Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The soft bubbling of chemicals,the light buzzing of electricity, and more gently echoed through the large space of Mayuri’s personal lab like a baby’s mobile crooning a lullaby to a small child. It drove the blue haired scientist absolutely insane to hear. He tried his best to soothe his senses and focus on his work,but he simply couldn’t at this moment. After a few more moments,he lets out an angry sigh and snatches up modified Soul MP3 player Nemu was letting him borrow while she was away for the day. He carefully plucks off his headwear and ear decorations he’d put on for the day and slips on the headset designed specifically for him before plugging them into the device.

He scrolls through the playlists carefully,grumbling to himself in annoyance as he remembers Kisuke Urahara had given it a free upgrade to let it download music from the World of the Living. Hikaru Utada, Kyary Pamyu Pamyu, Dolly Parton, and plenty of other playlist names get ignored by the man until he finds a name that sparks his interest, Mitski. He hears Nemu talk about this artist all the time to him and to her multitude of friends,though he often was too focused on working to really pay attention to the music. He hums to himself out of curiosity and presses the shuffle button on the playlist,the first song to play was Strawberry Blond.

I love everybody
Because I love you
When you stood up
Walked away, barefoot
And the grass where you lay
Left a bed in your shape
I looked over it
And I ached

Mayuri huffs through his nose,Urahara still lingering on his mind from earlier. He remembers one time going out in a field with the blond man when they were captain and third seat. It was a year after he was freed from the Maggots’ Nest and he remembers that Hiyori was sick that day despite it now being early spring. According to Kisuke,he didn’t want to spend all day cooped up in his lab while his lieutenant was away. Not to mention it was finally cherry blossom season in the Soul Society.

I love everybody
Because I love you
I don't need the city, and I
Don't need proof
All I need, darling
Is a life in your shape
I picture it, soft
And I ache

“Why’d you even bring me along here?”
Mayuri remembers asking him,still nostalgically tasting the irritation on his tongue like he’d just said it. He can still smell the fragrant scent of freshly bloomed cherry blossoms around them and feel the cool spring air on his skin. He remembers the way Kisuke smiled at him despite his rude tone; the smile was loving and sweet and caring and so stupid. He… He really did adore at the time despite his actions.
“I didn’t want to go here alone,besides you deserve a time off for a bit.”
Kisuke had told him so brightly. He feels his face heating up again under his makeup like it had all those years ago. He can distantly sense the grass under him as he thinks back to how he sat under that lone cherry blossom tree so far from others. He remembers trying his best to subtly stare at Kisuke while his captain laid next to him,staring at the dancing flower petals in the light breeze and the bright blue sky that held the faintest hints of misty clouds. Truly the moment had been picturesque thinking back on it. A relaxing break from the labs and the Seireitei in general.

Look at you, strawberry blond

He wanted to run his fingers through the blond’s wavy hair. It looked like it’d be soft to feel in between his fingers. He opens his mouth to speak,but said desires quickly die on his tongue and leave him scrambling for words for a moment.
“Where’d you even find a place like this to laze around at? A rendezvous with Captain Kyoraku?”

Reach out the car window
Trying to hold the wind
You tell me you love her;
I give you a grin
Oh all I ever wanted was a
Life in your shape
So I follow the white lines
Follow the while lines
Keep my eyes on the road
As I ache

“Oh Yoruichi and I found it a few springs ago on a mission together. We normally go together to make it special,but she was too busy today.”
Kisuke’s tone was so bright then,but left Mayuri feeling dark. This wasn’t something special between the two of them,he had been just a replacement… He doesn’t know why he ever thought of it as something else. Urahara was simply his captain and he was forever just his third seat despite the feelings he harbored for the man. He shouldn’t let his mind fall blind to that fact again…
“When do you plan to go with her then?”
He asks curtly,seeing from his peripheral that Kisuke was looking at him in surprise before he relaxes again.
“Well we still have a little while before the cherry blossom season is over,but we were thinking maybe the 30th as she shouldn’t be too busy.”
Kisuke replied,seemingly not noticing how Mayuri tensed tightly at the mention of March 30th.

