Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Killua is just 12 the first time he sees him.

It’s because it’s summer, he guesses, and normal kids don’t have to go to school.

Not that he seems like a normal kid.

Up here in between the tree’s branches, not even Illumi can see him, so even when his brother is not home, coming here has become a habit. It’s not only that he’s under the cool shadow provided by the canopy of the trees, but also the illusion that his mother’s eyes can’t observe him. He can see almost the entirety of the front garden and the door, and even a bit of the outside.

He has never had any interest whatsoever in the neighbors’ garden, but there is a boy in it today. Killua is just 12, but he knows a lot of stuff about himself.

Killua is only 12, and a little more than weird, so he doesn’t know a lot of things about others.

Say, that it’s weird to stare.

“Hey!”

Killua ducks, feet hitting the ground swiftly, and runs back home.

*

It’s either putting up with Milluki and the butlers at home, or hiding in the garden, so he ends up coming back. He’s prepared this time, with enough food and water to resist the summer heat until something interesting happens again.

The boy appears, almost invoked by Killua’s wishful thinking, and climbs a tree with no difficulty, fishing rod firmly held in his mouth. He sits, putting on some weird and useless plant disguise, and lets the thread fall to the small pond that their front gardens share.

Only the brush of the leaves when the wind caresses them can be heard in the silent garden. That and Killua’s heartbeat, witness to the resolute smile in the boy’s cheeks. Killua has many abilities, and he had always thought they were enough, but today, hiding in between these branches, he wishes he knew how to draw.

*

Killua brings paper the next time.

He’s a talented person. He will have this down in no time. The boy sits still enough for Killua to practice, anyway.

Or he used to.

Today, he gets the fish relatively early, and Killua huffs, ready for him to leave. Instead, he takes it, inspects it carefully, writes some stuff in a notebook and then climbs down, to deposit it carefully back in the pond.

He stretches, with a satisfied smile on his freckled face — yes, Killua has stared a lot — and 

and he waves at him.

Killua blinks, as the boy waves and jumps in Killua’s direction. He cups his hands around his face, as Killua quickly puts his things back in his bag.

“Did you see it? It was a carp!”

*

Killua, despite what his parents want, is an idiot, so he comes back.

The boy, of course, does too.

He climbs his tree without his fishing rod, and Killua watches silently as he opens his green backpack and takes some paper and a pen out of it. He glances once in Killua’s way, hand over his squinting eyes, and beams . Sooner than Killua can make up his mind about leaving or not, now that he has been found out for good, the boy has finished whatever he’s doing on his paper and is folding it carefully.

Killua blinks as the boy stands up, perfectly balanced on a tree branch, and throws what he obviously intended to be an airplane into the air.

To his credit, it flies. It flies enough to cross the distance between their gardens, but it doesn’t get anywhere near Killua.

Surprising himself, Killua jumps down, hands crossed behind his head as he walks, and slowly, because he doesn’t care that much, you know, takes the paper airplane from the ground. He side eyes the boy, who’s grinning widely, perched like a dumb bird over the tree branch, and he opens it arching an unimpressed eyebrow.

Hi! What’s your name? I’m Gon, and I’m 12!

Killua looks at him again, and folds the note, walking back to his tree. He scribbles his answer in the paper, and folds it into an actual paper plane, one that will reach Gon. To show him, obviously.

*

Gon is going to be here for the entire summer because his father has custody of him during it, something that even though it clearly hints at family drama that you shouldn’t share with a stranger, Gon doesn’t have any problems talking about. His father is never actually home, busy working in a submarine excavation, and Gon has all the summer to explore the mountain on his own.

Killua tells himself not to get attached because it’s a summer, only a summer, and then Gon will leave back to his island and his aunt, and he will forget Killua, who will be alone again.

But Gon is light, sweeping between all the little cracks of Killua’s carefully shut windows, and Killua can’t help but bask in it. Because Gon is smiles and summer and watermelon and lemonade, and Gon is talking to Canary again and taking a seedy bus and going down to the village Killua has always been banned from. Gon is seashells jumping in the waves and getting knocked down in the sand, and sea water in his nose. And Gon is walks on the mountains, and learning about different animals, and eating blueberries while watching the sunset. Gon is his handmade remedy for mosquito bites, and his song and magic kiss for knee scratches.

Gon is Killua’s first true friend, possibly Killua's first crush, and Gon will be most likely Killua’s first broken heart, when September paints the leaves of their trees an ugly yellow, and Aunt Mito inevitably comes to pick him up.

*

But you’ll write, right Ki-llu-a? Gon had said, had begged , caramel honey eyes star filled with hope. Killua’s heart had bled, but of course he had said yes, and today, October and already chilly up here in their tree, he writes his first letter.

*

Whale Island is so small, Killua, and the town is even smaller. Aunt Mito always says it’s cute like that, ‘nestled between the port and the forest’, and doesn’t want it to get bigger. I guess I’m okay with that, but I get bored easily. Your house is bigger than my school!! 

My favorite part is the forest, for sure. Now that it’s not too cold or stormy yet, I can go and play there all afternoon if I want. You’d love it! 

Since you don’t go to school, I’ll keep you updated on everything that happens in mine. We’re only 10 kids in my class, so it’s not like a lot happens, but I thought you might like it! It’s kind of a second hand experience, but if you’re okay with that, I’d love to share this with you.

*

Thanks. I’d love to hear what goes on at your school. It sucks here, but Illumi is going to university to finish his undergrad this year, so he can’t meddle with my homeschooling anymore. Thankfully.

He has sent someone personally to keep tabs on me and my education, though. So now I have to deal not only with the ones chosen by my mother but also the one chosen by Illumi.

It sucks.

I’d really rather be in your shitty school. Even though I bet you don’t even have proper desks.

*

As predicted, life is hell.

But now he has Gon’s letters to look forward to. He has their spot, a blind point from the Zoldyck mansion, to read them, and to write the answers.

Killua spends an embarrassingly large amount of time writing each letter. And even though he wants to answer as soon as he gets them, he also waits to have something worth writing about.

*

Killua pours a lot of emotions in his letters. Much more than he’d like, worlds more than he’s supposed to even feel. Much less for a friend, Kil, you don’t need those. You have your family, you have us, us, us. 

But the fact is that he does. He has to throw away perfectly well composed letters because he wrote a miss you out of impulse. Or those in which he found himself writing about how much he hated his family. How alone he felt in this prison they make him call home. How much he’d wish he could leave, he could have friends.

Gon didn’t want to hear about all that.

Gon had those things. Why would he want his mood to sour listening to Killua’s pitiful life. He’d managed to trick him into thinking that Killua’s worthy of being Gon’s friend, so he couldn’t fuck up all that with feelings .

But when his house, Gon’s house , had been finally rented by new people, a couple of writers that wanted to use the silence of the mountain to get inspired — or so Gottoh had told him — he couldn’t help it.

He wrote, and he wrote angrily.

How dare they how dare they how dare they that’s your place, how dare they occupy it, I’ll make them go so you can come back, I promise-

*

Gon had been sad, and Killua’s heart took the blow, reading his words on the notebook sheet, filled with doodles that Gon carefully decorated the letters with. Gon was sad, but it’s okay, it’s okay Killua, Ging knows a lot of people, he will find another house. It’s okay, I promise. How are you, though? You don’t sound well. I miss you!

And how can Killua tell him that he is not well? That he’s not well because he failed, he failed them both, and Killua simply doesn’t fail. Failing is not an option. If there’s one thing he agrees with his family on, it’s that you have to treasure what you love, and Killua has let two nobodies occupy Gon’s rightful place besides him.

*

They don’t really celebrate Christmas in the Zoldyck family, not more than taking a photo for appearances, but Gon sends him a package with all types of typical food from Whale Island, seashells, and a friendship bracelet he made himself.

Illumi comes back home, but for the first time in his life, Killua doesn’t care.

He ties the green and blue cords around his wrist and pulls the long sleeves of his sweater down, ready to greet his family.

*

I know you said you’d figure it out, but it’s February already and they were still there; I even saw one of them in your bedroom the other day and I had to.

I drove them away. You can come back.

*

No, silly, there's no winter in Whale Island. There’s wet and dry season, and right now it’s wet season, so I can’t really go out because of the storms. Aunt Mito is teaching me how to knit. We’ll finish my first blanket in no time!

But not going to lie, I’d rather be attending parties, like you.

Killua grimaces, looking at the suit sitting on his bed. Even though Gon seems to find the stupid parties the Zoldycks throw infinitely more interesting, there’s nothing Killua wouldn’t rather do than be there, next to him, eating the squid soup that Gon insists is not as bad as it sounds really, Killua, I know it sounds gross but it has mussels the fishers bring from the beach and sometimes potatoes-

His parents want him to start learning the ropes, to start meeting people and making connections. So, Killua grabs his glass and stays in a corner, sipping, and tries to memorize the most ridiculous outfits and the most obnoxious things he hears people say to write about it later to Gon.

