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Noct was alone in the room in Altissia's Leville hotel. He had no idea how much time had passed since he'd woken up, but the others had wisely decided to keep their distance.
He'd long ago stuffed the ring that had been in his hand when he'd awoken into his pocket. He couldn't think about that right now. He couldn't think about the future. A future without Luna...
Instead, his gaze fell on the journal that had been left on the edge of the bed. It was his now—as the sole, surviving owner. At first it had hurt too much to even look at it. His tears had dried up a while ago, however, and now he pulled it towards him with one hand until it rested in his lap.
Noct opened the red cover and looked at the dried, pressed sylleblossom held in place by a golden sticker against the inside of the cover. He swallowed, though his throat was dry, and began turning pages. He recognized his crooked, childish handwriting in the first few pages immediately. Luna's responses, on the other hand, had always been as perfect as calligraphy even when they were kids. Those early entries were mostly filled with reports about how Noct was doing in school and he flipped passed them quickly.
As the pages turned, his handwriting became more bold, though no less crooked, as more and more time passed. There were times where, for one reason or another, they had gone months without corresponding, but there were always at least a few notes between them every year. Noct flipped through middle school and then high school and then the pages began to turn more slowly. It was almost as if he were afraid to catch up to the present, to turn to what would be the last page she would ever write on.
A page where his handwriting was darker than usual caught his eye, the lettering thick and bold as he pressed the pen too hard into the page out of anger. He blinked and read the first few sentences before recognition dawned on him.
"This is from that day. When all this started," Noct whispered to himself. He crossing his legs. Sitting up a little straighter, he began to read...
Noct had come home from a meeting at the Citadel seething so obviously that even Ignis had made the first excuse he could to leave the Prince's apartment. Noct had barely noticed and the dinner Ignis had made for him was growing cold at his elbow when he opened the journal on his desk to write out a message to Luna.
My dad is such a dick. He can't do this to us, you know? He can't just decide we're supposed to get married without even asking us!!! None of them can! I can't believe this! I turn 20 next month. We're both adults and they can't MAKE us do this! We should get to decide who we want to marry for ourselves, don't you think? Aaaaargh! This whole thing just makes me so angry!
Often enough, weeks would pass before either of them gave the other a response. In this case, however, Noct found Umbra waiting outside his apartment building when he was returning from his part-time job the very next day. He wasn't exactly sure what he was expecting, but when he opened the journal at his desk, there was only a single sentence written in impeccable cursive on the next page.
Do you not want to marry me?
Noct's face felt hot even just from reading the question, and he scrambled for a pen to write out his response beneath it.
No! I mean yes! That's not what I meant!
Noct sighed and considered scratching out the words to start over, but forced himself to leave them. When they had begun passing this journal back and forth Luna had only ever asked one thing of him: that he always be himself. Scratching at his scalp, he growled under his breath before bringing pen to paper and forcing himself to keep going.
What I mean is, I like you. Of course I do! I just meant that they should have asked us, at least. And, okay, maybe I'm not totally ready to get married yet. I wasn't even thinking about it until my dad sprung it on me so it just took me really off guard. But if it's you, then I'm sure it would be fine.
Noct stared hard at the last sentence, trying to decide if it was rude or not. It was certainly blunt, there was no question about that. He sighed and dropped his head onto his desk. Umbra had followed him up to his room and had curled up on his bed. The black dog echoed his sigh, as though commiserating with him.
"I really do like her," Noct said to the dog. "I mean it. I just...I never thought about marriage and stuff, you know? I've never even dated anyone. I..." He cut himself off, but there was no one else around. Ignis wasn't coming over today and Prompto was busy with his Crownsguard training. The apartment was empty, apart from himself and the dog.
"I don't even know if I like that kind of stuff. You know, like...kissing and junk." His cheeks were burning even though he was only talking to a dog! Still, though, now that his mind had gone down that track, Noct couldn't seem to stop his own train of thought. He was the Crown Prince, the only child of King Regis. His father had explained to him the political reasons behind tying Lucis to Tenebrae, but there was more than that to a marriage, especially a Royal one. There was also the need for an heir, for children, and the things he'd have to do to make those children.