Look at you, strawberry blond
Fields rolling on
I love it when you call my name
Can you hear the bumblebees swarm?
Watching your arm
I love it when you look my way

Mayuri closes his eyes for a second and angrily chews on his lip as he thinks about after that visit,specifically on the 30th. Kisuke was busy finishing up the work he needed to to leave while Hiyori was bugging him about leaving her there to “babysit” Akon and him and the other division members. He couldn’t have cared less about it though at that moment,but at least Akon was working diligently beside him. However soon the dark haired child said something that seemed to make the time in the room freeze.
“Happy birthday by the way,Kurotsuchi-san.”

All eyes in the lab were on him as everyone came to the realization it was his birthday. He remembers people fumbling out awkward birthday wishes to him while Hiyori had started chewing him out for not saying anything sooner. However the worst of all was Kisuke who was stunned silent,his eyes looking soft and apologetic for whatever reason. He remembers how he stormed out of the room without addressing anyone,he knows from Akon apologizing later that he looked angry but really he was just hoping no one saw how he was tearing up over Urahara’s gaze.

Look at you, strawberry blond
Fields rolling on
I love it when you call my name
Can you hear the bumblebees swarm?
Watching your arm
I love it when you look my way

The worst part of that day came after Kisuke’s trip though. He’d managed to go back to work mostly unbothered and left alone despite it now being public knowledge what today was. However as he was wrapping up for the night,he felt a hand on his shoulder that made him jump.
“Sorry to scare you Kurotsuchi-san,I just wanted to say happy birthday before it was midnight.”
Kisuke says gently as he moves his hand away. Mayuri wanted to say so much to that,but simply looked away from him and continued what he was doing. It felt like an eternity until Kisuke put a small gift box in front of him.
“I hope you like this,it’s the best I could get on short notice.”
He said,clearly trying to initiate a conversation again. Mayuri remembers how he simply stared at it for a bit before he picked it up. He had almost just walked away with it,but one glance at Kisuke showed a brief look of disappointment panged in his eyes. It wasn’t like the gift was anything too special,it was simply a thin olive green obi,but clearly it meant something to Kisuke to get it for him. He remembers how his expression lit back up as he quickly opened it in front of him.

“So what do you think?”
Kisuke asked quietly as Mayuri stared at the simple fabric in front of him. He didn’t know how to respond to the question honestly looking back on it. He neither loved it nor hated it even now. Maybe that’s why he answered him like he did.
“It’s olive green,the 12th Division's color.”
Even now he cringed at what he said and he could tell that’s also not what Kisuke wanted to hear.
“Yeah,I thought it’d be a good way to show you’re a real part of the squad and more than where you were before,I would’ve commissioned one with a thistle on it but…”
His voice had been awkward and unsure,not what the blue haired scientist was used to with him. Even now he doesn't associate those words with the man. Instead of saying anything else though,he simply scurried away to his room without even a goodbye to his captain. But the gift from him still clutched in his hand like a precious item.

Look at you, strawberry blond
Fields rolling on
I love it when you call my name
Can you hear the bumblebees swarm?
Watching your arm
I love it when you look my way
Isaiah, Isaiah, Isaiah, Isaiah, Isaiah, Isaiah

He pauses the song a second before it ends and shakily sighs. Some of his paperwork was done now,surprisingly still well done despite his mind having been somewhere else for the last few minutes. He could feel his eyes getting dewy as he tries suppressing the ghost of what he just unearthed in his head again. He hates it when he lets himself linger on thoughts of Kisuke. Sure after everything with Aizen he learned Kisuke didn’t just use him to betray the Soul Society,yet… The feeling of betrayal still lingered for him. While people like Soi-Fon and so many others were so quick to accept and forgive; he still felt like a horrible injustice had been done to him.