The canapes, bruschettas, and lobster don’t hold anything to Gon’s aunt’s cooking, Killua just knows.

*

It’s sunny out again!! So I’ve been going more to the forest. It’s too chilly still to go to the beach, but one of my classmates agreed to come with me if we don’t go too deep into the forest.

That’s okay, I like him well enough, it’s fun to have someone to spend the evenings with.

You wouldn’t be scared of going into the forest with me, would you Killua?

*

It’s only April when Gon tells him he won’t be able to go back this summer.

All things considered, Killua takes it well.

Which means that he could have taken it better, not that he doesn’t punch his wall five times. When Tsubone is bandaging his hand hours later, he tells her that he’s angry about Alluka’s situation which is not a lie. His parents are assholes, but at least they are finally agreeing to send her to a girls’ school. Not that Killua understands why he can’t go to normal schools, but whatever.

It’s not that Killua isn’t used to things going to shit. He very much is. 

But it felt nice to live in the illusion for a while.

*

It’s fine. Whatever. I get it, your father works in other places.

There isn’t much worth seeing here, anyways

I hope you have a fun time wherever you end up going to. You’ll send me shit from there, right?

Anyway, you won’t believe what Milluki did the other day-

*

So I failed a geometry test. It just doesn’t make sense to me Killua! I tried! Zushi offered to help me, but in the end I failed anyways and Mito told me she won’t buy me paper and stamps until I pass.

She’s really angry, angrier than that one time I fell from the tree and broke my arm. 

So this might be my last letter in a while. I’m sorry.

*

I know you’ll pass. Eventually, because you are kind of an idiot. But in the meantime, here’s some more stamps, just in case.

There’s also math notebooks in the package. They are mine. I wrote explanations in the corners. I don’t know how much more advanced it is to the math you study at school, so I sent a bunch of them from past years too.

Hurry up and pass.

*

The island after wet season is so beautiful, Killua. I’ve really tried to draw something for you so you can see it, but even with Retz’s fancy crayons, I haven’t managed to do it justice. So I saved some money from my allowance and commissioned one of the old ladies at the port to draw it for me! I’m sending it with this letter, it’s kinda small but I hope you like it!  

He wishes he could hang it, proudly, as it deserves, so everyone in the entire world can see it, but he has to hide it, as many other things, in Gon’s old bedroom. Kalluto has started asking about his mail, and he’s not ready to share Gon with his family. Not yet, possibly not ever.

Since nobody has dared rent the neighbouring house again, Killua keeps coming back, to hide everything.

He doesn’t tell Gon.

*

KILLUA!!! YOU WON’T BELIEVE IT!! KITE CAME BY FOR MY BIRTHDAY!!! WHICH IS ALWAYS GOOD BUT THE IMPORTANT THING!! HE SAID HE’S NOT WORKING THIS SUMMER SO HE MIGHT BE ABLE TO TAKE ME TO YOURS!!!

Padokea has many animals that he’s always wanted to study, he says, but I know it’s an excuse to take me there. Kite is the best. You’ll see when you meet him!!

Cause I’m definitely going this summer!!!!!!!!!!!!

*

Illumi is about to finish his degree, and he’s coming back home too, so we’ll have to be careful. Thank you for the invitation, but my parents would lose it if I stayed at yours, even if it’s only one night. I’m sorry.

There’s also some other parties I’ll have to attend for sure, but other than that, we’ll do everything you have planned. I’m sure I can think of one or two cool places to take you and Kite in Kukoro mountain.

Killua writes as if he hasn’t been working on a list of places Gon would enjoy visiting for the past year.

*

This is probably the last letter I’ll send before seeing you!!! I’m so excited Killua, you have no idea. Mito is making lots of food for the trip, since it’s a long one. Last time I had to take a boat, a plane, and 2 trains to get to yours, but now we are going by car, so even though it’ll take a little longer, it’s an adventure!

I hope you can come with me in the next one.

*

Gon, this was easily the best summer of my life, and I don’t want it to end, please don’t go.

*

I have just gotten home! It was a reaaaaaaaally long trip but you won’t believe what happened!

We were about to cross the border to the Mimbo Republic when we found a hitch-hiker!  He’s trying to get to Yorknew to see a friend, but he lost all his money :( something about someone robbing him or something, it was very sad. So we agreed to take him with us!! Kite is super cool like that.

Well, this guy is called Leorio, and he’s the absolute best!!

When we finally made it to the United States of Saherta he got a call from his friend, who had found all his stuff for him. Leorio wanted to thank us for letting us travel with him, but of course Kite refused. So instead!!! He bought me a phone!!!!

Aunt Mito kind of lost it, cause she says I’m too young to have a phone, but c’mon, I’m 13! And anyway, there’s not that much signal in Whale Island, but I’ll be able to text you, as you said! It’ll be a lot faster than letters, even though I kind of really like getting them.

I hope these last weeks weren’t super bad back home. Illumi really is creepy.

*

If you want letters I’ll keep sending letters. 

But here’s my number:

*

A new teacher arrived at the school!! He’s called Wing, and he’s great, Killua, you’d love him! He’s kind of strict, but that’s okay, most of us are planning to go to highschool next year, so we have to be prepared for that.

What about you? Did you talk to your dad? Will they let you go to a normal highschool?

*

I had to promise my father I’ll finish whatever school he chooses for me, but yes, they will let me attend a boarding school in the south of the country for highschool if I pass the entrance exams. It’s a military academy and will probably mean that I’ll have to enlist or something, but it’s better than my house.

I would have never been able to ask if you hadn’t encouraged me. It had been quite some time since Killua last wrote on impulse and had to write another letter.

Thank you.

*

DUDE you won’t believe, Mike had babies????

Like we didn’t even know she could? And we don’t know who’s the dad. My mother is out for murder, I swear. They were getting very worried about her putting on weight, and there was this whole thing trying to figure out who was skipping the regime and feeding her off hours, and of course the blame was on me even though I said it wasn’t me.

But I don’t care, we have 8 puppies now. They are all black, with identical white socks, and it’s the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen. I’ll send you pictures as soon as you get this letter, so let me know. Secret word is Surprise Mom.

*

KILLUA THOSE BABIES???!!!! PLEASE STOP THEM FROM GROWING BEFORE I GO THERE NEXT SUMMER, I NEED TO HOLD THEM!!

Oh dude you don’t even know how much I love puppies. I love puppies so much. Did I tell you about that one time I went into the forest and sort of kidnapped a foxbear cub?? Well Kite told me off a lot for that one, but I took care of Kon for a couple years before setting her free. And now she’s a mom too!! Do you think Mike and Kon’s cubs would get along?

There’s not many dogs on the island; they don’t like water and boats and all that. My math teacher has like, 90% of them. He’s crazy for dogs. I heard he goes to other islands to collect them if there’s an alert of an abandoned one. He’s probably one of my favorite teachers!

Anyway. I mean it, stop those puppies from growing. I mean it.

*

I can’t believe you broke your arm again Gon. And right before your finals too. What did Mito say?

And you can’t learn to use your left hand in a week, idiot. It would take you at least 2.

Ask Zushi for help. If he doesn’t lend you his notes I’ll go there myself and kick his ass. To do your homework too. I hope he has better penmanship than your chicken scratch, I swear.

You better pass your exams, we can’t have Mito confiscating your phone, I need to see your face when you get my christmas present.

*

Your little sister is really coming back home?! That’s awesome Killua! I’m sure Alluka is super happy! You said it’s only for Christmas but well, that’s more than last year. Make sure she’s in next time I call, I really want to meet her!

*

I already told you over the phone but you are fucking crazy. You don’t have to one up me with the gifts you know? Unlike you I know how to do fucking basic math and I know how much sending this cost you, Gon. But thank you. I really like it. I’ll hang it in my bedroom, I promise. It’ll be there next time you call. Alluka also loved the dress and the bracelet. Really, you didn’t have to.

It’s that same night that Killua hangs the handmade flag on his bedroom wall, rainbow colours shining proudly. How much time it took Gon knitting this, Killua would rather not think about it.

*

Ging stopped by just before my Christmas holidays ended, can you believe it? Aunt Mito almost chased him out of the house with the broom, it was like a bad comedy show! Great-grandma had to calm both of them down. He said he was on the continent so he thought he’d come by to say hello. He can’t take me with him this summer either, and that’s okay.

It used to make me really sad each year he said we couldn’t spend the summer together but now I’d rather go back with Kite to yours!

*

Your father is an asshole, you know that right? Mito does well whacking him. Wish that were me. But we don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to, I guess.

