for Glimmer to start talking about the plan that they’ve worked up.
Catra can feel Adora’s eyes flitting to her the entire time.
The meeting doesn’t go on for that much longer, but Catra just feels more uncomfortable each second that goes by. Because she’s so close to Adora, and it would be so easy to touch her, but she still just can’t . Because it’s vulnerable to ask, and it’s needy and it feels like she should be better than this, but she isn’t.
Adora’s watching her the whole time, and she’s staying close, but she’s still not touching.
Not that she should know what Catra wants, but in her irrational mind it feels like she should.
Thankfully the meeting doesn’t go on too long, probably because Adora wants to figure out what’s wrong. It doesn’t really matter though, in the grand scheme of things, because it’s only thirty minutes before Adora’s gesturing for Catra to lead them out of the Strategy Room.
She rests her hand on Catra’s lower back, and she knows that Adora picks up on the gasp that escapes her.
It’s not skin on fur, but it’s a start.
Adora removes her hand though as soon as they’re out of the room, and she gives Catra another small smile, and it breaks Catra’s heart, how hopeful it is. Because that hope wouldn’t have to be there, if she wasn’t such a fucking idiot.
“Do you….do you want to go back to our room for a second?” Adora asks, that wide-eyed hopefulness still there. Catra can’t refuse that, so she just quietly nods, hugging herself tight again as Melog trails behind them, still a light shade of red.
As soon as the door to their room closes, Adora’s turning back to her, and this time she’s raising an eyebrow, crossing her arms over her chest. “What’s wrong?” She questions, and Catra feels her fur bristle at the tone.
They’re alone now though, and she’s been fighting it for so long, and Melog’s pushing the thought of touch into her head, and she’s just so tired.
“Take off your jacket,” Catra states firmly, Adora’s eyes widening in surprise as she watches Catra shed her own top so that she’s only wearing her sports bra.
She catches Adora’s eyes lingering on her chest, but that’s not what she wants right now.
“Catra….I….I don’t know if sex is….” Adora stammers, even if she does remove her jacket so that she’s just wearing her white t-shirt. She’s not as undressed as Catra, but it’s enough to have Adora’s arms bare, she thinks.
“That’s not what I want,” Catra gets out through gritted teeth, and those are the last words that she manages before she pulls Adora in for a hug. Adora, who lets out a gasp, but quickly understands what’s happening, and when she does, wraps her arms around Catra, running her hands lightly through the fur on her back.
“You wanted a hug?” Adora questions, and all she gets is a purr in response, Catra pulling her even closer. As close as she can really, nuzzling herself into the crook of Adora’s neck as she feels her eyes well up.
She’s not sure why she’s crying, but she’s already embarrassed herself too much to care, and Adora must feel the tears given the way that she strokes even more at Catra’s back.
“Why….why didn’t you just ask?” Adora questions, and Catra’s purring so loud now that she almost doesn’t hear her. The feeling just underneath her fur is gone, replaced with the feeling of Adora , and she feels like even more of an idiot now for not asking for a hug sooner.
“Not that simple,” she gets out, and she can feel the confusion wafting off Adora, but she seems to just accept it for now. “Can’t…can’t just ask for this.”
“You can,” Adora reiterates, and she brings one hand up to scratch lightly at Catra’s ear in the way that has her purring even louder than before. “You’ve been feeling like this all day? Since you woke up?”
Catra hums against Adora’s shoulder - she’s not sure if she’s able to differentiate it from the purrs - her hands just digging in even more to Adora’s back. She makes sure that doesn’t have her claws out, because she obviously never wants to hurt Adora again in her life, and once she’s comfortable and secure in the knowledge that she hasn’t hurt her, she snuggles in even tighter.
“Love you,” she gets out, and she can practically feel Adora’s smile, hand still scratching at her ear while the other runs over her back.
“Love you too dummy,” Adora teases, and Catra just laughs into her shoulder, shaking her head. “Just tell me next time, please. I don’t want you feeling bad, ever. Not when I can help.”
“Okay,” Catra gets out, and she can feel the tears again, staining the shoulder of Adora’s shirt.
Adora lets her, and they just stand there, Melog in the corner watching them as Catra purrs.
Melog’s turned to the shade of pink which they’ve learned means love .