Kisuke had held a certain respect for him even then,yet he didn’t tell him anything. He was left captain-less and lieutenant-less as a third seat who didn’t even have his shikai yet. He was left having to play leader for a squad full of strangers to him and caretaker of the labs. He only had Akon as the closest thing to a constant in his life at that point. It had felt like his boat was sinking and the lifeboats had been stolen away. Sure he’d always wanted to control the labs all by himself eventually,but he hadn’t been ready yet. He still needed help… He still needed guidance and someone to tell him what to do properly! Their time working together had been so brief,much like the cherry blossom season that lingered in his mind still. The flowers are blooming one minute and the next they’re gone…

Mayuri lets out an angry sob and slams his hand down on his desk,rattling it and the different things resting on it. Damn it,damn it! This is exactly why he can’t let himself linger too much on Urahara… It always ends up just like this… He sighs and composes himself,grabbing the next papers he needs to do while ignoring the tears dripping down his cheeks slowly. After settling down and setting his materials back up,he hits play on the next song,hoping thoughts of his past captain aren't the theme of the night for him.

Chapter Text

Toss your dirty shoes in my washing machine heart
Baby, bang it up inside
I'm not wearing my usual lipstick
I thought maybe we would kiss tonight
Baby will you kiss me already and
Toss your dirty shoes in my washing machine heart
Baby, bang it up inside

Mayuri relaxes his tense shoulders,thinking of his last relationship now as the music engulfs his mind again. Who would’ve thought an intellectual like himself would’ve gotten into a relationship with a savage like Kenpachi Zaraki. Admittedly,it wasn’t a horrible relationship in the slightest. A little dysfunctional sure,but… But that was on him and not Kenpachi in the slightest. He had so many emotional issues and so many expectations for the two of them and just… He was a wreck and unable to fully give himself to Kenpachi fully like he dreamed to. No matter how much he tried handling Kenpachi’s emotions,his own simply got in the way.

Baby, though I've closed my eyes
I know who you pretend I am
I know who you pretend I am

He remembers the night Kenpachi finally admitted he saw through Mayuri and saw his obvious feelings. It hurt to hear that and he instinctively got defensive.
“I haven’t the slightest idea what you’re talking about,Kenpachi.”
“Don’t lie,you know exactly what I’m talking about. I’m just a way for you to express your desires for someone else,you don’t love me for me.”
“Don’t be ridiculous! Of course you’re not that to me!”
“Then say it,say you love me…”
Those words felt like they froze the room,Mayuri even stiffening up in his arms. His jaw twitched,wanting to say it,yet no words came from his lips.

Do mi ti
Why not me?
Why not me?

The new emotional distance between the couple since that night was painfully obvious at the next captain’s meeting. The two of them didn’t even look at each other when Zaraki was usually shameless in his lecherous stares at Kurotsuchi. Not to mention the fact Kurotsuchi was stark silent when he usually got extremely argumentative at meetings. Mayuri simply knew everyone was judging him and more than likely blaming him for causing such a riff. He could feel it… Everyone glaring down at him like the useless maggot they saw him as… He didn’t enjoy it in the slightest… As soon as the meeting was over,he left the room as soon as Kenpachi left so he didn’t awkwardly interact with him. However, not too long after he leaves,he feels someone grab his shoulder and coo to him.
“Trouble in the marital bed~?”
It was Gin Ichimaru,a silver haired snake of a captain that Mayuri didn’t care about in the slightest. He jerks away aggressively and wipes his sleeve where he’d been touched. He didn’t think Gin was dirty or anything,it just didn’t feel good to be touched like that.
“Me and Captain Zaraki have never been married and never will be!”
The blue haired scientist growls,glancing at Gin and seeing Captain Aizen was approaching them now. Great just what he needs,more fellow captains to bother him!
“Captain Ichimaru,leave him be. A nd Captain Kurotsuchi if you want,you can come talk to me about-”
Aizen starts to politely say with his usual expression that gives the impression butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth,but Mayuri swiftly interrupts.
“No! I don’t need to talk about anything,especially to another captain I barely even know! Goodbye and don’t bother me again unless it’s something about my division and worklife!”
He hated how loud his own voice sounded to him at that moment… He felt like everyone was judging him more… He could hear whispers start up amongst nearby lower ranks as he stormed off and it made his stomach churn and his eyes to water up a little. Damn it! Why’s he always so sensitive…? He walled himself up so thickly,yet he always gets like this at the slightest thought of people being upset with him…