Anyway, I got a new teacher. She’s a pain in the ass and easily the oldest that has ever tutored me but my parents are happy with my improvement. Hopefully they’ll be happy enough by the end of the year. I can really go to the boarding school and get out of here.

*

I already told you by phone but I’m so proud of you! I knew you’d pass the exams but this is awesome Killua! Congrats on getting accepted! I’m sure you’ll make tons of cool friends. And yes, they’ll be spoiled rich kids but to be fair, so are you, you know? If I spoke to Aunt Mito how you talk to your mom or to your butlers I’m sure I’d have to make my suitcases and leave with Ging.

Anyways, you haven’t said it but I know you are anxious. But don’t worry, you’ll make friends and you’ll have a great time, okay? And even if the beginning it’s hard, I’ll be just one phone call away.

*

Don’t you dare try to send something more expensive for my birthday. Money is not an issue for my family, okay? And I know you really wanted to play this game, even though you don’t have a console. I really hope the letter reaches you before the two packages arrive.

Anyway, happy birthday Freecs.

*

Killua !!

12:34

Gon, Mito texted me. I’m sorry. Please call me when you need to. Are you okay?

12:34

Gon I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry. Kite was the absolute best I can’t believe

12:34

I fucking wish I were there

__

14:54 

Fuck it, i’ll be there

14:54 

Hold on, okay? You are the strongest person I know.

__

16:50

I’m coming

16:50

Wait for me

16:51

Always

Unsend

*

Gon

1:39 

I just landed

1:39

Go to bed Freecs, I can see you reading

1:39

did u have a good flight?

1:39

Fantastic, best 10 hours of my life. Go to fucking bed

1:39

don’t u have to take another one

1:39

A train. And then a bus to Kukoro mountain

1:40

But it’s okay, I’ll get there before 8 am

1:40

Which is the time you’ll be waking up for school, so go to fucking bed

1:40

okaaaaaay jeez no need to swear!

1:40

you too try to get some sleep, okay killua?

1:40

Okay

1:40

promise?

1:40

Yes Gon I fucking promise

1:41

okay :D

1:41

gnight killua!

1:41

Night. I’ll text you when I get there. Sleep well

1:42

u too

1:48

and killua?

1:49

Gon I swear

1:49

last thing!

1:49

i promise!

1:50

thank you. i really mean it, when i saw you at the door my heart skipped a beat i swear i thought u were an hallucination. Ive missed you so much these months and i really didnt know how much i needed you there. so thank you. because u knew and u came without me asking. it meant the world to me. you are my best friend and knowing you will always be there for me even when it seems impossible makes me so happy. i never knew one could be so happy but with you i am.

1:52

So thank you

1:53

I’d do anything for you

Not sent

1:53

You mean the world to me

Not sent

1:54

HOW can you be so embarrassing oh my god

1:54

You are my best friend too freecs

*

Aunt Mito wants me to remind you that the offer to stay here this summer still stands. Ging hasn’t even said anything yet about the whole… thing so I don’t know if he’ll want me around this summer. Probably not. But that’s okay, I kinda want to stay home. Traveling knowing Kite won’t ever be able to travel again makes me feel all sorts of sad so for now I don’t want to.

I do want to go everywhere, in the future though! He really passed on that passion to me, and it’s not something I want to stop doing forever. Now I just have to find a traveling partner. Would you come with me?

*

Summer can’t come fucking fast enough, I swear. Since I came back, it’s like everyone has gotten extra annoying. Milluki is insufferable, not that he wasn’t already, but now even more. Illumi calls home twice a day and demands for me to be present. I can’t even go out to your old house without Amane or Tsubone breathing down my neck, so I took all our things and had to hide them in my room and Alluka’s.

For now, it might be better if you stop sending letters. I promise you I don’t like it any more than you do, but I have to lay low if I want to be able to get out of here this summer. I’ll still write to you, don’t worry about that. And things will get back to normal soon, I’ll find a way. We can still use the phone though. I’ll let you know when things are better.

Don’t you dare say you are sorry or blame yourself or feel guilty about it, though. It was my fucking decision, and I don’t regret a thing.

*

First letter after the hiatus!

And graduation is approaching!

Someone asked me out to the dance! Can you believe it? I said no obviously, because I’d rather go with Zushi and Retz. Mito says we are too young to be going in couples, anyway. And we are like 14 kids. It’d be weird. 

Anyway, we’ll go down to the port and everything! The fishermen have decorated the entire place with fairy lights, and we are going to make paper lanterns!

Do you think you’ll have a proper prom in your fancy private school?

*

Mito-san (Gon)

18:15

Hi Killua, how is the trip going?

18:15

I just wanted to remind you we will all be waiting by the port. (Gon is very excited)

18:16

Can you tell me how many suitcases you and Alluka are bringing? Last time you only brought a backpack but I hope since it’s for the summer you’re bringing more luggage? I need to know in advance so I can borrow a car from my friend, you know how long the trek to the hill is.

18:16

Also please don’t eat anything, there will be more than enough food for dinner.

18:16 

Thank you Mito-san, the trip is going well, we will probably arrive tomorrow by this hour.

18:16

And Alluka has 2 suitcases and I have a backpack.

18:16

We can pay for a taxi

18:20

Oh no there’s no need for that!

18:20

And please, call me Mito or Aunt Mito.

18:20

Okay then

18:20

Thanks, Aunt Mito

*

Hopefully you’ll find this letter when you unpack your stuff! I thought it’d be funnier than having to wait a whole week before it gets to you.

This summer was great, and I can’t thank you enough for visiting; Alluka too! I know it hasn’t been as easy as you made it seem with your parents, and I know you don’t want to talk about it, but I really hope it didn’t cost you a big punishment. I really wish the 2 of you could always be away from them. But you know you’ll always have a home here, right?

Best of luck at your new school, even though I know you won’t need it, everything will go super fine, you’ll see!

*

By the time this gets to you, I’ll probably already be at the school. There’s a 5 hour time difference between us there, so with some luck I’ll be asleep.

Killua hovers, unsure if he should write this or not. It’s whatever; he can always make a new one if it doesn’t feel right.

I’m scared.

I’m scared I won't fit in. I’m scared I will; I’ve managed to avoid these types of people and their ideas too long, but I don’t know. I’m scared to be surrounded by them. I’m scared of who I can become. I don’t want to turn into Illumi. I don’t want to be like my family; I wouldn’t be able to live with myself like that.

But I’m excited too, don’t worry. And no matter what I’ll have you there. So it’s okay. You have my new address at the end of the letter. I have a feeling I’ll need them, so please, don’t stop sending them.

Chapter Text

Gon

12:36

let me know when u are settled in!

12:36

i want to see ur room!!

12:36

unless u are sharing? i cant remember if u said u’d have a roomate

12:36

well i hope they are cool and are okay w u calling

12:36

because i’ll be calling everyday

__

Gon

19:21

everything okaay?

19:21

are u at your room yet?

19:21

u r probably out of battery or smth right?

19:21

i have class tomorrow but ill stay up, just text me

*

“Zoldyck.”

Killua’s head snaps up, lips pressed in a tight line. 

“I thought we were pretty clear about our no phone policy.”

“Yes sir,” Killua answers through gritted teeth. “I’m aware.”

“And you still were about to use one.”

It’s not even an instructor. Killua hasn’t met those, not for today. And yet, this guy is staring down at him, in a way Killua is too familiar with.

“We aren’t lenient with our rules, Zoldyck. You would do well to learn that fast.”

“Yes. Sir.”

He is bowing, but still looking head on at the uniformed man. Ah , mistake Killua realises when a glint appears in the man’s cold eyes. 

“You and I are going to spend a lot of time together, it seems, Zoldyck.”

*

Gon

10:52

so, i looked up your school on the internet

10:52

i had to go to the library because i dont have wifi at home and stuff

10:52

i dont think u can use phones in there, right? so that’s why u arent answering

10:53

hopefully

10:54

anyway!

10:54

ill keep sending the letters, as u said

10:54

it will be like our first year

10:54

with no phones, remember?

10:54

well, its okay

10:55

im here

*

Gon

20:57

im a little late today!! but i didnt forget!

20:57

you will NOT believe who is our new teacher!!!

20:58

do u remember leorio?? my friend who is studying to be a doctor??

20:58

well he has this friend who i actually met in Yorknew when i went for a weekend last year

20:58

Kurapika

20:58

im pretty sure i talked to u about him because he had this earring that i thought ud really like

20:58

cause u want to pierce ur ears n stuff??

20:59

soon!!! i heard u can when u are 16 so only a year and a half to go!!

20:59

anyways back to kurapika

20:59

hes here!!! he’ll be my new history teacher!!! how cool is that??

