Work Text:
"I want gummies!"
"Can we get a new guitar? Please Phil?"
"Can I get some tape so they'll shut up?"
Three boys bickered at the back of the car. Phil mumbled an insult under his breath. It seemed like he was about to go insane with his three incompetent and noisy children. Worst part would be how the mall was already packed like sardines.
"Why isn't mum coming with us?" The boy with blonde hair, basically identical to Phil questioned.
"Because I don't want her to deal with you guys. But now I'm starting to regret going alone." Phil groaned.
As they continued their usual behaviour of kicking and throwing junk at each other. To be specific, it was mainly two of them only, the other just sat in silence contemplating his life choices and decisions, questioning why he was stuck with such horrendous siblings.
"Fuck you Wilbur!"
"Well then fuck you Tommy!" The brunette and blonde swore at each other, kicking and pushing each other. Wilbur's back was already leaning against the door while Tommy was squashing Techno to the other side of the car.
He nonchalantly scrolled through his phone before typing 'How to change families' into the search bar.
"A few more minutes boys! But I'll only be continuing IF Techno sits in the middle." Techno's head jerked up as he stared at Phil in shock and distress. "Really? ME in the middle? As if Wilbur and Tommy can't crawl over me to attack each other before crashing their heads through the window because Tommy didn't buckle his seat belt. Might as well put him in a baby car seat." Techno scoffed, crossing his arms.
Wilbur wheezed while Tommy stared at Techno angrily, eyeing him intensely.
"Techno." Phil scowled, a stern expression forming on his face. Techno sighed and reluctantly switch places with Tommy, basically being a boarder so they would not attack each other... Well, at least he thinks they won't attack each other.
The rest of the car ride, Tommy annoyingly yanked on Techno's sleeve while Wilbur LOUDLY sang Hamilton. Tommy joined in and with both their purposely terrible singing voices Techno was officially in hell.
Fortunately, Phil turned up the volume for the radio, blocking out their voices from being heard. The problem was, it was playing Roadtrip.
"NOW THIS INTERCEPT IS PAVED WITH MEMORIES!" Tommy and Wilbur sang in unison well, shouted. Techno and Phil wheezed which almost made Phil crash into another car with his stomach hurting terribly.
"That's it, next person who sings has to fight Techno." Wilbur and Tommy clamped their mouth shut, not saying a single word and holding in their breaths. "Good." Phil smirked, finally being able to focus on parking.
"Hey what, you said sing, not speak." Tommy sheepishly grinned, clearing his throat.
"I HAVE SO MANY WIVES AND WILBUR IS A BITCH-" "Oh my god...."
They all entered the crowded mall. Boisterous children could be heard playing in the mall's indoor playground, adults were conversing, too engrossed into their conversations to even notice their child tugging on to their shirts, asking if they could buy a new toy.
"Techno, can I trust you to... Take care of Will?" Phil asked his oldest son. He nodded and grinned at Wilbur.
"WHAT? He's only 2 minutes older than me and your acting as if I'm a thousand years younger than him!" Wilbur whined.
"That's because Techno is responsible and I can't trust any of you with Tommy so he's following me." Phil explained.
Phil carefully scavenged through his wallet, not letting anyone see it or who knows when his wallet might get stolen showing it the everyone in the mall.
"Here, go buy whatever you want but if I see-"
"Thanks Phil!" Wilbur chirped, already dragging Techno to the store Techno dreaded the most.
"Can-"
"No." Phil interrupted. Tommy grumbled as Phil held his hand to bring him around the mall, not letting him wander off on his own.
"Please." Wilbur begged despite Techno's clear and obvious answer to him. Wilbur sighed and came to his only method left, annoying the shit out of Techno. [if you thought puppy eyes let's be honest, annoying would either get him a tape to the mouth or a huge orca plushie in his arms and a couple of bucks gone.]
People's eyes diverted to the two of them, with one whining and getting in a 'heated' argument while Techno just wanted to be sent to heaven so he doesn't have to see his demonic brother. "I'll buy the Orca alright?" Techno sighed in defeat, pulling out the exact amount of money needed to buy the toy.
Wilbur grinned in success before hearing another child replicating his actions of whining to their parent. He couldn't help but snicker a bit, attempting to hold back as much laughter as possible.
"Here's your stupid Orca, you don't deserve it since your a terrible role model." Techno said in a monotone voice as they walked out the store whilst the cries of children could be heard from the same store they left.
As they continued their 'incredible' adventure for tape, Wilbur noticed a nearby guitar store.