Do mi ti
Why not me?
Why not me?

It’d been a few days since their argument and Kenpachi had barely talked to Mayuri. He wished he could get the man to stop avoiding him and just talk with him… It took forever but eventually he managed to find an opening to talk to him.
“Captain Zaraki,come with me,I need to talk to you.”
Mayuri states bluntly,making the dark haired warrior glance at him. His gaze felt uncharacteristically cold to Mayuri which simply let him know how badly he’d messed up this time around.
“What’s there to talk about? You don’t love me,so we’re separated.”
“I do love you! I just… I just can’t easily say something like that…”
“Then we shouldn’t be together,I understand physical and verbal affirmations better than gifts and what not.”
Those words stung Mayuri to his very core. Of course he’d realized early on that their ways to show love and affection were different,but he didn’t think it’d cause a rift like this between the two of them. After all,they were so in love at first… He made so much for Kenpachi and spent as much time as he could with him… But his inability to vocally express affection was a bigger problem than he’d assumed…
“Is that all now,Kurotsuchi? Goodnight,you’ve made me think too much.”
“Please,Kenpachi… Let’s just talk about this later…”
He quietly begs as he watches the buff man walk away from him.

Do mi ti
Why not me?
Why not me?

They never did have that talk about their relationship again. Not too long after then the Ryoka Invasion happened and everything with Aizen and his group then there was the war with the arrancars. They both simply got too busy. Before Mayuri could think anymore about it,he’s jolted from his thoughts by a hand on his shoulder. He angrily slips his headphones off and looks at who did it,seeing Akon.
“Sorry to break your focus captain,but you were picking your face again and…”
Akon trails off as Mayuri feels his cheek,feeling he’d picked a minor wound in it again. He huffs a thank you to Akon and heals it with a minor healing kido spell. Akon nods and hands over some more paperwork and grabs Mayuri one of the stim toys from his desk for him to toy with as he works this time. Mayuri sighs to himself and puts his headphones on again,fidgeting with what was handed to him this time as he goes back to working. Maybe he should try talking to Kenpachi again… Then again after the Arrancar War,the dark haired man didn’t seem remotely interested in him. Hell,if anything,he seemed more interested in Captain Kuchiki after that than him... Oh well,at least he still had someone who still seemed interested in him...

Chapter Text

I steal a few breaths
From the world for a minute
And then I'll be nothing forever
And all of my memories
And all of the things I have seen
Will be gone
With my eyes with my body with me

As Mayuri slips himself back into his hyperfocus state on his work,his mind starts drifting off back to after the war. Before they all went back to the Soul Society a good group of them gathered in a place he hardly wanted to be in,the Urahara Shoten. The place was crowded and loud,making him feel claustrophobic and overwhelmed. He recalls how he managed to slip away from the other groups like those still getting tended to,the Vizards,Kurosaki’s group, and Urahara’s staff. Normally he’d have his daughter with him,but he knew she was good at medical things much like himself,so instead he told her she should help the med teams the best she can with her skills. He remembers closing his eyes as he stuffed himself in the corner of whatever room he’d found. Part of it looked familiar to him,being all lab equipment he knew Kisuke used, and the other half gave the impression it was a bedroom. Did Kisuke really combine part of his lab and his bedroom? Honestly he can see the appeal of that idea; simply laying oneself right in bed after working hard on a new creation or discovery… He sighs to himself then stiffens up when he hears the door to the room slide open and a familiar reitsu enters the room.