20:59

im sure u have great teachers too

21:00

let me know about them!!

*

Gon

12:21

I checked your zone’s sky map and I found our star!

12:21

you remember it, right, the one i showed you from Whale Island?

12:21 

well, it’s a little hard to see, but you should be able to see it if there’s not a lot of pollution

12:21

i’ll be looking at it every night before bed, so, we’ll be looking at the stars together!

*

“Zoldyck.”

Killua supresses a sigh, trying to make sure his scowl isn’t too obvious. They have until 7:30 to clean the room before the inspection! These jerks always-

“You have mail.”

Killua’s eyes go wide, as he scrambles to take the letter from his senior, and he turns quickly, hands shaking. Whale Island. He reads. Gon Freecs.

“Thanks!” he remembers saying before his senior leaves, and if her surprised expression is anything to go by, maybe he should start being more polite to older cadets.

“Uh- Zoldyck,” his roommate mutters. Killua looks up. The guy flinches. “Y-you won’t have time to finish making the bed before the inspection if you read it.”

“I don’t care,” his mouth says, surprising even himself. “I mean. I- thanks. I know. But I really…”

“I can finish tidying up for you.”

Killua blinks, staring at his roommate. He is short, the shaved head is even less flattering on him than on Killua, and that’s saying something . Killua knows for a fact he’s been bullied by other cadets, given Killua has to pretend he doesn’t hear how he sobs almost everyday on his pillow when he thinks Killua is sleeping.

“They’re important for you, right?” Killua nods, warily. “I know you’ve been checking the mail everyday since we got here so… you must be pretty eager to read them.”

He turns, and finishes his bed quickly, grabbing the broom.

“I wish I got someone to send me letters too,” he says, gripping it tightly. “So I don’t get it, but you know. “

“Thanks, Ikalgo,” Killua says, and his roommate smiles, and Killua is pretty sure it’s the first time he has seen it. He nods, and rushes to the bathroom.

Hi Killua!!

This should be the first letter you get??  I think it takes a little longer to get to than your house, but I’m not sure how long. I hope it’s not too late haha. 

Not going to lie, I’m a bit worried, since I haven’t heard from you. Alluka is too, but I’ve tried to not bring up the issue too much with her. She’s used to her boarding school, and we’re both learning that it’s slightly different from yours…

I hope everything is going well. I know you are strong, and you’ll overcome any difficulties you face there, but know that you are allowed to trip, you know? You are not weak for failing, you are not weak for feeling like crying. Or that’s what you told me! You know when. So don’t go around being a hypocrite, it doesn’t suit you!

Anyway, some news, some news… Zushi got a date this week! She’s super sweet, and they both make an adorable couple. Since we are in highschool things are really different. First is the ferry, and having to get up soooo much earlier. It’s only a 20 minute ride to the next island, where the school is, but still. And there’s so many people!

I’ve made some friends, and I have just been accepted into the school football team, and also did the tryouts with Zushi for the martial arts club! I’m not sure about the football team yet, but we’ll see! I want to try many sports.

I hope everything is going well for you. Kurapika got me a bunch of stamps, so I’ll try to send one or two letters a week, okay?

Hang in there.

Killua reads it again, and again, and before Ikalgo needs to band the bathroom’s door, he’s out, barely in time for the inspection.

He needs to find stamps.

*

Gon

18:02

ahh last date didn’t go too well for Zushi

18:02

but its okay, he’s not too heartbroken about it

18:02

and most relationships around here seem to last about a week, sometimes 3

18:03

i suppose its the age?

18:03

thats what leorio says anyway

18:03

speaking of that! he just took his final exam!! hopefully will get accepted into the university he wants

18:03

its not the most prestigious one, but there’s one on the main island of our archipelago

18:04

i know he has been thinking about it!! how cool would that be!!!

*

“Hey.” Killua looks up from his food as someone sits in front of him. He looks older, either a cow or even a firstie. Which is not the type of people that sits at Killua’s table. If it weren’t for the mandatory 12 people per table rule, probably nobody else would. “Heard you were looking for something.”

Ah , Killua grins. 

“You have stamps?”

“I have anything you need, for the right price.”

“I have money,” he says, setting the fork on the table. “Can you get me stamps to Yorknew?”

The guy whistles. “That’s far.”

“Yes.”

“And expensive.”

“Literally just told you money isn’t an issue,” he says. “I’m pretty sure you’ve heard of my reputation, and I haven’t been expelled yet. Why do you think that is?”

“Daddy?”

“That’s right. So whatever it is, I’ll fucking pay it. Can you get them or not?”

“Yorknew and further, if you need them.”

“The islands to the west of the Yorbian Continent.”

“A little far to get yourself a girlfriend but ok-” Killua’s hand is on the guy’s neck in less than a second, yanking him by the shirt and smacking his head against the table. 

“Listen here, clown. I’m not going to pay you for jokes,” he sneers. “Are we clear?”

“Fuck- I’m sorry- Ikalgo even said you were a nice guy-”

Killua halts. “You’re friends with Ikalgo?”

“Yeah-” Killua lets him go, and the guy rubs his neck. “ Christ , you’re a fucking brute.”

Killua huffs, taking a bite of his already cold omelette.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbles, after a while. The guy looks at him, lips still pursed and frowning. “It’s- it’s complicated. And I don’t want people talking about it.”

“Fair,” the guy shrugs. “And we’re good, I guess. Shouldn’t have overstepped. We aren’t friends.”

Killua watches silently as the guy takes a joint from his pocket and lights it up swiftly, taking a short drag before hiding it with his hand. He smirks.

“For now.”

The older guy grins, getting up. “The name is Meleoron.”

“Killua.”

Meleoron snorts. “I know.”

*

I passed math!!!!!! I mean I passed everything, but that's like, a given. BUT MATH???? KILLUA I PASSED MATH!!!!

Knuckle is the darn best, I tell you. His classes are super hard, but he saw me really struggling and offered to tutor me after school!!! So right before practice I go to his office and we go over everything he has explained in class a little differently, until I get it.

Aunt Mito has even started putting more food in my lunch for him, he gets flustered every time.

Huh, who knows, maybe there’s something in there!

*

The first time Killua breaks into the Superintendent’s office, he gets caught. By then, he has already been ‘awarded’ around 15 admonitions, more than 10 fatigue tours and other shit that at this rate is not worth listing. The third time he gets in the office though, he finds his phone.

He’s not so stupid as to steal it, of course. But he does read all of Gon’s messages, twice. Thrice. Four times. He’s nearing five by the time his alarm alerts him of the hour. 

Gon

15:31 

I‘m fine. Can’t use the phone. I read everything. Thank you for your messages.

His finger hovers, trembling over the screen. Fuck it, he’s done all kinds of shit in this hell. He can’t be scared of this.

15:31 

I miss you.

*

Gon

15:31 

I miss you.

16:19

oh my god killua

16:19

u are fine

16:19

not that i doubted u!

16:19

u can deal with anything

16:20

i really hope u didn’t get in trouble for that

*

In the next months, Killua makes quite the reputation for himself. If he’s going to get treated like a fucking dog regardless of what he does, he ends up concluding that he might as well do whatever the fuck he wants. 

So he becomes well acquainted with Instructor Youpi and his like for sanctions, as well as Instructor Ortho’s disciplinary methods. But it’s not until late December that they actually find out that if something really hurts Killua Zoldyck, it’s taking away his mail rights.

He’s slamming the snitch against a wall that very same day, fresh out of the latest reprimand. 

“I’ll fucking kill you.”

“I’m sorry!” the coward shrieks. 

“You open your rat mouth again,” Killua says, nails digging in Rammot’s neck. “And you’ll be begging for them to expel you just so I don’t find you. ”

“Yes!”

Killua pushes the guy, several heads taller than him, to the ground, and he scrambles backwards with his arms. He gets up, running away and disappearing behind the barracks.

His fist collides with the wall, and the pain is welcomed, clearing his mind of the numbing rage. They’ll take Gon’s letters away. Fuck.

*

Gon

23:19

anyway, I have to go to bed soon today, I need to be well rested for tomorrow’s match!

23:19

AND TEST, THATS IMPORTANT TOO OF COURSE!!

good night!!!

2:13

Good luck tomorrow, you’ll do great in both

2:13

I don’t have a lot of time, but next time you send letters, could you send them to room XXX and addressed to Meleoron Jeiru? Thank you.

*

“It’s a Christmas miracle!”

Killua gets up, grinning like an idiot. He punches Meleoron’s arm, taking the letter from him. He checks, and yes, even though it doesn’t have Killua’s name on the envelope, it’s from Gon.

“Thank you dude.”

“Ah, no problem,” Meleoron shrugs, hands already deep in his pockets. “As long as you don’t start crying here-”

“Shut up-”

Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year!!!!