"Hey Techno-"
"If you want that guitar your going to have to burn that Orca because I need tape so you can shut up." Techno murmured under his breath, scanning the area like an hawk in search of whatever store may contain his desire of getting the fucking tape.
Overtime, his hand began getting tired of holding onto Wilbur. It had become an internal debate with himself; if he WERE to let go, that hellspawn would be let loose. But on the other hand... He needs that fucking tape. Urgently. He finally lets go and was left with one choice, interacting with people.
As Techno approached a person, Wilbur sneakily got ahold of all his money and squirmed through the crowd to reach the guitar store.
"Alright Wilbur I- Wait a second." He whispered under his breath. Wilbur was gone.
Techno dashed through the crowd, mumbling a nervous apology each time he bumped into someone... Which was all the time basically. He spotted the brunette crowning the red beanie looking through a selection of guitars and strumming them to hear what it sounded like.
"Alright! Thank you for shopping at-" "Wilbur." Wilbur froze, all colour sucked out of his body as he began sweating profusely. He slowly turned his head to see Techno standing right behind him with a pissed off expression on his face.
"Heyyyyyyyyy, what's popping blade? Let's go get the tape!" Wilbur chuckled nervously, wondering when one of Techno's remarks was going to hit him.
"Were getting tape so Tommy can shut up and so you won't be able to use your arms anymore." Techno grabbed Wilbur by the collar, dragging him out of the store. Wilbur stared at the cashier once more, mouthing out the words "help me."
"Phil! Phil! Phil" Tommy sounded like an alarm clock. Phil wanted to smash his head with the tub of ice cream Tommy had forced him to get.
"What is it Tommy?" Phil asked calmly being said through an anger filled teeth grit.
"Can I buy a toy gun?" Tommy blinked his eyelashes in hopes of getting Phil to give in.
"No." Phil turned back to look around the isle for more things to get. Tommy trudged along side Phil as they walked through the boring old isle. That was until they walked past the candy isle. His eyes lit up and he saw rows of large varieties of possible diabetes, awaiting for him. But as they walked further and further, he could feel his heart break. Desperate for just a single piece of candy, he devised a plan in his head.
"FOR THE CANDIES AND GUN!" Tommy shrieked as he aggressively pulled his arm, releasing Phil's grip on his hand. He scrambled down the isles in search for candy and toys.
Phil eyes widened in fear as he realized he had lost that sugar-addict child of his. Though, he hated to admit it but, it was better than a sand-addict. Either way, he couldn't believe how easily he had lost him already, his swift movements made him disappear at the blink of an eye.
Phil began panicking internally but remembered how there was only one exit out of the store. Not only that, Tommy didn't have the money! Or at least he thought noticing how twenty dollars were missing from his wallet.
He stared in confusion of how he could have possibly done all of that but that wasn't important, what's important was getting his son back as soon as possible or he'd be going home with only two. Actually, maybe even one [being Techno of course].
"Candies and gun acquired." Tommy whispered to himself proudly, having a bag of candy in his hand and a gun in the other. He walked towards the cashier who looked down at the lonely child with candies and a gun.
"Uh, where are your parents kid?" The worker asked, looking around the store to see if there was anyone who looked identical to him.
"Let me buy it bitch!" Tommy rudely said, plopping all his stuff down.
"Do you even have money?"
"Right here!" Tommy suspiciously handed him a twenty-dollar bill. The cashier stared at the bill and looked up at the kid. Was he even old enough to get a job? How did he get the money?
"Fine." The cashier groaned, clearly showing how he despises his job like every stereotypical cashier in every generic store. Tommy was buzzing with excitement as he was handed the plastic bag containing his goods.
"Thank you!" Tommy grinned, running off to... To where exactly?
He headed to the playground, full of other kids sliding down the slide, chasing each other and playing with their toys. Tommy noticed the rows of parents engrossed into their conversations. Despite that, they were still there for their kids and Phil wasn't there for his. Tommy nervously shifted his left, looking around in an attempt to find Phil but to no avail.
"Have you seen my son? He's about this tall, same hair and eyes as me and is annoying as fuck." Phil said, panic in his voice.
"Yeah, he bought candy and a gun from me this now with a twenty-dollar bill. I'm assuming it's yours sir?" The cashier handed the change over to Phil.
"Ah, in that case."
By the time Tommy had came back to the store, Phil was gone. He looked around the place, his eye looking at every direction but he was unable to find Phil. He walked through the crowded area, apologizing quietly as he struggled to get through.