But me and my husband
We're doing better
It's always been just him and me
Together
So I bet all I have on that
Furrowed brow

“Kurotsuchi-san! There you are,I was looking for you.”
The blond scientist turned shopkeep chirps to his past coworker. Mayuri covers his ears in agitation and semi-involuntarily glares at the man.
“What do you want Urahara?”
He growls,getting a chuckle from the man as he starts approaching him.
“Well first off,I should be asking you that question considering you’re currently in my room. Secondly, I just wanted to check up on you; I heard you defeated an Espada by yourself plus I heard that you were the one who figured out how to open a Garganta to Hueco Mundo and back.”
Mayuri stares at the man,trying to figure out what possible goal he could possibly have by asking him that. Did he just intend on making fun of him or was he actually concerned and impressed? Finally he simply looks away and huffs through his nose.
“Technically that Quincy boy Uryu and Lieutenant Abarai as well as my daughter were there and the other two fought him first,but yes I was the one who defeated him. He was nothing but a useless thinker who thought only of perfection,an idiot in all honesty. And yes I did figure out how to open up a Garganta,though as I was very rudely informed by Kurosaki Ichigo, I know you performed that feat as well.”
He admits as he hears Kisuke sit down next to him. He can hear him chuckle some more and practically hear that damn smile of his. It was as obnoxious as it was relieving to Mayuri.
“Sorry Kurosaki-kun was the one to tell you,but yes I know how to as well. However, that was after months of research and a year of trial and error,but you figured it out in a matter of days. That’s beyond impressive Kurotsuchi.”

And at least in this lifetime
We're sticking together
Me and my husband
We're sticking together

Mayuri was hardly expecting a compliment from Kisuke of all people. One of the smartest people the whole Soul Society has ever known and one of the people that just helped take down Aizen just complimented him on something small he’d done. He fell silent for a few good moments,unsure of how to react to it. If it was just a prank then it was beyond cruel to do especially in this moment of all time,but if it was genuine then what’s he to say? Should he thank him or act humble or… After a little longer of the two of them sitting in awkward silence,Mayuri forces a soft scoff.
“Thank you,but it was hardly anything at all.”
“Oh I’m sure it was easy for you,that’s why it’s so impressive.”
That threw him off again,he wasn’t sure what he should do and Kisuke’s face was still unreadable nice… Finally his fellow scientist spoke again to change the subject as though he realized Mayuri was left wordless from him.
“So why did you go into this room? Clearly it’s not to steal information and secret experiments from me,”
Kisuke jokes calmly before continuing on casually,
“So did you just need a quiet place to relax and cool down before you…”
He stopped talking in a polite way,clearly not wanting to make Mayuri uncomfortable about his occasional angry breakdowns when he got overstimulated by people. Mayuri sighs and gives a light nod to Kisuke,closing his eyes. Of course the other reason was to avoid his now ex-lover,but he didn’t want to tell Kisuke about that unprompted.
“Well if you feel a little better now,would you like to step out to the crowd again for a bit?”
Kisuke asks him while extending a hand to Mayuri. Even though he was barely recovered sensory wise,he couldn’t help grabbing that hand carefully. He felt like he was back in that moment in the Maggot’s Nest again where Urahara recruited him for his squad… Part of him hated feeling like that,but he also loved it. Even now in the present he shuttered lightly at the feeling of mixed emotion nostalgia from the thought of it.