I really hope this letter gets there in time. What are you doing for the holidays? I’m guessing you can’t go back home. Alluka really misses you. I offered her to come here for the holidays, but your parents don’t want her to travel that far alone. Who knows, maybe in summer?

Are you coming in summer?

Welp- the storms gave us a little break, and we could go to the beach for this christmas! It was very nice. I invited Knuckle!! And he and Aunt Mito really hit it off. I feel kind of bad doing this behind their backs, but well, he’s a good man, and Aunt Mito deserves to be happy too.

*

Gon

5:01

Hell yeah, let Mito get some

5:02

KILLUA

5:02

Happy New Year Gon

5:02

isn’t it like 5 am there?

5:02

It is

5:02

did you steal your phone?

5:02

No

5:02

I’m right now at the Superintendent's  office.

5:03

dude

5:03

It's fine, Ikalgo and Meleoron have my back

5:03

!!

5:03

those are your friends?!

5:03

That’s a word to call them

5:03

Killua.

5:03

Ugh

5:03

Yes

5:03

:D!!!

5:03

I guess

5:03

They are

5:04

They are not you, though

5:04

im glad you are making friends Killua!!

5:04

everything else…?

5:04

It’s

5:04

It 's hard

5:04

I’m not going to lie to you but

5:04

Well, I have adapted? I guess that’s a way of calling it

5:04

okay

5:04

im glad

5:04

have you texted Alluka?

5:05

Yes, but she’s asleep

5:05

Thank you for taking care of her

5:05

u don’t have to thank me for that Killua!

5:05

I know, but I still want to

5:05

Oh shit time’s up

5:05

Enjoy the holidays

5:05

Give Mito a hug for me

5:05

OH!

5:05

YOU TOO

5:05

I WILL

5:05

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

5:05

I MISS YOU A LOT

5:05

Read

*

I was kind of revoked of my mail privilege for a while, but I got it back, so hopefully you’ll get letters more often. It sucks that it was just you. I mean it doesn’t suck for me, it sucks for you. My point, first proper letter I guess.

I told you about Ikalgo and Meleoron. Ikalgo is my roommate, and Meleoron is a friend, even though he’s 2 years older which means he’s like, two classes above us and should never bother to interact with plebes like us. That’s our name, by the way. Not freshman. Plebes. Literally the same as in the fucking army already.

Anyway.

Class is boring, too easy. PE is cool. There’s obstacles courses and shit, so it’s fun. And not to brag or anything, but I’m a fucking monster at the boxing ring. You should definitely try it out next year if you get bored at football. Right now I can only participate in the plebes one, and my supervisors started sending me there as ‘punishment’, but joke is on them lol.

Upper class cadets tried to get me too by asking me stuff from our textbooks, but Bisky drilled those into me last year, and since I know they are coming for me, I haven’t yet answered one wrong.

Food is okay? Like not super bad. Ah, and there was a Plebe-Parent weekend, and my dad came to visit. The sick fuck was like, crazy proud about me. He did give me some shit for getting in trouble (nothing too bad, I’m fine, don’t worry). 

All things considered, now that I’m used to it, it’s not so bad.

I can see myself finishing this.

Also, I do come home for summer, so we will see what we can do. 

I sent you a picture of the three of us. Yes, I’m fucking bald, shut your trap, I can hear you laughing from here.

And I miss you too, obviously. 

*

Gon

12:57

I GOT YOUR LETTER!!!

12:57

OH MY GOD I GOT YOUR LETTER

12:57

DOES THAT MEAN THAT YOULL BE REALLY ABLE TO SEND AS MANY AS YOU WANT?

12:57

ALSO THAT HAIR IS HORRIBLE BUT YOU SOMEHOW PULL IT OFF??? HOW???

*

I had trash duty today. God do I hate it. Going bedroom by bedroom and seeing all these asshole’s faces. There’s some people who aren’t half bad, like Colt, or Peggy, who volunteers at the library, so I see him fairly often.

Then there’s the real assholes. The type of people even you’d want to punch, I swear.

*

And! The team captain actually asked me to please stay for next year. I’m not as tall as the rest of my teammates, but I’m a good wide receiver. I don’t knowww. 

Leorio passed his exam! And now he’s in the choosing period, so we’ll see if he ends up coming-

*

Ugh, and I fucking hate guard duty. It’s so boring. So boring Gon. And it’s so cold, even now. It’s especially shitty today because shoveling snow was my ‘fatigue hours’ punishment yesterday. I bet it’s super warm and awesome in Whale Island right now. Wet season is about to end, right?

*

I really hope this letter makes it on time. First things first, I know that you hate it, but happy birthday. He’d want for you to be happy today, you know? So congrats, you are 15. 

I know you don’t feel like partying at this time of the year. Wish I could be there for you. We wouldn’t even need to do anything, I’d be fine going to the beach and sitting on the warm sand staring at the nothingness, if that’s what you wanted.

I’m sure Mito is taking good care of you, and so are Zushi and your other friends. Although I have a feeling that you have barricaded in your room and aren’t letting anyone in. That’s okay too.

I have stolen my phone, and will be hiding on the rooftop at 9pm (your time), if you want to call. 

Call me if you need me.

*

“What are you doing for summer?”

Ikalgo leaves his book and bites on his pen. “Well, going back home.”

“Isn’t your family like…”

“The worst? Well yeah.” He shrugs. “We’ll probably go on like, a family vacation to the beach or something for a week, and they’ll feel better about it.”

Killua grimaces but doesn’t press the issue.

“You?”

“Huh?”

“What are you doing?”

“Well, normally I’d go to Gon’s,” he answers easily. He’s talked to them about Gon. He’s tried to make his crush not obvious, but he’s pretty sure they know. “But I don’t know how my mother will react to me leaving now, to be honest.”

“He lives on a tropical island right?”

“Yeah. Whale Island.”

“Ugh I’m so jealous of you. Wish I could see it.” Killua blinks as an idea forms in his head.

*

Aunt Mito (Gon)

15:25

I’m glad to hear from you Killua, I hope everything is going well.

15:25

I think you had a fantastic idea, and that Gon will really like the surprise. You know there’s more than enough room in the house for you and Alluka, and I can ask for some more mattresses to some friends. 

15:25

You don’t have to worry about food and other expenses, I mean it. If you give me a single coin I’ll throw you out of my house.

*

I can’t believe they let me play that game! It was such an important one! Even if it was just a few minutes… it’s crazy!

AND I SCORED. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?!!!

My coach was so happy about that. And Zushi cried!! Aunt Mito was super proud of me when I told her, and even Kurapika came for the game! He was recording the entire thing to show Leorio later, it was super sweet.

Today was a really good day, I just kinda wish you were here too.

It’s going to suck that you can’t come this summer, but I understand.

I’ll miss you!

*

Gon

12:35

Look out of your window

12:37

????

12:37

Surprise bitch

*

Well, if you found this letter it means that I’m already gone. Ikalgo and Meleoron really enjoyed their time here (as I’m sure they told you), and so did I, so thank you. We left some money in the fridge, it should cover all our expenses during our time here and a little more. I hope Mito doesn’t get too angry. 

Have a good first day and first week at school. I’ll be in touch.

*

Killua is about to finish his suitcase when his father knocks on his bedroom door. Killua looks up and arches an eyebrow. That’s weird.

“We didn’t really have time to talk, did we?”

“No, not really.” Not that we ever talk.

“You don’t like it here, do you Killua?”

Killua doesn’t answer, lips in a tight line. His father crosses his arms. “And in your school?”

“It could have been worse, I guess,” he says, busying himself with finishing folding the shirts and packing instead of looking at the calculated pose of his father.

“You said it was too easy.” Killua freezes up. “Your mother and I have been talking, and Illumi mentioned one of his classmates in college did a couple years in the naval branch of your school.”

Killua looks up, slowly, seizing his father up.

“We wouldn’t want you to get too bored, darling.” His mother comes from behind his father, fan in hand and smiling

“I’m not,” he rushes to croak out. “Dad- I’m sorry, I’ll do better. Next summer I’ll be here, I won’t-”

His father smiles, eyes wrinkling at the sides. A shiver runs through Killua’s entire body. “Well, we are still waiting for the confirmation, but as Illumi said, there won’t be room for distractions in this new school.”

“Dad, please. ”

“I would hope that mail doesn’t arrive to the middle of the sea,” his mom chirps, and Killua sees red.

“Is this about Gon?” She grimaces but doesn’t look at him. “Is it?!” 

“We hoped that you’d make better friends at the academy, but you seem very attached to the wrong company,” she says with a sweet smile. “This is for your own good, Killua.”

He bangs the door closed.

In his second year, Killua is sent to a different boarding school.

There’s no reception.

