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It has been six years since we met and a year ever since you were taken away from me.
I still count the days, you know.
If I had known I would lose you this fast, I would have hugged you a little tighter and longer. I would have kissed you more. I would have told you how much I love you more.
I went to Manyang today to meet everyone. I have not seen them much ever since that day. I did visit a couple of times but only to clean your house every now and then. Though, I have only cleaned your house successfully twice. The other 4 attempts crumbled when I parked my car in front of your house.
It was too painful.
I still kept everything as it is, even the basement.
I think having it as it is makes me feel like you’re still here; somewhere between the apartment in Seoul and the house in Manyang.
The guy who took you away from me is behind bars now, Hyeok managed to push the heaviest sentence – but I still feel like it’s not fair.
I don’t know if it will ever be fair.
Sometimes I’d like to think if that guy did not drive back home while being drunk, or if you had not gone so early to jog, or if I had been with you that morning, would you still be here?
Or would death still come after you?
I’m sorry.
I should’ve been the one jogging that morning.
I still have your clothes in my closet. Just how you left it. I don’t dare to touch it because I am afraid your scent will disappear and I am too much of a coward to let go.
Even your things are still scattered like how they were before you left that morning. Sometimes when I go through my desk, I would find the little notes you left me.
I was surprised when I found the first one.
It’s funny how a little paper torn from a notebook with the simplest writing can lift your mood when you need it, huh?
I don’t know when you started leaving those behind, or why, but now I am grateful for that.
Your side of the bed feels so cold and empty. What was once the warmest bed I have ever known now becomes a ghost town.
Every time I lay down, I would cry for every night you are not by my side.
Oh yeah. I met everyone in Manyang today. We gathered at Jae Yi’s butcher shop, as usual.
It was an overwhelming feeling to see everyone there today, because the last time we were together, we were at your funeral.
Hm.
What happened today?
Oh.
Ji Hwa still can’t look me in the eyes. Every time she does, she would close her lips so tight and you could even see the tears slowly forming on the edge of her eyes.
I remember chuckling a little (even though it made my heart sink) when I saw her fanning her eyes when I first arrived. She hugged me. Tight.
“I’m sorry,” she said, “it’s just every time I look at you, I see him.”
Jung Je is still the same reserved person. He did not say much. He pat me on the back before he left.
I think he misses you so much.
Jae Yi looks better than the last time I saw her but somehow I can tell she is still struggling to cope with the loss of you.
She did not eat much earlier because all she was trying to do the whole time is trying to get me to eat up all the stock she had. I think she was just concerned because I have been losing weight, she said.
And it was bittersweet, because you used to do that to me.
I remember Jae Yi could not bring herself to open the butcher shop for a while after you left. She said every corner of the shop had a ghost of you.
And I understand that. I really do.
Because for the first couple of weeks, I could not go home. To any of the houses. I was too scared to go home and not see you there. Even if I had waited for you to come home like an idiot. I had to stay in a hotel just to be sane.
How pathetic, right?
But can you blame me?
The rest of the group kind of blurred into the background. Not because I did not want to pay attention to them, but I was struggling to hold everything together.
Before I left to go back home, Jae Yi said something that stuck with me.
“He died loving you, Ju Won. You were the greatest part of his life, remember that. I want you to know that we’re all here for you, okay? We will always be here for you.”
I think I almost lost my breath when everyone nodded in approval.
They are good people, Dong Sik. You came from such a good group of people and sometimes I forgot how grateful I am that you brought them into my life and they stayed even when you are long gone.
Thank you, for always giving the best to people, to me – someone who never knows how to take.
Oh did I tell you that I bought the house with the spacious garden that we saw two weeks before you left?
I planted your favourite flowers in the garden. It’s beautiful here. I wish you were here to see it.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you, Lee Dong Sik.
I don’t want to love again because loving you was the greatest decision I have ever made in my entire life and I don’t want to make that kind of choice anymore.
I hope you are happy now, wherever you are.
You must have met Yu Yeon by now, right? Even your parents. And Sang Bae and Min Jung. They must have been waiting for you.
Hug them tight. They must have missed you. It’s their turn to see you now.
And now, it is my turn to miss you.
I love you, I will always love you.