Noct hung his head with an explosive sigh. He glanced back at the journal out of the corner of his eye, wondering how on earth he was supposed to even begin explaining all of this in a way that wouldn't come across as offensive. Finally, he sat up straight in his chair again and took a deep breath.
Okay, here's the thing—and you're not allowed to tell ANYONE about this, okay? Not even Gentiana! I mean it! So, here goes. I...don't think I like kissing? Or sex? I mean, I've never even dated anyone so I’ve never tried it, but I'm pretty certain I don't like sex. Even watching it in movies makes me feel gross. And you...you deserve to be married to someone who wants to do that kind of stuff with you, you know? And that person isn't me. Gods, I can't believe I just wrote that, but there you have it and now I'm going to send this back with Umbra before I change my mind and rip this page out.
"Here you go, boy," Noct said, closing the journal with a snap and holding it out for Umbra. The dog lifted his head, but only sniffed the air before dropping curling into a tighter ball on the bed again. Noct gave yet another defeated sigh and shook his head before getting to his feet.
"Okay, okay. Let me see if I've still got some dog food for you and then you have to take this back before I can think about what I wrote too much, okay?"
Umbra gave an excited yip and leapt off the bed to follow Noct into the kitchen.
It was an agonizingly long week before Noct got a response this time. Every day that passed made him feel more and more sick to his stomach. By the time Umbra finally appeared on his balcony (never mind how the dog managed to get there) Noct almost couldn't bring himself to open the journal.
When he finally did peek inside, the long page of neat handwriting waiting for him didn’t exactly settle his nerves.
"She hates me now, doesn't she?" he asked Umbra. The black dog only barked at him and nosed at the book. Noct hung his head and opened the journal fully on his desk, settling in to read.
My Dear Noctis,
I'm sorry it took me so long to respond. I wanted to make sure I had all of my thoughts in order first. I hope it didn't worry you, though I'm sure it did and for that I'm sorry. I'm also sorry that your father doesn't seem to have taken your feelings into account concerning the marriage. That was never my intention and I wish he would have had a proper conversation with you about it, though in the end I'm not sure it would have changed anything.
As I'm sure he told you, this is a political arrangement more than anything else. I'm sorry about that, too. I had hoped that our long friendship would make that fact easier to swallow, but I admit I didn't know how you felt about—well, about married life.
First, I would like to say that I'm grateful to you for being honest with me. I had no idea, but considering that you’ve never mentioned being interested in any of your classmates in that way, it's actually not all that surprising. However, I must confess that the mere fact that you wanted to put my feelings first has only served to convince me all the more that we can make this match work. If you're willing.
Noct, the very last thing I ever want to do is make you uncomfortable. Clearly we enjoy talking to one another, or else this journal would have been abandoned years ago. Don't you agree? You're special to me, as I hope I am to you, and that's why I feel like you can give me everything that I "deserve." To be honest, I was excited when I first heard of the idea (though we still have to win my brother over—let me worry about him).
So, with all that said, I want to try. Of course you'll need an heir, and if we only ever do anything like that to produce one I honestly believe I can be content with that. Being my partner is about more than kissing and sex. It's much more about taking my feelings into account, something you've already done in your last reply. Even so, I leave the decision with you. If you decide to call the wedding off, then I will support you and refuse as well. You were right about one thing: we are both adults and no one can force us to do something that neither of us wants.
Think it over carefully. Take all the time you need. I will stand by whatever you decide.
-L
Noct read the page over again before he dropped his head onto his desk, his forehead landing on the page covered in her beautiful handwriting. Umbra had curled up on Noct's bed again and raised his head in interest, tilting it slightly.
"I don't deserve her," Noct muttered, half to the dog and half to himself. He picked his head up again and frowned down at the page for a long moment.
"I'm going to need a few days before I figure out what to write back. You don't have to stick around if you don't want to," he said at last, turning back to Umbra. To his amusement, the dog only huffed and tucked his nose more securely under his tail. Noct laughed.
"On orders to wait for my answer, huh? Alright, alright. Guess I better go buy you some more food, then," he said, shaking his head with a wry smile.