As his mom had hoped, Gon’s letters don’t get there.

*

Chapter Text

Amid the yells, the punishments, the tight grip all the instructors have him in, the storms, the cold , and the loneliness, Killua, because of course he does, thinks about Gon.

Gon and his smile, Gon and his warm eyes, Gon and his kind words.

Killua needs to stop thinking about him.

It seems like it’s the only thing keeping him sane and how absurd is that. It’s that stupid dependency that put him here in the first place, he’s well aware of that.

*

With no letters, no calls, not even a photo , Killua feels like an addict going through withdrawal. Yes, it’s dramatic, but there’s no other word to it. He was barely 12 years old the last time he went for so long without knowing anything from Gon.

Is he okay?

Is school going okay?

Did he make it to the other sports teams he wanted to try out?

Is he happy?

*

Knowing it’s never going to reach him, Killua writes one sole letter. 

Despite what other sailors might have said about sirens,

the echo of your words was the only thing to keep me sane,

for one thing is true,

I’m yours, even in this distance and this silence.

*

Punching cadet after cadet and knocking them out one after the other is not the healthiest copying mechanism, but there’s no one here to judge Killua on that. No one who’s opinion he cares about.

*

“Can I have a word with you, cadet?”

Killua sighs, standing up with a grunt and not bothering with a salute. It’s Komugi, one of his instructors, one of the highest ranked ones, despite her young age. She’s also blind, so why bother saluting. It’s stupid anyway.

“Yes ma’am.”

She guides him to her office, walking around the ship with measured steps. Killua feels tempted to help her, but she probably knows this ship better than he does.

“Take a seat, please.” Killua does, sitting on the chair in front of her desk. She opens a drawer and takes out a chess board.

“I’m- sorry, ma’am, did you take me here to play chess?”

“Gungi, actually.” She spreads some round pieces over the table. “You know it?”

“I think I played once or twice in my other school,” he says, helping her with the pieces. “But why? If I can ask.”

“I don’t know,” she smiles. “You seemed like you could use some time to calm down,” she says softly. “And a friend.”

Killua twists his mouth.

“Are you a problematic child, cadet?”

“I’m a straigh-a-”

“I know about your academic achievements,” she cuts him off, moving the first piece. “Ah, could you please say your moves out loud?”

“Sure. Spy to 5C.”

“Bow to 4E,” she says as she moves it. “I also know about your… record.”

“I don’t want to be here,” Killua says through gritted teeth. “Shinobi to 7A.”

“Bold move,” she says, moving hers. “Captain to 5C. I got your spy.”

“Yeah,” he sighs, handing it to her. “Uh… Fort to 5A.”

She nods. “You’d rather be in the other academy?”

“I had friends there.”

“It’s hard to make friends if you spend your days beating others up, cadet,” she says. “Soldier to 7E.”

Killua forces his shoulders to relax, exhaling. “I don’t want to make new friends,” he tells her, words foreign to his own ears. “I want to go back. My parents sent me here to punish me.”

“But you aren’t a problematic child.”

She says it, doesn’t ask it. 

It’s a statement. 

Her eyes are closed, but she’s looking straight at him, through his bullshit and his anger and his frown, somehow. She’s looking at him, and he breaks.

Killua’s throat ties in a tight knot, crawling up and suffocating him.

“I’m not,” he says, voice weak. “I- I just wanted-”

She hands him a tissue, and he takes it quickly, crumpling the paper in his fisted hand. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, cadet,” she smiles. 

“ I miss them, ” he admits. “It’s not even just Gon anymore; I miss all of them. They-” he hiccups, a traitorous tear running down his cheek, warm on its path down to his chin. “My parents sent me here because they don’t want me to befriend ‘bad influences’.”

“Ah, he’s-”

“He’s poor ,” Killua sneers, words almost choking him on their way out. “That’s what they mean. They want me to befriend kids of lieutenants and sergeants and politicians and be their perfect little heir puppet-”

A hand falls on his shoulder, and he sobs, the warmth of it sweeping through his cold, rigid uniform.

“He’s my best friend,” he says, and it doesn’t even hurt anymore. That’s all Gon is, and that is okay. “Or he was. We haven’t talked since summer because I can’t send him letters-”

“He’ll understand, Zol- Killua,” she says, and he looks up. It’s been months since someone called him by his name. She probably knows. “I hope that is okay.”

“Yeah,” he says hoarsely. “It is; thank you.” He rubs the back of his hand quickly over his eyes, sniffling one last time. “Ah- shit, sorry- Cannon to 3C. I take your Bow.”

“Well done,” she says. “Cavalry to 7A, I’ll take your Shinobi in exchange.”

Killua snorts, and she smiles a little.

“I know people don’t salute me,” she says, moving the piece to the side. “I know they think it’s funny, but it only reflects poorly on their character.”

He freezes, pursing his lips as she moves her pieces. 

“I didn’t have it easy here either, at the beginning. People don’t take a female instructor seriously. Much less a blind one.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” she says softly. “I made a friend. Sometimes that’s all it takes for things to go better. One single person.”

Ah, Killua knows that.

“And if you’re a little too attached to that person, well,” she shrugs. “It’s not healthy, but it’s normal. Once you realize, you can grow out of it, little by little; it’s okay. Are you moving?”

“Ah, yes, Bow to 5E.”

“Oh, that’s a valiant effort.” She nods, smiling. “You are young and smart, Killua. My point is… ah, Duke to 2A…. My point is that you’ll figure it out. We have to learn how to leave a little love for ourselves while loving others too.”

Killua gulps, eyes watering again. 

“It’s not easy,” she says, lifting a finger with a fake frown. “But you’ll get there. Take it from someone with experience.”

 *

For Christmas, there’s a big dinner in the dining hall with all types of food. There’s also one of the worst storms they have gone through since he got here, raging outside, so the celebrations are cut short. From his cabinet, Killua can see the stars, and between the waves there’s one that shines particularly strong today. 

He remembers well their summer nights watching stars fall from the sky, and Gon’s lessons in astrology. The sky here is not too different from the one on Whale Island, so they must be on the west side of the continent right now. 

It takes some time, with the whole ship being violently rocked as it is by the sea, but Killua manages to pinpoint the star Gon taught him to always look for, the one that could be best seen from his own bedroom.

*

Following Instructor Komugi’s advice, he joins a club. He doesn’t quit boxing, looking down at the assholes’ faces when he has knocked them out is too gratifying to quit. He takes up painting again, but he’s not very good at it, so he quits. Then he starts a board game club, and some other cadets join, like Welfin, who really likes cluedo and the village, or Koala, who is a pretentious asshole but was sent here too by his parents as a ‘corrective measure’. They are not Killua’s friends, not by a long stretch, but they aren’t half bad.

He also joins the IT club, which allows him to enter the communications room. It’s all filled with machines he doesn’t know how to use, but after putting up a nice front and sweet smile for months, he’s allowed to be near a computer.

Another month, and by April, he has learned everyone’s schedules and manages to get a hold on the door’s lock.

It’s not a phone, but he can send a message back to his friends in the academy.

*

Killua passes that year with honours. He hasn’t lost a single encounter at the ring and is best of his class. Komugi asks for a favor and takes him to the Chimera Academy before being sent home.

“Zoldyck, huh,” her friend says, as he drives the three of them out of the port. “You must be a very good gungi player to have gotten Komugi’s attention.”

Killua nods, and the commandant stares through the rear-view mirror. Instructor Komugi is already fast asleep in her seat.

“She asked me, so I looked into it and wrote a recommendation for you to be sent back to your old academy.”

“Really?!”

“You shouldn’t be accepted back in the naval one, even if your parents ask,” the driver says. It’s one of the really higher ups, going by his medals. Probably above even Pitou and his other asshole instructors. “I’d advise you to keep up the good work and behaviour, though. For your own interest.”

“Thank you, sir.”

“No need.” Killua quirks an eyebrow. “I was in a dark place when I was young, too. Komugi takes a liking to people like us, I guess,” he says, fondness sweeping in his words despite his cold eyes. 

*

Killua barges in the barracks, running around the corridors and ignoring the yells from instructors until he finds Ikalgo’s room and throws the door open.

“AH!”

His friend has banged his head with the ceiling and is rubbing it as he mutters to himself. Killua snickers.

“Dude.”

Ikalgo looks up, eyes wide and mouth hanging open.

“Killua?!” He jumps out of the bed, and Killua laughs, as he scrambles to his side, eyes watering. “Oh my god - I can’t believe you are here, holy sh-!”

“What’s all this mess, cadets?!”

They both turn to find a smirking Meleoron leaning on the door frame. He’s taller, but Killua has grown up too, almost to his chin now.

“It’s Killua !” Ikalgo sobs.