"Tommy?" A sense of familiarity washed over him. That monotonous nonchalant voice was immediately recognisable.
"The blade! I lost Phil!" Tommy frowned sadly, frantically waving his arms.
"Well I lost Wilbur." Techno sighed.
"See Technoblade? We two think alike and are the same! I told you dumbass."
"You didn't lose Phil, Phil lost you."
"Ding."
1 Message from Wilbur [the less annoying one]
Wilbur [the less annoying one]: TECHNO
Wilbur [the less annoying one]: TECHNO
Wilbur [the less annoying one]: TECHNO
Wilbur [the less annoying one]: TECHNO
Wilbur [the less annoying one]: WHERE ARE YOU D:
Wilbur [the less annoying one]: I CANNT FID NYOU PKLEASE :((((
You [Techno]: I'm with Tommy on the 1st floor. You should be able to find us.
Wilbur [the less annoying one]: wait why are you with Tommy?
Wilbur [the less annoying one]: wasnt Phil suppose to be with him?
You [Techno]: Tommy got lost lmao
Wilbur [the less annoying one]: Okay but you would choose me over Tommy right? We can go find and bring Tommy back to Phil and continue shopping right????????? I'm your favourite brother correct????????????
You [Techno]: I would pick Phil over you guys any day. :)
Wilbur [the less annoying one]: crying
You [Techno] Okay, bye.
Techno placed his phone back in his pocket and Tommy was immediately out of his sight. "Shoot."
"Can Tommy please come to the help desk on the 2nd floor? Your father is waiting for you." Tommy began debating in his head.
"If I go to the second floor, Phil would kill me... If I don't I can roam wherever I want..." Tommy thought for a second, being stuck in a dilemma.
"FREEDOM!" Tommy roared as he ran to the playground to hide amongst the other kids. Though, he was slightly older being twelve years old but it doesn't mean he can't be immature and childish.
Phil anxiously waited for him, knowing how it was a 50/50 chance of him actually coming and him continuing with whatever journey he is on.
"Phil!" That wasn't Tommy's voice.
"Oh is this Tommy?" The lady behind the desk asked. "Nope." Phil sighed, pinching the bridge of his noise.
"I can't find Techno! It's too crowded." Wilbur frowned, leaning against the railing which prevented them from falling off.
"You guys are the same age anyways, you can handle yourself." Phil reminded.
"Then why'd you send me off with that dickhead? I could have gotten killed!"
"Because you might somehow buy the most useless things in the world without me realizing like the Orca plushie you have in your hands." Wilbur quickly hid it behind his hands, shrugging.
Cries of children could suddenly be heard downstairs. Out of curiousity, Phil looked over the railings to see Tommy dashing away whilst Techno chases after him.
"Oh my god." Phil wanted to fall on to the floor, he should have left them at home and let his wife do all the shopping but no, he decided to give his children the opportunity to cause havoc and chaos in the mall when they're at the age of 17 and 12.
"Phil I think their gonna call security on us."
"No shit, look at them." Phil ran down the escalator, risking his life just to prevent his children from being even more stupid. Wilbur on the other hand, stood peacefully on the moving escalator, slowly bringing him down to the 1st floor.
"TOMMY YOUR ICE CREAM WILL FUCKING MELT AND I AM NOT BUYING YOU ANOTHER TUB OF ICE CREAM YOU PIECE OF SHIT!" Phil yelled at the top of his lungs. Most people diverted their eyes to him until Tommy came rushing over to him.
"Let's go home now Phil! Please, please, the ice cream will melt and it'll be all your fucking fault Phil because you didn't freeze the ice cream Phil! It needs to survive Phil and your killing it Phil, Phil I thought you were my role model-" Phil quickly interrupted his rambling when he spotted Techno casually walking out the mall by himself.
"Oh my god are you serious?" Phil ran out the mall, checking that he had everything as he knew they wouldn't be letting them back in anytime soon.
"So let's see, what hell have we caused today huh boys?" Phil asked as he drove away from the mall as soon as possible.
"Well first of all, Wilbur immediately made a scene at a plushie store because he wanted to buy an orca. When that happened, it caused other kids to do so as well. Next, he stole my money and bought a brand new guitar which he immediately dropped when he saw me. After that, I went to buy tape and Wilbur wandered off somewhere then I found Tommy. Next, Tommy ran off when I was texting Wilbur and I found him in the kid's indoor playground where he attempted to blend in so I accidentally kicked a child and chased Tommy." Techno said nonchalantly, slightly leaning to the proud side at the last sentence.
"You WHAT?"