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Naruto doesn’t quite know when it changed. It wasn’t a sudden change—so to say—but rather a gradual one; one that eased its hands around Naruto’s body until all he knew was its hold. He doesn’t know exactly when his longing glances turned fleeting, nor does he know when his soft words of adoration grew unreceived.
Yet, Naruto realises now that Sasuke no longer looks at him, and Naruto realises he misses those charred black eyes more than he misses anything in the world.
He passes by Sasuke once, on the street.
It was more of a brush past the shoulder than an actual meeting (neither one could bear to acknowledge the other), but Naruto felt electricity spike through his veins nonetheless. Sasuke was a blurred figure when he walked past, and Naruto didn’t think he’d ever be more grateful for the fact that they both moved far too fast, and that it was getting too dark for him to get a good look at Sasuke’s face.
He doesn’t think he can bring himself to look at Sasuke’s alabaster skin and the midnight locks that follow—just thinking about it is enough for a lump to well up in Naruto’s throat, one too big for him to swallow without tears stinging his eyes.
Sasuke passes by with the wind and leaves without a word, robes flickering as he walks past the village gates.
Naruto watches from the branch of a tree, where the hard bark meets his shoes and thin spindly leaves obscure his vision just the slightest bit as he crouches there.
The reasonable part of him knows he should go and bid Sasuke farewell, a nod of the head or a parting glance. But Naruto can’t seem to let the word ‘Goodbye’ pass his lips—no matter how temporary the words are, if he were to say them out loud then canyons would open in his chest with an air of finality.
(The ‘Sasuke’ that should follow his goodbyes would get caught in Naruto’s own selfish pride. Saying Sasuke’s name after a goodbye would wedge the axe further in his heart, where he wishes he could cry out his love.)
So he simply stares at the edges of Sasuke’s ebony clothes until they fade from view.
Naruto jumps off the tree, landing softly on dirt roads. He moves fast enough so that none can see, but slow enough that his feet can’t catch up to the thoughts spinning in his head. Sasuke will come back, Naruto knows this, but the feeling of solitude that grinds between his bones always grows harsher when Sasuke leaves. The heartache has yet to go and even the mere thought of Sasuke not coming back is enough to play his heart-strings like a broken violin.
The apartment is empty; it always is, and always has been. Some days, Naruto wishes he wasn’t such a coward—if he wasn’t a coward then his apartment would actually feel like home.
It hasn’t felt like home since he was 4.
Still, Naruto remains silent when he feels Sasuke’s chakra near, and he doesn’t ask him to stay longer than the weeks he usually spends in Konoha. He’s done plenty of selfish things in his time, though this, it feels too much to request. Laying his feelings bare used to come naturally to Naruto, but he’s too weak to ask Sasuke to not leave again, because he doesn’t think his heart can take it one more time.
Sasuke’s the one habit Naruto just can’t kick, and it serves as a bitter reminder of the empty gap when his thoughts drift to Sasuke’s soft porcelain skin and his mismatched eyes. Naruto’s hands twitch and he can almost feel smooth knuckles beneath his own skin like a ghost kissing his fingertips.
Azure pools stare out at the horizon and it's so dark outside the window that Naruto’s afraid the years spent chasing a man built with regret and blood-borne ash would catch up to him there, in his bed.
On the surface, it’s obvious that the time spent pursuing the shattered remains of his heart wasn’t futile. Sasuke is back in Konoha (albeit now having left on his travels yet again), and with him returned the tattered pieces that once were sewn together to make Naruto. Still, deep down, the shards are pulling at the seams and it feels like everything and nothing all at once when he thinks about the person who built him up only to silently tear him down again and again.
Naruto can’t blame him though, because when he looks at the moon from out of his window, it reminds him too painfully of Sasuke, and that’s enough to light a dim flame beneath his skin—one that burns like the way the Chidori slammed into his chest, all those years ago.
If he closes his eyes, he can see the crackle of blue lightning and hear the calling of one thousand birds opening their wings to slice through the breeze.
Naruto doesn’t sleep that night.
The bags under his eyes are dark enough to appear in shades of purple and black—bruises on rusted golden skin— and sheer exhaustion weighs Naruto down when he slips out of orange sheets.
Cold ice seeps into the soles of his feet as he closes the gap between his bed and the door, and he doesn’t think he’s felt this cold in years. Naruto decides he doesn’t like the way thin wisps of half-frozen air wrap around his legs, merging with his skin until his calves are glaciers under a morning sun whose rays are not quite hot enough to melt.
When he grips the edge of the sink and bends forward till he’s inches away from the mirror, his breath is warm enough to send puffs of fog spreading across his reflection. It’s always been warm for him—the way his hands never chill and in the way his stare holds the blaze of a thousand suns whenever he looks into other’s eyes. The Kyuubi's chakra was always flames setting his body alight and Naruto knows he’s never been short of warmth. Not when simmering heat sat below his fingertips when he touched Sasuke’s arm, or when fire licked at his insides when his cautious gaze met Sasuke’s own.
It’s been a long time since then.
Naruto traces his features in the mirror and he can’t seem to recognise the man before him. The light behind his sapphire eyes has grown dim since the last time he looked into his own reflection so closely, and Naruto can’t help but wonder if it’s because—
His breath grows still and the thin sheen of condensation vanishes.
Naruto’s lips are cold to the touch when he leaves the apartment again, waiting until Sasuke returns and his heart can grow just that bit warm again.