“Yeah,” their senior says, shaking his head. “I heard rumours about a student from the naval academy having broken in and running through the corridors, and I knew it was him.”

“Come here you idiots,” Killua says, rolling his eyes and bringing the two of them in a hug. “Fucking missed you two.”

“ Wow, Killua talking about feelings? The sea really changed you, man,” Ikalgo laughs, and for that, Killua punches him on the arm. “Nevermind.”

“Did you really break in here?” Meleoron asks as he closes the door.

“No, I banked in a favour.” He takes what he hopes is Ikalgo’s chair and spins it, sitting over the backrest. “I have important acquaintances now. You two would do well to kiss my ass and all that.”

“ Ohhh ,” Ikalgo says. “Look at him, one year away, and he comes back all smug.”

Killua kicks him.

“Are you sure you want to treat me like this?” Ikalgo says, rubbing his shin. “I have even been saving all your stuff.”

“My what? I took everything back home last year,” Killua frowns. “You could have told me I forgot something.”

“Ah no,” he says smiling. He gets up, takes a small key from the drawer on his desk and opens a little box, hidden behind a pile of books on his shelf. “Do you want to open it?”

“I don’t know,” he says, looking at Meleoron who just shrugs. “Do I?”

“I think you do.” Killua grows tired and impatient of the stupid knowing smirk they are both sharing and snags the key and box from Ikalgo’s hands. It’s not heavy.

He turns the key, and he finds a bunch of letters, still in their envelopes, neatly stocked and organized.

“Are these…?”

“Yeah.”

“For real?” he says, eyes wide and unbelieving.

Both Meleoron and Ikalgo nod, smiling. 

He takes one carefully, reading the address and the sender. “You really…”

“Yeah,” Ikalgo says sheepishly. “I saved them all. I didn’t read them! I know how important they are for you.”

Killua is hugging him before he can think about being embarrassed about it.

“Thank you,” he says, hands clenching around his friend’s shirt. “ Thank you.”

*

You should already be in school! I don’t know if you’ll be rooming again with Ikalgo, but I’ll be sending the letters to him. Let me know if I should change it to Meleoron this time. There’s actually a little one for each of them too, so I hope that’s okay.

I start in a week so by the time you get this, I’ll probably have started. I’m excited! And I joined the boxing team as you suggested! I’m sooo pumped! With everything you taught me this summer, I should have no problems! I also decided to stay in the football one. Zushi was a little sad I quit the martial art’s one. 

Oh! And Aunt Mito was angry about your money, but we put it in a jar, so I can travel to yours next summer! How cool is that!

*

Meleoron and Ikalgo told me about the whole moving schools thing. I’m so sorry your parents did that, Killua. It’s so shitty, it’s shitty even to their standards, which are incredibly low already. I’m beyond angry.

Alluka is too. She’s actually punished right now. I’m only telling you because I know it’ll be a long, long time before you read this, but yeah, she’s punished for standing up to them. I know you won’t be happy, but I’m proud of her. Incredibly so.

Bisky is her new teacher, or well- was, since she also said that it had been too sudden or whatever nice words she used, but she’s basically been fired.

And don’t worry about that! Alluka still talks to her, and apparently she had been meaning to leave because she didn’t like your parents but didn’t want to until Alluka was ready. 

Anyway.

I hope that you are feeling better, when you are reading this.

“Well, it’s lunch time now, so we have to go, but you can stay here reading-”

“Hah?” Killua says, looking up. “No- I...” He gulps down. “I can read them later. I have a lot of hours in the plane. I’d rather spend some time with you guys.”

His two friends blink, and they look at each other for a slow second. 

“You’d rather spend time with us than read Gon’s letters?”

“You have been waiting for them all year!”

“Well, yeah.” Killua shoves his hands in his pockets, walking past them. “I haven’t seen you all year too, and I’ve missed you guys. They can wait.”

*

It’s official!!!!! Leorio is coming to our islands!!!!

He’s officially a med student! How cool is that!! Holy shit!!!

*

And then I was knocked out, but it was so fun! I broke a rib, and Aunt Mito was beyond pissed but I really, really like this! Sparring with you was fun, but the competition somehow makes it better? I totally get what you meant.

*

Ugh I was asked out last weekend. Again. They haven’t stopped coming since this year started, and I’m not on the bench anymore. I don’t like rejecting people.

*

Ging sent me a box full of old relics. I think he thought it was my birthday today lol. That or a really early Christmas gift? Mito wanted to throw them all away, but Knuckle and Great-grandma Abe convinced her to keep them. There’s some really cool ones! I’m actually going to donate some to the school; Kurapika said he’d love to have them there.

*

Wet season came a little early this year, and it’s actually cold now. You’d probably say it’s not cold, but shhh. We’re not used to these temperatures. I actually finished knitting a really cool jacket! Everyone says it’s super ugly but hey. It’s my first one. It’s a little short on me, but I’m sure I can rock it with some high waisted jeans. I don’t know, you are the fashion expert.

*

God, it’s been a really hard week. Great-grandma Abe fell sick, really sick, Killua. She really scared us. Aunt Mito barely slept for days. We even had to take her to the hospital, and she stayed there for a couple days. She has been staying at Knucle’s apartment for the week. The house is too big for me when it’s empty.

I was so scared.

*

We won the tournament! How crazy is that! That means we qualify for the spring one! We’ll be traveling to Yorknew for it! I’m so excited! Football isn’t going that well; we lost some games and won a handful of others, but nothing remarkable. BUT BOXING?!!

I’m so glad you got me into it!

*

Merry Christmas! I’ll send another one for New Years; I hope it gets there on time! 

I know you are not getting them on time, and with some luck, you’ll be able to read them in summer, but well, you asked me to keep sending you letters, and that’s what I’m doing.

*

I miss you.

*

One of Knuckle’s dogs had babies!!! We already found homes for almost all of them. We did this thing at the school; it was very fun. There’s only one left, but I’m sure we’ll find a house for her. She's super, super small; I’ll send you a picture!! Check your phone; I’ll only use our chat to send you pictures so I don’t clog it!

*

AUNT MITO SAID I CAN KEEP THE PUPPY!!!!!!! SHE’S THE MOST ADORABLE THING EVER!! YOU’LL LOVE HER!!

*

Ugh I failed math again. I really want to go into biology, like Kite did, but I don’t know if I’m cut for sciences. 

*

The storm took down a huge branch of the tree next to my house, and it fell on my room’s roof! So I have leaks now. It’s okay; we are staying with Knuckle while we have them fixed. He has a small apartment, and Aunt Mito has to take a boat to go back to Whale Island to work but I don’t have to get up super early to go to school, it’s cool.

*

So. I pulled my shoulder.

It wasn’t even in boxing or football! To be fair I’m pretty lucky, or so Leorio says. It could have seriously been worse, like breaking my clavicle or something like that. The forecast said we’d have an entire week without rain, and I found Knucle’s old bike, and he told me he used to do mountain biking, and it sounded so cool I couldn’t wait until summer. Zushi and Retz have bikes too, so we went.

And I kind of fell in a bad jump? I fell on my shoulder, and the bike fell on top of me too; it honestly sounds worse than it is; I’m pretty sure I pulled it trying to get up. It’s lucky I really didn’t break anything.

Aunt Mito banned me from bikes, but Knuckle convinced her to let me try again this summer with proper safety equipment.

I really love her, but sometimes it’s like she forgets I’m almost 16! I’m glad Knuckle is here. They make a really good team.

She doesn’t have to do everything alone.

*

Oh god, please don’t be angry about this, and DON’T TELL ALLUKA I TOLD YOU buuuuuuuut she's been on a couple dates! And she actually really likes this guy, and he’s super sweet, so if they are still dating by the time you come back home, please don’t go all psycho on her, okay? She’s all excited about it and sending me pictures of her outfits, and it’s absolutely adorable. And he really is great. He used to be her classmate but after coming out and everything, he’s been going to another school, and they can’t see each other a lot. It’s very romantic; they talk on the phone every day. And your parents surprisingly (or maybe not, since he comes from a uh, comfortable family) are fine with it.

I know you are going to say she’s only 13 and that’s too young to date, and frankly I agree, but it’s more like, they are kids hanging out with a mini crush on each other. No harm. Don’t go apeshit.

*

My shoulder is back to normal! That’s great cause I’ll be able to go to the tournament!! I almost didn’t make it in time; thank god Leorio helped me with rehab. Kurapika offered to come with us too, because no other teacher wanted to, so it’s him and my coach and PE teacher, Razor.  I’m soooooooo excited!

There’s a high chance I will lose very early on since I haven’t really had time to properly train, but it’s okay; the trip is cool enough! I’m going to buy souvenirs for everyone; I’ll get you something too; your birthday is coming!