For the next week, he thought it over. Every night he re-read Luna's response, sometimes twice, and tried his best to imagine what a future with her would be like. The truth was, she knew him better than almost anyone else. Technically, he'd known Ignis longer, but there were things he'd written to Luna that he had never even dared to tell his Advisor. The confession that made up his last response, for one thing.
Yes, they were being forced into an arranged marriage, but it wasn't quite as medieval sounding as that. He'd known her since he was eight, after all. And she was right about the journal: it wasn't the kind of thing he could have kept up with just anybody. If she were anyone else, he would have gotten sick of the fact that she didn't have a phone he could just text instead years ago. But their journal was special, because she was special.
Maybe...maybe he really could make this work.
After a solid week of thinking it over, Noct set aside an afternoon when he wasn't schedule to work. He told Prompto he was busy and asked Ignis not to bother coming over, promising that he could fend for himself for dinner. He even sent an excuse to Gladio for good measure, even though they weren't scheduled to train or anything that day.
Then, once all possible distractions had been taken care of, he silenced his phone and found a fountain pen his father had given him for his birthday a few years back that he had never used. Opening the journal to a clean page, Noct sat up in his chair and did his best to make his handwriting as straight and clean as possible.
Dear Luna,
First of all, thank you for understanding. Actually, "thank you" doesn't even feel like it's enough, but I'm not sure what else to say. I've never told anyone about that kind of stuff before. Not even my friends. I guess I was afraid they'd think I was weird. But you don't. It seemed like you didn't even bat an eye, which I guess I should have expected from you, now that I think about it. So, thank you.
I did what you said. I thought about it. All week long I thought about it. And I guess all I can say is the same thing I said before: I want you to be happy. I already told you I've never dated anyone, so I've never actually tried...you know, stuff. Not even kissing. Maybe it actually won't be as bad as it seems in my head. I think if it was with you, I'd be willing to at least try and find out. Mostly because I know you won't get angry or laugh at me if it turns out that I still don't like it.
So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you're really sure that you'd still be happy if it turns out I really can't get into intimate stuff, then...
Will you marry me?
-N
Noct read the page over three times, but he really couldn't think of anything to add. The thought of even trying to go into graphic detail made him feel slightly sick, and it felt like a conversation that was better had face-to-face anyway. Besides, Luna seemed to understand even better than he did. Then again, she was always like that. More mature, more skilled at reading between the lines. He'd never quite figured out if it was only because she was older than him or because she was the Oracle, or some combination of both. In either case, she seemed to have made peace with the idea of a marriage for political reasons first and love second much more easily than he had.
Noct picked his pen up again at that thought.
P.S. I don't think that physical stuff is totally necessary to love someone. And, anyway, if we got married you could come live here, in Insomnia, and you'd be safe—I mean, safer than you are in Tenebrae. Just wanted to say I've thought about that stuff, too.
He sighed and put the cap back on the pen, as if to stop himself from rambling anymore. Blowing on the fresh ink, he finally shut the journal and turned to the dog curled up on his bed.
"Okay, boy. I'm ready."
Noct was actually disappointed when he came home from work the next day and didn't find Umbra waiting for him outside his apartment building. Then again, it was raining, so maybe that was for the best. That was all he needed—to let their journal be ruined now, after all these years.
Still, it was hard not to feel a little downtrodden as he shook his umbrella out and stepped into the elevator, languidly pressing the button for his floor. When he entered the apartment there were two bags of trash by the door, waiting to be taken down, and the smell of something sweet coming from the kitchen.
Ignis was here, then. And from the smell of it, he was trying once again to recreate the tart Noct had come to love during his brief stay in Tenebrae. He had offered to ask Luna for the recipe more than once, but Ignis always adamantly refused. Experimenting with cooking was one of Ignis' favorite things, after all. He wanted to figure it out for himself.
Absently, Noct wondered if Luna would ever make the tart for him herself, if they got married someday. The thought of her in an apron doing something as mundane as cooking was enough to bring a wry smile to his face.