And I am the idiot with the painted face
In the corner, taking up space
But when he walks in, I am loved, I am loved

Mayuri felt awkward standing by Urahara’s side as he walked around checking on everything happening in the Shoten,but he didn’t know what else to do with himself… But despite that and despite feeling judgemental glares on him occasionally, Kisuke kept checking on how he was feeling after every few handfuls of interactions. It was the most genuinely cared about he’s felt from someone who wasn’t his daughter or Akon since his break-up. It felt so special to him… He could feel his emotions from so many years ago for the man start to bubble up again. For so long after that fateful night for so many,he’d been convinced he’d simply been used and that Kisuke never held any genuine feelings of any kind for him,but just the mildest form of comfort was making those feelings melt away slowly. Of course he’d never admit such a thing,but he could feel himself starting to mildly flush under his makeup. Mayuri continued silently following behind Kisuke like his shadow,not bothering to address anyone himself unless they spoke to him first. It was all going so smoothly… Until they approached Kenpachi and started talking to him. Despite his conversation being with Kisuke,his eye never left Mayuri… Until Kisuke made sure he was right in front of Mayuri,blocking Mayuri’s view of him and Kenpachi’s view of Mayuri. Mayuri recognized this behavior almost instantly from Kisuke. Back in his third seat days, whenever people started getting too aggressive with Hiyori or Akon or him,Kisuke would put himself in front of them. It’s been years until today since he and Kisuke had a proper conversation with each other and the man still protected him… Part of him was flattered by the behavior while the other part of him was mildly offended. He was a captain of the Gotei 13 with both his shikai and bankai,not some third seat who could barely even talk to his zanpakuto! But on the other hand,it helped put distance between him and Zaraki for now. While he’s sure the other man wouldn’t do anything, Mayuri still didn’t want to really interact with him. It was soon after they walked away from Kenpachi that Urahara led him right back to his bedroom,something clearly bothering the blond man now.

Me and my husband
We're doing better
It's always been just him and me
Together
So I bet all I have on that
Furrowed brow

“Do you mind telling me what happened with you and Captain Zaraki,Kurotsuchi-san?”
Kisuke asks,trying to play it off as casual between him and Mayuri. However Mayuri easily saw the annoyed twitch in Kisuke’s jaw and how his brows were mildly furrowed as he thought of what just happened. Yet… His eyes were so warm and soft as he looked at Mayuri that his usual defenses simply shattered. Maybe it was from the stress of everything that’d been happening that fully pushed him to this edge,but he told Kisuke everything that happened between Kenpachi and him. He could feel a few tears streak down his face as he talks. He hated the fact he was crying over something like this in front of someone else he liked,but he’s quickly soothed when he feels Kisuke carefully wiping up his tears. It feels so tender to have his hand right there against his cheek…
“I understand now… Let’s talk about something else,shall we?”

And at least in this lifetime
We're sticking together
Me and my husband
We're sticking together
Me and my husband
We're doing better

And talk they did. Kisuke let him talk about so much to him. From little life things with Nemu to new discoveries he’s made to what he plans to do to Szayelaporro’s lab. It felt so comforting to finally have someone to talk to besides his daughter and Akon. Someone who understood his thought process,his scientific desires, and more. But best of all to him has to be how Kisuke never ridiculed his different morally questionable ideas. In fact,the man even offered to help him raid the deceased arrancar scientist’s lab and find things that might be of his interest for him. It’d been so long since he’s had someone match him like Kisuke does. While of course there’s plenty of ideal and want differences between the two of them,Mayuri couldn’t help remembering how close morally they tended to be. Most people forgot that about them as Mayuri was more shameless in his behavior while Kisuke kept it under polite wraps. He didn’t mind it though… It simply added to Kisuke’s character like his behavior added to his.