*

Guess who failed math again! I really, really don’t want to give up but I know how dissapointed my aunt is. Not even Knuckle seems to be able to help me.

But I won’t give up! Anyway, guess what we-

*

And then you won’t believe - Zushi stood up to the teacher? Like, yeah, she’d been super rude, but c’mon, we’re talking about Zushi! He’s like, a marshmallow! Wirh muscles. A musclemallow!

*

It’s kind of weird sending you a letter for my birthday but well, these letters are what still connect me to you, so they are kind of a gift to myself. They're more like a diary than anything at this point. Will you let me read them when we are older? Anyway, 16. Wow. I feel old.

*

I got to try out the new equipment Knuckle and Aunt Mito got for me, and we went mountain biking yesterday! Even she joined! It was very fun; we should definitely try it out this summer!

*

Finals are coming, and they are coming for me! I’ve already started studying math, and I have made up my mind. If I don’t pass and have to retake in summer, I’ll give up on biology. I don’t know if Kite would be disappointed with me but I just- maybe it’s a sign. Maybe following each and every one of Kite’s exact steps is not what I am meant to do. He would probably be more disappointed if I just did something because it’s what I think he would want rather than do it for myself. Even though I kinda want to get in because it’s something I can picture myself doing. I don’t know.

There’s many other things I can do, open a shelter or something- I don’t need to go to university. That’s not everyone’s path. It was Ging who told me that, actually. You’d say something about him arriving 16 years late to play the father role, but it was a nice talk.

Aunt Mito says that money is not an issue, she can pay for university if that’s what I want, and that she’ll be okay if I don’t, but deep down I know it’s what she expects me to do.

Anyway, I know you are wishing me luck.

*

I PASSED!

And, in less cool news, Alluka told me that my old house is rented by one of Illumi’s friends, actually. Yes, I’m as surprised as you are that Illumi has any friends at all, but turns out he does. She says she has some money saved, and the 2 of you can come here again. I’d love that!

*

Ikalgo and Meleoron say that your school year is about to end, since the naval academy ends a little earlier or whatever, so I really hope this letter makes it on time.

Welcome home, Killua.

*

Going back home and not even looking up flights to Yorknew is one of the hardest things he has done so far. Not going down to the village to buy stamps, not entering his chat in incognito mode on his phone or laptop. Not mentioning Gon, not even once.

For the summer, Killua gets to see his friends for a weekend, and even meet Alluka’s friend and be a threatening big brother. The kid spends an entire week with them, and he’s genuinely a nice guy, and Alluka is happy, so Killua can’t be jealous about this. Instead, he reconnects with Canary. They go mountain hiking and spar and he they buy cool nail polish and clothes that Killua won't be able to wear in a long, long time.

Eventhough it's a Gonless summer, it's okay.

His parents are pleased.

Chapter Text

For his third year, he comes back to the Chimera Military Academy.

Illumi is also coming, the instructor's uniform looking all kinds of  wrong on him. Behind them, his weird friend who has been their neighbor all summer, walks in long strides, smiling creepily at all the students.

*

Now that his brother is sent here, clearly  to keep an eye on him, sneaking out to steal his phone is not as easy as it was in his first year.

Not to talk about how Meleoron has already graduated, so it’s just Killua and Ikalgo now.

Nonetheless, he manages.

*

Gon

3:45

Hi

3:45

Sorry for everything

3:45

I hope you had a good summer

3:45

I know Alluka told you I was home, and I know she told you why I couldn’t text you

3:45

I still don’t have my parents off my back and I couldn’t risk them sending me to an even worse place

3:45

But for what it’s worth, I’m sorry.

3:45

I’m terribly sorry for not being there for you

3:45

Your year hasn’t been the easiest one, and even though I know you are fine through Alluka, I wish I could have done something

3:45

I cried on my way back home reading the letters you know?

3:45

I had missed them so much. So much Gon, you have no idea

3:45

If you still want to talk to me, I’ll be here tomorrow at

Unsend

Incoming call from Gon

“Killua ?”

Killua’s hands tremble as he grips his phone tightly. 

“Killua are you there? Please say something. I forgive you of course I forgive you no need to be sorry- ”

“Yes,” he manages to answer hoarsely. “I’m- I’m here.”

“You’re back to your old school? With Ikalgo? ”

“Yeah, he’s, he’s here, right outside, on the lookout.”

“How long do you have to talk? ”

“Ah,” he checks the clock on the wall. Fuck. “Quite frankly, not a lot, I just planned this to text you and get out-”

“That’s okay, I’ll wait for the next time you can .”

“Tomorrow!” he says quickly, both hands on the phone now. “Tomorrow. Same hour. If- if you can, of course.”

“I’ll make it, ” Gon chuckles. And Killua’s heart somersaults in his ribcage. He’s missed that, god, he’s missed his laugh so much. “ I’ve already been waiting this long so what’s a couple hours more? ”

“Gon…”

“Killua, it’s okay. I get it .” But how could he? How could he possibly get it? Not even in summer? Killua hadn’t even finished explaining himself, he’s not ready- “ And you’ll explain what I don’t tomorrow, right? So it’s okay. I’ll wait. ”

Closing his eyes and taking a shaking breath, Killua bites his lip as his heart crawls up his throat, words unable to come out. 

“Why?” Killua asks on the brink of tears.

“You asked me to wait for you, ” Gon answers as if it’s the simplest thing in the world. “ So I did. ”

Killua takes that in and uses up precious seconds they don’t have to muster all the courage he can find in himself in a little plea. “Will… will you wait a little longer?” he whispers, hands shaking. “2 years. I know it’s a lot to ask for- but I’ll be graduated and out, and-”

“Yes, Killua ,” Gon says softly on the other end of the phone. Killua looks up, to the window, to the clear night sky. “Always. ”

* 

While the instructors are more and more demanding each year, Killua finds out that it has gotten easier. He’s in a better place, and not surprising anyone, it’s easier to move through the current when you are not weighed down.

He can’t call Gon every night as he’d like, far from it. Illumi and Hisoka—Killua refuses to call him Instructor Hisoka, and it has gotten him a few fatigue tours—are constantly onto him. Luckily, there’re other instructors who don’t suck, and he actually learns some stuff this year.

He also bothers trying out clubs, and his afternoons don’t consist of brooding in his bed anymore.

By the time he graduates, looking back while sitting in the car with his older brother, Canary and Alluka, who came to pick him up, he feels almost nostalgic.

*

For his exceptional behaviour and excellent academic progress, his parents let Alluka and him go on a weekend trip. The fact that Ikalgo and Meleoron are coming, worthy people, according to his parents, definitely helps.

Gon comes too, and Killua finally comes to terms with the fact that loving Gon is a habit and a vice and that heart simply doesn't want to stop indulging in. Every time he sees him again, something lights up inside his chest, something that he is not strong enough to put out.

Canary gets a crush that summer, on Amane, one of the buttlers and he gets to play matchmaker. Of course, he tells Gon all about the two girls pining and how he dies of second-hand embarrasment by just looking. Grandad offers to take all of them for a road trip, but thankfully Illumi doesn't come and Milluki is busy with university. Mito proposes and Gon sends him a video of Knuckle crying.

All things considered, it's a good summer.

*

As a firstie, Killua has some privileges. 

That includes not doing the stupid cleaning rounds anymore, sitting before any of the underclass students and getting to the food first, and all kinds of messing with them priviledges that he totally doesn’t abuse.

Among them, if you are a really good student, like it just so happens that Killua is, and you know the right people, you might even get a 3 day permit to go out.

So in his fourth and last year, Killua travels for a day and doesn’t sleep for 2 to attend Aunt Mito and Knuckle’s wedding.

He’s wearing a suit that Alluka chose for him, and so is Gon. They are matching, and it can be easily excused on both of them being the ring bearers, while Alluka carries the flowers.

They spend the entire day at the beach, Knuckle’s dogs munch on one or two guests' dresses, and Gon knocks a table over while arm wrestling with one of Knuckle's best men. 

It’s late at night when the newly married couple are sharing a clumsy dance, that Gon’s warm eyes find his across the room. Somehow, the lanterns that illuminate the beach shine on his eyes, and Killua is in love.

Out of all the things he’s been taught in the last 4 years, dancing was never among them. His mother wanted him to take dance lessons many years ago, but he never had an interest in learning them. 

He’s glad he never did, since it’s more fun to goof around, and let Gon step on his toes as they dance the night away.

*

Killua is 18 the first time he kisses Gon Freecs. Killua has also graduated high school, has been living on his own for a couple months now, and is about to get full custody of his sister.

“You have no idea how long I have wanted to do that,” Killua whispers on his lips. 

Gon chuckles, cheeks tinted pink, a million stars in his eyes.

“Believe it or not, I might have an idea, Killua.”