"Ah, Noct. You're home," Ignis said when Noct wandered into the kitchen. "I hope you don't mind me borrowing your oven. I'll get started on dinner once these are done."
"Don't worry about it, Specs. And I can help with dinner. You know, cut something or whatever," Noct said, rubbing the back of his neck. Ignis paused and turned to him, a question in his green eyes, but he apparently decided not to pry.
"Very well. Thank you," Ignis said slowly. Noct wanted to squirm under that searching gaze and turned towards the living room.
"It's no big deal. Okay if I play video games until you're ready to get started?"
"Of course. Oh, and Umbra was here while you were out. He's gone now, but I left Lady Lunafreya's journal on your desk."
Noct barely heard the end of the sentence. The moment Umbra's name was uttered, he turned on his heal and nearly ran to his bedroom. Sure enough, there was the red journal, waiting patiently for him on his desk.
For a long moment, all he could do was stare at it, his hands braced against the doorway. His feet were suddenly lead weights that he had to drag across the carpet to move forward. Slowly, the desk grew closer until at last he was standing with his hands braced on the back of the chair. Instead of pulling it out to sit down, Noct leaned over it to open the journal with one slightly trembling hand.
He found the page filled with Luna's lovely cursive and then his own page that in retrospect looked absolutely nothing like his handwriting at all. Swallowing around a lump in his throat, he turned that page as well and was greeted with Luna's delicately looping words once more.
Yes! I would be delighted to marry you.
P.S. I'm happy with you just the way you are, and touched by your concern for my safety. Thank you.
Noct couldn't breathe. When his father had first told him about the match, he'd been enraged. Not only because he resented being told what to do, but because he hadn't even been consulted on how he felt about the decision. It was only now that he was reading her response that it even dawned on him that somehow he'd ended up asking her to marry him anyway.
"Noct? Is anything the matter?" Ignis asked from behind him. Noct assumed he must have been alarmed by Noct's reaction to the mention of Umbra and the journal.
"Luna and I are getting married," Noct said without turning around. His lips felt numb around the words, but the dread and anger he'd felt when the possibility had first been raised were gone now. Instead...instead he only felt oddly warm in the middle of his chest.
It took another moment for him to realize that he was smiling.
"Congratulations," Ignis said, as though it were the first time he'd heard of the whole affair. The word would have almost certainly made Noct feel hollow inside only a week ago, but now it only seemed to make the warmth already glowing in his chest spread through his whole body.
Noct turned, still smiling, and said, "Thank you." Somehow, it felt like the most sincere thanks he'd ever said to anyone.
In the hotel in Altissia, Noct stared down at the page Luna had used to accept his marriage proposal. Thinking back on it now, he wasn't sure that they really could have stopped the arrangement, no matter what they said or felt, but it didn't matter because in the end Luna had convinced him anyway.
Luna had accepted him and been willing to take his preferences in stride so that they could both be happy. Luna had understood the necessity of the match, but had also seemed determined to let their friendship grow into true love. Luna had offered him a future he'd never really thought was possible.
And now Luna was dead.
Noct had thought he couldn't possibly have any tears left, and yet two drops of water dripped onto the blank space beneath her words on the page. He pushed the journal off his lap immediately to save it from any further damage as his vision swam with more tears.
"I'm sorry," he croaked, his breath hitching so hard that his chest ached. "I'm so, so sorry."
Noct drew his legs up and pressed his eyes into his knees until the darkness of his closed lids turned red, but it did nothing to stem the tide. He had to cover his mouth with both of his hands to try and stifle the wracking sobs, not wanting any of the others to hear.
He wasn't even sure what he was apologizing for, exactly. For failing to save Luna’s life? For not making more of an effort to try and talk to her before she summoned Leviathan instead of hiding in the crowd? For assuming they'd have more time?
It didn't matter. It didn't matter because deep down he knew Luna would understand. Luna had always understood him.
Noctis huddled on the bed and sobbed for the loss of the one person who had always understood him best. Only now did he realize she'd been right all along, right to agree to marry him and believe they could be happy without physical intimacy.
Because what was "love" really, other than understanding one another better than anyone else in the world?