Mayuri pauses the song right before it ends and rubs his eyes softly. If he remembers that night right,Kisuke let him sleep in that room with him. Of course they weren’t in the same bed,they simply shared the room together. It was relaxing to say the least… Normally Mayuri struggled to fall asleep and staying asleep,but Kisuke’s reistu felt nice and comforting to sleep with. It was like a warm electric blanket covering him,but not suffocating him much like Zaraki’s tended to do when they slept together. Mayuri sighs to himself and shakes his head. He shouldn’t be rethinking that unless he wants to get his heart sappy and make himself blush like a schoolgirl thinking of her highschool sweetheart. Though… It still felt so special that he was able to have such a surprisingly wholesome moment like that with the man everyone compares him to. Even before Kisuke’s innocence had been proven, people used to call him inferior to his predecessor. It’d always been rather upsetting to Mayuri,even now it made his blood boil. He’d done every little thing he could to separate himself and his work from the man,but everyone still found some way to compare it to Urahara’s achievements… He can’t hold it against the man,after all it’s not Kissuke’s fault everyone liked him more. Hell if there was anyone to blame for his poor reputation it’s Mayuri himself. He wasn’t exactly the friendliest or most outstanding individuel there was. He even made mistakes with his daughter that he’s now doing his best to repent for even if his daughter couldn’t care less and already forgives him for.

Chapter Text

I don't know what to do without you
I don't know where to put my hands
I've been trying to lay my head down
But I'm writing this at three AM

Mayuri sighs and shakes his head a little as he tries collecting his thoughts back on his work again,after all that was his last interaction with Kisuke as of late,so there can’t be anything else to think of right? He was alone and working,without him anywhere nearby. Alone and without him like the first night the blond had been exiled… He hates how vividly the details come to life for him in his mind... The Twelfth was so silent that day,hardly a murmur to be found. Not only were they down a captain and lieutenant, but so much of the research Urahara had been working on had gotten confiscated. Even Akon was out of it that day and mostly just cleaning instead of working. But Mayuri was sitting in the labs,working on the project he had started a week ago from that day. He was silent,not even paying a glance to anything around him. Something deep in him ached in desperate pain over everything that’d just happened despite his best efforts to not act bothered about it. After all,shouldn’t he be happy? He finally has everything he’s ever wanted laying right in front of him… He’s now the head of the Shinigami Research and Development Institute and he has no one to get in his way anymore… No Hiyori to yell at him and lord her lieutenant position over his head… No Urahara to overshadow him and his work… Yet as he stares at the paper in front of him,he can see drips of water causing the drying ink from his brush to run.
“Must be a leak somewhere…”
He mutters to himself as he wipes his eyes carefully so his makeup doesn't smudge. Mayuri soon sets his brush down to the side,deciding to clean it later… He grabs the paper he was working on and rips it in half. There’s no reason to do a project to impress Kisuke if he’s not here to look over it anymore…

I don't need the world to see
That I've been the best I can be, but
I don't think I could stand to be
Where you don't see me

Not even a full week later he was forced to shuffle his way to the captain meeting hall for a meeting. Sure he was just a third seat who hadn’t even mastered shikai yet,but he was the best his squad had to a leader right now,so he was told he had to attend. It wasn’t the first time he’s walked there,having followed Urahara a few times in the past and staying with the lieutenants in their area. But that didn’t mean it was any less nerve wracking this time around. From the obvious whispers others were making about him as he made his way to the relentless stares from the seated officers of other divisions that based him; he was becoming a mess more and more internally. He didn’t let his face show it though beyond a firm scowl plastered on. The jumble of feelings he had only got worse when he finally entered the Captains Meeting Hall for the meeting. It felt like everyone was staring right at him,and why shouldn’t they be? He was the odd one out here after all,not just because of his age and position,but because he was the only one here without even so much as a shikai. He was weaker than all of them technically,most would even say he didn’t deserve to be here and part of him couldn’t help but agree with the sentiment. Yet he still just went to where he was meant to stand and kept his head up. He couldn’t care less about the idiotic drool and speeches that poured from everyone’s mouths. The only thing that caught his attention was when the head captain called upon him for a report on how his division was doing.
“What do you think,sir? We’re down a captain and lieutenant and most of the people not in the labs don’t even know my name!”

Rude talk like that gets the reactions he expects from the others; mostly outrage at how rude he was,but also some of the kinder ones point out how he also just lost his lieutenant and captain and the emotions he must be so overwhelmed with from everything that’s happened to him. He hated the look on all his defenders’ faces,especially Lieutenant Aizen. The glasses wearing brunet looked too pitying of him in his opinion and he hated it. He didn’t need pity… He didn’t want pity! He… He didn’t know what he wanted,just not this. Before the meeting even ended,he left the room while turning his ear vents the right way to deafen himself to the world. Mayuri didn’t want to deal with anyone right now…

On sunny days I go out walking
I end up on a tree-lined street
I look up at the gaps of sunlight
I miss you more than anything

A few days from the meeting passed by quietly and slowly. Mayuri had been hauling himself up in his lab for the last few days,but he was finally out walking again. The sun was shining brightly above him,yet he stayed in the shade the best he could. People avoided him the best they could,not wanting to cross paths with the scientist even more than normal. It was laughable to him, honestly. They were so frightened of him when he hadn’t even done anything to provoke such a reaction besides exist and be in the Twelfth. Then again maybe this is how they always would’ve treated him. He’d never really know would he? After all,before now, he always had him with him by his side. In a way he protected him from any fearful glances or hateful glares. Kisuke brought him a sense of peace before now… The blue haired man quietly looks up at the leaves of the tree he’s gotten himself under,noting to himself how the olive hued foliage protected him from the harsh sun rays. Mayuri clenches his fists and squeezes his eyes shut as tight as he could in anger and agony. How dare he! How dare that man use him! How dare he take advantage of his genius! How dare he act like he ever cared for him! How dare… How dare he leave him… How dare he abandon him off to the side,leaving him alone yet again. He thought… He thought he’d finally found someone who understood him… He hates being made the fool,especially like this. He wipes his eyes with one hand before repeatedly hitting his forehead with his closed fist. He’ll never be the fool again! He’ll never let anyone take advantage of him again! Even if he has to push them all away… It’ll be worth it to be safe finally. To be loved,even if it’s his own fragil,empty self-love.

I don't need the world to see
That I've been the best I can be, but
I don't think I could stand to be
Where you don't see me

Mayuri focused all the time he could into working in the labs. He was reclusive to everyone,even Akon who was doing his best to be the assistant Mayuri needed in the projects. Mayuri gave himself as many body enhancements as he could in the time he hauled himself up in the lab,much to the detriment of his dwindling weight. Though the place was sterilized and cleaned after each experiment,the scent of blood weighed heavily in the air. By the time of the next meeting,he felt like a completely different man. The stares of those around him didn’t bother him that much this time. This time he was focused on an experiment he wanted to try. He barely paid attention to a word said. In fact he was so focused on his goal that he barely heard one of the remaining captains offering him to get something to drink after the meeting had ended. He rolls his eyes and starts to walk away.
“Excuse me,Kurotsuchi-san,I don’t mean to pry but are you alright? It looks like you’ve lost a lot of weight.”
Ukitake says to the man. Mayuri just glares at the man before storming off.
“I’m fine! And yes I have! I like the weight I’ve lost!”
He simply yells to the man. He didn’t care about the looks it got him. They weren't the ones he wanted to see him… He sighs to himself and heads back to the lab,silently hoping more experiments will help distract him from thinking about Him again…

And autumn comes when you're not yet done
With the summer passing by, but
I don't think I could stand to be
Where you don't see me

Mayuri sighs and wipes his eyes,having teared up when he got stuck in his thoughts. He can still feel the pain of betrayal when he was told Urahara was a traitor. Even though now he knows it’s not true,his heart still aches. He looks down at the paper in front of him,seeing small wet drops on it. He shakes his head softly and closes his eyes to ignore the stinging of his eyes.
“There must be a leak…”
He mumbles to himself.